Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #655 - Vladimir Caamaño

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

Vladimir Caamaño, a comedian and actor seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” atManscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   

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It's a whole new day out there. Kick that fucking mule, Lee. There you go. Monday morning. You may not like Puerto Ricans, but we're here, cocksucker. It's the church of what's happening now. Vladimir Camacho. Camano. Camacho. Camano.

Camano. Camano. The Christ killer, the original Jew from Brazil. Fucking Lee Syed. And your Uncle Joey coming at you on a beautiful fucking Monday morning, all right? It's raining, it's cold, but you got to get out there and stab a motherfucker. And that's it, and that's that. Groovin'.

Oh, shit. Here we go. Here we go, Lee. Wiggle it, Lee. Burn some calories, cocksucker. There you go. Ay! Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

La calle está durísima. He's saying it's tough out there to be a brother. You know what I'm saying? La calle se ha puesto dura Y no se sabe quien es quien Oye, mira, doble cara What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Monday morning, it's a new month.

You're like, what happened to Christmas? Up your ass. It's fucking gone, all right? It's February, it's Valentine. You got two weeks to get it together. So you better find somebody and fucking get some chocolates or something like that. Vladimir Camano is in the house. Somebody I

wanted on the show for a long time. A lot of you guys have heard of him. A lot of you guys haven't. I've been hearing about him for about two years and it's a pleasure to finally have you in studio. Ships in the night, my friend. What's going on, brother? I'm here what's going on brother i'm here in la man i'm here for pilot season like we just talked about trying to figure out what the next

step is the next role the next show the next thing and uh just trying to keep keep pursuing the dream how old are you now 37 bro and you started comedy when 11 years ago 10 years ago in new york 0 oh seven around there after college yeah I graduated oh three from college what major I was psychology major okay perfect I was a chemistry major for the first three years couldn't couldn't hack it wasn't my thing then I suppose I can't see you the Dominican Republic fucking turn and powder at the pace oh yeah see that and originally from by the way the pharmacist you know how it is in to pace through you. Oye, ¿cuánto necesita? ¿Cuánto necesita?

And originally from... And by the way, the pharmacist, you know how it is in Latino communities. They treat him like he's the doctor. He's the fucking doctor. They torment your fucking life when you're the pharmacist. And this guy just puts pills in bottles. They act like he's the doctor. Oye, ¿qué tú recom...

What do you recommend for a broken elbow? Oh, you put a little of this right there? You're good. Spanish people buy into that shit. Yes, man. If you watch Spanish TV, put it on late at night, they sell everything. If you're fat, you take a pill.

That's why you see people, Spanish people, fatter than fuck. We don't ask for evidence. They have fucking paperwork. They have like this liquid that you drink and you put in your food and it takes all the calories out. They sell all the bad products. Yes, bro.

And then your mother says, it's solo unico. Yeah. It's the one thing. Like you said that about the last 10 medications, mom. How is this the one thing that's going to turn the tide? When I was a kid, I was raised on emulsion of cod. Oh, my God, dude. That is so much vitamin A if you're not careful.

Emulsion of cod from the ages of four to about 10 and then she gave up what was the reason just to fortify you just to she was scared and i gotta be honest with you that shit makes you as strong as a bull now they have it in strawberry flavor whenever i have i walk past cvs i always see it i'm tempted but i know it tastes like ass. When you drank it, it was straight. It started straight out of a spoon, and then I cried for a long time. Then I made my mom mix it with orange juice, and it would curdle.

You had to down that motherfucker. It was just horrid, just horrid what it does to you as a kid. But it yoked me up because I was always a sickly kid. As he coughs, as he coughs. Yeah, no, no, but I had tonsil problems. My tonsils would swell up. I was allergic to maple syrup. I was allergic to a lot of foods back then.

And I would swell up. It was just a fucking, you know, I remember being in an emergency room every week for a month one time damn from like four to five and once i started going to kindergarten in new york and you start breathing all those germs from those nasty kids your defenses go up you oh they go away you got no choice they go way up you know new york in the 70s and that was dirty new york dirty new york needles on the street e coli started there right that's where cola started in new york i don't know a lot of started there that's when we were eating paint chips like what yeah lead was in the lead was everywhere bro

paint chip eating content no you wouldn't go to kindergarten me and a bunch of kids the tap water tasted like silver mercury yeah you drank it all that tap water in jersey yeah when i went to mckinley that that dungeon used to torture people down there they put pipes yeah you drank it all that tap water in jersey yeah when i went to mckinley that that dungeon he used to torture people down there they put pipes and you drank from it it's you and you drink and go ah like it was good like it was delicious it's so weird how water is such a scam like that's the biggest scam we buy what do you mean you know what the water industry makes every fucking year billions of dollars billions of dollars and the billions and every week there's a new water company and it's water from a backyard at the end of the day it's water from the backyard a couple years ago ben and teller did a show called

yeah on showtime remember that yeah showtime one of the first places they went there was a water bar in hollywood a water bar there was a bar in hollywood 10 years ago that was called the water bar i don't know people telling me years ago. That was called the water bar I don't know people telling me about that you go down there All these waters from around the world and like sticky Charlie like icky Rick Fucking feels friend that he used to have. Oh, yeah from all over the world. They got here in that way Wait, what are you talking about? the one we were they would get like a slab of ice from like Iceland

and then melt it and put like mint in it and you would be drinking water from Iceland. So these motherfuckers, Penn and Teller went down there and took a hose from the back and just filled it up and gave people hose water. Couldn't tell the difference. And people were like, we really like this water and shit like that.

It's just bullshit. It's just bullshit. It's just bullshit. The water industry is the biggest bullshit industry that we believe in. They give you the same water. You have a water filter at home or you drink straight out of the tap? I drink straight. Well, I have the water. I get the water by the gallon.

Right. So I don't know if it's good or not. Who the fuck knows what's in there? You're just drinking and praying for the best. You know you're getting scammed. Right. You know you're getting scammed. Right. You know you're getting scammed. They're not getting any water, any different from anywhere else.

When you travel, though, when you travel to different places, do you find differences in the water when you shower? Because I've been in some places where, like, I'll shower, skin is less dry, you know, hair is better. Other places, like, you feel like this. Because when I come out of the shower, I'm still fat. And that's all that matters. If you find me water that makes me skin like Jesus water, that's the fountain I need.

If I'm still fat, I don't know. I never really thought about it. I love showers. So do I, bro. I could sit in the shower for an hour. The best jokes I'll ever write is when I'm sitting in the shower for two hours. You take cold showers or hot showers? Hot, hot.

I switch it up to cold, back to hot, steaming. Sometimes if it's steaming, I'll sit on the side of the wall and make believe I'm a homeless guy that lives under the train. And he lives next to me and gets steamed. I do a lot of fucking crazy shit in the shower. If you have a nice shower in your hotel, the chances are I'm coming back to your comedy club. Have you done steam rooms and all that? Like steam room and sauna?

Yeah. I love that stuff, bro. The Hollywood Y has the best double punch combination. What's double punch? Double punch. They got the steam next to the sauna. Oh, for real? And then the pool right outside of it.

I know. I've been to the Hollywood Y. Where's that at? yeah on schrader what's that straighter right on the up right before you hit vine what's the hollywood wide charging these days it's up there but you know lunchtime you go upstairs and play hoops at denzel washington at the hollywood wire yeah they play hoops at lunchtime and i'm talking about like ballers. Like I remember living in front, because I lived across the street from it. And for years I would avoid it. When I was 400 pounds, like when I did the longest yard,

I may believe it was like a woman's shelter. Women get beat up and put over there. I don't know nothing about a gym over there. And then I saw the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers one day at about 11, dribbling the ball down the block And he's what's what he doing here. He was that played ball at the fucking why every damn much Really, I started hearing the rumors and then me and my wife joined I became in love with it. That's why I first

Lost the first hundred pounds is that that why you felt comfortable that you thought? I was the fucking best the first time I went that one is as a swimmer That was the easiest thing I could do so I would go into the fat man pool They got like a little kid pool. It's three feet 90 degrees You just float like it's a picture you like oh my god. I would go in there like at 4 45 in the morning I was so embarrassed. So the Y opens up at 4. In those days, the Y opened up at 4.45.

And I'd walk right in at 4.45. What time would you get up? 4.20. Jesus. Drink a cup of coffee, smoke a joint, and shoot right. Pre-game. Pre-workout. Your pre-workout.

Pre-workout. And I would go over there. and i would sit in the steam first the wooden one that you throw water on the rock yeah the sauna yeah sitting there first warm up the body stretching there and now we're going to the steam room and put eucalyptus on that motherfucker and they'll tell you not to throw water on it i throw gallons in there you couldn't even look it It was like fucking, there could be a fucking black dude sitting next to you, and you couldn't tell there was so much fog in that fucking room.

And when they walk in, you go, hey, what's up? They go, what? Yeah. And then I would go back into the steam, and then I would do a lap. I'd do a half hour in the pool, kicking, moving my arms. Just when I was 418 pounds, I was still, I wasn't athletic. I had just stopped exercising so i just went back in the pool went back to basic started pulling myself and shit

and i did that for a few months and then i just started punching the bag i would hit the bag there in the afternoons i would go there like a quarter to nine it would close at 10 so i'll go to quarter to nine i would hit the bag and ride the stationary bicycle. But something happened. One day I jumped in the pool. I went in the afternoon, and I thought that the fat man pool was going to be open, and it was filled with Russian women

and a bunch of little kids pissing in there. So I signed up for the Olympic pool. And I put my name on the Olympic pool, not even fucking thinking. And I put my goggles on. Oh, God. Because I used to swim at the, before I went to prison, I swam. I was part of the master swimming program in Boulder. And I swam three times a week, fucking all out with a coach.

Time is, I learned how to. Backstroke, freestyle. Everything. Doggy, you're doing all the strokes. You'd get in there and they'd have a blackboard of what you had to do. Level one had to do 8-8-80s with the 30-second rest and two-minute intervals.

Level two had to do this. And Colorado has high elevation, too. Oh, yes. And when you went, and if it snowed, you still had to go. It was outside. It was an outdoor pool? So they would shovel the fucking path from the locker room to the two entrances and the diving board. And you had to walk through the snow and jump in.

It was a heated pool. Oh, I thought I was going to say, damn. It was a heated pool. So I learned how to swim. So I went back into this. So I get there. I said, let me go into the Olympic pool. And without thinking, I jumped.

And it was completely different. It was like 58 degrees, which right away takes the oxygen right out of your fucking lungs, bro. And I'm in the middle of the pool. I'm like four laps in, and there's people next to me like fucking boats just flying. And I'm going for my life. I'm swimming. I'm swimming. I'm doing everything I life. I'm swimming. I'm swimming. I'm doing everything I can. I'm kicking. I got the form

down where I pop up and I spun backwards. Like I was pointing like two o'clock in that direction. From you to triangle. I was already starting to drown and I just held onto the rope and people were like stop holding onto the rope. And when they would take off I would swim from rope

to rope like Tarzan under the pool until I got to the rope. And when they would take off, I would swim from rope to rope like Tarzan under the pool until I got to the edge. And that's when the Sopranos was really hot. So I kept walking into this Y and the one day I went in the afternoon, as soon as I walk in, these three little lifeguards come up to me. They're like,

you're the dude from the Sopranos. I'm like, don't get the fuck away from me. I'm not the dude from the Sopranos. I'm like, dog, get the fuck away from me. I'm not the dude from The Sopranos. Leave me alone. So now I'm drowning. I'm holding on to the wall, and they see this. And they're like, mister, mister, are you OK?

I'm like, no, get me out of here. I can't breathe. And they could see it. Like, I was in panic. I had panic attack. The color from my face was gone. I was starting to lose consciousness and shit. And they hit the buzzer they hit the

panic buzzer for everybody to come in wow embarrassment embarrassment then they told me swim to the middle and we'll drop a hoist in to pull you out like orca you swim in like bro you swim i mean are they just sitting there going how can we make this more embarrassing yeah they go let's go back into the middle. That's what I'm saying. There's a writer's room. They were going to drop a net in, and then you swim into the net, and the net pulls you out. And then the thing comes around, and I'm like, guys, I can't swim back out there.

Like, my legs are done. I'm done. Like, this is crazy. And finally they go, let's pull them out. So the three of these little Mexican kids, two little Mexican kids got one arm and the chick's got the other arm. And you're still panicking. I'm 4'18". I'm panicking.

I'm trying to keep it together. And they're pulling, they're pulling, they're pulling. There ain't nothing going on. And I said, God, if you get my one leg out of here, I will go to church every fucking Sunday. It's all about goals. Get the one leg out, God. That's it. The one leg.

So I threw that 190-pound piece of meat over. And I hung there for a few minutes. They had me by the head. They had me by the neck. It's called pacing, Lee. You got to pace yourself. And I spun myself over. And I rolled like two or three times.

Oh, my God. And I got up like miraculously. And everybody had stopped in the pool and. And I got up like miraculously. And everybody had stopped in the pool and was looking at me. Miraculously. I got up miraculously. Bro, miraculously. Miraculously.

Because I was out of breath. I was all huffed and puffed out. Now I had to pick up 418 pounds. Here I am with a bikini, nine inches of fat hanging over the bikini from all directions. Wait, you were wearing a Speedo? No, I would never wear a Speedo. But no matter what I wore, my gut was hanging six inches over. And I'm in the middle of this fucking huge Olympic pool. And the people are frozen.

Everybody's time is freezing. And thank God I put my towel. Like most people put their shit in a locker. No, no, no, no. I don't trust nobody. I kept my towel with a warm-up jacket and my keys to the house in a warm-up jacket. Like 10 feet away. And while they're talking to me, they're like, are you okay?

Do you want oxygen? I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So as I'm walking out, I look and I see the ambulance. They call the ambulance. They call 911. They call the ambulance on me, bro. How can we make this more embarrassing and i see them coming in like with the thing and i put my jacket and i put the hood on in disguise there's like a side

door and i went around i came out to the side with a locker when you go into the y you can go on the girl's side of the boy's side i came through there and the little kids kept running after mr mister the ambulance is here they want to help you know my fuckers red band I just got pulled off he had I took an edible when he called an ambulance on himself and they charged him eighteen hundred bucks so I said fuck you that's all I kept thinking about was eighteen hundred I ain't given nobody eighteen hundred and dog as I walked out of there the kids kept saying to me, are you going to be okay?

Are you going to be able to work on The Sopranos? And I'm like, I'm not that bad. Before I said that, I go, yeah, I'm going to be working on The Sopranos. And I just walked out and left and never came back from the embarrassment. And then about four months later, I went in there,

and nobody said a word to me. Until about five years later, I see a kid from the Y. At the vet I go to, I had to pick up food for my cat, and I see a young kid, a different kid from the Y there. I had known him for maybe a month.

And as I get in my car, I felt bad. And I go, are you going to the Y? And he goes, yeah. I go, I live right across the street. Do you want a ride? And he goes, yeah. I go, get in the car. We get in the car.

We start driving. I go, how long have you been working at the Y? You know, just small chatter. You know, a couple years ago, I almost drowned at the the y and without missing a beat and he didn't look at me he goes i know that's the first story they told me when i got the job there they probably showed on the security footage they probably have tapes of motherfuckers i wonder if you're part of like the training program like when you let him out the car car You said listen this stays between us

No I didn't say nothing I was just like in a way I was shocked But I wasn't surprised I still kept going I still bared the embarrassment But what are you going to do Dude I wasn't that big I was a chubby kid in like grade school

In high school And I hated when you were playing basketball And they would say shirts and skins As you know shirts and skins is one team shirtless one team shirts i was at a tournament in the heights with my older brother and they said we couldn't afford they couldn't afford t-shirts for both teams so they had one team with shirts and they were like the rest skins i happen to be on the skins team bro i disappeared no one knew where i was at this before cell phones and they were short like a man because

i was like i'm not wearing skins to play ball bro these titties are not leaving the shirt because of the shame you feel ashamed i would have traded myself i'd be like i'm gonna go to the other that's what i should have been i should have negotiated a trade deal but i didn't have an agent at the time to to navigate those waters but yeah it's shame bro like showing your body's a big deal were you the kid that would wear a t-shirt like to the pool were you ever that guy i wasn't fat i wasn't a fat kid it was older when you got older when i got here was right we got fat all that i was always in good shape and i would you know i didn't really i wasn't body conscious at all you got what you get right you know what i'm saying like if you get fucked up shoulders you get fucked up shoulders

listen you can sit at home on saturday and sunday you can go down there to the pool make believe like you're fucking superman and that's exactly what i did i just made believe like i was just a regular person you know like whatever body disposition you have you're not going to stay at home i met a girl here years ago we didn't date anything we were friends and there was something we were going to do at the beach. And I said to her, the comedy store. She was a waitress at the store. And I said, are you going to go to the event?

And she goes, I don't go to outdoor events. I go, why not? She goes, because that means you've got to wear shorts, and I've got to show my legs. And this girl was really pretty, but she felt her legs were too short. And I felt like saying, guys don't give a fuck about your legs your legs they just give a about what's between the legs right you know like don't worry about your legs she was like i'm really embarrassed about my calves and my legs so a lot and she goes i'm looking into surgery

really like cabin plan cabin plans right yeah this is 20 years ago she's long gone you know you know she's just a nice girl that worked at the store that it scars you bro it scars like my dad my dad when i was growing up he hated like shape ups like you know when you get a haircut the barber gives you a shape up he was like that's what hoodlums do hoodlums so i would go to school with a haircut but no shape up so my line was just a roadmap teachers would make fun of me kids would make fun of me i didn't get my no shape up so my line was just a road map teachers would make fun of me kids would make fun of me i didn't get my first shape up till i was a senior in high school and if you know you new york you know you know new york jewelry haircuts matter the haircut you got the fade you know the lineup like that matters that girls like that and the well i was born in the heights

i was born in the heights and then uh Heights is 181st Street around there? 181st Street. That's Dominicanville. Dominicanville. You know what it is. It used to be Jewish. Right. Neighborhood change.

My aunt's husband was a super on 181st and Fort Washington. Okay. So there used to be a movie theater. Dude. On the corner. Yes. A black movie theater. And then down the block, there was another one that showed two for $5 movies.

I think the one right before Broadway, right? Right. The Coliseum, when you step in the floor, it was mad sticky because nobody cleaned it. Yes, right, for 20 years. Bro, Lee, it was filthy in there, bro. And then 50 yards from that was a Carvel. Yo, the Carvel was now- Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, Joey?

The Carvel is the first place I tried ice cream cake. That was dog dog that's my when i i knew about that neighborhood as a child and i went up there to cop weed at 179th by the by the by the terminal right by the bus so i would get off the bus and i would walk two blocks i would shoplift uh he had a to-do list let me shoplift at 11 come on that was a starving comic my third year comedy i got a job working on 57th and 11th at those car dealerships way out that's way on the way on the west side way on the west side so i would go over the george washington bridge there were mornings i woke up i didn't have money for the fucking bus. Wow, man. So I would walk to it. I would have enough for a bagel or the bus.

It would either be a bagel and a Coke or a bus. So I would take the fucking bagel and then go to Safeway. I'd have a briefcase like a salesman with a suit. And I'd steal yeast infection medication and aspirins. And then I'd walk it across the bridge. And all those bodegas on the other side, would buy all that shit yeast infection and boxes from me And do that and then I would take my money by drugs breakfast I have money for the rest of the day. Would you get the idea to sell that to the bodegas?

Would you get junkies told me junkies would do that? It's like a it's like a TED talk Junkies would do that tell me all the time whenever you need money Go to Fort lee or somewhere there and shoplift yeast infection like uh antisetophen you know like acetaminophen like high level aspirin and there was something else they liked i can't remember what it was that they sold a lot of so there was such a big yeast infection population in that area. Bro, I would go to Safeway and they would have like the 10 of them out

on the shelf, but then right over it they would have a box of that. I would just take the whole box and put it in the briefcase and walk over and they would give me like $35 a box. That's $70. Wow. So if you get off on $178 Cash. Cash. So if you get off on 178. Cash. Cash. So if you get off on 178,

they used to be OTB. Off-track betting. Right. It's still there. I think it's still there. Best times I had in my life. Creepiest people you'll ever see. The best fist fights ever were at OTB.

If you think the UFC is good, go to the OTB on 178. Bro. 178. So I had a system. I would get off Port Authority. I would cross the street, and that's 179. Right there, right?

I know exactly where it is. And I would walk down the corner, and there would be Cubans there. This is 1984, 83, 85. So crack hasn't hit yet. Crack was hitting, but it wasn't on that block. That block was strictly Wefa. It was Cuban refugees from Mariel. And you would go down there, buy weed,

and there was a bodega. I'd go in there, get a fucking Cocorico and a pack of rolling papers, Easy Wider, and I'd go in the alley, I'd fucking roll the joint. I had a Walkman in those days with a cassette, and I'd play the walker, and I'd walk back to Broadway smoking a joint. And then when I hit 187, I'd go down to 176, and there was a Cuban restaurant there.

176 and what? Broadway. Right there, there was a Cuban restaurant. And right around the corner, there was a park. So sometimes I would go to the Cuban restaurant, go to the bathroom, roll another joint. Is that by that big feeder? Yes. The old church?

The old church. The old church where in sleepers. I'm going to say, what's the name of that theater? You know what I'm talking about, right? I remember the theater, and then down the corner is the hospital. Yeah, exactly. 165 is the hospital on Broadway.

I knew that area. You know how many times I went in that theater because it was windy, and I would just put a joint in the corner and smoke it to try to get the wind out. You know how many times i went in that theater because it was windy and i would just like put a joint in the corner and smoke it to try to get the wind out you know how many times i went to that theater that was my hangout neighborhood because i worked on 52nd and 7th so i didn't have to be until five you know me dog i'm an early riser i get up at 10 ready to rock 4 a.m to go with the pool so i would fucking go into the city, go do all that. All that shit was done by 11.30.

So by the time 11.30 came, I had an option. I could go to Carvel and hit the two-movie theater, the double feature. That's why I saw Thief of Hearts and Scarface. You saw Scarface in the theaters? But they replayed it with Thief of Hearts. Thief of Hearts was a movie

Stephen Bauer did. Two or three years later that was horrendous it was horrendous they were trying to parlay the scarface into with thief of hearts it was thief of hearts scarface and then i saw uh that's the first time i ever sat through i saw office of the gentleman and i saw fucking American Gigolo. Crazy. I had seen American Gigolo and I hated Richard Gere, but I went to Office and the Gentleman because I had to kill two hours of work. It was cold out there, but it was one of my favorite movies. And then, so now

I would always have a choice between 178 or 181st on the corner. But 181st was a black movie theater. So it was a different crowd. It was a different vibe. Right. This was, the other place was the sticky floor

where it was filthy and people drank. Because I think I nut they showed porn there. Oh my God, who knows what they showed in there, dude. The seats were all torn up, bed bugs were all over the place. It was terrible. I think I got bugs there. I wouldn't be surprised. I got crabs in there.

It was disgusting. The tickets weren't even like tickets. Yeah, it was a dollar for two movies, bro. It was brutal, man. It was a dollar? Yeah, it was brutal. It was brutal. It was brutal. It was brutal.

It was brutal. Oh, yeah, that's pretty awesome. 1984, 1985. But if you walked 50 yards up, they had like a modern Lowe's and shit. Right. And the first movie I wanted to see in there was the Shogun of Harlem. You talking about The Last Dragon? The Last Dragon. And black people were going crazy. Have you seen that movie, Lee? was the the show gun of holland he's talking about uh you talking about the last dragon the last

dragon and black people were going crazy have you seen that movie lee i think i've seen pieces but that's the first time these are cultural moments that's in new york that's the first time i saw that i had heard about black movie theaters i had heard about black people in movie theaters but that's the and there's a movie theater scene in that movie. Yes, there's a movie theater scene in that movie. When they go into that movie. Yes. So I went to see that.

Barry Gordy's The Last Dragon. That's a tremendous movie. The show got a hauling, which he just died two years ago. Are you serious? He just died two years ago. We even put it up. We even put it up because it was on Twitter. It's a sad day in martial arts history.

Yo, such a classic, bro. The show Gunnar Harlem died. Fucking Vanity. Vanity was in it. Vanity was in it. Remember the villain, the guy with the piranhas? Yeah, the guy with the piranhas and the guy from Goodfellas. Who the guy from Goodfellas?

Who? It was his bodyguard. The guy, totally, totally untraceable. He plays the bodyguard to the little guy in there. The villain. The villain, yeah. The that was that guy did a thousand movie roles god bless he was a character actor right he was a character I see him at the story he's Frenchie and goodfellas he played Frenchie for real yeah he's Frenchie and goodfellas same guy Rogan knows him really well

that's hilarious but I'm gonna tell you what movie taught me the most about life, about African-American people. Deep down inside, bro, African-American people love white people. They really do. And that's why they get so hurt. Because every black person, every African-American person you meet, if you talk to them a little bit and get to know them, they dig something white and they're ashamed to say like I had an african-american friend that wouldn't tell nobody he was a fucking beetle fan

mmm in the 70s of you like you can tell motherfucker you like the Beatles they smack you yeah your three black cousins I see your point i see no there was something about certain values that were associated with whiteness because i remember having similar experiences in in like in grade school in high school new york was the king of that if you read something about why are you reading that shit you know i mean right oh i'm sorry you hide it because you're right it was associated with like white society and it was a shame thing about it like but you're right, it's... There was a guy when I met him. When I did The Long and Short, my dear friend,

her husband was African American. And we had been dear friends. I mean, dear friends. He's from Compton. He's from Compton. He grew up in gangs and shit. Right. You know, the whole fucking thing.

And do you know what she told me once? She goes, Joey Joey he's on his way to Hollywood to take a picture because he wants to be a an extra and the longest yard I thought what are you talking about he goes he's a big Adam Sandler fan your husband the gang member with the gut yeah he thinks Adam Sandler is like Jesus Christ so African Americans really do love they have white heroes they really do they have to be like me I'm Cuban I had white heroes they have to be we love the Godfather yeah we love the

Godfather so guess what movie I saw that made black people almost kill each other and I've watched a thousand movies. I want to guess this. What year was this? 85. It's probably a really white movie. Like The Breakfast Club or something? No, no, no.

It's just... 85, I saw something, but I thought black people were going to kill everybody in that movie. All right, listen. I want to guess this. Give me a hint. Was it a film in New York? Was it... It's an army movie.

Army movie. Are the live viewers commenting, trying to guess this? No. Okay. Because this is good trivia. An army movie, 85. Well, listen. I ain't know Houdini.

Rambo. For real? I would never guess that. Bro. So, when Rambo shot that Japanese dude with the arrow that exploded, black people's heads almost blew the fuck up. Really? But the scene that made them go crazy was when he hit himself in the mud and the Russian was looking for him and all of a sudden his eyes opened up

and he came out and stabbed the dude. Black people went, they were high-fiving, going, that's my motherfucker., that's my motherfucker. Rambo's my motherfucker. That's a motherfucker. But when he pulled that arrow back and blew that Vietnamese guy off, because in that time he had arrows that had explosives, and the guy's shooting at him, and then he runs, and he shoots at him,

and he realizes he's out of bullets, and Austin Rambo pulls the thing back, and you could hear every black person going, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. No, he ain't. No, he ain't. No, no, no. When the Vietnamese guy blew up, they fucking all were up on their feet yelling, high-fiving, what the fuck. Fuck Martin Luther King. They were fucking karate chopping each other in the neck.

I was like this, dog. I was looking back going, oh my God. When he shot that Vietnamese dude with the arrow and that dude blew up, African Americans went fucking nuts. They walked out of there happier than fuck. When he does that speech in the end. Bro, I had a joke one time about it. Because Netflix has this new show called Black Mirror.

Black what? Black Mirror. Black Mirror. And I was at the Gotham Comedy Club and everybody's like, oh my God, it's so interactive. You can interact. I was like, yo, we've been doing that for years. Like, you go to any theater in New York, like in those days, we're interacting with the movie. You know what I'm saying? Bro, I remember 42nd Street.

It was 42nd Street. Bro, porn and then... And people would get into arguments. Like, if you went to a movie, if you played hooky and went to a movie in the daytime, you know, in those days at the mental house, they would give you, like, a day pass, like a bus ticket. A little recess.

And give you, like, a little movie ticket, and you would go to the movie ticket by yourself. So a lot of those movie theaters in the daytime of the matinee were fucked up people in New York in those days. Like that little yellow bus would pull up and you'd see like guys walk out that were schizophrenic and shit.

And here they are watching like a Charles Bronson movie and shit. Where were they coming from? Bro, that would never fly today. It would never fly. I still remember. That would never fly today. It would never fly. I still remember. That would never fly today. That is hilarious.

Some of the kidnapped people were like. I still remember being in San Francisco in 85 and paying a dollar for three Clint Eastwood movies. Like Dirty Harry, the other one, and the other one. You go in there at 11 in the morning, you don't walk out until 5. And then it starts again at 6,, you don't walk out till five. And then it starts again at six and you don't walk out till midnight. I mean, you gotta be a fucking animal to go to those.

But people, it was packed. That's incredible. We were in San Francisco and there was that one scene in one movie where he shot like four black dudes first, then three more, but then some black guy got up in the back, and this had to be 86, and he got up in the back,

and he's like, if he shoots one more nigga, I'm leaving. That is epic. And I'm like, what the fuck? And nobody said nothing. What I want to ask you about is, what was it like, and I hope you did, what was it like going to see Bruce Lee movies in the theater? Did you get that opportunity to see as I did? Yes, I did

You can't describe it you can't people forget how in the inner city Bruce was a bomb dude like We would lose our minds watching those movies. Listen the Vietnam War movies listen the Vietnam War made this country lose a lot of hope you know like it the country was in a weird time I had just gotten here from Cuba black people of african-americans were fighting for their shit up on 125th Street Harlem right mother had a bond on the 27th Street you could feel the tension there was a different pride to the African American in New York. I still remember walking with my best friend, the black kid, Jasper Williams, walking on Broadway, lying to our mothers that we were going to go play checkers,

and walking to buy the new James Brown hot pants. Hot pants. I still remember me and him walking the 120th first in Broadway. Nobody at the age of five walked five blocks. Crazy. In New York, they did. My daughter would never fucking walk five blocks. I'd kill her.

But we would. Bro, you wouldn't even let her go to the grocery store by herself. No. But it was a different time. People, people, people. You had a homie with you. Nobody was going to snatch you up. People, people, people, you know, you had a homie with you.

Nobody was going to snatch you up. But when Bruce Lee came, Bruce Lee first appeared on The Green Hornet. Correct. And then he disappeared. That's right. Nobody really knew what was going on. Nobody knew his name. Just people were like, what happened to The Green Hornet?

Then Fist of Fury came out. He went to China china that's right the first one and that it was popular but it didn't win a mobile it didn't really win a moment i'm talking to you from a new yorker going to see fiesta fury i saw fiesta fury at the union city cinema hilarious in those days on 48 Street, across from a barber. We were talking about barbers and he was my barber. His name was Angelito.

He would cut your hair and then he would put spray in your hair like even if he didn't want it, that shit doesn't hold. He'd give it to you. He'd give it to you. Mad shiny for no reason.

And then he'd put purple lights on you and he'd go, meet a little pares un gatito. That's how you get them tips, baby. And you would be looking in the middle like oh shit. I'm a legend baby I'm a king get some pussy. I'm not in these streets. You got nothing, but he was right across the street from there I remember going to see that movie and like going back that night like my mom had a bar on 29th Street, so

48 she was what the movie theater was. It had to be 7, 8, and then he released. Then I was in Catholic school. Which one? Where'd you go to? Sacred Heart School for Boys in Kearney, New Jersey. Okay. From the 3rd to the 5th grade.

In the 4th grade, I still remember taking showers, being in our pajamas, and sitting around watching Happy Days with, like, 14 other kids in the dormitory. And all of a sudden, they showed the trailer. Like, we were all talking in between commercials, like, yeah, we're gonna play tag tomorrow. And all of a sudden, they showed the trailer for the Chinese Connection.

And the room went... Silent. He sucked the air out of the room the trailer just took this air out of the room you knew this was gonna be big i still remember my stepdad and mom my mom and my stepdad picking me up on friday thursday night and like going okay that's it he's like i'm gonna be there do you want to go into manhattan to see your godmother and i'm like we're going, do you want to go into Manhattan to see your godmother? And I'm like, we're going to see Bruce Lee tonight. Like, I'm finding a way to go see Bruce Lee.

And they're like, we had so many plans. No. And I still remember my father taking me to see. But you got to remember, before Bruce Lee came, movie Five Fingers of Death kicked off the Asian scene with the red hand and the iron palm technique. Then Bruce Lee came, which made it harder. But Five Fingers of Death kicked down the door.

Five Fingers of Death kicked down the door. And then once Bruce Lee hit, that's it. New York had become a kung fu cultural event. Yo, that was a very specific time. Yes, man. That's what I want to talk about. They were all doing the whole thing. That's what I want to talk about. Harlem had its own the whole thing. That's what I want to talk about.

Harlem had its own style of Kung Fu. Shota Khan and karate. Everything became Kung Fu because that's what Bruce Lee did. Everybody wanted to study Wing Chun. There was no Wing Chun in New York. Maybe one guy in the East Village. He had 9,000 students and shit. He had to teach two classes 24 hours a day.

If you watch Martin, there's a scene, even the show Martin, that scene from Chinese Connection, Bruce goes, why did you kill my teacher? Why, why, why, why? Tremendous. Dude, it was, and that, like, UFC's great now. That's all great. But, like, the 80s martial arts, when Steven Seagal came out

and Van Damme and all that other stuff. Nothing, nothing, nothing compared. Because there was more going on. Right. And you're talking about New York. So let me tell you what was going on in New York that destroyed New York. So while Bruce Lee is kicking the shit out of people, and we're all in movie theaters,

and you motherfuckers don't believe me, bitches, you better go up and draw up your stats right now. Because I just, I hate Major League Baseball. But it stuck on my thing because I don't know how to change it on Sirius. When I bought the car, I got Major League Baseball, but it stuck on my thing because I don't know how to change it on serious. When I bought the car, I got Major League Baseball. This morning. I always wondered why you had those stations. Yeah, I don't know nothing about it. I got three Studio 54s.

I only need one. I got three of them. This morning they were talking about fucking the Cincinnati Reds winning the pennant. And then the next season, they barely made 500. And he started talking about there was something going on in this country. At this point, the Mets had just won. You got to believe was the slogan. Fucking New York City was on fire.

It was 1969 and shit. New York was dirty. There was garbage everywhere. Rats. There was fucking garbage. I remember as a kid, we did everything in the daytime. But one thing we did three times a week, I swear to my daughter, is we'd kill a rat. That's when rats came out in the daytime.

They didn't give a fuck, Jack. We'd be out like in the corner and go, what the fuck is that? Is that a rat? And we'd chase it, then hit it with rocks, and then sticks, and then run over it with a fucking bicycle. And after all that, then we light it on fire. We put glue on it. We light the motherfucker on fire. People hear this and they're probably

like, oh my god, that's not funny. The reason I laugh is because to me, that's nostalgia. I've seen my dad barefoot with a broom kill rats. Yeah. Put it in a black garbage bag and toss it out. Bafuera. Like nothing.

But did he light it on fire? That's another step. That's when you're six and seven and eight. That's a whole other level. Ten of us would be kicking this rat. The rat would be fucking a foot long. The rats were big. The rats were big.

They had 10 million boots, gold chains. And you would see them on the corner in between the tires. That's how we would see them. So we would always have our eyes out for rats. Very seldom did you see one. We'd see them at 6. Once it got dark, there's always that fat one that can't wait. He comes out a little early for the fucking, for the Moonlight Special.

Dude, we should do a voiceover with Joey as the nature narrator. Yeah. You see him coming out at 6 o'clock, the fat one. That's the fat fucking rat that couldn't wait. He kicked weight watches. He can't wait. He gotta go.

Gotta go. And we would get them and your mother would be yelling, Sue, I go back. She would yell out the window. And we'd have the rat. In those days, we wouldn't touch it.

We'd push him with a broomstick. The broomstick. There you go. And then we'd kill him. He would still be half alive and then we'd start getting rocks. We'll get rocks. Start throwing rocks at the motherfucker and then bottles and then we'd fucking get a He would still be half alive. And then we'd start getting rocks. We'll get rocks. Start throwing rocks at the motherfucker, then bottles.

And then we'd fucking get a bicycle and run over his head. Dude, it was crazy. And then we'd pour a fucking butane lighter. And then we'd light him on fire. And we'd just sit there. Fuck you, bitch. Don't come on this block no more and shit. We would just yell.

It was fucking crazy. Then we used to take the bottom off in chairs. There were silver caps. You took the bottom off. But back to what I'm telling you people, because it all went together. You know, Brooklyn is the fourth largest city in the nation. But the other thing that Brooklyn holds that a lot of people don't know is it has every immigrant, every country in the world has a representative there.

And every country in the world has a representative there, whether it's a half a block, whether it's a block. It's a melting pot for a lot of things. And I love it. I love that you go to Brooklyn and get Dominican food from one side of the island. Right. Jamaican food. You can go get Jamaican food. You can do this stuff.

Whether I like it or not, it's a reality. But the early 70s in New York was focused basically on Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, not that many Dominicans yet. Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, and... Italians, Italians, Jewish, right? A lot of Irish, a lot of Jewish. And the Vietnam War was going on, so a lot of people were losing their faith. But there was two faiths that, there was a couple of people that weren't losing their faith. But there was two faiths that, there was a couple people that weren't losing their faith.

You know, white people because of baseball, black people because of Bruce Lee, because even if he wasn't black, he was still representative of the minority. And you had another guy that people forget. I can't even say his name because I get sad. You had a guy that was a complete gentleman

His name was Roberto Clemente. Oh my god, man. You absolutely Okay, this guy There's a statue of him in the Bronx when you go to the state park if if if if you have to talk about not just A baseball player, but a gentleman all the way around this guy if you want to Be a man in today's world. Black Latino too. Yeah.

Black Latino. A Puerto Rican dude. If you want to fucking be a man in today's world, do me a favor. Don't listen to me. Don't listen to fucking Joe Rogan.

Don't listen to Carolla and all these assholes. Go read about Roberto Clemente. Read his stats. Read, watch the videos of what he would do.

Watch the shit. Watch him every time he did an interview. He had a shirt and tie on and his English was perfect. He would find it disrespectful to not talk English. Like his English was perfect. He was the perfect Latino. So he represented. This was what New York was.

Everybody loves baseball, and Roberto Clemente was baseball. If you like baseball, whether you hated blacks, whites, whatever, fucking Roberto Clemente was doing something in Pittsburgh that was never seen before. He hit that fucking

3,000 hits in New York. He got his 3,000. You know, it's not how many people you shoot. It's who you shoot. Like, he could have got the 3,000 hits in Pittsburgh. But he got it in New York. But he goes, let me do this to the Americans in New York. These motherfuckers are down.

When he hit that 3,000 hit against the Mets, Puerto Ricans were stabbing each other. Yes, man. Jumping up and down. And mind you, this is against the New York team. Against the New York team that loves him. Because everybody loved Roberto Clemente. Listen, everybody.

White, black. The guy was a dodger. And they didn't touch him. They didn't talk to him because he was half dark. That's a true story. Pittsburgh got him for like a dollar. Pittsburgh got him for a dollar. we got him on eBay what about this guy over here in the corner he's a black guy why isn't that movie made why isn't there a bro Clemente movie because this country

doesn't know who Roberto Clemente it's a waste of the investment they would not understand what a man is of that caliber they would not understand you just said it yourself your dad would come in and he loses oh he loses his mind you got charles bronson yeah these are my dad's heroes charles bronson my hero yeah those are my heroes it's so funny that i talk about him and i think about this kid a lot dearly one of my best friends growing up was dominican and he was from Houston Street. Right. His name was Louie Hernandez. Unlike you, he was very dark-skinned.

He had a little Afro, but he moved into the wrong neighborhood. He moved into my neighborhood. So right away, they called him Louie the nigga. And I would tell people, he ain't black. He's Dominican. It's the same shit. No, it ain't. No, it ain't.

He's fucking Spanish. Down these mean streets, Petey Thomas. But he was cool as shit. And I still think he's a psychiatrist today. No, it ain't. No, it ain't. He's fucking Spanish. Down these mean streets, Petey Thomas. But he was cool as shit. And I still think he's a psychiatrist today. For real? Yeah. He's a psychiatrist in New York City. He could jump.

That Dominican could jump, Jack. He had legs. He could jump as a fucking kid. He could almost slam dunk in the eighth grade by an inch or two. It's a great story. The guy became a psychiatrist. That's an amazing story. After he got tortured all those years. That's what I'm saying. It's a nice red. The guy became a psychiatrist. That's an amazing story. After he got tortured all those years.

That's what I'm saying. Like, it makes, it's a nice redemptive story. But Clemente, bro, Clemente was, my father, father loves him. When Clemente died, you didn't see Spanish people for a week. It was so sad the way he died, too, man. He died New Year's Day. You opened up the year with the death of Roberto Clemente in 1973. It was devastating for a lot of people, man.

So now, now you got Bruce Lee holding the toe. Bruce Lee was holding the bell. That was it. Bruce Lee was representing, bro. And he had a new movie coming out and shit. And the movie was gonna kick ass. And every Saturday, we'd go down to Chinatown and we'd

buy fucking yin-yang juice, like shit to drink. Shit that we put on a bag and you would hit your hands on it and make believe your hands got strong. And I would walk around with the Bruce Lee outfit on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And when Enter the Dragon came out, we lost our minds. And then there was no internet.

There was no news from China. There was no breaking news. Oh. We went to Chinatown, and we found out Bruce Lee died oh and I remember all five or six of us just broke down in tears right there and they had pictures from the funeral of you know Steve McQueen and James Colburn and the thing over his eye and that changed America that changed America you know last night was telling me why we were watching the US versus John Lennon when John Lennon moved to after he did all the anti-war shit he moved to

New York and he made New York his home but I was a kid when John Lennon died I never saw anything like that my life when John Lennon died that was huge in New York I mean you they told you don't bring the car in. And that was 40 years ago. We're almost right. 1980, he died. So, yeah. Yeah.

It's 39 fucking years. They told you, don't bring the car in because it's going to be that bad. If you go all the time and look at anything from YouTube from John Lennon's death look what was going on around the country bro people felt it people felt it and the Beatles couldn't get back together so people like me were happy

now I can talk shit you know what I'm saying fuck you with the Beatles I got Led Zeppelin and shit you know what I'm saying so when you got what made you get into comedy You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? So when you got, what made you get into comedy? I can share this with you, Joey. You know, your upbringing is so chaotic.

You know, granted, you had, you know, I've heard some of your stories. Your stuff is a lot more, you know, sporadic and just chaos, too. You know, but like, who knows why you do comedy right like the easy answer is like uh i was trying to make my mother laugh or something like that i don't know but i still don't know why i do comedy i don't know why i just i'm drawn to it i love it you know i think i'm funny some days i'm not as funny as i think i am um i just think that comedy is the essence you know it's who you are and if you want it the universe says

yo you gotta go do this you gotta go do this bro I mean your story's crazy the prison the drug and yet still you're out there telling jokes that's a

that's a genetic that's a genetic thing bro that's like that's like nothing could have stopped you from doing that and it's proven that everything in your life story

like everything they've thrown at you you're still up there telling jokes. I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. You can't. Once you start giving a fuck, they win. But the problem is people fake

not giving a fuck. Yeah. No, no, no. You can't fake that. You have to go through it to not give a fuck. There we go. You have to go through it.

You have to go through it. I won that, so I ain't paying no bills. What? I ain't paying the government. I ain't paying taxes. I ain't doing shit. I'm doing this my way bitch i'll catch you on the rebar i'll catch you on the you know what i'm saying you make me laugh because it's so it's such a new york thing to say

what do you want me to say you want me to apologize for my actions i've done i did my time what was that moment where you were like? I just I I've had it I'm not going back I'm a different person as soon as I walked out of prison I knew I wasn't going back but you can't change somebody overnight. I talk about Rehabilitation is a big process to jump you are who you are. They fucking baptize you because you're born a thief Mmm, it's a control your thievery. You know what I'm saying? How much you're going to steal is up to you. After I got out of prison, yeah,

I still hustled for about six or seven years. I did illegal things, but not to the point where that if I got caught, I was going to do major time. You know, little drug deals here and there, just to stay alive. It was shit just to stay alive. Once I got out here and i got to the comedy store i saw it there was a little beam of hope because for anybody who wants to get their life changed

they just need to see a light of hope a little little faith a little belief this is possible this is possible and now is what discipline comes in now is when you got to keep your hands in your pockets because that's when don't let your character ruin your destiny i didn't know that saying at first but i learned it and i saw myself do it at the comedy store like i saw a thousand things i could rob at the comedy store you know what i'm saying i saw purses i saw people making mistakes right so you went from reflex to choice to choice now this is what I have to do I'm here

I'm on the AAA league I'm at the farm team of the Yankees and there's only one outfielder ahead of me he's 38 I got this I'm right here how can I fuck up now and that's when you have to remember it's I got this. I'm right here. How can I fuck up now?

And that's when you have to... Remember, it's easy to fuck up when you're doing well. That's when you fuck up, when you're doing well. It's not when you're doing bad. You're doing bad. You don't give a fuck about, I forgot to pay the light bill. You do dumb shit when you're doing well. That's when you don't think about something.

Bam, there you go. Problems. shit when you're doing well. That's when you don't think about something. Bam! There you go. Problems. You're on fucking TMZ or something. You lose track of reality. That's why success sometimes it's fucked up because you have to be ready for it, prepared for it,

know how to handle it, and know how to go through it with no stress I heard a funny quote from this guy named Michael Beckwith he said a fate is what's given to you destiny is what you do with it and I found that so impactful I was like man that makes a lot of sense sometime God opens up the door for you and we don't have the balls to go through it because we know it's going to change our life

but we're scared of change. We're naturally scared of change. How long did it take you to do comedy and start getting known around the New York area? Eight years? Eight, nine years?

Eight, nine years. Eight, nine years? Then you went to Montreal. Then I did Just for Laughs in 2015 and that's when everything kind of kicked off in terms of like on a significant level so to speak got the pilot deal shot it with nbc

got a bigger agency and then um the pilot doesn't get picked up and you love kind of holding your hands you're like yo it's such a massive disappointment because you're thinking this is a great opportunity to tell a specific story from New York. As someone from New York, you get it. The stuff you're talking about, the rats and all that stuff, people don't understand, man. For people like us, those stories mean so much. It's a moment in New York. And I get it, it was terrible. But it's a moment. And to have that opportunity to share those stories on TV, that's all I wanted. And then when they pull it away from you, you're like, oh like oh god man like i had an opportunity to show a new york dad to show a new york latino dad as a super like that character

everybody in new york knows him and how hard he worked and how hard he had to get them raising a family in the crack era you know my father my father lived in it was a it was full of crack the whole building the whole street and you got to raise three kids with that environment and to not have that story be told it was like it's crushing bro you feel like what's next like you go on stage when my pilot when my pilot didn't get picked up i had a gig in indiana's and crackers i was headlining there and it's one of those weekends where they go listen you're headlining but there's the indie 500 so no one's coming to your show so i'm doing a show for like 10 people in indiana and i'm like you go from this high of shooting a pilot. So I'm doing a show for like 10 people in Indiana. And I'm like, you go from this high of shooting a pilot

and now you're doing a show for 10 people. And you kind of go, what's real? What's real, man? Like, what the hell's going on? It was such a mind warp for a couple months, man. You know, therapy and friends and family and all that stuff. But, you know. It's tough.

It's brutal. And when you're very young, you don't understand the town throws a lot of stuff at you quickly while you're shooting a pilot. You get a lot of smoke blowing up your ass by people.

That makes you a little crazy. And it's a big letdown. Huge letdown. And I can't. I moved here to shoot a pilot. And I went from having eight pages of dialogue, because I didn't know I was doing, to one line. Wow.

To basically just standing there. But the pilot was still going to get picked up, hopefully. And it was CBS's answer to NYPD Blue. It was going to be a drama, a little bit of comedy. And they put two million into it. They paid the director two million dollars to shoot it because it was a really good director. I forget what his name was, and it didn't get picked up.

Was I disappointed? Yes. Yeah, that one killed me because I expected to get out of my home I knew it wasn't going to save my life but I knew it would keep me above ground four episodes at like $8,200 an episode

yeah you made some money it was $32,000 I was looking at $34,000 and you know when they said no I was like fuck that could have been like an apartment furniture a down payment on the car i could pay some child support off buys you time it buys you buys you time so you're trying to do is buy time at that so how do you feel today like how do you feel um i i feel i feel uh i feel uh

i feel great man just one of those things where like you kind of you're blessed to have the opportunity you have a sense of gratitude about everything a lot of people don't get to shoot a pilot you know these are champagne problems there's people with bigger problems and i made a lot of friends a lot of what i did notice when i'm probably getting picked up was like relationships matter you know like friendships matter and those things matter because and Relationships matter. Friendships matter, and those things matter. Because pilots come and go, but friendships, memories, who you know, who you don't know.

I always tell people, stop worrying so much about pitching and worry about connecting with people. Because sometimes the people that get the offers are the ones that they feel most connected with. We can work with this guy. We can succeed with this guy. We can win with this guy. And trying to get the pitch or the opportunity is like, you read Kevin read kevin hart's book right kevin hart book i never read it yet and he was like in four hundred thousand dollars in debt kid on the way bleak bleak you know and through a series of different events and opportunities he came out the other side but it was a long journey between when he got just for laughs and that half

a million dollar deal and when he became just for laughs and that half a million dollar deal and when he became kevin hart like you said there's so many no one tells you about the disappointments like i was talking to adam ferrara one time and he had a pilot pulled he shot and he shared with me his story i won't tell it because it's his story but you start to realize that other comics other good comics the good ones this is part of the path. The good comics have these major disappointments. Richard Pryor had it when he walked out that show in Vegas. Chappelle had it when he had that Variety magazine thing where they called him a racist.

The good comics, they realize when they hit that wall, like, I have nothing else to do. This is it. I got to tell these jokes. There's no wall. Right, right. That stage and that microphone is always there and i saw it a thousand times i saw a thousand good comics that came to this town got a tv deal fucking basically told us every other comic at all three clubs to go fuck themselves wow i mean they drank the fucking coolant right at montreal they kind of walked away from

comedy it was a year process they shot the pilot they bought a new car the wife and him bought a new house and awesome and put his shirt on get picked up and now the comic is in limbo now you start to see him six months later he doesn't say say much to anybody. He's doing spots. He tries to get on stage, but he quit comedy. He flung his fingers at what got him to the dance. You gave a finger to what got you to the dance. I don't give a fuck if you shoot two pilots.

You make sure to get down to that comedy store Saturday or Sunday nights. Tell Adam the truth. I shoot two shows. I just work out once a week. And you keep those chops up. I can name 10 comics today that would have been stars if they didn't drink the fucking juice.

And they took off for these reasons and that reason. And now they want to catch up in the game because their show is gone. Their bread and butter is gone. But when they had the opportunity, while the show was gone, they never thought about these things because you're trying to retain these people. You're trying for them to come to your show and to come back again to start a relationship with you on social media. It's a different game today. It's not what it used to be.

When you first got to the comedy store, right, and you said that was a beacon of light for you. Beacon of light. When you first got to the comedy store, right, and you said that was a beacon of life for you. Beacon of life. How did you sustain yourself psychologically? Because did you have a goal like I want to get famous? Or was it like I'm just going to keep doing this and see where it takes me? I just want to keep doing this and see where it takes me. Right.

There was no thought of fame. There was no thought of movies. There was no thought of films. There was no thought of movies. There was no thought of films. There was no thought of TV because of my past. I let all my sins get in the way, and I always told myself I wasn't good enough for that shit. So if I'm lucky just to get spots, I was just playing the hand.

I was basically playing the hand. I didn't know that. And then I would say six more months, and I'd book a commercial. Six more months, I'd book a commercial. six more months and I'd be the commercial Six more months. I'd be commercial six more months. I become a there was always something every six months that kept me here crazy But the whole time I'm doing six spots at the Comedy Store in two spots in Willie's room And two spots with Felipe in a room on a Sunday night, so I kept getting better at comedy unknowingly Just doing it unknowingly you Just doing it. Unknowingly. You're just improving.

And Montreal don't like you. The three agencies don't like you. The top management teams don't like you. You're not perfect for this. You're not right for this. You're not right for that. Okay. I fucked.

Let me take an acting class. I took an acting class. $25 a session. I did that for a few weeks the guy didn't like comics yeah he didn't like comedians because he had a bad experience with dice frank magna was his name and then i joined another acting place and josh wolf got a deal and he gave me the 500 bucks to join up to the other acting place and i went to the acting place and I started booking movies because I knew stand-up, the door was going to be closed on me. So I figured if stand-up was going to close that door, I'll go through the back door through acting.

But now the rules on acting changed. It used to be when I got it that if you booked two TV shows, that's it. Next thing you know, people were buying tickets to go see you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I kept booking and booking and booking and nothing. Got the longest yard. I'll wait till the movie comes out, bro. Shh.

When this movie comes out, bro, you might as well go buy a Porsche right now. I'm tired. Movie came out, nobody called me. Wow. And yeah, I got an agent calling me to book me out on the road, but I was getting 60 people walking in, and when I get off stage, there'd be seven

because I'd walk all of them. Right. They thought they were going to see an Adam Sandler character. I'm up there talking about pussy and fucking assholes with cocaine rocks and choking bitches

and shit like that. They would fucking run out of there. But it's the adjustments you make. This career is all about audibles. You have a plan. You're going to write your plan out. I wrote my plan out for a year already. Yeah, same here.

To what I want to happen. But there's going to be audibles. Every 90 days, there's going to be an audible. So now you've got to switch up that plan. What you wanted to do in November, now you might have to do in January. You follow me? Yes, course correction. So this is always audibles.

Comedy has a lot of things that a lot of people can't do because it's just not getting up on stage and cracking jokes and writing. Then after you get to where you're going, then you've got to figure out the strategy to stay the way you are and to keep improving. And then you got to come up with another strategy and it's just strategies. This is a game of fucking

strategies if you really think about it. And right now you're 37. Your first deal was given to you when you were 34. 34, 35. You know what, man? You might not see another deal now until you're 42. Who knows? You'll see it. You'll see another

one, another two. They'll get hot on you from a different angle. The best thing was you never gave up. When I saw you on the stage at Flappers that night, I was so fucking happy. Because I go, this kid never gave up. That's a good point right there. A lot of people after their pilots don't get picked up,

they take that. They get very bitter too. A lot of guys get bitter. Bro, I saw tons of people come in the late 90s and early 2000s and you would feel insecure. You'd see these people's live chains.

A half million dollar deal, you clear 300. That's an apartment, a car. That's a nice chunk of change. That's a nice chunk of change. That's a nice chunk of change. 300 large, dog. You know, to get you started in LA. Put 100 in the bank, let you do sets,

you're going to kill yourself right up front. The desperation's gone. Yeah, that desperation's gone. Not everybody gets that. So everybody was getting those, except me. Can we talk a little bit about, because I know, Joey, that you said they didn't want you now, and now you won't go or can't go. But can you talk about how big Montreal is?

I'm wondering what it feels like to kill at Montreal. You were talking about going from high to lows. To kill at Montreal and get a deal there, that must be unimaginable. Number one, it never happens anymore. So I was the rare occasion. And I remember telling my therapist, I was like, I don't know if they're going to get me up there, they're going to understand me, that kind of thing.

And I killed. I crushed up there. What it does for a comic in uh in an external way that it legitimizes you you know you have to legitimize yourself at the end of the day but externally it's like oh this kid is legitimate he's legitimate stand up you know and the industry takes you seriously he'll take a meeting with you now that's what just for laughs does you know and you meet everybody chapelle's walking around you know i i did a show with sebastian maniscalco uh and in 2015 when he sold out like seven shows at this small church this big show

and it's my first i was in the back with him and his wife and uh at the time i was like sebastian was like the guy you know he's a stand-up fucking guy he's to stand-ups like he wasn't like as popular as but the stand-ups new, like Sebastian. And I got to open up for him, and it was this thing of like, you know Sebastian's story, being a waiter at the Four Seasons, and then doing spots at the Comedy Store in between, going into debt at one point, having his dad repay him back. I found this stuff out later. But then you meet him, and you're like, oh, this is possible. This guy left Chicago to go to LA. Now he's headlining at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival, selling stuff out later. But then you meet him and you're like, oh, this is possible. Like, this guy left Chicago to go to L.A.

Now he's headlining at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival selling stuff out. He comes from an immigrant family. Like, oh, this is possible. You know, that was what Just for Laughs was like, oh, this is possible. It's this feeling of, like, possibility. Like, oh, this can happen. You meet people from all over the world coming here to watch these shows. And it's the biggest the biggest comedy festival

you know and like um the people you meet there they stay friends for life and you always go back to that like yo he and i did new faces in 2015. you know you have those stories to to go back on at what point when was the first time you showcased from montreal i did it three times that i got it i got it the third year third year how many years did you do comedy before you show i i was doing comedy five years when i first showcased and i was doing it eight when i got it eight years in when i got it eight years and when i got it and again eight years in new york is a different eight years now no offense to anybody but eight years in new york is doing four or five sets a night while having a day job you know i'm saying you're staying what are you doing a day job i had several i was a i was a grants administrator at a non-profit law firm i was a uh like an office

manager for a small non-profit that was my last gig not uh i had a great boss his name was jeremy and he was super nice but you're doing these sets so like three in the morning and then getting up to go to work doing that for years you know and doing like shows driving out to philadelphia for like 50 bucks you know driving up to upstate for 100 bucks or whatever it is so i never worked with roger paul but i know of roger paul but there's guys like uh tom tom and junior at omnipop they give you a little feature work at the stress factory and those days when you got a feature work like oh i got the feature spot like the feature spot was so dope because you had six shows lined up thursday friday saturday sunday you had like you were so happy man you were getting paid you're like oh i got feature work you know

and so i was doing that for eight years and then i then i kind of got some heat but you know what it is in new york is a very different town because of the subway so you can do a show in brooklyn take the subway back to manhattan then you can do a show downtown lower east side and shoot up back to to time square do another show so that whole time between spots you're writing that joke didn't work at this spot let me change it up for this show you'd find it up then you go to the comic strip they'd have a late night thing there and then you know you jump on a spot somebody canceled you know la la i find to be very different you know you, you grew here and developed. But I find New York to be more conducive to young comics in terms of developing and getting that muscle.

Yeah, this is not a good place. It's harder here. It's harder. It's harder here. It's very harder here. And you have distractions. The open micers have distractions. Yes, man.

The open micers have distractions. Yes, man. The open micers and the whole population of them in a way that are in L.A. start hearing things that they shouldn't. Right. You're in conversations that you shouldn't even be worried about. Right. So step outside. Right.

You're in conversations that you... Correct. You're eight years from worrying about this. So go somewhere else. Correct. You should not be talking about this. This is the problem you have here. They started, well,

I heard that the Starbucks on Vine, if you do comedy there, there's an agent that shows up there. That's it. You lost. You can't worry about it. The first five years are just to grow. You gotta figure out how to get into the dirtiest, scummiest places and make

those people laugh and then worry about and that's why i don't like comedy trust me a lot of people have grown and listen i've had some terrible shows i'm sure you had worse because i always hear stories about comedians like i was doing comedy like 2000s around there and i would do the quote-unquote hood rooms or urban rooms i was doing shows with, you know, crazy stuff. The World Series is on and you're trying to tell jokes. You know, like when you say the trenches, like those things exist. Those things exist.

And they were worse in your day. They were worse in your day. I think. They got better now. Like now guys are doing shows in the back of comic book stores and coffee shops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like it's very warm for the artist, which is great, which I love. But you're right. There were days when you're doing shows in the worst conditions with this

dream of like maybe I could do something with this well you don't want warmth looking you don't want warmth you want five people clap and pay attention you worked hard you're looking you're striving those eight years did you ever feel frustrated what I what i was always struggling with joey and i'm curious to hear what your take on this is you write this material right you write this material in your house you write it but then you realize the circumstances change when you get on stage so it's like you can't work on the material. You got to work on what is needed in that moment. And that's what comedy is.

It's like deconstructing yourself up there. It's like, well, true role, put that to the side. That's not going to work here. We want you. We want to see you. And it takes time for that. You have a piece of material. Right.

And you bring it up on stage. When you're first starting out. When you're first starting out, I mean. Oh, when you're first starting. Yeah, the problem is like. Different story. Yeah. Different game. Different game.

I didn't even. I wrote a horror book. The first 10 years. I'm telling you. And I bought all the writing books. Yes, man. Yes. Because you got to put work into those books.

Yeah. It's moving that muscle. I would only write down what i thought of i would sit there with a notebook for an hour and write one thing and that's good enough for me you know i'm saying i wouldn't keep adding and adding to me i could do two on here and i could find two other add-ons while I'm working it out on stage. Just from their reactions. Right. You know, and then you start depending on their reaction. And then one day you get a different reaction.

So. Let me tell you something, though. See what you just talked about? Yes. A lot of people don't have. No. So you're in a fighter stance, okay? You're in a fighter stance.

You throw a jab, right? You throw a jab at him. He throws a jab at you. Where's it gonna hit he's aiming over here so i'm gonna take the jab this way block it and i'm gonna unleash that right hand i'm not gonna get back and throw it i'm gonna block and win it i'm gonna let it out right and then i'm gonna give you an inside kick to the leg and then i'm gonna throw another punch at your head.

That's what we're doing. That's the setup for today. Right. But when you go on stage, you're going to realize that that fucking leg kick, that first punch, isn't as smooth as you thought. Right. You've got to take a step back and then throw. Yes. And that punch punch guess what if that punch don't

connect if he goes down you could scoop his neck and knee him in the face that's what you realize when you go up on stage you're not going to get that sitting at your house no for a guy like me you're going to get that on stage and then you get to a place like like like like chess masters talked about this like when they get good they realize like there's just this possibility is endless. Like you said, once you like the possibilities up here are endless. I'll tell you something. I don't want to tell you the truth. Go ahead.

I'm ratting myself out. Go ahead. It's like when I do the original. Right. I've legitimately been doing the original room for 20 years interesting I couldn't bomb in there even if I wanted to I know all the cheat notes of that room I would never sell them you know saying it would take you a lot to get the cheat notes. But even if you told them, even if... You're not going to understand.

Let's say Vlad... You're not going to understand. That's what I'm saying. You have to still go do it. Yes, man. You're going to pay me for something that you're going to have to find out. You could give me all this. Say, Vlad, here's all the cheat codes you can kill.

All the cheat codes. And I wouldn't be able to do it. I went up in the OR last night and just leveled them. And I'm giggling the whole time because i'm like this wouldn't work anywhere else oh really yeah oh i got cheat notes for the original but they wouldn't work at other clubs the original room has two cheat notes that you have to do every time and you'll get them and i sit there and i see comics don't do it and i'm like it's the original however though because you know the cheat codes here's what happens, though, Joey.

You're able to now, you're at a meta level now. Now you're able to genuinely reflect on your craft because you got that out the way. I got the cheat codes. I know how to kill this room. But guess what else I got? If I give you the cheat notes, you're going to go up there and stick to those cheat notes. So if those cheat notes don't work, you're not going to know what to do. I know what to do even if the cheat notes don't work, you're not going to know what to do. I know what to do even if the cheat notes don't fucking work.

So I expect you to duck. But even if you don't duck and you stay down, now I got to improvise again. So I know the cheat note for the cheat note. Not because I'm better than you or I'm better than you. Just time in the game.

It's 20 long years you gonna come tell me something about that room 20 years I walked in there every time I go in there I had a whole microphone nervous anxious you would see the wire

am I gonna bomb it was like killing a snake so and so just killed the head of me yeah oh no no forget it so and so's watching tonight

I gotta kill him what am I gonna do no no no I died a thousand deaths in there so now I know how to live. You know, I was telling George Perez and one of the managers last night at the store, I go, 20 years, I just started getting good in the main room.

For 10, I ate dog shit. I would avoid it. I used to beg Mitzi Shaw not to put me in there. That's why she put me in there. I was so stupid, I should have asked her. Interesting. Can you put me in the main room now? Make me uncomfortable. I would tell her, don't put me in there. That's why she put me in there. I was so stupid. I should have asked her. Can you put me in the main room? No. Make me uncomfortable.

I would tell her, don't put me in that dog. I don't like it in there. I'm putting you in there. I'm 1145. You're following Dom Herrera. Have a good time. God damn.

And in those days, following Dom, you'd rather shoot yourself. What did you learn in those dog shit years? What did you learn about yourself? I learned that no matter what happened, and this applies to life, this is why I love comedy. This is why I can never, ever have a day job.

Because I want my day to be different every day. Number one. Number two. I want to be striving for a different goal every day. Number three. What happens? This is the house I came from. I came from a Spanish house.

That in my house there was a rule. You can't come to this house. You can't enter this house at was a rule. Tú no puedes venir a esta casa que no puede entrar en esta casa que alguien te dé. Nunca puedes entrar en esta casa con la mano de alguien encima tuya. What that means is you can never stay here.

I grew up in a house that was fucking put into my mind, drilled as a young man by not a male or a female which makes it even worse that you do not come into this house, drilled as a young man by not a male or a female, which makes it even worse, that you do not come into this house, stay hid. Now, most people listen to that and go,

Joe, I don't know what you mean. It means that just because you lost today doesn't mean you're going to lose tomorrow. When you're an open miker the first five, six years, listen to me. You know those Vietnam vets that got held over in Hanoi? They even feel better than you do.

Joey, could you go back, like looking at it now, could you go back and do what you did to get into comedy? Do you think you have the wherewithal to go through that again? to get into comedy do you think you have the wherewithal to go through that again i didn't have a choice i didn't have it right right right going for me there was no way i was going to work for an electrician for eight years before i could open up my own company i didn't have the time i knew the cocaine would kill me. I knew the cocaine, the ghost in my closets, me pulling the gun on somebody by mistake one night,

me getting desperate were going to kill me. I needed something to save me. And this is what it was. So you're going to go out some nights and bomb three times yeah man in life you're gonna go out and interview four days and bomb and bomb you're gonna go for three interviews on monday two on tuesday on dates you're gonna go on dates and bomb you're gonna bomb and everything people bomb in life people forget that how many times you want a date the chick is hot You start taking off her pants. You know what I'm saying? She pulls an I'm Z, I'm sorry. She sucks your pipe.

And you eat her pussy. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. And she's nice. Afterward, she talks to you and she's nice. And you say, let's do this again. And she's not a whore. She's just a fun chick. But once you take her home,

when you get back in the car, you go, damn, I forgot to pull her hair. God damn, I forget to give her my special. That's my move. I forgot to put my finger in her ass and turn her into a popsicle and eat her pussy and pick her up. And then, so what do you do? You go back the next night. You take her to the movie.

You're sitting there throughout the whole movie, anxious. Tonight, I'm really going to give a dick. Tonight, you don't even know what the fuck's about. Performance anxiety, right. Yeah, you're just fucking sitting there. And my point is that you go home at night, you feel bad. Bro, my day,

when I first started comedy, I had so many bad things going through me. I was in the process of losing my daughter. Sorry to hear that. I was broke. I owed $200,000 in debt. I had nothing going for me. I was a junkie. I didn't want to end up that fucking old guy with nothing.

The stakes were that high. When I would come home those nights, I would get a gram of Coke. I would get a notebook like this. I would open up a newspaper that was called something. It was a comedy newspaper that was at every comedy club. I would

look through the names of the clubs that I wanted to perform at the seattle comedy the denver comedy works punchlines improv cisco and i would write them down in a notebook and i would i still remember my tears hitting the page as me going sunday i'm going to play in these clubs so what did i bomb tonight i'm going to show them tomorrow wow i became like a serial killer you know those kids yeah man kill the kids revenge and it was all about comedy my fucking focus was comedy tomorrow you're gonna go out be better than when you were still dreaming

yeah today i did 13 minutes next monday i'm gonna do 17 minutes or you know you know just talking yourself on and then reading it and seeing the strength of that to you Into your eyes rock bottom rock bottom like rock bottom so in my house you don't stay hit If you're part of the church you never stay hit so what you had a bad day so what so what? Everybody has and guess what how about if you have two bad days? How about if you bomb six times in two days right what no you go home you get a notebook I? Don't want you to bail on your material. I Don't really want you to bail on your material if this is what's coming to your heart. I just want you how to present it to me

You're not presenting it to me right? present it to me you're not presenting it to me right i'm sick and tired of fucking hey are the audiences in austin any different from the leon new york man that human beings the human beings no no i'm just i'm just saying yeah absolutely the general young common i know i know i know i know exactly what you're saying the audience was stiff audience is never stiff it's you and those eight stiffs that you hang out with that are fucking stiff. The audience is great. How do you know? Because after all nine of years, a guy with a pulse came in and got a standing ovation.

A guy with a pulse came in. A guy with a pulse. All he did was breathe into a glass and jump up and down with a flashlight, and he got a standing ovation. And you nine mutages couldn't even get a fucking look out of the guy. Salvation. And you nine mutages couldn't even get a fucking look out of the guy. But instead of those nine guys going home and saying, writing on their journal, the audience was kind of stiff going, no, I sucked.

What can I do to make it better? What jokes did I try? Let's add a tag here. Let's move this around. Let's try this new joke in the middle instead of opening up this new joke, which I think is garbage. You know what I'm saying? That's all it is. And that all and that's the process every day every day I can't imagine you guys in New York are savages because you go from set to set doing this It's at the set. I do it at the store Thursday. I gotta go to the store I already have something I want to try but I forgot to try last night

About fucking how Irish people are pedophile Future pedophile,ophile you know I don't know it was it was juicy though it was juicy it was juicy I'll get you out of here you have any dates right now no I'm in LA for politics I'm clear for February

I want you to come back on before you leave to New York which is a month I never have people turn around because I want to hear more about you. I like the Spanish faith that you have. I like that you're educated. You came from good stock. You're Dominican. Dominicans should be proud as shit.

Do you remember when they fucking threw the toilet off the roof and killed the rookie cop on the 181st Street? That's the Dominicans were savages. 1990. No, no, no, I'm sorry. They ran under. So it's Broadway. What's behind Broadway? Wadsworth?

If I'm coming from Jersey on the George Washington Bridge. Right, Broadway. What's that street? Pinehurst. They fucking took a spackle bucket. Remember when the Dominicans were lookouts on the roofs? And if they would see the cops, they would take five-gallon spackle buckets and throw it.

And they killed the fucking cop with a spackle bucket. It's crazy, bro. That's 1993, bro. That's when Dominicans got a lock on the fucking Upper West Side. I used to get all my coke, all that. I used to get off at Port Authority Walk to the corner and then walk down and those buildings that you see as you're about to hit New York Right there. They were right there easy access you walked in you could double park and get right back on the bridge But you never took the car and back because then they had impounded

So you came over on the George Washington and you went back on the Lincoln you stop and got a hot dog 11th Avenue and kill time so they were you off the clock Lot of me I love you made them any dates coming up. I'm not just I'm in LA for pilot season I'm working I'm working in LA Oh comedy magic club live factory. So I'm around my website is laughing Vlad calm laughing Vlad Yeah, it was a real pressure. You're a Phenomenal young man with a great fucking future ahead of you. Thank you, brother. I see it already.

And, you know, we're boys, man. You know what I mean? I love you to death. Thanks for stopping in today, my brother. Thanks for having me, man. Stay bright. All right. I want to thank my man, Vladimir Camano, for a very interesting podcast today.

Great kid. I love him to death. Don't forget, I'll be at the San Jose Improv. Tickets are just left for Valentine's Day and for Friday late. That's it. Or Friday early. One of those shows. Saturday's gone and late's gone.

I don't know what the fuck it is. Get whatever you got left, you fucking savages. You know I love you. I can't wait to go to San Jose's. Get that fucking original Joe's. Then on February 22nd, Viva Las Vegas. I'm in motherfucking... Treasure Island.

Treasure motherfucking Island with my girl Kate Quigley. And then we go over to the Fox Tucson Theater. The Fox Theater in Tucson with my girl Kate Quigley. Tempe, Phoenix, I'm not coming there this year. So if you want to see your uncle, you got to come to fucking Tucson and eat some tacos with me, all right? So I either see you at the Fox Theater in Tucson,son treasure island las vegas or the san jose improv listen i want to give a shout out to my sponsors real quick first of all i want to welcome manscape listen

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Anyway, at manscaped.com, you got everything you need to make your balls and dick shine and look beautiful. You know what I'm saying? It's like looking at the flag. It's just out there, a fucking pole of death. If this is the first time you've considered manscaping, they got the deal for you. It's called the perfect package. It comes withcaping. They got the deal for you. It's called the Perfect Package. It comes with a lawnmower and the plow, plus the crop preserver,

a specially formulated anti-chafing deodorant for your balls so they don't stink like fucking 10 dead fucking Iranians. And they got the Reviver, a spritz that tones and refreshes your junk to keep your dick and your ball sack nice and cool and fresh. It's like putting Bengay on your balls, but not really. You know what I'm saying? So what I'm doing for you guys is this.

Listen to the church family, all you fucking savages. And you need to listen. If you don't get what I'm going to be pissed off at you motherfuckers because I want my church soldiers to, I want your dicks and your assholes and your fucking ball sacks to look tip top magoo. So the church family can get 20% off your first order. When you use promo code church at manscaped.com. That's manscaped.com.

That's manscaped.com. M-A-N-S-C-A-P-E-D.com. And if you order the perfect package, that includes the lawnmower, the plow, the crop preserver, and the reviver. Listen, I'm 56. I need the reviver. I throw a little of that fucking holy water on my dick. It just fucking moves around like a dead fish out on the fucking plank. Anyway, go to manscaped.com.

Use promo code CHURCH, and get 20 motherfucking percent off your first order. Wash your balls, shave your balls. You want to pick up chicks? This is the way to do it. A nice clean helmet and nice, and if you want to put like a fucking diamond above your dick, I'm sure you could do it.

They have a booklet somewhere. Go to manscaped.com right now. Go to manscaped.com right now go to manscaped.com right now i also want to thank on it number one when it comes to supplements in my world you understand me alpha brain you get 100 off and they don't even want the product back who the fuck does that you got any friends that do that fuck no that's why i trust on it whether it's the shroom tech sport the shroom tech immune they got those daily vitamin packages that are tremendous, the Mexican chocolate protein.

You have no fucking idea what you're missing. You understand me? I trust Aubrey with all my fucking heart. That guy goes all over the world looking for the best of the best. So if you're looking to be the best, you got to eat what the best is eating. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your order delivered to your motherfucking house, alright?

Listen, it's a beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happening now. See you Wednesday or Thursday. Don't sweat nothing. That's it. I'll see you motherfuckers soon. Thank you for listening. Have a great day. I love you. I can talk to you forever, Joey. Seriously. No, I know.

Trust me, I was at the clock. In disguises no one knows Has the face, lies the snake In the sun in my disgrace Boiling heat, summer stench Meet the black, the sky looks dead Come my man through the green And I'll hear you scream again Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain

Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain, black of the sun Won't you come, won't you come, won't you come Stuttering, cold and damp Steal the warm wind, tired friend Times are gone for honest men Sometimes far too long for snakes In my shoes, walking asleep In my youth, I pray to keep

Heaven send hell away, no one seems like you anymore Black hole sun, won't you come? Wash away the rain Black old sun Won't you come? Won't you come? Black old sun Won't you come?

Wash away the rain Black old sun Won't you come, won't you come Let go of the sun Won't you come Let go of the sun Won't you come Let go of the sun Won't you come Wont chi gyd? Ni'n cael syl!

Wont chi gyd? Ni'n cael syl! guitar solo Hang my head, drown my fear Tell you all just disappear Black hole sun, won't you come Wash away the rain Black old sun Won't you come Won't you come

Black old sun Won't you come And wash away the rain Black old sun Won't you come We'll be right back. Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come We're gone We're gone

Won't you come Won't you come I'm out.