Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #683 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Tom Segura, a stand up comedian with multiple specials available on Netflix and a podcast called "Your Mom's House," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

Last week I was home Tom Segura, and I'm driving down Kelly Boulevard and we stop at a light the beauty Tom Segura I want to do this, but I want to do this for your studio only. I only want Tom Segura productions involved in this You have nothing to do. I want you to get a camera. Yeah fucking do with the glasses. Yeah, Josh Potter. Yeah Let's get him. Let's get a nice and stone. We rent the car in New York Drive down Kelly Boulevard. I tell you every corner where I robbed somebody it is The fucking funniest thing I used to rob a gas station across the school from the high school What? There was a gas station across the street from the high school. It was a Cuban guy named George So the gas station was in Amaco. So we just called him Georgie Amaco. That was his name

Let's start it out. All right, but I can see that he was a dick So one night we wanted to rob a gas station me and my buddy Daryl Rago's got arrested so So the first time we robbed it we didn't really rob it I went down try to rob a water pistol from Pathmark and I got caught robbing the water pistol Because you put tape around it and it looks like you pop out a fucking thing and I got caught and I talked my way out of it So we went we got like another plastic gun from my friends fucking little brother and we taped it up And we me and Rago were gonna rob the joint and we went in and the fucking dude was washing his hands And he had the bundle of money on top of the county. You can't write this shit

You can't write this shit and I remember looking at Darren and I just grabbed him We just ran like pussies down the corner. We ran for like three fucking blocks four blocks full speed ahead We get to the corner. There's nothing there's who gots. It was a Jewish bankroll It was like a 20 with a bunch of singles in the middle So now we wait like six months and there's a new attendant and this guy we went in there full speed ahead We're fucking baseball bats We grabbed them give me a fucking money we took them we had mask on with ski holes and the whole fucking thing We took them that time. Yeah, like the small eight. We got them good because in Jersey. They got to pump your gas

Yeah, so they keep the fucking money So we always knew this shit So we shook them down and then we did that to him in another time We had a bunch of tires out there and we just went one night with a car I just started putting tires in the car. He took all the tires. There was no cameras in this day That's when he used to rap with a woman. How often were you robbing places? I would alternate them I had a couple different spots that I would just hit them when they were weak. Yeah, so don't you miss that a little bit? Oh with all my heart. I see shit. I see so many openings now, but there's cameras everywhere

Because it's in your blood. You know I'm saying it's in your yeah, plus the thrill, right? It's got to be such a thrill so we kept robbing this guy ties, you know the whole thing soda machine the other soda machine We broke it one night. We just this guy you call the cops the cops are like we know these kids We can't arrest these kids. Yeah, how about them? We had to be 16 17 And no one at the tire shop said 16 year olds attire truck tires. No, we would move shit like fuck We had a guy that we were dumping on but the guy got so angry that he called the cops so much He crossed the street and he started talking to the superintendent of schools and the superintendent of schools We grew up in his house, too

And he was like a chunkier guy. He looked like Paulie from Goodfellas That scene the guy telling them complaining these kids you got to calm him down and he would say and miss that I don't want to say his name got arrested. So Mr. A would have a cigar and he'd go I talked to them all the time But they don't listen It was just like that just like that Readings from motherfucking podcastville. It's Monday May 13th wash your pussy and powder your fucking asshole It's gonna be a good motherfucking week. The church to what's happening now is brought to you by Manscaped listen, let me tell you something. There's nothing worse than trimming your nutsack and around the fucking pole of death

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Tom segura is here The christ killers here Kick it kick it at least i need some smoke coming out of my spiky Here we go Little suicides in this little sound card Oh Tommy buns in the fucking house Jose. How are you? I'm great, man Now when you see your dad, do you speak spanish them at all? No, my dad doesn't see my mom your mom

Yeah, what does she say to you in spanish anything? I don't see to come with you know Por favor. I don't basically you know all that shit all that shit everything man. She speaks to me You know pretty much 50 50 a lot of spanish though. Did you take spanish in high school? I did I was but I was through it all like I Passed a level 4 ap sophomore year. So then they threw me in french and I got a d and what a fucking nightmare I thought I was going to be as easy as spanish and I was like You never switch you got to keep in the neighborhood. Yeah, I should have done it. Tell me it was italian Yeah, I took italian and it was I could understand it. Yeah, italian was funny

I was watching the godfather last night and the more south you go on the boot The more spanish he gets really? Yeah, like when you listen to cilantro talk, he's pretty much speaking spanish too positive He was fucking like I forget what the line I go. Wow. It's so close And but I grew up with Sicilians and when they would talk I could pick up I could pick up a fucking You can understand a lot of it a lot of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and I heard like north Then it gets a little then it gets a little complicated. So frog ear, right? Yeah, the the fucking Yeah, the french like I used to it's like some guy say buongiorno Like northern italy and maybe me. I don't quote me on this. I don't know but other people say

ke fa That's hello. So I think that's more of a Sicilian dialect, you know, yeah But i'm what the fuck do I know you ever heard you ever spoken with like a A real You know argentine and you're like, are you speaking italian? It takes you a second to realize they're speaking spanish Well, they sing it, you know It's like speaking the spaniards Yeah, people that are really from spain their spanish will complicate but right now at this point in the game. So go

Or I could maintain a simple conversation The shit I was talking when I was 13 has disappeared from my mind. Yeah, like when I was 13 I was dropping scientific facts in spanish. Yeah, I could talk to my mother in a more once they died That whole world died, you know, I was from union city where You spoke spanish like the cuban spoke spanish when they were amongst themselves. So you heard it You heard the music You know

I remember it and i'm happy that I remember it But it's not like and it was proven when I went on the rogan broadcast with yoel I didn't know a lot of shit He was saying common words that is simple that I picked up after I listened to the podcast So it's like a muscle that it goes away. It goes away, you know, I I used to be Really sharp at one point when I when I was in college I did a semester in madrid

And when I came back from them writing term papers in spanish Given presentations and I came back and i'm not shitting you my spanish was better Then like my mom's than other natives because I was just so Immersed in it. You know, I was madrid six months six months. Yeah, how was it? I was dope, dude I love madrid. How was the food amazing like everybody says amazing. Yeah, seafood inspired everything a lot. Yeah, everything I mean, but like spanish cuisine is I mean, I think it's phenomenal. So yeah, it was yeah a lot of seafood You know, it's all the paella all the famous but like scores and all that shit. Yeah, it's so good When I was in uh, jersey this last time there's a pattern you can't compare it

There's a place called las tapas on bergen line avenue and I went in there the fucking paella. It was great But my all-time favorite paella back there is a dump It's always like that. No knocking with jersey We're fucking for some reason. Everybody's head is just huge You know every time you see people walking like they're trying to carry their head something happen with the water They had giant stadium or something. I don't even know if mounaki has a high school. They would have blown it up by now I don't fucking know But they got a fucking pie and it's dirty

A violent sale you gotta give them 45 minute notice And then you gotta warm up Because you got the shrimp with the garlic Yeah, and you got to dip the bread in the garlic. If not, it just doesn't fucking work And I like when you scrape that pan that garlic pain. Oh my god. Oh my god, right, right, man I just went I had to climb making me celebrate right now basically our appetizer and shit like that But it's funny. My mother used to she said that My mother told me she had to do like

And I can't do the timeline like when she Trying to figure it out now My mother had to do like a six-month apprenticeship With my grandmother on my father's side Because they were from spain and she had him spoiled Rotten with what how she cooking her. Yeah, so that was part of the deal to get married to him You got a not a cook for him. Whoa. So when my father that's some old school shit. Yeah So when my father died

My mother kept cooking those meals And there was a fish soup that she made That nobody's ever made because she would take the fish and break it into little strands to take the bones out With potatoes or some fidel You know, like when you put fidel it's noodles But fidel is something completely different. Yeah When you have fidel, you know, you're having fucking fidel And did your dad die in cuba? No, he died in un city. He did he died in un city and how how

How much before your mother did he die 13 years 13 years before? She died 13 years before my mother. Did you remember your dad? I could lie to you Sections like I remember two stories. I I remember me and him driving Under Lincoln tunnel with me sitting on his lap, which you couldn't do today. No seatbelt smoking the cigarette Don't throw you in jail for that. Oh, yeah And I remember him and my mother talking in the living room like very And meat and bread with

olive oil Like I but that's it. I don't remember nothing else. Yeah, it's fucking Sick thing that I feel his presence Like whenever I leave the house, you know, I worry about my daughter, you know 30 fucking five school shootings this year. It's great, you know You see that little young kid's face. Do you see the one fucking 12 year old? He's like, I get a bat, bitch Yeah, and that's how these kids gotta be. Yeah, they interviewed a 12 year old kid from the colorado shooting this past week

Yeah, and the kid was like, I'll take a bat or whatever. He's like, you got a bad guy. I don't want to go down I'm not going to go down unless I'm swinging. That's you know, and that's I'm trying to how old is your oldest eldest now? He is uh, three and a half three and a half Yeah, you got two more years to not to worry and then they go to kindergarten and then you're on the road And there's a school shooting and you know when there's a school shooting in kentucky It affects all of us. Yeah, of course. No, it's terrible. You know, it's amazing how people don't have kids My whole view is changed on kids. I've always loved kids. Anyway, like I've always I'm not michael jackson

I'm gonna invite them to the house. No, no great adventure with great, but I like kids. I like talking to them I like observing kids and where the head is at You know and all that shit happened before you grieve for the parents like you're like, I would hate to be No, no parents should have to bury their child. You know so you grieve about all that shit, but At the same time now mercy goes to school and now when I'm on the road or whatever you have to fucking Prepare you have to prepare them like I've already

shot a gun in front of her Just to see if she'd shit her pants, you know, just you have to prepare them, man. It's a different Fucking world and I gotta tell you something If anybody should have shot up a school, it would have been a guy like me That lost his mother at 17 that fucking was really confused. I was angry at the world, you know This god that they talked to me about the fucking 15 years. Where the fuck is he? Yeah, there's no god would remove his mother from this kid And I would never think of blowing at that age. I first of all, this is my place of business. Yeah

That's why I sold my ass and I'm gonna shoot up my own joint. You know what I'm saying? Why am I gonna shoot up my own joint? Yeah, so I just it just doesn't uh Just doesn't make fucking sense to me when no the fucking shooting thing is so goddamn depressing, man You see did you see the fucking gun raid in homeby hills? Yeah A thousand holy shit homeby hills. That's that's a Beverly Hills Bel-Air adjacent like right there. It's big time money And they they fucking found a thousand guns. I saw sheets and covers and shotguns like Rifles assault rifles all kinds of shit. I'm gonna fuck out more guns and Lincoln. Yeah, you did That motherfucker was going to war. I see a proclamation. I think they say he was a white supremacist

They haven't really released much info. You know who owned the house. There's the getty one of the daughters of the getty I'm telling you something's not right. By the way, how fucking upsetting is it that uh, the okay symbol has been hijacked Like that now that's an uh, a white supremacist thing. Do you know that? I don't even know what the okay symbol is that That is considered. It's a flying asshole. Why yeah, well That's not an okay symbol for years for where I came from look at it. That's a flying asshole. That's what this was You ever see an a okay? No, and then uh, the the south americans were all like this means you're gay So they're like this means you won't you want some dick in your ass You make the okay symbol. Yeah, this has always been dick in your ass. Yeah, put a dick in my ass

If you're standing on the corner and some guy pulls up at the light and goes like this. Yeah He's asking you want to dick me in the fucking ass for the small 30 He's giving you three fingers or the small 300 What I remember was a game like if you got someone to see it you got to punch them That was the game. It was a game. But now yeah, now it's well, who would you play these games? I don't know. I'm the little faggy fucking kids. This means fucking in the ass. Yeah, and this means a flying asshole But now it means white fucking power. You remember your first blow job. Yeah, what was the guy's name? I got Joey

God damn it Did you ever experiment you do some gay shit? No, not even a little bit. Not even he's thinking about it now No, I'm not No, he's been the gay bars and shit. Not yet. I was the Monday night wrestling life. Life is young life is young You ever had like a tennis coach who was like, no, you got to do it like this I was I was a chubby kid. No one ever did that to me. Did you watch the documentary on that soccer coach? It's a HBO. I caught the first fucking hour And I had to turn it off because I could see my wife's jaw dropping

Uh like some fucking molester That dude the fucking coach of the olympics. Uh, oh wait the the gymnastics coach Documentary on him. He was opening up your asshole and putting two fingers and telling you he was it was helping you Yeah, it was helping you if he's fingy or your hips tight Let me stick my hand in your pussy with no fucking ointment on my nothing And he's like that. I fucking do it. It's like hundreds of hundreds. Jesus christ And you know, that's another one too. You hear about that and you're like fucking. Hey, man It's so depressing fucking scary fucking world and you got to prepare yourself

Well, I noticed like for you joe, you always go to your daughter's events It seems like like it seems like it seems weird to send your kid in an uber to an event just with some random coach What? No, there's a lot of people do that. Yeah, don't get me started. Don't get me started You can't get me started with this shit. No, I don't I mean especially in this where we live This area is very I don't know. I don't know. You know for years. I was angry with my mother Like in my early 30s when I went to prison

I wasn't angry with my mother. I just thought that she didn't do a good job Now I would open the casket and suck one of the bones on her feet Because she did a phenomenal job and here's the sad thing She was a degenerate gamma that was pretty much baseline functioning alcoholic She could do more as an alcoholic than most people do straight She would eat people's fucking lunches. She has a woman She ate people's lunch. She ate man's lunches Never mind these country women that complain all day and don't do dick. Yeah, so now I have a big time because the reason

I'm in this room at 56 is because of the principles That she exposed me to and the little things she did I mother worked till three in the morning dog And my mother believed that a bartender had a drink to sell drinks My mother believed she had business principles. She's like, I don't want to bartend. Don't drink You have to drink when you're behind the bar. It was the 60s and 70s You know, so she really bought she really believed that she believed that she believed None her bartenders could not have their boyfriends at the bar

If your boyfriend shows up you fight Not a key. I don't ever want the illusion that that guy doesn't have a chance with you Right smart, you know, I went to benihana the day I got back from new york I look at businesses and I look at what a waste they are that benihana and seno Is this ghetto as I've ever seen a place in my life. I was embarrassed Papers on the floor. There was two drink cocktails outside and see there's a white neighborhood Yeah, and it was disgusting, but it wasn't the people's fault It was that they did not hire somebody

to greet people at the door My mother when she had that bar, you know what the biggest lesson I learned was I never forget when I was working for my mother She would pay me good money 20 bucks 10 bucks to do menial shit Clean the bathroom pick up and I'll never forget one day. We had the restaurant still I had to be mercy's age and we had the restaurant still And I still remember my mother and you think about you listen to the story and you might think it's the wrong thing I remember my mother grabbed me going put a shirt on And a jacket. I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, come on. Come on

And there was a podium at my mother's bar and there was a bar first And then it was the restaurant. We only had the restaurant for maybe Five was about six or seven and it was too big of a load on my mother Because at the end of the day, my mother had to cook the meals So my mother had to cook but then somebody would come at a four and serve the meals And she had wages and my mother would be behind the bar and I still remember one day my mother There was a slow, you know those doors that you push Valvally it wasn't velvet. It was like a leather material with two windows

There was maybe my mother had 12 tables. Maybe three of them had people on them. I was about six And I'll never forget that a couple pulled up And the bar had like 15 people at the bar and two people pulled up and they go Do you have a table for two and they were like, aren't you young? To be a matriot d and they were goofing on me and I go, let's let me seat you And I'll never forget my mother was busy and she goes what happened to those two people And I go I sat them and she goes you weren't supposed to see them You're supposed to see them at the bar and I got to get them for two drinks

Before I see anybody in my restaurant. I don't care if it's packed or empty I got to get them for two drinks at the bar. There's a woman in 1969 telling me this And me going what the fuck are you talking about? And then she goes, where's that $10 I gave you? I took it out. I go here. She took it out of my hand. She goes You just lost it. You just paid for those two drinks and she walked away from me And I cried and I fucking remembered that lesson till today. I remember that lesson. Yeah, don't At benny Honda, there should have been a guy there. Yeah, that should have taken me and my daughter Oh, you don't want it. You're too young taking my daughter took my wife to the bar and offered her a drink

That's that's principles. Those are the principles I was raised in, you know You know how many times I took my kid into that fucking YMCA pool and jumped in the pool of me at 340 At that time when I first had mercy when I baptized mercy. I was 348 Really? Yeah, when I baptized mercy, I got big I lost a bunch of weight and then I got big. I used to take mercy to that's why I'm saying with no fucking shirt on When she was six months old, I'd take her twice a week to mommy and me swimming me and my fucking life You know how many times I saw a Mexican woman with white kids in there? Oh, yeah, yeah

Now Tom Segura, I understand you in new york trying to feed your wife But here's the beauty of it your wife and you were there Oh Right Texting all right tweeting and the kids are in the pool like and they got a fat Mexican woman, you know the barely fucking speak She's in the fucking dreamer. She's a dreamer. She's looking out the window, you know Waiting to bring the rest of them in you know what I'm saying And here you two are what are the chances like that kid's got no chance

You never built a bond a bond with your child. Yeah, I still remember fucking two feet of snow Falling into new york city. I'm a cuban kid dog two feet of snow I'm waking up my mother reeking of alcohol And her getting dressed and pulling me down fucking amsterdam avenue. Remember those sleds. Yeah with the rope pulling me Back and forth for two hours. I was a kid with a hangover. You know what your chance? You know what mercy's chances are getting me out in the fucking two feet of snow with a hangover Niente zero, you know what I'm saying white power Stinky asshole

These are the things that get at me That parenting has really like cut out and then now we got You know that whole shooting with that fucking colorado. You know what happened, right? There was a kid and then he had a 16 year old That was born a female but she identified as a man What I don't know. Maybe I'm fucking retarded. Maybe I'm a fucking asshole How old do you have to be to drink? 21

So you're giving a fucking 14 year old fucking pills because he tells you he's a woman You're giving him fucking pills. It's happening younger. The mind is not even developed yet. I'm not I'm not a fucking genius here I'm not a fucking genius here. Listen. I did acid at 14. I may at any time Walk into a fucking restaurant and just shit in my hand and throw it against the wall I'm waiting for it is to mention my future. It has to be I ate 20 000 hits of micro acid Let's pretend we're not even adding the fucking angel dust in there before my little fat fucking mind was developed I know I'm gonna have a problem down the line. I'm not a psychiatrist. I didn't go to doctor school I don't know nothing

But you're telling me given a 12 year old kid fucking titty pills tranny pills You're gonna give some kid tranny pills at 12 And not fuck up his little mind Did you not know that that the the the four the 16 year old had a sitting quote with his fucking mother? Because he's a fucking he identifies as a fucking woman But he's really a fucking man if my kid thompson gurus mercy comes home and says to me I identify as a man I will start smacking up. What the fuck you you know what i'm saying? Yeah, I identified as a savage I still check the box of fucking mail

Okay, I identify as a savage. I rob people. I put people in trunks of cars. I don't give a fuck I am a savage. I still mark the box gender Man, I like to put other I'm a fucking savage fucking animal But so how can you really? You know, how can you Joey give your child? I don't give a They're doing it to kids that are like seven and six to give them titties to do what? Yeah to start to do what? To transition like I'm no fucking genius here, but I want you to think about this

Your little mind isn't even developed come back when you're 24 Oh, you want to be a woman come back when you're 24 Go out there and live like as a man until you're 21 So you mean to tell how old you have to be to join the service 18? 18 I don't know. Maybe i'm missing the fucking boat. No, it's very maybe they should put me in a fucking mental institution Do you know what I mean? You have a little kid too. Like I have a kid two kids Like kids say crazy shit too and to like I think it's like people who want to transition Obviously you you're like, yeah, go ahead man, but when it's like a child

It's I have nothing but love for lgbt. I understand it. I understand it But I think it's I know I understand it But I don't think a child before the age 18 Understands it. I don't I don't think so either. I don't think there's a grasp I think that when they're 18 if they want to identify They have to go through some type of program and take some type of testing at the age of 18 8 9 10 you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about come on man

You don't know what you're talking about when you're 21 If you take an eye if you take a great look at your fucking life Did you you didn't have a crew at fucking 21? You were just flapping your lips like I was Yeah, of course you were just flapping you were just picking up what people were saying at different fucking parties. Yeah flapping What's the matter with? Yeah, you might have on I can't tell me it's some oh, yeah, there you go. There we go Okay, I thought I saw you and hit the microphone You know, uh, think of some of the shit you did right then for a week Well, here's the thing man think about if you do start transitioning at a really young age and then you're like

25 or 30 and you're like oh fuck like I didn't want I I did it way too soon or even you can even be younger you could be 19 and be like, why didn't you guys help me transition at 9 or 10? and then you know, there's There's already evidence of that of people who have done that and and get suicidal, you know go look at the statistics Of transgender people at any age That that made the conversion Or the journey or whatever it's called. Yeah to be rude. Yeah. Yeah, look at the rate of suicide there

Yeah, you know unhappiness Being unhappy as a motherfucker totally doesn't make you think yeah, I don't ever like being unhappy I don't like it anymore. I was unhappy for a long time I know I'm at an age where I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me unhappy. I know what I want to do I don't know what I want to do. Isn't that the best? It's 50 percent It's a nearly 14 percent of adolescents reported a previous suicide attempt But then for the one for people who go from female to male. It's 50.8 percent And then from male to female. It's 41.8. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm a fucking idiot in these people's eyes

And this is what I live with that. It's it's not about It's common sense Yeah, I would think so it's fucking common sense You have you know, I love it when they show the governor of whatever dressing up like the kkk and putting blackface on At the age of 23 I hate to tell you You're a fucking idiot at the age of 23 Definitely your first year of college. You're a fucking moron with with eyeballs

I'm talking about everybody. I don't care. What kind of degree you have you have no life experience No, you've been in a college. You've been in a dorm. You've been in whatever the fuck you have. Yeah, you have a This friday friday nights. There's always date night in my house if i'm in town. There's no common. No, nothing We leave at 6 30 pick a restaurant. We take a ride. We're home by 9 9 30. It's no big deal What about sundays you go out on sundays? No No, I know I know the policy sunday then I with the family who goes out on sundays jerry Who no who goes who goes what type of person goes out on a sunday sunday? Just a sunday night. Well, there's people. No, no, no, no

When you're a fucking professional, yeah, if you really want a sling dick and get your dick sucked and let your balls on fly If you really want a party it's sunday and thursday night when I was doing coke. Oh Sunday nights are good night to pick up a piece of ass because she's been saying no all weekend. Yeah, yeah Yeah, that's true. She's been saying no since thursday She's been holding out. She went to cheek all the ruse house and snorted below You got a sunday. She's nice and soft. She's already taken 20 punches to the head. You know what I'm saying? She's already rose and macaw and whatever Rose macaw and she's bound to say yes, okay

Couple fucking drinks couple bluebirds. Maybe you're fucking sleeping pill. You're getting your dick sucked You know thursday night, you know, I never understood when I was 18. I figured out not to go out on friday nights Before I left for colorado january of 1983. I was cut and was driving my friends crazy They couldn't understand like what do you do on friday night? You're up to something What do you do go to a gay bar Staying and watch tv because I went out thursday night and got my dick sucked and snorted below Thursday nights if I am it's just any ass thursday is the best thursday is the best when you get down But back going to sundays. Yeah when you're partying sundays are good

But once you have a girlfriend and you start going steady with them or whatever think about what this country was made of Sunday fucking dinner. Yeah four o'clock. I don't give a fuck Unless somebody's giving you a million fucking dollars I guarantee if you look at look at statistics of people we did it together on sundays I don't want the family stays together. It just makes sense. I never had a family For years. I ignored this poor girl for the first three years. I dated this poor girl I was never home really never home I didn't want to come home because I was a fucking addict

I was telling my wife the other night if I still snorted coke I'd be on the road every weekend Every will fuck the podcast I'd just be on the road every weekend. Why not that's the party would start on fucking wednesday Yeah, it's the perfect fucking the road if you're an addict and you want to keep it quiet The road is the way to do it I mean eventually you're gonna make mistakes and then buy an ounce of coke for an undercover agent Or you're gonna get herpes and you're gonna end up like mitch edberg eventually that's gonna happen to you

Bert, yeah Bert poor Bert leave Bert alone He's lifting weights with one arm. He's got a little chinese kid with a camera. He's walking around belgium and shit like that I haven't a good time. I saw him last week. He got so fat. He looks chinese I didn't even know it was Bert. I thought it was a fine I thought it was a fat china minute shit And I looked and it was Bert with some kid that alcohol is getting through it His fucking head is swollen from those blood wires

That fucking Tito's vodka. He's all red. Oh, no, he sees the mess I thought he was a fat chink. I saw him on burpee.com. I go who's the fat chink? Lifting weights with some skinny fucking kid Unbelievable He's back, right? He's back. Yeah, he's rested. He got back last night. They're like two in the morning Yeah, you saw him on instagram. Yeah. Oh, I'll got forbid. He don't tweet about himself. Oh, my god He's on there. Oh fucking they follow himself. He's like a fucking fifth grader. Unbelievable every bit. I'm over here now I'm buying a shirt. He left. He left. He was at a bar

He made a video of him at a bar the other day. That was just hilarious. Oh hanging out with people. Yeah He's fucking hilarious. He really is and he walked that is my nightmare though He he'll tell the audience like let's go to this bar the audience And then he'll go party with the audience. How far Gabriel took the whole audience at denny's On christmas night that I could get into That I could get into he told the whole audience how much at denny's 3 000 mexicans Everybody everybody at denny's christmas night. Remember he does those christmas day shows. Does he really? Yeah Fuck that. That's Irvine, right? Irvine. He sucks out too much. He's a savage though. He he fucking goes

He must do 280 shows a year still more I'm saying gabe has no chill at all. Did you see his tweet last night? No Fuck all you motherfuckers. I went to Alaska and sold like He sold out the whole state I bet even the fishing poles. They just had fishing poles. Everybody left that show. What's the boat? The boat was docked What's the Alaska show? Yeah, he sold over. I believe it. Yeah, he tweeted last night. Good check. Comics are missing out But he never He never slows down

Gabe goes hard, man Gabe goes hard and he I mean obviously it works. I'm not saying you shouldn't I'm just saying like that I remember he started at an age with no twitter Yeah, and built that following this this you know, I'm a twitter facebook guy 10,000 10,000 in alaska. Yeah, fuck man That's crazy You know what guy, you know, you look at these old bands like I told you one time about erosement Take erosement for example, you know how it was to break out of boston

You had the boston seltics. Yeah. Yeah, you had the boston broons The red socks were what gots them, right? Yeah, dick But you had the seltics or whatever you got tip tickets for the seltics or you want to see five guys with long hair Yeah And that's when they had hamlet check jojo, you know, yeah fucking Russell, you know that whole fucking dynasty How does a band bust out without social media? It's crazy, you know gabriel

Sebastian Gabriel by the way, also like i'm playing some some big venues now and sometimes, you know, there's like artwork In the hallways. I keep texting them Like i'll see in the hallway like gabriel at last yes, then i'll look at the date Of like i'm saying a pretty big theater And it'll be like 2010 and i'm like dude you were doing this venue in 2010 He's like, yeah, I think I did it first in like 2008 or something like god damn I didn't realize how long he's been

You know moving that many tickets It's a long time in to maintain that for a decade is a big deal It's a big deal. It uh I strum a man book in the bicycle club Gabe 35 hours On thursday nights and you had to get paid on friday you had to go back on friday and get your money In the heat of traffic off the 710

Jesus there was times you just said keep the 35 hours I still remember when he lost his virginity On the plane right that went down in those days rudy marino booked wednesday In tusan called bugsy's And you'd fly down every wednesday three comics a buck 50 a piece You got a hotel room And you got like 600 dollars in food Because the guy weighed 800 pounds that booked the thing he had a lump on his fucking neck

It was tremendous. He'd take you to the best mexican places But then they introduced a show named k-locos. Do you remember that? Yeah, I do And He blew up on that and enjoyed locally or Lopez helped him. I think I don't know the whole story, but He's been rocking it since then dude. It's it's really impressive if you just want to study you know Being a successful stand-up What he's put what he's done is it really is remarkable to to build that following before that social mean like build it off of like

Those shows and comedy central stuff and like just have that loyal of a following and make it grow For like, you know, he does arenas and amphitheaters and shit now. So it's like it's gone the other way I can't it was a couple weeks ago But he was like I remember coming to this city when I got 30 people at the club and I just I think it was like 20,000 he's like there was 20 people at the club and now I did 20,000. That's pretty cool. Do you see? I mean his uh His special he shot it in houston where the rockets play. Yeah, and he sold out two shows there You know what I mean like back-to-back 18,000 seat

Or whatever it is 20 Shows, I mean that's 40,000 people in it. It's really fucking crazy, man When you study it dog, I'll tell you why give props to I had a conversation with him one night And this is exactly how the conversation went was when 98 when houston was the hottest club in the country. Yeah And I was walking until that factory who's walking in bed a cook. Yeah, and I go dain How was houston and he looked at me and he goes it's a great club Just too many nights. I gotta figure out how to condense my nights And next thing you know, he was at that bar every Tuesdays

And they were just there to see him In those days, they didn't want to see anybody else. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. Yeah, everybody went there to bomb To doublins or doublins. Yeah early in doublins. You just went there to bomb I still remember watching three four comics bomb I ate a bag of dicks And I said I'm never there's no reason to go back there again Man, he would just torch the room. He would destroy them. He would it would just be Amazing. I had him on last week on a podcast

And we were talking about that and I was trying to tell the listening and viewing audience like Because I used to go to those shows. I didn't get on. I remember asking j. I gave j davis a vhs I was like, he was like, yeah, like looking past me. He's like, sure man I'm like talking to like the other people. I was like, fuck I gave my vhs tape And I I sat through a few of those shows dain like the fucking walls would shake I remember sitting there and being like, what in the fuck man? Like it was

So destructive. It might be like The hardest I've ever seen anybody. No, I was there. I saw it and you It's not that you were jealous It's that you would defeat it. You want to go back like you're like, there's no reason to come here I already know this is dain's room. I'm not gonna have to repeat this. I did a east la room one time Where I bombed like that. I was like, shit It was like all mexicans and all mexican comics and I went up there

Like two three years in just eight Shit, I tried to count crowd work and I was like, hey, what do you think about this? So he goes, who cares? I was like, oh, yeah, no stage I got off stage And the guy the guy hosted was like damn like that was that was wild how bad Like he was talking about it. And then I was like sitting backstage. I was like fuck and then I go. Hey, man. So can I come back? Um, you know, like maybe in a month or something. He was like, you'll come back here Like in front of every he was like, he said he'll come back here. I was like, god damn because I just ate I ate shit so hard

I never went back. But you know, I was asking for it. I met you in 98 No, no after that. No, I wasn't even out here then. When did you start comedy? Oh two Oh two is when you started. Yeah and When did rogan go on the Tour that you opened oh seven That man tore. Yep. And you were already in ohia No, no, I was I was out here. I was living right here

Yeah, and I and I opened for him on that and then I really fucking form it like I met you The night before he shot a special in columbus Because I remember he invited me out arie And then he was like, oh Diaz couldn't make it. So Diaz is coming on another flight Diaz walks into the hotel in his tracksuit. He was like dog. I gotta tell you something This fucking asshole on the flight. He's like, I almost got arrested today and he fucking said that he was on a flight and that He was first class and they put his food down and the guy in the in front of him leaned back

So joey shoved his seat And the guy was and the guy leaned back again. He goes hey Like you're fucking leaning on my food, man So the guy was the guy did it again. So joey stood up and went around and stood above the guy And the guy was like, hey man, I'm just like leaning back. He goes you're leaning back on my food And the guy like went to adjust or like stand up and joey put his hand on his shoulder and was like You don't you don't gotta do nothing right now. Just sit sit straight And then when you got off the flight, you said there was two

columbus pd officers on the jet bridge And they were like jose Diaz And you're like, and I got this this weed under my nuts And then um, and this is by the way, this is me meeting him. I've now I don't know anything about it I was like, oh, shit And then you go you said you just were like very polite like, oh, yeah, no, you know the guy this and that you kind of talked them down And they were like, all right, you know good to go Got off like this guy was a total fucking you have a memory and a half

That was exactly how it went down And here's the crazy thing like he Kept doing it to me Like after I said to him His chair is broken His chair was broken to start off with okay, so now when he would lean back I really guys I really opened up as a gentleman He was an la cunt

He was like a set designer He had that smell to him as a casting director or an agency at a boutique agent. Yeah. Yeah. He was one of those scumbags Yeah, those are the worst And he looked at me like what and when I put it in my hand on his shoulder Again, he's one of those faggy people that yelled assault. Yeah. Yeah. So when I sat down, he was like he got up and went To the stewardess and now the stewardess has given me the malukai All the stewardess has given me the fucking malukai And I'm like this is not going to be good

Yeah, and I'm not those days had my sleep apnea bag and I had and that this time I was getting in trouble at airport Every other week Every other week I was having a beef at an airport really just between the cocaine and my attitude And it was just a bunch of things that attributed to it And I remember when we got off the plane the cops were waiting for me and I'm stinking a reefer Because after three hours even with the anti stink bag The shit would leak out those anti stick bags you could buy they really do sell them I'm not kidding you people they sell them down in hollywood where they wouldn't stink

But after two hours the weed was so pungent. Yeah that you could smell it on your body and the two cops Stopped me and the faggy guy Was standing there going, you know, you should put them in jail and all this. I'm like, I didn't do nothing to go to jail I tried to be a man and explain something to you and right in front of the cops I'm like, but you were too much of a cunt An LA cunt And the cops kind of like oh I get what's going on. I know this guy's like because they're blue-collar guys

So he walked away. Yeah, and they held me there. So we couldn't be at the luggage together and that was it But there's a god See after these motherfuckers, I don't know whether he sent his son to kill Jesus I don't know whether he's Chinese. I don't know whether he's a buddha. I don't know if he's a hindu There's a god guess what happened a year later I saw that same bitch across going to columbus on a friday with me. Are you serious? And I just eyeballed him and he made eye contact And tried to change the eye contact and one time I went into the bathroom and what I did this time was went over the stories first

You see it. I'm saying yeah, so I went up and came for a compliment. I love your shoes. Yeah, you know, I'm rip She's black. I'm ripping down the Beyonce poster They go bananas and then when you count the way back. Oh, yeah, I tell them when they're black I go listen when I get home and ripping the Beyonce poster down. They go fucking bananas fucking bananas Come on, dawg, it always gets them because that pussy they go fucking bananas They want to show you the titties like like national geographic I

That's how they got those fucking poor african women to show you the taste of national geographic So on the walk back I said hey remember me And dawg he lost all the color in this space. There was no more stewardess. There was no columbus cops So I just sat like he was in row 3a And I was like in 4b So for two hours, I just tapped my hand and stared at him

And every time he would look at me I was eyeballing him giving him to malook guys. It was tremendous He got off that plane and ran I bet he ran off that fucking plane and I giggled All the way to whatever because there's a god in the fucking sky. You dumb fuck You fucking dummy acting that way. I was a gentleman A couple weeks earlier. I'm going to Newark I always take an out seat Man, I don't say a word to nobody on the plane. You know, I don't talk to nobody on the plane

I don't I don't I don't start it. I don't ask them where the weather Dupting I sat nice sat next to barkley last year The whole flat I didn't say nothing to him till we got off What do you say? I loved your Philadelphia That's it We walked off the plane one time it was me sebastian and john legend

Sitting right next to each other. I don't talk to nobody. I don't need to talk. I don't need to take a picture with nobody I need to do nothing I get in my fucking feet. This is not first class. This is United new lax to newark I'm sitting there the plane lands The plane's about to land and I take my phone out And I turn the phone on And the guy in the window seat says

And I look at him he goes Turn the phone off A german guy there's two german guys sitting next to me They were fucking They talk Nazi hate, you know, jew haters, whatever the fuck they are And they're both sitting there fucking to hock on each other the death fucking he ho and whatever the fuck they do So finally

Can you believe this? He goes, huh? Not even excuse me. Yeah, sir. You might get in trouble. He goes Turn the phone off And I go what? And he goes turn the phone off and the guy in the middle goes, did you not hear him turn the phone off? I go bro What the fuck do you think you're talking to? I go don't ever fucking tell me to do one of these go fuck you and fuck him And they're both going wait till we get off the plane. We'll see I go Well, we'll fucking see and the store this is like is there a problem and I go this fucking hump

Try to tell me to turn the fucking phone off and she said control your language and all this. I'm gonna know I'm not controlling my language. Don't ever fucking tell somebody don't you ask them And the guy kept talking and finally I go What if I got up and just kick you against that fucking door right now? Because you're in the last seat I wouldn't be saying a word if I was you because if I start swinging I could be a fucking madman Why are you talking if you're in the third seat in the fucking aisle? All I see was holding your hands up and me stopping on you. That's all I see you got to know in situation

You could be johnny mma. I get the first droppin that that leg weighs 265 Once it goes into i'm gonna keep putting my leg into and kicking you and your fucking hitler buddy here So the fucking stewardess comes separates us because I told him how long ago was this this had to be last week No around that time. This was like an incident. Okay. I kept having the sopranos was hotter than hell Yeah at that time. So I was having different fucking incidents every other fucking week Some of them were good Some of them were people busting my balls about the soprano that you were the guy Take a picture. Yeah

It was just like an ongoing. So now they separated us on the plane because I told the guy, what if I started kicking you right now? What are you gonna do? Are you retired? You can't be that fucking stupid talking all that shit in the fucking third seat I wouldn't say a word. I'd wait till I get in the hallway where I got an even chance, but that's how stupid you are So the the stewardess comes over She gets me up and sure enough. You got to sit here until the police have been notified What god damn it So now I'm aggravated because my friend in those days we had no dough

You got to have your friend circle like a fucking students around the airport So I'm like, you know, my friend's waiting for me. They're gonna hear the last guy to board You're onboarding with the pilot. So we get up and I forgot I'm in new jersey So as soon as I see the cops all I had to do is get them first All I got to do is get to that cop first and let him hear me So that's exactly what I did. I went right up to the cop and I go this fucking guy The cop's like, what's the problem here?

This fucking guy tried to tell me to turn the phone off and the guy started with his fucking white shit Well, we the the phone is not supposed to be turned on like shut up I'm like first of all, you're the fucking away team motherfucker Once I said that it was on I go, you're the away team. You got no say in this. This is jersey You don't tell somebody from georgia turn the fucking phone. Oh fuck this guy Fuck him. Don't ever fucking talk to somebody like that and the cops are like He's got you there. Yeah So the one cop walked them and the one cop walked with me and I just kept saying shit

So remember you're the away team motherfucker. Don't ever forget that shit We got you. I can make these guys turn you in and rape you to death. You're missing right now This could be like pulp fiction at the end when you call the two hillbillies. Yeah This is jersey these two cops could take you on a long ride And you'll never come back We saw i'm evacuating the plight new work and that's it. That's it. We don't know nothing. No, seriously I had a bunch of incidents. I forget how many incidents are seriously one time I'm fucking walking on a new example with a bag of reefer and there's 10 cops coming at me with those dogs

Oh, and I had to go into a fucking men's bathroom take the weed out and I hit in the toilet paper row You don't meet dog and I went back out there and they're barking and shit Barking all around they fucking took the fucking bag back put in my nut sack and ran outside. Oh, I was having The other time I was out somewhere smoking a fucking joint that cop pulled up on me at an airport I'm outside smoking the fucking joint And they're like, what do you think you're doing? They pulled me aside. I got pulled over in Detroit one time Wait, so what happened when they dea? Really? Yeah Coming from miami to detroit

Please so when you were smoking though because you know one of my friends I know like the whole world, you know has changed with weed one of my friends is so casual that like whenever we're traveling somewhere He's just like smoking on any street without ever looking or anything. I'm like, you don't even think about it at all I don't think about really America One is America number two if you're a cop And you're really concerned with marijuana. I'm not concerned with it and pulling you over and talking to you I listen, I would not I don't have the decency to go to your park where kids are playing in spark up

I'm not talking about that. Yeah I'm talking about I go outside right now and spark up a joint I've had that for 20 years You always were like before the law before the fucking paper. What did that cop say to you? When you said what do you think you're doing? What are you smoking and you're like a little weed I get anxious at airports and By and he just said turn it off and throw it away That was it. That's it. Just be honest with them. Don't show them a fucking weed shirt

Don't tell them about your fourth amendment to have liberty Mind your business. Just tell them the truth. Did you always like if someone was like that to me on a plane I I would have anxiety about yelling I want to yell at them and I would think about what I wanted to say, but I would never go back. No, I'm an adult You cannot Say that shit to me. There's a way to speak to people. You can't tell somebody Definitely a fucking phone. You can't fucking do you say, excuse me, sir I don't think they want you to have the phone on then. It's my decision after that. I'm still going to turn it on

I love in the old days may say there's still a phone on on the plane. How do you know? Yeah, that's for white people to believe Let's throw a phone on check your phone. I've had the phone on the whole fucking time. Everyone's phone was on Yeah, and they try to scare you like somebody the pilot says there's a phone on And people would double check and I know my phone. I've never Been good. Listen, let's be honest. I told somebody this story Let's be strictly completely honest with each other when I got thrown out of Catholic school My mother made me a deal at the age of 10

She goes you could take care of yourself or I could take care of you If I take care it's going to be on the fucking communistic Cuban rules If you take care and you don't slip up We don't ask no questions So she was already raising me to be on my own Yeah, my wife of 19 years who I love with all my heart knows two things about me Don't ask me where I'm going And just pretty much don't ask me anything

I'll tell you Yeah, if you want to keep your relationship as a friendship with me Don't ask me no questions That's it Because I'm not going to tell you the truth Even if I'm going to murder somebody I'll tell you whatever the other night. She goes where you going to see a man about a dog That's my common sense to people. What does that mean? Don't ask. Yeah, I'm going to the store. What's the big fucking thing? It's it is my pet peeve, man

It is the questions because I've been raised without it. I know I've been having a problem with with certain situations I don't like when people try to push it on me Don't push it on me because you're not going to get no one If there's anybody who does what he wants to do from the morning to night It's me and I've been doing it since I was 10. Sorry, you're not going to change me You know, I could tell you thousands of examples Told you not going to lock me in. I don't like being locked in. I'll tell you two days before

If you keep bugging me, I'm not going to do it Ask me. I'll give you a time of the day and I'll fucking be there It's it's it's weird to explain to people and now that we're parents What time do I you know how much I appreciate just to get you for an hour Tom? No, you have not one child But two child two children People don't really understand the value of your time. Oh, yeah, it's the most of them How many stupid requests do you get every week from people a lot and you try to be fair and honest with them

Yeah, but unless you have a child You can't comprehend it. How do I know because I didn't comprehend Ralphie When Ralphie come to town, I go, hey man, let's smoke pot and he go. No, I gotta take my kid to the zoo With all the money you have you have to go to the zoo. That was my thinking. Yeah That's not my thinking anymore. It's a parent because you know, you know, it's not about money It's just sitting with them watching I I sat with her this morning for an hour before he came here playing that shit out in the fucking yard Her mother bought her the whole fucking kit the the torture joey kit

The horseshoes With the fucking thing where they have to throw up and land in the circle I did all that shit this morning. Didn't cost us a dime. They just want time Now they do they want to play with you and people really don't understand that concept anymore, you know I have to have rules. I have to have I could go out to the store Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays But why can't you come Sunday and Wednesday because I got a wife and a kid though? Yeah And they're more important than your stupid fucking night

That's why they're more important. You want me to tell you the truth? Yeah, they are I don't give a fuck about your stupid fucking night. It's just so you know, can you come to marina del rey and do a podcast? No, I gotta be honest with you. No, that's four hours No, my thing is no the most thing that's four hours during the week I gotta be back here every day by 330 times to go I'm at attention like you see those chinese people how they stand out there. You see the koreans. Are they out there? They don't move a muscle. Yeah when the fucking kim jong-un was talking. That's me at 330. I got a master and she's six She's six. I try to watch 15 minutes of world news tonight

With david mule and then I do whatever she wants to do which three days a week is movie tie And then the other two days is swimming and today's swimming. I should be swimming right now You see they gave the boot by the way to the cbs guy. He's out CBS anchor, which one? I forget his fucking name. He did the nightly news They they were given the the gig to the lady from the morning show. They're swapping swapping him out The black chick. No the uh She's like a white

Uh Middle-aged lady. I fucking forget her name, but she's taken over the cbs evening news I mean he's at mirror's abc, but i'm saying like that's it's a it's a big switch up man Big uh, I gotta ask you a question. How have you maintained? Being so cool the last couple years. I mean you have a great career going I don't know how many fucking net i mean netflix has a poster you're in their office when you go to netflix's office like the president comedy has a picture you He's like a little kid michael jackson little dead sick. It looks like one of those chai chi cha

You know the chai chi cha is those eight little sausages that come in a can white people call them vienna sausages That's what my nipple looked like My fucking nipple fucking It looked like a chai chi cha I went to cryo therapy columbus ohio the black guy's like i don't know if you want to go in there doug A muffler guy hasn't been in there weeks Because when you go to cryo therapy in ventura, yeah, it's every three minutes or something in there So who warms up when you when it like the other day I went in there early like 10 15

That should that was the longest three minutes of my life I threw more punches than donald's around the dog. I was throwing fucking punches for my life. Is that what you're doing there? Yeah, what are you what are you gonna do what options do you have but you but you move I go in the song is three and a half minutes I put on Slaves and bulldozers And I always have to have you can't have bad music in there. No go crazy. Yeah. You gotta have madonna You gotta move. Yeah, I put on dad get into the groove Or burning up for your love and i'm dancing

So when I go during the week now you have to go at a weird time like sunday's you're going at 12 15 You're gonna freeze to death in there. So that first minute is so easy So what I do is the first 30 seconds for me is just standing I take the robe off I hang it up and I just stand there And I let the cold hit me and I focus on breathing That's the most important thing about the cryo chamber that they don't tell you That's why as soon as I went into a crowd chamber the first thing I did was call dr. Belize Because in dr. Belize's book it says about about the age from 13 to 16 is when you lose

Your natural ability to breathe something happens traumatic and your timing goes off So you forget how to inhale through your nose and breathe out through your mouth That thing forces you If not, you will have a panic attack in there. Yeah So the first 30 seconds when you go you would just align your breathing Listen to the music and just get your breathing in and know that for three minutes you can't stop I go in there for three and a half minutes. Do you really? Yeah three and a half. I started at 315 You started at 315. Yeah the first time I went in there with 315. I thought I was gonna fucking die

I started with two I started at 315 and worked myself to 330. God damn 315. I know to turn around and start putting my robot Okay, I always leave the one arm fucked up To force me to adjust to the stress Like if it's cold, I want to get adjusted So I just don't I always leave the arm tucked. Yeah, you don't understand what I'm trying to say I think so. Yeah to give me a harder time to get out of there. Okay, so I three once it says 30 seconds I throw punches for another 15. I count them off and in my head

I stand there and I very Relaxly Take the thing off I don't want to do that because now you're creating panic in yourself. That's true So I force myself to take it off as cold as I am pull the sleeve down And put warm arm in one arm and when it turns off She opens the door. I come out and she fucking test my body But I work it. I love that feeling when you leave. It's worth it for it, man

The build I might go today because I'm hungover. Yeah, I'm hungover. Just, you know sleep hungover Yeah, like I did an edible the other night that was so fucking strong That my wife woke me up at 20 or two on the couch And I thought she goes you had a look on your face. Like I was a demon I go, bro. I was I passed out was dreaming about food You were like when she woke me up. I was like, oh my god. Thank god you woke me up I was having a dream about shit She went in the kitchen and filled up a water bottle at 20 or two

And I walked straight to the kitchen opened up the fucking cabinet and there was a half a jar of pringles I just started pringling I just ate the fucking pringles. Then I made a ham and cheese sandwich. I ate that and then I went right to bed I was so fucking high Like the next morning I woke up and I saw the american cheese Because when they slice that the butcher he puts paper in it And I saw it. I go, who ate the cheese? Like I go. Oh my god. I ate the fucking cheese lesson How strong was he edible?

100 milligrams is stronger than that. Oh my god I took two of them to new york to shoot this movie and I took one of them one night when I had insomnia Slept like a baby And then the other night I took on the flight back You took the 100 milligram on the flight back flight back and I started freaking out that the plane was gonna go down And then they pulled the plane over to the side because of the rain in the midwest And they kept saying if we don't leave in 30 seconds in 30 minutes We're probably gonna have to cancel a flight till tomorrow morning. I'm high as a fuck and I'm thinking maybe I took the wrong plane

I switched And maybe because I was supposed to leave saturday. You're out of your mind at this point out of my mind I'm an hour in with earphones the plane was at the gate for half hour And they made the edible go up and then we drove around all over fucking new york city with kennedy airport We were cutting off ubers I'm like, what the fuck is this plane going and I saw a little irons pulling over to the side. Fuck you I'm trying to drive uber x I

We're in that fucking plane after a half hour. I'm thinking we're in the air This is how I am time for girls. Jesus, man. Now direct tv. You know mint That blue has the direct tv. Yeah, so I'm not watching the tv. I'm focused on the radio And I'm thinking we're in the air and I open up and I see 20 other planes. I go, what the fuck are we? We have been driving for an hour. We seriously. I don't know where he went around kennedy airport We're flying around for fucking an hour. And I'm like, what the fuck is this pilot going? I thought we were in the air with it. I swear to my daughter's grave. I was so high I thought we were in the fire. I took I took 20 milligrams on my last flight to new york

And that was too fucking much for me. Really 20 milligrams will do something to you First do something. I took 50 on the flight there. I was fucked up. I was fucked up, dude Those little little stars those green stars that I bought the 10 milligrams a piece Yeah, I took because I bought those too. Yeah, you control your heart. Yeah capsules triply. Thank god 10-4 podcast give him a shout out my man. Sam triply. I call them sunday fighting crying. I go triply I need uh, I need another bottle of those things. He showed up with a case Okay Thank you, Sammy. Uh, yeah, he gets down so fucking now

We're on the the the guy goes all flights going south available to take off but all all flights going westbound Are stuck we're on hold And now this edibles getting stronger and stronger and now I'm thinking of myself I was really supposed to leave at 5 33 in the morning and get to LA at 8 30 That was my original flight But be being the fucking pig that I am and I gotta get out of here early I want to be home in the daytime for her tomorrow. Yeah, let's say they're getting home tired. Let me get home

I'm on that fucking plane time to go and I'm like, you know when you I was okay. This is how people die This is how people die and this is how people lose bets all week You wanted the Mets at the last minute you call the Yankees and you lose the Mets were gonna win That was your first fucking option. Why'd you switch? Yeah, so I started thinking that way And I'm like, holy fuck this plane's gonna go down and I started thinking about my daughter Lee My family my friends. I was that high damn and I'm like, how can I get off this plane? And all of a sudden he goes, all right, we've been approved and I'm like god damn it Unless the plane was taken off. I go. I can't even listen. I was so high

I couldn't even hear music no more. Yeah, like the music was making me panic So I took the earphones off and I go. I'm just gonna watch tv without the sound. Yeah, so I put a mistake I pressed cnn and Desk and it shows the plane went down off Guantanamo Bay. Oh, and I first of all And I'm like, oh, fuck it a plane went down to that. I'm good. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? He took my place. He took it. Yeah So I was asking you how are you keeping your head with all the great success you've had the last couple years? Because you're still One of the sweethearts of my world. Yeah, I don't know man I mean, I think I think having a having a family keeps you grounded, right?

Like we have kids that you know your family you just that's like the most important thing and then I don't know. I feel lucky. I feel fortunate to have Opportunities, you know, I mean to get to play the shows the big shows and You just feel like You know, I think also maintaining working the same way that I always worked is For me like comforting, you know, I mean like when I was like a 1200 1500 a week act I would just Go on the road do my shows. I had like a routine, right? Like just and I and I do the exact same thing

I just Bigger venue, but I I prepare for touring the same way. I tour the same way. I think that keeps me Like I just think of it as the same thing as the $1,500 a week at you know, I mean like I prepare the same way just more people are at the show I'm with you traveling though it's um like The last few weeks were super busy. So now I'm off for a few weeks I got a easy easy week next week. I have a riverside theater show

And then saturday vegas and that's it fly home sunday morning And i'm done for so that's the only show for the next few weeks And then it picks up again in june, but then I have July three weeks in july off and then August september october november are pretty busy like at least How's your december? december's I I do one thing at the beginning of it like Four shows

And then I do new years in hawaii When do you shoot another special november? Where at in austin at uh, austin city limits. No shit. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, i'm excited I'm excited. That's been a hell of a ride for you, man. It has seen it since day one. Yeah, it's been crazy for all of us Yeah, everyone this whole circle of friends like the way that this has turned out is nuts. You know, I mean there's like it's expanding but like the

The circle that I consider like, you know that i'm close to buddies with you joe arie burt like what's happened is Like with podcasting And with stand-up. This is the biggest era of stand-up ever stand-ups never been more popular. I'm saying across the board You know, like I was talking to a promoter last week about it because you forget. I forget He's like, you know, like 15 years ago. He goes, do you know how many?

theater Acts there were in comedy. He's like like five You know, it was like cosby carlin You know, whoever like seinfeld big you had to be like a fucking Huge well-known name to be a theater comic He goes now he goes pull up any Theater list. He's like, there's fucking 200 comedy shows here at these theaters. So it's the best time to have ever Have things going well for you in comedy. We've never it's it's definitely

I mean, I can't reference it from memory But like it's got to be crazier than the 80s boom that people talked about Where do you want to take it? Where do you see yourself in five years? Do you want to be like Gabriel doing arenas and kevin heart? Do you feel like I mean, I'm I'm I guess I know I'm kind of conflicted in that like I've I've done four Parts in movies in the last year, you know from a big budget film all the way down to like Micro budget film. You just shot a film also recently. I just shot a movie two weeks ago

I had like five days or something six days here in town here in town, which is thank god the best I like movies Way more than I like television. I love I love the whole layout of movies I like that movies have a schedule and a rap date and that it's over so you can see Like I love the finality of a movie schedule. I love the storytelling aspect of it. I just like it more before you got here Lee and I were talking about scheduling I have a big problem with comedy scheduling anymore I have a big cop problem

with comedy touring in this town and how it ends I have a big fucking problem with it. I always have I do not As a comic my opinion Ever start comedy to be on the road 50 fucking weeks a year. I did not at all Not 40 not 30 perspective though. It's just day one. Yeah, I did not like I did not like it If you live in fucking hollywood, we live in hollywood for a reason. Let me tell you what the reason is, okay? The reason is Do I want the joey dear show?

At the end of the day, if you really sit here and think about it, tom segura I know you sold the show last year and I sold the show in hindsight I don't want to fucking show. Okay. I need to do you. You know why because it sucks the blood out of you and turns it into a vampire now if Chichi Bastic had a show And he wants to make me a janitor And he guarantees me six episodes

Out of 10 episodes I canceled 10 weeks of comedy work and for 10 weeks I shoot that tv show I do my podcast and I work out at the store. Uh-huh when that show wraps I go on the road fresh Fresh you go fresh You do that for a year or two. This is the way it got when I got here when I got here It was completely different than what it is now Then you did your 10 episodes again and guess what somebody offered you a movie. Yeah

So now somebody called you and said from april 8th to may 6th. We shoot this movie. We really don't have the dates Cancel comedy. Yeah, it's off the fucking plate. Do not bother me. Do not talk to me. We have nothing to talk about So now instead of you working constantly year round Because where do you work out your material for a netflix special on the road? Yeah, so now they get to see it again That doesn't make sense to me. No, that doesn't make sense to me that I turn on your netflix special And I know 20 out of the 45 minutes that you're saying Doesn't make sense to me Never made sense to me. I want to see your special and go. Oh, I've never heard this from top to fucking bottom

Ah, he said that when I saw him a couple weeks ago in cleveland. Yeah, I don't want that I don't want that. I'd rather do those Then wrap yourself around three weeks in clubs that nobody will fucking see yet But they don't matter. I don't want to say what cities so nobody gets insulted And then you shoot your fucking special And then after you shoot your fucking special You go on the tv show for 10 weeks and put the pen back on it Get the fucking feather with the chicken blood out and now it all balances out

And at the end of the year We're not burnt out on the stand-up. You're not burnt out in the movie because when you wrap a movie you're like Thank god, this is over. Yeah. Okay. I don't give a fuck if you're working with olivia After six weeks of long days and driving and whatever, you know It gets fucking sick of it tv I'm shooting a movie in new york and you just said the magic words. Yeah, I don't I get out of mean to insult nobody Big difference between a second li and a second new york big difference

You eliminate the country aspect. There's no managers or agents on that set. No The sound I'm working on now. Yeah, they don't give a fuck if you're olivia. You weren't getting on them Okay, so it's just a director writer situation with producers And they work in new york. Nobody stops us this time Well, you did that line. It was so brilliant. There's none of that shit Nothing you just shoot go the last two or three things I've shot have been television And I gotta be honest and I'm not sounding like I'm trying to be as honest with the audience Yeah with you as I can

On the ride home. I wanted to put a gun to my throat with tv Yeah, tv is something that we don't want it's sold to us They sell us a number. They tell us what you're gonna make per episode Our dick gets hard and by the third week you're losing your mind. Yeah, because you have a college kid telling you what's funny Bitch, did you did did you do philadelphia with bill burr that time when I was getting thrown bagels at no Then shut your fucking mouth Fuck you when you sat in that live watching fucking country faggot ass Okay

Fuck you when you're mad tv, you know, I when I was a five bay that I watched That's not funny. And that's what you're weaned on. We're bringing the heat. Well, I think chappelle cancelled the chappelle So you think he can't take it without crack No, because eventually you get sick and tired of people who don't know your craft telling you about your fucking craft That's the worst. Okay. Yeah, when you do tv after the third episode, they're selling you shit that you've never even heard of But I have two kids. Yeah, but we want you to have a boy and a girl and one kid's missing an eye And the other kids are fucking tranny and you're like, I didn't want that. That's not what tom ciger was about That's why we have a hard time with tv. Yeah, that's why the movie bit this movie. I'm working on. I'm loving it right now

And that was a schedule. I was brought up on. Yeah, I like to live in LA Look at where those those comics are they're dead. Do you know what I'm thinking of doing the only thing that really sucks about feature business movies is like the business of it is horrible like Trying to get something going is like a fucking for yourself. Yes, like to make a tom ciger movie Tom I got bad news for you. I got good news for you. Yeah, that's all great and then and we try Yeah, yeah, and look we all want to sell a show and be like louis ck. We get to edit it and Cut it myself and I'll do all that shit. You know what the chances are on that? Yeah That's six dudes. They do that with

And they got to be in love with you and those are the people I mean louis ck was a funny guy that got that privilege The privilege they give to those people the unfunny ones. Yeah You know, like I said, all I want to do at this point in my life. You got a recurring job for me on the job on the show I come in a janitor on the neighbor that comes in with underwear on I hit your wife in the face with a dick And you go home You go home and it has nothing to do with you. Yeah You move on from show to show and over the look at these people that are worthless

Look at every there's a new show on fox When you just cancel three shows. Yeah, you've just been on three shows and shows aren't the same anymore They don't mean anything. They don't mean anything. You see how many shows they cut. Yes all the time man every week No variety cut. Yes. I saw a variety on twitter. They must have cut 30 shows And you know what the other crazy thing is you used to not there used to be no such thing As somebody being like yeah, I'm on this show You would go like what show they say the name of the show. You'd be like, oh, I know that show Dude now people say shows. I'm like, what's that and they're like that's in its sixth season

I'm like, I've never heard of that TV doesn't matter. Yeah, you know when I got the longest shot I realized that tv didn't matter people would tell me they don't want to talk to people on tv They want to talk to people who are in the movies. Yeah, I believe in one thing and stand up comedy first of all I like being fresh when I do stand up comedy. Yeah, I really love being fresh I really love wanting to go out there and hug the people after the show Once you don't want to hug the people after the show take pictures and don't do it You don't really want to do this, you know, I'm not saying every weekend, but I'm saying I don't want it to be I believe in Winston Churchill says, you know, uh

When you go from area to area Uh with excellence I like podcasting because I don't have to go out that extra week a month. I like Movies because they're like that you get to do several different things And you're fresh for all of them If you told me right now, Joey, I picked up a show for 10 weeks. I'm definitely right into six I'm mentally prepared for that and I'm excited for that. I'm excited to drive the fox

I know where I'm gonna eat bagels. I know where I'm gonna do jiu-jitsu on the days we work late I know where I could kickbox. I have a friend that lives, you know, I'm saying yeah, so you turn it into your life I don't want to shoot a fox show if my agent's calling me saying Why don't you book a friday that week because I don't know what's gonna happen I don't know what's gonna happen Let's not book anything so we can avoid the drama. So we know where we are for 10 weeks That was all I ever wanted. I want this to be broken up I do not want to be on the road for

Rogan didn't go on the road all that shit. Rogan goes on the road when he wants to He does it because he's got a volt downstairs. Yeah, he's got it the right way. He did two shows. He's got it Like really down work wise. He really only works where he wants to work when he wants to do it There's a big difference Between being hot And then one day you go cold like the names we spoke about before the show And now you got to go out there to keep the lights on. Yeah, that's ten guys That's a grind

The guys you see on tugboats now, what do you call the ship comics cruise ships those tugboats They're really hanging. There's gonna be a bunch of brodies the next couple years in those tugboats Every weekend they're gonna come back with a new brodie We're gonna be having celebrations on ships for fucking years because you could just take so much of that The cruise when you walk out of your room and you see three people You just that's the brody fucking that's like that Scientology boat that got banked last week because of the measles those poor motherfuckers That ship shit can you imagine that's how you know how fortunate we are

Bro, every time my feet touch the ground in the morning. Well, I'm pissing. I'm thanking god Do you really I swear to god that gratitude shit is is actually very every day effective every day First of all, I'm not in the cruise ship. Yeah I'm not going to long beach and get out of the ship. Hey With a bunch of mortadelle's who goes on the cruise ship people go on cruise ship I've been on it. I don't like it. No I've been on it one time the cruise to nowhere. My parents like it. Yeah, please sit them down and talk I'm trying to say the next time you're on a cruise ship. I'll get a fucking I'll get a six for four black guy to grow you off

I swear to god right there in Curacao. I'll never find your body. I hate it. I don't like it I don't ask a bar. I don't like it. You get the measles everybody gets the measles You get vd. Everybody gets vd that that ship goes down. There ain't no lean out of the caprio They know lean out of the cabin. There ain't no chubby chick. What's her name? Kate Winslet She's hot in the fuck though that pussy that movie with a pussy out. Yeah with Harvey Kytel She shows a pussy got a beautiful fucking pussy Most of the good looking chicks got that ugly tuck on the pussy. You ever see that ugly fucking thing? What it looks like somebody hit it with a hammer

It was tucked under pussies when the clip don't come out. How do you like do you like it like Slim and neat or do you like a little meat to it? I like a little meat to it. Like I was telling Kate quickly She got a nice body, but no pussy. It looks like cardboard down there. You know what I'm saying? If I suck a pussy your universe will come out. I need some meat down there I need that clip to be chew you like a piece of calamari Give a chew on that clip. You're like, it's tough like calamari. That's how it I don't want calamari tough But when I eat pussy, I want that, you know, if you bite it ain't gonna. Yeah, where you bite it You gotta bite it from time to time. What about you? Are you eating pussy?

Don't don't even get in the place. We've been off this subject For months leave the kid alone. All right. Yeah, leave the kid. Are you please? No, please please I don't chew on it. Yeah, that's that's why you're single because if you ain't pussy the right way you have 20 bitches around You're a chubby dude Chubby dude should always have 20 bitches because they eat that thing like it's the last supper You go down there. You're scared. You don't want to lick the ass or you don't want to open the cheeks Yeah, I don't want to you never eat ass. No Really, I don't want to

Oh, that's gonna A little scumbag from a coach you eat though last night. I took my wife to yeah, and I took my wife to fucking Oh, yeah, I take Yes, man, it's rice and beans. How was that fart? I don't breathe in now Can you see they go you gotta eat the ass. Why don't no, please leave me alone Leave me alone. By the way, I'm very flattered how often I get tagged that you're my twin. Oh, thank you. I don't know you're You know if I lost like 50 pounds, but I need to lose some weight Be nice times to go. I don't want to take any more your time on a monday morning

You're the best home and feed the fucking kids. Where are you next weekend? um, I will be in Las Vegas at the cosmopolitan. Nice. Yeah, and then I got um, I got big show the only thing with tickets left is uh June 2nd the late show at the chicago theater. It's a sunday Um, I got two shows there that night The night before is detroit and saintly. Those are all sold out. So the late show june 2nd in chicago Uh come to the chicago theater. It's a 9 p.m. Show On a sunday night june 2nd. Yeah

If I had the balls I'd send the jew out of prison to light the fucking theater on fire If I had a second show on a sunday night, you're a fucking gavel and you should have just taken the money from sunday and ran home I know go get a fucking beef steak sandwich now You're sitting there like a fucking boba. Don't they with a cup Looking for people to come out on a sunday night in chicago and I got you made a good offer, man What am I gonna do? They got a they got a tomsa guru dot com or something like that. Yeah, tomsa. Go dot com Slash tour great, man. Yeah, she's great with hungarians in the world. She loves you hungarian friends. She's one of them She's one of them Christina

She loves you smile. Is it a right now? Huh? You finally said it right. What's that? You said it right this time What's in there? I don't even know what I call it. Christina. You call it christine Sometimes you call her christine and we always laugh about it. She goes nuts. I love it that is there a tomsa guru dot com Yeah, tomsa guru dot com slash tour has all the dates tomsa guru. I'm happy europe all that shit europe I'm doing europe too. When are you leaving? That's october Wait till they went to ices fucking fuck shinny ass. Don't come text to me. I'm over here. Nobody will save me Go ahead Wait till they fuck berg christian. Wait till he goes. He's going back to australia. He's going australia. Yeah, wait those kangaroos get him

And put that kangaroo dick in him. He'll never be the same if you thought he looked chinese before wait till you see him When he comes back now, I swear to god that he was a fat chick I believe it was into the dragon. I don't know what the fuck was going on Anyway, I want to thank our spa. I want to thank my man tomsa guru and the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. We're real quick Picking a reliable cbd company is like pulling fucking teeth. Okay, but those days have ended Lucky for you motherfuckers uncle joey found cbd lion Tremendous they make cbd products from start to finish cbd lion has you covered it comes in vape

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For 20 percent off your first order keep your fucking balls clean. I want to thank my brother tom sagura I want to thank the christ killer, but most importantly. I want to thank you guys For always having our backs you bad motherfucker. I love you to all my heart We'll be back thursday morning ready to sling dick and give out bubble gum Don't forget june motherfucking seventh the film war and new olines June 8th the tabernacle in atlanta tickets are on sale Go to joeydeas.net and let's get this fucking party started. I'll see you then kick kick this fucking mule lee. It's monday I want to be around

To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I I Somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company Wait and see

I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding From a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you

You