Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #677 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Tom Papa, a stand up comedian seen on Netflix, Comedy Central and the host of the "Come to Papa" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive Oh shit when black people were black people there was no Jesse Smollett's when this song came out motherfuckers This is jungle boogie Fucking people up Yeah This song kills me about this song Tom Papa Came out with pulp fiction. Yeah, and all those little faggy kids started jumping up and down thinking they heard it for the first I'm just on came out when I was in the sixth grade really I still remember going like dance

You know, yeah, you dance and like dancing to this and losing your mind with high heels and bell bottoms issue Little Trying to get a chain I wore like one chain with a with Mary on it the mother Mary There you go. I thought it was cool I was always like trying to get get the chain like lined up just inside the the collar So it looked cool. So the girls would see it. It's so goofy. Now. You're from Jersey. Yes, sir No city at all Jersey born and bred Jersey born and bred born and Pasek, okay at st. Mary's Hospital know it well and then

move to Park Ridge Park Ridge in Jersey, then I moved right next door to Wilcliffe Lake and that was it Their parents work in the city. My father did my father works in the city for a while Yeah, the train or the bus. I Think he drove did he? Oh, yeah, back then you would drive But he didn't do it the whole way like then he then he Started working in North Jersey after that like it kind of shifted. He was in sales

he sold like early like communication stuff and And then he was always like commuting around there. He had one commute where he got a job in hop hog New York, which is out like the ass and the Long Island all the way from Jersey all the way to Long Island He did that for like a year and that was brutal. I remember they tried to call me a couple years ago We got a great gig for you Long Island on Friday night eight o'clock. Oh, fuck your mother You know what that lii whatever the fuck Friday everybody goes, you know, it's like the Jersey Shore now. Yeah kids. Yeah, you leave the night before right? Like you leave that at when the bars closed. Yeah, you went straight down the shore fucking lit

That's didn't stop for tolls Yeah, no cameras nobody stopping you know nothing and you and but you cruise the whole way We cruise the whole way. I hear now. It's bumper to bumper. I remember how to talk Sebastian out of it Like I actually had to talk about she was doing Vinnie's fun house down the Jersey Shore He's like, yeah, me and my wife are standing in the city. Go. Are you fucking crazy? He I go there's a hotel down. They go. Yeah, I went last time, but there was sand everywhere I go listen on Fridays and Saturdays. You ain't driving back and forth. No, that's a Saturday late wouldn't be too bad because it's all the renters come in Saturday morning

So Friday night and Saturday morning are brutal and then once that's over then you can kind of do it But we were Long Beach Island. My family had a place there forever. How beautiful that was white. Oh my god We were kids. We were also savages LBI was white people. I did a little chubby girl from LBI Because houses It was so nice beach you had Mellow mellow between seaside and you and you can see the water turn yellow immediately in seaside with that Guido juice There's no boardwalk there's like very low liquor sale. How is it now? It's the same. It's exactly the same It took a real hit during Sandy

During Hurricane Sandy the ocean met the bay and I remember I was in New York with my power off in the village Living there during Sandy and we had no power but I was able to like Generator it and went online and saw a picture from a helicopter of Long Beach Island which is where I've been going since I was a you know, four years old and It Joey, I didn't think it would ever come back. It looked like this is just gone it was just water and Like the tops of homes and the water towers stuff like that and you I really thought well, that's that's it

But then he you know, it's subsided and now it's okay It's you know, they have to really build up the beach and do all this other stuff But it's it's just the same as it always was when I was a kid It was LBI and then there was one a little deeper. That was that's where class went, right? That's where people would class. Yeah. Well, there's like Avalon and no Cape May Cape May That's when people went nobody yelled on the streets No fucking, you know, you had to drive south though

That was the thing the further you drove from the city, right nicer God because you know, it was uh, you know You're drinking in the city and just go to whatever beach is close But if you want to take your family, you had to put like two and a half hour drive in and then it started to like kind of calm down But uh, there's the one. What's the one that doesn't sell alcohol? Uh Between Atlantic City and I remember yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember which I don't remember the name of it There was some space space under the name, but yeah, there's a lot of towns are the smart they go We don't want that corruption. That's the thing in town in the summer. Yeah, right exactly

I remember being a kid and going I wouldn't even noticing then going yeah We'd be parking on side streets in front of people's houses All right walking two blocks with a case of beer yelling with flip-flops Right exactly like who the fuck yeah, and I would feel bad. I was always a gentleman that yeah I never started problems or people they said look, but you're loud You don't even realize it when you're a kid when you're a kid It's and I started like I did the whole short thing. Yeah, like I started with like the first you go to the shore. That's by Not asbury Heights. Yes. There's a very park. Yeah, there's the beach next to it. No bueno

The first time I went down where did you quit? Where were you living? I was living in Hudson County in a town called North Bergen. That's North Bergen next to Union City and O'Boken right? Yeah, yeah, water. I'm what they call a real deal tunnel right? Yeah, that is Yeah, that's my fucking life. Yeah, but The shore Like we live in California, right? I don't go there. I don't go down there I go down there once a year with the baby to the beach and we go to Orange County and don't you miss it like I mean It's not weird. We're in California and we're not at the beach like in they lived in New Jersey

You're at the beach all the time Isn't it strange? I you know, California is very deceiving because when you grow up on the East Coast It's all used all they they don't show you Glendale They never show you They never show you the valley. They always show you No, not even they always show you Redondo Beach. Yeah That's immaculate and you're like, I can't wait to move to California. They don't show you long beach You know people on bicycles and gang bangers and shit at each other

Then I'll show you know, no, you're right all this they show you the beach Yeah, so I've been coming here since I was eight nine. Why is my uncle's here? Mother's brother had a bar here. He came from Cuba went to New York City and like it came here He came here as a maintenance man for an actor. He had a TV show. He told me the guy's name He's a popular guy. He met him in New York. He lived in the building, right? The guy took a liking for him and said if you want to live in the guest house I got a TV show so the TV show lasted one season. I got canceled and my uncle said one I got to go back to New York, right?

So he met a chick you open the bar, but I I still remember coming out here the first time. Oh, wow Like I was very disappointed Even as an eight-year-old Disneyland was kicking and the Dodger game was on fire, but he lived in Glendale would be it looks like Jersey to me Yeah, it looks like Yeah, like not the good parts, you know, you go on Lancashire and Burbank Boulevard. Yeah, they haven't done construction. This is 1950 Bob Hope Bruce Lee walk those things Yeah fucking death. Yeah, the more north you go you like what the fuck are these people been doing on it for 30,000 years

This looks like a fucking die and it's all concrete and the light is so harsh harsh Tell if my sunglasses are on or off. It's so bright and just you know like tire shops and Dirty to me Sandy like it looks like there's a big dust storm or something and you like immediately think like where are the rich people and you like Oh, they're in Beverly Hills. They're in Malibu. They're in you know, Laguna You're like, oh, that's the nice beach and that's where we're not going I take like the girls Huntington Beach As a bridge to the fucking beach they give you nice house free

Brouts all included nice. It's your own little private beach and it's all for kids That's great at night. The kids have a movie they cook hot dogs s'mores. Yeah They give marshmallows It's three days of paradise and they got two dairy queens Not one real fucking dairy Queens I There's not a lot of dairy queens out here. No, it's not it's such a disappointment when I then Montvale There was a dairy queen that our football coach owned. Oh

Yeah, and it was a drive-up. It was like the only thing it was on it wasn't a strip mall It was just a dairy queen in a parking lot and you just pull up and there'd be cute girls and your friends and you just get a Slurpee, I mean a a blizzard and hang out on your car. Oh, it was a dream and then we came out here No, dairy Queens is very hard to find a nice purple blizzard But if no ice cream float that motherfucker in the summer, I like the butter finger you drink all the grape juice You mix the ice cream with the ice like a Puerto Rican I was a godbone, you know growing up look at me. I'm a fucking godbone. I would go in there medium hot fudge And a fucking grape thing with a float and there's in

Best wait like grape soda was it's no, it's just a slush. Oh, it's a thing Oh, it's a slush. What's the misty they don't have mr. Misty mr. Misty Does they have it right? Yeah, but now the mr. Misty. You're right They put a misty a blob of the ice cream on ice cream on the purple. Oh my god. I like the green I was a purple motherfucker green all the way I'm a carvel guy. Are you I'm a big time and a car better than Dairy Queen. Yeah I'm a big time in the world to New York City when it comes to carbide I took the cake on my birthday because there's there's some of those out here in my house

There's a carvel cake every birthday my wife me and the baby We get carved up cakes everything else is background. Which cookie which cookie puss No, we get a little circle with the vanilla with the chocolate sprinkles. You make your wife get it, too Yeah, nobody's got a choice. It's tradition. It's Cuban tradition. You got to go over fucking Tom Carval I would get a double cone vanilla chocolate with colored sprinkles and whipped cream and I'll get a chocolate shake thin Sipping the shake and then like a gavone I would dip the ice cream How are you

In 1993 I drank a carvel milkshake every day every day every day on the way home from Fort Lee to Cliffside I'd stop at that any Eddie Murphy owned by Englewood Cliffs No, Cliffside Park border with Fort Lee. There was a little shy There was a detail shop And that was Eddie Murphy's one brother because they were living in Cliffs and around the corner was a carvel And I was an open Micah in 93. When did you start? 91 in 91 in Denver though. Oh in Denver. Denver. How'd that happen? I was living in Boulder And then I went back to that makes no sense. No

Yeah, I went back to New York to see what the real scene was right Cuz I started 93 So I've just missed yeah, I used to do the New York comedy club with Mikey Buschetti That was my first spot in New York comedy. I'm saying. Yeah, just each other somewhere. Just yeah 93 Just start you went to college. I went to college a degree Communication no theater. No, nothing. Yeah, okay. You did all that. I didn't my degree wasn't in theater but I went to the school I was an athlete my whole life and I Specifically went to Ryder College in New Jersey because it didn't have football

So my father was like, maybe you'll play division three and keep going and I was like, I'm done I've been I've been playing football since I was kindergarten and There's 12 years later. I'm I've done it. I'm done. How do you feel? How do I feel? I believe they're doing all this shit with for like football numbers. Yeah, I feel fine across the board Yeah, I know I grew up in a bunch of like I I watched that on HBO sports Numbers are down and they're trying to even get girls to play football now to be punters Uh-huh and field goal kickers because the numbers are so down in football. Yeah, I know well

Everybody's so scared of the head trauma and all this but I you know, I took a lot of Hits to the head, but yeah, it depends where you're like, you know, I was in suburbia. It was you know, a lot of white kids Not not not many of those monsters. Yeah, pass guy kills. That's group four. Yeah, it was a good school I play fucking at the towards the end. You play brick. It was tough. I say it. Yeah Well, you know when say it came to play us in like a scrimmage and stuff It was like, all right if I'm getting hit by that guy that was like Hayward iron head Yeah, I play one. Yeah, he plays and that guy was like a man playing among boys. There was a kid in brick called peep panuska Peep panuska had a head didn't even fit in the helmet. He was killing people

Yeah, like if you got hit by guys like that, I could see it being a problem But when you're just bouncing around other kids from Bergen County, you're probably not gonna be in danger And I took some hits. I remember like, you know Wasabi behind the eyes kind of like poof, but it was fine. I think it's fine I my father though who played all the time. Did he really play he was like a big time in Clifton, New Jersey And he was like state championship like this is when high school football Like the entire town was out with their hat their fedoras and their trench coats watching kids play football thousands of people watching these kids play football and

He was like the star and he did it and loved it and it was like, you know, he's still known in Jersey What is this day Tom Papa really? yeah, and He didn't want my nephews to play Because his shoulders messed up and his knees messed up and it's just any can't lift his arm And it was just like he talked to my nephew I mean, this was his life and he even coached me in high school. He came into the program to Be a part of it and he was like and then in the aches started settling in and he's like

I don't know if you should play football You know, it's weird because I didn't after I watched that HBO sport thing about a month ago I was on right after the Super Bowl right around the time. Yeah, I Did an inventory of the kids that were number one just to let you know and you could we can look this up right now in 1978 My high school got ranked number one on the East Coast Wow We were we played Snyder in seven to six we beat Snyder and they had Walker Lee Ashley who went on to the Minnesota Vikings and who won against the Raiders on a Monday night football interception

He was a linebacker. Wow. So all right. What was school you North Bergen high when I was a freshman Yeah, you know those kids had played together since they were five Like those those plays they taught you in P. We only got built up So by the time you got to high school, you knew this guy. Yeah, yeah, all those kids I hang out with will always go remember this and I was living in New York at the time Wow, so I didn't play none of that P. We football shit. I played in Jersey in Union City. They had a semi-pro No weight league and I did that for two years When I was in Catholic school, I would do that

I went with it the games were Saturdays and they would let me practice rec They they told me I didn't need to practice or did that and it was okay by the time I got the high school I was a basketball player. Yeah, I was a basketball player. So it's a no football. No, I went my freshman year They wanted me to play freshman year. I showed up. I Played did the scrimmage against Dickinson where Blondie went to right and a fight broke out And I was so you know, I had dedicated my life to basketball. Yeah, yeah, five-star basketball Okay, booze down at Vineland position. I was a forward for it I was a forward and then my freshman year didn't start it cracked me

Turned the drugs and my mother died that that was the end of my school But I can still the last night was watching the answer double-a Oh, yeah, and some kid goes like you in 79th Street taking it to the hoop. I was a really good Oh, it's so wild the coach didn't like me. I just didn't like me. Oh really and just but he cracked me for years I thought about going back and shoot them like I was like, I gotta shoot this guy cuz yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, yeah now that he has impact So when I was done with it, I I was like out Ryder College had no football they got kicked out of the league for something and I was like, I'm going here because they had theater and

I always wanted to be a comedian since it was a kid but I my parents wanted me to get a degree so I'm in school going for this communications degree, but I immediately to the theater department and Start auditioning and taking classes and I got in the plays and that was it all my time was spent acting in the theater and I got the degree and and got through it, but That's when I realized this is my life. My life is not even hanging with friends as much as I'm There would be parties and they all stuff spring break. Oh, no Acting acting acting theater hanging out there. Just living, you know, cuz you know

To live this life. You can't live the life everyone else lives You're not gonna be partying on the weekends. You're gonna be performing on the weekends You're not gonna be watching the big game on a Thursday night because you'll be in a club You have to have that mindset that you don't belong You don't go to the rhythm of the rest of the world and that's what it in when I was going to theater in college That's when it that shift happened. I remember standing in a wawa in In Lawrenceville, New Jersey on a Friday night When now all my friends were having this rager party and I just came from the from my show

And I'm getting a turkey sandwich at the wawa and thinking I'm so much happier doing this than partying with those Guys at the at the party and that's what I knew. Okay, I'm built for this. I can go I can go do this You were at that age. I dreamt of acting. Yeah, I didn't know about acting classes I thought you would bartend in the city right and then some director would come in and go Hey, which happened a lot when we were when we were kids. Yeah, Bruce Willis and there was somebody else Yeah, Mickey Rourke Mickey Rourke bunch of people so I thought that was the way in and I got a job in Manhattan Nobody ever fucking talked to me about acting Danny Ayo, right? He was the second and seventh

I worked at the Sheridan Center for 18 months. Well, nobody ever fucking talked to me about Van Halen stayed there, you know, I love the idea of you just sitting there thinking this is I'm an actor now You really don't know you know, you don't know until you bump into somebody who schools you and says well Yeah, take an acting class then when I was in Colorado right before I got put away My roommate had a friend that was a camera guy, right and I would Thank him. Yeah, like talk to your buddy dog. Yeah, we need to do to get the movie Well, and I'm like, what do we have to do to get in the movie? So I thought it was just yeah We picked you. Isn't it funny though? Like these like my little journey and your little journey and then we ended up in a movie together

Right to to to yeah One of the worst movies of all time analyze that God bless How great was he to work with? Oh How just in just being there I know the best I'm not even talking about dinner. I'm talking about Ramis The Ramis. Yeah, Harold Ramis. He set me straight. Yeah, he set me straight. Really? Yeah, I tried to pick his brain a little bit very open because I had a reference He was dear friends with a friend of mine in Chicago So my friend took me to a restaurant one night on Monday night was called hold the wall

On the north side of Chicago was a little place and a ramus went there So when I'm he goes come Monday, I went do the riddles Take a fucking cab again. I'm like, I'm making 500 a week. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna take a cab to the North Shore 90 Like what the fuck? I don't have the money. There you go. You're right. I went up there sat down. Yeah, sure enough He came in and he goes, oh, yeah, I'm a nice look. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. So when I went in for a movie for George Ann Walken's partner out here. Uh-huh. I went in for the The one about the guy from the gong show that was in the CIA. Oh, yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, 98

99 can hear yes And she said to me you're not good for this one, but you're good for my next movie Oh, and she goes what and I may believe I'm like what's your next move? She goes analyze that It's the script they're working on it now What I want you to do is send me everything you got All the real I had stand-up real right laugh factory with no sound You know, I had like a couple short films and then I got this film called the mezzo brothers The reason one of the reasons big pussy quit the soprano

We got kind of fired and left was because he took a deal from ABC 2002 I'm sorry. Can I interrupt you for a second? You know, it's so funny about that. I Was like, no, he think he they killed him and pushed him off the boat Like in my mind that show was so good. It's that good that I Didn't even think of show business Of course he something happened with his contract and he got fired or whatever. No, whatever you would ask Yeah, I got money a raise. They'd launch it episodes later you got

Everybody put it together like by the third episode that I don't want to work for 10 points scale Yeah, and they go, okay, no worries. You're dead. We'll look at it after. Oh, I hate episode 6 They said that they wouldn't give you the script till the day the day of yeah, yeah, and then you find that fuck I was about to get a raise. Ah, we figured So funny as soon as you said that I'm like, what do you know? He they killed him and he pushed him up a boat I really believe and I also believe that they're still there in New Jersey. I'm sorry to fuck up. Yeah Oh, right idea. How big pussy was like just people flipped out. Yeah, so he asked for more money They fucked them something. I don't know what really went down

I'm just I'm just telling you what I heard right and at the time ABC had bought a show called the mezzos or some shit Fox, uh-huh called a show called the mezzos about two gay gangsters in Hollywood, right? They worked out of that pink pussy cat theater They drove a Cadillac and shit with convertible Cadillac and they were driving around to the Rita Franklin We're going driving on the freeway of love Fucking hilarious. So I guess they signed it. Bye. Bye. Bye. The deal didn't really get developed They weren't ready for the gay angle. Uh-huh two mops is the gay will flip the fucking

Yeah, flip it right and ABC and Fox and forget it But the guy still kept the rights and he made a short film Ah, I booked a short film and then she gave it. I gave it to Georgian walking and she sent it to whatever in New York and next you know, I got a call They get there's a ticket wait for you code New York and read for how rain And me like an answer I walked home. Hey, remember that night. Oh, yeah, you know, that's great Whatever you could in those days that's 2002 2001 2000. Yeah, that was my first one ever really first one ever How did you book it? I booked it I went for an audition and

got through the first audition and got a call back and you go into go the call back in Midtown, Manhattan and This is my first call back of a film ever, you know, and I get there and the kid comes out and he says, okay so you're gonna read with them you you're next you're gonna read with Bobby and You just do the the first scene. We're just doing the first scene today. I said, okay, great I figure Bobby's like, you know, the the intern the kid working the camera and I walk in and there's Harold Ramis and Robert De Niro

Bobby Oh boy, okay, here we go and I start reading it and I'm in awe I'm gonna be acting great. No, if this if this never gets to the yeah to the movies I'm acting with Robert De Niro and I'm in awe and I start doing it and this son of a bitch Starts losing his place on the on the lines and stops in the middle of the scene and he's mumbling and he's like I don't know where the network page we are. I'm not I'm like in it. I'm like trying to win this

He caught himself because what the fuck he caught myself. Yeah, the Chinese chick was bangin. Yeah Yeah, so I went for wow this is amazing Robert De Niro to screw Robert De Niro was killing me But then I booked it I booked it There was another kid who was reading for it to who I knew from television like I'd seen him in stuff And I was like, oh, so he's gonna get it. I guess that's how it's gonna go and then they I got it I just couldn't believe it. I just got that one scene with De Niro all day long. It was just It was amazing. Very cool. He's very cool. But Ramis but Ramis then Ramis called me Like five years later out of the blue

I'm living out here now and he calls me and Says I have a great idea for a TV show and I want you to be the host I'm like, all right, whatever it is your Harold Ramis, whatever it is He said this is when a pimp pimp my ride was on MTV. He was out, you know, seeing that show I want to do a show called pimp my wife where you take a couple with and the wife isn't as appreciated anymore and You doll her up and you put her in a bar and you makes the husband watch on camera how Attractive she is to other men and you see the other man trying to pick her up and stuff and it rekindles makes him realize

What a valuable beautiful woman. He's married to and Reboots the whole thing and I was like, yeah, that sounds pretty good. I guess I'll do it and I never heard from him again Never happened at that time. I was a little confused about stand-up. Yeah I was really like I was a regular at the store The improv would give me spots once in a while. I didn't go to Montreal like I was like the black fucking horse Yeah, and we sat there because I shot you shot in the city. Yeah, I shot in Carney Oh, really? I shot right where they were shooting the whole soprano shot up the corner Oh, nice, and it was really interesting because they were running two cameras at once

They were doing the b-scene, which was the barbecue Uh-huh and the a camera was me and Anthony Lampogli in the beginning. Oh, and then Anthony would have to fucking We take like an hour break and then Anthony would have to go change into barbecue attire And go over there and I would sit in the front of this bar. This bar was great. Yeah, I was great Yeah, it was you know who got this bar nudge Oh really? Nudge, we went there that day at lunchtime and a bunch of nudge should have played. What the fuck? How can this place be closed? The owner's like, I'm sorry, sis. Just go down the block

You have a little drink on me down the corner So New Jersey really is a different fucking place. Oh, it really is. And I wish I was lying to you. Nudge for nudge came to lunch I know, but you know what's so funny of growing up there like he says that it it makes perfect sense to me Yeah, like yeah, of course, of course Yeah, hilarious, but it was funny because the wind had gotten out that the Nero wasn't enabled Oh, yeah So in between one of those takes the Sun was shining on me. They're like Joey got out of the Sun But let me go to my little fucking trail. I had they took me shopping

They took me shopping like the day I went to wardrobe. They're like you're too big. We don't have nothing for you Let's go shopping. They took a fucking car. You're right. My shirt was 1800 the leather jacket was four Oh, my god, that's what dudes the shoes were for and I'm thinking of robbing this shirt They had already they had already the reputation on me. Every time I wanted that fucking Trailer that AD was was that shirt It was like a two grand silk shirts. They were watching me But this is when I found I never met the Nero. No, I went into my trailer and I sat in the stairs You know, yeah, just to get air. I took my shirt off without like the Guido look

And I'm just sitting there fat and fucked and I'm looking they said that's the Nero's trailer You could tell, you know, yeah, it's quite the size of everybody else across the street. Had it be 3000 people Wow little fence. Yeah, the wooden fence that they roll like the today show morning. Yes And cops and they were all out there barbie. Whatever the fuck they would say. Yeah, I don't think the Nero heard them But I saw the Nero The door walked out some guy walked out then the Nero had that suit on yeah And then she walked down the stairs. They're like people started clapping

He looked at them and he fucking slammed the door and he pulled himself back into the thing Really? And then when I went back they said that he asked to turn the trailer around Because he has like social issues like he has that's what he was thought of in his shit when you were in the room He's a beat you ever see him inside the actor studio now One of the worst episodes You'll ever see on tv. He's a horrible interview horrible. That's why he does it right? Yeah, because he's the on inside the actor studio, you know, like when the guy would say Tell me what you said to yourself

Before you walked into the addition and he would go, you know already what are you asking me for like It's on the paper. What are you asking? It was hard Someone I think Conan or someone like their first show they got Robert Tenero It was like the biggest thing and and it was the same thing horrible. He doesn't like it. He has social issues Yeah, he doesn't really like to you know talk. He's such a big star I mean for you know, especially growing up where we grew up the way we grew up Oh my god, come on and then I ran into him like four years ago like at a party And I was star struck. I was so star struck by seeing him that I forgot we had done a movie together

That's how out of my head. I was at the moment I saw him He's a very tricky guy because yeah when I shot grudge match, I went down there the day early And this is what I noticed. So don't feel bad. You ready for this story? I get there I go to my room. My mom roll a joint I go for a walk And I asked one of the guys, where's the setting goes? Ah today they're shooting two blocks away Just stay on this street and walk down. So I walked out. It was the gym Uh, it was the gym in Louisiana. So I walked in the gym Like everybody shook my hand great to have you want to shoot the scene with LL Cool J

And deniro nice now deniro comes in LL cool. I don't say nothing. I'm sitting 60 yards away. I'm watching. Yeah Slams LL Cool J's hand. They hug fist bump. They talk a little bit. They giggle And then they set up they did the blocking and you know, the blocking was phenomenal Right deniro was like, what the fuck you mean? You're not gonna help me and LL Cool J It's like I'm telling you man. I'm watching that hand. I remember this Yeah, but then when they put the cameras in and they said action the first three takes LL Cool J was like Cut LL. What's happening? Nothing, man. I just can't get my words together. I'm like, what the fuck is up with LL Cool J

Yeah, then he picked it up and then they kept doing it and he finally got out of it The next day was my turn to shoot with it The next day I had one scene with him when he walks in and says you my trainee. It looks like you ate my trainer that that line Yeah For when now he came in joe. Yeah, I don't mr. Deniro call me bobby. Nice to meet you sir. Here's my trainer I ain't doing nice to meet you. I don't say nothing. I don't say nothing about analyze that I don't say nothing. I loved you in this. I shut my fucking mouth. Don't say You nobody's but don't start with that. Guido shit. I saw a king grabbing by the neck

You know, like some Italian kid. Yeah, Bobby the fucking security So every talent thinks they know right it's like your uncle Sure enough We're talking. He's like, uh You really a comedian. Yeah, he goes. I like this. I mean, he was great. Yeah And then they go joe you ready sit down take the paper and I'm like, I got this He walked in and the first time I looked at him God

So what happened? Nothing, nothing. I just got overwhelmed there for a second. You see you see the guy from good fellas Yeah, that's right. You see the devil from angel heart. You see mean street all the faces that he's been in godfall And you just choke, right? I'm if you want me to tell you that I choked the first three times. I was like And then the second day he came up and he's like this please play light. That was the thing Man boobs. Yeah, and I was that day was great And then there was another scene the next day where he had to call me a fat fuck

And he came over to me goes. I'm gonna say fat fuck. There's that body if it bothers y'all won't say they go You're Robert De Niro. Are you put it in my ass right now? I will not complain. Do you understand me? At least I got the fucking power That the girl fucked me in the ass, but that's the thing about it. Yeah, he is powerful I mean it's so much history. So you saw him at a party and you forgot I had no problem acting with him Acting with him. I was I was fine. It was in a big deal He had a woman like his as soon as this they'd say cut His hair and makeup lady was on him and like trimming him up and doing his name

I mean everything and after every every break cut back prepping him And I'm just standing there like an idiot and I'm like how I start making jokes. I'm like, how's my hair? How about my hair? Anyone want to take my hair and he's like this guy with his hair this guy really loves his hair And we had like a good time. It was totally cool. I'm at a party. It's a new year's heat party. He walks in Everyone's all flabbergasted. I'm flabbergasted. I'm like that that that that that I'm like I wish I had something to say to him like to break the ice I get home that night. I'm like, wait I was in a movie with him

Totally spaced out It's uh, yeah, it's powerful I've never seen Pacino like I've never seen nobody else. Yeah, me neither. I've worked it a lot James Coburn made me stutter. Oh, yeah That motherfucker. Yeah, you stuttered just by it. Like I walked in there like I was overwhelmed by tears Yeah, like every time I look at him I had tears in my eyes. I thought about bruce lee and carry the casket I gotta tell you there was what a what a cool thing though. I mean, what a cool thing Right to be like bumming around new jersey and north bergen and sitting at the shore and then like

To just to have done one scene with these guys let alone Multiple stuff. I mean, that's pretty special. You leave that so crazy going. What the fuck just happened Yeah, you don't make a big deal about it. You just hold someplace close to your heart And anytime a bad thought comes up you replace that. Hey, yeah, all right, so I came in a minute, but I came in 30 seconds You were phenomenal I've never you know, we bump into each other at the store. We never got a chance to talk about I want to talk about it today because

He's always been one of my favorite people and I'm gonna give you a breakdown That fucking behind the condolabra you did. Yeah The liberace that is one of the best movies. I did a bit about it. I'm my cd. I love that. It's a great You know comedians love that movie I fucking adored that. Yeah, I mean everybody was solid so great. Let me tell you something when I was a kid Yeah, I was tight with a gay guy that was uh Uh a seamstress in a play in the city and he would always tell me about He would always get invited to bands and all this shit, but he was a big time gay guy

He was friends with my mother and he sold coke right and he pulled the gun one day I'm one of my friends and I fell in love with him. If you pull the gun even if you're gay, I still love you You know, you're a bad motherfucker. So he became friends And I remember being a kid and telling me about out in john, right and cubans call fags like really out there fags Loka What a looka looka looka like if they're just regular gay they're maricones, right? But if they're out there, like they'll suck 18 dicks with feathers on and you throw mud at them and shit They're locas, right? So so I go

Did you meet out in john? Yeah, you know and he goes local don't see I met him Today make that look out, you know, like he's like today make that look out. Oh my god But he goes not as local as liberachi at that time liberachi must have done something in cuba, right? Liberachi was there what madonna is to gay people today, right liberachi Like everybody knew liberachi was gay. He was married. Yeah, and he's america didn't know the first guy My mother was the first person who told me rock Hudson was gay. My mother died in 79 Right and she's telling me when she was a little girl in cuba rock Hudson wasn't allowed to fuck men in the states So he had to go to cuba so with marlin brando

That was their thing and she would go down to the hotel Yeah, brando too. We're just talking about a yesterday and there's an article that came because brando suck prize dick And brando fucked the the guy and godfather too with the big dick in cuba What's his name? Oh, uh, when when they go see him and the guys comes out. Yeah, the guy's name is the monster. What was it? I'm super man. Yeah super super man of cuba and they said they have this article There's a huge article about really biggest fan was marlin brando come in with two showgirls And leave with him the guy had an 18 inch dick Dead dry. He was a he was a long more guy in the daytime

And he just fucked women at the chinese theater at night in cuba You're saying so many things that are baffling me. Oh my god. Oh my god hilarious So whenever I called my hair weird my mother would go, what are you rock Hudson? And I'd say what the fuck are you talking about? So one night I asked her, what do you have against rock Hudson? He's a fan. No, he's not No, he's not and she's telling me and I'm like arguing whether like I reminded me of league Like I got so how can you say that? How can you say that? Where do you get balls your balls? Where do you get balls to say rock Hudson's gay?

She's like, all right, believe what you want to believe. She died in 79 Yeah, it was a big deal. I'm sorry, ma You were telling me the truth So this martin, uh, mariconga was telling me about That nobody does what liberace Yeah, he told me a liberace came to new york and he was just fucking and dumping Like just fucking and dumping. What does that mean? Like just picking kids just going out just going out One and done one and done out and they give you a check on the way out his 500

Is a gold ring for your fucking asshole. Yeah, you lived his own way that liberace Yeah, what was so crazy is his biggest audience was housewives Like they he had a tv show and he'd play his piano and it was just and he would be talking to these Uh housewives through the camera and they loved him and adored him and had no idea That he was especially at the time was living this Affluent gay lifestyle. They had no that wouldn't even have crossed their mind. Wow. Yeah, if you really think about it Michael douglas hit it out of the park on that. Oh him and matt matt hit it. Come on out Of the fucking

Park so i mean michael douglas has done some great movies. Yeah before that, you know what my favorite movie michael douglas is that nobody knows about A film called star chamber I don't know 1984 him and how him and how Holbrook holbrook. Oh really they were judges Oh, yeah Nobody remembers that movie if you haven't seen star chamber. Yeah, look it up guys. It's a 1983 movie about judges That if you beat them in court, they send the hitman Whoa

To come get you so if you like let's say you come in and go tom papa was arrested with 10 kilos of coke There's attorney comes in and goes. Yeah, but the warrant specified a brown house The house is actually green Drop the charges. Fuck and they would have a council that night And next thing, you know, you're in your room party and some guy comes and shoots you with a fucking weapon That's a good movie. Oh, but they weaved it with a story very bad very few bad movies and michael douglas Yeah, no they weaved it with a story about a kidnapping of two kids in a van So it was very well done. Oh cool. And then he tries to get out michael douglas tries to get out but

Beside that i mean and inside when he takes his fucking hair off Oh, there's you know, they they really Uh, they knew it was a great story and they respected The story and and the characters and just gave it their all and these guys are just brilliant actors No, was that a book? It was a book first. Yeah, no actually I don't think it was a book Where'd they get this information from because the ball or maybe what it was the guy matt's character I think I think it was a nice character. Yeah, I think a couple other people

Yeah, wrote some but that was the 70s when people weren't listening to you the studios didn't give a fuck now And yeah, no and he had his own problems and but it was it was just such a he really died at hiv, correct? He was one of the first ones. Yeah, they called it a watermelon complications from a watermelon diet Because nobody Was talking about AIDS at the time, but then they dug him up in the book or something and they did an autopsy and they Revealed. Yeah, I think they knew it. I think they just tried to try to cover the publicity say that but yeah it was uh, you know, uh sodaberg is a genius to begin with and uh

And that he put me in what is one of his favorite movies that I mean, it's one of his favorites and that I'm in it at all. It's just was when you shoot that great Here shot it here shot it in like Beverly Hills shot it in uh, palm springs shot it downtown Some jazz club Uh, yeah all around here. It was great. It was just a summer class. Huh? You still go to acting class. No Do you want to are you interested? No, me neither? You know I think a big part of the game is just to be yourself and be confident

And I think we've got that at this point, you know, I'm just not I just don't go Audition for a lot of stuff not anymore. They come and no nothing I try to tell but I don't know if this is already a shoot themselves. I you know, it's hard. It's I I love acting I wish I was in more movies. I wish I was doing more of it But uh, I'm not great at auditioning. I don't look I don't I'm never on my agent like get me more Like I don't know. I have to like get it through people. I know or stuff. I've written myself, you know Cherry pick, huh? I cherry pick. Yeah, like if they send you something and it's like if we're a sitcom Let's play some goofy part. You just say no, right?

Yeah, you can't go out for everything some sitcoms, it's funny how 20 years ago if you called me instead of having an audition in san francisco, I'd ride a bicycle there. Yeah and the last Eight years after the strike Yeah, the game changed so much that you were like, you know what like I started getting calls at 11 o'clock for 130 Producer session. I know and I'm like no prep. I'm not doing that. Right exactly. I'm not doing that. Yeah, because you're gonna be hard I'm town 430 like they call you 215

Right, like we're gonna send you the sides right now. Just come down and give it a shot I don't want to appreciate it But if you go one time then they'll make you do it again. Yeah, and so you can't bust I did all that stuff, you know that kid one you do when you need it from modern family and he said something interesting He goes, thank you la. I went to all the auditions Even the ones at 430 down at ocean Down in sandy this place in Santa Monica. Yeah, where you go to audition like when they would call you on a friday I said you had a 315 on there. Oh god your fucking heart was uh, you're not coming home till saturday

There was two fucking places that I hated Yeah That place and bundy Ocean something and bundy they were for commercials I'll never forget going down the bundy Get taking two hours to get there from hollywood on a friday for a 515 audition All they wanted me to do was put my hands in front of the camera and then take them out and they're like, thank you for coming And I remember walking out going. Oh, I gotta start punching these

Yeah I didn't I know feel guilty at all anymore when they call me like they called me a couple years ago for a tv show Yeah, and this is what happened sometimes. Sometimes you have to say no. Yeah, like I told I'm dying up here They called me like we really want you for this part. Just come down audition. It's yours. I was like I don't want to be a fucking italian taylor. Uh-huh. You know I'm saying yeah, I know an age now And I've been here so long that I just cherry pick. Yeah, I hear things if you say something to me I hear things I see a book I like I read it and I find that it's an option And I start banging it out that way right back right right there's a roll in there

There's something I'm working on now smart that what it hits HBO It's gonna be tremendous right and I've been looking at the different angles and I'm looking for one roll I know the roll I want. They're not gonna give me the mobsters They're not gonna give me the cubans. They're not gonna give me the jewish rolls There's one roll. All right, and that's the one I want and I'll cherry. I'll do everything For that roll. That's really smart. You know, I used to send my own audition tapes. Oh, yeah Like I used to you would call me and go Joey. They're doing a mafia movie 2004 2005 Joey they're doing a my new york movie with denzel washington. I booked american gangsta the first time

With tapes I would get the script from my friend that I see him long gone And I would get the script if there was three italian rolls. Yeah, pick the one with the least lines And I'd send them in you just record on your own record on my own I'd pay a buddy of mine He had a house up here and all the stuff and I'd do the whole audition and I got into Wow rhythm of that that what I wanted. Yeah, that's a friend of mine once told me a casting director's job is to get The roll booked right she wants to do it as quick as possible Right sometimes your agent doesn't have the juice to get you in the room or something. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck it

I used to overboard that shit I used to override that shit. I would look at the script. Yeah Pick the least of the sides. I want even if there was a second guy. I wanted right Let's go with this one. Why be a fucking pig right right go with that Be realistic and the tape and why would drop it off So who are you listen? Just give this to fucking john whatever Who are you and you booked through that that way I wouldn't adam sand the longest yard

They were like we want big pussy or tom saragusa Tony saragusa and I went home and I ate my and I was in houston. I said First of all adam salons are calm right saragusa and big pussy great actors great people But they're not comics. They didn't do buffalo They've never done buffalo. They've never done nor tunnel wonder That was really my logic. Yeah, they never follow paul mooney at the store right dirty nights in a row. So Let me put it on tape. That was my logic. So yeah, and that's it. It's so smart I know I mean because like the worst thing that could happen to you as a comic

Is to get a part playing a dad in some Young girls sitcom You're not working as a comic anymore. You're invisible to the audience that wants to see you You're trapped into this contract with this show where nope. You're kind of in obscurity. You're working But nobody knows where you are. Nobody knows what you're doing. So why would you? Chase after that stuff if you're an actor. Okay, that's the that's the end game is to get a part in anything but for comedians You got to be in the right thing

You never wanted to do a show for six years on abc and just call it quits No, they gave you a check after six years if it was the tom papa show Sure, okay, if it was uh, you know, if it was a if it was a sitcom where people are gonna know. Hey, that's tom and that thing They offered me they they kept calling me for this show On the cw. They really want you to play this father On the cw shoots in toronto Well, why not put me on a cruise ship and just put a bullet in my head Really, I mean, what would that do for me? It would be isolation

Look if I needed the money if I if I if I was like really desperate and but I'm gonna be away from my family Away from my friends away from comedy Just an obscurity doing that. That's not That's the difference between just an actor and an actor comedian You know, you can't imagine if you had to stop doing stand-up for the rest of your days I would never stop You know like you're contemplating if I Well with two different ages, you know

Uh What you do at 30 and what you do at 50 is two different fucking sure How you would have to treat me on the show now is I tell you right off the bat first So I want to be shot out first. Right. I'm an old man. Yeah That fucking 12 to 12 shit is not gonna work. Right. So we're gonna do three takes. Yeah At 10 o'clock in the morning You know, I loved You know, you have to know who you have on the set and what you have on the set. Yeah

Okay, I really loved that girl from the sign that lie the one that went on to do 40 rock What's her name? Tina Fey? Tina Fey. She gave somebody a chance That is completely nuts But she was a genius how she used them And you have to when you have a comic on the set You have to know the psychology account. No, nothing bothers me more than a director As you sitting around for 12 hours with comedians. You got like a three-hour window, bitch That's right. And after that you want to keep us around till eight eight eight hours

I'm in but don't put me in three scenes at eight and then come back to me at six That party's gone. That muscle is gone. That just doesn't make sense. No, no That just does and you're gonna be right and you're not gonna get the best out of the person She went I heard that she used to rogan said it once he goes rogan said if If I ever had a show and put Diaz on just after off the bat, he told me He goes first of all, I wouldn't want you around all day Because that's when it's trouble In my world, I just shoot you out by 11

Yeah, when I heard that Yeah, she had to show Tina Fey. She would shoot him out quick. You don't want him around past five Telling people his finger smells like raping And all that shit You don't need that Showing off people's trailers Yeah, so just get him in. I know he's a pain in the ass Just get him out by 11. That's his and that's what they don't that's when I get pissed off

Right, you know, yeah a comedian the comedic actor nothing pisses me off More than what compared to comedic actors that gets on the micro. I am not a comedic actor I understand that that's comedy, right? That's a big difference with a little bit of formal training Yeah, did you have a lot of training? No, not a lot. I mean all through college. I did it Did you go to acting classes in new york ever? Uh, yeah, I went to uh hb studios. How were they? They were good. They were good. It just felt cool to all of a sudden be in new york in an acting class And then I also went to this other one. Sheila gray. I went to her for a couple years. So I've had I've had a good amount, I guess, but uh I loved being in new york around other comedic other actors, especially when you're doing it that way and you realize oh

There's you know, you you think it's all gonna be brando and you're like, I'm as good as these people All right, I can do this. This is gonna be okay And then uh, and then you learn a lot and I think you know, I think I got to a point where I'm Really confident and can can be myself and do a really good job. I think I'm a good actor then watching like Damon and michael douglas when they were doing their thing in that movie and you're like, all right All the time I've put in as a comic which makes me Really great that way these guys

They're doing something at a different level as good as I think I am and I think oh, maybe I don't need as much training It might be worth it if you want to be like those guys, but they might also just have a certain Thing that makes them great, you know, that's an eight thing and all the time that they put in But they are a different level for sure. What's the guy christopher walk it? Yeah, I heard that when he did a scene And they yell cut the fucking place with a plot Right, like he would suck you into the fucking scene right there's people that you see I'll tell you they're great. It's that fucking English guy that played batman

Like new christian bail like when he played the junkie on the irish thing. He's dangerous. That's a different level Right those guys. I know like we can act Those guys are Act that's a different game, you know, yeah, like I watch a guy like McQueen. He's mediocre in my world Brando, let me tell you something man. I watched something on night And I'm very emotional very like when I watch something good that inspires me I break down I cried last night during the nc double-a finals When they were tied up I was crying

Because that's what I wanted to be, you know, I was eating pasta for zule less I had to go for this stress test. Yeah, it's like I didn't want to eat heavy Right, so I made my wife make me this pasta for zule He's Puerto Rican pasta for she makes with some grass from the backyard instead. We put spinach There's no room and I just made a little salad with blue cheese and lettuce to make onions and I made it a point To listen to the starting five Like I made it a point. Yeah, I fucking I was at the dinner table I wanted to hear where they were from because the first time I knew that I could do something

Was when I watched the nc double-a finals. I was watching marquette against north carolina And when they said from jersey city, new jersey Michael corn like I just broke down. Yeah And last night listen just to see if they had amazing if they had anybody from jersey Yeah, like that's every year in the finals I go every year. There's always one motherfucker from jersey Last night there was a dude from philly. Yeah, he started for texas tech Or virginia and there was a dude from new york You could see the dude from new york had that new york shit, but there was a kid from woollen hills

Oh, yeah, I fucking cried like I was like, you know, I know. Yeah the whole thing It means a lot half a filipino kid from woollen hills It's great. I had a similar thing when I was a kid I was watching basketball and it was a college game and there was a guy from my town from woodcliffe lake And the same thing I was like What I I could I get can I get out he can He did it. Let's go You know, it's amazing. I'm the emotional too that way

It's crazy all the people that really really came out of like I didn't know nathan lane Yeah with some jersey city. You went to st. peter's prep. Well, I didn't know that I bought pink floyd tickets at st Hey Jack Nicholson jack Nicholson's from nettoon. Yeah, correct. You ever go to nettoon? No Joe thighs, man, yeah, you know all those guys, you know, I was telling I think t-bow and whatever a story about my eighth grade year When the hottest basketball player in the country was named was kelly trapeuka. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah kill tony soprano. Oh, yeah. Yeah, kelly. If you go to denver state, they didn't really kill him

No, if you go to denver stadium like denver, whatever denver plays, he's in the ring of fame It's oh, wow His father owns a big beverage company trapeuka Lickers. Oh, yeah, and most basketball players at the time were scoring a thousand points in four years Right. He was scoring a thousand points A year Like he was touted the next best thing and I'm gonna take a bus. We played him in high school Wow, I took a bus to the state semifinals to watch him play

The coach from know the dame was there. You know what that's like. She's was he amazing to watch at that point? Like was he he was 20 or 24 from the field And he made four field free throws. You know how we beat him. We beat him Really? Because he was the only guy on this team, right, right, but we beat three guys on him Yeah, he missed a he missed a slam dunk or an alley hoop at the end by just a fucking pussy hair We beat him by one. Oh, it's he ended up going to know the dame. He played for the pistons You know, you see all these people you're like, I could do that. Yeah, I know they show you. There's a way I can fucking do that. Yeah, we're not we're not different. I was so disappointed about college like when I was going to college

I was like, fuck I quit high school. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. All I ever want to do is play in the finals Yeah, even if I lost right I talked shit To the end you ever see this guy that episode of dirty for dirty about North Carolina Yeah, when they do the talk and they're all sitting around. Yeah, he said coach said that thank god You didn't throw the ball to the white guy. He would have shit his pants. He's like coach didn't say that That's a fucking lie. You know that camaraderie. Yeah, exactly. You know when you want us I find almost like people remember that you could do whatever you want at that school

Oh, yeah, you can molest people you Harvey Weinstein bitches You know, you could send your kid for no college. Oh, you're you got a free pass a lifetime pass When did you decide to stand up? Um, I wanted to as a kid like in seventh grade Uh, I realized like I was funny and then I realized like that it was a job like I heard Steve Martins and uh, let's get small and George Carlin's class clown In one summer and I was like, oh, these are grown-ups Doing this being funny for a living

I was then from that point on I was like, I want to do that. I want to I want to be a comedian and uh But I didn't and I would like record stuff when I was I had a job as a In college as a security guard in uh, this housing development in the winter where I would just sit in my car There was nobody coming to this Housing development. It was in the middle of like east Windsor like nothing cornfields And they're building some houses and I had to sit in my car in the cold with a little space heater And I would just sit out there by myself for hours. I was my job And uh, I would start recording stand up on a recorder

In the car because I'm by myself going crazy and I was just you know getting high and just talking to myself I started putting down bits and I'd bring them back and play them for my Roommates and stuff and they didn't think they were any good But I was then I got out of college And because I had acted so much I was like, oh, maybe I'll I went to HB studios and I'm living in Jersey again. I'm living in Paramus and I'm thinking maybe I'll I try and get parts and it was like you're such a mind-blowing. How do you get a part in anything? I don't have an agent. I don't know how do you that happen? I was looking at the village voice and I was like

Oh, I don't need permission To do stand up. It says right here. I can go to the New York comedy club if I have two friends that'll Buy a ticket and buy the drinks Let's go Jason Shawn get in the car. We're going june 12th 1993 It was my first one. I was in New York City. Is that funny? Yeah, that was my very first time Uh, I was I was Electric I was uh, I was like, oh, yeah, this is it. I'm doing this. This is what I'm gonna do I walked in Greg Geraldo was waiting to go on

and This other kid was hosting it was just the three of us and my friends were the only ones really in the audience And uh, I met Geraldo and we became friends like immediately Was he already? No, he wasn't a star yet. No, he was just starting. He was nervous shaking like a leaf No beard just all totally terrified uh, but smart and funny and we just hit it off and uh

Did that first set, you know a couple jokes whatever, but it was a rush I'd never been in a comedy club Before that night, you know, I'd seen comedy, but I'd never been in a club and uh Just became pals with him and just didn't stop. That was it. I just uh, I was like, oh, I don't have to I can I saw comedy as like You know a very just part of show business It's like, all right, if we walk into these clubs all of a sudden I'm hosting shows at stand-up new york and john

Stewart's on the show and brett butler's on the show and Uh, if as long as I'm funny, I can stay there. I can stick around That seemed very just to me. It didn't matter who you knew. It didn't matter what agent you had It's just if I can get up on the same stage as these people and make the people laugh as much as they're laughing at them That's all I've got to do. I can do that. I could just keep working at doing that And uh, and that was it. I remember going to jersey in 90 Right after I started I went to jersey it was 91 I started in june or july

And it was september and fucking jaymore was already big in the city. Yeah The black kid that's still around from jersey Uh from new work or something bill bellamy. Oh bill bellamy. Yeah bellamy was already Yeah, he was rolling because I remember buying one of those newspapers and I was interested but I was such a pussy I didn't go out in 91. I was there for two weeks. Oh really and I kept saying I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna go up I never went out. I'm such a pussy. And then the second time I came was january of 93 And right away I started going over and I met bob gonzo. He bought shows in jersey. Yeah, you give you five dollars

I would drive down the show and he'd give me a five dollar bill like and you were happy and you were happy You were happy that you got five fucking. Yeah, they're giving me money to do this He had a room in north bergen. Uh-huh romano's restaurant, right? And I went down there with like 18 gorillas And he told me he wasn't gonna go up next year. He came up and he was like dog. Your friends threatened me I gotta put you up. My friend's like we'll light this place on fire. You better put him up And I went up deep I go home now. My friend's always go remember when we all went to see agronomas

Harmon cove had a room. Yeah in sea caucus next to clifton. That's next to clifton. Yeah, your father's up right from root three Right, exactly. It used to be a call your father right now and ask him about the clifton drive in theater Oh, yeah, that was where I saw five fingers at that I saw so many movies that I'm sure my parents were there. They were dating in high school. Yeah three was Yeah, if you didn't want to go to the city or like north bergen and whatever, right? Yeah, I've been out in clifton by munaki Ask your father how ugly the people are You have never seen uglier people in your life than munaki. They all got big heads They're confused. They're bumping heads on the street

Munaki's like eight blocks. I don't know how they have so many ugly people But they have a tremendous restaurant called figovia. Oh, yeah, like a portuguese. Yeah Golly shrimp is still there. I heard it's still there last summer was there. They asked us to leave We started drinking those 16 dollar pictures. Yeah, there's marco sangria And then there's a place see that I was hoping To go to new work to go to the spanish kitchen. Yeah, if you're you know, there's a one Have you been there? I've been to that district like yeah, they have a place called the spanish kitchen Yeah, I took rogue me and rogan went. Oh, yeah rogan took me

Who the fuck am I kid? I suggested he goes, I'll take you Next thing, you know, we're drinking sangrias. It's got a UFC fight. This ought to be a long time A couple years ago. Well, uh Yeah, that's good stuff. Let me tell you some pop. I love you stand up. I love you Thanks, man. Likewise funniest things A couple months ago. I'm fucking Conan. I always I saw that you like I don't watch those fucking shows Yeah, me neither But if I'm scrolling and I see a friend, of course, I tape it and then when I come back from the store

Or fucking doing a podcast at least. Yeah, I'll watch it. Yeah, and you were like real subtle and all of a sudden you're like, yeah My show's about food What's what's wrong with eating a piece of bread from time to time? Everybody's walking around keto diet I gotta hang out with Joe Rogan telling me about Fuck you Just dip the bread and I'm like, you know what that's exactly what I'm gonna do In a couple weeks ago. I was on jet blue mint and they gave me that little italian bun like a little bun I fucking stuck my whole my finger in it

And I put olive oil in it and I ate it like an italian. It splurged all over me. I'm like, that's for tom papa Yeah, man, I uh, yeah, I don't understand why after Thousands of years of eating bread why we show up and they say it's bad for you. It doesn't make any sense We've been eating it nourishing ourselves for the history of mankind and we show up in 2019. You can't eat bread Uh, I'm like something's wrong. Something's wrong. And then I realized we're not eating bread We're eating this chemical concoction that they call bread when I started baking the bread on my own Oh, this is you baking it. That's why I made that for you. Oh my god. Thank you I think you went to a bakery and no, I made that bread for you this morning. So when did you start baking bread?

How'd you get into this? I started it like uh, five years ago a friend of mine We were working on a tv show and he was into it and he started telling me like there's this natural yeast and the sourdough starter and that's what they used to make bread out of and I started doing it and I told my family about it like there's this you put flour and water in a but in a bowl and this yeast goes in and makes This living organism the sourdough started you can make bread from it My daughter for christmas got one started for me on the secret She just started mixing flour and water and got the thing going and I just started baking it And real bread is flour water salt and yeast that is it flour water salt and yeast anything else is added

You're not really eating real bread and I've been baking it like crazy got great at it I started the show in the food network because of it It just went like wildfire And we eat this bread all the time and no one's getting fat from it. No one's getting sick. No one's getting fat This is Good for you. We should be eating good bread. So it's on cone and I'm like no I mean, I'm like preaching it everywhere I go. I'm like if if you eat real bread You're allowed to eat real bread you joey Diaz are allowed to eat bread. Don't eat frankenstein bread

Let me ask you this. What do you think about the italian diet? The Mediterranean diet or the no, no, no, I'm talking about Just are the way we eat like jersey italian I think the italian me and rogan have had this conversation. I can't stand when people put down pasta. Yeah, I know it drives me crazy I know italian people been eating pasta since christopher fucking columbus And now you want to show up and tell me carbs are no fucking good. I could see I know Italians that are ripped. Yeah, I was a hard carrier for a summer Right, and that guy had to this day. I'm emulating his diet today. Right. He ate five times a day

The only thing I'm not doing that he does because I'm a pussy Is he would fucking get a little wine glass pour red wine and saran wrap it And then at lunchtime he'd take it out No way, but he lived like 90. Wow. I kept in touch with his son until I don't know This was well, you know jersey Yeah, he would eat and then I worked at a hot carry north bergen when I was a kid And he would do everything by hand. There was no Nothing you had to go right and that guy angelo severino's his name is his father lived to be 90 right and he used to eat

You know You can't eat a fucking thing like this a pasta. No, of course a little Yeah cup With marinara meat sauce like a little meat sauce. Oh forget the meatball. Yeah, I don't even need to fucking I'll even you can even take the meat out of it. Really you will I like the marinara. I do too But you know what if we're gonna eat let's eat What the fuck you gotta understand? I was a cuban kid. Yeah, and when I came to from the united states All I want to do is eat

White food right like and when I lived on 205 west 88 street, the only Italian I knew about was the Spaghetti my mother made right which is cuban style spaghetti Which is delicious and the pizza joint on 86 and Broadway And then there was a black guy of my mother's dry cleaners That maids spaghetti and meatballs on wednesdays are the Italian people And the Bronx will come up and eat his name is black mic. There's black mic and white mic Mikey black and mikey white right he was the presser at my mother's Doubled as a cook upstairs for the numbers operation. Wow

When I moved to jersey I didn't I could lie to you people all you I didn't know nothing about Italian food I was hooked on that shit Fettuccine Alfredo that now I want to kill kids If my wife loved my daughter was Yeah, it was big in the 80s. It was a big 80s. I'm my mother Fettuccine Alfredo You don't understand in Cuba the Italians put lobster on their pizza right in Cuba was everything was seafood-ish

I don't know what Italian moved to Cuba, but it was very seafood-ish And when I started I would go John Bender Was the first person who took me to his house and his mother his sister was a haircutter However, and on Wednesday, she would cut her in the living room and they would make a big bowl of pasta in the kitchen Was was for me in there They'd be here flying everywhere And the mother would make that red lead and I still remember going over to their house I was very Americanized. Yeah, and her she said to me. What's your name? I'm like

Coco Diaz And I would like just put my head up and I would just because they were the first people that ever Showed me how to put polio recut On the fucking spaghetti, which is a different level right now. You have your spaghetti and meat sauce or you want once you figure out that What's this for like put a lump in there and mix it up. I'm like, oh my god Oh my god, what is this? So we've cut it Dear Tom brought your mom is the best you would put sausage And meat and sauce and then the first time I had pasta for zoo

Yeah, yeah, and my dick got hard for 48 hours straight 48 hours I had a hard on she took it out of the freezer with the spinach and the fucking Whatever else isn't there's something else in there. It's got a girl. That's girl. Yeah, that shit'll get your dick hard You believe the crack hose asshole and fucking eat pasta for zoo and they test you the next day and you're fine I became in love with that. Yeah There's how old were you when that hit you then? You're like 12 and you know what you were saying to me whenever I eat spaghetti at the house. You go good country america, huh? Ha

Yeah, but I mean man it's in my it's like it's just so it's a part of your of your blood at that point when you grow up on it And you know, I come out here and there's Monte Carlos the Pinocchio place on uh on magnolia It's like I if sunday This is how I plan my comedy travel if I can fly into burbank come home for my shows on sunday morning I'm so happy. I'm on the plane Thinking about what I'm gonna eat. I'm writing down my list of what I'm gonna do I land at burbank at the car drive to Monte Carlo you walk into this italian deli

The stuff hanging from the ceiling. They just got everything for my childhood is just around me They've got to give me boxes to carry the stuff to my trunk. You don't eat the food No, I mean I get the stuff from the down the food is oh my god. I know the food is question I tried I tried it's like sloppy. It's too sloppy. I know I try to go to this other place and see you know My daughter loves it. Oh my god. I can't say the name because they're nice people I can't do this no more. Yeah every time I go to have the lentil soup In the chop salad. Yeah, that's what I'm down to the pizza If you go to the place over there

You could eat the pizza, but where at the Monte Carlo After I had the spaghetti Listen, if you fuck up pork fried rice our conversation's over right or wrong. You're gonna try pork fried rice I'm just giving you the difference. If you fuck up a gyro. All right, I'm gonna eat your baklava Okay, if the gyro sucks, we ain't moving any further if the pork fried rice sucks We ain't moving no further and if the spaghetti sucks We can't move because I can make a fucking meat. I'm a retard And I can make spaghetti with prego. That's better than fucking Pinocchio's and I'm sorry to say but they're deli section

The deli section is like being in italy. My wife. It's like being in Arthur's Avenue. Oh my god We a little more to del with the crackers. Oh come on two in the morning Come on the del we slide to my daughter. We tell her it's baloney Love it and I just load up and I go home and I cook and I want to cook Just for the family my whole sundae after being on the road is just get go in get oil In the pan get garlic and onion going the house has changed It's filled with something. I've got my bread and I just start Cooking for everybody and that to me is everything

That's that's everything turn poppy a true family man. I love you to all my heart is getting fucking hot in here What did you got coming up my brother? I'm going to cobs this weekend. Is this coming out this week next week next week? Just go to tompapa.com. You'll see all my dates. I'm pretty much all over the place. I'm kind of at the end of my tour. I'll be I'll be winding down in a little bit Do you take time off? Not really, but like I'll have these runs where I'm just like going heavy And then I can't do it and then I'll and then I'll be uh I'm doing I'm in at the store in like a month because I've just been on the road hitting it hard

I could do every other week every other week. Yeah, if you put a gun to my head, right back to back Yeah, I don't want to go out. I don't want to it's too too much. Yeah, you'll see as the years Yeah, no, I feel it last week Pittsburgh. Yeah, two fucking planes and a 40 minute drive Yeah, 80 fucking chiral practice When you get off the plane how to go to fucking chiral practice my wife had to shoot me with a machine gun It's true. I don't put dmv. What's that shit on your back that cbd line Yeah, you know, it's just too much. I know it is that next year. I'm doing the direct plane flight the direct direct flight tour Yeah, that's it. That's smart. That's it except for buffalo. I got a little buffer

But I'm gonna fly into kennedy do something and then fly the buffalo. Yeah, I can't do that Fuck that connect to the thing to the thing and the buffalo jet blue. You gotta wait two fucking hours a kennedy But I don't want I've been on the small market I want to call it the what are you doing here tour? Because every time I see people after the show, they're like, what are you doing here? And they're hard to get to they're great places, but it's hard to get to yeah, Pittsburgh's a great place It's just hard to get to yeah, but man, you're the best. I always love seeing you. Thank you very much for coming on Thank you for the bread. Yes

Now you now I hope you uh, I'm gonna dip it in our wall tonight. I'm not doing too good I'm gonna dip it in our wall a little cheese. Maybe some olive oil. Nice. You're done. You don't need a meal You have an open door toast in the morning. Yes Nice. Oh, you can slice that that's right. Put a nice fucking egg yolk on it with butter underneath toast it I don't have to tell you what to do. No You think I got the skinny because I fucking eat fucking scrambled eggs. I love you tom papa All right. I want to thank my man tom papa. I want to thank the christ killer, but most importantly I want to thank you motherfuckers on a monday morning for spending time with us

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The supplements. Aubrey goes all the way around the world looking for the best supplements for you. All right So I want to thank manscape. I want to thank honnit and I want to thank cbdlion But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening and giving us this shot. I got no dates on the books It's over. I'm shooting movies. I'm smoking cigars. I'm slinging dick and I suggest you do the same Have a great week and we'll see you thursday you little dirty bastards. Stay black. Uncle joey loves you Kick this motherfucking mule league Oh Oh

In the shuffling madness of the locomotive brass Runs the all-time loser Headlong to his death. Oh, it feels a pest and scraping See breaking on his brow And the train in one stop You see this children jumping off Stations one by one Woman and his best friend

In bed and having fun Oh, it's calling down the corridor On his hands and knees Oh, the heart is stole by him And the train in one stop going away towards the look down Oh He cares the silence howling Catching angels as they fall

And the all-time winner Has got him by the balls Oh, it picks up Gideon's Bible Open at page one I thank god it's still the end of And the train in one stop going away towards the look down Going towards the look down Oh

Going to slow down Going towards the lookout Going towards the lookout Going...