Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #663 - Fortune Feimster

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Fortune Feimster, a comedian, actress seen on "The Mindy Project", and writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Hims - Go to ForHims.com/joey for a trial month for just $5.   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   

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Feemston the motherfucking house the Christ killer and your uncle Joey oh shit kick it Lee kick it what what the fuck you think you're dealing with little something we'll carry off a black history month you know what I'm saying you gotta bring that black people never get that week back between Jesse Smilett and R. Kelly you never got it back I'm here to give it back to you brothers I love you blow my mind oh shit with the things you do to me

oh are you fucking kidding me or what this is black power this is a fucking savage after this they couldn't do nothing after this out they just they started smoking crack things happen I think one's missing an eye they can't make a comeback without an eye you know what I'm saying oh my gosh what the fuck Joey I can watch you dance all day oh I love dancing I love it I love all this shit when I'm by myself I'm

just dance in your house I love all this shit I love all styles of music yeah just putting it on nobody's home I get those speakers on fucking live that's right my wife says what are the neighbors fuck the neighbors yeah who cares this is why you got a backyard and you're fucking rip it up I love music and I love dancing this old shit I love it what's happening baby oh I'm just happy to see you I would see you and then you just disappeared from I was telling you before when you came in that one night we're at the store listen my favorite thing and some kid disrespected me the other night I don't

know what your fucking name is don't do it again you see me in that background the comedy star I am as high as fuck yes okay everything's kicking in at one time that's right the boogaloo pills the reefer I don't drink when I'm down there okay you just won't be left alone huh my funnest thing in life right now the only real entertainment I have is when you have a spot yeah at whatever time but you make yourself a promise that you're gonna go 45 minutes early go in the back zip a quick number and drink some water and sit in Mitzi's

chairs and just watch the three guys before you yeah you owe it to yourself they're on a lineup for a reason and it's so weird because I could feel my body sinking and sinking and sinking and I get sucked in by their material and I learned something yeah and it may be something you could call back when you go up I love it that's awesome that's something about that I can't go to an open mic and sit in the back without people torturing me but that last row at the comedy store is for me like I put my I twist my leg

all the way around like a fucking sumo wrestler yeah Mitzi's table and people like how do you do that you're so flexible yeah I want to watch Ron White I want to see you yeah I want to watch Bill Burr I want to see Crystalia the same way you do yeah what's why you bother me and when they talk to me they don't know they're breaking like 10 layers of I'm that deep yeah like to go that deep without doing heroin is impossible like I'm focused I'm zero in the zone I'm fortune theme so I'm watching their hands I'm watching their body language

that's how you become a fucking comic yeah by watching a really good comic and just studying them are they calling it in oh my god look at fortune she used her hand to sell that joke yeah so that's interesting one night I was sitting back there high as fuck watching Bill Burr laughing like everybody else right he's the best and I'm not looking at the lineups when I go down there I don't look at the lineups like I don't know where I'm going who's up next it's a comedy store yeah I don't want to look at the line up you just know the time it's like going

to the doctor's office to get your tooth pulled you want to know I don't want to know oh okay I don't want to know when I'm at the one night they call me and they go 10 30 I don't want to know great sometimes they put the roster up and I'll retweet it and that's how I'll see who's on the lineup right I really put them most fun yeah don't pay attention I don't want to know that's the beginning of the end right once you go I gotta follow Crystal Lee and now you're dead in the shower you're gonna be thinking about it yeah you know and I see like Nancy whatever

and I know it's fucking whatever her name is I'm not you know I'm saying right I gotta follow her and I and it's fine yeah but I'm watching Bill he's ripping apart a room he goes coming to the stage fortune seems to know you know six people seven people walked out because it's Bill right me being a student of the game let's see what fortune what hand fortune is gonna bring up there fortune you went up there like Bill's got a big dick but take a look at my nut sack and you just rode Bill's energy oh man with my

nut sack oh my god you just rode the energy and I sat in the back and I'm like this is fucking phenomenal because I'm not saying anything bad about women but six out of ten women would have folded that situation especially after the set that he had in that tiny original room at 945 that's a tough tough room that's a tough room at 945 you know so I always I fell in love with you I was like fortune's uh where'd you start well thank you for that though that means that means a lot yeah where'd you start I started at the comedy store

no yeah well I started in sketch and improv so I was a groundlings person and you don't back then especially you did not see sketch and improv people do stand up they were very separate very separate and people at the groundlings were not there how long were you the groundlings for um I did the groundlings for about seven years do you regret it now no I'm proud that I did it because that's where I learned how to be a good actor it was so character based and it was creating a lot of characters from nothing

and it really sharpened my writing skills I had to write I was in the Sunday Company for a year and a half and you have to put on a new sketch show once a week every week and it's a new show so you're writing like five to seven new sketches a week for a year and a half is a lot but it was great training but I started staying up the beginning of 2007 what made you want to start I just I knew there was every time I saw someone perform stand up there was something inside of me that was like I gotta I gotta do this this looks like the

greatest thing ever but it I was like scared I was like how how do you be a stand-up what would I talk about and I took a class it took a stand-up class no with improv you have six people yeah you have all this back bouncing these ideas so now you're alone now I'm alone what's that show alone and naked oh they're afraid now you're making the fray well if you want a microphone you're coming from bouncing ideas off and if you fall they fall but Leo bring us back yeah so I'm gonna take us out of there for sure

you know I I just I did this class you remember uh Adam Barnhart absolutely yeah he I took his class and then he you know uh he did a show every Sunday night yeah great guy he's been there yeah since I got here for sure and after his class he was like why don't you do the music for the show and I'll give you 10 minutes every Sunday night and you as a brand I was a brand new comic I got 10 minutes at the in the belly room every Sunday night for a year and it made me

stronger it made me grow a lot faster because stage time is the hardest thing to get did you get spots during the week also anywhere else where you going I was going up I was doing a lot of gay shows I was going to they were at the time they're all these like alternative shows and and gay rooms were like gay comics were performing so I was getting up in other places but the store was so you know coveted it was so hard it was gritty because now the store is like popping again everybody's going there the shows are

full when I started it was empty 2000 it was 2007 yeah that's when I left yeah and I could tell it was kind of weird and Rogan got thrown out it was right yeah right around that time that was it I just heard reports that it was kind of weird and yeah it was hard there just no one was going to the shows and and uh so I was going up and then uh I did a show well like a random show in LA and Brett Ernst was there and he was like you're really you're really funny have you showcased her

Mitzi I'm like no I'm just you know two years in and he's like you got you gotta Tommy's gotta see you and so you know Brett like made it happen he like told Tommy you gotta see her you gotta see her and finally Tommy let me go up and that helped me get to the other rooms and then that eventually led to me showcasing for Mitzi I showcased the on the video because that I think Justin Martindell had just gone past she randomly saw him perform in the main room

and then she didn't watch anybody in person after that right she got sick yeah but I so they would do it over video so she watched me over a video oh she would have loved you right yes she saw she saw it and um Tommy always said she said interesting interesting yeah give her a shot especially wants to be a doorman I should have been a doorman I would have been a good and now they have two female doorman they do yeah Carmen Morales and Emily Rivera no oh so they have three and

then Jessica Wally yep yeah so yeah so they uh they she passed me ups I went from I didn't she didn't make me a paid regular right away for a year I was a regular in the Friday night belly room store so I had to work my way up for a year which yeah of course great yeah I needed I needed that and then after a year they were like all right you're ready and I went started in the OR and I was like oh my god I mean it was the biggest honor I got made a paid regular in 2010

and it was before I was on TV and it made me no Chelsea yet no Chelsea so it made me feel like a real comic you know because sometimes people get passed they're good comics but it's more like oh what TV show are they on right and not everyone just that that does happen and I just felt like I got it because I proved I was a stand-up well she loved characters mm-hmm okay so like I got passed a month after I got here oh really Doug Stanhope got me a showcase the whole thing

I owe people would come to me over the years and go as Mitchie shows in and I go Mitchie's never gonna fucking see me you know who gives a fuck I never really thought about it really until I got here I went down there yeah for the open mic and they're like has she seen you yet and then Stan hopes got there yeah they both put it together and boom and then but she loved characters sometimes she wouldn't go like this guy isn't that funny yeah but she saw a character there and she wanted him to develop that character right and soon enough that person

wouldn't want to take it there because of his hard-earnedness and they wouldn't get spots anymore oh interesting yeah she wanted you to be a certain thing and she pushed you into it yeah you know that that was and the store pushed you in the right direction I could tell by watching you on stage yeah that you were kind of like I haven't been here fucking nah I was I stayed out of the store for seven years yeah I don't know how do you realize you'd stay away that long I stayed away

and then it was Delia that was the birth of Delia yourself he was coming up Dean Delray you know I would hear from Ari I was tight with Ari dunking all those guys so I would hear what was going on the store but no she would have loved you from day one oh I mean isn't it cool though like your story my story like how these other comics who have gotten to a certain level they reach back down and like I want to help you out now like with Doug with you Brett with me like I don't know I feel like you hear a lot of stories out of

LA Hollywood where people were like so cut throat but with stand-up they're like you she needs to see you you got to get in front of this you know what I mean like it's cool to see people looking out for each other there in that way not that everyone does that but no there's people who look out for themselves but you know what makes you a better comic is not being judgmental or something like Jesus Christ I wish nobody sees fortune because they might go my spots right if you think that way

you're a fucking idiot yeah it's like what we have is like going to the track my mother died of a broken heart if you ask not she died of a heart attack but it was basically a broken heart yeah the Chinese call a broken heart until this day I still feel Ralphie died of a broken heart yeah it was 900 pounds Joe you don't know what you're talking about he loses when you lose that will to live and my mother came from a school that if she went out and got 10,000 mandatory she was supposed to give away six really for good luck to come back

to you the problem is not everybody plays according to those rules right she would go Lee hit the number for 10 gave me five dollars yeah and then instead of her saying something to Lee it would break her heart so with comedy you have to be the same way you have to look out for the people around you you know you have to throw them bones when it's to serve yeah there's a lot of people who come at you expecting something right you and I both look at a comic because

you've been doing it now for how long nine years 2007 oh my god yeah 12 years 12 years I'm not gonna man I went to public school you know when somebody's faking the funk yeah okay I know the razzle basil I don't have to hear your material I don't have to hear your joy just go in there go in the room five minutes and I know exactly where you are in your career yeah because I've been there and I've seen people and I you know I still remember going to towns as a feature yeah and people go your headlining for the

future this guy's gonna be a badass motherfucker and you know and I saw people come and go yeah and the people who stayed with the people who kept it consistently knew who the fuck they were and stayed within their bounds and just kept plugging along little by little no blah you know one week you're a feature in Michigan the next week you're an emcee in Boston the following week you're co-headlining in Maine you know the following week you're out there on the road you're grinding it you're experiencing

different why are the New England Patriots so good because Tom Brady knows how to read the defense he knows how to make audibles when you go on the road you know me going into the Bible Belt in North Carolina I remember going into the Bible Belt at like the nine-year mark yeah I can honestly tell you I went zero for five it's tough I bombed in Carolina I bombed that fucking the University of North Carolina I bombed the Clark Tennessee the Bible Belt would take a ride with me for eight minutes

and then it comes back to them that they're Christian deep down inside and they look at them suddenly we can't laugh at this I saw them do with the Stanhope in Nashville yeah in 98 and I go oh and I swore to got the bombing I took a Nashville it looked like Vietnam missiles were coming from everywhere oh and I swore never to go back to Nashville have you never gone back oh no now I go and I love it yeah I would think because you mature as a comic right but also they mature as a comic yeah it's good to go to the south to the Bible Belt and fucking

yeah 22 nights you know oh but I ain't shitting New Jersey you know I haven't been to New Jersey in a while I mean I do I just in New York it was awesome but this is I'm talking about back when I was first touring yes I hate big shit yeah New Jersey but you didn't go back to New Jersey now I haven't now you gotta come out of the box I gotta I was last here some time I was here eight years ago you guys didn't like me what I eat pussy what the fuck is wrong with your mother and you take them for the ride that's right yeah I gotta go back there's places I go to now that I promised I

would never step in that state again like you ever leave before your state you ever get no I it was when you bomb in a state yeah in a whole and you're on a and you're on the bus on the way out yeah you feel like the the fugitive no for sure like I'm gonna chase me down and shoot me like you're on the bus fidgeting when you just did seven shows at a club as a feature and you died five out of the seven shows when you got even when the owner's paying you you feel like shit oh total this is the worst feeling but you don't know that you're gonna get that later you just the lesson you got yeah don't blame it on the

audience you didn't come at that audience prepared right you didn't watch the mc you didn't watch the headline of the first night you gotta watch those guys and see how they may how many times you go on stage you eat a bag of dicks guy goes up I never eat dicks well I know that you eat a bag of assholes and the guy goes up behind you and I remember there was a comic years ago that closed with a wig and stockings and heels on oh and he would get a standing ovation okay and I would leave there about ready as fucking shoot myself you're like what am I doing and I would go up then eat a bag of dick yeah and I remember work with him like new

years when you're dying I worked with him in Canada and I died like yeah there was a two-year mark there where I was just dying on the road but I know that when I was a regular at the store already I was already a regular at the store but it hadn't hit that 10-year mark and I said you know what I'm gonna go but even though I'm a regular at the store I'm gonna go back out to war again because I'm not prepared yeah and all those towns Myrtle Beach how was that Myrtle Beach I like the owners yeah it was booked out of Milwaukee at the time okay she was really hot and he was uh there were a couple that ran the club in Milwaukee and how you made money down there

was the only page 400 to feature okay from Tuesday to Saturday but during the day you took condo toys oh really what are those toys time chair oh yeah if you sat through the whole way of beating to give you $150 cash oh there you go so you would go to four of those during the week yeah make six hundred you know whatever it was 75 $50 I don't know what the fuck it was but I did that and died like no that was cool because that was a vacation place yeah because the beach is there so it was different people but that whole creative run at the time creative had just burned uh carrot top so they had a great run of rooms yeah and I I don't know if we get my manager calling me at the time he had left creative entertainment and

come out here to manage and he goes I just gotta call for math he goes you got nine like bad reports oh like out of the 16 rooms nine of the rooms said don't never want it oh no that type of shit geez and you learn from that yeah can't take your feelings her oh West Virginia was the worst when I got on top I never performed West Virginia on top of a ping-pong table and you had a sign of contract that you couldn't say the word fuck what if you said the word fuck they would call the police and find you $50 wow well I just went up there and bombed because I needed that $50 for coke that was where I drove the guy he drove me to get coke and it was meth and I just got the meth and took it out you're like this will do yeah who cares yeah but like how

much of it like what's the percentage of you bombing or was it you you just not being right for the room was it a mix of both it was like it's not being ready for the room not being ready listen it's not the punch that you throw you know fortune that punch I thought I was gonna punch you gonna hit you in the head no matter what yeah it's the next punch and how you're gonna react you block that left and then you hit me in the stomach come up with an uppercut and I'm bleeding now you're bleeding now we gotta fight yeah and that's what you're not prepared for that you just let me come out and punch you twice and you gave up right you have to learn how to get yourself out of that hole they're judging you within the first seven seconds they're in fucking hellsville

hells carolina and you're the first jew they've seen in 11 years yeah they don't know what to do they don't know what to do to you they're gonna touch you and you're in your jersey accent you're jewish skin is soft and not a man they got good desert sun nobody had jew easel jew is lamb you know what i'm saying they don't you know and then now you then you have to learn how to make yourself one of them yeah and look at you from that perspective and that's what texas came in for me what happened in texas texas they take the ride with you oh yeah i love texas there's not a room in texas it doesn't take the ride with you i love once you get in there seven minutes you got them like in houston you can't say bush anything about the bushes in austin you can jump up and down the

flag and they're all hippies and shit but in houston you say something about the bushes oh they don't they shoot bone arrows they name their port after they're there don't you mention nothing about barba bush don't even say bush can you talk about even a even a dj don't push push push in the bush that song is banned in fucking houston don't say fucking bush but anything else that take the ride with you so as a feature act i developed really well in texas because they let you do yeah and in texas they had hell holes during a week and the weekend you did froggy bottoms a b-room and you did the lap stop you had the lap spot the last stop you know you had fucking the dalas improv you had the one where groutfee may felt through the stage oh stage uh fritters whatever the old

improv he felt through the stage he kept it secret for years until i found out that i would break his balls from time to time didn't you fall spellbinders spellbinders spellbinders because i remember my car talked to the lady who booked it and he goes don't mention my name he goes oh yeah she told me you felt through the stage no i didn't the stage was faulty it was their fault it's their fucking fault this i didn't fault her no stage he's even tennessee like when i went back to visit my in-laws i took a ride to paduca and they had they they were great yeah i went to it was a coffee you've been everywhere though you have to i know as a comedian like listen i'm not a big i'm not gonna lie i barely keep it together on la to new york

la to london that's 12 fucking hours i'm about to do i'm doing these guys that do this malaysian runs and shit like that i i adore you to death but i'm gonna sit on the plane smelling hummus feet for 16 hours then fucking whatever those people they take their shoes off and click their toes and you gotta sit sniffing their toes everybody today there's no class in the airline industry anymore every day you hear something new every day somebody the other day put a big a twitter picture of a dude holding his big toe that's right somebody ma's delia like that somebody fucking posted it up yeah there is no class anymore what do you do if the guy next to you started doing that i would fucking take the plane down i would fuck i would take my sleep apnea

machine it's so crazy you have no fucking idea craziest things there's no more and as it is like i already like all right people all right let's get out of the way you guys take care of yourself so i pack a pack of my sleep apnea machine i got a pack of fucking disinfectant wipes and no germ wipes i wipe the seat down my fiance does too the tray they say the tray has more germs than fucking if you take a chondom and come in a thousand times put in the crack hose ass leave it there for a year and pull it out that fucking tray has more germs than that dead fucking condom yeah because people like change their babies diapers on that thing you get on a fucking plane the first thing you do is you wipe that down i got a straw by the fucking window i'm

don't give a fuck i didn't know you were such a germ i'm not a germaphobe yeah but we're comedians you gotta say what happens if you catch the flu for 10 days that's true i got a reschedule now and then you go out too early you're gonna get sicker your lungs yeah your cough you ever wear the mask on a plane yeah unless i got scott's tape to put on my eyes like a japanese who else gets away with that a white dude with a mask i gotta go smack you in the fucking face like ten times like leave that to the japanese they do that all right you're embarrassing me you're from Iowa i've never had a mask no you can't wear a mask on but you need to eat something to protect yourself and you know your hands you don't know well i wash my hand before i take a piss out of respect for

my wife i don't want to suck in there you go and even now i'm over 50 i don't want nobody sucking my dick no more it's disgusting you don't want any blowjob no no no i wouldn't put that on nobody that's psychological abuse all right i'm 55 i mean that's nice that's really nice of you that's it smells like i i scratch my nuts at night smells like salt smells like all folks home you know what i'm saying like mothballs it's not mothballs but it's got old man balls too i don't want nobody to you're really nice because most guys are like i don't give a shit no no i've always been a three shower a day type of guy my nuts are always tip top magoo i put the cornstarch down there top magoo let me tell you something even with the corn stop you can't stop the 50 age of

56 it happened you just get those dusty balls you put cornstarch right away when i come out of the shower oh wow i put my fuck in where those panties they wear what are you panties me undies and you dip them in cornstarch no i take cornstarch powder yeah it comes you can buy powder at the supermarket whatever i'm trying to learn how to take care of my balls well ladies can't no let me tell you the problem is women can't put see when i was growing up and you ate somebody's pussy yeah you could smell the the talcum powder baby powder oh that everyone used to use baby powder because it would marinate the pussy it's like putting saran wrap on it marinate it nice and it keeps the inside nice and moist okay yeah but then women started losing their kidneys and eyeballs

every night i'm watching because they were using baby powder down there did you take out did you use talcum powder in the 80s on your pussy call us now your ovula might be missing oh my god i didn't know that i don't know what an ovula is i don't know either you were like they all had a great smelling pussies but they died of cancer they all died of fucking ovarian cancer holy shit she's not supposed to put talcum powder but i've never seen nothing about the dick and i grew up on talcum powder so far you're you're good so yeah i'm good to go but i gotta tell you that after like after 30 my dick was fine until about 24 i fucked this wait at 24 it started changing i had some wang to it okay tuna fish like i used to bang this chick without a condom

she was a filthy animal i still talk to it when it changed and my dick changed smells for like a year after you had sex with her yeah i went back to the it wouldn't go away if you showered yeah if i showered okay it went away on the outside i felt like marinated the but deep on the inside if i scratched my helmet at night while i was watching mtv it's not my favorite tuna fish it was tuna fishy it was kind of weird but did it make you nervous to have sex with women after that like you were you afraid that that was gonna happen again or i was always let's get some out of the way okay your famous when i was joey i i can't wait there i was 14 15 16 a buddy of mine came from like a man he goes listen i got something would you come with me to the clinic and i went with him

from the clinic and i sat across i don't know if he was gay i'm not gonna say anything yeah he had something on his mouth like a grove on his mouth he's like number 37 it was like number two and i had to sit there and look at him the whole time he had like a vd grove oh interesting and beside my catholic upbringing i always had that that image was in your head so until the age of 18 i can't lie to you i wasn't going for blowjobs right like there's something wrong with that fucking guy's mouth yeah i kept thinking about his mouth that is i got old and i started doing drugs and you start eating ass and pussy once you're eating ass anything goes yeah once you and even if this has got a little dirt to it like sometimes they took a shit of two but you're

eating their ass at nine and it's got a little wang to it you know what i'm saying but you don't give a fuck what are you gonna embarrass them and tell them to go use the bidet no you're already we already went in the cave like the little tight kids oh my there's no coming back when you go in a cave like the tight kids there ain't no coming back oh poison fees that you cracked yo i could listen to you talk about eating ass eating ass all day that's what we share in common you and i i've never eaten ass thank you i've never eaten ass you never lick the woman's ass no so you're the boss i kept in kirk in the relationship is that what that means yeah you put the strap on and hit him in the face and tell me you better

have my dinner bitch and my paper you know what i'm saying i would assume that if you're eating well i yeah i can't you eat pussy yeah i do that okay so when you're down and you see that little asshole staring at you just you just give it a whirl yeah you don't give it a little i haven't ever before even this fiance i wouldn't marry unless you know she's she is a germaphobe she doesn't like that stuff a lot of women don't you're not allowed once you eat the pussy you gotta eat the pussy yeah but then you got a tongue of the asshole you can't double dip but no no you can't go from the asshole to the pussy right same as wifey so once you eat the ass you gotta stay focused on the ass keep fingering them put your cocking them up and then

before you kiss them out of respect you go get some double listerine and you wipe your face with germ day i'm learning so much today it's so weird like i really am when you're like when you're 20 like when you're doing comedy right like on the triple run yeah there's so many women that you're bombenta and because you're on stage and they're from this small town afterward you're like a fucking celebrity you can tell them whatever you want that you know james franciscus you know steve mcqueen they're like an amid with you no matter what you look right you don't know how many blowjobs you get on the road and at the end they want to kiss you and you're like if you blew me who else was in line you know what i'm saying so that's where you draw the line you didn't know

tisney unless they you know you want to get it on or whatever but that's how you get the flu there's a lot of pussies and dicks that got the flu you ever eat pussies and get the flu what i don't you ever eat somebody's pussy the next day your your throat feels weird maybe i've never put two and two together i don't know sometimes you eat like weird strange pussies what you wouldn't kiss them would you eat lick their ass? yeah i would lick their ass so the asshole doesn't give you the flu i guess no if it's staring you in the face you just can't leave it there it's like a little puppy you don't see a little puppy you always go back with you pet him a little bit you know what i'm saying that's just like an asshole i can't believe you

never lick nobody's ass yeah joey look how long have you swung on the other side for i came out at 25 any man ever i never had sex with a man i'm like i'm a gold star or you knew it from early on i i think i might have had sex i might have had sex with a guy back in the day but nobody wanted to but i think part of it is that when you're gay even if you don't like i didn't it wasn't like i was in the closet i just didn't know that i was gay i didn't realize that about myself and i think that that when you're gay you put out some sort of i don't know if it's pheromones whatever and the other person picks up on it so whatever i was putting out not realizing it was not received by men men always like came up to me like a buddy high five and immediately

there was always a very buddy type of relationship so i never really dated i didn't have i went on a few dates with guys but i never had like a serious boyfriend or anything like that because i was just friends with with males but i had had i been had i had someone in my life or dated someone like that i might have had sex but it just did not happen it was the first time you looked at a woman and ripped a fucking shirt off it was like when at that age i came out 25 25 yeah so i was a bit of a light bloomer if i started earlier i'd probably be uh i'd probably had like gas because i was a light bloomer i it was too far down on the totem pole you know you say what no because he's been the last two podcasts saying i should look ass i don't i have

no interest you don't want to do it what is the who who who does it pleasure the most the person getting the ass licking or the person doing it who benefits let me ask you a question you're driving home at the end of a long day your dog got hit by a car your mother died of leukemia that's quite a you got one thing wrong for you that's the worst that somebody licked your ass out at some point you're like that's who you're you're a winner you know yeah like my dog got hit by a car but guess what got an 82 a girl left my ass like it was fucking honey and she had no fucking spoons there you go you know i mean no i don't know i don't i don't i didn't like it i you weren't into i like having sex with a woman and eating her ass as part of the pulp thing like late night

you know like a different part it's like you have seven fucking you go to a french restaurant they give you three dishes the same thing you gotta suck the titty you gotta suck the monkey and then you gotta get the dessert and the answer you gotta get the it's a fortune cookie oh man joey i'm learning a lot too yeah i learn something new every day it's monday morning if you can't drop fucking knowledge i don't know i feel like this this particular episode will inspire more people to go out there and try it well they should try something yeah something's gotta work you gotta change things up every now and then so what do you think about your future i mean you have you had a tv deal for a while with my girl there um i yeah i mean you don't stop i don't

stop i do a lot that's why you know we were saying that i haven't been around the comedy scene here in la lately i have a weird trajectory with my stand-up i told you you know i started at the comedy store and then by i started 2007 i got chelsea lately in 2011 i went from a fairly new comic to that show which was very popular at the time i became i went from new comic to headliner like that so i had to like learn how to become i didn't get the opportunity to go on the road with people as a feature as an opener i would have loved the experience of watching other comics i would watch them coming up at the story you know but i didn't i didn't get to learn from anybody on the road i was just like figuring it out what was the experience like when you first

got thrown out there how many years have you been on stage when you first got thrown out there at the headline i started i started to stand up the beginning 2007 i was headlining by summer of 2010 because i did last comic standing okay and then chelsea lately back to back and so i was terrified i'd gone from just trying to figure out my 15 minute spot at the store to like oh now i gotta perform minimum 45 minutes i but that's where my groundlings training came into play i started doing a lot of audience i started talking to the audience a lot started a lot of crowd work until i could get my material built up but so basically like since then i've just been hustling i went from chelsea lately to uh acting acting's kind of come to the forefront for me bill

bill burr always gets mad at me he's like quit this acting crap you're a stand-up get out there and i'm so i've been focusing more on stand-up lately not that i'm pushing acting aside but i don't know i'm just doing everything i can to just work you know i did the Mindy project for three seasons and then i did this mbc show last year but this last year i've been not only getting back into stand-up a lot i've always toured i never stopped touring but i've been trying to work on my new hour i want to try to sell a special i've done two half hours but never a full hour special for somewhere i don't know but i i just feel like until i know the two half hours oh the one one half hours comedy central and one was for netflix they did like this series of half

hours right right right but i feel like until you do your hour special you know you know that's like a coveted thing for stand-ups and i really want to make that special and so i'm working on that and then i've been developing a lot of stuff i sold two movies that i wrote with two of my writing partners to amlan that's steven uh stevensville works company so we're seeing that through that process how hard is that process oh writing a movie is hard that's a hard process it's really hard i had sold two tv pilots before that and they're hard but nothing near running a movie because it we've been on this we've been working on this one movie for the last two years and wrote and that's just with amlan being attached we were working on it a year before that and it's always evolving

always changing and you have to keep up with 130 pages like with a pilot it's like 35 pages you can keep track with 35 pages fairly easy you're like oh i know what happened on page four and page 20 they're not that far apart what is 135 to 150 pages you're like oh my god i don't know what happened in that scene on page 50 i have no idea and it changes so much that you're like constantly losing track of your story but you know it's cool to try i mean i hope i get the chance to get up to make them i'd be i would be in the movies if they got made now let me ask you this when you went to pitch them you went to pitch a thought or you walked in there with the script prepared the first one people at home the first one i sold we sold as a script well i had done a

tiny part in this movie called an office christmas party i played this uber driver and stevensville works company produced it and they were like or they were the studio and um they were like hell we want to work with you what do you got and i was like well we we've been working on the script and they bought it and so that was really cool but then you go through a bunch of rewrite processes with that and then the second movie we sold to them in october we sold as a pitch we went in there and told them the idea i mean you think it out really in detail we we worked on an outline for like six months and then you go pitch that and they bought that and then we just turned in the first draft people have no idea how many stars have to be aligned oh so really a pilot a tv show

i saw so many people have three drinks in them and go on my pilot gets picked up i'm gonna make you the bartender oh my pilot gets picked up i'm gonna make you this yeah my pilot gets picked up and it never happened it never happens i still remember people who did deals with david letterman yeah and they would be bragging and those are the worst ones to get oh i know right because cbs don't want to deal with them they don't want to deal with david letterman they know a red tape they want people who don't know what they're doing so they could smack them around right take notes and tell them you'll never work again but if you get the colonel brian colonel is going to go shut the fuck up right so they never so i saw all those

comics that went through the process yeah i saw comics that you know shot the pilot and one of the callers been seen at one of the highest rated pilots of all time really that's a well known fact 100 across the board yeah a barny miller show when it is heyday right 96 97 mm-hmm the last minute i know another girl who sold a show and they shot 11 episodes at mbc and didn't air any didn't air any oh that would be painful you know so you never really know where you stand all you can do is thank god i'm here today yeah thank god this check is clearing today they got craft service they got bagels they got locks yeah they got onions i'm good for today people really don't understand right the process and then the notes oh yeah and you're taking notes

not from a comic you're taking notes from a college student yeah or somebody who's no somebody who went to syracuse yeah no not you know went to syracuse i'm not putting down anybody from syracuse i'm just saying that they're the managers and agents and a lot of people you deal with yeah and you went to school for four years in turn we've been at groundings for seven years on stage fighting at the comedy store for five and on the road you got to listen to what the fuck we're saying yeah you know when when chappelle did that take the comedy central i knew that what that was about that was about some guy coming and telling me who's got the number one show what time it is take do yourself a favor get the fuck out of this room yeah go get your fucking degree from usc

fucking acting school go show it to somebody who matters to over here in the trenches right that's why we respected rosanne the beginning rosanne told the network go fuck themselves in the early album yeah her goal was to be cosby right when they be cosby they tried to go on their accept responsibility she's like no it was me who handpicked the staff of writers look at exactly what was going to work your guys idea was not going to work right you know when you look at the rocky story they wanted rentals for the part of rocky they wanted ryan o'neill for the part of rocky you know it's like they come to you tomorrow and they go we love this but for this role we think yeah this guy do like hundred percent like it happened fucking crazy yeah i don't want that guy in my

fucking movie and that's the crazy part and i learned that i sold a pilot in 2015 and it was for abc and tina fey was the producer and right i remember that yeah annie potts played my mom john carol lynch was my dad and we shot it and it tested really really high and you you have all the stars you think are aligned you think one of the co-creator was a 30 rock writer with me and uh and then all of a sudden you just get that phone call that's like ah we loved it but it's not happening and you know it's a huge i think i learned more from that no than anything in this business i mean it felt like shit you know because it was my story it was based on my life and it almost felt more personal like you're being told no because it's based on you and your life

that was one of the hardest knows i've ever gotten i felt like shit and and i hate this but it made me put my computer away for like a year i did not develop i did not write anything for like a year and and then after i finally like came out of that i was like fuck that like i'm gonna i'm gonna keep making stuff i'm gonna make this happen and i've been writing for the last two and a half years non-stop how disciplined are you i'm not as disciplined as i want to be when it comes to writing stand up i really need to be better about making myself right the problem is i get so busy writing these other things that stand up sometimes goes to the wayside but when it comes to movies and and tv stuff i'm very disciplined i have two writing partners and we

we every day we get on the phone at 10 a.m and don't stop until four and we do it monday through friday really how'd you get off today uh well we just started a new idea and i just and we've been working on it all week and i just said uh can we just pick this back up when i because i'm in i'm in london this whole week and from the fourth through the ninth where you performed at the soho theater out in london and you sold out all those they're not sold out i mean they've been doing well i don't think they're sold out but it's been a good um it's a good turn out so far so where else are you going with that just london doing six shows there and then i want to go to paris for fun for a few days you're bringing the fiance oh yeah maybe we'll get into that

ass licking oh yeah what the fuck no she'll never she'll never get into that you put one of those fromblings up her ass no she would never you're like a fucking anchor for maybe the the the ktla guy oh my god how's listening to that on stern can you believe that shit with a mask on you're fucking getting fist fucked but that's when you're like you know that's not gay that's that's you don't think that's gay he was with a dude wasn't he yeah i don't think that's gay i i like when two men are together and they love each other they go to the movies and they share books that's just a good that's just a good friend it's fucking it's fucking distorted it's just like uh you know what i am but it seems pretty gay to me i could no i could see a woman putting a fucking strap on

having fun with their wife right you know that's what it calls for i don't know where fist fucking comes in that category when i see gay guys marching yeah they look really cute that's gay dancing to no no it's beautiful oh it's love yes nowhere in that is there a fist in somebody's ass that we know um shit on your fingernails you understand me you can't be satisfied with a regular dick all right switch up go upgrade to a nice big black nigerian dick like jessie smollett get one of those fucking pogo sticks that if there's an earthquake you can hang on to there you can look like one of those motherfuckers with katrina on that black dick but a fucking fist yeah look at the size of this fist have you would you want this anybody want

this that's a fucking no no maybe the guy had small wrists i was looking at my tyson's hand the other day i'm like what if you have a fist fuck that dude that dude would be that this that should destroy you right here this yeah and he was getting fisted in the butt yeah how do they know that yeah how do they know that they got just that once they do the autopsy and they could fit a fucking tonkatoi in your ass you know what i'm saying while i'm doing the autopsy and i flip you over and i go hold on hold on hold on hold on look at this and you go hello and you hear goodbye yeah and there was only one other person in the room and he's sitting there with a guilty look on his face and the dirty fingernails and dirty fingernails and he's trying to wipe his

fucking hand off do you wear a glove i mean if i put my hand up somebody's ass i hope that you would wear one of those long disc gloves or something and you loop it down but if you're into that kind of stuff you're not wearing a glove i'm not into that but i'm just saying no no no not you just a person yeah they really disturbed me like that's that and jessie smollett last week really fucked with me yeah because on one hand you know i see how hard everybody works to be fucking accepted right you know i love goofing on people i love having a good time but i also see them people just trying to be accepted we have a dear friend who's a gay comedian i love them to death you know my little buddy here and i love them to death but that doesn't mean nothing

but even gay people walking you making gay guys on the bar and often this this guy was fistfucking even they would go like hollywood gay guys you know what i'm saying it's like it's a lot my friend was at a party one night and he's uh he was friends with the gay couple and they had like other gay couples over there yeah and somebody mentioned a common friend to his and the one guy goes let me tell you something i went to the comedy store and saw that guy he said queen he said what's the chick that got killed in the car wreck princess diana princess diana he goes i went down there that guy called princess diana cunt and he goes to the whole room of gay guys went the same time that's gay that's gay i love that

stuff yeah but nowhere in the gay manual do you hear about a double fistfucking with two meth rocks up your ass the math rocks is crazy disco lights why aren't you married with a kid you're like whoa i'm very offended lee yes i'm very fucking offended that you were less i did cope for 27 years you never put it up your butthole never not even thought about it like even one finger not even one night when i sit there and go wait a second i need to be a little bit higher because i heard when i first moved here yeah i had an agent for a while and he was old school sanatric age right but he was old school flame he was a theater agent and he was very dear he was a great agent to me yeah he didn't get me out enough but when he got me out it was good stuff

damn yeah like he didn't get you out 10 times a year he got you out six but you were in front of heavy fucking doing oh that's cool it went down took him out to lunch and he was just telling me about the 70s gay scene really in hollywood and how you would go on ivar by the gold gym on ivar is it between san amonica oh yeah yeah ivar it's a different street there's a gold near gower gower gower yeah he goes that that's where all the underground game places were oh really and there would be a red light would be on and those red lights that means you went downstairs and they would put ecstasy and burn it down with viagra and put it in turkey basters and he would shoot up your ass no and when he was it's like me going to you let me tell you something yeah

i went to a fabulous party you'll never tell me because my friends and i because i never forget his office was across the street laurel canyon and son and ventura if you go north there's a starbucks on the corner yeah if you cross that street we'll take 10 steps he was upstairs okay and i would sit up so you know he was real close to me i would come up to do other things and i'd stop and his name and i can't even say his name i would go up there and say what's going on you know my god i've been calling you for three days what happened oh my god yeah that turkey baster up his butt you put the viagra and ecstasy and you put the turt the holly holy cow and just go off the fucking rails again i've mugged some people i've done some crazy things i never thought of putting

a turkey baster up your ass who would you trust with the turkey baster to be the one in charge of the dosage lee come here for a second no i mean i would get the dosage ready yeah but then i'm like lee someone gotta do it you know yeah but if you're gay i think you don't care who's doing it you're just like put it up there but it's cool i like that you're you've always been so accepting of gay people because sometimes you know you're just you seem like the type who's kind of like hey you do your thing i'll do my thing my mother had a bar and we were involved in santeria and my mom had a lot of gay friends growing up and when i was about seven there was one i used to always go to beef with i would always go to war with him because he would say things to me one of these days i'm

gonna fuck you oh god yeah like right in front of my mother my mother would leave alone will you please yeah he would say crazy shit to me and one day i said to him say that again i hope you fucking die cocksucker two days later he died no no he died my mom sat me down because that's why you don't say that shit to people yeah and then we had a lot of gay friends but there was one that really at that age i didn't understand right it didn't matter to me i didn't know what marikou meant his name was martin and marikou that's what they called him on the street that was part of his nickname that was his name on the street and martin and marikou was a seamstress for a big time player like cats no it wasn't cats because i was 12 or 13 11 and i was just getting into music

yeah was this in jersey this is in north jersey and before he went into the city at night he would stop at my mother's bar and have a drink yeah some nights he would have a broken wrist some nights he would have a black eye really some nights he would have a thick lip and i go what happened and he'd go to cbgb's and he'd say the fucking guys down the corner they jump us every night oh really this is 1970 when gay guys were still getting jumped and yeah and new york was hardcore and new york was hardcore they had their own area but it was hardcore yeah i with i didn't know he was putting his dick up people's asses of people but i was too young to fathom right what enamored me to him was that he always spoke to me he found time to talk to me and he would always tell me the

band he saw last night yeah like he would see the clash and you know the fucking guy who did heroin and he would talk about all those bands to me and i would hear about cbgb but i was too young and then something happened one day that changed my whole view in the corner of the bar there were these two bookmakers that were brothers and they would sit there from 10 to four and drink yeah and one day martin came in and there was a shuffleboard behind so martin was here and those two guys were leased pictures you see these pictures and the one guy goes hey look who it is martin and and martin put like five hours on the bar and he fucking pulled the gun out of his jacket he pointed at the two guys and he goes oh shit until you suck my dick oh i suck your dick don't ever

disrespect me and call me my dick and money and my mother started yelling because one of the guys had a gun yeah and the guy's like what the fuck is your problem he goes well i told you don't you ever disrespect me again yeah and my mother kept yelling martin put the gun down kokitos right behind you if he would have pulled out his gun they would have been a shootout right yeah so uh he looked he didn't look at my mother he told my mother that he needs to see this yeah even though i'm a fag you gotta respect me like a man right okay don't you ever call me that he put the fucking gun away and my mom's started telling him you're not allowed in here no more get the fuck up martin how can you do something like that martin wasn't got a bus and i know and the other

guy started saying next time we see him we're gonna put a bullet in him and all this shit and two days later i was home at my house and he knocked on the door i didn't know was him yeah i go what's up man he goes listen i thought about what happened and i was very disrespectful for pulling that gun out in front of you uh things could have happened i just wanted to apologize to you myself i'm gonna go apologize to your mother now and then he was my always my mother's friend after yeah but when he apologized to me i remember saying to him no no no no you're my hero yeah like you pulled the gun out of somebody i never saw like that's all my stepdad put a gun on somebody and he was serious yeah that's like a out of like out of a movie and all those beatings

with him getting jumped every night so i kind of i asked him once what happened to your hand three fucking and he would call the faggots that money ornament they jumped on me and beat me that's where it was unsettled like right being gay was not settling yeah then and i became friends with him and we were friends till about 1981 till i robbed him and then did you really rob him yes oh man and even then he would he knew i would go to my mother's grave so he would leave notes of my mother's grave when i see i'm gonna kill you oh my god have you written this shit in a movie i told this i'm uh i told this story in uh uh one of this is not happening yeah that guy always stuck with me i feel like you've got so many good stories oh no we got we got all day but

it's funny that uh i just always one of my dearest friends when i was eight i mean he was gay yeah you know like and he was fucking chicks like a motherfucker really yeah he was 16 because in 1976 you just couldn't come out of the closet in 1980 you just didn't come out of the closet got accepted you came out of the closet your family would throw you out of especially if you're Italian or from jersey right you know it's like a girl from jersey dating a black guy you're done you can't even come to the neighborhood no more you know they won't respect you i'm sorry i'm not that way but there are people that think that way and but you weren't that way because you had friends like i feel like it's the people that don't have

friends or like don't have a personal connection to a gay person i have never i could tell you look you in the eye and tell you this i've had 50 to 100 gay friends i was involved with drugs and i've never had a gay man come to me come on to me oh not even as a joke like something like sometimes oh you're looking good today joey don't make me show my friends to you yeah they like uh what what my friend used to say i had a gay acting coach for a while and he would go up my place they love bears like you he would always call me a bear yeah bear yeah he would always say i don't get insulted by that uh-huh it's if you grab my cry yeah you don't want that i've never been disrespected by a gay man yeah but ever ever ever at all i don't think anyone would want to disrespect

you though you have that thing that kind of commands respect well that energy you know if you won't respect you gotta give respect yeah i have gay i have robbed gay man's uh grabbed gay man's asses yeah i took a gay guy i took a gay guy's hand to put on my dick one time not on raw but over the jeans eric not raw eric i would never do that just to break the ice yeah i don't want you to be nervous yeah hey buddy come here come here you cute little motherfucker let me slap me in the ass and they go crazy because they expect a guy like me not to like them yeah that's why they expect a guy like me to reject them i will if i know you're gay i will be out of those shoes you know like they're on the plane in the store this is just gay isn't right oh somebody that motherfuckers

i lay into from the time yeah your head do is magnificent tonight that's the thing that's great about love it yes you're goofing on them but at the same time they're loving it yeah because you are showing acceptance oh my god i have not seen those shoes since cats 1982 oh my god i love cats uh that's because we don't we don't expect it from uh you know i would think people would think of you like as a tough guy who's the best hugger at the family store uh just in martin there nobody gives you a better hug than just in mind that's true that nobody when just in mind helps hugs me my back breaks a little bit i get a little sensual and i remember it's just my friend i can't be copping a feel on it but i think just isn't a good influence on the the

guys at the store you know like it's nice to have that yeah i don't i i've never really heard especially in my world and i'm a dirty mother fuck i've never said i'm not gonna eat that fag comedian i've never yeah we're all brothers nobody gives a better hug than just in martin there and nobody was a bigger comedy friend to me when i was on drugs then uh your boy when i was having my problems he was there for me he was clean for a long time yeah who you talking about upstairs sunday night oh adam yeah there was a time when he was captain a a yeah right he was struggling he was struggling and we would talk on the phone yeah and nothing to do with uh we know when it comes to that shit listen man

my mother didn't raise me to to be like hateful right now i love that i love that now pedophiles i'll fuck your shit up well that's a hole i used to drag those nuts in county park and fuck and beat the fuck out of him you would good yeah those guys that come over that confused they want to come over and get the dick sucked by 16 year old boys who would beat them up yeah time to time i mean there might not even be a way for you to answer this well he was saying like we have a close gay friend i've always had gay friends do you think it's a different experience for the gay guys versus gay girls or is it similar like you think it's different i think it's harder for i think it's harder for gay men to

get accepted around straight men um and i think straight men have a give lesbians a little more leeway i think um it's changing and uh but i i feel like i would get accepted by men because there was no threat there you know they're like oh it's just like it's like a buddy right versus some straight men don't feel comfortable around gay men i never thought about that yeah what was that i'm sorry just that she she feels like it's harder for gay guys to get accepted rather than like a lesbian like i feel like so i feel like a lot of straight men aren't as accepting of uh gay men they're they're like feel threatened or feel uncomfortable but i think straight men don't seem as intimidated by lesbians now now between us yeah us talking my mother encouraged me to be

friends to everybody my stepfather on the other hand could not be in a room if there was a gay man in that room yeah yeah and i would not let a gay man touch his head he wouldn't spit on a gay guy but he wouldn't go out of his way to make conversation with him his inner his mental his beliefs you know young were he told me he goes in cuba if you were gay yeah the parents would take you shark hunting because it was like a shame oh really you know if you look at the in the latin community it's very really tough no some parents are 100 accepting right the ones the revolutionary cute like if you watch sellya she had a brother uh-huh they killed that mother really don't talk over killed that little gay boy you know that wasn't uh big now cuba does what they do whatever

yeah my the gender the two generations before me they were raised to be i walk into a barbish out there's a gay guy i gotta walk out yeah i didn't know i would say i would ask him you're embarrassing me i'm not gonna stand in there with that faggot he yell it really yeah really so that's the thing yeah some people are raised to that it's and some people i look at them as human beings yeah i have fun with them and i write jokes the best way to do i used to get drugs at ramrod's when i was 19 i used to go to a gay it's called ramrod's it was a super sized three floors of fucking gay shit lesbians on the second floor with lingerie there were lesbians swapping spit listening to like soft jazz oh yeah building building things and the third floor was

the people want fists up there yeah which i never knew he didn't go up to that floor you know that's where you gotta get the kid you gotta go to the third floor the game of death oh really you gotta go to the top floor to get the goods everyone's ramming each other oh my god i saw a guy giving a blow job one night up there it was a work of art nobody could suck a dick like did you learn anything by watching no i watched him well the guy was upside down that he was blowing oh my god so all the blood was in his head so you suck somebody's dick in their bloods in their head your dick ain't got no way to go so this guy was sucking his dick at the speed of motion like a choo choo train he was like those wheels on the choo choo train and he was focused and he was just living with the guys balls

he was perfect throw it was like he learned from the rush yeah perfect throw usage you can see a russian run they run perfectly and back is straight yeah those and i learned nothing but i was like that you were just impressed yeah i'm gonna get a dick suck and that's the way to go for a small nickel maybe 10 bucks whatever he's working over there i thought he meant 500 he meant five dollars in those days was the 80s a gay guy would suck your dick for small five hours a cute guy like yourself i expected to be at least 10 no i already discussed when i'm gonna pimp you out when things get rough oh yeah oh yeah he has a couple different scenarios i'm gonna put them on that app rindon

oh for sure that's what i do from ktla met that guy yeah grind before grind the dates uh-huh that's what those motherfuckers will kill you they'll cut your head and put it in the refrigerator like domo and then jerk off with your little skull every fucking day you gotta be careful online now they open up your mouth in the freezer yeah are you on any dating sites i'm on the i'm on my buddy's on grinder and that's it's pretty intense well yeah because they just want to fuck yeah they don't care at all you could drop him off anywhere our friend uh-huh he's like get out of the car anywhere and he spits the app out he presses a button he gets like a a signal like a bat like bat man i gave bat signal hits the top and before you know the car's pulling up before we

even make the corner those gay guys have it down to a science it's so interesting but that's because there's no woman to pump the brakes you got two dudes just horny fuckers just like let's get to it it's the woman who's always like oh wait wait how did you meet your fiance uh i met her at gay pride in chicago really yeah we were i was there just hanging out and she was there we had mutual friends and we just started talking and as lesbians do we basically been together ever since now have you had exes have you had a couple exes out there yeah i mean i definitely dated people before her and exes call you up and say you're fucking big time now i they pop up here and there for sure because they don't want to be friends with me still and some of them i don't

want to be friends with and some of them i would am friends with but i just don't see them very much but you know you definitely have those people who because i i'm on television or whatever they think i'm successful they are trying to continue to be in my orbit but you know you just let that i mean because i'm engaged now like we've been together three and a half years like i know there are lesbians who are friends with their exes but i'm just kind of like i'm just living about like why you know like i've got my fiancee we're living our life and i don't i have a lot of friends i don't need to necessarily go hang out with my exes you know what i mean when are you getting married when is the date we don't have a date but probably probably next year tell me about

your ideal wedding well i don't want that traditional ceremony you know i don't want to like be in it well i can't be in a lot of churches they don't allow it fuck them i'm not allowed to do that i'm talking about you on a fucking horse i want to be on a horse joey i don't want more i think i want like the ceremony part to be like how a rehearsal dinner would be like just dinner with my friends and family and get married in front of like 20 people but i want a big party i don't i don't really care about a big celebration so the wedding what i would invite people to would just be like the what the reception would be at a wedding but without all the family everybody's good yeah everybody's doing carolina or chicano

probably here here yeah i've been out here 16 years and what are you fucking poor folks gonna do in north carolina they're gonna come out here she's just getting married in north carolina nice on the rocky mountain they chased me with a bottle out of there no there people in my hometown are really cool about it but i just all my friends are here i don't want to make a bunch of people have to fly to north carolina you know so it's easier for my family to come here i don't know where we'll get married i mean it's everything's so expensive but i'm really hoping martha stewart will just throw me a wedding i just kept marrying the fuck i don't know one of those chapels on lucha mm-hmm have those fake chapels you're going

there and you can put the set that's why i got married you really they have a they have a chapel on uh cold water that little brown thing oh yeah turn it to whatever you want yeah you can have little pictures of Elvis they'll put a different screen you can be at the grand canyon yeah you and her and then rent down the fucking hall i rented out the hall at the hollywood bowl oh and by the on a wednesday there's a hole at the hollywood bowl yes before you get the hollywood bowl down the corner there's a little hall and they have a kitchen that man it's it's like 60 people but there's rocks behind there yeah and we're going outside and smoking and i got married listen when you get married how long ago was that 2009 okay and i got married on wilsh uh-huh we picked up

fried pork chunks from old cochinito but straw me from langas the best fucking there you go sandwiches in town and we picked up 100 pieces of fried chicken from uh a rouse they cooked this fresh my wife's from the south yeah and no gifts allowed yeah i didn't want any gifts i didn't want nobody to feel stressed or right right dress how you want if you can't come to school yeah and it was one of the best weddings i haven't went to we had a little music you dance i cut a cake there you go and i don't i don't like weddings to the drama no i don't want a long boring drawn out thing you know yeah no i'm happy you got on here today i didn't know that you were writer and all that stuff yeah i i it means a lot to get to do this because you know it's

coming up at the comedy store i was i'm a little shy like people don't know that about me because i play crazy characters but i'm a little shy so when i was coming up at the store i had a tendency to sort of be more of the observer i would kind of be in the corner watching people and i'm friends with plenty of stand-ups but i didn't really put myself out there in the way that everybody knows each other so well and i would have like nice individual relationships with stand-ups but i never felt like i was like one of the one of the guys or one of the crew but like the stand-ups have been so nice to me and in the last couple years especially really reached out to me and i've really just appreciate people i don't know the other stand-ups show me love and show me respect

it means it means a lot to me you know how tough it is in the stand-up business to get men's respect you have any idea you either got a suck-hard dick which is not having a driver's to the next game you have to do something right when i look at you when i look at Eliza and everybody i give you all the same respect i have a six-year-old what happens if my fucking little retard here wants to get into comedy right i want you know there's only a retard would get into comedy right but what if my little retard wants to get into comedy i want her to get the same respect i give you that i give whitney that i give uh any other woman comic sarah kiana doesn't matter you've earned the respect you've gunned it out there with men

you know i my mother was one of you you know not a lesbian right my mother was one of you guys yeah that you walked into a room and you go i'm here if you fold you're done yeah you can't show us your fear yeah that's very tough for a woman i had a birthday party a couple weeks ago and i invited mostly men a couple girls i did that for a reason so my daughter could feel comfortable around the group of men she learns how to have confidence she learns how to compose herself no you shut the fuck up they've been telling me to shut the fuck up you shut the fuck up yeah when you have a woman that knows how to say that because a guy will say you don't know what you're talking about shut the fuck up no bitch you shut the fuck up and what what mother fuck i'll cut

your in his head with this bottle yeah and that's how you get respect from men yeah men walk out of the room going fuck i'm never saying nothing unfortunately again you know what i'm saying you don't you don't get it by arguing and crying at the end of the conversation you don't get it that's when we fuck with you i guess i should give thanks to my two older brothers for beating the shit out of me give me a fucking back in the day what nationality uh like irish yeah listen there's no tougher people in the world than an irish sister who had nine brothers yeah because we've i get punch i get punch if they didn't kill you they put you under the hamper remember they put you in the hamper and lived uh-huh sat on top of that blue cigarette smoke in there irish brothers

do all that they said when i was a kid they would like uh try to get me to come towards the steps to fall down the steps they'd be like come here like they were a little shit but i guess it doesn't make you tougher but i just yeah i've had a lot of really great stand-ups be really good to me bill burr has been like one of the best dudes to me a lot of it's just so much respect from the guy at the comedy store we see it we see it i just i know who's faking i know who's down there pulling down her shirt to show me cleavage yeah and i know who's up there oh i'm gonna show you some titties oh all right all right where you performing this week uh i'm in london we have a lot of family we have a lot of church family in london i'm in london it's coming to us to coma washington

kansas city st louis columbia missouri all over missouri uh and houston texas so come out to a show speaking of houston i will be in houston this week yes uh fortune thank you again for being on the show uh christ killer yes who loves you more than me kind of like houston i'm coming and i think all the shows are sold out of four out of five is sold out so get your shit together it's all over but the shouting i'll be there this weekend all right and now for a word from our sponsors all right i want to thank fortune fiemstein i want to thank the fucking christ killer extraordinary and i want to thank you guys for making it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive it's going to be a great week monday i'm going to houston but the church of what's happening now is brought to

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that's manscape.com use promo code church for 20 off your first order like i said it's Monday wash your nutsack now after you got your area all cleaned and everything listen you got to get everything together i know there's people who got problems out there and they're for all different reasons sexual performance issues are more common than what you think one in four guys suffer from ED but he could be treated over 25% of new ED cases are coming from men under 40 why do men turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they can instead turn to medicine and science because getting older sometimes means certain parts of the body might not be working like they should they start revving that engine up again and and with ED treatment for hymns you'll be back

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care of you on a monday morning again i want to thank four hymns.com i want to thank manscape.com i want to thank fortune i want to thank the christ killer but i want to thank you motherfuckers for letting me come into your life on a monday morning i love you guys have a great week houston see you thursday night cocksuckers kick this muley a little tony benett there for these motherfuckers some somebody twice as smart as i or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company

wait and see i mean i want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so fine and that's when i'll discover that revenge is sweet as i sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart