Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #668 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

Eleanor Kerrigan, stand up comedian and co-host of the "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in JOEY.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.      Recorded live on 03/20/2019.


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The pigeons are out, motherfuckers. The ice is gone. The Irishman is here, the original. Eleanor Martinez. I got my main man, the Christ killer. Fucking Lee Syat with the flu for two weeks. What kind of Jew is he, you know what I'm saying? And you got your uncle Joey coming at you

with little fucking Sylvester. Kick it. Oh shit. When black fags were black fags, baby. This is when we were doing it. This is when we were doing it, motherfuckers. When you were proud to be a fucking fag, dance with it. Kick it.

Oh shit. Oh shit. I love this motherfucker, Sylvester. This motherfucker was black, beautiful and fucking proud. And gay is a motherfucker. There's something. There's something. I gotta task you.

Oh shit. There is something that I want to know. He wants to know, baby. Is that Muffler Clean, cause I'm coming in. No way, come on in. You had the answers. Here we go. So tell me what I want to know.

Oh shit. It's Thursday, motherfuckers. They got a fuck. You know what I'm saying? If you want to fuck, let me show you how. Here we go. I want to see black people jumping up and down right now. And you know, I don't give a fuck where you are.

I don't respect. It's black history month, every fucking month. Turn this shit down. I'm fucking ready to go here. What are you fucking nuts or what? Eleanor Kerrigan in the house. That song reminds me of trading places. Remember that scene?

Remember that? Who put the cools out of my fucking cupboard? Yeah, but the black girl with the real small tooting. I was like, I could do that. I could do that part. When he busted that song, I loved that jam. That's a great song. I loved that jam.

We lit Judy Kelly's teddy bear up one night to this jam in the back of the car. What does that mean? She had a teddy bear in the back of the car. And she was crying about her ex-boyfriend because she cheated on him. And we lit the fucking teddy bear on fire. We're all coked up in the fucking teddy bears melting.

Right? How many things did he sit on fire as a kid? Oh, don't worry about it. Probably everything. Everything. You have to. It was like a thing. Oh my God, if you don't understand the light on fire,

I used to light more bonds on fire. My little brother started a fire under his bunk bed. We were like, what's that light? And then he's like, I don't know what happened. And it just got bigger. We were like, oh, shit. Fires get big fast. My mom could have lost everything.

When you were a little kid, I started with lighting fires and pissing on them. When I was like six, when I came from Cuba, I would light a little fire in the corner and pee on it. And then one day I went to the fire across the street and the fire got out of control. I ran out of pee and I ran away in the fire department. His hose didn't work.

I'm from my fucking window. Yeah, you know, we light fires and it's fucking tremendous. Ari Shafir was bad with that. Do you remember that? We used to light them all the time at the comedy store. Who's terrible? They lit a fire on fire and they blamed it on me. That was Eddie Griffin.

Somebody lit them on fire. I don't know who it is because I got to blame for that. They blamed it on you? I was in Miami. I guess they locked them in the bathroom and they fucking lit them on fire. I got a call from Princess Cori. Like, did you light a fire on fire last night?

I'm not even in fucking town. Be honest though, did he give them the idea? No, Eddie Griffin used to call him Lucifer and he'd be like, fire, burn up Lucifer, burn up. And he used to light matches and throw them on stage at him. I used to pee my pants, but up there. Eddie, they're getting close. I didn't know they locked them in the bathroom.

I forgot about that. What was the deal with him? He didn't like when you walk crosses. What? Eddie Griffin didn't like when you walk crosses on stage. He would say, get that Satan thing off because he used to give Marilyn a hard time. You got that voodoo around your neck.

Maybe, I don't know. I hate when people wear the rosary bead. That gives me anxiety. Because I'm a Catholic school kid. You're not allowed to put it over. You're not supposed to put it over your back. No, like Madonna. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot of people do that. If you got them wrapped around your hands and you're praying at the track or something, I'm with you. I'm with you. I took rosary beads to the track one time. I needed the 20, you know what I'm saying?

You need the 20, you better take those rosary beads out. You start rubbing them real hard. Like it's gonna come to life. Do you ever like, when I first became a Catholic, like as a kid, like I still remember all the things, but once like I got indoctrinated, like if you asked God for something and you didn't get it, like God, the Mets better win today.

You got mad. And you got pissed, like fuck God, that motherfucking don't work as the Mets lost. And then my mom would say, you can't ask for things like that. Right, that's what my mom would say. What? You fucking crazy?

But what is he for? I'll get it. It makes sense. The Mets can't cover by two runs. What good is he? You know what I'm saying? I'm not asking for much. Probably because there was more people

in Philadelphia praying for the Mets to lose. Think about when the Mets played the World Series. How many people were there? The 86 Mets? 86 Mets. Is that what you're going with? Like that dropped the ball at first base. Bill Buckner.

It's Red Sox, a big Red Sox fan. It's funny how many people were like praying like, please God, let him not catch it. And they're like, I told you, God answered my fucking prayers that went between his legs and shit. God hates that guy. Remember when they put him in Curve Your Enthusiasm? Bill Buckner, I mean.

And it was a Jewish thing. You might know this where you have to have 10 people to say prayer. It's, what's it called? 10 people, you have to have 10 people. So Larry David brought Bill Buckner and they wouldn't let him in. They were like, no, he's bad luck.

It's so great. I love that they still were as that guy. Oh my God. Oh, and Boston, talk about getting set on fire. I thought they were going to kill that guy. Yeah, I thought they were going to kill him too. Didn't the guy, Scott Norwood, didn't he miss a field goal for somebody?

Buffalo Bills and he fucking tried to suicide. Well, that's, yeah. Like Buffalo people don't talk to him to suicide. Probably talked him into it. Yeah. I was listening. Like talking, what's his name? When he talked to Frankie Five Angels and Godfather too.

He talked them into commit suicide. You gotta have a party. You just have a nice Italian party. Yeah, they have a party. Take a bath. And then at the end, they put a bath and they slit their wrists. And that's how they got the guys like.

Well, Comedians always complain about like the negative stuff you get on social media. Like I remember this year, like the Bears kick or miss like four field goals in a game or something. Like he must have had to delete his accounts. We had billboards. Can you imagine an entire city?

They were sending him money from Philadelphia because it happened against the Eagles. Oh, they sent him, they sent him this Venmo. They were sending him money in his Venmo. Thank you for missing that kick. Thousands of dollars people were sending him. Philadelphia's evil, bro. They had billboards of that guy in Philly after that kick.

Thank you to the Bears for like crazy, lit up everything. Cause I always thought that I came from a weird neighborhood. I always knew that. That's not funny. Not weird in a sense. Mine was weird too. But it wasn't like the neighborhoods I saw on TV. It wasn't the shit that I grew up with

that I was growing up with was not on the Brady Bunch. Never. But I never felt more at home than when I went to Philadelphia the first time. Isn't it the greatest place in the world? Sorry, Lee. It's not that it's the greatest place in the world. It's so fucked up that it's great.

The attitude, they just don't give a fuck. My first contact with those people was in the 8th grade when I went to see the Stones. And I didn't know anything about concerts. I didn't know anything about music really. I didn't know anything about social skills. I knew nothing about leaving my name. Yeah, I knew about social skills.

But I didn't know that there was people that were, but I feel like that in all the East Coast now, like you feel that immediate thing. The certain neighborhoods, yeah. You know, I loved all that. I love watching old sports things. Oh yeah. Because they really show you the heart of the country.

Like you get to see, like I love to see Ohio State in college, I love when they play, you know. They go crazy for that. I loved watching the Houston Oilers when I was a kid, when Earl Campbell played. I hadn't seen anything like that. People were blue and white bombons. Everybody fucked them doing it at Unison.

But Philly, they were just animals. And I got into the Sixers. Once Julius Irving became a Sixer, my whole life was a Sixer. And then Daryl Dawkins, we showed Daryl, we showed, I showed somebody. Simone. Steve Simone, yeah.

I showed him the Sixers against the Portland Trailblazers. Clyde Drexler. But this is way before Clyde Drexler. This is the Maurice Lucas. Yes, okay. They had a tremendous team and Bill Walton was the center. You were a little girl. I was a fucking little kid.

Oh, cause I'm like. And I still remember that the Sixers were gonna lose. But Julius Irving slammed dunked so bad on Bill Walton. And Bill Walton was trying to call him offensive. Now I was always a fan of Bill Walton cause he was hippy and he smoked dog for that long hair. But when he tried. Just a little bit of a baby.

When he went for the offensive foul against Julius Irving, I lost all respect to him. Like that was done. Like just take that you got fucking slammed on him. And not only did he get slammed on him. And that was old school waiting. If you watch the move, it wasn't that he slammed on him. It's that he took the rebound,

took the ball all the way down court and looting defenders. And then it was just him and Bill and two black dudes chasing him. And he just picked up that fucking ball and he goes, you know what Bill, I'm gonna lose this game. But you're gonna remember this slam for the rest of your life. And he just slammed on his face that the Bill Walton lands,

you actually see Bill Walton telling the ref. No, offensive and the ref's like, fuck you. But if you watch the move, yeah. You're like a man. And it was. Especially back then, man. If you ever watched Julius Irving, Julius Irving. I watched, he was our God.

He was my light. I mean. We still play games and call it Julius. Everything is Julius. Everything is Julius. He used to hook people. Julius Irving, they let him get away with that for years. And I use that.

It's a little hook with your hand. And you hold the opponent's waist. And if you watch any of Julius' move, his best moves was when he step out anytime you. So when he put his foot back, he would take off. So he learned how to put his foot out and go back and fake. And when you came back, he would take off on you.

But he would take off on you as you were coming towards him. But how he got around you was with that hook. And he would always hook you, push you. And in that play, you actually see him like, fucking hook and Bill Walton. You always would see his hand get in between two people. And he just threw it the fuck down. And after that, Bill Walton lost all credibility in my eyes.

I don't give a fuck if he falls or a fucking building down. And he was fucking son. He was fucking faggy, fucking son, the coach of the Lakers. Oh, he's good looking. Yeah, but he's nine fucking 82. I'd rather have an ugly coach who wins. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather have that Eddie Munster looking coach

from Arkansas. He looked just like grandpa in the Munsters. But that motherfucker, no, Houston. Houston, when they had five slammer, jammer, the coach looked just like Eddie Munster. That's hilarious. Just like grandpa. Grandpa.

But he didn't want to manage those motherfuckers. He's good looking, and he's got LeBron. He can't make it to the playoffs. What good is he? Yeah, but LeBron pays by himself. He's he's he's I don't know what's going on. I do know that they get tortured. Yeah.

That LeBron sixes are phenomenal right now. Celtics to sixes or sixes or better team. But they're both young Celtics. You haven't shot a fucking ball in 22 years. There's no you. So but I never say we. Well, you remember, I never say we won today. That's because Boston's a better city than when you grow up.

That doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter, Frankie. You didn't fucking even throw a ball in high school. So did you ever play basketball? No, I'm Jewish and I'm short. No, so then don't say we. You didn't do whatever I'll say we do you guys. Do you guys get emotional watching?

Like I I'm not I get I get made up. I get made fun of no matter what I say. So who cares? But like now when I like on Instagram, if I see like replays, especially of the teams when I was in school, like I'll start getting almost teary eyed. Oh, yeah. We were talking about Julius talking about Julius

fighting Larry Bird, one of my favorites. He got him by the throat. My favorite picture. Two facts, scratching each other's faces. Let's throw some punches here. No, Julius picked him up. It was Larry and I'm a big Larry Bird fan too, but it was just so funny.

I was like, oh my God, Julius is going to kill him, right? His hand was like all the way around his neck. No, but Larry talk a lot of shit. Yeah, well, Larry just put, Larry was so good. He didn't have to say nothing to you. It was that stupid looking on his fucking face. I've never seen anybody make it look so awkward, but amazing.

When Larry Bird shot 40 points against you and he wouldn't change expression, that's something that's psychological. Like this motherfucker's got nothing. I gotta crack him. It's like his shorts were getting shorter. It was very, he was my favorite. I mean, Julius was my favorite top all time,

but then it's Larry Bird right after him. Is Julius Irving still around? Yeah, he's on Twitter. We were on a flight last summer. I was so nervous. I would have had a heart attack. I'm not telling you. I was the same way.

I sat next to Barclay, and I didn't say nothing. Oh, Barclay, I love. To the end. Yeah, but I've met him a million times. To the last 10 minutes. Julius Irving, I wouldn't say anything. I didn't say a word.

I was scared. I could just break Julius and go, listen. I went to your fucking converse clinic at Fordham University in 1975. What do you have to say about that? When you showed up with your kid in the Mercedes Benz, and you got out of the car and we were all waiting online like little fucking morons.

That's the only time I wait online as a kid. To see. And those days, yeah. Remember, he wore those shitty converse sneakers. It's amazing. When Julius first signed with the Sixers, he also signed, they designed the sneaker from Converse, and it was called a limousine for the feet.

And he, if you bought a pair of limousine, remember sneakers were converse with 1099, 1199. $10 if you get them down Delancey Street, the Jews. If you went down to Delancey Street and told them I'm the first customer of the day, you'd get them in the chinks and try the town to go for the time. The chinks were the best.

The chinks were the best. But then there was Coach Converse. If you wore Coach Converse, you might as well put punching bag on your head because you were gonna get smacked 50 times. It was a big difference. There was a dollar between Coach Converse and regular converse Chuck Taylor's.

So if your mother didn't go to the extra dollar, let me tell you something, you might as well, you know these people that get cyber bullied? That's nothing compared to the beating you were gonna get. And God forbid you didn't show, listen. You beat them and throw dollars out. You could only show up with converse. P.F. Flyers was second and Keds came in a tight third.

That's hilarious. But if you bought your sneakers from Panty Pride, if your sneakers slip and slide, take them back to Panty Pride and all that shit. We used to torment you. My mom bought me sneakers at the fucking supermarket once I was a killer. I knew kids that would come out with new sneakers.

If it'd been 10 minutes, they'd be sitting in a corner crying, like taking the sneakers off through all the way. Oh, like my mother bought me shitty sneakers because we were tormenting them, especially in the spiky neighborhoods, like 140th up there with my godmother. Those kids were poor.

But they made sure they had Chuck Taylor's on because nothing is being poor. But if you had Chuck Taylor's, at least you could step on out and they would take them home every night, those poor kids and they would, they'd take that same toothbrush, they'd brush their teeth with it

and they would scrape the bubble gum and the shit off their sneaker. Those sneakers were immaculate. You used a different toothbrush. I did that. No, you did. Not Puerto Rican kids. Not the ones I hung out with.

They had one fucking tooth. I used to clean my shelter. Bro, I hung out with a Puerto Rican family so poor they had one toothbrush for the family. No, come on. Yeah, everybody came in. Everybody had to pick a number. You gotta learn how to steal at that point.

It was like a deli. You had to pick a number. You had to wait online. Number nine. Let me get cheaper sneakers. You could have bought another toothbrush. And then the kid Ricky would sneak in and they'd take the toothbrush

and put turpentine on them and shit on them. And then after that, you took white shoe polish and you put them on your white fucking sneakers. Like these kids were so poor. I had taken life for granted. My sneakers would get dirty and my mom would throw them away and buy me new pair of sneakers.

Oh, that's crazy. We didn't do that. The Sedanios, the Irish kids up above 140th Street. Those sneakers lasted you a year. Yeah. You made sure because you brushed them. My mom used to wash our sneakers sometimes. If it would rain, those kids on 140th Street,

they would just take their sneakers off and run around barefoot. They were savages because there's no sneakers meant everything to them. Everything. Everything to them. And then when the sneaker died, you tied it together and you threw it up in the air

and it had to get on a cord. So you would have 20 sneakers on that cord as you were growing up on the electrical cord. That's the best. And once a year, the fucking guy from PSNG would come out with like a gas mask on and fucking gloves. And they have to take all the sneakers down. I mean, this was just a process that you did.

You would judge by your sneakers. I thought that meant there was a drug dealer in the neighborhood, no? No. What? That's what white kids fight, like they come up with rumors. I thought sneakers on the line

just meant there was a drug dealer in the neighborhood. No, that meant there was a drug dealer in the neighborhood. That was a kid that said, I don't want to throw away my sneakers. I don't want nobody to take them. Yeah, there you go. That was the thing. Okay.

But people wear those chucks till they had holes in them. What? Your toe was coming out. Yeah. People wore chuck tailors today, 50 year olds and above. I guarantee their feet are fine because all there was with that cushion,

you put a pair of chuck tailors on today and you feel the fucking difference. Yeah. You're like, Jesus Christ, a glass could go through this. Mm-hmm. Like a glass. It's almost like being barefoot. I'm not a fan.

I'm not a fan now. I'm an Adidas shell top kid. Well, look what I wear. I love my Adidas shell top. Now those you clean with a little bit of soft scrub and the toothbrush. My wife Puerto Ricans these up. Yeah.

Time to time. I got the walk around ones and the stage ones. Absolutely. Show shoes and the stage ones. So I take stage Adidas and then I have my regular Adidas. They stink like fucking. I know you always say that. How they stink.

Take dead dicks, all they do. Why don't they stink? I don't have them on now. I started off as a kid guy when I came from Cuba. Then I went up to P.F. Lies and then I was chuck tailors. I don't know what a P.F. Lies. P.F. Lies was 1970, 71, 72. P.F. Lies made you run higher and jump faster.

That's hilarious. That was their slogan. We had the pump for that. The pump came later. The pump came in like later on when you pumped them up and you thought you were bad. All the white kids are running and getting swatted down by the black kids.

It's amazing. That's why it's a true story that I say on stage. I mean, I turned it into a joke years later. Yeah. I was never a fast kid. I was quick. But in long distance, you would catch me. All right, so when the marketing tool behind P.F. Lies was

they make you jump higher and they'd show a kid like jumping a fence without touching it. And then they'd show like a Puerto Rican kid getting chased by cops. Finally, the Puerto Rican's had gone poof and giving up P.F. Lies. They make you jump higher and run faster. But the white guy got away.

So I went home and got the fucking P.F. Lies. I beg my mother to get me the P.F. Lies. But then I had to put them to the test. Okay. So how did you put them to the test? You torched a city Jew on the block. His name was Mr. Martini. He would chase you?

Chases for blocks. Chases for blocks. In all that clothing? In the black suit or whatever. The curls are flat. He's like pissed. He didn't have that. You only have like a little curl and he wore the thing.

He was the typical slum lord. Like what they call a slum lord today. He lived three houses. He owned three houses that were next to each other. But he lived in the basement of the middle one. So you weren't even allowed. There were metal bars with those spears sticking out. Like little chings like that.

And like, you weren't even allowed to talk in front of his house. Oh, I hate people like that. So he would come out of those. He would come out and go, hey, go down the fucking block if you guys want to talk. So the first time he did that to me, even at that age, I was like,

you don't know this far. Like I was Cuban. I was trying to be American. I thought I knew all the American rules. It's a free country. Yeah. I told the guy. You gotta use that every time.

I told the guy right off the bat. It's a free country, pal. He goes, it ain't fucking free. You spick mother fucker. Go down the fucking blocks. I'm like, spick mother fucker, really free. Okay. So I got me and my little dirty guys.

And we just started on the slow torture chamber. Eggs to his building. We egged everybody. Toilet paper. If we kill the rat, we fucking throw the rat in the fucking thing. And then he come up with the rat in his hand. And go, one of these days,

I'm going to catch one of you little motherfuckers. And I'm going to eat you just for lunch. And all this shit, he was fucking, he was tough. But Mr. Martin, it was a reputation that Mr. Martin, he caught you. He fuck you to death and they kill you. So all the kids, you were scared of Mr. Martin. Of course.

So we would set them up with traps. We would fuck with him with traps. Oh yeah. Like if he passed it past the corner, you throw a fucking stick at him. I mean, we had Mr. Martini tortured. That's great. And then other kids from the block would come on

and I would make him go in front of Mr. Martini's house. It was like a dare. Yeah. I would go, let's go play stoop ball in front of Mr. Martini's house. That's when you slammed the ball off the stairs. The stoop ball, step ball? Oh, we must save that.

No, stoop ball is when you hit the ball off the stairs. Yeah, step ball. That bounces out. And you have to catch it for a single or double. So we would play stoop ball and he would lose his fucking mind. He would come out and say, what did I just tell you little motherfuckers? So my mother had a leg walk and this other thing,

a leg walk is the thing that you put by the door and you're supposed to put candies in it and silver coins and pennies. For like luck or something? Yeah, for sluck. So I would take a hand full of change. And in those days, those little poor white kids, they'd kill a motherfucker for a quarter.

Cause it was a soda for a quarter. They'd kill a motherfucker. So I would tell them, come here guys, you guys want to make a court and they would go, yeah. And I would throw the corner into Mr. Martini's basement and they would know that you weren't allowed and they would jump the fence. Mr. Martini would come on in with a stick and shit.

With their P.F. Fangs on or whatever it was called. You don't know how many kids would come back to me beat up. I love that. And go, you motherfucker, you trapped me. Mr. Martini beat me up. I just got fucked by Mr. Martini. And I didn't get a corner and shit. I would just take new people and throw a quarter over there

and make them jump over. And then one day, like I told you, Mr. Martini for about two years, it was like a slow in the summers every day. And this is in Jersey or? This is in 205 West 88th street. Oh, okay. So if we were 205, he had to be like 198.

Okay. He was on the right hand side and we were on the left hand side going towards Central Park. And dog, we would just hang across his house and say shit. So we couldn't hang in front of your house. So now we cross the street and that territory in front of his house on the street,

we created that game that's like pool, but only you play it with like coins. You play and you have to go through circles. Number one, number two, number three, number four, number five, and what you did was you removed the circle thing from the chair, dead box, and he didn't like that either. And then there was once day in the summer

where the trees would get refilled with dirt balls. Shit balls? No, dirt balls. So it would be balls that would just made a dirt. Oh, okay. It was just dirt that was compressed and they would plant new trees and put those dirt balls around.

Listen, you could throw them at people and they'd just blow up. It would just be dirt when you got hit with it. That's amazing. On that day, it was Mr. Martini day. Like, you know how you have like National Donut Day, National Secretary's Day. Whenever those trees got filled up,

you knew to go outside that you were gonna bombard Mr. Martini at some point of the day. That's amazing. So we started bombarding him with the fucking dirt balls at first, little by little, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. And we'd run away and he chases. And then one winter,

I remember hitting him with like a fucking, like a Kennedy assassination of snowballs. Like Ford has got together and he got hit with snowballs from every fucking direction. But I had my PF lies on. I knew I could get away with him. Yeah, you're fast. And I ran this motherfucker

all the way to Spanish Harlem, 88th Street. Down to Broadway. And then after like maybe 90th Street, we just started walking and it was getting dark out. Like, this is how. So he's still falling. This is how long the joint was. We started torturing him when it was daylight.

Yeah. And we ran so far and so long that when we were coming back on Broadway, it was already starting to get dark. I'll never forget this. Yeah. And it was Christmas time. And these kids think playing Fortnite's fun.

I had to be like eight of us or seven of us that eluded Mr. Martini. And at that time, we weren't giving each other high fives. We were just walking back on. Fuck him. Fuck him. We got him and on the corner of 88th Street, there was a photography store and right there are some guys sold Christmas trees.

I will never forget this. And we're walking, walking, walking. And it's about, we're gonna make the left onto 88th Street to walk to our prospective buildings. Something made me look. I saw the tree jiggle a little bit. And I looked at the tree and I saw Mr. Martini's hand.

Look at this fucking guy. Mr. Martini's hand put his hand through the tree, opened it up. He's like, I got you. And then we all ran fucking home. That, somebody was asking me a couple of weeks ago, like when I look at Mercy now. A jewel coming out of a Christmas tree

has got to be frightened. It was fucking, he was dressed in a black and he chased us. And I still remember hitting my building and running up the stairs. I didn't even have time to take the elevator. You probably didn't even touch a stair. And I didn't stop at three because I knew that there was another staircase

on the other side of the, so every floor had a stair, two staircases. So I ran them up to like the sixth floor, then I hit the staircase and got up at three and went to my house unsafe and he never fucked with me again. But that day I knew Mr. Martini was gonna kill one of us. Like I knew it eventually he was gonna snap.

You kept poking this bear. What, like six or five? Six, seven. But that was what you did back in the day. You stayed out all day, fuck with people. We had something called shit balls. I think they're called ginko balls for real. But I used to mess with Bobby Lane.

This was part of the reason he got mad at me. But they fall out of the tree and they smell like shit. My mom was like, if you go over there, just burn your clothes, don't even come home. Like, cause it would stay on you. So one day I was out there and these agent ladies were picking it up. And I'm like, what are you doing with that?

And she goes, oh, we make a soup. I said, what the fuck? They're putting shit balls in their food. Like it freaked me out. So when I met Bobby Lee, I'm like, do you eat shit balls? And he got so mad at me. He talked to me for like a year. No, nobody knows what the fuck.

Is that why you don't eat Chinese food? Yeah, at all. Because of that? You don't eat Chinese food? At all, nope. Really? No way, never. Not what I saw, fuck that.

And then my old boyfriend in high school, his dad used to like run Chinatown. I'm not sure what he did, but they used to always take us in the back of the restaurant. Was he Chinese? No, no, I'm allowed to do that. I'm kidding.

I'm like that fought in Korea, it's disrespectful. So, no, I'm teasing, but we, he was an Italian guy. And his name was Mario, naturally. And we would go see his dad. I don't know what he did up there, but he had some kind of connection or in. I think it was a loan shark, I'm not sure. So we would go and we would go in the back.

And my Mario loved it. He'd be like, get this, get that. And I'd just be sitting there like, nosh. It's like, there's shit balls in there. Get me out of here. I hated it. If I never ate Chinese food, I don't eat seafood either. I'm like weird.

No seafood, no shrimp, no fish, nothing. Nope, nope. No, cause the fishing, my dad used to take my brother's fishing and then they would cut the fish open. Like they'd throw the eyes at me and shit, take the teeth out. Look at his teeth. Here's his dick.

I'm like, well, that fish have dicks. So you only eat chicken and meat? Pretty much. I didn't eat chicken for a long time. I think that's why I'm skinny, I guess. I eat nothing. I eat peanut butter and jelly. I don't, I love the concept of cooking.

I really love, appreciate the concept of cooking. You don't want to appreciate good cooking to eat shit cooking, you know? You see what goes into preparation. The cutting, the seasoning. My mom's a good cook, I got lucky. I'm a firm believer, like me and him go to a place that he gets the same fucking tacos every time.

They're the worst tacos I've ever had because they don't season the fucking beef. The carne asado there tastes like shit. That's gross. They don't season the beef. I season everything. It's just beef with lettuce, tomato on it. I could taste that.

I don't want to taste beef with lettuce and tomato on it. I want to taste the fucking meat. The carnitas are good. The carnitas are good. I'm not a chicken taco guy, you know? But my point is, if I had a cook, I wouldn't eat. I tell you this, guys, sincerely, chicken is the most disgusting fucking thing

I've ever looked at in my life. Please don't. I didn't eat it for 10 years. That's the only thing I eat now. I don't like chicken cutlets. I don't like dipping them. I don't like flour on my fingers, you know? So many things.

I agree with you. I'm just not a, when I cooked, if I think if I really serious want to lose weight, I have to cook because I won't. Because I don't like to see food in its natural, disgusting fucking state. You want to just eat the steak. You don't want to know how the cow's slaughter,

like the whole process. Would you be a vegetarian? I'm close, man. There's weeks and months where I go without it because I'll get nauseous from something. If you told me today, if you came to me today, like today I went to the art doctor. And they did an EKG and they found a limb normality.

I mean, the doctor will laugh and it's nothing serious. He just wants to get a test out. But if he came to me today and said, Joey, you can't eat meat no more. I wouldn't be upset. Like the last seven years, I've been training myself more and more to get off meat, you know, to get off meat.

Because it's just, for this age, I cannot go into Morton's anymore. Like 15 years ago when I met Rogan, I could go into a fucking whatever steak house with Joe and look at him and get the 16 ounce prime rib, kill the potatoes, kill the steak, dip the bread, take half of his appetizers, you know, and go up to stays and go to sleep.

I would feel something. You know, what you could eat at 20 is going to be completely different. What you could eat at 40 and what you could eat at 50. I know now, like I can't eat meat after eight o'clock at night. It's got to be like four ounces, something light. If I go to a steak house or somewhere with my wife

for a date and I decide to eat meat, I eat half the portion at night. I cut it right in half and I give it to her. There's nothing I like more than- What do you like, fatty meat? Like- No, I like steak. Like filet or you go with the other one.

What's the other one? Rib eye. Well, to get flavor you need more fat to get the flavor. I can only do the filet and I like it well done. Like I just want it with Ari to fucking the place in New York. Lugers? Yeah.

Oh, it's the best. Yeah. Was it in Brooklyn? Yeah, Williamsburg. When you taste the meat, I know they spend time on this meat. What the hell's the name of it? Lugers.

Peter Lugers. Peter Lugers, that's it. That's all you ever want from anything. Yeah. Is I want your distinct flavor. I haven't been there a long time. Yeah, I want your distinct flavor in this steak. Yeah, you can taste it.

You know, I want it. I could tell when I ate a piece of meat that you didn't put no effort on it. You know, I don't know, chicken, same thing, you know. Yeah. But there's extra things you could do to chicken. Yeah. To give it that oomph.

Yeah. Salmon, for example, is a hard thing to cook. I don't like that. Because it's salmon. I cooked it once. It tastes like dick. It's the sauce you make with the salmon to deviate that flavor.

You know what I'm saying? I like salmon. But I just can't eat a bagel-lock sandwich. I need the cream cheese. I need some to tame that fishiness. Yeah, I don't like fish. Swordfish, when you hit the dark spots. It's like eating the fish's lung.

Please, that's so gross. But. That's so gross hearing that. But you know, you have to, when you eat fish and meat, all that stuff, especially chicken, like I don't want to see it. And let me tell you something. I saw chicken go from the whole process.

I'm a santeria guy. Come on. So I see them come out. Yeah, they hold them. They take the fucking feathers off of them. You gotta pray over it first. Pray over it. Chop the head off, milk it.

Yeah. And then that night, that's when you're eating for dinner. And I would go, I'm not eating that. I don't give a fuck. I was telling my wife the other day about something. And I got, I pray for my daughter every day. And I pray for my mother's soul. Because I can't believe I put my mother

through what I put her through. We're having an issue at the house right now. With the food and the baby. We went to some other people's house on Saturday. And they told us when their daughter was three. It's normal. She was the queen of sushi. Okay.

And now she won't even eat sushi. When Mercy was two, she would eat the black part of the salmon, the bottom, and eat it like, and chew on it, black beans, white rice, pork. Now she's six. That's adult food where I come from. It's either chicken nuggets or spaghetti every night. She eats more spaghetti than a fucking guinea.

I'd never seen a kid eat more fuck. My daughter loves spaghetti every night. All kids. Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. I told you that I said, listen, man, you're growing. You're going to karate. You're swimming. You need protein.

So we got to start fucking amping it up. Yeah. So you better start fucking eating. You got to sneak it in. So Monday night, there was a big argument at the house. Monday, her and the mother went at it. Okay. She ended up going to bed at seven o'clock.

The last thing you want to do is fight with Terry. My wife came into that room and she goes, she's in bed at seven o'clock. Please. My wife was so pissed. She went for a ride. She goes, I got to leave. And I went in there like at seven,

three, I go, what's up? She, she wouldn't even look at me. She was just staring straight ahead. Cause my mother, uh, Terry pulled my mother. Yeah. You know what I mean? You don't get nothing. Go to bed.

No food, no dinner. And I'm throwing away the donut. Cause we stopped and got donuts after karate. So my wife fucking threw away the donut. There was an argument that was yelling. They were screaming. He got to stick to it, man. Otherwise.

And I told Terry what I used to do at that time. When I was six already, I had money in the back room. Yeah. So one day I was looking out a window and I saw this company called chicken delight. And one day me and my friends, there was a blimpy base. There was a pizza place and down the block

was this chicken place that I just came from Q. I'd never smelled anything like that. You could smell that chicken up the block. Thank you. You would think you smell more. And one day I went to that chicken place. I must have been about five. And I walked in and I got a three-piece chicken.

And it was delicious with the fucking french fries. Not the curly flies. Crinkle cut. Crinkle cut. Crinkle cut. And they give you a little package of jelly. And I used to dip the french fries in the grape jelly. Oh my God, my nephew does that.

I used to dip the french fries and then they give you a bun and I would eat the bun and I loved it. So when my mother would cook those fucking tremendous Cuban meals, I would look at my mother and go, I'm not eating and she would go, fine. Go in your room, you're punished. And she'd be out there getting ready,

go to her bar and shit. A couple of friends would be over. And next thing you know, you hear bing bong. And my mother and her friends would go, who's that at the door? And I'd go, it's for me. And I would walk right past my mom. Yes, I would.

And who is it? And I'd say, chicken delight, don't cook tonight. Cause I was just learning how to speak English. I thought that was cool. So I would look at my mom and go, don't cook tonight, go out chicken delight. And I would get the chicken delight and I would walk past her with a Tahitian treat.

They had, they delivered Tahitian treat, the soda. Oh, it was like a fruit punch and a can. Ooh. And I would walk past my mother and I could hear my mother's heart just going. Like I just cooked you a traditional Cuban dinner. I'll never forget the first time she came in this year, like tears in her eyes.

She's like, you miserable son of a bitch. Now I know, now I know. You're like that filthy. Now I know why your father died to get away from you. Because you eat that shit. Look at you, you're going to die. You get a medic gun. She went off on me the first time.

Slammed the door, spit on the floor. She did the whole thing. Spit on the floor, it's a problem. Bad day, her puta. How dare you eat that chicken when I cooked a beautiful meal for you. So she, I got to the point where- Who paid for it?

Me, cause I had to, I bucked. It was like four hours and a dollar tip. Oh yeah. I had that guy over the house four nights a week. My mother got pissed. Pissed. Then she just stopped. She goes, I'm not going to compete with this shit.

I am. How much chicken do you- How much do you crave Cuban food now? I would eat it every meal if I could. See? Well, we don't know. You don't know. You change your taste buds, change.

I have a nephew, he didn't eat anything. I'm telling you nothing. He's skin and bones this kid. He hated every single thing. He would go to the bathroom. It would come out white. He had nothing in him. It was the weirdest, we were like, you got to eat.

And finally, like he's obsessed with my other nephew, little Jimmy, who plays for the Minnesota Twins. Very exciting. But he's obsessed with him cause he's a baseball player and he's big and he's athletic, you know? So Jimmy was like, hey, well, if you're not going to eat, like he would have to mess with him. And the other, my other nephew Brandon too,

he wouldn't eat either. So Jimmy, they lied to him and tell him that chicken is pork cause he won't eat chicken cause he got sick on chicken nuggets. So they're like, no, it's pork. And he's like, all right. And he eats it. But you have to lie to these kids to get him to eat.

And we have to FaceTime with little Jimmy to get him to get Conrad to eat. Yeah, I was. Crazy shit. Now he's getting better. He's seven now. So it's a little bit better. And I was popping it cause I wanted to be,

the other side of the coin was I wanted to be American. Yeah. So I thought by the more American food I ate, I'd become American. Hot dogs on the corner, sad bread. Fuck. I wouldn't have 22 of those fucking things. Oh my God.

You know what I love when I was a kid? Not a shame to admit it. Swanson's TV dinners. Same. The Salisbury steak. My mom used to get so mad at me. With the apple cobbler in the middle. I could eat 20 of those things.

And then the superhero line came out with. She's so mad at me for that. Swanson still makes, right? Yeah, of course. The big man. Yeah. The chicken wasn't bad. It's so salty and you could feel your blood pressure.

Oh yeah, you'll die. You'll die. You'll die. Like your shoulders go up. You're like, oh, something's happening. Your heart starts caving in. No, no, that's okay. If you eat it now, fucking get it.

I haven't eaten that shit in 40 years. Every once in a while. Get like a gravy. Okay, where I do, hey, the chicken pot pie. The chicken pot pie. The nastiest motherfucking thing. That is gross. But the butcher in my mom's neighborhood,

they make them fresh and it's delicious. I would get them in prison. And I would eat just the chicken. Yeah, I can't eat the fake shit. I would eat the top off, the shell and the chicken. The carrots and the peas and that fucking oogat sauce. Fuck you. I'm not eating that shit.

And I don't know what the sauce was, but these guys, it's an Italian butcher and they make a beautiful. They make it great. It's phenomenal. I don't know what you mean. Tastes like chicken Alfredo almost in the pastry. I'll tell you what I always like.

With peas and carrots. I'll tell you what I always like since day one. That's why it shocks me about Chinese. Eshbeth. I can't live without Chinese food. That's amazing. I love it. And this shit out here is fucking god-awful.

God-awful. Andrew has a new one off to tell you about. Green apples. That's the one. I don't know where that is. It's got the garlic fried rice. That might be it. The heaven chicken and the Chinese filet mignon.

I don't know. Because he's a Chinese guy like you. The egg roll is not good. The dumplings are not bad. Yeah. The spare ribs are not good. I love that this is all about food. Yeah, no, no.

A couple of things a good day. You just gotta watch what you eat there. That's it. Listen, people don't eat pork out here. So spare ribs, brisket, all that shit don't hold out here. It doesn't think about Chinese food. My sister used to order it all the time. It drove me crazy.

It was, what's it called? Wantan? Wantan. So then you take it out. I go, what's in the middle? She's like, it's pork. But it was like a little brown and then for some reason red on the tip.

You don't want to know what's in there. What the fuck is that? I told Genius over here. He would go to Koreatown amongst fucking, everybody's looking for a cat. Everybody's got a poster with a missing cat. That's right. And he's like, the dumpling thing.

They're trying to kill us. Don't eat that shit. Don't eat the dumplings. Unless you know, even the place I eat dumpling, even the place I, what it is, is like hot dog. The meat inside the dumpling at a Chinese restaurant is hot dog. I don't eat hot dogs either.

It's whatever they don't use. Oh, we got an eyeball. We got a chicken foot. Come on, man. We got a lizard spine. We throw it in there. We mix it up with some fucking chicken. And they tell you whatever the fuck they want.

They tell you what I believe in. I can't believe that. I can't believe that. You never heard about that. Listen, I can because when we would be in the back of that restaurant with my ex's father, I'd be like, holy shit. I don't think there was a sink to wash your hands.

I don't, there was chickens running around. I got arrested. Cats running around. I got arrested one time. One time. And I was getting transferred from Hackensack to where I got a Bergen County jail to go get a rain to add some other jail.

And I had neat. Okay. And I was a gentleman when I got arrested. I didn't know no big deal. Gave my name. We talked. And the cop that was transferring me, I'm in the back of the car and I'm like, listen, man.

You're going to take me to this jail and they're going to put me in a cell. It's not going to be any food. And I got to be honest with you. I haven't eaten since like fucking five o'clock. It's like nine o'clock or one o'clock. I had to eat. I was late.

I was like trying to, I was starting to lose a little bit. I got to do me a favor. We're going to drive past Chance Dragon. And then do you mind if I stop in there? My, there weren't felonies. They were misdemeanors. Yeah.

It was possession of a stolen prop weapons to breaking. You know, that's it. Yeah. And the guy's like, you eat a chance. And I got to the best Chinese restaurant around here. Let me tell you a little story. It was a couple of years ago, the detective's bureau. There was a safe cracker and he was cracking safes.

And he was going all around the area and that we had good information that he did rescue. That's what he was doing. He was doing restaurants. So he goes under our estimations, we figured Chance was going to be next. So we sat in the restaurant one night and we waited until they closed.

And when they turned off the lights, we had to turn the lights on after 15 minutes because the rats were so big in there. I can't. And you know what? I don't know until this day. And you still eat this. I still eat that.

I should be. I make believe I don't know what I'm fucking eating because it's so good. If it's somebody's cat, I can taste the tea and the salt and you can taste the tissue paper. You're like this cat was loved. Yeah. You get warm.

They didn't like this cat. You can tell the difference. It's like snort and coke. You get euphoric and shit. But no, no, no. Oh, it's so good. You know, you pray for the best at these places. And you try to listen,

I would never eat pulled pork from somewhere. That's just different. That's not my thing. There's foods that if you eat out, you're fucking idiot. I like pork sandwiches. You deserve to get food poisoning. You deserve to what's coming with you.

There's stuff I won't eat. I look at the people. I refuse to eat it. Like I just refuse. I'm as picky as you are. Seafood, you got to be careful with it. So you're going to eat seafood at a fast fucking place joint.

You're going to get fucking sick of you. I love when people order it at a diner. You go to Jack in the Box or diner and eat a piece of salmon. You're going to get fucking sick. You're going to get fucking sick. You know, you got to eat. What's the one?

What's the one my mom likes? Addict. Almondine. No, it's some kind of, it's the bottom of the, it's the worst kind to eat. Cod? Mmm, that's not the word.

I forget. Some fish, you always order that everywhere we go. I'm like, that's the worst. It's like a vacuum cleaner fish. Yeah, it's the bottom feeders. They call it. Listen, not trout. That's what fish is.

Think of what fish really is. I can't. No. If we really as human. Never thinking about it. If you're a human and you really sit there and say to yourself, what am I really eating? A grouper.

At all levels. At all levels. Whether it's beef. How it was kept, you know, when they did that movie about the McDonald's chain. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They tested it. I remember reading about it years later

that when they test a hamburger patty and one of those fat foods joints, there's a percentional fecal matter in there. Please. That's well known. You don't know that going in. You're a fucking idiot. Yeah, you know that.

You know what's going in, you know? When I read that whole thing about. If I go there, I'm going there to hurt myself. When I heard about the whole thing about Vegas, I read about this 30 years ago. Paul Castellano's father was a butcher. Okay. Paul Castellano's father was a butcher.

Paul Castellano was cousins with Carlo Gambino. And his son, Paul, turned out to be the boss of the Gambino. It was like John Gotti shot. It was common knowledge. In one of the books, they wrote the whole scam of how in the 50s they got. After Bugsy opened it up, they cut a deal with the National Butchers Association

or whatever in New York. Whenever your meat is on a shelf for more than five days, you don't lose. We'll pick it up when we deliver the meat and we'll give you 50% of the dollar on it. So if a store bought that meat, what they did immediately with that meat was taken back to a warehouse,

packed it on ice and shipped it to Las Vegas. Once it got to Las Vegas, they cut it out and they dipped it in a chemical. I read this, whether it's right or wrong, it makes sense. It does. The chemicals keep it alive long, if you will. It keeps it pink for three more fucking days. And then that's the steak and egg you eat for $1.99.

When you go to Vegas and you're like, he's a steak for $1.99, I got over, look at me. Fucking idiots. When you go to your room and you get up in the middle of the night, that four and you go to pee, you get that little runs and then a piece of shit comes out. The runs isn't sufficient to make you think.

You follow me, so that's what the chemical does to you. But we put so much in so many foods. So when I read that at an early age, I knew. When you see those guys in New York City and you're swallowing down those hot dogs on the corner, and you're swallowing down those hot dogs on the corner, look at that water. Yeah.

Do you know every time they get their hands birdie? Every time they get their hands dirty, they take a nice cube and they throw it in the water, they take some of that hot water and rub it in their hands. You know, you have to assume. They all have pink eye. I don't know why you would go there. You have to assume these things.

Yeah, I agree. So when you go to a restaurant, you're judging it by that. Don't get me wrong. You go to Peter Logan and get a bad clamp. You go to legal seafood and eat a bad oyster or a bad clamp. It happens. But the higher percentages that they're not gonna,

they inspect their shit daily. They pay a guy 10 an hour to open up each chuck. Check it out. Smell them and check them out. Look at the lobsters. Make sure the lobsters don't have algae on the shelf. Did you ever eat like the hot nuts in New York? I haven't been in New York in a while.

I don't know if they have it. I love the smell of it, but I've never eaten them. They still have them. I was just there three weeks ago. They still have them. That's yourself a question. It's a great smell. It's hot nuts.

I don't know. I love hot nuts, normally. No, I'm just kidding. I don't get the hot nut thing. You have to look at the animal you're dealing with. Exactly. And you have to decide. Lucky for me, I got food poisoning a couple of years ago,

and I can't even blame it on them. But it seemed like a 24-hour food virus thing. Well, who do you blame then? What do you mean? If you got sick from a restaurant. I ate there 20 times, and I never got sick before. I had one time I went to the taco stand by the ha-ha across the street

in the ha-ha next to the sushi place. That place. And then sushi, for example. When I first got here, the biggest place was the mall where Weight Watchers is on Mentura across from the burger place. What's the name of the burger place? Stout.

Stout, across from Stout on the second floor was all you could eat sushi in wheels, and all those fucking guys would come up there and go, oh, it's great. And I'll never forget going up there the first time and going, I'm not eating this shit. Yeah, that's not great. I was a poor fucking comic,

and I was like, I'm not eating this shit. I was that smart. I got back in the car and went right back to Wendy's and got my $0.99 junior burger. Square hamburger. My bowl of chili for the five hours it was working. That fucking sushi place, they had sushi waiting out there for five minutes a second.

That's where it ends with me. When I go to a restaurant, I just went somewhere. I'm not gonna mention the name about two weeks ago when I sent the order back, you know why? Because it's flu season. You got my dish in your fucking hand, and you stop and start talking to stuff from another waiter and having a conversation.

And here's my food, and here's your fucking bread. I fucking hate that. I made the guy send it back. I go, dog, you were talking on my food for 10 minutes. He just froze. The next time you have some of these food in your hand. Never. Bring it to the table and then have the conversation later.

They had a two minute conversation with my food. Like if you're saying, go get a table, whatever, and you turn your head, that's fine. But if you fucking- There was a chick and a white dude trying to be kid. Oh, fuck that. I'm a food server a long time. And then she stopped and kept talking to the guy

with my fucking food. I would have fired both of them. And I was, and I told her, come here. You talked over my fucking clamps for the fucking 10 minutes. Go bring me some new ones, bro. She just looked at me, and she knew not to say a word because I would have won with the fucking manager. Oh yeah.

Bring my food to the table. You don't have to talk to nobody. Yeah. Just bring my food to the table. Just bring my food to the table. I agree a thousand- Do not stop. Especially if you're paying top dollar-

There's a thousand things I look at. I used to go to a restaurant, Cuban place. I love Cuban food. You know why I stopped going there? Why? Because the windows were dirty. I know exactly what you're talking about. If you can't wipe the windows where the door is,

I can't eat at your place. Yeah, it's that simple. I can't eat at your place. It shouldn't look like a shack. That's a detail that cannot be missed by a busboy, an employee, a bartender, a waiter. There's certain things that cannot be missed that I will fire you on because that's detail.

That's part of the detail. I cannot, so not one person that you have working in this establishment noticed that these windows were dirty. I can't do business with you. I love that. And that's it. You have nine losers working for you

because not one person took a look and took initiative to get a newspaper and a piece of Windex and just go like this and wipe the fucking thing down. It's seconds. It takes seconds to keep a customer. And I'm gonna tell you something. Nine out of 10 kitchens you go in

are not gonna be eight ratings. No. Especially while you're moving and shoving. A kitchen's nasty. But let's be honest. You know how many times I've dropped a piece of fucking steak on the floor and I got 10 cats and I'll pick that motherfucker up and eat it.

Never come into your house to eat. No, sometimes you fell on the floor for a second. I know. My sister-in-law. But meanwhile you blew some guy in Minneapolis that you didn't know. That's true. Not you.

I'm just saying. I thought you saw me. I was like what? We have to all be in perspective here of what's really going on. No, I agree. Yeah. But when you go to most restaurants during the action,

shit's gonna happen. Shit's gonna happen. You know, a piece of hair is gonna fall out of somebody's hair. I understand all that shit. There's certain things that I don't understand happen. Yeah. That's why when I sit at a table and I can feel shit on the table, we gotta go.

Yeah. We gotta go. We gotta go. We gotta feel dirt on the table. Not one of yours. Yeah. And then I look at the towel they use. Yeah.

If it's just a towel from the counter that they've been using all day, get up. Oh, yeah. It's those little signs. So I understand, like when you eat anything, you know, what if when I'm picking the lettuce, I'm picking my nose. I'm picking the fucking lettuce.

Joe, throw up. It's all the same. I literally would throw up. So this is why you have to think to yourself that at every level, you're eating something that's fucked up. If you really sit down and think about it, you won't eat at all.

You'll become one of those Africans with flies all over you. I'm telling you, I'm so close to that. I skieve a lot of shit. That's what we call it from these guys. Same, yeah. Ski. Ski vats. I skieve fucking food.

I skieve people more. I told Lee, when I first moved here and you're a broke comic, there wasn't a week that I didn't go to, what's the Arab place on Goward, on Hollywood Boulevard. I'll be, I'll be here. I'll be gone. I'll be not going there.

I'll be for sure, whatever. I don't know how many times I've been here. I'll be sure. Yeah, that was the name. Ali was here. Ali was here. Then you call the place and he goes, I'll leave there.

And he goes, no, no, I'll leave. Ali was here. Ali was here. What kind of food is it? Middle Eastern. Mediterranean. But the chicken is to die for. Like I used to go there three times a week,

Josh Wolfe, fucking Mitch, Hedbergs, all of us. Was it cheap? Yeah, I'm Gower. I'm Gower in Hollywood Boulevard. If you make a left on Hollywood and Gower, it's in that disgusting strip. Yeah, I would never go in there.

I would never let them give me the hummus. The hummus was like beige. I don't need hummus. Hummus is beige. It's fucking disgusting. All that shit, like that stuff there, you'll die even harder. Like if you get that shit, that's bad.

David Tell calls it ISIS peanut butter. Yeah, that's what it is. It's disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. To even think of that, like my neighborhood, you get a smack in the hand if you even brought that to a party. Yeah.

But if you showed up with hummus, no, God, no. I didn't see guacamole until I moved to California. We never had that. I love avocado. Never in my life have I seen an avocado in Philadelphia. See, Cubans are grown with real avocados. See, you guys out here in Miami, in Florida, you get those midget Mexican avocados.

Go to Miami. I don't eat them. You don't eat avocado at all? No. Oh my God. A little sliced avocado, the turkey and Swiss sandwich with some mayo and some tomato. Good googly moogly.

No, really? I've never seen it. I drove past that place today. I was coming back from the heart, doctor. The place that makes that sandwich. I'm fucking holla boulevard. That you love? Oh, okay.

A little avocado, a little turkey and Swiss. Nice, tomatoes, a little shredded lettuce. I don't eat turkey. You don't eat turkey either? Or Swiss. Really? I know, I'm telling you, I'm the worst eater. I'm the cheapest date ever in fruit.

Sometimes I'll have an egg. I got back into eggs. I was out of that for 10 years. I'll just like scramble an egg, you know? No toast? No. If I'm at my mom's, she'll usually throw in toast. Bacon.

Bagels. Bacon, no, unless my mom makes it. Cause if you go to a restaurant and you order bacon, they usually microwave it. It's fucking disgusting. Microwave, it becomes rubbery. So I got turned off about 10 years ago for bacon. What are you for lunch?

Usually a power bar. I'm just kidding. And what's for dinner? I love pasta. I eat a lot of pasta. And I'll usually put, like, now I'm trying to put vegetables more the past year. Cause I realized there was an entire year

when I didn't eat anything green. Cause I'm terrible. I'm terrible at that. Like I'll eat peanut butter and jelly. I'll eat peanut butter and jelly on crackers. I'll eat like chicken. I'll bake chicken and cut it up. And then now I'll throw vegetables on it.

But before I would just used to eat that with pasta. By it's like no green at all. How about spaghetti sauce? I like sometimes marinara, certain ones. I don't make it at all. How about lasagna? If I make it, if my mom makes it, I eat it. I've got forbid I learn how to make it like she does

and make it for myself out here. If a guy takes you on a date to an Italian restaurant. I get chicken parm. I'll get a pasta marinara with chicken or a chicken Alfredo. I like that one sometimes. It's gotta be done right though. Hamburgers?

I like hamburgers. Cheeseburgers. Steaks? Steak and potato. Yeah, it's simple. Yeah, steak and potato. I'm a really, really cheap date. Just in case anybody's looking.

But no seafood at all. No seafood. Since a young age. No, my dad would bring the fish home and put it in the drain bowl. Like it was just gross. It always made me sick. I feel like I put fish and bees together

because I was always getting stung by a bee while they were fishing because I was grossed out. So I would like wander off and then I get surrounded by bees. You really have a think. I am a little slow. I'm a little messed up. Now let's get away from the beef and chicken.

There's nothing else for me. Think about what's really, really in the ocean. Grilled cheese, I like grilled cheese. Think about what's really, really, really in the ocean. Didn't they do a test on the beach in Santa Monica and there was like fucking drugs in there? Oh yeah, there's needles coming off, all kinds of shit. So you have this wildlife.

I mean, I know what covered was 60% water or whatever. I've never been in the water out here, have you? In the beach? Yeah, yeah. I don't do it. Jersey, I'll do it all day, wildwood, but. Yeah, that's why you glow in the dark. Because you slammed down the Jersey show

with the radioactive shit. You come out with a mess. Let me ask you something. How long did you work at the store before you decided to come up on stage? 12 years. And throughout that time, it wasn't that you wanted to stand up or nothing.

Never. That's why Mitzi and I got along so well, because I don't want stage time. I wasn't, I didn't go help her for something in return. You remember when all the mooks used to show up at her house, Mitzi, let me help you with this today. All they wanted was stage time. Some of them were robbing her.

I'm not gonna mention any names, but they were there all the time using her phone, calling New York, you know, or just taking her food, looking for jewelry. I'm like, this woman's like sick. But so she trusted me because I didn't want anything from her, like stage time. So after Freddie died,

is when everything kind of went haywire in my head. And I was like, what are you doing? So it was kind of like a, this is your life moment. And Freddie always was like, you should be doing stand-up. We could go on the road together. And I'm like, you just misery loves company. You know, I'd always throw it back in his face. And then after he passed, I told Mitzi,

I said, I'm gonna do this one woman show. She's like, oh honey, that's great. Do it in the belly room, you know? So I did and Andrew came to see it. And he was like, you're doing stand-up stupid. And I'm like, no, no, no, this is a one woman show. I'm gonna talk about my family. I'm gonna tell all these crazy stories about South Philly.

Like I always joke about South Philly is like, Flint, Michigan, but we didn't complain about the water. We just kept drinking it. So that's why we're a little off, you know what I mean? Like, I would tell all these crazy stories about my friends and stuff. And he was like, no, it's stand-up. And then he took me on the road with him.

And then I got boot off the stage. That was pretty bad in New York. And Andrew fired me for like a year. Cause he was like, you gotta see if you're really serious about this. Like a lot of people get into it and they think, oh, it's easy. Everybody does stand-up.

All you gotta do is get a podcast and you know, then they'll give you stage time. That's not how it works. You really gotta be dedicated to it. And Andrew wanted to see if I was like, just fucking around or really into this. And then I would go on stage every night anywhere I could for a little over a year.

And then he had me re-showcase, if you will, in Vegas. When Andrew told you couldn't go on the road no more, were you angry with him? No. Did you see where he was coming from? I did. Because in New York, it was so bad

when they booed me off the stage. So bad. I'm telling you that we were at the Westbury Music Theater. So it's in the round. So people are hating you from the back, the front, the sides. I'm sweating so bad. Like my hair frost slid down.

Looked like I had tumors on my stomach. Like it was brutal. And I'm trying to get lines out. Nothing's happening. They're boo, fuck you, Philly, stink, Philly, blah, blah, blah. Just because I said I'm from Philly, you know what I mean? And I remember catching eyes with my sister, Karen, who drove two and a half hours to come see me do stand-up,

you know, three months into stand-up pretty much. I'm in front of all these people and she was all excited. And I remember locking eyes with her and she looked at me like, what do you wanna do? Wanna fight this whole fucking room? I'll fight everybody in here. And we look exactly like we're 10 years apart. So I remember being like, all right, my sister's here,

calm down, just figure this out, wrap it up. I think I did five or six minutes, even though they were booing the whole fucking time. I got off and Andrew was like, fuck them, I'm not going on. I saw how hurt he got. Like he's like, that's my family. You just hurt my family. You don't know who she is to me.

So he wasn't gonna go on. And then he went on and beat the shit out of that crowd. He had the best that I've ever seen him have. And I went upstairs and cried for a little bit and then came down and watched him. And people in the audience were like, oh, we just wanted to, you know, see Andrew, we weren't, we didn't really care about you.

Sorry about the booing. And I'm like, sorry, I'll fucking kill you. Like, you have no idea what that did to me. But all that did was propel me. Cause now it pissed me off. You're saying I'm not good enough or whatever, you know, and I couldn't handle it. Andrew's a purist when it comes to comedy.

Oh, absolutely. Joe Rogan's a purist when it comes to comedy. And I gotta tell you something, as much as a piece of shit I am, I'm a purist when it comes to comedy. Absolutely. Fucking Lutely. If I had to speak my mind about what I really think

of comedy, a lot of people would not be happy with me. Okay. It's true. Because I don't like a lot of nonsense that goes on. And there's too much of it. More power to them. I was always trying to strive to be a fucking comedian. So I know when somebody's faking the fuck.

Absolutely. I don't even have to watch this set. When somebody comes to me and says, I've been doing stand up for four years and I'm like, listen, I've heard this story a thousand times. I was that story. So don't come on to me. You're bullshit.

Yeah. I'll hear about you. If you're real. We'll hear. We'll hear. That's right. We'll hear about it. Because all the years at the comedy store,

my love and appreciation grew a thousand times bigger than ever. Like that's why I would say, I can't be a comic. I'm a fucking waitress. I'm not one of you people. Like I thought you had to have this as a kid. I want to be a stand up. You know what I mean?

Like every comic I talked to that I loved, every comic that was genuine and stood out, you know, the Judy Golds, the Dom Ireres, the Joe Diaz, the Joe Rogans, you know, all these guys that came through that Brian Holtzman that really got Doug Stanhope. Like you watch him, you're like mesmerized. And there was thousands of comics in between them,

but they didn't stand out. They were just people I know from the comedy store, you know, they were trying to milk it, if you will. So the ins and outs of comedy I knew. You knew. You knew the direction of both. I just didn't think I wanted it. Now I don't know what I do without it,

which is, it's 12 years now. I'm 12 and 12. Isn't that crazy? 24 and you watched it, watch people grow. Watch people write jokes from day one. Bomb, I watched Freddie Bomb. I watched so many people. People come in with heat.

Yeah. Disappeared, like people just, this a fucking piece. Like they didn't even exist. And there's so many of them. We watched, my first ex fiance was a booking agent. Right, that's right. I went on the road with Chris Rock, watched him at the store when he was doing Bring the Pain.

We watched him at the store, do it. Then we went to Revere, Sharipa's room, and he was building it there. So I hung out with Billy for the weekend, you know, and watched Chris and then in Jersey at Rascals. I watched him build that amazing, one of my favorite specials. It's definitely in the top five.

Bring the pain, Chris Rock. It's tremendous. What I'm telling you, I watched him bomb and not bomb and take a joke, build a joke, fix a joke, repair a joke, whatever words you want to use, like it was phenomenal. Like that, like Mitzi always says, comedy stirs a college. And she would say, well, I went to the best college, honey.

Cause I, 12 years, I got to study that. I mean, I should be a brain surgeon at 12 years, but. I was, I had to go and, you know, I got to double check everything. So I check all my prices online. I'm not sure the club is in the fuck with me. And I went on the improv website and I went to click on about two months ago

and I was high and I just, I was at night and I was killing time, you know, I was going through the comics that were going there and I found out I see all these Instagram. Oh, that's a fact. And all these YouTube people. And it's like, I get it. To check.

To them it's a check, but where I'm coming from. It hurts. It doesn't hurt me. Doesn't hurt me at all. It doesn't hurt my business. Doesn't interfere with me. I feel for them because I know what they're about to go through.

You know, all this shit is great until something like that bad happens. And then you think about all the shit you could have done. Like when you saw McGregor holding onto his hand at the cowbeam, he wasn't thinking about the check. He was thinking about all the time he wasted. I'm not working what he should have been working on. That's right.

When I shot my Netflix special on the ride home, I knew what the recipe was that I wasn't doing. And now I'm sticking to it. And that's why I am doing what I'm doing today. But I saw something years ago. I saw a comic that was young, handsome, had all the tools to be a comic. And he was a great writer.

And he got good at a certain club. Never forget this. He got very good at a certain club. And that was a hot club at the time. So since the guy spent a lot of money with Gersh, you know, it's like if I give you, if I hire all of your fucking 10 comics, at that time Gersh had Rogan and Wendy Liebman and Slate.

That was the hot boutique agency back then. That was the hot boutique agency back then. And he gave them a lot of business. So one day he raised his hand and this kid had been doing comic two years, two and a half years. I'll never forget still going to the club and the guy looking at me and like sizing me up.

And I look at those guys and I go, you know, you might have fucking had a good set last night. But I'm at the store every night. I will eat you up alive. I know shit you've never even thought of, you dumb motherfucker. And I remember us doing a one night together, like me being in the car when I'm in listening

to these people talking and just think, I've just been doing this for two years and look what the things I'm doing already. And I'm sitting in the car. It's almost like he's telling himself. Yeah, I'm just sitting there because I've been to, stop, I've been through this, I know. You killed the other night

and David Tell told you and this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They patted you on the back because they're nice people. But you also fucking bought drinks and brought the coke. So we drove to the gig and he's talking in the gig and the whole thing, you know, I go up there and then about three months later, I hear that this manager has set up showcases

for this fucking stiff in that light. And in the back of my mind, I wasn't wishing this kidney bad or anything bad. I just know the deal. I've been here through long. I've been doing it for too long and I knew the deal. At that time I had been doing comedy. If it's 27 years, this had to happen at the store.

I was still doing blow. So it had to be about 2005. And I'll never ever forget this. That's the year I quit. I will never ever forget this. I remember it was a Sunday night. I was hosting and my top agent at CAA today was an assistant at Gersh.

Oh yes. Blake, what's his name? Matt Blake. Matt Blake. That's it. The chick's assistant. There was two big guys at Gersh. Is that William Morris?

Yeah. The wig and the blonde one that was sucking the black dick. The chick that was fucking all the black comics. We're not gonna mention no names. Wait a minute. There's two of those. They go on the road, take black guys up and then bring them back,

put them on freaky Monday with one condition that they would sleep at a house. Sure, you can sleep at my couch. In the middle of the night, every black guy knows that they got up and she was harping his dick, polishing that motherfucker. And the thing about this chick, nobody pressed charges. But one black dude fell in love with him.

It was out there bringing roses. And they put a restraining order on him. Then they made her a lit agent somewhere. She sucked so much cock. They got rid of her in the comedy division. But Matt Blake was the assistant then, who was my top agent today. So it's just to let you people know

what happens in 20 years. That assistant you talked to when you first moved to LA, 20 years from now, he's gonna run a comedy division. So he runs the comedy division at my agency. He's the top guy. Yeah. Wait, he's at William Morris, right? No, he's at CAA, Matt Blake.

Oh, shoot, I know what I'm doing. I know what I messed up. The wig is at Gersh still because he's got Chappelle. That's the one that keeps him at it. Yes, yes, yes. He had Carlos. Okay, I, yeah.

And then he fought when the wig had Carlos and Rogan. The wig and my ex used to really fight. Really be tight. No, no, no, no. You're talking about the wig from ICM. No. That's a different wig. Gersh.

That's the guy with, then there's a guy that. ICM is another ass. The guy at Gersh doesn't wear a wig. I just say he has a wig. It looks it. And I call him to his face. He made sure. I see him everywhere.

But he called Rogan up and told Rogan to apologize to Carlos. Yeah, I remember that. Rogan told him to go fuck himself. Fire them. Yes. And David tell fire them and everybody else fire them because of the Rogan comment.

And David tell stuck with him. So. Dave Chappelle. Dave Chappelle. So that's the only reason why he, but there's two wigs is that wig and the other way. So what are we talking about? So I'm at the comedy store.

I'm hosting on a Sunday night. I'm in my own business. I'm not bothering nobody and Mitchy's there. Okay. Instead of about ninth or eight, 30, she walks into a chair and I go over what's up. And it's, you know, fat baby. And she stabs me in the stomach

and makes the air come out and I go to, you know, Mitch, I'm hosting the second half. And she goes, absolutely. And all of a sudden Blake, the club owner, he was the pseudo club owner. Right. In his club. He told everybody he was the owner.

He was really a general manager. Yeah. And the comic that he thought, you know, was God on ice that I looked through and I was like, this guy's got the balls of a fucking girl. He said, okay. Like I didn't wish him any, I didn't wish him no bad feelings, people.

What I did feel was bad thing because he was going into arena. He was not prepared for. That's right. He was not prepared. He's a different animal. At the two and a half year mark, I don't care what smoke they're blowing up,

you're asking your neighborhood, you were not ready for a Sunday night at the store in front of Mitch. That's never happened. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now. So they come up to me and they go, hey, we spoke to this talent coordinator

and he said it's okay if this kid goes up. I recognize everybody, I hug everybody. You know what I mean? What's going on? I go, I'll bring you up. I go up to Mitchy, me being me and I go, Mitch, I gotta put this kid on. I guess he caught a deal with Scott Day

or whoever was the talent coordinator at the time. It wasn't Corey yet. It's probably Tommy if it was 2005. No, no, no, no. Tommy wasn't here. Oh, this was way before. Okay. Then it had to be Scott Day, yeah.

So I go, I'm going to put him up. I go, they say he's the Bill Hicks of the future. And I say that as a joke to her, but with a serious face. Like I go. That's amazing. They're calling him the Bill Hicks of the future. Oh, really?

I say, okay, go put him on next. This kid went up there, dog. Threw out his fucking joke of the year. And it's the original rumor. His slammer, his slammin' thing. Dog, he threw out his A material and it was like giving him a shovel. It's like they just tapped him on the shoulder

when he on stage, the spirit of Richard Pryde tapped him on the shoulder. Hey, buddy. And they say, hey, buddy, take this shovel. Look what you're about to cause. And at the one minute mark, she's in the back on. Yeah, well, no. Bill Hicks, my ass, right?

Bill Hicks is turning and his grave got down. This kid's turning. You could, you could see. You could see like. Oh, she was brutal too. You could hear her. The movement of his hands went away. You could see the purple going up his body.

You could see the purple. And then you could see the purple hit his face and he just put the fucking microphone back. And he walked off the stage. Bro, when he went outside and I'll never forget his manager, his so-called manager and the guy from Gersh just turned their back and he stood there looking around and nobody would look at him.

And then they're like, okay, are we done yet? Let's go to the improv. And this kid, you could see that he had gotten points in the stomach, hard. His manager and the guy from Gersh walked 10 feet ahead from the way out and I'll never forget this lesson. And here's how this lesson ends. I went to that town a few weeks ago

and I asked about that kid. Okay. He's a bartender. He got out of the business. You have to. It was too much. It was that night devastated him. He went on to do the improv for some shmucks

and he went on to do the lab factory. He cooked up with a girl. He did comedy like maybe 10 more times. That's it. And that was the end today. If a comedy store will do that to you because it is a purist club. It's not that comedy store will do it to you.

Is that if you play that game eventually that's gonna happen to you. Exactly. Because you do not belong there. Guys like I, guys like Andrew, Joe Rogan. There's a lot of guys, Bill Burr. There's a lot of guys that know because not because we're trying to be critical of you.

I've heard Bill Burr talking about it on his Monday morning. It's not that we're trying to be critical for me. Is that we've been there. Yeah. And we've lied to ourselves. When I was at the four year, when I was doing comedy a year, I was telling people I was a comic.

Yeah. I'm bombing. I still remember bombing of the private. I got a private. And my two and a half year mark. I got a private that they didn't want to pay me. I couldn't even go collect the money from them. We couldn't even make eye contact.

Perpetrate a fraud. Yeah. It was a fraud. Fake until you make it kind of a thing is what, and I get everybody does it like dice. We joke about him and Tony Hinchcliff does it a little bit too. Like I always tell Tony that Andrew always says

he's very similar to him because he was, Tony's always pushing himself all the way. I'm the uprising comic, whatever. I'm the greatest up and coming comic. But it's, he has what to back it up. But he also is just like putting it out there kind of a thing. And part of it is kind of fucking with people.

But dice, he wouldn't do a movie unless he could be dice. Like he would wear his own shirt that said dice. Like he put it in your face. He's like the original like brander, if you will. He did two movies where he played the dice character that he was trying to sell to people. Pretty in pink and making the grade. No, no, his name was dice.

Ford Farrellane, he was Ford Farrellane. That was his. That's right. So dice was, but he was called the dice man in making the grade and in pretty in pink. That's a huge movie. John Hughes, it's pretty in pink. Pretty in pink.

That they're going the dice man as he walks up. I don't know if I forget the name. But John Crier says that everybody says the dice man and he has a shirt that says dice. So they're like, who's this dice man? You know what I mean? Like that's the ultimate brandy, but that's what he did. And then he would go around and tell people,

I'm going to be the biggest comic in the world. And they'd be like the fuck out of my face. This 20-something-year-old kid from Brooklyn, I'll smack the shit out of you. And he's like, no, no, I'm going to be the biggest thing in the world. But he did it. So it's like.

Let's not remember the respect. But you have to have what to back it up. Remember he started as a fucking Tony John Travolta. Oh yeah. His father would have to drive him to the fucking mafia gigs. And he would get up there with a white shirt and dance. First he'd do Jerry Lewis.

He did Jerry Lewis. Notting professor. And then he'd do fucking. He'd do the thing and come back as a Travolta. A Travolta. I mean, who the fuck invented that? And he's so Tony young. So his parents had to drive him.

His father, he told me the story. Freddie is the best. His father had to fucking drive him to, what was the club with Travolta film that movie? He said he did that. Oh yeah, he got a cease and desist because of that. Because of that shit. It's crazy.

To stop doing Travolta. So he always had chops. Andrew always had chops because he started as, I always lie to people. I tell people, oh, I started a fucking prison the first time I thought I was doing comedy. I started playing the congas in my mother's bar. When I was a kid, I'd get a conga, put a hat out.

And I just put the jukebox on. I would play the congas and people would pay me to stop. Derrick, oh yeah, basically. And I would get like 10 bucks, I'd stop. I'd put it away and go buy something. I would play the congas, but they would say, enough, enough. We can't fucking think.

And my mom would go, it's genius. At least you're making 10 bucks for yourself. You know what I'm saying? He's gonna order more of that Metagon food. At least I'm taking the lead. At least I don't have to give you fucking money. That's where it started. That mind, that, you know, then the number one bus.

And then I never knew I wanted to get into comedy. You know, the other night I was watching. See, that's amazing. But when you were in prison, you said you would watch. I always watch stand up. I watch, let's get something straight. I heard the niggas crazy and I lost my mind. Then I bought Bicentennial Niggas was something I said.

I got into it. I was into it. I brought it. My brothers played it. When I was a kid and people put music on to John and Oat, she's a rich girl, and she'd go in too far. Take that off. Take that off.

I'm putting fucking, I'm putting fucking Richard Pryor. No, I get it. But I had no idea. I was a criminal. I had no idea, no idea, no idea, no idea. Then when I was 27, I started running out of options of things I really wanted to do. And I said, well, I tried electricity.

I tried this. I tried that. I tried this. I was a bartender. I might as well try stand up. I don't see why. I mean, that's amazing. That's, Al Madrigal has a joke, not a joke,

but like we always talk about when everything else fails, try stand up. Like I came out here to be an actress. I wanted to be an actress. I kept getting engaged to idiots, you know, and falling back and getting in a play. Nobody comes to plays out here. Then I became a wrestler, right?

Some issues there. But you know, like I was doing these kid shows and stuff on Nickelodeon. Like I was doing stuff, but not enough. You know what I mean? Like it just wasn't clicking. I guess, and I would go to class all the time. I'll do-

No, I know you were in the intensive- And always. I remember you and Freddie got into intensive acting class. And it was Scientology. It was light Scientology. And they couldn't go on auditions. D.W. Brown. And I went with Freddie trying to justify it to me.

And I'm like, Freddie, you and me are cool. It's Sherry Chevron too. God rest your soul, God rest your soul, you're cool. But you're never gonna tell me that I'm not gonna audition. That's right. Cause when I was at a Vanna Chubbock, I went to a Vanna Chubbock for two or three months. And I was already starting audition.

And they were like, well, we don't know. What don't you know? What is it? Don't you know that you don't know if I'm ready to make money? If I'm making money, obviously your acting class is working. We'll leave it at that. And I'm gonna go out.

But you're never gonna control me. And tell me I cannot go out. Yeah, we didn't listen to that. Freddie at the beginning was drinking the Kool-Aid and then he quit the second year to go on tour. Yeah, no, no. Everybody was drinking the Kool-Aid. Sherry Shepherd too.

She quit to go do a show. Yeah, people were telling you in acting classes, you're not ready. Get the fuck out of here. I'm a standup. I come from a different world. They're not ready. These kids that get out of college

and took a theater program and come here, they're not ready. I'm ready. I'm at that store fucking nine nights a week following Mooney and the lights of this guy and Eddie Griffin. So even though I'm not a seasoned actor, I'm three quarters of the way here.

I just gotta find my fucking way. And I did. Eventually I found out why Mitzi Short gives you three minute spots. At the end of it, what's an audition? Three minutes. If you can't sell yourself in three minutes, you can't sell who you are.

And every comic will come to you and say, I don't get it. I can't do three minutes. Well, you better learn quick. My bits are too long. I have crossed them. Yeah, well, I don't know what to do. Just quit.

Because my bits won't chop the bit. Yeah, it teaches you how to cut the fat. And just get to a point. Mitzi didn't care if you just went up there and did punch lines. Just get them laughing. That's it. If it's without a setup, if you can get away with it, if I get away without kissing you and fingering you,

it would be a beautiful fucking world. It would be a beautiful world, but you can't. But she taught you those three minutes got me ready to audition eight years later. Like I got into the store in 97. I started booking like a motherfucker in 2003. Because you're constantly learning to just be in the moment. Because I learned in between comedy and acting,

and I put it together. I took the acting class. I paid attention. I did the scene studies. I went to a co-reading workshop. I fucking, you know, you go to those acting classes, they hook you up with a kid that he's not a stand-up. Yeah.

So you have to learn. So they'll call you eight times a day saying, hey, when are we going to rehearse? And you're like, bitch, I'm fucking right. And you're all saying, you're like, whoa. Wait a minute. That's right. You got to rehearse.

So you got to call him three times a week and go, we're meeting at 2.30 in my house this week, or where do you live? I live in La Nina Del Ray. You got to go down there and rehearse. So every week you're rehearsing, and now you're going on stage at night. Do you understand what's going on?

There's a process. You're just not going to. So now while you're rehearsing in the daytime, getting better at your acting, at night you're getting on stage. You're doing three spots a week. You're doing three spots at night. You're getting on stage.

You're getting on stage. And eventually both worlds become one. And now you know how to go into a room and start going. Well, they gave me this audition, but it only had one line. Welcome to the real world. That's right. Learn how to take that one line and cut it into three

and stay in there for three minutes instead of one. I remember Mooney, I used to get so frustrated. I'd come to the store and be pissed off. I'd be like, man, I blew an audition. I don't know what the hell I'm doing wrong. And he's like, girl, you ain't going to book anything until you walk into the audition, the way you walk into that OR.

I was like, oh shit. That makes sense, yeah? Yeah. Fucking Mooney, man. Mooney was no. All those guys. But what he meant was, I walk in, like I own it. That was my, I was there every night.

You know, I worked, I was a waitress. I took, you know, so I walked in there, even though I'm not a comic or the owner or whatever, for some reason, I walk in that room, like that's my living room. And that's how you have to do in an audition, walk in like you already got the fucking part. You're just here to pick up the check.

How many years are you doing comedy when you take the blue show for Showtime? Oh, not that. That's five years ago now. So the blue show on Showtime is five years, so seven, seven years? You were into comedy seven years ago. And now you got your second booking on TV?

This is the Comedy Central with All Things Comedy and Bill Burr. It's almost like the, it's not called the presents, Comedy Central Premium Blend. Remember they used to do the short sets? So these are the shorter sets, which is great because like you were just talking about doing, when Mitzi would make you do three minutes,

you have to sell yourself in three minutes, right? Now we got to go back down these sets for five minutes. You know, I've been headlining this. I'm doing an hour, you start stretching things out longer. Five minutes is so hard now. I'm like, dang. So you just got to get back into that motion. So this week and next week,

I have all set up like little five minute spots here and there, you know, just to get back into that rhythm of editing, because I remember one night, I was in a comic, I was a waitress, me and you are in the back of the, like in the kitchen of the comedy store, Mitzi comes in, I start talking to Mitzi. Or no, I was telling you a story about calling the cops

for the first time in my life. And you're like, that's hilarious. Cause I wound up being a bird on my stupid, it wasn't a person, it was a bird that was like chirping or nibbling at my window. And I thought it was a person. And so you got to tell Mitzi that story. You got to tell me to see that story.

It's hilarious, right? So I tell Mitzi and she's like, edit, honey, get to the point, my whole body shut down. I was like, fuck you, I'm not a comic. Like, but I was like, oh yeah, there's like things, like how you can get there quicker. You know what I mean? And just get the point out, get the funny out and move on.

And she, that's all she wanted to see ever. And I remember my whole body locking up and freezing. Like, I'm never going to become a comic. She's so mean, but she was so right is what she. Are you really proud of yourself, what you've done? I am, I am because I'm, like I said with the acting, I loved acting. I only wanted to be an actress.

I never wanted anything else. My mom called me Jezebel from the time I could talk. Like I was just always, but it was weird because I would do impressions. I would make them laugh, but I thought I was acting. You know what I mean? Like I would, anything was in the news. I would reenact it for my mom to make her laugh,

do stupid stuff, do impressions of everybody in the neighborhood. Like people are like, if the people I do impressions of were famous, I'd be huge because I'm so good at those impressions. But it was just those people. Those people. Yeah.

Like my friend Cindy or my sister Karen or this drunk lady named Ellen. Not to interrupt you. My wife told me, you know who's pregnant? Who? What's the girl that used to dance on stage during Chewie's shows at the Hollywood Bowl when she picked up a leg?

Adrienne Shawshank, she's in DC and she's pregnant. Wow, that's amazing. I love Adrienne. I love Adrienne. Adrienne was my favorite. Can I do a confession? I'm the one that used to rob her on Monday nights. Oh man, all these years I thought it was somebody else.

I used to rob her like one Monday a month. She'd be like, I lost $300. I'm like, Adrienne, how the fuck do you, I'd have to, I'd have to void all her drinks. I'm like, she's like, I don't know what happened. You could listen. Remember that time they gave her the bad drugs? Oh, that was terrible.

She was trying to eat. What about the time? This lip was down here. I don't know how she did that. She was into different shit, but one time I took a $100 stack of singles. You better send her a check. From the comedy store,

they were all sitting back there counting money and Rico was back there. You see, I used to blame his friend. And I walked in to get a check. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I walked in to get a check and I saw the money and Rico was looking at a calendar and I just picked up the money like a joke

and nobody saw it, so I just put it in my jacket. I walked out, it was a stack of a hundred singles, right? I took the bank thing off and I threw it in the thing and I had a hundred singles. I walked down the pink dot, I gave them 50. They gave me two twenties and a 10 and I did something real quick. But by the time I got back to the store,

they're all like, the manager's missing a hundred hours. He thinks Mike Rickard did it and I'm fucking dying to laugh. Poor Mike Rickard. I'm like, I'm off the fucking hook. That's why he had to move back home. Yes. Oh, I know who we had on the Comedy Store podcast.

We had the Bushman, Lahai. You remember Lahai Fambula? Where is he? Dude, he's a comedy goal on a podcast. He's hysterical. He always does Danish and O'Neill. He always does, well, now we'll have him do our job. Where is he?

He's downtown, right? No, he's living in Koreatown. Okay, you gotta get me his number. He goes, Joe Diaz, don't help me out. I go, whoa, whoa, Joe Diaz. I have not seen that. I go, I'm gonna get Joe Diaz's ass for not helping you out.

I did not even know Lahai was still around. Lahai, you know, you get him to say certain names. Like he's like, when I was in Seattle, I worked with Coco Bean. I'm like, who's Coco Bean? That's Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain, that's right. Eddie Van Haak, he says everything wrong.

It's amazing. I did not even know. Dude, he's great. He's writing a book right now. He's the nicest man. Listen, my high friend, Bula. His daughter's a dynamite. His daughter's a, what do you call that, influencer

on social media. And his son's gotta be a man. Sean is a basketball player overseas. He's phenomenal, yeah. His son's, I still remember. Two daughters and a son, yeah. I still remember going back to his house. In Seattle, right?

In Seattle, him taking us to a place. We party all the time. We used to get down, Joe. Bushman likes to party. The Bushman likes to party. Joey, if you see him, send him my love. I'll email. I'll give him your email.

He's a great fucking dude. I would dab him in this podcast in a minute. He's blood to me. You just reminded me of somebody that I've forgotten about completely. Like, I'm sad because. Everybody went crazy. Josh Wolf was like, oh shit, the Bushman's here.

Like, what the hell? We've known him. We were kids together. And here's the funny thing. I got into trouble one time. He calls me Illinois. It's very funny. Illinois.

Hello, Illinois. One time, I got in trouble out here. Like some happened, I had to lay low for a couple of days. And I turned to lie. And lies like, I got a place for you to stay at. So he gives me this fucking address. Luhi's the best. I meet him outside.

I had a chill for like two or three days. And I pull up and he takes me upstairs to his, this hideout, no air conditioning. You know, the windows are open. You can hear Mexican music. You can hear Spanish people. I'm just sitting on the living couch. I'm just sitting there sweating.

And all of a sudden it's too many afternoon. And I just see a rat just crawl across the kitchen. Like, and I said, Luhi, I love you like a brother. But this ain't gonna happen. I called my friend. Oh, no big deal. No big deal. Of course.

Oh, you have to give me 100 a month. Listen, Luhi, I can't give you $10 a month because I can't fucking stay here, all right? I think I ended up staying with Joey Medina instead right out there. That's how bad Luhi's place was in Luhi. I can't fucking do it. But I got to tell you something.

Fambula. We did a lot of, but I still remember going to his house. Those kids were sleeping at two in the morning. Monday nights we would get fucked. Do you remember he used to work on Venice Beach and he'd be wearing the loincloth and he'd have a spear. A spear. Put the money in the pan.

And they point a spear at people. He goes, oh, they don't want to put the money. It's okay. I go, Luhi, you have a spear in their face. Luhi was possible. It was me. Me and Freddie love Luhi. Josh Wolf, Mark Madison.

Oh my God, Mark Madison. Luhi has been here for a long time. Yeah, he goes, I showcase for Mitzi. Nobody helping me. Joe Diaz didn't help. Did Mitzi pass him? Yeah. Mitzi passed him.

Yeah, he was irregular for a while. It was me. He was up there a lot. That's what I'm saying. There's a lot of people who just, it's not that you're not there. He's got a family. He's got a family and people. Life goes different.

But he brought up Joe Diaz. I go, I'm telling Joe Diaz. Yeah, I love Luhi. No, Luhi never hit me up. I forgot Luhi even existed. That's how many. Same until I heard the other podcast. And I laughed so hard.

Like, oh shit. People don't understand the responsibilities I have now. Yeah. Like, I don't have the same responsibilities as I had seven years ago. Oh, exactly. You have children.

So everything changes. And it's so weird when you have to tell people no. Or like, I was just thinking about something I got to do tonight. And I'm like, fuck. I guess my day is not finished. I still got to go home and do this and this and this. Then I got to go down there.

So it's going to be tough even doing that tonight. You have so many things that pop up in your plate that life goes on. And when are you taping the show? We're taping April 16th. I don't know. I'm sorry, April 17th and 18th. They're doing two nights, I guess,

at this theater downtown. What do I call it? The T-Rigan? Yeah. When Josh Adam Myers and me spoke, and he mentioned your name, I was so proud of you. And I wanted to get you on the show to let people know your journey.

To let people know. Because I started as a doorman at Whitsend. I just remembered the other day when Steve Simone was here. I did my doorman stint. What's Whitsend? Whitsend was a club in Denver. It was a small club, a satellite club. In Westminster, Colorado, Strip Mall,

they just had local people to be you comics, stuff like that. But I started by watching. I mean, I wasn't watching for 12 fucking years. I would have died. I would have started coming when I was 80. Well, I was trying. I know. People are like, how old are you?

I'm like, I'm almost dead. Relax. Fucking idiots. But I'm very proud of you, Eleanor. Aw, thank you. Yeah, I'm thrilled Josh Adam Myers is on it. There's a lot of great people. Rick Ingram's doing it.

Punky Johnson, like, this is going to be a big thing. I'm, well, it's a big thing for me. I don't care. Bill Burr is bringing you up. That's the biggest name in comedy. Approved by Bill Burr. That's all I care about. That's all you care about, man.

That guy knows the struggle. He knows he's been there. He's been on a show that got canceled. He went and rebuilt himself. And now he's the comic that he is today. I take my hands off the Bill Burr every fucking day and a week. I think he's at the store Thursday night. And I'm pissed because I'm not there.

I haven't seen him. I want to see a piece of his new special, something. The big part of me, like, when Andrew gave me that thing on Showtime, the blue show, and he really pushed for me because they don't know who the heck I was. They were like, who the hell is this girl? And is this some girl you're trying to sleep with?

He's like, I already did that. So just let's help her out, right? So they put me in there. And all I cared about was making him proud. And now that Bill Burr looked at my stuff and was like, yes. I had to submit stuff to them. And he approved it. So to me, I'm like, oh my god.

Now all I care about, like, just do a good job to make Bill proud. Like, that's comedy recognizing comedy. You know what I mean? Comics recognizing comedy. Yeah. And I look up to him. Yeah.

So it's not like fucking some network that likes. I watched him come in and showcase and not get passed and never get on. Mitzi just looked right past him, like nothing I've ever seen. Not like Louis CK. With Louis, she said he was too polished. But with Bill, it was just like he didn't exist.

But because it was his manager, she didn't know them or care for them or something. There was something. And then finally, I think she saw him in the main room. She goes, this guy's terrific. I'm like, bitch, we've been telling you. But he was New York, and he was touring, and he was doing his thing anyway.

So. Well, I'm happy you took the time. Thank you for having me. To come over, because I love you to death, and I wish you all. It's my favorite podcast. Everywhere I go, people are like, oh my god. I love you on the church. I'm like, I don't go to church that much,

but I love this church. I love to have you on. I'm very proud of you. Thank you, Jody. I'm very proud of you. You stuck it out and put the work in, and you got what was coming to you. It is work.

Don't pretend it's not. No, that's why I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I, you know, you see them coming up on. I go up once a month. I'm like, no, get to Dubai.

This is a weird game with a lot of people, but any dates you'd like to promote me. Oh yeah, April 4th through 6th. I'm gonna be in Kansas City at the Comedy Club. That's the name of it, the Comedy Club. It's a great club. I'm excited. My friend Dustin owns it, and it's a new, brand new club,

so come out, support Jeremiah Watkins was just there, and it was great last weekend. I'll be there April 4th through the 6th, and then House of Comedy April 24th through the 28th in Phoenix. Oh shit. That's a good fucking club. That's a good organization.

Can't wait. Yeah, I love them. They're good people. I'm happy you took the time to get on. I, on the other hand, will be in Pittsburgh next weekend, but I only got one show left Thursday night late, which we added at the 10 o'clock show, and then you guys know I'm at the fucking Fitzgerald Theater

in Minneapolis on 419, pre-420, and then 420, you motherfuckers know we're coming in deep to the PAPS Theater in Milwaukee, where Jeffrey Dahmer killed his third victim. Anyway, that's how we fucking do it. I'll see you guys there. But before I go, I gotta talk to you about something. The church is sponsored by Stamps.com.

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Again, I wanna thank Quip, I wanna thank Stamps.com, and I wanna thank CBdLion.com for supporting the podcast. But most importantly, I wanna thank you, motherfucker, for listening and for loving us and for tuning in every fucking Monday and Thursday. I wanna thank Eleanor Kerrigan. I wanna thank my main man, the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I wanna thank you motherfuckers

for being loyal. You know I got your back. I'll see you in Buffalo Saturday night. If not, I'll see you motherfuckers in Pittsburgh in two weeks. Stay black, have a great weekend. God love you, and get ready for Monday motherfuckers. I'll see you guys then. Thank you, Eleanor.

Now Don't break me off, cause I'm on fire. And I can't quench my desire. But don't you know that I'm burning up for you, girl. You're not convinced that that isn't love. I put myself in this position. And I deserve the imposition that you don't even know I'm alive.

And this pounding in my heart just won't die. I'm burning up. I'm burning up, burning up for you, girl. I'm burning up, burning up for you, girl. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. For you, love. You're always closing the door. Well, it only makes me want you more.

And day and night, I cry for your love. You're not convinced that that is enough to justify my wanting you. Now tell me what you want me to do. I'm not lying, Eleanor. But you want to want me, but you can't let go. Come on, let go. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love.

I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. For you, love. Do you want to see me down on my knees? I'm burning over backwards now, would you please? Unlike the others, I do anything. I'm not the same, I have no shame. I'm on fire.

Come on, let go. Come on, let go. Do you want to see me down on my knees? I'm burning over backwards now, would you please? Unlike the others, I do anything. I'm not the same, I have no shame. I'm on fire. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love.

I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. I'm burning up, burning up for you, love. You know you got me burning up, baby. You know you got me burning up, baby.

I'm burning up for you, love. I'm burning up for you, love.