Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #658 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 14, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about how he dealt with the death of his mother at a young age, and what being empathetic means to him.   This podcast is brought to you by:   ... ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/13/2019.
  

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Starting point is 00:01:26 You understand me so go to honor calm right now Take a look at the great selection of supplements read do some fucking reading do some research and then get back to me But right now what I'm gonna do is they got on it out for brain 100% money back guarantee if you don't like it And you keep the product who gives a fuck take a chance Columbus did you got the Shroom tech sport and the shroom tech immune which I live off. I'm just starting to get ready to fly I'm back on the fucking immune. Why because there's germs out there and there's people don't give a fuck But anyway, don't get me fried up so early in the fucking morning go to honor calm Slash church and get 10% off deliver it right to your motherfucking house. It's Valentine's Day kick this mule Lee
Starting point is 00:02:10 There you go a beautiful fucking Thursday morning You're feeling good You ain't got a date tonight, but who gives a fuck it's you some Chinese food Netflix and a bomb you know saying and then you bang one out. Here you go Are you fucking nuts or what Coming into your life on a Thursday fucking morning what bam bam You It's always
Starting point is 00:03:15 Happy Valentine's Day, whatever your situation is, you know, you could be down and you could be excited that your boyfriend's taking you to Benihana or you're taking that little broad out tonight. You're going to give it a stamenka for the first time. You've been working it since after Christmas, whatever your situation. I've been in both situations where I had horrible Valentine's Day by yourself or the Chinese joint, making believe it don't hurt, but it hurts. Everybody wants to talk to you on Valentine, not even a chubby chick.
Starting point is 00:03:47 You know what I'm saying? You've got problems. Is it your breath? Is it your head, dude? But on the other hand, listen, if they're meant to be there, they're meant to be there. The worst fucking thanks, happy thanks, whatever the fuck. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day.
Starting point is 00:04:00 I haven't had, was 1980. Because... You know the year? Oh, yeah. I got it written down. Don't ever go back there. Like, 85, I can see Valentine's Day is five days away from my birthday. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:12 So it's all connected. Either kicks off the birthday week, or your mind goes in the pizza, and you're depressed on your birthday, too, because you didn't get a little fucking finger-banging on Valentine's Day. You know what I'm saying? You didn't bring enough flowers or whatever the fuck you did. But who gives a shit? I'm just trying to tell you, it's not that bad.
Starting point is 00:04:28 Eventually, you'll find your Valentine, and you'll sail off into the fuck world, the world of love and love, and it all works out to you guys. This week, something really weird happened last week, that sometimes, years ago, when I was trying to get joint custody of my daughter, because my wife wanted to break my balls, and I know the legal system to stall, my wife ordered a battery of tests, like, that you go and talk to a psych, and all this shit, and take a written examination, and they try to fuck with you, whatever. I went down there, you know, I wanted to be a dad, so I went down there and took the test,
Starting point is 00:05:11 and they came back that I had not that much empathy. Well, at the fucking time, you know, I had gone to prison, I came out, I was trying to get on my feet, I fucking worked 80 hours a week hard with your hands, guys, roofing, hustling, getting cars, and here I am, fucking broke, up to debt with credit cards. This chick don't want to give you a kid. You do get mad at the fucking world, I mean, you have every right to be mad, especially when you're fucked up, to boot, and the whole thing, and I was really aggravated. And I, what the fuck, we talking about?
Starting point is 00:05:46 About the test you took? About the test I took? About the test I took? And they said I had no fucking empathy, and I remember I was a comic at the time, and I wrote a joke about it, you know, I got no empathy, who gives a fuck, but then, it was bullshit, like, I'm like, this is a bullshit thing, because I really, it really bothered me. There hasn't been a lot of things that bothered me like that after the test, but this one
Starting point is 00:06:06 got to me a little bit, because I don't know, who the fuck are you from talking to me, you know what I'm going through? You have no fucking idea what I was going through at the time. The only thing that was keeping me afloat was to fucking stand up. That was what was keeping me afloat. So I, this last week, right, you know, I'm trying to do this thing with Fox and the whole thing, and I'm meeting with these writers, and I looked down, and I had two missed calls, and that night I went home, and this is why I tell people, always to
Starting point is 00:06:41 pick up the fucking phone, always pick up the phone, you know, I didn't have the phone in my pocket, it was in my bag, and when I went for my notebook, I had the two missed calls, and I got in the car, and I had a shoot to pick up Mercy, and the day went behind me. I was on Facebook, and one of the kids that called me had posted that his mother died, and my fucking heart dropped, I mean my heart dropped, I know why he called me, and I felt fucking really shitty, and I put up a post on Facebook, and this kid, there's not a lot of sweet, sweet-hearted kids in this place, trust me, Lee's one of them that's very, very
Starting point is 00:07:20 sweet-hearted, and this kid's another, and his name is Jerry, where Jerry Roach, who's been on the podcast multiple times, and he's a dear, dear, dear friend of mine, I gotta tell you something guys, all these people you see on Comedy Central, and all these people, like listen man, they're their own personalities, or whatever, but there's these kids that are here, there's certain type of kids that are here, they got into the comedy game, and their heart is gold, and when you, if you know anything about life, when something shitty happens to them, you say to yourself, Jesus, there's people like me walking around with this shitty stuff, and why would something like this happen to a kid like this, his mom
Starting point is 00:08:03 passed in the middle of the night, and they're asleep, he just passed, and I called him the next day early, and we spoke, and I let him vent, because it's all about venting at that point, you're in a fucking fog, you don't even know if this is real, you're checking around with people to see if they're still talking to you, you know, this could be a dream, so I spoke to him, I talked him off the ledge a little bit, and then we spoke that evening again, and his mom was getting buried at Joe Jackson Funeral Apollo, Joe Jackson Funeral Apollo or something, and I saw that in the middle of the night, and I picked up the phone with me being the ball buster that I am, because he's Mexican, and I go, he answers the phone,
Starting point is 00:08:46 like, you know, like, hello Joey, like, he's half sentimental, and I go, not for nothing, Jerry. I go, listen, your mom's dead, she's gonna wake up in the Funeral Apollo, she's gonna see a picture of Joe Jackson on the wall, she's a Mexican woman, you gotta get her out of there, he broke down into tears, I'll make the last thing a Mexican woman wants to be surrounded by the Jackson Five, trust me when I'm telling you, and we were fucking dying, and that's what you do to somebody whose mother just died, because if you're gonna hit them, you better hit them hard, okay, and I woke them up out of a cold sleep, that was even
Starting point is 00:09:21 worse, that's the type of mother fuck I am, just to let you know that I know what you're going through, and I had that, as soon as my mother died, you know, it takes the people around me, that's who I knew who my friends were, because they took that time to make a call to me and break my balls, like, to say something, and I'm like, you motherfucker, those are your friends, I still remember my mother's, it was Joe Jackson, why don't Mexicans like Joe Jackson, like, I don't know, I'm just saying, it was just a joke that maybe his mother was racist, I don't know, you know how Mexicans are, they call them mayates or something, so I'm just listening, your mom, you think your mom wants to be surrounded
Starting point is 00:10:02 by the Jackson fight, you think the last thing your mom wants to see is a picture of Joe Jackson on the wall, and we just busted out, and then we started crying, I started crying for him, you know, and we sent a thing down to Joe Jackson's funeral parlor, and you know, he called me Sunday, and we spoke, and we tried to get together, and he came to the store last night, and we spoke, and it was just great, and when somebody bombs, I've been there, I've walked down that fucking street, and I knew how, when anybody, listen, when anybody posts on Facebook, that they lost anybody, I always try to say something, I don't know them well enough, I know you on Facebook, I know you follow the church,
Starting point is 00:10:53 and I won't, I'll just say sorry for your loss, and I'll think about you, and you know, and I've had a lot of friends from Facebook that have lost people, and I understand from Barbara Lingus, the dear friend, I can't forget his name, he lost his son on Facebook, Chad Rosenkirk, fucking great guy, Canadian dude, right, Canadian dude, you know, we've been through, this is, and I don't know him, but I've suffered for them, I get where the fuck their heads at, you know, so it was just funny that I was, you know, it's my fucking, this'll be, I was trying to explain to Jerry last night at the comedy store as subtle as I can be, but as honest as I can be, the same way as I can honestly be with you guys that
Starting point is 00:11:46 this next birthday is the 40th birthday I've had without my mother, and I can't tell you that I miss those birthdays whether, if you want me to lie to you and tell you, I, last night at the table thinking about meeting Jerry, I'm sitting there staring at my dinner, my wife was in the kitchen, my daughter was across from me, she's fucking, you know, playing with a Super Bowl, so she doesn't see me going to a haze last night, I went into a haze for like two minutes, like a, like a mental flashback when you see on television, I actually lived through one last night because I had to meet Jerry, Jerry says he was going to go to dinner and stop by the store, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm turning 56 next
Starting point is 00:12:31 week, and I'm like, wait a second, that's the 40th birthday without my mother, and I just sat there for a few minutes and I thought the stain come up, and I restrained myself a little bit, but still I was still drawn to emotions, and I still got tears in my eyes, and I still remember that fucking last birthday, like if the universe sends you signals, I should have read them, because it was the first birthday that we had celebrated without the bar, and that was her baby, that was her whole fucking life, we always, she always, and don't get me wrong, the parties were grandiose until I was about 10 or 11, and I wanted to cut down on them, I didn't like big parties no more, so we just kept them
Starting point is 00:13:18 to like the inner circle at the bar, a couple drunks, a couple bookies would come, some of their kids, but that was the first birthday I didn't celebrate at the bar, so when I woke up that morning, the feeling in the house was a little down, not on my end, I thought I already had the day planned out, I had already my birthday planned out for the longest fucking time, for my 16th birthday, I had a karate competition in Jersey City, I was still going to karate over in fucking 27th and 22nd and Central with that dude, and I was going to a karate tournament, my plan was to take first in the form and take first in fighting, get the trophies, go home and quit karate, never go back, like that was it, I was done with
Starting point is 00:14:07 karate, I had played fresh in basketball, and I didn't start, that was wearing thin on my soul, like I put all this work into something, and I thought I was going to start and it was a complete opposite, I barely fucking played my freshman year, I didn't know where I stood in basketball, and guess what, I didn't want to take a bus to karate no more, you know, I was hanging out with a new crew of kids around my neighborhood, and I made the worst move I ever made in my life was to quit karate at that age, because at least I had a schedule, I always had to answer this, his name was Kevin Norlander, I hope he's still alive, I heard he's still alive, and I always had to answer to him, he was a tough fucking
Starting point is 00:14:52 karate teacher, there was no smile on his face, there was no joking around in class, there was nothing, there was nothing, this guy had zero emotion, and if you didn't do what he fucking told you, he just fucking kicked you with his little Vietnam orange ageing foot, because he was a Vietnam vet, and he stayed over there, and stayed in Karateville, and learned karate for two or three years, and he brought it back to the States, so he was using this combo karate tactic of fighting, we became savages in the tournament scene, and we were good at high kicks, and we had trick kicks, and he just trained us to be fucking savages, I mean you had a sweep, you know, if you didn't get certain grades
Starting point is 00:15:35 on your report card, he would put you in the corner, and make you do homework, and make you do jumping jacks and shit, I mean this guy was a no nonsense karate program, like there was no fucking belts, you had to go to competitions to get belts, it wasn't like every 90 days you test, and they charge you 35 hours, and they promote you, no no no no this guy was like, we gave you a belt when you thought you were ready, there was no guidelines, so all the other schools around the area, after you were there for a time period, you automatically got a belt and tested, not this guy, to get a stripe you had to like throw somebody through a play glass window, like he was like the dude from karate, but it wasn't
Starting point is 00:16:17 he he had a class of savages, and I had already been with him for four years, five years, I had to take a bus there, and walk fucking nine blocks, it was just too much on me at that time, I wanted to be in the girls, and I wanted to hang out with the fucking guys in my neighborhood, so my plan was to wake up on my birthday morning, and go down to Jersey City, go to this fucking high school, do the karate tournament, get back on the bus, and meet my friend to smoke dope, and drink fucking beer, I wake up that morning my mom makes me breakfast, she apologizes for not, the bottom I tell us, and there's no big fucking deal, I got my day planned, I didn't want to have a party anyway, I fucking
Starting point is 00:17:01 hated those things after a while, and now I look back, and I wish he would have lived I would have still had him every fucking year, because it was my birthday, I knew what it was meant to her, like it wasn't even about me, she had such shitty birthdays as a kid, that she celebrated the whole week, I saw Tom Poppins at the store last night, and we were talking about New York City when I was growing up, how every year on my birthday I went to the Harlem Globetrotters, because every Monday when I grew up, every year my birthday was on the 19th, so that means that my birthday always fell on Monday, Sunday, or Tuesday for some reason, it was close to that area, you know, it feels different
Starting point is 00:17:43 when you're a kid, so every Monday is presidency, when we were growing up, you were off Lincoln's birthday on the 12th, and you were off the 19th, these motherfuckers cut it down to one holiday, these fucking scumbags, but then they gave you Martin Luther King, so it all amounts to that, so, but it used to be two Mondays in a row you were off in the old days, so my mother would start that party the Monday before, she would start her own personal party, with the drinkin' and the fuckin' snortin', like it's Coco's birthday this week, it was like she was more excited than I was, I was excited for the presents and for the party and the food, my mom used to make these little fuckin' ham sandwiches called Boca Litos, oh
Starting point is 00:18:26 my god, and she cut the fuckin', they cut the sides off, and they make thousands of fuckin' platter, if you look at that picture of me as a kid dancin', and you look at the table, there's a picture of Boca Litos on the fuckin' table, it's like this devil's ham spread with Spanish style with olives and shit, and they cut the edges off the bread, that's when white bread was different, oh, I would eat a thousand of those things, but she would only make them on my birthday, that was part of the deal, only on my birthday, so she promised me to make me a couple Boca Litos, and I went, I did something with my friends, and I went and got my gear, and when I came back, two of my mother's buddies were
Starting point is 00:19:08 at the house, Arnardo and Umberto, they were brothers, they were alcoholic brothers, but they were bookies, great guys, I adored them growin' up, and they were just gonna have beers at the house, and then watch, I don't know, somethin', they were gonna watch somethin' or whatever, and then they were gonna go to a track, that was what my mother and Arnardo and that crew did every day, they went to a track, but there was a hitch, like fuckin' 18 inches of snow fell, so we didn't think there was gonna be a karate tournament, they didn't give a fuck, the tournament went on and we had to get down there, so we had to walk up the fuckin' hills, get on the number one bus with chains on it in those days, the
Starting point is 00:19:48 bus is gettin' up, can't be both of ours, it was fuckin' the day from hell, but before I left, Arnardo said, hey man, I forgot to get your birthday present, now he was a bookie, he goes, what do you want for your birthday? He goes, I got 10 bucks, you want me to put it on the number for you? And I go, yeah, and he goes, what number? And I go, 219, just put it on fuckin' 219, and I left the house, so people don't know, it's called Bolita, it's a thing in New York and New Jersey where you bet, if you bet $10, you win $5,000, if you bet $20, you win $10,000, if you bet $5, you win $2,500, if you bet $1, you win $500, and you get paid that day, you tip the bookmaker $50, and you fuckin'
Starting point is 00:20:31 take $450 and everybody has a party. He offered me a $10 bet, I took it, I walked down up the fuckin' hill with my little Chinese friend, Mario Diaz, he was half Chinese, half Cuban, a bunch of his little geeks from the neighborhood went to karate, and we got on the number one bus, it took us like, instead of 30 minutes, it took us like an hour and a half to get down there, but we got down there. I won first place in the form, but on the fighting part, now, when I talk to you people about fighting, no, it wasn't cage riding or punching yourself other in the face, you wasn't about that at all, it was semi-contact, so it was from the fuckin' neck down to the waist, and you put shields on, and if you kicked anywhere
Starting point is 00:21:14 under where that shield wasn't, you either got disqualified or you got a point taken away from you, and there were three, like, two-minute fuckin' rounds. That's it, it was nothing. It's a good point, you're not trying to knock him out. Yeah, it was no, there was no knockouts allowed, it was body kicks and shit, but we were crazy in our school. He was already teaching us fuckin' spinning back kicks and all this shit, so I think the kid had me on points in the finals, and I finally did a kick, and I kicked him on the shoulder, and I got disqualified because it was like a heel kick, and I wasn't trying to hurt the kid or nothin', and I got disqualified, we shook hands afterward,
Starting point is 00:21:52 he even told me it was a nice kick, and then I got in the floor, so I got second place in fighting, and first place in fuckin' form, and I said, that's it, I'm quittin' fuckin' karate, and I got on the bus with my little fuckin' savages, we rode back, no, I didn't get high with these guys, these karate guys did not get high, they were by the fuckin' book, all they did was do karate and geek out, on the weekends we would go to Chinatown and buy karate uniforms or go to fuckin' Honda, there was a big martial art place called Honda, that's all we did, so I get back to my house, there's two trophies, my mom is proud of me, I'm happy, I put them upstairs, and when I come down I Nardo goes, hey fucko, you hit
Starting point is 00:22:34 the fuckin' number today, 219 came out, you'll get your money tomorrow, $5,000, so I think of my mother, 15 off the top, she shook me down, and I kept 35 and opened up an account, and henceforth, cause my end of my freshman year, that's how I became a drug dealer. What, can I go back for one second, cause it upset me when you said it, why do you tip the bookmaker 50 bucks, if you- Cause you always tip the bookmaker 50 bucks. No, the bookmaker doesn't tip you when you lose. You always tip the bookmaker 50 bucks.
Starting point is 00:23:11 In those days, that was the protocol, in fact, to be honest with you, he had already gotten a tip. From where? If you know anything about the bookmaker game, he really gets $5.50 from the bank, so he already gets a tip, but in our world, how we do it is, if you get that money, you give him a tip as a sign of good luck, so you give him another $10 off. I guess, I tip the dealer when I'm playing at the casino a little bit, but I freak me out.
Starting point is 00:23:41 The world is completely different. I guess so. That world, look, when I lived in North Bergen, and I was doing all the bad, should I tell you people, the reason why my friends didn't turn on me is because every time I did something, I paid them. I made them a compasses. Even if they had nothing to do with it? Nothing to do with it.
Starting point is 00:24:01 There's nothing wrong with giving your friend a hundred dollar bill on maker's day. That's true. I went and robbed a Coke dealer for four grand, and I got, let's say, 3800 in cash, and I got an ounce of Coke. I would give two or three of my buddies 300 cash, but I knew they needed it for their mom, whatever, and they'd go, thank you, and then two days later, they find out I robbed somebody. What are they going to do?
Starting point is 00:24:28 Fucking cocoa. What are they going to do? They're going to wrap me up? They can't wrap me up. I just took care of them. Smart. You take that cocaine and you give that around to a couple of people. My mom wanted me to, when I got my first job, she made me give her my first paycheck.
Starting point is 00:24:44 What did your mom take the 1500 for? Did she save it for you? It was off the top. It's like, I paid for a lot of parties. It's just a fucking shakedown that you have to accept. And I accepted it. There was no arguing whether I knew my mom was hurting for money at the time. I knew she needed, she didn't have the balls to tell me she needed it, but I knew, and
Starting point is 00:25:03 I just kicked it up. I was a little pissed for two minutes. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to tell you, I just kicked it up. It took me half a day to process it. Fuck you. That's a lot of money when you're that young. When I was in the fucking freshman year, they got 3500, and I took 500 off the top.
Starting point is 00:25:21 I put 3000 in the bank, and I opened up a HUD account. Like at the bank, it was called HUB or some Hudson County United Bank. Yeah. Hudson's something. Yeah. And I put $3000 in there, and I kept the nickel and got some nicer clothes. I got like a new basketball, stupid shit like that. And then I found out that I was paying $3, $4 for an acid.
Starting point is 00:25:51 So I said, wait a second, I had these friends. First I had this Spanish dude that his father was a doctor, and he was telling me that you're paying $4, I'm paying $3 for them, get them from me. So I started giving him the $3, and I would see that, wait a second, fucking $3. What is it called? I didn't know. I didn't know anything about it, but it was just natural to me. I had already, there was a kid in my neighborhood that would give you a quarter pound a pot
Starting point is 00:26:23 for $100. Okay. That's four ounces. Is it a lot or a little? That's four ounces? That's a little. Okay. But he would give you four ounces.
Starting point is 00:26:33 I did the math. I'm not fucking stupid. So my freshman year, I'm sitting there, and I had grown up around drug dealers. I knew the game. I knew it. I said, wait a second. If I could buy, his name was Joe, and I was growing up, this guy's two, I can't say his last name because he became a cop, but he was a dear friend of mine.
Starting point is 00:26:53 I loved him dearly. He's the first guy that ever turned me on to Led Zeppelin. He gave me the eight track, so the song remains the same, and I nearly jumped out of fucking a window, but that's a different story. So he would give me four ounces for $100, and I would sell an ounce for $50. Wow. Okay. So I was doubling my money.
Starting point is 00:27:16 You couldn't beat that. All this time I'd been working for $6 an hour and all this shit. And wait a second. So at that time, it would sell itself, like a nice ounce for $50, and I would give them extra, so I would take my ounce, would be a little less, or my count would be a little less. I would sell it all and double my money. It was fucking like, man, why not?
Starting point is 00:27:42 I kept doubling my money, doubling my money, doubling my money. I couldn't see, I couldn't, I never lost, I doubled, there was never, I never got stuck. Yeah, you get stuck with a few extra stems in those days, and you have to count that as weight. So once you took those things out, it really made, instead of having 28 grams an ounce, now you got one ounce that was maybe 24 grams. So I took a beat right off the top. But if I sold those at 50 bucks and gave them a little extra and whatever, I would still
Starting point is 00:28:11 make $70, $80. It wasn't a bad fucking profit for something you could do once a day. That's 400 a fucking week. If you do it five times in a fucking week. Yeah. So they turned me on. And you could have done it more. Yeah, and I was doing this without a car.
Starting point is 00:28:28 This was just to the kids I was going to school around, hey, I got no weed. Boom, let's do it. And I would just always make money like that, and I started making money like that. And then finally, a friend of mine told me that he could cop and bulk, but now at this time I'm doing acid. I'm 16 and I'm doing a little micro dot hits acid once a week and shit. I'm trying to keep it under the borderline. I was also doing angel dust.
Starting point is 00:28:54 I was doing TAC crystal. So I would do that. But I always was fucking out of my mind. So I'm 16 and I'm doing angel dust once on Sundays. I would just do it on Sundays. It was called crystal TAC. That was the trick, but there was elements of angel dust in there. So I would do that on Sunday was a big track day for my mother.
Starting point is 00:29:14 She would hit like two of the tracks. So I know she was going to be gone from like 10 to six. So I could get high at fucking 11 and at six o'clock, at least I'd be a little normal when she got home. I could at least talk to her. So I had to time my highs around my mother being out because that last year she wasn't really working. She just had the bar.
Starting point is 00:29:37 But during the week at night, oh yeah, I would drop a little hit of acid during the week one night and go to a friend's house and listen to music or walk. We'd be like David Robinson. We'd walk from here to fucking Turkey and back every night through cemeteries. We'd just see shit and see streaks and shit like that. Then I teamed up with this dude named Nick and he told me about these guys in East Trousberg, Pennsylvania. And they were like albino types like they were fucking down the league.
Starting point is 00:30:09 It was a whole different world for me. Well, sometimes I think I missed out. Sometimes like maybe I'm lucky. I didn't. What are you finding out? Bion types in the middle of Pennsylvania. There was, oh my god, I wish you would have seen what their apartment looked and smelled like.
Starting point is 00:30:29 A lot like this place. No. No. No. This place is a fun. This place smells great. This place is a lot of weed. No.
Starting point is 00:30:37 They didn't even had weed. They smelled like chemicals. Like every time I was in there, I'm like, what is this place going to blow up? And they'd be in there smoking cigarettes and shit. I'm like, oh, god. I didn't know nothing about nothing, but I knew just from basic chemistry, from lighting myself on fire and shit, you never had a chemistry set when you were a kid. I never lit myself on fire.
Starting point is 00:31:00 Bro, I had about two or three chemistry sets and I would put them together and I'd create shit. I don't even know what I was creating. Every time we talk, it explains more and more, you probably have like a chemical reaction. What do you mean you say you love on fire? I loved all that shit when I was a kid. I was an only child and I would go to that fucking grammar school and I was surrounded with kids for four days.
Starting point is 00:31:26 When I got out of there, I would go home and sit in my attic and I just wanted to be by myself. And I was a little ahead of the fucking sphere and I got, you know, when you got comic books in those days, they always talked about chemistry sets and I figured, let me get myself a chemistry set. So I saved my pennies up and I got myself a little chemistry set. You know, they got like simple shit and they're like sulfur baking soda or something. But then I would get like the expanded ones.
Starting point is 00:31:52 Where? Like they had like bigger ones that had more shells and shit. And they would tell you, don't combine this with this. That's the first thing I do. I remember I would do all my experiments in the attic. I had an attic and I would do all my experiments in there. Oh my God, I had this purple syrup that I made one time in a test tube. I just kept throwing shit in there and I remember putting it on the carpet and the fucking carpet
Starting point is 00:32:20 started like eating away. I did so much damage with that chemistry set. I used to drink shit. I didn't even know what the fuck I was drinking after time. I mean, I was a retarded kid. You didn't just play the lottery every day. You were the luckiest person alive. How are you alive?
Starting point is 00:32:35 I don't know. I was making shit. So I was interested until I found out that you had to go to pharmacy school and all that. I'm like, I'm not going through that. I just want to learn shit to make shit blow up and life flies. I was the king of the chemistry set for a long time. Then I just quit. I just fucking said, this is too much for me.
Starting point is 00:32:53 I'm going to get too absolved of this shit involved. So I quit the chemistry set game. But when I started meeting these dudes, I was aware that you couldn't fucking smoke in there and you couldn't do simple things. And you'd go in there and they had all those, they had one bedroom. They all slept like in the living room and both of their bedrooms. Like they were college kids and both of their bedrooms were empty. It was just manufacturing.
Starting point is 00:33:22 And they had like an air conditioner in there and fans and one room had like paper where they would do the blotter acid. I mean, it was like an operation. It was a mom-pop-op operation. And I think about it now at that time, I don't know, because my buddy Nick would take money from people and he'd go buy it and get himself a cheaper price. I don't know what he was buying. I would buy my own stuff.
Starting point is 00:33:54 I was giving them in those days, nine, eight hundred hours a week. And I know Nick was giving them nine, eight hundred hours a week. I can't imagine how many people were driving in to buy stuff from them because our day was Saturday. And they ran it like a fucking by appointment, like you had a half hour and then you had to get out of there because they didn't want the neighbors to see the cars. You're a professional, these two young guys. So wait, are you spending a thousand a week almost?
Starting point is 00:34:25 I would go up there and spend, I would buy five hundred black beauties. Black beauties with speed in the black capsule and wrestlers ate them to make weight because they were diet pills. You can't eat if you're speeding. So they were called black beauties. And I would sell those, I would get those for thirty-five dollars for a thousand and I would sell them for a dollar a piece or thirty-five for a hundred. So I would go back and I had five wrestlers give me thirty right off the bat, I'd make
Starting point is 00:35:05 a profit and then I'd have five hundred left to sell them one dollar bills. If you bought twenty, I gave you twenty-five, you know what I'm saying? But after that it was all profit. I didn't really matter what, I didn't really matter what I made off of you, it was all profit. Who do I give a fuck? Yeah, once you made thirty-five bucks back. Yeah, who do I give a fuck?
Starting point is 00:35:25 It was a very unique business, but to start the business I had to take a thousand dollars out of the bank account and I pretty much never touched that bank account. It was just everything rotated out of my house after that. I think I made a few deposits of two hundred dollars. I think when my mom died I probably had like eighteen hundred dollars in there. I never touched that money. I sustained without really a job from April to November that year and I would do it in such a slow, like a lot of people in my neighborhood sold acid.
Starting point is 00:36:00 Every neighborhood had a different acid or drug representative. My neighborhood had one, but we had different clientele. He wasn't in high school. You could go to his house if you were in high school. I was at the school, so as soon as I walked into the school I had twenty kids who were ready for waiting for me that were going to play hooky. So you would buy a little bit of acid or mostly acid and some black beauties? I would buy, I just devoured acid and black beauties, but all different types of acid.
Starting point is 00:36:34 Every week they would make a new acid. Every week they would make four-way acid, blotter acid. They would make acid that was like what they do with marijuana now. Scrains. Yeah, like they would make certain strains that were sellable. Something that would happen, typhoon or you know, so they would all have gimmicks. They were very smart about it. They had like this acid that it was called four-way acid.
Starting point is 00:37:04 You could buy it and four people could do it, but no, we ate the whole thing. And how much would you turn that 800 bucks into? Well, the masculine acid, the micro-dot was $90 for a hundred hits, so it cost me $0.90 and I would sell them for $3, so I would make a $2 and $10 profit on each one. I would pick up a thousand of those a week. And probably sell 200 sub-guys that weren't going to go in competition with me, like let's say somebody lived in the Kennedy School District. I would give sell them a hundred and let's say somebody lived on 64th Street Field.
Starting point is 00:37:49 I would give them a hundred, 43rd Street, 46th Street, 38th Street Park. I was a substation. You were never scared about the cops finding out about any of this? No, because even if they found out, I had it out. How do you even know? I had caught my malsana. I always had it out. There was always, and I was doing it in such a small level that nobody would have known,
Starting point is 00:38:17 i.e., thank God and that nobody ever died, I didn't have anybody who was careless. Those hits of micro-dot thinking back on them, they were harmless. They were a lot stronger than the acid you and I have done here. You have done, you and I have done acid maybe three times, and all three times, we've done it in a micro level, in a very small... That's micro? Yeah. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:38:46 For me, it's been like a three hour, I've never gone into the other side like I used to when I was a kid. Where's the other side feeling? The other side is like, you've just done another side. I feel like I was there. It's an out-of-body experience, we walk, we stop, you trip more, we walk, we stop by your house, you tell me you're freaking out, we smoke some more pot, we calm you down, and then we walk, we walk, we walk, and then you feel yourself coming down, you start yawning,
Starting point is 00:39:20 but they were all lies. Those are all signals your body tells you to think that it's done. And it keeps going. It keeps going. You don't know how many times I went in because I'm coming down, and next thing you know, I'm sitting in bed and I'm seeing fucking the posters spinning around. My stomach is feeling nauseous just thinking about it. It's a...
Starting point is 00:39:45 Trust me, when you're doing it and you're having fun, there's no more fun. Oh no, there is. I could... You know, I tell jokes on stage that my daughter's not going to have the fun I had growing up. I'm very appreciative of what happened in my situation a lot of times. Yeah, I lost a mother, but I got a gift out of people that now I know how to give back, and that's that gift of, you know, how to handle somebody. Like the kid that I had in here a couple of weeks ago, we came in here, his daughter
Starting point is 00:40:20 hangs out with my daughter, and he's a great guy, and his wife's a great lady, and I brought him back here with his entourage meant I was telling you guys the other day. The reason why I took him back here was because his mom and dad had died in a matter of two months, and he was going through some heavy stuff, and when you go through that, it makes everything else seem heavier, and it's so weird that I lost my mom at 16, and I see people who lost their jobs, who lost their moms now, and I still get fucking emotional when they tell me that they lost their moms. It still bothers me to an extent that Jesus Christ had happened to me so long ago, and
Starting point is 00:41:08 I still feel so much pain. How can you not? I can't imagine to go over again when I went through those first three years. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, you know, and it takes its toll at every age. Don't get me wrong. It hurts at every age. Losing a mother hurts at every age. There's people who talk about losing, listen, losing a fucking father at any age hurts.
Starting point is 00:41:38 I shouldn't just focus on the mothers. Losing friends, losing anybody. Losing a friend. That affected me. Ralphie May's death has affected me till this day, guys. Like when I was a kid, Anthony Balzano's death affected me, and then my mother's death affected me. My father's death affected me.
Starting point is 00:41:56 My Dominic Speciale's death affected me for a while. That destroyed me at that age, and then I lived a few years, and you meet more people, you lose along the way, and then, you know, I lost Marilyn. That was devastating. That was 11 years ago, and then Ralphie made me make a change. When somebody's death makes you get up and go, oh, I fucking get this now. That's an every death. I've done that.
Starting point is 00:42:28 I've learned from somebody's death. When Richard Jenny shot himself, God rest his soul. When Mitch Hedberg died, God rest his soul, they were all different circumstances, but a part of me felt something. I had to change something. On some situations, I didn't. You know, with Marilyn, it made me take a call to colonoscopy more often and make them put a finger up my ass more often from time to time.
Starting point is 00:42:55 But with Ralphie's death, I got to tell you something, and the church family sees this. When we put that video up in December, Lee and I learned something from Ralphie, that he's still alive. I mean, you guys downloaded 300,000 times, and that's better than a regular fucking guest, and you guys all responded to it. So if you imagine, if you guys responded to it in that type of manner, how it affected me, I think about Ralphie when I set my schedule up now. You know, a lot of people lately have been hitting me up and going, hey, man, you haven't
Starting point is 00:43:34 been doing the fucking, the morning joints no more. You know why? You know why I was yesterday? I was on a fucking field trip. I was on a field trip with kids. You know, it's, I'm not, it's coming to a place now that life is unwinding and I can't do the crazy shit I was doing anymore. Plus, whenever Lee's not here, the periscope don't work.
Starting point is 00:43:59 So I said, this time's like coming, two times have come here so far to do the fucking periscope and it won't work unless you're here. I guarantee you now it works. Now we can do it. But no, it's not that I forgot about you guys in any way, shape or form. It's that life has really gotten into the way. If I don't go, there's days I got to meet with the fucking writers at fucking 10 o'clock. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Starting point is 00:44:25 I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not a fucking dude. The guys think I'm a fucking writer. You've heard my material. It's fucking stupid stories and shit like that. No, I got to go fucking right. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. See, the periscope isn't working here no more.
Starting point is 00:44:38 Maybe it's a periscope thing, we'll have to test it with Instagram or another thing. So it's not that I don't love you guys by no means. It's that life has really gotten into the way the last couple fucking months. It's real. But I think what you're saying is like older Joe ideas, like you have a choice. You could still do the morning joint and be like, I don't want to go on this field trip. But because of the way Ralphie's death affected you, you're making different choices. Absolutely.
Starting point is 00:45:11 Absolutely. I'm making different choices of how I eat. I'm making different choices of how to take care of myself. Last night we were at the comedy store and I was speaking to a comic and he goes, you know, I'm just happy to be home. I get road and this and that and he goes, I gotta take a break and I go, you know, man, that club's going to be there next year. And it was like I said something that the Lord would have said.
Starting point is 00:45:40 He looked at me like a fucking, like I had said something because I never thought about it that way. He goes, but then these agents call you and they said that the old, they can make offers all they want. They can make all the offers all they want. The club's going to be there next year. I want to go there and give you the best possible fucking show I could give you. I don't want to go to a fucking city in Chuck and Jive.
Starting point is 00:46:03 When you don't see Rogan touring, he'll tell you it's because he don't have the fucking you don't want to cover the spread. He doesn't have the material to cover the spread. Sometimes it's the same thing with us. We want to be the best we can be when I go out there. When I go out there, I want to give you the best before that's why Clinton Cronin hit me up this morning. A great guy up in San Jose.
Starting point is 00:46:25 You know, would you do the podcast? When I go on the road, it's the fucking right and do comedy. That's all I want to focus on. I'm going to do a couple of workouts. I'm going to go to original Joe's and eat with the Agostino. But besides that, I have already seen San Jose 80 fucking times. I don't want to see nothing. I just want to focus on you guys.
Starting point is 00:46:46 I'm getting older. You know, I go to the store on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays when I'm in town. Listen, if you know anything about the comedy store, the electricity, the magic, you want to be down there every night. I can't cover the fucking spread. Like I told you guys a week ago, ever since I watched that Rogan podcast with the sleep guy, I've been logging down my sleep. I do everything.
Starting point is 00:47:10 I try to, because I understand how important it is. 20 years ago, it wasn't important to me and look what the result was. Look at me in the longest yard. It looked like my head's about to fucking explode. I'm trying to live here for this little girl and I'm trying to be the best dad I could beat right now and mixing it in with comedy, podcasting, writing a book. Jesus fucking Christ. But anyway, back to the original subject.
Starting point is 00:47:39 Empathy is, my heart goes out to Jerry Rocha and the road he has to deal with. My heart's gone out to a lot of my friends the last couple of years. A lot of my friends have lost people and listen, man, the good thing about, I think the good thing about the way we do our Facebook and our Twitter and you guys have noticed it. If you guys are fucking, listen, there's a thing called the DM and there's a way to be a gentleman. If you're thinking about something, you don't want to fucking talk to somebody about it. Somebody die or something.
Starting point is 00:48:17 Listen, we live, we're across the street from a funeral parlor. I know all about that, the reactions to it. You guys know what I went through with Demi and Harry two months ago with the two cats going within a month. I know how to grieve it, you know, I told you I'm writing this book and there's a chapter I have to do about the kidnapping. I could not do the kidnapping without not letting you know the evolutions of drugs in my life and what they did.
Starting point is 00:48:48 You know, yesterday I was eating dinner and they said that they gave El Chapo life. I was just watching the news, listening to the news on the side and I'm thinking to myself, you know what, he deserves more than fucking life. Even though I did Coke for 2,000 years and I was the main contributor to it, these guys were in on shipping poison into America. I got three friends I grew up with now that are half fucking cocked in their fifties because of what we went through in our fucking eighties with these drugs. They deserve to get what they get, but anyway, we made our own choices.
Starting point is 00:49:21 I'm not blaming El Chapo or his cousin or anybody else for doing the mistakes I did. The point being is that we did what the fuck we did and now we got to deal with it and now we get older and I can't not to maintain that comes on my mind. I wanted to do a single podcast with you guys, let you know. I can't believe I'm turning 56. I cannot believe I'm turning 56 all those years of walking around and writing shit down and you know, having these semi-dreams about things. I never once, I called my friend Didi the other day and I said, Didi, all those years
Starting point is 00:50:08 you and I walked around together and talked at the age of 16, 15, did we ever talk about your fifties? Nobody ever talks about their fifties. Nobody ever says, wow, when I'm fucking 50, nobody, because we don't fucking think about. I never thought I would make it to fucking 50. I'm sitting there going Tuesday, I'm going to be 50 fucking six years old. How fucking fast did this go? Last birthday I remember is, you know, coming home, my mom telling me I hit the number and
Starting point is 00:50:45 that's how fast it went. That's how fast. Nine months later, she was fucking gone, gone. That was my last birthday, then my 17th birthday, I celebrated in the attic, I broke into my mother's house with 18 gorillas and we had the party of the year up in that attic. Everybody puked, like six people were puking at once, the fucking house was a mess. My father locked up the house after that, he put an alarm in there, we could not get in. It was fucking horrible.
Starting point is 00:51:17 I'm just saying, just for the record, man, that, you know, like I said, if you're going through something, and I mean, you know, don't fucking hit me there, you want to be on the fucking podcast. If somebody dies, a cat, a dog, a dad, DM me, let's talk about it. Let's talk how to put it in perspective before it eats away on you. You know what was one of the biggest skeletons in my closet? Not dealing with my mother's death. I swear to you guys.
Starting point is 00:51:46 I swear to you guys, my mom died in 79 and I didn't deal with it till 85. I threw everything I could at dealing with it to push it as far away from me as I could. I threw rocks at it, I did heroin, I did coke, I drank, I did pills, I did everything I could not to deal with her death and it backfired on me. In 1984, I ended up homeless fucking, you know, grinded, grinded mentally. Why? Because I didn't deal with it. Listen, I don't say this a thousand times.
Starting point is 00:52:22 I do not believe in you giving somebody a douche a week to talk to somebody about this stuff. This is stuff that you talk to with your friend. We all have a friend who has a parent that passed away. Give them a call. How do they deal with it? Everybody deals it a little fucking differently. You know, I noticed a friend of mine always tells me his dad taught him how to box and
Starting point is 00:52:52 sometimes this guy goes in and out because he still mourns his dad. His dad's been gone for about a year and a half. Great guy. Lee knows. Great guy. The other dad was hitting the back of his joint and I saw him standing and I go, hey man, do me a favor. Teach me some of the stuff your dad taught me and he looked at me like a ghost hit him.
Starting point is 00:53:12 And I did that for a reason because I know he's dealing with it. And we got to the fight position meeting him Saturday and I was throwing fake jabs at him and he was hitting my gloves and he was showing me all this shit his dad taught him when he was growing up. His dad was a real boxer and he was teaching me how you jab, jab, jab and then you hit him with a hook and then you don't see it coming and he taught me a counter off the right fucking cross and as I was looking at him, he was telling me all this with a smile on his face. And I gave him a hug and I go, your dad taught you some good stuff and he looked at me kind
Starting point is 00:53:44 of like you fucking played me cocksuck. It's not that. It's that I know what people are dealing with when they lose a loved one, you know. My friend Timmy, I can feel it when I talk to him on the phone. He lost his mom and his dad and you know, his life has been a rut. This is what happens. You lose your compass. Don't let it get to you.
Starting point is 00:54:09 If you lose somebody, don't let it get to you. You just lose your compass, sit down, call your friends that have gone through a similar situation and those people are going to be your anchor. Trust me, those people are going to keep you fucking together. It's not some psychiatrist. It's not some fucking pills. Listen, you might, we all need to self-medicate. Don't ever get me wrong.
Starting point is 00:54:37 You know, I love the gift of grief because grief, grieving, I'm sorry, grieving after you lose somebody happens just like this. You wake up in the morning, you think about that person for a second or two and then the day overtakes your mind of what things you have to do that day and then you do all those things. You go to all these parties. You go to all these events. You go to see with your friends.
Starting point is 00:55:07 You get in your car at the end of the night or your Uber, your head home and that pain creeps up on you. It doesn't show up so maybe a half hour before you're going to go to bed and that's when you got to deal with that pain because when people are around you, that pain goes away. You forget all about that pain. It's not until you get home at night that you really got to confront that demon. That's why for years I would go home to party. I would go home and I would go fuck confronting that demon because it doesn't hit you in
Starting point is 00:55:38 the daytime. When you're active, that's why I tell people right after somebody passes, you got about a week to put it into perspective and then it'll even take over you or you have to take over it. So the best thing is to stay busy and surround yourself with people, people constantly in and out and do this, weigh yourself in. At night you're going to have to answer to the pipe and that's where all the problems fall on your shoulders.
Starting point is 00:56:02 That's why most people go home and what do they do? They smoke or drink. They have a drink because this is when the demons catch up to you and they fucking knock you on the shoulder and go, hey, we didn't go away. What I would do is numb it. I would fucking get high, put on black Sabbath and pass out crying where I should have got up. I was too young and wrote about it when I'm feeling, I mean, I'm the fucking kid that
Starting point is 00:56:31 after my mother died two years later, I would still go to the house to see if they made a mistake. You know, so please, if you're grieving, there's a process and I basically did this show for Jerry Rocha because he's traveling and he says going to download it, you know, and there's a process to grieving and 40 years later, I can tell you, it still hurts. It doesn't hurt as much, but it still fucking plays with my legs from time to time. I can still hit you in the stomach and you know, somebody's gone. And that's it.
Starting point is 00:57:08 And that's that, man. It's motherfucking Valentine's Day, baby. And this was just a solo podcast today just to keep you motherfuckers alive and let you know I didn't forget about you. Even though things are happening, they're busy. We got a church family member that's down top quality, Tony, our hearts and prayers go out to him, you know, he's, uh, he came to a bunch of Vegas shows and, uh, I know they're talking to Michael Klein and, uh, they've been going
Starting point is 00:57:32 back and forth. We retreated the picture. If you want to do me a favor and send them your, your thoughts and your prayers, I'm in fucking San Jose and there's not much I could do up here, but do fucking six shows. I want to thank you for selling out all six shows, the church family coming in fucking strong. I got new material. I got old material.
Starting point is 00:57:52 I'm just planning on smoking dope and having a good fucking time. No edibles. I'm back off the edible training, but I got to be honest here. I got a box of CBD edibles in the fucking mail two days ago and I finally looked at them yesterday. I'm going to tell you more about these fucking things. They were tremendous. I heard, I can't wait to try the pop.
Starting point is 00:58:11 I popped a couple of fucking cubes last night before I went to sleep. I got up one time to pay at three and the other time was 748 when my daughter was shaking me going, dad, I'm leaving and I got up, gave her a kiss, told her to let nobody fuck with you today. And I'll see you four o'clock before fucking karate and shit. And I got up like nothing. I went and got coffee. Usually my everything hurts.
Starting point is 00:58:34 I feel like I got hit by a train. So I'm going to keep you aware of this. That good fucking company. I like my CBDs dog. I rub them on my knees. If I take a shower, as soon as I get out of the shower, I rub CBD oil, the super strength shit they got up here on my knees, my shoulders, I rub it on my hands. I work the Chinese balls, which a lot of women should be working.
Starting point is 00:58:55 They teach us how to juggle balls. I had a guy in New York that gave me a box, the Chinese box, and it has those two balls in it, the Chinese handballs. And when you spin them, it plays Chinese songs for you. It's tremendous for the fingers. What do you have? Interesting morning, Joey. Doctor, you got to make the best of your day.
Starting point is 00:59:12 I got one foot in the grave on a banana peel. You know what I'm saying? I appreciate every fucking day because I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know. No, you're right. And I don't want to harp on it too much because I think you're right. And something that I've definitely learned from you is to be better with your friends. But I'm someone who has trouble.
Starting point is 00:59:33 Even like, I don't even think I have too many close friends. I've always been someone to have like a couple, but not a bunch. But sometimes I have trouble opening up. I'm I've enjoyed going and talking to somebody. So if I just know there's some people out there listening who might be like, I don't have anyone to call like they might feel like that. So and you are right, it'd be better to help you or I up or any of that. But I I I think therapy has a place if because some people don't have it as
Starting point is 01:00:03 as as much as I have people in my life. They're sometimes like, you know, you don't want to say things to some people. Well, a lot of times you don't even think of those things when you're talking to people. Sometimes the psychiatrist has a way of getting it out of you. Oh, yeah. It's also helpful. A lot of people that have a hard time spilling their guts of psychiatrists. They're professionals. They know how to get it out of you in a certain way.
Starting point is 01:00:26 You know, I'm not saying what I'm saying works for everybody. What I'm saying was at the time when I was suffering through what I was going through, first of all, I didn't know psychiatry was really available to me. And even if it was available to me, I'm paying you what cocaine could do a better job. So I wouldn't have listened. That was from time to time. I tell myself it's time to go start talking to somebody. I just don't have the balls.
Starting point is 01:00:53 And when I do go through something that's that deep, I got four guys I call. And I get their opinion. Some stuff I can ask my wife about some stuff. I know she's going to go into a tirade about. But you know what? I asked my friends a lot of shit. I think that was your friend that just saying it helps. I have four different voices, five or six different voices.
Starting point is 01:01:16 And if I don't know the fucking answer to the questions, I ask questions. I'm not too embarrassed to ask a question. I don't know everything. So I want to know everything. There's times I got a question for Rogan. There's things that Rogan don't understand. There's times I got a question for my friend James. There's times I asked Timmy.
Starting point is 01:01:37 There's times I talk. I talked a lot to George because me and George had similar lifestyles. So I talk a lot to George. You know, this time I'm still also good Felicia. I'll call Felicia. Felicia is really good on attack mode sometimes that you'll go Jesus Christ. You know, Felicia did this, but she had enough. So I have that community of people.
Starting point is 01:02:00 Ari, Ari is great. Ari is level headed. And guess what? We work off each other. I talk to Ari a lot about where he's slipping, what age he's at, how fast this goes. This goes fast. This goes faster than what you anticipate. Two weeks ago was Christmas.
Starting point is 01:02:20 Two weeks ago was Christmas. I don't know how you guys feel, but in my world, it was Christmas two fucking weeks ago. So, you know, I'm fucking still confused. And we're going on Valentine's Day. It was just fucking Christmas two weeks ago. And I ain't getting no fucking younger. Neither are you fucking guys. So listen, uh, yeah, talk to somebody.
Starting point is 01:02:42 If you're feeling down, I just wanted to do this podcast to let people know, man, that we all going through shit, you know, we all go through shit and you have avenues. I said, no, there's a lot of people. Red Bam was going to come on this week and talk about the amount of people around us. That are basically losing their minds. You're watching it. You're seeing it on social media, people that you were friends with, whether it's political motivations, whether it's, you know, you're watching.
Starting point is 01:03:14 I just found out about this Alex Jones thing. It's, it's, it's unbelievable. And it's scary. It scares you in a way that people lose their minds. I hope you people see that we have gotten better. We're trying not to lose our minds. We've cut down on the edibles. We've cut down a lot of things.
Starting point is 01:03:31 We've taken care of ourselves. I got to applaud Lee. He has been going to that little fitness thing on Tuesday and Thursdays. It's a start. It starts somewhere. Little commitments become big commitments. And I got to applaud you for that lately. You have been showing up even when he was out of town.
Starting point is 01:03:48 You haven't been coming up with excuses lately. You haven't been making up false appointments at one o'clock that you have to take when you know that you, you've got all day to take them. And you've been going and you've been working through it. And I applaud you. Thank you. Because that's what it's all about. I think Lee has a misconception some time that you do something for three months and that said,
Starting point is 01:04:09 no, it's every week. It's hard. It's what life is. It's every week. It's the same fucking record. Life gets boring. But if it's working, why fucking fix it? Life gets boring.
Starting point is 01:04:20 You're going to have to do a thousand things over and over and over and over and over just to get to where you need to be. That's what it is. People work out four times a week. And people don't have the luxury that I had that I could get up in the morning and stroll into a gym at nine. There are people that take my fucking hearts out there. That they work a fucking eight hour day and then they go to a fucking gym. My heart goes out to you. I give you all the utmost respect.
Starting point is 01:04:49 I go to a gym at seven o'clock. I don't even know where to start. They're talking about throw a left. I'm throwing rights. I'm throwing knees. I don't know nothing. By seven o'clock, I'm fried. All I'm good for is fucking comedy.
Starting point is 01:05:01 Or even being at the gym at six in the morning. Just to be in the gym at six in the morning, those guys that go at six and that Joey Alvarado, he puts up a fucking video every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I see nine people at five thirty in the morning doing burpees and swings, kettlebell swings. You think I goof on those people? I fucking put some on that thing every fucking day. Every day.
Starting point is 01:05:24 I couldn't imagine doing. I could go to box at eight o'clock. I could catch a nine a.m. movie, tie class. But anything else as the day progresses, you're going to catch a shitty fucking Joey Diaz. It's just the way it is. It's the law. The measuring returns. I'm fifty-six.
Starting point is 01:05:42 I'm a lot better in the morning than I am at fucking night. By night time, I'm cooked. My mind is fucking cooked. So I don't know how to fuck you feel. It's Valentine's Day, bitches. Go out there. Have a good fucking day today. Send somebody your heart.
Starting point is 01:05:57 Send somebody your love. Just tell them you love them. Maybe they're going through something. They're saying go call them up. Say, hey, happy Valentine's Day. I'm going to shoot an arrow in your fucking asshole. Whatever the fuck you need. The cheer them up.
Starting point is 01:06:09 That's what we're all about. Listen, it was a great fucking week. I hope you have a great week next week. We're getting down. I'm sorry about Sunday's podcast with Steve Simone. A lot of people want to hear what Steve Simone have to say. We'll get them back on here. We just had an accident that would never happen again.
Starting point is 01:06:25 Trust me. It'll never happen again. Three months. I don't know. Shut the fuck up. I don't ever want to be in that position again. How fucked up I was on Sunday night. Don't forget.
Starting point is 01:06:35 Thank you again for selling out the improv this weekend. San Jose. And next week we're coming in heavy at the fucking Vegas. Friday, me and Kate Quigley at Treasure Island. And then Saturday at the Fox Theater and motherfucking Tucson. We're coming in heavy. Heavy. I don't give a fuck about the state fair in Tucson or the rodeo.
Starting point is 01:06:54 Give your tickets back, bitch. Uncle Joey's coming to town. And it's his only Arizona appearance this fucking year. I got to save on the fucking weeks I print myself out last year. I hope you understand. Second of all, I want to thank our sponsors as usual for keeping this ship a fucking sale, not to mention you savage motherfuckers. But anyway, talking about jobs.
Starting point is 01:07:15 Listen to me. You know how hard it is to hire the right people to find the right qualified candidates. It takes a long time. You got to go through applications. You got to go through applicants and background checks. Listen, zip recruiter makes all this nice and easy. All right.
Starting point is 01:07:32 Zip recruiter.com is slash church is the way to go. Hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. But today hiring can be easy and you only have to go to one place to get it done. Zip recruiter.com. All right. Zip recruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there with their powerful matching technology.
Starting point is 01:07:59 Zip recruiter scans thousands of resumes to find people with the right experience and invites them. Listen to me and invites them to apply for your job. As the application comes in, zip recruiter analyzes each one and spots like the top candidate so you never miss a great match. The zip recruiter is so effective that 80% of its employers who post on zip recruiter got a quality candidate through the site within the first day. And you can't beat that.
Starting point is 01:08:28 And right now the church's family can get zip recruiter for free. Our listeners for free at zip recruiter.com slash church. Again, that's zip recruiter.com slash church. Like I said, hiring is a challenge, but there's one place you could go to make it simple. The place is zip recruiter.com slash church. C-H-U-R-C-H and you're going to let you try it for free. Uncle Joe, you're right.
Starting point is 01:08:58 Number two, I want to thank our main... Listen, since day one, Anna's been there for me. You know what? I live off their supplements, whether it's the Mexican chocolate protein powder. They got those new boxes with the one-a-day vitamins in them. I went through them already. I got to get another order. I've just been lazy.
Starting point is 01:09:15 I'm very content with just getting the Alfa brand from them and the Shroom Tech Sport and Immune to keep me alive in the gym. If I was you, I'd give them all a try. Go to Anna.com right now. Right now, look at their tremendous supplements. I can't do nothing for you with the weighted vest and I can't do nothing for you with the other thing, but as far as supplements, I got you, motherfuckers. 10% off delivered right to your door.
Starting point is 01:09:39 What do I recommend? Number one, Alfa brand. Number two, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. They got the MCT oil. They got so many. They got the beef jerky, the elk jerky. They got the fucking coconut nubs protein bar. Listen, go to Anna.com right now.
Starting point is 01:09:58 Look at their great line of supplements. When you find something you want, go to the box and press in. Church. Bam. And get 10 motherfucking percent off your order. All right. Listen, I love you guys. Have a happy Valentine's Day.
Starting point is 01:10:12 Whether you're single, you're not lonely. You got your Uncle Joey. Whether you're single, whether you're together, have a happy Valentine's Day. Love the one you're with. And that's it. Talk suckers. Have a great weekend. I'll see you back here on fucking presence day.
Starting point is 01:10:27 Kick this fucking meal, Lee. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. They found a way to kill me yet. My eyes burn when staying in square. Seems every path leads me to nowhere. Wives and kids come so fast. Your arm ain't green, but your nose ain't bad. A bullet screams to me from somewhere.
Starting point is 01:12:16 Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster. Yeah, here come the rooster. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, they come to stop the rooster. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they come to stop the rooster. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:14:05 You know he ain't gonna die. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They spit on me in my homeland Gloria sent me pictures of my boy pictures of my boy Got my pills, cancelling skeets, all that My body's breathing, it's dying breath God, please, won't you help me make it through?
Starting point is 01:15:21 Yeah, they come just not the rooster Yeah, yeah Yeah, they come the rooster Yeah You know he ain't gonna die No, no You know he ain't gonna die You see

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