Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #661 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: February 26, 2019

Jessimae Peluso, a comedian, actress, and the host of the "Sharp Tongue" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Squarespace - start your free trial today. When you're ready to build your website go to www.squarespace.com/church for 10% off your first purchase of a domain or website.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.   
Recorded live on 02/25/2019.
  

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You know what I just said when you're ready to go when you're ready to make that dream a reality Go to squarespace.com and use offer code church to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain All right, number two this podcast is brought to you by on it. Listen It's February what 26 and you're still digging around It's time for you to go to on it calm right now and get some alpha brain a little shroom type flu season is always upon You know these creepy cocksuckers. They're always filthy. They're breathing on you You need some shroom tech immune some shroom tech sport. They got the best protein the business But listen, who the fuck am I go to on it calm right now?

You see something you like on the way out go to the box and press in church Bam and get 10% off delivered right till a fucking cause. Okay, take this fucking muley. Oh Shit, it's a beautiful fucking Tuesday Grab your nuts. We're going in there like Jesse Smollett the town of everything The church of what's happening now Speaking of gold dust women just to make balloons those in the house a hundred positions of sex on a daily This is why it is one of the top-selling arms of all time It's a no fucking brain

Here we go I got fucking my head Pick up the pieces and go home go to that shit. What's up? Yes, I'm a doing you know Keep it together Practice during the week I show up here with this gunga win on the verge of win. This is gunga didn't we this was gunga Then he defeated the fucking pilots and pirates and shit You know, but you don't want to train during the week. He wants to smoke those store joints. I mean, yeah

No, you're not then he goes on twitch and he embarrasses the family Yeah, he's twitching doing on twitch not to play video games and I smoke I smoke good We smoke the visit those George's friends weed. It's good weed, but I'm dude. You can't smoke 28% weed all the time I'm sorry a lot. It is a lot. It's a lot Joey can the rest of the world can't I know he can he's He's a superhero, but I give it up to him, but what am I supposed? I can't I You look like the personification of being high right like your whole face looks like my nightmare I think and I don't mean like that is what your face is. I just mean like I know how you're feeling

No, I'm actually too little bonk No No, you close I was ten Sabatino did bigger bonk it's in shit. I never said I know girls who come in here big a bonk. I never claimed to have good bonkhead skills He gives bonk. I don't have really good fucking years seven years doing bonk You gotta work on the bonnet Somebody with side of bonnet People always on the roof he pills and let me tell you something. I've seen women pass out off the bonnets

You give them two jobs let the alcohol simmer in them a little bit Holistic roofy You let a girl get high first and then you hit it with the bonnet that with 28% it's over You got about Window give me stab and then they start So you gotta Put them in the hallway with a bucket There was a chick that and how I know this like I don't want people to think you know

I'm a fucking animal here, but that you are an animal. I lived on guard Gardner Street with Gatlin and Ralphie May and all the people in that building There was a girl that did eyebrows and all that shit. Yeah, not the best-looking girl in the world but very sweet and She would come over to our friend's house and we would like do it every Friday and Saturday shut up She would do it. She if she like a group thing like if you like she was Ralphie May in a train We will meet Ralphie Gavin all of us would sit around on Fridays and watch a movie before we go out to the county store Whatever yeah, and this girl always come downstairs and say can I get high with you guys?

And it was like the same thing every fucking week for like six weeks until somebody said no no more She would have wine red wine Glasses of red wine and then do about it. Oh, no fucking catatonic And she was the type of brother if she was a nine somebody would probably give me a stabbing But she was like a three and a half Yeah, like people like what we gonna do with it She was a little chunky and they just pick her up and put her in the hallway. She was upstairs It was crazy

This poor girl and every Friday she was very sweet. She'd do your eyebrows for free and shit Did you get your eyebrows? No, she would trim them. Oh, that's nice. Look at this bush. Yeah. Yeah, those things are intense This is a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it keeps your face warm. I've been fucking 50 like they grow out I'm losing the hair over here. So what I'm gonna do is let my eyebrow hair grow out Cover all that shit up make a new head. I'm gonna go down a hero the brow back This is if you call it the brow back Danish. What they call the other head do that they come over You're gonna do over with your brow brow with my eyebrows. Yeah, this time. I my wife cuts them before I leave Yeah, I'll sit in the toilet with lights and cameras and fucking flashlights

She'll trim them and then you go to a hotel You check in you go to the bathroom to pee and what do you see when you wash your face that one? One one and it's great And it's fucking an inch long and now I gotta get a scissor and cut it I call my wife I'd call her every name you miss you missed us. You missed you missed one. Oh, yeah I got hand nose. She'll she'll fucking shave my nose and two days later. There's another afro Happens you get older like you just And when I was doing coke, I had no hair in my nose

Like the coke just burn Yeah, it burned it out and shot to the back Yes, I had like a Brazilian wax of my nose for three years like no hair Your silly I was all high. I could feel the hair is like growing tickling the tip of my nose I know you get ones on the edge. Oh my god. It's a fucking night. It's like you turn into a creature You guys aren't Jewish. What are you talking? I'm the one who has to shave my back my ears Why do you have to shave your back because it's how bad is it? It's a sweater. Is it? Oh, yeah, well, maybe you should move to a colder climate and make it be useful

Oh, it is useful for what? Clean off the dirt off the bottom of shoes You just recently shave it. Oh, I should I have two man groomers. You have two man Manscapers in case one of them breaks. Yeah. Oh, I'm picturing people. You mean a device. Yeah, it's like a bag It's like a bag scratcher, but it has a stick and everything you do that by yourself That's the saddest thing I've ever heard of Lee. You need to go have a lady do that for you When I had a girlfriend she didn't like me to shave it because she said it would get prickly when it came back Yeah, it comes back prickly and it feels offensive, but you need to have like a lady take care I don't mean like a girlfriend. I mean go to like a lady and have it like wax

I just can't picture you wax like you're shaving your back yourself. What are you doing? Oh, yeah, what am I how am I? Someone He's gonna be the wolf man fucking is gonna have what do mean ten years already care He's got the hummus neck already You missed you mixed the hummus neck with that. I mean Lee now He gets you all that hair So in between the back with the cord of all that gets released from his neck It smells like a fucking pussy right between his neck that I'm gonna pussy gets sweaty has an onion little mist to it

An onion mist. They're a Coachella my neck smells great. My next month. Like Documented on podcast I remember a fly being in it Will you always be in that corner by him because it was warm and I had to talk to a man to man You got to start washing your neck. No, and so this is why I'm sure that I'm I have a loofah mind you okay It's the red one and what's the Old spice or something. Yeah, that's what I use because that's because I'm just sure I want to need to be sure takes off That hummus neck smell. I know I don't have hummus comes out of your neck. Listen. That's what the Vegas

That's science. I want the Vegas and I want to I want to thank the people who came out to the Vegas show and also the People who came out to the Tucson show at the Fox theater you guys were fucking phenomenal audiences I went to those places and then Sunday I was too tired to work out because it was three planes in one day You're looking fabulous by the way, basically took three days off. So today I went to kickboxing this morning I smelled that shirt It's not like Turkey. Did you have on Lee's shirt? Was it with you? Yeah, my own shirt Yeah, you know how you smell when I took the shirt off the back and to put the other shirt before I left

The gym because you don't want to keep put that you know, I like I like your smell. Yep I fucking smelled that shirt later on. I'm gonna smell an odors around me till it's not like Turkey and fucking Salt yeah, and pills and cheese. I didn't eat no edibles. Nothing. I didn't do nothing like that I didn't do nothing. I took an anxiety pill Saturday night because I and with some coffee But just those two three days without sweating. Yeah, you can smell what comes out. Yeah, those weeks without sweat No, no good weeks. I'm gonna start sweating. You gotta sweat other places in the summer That I've been going in that work out thing so yeah No, he's gonna last three months

But before that he wouldn't sweat and he would come in here to be hot in the summer And the door would be open and he'd sweat a little bit I'm always sweating come out and then the fly would start coming in He found like a scorpion in the corner. He attracts everything Found something at the corner. What did you find if I found a score? It was a bee came in once something I've never come here again, and the bee went to sting him and left Hummus is a natural bee deterrent. I wish that was true. I would slather myself What else is going on in your world? How is NACA for people don't know God NACA is where you go to showcase so colleges

Will hire you for big money. They give you to give you a rental car. Yeah, I first moved here in 97 if you were doing colleges, it was like You were making thirty five hundred a night a fucking car a rental car because you had to drive an hour They gave you a money for a rental car. Yeah, now you got to get your own cars. Okay. Yeah The old days you got a car jack. Yeah now they don't do that now now you got to do it yourself but you know, I Went a day early just to kind of check it out You know just to see what the process was because it is it's a bunch of college students and everyone's got the right to be

offended now and I was like, I'm just gonna go do my thing, you know, I don't know what how else to do it I'm just gonna do what I do instead of trying to like Manipulate my set to fit some mold that I'm not even sure if it would work in the first place And I had a host the night Joe. I had a host it. I had a host the whole thing I had to bring up magicians and to bring up a fucking medium Lady out there like a T a B a J a K. I had to bring How does that work? How does that go over with a big crowd?

She guessed a lot of stuff her and her husband. They were guessing stuff that was right They were guessing names and in all sorts of information from people I don't know how the hell they were doing it, but I had to bring up a magician. I had to bring up a medium I had to bring up a musician Like two comics and so honestly my set Like just I felt like I ate a bag of dicks I feel like everyone I know it's done NACA feels like they've eaten a bag of dicks You know what I mean like the college shows it's just

But afterwards so I'm performing. I'm like, all right, this is not going the way I want it to go I'm just gonna get through it have as much fun as I can. I ended on a fucking twerk contest between a Like a college administrator and a couple other students. I had him up on stage I was like, I'm just gonna have some fun and go crazy with these kids They went nuts because of that because there was like an administrator up on stage Dennis doing twerking. It's like middle-aged dude twerking And then I go to the booth and I'm walking over with Christian from CAA I'm like, I don't know how that went. He's like, that was great. I'm like, I don't know, bro

Like I appreciate it, but as a comedian on the inside. I'm dying a slow death still and I'm offstage Now is it still you got this boots? Yeah So we go to the booth and we couldn't keep up with the people who came to the booth We we were so packed With people coming to meet me and talk to me and I thought I ate such a large dick You got a couple colleges. Yeah, like a whole bunch. Come bless you. That's what I was saying. I like but I thought I did Well, that's I'll tell you if I I still remember doing this fucking room

I used to do for money and I've told Lee about it in the audience in the podcast and Those are the worst nights of my life as a comedian like I was going through something Yeah, really bad at that time. I'm going through the ugly divorce And I would do comedy to take my mind off the divorce I focused on comedy to take my mind off the anger and the frustration and have some place to put it But there was one night a week where I'd have to go do comedy at a place and the beginning was fun But then towards the middle it paid my rent. Yeah contributed to my cocaine habit They put gas in my car the guy took care of me and he fed me

Well, every time I sit there, I'd be Britain my heart would be breaking inside And when I moved from Denver one of the happiest day one of the happiest things I had Was that I knew I never had to go back there again And it was the Elvis impersonator from Vegas. Oh, that was just fat and old and ugly And he would make great pasta, but then he would be an Elvis impersonator in his own restaurant But he liked me and he would give me and another guy work every Wednesday Oh my god We'll have to do sets in between the Elvis impersonator and from time to time one of his friends from Vegas would drop it

And you know what a bunch of fake credits and the guy was horrible and he would sing like a song like I'm gonna do a Frankie Valley do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, my heart would break guys I got nothing against Frankie Valley. I got nothing against Elvis The Elvis impersonators like clowns with some people. They just don't like them ever since got it because I couldn't believe that At that age like it's like me right now at 56 if I said fuck comedy and with this fucking Disgusting body. I'm gonna go be an Elvis impersonator real pop chops and then open up my own restaurant and sing During the show. Oh man. He sounded nothing like Elvis. I'm sure I'm sure he sounded like like I imagine a goat in pain

And when he would try to do Elvis, it was even worse. Oh Oh guys, it was painful painful inside and it was like a small 75 Maybe a small 50. I don't remember what it was. Maybe the small hundred. I don't and sometimes you got tips from the people Oh, you know, it was just heartbreaking to do but I had to do it because it was part of my number Yep for the week. It was part of that goal and Denver had slim pickings, you know, but there's been situations where you go, bro What about penguins? Penguins in Iowa They booked me for a week and then they call me. We got a special night on Wednesdays. We do

Pays like a G note LaRue or something. I'm like a G note. Let's talk about this. Yeah, especially mid-week So I thought it was at the club. It was like you had landed the airport and then take a bottle jumper Oh, damn. I had you must have loved that. Thank God. I had friends that picked me up I'm gonna 40 mile ride. It was a bowling alley That's like that's like a Bill Hicks style. It was a ball now It was a fucking ball and would you perform on the lanes? No Back of the bowling alley while people were bowing. Whoa, could you hear like them hitting balls and strikes? Of course, yeah, and the owner like the owner like guitar acts

So the head the emcee and the feature of guitar acts and the headliner was Oh, man, I music should always end it you want to talk about slow death How to bowl that I remember the owner going I love you man. When can you come back? I'm looking straight Yeah, you're like never you're gonna have to resurrect me from the dead. Come on, man Bring Joe Rogan with you. Listen, if I brought Joe Rogan with me, he would shoot this But how long ago was this? This had to be 90 for two thousand two thousand five. That's not that that's not that long ago I was 13 years ago. I can't believe 2005 was 13 years ago. What the fuck 14 years ago Let's be honest. No, this had to be June of 2005 the longest yard came on May of 2005

That's whole summer. I did a tour like a deep deep. I got an agent In fact, it was Mike Burkowitz. Who's that? Wow? Yeah, you eat now. Yeah, they had an agency in Burbank and Bill Burr got me with him because I said Bill I got this movie coming out Maybe a little opportunity get me into a couple clubs. So Bill called them. They called me and they booked me Straight awesome. Did they and it was just a coke festival. Oh, it was just me going out then Would you just wake up and do blow? No, I would wait till night time like a normal really like a normal I would have a regular life in the daytime. Yeah towards the end. Yeah, I wasn't but would you sleep if you're doing coke at night Doesn't mess up with you. Did you ever sleep? I'll go home in the afternoon take a little nap and lie to people

Don't go home to write. I would step to about four or five I'd sleep from five to about eight thirty get up eat breakfast go do my errands We were saying this before hot like you and you were saying you were happy like you're still alive How are you still alive after you've lived such a hard life? It wasn't a hard life though That but I mean not sleeping and doing blow you'd sleep three four hours That's not enough Joe. I sleep three four and you catch two in the afternoon. You're 30 years old You're built like an iron when you're 30 years old. I started napping in 1995

That's when I was introduced to the nap. I was already 32 fucking years old I dated a stripper that worked till five in the morning So she wanted a stab in the afternoon. I had to take a nap My mom didn't let me nap we came from Cuba my dad died so she was on the run There was no sleeper for me. That is so funny when I was three You smell that fart. Yeah, it's farted. It's tremendous. Oh my god Don't look at me. It's your neck that he takes his face out and pops his breath right into it I can't smell nothing. So that was you had a good experience then. Yeah

Before to show you like I don't know So how many cards did you think you got? I don't know. I mean we got like probably about 45 emails Thank God God bless you, but who I mean who knows how that's gonna turn out because it's still another process But it was a learning it was definitely a learning process and I'd message one of my comedian friends Jamie Lee Who was in the NACA episode of the of crashing? You know Pete Holmes show and I watched that the night before Just to see what their take of it was and it was I texted Jamie

I'm like, yep, I'm at NACA and I'm going through the episode right now Yeah, you want to do what she wanted. Yeah, and she does like, you know, she does rape jokes I told her not to do rape jokes and she's she really a comic. Yeah, Jamie Lee. Yeah, she her character name in that episode is Ali But yeah, I mean her character in that show is really good the show. She's so natural. Yeah, she's so I just saw her the other day I'm like you're acting is so it's so hard to give motherfuckers compliments Like I don't know about you, but like I went to give her I was like your acting is so good And she's like, you know typical comedian just doesn't want to like accept that No, we don't want it. It's like we act just yeah

Yeah, you don't you don't want to accept that you're actually what you're doing is good I'm happy that you get when you see one of your friends on TV I'm it's the greatest Park and you're like god damn It's the greatest thing in the world to see that it really is Just to see people you've grown up in the industry with doing stuff and not you know being stuck working at some nine-to-five with a boss You know yelling into their hummus neck It's so weird

Make the jump once you get the smell of blood Yeah, you get the taste of blood. You're like a shark. You know, you're like, okay. I Want more yep, you know now this is what I have to do cuz everybody thinks oh I have an agent Yeah, you're gonna go get breakdowns you still gotta go meet you do everything you have to do in just Yeah, it's that thing where there's so many other comics that are like Oh, I just need an agent. I just need a manager and then what you think anything changes when you mean nothing changes Nothing changes you and get an agent or manager You have to be the one you have to be the one that's hungry and hustling and emailing and delegating and saying I want to do this

Make this happen. This is my next thing. Put me in the room with this person like you that's why I you know So many of us go nuts because it's like it's so much to consider But you have to be the hot you have to be the core of the hustle from 2000 maybe 99 to 2003 Jimmy Schubert would get breakdown. Yeah, and then email him to me And then I would email him to Joshua. I love you got breakdowns every day. Yeah, okay So that was the first thing I did in the morning. I would wake up from one of those coca-cases I drink some orange juice to be a little coffee. No, I get up at eight. Did you yeah, that's early break down

I get the breakdowns at six. That's that's early for I had to have to break down some my manager by the time We got in the office Wow Whatever I thought I was good for I had to have into my agent on my own Yeah, so I would sit there with glasses is when the breakdowns were 140 pages When you'd sit there for fucking an hour and just with a looking at everything piece of paper and a pen casting director The name of the project the project you want to go in for and then after you write all that down You got a fucking email your manager Submit me for this submit me for that. I'm gonna call this chair jewelry Johnson booked me fine white PD blue

I'll call her office. I know your you know, and now you set the strategy in the office. That was the first thing Never mind stand up. Yeah, like never mind. I know that's a side from that was a side from stand up That's something totally different completely different. It's such a different muscle So it was two hours a day just focusing on acting Yeah, and then shit I would see submissions like if it was something around the corner for me Think if it was something paramount when I lived in Hollywood I'd do it before 9-11 you just go a lot. Yeah I would just go and drop it personally at the fucking office. Hi. How are you doing today? I want to drop this off

the show with That's how I got the show. What's her name? What's the fucking dude Ben Ben Affleck? What's his wife's name Jennifer Lawrence? Jennifer Gardner had a show before a tv show, which was a tough chick. Oh, yeah, alias. Yeah That's all gone alias. I walked on the lot and brought a headshot and the assistant saw me and said you'd be great for a bouncer Wild as she called the casting director the casting director called me direct from the headshot That was part of the hustle and that was your morning hustle That was your hustle from 12. Then you went and met the boys and they'd lunch

And you picked up some shit and you'd have an audition and you bump into somebody they go that they call you into this You know you called in for that They're looking for girls just like you now you have to fucking audition Calling your manager. Yo, I just bumped into a girl that said they're looking for a Blondes for the Pacino movie. Oh, that's that movie silence. Yeah, I already pitched you already. All right Yeah, you're getting the ball rolling. They're on top of things You know, it just doesn't come to your fucking door. It doesn't and now Then after all that you go home and you sit for a half hour write some comedy

Then the store calls you and says you got two spots and then Felipe Sparza. April. What are you doing? There's a gig tonight, bro. Ten o'clock. It pays $40 in a burrito, you know I'll take the 1115 at the store Yep, you got 1115 at the store. You know the store was going to be running late So you had to make it all the way down to orange county all the way back to the store by 11 fucking 15 Same amount of traffic even more. Yeah, sometimes it's like that's when sunset really had a lot of traffic That's when they're moving. That's when they're moving. Yeah, they're going from place to place a lot of traffic They're going to their second location. It was like you would get home at one in the morning and guess what?

At seven o'clock your phone would start. Yeah, Joey grab a pen tomorrow 1115 Sunshine studios you're auditioning for the part of Luke the sides are on So you had to go on a website Pay for a fucking the three pages A dollar a sheet a dollar a sheet that's wild and then 10 cents to print Email it. Oh, no, no, no, it never ended It never ended. I still remember getting sides sent to the store I just sent them to the store because I'll pick them up. Yep. It's my easiest back. It's a it's a best bet

I'm already out. Yep. I'm already out. It's 8 30. That's an extra stop not in this town. You cannot add an extra stop That's four hours round trip anywhere in this town Especially midday But I had a lot of friends who work naka and they were making money But the thing with naka is what happens that eventually you lose your mind. Yeah It's two years of doing material to appease them right and you in dumbing dumbing down what you want to do You want to do? Yeah, but you have a wife and a kid So now you're blowing up inside now you're going on those naka trips

And you're snorting eating pills and doing everything you fucking can Because you can't say fuck that fucking lizard on stage Yeah, you can't say that you gotta make that from your joke. I I still am edgy, but I definitely I mean What happened to nemesh? He was there nemesh told the story about what happened when he got pulled off The college at the stage when he was performing at college remember that what did he say he the joke was somewhere along the lines of

he would pass by this a black gay guy Where he lived i'm probably butchering like the setup But basically there's this black gay guy whose path he would cross regularly and they got him thinking about You know the origins of being gay and like how nobody would choose that You know, um, especially if you're black you wouldn't also want to be gay The joke was how like, you know, being black is enough Why would you also want to be a homosexual? It was basically the the brunt of the joke and that's what got him pulled off stage

They just boomed. No, he got I think someone came up and actually cut off. They cut off his microphone And he told that story at naka I thought that was kind of interesting that he you know Had so much press about that and had the balls at the naka conference to talk about it and to tell the joke again In like there was a couple comedians on the side and this was a date, you know before my conference I just was like that's that's pretty baller. That's pretty badass to

He's like and i'm gonna tell the joke again And he got the same reaction that he said he got before complete silence But we were laughing because the way he told it and how he said it I thought it was a very intelligent Look at what's going on in society But if you can't see beyond your own offense in front of your eyes To what the end goal of that joke is and you're of course, you're gonna be fucking offended. You don't get it You don't get what the fuck he's trying to say

How old are you not just 36? Do you remember getting offended on 18? No I wasn't You know the things I got humbled early In life Not a lot of stuff. I a lot of shit rolls off my back. My mom always called me her california, baby I'm very like laid back And then you know things happen to me in my life where I just I don't get offended

offensive Offense is inaction It doesn't take anything to be offended. You know, it's not It's not uh Effective in change. You know what I mean? It's just it's just a stagnant thing. You're offended. Now what? Because if you're just gonna be offended shut the fuck up But if you're gonna be offended and then maybe Have that

Drive you to do something. Okay. We can have a conversation then but if you're just gonna sit on your computer And troll motherfuckers on the on the internet. I gotta I gotta tell you there's nothing going on for you I don't remember being The only thing that's always still stuck with me Because I'm such a prude deep deep deep down inside. Are you? Yeah, very much so. Wow, I think so your religious background. Yeah, I think that it And I had I had a challenge it. Yeah, like if I was supposed to be raised how I I

I would listen to them. I'm not supposed to like gay people Because of my religious beliefs and My cuban beliefs, right? I didn't believe like that. Right. That wasn't mine. That's that's stupid Because you were taught that my mother's side was like, no, they're they're men They're human beings The other side of the cuban Machismo right machine very cultural is very no, no, we don't speak about it. We don't talk about it I chose not to

Even go that way But the only thing that bothers me. Let me tell you what really bothers me. Yeah condom commercials on tv Period commercials. Yeah, period commercials and bother me bother me too. Since I was a child That's the only thing that's really what bothers you about it. Like when you say it bothers you Especially if there's a woman in the room, what bothers you about it? Like like what do you feel like like what? Feel that Like is it unnecessary? I'm alone

If I'm alone, you switch to commercial, right? But if there's a woman in the room and I'm not having sex with it It makes me feel very uncomfortable Like what kind of period commercial like like anything like tampon commercials. Yeah, like a tampon commercial It drives it makes you uncomfortable. If I come over to your house and your boyfriend invites me off of football Yeah, and we're eating chips and we're smoking dope When the tampon commercial, come on. Yeah, you won't hear a peep out of me because I'm inside boiling I'm just boiling inside

And also do we need tampon commercials like at this point doing it's a football game Why is there fucking unless somebody got kicked in the twat? Why am I seeing it, you know, but also don't we like do we need toilet paper commercials? We got it. Don't we got it? Don't we have it by now like we understand what toilet paper we like People gotta wipe their ass So what it what it you don't like that it bleeds or what I just feel I don't like that it bleeds That I have a woman in the room

And I gotta know her secrets. So yeah, you're you're so okay. I gotta ask a question She knows that you know, I don't want her to know that I fucking know Okay, so if when like your wife or you're in a relationship Do you not want to know do you not like want her to talk about her period with you? I'm just asking okay I don't want to know nothing and what about do Does it annoy you if a girl you're in a relationship with your wife if they fart in front of you? No, that doesn't bother you. No, I love that's a paradox to me. Do you think that's a pair? That's weird um that one thing

To me those things are mutually exclusive the period thing doesn't bother me the period thing to me is like, you know When you're driving and you see a stop sign. Yeah, that's what I see Just blood red. Yeah, mine's more like a one steak sauce. That's what I think of yeah, you're welcome That's why I don't like touching it looking at it I don't want to Brown shit what your neck smells like when you shoot somebody in the head to get that brown blood Are you stab them that brown blood? That's what it is. It's dark blood. That's it. It's oxygenated Once I see that shit. I go down like a bag of potatoes. That's so interesting that you'll eat asshole, right?

You'll eat ass but not as long as there's no blood around it. Wow That's interesting. Yeah, some blood comes out. Fuck it. Let's do it. It's a party. It's my blood No, no, no, I don't want to see no blood down there, but you don't mind farts. See I That's the only times I've had sexual woman and she said that we're all coked up or something And she said to me I'm at my end of my period And you're like no I put in a dick in there with a condom in the early 80s like an age And I've gone to the bathroom And I've taken my condom off and there's a little blood on my condom

You have no idea like I want to go out there and stab her If I go pee and blood comes out of my pee because my suction and my pee After I nut it. Yeah, but this shit is okay. Shit is okay coming out of your dick But I've never put my dick in a woman's ass and shit came out. But if you did Bloods never come out if you did if you did do, you know, bone a girl in a butt Yeah, and then there was some shit on your dick. Can you be cool with that? You want to have the same visceral reaction? I would go wash it off. That's so strange I wouldn't embarrass a woman and tell her you got shit in your ass. Just what if she bled on your dick?

Would you would you freak out? I wouldn't say would you like you daemon you? I thought I was in the business to embarrass a woman. I didn't really want to embarrass one Like why don't you fucking tell me that you were bleeding from your pussy? I mean, no guy wants to hear putting that Right context number one. I asked you Like if you said to me i'm on day two of my period You're sucking dick Like i'm ever getting coked up duly noted. Yeah, just know that The first second third fourth fifth day

And then those are the dangerous days five days after that where there's no blood But I can smell the calcium in your and your pussy. Oh, yeah, it's it's all metallic of the blood like all that It smells like gunpowder. It smells like a it smells like napkin. So for two or three days It smells like gunpowder down there Whatever the fuck comes out of a pussy lips now and then it's fresh again But I know and then people I know this is offensive language of some people We're just talking the truth here You want to show about the truth? This is the truth. Yeah, you know, so for me

There's a lot of men including lee But I've spoken with that appreciate of a vagina when a woman's bleeding. They said they think the sex is better Women I didn't say I said I don't care He doesn't care because a lot of girls get hornier on their period on that period Yeah, there's like days before and then you know right around. I don't I mean I if it's really bloody That's kind of I just take a shower. I always take a shower after Uh, except for your neck. Yeah, I have a plastic wrapper on my neck to keep the smelling but It's uh, I don't I really don't care. I I use a condom. Maybe if it was like

I don't go like one super head but like I don't like I don't I'm like don't touch me. I'm like, don't touch me. It's my period My mother put a my mother put a thing when I was a kid I would clean the bar and I fucking stuck my hand in the tin where they put the periods In the 70s, you would have a tin next to your toilet. Yeah. Yeah, we still have those you put your period Yeah, my mother told me there was a treasure in there one day. I stuck my hand and I came out With a coat text. It wasn't like a softball In the 70s coat texts were thick

So when you pulled the models and having a softball in your fucking head the chick was as big as you You had a towel on your foot. It's like I shot you in the pussy. There was so much Co-tex so that jizzled me right there. I fainted that That jizzled me right there and then is that a combination of chiseled and just like it just it just shattered my central nervous system It takes a lot to shatter kids and central nervous system That's after my father died Like, you know, I was okay. I was just getting better And I put my hand in that fucking box and I pulled that period out with that co-tex

And I just sat there like How bad is this because I put two and two together because my mother my mother had that shock Now I did not know this till now till today I did not know this my mother had that shock that women get when you put shit in that pussy toxic shocks in him Yeah, so my mother used to use he was so Cuban and so country That my mom had a roll of cotton in the bathroom Wow, she would just rip cotton off and double it up and put it in a snatch when I was a kid Oh my god, I don't even like to taste the cotton

Like the only thing I cotton I wear is white t-shirts And I still get them on a lukewarm like like q-tips. I gotta wet them before I put them in my ear Because I don't like to touch a cotton the touch the feel of cotton. I don't like the fabric of his life He doesn't like I would have made a bad slave. I don't touch cotton. Yeah, it's it is a weird I would have been shot the first day Dog I don't you took me out of Africa to pick cotton. Listen. I rather touch dynamite. I don't like cotton I'll build a wall. I'll do anything. I'll fucking cook Chinese food. I don't like the touch of cotton ever I wet q-tips before I put it in my ear. That's how much I make you keep track of all these rules because

I don't like fucking cotton. I've never liked cotton Oh, so now my mother dies. I'm gonna get so much cotton my mother dies. That's a script tonight. My mother dies. I'm 16 And I'm a weekend to morning. My mother's probably dead two weeks 10 days And I get a call from a girl that me and her and fooled around before no sex A little swampy spitty finger in a suckling titty. Whoa Swapping spit. Yeah, you know making out And the pool shit like that. I can suck in no fucking no fucking no no no She wouldn't even sell I wouldn't even ask at that age

I would not ask a woman to even consider sucking my dick because you're you're gentle at 13 14 15 If you suck my dick you got cut off Right, that's how much of a catholic through that. Wow So I called she called me out and she goes how you doing? I heard about your mother Like oh good and she goes you mind if you Do you are you in the mood? I was like, yeah, like we hadn't been together in probably two years. We started more like 14 We messed around for about three months and then we broke up because we both she went to a different

She went to franklin and I went to mckinley and I didn't really see her that much anymore And after my mother died she reached out and called me and said Do you want to see me tonight? Yeah, it was cold as shit. My mother died november 8 So give it 10 days after that. It was freezing on the east coast She lived on 44th street and I lived on 38th street. I had to walk six blocks to 44th street and get it I mean, it's worth it for the pee. I had to walk all the way back to my house. We get upstairs We got a couple of those fucking wine coolers We go upstairs

Stay with me. So right. I don't give a fuck. She's she after my mother died She would just drink all day and back cooked me dinner then pass out of the pain She would just go on my mother's bedroom go to sleep. Is it who is that your sister? She was my mother's best friend So I remember walking up the stairs bringing her in the room. We made out a little bit. I put her to the fire You know, I had some games You're romantic at heart, aren't you at that at that age? I was not You just smash it. No after a while you like you seem like you have a romantic. No, I like the holding hands I don't like the roses on the bed. I'm not the type. I don't want to take a tub with you. I got that much time

I'll You'd be snuggling in a tub and then we go our own way that those people you see in the tub is two hours holding on to each other That's two hours is a lot. Yeah, that's never been me. It's a lot. It I would be uncomfortable for longer than 10 I'm a little horny At the time I had sex but not really And it was my opportunity this girl was putting on a silver platter. Yeah I took the shoes off I took each leg off of pants

And then what panties I got on top of we dry humped a little bit And then I pulled back and I'm about to take my pants off and I start she goes you take my panties on hold on And I'm about to take a panties off and I just look down And she's got this fucking pad in between her legs And when I pulled out the underwear you ever go to the joker house, you know the house of love You ever go to the house of love in a roller coaster, you know at the house? Yeah, the house of love Yeah, it goes and there's always a guy at the end they go

Yeah, and his tongue is real long. Yep when she the the cotax popped out of the underwear like a joker tongue And it was filled with blood And I held her legs and I popped up like it was like a fucking Like it had a disease I go do you have your period and she goes yeah, but it's only day one or day two. I go you got Put those panties back on And she goes why go because I can't see blood It was a disturbing night to me dog. I was pissed off. Was that the first time you ever seen blood in that?

That was the first time I saw context in that context She was on the period And I said you got to put your pants back I don't want to say her name because she's past and I loved that she was a great friend She was a good friend to me after my mom died I put her panties back on her jeans and then we talked a little bit And she asked me why didn't I like it and I told I just don't like blood I don't do it needles nothing. She goes. Oh, I'm not going needles either

And then we walked home On the way home I was pissed off because my dick was blue. Yeah, your balls are blue Your dick was mad at you. I still remember that that's weird that is talking about it's a ride of that I still remember one night I came home and I was Balls tripping On acid when I tell you how much how far after your mother's death was it? This was two weeks after my mom died like about 10 days after my mom died. It's like experiencing I saw experimenting with the acid. It was working. It was the one thing that

Made me face it It made you face it. How it made me face it through the trip Through the trip and then Immediately a pink Floyd put a song on in the war called mother And then fucking Ozzy came out with a solo album Mother please forgive them. They know not what they do. So I put those albums on and trip out and do the acid and trip out and Just try to put what happened together. How much acid would you do in one sitting? like back then back then

You're like 14 you said I was about I was 16 And what and was it like a I was doing it for about a year now the kids I hung out with Would do a hit on fridays Maybe a hit it was mescaline in those days. It was a little dot a little Acid dot little dot dot. Just put it right on your tongue You put it right on your tongue let it dissolve 45 to one hour you're going and how long was that high for you? How long was that trip 10 hours? Wow And are there peaks and valleys in that trip? Yes, and are they high highs and low lows high highs low lows where you're like, come on Lee

Let's go eat Yeah, the acid's going away And then we'd stop and we'd let's smoke and join and you smoke and as you walked into the diner in the hot air way You you were back. Wow. Now you would hear the fucking eggs frying it. Wow, and you would hear every fork Wow, and you're like, I don't think I'm hungry no more cancel out And we'd walk out of there and then we'd walk again for another two miles, you know And then we'd sit somewhere like I still remember going to a cemetery and sitting in the cemetery We would push ourselves. Yeah to each other to go get into bad situations on those trips

but I only knew one guy who really had a bad trip And what is joe luch? What was a bad trip like put his arms through the fucking board of education window? Wow when it cut his veins and his arm and the other people he would with were tripping And they didn't know how to react imagine for us. So he had tripping our balls I mean, please forget about at least I had not a space I'm talking about where we just give you two hits of acid and we're smoking pot with a little bit of beer

And you're just that flag is melting. Our face is melting. Our hair is turning different colors These lights are turning different colors. You go into a vortex For a little while you go into a giggle vortex where you start giggling at 10 o'clock and it's 11 40 And you're still really about a fart or about something really you let you laugh that long I've never done acid for an hour. You just laugh and laugh and laugh and then you're like, oh Okay, thank god that was gone and let's go to your house And who's at your house my grandma and she's sleeping. Let's go over there. But also that night That's the night the grandma decides she's got insomnia

So we walk in your house the acid hits her and she starts talking to us about 1960 and about Sinatra And now you're tripping your balls off now. You got another hour of dealing with that Then you get out of there and it would have peaks and valleys like you go Thank god, that's all it sounds like a nightmare. It was but when you're with your friends, you got no curfew New York City was wide open. Yeah the woods by our house is wide open We traveled in packs of six. Yeah, you know, I'm saying with two chicks and nobody was fucking the two chicks They were our goobas You know and they want to do acid with us and go behind like we do ask and go into the woods

And look at the mood and then you know, we had a black friend. He was Dominican And we had a black friend. He was Dominican, but we called him Louis or whatever Yeah, the nigga, but he was really Dominican and we give me a little piece of that orange and we get fucked up Let me give you a little piece of orange. Yeah, that's tremendous. Isn't it good. It's a sumo. Enjoy yourself Which is vitamin c. Yeah, it's really good for you. You want some more lee? Let me tell you how hard we've been tripping at that age We would blow pot smoke into his afro And sit there and if you blow pot smoke into an afro About three minutes later the smoke rises out by itself and we'd be tripping our ass

So we'd be going look at it. Look at it. Look at that Look at the snow Look at that the way it turned into snow and all different colors And it would always start with streaks like we'd be walking the street and the car would go past you Yeah, and you just go. Oh my god because the lights The car would stop and is there always Peaks in valleys or are there sometimes just all peaks and sometimes all valleys sometimes it's a peak and it's a

Like a fucking two hour peak and then it goes it just depends on the dosages Where you're at? I'm sure and I've always I gotta tell you something the last 20 years I've become a pussy like I didn't do it And then we did the acid podcast with arie. Yeah, that was light acid It was good acid. Yeah, but it was light acid. Yeah, you're not you're not breaking through. You're not breaking through Between you and I I don't have it to break through. Yeah, it would break me now At this age it would break you think so. Yeah, I think it would go deep and bring up some skeletons But I forgot all about your skeletons are showing up to your shows. Oh my god. That was

First of all, I was It's so weird how I put it up on face. I put it up on twitter today facebook can handle it I put it up on my twitter. I was like, what is this real? And I'm really happy it showed up when we hugged We hugged for about four minutes and without communicating When he was telling me And I and we're talking about the guy kidnapped in 87 He showed up to the shows this last weekend in tucson, which the shows were great in tucson in vegas

Thank you if you came out this treasure island But the fox dealer I've been trying him to get him to shows in tempe Because he lives in tucson. Yeah, and he always tells me I come but he's got a sick mom And I don't think he ever really dealt with it. Well this weekend. I was in his backyard. He couldn't get out of it When I got there, I'm surprised he didn't call to do dinner So when I got to the show, I said, you know what now, we know the truth He doesn't want to see me. I don't blame yeah And right after the show and the guy came up to me

This is ken bell is here to see and I was so happy And I almost and when I first saw him I almost was driven to tears Then I hugged them And we didn't have to say nothing Isn't that amazing? I could feel what he was telling me And I know what I was telling him. Yep You know, you don't have to fucking write it on twitter or come down. No, he needs to see it And it was uh, I forget you know, I said, I'm sorry for what I did. It was really douchey

And you know, he was like I put myself in that position. You know, wow You know, I could feel his body what he was yeah Accountability we talked about You know what happened to us over the years who he still spoke to It was very he's a really interesting guy. What is he doing now? He sells solar panels Wow, he's a manager of the solar panel planes. That's the future. He was always at great sales. Yeah He was just lost just like I was and he was hanging out with a crew That you had to make a certain amount of dough

Like you at like a limit he was hanging out with a crew that They're your friends and they'll cover for you But you want to cover for yourself. Yeah You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you want to go out with them from time to time and go joey Let me put They would they would never ever but to be part of that crew you had to have a bmw Wow, you know their father owned the bmw deal So all the kids that that's a lot of pressure

So he had he came from the other side of boulder, you know what I'm saying He hung out with these kids. He hung out with jill goodacre Who the fuck is joe goodacre jill goodacre is married to harry connor jr. Jill goodacre Joe goodacre is from boulder like the wrong side of the track. No, no, no She's from the right side of the tracks and boulder. She got hired for victoria's secret out of boulder Let me tell you something. She went to the same high school. I think it's fair view It was called and that's who sent out the core brothers into the nfl kevin core was an outstanding

Offensive lineman for the bbc courts for years or pro that high school had something wow and this kid came from that whole Wishy washy thing and we sold cars at a place called bill kraut subarus I had worked At this dealer as a car washer for this body shop Yeah, and all they did was cars from this this group called the kraut's car group At that time they had honda subaru lexus They had a couple different Chains of cars monster

They had a couple different boulder Things and I washed cars from but whenever I would drop them off at a particular dealer The guy would always go bro. When are you gonna quit washing cars and sell fucking cars? You're killing yourself for 200 miles a week. Yeah, seriously They were all gangsters from jersey the guy's name was peter pinto peter pinto yeah So he kept bugging me bugging me until one day he was short on salesman

And he said hey monday. I want to see you at eight o'clock. I didn't know what to do On a saturday morning. I dropped off a car and he goes I'm short salesman monday put a shirt to show up And I had to call the body shop monday morning. I can't come in there I'll be in there tomorrow And I went there my first day. I read the pamphlets and I went at that sold three cars. No, you did not fuck. Yeah And I went and borrowed 500 from my so-called mother-in-law And bought two suits and two white shirts and I quit the body shop

And I went to work at this bill crowd Subaru and I put my head to the ground stone the first month. I made like 7 000 I was snorting coke. I was going to cocos. I was eating fucking Fucking tremendous. I I bought more suits in the second month. I went in there and sold like 16 fucking cars And got like 4 000 dollars and cash bonuses then I went in the third month and sold another 16 cars Well, I made another like 10 000 dollars in the fourth month. Guess what happened you sold more cars No, I got smart You started stealing. No, I got stupid. I got too smart When you want to be a good salesman, you don't know that

Shut your mouth. I don't know how much for the car. I don't know. I gotta ask my manager I'm I don't know What's the weight? I don't know you're selling Then when you get cocky, you think you know everything you go away from the game plan So the fourth month I fell on my face and I couldn't handle the rejection So I quit like a pussy, but that guy Ken Vella worked over there with a dude named Carlos La Verdi A string of fucking killer salesmen

They were killers bro. They would manipulate your mind So you couldn't sell cars Oh, yeah, that's the number like so that they would sell more Sharks if you're a good salesman, they'll come up to you. Let's fuck with Lee today. Go jesse What's that? I don't know about working at this place. Yeah, no this place sucks We do know can we it's called pissing on your leg So we piss on your leg and then jesse may leaves and I come over and piss on your leg for a little while And it's called cracking it talking about sad things the puppy got hit by a car today

And sometimes it backfires on you because then you get sad It's called pissing on somebody's leg and you piss on that leg until you get them out of the game So that's one less guy. I gotta worry about Jesus. That's terrible. So it's you and me against the world He's at home grieving about some fucking hand. But the dog the dead dog. Yeah, but the guy who got hit with a wheelchair He got it. They hit him with a ukulele 15 times. It's hysterical So we got him out of the game. These guys were professional torture chambers They anything to get your mind out of the game so they could sell They caught coffee like if they saw Excel a guy in the lot

They caught you and go the manager wants to see it and you go to see the manager What's up, and then they bite he don't want to see you and he went and got the up That's why you had to stay in your ground. I let you learn a lot by self. Yeah So when I went there, it was his due Carlos Valverde go look him do it from Boston I didn't know he was on heroin the whole time. Yeah, he was on heroin that is that how he would sell He would sell on heroin and he in the lunch time He always disappeared then one day the cops came and told us they arrested him for bank robbery He had robbed six banks in the area or something to that effect

This place was fucking wild This place had like eight settlement sounds like a show two of them were cool like legit white people The other six were all ex-cons I feel like the best Salesman so I quit there because my ego couldn't take it and I went to Chrysler Plymouth And I met a Jew named Art Pressler. That was a badass fucking junior. You want to sell? But he sold coke too Well, he was selling cars. Oh, yeah, so would it be in the trunk? No, he would just sell it from his desk

Wow There'd be four salesmen there. I learned how to fucking that's why I want to piss on people's like the top salesman He had his favorite pen It was a red cross pan So when he saw it up, he would run out there and talk to the right when he went to sell the car He'd bring him in and steal the red pen And fuck up his whole day and then he'd be looking. Where's my lucky red pen? Where's my lucky red pen? Fuck where's my lucky? He'd be looking in the cars. It would break him. It would break him. He'd have to go home a pen

I would take his it would take him out of his game I mean if a pen's taking out a game were you ever in the game? Oh my god, and then again, he would get it up I'd steal his pen This went on I worked there for maybe five months and you put it back. Would you just put it back? No, I stole I stole I got him for about 30 maybe 31 pens Wow When I put them all in a rubber band and they had those inverted ceilings Yeah, and I put them in the ceiling and the day I quit I gave them all the pens back and he was like you motherfucker

I've been looking all over for these I had that dealership. I was called Hollis to Chrysler Plymouth Let me tell you how much of a slime ball that was I had the keys to the solar machine If things were bad, I'd just rob the solar machine all the quarters How the hell'd you get the keys? It was in the fucking secretary's desk. So I stole and made duplicates. How do you get a key? Oh, my Joey bananas, I told you I would eat people live for lunch in those days Joey bananas, you're the reason why they invented cameras. I've said it before you are you 100%

Joey Diaz, you're the reason for security cameras. I 100% I wholeheartedly agree with that So I was doing well at the Chrysler store But the cocaine was killing me. It was too accessible There was no more calling a guy. I would just have to go into work Sell a car at 11 and I felt nobody grandma blow How much was a grandma blow event? It was a hundred, but it was tremendous. He was getting good coped as hard I don't even know how much a hundred grand is now. She was a bad motherfucker. It was a great sale He taught me how to sell really good. So now I was prepared to go back to crouch with the killers

So I went back to crouch in november I went back november first. I started the month off straight. They gave me a car. I put him together for a car a thousand dollar advance Because I was good. Yeah, I'm back to crouch And then one day I read I'm reading the paper like two days after I'm back at crouch I'm reading the paper by the guy who fucking broke on a the cops arrest him for a DUI And while he was in the police custody at the hospital, he broke away broke into the pharmacy Stole several bags of pills and other

Undamed drugs and he jumped out the window and the cops caught him or something like that in the next day Two days later this kid comes out a lot And his name is ken veller and they go veller's coming back today and he comes back and he had stitches on his lip And I go what happened because I was the guy that was arrested He had the handcuffs still on like the red was around his wrist still So he's telling me this whole story about how he broke out of the hospital. He stole the liquor cocaine. He fucking drank it I mean this guy was nuts. I mean

You know, I was watching scarface last night. It was on sundance. They said the line to social because I never fucked nobody over Did they have a common tool? I fucked him over, but he didn't have a common tool. He was just at the bad place At a bad time, right? And this is after 32 years what I've come up with what I remember Who I was the type of person. I mean, I'm telling you I would steal the fucking soda machine Like I had 19 The soda machine guy wouldn't take the money out

He would leave singles and dollars and then he would try to mint the hundreds The first time I went in there was like $1,100. I couldn't believe what I took my 200 Then I came back two weeks later. It was like 1300. I took another 200 It was crazy. So I was just duking them for hundreds like an ATM. That's what I called it the ATM Would you ever take a can of coke also I take everything whatever I wanted in the morning a couple sodas for later A sprite in a in a 200 So when I went back, he told me this that he was the guy that got arrested

And that his bail was high and gebhart got him out the guy who owned cars He did. Yeah, the guy who owned the car dealership Bail them out But he was running on the bail. He goes, I'm running on the bail. I'm not doing time for that They offered me four years. I'm not gonna do so I go what are you gonna do? And he goes, well, I'm staying with this guy. He's got two kilos of coke. He's holding But we have to do this quickly Because the guy he's holding the coke for is coming back to get it

The guy's name is randy chambers his roommate So Right away that looked at my curiosity You know when I was in bolder long enough My friends were in new york having a good time. Yeah, they were doing eight balls. They were going to clubs here I am in this fucking town with these fucking Gentiles I had a nice girlfriend with a family, but this was not really happy. That wasn't enough. I wanted you needed to be almost dying

Yeah, like I could pool of cocaine power wasn't enough and the coke I was stealing and Because you're chasing something I left the two I lived in a house of three people was a four bedroom house and it was Two guys me and a chick the chick was hot She was a redhead and she had a little part-time living boyfriend But I get coked up at night knock on our dog give her two lines and we'd be working that little I was a demon dog. I mean, I was a demon. I mean, I had a girlfriend. I was a demon You know, you're consuming consuming consuming consuming is what I did. Yeah sold cars

You were a locus. So when he told me he was going to rob this guy Can I move the coke from He moved the two kilos absolutely I got some guys an aspen that'll fucking take that off your hands quickly And I called my guys and asked me what am I doing? I'm just gonna rob this fucking guy So I called my partner and crying from jerseys. What am I doing? I'm just gonna rob this guy. I'm gonna broke this deal I'm gonna broke what am I doing? I shouldn't do this. You're like, what am I a fucking broken doing myself?

So I said fuck it. I'm gonna call a friend of mine and I'm gonna fly him out of here And we're gonna take this guy down in Jersey style and then we'll go back to New Jersey. I'll leave this chick And I'm done with this life. I'm lying to myself. I'm not a car sales. I'm a code dealer I want to go back with my friend's dog. I miss my friends. I missed The life. Yeah, I missed all that craziness. I didn't want to do this shit Insanity. I was 25 years old and I was done My friends are going up to hunt the mountain snorting coke every week and eat quailutes And I'm out here watching the Denver Broncos. Give me a fucking break. I don't want to be

Making 10 grand a month seven grand a month So I said, okay, and I went to a guy that I bought weed from and coke And this guy was a fucking moron Just a typical fucking moron He had every accessory a loser could have You know what I'm saying pinkie on the jacket Tattoo on the forearm when he rolled the jacket up so you could see the tattoo You know this is 87 guys way before the tattoo revolution

He had done time. He had tinted windows. He had a loud stereo. He had a fucking pit bull Dude, how about strip clubs so far? I'm I'm eight for eight. He was just myself But I bought drugs from so I went up to him. He said he ran with some bikers I know from biker do it. So I I said, okay I want to rob this dude and he's like, okay. I'm in blah blah blah Now his motivation for stealing robbing this guy. It was completely different than mine. Yeah, what was his his motivation was? He had met a stripper That danced at a nude place not even the topless place

A nude place was by ob the chick was tremendous. I saw her a couple times with She left her husband And she was sleeping in his house now Oh, man, he gave her his bed and he slept on the couch And he professed his love to her but she told him she loved him also Bullshit, but she was a catholic I'm what and for her to strip her and then a catholic for her to sleep with him He would she would have to get a divorce that she didn't feel comfortable

It was against her religious beliefs. I mean six hours ago. She had a snail trail going down a pole How much is your divorce? It was $10,000 And he needed the $10,000. He was gonna rob this guy with me to give this girl the money Pussy so powerful so she could get a divorce and fuck him Pussy is so powerful. She slept on his couch for six weeks. He slept on his couch because she was good. She lived in the bedroom Getting her life together bringing other guys over there, you know, like just the guy was a fucking idiot So I take him I set him up his mother owned a lot of real estate in bold She was like a rental and he said he had an open house. He goes

Why don't you bring him over there and we'll rob him over there? So my plan was to fucking like to be real easy. My plan was to bring him over there Show him some cash make him go back get the coke And when he came back, we just handcuffed him and put him on a bus We gave him like $2,000 and said get on a fucking bus It's over for you Don't come back and we'll shoot you that was the original plan I mean that even sounds risky that plan sounds risky too. Oh, it was horrible

So and I was the setup guy I'm the setup guy. I mean, aren't you nervous thinking about all that like leading up to that moment I'm shitting my pants. Just listening to the story Listen, I didn't make it all this way because I didn't have balls of steel I know stupid And I had balls of fucking stupid. You can have balls of steel and also be apprehensive about That sort of scenario in my life. There was no apprehension. You weren't even thinking I was 25 And I was chasing a lifestyle that didn't exist. Yep

I thought that this lifestyle would it would include me in that club, right? And that was all that money was going to do is ruin me right did that's all that money at that age would do And so the so you plan to meet this guy at the house to meet this guy at 145 on november 18th to one o'clock at his house And then drive him to the other guy's house my partner in the kidnapping Tell him everything was kosher And then do what I said drive him back Bring him back and do the exchange. Tell him it was a ripoff. I'm getting ripped off also

Put someone in his pocket my pocket You don't drop me off on a corner kick me out of the car Punch me in the mouth Make it look good make it look good and then get rid this guy in a fucking bus That was the deal No, I go to pick up the guy and go upstairs Right away when I got upstairs he takes me into the room. We want to line yet He gives me a line of the coke and right when he opens the drawer. It's a grinder

And it's $2,000 And the grinder was rocks Because in those days the grinder To grind up coke had a compartment that you could take the top off and put a lid on it And you could hold a fucking half ounce in there. Right So when he opened the grinder There was fucking a half ounce in there I saw with my eyes he took a rock out

We grinded it. We used to the line and I could see the I go how much cash is then he goes $2,000 Because I'm going to take that too So he already had a plant So all right, let's go let's go over take a sample from the roof He took a rock out and he was going to bring it to my guy My guy whips out a fucking machine gun And he's like joey tie him up and I'm like this wasn't the plan you dumb motherfucker This wasn't the plan you stupid fuck

So now I had to turn joey on So now I'm sitting here with the guy. He goes, I'll leave him with you and I go over there and see what's over there I I grabbed Bella and Bella didn't tell him where the kilos were and neither did I I go it's over there somewhere But there's money in the drawer and there's coke in the fucking grinder. I didn't tell him how much I wanted him to tell me right so when he walked in the door, he said I didn't find any coke There was just a gram in the grinder And there was only 300 dollars cash

So I go really And he goes, yeah, and he started smacking valor whatever tells when the coke is and Bella goes, I don't know I don't know and I said, you know what fuck this shit right there Is when I realized that that dude was robbing me. Yeah, so I go, you know what fuck this is your mother's house You figure out what to do with him And he goes, you better not leave me. I'm gonna shoot you And I remember walking towards the door and I turned around like oh, you know the fucking balls to shoot me And I went out to my car and I had a gun in the trunk

At an old nine millimeter beautiful one that had paid like 600 dollars for an ass And for a second, I'm like, I'm gonna shoot both these motherfuckers Because I know what time is I'm gonna go to jail right now. I knew I was going to jail right at that moment I knew there was no coming back. I was already in deep I looked at the clip I cocked it And it was like god Just stepped in and said don't Just get in your car and also my mind raced. I go, let me go get the coke

I'll come back for these dumb fucks. I went through the fucking gun in the trunk And I went over there you went back in I went back to the guy's apartment Doorman to the apartment building. I just saw me with vella coming out And then tidwell went over that With his keys I didn't take the keys from tidwell tidwell thought I was leaving

So I basically went over there the doorman opened the door for me I walked to the elevator pressed the button I walked to the floor And when I made that turn around the elevator, I knew what apartment I was going to And I just kicked the fucking door down The door went flying off the fucking hinges with no gun No, just your dick gun. No, I had my gun in my I put my gun in my waist. Yeah I knew the guy wasn't there. He worked as a service guy at some car dealership. Yeah

But my gorilla foot kicked that door and the whole fucking floor hurt And I went in and they had one of those ceilings that holds up those tiles that you could push up Yeah, old school. Yep, I jumped up like a gorilla And I because I knew was under one of those tiles. I just didn't have time to look under each one and get a chair You know, I just kicked at the fucking door. It's hanging from the fucking hinges I mean, I kicked them old thing and everything up. Like I just gorilla kicked that fucking door That's what adrenaline's called. That's what it's called when somebody's in the pinch. I just gorilla kicked that door And when you're on coke too, no, but I mean you can you can have that energy

I just don't know. No, I had done one little line because I wanted to be alert I had done like one little tiny line. I had done nothing. The adrenaline had blown that coke out of the wall There's no coke involved. I just grabbed that fucking ceiling and ripped it down like a gorilla And it just uh, that was a boom I felt the two little things and they were wrapped in columbian newspaper wrapped with the duct tape And I basically put it under my arm and walked out of there and people were in the hallway Like people in the hallway really going what's going on? I just walked out. I didn't care if they saw my face in that I would you would you do with the coke? I went out I put in the trunk of my car and I took off

I made a u-turn And I hit it under a newspaper bed right on canyon. You ever open up a newspaper? Yeah, you call it? Yeah, look underneath There's a little stash. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah That's what we'd hide our coke in the old days when you deliver the kilo You don't want nobody to see you or half a kilo or an ounce you hit it in the newspaper bins So when you open up a newspaper, that's why my dad always went there when you open up a newspaper No, don't look at the newspapers. Look at that the bin underneath. There's a retirement plan under there

A lot of people they know in the 70s. They'd leave the quarters in there for the week What like they hit some people leave quarters. You just didn't look you were lazy. Wow We just pulled one newspaper out you fucking dummy. There's so I hit it under there I called my buddy at work. I told him to get a car from his dealership Put fake plates on and take the coke to aspen I said take a chunk out and drop it off by the house. What do you mean by a chunk? I don't know break a fucking piece off the kilo and put it in the bag And drop it off for me and then he dropped it off

And then he went up to aspen and I sat there thinking while I was on telecops Now whatever my next move I had cash coming back from the kilos So I was good. I just had to stake it out for two or three days and I'd have money So I knew the cops would be looking for me when who maybe the guy was gonna look for me who owned the coke I knew somebody was coming to my house. So I said, why worry about it? Let me get this coke go crusty to the bar and have a couple cocktails And I went over to the bar and a couple cocktails and I went back to the house and drank and I got so coked up I passed out

And I woke up on the couch to blazing brent hazing Knocking on the fucking door going joey open the fucking door the cops are looking for you. You like get that 10 minutes And I opened the door. What's going on? He was fucking they got this dealership surrounded Cops all up there looking for you. What'd you do? I don't know. I don't know the managers The managers holding them off. They're telling them. They don't know what your address is but they're coming So I grabbed everything and me and brent and I went up to the corner. It was like a King supers. That's a supermarket chain. Yeah in bold and I went there and I called my girlfriend

I told her what I had done It backfired the cops are looking for me and she's like, I'll come get you and I checked my pockets And I realized I didn't have my weed with me I left without my weed. So I walked around the back of the neighborhood Jumped in my house. Oh my god sitting in front of my house I jumped in took my weed and my pipe And I left I you went back for your weed when the cops are at the house Just to let you know the state of mind now. Wow

But that night before Before I left to get coked up. There was a knock on my door and it was Tidwell My partner. Yeah And he had Vella in the trunk of the car already and he came on when he goes. Hey Okay, you got me but we still got to make money. I need money for that divorce And he goes as a Guy with a pound of hash staying at a hotel up the road Let's go take that like no, you go take that you're on your own

And he goes if you don't fucking come with me or some shit, I'm gonna call the cops or whatever the fuck it was And I just pulled my gun on him Let's just leave my property don't don't ever fucking come back here because I knew I was already in trouble I didn't know what was gonna happen And you know what I'm gonna tell you what happened? Nothing the guy was driving Vella to the bus station And it was a bad neighborhood he was driving without his head lights on

And he got pulled over You would have gotten pulled and the fuck over I wouldn't have been in the car. I would have never been in that car I was his job. Yeah, I don't put myself in a car like that. That's that that's why I never stole a car I don't like stolen cars because you got no no alibi. Yeah, you're in the car. You're already in the car You're you're you're you're screwed So when he said license registration, you heard Hmm the guy was in the back of the trunk and they opened up the trunk and and Vella never read it Here's what you guys got to remember Vella the victim never read it. It was Tidwell that told him everything

So just remember that that's how And then I got sentenced and the whole thing and then I came out and I how long what was your sentence? Six years zero to six No, no you had a work would have reconsidered With a reconsideration no But after 120 days I could send in a reconsideration. No reconsidered my sentence and did they yes to four years department of Was it the first time you start time? Yeah, that was the only time wow

Then I came out. I didn't bump into them. I went back to New York I got into calm. I got out of 90. I got into comedy in 91 I fell on my ass in 93 and when I came back in 94 I brought coke from I bumped into a bar in Boulder And I brought coke from oh my full circle, but he was like he was so fucked up and he had a scar on his face Like what happened? He goes after you kidnapped me. I got kidnapped again He was like in a you know, he was just in a cycle. Yeah, you know, and that's who you guys got to remember You get stuck in that shit. He was in a drug cycle. He was hanging out with major drug dealers

People pulling guns and all that shit. He's stuck in that life. It was just a nice white guy from Boulder You know, he didn't want no fucking problem He was just a nice white guy from Boulder looking for love in all the wrong places Did he ever get the money for the divorce? The other guy and the other dude they gave him 10 years wait He confessed and he got more time than you Because he was on parole. Oh

He got called weapons The guy was in his car. He really had no alibi. Yeah He really had no alibi And then he just ran around all of us. That was just a funny thing about That velo never said a word. It was chidwell. I told him. Isn't that how it always works though It's always like the dude. It's not it's not like the victim so much as it is like Just the ratty fucker in the group. He didn't testify because I plead bargain So he didn't have to testify in court

Vella testified in court and talked about his experience that he was putting a closet With a pit bull and all this shit because this velo this tittle guy had the pit bull. So after I left They're saying so what my attorney had approved was that I didn't have knowledge that this was going to go down That was my defense But I always knew what I had done and I felt shitty enough So we were gonna take it to trial, but if I lost I get 48 years So I looked at it as you know what I'm gonna do this for all the shitty things I did and start over It's gonna go balls in balls

And you only got four and that's it and then they reconsidered at the floor With community corrections and all this shit. I had to tag on like volunteer work and all this shit What was like the day you got out? Do you remember what was the first thing you did eat? I would imagine people would just go eat. No, you go to the halfway house. Okay, and you eat tv dinners Like they give you like shitty food, but you're already used to fucking Prison food shitty food. Yeah What a business that is not a stand for 72 hours for orientation. They had to piss you See the levels of all the drugs in the system and all that stuff

Then they let you out from nine to five to get a job I got a job. What was your job? What was your first job? Detail. What does that even mean joey? Detail and what? Detail on that pussy. So what I did was I got a pager All they wanted was to call a place and be able to get a hold of you and talk to you Right, so if I would say them i'm going to fuck in jesse mace house I got to write down jesse mace num and jesse mace address And from time to time they were called jesse mace and so what I would do is I gave him a pager number

And it drove him crazy because I said I work in a dealership Oh my god, never there. I didn't have a job I didn't have a job at all I didn't have a job at all. There was a garage. I hung out at and talked shit with the owners there all day But I didn't have a job. Were you just back into the hustle? I was just back into the house. Wow I remember I wasn't allowed to drive and one day I was on a light and I called next to one of the counselors And I'm like if this bitch looks over here. I'm done. Did you just put the seat back? No, I just looked the other way and then the light turned green and she went and I just stayed there made a left

I mean, I was on wheels. I did not I gave him too hot you the first piss test I gave him bad was not even from snorting coke was from touching it From weighing it it would go on my fingers It was a lacious fucking time and it was all brought upon by me God didn't do it to me. So I didn't do it to me. Do you have any choices you made? Yeah, it was all my shit Everyone's accountable for it. It was all my shit. You know, it was nothing to do with nobody else It was just a spell of fucking lies. That's it. Do you believe Do you believe anybody who's in that life can get out?

Yeah, I did It took 15 more years after I got out of jail to realize that what was the final point for you that you realized You didn't you wanted to live out. You didn't want to live in that life anymore I was here in l.a. It's performing a fucking game in comedy. I had already booked movies and films and mad tv and What about this life was more alluring and comedy and You gotta remember what life are you talking about the cells of drugs? How did comedy pull you out of that life because it seems like that life was so ingrained in you at that point

It became my first love I knew that it was once I got the taste of it Like I'm like, you know what I'm on to something right. I don't want to admit it to myself or nobody else So the other life was less of alluring. The other life was getting old right you're getting bored of that It was getting old being broke and being desperate And always wanted to do coke and always I was attracted to the fucking filthy women that don't want to do coke and some dick and It just gets old it got old and then I find myself caring for somebody

When did you meet your wife in 2000? In it took me seven years to stop Yeah, so she met you in the in oh sorry in the crossover. Wow. That's a rider die lady right there She met you coming out of that life. Yeah, you're still in it though Wow, she loves you seven years that I was a productive individual. Yeah But still it's not like you came home at five and I'm on the couch playing. Yeah. Yeah Like that's not me at all Right, you know when she got home at five that was vacuuming was done the dishes were done

The bathroom was clean. I was just a cokehead. Yep. I was uh, uh, you know, I still sent all this shit I talk about breakdowns and yep all this shit, right that was all on the coke. So that's why I don't Probably move on shake, right? You got to get up every day. Yeah, and you got to work it You got to go if I was doing it at this time and I was nothing till five And getting up at fucking eight. I mean come on Hard to take a breather and I would go home at three and watch law and order At dum-dum and take a little nap. It was to be on A&E Two or something on A&E. Yeah, and I take a nap from three to five two hours three hours. I got up to 418 pounds

Whoa, I'm not sleeping When you don't sleep, oh, it messes up all of your system Your hormones get messed up your circadian systems all messed up because you know, that's your your sleep regulation So now that's why I don't do those late shows of the common stuff. You got a 10 30 show the commas don't even bother I'll do a 10 15 spot because I know I'm getting out of that 10 30 and I'm in the car at 10 35 You know after I go upstairs. There's no There's no joey deeds. Yeah, my house wakes up at 6 15. So I do too I like we're gonna party in a front chair. Yeah fucking around at night. No

I did that already. Yeah, I did that already. I did that when I got into comedy from 2004 To 2001 like I said, I didn't know what tv was right. There was no tv I didn't know who played baseball. Right. I didn't know who played football My life was comedy. Yep. I was on the road. I was doing triple runs and what's the other guy yoda runs? Yeah, fucking, you know, I was out there. I didn't have time to fucking I'm trying to make 50 bucks Yeah, just spend 45 on blowing weed right that's five dollars for breakfast Yeah, I would wake up with a five to tip the fucking wait staff at the hotel Hopefully it's a buffet. Yeah, hopefully it's a buffet. Hopefully it's a buffet

Hopefully this breakfast is included. They were like, you have no credit card on file And what would you do? I would call the club And go, I'm gonna buy that lost my ATM card before I came here Can you bring $50 over or something like that and they go come over and get it? I was relentless. I just wow see and that's like Your your story is so interesting to me because It really highlights that you're your own not you. I mean people in general you're your own worst enemy

and honestly you can get out of The situation you're in if you just want to if you exactly if you want to it takes time It's not gonna Rome wasn't and it's not easy. You have to write a path out. Yep. Like I just knew that I knew After the longest year I came out that was my darkest problem with the drug like that. That was like a dark year Nothing really happened for me. Tracy Morgan got a show Fucking the dude from Brooklyn 99 They put him on uh chris rock show

You know everybody looked up after that. My career stayed the same or even got worse, right? So I had a hard time and then I just saw a lot of people having a hard time following me at the store. Yeah, and you're like, well, what the fuck So throughout all this bullshit that's around me This is I only had two good things this brought at the house and this comedy and this comedy thing And then you made that your nucleus and then when I stopped in 2007 I remembered the other gift Baby that I had never lost. I had never lost it

But I hadn't used it either. What's that my balls? I was balls crazy from the cocaine and I was balls crazy from But I remembered who I was Where I came from And how I was gonna act from that point on And I didn't play the Hollywood game anymore Not that I ever played it, but now I didn't tolerate it right and I remember one of my first missions after the cocaine thing was a A commercial for hardies and just to make a long story short the guy said some shit to me

Just because he had a tattoo and a hat with a feather in it one of those guys, you know I'm the director with his arm rolled up and assistant and I went off on him and he were hitting this trailer And he's like you're fired I go away. Who you gonna get it to in the morning to shoot Long Beach You're gonna waste hardies budget. They're gonna fire you come out here. Apologize like a fucking man And let's get on with this did he oh, yeah That's amazing. I've never been spoken to I think because you're a cunt And it's time that somebody did speak to you. Yeah, and he's like that's respect though. You're a fucking director Who gives a fuck what you do you went to school? I'm at the commies to a fucking every fucking night gunning for my life

So next time you yell at a white kid that doesn't know any better That thinks you really work you're waiting gold. You better check yourself You ain't shit. You put your pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us in this motherfucker And once I became not I didn't get as much work anymore I got a little tough to work with but always remember that's worth it because that's for respect You ain't better than a yeah Like to shake hands. Yeah, because they're germaphobe without smacking them out Either shake my hand. I went out a lot. Whoa one time. Don't stand me. Yeah, I stand them down

Where what was the scenario? We had to do a movie about the Howard Hughes And what were you staring at him for because we were the mob sister throw him out of the hotel We had to throw Howard Hughes out of the hotel, right? So when we get there to rehearse, we're just sitting there and he's talking about fucking what's her name With attitude his ex-wife. He's still talking about the the blonde really christie brink. Or is it what uh, what was her name? Shuff doesn't matter. Whatever her name is. Yeah And then the director goes all right. We're getting ready to shoot and he started looking at all

That's like we played four gangsters And then when it came to me, he started like that like eyeballing me and I'm like, oh, look at this fucking bitch Wants to play eyeball with the master of the eyeball because I've been to court I've been up against judges. You can't take your eyes off when the judge is looking at you You take your eyes off a judge that's weakness. Yep So when the judge is looking at you, you gotta fucking learn how to stand down Like I you blinked already twice. I haven't even fucking I'm old school. I have dry eyes

At the time where he had a break away because I'll fucking work it. Yeah, I've been court trained. I'm fucking real I know how to put my eye on and tell you know, that's what you need to do. That's your parents teach That's why you never seen me with sunglasses. You know the same thing I will never wear fucking sunglasses. I'd rather die. I wore them in the car now because I'm older But as a kid I love sunglasses. You weren't allowed to wear sunglasses while I grew up. Really? Yeah, people wouldn't talk to you Take them to the fucking things off. Oh, I got dry eye today. My eyes are bothering bothering the fuck out of me Huh, it's always a pleasure to see you just I don't want to leave you. Um

I was just gonna say something. Wait, so alec Baldwin you stared you stared him down. Then what? And then he took his eyeballs off me and we shot the scene That's it nothing else happened he didn't talk to me I mean, it's a fucking movie. What's he worried about this guy's one of those guys that smacks cab drivers and you know He does smack cab drivers. That's right. He's a top guy when there's 10 people. Yeah, yeah Fluffing his feathers. They've never see if he really got loud with me I would have bit slapped him in the gay community would have sucked my dick because the gays can't stand that motherfucker Really? Oh, yeah, you called them faggots and shit on the set one day or something

I need your movie I need your I need the story about you. I'm just happy. I'm just happy the kid fucking showed up shook my hand And I made my peace That's pretty that's a really amazing. You're not gonna make peace for all your sense. No, you're not you can't you're not Going to make peace for all your no, but the ones you can at least try a little bit. Yeah, that's all I ask It's both sides though. No, I know other people that I can't reach out to I have people in my heart. I'm dying to reach out to

And I can't because I know how they're gonna come out right so I just leave it to god Yeah, you gotta leave it. You just you let it go, but he I like that this dude came to you and also said He was he took accountability for where he was in his life He was a motherfucker who got kidnapped. He said he put himself in that position. That's interesting. Most people wouldn't do that It's 32 fucking years ago. That's wild almost as long as I've been alive. That's that's insanity That's why I tell people when I'm doing joe. She can't judge people no more You can't somebody did 30 years ago. No, well let it go Because I know 50 people who have been

They're completely different people. Yeah, people change completely different people. I mean look at you. Look at you You're a father and a husband, but I'm still a fucking crazy. You're still a fucking savage. Oh, yeah I gotta tame my nails down You got any dates coming up you dirty bitch, uh, yeah, I'm gonna be traveling around I'm gonna be in japan this week for another us o tour Jesus christ So i'm going to japan tomorrow And then uh, I'll be in Atlantic city at the hard rock casino A new one. Yeah 19th 20th and 21st. That's a good club. Good feeling. How's the boyfriend? What's going on?

It's just adorable. I was farming child Kansas You know, I love the long distance you Skype and do sex dirty things. We do all that stuff. Yeah, you gotta keep it fresh Yeah, you know pussy and hd you gotta keep it clean too those all over the world There's some chinese people that are whacking off. They deserve it too. They're stuck in a factory making my phone There's russians intercepting that shit putting on hopefully hopefully it's not just going to one place I mean, you're not getting no commissions. I should get I should get some kuchi commission That's what i'm talking about. I want to play your pussy in japan at least or your Godzilla picture

Can I get a couple coins something with Godzilla picture a karate suit? Can I get an autographed Godzilla photo for my hot hd kuchi? Where's my kuchi commission? You're right. I gotta start. I should start charging anybody. You see is it really let alone I'm so scared to send her the dick pic. You should be you have to I would imagine yours looks like like a like a extinct animal, but like something really mystical I'll just show you my nuts after And when you see that you'll let yourself go after you'll go, you know what?

I've seen some nuts in my day. Nothing like those I imagine yours look like parade floats. Oh my god. They have like like a Thanksgiving Day parade float I actually remember like being 19 chicks sucking my balls It was a bigger banana than what they thought like that was a lot more than what they thought And they just look at you with those big eyes like I didn't know it was gonna be this big And that's just one of them. Jesus christ So like bags filled with money. Oh my god I was in Miami one time and I met this girl in bold and we were friends. We're good friends

I liked her a lot. I knew she was a freak on the side and that's what made me like her as friends I never really tried none because it was too easy It was too easy But then she she was living in Miami and that changed it and I went to Miami to do comedy And she showed up at the club and we got blow and then she's like where's your hotel room? So I'm like fuck it party's on, you know, she's the one that's saying that whoa when I went to a talk She's like before, you know, I'm on my second day. I go then Let's not talk about it. No, I want some action. So I said, what do you want to do?

She goes, well, I love to suck balls and we're out in the balcony It was four in the morning. We're coked up three gills I have never and she was sitting in like one of those uh, one of those chairs you sit in the sun Balls sucking chairs the Shaw's lounge. Yeah, like a shay lounge. Yeah, like a pool chair I was four in the morning the pool chair like climb over the pool chair like a horse like John Wayne Before the racist comments And I just did my nuts and she looked at me. She goes, I hope your balls don't smell really bad I don't know they don't I just washed them like an hour ago

I didn't wash them in six hours and I just did two shows at the improv They were two little sweat balls of death I put that ball into a mouth and she looked at me. She was like, is that just one ball? I had just one ball She goes, Jesus Christ, what are the size of these things and this had to be 25 years ago Now that I'm 50 that down to one's down to my kneecap and the other one's down halfway like half mask My left nut's bigger than my right nut. Oh, no. Yeah, you didn't know that you got a swollen nut Yeah, you have to be ambidextrous. If you're lefty, you're not your right nut is bigger. Oh

So if you're uh, it's longer, yeah, you got to use your hand both your hands. Yeah, so by using this hand Yeah, it's like, you know, when you pull a rope up, right? It's like a puppet. Right. You have a puppet for a nut A nut a nuppet So a nuppet. Yeah, it's like a nuppet. So it grabs onto your nuts. If you're righty Your left nut's bigger than your right nut less than for everybody. Well, so so much science on this episode It has to be it's a tuesday. How can I leave him hanging on the last day of the month black history month? They're still upset about jesse smollett. Oh, what a fucking idiot and the noose, you know what i'm saying and people are going through People are going nuts. Everyone's offended. Everyone's offended

Get some sleep and learn a language if you're offended take a nap and learn a new skill. That's what I say I'm happy you got time to come on the show. I'm always When you reach out to me podcast. Yes, so please let's put it together. Where do you tape? Uh, I'm not all things comedy. Okay, right here. Yeah, it's right down the I was just there before Yeah, I would love to have you on I got to do Mike Tyson on wednesday. Whoa I'm gonna go smoke some reef. Yo, he's good. Oh, have you met him? He's gonna fucking love you. You have my face time with him. He is going that is So epic. I'm going down to the spark with him for two hours. Oh my god

That's amazing. You're gonna have so much fun. No boxing. Just new york. Yeah New york city in the seventies and shit. Oh, that's amazing. That's gonna be awesome And then next weekend the seven to the motherfucking ninth houston, texas. I'm coming home motherfuckers Carabas fucking blueberry hill tamales Fucking chewy's fucking. I'm coming home. You cock suckers. It's over. It's been too long Coming back to the improv thursday friday saturday saturday late shows already fucking sold out So if you don't jump on these tickets today, you're gonna be fucking doomed. I'm telling you right now Don't come hit me up on facebook messenger. Joey. There's no tickets. What am I gonna do? Go fuck yourself

That's what you're gonna fucking do. I want to thank jesse may paluso I want to thank you guys. I want to thank the flying june for fucking doing this till they're right The podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.com turn your cool idea Into a new website. Okay start showcasing your work Blog or publish content sell products and services of all kinds and promote your physical or online business Announcing upcoming event or special project and more you could do all this with Squarespace. Why you create your own website? Beautiful templates created by world-class designers with a powerful e-commerce functionality that lets you sell anything online

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You understand me. So go to honor.com right now and press in church Bam and get 10 percent off your first order. Again. I want to thank jesse. I'm a pollu so again I want to thank the flying Jew But I want to thank you motherfuckers for being family and for having our back here at the church Or what's happening now like I told you houston, texas improv houston March 7th through the night

The party starts thursday night. If I was you I'd get nice 25 dollar tickets on thursday. You come in solo Tell the wife you're going to shoot yourself. I don't give a fuck what you're telling Bring a fucking tutu-tuts and we'll get this fucking party started Next thursday friday and saturday at the houston improv and that's it and that's that I love you guys I'll see you early thursday morning ready to fucking rock stay black kick this fucking muley Open that door for me. I'm sweating like a fag I Want to be around

To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I Or somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company See Wait and see I mean I want to be around

To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine And That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding From a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you

Like you You You You