Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #682 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: May 8, 2019

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian, actress seen on MTV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Pro Flowers - It's Mothers Day. Get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Visit ProFlowers.com, click on the microphone in the upper right corner, and use promo code HAPPENING.   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   

Greetings from podcast Ville. It's Wednesday, May 8th. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by Pro Flowers. Don't forget to thank the real pros. This Mother's Day, which is Sunday, cock-suckers. It's coming up May 12th. Do not forget, where would you be without your mom?

Where would you be? You'd be nowhere. Number one, my mom is dead, so we're cool there. I'll send the flowers to the cemetery. But number two, I do have a special mom, and that's my wife, Terry. I gotta hook her up. In fact, me and Mercy are gonna get her a few gifts.

We're gonna go to Pro Flowers and send her two dozen flowers because that's how we roll, you understand me? Right now, you get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Again, that's $19.99. Double the roses and get a premium vase for just $9.99 more. That's it, it's that easy. If you love your mother, you send her the roses and you go over there and hang out.

If you don't love your mother, you keep an arm distance. You still send her the roses and you tell her you can't come over because you got the Chinese flu. That's it, it's that easy. It all starts with you. Go to proflowers.com. Click the microphone on the upper right corner and then the promo code church.

That's proflowers.com. The church is also brought to you by Zip Recruiter, saving you time, energy, and money. Why, Joey? Because it's hard to find qualified candidates. It takes a long time, too many applicants, and Zip Recruiter will make it easier and easier. You understand me?

Zip Recruiter sends your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there. Zip Recruiter is so effective that four out of five employers who post on Zip Recruiter get a quality candidate to the site with them one day. That saves you time. That saves you money. That saves you everything.

You understand me in humiliation. So do me a favor. Right now, the church family could go to Zip Recruiter for free. Joey, what are you talking about? I'm talking about free. When was the last time somebody gave you something for free?

Nothing, gratis. Just because you're part of the family. Right now, for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church, C-H-U-R-C-H. If you don't watch Sesame Street. C-H-U-R-C-H. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash church. The church is also brought to you by,

listen, summer's coming. Everybody wants to have a hot woman. Okay, but what good is it if you meet a hot woman when she goes down on you, your dick smells like a fucking swamp of debt. Because you haven't shaved, you're nothing. You don't powder your balls. You think you're fucking James Bond,

but you ain't your fuck. Your balls stink like fucking debt. And why? Cause you got that bush around them. I ain't mad at the bush. You gotta trim it. You understand me? And that's where Manscape comes in.

Me, myself, I don't like, nobody likes trimming their dick. It's too close to home. I want you to stab me in the fucking heart before you trim your dick. But you ever look at your dick and see the bush that's growing around it? Nobody wants to see that shit. Uncle Joey's here to tell you,

listen, you're not gonna cut your dick off. The suffering ends today, no more anxiety. With Manscape, you get it done without the pain, the fucking, my dick's gonna get cut off. I'm gonna be hanging out with Bobbit. No, that shit's done with. They got precision tools for the family jewels. Manscape has redesigned the electric razor

with the invention of the Lo Moa. You understand me? A handheld razor with skin-safe technology. It won't nick or snag that fucking nut sack or the peanut stick. Now, right now, the church family gets 20% off your first order when you use promo code church.

That's 20% off your first order when you're pressing church at manscape.com. And if you order the perfect package, which we'll talk about later, we'll throw in a free travel bag on the arm, which is tremendous. It's in my bag right now. I got the war-ball wipe.

I got everything in there in place. You bump into a coxuckers anonymous stray heat. You know what I'm saying? They wanna join Scientology. Go to manscape.com, use promo code church, and get 20% off your first order. Keep your balls clean, coxuckers. Mule, I mean, mule.

Take this fucking mule, Link. Oh, shit. Mule. It's the church who wants to happen now on a motherfucking Wednesday. Got my little sweetheart, Kate Quigley with problems. Yeah. You got the Christ killer.

He's still happy about Easter. He's been sharpening his knife this Easter. Oh, yeah. It's a fucking Wednesday more than motherfuckers. Get up, get out, wash that pussy. You want something to happen? Make it happen, motherfuckers. Here we go.

What? What? Ooh, they just don't say. OK, get it. What? It's Wednesday, motherfuckers. It's your day. You own this motherfucker.

Yeah. What? Here we go. She loose. Drinking the juice. You understand me? What, are you nuts? That was last time somebody drank your juice.

It's been a minute. It's been a while. I really do need to. You need to drink that juice and I need to drink your juice. I'm afraid, I'm afraid. What are you afraid of? I don't know, I've gotten to a place where I feel a little afraid of dating now

because I haven't dated since November and everything has been pretty calm. I mean, until a couple weeks ago. I mean, you've been on some dates. You just haven't got fucked. I've been on a couple dates. Yeah. Right, OK.

I've been on dates. I'll go on one or two and then this is real. Can you show me a teddy or anything? On the first date, second date. No, no, no, no, I don't just show it. You need to go for fucking the home run or nothing. Honestly, my thing is they can touch whatever, but once I'm naked, I'm going to fuck them.

I can't, you can't get naked and not have sex. How bullshit. Do you ever date somebody on the first date they'd play games with you? What do you mean? I'm sucking dick, but I won't fuck you listen. I won't do that. See, I won't do that.

I got an episode of Law and Order coming out in 35 minutes. You suck this mule, you go vamos. I had a girl come over, took her shirt off, stayed the night, sucked it, but wouldn't take her. She slept on her jeans. What? Was she on her period? I don't know.

Did you ask? No. Did you touch? I'd talk over the jeans, but yeah, she wouldn't take her jeans. Why didn't you take them off? What would you do? She had a big black cock. Joey.

She sucked the cock. What would you do? It'd be surprising since she was white with red hair, but you'd be spitting up a storm for a week. No way. Wait, but why didn't you ask her to take her pants off? Yeah, she said she wasn't coming. But she came over at midnight for the first date, so.

Oh, she came at midnight for the first date? Yeah. See, I've never done that shit. This fucking guy meets chicks on Tinder and they turn them down. One wanted to take it slow. When he called me next day, he goes, you met her on Tinder, but she wanted to take it slow. Yeah, they all say that.

They're all liars. Sometimes they mean it. No, they don't. I mean it when I say it. No, you don't. I saw you on Tinder. What? I'm on Tinder.

I did that. I'm back on Tinder. But I don't fuck. I don't, like, just have sex. Here's the problem. I'm, you know, I'm, like, really sexual, but I'm really picky. So I don't get naked with them till I'm sure

that I want to, like, date them. But once I'm naked, we're fucking. There's no in-between for me. There's no, like, there's no stop at third base. Yeah, yeah. It's a home run. My fucking play, black blue ball me to death. You already took your clothes off.

Yeah, but lately it's happened twice that I've met great guys and, like, when they're into me, I panic and I, I, like, run away because I'm afraid that I'm going to fuck up their life somehow. That's really true. Like, I'm afraid that- Well, you probably will if you're that afraid. But wait, what are you really afraid of?

That you might cheat on them? That you might? No, I've never cheated. Something awkward? I mean, what are you really afraid of? I think what it really is, honestly, is that I broke my ex-husband's heart so bad that I think I'm just scared of doing that to someone else.

But listen, how many times have these idiots broken your fucking heart? So many times. All right then. But I think that's the whole reason. Like, you were giving me shit about the guys that I pick. And you're right, but I think the reason is, like, on some level, I think it's because I know

if anyone gets hurt, it'll be me, which is stupid. I'm trying to fix it. But that's why I haven't dated since November and since the last thing was kind of traumatic and I just haven't really got back out there. I've been on the three dates. I dated two girls in my life. I've dated two girls who were promiscuous.

And I'm going to tell you how I feel about it because I've never talked about this before on a podcast. Because it bothers me how I feel about this. I was raised Catholic. And I was raised in a very special place, you know? I know girls who have been with two guys because I know them since they were 10. I know a girl that's been with the same guy

from fucking high school. Yeah, me too. But most of the girls that I grew up with are with two guy girls. Yeah. They fucked a guy in high school. He took their virginity. They left them when they threw football at them.

And then they hooked up with another guy and now they've been married for 28 fucking years. Well, that's how I was. I was a virgin when I got married. Never understood. I didn't really know the game until I met a stripper. And I started dating the stripper. Who was just very, very, I love it daily.

We're still friends. But she's very bad news. And I would look at her naked. And I remember there were some nights that I would feel bad for her because I didn't understand if she knew how beautiful she was now, special, her body. I'm sure she doesn't, didn't. When a girl comes to me and says,

I had sex with the guy at work, we giggle, we have a laugh. But inside my heart breaks because somewhere there's a guy that got the best out of you. Yeah, but I masturbated in front of him and he ate my butt. That's all great. But somewhere there's a guy with a story. Somewhere there's a guy.

That's why I don't ever, I totally agree with you. With a story. That's why I'm always afraid to. I've always wanted women to have a little bit more respect for themselves because somewhere there's a fucking slob like me with a story. I could not live with that if I was a woman. I know what you mean.

I cannot live with that. I gave this beautiful, obviously left some stories. Beautiful little fucking pussy between my legs that was that good, that made a man feel that good. I'd be so fucking selective. And the main thing would be, because I don't want a motherfucker to have a story about me. Well, I'm that way with comedy club employees, people.

I'm that way on the road. I don't want anybody to have a story. That's why I never go out with, I hate to say it, but I never really go out with fans after shows and stuff because I just know I don't want something like that to be left behind. I mean, obviously. And you will.

Listen, we're all matrimonial. Yeah, it's happened. We're human. We make mistakes. I have a dear friend who's solid as a comic. And she told me when she first started, she took a guy home and she really enjoyed him. They said friends forever, but it became uncomfortable for her.

She couldn't do it anymore. She didn't get into comedy to do that. We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes. I just thought that, I have a daughter now. Nobody loves pussy more than me. I love eating, putting cocaine on it, eating her ass. Just, it's, but I've always, one day we were having a joke

and Joe Rogan goes, anybody you ever date killed themselves. And I said, seriously, I go, they should. If you suck my dick, you should fucking kill yourself. No, stop. I can't imagine sucking my fat dick and seeing that one ball that's fucking, my balls, my balls, my balls are like, what's his name? Saucers.

I look like, you know, like Marty Feminized. I know what they look like. They look horrible. I feel bad for, and I'm not saying this is a joke. Like I feel bad if you got drunk one night and we hooked up, like today I think about you and I'm like, ugh. Oh stop, no you don't.

Yes I do. But you were like an animal. It sounds like you were great. It doesn't matter what I was an animal or what I was. It's the truth though. These women are married to a nice guy now and they have kids and one night when they're holding their kid, they're looking through Netflix

and there's a picture of me talking about stupidity and they gotta go back and go fuck. I suck this dick in the bathroom or to the bar. But you know what? I'll bet they hold that memory in a happy place. No they don't. I wouldn't hold that fucking memory in a happy place. There's no guy I've ever slept with.

There's one or two that I regret but they're ones that I actually dated but there's never been a guy that I did have that kind of a circumstance with where it was like a fling or like a one night thing that I regretted because it's happened so rarely that in my mind they're kind of like a fun, exciting, like wow, that's rare for me.

So it's a cool memory. Even if I threw up on him or something bad happened, it's still in my head like a fun, that story that I have. I had a friend in Seattle, a comic friend. She doesn't do comedy anymore. We were open micers together. I never fooled around with a nothing. I liked it.

She drove to gigs. She was really cool with it. Yeah. She always brought weed and I remember one morning she wanted a Kate rampage. We were talking about something and she's like, I gotta tell you what happened last night. We were on Alkai Beach.

I'll never forget this one. Alkai and there was an Alkai breakfast spot where I used to see Eddie Vedder. Oh wow. Eddie Vedder would eat there from time to time. This is 95. This is 20, whatever, years ago, 30 years ago. And I'll never forget her telling me the story once

and this is when I was, I wasn't ready for this shit. These kinds of stories from women. Yeah. And I go, what'd you end up doing there? And I, cause we used to go to a bar on Monday nights. There was a Seattle comedy underground and then half of us would go to a bar in the artistic area

and there would be go-go dancers and cages and shit. Uh-huh. And she was pretty hot. She was cute. She was hot. She was just young and I always thought she had it together until this one morning that we were talking and I go, what happened to you that night?

Like I hadn't seen her in like five days. Hey, we were all together. What happened to you? You left this day and she's like, I gotta tell you what happened. Oh my God. And she went into this whole thing how the bartender reminded her of a boy from high school

and she couldn't forget about a boyfriend. And so she waited for the guy and she asked him for his number. And then she went home and she waited an hour and called him at three in the morning and went over there and she brought a dildo and all this shit. I'm like-

She told you all this. She's telling me this and my head's about to blow up. She was like me three years ago. And she goes, she brought a dildo and the guy put the dildo in her ass and I'm sitting there with my other buddy and I'm just like, my other buddy's digging it

and I'm laughing along with it. But at the same time- On the inside you're like, oh. This little girl doesn't know, she's at 12. Aw. This girl doesn't know that she could move to LA right now and get on the cover of any major magazine. And listen to me, you're not gonna believe the story.

We sat there long enough, like we're there for like- And I go, where did this guy live? And she goes, it's so funny. The reason why I'm telling you the story is because he lived a couple blocks from here. And five minutes later, the guy walked by with a girl holding a hand, walking his dog and he was really skinny. And he was, let me tell you something.

I'm no fucking Omar, the fucking model. But this guy was not a good looking guy by no means. He was skinny, he had dirty jeans on and I'll never forget the look on her face. And I'll never forget- She was embarrassed. I don't know what year it was and I still remember the story

that I'm gonna write for my daughter. That's sad. Because she just told us about a pretty intense sexual thing that it would have to take me a month of doing coke with you to go into, I mean, he put the dildo in her ass and taped her and the pictures of her- Tape her?

Yeah, like tied her up? Like taped her. Oh, taped, filmed her. Polaroid shots of her. Oh, wow. And now there he is walking. And let me tell you something. If you know anything about me, I got this guy's number.

This is how crazy I am about that stuff, the topic. I got his number at the bar. Yeah. And I would call the bar just to fuck with him. No. Oh yeah, let's say his name was Ram, right? I'm looking for your mother fuck. I'm gonna break your head and I'd hang up on him.

And I found out he was a music promoter at other bars. So I got his number for his house. I love that. And I would torment him. The girl never knew, nobody knew. I just knew. That's how- That's amazing.

You want me to tell how crazy it was? I moved to LA and I would still call him in Seattle. Cause I never- Just to fuck with him. Just to let him know I was watching him. Who the fuck is this? I got a dog. I would just sit on the phone.

That's amazing. How crazy I am. I love guys like that though. That's how great cause he was such a fucking puke. And this girl didn't know what she was getting herself into. I would have fucked her and came in the mouth and ate her pussy and licked her asshole. That's one thing.

He treated her like a fucking dog. Like I know people who treat their dog better. Shame on her for letting them do these things to her. I mean, maybe- But at the same time, I hope that she's somewhere right now holding the kid and this comes into her mind. I think you go through phases

because I feel like I've changed a lot. And I feel like that's been part of actually like, I mean, we talked about this, but I feel like I've been kind of going through a weird time of my life just because I feel like I've changed, like I'm a lot more calm. I'm not partying as much. I'm not hooking up.

I'm not dating. I'm not doing as many like bikini photos. And just, I feel like a different, I feel like I've grown up. I've just grown up some. And also I've become funnier and I don't feel like I need as many ways to get attention and whatever, but I feel like people still associate

all that with me. So it's been a weird time of like kind of, you know, trying to show people, like it's not to show people, it's just being myself has become a little more difficult because the people that are used to that, Kate, are like, well, what's going on? Like they're waiting for that.

I go on the road and people like still wanna do drugs or, you know, think it's gonna be crazy and it's just, it's not like- Have you not been doing drugs at all? Not much every once in a while, but like once a month versus, you know, all the time. Three nights a week. Three nights a week.

It's really weird how I like when comedy becomes a religion for you. Yeah. I like when something becomes a religion for you that now you're doing some things outside that realm to better your comedy. Because you could just, you could get on stage all you want. You get on stage all you want, become a great comic.

But it's little things you do on the side that make you a better comic. Because you'll have more confidence when you go up on stage. And I tell this all the times. It's not the little big things. It's the little things. It's huge doing stuff outside of it.

You don't fuck with anybody at college. It's the little things unless you do it. And if you don't do them now, it's a pendulum. You're gonna do them now or you're gonna do them later. So if I was you, I'd get the fuck from doing them. Because you're either gonna do it now or you're gonna have to do it later. It's all part of the process.

So I'm telling you right now to get to fucking stepping. Well, like Lee, when he came to, Lee came out to Sack Punchline where I recorded to do an album. And it was interesting because I was sober until like the last show I had a drink. I didn't drink at all during all those shows. So I wanted to be sharp.

And then each night, instead of like going out, I was listening to my sets. And it was just funny because I was like, wow, this is what I did when I first started. And it's like easy to get into a habit of like, oh, the shows are going great. I don't need to do this, but it made the hugest difference.

Like each set was better. I even added tags that weekend that I hadn't even done that did so well. And it was just, it's funny because Brody, when I did Brody's podcast, like right before he passed away and he said, the best lesson for me in comedy was active listening. Like I stopped for a while and then when I started,

my comedy got better. And I kept thinking about that. And it really makes a hugest difference. It's really weird what goes into being a certain person, whether you want to be a psychiatrist, whether you want to be a good dentist, it's not just going to, it's so many different aspects. And it's the same with comedy.

And everything you do around it strengthens you at some point, you know, you go to Improv Olympic. I don't believe in those places. But if you do six months there and you mix it with getting on stage every night, it takes you somewhere, you know? We talk a lot about going off the beaten path. I got news for you guys.

This is repetitive. And it's the same shit every day. Yeah, you have to go off the path. You gotta, no, you go off the path at times. And when you come out, like I've always stayed on the path with what I had to do, but mentally, I've gone off the path from time to time. And I've seen it a couple of months ago,

like right before I shot the Netflix special, I was a little outside my game. We were eating too many edibles. You know, I was throwing in some fucking happy pill from time to time. And I caught myself and I was like, you know what? That was then, I gotta better myself. So these are little things I gotta do.

It's so weird how these last three weeks in New York that I spent were great weeks. I had a great time shooting, seeing friends, but it also reminded me of something. It reminded me of who I was. It's huge. Have you watched the Green Book? Uh, no.

Counted me a woodwind movie. No, I didn't see it yet. There's a line in that movie when he goes, at least I know who the fuck I am. I'm from the Bronx. My mother was from the Bronx. Their mother before them was from the Bronx. Their mother before them was at the Bronx.

I still go to the same restaurant every week. The most important thing in your life is knowing who you are. It's huge. We forget. We hang out with people and you do different things with people so you feel like you have to accommodate. In my sense, in my, in my world, you know what happened?

I had a daughter. Put a little fear in my life. The fear that I never had before. Like, I didn't have this fear before, but now I'm not just playing for me. I'm playing on a team. Yeah. You know, so it scared me a little bit.

Going back to New York reminded me who the fuck I was. I came back Sunday swinging. This week ain't even over. There's people gonna be going down. I'm taking people down because I don't have the time no more. I realized I was around people who were around me when I was a thief

and who took shit from me for me being a thief and told them to go fuck themselves. Before any of this stupid shit with podcasting or movies or comedy, they loved me for me. To be around that again, I realized one thing, that what I have around me today in LA is garbage. I have pure garbage around me

in so many different ways. It made me, it opened my eyes to the garbage I have around me. Yeah. It's pathetic. It really is. We've become who we are. And it's this society. It's not the society I'm from.

I still have friends that hold on to everything. It's this business. Sacred that they have. Everything. Like one of my brother George said to me, I kept going over there and George is a little lax than I am. George is like, I went over there a couple of times for sushi and then one day I asked him to tell me

what was on the Japanese thing. And he said, they said that they couldn't read Japanese because I'm Korean. Why am I eating sushi here? That's what I'm talking about. Don't fucking eat sushi with Koreans. Little things in life that make your life a lot better. What are you talking about?

So I knew I wasn't fucking crazy. I didn't not think that's where you were going. I was making a bigger life. I knew it. You're doing it with Koreans. You're doing it with Korean-owned sushi, please. You know what I'm saying? I never got away from where I am.

I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. I never played golf. And I never will play golf in my life. And if you play golf, you're a fucking father unless you've been doing it since the age of six. Yeah. It's plain and simple. If your father was a golfer

and he took you out there when you were three, but if you play golf to upstate your status in life to make friends, to be a fucking phony, I don't want you around me. I never saw that growing up. I saw that here. I saw guys from Philly playing golf. How about I hit you in the head with that fucking club?

You're from Philly. We don't play fucking golf, okay? There's no golf. Okay, okay. There's no golf. I get it. I get it. You're right though.

You're right though. I fucking came back here and I remembered who I was. Everybody got a wake up call the last two days. I had to say something to them people. And I had to say it because I'm done. I'm done. I was around the best. I was around people who will live and die for you.

They will put that back against yours and say, we got two knives and we're going up against 20 fucking Japs. It's meaning you to the fucking end. Either they're sushi or we're fucking sushi. It's true though. That's it. I'm done. I came back here and I realized one of the people,

the people I got around me that's supposed to be protecting me, a garbage. The people that say to me, oh, we love that garbage. I just went back and saw the people I was in Vietnam with. Timmy Holloway came to the New York Comedy Club. Tizia, I went to dinner, I looked into her eyes and I saw ourselves again at 18 going to discos. How much money you got?

20, I got 30, that's about a half gram of blow. And I got to come back here to these fucking people who were just sitting there waiting for a bomb to go off. It's hard. They were sitting here waiting for a bomb to go off. We're in the same place. I feel exactly that way. It's like, it's changed my outlook.

I fell off the beaten path for a while. I got a little sore. You get caught up in it sometimes too. I haven't gotten caught up in it. I got, I went off, I've kept my mouth shut. And I haven't said nothing because of my daughter. Because this isn't a game. It's her future.

But like I told my wife yesterday, guess what? Body's over. I started this with fucking nothing. I don't fucking lose it all, but I'm not doing it no more. Because you want to be you. I'm not doing it no more. I'm 56, I'm too fucking old to play fucking games. So when I fucking tell you something, you got to listen.

I don't give a fuck what you want to do or what you do with this guy or that guy. That means nothing to me. It's my fucking world. And at the end, guess who's here? Ralphie May doesn't have a gravestone. At the end of the day, that motherfucker died. None of these agents or all his friends

or all these people who went to the bed, all those people that got on stage at the bed. Nobody put a fucking, except for those two twins, Corey and Chad, who called me and said, you know, Ralphie's been dead for a year and doesn't have that open. How the fuck did that happen? His family contacted him.

His family didn't do it? Nobody, not the fucking wife with the videos. What the fuck? That you people donated to. I told you it's not that. I didn't donate. None of that shit. None of that shit.

So at the end, you die alone. And I've known that from day one. So take your fucking story. You won't die alone. No, we all die alone. We all fucking die alone. But I know what you're saying. So at the end of the fucking day,

take your fucking stories and take your bullshit and go give them something else. You want to be my friend? This is what needs to be done. And this is how it needs to be done. But do you feel like you have, I feel the same as you and I know we're similar and I know that's why we are close.

And that has been, I have had moments the last six months where like, I love comedy. I love performing. I love the art. I love it. I fucking hate the business. I hate the politics. I hate that you have to flirt with people

for them to fucking hire you for shit. I mean, it's different being a girl. Oh, for you, it must be a fucking nightmare. Why do you think I treat you? I know. I know. And I treat you. I know.

Because I want me to be different than anybody else. You are. I'm your wife. You are. I want you to know that you have truth here. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. You've been though about fucking the ass.

Up to. No, but I know what you mean. You understand what I mean. Yeah. When here you have truth. I won't blow smoke up your ass. Yeah, I know. I'm too old.

No. I'm too fucking old. But I used to, this is where I've changed and this is where it's been a struggle lately because set wise, comedy wise, I'm really happy. Like things are great. Like I perform. I feel great.

People, the feedback is great. Everything's going well. I'm writing. I'm excited about shit. But it's all the, I just, I don't want to jump through the hoops. I used to be the person that would go to the party and network with everyone, talk to everyone,

flirt with everyone, know everyone. I'm exhaust. I can't do both anymore because. First of all, there's no such word as network. Well, you know what I mean. Like meet everybody, talk to everybody. Nobody to meet. But that's what I'm saying.

Do you meet somebody there? They ain't, the greatest expression I ever heard was if they were here, they wouldn't be anybody anyway. I'm from a great manager. I forget what the guy's name, what the. What the fuck do you say if they were here? No, it's never happened. I've had people see me and like my agent,

my agent saw me at the improv. Like it's happened to me before. I was on stage? Yeah. Okay then. That's not network. Oh yeah, you're saying go to a party. Oh, I agree with that.

That's a big difference. Yeah, I agree with that. Performing. Well, I stay after. I know what you're saying. Go to a party. Oh, that never will happen. No, that never happens.

Oh my God, it's such a pleasure. Give me your card. I'd love to call you next week. While they're snorting your coke. That's a hundred percent. While they're snorting your coke. That's a hundred percent. They're gonna call you.

And then they wake up the next morning and they go, you know what? Why would I hire them? They snort coke. Also, no business happening. Didn't you do my coke last night? Now you won't hire me because I do coke, but there you are.

I know what you did. Bump for bump with me last night. Doing fucking Rayless. Actually, that's true. I've left parties. I literally was at, I think it was Chapelle's birthday party or something at the nice guy one night and all the fucking Gersh was there.

So I left, cause that's my agency. I'm like, I'm not getting tanked and fucked up in front of everybody that gets me to work. You should have been there anyway. Well, it was Christmas or something. Whatever. The point is though, but now I haven't. If there were anybody,

they wouldn't be here anyway. That's the word. If there were anybody. That's not true. They wouldn't be here. That's not always true. But they're not going to give you work when they're partying.

That's for sure. It's always the truth. And you know what? I've seen it for 22 years. I was here two years and he said that. That was that. You know who said that? Who?

Chris Cornell's old father-in-law. Oh. Okay. He used to be married to whatever her name was. Her father was one of the biggest managers in this town. He used to go to Comedy Store. He was old. And one night he said that

and my whole demeanor changed because I believe there's no networking. You want a networking network on stage. You're going to go down there and talk to somebody here at Comedy? Yeah. Nothing happens at a party. I agree with that.

I have a pubcage. That's great. I don't live in a pubcage. I agree 100%. So now you're dead. Yeah. And that's what he used to say. If there were anybody,

they wouldn't be here. That's true. Anyway. But also it's just a matter of energy. I mean, you know, because every time you call me lately, I actually feel guilty when I talk to you because you're always like,

so what else is going on? I'm like really nothing. Because I'm not doing anything anymore. I never go out. But it's also part of- But you always perform. Well, no, I perform. And I'm proud of you.

I don't mean nothing like work-wise. I went to this place the other night and this fucking idiot did 22 minutes ahead of me and then he jerked off on stage. Yeah. But at least you're telling me you went out. I always go up. I always go up.

I guess I'm always working. But I just mean like, I feel like I'm at a point where the, I feel like the, and maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the better you get at stand-up and performing the more energy, I use so much more energy than I used to.

I'm like, I don't have the energy to be as social as I used to be and be good at my job. I have to pick now. It didn't used to be that way. Maybe it's just getting old. I don't know. But now I just do nothing, man.

I mean, I don't do nothing. I work, but I'd rather be home cutting a podcast or listening to my audio or like even catching up on a show I've never seen that everyone's doing jokes about. Like I'd rather that also going home changed me this past year.

Like what we were talking about on the phone, like you were saying how good it was to be home. This was the first year. I've been to Ohio three or four times this year. My mom has lupus. So she's all right, but I just like I'm conscious of the fact that, you know, she won't be around forever.

My nephews are growing up. They hardly ever see me. And I used to go home to Ohio and be bored after a day. And now I'm never bored there because it's just, it's peaceful. And nobody's asking me shit about my career and nobody's asking me questions about celebrity. It's just, it's like they don't,

they really don't care. They don't know anything about this world. And it's just, I feel like I can tune out there. And I feel like I went through a phase in Hollywood that a lot of people go through where I moved here. Things started to pop a little. I got in with this crowd of like, it's exciting at first. You're like, oh, it's celebrities, there's drugs.

There's all this, oh my God, this guy's hitting on me. This is crazy. And then after a while, that's just feel so empty. So empty. And then this, this is the first year. Every time I've gone home, I don't want to come back. I want to work, but I get like sad to come back to where it's like, it just feels fake.

And I never wanted to be that person. It thinks LA is fake. I don't want to be jaded. It's, so sometimes Joey will say things to me and it doesn't happen right away, but like when it happened, like we were talking about the guy with the onion. But then the, like the past couple of weeks,

I've been hit by like three or four people who pulled me aside. Like, and the thing is for me, it's like, I didn't really have a ton of friends growing up. So now when people are trying to be super friendly with me, it's like, what, I don't really believe it. And then like, like I had someone give me a script. And I even told them, I was like,

there's no way he's going to do it. Like I tried to be nice. Yeah, I was like, there's no way. Yeah, of course. And he's like, well, I'm really persistent. I'm like, well, okay. And I'm like, oh, so that's why you wanted. I'm like, you don't really,

to be, sometimes it makes me like, should I even, you know how bad that makes a person feel? Yeah. And I told you this would happen. Yeah. I told them leave. Of course. I want to tell you before it happens,

you're going to feel bad. You know what I mean? Over the years, how many people would hit me up at first starts, so we love you. We love you calmly. And then they want something from someone else. And they want your wealth. Yeah.

I get that on the road. People come up to me and they talk to me for a while and then they go like, hey man, how does Joey book his podcast? Like people do that to me. It's, it's, it's, and then I understand that we've seen it already. Yeah.

Like we're prepared. Like I told you yesterday. Never. Could you imagine me calling you going, yo, I met this dude at the hot dog stand at the mall. He wants to do your podcast. Like you would fucking hang up on me. You tell me.

It is ridiculous. It is ridiculous what you get. And it's, it's getting, it's getting, it's not getting annoying or aggravating. It's getting sad at what people will think. It's sad. It's also. It's sad what people think they could accomplish

by cutting corners. And you try to help them. The best was the one, you know, I was gone and I, I wanted to give social media a break. Yeah, I noticed. You could just look at social media so much before you go, you know what? I want to shoot myself in the fucking head.

It's true. And Twitter doesn't bother me. It's Facebook where people are just really stuck. I don't even go through that shit anymore. I don't even look at it. So I come back to a hundred messages. You know, when I'm going through them, some of them, you put a thumb,

some of them, you write back and I got the one from fucking, you know, Milwaukee that they paid. It was a great show. And then pictures of me and them and then fucking a whole article on why we didn't party afterward or hang out, that that's what they came to the show. They were upset.

That they paid 27, 50, I go, well, I always try to put a dynamite comic in front of me. Yeah. And I try to keep my ticket prices low. I go, you were looking for a friend for 27, 50. You weren't looking to see a show. I go, get a dog or join a fucking Lonely Hearts Club

because I provide a show. It's also weird. I'm not providing a fucking, you're not going back to the hotel room with me. I just did two shows. I really am not in the mood to talk. I just did two shows. It's exhausting, but people don't understand it.

I get it. That yeah, you want to say hello and give them a hug and take a picture, but don't ask me about World War Three and what I think about the Joe Rogan controversy we've been seeing of 2004. I know. That's the last thing I want to hear on my mind.

I know. I can't even think. I've just been scraping for material. Also though. For two hours, scraping the bottom of my mind. Yeah. Temples, you're going deep for your material. And now you want to ask me a question

about who doesn't win. Serona, I couldn't. I have no fucking idea. I'm not even thinking about that. And they don't realize that they're one person and then there's 300 more coming down the line. I was learning to keep your mouth shut and put your hand out and say hello.

That's it. Before you're going to say something wrong, don't say nothing. I know. Because what you're going to say is wrong anyway. Just put your hand out and say it's a pleasure to meet you. It's a pleasure to meet you. What's your name?

I always ask people what their name is. I want to know what their name is. And then they tell you and then you take a picture with them and that said, I don't have time for a short story. There's 60 people on the line. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard.

You don't want to do this to them and you don't want to do this to yourself. Well, the thing is they would never do that. Could you imagine someone messaging like Eddie Van Halen or like and going, hey, after the show, why don't we party? Like they would never do it to like a musician or like an actor in a Broadway show. I don't know why because we come out and meet people,

which is a generous thing to do really. Like no performer. I don't sell merch. You don't sell merch. I don't sell merch. You don't have to come out. Yeah. For that particular reason.

I don't sell either. To say hello and not feel like you have to give me $25 for a fucking t-shirt. Same. I don't want, I don't want. And I don't sell it because I don't want to be obligated to come out. Right.

I want to shake your hand. Yeah. I want you to tell me you like the podcast is where you came. You like a subject matter. If I want to sell you something, I'm not going to your door. Yeah. Right. And so your encyclopedia is a stakes door to door or whatever.

There's just so many aspects of it that people really don't understand. I'm not there to sell you a t-shirt. I'm the same way. I'm happy I got you for the $27 for the ticket. That's how I feel. But you're like. I'm happy that you got a baby, sir.

You're not a nickel and dimer. You're not someone that seems ever to me that you're in it for. I mean, making money is great, but you're not money driven. You know why? Because it's not going to get you what you want. That's how I am.

Which is happiness. Yep. All we're searching for is to wake up with a smile on your face and not be like the rest of fucking America that's depressed or upset about the political climate. It's true. The Koreans are going to strike us. You can't.

Just be happy. Well, also how lucky we are. Like that. I ate shit for 40 years of my life. I ate shit. My mother died when I was 16. And then if I don't know how many years after that, I did it on purpose because of my love for comedy.

I kept a low nut. I didn't drive a Cadillac. I didn't try to prove to people I was some. I wasn't. And then it was such a low nut that I kind of enjoyed it. That's how I am. That's why I have a Hyundai. You know, I come from a society where there's no flash.

Yep. There's no flash for various reasons. For the most variances, I don't want to make somebody feel bad. I'm not that person. But I'm almost uncomfortable around it. I love Jews too much. I got a BMW.

Do you understand me? No, you don't. Yes, I do. No, I mean, you don't. I couldn't see what a BMW is. I wouldn't get a BMW. I don't care how much money they give me. I belong in a Subaru or Ford truck.

Yeah. That's who I am. That's what I'll always be. Or blue color. Whether a million dollars or that, that ain't going to make you happy. Well, that's how I am too. It's so funny when you're 21.

You think that. You can't wait to have a Tester Rosa and have bitches on your arm and do drugs every night. And let me tell you something. It ain't no fucking bargain. There's a price to pay because once the cocaine and money are gone, all those things go with it.

Happiness always sticks. All you're thriving for in this life is to laugh, laugh at yourself. You know, when I fart on the plane, I fucking love it. You farted in here and you laughed. Oh yeah, I farted in here and I laughed. Me and Lee were traumatized.

When you're fucking, you know what? I've been so broke that I, you know, and I still find the way to laugh. When I used to drop- Me too. When I used to have to drop my daughter off when she was six, you know, Jacqueline, my first daughter,

I would cry when I drop her off. So guess what I did? I forced myself to do comedy after I dropped her off as an exercise because I want to be able to do comedy if my fucking mother died that morning. Well, you've done it. I want to be able to do comedy.

We've done it. We've done it, yeah. Brody Pets in Vegas. I want to be able to do comedy if I just buried my mother at night. I still got to be able to do comedy. But you have to. You got to train yourself.

You have to. And there's pain and there's this and there's that. That's part of the stand-up. That was really fucking hard. That's part of the stand-up. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. You have to train yourself under all these conditions. You know what? There's times if you really dive into stand-up, you're gonna have to sleep on some of these cats for six months at one point in your life. Easily.

Easily. Yeah. If you really love stand-up. You be homeless. Everyone is homeless. Lee, you're gonna be homeless. Get ready. And you have to be prepared to go.

I remember when Ralphie Mae was homeless and Joy Medina took him in. Dude, stand-up people will, I used to drive to San Diego. I would spend, I didn't even, actually, I didn't even have a car at the time. I would take a train to San Diego. It was like $30 each way or something.

Stay in a hotel and only get paid $20 for the set. Like I was losing money to do spots just cause you want the spots. That's it. But I feel like it's like building any business. You invest in the business. You have to. You're a corporation.

You're just a CEO of a corporation and you know that your stock is low. The thing is that- My stock is low right now. Yeah. The thing is that I've been working on and you helped me with this. Cause one day I was talking to you and I was bummed

cause there was some things I wasn't getting and I was frustrated. And you said focus on the things you do have, not the things you don't have. And I've really trained my mind. Like it's amazing that you can train your mind to focus on the positive. You can do it.

It's just a, it's an exercise. I've been writing down, this is so fucking cheesy. People are gonna be like, what happened to you? Okay. But I've been writing down like 10 things every day that I'm thankful for. And sometimes when I'm sad, I'll start doing that. And it'll really fix it because the fact is

we are so fucking lucky. You're alive. You don't have cancer. You're not going to chemotherapy treatment. Look at what we're doing. You have $5 in your pocket to go to Subway. I can afford this. I can afford this.

And get a veggie and cheese sandwich. Yeah. You're breathing. I mean, every morning I wake up, when I was 21, I didn't have that perspective. Yeah. When I was 21, I'm broke. I'm a loser and I'm miserable.

But it was all revolved around money. Money was gonna make it so much better. Yeah. The more time I got to 40, I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm fucking ecstatic. I'm at the comedy story now. I may have $8.22 in my check-in account. That's it.

But I'm ecstatic. There's a line in Narcos, Mexico that Narcos, Mexico, it's about key camera rain. And at the end, you know, if you haven't seen Narcos, Mexico, you're not gonna watch it. I don't give a fuck if I spoil your thing. Well, Game of Thrones, I don't give a fuck. Go fuck your brother.

Fuck you and Game of Thrones. Joey, calm down. So, the Game of Thrones spoiler. Dude, don't fuck your brother. It's gonna fit in your fucking mouth, Game of Thrones. Will you stop? Go back to Narcos. And there's a scene when he's interviewing,

when he thinks he looks out into the ocean and he remembers his interview with Kiki Kamerana. And he lights a cigarette and he goes, I do these because, now here's Kiki Kamerana sitting there with his eye out of his fucking head, with drill bits getting put through his leg. And this guy walks in and he takes the guys out and he's telling them why he's doing this.

He goes, tell them what you want and you go home. And the guy's telling them I have kids, please send me home. And this guy just starts talking. Diego Luna was a phenomenal actor and he goes, he goes, I like to sing and he goes, I use these because they reduce stress. And he goes, you know what's crazy? That when I was broke, I slept like a baby.

And now that I have money, I can't sleep at night. That is, my head blew up, my head blew up. That's so real. He goes, when I was broke and I had nothing, I slept like a baby. It's so real. And now, I sleep two, three hours a night. And you think about that sentence

and it's what I'm telling you people. We focus on the wrong thing. Money is nothing. And money is garbage. Money will come and go. It's a worse addiction than cocaine. Once you take money out of the picture and you go, wow, I'm doing this because I love it.

I genuinely love this. I could get up every morning and do this for free. Whether it's taking it in the ass or fucking, building fireplaces or lighting Jews on fire. This is what you like. And you do it for free. Don't do this, but I'm just making a point here. I won't get a BMW, but I'll light them on fire.

This is what you do for free. I mean, I would never light a Jew on fire. Not you. And I wouldn't get a BMW. He might light me on fire. Well, he might. He probably has. No.

What my point is that until you really fall in love with that thing. It's true. And look at the sky and go, I'm living in the Hubble. That's it. I got rats. I'm sharing the sandwich with a rat. I've done that.

But boy, do I love what I do. And all of a sudden, the month after that, God will unload a suitcase on you of dollar bills. It's true. And you think you're a fucking stripper. When you think you don't need it, it shows up. When you think you don't need it, it shows up. It shows up.

Dude, when I moved to LA, when I was a kid, I love water. Like I'm a huge pool. I swam. I was on swim team growing up. My grandma had a pool. My dad lived at a lake. I was in water like every day of my life. And I always wanted to live by the ocean.

That was like my dream. Nothing else, but live by the ocean and be on TV. That's all I wanted when I was a kid. I didn't care how happened. And when I moved to LA, I lived for a little while in like near like Slosson area, like by the airport. And then I found this studio apartment. It was such a shit hole in Venice Beach.

I mean, it was a total crack then, but it was two blocks off of Venice, like right where the V is in Venice, where like all the homeless dudes hang out and shit. I rented this place at the time I was married. So my husband was moving out here to live with me. In this little studio, the two of us, there were homeless guys literally peeing on my window

or on the ground floor, but every day I would walk across the street to the beach. It was right across the street. And I was just like, this is the fucking dream. Like I was so, I mean, I had the biggest shit eating grid on my face the whole time I lived there. Cause it was the beach.

I had to call the police three or four times or dudes like jerking off outside the window. Like shit that like never, there was a guy who used to swim in my pool naked when I would come out, but none of it mattered because I could walk to ocean. And I feel like every step of the business for me has been like that.

Like everything, like TV, like if I died tomorrow, I could say I did everything when I was a kid. I wanted to do. I got to do a comedy set on Showtime. I had a TV show and I lived at the beach. I could die tomorrow and I'm like, I did it all. And so the rest I feel like is icing. So I think that that's why for me,

like the gratitude thing is getting easier to be grateful for what I have. Because if I just think back about what I wanted versus what I got, and then on top of that, I got all those things without losing my character and my soul. I didn't have to fuck, I never fucked anybody for anything.

I got to do it the right way. It just feels so much better. And I'm not rich and I'm not famous. Like I don't want to really be that famous. I want to be able to say whatever I want. I don't want to be so famous that if I tweet something, I'm in trouble. I don't want to be famous.

Too late. I don't want to be considered a celebrity. I know. Nothing burns me more than when somebody calls me a fucking celebrity. I'm a dirty club comedy. You're a regular dude. That's it.

That's it. I'm a dirty club comedy that's all rated that you don't want. I love that about you. If you don't want to be there, I'd rather you not come. Don't come to impress your boyfriend I don't want none of those type of audiences. Me neither. It's so funny how I was in New York

and people would hit me up. Hey man, how come you don't come to the comedy cellar and do this? You know why? Because I just want to be left to fuck alone. Yeah. I went to Danger Fields, 22 people a night, 10 people last Monday.

Fucking tremendous small stage. I knew Rodney was on that stage. I knew Bill Hicks was on that stage. It's a cool feeling. I knew Dice was on that stage. I knew fucking Kenison was on that stage. So it's just like being at the comedy store. But since it's not the hot club,

people were like freaking like, you should do the comedy cellar. Go tell your mother to go do the comedy cellar. I'll be at Motherfucking Danger Fields with the East side fucking rats where I belong to be. You understand me? Those are the best though. Those are the best.

That's why I love playing like bar gigs and fucking, that's what I like, rowdy bar crowd. That's my favorite, man. The most important thing in this whole fucking game is knowing who the fuck you are and what your limitations are and what you can't do and be honest about them. I can't do that.

Okay, I will do that. Okay, I won't do that. Okay, once you start compromising that, you got to paint in your fucking soul. And that's what's been going on with me lately that the last couple of years I just been, I wouldn't have done half the things I did now. Looking back at them, there's a couple of things

I would have not done at all. But it happened to get you to this place where you know that, so it's okay. I know this now. Yeah, I think it all happens. I'm done, like I'm done, like you're in trouble. I can tell. You're in trouble.

I can tell. And when I come back from next week, you're really in trouble. But I really missed you like for real. Like you being gone from LA though. That call I made to you this morning, I couldn't make that call to a lot of people. I was so glad you called.

I made that call to you because I was somewhere, you were somewhere. And I sent you the most depressing text of all time. Like I sent Joey a text that literally, I was like on a plane. I was so depressed. I know you don't want me to tell. I just, I had some shit go down that was like,

I felt kind of invaded. Like I had, like I got trolled a little bit by, and it was personal. And I was just depressed, man. I was in Ohio and I did a college and it was great. The gig went great. But it's weird when you're in your, I was in my home state,

but not close enough to see my family. And I was by myself on the road and I just kind of was going through it. And I was also feeling a lot of just what, it's weird that you were feeling so much of what I was feeling just about feeling a little like, I'm not fitting in as much as I used to out here. I don't feel like I have as many friends as I used to out

here cause I'm just realizing who's really friends and who isn't. And I was just feeling lonely. And I sent Joey this fucking text on the plane. That was just like, I'm sorry I haven't talked too much the last couple of weeks. I've been kind of depressed. And when I talked to Joey, like you're like,

you're so family to me. Like I never want to like let you down. Like I want to make you proud all the time. So I didn't want to call you because I knew you were doing the movie and like I'm so happy for you. And I didn't want to like bring you down. But then when you called me today

and you were kind of like, oh, I've been going through shit. It made me feel like so good that you called me about it. Cause I just, I don't know. It made me feel happy that you could call me about that. It's not always me. Walking in my neighborhood, just walking in, I was like, what am I doing with my fucking life? Why are these people around me?

I would not be seen caught dead with these people 20 years ago. And the people that have fucked with me would be missing in a year. They'd be walking around like fuck, Joey punched me in the fucking mouth so hard. And I'm tolerating this shit. For 10 years, I've tolerated this,

especially since my daughter was born. I've tolerated this behavior from people that at the end of the day, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire. I grew up with people that had my back when there was nothing there. When I was just a fucking pure street thief,

I gave them a piece of my action. I always took everybody, I always got a little taste. Why am I putting up with these people around me that don't have my best interest in their heart and in their minds? They're just, it's a very hard thing. And they're everywhere. There's an element of that in every job

that people, there's always probably people in every business that it's like, it's hard when you have to feel like you have to be a little fake to get to a point you want in your career. And it's, I feel like it's just the older you get. It's like, you don't wanna fucking fake shit. I think there is, there's like one or two people

in an office usually. But the problem, and it's not even LA, there's some good people in LA. But I think you're right, it's like, if you move here, thinking you're gonna be like even the best director. Like there's some people, like if you think you're that special, nine times out of 10,

you're gonna be kind of a stinky person. Well, I even mean just like for instance, like there are guys booking shit, TV shows, clubs, whatever that have been really shitty to me in the past, you know? Cause I didn't wanna fuck them. And then I had to be around these people and act cool.

How bad do you feel for them now when they see you and they can't make eye contact with you? I don't feel bad for them. How about the guys that won't talk to you cause you didn't fuck them and they book rooms and they won't put you in their rooms. Yeah, it sucks. It's such.

It sucks. And anytime I go to, I always tell people that like when I go to Pittsburgh or whenever I go to Sons I go, you have no idea how happy I am to be here. The time you walk at the airport, there's no Jesse Smollett's. There's no Harvey Weinstein. There's none of his victims laying around.

It's hard. They molested them. There's no never, never land. There's no fuck, you know, it's very people don't understand. When I go to Milwaukee or Michigan or San Antonio, fucking Texas, do you think this would exist in Texas? Harvey Weinstein would have lasted an hour.

He'd have got shot. Some dude would have shot that guy. Somebody's father would have shot them. For sure. This only exists in here. You pull that stunt in Chicago, Jesse Smollett will never be there, some black people in Chicago to the black to the bone that they really know

what the struggle is for this fucking half breed, fucking Tutsun, whatever the fuck he is, to do what he did, he doesn't deserve the love from African-American community. But this would only happen here. You don't see a black guy tell him that two Nigerians jumped him in New York City. Cause you're really black, you're black.

You're black, you wouldn't even use that stunt right in the letter to himself. You think of all the things he did. Do I hate Jesse Smollett? No, I don't. That's crazy though. I do not hate Jesse Smollett. I feel bad for Jesse Smollett

because he's another victim of this douchebag garbage fucking society. But you have to pick, man. If that's, if he wasn't that guy though, on some level, I mean, I've regretted things. Like the whole thing in this business is every day, almost there's a choice you can make to stick to what you believe or to sell out every day.

And like there's been times that I've done things that I believed in the moment. And then later I was like, man, I wish I hadn't done that, said that, talked about that. Maybe I feel different now. Maybe I should have let some time go. But ever since I started, the one thing I believed in for me was my talent.

And so like I always turned down all the shortcuts that I knew would fuck with my head. Like I couldn't, and you know, like even when I dated comics, like I dated Bobby and like he was like, you can work with me. And I was like, I don't want to because I don't want people to think that's why this is happening.

How good of a guy is Bobby? I mean, he's great. He's great. He's a little weirdo, but he's great. He's still got a good. I still love him. And you know what? He is funny as fuck, man.

He is so goddamn funny. And he does have a good heart. And you know what I'll say about Bobby? Bobby is one person that when we were first hanging out, I remember people talking so much shit. Like what is she doing with Bob? Like really, she's only with Bobby because X, Y, Z, he's rich, he's famous, whatever.

The truth is Bobby made me feel so special. Bobby give a million compliments and he makes you feel like you would always be like, you're gonna be such a big star. You're so brilliant. You've got, and like that's really all it takes for women. If you give us a lot of compliments and you make us feel good about ourselves,

we're staying cause that's what everybody wants to feel loved and Bobby's amazing at that. That's always the kind of guys that I'm attracted to are guys that like have a childlike nature and make me feel really special. I mean, that's what everybody wants, right? At the end of the day, women at least. I don't know about that.

When did you see Dee come out? Oh, I'm editing it right now. How does it sound? I'm really happy with it. I'm excited about it. The one in Sacramento would leave. It turned out great. We helped you record it.

That room was so fun. The Sacramento punchline. That room is amazing. It's fucking in the San Francisco punchline. I haven't done that one. Oh, that's God's gift. That's 180. You know what's funny about the Sac punchline

is they don't tell you, the stage there, there's like a scrim. Like there's like a, what does it look like? A sheet. It looks like a brick wall. Like some artwork or something. Or something on the back. But they don't tell you.

It's not a hard wall. You know, most of the time you can lean on it. You put your leg on that wall. I fucking leaned on it. And I felt like I was gonna fall through the window. Because it's like four feet away or something from the window. Yeah, and it's a glass window on the second floor.

I could have died. I did a feature act once with Fluffy. I opened up for Fluffy 10 years ago when I went through that window. You did not. No, I almost did. Yeah, I did too. I'm recording and I literally, I leaned on it.

I'm like, so much to tell the comic. This is not a wall. It looks like a wall. It's a four foot gap. Yeah, and you're on the second floor. You're dead if you fall out. You put your arm like fucking Sinatra, like ring a ding ding.

And you just keep going straight. You'll land on top of the fucking BMW. If I was you, I probably would have fallen out the window. But luckily I bounced back. God, and there's another place too. That I put my leg up one night to rest on the wall. Yeah. And I went back like a fucking mummy.

I had a break fall and everything. You did. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever eaten shit like falling down, getting on? I saw a video of someone the other night. Oh, Chelsea Skibmore, who you had on here. She posted some video of her going up on stage at the commissar and just completely tripped

and like fell flat on her face. When I fought, I fell on the original. You did? Yeah, because it's three steps. So you want to try to make them really fast? Yeah. And you get that fucking 12 inch to 13 inch foot I got, got caught on one of those things

and I went down on my knees and people laughed. It's gonna be me excited even falling up on my knees. Falling is the best though. Falling is the best. Who gives a fuck? It's funny. Because now you have something to work with. I mean, fucking up, it's comedy, so it doesn't matter.

It's brilliant because you only fall after you wrote for one week straight and you got 10 minutes that you have memorized and now you fall, but you have to say something about the fall and talk about how your feet are too big and how your clumsy and your mother always fell and you know, shit like that. You're drunk, you need to quit drinking.

It's great. I haven't fallen. I'm trying to think if I've fallen. I've tripped downstairs coming off. In fact, oh, I ate shit in the belly room before coming from, you know, they have that little like upper part where you can watch from and then you have to come down those two, three stairs.

Well, for the longest time they weren't taped or anything. You couldn't see the stairs really. And it was pitch black. I fell down those stairs like three times coming down. Like all the time I've fallen. Not drunk or anything, just fall. Now, you know, they changed it. What are you looking for for the future, honey?

What are you thinking of doing? Honestly, there's a show right now that I'm not even, I started out pitching this show that I really want to do and then I just decided to get funding for it and do it. I don't know if I should say what it is though, but it's such a fun, you know, I came up with an idea that is just something that I'm like, if I could do anything, if I had like a hundred grand

and I could do anything I wanted, what would I do? And then I try to develop a funny concept out of it and it's great and I have people interested in sponsoring it and so I want to make that. But my goal is to keep making shit on my own. Like put my shit, if no one wants to buy a special, put it on YouTube. They just canceled something.

And I saw that these people put it up. They E canceled their show. Yeah. Busy, Busy Phillips or something? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Busy Phillips. She was kind of like doing the Chelsea Handler type show or something like that.

And she goes unless we get picked up somewhere else and Burt wrote back, why don't you just do it yourself? Do it yourself. That's my thing now. I'm like, what? Even with a special, you know, like, fuck it. I can shoot a special anywhere and put it, I would clip it up and put it on YouTube.

Those clips go viral, people come to your shows, that's it. A special would go anywhere, they'll find it. If you advertise it correctly and stand by it. Yeah. To be honest, it might do more on YouTube than some of the platforms. That's what I'm saying. Well, I get a lot of people at my shows

that I mean, I don't love all my clips on this site, the LAF factory puts up clips every once in a while if you approve them. So I always approve the ones that are kind of like something I wrote that's for that day and I'm probably not gonna use it again. Then I give it to them and I get people that come out and they're like, oh, we love you on the LAF factories.

Like they watch that. You don't know what forum they're gonna watch, you really don't. That's why you need to have it around. I remember I had a video on Will Farrell's thing years ago and Funnier Guy and I had hits and nobody would, I think they picked up a Joey Karate or something like that.

Yeah. And it's weird what different forums people watch it on. You never, listen, we live in a cyber world now. Is that what you call it? A computer world? Yeah, a cyber world. That's unlimited. Yeah, it's digital age.

It's unlimited. I run into people all the time, that bitch, cause they don't have this special and that special. I'm like, just get a fucking camera, go to a comedy club and do 15 minutes. You know the truth Joey though too is like, I know everybody's like,

I know you're always like a man with a plan, X, Y, Z. I know it's important, but what's really helped me is to just keep working every day. That's it. And be happy. And I don't give myself, cause I used to put a lot of pressure on myself

to have this list of things that I have to do in this amount of time. And it was giving me anxiety. And you know what I think about now? Like when I think about what I wanna do, I think I wanna keep moving ahead. Everything is going well. Everything I wanna make, I'm working on.

But I wanna go fucking camping. Like I wanna go fishing. Like I wanna go hang out in National Park. I'm starting to think about stuff that I miss doing that has nothing to do with comedy. Why do you think Ari is doing what he's doing? I mean, I need it. I spoke to Ari when I got here

and we were howling in the car. Really? Howling. He's a new man because- Cause he takes these breaks and he gets offline and he disappears. He got out of here. He saw what the stress was of having a show.

Everybody wants a show until they get one. And then you don't know what it is to have argue with people, fight with people over lines. They don't want this. They don't want that. They don't want this. I bumped into somebody in New York who sold the show and he goes, you know what?

I'm grateful that he didn't pick it up. He shot a pilot and everything. I'm grateful. He was just those eight months were mind-boggling. You don't have to either. You have to have a tough skin for that. And either you could do it or you can't. I am very surprised.

Like I said before, I agreed to the soprano movie. I was very close to pulling out. Of the movie? No way. Because of the beers because I just wasn't in the mood to work on a set. Yeah, it's a different whole different thing. It's a different animal for me.

I've done it for a long time and I just don't like that time anymore. Well, cause you're so used to also being your own boss now. You're on your own schedule. You make your own. It's weird to go back to that. It's very weird. And like I tell people all the time,

you got a TV show if you don't shoot at CBS Raffin. Do it. You're not going to see me there. But the thing is now that if you have an audience, it's like my idea that I want to do. It's like once you build an audience and you can get people to sponsor your shit. And if you're not worth,

I'm not worried about making millions. I'm worried about paying my bills. I can pay my bills and be happy. So why do I need to sell this shit to NBC or fucking Netflix? But just make it, get sponsors, put it up. You can make money. Like I'm so, I feel very fortunate and it took a long time.

But now I have enough people following me to get people to sponsor stuff I want to do. So there's no reason that I need to stress about I haven't sold a script. I don't have a sitcom. I don't know who cares. I'm happy. I'm so happy.

Like I feel the happiest. And that's why too, like with, with like not dating and stuff, it's just, I think I've realized for me that like the less drama I keep in my life, the more fresh air, the more I get outside, more and more around people I love, I'm just happy and that's all that matters.

Could die tomorrow. Brody died changed me too. Because, you know, I remember doing his podcast before he passed and him talking about the like trolling was getting to him. Like people bullying him online, not bullying, but like making fun of him or whatever. And it would bother him.

And I remember just thinking to myself, like everyone loves Brody so much, but he sometimes didn't feel it. And I just don't, it's not worth it. It's not worth it to put yourself in a position. I'm so sensitive. I don't want to put myself in a position where I have eight billion people.

Do you see me doing roast battles? Do you see me die? No. I don't like it either. Yeah, me neither. I don't like to be mean. People on the internet now, I saw a remark about three days ago

that was the most backhanded stupid remark I ever saw in my life. But I look at them now, and I'm not going to be Johnny Christian to say I pray for them. I don't give a fuck if they hit a tree with a scooter. You think you're wrong?

You know what I'm saying? Hopefully they'll get out one of those little moody scooters, you see? A razor scooter on Sunset. Fuck those people. And they'll get hit by a truck. You don't wish that. They make me mad.

But you look at them and go, I wonder where they're coming from. I wonder what they were going through to have to write that. Yeah. You know, I wonder what. That's it. You know, it's just,

you have to wonder what they're going through to be in that position, to put themselves in that position. What could have happened to them? I mean, yeah. That's where you got it. You got any dates coming up, you dirty bitch? Yes, I do.

For a second, I thought you meant guys. I was like, wait, no, no, I know what you're talking about. I know, I'm just kidding. Wait, what's today? Oh, actually, Thursday night. That's right. I'm at Brea Improv.

I'm headlining Brea Improv. Lee's coming to act juniors doing it. And then I have a whole, actually I have a whole bunch of dates coming up. Just go to my website. You have cakequigley.com? Yeah, cakequigley.com or cakeqfunny. Honestly.

I'm sorry that you were going through where you were going through. I'm happy we got a chance. It's okay. I'm glad we got to talk. Talk about what was going on this morning. I was going to hook up with you at one point today, but then I had a meeting at 12.45.

It's okay. I know you were busy. So, no, I took care of that today. I really wanted to work out today. I've been to Jiu Jitsu in a fucking month. Oh. I dropped this on me this morning. So, I ran around all morning.

I got a little bit of writing done. You need to get to Jiu Jitsu because that's like you're so, you love it so much. That's such a big part. No, I went to Kickbox Sunday and I went lifting yesterday. You don't need to go. Don't stop.

I know you want kickboxing. So, you said. Yeah, I went over there Sunday. Oh no, here at Brex. Oh, you did? I got off the plane Saturday and went, Sunday's open mat. You go in there and ride the bicycle

to jumping jacks. Oh, damn. Do kettle bells. You can do whatever you want there on a Sunday. Oh, yeah. From 12 to three. I went today. Good for you.

Look at you. Yeah. Now, why do you look so fucking sleepy? They got open mat on Sunday. So, a lot of people. I want to punch bags. I have pink boxing gloves. I use them at the gym.

That's great. They're fucking bugs. I just ruined the whole thing. Joe is like, way to ruin everything. He's like, lead it. What a whore, dude. Don't forget you little dirty bastards. June 7th, I'm at the Film War in Harris

in New Orleans, bitches. And June 8th, I'm at the Tabernacle Theater. They got to going fast on that one. So, you better not fuck around. And then, 628 and 629, I'm coming back with me and Kate just destroyed on 420 a year and a half ago. Oh, so fun. When the guy had the fucking stroke.

The Columbus fucking funny bone. One of my favorites. I go see my girl, crew Hope, and do a little movie tie while I'm there. And that's it. And that's that. I want to thank Kate Quigley for coming on the show this week

and making me laugh and making me smile. I love you. Brightening my day. And hopefully, brightening your motherfuckers day. But before we go, we need to talk. Okay, you're two weeks away from Memorial Day weekend. Everybody's hot to trot. You want to bust out the white shorts.

You got new shoes. You got a new car. But you haven't done nothing about that ugly pogo stick you got between your legs. Your balls still smell like that. And you wonder why your last three girlfriends left you. Maybe it's because it's time to fucking trim around the bushes and clean up down there a little bit.

Okay? That's where manscape.com comes in. Manscape. They got precision tools for the family jewels. Manscape has designed the electric razor. They redesigned the electric razor. Sorry about that. Their invention is the lawn mower.

Think about it. A handheld razor with skin safe technology. So you don't snick, nick or snag the nut sack or the fucking pogo stick of life. You got to go easy on what the Lord gave you guys. This bad boy will leave you nice, clean, smooth and pain-free and most important anxiety-free. Because listen, I love my wife,

but I don't trust her with the razor around my dick. I got to look up in the sky and make believe I don't have anxiety. I got to take one of those anxiety pills. Manscape will get your beanbag looking as smooth as a fucking egg. It's Easter all year round when you got manscape. I'm going to let you know a little secret.

If you trim the hedges, the fucking pogo stick looks a lot bigger. So what are you waiting for? Trim up that fucking stick of death. Everybody wants a black dick. I'm going to give you a way to get a black dick. Shave the hair off and the dick looks bigger. And you can tell your friends you got a black dick.

But it starts at manscape.com, cock suckers. You get everything you need to make your balls shine and keep your dick looking fucking like fucking Richard Geer in Pretty Woman. You know what I'm saying? If my dick could look like Richard Geer in Pretty Woman, I wouldn't even talk to half of you fucking savages. I put a little tuxedo on him and bring him to parties,

hold his hand and shit like that. Oh my God. If this is the first time you've considered manscaping, they got a deal for you. All right, they got the perfect package that comes with the lawn mower and the safety razor. Plus the crop preserver, which is a specialty designed formulate deodorant

so your balls don't stink. And they have the Reviver spritz that tones and refreshes your nutsack. Ooh, and it keeps them cool. It's like sticking an acupuncture needle in your nutsack and hitting the right vein. And they got a nice little ball white package. They got everything.

Listen, manscape.com is the way to go for the sum if your dick looks like it's been hit by a car. Manscape is the way for you. And right now, the church, or what's happened now, the family gets 20% off your first order when you use promo code CHURCH at manscape.com. Again, promo code CHURCH at manscape.com. Now, if you order the perfect package,

they're also throwing a free travel bag when you use promo code CHURCH. Who takes care of you like me? Nobody. So that's manscape.com. Use promo code CHURCH and get 20% off your first order and keep your balls looking tight. Okay, I'm 56, but my balls got a certain tightness to them.

They look 35. That's what, shut the fuck up. It starts with manscape before I make your sniff one. You know what I'm saying? They smell like 35-year-old cheese. Anyway, I was trying to give you a compliment. If you got a company, you're trying to put things together. You're looking for the best employees out there.

I got the answer for you. Zip recruiter, that's right. Zip recruiter makes hiring a piece of cake because hiring is challenging. But there's one place you could go where hiring is simple, fast, and smart. That place where growing businesses connect to qualified candidates is called ZipRecruiter.com

slash church. Hiring is hard enough. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy and it saves you time and money when you get it done with ZipRecruiter.com. Joey, why is ZipRecruiter the best?

Why? Let me tell you, I'll tell you why. They send your job to over 100 of the web's leading job boards, but they don't stop there with their powerful matching technology. ZipRecruiter scans to thousands of resumes to find the right people with the right experience

and invites them to apply to your job. As applications come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and they spotlight the top candidates so you never miss a great match. I don't care if you've got three employees or 200 employees. If you're looking for employees,

you gotta go with ZipRecruiter.com. And right now, the church family, you got a business that is the way to go. They hook you up for free. Did you hear that? Free, F-R-E-E, free. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash church. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash church.

The smartest way to hire. Go to ZipRecruiter. And don't forget, Sunday is Mother's Day. Today is fucking Wednesday. You got Thursday, Friday, Saturday. What are the chances you're gonna go to Marshalls and get her a purse? What are the chances you're gonna go to fucking Target

and get her some fucking whatever? You're not gonna do these things. This is the way to go. ProFlowers.com. Why? Because it's coming up May 12th. Don't forget. And where would you be without your mom?

You'd be in a toilet somewhere swimming around. That's where you'd be. Get eaten by fishes. ProFlowers is here to help you show appreciation to your mom this year. My wife, she's gonna get 20 dozen of these. Why? Because she's the goods.

That's why. Nice colors. It comes in, you get roses. You get yellow roses. You get red roses. I don't know what other color. They got roses. And that's all you need to make somebody's day.

Because at the end, you can't be a good Christian unless you make somebody's day. And do it with ProFlowers. They let you choose from a variety of bouquets and vases that suit every mom's style. All you gotta do is pick the delivery date. That's it. Then ProFlowers carefully packages your flowers

and delivers them fresh from the farm. Express delivery means her flowers stay fresh. You make mom happy. And who's better? There's nobody better to make happy than your mom. So right now, get a dozen assorted roses for $19.99. Double the roses and get a premium vase for $9.99. Who does that for you?

ProFlowers.com. That's who does it. And your uncle Joe, you gotta give me some thanks. I had to talk to these people to get this price for you. Number two, go to ProFlowers.com. Click the microphone in the upper right corner and enter promo code church. It's that easy.

Print the promo code happening. Happening, H-A-P-P-E-N-I-N-G, baby. Happening. So go to proflowers.com and press in. Happening on the microphone on the upper right corner. This is your right hand if you don't know. It's the one on the other side. Anyway, enter the promo code happening.

That's proflowers.com. Click the microphone and use promo code happening. It's the eighth, mother's days on the 12th. Don't wait. Order like a pro and get the amazing rose deal with the vows for $9 more, $9.99 more, and thank all the moms in your life. I wanna thank ProFlowers.

I wanna thank Zip Recruiter. I wanna thank Manscape. I wanna thank Cake Piggly, the Christ Killer. But most importantly, I wanna thank you motherfuckers for having our back and supporting our comedy and what we're trying to do here, our cause. You know I'm with you on this fucking thing. Without you motherfuckers, I got nothing

and that's how it works out. So I wanna thank you guys for being part of the church family. All you motherfuckers will be back Monday morning, tip top, Magoo ready to stab a motherfucker. I suggest you're ready to go because next week we're giving our fucking bayonets. You understand me? Have a great weekend, have a great week,

and don't forget to stay black and don't take shit from nobody. One more time for Cake Piggly and the Christ Killer. I gotta go. Kick this motherfucker muley. Yeah, yeah, woo! Ha ha. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Close the door, put out the light. No, they won't be home tonight. Snow falls hard and don't you know The wind is a thour of blow and cold They're wearing steel that's bright and dry They carry the colors that must get through They're just a plant where no one's gone

They won't run Snow falls hard and don't you know The wind is a thour of blow and cold They're wearing steel that's bright and dry They're wearing steel that's bright and dry Snow falls hard and don't you know The wind is a thour of blow and cold Devil mops there every stair Snow drives by at the foot that's slow The dogs will do my howling more They carry news that must get through

To build a train for me and you They come fast and don't want to go Snow falls hard and don't you know The wind is a thour of blow and cold They're wearing steel that's bright and dry Snow falls hard and don't you know The wind is a thour of blow and cold Thanks for watching!