Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #680 - George Perez

Episode Date: May 2, 2019

George Perez, a stand up comedian seen on Showtime and heard as the host of the, "George Perez Stories" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Pro Flowers - It's Mothers Day. Get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Visit ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right corner, and use promo code HAPPENING.   MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Take this fucking meal, Lee. Oh shit. Oh shit. Fucking. Nipsey Flussel. Nipsey Huffles. Daddy Hussle. The war's still alive, motherfuckers.

Something for my little brother from LA, George Perez. Or something, my boy, Orange County. The mayor, motherfucking. Orange County. Orange County. The Christ Killer, Lee Syat, it's a whole new month, motherfuckers. It's a whole new month, motherfuckers, the first of May. It's a whole new month, motherfuckers, the first of May.

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Like it was mandatory. No, no, no. I always knew I was going to have a job. Yeah. I knew I wasn't going to do it in the daytime. I got you. Nine to five. No.

I always did not like that rush. I didn't know what it was until about a few years ago, but I knew at the age of, at 16, I knew I didn't want a day job. I wanted to work in a warehouse at night or bartending. Hell yeah. What shit happens? Yeah. I wanted my days to myself.

I always thought that staying out of a bar is a good thing. Okay. I'd rather stay the fuck out of a bar and stay out of a social circle and have my day time. I could get up, like work till five, go home. Everybody's getting ready to leave. You put a cheese on them. Yeah.

You watch cartoons. You smoke a joint. You go to bed around. And people go to bed around eight in the morning. They're up at two. Mm-hmm. You know, they're up at two. They get up.

They see what's going on. Yeah. Some days you take, you go to sleep till four. But some days you get up. You fucking do shit. You work out. You don't have to be at work till nine. Yeah.

You get to fuck all the girls and get their late lunch breaks. Yeah. You greet your family when they come in. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Maybe you have to cook in the daytime. You help your wife. So when she comes home at five this dinner, I've always, I remember being a kid and looking

at Wana hasn't gone day job. What was your first job, Doug? Like honest, like where you had to give your ID and your social. The jobs I had grown up are part of who I am today. You know? Okay. Because the people I work for, you couldn't cut corners. You either did the work or you didn't and you did it that way.

Yeah. Not your way. We don't care what you want to do. And they would tell you your way is wrong. It's wrong. And they were right because we're always looking for a way out when you're young. You're looking at the clock. Yeah.

You don't really want to work. One of my first jobs is a hard carry. Like I had worked with my mother all those years. A hard carry was what? When you make cement and you have to bring it up to a bricklayed mason's. I got you. And you have to work in front of them. You can't work behind them, which means you have to have, if they go for a brick and they

don't have a brick, that's money. Yeah. Bricks got to be laid out. I know what you mean. Just how they go to grab them. Yes. The cement has to be wet. Yeah.

So you have to watch 18 things at once. You have to keep making cement, keep it in the machine. Yeah. It's like a tender now for what? Yeah. For bricklayers. Put it in the fucking thing. It's a big wooden board.

Put it in their fucking bucket. Yeah. Make sure it's wet. Put water on it. Yeah. Oh, shit. They're light on brick. And make sure the scaffold's done.

Yes. Yeah. You got to set up the next move for them. So you have to do all that. You have to have the move done. That was a great educator to me. That was a very great educator to me because it taught you to look beyond what you're doing in front of you.

Just enough to make your job easier. You know, when you paint, if I hire some kid on the street, the paint's going to come in here and he's just going to throw paint on the wall. He's going to paint the hinges. Everybody knows that paint, 90% of it is preparation. Yep. It's taping the edges. Taping the windows.

Yeah. It takes 10 minutes, but the job's going to be that much better. Take the sockets off the fucking wall. Yeah. Hit it all, huh? The sockets, not great because he took it off the wall when he painted it. All those little things prepare you for life to not the cut ends. Like, okay, the first job I really had that I had to be like on my own, like the brick

mason I worked for, I knew, but when my mother died, my friend came to me and he goes, I got a better job. I want you to take my job. And I'll never forget, I went down there, gave the guy my ID, did the thing and the guy goes, I'm going to give you a test today. I want you to sweep the room. I knew from my stepfather because I used to get aggravated with my stepfather because my stepfather goes, you're not sweeping, right?

Yeah. You're fucking like a sack of shit. When I tell you to sweep the garage, you got to move everything. Yeah. Sweep it and then put it back and then move the other side, sweep that and then put it back, then put it all in the middle, then sweep it all out towards the front. Straight up. So that's what I did.

When he came back, he goes, you know what you're doing. Look how confused Lee is, you know what you're doing. I didn't work manual labor. Luckily, I didn't do that, but I worked a lot of minimum wage jobs, like CVS, movie theaters, restaurants. Get the fuck out of here. I did. I've been working since 14.

Oh, shit. I bought my first car. I grew up, it's different. I was very lucky. I grew up in a very white, very nice part of town, but everyone I grew up with, their parents bought them BMWs, all that. I bought my first car. I was the poorer family in the nice town.

I've worked since I was 14. You guys still had Hondas and shit. Yeah. I had a 97 Chevy Cavalier that the brakes didn't work, the door, it got really cold, the door wouldn't close, like the door would just open at the stop sign sometimes. That's the worst, my biggest car. It's a piece of shit. Oh, I loved it though.

Well, for a cholo, my first car was like an 87 Monte Carlo and Georgie's mom, my oldest son Georgie, her uncle, they all were mechanics rebuilding low-rider cars. So I had a primer, Joey, oh, it had the luxury edition headlights. You know, I was a cholo back then. It was, oh. Did you call it bounce? Nah. I was, I wasn't fucking with that.

I only had it for like eight months because the fuel exhaust was too fucked up and I didn't really know about that shit and my girl was like, I'm getting fucking headache sitting in this car. My comedy car had the exhaust. Yeah. I had a pat pull over and take a nap every hour on the hour. I'd ride the suicide note, I was like, Brody, I was all fucked up. I had to drive one night from Northern Oregon to Seattle.

It was a four-hour drive. In that? Yeah. It was like eight, nine hours. Oh. That was a terror. It's the reason why I drive a Subaru today is because it's the best car I could drive for the money.

Mm-hmm. And number two? It's safe too, right? It's real safe. It's, I know what I do to cars. I got you. What I did to cars from 1979 to 1990 was just absurd. Not even putting oil and not giving a fuck?

No. I took care of them because I paid for the cars. But the dense, the crashes, the blown up fucking, the thing that spins, the timing belt, I blew up cars, you know, 20, 20 that I remember, there's got to be another 10 that I remember. Jesus, I've been in cars with you all the time. I had the worst luck with cars. I had a car light on fire by itself. Yeah, one of my cars lit on fire too.

The first car I bought, the engine blew. You know, another time I had a van, it got caught in electrical wire on the street. Only that could happen to an idiot like me. You know, when it snows in New Jersey, you lose the traction. And I wanted to make a U-turn on the hill. And the fucking bumper of the car got caught in the electrical wires. The reason why I'm still alive is through the graysay gun. And you know me, with the radio blast, I'm trying to pull the tires and fires coming.

And Doug, I went on and I'm like, holy shit, thank God, there's three kids coming by and I had like four bucks in my pocket. And they helped me take it out, pull the van back and undo that. That van, I think, blew up somewhere. You know how many people I worked for gave me cars and their cars were great? And then you just dug them out like a hoe. My foot is the size 13, it's heavy. You know, I'll never forget, I worked for a car dealer.

I worked for two car dealerships back to back that I had to quit because I blew up their cars. No way, just driving them home? There was a used car lot that I took the car to Wyoming for the snow dogs. I worked for these people just for the car. Yeah, so you just worked to get the hustle to take the car. They loved me because I speak Spanish and I would sell cars and I told them for me to work, I got to get a car that would just drive to work back and forth and I ain't taking

no bus. They were cool with me. The first car they gave me had his own problem. They gave me like four cars in two months. And the last car I took to Wyoming on the way back, that motherfucker was smoking. What are you doing in these cars? I barely made it to work Monday and I could feel like the needle was on fire and shit. And when I got there, I touched the hood in my hand almost burning and it was snowing.

I was 20 below zero or something. That's what saved the car. And I pulled up and I just leapt it there and I said, I walked in and I go, guys, I got that big comedy break. They're like, what are you talking about? I go, HBO called. In fact, I'm on a plane right now. Good luck.

Thank you. I'm going to use your reference. They're like, thank you, man. Where's the key? I go, did you fill it up? Yeah. I pulled it off. Like 20 minutes later, my page was going off, come back.

What did you do to this fucking car? So I was blown. Then I went to work at a GP Eagle place. Imagine when they went to go touch the hood dog. Bro, I went to work at a GP Eagle place. They put me in a brand new fucking car. I went again to do comedy up in Vale or something one night. I had to sleep on the side of the street.

She didn't put you up. I just pulled over to the side of the road and put the heat on. Comedy clubs didn't give like features. That wasn't a comedy club. It was a one nighter up in the mountains. Okay. They gave the feature and the headline. I took the gig.

They told me when I took the gig. I took it just to be a hard head. I took the gig just to work and I'll never forget starting the car in the morning and 10. It was like 10 below and I started the car. No warming and I was running late for work and all of a sudden I get vroom. And the fucking, the fucking whatever that. You're talking the serpent team bout and not that big one that goes on and off.

Yeah. Snap. Oh yeah. I called them. I was running late. I was listening. I quit. Your car's in van.

What the fuck is it doing? I mean, I just had horrible left when I got the bold. I didn't have a car. The deli's on. The dealership. The food place. Let me heck delivery car. They were so kind.

They would close the shop at eight. I would come in a quarter after eight and they go, we don't want to leave the car out. Take it. I would go do comedy with that car at night. That's how fortunate I've been. Hell yeah. I would run to different places. The last night I drove that car.

The lights blew out. Then I bought an Acura. I thought I was Johnny Banana's that bought an Acura. That car's still laying somewhere on some side of the fucking road. The fucking, I was going to a Denver Nugget game. The rim broke. So I had to, I had to go with the Wolf. Mike Kessler, give me the keys to the dealership so I could steal a car from the lot, bring

it to my house, take the rims off and the tires, put it on my car and then put that car back with the fucked up rims. Yeah. Guys, I've done it all. Oh, that's an all. Gee. 94. I bought a fucking, what was Toyota Nissan?

Oh, Sentra. It was no. It was Toyota. Toyota Celica. What was it before? It was Nissan. Datsun? Datsun.

Yeah. It was a Datsun B210. Yeah. That motherfucker was tough as nail. That was my first real comedy road car. It was reliable. That car got me from, I bought it with 150,000 miles. Whoa.

That car was mint. That car gave me another 100,000 for a year and hard. The only thing that happened with that car with me was the frame broke in Nebraska. That was it. And then finally in Seattle, I crashed into a car. I thought I was driving to the contest. I was going uphill and there was a dude and I rear ended him and he came up, bro, I just bought this car.

He had just bought it. He had just drove it off the lot. He gave me exchange numbers. I never heard from him again. I never heard from him again. Did you give him the real number? Yeah. I gave him the real vent number and my insurance, I told my insurance, I made up some insurance

information. I was going to say, did you have insurance? Yeah. No. No insurance, no registration. No, no. I've gone through cars. I know what you mean, dawg.

So for me, like when people bust my balls, like Joe Rogan, you need a Cadillac. For what? Yeah. I already had a big car. Look at the right side. Straight up. Dents up in the front. He said he drives by sound.

I drive by sound. I got more fucking dents in my car than what's his name got in his head. And I just said, no more. I don't see. I don't see the. Once you learn the real valet, listen, you're just going to mess it up. First of all, I don't buy cars. I lease them.

OK. Once my credit got good, back to good, I started leasing cars. Why? What's your theory behind that? You lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. I got you. You know what your car is? It loses like a thousand when you leave the lot, right?

As soon as you leave the lot. More than that. More than that, seventeen, eighteen hundred. It's just a beat up thing. That's why I've always told people if you have the means and the credit, lease because you're renting the car. OK. First of all, if you go buy a car, go over there and tell them I want to put five thousand

down. And I want to get that car. And they'll come back to you still with a four fifty, four eighty payment. They just throw away money. Good money after you take that five thousand and take four thousand and put in a CD and take that thousand. You can lease a car and get your payment. It's leasing.

It's less by the month to lease. Don't want it to own. When you rent it, when you own a car, you don't really own it. Chico. Yeah. For five years, the banks got that title. Yeah. But I don't own it when I lease either.

Exactly my point. Abe Lincoln said you lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. What appreciates a house, real estate, stocks, bonds, that always, a car just goes backwards from the time you buy it unless you have a Toyota or a Subaru in Colorado. Once the snow touches the ground, your car goes up in value a thousand dollars. Yeah. Toyota's and Subaru's. Yeah.

It all depends. You can buy a Subaru. In June, you can steal the Subaru for sticker price because it ain't snowing. Okay. You go, you just tell the guy, if I don't see the sticker, I ain't buying it. Don't come out and show you. Can we make a hundred over? Can we make a little profit?

I'll give you a hundred over sticker. I'll finance the car, somebody else, you don't make no money on the financing. But when you own a car, you don't really own it. So now you're paying five years for the fucking car and mother, once you buy the car, now you own a car that's 75,000 miles, 100,000 miles, and you put two dents on it. Now you own that car. Now what did you accomplish until you already, I get sick of driving the car. So every three years, you just pass it on.

And the first time, and what you do is you go with a car family that's good to you. So you keep renting the same car. Yeah. And you go between two or three different models. Subaru has three different, four different models. I just get a different model every three years and try it out. They don't trip on like the beings and all that shit. No more fucking down payment, the one from the last car carries over.

Oh, shit. You just carry your keys. And if you're smart enough, the payment only goes up five hours. Okay. Five or $10. Damn. You could do that every three years. I do different shit.

I go to those, you know, those auction things and I bring my homie that's a mechanic. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. And we go and because they let you take a look at the car, you just can't sit in it. But you can look at it and he's just like, all right, homie. I already know that one. And like the one I have outside, I got that for $600, 2010 Nissan Altima.

Damn. And then I put $3,000 in a new engine, a new everything and now that car is going to last me 12 years, 10 years. You want that car in 10 fucking years? No, I just give it to my kids every three years. They get the car. Like I just keep going down every three years. It's the smart thing when you have kids.

I don't believe kids should get a car right off the bat. No. Like I should have never got a new car off the bat. A lot of people should. You should give a kid a $400 car, let them dent it, fucking put rotten apples in there. That's why I thought, dog, it's just something that was like why I came from the neighborhood. I came from there was no driving. Nice cars that always gets attention.

I'm not a drug dealer. Yeah. And I still don't want the attention. Well, my neighborhood were a cholo. So it was like fix up an old car and make it look good, which is also a fucking crazy. Like I had friends that would buy like I'm Mustang. Okay. In Jersey, they don't have low raters, huh?

And you're now not too many. The Italians with a trip. Yeah. They were the trip. You know, unless it's something colorful or something like that, but we weren't big into that. Like the, okay. The kids I grew up are worn into cars.

It's a California. Well, the weather out there destroys cars too, because they salt on the road. So the cars get rusty, you know, all that shit. Like that's big. The car has rust. That panel is pretty much done. You could spray paint and put that rust only in and it'll kill time. Yeah.

But once rust gets into that metal, you have to keep buffing it down and it's like psoriasis and shit. Yeah. You know what I miss about cars is fucking in cars. I used to fuck a lot and from like 16 to 23 in a car because I always had a baby's mom. So I wasn't spending money on a hotel. Back then it was seat belt rash and a lot of ass. You fucked a lot of cars.

I got my dick sucked with a couple of pussies and cars right in the front seat. You know, but no, I wasn't privy into fucking the car. That's disgusting. Only walks by and sees your ass sticking up. I mean, sometimes, sometimes you got to close them in the car just to close them. Yeah. You got them on the way home. Let's suck my dick a little bit.

Let me eat your pussy just to make sure there's no misunderstandings. If they say no and whatever, I mean, yeah, I had five brothers, dog, it was hard to bring a girl home because they would try to take them and shit and I'm over. I got a, we got beer and my brothers were scandalous. You still get along with your brothers? Whew. That's a crazy question. One of my brothers is doing life in prison.

I really don't talk to him. Fucked up crime. I can't accept. Now, I only talk to two of my brothers, bro. I mean, I talk to them, but not really in shit. They're more, they're very different from me. Same mom, same dad. Yeah.

Yeah. My dad had five wives, but he only stayed with my mom because she gave him six sons and my dad didn't have boys with any of these other wives and we're all a year apart, except for me. I was born, she had her tubes tied and I still made it dog. And I have a little brother. My dad got some strong ass nut and it's fucking, it's wild. Like, I feel ashamed sometimes because I don't even know my brother's birthday to this day.

I don't know some of their birthdays. Did you just drift apart? No, my dad made us real competitive when we were little. So it was always trying to be competitive from it. He didn't make us, but it was just like that. We wanted to have his pride, his honor, you know what I mean? So all my brothers were competing in sports and athletes and I was the little, I was four years apart from everybody's year partners because my mom had her tubes tied.

So she didn't have another kid for four years and it was just real. My dad was like a cartel Mexican American bad motherfucker. Never said I loved you barely at the house, but he showed up when it was rent was doing all that shit. You know, he was a, he was a coyote Joe. He had one job for child support in the daytime and then at night he would work to support us and then he would just take off on the weekends and come back with cars and shit. And yeah, how many kids did he have?

The rumors like 13, 15 total from five different wives, is your dad still with us? No, no, pops is gone. All right, P, what does it require to be a fucking coyote? That's just dog back at this is like 85 Joey and my dad was smooth because you know, he was smooth dog. Like he had homies, you know, he had friends everywhere. And one of his buddies was the migra, the border patrol, but not the one you drive through the one you walk through.

So my dad would get fake IDs made in Orange County. And since he had six kids, he would tell me to get six outfits from all a go get an offer from all your brothers. We'd drive the TJ, he'd feed them. We'd all stay in a hotel room for like four hours, get everybody like, Hey, look, you put so they would come home and close from America. You know what I mean? When you're wearing nobody had Puma back in the 80s and TJ or Nike or gas.

And then my dad would use all of our kids birth certificates just so it looks on the camera that we were showing that then we would just walk through his car was parked in the American side. We jump in the car and drop everybody off where they had to go. What would they pay you that he was getting like seven, eight thousand ahead? No shit. And because look at it, there's no walk. You're not going to get hurt.

You're getting dropped off at your family's house. And my dad, he already had like he in 1994, my dad brought four houses. That's how good he was going buying houses, dog. That's a lot of shit. A lot. And we were making loot. One time my mom got locked up. We went together.

That shit was crazy. We all went and then like they pulled over my mom's car and she did like three days. But my dad went in there, dropped five hundred, five thousand later. It was wild dog. I've been to TJ. So I know so many like little back routes. I know they're not there no more. And this is a time where the cartels didn't give a fuck about human trafficking.

To them back then it was all weed, coke, and speed human. When did human trafficking take like such a big thing? Did the cartels didn't care about him now they do the yeah, because now a human is better than a drug because if a drug doesn't make it, a drug gets took. If a human doesn't make it, he comes right back and it's another 10,000. Now it's 12, 15,000 for one person and you don't even get it like my dad. You have to walk it, chance getting fucking caught, all that shit. It's very different.

They had a good system back then. You know, you're looking at it from the other perspective, man. You coming from a place where just you have nothing, you know, and your family pays for you. Yeah. I mean, I know what the Chinese and should they bring them over and make them work in while it's until the bill. Do you really think?

Pillows, tabs, pegs. There's a massage parlor next to the strip club I work at and all the all the massage girls there got nice ass cars and I was thinking like, what is this a legit one? It's not a sweat. Like they let them keep the money. I don't know. Is it Asian? Yeah, it's real Asian.

Even with the I saw a documentary about it, like the coyotes, they'll take them to like a house once they get to America and if they don't have the money, they kind of keep them there. Yeah. Locked up until someone pays. Yep. They got a job with their friends, Mexican restaurant is a busboy at 335 an hour plus tips until they pay off the $10,000.

But that's not really, that's like some mostly it's like, hey, we need everything because it's it's there now. You know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, this is the new show that I'm hearing and I don't know if it's accurate, but like one of my homies says that little kids now are like, fuck it, we'll take the cocaine. We'll jump over with it and that'll be payment to get my dad over there. Then he'll come get me like motherfucking kids are sacrificing now and just taking drugs

over to get the money to bring their parents. Is that crazy dog? Just to show you what the value of America is straight up. You know, just to show you what, you know, a couple of months ago, Trump made a fucking joke or whatever. He said, they cracked me up. He's like, you know what, we'll take up all the fucking refugees, but we'll put them in sanctuary cities and see how much you like it.

That was funny, which means here in San Francisco, I mean, I'm not politically woke as they say, but I know what the fuck he's trying to do. And at first I got a little mad, George. I'll tell you why, because I'm Spanish and it bothers me that he just focuses on the war. I think we're at a point in our country where we have to focus on all of immigration. I mean, there's too many of all of us here and there right now. And then I was like, who the fuck am I to make that decision?

You know, what the fuck, who the fucking, what the fuck am I to say that close it all off? You know what, America is a dream and a half for some people. And you know what, we as Americans are fucking lazy and we forget. We forget when we look at a fucking immigrant, what they'll do. When you go to, you know, Usman was on Rogan and he was like, who the fuck cleans your hotel rooms? Who the fuck does all these shitty jobs?

Immigrants. And it's not shitty jobs. It's the jobs that Americans have made shitty because all of a sudden we got too much pride to be a fucking grass cutter or, you know, there's got to be white kids that grow up and go, I want to be a carpenter. But the first thing you're going to hear is it's tough because how you don't learn to be a carpenter. They got Mexicans working for eight bucks an hour who work circles around and they don't

want to learn how to be a carpenter. So now when you go on a job site, I mean, the growth has definitely, yeah, it's a truth. I know. You're going to become a carpenter. You got to be a carpenter's helper first. Straight up. You're not going to get an 18 year old out of fucking college. No.

I want to get splinters in my hands all day for eight bucks. Now, listen, for eight bucks an hour, you see this Mexican kid, he don't even say boo. This motherfucker didn't even take lunch. You don't even know what lunch is. You've been talking about fasting, you know, white people, oh my God, we're doing a little fasting. Look at this skinny little Mexican yoke, he's been fasting all his fucking life. You understand me?

He's on a lifelong fast. And I want to hire you for eight an hour to do what? Tell me stupid stories. Are you going to go to Coachella? Yeah. Are you going to go to Coachella? Exactly. You know, so we forget.

Me, I've never forgotten that shit. But before I think about doing stupid shit, I think about like what the fuck is an immigrant doing right now? Well, having heard about what's happening on the farms is like crops are going bad on the farms because they did all these raids and they took all these illegal immigrants out and they literally can't find enough people to work on the farms. We have it. It's so funny.

My wife and I were having this conversation how they have removed the worth work ethic from kids. You don't go into McDonald's no more and see a lot of young kids. Oh, I remember that. You're right. Going to a lot of places, you know, I hate that they have removed the paper route. I hate that there's no more. You had a paper route.

I didn't fuck. Yeah. I didn't even have a bike. I used to put this shit on my shoulders. I deliver it on the bike, you walk, sleep, snow. I still am going to get the papers dumped on the corner and you had to get them before they melted. Yeah.

Wet. Oh, you had a weather challenge. I thought I was on the East Coast and I decided to take that route January 1st. Like I just wanted the paper route. Did you have to deliver when it snowed too and all that shit? I took a paper route in the afternoons. I took a paper route January 1st. Like I said, I thought I could do this shit.

I had to walk 10 blocks just to get there. And my newspapers would be on the corner and I'd have that little laundry cart and I'd have to deflate the string, you got to bring a knife and cut them off and then fucking take the plastic wrap plastic wrap and then put all put them in the plastic wrap and put them in the thing. Yeah. You had a ring with all the people's names and whether they just got papers seven days a week or they just got Sunday only.

Okay. If they only got Sunday, you had to upsell them and the guy would give you another 50 cents and then you worked on your tips. I did that shit for maybe a year. I won all the awards and then my mom was like, what are you doing? I'll pay you more. You don't have to do nothing. You can hang out and watch TV and fucking just stock the bar and clean.

But work ethic, and I tell you what happens, like work ethic is one thing, but going to work for yourself, like what you do. You're in a corporation. Straight up. I've been a corporation since 19, in 1987, I decided I was a corporation when I heard the words that you could work for a fixed income or your life could be a, there's no ceiling on your salary and dog. I became a corporation after that.

When I was stealing, I became a, all that shit. I knew at the end of the month there was a magic number. I knew that there was three numbers. There was a number that will keep me alive. There was a number that I could do a little something with, and there was a number like a snort some coke and have a few fucking drinks and cocos and watch TV. But there was three numbers and you either had to hit one of those numbers, God forbid you surprised the top number, then you lived however the fuck you want to live.

But there was always numbers that I had to hit. I didn't want to work for the conventional salary. I never did. Like since I was in fucking high school, I was like, I get it now. I don't want to have a ceiling on my income or an income over my, a ceiling on my income. You know, that's why I always love sales. I adored sales. Yeah.

It was a commission. Yeah. Bonuses, bro. Straight up. So if I sell 13, I get five. If I sell 14, I get another 500, 15 of a thousand of a thousand per car after that. Watch me. You tell a motherfucker like me that if you go sell three cars, you get $100 cash today.

Watch me. Watch if I make calls or watch if I call my girlfriend or watch it. I would go up to people, give them like a five minute spit pitch and if they weren't fucking buying, get the fuck out. I want to come look at cars, go to them all down the corner. They got all the cars in the world. Just walk around the lot of them all. The more goes fucking clock, kind of clockwise.

You can look at all of it and they just look at you like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Either we're buying or we're done. What do you want to do? Yeah. I could end your day right now. You could be home in two hours or you could go to talk to all the car.

You're looking for us right here. The price don't work for you. We'll make it work or come close to you. I always love that type of shit. I always love talking. You know, I didn't mind hard work even. I don't mind digging a trench, George. I did that for seven years.

I was a certified journeyman, like I can form it and finish it. What the concrete? I can still do that shit. No shit. Hell yeah. They sent me, I was an apprentice. They sent me to this academy at the Whittier Sheriff's Department, me and all kinds of other 19 to 23 year old people learning like how to, I used to have a eight pound sledgehammer,

fucking metal stakes. I was smooth. How old were you? I was 20, 19, 20, because I just had Georgie. Before that I used to do telemarketing. Like I used to, I was good at booking timeshare appointments. And then I was like, fuck this. My girlfriend's uncle was like, hey, homie, you need to take care of your son.

You want to work? They gave me a job. John Palacio gave me this job at Terracal in Irwindale. I'll never forget that shit. Like our first job was in Agoria Hills. He said be there at 630. I was there at 515 chilling, coffee, donuts, sticky construction was going to be with boots. They're like, throw that shit away now.

Let's go. Hey dog, I worked my fucking ass. These fools were animals, animals. That was like my first adolescence dog. Like that was when I learned how to eat ass, Lee. That was like, all these old men would fuck with me. And they're like, oh, you're 20. You have an apartment.

They're like, when you go home, put her underwear on your head and fucking sniff it and bone her. And I was doing this stupid shit. I remember my girlfriend going, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, yeah. Hey, but you know what? That job, I love Joey. Because like you said, you're working with 13 other men. No one there is a snitch.

Everybody has their own bad habit of something. He smokes. He does weed. That fool does uppers, downers, coke, alcoholics. It was it was dope. And that's how we get to make fun of each other and shit. Find out who's who sucks and who doesn't. You know, it's so weird how you look at kids and your own kids.

You know, like, what is good for them when they get out of high school? Yeah, I'm going through that on the back of your mind. You're like, you know what? You need to go to college. And you're like, wait a second, bro, I'm from the school of hard knocks. And I learned just as much as in college by doing this job, this job and this job. I did this job for two years, this job for a year and this job for a year. And it made me hip to everything I had to be hip to to prepare me for life.

You know, yeah. And I've said it before on this podcast sales, because you're always going to be selling yourself for the rest of your life. Even when you're 65 and you're calling fucking Social Security, you're going to be selling yourself, I'm missing an eye to check on the first. And you have that, Joe, you got this charisma, this likability and this like newness, Joe always says like a new word. Like, what the fuck would you come up with that?

I can see you as a salesman just out there. Like, come on, I loved it. I know you want. Don't you want to meet a girl? Get this call. I love the art of selling, right? I loved the art of selling, especially not selling to be a jerk off, but to sell you because you definitely need this particular product.

Okay. Like that's why now, if I ever quit doing comedy or podcasting, I'd sell Subarus because I've had over 20 years. Yeah, you can sell a Subaru. I could sell this shit out of a Subaru. If it's something that you love, you know, we get, I get things for sponsors all the time, you know, and so in the beginning, we would take whatever it was chocolate covered strawberries, whatever.

Now I look to see if the product, if I would use the product. Okay. You know, if I had a company that, that fucking, uh, you know, I needed to, to get to spread, you know, quip, quip makes a great portable toothbrush, you know, and as a timer, I appreciate that shit. Yeah, a timer for each side, you know, fucking. Manscaped, you know, is a trimmer and they have all this stuff for your balls. Oh shit.

They sent me the razor, the manscape and all this stuff. So they got like a different color from your ball hairs to your face hairs. I just got a bunch of different things. Well, listen, after you shave your balls with some, I don't want to close to my own nose, like I'm going to shave and trim under here, under these little nose heads to improve people. Listen, I got to shave. We used to do that to some phone prison dog.

You shave our balls and be like, go ahead and shave your head. Yeah, yeah. No, no, this is, I mean, and that's great. They have stuff to trim here. Oh, wow. Go tee. I need something like that right now. Manscaped is shit.

They also have a ball wipe, a ball wipe, a ball wipe that you wipe your balls. So I keep it in my little jujitsu bag. You got to go get a smoothie after. You don't want to be walking around with sticky ball. You know, when the Lord's going to throw a cockball ball sniffer in your life. You never, you never prepared for a good ball. So you ever noticed that? Whenever somebody was so true, they smell like a death of Billy Goats.

Balls are clean, right? You've been in your living room, dry, like you come out of the shower. You just did Irish spring and you're sitting there watching the NFL and your legs open, letting your balls dry. This hot to know. Boss sniff is flying through the window that want to suck your cock. You bump into cocksuckers when I was young. I'm not talking about the last 19 years.

Whenever I wanted to get a dick sucked in, my dick always smelled. Nobody was at least girls always said, you hold on. I have to go to the bathroom first because they check them to see what their fucking onion smells like to make sure they throw some hot water on it. We don't do that. We just give you dick without the washing. Yeah, with the fucking that little white stuff by your dick. So you don't get that.

You don't pull the skin back for a week. You get that little mystery. Yeah. Oh, wait, you're supposed to do what? It looks like a Mexican cheese when I was a kid, dog. I hated washing my dick. It wasn't necessarily not to you in the sixth or seventh grade that, you know, you got to wash your dick.

When you're young, you're like, I don't need to wash this thing. Thank God, I'm sorry. Then one day you pull the skin back. It looks like an ingrown toenail. Yeah, dust and shit under that fucking cheese. It looks like cute tips that died. Yeah. So who the fuck needs that in their life?

So I just do the best you can. They have the ball white manscape. Just a good product. They're a toner. I could. I could sell what I believe it. Is what I'm trying to say. It sounds like it.

On it. I could sell if I believe it. I went to on the headquarters where Rogan dog was a dog. It was fucking crazy. Did you meet Aubrey? Yeah. Aubrey was awesome. He came to the show the first night and then we went out.

I was scared. I haven't worked out in years and we did stations and shit. But they have like a Jiu Jitsu class for adults one for kids. They got this like huge place where they have like the drinks and the what are the supplements and all that? And then everything there. Dog. It was it was awesome.

And they have stations there. Yeah. Stations. What did you do? Club bats. I did the row, the bars or was that shit called the dumbbells? Kettlebells, kettlebells, some jump rope and then the punching bag. And it was weird, dog, because like I've always been the guy at the gym.

That's like these motherfuckers were animals. There was girls there squatting like three plates, but it was it was bad. I like the vibe that they had there. I'll tell you something. Aubrey's done a great job, but I'm a great guy. You know, I could talk shit. I mean, they were our sponsor like three months in and I liked what they were doing already. I like the alpha brain.

You know, I didn't know much about the shroom tech and stuff. But the more I work with them, the more I read their website. I don't know. I can't repeat the words that you read on their website. They're for smart people. But from taking their products, I know it's a good product. Yeah, like, you know, it's a good fucking product. I got to order some more.

I haven't ordered. You know, they give me an amount every month. OK, like get a little bit, a couple, I don't go crazy. I don't take advantage of them. I just get the shroom. Be grateful. And every other month, I'll get the fucking alpha brain. And they say, you know, I've called Joe and they've sent me kettlebells.

I haven't. And they sent me the club bats. Oh, wow. Yes, I couldn't go work out. So I just did the club bats and I hit the bag in my backyard. That's what's up. You know, I'm on the antibiotics still, so I got to be fucking cool as shit. So it was just it's a real good company. And that's basically it is selling what you like. I could never sell a fucking.

What's those things you sell in the phone? Those timeshift bullshit. And even if it's a little timeshift, they get raped. Now, finally, I've seen the commercials that you call the service. They unrape you with a timeshift. Yeah, you got to be a fucking retard. We're going to come out here every year once a year. No, you're not. No, you're not.

You're going to get sick of that before fucking years. Now, well, we rent with smart time. It's not smart. Just mind your business. Yeah, I don't want to go anywhere the same fucking year. I don't want to go anywhere twice the same fucking year. I do it in comedy. Clubs get furious at me. I know you're not coming. They're trying to add shows when you're there.

You're like, no, my plane leaves tomorrow. My plane leaves tomorrow. I had three days you got me. That's me to the best. You want to do a 6 a.m. show? I'm all in. I'm awake. I'm ready to fucking rock, but it's not. It's just.

But with the timeshare, I was an appointment setter. So it was kind of like all I had to do was get him to go to the appointment and they would give me 60 bucks a couple. That's your like the mayor of Washington. The same difference. You walk them into the cave. Listen, it's going to be a great time. They do the midnight show and shit.

Just go in there. I'll come check on you now. You come back an hour. They throw in dust, water, gasoline. They're looking at you. I thought you were going to hook us up. I thought it was a triple feature. I thought it was the double harrow. What is it?

Dirty harrow triple feature. Yeah. Yeah. I can't take people to the grave like that. I tried when I was when I tried. Don't get me wrong, guys. I used to work for a company that used to sell medicals, OSHA. OK. But the scam was if we don't get the package back in 15 days, we'll bill you. It was $199.

You're a doctor. Yeah. You guess what? If I got to pay $200 or walk to that post office, there's some days if you catch me at the right moment, I'll give you the $200. Not to go to that fucking post office, you know? Didn't you used to go to those time sharing readings, though?

When you were a comic. I would go to them for the $50. Yeah, because they give you 75 bucks. Yeah. And they give you like a free jute box and like a vacation pass. Doc, there's nothing like when you walk into a place you ain't got no money. You got bad credit and you're going to tell them no the first time and you're going to put them through hell because like, no, why not?

I got bad credit. Oh, we work with bad credit people all the time. And that's when you start asking for shit. Really? You got any sandwiches? We'll get you a sandwich. Just fill out this little credit app and take your time on the credit app. You got any chips?

You got any jello or any whipped cream or anything like that. And by the time you're nice and full, they run your credit app and they come back with their face. Pale like, listen, you got it. You were right. You were a bad credit. And now it just gets around. So you just keep going to these timeshift. And at the end of it, you go, you know, I got bad credit.

Yeah, I just came to see what it was all about. Well, thank you for coming today. They got pissed off at you. Yeah, but I'm only here for three days. I got to take all the seventy five dollar pieces. I can't. Because for five shows in those days, Myrtle Beach paid like 300 bucks.

Damn, I want to pay you for fifty, 450 to feature with with a condo around the corner, which is nice, that nice. Oh, OK, you can walk to the beach and the condo. So I would turn a four fifty week into a fucking nine fifty week. OK, by doing seminars Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday slept.

And then I stayed there till the next guys came in on Wednesday. That's how you save on money. You just stayed out condo. Tell the lady when she comes to clean it. And when they're not, I ain't going to cook. I ain't going to do nothing. I'm saving money. I'm I'm not going to eat in this fucking dirty condo.

Hell hell little supermarket sandwiches. I got paid. I'm saving on rent for the next week, too. Yeah, if you're on the road and you're staying on the road, you stay in the condo till Wednesday. It only takes you a day drive to the next destination. Don't let you stay in the condo to save money. Oh, cool.

Yeah, a lot of people would. That's I mean, you're above condo work right now. You know, oh, yeah, fuck no more condo. Rogan took you to four seasons. Oh, that should fuck me up. Make coffee abroad. He took me those four seasons once. I think it was in Denver, bro.

They had a coffee machine in the hallway, like an espresso on the 12th floor, every floor had a coffee machine. Are you fucking kidding me? This is years ago. I thought I hit the jackpot. I was worried when I went, I lost my fucking credit card in Houston. So I fucking pulled out three thousand bucks, thinking I was going to be like, yo, here's three thousand bucks.

Does this cover? I went there and they're like, that doesn't even cover how much it costs to stay here. And I was like, all right, fuck it. So I called my baby's mom. I said, I need you to send your credit card info. She's like, I got you, whatever. They were looking at me weird because they didn't know who I was.

Once they fucking seen who booked the room and shit, they came back to the room. Fucking they gave me sodas and sandwiches and shit. Like four seasons flipped out there like, hey, just so you know, you got three hundred dollars credit to eat, to watch whatever you want every day. I was like, you guys, we need to take my credit card. They're like, we made a mistake dog. They were, it was wild. It was crazy.

They took you to follow the child. No, we went to a, we ate, we ate with Alex Jones on the patio. That was wild. And no, we were only there for two days, Friday, Saturday. Yeah, Friday, Saturday came back Sunday. They wouldn't let Alex Jones into the comedy club. You said they wouldn't let him in the store either. I heard come on.

Yeah. I heard Sam was supposed to have him there on comedy cast and they're like, no. No shit. Yeah, you can always edit this if you want. No, no, no, I was going to have him run the podcast. Yeah, no, that's what I heard because my producer Xavier, he produces for Sam now. OK. And he was like, dog, the store wouldn't let Alex Jones on my homie.

They kicked him out of 7-Eleven when I was. But when I kicked you out, when Isis kicks you out of 7-Eleven, you pissed somebody off. You've really hit the fucking piss. I love Alex. I love, I love him. He was cool. Let me tell you something about Alex.

I don't know what he's done. 70% of the shit he talks about is money and it's an education for people to listen. But the other 30% is so fucking out there that it nullifies the 70% of good shit. Like I watched him on Rogan. He was talking some shit that was on the money, but then he goes off into whatever. I was going to have him on about three or four weeks ago, the week before I went to New York to do the movie and I was sick. I was feeling like shit.

And we had done a podcast early and he called me and he said he was going to be a half hour late. We've been sitting here since 12 o'clock. We just wrapped up a podcast for you to be here on time early. Yeah. And now you're going to be, I go, is it going to be late to 3.30? Like a half hour and they go, no, no, he's going to be there more like 4.30. It's not going to happen.

You know, I can't wait an hour. You, in fact, your producer called me like eight times to make sure he had 3.30. Yeah. And then Eddie called and said he had to leave at 4.40 to go court, just count coaches, kids, softball game. I wasn't mad or anything. Yeah. The problem was that I needed Eddie here to play Devils at like, uh, not Devils

advocate to calm him down. Yeah. I don't know how to come, you know, me, I just know how to yell. Yeah. But if he comes in here with the craziness, I got to fucking say something. And if he says something about the school killing with the kids, I got to throw him off the balcony. I got to shit.

I didn't even know he said any of that shit. That's what's saying. They hook and all that stuff. Yeah. That's the stuff that makes me depressed. You know, it's fun. I can see you too. Just throw.

Well, you know, it was going on. You know me, though. I got no soul to be talking about kids. Nah, I have a child that would hate for my child for something straight up. And then somebody mocks my child straight up. A lot of the shit he says is beautiful. I love Alex. I've had hilarious times with Alex.

I had a great time on the show. I gave Maddibles twice. What did he do? Oh, dog. He was at the UFC with us twice. He didn't learn his lesson the first time. The first time he came to Vegas and he called my mother fucking bluff. He goes, those those edibles don't get me high.

I don't do nothing to me. I don't know what I gave him. He said that his body was, you know, he had some type of Joe DiMaggio blood like Russia, and he wasn't going to get high. Me and Ari in those days used to come to those things stuff with edibles and acid. Did you own Benjamin? And is this is that what it started? We gave him the real deal.

We gave him a set piece of edible. He ate it in front of us like nothing happened. He's telling you guys, you're wasting your time with this. This is not going to go down. And also we got to the UFC and it was the good section of Vegas. This was one of those places. The MGM grand, expensive. They gave you free food in this section till the main card.

Oh, well, you don't got to get up or nothing. They would give you hot dogs, a diet, so a soda. Popcorn or pretzel. OK, and he's either sitting behind me or in front of me and I'm gone. Me and Ari are gone, giggling. We're looking at the fights or betting on the fights. And also, Alex Jones is telling us how these edibles don't work. And this is a joke in California, just a scam of a consumer.

And next thing you know, bro, that waitress came by and he grabbed. He grabbed it like the hand on the grip. You know, when the hand comes out of the cemetery, he grabbed his waitress and he's like, excuse me, what do you have? And she's like, I got pretzels, hot dogs, sodas and whatever popcorn. He goes, give me one of each. I go, what happened? I thought it didn't hit you.

Well, this must be heavy duty because whoever made this. And then after we went to dinner and he disappeared. And there was a U of C in Houston. I think it was the GSP one. He came up from Austin and that's when I had those bad eyes. I used to get these little cookies, these little chocolate chip, white chocolate. Somebody made them. I mean, I brought one specifically when he was talking shit.

We ate it. And then at the U of C, he just disappeared. Yeah. And his assistant came up to me that night and we don't know where Alex went. Like, where the fuck did he go? Then like an hour later, we were headed out of there. The assistant told Rogan, yeah, your friend gave him a cookie. And he's in the whole time room seeing Washington's issue.

Joe was mad at me for like two minutes and we just fucking died. That was the last time I saw him. That was the last time I saw him. So I was looking forward to seeing him a couple of weeks. I don't want the church family to think that I was mean to Nana. I don't really give a fuck if people ban him. Yeah, it gives us more. I like people who've been banned from society.

You know, I'm here to give you a second chance. So straight up. It was just that the time was a time constraint. Is it their conspiracy that he used to have the same agent as a famous comedian that died? I don't know who's the famous. I forgot it. He was bomb.

He was a store favorite. Not kidding, Sam. No, he was a young kid that somebody found. Kenneson took him under his wing, I think. Somebody found. Yeah, he's from Texas. This guy, I think. Bill Hicks. Yes.

Bill Hicks. They said that Bill Hicks is Alex Jones. Same age, same agents and all that shit. That's just to look at Joey's face right now. Like the motherfucking cucks fucking rotten. Oh, Joey doesn't like any of that stuff. Me neither. That's why I had to tell him.

He looked at me like, listen, it's not that I don't like him. No, no, no, you don't like conspiracy theories. No, it's not that I don't like conspiracy theories. It's like anything else. I don't like anything that wastes a person's time. I don't like stuff that I look at and go, that's a waste of time. But maybe you look at it and say it's informative. That's great. Yeah.

But for you to really dwell into it and take you away from your potential, that shit kind of pisses me off. I'm not really into him. I'm meant to feeding people into him and see what they say. I love Alex. Alex, it's not being against him or whatever. You know, it's like it's like gay people. We all have a gay friend and we all feel weird about gay people or whatever.

But if you met some like I'm, you know, I put the I put the roster last week from when I was in a couple of weeks, like a month ago, I put the roster up and open mic in Seattle. Rita O was a transgender. In 1995, how many people were really tight with a transgender? Guess what I was. Yeah, she became a comedian to me. OK, it was the same way it was a man becoming a girl.

Yeah. Well, what was Rita's original name? Fucking Dumbo. He was half Japanese and half Irish. Wow. His big joke on stage was that he had his dick in a jar. He really did carry it around. No, he didn't. Yes, he's so he got it cut off already. Yeah, it was like liquefied and mummified.

I don't know. But he was on disability. She was on disability. It was a very I saw the sadness in it at the time. She really tried to fit in and I gave it an opportunity. I feel I took a lot of shit off. Yeah, I feel I'm paper. I'm a different person. You know, I'm saying, you know, I'll say something about black people.

You and I both know how much I love Mexico, black people. So you just make a joke, you know, saying, but it's when you see the humanity and I saw the humanity and Rita, you know, I know a lot of gay people and I'm tight with a lot of gay people and I overcome it because I don't look at it. It's got nothing to do with me. For me, it was hard, dog, because getting out of prison.

We wanted to kill them. It's on sight. Yeah. Yeah. And then to get out, I had to like really readjust myself like, all right, dog, you're no longer in a society where the rules, those are rules that you when you go to prison, you're going into another world. So that's the rules of that world will never change. That would change. Right. I understand what you're saying. And then when I got out, I was like, all right, homie, now you have an option.

And it was kind of weird. But, hey, dog, I got a couple homies, you know what I mean, from comedy. Comedy makes you mean you meet weird people. I'm weird to them, too. You know, when you first start comedy, the first three or four years, three years, you meet open mic girls to the comics. And your first thought is like, wow, this isn't a bad job.

Yeah, I get to meet hot chicks. I'm going to try to fuck her. Maybe the girl. It's the truth. I mean, maybe the girl doesn't have the feet on the floor. Yeah, probably at the time for comedy, you know, you're going to help me write jokes and all this shit. You sleep with them after three or four years.

If you slept with two or three comics, then you start becoming a comic. You start looking at them, genderless. Like last night, I saw Felicia. What do I gain by hitting on Felicia? Yeah. What do you gain by hitting on Kate Quigley or Chelsea? Skidmore.

What's the next skidmore? You just get another comic that says I met George and he was kind of creepy. You're going to see those people for the next 20 fucking years. Yeah. And God knows if she ever married somebody fucking like a famous fucking director as she brings your name. I mean, yeah, the possibilities are in this. Yeah, we're going to make you not in comedy.

You're not going to like everybody. That's the beautiful thing about life. Not everybody likes everybody. I mean, we we get along and you know what I'm talking about. I know exactly. Tons of people that you get along with, but you're not going to invite them to your house for Easter Sunday. Yeah, to eat with you.

And I understand that the same thing goes with comedy. But when I'm 20 years ago, like by 1995, I understood what a female comic was. And I tried my hardest to be a gentleman around the tree. Now this goes both ways. See, when I'm in a female comic and she's at the condo, I'm going to fart. I'm going to scratch my balls. You want.

You want equality. I'm the headliner. So no, even if I was featured and never had a lining, I'm going to induct you into the family of what it's like to be in this world. Yeah. So when we're eating lunch, if I make a racist remark or a joke, you've got to laugh. If I say something about farting the fucking the chick up the ass and put my dick in the mouth, you understand me?

Yeah, as a woman, you have to lose those feelings. It grows. Yeah, you have to look at me as another comic. Yeah, it's really fucking weird what you learn in the comedy world or even the business world. You know, now, let's say you got a job at the L.A. Phil, first thing you got to do is take a fucking class now on getting along with co-workers. Is it for real?

Yeah, especially now with Biden touching that Mexican fucking neck. What the fuck was he thinking? You know, rubbing her shoulders and shit. He smelt that Mexican scalp and smelt like ten dead fucking cornfields like her uncle fries corn all day. And he's like, why did I touch this Mexican for? That's what you get, bitch. Keep your hands to yourself, hugging these ugly fuckmen.

That chick is ugly as fuck. That governor, she was like a Mexican eight, that chick. Oh, yeah. That's like a Mexican plan of the apes. Why would he want to fuck? That Biden hasn't had a hard on since the Mexican administration. I think he really wants to fuck this Mexican. He's just so old. Yeah. And he wanted to fit him. Well, now that's not allowed no more.

They call it something sexual awareness training. Damn, you have to be sexual awareness training comedy. They don't have that. Yeah, I've only worked at strip clubs lately. So we don't have there's no HR. There's no HR. And that's the thing about working with that. You get to know from female comics, you're like,

I can't make this check my enemy and I can't fuck her. So I'm going to keep her in between as an ally. Yeah, she becomes an ally. And pretty soon, if you treat it with respect, pretty soon, you reap what you sow. Yeah, someday, like a little ester or anybody, they're going to start dating a writer. And that writer's going to come home and they say,

who do you have for this part? She's going to go, you know, who's always been nice to me, Joe. Not the funniest guy in the world. He's been nice to me. You know, that's the thing about having those female friends. They look out for you. They have the mother. We do the reverse.

Yeah, they have the mother thing going on. Yeah. So you're cool to them. They're cool to you. You can't fuck every comic. So I have never. No, no, no. I never, never.

I have. And it's not a good thing. I've never fucked a comic. It's really a mistake. I'll torture. I was I was also. Seven years into comedy. And I also have to blame the blow on that

because I used to do blow together and that's what happened. Do you drugs with that girl comic? Yes, you know, when you do an open mic, you meet all types. And you can let them come over your house and sleep it off. Or you can start swapping spit with them and end up fucking them. And now you have a situation at the club. Oh, she's involved. Now the next time she sleeps in a comic, you're going to be pissed.

Yeah, you pick up a customer. She's going to be pissed. So it's better not even to get involved unless you're going to marry that person. Unless you look at that person, you know, for like three or four months, you and her have this electricity. It's not worth it because somewhere along the line, it's going to bite you in the fucking ass. If you get more funny than she does, if she gets more success than you, it never ends good. You know, yeah, I made the mistake, bro.

You know, we used to leave the comedy club and go to a couple of bars. And then she'd go, what do you want to do next? Let's go to your house. You know, OK, my roommate's out of town. She's an electrician or whatever the fuck she is. The first couple of times, you know, when you first start doing comedy, you dedicate so many life, so much of your life to comedy, but that's all you're meeting.

I remember that. Yeah, it's like you got a chance to meet straight chicks. When you meet a straight chick, that's not a comic. You almost had a hard one. For the first five years of comedy, you only meet comic girls and waitresses. Yeah, you don't meet nobody outside that circle. So when you go to a library in the chick, you're at those places. So I was lucky.

I was fucking the strippers that I was working with. Yeah, all the waitresses that bought, which is also bad business, because they're the ones that report to the commissioner when you're gone. You know, so if you fuck a waitress, yeah, for real. If you fuck a waitress, another waitress is going to find out and she's going to go up behind your back and the other waitress and say, you know, when Joey Diaz was here, Janine sucked this dick in the green room. Oh, they went drinking somewhere, something like that.

So you always lose. Yeah. Knock on wood. I did it one time with a I never really messed with waitresses. My thing was the other comic and the only other waitress I even looked at was Terry and I ended up marrying her. And I knew, yeah, that's what I met Terry within the month. Yeah, I had an idea. It was I just got along with her.

Yeah, easy going. You wanted to be around. She understood me in the second month or third month. She did something that blew my mind like she didn't care about money. She gave me the last $14. She had four cigarettes to go to New York using when the chick does that. You're embarrassed as fuck. I wasn't embarrassed like I took it as we were a team now.

So right off the bike, we met in July and I knew by August that we were going to hang out, you know, this was cool. This was cool. I don't know if I'll marry her now, but somewhere along the line. And look, knock on wood. You know, things, things evolve, George Perez. What else, brother? It's chilling, brother.

You know, grinding. I did my 100 episode podcast. It was fucking insane. You did it live. We did live at the strip club at the strip club. Started at nine o'clock. I got there at seven thirty to set up. We already had 80 motherfuckers in that place.

Everybody was trying to give me coke and shit. I was like, dog, I got to perform. Chill out. Like it was wild. They kicked the taco guy out. We're not eating tonight. There was a taco guy that was outside. They told us we'll get the fuck out of here.

Everybody was snorting. Yeah, get out of here. And it was cool. Thirty strippers showed up. I thought about it. I was going to hit up Lee and be like, you're licking ass tonight. You down for the 100 episodes. I had a show.

I would have come. You've got to take him down there with all those men. Can I, Joey, can I? Two times, especially the next couple of weeks. Yeah, whenever you want. Get them down and get them to eat some pussy. Oh, I got it. Get them to fuck the chick with chlamydia.

So you get pimples on this. Why does she have to have chlamydia? It's an experience. Your body will now when you want to become a great command like you want to, you've got to take some of the ropes and limitations. You have to love yourself. But why am I giving myself chlamydia? You have too many limitations and too many ropes.

That's a good limitation to have. And it's time for you to break out of your fucking rusty cage. If not, you're going to end up in your cage forever, my friend. Yeah, you know what? I got hit up by other strip clubs because they hurt. All the strippers left their clubs to come to this because my podcast is so much about strippers. And they went back and told the owner it's Tuesday night.

This guy had a hundred and fifteen people in the club at nine o'clock. Well, sit you up. As far as strippers or comedians, strip clubs. Oh, I got hit up by the Rhino. Where's the Rhino at? There's four of them now. They got him in Torrance everywhere. Rhino's like they're like the improv.

They have one in Santa Barbara. Yeah, they got one in every state. They fucking around. But it's kind of a cool idea if I was to do it. I go to a strip club on an off night, take the door, have a porn star on stage with me and a comedian from that state and do a live podcast. And then afterwards, there's so many customers in there that the strippers are like, all right, now it's time to get naked.

Because all the strippers at my show were in the audience. That's crazy. And they were just like, hey, after the show, can we dance in here? And I was like, yeah, because you're allowed to audition for one day. So they sign a paper. They're auditioning it dog. I you ever see you're going to you're going to come back in a couple of weeks. And I'm going to look like George.

I had to sneak away from my home fucking party episode. It was like one in the morning. There were still 80 people in there. I was I couldn't find my keys. And they were like, I put them on my tire. Like, if you went in when you go to the car wash, because everybody kept going, let me use your key to do coke. I was like, no, you guys are going to give them back.

Fuck that. So I put them and I hit them on my car tire and I was looking from everywhere and I finally I found them and I fucking left. I just left went to the house 20 minutes later. Where you at? Oh, we're here. We want to make sure you got home safe. I was like, bitch, my car's on the driveway.

You know, I got home safe. And then first time I called in to work in about eight years. Did you really you were that far? And then my owner called me and he was like, don't trip dog. No girls showed up today. They were all there last night. Yeah, nobody was doing the day shift. No, because all the day shift came and worked night shift.

And the club that I did it at was called House of Eden in Fullerton. My owner of my club, his brother owns that club. I did it like so the money stayed in the family. And guess what the bar did on a fucking Tuesday night? Seven thousand. Yeah, you had all those people joined. Dogs, Charles, but there was bottle buckets of bottles on the floor. Like it was too much.

It was we had the midget was there, that famous midget. She showed up and she she's imagined. Patrice O'Neill as a girl midget. She was wearing a little black leather gloves. Dolls, she was with it, though. She was with it. She was with it. It was wild.

We got count. I'll show you some videos. It was a while. It's funny. Last night I was talking to Jason Lucas a couple of weeks ago, whatever. And we were talking about how people grow. I watched you grow so much in the last two years. Thank you, brother.

It's been like you just see people and you're like, let me keep my eye on that person. And every six months you keep your eye on three people. You watch their movements, you watch their social media, you hear about them. You've grown a lot, man. Thank you, brother. How are you doing this podcast? So you've done a hundred episodes already. Yeah.

A hundred. And you had Martin down there. Yeah. I had Martin, Jason Rouse. I had Danny, the sound engineer from the comedy store. What was he doing? He was, he's been on my podcast. He was tripping out.

He was just like, hey, George, like there's nowhere to sit. I was like, go sit on that girl's lap. Like it was even, dog. Imagine going to a strip club and you should see him perverts there. No, there was finance. They were throwing money on me on stage. It was girls were telling me to do coke off their pussy in front of everybody. And I was like, man, if everybody turns their phone off, I'll do it,

but I can't do it with phones out. You live in like the Mali crew, bro. You're the real dirt of comedy. That's what I love about you. Like Mali crew, dog. Hey, man, I had to. It was fun, dog. You know, because I've always pictured myself a stripper.

I always want to get on stage. I hate when new girls come to the club. I hate when bitches dance to my song. And I love strippers, dog. I got like a special love. Yeah, because like, you know, now everybody gives me free weed. The poor strippers, they're getting robbed. So at work, I give all the strippers, all the extra weed that I have.

And it saves them an hour because, you know, they got kids and families, dog. They get weed at work, go home, smoke, smoke with their boyfriend. It's cool. I'm getting a nice bond with strippers. I like it. Well, you see the humanity side from them. Exactly how you just said about. You see the humanity side.

Once you see that, the girl, you know, when a girl comes up to you and says, I am cinnamon, do you want a lab dance? And you're like, sure, you fucking pig. And then you're a barracuda. You know, you grab their tits that put, you have no respect. You grab the tit, that pussy until they go stop. And you're like, fuck you. I just gave you $25 for fucking a three minute terrible song.

I'm going to try to grab this pussy. And then once you stop that, you start talking to them. If they're real, they're like, my real name is Jesse. Yes. It's not cinnamon. Dr. Jesse is such a common name. And I have two kids, Jesse and Jennifer's. They're all hoes.

You never be more hoes named Jennifer in all your fucking life. Remember, I grew up with Irish girls. You mean that Jennifer, you're in, you're sucking the tits and the pussy. So it's like once you sit and talk to them, they go, my name is Jesse and my husband left me and I have two kids tonight there with their mother. If they're being honest with you, you know, in their voice. Yeah. And now they become a woman to you.

Now there's nothing different between her and your mom. They're just trying to make ends meet. She's trying up and she's got no education. You know, maybe she does, but she knows if she goes to an office, she can't take care of her baby. Exactly. This is the fastest way from A to Z. And the for sure way.

And the for sure way. She's still got a body left. Yeah. The pussy is still tight. I'll let you finger me with gloves on, you know what I'm saying? Because I want to have two more kids after this. I don't want to have fucking, uh, what's that? Sirius is in my pussy from your dead skin fingers.

I'm a nice day to strip. And one day she came up and she's like, you're not going to believe this. I go, what happened? She goes, a truck driver wanted to eat my ass for $60. At that time I was broken. Well, $60. Did you do it? She goes, you know, not really because I didn't want coffee breath in my asshole.

I go, what the fuck are you talking about? She goes, all truckers drink too much coffee. They have to stay up at night so their breath is like coffee. Next time, take the fucking coffee breath in your ass. It's your asshole. And it's really weird. I dated a stripper and dating them is completely different. No, yes.

Dating them. Now you're putting yourself on front street with them. And possessive. You're trying to be cool, but you ain't cool. Yeah. You're laying on guys. You're coming home and then you start making a little remarks. Go take a shower.

You're a snatched bitch. Oh, they hate that shit. And they hate that shit. So I dated one and that was it. I knew once that was over, there was no reason for me to walk. Like, I didn't even hang out a strip. I met her at a comedy club in Michigan and then she made me drive a home and then take it to what's the one with his 99 good looking ones and one ugly one and a fat one.

Deja Vu. Deja Vu. Yeah. Deja Vu. You're talking. Oh, gee, shit. That's oh, Deja Vu's line was 99 pretty ones and one ugly one. Yeah, they probably had an ugly one on purpose.

Do you have that? No, sometimes the ugly guys like we got like three ugly ones right now and these dirty best ones. Yeah. What do they do? They don't have any limits. Imagine just getting jacked off within a minute. Someone is a mad dog in you and you're not just staring at me in the eye.

Yeah, we got this one at my work right now, dog. Oh, she so find a DJ quit. She's not fine, but you can tell she knows how to fuck. And one of the DJs quit, came back a week later, got a drunk, strapped her down to his truck, took her home and he was like, dog. When I turned the lights on, I saw it right up. But when those lights were off, I was having the time of my life. And I was like, damn.

Yeah, some of those medium strippers, they've been fucking in suckers. They were eight in the fucking fourth grade. For real, it's crazy. Well, I met a girl about a year ago. We were just talking. I don't know what city, what Columbus, Utah, I think it was Utah. We were talking after the show. There was a couple of people that she told me right out.

Like, she goes, you don't understand. I started giving blow jobs in high school. Yeah, I'm going to be in a soft place to blow my boyfriend everywhere. That was the big thing. I'm like, damn. Yeah, some of these. And she was in front of a lot of other people. There's a lot of other people in the room, but you never fucking know.

You never know what these women have run up to. I like that you work at a strip club. And I like that you found that you look after them. Yeah, exactly. You look at them and you're like, they could be my daughter. Yeah. Any one of them could be my daughter. I see dad, dog.

I've had to like tell dads, hey, homie, I would love to let you in, but I lose my job. You want to, my advice, call her, wait for her in the, give her a thousand. This chick ain't going to leave this. She's making a thousand today. You better give her a thousand time to meet you outside and talk to them. There's been dads that come in there, dog. Really?

I'm like, she's she's 23. Sorry, dog. Like I'm not, well, I can't do anything trying to fight me and shit. You know, we had Chelsea Skidmore in here and she was saying that she danced for a while and her father found out and sent her a text. Oh, wow, you broke my heart or some shit. I would die, you know, yeah, but you have to look at it from here. Who knows why people do the things they do.

The evil men do George Perez. You got no dates in May, nothing in May, me neither. All right, let's do some, let's do like a 10 seater. First eight people that come to people on standby. I'll call you and we'll figure something out. Maybe we'll do some ice house. It's just to warm me up before or a belly room or something. What is it?

What am I doing? New Orleans and Atlanta, the eighth and ninth of June. So we'll do something. If you got any openings in Atlanta, dog, I'll pay my fine. No, no, no, I got to redo. I got my boy because he's coming up from Florida from a ship. Steve. Oh, yeah, you're rescheduling everything. Yeah, everything.

So fucking kill me, but I'm happy you took the time out all day. You did tremendous on your mama's house. You did tremendous today. And I'm proud. Thank you. Thank you. I learned a lot from you, man. Dangerous, my danger, danger, danger. I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the flying Jew.

And I want to thank you guys for listening and now for a word from our sponsors. All right, you dirty bastards. I want to thank George Perez. I want to thank the Christ killer, but most importantly, I want to thank you little fucking savages. But let's give a word out to our sponsors to get this party started.

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