Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #689 - Cory n Chad The Smash Brothers

Episode Date: June 3, 2019

Cory n Chad, are identical twin brothers and stand up comedians known as The Smash Brothers. You have seen them on Showtime and Fox. Today they join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podc...ast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get up to a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get your first month for just $5.      

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Greetings from podcastville. It's Monday the third of motherfucking June the renters do cocksuckers The church is brought to you by Let me tell you something. It's June and it's an important month. It's the official start of the summer School is out and it's a perfect time for family vacations in other words It's a great month if you're looking to make some extra cash And there aren't many ways you can pay for a nice vacation Outside your normal income even without even working betting on sports is one of those ways and my bookie is the place to do it Let me tell you something. It's NBA motherfucking weekend. You follow me. It starts that's it
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Starting point is 00:04:09 Slash church right now. All right and get help get the help that you need Lee Kick this motherfucking meal. It's Monday morning cocksuckers. Oh shit a little BMX for you Whether you're black or not start jumping. Oh shit It's gay pride month Suck a dick That's how rock riders roll what Monday cocksuckers the third of June the rent is due. Don't just sit there and look at your fucking
Starting point is 00:04:45 computer My killer's moving silence like you don't know What the F you're gonna do turn that shit off I want the version with fucking niggas I want everything you understand me. They're trying to fucking edit me to forget about it now Welcome to the church. What's happening now you bad motherfuckers in house. I got quarry and Chad Aka the BAM brothers aka many fucking aka's. I got the Christ killer the spokesman for Auschwitz and your uncle Joe is here Throwing motherfucking heat if you're gay LBGT community happy fucking pride month
Starting point is 00:05:43 Go out there put a wig on suck a dick be free. Who are we to stop you? I'm saying who gives a shit Fuck Alabama. You don't need the boys in anyway. Just suck that helmet motherfuckers What's going on with the best brothers talk to me mad on the road on the road doing good Actually living the dream lately doing real good life's been good That's it man. It's got back from the south and we're happy to be here with you, bro I was the south it was great probably wise good Nashville. We did Zaini's Always a good town to do that in and then we did south Arkansas and Looney been the comedy clubs, but Nashville is always a good club. We like one in Nashville Zaini's is a good club
Starting point is 00:06:21 Country music hot chicken Chad was shitting blood for a week after we Never eat that shit again. What the hot chick? Yeah, they dip it in fucking lava. Yeah, I literally Shit blood for this is some chicken that you taste and you go this chicken does not need to be this hot Yeah, the place they deliver from yeah, the place that Zaini's gets it. They're a great club Yeah, and the best chicken in town bring comes in on Saturday and brings you chicken with I forget the name with baddies Haddie haddie bees Well, they have chicken that it's spicy, but it's it's it's I want the taste of the chicken You know they roast it just right. Yeah, you feel the juices in there
Starting point is 00:06:58 They took me to a place where the chicken was just unedible when it's unedible I don't need that much fucking spice when I did hot wings. They had the first seven Spices were fucking delicious. They really were great different dipping sauces The eighth one was delicious, but it just blows your fucking mind off You know what man? That's fun when you're 18 when you're 28 You can't you can feel the blood pressure going up fucking the back of your head feels like you're gonna fucking die You know, I used to have a cat that would always eat ice cream. Oh, yeah brain freezes in the middle He just looked at me like his eyes are rolling
Starting point is 00:07:37 Then he'd come back to life like nothing happened. He'd start me out for more fucking ice cream I dated a chick like that was she would fucking sweet seizure out, but it was fun. She would wiggle during sex and shit And you're still out there plugging it regardless of what no matter I told you guys two years ago It's a different animal out there. You know you guys being R rated how did the South feel? It was good because we didn't have to hold it You know, even though we were a little worried about being so dirty in the Bible built But actually the dirtier we got the crazier they got and we it was great We didn't even have to hold back at all and the clubs told us our alcohol sales were the highest all year
Starting point is 00:08:18 So that tells you one thing. It's good for the club People want to go out let loose and hear some crazy shit and he said our their alcohol sales were three times What any other headliner they had so fuck it. We'll take it when you guys Go on the road and did anybody warn you about the Bible built and say yeah, it's a different animal How did you feel about it? Yeah, well, we that's what messed our heads up. We listened to everybody Everyone told us yeah, you guys better tone it down because they've been seeing our newer shit Yeah, we're dirty, but I don't think it's the material we have now is as dirty But we were warned and and it was it was the polar opposite
Starting point is 00:08:52 But I think the times have changed like when we were down there people People were just ecstatic to have live comedy in in Little Rock, Arkansas They were just happy and the acts I don't know about the previous acts But we came in strong with high energy and they appreciated it. I went to the tour the Bible Belt of 98 and I Listened to what they said and took it to heart And I fell between the fucking you know, I bombed everywhere. Yeah every room. I went to Clark, Tennessee. I would start off strong. I
Starting point is 00:09:26 Would start off strong. I mean the first 13 12 just phenomenal and then I'd lose them And then there was no coming back and I got discouraged. I ain't a bag of Dixon Atlanta at that club I had a bag of Dixon Charlotte, you know in the late 90s creative had all their runs with a Bible Belt I did the little Little Rock had an improv, you know, you know The guys from Miami robbed The Miami improv the bartender and the manager got fired and then they decided to open up an improv The guy was calling me till about a year and a half ago one of those guys that's a he turned cop now He's a comic he went from being a photographer a bartender an actor
Starting point is 00:10:12 He was working at a comedy club and some comic came in and told me he was funny And he would call me and do challenge me like how long you've been doing comedy? I'm gonna bust through in like two years now. We just stay on the phone and go Whatever, but he opened up a club in Little Rock. That was just huge That's where Ralphie broke the bed at the hotel And they had a Hindu owner of the hotel and they you know, they did, you know, Little Rock in 99-2000 was not Like the president come from there that that was it
Starting point is 00:10:43 But the hotel close to that they put Ralphie in was one of those Motel 6's plus Hmm, and they put them in the only way they could pay Ralphie at that time Was by putting them in the penthouse of the hotel, which was no bargain to nobody Yeah, it was like on the third floor and it was like a bigger room and the first day he went in there He broke the fucking box springs like when they first he opened the club where he was the second act So every time you went in there think the owner of the hotel was the Hindu guy He would come out and look at you that that guy came, you know, yeah, he came two weeks ago Big guy broke bed
Starting point is 00:11:20 Ralphie never told me so I had to find out on the road. Yeah. Yeah, and that's the best time to call Ralph and go out for you Little Rock. Yeah, I killed. Yeah, I got a standing on made out with three chicks because before he met Lana That was his always his thing. Yeah, how did it go? Oh, I fucking got a standing ovation I made out with two girls. What made out with two girls who made out with two Pussy grabbed their titties. Yeah, he always made out with two girls Before a lot of when you I would call him and go hide this show go hold on You got a standing ovation and you made out with two girls. Fuck you. Coco. Yeah, I go So you were you in Little Rock and he's like, yeah, yeah, why I killed that club. I
Starting point is 00:11:57 Killed it. I said, how about the hotel room? Did you kill that fucking bet? Fuck you. Yeah, I didn't bet the baby was broken when I checked in That's what the guy didn't tell you shit. The bed was broken. No, Ralphie. I I almost broke the bed The beds made out of bamboo He broke a bed at Treasure Island and we had to go collect all the Bibles from all of our rooms And we made like a kickstand underneath the bed right under Ralphie's bed when we checked out. Oh, you didn't know Yeah, we stole all the Bible. I left it. Yeah, he's all just make my bed. Don't ever know Yeah, he's come on. He's all let's smoke one to figure out how we can fix this bed
Starting point is 00:12:33 And I go we don't need to smoke one with this go get all the Bibles, baby We'll fucking we'll jack this bed up put four Bibles there. We're out. Let's go He snapped it. What's crazy to me that you're telling me is that we're living in a time right now We're in it. It's a PC culture on paper Because this is what I'm finding out It's a PC culture for those who want to choose that culture, right? There's still tons of people left like guys like us. Yeah, that speak from the heart We say shit. That's a little off-color from time to time
Starting point is 00:13:03 We may throw a racial slur in there whatever to give it some flavor, right, you know and People take the ride. They know it's 45 minutes. They know it listen. I want to see John Wick John Wick is not gonna win an Academy Award. He killed 2,000 people in two hours. You walked out of there You don't remember a thing. I don't remember nothing about John Wick 3 I just know he killed a lot of motherfuckers. There was a couple of life scenes and shit like that That's what stand-up comedy is when you go see a R rated comic It's 45 minutes of whatever now. It's the 45 minutes you choose to give Because have you ever sat through 30 minutes of pussy jokes? Oh, yeah, you want to shoot yourself?
Starting point is 00:13:41 Yeah, you know 10 minutes of cock-sucking jokes You want to shoot yourself so if you sprinkle it around and you're dirty and you're you add some wit to it Something that happened in your life. It's not a bad 40. You know Red Fox did it great If you listen to Red Fox either now or that shit did it just Fine, you know, so guys like you and I have a market, but right now out of all the times going through America I would think that the Bible Belt was rough on you guys It was rough, but I noticed the clubs were even Zany's who we performed for the Dorfins for years They had us listed as triple R rated
Starting point is 00:14:14 Triple R rated, which is the first time for us and so we laughed and matter of fact I took the poster from the club because it said triple R rated like fucking across the whole son of a bitch And I go I gotta frame that thing and hang it up in the garage because triple R rated But I think that the clubs are just trying to cover themselves by putting out this disclaimer But it also keeps people away who may Be too salty and can't handle real life shit, you know, so and we weren't worried about any me too shit We we we shot from the holsters We didn't even pull our fucking pistols out when we were in Nashville or Little Rock and especially Clarksville
Starting point is 00:14:49 Those fucking people were riding emus and fucking donkeys and tying them up out front, you know to the to the stable I mean we we performed in some towns Purposely we performed in towns where there's no alcohol, you know, they were so religious and so many Churches, it was a dry. You couldn't go buy a tall can of beer 30 miles for 30 miles. There was only one dry count Yeah, dry count. We didn't even know this existed here in Hollywood We could go get a tall can of some heroin in 650 Yeah, you know, but when we went there there was no CBD Yeah, but there's no alcohol the only place that alcohol was where we performed and before we got there people were hammered
Starting point is 00:15:26 We knew when we walked in we were signing asses the minute we walked in there's pictures on our Facebook People go look at this we were signing asses five minutes when we walked in like they thought rock stars were there I'm like they haven't even seen us yet. They were just there to have a good fucking time So those are the people that wanted to spend their money worked hard all week, you know, they're farmers They you know, there are people that do hard work. These aren't people that just sitting in office They don't even have a fucking Starbucks. They work for Netflix. Yeah, there's none of that shit Yeah, these are people that are digging holes there. They're hard-working folks Walmart and Tyson chicken I guess Tyson's plants there and so Tyson's a big employer there and so is Walmart
Starting point is 00:16:02 Distribution or whatever so but they're hard-working people. They were just there to have a good fucking time We we we feel them out in the first five minutes and we're not all about sex But we just say there's no one that does that what we do, you know But we just tell stories about our childhood that people love to hear, you know Well, it's getting arrested at ten years old You know all this shit for we got arrested at ten for three felony count extortion at ten I mean, that's a pretty good fucking lick at ten years old for prank phone calls. Yeah You know, we almost got away with ten fucking thousand
Starting point is 00:16:29 We had it and then our friend. Hey, it was his turn to go in so he took the fucking hit for us You know, that's what I'm saying if we grow up with you Lee you just now we get out of fucking prison Yeah, for sure, but but the the Bible Belt loved it, you know, we were worried ever, you know Comics were telling us shit at the store and we went down there, but we just did what we do and it was fun How long were you guys gone for that was a ten day run and then the next one is coming up in Florida We're doing Florida for ten days and then we're doing New Mexico and northern California try to do because he has he has two Dollars, we try to do ten fourteen days home for a week Then we just do LA gigs, you know, whatever and then we go for two weeks that way. He's a part of his kids life
Starting point is 00:17:07 You know, so that's important. I don't have kids. I don't give a fuck. You go out there for six months I don't care. I live I don't give a fuck. I love close home. I don't even care That's why him and I fight sometimes because he wants to go make that money and I'm turning down a gig But I can't miss the such-and-such dance or the you know, my two little girls are expecting me to be there and Chad's always making fun of me I paint nails braid hair. I'm a bad motherfucker. You know, I get after it, you know, but when you have a daughter, it's You see it like last night for the first time She came up to me as I was leaving and she wrapped around my leg and said I don't want you to go And I had to talk to her like for a couple fucking minutes and this morning
Starting point is 00:17:47 I got up before she did and I went in my office. I got my cup of coffee. My wife woke up I talked to her for a few minutes. I went back in the office. I went to the fucking outside To hit the bunk and when I came back in my room to the back door, she was on the floor playing with the cat What's going on? What's going on? She's like, no one hang out with you. So I Watched YouTube with and then I went out to get another cup of coffee My wife goes she woke up and she asked if you were awake. What's going on? She's working me in today as I was leaving. She goes, let me carry the bag to the door for you So I looked at it as I was leaving. I go, listen, I don't know what you're working me for
Starting point is 00:18:27 I don't know how much this is going to cost me, but whatever it is. It's worth it Doing a great job Love all that but yet the same stuff that you've experienced same with me and I got a two-year-old and eight-year-old So I missed a lot the first time around because Ralph he had us out like Chad was talking about we there We were just excited and ecstatic that somebody was giving us that opportunity to be gone for six fucking months and literally not Come home like if we did come home It was just for a day or two because Ralph was working Wednesday to Sunday somewhere. So you had Monday Tuesday But we sacrificed a lot during those times so now that things have changed over the past two years now
Starting point is 00:19:06 We're doing it to where we're two weeks out two weeks home and sometimes we do three weeks But I'd rather be home those two weeks and I'm the room dad I go to second grade and give every kid fucking dirty looks like I'll fucking kill every kid here if you fuck with my daughter It gives you a balance. Yeah, it gives you a I'm balanced right now Yeah, I do a little writing you work out a little bit you do a podcast you go to the store You go to a fucking the martial arts class with your daughter You go to Menchie's I went to a recital today at 1230 at the church, right? You know, there's always something to do do I wish that I
Starting point is 00:19:43 Could go on the road like a renegade for a Two-month tour. I would love something like that now It sucks to take a plane and come back and take that plane and come back. It really does and Because I shot that movie. I was gone for 18 days It was a little too long from what I expected, but When the movie comes out next September, I'm gonna do a Wednesday through the next week tour Do like nothing shows in 10 days and come back and rest for 10 days, right go back out. Sure Do 10 days because those plane tickets are getting expensive. Oh, man. You just got a bang out as many gigs
Starting point is 00:20:22 In between those plane tickets if not, you know when you figure that plane ticket out and figure it out in your payments for every night You're like, okay, the plane ticket cost me $28 a night for me to do it. That's crazy. You said that's exactly what we do That's how you have to think about it. You're a CEO of a business Yep, there comes a time in comedy where the open mic and that one level is done There's that one medium level that you're you stay in it's a limbo. It's a comedy limbo You're featuring for people you're getting paid. Well, you're doing a good job But you're also headlining some gigs and some people are telling you to your face You can't work my club till you get a credit and other people's enjoy that you sell tickets
Starting point is 00:21:05 And you know, it's a lower-end club or whatever, right? So you're going back and forth You need that one thing to push you over the cliff You need that just that one thing to push you over the cliff and we sit there and wait and then you go wait a second There's only one person who pushed me over the cliff. It's me if I want to take the jump So how do I get to that next level and that's what you guys are starting right now, right? Yeah, book me for one night and let me prove my worth Give me 70% of the doll whatever the fuck you want to give me and let me come into your room Some nights you're gonna take a bump. Yeah, some nights you're gonna take a hit
Starting point is 00:21:39 But if you go out eight nights six out eight nights, you're gonna do well. That's four fucking winners Yeah, you know your balance that out, you know, you sell some t-shirts and you know, three of the clubs will ask you back Three of them will next time Now and you expected that right as long as you know in going statistics Life is numbers, you know when that movie came out with Brad Pitt and The kid who was picking baseball. Oh, yeah, I couldn't figure out. It's the same money ball. Yeah, it's the same for comedy You know, you want to become an MC. You had to do 1200 sets And then after you you do 1200 sets. That's why you write down your sets. That's 300 sets a month
Starting point is 00:22:19 Times 10, you know, whatever you you're in the fucking game, right? And then to become a feature is another 8,000 fucking sets. That's three years of fucking, you know, you're a blue belt in jiu-jitsu You're a blue belt in jiu-jitsu, right now You start headlining at the brown belt and black belt level you've got all this experience on the about but you're a funny guy But now you gotta you gotta learn how to monetize that. That's what you said exactly where we figured it out to the rental car To the gas we know exactly how you said 28 just off the top for us. It's two flights two round trip flights Oregon paid as whatever one headliner gets we're splitting it. So there's just like you said We have to do those eight days like that because we're already losing money on the first four nights
Starting point is 00:23:01 Then we start making the money and we haven't figured out exactly like we know how many people are there We can look out and go. We know exactly how much we wait We don't even need to talk to the guy at the end of the night We already know like we have it down to a science like you just said and at first we didn't do that I'll be totally honest. We were just there. We get our free wings and our bullshit. Nobody's there for that But now we know now we know we have to fucking sell seats. There's a there's a transition between art and business And we dread it. It's the dreaded part of the business When you have to start making money, it's the dreaded part of the business you put in your time
Starting point is 00:23:35 You booked a couple things you've worked with some pretty heavy headliners. You already know your way around Your level goes up a little bit not a lot. I still remember living in LA And getting 600 a week to do new years Like sarah and I didn't give me an extra fucking dime for new years, you know And I knew she had an extra 10 000 a fucking budget, right? But you're just happy to work. Yeah, she gave you two weeks of the shot That's 1200 You didn't have to go no way enough to pay for a hotel room. You can steal food from the club and alcohol Yeah, you know you you have it all down you have it all down
Starting point is 00:24:09 1200 I could send three away threes for a plane ticket. Yeah I still walk with the you know, it's it's uh, it's a numbers game real quick in your head It's got to be quick in your head because they tell you you're right there on the spot. You're like, uh Boom It's gonna work out. I'll make it work. Yeah, we'll sell shirts. We always say we'll sell merch and what kills you now Is the flights? Yeah, see 10 years ago. It was 200 to go anywhere. Yeah, like I still remember going 50 yards before you go to departing flights
Starting point is 00:24:39 it's a it's a uh Jersey mikes now right on century boulevard If you're on a century before you go on departing flights, look to your right. You'll see Jersey mikes that whole area in there was called quick ticks quick picks You call them they got you the ticket and you had to stop there take a number and wait for them to call your number You pay them 200 and they sent you anywhere in the country. That's when I used to catch fall outs I was a beginning
Starting point is 00:25:08 Feature headliner and you know, they call you tuesday. You got to be there wednesday morning. Right. They call you tuesday at two That's a thousand dollar ticket anyway, but if you call them They put you on a flight for 200 180. You didn't get no points. It was the back of the flight. You had to connect 18 times You know, you were on southwest light. Ah, you had to start an LA go up to san francisco pick up three chinese guys Stop in vegas drop them off go to tempi go back to new mexico shoot the texas Pick up some savages there drop them off You might as well go to new orleans cotrinage is it? Yeah, and then you got to go to west palm But they take it to miami first
Starting point is 00:25:47 Yeah, then to pick up the sound and then go up to west palm right You're i remember being on a plane one time that left miami at ten in the morning and I got the Vegas at midnight my luggage was drenched Like it had been through hell. We had four stops Oh, southwest Like miami or jacksonville jacksonville new orleans new orleans to houston houston vegas. Oh They quit doing those red eyes. We used to take one out of burbank southwest used to do these red eyes You leave at 1045 then you get to atlanta or something and then you take one more like we're going to florida and we finally
Starting point is 00:26:25 You know the the airlines just aren't doing those late night Overnights anymore for cheap. You'd get a here to atlanta for 300 250 bucks not anymore Yeah, that's for us to go to we're doing west palm in july We paid 1400 in round trip flights 700 each so you know what that's the back of the plane Yeah, oh, yeah, we're not even sitting together. We're not even southwest. I have Middle seat delta and he does too. We're 230 pounds. It's not going to be a good time You know, but we're just happy to have the gig Eat yeah, yeah
Starting point is 00:26:56 That's no rental car our rental car is 400 So we're 2100 in the hole before we even do one gig there. So you know what I'm saying? So it's like fuck So we don't give a shit. I'm gonna we're both fucking single. We're on the road. It's gonna be a good time My wife is going national with the baby. I put her ass on southwest. Yeah What they want? I don't even want to repeat what american airlines wanted for a coach seat In the one behind first class what gives you more like Yeah with the baby or whatever
Starting point is 00:27:28 I don't even want to tell you what that ticket was to nashville. Wow And for that one ticket my wife got three tickets on southwest Direct flight out of burbank Burbank not going burbank just started going to nashville houston And somewhere else direct Holy shit direct is important. I hate to take southwest is great for two hours I have no qualms with southwest. I'm a rapid reward. Let's test their fucking always on time their money
Starting point is 00:27:58 Five hours southwest. You but I have a fucking chiropractor Doctor waiting for you to untwist your spine Because you can't even fit put your computer your ipad You got to bring your own food because those peanuts you don't fucking kill you. There's no food not even an apple It's a long I made the mistake one time. They have a direct life from here to pittsburgh. Oh, yeah I think I took a connector one time to save a few hundred to go to buffalo. Oh my god That was the longest fucking day of my life on connecting flight six hours on southwest Which is now nine
Starting point is 00:28:34 Oh, and you're walking through chicago airport for two hours. Yeah, it's huge friend. Yeah, you have no fucking It's a workout. I consider it fly day now workout We'll do a lot of work out there. Yeah, usually when I look at my speedometer weight watch as I've walked 12 points I got to walk to hollywood back to sherman oaks to get 12 fucking points And I get them when I fly I'm like, Jesus Christ. You get to the hotel room and then you're like, I'm fucking wiped Yep, like your body is fucking wiped out and people don't get it like, oh, yeah Come meet us at the bar. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, I've just been on a six hour fucking flight sitting there Breathing fucking this air from 19 different arab countries and god knows what else. Yeah, bird flu
Starting point is 00:29:18 It's fucking horrible. Oh, you know We're in Vegas when they put you in the back of the hotel. What do you mean? Like your room is usually like a way at the end of the hole. Oh, yeah Yeah, I hate that shit too. And you got to fucking walk two miles to get a cup of coffee You got to go down and get everything you need that one shot rolling papers Everything smoke a joint cookies fucking I don't mind the what I don't mind any of that shit. It's all part of the game, you know That hole when when I get on a plane
Starting point is 00:29:48 I get a little bit anxiety when I'm taking a shower to go on the road. I'm going to leave my family I'm about to leave the girls Once that uber comes guys It's game face. Yeah, it's game face. It's business. I'm lax. I'm all business my heads up. It's on the swivel I'm looking for ices. I get through my fucking clear. I get through there. I give it enough time now, you know 15 years ago, I would miss more flights than anybody because I would challenge the system We got to be there at one. Fuck this. I'll sneak on. You're not going to sneak on They're not going to let you on they're not going to fucking play with you
Starting point is 00:30:23 They don't fuck with you no more now. You got to wait there and stand in the line. They don't care about excuses And I started getting there two hours earlier. I got a fly next week five o'clock in the afternoon I'll be there at 3 30. Oh, yeah Why not? We we messed around a couple weeks ago and and tsa caught us up and they pulled my brother to the side and they asked him if Has he handled explosives and I was kidding. Okay. I don't know why But she says have you handled explosives today and I go just this dick
Starting point is 00:30:55 Let me tell you what happened. They fucking stripped me to my underwear in another room And I had to show the guy I had nothing They put these little swabs on your hands put them in a fucking machine And I said I would never ever ever joke again. I was totally listen. You work part of your job is flying Yeah, and driving that means you can't drink and drive. No and do not Raise your voice and you know Ralphie may was banned from delta. Yeah. Yeah for lifetime banned from delta for kicking the counter Because Ralphie got there a half hour before the flight and he thought he was Ralphie may and hot shit That they were gonna let him on the fly and he had any lost money. Yeah, he had to cancel the show
Starting point is 00:31:36 He kicked the fucking thing. They scored him out. They called the cops It's not when it comes to flying shot your fucking mouth. Yep. I learned my lesson. I apologize to nothing to them Nothing. I am prepared. I fly with sweats on. Yep with a fucking t-shirt. I'm prepared. I don't want to take off a belt Nothing. I got nice socks on. I have the anti-fungal in my shoe I have a bag in the fucking sleep apnea bag with everything. I wipe down the counter. I fly professionally I don't even talk to the guy sitting next to me. We don't either. I don't start a conversation with nobody I got earphones on I look straight ahead And I have had tons of problems at airport. Tom Segoury. We were talking about that a few weeks ago
Starting point is 00:32:18 I used to have tons of problems at airports that today They will not tolerate. Yeah today's market in an airport. They will throw you out of there quickly and shit Oh, yeah, same with being drunk. We really don't drink too much But uh, you know, you see people getting shitty in those bars. They'll turn you away too. They don't want to deal with your Do they really? Yeah, we this lady tried to get on and her she drank so much wine her uh, her lips were fucking purple So much fucking wine looks like she's been sucking off a hundred right now Her lips purple and she's saying she's not drunk and I'm like you're holding up the fucking line Like hurry the fuck up. They write off the plane
Starting point is 00:32:52 They she they did not let her board the plane because I think they're worried about them going fucking crazy in the air You know, how long have you guys been doing comedy for now? Uh, 16 years. It was this April. Yeah How does it feel to be starting kind of over again on your own? Yeah, well, it humbled us actually like It I guess humble It no it humbled it knocked us down a bunch of pegs to where when we didn't have anything on the books for like Seven eight months like literally I mean we had our show in Ontario But that we mean weekend work and then it was tough because like trying to call clubs and like we just struggled
Starting point is 00:33:25 So for six months ten months after Ralph he passed maybe a little a year maybe it was we're just now Picking up work and it feels like we're okay, but that first six months ten months a year Well, I had to get a job as a fucking bouncer at a bar. I mean I haven't had a I haven't had a day job since 2006 And about a year and a half go I had to get a job as a bouncer at a bar I mean that was so humbling to go from making money every weekend to checking fucking ID and getting recognized like Didn't I see you on Showtime with dice clay and I'm like, yeah, give me your ID, motherfucker Yeah, you know what I mean it humbled me But all they did really for us is make us hungrier come up with more material and don't stop because I didn't we didn't waste 16 years of our
Starting point is 00:34:03 Fucking life everybody waits for the blue brother happiness to kick the door down and take you up a level That's never gonna happen Unless you kick the level up yourself. I knew as a young comic. I had seen something when I first started I had seen comics that come out here and there's nothing wrong with what I'm about to say They latch onto a headliner and they think their problems are saved it's a godsend and uh Paying the ass at the same time. Yeah, it's good and bad because you have to learn how to treat it
Starting point is 00:34:37 I don't ever want to call you and you're like, hold on. I'm ready for the dates That makes me look like you're not doing the work Right I want to call you and for me to go I got three weeks for you for you to go I could take two of those weeks to one week. I'm a mississippi now you've Gained my respect right now you've gained my re you're like, oh Okay, it's that type of fucking party. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, and I told this to Martin Moreno Five years before the
Starting point is 00:35:05 The thing right there was somebody else. I told this two years ago and they then listened to me that I want you to find different people to take you on the road like I take different people on the road I don't have one guy. I take different people. I keep my eyes open. I'm watching on facebook I'm watching who's tweeting. I'm watching who's taking pictures at some shitty fucking comedy club and elco nevada You know, I know what it takes to get to elco. You can't fly first class to elco There's only one way to get there. You're fucking little fucking minivan. Yeah, you know, I'm watching I know the people around me. I have friends that actually are struggling to pay rent because they took that chance They said no more day job
Starting point is 00:35:46 We're gonna commit our lives to fucking comedy that requires a certain type of respect It requires a certain billy goat stomach because Fuck on the first everybody's equal today. You mean you're all equal. We're all equal Right, we got a whole month to cover and I always say that on the first we're all equal Right. Nobody's got a dime in the bank. You start from scratch. That's it and it's weird when You have the week of the tenth book and the week of the 18th So you got your car payment and you got your student loan and groceries
Starting point is 00:36:20 But that week of the 28th is looking kind of bleak And you don't panic. You don't rob a gas station You you really don't because I've lived through it I could tell you a thousand times We're on the 25th You have no idea How you're gonna pay rent and it's due on the first but you really got to the fifth The rent is due on the first yeah, but motherfuckers to the struggling
Starting point is 00:36:52 Ain't got a problem with paying you rent on the fifth. Yeah, and we'll give it to you at 8 a.m On the fifth. That's when they're on the fifth, but you're never gonna get it from us on a Saturday We'll walk it in before that We'll walk it in but so I've been in positions and we all have yeah, well, you're sitting there and Man, you're not suicidal. You're just like I'm gonna have to call my uncle borrow 800. Yep You know, I don't know how I'm gonna do this. I could borrow two from Lee So I have to borrow the whole eighth of my brother right I could borrow six And that's what's needed to pay the rent
Starting point is 00:37:26 And that's what we did we got in the trenches and we started booking and we took a bunch of one-niners We kept our regular weekends that we had which we had when Ralphie was alive You know six seven eight weekends three four day runs But we picked up a lot of one-nighters and and it worked out for us at first We were like, you know what we may not make money But it was like like you said just going in there doing the one-nighter If we got five one-nighters at five different clubs if we get three callbacks out of the five And get a weekend out of that then to us it was worth fucking losing 300 bucks because of the connection for 2020
Starting point is 00:38:00 We're worried about 2020 right now. Yeah, but if this really you're working for the next one We really are you right? I mean we literally left the dirty show at Ontario 10 o'clock at night Flikes were too much. We drove 22 hours straight to Richland Washington to play jokers club. We drove through the sierras in a fucking snowstorm With no sleeping. We just both stayed awake the whole time to save money on the flight But the point is we did it just to get that weekend to keep the weekend So we'd get another weekend for 2020. That's how we're we're visiting now. Whatever we got to do to make sure next year We made more money than we did this year. That's all we give a shit about like we'll do whatever it takes
Starting point is 00:38:39 20 because I'm lining up 2020. Yeah, you know, like I'm lining it up in my mind. I got a movie coming out in september Where do I want to go before that? Where do I want to go after that? Right? What else comes out? What can I put around that to make that explosion bigger? Right? This is all planning like yeah, it's 2019 But I'm thinking about when that's a part of movie comes out. What can I sprinkle around it? Do I come out with a book? Do I come out with a documentary slash? Stand-up type thing, you know, the special thing has really gone away If you make a special now with a fucking camera from a comedy club and put it on youtube You're still gonna get tons of love right the fact you got you might get might love you might get more love and respect, you know
Starting point is 00:39:22 Yeah It's so funny how things have changed that you could create your own hype now You don't need mbc to create your hype a montreal could create your hype I admire you guys because You didn't give up, you know, I see you pounding that fucking ontario show like motherfuckers. Yeah, and uh this is It's it's a lesson that you learned. I know that You I knew you guys would make it through after I spoke to you. I saw the change in your social media
Starting point is 00:39:53 Yeah, yeah, and how you were approaching things and it's just it's an approach and not giving up not giving up to the enemy Hey, man, I had tons of fucking dry storms You have it's peaks and valleys anybody who knows anything about life It's peaks and valleys and it's how to deal with it when you're in the valley, right? The peaks will come depending and everybody goes to the valley at one time And you gotta look at yourself in the mirror and go I could take the easy route and end up back here I could take the easy route and end up back here
Starting point is 00:40:24 I could get a little fucking something for a few months, but I'm gonna end up here. Let me take the hard route Get it over with And I'll never be in this fucking position again. That's word for fucking word what we're doing right now Like we're we're we're we're taking gigs that we we haven't done in years But we're for for two reasons we're writing material We've been in a writing material phase for the past six eight months where we're not doing the same set Even when we were on tour we purposely were trying to do two different 45 minute sets because we're out of that 90 minutes will probably have a 45 minutes 40 minutes
Starting point is 00:40:59 You know I mean so we're weeding stuff out and we weren't worried about it in the bible belt because fuck some of these people Don't even have internet or tv and they told us this is their first live show They've ever seen like these are people that had one stoplight in their fucking town So they were just excited. There was an entertaining show in our fucking town tonight like it was amazing So we didn't care about on our side. Hey, we're gonna throw shit out there. They're just happy to be here So it worked out for us. It was like the greatest gym We could ever go to and we booked the whole tour like that places that the comedy club wouldn't book us We looked up the biggest rock venue the biggest
Starting point is 00:41:32 Country it was a lot of country saloons So we're going through alabama later in september october in towns where probably comedy's not done But we're going in there and ticket sales are medium right now, but we'll punch it up before the September the summer's not even here nobody's even thinking about September go shoot yourself. Yeah, yeah We're thinking about fucking june and getting your dick. That's right. Yeah Going to the beach jumping up and down nobody's worried about September right now, especially right now Yeah, let's go coming out. Yeah kids don't even want to hear the words No, but we're been multi multitasking like that and it's been good and and uh, it made us hungrier
Starting point is 00:42:07 You know after we had our little hangout with you and you inspired us and chat And I just sat down for literally a week and just wrote down notes and notes. What can we do to attack 2019? We did we attack 2019 We got about 25 cities that were hitting this year And but we also did something different that no comic that we know has ever done we started thinking how can we make money? Without performing So we went to a local brewery where we live and we came out with our own IPA all these new beers. It's a big popular thing
Starting point is 00:42:37 We have our and the name of our tour is the two-headed monster tour. So we this guy created our own beer It's bottled called the two-headed monster IPA. It sold at ontario improv brea improv and we and we're selling beer We're not even fucking there our picture is on the fucking tables and we're not even fucking there Like no one else thought of that shit. We beat you to the punch. Yeah, we got we stick them up kid. We're here first So that's what we're doing and and and we're selling our own beer the video comes down and it's a commercial of us I mean, that's fucking great and no one else was doing it. So that's why we sold ourselves We got to do something different. No one wants to give us a chance since no nobody's gonna get you up to a We're taking it. You have to assume in this life that nobody's gonna give you. Yeah
Starting point is 00:43:18 You have to assume you have to go. You know what people gonna throw shade on me You know dan from brea was great to me mitzy short. Yeah Jan from the ice house the other guy from the ice house bob, right? They were good to me everybody else was According to your credits and I know who those people are and today I treat them a certain way and if they want to give me money I'll take it. I'm not going to be a hypocrite. It's forgotten about but I know who you know who's there in the beginning it's weird because When I went home I sat across from people a couple nights at different dinners
Starting point is 00:43:50 And while I was eating dinner with them, I looked at them and I go these people were my friend before I ever sold the ticket These people were my friends before I even thought about comedy these people were my friends when They were getting abused for being my friends Like they were getting abused for fucking hanging out with a junkie who just robbed their friend's house and all this shit And it made me think of a story I told on one of the Ari shows about my mother had a friend as a writer and they were always tight for years and
Starting point is 00:44:19 My mother had a couple different friends. I didn't you know, I paid attention to him I like I liked her because she always gave me 50 bucks and You know and she always did coke in front of me and I like that as a kid She did coke anywhere church in a restaurant and a hotel on the beach She would just do a blast just to see get a reaction on it and you don't be like and I would just like what the fuck Yeah, but she really came through My mother's last two years on this planet My mother was struggling and now she started she was a drug dealer in Manhattan
Starting point is 00:44:52 She had her own little spot in Spanish Harlem and she made millions and she started coming over to Jersey at night I didn't really know what was going on. They weren't lesbians or nothing But they were just dear friends She was sleeping on the couch and they would go to the track together and then one day my mother died And you know in reality, my mother had a brother my mother had an ex-husband She was the first person I called and she came over and set up the funeral We went and identified the body together and She picked out a dress for her and then
Starting point is 00:45:22 It was her against my stepdad and she knew my stepdad had shot people had been a criminal She didn't give a fuck. She took control of the wake. She started throwing people out of the wake She choked the fucking funeral director for putting the wrong dress on my mother off I mean, it was fucking classic But then she did something that went the ordinary She made a promise at the wake that she would take care of me And I was like, you know, this is why That my mother's wake taught me a lot about life. That's why you never see me at
Starting point is 00:45:53 Funerals. Yeah, because I can't deal with them because in my heart I want to go up to people and go, you know what Ralphie didn't like you and you didn't like him Get out of here. You didn't like Ralphie either. You accused him of doing this. Get the fuck out of here You you got to go too. I'm one of those people So before I go and start throwing people out and calling people starting a fistfight I don't go to those things because I it goes back to my mother's funeral. I lived it I lived people who said to me if you need something call and after my mother died, they changed their phone number But Zorida
Starting point is 00:46:24 Was my mother's friend. She would she would come over and give me $200 every sunday And she'd bring me over a nickel bag And if I was in a rut, I would go into the city and she'd give me cash Then I started getting blow from her and then it went sideways And one day I stopped talking to her one thing that she did was She called out my dad on the On the uh the headstone
Starting point is 00:46:49 She called my dad personally and said what's going on with the headstone And he goes, well, we have to let it sit Let the concrete settle the the ground settle and she's like old school cuban She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You got 30 fucking days to go then put a headstone down there 60 days came I stepped that never did it She took a yellow cab from spanish Harlem and went to his business and got out of the cab and started calling him a cunt He didn't even have the decency to buy her a headstone So it she went and bought a headstone and put from your son
Starting point is 00:47:25 And your best friend your sister and she put the headstone on I always remember that story When you called me three four months ago And told me that Ralphie didn't have a headstone I wanted to kill myself because I had forgotten about my situation with my mother Like I never even thought about a fucking headstone. Yeah, I don't know if you guys understand How bad I felt for a week or two after that like I wanted to Go to anybody Ralphie helped and just put a bullet in their fucking head
Starting point is 00:47:56 Including his management all the people who took money out of his pocket his agents All these so-called helpers and whatever like I was fucking angry Like and I was angry at myself I was angry at myself because I never asked I don't want any connection with his wife at all Like I I saw what he went through before he passed and From heaven or hell or purgatory or arby's
Starting point is 00:48:24 And he's looking down I don't ever want him to think I crossed him and talked to that woman You know she when she was looking for money for the documentary I pretty much shut her down because I knew exactly what she was going through She wasn't doing that to honor his memory Right, she was doing that to put 250 in her pocket from netflix or so she thought right which is why you put a special together So when I heard that they were putting a special together And nobody even thought about a fucking headstone
Starting point is 00:48:54 I was just blown away. Well, we didn't know either till uh, I asked some family members. I go. Hey, send me uh A picture of the headstone. I'd love to I don't know why I wanted to see it But I'd love to see it I said, you know, and everyone's like everyone kept saying no, we don't have one yet Well a year went by a year and some change went by and I his birthday certain days We were like, hey, you know the facebook memory would pop up and we're in so-and-so town with them So it always every day we think about it and we'd call each other and then and then there was a little piece of plastic And it just said Ralphie man like a little like a laminated grade school kid thing on a stick
Starting point is 00:49:31 You know, and I was like, we can't have this, you know, this is like he's helped us. There's no way There's no way and and we went there brother after you and I talked and all that and and he has a beautiful headstone now And we uh, we smoked a couple fucking joints and left one for him I even joked with him. I go, all right, Ralphie this fucking Mexican gardener is going to steal this joint But it's for you brother. This thanks for you. Yeah, we and we put solar lights on it So it lights up at night and shit. Yeah, but we had a good time like we just smoked We went by there every day every day. We were in arkansas for five days We went twice a day to his grave and and pulled the weeds around it and shit and just made it presentable because
Starting point is 00:50:08 Ralphie was like you we consider you. You're not a comedy Co-worker you're a brother to my brother and I you've always been there even in the trenches You know 15 fucking years ago when we met you so You're in a different category like Ralphie is to us and so we stopped by there and it was great You know, we went by Ralphie's high school his elementary his house where he grew up His family members were there, but no one ever said anything about the gravestone just appearing there I mean, there's a gravestone there and no one no one's ever said anything since and we don't need credit and we're not looking You know, I know you're not no one that's not what it's about
Starting point is 00:50:45 But we just wished someone out of all the people that he's helped and I'm out We're not going to blast anyone here But he's helped out comics that are doing well and we just wish that someone would have reached out and said Hey, what are we doing about big boys grave? Like what what are we going to do with them? I know he was buried with his dog You know out, you know, his dog's at you know, his dog that he had a hoochie mama You know and and his grave's awesome. You know, he deserves a little place for if anyone wants to go see him There should be a fucking tombstone with his fucking name on it. That's all we cared about
Starting point is 00:51:14 We don't know. We don't care why it didn't happen. We're just glad it's fucking it's done now That's it. Well, I just want to tell you that I went back home and I Thought about how shitty the people were around me like The industry we work at it's just a shit storm, you know, the other day I'm sitting at the comedy store stone to the gills why laugh at my asshole Right watching Ron White And this kid walks in that I barely know
Starting point is 00:51:43 sits next to me Hits me in the side and goes hey, who are you taking to charlotte with you? And I just looked at him And I just kept looking the fucking Ron White like I just didn't even say nothing Yeah, because we live in a garbage city Yeah, he if he would have said how are you? How have you been? I wouldn't talk to him but for him to go hey Are you taking somebody to charlotte with you? Not even a fucking hello?
Starting point is 00:52:13 Like that's to show you the animal of people that we have in this town You're nothing to these people But I mean not even a how are you if you would have said how's your wife? How's your daughter? Hey, is anybody going to show him? Let me check it. Let me see what's going on But just the way he hit me with his elbow and he goes who you taking to charlotte with it We are surrounded by garbage So when you guys called me and said that to me It took me three
Starting point is 00:52:41 Two weeks to process it like I do everything else because I'm half retarded And I'm really lucky that Ralphie had you guys in his life I'm very fortunate that he had you guys in his life. He you know, I always say that Ralphie Brody These people never really knew how much people love them. I mean, yeah fans loved Ralphie. He was funny But I don't know if Ralphie knew the intensity of our love fan Right. He doesn't know how much I really miss him when I go to new york, george. He picks me up Georgie won't shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah, we know We know we know we get into our conversations about Ralphie, you know it hit him hard
Starting point is 00:53:23 It's hit me hard I'm sure it fucked with you in more ways than one people fucked with you Oh, yeah, people have seen you and drawn that conclusion around whatever and that's what happens after somebody dies Hey after belushi died Richard De Niro and and robin Williams were in the room supposedly they didn't get work for a year Right. You just got the stink of death on you. Yeah, there's nothing you could do And you guys didn't lay down
Starting point is 00:53:50 plus You did Something that these fucking Gentiles know nothing about right you cared for somebody's honor after they fucking died Which most people forget again, remember when Marilyn Martinez died? I had 20 people come up to me. I must they love Marilyn There's a certain comic that was at the wake when you're at somebody's wake Because that was a wake I went I was going to a fist fight with jeff aldeas and shit
Starting point is 00:54:17 tremendous they wrote about it in the paper But when you're in a wake and then you go to the cemetery There's always one or two people because of your love for that person who passed away You'll have a bond forever And I don't have to talk to you about Ralphie every fucking time I see you But guess what there's gonna be one night when you're feeling down I'm gonna hit yin go You think about Ralphie today, and it's gonna bring a smile to your face. You bombed this might bring a smiley
Starting point is 00:54:46 At the wedding this fucking animal At the wedding at the funeral, you know, how am I gonna live without maryland? You know the typical hollywood shit and I bought it even after knowing how these people are animals Yeah And not once has she ever come up to me and mentioned maryland again And about a year ago she came up to me. I want to be on your part. Get the fuck out of here You never come up to me and said do you think about maryland ever There's people that still call me though. You think about your mother ever from time to time. Yeah, I do man
Starting point is 00:55:17 Thank you for giving a shit right, you know, thank you for giving a shit And I want to take you guys on the podcast And tell you publicly that your mom's and your dad's did a great job with you You guys are real gentlemen and characters what you do when nobody's watching You guys didn't make us think about that. You called me. We went havesies So everybody was happy everybody felt like we contributed to Ralphie, you know, like we Helped them out and shame on the people Like I know Ralphie gave a lot of people 20s
Starting point is 00:55:49 I mean I was thinking about this the other day before you guys came I still remember having surgery And I have what 10 million there friends now one person called Only one person called Ralphie and he goes hey nigga Yeah, of course he down stairs And I'm down walking down with my fucking bandage around my neck and stitches and I'm bleeding from doing blow And he handed me a thousand bucks and 20s that looked like it went through 10 crack access And I remember crying on the elevator on the way I'm going Jesus Christ. I didn't even ask him funny thing You know who paid for my daughter's crib
Starting point is 00:56:27 Brown Ralphie You know who bought me that sharper image speaker right there. That's from last comic standing from the money right there Yes, Chad's got his barbecue. I had a barbecue. He called me and says I got you a barbecue come get it I didn't call he called me and said drive to Hollywood I got all of the stuff he got from celebrity fit club when he he won all this bullshit He goes hey come get this shit or I'm throwing it in the trash and to him it was shit But to us this barbecue and exercise. I don't always had the bicycle Remember you had the dummy that you could punch. Yeah, we all that's at our house. I asked him once I go
Starting point is 00:56:57 Would you do a yay this arms? Yeah, I had no arms. Yeah shit. I go. That's your that's your eating part I got somebody to talk to when you eat Yeah, go fuck yourself. I don't eat ring things any shit. Yeah, but it was you know The thing is we always think about them and that's I think it's important now that there's a grave there and uh Stone people can can stop by Clarksville, Arkansas and say hello to Ralphie because he meant a lot to a lot of people And and if no one visits them uh friends and all the people that we know who should visit them That's fine. We we stopped by and we're always going to stop by Arkansas at least once a year And you can start with abortion in Arkansas. Oh, yeah, so go on down
Starting point is 00:57:33 Make a trip of it. Yeah, make a trip of it. You know again get the hang of And go see fucking Ralph go see Ralph get a kid sucked out. It's a good I'm happy you guys did what you did and I'm happy that Ralphie had friends in your account because that's you so you know, I remember going up there Maybe one of his last barbecues. Yeah. Yeah and I was disgusted by the people
Starting point is 00:58:02 that were up there I was disgusted I remember sitting at the table and I wouldn't go outside. There was thousands shut. Oh, yeah, I remember He shut the street down. I asked him I go, you don't even like a word for what he said go you can say say I said Ralphie I go you don't like Any of those motherfuckers outside and you're catering. He had a guy making hydrogen ice cream and I remember the ponies And he goes uh, he goes look around these are all people because I live in the hollywood hills He's all if this was 10 years ago. He said you us there'd be a couple other people
Starting point is 00:58:36 Jeff Ross there's a couple other people we would break bread with he goes This is all show and tell the same for me And I we didn't understand that on the whole way home down that fucking hill We talked about it. Now we know what he meant now We know after he passed away what he meant These are all people that are in his life because he was famous and famous and and they're not those aren't people that You know went to his funeral. Those aren't people that would go to arkansas for him You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:59:00 Look at the people that went to the funeral and got on stage and sang and Oh, I'll fucking a magician at the end of the night to lit fire. Get out. Yeah, you know I said that I hit my brother. I go Ralphie would fucking hate a magician. He popped up from the grave And so get that motherfucker God damn he burned something and it was a picture of Ralphie. I don't even know I rubbed his box I go goddamn you had david copperfield here that said good night to you God it was horrible. That was fucking terrible. Yeah magician Where you have a website?
Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah, uh, it's identical entertainment.com and twitter so all social media is quarry n chat c o r y n c h a And what's the website identical entertainment? I got it and your tour dates are on there. Yeah our tour dates are on there And when is the tour end? Uh, we're hoping never We're hoping never but uh with two-headed monster tours going all the way into 2020 That's that's the tour and um this month We're in sacramento at the punchline and we're at uh, we're in new mexico and florida
Starting point is 01:00:04 In july west palm. Yeah, if you're listening west palm come out. We were we want to party in that town That's a good town west bomb florida. We had a good time with Ralphie there Uh, so we're looking forward to going back to some of the spots, you know, so we're really looking forward to I just want to tell you guys that this whole thing that you guys did really touch me it takes a lot To touch a fucking savage like me's heart. It made me think a lot It made me think about where I was slipping as a friend at times to people, you know I didn't bring you on the show to promote your dates I wanted to let people know that you guys are a real fucking deal
Starting point is 01:00:40 We appreciate that they want to come and watch the show. That's their fucking business Before you go on and see some guy on twitter that fucking jumps up and down and says what you want to hear Go see these guys. I got a heart of fucking gold and They stand up for what they believe and what they say they do like I said that was You might as well have gotten caught with a kilo that was mine and not mentioned my name because That's what you guys did by just letting me know opening my eyes And I even called people who were with his manager and said hey, man Just to let you know Ralphie didn't have a fucking gravestone
Starting point is 01:01:18 So before you write those fucking animals another commission Think about it. They don't really give a fuck about you at all, right? You're a piece of meat to these people and it's As long as you go in knowing that in this comedy life or entertainment life or Whatever you do, you're a piece of meat to these people, especially when you provide money into somebody's pocket You're a piece of meat. You become a piece of meat as long as you know this going in your feelings won't get hurt later Don't come to me later and go they treat me like me Well, I tell you ten years ago
Starting point is 01:01:50 You're a piece of meat. Yeah as long as you know that and guess what once you stop selling tickets They replace you and they tell you some story why you're not selling tickets and how it's your fault Yeah, because you said hindu on the radio. Yeah, I know you're too dirty That's all bullshit And you as a comic have to go back to the drawing board. They're not coming to see you. Well, right better fucking jokes Right, you're not selling shirts making different fucking design and talk about them, you know We fall Like a basically sometimes and then we wonder what the fuck is going on. I'll tell you what the fuck's going on
Starting point is 01:02:22 You're not running on both fucking jets, right? You you want something and you're not fucking putting in the aggravation for it They're not just going to give it to you anymore. This is look at the comedy store When I got here, you call the comedy store. I want to showcase Do you have a reference? Yeah, Cory and Chad. Okay We'll call you back when the date comes up call the comedy store now. Who's your manager? He's not big enough Yeah, call us when you got fucking three yards to teach you about stitch. Who's your agent? I got a Uh Party house. No fucking good. You gotta call me when you got icm
Starting point is 01:02:54 Then you got icm. What do they tell you? No bueno. Yeah, all this when you got a pa. Yeah, so it's uh, it's a fucking hand job What funny can't be stopped Yeah, always remember that funny can't be stopped even if they bang in the you're banned from the improv that don't do They banned Doug Stanhope. Yeah, look at them. They banned Doug Stanhope 10 years ago the funny bonus was for calling the guy a nazi midget. Well, guess what? Stanhope is still around that guy's booking ships. So suck my dick and call me shorty. Yeah, I was born in 1940 What's the name of the website? Identical entertainment.com. Well, man, I'm happy you motherfuckers. Cory and Chad check them out identical. I and like I said to you
Starting point is 01:03:35 Guys, we're not talking about Comics here. There's a lot of funny fucking comics out there We compete with all of them, but as far as heart and balls are concerned You can't compete with these two fucking savages. So do yourself a favor this summer And go watch the fucking two headed monster tour Get some fucking quailudes get your asshole sucked And do the best you can what's the name of it again identical entertainment.com and hey sucking asshole Yeah, I mean that that would make chat Saturday. So come on out. Come on down. Bring the peanut butter, bitch
Starting point is 01:04:08 Bring the peanut butter and the dental floss Before anything do not forget. There's just a few tickets left for the film war friday in new orleans and there's a couple tickets left for the For the tabernacle theater in atlanta columbus, ohio. I got nothing but tickets I'll see you motherfuckers june 28 and 29 But before we go a word from our sponsor, let me talk to you people about something. Do you ever heard a company call hymns? It's a wellness brand for men. I mean you've heard us talk about hymns But if you haven't get on board and stop struggling with the number one problem today, which is sexual performance issues
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Starting point is 01:11:28 Cori and chat. I love you motherfuckers. Kill them on the road. Thank you. Kick this fucking meal league Open that door before I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I I
Starting point is 01:12:12 Somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company See Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if the puzzle fits
Starting point is 01:12:59 So fine And That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there a plodden From a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you Oh
Starting point is 01:13:39 You

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