Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #650 - Carmen Morales

Episode Date: January 17, 2019

Carmen Morales, a comedian, the second doorgirl in the history of The Comedy Store and host of the "No Sir I Don't Like It" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded live on 01/16/2019.


Greetings from podcastville the church. What's happening now is brought to you by my bookie. Listen the NFL playoffs are here It's time to get on the action with my bookie. Not only that you got college basketball You got you got you got college pro basketball. You got hockey. You got the UFC You got a lot of things going on. It really is the most wonderful Time of the year so do me a favor if you join my bookie now They'll offer you a 50% deposit bonus to make sure you have a nice bankroll for bowl season Use promo code church when you deposit to activate the offer. That's promo code church at my bookie You play you win you get paid. I also want to welcome on it. Listen

It's a new year with a new set of rules and you're trying to make moves and make things happen Honor is the way to start without for brain. Okay. I'm traveling this week. If you don't think I have my Immune tech with me my shroom tech immune. You're out of your fucking mind. Everybody else got a mask on not me I'm confident I eat for those fucking capsules. You're coughing my face. Nothing will happen Why because that's on it for you an alpha brain You want to get your thoughts together? You want to think clear you want to have more focus? Alpha brain is the way to go if it doesn't work for you Then they want the product they just want they just don't just give you the money back guarantee

But go to on it slash church and get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking crib. Kick that motherfucking mule Lee January The 17th a Thursday cocksuckers uncle Joey When I say kick that mule we kick that fucking mule, right? Take it take it blow up the fucking speakers. It's Thursday, baby Little Chris corned out soundguide on a Thursday morning. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Here you go, here you go Here you go, not suck if you want it. Here you go

Oh Oh Oh Oh It's always great torture and Lee on a fucking Thursday morning, how are you bad motherfuckers? I got in studio Common Boogaloo Morales You're thinking to yourself Joe who the fuck don't worry about nothing. Don't ask no questions first off

I hope your week is going great. It's a Thursday. You know I'm saying I gotta head to fucking New York City to tape something for my boy DB and Tip top McGoo. I'm right back. The best thing about the trip is I get to go to meet Ari and Peter Lugas And I'm excited because they got the best fucking steak in the country And it's gonna be early so I could digest it because I'm old. You don't want to eat meat late at night Yeah, you can't eat me and then lay down. No, let's say you get a heart attack And then you jerk off and that's it next thing you know, they find you with a rope around your neck and About you're trying to jerk off like to sing it from the next s and they create a different narrative

Then what really happened you just you just say steak too late Oh, I was gonna say how does eating meat make you put a rope around your neck? It just makes you go crazy Crazy you can't be that kind of a carnival. What's that vodka gets in your brain, man? Yeah, it'll fuck with you I know I'm a young comic. I met her at the store mm-hmm and Along the way, I watched you like twice on stage And then I found something out. I found out that you were a door girl Yeah, second and door girl history second door girl history to fucking

Be on at the store. It's all changed There was a time Mitzi would not hire a male waiter Like there was no male waiters guys no no man. No no she was like opposite of Calico Jacks She was just like what's going on there now business wise like there was no food allowed She didn't want you eating cuz you couldn't laugh. Mm-hmm. It was just booze only so she took that hit. Yeah, it was booze and popcorn Popcorn at the tables that tasted like ass, of course keep you drinking and then She you know, I don't think she'd have a door girl. I Don't think in her heart. She had it like that to have a dog girl that yeah in her mind

I think she felt like she was the door girl by the time I got there. She wasn't there every night So I don't know but regardless of that Yeah, somebody told me they ate you just went in one day and asked for the job Actually, they asked me I didn't you were a fucking savage already. Yeah, you didn't really need to make the move but you made the move which impressed the fuck out of a guy like me because This whole thing is about balls this whole business It's you releasing who the fuck you are and going for it

If you want it, this is how you got to get it and it seems to me that you want it Yeah, I don't want it started getting it all said you started opening for a couple of big names you on the road, so I Want to let people know who the fuck common moralists. Well, I thank you that makes me feel real pretty. You know what I mean No, no, no, no, hey, hey relax. All right. Yeah, okay, not that I'm in court with Benjamin Brafman I'm a moralist said Bullshit they film everything now. We're fine. Nobody knows nothing bad happened But I'm just saying like that

You may feel pretty like you know, you feels good because like that's one of the things that motivates me is like some people like It's money the fame like mine was the respect. I wanted the best people to think that I was good, too You know important is that to you? It's the most important. That's what I'm saying like that's why I don't give a fuck that I'm not rich or that I'm not famous or whatever because I'm never gonna not do this And I'm never gonna not try and be good at it. So it doesn't it doesn't matter I don't give a shit. Do you see people who want to be rich and famous and come out here and fail? Of course, those people have you seen They're getting those for the wrong reason

Instead of loving what the fuck they're doing and let the money come later The most important thing about an artist You're releasing what the fuck you want to do. You know what man? I'm sick and fucking tired of going working at that funeral parlor I want to make shoes What I actually thought we were recording at a funeral parlor because you're right next door to one And I was like, oh, I see this hers pull out and I was like, is that where we're this where we're talking every podcast Is a stick now so what cuz I told you when when you came in that I'm I just finished a year Like what was your process like for trying to get people to bring you on the road?

Because I mean you've been doing it for a while. I grew up in a different time like I'm old enough in comedy I grew up and that wasn't a thing. You had to just do it yourself. I knew guys that worked the road Can I interrupt you for a second? Yeah, sure. That was a horrific question Because You at a year. I'm not looking for anybody to bring you Should be getting ready to get on buses and do feature work all around Texas They don't know they don't go out and feature You have to go out there now for two or three years and bang it out

Okay, bang it out. So you go and get featured gigs separate of the headliner. You just go. Yeah, you can just go ask them Okay You have to go to clubs Club with me and I take you you have to build a relationship. It's not that's why I always say to you tip Shut your fucking mouth. Don't ask for tea. You know, don't grab nobody's ass Don't grab nobody's certain things you got to do. That's a protocol How do I know cuz I did it but I failed at something That's the number one

In those days I was into drugs. Mm-hmm. So drugs I was thinking about you hang out with the kitchen staff a lot a lot I was thinking about a night Right after the longest year I came out At that time I would sell 90 tickets 78 tickets And I had a gig in Ontario on Wednesday and Thursday. They let me headline two shows They were paying me good money finally the impromptu rock. Yeah, who I love, you know I've always loved it. Give me ton of work over the years

and They gave me a whole time room because I had to do radio the next day And I'll never forget that I went to Ontario Checked into the whole time room. I tried to put the TV on and I fucking I had to do a line of coke And I didn't know That night here. I am just finished getting the fucking Ontario. I'm in the hotel room at night I got radio at six in the fucking morning, but it's eight o'clock at night And I'm crazy and cocaine by nine o'clock. I didn't know who to call so I got back in the car

No drove all the way back to Hollywood got a gram of coke and drove all the way back to the whole town, Ontario And I snorted coke to five and blew off the radio You're there and the impromptu were pissed I mean fucking furious pissed Like that was the last time they even took my calls for like a year. Oh, wow Holy shit, like that type of shit. I used to do like that was mine. And this is 2006

2005 when I was just out of my rocker But that's the thing is it's cuz the comics like you guys that fuck everything up and then we end up with no hotel room or no You know, we don't we don't let comics drink anymore because they get all fucked up But don't do it. I never fucked up a hotel room. I Never did drinking at the bar. You never drank after the show. No, there was only two clubs in the country Where I hung out at the bar the Houston last stop and the Miami improv The other clubs I went to like I went to Miami and it was a fucking party every night coconut Grove and then I went to

Cleveland and They couldn't wait to get rid of the customers Like Cleveland's improv at that time Like they had a line pointing you to the fucking door get out Yeah, you are at the bar looking for a package. Maybe get a piece of ass. Yeah, they would hush them out Where in Miami, they let you hang out. There was a pool table. You got to meet the hell that whole separate bar area They had this is the old Miami. This is this is 99

2000 2001 on the third floor in a mall across more wet willies You know what wet willies are those frozen drinks and they have the one that's 140 proof They call call a cab. Yeah, but the whole mall got them. I cannot describe Like I think I told them on Monday's podcast that I called Rogan on Saturday and we talked about I was talking about Chris Chris something he owns the Atlanta punchline and he's also What's the chubby kid from Mike and Molly Billy Goddell's manager, Krista better. Yeah, Krista better is a good good guy When I first got here, Krista better helped me a lot And I was just thinking about this the other day as I was fucking putting earplugs in my ear getting ready going to shower

I was thinking about Krista better how you own this You know the Atlanta punchline, but he also managed Whatever he would come out here, but his real life was in Atlanta. He had kids and the whole thing So he owned the punchline. I remember one specific weekend Where Rogan took me and Ari to open for him and red band was a kid and Tate was Rogan's bodyguard and Eddie Brock will come along just to tag along so they could do jits with a gym so it was like six of us on the road and Looking back at that this has to be

2003 2004 2002 and We did this a video still on there about me calling Duncan and threatening him telling them He's a devil worshipper. Have you ever seen that clip on YouTube? It's old It's calling Duncan and telling him to stop hanging out with devil worshippers because they're gonna fuck him in the ass It was all of us going out every week, and it was me Rogan Ari Duncan Red band red band would just tape film

So he ended they were called the Joe show And it was Joe Rogan showing it was us on the road every weekend But anyway to get back to the point I still remember being outside that parking lot and making that tape with red band and hanging up and laughing my ass off And I was up on stage that night And I was talking about fucking or sucking or something and some lady with a southern draw said Who the fuck would fuck you? And Rogan was back there and he heard it made a joke about it

But at that moment in the shower it came to me that that was as good as it was for being comedy Like those times. Mm-hmm. We were crazy like I still remember hated going to Atlanta points line because it was an hour from the airport and We used to go fly on Monday mornings then That was the first couple of times Rogan took those Sunday shows and Monday morning traffic with a flight late delayed you wouldn't land on LAx6 at night And that's why I said no more Sundays. Oh You don't do Sundays? No

No, I Don't fly on Monday Why because it's the busiest day of the week. I don't want to be caught in that There's no need for it and I for years. I played the Sunday audiences who hated me More than I hated Yeah, Sunday, you're miserable You'll wake up your girlfriend cause you she's going to a parent's house for a cookout in here I'm bum-fuck bum-fuck

In a motel six that the TV don't work. It smells like curry In the fucking hallways, who books that can I fuck knows, you know These are the games you take as you're developing over the years. You know, you don't know till you get there I can't imagine now in the world of What's that shit where you stay at people's houses air B&B if I was a comedy club either than B&B comics Well, there's a difference, you know, he's got a whole apartment putting me in a room with someone else's house Don't put you in a room is only Yeah, I mean we used to have to sometimes stay with like the wait staff or I can't tell you how many times

I've slept in in the extra room where the manager lives like and it's like, you know You can't even give us a little our own box. You can't give us a little box or a shitty hotel I'd even take the curry hotel. You're talking about yeah the motel. I'd rather take that. It's it's pretty much $60 everywhere in the country for a motel six and I'd rather have that than like have to stay it's somebody else's house Yeah, that creeps me out. I'm a guy. I just I would never that I think I would sleep in my car instead like that That's part of this whole fucking thing Is that how much you sacrifice

You know, I think you when you own I don't know if you rephrase it the right way or whatever Somebody takes you on the road when they see something in you Like that girl started taking you on the road. I forget her name real funny blonde. Oh, Maria Maria Banford taking you on the road. She saw you one night Thought you were something different in front of her and she she's a comic. Yeah, she knows how your her audience is gonna react to you. I Know what my audience of people will come in I'm gonna react to I Already know you have some of the best audience members, too. Yeah, because we're sincere. Yeah, they listen to podcasts

They're very respectful They understand the art of County. They've heard what we go through in the process They apply the principles that we use to their own lives as Fucking whatever they are artists or graphic designers or architects that takes a certain discipline You know, I love when comics come on here and have stories Especially a fucking woman especially a latin woman who was doing comedy Let's pretend we just erased the Latin woman. You're just a comedian. You're just one of us You just have a dick, but you tie it up. You know I'm saying I talk it

I push it to the side and I tell any woman who's even small dick I tell any woman who comes on the part. It's really like a like a five inch clit You know, I mean just like a really long clip. I tell me you ever smack a guy on the face. Will you click so fun? No? It's weird how I Respect women comics a lot because I know what the fuck they go through like I was here 20 years ago when there was a guy that hung out in the van and these girls would hang out with them and there were female Comic those girls are long gone Because it was a party atmosphere. Sure like it was a party atmosphere

That was really supposed to be a comedic atmosphere, but so I've seen people come and go And your story like you're on your way Like I always like to pluck people and put them on the podcast when they're on their way when you You could see that not today. It may not be in five years But it may be in seven years or it could be right going anywhere. So or it could be tomorrow Yeah, you just have all the tools for that to happen, which is Good, you know saying that's a great thing. So I wanted the world to discover who the fuck Carmen Morales

Without telling me by I wasn't even just meaning it like they're all fucking clipped I don't want to see it Why not it'd be funny It's funny when you're curtsy. Oh, but it's fine for you guys to slap a bitch with your dick I can't slap a guy with my clip. Why not? I haven't slept a woman my dick and it's gotta be 30 years. So what you still did it But that was a long time ago. You can't hold it against me. There's no statute of limitations About I'm not holding it against you. I'm just saying I can do the same fucking thing. It's a woman's world now my friend

Then put it back in that mouth Women love all those like a little golf swing No, I've never smacked a girl in the face that They're focused on the deck you can see it like it's like that last dick they're gonna suck and once they close their eyes It's all time and you take it out. Don't even know what's happening. Don't even know what's happening It's still in the air like sucking some All of a sudden you just fucking whip them in the face right here And then they don't even know what's going on they start looking around

You put it right in their mouth and they go right back into the river And then they start humming too so it adds like a nice little vibration I'm just a home because they're trying to yell at you, but there's a dick in there And then you ask me like when I eat the face that's fucking with that steer of death, don't you? Yeah, so why can't I do that with my clip? What's wrong with that except I jam it up their nose, too Sometimes just to be funny Because people gonna contact you and what pictures of your clip now How long and where'd you start Orlando Orlando floor is that where you're from?

Originally, mm-hmm one of the few people that are actually born there a lot of fucking I did not know a land That was filled with that many fucking Puerto Ricans. I'm not Puerto Rican, but there is a ton of them There's a ton of them there. I did not know that years ago. I played Because there's tons of When you go to Orlando, that's where they keep them How far is Tampa from Orlando? Like an hour. Yes. So I did Tampa Orlando for a Spanish woman a son was a boxer and she had the Camacho's I

Don't know what she would book rooms. Yeah, I did a couple of those rooms. She tried booking rooms. That was One of the saddest nights of my life Why tell me what happened this was the Facebook this was the my space days And I was writing a blog. I don't know what she was thinking She She hits me up on my space and she very nice lady real attractive Attractive older, you know Well, she was younger than me at the time, but whatever

She asked me if I wanted to come that she was a promoter And what was my feet and I asked her for like a low number How much what was your feedback then? I? Think I asked her for 750 a show For each show. Yeah, how many shows one show just one show each night each place night. Yeah, okay and a plane ticket The hotel was to pick me up at the airport and she was like no problem, okay So I fly down there the first night. We do tons of fucking radio Friday morning

Spanish black white. This is a long fucking time ago, you know, we got tone. I mean, it was yeah It was horrible. I did a ton of radio and the first night we got about a hundred people in Orlando, maybe Then the next I had to go to Tampa And I remember going to the hotel and walking around I couldn't believe how many fucking New Yorkers Oh, yeah in Tampa, New York and Ohio. It's they all go there. Oh my god. Mm-hmm. Everything is New York City based

Mm-hmm. I'm walking down the block. New York pizza Everything was New York and they really are from New York and they really are what they say they are Yeah, I mean the pizzas everything in Tampa those people down there that I remember walking and seeing a yellow and blue umbrella And going to my fucking Hallucinating there's separate hot dogs in Tampa. Oh, yeah, and I walked up to the guy and I go How you doing are these really separate as I get on a retired fireman? I Moved down here after I retired and I sold and I saw hot dogs and he had the onions the bun Yeah, and they here's you know what the trick is is they boil them and he put a little bit of red wine vinegar in the water

And that's what makes them all extra subreddy. That's what it is Delicious and the guy told me goes, you know, that's what the Yankees have their spring spring training So it's like the whole everybody's from New York down there. I did not know it so we get to Tampa And it's tonight Somebody's fighting in New York City. I know you know who it was for sure the guy we had on Years ago that he showed up on a Monday night and we had somebody else there He fought and this is silver beat him up. He's from Ohio And this is silver beat him up two times. He was the world champion. This is how long ago it was he was fighting

Somebody else We must have had 16 people at that show. Oh Wow Okay, you still paid she still pay you and she came up to me There's one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life Because by that time I had had it With those type of motives. Yeah The night of the show they pull you aside and go, let me holla at you for a second. Oh, that's always when you know

You're gonna somebody it's gonna be some people if think about it. If I offer you a job Joey, I'm gonna be a graphic designer. You're gonna get 40 hours every week at $30 an hour and every week I pull you aside and go, hey, man, I know you were 40 hours But I'm only gonna pay you for 20. You know what? It's accept. It's not acceptable. It's not acceptable at any level. No, it's fucking ridiculous And they're all making money like I worked What led into this situation not to let anybody or Carmen or lead to judge me in the wrong way was I? got involved

For three years with just bad promoters Like I went from one to another. It's it's the luck of the drawing calmly. We're all whores at that point We need money and We want to do big venues and we want to get better at yeah, sure So when you dedicate yourself to the road rich Franklin rich Franklin So rich Frank was fighting but to lead up to this. I got involved with the Latino Knights of Comedy Mm-hmm. He was he says he was the promoter of earth when fire He had this long resume. He call you on the phone and give you any of cheese. I took three beatings from him

Three beatings the first one was I understood let me howl at you listen. I can't give you the 500 I promise you I'm only gonna be able to give you 300 But I brought you a little bag of reefer just to let you know I'm in your corner You know and after a while you get people thinking people doing that to you every week Then the second time I worked for him at some point. It's like you're insulting my intelligence at this point Oh my god, then the second time I worked for him. There was something else. I was fucked up He did something with the plane tickets So we had to take a bus and it was all night long and then the third time I worked for him

I got three quarters of the money, but three in the morning. My door was knocking He had ran out on the tab on the radio station Police were there wow manager of the venue and The ad people And that's when I said I can't work for yeah, they're not getting their money How the what makes you think they're every he's ever gonna give you your fucking money And then I had this white dude out of out of like some part of Texas But every time I worked for him there was always a story

Mm-hmm, and I'd mix it up with other work Like you know when it's too late to cancel that on me. Yeah, because you have a whole run He would always call you a week before the run hey, I switched the gig from Friday to Saturday you did what? Yeah, what do you want me to do? Yeah, there's a there's a barbecue on Saturday So nobody will come to the common show, you know a week before the fucking show there was one of those guys I went through all this shit. Mm-hmm This is the shit that you have to go through in Order to get through to people to pay you in clubs

You have to work those shittier rooms for a long fucking time I mean there are ways to not have to do that if you grow up in a scene like like Miami and or like like a Scene that has an a-club a lot of times they don't go through those and a lot of those comics don't end up being Good because of it because that you when you're battling You know people wanting to watch the the MMA fight or wanting to you know When you're interrupting people's seafood dinner that they didn't know a fucking comedy show is about to happen Once you figure out how to still make that work then you're completely and utterly unstoppable Because you've gone through everything

What do you think you think four people is gonna stop me from performing incredibly well no Let me show you how I can dazzle four motherfuckers who are completely uninterested. What time do you usually go up at the store? Now I'm I do all the opening sets. So it's super early. So I bite the bullet all the time What do you think of those opening spots? There's look here's the thing Joey. I'm charming as fuck. Okay, and people like that. So it's not that bad I also don't hate people like everybody does like it's supposed to be cool as a comedian to hate people I don't hate people. I mean I hate people. I hate things that people do But they're all just I mean we're all just fucking trying right until we're dead. Yeah. No, no

This is this is what you do. I mean, there's no giving up once you join the family I can't see on Facebook in 10 years selling real estate No You can't read this mouth doesn't work well with an HR department I've seen a lot of that lately and it and it's saddened me and it Gives me a chance to bat myself on the back because I stuck with something. Mm-hmm You know, there's a lot of things that motivate me that I can't talk about in public because people get Their feelings hurt, you know, this like this shit. I like that. I couldn't do as a comic, but that's my decisions

What do you mean like what what can't you do? You can do anything. That's what's that. That's why it's the greatest art form, right? Well, I don't mean like that. Oh, I guess things I wouldn't do anymore because of how I like to work things Okay, I couldn't see myself at that position right now After all the work I put in so when I see those guys in that position I Kind of pat myself on the shoulder for sticking with it Sure, there's a lot of people right now that were funny, and I am the back home And then I do them what they love because they gave up on this place to have excuses

They point their fingers at you and other comics and say we're gay or whatever the fuck The only way to make it that way is to be gay Is that all you got to do dude, you should have told me that when I first got here I would have sucked this dick ten years. I would have sucked this dick for a forty three million dollar deal For whatever, you know, it's but not really see that and that's what That's what I admire about you that you have been doing comedy for 12 years And one day you walk into the comedy store and accept the job As a dog girl, whatever the fuck you want. Mm-hmm

It was strange what was strange to me about that is everybody else's reactions to it because it was like some people were like I can't believe you took that job like you're above that job or and some people were like I don't know if that's a good move like you work the road and stuff like everybody was just like feeling all this Apprehension for me and I was like well, yeah, I don't know But if it doesn't work out then it just doesn't work out. Are they cool. Are you working the road? Yeah? I mean that was my only stipulation because they they asked me And they told me it was like the quickest way for me to kind of get through that whole Passing system and I said well as long as I was like why the only way I make money is through stand-up

I don't have a job or anything like that So as long as this doesn't stop me from working the road at all then it's fine And they've been really cool like I was just gone for almost two months And they were good they were cool and then I came back for two weeks and then was gone again like They're awesome. I mean they know and and I worked for their incredible people too Like they also believe in me too like and and I'm very honest with them I'm like I'm not I'm not gonna try to fuck you over when I'm here. I'll do my job It's a very very positive place. It's really great really become a very very

No arguing no more hassles Everybody really gets along with each other. Nobody runs the clock and there's three hours. No more. Yeah, it's become Well except for Chappelle, but that's fine. No, was he there last night? Did he stay as I was walking out? I didn't see I didn't see if he's yeah, he went up last night. Did he yeah He went up a couple like a month ago and was there till like five in the morning Wow But though but they also expect that from him too, you know what I mean, it's also I'm not mad at your father Dave Chappelle exactly And he's not doing it every night

No Which would be that? Yeah, that must be frustrating Cuz Joey was great and I got to do I said at the open mic or friends and family this week And he didn't he did I think he did less than 15 minutes But I had never like seen anything get bumped or I guess it's not even really a bump It was just a drop in from like Todd Barry came and did the room It was cool this after seeing like 23 minutes sets to see like a guy who's a professional going and like

How he can work the same audience and how they were quiet before another laughing it was It was I went up a lot later. It's fun. It's really weird to see when somebody figures out the puzzle It's a beautiful thing to see when There's ten comics and all out of the ten comics on an open mic eight of me eat it Yeah, and two of them do okay. They got a couple laughs And then a guy that's been doing comedy 15 20 years walks up there and just levels the room I love doing that is I know that sounds so braggadocious, but I love that I love when it's just a string of nothing's just passing the baton a cock and then you just watch and just go

Oh, you guys just haven't been fucked right like it's just one of those things You're watching each comic dig a hole. Yeah, and you just avoid all those landmines I'm just gonna avoid those landmines and I'm gonna attack them this way and you level them and you come off the stage and They look at you and they go what they touch you like Jesus They're like what the fuck did you do nothing though? It's what I do But what's even funnier is when you do that and you go up and you like oh, I'll got this and you go up there And then you eat a big fact dick, too

That humbling experience the exact opposite that happens where you're like am I even a comic? Do I even do this right, you know I started eating a dick last night in the main room in the original room I had them, but I really didn't Mm-hmm, but none of that stuff bothers me at the economy store right like it doesn't affect me It's just a cost to do in business. Mm-hmm when I go to the economy store even at this level now And I still eat a bag of dick like last night. I closed with an old joke Oh, really wow that means I'm dying

When you hear that joke that means I'm dying that means that doesn't mean I'm dying it means that You're right. Either I got so high. I forgot my material Which happened you had to go do the vault I get back into the main room and fucking Geno's back there with speed weed and right away gives me a blunt and I smoke and nobody wants to smoke Sitting there. I smoke the whole thing by myself by the time I got up. I forgot everything. I tried I tried new shit I wanted to try some new shit It's just not clicking. They don't see me as a dad The audience does not see me as a dad. Why can't sell that quality I can sell uncle

Uh-huh, but I can't sell the dad They laugh at the jokes, but then they go back uncle Joey jokes. They go with It's very weird. Well, you should remind them that sometimes uncles or dads to motherfucker So I've been trying this new material out just to you know, hey, listen, you got to change it up constantly You have to evolve as a human as a comic as an Nutrition as an artist as a fucking painter. You just can't keep painting dicks or five inch clips every day I'm gonna draw a different five inch clip from a different perspective After a couple weeks of these come and come up to you. That's what that Japanese artist did at the 50 views amount Fuji

What did he do? He it was like he did 50 set different views of the same mountain and all the but But I get what I get we're sitting here. I know you especially at the store every time you show up You have to show up with a different gun. I do feel that way like it I know you like I have to do a different set every time I go up regardless of whether I show by John Wick yeah, you got to show up with 20 weapons like John Wick and There's some nights. I just don't care. I'm just so happy to be there

Like by the time I got to the original room last night It was like I had done a fucking hit a heroin. Yeah, I was you're not no. No, it's not no but my pace was very Slow and then I bang them but it was very slow But then you're written in a main room how to come out of the river Mm-hmm. I had to come out swinging in the main room for my life It's just a different feeling it's swinging in the main room or the original room in the main room I came out swinging from my life. Okay. That's how I feel out of the first round

In the original room, I just sat back in the pocket and smack them around a little bit Yeah, my time If you were gonna ask me that question before I would have reversed it I thought you were always a lot more aggressive in the original room, but last night. I Went up last in the main room So with the positioning where you're at all these things matter. I didn't know they told me already saw a stellar show Yeah, they told me they were going up at 845 when I got that. They said no, they had a swiss schedule So if I was where I was supposed to stay my my energy would have been different

Where I went as the closure of the show. I had to go out there as an animal That's the mindset So this didn't I didn't write this this is the years are doing it. Mm-hmm. This is years of going through the fucking process Yeah, you don't want the show to end like as a bummer And if they just saw an incredible because that's the other thing too is different if it's a bunch of people eating dicks But this is the main room of the comedy store, you know There's a ton of great comedians that just went up if you have to go at the end, you know You have you have to dazzle them. You can't just go up there

Be like so what else about me like you have to fucking close the shell But you also have to Think of who you are and what you are. I don't ever want you to forget who you are because everybody else is having a bad set So you're gonna go up there and try to be no, no, no, you're gonna I've always gone up there for years I went up there with that attitude at the store. I Was never competitive. I Was just like do a die situation because I thought you had to survive I never knew if it was gonna be my last spot. Mm-hmm. I wouldn't when I got to the store. They told me mitzi has the place wired

She hears every set at home. She watches everything and Fucking the first week and I'm there. She put me in the original room in the main sure enough I saw that Monday. She goes, yeah, you have a lot of time in the main room Saturday night And then I jumped on her and said, I don't ever want to go back in there I Told that I don't want to go back. It's crazy. I don't like the main room as much either stay here Yeah, let me just do original room spots. I won't keep will stay friends She was like, oh, no, I'm putting you back in that next week

And that went on for a year. And yeah, I made money because in those days those spots would pay $450 But at the same time it was 20 minutes of horror Like if you see it in all these scary movies, you have no idea. Yeah, you have no it was 20 minutes of horror I'll take a killer clown any day at 1220 Okay, when there's about 84 people. Yeah, that type of shit when it just starts getting real depressing. Yeah And you know, that's where you start from. That's just That's the whole thing. But again, that's as good as it gets the reason why

Why I go into the original room and lay it out like that isn't because I just woke up one day Or somebody took me out on the road. No, no, no, no, no It was all that shit I chiseled off. Mm-hmm Like I have these shows and Buffalo And I know they're gonna be buck wild And I'm just dabbing with the idea of bringing Lee and just throwing him out there to the wolves Is that coming from Canada, and I want to see him throw bottles out Ideas don't throw bottles at me, please. Oh please. I just I'm dabbing with it

I don't know for sure. Jesus Christ. This girl supposed to be featuring for me up there Something happens. I'm not to call you and to throw you through the walls. Okay in Buffalo Just to see why I got drunk. He's gotta learn how to swim somewhere. He's either gonna drown or I've had a glimpse at it this year Like I did I did a show when the knockout of the year was happening like right behind me But it's a it's crazy how The audience really does matter like I noticed that because I just did the main room a week or two ago And then I did the original room the other night, but the main room was more comedy fans like by their podcast people they were comedy fans and the original room was like people who

Go to the open mic. It was kind of it was a it was an interesting how the art like some of the same material They reacted to differently because of what kind of audience they were You know fucking the audience is they're all the same They're all the same don't start categorized But that's what I was talking about about your fans not so much that they appreciate comedy But also that they're good laughers Like whenever people like and I'll ask people in line and stuff like that who are you here to see and when they're there for You that room it just vibrates

They're stoned This is what it is The stone they're excited, you know, I'm excited, you know, I start sending signals out about five o'clock I start sending signals out to the troops letting them know bitch I hope you're getting ready cuz I am I Already went to the gym. I just ordered salmon. I roll the joint I'm gonna go downstairs after room service and smoke a fucking doob Do you realize how cool that would be if other people could get that as their jobs?

If like people could get that excited about them Like you never see like a bunch of people like just outside of a surgeon's office like dude I can't wait till you fucking cope and just cut open my chest. Just get real jazzed about it I think people would do their jobs better if they went they had more cheerleaders like if they had more actual fans I think people start off liking their job Everybody starts off liking your job, you know, especially if you go to college and you went for that specialized Everybody starts You know, we love comedy. Yeah, we love comedy

I think that's what one of the things that people are attracted to us by is that we love the thing so much We love comedy. Yeah, what makes comedy hard? Answer me any use what makes comedy hard us we make it hard. No the business side the business side Yeah, but that's the us part when we're when we're on step all this was about What's that still in comedy? Mm-hmm? This is all this about when you first get up on a state DL. He was at the store last night And I looked at him and I'm like I still remember him Blowing up deaf jam off an emcee spot

Getting a standing ovation And that had to be over 20 years ago. Mm-hmm when he was hosting deaf jam He took it for Martin for a while more Lawrence queer or something. I don't know what the deal was I saw him get a standing ovation as an emcee on HB fucking Oh Well, if he was that good then how deadly and calculated Is he today? That was pure energy off an emcee spot. That was always my dream That's the reason why when I went to the store see a little secret that a lot of people don't know is I had already become a regular

And I was already hosting on Sunday nights, but they said they needed a door man on Sunday nights So I went to mitzvah go mitzvah How about I work the door from seven to ten and then at ten I host and while I do my 15 minutes I have somebody work the door and then when I get off stage in between sets I just have somebody watch the back door and she goes done But she was never there on Sundays, so I scammed it out That's awesome You have to do this to people because at that time

the store had this Overflow of Comics it doesn't have anymore Like you don't see that at all anymore but there was a time when There was an overflow of comics that would go up to the mingle on Any given night, especially if the room look at that that mitzvah would be up there during the week

So a lot of old-time comics And comics would show up there like those hallways that you see now That's all people when I got to the store. That was all comics Waiting for mitzvah to come up to this so they could torment her Mischie we love you can we get your soda so there was all those people up there and there were haters Yeah, that's so gross. So what they would do is in those days are 12 o'clock somebody would come out and They would put a list out and those first 20 people would sign up and those are regulars who didn't get spots

So it would be a bunch of regulars who didn't get spots So what I would do is like the reason why they weren't getting spots It was because they just didn't cut it Yeah, I knew this from the great bond. Yeah, this guy bomb too much This guy bomb in front of mitzvah you hear about it, you know, yeah, so you saw that list I would see the list and go oh This is like six bombs in a row And there's a hundred people in there. Yeah, can't take it. Yeah, I didn't do this for myself for personal reasons

I did this so they could be a longer show Right, so they didn't walk everybody these comics that one would sign up the first 20 were comics that were disgruntled They were pissed off. They were angry. They were jealous, and I don't blame them. I don't I'm not mad at anybody I would never want to be in that position myself At that position. I had nothing at Those years I had nothing but I wasn't as disgruntled as they were right at least I had the hot Sunday night Hosting spot at 10 o'clock That was a cool fucking spot to have

Okay, so it would be the open mic friends and neighbors whatever the fuck program Brother family and then they would have they would slip a few regular door people in there Sure, and then I would come up at 10 and do 10 minutes So what I would do on Sunday nights was I would pace it out The first Sunday I would call Paul Mooney Go Paul Mooney. I'm hosting tonight, bro. If you're there at 10 15, I'll put you on you can do how much time you want to do You Yeah, I got you and he'd say okay, brother. I'll be down and he get there sure enough 10 o'clock

I'd fucking get off stage to Paul Mooney So I can leave So I would fucking I Would get up go outside get down by a single dot is the list you want to host the rest of that? And the next day I would find out that Mooney didn't now So by that time it's Mooney by the time Mooney got off they lost 40 people and those guys could get on stage But those 20 comics Would be back there

fucking furious Furious, and I would never say it was me. I would always go. What do you want me to do stop Paul Mooney from going on stage? So I had a list I had Mooney Eddie Griffin Rogan Dice. Oh, wow, so I would rotate them So every Sunday I would call them and say hey, I know you're interested in doing an hour Come on down do your hour. I'm gonna get off stage at 10 10 And I did get there and I get on stage and bring them up

And I give Don Barris the paperwork And I go buy a fucking grandma blow I know the bathroom and do it and wait for fucking the guy that dressed up like Jesus Christ to come in That he used to hate Jewish people so he used to put his finger under his nose Then he locked himself in the meds bathroom, and they kicked the door down to get him a rob robber to the fire Every Sunday night. I dealt with Luna takes up there. He's still there. No, he's not yes He is he wears a green jacket. Yes. He goes on stage and he talks about yeah Look at that. What does he look like now? He looks old and crazy

I'm certain it just as crazy as he did when you saw he just told me they accused me of lighting them on fire one night I wish you had I was in Miami, and I get a call from the town It sounds like something you might have done. I was thinking about it, but I talked about it I think about it every time I'm working because it was a firebomb what happened was he would lock himself in the men's bathroom Right by the window. Mm-hmm. Now. You don't know how many times there was comics that actually put mirrors There was one comic in particular with no names no names sure sure In fact, I just saw him on Facebook. He's not a comic no more He had a mirror in that bathroom, and you could see girls pissing and shit

Do you know you had to do it? Oh, yeah, do it sit on the stairs and look at the mirror Oh, wow this guy was a filthy animal. That's why he's not a comic no more We would always sit there and talk shit in those days What's his name the guy that hosts that night the ding-dong show yeah, I'm there's Tom Barris With torment Robert a provider they would go at it so bad That Robert a provider would lock himself in the men's bathroom For hours they'd have to bang on the door. They still go at it. No he calls him a racist pedophile. Yes So they this this is real so one now. I'm sitting and I'm like, why doesn't somebody just light a fire and

Throw it into the window like toilet paper put gasoline on it I watched the burning bed once too many times and throw it in there Well fucking do you know I'm out of town a month later? Somebody threw a toilet paper roll down fire and he couldn't turn it off in the toilet But something happened in the men's bathroom I get a call on a Monday that you said I'm on fire. No, I'm in Miami There was so much drama with him on Sunday nights Like it was craziness. I

Used to be there. I think I hosted three years. I'm something you did not do that for three years Yes, I did every Sunday. Oh, I get out with gorillas dog But I had to be there what working the door okay from seven to ten So I would hear all the chitter chatter and all the bullshit and all the hop from I can't go up number three I deserve it. Where's Mitzi when it's Mitzi coming down when Mitzi comes down. Yeah, I'm gonna straighten this problem I everybody had a story with Mitzi everybody had a fucking story Right, I just got to the point where I would tell people listen. I don't want to hear your fucking stories The other day I was driving on a low okay, and I told him but this creepy guy

That I'll put odds down that if I looked that guy up He molested somewhere somebody somewhere along the line. He was bald He'd wear a long jacket and he come up there and tell you about all the gigs he'd do This is before the internet. I would never look him up. He dropped names And I let him go for about an hour and I look at him and go. Yeah But you're not doing any spots here And he would just crack you would hear And he would walk away

I've done that to a few people because he was so annoying on Sunday nights talk. I would get tormented. Yeah, of course Because you're the only one there and so you're the only you're wearing the logo So they they just feel no, I didn't have a t-shirt. I would wear my own clothes But they would still unload all their shit on you load their shit on me It was every week then that other guy started bothering me though. They said I killed the old man You killed one too. Oh, you set one on fire and you killed one man They're really forgiving at the store. This guy was a fucking old guy. That was crazy He would he was crazy and he had his moments of being nice

But then by the end of the night the medication would wear off and always ended with him marching off throwing a bottle At the wall and saying a bunch of shit. This is mental health at its finest. I Mean we've seen mental health. This is this is when you go to an open mic In a small town like when you first start out like I want when I started in Denver Mm-hmm. I was just talking about the guy that was what's his name the man of a thousand voices Yeah, and he only heard two everybody. Yeah, he had one shitty voice You know the day he had his tape recorder and he was hitting his tape record the guy bombed And he was hitting his tape recorder and he fucking kept selling I go. What's the matter?

He goes this thing doesn't pick up the laughter. I mean when you're that delusional and I moved to Seattle And you should have seen the open micers up there on the Monday night If that was 16 open micers Six of them could legally be declared And I know two of them I know One of them who killed himself from that crew for sure Another one who wanted to kill herself for sure That was when I learned that there was a problem in our community. Oh, yeah, and I started doubting who I was

Why because this is what you go through as a comic When you read because I got thrown out of Denver, so I went to Seattle When I got to Seattle Monday nights were Josh Wolf Okay, Brodie Stevens. Mm-hmm. Take them a new Mitch Hedberg Chard Hogan all these comics, but there was this one blonde comic that would come up every week when I handcuffed And he would just go up there and fight for his life and then come off Explained the situation to you. I mean I saw some shit rather than Seattle

I was working on open mic one night when a comic walked in he was holding his side But I go what's up? They goes man get me a towel. My wife just stabbed me I Wrapped himself up and went up on stage and did his six minutes and then went to the house That's mental health issues right there There was another guy who would go up on stage for six. I missed that that doesn't happen at a nice anymore No, now it's just everybody's anxious and no, no, no, come on Every every 20 up in my we get a skit so in here and once in a while keep things interesting. The problem is there's no open mic

here like that because the The stakes are different Again, this is why I do not like this place Because the stakes are different An open mic in Houston an open mic in Orlando open mic in Syracuse an open mic in Michigan is a complete different open mic And you're gonna see in Los Angeles. That's sure Okay, Los Angeles is is a complete different. It's a different dream Mm-hmm. It's a different thing. It's a different you start talking to people and you see that you're not really in love with comedy

You're in love with the dream of being a star You think by coming down here three times a week. This is gonna save you and change your life It's a whole lifestyle that you have to adhere to so I've seen him come and go especially at the store guys that had Way more talent guys that wrote you could tell that they wrote yeah They just the pressures of LA were just too much the ups and downs the whatever That's because they never had the foundation

That foundation of not caring see when I do an open mic in Michigan I'm not worried about the guy from APA being in the audience Yeah, well, I do when I'm an open mic in Michigan the first two years. Nobody talks to you about a headshot You don't give a shit No, they're too busy talking about dick jokes like a porn titles. Yeah You're taking pictures of your license and give them to people. That's my headshot You know the first two years you're thinking your emphasis is on stand-up, right? It's not about what ifs This that's what I don't like about LA

Because the stakes are different You know when you talk to people in San Francisco, they can't wait to come to LA Because the stakes are different But they have to stay in their hometown and build the foundation I tell that to people all the time the foundation. Yeah to be safe. It's six to eight years Just to be safe just to be safe at all angles So you I want you to come back and tell me about when you slept in your car when You get to the whole town all the rooms would check that when you had to share a room with the headliner

He lost the leg of Vietnam So the whole night you had to stare at his leg hanging on the wall, you know, you have no idea. Yeah, it's not the stage part It's the living through that Daily struggle that's what builds you up. That's what makes other comics relate to you So by the time you get here, nothing could really bother you. Mm-hmm. Like you well, I got a city until 1230 All right, I've heard I've done worse I've had to sit outside a hotel overnight to wait to check in at three and you're in there at 301. How you doing? Hi, Joe Diaz. Yeah, I'm one of the comedians

You've been in your car sticking it up fought eating subway sandwiches fast food and flatulence rolling roaches Like you're just rolling roaches that are fucking in your car You're ripping them apart trying to make them Yeah, you got change in your fucking you got I had a box of change. I'll never forget that change box I was hitting under the front seat and that was like going that Like I didn't know how much exact was in there. I'd be like $18 Like I still remember leaving Boulder for the road the first time I had two licenses Like I thought I'd lost my license and I got another one

Mm-hmm. I'll never forget filling up the car and telling the guy didn't have no cash. Here's my license I'll be back in five minutes and not paying Like I probably got a warning in Boulder for 20 hours But it's amazing well, that's the difference that people don't see Mm-hmm, you know before Bill Burr was Bill Burr. He had to get booed to death in Boston Thousands and millions of people saw that video Philadelphia by that time. Yeah Philadelphia by that time Bill Burr I've been doing comedy 15 20 years. Yeah, and you're still getting booed at that's what people don't realize. I've noticed the The

Well, that's why it doesn't make sense for me when the young ones they're like two years in and they want to move here And I'm like, why would you want all this additional pressure? Like it doesn't make any sense you should go and Fall in love with it for real and then come here and endure this because if you're not if you come out here When you're half-assed into it would do this Why who would I remember times living well at 99 I had no brakes on my car. I can hear I've done that. I've done that. Do you do you pull the 90 with no brakes no insurance and no registration

And I don't be fucking breaking here in the metal chair. Oh my god You feather the e-brake feather the e-brake when is this gonna end my life And that car got towed with everything I owned in it headshots boxing love mine was stolen When I was living out of my car my car got stolen where that way no in Florida I was in Florida. I was just coming back from being on the road So like and at the time I had like ten thousand dollars with a camera equipment I'd like I like started a crew and camera equipment over the years too because then I was taking pictures of people and shit So I would just do people's headshots. I was that was another way. I would make extra money on the road

I was always into a side scam like I used to sell weed. I used to sell drugs Whatever anything I could do to so I didn't have to stop doing stand-up Everything else was always just like a symptom of me being able to have enough money that I could keep doing stand-up And then I came back and my car got stolen. They stole it to like commit a bunch of crimes in and Then so I lost all my shit Everything I had all my clothes in there on my toiletries had a bite had a bind new toothbrush Why did you get into stand-up County? What made you fall in love with the art? I was a fan of it when I was a little kid like the first one

Bill Cosby himself and like Gallagher was And I don't remember which which one it was the one where there is a big couch at the end Where he jumps on the couch and he pulls all the stuff everything has it Everybody has in their couch or something like that and then Robin Williams night at the Roxy So then I just used to like you know how like little like a lot of times little kids will want to watch frozen over and over and over again I just used to do that but with stand-up specials And what made you to finally decided to take the plunge did you tell your mom and dad?

No, I mean I tried to keep it from a long time you got on stage 22 22 and you knew at that point when you got on stage. This is what you wanted to do why didn't I guess I didn't know at first because I Used to do I would did debate when I was in high school. I was a theater kid I used to sing in choirs and shit so I was in front of people but I wasn't doing the thing that I wanted to do which was the hardest one so I was just scared of it and then Even Mike I used to sell timeshare of the phone and even like my boss at that job was like what the fuck are you doing here?

You're like you should be doing something else and her next-door neighbor was engaged to a comedian And I didn't know you could just be a comedian. I didn't know you could just do it So I was just I thought you like they hand-pick you because you were this brilliant talented thing And that was it. You just had to get discovered. I didn't know there were like there were poor comedians And then I was like, well, I could be a I could be a poor comedian So then I started I started going to open mics. I did that that classic Comedian deal where I was like if I go up if I get any laughs I'll come back and do it and I didn't write anything beforehand. It was all completely improvised. I just bullshit

I made up a whole story When I was on stage and I got a laugh so I came I came back Did you tell your mom and dad you were doing it at this point? No I didn't tell him for that for a while What they think when you first told them well, I mean my dad told me he would never support me if I went into the arts But he told me that when I was a kid. So I didn't really Really care what he thought but my mom was always like she was always supportive. What did your dad want you to be? He wanted me to be uh, I think an accountant. Did you have sisters or brothers? Yeah, I have a half sister

Okay, so he wanted you to be an accountant. Why is he a fucking accountant? No He has an eighth grade He's a eight. He went to school up to eighth grade and then stopped going to school where Well, he started in Cuba and then when he would he finished it in Jersey. He's a New Jersey Cuban guy from what? What part of Jersey the Union City is he so we know each other maybe yes He's probably like 10 years 10 or 15 years old. Yeah, he's probably like 10 years old really or maybe no Maybe like six or seven. Yeah, we know each other. Yeah, maybe So he quit going to school in the eighth grade to get a job

Yeah, I was the upbringing. He loved you, but he was strict as fuck and insane Yeah, he's like he's like he's like the unique kind of bipolar that changes really fast. So He was absolutely nuts. What's bipolar mean that he's angry one minute and happy another Or depressed or an angry. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What was he doing for a living at that time? He was working at a bakery he worked for the merida bread factory in Orlando And then he also worked for East Balt bakery, which is like the the factory that would make the buns for McDonald's No shit. Mm-hmm All school Cuban. Yeah

What does he do now now? He don't do shit. He's retired He's to talk to mm-hmm. You type with him. I mean I Still fight with him. He likes to fight. So I'll fight with him Do you call him to try to rev him up? Sometimes he calls me to try to try to rev me up That's great Yeah, and she can't take it yet. Yes, she could That's what we do is Cuban dad. We push the envelope

Stop being a Cuban dad stop being a dad is it? Yeah, it's tough. He is a lot of shit to consider especially now the With everything that's happened the last couple years You have to adjust I think there's always been no way to raise your daughter And the girls I grew up with a lot of the girls I grew up with their parents for the good job I'm looking at these girls and I'm thinking back about going to the house as a kid and just being friends with them Nothing sexual going to their basement and party and and how their dads were How their parents were I try to mimic their actions because their daughters came out

Listen, they're not rocket scientists, right, but they're not out there fucking sucking 20 dicks on beam pole Upside down singing daddy issues. They're all married. They have kids But a lot of times you can't control some of the shit that happens to your kids well You know what I mean like my parents Tried to pretend my dad was super strict and I still ended up getting molested He couldn't fucking change that because he didn't know what's happening from the inside of the family You know what I mean? There's some shit that you just you as much as stricter as whatever that you want to try to do

Sometimes you can't you can't be there all the time, you know So that's what you should just also have a good commute like communication Like if I would have been comfortable if I wasn't have been scared of my dad I would have been able to talk to him about some shit that happened to me, you know But I didn't feel safe at home either because he was always so strict and so insane. So I was like You I think you have to be able to do both, you know, I talked to my daughter a lot. Mm-hmm. I talked to I Told my wife to she had it so she was five and then after five Mm-hmm. I got to take it down a long road because that's what we do

You have to push your daughter a little bit just so she sees absolutely And I write every day for her I write a journal for us or something happens to me She knows what the fuck I am She has nothing here at second hand or anything like that. Just I Wanted to be a piece as a woman, you know, that's I think I mean a lot of women in my business There aren't a piece and they're chasing it for peace and then they get married have a kid and there goes the career After when I don't understand them no more whatever the fuck they would do. Yeah, I don't know Just there's so many different reasons why

People do stand-ups, but back to the mental health issue. That was scary When I got into comedy like how many people were there with mental health issues But you didn't have the balls to tell me I Would look at them and smile and say God bless them There before the grace of God go I let them think whatever they want to think There was one in Seattle in particular that was a man and she became a woman and she was the ugliest thing You've ever saw in your life. Oh, and I know effort. Oh my god And if you saw her hands, you could tell she was a man and they were big creepy hands

And she would put nails on them and look like this fucking animal and she was four foot eight And she would wear heels and she would wear a wig And she would put makeup on they had done the whole thing one-on-jokes was they cut my dick off and I have it in a jar at the house There was mental health issues running there Like the government at that time she had more opiates than anybody. Well, yeah Like she had purses filled the pills like you know And she kind of like that she had diabetes something they told us not to drink and she kept drinking but it was too big Like when she was a man was too big. Yeah, because when you're a man and you become a woman

Something happens. I don't know. Oh and they start taking like the hormones. Yeah, I had got really big so we throw her balance off Oh, wow So this time she'd be walking and she'd fall like a Betty Boop. She just fall over she'd go on stage at dance clubs And dance and have a couple drinks on her and a balance ago and she'd fall on that That's what she finally died of she landed on a fucking coconut went to a coma. Oh, no and died The kid Jeff shouldn't drink at a margaritaville. Why would you drink at a place with coconuts? I don't know. I didn't ask her. I she just landed on her head and fucking went into a coma

and then fucking uh The kid that used to put the handcuff on Jeff whatever his fucking name is He hung himself I worked with one of those lunatics from Seattle He used to do this bit at the end where he would uh, he would do a strip dance and end up in a thong Did you ever work with that guy? And he was uh, like we worked together in

Milwaukee, wisconsin and the comedy club in the basement of a strip club And he would go up there And he would he kept telling everybody that he was sober But then he would go and get shit housed And then I would have to take care of him and I didn't fucking know that guy. I just met him But the club's like, all right. Here you go Is this club still open? I know. I mean, it was just a london. I'm like a money laundering comedy club It wasn't like a legit. They didn't give a fuck about the show

All their money was being made upstairs. It wasn't milwaukee. Yeah, milwaukee's always had like a weird scene The comedy club was but that comic was from seattle The comic that you that was crazy. Yeah Yeah, I don't know. I left seattle 20 years ago. So god knows what the fuck is going on up there now I'll tell you his name after the podcast. I'm pretty sure you know who he is It's funny that I just bumped into one of the guys from seattle when I was in portland David crow fucking great guy great funny. Yeah, david crow. But david crow is no fucking joke, man. Yeah and it was weird because

I always think of those guys that didn't make the move down here that really could have been stars Like david crow If he would have came down he would have nailed star. But he still makes a ton of money doing corporates. Yeah, he does a great job He lives up in seattle. He's happy. He's got his farm in the whole fucking deal. I think he's got a farm There's another guy that I always think about rod long A black dude. He's older from 56. He's got to be 66 65 64 He always made me fucking laugh and he took care of me too up there

It's just weird the people that you've done 13 fucking years of comedy. Yeah, I know how long have you been in that life for? Uh in april, it'll be three years three years. So you moved out here at the 10 year mark. Yeah 10 years 10 grand And you have an agent the whole thing. Um, I actually just started talking with uh, andy from bro steam. Okay So that's good. And he's a good man. Yeah, he is. I called him yesterday Because that's his favorite restaurant. Oh, really? Yeah, peter lugas his favorite restaurant So I called him. I said, guess what? I'll be tomorrow at 345

1245 your time I'll be in fucking peter lugas With r. He should feel living like a fucking doctor in there So, yeah, he was like god damn it. I couldn't get in It's fun. I have this audition next week Somebody called me and they're like, ah, we want you to read for this role or whatever And I got the role and I uh You know, I did what I usually do

I read it and then I read it twice and then I yellowed out You know, I put the yellow magic marker and then after that I fucking Read it stone a couple times and I start making notes And then right before I start getting into the middle of things I go into my little I have a notebook just for acting over the years It's just gotten so slow for years. I would go through a notebook or two a year I would just audition who the casting director was You'd keep a log of all that all that. Wow, really?

Yeah, you gotta see who you go into who gets christmas cards at the end of the year You know, I would make sure they all got thank you cards after the audition, you know, it's it's Man, I never thought to do that. It's boring. It's boring shit. Yeah, but if you don't do it, you're gonna regret it And it's good to see what your numbers are at the end of the year and where you are and how many callbacks you got I used to get I used to call those no those notebooks my callback notebooks Because all I wanted was a callback That's all I'm looking for. I wasn't even looking the book So when I started this program

It was called the callback And then the second year the product the project was called the second callback The third year the project was called book it. Yeah, and every year after year was called book it So I would have the notebook in there and the first page Would just be all the dates The casting director and all that stuff and then once you open the notebook I would leave another page blank And then everything after that which was each

audition on the page So let's say I was reading for Donnie Brasco. Sure. I would say Donnie Brasco to 17 2001 and I would put the name of the character Sonny black and then I would put the casting director underneath And then I would read the sides and break the character down If his name was Leo, I would call him Leo LaRosha

Give him a back name and I would write what the character was who he was How he got into the mob What crime family who his wife was I would just write this fake biography about this guy And I would have something to work with and then I would take the scenes And look oh cut the scenes and how many scenes like for this audition I have on monday It's gonna get cut to two scenes So I would look at the scenes and dissect the scenes What's really happening in the first scene and what's really happening in the second scene?

Yeah, and what happens like right before the scene right what happens right after And then afterward In 2001 When we couldn't make rent rent for 700 dollars and me and my wife couldn't make rent My wife put away money and got me a birthday present And it was to go the ucla To go to a ludigiamo casting session, right? And it was called the subject is casting and in my hand right now. I'm still holding the original paperwork

That it says And when I read this I took this and I combined it with the principles of the comedy store And I started booking like a fucking machine Really do you understand me like at that point at this point I had done like maybe 70 auditions I had auditioned for the sopranos I had auditioned for rona crests. I had auditioned for some big names And I would get callbacks and get nervous as shit and the The sides would shake when I was reading at the callbacks and stuff. But once I read this

I made myself read this before every audition So as I'm preparing I would read this and I would make notes In the audition to where I would have to and how I would have to make choices And this is what it says says the subject of casting and listen to how it compares to stand-up This is a subject of casting ludigiamo helpful tips concerning auditions Just like a joke make strong acting choices

That means in the joke is to stand behind your joke Don't say the joke like a pussy if you're gonna say it say it say it. I don't say it at all. Yeah passion either have it or go home Anything goes Commitment to preparation commitment to your choices in the room A star has to be dangerous and unpredictable The big sell is selling you to you Persistence you are unique Perseverance listen

Acting as a career not a job Rejection should be pleasant Non-excuse to leave the business one. Yes makes up a 50 no's at least Charles Durning for 11 years had no acting jobs hang in there. You win the part in the moment Make that moment that shit kills me. That's when I fucking start I know exactly what he's talking about. Yeah, because you see it when actors do it in their work Two reasons for the audition to get the job is the first reason But the real reason is to be remembered

You can't be a defeatist in the world Otherwise don't go don't audition stay home. Give that audition up and burn it burn the fucking room It says Prepare prepare prepare it can be done and you can do it if you want a part go after it A beautiful model came and wasn't good at all that good excited bubbly fresh But not that good the next day she went she sent me a letter. I thought I I'd better look at her tape again She made me think twice so do something anything

But do something don't give up You always have a choice even when you lose if you lose losing the blades of goat lorry Instead of losing to passivity make strong choices. You may influence someone for the next time Somehow you have to take a risk you have to light a firecracker on the ass And do something that seems to be totally off the wall for the character Which is stand up. Yeah That's it. Mm-hmm Listen to those words again totally off the wall

To light a firecracker on the ass And do something that seems totally off the wall For the character the fucking ball is in your court But you don't know it you think you're a fucking victim and you're scared and you're afraid Casting directors have a problem and they're calling you to come in and solve it Just like when you have a plumbing problem you call a plumber you have an acting problem You call an actor the actor has to come in and do it and when you solve it the casting people are happy So come in with your version. It goes like this my ideas my reading

I hope you like them. You don't okay next time Shake it up. Don't settle In some way be furious acting without risk challenge and conflict is not worth doing An artist and it is a rebel and unpredictable The audition space is yours. The time is yours. Don't waste it Don't come in with a chip on your shoulder. Get rid of your hostile attitude focus It's all about focus give yourself a license for imagination That fucking destroys me

A license for imagination That's why I tell my daughter constantly when we when we draw. Yeah when we fucking call her at night I tell her what differences it may there's no, you know, I go off on it and she gets it now And her aren't improved that so much that they Has to be in the animation project next year when she turns really? Oh, that's awesome The job is yours until you lose it That's such a better way. It's a better way to think about it acting as a lifetime journey an actor's a magician He transports us to another time and place

He makes us believe he's someone else while we're watching we forget about ourselves and our concerns This is this little worksheet as like I said is fucking fuck me up Because I always go through it and it makes me a fucking savage Yeah, just basically just telling you to be confident in your choices and take risks And there's nights even before I go down to the comedy store But I will take this out and read it and get like fired the fuck up. Yeah So when I get down, look at this. It's like a good mantra. This still has Me writing down agents to send emails to packages

Nancy at the Daniel Ha See how at aqua This is fucking old shit here my friends, you know what I'm saying? But that's what people understand that it's done the same way every time Like I don't miss a step not because I invented this Because that's what they tell you there's steps to this

There's steps all along the way, you know, and uh, they're not gonna be easy They're not gonna be easy and that's why I applaud the fuck out of you Because you just feel this man. You're in the fucking you're at the lion's den You're a door girl at the lion's day That means any of those what happened then they kill a girl last week then the lion killed a fucking girl last week in a case We didn't kill me though. No I think we did a zoo or something at a zoo or something fucking poor girl. I thought she was a veterinary's assistant Some lion's just fucking a that you're a fucking door girl at that, you know, so

Do you think he got an education by watching those other comics? Absolutely I think there's I think I learned I think because I used to go even before I worked there when I moved to los angeles I would still come I would come and watch Because I think that's another thing that's lost is a lot of times, uh Comics don't watch each other anymore. They don't watch people. It's better. I told Lee sciat to make a night one night Where he just goes to watch calmly and to take a date So he has to sit there and he has to feel like that person

To make you a better comic. I want you have to go on it Like I went on a date to see Doug Stan hold my girlfriend at the time And it was so much such a shocking experience. I canceled my gig the next day and thought about quitting comedy Because I got to see inside the you know, you have to see like don't sit in the front row. That's too much pressure No, no, no, no, no, no, you have to like in the third row and watch a comedy show As a pedestrian now that you've been doing it For a year and a half and see what they feel like while you're on stage And you're gonna it's gonna scare you. That's when you see the animal from within

That's when you you know when you're fingering it and you open up a quick look in there That's what you see And you said there's like a missing part and you're like, I don't know if I want to keep dating There's not a wing there. There's a missing two. She's missing a wing She's missing a two. Her clip's like five inches. I can't I can't do it Would you stop with the five inch clip? He's gonna have a nightmare about it You're bragging about that five inch clip. He makes somebody's nose with it. I'm telling you it's fun

You're bragging about that nine inch clip clip now wait till you're 50 and it hangs between your legs like my balls And you can't do doggy style because it looks like an oxygen mess like a guy gets under it And he could just pull over his head. It looks like a fucking jellyfish that's flowing out there I swear to god, I used to date a chick then we did a doggy style the curtains It was like the gay guy pulled the stick and the curtains would just drop. I was younger And I liked that she was hot and shit, but that should turn me off But the wings would you can see that you could see the curtains from the back The curtains would fall and they had like if she moved they would move they were so long

Oh, like they'd like And she was sexy, but the wings were a little long Do you think we'd go to the knee? No It was just like a couple inches longer like a little penis and they cut it out in the hospital But left the skin they split it in half But some women's wings are tight like the shit is tight it hangs on to it's got like crazy glue And the back flap sticks to the sides of it. No hers just dropped

But I didn't know it to you to the doggy style by that time we were dating a while. Who cares? You know what I'm saying? What are you gonna do? You can't at that point? I mean, you're still gonna come who gives a shit? Yeah, she's got handy curtains. You can't you know, I don't know. I don't look at me. Look at my face I'm no fucking Vito Smadarelli. You know what I'm saying? I gotta take what they're giving You know knowing that you're not Vito Smadarelli Makes a big difference in your life for sure. There's guys that walk around thinking they're fucking, uh, you know, Vinny darkness And meanwhile, I don't know that about nothing I didn't wonder why nothing happens

And then they think the recorders broke because it's not picking up the laughs What a fucking dummy I had somebody I just worked with somebody like that. They told me they hadn't I watched them eat a big Dick on stage and then afterwards they said they hadn't bombed in 10 years They told me that they hadn't bombed in 10 years. Do you realize how delusional? You have to be to not think you bombed in 10 years Because you did I don't give a fuck who you are I don't give a fuck if you are Dave Chappelle. You didn't you have bombed within 10 years

I was living in seattle in an apartment I had a bad mattress on the floor I was living with a guy named mark madison He's still around He was in san diego. He does comedy from time to time. We were all friends me and All of us were friends That a house we rented from nothing It was like two years from being condemned to crack house. They weren't mice or anything. It just wasn't a happy house

You know, he did all the cooking in there and no, no, no, no He did all the cooking in there and uh And he did all that shit in there mark madison. I never cooked nothing or anything But I still remember sitting on my fucking milk crate Like I had a milk crate in my room that I would sit on and write jokes And the phone was right there and getting a call from that guy That delusional guy and telling me if I had five minutes to talk to him Like oh, what's going on? He goes they hired me as a headliner on tuesday

And then I got the motor to a feature Then thursday the guy said I was have to host I don't know what to do. Should I quit and I remember how heartbroken that was that as bad of a situation I was I was featuring Was that a good feature at the time? Right, you know saying I had 18 minutes If I had if I caught a good way of improvising I'd go 26 25. Yeah, but this poor bass had been demoted to a host

From a headliner from a headliner because Like I said, he banged older women and they paid for all His tuxedos and shit and he his fucking packaging was beautiful He had headshots for all the characters. He thought he was yeah, like he had him dressed in white doing scarface or machine guns Him is Pacino. Him is denaro. Him is jack mickleson. He couldn't do any one of their voices at all. He was It was so sad And I saw me the bag of dicks like three times Like not bomb, but just like yeah

No, that's nothing And that's the last time we're talking about where I talked to a mutual friend of ours. I always ask him Have you ever heard from me and he goes nah, I already lost his mind So many guys I started comedy with and then there's a couple there was one good good guy that I was friends with And he tried to kill himself So every time I would see him I'd hug him and whisper in his ear I'm checking you for weapons And he would giggle and we were good friends and eventually he shot himself

A couple years ago. His name was p. J. Moore. God rest his soul It's so weird how When you're at that level of open micro 50% of it is mental health I'm not putting anybody down at all. I'm just telling you a reality if you think about it If you're an open micro right now and you're living the life Next time you go to the big city open mic. Look around you Look at the people that are around you

And listen, god bless them. I'm not putting anybody down for trying comedy But at that level there's a lot of just Crazy people the store. Yeah, it's the mic's open. That means anybody the sunday There's no vetting process used to be I mean boom chakalaka turned out not to kill any buddy Yeah, but years ago. I thought boom chakalaka. Sometimes he dresses up like a man Sometimes he dresses up like a woman. He's got hiv. You know that and he would bring his buddies with Now he comes alone boom chakalaka always brought a buddy with him or something

He always had an album to show you a sweet out of a guy. I love when I see him now I just laughed that out of all the survivors. Yeah boom chakalaka is still around and all the people talk shit They love comedy and I can't see myself not doing this That boom chakalaka is still fucking around And it's it's just crazy that they think they're they're killing Like I'm just I'm just thinking about the ones that I've seen there's a level on the road of comics that are very disgruntled alcoholism Runs deep drug dealing, you know drug

Use I was one of those guys You know, you don't get to work in a room every week You don't get to open up a day with Tal and Joe Rogan every week You got to go up there to these rooms that Are sea rooms and open up for guys that at one time had a dream And something ruined it. Yeah, and they're angry now They're angry at you as soon as you mention la Oh boy, do you get a fucking ear beaten?

I lived in LA for a while. Oh LA socks Yeah, nobody does nothing for you. I'm the funniest guy. I could I could talk anybody I could fuck them get a standing ovation every night the improv and nobody would care for me Nobody could follow me. There was a kid that every time I saw him. That was the story Nobody could follow me dog Nobody could follow Did you follow him? He's gone

He couldn't follow himself Mr. Nobody could follow people who hire me to go on the road, but then They fire me because they can't follow me. Really? That's what happened. Yeah, that's what happened They're making fucking 200 000 a night and they fired you because they can't follow you. Okay. Keep telling yourself that Yeah, there was I went through all that shit. So that's why I don't listen to it. I know Just by doing it you just know You could look at somebody and see them Different things that they tell you that they're young comic

Oh, yeah, and if I see it other people gonna see it So you don't want those people to really see you Until you're fucking really fucking throwing. That's why I tell them not to come out here Don't come out here until you have your shit together If you don't know who the fuck you are You don't have your voice don't fucking come here and figure it out Because first of all, there's not a lot of time for you to figure it out and second of all It's uh, gonna drive you insane trying to start a comedy

That club closed in Orlando. Yeah, how long did it take for you to reopen? Um, it was like four years. I think four years So I only had B and C rooms to learn how to be a comedian It was all fucking vfw's and like holiday in uh lounges in fucking coffee shops And again like seafood restaurants where they didn't know comedy was happening just some promoter convinced a guy to give him 400 bucks to do a show Imagine that. Yeah, I can't imagine And they go up there with that fucked up microphone and shit good evening. How you doing faces over here?

The people are wiping their mouths And you're like, how you doing? I don't know if you guys are aware we do a little comedy night here Where we have great comedians that you see on mbc cbs hbo These guys haven't been seen on public access And you're up there lying to their faces and shit and then and and then there's the white people really get excited like, oh my god It's oh The first guy goes up there starts talking about abortion He kicked the aborted child the one unborn baby

He ran over his mother's head and these people are sitting there going. What the fuck Just trying to eat my fucking tilapia. Why is that? Why am I getting us verbally assaulted? Oh my god, awesome You see the fucking the restaurant manager run to the mother And goes down to stop talking about abortions. You know what i'm saying like, oh my god, those rooms are hell Nobody looks at you you leave dead defeated like you leave there With your 30 bucks and you want to rip up the 30 bucks. You're like, I don't even want to spend the 30 bucks I don't even want to put it in my car because my car's on the blow up on the drive home There used to be a mexican restaurant and denver. I used to just go there to bomb

And it was typical because there's a 40 minute ride. So it was a long ride home El Torrito and they gave you a dinner and you got a 25 dollar gift certificate. Oh, wow come back in those days So dawg when things are bad. Yeah, that's worth the 40 minute drive free food Out to El Torrito and get the worst mexican food at that time That food is so bad. They had one on burbank bouvard right by the tonight show and they knocked it down Oh, really? Yeah across the street from mbc. It was the last out. No, I think the one in Huntington beach is still open It was supposed to be at the house of margaritas. It took my wife there. We both were fucking sick

For three days. We got the appetizers during a happy hour. You shit blood for three fucking days. It was terrible We're calm and i'm happy that you're out here and you found your voice and i'm happy you're the second door woman Thank you in comedy store hitzery. Mitsy sure is looking down and you're going, huh? I don't like her I hope so. I hope she's not just mad that there's a broad here No no

You know, I get pissed off when I hear stupidity And I used to hear a lot of it murmurs of it And it was like throwing at me like I would take offense for it like all the comedy store doesn't handle the women, you know Look at the spline ups every night. There's only two fucking women, you know But here's the other thing uh, nobody takes in consideration is a lot of times those women are already working Yeah, it also has to be based on who's available Like I can't tell you how many times I get asked to do the same show To do like three different shows on the same night, you know, there's only so many places I can be

But you'd be at the comedy store first We yet without question What i'm saying is that they always for years the last like two or three years. I've heard that there's been lawsuits And shit women have complained. There's not enough spots at the store. Well, guess what? Not only did I save all the jokes I did in all the auditions I went I've also I've also I have every night that I went up to line up From 1997 you wrote every time you've gone up at the store. No, I stole the page Did you really? Yeah

So I got every lineup I was on So people could see I was a real killer 20 years from now when I do my book and you see some of the early line ups Where I went up. I got some early line ups. That's awesome. I have a notebook at the bottom of a draw That is four inches thick and it's every Call sheet I've ever gotten with the mini script. Oh, yeah Because when you book a job you get a call sheet, which is your name with a number

And then it shows you what scenes you're in you're in scene 82 83 b I saved all my call sheets. It's this fucking thick It's two yellow middle envelopes And it's got like everything There's one that's every audition I went on like I look at it and I get tears in my eyes Like the auditions I went on like I went on um will smith Let him black. Yeah, I went I used to go out for shit like that and I was not ready for it at all And I'd walk into a room

With these seasoned actors and I would lose I would lose from the start, you know, like I would go and then go fuck. I'm defeated And then when they I started thinking like wait a second. Fuck these bitches They never bombed in buffalo Like that was my roughest bombing ever. Yeah the 2001 2002 the roughest bombing I ever had Was where I do the best now today Oh, yeah, buffalo. Yeah, like that's the first time I went home Well, of course if it hurts you the most you're gonna dominate it the best

You'll show that bitch, you know, you have those sets you have those You have accomplishments every 90 days when you're a comedian But you also have setbacks. It's a it's a rough thing to say And it's a rough thing to understand You also have little setbacks every couple days And it's rough to make you wait for those 90 days To for something good to happen, you know Yeah, but it's one of those bombings

That stays with you like for a long time. I still have specific bombings And buffalo was one of those places that was to the bone. Yeah, it hurt you like I was already irregular at the store I was doing shows around town. I wasn't supposed to be bombing Like in my mind, I'm not supposed to be bombing what I did and fucking It was it was mind-boggling when I went to my hope that it was a condo then Of course the condo and I just went in that fucking room. I was disgusted I was like, man, I don't know. I should just I was in Buffalo. You so you finally you did so bad. You deserve the condo I did so bad. I thought it was just staying in Jersey. Like not even coming back down like

I'm not even gonna they don't know. I just I live here now You got any dates coming up? Um, yes, I do What's your nearest date? My nearest date coming up is um going Um, I'm gonna be headlining cobs on march 6th. Okay Yeah, just you alone Yeah, that's a big fucking room

I've never been there. It's my first time going and I'll be at the Throckmorton the day before at the fifth Okay, the Throckmorton and then the sixth that cobs in San Francisco. You'll be headlining cobs when you open for Maria again Um, I don't know. I don't have anything on there. She just calls you whenever she's ready. She's she's actually my landlord. Is she really? Yeah That's a good way. Don't just tell you don't have the right I mean I don't have rent, but I saw that you're going to san Antonio in a few weeks. So yeah, yeah, that's it Why don't you take me to san Antonio and I'll cover the rent? I used to do a bill bowing

Did you really have to rent money? He wasn't my landlord. He's just a dick. He was just a promoter And I would go bill you gotta let me 400 bucks and he would lend it to me And I would just work it out with gigs for the month Oh, wow, I would do like 350 dollar gigs a went to a dollar gig And he would tell me forget about the rest. Don't worry about He is a good guy. So that's why All right Sometimes shit rolls downhill. Sometimes generosity rolls downhill. Yeah, it's both at the bottom of the hill to catch it

Catch it and dodge it. You're trying to dodge Knock it the shit while still taking the generosity. Listen, man. I'm happy you took the time to be on the show I I see you. Are you kidding me? I'm honored. Thank you for having me. You're very free. You're very loose on stage and You're gonna go someplace not maybe today Maybe tomorrow, maybe six years, but they're gonna be giving you a show one day. I can see it. Yeah, I hope so Where can they find you have a web page problem? Sure. Carmen Morales com for all of your Carmen Morales needs Um, I also have a podcast called no sir. I don't like it. If anybody here likes things likes disliking things It's at no sir pod. You could follow me on all the assorted social media at the funny Carmen

I just want to make a public apology to you. Why about two weeks ago or three weeks ago Oh, would you stop at the store? What happened was I was so proud of her going up And we passed each other in the main room and you know A lot of people understand this Even at the 20 year mark when I'm at the store, I'm still floating around clouds So when I'm walking past you and I cut your back It's like telling you I love you without saying it. Yeah, like I'm being dragged. I got to dodge this guy I got to do this. I got to get to the original room

And me and you bumped into each other now you put such a smile on my face that night I looked at you that you had a comedy story shirt on and she had a jacket on But she had Jessica Pennington with you. Yeah, Jessica Wellington Wellington Pennington whatever I fucking know these people's names What am I? I didn't want embarrassed. I didn't I was trying to tell her to close her jacket Because I didn't want anybody to know she was a droll woman. I wanted her to respect her as a comic And she took it like I was talking about the tits No, you just because you said take I was like, I don't have another shirt

You were like you should change your shirt and I was like, I don't have another shirt And you're like, well, just take your shirt off. They'll love if you have your tits out Oh, no, I meant to put to button up your shirt on top of it. I'd rather you have cleavage Oh, right. I have a comedy store shirt off. Gotcha. I'd rather you take your shirt off Button your jacket. I have a button pop to pop out like a little fucking this malfunction Everybody forgot about the genesis I'd rather you have a tip malfunction in the main room and get 2,000 more Twitter followers like that Then fucking a comedy store shit on and they look at you as a door person

Right, so I was just trying to give you the respect that you deserve as a comedian never mind a woman Who gives a fuck to your woman? You're still a comedian, right? So that was funny that I was like, no Just take your shirt off and fucking button I'd rather you have you know what I'm saying? Yeah fucking baboon years Then them see I did I did three. I did a hat trick that night Yeah, I saw that the next day you did the belly room the original room And the main room and I just did like two weeks ago. I just did four

I did four sets in the same night two belly room A main room and an original room all in the same night. Come when you do a comedy store the empire in the life factory Then we'll talk that sounds fun. There you go. I like them when it's when they're back to back like that Mondays used to be latino night and freaky monday at the impromptu Both of them were hot if you get on one of them you jerk off all over yourself Really and there was one time where I got that that's why I ran to the store Yeah, please come on put me up please. I will give you three minutes. Bam triple Once you get the triple how do you feel you talk shit for a few days?

You walk with a limp and shit. You're like fuck you bitch. You couldn't talk to me for a couple days after that Yeah, after a three-hatter at the store and like you gotta go up and finish your pal or something like that. Yeah, like A couple weeks ago I was leaving And my wife had cooked something and I told the baby I would be home with a donut or something I had like an eight o'clock set And as I'm walking out the door Fucking the great talent coordinator adam comes up to me goes. Hey man

Do you want to open up for your pal in the original room at 11 o'clock? I'm like no What you said no I had to I had to get home. Oh, I got my you know what I'm saying I got all this how these fucking people don't know you're a dad You too. Yeah, I'm just saying like you having a hard time like like we were talking about like transitioning from like Character-wise like you are a father and like talking about it And then people not like really getting into it with you yet Open up that door for me before I sweat the death

It's hot back here today Thank you. Oh Look, it's still fucking rainy. It's a beautiful day to do bong hits here in southern, california Today's the good day to do bong hits and give your wife a stab. It's one of those days What's the surprise I was I'm fucking sure of this. What were you saying? I'm sorry to interrupt you which is that uh like You're you gave like you gave up opportunities like that To do something that would be considered really cool in comedy

I'll be with your family like you know what I mean There is a difference you are growing and changing too And I think that I think that your audience or people in the audience That know you and are familiar with you have to grow and change with you, you know Because you are you are a dad Yeah, but these people are 50 or 25 years old these people that come to the shows are kids So they can't be dads yet. I don't want them to be dads. I want them to sling dick And have some good time first before they settle down. Well, they sure but that doesn't mean you have to do that

I made a mistake at 27 and got married Yeah, the mistake really was a mistake because I ended up doing comedy out of it I lost a daughter. I have a 27 year old daughter And we don't speak we have no communication But if you look at the big picture took me 25 years to come up with this It's not an excuse. It's a way For me to put the pain away Sure

I gave up a life for a life Before that, I didn't have a life. I didn't have an identity. I was just an ex felon That did coke and whatever I got I got the life I wanted. I got the fucking wife the kid The comedy and we got the podcast with Lee. I'm not in jail. I'm healthy I got the life I wanted but I had to give up a life for it And I came to terms with that, you know, I am like yeah to become a really To become a good anything there's got to be sacrifice

To become good anything a doctor pre-med, you know, pre-law law You know, there's times you got to give up shit because we can't Best thing about comedy is you can't you don't have to go to weddings You know what I'm saying That's the greatest thing about comedy. Yeah Hi, are you coming to my wedding? Come on. Oh, I get a gig. I'm so sorry. You don't even look in your book. You're like I've been saying Antonio that weekend then they hit you but I look at you two weddings in the last 10 years And I love it. They look at you and they go I looked at your web page. You don't have a date. Uh

My web my web My web dude died his hand got cut off by an alligator. He won't be able to type till december So nobody knows it's an ultra-secret gig. Don't tell nobody That's a great thing about being a car. I haven't updated my website. Oh, I don't know what happened Have you ever said the town that they were having the wedding in look we're having our wedding in san Antonio? No, no No, I do all the fact study I keep it quiet and I do the wedding keep it. Tell me they're getting married in san Antonio. I got a gig in real Our paths aren't even gonna fucking cross. There's no way my plane's even going over your fucking state

I'm saying I actually can't advertise it. Um performing for a performing for a drug lord So I can't really put it on the internet. Don't say nothing because I want to live another day I don't need my head on fucking youtube on the stick next to this poor jubas. Actually, I can't even be having this conversation with anymore So don't go my best wishes for your wedding. Yeah I don't fucking go to weddings and shit like that. Anyway Coming around us. Thank you for taking the time. Don't forget to see you Up march 6 up in our neighborhood updating cobs with the fucking savages and shit last time we went up there We tortured some guy with a dog, right lee? Yeah, you and butch did the night before I got there

But you didn't do nothing. I remember I only came in for the last for saturday. You did a friday. You showed me the videos though Yeah, what would you do? That's a great club. We went to a 7-eleven Some guy yelling that it's the corner and we just yelled back and forth for a few fucking uh, I don't know The way I remember this like he followed you and then you followed him telling him we were gonna cook his dog or something We kept telling him we were gonna eat his dogs and he kept looking at us going. You're not gonna touch this fucking dog And we were yelling I'm gonna come over there and eat that fucking dog And he would walk and then come back And he yelled something back at us. You ain't gonna touch me

You don't know who I am. Fuck you cocksucker. I'm gonna go over there and eat that fucking dog Oh my god, we taped it and we died for fucking hours I guess you had to be there Anyway, Carmen Morales march 6 you motherfuckers brain improv Thursday next week a week from today The 24th or the 26th get ready to rock. It's me and my man George Perez And what's little indian door guy from the store on sun says I'm a son. I'm odd. I like that name On side our mod is opening up. We're gonna have a good time

It's a trifecta of colors of mexican and cuban In an onside. I'm bad So whatever you are, there's a joke for you there I'm saying whatever the fuck you are. There's a joke there. I might hire transvestite dj I'm not I'm not sure yet. I gotta find one who still spins old school You know what I'm saying put these asian looking for transgender dj must be able to spin Old school. Let's see what happens. You know I'm saying get the ad busted out on twitter You know I'm talking about anyway. I love you cocksuckers. I'll see you Monday morning. What are you rock?

I want to thank Carmen Morales. Where can we find you? Carmen morales.com at the funny Carmen on all the assorted social media And I want to thank the christ killer and I want to thank you motherfuckers For being loyal family from wookie spooky to bob la lingus to jay bish to dante fucking gazini I haven't heard from you dante, but don't send me no more letters. All right. You're killing me cocksucker I love you guys stay black. Have a great week I want to thank Carmen Morales. I want to thank the christ killer. I want to thank you motherfuckers But most importantly, I want to thank my bookie. You know why because that's the way to go

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This is how uncle joey takes care of you. He's got my bookie for you And he's got on it for your head and for your health and don't forget next week I'm at the brayer improv from thursday night to saturday with my man. George Perez. We're gonna rock that motherfucker So make sure you're there and that's it not that I'll see you monday morning nice and early ready to fucking rock I don't want no storage. You understand me. Have a great weekend. I love you guys Thank you for supporting the church every weekend. Kick this fucking mule lee Oh Oh

Do you Yeah So Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Hey Oh Oh Oh Oh You