Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #676 - Frank Caliendo

Episode Date: April 18, 2019

Frank Caliendo, stand up comedian seen on Mad TV and ESPN, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush. Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

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You cannot go wrong with on it. Oh Frank Kaliendo's in this motherfucker. It's the 18th of April. Take this motherfucker mule Lee. Oh Shit, it's a beautiful thing to be alive We got Frank Kaliendo we got the Christ killer And your uncle Joey dear is your bad motherfuckers. Let's do this Oh shit, Frank Kaliendo How the hell have you been miss uh, old old I

And you're older than me. I think 56 56 and you just made me feel 90. Thank you for that. You look beautiful I'm a handsome man. How you feel I'm trying listen I want I'm doing alright. It's funny because I watch a bunch of the show I knew about your show. We've known each other for a while, but more in passing a little bit Once in a while just coming across each other But I wanted to get make get the tone right for the show I didn't want to come on and be jokie and you're not jokie your conversational We just talk real honest happens and it's true and I that's where I'm trying to go in in life and you know

entertainment as well because that but it is funny because Even looking at you and watching you there's a duality and there's something that I see in people that's Maybe other people see it too. I don't want to sound like I've got superpowers or something but two things happen when you look at you, okay, and I'm gonna shock my audience a little bit because this is this is the real me. I do swear a little bit I don't swear a ton, but it throws people off. So But I watch the show and there's a lot of swearing. I mean, and you guys just look at it as like normal Sentimental radio. It's right radio, right, but I'm very I've been very cautious my entire right especially entertainment career because my kids

And I'll get back on the subject or something about my kids I just wanted to set a good example for my kids. I was doing that even as a five I shouldn't say like a 15 18 year old I never drank and part of it I think is because I've never done any drugs never done anything and it was a lot of control But I also want to tell my kids. Hey, I never did any of this stuff and now especially that's the easy stuff and we had a lot of Addiction addiction issues in my family and I'm totally I've incredibly addictive personality So I wanted to learn to do like one or two impressions and that's all people know me for at this point. So there's that but

My kids I didn't swear anything and I am I specials and stuff and now my kids talk like that. They're sailors They're like my son looks like he's in the middle of the soprano. He's 14. Oh, yeah Oh What do you think he's doing right now in your bedroom Watching porno's on YouTube. I you know, I don't want to think about that I can't think about that. I know it's really 14. He's 14 and then I was dry humping little New Yorker Reza right now the earth winning fire. Come on. Let me just believe he's playing Xbox Playing Xbox

But yeah, he's just at you know, it's it's like unbelievable. Yeah, yes Yeah, like I don't like it. It totally this is what happened to me I like I spent all this time being clean and safe and you're this guy. What was I doing? So to bring it back a little bit where I started and you're gonna have to corral me in a bunch because this is just what Have any you have two things going on? One of them is I look at you and I'm scared shitless Because you have that look but at the same time I look at you and I want to laugh and I don't know It's those two things that make you great when I watch because if you smile and all of a sudden it changes you go from

Joey, you know from Joey the uncle Joey Joey, it's it's so what's your feet up? But I feel like I got to watch around the room Right Yeah, I'm going from trust to mistrust how many children do you have to my my daughter's 12. How's her mouth? She's getting there. She's no. Oh, yeah, cuz my wife My wife liked my wife will teach them the words and the yeah because she's like I want them to use them properly She's Italian 100% Italian

So she's she's pretty much Carmela Soprano and she screwed up with me, you know, I mean she married the wrong guy But she's she grew up in Italian household And it's the real deal yelling screamer. Yeah, her dad federal agent kind of thing. Oh, yeah big like the real deal No, where are you from originally? I I'm from Chicago. Okay, but I grew up in Milwaukee So she calls my family completely watered down at least the me part of it 100% for the Italian I was telling Mike Rappaport that I went up to Milwaukee in 98 to do I was I listen to that Yeah, and the neighborhood right there when you walk out of the comedy club

You walk down to the corner and you just hit the Italian neighborhood in that bar where the waitresses and waiters were They had the owner had just got a jail cuz Donnie Brasco put him in jail, right because that neighborhood was very the ballasteries So the mob is up there, I mean there's Italian people up there what happened to you was the Sun didn't hit you right There's no Sun up there If you would have been raised in Jersey or somewhere with Sun like I was on and now the Italian should start coming out of you There's you people aren't isn't it like a fucking boot, right? It's there's an island Sicily. Yeah, we're looking at you for I'm the whitest person in the room, but uh No, I

Thought you were always from like Philadelphia now she's your Cabana Chicago Elwood Park, Illinois right outside of Chicago Born in Cook County, and I grew up in Waukesha Right what 13 miles west of Milwaukee suburban and normal What'd your dad do? He worked for the caloric corporation, which was ranges You know stoves and microwaves and stuff like that then they merged with the man He lost his job when I was a junior in high school And he went back to counseling and teaching when he was younger He's a minor league baseball player, so we played sports all grown up, but when he lost his

When he lost his job That was one of those moments and I've heard even heard this like in the Jim Carrey story Where he talks about we you never nothing's ever you had the safest job in the world And then it was just gone and he had to go find something else do why not take your chances and do whatever you want in life Because you only have that you know you those chances do it while you're young So I started I tried in comedy after when I got into college. I was in college I was before you go to college University, Wisconsin, Milwaukee. Look at you. So you stayed at home. Yeah. Yeah I was listen man

It's like a lot of my life is just settling which is a problem like I said I get happy I get comfortable and then I don't work to get to the next thing and that's That's followed by another Period in my life where I'll just commit to my whatever the craft is at the time or what I'm working on right now It's trying to develop just develop not do to develop but try to develop outside of just doing Impressions and having people care because when I get up on the stage the first thing people are looking for is for me to Start doing any impression at all when they hear my voice

They're like, okay, this is great, but it's like carrot top having his luggage Get get lost by the airline or Jeff Dunham going out without the puppets people are like, okay, so you have to kind of Get them into you first before you get into your you know mains like what they know you for Otherwise, they're not even gonna listen to it when I first started doing stand-up I let's say I'd get up there and just start doing my Tony Danza impression like John I would start doing that without but me ever talking and nobody would listen to me in the show They would just wait for the next impression So I started to learn there has to be a little bit of me up top

I heard I heard you talking on one show about how you would go and talk about the city a little bit and you know Get people involved that way to me It was to talk about a little bit about myself So they'd see me and then I lost that for a while because the money was coming in all from the impressions so I just went to that and and Went for the easiest way possible path of least resistance and Would just go up do impressions right away and now I'm working backwards again to try and find people Give people the opportunity to see a little bit of me hear a little bit of me and then pepper it with more of the impressions

There's almost like ex exclamation points like I talked about this with different people Because like Charles Charles Barkley is always in the news, right? He's always doing he's got boots somewhere I didn't I did not I didn't see this concert. Did he really? Yeah, he got booted some of these kinds and that right there It's easy like don't boom me knucklehead. You know, it's easy because you can turn something in last last year Western conference Semi-finals that think it was Dreymont Green on the Golden State Warriors one of those guys if you love the team He's your guy. He's your Dennis Rodman if you hate him. He's your Dennis Rodman, right? I can't stand this guy He's a cheater

But Charles Barkley his reaction to him was in honesty and truth He goes on TV and I talked about this in my act He's like I want to punch Dreymont Green in the face and that's like I'd never heard an announcer do something like that That sounds like an Italian announcer, right? I don't push his grain to face That was great. So he says that but then he apologizes later, you know, and I believe they made him apologize So this is gonna become something big if you don't but he found a way to apologize because he's always truthful and honest he found a way to apologize that He could stay true to himself and he basically went on TV and said I apologize for recognizing that Dreymont Green has such a punchable face

Which is not an apology But it's brilliant because it sounds kind of like an apology and it gets you out of it but he stayed true to him and Made his it's basically a cheat code in a video game, right? He other people lose their jobs He just got 20 extra lives, but he set himself up Barkley set himself up years ago as As You know as an entity when he was playing basketball, he went out and said I am not a role model Then he constantly went out there and proved it and now he has a persona. He gets to be that guy

And now you're set because you have your point of view and people let's Charles be in Charles Or that's he's gonna be honest and it works and a lot of what I've set up in my Stage presence over the years is I'm gonna put on a show for you and guys like you go up there And some of the people that I look to now and go how do they do that? You go out there and find a way to have yourself go straight to the audience and That's a key thing because you can always be you you might ramp something up to be More for television or a movie or something like that to Yeah, but you might do it, but it's still you when you come here the first and they say to you is write

Jokes based on your sitcom, right? So you could paint a picture for the agents and the casting people and the producers and the writers I Saw 20 comics that destroyed the career by doing that in 98 To 2001 2002 they were giving away those half million dollar deals, right? So people went from going up there and saying I want to run over a black guy in a car today To going up there and talking about for starters my little girl. I picked her up at school And I saw it And I saw it. I saw the transformation of a lot of comics in other words selling out, right selling out and then When they didn't get nowhere with it, they couldn't make a comeback

Yeah, they couldn't come back. I started as a one-liner guy. Really? Yeah I can't even imagine I'm around the danger field guy. Really. It's not gonna be a bit. I'm not a writer I'm not intelligent like you guys. It's not gonna be nothing and Then I heard a dear friend of mine Did a showtime show and before he came on the show? I had to go to the bathroom and take a shit and I'm in the bathroom taking a shit listening to them on showtime Do a one-liners, right and I go that's why nobody hires me, right? This is why I'm not this and this I gotta go up there and start telling stories

And if you can come from truth, that's it They want the truth because people I don't know how they smell it. Yes, they smell weakness They smell a lie. You have to commit to it. It's like that. It's like an R rated joke When you're into comedy three years like when I was doing comedy six years I came up with this joke and I could not sell the joke even though it made me laugh high and unhigh I Would giggle on stage when they said it nobody else would laugh I brought the junk back 13 years later It destroyed because I wasn't ready for that joke at that time. I wasn't presenting it, right? It's a dish with it's like what you're saying when you're impersonations

Sometimes you would just go up there with a dish with a steak on it, right? It's a great steak. It's a great steak I love it. What if you put a little mashed potatoes on the side three flowers for orange slices? Raspberry it's a presentation. Yes It's a present if they know who you are and where you're coming from They're coming. They're coming They're coming. I don't know what just fell, but it scared me. No, it was a drumstick. I put up there They just fell down. I'm trying to clean the place This is cleaning up. Yeah

Thank you. Thank you. There's no drugs on the table, right? It's safe. We're how to wipe it down because I was scared that you went for a piss test next week Come back positive ketamine and heroin in your system just from touching it. I don't want the only looks like the wolf has been here No, yeah, we clean everything here We do everything we try to put it together It was funny I was listening to wrap up the rut with the rap report show too is funny because he was talking about taking a dump before I came in Yeah, your bathroom's not connected. It's the perfect place to take it. Yes all by itself

Like that he should have done that was like a dump in there like somebody else took a dump in there You guys are taking shits on the street At the University of Milwaukee, were you thinking about comedy then? What were you thinking? What'd you look would you broadcast journalism? Okay? So you were three. Yeah, I wanted to be a sports center anchor. Okay. You're a big sports guy I'm not I people think I now again look at how the green bay packer thing Ah, yeah, it's a state law basically you can't not although my family's already you can't open up a club in Green Bay The funny bone used to be that and it died a thousand fucking Appleton has a small listen the first time I went to Green Bay and

as a comedian an adult really because I'd never gone up there and Sundays everybody even the McDonald's workers were wearing Brett Farve jerseys It was I've never seen like you got to wear a McDonald's uniform, but not there It's I've never seen anything like it, but the whole city shuts down. It's not a city It's a town, but the whole town whatever you want to call the Green Bay area I don't know if it's still like that, but this is probably mid-90s to 2000 Nothing a packer game was going on screw it. You're gonna Denver on a Sunday When I lived in Denver those Sundays, you could rob a bank. Yeah, you might have that's probably I'll never forget when I was in

The more second. I think you did have an issue there. I had a couple issues that You don't even go to Colorado anymore. I go to Denver. I just gonna go to Seattle Okay, Seattle and parts of Oregon Seattle and parts I don't know When I lived in Denver, I Still remember when they played against the Cleveland Browns drive, right? I was at the mall during the drive And I'll never forget seeing everybody in the hallways watching TVs radio shack and stuff and going if I was gonna rob this place This is the time would do it nobody would care the funny thing is I would say something like that

It's a joke. You say something like that. You're casing the place. Oh, I've been I case Let me explain some people Don't the best thing in my future that happens is that they tore that mall down When I tell you I sank that mall financially. I I'm not lying I'm I want to know what you read credit cards in the summer of 85 and Through the cards away and would still go back and there I remember walking in that mall one day and they had a CD player radio shack without a box like a

Display unit and the guys are all the way in the back talking and I go, you know what I could use The CD player in my house. I'll never forget unplugging it And just rapid walking out of the fucking mall like still walking 30 yards to the door and then going to my car I destroyed that mall The first time then I got off a job at footlock You got a job at the mall after I ruined it with credit cards and the cops came they go You look you fit the description some me in the ice cream court said you used a credit card there I'm like, you're gonna have to prove it. There was no cameras back

So they kept coming back. So you're wearing the the referee jersey locker like an asshole that I was they I apply for the job in June They called me in August Okay, okay The cops came they're like we want to rush they talked to me like three times and they wanted me to cop to it I wouldn't cop to it. So in two months you destroyed the mall. That's it months. I destroyed that fucking one Then I went back for more Then I went back I went to ask them back to Boulder and then I was going taking Classes at the University of Colorado and they would buy anything up on them

It's called the you the you this the you district is in Seattle This was called I forget with the Boulder Hill or what the hell The hill is three blocks gyms Mexican restaurants. Everything is catered to kids pizza place movie theater 18 and over bar that type of shit, but they would buy anything Because college kids got a broke. All right, so you could bring anything. So I had to scam at sea is Door was right by the music department was right by the door I would park right there and just walk in and every day I would take the Bruce Springsteen four package collection It was like the hit of this. It was 99 bucks

Like 89 bucks for a Bruce Springsteen box He's on the cover with a guitar in his hand How do I remember because Bruce Springsteen put a lot of money in my pocket? Displays a Bruce Springsteen five at a time and I would pick them up and walk out there And I would go right to the hill get my $200 and then I'd go eat like a fucking sandwich or something It was destruction, but then I was out on bail on the kidnapping case I was running out of money and I go, you know what I'm gonna go back up to the CD store So I started robbing them every other day

For about a week or two. Not many people could have saved that sentence. I started robbing Oh, yeah, we're gonna see the story of the dad. I didn't want to be a fucking pig I had to go like every other every two or three days one day one student center I was tormenting them because they would buy books second hand and I would just pick up a stack of books I wouldn't even walk in the front though I just bring them up and I go my mother got me these but I already got them she just wasn't thinking and they go Do you want cash or a check? You know what? I think I don't need the cash, but I'll take it and they would give me back the money for the books plus tax

What's it like to not have a conscience what's tremendous? That's the greatest life your life is incredible until you get caught. What but then you have the stories What is it that you want me to do to change that like that's why it pisses me off that people go after governors for putting blackface on or The chief fucking judge because he covered some chicks mouth in 1982. You don't know where to go So if he would have came on and said yeah 1982 I took the girl to party He would have had no you would have had to deal with that I don't know if it works in politics the same way Yes, it does it does because it works in life that way if you don't say it if I get it out first

You got no way that helps that can help you got no way to go eight mile when the 20 when he goes What am I gonna do what are you gonna do when he goes on you about the girl? He goes if you put it out there first. He's got nowhere to go, right? Yeah, cuz the you it diffuses the situation the future Trump does that a lot you watch Trump He'll be like I did this in it and he'll put a little spin on it to make it my you know his way It happened there was a lot. It was not my problem and then people like yeah, yeah, he did it So what it's not who I am today But thinking back at who that person was that would be out on bail for kidnapping

And we'll go every other day to either the Student Center like one day I went to the Student Center had a watch rack Would watch his time X whatever the fuck I Picked up the whole thing and put on my shoulder like a body of Vietnam And I just walked out if you're gonna let me rob and you're not gonna pay attention to me I gotta rob you in those days. I was that nuts and bolder. Yeah, that's crazy, but you're getting away with it So why would you stop getting away? I would control myself. Yeah Not controlling. What do you think control yourself this dog? I would rob 24-7 if you I remember when double espresso machines came out 95

Struggling comic, I don't even Just let me Digest this Because you're going into stories about stealing 24-7 and then I remember with double espresso Yeah, because I had control before I got arrested you get the prison that had had no control like that's when I got caught So I'm out on bail for the kidnapping I get caught with like 85 fucking CDs They chased me like a little black guy in a golf cart and a little white skinny guy like come back And I'm running throw and see these back at me shit trying to throw

Like you're a superhero. Oh my god, they got me the cops finally got me and I gave him a fake name They arrested me and I processed now I just been in there for a month waiting to get bail every cop knew Joey I went in there is Jimmy and their fingerprint me and I'm like, how you doing? And I'm looking at the fingerprint card, it's like Jimmy whatever I'm like These guys if you if you're gonna be that stupid and then I went back to court as that guy I Planned guilty and I got community service and I did the community service Years later. I found out bolder found that you used a different name. What are you gonna do?

You did the community service you paid the fine Crazy shit that you wouldn't even now you can't say now There's no way now get away because that's all electronic. Yeah, now you can't get away with that But that's yeah, I mean you make me want to go back in time and start robbing people and then in those days Remember when Frank Collin don't put his fingerprints down NC is was so slow, right three weeks before your records came back So you could sit in County for two weeks with a murder no one Working your bail and get out before the NC is come out back on you Yeah, NC is wouldn't come back on you for fucking three fucking weeks. That's how slow was that so I could use fake names

I could do all this shit because by the time they figured out who the fuck I really was I was gone I was on the I was on a greyhound bus to the next city So what did you do with the espresso machines? Well the expression machine? I had I had control the expression machines were $450 you keep saying you have control I mean is this you telling us are you trying to convince yourself? I don't give a fuck. It was 25 years ago. Yeah, all right. No Yeah, it was it was 25 years. So I was 95 I forgot double espresso machines are how this story started. It was

$450 for an espresso coffee cappuccino machine all these assholes Sell for 350. I'm walking into those stores. Just picking up the thing. I wasn't even walking out of the store Frank Collin though How sad is that I would just go with the customer service and go how you doing my mother got me this for Christmas What the fuck and they go okay? It's always somebody giving you something. That's the only way you could sell it That's how you do. I was walking down the street. I don't have a gift for sheet But then I got to the point where I'd hang out in front of Kmart. This is when you're a fucking real piece of shit And hang out for the came on our windy days and wave of people's receipts to fly off And one day I'm looking at this guy in a cart

Pushing two by fours and two by sixes and two by fucking twelves, but on top he's got alone more He's pushing its windy out and also in the receipt floor. I I go if I pick it up I look the loan wars 450 so I walk into the fucking Kmart They got no more loan wars. I go fuck it. I went up to Longmont, Colorado 30 miles away Went to a Kmart in there. They had to think the best was I went back and I gave the Mexican kid a 10 Bring this up to the counter for me He brought it up to the counter and I told the lady how you doing my mother gave me this This time I had a receipt

This time they had nowhere to go. He just I'm telling you I bought that. Why don't you go back to both? I go out in front of the dryer. I live here. I Left this here and they give me the money back. I can't it's it's it's And I was doing three or four of those express on machines a day Like on the way to Denver comedy works needed the espresso stop to stay I would stop in Westminster I'd stop in the Denver mall I would show up at the at the comedy works or 1200 in my pocket on the way there It's like of the comedy works open mic started at eight

I leave my house at six and stop in Bloomfield Westminster and just stop at the malls. I need money You use all this stuff when you play these roles Do you use all the stuff that you've done? What's in my mind, right? Yeah, never leaves my mind I don't I've never put it away. I did it. I got to own up to it Right, but you can use that when you play a character. You can use that those memories to be that character. Yeah, absolutely That's what I do when I have an audition. I look at it. I give the guy a fake name Like if you call me you go, I want you to play Frank, right? I make him Frank Luigi I give a background on I'm born in the Bronx his father fucking worked on shoes his mother was a

Sicilian immigrant and I'll just write out his background, right? He started he's a loan shark today, but he started out running errands for and so the Baker I just make up shit, right? That's the background to the car. You have that story in it man Everything makes sense. Yeah. Now, how long did it take after college to try? Did you get a job broadcasting? No, cuz I didn't want to work in like okay a Claire, Wisconsin or something like that being a I was terrible as an interviewer I always wanted to be a guest on like the tonight show and stuff like that one to be the person being interviewed I always loved those Comedians that would go on their old school be like a Jonathan Winters or even people promoting movies Robin Williams or something like that

That's what I wanted to be was just a guest on a on a late night show but I went I Graduated from college. I tried stand-up one time. It was a night at a dance club and they shut the dancing down for a comedy and Music show to be played and yeah, people want to dance Yes, it was it was unbelievable and I went up and I just remember trying to do a Robin Williams impression I'm like, I'm Robin Williams. Nothing. I go. No, I'm not and I was the saddest I was bearded Robin Williams in like

Awakenings or something with just like oh this isn't working at all And I thought it was me and it probably was partially me not ready to do that kind of event because I was supposed to be the host of it but As you know comedy you have to do comedy in a venue that people are expecting comedy and I later learned that and use these types of Experiences to just say no to other gigs as they came along at the beginning You take a lot of things that you probably shouldn't but you also learn from that in some ways But you know things are gonna suck and then you get to a certain point you go I'm just not taking those sucky, you know gigs anymore

But I then I went I graduated from college and I started to Actually got hurt. I hurt my back and believe it or not was from tying my shoe I leaned down to tie my shoe and my back went out and then I couldn't stand up straight for like a month So I started working on a bunch of impressions And then I went up at a comedy club the comedy cafe, which was run by JD. Is he what happened? Maybe the mob got him. No, I heard he had a stroke. Oh, that's the last I heard Because he told that he had a stroke There was nothing like he was the nicest guy in the world to me big Samoan guy, but thought he was a town seven

Yeah, 400 would take you to eat on Thursday. Oh, and when he paid when he paid a gun a briefcase and a gun would go up They go, hey, you ready for this like what worry for what how many times did you work for oh tons? He gave me work all he was the first person ever gave me work gave me work all the time He's like you he'd say stuff like how much time you got how much freak how much time you got I'd be like like three minutes Five minutes. He goes, I'll tell you what we'll put you up steal a bunch of stuff and go up there I'm like, I'm not gonna do that He's like well figure something out You're you're killing with the crowd because I just go up and do impressions and nobody was doing that at the time

He's like, can you come back next week? Well, I then I then I was I'd hurt my back got sick for a while I was out and I come back a year later. He's like, where you been? I was like I was hurt. He's like, I don't care get back up there and he started working me again I mean, this is literally the second and third time I've been up on stage and he's just putting me to work and I get to work with some cool people coming through What year was this? This is probably 90

The first time was probably 90 Five oh a graduate of college ninety-six ninety-five ish and then back in 96. I think somewhere you're back that bad Yeah, I couldn't I couldn't do it. I couldn't get out of bed just from tying your shoelace I had a knee injury when I was younger and When I was 14, I destroyed my knee. We were playing I was a running back in football in the same size now that I was then maybe 20 pounds lighter But I was pretty fast and for you know a suburban high school freshman team They couldn't they couldn't tackle me so but I was running out was we're plump scrimmaging the sophomores

I ran a sweep to the right and I get hit by a guy high and a guy low and my knee just buckled and went out and It never really recovered so I would I was also a catcher in baseball and I would catch off kilter I would catch with one leg fully bent and my left leg which was destroyed Would never wouldn't bend all the way and it screwed up my back. So then Back issues happen for the rest of my life. So this is five six years later I'm just I could be doing anything in my back just went out and That just happened really bad one time when I was a freshman sophomore in college somewhere in there must have been yeah it must have been soft junior year probably junior year and

I Was just out for a while. I couldn't do anything. I was just I couldn't go to school I couldn't I couldn't physically couldn't get up out of bed because I couldn't walk And that was at least two weeks and then it took some more time I probably milked it some after a little while like then you get scared about going back because you missed a month You know two weeks of college what I'm gonna do But I was doing all the work at the time. There wasn't even email or anything like that I was just having to call people and get the work and I think they they liked that enough that I was taking the initiative to do that

That you know, I got through and made it you know work with the teachers and I think I probably got a's in the classes Broadcasting journalism classes aren't that hard. It's not like I'm doing physics or something. So Then when I came back after college because I just said, you know, I'm gonna get my degree right now I got it just because that's what you do not for any other reason other than that and then I And then I went back out and I started working right away people start paying me to do stand-up I got on the college circuit in a year because I'm 24 years old 20 and 23 years old And at that point doing colleges that was experimental to now you do a college They don't want you to say anything back then you could get away with whatever and I even say get away

I don't mean get away with it was just a time to Speak freely and say what you thought and now it's the speech police at colleges. It's ridiculous I can ask you a question. Yeah, that's the point of the show as a young man. Were you? Privileged impressions like were you already getting in front of the family one? Hold on. Hold on Just just that, you know, wait a little bit. I think I always did some of it as a high school Student I would do impressions of friends and stuff and teachers with a teacher. Mr. Christensen who's he was also the basketball coach She's like, mr. Kelly and don't do me a favor Can you come up and show us on the map where the Atlantic Ocean is and I'd go up there and be like an idiot

I'm like, is it the blue part? Yeah, and he'll be like go sit down and even you kind of mess with me because I didn't know anything about geography But there was this guy Darren Barsh who like he he always had the the comb in his back pocket And he feather his hair and his nostrils would flare So I do impressions of him and a couple other people and watch Saturday Night Live and in living color and do all the Damon Wayne's characters You know that kind of thing or the fire marshal, but let me show you something so I'm doing all those things Stuff you wouldn't use in your stand-up act because it's somebody else's character and then I started Working on nobody was doing impressions of people how they actually are people were doing impressions of characters in movies

So I would do the Robin Williams way it'd be the serious Robin Williams and you tell a story You know that kind of thing or Tony Danza like And I'd find things that were observational comedy with them Tony Danza the bit was He would talk normally pretty much until somebody from the old neighborhood came around right? So it was like on who's the boss John? It did Samantha Mona and then Like his acting chops were like just to go a hundred percent to the old school The old big character and it was just to me that was the funny observation in it

And it was an offbeat impression that people were only doing Jack Nicholson at the time nobody was really doing yeah Like now it's Christopher walk-in like that right with jack Nicholson was the one everybody was doing And they were doing these big over-the-top jack Nicholson's and I would do just a silent quiet one You know that the more real guy and people like well, that's a different version And even people who hated impressions were like you're actually kind of doing something a little bit different So comics like me because I developed an act like most comics would see an impressionist and go this guy sucks You mean you look at youtube Now and like people do way better impressions than me. I see people like doing these incredible impressions

But they don't create a character with it that much and you go after they do the line you're kind of going Uh, okay now what what how did where does this go? and even with You know the old school stuff. I do like john man. I got bored with doing the you know the john man I turned him into a character that's going And make these big noises And it became just its own character as opposed to just the impression to me that became more fun And there were people who could do dead-on impressions better than me

But I would find the physicality and stuff like that to go with it and What I'm trying to do now in my act and life and everything is doing that with characters You you you just put a voice To something that happens in your life And that's almost like you an impression is just a character that everybody knows already A character you have to set up more and give people the background because they don't know what the point of view is on the character I'm an uncle uncle phil that was I mean, I think he I think you and him would have been great friends

But he had this whole thing about like he hey franke you should spend time with shinatra I'm like really can't tell you but here's a story like you get you just told me you can't tell the story Like at one point he was the cheese king of chicago. He's like you can't franke and he get mad about I don't even understand it Yeah, they get pissed about that but you franke you can't get cheese in chicago when I go through me I'm like what what's who's trying to get the cheese? What are you worried about? Like what's are there other cheese? Gurus out there So I was like that kind of stuff and turn those guys into characters

And and make that part of my act and be part of what I'm trying to become and tell the stories But it's truth again comes back to that truth stuff that Who am I and what's my background? I tell stories about that stuff and people go go great You can you can look him up because he was gone for a while But he I don't even know if I should be saying this but he quit witness protection I've never seen anybody do that But all of a sudden we know we had italian christmas, you know on the phone

There's hey, it's uncle phil. Hey fringy. Hey, you know, you know, where are you? Can't shade and then one year he just showed up again. We're like what how's he here? Yeah, italians can't they all they'll block the windows shut the shut everybody duck We're gonna have a low christmas. When did you think about LA? When did you start thinking about LA that somebody reach out to you? Yeah, a manager did and he said I don't want to use names You probably know him, but he's like you gotta come out here, man. It'll be incredible So I get I couldn't even get on make me laugh

I couldn't get on the show make me laugh. That's when I first came to LA make me laugh was with the kid that No, no, make me laugh was all comedians would go on and just tell jokes to a person sitting there Yeah, I remember yeah, the people who was the host uh, he's in vegas now doing the reveal Vival or something playing somebody and because what happened to me taped a thousand those fucking episodes Yeah, I don't even remember who it was make me laugh little jewish kid Yeah, I don't he was a host nice kid real nice would be at the improv every night But the people who did really great weren't joke because some people go on and tell jokes And some people would go on and just say goofy things and do goofy

Right, you weren't telling if you want to understand that Yeah, because like the whole part of a joke is the people kind have to know when the joke is coming So they know when to laugh. Bobby van. No, that's what Mark Cohen sounds right. Oh, that's old. Sorry. Hold on Yeah, Mark Cohen. So, um So the people who was what's his name? Who's I find him incredibly hilarious Todd glass Yeah, Todd glass I glass would do well Todd glass was a guy who would just kill on there. Look at me I remember that. Yeah, it was exactly and that was the stuff

That really made you like because you don't know what's coming a point of a joke is You might not know what the joke is, but you know when it's coming It's an assumption that's set up and then you zig when you think you're gonna zag and that's where the funny part comes from They like you get caught off guard and people put two and two together in their heads and they go I got it So that I couldn't even get on that show and everybody was on that show make me laugh I didn't really hate him almost everybody was on everybody was everybody minus two x minus two was on that show Now, what was your first show that you got on it? Uh, I think they got me he got me on uh, Craig kill born

I think I did correct kill born improv show. Did you go on? I never did improv show Well, what what show before mad tv you were on hype on the wb hype. Okay pipe was I got that a sketch show improv I got that and that was in the chicken deal chicken who went to Montreal he got a huge one of the like you talked about earlier in the episode the 500 He was the last of the giant deals because they kind of figured out that they were getting played by the agents and managers in montreal For the people who don't know the montreal comedy festival before the internet was where people got discovered a lot of comedians So you go on you do these new faces And I remember going on like doing my I was doing a gala set

Which was one of those bigger shows and chelsea handler was going to do the new faces And I was just I was basically just mocking her the whole time because she was so into herself I'm like, just like what's where's this girl? Where's this woman ever going to end up and now she's huge, right? But it was one of those kinds of things like going wow She's really determined to sell herself and be important. I'm like, I'm the total opposite I'm kind of just a joke just who got lucky and got here But uh, those new faces he got a $500 deal by humping a stool He went $500,000 and mitch headberg the year before it got in a huge deal too

And so there was this There was this whole thing of people getting these $500,000 when mitch headberg got the deal When they came this is how different the town was when they came back They closed the improv on monday and tuesday night monday was a showcase for writers And tuesday was a showcase for showrunners That's how different the industry was they don't even do showcases in this town no more. Oh, they don't I don't even know CAA showcase apa used to do a big showcase

Uh, but you need it anymore. You can just see everybody. Yeah, nobody's gonna come nobody's gonna come You can just that's how fucking different the internet just changed all that so so the chicken deal What happened was he was really he had a great presence But he was just humping a stool and they made it so nobody could get into there That was brilliant brilliantly done by agents and managers right it was it was all done Nobody could get in and all the networks were bidding on this guy that nobody knew and didn't even know what he did Because they weren't there was no internet so you couldn't research what he was doing people It was like somebody wants them we got to have them and then they had a deal

Warner brothers gave him a deal and didn't know what show to put him in so they merged him with my deal In my show and it became the show called hype and it wasn't right for him at all But he got on triple x he was in that and he had some he had some real heat But we had a show that was a weird thing our show runners were going for massages during the day when they should have been show running It was just kind of a mess. There were some very talented people It was just it wanted to be a pop culture cheesy show because it was wb And it should have been a gritty more real Which was what was gonna they didn't see the future like the chappelle and everybody going in and having filmed pieces that weren't

Jokey jokes. They were more Situational stuff and we're doing these big jokie lines stuff to the camera It was like he ha or something like that for people remember that can you just tell a joke and As you know, like you were talking about earlier with your act one-liners You might have a great one-liner, but people are gonna they might they might even remember the one line your personality They'll go. He's the guy who uh sells the espresso machines without ever buying them It's like people remember that stuff and they remember the situation and the person Um, what was the girl on hype?

There are two there's shea matash There was another or there were three or there was shea matash christin nelson and nodya ginsberg and um I think that's How long did hype like it was like 12 episodes and then they remembered that because it was they started out It's hype night on the wb and three weeks later The wb sunday like they'd gotten rid of hype night and just went to the wb sunday because that was on i remember Uh, I used to host at the store and one sunday night lucy k came didn't know we was right Uh, and I said you only go up and he goes. Yeah

I put him up and as he walked out he goes. Hey, I got a show for you. You went down this week And at that time they had the seductive entertainer Variety show. I remember that sketch. I think they were on Oh, maybe they were doing that when I was at mad tv. I was on the same lot as them And he was the head writer or something like that and then uh, when did you get up? So how far after hype did you get on mad tv? uh Right a right away afterward because that show got cancelled and then when I first went to la too another thing was

I went in and met with the president of nbc at the time and uh, he goes Do you want me to put you on saturday night live? I'm like, it would be an option And then we got out of the room and the manager goes, you said it'll be an option Why did you say that I'm like because you told me never to show my cards and I was like he's like, yeah But I didn't think you'd do something like that. Everybody says yes. I'm like, well, you just have to be Like you uh in control Did you did you audition for saturday night live at all? I never did I did because it was the president of nbc

And I'd heard stories about like jim broor and stuff like that where the The network tried to put you on there and you had a terrible time because they want to find you and they had darryl hammond I wasn't going to do sit behind darryl hammond for years and be the second guy. So when the mad tv thing came along Uh, I just took that when I was doing Auditions in la when I first came out here when I couldn't get on make me laugh They started having me do auditions for Some sketch shows mad tv wanted me I'd go in there. I did a thing called the five minutes of fury And I don't know how long it was and I don't know why we called it that but it was

Just impression after impression after impression and one after another nobody's doing impressive time I'd leave a room and people would want they just want to give me development deals That's how I got the wb deal that they merged with chicken. It's the michael roof. It's they I would do this stuff and I'd go in for a commercial audition or something like that And I just do that and they would they would want a call back and I would suck at the commercial and they just want to hear You know, what'd you do? um so, uh

I went in did did that, um Where were we going with that? I'm sorry. I lost my train of thought going to mad tv. Oh mad see so I went back after hype was cancelled They just put me on mad tv. I never auditioned what season was that like six Oh, no, it was down a ways. I mean it was probably yeah Yeah, seven or eight somewhere in there. Yeah, it started. I didn't know because I didn't six 97 Yeah, because arty lang was there for a couple years. He was the fat guy then wilf sassow. Yeah, callan who's Callan the one who got nervous breakdown

I did spy the man with him nice blooded 95 Nice young black. I remember the first show was the first host was rosa and bar Of mad tv. Oh, right and doug stanhope was supposed to do stand up on it. Oh, really? I don't the original pilot or something like that. I know. I think that was something different actually different Yeah, because they had that saturday night special That's what he he's uh He's heitch he's heitch to the thing so that where is he anybody? You know, I don't know but I don't listen. I came up in the colleges

I never was around everybody everybody's doing sets with each other like the improv and stuff like that Or at the laugh factory. I never did any of that stuff. I never did the That's part of my problem in the podcast world, you know, everybody knows each other and they go on each other shows That's why I really appreciate you having me on too. It's like everybody. No, I don't know anybody I don't it's not because I was a jerk or anything No, maybe no, maybe I could have it But it was more that I just didn't know anybody because I was always isolated and kind of shy to try and get myself onto stuff and um

So back to backtrack that saturday night special show was on they found out that mad tv was doing better than that saturday night special thing Mad tv went on and was on for 13 14 years whatever it was and they were on a crazy contract that Like they didn't have to pay you real money because it was late night fox and there was nothing else in that world So that you like the money you'd make on that show which sounds like a lot to the regular person um Who's not in entertainment, but that's like $5,000 an episode you're making there and you might only get in seven episodes the first year so You know a sitcom you're making. Jesse Smollett would have gone crazy

That motherfucker would have stabbed himself. He would have done a real fucking He only got real brothers to beat him up. That's some Africans. I don't know if he could have immigration problems I don't want me to have enough money for it. Yeah, you're right All right, you might have you're a two thousand you can find anybody Yeah, so holly with a nickel in those days go buy But you couldn't go by yum yum donuts on Santa Monica But think people think you're big black trannies to beat you up over there. Remember that used to be tranny real down there Santa Monica

Yeah, you make that turn right into right there and that was that was the set right there or that was where that was It was I can't remember the name But the funny thing is they do disney shows there because it was really hollywood center studios And it's like disney like the sweet life with zack and cody would record there cedric the entertainer and mad tv And it used to be back in the day. It was lucille ball Right, what are you ever on that show? You look like you could have been a great I went in for a couple of auditions. Let me tell you something I went to that lot because

The lot is the one you're supposed to turn left until if you're coming right from sunset And there's sometimes a line and sometimes they'll tell you that you don't belong in the lot make a u-turn and go to the corner Right and one day I was fucking drinking all night Slaughtin doing god knows what type of pills I think I think god knows and I went to bed at like five And I pulled up into that lot to do somebody's show Wasn't yours with somebody else's show could have been mine. You'd have been good and I pulled in the guy goes You have to park all the way down there. They go dog There's a parking spot down. That was 400 pounds

I go, I'm not walking down there So I pulled him to the spot when I came out. He ran up to me And he's like, I just fucking told you what to do and I go, what'd you say? I got him with like an elbow. I was Before I got him with his shoulder to the face He went back and I don't you ever fucking tell me where to park your fuck And as I walked he was yelling at me when I got back to the set. They're like, what happened out there And I had just gotten fired from the man show

Wait, you got nobody could get fired from the man show. Oh, yeah, I did I went to Rogan and Stanhope Oh, okay, Rogan episode. Yeah, yeah, the pilot episode. I caught the director line I forgot Rogan did that. I caught the director lying and I told him out in the hallway I heard what you did motherfucker And I'm gonna tell Joe and Stanhope because you're fired. I go, fuck you And then they made the security guard escort me off But I had smoked a joint with the security guard two hours earlier. He's like, that's my dog

I ain't throwing him out of here. Fuck him with tremendous. You can't write this shit, frankly No, you can't I can't even believe you lived it. But I yeah, I I shouldered the guy and like the fucking throat He went down like the john jones move. Well, you yeah, he was like, what the fuck are you crazy? Tell me where to park. I asked you fucking nicely If you save enough one of your friends, just fucking tell them that in your mind I asked you fucking nice. I asked you fucking means I can do I just had I got bullshit. I just had knee surgery. My back is out. My grandmother died Is it really necessary to walk all the way over fucking that when I could park right then he gave me like a little bit of an attitude

So I go, it's me against him. There's nobody else on this block. There ain't no cameras at that time I'm pulling in there. I pulled in and I had my bag. You know, you have to bring wardrobe Yeah, I had to bring my own wardrobe. I'm like, I'm not walking from all the way over that's what happened How much has your life changed because of the camera? Like think about with cameras being everything very much. I wonder how much That truly affected you like you like you Let me ask you this and maybe I'm completely wrong in this but it's it's like you've changed and you said to having a kids change You and stuff like that, but you had to change

There's an element to your life that couldn't exist anymore, right? A pretty big element that might have driven you to be Hey, I could be this different part. I just shoulder the guy in December, New York I'm the ferry to jersey just depends on my order and my wife in front of me because I had my daughter by the hand frankly And though I was online like a gentleman. My wife was standing behind me And we were all talking and all of a sudden a guy cut and bounced me And I looked at him and as he came this way my daughter was right here in my right hand You're not going to bang into my daughter. Yeah, so I hit him with the shoulder. He fucking went back And I go is there a fucking problem and he stared me down a little bit

He goes no, there's no problem and I waited and I didn't take my eyes off Didn't take my eyes off and he kept staring at me and I go You sure there's no fucking problem because we'll take care of this right now And he goes no, there's no we're both on the ferry And I thought he was going to jab me on the way off the ferry in jersey I watched him get off and I had my phone ready. I wasn't smashing right in his fucking head But he there's something that family thing I remember in front of my family and I'm gonna do that. I will not I would fucking kill you

You're gonna die right here on the spot. You gave me like a flashback to something with my grandpa Yeah, I remember being in a Chuck E cheese when I was maybe Eight years old or something. This is in Chicago in a Chuck E cheese I'm playing defender or something some old video game and I step aside some other bigger kid Steps and starts playing my game and I'm like what just happened my grandpa's there And he's like what happened Frankie? And I'm like this guy started playing my game my grandpa He my grandpa's a little Italian guy, but all of a sudden he's Joe Pesci, right?

And I don't do a good Joe Pesci impression But he picked the guy up and just said don't ever do that to my My grandson like family I was on like I was scared to death But also like I got the right guy Yeah, I got the right I got the right family, but he picked them up and like this my grandson. I was like holy cow What Blood do I have a different world Frank? It was You know, we live in a world now that especially now like

You've been on a set and the director comes on with a hat with a feather Rolled up shirt so you could show your eagle tattoo Some fucking american eagle like he's cool. Everybody's telling the tattoo is cool and they'll talk to you a certain way, right? That wasn't gonna fly with me. Yeah, I would call them out. I'd say that's not gonna happen I don't play that fucking Gentile shit Go well that works for kids in acting class. Don't talk to me that way. Yeah, I just meant talk to me like a man I always just find that I just I don't find I don't believe anything out here. No. No, this is a Remember, it's the world

Then it's los angeles right Harvey you wine steen wouldn't happen never never land You know Jesse Snollett these fucking mothers that paid a half a million to get their kids in school Where does that happen here in la la land where that shit wouldn't fly anywhere else But I just remember being lied to so Oh, please don't lie to your face from from the beginning. I remember talent people telling me Oh, this is going to be the biggest thing for you're going to blow up like they tell you that constantly and you're going Wait a second. I I didn't even do it. That wasn't good. You asked me to do it again

Yeah, and they get you caught. It's called getting caught up Yeah, and they blow so much smoke up your ass and then one day what happens. He ended up like chicken Yeah, god I mean, I mean end up like chicken imagine being Super famous imagine being LeBron James When do you think the last time somebody told him know us for like there's not a middle school It maybe he was big in high school. Yeah, I mean nobody told just because they knew he was going to be uber famous And then he gets out here and how easy is it for him to make a television show?

And I watched LeBron James shows you ever watched some of these shows But this is this is what's funny about and this happens this I'm sure happens with all the biggest stars This is a LeBron James show ready Oh, I agree with you LeBron. No, no, no, I agree with you more LeBron like five guys just agreeing with them Like there's no way he can get real answers There's not like people just start I had it happen to me for a while too as you start to go up and you just people just start to that's great You're like

I just I took a dump that just sucked that why you telling me that's great I feel bad for a lot of comedic actors, especially on shitty tv shows They have those pa's and that's what they get paid to do right fluff right a fluff on a set They suck your dick and get your dick hard and keep you hard That's what they do. That was great. They blow smoke up your ass and then you end up What's the kid who did that show in Idaho that movie that he wore this shirt? He's my friend What was that fucking morons? What was that movie?

I don't know came on was popular 15 years ago Raising Idaho come on every fucking body liked it and the kid came down here And he did a movie with will farron rose gates talking about You know that guy had a zero talent as comedy zero But he did a movie and they all sucked his dick and then he did that will farrow more which will carry them And then they gave him his own show on comedy central and you heard what happened there No, I don't know like he no like even when comedy central tells you you're bad You're bad

Napoleon dynamite Napoleon dynamite. Yeah, they blow smoke up your ass and then one day you left in your beautiful John Peter million dollar home And nobody's hiring you right because that show was seven years was worked for you Right, but in the real realm of things, you're not really that funny of a guy I watch a lot of these shows and I don't know what the fuck they're talking about Well, see that's how I always believed in stand-up is if you had if you base your money Your career in stand-up you always have something to go back always I love you can make the money like you're gonna be you can have ups and downs on tv a television show

There'll be times where people think you're important and not important But as long as you can sell some tickets to a specific audience You're fine and you're you do the same you're you're probably doing more than me right now But you at a certain point you learn that how to work that system because a lot of times you go into the comedy clubs Or the theaters or whatever you're doing and you just expect you you accept an amount of money They're gonna pay you like they'll come in and say, okay, we'll pay you a grand for the week And you're like, ah, that's awesome. I'm doing comedy make a living then you realize They're selling tickets and they're making a lot of money doing this

I gotta be paid more and when you're with the the agents But then the agents and the managers they're all tied in and a network To a certain level where they there's give it in some slack and stuff like that where they let things go and you're like I can make more in this and like we can ask no you're gonna tell them because i'm a draw right now You're like there's nothing more powerful than the word no in hollywood always say that you say no all of a sudden people like what? And then they want you 10 times as much you say no to something and people they don't even understand That's half of my meetings when I first came to la. I'm like, I don't know if I want to do that They're like they they don't even know how to respond

Then all of a sudden they're like we got to get this guy because nobody they're everybody's so desperate Yeah, everybody's so desperate to do something That they're they they feel like you have this confidence to like how I would go in with network executives And just make fun of them because everybody's so nervous with the network executive I take the chance. I'm like Hey, what are they 50 50, you know, it's probably a better chance They're not gonna like me in the first place anyways because they see so many people Let me just try and be myself and be a jackass

I'm a I'm a smart alec sarcastic a little bit of a jerk Let me be it and it's it's not not like a jerk to be a jerk But just to be funny and get the laugh out of it and I'll take the chance But you go in there and you say oh mr. Smiles I um I've been working on this p. They don't they see that all the time. They see you nervous They feed on that and they go Ah, this isn't the right part you go in there like what what means you choose that tie and they're like, huh?

Like look at your tie. You're a network executive. You can't wear the tie like you really don't like the tie Why not like you're not you shouldn't and they start going on back and they're like what what are you doing? What are you doing like you could probably do that real? I mean, I could see you going into a room I go into a room and take it over. Yeah I go into a room and let them know I win the chair. It's like going to church. It's a new app I go in there when we sit on what happened to the good waters. What the fuck? And they don't know because they don't have anybody and they're like he can control the room. You just sold the show Yeah, you just sold the show. Did you hear that's how uh, uh, what's his name um

For taxi how uh, louis de palma who played dandy de vito dandy de vito went in there and he was the louis de palma character He was just a jackass like what is this shit? You know and they're like this is the guy because you take a chance You go in there and be safe if you're really good looking there's a chance maybe some but there's a lot of good looking people You go in there and you do something that's interesting or different than everybody else Now all of a sudden they're like who who I went to a commercial audition And I I wasn't right for the commercial was awesome computer or something And I did that five minutes of fury thing. I talked about it was so stupid

I like look back and think how embarrassing it was to do that thing But they're like I go and I had to sing or something like that and improv the commercial Which is a whole another thing it could get into but I go in and I'm like I I'm not feeling I got to go I leave And I get a call back for the commercial and I'm like wait The agents are like they loved you. I'm like I didn't I didn't do the commercial audition I said I don't feel it. I I'll suck at this and I left they're like they want to see you tomorrow I'm like I'm not going in because I'm not right for it

They're just saying that because they feel like they want to be in power and they want to tell me No, we don't want you. That's what they want. They want to tell you. No, we don't want you They don't want you to walk away on your own power You know what somebody does it likes to break up like it was a Relationship with the breakup really quick where they're like wait a second. What you can't I'm dumping you. You're not dumping me But I remember that that was another thing I've learned on some of these early commercial auditions they go in and you you you improvise and then you're the commercial without you Like they get people to come in and just play around with the product a little bit and you do that

And all of a sudden he's like wait a second. That's my using it as a cigar bit It's that has nothing to do. Where did that come from and you go I don't want to write these come and I that's part of my problem in la too because people There's way better improvisers than me and they all know it's going to happen But they some they eventually get some of the stuff but again That's playing off a lot of the desperateness in that world. I just I couldn't auditions to me And maybe you just have a better self worth than I do or something But you go in and you just you're sitting on a bench and you're sitting next to in a hallway

And you're just like wow I'm really groveling to try and get this along with three other people who are on sitcoms 15 years ago First of all, look how they see me I look like sloth from the goonies, you know, these other three guys that are here I look like that to them. It's like what I remember Harlan Williams Dane cook and like two other guys were always at the same audition when I was pretty hot when I first came to la I would get a movie script sent to me that jack black and two other fat guys turned down It was like maybe caliendo will look at this and they didn't want me anyways

But they're just going down the script and they found out I didn't have the pull to have a movie made in the in the first place But it was like wow, that's that's who they think I am I mean we ever go to an audition you look around and go I look exactly like three of these other guys What am I going to do that's going to be different and if I don't have something I guess I'm just like these three other guys and then the higher the guy who's tall and better looking I mean, I went in for daredevil. I remember going in for dared the original daredevil that was ben afleck And and and yeah, right and what was uh, he's in He directs now and he was in uh, rudy for a small bit and he was in elf. Uh, he's um happy in the um

um In iron man, uh, you'll know exactly who's oh swing. Oh, yeah, john fevro John fevro and john fevro got the I was never going to get the part John fevro's got in the part and like you go in for these auditions and it's like Ah, but every once in a while somebody gets one of the agents you ever have an agent do this Oh, they can't wait to see you They're really they really when you go down there and they don't even know who you are It's the worst it's the worst thing in the world. I always loved auditioning frank

I I I wasn't making it because I wasn't making it as a comic I'm the only person who liked me was mitzsche And Montreal wouldn't take me they didn't like what I did with my hand. It was just a nightmare So I grew up. I'm an immigrant. I grew up on fucking movies charles bronson You know the lord, you know fucking dirty harry, you know, I grew up on that just steve mclean So movies are always very intriguing to me So when I came to town, I wasn't ready, but I signed with a power television manager

If there was a project he'd get you in and he grew up in hollywood. He grew up in bellie hills He knew everybody so I went in for men in black I'd go for all that shit. That was one of the many and I never booked anything And then I figured out I know what I'm good at like I would start Getting my mind prepared, but the main audition I never liked that. I still turned down today is the We don't know what they're looking for audition right then go fuck your mother Unless it's unless I could walk to it that we don't know what we're looking for audition You know unless we got that on then I could walk to it

I'll go if I could walk to it But if that's if I got to drive to Santa Monica that we don't know what we're looking for audition Coming in jazzy's Coming with three original characters like you said no no you're looking for a writer, bitch All right. Yeah, actually you'll look that's that how many auditions that I go in and improvise And the next day I went to shoot my line was in that's what I'm talking about with the commercial My lines were in there and I go what the fuck is this and you don't say nothing because you're dumb You don't want to rock the boat. Hey, give me a writing credits up

Yeah, an associate to the associate to the associate to the associate of the stories, but I enjoyed auditioning because after a while I was going there. I Started getting popular With auditions and I'm not scared to say this because of the sopranos and I look like one of the guys right So everything Italian I went in for yeah, I went in for and that taught me how to audition how to Really by 2002 I was a monster. I knew exactly what I was doing the room. I wanted to how I How I did your mother I met your mother I met your mother's and I walked and I had no underwear on just jeans

But there was a little rip In my jeans and it caught the table and my cock came out It was three women of the producer's session And I looked them all at the face and they looked at me and I go just see the cuban egg roll And they but you know when you say that line you got two things either get out of our office Oh, it's you know, you just killed us. I had to sit. I didn't think you could beat the espresso story But you did I had a pant with a flap over my dick and my hand like I was giving signals for a fastball for the fucking And I walked out. I'm down the block at fox and my agent calls me. They want you to come back and read

I wasn't there for 25 minutes just laughing talking about the cuban egg roll Uncircumcised the whole fucking thing, you know, I got the road if you watch how I met your mother you go You didn't belong in that They weren't looking for me. I just got them with that. All right, and I didn't mean to get them, you know You didn't plan the cuban egg. No, no, no, it just ripped, you know, many auditions I went into Do you go to a lot of auditions with no underwear for a thing? No, then one time I went in Look at the smile. I had to go to an audition about a neighbor for a abc pilot This was like an american family. This had to be

2002 and I walking in and every fucking big italian actor is in there And it was a scene where a guy had a thong the typical italian Uh, you know, man moves into like upgrades. This is his living condition And now he's in his yard water in the yard looking at the neighbors and he's grilling Hot dogs with you know grill on a little Puerto Rican grill, you know the Hibachi one you get the little one and he's like living in Beverly Hills in his mind And one of the neighbors comes by and he goes look at me. You know, I'm living great So I'm reading this I'm looking at all these hollywood names in there these italian guys and I gotta figure something out

So I remember that I had I I put on uh, like depends bikinis on purpose and I go I'm gonna ask them if like because that's what they said casting director said if you go into an audition I always ask them before you take a piece of clothing So God was in my corner. I had sweats on over it. I was 400 pounds With a fucking t-shirt on when I walk and they're like, thank you for coming Can you give us a minute and they turned around to start looking at headshots? I go, this is my chance I took my shirt off. I took my fucking sweat

And all three of them turned around like And I took the hose and they go look at me living like a doctor And they that was it like they told me in the room. Listen Tell those people outside just to leave You booked it because I knew how to get you took a chance. You have to take a chance the chance It's just it's your people go to audition to book a job. I go to be remembered I go to rattle the pictures up even though you're looking at Frank Kelly and though and even though you're looking at Tony Soprano And even though you're looking at Brad Pitt

Fucking Diaz came in here and fucked up our room. Yeah, we got to do something with him. Yeah, that's I mean You and I learned the same lesson and you applied it. That's the big that's the big difference as you go in there Some people like it Frank. Oh, yeah, you got to be willing to take the rejection on that Impersonations I could do zero. No, it's fine. But it's zero. It's not even that it's You take those chances in life and that's they can really pay off. It's an amazing You don't realize how great that is because they'll remember like you said You don't have to book the job But you have to be remembered because then they'll go and sometimes the memory is not clear of what you did

Like you'll have done something that did get something like something but that guy he did something Just bring him back when I when you and I got here. You ever see that good fellas The guy that walks in I'm sorry to say this on the podcast He walks into the dining goes two niggas just stole my car You know, he got that You've never seen that guy again And anything he's a comic from LA sweet heart of a guy when I first got out here. I saw him the first night I'm like, you're the guy from good like my head almost blew up

Like he was at the improv doing the spot. I'm uh, and we became friends and I saw him in addition I said to him one day. How'd you get good fellas? He was always in prison And I read the book just like I did I read good fellas in prison and live part of and and he goes When I came out I wrote Scorsese letters letters letters and when he cast good fellas, he called me in in brooklyn This idiot walked in Took a gun out and put it on the desk and he sat down. He goes. I'm here and scorsese said, okay Security come get this guy to my building

They squatted him out. All right A month later. He goes. I got a line for you. I bet that guy can't go into black neighborhoods today Or going to Kentucky fried chicken or anything like that. He can't go with you guys edit this thing, right? No, no I disagree with everything. That's just no. No. No. No think about it. I get it. Where can he walk into where it's 10 black people And they're gonna go aren't you the motherfucker from good fellas? He's gonna go No No, no, that wasn't me. This was at the end of the podcast and I walked out. That's all I'm saying No, no, no, but think about that. I mean, oh

He he was remembered and they I could just see scores casey going one idiot We'll do this line in the movie like I can just see source casey going. I gotta find the guy To say, you know, two movies. Just all my truck on national tv goes. Who can I get? The guy with the gun that retards That's Oh my frankly in the hollow, don't say my name anywhere near the stuff How long were you on mad tv? Uh, joey Diaz. Uh, this is just a guy doing a Frank Kelly impression

How long I was on mad tv for five years How'd you feel about it? I didn't love it. It was I never got the all they wanted me to ever do is john mad and stuff And at the beginning that's probably where I should have been but I started working I remember doing a sketch where I'd worked on it Really, really hard to play an original character guy rich tallorico sat down with me wrote this great sketch I was a little piece of it, but he he really wrote the most of it was a athletic trainer physical trainer who to get to the Training facility had to go upstairs and was winded like he should not have been it like he drops the towel

He picks it up with his foot like oh god Oh, give me a second and I pick it up like the person like aren't you gonna bend down and get that? Like oh that's just I see the stairs is tough. I it nailed the the table read And uh, everyone's like frank that was fan all the the cast members like that was awesome frank never saw you Never seen you do anything like that at all um Really cool. Can't wait to see that sketch made everybody, you know pumping it up and They never made the sketch they tabled it

And had me do another john mad sketch and that's when I knew they were never going to give me an opportunity To do anything outside of that take a chance and something outside of the impressions And I was like i'm i'm done here. This is I don't care anymore I'll ride this out and the same time I got the nfl on fox job with bratch on howie long and those guys And being around hall of fame nfl guys. That's what brought me up. That's what made me That's what got me into the corporate comedy world, which is where all the money is and stuff like that so I I didn't I didn't even care mad tv let me do that One year I even got out of like 10 episodes of mad tv

Because I said it was too much of a workload, but it was really just I didn't like what I was doing at mad tv I was doing more stuff at the nfl on fox. It was a football show so um I didn't have a great time there, but again, I didn't push myself and fight for myself I watched the guys like uh keegan michael key and jordan peel who were there later When I was just ending and trying to get out of there really and will sasso before me and if I had to learn those lessons They were the ones fighting for themselves and right in on the writing of their own sketches Even if they those guys wrote their own sketches key and peel did and that's why I think their stuff went

Over so well, they didn't even break until they did key and peel where they 100% were in control of editing and stuff like that But I remember there was a point where jordan peel they're like The the powers that be at mad tv is like this guy doesn't work for this show. I'm like What are you talking about? He's a genius and then I wasn't the only one that saw it not trying to say that But I'm like watching and keegan was another one I was like this guy should be on santa live every every sketch he does would be You know played everywhere the next day. It was one of those things where you could just see match when I first went to um mad tv

I did a john madden thing go figure and it was uh talking about war and stuff like they started playing it on different news shows And like mad tv was like they were getting publicity But these guys had like totally original created stuff that you're going if they were on santa live and and jordan stuff was More subdued but just really brilliantly written And keegan stuff was big over the top characters that you would just see breaking out as santa live and there'd be a toy made And in shirts the next day um And these guys they directed they they drove their own stuff and kind of told the directors and the producers

This is how we're doing it And they got the stuff they wanted made made the way they wanted to and that's how It really works if you can do that and have the confidence in yourself because there's so many people around you telling No, you have to listen to this person and I was one of those people that listen You can get a lot better done and you might have a reputation of being a tougher person to worry about but it's not really that You're just standing up for yourself standing up for yourself stand and I never stood up for myself. I heard santa live It's doggie dog. I don't think it's as much as it used to be But I heard you had to be that eight really with your stings like if everybody had a call prime at ten

You would have to be that eight to pull the producers aside Yeah, and the writers and say take a look at this then. Oh, yeah, we have some like you had a Well, I talked I talked to be like dana carvey and some of the other people around those times that were like Yeah, you'd write your own scale. No, this that doesn't even come from that was from something I heard david spade talk about it where david spade talked about You can't you would have to write the stuff with the writers and then perform it and make sure you were in on the writing Because if you let writers just write stuff They'd give it to the people who are already famous like the the more famous people on the show that already broken

They want their sketches made and talked about right so you don't give it to the new person You give it to the new person. There's a chance. There's a better chance of failure on your sketch You write it you come up with it You give it to the main people because they're gonna sell you give it to will ferrell at the time you give it to whoever's there and you know That stuff's gonna break right you or at least has a chance you give it to somebody who's unknown It might be thrown at the end of the show because one of the big You know three or four isn't in it and that you don't want the throwaway sketch

You want the show you want the show opener or in the top three sketches because that's when everybody's watching and cares about it Unless it's something crazy that happens weird at the end like a You know tracy morgan scratch that the first time's like i'm brian fellows and it's like it's so weird that it takes off because of that But you won't want that up front Because it's not the right time or feel but later it becomes that it works its way in But as a writer you want to give the stuff to the star if you're if the star is saying your words Then you're you ever done this you're in a table read and for the people who listen to the podcast You don't know what table read is

It's when the first run through and read through of a sketch or a sitcom or whatever And you say something and who's laughing the person who wrote it Like the like three writers like you say some it's it's kind of funny, but there's three people And nobody else is laughing in the room and you don't understand at the beginning But then it's three three times in you know three three table reads in you're like wait a second they wrote that That's why they're laughing and then the writers are only laughing at their own stuff They're shutting down other people's stuff I'm not saying all people do this

Then I think it's part of human nature like you want your stuff to do well And you're you're you're encouraging your own things Like sometimes you'd read something a table read and you'd get a nervous laugh from a Like that kind of like they're not sure if it's funny or not and nobody else is laughing But the writers think like you're going I want to take you to realize all this bullshit I mean, I think I knew pretty early on but I Listen, I'm a cynic from the beginning. I

I've never liked anything I've done I for the most part I looked at anything I've ever done and I go I don't know I I'm a realist and people when they meet me end up saying Oh, you didn't think that was good and I thought that sucked What'd you think about that thing? I thought that was pretty good and I'm really proud of this But most of the stuff I did along the way was a lot of acquiescing a lot of giving in and compromising to other people's ideas It's good, but it wasn't my vision

It's not I watched frank tv stuff the show you came on with me and and I go Oh, man, I should have watched the editing of this because this is really written well But by the time it got through three different layers of editing they chopped out all the air And it's you need space you need time in between lines and you can't cut out setups Because if you don't have the setups, it's just a bunch of punch lines and there's no context To what the joke is it's not a joke if it's just a punch line It's a setup that doesn't make sense Yeah, if you don't have a setup in the joke you need you need to say why did they go to the store to

Why did the chicken cross the road if you just said to get to the other side? What's why I don't get it and that's what a lot of times they would do on My show when I watch I go. Oh, man, they're just doing to get to the other side. They're not doing the setup in it I don't even know how it got there and it's Comedy's evolved. I think too like look at your podcast your comedian. You're known as a funny person You're funny in the moments That need to be funny the rest of the time you're interesting and I I started this podcast with these guys It's all about comic books and superheroes and stuff like that because I wanted to show people a different side of me

And I said don't try to be funny on it and it is it's it's it's all interrupting each other It's it's like try to be interesting be interesting and people will care because I mean even your voice Joey your voice I listen you have that deep base in your voice And you have a way to talk and and you get to it But I want I'm willing to listen and wait And it pays off a lot of time to find out. I want to know what you did and how you got to that But you have that it's a lot of people

They don't they just want to be funny and trying to be funny That's that's the one liner guy we talked about podcast. Yeah the podcast I I caught it early on people trying to be cute It's not gonna work. There's everybody's funny. Hey, I've caught myself I've caught myself 10 times going. Hey, do I try and do this little bitty thing here? And I go I know it's that that's not this place this place is Just talk and like because it's different I don't know if it's different for you You can tell me if you feel the same way

But when I go on like a radio station or something like that and I'm on there for 20 minutes or however long I've got a job to do and that's sell tickets Because I want to make the money there Here it's more like I want to be in your world. I want to be part of you If I came in here with jokie In the first 10 minutes, you're going. Hey great podcast and I love say the word podcast podcast I don't know why when because we had a time issue thing And it was it cracked me because it made me realize it made me learn something about podcast too

You you've actually taught me a lot and a little bit of time Is you have a brand you care about it. You want it to be something don't mess with it and get and I Sometimes just get my podcast Over with if we don't have something I feel is great because at the beginning you're just trying to figure your way out But I said, hey, I got to catch this 430 flight. I got to be out of here 330 and do you text you don't text a lot You call right because I have the second text. I'm not going to text. Yeah Just pick up the fucking phone. I've just picked up the fucking phone Jesus Christ And I have trouble with it. It's like people on facebook

How are you doing? I'm doing great And then you go back to doing what you're doing and they now they want to have a conversation And I'm like, listen, that's not going to happen. I don't give you the how you're doing I just go right into the questions, but I realized early on it's going to be a phone call So actually I got to get we were going to record this at 2 o'clock and like I got to catch a 430 flight out of Burbank It's only 10 minutes. I got to get out there about 315 can and I realize You know, I do 45 minute podcasts right now Because we don't have the audience. We're not we're trying to build we're trying to find out who we are

I think it's a waste of time for me to do that much time. So I didn't realize you'll just go until you feel it's over And no we're wrapping up here. No, I want to go as long as I've been doing them Sure, listen, nobody has the stamina to go three hours Lee nobody could sit there for three, but I'm not I'm not saying I want to do no no no I told you something. It's like if you call me tomorrow, right? It's a joey. I want you to be on frank tv I love you joey. Don't come in at 8 o'clock in the morning Just show up around 2 30 and I go to you Frank I got to leave at 3 30 you're gonna go. You know what?

I don't want to put you through that and I don't want to put myself through right Because this guy's going to be taping and the whole time. He's talking about the traffic on the 405 I don't need that. I should I what I should on both ends No, no what I should have done because I'd already changed the time on you a couple times trying to fix things I was trying to say hey I really want to do this and I didn't want to make it earlier And then what I should have done is called you and realized then we don't have a text to look back at and you see How many times I've changed you're not gonna find remember so it's like

Then you said I and I got scared. I'm like, I know I want to do this This is where I'm trying to go in my career life or whatever I couldn't wait to be here like I did I did a lot of things this in these last couple days in l How long have you been in that life? Well, just two days. What do you think? I mean, how when did you let me but let me let me finish let me finish But when you said let's just do it another time I got scared to death and that's when I called you like or you called me and I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no Mr. T s can we please

Please please please please can we do like I was like no and then you said well, let's do it at one one I want to give No, my guest justice, but it taught me that I learned something and not even that it it's the show and you were a hundred percent right Don't try and fit it in do it right and I like I can do it right and then we even you said 130 I'm like, I can be there at one. You're like, I'll be there at one. We were here 12 30. I it's Frank, you know, it's like

You shoot Monday through Thursday Everybody knows Frank caliendo least fucking Friday to make his real money He's doing a favor for you And all of a sudden I come at you before you wrap and go you got to be here tomorrow through 10, Frank Right, even though your flights at 2 are you gonna focus? Yeah, you can't Can't focus 100 we learned I learned this is a I learned this during analyze that In 2002 when they said I was the first scene up and you'll be out of there by 2 o'clock So I booked rascals today and guess what happened when I got there

You can't shoot early the bar won't let you shoot till 4 o'clock I'm like, oh no, I got the whole weekend that rascals opening up a rocky la Port It's Wednesday night and now I'm trying to say you and rocky la Port He didn't like me now Now I'm trying to open up the fucking I'm trying to do my line and I can't because I'm thinking about the 32 minute ride Right to rascals. So that's why I say to people that give me a time When did you move to arizona? When did you decide on arizona? Uh, you were right here for a while Yeah, I had a house on uh, cold water ventura somewhere around and I was originally owned by bud avat

Which was part of the reason I bought the house from avatincastello right behind the Ralph's over there and um So I think I'm I my daughter was born. I didn't want to raise my kids in la I'm like I think I just want to In phoenix was a place where it was a lot of people from the midwest who just didn't want to be cold anymore I just felt like so much was fake out here. I didn't trust anything and I was like We can either move way out and then I might as well just fly in to the airport anyways So that was uh, 13 years ago. So 13 years ago I I was either gonna be vegas or because I thought I might work there

But then I looked at vegas and like there's a obviously a terrible place to raise kids too So I settled on phoenix and like that because it's just real every day regular people my wife's from cleveland Uh, she would she I think she liked that more the the desert scape. Uh, you know, not a lot of grass. She missed that but in terms of You know, just having a neighborhood It was it was the right move because we we have like really nice neighborhood. Everything's right around us and it's pretty safe feeling um So I was even shooting my show the frank tv show. I was flying in to do that every week

Uh, and I had two guys freddy lockhart and uh, mike mccray. They were living at my house I just had him used to mike. Yeah, is that yeah? Yeah, yeah, uh, yeah, he's a brilliant guy too. He showed up to a car. I knew him before you got the show Okay from houston as a feature. Yeah, and then uh, you know now, I think he lives in austin now Yeah, but he's kind of like me where he went and did his own thing Yeah, he just have a family people come here and they go. This isn't for me. Yeah, I like it. I get it and he's brilliant He's brilliant. I mean, I think he's ended up doing let him in Yeah, he did I actually think I helped him get on that was an impressionist thing

Right and impressions. I'm like, you got to see this guy. He does this incredible Harrison Ford And uh, eddie brill might have seen him before that or something like that But they they brought him on and he just he just slayed he's he's really really good and Just a brilliant writer as a as a stand-up comedian Um, and he did a bunch of cartoon voices, I think and I think he was even the voice of buzz light year for some Toys. Yeah, so he did a bunch of things But that was one where I was trying to get more people on my show. They're like wanted to be the frank caliendo show Just frank I'm like, how about some other people and they let me have a couple cast members

And those were the guys that got picked melissa villas and yore She was she was on the show and I love going back and looking at people's bios because it's so funny And now because she was on america's got talent or one of the I think that's the show her first show She made her television debut on um On america's got talent. No. No. No. No. No. She was on frank tv Not that it matters, but I was like I've been erased from history there. Come on I had a couple people on I'm very proud that I fought for And because I got you on my I'm my mdb. Yeah, well people

People were but people There were people that the the network or the producers like no, I'm like no this I really want this person on I think that they're funny. They're my name be about 100 right, but they'll be funnier than the people you've got That you're bringing into me in this situation. I think it's the right person I would fight funny I would fight for my own person something more than I'd fight for myself at times And I think I'm actually better at that because I I just I don't know some self-worth kind of thing or something along the way My dad used to tell me that he's like frank. You don't have any confidence. I'm like I but I don't know

It's just me. It's where I'm coming from. It's who I am So you got to have confidence you still work for fox No, no, no because I went to ESPN a couple years ago. It's so funny I haven't been on the NFL on fox for years and people still think I'm on that Um On that football show because I was there for nine years. I've been gone for probably eight myself No best damn sports. No, that's not even on anymore. No, but you I did some of that That's how they got me that that's how I got that show

Is because I went on and did a bunch of other impressions other than john madden And jimmy kimmel was leaving and a couple other people were going to audition and there were some pretty big people it was um, it was billy gardell and uh craig um Plays that he's very funny. He was in the office craig robinson Brilliantly funny. They did a point counterpoint thing. Jeff dunham was going to do a thing with puppets every week and I got the job And dunham wrote about it in his book

He told me like that was the best thing that ever could have happened for him That he didn't get that job because he started working on some other things and doing some different stuff But I got that job and it was perfect for me for the time, but I got lazy I started just I didn't there was should have been a second job I made it a first and got complacent with it. I was like I'm making a lot of money and I'm really happy right now And but it was such a big thing, but I also didn't fight for myself to be me in anything I I should have fought to have myself in some of the sketches as myself like playing off the characters or something

Which I ended up doing some on frank tv, which really helped But then it was just I was just the impressions and you couldn't you can't get other stuff from that They need to see you be something else Rob wriggle does that show now and he does the characters and it plays himself and Yes, and he plays other he gets other movie parts He was in movies before great movies and stuff like that But you play other things and people only see is one thing. I just pigeonholed myself so much into that that

I'm looking at it going I should have done that differently fought for myself to be uh You know Give a little more of myself one of the when the first ones it didn't work. They put me at a bar I'm not a I never had a I'd never been drunk And I'm a bartender and I'm throwing to the impression thing And it was kind of a weird thing they wanted because kimmel was on a couch, which made some I'm like I should be on a couch

I'm a regular guy. That's what I am if there's anything I'm gonna play It's the your neighbor who has you know a couple kids or something like that. I'm not the bartender I'm pretending to be a bartender right there from what we talked about the very beginning Truth there's no truth in it. It didn't work And I do find truth in the impressions believe it or not. It seems like it might be the opposite But it's really me coming through the impression but I was I was faking it. I just I just did what they said they're like let's make you a bartender a pizza delivery guy

And then you become the character and I said yes, okay looking for the gimmick. It was too gimmicky They cut it out and I just went straight to the impressions of the sketch But it didn't do anything for me in terms of helping me build a career It just made me the guy who puts the the wig on and the makeup and now you're the impression The john man never end up talking to you. Yeah, I made it. I made his grandkids laugh at the super bowl one time Uh, this was in dallas at the four seasons hotel and jimmy johnson stand the next one football coach Not the race car driver. I'm like jimmy. Do you believe I'm close this close to john? I was like what yeah many taps man on the shoulder man looks like what is oh and the look on his face when he saw me

Was pure horror. It was like that's the guy, you know, like it's like when shaggy and scooby see the bad guy pop out of the Bear like let's get out of here scoob. It was this terrible look that went over his face and um But I made his grandkids laugh and was grandkids laugh was like I got it like it came through said I'm like can I get a picture with you and up until then he'd hated me And I know that's true because Network executives. It told me like I did a commercial. All right. I This is almost a joey ds level commercial. Uh, but a little safer, but on the same side, so

there's um A commercial where john madden's gonna sing with some uh, NASCAR driver Sing christmas carols and I go I they wanted me to audition for it. I go first of all I'm not auditioning for a john madden voiceover as his voice You can either just there's a lot of things I would audition for that's not one of them Listen, just listen to me somewhere and you'll know I'm the guy who's pigeonholed himself as john mad So I go and I'm like

There I'm like, what's the song just not roasting on an open fire And it sounds like him and like this is unbelievable. By the way, I made them pay me to go to the audition I don't know if anybody's ever done that before I made them pay me $1,500 to audition for something and they said we don't pay for an audition. That's ridiculous. I go He's not going to let it happen. So this is the job The job is me spending my time to go in there. You need to pay me $1,500. So they paid me $1,500 after seeing a tape I did it. They're like, this is incredible. You sound exactly like him and

He saw it asked who it was or the management asked or made me an agent and I didn't get the job And they like they were all crazy like this is incredible. You're right on the money We didn't think we'd find anything like and then you watch the commercial I watched I saw the commercial one day later And it's like just not roasting all it open fire Like it's like they wanted completely joking. They could have had it and there's a way before that that uh That for the this there's the story at the hotel But then he met me and realized hey, I'm just a regular guy. I'm just I'm having fun with this. It's a joke It's it's not

To try and destroy him a lot of people think when you do an impression of them You're trying to destroy and hurt them. It's a form of flattery. It can be but it's also they're worried It's going to hurt their money. I don't think some of them don't care about unless it's a bad fucking pressure Right It's a great impression like what you were doing to him is great. Alec Baldwin is fucking the president is horrible Well, he's angry. I mean it's just an angry thing and it's only going to get that show just every time I watch that show I want to when I do Trump here's the thing This is a tough thing for me because I have an audience my audience is across the board and I always want to respect people

No matter where they are even if I disagree with them in comedy My job is to be silly kind of steve martin thinking like I want to I want to get you out there And and I want you to forget stuff even if I'm going to do a trump I can't not do a trump impression because He's out. He's everybody knows him the audiences are so segmented nobody watches the same stuff like p things winning emmy's are marvellous marvellous miss mazel and mazel and all these different great shows But it's so segmented nobody knows everybody knows politicians and a lot of people know sports

But i'm going to go out there and I have people walking out just because I go that was the number one Impression and people are just mad because it's trump and they might be a huge trump support. I'm like listen and not Whatever i'm not trying to make you mad. Just listen to jokes and i'm talking about a personality. I did it with bush I did it with obama. I did it everywhere with all these people now all of a sudden I can't just make you know easy not easy, but like non political jokes. There's nothing political about this. It's just silly But I walk that line and if you decide that you hate me because i'm doing that or I get this too You're not being mean enough to trump. What do you mean? That's not who I am You mean to not you want me to be angry about I don't there's things. I don't like I get it

I get why you might not like it might I get why somebody I also understand Somebody might like him because of something because they've compartmentalized. We all do that in life like I mean it's terrible, but Listen, it'll help me and if you're ever that's everybody's out there for themselves in some way Don't admit that you are you'd be people won't admit that they wouldn't admit we're all selfish We all have a selfishness about them about ourselves Admit that so I'm out there and my selfishness is I'm trying to make money And I'm trying to offend as least amount of people possible and just be silly I'm not going to be as angry as as you know

It it feels like when alex baldwin is doing that They feel like he's playing to a very specific audience and that's fine. You can do that because he's got that audience He's at that level of an actor. I'm playing for everybody I still travel a lot I Yes and no, it's up and down depending on what my kids are doing. So I'll go do a date here and day there when I'm working on now is I'll go to do um

I will go and do A night and work on I like doing clubs a lot more because I'm working on changing who I am so the club I can get that feeling of the the closest the proximity of the audience And I can try a lot of stuff that I'd never try on a theater stage or a casino stage You know, you go to the casino Those are 50 60 dollar tickets to go up there and goof around And then I don't live in LA to go do a bunch of guest sets all the time and work on stuff I work on stuff

I go do an hour hour and 15 minutes and 20 minutes will be totally different stuff And sometimes another 10 minutes of goofing around and then I'll give them the best stuff that they some people paid to see Because there's people who still I'm like a rerun for a lot of people. I mean not on tv But on on stage people will come to see certain things and it's you know, it's like it's it's like a brian reagan thing Or he's gonna cup of dirt and people are calling stuff out um So traveling. Yes, and I picked the times. I just picked the times when they find you these savages

at frank onstage.com is the easiest I'm there's a couple california dates. Uh, there's uh, I'm doing the improv and in a little bit I'm not sure when we're airing exactly. So, uh, Niagara Falls at the Seneca Niagara. It's a great club. Yeah fantastic. I love that there's um Houston improv. I'm not sure place. Uh, yeah, and and the the Niagara show show will be a little bit different rich richfield, canada kid at the At the richfield playhouse, but that's a smaller 500 cedar. I can I can mess around a little bit there um, but at uh at frank caliando on twitter at frank caliando ester instagram

I've been working on the instagram make you take a couple pictures with me. Um, because I neglected that I didn't Yeah, today's world is that's all that it's it's it's it's a mistake that I made and I look back and go I bet on vine and twitter and twitter's all angry people and information direct And or directly at you and uh vine died went away and the instagram is good. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's been gone for a while Jesus, that's how I'm glad if I am. Yeah, well, I look at you like your instagram You got 800,000 or a million or something like that. I go wow, that's it and the podcasting side if I am I plugging too much right now But I started doing that

I al jackson and I you know al no other name. He's very very funny guy Did the had a thing that went viral a couple years ago. I saw him. I'm like Wow, this is this is what I want to do. I want to talk That's it's called al and frank try to be serious And it's we actually talk about political topics without being political. That's like You want to say that itunes? Yeah, itunes and everything. That's uh We haven't even tried to put it on something bigger yet because we're still developing right now and trying to find Our complete voice. We've only been doing like a couple months

So, you know how it is you start to get along the way and you start to feel it and then you start to bring guests on and Then you can do newer things and we're just making sure our camera because we he does it from denver And i'm in phoenix and we do it over the internet So and we've got that down, but now when you bring a guest in it's it's a little bit more difficult So and I think that's really how you grow you have interesting guests and uh, you know Everybody's social media merges and everybody talks about each other and your other audiences find you like most of my audience like I think That I don't know the last time I sat and we've been sitting here for what hour and a half or something like that Oh, yeah, I'm not again. I'm not worried about that. I got plenty of time. Okay. You do. Oh, yeah

um When's the last time I sat down and just talked with somebody for this long I threw a couple voices in some people remember. It's me, but it's like This is me. This is who I am People see that a little bit and that's why I started that comic playground podcast that's on itunes 2 It's so people can see another version of me and I'll do all the stuff I'll do the puppet show that's part of what I do is throwing that stuff in here and there But when people like we said at the very beginning we know you know where i'm coming from it's easier to latch on

It's easier to Know the purse it's better to know I was so I've always been so amazed I go and watch somebody like lewis black and there are elements of polished stuff But he's just talking at times. You just you do it too. You can just tell the story you talk But it bring them down a humanity level. Yeah, but it's hard to do like in but when people you've have you ever opened for a music act Yes People go there with the mindset of I want to listen to music and you're up there doing jokes and

I I'm my own band playing after myself because people are waiting for the impressions And i'm just talking for a while. Here's this is one like years ago This is right. I think it was after I might have been before vegas I don't know what was but saline deans people wanted me to go on the road with saline deans to open for saline I'm like What audience do you think I like i'm known for sport stuff? I Have a lot more to me, but that's what I've shown people But i'm definitely not for saline deans audience unless it's for all the husbands and boyfriends

Could you imagine like I couldn't even Think about like I would have died and what they ended up getting was a singing impressionist Which okay, that makes sense You didn't want the guy who at the time did the john madden And the uh, you know the president bush or whatever was there at the time like Okay, at least that I know why they came for me, but they were they were offering like money It wasn't incredible money, but it was good money to go tour with saline d on a lot of people just said yes I'm like, I'm gonna tank at this. It's just I'm and I don't want to adapt

No, you know people have opened up a chair and died. That's a that's two different fucking. Yeah, I like stand up You know if it's the almond brothers. I'm an od I'm in you know, I'm saying if I don't want to ban and do drugs Fuck the left over with motley crew and get syphilis. I'm in but I'm gonna open up saline d on and drink bottled water That's the fuck out of here We are so the same person. Yeah, if there's one thing I've learned today You and I are mirror images of each other in life for saline. Yeah, I'm gonna stab myself in there I've lived such a clean. I've lived a pretty I've listened. I've I've got flaws and I've been a pretty bad person at times in my life

But I you're one of those guys. It's like when I watched tombstone and watched val kimmer play doc holiday I wanted to be somewhere along the line. You fuck somebody in the ass College you came in somebody's mouth. You ain't no fucking angel frankly Next time you're in town, you're always welcome on a lot to come back. Thank you very much for taking the time Thank you, phoenix and call me and I'll get you up on sagura. Oh, yeah, let's do a little let's get you out Oh, I'd love that. Yeah. Oh for a couple weeks get your head together. Yeah, and call me and go Well, yeah, I'm gonna start recommend them. I'll put you around. I love that. Yeah, I'm gonna start networking. Yeah, you have to This is like I personally you did listen. I remember people would go this motherfucker gets up at four

And cause three fucking radio stations every day. You invented this It was a chain. I did I did the game just changed. Yeah, you invented this You were the one that Put the a fucking listen. Let me tell you about opportunities missed There was a time I was the number one thing on youtube Before cat that has a heart attack You know something like that took over. I was the number one thing on youtube with the bush versus clinton Uh comparison now this is before subscribe. I don't have I have almost no subscriptions because I didn't follow up on it

Uh, the original one still gets a couple thousand hits a day and it's bill clinton versus george w bush How are they alike and how are they different kind of thing? But there was a like writers and bloggers were calling it the frank caliendo effect before youtube was the thing I was number one on it for a while and this is and this is before history of dance It still probably only has 15 million things, but I had two million when people had 10 000 it's time you like gladiator. It's time to get fucking rome back. You know what I'm saying? It's time to get rome back I want to thank

I want to thank the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for listening to the show and supporting us every week Your plug your commercials at the beginning your sponsors. Maybe i've never heard anybody. I fucking use it Yeah, no, I think it's unbelievable. You're all you gotta sell It's all right now. We're living in an r-rated world If you whoever does r-rated commercials on the internet first, it's gonna make millions of dollars Everybody else is just pulling flowers. It's memorable. I can't I want to I you're the only I told me yesterday How many how many actual campaigns you're like my uncle you're getting angry. How many I gave you a compliment

You're getting angry. How many actual commercial campaigns are there anymore? That you would get a call 10 years ago and say you're shooting 10 key of commercials You're shooting four key of commercials. There's no more campaigns, right? It's all on the internet. So when somebody comes up and goes, hi harry's plumber. Let me unplug your asshole for you That guy is gonna fucking get a thousand calls that day I want to thank frank the christ killer and I want to thank you guys for supporting the show and go see frank in Connecticut Houston and senica, you know, I love you mother fuckers and you canadians come down and watch frank

Don't learn something stop fucking sitting up there Looking at a flag with a leaf on it All right, I want to thank frank. I want to thank the fucking christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. Do not forget There's one show available the late show For uh saturday night and mil mil walkie. You guys are gonna rock. It's myself and dean del re Minneapolis is all fucking sold out. We didn't add a second show mil walkie. We got the second show We're ready for you. Get ready to rock bring the reefer bring the harrowing

Bring them a sugar pills. Whatever you got. We'll fucking going deep. All right, like I said, I want to thank frank I want to thank the christ killer, but you guys always headed out of the park Oh, and now for a word from our sponsors. Let me tell you something. All right Quip is the better electronic tooth of the electric toothbrush created by dentists and designers Quip was designed to make brushing your teeth more simple affordable and even enjoyable One of the most important things we do for our health every day is brushing our teeth Yeah, most of us do not do it properly. All right, number one They got a multi

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Nice and motherfucking early kick this mule Lee You Turn down the lights turn down the bed Turn down these voices inside my head Lay down with me Tell me no lies Just hold me close Don't patronize

Don't patronize Don't patronize me Cause I can't make you love me if you don't You can't make your heart feel Something it won't Hear in the dark In these final hours I will lay down my heart

And I feel the power But you won't No, you won't Cause I can't make you love me If you don't Oh I close my eyes Then I won't see

The love you don't feel When you're holding me The morning will come And I'll do what's right Just give me to them To give up this fight And I will give up this fight To give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me if you don't You can't make your heart feel Something it won't Hear in the dark In these final hours I will lay down my heart And I feel the power But you won't

No, you won't Cause I can't make you love me If you don't No, you won't Cause I can't make you love me