Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #649 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: January 14, 2019

Agostino Zoida, a comedian, writer and host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Squarespace - start your free trial today. When you're ready to build your website go to www.squarespace.com/church for 10% off your first domain or website.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/13/2019.
  

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It's some motherfucking basis Be Agostino Zoyder My main the Christkiller And America's Uncle Joey D in the fucking house ready to rock on a Monday morning You're thinking fuck I got no energy today. Well, guess who's here. It's not the queer. You know what I'm saying hit it Kick that mule Lee I'm gonna teach you how to sing

Listen to me, baby. That's all you gotta do. Oh shit Monday morning, you're sitting there thinking what the fuck is my next step. Listen Everybody had a hard week last week that going a week that we go to work after two weeks of confusion Thursday and Christmas. It's a motherfuckers. Have you had a rough week last week? Guess what? I had a hell of a fucking week last week by Friday. I was just burnt the fuck out. I was just burnt out mentally emotionally Psychologically, I went to fucking acupuncture and thank God for Chinese people before Jesus walked the earth He put me back. He put 2,000 needles in me. I went home. I drank water. I woke up son Saturday morning at the Capis I thought I had to wear a gas mask in there. It's not like fucking Korea

From you know when they make the bombs your shit in Korea I thought it was gonna die that motherfucker took all the toxins out of my body all the Maluk and I had a great day Saturday had a great day today and Monday is a beautiful day to be alive the Agostino. What's going on? What's up, man? How you doing the Agostino's the fucking host of the home school podcast? Why cuz he was home school That's true. Now. He's got problems. They wonder why And then you got this fucking move the law over here. How are you my friend? I'm doing beautiful You're looking good man. The Agostino reason I have you here is cuz

I'm proud of you. Thank you, you know people. I don't know what it is the last three or four years. I Just had a long conversation with a woman yesterday who Approach me as a marketing chick and Turned out to be a chick living in her car that needed money on Christmas Day and She said that she wants to be an actress and I told her it's a long way to the top Yeah, on a rock and roll and

really just I Could tell the crowd she was hanging around with by listening to her Hmm. She said to me that a guy like me could give her a referral into an agency and that the agency would pay for your headshots And all that stuff and then they would put you on the fast track. I'm looking at this girl First I thought she was high on something. Yeah And I took your earbeat and something like that and then she became my Facebook friend and yesterday like I had to write a long Facebook message like

like she inferred to me that I Talked to friends doing projects and stuff like that and I go number one The great place the great thing about living in this town. It's it's a journey and Number two is I can't take your acting classes for you. I can't make those Situations for you when you're uncomfortable when you learn how to audition, you know I wouldn't send somebody off the street to audition unless they fit the part sometimes It's better just to get a regular Joe for three or four lines to give that scene authenticity

But in my world here in SAG, there's a lot of actors that are trying to work I can't see that happening anymore. You know, I know people with tremendous resumes That aren't fucking working and there's more TV than ever, you know, everybody's making original fucking entertainment But nobody's working, but that's not the Situation here. I saw you First of all, I'm watching Leeds progress. Okay at the same time the last couple years. I I've been watching you, you know Three or four. I met you nine years ago. Yeah, we're young kid Haha

And you would put me up at night with no drama. Nobody would bother me tell me when to go there ten minutes later I was up. I'd walk out. There was no podcast. Nobody knew about a podcast then right? I was just working on Gabriel glacis thing and the whole fucking deal and After a few years of you working at the haha, which is a comedy club in North Hollywood That's been there since Jesus. Let's you got it. They recently moved to a new location. It's very nice and stuff And it's a great club. Whatever it feeds if it's a different need And the comedy store the life after the improv it has its complete different flavor Just how flappers has a complete different need when you walk into flappers

They don't have fucking Whitney Cummings there on a Tuesday night and and Sebastian and fucking 18 other killers, you know, they have Whitney Cummings doing a guest of the new stuff And that's it and comics you've never seen or heard from before I'm not putting them down anyway but I saw you You know work at the fucking thing and then you worked with you lived with the Arabian chick you were married to right right right with the CBD the OCD Touch glass you couldn't pee in the house Take your shoes off. You had a sit there. She'd spray Lysol on you every eight minutes shit. Where does the time go, man?

That was crazy. That was crazy. We went over there for Christmas to one year and yell at Lee and there's not gonna snow Lee get on a fucking plane. I'm with the girl. I'm gonna drunt. Oh, that's right. That's where it was. I made lasagna. Yeah, I Got sick You put that Lee meet in it Yeah, I mean Boston the girl I'm gonna marry I'm like Lee Gonna play him before I shoot you the girl You just met her four weeks She lived in the tent. That's exactly what you said to me. There I was there. That's why you got me yelling and screaming

Jesus because he goes I'm here in Boston showing the girl. I'm gonna marry that Nice home place. I don't give a fuck what you're showing her all you need to show is your dick and play Spanish music That's all you need to do get home and do the podcast But that was you were living with her. Yeah, then you got a divorced. Yeah, and then you hooked up with some fucking chick What is he doing? It's this guy retarded. He just got out and then you quit the haha. Yeah, which for people who don't know about this This is the biggest transition in your life It really is it's

Getting to a point in your life when you have to Tell somebody you have to move on Yeah, some people leave a note and never call you Some people But there's a day that you look at a job and you know, you know what man? I've done my time. I've been a loyal servant I'm gonna move on because

I've seen every comic come through here. I've asked every question Right. Yeah, that's every question. Yeah, you know, I work for the comic club And it was my life. You definitely learned a lot like my job. I had either a five. I was there to quarter to five Waiting for the comic to come in so I could ask him if he needed water and then I would ask him questions How's the road? Oh, it sucks man. Mm-hmm. I got four kids. I gotta pay child support So I'm also a school teacher So I got to get back on the con drive to the Mexico tonight. Damn and teach at school late in the morning You know, you talk to all these different type of comics you get to see it from a perspective that a lot of people don't see it

You're working it at a club You know on TV you see a guy for 20 minutes. He seems like a sweet guy. He's funny Meanwhile in between shows he's fucking Mine is up the air Heroin in the green room and if you open up the door, he'll get you fired man cuz he's one of those fucking guys We've seen it lately, huh? Yeah. Yeah, you know just a bunch of Just mischiefs and green rooms and shit so you quit this job and

It's funny I tell people this all the time and I did it. I did it for a long time that transition for me was 1994-95 I Was just starting to cover my nut with comedy what's covering my nut 800 a month. I Was pulling down 800 a month three four months in a row I would steal the loan more and bring it back or something Kmart. I always found ways to help supplement my income my comedy income, but in Boulder from like December of 94 to May of 94 I was between

800 and 900 a month just in 40s 50s and $100 bills Maybe a 200 one, you know, I'm saying yeah, that's how I made a living But at the same time I was still getting up and Selling cars that he used car dealer in East Colfax Trying to squeeze up $3,000 and I was there physically But I wasn't there mentally Like mentally I could not wait to get on the road. Yeah Like I was ready. I was killing in all these rooms. I was doing 20 minutes. I

Could either be like the rest of these guys and sit in this fucking Sir comedy fucking circuit or I could do something about it. I had a little fucking car That had everything you needed in there, you know And I'll never forget going to the no I didn't have to tell the boss I quit the car. They gave me as a demo blew up one day And I just left it there and he called me you fuck You cock sucker and I just never went back and damn and I became a professional comedian Was that in Colorado? This is in Colorado

And I'll never forget how scared I was And don't get me wrong. I always did something everywhere like on the triple runs I would bring back tents at Kmart, you know, this is not none to be embarrassed about this I'll broke you get that you start doing. You know, if I when I got to Seattle if I could sell coke I would sell Nate ball of coke. I didn't give a fuck. I was taking bets. I was doing whatever I had to supplement my comic income Because in the beginning of the month you all started zero That's a very scary thought. I work on commission. No, I'm no different than any of you two guys

At the beginning of the month I started zero Everything I bring in after that is cherries grapes Sometimes you bring home with cream, but every month I started zero We're not showing up to a job every day. We're not punching in you punch it anywhere you mm-hmm or you do But I get the reference it's just really weird that But in that time I've watched you grown as a comic like you even with this day job, which I know you need to sustain Yeah married or whatever Eventually one day you're gonna have to give up this day job. Sure. So I'm talking to the other day and I had heard it from Schubert. I

Had heard it from a couple people somebody mentioned to me at the store That you kill them on the rules one night the melee room or something like that. Okay, and then Schubert said that you were getting really good. Yeah, I Had a great week with him and I sat there and I thought to myself well Two years, you know when you keep When you tell somebody like when I tell when I When people come in here and they sit across from me and Lee's here and he's been doing comedy for a year And Lee gets little breaks from time to time at the store the main room here or that I Want we to understand and anybody else like if you're an electrician and you you start as an apprentice

The first year is murder The first year is the hardest fucking year of your life or And in reality, it's the easiest year of your life Yeah, because after that it gets really fucking hard and no matter what level you're at There's always gonna be resistance at that level Whether you work in the electricians, you know, let's say the electricians unit, right? you have to your

Let's say you start as a residential wireman That means you're you're an electrician's helper Well, basically that means that the electrician comes in and says to you today the Agostino I need this room wide So you need an outlet and you know the outlet for lights and then you're gonna hook up some type of panel and he leaves And basically he charges $48 an hour for that work But he pays you $8.50. Yeah. Yeah, and even though you're getting fucked in the ass. This is what it takes to be an apprentice

You got to pay your dues and then you get good at it You know you get good at it then one day the Union all sends you on a commercial job and you have to start bending pipe and making saddles and You ever go into a room and you look at an outlet and it's got pipe going and I think that pipe was bent That pipe came like that bent No, you got to get a pencil and do math and measure and bend the pipe just perfectly and Fucking install it. It's a lot of work when you do a bathroom. You got to use GFI outlets So if the electricity is plugged into your raise when it falls in the water the shock stops in the room

That's that's that set Yeah in the bathroom in the bathroom So but when you're an electrician after three like after 90 days, I was wiring houses and I'm a fucking idiot But I took a course from the the electricians The guy who did the inspections for the town so he taught me everything how to do in code So it was a three-month course and the project was at the end you had a wire house That was the final job So he would put me graduation. Yeah, he would put me and you in a fucking house that was under construction

And he would make his wire room And I did such a good job that one night that night on the walk back. He goes, hey You want I get your job electricians help in a mall. Just let me know and I go yeah make a corner Got me a job So they started figuring out that all the jobs I did by myself the guy would pass Because I was he was my size I was a student So that what they would always though the rumor was whatever that guy comes to do an inspection just leave Joey with Don't even be here because he would walk me through the inspection and look at things and go where'd you learn that?

Yeah, it was tremendous, but my point is that I had a pet and even though I Knew they were charging 40 to 50 an hour. I Was getting $9, you know, and they were making money off me my point being that Working is hard, but in every position you have to serve an apprenticeship and I've seen you do it Yeah, you know, I've seen them Dean Delray do it. You've been doing comedy longer than Dean. Yeah, that's crazy I was I brought up Dean the first time on stage. I didn't open Mike Yeah, and there's no time limit To getting exposure anymore. It used to be a lot longer than what it was than what it is now

Years ago, you had to come here and move to LA and get into one of the clubs and fucking Wait for HBO was Comedy Central one of them to give you a spot and once you got that type of exposure now You don't need that no more with the internet So people know what all three of you motherfuckers look like you know saying like yeah, they know what Everybody looks like what I Wanted to stress with this podcast and why I'm so proud of you is that You went from a guy you quit this job You went from hustling little gigs, you know

Again because of your marriage and whatever which I was against in the beginning because I wanted you to understand the concept of comedy Comedy when you go on stage you're by yourself Okay, I was watching the Sopranos last week and I was thinking about what a horrible life That you're hanging out with your friends, right? We're friends And we do everything together. We steal together We we rob trucks together one day like an old man approaches us and says hey man you and fucking chubby over here and

The fucking homeschooler have been making three four G's robbing trucks you're with me now And all of a sudden we start robbing trucks with this guy and he gives us fucking now We're robbing big-time trucks with $15,000 a piece And we're driving nice cars and shit and all of a sudden one day Lee gets a call that mean you gotta Go meet fucking George Perez and shoot him in the head and next you know They're taking us to a room and they put a needle in our finger and we're in the fucking Mafia And next thing you know, that's what we do me. You only are in the fucking Mafia And we're shooting people and we're gambling every night, but somewhere along the night one day you meet a girl

and You get married and one day Lee meets a girl and he gets married and one day I meet a girl and I get married and Now we start having kids. Well, guess what? You still gotta go out and shoot people. Yeah That's when it gets fucking weird When you still gotta go shoot people and come home and act like nothing happened and you got to sustain a house Like six seven eight G's a month plus the six you got to kick upstairs So to make this type of money you're booking you're selling heroin

But at the end of the day you're going to a nice house When you do comedy in the beginning It's great to do but It's harder to do with somebody at home Do you know the same? Yeah, that's what I was against your marriage. I like Jen. Yeah. No. Yeah, I just felt that If you were gonna do comedy if you quit the ha It was to do comedy

It wasn't to do anything else like go home to your mom and go mom. I'm renting out that closet I'm giving you 200 a month for the closet. I'll send it to you in the money order See you, you know, and I'm gonna go out on the road for a year and make my name for myself and Work these shitty fucking rooms and get ripped off and work for french fries and sleep in your car Then you come back here and you now when you go to the improv and they tell you they don't want you Who gives a fuck? I know I paid my dues. You know I'm saying so you need to come back for two or three months And you go back out there for another nine or ten and you live on the commando rules You know I'm saying very cheap

Veggie and cheese sandwiches in Subway You lose 30 40 pounds You work out at the hotels or no hotels or you bring weights for you in the trunk of your car I had a basketball in the trunk of my car frisbee. I had everything never to be bored When I first started coming, you know, I Didn't want Jen to go through that with you, you know, obviously you adjusted the game for yourself Yeah yourself a little day job He just kept nipping at the bud

Monday night you go to your boys room Tuesday night MMA roasted as a room Next thing you know, you're doing spots at the calmly store. Yeah, you're not a regular But you're still at the store. You're in the farm league, right exactly not playing for the Yankees But you're playing for their fucking farm team. Yeah, and it's really we how long have you been doing comedy for now? In February, it'll be 10 years this February February 4th Yeah, man, it well, I mean I got lucky with Jen's super understanding about everything but I never made The day job an excuse because I knew that that would be easy to do is to go

I'm tired when you get out of an eight-hour shift, you know, I Always make sure that I'm out even afterward. I mean I tell you all the time. I sometimes I don't go home I just go straight to whatever if I have a spot. I make sure I do two podcasts a week I mean, I realize that consistency is the fucking game to play. How do you know 30? Yes, you're there where You can't fuck around. Mm-hmm. You start at 30 you start realizing what makes sense and what doesn't you don't see the whole plane fleet field But you at least start to make sense. How has it been for you like with the day job and going out at nights? I mean, it's fucking rough. I mean some days I am tired, you know, it's exhausting But I mean I'm young. What am I gonna do? You know, I gotta do it now. I don't want to be doing it when I'm 50

I mean nice to meet you go out Four or five four or five and then always two podcasts a week and And you know, you I I'm starting to see people Telling me things like you're getting better like you told me I'm getting better Schubert Everyone's starting to tell me dude. You're getting funny. You're getting strong and it's really Nice to finally see it, you know when I did those shows with him in Arizona

There was eight shows that we did in five days and every single show at least one person came out from my podcast You know and it's finally great to start to get recognition because doing the podcast for like a year Or more is like you at one point I asked myself like what am I doing this for? You know you start to see like the numbers not really getting higher and then but I just got to keep going So like that little bit of like people tell me bro You're getting really fucking funny or people on Twitter going like all great podcasts. I started to go like, okay It just keeps me going like another year, you know, I tell people this is a game in 90 days When I was doing comedy it was a 90-day thing. I

Didn't know nothing beyond 90 days Nor did I want to know. Yeah, all I was worried about what this week is. I got a spot next week Yeah, Arizona. I got a spot the week after that and Spokane, you know, I didn't worry about that long distant Goal even though I had the goal where I wanted to be and where I wanted to end up I didn't think about it as much as the next 90 fucking days, you know And I still remember having a day job and doing comedy at night. That was rough Yeah, that was rough going home taking a shower was sometimes. Yeah sometimes and

Sometimes going right to the gig at eight and being the second comic up and then going home Yeah, you know or sometimes you rush all the way over there and you find your last and Then you fucking go home at two in the morning and then you follow It's you're all wired up from being on stage. You gotta try to fall asleep and if I was sleeping I do a whole thing all over again, you know, so when you did the thing with Schubert. Yeah Uh Somebody can approach you and said that if you put together something They might be able to get you into a festival, right the biggest prestigious festivals in the country known for comedy

Uh-huh. I've never been invited now. They want me to go. I've also never been invited When I was struggling nobody wanted to see me. Yeah, that's how it goes, right? And it's crazy how I thought about it last night when I called you up to be on the podcast I thought about those a I was very proud of you and be yeah People do things for the wrong reason sometimes There was a guy that came on this podcast a lot that I loved dearly till this day. I love dearly But I lost a piece of respect from when he told me he got rid of his podcast because it didn't do anything for his career That's what the biggest misnomer misnomer is with these things and

It bothers the fuck out of me I don't know how many nights I'm sat here and I'd be wielded Leon why he hasn't opened the If you open up a podcast school call it become the next Joe Rogan Yeah, it would be off the chain. See your phone wouldn't stop The fucking credit cards wouldn't stop pouring in, you know, it remember ten years ago You came out here and I've said this before because of SNL And you joined groundlings and probably Olympics and you did the whole eight year program

And you got discovered then they put you on a sketch show for Fox with six episodes and they cancel it shit You know, there's really no it's either SNL or go fuck your mother, you know, it's just like the wings With that shit, it's either SNL and go fuck your mother and they look for what 20 to 25 year olds on SNL After that, they're pretty much done, right? They look for young cats on there. So it's a short window. I Don't know why I was going with this But it still doesn't matter. It's like it's so weird how I just watched you Keep grinding it out. You didn't ask questions Jimmy Schubert told us you work. I throw you work. Obviously you're going to

San Jose with right Valentine's Day weekend It's just really weird and then the other day Lee said to me I came in and he goes, you know, I've been doing County for a year I did 480 sets the other day and I was very happy for Lee, but again, I'm one of those guys that I don't think this stuff I Live so much in the moment. I don't think about stuff as people are saying it to me. Mm-hmm. I think about stuff later I've noticed He's been on stage since October of 2016. I didn't forgot like five times fuck that Yeah, you did like five times. So you didn't want to tell me for a year. I'm really breaking this ball

I'm really breaking this balls people. I Know Lee sciat for I don't know how many years probably eight years Can't stick to nothing for ten days people ten days. I live this days. I want to cry He's the ten-day three-week guy and then something happens that the food didn't get delivered Remember the juicer remember when we went the juicer remember when the grudge match he looked he was so big He looked Chinese I'm Like that's Lee then he fucking showed up one day like he had AIDS his lips were sucked in

He's like, I'm on a juicer I've been living on fucking carrots and ginger and he would sit here with this green paste and Drinking in front of me with this look on his face like it was like I had to taste the tens different sperms and they're shaking up And he got really fucking skinny and then he snapped He met Paula. Do you remember? Yeah, of course He went nuts. There's a pointer. He lost a lot of weight. I don't wait on you sir I've lost it twice cuz then I lost weight go to his house now kettlebells that fucking juicer got more dust Then fuck his sister Teresa's you still got the juicer, bro. It's hidden. Yeah, it's hidden

Oh, yeah, every time I think about doing I think about him talking about it's like Rambo. He's got fucking camouflage on it trees He's hit fucking it's like got bombs and grenades between the toaster and the blender I'm saying that Lee Is from that generation that are like a lot of us we don't let the miracle happen You have to let that you have to put the time in to let the miracle happen, but Joey I Don't have five years. My father wants me to join the army then pack something and commit to it and Stick around till the miracle happens. You'd be surprised

You'd be surprised. I don't care if you work at footlock and you're like, you know what? But I got a college degree in marketing and business is the best I could get is a sales job at footlock. Okay Going there with the intention of taking over the company Going there with a simple goal, you know take over the company But what does that mean? Okay, that means that the first six months next year when you get the job You're the salesman of the month Then they make your sister managing you still the salesman a month Then they make you managing your sales on the month

Then what's the next move district manager now? You're telling fucking people how to how to run four stores and how to use different sale techniques and how to It all starts somewhere. We don't believe in that no more We believe in the system that we go to college get the diploma and we want to go right to that position And I wish it was like that, but I see a guy like you and for example Lee That Lee has been in some dives that it bothers me But I understand he needs to do there's nothing I could do about I can't do the work for you If you look at a fucking any when you're in the fourth grade, how much do you hate that math teacher?

Because remember you would come home and go in the kitchen Start a conversation with your father about Germany or something that he was interested in and then start hitting them with stupid fucking questions What's 21 and 40s? He would give it to you write it down What's fine? Then you get the answers from him the next day the teacher would say where's to show me the work Where's the what come there's not a one over the eight? Yeah, you just wrote the answer. Yeah, because I erased it. Well, go home. Go do it again When you first did times table. Yeah, you had to do the work here to add to zero. Oh, I mean, I get so frustrated

Exactly. Yeah, that all that show me the work frustrates everybody. Yeah, that's why people either get in or get the fuck I fucking hated it. We've seen in the last year. We've heard People angry at me that they wanted help They've made they did podcasts. They did videos There's not that you can't help somebody I could point you in the right direction and tell you the steps Yeah, but I can't give you the best gift Anybody could give you and that's patience Do you want me to sit here and tell you I had patience and be a fucking hypocrite

Every 90 days I'd go on a coke Benz and cry You know, this guy was going to Montreal this guy booked the movie This guy signed with I see a a this guy signed with ICM. Yeah, and here I am with the coloring book talent agency You know and and you catch yourself doing it and you go like I shouldn't be not it's not even jealousy But I shouldn't be like worried about what that guy got and I didn't you know that you're doing it when you're doing it You know, you shouldn't do it once you see how much time your mind is taking on that stupid energy Yeah, you realize that that energy should be focused and you make yourself better I mean, it's such a human reaction though is to go like man. I'm sitting here watching people fly by. Oh

No, no, and that's the problem. You don't know what time You don't know what time all I want you to do is know that When that time comes you better be covered Joey, what are you saying? What? You've been working for an electrician's helper for four fucking years You've been late three times one day you missed because your sister-in-law got hit by a car But besides that you're always on time. You're always the last one to go, you know, there's four different apprentices Yeah, first one and last one out. You're the best apprentice. They got you're trusted. They give you a truck some nights

You bend pipe you install fucking power on the pole you can start from A to Z You're ready to become an electrician all you're doing is you need more man hours and you probably need to take a Like a written test. Mm-hmm because you after two years as an electrician as a helper you become a residential wireman That means I could leave you on your alone to wire house That means you can get some dough 16 an hour 15 an hour 1715 an hour. It's not a bad living guys Especially if you're union if you're union. Oh, and then a year in the apprentice program Because with the union you have to take a certain amount of classes every week

But once you take those classes Still you have to put in the mad hours So once you have enough hours like I might be I'm doing jujitsu five six years now. I'm terrible I'm fucking terrible But there might be a guy that's been doing jujitsu for two years And he's just sensational If I focus on him

I'll lose my jujitsu game when I look at people's belts when I roll with them. I fucking lose mentally It's the same thing with comedy, you know And what what you did? I mean, I'm really fucking blown away the agustina. I'm really blown away And even li I'm really blown away Especially li Like I said, he can't do nothing straight for two weeks bronchitis

Slim by this his mother's coming to town But you know what he looks at it. He understands it You know, I'm happy. This is his first year, but good luck. Yeah, I'll see you in eight years Then come talk to me and let me know what you think, you know, what's funny I've never really been fucking captain commitment either, you know, like I just I was homeschooled. So all you're talking about is with with the math and stuff I was doing it with my mom in the kitchen. That's where we did the school And then you got to leave the table and go do homework by yourself

And then when you're doing the working to bring it back to your mom and I mean, I Imagine a lot of kids that go to public school. You were going to school because your parents pushed you or society pushes you No one was like really pushing me in my household And when you do homeschooled, you're like you got it. It's up to you to do it. I wouldn't do it I just what I just fucking wouldn't do it. I hated school And there came like a point where my dad had like a really bad surgery He lost his kidney when I was when I was like a really really young teenager

And so my he was in the hospital all the time my mom was taking care of him No one was pushing me to do school and I just fucking stopped I I just wouldn't do it. I went like grades missed So then I towards the end when people started to pay attention to me again I had to like make up for so much back work You know, and then I didn't go to college. I went and just did like jobs right away Uh, you know jobs at the mall whatever jobs I can find but I always quit to do that job I was quick to do I get sick of stuff really quick

But stand up is the only thing that I did with me pushing me you know Like that that was everything else someone had to tell me to go do it But stand up. I like I don't know it's 10 years like the longest I've done anything straight I had a problem where if I didn't like it if I didn't enjoy it like even in school Like I liked history in English. I would do well in those classes But math and stuff Like my mom would was on me. So if I didn't get at least a b

I'd get in trouble or something. So like I would work hard and work hard enough to get a b But that was about it But if I enjoy it like would stand up then for I don't know I I think it's and that's that's what life is is working hard at something that you don't like But stand but that's my problem standups got failing too But it's what do you like it if you like something you just like something you like it's good And you like it's bad stage quickly. Yeah, like it even if it's only one day

Bombing don't bother the gratification's a little quicker like you just you just learn It's just a learning experience I feel really bad And I've said this before on the podcast when I meet you. Let me get that tissue paper on it. You spitting it already Don't give a fuck. Okay. I don't mind a little judey and I Judey and a is good for you. You understand I hate when I see anybody quit anything. Yeah Because I quit so many things

Growing up till I quit the bass. I quit the guitar You know, uh, like I said before I've had every job. I had every opportunity If I wanted to do it, I could do it if I would just say, oh, that looks interesting I used to be one of those assholes Oh, that looks interesting But once they make you do it You like this sucks. Yeah, like before the movie cocktail came out. I just like what my mom did It looked like it was easy bartending. You know easy as it looks. Yeah, it looks fun. It looks fun

It looks fun. If you're at the right bar and everybody's doing blowing to fuck with each other in the end That's what you see in Carlitos way, right? Yeah, bartenders are dancing and shit like that. I've worked at those bars. Yeah That's not a real reality. Right, you know, and uh It's number one The first time you get on the first thought That stand up. I mean stand up that stand up must be for you What what when was it because I know one thing for sure And this is when I know people are real

When they were a student of the game My Tyson is fucking retarded and I hate to say that not to mention he got hit in the head 10,000 times If I sit my Tyson here And talk to him about fights We could sit here for 10 hours and he'll point to me To every classic fight. He knows every classic fight all the way back to the 1900s even in England You know because they become students of the game

Explain to me how Comedy came into your life Was dain cook one of your early influence. Yeah, absolutely with the mirror jumping up and down You know what? Um, I was a a giant fan of stand up before I ever even thought I would ever do it Um, I just my dad was really into jujitsu and all that shit like that and try to get me into it I was really just more into comedy watching it There was not really specials back then but you can go buy like a vhs tape of comics, you know, and I would just That's what I would do. I go get cds

And then it I remember Um, dain cook was the one that kind of made stand up popular again Like all of a sudden my friends were telling me about stand up I've been telling you guys about it for years and now you want to tell me about now. Who are you turning on at first? Bro, I was listening to Bill Cosby. Okay when I was a kid I feel guilty now a little bit. No, like a little party you like I was a fan of a child rapist. I don't feel guilty. I feel really bizarre about it I get mad at lethal this day because I'll never forget the day he told me was he how much he paid

I think it was pre paula It was when ashley was here the girl living on my couch. I wanted I want to go see him in serrido I didn't like him after 92. Yeah way before the rape charges. I didn't like him since 94 Since the colorado for the way that well, he was obviously a fucking mr. Hippocrates, you know, I mean, yeah Not to interrupt you. So it was Cosby first. I'd say Cosby. Yeah Is it one of the first hours I watched watched watched and then was it was it the one with the the dentist Bill Cosby himself. Yeah, that's that was in 1982. What was it on? What was it on? It came on

It was like on an hbo special they aired it on like hbo were showtime You heard about stand-up at the time. Did your friends say Did you watch the stand-up comedian and you when I was 11? I went to a comedy club and uh, where at the ha ha at the ha ha and uh The stage was on the other side and I wasn't allowed to be in there not really But you know how the ha ha works. Oh, you're here with your mom and dad. It's fine. You know and I went in there and uh I don't know what I was walking into. I knew of stand-up

I never really saw it before and then I walked in there and it was it was a black knight There's a pretty heavy heavy black comics. What year do you think this was if I was 11 then uh fuck 99 yeah 99 2000 yeah, and um a lot of black comics in there just really fucking funny One guy he's not I don't even think he's a stand-up anymore He uh, he worked with my dad. My dad was a telemarketer at the daily news And that guy worked there and he invited my dad to the show That's why I went and I went to go watch my dad's co-worker and he fucking did this when the r kelly hot and fresh out the kitchen

Song was was hot He did like a whole parody on it and like today if I see you doing music now that I know about stand-up I'll fucking walk out of the room But at the time I was like this is like a whole new world of stand-up And I just uh and then I watched the bill Cosby thing and then my family would watch uh the george lopez We were talking about earlier the why you crying we I watched that with my fan. I would watch stand-up with my family I always loved comedy movies I'm a fucking big sitcom guy, you know

I'd watch everybody was right with my parents and I found out Ray Romano did stand up and I was like Oh, shit. I had his album live at carney hall um And then I remember I started to go the only public school type thing I did was was catholic school when You get your not communion, but confirmation I started to go and then uh One day in the confirmation we had like a retreat where everybody had to like do something

Yeah, everybody we had like a retreat it was all we were like 14 We all had to do something and I didn't have anything to do no talent something like that and I went up there I remember one bill Cosby joke and I went up there and told the bill Cosby joke And I said it like it was mine, you know because I'm like none of these kids are gonna know the fucking bill Cosby's jokes So I did that And then I then I started to think like maybe I could do stand-up and when I was maybe 16 I still got the notebook. I wrote I wrote an act Never performed it

Never once but I wrote like ideas I wrote like an act like about like my nieces and nephews and jokes about my mom and stuff like that And then uh, I used to go for walks as like I said I was homeschooled I didn't have too many friends besides the kids in my neighborhood And I walked down to their house and while I would walk I would listen to my walkman And I had one of the dang cook CDs at the time when he was hot And I remember That first track where it goes track one where it's like ladies and gentlemen joey Diaz and the crowd was like

You know track one when you always hear that But dang cooks album they kept going like give it up for dang cook and I just kept hitting repeat repeat repeat I kept getting like Like anxiety and and and like like a high from hearing the audience cheer for you, you know And I just thought like I'd say I want to fucking do it and I kept telling myself I want to do it I then like some family members and some friends started to encourage me And then I finally did when I was 20

I was working some mall job and they laid me off and I got unemployment And I was like well, I'm gonna try to do stand-up while I'm on unemployment And uh, you went for a no for I went to the the improv of mike Because at that time I started going to after I turned 18 I would go to any 18 and over show And the improv had the early shows were 18 and over the late shows are 21 and over So I would go to the early shows and I started going to improv a lot and I would watch all those guys I remember being there one night and it was like when they were filming the movie funny people

remember with Adam Sandler and all those guys And uh, I went down there one night and everybody from that movie came down there to work on stand-up And they're not even stand-ups. Jonah Hill went on stage Seth Rogen went on stage And then they and then they put on like real comics I remember like Ben Morrison was there and like fucking Greg Wilson and Richard Rahnovich All those guys like closed out the show and I just remember thinking myself like man, I always like imagine that's me I'm just gonna fucking do it. I picked I asked to open my wins your open mic They improv asked someone's open mic. They go Tuesday nights

I went down there and I signed up. I was 20 years old and I never stopped You got on Yeah, now you know, it's like rare to get on there It was a raffle back then too, but I didn't know that I thought you sign up and everybody got up Because I got up the first time so the second time I went back is when I found out that it was by chance Very very green to the situation of how it worked And how long did now what were you doing for work at that? Do you want? I was still on unemployment living at home

Yeah, I was still living at home And what did you think the fact that you got up stage for the first time it felt so good It felt really really good like I thought I thought I did better than I actually did Because I was more happy that I actually did it was more impressed with myself that I did had the courage to do it So the second time I went back I thought I'm gonna do great tonight too when I ate a bag of dicks my second time My second time they just fucking stared at me Where was your second time same place? improv

and then And then I After that I started going on like craigslist to look for shows I went on craigslist and I like you know all these guys that run bringer rooms will put ads on craigslist like hey I'll book you at the comedy store And I of course you're a fucking kid and you're like oh I'll answer this ad, but it's really just a way to get bringers Um, which I didn't give a shit I mean I brought people when you're new you fucking bring people to get on stage

And uh, so that's what I did this guy named uh fucking forget something gold joey gold from the york guy Booked me on like a belly room show Then I met somebody else to book me on this show And then I went over to the ha ha open mic one day and that's how I started there How long before you started working there? um Maybe a year and a half after you started going there regularly for the open mic Yeah, because it used to be run by eric alegría was one of the guys pretty much booking the shows there and and riko

And then I started to go with open mics and became close with those friends And then they would put me on their tuesday night show Tuesday night was like when you know adam hunter would go by and darin car would go by and they give him 10 minutes And then like they throw a guy like me on for five and they started giving me then eventually You know I got tight with jack just because I was always bringing a lot of people And I was always there every single day for the open mics and then uh Shit just happened they go you want to do your own show and I was like sure that's how it starts You do your own show that turns into you fucking work in there

Then you can't bring people no more because all your friends foot and saw you already Now it's like okay. Well we'll text these phone numbers And invite people for free tickets to come out and then you'll get five minutes on the stage. Okay, cool You know your dj for spots. What a whole science like having a club giving away tickets I know when I got here the comedy store had a room upstairs next to pauli's office And it was five phones and the guy that ran this was ends mitchell Who is now the owner of that club on pico?

The black club on pico. Oh really the union the union ends mitchell was a good guy fair And it was me shame attach And the guy that was dating kelly cursed and I just see online. I forget what his name was maybe two of us And our job was just to call businesses every day. Hi My name is joey deism in the comedy store I don't know if you've heard legendary comedy store on the sunset strip

Is where prior kindness and dice started to career the reason why i'm calling you before you hang up Is we do a promotional night once a month And uh, we picked your business is one of the businesses Yeah, we have one ten tickets. Yeah, we want to know if april 23rd will work for you Oh my god, I won ten tickets to the comedy store Well, that's someone to the comedy store. I didn't remember if he was there. You got him. Yeah Yeah, and then we would and in the next month, but they get a call again. They go wait a minute. Oh, yeah I keep winning

Yeah, oh, you know either you would call them and I got so good that I just became friends with most of these people Yeah, yeah So they would call me when they wanted tickets, right? Yeah, that's how yeah all the time People always want a free ticket on this sunset strip. I mean for christ sakes. It's 30 bucks That's parking, you know, right parking But there was two scams going on at the store There was the phone scam And they just paid you a flat rate

But there was also the card scam Which was two for one tickets And if you were a comic and you put your name behind it, you got a dollar for each ticket at the end of the week So this time of the year bold year like from the 26th on I would drive my car to universal pay like seven bucks in those days to park And I would get in the middle of universal by the fountain. Yes, and I would just give away 200 tickets With your signature on and I would get there at night. They'd be 60 people. Wow Yeah, it was crazy because they fuck who doesn't want to that's a pretty good turnout

Yeah, who doesn't want to listen this I did it all like when I worked in new york, I worked through a place the comic strip you went in there Oh, you want to be an open mic or fine? Grab a pen And they give you tickets They'd give you physical tickets and you'd have to sell them by the block So it was 10 blocks Uh eight eight tickets in each block

It was 80 dollars and you kept 40 of it It was the creepiest thing, yeah So the first couple days I latched on with the other comics That would stand online for the open mic and I would fucking sell Those things door to door in Manhattan. I just go into businesses And it worked for about two weeks Then one night I got coked up when I spent the 80 dollars And I never went back I was embarrassed, but it's just amazing the things they make you do

In the beginning for you to become your comic and you're not selling your soul. It's something that it's also paying dues Listen, it's paying your dues everywhere. You know Way before that I worked at wit's end It was a club in west mr. Colorado when I first started At first I started as security as a doorman And then I started a security cedar and then they made me a dj And I used to be the security the cedar and the fucking dj

And they think I think they gave me like a dollar raise And that's what you know, I mean I was never home. I was there from tuesday to sunday. Yeah And I had a roofing job in the daytime From fucking six to three in the afternoon So I was putting in the hours jack. Yeah, but I asked all the questions I had to It took me from like february. It took me to july to get on stage And once I got on stage, they pretty much fired me. They didn't want me there no more Because they were like you want to do stand-up. We can't you know, because I asked them. Let me do guess sets

Yeah, like no, this is what we were scared of We don't want the dj to do stand-up. We shouldn't like won't take a fucking hike Yeah, what do you think I was in it for for the money? Yeah, because you guys pay so great Tips, yeah, but you know There was like when I first made that transition of like knowing it's time to get the fuck out of working at the club When I first did that I had a really bad grudge towards the club And I mean we both did our things to each other, but I uh Like right now I I have I'm out of like a really peaceful place where I just go like you know what man

Like I had to learn that shit eventually I really did learn a lot about the business working there and I used to tell myself If I didn't work here for the first five years of my career I would have been five years more ahead or I would have been at the comedy store five years ago You know what? I haven't worked in five years. I'm still not a regular at the comedy store But I learned a lot and I would have had to learn it eventually same thing with my first marriage when I first broke Up with her. I was like fuck that bitch. You know, I was I had so much anger towards her two weeks later Whatever, you know, you're speaking Russian

Yeah, but you know like I I look back towards my ex-wife now and I don't have any hatred towards her like I I did I was I wasn't great either. I was too young to be a husband and fucking Not home Working on a shitty salary also out Fucking Monday through Saturday working at the comedy club wasn't there. What woman's gonna be happy with that? Yeah Yeah, there's no one Listen women about security

You know and the daytime security has to be covered a woman's security is covered She don't give a fucking view fucking hang yourself She'll even show you how to do a born day not You know what I am she'll teach you the board day not that's a no not and the boy scouts That'll get you She don't give a fuck but they That's who a woman's about security Like I I look at my wife now today and like I look at them

Different ways because When we started dating and I moved in with her there was no security We all started zero every month Didn't matter how funny you were if you killed at the store last night. Yeah Oh, I had a great week at the Ventura comedy club Doesn't matter doesn't matter. It's Monday the first And we all started zero Now what we did last month we got to do better this month. Yeah

It's really weird how comedy It's really weird how making a living for yourself pushes me luckily I was a commissioned salesman Which is a comedian We really are commissioned salesmen. Yeah, no salary in 90 days No guarantee. Oh, well you did bad. We'll give you a thousand and a 15th And then when you sell on the second 15th of the day, we'll just wash the other salary we gave you

Yeah, there's none of that shit. Yeah, either you make it or you don't And it's so weird how some nights you have four gigs and one of them you get paid 50 bucks for But the other three Are freer than fucking the bird, you know, yeah, don't tell the guy who paid me 50 that I did this one for Yeah, and you can't figure out But it's such a jerk. I mean I'm thankful every day. I'm thankful that I'm alive. I'm thankful. I'm still doing what I like doing You know, I don't have to I'm not forced to do it every week because I'm not letting what

You own control you and all that shit. I go out. It's not a job for me Stand up. It's not a job for me. It's something I need to do to keep money. I'm the Food on the table, but it's not a job for me. I don't have to make pay 8,000 not a mortgage Do you know I'm saying? Yeah, you got to pay that eight grand that fucking Those whiskies are a little harder and fucking on the plane Those whiskies come to go down a lot rougher. Yeah, I keep my nut low But that's not what we're talking about here. What we're talking about is the commitment. I didn't even know it was your 10th anniversary

Yeah, in fact, I'm just happy that You're getting an opening to go into Montreal Whether they say yes or no Because I know to a guy like you to a guy like me I mean, you don't tell yourself. I'm going to Montreal. Yeah, what you tell yourself I'm sending a tape and hopefully they choose me And I go to Montreal and then I'll have a new set written for them I'm not gonna sell Patrick Swayze t-shirts at the end. No, I haven't done that for months. It's just really weird that

We live on a 90 day merit program Like when Lee said that to me, I've been doing comedy for a year now You know, I'm like, wow Lee has no idea That he's going into a vortex And he's going into a vortex that's psychological It fucks people up. Yeah Because when you bring home a report card

Your father hugs you and says, thank you for the a plus son That means the world to me. I'm gonna frame that, you know when even a dog When you fetch a ball and a dog drops the ball, what do you do? You bend over and pet the dog with Tommy nobody pets you. Yeah You know Dog joey's coming with me to this gig. I go to the giggy bombs The next gig I go to i'm i'm not there and you get a standing ovation And on the way out you go

Where was fuck why the fuck couldn't he have been there for that? Yeah, you know Always goes like that, right? It's it's just a fucking nightmare And listen, I'm doing comedy 27 years and I go through it You know me and Lee sometimes Lee goes to the store because they didn't like it tonight What do you want me to do Curl up in a ball and cry. No You shake it off. You know where you went wrong. I came out a little cocky I shouldn't have said that joke up front, but I wanted to show off for Lee

That's what I get for showing off in front of Lee And now the second set of league. Wow, you're destroying their own Because you picked up your whatever you learned the mistake. You learned the mistake That's why I say failing and this is not you're happy about it. If you like it You're like I like failing and I do Listen failing means you're alive. Yeah, we've associated failure with death like It's this fucking thing that was started scared to fail Listen, I rather you try even though I knew it was a dog with fleas

When you brought it to me, I knew it was a dog with fleas But who the fuck am I to tell you that? I think everything's a dog with fleas You know, you bring an investment idea. How am I going about investment? There's a dog with fleas You know, I just know what I know and what I can help you with So when you come to me with something that's not in my field, how can I judge it? You know, people always ask me why don't I Judge kill tony. I love tony hinsch. I love brian

I don't like judge other comics I have a hard time with telling a comic. He sucks. You know why because that's his dream You sucking at carpentry You know, you sucking at uh Not taking pictures, right? Whatever. I'm not worried about that. But when you come to me and you go, hey, man I talk to you in private. You know, my dream is to photograph Led Zeppelin Even though they're dead I want to photograph my hands of that caliber

You know, how can I look in the eye and go your photography sucks? I don't know anything about photography. Yeah How do I know what your eye sees? I do know one thing I know four or five people that take pictures of me on a constant level And I know another three or four people that paid big money To take pictures of me And nobody takes a better picture than me and felicia michael's Or the guy from the store who troy. Yeah, did you see what he sent this the next day? No, I didn't see that I think he didn't send him to you. He didn't he cc come to you. I have to check ccd. I got my headshots with troy

Oh, yeah, me too. I got headshots. The choice is great I just got him when you're on stage Troy is the best at what he does and I've had people pay I pay people years ago to come into the store And they're pictures that you look and go I'm like, I mean, listen, I know I look like Herman monster But your photography, I should take that Ugliness away and show them that one piece of beauty that I have But the point being who are you to tell that guy that he's no good, right?

Because you never know that he might be perfect for some job out there It's it's not that I don't like fucking with people's dreams I fuck with you. You know, you want to be a dumb gamble. That's not a drink Oh There's people who confuse a dream with a hobby. Yeah. Yeah a dream is something that you feel deep in your boss That while you're working at the dmv You often hate yourself and you hate life and you're frustrated Because you're not doing what you want to do

That's a dream and you know that your dream at first You're not gonna make no money. Don't I mean my dream is to hang pictures up Of athletes in a fucking museum And that people come by every day know why I remember this game. I remember this I got a great picture from garden. Oh shack I'll fucking sit the squid the sports illustrator cover. He sent it to me for Christmas. He dropped it at the store You know, I would love to put a space together

Just to show our different month Every month the different people sports art Cuba month Armenian month You know, like just put I like photography. I don't know nothing about it. Really? Yeah, I don't know nothing about it But if I did like a Chinese art month and you brought in a Buddha And a couple pictures of china a couple pictures of chinese people doing karate I don't give a fuck. I love to do something like that. I just don't know how to even start

Do you charge the painter for wall space Because you know a thousand people gonna come through there every day. I don't know how to start. Yeah I love all that type of shit But that would be a dream of mine that that's a dream of mine When I was a kid I used to work with flowers. Do you guys know that? No It was one of the ones like your mom owned part of it or something my stepfather when he got out he bought into a flower thing And I got to tell you man. That's a great business. Yeah, I don't know what the cost of flowers are right

No one does I can't imagine what they are now all I know is Every year I see rose sales Around valentine's day and I go jesus christ these people are fucking thieves. Did you do the assortments yourself? Do you have fun doing that? The guy in those days I was about This is probably between eight and ten And on the weekends I would go up there to the summers in the summers. I was delegated to the butcher shop I took that part today. So in the mornings I would start with the flower shop

Then in the afternoons, I would have to go to the butcher shop So I would get up at like three thirty in the morning going to Manhattan Pick up the flower was taken back to jersey Cut off stems de-stem the roses that sucks You got to get a rose And then fucking hold it and then take a de-stem and de-stem the roses and you have to do all that shit Damn, you're doing that eight years old ten years old eight nine ten years old I would do that and then help his name was Ivan

I would help him with the legolas means the arrangements And then I would put them in the front refrigerator and people come pick them up Or they deliver them to funerals or whatever the fuck it was And then once I swept the floor there and everything was done At about 11 30 I would cross the street and they had a fucking butcher shop It was really a numbers operation and I would go back there And I had to clean out the frieze to sweep the front Go get the guy's cigarettes

That was the easy yeah stock the shelves They had like olives and stupid shit. They would make me take out the old Shit first and put the new stuff on So the old shit could sell Just little tricks of the trade that you learn, you know But I'm happy I learned all that stuff even though I didn't become that For years I was dying to get a stock show of a job those those jobs pay If you're a lonely guy and you have insomnia

Go to your local supermarket. Those jobs are union It's tough to get those jobs When you you're going to Ralph's at six in the morning. Yeah, and the fucking there's pallets and the fucking things Those guys that's a union job I used to do that at CVS. I would hate those guys get paid Unpallet those things put them stock the shelves and bring them back You know, you have to there's an inspector who goes through the aisles He zeros what he needs

You come by with a fucking either a pull cart the ones you pulled at electronic Well pallet you drop the pallet and Lee has to load it into the shelves I was trying to get one of those jobs for years because they were 11 to 8 Hmm They're 11 to 8 when there's nobody there. Yeah It is kind of weird You were saying earlier how like we are who we are Like I always liked working night like it's it's weird that you like working nights

And then you start doing stand like you you're just kind of drawing to certain things That like is you I mean you were drawn to To stand up from an early age like no, I was drawn to Stand up comedy on vinyl at an early age as a fan Did I think about going to a comedy club not in a million years? When it came time to quit high school The job I quit high school with was a day job That after a month became a lot load loading job

But I knew one thing I knew at the age of 10 That I was never gonna have a day job Like I just knew that Like that was gonna be a problem And all you hear about by the time you get to high school is His colleges and that you have to work in the city and Your hours are 9 to 5 and all this shit and I would get anxiety thinking about it

Like I would see I would be hanging out at Ashway's my local deli And I would see people getting off the bus at 6 And coming in for a sandwich or a dozen eggs or yeah A pound of cheese and a pound of roast beef to the next day's sandwich And the thrill would go away. It's always a big thrill to work in a city When you come from my area when you're three miles from new york city It gives you like that thing to brag. What do you do? Uh, the agustin. Oh, I work in toly am. What do you do? I load buses and knew it. What do you do?

I work in the city, bitch You don't even say where you just say the city and people like Oh Mr. Big Shot you work in the city Let me uh Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'm gonna ask you a question and then and it's gonna have a follow-up question So you've obviously we know each other for a long time. So you've obviously always been very good at sales. Yes Would you say

Out of all the products to push Is selling yourself was the hardest fucking one follow-up question You've had success in the last, I don't know nine years And do you think that it was that your audience was always out there? And they just needed to find you and now the podcast created a source to find you or do you think that over years you developed people to like you like did you

You make them like you by maybe salesmanship. All right. What was the first question? So was yourself the hardest? Yes product ever sell Absolutely, I'm not You ever go on a gig with somebody Like I used to go on really greasy gigs Where the promoter would make you go to the local mall And give out flyers and talk to people I'd rather you fire me and send me on

Okay, I was never good at that stuff. Yeah I was never good at making a flyer And handing it to somebody for somebody like for myself Yes, I was always good at selling things And when you get here You ever go to a show That somebody runs

And you get there and the place is sold out And they actually love that host But in reality, he's just an awful fucking comic But for some reason He this is way before social media. Yeah, I knew comics that through emails and Phone calls and text messages would get 80 to 100 people to a show with a text message And they had

zero time And they would go up there and punish their audience They would get a good budget from the house. They paid the headlines and the features and the other comics. Okay But they weren't there to see those guys They were there to see that host And I couldn't figure out what it was back then And it was the other selling ship something I had a hard time with I have a hard time with telling people come see me. I'm a funny guy, you know, I'm at the store at 8 30

That's hard for a guy like me. But then something came That it was A misused tool for people. It was called the internet And it was fair game a guy by the name of dane cook Had become a star using a A site called myspace So every comic whether they were soldiers of bill x You know i'm a kennis fan

Do you think do you think richard pride would go home at night and get on myspace? That was my response Come on. Come here. Come here. Do you think? After richard pride would do a set at the comic store He'd go down to his room at the hotel and do myspace and talk to people It's bullshit. So everybody got on myspace to sell tickets But that's when I realized

What they weren't doing they Dane cook was communicating with people I started seeing salesmanship mm-hmm Now is when you're talking my name, but So I started seeing People giving away tickets or telling you they were going to be in town

And I I I I immediately removed myself as a comedian and I become a consumer And I thought how greasy is that? That's sexual harassment. That's Harvey Weinstein types thing You're not even you're not giving me any reason to give you consent to touch my dick When I see a fucking comic text or post I'm doing a show tonight at this place

Tickets available here I want to reach through the internet and smack them Because they're telling me something instead of giving me something And After you give them something Then you sell them something. Mm-hmm When was the last time you went up to a girl told you you loved her and put your hands on a badge

Never though throw you in jail, especially. Yeah What if that girl does have a crush on you? But you kiss her neck for 10 minutes and tell her how you're gonna take it to a date to Denny's And how you gonna get the grand slam I'm gonna hook you up with grand slam and shit because I know the waiter at Denny's He's kissing you on the neck Then he puts his hand between your legs. It's a way different game So I wrote a fucking podcast

On myspace that was published every blog a blog That was horrific I would just take a segment of my life and the order it happened Things that changed my life and I wrote a blog and they wrote for about 18 months Because I was endearing myself to people Before I could sell you something. I have to endear myself to you I have to give you a reason why why do you think it's so hard to sell insurance Because you don't see nothing

Yeah, you don't see dick. Yeah, you sign four papers. I shake your hand and I leave. I saw your car. You drive it every month Yeah, I saw you on iphone. You're drunk. You know, you use I saw you. Yeah about water Fucking dodgy game. You're gonna drink it, right? This is when I saw yes insurance. You walk out of there and the second question Yeah, was by the time twitter and facebook came together I if you want me to lie to you I could lie to you And tell you that when you're a telemarketer when I read the ads on this show I believe in these products. I really like square space

I know 20 people built a website was square space. Yeah, I think felicia built my original one was square space So and it's motivational for people to get your business going and stuff like that When I get contacted to do square space, I enjoy referring square space. I don't know what the point was here What was the point The reef is getting to the companies who advertised with you you believe in I believe in but my job at the end of the day Is to lead them to a website The people listen to you I need you to go to Square space if you're thinking about a website

Because I'm gonna cut your deal. Okay. I'm not telling you this is an ad read. I'm telling you the truth My job is to get you to a website My job in comedy is to get you to the club to see me. Yeah Okay, so In all this myspace facebook We're switching over. We don't want to be communists of myspace We're going on with the thief denny zuckerberg And then you might as well be on twitter. I still remember a certain episode of rogans that I went up there

And I said I don't want to be friends with nobody on twitter Are you know how many times I can eat those words now that I have personal relationships? With people on twitter from jennica jane jones To fucking, you know, they're my friends. I consider them friends. They're fans of fans. I don't know fucking fans So I ate my words. I was big enough for me man to declare there's people on facebook berg One bob the lingus best friends of the podcast, you know They're your friends now from the internet. So Yeah, I figured out a way how to sell myself

For people to come to the shows But I have to show them something I give them a taste of my music What's in my head? I want to know what's in the agustino's head. I love it when people start podcast And they want to do everything but give people the information they want Which is to know about you When I see a new or somebody calls me up with a podcast about 20 moving parts

Yeah, I avoid it like a plague those like gimmicky podcasts. Yeah Our theme is yeah, yeah When you give me a gimmicky podcast When you give me a gimmicky podcast, it's too many too many moving pieces A podcast is two three people having a conversation about a topic And you tapping into my conversation. That's it plain and fucking simple My goal with the podcast was to complete a circle We talk this is free. I don't want to dine from you. I don't want to pan tree on I'm not going to shoot videos for you

That ship sail. I'm too fucking old I give you the pound cast for free I get on twitter. I talk about it on facebook You know, we do the periscope and then When I get to your town you come to the show There's a catalyst to all this and it's a podcast The podcast and many other things

When I did the longest shot after I shot the longest shot it was very frustrated Why because actually I had the same problem everybody wanted everybody else in town wanted to do I thought the I thought that Listen, you never know what you're going to do in this town to launch you The tiffani had issue was that movie took her from Eating garbage to fucking living in beveley hills and I applaud her No matter what happens what goes down. That's a bit having that talent's a big launch Just being here you create opportunities for yourself and sometimes an opportunity opens up and boom you're there

What if tomorrow lee's doing a spot at some fucking hell hole And somebody from mbc sees him and says I want lee to do a daytime 15 minute thing on the internet every day I'm gonna give you 10 grand lee's gonna call the agustina And god, I don't know what they're talking about But you're gonna help me write that shit and I'll give you three thousand dollars a week and there you go Then then people gonna go. Whoa, but the agustino is not a writer Why are you gonna attempt and then the agustino is gonna get a new car After two years every club the agustino walks into he's gonna go. He wouldn't be anything without lee sciat

Yep, and and you're like wait a second. That's exactly how it goes. There was an opportunity there I seized it and now that's the way it is and now you're fucking hating on me. Yeah Oh, he's now he wouldn't be anything without lee sciat. Really go ask lee sciat that lee sciat. I'll tell you if that's the truth Right, but you say I don't say yeah, I write 60% of them But fucking the agustinos come up with some whoppers while we're shooting. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? So yeah, you take me to a club with you to open but guess what if I bombed that club's gonna tell joey next time I maybe bring somebody else. Yeah, you got to keep the work. No, maybe someone gave it to you I'm also let you walk home. I can't see your flight reservation

And I call the airline and put a pj middle. I tell him you got a bargain A bag right here in the bag of hummus and you're really hilarious. That's why you can't be mad at thing cooked Oh either because he did that but He he was he he he could have been not funny right Like he touched everybody and connected by everybody by my space, but what if he wasn't funny? Like They didn't put him work. Yeah, he put a great story about day. This is a very true story

In the late 90s early 2000 one of the hottest clubs in the country was houston And I spoke to a friend of mine that houston who goes oh my god, I can't wait Dane cooked his coming this weekend. I always liked dane. He was very popular in LA. He was starting to this is Before that bar on sunset on tuesdays He was already getting popular at the laugh factory People going to see dane at the laugh factory And one monday I had latino night there and as I was walking in he was walking out He did like a guess behind latino night. I go. How are you doing? He goes good. I go. How is houston?

I'll never forget this I go. How is houston? He goes houston was a great fucking show. It was a great week But it was just a bit too long joey He goes it was wednesday through sunday and he looked at me and he goes I gotta figure out a way to shorten that That's why when he started hitting theaters And arenas it didn't surprise me. He was over it from the beginning In his mental state he was done with that He had already done colleges. He had been sprinkling seeds

All around the country from colleges for two or three years He was just doing colleges Building up these little markets That nobody else thought about going to just dropping seeds And what do you think happens? What the fuck do you think happens? That's what happens You know people don't remember kevin hard

Kevin Hart went to montreal or whatever. I don't know the story. I'm not here to but I do know that he got a abc sitcom And it was supposed to be the hottest thing ever and he got a couple seasons and the thing went away I do know that he called his agent the next day and he goes take my calendar book every week Pay me fifteen hundred dollars And I want you to give the tickets away Because i'm still a tv guy and they're still gonna come because i'm a tv guy Just give tickets away whatever pays pays if not comp them all out

I want those rooms packed And he made all those free tickets He made them pay the next time And he came back again the next year and he did the same thing and every year he built he built He went into theaters until he's in stadiums. Yeah That takes an enormous commitment It's not a one-year thing. It's a three-year thing. You're looking at You're looking at a three-year cycle. I'm gonna go 45 weeks

for three years But each 18 months i'm gonna move up a cycle I'm gonna go from clubs to theaters Just put basketball like kidnapped i'm going to Tucson. He's been calling me every day. I got a mother paying no mind program Last time I went to tempi told me he was showing up now. He gets his guts I'll call him an hour before I get them I gotta torture him a little bit. I'm saying I can't get him good. So if you don't know that when you're going into it Like I wish I had a comedy at the plan at the three year, but you can't

You can't have a plan. Your only plan is to get on stage That's your only plan Oh, Joey, I want to be a good lawyer. Well, then you have to hang out a lot of fucking courtrooms, my friend A lot of courtrooms every night. Yeah, but I need to study where you study after the courtroom Yeah, but I also need a job. You get yourself for the fucking delivery. You uber uber Whatever the fuck it is. Oh, yeah If you really want it it happens But I don't want you to think it happens just because

It's supposed to happen It's also crazy how it's different for everybody. Like, do you see that thing that Sebastian put up With him and it was like, uh, the news guy NBC nightly news. Did it interview with him at the store? No It was in I had heard the story before but he was a waiter at the uh four seasons And and they didn't say this on that but I've heard that he didn't go on the road as much as everybody else Like he stayed in and worked and and just worked only at the store really or around LA It's pretty like he he would go and do his spots on his break. I was like, gee, that's that's anxiety How would he come into the store with his waiter sooner?

Take the vest off put another jacket on and go up there Get off the store get in this car and go back to the four seasons. Wow You know, I have problems with raising a comic in LA But I don't have problems with raising a comic in LA if he knows where his position is He always knew where he stood He went on that tour then he went on that tour with Tap and all those guys in the wild west tour with Steve Byrne. Oh, was he on vidsfond's wild west comedy tour? One of those things and he that's right. He was on that with like a meta meta. He's got a fantastic career

Yeah, but I never wanted anybody to think that he just happens overnight And then I remember Tim 10 years ago He was the favorite comic in the club at Addison, Texas And they're going show you have you seen him lately and I go no, I haven't been at the store And they go it's brilliant. It's like andrew dice clay clean Yeah, so people fucking love him and he jumps up like dain cook and shit not to mention his work ethic Yeah, he comes from the old school, you know, italian. He's got good work I I mean, you can't imagine that like you said he would show up on his vest change

Go on stage and go back to the restaurant like you can't imagine a work ethic like that No, I have pull listen man. All these guys bill burrow All these guys are doing well here All have one thing in common And that's time That includes Joe Rogan It's time Ari Shafir 20 years time

This is time This is time. This is a commitment. But again, I don't want it to harp on just stand-up comedy This is no matter what you do. You want to be a good cop? You got to be a rookie You got to fucking put out flares. You got to change flats. You got to save cats And then you got to learn the other angle of it. You got to learn community service And they take by the time you learn it all You already been in it and yet you can't prepare for this career That's not really a career you can prepare for

Even if you go to college and they tell you all the statistics and you learn all the graphs and shit You're not doing it till you're there But whatever you're planning on doing You have to put time into a degustino What was the difference between your old marriage and this marriage? I mean, yeah, I mean, that's a great point. It's just the time The time the fucking time that you put in what did you where'd you learn this from? My mistake of the first marriage. Thank you

Yeah, you dumb bo. Yes, sir. How many mistakes did you make with the one-eyed mexican? Tons. Are you gonna repeat them? I'm gonna try not to you know, you know, you know when I got the vote for somebody asked me about this I know how to destroy a house You know what I'm saying You want me to destroy your house? I'm moving with you and Jen by the end of the month Jen will be out of that I'll tell Jen you were cheating on her in the road. Have you doing blow? Oh, man, put vicarins in your pocket and make it. Yeah

It's something you get it done in 24 hours. Yeah, destroy your house You know, I know how to destroy a marriage. I did it. I know how to destroy a marriage walk in my house My house is the den of peace Nobody raises their voice in my house She yells at me and she smiles while she's yelling at me you stupid fuck whatever You know that there's I But I have to work at that. Yeah, you know when I was a kid When I was a spanish kid, man, there was nothing more than I wanted

Than to have that white aspect of where you ate dinner together and nobody cursed at the table And I didn't have that And I would watch the waltons and all those tv shows I go I go to liza house and mama just bite me home when I would sit together And they'd say a little jew prayer before that and You know pass around a penny and look how shiny it was. Whatever the fuck jews do before dinner Look at the shine on that penny. How do you know? I don't fucking know. I'm just making stupid jokes That I yearn for that and now

I love when people approach me for different stuff how I look at projects and stuff like that You can't take time away from me because I know what it means to them I know what it means to have a safe house. I can go out four weeks in a row My wife wouldn't say a word for me, especially when she got the checks in the hand It's not about that. It's saving our marriage It's about spending time together It's little things you don't see from the first marriage That's why your second marriage will last forever unless you put it up some fucking chicks ass in Idaho

And your wife finds out because she's russian. They know everything They fucking find out you travel with a buck. You got gps on you right now. As a matter of fact, she's listening right now Translating to the Trump people and russian Watching the live stream. Yeah, kristina. You got a lot of things going on. What are your credit for the last four years? Uh What am I credited for what are you? What are you crediting it for like what what like you write every day? Yeah, you write every day How long

If I could squeeze in a half hour, I'm happy in the daytime morning um in the evenings jokes or ideas uh Idea bits you write goals. Yeah Daily weekly weekly uh for the podcast a lot I write uh each podcast I try to write down what I want to talk about so I don't just invite you over to fucking waste your time You know, I'm always I have a really bad anxiety that I'm gonna invite someone to do my podcast and I sit there and I don't have anything important to say to them

Do you wikipedia people? Depending on who they are. I mean some of them. I got no like really really well But then some of them I I go google them first, you know and fucking find some if I have to wikipedia I don't want you on the show You know what I'm saying? That's the weird thing about me. Yeah Like I like the wikipedia and be prepared and have 10 questions like the actor studio That's not me. I just want the flow To go wherever the fucking flow is. I mean sometimes uh

Sometimes I learned stuff. I didn't know about people which is kind of cool and you can bring it up And then it's a question that didn't no one ever there. Oh, no one ever asked me that on a podcast before so I like that No, I like this whole podcast. I never did the podcast To get success. I just wanted to have my work my my What I was thinking out there I think that's very important that if you're a comic or an actor or You know, you want to make a difference or something like that

I don't care if you do a podcast for 30 years and don't get any more than 50 Downloads a month you stuck with it and you proved your point and you got 50 people to listen to you. Yeah That's big to get 50 people listening to you never mind. I'll hand you the two thousand 10 million like rogan. That's a feat. That's you know him and him and uh, the other guys and conan has a podcast So even starting a podcast is intimidating. Mm-hmm, but it you only intimidated if you're doing it for the wrong reasons If you're doing it for the right reasons I love doing my podcast because

I know i'm reaching one person somebody will know be a problem Somebody who who got locked up and came out on sunday and doesn't know what to do And they're confused I want them to know that there's no rules If you want it You could take it you could go get it if you really want it If you want to dig around and give yourself excuses and Trip all over yourself, then you're never gonna get it. You just procrastinate and trust me. I was a procrastinator

It took me two years to get on stage, you know or a year and a half something ridiculous Ridiculous to get on stage the first time Wow, but I like what you and lee both doing this podcast Is basically for both the years. I'm very proud of you that you stuck with something for a year lee Now this year you go to stick with two things Whether it's uh, whacking off every day killing the fly off your neck every day I'll whack off every day. He has flies on his neck. He has a little fly swat over this house The hummus leaks out of his neck my emotional support fly because you fart him all the time

Yeah, yeah, his own little fly brings him on the plane when i'm in a little cage Lee that's the new t-shirt emotional support fly a little fucking fly on it Please don't give no idea. The fly's got a little vest Don't give no ideas his bass will do it Then he's got a clearance sale in december. He's on roller skates for the month I'm very proud of you. Thank you. Now. When does your podcast come out? Um, so I do two a week and it's uh, usually monday and thursday But you know i'm sticking to that. Yeah, I mean sometimes I gotta be flexible because

It's hard to get fucking guests. I have a co-host too. I mean, you know how hard it is to get guests But when you have a podcast, it's not huge It's really fucking hard to get guests and then you get pissed at people like you said no to me You didn't have time, but yeah, you did that guys, you know what I mean? It's little things like that, but with you know Shows jobs as long as I get two out. I'm happy, but it's pretty much like monday and thursday. You gotta lie on your plate Yeah, the wife the job stands up. You live in the same building as your parents. Yes They're across the hall. They come in at any time with underwear on I don't know what's going on my foot

You know saying your dad might come on. I don't know what's going on my toe. Take a look at it. Well Yeah, you fucking gotta cut the nail. It looks like a fucking z. You know what I'm saying? Before I came over here, I was taking the christens lights off my mom's roof Were you? Yeah. Good. Good. Good. But you know, uh, I'm very lucky that my family runs a building in los angeles Because it's fucking expensive here. I'm lucky that I'm from los angeles. A lot of comics had to move out here That's that I applaud anybody that had to do that. I don't know if I would have been able to do that But I already lived out here and I'm lucky that my family Had a building that they run and I get to I get pretty cheap rent

I mean, I'm not getting it for free, but I pay I get a little discount If I can help south Well, you're a young couple. Yeah, and you're both trying to make moves and uh, yeah I'm just wanting to put you on the podcast. Thank you. San Jose with me. Fuck. Yeah February 14th through the 17th. Nice. We're gonna be going to original joes and eating steak Fucking meatballs and shit. I've never done San Jose. Wait till you fucking see this deal. Oh, I can't wait I can't wait for you to see the original joes. I'm not don't even look at him He had he lost credibility. I went to original joes. He went to san francisco with paul

And they signed up for some look at san francisco through the eyes trip We did an italian food tour And we didn't go there, but then then last year when I went to San Jose, didn't I go to original joes? Yes, I don't know. Yes, I did they tweeted at me. Who did you go with paula? It was right before we broke up You know what I was thinking about the other day when you do the san francisco punchline the hotel they put you in Oh, that's your pino downstairs. That's your pino is is the shit I don't think I've had like another one as good

Since then especially in this fucking neighborhood with these fucking I went to paglia cheese bro I tried it at paglia cheese. What did the chiapino? They cook it in like white water You know what I mean? Like they're not cooking in a white wine Like you can tell like there's no flavor. You got to you got to cook chiapino in white wine What did you like from paglia cheese anything? They have some good pasta dishes if you're gonna go just stick with a pasta dish one pasta dish that's sensational Which one do you get the one with the with the lamb's meat and the meat and okay?

No, I'll have to try that next time. I got like a chicken. Well, it is Okay, that bolognese is one of the best I've ever had really they make a nice bolognese and they give it to you on a home cooked Fresh noodles. They make the noodles there fellow. Chini. Oh, okay And you could taste like that was watching the sopranos the other day when you take the pasta out You drain it then you put butter on it and you put a cup of Sauce in it and you stir it for the first minute So the pasta is fresh and absorbs the sauce a lot of people don't understand that concept Yeah, when you first get it you have to drain it put it down

Put a piece of butter in there and pour a little bit of sauce and stir it for two minutes So that sauce goes into the spot. Yeah. Yeah You don't just dump it on top. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Besides san jose, you got any dates brother? Um, I had a pretty fucking busy january, but I have nothing really in february besides san jose All right, so you're with me and san jose the 14th to the 17th Then the following week i'm at treasure island in san francisco on the 20 Las vegas in the 22nd and the fox theater at motherfucking toosan, arizona

On the 23rd. That's a tour with k quickly. Nice. I know the tickets are a little extra in vegas So i'm bringing you an artillery of fucking talents And beside that degustino, I just want to tell you and lee i'm both proud of the bothies Thank you. That means a lot. I'm proud that lee stuck with something for a year I hope he continues to stick with it. Or if not, I'll fucking take him to Ontario for the weekend and he disappears You're saying that is one of those things that I was talking about that just goes like, okay, the consistency does work, you know It's just here and someone tells you to do good. Listen consistency does work

It's boring It's boring. Yeah, you know every well, especially when you don't see the payoff right away when in commonly every 90 days Is psychiatrists feel you hate your wife. You hate everybody because You don't see the results. Yeah, the results are happening. Yeah You're just not giving it enough time to let the miracle happen And once the miracle happens now you want to get stronger there now it dies. It's not in coke Yeah, there's a point where like, you know, I did comedy all my life and then at the at the fucking

12 year mark I went crazy. Let me tell you what happened yesterday I was about to take a shower. It was 435 And I had a birthday party at the house my daughter and 16 other princesses All they needed was a little gay boy with a whistle And down the summer music and we would have had it off, but it was still a great time, but At 430 me my daughter will watch or something. I go to mercy and I go get ready And mercy had to go get ready. My wife had to brush her hand put her fucking princess costume on So as I'm going to the shower, I'm thinking to myself and something just came to my mind

Krista peda krista peda is What's the guy from michael molly Billy gardell Billy gardell's manager is krista peda. Okay since day one He's never fired krista peda Krista peda owns the the punchline atlanta or used to own it. I don't know what the politics are now. Okay I was thinking about calling krista peda because when I got here in 98 He was very good to me. They were doing a pilot and he wasn't even my manager He made a call for me. So

I was just thinking about krista peda and then I started thinking about the atlanta punchline Like why don't I go there? Because it was an hour drive from the airport And we left on a monday morning rogan. We didn't think about it. It was two hours. We were almost delayed And I'm making a mental note. I'm never coming back out here or whatever But I remember that specific weekend And how we did five or six shows And I bombed four of those shows

But that's the tape that if you ever see on youtube of Me calling Duncan and harassing him for being involved with devil worshipers That happened that week. It's on youtube. It's got a couple million hits Red band makes this is when red band was just joe's cameraman. Okay, and it was me arie joe Tate And red band on the road every weekend And there was a lot uncomfortable times, you know

Rogan would rent a car and he didn't know where he was going So I would get into arguments You know the day that they were telling me that dunkin was a devil worshiper and I left him a message They gotta fuck him in the ass and all that That was the weekend and I had to weigh 400 pounds And I was on stage talking about eating pussy and somebody in the back heckled me and she goes who would fuck you Like it was just a god awful weekend And this is 19. This is 2002

2003 I was already a regular at the store for four or five years. I'd been on mad tv I'll never forget some lady yell Who would fuck you? And I remember like not even like people laughed and shit like it was just a rough weekend But because I was drying myself off when I came out of the shower like That's as good as it gets Like that was as good as it gets

And I got dressed And the first guy called was red band like a red band. You got a minute. He was in north carolina doing kill toni Like oh man that weekend we went to atlanta And we taped the thing for dunking and I bombed and we all laughed about me bombing like having a rough time I had a follow arie and I just had horrible material All I cared about was snort and coke And I go red band Tell me to my face that that's not wasn't as good as it got because it really was

And I started getting emotional and I waited 10 minutes and I called the rogue and he picked up Like we got two minutes I go remember that time we went to atlanta and I bombed And the lady heckled me and said who would fuck you and he started laughing he goes. I wrote a joke about it Yeah, he wrote a joke about it and he goes I go that was as good as it got for me, bro Bombing being a feature act in a hotel like

Yeah, one of these girls gets like you were having the time of your life time of my life that weekend Like we would all eat together Like five of us would eat together. Nobody would eat without anybody You know, I think we were smoking all dope at this time. So we were smoking dope together those tours A reflection of what i'm doing on stage today You're gonna go both of these have to go on 20 000 of those You know

Well, you're just a bottom man like I was the bottom man There was a harry and me and everybody hated me and harry. They love joe But they hate us But those are the as good as it gets You don't know it while you're going through it But the education I got from those gigs of who I am today. So I'm really proud that you never gave up. I'm really proud that You flipped the switch and even though you're married you worked out a

A ying and yang situation to continue your comedy and grow I hope that you do get your tape out there that you go to montreal. Yeah I wish you both a lot of success lee. Thank you. You are a great comedic writer. You are a young woody Alan, I don't I hope you don't not a pedophile and fucking cousin It's easy something like that But you are the next woody, Alan You did great at the story of the night that everybody was saying it And for you a way way way ahead of me my first year

The only thing I had on you was I we won a national contest But you gotta remember it's not how many people you shoot it to you shoot So don't worry about that stuff. That's the only thing I had on you you comedy wise and talent wise You happen to be by fucking more than a dose I appreciate it. I No, I don't know it's There's part of me that Like it's even weird like sometimes when i'm like only doing 10

Part of me is like god, I wish I was doing 15 15 or 20 just like it's Like it's I just want to do more stand-up and I definitely If I got an offer to be on the road every week, I'm not saying I wouldn't take it But it's Right now. I just want to be able to do more It's just that that it is tough for me. Like what you said, it's not as tough when you do badly Then if I only have one set and I don't do well I'll be sad until the next day. There's a big time gay comic that quality I didn't ask me if you were available

Then I'll do it. I'll then I'll dance for him. I know you Happens and no, let me do 20 minutes. I've done those road gigs, bro. That's just You fucking it makes you a beast. I'm excited. I'm excited to do those Dumb shows on the road or like a bar. I've done I did the last time I did bonkers They put me in this giant fucking room There was no one in there and they told me to go on stage. Anyway, I wouldn't get paid I had to go up there like an idiot and do stand-up for for the empty chairs

Literally not one person in there and then when you show up at the bar show in downtown la And all those other guys are eating a dick You're gonna go up and kill because you know how to fucking do horrible rooms like that That happened to me in Riverside. It was a restaurant where no one was paying attention And because of the show I did At eddie bravo's thing where no one was paying attention. I knew I had to approach it a little differently and after the show the booker actually just booked me again because Three different people were like, oh, I love that guy. Like just they had no idea who I was

But it's it's cool to like When you see something again that you bombed at once you're like, oh, I can at least I have an idea of how to handle it differently this time and this goes across the board For whatever you're doing when I was roofing these principles apply When I was a plumber these principles apply no matter what career you have that you're looking for advancement It's all the same path. It's time And then opportunities one day you're gonna be there seven years You're gonna go when am I gonna get a raise all I want to raise for a dollar and they call you in the office

That the guy that was your boss is quitting and you get a three dollar raise And you go Jesus christ god works in mysterious ways. No You punch the fucking clock. You're gonna eventually get money not today You might not get it today It might be in the future and the work you guys are putting in right now are the building blocks Yeah, so when you do get to that level you don't fall apart on me I don't even know what the fuck's going on. Look at me. I did the work and I fall apart at the seams I did the work. I wrote on the greyhound buses. I got crabs

Anyway, I want to thank you the agustino for coming on the show brother San Jose will see us and I don't want to thank the fucking The christ killer for always being here and being a savage and for continuing his comedy quest But before we leave I want to talk to you about a few things. All right Things you could do with square space. All right. I mean they never end you could turn your cool idea Into a new website. You could showcase your work. You could blog or publish content You could sell products and services of all kinds You could promote your physical and online businesses and announce an upcoming event or special project

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And I want to thank you guys for listening and starting the year off with your uncle joey Your bad motherfuckers stay black. Have a great day. Don't let nobody fuck with you Remember bray and next weekend the 22nd through the 24th. I'll see your savages down there. Kick this motherfucker muley I Want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I Somebody who

Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company See Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So far

So And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there a plodden from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you you Bye