Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #660 - Ali Siddiq

Episode Date: February 21, 2019

Ali Siddiq, a stand up comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Harry's - Get your FREE trial shave set at Harrys.com/CHURCH Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get $30 off you first order.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 02/18/2019.

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... a couple brothers out of Oklahoma and shit you guys seen this video Oh, I'm out of Venice, whatever Venice means. It's the church of what's happened now, baby. Bringing you some fucking soul into your life. Kick it, Lee. What? Get up, cock-suckers. The bluebird of happiness ain't gonna knock on your motherfucking door.

What? What? Here you go. Bye. Ali's a dick in this motherfucker. You got the Christ killer. It's Thursday morning. Whatever you need to do, you gotta do. I'm 56 and I'm still slinging dick, alright? That's all that matters. 56 and still slinging dick. It's official. Ali, what's the story? What's the haps?

Aw, man, um, Jesse Smollett is the haps. Making black people look bad all over the country. Man said no. Black and gay. Two people at the same fucking time. And Nigerian. Nigerian, too. Because there was two Nigerian immigrants that he let sit in jail. That was tough as lies. That's keeping the story up. He's gonna come back with...

He didn't have to go to the police on Tuesday or Monday. He didn't have to show up on Monday because it was a holiday or whatever. I don't think he's enjoying the president's day. No. They arrested those two Nigerian guys and then they completely let them go in like three hours. That's the quickest investigation. I've never heard of it. They told the story. They was like, look, we not finna go to jail. But they was already arrested. They were already arrested, sitting in jail.

And Jesse out there talking, I fought. I fought. I fought him. They looked at it like, who did he fight? He paid us a lot. One of the guys was on the show. He was like, what did he say? So he's not going to come and rescue us. I need to talk to the authorities. He probably didn't over text.

That's like the craziest thing was when they have like that much... Well, he didn't want to give him the phone. Yeah, that was... And I knew something was up. You can't say nothing no more because the black community will come after you and the gay community will come after you. But me and my wife, my wife of ours, we were talking about it the other night before dinner. Something that I don't smell right here.

And his beating wasn't that severe. His face wasn't that beat up. He had like a little bit slap. You know, he made up a thing. They put a rope around his neck and they were Trump people. Jesus Christ. He said a noose. Joe, you got to give what he said. He said they put a noose around his neck. And all I wanted to know, who is walking around with a noose at Chicago

and two o'clock in the morning at negative 25. You're from a former person that used to rob people. I promise you, I'm not going to rob you. I'm not guest robbing nobody at goddamn negative 25. I need to know that you have a double bag of illegal money that I can take from you. Let me tell you something. I don't know if you thought this over. The last thing a Nigerian knows how to do is tie a knot. Especially a fucking noose, okay?

The last thing a brother even fucks with is rope. You can't show a rope to a brother. They get all nervous and shit. Mission line, yes. A noose, no. Black people, I'm telling you, dawg. What do you mean they don't know how to tie knots? Black people, you never seen a black boy scout, have you? They don't like the knot test. No, they don't like the knot test.

You never seen a black kid in the boy scouts. Once they start tying those knots, that's racist. We don't well know how to sail a knot. That's what they hung our ancestors with and shit. You'll never see a black boy scout. You'll never see Mr. Williams let his kid be a boy scout. He knows those are racist and training and shit. Even though there's a thousand of them, I'm going to go with you.

You shouldn't be a black boy scout. I'm going to tell you right now, you never seen a black boy scout. They're either gay or KKK, those little kids. They either come out to be gay or KKK. Either to fucking troop lead or fuck some in the muffler. Sandusky style. Not in the muffler. Sandusky style.

Sandusky style. They fuck them in the tent and they send them out into the wilderness. What do you think is going to happen to these poor kids? You think they're going to survive? They're going to move to Santa Monica Boulevard. That's what I think that's a quote on. Get some roller skates. Yeah, get some roller skates in Japan.

You'll never see a black boy scout. Good. Go up in the picture of the fucking boy scout. See if you ever see a boy scout. It's in there fucking DNA. They're not allowed to do that shit. They say, Joe, well, witnesses don't stand up for the flag. Black people don't want to know nothing about that shit.

There ain't no black boy scouts. Man, the thing was when he said that he went home and left the news around his neck for 42 minutes until the police got there. And my mind was like, wait a minute. Was the news fucking tight? Was it a loose news? Or what kind of news?

What's that you got around your goddamn neck still waiting? Oh, this is you. I'm trying to get this out. Oh, my God. I thought it was the French knock on the door. I thought it was Marcos and shit. I'm like, what the fuck we got in this office? There's the cops on that way.

They're kicking the fucking door down. Joe's throwing stuff under the table. What a small news. I'm going to wait for the police. I'm going to wait for the authorities to get here to show them the evidence of the news being tied around my neck. That was a dumb shit, man. Didn't they do bleach on them?

Why would you have? The whole fucking story was just fucking stupid. It's just like this Virginia thing, the dude being in blackface. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. When he started explaining himself and got himself deeper in the hole. I went to a Michael Jackson one time

and I had to use the gloves. I even moonwalked. And then the reporter said, can you moonwalk for us right now? And he looked around. And his wife was like, His wife was like, nah, motherfucker, you better not move. Don't fucking moonwalk. They'll throw you under the prison.

Don't moonwalk. And he surrendered yet? No. And then number two got his dick sucked twice. And he shouldn't have surrendered. Like, I was like this. No, I wouldn't have surrendered either. I was 23.

I was a dumb fuck. I didn't know if he talked to people. Black people was like, at first, black people in Virginia was like, get the fuck out of here. Then they realized, like, no, no, wait a minute. No, we all right with that. That's not really tearing the scab off of racism to us. A lot of others, she didn't tear the scab off.

But what about that was the funniest thing ever because if he stepped down, the dude who was going to take his place got his dick sucked two days before. And now another chick came out and said he raped her. Yeah, and dude. Dude number three, white dude said, I don't want the job.

I got to be honest with you. Back in 1963, I went to a Halloween party. I put blackface on. He copped even before the pictures came out. Yeah, so how fucking hysterical is that? That is the funniest thing I have ever seen that night when they were like, well, there's the problem. They must be easy to find.

Yeah, it's like half of the Senate and most of the house should have, they fucking yearbooks on deck because most of them went to these Ivy League colleges that have a tradition of doing blackface parties. So they might want to, everybody might want to check their goddamn tree at this point. But the lieutenant governor,

this was the goddamn funniest shit in the world to me. I was like, okay. So the lady said, one lady said, I just want to say that he raped me and I don't want to say shit else. I don't need no interview. Just know he raped me. Don't ask me no motherfucking questions.

When don't I give you no time and other shit. We'll talk about it with y'all impeaching him. And it's like, wait a minute. Oh, wait, wait. So you want to testify at an impeachment hearing, but you don't want to testify in criminal court. Like, no, I don't need no criminal. I want them to lose this job,

but I want him to go to jail. And then this is my thing as men, I hate when other men come out fucking pandering for shit. Well, I find what she's saying credible. I find what you saying being so a bunch of bullshit because it's one thing is out of all the muscles that I have on my body, the one muscle that I don't want in your mouth.

If I'm forcing you to do it is my dick. That's what I don't want. Because everybody going to hit. If you, if you put up a fight, everybody going to know that you put another fight because I'm going to scream the loudest. Let a woman bite down your dick head because she don't want to suck your dick.

Oh, you forced me to do this. I don't want to be ready. Everybody going to know why she ain't buy this dick. Why? Why did you blame another person? A basketball player at the same school do for raping you as well. So you got raped at the, at my two people at the same school

and you still graduated. You're bad motherfucker. And you still took a yearbook picture. He's always smiling in the yearbook and shit. Look, I can't get, you can't, I can't get into two racial skirmishes at a high school with this thing. I'm going to graduate from that shit.

I'm like, I'm out this bitch. Did they believe her about the rape about the basketball player went away? No, it went away because she had all type of messages about how she said she was going to make the shit worse in his life. He said, I'm going to make your life worse because she like, she don't like to be broke over.

She got a fucking breakup issues. You break up with her. All of a sudden you fucking raped her. And then the lady, the first one, wait a minute, aren't you a district, you work for the district attorney's office. You work for a woman's shelter, so why you never told nobody that this man raped you?

At all. But you had other interviews about things of such nature, but you never brought him up. So you saying that y'all was on a secure, you said this happened at the Democratic convention and you went up to a floor with him that has feds all over the goddamn floor because they're securing other Democratic people

that's on the floor. You're on the floor with feds that's coming and going. As a person that did on some small scale shit, I used to be the comic with the Texans. I flew on the plane with the Texans. Have you ever heard of an NFL player raping a girl on the floor, on the team floor? You can't.

It's fucking cops up there. Local cops from that city, whatever city they playing in, that's on the floor, guarding the elevators. So people can't get up and press can't get up. And if any woman come on that floor, you was brought up there by a player. And if you left, the police saw you. They saw you going and coming.

Just like at the Democrats. And they saw you coming, going and coming. So if she was raped, she would have told one of the cops on the walk down that this brother just raped her. The fucking feds are every inch of this place. It's like I never believed the plane ran into the Pentagon. The Pentagon got cameras every inch of the motherfucker. So you're going to tell me that a plane ran into the goddamn Pentagon.

And we don't know. It's not a napkin, a wheel, a screw, a fin found another. That's sort of playing the scripts. Fucking disintegrating disintegrated into the wall of Pentagon. And there's no pictures of the shit coming going. It doesn't. It can't make sense when the feds are on the floor. So he's like, what type of fucking mind control he got where you

don't look the shuffle. You don't look rape. You ain't say nothing. You don't like on the floor with the fed. Damn, that's deep. But don't nobody want to file criminal charges. They just want him impeached. But no criminal charges because criminal charges to take care of him getting impeached.

If you get found guilty, he can't be the lieutenant governor in jail. The job has to go up for sale. It can't be like, well, I'm found guilty, but I'm still the fucking lieutenant governor. It doesn't happen like that. So why don't they want to file criminal charges? They all under the statute of limitation. All of them. The two.

It's a scary fucking world out there, bro. The set up world. That somebody could wake up tomorrow morning and say Lisa Yat was with me at the fourth wall last night on the way home. He tried to fuck me in the ass, you know, and I'll call Lee and go leave. What happened last night? And he'll go, I never tried to fuck him in the ass. I, she asked me for a ride home.

I told her I couldn't cause she was kind of scary. And this is the kind of shit that happens in real life. Yeah. This is the kind of shit that could happen. And did you go for a rape kid? No, because I was scared. Lee was going to beat me up. You know, meanwhile, you know, this is it.

This is our map. This is our fucking we've, we've, you know, but then again, if the smoke is fine, if it didn't happen, you're exonerated. But still, it's still in people's fucking mind. Don't get exonerated. You get, you get the fucking small print behind no bitch wearies that you, when they, when they accuse you, you get the front page. You are accused of these allegations.

But when you get exonerated, you are behind, you're behind the old bitch wearies in small print in cursive. They write your shit in cursive in the paper. Like jail. Was your name in the paper when you got arrested? No, I was hoping it wasn't. No, my name came out of the paper. I lived in Boulder.

So my name came out of the paper. It changed the game. What's your name comes on the paper. Once people read something instead of hearing it, it really scares people. People just stayed clear of me. Once your name comes out of the paper. Wow. Yeah.

I never wanted to be in the paper. No, not like, not like that. I want, I don't want it to be in print that I was out here being a street pharmaceutical rep. Yeah. But I'm embracing it now. Now, you know, I tried not to tell stories because I was getting a little irritated where people thought that that's all I did.

Like, you know, it took me a while to tell, even tell a prison story. So then I just started embracing it. Like, yo, fuck it. I'm, I'm going to just do the story and if people want to ask me questions, I'll talk about it. But it's the, it's the questions that people ask you that piss you off a little bit. Like this is the number one question that pissed me off. So will you, um, did you, did you, um, find humor in jail to protect yourself?

And then I say, well, where did you get that from? What make you think that that can happen? Um, a kid in the play movie, house party two, people have believed that shit since house, since it was set in house party two. When that man sitting in jail, kids in the, in the jail cell with him and he say, well, dude, you gotta do it. Richard Price said he did. Richard Price said when he was in jail, he would tell jokes to keep their mind, keep

them laughing to keep their mind off his booty. Now, when the fuck was Richard Price ever in jail? Never. So the shit can't be true, but it was said in the movie. So that's what people think. And then I asked the question, if I was standing here at six foot three, six foot four, about 280, would you ask, and I said, I'm a comic, same thing. And I did it started in jail.

And I said, would you ask me that same question? Would you say, did you start doing comedy in jail to protect yourself? You wouldn't think, you wouldn't, you wouldn't think to say this shit to me at all. But you're looking at, um, real life, you're looking at a wealth of weight, 140 pounds, 145 pounds, you're looking at a wealth of weight. And you think that I need to tell, be humorous in order to protect myself. You're looking at, let me tell you, I'm the same size as. But Nard Hopkins, Floyd Mayweather, um, marvelous Marvin Haggler, Sugar Ray Leonard, and Sweepie,

Penelope. I'm the same motherfucking size as them. I'm the same size as Pacquiao. So I asked him, like, what in people's mind make you think that I got to be humorous in order to protect myself? And what about me that you didn't think that I could protect myself? But I get it. It's some of the stories that I'm telling now that in prison that you realize have to be

super aggressive, even when you feel like the shit is not necessary because you, you still an intelligent person. Somebody asked you a question. They don't, you didn't answer aggressive enough for you. So they want to put you in a tank in a protective custody tank. I don't need to be in here. I don't even know what the fuck this is. To not want to be in here.

I don't know what this is. So now I got to beat somebody up in here for you to move me out of here because I'm saying this ain't what I was supposed to be. But what about me? I didn't, I didn't say it. What you wanted me to say? Do you think you can defend yourself in? Hey man, time to tell.

What, what did you want me to say? Oh fuck yeah. I'm gonna kill everybody in here. What did you want me to say? Just like now as a, as a grown man, what do you want me to be like? I don't want to be extra aggressive because when I am being extra aggressive, then I say this shit like this. I'm probably the only, in my mind, and I'm in a room with other people.

I'm like, you know, I'm probably the only person in this room that actually took somebody's breath from them, but they don't, where they don't breathe no more. I'm probably the only person. I'm like, I'm the probably the only person in here that's, that's thinking about stabbing multiple people in here. If something go, I'm probably the only person here that's, that's fixing my mind for problems at this goddamn gala. We are the gala and in my mind something, something can happen.

I got to be able to, you know, be able to maneuver out of this. I'm probably the only person with these fucking defects in my, in my brain because of the situations that I've been in incarcerated and I've always protected myself in there, but don't ask me no fucking stupid ass questions. Like, did, did I use, I said, cause there ain't no fucking stage in there. Ain't no way in there's, it's a comedy program. And then I was a fucking humorous sarcastic dude. It's like I am on stage now.

So it's no stage and ain't no fucking time. Eight o'clock. Y'all know I'll be doing a show at eight. It wasn't like that, but people ask you these fucking retarded ass questions. I can see if somebody asked you like, for me, did humor, I knew six months before I got sentenced, I was going to jail. I didn't want to accept it. I thought I was going to have my cute ass and humor to fucking judge at the sentencing.

That's what I thought. My attorney had done everything he could. He did a great job. I plead bargain, but I kept pushing the trial back to sentencing date until one day they called out of the blue and said, the judge says he wants to get this office docked. You got sentenced next Monday. And then it came to me the reality. I was swimming.

I was hitting the bag. I was riding the bike. I was preparing myself mentally. I didn't accept that I was in prison for about a week. For about a week, you don't accept it after you get sentenced five days, four days. And for four days, you're beating yourself up and then you just let go and breathe and say, I'm going to put this in God's hands. And I'm just going to have the best time I can in here.

Did I use humor to make my time go easier? Fuck yet by doing standup. No, in my head, you know, you got to watch what you say in there. You got to walk a certain way in there. You got to keep your eyes a certain way. You got to, you can't let a motherfucker get away with zero point zero, not zero point zero. Does that come back into my life from time to time? Yeah.

I don't let a motherfucker go past point fucking zero point. And nobody understands that unless you're in it. A couple of weeks ago, bro, I went to New York with my wife and kid. I took the ferry over to New York, did my shit in New York. Went to take the ferry back, bro. And you know me, Ali. Lee, you know me. I'm calm.

I'm ballin' over. I keep my mouth shut. I'm standing on the motherfucking line, Ali. With my daughter in my right hand, there's maybe a foot between me and some lady and some dude just cuts right in and walks past me. And as he was walking right here, Ali, I went right back to 1987 in that prison and I elbow shoulder them and he went and he looked at me like, excuse me. He looked at me for a second and he goes, excuse me.

And then he stepped back and just kept looking at me and I kept looking at him. And we gave ourselves about a minute and I go, is there a problem? I let go of my door and I go, is there a problem? And he goes, there's no problem. When the ferry came beyond the ferry, I got back, I sat down, I apologized to my wife, but I got that from prison. Yeah, not zero. Not zero.

Not zero. Before it even comes out of your mouth, not zero. That's how I was raised. That's how men were when I was growing up. Not zero. Not past zero. So when people ask me questions, I, hey man, no one wasn't like that X, Y and Z. Then you ask me another stupid-ass question.

So now then it clicks. Yo man, you want a bunch of cliche shit? You want me to rewrite the movie script that you got in your fucking locker? That's on your laptop or something. It's like you probing me for dumb-ass answers. And that's that mentality of, that prison mentality is fucking, you can't let nobody get away with it. Not zero. You can't say no slick shit and me not responding.

What? I don't let you get past nothing. I should, you know, as, you know, over the years. I let people, I let people, I- I'll calm down. I put my guard down just to let them. Eat that. I'll let them.

You have to just to let, to see how far they think they can push, to see how crazy they fucking really are in their mind. I didn't put the guard down and the shield. And I'm trying, I'm trying to be this loosey, goosey type of person and this shit just result right back. Because you can't talk. You be like, yo, you know something? Get the fuck out of here. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be, I don't want to be carefree.

This dude, this shit comes with a lot, with a lot, man. You know, like in his business, man, so many, so any fucking mistake you make, you know, like the Kevin shit with the, with the Oscars. I was like, that was some corny shit. Like you, who sat down and went back through all them fucking tweets and shit to find that. It's like, it's like they try not to give people, you know, what they deserve due to fucking language. That's a comic, man. We say what we want to say, give or take, you know, good or bad. I said something before.

Did you get insulted when I said no black people in the Boy Scouts? Not at all. There are people that are going to find that insulting. Yeah. And that's not insulting to me at all. I think it's a joke and it's true. I was in the boy, I was a wee bloke for about two weeks. Now one black dude signed up and it was in the fucking Bronx.

Okay. Now one black dude signed up. They didn't have the heart to. I remember Mr. Williams told Jasper in front of me, he ain't going to be no motherfucking Cub Scout because I was a Cub Scout first. I didn't like it either. But my point is that there's people out there looking for that now that guys like you and I understand one thing.

Second chances are a motherfucker. Okay. Not a lot of people understand the second chance concept in this country. Second chances got me to where I'm going. Okay. Got me here. Got you here. So how did you feel a couple of months ago?

Let's just talk about that. When they were going after that motherfucking judge for covering the chicks mouth in college. All right. Motherfuckers been a judge for 30 years, whatever the fuck he is, never gotten trouble again. And you mean to tell me you're going to come now to talk to me about something he did in 1982 that he covered some chicks mouth, which is all bullshit. It was all political shit. If you understand the nitty gritty dirty politics that's going on in this country, you'll understand

what's going on now with three women came out. Memorandum discredited the one. He raped the one at Harvard or Yale or whatever the fuck he went to, but the main one with the glasses. See, Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh. That was his name. That motherfucker Kavanaugh.

But what they were really mad about was some abortion bill that he was signing or something like that. The same thing with this governor in Virginia. That dude is signing some abortion bill. What came out about the lady with the glasses, Chris? Did it come out that she was saying anything fraudulent? They can't prove it either way with her. See, the only thing that got me with her was this.

You know how when somebody telling the story and they correct an insignificant part, a part that was fucking very insignificant. Oh, okay. Let me correct that. I had on some orange shoes and the strings were green. I didn't want you to think the shoes were orange, correct? You had that right, but you said the strings were black. No, the strings were green.

And then go on. Oh, I didn't remember that. You are correct. She was doing the technical shit that I find to be credible. He was doing the, I'm going to try to talk louder than everybody to make you believe me. Now, do I think he did it? 100%. You, you're a young white kid drinking fucking beer.

You drunk. You first of all, you're a white boy drinking beer at a goddamn clubhouse under age. I know goddamn well you did something. I've been, I've been to school with white boys drunk. I know a thousand of them get drunk and do all type of fucking weird ass shit. Thousand of them. So nine times to the 10, you probably, it's like, it's like trying to say you black dude and you, you was full of fucking Hennessy and you didn't cuss nobody out.

So wait a minute. You were full of Hennessy and you didn't say one curse word. Oh, he's a fucking lie. He's a goddamn lie. Hennessy make you curse. That's, that's, that's in the bottle. It's like, you pour drinks and you got curse words in the liquor. Man, it doesn't, it doesn't transpire.

So I knew, I don't, I just didn't like him as his whole fucking. Well, his demeanor, his demeanor was not well. It was like, yo, you are lying. Well, he's a, what's that shit they called? He had that bitter air to him. That afluenta. Right. Yeah.

Yeah. Cause see the one thing about the dude in Stafford, so the dude in Stafford rapes the girl swimming, the judge sends him to apologize. He said, I don't want to, he said, the man said he didn't want to ruin his life. Well, you fucking wanted to ruin mine. When I was a drug deal at 19, you, you tried to throw all the time at me. He, people, man, some of this shit I just don't, I don't get like cops shooting unarmed people and not getting nothing happening to him.

That's some fucking weird ass shit. Like anytime shit go awry and you the responsible person, you're the one that's supposed to be the responsible person. That's like, this is, this is your podcast. It's like me coming in and deciding not to talk about none of the shit that you want to talk about. And then somebody said, well, Joey, I leave it being difficult in that podcast. And, you know, and you just letting him talk about, well, I couldn't, I couldn't

control the conversation. Right. But you wouldn't say that. You'd be like, yo, that motherfucker, I kept turning the shit back to where it was supposed to. You know, you're not going to let me come in and just do what the fuck I want to do on your podcast. It's like, so I never get people saying that they didn't have any control over

something. You had some sort of control, some type of authoritative control over it. As a, as a cop, you're a professional. You're not supposed to have the same temperament as some regular as Joe on the street. You're supposed to be able to be more tolerable of anything because you are a professional that's trained in that. If you, I've seen a cop, I'm cursing, saying, he's just looking at me and asked me

straight up, are you done? No, I ain't motherfucking done. I said the rest of what I wanted to say. So you done now. Here's the thing, Ollie, being a cop has changed dramatically in 30 years. When I was a young kid, if Ali grew up in North Hollywood, he would become a North Hollywood cop, which means you got roots in the community. You know all the knickknacks of the community are.

And now you're the B cop. You're the low man on the totem pole. The B cop is the biggest crime deterrent there is because I know you're going to be back in 43 minutes. Whatever I got to do, he's got to be done in 43 minutes. Now that guy becomes a detective in North Hollywood and so on and so forth and so on. But he knows the streets. Now these cops, Lee's a nice guy.

Lee could have became a cop. Okay. After high school, he goes to college, he gets out of college, he doesn't know what to do, he could become a cop. What if, you know, yeah, you could train all you want at shooting a fucking target. But unless you know the game, you know what, man, half the people that are dying shouldn't be dying. They should all be getting shot in the leg.

Ali poses a threat to me and he's got a knife. I'm not going to shoot him in the head. I'm going to shoot him in the goddamn pinkie toe. Like Eddie Murphy shot the chicken, the pinkie toe and put you down. But will I do that under pressure? Will I do that when there's police car lights? Can you do that when there's fucking cameras out and everybody got a motherfucking camera? You know, nothing is right now.

If I see you, if I get out of my police car and you're doing this with a fucking knife, you're not coming at me with the knife. You know, you're just doing like this. There's mental health issue. There's a thousand things. What's wrong with shooting a motherfucking little leg? What's wrong with your taser? Okay, the taser.

What's wrong with finding out? That's what we're going through. People are panicking. You know, you go for your cop. Bro, we've seen, we've seen crimes that they should put the cops under the prison. That dude who shot that black dude. In the fucking head at the car. In the car.

In the car. That's the worst. That's the fucking. He should have been put under the jail. The dude a couple of weeks ago on the mall in Texas that he pulled out his gun and they shot him. I can't. I don't know if I'm a cop. I'm running in.

I hear people yelling and screaming. That's confusion. I'm not looking. I see a brother taking out a gun. Put it down. You know, put it down. What if that put it down? He just turns at me.

I don't know if he's, I don't know if he's military trained. I don't know what the motherfucker is. So there's, there's a, we can, we're not there. In Texas, what's crazy is as a, I don't understand cops in Texas. When you know a lot of people have gun licenses, you going in, are you going in firing on the white guys that you're seeing with guns? And that's the crazy shit because these are the mass shooters. I'm still confused on how in the fuck are we even considered dangerous?

What's the last thing a black person done? Name it. Jesse motherfucking Smollett. We lied instead. This motherfucker attack. That's it. What's the last motherfucking violent crime that we have done? Maybe the sniper like 15 years ago.

Remember that guy? That motherfucker 15 years ago, the DC sniper. We don't have no, we ain't got no fucking goddamn. We kidnapped no whole bunch of fucking people. We, we don't have no drug roots. MZ and motherfucking the wrapped about all them. We don't have, what God damn, the only thing we've done would have Obama. That's it.

We ain't done a motherfucking thing. How we steal the number one fucking predator. There's 1600 mass shootings. We have done none of them. Not one, not even a tan motherfucker done it. Not even a tan one. Every time there's a mass shooting, every black person in America goes who we ain't getting the blame for that motherfucker right there.

This is crazy white people. I get it. I get it. How much of it do you think of is it is a race versus economics? Like, like, that's what always so shows to me in like court is that the guy who has money, like the Afluenza is going to get away with it. It doesn't even matter. Like the race matters maybe a little bit.

It, I don't, in mass shootings, I don't know how the race would matter in that when it's, when it's like, yo, it's a, it's a weird, I don't know what the fuck matters no more because it's so many unarmed, unarmed African American people getting shot versus you go in and shoot. Okay. The mass shooting in the, in the, in the church. Right. He shot nine elderly people.

He killed nine elderly people. How in the fuck did you, do you arrest him and make sure that he has something to eat? Yeah. I mean, every, every mass shooting now, when it's, when it's a person, they know who they didn't know who they going up, they make sure that they go in and they, and they make sure they say it all the time. You go back and you listen to it. We arrested the sailor with no incidents.

They make sure they say that with no incident. So how the fuck is, is this man selling CDs in front of a store? How does he, how is he doing it? How is, I don't understand. And, but then you want to say this man in blackface ripping off the fucking scab and reminding us of slavery and racism in his country. No, that's not the fucking scab that's being ripped off by blackface. I'm, I'm well aware of what happens in blackface, but I'm not understanding the why so many,

like you say, you got this, you got this, this dude, this country dude from Alabama or Alabama or some small town in Texas or some small area where it's just predominant. He just, all him he's ever seen. Then you put him in a, to patrol the neighborhood of people that he never really dealt with ever in his life. He's got no stock in him. And he has no idea that because I'm talking loud, I'm not fucking mad. I'm just talking loud.

I'm not being aggressive because I'm doing this. This is how I talk. You have no fucking training to be around. It's like somebody listening to my aunt and my uncle talk to each other. They mad at each other. No. Who said that? Why you thought that was mad?

Cause the way they talking to each other. No. She gonna tell him shut the fuck up all the time. And he gonna say right back, bring your ass in, you shut the fuck up until I get ready to come in there. They not mad at each other. That's love. That's affection.

35 years of that. And if you don't know that, you looking at on the outside looking like, oh, this is fucked up. Why, why they talking to each other like that? Well, you know, we handle things. We handle things a lot, a lot different according to, you know, we were rolling up on. Yeah. We were rolling up on.

Well, you know, a lot of people don't, you know, listen, I was at Rogan's last month and we were talking and I told him what Harvey was going to do. How are we going to get himself out of this? We're criminals. We know the plan. I got a plan. I used to just go to court just to watch court when I was a kid. You know, I enjoyed it.

I really do enjoy the judicial process. People going to court fucking proven that they guilty. I love all that shit. I eat that shit up alive. I knew what he was going to do. I knew exactly what he was going to do. Cosby didn't do it. Cosby got more money than fucking God.

Cosby still got three white chicks to go on. They represent all angry black sister Obama's cousin. I found out what, um, how, how he got, how he in jail. He got Cosby got cheap on the, um, on his attorneys. Yeah. You don't all that money in the world fucking fire. The people who got you the hung jury. He walked in there with another jury, but then on the other side of that.

Did you know that, um, his wife Camille had, had, um, wrote, wrote this letter fucking bad mouth and the, um, the judge. Like really talking shit about the judge. And the judge didn't even respond. Didn't say nothing. But then the new trial come, the judge, people don't realize he let, he let five women who had nothing to do with their motherfucking case testified against Cosby. He allowed, he allowed their testimony. Five women had nothing to do with this shit. Not a goddamn thing.

The judge, like what you don't do with you in the trial, we know this. You don't talk shit about the judge. No. That's what you did. That's the main motherfucker that you don't talk shit. The judge, you don't want to say nothing bad about the bailiff. Because knowing a bailiff can keep, I remember, um, missing the court date and the bailiff, um, on my behalf spoke up for me. Now judge, he's been here.

He's been here every other time. I don't, I, I, um, what is it called when they. Continuance. Let's do a continuum. Or the bond. Or the bond. They didn't take my bond. They let me keep my bond.

I just had to show back up and fucking the, um, the bailiff, man, the bailiff looked out. You got to know, you got to know the people in the court system, man. It ain't just about that. People don't know who in that, who in that, in that guy fucking wait. It's a lot of people in that room that got wait other than your attorney. Because your attorney is only in there fucking bartering relationships. It's on and let the real work comes when you get ready to go to trial. If you're not going to trial, it's like, I'm coming in.

I'm like, okay, look, Lee, shit. Did you take yours to trial? No. I was looking at 49 years. I wasn't about to take him by the trial. They started me with 99. I wasn't going to try. I'm like, I said, fuck you.

I went to, I went to the law library. I wanted to see what, what did my stuff start at? What is the statute of limitations of mind? I'm like, yo, where do I start? Cause you know, different, different possessions, different cases have different amount. Like you would get caught with a certain amount of possession is one thing versus a delivery in a conspiracy. Conspiracy starts at 20. Delivery starts at 15.

Possession starts at five. So I'm trying to determine. I really wanted to go in there and tell them people that I was in possession of five kilos dope. Like I was a smoker and my attorney, my attorney was like five. So you want me to tell him that you was using five kilos? Hey man, I got to have it. I got it. I got a bad habit.

So he's like, no, it's going to be a delivery, delivery of control substance. Now, and I thought delivery sales. Yeah. Sales delivery. Okay. Yeah. Possession, your user, you know, something. They come in here right now.

I got a baggie with an ounce of coke with nothing wrapped its possession. If they come in here and I got a scale and a couple of bendels, even if they're nothing in them, then they get me on delivery. On delivery. Conspiracy is if it's me, you and Lee. Yeah. If Lee gets the kilo and he gives, we chop it three ways and then that's conspiracy when it's a network of people.

Conspiracy to deliver controls. Yeah. That's a motherfucker right there. Yeah. Kidnapping one and kidnapping two and aggravated robbery. Second-degree burglary. And then they do what they call crime of violence. And that if you get convicted, they double your sentence.

So it's times two. So I had to think hard on this. I'm going to see the guy kidnapped Saturday night in Tucson. The guy I kidnapped in 1988, 87. He's coming to the show Saturday night in Tucson. This Saturday. Ha, hysterical. He's been waiting for the last month.

He's been calling me three times a week and I won't answer his call at the torture room because he didn't show up to Tempe last year. So I haven't been answering the phone. He finally hit me up on Facebook. He's like, motherfucker, you coming to Tucson? I'm coming. So the dude I kidnapped in 1987 will be in the show in Tucson. This weekend.

So you're in Tucson this weekend? Yeah. How crazy is that though? That's crazy. So for me, I knew he was a loose cannon that he was going to disappear. So that's why I kept postponing it. I kept paying my attorney to push it back because the victim would disappear eventually. He would either move to Mexico and then there'd be no fucking court.

No, he showed up. They didn't let him testify though because he had robbed the hospital. He jumped out. This motherfucker got a DUI, cut his head open. They took him to the hospital while he was in the hospital. He broke into the pharmacy, took the liquid cocaine and a bunch of pills and jumped out the motherfucking window and then didn't show up for court and had a warrant out for his arrest.

When I kidnapped him, he had a warrant out for his arrest. If I would have taken it to trial, it would have been close, close, close, too close to risk, 40 fucking years over. Yeah, too close. I just almost got jury duty and seeing what the kind of people they'd picked. There's people who just get bad luck. They've gotten jury duty four times and they're in charge of your life. It almost makes more sense to just have the judges do it because at least they're supposedly

smart. The people who I was in the room with for jury duty had terrified me. Like the thing that they were and tried to put someone's life. Yeah, it's a big thing. The people being there wanting to go, not listen to all the evidence. Just imagine, we have a declining educational population. Now, if you're getting picked, you're getting judged by these people, these new people becoming your jury.

The same people who can't pay attention without they've only got a small window of attention. A small attention. All my fuckers think King Kardashian's a good singer. Yeah. And Kardashian's a great singer. And she's a public figure for the world. So these are the people who are like, yes, I would like to hear all the facts. So this thing we did is the.

And we, we, we're in a, we're in a tight spot. I remember the first because he did well, got it arrested first. He got caught with Bella in the trunk of the car. So he got the public attorney. So when I walked in there, I knew exactly how that's beautiful for me because now I can't get a public attorney. I got to get a quarter point at real motherfucking attorney and the state pays him because of a public attorney and those may, it's conflict of interest.

So when you get involved with two or three people, you shut your mouth until you find out one guy got a public attorney, let them get the public attorney. You're going to go with a real motherfucking attorney. A real. And I went with a black dude. His name was Sonny Flowers. That was his real name. But he was black only in skin color.

His soul was wider than white and he was in there selling my fucking soul. And I remember he called me a week after I bailed and he's like, good news. We've gotten you a great deal. It's nine years. And he goes, and you're pleading to kidnapping too. And I'm like, Mr. Flowers, are you fucking crazy? And he goes, I think it's a great deal for you. You had nine years is perfect for what you did.

I go, there's no violence. They got no proof. But I was just buying time. I was just trying to get all my money in order to get a real attorney. So I was just trying to get my shit in order to get a real attorney. Then I went in there and started like a fake argument with him because he kept telling me, you don't understand. My grandmother was the first black woman to ever graduate, see you both.

And I'm like, you don't understand. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to get fucking lynched mobbed in this motherfucking. You're telling me about your fucking grandmother. I don't want to hear about your fucking grandmother one more goddamn time. Nobody talks about my grandmother. You'll never be a boy scout. You'll never be a boy scout on all this shit.

And then he threw me out. He wrote a letter to the judge. And then I had to go see the judge. I never forget this. I had snorted, I must have snorted nine, eight balls on a Sunday night. And I had to see the judge at 10 in the morning. I went in there sweating bullets. Ali, I know you've gone through this.

I go in there. I forget what the judge's name was. He was bald. He was a little bit of a hard-on. And I went in there and had explained my situation. He goes, what happened? I go, I think we didn't come to an agreement. He goes, Mr. Diaz, I want you to get sentenced.

And I go, listen, I wasn't getting along with him. He goes, all right, you have 14 days to get new counsel and come in here. I go, okay, thank you, your honor. And he goes, by the way, before you go, please go in my chambers and check with my clerk for a date. I've been to court a thousand times. That was fucking weird, Ali. Before you leave, go in my chambers.

This is in front of everybody. He goes, go outside and go in the first office and check with my clerk for a date for two weeks. I was like, something don't sound right. I was by myself. I had no attorney with me. So I walk out. He's like, go ahead, that way. And I walk out and I go in there.

And when I open up, there's a lady there. And she goes, Jose, and I go, yeah, she goes, hold on one second. And she opened up the door and two feds came out. They're like, Mr. Diaz, we're fucking such and such. We're from fucking the DEA. And this is county from Aspen. And they started showing me pictures of me on the balcony, showing me pictures of me in a car,

showing me pictures of me giving a guy like a package. And they were watching me up at Aspen. And they're like, this is how you can take care of this whole deal. No, they said to me, if you give us your dealer in Aspen, we'll make this situation go away. And we promise you, you'll do it. I'm out of minimal time. And I'm like, so wait a second, what you're trying to tell me is,

I'm going to sell my soul and I still got to do time. I thought about it first. And if you know anything about me, you know, I had to fuck with them a little bit. I had to fuck with them a little bit. I took the dude's car and I said, I'll get back to you. And then I would call him, like every four days. Listen, I seen a license plate the other night, like six, two, six.

Like, was something that was busting my balls? Like, if there was a drug dealer that I owed money to. I would call this motherfucker and say, look, I just seen a suspicious thing going in my neighborhood with this county, you know, I wouldn't say nothing. You're about to go to jail twice. And you're still doing it during the police. Oh, please, you know me, dog.

I don't give a fuck. I could go on for years torturing a cop. I had a cop that was so mad at me. I at least had dicked. This motherfucker tried to crack this coconut that he showed up on my wife's side for the divorce hearing. That's how much you say I dream of Jeanie. I dream of Jeanie is not about a white dude with a genie.

It's about a white dude and another white dude who torture major bellows. They just torture him. He'd walk into an office and they're having an orgy. Then he goes to report and he comes back and they're really a bakery. I had this cop. I had this cop. That dude just retired.

That dude just retired. I would still send him flowers. I would send him Valentine's cards. I would send him Christmas cards. I sent that motherfucker Christmas cards five years after I got out of prison because I knew he hated me so much. Man. So why are you antagonizing him?

Because he hated him. Because I hate him. I want him to fucking go to his grave thinking about how much he fucking hated me and how he couldn't do dick to me. Because he kept telling me the thing, you're going to do 50 fucking years. I'm going to make sure of it. And I'm like, dog. God damn it.

I'm going to call that cop on you. He's been farting on me. Chemical warfare. Dog, I tortured that motherfucker Ali. I tortured. Remember Ali, that dude started on me for a credit card fraud. He started on me at 85. When he was a patrol man, he thought he was fucking Snoop.

I burglarized him all with a credit card. And then my stupid Cuban ass. See, I went to the mall first looking for a job. And I didn't get it. Are you okay, man? I'm just thinking about this story. It's amazing that he's free. I'm wondering, is it a fun time?

Ali, I terrorized this mall first looking for a job. And when I didn't get the job, nobody would give me a job. I took a credit card, like 10 credit cards and just destroyed that mall. But I went into that mall one day, walked into the radio shack. You know, I picked up a CD player, one of those DVD plays, wrapped a wire around it. You know how you unplugged it? It was a sample. I took the fucking thing and walked out of there with the sample.

I destroyed this mall. They were not ready for Joe Diaz. But I tormented them with a credit card. I watched some in every fucking store in that mall. This mall was three floors. I spent money in every store in that mall. I kept drawing the cards away and taking them and going back. I tormented this mall.

I had to merchandise all over that fucking apartment. But one day I'm working, I get a call from Foot Locker. They want to hire me. In that mall? In that mall. So I take the job at Foot Locker with my stupid Cuban ass. I'm 21 years old. And I'm a Foot Locker robbing up a storm, right?

Robbing like a motherfucker. And one day this Chinese family comes in, one of those ying ying envelopes. The Chinese New Year envelopes. And they're trying on shoes. And I'm looking at that envelope and shit. And all these Chinese people are trying on shoes. And I clip the envelope and put it in my pants. It had to be like fucking, I don't know, $2,000, $3,000.

I went right in the back of the place. And I opened up a bag of size 13 sneakers. And I put the envelope inside the sneaker. And I went back out. I just had a weird feeling. And when they went to pay for the sneakers, they're like, what happened to the envelope? Our envelope is lost.

What happened? I'm starting to feel bad. The kids are crying and shit. I'm like, oh, I'm going to go to hell for this. And all of a sudden they leave. They came back and I'll lay with the cops. And they were like, we know for a fact when we came in here, we had that fucking envelope.

So we, the somebody stole it or somebody who works here stole it. And there was like three of us. And I'm like, dog, none of us took it. Either you dropped it, you know, but that cop kept looking at me weird. And two days later, that motherfucker comes back and he goes, I talked to you for a second. He goes, I just got a report that there's a guy that matches your description. That bought a bunch of jewelry and whatever.

So we're waiting for the cameras to come back. Is this you? You might as well turn yourself in now. This motherfucker came every seven days. He came in for five days with that same story. Every day coming. How you doing, Mr. Diaz? Have you decided to turn yourself in yet?

You know, we've got the sizes of the pants and stuff, right? You know, we're going to hang the sun. You know, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. They kept coming to Foot Locker, kept coming to Foot Locker. Then Sunday night, the motherfucker knocked on my door. And he's like, you know, we're going to come back here and arrest you tomorrow. We can make this a lot easier. I'm like, dog, if you could arrest me, you wouldn't be here talking to shit.

Now get the fuck off my stoop. Then that night I left for San Francisco. And I didn't come back for like two years. That was in August of 85. Ali, do you know when I kidnapped that motherfucker November of 87? You know, I turned myself into that dude and another cop. And he never remembered Ali. He kept looking at me like he knew me from somewhere.

And every time I go to court, he'd be looking at me and shit. I'm like, what is this fool going to remember that I was the credit card bandit? The Boulder Credit Card Bandit. The Boulder Credit Card Bandit. When is he going to fucking realize that I'm that dude? He's going to be sitting up one day and just going to pop into his head like something that you can't remember. Fuck, joy tears. No, I was at the comedy works two years ago.

And the feature that opened for me was a boulder cop. And I said to him, I asked him, I said, is that cop still there? And he goes, yeah, I'll ask him about you. I go send them my love because I always send them Christmas cards at the police station. So I sent him fucking shit for years. I think I haven't sent them anything like 12 years, 13 years. I think I sent them something with the longest yard. Go fuck yourself.

What have you done with your life? Fucking flat foot motherfucker. Here I am busting out with Adam Sandler. How you like me now? I sent them the trading card. They had these trading cards and I sent it to them. Do you have a problem with police? I don't actually have a problem.

No, not at all. Never in my life. Not at all. Not at all. I don't like, I like when a cop is a cop. I like when the cop talks to me from the heart and I talk back to him from the heart. I hated cops like him because they really thought they were making a difference. I don't want you to be a cop that thinks you're making a difference.

You're not making a difference. You're not really making a difference. You're going after them. When you watch those Pablo Escobar's and you watch them cheer and shit, I look at you and I feel bad for you. Because you're just plugging one hole in the wall. You don't see that. You're just giving another guy a fucking light.

Leave him alone. Shut the fuck up. You're gonna act like that. Wow. Yeah. We got him. You know, that shit has always killed me. Those gung-ho cops, they bothered me.

But cops are the cops. The cops that pulled us over that night. I put my hand on the steering wheel. I never had a problem with a cop other than that cop. Let me tell you something. I got arrested one time on a warrant. I got arrested on a possession of stolen tools thing. And I had a warrant in Bergen County.

The cop that drove me from Tenderfly to Bergen County jail stopped and got me Chinese food. That's how good I am around cops. I tell them the truth. My brother's a cop. I admire you guys. You guys are doing a job. And I fucked up.

That's the truth about a cop. I got no beef with cops. I don't want to shoot a cop. I'm against cops. Cops are... I give my... That's why I don't like this shit that's going on with cops shooting people. And I've always said it.

Stop with the shooting of black people. Stop it, because I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. You're going to get five angry brothers that all train special forces. They're all going to start talking one night. And they're going to start sniping in a fucking city. That's going to happen. All it takes is two brothers to get together and say this shit's going to end. Call it the Black Panthers reprogrammed reboot.

Call it the Black Panthers reboot. And that's what's going to happen. I'm no fucking swami from Salami. But it don't take you to even be a genius to know that one day, one brother is going to call his cousin and go, hey, they just shot our little cousin in Memphis. This shit's going to stop. Let's go down to Memphis. Let's get all our little army buddies together.

All our little black sniper friends. And let's start picking off motherfucking cops on Main Street. We'll pick off a white cop a day until the fucking violence ends. This is going to happen someday. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be in 10 years. But someday this is going to happen because this keeps happening. And people don't understand.

And people don't understand. And it's going to take one angry dude, one two-park motherfucker to say, you know what? I know how to fucking shoot. I could shoot. I could out-shoot Lee Harvey Oswald. Listen, you know, this football thing I was talking about. Was I talking about? Oh, that fucking cavernic-y, man.

No, no, no, no, no. The shit about this thing about the... The CTE? I was talking about CTE. That now, since white kids aren't playing football no more. More and more like more blacks are going to Princeton now. Like they're allowing it now. Like, fuck it.

We don't give a fuck. We need football because the NCAA spends more on football scholarships than all other sports combined. Did you know that? Yep. Than all other sports combined. Then what makes the most money? The NCAA spends on fucking football. And now, because of this white kid not playing football, shit, that means more black kids

and Puerto Ricans are going to be going to the school that you worked hard to fucking get into. Right. And now parents are fucking pissed. This is what this whole thing on real sports was about. That parents are like, wait a second, you're letting these kids in our fucking school. We pay 40 grand a year. Well, that's also kind of racist. That's very racist.

So what you're telling me is to pay money to keep blacks and Puerto Ricans away from you? Well, sometimes they pay to just get in. Like they'll pay just to, oh, I'll donate to get a library. But they didn't deserve to get into Harvard. That's happening too. Which is pretty crazy. Well, can you guys explain the no snitching thing? Because I mean, obviously everyone's been told not to tattle tail.

But then this thing is happening with this rapper right now with Snoop Dogg, getting mad. This rapper had a whole 40 years of possible prison time. And now he's going to get probation for ratting and everyone. To me, if I was going to go to jail, I'd be like, yeah, maybe I can see where tattling is like, okay, I'm not going to go to jail now, but is it something different? How can people take it so seriously? It's a culture thing. No snitching is, don't nobody really want to live under that.

They think they do, but you actually don't. In those days are over. That's when men were men though. That's when the streets took care of itself and things would come around. I don't think that there's been an actual no snitching situation. Shoot, man, since before Kobe Bryant, Kobe Bryant snitched on Shaq. Al Sharpton was the Fed telling on people, it's out, man. I think everybody snitched nowadays.

Whitey Bodger was a snitch, right? Whitey Bodger was a huge snitch. Like it was a huge snitch for years. Like for the Fed, so man, that's something, I don't know, man. Here's what my take on is. I got two takes on this. I was raised in the house that you want a lot to say none. My mother exposed me to everything at an early age.

I knew what my mother did. I knew what the numbers were. I knew what drugs were. I was exposed at an early age. Like my first raid, I was five when they raided my mother's house on 89th Street. So at that age, my mother would already tell me in Spanish, shut your mouth. So I remember still being like eight and being on 205 West 88th Street.

And a beat cop came up to me and told me to scrub something off the floor. And I told him why would I scrub it off if I didn't do it. We got into like a very mild conversation. And my stepfather had already married my mother. And he would talk to me. And I remember him walking towards me. And he looked at me in Spanish. He's like, no, no, no, you're not the people, you know, don't say nothing to him.

You know, so I was always raised to keep my fucking mouth shut. I came from a neighborhood where, where I played at my godmother's house. You couldn't be a snitch. And then when I moved to Jersey, you couldn't be a snitch. When you get arrested, the first thing you do is to keep your mouth shut. You don't know nothing. Now, I was in a situation where I was facing jail time. They came to me and asked me to make, make buys or whatever.

Listen, I'd rather fucking stab myself in my heart. I could never, ever, ever do that. Now, there's something else. Okay. If you're asking me about snitching, I'm not a snitch. I don't know nothing. I don't know, you know what the fuck you're talking about. If you're involved, you do your time and you keep your mouth shut.

It's not what people think. It's what you know. Character is what fucking, you know, don't let my character ruin my destiny. And character is what you do when nobody else is around. Right. That's why you don't snitch. Now, if I'm a big volume drug dealer, if I make a half a million a year on Coke, a half a million a year on gambling, a half a million a year on hot stuff,

a half a million a year on construction, everybody is always trying to shoot you down. So number one, for you to get ahead and to get up on that level, you have some dirty cops. I was a punk drug dealer and I had dirty cops. I had a cop that would give me all the guns he confiscated for Coke. So any hot gun, I tell him any hot gun get 200 cash. I was just shipping them back East. I remember still this guy coming to my house at two in the morning on duty with his jaw going from side to side, his eyes spinning in his head and asking me for a gram of Coke.

Now, when you're in that position there, when you're in the million dollar game, okay, there's going to be times like Michael Dodd. Like Michael Dodd told me a story one time. I told him I was going to go on Bodeedal's podcast, which I still owe an appearance on. And he goes, don't say nothing to Bo that you know me because one time Bo and his crew were about to arrest somebody. And we saw the paperwork and we went over there and robbed the guy's drugs. So when Bo got over there with the rest of the cops, all the drugs were gone and Bo knew it was us. Okay, when you're making a half a million dollars a year from drugs,

the last thing you need is Ali Sadiq said to shop over at that funeral parlor, especially if I'm right here. I need Ali to get with his fucking friends jumping up and down with rap music and fucking cars at night. And we're trying to sell a million dollars here. I got a cop in my pocket. I'll tell him to go over and talk to Ali. Go bust Ali, shut him down over there because he's making a racket towards my business. That's part of business. That's not called a rap.

That's part of business. That's part of business. Ali's got a sister. And I went to a club one night and I called her a fucking cunt or whatever. Ali knows me. Ali knows me. We're friends. He knows I'm a drug dealer.

He don't want no problems with me, whatever. You know what? He might just, by mistake, put an ounce of coke in my car and make me get pulled over. That's not a rap. That's part of doing street, that's street business. That's street business. That's part of getting mixed up in the fucking game. If you're a drug dealer and you have any cloud or a numbers operator or anything, you have a cop on your payroll.

You have a couple cops in their payroll and they have ears. And they'll come to you and say, listen, we just busted this dude, Ali, and he's down there ratting. Cops work like that too. So I already know. So I'll call the king of the fucking brothers and go, hey, if you got something going on in Ali, disconnect. Because he's in there ratting. Now I just won myself a favor with the brothers. Right.

Now I just won myself a favor with the brothers because Ali's running with the brothers over on 88th street. Now I go over there and tell him, hey, Ali, how do you know because he's in there singing the blues? Who's Copernicus? Me. I tell you that fucking Ali's ratting on Copernicus. Now they owe me a solid. Gotcha. So it's all on the street.

It's all about solids. So is it more of, it's not that you're ratting, it's that you're dealing with the cops. Yes. It's that you, you've made them a partner. And now they're your partner. You know, you want to become a drug dealer, right? Right. Like they did this to my friends one time.

Like they did this to Kurt and Danny B. Okay. They fucking went and they made it. So you, I come to you and I go, Lee, I don't know anybody in Boston. Can you sell me Coke in Boston? You're like, yeah, sure, I'll make a phone call for you. I'll take 30,000 cash. And when I get to Boston, you'll call a drug dealer and say, Joe Diaz, the ace hotel room 432.

Go over there and tell them you got a kilo of coke. Just rob them. They'll set you up that way. Fuck. So you use cops as a setup also. Damn. Okay. But for me to go into someplace and them say to me, well, you're looking at 20 years rat on

somebody. They gave me an opportunity in 87. I could have ratted on the people for massive. They came in and gave me the pictures. All I had to tell them was three names. And I was like, for what? What's the sense? I'm going to know.

I'm going to fucking know. I, I guess that this is probably why I never would have made it as a criminal. It's just, it's, it's a whole different world to me. Like it's crazy to me that you would, you spent years robbing drug dealers and taking all their money, but you won't run them out. Like there's just certain lines, you don't cross like this. And I guess it makes sense, but it's like, fuck. Thank God I didn't get into that.

You have to watch your back and you got to know who you, the animal you're dealing with is and you got to know what their ammunition is and who they got on the payroll. And cause you never know, you know, not every cop is a decent individual. There's some cops that are out there. You read about it every week. Cops get DUIs cop. They have faults too. Right.

Their centers also, they have faults also. So they get hooked on coke being on the job. Well, don't, don't police have like a place like they call it like the ranch or something. It's like a rehab. Well, they're undercover cops. What they do is, yeah, they have, they've always had one of those where you, you fucking go to one thing, you get picked up by the conspiracy. Right.

Right. And here's Ali hanging out with Joe Diaz for two fucking years. Every, every bump Ali does, Joe Diaz does a bump on them. Every fucking bump. Cause I don't know about you. You know, my only in Miami vice that you sell a kilo to a motherfucker and never see them do a bump in front of you. That's only in Miami vice.

The motherfucker comes with a blue tube and test the coke and shakes it and looks to see if the coke is yellow. Everybody, I did business with how to put a fucking fingernail in there and do two lines in front of me. I got to see you do those two lines or when I talk it. Damn. I got locked up. When I first got locked up, I got locked up at a fed place and there were motherfuckers

and there was a dude in there that I became friends with that told me right up that he caught a conspiracy case and that for fucking three years he goes, listen, every time I shop, this guy shot with me and he goes during the conspiracy case. They separated us. He goes, I finally made bail after a month and a half and at the trial, the guy walked in. He goes, I couldn't believe it. He goes, my jaw dropped.

He goes, this guy, I had done fucking never shooting coke. He goes, for every time I shot this motherfucker shot his vein, there's no way they're going to gain your trust unless they're there with you snorting. I know a guy, when I was at the car wash, the undercover cops would get that car wash there. So I got to see what all the cars look like and they will all repoed cars like when they arrested Ali and Ali's got coke in a car. If he's over a state jurisdiction, they'll have to take the car.

So they'll take the car from Texas and bring it up to Colorado and give it to the undercover unit there and the cars in Colorado will ship to Houston. So the Houston drug dealers won't know them there. It's very slick. A guy that's a cop in North Hollywood and becomes an undercover cop in North Hollywood doesn't do arrest in North Hollywood. He goes to Redondo Beach because nobody knows him. Right.

So as a criminal, do you ever trust any other criminal? Like to me, it seems like you can't. Yes. I trust criminals more than I trust these fucking people that tell you how nice they are and how because with a criminal, I know where I stand. Even though they have undercover cops? I know where I stand with a criminal. I know when a guy goes bad.

I know. So I stay the fuck away from them. But I have more luck with criminals than I do. I'm not pointing out Ali. I'm just pointing at the ass saying, I've always done better because I know where they stand. I know what to look for. He's a fucking stick up guy.

Now you deal with the, you know who hurts my feelings more? Regular people. When a criminal does something to me, my feelings don't get hurt because I knew that he was a criminal. Okay. When some idiot promoter tries to, when I call him and tell him I want to do 10 minutes and he puts my picture up and tries to make money off me, that's a fucking cunt move right there.

That's a guy that doesn't know I was a criminal for 20 fucking years. So there's people that are sneaky people. They piss me the fuck off more than criminals because when a criminal burns me, I know where I stood. I dealt with a criminal. Yeah. Right. You know, when you fucking, it's like Don King.

Don King was a criminal, but you know where you stood. You knew when you hugged Don King, he was going to fucking rape you in the ass eventually somewhere. When you hugged Don King, if you're making 10 million, you better know Don King's getting a million of that somewhere. Somewhere Don King's getting a million. Ticket sales, the added charges somewhere. Don King ain't there smiling, but when you hugged him and you got in bed with him, you

knew where you stood. There's people that you do that with, then they stab you and you go, Jesus Christ, those are the people that really fucking pissed me off. If Don King came to me right now and he said, I want to promote your new CD and he made the number sound right, I would do it with Don King because I know he's going to rob me, but he's going to get the CD out and I'm going to make a half a million dollars with him. Right. Because he's a fucking thief.

He knows how to go in there, shake motherfuckers down. He'll go down on me, but put the album in here, I'll stab you in the fucking neck. He'll open doors for me that nobody else could open. Do you understand me? So you give him his take and that's it. He made Mike Tyson a fucking gazillionth. It's okay, so it's the motherfuckers that come to us. How many people come to us and they have a fucking hidden agenda?

Everybody's got a hidden agenda, especially in this fucking town. I had a guy go off on me online six months ago because he wanted a career. He wanted to help with his career and I wouldn't give it to him. So he went off online about where is that guy today? He ain't doing comedy because he was looking for his hand down. I see them coming before they get here because I know what it is to love comedy. I know what it is to be a criminal. I know what it is to really love comedy.

So when you're just acting around like a spaz and saying and spitting shit out, I know you're not putting the work in. We know when you're putting the fucking work in. Where is he today? God. Right. He's putting the fucking hand down. But he made me seem like the bad guy.

I'm not the bad guy. I help all my fucking colleagues. I try to help you as much help as you deserve. Just because you stroll into town and you know, yeah, you know, I want to be your friend that don't work that way. It's the same way. Exactly. This is people who love it.

Like me, I'm dying to sleep right now so I'm probably going to jet so I can't do my job tonight. What time is our show tonight? Man, eight o'clock. I'm glad you told me. Eight o'clock. What date you got coming up, Ali? This weekend.

I am actually in DC at the DC improv. I'm recording my album. That's one of the best places in the world to record now. We're recording now. I'm there. Yeah. 800 pound gorilla. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a great fucking place. That's a great place to shoot now. So I'm coming to Houston though. I heard. March 7th. I heard. March 7th to the 9th.

Hopefully I'm around. Well, you... Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It's going to be bananas. I can't wait. I can't wait. It's been a long time since you've been here. Yeah.

Yeah. Two years. I try to space it out. Yeah. I try to hit Austin one year. I didn't like the dude in Houston. I heard he ain't there no more. Who?

What dude? The little dude. The little perverted dude. The manager. I don't know what he's fucking doing. The one that they signed the fucking thing to get him out of there because he was a creepy motherfucker. I don't know what he's talking about.

But Houston's me. You know, I love that fucking place for all my life. Yeah. Bryce to gain some weight down there, dawg. I don't know how you stay so skinny and good looking. Man, I don't eat none of that shit they be serving. Because I want to. It smells so good.

You know how much they want for gumbo in here at the barbecue joint? $1,000. $21 for a fucking bowl. What is it in Houston? Tell them though. Probably $8. $8. $21 for a bowl of fucking gumbo.

I'm going to be in Vegas this Friday with Kate Quigley and Saturday, Tucson, Arizona with my man, Kent Vella at the Fox Theater. Ali, I want to thank you for coming on. I'm sorry that you're tired and whatever, but it's always a pleasure to see you. Now, this is totally my fault. It's still public enemy number one. I still love you to death. This is totally my fault.

I'm tired of that. And you can come on whatever the fuck you want whenever you're in town, my brother. I'm trying to get the complete, the ultimate trifecta. Do Ari, Bertz, yours, Joe's, and Tom's Girl. And I think I'll be good on all the podcasts. Are you doing any other podcasts this week? Just you, man. You don't want to do all you're not doing Ari's or nothing like that?

Just you. Because Bertz in town too. Bert will be there tonight. Yeah, I will talk to him tonight. I'm happy to be there tonight. Me too. This whole, this is not happening team under the new storytelling, unnamed storytelling. Leo be down there doing the open mic.

But his dad, his dad's probably sleeping. We're on the sleeping pill. Give him a bonk and a sleeping pill. He's just hanging out. He's done. He's done. He gave my dad an edible. He gives my dad an edible every time.

And it gets, he just, he just, he's in outer space. He had to carry a lot of oxenot last night. 65 motherfucking years old. He would have done the answer to that. I got some asses. He was all over. He was excited. He was excited.

Alisa Dick, great to see you. Thank you very much for coming on the show, man. Don't forget you motherfuckers. I'll see you this weekend. Tucson, Las Vegas, Friday night. Viva. I love you guys. I want to thank Alia.

I want to thank the Christ killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always supporting the podcast and listening. And I got to talk to you about something, right? One of the most important things we do for our health every day is brushing our teeth. Yet most of us don't do it properly. Quip is a better electric toothbrush created by dentists and designers. Quip was designed to make brushing your teeth more simple, affordable, and even enjoyable. All right?

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And the other half of you cocksuckers, I'll see you at the Fox Theater in Tucson with my man Kent Vela on the drums. Have a great weekend. All right? Lee, kick this fucking mule. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. to the first floor and turn the key slowly up the door as the man breathes into his saxophone and through the walls you hear the city grow

outside it's America outside it's America it's America it's America it's America it's America it's America it's America

it's America it's America it's America it's America so close to you see the sky, it's open see the rain see the gaping warmth

howling the burning sun it's the arms of America