Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #648 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

Bert Kreischer, comedian seen on Netflix and host of the "Bertcast" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Bert's new tour the "Body Shots" world tour is going all over the world in 2019. Get tickets at BertBertBert.com This podcast is brought to you by: 23andme.com - 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer you insights on to how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality and much more. Order your 23andMe health and ancestry kit at 23andMe.com/church.   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer. Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Recorded live on 01/09/2019.

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That's 23 and me comm slash church Again, 23 and me comm slash church Take this motherfucker mule Lee The church of what's happening now My man Burke Christia the Christ killer and Your uncle Joey 11th of fucking me

2019 and you still haven't gotten your shit together the resolutions are done. You ate the potato chips But who gives a fuck that was yesterday and today is today The church of what's happening now Burke Christia the Christ killer and your uncle Joey D is coming at you a little deaf 84 coming out the box here right here late for love You Who late for love it's never late for love The machine in the motherfucking house happy new year, Joey, how are you? I feel fucking phenomenal You got the demigio gene is still on Mickey Mantle

Some guy that's dead I got the Mickey metal jeans flexing right now. Yeah, right good. Yeah, I'm having I'm fucking dude I go for I start my tour tomorrow. Oh my god. I've never been more excited for some I couldn't sleep last night. I was excited to be on tour and you know how it is What it is is we travel so much just doing stand-up and you'd watch people, you know Like usually in the all-community would be like this is my tour and you're like, it's just the road That's what we do. It never ends, but this fucking tour I it has like a finite time out there and I'm like, oh hell, yeah

I'm just gonna go hard as fuck for four months and And just and just go and this is everything you work for in this business to do a big theater tour do it in hit, New Zealand Australia Europe Dude, all it I can't fucking wait you taking the family Lance flying out tomorrow because I got a tour bus So Lance coming out and where she's stocking the tour bus making sure it's got everything that I need like she's gonna buy blender by like Sheets and blankets and stuff chargers lock it down and then I'm on the tour bus all weekend this weekend Portland Seattle Calgary Vancouver and then come back for two days and then I'm gone for the rest of the month

So you fly to Seattle I fly to I fly to Portland with Leanne tomorrow morning Okay, and then they take the bus two shows two shows every night. Are you excited? Dude? I'm really excited. I've always wanted to have a tour bus I've always wanted to be this and I looked at it this way You know how you've always taken people good people with you on the road And so you've always kind of had a family like a community and going with Joe I never did that. I always let the oak I always let tried to foster the communities of comedy that I went to so I was like if I'm going to Omaha

I'm like bringing a good local feature because he's gonna let him get the work, you know That's you gotta be give back to the community. I do that so I do that you do that to certain markets I bring somebody yeah, and there's certain markets. I know that there's a good crop of feature acts Yeah and so and so sometimes it's great and then sometimes it sucks and then the weekend's long and you're doing your Add-in shows and you don't know the guy and you're not hanging out. Maybe he's got issues So this year I'm taking I'm taking guys with me We're all staying on the tour bus together, and I looked at it. It's just a party. We're taking week. Jesus Trejo

Fucking murder murder Shane Torres, okay Dave Williamson and Dusty's I dust god damn it. I always fuck up Dusty's name. I think it's Dusty Slade I don't think it's just you switching them up. Yeah, switching them up So it's like one week on one week off for them And they'll fly in on Thursdays and leave on Mondays and then I'll probably on couple of them I'm staying on the bus because we've added a Monday show and then no two Tuesday show But we're doing a Wednesday show. So I'm just gonna stay on the bus and drive to the next city and

It's great, dude I got the girls are gonna fly out and do a weekend with me and stay on the tour bus They're bringing two friends because I got six bunks So I have four little girls hanging out on the tour bus and they're gonna love it. They're gonna fly in Friday night Grab them Friday night. They'll come go hang on the tour bus. We'll drive Saturday. Go do something fun during the day They'll hang out that night Saturday night and come home Sunday Now you're taking your family Europe with you girls are coming to Europe I'll ball the girls coming to Europe and Australia with me

Yeah, but we're gonna go so I'm like the European tour. I'm gonna have them fly out to London or Paris, maybe maybe Paris. I've already been to London sure Paris is such a safe place We're gonna hang out for like a week And then I'm gonna start the tour and they're gonna come to like the first venue but in and same with Australia Australia, I think I go To like I do Sydney and then I know I do New Zealand and then I have like a like four days off And so they're gonna meet me in Sydney and we're gonna do some stuff in Australia. I can't wait you document the any of this I thought I thought about it, but I didn't want to turn it into I

Wanted to enjoy the moment. I'm gonna be on Instagram a ton. You know that and so like I'm fucking all over Instagram So I'll put it on Instagram. I'll probably shoot my own stuff, you know, like shoot it put edit it put it on Put it on YouTube and then I'm gonna do I'm gonna set up a podcast on the bus So I'm gonna do some podcasts with people like damn Diamond Dallas page. We're doing a podcast in Atlanta. So It's gonna be work too, but I do that can't fucking wait The only thing that would make this better and you know, we've always talked about this is like me you Tom Ari Joe all us all us doing a tour like that together. That would be the fucking that would be the dream You know, but until that time until the time when that happens

That this is what I'm doing How much easier do you think it's gonna be for you to not have to fly to go to the airport just to be on the bus? Can I fuck that? Can I tell you my favorite part? That's amazing. That is when I did when I did Australia last To last year I was burnt Joey to the point where I was like I was fried because you know me I drink if I fly so I have a couple drinks before we took off have a drink in the air land Try to get some rest go to the theater do the show and that was every single fucking day And that's what this tour would have been like two shows in Portland. I get done at 1 30, right with my meet and greet I go I get back to the hotel room at 3. I'm still popping because of the show got a flight at 6 in the morning

I would have been I would have died Leanne pulled the plug when they started adding shows Leanne goes fuck this Someone quote out a tour bus. He's gonna die if we put him on the road like that. And so I can't wait that Here's the best part, right? So I'm bringing in two suitcase full clothes, right? And I'm leaving them there I'm leaving them all on the bus. So then when I fly in to fly out I just like when I fly out for a Vancouver. I just show up a pair of sweatpants Remember we switched over to sweatpants show with a pair of sweatpants some headsets my phone a jacket my wallet I'm done Okay, no suitcase. No fucking nothing just walking into the airport with it on your phone

Just ting like walk right through fly home. Go straight home. You got all your clothes at home all your clothes on the tour bus Dude, it you know I watched Ralphie do that tour bus and it made no sense to me because I was like I was like But other than he was fat and but now I look at it and I go Oh, that's a nice feeling to know that you got a home on the road and then a home at home. I Can't wait man. It's so funny bird how When I got here in 97, I stuck around for a while And then I ate a bag of dicks and I decided that I needed some more road work

But I really needed to go and home my craft and I I would leave for 10 months. Yeah I would leave in November come back in April. I would ship my clothes to Josh Wolf's house Wherever I would go to a city. I had a good Kmart. I would buy new clothes and ship the clothes Yeah, you know, I had the walk the walkman with the CD player and I learned how to live on and I did this is when I did plane and Plane plane and trains plane and buses. I'm sorry

I only did one train from Miami to Myrtle Beach, but everything else was done on a bus. I loved it Yeah, the Like I said the unknown for me. It was really unknown that because there was no dates There was no there was no internet way it was. No, no, no, I would start with like January 10th and I'll pass on then I'd have a week off and then I'd have a week in Toronto And then I have a week in Miami and I have three weeks off when I started it was like that But as I went along every week, I picked something up Yoder had a fallout Milwaukee improv. Do you remember the old Green Bay improv?

No, they used to be a Green Bay improv for real. Yeah, who goes to it? You know in the summertime, they're not gonna go watch you yeah, and the weather time they're eating cheese watching the fucking pack is I Think about yeah, it was last time you went to Green Bay. Did they all had I remember God give me time No, they don't want to know about comedy there. They just want to tackle people Tackle you at the airport Green Bay. Nobody goes to Green Bay. Have you ever thought about that? Do you know when was the last time you talked to anybody who said I did this theater in Green Bay? And it was fantastic. I'm doing Green Bay on this tour. Are you really? Yeah?

Yeah, I love it. I've never I've never been I've never been to Green Bay in my life I took a fallout in October. Yeah, and they actually had the balls to do a Sunday show And if and I heard and they won that week Yeah, plus my buddy played for Green Bay at the time. Yeah, so I could talk shit I went to we played his name was Frankie Winters and we play CYO basketball together. So I did okay Yeah, it's the people that you go to Green Bay on a Sunday game a Saturday night before they have a game They're animals. Yeah back then when Brett Farr was throwing touchdowns You couldn't you know, there's just some cities

That comedy just you know what? Yeah, we like the ha ha and he he yeah, but we're here to tackle motherfuckers Like we don't we just thinking about football. I thought Hawaii was gonna be like that Have you ever done the Blue Note Hawaii? No, but everybody says it is phenomenal. I really shooting specials in Hawaii. Yeah They're fucking Joe Coy just shot a special Hawaii. Yeah, Joe Coy Gabriel's there this week. I Thought it going down to Hawaii. I was like they were like booked me in Honolulu at the Blue Note Are you doing Montana on this tour? No, again, nobody goes to Billings. Yeah Billings just sit there waiting like a virgin like right now if I had my last handful of money I'd open up a comedy club in Billings because I know I know I would get my investment back that quick

That quick it's overwhelming. It's like what this guy's doing in Utah What what's he doing in Utah? He's got three comedy clubs eat stubs who I love who's yeah The club wise guys is becoming one of the best clubs in the fucking country in the country You taught Salt Lake Mormons. Don't go there. They got nine wives. What are you fucking kidding me? Everybody wants to laugh. Yeah, so pretty soon watch somebody's gonna pop Billings bozeman One of those towns in Montana. It's gonna blow didn't you tell me about Spokane to Spokane's fucking They go to Tri-Cities. Those are the Tri-Cities. Yeah, and

Something else Tacoma Tacoma's on the other side. I've been I've been I didn't Tacoma do I like that when you do this Years ago, there was a lady called Donna Richard and she booked out of Portland and she booked a volcano And it was in a hotel and it was in Some part of Oregon, but it's on the other side opposite Portland real close there So this Spokane and another city is all you have for civilization. Yeah, so they called it the Tri-Cities my god when I moved to Right before I moved to LA I started I met a girl at that volcano room Friday night, we swapped a little spit

Then she came back with her girlfriends on a Saturday night. We swapped swapped a little spit I was a gentleman. I think we took we took it out. I ate a monkey, but no sex There was no condom And I go back to Seattle on the phone won't stop ringing. It's just brought and she's really pretty the girl was a fucking knockout and Really sweet and one day before to July she drove up from wherever she lived three hours away And me her Josh Wolf and Malia Josh's Kids mother, you know had like a fourth of July party. They're like what a nice girl

And I'm like, okay, and something was wrong with me. I Had seen this girl like eight times and I never went for the monkey Like she was that hot. Yeah, we had swapped spit We had gotten hot and sticky from time to time, but we never really did anything And one night we're on the phone having a conversation. I go, yeah next week. I got to go to San Francisco And she goes, well, what do you think if I drive you? And I go, that's okay. You want to drive? I'm like, oh my god. She wants to drive me. I had a rent the car Yeah, she's saving me 400 fucking box. I go if you want to try not even think

Like I think now or like you think when you're 40. I think well, I was 30. It's a ride I don't know what I'm getting myself into. You know, I enjoyed that sure enough. She shows up on time cooler sandwiches sundress looking like a goddess and As we're driving to San Francisco at one point Something comes up about a blowjob and she looked me straight in the face and she goes, you know, I'm really good at those You know, we'll get the hotel we'll see. Oh, I'll be the judge of that It's a Monday night open mic at the plunge month. No Sunday night was the punch lines and Monday nights was cops when that scumbag was up there

And he would make you sign your name on a list and he wouldn't tell you what time you go up And then he just come up to you and tap you on the shoulder You know how many comics flew into that open mic and he didn't put up. No, though He told you on the phone. He was who was this up? He quit. He quit. He was an old guy that ran cobs Real prick and he was the one that told Ralphie Why did Joe take Ari and me on the road that we were worthless and we used to bust Joe's balls And he had a crush on Joe because Monday Duncan and and Ari went downstairs to the radio with Joe and that guy purposely brought a two-seater He told Ari and Duncan. He couldn't go. So Ralphie told me the story

I told Joe Joe's like, come on the guy wouldn't say that I always knew the guy was a closet fag So for months every time we go to cops I tell him, how's your friend Joe? I would just torment Joe Joe, you know, he wants to suck your dick like when he would come up I go Joe you want me to stay like I would just Yeah, you want me to stay I don't know what's going on between you two and Joe's days not gang or dog trust me I know but that dude was a scumbag and he used to run an open mic on Mondays Before cops burnt down because they Jewish lightning the first one really the first one used to be down the corner in the warehouse by the chocolate Harrah square

Up the fucking corner now it's up the corner But he looked they lived on they tried to light on fire whoever owns it to try to get Jewish lightning and they moved Yeah, but it was then and then the guy at the punchline His name is on the tip of my tongue He also told me on the phone when you tell a young comic You're gonna put them up on the open mic and you have a reference brick right show. Oh, I love Bert Yeah, Bert called come down Sunday night. I never forget him too. Yeah, you would get there and say what do I sign up? And he goes there's no list. I'll put you up when I want and he turns back on you and walk away

And you just stand there You just stand there all fucking night And he come up to you at one point and go you're up next I Said I give you six do three and you're like I got a fucking hotel room for $40 that I had a begging borrow for almost a blow A guy and fucking you want me to be three? I mean, that's what they those two clubs are notorious Let that fucking right there. So I said something to that guy But you know me I was crazy and I had to say something to him like hey, man What a fuck do you think you want to pick us, you know, like we don't have it hard enough

And he goes get the fuck out of here and I left and then I saw him a year later At the laugh at the Monday night showcase I was showcasing and he was there with a bunch of in those days San Francisco would come down Six guys and they would set up a showcase with Jamie Masada and Jamie would decide who would make it and then kids from Portland Would come down. Yeah, I caught him out of San Francisco one and he was bitching in the back But they wouldn't put his guys on it and I'll never forget walking up to him Go remember me motherfucker. Did you see that 20? Yeah, and here you are sweating like a fucking pig Don't feel good does it? He just fucking beamed at me and I never saw him again

I always had he's been out of the business for 20 years Snatch a scratch or he had one of those fucking singular cool names, you know Seth was fucking. It's nice. It's nice. I mean, I Guess it's nice when you see people that treated you like so much shit It's had to go to go past them But I have such a fucking needy personality that Even the people that treated me like shit once then once they come up like hey, man, congrats on every all the success I go. Hey, thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Like I have a hard time

Like I don't I don't think there's been that many people that have been complete and total dicks to me I let bygones be bygones. Let's it's the situation to me feels like this You ever have that girl from your day in college. Yeah, she keeps in touch with you. Yeah And every time you go to Tampa You take her out to dinner with her husband and your wife and you're looking at her and the whole time you're all giggling Ha ha ha ha drinking whatever wine, but you're looking at that bitch going And when I used to tie you up and make you suck my balls like savage because you're looking at him He's like and he's kissing her and you're like

She used to lick my asshole with that tongue and they're at the table and we love each other Yeah, she loved me too. I whipped her with a belt and made a suck fucking hummus off my nutsack That you know I'm saying like you you know you won like this guy's trying to be a nice guy We're like, well shut up dog. I used to fuck her in the ass with egg yolks and throw eggs at her at the same time You know I'm saying when you do that, then you come see me. You're over there playing like you believe this fucking dirty horse That's what it feels like when you see those people who doubted you now Even though you're cool with them. Yeah now you got the upper hand Yeah, but I always I

Sugar and I always talk about this everything feels fleeting always Like everything everything like like the first time I did first time a first time I started selling tickets I remember calling tom going like how long do you think this will last and he goes? I don't know man. I feel the same way Like you always feel like I don't do you ever feel like you got one over on people where you're like I know I know I think I'm funny, but I didn't think anyone else would ever think I was funny all the time Yeah, I always I saw this comedy store last night. I went last night to the store. I did the main room I sat in the original room

And I watched like four or five comics and there was two or three in particular that I go. I don't fucking get it Like I don't get it There's no but it's not for me that to judge or whatever. I just don't get it But there's people who say the same thing about me, you know, yeah We all live I definitely say it about me I tell people all the time that we all started zero on the first of the month You and me and lee were all equal we're all equal

and You know, you don't know what's gonna happen. You don't know what's gonna happen And all you could do is do a good job That's why I don't like Shit getting in the way of my stand-up anymore. Yeah when I go on the road, it's to do those five shows Nothing else. I might go to a kickboxing class. I might do a jiu-jitsu class I don't really want to hang too much I don't really want to get involved in longer rides. I focus on the comedy. I won't even sell shit no more

Really? Yeah, I can't see. I don't want to be outside in between two shows There's enough mayhem going on in the hallway. I just want to go in there and give them the best show I could give So no matter what they think when they walk out. Maybe I'll get them to come back next time It's so funny wherever I just maybe it was Omaha. Were you just in Omaha? No, wherever I wherever I just was maybe Virginia Beach or I forget they go one of the kids comes up. So I do a meet and greet for both shows It's just free. You don't have to pay for it

And um one of the guys because like he's like you're cool like joey joe doesn't do a meet and greet But like on the lay show he'll go out and hang out. Yes, you can go out and talk to him between I'm just causing chaos. Yeah I'm just causing chaos for the staff and that 9 30 show now becomes a 10 o'clock show And that I think is more uncomfortable when I go to a show It better fucking when you go to the movies. There's never been a fucking late Are the movies ever late? No, no the commercials run late You got 10 minutes to play and put parmesan cheese on your fucking popcorn at lemley and whatever the fuck you do

Yeah, then we got to run on time too Nothing bothers me more when I hear about a comic doing three hours And people got to wait on the line outside for two hours me dude. I ripped the tickets up when I go home Okay, I have plans. I have shit to do sunday and this comic wants to do three fucking hours Nothing bothers me more about a comedy club that starts late Nothing, especially that second show because every minute that's late It's it's one more minute that the headliner struggles That's one more minute that they can have another shot at tequila

That's one more minute. They could do a line of coke every fucking minute. That's why there's clubs. I love nice staff But I can't work with them. Yeah, because they're on fucking late time Seven o'clock to seven twenty now. That means already now. It's a sold out show So guess what that show don't start to call it the fucking 11 11 o'clock That means we're there till 12 30. That means that there's people that are so excited to see bern krisher That they started drinking at five And you know this bern I do, you know a couple weeks ago. They were doing a thing called eyes fest Okay

I'm 50 you're 40 the thing starts at 12. You and I both know We're not showing to new years a new year's show at midnight. Yeah, it's it goes till mid I think azi came up at midnight, but it started at lunchtime By four o'clock I could I could have taken bets for puke puddles From how many people started at 10 getting overexcited When people come see us they get overexcited every one of us I had a guy having 420 in columbus the guy fucking had a A seizure from eating edibles and they wanted to cancel the show

The show must go on his friends wanted to see me so bad that they told him He's going to the hospital by himself and they stayed there and watched the show They came in with a fucking hospital room and they took him out like a bed You know, I remember going to concerts That's why we're meeting bern krisher at five and doing lines of coke and half a quailude And by the time you get to the concert, you're out of your fucking mind Dude, that's every Show I am counting on this club to be on time. I get 705. Yeah, I'll cut back five minutes

That's why I started doing a two-man show I'll cut lead down to five whoever's working with me down to seven But that's late show has got to start on time Because if not it comes out of the headline is hide Some guys are gonna say something they're hammered They're hammered. That's not fair to you and that's not fair to them Can you imagine going to Denver and and doing two hours and it's snowing out and people got to wait for you It's the experience that blows

I was at the kc improv and i'm on stage and i'm here in thunder and lightning And that's what for the first show And so I go to do my meet and greet and then i'm like, hey, where's uh, where's the next show at? And they're like they're waiting in line Everyone was waiting in the fucking rain. Yeah, and I just went hold on wait. You didn't we didn't think this out better No, like no, they're just standing in the fucking right and everyone came in Soaking fucking wet and I was like, holy shit. How would you feel? How would you feel? Yeah, I would I would have I would have first of all they should have a lounge. They should put those people in there

They should have a fucking lounge so those people could go in and have a drink. I don't want nobody outside Lee, what do I tell you? I don't can't listen like Ari said to me the other day Oh, you're gonna be in new york for danie brown show. I'll come up to williamsburg There's a barbecue place where people stand on the line for an hour. Oh, you're not gonna see me there Yeah, you're not gonna see me there unless I get a jewish fucking gold chain. I get one of those neck braces Like philly atado and the sopranos after he got rear-ended remember you wore a neck brace That's extra money because the neck brace makes you cut the line people feel bad for you Like a dog with you and you close one eye, you know

I'll wait in line dude. I can't wait in line. I can't wait. You know what else I can't do I can't go to a place where you got to grab a table Like where they're like where like people are like standing over tables where people are eating Waiting for them to leave and then they get up and they sit down there. That gives me fucking so much anxiety What do you mean? Like we're like, you know, california chicken cafe cafe where there's a line of people, right? And then all the tables are full, but there's still a line of and there's no seating You got to find your own table and get your own table And and people are just like like just hovering over tables

With like waiting for them to get up and once they get up they sit down in their seats They're like we got this table that gives me so much fucking anxiety So that's something that's coming wipe the table off while you're sitting there Yeah, yeah, no one's even clearing tables like here we go to this barbecue restaurants where there there's not only is there a long line But then this there's not a ton of tables. So there's too many people in line for the tables They have so the second people are waiting for for a table. So once they Get up that people just go down and sit in that table that gives me so much fucking Well, the waitress comes over wipes it down. No, like like you go to california chicken cafe

No, he's talking about places where like you go up you order to give you the food and you go sit down They'd like there's probably not a waitress. Yeah, there's no waitress the thing that I think It's even hard for me to understand because anytime I get to go on the road It's probably my first time in the city. So I'm very excited You guys have been to every city how many times now? 15 times you've been I go with george's 14. So definitely 14 times. Yeah, imagine that isn't that crazy? I've been to fucking I've been to philadelphia. What 14 did you perform? Where have you not performed it?

the only place I've not performed in is There's two states hawaii and something else everywhere else. I got hawaii. I got alaska I got alaska. I do alaska. I do alaska. Yeah, choku charlies I haven't done like vermont like that. Like there's a bunch of I never did vermont either. I can't lie Yeah, like all up there. I never did in new hampshire. I did the other one where main main When bit bob marley, you know, the club was up to the comedy connection. He owns that territory. I did I did a buffalo Albany the buffalo Albany and all that stuff. Rochester, Syracuse never done mississippi Yes, I did mississippi. I did mississippi. I did all the southern states

I got that out of the way just to make sure I've never done. I like to do mississippi. Have you ever done the alabama start though? Yep, just did it. How was it? I loved it Really? Yeah, but liens from alabama. So I had a bunch of jokes like that I was I was dialed in because they have written that club off when I first started doing comedy That was like the top five clubs in the country Now they say it's a little I think a lot of the a lot of the clubs I mean from my perspective and what and this is just what people have told me

And like the work of the clubs is a lot of the clubs are urban A lot of the clubs are all just black comics coming through a lot of the funny bones That's all they had their whole line-ups were just black comics And I think the stardom is one of those places where it just sells It sells better to the to to a black community than it does to white people Because I think guys who used to do that club jumped up to theaters real quick in that area Like bill burr. I think we used to do that club all the time And then he left up to theaters and then guys like sagura just went in and go well. Fuck I'll just do a theater there

Because that's what they're accustomed though. I think But uh, but yeah, a lot of the clubs that went have gone urban. Are you ready for these theaters? Are you excited about doing these theaters and whatnot? Yeah, does it feel different for you? Do you feel a difference from The stage to a theater I'll tell you the the only not I don't feel a ton of difference But I changed I changed my stand up a tad bit and got less crowd interactive when I think probably two years ago Where I used to lean on audience interaction when I was younger man I just get up on stage and I was like I'll do the first 15 minutes fucking around with people

And then I'll they'll be like my I can go back to them every time I need a joke Oh, you know, I'm talking about reggie and uh, and I stopped doing that I stopped doing that and just started working on my material And that probably four years ago three years ago And so now when I do theaters, I'm much more comfortable I couldn't do theaters when I was younger because I was I didn't know how to not do crowd work I gotta say something We're friends a long time and I tell you how it is. I don't give a fuck to people getting insulted

You're Netflix special was sensational. Oh god. I was waiting for you to insult me. It was in the top five Oh, thanks Joey very much in my heart. That's number one. Thank you man. You have no idea when you say that you've miracleized me because You made a big jump in your stand up. There was years ago. I saw you one night. I'm like Bert's got problems Like I left there like you had no shirt on you were three quarters in the wind I don't know what the fuck you were talking about and then I saw you a second time And you had done a complete 360 you had talked about isla and going to school and You know, she's not the bright one And then I see you a couple weeks ago and you're flipping on me again with a gun and you pointed the gun at your wife

You know, then you ordered a machine gun and and the special was sensational, you know, roseanne's uh Leigh Ann's faces when she's fucking and all that. Yeah Just just little things that you really worked on I saw and that's a bad habit That's a bad habit as a comic Is talking to the audience. It's a really bad guess who's really good at Who me? Yeah, I was about to say and I won't do it. Yeah I remember seeing you. I remember seeing you talk to the audience a long time ago probably like 11 years ago at the improv

And and you were I think you were big then and you were just hands up here And I I forget the fucking interaction But I'm in the back sitting next to in bag. Who's amazing at crowd work and we are rolling. Oh, yeah I'm really fucking roll. I was lazy. Yeah, I wouldn't write material my first. No after I left Boulder I make when I got to seattle I went to new york. That's what happened in 93. I went to new york And I got impressed by it. Everybody in new york talks to the audience, dude

Where you from you a garbage man statin island. Oh my god. What's the smell like shit? So I picked up that habit in new york. That's why I picked it up And I kept doing it and doing it and doing it and I kept depending on it So I would have a 30 minute set but I would do I would really have 16 minutes of material Yeah, and I would depend on 14 of crowd work. Let me tell you something. It's like shooting dice It's like shooting dice. You could kill a show So my goal was to go in there improvising And then close it with material and it got a little better

But it was still lacking. Yeah when I came to LA Was where dude totally different. You better not say a word to the audience in front of mitzsche Dude, never unless you're spectacular like rick engram You better not say a word and you could see when a comic Moves from another town where they have that bad habit In fact, the guy hit me up a few days ago. That's a dear friend of mine He lasted

Because he was opening up with that shit from South how you guys doing tonight? It's great to be here in LA. How about a big round of applause for the troops? Oh That kills LA crowds. I have nothing against the troops. I have nothing against celebrating LA just doesn't work that way And then he started talking to the audience And they what do you do for a living and the guys like oh, oh my god He did it at the improv Dude, and it was a slow death and I tried to help him out because he was a dear friend of mine

And I gave I had bray of that So I gave him a spot and bray of the following week And he went down to brayer and he did the same thing And it was the longest feature spot in my life And when he got off he told me some story about his relative getting sick And he had to go back and watch and I looked at him and I just knew that LA had it took him up. I know It took him a week to break him. I think 10 days

I know another guy that came got an apartment Moved into it for a week Went to the improv went home packed his bags And went right back to new Mexico And he still does comedy And every two years he hooked me up with a Facebook or some type of email. Hey man, I should have stuck with it Dude, I'm fucking sorry. I when I when I got out here. I had a tv show

I've moved out from new york But I had those new york tendencies of crowd work first crowd work first it murdered in new york new york crowd work Yeah, they love it. You could do they love it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And so I get out and I and I all my tv shows are done I hit up erin at the improv and I said, you know, I need to really get on stage I need to be on stage as much as possible. I'll do anything. So I'm not getting any stage time at the time She goes while drew carries doing wednesday nights Uh, I need a host to do uh 10 minutes and then bring on drew carry

He's gonna do stand up and then they're gonna do whose line isn't anyway So i'm like, uh, awesome. So I get on stage and I remember First thing I said on stage guy in the front row. I said, what do you do, sir? And he goes, I'm a tv producer and I went, what really I go anything I know and he goes everything you know And I went, wow, can you get me a job? He goes, I don't know man. Why don't you tell a joke first? And I was like and I Joey I didn't have I was in my head. I was like, I need a Puerto Rican to enter the room I need a Puerto Rican and a black guy to enter the room one of the missiles hit you in the fucking head dog I didn't have any

Bucking jokes. I didn't have one joke I had a couple stories that I could like I could Like but like I didn't know how to do set up punch. I needed someone to Feed me some energy and then I could feed it back with a with a joke and I I remember I bombed so hard And drew carry what was not in the room And but he walked in at the room at the end and I had a I had one joke that I told at the end that kind of did okay And drew carry came up and he goes, uh, great job, man. I'll see you next week

He didn't see it. He didn't see me bomb. And so I did that every week and I that night I went home and I wrote jokes I wrote just like like Just anything that was a straight up set up punch I wanted something that would get me out of trouble like something that would like I'm trying to remember one of the early jokes I wrote but uh You know what cops say when you touch their faces like just anything that was set up to get it get me out of things And then and then when I went on the road I was I got back into that lazy habit of like you could just go up and crowd work with murder

And and you could and I man, I'm telling you I'm telling you right now I swear to god the shift in my career was that that machine story when joe said Joe this is one of my favorite memories in this business. I'll ever have Joe said, you know, you got to tell that on stage and I was like, oh, it's not a stage story He goes, no, no, you have to and everyone listening right now. This is this is like episode 60 of the Joe Rogan experience He's like everyone listen right now You yell it out in the clubs until he tells it you make him tell that story on the road call him the machine From now on he's only to be known as the machine that next week and I was in Columbus, Ohio

I do a set it's fine Not memorable. I don't a lot of crowd work a lot of fucking with the audience take killing a beer shirts off and I get I get to the end of my set and this kid in the front rows They're yelling the machine and I go, hey guys, I'm not going to tell it and this kid in the front row I don't know who this kid is. He was an angel. He looked at me. He goes. Hey Bert You got to tell the story man. We understand it's not going to be good but you got to tell it and and

We'll sit through it, but but you got to tell it if it's going to get good So just just tell it man and they're everyone's like, yeah, Bert just tell it just tell it Joey I bombed for 15 minutes telling that machine story and I got done and they were at the meet and greet They're like, hey, you did a good job. You got to tell it next show man. You got to tell it next show I told that story for I want to say four fucking years where it just bombed like it But once I did that I learned I figured out How I could write for myself I didn't I didn't need you these like there there there was these cover all I'm gonna say this

I don't mean to disrespectful But there was a cover all dane cook approach to comedy that a lot of us guys took a lot of us guys had those jokes like You know, it's fun to do when you walk into a room you do this dot that and then tell your buddy punch him in the Dic and you're like, yeah, what's up? I'm out bitches and that was like the premise of writing jokes, you know It's it I had a lot of them a lot like you know what happens when you do you know what you do? You have air in a fight away you were the wife's 12 words say I love you. You are right. You win I love you whatever and you go back in bed with her and that night while she's sleeping you cut her hair like it was almost like fun boy comedy and I did I had a departure from that fun boy comedy and I really

Started and in Ari. I think Ari got obsessed with storytelling And he started his storytelling show and you could go in and tell a story And and it was a different way to write for yourself that shifted everything for me And now I look at like now I look at it now i'm looking at material and i'm going like You know, you look at the way burr and rogan and and uh and all the greats, you know They challenge themselves every special to do be a little different write a little differently Add add maybe an act out or a new one like when I saw wrote and by the way I've never known joe to be like a physical comic

But when I saw him do that pterodactyl bit with bruce Jenner or katelyn Jenner And and be on the state on that stool and I saw that all of a sudden it freed up my head like Oh, I don't have to just stand and deliver. No, I can do whatever the like But you look at your did you watch the bat or you wanted to store this? I was watching Sebastian Dude, he burnt the thousand calories. He's his new special is going to be fucking insane thousand fucking calories dude He's been one of the biggest comics In this country one of the top 10 earning comics. He hasn't had a special out in three years All that shit's just off showtime

Shit's off showtime when he when his netflix special drops Dude, I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen without that. So four shows out the garden That's just my do you remember Do you remember when we were younger and you'd go can you imagine? Adding a show can you imagine selling out a weekend? Just selling out a weekend at a club the seats 230 That was like a fucking big achievement And then we're all there. We're all selling out clubs and then you look at a guy like Sebastian

Four shows at the garden. That's 80,000 people 80,000 people know who's Sebastian. I'm gonna be dead honest. I don't know if I've sold 80,000 tickets on this entire tour Like every club every theater i'm doing is like 1800 a thousand, you know, like in between there 80,000 people in two nights And what could he do in Chicago? Like two nights later Do This is what i'm saying

That that is fuck and from such an unassuming garden What if you had the opportunity to do Madison Square Garden as a comic would you do it? a hundred percent I don't know if I would do oh joey. Oh joey I just if you could sell out the garden Just to have that moment where you walk on stage And you just I would die Because I I grew up in that place too. Can you imagine the feeling how many Harlem Globetrotters that I go into that?

Because my birthday is on february 19th It always lands on president's day. So from the age of four to like 13 I made my mother take me to the home of Globetrotters every year. My mom was so annoyed By the time I was eight she started paying somebody to take Like she was like I can't see those motherfuckers How great would it be if joey did the garden and came out as as mellow Meadowlark lemon just in a Harlem Globetrotter's outfit. I went to see something there that I I never felt I want to see a

Arranger islander game Yeah And then a week later I was there for Rutgers against North Carolina in basketball when fucking I think no michael jordan wasn't there michael jordan wasn't even dreamed of that. It was michael corwin and phil flord And Rutgers had james bailey. I used to go to the garden to see julius erving

Christmas day against the nicks I I mean do you understand my history? With this place. I saw acdc open up for ted new jen at the garden. I saw keith richards And the fucking new barbarians at the garden I you know, it's so for me to just walk in there and perform like I don't know

I don't know if the stand-up thing would get lost and turn out nation. No, that's what scares me about all those big things That's why I asked you earlier About how do you feel? In a theater compared to a club. This is a theater tour and i'm proud of you. You did a ton of work and you deserve it Thank you. Do you like cops for example? Yeah, I love the people who run cops. They have nothing against them I don't ain't performing at cops I don't have control over my audience at cops. I know you're saying at the punchline. I could dicks knock them It's 180 people you can just whip them if they're talking shut up guy. I think yeah

And bit slap them there's audience. There's rooms where I have control Of the audience Have you done the parks casino in philadelphia? No, it's a theater It's a casino Fucking perfect really like all though. There's a bunch of rooms that are big But they still give you that small feeling the wilbur theater I was just gonna say the wilbur theater you think you're at fucking johnny's mambo room Yeah, you think you're in front of 200 p

You think you're in front of 28 people, but then you look up and you go i'm not even looking at that I'm just scared of heights the first time I did the wilbur. I went up. I got I went I I had never done the theater. I've never done it like personally never sold a theater And so I go this is uh probably three years ago. I go up. Yeah, probably three years I go up to the To the thing and I go I want to go up to the top and see what it looks like from the top Openers on stage and I go all the way up to the top and I look at them on the very top balcony And I get a I get a tea dose of soda, right? I got in my hand. I'm doing one show

I'm looking over. I'm like, oh, this is fucking amazing And then I realized and then somebody goes bird and I go. Yeah She goes. Oh my god It's Bert and then everyone in the top center was like you're the guy we came to see and I'm like Oh, I guess I can't just hang out in the fucking balcony, but that is an amazing I had Leanne one Leanne the next time I did it Leanne came with me and I sent Leanne up I go walk around like take a look at this place Chicago theater is pretty insane. That's 3000 and that place

I'm there's a bunch of places that I'm like excited to do like the Tabernacle in Atlanta Like I just I'm like, I'm fucking can't wait. I'm doing the Tabernacle this year I'm looking at when you're in Boston. You already sold out four shows in Boston, right? Yeah They're already sold four. Yeah, I think so. So it's you know, it's weird because they go that's sold out But then it's the single seats available. So people It's sold out and then They tell you there's 50 tickets left today. Yeah, it's just a thousand stories. It's just a thousand Vancouver Sunday night Like bow shows sold out and then they're like, hey, we've added uh, we've added

100 tickets to both shows and I was like Well, hold on. Do I need to sell those and they're like, yeah, if you want to I was like, how many where did you add them from? And they're like it's it gets really confusing Especially like ticket pricing and all of that because there's ways I I wouldn't mind ticket pricing to go Like I wouldn't as a consumer meaning like if I went and saw your show And you say you could get any seat or you can pay a little extra to say sit on the aisle I go, oh, I'll pay extra sit on the aisle if you could go you can also pay a little extra and you get in first I'd be like, oh, yeah, definitely. I want that too. Like, hey, what else can I add on to this? Like that's I

I also have a Trying to set up a meeting with Ticketmaster to talk about a way to price my tickets Because there's certain things that as a guy who would go to a theater that I would like Like to sit up front. I wouldn't mind paying more money But then I guess they say that That really fucks with your presale because your presale is all like when you go on presale for these theater tours That's rewarding your fans like the people that follow you on instagram and listen to the podcast That's they buy them in presale because you're not it's not released to the general public

It's just you going they're on sale right now if you're a fan of mine This is the reward you get as a fan is is like I'm let you know now You can go get set up front for the exact same price as the guy that sits in the balcony so um But yeah, I there's I think there's I'm curious to see there to see how this works. You know, it's a first like legit Big theater tour I've ever done and I'm I'm interested to see I'm interested to see how certain material goes over, you know

I'm interested to see if I can fuck around as much as I do in the clubs like because I can Workshop a joke in the clubs and get away with it and in the theater. I don't know when you got 1800 people Like you said you got to whip them in a shape and make sure they're listening so, uh Okay, I'm trying to figure out the waitstaff raffle. I got something going on with that I wanted to be a party bro. I'll tell you what I did last night Then this is I'm this is a well the kid knocks. No, I said he won the raffle. Yeah I

Waitstaff guy said you game made on the box whatever Do you see in the theater? There's no waitstaff. I got an idea. Okay. I got an idea Yeah, because in the theater they sit they have to go all the way to the back And get a fucking beer. There's no waitstaff in the fucking theater. You know, I'll tell you what I'm doing Okay, by the way, I haven't thought this out fully. This is just I And if and if anyone's listening and this doesn't happen the way I want to for whatever legal purposes Uh, just know that this is where my head's at So I had a really hard time with the meet and greets because I don't I like doing meet and greets

I think as I like meet and greets like if I went and saw you I would definitely want to come up to you and go Hey, man, I thought you were fucking amazing. There's part of me that is that guy, you know Like if I see a band If you told me I could meet jeff jeff tweedy for a wilco show I'd be like, oh, please I'd pay anything, but I don't want to have people pay to come see me and do a meet and greet I'm not going to charge like 300 bucks to go come backstage and meet me because I feel like that's not our fans You know, our fans are the ones that are literally like, hey, man

I'm going to dip out on my netflix bill next month to make sure I can go see joey live or joe c burt or tommy live So what I'm going to do Is uh, and by the way, don't hold me to this, but this is what I'm doing. I'm trying it tomorrow night in portland I'm going to raffle off I'm gonna put a raffle box up front. You get a ticket. You can buy as many tickets as you want every ticket's a dollar And at the end of the show, I'm gonna have them backstage pull 50 ticket numbers And each of those 50 people or 25 whatever the number comes out to be can bring a plus one backstage And say say hi and take a picture all it could all it matters is they raffle off that

Get that number all you need to buy is one ticket for your chance to win You can buy more tickets if you really want to do it And then I'm gonna take all that money in the box I'm gonna pull one of the numbers and then just give that money to a fan at the audio at the show Who doesn't get to come see you maybe yeah, like just go and you don't get a meet and greet But boom here's your ticket. You get all the money for the raffle. I don't want it. I think that would be dirty If I took that money, I don't I wouldn't feel comfortable with that But to give it back to a fan so like theoretically someone comes to my show and wins $5,000

How fucking great would that be and then the bigger it gets because you know people I know me I put 200 bucks in if I went I go fuck. Yeah, I want to I want a chance to win the The money at the end of the shows when you're doing the tabernacle for 1800 people You get you could do like pots of 40 grand How great you already walked into their car You you bring a girl up on stage and you go you don't get the meet and greet, but here's $10,000 cash How fucking great would that be Fuck you

I'll be coming to see you next year definitely Yeah, I'm bringing friends too. Yeah, so I thought about that last night because I so regardless I'll do the raffle for the meet and greet because I wanted to be fair to everyone And if you want to put in more money the raffle But that's what I think I'm gonna try it tomorrow night in portland on the first show And just see how that works see what the right number of meet and greet people is so it's not overwhelming It's kind of you can run smoothly And then see if I don't know I don't know I talked my business manager about

Like if that's a tax exemption or if I'm running a illegal gambling racket Like you can't just go into certain cities and go, uh, I'm giving away 40 grand tonight So, you know, you know me I'll videotape it. I'll put it online and we'll see how it works I'll be doing that in vancouver two shows guys We'll do it. We were doing it with uh loonies or toonies. What are they called? Boonies loonies croon Yeah, loonies and toonies, right? Yeah, loonies and toonies. It's it's canadian money. It's one dollars and two dollars Smells like maple syrup regardless

Is that why part of the reason why you're doing a big like a lot of dates because For me like the part that was a little not frustrating but hard When I did like like the fox was with joey is It's hard to just do one show like it feels like you don't like you just barely getting warmed up Like you're doing a lot of shows like it. Oh, no, no, no The plan was just to do one in everywhere And then they sold out and then immediately everyone's like, well, you're already there. You want to add a show And saguro was the first one. I mean I lean on tom so much

I bust his balls. We both bust each other's balls a lot He him all of all of us have been so you're the one that got me out of sunday shows Tom's the one that whenever comes to money. I always run to tom go. I see you're working sunday shows I didn't get you out of no not this tour But tom's like that second show is where you make your money when you add a show to theater Yeah, because you got to rent all the shit that they're already. Yeah, you got to rent all that So if you do one show you don't get the lion's share But if you add that second show all those expenditures are already paid for

So the second they were like, hey, I remember them calling me we went on presale and Like and you know, you do a big radio tour So I get done the radio tour at like seven in the morning girls Probably a nine in the morning girls are in school. I go to take a shower I'm gonna take a nap and leon comes in and they're like, uh, you sold out boston I was like, wait, it just went on sale Like an hour ago and she goes, yeah, you went out a second show. I was like, fuck. Yeah And then dwarfman called me

And a brian dwarfman and he was like, hey man, I think you have a good tour And then that afternoon at like noon they woke me up and they're like Hey, they want to add like 13 second shows and I was like, okay Because you're like you're already there you make that money and then you're like, okay This will be a good tour and then we added a second show to every fucking market when we had four and some three and some And but then but then it turns into the thing where you that's where I had to flip in my brain I can let this overwhelm me or I can turn this into a party and get myself a tour bus and just go

I'm not I'm not my goal isn't I'm not going to just try to do a cash grab. I'm going to make this fun for myself and really Enjoy it and just enjoy it like like I like if you told me 20 years ago Hey, man, you're gonna do a world tour. We'll get you a tour bus and you can bring your friend You can bring some really great comics to open for you I'd be like, oh, this is how I want to do it And so I was like that's how I'm gonna do it and I'm gonna enjoy it and so like I think in st. Louis I'm staying for a monday night show

We're doing a monday night show. I think maybe in minnesota too And then and you're just like fuck it man. I'm in I had a flip on my switch too I did I think I did eight or nine shows in braya the other weekend I just said hold on don't get overwhelmed by two shows Just this is the job Yeah, I like two shows. Yeah, I like two shows. I also like thursday night. I love I love going on thursday doing one show Doing 15 minutes extra and trying shit, right and feeling out the room that I do enjoy But I do enjoy two show nights

Sundays I had to give up. I don't care what you pay me on a sunday. I can't do it no more That was the biggest change. I cannot do it. I cannot sit there all day and people you don't know what Life isn't till you're sitting there all day. You have sundays But you're in you're in this fall. You're in the spring. Yeah, you know, you don't want to be it's like when I did will turn The fucking Yankees were in town when I did the world bar And sunday miami was coming in Yeah, you know, and they're like, well, why don't you stay for a sunday show? I'm not going hand to hand combat with drunk people They gotta know how much you don't need millions. They made that weekend. You know how expensive our hotel room was

There were 400 500 dollar hotel rooms because the Yankees are coming to town. They fucking I gouge you know, you have to I like touring but I don't like I got my face. Yeah What's the first thing you hear on monday? Did you hear about this guy? He is shit in fucking Florida What's the first thing you hear on tuesday fucking last time he was eating the 13 tickets, you know So everything I do I wanted to be done A specific way it was perfect man. You told me that and I remember it has immediately You you the if you have that that sunday show I mean just to put in perspective for those that don't know what we're talking about

Thursday show you're flying in for you're flying in on thursday. No press All you do is land take a shower. Oh, no, there's a lot of people flying wednesday night. Yeah But that's a fourth night away from your family. I fly in. I fly in thursday that's a fourth night away from your your things For you to be an effective stand-up comic Which for years I didn't do these things. Yeah, I wasn't smelling roses I was too busy doing it and I don't know why terry's still with me Because the first three years I let her know

To her face that she did not hold a candle to comedy Uh, yeah, I don't give a fuck about your birthday Valentine's day is just another day my birthday could go fuck itself Yeah, christmas wipe your pussy with that And all that shit because when you're a real comic You don't think about those things. Oh, yeah when you're 30 years old You have no responsibility. No girlfriend. No wife. No kids The holidays are over

People calling you and going hi. We're coming to LA for 10 days. That's great. But I'll see you Sunday night at the fourth wall. What are you talking about? I thought we were going dinner and going to see mickey mouse Go see mickey mouse with your mother That's what this becomes it becomes if i'm living away from my family And if i'm doing this going to clubs every night, don't start this is a laker game Don't do this I keep when I was from 97 To 2003 I was not a very nice person

Oh, I was not a very nice. I was a nice person But my focus is I don't go to talk about birch birthday party You get josh wolf over here right now I don't know. I was josh wolf tight ask him if I ever went to any of his parties with his cousin When scott wolf was every Saturday they had a party go ask him Yeah Mike job was to be a comic I don't know what you're talking about

I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, I catch an occasional dodger game I go to the beach once a year, you know But I don't know what you're talking about. It's like, okay You come to orange candy time. No because i'm not getting audition. Yeah No, how many times you're on your way out to go dick around And also in your aging calls they want to see you at 230 They got to come all the way back at the fax machine get this I don't go nowhere Do they no one understands that georgia was georgia was born on uh june 7th

We took her home june 8th and I left june 9th to go work. I was like, that's what I do This is what you do. Yeah, I'd be able to understand that and then they get mad when Shit, don't flip your way. You're 30 Lee You got no wife no kid Far from what you believe you don't need to sleep You don't need to do anything You don't need to be there tomorrow morning

You're a comic dude It's a really it's a it's you're a comic. There's that old Jerry Seinfeld story. He told in comedian. Do you remember that? No, it's the uh A bunch of like I think it's either comics a bunch of comics or uh, or musicians or whatever. It's a story It's an old story. I'm gonna fuck it up. But this is the gist of it a bunch of A bunch of Late late night acts like us guys who work at night. That's what they do Their bus breaks down in the middle of the in the middle of the winter

And so they got all their gear and they're walking on the street when they walk up to a house and everyone's inside the house Like a family and they're all sitting by the fire having cocoa and watching tv And one guy looks at the other man and goes can you imagine having to do that every night? Because we got I mean I got I got the best job in the fucking world This is You know, I've been obsessed with this lately But like I have a brain that all it does is think about comedy all day long all day long All I get to do is think about comedy yesterday

I was laying in bed and all I thought about was writing jokes about glory holes. That's it for an hour I just I re worked at every angle. I just laid in bed and Leanne comes in she goes, what are you doing? And I go i'm working That's it. I called up stanhope them. This is one of my best stanhope stories and it changed the way I started writing I call stanhope one time It's like sun setting in la sun's already probably down in bizby and I he answers the phone. I say, what are you doing? He goes, uh, having a grapefruit and a vodka having a cigarette and trying to think of some goofs I said what and he goes good thinking some goofs. I'm trying to write a knock knock joke

He's a fucking grown man. He's just trying to rewrite a knock knock joke You know, it's the beauty of this job is you hang out with a guy like norm mcdonald and you watch his brain work And you go, that's all he had to do do I bill burr and I were hanging out the other day and he goes, can I just tell you a joke? I'm like, oh, yeah, it's one of the fucking funniest jokes. I've ever heard and he goes, yeah norm mcdonald told it to or no Uh, gilbert graffie told it to norm norm told it to me. I just told it to you I thought I thought you'd enjoy it

And you're like, that's our job. That's our job. It's just a fucking thinking jokes. That's it Oh, come on I love it. I love the whole process of it. I love a to z I love this. I love this. We I love podcast. I love that. I'm sitting I'm sitting at where we had a meeting right before this me and leann and my mom ended up going And they're the the guys running late and so I text you I go I'm running 15 minutes late And then the guy's like, uh, I was like, I gotta go I gotta bounce And uh, he's like, oh, you got to get back to work and I go, yeah, kind of and the guy was what do you do?

I said, I'm a comedian and he goes, that must be nice and leann goes Oh, he's just going over to joey Diaz's office to do a podcast and the guy goes, you know joey Diaz Oh, that's my afternoon. That's my afternoon as I just get to come over here hang out with you guys bullshit giggle And then go home have a glass of wine Getting the pool with isla. I fucking love it, dude I leave here pick up mercy. Yeah, take a karate at four And that's not going to spaghetti factory Not the spaghetti factory we go to

Our restaurant our wednesday night italian food, which is god horrible. Yeah, but she loves it. I sit through it and fucking pray I don't get syphilis And we come home And i'm gonna watch the art kelly thing but 10 years ago I'd be doing four spots tonight. Oh, bro. That's I wrestle with that because I understand I had to stop wrestling with it. I wrestled with it this week. So conclusion this week conclusion

You got to be at the store on tuesday night This week. I said no, I would I literally these last couple weeks I know that i'm going on tour hard That uh, jesca will give me a text and be like do you have any avails and I I was like, I'm trying to spend time with the girls because i'm about to hit this tour So and I told I told uh adam I said you're not gonna see me for a while and i'm i can't i can't hang out before the tour Because once i'm gone on the tour i'm gone and i want the girls i want to be able to teach george

I had a slide. I want to teach. I want to you know, take the girls out and do stuff I want to see movies with them for a little bit. So I it was rough, man I've been looking at the lineups lately because I get them on instagram And i'm like, fuck I should I should be there tonight. I should be that we fun It's just all bullshitting around in the back I saw the other day was like Delia rogan and tommy and I was like and you and I was like, ah I see the pictures that uh, try conrad posted and I go fuck. I want to be in that green room

Just bullshitting man. It's I can't do six nights a week. No, I mean i'm i'm I don't even know how i don't remember falling asleep last night I don't remember falling asleep last night. I got home like a quarter to 12 I dicked around the office for about 30 minutes. I smoked some fucking pot I made notes or something And then it felt like I was up all night And then it was five in the morning And then I had a pee and my wife was already out of bed

And then I heard the door open I heard by daddy And I got up and gave her a kiss and I thought I'd see you later and shit I'm embarrassed because I like being up early. So I woke up at eight on the 750 was when she leaves for school But I can't do that five nights a week. Yeah, you know, it was a day last week I had to take like three naps in the daytime without three days in a row like I'm going out at night like just Those gigs and oxnards and shit that's it. That's why I cannot I love my agents. I love that my agent has the ability to send me around the world If you want to get booked call my agent tell him i'm going on vacation

If you tell him if you call justin and tell him you're going to mars He'll find your job in venus That's the way to mars I've told him this we've laughed about this that it's like Worst thing you could tell my agent I call him up and I'm going on vacation. Where you going? Connecticut an hour later Listen, I got you a date there. I don't want to fucking date. I just want to see you know what I'm saying Yeah, because when you go on vacation with your family and you got to do a date It's usually that night when you're having the best time

Like your your mom is there. Yeah, and now it's seven you got to get up from the fucking table And excuse yourself and you can't cancel because there's two shows already sold out. Oh, and you're like this blows That is so that's why I like when I went to new york this last time. I didn't take a fucking comedy show nothing Yeah, nothing. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to do nothing I remember those days when we'd go to the lian We have a lake house in alabama and we'd go there and I'd get in the car And I'd drive two hours into atlanta and do a spot at night and then drive back And I liana be like, do you really have to leave? I love that stuff. Yeah when that vacation shit. Yeah, I do

I don't want to do a gig for money is what I'm saying. Yeah If I'm sitting there and it's nine o'clock and the in-laws are in bed I know you say you don't want to be like down committed to it the baby's tired And I'm sitting in there's nothing on tv and there's a pizza place that has an open mic You bet your fucking ass. I'm gonna walk that open mic get a slice of shitty pizza And tell jokes and meet the local comics. Yeah, why not? That's phenomenal. Yeah, that's one thing That's one thing to be sitting there and you go up to your daughters and go you want to play monopoly. No Honey, what do you want to do? You want to know? I'm gonna go do that. I don't sing your in-laws like oh, we're tired

Yeah, let me go see what the fuck is going on on the open mic scene You walk down to the corner. There's a coffee shop. You open up that local entertainment area and sure enough open mic poetry night I see poetry night. I'm down there What kind of poetry are you? Don't worry about it. I'll show you when I get on stage I'll show you your poetry when I get on stage, you know the other day that uh, somebody told me they went back to boulder Somebody we were at the store and somebody goes it won't pack the boulder You're not gonna believe that they closed penny lane

What was penny lane and you ever have those things like? I don't even know how to describe them. I think that they affect It's one of those places in your life that when it closes It actually does something to your heart Something memorable to your candy store when you grew up at The people owned at the family the three generations You know Something for you was a a pizza player

You were telling me there was a pizza place in your neighborhood That if one day your mom calls you and goes guess what mr. Margeanos closing the pizza place You're like really Like that just took the wind out of myself That's why I would go when I go home and I see bird, you know when you go to Tampa. Yeah, like I go to margeanos I'm just making up a name by the way Seizures in new york for you. Yeah, yeah down in south Tampa had the best the first place that In florida, we didn't have pizza the way everyone else did but it had new york style pizza with a crispy crust

And he throw in that you didn't see places like that and he'd sprinkle parmesan and An oregano on for you on a cheese on a slice of cheese Every time you got the spinach and tomato and the cheese that was it every time Do scissors in new york in in south Tampa and then I went down with my I was with I think lienne the girls when the girls were young We're driving around and go do you want to have the best piece of pizza you'll ever have in your life? She's like, yeah, I drive up to it and it's gone It's like a fucking Fucking quickie mark for pills now. Well, this did something to my heart penny lane

Was a coffee shop in bold Have you ever been to bold? Yeah, we love boulder. This is when it was this is 98 when it was very hippie-ish So I got on stage in 91 I'm trying to be a comic. There's no comedy in boulder. I was in the halfway house with this dude That was older if I was 30 he must have been about 50. He was an old bank robber or some shit I think he's not a bank robber. He was a safe cracker. We even talked about it a couple times He told me how to crank different saves and he was a very entertaining guy

Jewish guy from new york. Yeah, he must have been 50, but he had a fucking girlfriend That was 26 and just banging and she was The manager at penny lane penny lane was a coffee shop One of the first coffee shops way before starbucks and behind it was the harvest restaurant And penny lane, they had poetry lane And I would go there, you know, I would because she would give me drinks for free So I would go there put two dollars a thing and she would give me like chocolate cocoa or whatever And then they'd be up there like so I ran and I ran

And I ran into a mosh filled with roses and all this stuff So one night I said to her, oh listen Do you mind if I go up there and she's like, I don't know the guy that runs it thinks he's fucking shakespeare I mean the guy really had the hat with the pepula pewie thing and everything And I go up there and just unleash a barrage Pussy and Godzilla jokes and chinese people running And they had to cut the show like stop stop This is a poetry night

And I go, you know, what's the difference? Just let me do three minutes. You know, he's like, well, you're insulting some of the people I go, well, I'll clean it up a little bit No, no, no, no, no, he goes, listen Godzilla and pussy and chinese people running away Because you seem like a nice guy. He goes, just do me a favor come to the midnight one There's a midnight one on fridays and saturdays. They would stay open all night. This is when it was safe Yeah, so how many times I went there and there'd be 40 people listening to poetry at two in the morning And I would go up this is I'm talking 1990

I started in 91. Yeah, so this has to be 91 92 Because one day they don't they told me not to come back no more One night she wasn't there and they're like, listen, just don't come back no more Just don't come back you can't come back there, but I don't know how many sets I did in there and bombed Really like just one in there to bomb like I was already predetermined I'm just gonna be a failure and I'm gonna go in there bomb. They told me that they closed the place I just I don't even know what I'm telling you guys It just broke my heart. I took so many bombings in that place

But they did that with the boston comedy club in new york when they closed it. I went fuck I thought I'd always be able to come back there now. Isn't it reopened? No, they read they they recreated it for pete holmes's show But they didn't reopen it. It's a wine bar. I think now I don't know it's the same with the last stop. Do you remember the last stop in houston? Man when that place closed I was like fuck the original one the one. Yeah the original one in uh He in uh in houston gray gray. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm great. Yeah. I was on gray street. Oh my god

They said when we talked to netflix and you know, you don't know what your budget's gonna be When that you get I mean, I knew it wasn't gonna be much, but they said just ballpark Well, if you could shoot your special anywhere, how would you shoot it? No, you know price isn't an option I was like I'd go in and I'd rent that restaurant for a week That now is the houston last stop and then I'd rebuild this I'd rebuild the stage and they're still there. What do you mean? It's not they never tore it down and the restaurant closed And they they only used the front part for the restaurant

So the thing remains open. They were opening it for a few weeks Jimmy Schubert did it. They were opening. Are you serious some comic talked them into it But you couldn't cover the nut some comic went in there and said listen. It's just sitting here. It's there All you gotta do is go in there and put the lights on the whole fucking chain your back of business How does comedy central or someone not shoot a bunch of specials in there like just Just a bunch of guys who started there and grew up around there and and like was that what was your home club? Well, it wasn't that that was at in from 97 to 2003 If you didn't work the livestock, you weren't shit

A houston. Last stop was the hip place to play and what had happened was Tom roger's show got cancelled and mitch headberg talked them Into doing it with him a co-headlining spot and that just leveled it out after that And stand hoping in there and rogue and shot his cd in there I put my my first everybody from there. Yeah, because they had the capability to record Yeah, they would tell you when you come in you want to do a cd this week We'll tape it for you. You're like really on you could say anything in that room except george bush Yeah, good and like shit on george bush. I told my wife that that you go to austin go fuck the bushes

They could suck my dick when mrs. Wood who just died both of them Yeah, but the old man when the old man died, you know, it's really crazy how you learn about geography and jokes In the old days if you went to austin, oh, you could talk shit on the bushes and shit I remember going on the ride. I remember being up on stage in houston Fucking lit on jagermeister Doing quotes from the godfather Like after every two jokes I would go Michael coley only did this Michael coley only did that and then I would do two more jokes and go into biggie

Warning, yeah, what the fuck is this? Paging me in mind for the six in the morning crack it on and now I'm yawning in between those two things I said every horrible thing From those two things. I used all the n words from the biggie song I used all the Michael coley only shit And I remember I had him in hysterics And I said something about george bush and the room just froze Like you can't recover in those days in houston from george bush joke

Like political comics and died a slow death in that these guys walking around today would have been dying a slow death in that Yeah, political humor. Did you ever do the amarillo comedy club? Yes, I did with the moran brothers No, I knew the moran brothers. I knew kelly very daily rest in peace. I knew him from seattle Before he ate the pills or whatever the fuck he did because he always did something Yeah, he was good friends with charred hogan who in turn was best friends with mitch headberg Mitch headberg and charred hogan were the first people that ever rent a Volkswagen bus And go across the country doing get sets Really, that's how mitch headberg got all his work at first kelly moran and I worked together at sacramento at last unlimited

And uh, the lady there was leslie was a booker it laughs unlimited And kelly's like hey man, you're really funny. I I was featuring he goes I need you to tone it down. I'm having a hard time following you. I was like, oh sure man Of course, so I dial it very really cool. He's sober at the time So he we get done the first show and he says to leslie goes Hey, why don't you have you should not have him featuring? I can't imagine there's a lot of guys that can follow him. You should have him headlining She goes he's not a headliner

She goes he goes yeah, he's clearly a headliner and she goes no We only hire headliners that headline other places and he had a comedy club in amaryllis and he goes Hey, what are you doing next weekend? I said nothing and he goes Would you like to headline my club in amaryllis? I said I'd love to and he goes you're hired He was he's now a headliner don't let him feature kelly moran did that for me And I went down to I went down to amaryllis the very next weekend And I think if i'm mistaken and I apologize But I think kelly got back on pills within the time that I met him sober

And that next weekend and he went into the amaryllis comedy club He went into my backpack and he took my joke book and he lit a cigar in the back of the club And started smoking a cigar in the back of the club and flipping through my joke book and he go Gay Elvis dream. What's that? What's that joke? And I tell the joke and it was just him dying laughing in the back smoking a cigar He had his brother kevin moran. I think all them were using pills Kevin had a had broke his arm had broke his hand He had one hand that wasn't working so well

But he put 100 cigarette the 100 length cigarette in there He picked you up with one of those burning and he had a cone because I think he was eating pills And he'd comb his hair with the other hand while he drove And just oh he just feather his hair because it felt good because he was high And he said to me the first night I worked and they had their other brother Who I used to party with all the time. I forget his name. He passed as well, but uh But man Those brothers were fun as fuck and they they were good. I worked there every quarter

They brought me back because I they liked I like to party and say these you bring me in and I remember kevin the first night says Hey, I don't care if you say the m word. I don't care if you say anything about mexicans I don't care if you say anything about anything, but if I hear one gd come out of your mouth I'm pulling you off the fuck. What's gg god damn You couldn't see god damn right down there. You couldn't see god damn And then I remember the I remember paulie shore went down there and staged a fight. Do you remember that? Paulie four went down to paulie shore went down the amaryllis comedy club This is right when like uh all that shit like my space was big

And he made it look like he made a joke about rednecks and a guy got on stage and punched him Yes, I remember sort of the story Dude and and it went viral and then he came out and he's like I staged it. It didn't really happen and everyone's like Oh But I was like that's it fucking amaryllis Yeah, that amaryllis comedy club. They had a bar right next door me and kevin and kelly's youngest brother I can't remember his name Man, we used to get fucking wasted there and then kelly's ex-wife would come in that was my name

I can't remember. She's still around Really? She's still around sweetheart of a guy. She was awesome. We drink coronas She was 20 In 1995 and kelly was a grown man. Yeah, when we hung out with her. She was in her my favorite Joker hers was she did a Excuse me. I'm janet jack like that janet jackson line at the time Uh, she would do excuse me something. It doesn't really matter But I saw she dated duncan for a while. No fucking way

Everybody Fucking fucked everybody duncan did fuck a lot of people gave milkshake to all those bitches and then duncan seems like a nice guy But they would show up and duncan and make them put balls in their mouth and whip them And do diabolical shit and all these nice girls were like fuck duncan's duncan's got to have a sick game Duncan's a sick motherfucker, man but I came up with kelly and kelly was a great guy to me and whatever. He's a great guy. What happened was he moved to ally

yeah And he was gone for about six months And here I am in seattle cheering for him You know because I didn't have the balls to move to ally Yeah, i'm cheering for the guy cheering for the guy cheering for the guy He comes back to seattle. He goes on stage on a monday night And he does the exact same six minutes he left with And I was blown the fuck away

I did a thousand gigs with kelly. Yeah, kelly used me as a feature at portland one time He was a great last margaritas in portland, origan There was a mexican restaurant that was booked by donna richards. Kenny was his brother's name. Kenny. Wait a second So i'm telling you about that girl that I met and I went with her till fourth Oh, yeah, yeah, and then we headed down to san francisco and she tells me She's really good at doing that. So I go wait till we get to the hotel Now guys what i'm telling you this chick was perfect. I had to tell her really pretty really sweet had a job

We started swapping spit. I sure it comes off And she had a thousand of those skin plugs What do you call those skin tags skin tags where the thing is growth? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they were all over her back So when you made out with her every time you felt them back All she had was those little skin growth and I remember like her sucking my dick and me like putting her back What is this shit like? I'm going to like a lump of thumbs. It was like going through a village of thumbs And i'm like i'm stuck with this girl for four more days

And I didn't know there was no electrolysis then there was no like gold There was no people chinese lady on fucking lifetime that pops that shit She had and then people sang joe how many she probably had 18 on her back But she hit him and she's like it's a problem if it's a problem i'll get him fixed Like she had gotten dumped by every boyfriend because of this thing. Oh my god She's like all the guys I day freak out and the chicks looked a tremendous tuba. I mean she was a savage And she was beautiful And I said, you know what? I don't give a fuck. You know, I kept meeting around weekend and stuff

And then I moved to our land I remember we spoke a few times and she said she was going to come visit me and we lost contact when that was it But she had skin tags All over her back dude when I was in first grade I woke up one morning with 100 skin tags under my arm, right first grade now Now you know I exaggerate stories, but i'm telling you I was in first grade. I had a hundred You just woke up one day one day now you could take those off a doctor can't doctor can take them off Yeah, so I have a it's a hundred and my mom notices them and says what is that?

I don't know it just showed up. So they take me to a doctor. I'm in first grade and the doctor Raised my arm and I'm telling you Every single one of them you put a drip of acid on and it burned them and it was so fucking painful And what's worse is it looked like raw meat under my arms. They all came off Like he'd acid put acid and then clip them off or whatever and I for in first grade I remember I got I got just about any present I wanted for like I remember I got a lone ranger Action figure I got it. I got the stretch arm strong I got all this shit because it was like raw meat under my arm and I've never had them since but that

I remember just fucking what causes those things Someone told me cancer It's like friction or something. It's it's I get some sometimes I get them on my neck I don't have any now. No, no, no a skin tag is something that comes out. You ever see those? Yeah, she had those things that come on head grow out of you become an old lady. Oh, no a mole a mole Like a brown mole so much worse is the skin tag. Yeah. No, it's so oh, she had moles all over her back Yeah, you know those things that head grow out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She had those everywhere. Oh, fuck I'm trying to pet her back

She's looking my nuts It was a nightmare Dude, I hooked up with a girl with a lot of moles And she was gorgeous But just had a bunch of moles and you know and she was she was probably a freshman in college I was a junior for first junior year second junior year Right when I was back from russia and I hooked up with her and she had moles and she was

Perfect But it says she was too young to not know you got to get rid of those, you know, like she was just in high school So now, you know, it's like your parents aren't gonna say shit. You got to be an adult before you go How am I gonna get rid of this shit on my neck? And so but I couldn't I couldn't get past the moles the moles are different than skin tags Furcrash, you and I have a similar Thing only I hadn't want film and tv credits And that made it even more frustrating

Because when I moved to this town The guarantee was you shoot four episodes of a tv show And now on the weekends you go out and you sell out. Yeah, was that was that simple? Yeah They didn't need to know who you were. They didn't need to know what your name was It was guaranteed when I first started going on the road with Joe Rogan You know any fucking people he used to walk Really? I remember one specific argument He got into me him and chris maguire

Some lady came up to me. She goes, you're a fraud You're not Joe from news radio. He's like, are you fucking kidding me lady? And she's like what you were saying in there was you know, misogynistic whatever women get pissed off about And he told he goes what happened What happened? Nobody picked you to play handball get the fuck. I mean joe was crazy too back then There used to be those To get a lot of heat back then because they want to see the guy I can't imagine what america's more funny is videos guy did

Say again, yeah God he's going up there talking about finger banging babies and shit Fucking the ocean twins. Yeah, and their family, you know, their families that are going to see him Like we're going to see the guy from family videos He's in the show his cat's falling off a thing And next thing you show down there and this is what it's eliminated, but to get back to the original conversation I had the same problem then And I didn't know what the equation was nobody knows what the equation was and I was just telling these guys in the other day that

I was doing a podcast with felicia You know, we're just feeling out our way trying to keep it topical No, we agreed on nothing topical so it couldn't be dated. Yeah So we were talking and I couldn't figure it out And felicia got those black things to put in front of the microphone spit spit catches. Yeah And I'll never forget that I just went into a story you go into a story and you go into the story You're there for the moment. Yeah, and I'm into the story and I'm talking about mugging a hooker and That she took a fucking switchblade out went to cut out

And all of a sudden walk three of my friends started punching and she was blocking and she's like get me out of the car And I'll never forget looking at felicia And one of the like in one of the processes Looking at her and her jaw was wide open And I started laughing my ass off That she called me that night and said do you really want to leave this story on there? And I go You know, if we don't have that story under that podcast goes kaput because yeah the half hour after that. That's all we discussed And that sunday it was 10 10 of 10

2000 it was october 10th of 2010. Yeah, I was on a tape of cd itself. I was not prepared at all A special in fact the game and taped it I was not prepared at all. I just was taking a hunch And I put it on the podcast That was tape on the special I thought 13 people would show up And I'll never forget being in on the 101 in the phone ring And it being south going bro. You got a hundred and something people in there I'm going south. Why are you lying coming? He goes no, yeah

You have a hundred people in there and me walking in there and I'm going tell us to hook her And that was it like that was that for a year. I had to tell that story. Yeah for a year. I closed it that story and people Fucking some people loved it And some people fucking hate it But there was no deviating from the truth. There's no deviation from You know, she got in the car. She took a switch blade out and went to cut my body and also we punched the 10 times And I had it raw like in the end the truth was we were just trying to take coke money from it Yeah, so she was like, I ain't giving you my money and we took it to the cemetery and we're gonna kill you right now

And she goes, okay, and she opened up a pussy And out came a little ball like uh, she took she took the you have any bills on you? She took her money and she hit it into like a chinese What's those chinese things that people play with? Oh, uh, origami origami It was like, thank you. Look at 20 lee with a 20. This is look at this guy came out and he covered his eyes This fucking guy hasn't seen sunlight in weeks. He's jewish Look at the guy. Look at ben frank. He came out and he covered his eyes. Is that ben frank? What's his name?

Yeah, what's his name? No, that's amilton. Who's on the 20? I think hamilton was black and wrapped. No Look at him. He's he's still going. Jesus christ Where was I alaska, but we she had the money this small Like this small And she goes you motherfucker want my money or you can have my money and she opened up her legs And this fell out of her twat and it was like a candy. You ever have those christmas peanuts? They're like It was 60 dollars Coated in like pussy juice and condom residue

Oh, and fucking after birth and whatever she had in the pussy And I remember we got in the car and like we didn't want to touch it We're like, all right, let's go to the coke dealer's house and like going to his house and giving them the money and going Ill so we had to take the outside money and put in the middle because I had the pussy juice and vaginal discharge. Thank you I'm watching you Who does that trick? Oh heads. I win tails you lose Yeah, who's that brown crab? Oh, yeah heads. I win tails. I win tails you lose I got you with that a couple times

The heads I win tails you lose Your special was phenomenal Thank you. I wish you all the success. I wish you stay safe I I want you to promise me you're gonna do a little workout when you're on the road. Yeah And not staying that thing, you know, take care of yourself You know, I've never ever ever called you an alkie or anything because you're not an alkie the reason why I love you You remind me a lot of my mother

Lee says to me, I don't know how you can talk about all the fucking day because I'm a functioning fucking addict Even when I was doing eight balls till seven in the morning and I was asleep. You still got to go to work, bitch Yeah, so I would get up and I'd still hear the twitches and my neck from me From the cocaine We were talking about last night. It was mercy's birthday And uh, lee came over when we you know, it's six o'clock. We've got a carvel cake She turned six and we were talking about how I can never pass a driving test. Do you know that? I have never officially passed. That's how stupid I am

You never pass a drive never the first license I got it's like your brother owned the driving school Yeah, so all I had to do was give him 50 bucks and he just gave me a license like a beginning So I had to take the driving test the written test. Yeah So all I had to do is take the driving test and that's how I got my new jersey license But then my colorado license. I was telling lee last night that Seattle I failed four times The driving test. Yeah, and in colorado. I only got it because I lived in basalt And everybody would say go to go it's like living in north hollywood and having a fucking

Uh, a dmv that's always empty. Yeah, but people would tell you go to the one in hollywood Even if it's packed because that guy's an asshole and you're gonna fail anyway And I'm like, I'm not going to glenwood springs To take a fucking driving test. I'm going to that guy Yeah, and I'll never forget walking in there and I walk in there's a guy with long hair And this guy's got all his army medals in the back. He's retired. He's still got the marine hairdo And the guy came up to him like with the driving test And he looked at he was wet. How did you learn to sprout and the guys fuck you man?

It's true everybody says you're an asshole. I shouldn't have came here So this is my minute to act The guy goes fuck you you want to fight he tells the old guy this the old guy gets up like he's an old man He's still got up because he's a marine He got up like yeah, I'll give it to you and I got in the middle I'm like fuck you punk and I pushed the guy and I threw him down the stairs and shit We got into it Then I came up and the guy's like that wasn't necessary

And I go I respect people you can't hit people with white hair and all this shit So you go shut up and take your test. I mean the guy was just a cap He was like the guy from the platoon leader and platoon. Yeah, just the same way. Yeah same attitude This year's a month years So once I stuck up for the guy he After I took the test like I had done okay or something or maybe I got like 10 wrong And he goes, let's see how your driver is

So he took me I had borrowed my friend station wagon because you couldn't you weren't allowed to bring fucking foreign cars then He would fail you automatically That's how much of an american he was. You're like, don't bring a chain Don't show up there with a Toyota nisa Because he will fail you off the bat. Don't even think you're showing up with a Hyundai Because that's when 20 years ago when Hyundai first came out white people were on a rampage Like people like your father's father because Hyundai

built megs the engines and megs that drove Americans crazy during world war two really those americans till this day Still believe that you know how many when I was selling crisis How many geese's came in and said lift the engine on that If they saw a Hyundai there we go buy and Hyundai is basically in every car Really, there's a piece of a Hyundai in every car. Hyundai is the number one engine Build so you buy an Nissan. It's probably built by fucking

Hyundai I've never owned it. I've never owned an asian car. So that's why all those old americans when they come in They would look at Hyundai and go i'm not buying no fucking my dad would never buy an asian car because of his dad Yeah, so I would and I and I just never bought an asian car. I don't hate asians. I have nothing I don't hate asians at all. It's just a traditional. It's like it's like, yeah, you either get an american made car You could go german That's what my dad said like not not like set it down But my dad either drove like a lincoln or a Mercedes. I won't drive german out of respect for the jews

Really? Yeah, I will never get it. Oh, I don't love my BMW. This fucking moron drives the Volkswagen these days. You drive a Volkswagen? Only in LA these germans. It's cheap. I got it a few years. These jews love that bmw is me. I still hold the torch You understand me. I'm not even jewish. Yeah, I hold the torch go to israel. It's full of Mercedes Benz. That's all they have Unbelievable god bless their souls They fucking sold their souls I would have a fucking heart attack if like one of my uncles was in arschwitz And you showed up in my house with a bmw. I would fucking kick you out of there. I would take it that personal Like when I see arschwitz survivors on tv, like I just start crying

Yeah, like when they just be in there for the week. Oh, so I don't want to deal. I don't have nothing against germans. I just I don't like mingling germans and fucking that's just a bad mingle I don't like when there's a german in the room and a nazi and a jew in the room in fact the exorcist That's how the fight starts Really because one of the arguments starts over When she comes down in peas, that's why she starts because the guy keeps calling the guy a nazi Oh, really in the end in the beginning the first scene where they haven't seen that already They're playing the piano and they're all singing

The butler is is german And one of the guests is jewish. He's an actor and he keeps busting his balls I wasn't over there in the concentration camps and all this shit. He's doing that to the jewish guy to the german guy Oh, yeah, and finally the german guy takes the jew by the throat and chokes him And then that's the guy that falls off the window. He's a director And they couldn't figure out who killed them. They ruled out the butler so it was the exorcist because

They twisted his neck and then threw him down the stairs. There's no way a woman Could have twisted his neck. So they blamed on the butler that was really linda blair the devil Really, I don't even know why i'm telling you But you didn't finish the the driving story. So you had the So I got the station wagon. He gets in the car. He finally starts warming up to me And he goes come on. Let's go off-roading. I'm gonna show you some beautiful country god's country And he shows me these deer drinking fucking water and stuff On the way back. He goes i'm gonna give you your license

You're here because I started telling him i'm gonna be a marine He kept saying I just finished robbing the house two days earlier He's like i'm gonna do it your house and i'm like i'm here for residency in colorado And i'm gonna become a fucking marine and kill people's like that's my boy You know when he started just you know the racist things Like just started yelling him in the car like kill everybody Blacks asian spanish people. I'm sorry, you know, like he was like fucking crazy one of those guys. So that's how I got my license

I just remembered that last night when I was telling these my buds ah Yeah, I had to take george is going to be driving in like six months four months Isn't that crazy george is going to be driving I can't wait have a fucking designated driver call her at two in the morning. I'm at the store come pick me up I got school the morning. Go fuck yourself I pay for that school. I buy you the car. Yeah I can't I can't I can't let that little kid drive. She's not ready for the world

She's george. Uh, she's a fucking it would be hard to start in la. She is such a fucking Sweetheart and a good girl the day I called you. Yeah, I was just watching her Now where I come from bark birth bark Why come from birth when you see your friends kids? You get up You ask them how they're doing And you buy them something. Yeah, you know, I saw a walk in with a little skirt on, you know

And I said Georgia and she turned around she was with her girlfriends. Yeah, you know what I'm saying And she waved at me and she's like hi and I go I just talked to your father. I saw and she goes, oh, you know But she was a girlfriend. Yeah, I want to be uncle creepy She told me she told me because you you called me. Yeah, I just want you to know you got it You did a great job with that girl. Yeah, she's perfect. I'm watching it. Yeah, she didn't know I was watching I was waiting for the papa cigarette out to have a heart attack or something She was tutoring some girl like they were looking at books Yeah, and she was helping the girl get tutored and when I went into p

I'm like I should pick up her coffee Or ask her if she needs something But I didn't want to think I was being uncle creepy. Yeah, so I didn't say anything at all But I would do anything for george. I said to her I think I called her that night. I think I was on the road I said, hey, did you uh, you see uh No, no, she goes, uh, she goes I was I was at Maria's sea. I saw joey I said you did I said you say hi and she goes. Yeah, I said hi. I said, what was he doing? She goes, I think he was smoking marijuana

That's why she didn't come over No, I wasn't smoked. I was smoking cigarettes Then yeah, I would go over there and smoke a cigarette with one of the writers There's a writer that goes there and always asks me want to smoke a cigarette So yeah, I smoked a cigarette with him, but yeah I think you smoke your marijuana. I go. Yeah, you definitely saw joey. Are you scared for your daughters at any point in your life? Do you Do you think about them when you're on the road? Yeah, I'm afraid

but George is just such a sensitive like Really like georgia is the kid for those of you that don't know like I always tell stories about isla But georgia is the kid that when when mercy comes over to the house for christmas eve Georgia tracks her the whole time stays with her plays with her takes her into the room Remembers the shit that she had as a little girl goes. Hey mercy. You want to try this? Hey, why don't I come up up on the thing and play the piano and mercy also mercy's a Like a comet she comes into that house and that is her home

She goes into isla's room starts going through her stuff Just walks around comes out talks to everyone makes herself a plate sits up on her dad's lap Dude, mercy is a comet. She she's a lot like She's a mix of isla and georgia isla had that energy But mercy is also super sensitive like very like there was another little kid there This year and mercy was taking the time to talk to her make sure she's okay She's fucking banging the head at the end of the night. I know I'm sitting there and boomer when you hear boomer just on a wood floor

You just do the side of the cross. I hope that ain't my kid and the kid was in shock, you know But it's weird when she comes over how mercy went. It's not it wasn't me Georgia does take cameras georgia does has that sympathy isla don't give a fuck isla. Yeah isla just Isla locked her door. I go. What are you doing? She goes mercy is here. I gotta keep her out of my stuff, dad I go, I'll open your fucking door she the uh But yeah, the isla I'm georgia is just so sensitive. She's gonna get her heart broke really bad first guy. She falls

First guy she dates she'll fall in love with and just get her heart broke And I know that feeling so I'm that kind of person And that's don't be the fucking we just got to get her through that first Obviously, if you don't know it georgia is you Without the fucking titos. Yeah, georgia is you without the titos. She's very level-headed I could tell that's how you were when you were younger. Yeah, she Does she walk to that fucking bus thing in the morning? No, you both drive back and drive both of them now I worry about my daughters and I worry about what would happen. Oh worse. He's gonna be so fucking fine that kid

that kid's got Got that opra gene We're like nothing's gonna hold her back she There's sir. I'm reading this book called coddling of the american mind and they're saying The the phrase that kind of stuck with me was this phrase about um This I guess guy that worked for obama When they were talking about kids being oversensitive and getting outraged and

And he said I want to teach you to deal with adversity. I don't want to pave the jungle for you I want you to be able to figure out the jungle If I take all the weights out of the gym, it's no longer a gym The weights are there because it sucks and that's what you've got to do And there's certain kids you need your kids to find adversity and and I'll be if I may have made any mistake It's been trying to protect my kids and not let them run into as much adversity I think that's a big fault of like the kind of parent I am I think lian shows them more adversity says, you know, hey if you want go to menchies you girls go by yourself

and I'm like No, there's kidnappers out there. She's like, they're gonna be fine. You did it when you were a kid Isla's someone that can take adversity on the chin and deal with it and mercy is that same person mercy Is she's got your gene? I don't think so mercy very sensitive Really? Do she runs around our parties like literally like she's selling cars like the way like she just is so Rough and tumbled. Do you remember one of my favorite stories? It is my favorite story about your daughter I'm never we talk about this

Once once a month this comes up with my friends two Christmases ago I get I get drunk super fast and I'm I'm too drunk and then so I go into my closet to take a nap I take a 15 minute nap. I disappear for 15 minutes. I wake up And I realize I need to jump in the pool. I need to get I need to like sober up I'm gonna jump in the pool So I throw on a speedo. By the way, there's like 60 people at my house, right? Joey's family all our friends all the kids

I throw on a speedo I I come running out and I jump in the pool and immediately Isla jumps in the pool And then this kid Carter jumps in the pool and then this kid max jumps them and george jumps in the pool Everyone starts jumping in the pool and all of a sudden you see mercy and she's looking at the pool And Joey goes are you gonna do it and she sprints up to the pool and stops And she goes no no no daddy It's too cold and Joey goes come on mercy and she goes And everyone's on mercy and she starts looking around almost like hulk hogan like

And then goes no no no no no and then turns to joey smiles And jumps into the pool. It is so damn cold. What did she say before she jumped in? What did she say? Hold my ring Yeah She took her she had clothes on Sneakers the whole thing And out of the whole thing she goes. Okay daddy. She looks she looks she goes Hold my ring and she jumps in

And we fucking died dude the fucking place lost it You gotta realize there's 20 kids in the pool And we got this one like five five year old on the edge I mean working the crowd like hulk hogan like should I give him the pile driver and everyone's like come on mercy She goes no no no no and and then all the mom's like you don't have to and she's like Looks at joey hold my ring and just jumps the place went fucking nuts I felt because she was at the tip and she you can see her little fingers are moving Like she was nervous about it. She wanted to jump in

She had peer pressure out her She wanted to swim, you know, she wanted to prove a point But if you I know mercy's little head something was going on. Yeah, and finally she let us know hold the ring Forget the sneakers forget the socks forget my underwear forget the pants I got on the shirt the jacket. Oh forget all that shit It's just hold the ring dude that made us and then this year she came over and I go Hey, mercy you jumping in the pool tonight. She goes. Oh, no No

Because she didn't know it's gonna be as cold as it was she she jumped in and it's like 50 degrees And she popped up just you know that look you just When you're home by your fucking bones. Oh, no, I worry about my mercy a lot. I worry about how to raise her how to You know, you see these girls in hollywood and you've seen you've been here a long time. Yeah, and you see that hole You see that hole and you got to figure out how to Fill that fucking hole, you know, yeah when we come up the meantime and they want to be a star That's that that that's not normal, you know, there's got to be a work pattern. There has to be all these things And this times I like her at her school

But this time I don't like that school because of who else goes there other than the parents and what they're talking about It's like to how josh will set they pulled this kid out of school when he went to A kids party and the alligator Before he got killed was there Steve Irwin. Yeah, he goes. I went to a kids party when they went to carpenter. Yeah, because I went to a kids party And the guest was Steve Irwin with the alligators there And he goes and then I took my kid out of that school When he had a party and they gave away bags at the end

A party famous. Yeah, and the kid looked at the bag and threw it back at josh And he goes last party we went to they gave us nintendo's Like the games was it was expensive games. Yeah, and josh is like I gotta pull her out of That we gotta pull him out of that this environment. That's But I tried to toughen her up. I show her narcos She watches narcos with me. Yeah, I had her watching Soprano's a little bit She doesn't get the curse word. She won't say him. Yeah, cat's been dead a week

She hasn't said a word. My wife asked me tonight. What are you gonna do? I go You don't think she's noticed it. I go she's noticed it She just doesn't want to go there. Yeah, that's fine. What am I gonna do? I can't force her to go there Cat has cats left in the room every day All of a sudden he hasn't been around. She has not said a word Well, it's weird how smart they are But she's been talking about my mother a lot lately. Really? Yeah, the other day I was at the desk She came into my office

Looked at my mother's picture of me and she goes dad. I gotta clean that picture And she took the picture and I gave her a handy wipe And then she goes I gotta do the frame too. Your mother likes it when you do the frame. I'm just looking at it going God damn it, you know, this is starting to catch up on us. So I don't know what she's put together She knows her grandmother's dead But she hasn't said shit about harry in a fucking week We uh, uh

Amy Schumer killed our hamster We this was a long time ago movies. No, no No It was a long time ago. It was way before she was famous. Uh We'd done tv show together and I I I always liked her and She's a really sweet person and lianna and her got along and my sister's got along with her and it was like, you know She kind of she kind of looks like georgia a little bit blonde hair and so, uh

And so lianna will call her and say hey, we're going out of town for the month if you want our apartment's open We're going to go back to georgia come out here use our apartment You birth sisters are down the street and you know All I ask is you watch the pets still tight with Amy. No, I haven't talked to her in nine years. Why? I don't know. I just I think people get famous and they just is that what it was was a disagreement No, was I mean, this is the person that slept in the house. Yeah. Yeah, I had a relationship with your wife Really really close relationship with your children and everything boy from a come-out her and a boy from a come-over for dinner Anthony

I know the one before that. Okay, and so So who we have the sick hamster? You got to give a shot to in order to give a shot to the hamster You got to take its skin pinch it and that area you pinch you put it in the pinched area And so it doesn't Doesn't anyway, Amy gives it a shot And it's in the spine It leaves a note on the table the girls can't read just note on the table hamster dead

Calls me. Hey, I think I fucking killed your hamster. I'm so sorry. We're like no, it's totally fine You know, it's not is it totally get it. It was a complicated hamster that you got the diabetes You had to give it shots. We got it. It was not going to live forever. So we take the hamster down We're living in an apartment. We could find a little patch of grass Where we had buried uh other fish like, you know, so we go to bury the hamster and we go um and liant the girls are old enough and liant says uh It's time to say goodbye to Cinderella and they go where's Cinderella going? And we're like, oh Cinderella's going to heaven and they're like

Wait, what's heaven? And we're like, well Cinderella's died and she's going to heaven And Ila goes, do I know anything else that's died? And liant goes actually yes She goes, remember our cat Mufasa? And Ila goes, yeah, she goes Mufasa died And Ila and Georgia goes, wait, wait, wait, Mufasa's at the at the hospital with grandpa Lans, I got grandpa's dead too Girls, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, was grandma dead? Like grandma's dead, everyone's dead All these people that you thought were at the hospital, they're all fucking dead and they melt down. They're like, they're like, how many things do we know that are dead?

And we're like, a lot of things are dead girls And they have that realization Yeah, Amy was I used to be good friends with Amy, uh, you know You met back in new york and your Boston comedy. We did a we did a show together for Uh for Comedy Central Comedy Central called reality bites back me her tiffani haddish the ovan chris fairbanks red grant donnell ralands mo mandel uh kyle cease

And who am I fucking forgetting? Jeff Garcia was in it And then one more there's one more that i'm forgetting. I apologize. What was the show about it was it was we took every episode we We did a It was a reality show but every episode parodied another reality show in a comedic way So like remember the show you think you could dance so you think you can dance Well, we did so you think you could dive and so we did a diving competition That was like a mashup of the dancing we did uh the bachelor, but we did it with our moms, you know

Like it was like they parodied it parodied everything It was interesting because it paid a lot of money I want to say it paid like eight grand an episode or ten grand an episode And we all got excited But then when we got there we realized if you got kicked off you no longer made the money per episode So it got oddly competitive so very quickly like

That very first episode everyone stopped being friendly and started competing except for like a handful of us like uh donnell red amy me Um like a smaller group. I think theo none of us got competitive. We are all just chill. We're all hanging out And uh and she was great, man. I remember I was in Portland one weekend and she walked up on stage Uh, just she was doing a theater. She was doing like the big theater. I guess I'm doing it this weekend but she came in

And uh hopped up on stage with me and then we ended up partying at the strip club next door going back to my hotel room Me her mark norman my feature A couple people we met at the club Jeff will wills from live nation and we all partied my hotel room and then I met her at the airport the next day that was a sunday night We all met at the airport on monday morning and we drank at the airport flew back to la She was great, man. I think you just get so famous that I don't know that I don't know

I really don't know. I just haven't talked to her to a guy like me. There's no explanation to it Yeah, but you broke bread with me at one time. Listen. We can't be Super tight. Yeah, but there's gotta be that twice a year call You know in my world in my world even if it got that busy where your phone. Yeah, but that's us That's us like I don't none of us. I mean, I think of how Think of how big joe is I texted with joe

All morning. I maybe 20 tweets texts back and forth to each other and that's joe. He's he's also got fucking elon musk on the podcast With with fucking Kanye west. He's one of the biggest But we all text to each other all non-stop. I think that's us now is different, you know, like No, no, this is I don't know. This is a story that I've heard 200 times from 200 different comics about 200 comics that have made it That one time they were tight and one day the phone didn't start ringing to that problem. Williams gave all his friends 5000 and said lose my number That that blows me away when someone says, uh

You go him and uh, let me get your number. I'll give you text and they're like, uh, you know what call my assistant and you're like, huh? Yeah, and you're like, I'm sorry assistant. I don't need to talk. You know, yeah, I'm like, no, man There's the people that I put on the podcast And they've contacted me and said when you can you do my podcast? I'll say tomorrow. I'm like, okay My assistant I'll go now stop right there. Yeah when I put you on my podcast and they do not like People having the system want their assistant to do everything. I can't stand that shit I can't it doesn't fly. I only fuck with the comics like my friends Like friends are guys I could call and it's not uncomfortable

You know, if you make me feel uncomfortable about call I call big jay this morning because he got trapped in an elevator And he has footage of it Dude, big jay got caught in an elevator last night at serious xm I don't know for how long but they I saw the instagram post and they had a camera viewing Filming the whole time and it's with a bunch of strangers and I texted jerry. I knew that whole footage But like bill burr, I can call I could just call him and be like, hey, man What are you doing tonight? Like that there are a couple guys that I know that aren't like that

I did just and that's cool, but I'm you're not gonna be my friend, you know if you if Any more I mean maybe when I was younger and I thought I needed people To help me get forward in the business, you know, but I'm not like that if you're my friend, you know where I live You you've probably been to my house. You've probably been to one of my parties You've definitely seen me black out and you've definitely seen gotten inappropriate texts from me, you know It's crazy. Probably the first friend I had in this business was sagura. I remember I remember I remember not to get like nostalgic, but when I when

When I had that fallen out with that one comic, you know that kind of mean we had a fallen out and I was doing The desk quad chronicles or ice house chronicles and me and you were getting coffee all the time And I remember one night. I'm at the I'm at the ice house and I'm getting ready to go on stage We just done the ice house chronicles and Tom had said to me hey, man, you need to like open up like, you know Joey's a great guy or he's a great guy. Joe's a great guy. They don't you know Like they're all trying to like they're all trying to reach out to you and connect, but you're really distant I had a thing where I was like, I don't I didn't trust anyone at that point. I just didn't trust people

I didn't trust people and I was like, I don't need friends. I'll just this is work I don't need friends. This is work and Joe came up to me at the ice house He had a shot of a jack and a beer and two beers two shots of jack and two beers I'm getting ready to go on stage. I just got high I'm a little buzzed and he gives me the shot and he goes Hey, you're a really good guy and we're all trying to be your friend and I was like Cool. I'm just shut off. I'm like, cool. He goes. No, I don't think you're hearing me Like we're all trying to be your friend and you just let us be your friend

You know, we could all be friends and I was like, okay, and he goes, you understand what I'm saying like Me, Joey, Ari, Tommy, we're all trying to be your friend Let us be your friend. Yeah, lighten up and I was and and everyone knew that I was shut off You knew it because you were like, hey, we're having coffee every day for every morning for a month As long as you're in town every morning. We meet for coffee. I took that shot I got my uber to go home that night and I thought I really thought about it driving back from Pasadena go I'm you know, you're a little high on that ride because you're buzzed and I was like, I don't really have Even Tom wasn't my friend anymore. I shut everyone off

And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna be Vulnerable and let people be my friend and you were you were the very first one where we where I told you I was now going to therapy and you're like, fuck that cocksucker Every morning Maria see me and you and me and you hung out every single morning for the entire month of October Leading up to November 3rd. So on November 3rd. I had a birthday party that you guys all came to I was turning 40 I was 39 years old and every morning we had coffee and I was like And I remember someone saying I was leaving because all the parents from our school were there and they who you are That's my friend, uh, Joey and then I was like, I just called someone my friend

And then Joe's like, hey, why don't you come out to my daughter's birthday? I came out there Tommy's like, hey, man, we need to start hanging out more and I was like, yeah And then Ari's like, hey, we should do a trip together and Leigh Ann's like you you need that And it all of a sudden I just opened myself up to having friends too. It's it changed my life It changed my life entirely and so when I now when I look at things like when I look with Amy I don't have anything negative to say about her. I'm not I'm not a madder But like I I don't know I I'm not probably ever gonna be a friend You know because I look at it and I go I want people that

We're cool for good like I can fuck up and you're still gonna like me I can I can say the wrong thing and you're not gonna like judge me You know, I've said fucking horrific shit to bill burr where he just goes That's burt, you know It's so funny You know, I just I guess you get older in this business and you go Like big j texted me not to out big j like a year ago. He texted me. He goes. I'm so glad we're becoming friends You know, like it really means a lot. I think you're a really funny guy and you're fun to be around

Dude, I flew into last time I flew into New york I was supposed to fly him monday and big j texted me. He goes. Hey, if you fly in sunday We go to my buddy Wayne's house and we watch internet videos and just get high if you want And I was like, I'm flying this sunday. I'm gonna hang out with big j and it was fucking beautiful It's the best thing man. So it's so nice. Do you remember the time one of my favorite memories of you ever? Do you remember the time it was like it was a fall night is a fall evening You guys said mercy was maybe like one maybe two

And you called me up. You're like, what are you doing? I said, I'm sitting in my front You are with the girls having a glass of wine you go I'll be over in five You and terry came over with mercy me and you sat in those Adirondacks and all the girls played on blankets I smoked a cigar and we had a glass one and it was like fuck yet. I'm so glad I have friends Fuck it's so meaningful. Listen. There's acquaintances There's friends then you have your brothers Then you have your comedy brothers. Yeah, your comedy brothers are very important. Yeah can't turn on them

You can't have any animosity towards them. You really have to be happy for them and you're not gonna have 20 of them You're not gonna have 20 of them. You're lucky if you have three or four of them Yeah, you know, it's like I told you when you came in before the podcast I told you in front of your father. I looked at you torn. I'm concerned. Yeah, just a little concerned You know, I know you're gonna make money and I'm gonna make money. That's that's not my concern My concern of those two little girls at your house. Yeah, follow me. I want you to think big picture Everything is a big picture. You need that in comedy Myself and Joe Rogan height nothing bothers me more when people

Ask me for something for Joe Rogan Because they do not understand the reason why we've stayed friends is because I've never gone over that line there's a line in hollywood and since People do it to us all the time When one of our own try to do it to us It cuts like a knife. Yeah You know, I had a situation last week where I contacted somebody and I said I want to do something And next thing you know, I'm headlining their show

And I'm like I was doing it for free And you put my picture on the thing Can't do that. You can't treachery The people around you you can't you have to be friend, you know Comedy needs that you need that with comedy. You have to be able to call me on saturday. Oh, hey man Can I talk to you about something? I'm at this club with this manager And he told me last night I didn't sell out but the whole back people were standing And you know, you need that. Yeah, I had Ralphie for years. Oh, yeah, Ralphie every saturday

No matter where he was I got a call from Ralphie at eight o'clock wherever he was And we talked for 10 15 minutes and that was my therapy for the week I knew I couldn't have him any more than that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah I mean Ralphie got huge. He never threw me out to the dogs No, Ralphie as big as Ralphie got man. He called me up. Go. I just made some barbecue sauce player Why don't we get the families together? Just come over You know an hour late Look at Ralphie paid for Mercy's crib

I still remember calling him one time with a flat tire Just going I just don't have the 30 bucks. Yeah, and he goes where are you and I go I'm over here and he goes Sit tight and next you know a tow truck came Took it to Firestone and when I picked it up there was four new tires And he did an alignment long. He was like in Alabama Yeah, you know and and they never mentioned it to anybody. He didn't say it on the podcast. He didn't embarrass me That's what comedy friends do especially when one lifts One of us is always gonna let one of us is doomed to be Kevin Hart and I say doomed

I say doomed one of us is gonna be doomed to be Amy Schumer One of us might be doomed to be Louis CK. I'm not talking about sexual references or anything I'm talking about a comic with a target on your back Difference that's what happens between being a comic and there's a difference between being a comic with a target on your back Man, I don't think I don't think anyone's had a big maybe Louis target right now But Amy's target was gigantic Carlos Mencius was huge All the the only comic who made it out alive was Seinfeld Yeah, like he's the only one that went out to the sunset still making 53 million a year

Still doing what he does every year, but when you have that when you it's like being the mob boss You're a mob boss. Yeah, no matter what Lee does your response before When you have that target on your back, I never got into this business to have that target on my back I'll be very comfortable staying right under the radar. Right. Let me do theaters this size for like two more years I'll be cool. And if I go back to clubs, I'm very cool with that. That's why I said to you about the garden I don't know. Yeah, I didn't think about it that way. I didn't think about it that way I'm thinking about the whole experience Yeah, well, it doesn't really matter where we sit Lee because we're gonna be watching him on the monitor

I don't like that sentence Yeah, I don't like that sentence those tickets are 160 dollars. I'm not talking about Sebastian. I'm talking about anybody in general I will wish only the best for Sebastian I always think Of that brick wall That's what comedy is about Yeah, and somewhere along the line, we tricked it the agents tricked it. It became more about money Again, the reason why you became a comic job

Bert was not to have a day job When you go on these long tours it becomes I never want you to For it to be a job. I thought at the comics Keep your fucking nut low because someday your number's gonna go low. Now you're gonna have to go out There's a big difference then going out and having to go out When I have to go out I saw what I saw it with Bobby Slate With that big house in the mountain It went from him going out and having a great time and drinking

To going out to keep the lights on the house That's not good. That's a job So it's always great to have friends And comic friends. I want the friends I have I like Joe because Joe told me when I'm slipping I do the same for Joe. Yeah, Joe and I come from complete two different backgrounds We both have the same passion for stand-up That's why me and Joe friends because we both

Respect it. We respect it. You know, I've learned how much have we learned from Joe? How lucky to have a guy like Joe. Yeah, you know, I was the one that told him about Sunday I remember when he had the baby and I said to him that Sunday should ain't gonna work. Fuck you Because there's nothing like fucking family Dinner on Sunday and I started doing it When I was dating Terry remember the first three years I did it Terry I'd come back new years evening and I'd do the comedy store and I'd see you that night And then a week later I was back on the road again with no

Whatever who cares when I was coming home and one day I got home I think three or four years into it. I worked at Rocky the port in Dallas And that Sunday was the longest Sunday of my life that whole week Was just a long fucking week working with that guy telling me what to say and what not to say How to say it and then Sunday came and I never forget waking up that Sunday going That Monday morning and going this is the last Sunday. I will work again And I've never worked the Sunday since I was a feature act I was a feature act and I made up my mind

And before the podcast world started getting big the funny bones called me and made me an offer Wednesday through sunday 1500 no plane ticket And I remember calling them back and going I'll do all the weeks, but you got to omit sunday And they go well, then we'll give you 1200. I go well, I put a $400 plane ticket I'm walking with eight and I ain't selling t-shirts You think I'm gonna sit back there with the fucking glasses? I know And I said no, I rather not work, you know, you have to Stick to your decisions in this business

And once you go back, I don't even know how we got in this conversation. I really don't matter I'm getting the tail end of the reefer That's wrap this tomorrow fuck up. Yeah, when does the world tour start starts tomorrow in portland and it ended June 20 9th and fucking Siberia. Yeah, I think they were trying to get it to end in Moscow Really? Yeah, what happened? It's really hard to do business in russia Yeah, it's really hard I was like, yeah do it Moscow get a bunch of you to fly out do a small club So you ain't you're gonna end in brisbane

You're gonna have a huge audience in 10th planet in brisbane because the barkers live there Yeah, so I'll let frankie bark. I know you're coming. They'll bring you some fucking reefer Yep, they'll take good care of you. You're doing Minneapolis. You got green bay. I got Toronto, Ottawa city Indianapolis red bank, new jersey. Look at you. You sold out the first one Philadelphia, where you at in philly? Uh, I mean kez kezwick. I think kezwick kezwick just outside philly You're doing man. Tuck it do. Uh, no, I don't think so Carolina's maybe that's foxwoods bashing tuck it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah doing foxwoods Boston Boston charlotte north Carolina. Listen

Go to a fucking Bert Bert.com. Is that it? Bert Bert Bert.com. Okay, Bert Bert Bert.com. That's what your wife says Bert Bert Bert Yeah, there's you get they all those first shows sold out, but there's tickets available for most of the second shows So I'm happy you came out today, bro. I love you. I'm the luck. I'm at the Brea improv January 24th Through the 26th. That's all I got in january then february I got one night in treasure island in vegas the 22nd the 23rd I'm at the fox theater. I think in tusan and valentine's day

I'll see you cocksuckers up in san jose at original motherfucking joes like a doctor. All right. I want to thank Bert christian I want to thank the christ killer most importantly. I want to thank you guys for all the love and support that you give us Don't forget. I'll be at the brea improv january 24th through the 26th. I've put up my 56 and still slinging dick Post up a lot of you guys are getting tickets. Thank you very much for the support But don't forget The church what's happened now also has support and one of those companies is robin hood and I love them

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Go with my bookie you play you win You get paid like a motherfucker Another sponsor i want to thank is 23 and me 23 almost everybody is born with the ability like that jet Listen forget all that stuff. We now live in a world where we have access to data And they give us more personal insights On who we are where we are and where we came from I mean little things like how we sleep and how many steps we take a day

Shouldn't our health resolutions be customized also 23 and me allows you to go beyond the ancestry to access more personalized insights Based on your dna from health predispositions to lifestyle choices with the 23 and me health and ancestry crit You get over 90 reports on your health traits ancestry and more reports include lactose tolerance caffeine consumption muscle composition genetic weight report i mean listen i did it i found that i was from the upper Top of spain i'm west bank africa I got a little jewish in me. I got a little chinese in me. You know, this is interesting stuff

Okay, you can meet relatives on that. You can see where your cousins are through a timeline 23 and me has it all what i'm going to do is this buy your 23 and me health Ancestry kit today at 23 and me dot com slash church That's number two three and me Dot com slash church again That's 23 and me dot com slash church. I want to thank 23 and me I want to thank Robinhood and i want to thank my bookie for having our back and always being there for us

And most importantly you guys i love you at all my heart It's a pleasure and honor To be able to come here twice so we can talk to you fucking savages like i am your uncle because in reality I'm the best fucking uncle you got again. I want to thank burt I want to thank the christ killer my main man lisa yad who fucking destroyed last night in the commie store I want to give him his props garnet Even fucking hit me up this morning and said lee did very fucking well that he went to the store Just to see lee so i want to congratulate him

But most importantly i want to thank you guys for always having our backs Supporting my tours and listening to the podcast, you know, i'm sincere and i mean it from the heart without you guys I got no god so do me a favor Enjoy the podcast have a great weekend and we'll see you monday morning tip top magoo Ready to fucking go all right kick this fucking mule lee Oh You want my love and you can't deny You know it's true, but you try to

Yeah You turn down love like it's really bad You can't eat what you never had Yeah Well, I've left your soul you're looking for the food I know the truth not so do you You can't hide I bet you can't

Bet you can't hide love Can't hide love well, I bet you You can't pretend there's nothing there Girl i'm looking your eyes see you can't Yeah So why not stop try to run and hide You won't find out if you never try I

You want my love well, I bet you Yeah Love is about the time What can I say? Yeah Can you find the time To listen Life's about the time

For you Yeah Anybody Oh Oh Oh