Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #681 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about his trip to New York and what it was like to film a movie, his favorite part of the trip, and why it's important to not let your character ruin your destiny. This podcast is brought to you by: CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  Pro Flowers - It's Mothers Day. Get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Visit ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right corner, and use promo code HAPPENING.

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Tangle with me you dirty bitches that your uncle he's back Juvenized revitalized Fucking every rise, do you know what I'm saying? 19 days in the jungle what? Here we go Big hips and handlebars. What are you fucking nuts? Here we go What?

Now rich It's great to fucking be back I'm only home for a week and a half and I go back to finish shooting Couple days in New York City for starters. It was a great experience. It's great to be back. I missed you motherfuckers on a pro tip You know, it's the weirdest thing because when I got this movie and the movie I got guys I could tell you I can't tell you who's in the movie now that shit But I could take as you're from to find out anyway. It's out

I guess there was paparazzi taking pictures and one of my pictures came out so People are balling me. I'm in the Sopranos prequel uh, the Sopranos from 67 the many saints of newark. It's uh I was very fortunate to get it and when I got it I was happy but then I started thinking about it. I had to be there for three fucking weeks Plus I got another movie that I'm gonna shoot in June. Thank god. It's not At the same time. I thought I had to shoot them both at the same time But when I got the movie right away, I was happy for a few days and then I did what every fucking moron does

I started thinking about it And the more I thought about it. I didn't think I could survive 19 days around my wife and kid. What am I gonna do? you know Just a bunch of negative shit comes into your mind when something good happens and it happens at every fucking level as you notice I mean Just negative shit came in. I'm not gonna go. I'm not gonna do well And thank god for tom poppin another one of my friends that I talked that talked me into it I agreed to do it now. I'm very happy because it's uh, it was a life-changing experience that I needed right now

I've been getting flat you ever get flat in your fucking life like you just flat You go to work you do what you got to do when you go home you go to work You kind of become a machine and you look for something But you don't know what it is, you know when you stop wasting time Now you have all this fucking time To do what you really want to do with your life And sometimes you become flat. Yeah, you do a little writing you do this you do that But this 24 hours in a fucking day

You can't ride all day and you can't do jumping jacks all day And you can't sit around with your fucking friends all day You got to make forward progress, which is what i'm always doing But at the same time I got to be honest here. I got a little fucking bored like I just got bored And this movie came up and right away the fears come in Oh, yeah And again, I When I got on the plane I was fine when I landed in new york, you know, I had my anxiety my little panic fucking shit

I got to the hotel room and I started doubting myself blah blah blah blah blah blah But the first night I had to go to wardrobe And once I went to wardrobe and I figured out exactly what I was doing I was fine and I walked out of wardrobe. I had a hot dog right down 42nd street And then about an hour later when I got to the hotel about a block from the hotel I saw a fucking rat And I knew I was home like once I saw the fucking rat that was the sign that i'm in the gutter of life. I'm back here Where it all started. So I had a few days to go before I shot. I had like I got there monday

And I think I had to shoot wednesday and friday the first week wednesday and thursday because that friday I went to minneapolis. Thank you for coming to the shows with dean delray and then that Saturday was 420 with mo walkie. You guys are great two sold out shows Thank you very much the city of mo walkie was a great 420 Somebody fucking cosbyed me with a fucking edible and mo walkie I still don't know who it is and guess what? I don't give a fuck. He did a good job. I got fucked up but I came the first week. I was just

I was just frozen. I didn't know how to act. So that tuesday Before I did anything I took a fucking uber up to 88th street where I grew up when I came, you know I And It was just overwhelming to see the block where so much had happened I mean this when I moved into this apartment building. I was three quarters retarded And after I hit with that with the lunchbox and I started to experience new york city and what it was about and I grew into my skin. I became like a little man there like

I thought about all the things my mom would make me do like I remember whether I walked up and stood in front of the building And I was gonna take a picture and all that shit, but guess what I When I've took this trip I took it with the thing that I didn't want to do podcasts I didn't want to do a lot of stand-up comedy. I didn't want to book anything significant like nyak or a night in new york I just wanted to work out. So I did spots in danger fields Real light 10 12 people a night

Just up there riffing fucking around just to keep the timing alive And that that was it. I didn't want to do people's podcasts. I didn't want to be running around I just wanted to focus on this movie. I was gonna have a lot on my fucking plate I don't think my agents know that that's how I told my agents don't even talk to me about dates I don't want to know nothing All I want to do is focus on that fucking movie. I got a great opportunity I got to put 100 percent into it And I went up to my old neighborhood and I walked around then I went to the public school 166

I crossed the street to the horse place I never rode a horse there. I was always scared, but I would go in there and steal horseshoes And sell them to other kids and shit for like a dollar 50 cents whatever the fuck it was in those days a quarter Is this the neighborhood of mr. Martini? Yeah, this is mr. Martini's neighborhood. I saw mr. Martini's house It's worth like a half a fucking billion dollars now. It's a redstone. There's probably four kids buried in the backyard in a fucking place But it was just so weird what I got from standing in front of that building Like I remembered my mom would put a huge gold chain on me and make me go out To see if I would protect myself if somebody tried to rob it like

There were so many lessons that came to me while I'm standing in front of that fucking building And I just walked around that was it. I went up to all up to like 93rd street And then I walked down to like 79th street to like stand up new york. I looked around there I saw the cari dodd But I didn't want to eat chinese food because it's got a lot of sodium and you blow up And you don't want to be on camera fucking blow it up looking like fucking jolly cheech So I said fuck it. I only ate chinese food on east to sunday. I went to chans And I finished up the first week in new york was rough on the fucking diet

I only worked out one time and I want to thank inline fitness for helping me work out adam and my man jonathan And I also went to king's tie boxing Down on 30 fucking 6th street with my man jay the dominican and my girl carmen the porter reakin from the fucking bronx They hooked the brother up I went there a few times to keep in shape and to sweat out all the fucking sodium from the new york food And once I went up to that fucking neighborhood and walked around that's why I felt my balls like I was like, okay. This is who the fuck I am again This is where I came from and then that night, you know me

I'd hit rooties in close side park the first night. So I jumped on the motherfucking ferry From the new york waterworks there and took it into fucking edge while we walking And then my buddy picked me up and went to rooties and we hung out and I told him to take a ride around that fucking neighborhood just to see what that was like anymore I didn't go down to my mother's house or around that area. I just stayed up Lightly in north bergen And I went home early that night and you know the first night when you're out of california, you're not gonna sleep You're not gonna sleep because of the time change and

So I knew that going in that would give me a night just to get uh accustomed to you know filming And I went on the fucking set wednesday and it was uh It was a rough day for me because I hadn't acted in a movie You know movie and tv is different. I hadn't acted in the movie in a long time So the first day was type of kind of uh rough for me. I didn't know what was going on really But one of the actors I was watching him And he's fucking phenomenal and I just fed off his energy in a way And then I got into it and by the second day I was all the fucking way and you know, I tapped into david chases mind

I mean he is a guy that put a television show on that was the blueprint for breaking back, you know, sons of anarchy king of thrones, whatever the fuck gamer thrones So he had something to bring to the table. It's really weird When you work somebody of a high caliber you You open your eyes like I didn't watch my dailies, but I watched For two minutes. I watched what the cameras look like and shit And that's when it all came to me. What the fuck I was involved in like I had to go sit down My blood pressure had gone up like I'm involved in something fucking big

And I'm telling you guys I don't want it on social media I'm telling you guys because I don't want you guys to read it somewhere I'll see that picture. They put up for me and get it. I don't want I want you to hear it from me I can't that's all I can feel you and I'm uh I'm happy for you guys because you bet on me and I came through for you You know I'm saying so a year from now When the movie gets released, you know, you're part of it because We've been doing this podcast and like I've said since day one

This podcast you guys are my psychiatry because you keep me in fucking check You keep me working out. You keep me looking at things. You keep me trying to be sharper I take 16 months in between dates and cities So when I go back it's a new experience for you guys, you know what I'm saying, but Back to what happened in new york, you know When I was walking around It all came back to me, you know where I had come from I have a rule, you know, I like to travel for three days, especially when it comes to new york

Because when I'm in new york longer than three days, it takes me a few days To unwind like it takes me a little longer because it takes me back that far back like it takes me Into cocoa, you know when I was robbing and doing bad things So after a few days I go my mind goes to places. It shouldn't fucking go but In the same thought here. I am On the movie set And I thought about the stretch I had made and I thought about the things I had done

Along the way to get like I was back there in 93 grinding it out guys I was a fucking open mic or wishing I could get an audition, you know, I took a comedy class and I fucking Worked at the old new york comedy club and was I doing it right or what it doesn't matter I was in the struggle. I was there. I still remember paying You know $40 to park To audition for an improv troupe at the Copacabana But I had knew nothing about I was at the wrong place at the wrong time

When I walked in I still think today that those people remember who I am and they're laughing at me behind my back Because I went in and I didn't belong there, but that's not the here and now What was weird is that I saw my struggle back there as something meaningful It wasn't a waste those nine months I put into new york weren't a waste because here I was 20 something years later in a major film And that's a great fucking feeling. So even though I was thinking about robbing the hammock all across the street from the high school and We know when I went down side streets. I thought about the people I robbed on that block or the time I crawled into this window or

Whatever I looked at the bar where I used to borrow money from the loan shark and never paying back and You know, I looked at all these things and it just reflected of where The move I had made in my life and how proud I should be but I'm not I'm not because I was such a piece of shit That I'm just trying to get back now to just being normal Like I just want to be a regular fucking guy. I don't want to do nothing. I just want to live my life regular I want to be a good dad and a good husband go out that way as long as I go out that way I'm very fucking happy

But a lot of things came to focus for me in new york like even being a fucking immigrant you know like For years we've been living here and you never heard the word immigrant all of a sudden the last three years You know, we focus on immigrants and what the fuck's going on. I must have taken 90 fucking Ubers in new york the last 19 days 93. You got to figure four Ubers a day I took so many Ubers. I made platinum weapons. Damn. That's how many fucking Ubers. I took in new york But I tell you what that was probably the best part of my trip

where the Ubers Because I got the ride, you know, many white uber drivers pick me up three zero The whole time the whole time The whole time it was fucking third world nations a couple hindu's and fucking spanish people A couple chinese people the most inspiring was a girl that picked me up in the heart of brooklyn

At two in the fucking morning a hindu girl. She had been in this country for one Year, you ready for this one year And she was she spoke like she had been here for 10 fucking years She said it was important to her to learn english So she'd get the most out of her stay so she could become an american That fucking cracked me Like that cracked me. She said she was working at an indian restaurant. She was getting eight bucks an hour And she got sick and tired of having a boss

So she does uber from 12 to nine six nights a week And she tripled her fucking income And she says she works nights because there's no traffic. It's better for a fucking woman telling me this shit I'm like, I know guys were scared to drive uber at fucking night. Here's this little 110 pound little indian girl you know I was so fucking blown away from her I got picked up by fucking arabs I that that was so interesting to speak to

About why they were ubering like it's people who one day said fuck it If i'm gonna get fucked in the ass, i'm gonna control my own destiny And they make a schedule and they stick to it. I mean this guy was you know, these guys were telling me a little Every time I get in I'd ask them how long they've been driving Why they're driving and how they liked it not one of them said they hated They picked their own hours They were their own bosses I mean, I remember the fucking day. I realized you could do that. I was probably

I was before I got locked up. I had this boss named David Wayne means That used to always say I never want to live in a world where I have to have a ceiling over my income Like I don't want to be stuck at a certain fucking income. I want every week to be an adventure. Yeah There's 52 weeks. You're not going to make $6,000 every fucking week But even if you make 800 it's better than having your own boss I looked at all these people that were immigrants That figured out the real fucking american way And I thought about all the fucking stiffs i'm around down here

To the fucking bumpies that that are waiting for a fucking handout or they just you know, and it inspired me It inspired me the other day I was talking to deborah fucking hupster She's fucking uber that bitch don't stop You know, you can't stop deborah fucking hupster. You got to shoot her with a fucking bazooka You're not going to stop her, you know So these are the people that keep me fucking going when I spoke to all and look at I goof around and all this shit But hey man, the truth is the fucking truth these people bloom. That was the best part of being in new york with you But the whole 19 days the people that I spoke to the chinese

I spoke to this old chinese guy That was a fucking engineer and he retired But he fucking wanted to do any cabs not one not one cab. Wow not one cab I ubered fucking everywhere. I just thought it was easier. There was no drama and I figured out that Believe it or not, you save money with uber You save a lot of fucking money with uber, man I was seeing what I was spending on cars and shit It's ridiculous

It is fucking ridiculous You know, I have a friend that has a car service and I would call him up. Listen when I to go to the airport I could get there myself When you after you take a six-hour flight, you really don't want no fucking stories After i'm on a six-hour fucking flight. I don't want to walk the terminal fucking six upstairs With three bags of fucking luggage and my legs are all dead And ubering for the uber to say 20 minutes and then you're out there. I'm in terminal e You're in where you f I put it down in the fucking thing and you said okay

I put down f terminal f and you said okay, and now you're calling me from fucking e Take a run. Take a run. I did it to the guy at lax the other night Take a fucking lap around. I don't give a fuck at this point I'm not carrying three fucking bags one that weighs fucking a thousand pounds The terminal fucking eat, you know, but besides that I had no complaints. I love uber. I fucking love I know that at the end of the week I saw when I took a cab from lax to my house I saw what I was spending

And I saw that they had become a little bit of these scumbags like the one day I wasn't paying attention and the guy took me home on the 105 next thing I was downtown la Why am I downtown la? Because there's traffic no there's not it's 9 15 the fucking morning Your tip is done like I had to tell him your tip is gone I hope you enjoyed a fucking eight dollars you tried to rob from me because I usually throw you a fucking 20 spot Now you get nothing for being a fucking dirty sneak You know, you got now I learned all about uber and the surcharges

You can't fuck around with uber in certain times in new york. They will rape you Oh, yeah, they will fuck and shove it up your ass and well deserved. Listen. It's uh, it's an economics It's shortage of whatever it rains in new york That surcharge goes up 40 bucks. Oh, yeah There was a couple nights. I landed at the fucking ferry and I would go to danger fields and it would say 50 bucks at 840 So I would sit there and make phone calls till 9 0 5 And it would go down to 31 dollars after nine

Oh, yeah, whenever busy they yeah, they just raised but at least like with them with them. I always feel like it's At least they're up front. That's the thing that's that gets on my nerves, too It's when it's when you feel like people are trying to get something over on you Well, that's what happened the last time I took a cab and I always supported cabs Because I've been taking them for years, but after I got robbed this last time I said fucking and I looked at what I paid You know like there's uber x and there's uber xl when I have luggage I got uber xl if I got to go from 3rd avenue to 8th avenue and 20 blocks of uber x I don't need no fucking, you know, I'm not gonna take a train. I took one fucking train to brooklyn

I thought I was gonna have a heart attack I thought I was gonna have a heart attack guys. I I just listened. You don't want to be underground No, I don't have any problem with that. Shit. I'm from the underground. You know I'm saying I'm from the original underground I took more trains than johnny fucking trains, but You're not used to it no more The train every time I get on this train you feel for your life For those fucking 18 minutes on that train ride to brooklyn. I actually feel it for my life ladies and gentlemen I'm not gonna lie to you. I actually felt around in my pocket. I had no keys

I could stab somebody with a hotel key for the first time. I didn't have fucking a key in my pocket I'm like, how am I gonna fight one of these attackers? I got no mace all I got's a right kick to the stomach And if that don't work, I'm done I'll have a heart attack from anxiety if somebody attacks me I and I went up there at 11 30 in the morning And I felt unsafe first of all nobody'll give you directions Right, New Yorkers just will not give you directions that little information box They've lowered the volume. Oh, fuck with you. Like, excuse me. I gotta get off on 65th street in brooklyn

The guy talked like he had a fucking something up his ass And he was like whispering to me like it was a mob like I was in the fucking mafia or something like this I go, can you speak up first now? I was petrified. So before I think I could you ever take information from somebody? You don't trust him. Yeah, you know many times I gave out fake information in my life people come up to me I was Kenipsi street and I'd send them to the fucking Delaware These people in these boxes. I did not trust for one minute They were looking me up and down like and they would I felt that they were sending me on a train So I get robbed or something

So I only took a train one day. I got a call from the movie people and they go, listen It's an easy train ride. I go, you know what? What's a fucking train ride? Uncle Joe, right? It was like a six block walk. I didn't mind that that I didn't mind But once I went downstairs, it's a complete different fucking world. You ever see the original planet of the apes There's a movie called beneath the planet. The apes that came out in 1971 or 72 They go they all lived under the trains There was something to do under the fucking trains where the people ripped their skins off their faces And they were martians or they were fucking whatever and that there was them against the apes. Let me tell you something

I felt like one of these people were about to rip their face off when I They were the fucking weirdest looking people in the world people looking for money Some guys thrown on the fucking floor. You could smell piss By the time you're there you see a thousand fucking rats on the train track and you took this on the wrong way You're looking at a post and you could see things moving Like it's like did I do a fucking edible at 10 30 in the morning? No, I didn't and then you realized shit That's right. Those are rats down there. Let me stay a little bit away from the fucking thing Jesus

So I get on the fucking train and right away on the train. There's a guy, excuse me You know, I got AIDS. I got an ingrown toenail. I got back acne You know, there was another guy playing a fucking organ It was I feared from everybody on the train looked angry. I could hear some guy coughing with bronchitis I could feel the bronchitis creeping in on my thing I had to get off walk a little bit and then get on another train And what I did was I called a friend of mine that was in his office And I made him look up, you know, he takes trains but he takes other different type of trains like in Manhattan

And I called him up and he carved it out for me and thank god I got to the location When I walked above and I saw Brooklyn I said, I'm never taking the train again. Like my daughter wants to go on the train. I don't know no more Like I don't know that was just fucking crazy on that fucking train. They ain't no better They stabbed somebody yesterday at the echo park station. Did they really? Yeah, it was on the news Somebody was saying it yesterday when I came back. I went over the subconscious Because it was Saturday. I came I had to go Just one class with the baby and I figured they had to take a shower and shit

So I figured let me take a fucking drive And see what's cracking the neighborhoods owned by subconscious and I was telling them I got on a I got on the train for the adventure And it was the adventure of death like I was fucking scared when I got off I don't have to lie to you people, you know, I tell you how the fuck it is when I came above that ground. I was like, whew I fucking made it without getting raped. I mean because that's what I felt like Like they were gonna surround me and fucking rape me on that fucking train But

That was it for the fucking trains Besides that I got the full fucking experience, man I took the ferry. I got to smell the Hudson River. It still smells horrible. How are the hot dogs? I only had one. That's it one. That was it. I had one on wardrobe day I stopped some fucking Arab. I said Sam Bray. He looked at me like I called him a fucking Islam He put the fucking sabre down with the onions. I ate it, but I said something's not right He was a nice guy. We talked for a little while and everything It's just not the

It's not the same. I had it the first week I was there. I didn't I can't tell you I went off my diet But you know when I went to the the first day on the sat and all that stuff The set had tremendous food, but I didn't eat salami the whole time. I was there no co-cuts If I would eat a slice of pizza I needed with a fucking salad I kept I drank nothing but water. I didn't even drink fucking diet soda The only thing I drank that was sugar and it was compucha That was it just to clean my system out because you got the Hudson River water going into every day Cleaning you out. I stuck to it guys. I fucking stuck to my weight watcher points

I like I said I went to inform fitness on 51st street across the street There was Giuseppe's or something's pizza Cusumato's pizza I would lift and I would go across the street get a slice with a salad And then I would make myself walk 12 or 15 fucking blocks And then I I saw how I felt and I'd take an Uber the rest of the way Or I would just walk home To whatever hotel I was staying in I said I stayed at three different fucking hotels in three weeks

The first week I said the Williams hotel, which was great on 39th and fucking 30. It was a great hotel clean fucking coffee and shit like that It was an English theme hotel and they didn't have breakfast in the building And you had to walk two blocks to get fucking breakfast And you know, yeah, you can make coffee in the room and I would get up and ride do my early riding I had a vapor pen which guess what guys I'm done with vapor pens Really? Yeah, they don't do nothing to me My it's it's in the morning for two or three days after that. I could sit there like Pocahontas

Smoking a peace pipe and nothing fucking happens to me. So I'm really done with vapor pens I brought an ounce and a half of fucking weed. I brought an ounce of this cake something That was 27% And I I wanted to space out the weed. So I only smoked two joints a day I smoked a bat in the morning before I got in the van to shoot And I smoked a bat right on the fucking set before I got back in the van And I would get fucking wasted. How much did you bring back? Not I said the last joint

I smoked the last joint before I got in the fucking Uber to the airport Oh, shit. It worked out perfectly I spread it out. I'm gonna fucking my dog. I'm gonna smoke it for 30 fucking years I had it to the tea and people gave me weed like uh when I went to the Theater in minneapolis in milwaukee. The guy had to give me an eighth of weed. He bought in colorado I gave that to my friend george and then my other buddy Gave me a bag of weed that his friend had grown. I gave that away. I only smoked the weed I brought I didn't want to smoke anything else and it lasted me. I smoked the last bazooka

Don't don't get me wrong. I roll some big fucking joints. Yeah, I roll some fucking no fingers So don't get me wrong. I smoked an ounce in two weeks I got when I got back from Milwaukee. I cracked into the ounce And I smoked the same weed for two weeks. I gotta tell you it was fucking tremendous. I mean the whole trip Was tremendous guys. It's amazing. How scared we get When something's gonna be good How fucking scared we get all I kept thinking about was when I started comedy how scared I was Like how scared I was to get on fucking stage

And once I did it it changed everything And this trip changed everything for me. It changed my outlook on things Like I said at the beginning it rejuvenized me I did the boldito podcast. That was great. I love carlo and I love bow But while I was doing it, I knew I didn't belong there. Like I was like I shouldn't be doing any fucking podcast. I'm gonna take a break from podcast And that's exactly what I did. I took a break from podcasting for 10 days 19 days And uh, it just felt great guys. And I mean you're like joey. What the fuck listen, man

We all need a break from time to time We don't know it. We don't even know it What we got ahead so far up our fucking asses That we don't even know when it's time to take a break or breathe it And then when it happens, you're like, man I really fucking needed this, you know, the last thing I fucking thought I could do was leave my family I loved that little girl with all my fucking heart guys

I didn't want it to fall into a bad situation or something. I gotta tell you man It was the best thing for us In our home, you know, it showed a work value on my part. It showed that I'm not scared on my part You know, I faced uh, whatever time with them every day I spoke to her every day before she went to school I made it a fucking point to call her before she went to school the same thing I do And talk to when I tell her before we get off don't let nobody mess with you today And then I talked to her at night

And it was just uh It was just great. It was just something different something new, you know, I got like I said I gotta go back next week for six days and I yes, I am looking forward to it I get to wrap this fucking great opportunity and I got offered to me by the grace of God and I got another breather I got another breather to walk around this time I'm gonna go to my mother's cemetery. I gotta go to Union City and walk around a little bit I'm gonna go catch to see that. I didn't even have a Cuban sandwich

Didn't even have a Cuban sandwich. That's how much I watched and what I ate Because I know how you blow up back there. You blow up quick. No sweets whatsoever one of the nights I took a flan and I ate half of it and I threw the rest of it in the garbage That was the only sweet I had in 19 fucking days. No sweets at all. I had a chocolate thing On jet blue mint like a motherfucker always taking care of uncle joey. They have expresses That's why I fly jet blue mint Because they give you expressively give you a little dark chocolate Which is very good for you from time to time. So that's the only sweet

That's the only fucking sugar. I ate this week. I'm gonna watch it Then I'll go shoot and then when I come back let the pieces fall over there, man I'm back to stormy sandwiches at night But for right now, I gotta watch this because you gotta look good on camera You don't want to look fucking bloated. I mean the second thing I was there There was a point in the whole tower room That I pissed every 15 minutes for three hours Why like from those three flights after I got there from

Newark that monday I didn't do shit And I went out. I did a bunch of little errands around new york. I had a mail some stuff and do shit That fucking monday. I was in my whole tower room From three to seven And from three to five I pissed every 15 minutes And it was three to four minute pisses My body had retained

so much fucking water from the flights Even my water pills didn't, you know But what I did was that monday when I got back I didn't do much but I lifted I went up to inform fitness and I lifted and that forced all that fucking fluid I had out of me which felt And when I got to east to sunday I ate chinese food So to top off the fucking

The three plane rides and me retaining water I had to fucking chinese food and that really put me over the fucking top So monday my old fucking cuban ass. I was just pissing I was ready to call the fucking 911 to come get me because I thought I was just going to dehydrate there on the spot I wasn't even thirsty. It was just my body was holding so much fucking fluid in it that it was uh It was fucking life changing, you know what I'm saying It's funny. I got a call when I was in new york the other day from a friend of mine

You look at opportunities, you know Here I am shooting a soprano movie. Let me tell you guys a little story I got here in 97 And I was doing okay, you know getting spots. I mean I was enlightening the world on fly. I was hustling I was doing the mexicans rooms with felipe willy barsana gabriel all those guys And I was starting to pick up momentum right after 9 11 right before 9 11. I got a call one day from rich williams He's a writer. We were with the same manager and he goes I got a new gig Uh, it's working for the best damn sport show

And they want to do sketches and I want to bring in so you could do regular sketches. So he brought me the first time They liked me. So they called me up and they gave me a shooting schedule I thought I was gonna light the world on fire. I was making 150 dollars a show Nothing, that's nothing. I thought I was gonna get like 2000. Oh when I got the call I'm like that's gotta be 2000. It's fox sports and shit. They're gonna give me some of that frank caliendo money. They gave me Frank was already established on fox sports I get to the fucking thing brody stevens. God rest his soul is on is the warm-up Rich is there, you know cup all that. So I got into the rotation

I must have done over 50 fucking sketches from just to let you know guys how life is, you know I must have done 50 sketches for these guys And all of a sudden this comic from boston moved to town very italianist comic He came from boston with a bad reputation. I never judged him. I didn't really care I had a mission to go on and He hit the town like a fucking animal. I can't even describe it to you guys He hit the town like something I never saw before. I thought I was finished

I'm like whatever little heat I had going on This kid has taken away my fucking heat. Not only was he getting getting spots at the store jaymasada was giving him spots the improv was giving him spots He was the hot kid in town and this went on for about a year and a half It went on so long that one day guess who hired him the best damn sport show And I went to fox and pitched him an idea and like a month later

This guy was doing my idea on fox now If you know anything about me, I could have gone up to the guy and said something I didn't talk to the producers. I pitched ever again. They kept calling me with some bullshit story I never picked up the phone for them again And eventually I just stopped working there. This guy had taken my uh thunder from me I never said nothing to the guy

I knew the guy had personal problems. I had hurt things. I wasn't jealous I wasn't angry. I just knew something You haven't know something like you just know I didn't wish nothing bad on the guy or anything I just knew something. I knew that I would outlast him I knew that if I kept my peas and my cues that I would outlast him and

He got a television deal He was around town bragging and By the time I got the law then I started picking up a little momentum after the Sopranos blah blah blah blah blah and He moved away something happened in LA The tv show didn't go

And now I already was in Vegas and every time I would hear about him It's how good he was doing in Vegas. He was the king of Vegas He had seven nights a week going at this casino and people were showing up He was making all types of money. Was I jealous at all? No, I was doing my own thing by that time But something didn't seem right, you know I kept plugging along and didn't think of anything about it I started getting you know, my name is Earl and there was a strike and My stand-up evolved and I thought about quitting stand-up. He was still doing great

You know in Vegas I saw him at a u of c event He walked up to me with the egotistical fucking smile that he had But meanwhile he had done a bunch of little bad things here and there which again, I did worse things But I did him in my youth. I wasn't doing him as a comic and I don't know maybe five years ago a friend of mine calls and he goes Did you look on facebook? What's going on in in in Vegas with this kid?

And I went on facebook and I found the article and it was just overwhelming The poor kid had had a bad bad bad gambling problem. He had just a bad gambling problem That followed him from boston to la and To vegas now, you know, I mean It's like me moving to miami when I had my coke problem. You're just going there to die You know, you're just going there to fucking die

It's a bad decision. This guy decided to move to vegas And yeah, even though he was making money. He was borrowing money But I mean borrowing money from people like Lee, give me 30,000. Oh my god, and people give him 30,000 10,000 some old lady gave him 60,000 You know, he's a he had to gift a gab You can't blame it on the guy if you're gonna go for money go for it If you ask 10 people for $50,000 to them, we're gonna give them to you, you know, that's the law I guess eventually that's fucking scary. You go up to your friend with a good story. They'll give it to you

And he took all their money He had a tax lien on him And then All these people went to the newspaper And wrote this fucking they wrote this big article in the vegas newspaper about this kid And I felt bad for the kid. I felt bad for the kid because Once I got into comedy the only vice I brought with me was cocaine and I kept it to a minimum I still didn't interfere it did not interfere with my comedy

I did my comedy first and I took care of my drug business later It wasn't like they were going back and forth Yeah, I sold coke to people from time to time at the club and I put eight balls together But it didn't affect me from doing my fucking job It did But it didn't I was a functioning addict Okay, let's let's leave it at that

so They put the article in the paper about this guy and blah blah blah blah blah blah. Guess what they keep giving them jobs He keep you know, it was smaller gambling venues kept giving them jobs And when I was in new york, I got a call from a dear friend of mine from boston And he goes I just wanted to tell you something I did a gig last week and guess who's back in town. I go. I don't know

He told me this kid and I'm like no Did they chase him out of vegas and he goes? Yeah And he's here in town saying that he's gonna open up 11 comedy club But he's already bounced a bunch of checks Oh And you know guys, I felt like I wasn't by no means am I happy By somebody else's no means. I'm at an age now. I don't it doesn't even bother me. I feel bad I feel bad for jesse smollett. I feel bad for a lot of people. We had we fuck around and crack jokes

But I kind of feel bad for him that at this age, which is my age he's still Pulling that same thing And I got to tell you something guys between me and you He was a great comic. He was a phenomenal improviser And he could have turned out to be 20 times The comic that I am see ovan is

You know triply this guy could have been fucking huge today But because he didn't take care of that problem You know he He let his character ruin his fucking destiny You know what? I had a bad fucking drug problem all the time I thought it was 44 years old And something hit me like a bolt of lightning one day and before the grace of god Here we fucking are and I haven't done a fucking line in 12 fucking years

And I'm very thankful. Yeah, I do my fucking edibles. I'm back on the edibles. By the way, I get an edible Before I got on the jet blue flight, right and I had to switch flights You know me. I'm an asshole. I was done and I switched flights. I took a later flight. I had my own little box Mint And I could take the fucking edible as I get to the airport I take a water from mint and run on the tsa line I pop one of those hundred milligrams that's killing motherfuckers As I walk through I could feel my heartbeat

You know what? I need a xanax to calm this tiger And my buddy Gave me two of them when I saw him in new york So I had one in my pocket and I broke it in half and inhaled half of it I saved the other half when I got off the plane So I get home and go to sleep I get on the plane You know me I put on my fucking ipod and I start off with fucking super unknown

And the plane was delayed but they took off from the gate in time. It just kept you know Driving and it drove around for like 20 minutes in the fuck. I thought we were in kansas I'm fucking stoned that it goes and all of a sudden like the fucking half hour mark the pilot says that listen There's a lot of weather problems in the midwest. We don't know if we'll be able to take off tonight Don't let us know they're gonna pull over to the side of the road. There was a bunch of planes on the side going bias They had been okay because they were flying south Planes that were flying west were all on on hold because of the bad weather in the midwest. It was tornado system ship Now i'm starting to think maybe

I should have stayed on my plane Maybe this fucking planes when I go down. So now I start panicking the thc takes me to a place I'm thinking this plane's gonna go down. I'm thinking about my funeral. You're writing your will I'm thinking about my cemetery. I'm thinking about everything. I'm like, oh my god I'm never gonna see my family my friends my daughter again. This plane's gonna go down And I'm like, what do I do? I go hopefully they'll cancel this flight And I'll get back on my original flight and fuck it Fuck no

About 20 minutes later the pilot comes out and he goes we're leaving Now my little fat heart is beating up a storm. I start farting the whole fucking The blame takes off and on on jet blue. You've got movies tv and direct tv So I'm thinking I'm doing the sign of the cross. I'm playing. I'm praying to every god that exists I fucking press the button for direct tv and I see cnn headlines and I press that Oh, no And the first article that comes up is plane goes down in florida Friday night a plane went down from montanamo from cuba

And right away. I was happy. I go one of the chances two planes going down on one night. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. I'm good And after that the fucking high went away and I was fine to go. That's not where I would have gone Oh god. Oh my god. I was petrified that thc trip took me to a dark place. Thank god You started farting when you get nervous. Yeah, I started farting. I fart when I'm nervous and not I just start farting so It's just really weird that This kid had all the potential to be in this movie that I'm in and 20 other fucking things

But he let his gambling get in his way, you know a couple weeks ago. I went to see shinyun With my daughter the saturday before we left. She likes all that chinese stuff That she wanted to go see shinyun. I don't know if I told you guys the story And I'm sitting there next to in between my daughter and my wife. There's seats everywhere I'm looking towards my left And all of a sudden something hits the chair next to me Like a fucking meteor Like boom boom

And I turn around and this is lady and I got no reason to lie to you. She was about 400 fucking pounds She did not fit in that fucking chair. She was fucking that was fat coming out of everywhere Now again, I didn't judge her. I felt bad for her She was there with her mother And there was a seat next to my wife and she kept trying to hit if I could move to that seat So she could put her mother there like a listen. I'm gonna sit in my fucking chair You know, I'm not fucking moving for your mom She was a real pain. He asked this one, but eventually my wife said you want me to sit there

And I'll sit at the other I'll switch with you. So I went and switched She was a few years younger than me. She was about 400 pounds. She had a cane And she was there with her mom and she was talking to my wife and I was listening to the conversation about Her being on disability because of her weight That she's tried every diet blah blah blah blah blah blah that she was a school teacher But her knees would bother her so much and she had to use a cane and the whole thing And here she is a 50-something year old woman She's single

She's at this play with her mom That her mom had to buy her the ticket for for her to come there She's living just to survive on this disability check where she could be a teacher And it really hit me a weird way because it hit me to the fact that Here's this lady that could have had a life If she just lost a little bit of weight like if she just tried To lose a little bit of weight. She would have had a fucking life. She would have had a husband

She would have had kids She wouldn't have to be at a fucking play on a sunday with a mom. Not that there's nothing wrong with that But do you guys understand what i'm going for? She let this one thing get in her way and take her down like she's already done with her life She's 50-something years old unless she goes like on a fucking huge huge diet She's never gonna have the life of a normal girl It wasn't that she was a bad-looking girl anything If this girl would have dropped 200 pounds when she was 28 and focused on it

She still would have been teaching. She wouldn't have had a fucking ceiling and come on a disability And she would have had what's called a fucking life Which is the reason why we do what the fuck we do every day For years. I struggled with a fucking addiction That held me back and held me back Thank god that I watched the movie ray And somewhere along the line. I said that he had struggled with heroin when he was 60 years old like And i'm going if I have to do this till i'm 60

I'm just not it's gonna be a waste of my fucking life You know, I woke up one day. I was 418 pounds And I said I gotta do something about it. I walked into a weight watch and i'm so happy I did Because I avoided the diabetes. I avoided all the pains and aches that go with it. I'm still a fat fuck I'm still 60 pounds overweight, but it's a lot better than being 200 pounds overweight the 300 pounds overweight this poor lady Let her weight ruin her fucking life Whether it's weight an opiate problem

You know gambling gambling Fucking insecurities You're letting these things hold you back From having a fucking life What a shitty way to fucking go you're gonna be sitting there in a fucking bed A week away from dying thinking about all the things you wanted to do But you didn't because you let something

Hold you fucking down I couldn't imagine being that comic embossed in today And still playing the games I was playing in 1995 and 1998 and 2003 Where I was always in the hustle and always in the chase and and lying together 20 and a 40 and a 60 and Lying to my wife by just doing cocaine. It was such a fucking relief. I don't care what you got going on with your life If you got something in your life that's stopping you From making your life be that much a little better Attack it attack it. Listen. I'm not saying you're gonna win completely

but I'd rather Drink two shots of vodka Than 10 bottles of vodka a week I'd much rather eat two Oreos Than a whole bag Oreos and two fucking nights I'd much rather You know for a year. I fucking didn't do edibles. I didn't like two or three times

You saw me here for five years eat an enormous amount of edibles And one day I said something isn't right. It's holding his back. It's holding me back and there you go There you fucking go in a year. We've made so much fucking progress And yeah, I ate some edibles when I was back in new york to help me sleep Because the time change I brought edibles with me. It's fine. They're not consuming Who the fuck I am. I didn't eat an edible yesterday I'm not I'm not thinking about eating one today and I got a few of them left at the fucking house But it's these little things if they're not going to let you

Get to who the fuck you are Think about that whether it's opiate Whether it's pills. I mean There's a church listener Today is the memorial for a son crystal In austin who used to date bobby sharon with the cobra cast podcast. My heart goes out to a 28 years old the son They found them dead 10 years ago 10 days ago

It's been bothering me. I called the last week and I you know, I hit it up on On fucking I had a message because her and I Were messing you because the t-shirts, you know when I went away I didn't take facebook with me and the only twitter I had was on my fucking phone I didn't have no social media in the hotel at all. I didn't want it. I wanted to take a fucking break from it Uh bobby called me and said And I thought about it 28 years old that could have been me when I kidnapped bella A bullet could have gone off and hit me in the leg and it would have cut an artery or something

I could have bled out all the things that could have happened. It's not what I'm dwelling on today What I'm talking about is if you have something That isn't letting you be Will you strive to be? Just work on it a little bit I'm not telling you to quit. I know how hard it is to get clean Don't I fucking know it? It took me 27 fucking years. It's not going to take you overnight either

Thank god my fat little heart didn't give up along the way There was a time when my wife Was fucking time my shoelaces. There was a time that if the elevator was broken I would not go upstairs. It was three flights of fucking stairs Now listen, I'm not flying upstairs and I'm not running stairs at the LA auditorium But at least I'm not huffing and fucking puffing no more You know if something's in your way, it's an obstacle of you becoming Who you need to become

Fucking get it out of your way at least push it a little bit just to the side just for now Just so you go around it so you don't become a fucking slave to it like I did for years I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. I'm just telling you what I see through my fucking eyes like I'm just When I was packing to leave I thought about the show the Sopranos And I thought about how that fucking guy went to the producers and told him that I told somebody And all of a sudden my mind switched I was like

How happy am I that he went to the producers because at the end of the day I wasn't ready I would have made a fool out of myself even though I was here 10 years I had been already involved in acting maybe three or four. I'd done a few movies I was not ready for what david chase And high level people had to offer. I just wasn't ready Today, I thank Steve Sharipa with all my heart For going to the Sopranos behind my back because I got to work

I got to the original fucking goal anyway And now guess what now i'm ready for it Now I I absorbed it like a fucking sponge and I went in there and when you guys watch the movie you're gonna go You know what we're fucking proud I'm gonna make you proud That you put your money on me that you bet on me that every week even though I say the most fucking rudest things You believed in me

You know you come watch me you buy the t-shirts We're a fucking family a win for me is a win for you. You're a part of this Not because you're a fucking fan of mine But because you believe you send me messages You send me stuff in the mail. We've created something fucking great When I was when I would go home at night after I would shoot this movie Yeah, I would think about my daughter and my wife But I thought a lot about you guys and what you were gonna think about it

And how you've been listening for six years and You've seen a change in yourself and you've seen a change in me. This is what I I'm here to do a podcast that I stand behind 150 every week what I talk about on this podcast I strictly believe you know, I went home And I saw one of my buddies When we were talking about sushi and I go, where do you go for sushi goes? I used to go to that place But I found out they were Koreans. Fuck them That's our mentality

That's where I came from. I was happy that there's still people who thinks like me. I'm not a fucking martian I came from a place where there was class. There was a little respect. North bergen is a fucking hole You know, but it's my hole It's what created me that new york city. I saw two fucking rats when I was there I saw a rat the first day and I saw a rat Thursday night, I saw a rat Thursday night that looked like a fucking cat in brooklyn Not only was he big he stopped and he looked at the vehicle like go ahead I dare you to hit me your fucking carl dent

This thing looked like a fucking like a little I saw a skunk too in north bergen Uh saturday night, I went out with one of my childhood fucking friends. I mean Childhood childhood childhood friends. I was supposed to do a thousand things and he called me out of blue And he goes, hey man, I have time tonight to go out to dinner with you He's an assemblyman now And I said I'll go out to dinner with you on one condition That we don't talk politics And there's no fucking politicals around to fucking bring me down and he goes done

So he went to this restaurant in jersey city called alexander steakhouse On the way back we went fucking we took the scenic route. He showed me all the accomplishments he had done in north bergen I'm very proud of him. You know, he took over hudson county park. He took over But he showed me what the plans were for north bergen in the future, you know, and we went to my mother's neighborhood We went to we looked at the school all this on saturday night While more people jumping up and down We wouldn't have had a nice fucking dinner on the way back. We just drove we just drove 20 miles an hour we drove

He showed me what two guys were. Well the brood I used to walk We drove by all my friends houses to see how their houses looked all the construction that's happened the last 30 years And I got to see him. I got to see george. I got to go out with a friend named tizia I got to see timmy halloween at the new york comedy club. I got to see some comics I haven't seen around wild sarah tallamash who might be on the show next week and bob bigger staff It really was i'm happy that tom papa and everybody else Talked me out of my fucking fears If you get an opportunity man

And it feels right, but your fear takes over Just do it for yourself. Take a fucking chance. Who gives a fuck anymore without taking chances Nothing is going to happen for you in this life. Nothing I took the biggest chance in my life You know, I I can't get into the particulars about the movie and whatnot but listen man, uh Take the fucking chance Don't do what I did for years and a thousand other people were scared of making forward progress

Fucking go for it. Who gives a shit if you fail? You're gonna fail 80 times the thing is the more you go The less the failures every year you get less failures In 82 you're gonna have 21 failures your jeep's gonna blow up. That's all part of life What you're trying to do is keep the failure rate down throughout the years So there's no fuck ups and pretty soon You're running fucking smooth because you've already overtaken all these fucking failures that come in your life Things are gonna happen

Things happen when I was in new york I didn't make a big deal about I had a migraine headache for four days. Nobody had a viking in you know shit like that, but You just push forward. I'm very happy I accepted that role. I'm very happy. I went to new york And I'm very happy that I get to fucking make you guys proud of me And with that, let me give you some dates. I'm gonna do right now. All I'm fucking pushing is june 6th I don't know june 7th at the harris

in uh, New Orleans And june 8th. I'm at the tabernacle mother fucking theater In atlanta fucking george. How's that for you motherfuckers? Then I got yeah june 28 29th. I'm in columbus four shows In and out no fucking drama and the full schedule will be out mid-may of what's left for the rest of the year I'm not gonna do much just a couple weeks here and there just to keep fucking loose and whatever. Thank you very much For letting me ramble today about my experience the whole time I was there I thought about you guys and I thought about how I almost fucking turned down the project

To be a little fucking pussy and I thought about how Bad I would feel for you guys if I were to turn it down Because of my fucking fears never be scared of nothing and never be scared of moving forward now for a word from our sponsors I want to talk to you people about something that's very important to me and that's cbd all you want to find A reliable cbd company, but they're all over the fucking place. Everybody's got a cbd all you don't know what you're buying That's like the jingling explosion of the 80s. You're probably buying fucking dick with cbd line You know what the fuck you're buying? Why because before you even spend a dollar you're gonna go on their website cbdline.com

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I'm at the tabernacle You're gonna fucking love it. You understand me than columbus under 28 and 29th. I want to thank you I want to thank your families. I want to thank all you motherfuckers for supporting the church I want to thank the christ killer for always being here And that's it and that's that i'll see you thursday morning Nice and fucking early tip top magoo. Have a great week. Uncle joey loves you. Kick this fucking muley I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

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