Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #659 - Tom Rhodes

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

Tom Rhodes, a touring comedian for more than 30 years and the host of the "Tom Rhodes Radio," podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Tom's new album that he recorded in more than 25 cities around the world is available on iTunes and Amazon as of February 19, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/18/2018.  

Greetings from podcastville. It's Monday February 18th motherfucking president's day The podcast is brought to you by Robin Hood Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks ETFs options and cryptos all commission three Plus there's no account minimum deposit needed to get started so you can start investing at any level With Robin Hood you can learn how to invest in the market as you build your portfolio Discover new stocks track your favorite companies and get custom notifications for price movements So you never miss the right movement moment to invest Robin Hood is giving the church family

A free stock like apple for the sprint to help you build your portfolio. Okay. That's what we're doing today Tuesday the 19 sign up at church dot Robin hood dot com again church dot Robin hood dot com I also want to thank on it. Listen when it comes to supplements There's no one better from the alpha brain to the shroom tech to the shroom tech immune to the shroom tech sport I've already been on them this weekend with the two fucking planes and guess what? I'll be on them next week with the fucking flying because you never know what type of germs you're gonna get on a fucking plane these days anyway Go to honor impressing church bam and get 10% off delivered right to your motherfucking crib

Kick this motherfucking mule Oh, shit Happy birthday to all the presidents. You got the day off It's a good day to get your balls licked by a gumless lady. You know what I'm saying? Fucking here we go A little delivering the motherfucking goods with the church of what's happening now is doing bitches Oh, shit We're hesitated

Gay is a motherfucker with a whip What a gay guy with a whip Do this motherfucker delivering the goods Tuesday February 19th by the time you get this hope you had a great fucking weekend Tom Rhodes in the motherfucking house Joey the christ killers in the motherfucking house and his father's in the motherfucking house How's that the christ killers father's christ killer senior christ killer senior? What's happening top what's up joey isn't it as odd that we get president's day off But we don't get the day off when we vote for president

Can you believe that shit? What kind of bullshit is that in fact the system's rigged the system was rigged listen first of all Anybody who knows history knows we used to get two mondays off in a row We used to get the monday last monday was a blinkin birthday And this monday is george washington's birthday. So years ago 20 years ago. We got that They took away lincoln's birthday and then they gave this martin luther king, which was smart That means you got a day off on the 20th. I ain't mad at them On the 20th of january after christmas slows, you know saying yeah, yeah, yeah Sometimes you go right from christmas right to work

So at least they care about you. So we lost the day. I don't know if you remember this. We used to get to know Off in a row for years. We got two mondays off in a row Then they combined them to become president's day So just a little history on president's day for you motherfuckers not to know dropping some knowledge always on a monday morning You got to do something with your fucking self. You know what i'm saying? I got a We were gonna do a hit ass. I brought some fucking acid back for today. Sure In honor of erin burr Rolling around in a park in north hollywood for the rest of the afternoon

Own benjamin repeat. I played in uh in basal switzerland where lsd was invented. Are you serious? Yeah, and it's on that new that new new album. I mentioned this on that track that um You know what a magic day that must have been so albert hoffman 1943 World war two is raging and he was experimenting with this shit and he He he took a little accidentally and he was riding his bicycle home when it hit him And he just like rolled around in a field for a couple hours laughing and shit And then he went home the story of like when the lsd was invented is amazing

So he goes home and when we're pulling to this town that says welcome to basal hoffman lsd was They kind of they kind of they they're on the hush hush about that But all these like pharmaceutical corporations are based there. So they're making all kinds of shit there Um, but it's a place to live Basil switch on this is a really nice place actually But uh like his neighbor came over albert hoffman and he thought he was like a witch or something It's uh, I haven't read the story in a long time, but it's it's pretty amazing and I uh, the first time I did acid

Was in an apartment complex in jacksonville florida with some people I didn't know It was less enjoyable I was never I was never a big acid fan. I was against it Um, because the first time I did it it was terrible and then for years I I was never a you know, uh, a chemical guy But after my sit-com and I had a ton of Big pile of cash. I looked at that money as my nbc artist grant And I moved in new york city and I got a rock star apartment in the wall street area And nobody lived down in the wall street area at that time

And there was this acid head comic from baltimore. I'll save his name Uh, and he told me he goes. I know you're not into this, but I got some pure lsd Dropped on to sugar cubes. That's why I used to do here And he said he goes. I know you're not into this, but trust me Yeah, I'm going to give you 10 of these And and I want you to try to just drop it into a into a tea in a cup and then drink the tea and then You know, you'll you'll be off. So Uh, I would do I would do like half of it at the beginning the first like five

I would only chop like half of them up and do it and nobody lived in the wall street area So I would do this and I would put on I had roller blades and I would roller blade around The wall street area now. It's like, you know a fortress down there since september 11th But used to be like one taxi cab every few hours. You know, there was nobody down there and um, you know It was really fun to you did an experiment with acid. Yeah at a young age No, no, no, it's crazy because I watched I watched the hbo sports last week and I wasn't aware of this That the numbers for football players are down What do you mean football across the country is down like the viewership? No, the

People getting kids getting involved with football because of tce and the interviewee the lady in mass And she put her son in when he was six And uh, can't do long vision. I had a double double concussion And then he went back to play football at the age of ten. He hung himself And they took the brain and he had cte already. So that got out So the numbers if you watch the super bowl, you saw that they have two commercials And they're including girls now in football

It was really weird that I that I saw that and the next night I watched this and where I'm getting at is like I thought about my friends that I grew up with And a lot of them played You know, my high school was based on football like New Jersey, Texas. Yeah, my high school was based on football Everything ran around the football program They took you when you were six and they pretty much taught you the plays you were going to learn in high school At that age. So you already knew them

By the time you played the pweas a and b You know, when I look at picked my friends put old pictures up of football and I see Jesus christ Like when I go home these two guys have known themselves since they were six Like I hang out with people that know themselves since they're six Sometimes I do shows and people come together And they'll be talking about pwea football. My point is I called one of my I spoke to one of my friends That his father was a football coach and he passed away right before my mom when we were talking about Football and we compared it to acid

Because those guys played football And I said to out of all the friends we had how many of them killed themselves we thought about it How many of us went you know, we also grew up in the 80s When cocaine I mean we got right so we went from doing acid And jumped right into the cocaine boat. But regardless of that I remember selling acid. So I was doing it every night. Like I was doing micro that acid Every night for a run there after my mother died. That was how I Got that pain away. It was by doing acid

And I sit back now and I think about if it gives you PTSD or something Like if acid affected you like getting hit in the head as a kid What do you think I don't I did it when I did it before I became a man in my growth So I'm still waiting for it. You know, when I was younger, I was afraid of hard drugs And then it wasn't until that period 1998 1999 when I was living in New York and then that's when I started doing uh, cocaine And then I and I was partying so much when I lived in New York City I actually moved to Amsterdam to bring it down a notch

You know what I'm saying? Uh, because I was pretty hell bent, you know Uh, mitch headberg was one of my best friends at that time. He was living at the chelsea hotel And you know, we were just just partying like crazy And then I started playing in europe and I you know met this dutch woman and fell in love and I moved there and uh And I and it's it's it's funny that it's true. I actually moved to Amsterdam to the tone The fucking tone it down. Let me think that's all hard. I was partying in New York. I was partying. Well, New York has So many different fucking things available to you. Yeah, and it's open

You know, where can you get a haircut at four in the morning? Yeah in New York City? We were just talking about this this week We live here in california and lea 11 o'clock sleepy factory town everything's Magnolia from here the flappers At 10 o'clock you could count the people on one fucking hand. Yeah, if that if you see somebody Burbank shuts down at eight o'clock I've I've done a hundred on magnolia when I lost my wallet

As I was getting in a car. I got I got home over here when we lived up the block I got my I got in front of the house and I realized my wallet was gone. I was leaving the next morning I got in that car into the hundred Down magnolia to flappers. I made the right and right where I parked You could see the wallet right in the street. Nobody had even it was just sitting there There's no action at all and then you go to new york And you fall asleep at eight o'clock and you wake up at midnight And the world's available to you right the world's of it, you know new york at new york is nothing

It really is nothing, you know, you do a midnight show somewhere It throws people off in new york they go out at midnight I went to 2am comedy show. Yeah, who the fuck goes wants to see comedy at two in the morning new york does Me too when I was an open miker. I saw it till four There was a place that didn't open mic till four Geez And there were a hundred people on the list Starting at what time 11. Oh my god

And people be coming in getting hand jobs, you know new york is that what but I went back a couple years ago And I stayed in the city and I couldn't sleep. It was one of those nights when I could not fall asleep an hour before a walk It's not like that no more It's calmed down a little bit. Yeah that crazy lifestyle of the 80 90 or It's calmed down. Those people get up and go to work in the morning. They go out But they home by 10 o'clock 10 30 They drink a beer or two two glasses of wine and they go home. It's not like When I was growing up in new york at three in the morning once the bar closed

What do you want to do? Let's go into the city And we would go into the city into the shittiest part by a grandma blow Go to a fucking bodega and they brown bagged the beers And we'd snuck coke on the street and fucking drink beers out of a brown bag like nothing Not even a cop would stop I remember uh, david tell used to take me to this bar. It was called cyberia

And it was in the subway entrance. I think it it was a right off a Broadway like on 54th 50 seconds. He knew all those fucking Jesus Christ This place was so it was like standing room only and only like eight people could fit in this bar It was like if you go down the subway steps And like and then the first level and then you get another step and it was just just like I don't know what the hell it used to be and it's not there anymore No, but it was like cd russians in there and um, you know some uh, it was always narcotics available and uh, you know It was a really really great like quintessential new york hole. I can't even get into

Like that was probably four bars. I went to before 1985 That was just narcotic bars The one gay bar I used to go to Was just a drug place. It was just a drug hate And when you'd walk in the door, you'd see shit. You'd never see, you know, you pay a little extra to go in for that That's when clubs were still You know 10 bucks to get in these places are like 25. You're like ouch Because you could put your grandma coke on the table

And nobody's gonna come and take it. Nobody's gonna come do a line. Everybody minds their own business And it was amazing to watch the fucking 80s and 90s in new york. Yeah and to see how freely cocaine flowed How easily people were just doing lines on bar tops Yeah, there was a bar in the wall street area that was open all night And there'd be these wall street guys in there and they're doing coke and drinking all night in their suits And like they wouldn't even go home. They just like, you know, sit there and

sniff and drink until You know it's time to go back in we've the little different it seems like I mean that there's dispensaries everywhere But it seems like people mostly smoke at home and then they'll go out high But I don't really occasionally you'll see someone smoking on the street, but not really on the street On the corral, you should go to you should go to more Comedy clubs in los angeles. The smell of weed is permeating everywhere. I guess. Yeah I'm just used to that that seems normal to me now. I worked san jose this weekend. How is that? I've never been It's a great club. It's a theater great city fucking comedy is booming that because gabriel sold 16 000 seats on sunday

You know, but that whole area is comedy driven like that whole area comedy Comedy is to a new high. I am fucking really impressed with comedy any club if there's 400 clubs in the country 362 of them are sold out on saturday nights. No matter who's there Wow, that's the need for comedy right now in these times That's how much people need to get away The entertain and even that's what all the entertainment value you have at home Because you can watch fucking murderers row on netflix. You can watch a thousand things on netflix Hulu, but that just lets you know how many people are going on saturday nights

Oh when when I was in brayer a couple weeks ago, was it brayer? Yeah, all those clubs are sold out brayer ontaria And they're getting there added shows and Irvine You know, it's like comedies of an all-time. I would tell you people need to laugh more So you're fucked up the world is right now show y'all fucked up the world is right now You know, you can't watch the news anymore The news is just a horrible. You just want to get into a bad mood You sit there looking at this and you know, it's all bullshit

They show you the same fucking report three days in a fucking row. I avoid it. I haven't watched the news You have to watch some sort of news to see what's going on in your community But if it brings you down, you're like enough with this shit already Like I always try to be home at 3 30 to watch world news tonight I watched the first 15 minutes and lately it's been cutting down to the first eight The first seven the first six minutes. That's it. It's the same shit every fucking day I read the news every morning when I wake up. What do you read? Uh, the

Washington Post is my home page and then I always look at the Guardian. Okay, which is uh, it's kind of left leaning leaning Uh, British newspaper, which is great Um, and the bbc. I really I I like the bbc Do you miss the newspaper coming to your door? Yeah, man, I like there's nothing like folding a newspaper and you know getting pissed off and smacking it against your leg and Uh, yeah, and I still I love newspapers, you know, it's um Uh, you know, new york times wall street journal wall street journal is a conservative paper But it's one of the best written papers. There are

Great articles in there You know, they always said that If you read the new york times for four years You would get more from reading the new york times every day for four years in the college education You would learn more if you read the new york times now. It's like a fucking You know a piece of paper if somebody fucking tickled your asshole 30 years ago, that's all they live for the new york times is to wrap people out now That's it. That's it to wrap people out. They don't even care about trump none every week. They're ratting somebody else

Last week it was fucking cake quickly. So boyfriend that fucking was it who the magician ryan whatever his name is adam's ryan adam's He's been oh the 16 year old girl. Oh the musician. I think he said magician. Yeah, and I love ryan adam's He's like a wizard or something like that in real life. He's like a wizard I love ryan adam's and I read that and I was like fuck. No, I don't feel The urge to listen to his music. Yeah, mandy moors. I'm Marry until they rat them out. Oh, no shit. Oh fuck. Yeah. Oh, no shit. Oh, yeah That's it. That's all man. I'm always married to him. He wears a cape He makes you go into a room naked and women go for this shit again. That's why you got to be a father to your daughter

Fucking magicians and shit and fucking go into a dark cave You know, he made cake go into a cave naked and she went for it. Jesus christ, kate I can sell you a fucking bridge Somebody tells me they were wizard you back. I met a girl one night. I was all horned up in some fucking town I think it was You meet these people on the road and you can't believe it When you walk out of a girl's apartment that you want to fuck and you know, she's your three quarters there What comedy is the only thing that like you get to know who's gonna stroke you from being on the road all those years

You just learned Like you just learned. That's it. You just learned you just know how to read people And in some crazy triple run, I went home with some chick And we were having a good time snort coke. She was showing me a titties She had the bikini on we were going deep into the murky waters And then she started talking about witchcraft And she wanted me to look in her drawer. She had all these spells for love and The voodoo man told that she was gonna meet me and I'm like, can I go out to the car and get something?

I took a rock and a coke and I fucking never came back. I'm gonna snort coke with some fucking witch a white witch That's a fucking a fucking what is a trust fund, bitch I swear to god, like I just walked out. I took a rock and coke if you didn't even see me take it out of the bag How did you do that? You have like eight stores if you just leave it You have to leave you cannot stop there's a point in the conversation even when you're doing coke Well, I just got freaked out Yeah, but say goodbye like I gotta go No, no, no, you can't say goodbye because then they're gonna give you a near beat and I'm why you're leaving till I scare you

I'm gonna put a spell on you. I don't want to hear none of that shit. I haven't done coke forever, man Those bullshit conversations. Oh my god All right, we're gonna get up at seven and we're gonna go kayaking like and then everybody's like, yeah, that's a great idea Everybody's talking so much shit And then you get we're gonna go and then we're gonna go to my grandmother's house and paint it And then you're all coped up in your dog. I remember getting on planes Getting so coped up and having a conversation and going fuck you. Let's go to Miami right now You ever do that one on coke just get on the plane. I I've I've been on I have been on I've been on uh airplanes on

almost every substance and the best way to fly Is sober. Yeah, I agree me too I mean all those years ago when I was like partying all night and you just go straight to the airport Oh, fuck. That's the worst. That's the worst or even drinking on the plane Like I took a Viking on the plane about two years ago horrible horrible fucking idea Edibles on a plane on a six-hour flight are not bad If the edible doesn't take you to a certain level I think it's different in first class than it is in coach. No, it's the same everywhere if you're in coach

You know And you eat an edible in your coach. Yeah, you get creeped out by the person next to you Like when we flew the San Jose The Indian woman of Indian women sat next to the agastina out of all the fucking roads. She sat she comes up to me She's my AC kid I mean, I could say she was losing her hair. She looked like a fucking bomb hit her And she's asleep in the agastina in the middle and I kept reaching make him believe I was reaching I

Can't believe I was reaching for a tip and the agastina was in the middle just fucking howling We were fucking howling if you fly with somebody I suggest you take edibles like we took edibles to new york Yeah, we took edibles a bunch of times and get on a plane You just can't get too fucked up like Ari said one time the door was locked And he was ready to get off the plane, but he knew he would get arrested On edibles on edibles it just creeped up on them when they closed the door The thing that you do that I don't like is Like I would get to his house at four in the morning

And we take the edible then But then like that well the one time I didn't like it was when we got on the on the bus to the plane And since we took the edible two hours ago I'm on a bus standing And it was like a family Whenever you go to austin or some of those cities out of lax american Yeah, you go to gate 50 if you ever have like 55 amb good night

That means you got to go downstairs and take that bus to a different airport all the way out in the middle of lax And they sell they have two stands in there you ever get stuck in there. It's a fucking nightmare That's where you float when you go into I think it's two cities. I've gone to oklahoma And austin you have to go out of gate whatever and they put you on a bus Which just after you flown Now you gotta get on a little bus to go back to out. You never did that one that round No, I've I've stuck to with delta for years. I saw it. No, I was and um, I yeah, we'll uh, I'm not happy with them We'll with delta either. Well, uh

So, you know, I'm getting divorced, you know that we haven't mentioned that on this episode yet. Um Hey, I'm getting divorced everybody. Uh, yeah, there's nothing like, uh, the person who knows you better than anyone else in the world Saying, uh, yeah, I've had enough. Thanks. I'll get off at the next stop But one of the reasons as you know that that that's the thing that kills every relationship for a comedian is the constant travel so, um You know, I got this new album and it's recorded in 25 different cities around the world And this was a big project I've been working on for two years. And so I've had all this international travel Two years in a row. I have been diamond level on delta. That's as high as you can go

So it's You have to fly 125,000 miles to reach diamond Which you know what it is not easy to to fly 125. That's that's sitting in the fucking seat 125,000 miles. It is really hard. I did it two years in a row And it's it's nice when you get to the diamond level And uh as a comedian who you know, you work your ass off. It's it's nice to have that little perk You know, you get to board with first class you get to use the the sky lounge when you fly so They changed the rules last year for 2018

On top of flying 125,000 miles. You had to spend $15,000 With the airline. So last year I flew 155,000 619 miles on delta. I went everywhere. I did like four trips to to to uh, Europe I went to israel I did like two trips to asia. I flew to fucking mongolia And I spent $13,000 with the airline. So I was just downgraded to platinum. Hey Fuck you delta

And i'm sitting there and you got to watch the screen with ed bastion The president of delta airlines sitting there We really appreciate the loyalty of our customers and all this shit and it's like man, it's difficult, you know, I mean It um, I wouldn't say that it, you know, it ended my marriage but you know me traveling was a big factor in uh, the relationship ending and then um, I I think delta Um, kind of fucked me

On on the downgrade. I mean, it's difficult to fly 125,000 miles period And then you got to spend 15,000 miles a mile When I look at flying I'm going in there knowing i'm getting fucked I play the game and I don't get stressed out about it Because there's nothing else you could do unless i'm gonna get in a horse and a fucking buggy Yeah, unless i'm gonna get in a horse and a buggy and travel or drive to new york and drive back It's the mafia

There's nothing you could do. I had a friend that lived in new work And would come out here with a train with eddie bravo constantly And he said one day united changed the rules on him and he had to stop Because he was getting upgrades and this and that but then it's about the money Yeah, they didn't do about miles no more. It's certain amount of fucking money I'm like I fly with american all the time Am I crazy about him? No No, i'm not but what are my choices when I get a date

The first thing I do is go to three different screens You know, I know by from doing comedy for 20 years You know who flies where you know, you already know or you travel velocity and it tells you direct flights or whatever And then you go and attack. I go to american first. I go to delta United's my third If i'm going east coast, it's jet blue If i'm going coast to coast I go jet blue whether boston florida or new york, there's no other airline I fly with throughout the country it's

basically about money and time I'll pay extra if you get me out of that five in the fucking morning I learned that from you take the early flight out early flight in Early flight out early flight in so you don't get caught in the rain of confusion. Look at thursday Thursday rained here like you thought the devil landed You thought the devil landed at one time So they canceled my 11 o'clock

And they canceled the tool of the 12 o'clock to san jose, thank god they got one every hour on the fucking hour But here's the beauty of it I knew I was gonna get canceled. You know why because my flight was at 12 On thursday, I didn't check in wednesday night till 10. You know what number I was two I was a two on southwest business select because they upgrade you automatically. I'm like uh 18 whatever on southwest. I love southwest by the way Southwest starting june burbank to nashville like a motherfucker That means I fucking save thousands by fucking on my wife and my daughter going to nashville. Am I right?

Direct wow And my wife doesn't have to drive an hour down with the baby. That means the baby doesn't get caught sick We save on the car sickness Perfect, perfect burbank direct. It's beautiful. Burbank's opening up more fucking routes. You don't know how hard that dick makes me I love it Finding a lot of burbank is the way to go I gotta I gotta find a new place to live. Maybe I'll live over in burbank or glendale or something Where are you living now?

Uh, west hollywood. So I fly out lax when do you and hey, but while it's still in my mind You know what these airlines are doing and delta is spearheading it is Uh, and like you're right. It is all about money now. They're doing tiered economy So there's different levels of the economy for you know every Any thing you have to pay for oh, yeah, you know they get you window fucking everything It's like how fucking greedy can these people have now you're sitting in the back with the fucking guys that are getting transported for murder and 12 kids and fucking uh, texas You're next to a guy that shackled they put you in the back

Well, didn't they make billions off of baggage fees? Wasn't that yeah, and that was because um The fuel costs went up after september 11th And then they said yeah as a temporary measure we're gonna charge for bags And then of course you knew that it was never gonna go away But that was just like a You know, they're laughing all the way to the bank. They're like no it's a it's a scam It's a sad you know when I got on a plane When I look at plane prices again

I don't think about me. I think about the family before Right, I think about the family before to go anywhere Jesus these plane tickets are a nickel a piece and that's base That's base, you know I'm saying unless like right now you flew into town in a good part of the year from Florida like it's good Would you pay 340? Yeah, and that's a fucking sale of a lifetime. No worries You know, it's like I kept yeah, but like a motherfucker. It's like I kept saying when I saw it pre PSA I go It's not gonna stop there It's not gonna stop there What do you mean the pre check like the pro all the different now they got clear

Yeah, so now they're gonna keep going up and everything cost They realized there's a market for you, you know If not, you gotta stand on line for two fucking hours if you don't get the express check through I don't want to wait after I did six shows at a fucking town and slept five hours a night and talked to 3 000 people Guess what sunday? I don't have time to fuck around I just want to get through that fucking airport and get the fuck home. That's all I'm thinking about Once they put a check in my hand on saturday night. That's all I'm fucking thinking about but I've already There's you got to pick your battles. That's what I'm about to say

You got to pick your battles when you travel and that's one of the battles. I've accepted I look at the plane ticket. I look at the prices. I try to save a little bit My wife came to me the other day And she goes I was gonna take a flight to Nashville My wife wanted to go back in june The tickets are fucking five hundred and forty nine dollars base Yeah, it's all going up. You know what first class is to Nashville guys 1900 dollars well

I get upgraded to Nashville On american I won't get upgraded to chicago new york. You learn all the scams. Yeah, canady. You'll never get upgraded That's silver and platinum people. That's diamond people. You're dead But nashville, oklahoma on american I get upgraded all those places. I get upgraded Well, I used to spread it around, you know And I I used to always like try and get the cheapest ticket and then about five or six years ago I decided i'm only gonna fly with delta. I'll pay the extra 50 extra hundred bucks 150 bucks just so I can build up the miles and then get as high as I can on the on the status thing

So that's why it's um, you know, I for for for years I've been paying the extra money just so I could be loyal to to delta and you know What did it get me? No, it doesn't get you anything anymore. No once they went to the money thing I knew it like I'm fucking I only take, you know, 18 19 flights a year. I don't travel my ass off like you do Yeah And I look at every flight when I get a call I look at every flight first before I agree to a gig Make sure somebody's got an early flight out of there

So make sure some motherfuckers got an early flight. Yeah, well, I'm actually and that's kind of changed my whole I'm I'm dialing in the travel back this year. I'm only gonna do a couple of international trips And I'm I'm gonna focus on on LA. It's like, you know, um The just traveling constantly, you know to endless fucking loop Back to your divorce. Yeah, I'm sure how long were you with her for? 10 years married for seven Yeah I remember when I first met her with you and she was very gung-ho about the comedy

Yeah, oh, she loved it. She used to go with me to she used to travel with me everywhere. She used to go To shows with me every night. Oh pseudo manager. Yeah, it's it helped me with everything. I went to your house She liked the producer of the podcast. She was yeah, she edited it. She was exactly she and it's rough on a woman To be married to a comic. Yeah, if you survey most comics They've been divorced since there you know I went through two women in the beginning of my comedy career That they could not handle the lifestyle. It's too but when you love something the way we love something

They're always number two Yeah, they're all for you to be successful at comedy They have to be number two and it's a tough. Yeah, and it's it's a I've I've put comedy above everything in my life And I would have to say that comedy is the love of my life. It's the love of your life because I yeah, I made comedy The priority over her over everything I've ever done in my life And uh, I mean, I don't regret it. I I fucking love comedy from 93 To 2000 Sex

Comedy had priority over everything 2007 was when I started loosening up a little bit I dated this poor girl. I'm married to for six years before I met her parents Why waste anybody's time? Let's let's make sure I'm sick and tired of meeting parents You know what I'm saying? Sick and tired of meeting parents. I did it the right way with this one With Terry my wife now I did it the right way because I had blown not marriages The marriage was me starting comedy and that's not getting along. That was a complete different story

I I tormented my ex-wife in different ways. My my wife just couldn't Take the day-to-day hand-to-mouth type lifestyle. I was living with the drugs the I'm talking about two relationships. I had one relationship But I really liked her and she really liked me and we got along She liked the comedy But then she moved to new york. I moved to new york You know, she was into going out and meeting her friends after work to happy hour

And I got an open mic at seven Yeah, you know, I'm driving a limo to pay child support and to make ends meet And you want to meet your friends to drink water and giggle like on that because that's when friends was around So everybody started hanging out like friends now six of my groups So she was just out of kansas and I saw what it did there. They can't they can't deal with it You know, they can't you were supposed to be an hour. I'm waiting online Oh, I mean even when you live with even when you live with a comedian. It's a long distance relationship It's a long distance way, you know, and like we were talking about before we went on air

You know, I got to be on the road a couple weeks a month just to you know, pay the rent and get the lights on But then when I'm home I'm doing sets at the comedy store and the improv every night. So it's like, you know, even when I'm home I'm not like I live when you're home, you know, and you know, you can't really plan it Like how often do you get gigs like for that night or the next day or you don't have a life You do not have a wife from two from 93 To 2006 I did not have a life. I didn't give a fuck about christmas. I didn't give a fuck about nothing

That was the only mental state you could have to to get somewhere in comedy 96 97 I didn't watch fucking television from 93 to 99 I didn't know what a television show was Because you what kind of comic watches television if you watch television, you're not a comic Yeah, if you're watching tv shows at night, you're not really a comic I don't know what you're talking about. You got to be out seven nights a week grinding

I didn't even know what a baseball game was. I didn't give a fuck about who was in the super bowl Nothing, that's the state of mind. I see these kind of that's the state of mind some young comics in la and the Their sets will be about like television shows. And did you see this reality show? And I have no idea I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even want my mind to go there. I don't even know what you're talking about You know, there was a time where I was just a fucking monster And then I moved here with a girl And she had a big family

And every fucking two months they thought like, oh, yeah, we'll come out for a week. That's great We planned the dinner. I'm not going to that fucking dinner because I got a spot at 9 30. I'm trying to make a living You know, that was hard to live with that's how tough And once a woman realizes she's number two you're fucking done And then let's say you do get married to this woman You have a child and now you really have to go on the road How much time are you gonna be home if you gotta go on the road three weeks a month to keep the lights on you got a kid So now you're calling your wife and fucking Mazatlan

With tom rose going in the back going i'm in Mazatlan. We're having a great time I bumped into the flying jew and she's with a kid crying in the background How long does that last in the beginning? It's great date in the comic. He's so much fun. Oh my god We giggle we walk through the comedy store like good fellas. We walk around back Oh my god, it's so much fun. He knows everybody and give it a fucking year So you're sitting there by yourself on new year's eve because we're in bokeh return Because I don't want to bring nobody with me on the road. Yeah, that was the mistake I made with the first two

That I did not even go into with terry That was not an option I took around one date to fucking What's that hell hole in arizona with white like have a suit like have a suit where you go on the water and you get chlamydia Who gets chlamydia the fucking lake? You get foot foot fungus at fucking lake have a suit. It's the filthiest fucking people you ever met your life I took her there one time on a gig because she was gonna she wanted to drive I was gonna rent the car and she goes i'll drive

But that was it. I cut her off from going to gigs. I think I think that's why my relationship with my life My wife lasted so long was because she did travel with me You know, she was a photographer And uh, and and it was great. I you know, we'd go to Travel in the world, you know, I used to when I didn't live anywhere like three months three four months a year I'd do in europe do a montanasia montan australia Uh, and she used to travel with me everywhere when we first started getting serious when we were dating I told her I said if you want to be with me you got to reduce your life to one checked bag and two carry-ons

And she did it and it was great and then a year ago. She decided she didn't want to travel anymore And then that was the beginning of the end You miss her I do. Yeah, I love her and it was not my choice At least you have no hatred in your heart. You look good. Thanks. Yeah, it's I don't and there's no bad feelings She doesn't have any bad feelings. It wasn't like some catastrophe happened. It was just like, um, you know I Her decision that things would be better if we were Apart, so these are one of the things in life. This is part of being a fucking grown-up probably it's interesting, ma'am

that's it's great that you say that because um penny marshal died I think in december and I was reading her Uh obituary I think it was in the new york times And there was a quote It was they quoted the opening paragraph of her autobiography And I don't remember it exactly but it said Something like this her opening paragraph, uh for autobiography said, uh, I've been divorced twice I battled cancer. I had cancer and I had a child commit suicide

Something like that and she said nothing Extraordinary has ever happened to me in my life It's just normal things that happen to a human being so you're absolutely right like divorce People you love dying Just things happen in life as you get older that you just fucking have to weather and move on You know, somebody hit me up last night and said are you having a hard day? over Ralphie may you know

You're right over there. All right, so you're snoring. Was he snoring? I don't know. Yeah, I heard snoring this shit Ha ha ha Yesterday was Ralphie May's birthday. Oh Most people would be crying and having a bad day. I thought about him. He inspired me yesterday You know, like I just thought about him for five minutes. I go. What a fucking shame In fact, I got to call the smash brothers today because I'm chipping in money to get on my headstone Nobody got the fucking get a headstone. Wow. I just found this out on thursday I was fucking nuclear

I went fucking ballistic. I called Ari. So we're gonna get a headstone. Where's he buried? He's buried in oklahoma and thank god for the smash brothers. Uh, korean chad I want to thank them for bringing it to my attention, you know, meanwhile People are out collecting money to make fucking his last video and selling his memorabilia But nobody had the fucking decency to buy that fucking get a headstone, you know, well, so that's what I was sick about yesterday to be honest for everybody Uh, but besides that, what are we talking about? I'm sorry I if you were upset because it was his birthday. Yeah, I wasn't really upset. He inspired me, you know Most americans, it's how you look at things

I could have called lee could have called me us and they say what's up and I could have yelled at lee and said Don't you know, I'm having a fucking bad day. My best friend died to you, you know This is just a part of growing up. This is just part of the fucking every day. You're a fireman. You ever see a fireman's hat? I have an imaginary fireman's hat on at all times And so do guys like you and if you plan on having a comedy or having life and And moving on with your life, you have to have a fireman's cap The fireman's cap is shaped the way it is. So things hit it and bounce off and they don't hit you in the back Have you seen that low cut in the back? Yeah, the big flap on the that's what life is

Look at your life. Go put a go look at yourself in the mirror and put a fireman's hat on and get ready Get ready be prepared. Shit does go down. People do get cancer People do die cats do die, you know, kids are born without a fucking eyeball You know, these are the things and we all live and we we learn how to live with them and we move the fuck on It's so weird You get used to get easier the more happens, you know, I look at these one of the Greatest lessons I ever learned one of the toughest things I ever ever ever saw in my life

That just took me to the next level as a man was when Eric Clapton's kid Fell out the fucking window in new york And he went just some MTV awards and dedicated a song to him and sang it and kept it together I'm not even I don't even know fucking Eric Clapton and I can't keep it together knowing that Your little kid fell out of a fucking window in new york He went out and wrote that if I saw if I saw oh my god And he didn't shed a tear. He didn't break down. They shook his hand He hugged people and I'm like that's a lesson that

You know shit happens And what is Eric Clapton gonna do going to an apartment and right and do heroin? No He went and tackled it fucking on. What's that fucking white dude that showed his dick To america and everybody got mad at him that one that he won four or 15 super balls But far that motherfucker they told him at halftime his father died and he drew four touchdowns You know, I want that guy. That's the motherfucker. I want to hang out with his father died And he went that's the best day of his life Look at his fucking numbers. Yeah, they told his dad right before the right before the game

We're sorry to tell you the father died They couldn't even wait that fucking white savage that he is you see that guy you just suck his dick If I was him I'd send you pictures of my dick to and you accept them. You understand me You don't say a word. I do four touchdowns in a day. My father died on monday. I football was something He passed for 400 yards and four touchdowns You said he showed his dick to america. What was that? He texted a Worker for the jets when he was he was the original louis ck. He was the original louis ck He would just send out pictures of his dick. I do four touchdowns

Bitch if I was tom brady, I had six rings Everybody would see what my dick was like I'd have a picture of my dick with a ring on it going How you like that? I'd make a picture of my dick with and show that to kaperna kick whatever his fucking name is keep kneeling, bitch Look at me. I got six rings on this white dick. I got more metal than dick. You know what I'm saying? You can't if you put all those rings on his dick, you know You have more dick you can see rings. It's like a high school graduation photo. You want everybody to put their rings together?

Like I said to my jeff bezos richest man in the world Showing his dick. Can you imagine 70 billion dollars he has to get payback now bezos? I'm pretty sure isn't that the number 70 million something. Yeah. Yeah, he's got a boy 140 He's got to split it with his And then it was the wife's brother or the no the mistress's brother who sent it the text That's a weird love for pussy 70 million for a piece of pussy. That's expensive. That means i'm killing that bitch at one point or another

That means I could just dispose of the body. She belongs to me 70 million dollars Huh billion billion billion Oh My god, that's right. I'm gonna run to the little comedians room. Okay. Don't knock yourself out Like this is a fucking like I got a choice. You know, that's what happens when you're 50 That little bladder turns into a little girly bladder and shit And you got to pee every hour in the fucking hour. How was San Jose this weekend? San Jose was tremendous I want to thank all the people who came out to the show six show sold out shows

Did they open the top like a really cool party? Oh, yeah, they opened everything everything they had chairs out there Fucking san jose came out representing strong. Thank you very much for a great weekend Uh, you know, genica jones came they fucking brought Uh, uh tremendous banana bread walnuts in it and I ate them and passed out I'm the only guy that could eat an edible like to eat Like I brought him back to the room. She made two of each But she made some with these fucking walnuts on it And I was sitting there watching an old episode of fucking the sopranos eating that shit

With some water at night. It was tremendous Yeah, we've been here and you've gotten the munchies needing more edibles because you've gotten the munchies Yeah, I've gotten the munchies needing more edibles The good thing about your situation is that there's no children involved. There's no 70 billion houses for me or jeff bezos Yeah, well, it's funny. You talk about splitting the money in a divorce and I thought oh, that's a good time to step out Oh my god Uh, yeah, no kids no, uh house Oh, that's good. But that's that's that's great that you asked me point blank. Do I miss her?

You know, I mean she was my best friend. So and now I don't have My best friend. So it's kind of fucked up It's like a weird grieving period after because I had the same thing. Listen. She was my best friend for six years or at least I tried to make it that it was six bad years for her, you know, she had to go to a prison and visit somebody and stuff I put it through a lot, you know, so I understand now at this age what she went through and the reason why You know, she didn't want to go into the future with me. You know, they can't count on us. Yeah You know, one thing when I started Dayton the wife I have now

Is I did different things differently, you know, and if I told I'm gonna do some I'd do it, you know, uh, you got to work at marriage Especially when you're a comic You know, I've been here for 20 years. I read all about the divorce You know, the thing I dread the most is these guys that After 35 years of marriage, they got divorced. Jesus christ If I divorce my wife now I couldn't function

Yeah, well, I mean that's the that's the tough thing 20 years with just my wife now Yeah, I couldn't function my wife does everything. Well, my wife did everything for me She helped me with social media. She helped me with fucking everything. I do my own work But my wife does everything else like everything is prepared for me. Everything is fine, you know She knows I'm trying to eat better. She cooks a little better. I'm my wife You know, now that she's a mom. She's really, you know, the role but I work hard at it, you know, there's temptations I have not sexually or nothing Uh, work wise and things I'd like to do that I have to think about us as a family. Yeah and go

I'm already gone six days a week How can I go to my wife and tell her I want to go to Vegas to watch this? When you know, so I work at things like that, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know you and you you know, you always I stick to it. You're very protective of your time with your family You have to really respect when I wasn't I didn't have a family Yeah, but like what you were talking about before about like work and holidays and shit like that Which is I did a lot. We did we had a lot of thanks givings I would go work in vancouver because it ain't Thanksgiving up there in this boom. Like there's another check I can get

But um, I and from where I'm sitting I think as a comedian you can't let too many Big days or holidays slip by without you being there and them sitting by themselves in your los angeles apartment That's you know, even though they say yeah, go get that money. Yeah, that's fine. Yes Because I asked her permission for everything, you know, hey, you mind if I go to vancouver and work for Thanksgiving and then You know, it's uh, it sounds great until it happens Is she working now and stuff? No, she's still not working. No, you know, it's weird. I I fucked up so many relationships two of them that I really liked And a lot of variables were involved. Don't just blame it on the company. There was the coke and the fucking

Yeah, this time I wanted to do it right and I try to do it as right as I can To the tea, you know, we're all flesh is weak. We make mistakes But I really tried to I've lived in an empty house I know, you know, there's a line at the uh At the end of dogs by pink floyd It's a brilliant line, you know Who was brought up in a house full of pain who was taught not to spit in the fan Who was told what to do by the man, you know, like something about coming home to an empty house

Even though there's family in the house, I know what that feels like I had at my house before my parents split and I had it What before I got divorced there's a feeling in your house And that feeling I never wanted that feeling again so Once I had mercy to be honest with you I I I started trying to do better when I was dating her That's when I stopped with the Sundays on the road little things to have a family

You have to eat dinner with the family on Sunday. It's the Lord's Day When I was growing up, that's all I ever wanted and all my white friends did it And on Sundays at my house, it was what's called them by you, you know, the by you is Fucking people all over the house watching baseball drinking beers. I didn't like that I believe the sunday is your family after you eat dinner you watch The wild kingdom and then disney remember the disney at eight o'clock. What was on before that when we were growing up The animal kingdom with that dude the husky dude with the fucking voice So sundays at six eight seven was come on guys wild king somebody I remember

And then an eight o'clock was the wonderful world of disney on mbc Yeah, that was that was what america was built on and also those valleys were not the window They started putting football on at nine o'clock at eight o'clock and that chubby guy that played with tigers and shit That was what america was about. We forgot all about that. We threw that away. I understand The need for americans to work on a sunday I worked plenty of fucking sundays when I was single and there's people that have families that still have to work on sundays To support those families But for me to make it work with her to make her feel normal. I had to be home on sundays

So at least no matter what happened throughout the week sundays We stared at each other and ate family as a dinner. I ate dinner as a family That's big in my world So that was what I first cut out and it drove people crazy. It drove rogan crazy It drove everybody crazy. Comey clubs would tell me I couldn't work there if I couldn't work sunday fine Fine, I just will not I made those little cuts for my wife I looked at other comics that were successful and I would see it All of a sudden they would start to get divorces or get separated. That's the fucking reason why

A woman gets married for one thing Security not that we have to support them. No woman is looking for some guy to support them. Even though there's some dirty bitches out there Every woman wants to hold her own but At the same time our schedules are so fucking You know, we're horrors We're horrors. I could look you in the face and go i'm in the whole month of march And then march 17th bumped to you in dallas and the connecting flight and you go, I thought you were home, bro

Dallas called this club. Yeah in this club called who whores. I had to stop being a whore I had to stop being a whore and becoming a comedian You know, but that's for me. That's what makes it work For me, you've always been a nomad Since i've known you you've always been a nomad. That's why when you first came to me and said you were getting married I looked at you and said You You're getting married

You're a fucking nomad. You were going on You were going to europe when nobody else was going here. Yeah, you've been doing this shit for 20 years In fact, I heard golden earring today Twilight zone that I thought about your show and i've been driving on i'm i have had on the way on the show I was thinking about you this morning. You were already doing the europe thing when these fucking idiots were still doing improv So You've always been a nomad. That's why when you said you were married. I wished you luck But you're a fucking savage

You're the last of the fucking savages from the 80s. There's nobody else doing what you're doing anymore Like if she had asked you To only do america and do thursday through saturday, like would you've been happy living like that? Well, you know, it's funny like now after the nuclear fallout of the breakup. I think oh, okay I'll give that a try but no I was too hard headed to Give it up and then also I was driven by this Project of this this album like but but but you enjoyed traveling and you said you're cutting it down next year But you're still doing in a europe tour in asia tour like you enjoy traveling

So like you wouldn't want to give it up probably I like it. I like having I like having comedy friends all over the world comedian friends. I like knowing you know, um comedians in every country or great friends of mine and uh I like this skill and intelligence that it takes to be able to Crush in different countries like you're in ireland one week and then you're in england the next week. It's It's different the audience is and then you go to france or holland or

You know japan or mongolia. It's uh, I mean it's different like chicago is different from atlanta and san francisco is different than You know phoenix, you know, um, it's it's an adrenaline rush that I get off on to be able to Go to these different places and then also like the the new album um I really worked my ass off on Like there's a lot of you know, it's it's I recorded it in 25 different cities around the world It comes out, uh, this this airs

Yeah, so it comes out when you're hearing this worry 19. Yeah, the album is out now. It's called around the world Starts in paris ends in jerusalem So, you know, there's a lot of cities like paris and amsterdam that I have Long history with that i've got Stories about and and great jokes about because i've been doing the international circuits for for 20 years But then there was other places i went Like berlin and oslo and stockholm and israel where like I made it these writing projects to to write a hunk of material

You know at least five minutes Of new material on that place that I was going to so in the last two years making this album. I really um You know i'm just just reading books about The the shit that interests me most about these different countries and then googling interesting facts and uh I think this album is the best thing i've ever done. Let me ask you this when you it's called around the world And I see 40 tracks here now

Are there going to be 40 tracks on the album? That's the that's that that's the tracks of the album and paris one is lasting how many minutes? uh I think it's It's like four minutes. Maybe three and a half. Okay. Okay. I thought you were giving us The whole show no and then put it on one package. No, the album is i don't even know where half of these places are This is like a Japanese fucking episode for me the out the auto. I don't even know a point. I don't pour it out Portugal that's important. Oh, okay. I thought you played portals. He had like portals in burbank and glendale I I don't know about it. The album is three hours long. Where's gallway?

ireland Belfast ireland london berlin zuri check them for fucking nazi information Stockholm vancouver sydney Bangkok almost drowning in thailand. You almost drowned in thailand. Yeah, you never heard that story No, I almost drowned in fucking time Uh 2004 I had uh when I was doing the After the late night talk show in amsterdam the same network. Let me be a presenter on a travel show So I got to do uh a highlight on st. Petersburg russia on peru the champagne region of france and uh

Do you want to hear the story? Yeah? I mean it's on the album the uh so I was doing uh I was doing this stand-up comedy tour in asia. I did um Hong Kong and Bangkok and I had two weeks off before I had to go to tokyo So my dutch travel show boss said that if I got certified diving while I was in thailand On my next assignment. He would send me to the dutch caribbean and then we could film some underwater shit in the caribbean So I flew from Bangkok to puke it

And I took a boat for three hours to the pp islands And I went to co pp And I stayed on this french resort and my diving instructor Was this tattooed criminal scumbag from mont pilier france named philippe And you could smell the cocaine criminal past on this fucking guy I mean that was a reason why he was hiding out in the islands in thailand He had all these homemade jailhouse tattoos on his arm He had a little rat ponytail and he had a mustard yellow speedo that matched his mustard yellow teeth

And anybody who's ever gone diving you have to study a book For like a week before you're ever allowed to get into the water I did not have to look at this book for one second I sat with a very hungover philippe on the morning of my first dive and he went through the hand signals with me This means I cannot breath This means I have a love of air A love of air. Okay. I'm underwater oxygen is precious. Okay. I love air Took me three days to figure out that this means you are low of air

So, um, my diving class was very small. It was a british couple from london mark and mara and i'm still very good friends with them because of what happens in this story And my diving buddy when you go diving you're matched with a buddy for safety You have to constantly be checking on your buddy. Are you okay, buddy? I'm okay, buddy So Yeah, so I was uh, it's a blind one. I I I I I I had been dumped by the the dutch woman that I moved to amsterdam for it's a recurring theme in my life, uh

I've been left more times than pizza crust So, uh, anyway, so I was I was freshly single and heartbroken at the time And my diving buddy was this beautiful french woman from bordeaux france named hilline And hilline worked at the ticket counter for air france at bordeaux international airport And I fell instantly in love with her how perfect we met while diving in thailand I'm imagining my future life living in bordeaux I'd get a job smashing grapes with my feet I'd pick her up at the end of the day at bordeaux international airport

And we'd drive our shaggy dogs out to the coast and throw tennis balls for the dogs that chase and make love in the sand Doings at the sunset well hilline spoke minimal english and I speak minimal french and philippe Also had a crush on this woman So his underwater flirting was outrageous Every day he'd push me aside and take her and show her pretty plankton and whatever and i'm by myself. Blub blub blub So a lot of men do this When there's a rival for their affection he becomes the silverback gorilla

And he feels the need to loudly insult me in front of the group every chance that he gets so We all said what we did for a living. I said I worked on this television show. So he keeps calling me mr. Television Is this good enough for you mr. Television? You must learn ze buoyancy mr. Television. You will not get your diving certificate until you learn ze buoyancy Boyancy is the perfect balance of perfect measures When you go diving you have an air vest and there's two buttons one increases the air the other one decreases the air Professional divers and the tanks on the on your vest are the best professional divers are always perfectly horizontal

They never use their hands Except for this really cooly just go pshh While amateurs flare their arms and that's what I keep doing and it keeps yelling at me over the buoyancy So every day we would have lunch on these beautiful islands on these little alcove beaches and One day helene was pulling her bikini bottom out of her ass crack And I asked mark to ask her if she was going to the movies. She says why I say because I saw you picking your seat It's a children's joke in the united states. She had never heard it before she thinks it's the funniest joke ever

She's bent over laughing And I look at philippe and he's fucking our daggers at me, man He's so pissed off that I scored a point with this woman So on the morning that I almost died He was being a real dick to me And we're in the boat and we're driving out to our diving spot And he's yelling at me over some stupid shit And I I said hey philippe, um

I don't know what I did to make you dislike me brother But I got to be honest with you, man You're making me feel uncomfortable And I have to trust you down there And he goes oh mr. American Have I hurt your feelings? Maybe the al-qaeda has asked me to leave your body in the ocean today And that's what mark stands up in the boat and goes you are out of order, sir

And then they got into each other's faces and then they almost fought and it was like an hour before this explosive situation Finally died down and we all got to go diving And in retrospect it was russian roulette with the bad tank And I got the bad one. Did he give it to me on purpose? We will never know because when we were diet when we're driving out to the spot It was announced that one person couldn't go diving because one of the tanks was bad And then the Thai boat captain like hit it with a shoe or something While this argument was going on and then it was decided we could all go diving

So just like every other day we get down there. He pushes me aside. He takes her he's showing her shit I'm by myself. Blub blub blub blub And then I start breathing in water And your lungs don't want water It's day three. I know how to work the equipment There's a button in front of your mouth if you get water in your mouth you hit the button and Shoots out the side. It's not working. I get my spare respirator the octopus as they call it It's the same thing. It's water your lungs don't want water and I look up and it's like

40 50 feet It's not that deep but it's deep enough to be dangerous and I know you can never shoot straight up to the top and diving That's how people get really injured So I look at Philippe and I don't know he's like 20 30 feet from me And I swam to this fucking guy as quick as I could and I actually came in a little above him And I had to whip him around by his ponytail to get his attention And who would have thought I ever would have gotten to use the I cannot breathe signal

And then he really seemed to take his slow sweet time getting me that spare respirator And by the time it got to my mouth I had held my breath for so long I can't even recreate the sound that came out of me. It was the sound of someone dying and it came out of me And I'm just taking in all this water And I'm gasping on this fucking thing, but I can feel him moving me upwards And I survived Barely got to the fucking I never thought we'd reach the surface I'm and I actually thought this is the last moment of my life watching bubbles go in front of this french fuck's face

But I survived and I had to wait on the boat while everyone else finished their dive And I'm sitting there and the tide boat captain was fishing and he caught a fish And he pulled it up onto the boat and the fish was flopping around and I felt so bad for that fish because that was me just a minute ago And then so we go back to the island and I sat on the beach and I watched the sunset And to be honest with you, it was a very mediocre sunset I was really hazy and overcast that day, but it was the greatest sunset I've ever seen in my life There's nothing like almost dying to make you really appreciate living

So then philippe walks up and then he invited me into the little village to have a beer And I know he was trying to cover his ass, but you know, he made an effort He showed me a picture of the wife and child. He had abandoned in france And I told him I said philippe. I want you to know today. I learned the true meaning of buoyancy Because this morning when you said that shit about al-qaeda, I hated your guts and I wanted you to die And then you saved my life and then all is forgiven. That's the perfect balance of perfect measures Then I go back to the resort and helene was sitting at the tiki bar by herself So I went over and I tried to make small talk with her and I go

So what's the first thing you're going to do when you get back to bordell and she goes make love to my boyfriend See you got dick with dick. So, uh, what's the second thing you're going to do? There is no second thing So be careful who you almost die for because they might not give a fuck They don't You're gonna go, uh scuba diving anytime Joey and now you know, I almost drowned in pee pee Yeah, that's my biggest fear is drowning somewhere. I almost drowned when I was six at coney island And it was a fucking scary thing. I never swam again for about a year and a half

Yeah, I jumped back on the whole Why I go I actually went back the next day and I knew if I didn't go back the next day Yeah, the field I would never do it again in my life And I had to go back one more day To get certified diving. So like my little class all got their certificate And then the next day was these professional divers who wanted to go Look at sharks and caves Fucking last thing in the world. I wanted to do

So these lunatics we go down to some different area where there was these sleeping sharks and caves And they're all sticking their heads in it and shit and I'm just like, you know I just want to get certified so I could go to the fucking Caribbean, you know So, uh, so I ended up getting certified and then I I got to go To curacao in aruba and then we filmed and it was actually on my birthday. But uh, um, I got to swim through a shipwreck Uh off the coast of curacao and we had underwater cameras And they filmed me swimming through this fish this shipwreck. It was pretty fucking cool

You've had an interesting life. I've had an interesting life. Yeah, and all brought to you by comedy Everything's been the catalyst. Every comedy's brought me everything. How many years now you've been doing comedy? Thank you for asking February 4th 35 years Wow started when I was 17 and I just turned 52 So 30 regrets if you had to do it over again, I you know, I mean, you know, just uh, uh, the There's only there's only Two things I regret in my life. I wish I would have done some things differently with my wife Obviously, you know, I miss her still lover

And uh, you know, I don't know if I'll ever get that close to someone ever again But uh, the only other thing I regret is I opened for james brown in 1996 He's one of my all-time heroes in life and I still play the fuck out of james brown constantly and I had the chance to Uh go backstage and meet him after the concert and I didn't meet him because uh, you know when you're young and you're idealistic and you think all kinds of stupid crazy shit, I thought Uh, I wanted to preserve my image of the young virile james brown that I had it But I had just watched his concert and he was in his 60s. He was still great

He had a lime green jumpsuit on and he was still doing splits and shit and But I didn't want to medium because I I I didn't want to tamper with I've met so many heroes that disappointed me and I didn't want to I that's how sacred james brown Is and was to me. I didn't want to tamper with my image of how did they disappoint you in which way? I mean just like, you know, I didn't be an arrogant or blowing you off like I remember being younger meeting famous comedians and You know, all they cared about after the show was you know, meeting some young women and get away from me kid It's really disappointing takes like a day to at least for me So I didn't want to take the chance with jane brown like actually me. Maybe I go backstage and

You know, he's in his underwear some old man. He's got his wig on a hanger and You know, I accidentally see through his p-hole and see some weird old guy shriveled up dick. You know, I don't know It was stupid, but you know It's just a weird shit you think when you're a kid like no, man. He means so much to me. I just you know It was just an honor to open for him and it was I will have that forever And I opened for ray charles once too, uh in 1998 but um But it's stupid. That's the that's probably one of the only ruts that I have is that I wish I'd have met james brown When I had the chance I think about all my relationships from time to time

I think about all the way back to the eighth grade How I dumped that poor girl because the mother died Some girl I was dating. Jesus. I was dating. I'm like, I didn't know she I played basketball. She was a cheerleader I liked it. But when we were kids, you know, we meet for pizza We doubled date with another basketball player. It wasn't even like sexual I'd suck a titties behind the church that type of shit And one day finally that's why churches were built. Oh my god. She's like come over to fucking house And I went over there and she's like, uh

I go, what time does your dad come home? She's like five. I go, what time's your mom getting home? She goes, my mom died. I just freaked I just fucking freaked I was like, you know, I didn't freak in front of her. I just Kind of shocked inside and on the bus ride going, oh What do you have to do for your mom to die? Like what the fuck did you do? I couldn't even fathom it when I started dating another girl and I broke up with him And when my mom died and I found that that's the first person I thought of, you know

And she's on facebook now and I was like reaching out and saying hello, but I don't have the heart Probably fucking oh, it's interesting, man. I had that, you know, my my my father died in 2009 and then my little sister died in 2011 and then my uncle died last year and It hit me. I had this epiphany last year After my uncle died that that's why young people are all so happy Because everybody they love is still alive

You haven't let you know had people snatched from you. I mean, you didn't know how to fucking deal with it You're young You know the concept of death even as an old person everybody's afraid of it because nobody knows what it is You know how you're gonna deal with A concept you can't even comprehend when you're young The funny thing is the kid that made me when I was a kid the kid who Put me in a better position died when he was in the eighth grade I was playing basketball with him until about six thirty his mother called him for dinner

He asked me you're coming. Oh my god. No, I'm gonna go home tonight. I went home He went home And the next day in the eighth grade when I went to school They said he got into a car accident with his brother and he was in a coma and stuff like that You were supposed to be in that car. No, not at all. No, not at all It's funny that uh I still think about him and

It's weird that now looking back We didn't know how to how to react to his death in the eighth grade. Yeah But looking back Months after that You could see our behavior changed like looking back. I've been writing about it lately How we moved from smoking pot to once a week To every day now and also we were adding alcohol to the mix and then we uh After he died we just like on our own went from one level to the other

And then another kid from the neighborhood died sophomore year he drowned And that neighborhood never recovered Like I still see some of those kids in the neighborhood and they never recovered me one one of them being me Nobody knew how to really handle that in the eighth grade and even writing about it last week a couple weeks ago I didn't I remember going to the hospital and seeing him on the ventilator because he went into a coma first He was in a coma first and they pulled him off the ventilator and he died and Him and I were like early stoners and we listened to kiss

All the time And at that time I think I had two kiss albums That we used to trade kiss alive Me and him would trade it And I at the fucking funeral I buried him with the kiss albums. I put him in his casket. I said, I'll never listen to kiss Without you next time I'll see you but listen to kiss and I never really listened to kiss recently I started a little bit, but never in all albums or anything I didn't know it affected me then

Now I know how much those two deaths affected me and then throw my mother in between the boat So it was Anthony first my mother Then Dominic Dominic died maybe 10 months later. My mother died in november. Dominic died august 4th That destroyed the neighborhood And I still talked maybe three four five people in that neighborhood gone gone I mean, how can we you know, it's it's the the concept of death is completely removed from our society

We don't even see how our our food is Killed I mean how we supposed to no one it's shit. No one ever talks about we don't want to know how our food is killed Yeah, true, but I mean you don't want to know you don't just death in general It's like you don't people don't talk about it until it hits you, you know And you know, I was destroyed after my father and my sister. Oh, yeah, we all I stopped drinking for pleasure Uh for two years. You're still off the booze. Still off the booze. Yeah, god bless you. Yeah, man. January first was five years Yeah, no desire No, and even after this a a few people called me, uh, you know and um

you are One of the few friends that reached out to me several times since um Since um my breakup and I really appreciate that and you asked me and a couple other people that called me, you know, you're not drinking are you Which is you know That really means the world to me of no idea But I have no fucking desire whatsoever and I was actually in I was feeling at my fucking lowest

And I was in Hollywood and I was walking I had to go to the bathroom And I was I was right by the Pantages theater and the frolic room is next door And I've been in the man my my brains have been splattered all over The frolic room. I mean I was still there. Yeah, and you know, I still held on after all this year, baby It'll be there after we're dead. They changed everything in that neighborhood Yeah, but that's still like the same gritty Hollywood bar that it always was so I mean I popped in there and like the 1,000 ghosts of Tom Rhodes past are in that bar and times I was in there and had a great time all kinds of

different stages in my life and just getting plastered and um You know and that smell of the fucking stale beer on the carpet and the you know I had no desire whatsoever. I just you know, hey, I'm here to take a pee and get the fuck out Good for you. Yeah, man. That's uh, you know, I'm I I want to go You know, I may never go back to drinking and I'll never go back to the way I used to be Um, but I want to go at least 10 years Like when I'm in Paris, I got the Paris is my favorite city in the world. I got so many stories about it and

um Yeah, or like when you're in Rome It's like, you know a glass of wine would be nice. I mean, maybe it won't be as nice as I think it'll be But I want to go at least 10 years And then uh, and then maybe I'll have a glass of wine. You still smell grief Yes, uh Yeah, I I I had to take a break in january because it was fucking depressing me Even worse, you know, I spent here. Here's a great story for you and I try I've tried to turn this into

I've been saying this on stage, but I think it's a little too raw and painful for it to be funny, but um I spent january alone in my apartment crying And uh, that's what happens when you get divorced and uh, and it was pretty rough You know, and I've been focused on on this album and I'm writing a book to go along with it So it's great to put my energy into that but the truth of the matter is and that's why you know getting a call from From from you meant the world to me. You had no idea, you know, what my situation was and I I appreciate you I know your situation. I appreciate you, uh, that you that you were concerned about you have to listen fucking means the world

with the marines of company. Yeah, and There's just a couple of us that really, you know, I live my life by one rule like sonny and Bronx tale nobody cares These people tell you save the whales and yeah, it's all for attention Nobody really cares, you know, nobody You know, it's all bullshit at the end of the week when they see you at the comedy store They blow smoke up your ass at the end of the week nobody fucking cares in this life and

I've been very lucky. I've had people who have checked up on me and said hey, what's going on For me divorce is one of the hardest things I ever went through. I'll never go through it again I don't ever wanted that's how I feel. Yeah It is one of the most rotten feelings in the world, especially As time goes you have not even began your grieving process You know yet, you know in time you'll meet somebody else and things will move on but A divorce stings you a little bit because At first you get you go through emotions you go through a ton of emotions

But at this point in my life You know close to 25 26 after my divorce I put it there with my GED with me quitting high school I failed at one of the most simplest things in life friendship With a girl, you know, I failed at being a friend. That's what you are when you're a husband or a wife Yeah, you're an extended friend, you know You know when a girl when I was 21 I made a decision

That when a woman told me she cheated on me I was done Because the first time you tell me you love me love Doesn't disrespect as biggie Smalls put it in 1995 Love never disrespects Never never never never Everything else when you know Acquaintances, yeah, let them say what the fuck they want, but love never disrespects, you know

And It's just weird. I knew what you were going through And I just I think you I think you wanted the fucking best comics working The last set I saw you doing the original room when you brought me up about seven Eight weeks ago and sometime in mid-december because you were still married at that Yeah, and you called me the next day a couple days later. I said I've been thinking about your set It was one of the most brilliant things I've seen and stand up And it's so weird how comics get hot

And they create this scene for themselves and you're not really Looking at I feel Tom Rhodes. You're one of the best comics working today and I look in the eye and tell you this We're no bullshit. I don't need to blow smoke up your ass. So Yes, when I found out you were getting divorced it concerned me You one of the best guys representing what we do out there. You write You do callbacks you You fucking sacrifice the marriage For comedy for this album. That's right in front of you. So

All my respect everybody Listen, man, I respect motherfucking comedians. Yeah, I don't care if you're a woman or you're a man I respect the worth that ethic that goes behind being a comic I respect it with all my heart at 27 years. I know who's faking the funk. Yeah I know I'm with him and I respected more than anything in the world and I always say that Comedy is my religion and my political party. That's all that I fucking care about my first So to have your respect means the world to me But beyond that the fact that you were concerned about me and you called me several times

To to make sure I was doing okay I will never forget that you've always been you've always been a great friend to me But like I'm serious that uh, I will never forget that as long as I live that Is part of what goes with comedy. That's a part of goes with life That we only have a couple handful of friends and we got to check them out and check in time at time I love you joy. Yes. I love you too. Right. What's the name of this? So the album is called around the world, but let me tell you this this story that uh, uh, Showed you how fucked up, uh

What I've been going through so I spent january alone crying in my apartment So like uh, this old friend of mine this girl I've known her since middle school And a great friend man and then she's been dating this guy for years and then there they got married Two weekends ago. So she asked me to officiate I don't you know, whatever. I mean, I'm happy to do it, you know, and uh, I got ordained online a couple of clicks and I read a hafi's poem that I thought was fitting and and and I gave them what they wanted, but my heart was, um, you know

It was painful being there around all this happiness and all these love songs and here's these people starting a marriage and mine is just ended so It was great. I was happy to do these friends a favor, but to be honest with you I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. So I call a lift and I get in the lift and uh The lift driver goes, hey, that looks like a nice party you're at. I said, oh, yeah Well, it was a friend of mine's wedding and to be honest with you I couldn't wait to get out of there because uh, I'm going through a divorce right now and I spent January alone in my apartment crying and uh, the guy said, uh, I can relate to you getting divorced. My cat just died

So I came home and I found my cat and I just picked it up and I was holding it I was crying Holding my dead cat and I said, uh At least you got to hold something You got none of the pieces I try that on stage, but it's like it's too raw and it's too fucked up To be funny yet. Tom Rhodes. It drops tonight midnight. Yeah, man. My album is out now. It's called Around the World And uh, look at those tracks. It's right in front of you man. It's it's it's it's a masterpiece. I have to say The album is three hours long. Hong Kong Shanghai

starts in Paris Ends in Jerusalem and you ended with the Jews. I love it. That's the way to do it. Yeah, man I did this party with the Jews. I did this tour in Israel in December and I took my 80-year-old Jesus freak mother with me to uh, to Jerusalem and we flew in a week early and Uh, it was pretty amazing. Um Yeah, uh Do you want to hear a story or are we we're wrapping up? We're wrapping up. Okay. Yeah, no problem. Hey everybody buy my album Around the world. It's the best thing I've ever done and um, Tom Rhodes. I'm happy you made time to come on today

Oh, I adore you. You look completely different than when you walked in here Yeah, you took a load off your fucking shoulders. That's true. Smile on your face And this is what these are about. They date you want to promote? Uh, yeah next month. I'm at sides putters in Tampa I'm at uh comedy off Broadway in lexington Uh great club great room. I love that great club. Yeah, and then I'm at the punchline in san francisco the last weekend of of march So yeah, buy my album come see me live I will be at treasure island this friday night with k quick Lee And at the fox tita in toosan on saturday night

with quick k quick Lee and then uh I think I got march 2nd at the ice house. That's it. I got a like couple weeks saturday night working out with uncle joey All right. I want to thank tom Rhodes I want to thank the flying jewel over here and I want to thank you guys most importantly But I also want to tell you something for a second there. I want to talk to you about robin hood Robin hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks ETFs options and cryptos Or commission free while other brokerage charges up to ten dollars for every trade

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I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I Or somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn That misery loves company

Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding From a front row seat

When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you Robot