Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #651 - Jake Ellenberger #2

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

Jake Ellenberger, a retired UFC fighter and Marine, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Joey wanted to bring Jake back after his last visit didn't go as planned. This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JOEY. ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Recorded live on 01/21/2019.


greetings from podcastville it's Tuesday January 20 something who gives a fuck it's your day to get up there and get out there and let these motherfuckers know who they're dealing with the church is brought to you by stamps.com listen to me you want a new year's resolution that actually you can keep stop wasting your time going to the postal office when you could send letters and packages right from your desk at home do it today with stamps.com listen I've been using stamps.com my wife and I for the last five or six years that's how we send our t-shirts out that's we turn the mugs out they are tremendous do you understand

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you want to show support do me a favor I don't care how big or small your businesses go to ziprecruiter.com slash church that's ziprecruiter.com slash church a smarter way to hire kick this fucking mule Lee Tuesday January 22nd or something like that you got your credit card bills you're sitting there depressed the holidays ain't shit now you're broke and now what are you gonna do you gotta sit there like a fucking mutt thank God you got the church what's happening now and a little biggie small for a Tuesday morning rocking you motherfuckers what post Martin Luther King down

in a straight we got a fucking joke we got Nate I'm Jake Ellen burger in the house talk about being stoned and this is the clean Jake Ellen burger so you sad I don't even think it's coming over you have the Christ killer and you got your fucking uncle Joey on a beautiful Tuesday morning what's happening you bad motherfuckers I hope you enjoyed the weekend I hope everything is alright we got my man Jake Ellen burger here part two part one he smoked a reefer that and he didn't remember where he was how did you feel Doug I felt like I was like I was like Oda may I was I was talking to

Patrick Swayze I was fucking I was on a and it looked like he was getting higher and higher and higher and just to clear the air there was no edibles involved it was one bong hit and when people don't realize that is that the shit I'm getting now is like a bunch of white chemists getting together these little geeky guys getting together and every day they try to make it one more percentage stronger and I'm dead guinea pig and if I'm there guinea pig you smoke with me and listen you're that guinea pig with a mice of the 80s and when they used to give cocaine mice that's the same thing we're the same

thing we're smoking heavy-duty out of it get fucked up to the gills and now that I don't do that much edibles like I ate two little things last night I slept like a baby because I gotta tell you when you don't eat edibles you sleep goes to shit at least for me I go right back to where I was inconsistencies but when I eat edibles I sleep like a fucking baby I sleep like a baby when you wake up there's no hangover sometimes there's a little bit of a hangover but you take a shit you drink some coffee you were buying it in your back like you're balanced all your chakras are open you're ready to take the day by the balls

and spit in its face you know I'm saying there's something about your weed too that it has a time delayed release like I think that's what it was is Jake was fine yeah whatever they're doing at the plant or whatever like it's it's delay release it's crazy and it gets worse and worse listen I came on a Sunday one day just to clear the air with people ever since I cut the edibles out I'm getting higher and higher sometimes you got to hear me at midnight Lee how high do I sound at midnight some nights oh my I don't think you remember talking to me sometimes I swear to God I get back from doing comedy and I go in

that bathroom and this time's I'm in there for 10 minutes and I throw that pipe up three or four times I'm like what am I doing with my life and then I'll go out and I'll put music on and I'll just sit there and stare at my daughter's drawings and I'm like what the fuck and I'll call Lee and I'll forget because what happens is this is what really happens before I go on stage I get so much fucking anxiety well I'm taking a shower to go on stage at the comedy store I get so much fucking anxiety so as I walk out I take one of those point two five little faggy x-axis that they give you the anxiety pills and I put

them in my top pocket this is what happens to me and I go down to the store and as soon as I walk in the store the anxiety starts hitting me so I pop one of those pills and then I go to the original room I go on stage and I'm fine and I don't feel the effects of the pill or nothing till I start driving up there so once my adrenaline goes down the pill kicks up I figured it out I go this is the only thing that could be affecting me I don't drink alcohol but there's nights after I call Lee my speech slurs like there's nights I get that stoned you don't slur with me you just sound really really tired I'm like

why is he so tired it's because I've done eight fucking pipefuls of weed by myself in a bathroom with the locks closed and I got no event elation in that I won't open up the door case is a raccoon back there I'll fight a fucking raccoon yes oh I sit there like a Jew in Auschwitz by myself getting steamed to death and I just sit there in that room and I smoke weed and I open the door and I have to close it real quick so the weed smoke doesn't go in the house for my daughter's birthday I had a fucking put incense in there I had a wipe down the walls my wife goes you can't take the smell of weed out of

here these kids are gonna come in here they're gonna get stoned to the gills we had a mop the floor times there there was more weed on that fucking floor than the most weed stores like and that's and I clean that bathroom twice three times a week yeah weeks click like you clean the corners out this weed everywhere in my bathroom I get fucking tanked at night I go home now and I get higher on the weed than I do on the edible sometimes it happens quicker yes we would smoke in there that thing that happened to you that day that was no spike nobody put nothing in your water yeah that was basically one bong hit don't

let it's a three-foot bong let's not forget that okay it's a bong with authority yeah that bong will fucking kill a human person that that's not a regular bong that's not for regular people right right but I know I came here about a month maybe five weeks ago I trained because Sundays my wife goes to church so I got a three-hour window mm-hmm so I try to write something train and maybe go to cryo therapy by the time they get back and then I sit with my daughter sometimes I do a podcast sometimes I just watch movies with my daughter and last night she opened up a salon and she died in my head pink mm-hmm

tremendous washed it off and she saw me on the way out she got pissed off I'm just thinking about you dying your hair pink he died it pink what am I gonna do she's the boss you gotta do okay at least she's opening up businesses she sat me down she had an appointment books yes she did she made me sign something like a waiver the real deal dog yeah so on the way out she's like you washed it out I had to take a shower you know I gotta go to work I can't go with pink hair I go but tomorrow night you can dye my hair blue and she goes tomorrow night the salon's closed it's Mondays I'm closed on Monday

like you know the king day she's a business woman yeah what's going on Jake Ellenberg you look good so you retire thank you yeah yeah these were these are the questions we couldn't get out of your life yeah I know I know you officially retired I mean you're 33 you're a young man yeah I mean I'm what a fucking bind to get into yeah what a bind to get into anything and then you realize that there's a thing called the family and you have to think about them I know it I know life is very simple but to have life without a family it gets hard along the way and one day you do get like your dad was thinking about okay

so now us three with your 30 your 20 your 33 let's pretend I'm 31 and we start like a crime scene out here and we're making money we're making a fucking million a week between three of us we're chopping it up we're paying off cops we're selling coke whatever the fuck now we hire two other guys and start killing rival drug dealers and next you know we're making nine million a week and we're chopping that up and next you know we've created a criminal empire we're not the mafia we're just a set of guys that got together we trust each other till the end they were making money every week this goes on for six

fucking years and then one day something happens you meet the woman of your fucking dreams and you have three fucking kids you start spitting out kids and one day you look at your kids and you go holy shit I gotta go out and kill Lee tonight and put him in a fucking hole what are what where's your law you know and that's what I like with comedy and then and fighting fighting I'm not even thinking about your kids and money wise I'm thinking about kids having you as a dad right fully being there and not fucking squeezing a ball and swatting flies and imaginary and having fiat Vietnam flashbacks at four in the

morning going into their room yeah so I'm on the wall so you know you gotta think about head injuries and yeah no I know that's that's kind of been my challenge to just thinking about my future being there for my kids you know giving them all the time I want to give them and it's life changes fast you know I go you go it like being a single guy it's easy you know you can kind of float do what you want to do train yeah when you got it when you got kids it's different you just gotta think about their future more you know so even for me like thinking about fighting again like I think about it every day you know

I'm like I can I feel I feel great I for sure could fight you know but I start thinking about my future my kids future my health you know that's a that's like I guess it's definitely the most important so it's it's tough though it's something one of the I gotta kind of continually analyze you know every every week did you start out at one of those gyms with sparring sessions were Street Brawls were you went all out now when I started no I'd say more like like towards the middle of my career it got a lot more sparring a lot more intense that kind of thing but yeah not not so much in the beginning did you take a lot of

shots to the head you think I yeah I mean I have now for sure I think it like it started about maybe five five years ago five six you know you start fighting guys that are fucking good everywhere fighting guys like Stephen Thompson you know just not there to do traditional fighters you see or even guys you typically train with you know so it's but yeah I took some day I fought Robbie Lawler fought Thompson you have a tremendous resume I mean you have nothing to fucking you know fucking joke yeah I'm just saying that that's what you really you know football players I mean it's when I was growing up you didn't

hear about it I look at the kids I grew up with and a lot of them were you know hands-on running hills with fucking barbells on their back type of football team you know and they're all okay some of them their hips are gone from all those years of squatting heavy weights and show like that one of my friends that was captain healthy had like a heart issue but he's backlifting weights five days a week and all that stuff but none of them really have those traumatic head injuries as much as like the day and they were banging heads those guys were doing football you know we came I come from a football high school man

those guys took practice fucking seriously I would hang with them at night yeah and I'd hear about the beatings they would inflict on each other and you know the hatred between this guy and this guy and they're fine you know we're fighting now you don't know you know I know it's it's hard to you know it's it's hard to see because you know you don't see a lot of the long-term effects till down the road at least so yeah I mean even now like I feel fine I feel great I feel like I'll I'll always have but you know I when I fought in Lincoln actually I met with a like one of the top neurosurgeons in the country and I

was asking him I talked for like three hours asking him everything about CTE to concussion he wore he's like a concussion specialist and he was talking about you know he had a bunch of tests with me and there was nothing he could see that was anything any sort of red flag but he was like really the people that are closest to you are gonna notice there's any behavioral you know differences or you know you go and gamble all your money one day like some dramatic changes you know in your behavior but he was even he went to far says there's there's no direct correlation between concussions and CTE and I

was like I was kind of blown away there but even like you're saying there's some people like who were in boxing or football done some hard contact sports their whole life and are never affected you know they're fine and there's some guys like you know you like the junior sales and the guys like that it's there's like a certain type of protein I guess and in a lot of these people they found the CTE like some type of protein in their brain you know so but he was like there's no you don't have a better chance of having CTE than most people so I was like that's that was that was interesting I kind of blew me blew my

mind a little bit so like how long ago did you start start fighting 2005 like back then were you planning for this already like did you know you had to like be careful or you just went in feeling like I just want to fight no I was yeah it was one of those you know 2005 like you see you see Chuck Liddell you see T-dork you see all these guys and I just I like training it would train with a hobby it was fun and I never even anticipated making the fighting a career you know and then just kept getting more opportunity like the more the better you do the more just like how about this fight how about this fight

was like and then you're getting paid and it's like fuck but yeah you don't really stop and think about it until like I tell you when I really start like when I had when I had kids you know my my son James was three and a half and that's when I was really like start thinking about head trauma injuries you know my future his future I want to be there for him you know when he's when graduating school that kind of thing so it's you know I watched that movie with Will Smith and what happened to these guys and I remember the stories as they happened and it's really sad you know I know for a fact I had a concussion one

time and it fucked me up for a while like it did fuck me up and it was a mild I got hit and I fell off a motorcycle that was it I had a pipe Jesus stood in some mile yeah my head in a fucking pipe damn thank God I wore a helmet yeah thank God at an early age I was smart enough I knew riding yes I took my daughter to the park and then we walked with the scooter with the helmet there and then she fucking does 90 miles an hour 22 times around the park with the with the helmet and she came brought me to helmet she goes I want to do a monkey boss there's some kids showed up and I see them put two feet on the

fucking scooter and I stopped her and she started crying she goes but I want to ride this scooter you got to put the fucking helmet on you know and I thought about why I was so strict about it it was because even when I was 12 I was a motorcycle freak but something always made me wear a helmet Mike they're there put it why not yeah you know I even wore elbow pads because it was just dirt right bike I was a dirt bike guy so we would ride where the giant stadium is now that was a swamp back there and we were able to take motorcycles from one county to another and back and then we had an area down there where you did

jumps off things and it was funny when you're 13 that's what it's all about sure it was it was a mile of cars that you had to go through that you had to be careful when I drive the other way the cops are gonna stop you anyway right in those days the cops are gonna stop you anyway I chase you so that you just went and you prayed that there was no cops and I knew the dangers of a motorcycle and I was we weren't racing but it's like if us three went on motorcycles and were fucking with each other fuck you I'm gonna fuck you up on one of those fuck you leaves I turned and there was a pipe sticking out of the ground that hit the

helmet it took me right off and next thing you know I remember calling into a friend's car and next you know I'm at the fucking hospital and it was like I remembered events looking at it today it was like taking pictures of events like one minute I was on my back the next minute you know they were carrying me the next thing I remember I'm in a car and I'm like where's my motorcycle your motorcycles fine we'll come back and get it the next minute I was at the hospital the next now my mother was there about the smack the fuck out of me in the hospital bed and then that was it when I got off I puked that night they

did all those things those tests I got really really sick my vision started to blur a little bit for a few days yeah I couldn't say this because I would they would keep me in the hospital last thing I wanted in those days so I lied myself out of it Jesus so it was just like for three weeks I felt that yeah something wasn't right sure the mind is weird there was a batch of cocaine that came into Boulder one time seriously this batch of cocaine came into Boulder that was so pure it was like 1994 and I didn't have a car I had a bicycle that something I'll never forget getting high on it that night and like getting

electro shocks all night like it was so fucking good that I got electro shocked all night when I woke up the next day I had the same feeling like if I had a concussion and I remember thinking I gotta get some more that coke it's shit it's off the road I still remember riding a bicycle to the deli zone right around the corner from the puddle car wash cars zipping by me and I remember going oh my god I've lost my mind like I don't know what's going on I just know I'm alive but I really don't have that's what it felt like yeah my concussion felt like do I worry about it you got to worry about every shot you

took my head as a kid I took a lunchbox to the head I take a couple kicks to the head yeah Ronnie class sure what is it like getting punched in the face like the first time like that's right no thank you what do you want to know don't like it it's not good yeah when you're like when you're in a fight you're your adrenaline's going you don't feel it at all I mean a little bit yeah you do just I guess it just kind of depends I mean you're so in the moment you're so like savage in mode you know what I mean you're just fuck you in the moment yeah that is I don't know how you guys do it I get excited look at my face I get

anxiety just thinking about okay I go out to my car right now have a good day we love you thank you buddy I'll call you later to I met you let's go downstairs let's walk out me and Jacob walking out when Jake gets in his car some guy pulls over and goes hey you're fucking hunky fuck your mother in the ass Jake says what are you talking about the guy gets out of his car the guy throws a punch at Jake Jake through two punches Adam they wrestle for five minutes I come down the stairs the guy from the funeral parlor comes out we break them up and you get in your car that happens every day in America okay

that and you get in your car and your adrenaline's going and your lip is cut and your knuckle is bruised and you get in your car and the fight's over with I could live with that that happens every day in America I was raised for that to happen six weeks ago I went to New York and some guy stepped in front of me and my daughter with me I don't care but this is a kid absolutely and I threw an elbow at him I threw a shoulder at him he looked at me they go excuse me and he looked at me and he said excuse me okay I don't know maybe I was raised the wrong way or something but that's one thing living in the moment me calling Jake and

going hey Jake I hate you've been talking shit about me bitch you ever see 232 motherfucker fuck you I don't like humans fuck you I don't like people and then talking shit and then having an argument at the press conference I would have a nervous breakdown if I'd have an argument with somebody at a press conference you don't want to do that not in a million fucking years and then wait for six weeks to fight somebody that's insomnia for me and then wake up that Saturday what if you wake up that Saturday you're like you know what I'm not gonna move to fight today I'm having a great day I'm feeling my cheese yeah

I'm feeling good I don't feel like smacking somebody today oh my god how how would you feel can you got to be angry to smack some of you know work yourself up to get in the ring you know some people fight better after they get fucked up for a minute for sure you take couple shots to the head then your blood starts rushing wake you up you know it really fucking wakes you up Lee so that I that I do not understand so what are you most worried about but I guarantee there's people driving listening going well whoa whoa whoa what about your drive to the comedy store that's true right okay yeah but I know

that day so I suffer with it that day but the suffer with it from you to call me and say we're fighting for the July weekend it's fucking January 20 I got six months of torture sitting here I gotta put a picture of Jacob on my wall shadow box in front of them and make believe I hate to die yeah and then then I find out he's got three kids and a wife and he's a nice guy and how am I gonna fight him I got no beef with this because this is what concerns me you asked me about the mind yeah how the mind works I would shit my pants if I had to fight somebody in six weeks like fight camp that walk they do in the

beginning when you come out and you fucking throw punches and you got to stand there when my hands are up and that guy is searching me before he asked me about the mouthpiece I just start running like I would just start running before I left it in the mouth you bring the mouth be not a boom where's your D is going want to get the mouthpiece next you know I got a fucking vest on a pair of fucking sandals and I'm in my car headed north yeah they'll never see me again that is when they put their hands up and the guy searches you right there I'm done once I got a little TSA to fight somebody I'm done I'm done yeah

and then you got to walk into the ring and make believe like everything is beautiful and then the music starts and the other idiot walks in and you got to watch this moron walk in and then run around in circles and now this guy's running around in circles and I'm thinking I gotta fight this fucking guy he's running around in circles or something like that this all this process scares the living shit out of me six weeks I gotta fight you I don't know how I'm gonna feel the six weeks you know what I feel like fighting you but I don't want to fight you you know I want to fight the fucking field go guy from

the right you know yeah that's how you feel some day yeah I want to fight the mechanic that didn't fix my fucking car right I don't want to fight Lee I got no time to fight Lee oh it's and it's so different with with these fucking massive crowds you know you go to you I thought it Roger Center in Toronto and there's 56,000 people the walk from the fucking locker room to the cage was like literally five-minute walk yeah I'm tired I'm like by the time I get there my stress I would just drop my knees to drop my heart no have you ever headlined to a fight or gone like really late on the car yeah cuz that's the part that

would kill me like oh like the waiting when everyone else is fighting the worst part it's waiting I got it like for me even when I I gotta take a nap like when I first thing I do when I get to locker my fucking fall asleep I gotta fall asleep every fight yeah I do because then it shuts everything off you forget about it but the more you think about it you're like alright because that's the hardest part is the waiting game cuz all the anxiety building yeah I mean it's and it's different if you you know you go out in the schoolyard or behind a locker room and you get in a fight with some dude no big deal no one nobody

sees it but now you got a guy who's been training for 10 weeks he wants to fucking rip your head off in front of it a hundred million people you know what I mean it's it's a difference the psychology is it's different it's a it's a trip I don't know how I've learned from it when I watch it I put myself in their shoes like I put myself running down the ramp like I go how would that feel to run down the ramp you know you know I you know I always see homeless people like when you make the left on fucking Riverside and to one go there Kowenga they got that homeless hut there and sometimes I'm sitting at the

light like I like trade places I go can you imagine I think I put the laundry card up and he's got like a ladder and he puts a fucking sheet or any sleeps under there yeah yeah that's where he fucking sleeps that's his little apartment and sometimes when I go to sleep at night I put the sleep back in your mask on and lay down like I wonder how the fuck that guy's doing it and I make believe like I'm sleeping and cars are going past me you imagine sleeping on the street no what cars are doing fucking 30 miles an hour past you all night drunk drive on bottles and shit oh my god mm-hmm there's a lot of people in LA

who live in their cars or RVs like though I did they really they have more I don't know what it is yeah I don't know if I could do that I think if I got to that point I'd probably move home I literally that's it that's a different kind of commitment I guess like then thank God I just haven't been in that situation but that's just like the first night you're sleeping your crate like fuck I can't you know yeah you live in Milwaukee Wisconsin you train at Duke Rufus you're 22 you're good looking you know I'm just saying you know and Duke has three really good fighters in his camp maybe four whatever I don't know I

don't do crew Rufus is roster I know he's got Tyrone Woodley whatever I don't even know anymore but you just feel like you want to go to a different camp you want to come to the camp in Sacramento you feel that you're a 145er and you want to train with those guys or you want to go to Colorado and train with bang okay and hang out with TJ double shark as you and TJ are built the same way and you can learn a lot and TJ so usually have what 400 in the bank when you're 22 or 23 you've been working you got a half a girlfriend you live in your dad's basement yeah and you get your fucking car and your dream is to be in

the UFC your dream is for a life of getting punched in the head you think you're thinking about getting punched in the head when you're 23 it's the last thing about I was doing coke and putting coke in my nose did you think I was worried about being 56 with a child and then you know no no I didn't think about the future you don't when you fall in love with something you don't think about the future she's a fucking metaphor and you want to fall in love with a way in 10 years the future is no teeth and fucking disability and her pussy's all whacked up you know I mean I'm just saying guys you know you have

to look at something we don't think about the future with 23 so you fall in love with something now what you know so now you you want to train at whatever is TJ double Shores can't what do you think people wait for you at open arms you get in your car but you find out that the train with TJ double Shaw you got a train in there between nine in the morning and one that eliminates most fucking jobs that eliminates 60% of fucking workforce so you got to start from the bottom you got to live in your car and work in a restaurant as a fucking as a fucking bus boy at night until you become a waiter you know what

Lee guess what you figure it the fuck out you figure out the hotels you can park in front of and go into that bathroom without security and then you fall in love with the front desk girl and she tells you when to come and she'll let you sleep in the back on the morning you could figure out how to go in there and sneak a pack of fucking oatmeal and by tipping the girl huge and you just life fucking that's the sacrifice you make and then you go to the gym one day and you become friends with the guys and you become your hard worker and one day the guy goes hey I need a roommate to share a house and you

can have the basement for 300 a month but for six weeks you got to live in your fucking car that's part of love that you have for what you're about to do you don't think about repercussions there's there's no repercussions we live in the moment that's it no yeah I get it and and I think maybe it's different if you're starting out like the it's whenever I see and I think about myself I'm in a girl three weeks ago that was dressed to the nines at the comedy store with a guy we were talking having a great conversation and she told me she was homeless remember the hooker he told me about yeah she was really she was

homeless she lived in a fucking car by the saddle ranch in the parking in the parking lot at the saddle ranch I mean guys you know and she wants to be an actress but she thinks that you could just sign with an agency she doesn't know that you have to go to acting class and you know they think that they confused as a prettiest girl in the neighborhood and they come to LA and they don't know that every day a bus empties out a hundred of the hottest woman in the world come to fucking that light or Miami during March model season they go down to Miami you know it's just the way life is but they think

because they they they won't they won most likely to succeed they're gonna go to the standard and then get a fucking job in a movie well then two years later you're crying that you sucked Harvey Weinstein's dick because the process is fucking you gotta go to acting class and learn how to act and what book and then agents will be interested in you it's a tight fucking economy here but we're just getting back to your question it's just it's not that you let yourself get to that level it's what you're doing for your dream if you think you're a good artist whatever you want to go to Venice Beach and you don't have enough money

and nothing's going I hate these don't you hate people at looking and go you know what it doesn't really matter because I'm moving to Omaha Nebraska February 2021 good luck yeah good luck those people drive me crazy yeah somebody says to me one a year and a half we're moving to California people who gotta go they go yeah exactly when somebody goes they go there's no looking back there's no year to save money well I need a year to put away money you just make an excuse just for yourself exactly you just make an excuse for yourself bullshit yourself take what you got go to grandma say grandma you're gonna die no you don't leave me 500 forget the 500

give me 300 and we're square I agree get the 300 from grandma borrow another two from a friend of yours and $500 you come out here with your car and that's what most people do yeah do I think it's the thing to do if you really love it and you have a fucking plan yeah if you believe in what you're about to do find a way you find the fucking way yeah but if you're gonna come out of it because your cousin's friends with fucking Lisa yet and he's gonna hook you up yeah they're gonna hook me up dog I hate people say Jake will make a call to the UFC Jake knows I'll go in the front of Jake the best people come and try to impress you I can't do nothing for you yeah I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you I could do something for you I can't I know I can't there's nothing I could

do for you I could open up certain doors for you and you have to go through them like the fucking rhinoceros yeah but I can't do nothing for you you still gotta put in the work yeah and you still got it isn't this podcast better than you know for you just say no to drugs god damn I'd say it was a fucking day I just say no to drugs I can interact yeah the conversation's better yeah yeah yeah you believe it's gonna do your bonkers yeah I already did a two bonkers no you did yes it did you did two half a little fucking cake bonkers but I bet you get hit up all the time with the same shit like I know for me like I get people like I can't even tell you how many messages I get with people who want me to introduce them to Sean Shelby or Dana or like

hey I've been fighting I got three fights or I want to be a feel like I fucking every day every and I'm like again it's like you gotta you you gotta do the work you gotta fuck can you fight okay like you know I mean I may be able to introduce you to somebody but it's not just gonna fucking in the snap of the fingers you're fighting in the UFC it's not gonna happen you know like I get people hitting me about fighting in the contender series and you know get me on you know what I mean I'm sure you probably deal with the same shit but it's years ago the best one I ever got for Rogan was a guy that told me Mr. Diaz I don't mean to bother you but I keep sending Rogan messages and he won't get back to me I mean I used to get those all the time yeah

Rogan won't get back to me I'm sure you have a way to get in touch with Dana White let me tell you my situation I'm 14 and oh with 16 knockouts you know I knocked out the judge on everybody yeah you know oh my god this guy had a link on YouTube and I went to him and he had no fights on there it was just him hitting the back no he was tatted up from head to toe yeah he had the knee brace on he had the expensive shorts the gloves and he's beating the back and he goes this is pure power and he's calling people out on the back and I'm like if you're 14 and oh you must have fight footage why would you send your Rogan a tape of you hitting the back so I thought he was just I go maybe the guy's creative maybe the guy's

artistic maybe it's him talking to his first before his fight footage it was four minutes or five minutes long I wanted to shoot myself I'm going to watch it because he suckered me in I was waiting to see him narrate his own fights yeah this is me in Japan it's him you know head kicking somebody this is me in Russia and him taking somebody in a fucking single and submitting them with a fucking Kimura or something it was just him on a bag going nobody wants this right hand not TJ Dillishaw not fucking Mighty Mouth he called out John Jones he called out Brock Lesnar yeah and he was doing nothing to the bag I can see like if the bag blew up and feathers were everywhere yeah I mean they're fucking retarded when I saw the video he was

tatted from ankle to his neck I go oh he had just done a shot of steroids I mean he was jacked yeah to the fucking nines he really didn't know how to punch and I'm no fucking Jerry Cooney I don't know nothing about boxing but I know a punch when I see right right did he leave a comment did I leave a comment no I would never fucking leave a comment never ever like this is the worst thing I've ever seen no no no no no those type of people you leave a comment like that the next thing you know you don't know but they jump out a window they're that crazy to send Joey Diaz a video to send the Dana White to show him how tough you are and that you were 14 and oh and there's no fights that guy jumps out a window gets hit by a car that night on purpose yeah what takes his own

life that that's that you can't even reply to those people there was a guy I probably should even say but he kept sending me email saying someone was torturing him it's like you gotta make it stop man they're doing terrible things to me I can't respond to that story there's a guy who told me he wanted to kill me once but like that guy what I don't know he just said he sent me an email saying I hope like it doesn't matter but like yeah they sometimes go crazy stuff I'll tell you where I get the craziest stuff messenger I don't know I don't know Facebook does that on purpose but the creepiest stuff I get is every time I click the messenger and there's 40 unread messages and you're stoned to the gills and you're reading and some of them are nice nice American

we're just nice people yeah I should say American they're worldwide but there's ton of them there's one guy now that I have no idea what he's talking about so they have no idea I fuck with them even more I tell them take the medication you know yeah but I don't I don't put them down I just tell them to take the medication I could see when somebody online is starting to lose it like at this point you could see this is not gonna end well there's a guy that hits me up every time I go to New York City I never hear from him year round I hear from him the week I'm going to New York City and it's always the same story he wants help he has a heroin prom and he wants me to help him and bring him out here and he wants to replace Lee he would be better than Lee

and you gotta hear this shit damn and there's always a story I'm gonna I'm gonna be Ari's producer that's what I called Ari and I go you know this guy is he goes no he hit me too about coming and watching me on the show there's some crazy people out there and if we get that can you imagine poor Rogan have you ever seen one Rogan post on Instagram it makes me feel better about myself it is something there's times I just check his Instagram just to see what people say yeah he could put a fucking picture of a dinosaur up and he could be one of his intelligence modes and go well put a picture of a scientist found 30 000 year old elephant bones you know he'll post something like that and there's people like who's gonna win Khabib Akana DMT 100%

you know they don't leave it alone with the DMT that was 10 years ago I know leave it alone it's like when somebody calls me big pussy from the sopranos or somebody comes up to me now and says I listen to the podcast all the time you have any stars at that time you and just look at them ignore because you're not listening to the podcast because we haven't done a star at death in fucking a year now yeah only Lee's got a bag of stale the laddies still eat those things yeah they work I don't ever want to see those fucking things again they're the nastiest yeah they taste appreciate it yeah yeah now they got they're a year old they're fucking overexpired I kept them in the fridge you kept them in the fridge you're fucking crazy oh so you have the company that has

like the the roll the foam roll yeah the high price company that's keeping it yeah they're doing well yeah they're doing well yeah I got a couple investments I've made so they're doing pretty well we got a restaurant actually about to open in uh west hollywood they're about to open up but tega louis so what kind of restaurant uh well there's one downtown called but tega louis yeah I went there they got a lot of pastries and macarons that kind of stuff but good food one of my buddies I went to I grew up with he's like there he went to USC he's an architect like super fucking brilliant guy he's their architect but uh yeah we he I uh invested in there the new one they're about to open so like this sometime this year but that's it's keep me busy so next time he

comes he's gonna be coming in a Bentley that's like one of the places in downtown that like girls really like to go like it's yeah like one of the yelp places pictures and it's a good it's always busy open it's it's like one of the highest rated bakeries ever yeah really yeah but yeah so I gotta take you invest in these things yeah well the new one they're about to open I did yeah so they're yeah they're they're killing it are you gonna be like a working partner or just like a behind the scenes I just gave you money I want a little money back every yeah right yeah I'm just kind of behind the scenes you know so but uh yeah I might I'm open to you don't want a good fella because I know how to get that yeah good fella that thing yeah yeah saying that I get cooking yeah I can

start going in there starting up a tab for donuts and shit for Lee yeah and then when they come to me hey you're always three thousand when are you gonna pay us I smack the manager yeah I'm gonna call this number yeah we're your partners now and then we go through it like the sopranos we just start ordering bags of flour and yeah sell them and then one day we just like to join on that's it fuck the jewish stop and everybody walks away debt-free yeah a little checky poo hands are clean and no more cupcakes no more fucking cupcakes and shit when you watch your fight now how do you feel did you watch this weekend's fights yeah yeah yeah and how do you feel as you're sitting there watching these fights

no it's you know I'm here I I analyze a lot of fights and stuff and I I mean for me I look back a lot a lot of my fights and I just think about like you know it's it's hard to like not overanalyze yourself as far as I could have done this better I can I got a buddy uh Ethan Sepley he's an actor and he's on the podcast oh yeah okay great guy great he's never watched anything he's ever done blew my mind never watched a film a show and I thought he thought he was joking he's like no I was like you're serious and he he's never watched something he's done and and he because he's very critical of himself you know I could I didn't like this I could have done it like I and I understand it I get it but for me

even like I look at my fights it's hard to watch some of my fights like even that have been like real close where I could have done this or I fucking knocked him down got back up and he head kicked me or she knows so I I I like watching fights but my fights are a little harder because it's like ah you tried to overthink shit and I could have done this or strategy you know but I mean it helps guy like I still help other guys train too so I can kind of give back give back a little bit to them as far as reflect on the shit I more I made mistakes or you know things that I could have done better but it's funny when I watch a fight as a fan but I also watch to learn I watched I think about what they're thinking about you know when I'm watching a baseball game

like before the podcast we were talking about Tom Brady like what are you thinking about on the sidelines when you got that ball back with 54 seconds I know 39 39 seconds and what were you thinking about when you won the toss and how you walk out there you well this is all going on this is what I'm thinking about I'm watching a football game but I'm trying to put my head where he's at right now you know there's I don't know 11 people on the other side that want to kill me they want to fucking take my fucking head off blow your knee out blow my knee out or something and they're monsters they're not just any people it's only me and you it's a fucking you know they all run a 4 240 yeah yeah I mean this is fucking savage you you you're 41 years old which naturally you've lost

the step which he had right right so what are you thinking what is on your mind how do you prepare for that I mean that is that has always been my quest like and what I like about fighting is okay so the other night I told you I watched it two times it could be against Connor after it could be tabs out you're sitting there you're breathing what's going through your head the things you didn't work on the day that you went to the museum with your wife instead of going to Jiu Jitsu you think about the night you didn't go and do strength and conditioning right because your ankle hurt but it really didn't right you think about you know when I get off stage and I ate a bag of dicks and people like hey good thanks for coming and all that I'm talking to them but I'm really in

the moment and I'm breaking down just what what just happened I get in the car I call Lee I bust his balls once he hangs up the rest of the ride home is breaking down my set what happened how I felt you know I might get off stage 1130 but I can't go to bed to one or 130 because that's what's racing through your mind that joke worked that fucking joke but like last night I just wanted to get something out I wanted to make sure I covered this and I did two of the three sets yeah which for a guy like me is a win all I wanted to do inspiring last night was work a two punch combo with a fake uh Superman kick and when you angle I get you with the kick to the head on the left side that's all I wanted to work on last night like I'm like I'm going down to try this thing

whether it fucking kills me because the worst thing is putting something in a paper and going that's going to kill them and then going down there and not doing it yeah you know I talk about game plans and fighting I've heard a lot about game plans because I could tell when a fighter is sticking to his game plan when Connor fought Nick Diaz the second time he went in there with a game plan he watched the fight when the guy kicked his legs a thousand times yeah so he implemented the leg kick he stayed away from him he didn't let Nate get too close to him and he lost to him the second time not if you watch it but he ended up winning he made little adjustments in his fighting I love that shit yeah when I watch a fight and I could tell that you made adjustments I love that

shit Diaz loves showing the high head kick and he goes low low low when he comes up high if you time that head kick the right way I'm a dead man against a guy like you Jake you're gonna take me down with a single while that leg is coming up on you and it's easy night night after that because you're taking me down hard I got one leg up in the air if you time it you're done you sweep me on my shoulder it's all over the oxygen flows out and you start throwing punches from underneath and all of a sudden McCarthy comes in and weighs you off you know and that's how I feel when I do stand up when I get off the stage those first two minutes I like to just you're analyzing your set where you went wrong where you could have been better yeah and what are you gonna work on the

next time you know so that's I compare a lot of shit and comedy yeah to MMA because it's an heart no matter what the only thing we don't have is weight cutting yeah thank god you imagine if you had to make weight for Friday show every week when you would never get there I never make weight I never make way that's the only difference in the art is making weight it's still the same fucking thing listen Joey's a jujitsu guy Jake when you find him you gotta throw the four punch combo you know so I just want you to work on four combos right cross low kick and a high kick you know just mix it up into four you can't take a four delivery that's what I would you know that's how I cut that's how I practice my comedy that's how it works for me yeah to go out there throw

jabs and they expect an ass kicking or being able to make the adjustments just to make the adjustments that's fucking awesome just to make the adjustments because guess what my combos gonna start with a jab I'm gonna come over I'm gonna leg kick I'm gonna left and then I'm gonna take two steps and go to the head maybe there's a step I'm taking that I'm not doing it right he's gonna catch me with an over with an overhand left the first time now I gotta get back to position and try it again move it around a little bit maybe throw a head kick at him fake a superman punch but then after that I'm gonna run the same combo again jab cross leg kick high kick you know and hopeful and if I if I do it and even if he blocks all four of them if he knocks me out after that

I'm good because I know I'm on to something this is inspiring right this is inspiring if I see that he's it's am easily taken down after I throw the second kick that means he could read the second kick I gotta make adjustments with that second kick I gotta make adjustments with that leg kick he's popping he's he's blocking it you know he's what do you call that when you pick up your leg he's checking it yeah you know I can't have him check it maybe I'm kicking too low maybe I'm kicking too high but if I kick him low I got his balance like a knock him off balance like come at him with a with a left these are the same things in comedy you have to expect that that that's what I'm not good at jujitsu like to be good at jujitsu you have to know what that guy's second move is

going to be before he does it right you want him to put his hand down like I just found out that if you get me in a fucking spider guard I can't pat even if it's the easiest path it's a terrible mistake I just found out after five years I would do it all the time and get swept try to pull that fucking spider guard on me now on the right hand side because now I know it to sit still until you pull the guard out a while until I just step aside and pull your leg and hopefully I could cross pull your leg and get on top of you I didn't know that for years I would actually pass your guard with one arm hanging there like the fucking tin man in the Wizard of Oz yeah you know but to to do it and fail right it's the same thing with comedy it's the same thing with anything unless you

try it you can't fucking fail and you can't learn from so but that's the best thing that you have that you have experience to share with younger fighters to calm them down you know I think sometimes young fighters like I love to see young fighters that grow in the UFC like yourself you came out of the young age yeah and you grew up in the UFC you took some wins you took some losses then you figured it out for a while then you figured it out for a while then you start having doubts and there you go you know it happens it happens the worst thing you can happen is when you start having doubts and we all have I had them two weeks before I shattered the generate special yeah and it destroyed my my performing skills I thought that was great no two weeks before

I got doubts I started switching material I started having doubts and you live and you learn even at the right and I'm a veteran even at the 26 year mark you still have doubts which creates a whole different set of scenarios you know definitely I know I wish I wish I would have looking back now I wish I would have just I wish I would have slowed down a little bit you know because when you're finding that fucking top-level competition you know you get you know you make mistakes ups and downs you take some lumps but I was like full speed ahead and I wish I just wish I would have slowed down a little bit kind of two fights you know kind of kind of analyze myself a little more you know becoming a little more aware of set ups and

like strategy like you're talking about making adjustments like those are those are the most important I mean I was even watching Cowboys fights last weekend like that young kid it was interesting because I you know everybody who's a veteran like cowboy yeah they know how that that young that young kid is who just is reckless doesn't care and that's a that's a hard guy to beat but as soon as cowboy started getting his distance his range seeing how this guy would for example that kid Hernandez he would throw some good combinations but he would back straight up and I could see it I was like cowboy picks up on him back and straight up he's going to start following him after he resets he's going to follow him back in and start landing straight

point any day he started tagging him up and which ended up setting up that head kick but that's one of those things like as a veteran there you can see you can pick up on those things and make the adjustments but that was a that was a you know great fight by cowboy now have you seen the scam coming or have you not seen the scam coming what's that six months so after Conor McGregor lost to be convincingly they all sat down and we had a pick they they're not going to give him I knew you know I knew they're not going to give him the Spanish kid what's his name Eddie's guy who's number one so 155 it's the Bebe is the champion Tony Ferguson yeah they're not going to give him Tony Ferguson there's no way right no they can't take another knockout they can't

take another chance with him that's a hard for me he got dangerous yeah after you fight somebody once Poirier improved 100% after he fought McGregor you know Holloway improved 150% after he fought McGregor because once you see where your mistakes were you just now you thought it was supposed to be the best you lost I'm going for it so all these guys they don't want Poirier against McGregor but they had they told cowboy six months ago you know I have to be lost to start dropping weight to go to 155 what is what is he ranked that 155 cowboy cowboy top 10 I'm sure seven six maybe I don't even know so you since you're on the show we could talk about this I feel that I think McGregor's next fight

should be that Spanish kid yeah Ferguson that's my feeling about it yeah but let me see who else is on there you got Barboza also has to be up there at 155 yeah yeah you've got I don't think he's ranked right now who uh cowboy he's got to be ranked either 170 or 155 let me check 170 yeah he's still right as of right now on the way this is UFC UK let me check this out Jesus Christ you're using that cap on this Lee no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no yeah Tony way and and then you think about Tony maybe fighting Khabib I don't know it's that's a good fight they were supposed to fight but that's a tremendous fight that's another fight that people really really like to see yeah but I think he's been you know he sees an easy opponent in cowboy

and I hope he doesn't really think cowboys are gonna be an easy opponent right you know once cowboy gets into a rhythm he does okay yeah and again he's been back in the rhythm I think he won his last two yeah two or three so I lost his last two or three so he might be you know you get a cowboy when cowboy is cowboy and you forget cowboy could jujitsu yeah cowboy is not bad at jujitsu no he's great what is he how many submissions does he have look at his record cowboy has good jujitsu yeah so don't underestimate a lot of people loving that fight already and I think Dana thinks that uh McGregor can be cowboy and try to get his status back I think cowboy might be a little tougher than what he fucking thinks yeah I agree you fought cowboy wow no no no you're

a fuck cowboy no I'm assuming this is updated um I'm not sure but on the UFC's website says nine wins by knockout 17 by submission eight by decision yeah he's this jujitsu game is no fucking joke no it's good so I hope that they don't think that they're getting like an old cowboy yeah that because if cowboy decides to fight Conor McGregor trust me he's gonna fucking train hard for that fight oh yeah and his movie tie is sensational yeah you know he's not this movie tie is always impressed me but his submission game ain't bad he's not bad on his back bro so this might not be an easy fight no this ain't an easy fight hell no this isn't gonna be an easy fight you know I mean the UFC is kind of like what you were saying earlier was like the pretty girls

who come like from all over like and it's kind of crazy like every fight in the UFC or really any organization now is like the best like that even though even if they lose like they're like the best of the best that's pretty crazy to have to like fight that guy that's crazy fight what guy like it's not like it like like that's the part that gets me is like there's so much like the other guy's great it's not like it's not like you're fighting like you know you're gonna win like you never know no they make up some cards that you sit there and scratch your head I mean who saw cyborg get knocked out against Nunez I know it no who saw Henry Sehruz imagine training up against cyborg that's like that's scary I had a feeling about I had a feeling about Nunez because Nunez

is slick she's just fucking slick yeah and she might she can fucking hit too it didn't surprise me you know it didn't surprise me Henry Sehuda over till the show this weekend surprised I didn't watch it I was just really I'm not getting the aspect I didn't know they threw a fucking by the way idea yeah why can't the UFC just be square with you why can't I was telling my wife that in society today you avoid thinking about it but no matter what you do at every level you get fucked Lee whenever I talk to Lee the first thing he'll tell me is I like that city I like that hotel but they charge 38 to park he tells me about parking constantly Lee knows every parking rate across the fucking country and that's good and it's bad it scares me that Lee that you know

Lee was gonna get a piece of ass at the hotel he called me one night it's 100 a night but it's 38 to park yeah you know what am I gonna do you know last thing you went to court he wouldn't pay the 10 to park next to the courtroom it's not 10 it's 20 it's 20 I was there for two days and he is the killer you're gonna be free parking here's the killer about that that I don't even know what the fucking point is I don't I'm I'm standing in this fucking parking when you go out anymore you really try to have a good time and then you walk home you get home and you realize what you spent for the night mm-hmm and you realize like you get fucked I see these point tickets I pay for yeah I see the amount I pay for cars and all this shit I see the amount that they want for

Super Bowl tickets we were just discussing Super Bowl tickets and the amount they want for tickets and you know I just heard through the grapevine that Ticketron sells tickets but they all bought they bought a company who buys those tickets and doubles the price on them and sells them the scalpers you know so as a consumer in today's world we turn a blind eye to it but you feel like you're getting fucked at every level mm-hmm I love to go to a Laker game but I'm not paying 189 to sit all the way up in the top under the air conditioner and then I gotta pay another 50 to fucking part now yeah and then you know something I spoke to somebody there then I go are you going to the Rams playoff game two weeks ago not the one this week against New Orleans the week earlier

and they said I thought about it and then I went online and they go Joey it was gonna cost me 500 to go to that game in the fucking rain he goes you know what I saved the 500 and I watched that homeland enjoyed myself good I want you to think about something mm-hmm 500 dollars who has 500 dollars to go to a fucking football game they have 800,000 people are not getting a fucking check right now 800,000 people when I flew the other day I thanked every all those TSA agents I thanked them to their fucking faces I was like hey man thank you for being here today I can't even imagine going somewhere and not getting paid right now mm-hmm you know Lee and I have discussed it 800 dollars for floor seats at the Rolling Stones and 50 to park and it's 12 for water

so if you're not coming home as an American consumer and going I just got fucked you know they don't let you fucking to smuggle water during TSA they make you throw the water away why because you gotta pay four dollars in the fucking airport mm-hmm they want you at the airport two hours earlier watch you sit there no so you spend money on their overpriced fucking food that you gonna shit shit out blood no matter what level this either place the other night my stomach was fucking sick at the airport no matter where to fuck eat so isn't even I feel sometimes I go somewhere and I go man that was pretty good and then my wife would go it was 54 hours for four hot dogs and you know like I just got fucked in the ass you're right yeah you know how much the tickets

for a UFC event you know and it's not the tickets for the event it's everything that goes into it yeah they've eliminated a class in this country they've eliminated a class and especially like for me it's it's hard but like it's even tougher when you're in a relationship or like what if you're married with kids and you have to buy four times of everything oh yeah guys yeah gotta fly somewhere i see people i see people flying i don't know how they do it with two kids and they don't give a fuck they don't have a special price for kids or nothing your kid flies for free if he's under three that's it that's it under two and it's two everybody else fucking pays that's a seat check we want that we what if he sits on my lap that well listen it's our fucking lap yeah because

you're sitting on our fucking chair so at every level i as a consumer in america right now you're like you know what man jesus christ you know when does the when does the fucking stop like i said i feel bad for this generation that they can't go to a baseball game for fucking 20 bucks try to get dodger tickets for 20 fucking bucks see what you get you get an earphone and a cup they let you listen to the wall yeah like they they tell you go around the back take that cup and put it against the thing you'll hear the game perfectly that's what you get for 10 bucks i should pay like 12 bucks for a nick ticket 15 bucks for a nick ticket right right that means if four three of my kids go or me and my wife and two kids it's 60 bucks it's new york city i'm gonna get banged on anyway but

you know popcorn maybe some fucking cotton candy maybe a box of raisin that's you go to a movie today in america how much is a fucking movie 15 bucks 20 bucks you know walk out of a movie a dirty light get dirty light and that's with validating parking you gotta fucking get validation right yeah it's the most embarrassing thing in the fucking world even that lemley i go to you have to take your ticket they validate it and you still gotta pay to get out of the fucking place and there's a line by the fucking machine you gotta stand there for another fucking hour so you get fucked with every level i gotta take a shit i just sat there for two hours and stuffed myself with popcorn i got i'm blasting farts at the end of the movie like i can't my

wife's looking at me like hold on it's gonna end in 20 minutes i'm gonna go to the bathroom i know that fucking popcorn oh my god yeah it's fucking crazy so that's it it's yeah and then you go to a place like all my where you're from and you compare the prices of what you're paying on welfare gas what you're paying in orange county even new york city has cheaper gas than that really yeah it's like two dollars a gallon i was telling i know i was telling some friends about my my brother joe's house he bought his house uh let's see like five bedrooms 130 000 they paid for it hundred and think about that 130 000 he's got a family's got three kids wife three kids joel hamburgers are fighting also right yeah yeah he doesn't he doesn't fight anymore

but i was like 130 you couldn't buy a sidewalk you can't even look at houses out here you can't buy a tree for fucking less than fucking 800 000 this neighborhood do you want to take a piss on the bush do you want to stay here now i i mean i like it i do i like it out here i'd like to i'd like to ideally have a place a place out here and a place back there so but as far as we're you know we're raising kids i don't know i'm not sure yet i gotta i gotta figure that out but i do i i enjoy it out here though it's a lot of there's you know you got 20 minutes to the beach and plenty of stuff to do but yeah it's expensive it's you go to the beach a lot with your kids in the summer once in a while yeah you check you look close how far are you from the beach 20 minutes yeah

so you use the beach see how we use the beach we go for a walk you know let the kids play in the sand and shit and you know they love that but your family's Nebraska yeah how about your wife's family they're uh arizona yeah not bad so both places if you decide to move there at least you got support there yeah it'd be it'd be still be cheaper than out here yeah man no no no it makes fucking sense yeah what are you so you're thinking of fighting again if a league calls you and they all it would have to be fun i mean you have to be financially worth it you know do you still have the same management everything yeah so you have somebody cutting deals for you and stuff like that yeah have you considered bellator or you don't want something that serious

i considered it but i don't know it's hard it's hard it's just it's hard to close that door you know what i mean like training so much and just training as long as i have and i don't know it's i think i think about it a lot but yeah i don't know then i have that realistic talk with myself about my kids in the future and let's let's not fight again you know i uh i don't know like party on my ego i want to fight for sure but when i start thinking a more rational logical dad jake then i'm like all right i'm done what a call to make like i think leigh and i were having this conversation about england new england last night if tom brady wins at 41 years old that gives him how many rings three of the six or seven i think it's seven are you fucking sky seriously

yeah so right now if you're tom brady and you beat the rats right at the end of the game do you raise the fucking trophy and say i'm done he better not i've got enough money yeah i've got seven six rings i mean when do you say it's enough i know he's talked about until 45 i don't think he does he he doesn't even let them take himself out when he's like leading by 30 at the end of the fourth quarter you know what happens he likes being in there what happens in two years when you lose another two steps and kids around you are getting stronger they're coming in from college a lot stronger than they were when you were fucking 19 or 20 and they're fast and they're stronger and yeah they're limiting hits on quarterbacks but remember there's a way i could hurt you just you getting up 11 times just

me knocking you down there was somebody i spoke to a couple weeks ago and i know you go to judo this kid's one of the toughest kids i know and jujitsu i go you go to judo he goes no i go why not he goes i just don't like getting up you know and this kid's 23 23 yeah he's like i just don't like getting up after they throw me on my back because i don't like it i'd rather just stay down you know i don't like that shit so you know i mean so think about it he's gonna so what do you want to see do you want me to see you getting sacked and thrown away that seven year it's a seven or six years before you get tortured on twitter please you're not knowing what people are yeah why do you fuck with me give me the exact information

yeah when do you retire jake when do you say i look at myself in the mirror jake i swear to god i look like i'm 90 years old i feel bad for people if they come to see me now because i'm so fucking old so i ask myself every day when do you retire now everybody in this room and everybody listens to the podcast knows if a guy like me retires i die that's when i die like that's yeah you always have to i'm one of those guys that i want to die working you know i never want to be living on a yacht when i'm 65 and making blood i hate all that shit you gotta keep working i respect these older guys definitely that keep fucking working but that's something completely different that's looks and image uh image and appearance and what your mind can handle i'm talking about when

you're getting fucking hit for a living that's a complete different fucking living definitely how old when does a human being go i've had enough lee how long does this take i'm sorry i went to the wrong page yeah no shit you've been going on the wrong page all afternoon and you're supposed to be the computer fucking you know what you did i didn't do nothing fine one i'll show you this one yeah brady i imagine he plays at least a couple more please don't throw him off he's counting with his fingers and you want to talk over him what when does it end jake thought of berger look at him he's that high he's counting with his fucking fingers look at his creepy little fingers look you can tell his grandfather was a diamond smuggler back in israel

in the 40s he's got that natural athritic you can't even count yeah it doesn't really matter guys i'll do it you're 41 years old yeah your your wife is worth millions sure you're worth millions it'll be his sixth one it'll be his sixth ring i think there i think he says ninth super bowl nine he's five and four i think tenth super bowl that's just crazy guys he wins you turn around you say salami the part of your contract is they make you a vp of entertainment activities and they give you a salary of base 350 a year so you could retain your insurance or whatever the fuck deal is you know when i was watching kansas city yesterday against them i remember for a second that joe montana went out yeah playing for the kansas city that's when i was a big chief span yeah

joe montana was marcus allen oh yeah they all went to kansas city at the end and joe did okay in kansas city you retire out of kansas yeah go somewhere else no he retired after kansas city but he still he had that four ring legacy yeah 49 49ers you and they took those two extra three extra years and he looked bad i don't ever want to see tom ready look bad i well the the other year when he got suspended i was actually happy because all i really need him for is the playoffs so i like i think if they drafts hopefully they'll drafts like his next guy because he can't play for that like that much longer but i think he still has like two to three years left i think so i don't think they're gonna start put they're gonna start paying him more to anybody like we'll give you a fucking

three more million to play this year i don't think it takes it's a tough fucking decision no i hope i don't know what how it's gonna end if if he loses i get him coming back another year okay if he wins in my heart i wish he raises his hand says listen it's over it's going to be 20 years till guy shows up and leaves here with six rings good luck and it's against the team that he won his first one again so i could see it being like a surprise one i just the way i'm thinking now i would be surprised but it like it does it would be a good end to the story plus well with bellichick too you know the coach oh he better never leave there like he has to at least be gm for life because yeah i would say like that you were talking

about sony michelle and i was thinking well we had the garret blunt going crazy for a couple years and he left and i was like oh no no one's gonna be able to have touchdowns and that guy has like well like six touchdowns in two games i wasn't a contributor to it oh my god i didn't contribute the dime to it i didn't pay any attention to it at all i checked the result and i knew they were fighting when tito and chuck were fighting it broke my heart it's hard to watch it broke my heart i didn't have to watch it i didn't think ladel would get beat up or knocked out but i knew that people were gonna see you on a different perception people never seen ladel on this prime against babaloo and against randy couture people had seen that they're gonna watch that

fight and go that was that guy and i i just saw the pictures of him he looked old he looked like he didn't belong in there but he's doing it why for financial purposes really because the u of c was paying him when when william morris took over they cut his job as a consultant at least the u of c was taking care of him and he could fucking survive yeah imagine having to go into the ring at however old he was at 47 yeah 49 listen i don't give a fuck what anybody tells you after 40 you start seeing things that unless you're realistic with yourself nobody could else see mm-hmm okay your kicks are gonna lose a little bit of snap to yeah your vision starts to go right you know the reaction reaction time starts to go you think you still have your original movement put yourself

on tape boy are you gonna be disappointed you know when i when i go to the gym when i go to muay thai class in the mornings i know exactly who i am i know exactly how old i am and i know what my purpose is there for do you follow me you see guys that go to the gym and they just don't get it they've been going there for nine months and also like jake put on your gloves and you're like you really don't get it that i can destroy you with my hands you know people just don't see things sometimes i'm happy that yeah you at least took a step back yeah and they're analyzing it you're analyzing it definitely you know and someday you'll maybe officially retire or someday you might say fuck it they offered me too much money to go to japan it's a three-fight contract they're

gonna give me a million dollars my family needs to eat sure we all get pushed into that direction of making that decision you know right uh i felt the noticeable i felt the noticeable difference like 30 31 right around there i don't know what yeah i'm only 33 but i started a fight when i was 20 so it's like i think about 31 i could you kind of feel a little bit of a difference more so reactions maybe not as sharp or you know move as quickly you know i mean the takedown's not as fast but you know you can notice that stuff but the problem with the problem with the fight the sport is people don't like to have that realistic conversation with themselves either you know they like to know i'm good i'm good you know they like to fucking just act like it's not there but

gotta have that objective conversation you know i mean who wants to tell yourself that you're done not anybody i can't imagine you know i mean throughout my comedy career there was moments when i was like you know what i think uh really i want to get a day job at one point and then you come back to your senses you know you're like i'm not ready to give up yet this is happening or this happened but again that's a complete different situation than the fighting and the tom brady situation i don't want to see tom getting sacked yeah and i don't want to see tom's back being broken because he could move you know i can all it takes is one guy missing a block which they have the best offensive line in the world

they really do well that was kind of really fucking do we have like a he's like in his 60s or 70s maybe even 80s or offensive line coach he retired for like two years and the guy who came in kind of stunk pretty he just didn't do it they didn't do as well so they took him out of retirement he's like 80 years old in there yeah you gotta go who's the best no my hats go off to both teams you see like the ramps to the defensive line like they got some fucking killer like dom can see you know uh a few like a few killers on their d line so it's they got and the pager's got a great line offensive line but these guys are getting better your offense is crazy how is our defense of like our defense is usually pretty good whoa what's off you did not play that game

yesterday i did you did not burn a coward i never say the Patriots stop saying i burn a coward the the fourth quarter was very vexing um the Patriots defensive backs are okay usually but we usually have like i'm not so great so i was surprised because you guys have great quarterbacks and like all your kelsey is great you know yeah you guys are why you call them you guys does he look like a fucking randy is how you talk about sports i don't know no you don't keep saying you guys he's not a ram he's jake ellenberger all right all right i'm sorry aren't you happy you fucking i didn't like the last podcast with jake jake got a little too high and i wanted to do joey d is christ killer and lisa at jake ellenberger too and jake ellenberger just to let people know that

don't mess around with drugs you understand me especially weed from joey d is in a bung you never know what you're gonna eat it ain't the same and i didn't mean any malice at all i thought you could handle i don't know i heard you were fucked up till about two in the morning you didn't know what to do i was did you really take a new home oh yeah car park yeah i was like i can't drive i'm fucking i went eight that didn't do nothing no i was talking to k i was like i already know what time it is what day it is i'm over in home and when you woke up the next morning how did you feel i was fucked up still i i yeah a little bit i was still a little bit like what i don't know i was there is a weed hanging over i had the the the snippets like the the visual memory

like a little snip like kind of piecing them back together but it's crazy where did you go to eat i didn't know some some joint down the street i couldn't tell you yeah mexican but yeah they went yeah i know where they were like they didn't tell you she said she goes yeah he was high for yeah they give him i said i didn't give him nothing there's no stars he just smoked i gave you like 31 percent weed yeah and you're a healthy guy you took a big bomb hit and they just kept creeping on you like a finger in the ass it just kept getting deeper and deeper and i would ask you questions and you were like shrug them off i'll say thank god we have a great great people listen to this show and they love that shit like we fucked up a couple people here and a lot of them

with stars you know we had Ada who ended up in the hospital we had uh we had uh the girl who had to put on the couch george perez i had to lay him down with george yeah the best was owen wilson mainly owen benjamin got up and walked out and kept walking next time i talked to him he was on ventura and van eyes walking around the loss they moved to renmond he started using the n-word they threw him off twitter oh shit so somebody sent us a tape of him just you guys yeah before we end this watch this yeah he goes somebody sent us a video a youtube video of oswit owen benjamin this is what pushed him over the edge the star death that pushed him over the edge the podcast that changed owen benjamin's life

jesus christ late so i'm supposed to have this shit right i'm just making so they can see it who could see it the people are watching all right we'll hit it we'll be waiting on flowers here the church of what's happening now monday the day the devil was buried at sea and fucked in the ass and lit on fire and dropped off at cocky's house oh shit owen benjamin what's up police i had uncle joey get those shoes on bitches oh shit pump out those moves cock suckers what what what what what what's the story at least i am i'm doing good oh my god these stores are kicking in fast yeah we're not fucking around i've been fermenting these you know i'm saying these have

been sitting in the dark owen benjamin what's happened just uh the stars are kicking in pretty hard yeah and i wouldn't even let you eat the second one because i know these things smack people around really hard we've done comedy now since college so i was always uh traveling so i never really looked forward to more it's almost like our job is people's party so it's like you don't live in the frat house you know you kind of just kind of go owen benjamin just gave me a look that i recognize it's a look that's telling me what's that oh i'm crazy high yes let's hit you yeah i'm sorry no but it's cool like all your story because you're such a descriptive talk everything you're saying i'm like literally seeing in my head it's really fun oh and we're

feeling all right yeah i'm just gonna get some air yeah no i'm i'm i'm fucking crazy high though okay you want me to you want more water yeah okay let's do some water yeah i told you and you wanted me to i saved you because i like man look at his voice change a little bit and i know he stays in a lot more tremendous yeah those things are strong moment yeah he's just relaxed this is the devil here tonight right fucking function oh yeah no no this is i want to be around this is it when somebody breaks your heart don't how can you handle six because we're training on benjamin

and when benjamin coming back he's coming back he's making a comeback like jerry lewis this is good shit these stars and the stars are dead on benjamin you want to take a walk you're right get some air right there get some air on the bottom and take your water which is just in case you're fucking you know you want to dehydrate a little bit you'll be all right this happens because they have to do a thousand things a little stupid he abandoned shit this is the real deal of the church you know as a matter of fact give me the bag i'm gonna eat another one out of respect

leaving i'm not eating it alone no i didn't get my partner in crying oh my god i respect for you people you know i love you at all in my heart i hope you have a good week i'm eating this star on a fucking solo tip just to let you know we ain't fucking around no more take it a fucking leave it i ain't got time for this shit no more your attitude should be like my attitude it's over we're taking over this bitch right over on cocksucker i really think on benjamin abandoned ship he's the first guest that has ever abandoned ship i don't know i think he's out i could see it there was one point where i could see his eyes just go thank god he said no on the second one yeah he would have been dead i want to thank all in benjamin these stars are

fucking brutal tweet that out though oh my god tweet that out all right you want to vote you're supposed to let's say you're supposed to yeah okay so what do you think about that see you shouldn't feel that bad at least you sat through it like a man you're jake ellenberg out of Omaha Nebraska taking some hits i've taken some punches oh my god that was tremendous but at least you didn't pull a fucking oh and benjamin me you sat there and you took a like a fucking man and now you're back he never came back he just kept going he packed his family up and they were out of here they moved to Beverly Hills like the Beverly Hills i don't know where he went anyway keep us posted what's the name of

your company with that the the role you gave me in the ball hyper rice yeah hyper rice you have a web page yeah there's hyperice.com it's great that role i love it i fucking love that bro i love it it saves my life it really does man but uh i wish you the best of luck your family whatever you want to come on the fucking podcast thank you i'm sorry about fucking japan you last time no i felt really horrible and i want to tell you to face that i didn't jab you it was just regular fucking strong we yeah and let you motherfuckers know i don't fuck around so if you come by the voodoo lounge you too are gonna get zapped they're gonna have to uber home remember who else uber thompson girl uber yeah thompson girl uber so a bunch of people yeah fuck it we weren't fucking around

here for a while no you hung it out like a man appreciate it so thank you very much you're always family you're always welcome on the show i want to thank you guys for listening don't forget thursday night braya it's gonna be a fucking on and then friday night that's all that's available it's thursday and friday saturday sold out so get your motherfucking tickets don't forget valentine's day in san jose valentine's day in san jose what are you fucking nuts or what all right i want to thank my main man jake ellenberger too the first time we had technical difficulties there was a malfunction i want to thank the christ killer but most of all i want to thank you guys but before we leave i want to talk to you about something all right listen how much longer can

you stand on line at the post office you know you want your new year's resolution that you can actually keep stop wasting your time by going to the post office and you can send letters and packages right from your desk do it today with stamps dot com me my wife that's all we use and we've been using them for years why because they bring the postal us postal service right to you use your computer to print the official us postage for any letter or any size package going anywhere in the world and the best part is the mailman will pick it up right in front of the house no more lugging boxes to the post office stamps dot com is also going to save you money by giving you a discounted rate on stamps that you can't even get at the post office you're never going to pay full

price for stamps again and their postage meters are a fraction of the cost plus you don't have to sign a lease and there's no long-term commitment if you're leaving money on the table if you don't sign up that's what you're doing you're leaving money on the table if you don't sign up so do me a favor i use stamps dot com personally my wife because it's a no brain it saves me time and money right now they got a special offer four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale to start the new year right get your trial today you own a business you're starting a new business a small business doesn't matter stamps dot com is the way to go go to stamps dot com right now do me a favor grab the pen and click the microphone on the top of the homepage and use promo code church why go to stamps

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the show you want to show a little support again this is going to help your business why not give it a shot go to zip recruiter dot com slash joey again church chu rch that's zip recruiter dot com slash joey zip recruiter is a smarter way to hire i want to thank the zip recruiter and i want to thank the stamps dot com for supporting us this week but most importantly i want to thank you guys for being the best family we could have you know not at least too high right now to answer but he just nodded his head like a fucking momo yeah you guys are the guys of the business won't say a word listen you guys are the goods and i love you don't forget thursday and friday night brand a couple tickets left uh february 14th san jose the san jose improv

and most important treasure island the 22nd and the fox theater in tusan on the 23rd i love you guys with all my heart i will see you thursday morning tip top to magoo ready to go kick this fuck amuly i want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart as i me or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company

wait and see i mean i want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so and that's when i'll discover that revenge is sweet as i sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you like you