Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #667 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: March 18, 2019

Steve Simeone, a stand up comedian, seen on "This Is Not Happening" and heard as the host of the "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: My Bookie - Join now and MYBookie will match your deposit with up to a 50% bonus of your first deposit up to $1,000. www.mybookie.ag. Use Promo code CHURCH to activate the offer.   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.    Recorded on 03/17/2019.  

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you know I'm saying if not you got to wear a fucking mask fuck that go to honor.com right now pressing code church and get 10% off your motherfucking order kick this fucking mule Lee it's Monday the 18th of March little talking heads for you cockseptice. That's right. A large automobile. How did I get here cockseptice? It's the church of what's happening now and keeping it we got Steve Simone the makeup the Christ killer and your uncle Jory right here here we go It's fucking jam kills me now like now it don't fuck with me but now at this age you hear this and you're like fuck whenever I look at mercy I hear these words like

how the fuck did I get here? I was just in Colorado leaving a prison I was minding my own business I didn't want to bother nobody. In the blink of an eye. In the blink of a fucking eye dog. What's going on? That's my fast man I'm doing good. It was great to see you last night fun night on fire last night fucking Josh punky I mean it was just great to see the fresh faces of yeah you see him back there fucking hauling beers and shit and that one minute they just come up to you and it's your shot yep you never fucking know you're back there watching dishes yep and they came up to him and then he came on I tried to get the Chinese kid on chained chow chow chow man or the

board that I love that dude so much and he's like no he's not paid right I'm gonna put him up yeah you know he was sitting he goes thank you but they won't put me up because I'm gonna pay right now what are you gonna do but seeing punky and Josh I just earlier in the night Lucas Rowe went up and ripped it too Lucas was done yeah it was great it's weird when you see these people you came up but not Lucas the one with the eight kids no the bartender kid okay the other kid looks like opi from Midwest that kid yeah he did great he lives in my own apartment get out of here yeah and trade I didn't know that yeah he moved in he always tells me

I found the grandma blow on there okay I didn't leave anything I had coke falling the wall one night and Terry was up and I'm trying to figure out how I'm gonna gonna bust that wall like how does that happen yeah because I went to hide it I used to have a hiding spot above the leg like if you and any of that that whole apartment had molding around the door around the door okay so on top every molding was always something a straw so just in passing I could just lift my hand up grab a straw right from if I needed when I would have something on every molding in that apartment a half a gram of blow gram blow something I had them in

all those ledges there was times I wasn't looking for blow when I would find blow wow but I never found blow after I quit I was just gonna ask you never found I don't think so I thought I did one time it's like something else I never really found shit when it was over it was over there was no more what a blessing that's a blessing one time I was in fucking Oglala Nebraska driving back from Detroit I was doing a fucking now a three-nighter in Dearborn Michigan and something broke on the car the axis in the backseat and here I am in Oglala Nebraska and as they the girl drove me to the gas station and a

fucking guy told the car and there was a hotel right next to the fucking gas station was a miracle from God that the $48 I just got paid I didn't have the 48 and the 90 for the tire mm-hmm but this is this is what happens on the road this money was going somewhere else but now I never forgot I used to live with Chinese food in that car wow so I used to weigh out coke in there from time to time and when I lost some coke in there and here I am in Oglala Nebraska and I'm getting all the quarters out I'm getting the rolling paper because I want to have the car for the whole day and something made me look under the seat and there's

a fucking statue of a rock that had been there for like a month a rock of coke just under my seat that'll be like a gram and a half I took that motherfucker put it my little pocket Oglala was tremendous that I don't even know what the fuck I ate when you find shit it's a surprise you know like it was that's the last time I got surprised it's like finding money in an old jacket or something you're like yes oh my god such a good one time I was in the Jersey Shore and one of us had to go home to get more money like we're just tapped out it's Thursday and the weekend was coming nobody had fucking money all right

and I go let me jump in the ocean I take the bus ride up it's like an hour and a half bus ride I jumped in the ocean I popped my head up and there was coming at me a bill and when I went to scape it up was a lot of bill like oh my god shorts and put it in there was a lot of bill nobody went down the shore we went got hot roast beef sandwiches with Swiss cheese on the boardwalk oh that's great when you find something like that when I find the dollar I'm happy it makes me excited you find a dime when you go to put whenever I put change in the meter I always find change on the floor that's great especially like

in Sherman Oaks people don't give a fuck yeah yeah yeah or a cord and I'll give a fuck what's going on with your life brother life's pretty good Joey what did you give up a lot sugar really yeah I just made sure I would eat fish every Friday like I do I don't give nothing up I just give up fucking meat on Fridays and helps me to fuck up too yeah get makes you a little more conscious yeah you know what I mean every Friday I get locks and bagels now that's nice that's what's good about length I always got to get the locks on Friday or yogurt with fruit yeah you know little yogurt I haven't had my filet of fish yet I do

that once every lent on a Friday to remind me what it was like to be a little kid grab a shamrock shake and a flay of fish oh no oh that's seven years old I don't know what are your thoughts like after that I get I wouldn't have the shamrock shake now but no I get the fucking the one that you take home I mean I'm white trash too yeah I love fish anything yeah I get the Gordon's oh the fish sticks the fish sticks my wife was like what the fuck once he I break down like a box of fish sticks and I make it get that fucking macaroni salad they make a gelson's it's hard they can't make the dick in this town nothing

nothing nothing we live in Los Angeles where you think it would be more diverse and shit like that no even the barbecue place I was going to after I went to Houston last week you know I guess what it's supposed to case like I'm not going there no more no I'm the fuck I'm gonna use to the pop of those getting a bowl of fucking seafood gumbo for 12 they want 21 $21 for a bowl of gumbo I'm not a cheap dude man but there's a principle involved there's a principle there's something about and you go there and it's never done on time and the brisket was okay last night I went to some people's house with Mercy's friend

yeah real cool parents really fucking cool parents and they said we ordered some food are you guys hungry there you go is they the client yeah I'll eat something and they go there's like the best barbecue place in the valley oh my that's why I shit for time I woke up with the shit dripping out of my fucking shit that the brisket just tasted like pot roast with barbecue sauce on it the macaroni and cheese they use noodle macaroni drives me fucking crazy already the beans tasted like somebody fucking whacked off in them the chicken was okay it was men's on both but it wasn't barbecue chicken

just plain bone rotisserie yeah it's it's so weird when people think oh you must eat people were very impressed with the green apple that night yeah green apple that night I've a couple people I've been twice since your birthday since since people were really impressed with it not a bad but you know again it's Chinese and you have to restrict yourself like what to get in there because yeah you gotta order certain things off the menu cuz they can do certain things every time what's that the heaven chicken was like a sliced thin chicken somebody's cat you can feel the fucking the cuts of the meat and they blue

mushrooms on like a light little white sauce okay broccoli I don't eat the broccoli I just get that I get steamed rice I just got a couple of rice it's not bad yeah garlic fried rice is when you want to go overboard you might as well get the dumplings because nothing brings you back to the garlic fried rice a couple that is eight points yeah couple regular rice is like six so there's really no difference you might as well go and enjoy it go enjoy it it's garlic so you're not even meat there's a lot of vegetables in there so it's really just plain rice that's killing you all the carbs in the rice and that

yin yin sauce they cook it in because that shit's got a lot of sugars that's what you gotta that's what you gotta watch as well as sugar in it I want to do it's all deep fried all the stuff I like steep so that's not a bomb that the Steve at the store and I was talking about this gym I saw and I'm not looking to join gyms or nothing like that but this concept was very good what it is it's circuit training and you can go in at your convenience so I was driving the night and I saw it and I go wow that I was at a light and on that strip it's health strip and Sherman Oaks yep it's fucking every two things it's something

about health yoga water I guarantee they're banging you out for thousands up there because it's Sherman Oaks yep so I go home the babies to this day we're talking try let me go in the living room let me go to the computer room and just look at the the website for this great fucking what they're doing is great I looked up the benefits for people over 50 I had read about this stuff before that hit training yeah we go all out for three minutes then you rest for a minute yeah all out for three minutes and you just do like nine stations and the 32nd breather is an active so you're never just standing

okay you're always doing something light for those 30 so burns a lot of fat it's good for people over 50 yeah and it's really good for cardio really lifts your cardio from point A to point Z so I don't let me go down there check it out Saturday my day got too late but yesterday Sunday I don't go down there the girls were in church and I went down there and here's the thing guys your health is number one absolutely not your health you really can't fucking do dick you know you're immobilized to do stand-up and to do it successfully every week you know every other week and to be on your feet for long periods of time

that's a workout it's a workout when you get back to your room sometimes you like why am I so hungry and I have no points left yep I gotta dip into the fucking other points I got left and then you're like why am I so hungry and but they don't have standard you can't really measure what you're burning on stage during stand-up comedy you just know when you get back to your room you're exhausted you're fucking exhausted you're on the source side you know do you ever wear a heart rate monitor on stage no see why would I do something like that when I'm wearing a heart rate monitor in real fucking life okay

we're going deep today no we thought I should have fucking got your eye I tried to spare you but I think it's time for you to do the pill it's time for you to eat something sure why not it's Monday what the fucking what else are you gonna do you like you gotta know where to go tonight know what to be open mic action and shit go down there you be a little high you're above the levels a little high sure you need something sure you shake your little head in the beard that's all gone yeah before look at you clean the agent made your shave yeah he said I look younger he said I could I could do more so we'll see what happens

sure so good I guess he told me the same too now all of a sudden I knew I knew they were gonna tell you to shave I've been here for 20 fucking years they think they tell you just double you for the first time and what do you have to get like a little mustache I think Johnny NBC show you know there's the mustache of that no well right don't figure it out that's fucking weird but I tell you what kind of haircut to get there was agents I would tell you fuck yeah go fuck yourself yeah I don't want to work you need three shots oh yeah you told me what headshots what headshots do you have a tennis racket take

one with the tennis racket you was a family man listen just get use that headshot get the job you got to get and go on with your fucking it's all kickbacks right like they get kickbacks from the photographer and the whole thing they have the things that you have to join up for yeah you know they have all these little packages that you have to join to get seen yeah job and that don't that's not free you know we got to take this class I need you to take a commercial acting class they get a kickback from that they gotta kick back from that but you know what listen I'd rather you walk in there with a

direction you're never gonna put together an audition on your own it's you have to go to them you have to go to them and get burnt you have to go to them and go why am I going yes and then one day it clicks and you take a co-reading workshop and you keep going and then you're getting close and callbacks you got a pen in you but you're not booking then you for in that time you figure out how to incorporate your stand-up into that audition yes so now you take it back to Mitzi sure why does she make you do three-minute spots yep to teach you how to light up a room in three minutes everybody will say I

can't do it it's too hard fuck you you have to do learn how to do you have to learn how to do three minutes because she's trimming the fat off you yeah so you know how to make your presentation in three minutes yep how long is an audition three four six minutes depending on where you take it to yeah you could go in there and read it once and they'll say very nice to thank you and thank you have a great day thank you have a great day you know or you could work with them let's read it one more time give me a little attitude okay I got I got a hook somewhere something I did she saw that I got yeah now you're

right in the way but you're not gonna learn that in two days no gotta learn that with a manager and an agent that's patient yep that gets you out a couple times yeah commercial listen a fucking retard could book a commercial yep that's why it's so easy to get a commercial agent yes they know they know that a retard if you got a missing eye that might be what they're looking for get you the job look at the book all you have to do is you're gonna that bookstore in the book Samuel French Samuel French both of them are closing their closing yeah that one's closed yeah well the one on Hollywood it's about to close yeah

well they have a book called agents commercial agent yeah and when you open it they'll tell you what every agency is looking for comedians yeah what they specialize in and stuff oddities that's right that's what I got one day I was stoned this fucking I was reading one of those books a lot of the agency said they're looking for puppeteers no one of the guys on stills still Walker yeah something like that I fucking call the agent my name is Joey I'm a still walker I'm missing on my god a couple jobs my guy told me right now he's like the only other fat guy I have has red hair and it makes him look kind of scary so I think

I can do a lot with you I was like okay at least he's honest with you that's what you want I I think Lee's gonna book like crazy yeah I think it'll look like crazy that the right thing has to I mean it's gotta be the right fastball we'll see any he keeps saying he's gonna send me off for TV and movies too I just let me live in your guest house when you buy your estate of course I would love to live with you you know it's it's it's the TV commercial and the commercial the TV audition the commercial edition of two different animals yep and that's a really hard one to cross it's really hard to cross that bridge you have to

you know I finally came to it I finally surrendered and said stand up isn't fucking coming my way I better learn this acting game a little bit yeah so I got involved you can open up that door okay sure it's fucking hot here today it's a beautiful day it's been fucking gorgeous in Los Angeles the last five fucking days has me have you dressed and said I dressed too hot to go out all week all week yesterday morning I'm like I'm going home I'm taking a shower on this I'm throwing on shorts and a light fucking shirt that's it we're in season again that's great shirt season so goodbye at night it's a little fucking

cool but it's perfect I love it so we were talking about this this place I wanted so again I like to sell I like to be sold I would sell people mm-hmm when I go into your spot whether it's by a stereo something that have to contact with you mm-hmm I want you to sell me how I would sell you and I'll give you whatever you ask for yeah if you could tell they really care I'm gonna fuck with you a little bit because it's who I am I'm gonna you know like this place yesterday when I went in there right they wanted a certain fee 180 a month and $20 to to to uh let's say you have to travel they shut the account down if it's

$20 to open and reopen it or Bali shit the Bali technology you had to buy that glove you had to buy I'm very happy at my place but I wanted to see what they had going on yeah and it was so weird that the guy sat me down and he was like this is what we do here but the yardstick included now first of all I knew that he like he wasn't the boss okay so I would still have to get approved so I'm gonna I was thinking of going back on Tuesday and just torturing her just to say yeah I'll sign up cash but no fucking wave the annual fee yeah they because they wanted an initiation but even that it's not worth it to me it's

too much money 180s a lot I don't spend that on jiu-jitsu unless you're a fucking world-class athlete it's going in there five days going in there five six seven days a week unless that that it really doesn't I don't need that much attention I already know what I'm doing those I love where I go I love the conditioning over there I love the conditioning classes I love the jiu-jitsu program I love the Muay Thai I was just checking out what was out there yeah you know I love I love where I left where I left I love it too nice and easy quick yeah and you're out of there no drama how much is that every month I think it

comes out the way I paid her to seventy seven dollars a session or something like that okay a weird thing but it's you're working like one-on-one with a trainer yeah because seven that's right she racks away she does everything I don't even know what I'm lifting that's great she has the stop time she's got the fucking pencil everything is done by science she sends me an email the next week of what I did the week before I would love to do a place like that I didn't do I plateaued on my chest but on my legs I improved 8% that's great so I haven't you know at this age I've been really from what I talk to doche yeah

what I've spoken to guys experts people about like people who train people yeah is that I'm trying to look for what's the most beneficial in the time that I have yeah okay I will never work out at night I lose my focus at night you'll tell me 10 times use your right hand use your right hand after 3 o'clock 2 30 my shit is bad like that like yeah already my alertness is from fucking six to one maybe two after that I can't it throws everything off yeah everything is thrown off that's why I try to find the program where I could go right in the morning without procrastinating that's the secret that's the secret I don't

even want to think about it nine o'clock kickboxing yep it's perfect for me yep there's no procrastinating I got mercy boom she leaves I jump in the shower and next you know I'm out the fucking door to go kickbox yep there's no procrastination whatsoever I don't have to wait till 3 is 6 I'm not gonna go I'll fall apart yeah I won't fall apart I'll fall I don't even like to think on the days where I'm going to jujitsu where it's just like okay I gotta wake up and just go because I'll talk myself out yeah you'll talk yourself I should be writing yeah you know what I'll go tomorrow yeah that's why I always do

something on Monday if you don't do something on Monday today I already fucking worked out already yeah you don't do something on Monday you're behind the app yeah something happened now Tuesday is the biggest audition day there is if you look at your fucking schedule over the years you realize that Tuesday is always the beginning of the casting session okay it's the first couple characters then they call you back Thursday and you shoot in a week and a week and a half okay Tuesday is a big audition day that's why I don't like Tuesday activities I want to get my working out fucking done Monday morning

at least one I gotta jump now if something happens Tuesday I got Wednesday so that means I got two before I went on the road yeah I'm definitely gonna fucking lift one of those so I got a lift in there if I go to a hotel room and they got weights I'll do the weights if not you can walk on the treadmill walk on the treadmill do the elliptical or I'll go to a kickboxing gym like usually I go to find those on the road yeah oh that's great I look on Uber I see what it is from the difference from the hotel if it's more than 20 I don't want to go to it's too far it's too far for me it's gonna be 40 minutes out of my life but if I

Uber and this says fucking 750 yeah I'm down there you know I'm down I'll call the hotel and ask them whether there is kickboxing gymnast before I get on the plane I've never done I really want to learn those Muay Thai low kicks it's interesting because I learned something from Rogan Rogan always flying one night earlier and he had the internet Rogan always had the internet mm-hmm but Rogan had a fucking system that was brilliant he's a genius he'd go downstairs to the concierge and ask him what's the best restaurant in town and he'd go there with the four of us we'd eat and he'd tip out 300 bucks wow you know how fast that word

gets out yeah that Rogan's in town so meanwhile you're paying for fucking Facebook ad just go to the baddest restaurant in town yeah and tip out 100 to two people it's like Sinatra show yeah and the next day at the fucking show people there wow that were at the restaurant the word gets out they go out you know they go there's a bar staff yes the cool kids people yeah they go out of 10 they go to a bar afterward the city starts to jump in and they start talking and there's no better word than word of mouth it's quicker than fucking anything it's quick and anything guess who is at the palm you know that Steve

Simone it's such a so you can look at it in two different ways I look at it's going to kickbox like I don't want to fucking eat a steak at 10 o'clock at night I don't give a fuck but I'll go kickbox you take a picture with the guys they put up on they all start telling all the friends tell their friends it's the same psychology you know I'm saying and you have a good time and you work out and they'll I'm the way home they'll give you a run home and we'd yeah yeah don't have weed just Kansas City Zach's gym they were fucking great people when I go to Columbus that's a great gym hope yep crew hope is fucking phenomenal you

know when I go to Albuquerque I go to Winkle John whoa and he taught me a little about that so cool and I did the podcast yeah yeah so that they're all up they're into you coming in that's when I go to Jersey they always taught me to come to that one jiu-jitsu place but they're gonna beat the fuck out of me when I go to the stress factory yeah and new Brunswick they have the East Brunswick Academy I think that's what Gary Tone is that and all those killers that move break your legs they're like but they want you to come by yeah the UFC gym that closed in February that was my home away from home wow because the

UFC gyms are fucking phenomenal I've never been in one a UFC gym has something going on every now something that you like and that you can do that's awesome and that you don't need a G or nothing like that they starts at six and they go to like three in Fairview they had like a strength and poly metric class where you get up on boxes you hit a speedbag I love doing all that different stuff you're inspiring just to get you out of the hotel yeah listen you're still gonna get your two hours of writing and you're still gonna watch your show on Netflix you're still gonna take a nap but it's just nice like I was telling

somebody when I travel I don't like to eat I like a Morton's or a fucking popular place I want some of the cities flat oh that's my favorite I always ask for tips that whenever I go into a yeah yeah I'll tell you yeah fucking tell you they'll tell you what's good and then you see what like the you know ten people tell you one place four people tell you another and four people tell you another then I decide by what's the closest okay and where there's not gonna be a line and where you know yes what's the easiest if I'm gonna go the other side of town I gotta wait now that's not where it's coming no that's an hour there like this

barbecue place is intended for you gonna pay somebody to wait in line yeah no around the corner there's no line and no 90% is good yeah I put those across the street and no head at the bar exactly no well headache don't worry about none I don't want to get no car with this train exactly I'm good I got right here I still right now some kind so gave me a fucking free dinner for two to chewies I got the coupon on my desk next time I go when I go in Dallas or San Antonio hopefully somebody's got a fucking chewies and I go in I got two fucking dinners already that's great love all that shit I love all that shit those

little jumps you know you have to do something when you travel a lot yeah you know I mean you go on those road trips at Ari when they go skiing and shit I don't know I don't do any of that I just go to hang out with the guys I don't know how to ski I don't know did you go this last time no I'm gonna cuz I like he brought me the first couple times he started to do it and it was great just to hang out and have laughs but first off it's gonna clutch at five six hundred dollars just to get this stuff like he'll work out trade but I gotta get a lesson now I tried the snowboard once I fell so hard I'm not make it I heard

people scream in three different languages at once that's a true story I was going down the bunny hill on a snowboard I fell on my back so hard I split my jacket like I flat on my back and at the same time I heard like oh my god dios míos and then I heard shizer and I was that I was like that I took the board off and I went back to the thing and I there was no bigger addiction I had been skiing at one time how did you learn how to do it you believe that it was one of those things where when I came from Cuba my favorite James Bond movie was Her Majesty's Secret Service okay when I first saw people skiing I

lost my mind and then I had to wait and wait and then I became like this half a criminal yeah and then when I was 18 or 19 one of my friends said to me that he had a thing to go skiing at the Playboy resort in Pennsylvania so like up in the Poconos yeah up in the Poconos it was like 10 o'clock skiing and I didn't think about anything I didn't know the variables of what was involved yeah I don't know that the sun goes down you know you forget all those things now when they are when you're outside it yes and I'll never forget getting on that fucking thing and it being just freezing that's the I don't like the cold Joey

that's why I moved here and then when they dropped you off it wasn't like I didn't know what it was at that time but it was just a sheet of ice that you were gonna break your fucking neck yeah and I'm not again I'm not ashamed to say this I made them take me down in the fucking sneak snowmobile yeah I'm not doing this where they got yeah don't play me 18 I made them take me down the snow I probably think I was 17 how far did you get I came with the gondola or whatever the ski yeah I sat there I looked down there was a breeze like a wind yeah yeah and I was like no yeah I just had like a fucking this is you know I didn't

understand anxiety I didn't understand breathing and like it was all too fast for me yeah I looked down I saw that hill I saw ice yeah forget I was like I'm not doing this and I told the guy I can't do this yeah some of the people laughed at me I don't know how embarrassed I felt I was in shape I had like a hooded fucking sweatshirt on like I and they ski guard came over yeah move the skis the guy was pissed he was like you didn't even give him a try and I felt like I fucking lose it and they put me in the back of the teeth like I had it fall off yeah they dragged me like a fucking idiot that I was and I went

back to the fucking hotel room started coke with those other athletes yeah don't blame me and they forgot about it after like a month and nobody told me I was a pussy no more and then I moved to Colorado and I would sit there in my fucking job and look at people come down this hill yeah and people go don't just ski and I would just be a negative you know I was just a kid not the only fucking pussy ski you know and what the fuck is what are you saying Joey yeah only pussy skis the faggy fucking sport look at them out there freezing yeah who would want to freeze and more and more people I'd see them come off the hill

they'd be happy they'd be refreshed yeah they had fucking red eyes and shit yeah and they would tell me how they were smoking pot and eating mushrooms I'm like that sounds like that sounds okay and then the guy I was robbing at that time I was in drug dealers big and I had like 20 30k put away I had wow put away I had blow put away I had jewelry put away how were you this is I was nineteen 1983 20 20 20 and I was living in snowmass village and I had worked on a house with a carpenter mm-hmm and the people weren't coming home for that winter so I hid all my cash I had a key and I had the alarm code well I would

just go up there watch TV fucking bring food up there like a beautiful home it was a beautiful home that they had redone it was four condos next to each other wow and I would walk into the one so I put all my stash in there in case they raided my house they couldn't find anything so smart I thought that I'm smart as I'm a piece of shit they know how to get I would never know how to do any of that and the guy next to me I lived in D12 in Creekside the guy next to me and I became friends my just neighbor for a day and one day like before Christmas like December 15th mm-hmm we were talking he goes my father

died mm-hmm yesterday I don't know if I go home I can't afford it and I thought about my mother and whatever and I went to the condo and I just fucking five hundred bucks and I went back like my man I don't really know you go see your father wow go see your father pay me a hundred a week yeah you know and he's like nobody's ever done this I could just take it they were good guys mm-hmm he was from like Minneapolis or something but he was also the general manager of sport Kailin okay sport Kailin was the big ski shop up there the best one like the best that's when you went when you were filthy rich got you went to sport

Kailin and when he came back he gave me like 250 goes my mother gave me money take this 250 and I'll pay you a hundred for two weeks and $50 okay goes listen I really want to what you did for me goes come up and many time you want to ski it's on me wow and at this time me I go I never ski before and I keep putting it down he goes brah I'm one of the best ever is on the hill even if I have to leave there to give you a lesson wow that was nice so leave there and give you a quick lesson so Christmas you know Eve comes and then Christmas day comes I got no family yeah you got to remember up there the weather is completely

different 60 degrees up in Aspen is completely different than 60 degrees how so because there's a low moisture effect so the snow doesn't melt but it stays warm I don't know if I'm saying it correctly so it's warmer up there but it's still snow on the mountain you go skiing you come down with a suntan yeah in Colorado when you go skiing in Aspen snowmass it's beautiful I would go just for the scenery right when you go skiing up there that Ajax when you go skiing Ajax you do three runs you come back with suntans that people want okay like I wouldn't even wear shields I would yeah I did wear shields for a while

and then sometimes that my buddy gave me a pair like combination glasses that has a rope on the back because I didn't like that I like the suntan I didn't want to have those racoon eyes and shit yep so I went on Christmas day it had to be lunchtime 10 30 mm I was sitting there watching like a fucking parade like a mumbo we had like maybe 20 channels we had cable and we had USA and I said you know what but take this off I walked up there at some burgundy beef at the stew pot which is three doors down from sport cam and walking to sport cam like I want to go skiing and he goes just what you had had jeans a t-shirt

like a hooded sweatshirt he's yeah this is what yeah and he just went got me everything new wow pants a shirt the whole fucking thing gloves boots that demos they would rent skis but he gave me the good stuff the demos that's awesome so he would give me like the people from Texas come people in the old business and they're gonna spend eight on laws for basketball yep they don't just give those to anybody like they would you know if you come in and drop 20,000 with you for four kids I'll let you do whatever you want right you know if a dealership knows you're gonna spend money and you tell them I want to

drive the car around for a week they'll give you a car for a week wow yeah the level of money up there was a level of money is staggering you know Justin when he goes you know I saw the level of money up there it was so weird how that those homes are five and six million dollars I got that that that that that that and also remember that's somebody second or third or fourth or third or fourth that's six million dollar home they're not even there mm-hmm they got a kid for 200 a week they pay you know whatever ninety six hundred a year to something for somebody to live in their fucking six million dollar out yep two

bills a week you get and free rent and you got a shovel you got a mold along you got a paint yep you got to make sure everything's up to par when they come into town and then when they come into town you could fucking go you disappear for three months so you would set your schedule like that so I went in there he put everything on and he goes this I'm busy it's Christmas day so can I meet yeah at the ski lift meet me over at a eight or something mm-hmm and I'll give you a quick lesson and I'll never forget he goes just put the skis on the ski over to the thing bro when I went outside he's like he taught me like a

couple thing yeah he goes all right you see that blue sign get over there show my pass and I'll let you on for free wow and he goes I gotta go back in and he went back in you know it took me an hour get over yeah falling yeah I believe it that's why I don't do I finally took the fucking skis off and I walked over yeah one walks like I just landed on the moon I walked over there put the fucking skis on and I go Jesus Christ I don't know what I'm doing I hope I'm doing the right thing and right away when the thing dropped me off I didn't land on ice I landed on 24 inches of powder you see your feet just sinking

they just pull yourself and it was bon voyage and I that first thing going down man we scared I was scared but I was happy that I wasn't scared got you but now I had to figure something else out how to stop yeah because he taught me like a little thing how to plow yeah you put your knees together to slice or whatever yeah so I met him after the first run he goes oh you did it I was fucking like so I had my heart was beaten I could feel I was hot like I'm ripping off stuff because my beat my fucking adrenaline was going everything was going he gave me like a quick lesson I swear to God all on Christmas day

1983 that's great he gave me like a quick we went up like three or four times did it and he goes I gotta go back to work you run your own and I did like two more and the next day I went to get up and I stopped right here your whole body was so I was 1920 and I'm like what the fuck was that there was muscles in my leg like the whole top of my leg yeah the whole band and at that time I was running in the bag riding a bicycle that uses complete different muscles like three days to get up off that fucking I got up the next day and walked around so I cursed it for a couple days he goes ah I was laughing at me you went skiing you

fired up with a pussies oh that's great it was fucking amazing I told him the truth he goes come back in two days and all that stuff is yours and I said don't even worry about the 250 don't even worry about he's like no let me give it a go don't don't worry about it I kept that stuff and I went up there and I knew so many people in the town that they wouldn't charge that's great they would just go up to the top of far away road park your car and walk on there's a little thing there and you're past the limit when they check the badges yeah like all those little local tracks local tricks so I would go up there and then I

got the job house it and it was on far away road so I already knew how to ski you could just ski right on from your back right from my back door I'd go right down and mixed right in with regular people and get up to the thing and then go all the way to the top I got so it so the whole 83 I skied every day from January 1st to February 1st I had no idea and never in a million years when I get to yours every day I was up to 185 was the whole fucking thing I was buying goggles I had a spot of love in it love it and I went to New York didn't do it got fucking lived in the park yeah went through all that bullshit with my

uncle yeah you know stayed there and then I came out to Colorado in July I was back I ended up in San Francisco back up an aspen back in college back in Boulder and when I called my buddy to check in with me goes bro what are you gonna do this winter I don't know he goes I knocked up my girlfriend we're moving back to Jersey if you want the house sitting job it's no masks it's yours when can you be I could be in two fucking days he goes come on up he didn't tell the owner of the house wow the owner of the house called when they goes how's it going I go this is Joey goes who's this I go Jimmy how to leave

I'm his friend from Jersey I've been here for two months he was I'm flying out to meet you and to get references and to get a deposit from you what did that guy do what do people do that have that kind of money he was on the board of chairman of the board of Friday it's TJF right wow and in the two years and the year I was there his family he came once and then his daughters came once in two years that's how many properties they had the girl told me we go to Italy we skiing they were skiing in Switzerland wow like they would ski all over the fucking world the girls but when I went back in 86 in 80 85 mm-hmm I went back

in October of 85 and I went right back and then I got a job security at night I did everything I could so I could ski in the daytime that's what everybody does up there I was like a security at a hotel mm-hmm and I would pick people up at the airport at the hotel from 4 to 12 they gave me a three-mountain ski pass I wasn't gonna go to Aspen and Ajax there's too much from me I sold those in those days they were transferable so it was 1200 for the season give me six so you make money right from the bathroom money would say nothing to you and I would get up there 10 o'clock 11 o'clock ski fucking till 2 2 30 smoke dope

take a shower and go to work that sounds awesome tremendous shape eating like a savage you're in higher altitude so you burn more yeah your body naturally burns what was eating like a savage up there and then you get to find you know you start trading out hotel rooms like there's three hotel rooms in a shutdown because the baddest break for it or something some more you got to your mother's in town yeah come on over stay at the hotel room we're gonna bother you for two days you know took they would work at the top of the hill like they work at a restaurant so now I can go to the restaurant and eat on the out that's

great it was sensational I loved it I skied with with a cocaine habit I never did cocaine and skate like oh my god it was my release from the drugs but from 85 I skied that whole season and the beginning of 86 and then I left the asthma and it broke my heart like that was that was I didn't work out all I did was ski just had fun out of a no I didn't even have a punching bag at that time no didn't even have a punching bag I just skied but it's so weird how I tell people once I moved to Boulder I started dating this girl in 91 when I did comedy and I tried to do that five in the morning meet and drive to a snowmass

and ski I that was I was done already I'm a man of simplicity yeah one side with five to drive three hours that's not skiing for me yeah like that's not like he because if you if I this was like when I saw Ari last year wouldn't he break his foot he recently broke his broke his wrist broke his wrist he broke he's broken something almost every year every ski trip the reason that's why that's another reason why I'm like I'm not doing I love skiing but the reason the problem is that Ari if you live in LA you have to go up here once a week to stay in ski shit okay like Big Bear or something yeah because this is

the deal if I say to you right now no matter how much money we have I go to A I'm taking you to add snowmass village avail to ski or whatever the fuck to ski you that you haven't done it a year yeah so first of all you have one natural enemy as soon as you get to those ski resorts and it's called the fucking the altitude altitude yeah that's it so when I perform at the comedy works again I have to I'm like oh I need to drink some water I need to sit on the stool a little bit I'm dead but there's no edibles the first couple days there's nothing because you don't know when you might bend over yep all it takes is a

bend over and you hold in your breath and you go to grass and your mind not getting the monk oxygen and also your mind spins out you get fucking anxiety it happened bry fainted up there first time I did a bong it so you can't so when you go back up there you have to be in ski shape mm-hmm I never understood people who go up there and what do you do ski for two days you're not gonna be able to walk yeah you're not gonna be able to walk I'm going up there next year with mercy but I'm gonna take her up here first yeah get her a sort of reduced like little baby steps get ready place you can drive to but there's a place you

can fly to up here I don't know I'm just gonna take a fly up there and take the plane so she doesn't get carsick and get a ski if she adapts to the ski like if she says daddy this could be me yeah I would consider moving to southern Colorado right now I don't blame him once I watch Molly's game and I saw the beginning of Molly's games at the poker movie yes I haven't seen that in the beginning when she's skiing I would it brought me back I'm like oh I remember that yeah that's fucking fun like you're looking at it as a civilian going that don't look too good no you don't even feel that cold weather even when she

says it's 14 below with the breeze from the north it's not the 14 that people go through on the east coast got you see that see you're changing my whole attitude towards all of it that's a different 14 it's a different 14 it's still cold you're not gonna take your clothes off and yell kubaya right but it's not what you're used to so that's that's that's why if I'd go skiing next year I'm gonna make sure I'm gonna do it with my friend that in Jersey this year she went to a ski resort every Wednesday for a month to prep for her so she could make the most out of the trip that's smart because I don't drink right I'm gonna be married

well I'm gonna sit in a jacuzzi with a bunch of people to beer my fucking hand right none of that shit appeals to me I'm going to the fucking ski to get that good vitamin D Colorado air yeah it's so beautiful up there the air is clean like I would just walk around the little village and then when everybody would come back I love the hang because Ari would bring just such a good group of people all was human as easy I that's how I met Sal Volcano from impractical jokers for creation you guys this thing he had a good crew yeah he had a great crew this year I didn't go this year but he had like Bert he had uh oh Ryan O'Neill up there

a lot of laughs man he got married or something so was he before his wedding yes I think it was right after his wedding or something yeah Renaz easy was up there he's the best Renaz easy is the best he really is but there's nobody more fun than hanging out with that kid he looked good with the suit on I saw him on the thing with the suit on yeah he looks really good with the fucking suit on no he's a it's it's a great thing to ski I'm happy that I took that part of my life at that age like I look back at him go who is that guy no how did he get there yeah same thing from that song yeah in his jam I was like how the fuck did I get there you know it's like this week that's beautiful I was talking to Todd

Jordan from Denver and he asked me he goes why don't you a fucking door guy at the comedy works I had forgotten I was a door guy at McElvies wow you know and last night at the scene Josh the door guy go up there rip it yeah rip it and I'm like I remember being a fucking door guy and doing sound yeah I started as a door guy then the sound guy quit he was too cheap to hire another sound guy so now was your new job so I would see people and then go to the sound and start the sound then I would go back to the door and throw out drunk people wow then the bar back quit and they said do you want a bar back and I go fuck yeah yeah so they hired a door guy and I would do the sound and the bar backing but in the middle of all that I got into comedy

I got on stage at the comedy works and he found out about it the owner of Whitsend because I was a door man at Whitsend wait a sec you were doing that before you were even doing comedy yes uh the lord works in mysterious ways I became I got I took the comedy class in January I didn't have the balls to get on stage so I got a job at McElvies had to be around it McElvies was on the other side of Denver George McElvies was a guy that was in the tonight show it he was the real deal George McElvies was a comedian God bless his soul especially today on St. Patty's Day or yesterday uh McElvies was a guy that owned the club him and Wendy were not enemies at all okay Wendy loved George George just thought that he should own a club he had

been doing comedy since the 50s you knew Jackie Gleason wow he was an old time he must have the best stories when I got into comedy McElvies had was already 65 yeah I'm gonna figure he called me one day and only goes get in your car you meet me at Colorado Springs you're opening up for me at Jeff Valdez's club tell Judy Brown to go fuck herself she's gonna try to ask you for $40 to take a stand-up class you're waving it we're waving that for you wow me walking in here going whoa whoa whoa you've never taken this for you to perform on that stage you had to pay Judy Brown money 40 bucks and she would teach a stand-up for three weeks then you were prepared to go on the stage so everybody who worked the club had to go through that class McElvies was like he ain't

paying he sounds awesome awesome he would drink I would make him drinks and shit he would tell me where to put my jokes so that's I met McElvies being a dog guy at Whitsend because he owned both wow he was peon McElvies but he was partners on Whitsend so he had a guarantee like one appearance a month so in those four months I was a door man I got tight with him no man I was listen I wasn't going to go into this without looking over the cliff gotcha so before I got into comedy I got a job as a door man to ask questions every week I asked those comics questions like how do you do it if you're married where do you start why do I go there and there was a couple guys that were really good to me one guy in particular his name is Reno Goodale funny guy his clothes are his the

whole show he does the show and at the end he rips his wig off he's really bold it's great he has a toupee that looks great he just rips it off and people go crazy he plays the egg guitar standing ovation oh fucking yes looking at that back there was very it was a different act than I wanted but I saw him kill with that I got an ovation seven shows you know people losing their minds entertaining so he helped me out a little bit he told me he gave me his phone number and he says call me when you're running turtles but when are you getting on stage how old are you when this when you started this process early 20 28 wow okay I was out of prison I got the job as my first child was born so I got the job when she was about

10 or 12 months about a year old so I had two jobs at the time I was a roofer a roofing estimator and then at night I from Tuesday to Sunday I would go home eat dinner take a shower and shoot westminster wow which is before dinner wasn't that bad of a ride 20 minutes in those days okay and I would work the door you know standard one show Wednesday Thursday two Friday two Saturday one Sunday and I watched and I listened and I asked questions and I read the comedy newspaper that came every month and you know before I wanted to jump off the cliff and once I was ready I still kept my job like I was a pussy like I was a big time pussy I'm not gonna lie to anybody and tell you that I did it the right way but I had to be protected because I

needed to protect the girl my wife the baby and my real habit real life so I could just take a chance just because I wasn't I was married you know I had a problem I had somebody who they weren't they were from Buffalo you know she was a great woman she's the reason why I got on stage but when I was telling Ricky Cruz hmm no I was telling somebody this morning that you're always going to be a comedian mm-hmm if you meet a girl here next year Steve Simone yeah and you marry and she has two kids and you want to move back to Virginia and you become the king of Virginia I'm never gonna have a problem with you I'm never gonna have a problem with you if you quit I'm never gonna have a problem with you period but you don't have to live in LA to be a comedian

no I do not and it changes even more every year as technology changes things you do you don't need to be here I did it I I lived in Colorado when nobody knew you existed there was no YouTube yes there was no nothing and there was even a good scene there but I was always content there was a handful of guys that had a day job that worked weekends and they were doing great because that $800 is a lot of money now when you're headlining it's $600 weekends I remember talking to a guy in Indianapolis five six seven years ago at Christmas he was making 20,000 in December just doing Christmas parties and I went I should just move to another city I'd make more money people don't understand there's different levels of comedy there are a lot funny comics than what

you people are used to living in Minneapolis Milwaukee that you'll never know of because they're in a situation that they can't get out maybe they didn't raise the bar that high I didn't have the bar raised that high either yeah when I first got into comedy it was going to be a hobby some people bowl some people throw darts some people fucking you know it's so funny I say that to some people or they go I can't I go look man just do it if you love it just do it if it's if you really love it if you don't want my money yeah it's a hobby yeah it's a hobby yeah it's a great hobby it's like collecting stamps yes a fucking butterflies absolutely getting into lifting like I'm never going to be good at jiu-jitsu but I love going there I love you with the guys and I know

this is great it's a hobby yeah so when I picked up stand-up it was not there was no stardom there was no TV shows there was no nothing there was a group of guys that had to make it more fun in the way there was a group of guys that went out on Tuesdays and Thursday nights to the local open mics yeah you know they had their own room on Wednesday and every Friday and Saturday they were in some hell hole in Wyoming Montana Idaho you know a fucking Utah they were in some little small town who paid them 800 bucks and on top of the five or four that's a lot of money you know they were paying you know you know when you worked in Denver you got 50 bucks whether you featured 25 35 40 but once you started going into uh uh you know Wyoming river tan work in the

regional road work in the regional road like going deep underneath Colorado to Gunnison where Maryland was from uh Colorado Springs and all that all those one nighters those little rooms V8 W that adds up so your hobby is now uh yeah Tuesday and Thursday you're going up at the bar with your friends but they give you three drink tickets right and maybe they give you a sandwich and I get to see now you're going out you're having laughs and you're not spending money you know I had that room two years ago in uh yes that's what I'm looking for yep when you're living in a place that doesn't have a stage like New York or LA or Miami never fear you're still making progress absolutely you could be making more progress than people out here absolutely not

know it people come here and there's no stage time there's no stage time so you're making more progress in one of those little towns because you're getting on stage twice a night four nights a week this is Friday and Saturday it's band night sorry yes you know it's band night that's what night you schedule with your girlfriend those are the nights you get a job at a restaurant as a waiter yeah and then little by little wait till hey what are you doing on Friday night I got a gig so now after you tell the restaurant 10 times that you can't work Friday or Saturday they're gonna say listen you don't need this job no more and you just graduated a level it's so true now you have to get a fucking comedy gig on Friday and Saturday and make up for that money make up for that fucking

money so that's how it works it's just Friday and Saturday when you're in open mic those are your dead nights you're not gonna get no more you have to swim in your mind there's nothing going on yeah it's all the paid whatever you can make it happen you can still go to a bar and go listen what do you do here so we do disco at 10 15 do you mind if I go up and do 15 minutes yep it's the truth when people hit me up on facebook and they go I live here and listen all that shit is bullshit because I had a friend named Andy paid and he made gold out of shit yep I did comedy and all those beat up bars all those beat up mitzi told me that Mitzzi told me dice invited her and Argus once to go to the movies and before the movies started dice one and did stand up in front of the packed

movie yeah that's what you do that states up yep if you really want to do comedy like you have to I want you to do it as a hobby first and see if you really love see if you love exactly if you get off stage and you go home and you're frustrating you're crying at night because you really really really really want to do this for the rest of your fucking life you'll know it yeah you'll know it you'll start putting shit in the back burner it's in a dick yeah I remember me like as soon as I tried it one time it was always calling me in the back of my head and I tried to do everything I could because I knew how hard it was going to be so I tried to do everything else but each passing year I was like you know what I got to do this no and I ended listen I was the type

of guy I need to pay bills to but I also had a love for someone I understood that the bills were not going to be paid yeah with stand-up that I had to do other things yes my income yeah but that love that love is I'm getting that love back ever since I shot the Netflix special and put everything in perspective for me after 27 years or 26 years of time and doing comedy yeah every couple years you got a new perspective and this goes for just life itself yes you're not the same person you were when you were 18 and your thought process wasn't the same as a person when you were 25 how old are you now 45 45 and I'm realizing that I'm a white belt at life like I'm starting to go what do I really know what do I really want I'm serious what was Steve Simone doing at 21

at 21 I was graduating college trying to figure it out and then I wound up taking a job with MBNA the credit card company was terrible did you even consider stand-up at that time I had yes was entertainment on the radar I didn't think I was allowed to do stand-up that's the truth I thought somebody had I thought you had to come from a special family or you had to know somebody and I did an open mic that's when I got bit by the bug I got I did like what made you do the open mic what made you just show up to a comedy I always loved comedy to me it was the coolest thing it was always I grew up in a in a house where laughter kept us together you know no matter how bad things got we could always laugh and my older brother was the funniest person I've ever met my

life my dad is the best audience there is he would just die laughing and we were one of the first families to have cable and I remember those HBO young comedian specials I remember Carlin doing specials I remember seeing Richard Pryor I remember seeing Eddie Murphy delirious I mean as a little kid because my parents are cool they're like let them watch it and I mean I loved it from the first I remember my parents dropping me off when I mean I was two it's one of my earliest memories and my dad had tickets to go see Richard Pryor at the Latin Casino and I remember being two years old going I wish I could go with them you would to to to to I remember I remember getting dropped off at my grandparents house so they could babysit us and then my dad telling us because my older

brother was five telling us what Richard Pryor did on stage when they came to pick us up well how funny it was and what was the first time you got up on stage well I remember when I was in college I was too scared to ever do anything entertainment related but I took an elective class where I built sets for the play that's what I did because I kind of wanted to see like what that world was like but I didn't want to let anybody know I ever wanted to do anything about everything I could what did you read I remember there was a little magazine for actors that they sold in Philly at certain bookstores it was called the Ross reports it was a little paper I don't I just remember picking up the comedy episode issue with an interview with Mitzi Shor

and I would read I would read any biography I could on comedians I'd watch anything on tv related the comedy and I remember my dad took me to go see Don Myrera at the funny bone in Philly when I was 15 that was the first time I saw live comedy then the next time I saw live comedy I was touching the rafters of the Philadelphia spectrum the worst seats in the house we were sitting behind one of the flyers banners to see android ice clay and then the third person I saw do stand up comedy live once I was the late great John Panette I saw him open up for Sinatra on my 21st birthday I went to go see Sinatra at the Sands with my dad and Panette opened up I never go I want to do that I didn't tell anybody I wanted to do it but I saw what he was doing and I'm like a comedian gets to hang out

with Sinatra I'm like this is what I want to do what year is this that was 94 95 something like that that's what I met Panette right there when he had just gotten off the road I met him at the comedy works wow I got his autograph that and then when did you so you got on stage how old were you being on stage first time I was on stage I think I was 22 I did an open mic in Baltimore where I went to college and I did like two or three of them and then the oh and I brought all my friends and I killed but then my friends stopped coming after two weeks and there was nobody there to do the open mic and they canceled it so then I it was the 90s comedy was dead I remember calling clubs trying to figure out and they didn't have open mics or if they did have an open mic it was

once a month and then I was like I can't I didn't have the courage to go to New York or LA at the time so I just took a corporate job but in the back of my brain I always thought about it I always thought about it and then I'd like go through the paper and I'd see if there was a comedy show I could go just go watch and then I remember taking a comedy class it was fantastic did you take the comedy class oh my gosh I don't want to say the guy's name but he was fan it was Joey I mean imagine was in Philly at like a casting place they taught a comedy class so this poor guy is trying to teach comedy in Philadelphia and he's got like a lot of theories and stuff like that I remember this dude in the class just getting mad at everything he's saying he goes

well why should we listen to you what makes you so funny because I'm a professional comedian my friend and he goes you've never done anything funny in this class he goes oh you don't think I'm funny okay all right all right everybody we're going to make pretend that this is a nightclub and I'm about to perform and he goes all right so turn down the lights and then you announce me and then everybody clapped when I come out and and I'm like I couldn't believe I was watching it and and everybody's clapping he comes out he was like hey how you doing I'm so and so I come from a tough neighborhood the name of my parish was Our Lady of Mike Tyson that was his first joke and I was like this is the guy I'm learning from that was like oh this is too well those are the

guys those teach those classes yeah the guys that teach I stayed in the class because I felt bad for Bill Byrd a fucking teacher in the class of Rogan you know what I'm saying exactly I mean so those are the guys that teach the stand I mean the guy who taught me my stand-up class wasn't a great great comic but he knew little things when I got stuck the first year I would call him and he'd tell me what to do like he was good at that stuff like don't go down there you don't want to go over that go over there and do that yes but he taught me strategy that's good don't go there go here because that gal see here and he knows this guy this guy this guy if you go to Steve Simone's room yeah he'll put you up then he's got nothing else everybody hates him because he stole that room exactly peace

yeah he started to give you all the political landscape so don't go by chicky peas he's dead go to this guy because he's got six rooms and if he likes you which he that's a whole other side of the business that's a whole other business that you know because you think it's just about making people laugh yes but that's like the least important part the strategy you know the strategies that you watch people I mean you don't learn them you watch you know it's part of Mitzi's whole program was getting put you on the door so you can watch watch watch what I told you we were talking before we started the podcast how enjoyable it is to sit in the back of the store without people shaking your hand and talking to you yeah even comics when I'm watching somebody the comic wants

to talk get the fuck away from me get the fuck away from me I'm watching yeah I'm enjoying watching Mark Marin I'm living it I'm going into his fucking world if you want to say hello now wait time the fucking hallway you want to give me a fucking hug and shit right well they want to breathe in here with that bad breath sit there leave me the fuck alone you see I'm watching this fucking guy and and enjoying it and enjoy it you look at my eyes you see how high they are you see you see that you can see the veins from the other side of the room it's dark in this motherfucker what does that tell you that vein is a do not disturb sign on a fucking door leave me the fuck alone yeah hey how you doing I'm great I was great to you bother me yeah now I was getting to

alley Wong stay the fucking mind here yeah and figure out how to drop a bomb on yakuza because when you follow alley Wong you're sitting there thinking how am I gonna get in yeah I hope she ends right now so I got it in yes you're starting to figure out how you're gonna jump in how you gonna get it in yeah yeah how am I gonna connect you're not gonna go up there with your dumb ass fucking material no I hope she throws a lob at you in the end that you can have something to play right in that fucking I hope the audience has something weird on the way up because I got nothing right now yeah I got nothing you know you're in the original room it was built for you to try shit you know so that's what that's what people have to understand especially in the original

not even fucking I'm sitting back there hypnotized I'm watching the best of the business just like you are so much fun I'm watching the best of the business whenever I get lonely I just go down to the store and watch and I feel so blessed to be a part of it you're sitting that last little seat there I took bottom under that yeah there's bucket seats there's fucking um thank god for mitzi thank god for the fucking I don't even know I would not be in LA if there was no comedy store I would not be here I wouldn't have I wouldn't have lasted I'd I want to leave now but I can't leave the store I could leave LA tomorrow but I can't leave the store Mark Marin yeah I got brought up Rogan brought him up I brought me up by mistake and it was Marin and Marin went up there

and he goes you know you guys gonna have to wait to see fucking Joey Diaz have a heart attack up here or whatever you know and I thought about it when he got off he goes he's mad I don't know it's the truth I go you know when I go up to the original room I leave my heart on that stage and if I do have a fucking heart attack I hope it's on that stage mm-hmm I hope it's on that fucking stage I know what you're saying I don't give a fuck if it when it comes to the store like I don't give a fuck anymore that is my home you destroyed last night I've been I was that was a hot room and I was like oh I can't wait to see what Joey does look I ate a bag of dicks in there what night about 10 days ago on a sunday night I did a show I was not supposed to be on you could I could use

all the excuses that I want mm-hmm I just went up there I was unprepared my head wasn't in it it was a sunday night I was watching 60 minutes about syria rocky 3 the first time I fought club or lang where you're like your head wasn't in it just my head wasn't in I went up on stage and I had friends in the audience and I just ate a bag of dicks and I remember calling Lee on the way up and on Lee I was laughing I go at least I have good sets in Houston and he goes how do you know I go because I just ate a bag of dicks in fucking store so I know I got five good sets coming ahead of me it was happy I've heard of all year oh my god that's so true oh my god I didn't understand it he didn't understand why can you be so happy I go because I'm getting out of the way yes you

understand when you're doing comedy for two years you're bombing five for five it's not fun going out but the longer you do it the percentages go down just remember you are gonna bomb yes expected yes just be prepared and you could be fully prepared you can have your a game I've seen everybody bombing the over bar everybody at the peak of their powers oh my god I bombed in the main room so bad two Sundays ago so that walked out of there I didn't say goodbye yeah but whatever you tell me that was one of the first pieces of advice you told me you go Stevie if you just get out just leave get out just leave the room get in your car just go because if you the whole night you're gonna be thinking is that your last spot right did Missy see this yeah yeah she did oh no

Tommy Missy was in the building yeah all right oh fuck and you leave there and you're like oh I remember when I was a young comic it's funny if I had a good set I'd go well somebody's gonna give me a tv show like if I had a good set I was like yeah I should have my own show but if I bombed I would go I gotta quit that maybe this isn't for me and then the life bro yeah you're gonna have bad days absolutely and you're gonna have good days if you get your panties in a bunch about a bad day yeah you're done if you have a bad day on a monday well you're having on right you just go eat a roast beef sandwich no this is it it's all i'm gonna do today with some pepper chainies I did that yesterday I did that that doesn't have to do yesterday

do what you gotta do put your head down eat your sandwich go to bed and you wake up with this new outlook mm-hmm and sometimes you just gotta get punched in the face Tuesday night I went down here and now I'm on a different level because this is what I'm doing I'm sick and tired of PC comedy yeah I'm sick and tired of jet apple tone this bullshit I'm sick and tired of these people criticizing yep I watched that I am Richard Pryor on Comedy Central Friday night there's a new spec we're trying to get Jennifer on Jennifer Pryor on either this week or next week wow that'd be a friend of all up on that that documentary oh I heard the priest told me about that documentary he said it was great oh oh I watched it the other night my heart was beaten you know when he came back from Africa

he said he wasn't going to use the word digging no more just Richard Pryor was on a different fucking level man yeah and uh I just decided even before I saw that I don't know I'm going to the store to do one thing yeah one thing only because I want that same mindset when I go on the road for 15 minutes I want to beat him up like I do at the store I don't have to change my act like when I go to the lab factory you know I'm probably gonna change it up because I'm gonna hurt people's feelings no yeah I'm going full speed ahead I went up on stage yeah like Rogan was in there and I don't know what got over me I went up there like a fuck maybe Tuesday night Tuesday night last week I went up there and Rogan was going to improv and he goes what are you gonna do you

like come over here nah dog I'm gonna stay here and he goes what's your infactuation a little something with the economy so I don't want to fucking go to improv man yeah I want to stay here and he goes all right I'll watch it I go all right wait maybe I'll come with you so he goes I'll watch I just told him I made over dog I went up there like a fucking animal when I got on stage he's like Joey what the fuck did you say is that new this this I go Rogan I don't know what I said I don't care it's got nothing to do with me no more I'm gonna go up there push the envelope every fucking night a little farther you create something I start walking people like I'm done yeah I love that I love it's a force of nature I'm going into the original room and the main room from now on

to walk people good I don't care what comes out of my mouth I'm gonna put it on a piece of paper bring it down there and go off good and if I die so be it if I destroy the room so be it but that's what I'm using it for it's just too good it's it's I have the gym that everybody in the world I have gold gym yes we have access to gold gym when you want to be a bodybuilder in the 70s what did you do did you stay in Philadelphia no you packed up and you went to the country you lived outside in Venice there was no rent yeah there's no way people lived in their cars people live in the car there's no rent you live in the beach and wait till they shoot you off and all day you're outside fucking lift don't wait I am at I have the I've had the benefit in this life

of losing a mother being a junkie going to prison but there's a flip side to that fucking coin and the flip side is that God put me in a place where the best stand-up comics in the world have walked into absolutely the world yeah the world something I could never even imagine in my whole fucking life when I was starting I saw it's incredible I saw the comedy story as this as this planet yes I see Mars yes like it's there I completely relate to that we're gonna be on it I would hear people telling stories kinnison and dice at going howard stern back in the 80s and 90s and tell stories about late night craziness at the comedy store and I've ever seen gary shanling on the tonight show you can catch him this week at the comedy store all those books I read about

comedy everything was about the comedy store the comedy store the comedy store and that song you played the you may find yourself yeah I sometimes I'm at the comedy store and the hair of my arms stands up and I go how did a kid from Delaware County Pennsylvania wind up in the back of the comedy store watching joey Diaz destroy this room like last night I saw you on stage and I almost started to cry I was just like this is it this is all I want out of life like I'm living my life I'm at the greatest place on earth what else do I want I don't want to know no I don't want to join if that's what it feels like I don't want to go fucking see brabis I don't want to say nothing no I just want to do I have four I don't want to do specials I can tell that's about a special

oh people I don't care about any of it I just want to go out on stage I don't I'm right there with you I will fucking put this so right there when I hear no way I will put this out on a cd you have leash up with that fucking thing and I will start from scratch again that's what I did let I recorded a cd last week I don't give a fuck and I'm at last I was telling fat james stories and I'm like this is what I want to do I don't want to do specials I don't care I don't want to do none I rather put up youtube clips yes that's exactly where I am having a fucking blast yes having a fucking blast you know yes what date you got coming up little brother dude I am done I'm the only thing I have is I'm on a cruise ship in April oh you come with me in June I'm gonna take you

somewhere in June it's time for us to do something I would love that let's do something let's go fucking get together I would love that I'll kill a motherfucker anyway I want to thank you thank you and I do have a new album coming out I'm going to call it Jabba when is it coming out probably within the month I'll let you know let us know and I'll retweet the dates because I know these guys love you they want to thank you the last time you were here was great Lee and I obviously went off the fucking reservation it was a classic it was a couple did we order sandwiches that day yeah that's the day we order sandwiches that's the day we order sandwiches $60 on three sandwiches you fucking believe that ladies and gentlemen $60 on three sandwiches because me and fucking

Godzilla will be here with that fucking eye thank god we have the voice of reason here the Christian I think I think it took like an hour for him to get here and they were gone in six minutes oh I didn't even laugh and Lee can't stand I don't know if I want the chicken eat it Lee because you I could see you over me there was one sandwich yeah there was like a lizard like a fucking frog yeah Lee's the type of guy that'll tell you no two times like he's like that girl that you show your dick to and they cover their eyes but keep one eye open that's Lee you're like Lee you want to buy that sandwich not really I'm not hungry I'm not gonna eat it I'm not gonna eat it and all of a sudden look at you go you sure yeah awesome just his tongue comes out wraps it around like a

piece of sushi he goes right back into his mouth fucking hilarious he would need to check I don't know if I want the chicken problem with one of those sandwiches the sausage the sausage and pepper the sausage and peppers unbelievable we were too fucking hot at that yeah when you started to fall asleep I'm like I've never seen this dog 30 fucking years ago I've never seen a gorilla biscuits those fucking edibles and I haven't eaten this are you sure I think I had two with you that night and that was it yeah they're strong yeah so that's it I'm done I'm pretty much done with edibles I just been smoking and we got some new bongs some new track four she dropped two of them off I'm using one for Mike Tyson I'm keeping the other one at the house I've been smoking dope with

fucking ice cubes with distilled water oh my lungs feel tremendous in the stamina I don't know I put distilled water in the sleep apnea machine I only fill it up once a month I might as well do something with it yeah it's just collected dust in the fucking corner it makes a difference yeah so I put it in my yeah yeah I had to start putting water in the apnea machine man I was waking up at two in the morning fucking dry I go pee it smells like fucking dead and it's yellow and brown because I'm dehydrated I'm done I had to start putting it fucking in there so if you have the sleep apnea machine don't forget to refill that fucking reservoir it drives you to fuck out too much and affection later on like I said I want to thank Steve Simone I want to thank the Christ

Killer and I want to thank you motherfuckers don't forget Pittsburgh improv there's four tickets left for the first show and all I got a late Thursday show for uh April what are we much yeah April 6th all we got is Thursday and don't forget 419 Fitzgerald theater pre four fucking 20 and then 420 motherfucking the paps theater in Milwaukee the home of Jeffrey Dahmer come on out and have a fucking good time beside that I want to give you a word from my sponsors our first sponsor's been with us this day one I want to thank him with all my heart I want to give a shout out to Audit when it comes to supplements they're there to help you one of the best fucking companies in the world you know why I love them so much and why do business with them still because they're one

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monday morning don't let nobody fucking stop you kick this fucking muley i want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart somebody twice as smart as i or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see i mean i want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so

and that's when i'll discover that revenge is sweet as i sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you like you profile