Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #671 - Michael Rapaport

Episode Date: April 2, 2019

Michael Rapaport, an actor known seen on "The Guest Book" and "Atypical", and heard as the host of the "I Am Rapaport Stereo Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 04/01/2019.

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So do me a favor go to CBD lion calm right now and check out their third-party lab results yourself and then Get some fucking CBD's and what you do is press in church and check out and the church family gets 20% off Who's better than you kick this motherfucking meal league? Oh shit Michael rapper port in the house Little New York City flavor for years on April 1st cocks up this It's the Christ killer Oh Shit

Turn it up motherfuckers now. What Uncle Joey in the house Mikey rap She could run and uh, and the Christ killer sharpening motherfucking knives. Oh, it's Easter Oh Mikey Raps talk to me when I hear a beat like that. I just wish I had the the ability to just start rhyming. I know Fucking tremendous, you know what I'm saying like if you could just like I'm up here. I can't do it No, we can like that, but I wish I could just start rhyming and I don't even know how to write lyrics like how we even start Right. I wouldn't know where I've tried Just to fuck around I

Can't even get out of the fucking like I'm not even the gate doesn't open There's not even a gate that opens. That's something that's always add me it like I watched the dirt Yes, when he was writing songs. Yeah, yeah, yeah six. Yeah, you have to be on a different type of brilliance Yeah, that shit to hear the music in your head. Yeah, I'm right the lyrics. Yeah, it's just a different fucking game What'd you think in that movie? I Enjoyed it fucking Tremendously music fans, right? I'm cheering for these movies because I know that You know that I know that they're gonna green light the Leonard Skinner, right?

They're doing Elton John right now, right? I want to show the crazy gay shit Elton's trying to get it out So that was gonna be a little touchy-feely But I know what the guy wrote for Leonard Skinner led Zeppelin should be coming soon after that Yeah, I watched something very interesting last night. What I had insomnia. I could not sleep I don't get pissed off and I have insomnia no more. I just Right Well, and I watched TV. I smoked dope and I fell asleep at three. I watched the Rolling Stones Ola Ola Ola Okay, they canceled their tour. They had a reschedule because Mick is fucking sick

Oh, and for Mick Jagger for anybody who knows anything about Mick Jagger for them to reschedule He's got to be sick. Yeah, because that guy is a fucking true professional and he loves money. He's all about the fucking paper But I watched Ola Ola Ola and it was very interesting. It was the South American tour leading up to Cuba Oh, how they had a sneak into Cuba. What year was this? This is two years ago a year ago I didn't see this one the Stones did Cuba and my cousins opened up for them Oh shit band in Cuba opened up for them So when I saw Ola Ola South American tour, I go let me turn this on and they go to Chile, Brazil Uruguay, they go to a bunch of countries, but the whole time they're trying to figure out

How they're gonna play in fucking Cuba, huh? So then Raul gives them the green light and then Obama decides to go down on the same day So they can't play on the same day as Obama the Cuban government says no, it's too much fucking they'll go crazy Right, so they had to move their date to the 25th Then the week of the concert the Pope raised his hand and said how dare they Play in the Catholic country on Good Friday. They got to move it. So they have to move it again. Mick Jaggers and I move it They got all the equipment down there and they show Mick coming out in front of the fucking Cubans and They went nuts they went fucking nuts when he started talking Spanish was he was he was talking Spanish?

He spoke Spanish in all the countries, you know, he does this You have to watch the movie because I always say arts are all the same. It's all the same every yard has You know, the art of music and the art of comedy most musicians are Were most comedians are musicians that didn't have the balls to get a guitar Oh me, uh-huh I didn't have the balls to get a guitar because I thought comedy was easy So if you notice a lot of comics are fans of music. Yeah, and it goes both ways

So at one time they show Mick Jagger in the film and he's got lines in his hand He's got so he does research. He has somebody to research from on where he's going So when he goes up on stage, you know, I'm saying you for go to you you'll see you guys will soon Know one day you're gonna be headlining and you're gonna go into a town And you're gonna be feeling good about yourself and the feature act is really a feature It's really a headliner, but he's featuring because the club wants to be a stronger show. He's no threat to you But while he's up there, he's local He's talking about a local references. He's talking about this restaurant

You stand online and and he's destroying them and you feel like shit Because you don't know anything about the city and now you got to follow this Nothing scares you more than when somebody gets personal with the town, right in front of you That's when you really build a bond With a city when the city knows that you love them. That's why I love every American city Because I find something to love and when I go on the road You start talking about it makes me easy it makes it easy for me to go there when I go to Charlotte Outside my fucking hotel. There's a sabrette hot dog stand

With the onions. I know exactly which one you're talking about. You know, which one? Yeah, yeah, you know when you go to fucking Houston, you got to go to Papa though Miami you got to go to this restaurant and you start learning Different things about a city while you're a feature act But you start but you but you feel like when you go up in those cities to ingratiate yourself the city to make it So you're not just like popping in there, right? You have to talk about something that is popular in the city that you really truly I got you when I go to Cleveland I go to that restaurant every Friday to get pastrami. I got you, you know to get the corned beef sandwich

What I forget the name of the place Frimans, you know different cities. I'm going to Milwaukee. There's a little Chinese restaurant on the strip there by that by the Italian Well, the old comedy cafe was tremendous, you know, you this good Chinese food in Milwaukee. Yeah That's good to know listen the block What they didn't show you in Donnie Brasco, but they told you in the book was that Donnie Brasco made a big raid in Milwaukee before New York Ah, they just didn't have enough time to put it in the movie. Uh-huh. He got the ballasteries out of Milwaukee or one of Minneapolis state. It's a mafia family that makes money on Vending machines, uh-huh vending machine mafia family before he busted the guys in New York

He went to Milwaukee. So the first time I went to Milwaukee in 99 Those guys were getting out of jail. Oh shit and the club is right across the street from the Italian neighborhood They have a little they got Italian even up. Yeah, it's a block So it goes this way and Chinatown goes this way their version of it's like two blocks down Chinese Right three or four different Chinese restaurants and a little diner But that Italian block had a deli that you know the ones you walk in they smell like cheese And they had meatball parlors for two dollars what I mean a nice nice ones in 1999 You know I'm saying you're a starving comic you find the place that is two dollar meatballs

I'm meatball fucking porn for two dollars dollars. Not bad. No balls, you know, like a it's a lot better than a fucking subway Absolutely, at least it was real fucking meatball. Absolutely prosciutto sandwiches meatball sandwiches that are I mean, you know at certain places you got to pay in certain places you It'll be worth it because it's it is really good, but a fucking like like to me I know that I know inflation to change but a true fucking There's only one place I know there's other places in New York City But have you been to this place in Astoria Sal and Chris's? No Yeah, when you go back

Go to Sal and Chris's in Astoria You you you you you'll know when you fucking walk in from the smell. It's been there forever The fuck it I mean, it's like eight dollars for a fucking brick a Brick like a fucking sandwich with the bread the meat everything's fresh You buy a jar of pepperosinis a 16 ounce coke a bag of wise potato chips Who's gonna fucking stop you and you read the daily news while you're eating nothing's gonna stop you nothing could stop you And that truly is only in New York that that what I just described yes, and it's only you know It's in Queens, but it's fucking well worth it. It's well fucking worth it

I was in New York City, and I walked up Times Square last week And they got like a fucking Domino's Pizza, so I I'll never go in and don't ever ever ever There's a fucking. What's that? What's the Italian place? Oh garden? There's an olive garden like two blocks up from Times Square. It's all there years ago I would stand out there with a rifle People off as they went in there ever. Why are you going in there? You're in New York four years ago? I'm in Long Island. I'm staying right across the street from the National Coliseum There's a hotel there. I'm going downstairs

And I'm like my glasses smoke a joint when I get back on the fucking elevator Two white kids and they're fucking white fathers got charred father Domino's pizza. I wanted to punch the father. What do you do if they don't know better and go? You know where you are. Yeah, you're in the heart of pizza and you're getting Domino's just go anywhere It's better than Domino's you're personally fucking insulting me. Yeah, like you're personally Fucking insult you're in New York. There's Pete's even the shit Pete's is better than Domino's. I 99 cent slice period. I would go to slice

Before I go to fucking Domino's in New York anywhere. That's just re never that's breach of treason Domino's is for desperation times desperation hour And it even then you eat it and you feel bad you feel bad you regret, but it's desperate Which like last choice tell Mary shit if you're in fucking Columbus, Ohio or something and everything is closed that fucking Domino's and you're starving after a show and it's quick the quickest quick they deliver You give the guy an extra 10 because you don't give a fucking run it to your room at that 145 right to the room That's the one time I ate it I got a thin cheese and I ate half of it

And I threw the other half out and I went back in the garbage and took it back out You knew you were gonna you knew you were on all the way. You thought it was gonna disappear starving some nights after a show You gotta fucking eat on a Thursday night. Yeah But to switch it from food, I want to talk to you about some because I want to see your take on it Jesse Smollett last week this fucking guy is a clown. He's a fucking clown Listen Joey first I thought this is what I thought it was and we've all been a part of them, okay? I thought and I'll be totally honest my wife when it first happened She she she said I think this is bullshit. This is when it first. I was like when it first happened

I looked at his face when it's very first happened something's not right. I didn't think that I didn't think I thought something wasn't Right about his face. My wife said I think this is some bullshit and I was like really she goes. Yeah, I'm telling you I didn't think that But because she said that I just kind of going with it. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is some bullshit I just was kind of like, you know Raised it like being contrarian. I thought it was a dick suck gone wrong Joe We've all been a part of dick suck gone wrong. It has nothing to do with his sexuality. He's homosexual. I don't care about that men women

Straight gay, we've all been a part of a dick suck gone wrong meaning you're with a girl You thought one thing she thought another thing. Maybe there was a dick suck Maybe you thought you were gonna get a dick suck reciprocated something was boyfriend knocks on the door Many different things that could happen in a dick suck and that's just a that's just uh, I'm using dick suck as a metaphor That's what I thought it was and maybe he got pushed around smacked around That's what I thought it was a meeting. It was a meetup gone wrong Again, nothing to do with his sexuality. You gotta you gotta preface that nine times But to find out that it's this shit with the Nigerian brothers who are also brothers and

Then to find out that there's charges and then there's charges dropped and this fucking guy is showing up to court Like he's fucking a Russell Westbrook all dressed to the fucking nines and he's still like he's going to the playoffs and shit Like he's going to the game for the NBA finals fucking dressed and he's still acting like he did nothing wrong Motherfucker, we know you did so. This is you think that people It's like OJ not this is seeding kill anybody, but it's like what about the two people that attacked you? You don't care about them. There's two mega people in Chicago with their bullshit pizza. No disrespect to Chicago That ain't pizza. No disrespect, but there's two mega guys homo homophobic Racist racist mag guys running in the streets of Chicago Jesse

Don't you want to catch the fucking guys that assaulted you since it's not the Nigerian? And now they're saying the Nigerians might have been wearing white face So blackface a white face is the new black face in 2019 per this fucking cop. This guy's a clown Did you see Chris Rock rip his asshole? Good job. I just want to know Like I saw his face and I saw a little blood. Oh, you mean that you saw his face that night and I go something's not right Completely, so they didn't beat him up enough to put the noose over his head. Exactly. I just had ideas I've seen people get mugged, you know, I've been there

People have gotten mugged. I see the people the animals I've been with and I've even had a look at them and go Jesus Christ You know, okay, let's take all that shit out But I knew something then when two days I didn't pay much attention to it I don't pay it that much. I've been on it from the beginning then two or three days later I found that he didn't give him the phone now. I knew something was wrong. I didn't know what it was I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I know what he did, but I know this is not right Well, there's incriminating pictures and is whatever I know if I get beat up in the cops on my phone I give him the phone just to see

What the phone calls would be made and the cops are gonna find out anyway, Joe, let me be transparent about something You notice I was five minutes late when I got here. I was supposed to be 1130. Yeah, got here 1135. I Had to take a shit Okay, now I have all sort of colitis. I think we talked about this on my back I have no problem shitting in public If I have to go I got to go all sort of colitis. Look it up. I'm not gonna describe my disease But if I have to go I have to go. I don't know your neighborhood good where we shoot the show here. Okay? I'm driving around. I

Don't feel comfortable because I said I'm gonna wind up shitting in public in this neighborhood and it's gonna be on surveillance That's my biggest fear Now, of course, I would love to find a bathroom a Denny's the car wash where I never I drove around looking to shit in public Find a corner an alley, but I didn't feel comfortable because I kept seeing the cameras and all stuff now Not gonna I have a three-point system. I go against the wall. I use my car So the three-point system is I can only be seen from one two or three because I back myself into a corner against the wall If I have to shit in public, I couldn't find a place. You have toilet paper in your car. Oh, I got it all McDonald's bang. No because I shit. I shit right on the street. I

Loved it. I've done it. I thought that was the only savage no so so so Inevitably, I didn't feel comfortable in your neighbor because my biggest fear is oh, there's Michael Rappaport shitting in public I don't know. I'll take a picture yourself the TMZ and you're done There's not I mean you could do way worse things, but there's hard. It's hard to come back from shitting in public Like you're you're a fucking dog So I have I found the car wash a little car wash up the street I went and bought a water did my business came in there was five minutes late I pride myself on being early because I had parked down the street before and then I was I had to shit

I said, I don't think there's a bathroom in Joe's spot, and I don't want to blow up Joe's spot The point is is Joe is Anywhere in the world. Okay, we're in the valley here This is a residential neighborhood if if I'm concerned about being caught on videotape for shitting in public And I know I could have been caught on videotape for shitting in public There's no videotape downtown Chicago in the middle of fucking people know where he got this happen This is downtown Chicago. This isn't some fucking discreet a Suburban neighbor. This is in the middle of fucking Chicago. There's no videotape of anything except for a one photo of two guys covered

There's no videotape of it and the whole time When he's walking to his house from his house, they're kicking them. They're beating or putting a news bleach There's no videotape of it no surveillance video, and I can't take a shit on the way to do the church of what's happening now Get the fuck out of you and also like you said if you and Lee jump me right now And you're kicking me and beat me and all this shit and and and on top of that you put a fucking noose on my neck That's a fight for your life That ain't just a little you'll give me your wallet to get some to actually get a noose on someone's neck you two guys That's a fight for my fucking life. I'm not gonna have just a little scratch a time

He said they were kicking him in his back. Let me see your back. Let me see the fucking boot wounds Bullshit did they ever come like explain why like weren't weren't the brothers on the show with him and didn't he pay them with a check? Yeah, did any of that ever come out of this thing? They'd say it over and the police and listen police are furious FBI is gonna get him and if he's if he's lucky if that fucking kid is in Chicago And he's in a 25 mile per hour speeding zone. He goes 26. He's getting arrested He's not welcome in Chicago ever again. He better be careful in Chicago Because he made fucking everybody look like a fucking asshole. Now. I heard that He's friends with Obama's assistant

Apparently, that's how he got assistant made the call apparently. That's what happened I'm not mad because hey, you know what? The brothers got to win every once in a while to I shafted up the ass constantly You got to give a win to that's an irresponsible Irresponsible fucking thing to I mean and how sick are you like you're on a TV show? You've never done anything before you're this is like the best first job ever Like it is starting a career as an actor. You're young openly gay good-looking kid black kid on a successful show

You're not gonna ask for a better start to a career to be a supporting character on Empire How much more fame do you need like right now like this on the bay and he said I'm the gay two-pot get the fuck out Of here with this shit. Everybody's a freedom fighter. Everybody's you know fucking get the fuck out of my view I realized where we live and how you and I grew up compared to where we live. It's all fucking different. Okay. Look it Let's start with never mind fucking Jesse Smollett

Let's talk about Harvey Let's talk about Marilyn Monroe. Let's talk about never never fucking land. Mm-hmm. Let's talk about you know Cosby that you know, we were talking about this couple weeks ago. So Cosby raped. Let's say ten chicks in this trail at NBC Let's just say ten right. Nobody saw How much do I have to pay you? For you to walk out for me to walk out with a chick that's half fucking Gogged up a shirt might be a little the button might be off. She might be holding her shoes Nobody's seen none of these things

So was it NBC that's playing it. I'm just using NBC as an example. I'm not putting NBC down Somebody had to see something in 20 fucking years. Absolutely. Okay. Somebody saw something somebody knew something You know Harvey Weinstein these agents were sending people. Yes. It was well-known. Yes, and a lot of chicks did suck his dick That's true. No You know this never never land This fucking guy I saw you comment about on Twitter and I made my comments about but again Everybody's blaming the parents and never never land. You've never lived in Hollywood. You've never been caught up in Hollywood Yeah, to be who else there are people that don't make

$65,000 a year in this country, right? They're short of that by 40 grand 50 grand a fucking year compared to what this kid's making an episode. Yeah only in Hollywood Would your thinking take you that place? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. I'm not now. He's a fucking junkie too. Is that yet? Let's get this out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so when you add drugs to the mist makes you're not thinking the same I give them all these benefits of doubts that when you're doing drugs He was saying he was doing a lot of ecstasy and he was copying ecstasy from the two Nigerians and all this shit You know, it's like when you do coke the next day. It's tough to do stand-up. You're not connected to your material You're just up there reading a fucking script from that you have in your mind

So I got to give them all these things, you know, but what makes you say? 65 G's isn't enough. I want to stick out for it. It's not, you know, I'm not gay enough I'm not black enough, right? I need to stick out. So even more these are all things that are associated With the lifestyle that's surrounding. Yeah, this is what's around You could go nuts from this shit. I Will tell you this honestly, I dealt with criminals for 20 years that I have more faith in than the people I'm surrounded with today Because there's faith amongst thieves these people come up to you look at your fave blah blah blah and then you know

Man, we loved your Netflix passion and two weeks later somebody comes up to you when you weren't there These three idiots are saying and you don't you can't call them out because we people like you and I go to jail here See people like you and I were raised to go to somebody confront them and said did you really say this? No, yeah But Bob whatever if you do this here, you're hard to work with. Yeah Difficult to work with your whatever, you know, you're all these things. Yeah, which anywhere else people would Talk to you and go, you know what I fucked up Mike, right never happened again, right? I was thinking, you know, at least you know where I stand here. You don't know where you stand No, and you they're in a business to rob you if you don't watch your shit

You'll get robbed right they're robbed right keep putting shit on you and dates and you know There's clubs that had a seven dollar church sir charge to your ticket. So for every ticket I sell I got to give you seven dollars off the top Is that is that some bullshit that happens? Oh, no, it happens I don't mind you getting a seven off the top but split with Uncle Joe, right? So let me know if you don't do nothing that even if you give me 90% of the fucking door and I sell 1500 seats you get seven hundred seven dollars per ticket You're robbing me, right? The agents ain't saying that name right, you know I'm saying because they don't want to break that

Relationship they have a bond with them. How do you find out about that? Just go buy a ticket If you go buy one just go buy a ticket someday just to check it Just go to a go to one of your tickets and buy a ticket. What is it called a surcharge? It's a charge Everybody got a ticket master blah blah blah, you know, you there's some clubs you play that they want a house nut and then Per ticket it's 14 fucking dollars 14 for the casino in Connecticut

What's 14? Casino it's supposed to be a ride-off entertainment, right? 14 they don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. They just want to fuck They just want to fuck whoever they can and I'm not complaining. I'm not mad But just let me know I'm bold to be in this position to sell tickets and to go out and to do comedy But we live in Hollywood and you know, we sit there We watch Never Never Land and you say how can the fucking parents not see it? The parents had nothing and next thing, you know, they stand next to Michael Jackson

You know, look at the one family let the money for a house Right. She said it. Yeah gave us a loan low interest. Yeah, then when they said don't worry about it's a gift You know, yeah, you just get caught up, you know, absolutely. I did the longest yard I can't lie to anybody. I can't lie to you. I got caught up. How? You ever see a TV show you would go to the taping of a TV show Okay, and Lee walks in and says his line. I'm here now. It's a funny line the first time But they make you do it seven times. Uh-huh. The PA's are still giggling. Uh-huh the directors is still giggling directed and the producers like That's a funny line. It's not really a funny fucking line

But they're blowing smoke up here. Uh-huh to keep you fresh to keep you upbeat Uh-huh the producers are blow smoke up your ass to keep you fresh and to be a beat And then you go see the final product and you go what a piece of shit. This is You know when I was shooting a longer shot they were telling me this that this that you're gonna do this You're gonna blow up. You're gonna do this. None of those things happen, right? And I should have known but I got you, you know, it's like it's NC double late time of the year I got you and somebody asked me did you better bracket and I go? I haven't I I Respect college ball and the final this time of the year so much betting would ruin it

I bet on the final four and I fucking got my ass handed to me You know, this is so pure and so American. Yeah, just watch it. Yeah, watch where Michigan State's upsets Duke Good, you know, yeah, I know what you mean. It's all about that's what that's all about. I agree I love Boulder, Colorado. I love Colorado. You know, I don't go to Colorado Because I shit on Colorado. What do you mean? It's God's country. I got arrested there Kidnapping I pulled a thousand scams there. I got divorced there. I let Colorado down as a human being Yeah, I go to Denver bold and those places. I don't deserve to be there. Mm-hmm, but I know this going in You know, I got you know, there's going the fuck. I got you

So I was telling somebody that they're like, so when was the last time you bet on college basketball? I don't fuck them remind me. No, that's my best fucking college basketball. I Just went on the I just cleaned up on the Super Bowl. It was the killer bees my yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I took the redskins. Yeah redskins covered and the guy paid me that Monday And I take a fucking I take the the bus to Port Authority I take the a train down and I go like 150 something Street. I'm walking around. It's January. It's fucking freezing I'm walking around and I see the store that sells chocolate tieweed. I knew they sold so hundred sixty fourth and Amsterdam And I walk in there. I buy I take a soda. I take a daily news

They only had three sodas and they used to be health food stores. Uh-huh in the 80s They were called health food still right and they sold weed They had one thing a protein powder one uh those protein bars Tiger something tiger tiger milk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got milk with the protein And they was bulletproof glass and the little skinny black guy. I used to call mr. Wendell, huh? Like I call even but this is a different time This is 93 when I still went into that neighborhood to buy weed but on this particular January Which was like February the day after the Super Bowl. It was freezing in New York

It's freezing. It's one of those January days Don't fucking win this coming off the East River and the cold and it's just cold So I go in there. I buy the fucking 20 sack. I buy $60 worth of weed. I bought three twenty eight hundred from the Super Bowl I'm living like a doctor. I go in there. Let me give me give me a quarter I go I take it outside now. I can't roll in there, right? So I take it outside. I Go in the building like other steps and I roll enjoy and then like I do whatever New York It does in 1983 I go for a fucking walk and I'm walking smoking this fucking joint and the wind blew it out So now I go into a building corner where the wind can't get me and I go to light to join this

I like to join her here. Are you serious? Get on the floor put your hands behind your head. I put my hands behind my head I turned around it was a fucking mailman with the bag He was really on the cover cop get on the floor get on the floor. Holy shit Also in the van pulled up and a cop caught pulled up. Jesus Christ get up Check for ID. I had no ID in those days. I never carry that. I'm a criminal. I got cash in my pocket rolling papers No, why that's all I needed. I wasn't that's your idea. Yeah, why am I driving? I don't have I don't need to have a license on me. Why am I driving?

They picked me up. What are you doing in this neighborhood? I said I was I came down. It's on Upper West Side This is the Upper West Side To in the afternoon and the guy goes to me get up. He searches me. He goes if you have more The ten singles in your pocket. I'm gonna bust your fucking head And he goes in my pocket and what it's in my pocket is 220s and seven hour bills He puts it back in my pocket and the pocket he takes the fucking bag of dope, huh? And he goes, I want to ask you where you went this day Bro, I come up here to take a fucking walk unless I bought some pot

He didn't ask me where I bought the pot or anything He took the other cop the other cop and him talk the mailman took his shirt off and now that was two guys with badges Outside their shirts and shit and had a van like a crime something van and the guy goes All right, what's your name? I tell him my name He fucking takes me into the van handcuffed. They take the handcuffs off and I had to put my hand on something And then all center came back Jose Diaz a little bit arrested. He goes so he didn't lie to us He goes

You're cool. We're cool The reason why we did this is because it's a school of the block somebody's selling joints To the kids up to school. That's what we were saying about the dollar What we're gonna do is this I was so cool with the cops the cops took the handcuffs off They opened the bag of dope they took half of it out and threw it in the floor and gave me the rest of it back They go now, which is gonna write your ticket take the ticket I don't want to take the ticket They give me a ticket and I'm parking in New York, but I gotta go to court Guess what night I gotta go to court. Mm-hmm and see double-a finals. Oh shit Houston against fucking North Carolina

Are you serious? Houston, Valvano, Houston's given nine Nine in the paper, but the line goes up to nine and a half So I love Houston and I got in that December. I went to buy Pat Benatar tickets At the fucking giant stadium and I heard a commotion and I turn around and it's North Carolina State With Jim Valvano walking through then I go what the fuck and that wasn't a sign Like that should have been my sign But I didn't let it I went with the national public and I go Houston's gonna slaughter them

So I take like 300 I call the bookmaker and I gotta go to court that night. New York had six o'clock court Six o'clock court the night of the NCAA finals. I got the letter in the mail You gotta go to court at six o'clock and you get there at six you could you know, there's 80 people on the fucking docket You know watching the game And there's no fucking there's no T DVR No sports phones 35 minutes 35 cents for the first three minutes and you sit there They always gave you a score last right they give you the islanders the penguins and hockey They know what you're called basketball and fucking then they give you college basketball

One of the NCAA finals when they said North Carolina was up like by one I just hung up the phone. I'm like All that I get fucking taken because you knew you because you they weren't beating the spread They weren't beating the spread and I remember getting out of there for the second half Like eight minutes left and just running to a bar Down by the court down 21st street whatever 22nd where I had to go And I caught a fucking beating and I'll never forget that

I owed the bookie so much fucking money like I was borrowing the bar. We hung on it There was a loan shark upstairs. His name was George and I would borrow money from him, but I would borrow from him for lee Right, so I would borrow 500 right. It's not for me. Lee got his girlfriend pregnant. He's embarrassed to ask you He would never go up to leave. So I would make payments for lee Uh As me, uh, then I would go up to the following me. Michael rapper port needs a thousand. They fucking He fucked up. He's shatting someone's lawn and this I had this guy like 12 accounts Plus he would give me $50 for everybody. I bought him. I was gonna say so he gave me a tip for everybody

Do you remember we used to get snowstorms so bad the daily news wouldn't come. Yeah, do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah The newspaper would not come and you couldn't bet. Yeah, I was so addicted. I was telling somebody's story I was so addicted to gaming at that. I was caught up I was caught up and I were betting 40 time parlays every night Betting NBA is no bueno. It's not good. No, it's the quickest way to destruction. You only bet the NBA in october That's it. Once the lines get hard, you're gonna lose all your money and it's every day See football is on the weekends

But basketball is every day you can bet monday night, right? So you're fighting every night, but I remember that the one snowstorm We call the booking like how you doing gray cavalier? What's on the board tonight? I'm gonna say listen. We got no lines The newspapers didn't come. Uh The only lines we have with some shitty game Uh, that's went off already and then we got uh like harvard Playing lasal. Uh-huh, and I'll never forget this harvard was getting 32 points And me and my buddies like well ain't they gonna get beat by 32 There's no way they're gonna get beat by 32. We're taking the fucking we're taking harvard

We call the guy we bet like I don't know how much thousands on harvard We're fucking sitting there waiting for because there's no espn. There's no sports center I think there was sports center. It but it wasn't even it wasn't as intense as it is now You wouldn't get every score from every game And I and you're gonna remember this I'll never forget what we're watching where it's 11 20 We're at the bar. We're watching eyewitness news at arson Sports with water wolf and water wolf goes. How you doing if you had it harvard in the 32 you're a loser

Let's go to the videotape. That's what he opened up with he goes if you had harvard in the 32 You're a loser tonight. We just looked at each other like god damn it Water wolf is calling his fucking losers. You remember water wolf. That was my god. Let's go to the videotape. Oh my god When he I'm the one that he had that great voice. Oh my god. I remember one day He was coming to the nick games or something. Yeah showing a nick game and he goes Oh, look who's in the stands. His name is water wolf. He goes. That's my brother werewolf. There was a guy with a He used to say he was crazy fucking new york. He had such a good voice Yes, he did water wolf. So what you went from wet up in february to down thousands by march

Oh, I was I was down. Do you bet now on the games? No once in a great while. I'll bet that you have c match If i'm in vegas and it's gonna be but not like you're not like in it Once you lose money And you see what gambling does to people Like I had a decision at the age of 18 19. I said I could gamble with the rest of these fucking steps I could take that money and snort coke Well, what I'd rather do gamble on something I can't control or walk around and look out windows and get my dick sucked

I'll go with plan b. I'll right like that was a fucking that was just the gambling was just there was no Vegas always wins. I'm I never been into it sports blackjack I just don't fuck with like, you know every now and get that all $100 on a thing my fantasy football, but even then it's It's reasonable like I don't fuck around with Putting my money in because I just I don't get it. I don't fuck with blackjack poker. None of that shit Now every day if I'm in vegas. Oh, I'll play a five dollar hand I'll go here's $200 and I'll give myself the $200 fucking

limited if I lose a 200 or I make 60 bucks I like the money in my pocket I uh had a roommate that at 19 went up. He was up 80 And next to you know, he was down 60. He bet Miami He took Miami and selling everybody's bets And the killer bees lost And he had to get two jobs Three jobs 60 grand. He lost 60 grand. Oh, he lost 140 18

18 years old 19 years old. So he had to work at his father's deli From six in the morning to two or three and then he pumped gas from four to 12 He did that every day For eight months or something to get out of that fuck that He paid the guy every fucking Thursday to get out Jesus Christ They they negotiated something. I think he got him down to like 40 And he just went to work I'm not that he did that. He did two jobs and he sold coke

And now he's all fucked up. But I remember being friends with him Like now with light friends on facebook because it was just too much Like he felt like that we left him out in the cold. It ruined his fucking life though. He never watched sports That was it. He never put on another sports channel again. It was his brother's birthday yesterday and I Set this brother a message and I asked him how he was doing and he goes. He's okay. He's alive. He's got the hip Fuck after that. He even got the junk and shit up on you. He got that that gambling fucked him Up at 19

That was like a wake-up call. Fuck that shit. He never came back. He never recovered. I like the money in my fucking pockets, Joe No, I don't you know, also was a general game of my mother really baseball The Boston Red Sox and those fucking Mets Took it to the cleaners. She was betting Boston when they were losing She was in love with the Red Sox and the Mets Fuck that shit. And then when that shit wasn't good enough, then you got to go to otb Right and then when otb and then by the time my mother died my mother was getting home at one every night Two thirty because she'd go to yonkers when you go to yonkers for the night races

That that's your warning that you're a degenerate piece of fucking shit. Did they still go on yonkers? They do comedy at yonkers raceway. There's no there's no there's no horses up there yonkers. Yeah Yonkers still has horses. Have you ever done comedy up there? No, but somebody told me when I was in new york They have a night up there at the track you could book it when you're in new york. Can you imagine performing in front of those fucks? I would do great. It would probably be fun. I know exactly how to get of course because I was one of those guys Of course, you have to go up there throwing fucking heat about gambling. You gotta get your dick sucked I mean, I still remember going to the metal hands When the pegasus was upstairs the rest of my buddy was like a chef upstairs

We we had to wear a jacket to go up But I still remember going to metal hands in 93 My buddy was a degenerate horse guy and I would go with him Because we'd go to Harlem first buy a bag of coke then go to the track And we would go to the racetrack and in between races you go to the stairways at the metal hands Do you have you ever been there? Fuck no, it's like a fucking shooting gallery I mean people smoking reefer People smoking crack people doing lines drinking beers. There's even hookers out there. They even had we went to school with a girl

She's dead now God rest her soul She fucking she had the hip too and she died in the car shit, but we grew up with her and while in 93 She got really scared. She was hot growing up But the hip she already had the hip and she was smoking crack and but we would see her hooking At the track and we would all like be talking we go there's Kathy and we'd all fucking turn Backs and she would walk by because not you jump on you and leech on thee and ask you stupid questions Want to borrow 10 bucks and fuck out of your cat. I went out there to see I went out to the metal hands to see

Like michael spinks fight somebody Like hitman or hitman fight somebody on a when they used to fight on short circuit tv Go out to the track. I remember going out there and seeing the tremendous fist fight Under the tv like two guys. Oh, oh real fight. Oh, yeah, just blasting each other at the metal hands I also saw a tremendous fist fight at uh at uh otb on 178th street

At the at the public authority At the otb because I used to come out and I would take the fucking bus over from Fort lee and then come out and then go there and then I would always put like two miles on a horse So I would walk in there to kill time I saw them blasting each other in there one day To the generous fucking You know, it's one thing to bet on Baseball basketball football

But to bet on horses to me is even the most it's even way out there Like how the fuck do you know how that horse is feeling? How do you know? I I I don't understand that shit like when people put big money on horse betting That's crazy. It's a dirty business When I was growing up we realized that You had to bet on a horse That was getting shot with a I forget the name of the steroid

A horse if a horse bleeds from his nose He's good to go. He they have to give him a shot to stop the bleeding But at the metal hands in those days like seven out of the ten races Were won by those horses that would get no shots of that medication. I got you and they had a note at the bottom And then you know trainers, right other people know trainers You get calls from trainers people tell you I got a tip from this guy, right? So there's all these tips But this is the way I look at like right now my buddy owns a sports betting service

And I look at it this way. Do you want me to tell you something? Michael Jordan was betting on his own games and losing Art Sleetster Went down the drain. Pete Rose went down. Pete Rose was betting baseball And still losing. He didn't know what the fuck he was doing while he was coaching and he's Pete Rose Nobody could call it. You have no fucking clue. You have no clue That's why when somebody calls you and says they go nine for ten. Fuck out of here. It's it's impossible guys It might happen one time. Yeah, it might happen two

It might even happen three, but then you're gonna get hands and knees right up the fucking keyster They owe that kid that got hooked on betting. Yeah, I got hooked on betting. He was hanging out with us He was doing drugs like rolling fucking joints and doing kwayloons And one night he goes hey Puerto Rican kid, I love them with all my heart. He goes hey, what the fuck is it that you guys always talk about? I'm like, what are you talking about? I go, you guys always talking about gambling. How do you get into this shit? And I talk about lines like all of us who had a bar and we talked about lines and how you bet And he goes, hmm, maybe I'll put a bet in this weekend. So that's sunday

I was living with him. He was my roommate and he goes, let's call mr H and put a bet and We fucking call mr. H He put in a hundred time parlay Do you understand what does that mean? That means the two teams gotta win I think it pays Like a 10 team a two team a five time parlay is 70 to lose 30. Uh-huh 140 to lose 60 Uh-huh is it, you know, so they go up like that. Yeah, he bet a hundred dollar a hundred time parlay Jesus

So he was gonna win some dough That was his first bet ever Because i'm looking to make some money. I go then bet a parlay which the years later. I found out there's a suckers bet It's a suckers bet you have to take one team and bet all you got on it If you take let's say in college football If you bet the number one team the whole season you're gonna be eating too, right? You're gonna have six net winners, right? If you bet 200 you're gonna make 1200 and then you retire for the fucking year Sit the fuck down. That's how smart gambling is right. They want you to bet parlays. They love teasers

They love when you go, oh Eight-time teaser good luck Good luck when you give the other team 10 points Because there's teasers that you gotta pick three teams, but you could also delegate 10 points So if i'm giving you one now i'm getting nine You know i'm saying like they're so fucking weird all that shit. I don't like So he bet that's how they fuck you he bet the parlay The first game he had won outright

And the second game it was pittsburgh against seattle And pittsburgh was winning at the end of the first quarter 27. He bet Pittsburgh he bet seattle Pittsburgh was beating them 27 nothing at the end of the first quarter and we all passed out You know seattle came back and beat him 28 tonny 27 And he won That parlay my friend's dad called him and said you want to pick up the money you pick up pick it up tonight So that sunday we went down there

We picked up the money and he goes i want to go to a fanciest restaurant We could go to and we went to this place in fort lee call pick a leasing We're right on the hudson river where jackie gleason used to live in buildings By the word palisade amusement park got thrown out torn down And he fucking won i never forget this place had lobster fried diabolo and He fucking put his finger Who's that joe that was a comedy story here?

He ate the lobster and he ran out of water and he drank the finger ball He had never been in a fancy restaurant. You know what the fuck he's doing the finger ball And he drank everybody looked at him at the table, but that's how they hooked them You know, they give you a hook when you gamble they give you a hook first They let you win a couple times. It's not them. It's the universe. It always happens It's the universe and that's how you get hooked. That's how you get hooked You think you figure it out now you figure it out and once you got to figure it out That's when they get you fuck and it's a slow process

and then in 93 When i got divorced i ended up going to work for a sports betting service in boulder guys on a long island stew finer and all those guys The people that aj benza used to work for yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah So I went to work for their partner in boulder And that's where I learned even more about gambling and

Level of the degenerate. It's almost as bad as the junkie Like business guys business guys ceo of companies calling you for information And they've used so much money on their credit cards That now they're using their receptionist credit card so their wives don't find out It was crazy. It was what I learned then About gambling really shut me down to gambling Fuck that shit and that's why I don't like when we used to do A couple of years ago. We used to do picks and shit like that and we lost like six weeks in the run. I go

I don't want to do it and you know what else I don't like about it. I don't want to encourage people to do it Because it's a bad habit to get into you'll never get out of it. The only way to get out of it is by own By losing your house by losing. Fuck, you know all those vices They always get you at the end. I like the fucking little fucking fantasy bats this that You but I I like it if it's if it's responsible if it's fun I don't have that that gene to just keep going to keep going. I don't have that Meaning I didn't have I like my 200 dollars off. Fuck. I lost 200 dollars. I mean, that's my that's me Yeah, I didn't have for this year in fantasy football. I did win one league and I fucked them real nice

But that's again, there's a there's a there's an end to it Do you do anything else for adrenaline? because like I used I I used to gamble not big money, but a lot and even when you're up Like you should walk away and you just can't you're like, I'm up. I'm gonna keep going up Adrenaline real life. Oh, I mean is there anything else that you do that like because that that gave me such a rush that It was like it was hard. I gotta say stand-up gives you adrenaline. Yeah I I feel the adrenaline which would stand up

And which is a new a new thing, but I I I like it. I haven't gambled since I started doing stand-up at all No, I stopped. Yeah, no choice. He couldn't I was terrible He couldn't win in the city You fuck you could give him a winner, right? You could give him a winner and he'd fuck it up You picked the wrong. I never saw anything like it in my life You could give him a winner and he would pick something that you're like Why would you pick that? Like you don't know nothing about this person. He's a bad gambling really bad. Like I never saw anything like it

I like probably I would pick one one. That's faggy seven dollars eight dollars, right? He wastin my time. You're wasting that time, right? If you're gonna hit him hit him You're gonna you're wasting seven dollars seven. I wouldn't do seven dollars or something I only had seven left on the thing. You're fucking third grader dollars. You gotta hit him. You gotta hit him to that's real adrenaline That's real adrenaline. Fuck that when you want to throw your tv out the window. That's real adrenaline That's why you're gonna go go if you're gonna get involved with that shit go Like when I get involved I go Like because it's a gambling I can't watch a whole sporting event

Because of my experience the pts now you can't just to watch I'll watch You'll pick one off pick one out If I got to go to the comic store at 9 30 And there's an NBA game on I'll watch six minutes of it to watch their offense how they're playing defense. Once I see you fucking Shit basketball, it's over Like it's all I just switch it right once I see what I think I I'm old school Like Bob Cousy. I like setups. I like passes. I like one guy. That's outstanding

That's basketball. I don't like fucking jocomo joe shit jocomo joe Just four fucking guys running and gunning control The center is driving that no, that's why I should I hear you I get the NBA to me now when I watch the NBA I love the guy that you said west brook because he yells at people He's just so intense when he told that kid to He told the parents to fucking not touch him and then he yelled at another fan. I like all that shit. I like uh I can't watch the lake is I saw you on one of those tv shows Kill them saying if the lake is don't go to the playoffs. I think you're right. The lake has got duped

With lebron james. I think he suck at them. I think he came here just to produce tv shows That's it. I agree. He just duped them. But I mean, you know, you can't count. They're unwatchable. Oh, no, they're unwatchable Yeah, they're unwatchable. They need a fucking they're unwatchable. They need to refurbish the lake is irunwatchable even with lebron james Something is not right. No when you watch me like they're fucking clunky. Yeah, they got to start from scratch Lebron's got a lebron. You're gonna stay here. You're the anchor Everybody else is going on don't came up for free agency. He's 180 years old He got to go to to keep every the only one I like is kuzma Who's kuzma? Kyle kuzma. He's good. A white guy would it be it? No

He's he's half black half mexican. That's the guy. That's the guy that he's good. Yeah, he's good pretty boy Yeah, he could play and he got fucking balls, but they look clunky. Yeah, and he fucking did he He kidnapped them the whole season. Yeah, and they're horrible to watch horrible to watch I like the art of basketball. Yeah, I like the art of basketball I like that guy that's in the paint and also he pops it out that guy at the baseline. Yeah, the three footer That shows past the fucking ball the fucking ball move the ball make it easy. It's an easy game. I enjoy college basketball At this level like I told my wife the other night. We're watching friday. We got back from Dumbo and we were watching virginia from brooklyn. No dumbo fucking the movie

We're watching the virginia Tech against yeah, yeah when they blew the game against duke at the last they had a guy had him He had the fucking thing But before that there was a game me and my wife were like take that shit off the st. College basketball. This is Running gun shit. Yeah, nobody's nobody's paying attention This guy's just trying to fucking score points all that shit. Yeah, I can't watch I hear you But I love old school basketball, you know, I told lee that like I never really was a shack fan Not a shack fan at all

I come from the 80s when all those centers Would have beat the fuck out of shack. He would have given it to though. Listen to me, bro, listen He went up against akim elijah when he was 37 years old. Akim was already old He fucked shack He fucked shack up. He fucked shack up so much. They swept him in four fucking games Akim wasn't a complete different league and nobody ever saw that like people forgot about that like when I saw that Shack was done with me He was a beat-up old man

He was 30 Seven years old. He did some crazy shit the shack He embarrassed him to the fucking tea and then the next year they made him a laker And it was forgotten about well, I didn't forget about that I never forgot about that I know for a fact dave collins would have beat him to a pulp at six foot nine He would have fucking eaten him a lot. No, dave count. He would have shack would have eaten dave collins for fucking He would have been he would have been the prosciutto sandwich. We just talked to listen to me dave collins

Six nine shack would have had his fucking ball sack six nine on his head, but six nine white Irish and tough you got to shoot him with a bazooka to 210 pound shack was 300 pounds kareem with a Fucking school shacks Moses would have picked up shack. I love those six nine slammed him This is when guys and I know a lot of you people are sitting at home going joy You're out of your mind, but I want to see moses below moses. I love moses Moses led the league in scoring and was number two and rebound. Okay 20

rebounds a fucking game In 1980 fucking three two and one with the houston fucking go check the fucking stats See how many 20 fucking rebound seasons shack had listen no disrespect to the lake rape moses malone I'm with you. Oh shack would have had him. He'd have had him in his pocket like a little. Yes No, moses moses would have killed. Yes moses would have killed shack moses would have killed shack I love mode the lake great moses malone moses Wouldn't that moses would have killed shack

There's a couple there's Shack would he he would have fucked dave cowins. Yeah, we've eaten up bill warth because he was a half a fruit cake You know bill warth and fuck him shack would have dunked on him Shack would not have fucked with kareem kareem would have been a problem or offensive because kareem will give you 40 But kareem will give you 40 and kareem will also throw a beat now. Yes, and nobody remembers. Nobody remembers fucking uh october 78

Kent Benson opening season game Milwaukee bucks against the lake is he made the little mistake elbow and fucking no That was after he did the karate movie too, which I didn't understand Why would you elbow kareem and you saw him fight bruce lee? You already saw it We already saw it. This was after we already saw anybody who's ever heard anything about kareem I think kareem is not a nice person. No, he's a prick. He's a prick. I've always had good Relations with kareem. I've seen him over the years, but his reputation is that he's just not nice Not nice

very uh My uncle my uncle who taught him how to play congregate awkward guy too awkward awkward, but I think he would have killed shack I think willis reed would have fucked shack up Because willis reed wouldn't let him in the pain willis reed would have annoyed him and then dolla bill would have been over there Fucking with him a little bit and shit shack didn't have the To know he was a fucking beast. He's a beast, but it was a beast against nobody I don't agree. He was a beast against nobody who was the toughest guys that were covering him He it's not like shack just played. He's covered up. He had de kembay matumbo

The kembay matumbo was terrible. He was fucking terrible. They swept through Kenya, uh, kid de kembay matumbo They beat the fuck out of them your nets the new jersey fucking nets with jason kid He had fucking no and de kembay matumbo when he was on the sixers He almost broke his fucking arm dunking on him. He was horrible He was horrible de kembay matumbo. He had no centers to I grew up with west on cell I grew up with bob leneer. He would have fucked bob leneer and wilson celled We're fucking I still remember fucking benard king throwing the ball at bob leneer one day during the game

Just threw the ball at his chest or some shit and bob leneer looked at him with a size 26 sneakers He would have stuck his foot up his ass. He would have stuck his foot up his ass. I think so many centers That I grew up with with a kill shack just mentally Mentally, he was he was a brute. Check hadn't check had nobody covered him. Nobody I do fucking centers He had he fucked patrick ewing alonzo morning. Who did she killed owned all of him. What all of them when they were 80 No, patrick ewin. Fuck. He is first when he was 80. They're his first game at the garden when patrick when he came into the league How was no patrick was it good to go? I don't know the dates out on fact check No, they were old men. No, the only old man

He didn't beat up on was fucking that african from the houston rockets He he schooled him his rookie and it was embarrassing schooled Schooled him his rookie and it was embarrassing. He did some crazy shit to she still wakes up a little night David robinson he owned David robinson was a pain. He fucking had carmelone like it was his little babysitter Let me tell you something. They were like it was his babysitter with his navy bullshit and all that shit With his little navy and his muscles. Yeah, I couldn't deal with carmelone though. He owned carmelone and Carmelone's oh, have you ever seen carmelone in your life? Yeah, I saw carmelone. Fuck. Yeah, he's the size of your fucking door

I just saw carmelone at wildcard boxing. He was there hanging out Yo, carmelone has been out of the league now. Well almost 20 years. He's you don't want any problems with him still He's a fucking savage He had him like it was his like it was his like it was it was a pet like it was a gerbil You know, he reminds me of carmel of a shack Shack reminds me and I love this guy. I loved him. I got to meet him His game wasn't my type of game But I really liked him and he was a colorful guy. God rest his soul. Darrell Dawkins. Yes

Darrell Dawkins was a fucking I showed this guy And somebody else the other day when Darrell hit Doug Collins In the face in the 76 finals versus up Maurice Lucas. Yeah, then they were fucking and then they were squared off in the middle They like doing his shit, but I always was a bill waltz fan. He was good. I love bill waltz until game six Versus sixers when julius slammed on his face And he called offensive found like you're such a fucking pussy. He dunked it on his fucking whole family

He dunked every time they don't even They'll never even go to philly Bill waltz will never even go to philly that that because julius urban decided he goes, you know what we're gonna lose But I got something for your fucking I got something for your ass you and your white little hippie friends I got something for your fucking grateful dead acid dropping cock sucker And dog he took him one on one and walk. What was he thinking waltz like I'll be up with him. What? Dr. J came he caught him on that break. Oh That's a video. Oh, he had that shit like this and he dunked it like was a nerf who like I was tremendous

He had that fucking shit right here. You're fucking like it's like he went like you fuck And when he slammed it if you watched the footage after that Bill waltz runs to the ref and starts going offensive offensive That's not offensive. He dunked on your family your fucking whole family. You're all your kids even your kids got ptsd That's why luke can coach this year. Right every time when he sees a slim. Jesus had julius. Yeah Genetically, are they gonna get rid of luke? Yeah, lebron's he ruined he yeah, he's this is yeah, he's gonna. I didn't know Did I just work here? That's like you saying. Oh, yeah, I got rid of liab. I just got a new guy in here. There's billy

So are we gonna find a luke? Definitely Definitely They wanted to fire him earlier in the season. Like I said, I watched him he tried to he tried to take over the Lakers He tried to get anthony davis traded His best friend is anthony davis's Agent they had a whole fucking plan in store people think that I have some personal vendetta against lebron. Listen in real life They say oh, he's a great guy. I know he's a great guy. Yeah, this isn't about I'm talking about the the character Lebron James the chosen one the goats a king James. I'm not talking about the person. This is impromptu. I'm a fan

I don't understand what sports you everybody understood why you would hate derrick jeter You get it either you love him or you're on the opposite teams tom brady to this day Either you love the patriots or fuck botox brady Kobe Bryant Can't stand Kobe Bryant or you love Kobe Bryant for some reason with lebron james. You're a hater You're a hater this guy tried to take over the Lakers. He told anthony davis ask for a trade We'll get you out of the Lakers and then we're gonna make our run for the championship That didn't fucking happen asshole. They've been on luke waltons ass all fucking season. He wanted to get him fucking fired

It's been a disaster. Then he got his injury. He gets an injury. He sits out I think it was 19 games instead of just being injured like everybody else his his physical therapist puts out a tweet You guys have no idea what kind of pain pain pain. He suffered with what about russell What about paul george when he broke his fucking leg in half gordon hayward from the south They broke their legs in half their physical therapist didn't put out. What kind of suffering do you think that was? paul george leg didn't just break the fucking thing broke in half His physical therapist didn't put on he just he just trying to control every fucking narrative and he claimed he's the goat You're not the fucking goat get the fuck out of here. You're the goat the fuck out of here

Who's the goat michael fucking jordan's the goats period period come on man You can talk all this shit. Who's your second favorite? My favorite players are this michael jordan I mean i didn't even i hated michael jordan when he played i was a nix fan in the 90s You think i was sitting there celebrating when he was fucking us year after year after year after year after year after I hated that cock sucker now I loved him and i wasn't blind and i enjoyed it and i was there in north carolina when i was a fan of

i loved him i loved him i loved him i always loved him i loved until it became my problem At a certain point it became my problem i loved him when he first got in the league But when it became a problem where the nicks were not getting anywhere because of this cock sucker Then it would then it was started to come hate so i had a Period of time like everybody else like mike if i could believe in mike I mean running around the city to get those fucking sneakers like a crazy person. This was a different time so I can't even say michael jordan's one of my favorites. I say he's the greatest player But my favorite my favorite players of all time. I did my top five. I would go julia serving

magic johnson isaiah thomas moses malone Bernard king as far as my favorite players of that era We're in agreeance on three of those Yeah, it's moses julius And who else? Bernard king was one of my all-time favorites I mean, it was it was lightning in a bottle. I saw benard open up a can of whoop ass on michael At the garden his rookie. You couldn't start him. You couldn't stop my bernard king bernard king period for people

Everybody knows that for people to know who brother benard is Watch his old footage unstoppable unstoppable. You know, you could compare it to it was a different style of play but but In terms of like because kevin durant is is like an old school score kevin durant is like a guy who you're gonna get 30 a night bernard You're gonna get 30 you might get 50 you might get 60 and and and you might not even like bernard. There's no dunks There's like kevin durant. There's no dunks. There's no Highlights like you might get something every now and then but but like bernard his 60 point games. There's no

Oh, shit. Did you see that play? It's just that's 60 points. You're not stopping bernard king kevin durant You're not stopping him. He's like like george girfin. He got 50 Make it look easy. There's no You know fucking dunk it on your fucking family. No crazy crossover Is this just basket after basket after basket and bernard during his run with the nicks Even when he was with the golden state warriors when he wasn't fucking whacked out of his tree on coke But that run with the nicks Yo, that was a tremendous 60 50 43

37 60 on the celtics Yo, and he didn't shit with broken fingers broken fingers and shit. He was he was uh They shipped him out He was the comeback player of the year because he was whacked out on the book of sugar And then he came to jersey he lived in north bergen And they caught him in north bergen one night with him passed out with the coke on the t-shirt Oh, no, and then we used to we heard a rumor when we were in the seventh and eighth grade Me and my friends heard a rumor that bernard king would practice

at midnight at Hudson county park. Are you serious? Did you see him listen to me so me Chucky mcgreen who's the coach of ramapo today? his brother Whitey o'Donnell and this kid brian smith We were all basketball whores. We went up there and waited in the weeds We waited the bushes

for brother benard Midnight no lights only basque only the moonlight. Are you fucking kidding me? No eighth grade King comes up get the fuck out of here when he was with the nets He was at the necks or the nets one of those he starts shooting he starts playing We come out of the weeds like we fucking Like we're fucking homeless And he goes, what are you guys doing up here? No, we came to shoot with you

And then at first he was apprehensive and we played three on three with bernard king one in the morning One third in the fucking morning playing fucking three on three basketball with brother bernard king. That's dope. brian smith was covering him The brian smith ended up going to iowa for football and dropped out now. He's a stagehand Good morning americans been there since jesus left chicago brian smith was covering him bernard king went to spin brian went to steal the ball he broke brian smith's nose brian why are you trying to steal the ball from bernard king? brian smith was a crazy Irish man

We drove brian to the hospital with us. Are you serious? And then we went to the diner run by the hospital. There's a little diner next to north Hudson valley hospital And we went to the diner ate breakfast. He gave us autographs And we all walked home. That's a dope story like nothing ever happened I bet you he would remember that like nothing ever happened. That's cool. I just remember going to when julius first went to the Sixers he used to do Things on saturdays. He would do seminars He had to buy a box of sneakers and the tickets would be in the sneakers

So I had the owner duke Upon 49th and bergen wanted the owner of that converse as a cuban dude. I told him i'll give you 40 bucks for the tickets So he went through all the sneakers and found two tickets So he did one seminar at ccn y and the other one afford them Converse sponsored them converse gave you a white t-shirt with red lettering that said converse They they raffled off the limousines for the feet I'll never forget us waiting online and julius pulling up on a two-door missatis bends And walking out with a basketball on his son

And he was palming the basketball and I saw his hands for the first time and nearly fucking died And then he would do like an hour seminar where he would break down his His uh little stutter step And then he would make you clap And he would fucking run to the other side and jump from the far line and slam dunk and we would go fucking crazy We would listen at that time if julius took his dick out I'd be the first one sucking it when I was in the eighth grade. I'd be the first one He was everything nobody understands super hero what we saw when he was a net

When he was a net with super john williamson and big burger bob. What was the fat guy that they called cheeseburger? Oh my god, don't do this to me Not super john. Um, super john was tremendous larry keenan was in there for a while But the cheeseburger. Yeah, what the fuck was his name? Um Everybody had the red white and blue basketball Julius was everything julius was everything. There was eight categories. He led seven of them or something Then he became a sixer and when the first it was funny because people were talking shit

Uh, the other day we were talking about people that were beetle fans before john lennon died Especially if they were white nothing was good enough for them. I want to see lennon's skin at the end They're all right. Wait till the beetles get back to john williams. Uh, no super john Uh, you know wait. Oh, we went to see led zapper. Yeah, whatever wait till the beetles get back then john lennon got shot You never heard from those people no more. It was the same fucking thing. I mean doc was the fucking best doc They just had something bottom in there. They showed people at rucker watching him at the rucker league, you know And I was blown away people were hanging on the fucking roofs. They showed all this shit He went to school up in boston somewhere. Yeah

massachusetts massachusetts Julia serving was everything. I loved I tell you also. I love billy ray Michael ray richison He was on that book of sugar hard. Well sugar ray last time I saw my son at the mall He had just written checks at a car wash and he got caught for writing checks. This is july of 85 That's the last time I saw apparently he's doing good now. He's in denver. Is he because I think he's from denver I'll tell you who else was one of my all-time favorite players He played for the seattle supersonics gus downtown freddy brown. He was good to guss the wizard and his brother

Yeah, ray ray passed out of the bronx or whatever from i've taken from yonkers And guss was his brother up there with that little finger Yeah, the shit up in seattle used to tie his sneakers with the lace behind I remember I used to see that shit fucking For uh, that guy i'm talking about was built like july He was built like he was like five five basketball. He was like five foot nine little on the chubby side He would sit at the end of the bench with a brown bag Drinking a beer and shit. Yeah, what was his name?

What is it downtown freddy brown? That's the only one I could find is john williams and he was nicknamed the hot plate No, no that's on him. Okay The hot plate that's center in 1975 the net center. He had a brother He had also had a brother that played basketball That's 75 Okay, 74 to 75 or 75 to 76 74 to 75. All right. Who was the net center then? Let's find out um

Billy paltz No, he was a fat fuck too Willie sojourner willy sojourner. No, there's only two centers. I see Let me try the other season Ah, who gives a fuck don't worry about Mike rapper port. I gotta tell you something man. You've uh Impressed the shit out of me Appreciate that joe the last couple of fucking years you really have

Impressed the shit out of me. You've taken this game By the pulse not fucking around with these people joey. You said nothing's gonna stop me I'm doing a podcast. I yell at people I'm on I always see on that one sports show. Yeah, I'm like the white guy in the undisputed I love when you y'all I love those fucking guys. I love them And now I see you're on stand-up, you know something that you went to do 20 or 30 years ago and Gave it a shot and then the acting bug caught you And you like it. I love it

I love the unpredictability of it I and I also love the the you know, it's it's it's a uh You know, it's a fucking It's like a uh a jigsaw puzzle and and and I love the The exchange the immediate exchange from from the from the crowd good better and different And I just love the expression like it's like it's your shit. There's no there's no there's no take two There's no Oh, we'll do it again like it's it's it's an immediate fucking

Thing and then you know the craft of it and and and just you know like Just just the whole the whole the whole Feeling of doing something so that's so immediate. I love it I love it and like we talked about the adrenaline of it. Like there's nothing like that, you know and uh And the challenge of it like, you know, just the the challenging the challenge of it is is is uh Uh I like it. I like you still act on it. Yeah, I'm starting this show. Uh The third season of this uh, netflix show we we actually start today. Well, we start shooting

I start shooting tomorrow. They started shooting this show called atypical So i'm doing that for the next three months And i'm gonna continue doing the stand-up all just in town locally Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want to spread your wings and go on a road spread my wings But I don't want to overextend myself like I I still gotta like you know still still work and shit and still You know fire my shit, but you know, I'm I'm I'm going out there. I'm gonna do uh I'm gonna do I say you're doing a festival. I'm doing some Fest I'm doing a couple things like in jamaica. No jamaica. No fucking jamaica. There's something that you're doing

I thought you're doing your podcast there. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no I was fucking around with that the fire festival too, but I'm doing it. I'm going to uh, um uh, fuck belview washington Uh the standard parlor live and belview washington. You've been there. No, I got a warrant in Seattle. I can't go back Are you serious 25 fucking years? You're fucking funny. Can't go back. No, so you've never been to the parlor live I'm going there. I'm not an extra. April 26 or 27. Not an extra dineable fucking That's fucking funny. They were I can't go in but they won't come get that's fucking funny So I tried to get the thing paid for and that the case is so old they can't find it

So you can't do parlor live. No, I can't do shit I can't even leave the country because of those I had one warrant there and one in Idaho But they're both non-extradition. I can you perform in Idaho? Yeah, now I can I think they took care of the one but not in not in belview washington No, I can't step foot in the washington. I could do portland and give washington the finger from across the that's fucking funny Yeah, what are you gonna do? These are the fucking shit You reap what you sow, right? You know, so now I can't go to Seattle. I can't go to cuba. That's fucking funny What I love it. I'm enjoying doing it. I'm enjoying doing it

I mean you look good up there and watch you two weeks ago and you were happy up there. You were having a good time I'm like look at him God bless him that you know what man a lot of guys in this town complain Everybody in this town complains nobody fucking what does he tell them? It was just on yesterday the movie with the black kid jamie fox and And uh, the Scientologist Conclusion. Oh, yeah

Whatever that movie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good movie tells him darwin You know, uh, whatever how to how to readjust you You know if this is not taking you down the wrong road and if this is not going the way you want it You have to evaluate your life every 90 days, especially here You know, you expect you're gonna get 22 auditions and also you get 11 And also for me like You know, I like I don't use this word artist a lot Like I don't I don't like to throw that word around but I guess, you know, I could consider myself like I always like

I'm just an actor who does it like but the the the artistry of stand-up and the the exhilaration of stand-up and the the the mathematical scheme of stand-up and You know this You know Taking a joke taking it, you know, how far can you take it pulling it back like all those things that great comics do Figuring that and learning it and and and trying to uh, uh, uh, you know, uh get some sort of um,

You know fundamentals of it. I love it. I love it and and and that artistic expression of You know that unfiltered thing, you know, like, you know, it's it's like Man you with the coffin You know as much as I love acting and I'm always gonna love it You only get that sort of that same feeling in between action and cut and I it's it's it's exhilarating It's sexual when you're between action and cut when I'm acting But when you you you're doing it on stage and you know 20 minutes 40 minutes, whatever you're doing It's like that same thing, but it's like an extended it's like extended fucking

Because you get it when you're acting but you know takes it, you know and you do it But but when you're doing it 45 minutes like there's there's an exhilaration and I and I haven't done it enough I hopefully I'll hopefully I'll never It'll never go away, but like during that time when you're on stage where there's 10 minutes 5 minutes 20 minutes like there's a Uh, um an excitement you get right? I mean do you still have that? So I think when when you don't have the excitement, that's time to that's when it's time to quit. Yeah So I love that. I always talk about that how I like that feeling walking up to the stage. I don't like it. You don't like it

But once I touch the stage and touch the microphone The the transformation Of those internal feelings what happens when you speak into the mic And all those feelings go away. I get a lot of anxiety Still on stage. Yeah And that's how I know I love something. Uh, I'm serious about uh If I don't care about something What do you care about right go up then talk and take that money and go home right when you're really concerned about them

I want them to have a good time. I want to fuck up. I want to be funny. I want to be able to hit my marks I want to relax right right. I want to you The the science is to be up there throwing heat But at the same time you're so relaxed Yeah, like I just did buffalo a couple weeks ago the casino and I was so relaxed while I was on stage I was hitting all the notes everything I had looked at before I went on stage. I was hitting them all proper I tried new jokes and worked because the energy the excitement you learn

Stand up is a fucking long journey like anything else and I compare it to something like law Like I like watching attorneys. Oh, am I a fan of music? But I love trials. I love watching attorneys paying a picture for you They're doing a certain form of standard. Yeah, yeah, yeah form of standard So once you find out what your style is, you know, now you could really attack it. Yeah, it's finding out Yeah, it's finding out and then after you find out then you have to let your mind and body develop its own style Like your first three or four years you're you're imitating

Six or seven comics. Mm-hmm not imitating not stealing. No, I know what you mean. You're imitating And the more you do it the more you come out, right when you squeeze that piece of shit out, right and the head pops out Right, yeah, you've been eating bread. You haven't been eating fucking the oak brand Right, and it's just you squeeze it. You're pushing you're squeezing So that's I still I still enjoy the fear. I got you. I love it the fear You know, I tell people before you rob somebody before you do something really bad you go deaf I used to always go to death. I would hear it. That's why I love the godfather before he shoots a lot So because they take the sound of the train

And mix it in with your ears with that If you're doing something so off kilter Your ears are going to be ringing. Mm-hmm. It's so off kilter. You're adrenaline is pumping so hard Your heart is pumping so high you start going numb like when you're going to rob somebody or anything it could be The other day something described Tyson walking into the ring You know that walk that last thing you should be going through all these emotions in your system When those emotions aren't there it's time to go play tennis. I agree Where you gonna be in the next month? I'm gonna be in Bellevue April 26 27 26 27 the Bellevue

I got to tell all the people that joey can't come up here. They know at parlor live. They know and then Those and I got a few other ones, but that's immediate. I can't remember. I don't want to look on my phone Where can they find you they can find me anywhere? You look on social media at Michael Rappaport and I got the I am Rappaport stereo podcast Which uh, I love doing and joey's been a guest twice And uh, I love doing that too and I love doing the the church of what's happening right the fuck now And you squash your beef with paulie. Sure

How long was that beef for I was it was it was quick it was a short lived beef. Oh, it's just a little beef I thought it was a beef movie you guys did 20 years ago Paulie's Paulie's Paulie's a good. He's a good dude. Paulie's a good. He's a fucking pisser. Listen, man You always got an open door here. I appreciate that. He came up today. I appreciate that the show It's always a pleasure to see you. Thank you one of your biggest Fucking supporters. Thank you. Joe. Watch your videos and the shit you yelling at me That's why we had to talk about snowlet one last thing You think Chicago really prosecuted

They're gonna get him on he's getting something on something. I don't know if it's federal Fucking fbi He's the fbi involvement. Yeah, because the mail stuff. I guess like the the forging mail like That's right, and it made too big of a stink of this whole fucking thing. It's it's it's it's too big of a situation I mean trump's talking about it. Chris rocks talking about it. We're talking about it Everybody other area the fucking podcast is talking about every news. I don't feel bad. Listen like I just told you, you know what? The sun the even an old dog gets a warm spot on the sidewalk once in a while Something happened. He got a good attempt. Look at what's going on with heith wine stay. You haven't heard nothing

He's playing him like a fiddle. He's playing him like an old school jew He's giving him money to keep the trial keep keep pushing it back He's deciding on his legal counts. That's an old school trick. Yeah Well, I don't know how I feel about her. I'm not saying fucking give him 20. He's gotta get I just want he's doing six months. You're doing something you doing. He's doing he's gonna do Apologize what the fuck you did. It's just irresponsible. He didn't kill anybody. He didn't hurt him, but it's just irresponsible. Again. He's a guy that Wove some of these dreams. Listen I'm gonna be in a stand-up and go in a vantachubic acting class

And there were girls that when I booked something would say if you got me a meeting with your agent I'll do anything for you. So yeah, can you imagine having a movie? He got it's just it's a It's just a hollywood discuss thing. Oh harvey was it's a hollywood discuss story. Yeah, and Rape is very hard to prove Rape is very hard to prove especially if it's years ago if he's very smart He'll get investigators to break balls because the last thing Your girl from wants is for me to call her old boyfriend Because that's what's gonna happen. See now when they get this team

They're gonna start a rap not harassing. It's an investigator. Hi, we want to talk to you about Michael rapper But I'm good friends with Michael. I've known them for six years. We worked together on copland Did he ever what happens when that investigator leaves? You're gonna call me and go listen They just got over here. What? What are you talking about investigator? And all of a sudden you're gonna start getting more called and all of a sudden that's what drives these women crazy To relive that And they have to go back into a trial and relive that moment again and again and that's why he has to hire two women

Right to go at them to call them cunts to call them liars to say, you know, we checked your period What about the for the guy you fucked the night before? Did you have sex the night before with some little chinese guy in the village? You did ecstasy with him. Well, what does that have to do with harvey? Oh, you did ecstasy Maybe you didn't know your frame of mind at the time the attorney's job is to put a doubt over What would happen a doubt just a doubt just to make you think a doubt I see harvey playing the fucking system. Oh, yeah. Okay. I see harvey playing this

Cosby wasn't smart enough to play the system He was just an ignorant dumb fuck. He was too stupid that fucking guy's in jail. He's in jail. Isn't that crazy? He's in jail He didn't play the system and I played the system because all he had to do was take a lumps up a cash app And put on the table say play these bitches Get all these bitches lie detector tests Keep fucking going adam. He just wanted to be mr. Fucking mr. Mr. America He thought he was gonna be cool and smile and crack a joke. It wasn't about that. You got three women there And like I said in the beginning, how many fucking witnesses are really

All this shit. I piece everything together for me to live in this fucking city anymore in this disgust I have to put all these things together from harvey to jesse This is what happens when you hear When you want something that bad that you put a noose around your neck and make up a story like that And you want some bad that you already got me we fuck around I tell a lie about this We exaggerate this story. We exaggerate that story But for me to put a noose around me Go to the hospital tell him I got beat up by two guys. I want you to think about that. You're nuts. What drives that

It's a thing called hollywood. I mean they passed my lemon roll around until I fucked to the death, didn't they? I mean everybody all marlin marlin. I fucked to the death fucked to the death Then wouldn't that one when she got the syph in the hiff and she had a little creature crawling on that pussy They didn't want it anymore. They killed the bitch. But do you think when we leave in the parking lot? Now we're not recording now, right? Maybe you and lee could smack me around because I got something I'm trying to do like to like just but make it like make it where it's like bruises can show We're not recording anymore, right? I can't do it because I'm friends with you and they have to do your motion No, no, it's fine. It's fine. I have a friend. I'll fly out here

Who told you to a plate glass window? All right, but we're not recording now. Because I yeah, we're recording always record Okay. Oh, shit. We are recording. I didn't want to get that on tape. Don't worry about nothing. All right. I love you I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys. Don't forget Pittsburgh is sold out. The only thing I got left in the month of april is 4 20 We had a second show up through the pap's theater. My made dates have been rescheduled I will hit you with the new dates by the end of the week. I'm very sorry San Antonio Dallas Detroit and Omaha have to be rescheduled for september or november because I got a movie

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Look now I can't promise commitment But I swear we'll have fun if you ask i'll be honest, bro You're not the only one just a man on a mission with my hand on my gun couple niggas to hate But wait more people show love niggas trying to or they dying for it turn around and hate on me Like it's a crime to evolve too afraid to be different too ashamed to just listen see I wait to 100 So now they hate on my niggas tried to hate on my privy tried to hate on my business not to call you a bitch They gon hate on my business. So if you fucking with nip, let you know my intentions got to think like a rider You got to know your position. So if it's cool

Then we can hop them. I'm gonna say he's cool Pop the cork off the superior wall Crank the music blowing circles out the road and just enjoy the fuel she said If you are mine I said if you are mine Girl, I'll choose you I'll wait for you I'll breathe your hand

Me and something with you girl ma matter of fact Hey, I'm not trippin back and forth with your niggas scared to lose what you got as you looking for something different Me fly trippin international trippin. I've got my numbers up and now they pay for my statistics Yeah, young niggas started off with a vision built the shit up from nothing to the critics I ain't listen now transition. So check out how I'm living We be 12 pushers and they transmissions and slipping niggas get your bitch because I be bitch getting Treat her like she's gonna be treated but I ain't tricking beat it like she wanna shit beat it But I don't kiss it just blaming on that shit that we smoking plus we sipping

Double cuts she trying to double up because I just hit it once but she caught a double none Next since she used to double dutch to quick to fall in love. What the fuck? She said If you are mine If you are mine Girl, I'll choose you I'll wait for you I'll breathe your hand Look now if I was yours and you was mine

Would you do me like you do him and have someone on the side? So keep your head while I stay on my ground. Sit me up and we gon' spend some time Look if I was yours and you was mine. Would you do me like you do him and have someone on the side? So keep your head and I stay on my ground. Sit me up and we gon' spend some time Right All money in no money out If you are mine I'll wait for you

I'll breathe your hand