Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #691 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: June 11, 2019

Josh Wolf, stand up comedian and co host of the "Prinze and the Wolf" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 

So it's got to be 2008, and I just go on a video shooting spree. Joey Karate's and all these fucking videos. So one day I got an idea. I go, let me go, I'm going to shoot a video in the fucking YMCA, and I got a towel, I put a Jewish star on it. Like the Jews do, and I sat there, and I had a yarmulke. Before I go over. I get my man Damon stone to the gills. It was super silver haze from the place on Sierra Bonita that sold tremendous weed. The big fat dude, Pete, whatever his name was, he had weed that was deadly, and on Tuesdays he had a chef from where the coal brown got killed, that Metzaluna. He was the pastry chef, and he'd just opened up an edible company. So he was making tiramisu, and all these exotic fucking things, and he used to make this really. At those days there

was no milligrams on edible, so I give Damon an edible. And you didn't know which half was the better half. Which half was the better half. So I eat the edible with Damon. We wait about 20 minutes. I look at Damon's face, I can tell he's hired and fucked. And our goal is to go into the YMCA, I'm going to get naked, put the towel up, put the yarmulke on, and I'm going to go into the steam room, and I'm going to open up the door, and he's going to come in and shoot me, and I'm going to give the weekly picks, whatever the fuck I was doing at the time. So one thing leads to another, we walk into the YMCA, the badge, we go in, and I can tell, as soon as we walk in, after about nine o'clock, I say, let's go after nine, because the YMCA is open until 11, I go,

let's go after nine, because then it slows down. But after nine, anybody who knows, it's gay guys that go down there, and they walk around naked, and they try to hit on other guys. So you're at the Hawaiian Hollywood, after nine, a guy walk right past you with his dick out and go, excuse me, and you're like, why are you naked in the back? But you got to figure like, this night's I would go in there at 4.45, and there'd be a guy coming down from math naked as fuck. Looking to get his dick sucked, and I'd go in and go, what the fuck is this? And there was one time I had words with a guy, one time I said, bro, you got to put your towel on. And he goes, does my dick bother you? I go, bro, you got to put your fucking towel on. You're a perverted motherfucker. I'm gonna go to

the front desk when he put his towel on. But also like, there's this also a certain age, like when dudes go past the age of 70, those guys never wear a fucking towel. So I take Damon down there. I can see he's spooked. I go to open up the steam because this is fits. Yeah. And then there's a steam. And the steam, you can't really look in, or you see a steam. Yeah. So when you open it, the steam clears, and you can see. So Damon's got his head on my shoulder. I opened the door, the steam clears, and it's the biggest blackest motherfucker you've ever seen with a dick that had to be cold. It was still 22 inches. Damon saw the guy's dick and ran the fuck out of there. I had to put my towel on and chase him. I go, what's going on? He goes,

that guy's dick was too big. Greetings from podcastville, you bad motherfuckers. It's Tuesday, the 11th of motherfucking July. The podcast is brought to you by audit, the best in supplements. Listen, I can't take care of you on the supplements and I can't take care of you on the kettlebell and the clubbells and all that stuff. But as far as supplements, I got you, alpha brain, shroom tech, the protein powder, I got you. Go to audit.com, pick something, start with alpha brain, press in audit and get 10% off. Press in. Church. Bam. And get 10% off, deliver to your fucking house right off the bat. Number two, the days of buying CBD oil at a liquor store, a dud. CBD lion is here. Let me explain some to you. Go to CBD lion and look at the second

hand test results. This is a real fucking company with legit product. I'm 56 fucking years old. I jump up and down every fucking day. I eat four of those little gummies at night and I sleep like a fucking lion. You understand me? If you want to sleep like a lion, go to CBD lion.com right now, press in. Church. And get 20 motherfucking percent off. That's how we do it. I'm the church of what's happening now. Take this fucking mule, Lee. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Time to take some fucking fentanyl. Oh, yeah. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. It's a Jew fest in this bitch. I got Josh Wolfe. I got the flying Jew, aka the Christ killer. It's 104 degrees, cops suck as we love you.

In France, the skinny man died of a big disease with a little name. By chance his girlfriend came across a needle and soon she did the same. At home, there are 70 year old boys. Are you fucking nuts? Oh, what? It's beating again called the disciples high on crack, toting a machine gun. There you go. There you go. As good as it fucking gets smooth. Time. It's the church of what's happened now. It's Tuesday. Listen, I'm sorry, Atlanta. I'm very sorry. I'm going to reschedule a date today. I'm sorry about what happened on Saturday for you people who want to know what really happened was that our flight was at 10 11 30. It's supposed to get into fucking Atlanta 2 19 and they kept pushing the flight back and then at

three o'clock they just canceled them not five o'clock. They just canceled the motherfucker. And the next flight was at 609 and that got delayed till 7 22. So we weren't going to get into 10. I didn't want you people to sit there for fucking three hours. So my deepest motherfucking apologies. Once I got to Atlanta, guess what? They left my luggage in New Orleans. So I sat there till five in the morning away from my fucking luggage. What airline is that? Delta, who I loved at that. Everybody has a bad day. Yeah, you know, I was not angry. Steve Simone started to get a little bit angry at the counter and I reminded him about Ralphie May was banned for life. What? Yeah, from Delta for kicking the counter at fucking LAX because he got there at 30 minutes

before the flight. Yeah. And he missed it because he was a big shot and he kicked the counter. He said, fucking this sucks. And they came and said, don't ever come into Delta again. Get the fuck out. Don't play on an airport. Do not play on an airport. When people tell me they play on an airport, I feel sorry for them. The TSA people have no time and the airline people have no time. Yeah. Your mind shut. Don't crack no fucking jokes. Well, the jokes are done. Don't say nothing about dynamite. Don't say nothing about fucking going through the machine. Just wear sweats so you don't have to take your belt off. If you're a fat fuck, put some nice NB, what do you call it? New Balanced Sneak. Yeah. Slip them off. Slip them off. And take a shirt and take a hooded sweatshirt.

If it's cold on the plane and make sure in your fucking bag that you're carrying on, you have essentials. You always have to have a joint rolled up and hidden a certain way. In case your luggage gets lost, you don't want to sit in your room like a fucking bumpy. So thank God had edibles on me. I had some fucking reefer on me. I had a vaping pen on me. And I had my computer. So I never get stuck. I wasn't really stuck. I took a shower. I didn't have no fucking gel to put on my hair. I looked like fucking Zombo. I was still gonna fly. I didn't give a fuck, Jack. Where my fucking luggage was? They can't get in it because I got it locked. I got one of those away suitcases that they guarantee for life and it comes with a combination. You put

on the plane? Well, I could even plug my phone on that bitch. You know that you can charge your phone. It's tremendous. And I've had it for too much. You got to see what it looks like. Looks like it went through Afghanistan and they shot it. Looks like one of those good fellow cars. They treat your luggage like shit. I was fucking out. Oh yeah. They lost my bag. And then they wanted receipts. They wanted receipts. They lost my bag and I was like, listen, they said anything over a hundred feet of dollars that was in the suitcase, we're gonna need your receipts. I'm like, well, there was some clothing in there, the jeans, some of the shoes. They give you. Where's the thing, right? So I said,

they were over a hundred dollars and said, we're gonna need receipts for this. And I said, yeah, but I've had them for like a year. You know what I mean? You think I keep the receipts for, once I get clothes, if I know I'm going to keep them, I throw away the fucking receipt. And they were like, yeah, it's just the policy. I said, but what about the, I said, what about the clothes you're wearing? You like them? And she said, yeah. And I said, do you have receipts for those? She said, no, but I didn't lose, I didn't lose these clothes. I'm like, no, okay. So they didn't, they made me do receipts, which I didn't fucking have. And so then they wanted to, they were like, we'll give you something like $400 for the bag and everything

it's it. But then I have to go down someplace and sign some paperwork. Yeah. Oh, no, no, they make it rough for you. They put you on hold. It's an hour. They make it rough here. Let me tell you some how I feel. And I told the lady when she called me at three and she goes, your luggage didn't come. And I go, let me ask you a question, because this is what pisses me off. Okay. This is what part of my beef is with society. And we've accepted it is that I paid you 25 bucks for that bag. Yeah. That means you're going to handle that bag with your life. If not, don't charge me and I'll expect to lose it. But once I pay that 25 bucks, you know, they charge me 100 bucks. Why? Because my bag was two pounds over.

Why? They don't fuck around at all. They don't fuck around. And I didn't have another bag and I wasn't in the mood to argue. Listen, when I fly on Sunday, I don't want to argue. Yeah. Yeah. I want to stand on the line. You first flight guy. Yeah. First flight guy. And this will kill me this week. I didn't take the first flight out. You take the first flight out. That's why I don't like doing city to city. I like one city at a fucking time. Yeah. You know what? When I get fucking alley one, and then I could do two shows in the night. But until then, I don't want to go from city to city. It bothers the fuck out of me. It really does. But that's also early flight after early flight is not good. Well, if you take the early flight and you get to a town, they're

not going to check you in your room. Yeah. Right. You're going to be walking around the town like a fucking Staminke. I don't want to do that either. I don't want to do the only one that hasn't early check in his hide. And they'll give it to you. They'll check you in at nine. They don't fuck around. I'm like platinum on the eyes. Yeah. But that's why like if you, I would think most airlines, you wouldn't have to pay if your bag was over 50 pounds. They got me on the way back from Minneapolis that week when I did Wisconsin. When I went, when I was shooting the movie in Jersey, the first week, I had already fought 20 in Minneapolis and Milwaukee at the PAPS. On the way home from the PAPS, somebody gave me something like a sweatshirt

or something. I didn't, I left my kickbox and stuff at my friend's car. Yeah. But I forgot to take clothes out of there. Gotta get it. So when I went, I don't know why I didn't charge him when I came back when he goes, you're two pounds over. And I just paid the yardstick because I don't want to argue with you. It's not worth it. I don't want to get on a Sunday morning. I don't want to argue with nobody on a Sunday morning. I just did five fucking shows. I just took pictures. I talked to people, I heard people's stories, you know, I'm not in the mood. So that's, I just feel if I pay you $25 to handle something, how can my luggage still be in fucking whatever? But there are also like, you fly as much as I do. There's some things on a plane too. Like when somebody tries to fit

an overhead bag the size of a fucking coffin in the overhead and they're just I got a problem with the guitar guys. Take that guitar and show it up your mother's ass. Do not fucking bring the guitar on here. You're not going to serenade nobody. You're just going to waste the fucking thing. It's your fucking shitty band and your shitty fucking guitar. Check that fucking thing. All right. But it burns me to fuck up when I see some fucking guy with a guitar. And I don't know who it is. If it ain't Jimmy Payne, don't bring a guitar on the plane. If you ain't Dave Gilmore, Jimmy Page, or you ain't in the Foo Fighters, leave your guitar. All right. Nobody knows you. Don't bring the guitar on to me. We're going to confuse you for somebody

you're not. You're not in the red hot chili peppers. Leave your fucking guitar underneath. And then you sit in the back. That's what really pisses me off. You want to bring a guitar? Buy a first class ticket. So now you're going to fucking sit in the back with those Martians in the dungeon and fuck their shit up. Like they don't have it bad enough. You ever sit in first class and get up and look into the back of a plane? You advise people on not flying what you see. You see people stuck together. Even that seat behind first class in the ball leg room. They give you dick. You're still sitting next to two fucking idiots breathing on your neck. It's a fucking nightmare. It's a fucking nightmare. I feel bad for people

that don't fly when they fly. We're going to have a great time just sitting back there fucking stuck. My wife, she's in for a treat and she doesn't know because she's going to Tennessee to Nashville. But she came to me with the amount for the plane tickets for the American and I told absolutely. They wanted 700. Yeah. To go sit in the back on American allies to go to Nashville because every fucking star in the country lives in Nashville now. So if you go to Nashville, especially nonstop, right? I could get a cheaper mint ticket to Kennedy than what it is to fly. Yeah. I have to go. I have to fly back from Nashville. When does this come out? Tomorrow. I have to fly back from Nashville this weekend. This weekend? Next weekend.

And I looked at that flight and I'm like, one way because I'm, it was like 600 bucks. There's two places that they rape you and I can't figure out. Well, I know one place, Nashville. Yeah. Because the movie stars, when you get on the ATL also, they rape you a little bit. I'm going to tell you what's the fucking other place where they rape you to go to Philadelphia. Come on. Have you ever seen what a ticket to Philadelphia costs? Yeah. I mean, I look at the first class, the regular and the business like, oh, holy shit. Every year I save points just to go to Philly, just to fuck them. Just to fuck them. Like I got miles for you. Do you want to coach seat first class? I got 15,000. I'm covered. And then you can hear the crack over the phone.

Joe, on the way back from New Zealand, I was, the guy says to me, I'm checking in. He said, we have one more first class seat available. Do you want to take it? And I was like, you know what? Cause I, it would have been like, it was like, I go, how much American upgrade? And he was like $1,100. And I was like, you know what? I've never done something like that. I'm going to fucking do it. It changed the entire expense. I never wanted to get off the plane. It was how many hours? 14, 15 hours. You do anything 15 hours. You got to take chase. Yeah. You know what? It's not something I would usually spend money on. Honestly, I would be like, no, that's way too much. But it had been such a long trip.

I was gone for almost three weeks. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to fucking, I worked hard this trip. I'm putting on a car. I would do it again. It changed the whole, the trip there, I was in, I was in the back, the trip back, I was in the front. It changed me. Where's your wife? She stayed home. She was selling, because we were selling the house. Okay. So she didn't go to New Zealand? No, it was just me. I thought she was going to go. She was going to go. So you ended up making money. Yeah. Okay. You bring your wife, you break even. That's why I told you. Yeah. You remember how bad I was with money? Yeah. And then I used to talk to you and go,

what the fucking, the day you justified your girlfriend taking $20 out of the bank every day, I listened to you and I'm like, you know, he's a cheap fuck, but he's right. Yeah. $20 every day for lunch. $20. Is it fucking that? Yeah. $600 a fucking month. Oh my god. You know what? But that's the thing, like nothing, I would rather you buy something big than nickel and dime, make the death. Do you know what I mean? It's just the, that is just a slow, it's like the Chinese torture. Just watching it go at $20 a bit, because you know, I was checking it every 30, 40 minutes. Oh, that's a good one. A little garlic for you there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's see.

I know you didn't eat, so you can smell that. Oh my god. That's like a food substitute. But you, my farts has got protein in them. Carol, he was tight on money. Who? Carol. Oh, she still has the first nickel chip. She was tight. She was the tightest, tightest person I've ever met in my life. She was tight. Listen, it's tight for the wrong reason. Yeah. I tip, I leave tips in hotel rooms. Yeah. I spread it. That's always been, even when I didn't have it, I always spread it. That's why I have the friends I have. Because when I rob somebody, I'd make your conspiracy, whether you want it or not. When Lee came up to your living, he goes, Joe Diaz robbed my house. And you're like, he gave me $300 this morning. You couldn't say nothing because you

know 300 of your money was Lee's pocket. You know what I'm saying? Or vice versa. So I would make your conspiracy right off the bat. You didn't even need to do nothing to rob me. I just throw you 200 in a week later. You're like, Joey Diaz robbed my house. He took my fucking pound of coke. And you're like, he came over and left me a gram of coke. No wonder. God. Now I can't even say that because I'm responsible. You called me from New Zealand. It was one of the most interesting calls I've had in a long time because one thing I really, really am. I'm not saying this for the podcast or whatever. It's very humble and thankful. Yeah. Very humbled and thankful. I know that descends. I know that I'm not better than nobody else. I know I put my pants on alone like at a time

like everybody else. I just put in the fucking work. You know, you and I go back if you really think about it to 1995. Yeah. This is 2018. That means we were doing comedy and you called me and you said, I'm here in New Zealand. I'm walking the streets of New Zealand and I'm thinking about how much time I put into this to get here and how happy I am. And I might not be making a lot of money. And I got off the phone with you and I'm like, you know, he's getting it. There's one, when you come to LA, there's two reasons to come to LA. There's the reason to be a star. And for me, it was just to survive. I never thought I was good enough to get a movie. I always thought I would get a, I remember Valerie, Valerie, whatever, telling me, I get your job

as an extra. I'm like, really? And she's like, yeah, I'm working on friends. My miss used to leave animals on the set and play with them so they could, she'd tell her mom that she left a thing on the set and while you were watching it, the fucking head things had to be moving, fucking hilarious. I thought I'd be an extra. So I just wanted to survive. There's people who come here, they're going to be stars. They become stars and they get a shock of fucking reality. They get a little knock out to the head and then they either smooth it out or they go away. Yeah. 60% of them go away because they can't handle the fucking failure. 40% say, you know what, at the end of the day, I was a standup anyway. I didn't come here to make movies and TV shows

or to have a show. I came here just to be a fucking comic. And when you really grab that, whether you're a comic or a lawyer, when you really see the work that you've put into something, it's hard to believe. And it came to you in New Zealand. Chelsea, this, that, Greg Garcia, you know, you opened up for these guys. This has all been part of your fucking journey. That's why I explain to people that they have to have a comedy journey. You know, if, if you think I would have handled this the way I did, if I didn't do comedy for 20 years this weekend, it's the most common for that heart attack. If they missed their flight, whatever, that's normal. I know what you can and you can't do. If you rush it, you're just going

to put on a bad show. Like, and you know, the agents were like, you don't know, wait till 10. I'm like, I wouldn't wait for Led Zeppelin for three hours. Nevermind some fat fucking comic that's going to say dirty fucking words. Reschedulant. I don't want to go there with a gun to my head. I don't want to run there and be in a rush. I'm like, thank God, I didn't say to wait, because my luggage never got there. This is things you learn from doing comedy. I told Jeff most of it. I go, Jeff, my apologies to you for not doing the show, but I've learned something when I was a kid that if something sucks in the beginning, it's going to suck all the way through. You're only an idiot doesn't know that. If something sucks the very first moment,

it's going to suck all the way through. This flight already started bad. It's delayed. It's been delayed three times. What does that tell you? That tells you something ain't right. Whatever you got to go to that funeral, you ain't going to make. You're not going to make it. Sit up, sit back, go to the boy if you need a cocktail. For me, I just popped another one. I just popped a hundred milligram list. Dude, you know what else though? You know if I'm being on stage alone and this dawned on me the other day, if I list the things that have happened to me while I've been on stage, electricity going out, mics going out, the whole building going out, people fighting in the audience, people throwing up on the stage,

somebody have sex in the audience, you could name almost anything. Because almost anything has happened, it dawned on me a couple of years ago and it's something shifted in the way I do stand up. You can't surprise me with anything. Do you know what I mean? I feel almost more comfortable on stage than I do off. I'm in a way more sure of myself and what's going to happen. You know what I mean? I feel almost more comfortable standing up there than sometimes I do off. I feel like I know what's going to happen. Do you know what I mean when I go on the road? Even if something weird happens, I've seen so, it's hard to like... The first time you saw a woman's pussy from the stage. Yeah. Remember you couldn't say the joke

afterward? You were just like, yeah, I was having a good time. Joe. I remember there was a time when once a month I had a girl, those triple runs, they have the girl, the people go to the throw you off and on those triple runs once a month, there's always that one hot girl that shows up with a guy and doesn't wear underwear and she just opens her legs throughout the whole show and you look at it because that's what you do when me too is, you got to look, you know what I'm saying? But after a while you're like, I can't look because she knows, she's smiling. The boyfriend is in love. He's like, my wife is the hottest thing. Meanwhile, she's showing that plan and it's fucking throws you off. The first time you're like, you fucking actually go and you're like,

sorry, I just had a little brain fart. No, you didn't. You just saw somebody snatch and she saw it. She saw how you reacted. So now she's going to open up her legs more. That drew me off the first time. Something as simple as that. I used to get thrown off by people with white hair. Really? I looked out in the audience and I saw a guy with hairline. Why? Because they didn't think you, you didn't think they'd get the jokes? I don't think I'd get them. I didn't think I thought that. That used to throw me too. Like there were so many things I would put on my act and in life, it's the same things we do in

life. We put roadblocks in front of ourselves. Joe, in Cleveland, last time I was there or two times ago, there was a guy in the second row finger banging the girl next to him, not subtly. He was a full arm length away. So he, it literally, he looked like a DJ scratching a record. That's how subtle it was from the stage. And I'm looking at it and I didn't say anything because honestly, it just gave me something different to look at. I see everything, you know what I mean? I'm like, I've never seen that in the, at a show before finger banging this girl they ended up getting kicked out for something completely different because he ended up talking to the show. But I asked everybody in the crowd, I'm like, did you guys see that? And they were like,

fuck, yes, it with the whole crowd. But we just went on with the, you know what I mean? Like, what am I going to do? Hey, your finger banging that girl. Like, what am I going to say? I don't want to embarrass them. It's actually kind of funny to me. What the fuck? But that's what I mean. Like at comics and Mohegan, there was a woman in the front row. This is on the video is on my YouTube page. I just happened to tape the show. She threw up in her cup. It was an empty giant margarita cup. She threw up in it four times, but like this, she would go like this, ready? And just cause she didn't want to get kicked out of the show. So she would throw up in her mouth, hold it in her mouth. No liquid, no liquid came out. And then she would just open her mouth

like a baby bird, you know, like you would feed a baby bird and drop it into the cup. She did it one time. Her friend leaned over, and this is on the video too, her friend leaned over to say something. I thought she was going to say, Hey, we should get you out of here. And she leaned over. They were right up front. They were nurses. And she leaned over and she goes, get your shit together. And she threw up in the cup four times, three times, maybe. And I finally had to kick her out, not because she was disrupting the show, because nobody besides me and her friend saw her. Nobody in the whole show. I had to kick her out because she filled up the cup. I didn't want it to throw enough on the ground and making the waitstaff clean it up, right? So she walks out.

And I asked, did you bring the cup with her? Did you leave? No, she left the cup. So surely, every, if they didn't sell the finger bank, surely everybody saw this woman in the front row. They were like, nobody saw anything. She was so stealth. She wanted to stay. So honestly, I felt bad asking her to leave because she was trying so hard to stay. You know what I mean? She was putting in a hundred. So I had a lady at the front row puke on the stage. Where were you? Where were you? Houston. Mo Amir was here two weeks ago. And I wanted to tell him the story. Which club? The, not the lap stop or the lap spot. This was the one where he developed that with the Spanish one on the other side of town with him, Ralphie. Oh, Ralphie. Ralphie of

Adal. That club was a little bit more raw. You know, the lap stop were white people. Very nice. You know, it's West Gray. Very nice. Two star bucks on the corner. But the other, the joke joint, today it's a joke joint. That's what they call it. The joke joint. Right. That was called Danny Martinez owned it. And one time he said, I want you to headline here. And he didn't show up on Friday. His wife was there. She would make, let me work dirty. I'm struggling. And then the fucking towards the end of my set. I see this lady put her hand up and the puke went, oh no. And then she removed the hand and she just went, blah, all over the front table. And on the stage, I did about two minutes and the smell. Everybody fucking around and started walking out.

You have to be a trooper to live through that. Yeah. You just, you just throw your hands up and you go back to your room and go, what have you ever? What's the, I can tell you the closest I've been to walking off stage. I was in Myrtle Beach and these people were talking in the audience. And I was kind of talking to them. And then another table got tired of them talking too. And then they started to argue with each other. And there was nobody from the staff coming in to break it up. And nothing I was saying was that, so they, I just sat on the stage and watched them argue and pretend fight for, it had to be five minutes. And I was like, I'm just, because I, I couldn't at the time figure out how to control it. And I was like, do I just walk off the fucking

stage? Like I've literally lost control of this show. I can't get either table to calm down. And then other people are screaming the tables and I can't control the crowd at all. And I just sat there. And it was the closest I've ever been to saying, fuck this, if I like, if this is going to be the whole show and I can't control it, I got to walk off. I just sat, I ordered a couple drinks and just sat and waited for them to get tired of yelling at each other. But I didn't know that was the closest I've ever been to walking off. You ever been close? No. No, I've never been close to walking off. Like I've, I've had my moments when I want to cry up on stage where like, you're either doing really bad or

you just not get them or they just not taking the ride. But when I was doing coke, I had a bad attitude on stage because all I would think about was going on stage and doing 45 minutes, I'd go do coke. How did that change your, how did that? The quicker I got off stage, the quicker I could get to my fucking little voodoo bag of debt. So I had that problem for a long time and I just wanted to fulfill my obligation. I didn't really give a fuck about what I talked about on stage. And that's why I really had no success at that area. I was doing movies and stuff. I really had no control. I was just doing it to go on the road and not, you know, when you have an addiction, you go on the road and nobody knows about it here.

I would do it once a week here. When I was on the road, it was every night, you know, Wednesday through Sunday over here. I mean, you still remember Beaumont. I mean, that was just, you know, I think about Beaumont. I want to get sick. It took me a week from the OD on Sunday to Friday. My face was bent. Like my face was bent for five fucking days. I couldn't talk. Yeah. I was like, how you doing? Yeah. I was like, what's going on with you? I go, nothing. I got a toothache. It was fucking terrible. Yeah. Like, I can't explain the people. I didn't lay down at one point on stage. On stage. And you said to me, Josh Wolfe, Josh Wolfe, and I was in the back. Yeah, you come up here and help me get on the stool.

And I go, no. And you were like, fuck you. But you were on your knees. You weren't laying down. You were on your knees and you had the mic resting on your belly. I remember that. I couldn't help you under the fucking stool. My fucking shirt was dressed in those big daddy shirts on. You took those Zanex before you went on stage. No, you took the Zanex before I went on stage. 30 of them. Yeah. You took them before I went on stage. 30 of them. Yeah. 10 milligrams Zanex I was eating. And the last night I definitely ate 10 or 12. You were, I don't think, but you know what's crazy? It didn't kill you. Is it bad? No, no, he just eats fish and protein. That's all he does. He thinks about what he can eat to make fart smell bad.

You know, we did that in college. In college, we were fucking dumb. Basically, my roommate challenged another two guys. Basically, we're like, we're going to lock ourselves in our rooms for a weekend. We're going to eat the worst things in the world. And we're going to, we're going to see once and for all who's got the worst room. And I didn't make it the whole weekend. I woke up like on a, I think I woke up on Saturday. You had to make it till like Sunday at eight. I woke up on Sunday morning and I was like, I can't. This is, this is as far as I go. He's two and a half times as old as you were. Yeah. So, but he's done some damage. And at this point, he knows exactly what makes him fart the worst. Garlic. Garlic. What is it? Fish? Oh, albacore sushi.

It's like I'm a mind reader. With onions, jalapenos and garlic cloves. Oh, that's the end. The first two or three farts are just brutal. They're just brutal. When I go to sushi Dan, I mean, I haven't been there like two or three weeks. But when I go to sushi Dan, I get the sizzling albacore. It's six pieces. Oh yeah. Just with onions, jalapeno and fucking garlic cloves and a little bit of olive oil. You, and it's delicious. But what comes out of your ass two hours later, it's just disgusting. Once the onion mixes with the fucking garlic, you have a big problem. And then the jalapeno makes the farts spicy. Oh, heart. People sniffing and those hairs going. Yeah. And it feels like, it feels like a paper cut when it comes out of your asshole.

Oh. You're like, oh shit. Like the paper cut. Yeah, those are bad. It's terrible. Well, I don't eat the farts. I don't know what I'm going to fart. For me, dried apricots. Like if I want to torture Beth, I'll get, I'll just buy a bag, a bag of dried apricots and I hide them at the house. And if she's bothering me, I'm going to eat some dried apricots. It's that place on Lancashom. They make protein shakes once every two weeks. They break them and I go over there. It's not, it's, it's not, it's not going to be a good protein shake for you because they put fruit in it. There's a lot of sugar in it. Right. But just to switch it up, it's called macrofuel. Yeah. It's a chocolate milkshake over there on Lancashom. They put dates in there. That'll fuck you up too. Let me tell you

something. Yep. You have no idea what comes out of you when you eat dates. The older, that's why how to stop you going there. It's rough. Because I would have the shakes and go, Jesus Christ, I would be driving back from the comedy store at night and I would fart on low okay and I almost crashed the fucking car. You ever fart in your car and keep the windows rolled up and see if it smells in the next morning? No. I like to do that. Do you ever do that? No. I don't do it. I just did it by accident. Yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't want my car to smell like shit. I hate my car stinking. I got to go in there with Oseum anyway. Oh yeah. I go in there with Oseum every fucking day. When I started up, I just blow it and put Oseum in there to kill the speed, those

mallows and everything fucking in between. You know what I'm saying? So now you go into the UK and these are both your first times doing comedy abroad. What did you feel was different when you went abroad? I was really scared. In my world, people are people. After 20 years, you realize people are people. No matter whether you go to a tent, if you ain't funny, they ain't gonna lie. So yeah, I agree with you 100%, but sometimes I was going by myself. So I did a lot of thinking. And sometimes, you know, your old insecurities or your old who you used to be can creep in and bring some self-doubt. And I started to think, well, is the sense of humor the same? I mean, I know what I'm, you know, and I just started to creep into my own head.

And I couldn't wait just to get that first set out of the way. And as soon as I got the first set out of the way, I was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly what you said. People are people. If you're funny, people are people. If you're funny, you're funny. Yeah, no. Denver audiences are better than Ohio audiences. You don't know what you're talking about. No. People are people. If you're funny, they're going to be a good audience. You know, I don't think I had the best show of my life in New Orleans. I was kind of fucking rusty, you know, even though I get on stage at the store, the hour was the big difference. That hour is a big fucking difference. You know, 15 minutes I could do sleeping. I did 12 hours and 14 days. And so I was sharp, sharp.

So you did how many shows in over there in New Zealand? Well, I was in Australia too. So you did Australia and New Zealand? Yeah. It was amazing, man. It was really cool. It was super humbling, you know, to think that I'm just doing my little fucking dumb shit over here and there are people over there that will come and excited. Like excited. My show in Brisbane was a different experience for me altogether. I could feel that it was a different energy when I walked on stage. Like those people were excited to be there. And it felt, I couldn't, I was, I told them, like this is top five show I've ever had. It was a different experience. It was amazing. I was really humbling, man, because

you know, I've told you this before, I, I know the list of people I would leave the house to pay and go see. So the fact that I'm on somebody's list is humbling every time I step on the stage, like these people left the house to come see me. And they got a baby sister. Yeah. Like it blows my fucking mind. Think about who you would leave the house honestly to pay, bring your wife and go see. It's not that big of a list. It's not that big of a list. So the fact that you're on somebody's list, that's why it bothers me when I hear people blame crowds. They came to see you, man. They came to see you. So they're, they want you to do well. I, and I don't like when people blame small crowds either because

those people also left the house to see you. So do your, do your job. You know what I mean? It's really, it's, it's super cool. It was really very humbling. It's, it's, you know, you do stand up, you starve. I mean, you starve no matter what type of artist you are in the beginning. You know, I, I, I generalize and I stay stand up because that's what I know about. But I still remember being an apprentice electrician and starving an apprentice carpenter. You know, you, you starve for a couple years until you fall in love with something. But listen, I really enjoyed my open mic life. Like my mother died when I was a kid, but I gotta tell you, I still had a great childhood. My open mic career, I consider it brilliant.

I think until I spun my wheels till I was 29 years old. And before I got into comedy, I really fucking thought about it because I knew if I get into this and I failed, I was out of options. I was out of options. So when I picked this, the first two years, I didn't know what I was doing, you know, which nobody really knows. And then once I got a grip of what I wanted to do and when I got an answer of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to take it, then I count that. Like, yeah, I started in 91, but I really started in October 93. That's when I saw the big picture and that's when I attacked it. And I could look you in the face and tell you that I did it the right way. I was thinking about this the other day. I was an open mic for seven years. Yeah.

With no qualms. Yeah. I was thinking about it the other day. With no qualms. How many sets, when we first got to LA for the first year, two years, how many sets a week you think you were doing? I was doing four at the store, one at the end part, one at the lab factory. And you did two of three of those funny mics somewhere around town. Every night I did a Mexican one. With Rudy and the Rudy, either Rudy, Felipe. Do you still have the notebooks, all the mics that you did? Yes. I still have everything going back to 98. I was thinking about how many mics we would. Yeah, that was the goal. You know, when I looked in Boulder, I had to really work for sets. So it taught me a lot. Every set was gold. There wasn't four sets a week on Monday. Mondays was the Outback.

Way before Outback Saloon. This was the Outback Australian bar. It was an Australian theme. And they had a stage. You think they put us on the stage? No. We were in the back in the sound room five feet longer than this. And the room had, it was a rehearsal space with pads on the wall. So bands could rehearse in there while people were at the bar and they wouldn't hear and they would let me go up there. Andy Payton would put me on every Monday for ten fucking minutes. So I learned how to treat those spots like gold. The comedy works only put you on once every three weeks for three minutes. There was that many open mics there, open micers. Wednesday I had a place. Thursday I had a place. And then Friday and Saturday I also

get spots. And none of the clubs liked me. So I wouldn't get get spots. When I went to Seattle, we had the Chubby Chick on Mondays and Tacoma. Very sweet. She just reached out to me. That's great. Susan. Susan. You had the Comedy Underground and then we had that R.T. Fartsy bar with the cages. Yep. But we also had, we had another open mic on Tuesday. Now, if you don't think, I've thought about this a lot. You sent me a list a couple weeks ago. I showed on the podcast of where Brody got rest of soul and all this shit. That Monday, Tuesday opened my combination. It was deadly, dude. It was deadly. Yeah. Because we had two nights to come up with material. So if it didn't work Monday, Carl will give you another chance. So you use what work and then you threw

in an extra minute because it was six minutes, right? Yeah, depending on. Yeah, yeah. Because they trained you for the Seattle Comedy Competition. Yeah. That's why they were doing six minutes to keep it for Seattle. So it was all six minutes south. I think the closer was 10 minutes. Yeah. So that was the deal. But that was one of the biggest educations I got. Oh, not only that, if you remember, like one nighters were one nighters. So we didn't, we weren't learning in three or five or seven minute spots. When you went to Tacoma, when you went to Olympia, when you even went up north to Everett, you were doing 15 minutes. You were doing 15 and 30. Yeah. You were. So when you had it or not, you know, booked you, you had 20 minutes and you could

improvise for five Laura Crocker. Yeah, but you were getting up there. Pat Wilson. We were out every night. MC had to do 15 minutes. So you would get on stage your 12th fucking time and you had to stand up there for 15 minutes. And so it taught that that was a huge education, but it didn't prepare us to come here because I was used to having 15 minutes. And, you know, that first set at the store for three was like, with the lights on in that fucking room, you're like, what the fuck is going on? You know, you can see everybody. Nobody gives a fuck who you are. You thought you were the king of the hill. But when I left Seattle, I'd left with a little more confidence than I should have had. I mean, let's be honest,

because you think since you're doing so well somewhere else that you're just going to come here and pick up, did you think you were kind of come up and, I mean, obviously I didn't think it was going to be the same, but I was going to be like, oh, I've been doing this for a little while. I'm part of the young guns of comedy. Like I can, I'm going to come down here. And of course, I'm going to be at the store. No, you start, no matter who you are, almost you start over. You start over. No, you first of all, you lose eight minutes because you have Seattle. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst. When you come down and you're like, what about that judge? And you're like, what judge? You're like, oh, shit.

The Seahawk jokes don't work down here. Yeah, that's it. Now you got to read. You just lose 10 minutes when you move here. You lose 10 fucking minutes. When I came down here, I came down here. When you came down here, I wish you all luck in the world. I didn't think I was ready. I didn't have no real connections. I didn't know anybody. Then I started fucking around to Latino LaFest. Yeah. And they flew me down and that shit, then they didn't put me on. So that was my only experience. Like I told Pablo when he was here, I came down here. I saw Pablo do Seinfeld in Spanish. I was like, I don't belong here. Let's get that out of the way. I'm just some fucking dirty comic. I accept that. Yeah. And then James, then I came down here on

Monday and Tuesday, I think you mean Gavin went to the LaFactory and stood online. Yeah. And then he told me, because you're great, but you don't belong here. You're a cabaret comic. Get a van, go on the road and do dirty jokes on the road. You'll make a million dollars. I was crushed. I was crushed. Nobody knows that. That James Massada, I got here on a Monday and Tuesday night, I stood out there all day, Richard, whatever, brought us water. And we stood out there, mean Gavin alternated, going over to the coffee shop in that mall, downstairs, the coffee bean. If you cross the street in the coffee shop, it was completely different mall back then. That management company was there. Lemley was still there.

Lemley was still there, but there was a coffee bean. Yeah. And I still remember my second day, my first day here, me and Gavin and you, I think it was just me and Gavin went down there. Or you too. And then we had to come back at six. Yeah. But I still remember going across the street and seeing the guy that's really, was really hot at the time. He did that move with Paulie, sure. Real good looking dude. Brendan Frazier. Brendan Frazier. We saw him at Starbucks at a coffee bean. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm at the right place. Got all of a sudden, Richard Lewis pulled up and gave me water. I was like, oh, dude, I'm at the right place. Do you know what? So he told you not to be dirty. Do you know what he told me? Don't talk about your kids. Nobody wants to hear

you talk about your kids. That was the first thing he told me. And I was like, okay, dog, I fucking waited online all day. Yeah. I waited in the sun. Then at six o'clock, they gave you the number. We ran home. I was at the store the night before fucking Don Barris put me up at the store the night before because the black kid, what's the black kid that took us to a strip club in Seattle at that time? And he rented a convertible beamer. He took us to that strip club and paid for that Eddie Griffith. The singer, the singer, the singer came in as I was used to wear the big fedora. I was talking to Don Barris. Yeah, he came in. He goes, hey, James. James Stevens the third. Yeah, thank you. God bless him. And he came in. He was a super nice guy.

Super nice guy. He came on. He goes, when did you come down here? I just got here tonight. He goes, you want to go on stage? I go, fuck, yeah. And he went up to Don Barris. There was two people in the audience. And this was my first LA premiere, two people in the fucking audience. I had never seen two people. So I got off the stage. I saw wheels. I saw Eddie Griffith. I saw Tumac from The Last Dragon. And I was like, I don't know, this isn't going to work. And then that next Tuesday, I went to that live factory, bro, and I killed. I could look in the face. It was three minutes. Yeah. I was just used to doing six minutes for Monday and Tuesday for 18 months. Yeah. You're not going to fuck with me. No, no, no, no, no. I went up there and I did

three minutes. I ripped that rule apart and I waited on the line like, I'm going to be a wreck. And bro, I walked in and I'm like, Jamie, how are you doing? As I sit down, my friend. You're very funny, but you do not belong in LA. You're too blue. You're a cabaret comic. You're not going to make it here. You're not going to, you cannot perform in my club. That was my wake up call to LA. And here I am 22 years later. That was my first day in LA. Like that guy cracking me. Like going home and being cracked. But dude, you never, you never changed. No, I saw Doug stand home. And he goes, why the long face? And I told him, he goes, fuck him. He don't know nothing about comedy. And he started breaking down the history of LA.

And he was going in at the store and he tried to copy. I got nothing against Jamie. Jamie's a great guy. He is a great guy. At the time, that was what it was. That's who I was at that time. And he told me, don't worry about the fucking laugh factor. I'll get you at the comedy store. And sure enough, he called. I thought he was lying to me. I'll be able to tell you I'll call. A week later, I got a call from fucking Scott Day telling me, you got a showcase. Scott Day. It's going to be six months till you get the showcase because we're behind. And I'm like, fuck, I don't know if I'll make six months. Six months. How many times did you showcase for her? February 19th. I've showcased on the

12th and for three minutes. Yeah. And she goes, can you do a tan? And I go, fuck yeah. And a week later, I came on the 19th on a Sunday night and she goes, call Scott tomorrow. That's awesome. You know, but this is Jim Massala telling me he hated me. Yeah. Now, somebody else would have gotten the car and left. Yeah. Somebody else would have said, that's the hottest club in LA because it was the hottest club at the time. For a long time. And look what happened. Monday nights weren't his night. They were a Purdue show. And the kid Gilbert got, you know, he's still alive. I owe Gilbert a lot and Rudy and those guys, Gilbert would tell me, come on every Monday, I'm going to give you 20.

Gilbert. And they would give you 25 bucks. 25 bucks was like fucking, oh my God. Rudy used to give us a little money to drive out there too. 40 bucks. Yep. 40 bucks. And then you got the connection and Chino, where they gave me Coke till four in the morning. I came over to your house on a Monday and you're like, you gotta go to Chino. Those motherfuckers. I'm like, how long is the drive? You're like two hours, but it's worth it. Open bar. Oh my God. Fucking blow. He tried to pay me in hookers. I was like, this is not how it's working, man. Yeah, no. It was great. You were the one that was like, oh, he was like, I'll pay you in hookers. I'm like, that's not how we're doing this. I can't, you know, my kids are kind

of hungry. I can't be like, Hey, here's the deal. I don't have food, but they still have my finger. You know what I mean? What's that? They still have that kid. I was asking you. No, that dude's got to be in jail. That guy's in jail. The first time I went out there, I went out there with Danny Kelly. That's right. That's right. It was Danny Kelly's hookup. Yeah, I went out there with Danny Kelly. That Monday you were talking to the guy and everybody was planning a big show down there. He was like, oh, that was gotta be him. Yeah. All this shit. Move Torres. And I'm like, oh boy, these guys. But we used to go to, even when I was a regular at the store, I don't know, what was the name of the open mic? We went to, okay, we used to go to the one on Barhand.

Do you remember Barhand? Had the fucking library with the script. Oh my God. And then, but you and Gavin and me and there was somebody else, we used to go to a coffee shop. But on Sunset. No, Santa Monica Boulevard, not Santa Monica, the city. Yeah. It was close to where you lived. It was where white lightning had his little Jamaican bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that street? Large month. The end of the month. Was it that far? Yeah. His Jamaican bar was at large month. But I do remember we also had the union. The union. We also had that place you got to send where we all ate a bag of dicks.

Yeah. That fucking ball on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. No, in the middle, it's the people still smoking there. I heard that if a cop goes in there, they spit in his face and they throw cigarettes out of his shit. They had a balcony and that's where we did comedy and it was me, you, Corey Miller. Yeah. It was at that Italian place. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't the pizza joint. No, no, no, no, not pizza, but it was in Hollywood. It was in Hollywood and between. It was called on Cherokee. It's on Cherokee. It's still there. Yeah, yeah, I know. Dive bar. You got us in the back. In the back. And I bombed, you bombed,

and Corey Miller fucking went up there and destroyed him. And I'm like, I got a quick cut. How many rooms do you think that between you and I, we started and just got shut down in our time here because we made, I made for a little while. That's how I made money, like that improv show that I did. Remember that one? And the union. The union was the union was the fucking the best. But before the union, you and I booked Tuesday nights at 11 o'clock at the input. Yes. And we would never get to go on right off the back. You and I talked that lady to letting us book the improv. This is fucking 98. Yeah. And we would go down there and fucking wait and then Damon Waynes would come in and bump us on Wednesday. We wouldn't get on till one

o'clock. They said to us after the show, if you and Josh Wolf want, you go up there and do like a dirty show. And you could put a couple of your friends with the audience and they would go, all right, after the show, we got another show for you. Josh Wolf and friends and the whole room would get up and two lonely people would just sit there and we'd be like, oh, this is going to be great. I remember telling managers to come see me up there and we had like eight people. Do you remember I had two managers there one night, one on one side of the room and one on the other side and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, I'm working both these both of them assigned me and then I got to know I had agents coming down. At one point in time,

I had three agents and nobody knew about each other. Whoever got the prize first got the money. That's it. I got to get three guys. Like one guy can't cover me because you're all a bunch of dumb fucks. So I got three guys. I got the breakdowns and I just gave orders. I would get up at six fucking hungover from the night before snort and cook. I get the breakdowns from Shoeby Doob and I just scroll them 80 fucking pages every morning and write down leads and send them to all three agents. So when they got in their office at nine o'clock, they already had the submissions. Yeah, we used to do those breakdowns and then used to get them from Wendy Liebman's manager. Yeah. Mitch Hedberg's girlfriend was the assistant for the fucking guy. What was that dude's name?

Old guy. He's dead. That guy died twice already. He was 80 when he was talking to him. He came to the show and I thought he was fucking a dude. I thought he was Burns. What was that guy's name? I remember one day you're like, this might be my future baby. I go, Josh, he's 100 years old, this fucking guy. He was old. I represented Johnny Carson in 58. He had Wendy. He had like four people who were pretty good. But he had, he walked into his office and there was like any young man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? He had a picture of the Declaration of Independence. Yeah, yeah. He booked the show. This guy, he showed up with fucking Dandruff on his, I'm like, Josh, the guys got Dandruff on his fucking shirt. And he was,

Segundo, not Barry Segundo. Oh my God. Barry Segundo. And he had like, he would wear like an old ass card. Oh, it was just a whole shit. You look back and you go, what the fuck convinced us to stay here? Who the fuck gave us permission? Yeah, stay here. And remember, we came here and for the first 18 months, we were on the level. Yeah. And then it just became a party. We were going out four nights a week. Yeah. And just fucking party. Whatever happened to those twins? The twins? I still remember walking into your house and Malia. Oh, the twins. Twins on the balcony with candles and I'm like, what's going on? You talking about the one dude who was on Buffy? Yes. So I believe it's Nick and Kelly. And I don't remember his last name, but

Nick was on Buffy. Nick, I think got arrested not too long ago for something not great. You would have to look it up. I forget if something where you were like, you know, some things people get arrested for, you're like, okay, but some things you're like, I, it was one of those. And Kelly disappeared. He just went on Nick. What was his name? Nicholas Brendon. Nicholas Brendon. Thank you. How many people did we actually see come and go? Oh, man. Just look at that first picture of that very first set list that you sent me not long ago. The names that I recognize are Sully McCullough, me, you and Dave Chappelle. And that was it. But you have to be able to ride out the storm.

How many times did you think to yourself, dude, what the fuck am I doing here? How many times? How many times did I bomb at the store and sit, get in the car and go? That's going to be my last setting. Yeah. Like I'll never get another set. Yeah. This is not going to work out for me. I'm just going to snuck coke till I die. When people ask you, when people ask, when people ask you, Hey, I want to get us to get into stand up. What's your advice? The only thing I ever say is get on stage because if you get on stage and it breaks you, then this is not for you. Do you know that's it? The stage will tell you before you start writing a ton of material and shit and blah, get on fucking stage because that first time you might get on stage and be like,

Oh, fuck this. I've got enough rejection in my life. Like I feel bad enough about myself because sometimes, but sometimes the stage is like, dude, when you used to get on stage at the underground, how much were you looking forward to it? How much like when you saw your name on all this, you're like, fuck. Yes. That's when I knew because I could not wait to do that. A the class could not come. Come on. Eight o'clock could not come quick enough in those days. I don't know if you remember, we would meet at six 30. Yeah. Six 30 week. Our hearts were beating. You couldn't wait to kick down that door and God forbid somebody came to us and said,

we got another gig for you today because like I said, I come from Denver where there was a listen, bro. There's times I got to check now from a residual and I look at it and I go, that's fucking amazing. You know, I got the mentalist last week. I did the mentalist about eight years ago and I still get like $100 residuals and I look at those $100 residuals to there were a lot of money, $100 a lot of money in today's economy. And I look at it and I go, what did I do to deserve this? You know, when I met slash in 98, he goes, you're broke right now, cherish this because this is what's going to keep you grounded 20 years from now. And boy, was he right? Because now I have justification. I didn't steal it. I didn't kiss nobody's ass for it.

I worked for this bitch. I went in, I auditioned. The mentalist I got on Twitter. Get out. I put down, I took a picture of the audition with Steven Bow. I went to the audition, Steve Bow was there. So I took a picture with Steven Bow and put it up and it was in addition to mentalists. That night I got a letter, an email from the author of the book. He goes, tell me what role you want and made the ass. So I go, just give me the little one because I've been looking for two moms. Yeah. I could have had the big role, but I wasn't greedy like that. I was like, just give me the little one that I read for two lines with the stars. But you've always just wanted to work. Yeah. What is the purpose of being here? Yeah. You've always just,

but that was, there's eight avenues to make a living here. Yeah. If you can't make a living, shame on you. I'm not a director. I'm not a producer. Yeah. I'm a comic. I could write, I could do VO's, I could do television, I could do movies. I got five ways to make a fucking income check. Five ways. The last two weeks I've booked voiceovers. You know, I got five ways to make a fucking living. Shame on me. Yeah. Shame on me. Shame on me. But what I mean is, but that's been, that's your goal. Your goal wasn't to be a big star. Not at all. I don't want to be Kevin Hart. But that separates, like that's different. I don't want any of that. No, no, no. You've always just wanted to work. I don't want to take pictures of the premiere.

Nope. I don't want to do another issue. Nope. You know, this week is the rap party for the movie I did, the soprano thing. And I've gotten 20 calls and I love life, but I'm not going to play in the little one. I got a gig at the ice house anyway. I didn't get into this to go to part. No, I know you didn't. I really did. You've said that a million times. A million times. I didn't get into this. And that's what separated me. Yes. Without that. 200 people. Yeah. That they moved here and they tried to combine the party with the whatever. I'm what you call a functioning addict. I love to fuck around. I love to fuck around. But at seven o'clock, chop, chop. I don't know what you're talking about. I went to bed at five. I've been snorting

coke all night. So save your sob story for somebody else. You're dealing with the real fucking deal here. You're dealing with somebody way. You know, I took my uncle to the baseball game a couple of weeks ago, to the Met Dodger game. Yeah. The wife, the daughter, we all went, whatever. The next day he called me to thank me. He goes, that meant the world to me that you took me after, especially after the relationship we've had. He goes, you've grown up to be a good kid and all this shit. And he goes, I gotta take something. He goes, you know, for years, everybody said you look like your mother and your father. He goes, it came to me last night. You're your fucking grandfather. He goes, you know, your grandfather did for a living. He left the house every day at

six and he picked up shit from the street and he'd fix it and paint it and then sell it for $50 worth over his value. He was a savage. He fed nine kids. He bought a house here. He goes, and he just made enough, but he got up every morning, no matter what condition. He goes, he died with his stomach hanging out, but he'd still go out every morning when he was 70 at six and pick up garbage and fix this and fix that. And he goes, that's who you are, only in a high level. Yeah. But that's where you started. That was in your DNA that you got to get up. I don't give a woman what you do. Don't mean nothing to me. Don't hit me with no excuses. You're sick. Listen, you're talking to the wrong guy. You're talking to the wrong motherfucker. I used to snort till six.

I still remember snorting and sucking at that sunset, that dirty hotel across from the fucking routes that they were doing now. I still remember beating and getting bit by a flea in the neck and shit. You get those bed bugs and looking at my pager and there was a call from Chuck Pagano, the casting director that I'm running late for a callback for a James Colburn movie. Bro, I brushed my teeth and I flew the fuck up there and I booked a fucking movie. Straight off a coke. I woke up at 10 and the guy was supposed to be at Radford at 11 o'clock. He called me like a fucking 10 to 11 because I don't see you on the waiting room. You got a call back. You want this movie or not? I go, dog, I forgot all about it. I looked at my eyes,

I had those cocaine eyes. I'm like, I'm not going to get this, but I'm going up there. And I knelt on fucking coke from robbing that fucking, I robbed a ski company. Do you remember the job you got me opening up for the ski company? Remember it was somebody else's and he gave it to you. Yeah, Henry, somebody Miller is the name of the company. Warren Miller. But then who did you work for? Who gave it to you? Matt Parrot. Matt Parrot. Where is he? You know what? I had two numbers for him. He's gone. He's gone. I texted him. Matt Parrot also got you the job right on the gun show. Matt Parrot looked out for me, man. Matt Parrot, good guy.

Really good dude. And still buddies with Billy Gardell. Is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he still sees Billy. So. But I've been trying to, I've been trying to find him, but. He gave you the job. Yeah, a couple of them. And you did it for two years. Yeah. Warren Miller. Yeah. Then they gave it to me. I think it was 800 a night. Yeah, it was pretty good money, man. It was good money. It was 800 a night. They gave you one check to cover three weeks. So good. And then you had to wait. But there were two young kids from like college, from Boulder, and I'm watching them like a hawk dog. I'm seeing that they charge 20 at the door

and they count cash afterwards and put in an envelope and I'm like, oh, these motherfuckers. I'm like, these two idiots are going to go down. They don't know that I'm a master of deception. So I did the two weeks up north. Then we had a start up north. Yeah. Yeah. And then you worked yourself down to Carlsbad and San Diego. Who's car were you driving down? Terry's. The green dodge. That was a piece of shit. That's the speedometer. We just go around in circles when you hit 25. We were broke as fuck. Yeah. 800 a fucking night and she was going down with me to make sure I brought the check home. Like the first time I told them, picking up $8,000, she's like, I'm going with you. Yeah. And we stopped. That's probably pretty

smart. Baker's Field and bought a TV. I still got that TV. Get the fuck out. I will let her get out of that TV. That's the first TV I bought with the sweat of coffee. Does it still have, is this thick? $200. You can't pick it up. It's one of those thick. Yeah. You can't fucking Hercules can't pick that TV. Do you still watch it? Yeah. It's in the bedroom. Get the fuck out of here. I refuse to let go. You don't know how much we still got the original VCR too that we bought. Does it work? Yeah. You use it? Yeah. The CD. It's in the bedroom. Oh, Mercy has it. A CD player. That's amazing. And it's still work. We stopped in Baker's Field in the Eaton, Neon. Yeah. The Neon. And we put the TV in the trunk like Puerto Ricans.

Yeah. It was hanging out. Hanging out on the five coming home. And I'll never forget that. That fucking, when I was down in Carlsbad with her, I met, we went to a came on to buy clothes. And when we walked our socks and white underwear and all that shit, that's how broke that one. To buy socks. And when we walked out, there was a burrito lady walking around in the parking lot. And I bought two burritos and two tamales. And after I bit the tamale, we got to go back. We made it. You turn on the five, went all the way back and bought the lady out. That's how good the top, that's how fat of a fuck I was. I bought the lady out with the money from Warren Miller. But so now I work Thursday, Friday, and I'm watching them. They got sold

out, Carls. I'm watching them put this money in the sack. I'm watching them put it in the Nissan truck. They're fucking every night. It's adding up. It's adding up. And finally, Sunday, I watched them and I'm like, how am I going to steal that fucking belt? And I watched it get counted because you got to go up and host in the beginning and then go up in the middle and do a raffle. Give away skis and a movie by Warren Miller. And I went in, I seen the kid put the fucking thing in. And then he went to the passenger side, the driver's side of his Nissan truck and put it right behind the seat and closed the door and then went tic-tac and he put his keys in his jacket. But guess what? A hot little girl walked in

with a mini skirt and he was drooling all over. Like, he was like, what can I do for you? So he went to a bar and I washed his jacket. He didn't take his jacket. And while he was at the bar, I took his car keys and I went outside. I went click, click, click. And I put the car keys back in his pocket and I went and got the neon and I drove all the way around the corner. I parked right next to his truck. I climbed into the passenger side of the neon, opened my door and opened his passenger door and I just stuck my hand in there and took whatever I could in one chunk. I just took a handful of bills, closed the door and I fucking went down the corner and put it in the trunk under the tire in case the cops pulled me over. I went back to work. I went back in and did

the raffle and then they're like, we don't have to work because they would give you a hotel. Yeah. So they said, we don't have to work tomorrow. So I go, I'm going back. Love you guys. See you later. And I fucking just drove till I passed immigration and I pulled over and I stopped counting at a thousand and there was still a stack of dough left and I go, fuck this shit. And I shot right up there. It was a Sunday night. I went right to the comedy store and I saw the man and he goes, He took his hat off for you. What do you want? Five of them? I go, no. Give me everything. He goes, Joey, I got like 20 of them. Give me everything. And he gave me every package and I went to that fucking hotel across the street from Sunset and just started snorting up a fucking storm.

He called two days later. Hey man, did you see anything suspicious that night out there? I did see a fucking weird dude. I don't know if he was black or Puerto Rican. You got to throw the racist card in there. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, yeah, I saw that black dude. Boom. I was off the suspicion list. And then that Tuesday, I had like 10,000, whatever the fuck I had. There was another gig and I just called him and said, I can't make it. Hey, do you, do you, did you come down and visit me on that set, the pre-Fontaine set? Yeah. And we almost robbed that joint. Yeah. We had a deal. We were going to rob the car. With the raffle. With the raffle. We were going to get, plant somebody in the audience and give them a raffle

ticket. Here. So I was working, the movie was pre-Fontaine and I was doing crowd work in the stadium scenes in Eugene, in Eugene, Oregon. So they would give you stupid games to control an, a stadium for the people. It was just ridiculous. But you would do big stupid games or you would raffle off cool prizes. What happened to her? What was her name? The redhead. The redhead and the other. She got me that job. Yes. And then they came down here with us. Yeah. And then she auditioned me a couple of times. What was her name? At the park. I read for her at the park one day. What was her name? There was the one good looking one and the redheaded one. The brownhead one had like hair to the side with the glasses. I don't remember her at all. I remember the redheaded

girl. They were very good to us. Yeah. She was really nice. I wish I remembered her name. I, I guess I stopped hearing from her somewhere around 98. I would think 99. 99 probably. 99. Just what people have come and got. Yeah. Speaking of which, it's been four months. How do you feel about Brody now? I thought you were going to pick me a picture of Brody tonight. Somebody gave me a picture. Somebody, some artists drew pictures of Brody for everybody. Yeah. And he dropped them off at the store and the guy gave it to me and I put it in my back seat without looking at it. And the other night I went to the car and I found it and I almost had a fucking heart attack. But now I'm mad at Brody. Well, I'm at the anger

period with Brody right now. Like I don't even want to see his fucking face. Like when I saw that picture, I'm like, that was just a mask. You were wearing. Yeah. Like now I found myself angry at fucking him for some reason. I see. I go the other way. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for him. I felt sorry for him in the beginning. Yeah. And I knew this would happen. Yeah. I'm that type of guy because I even got mad at my mother for a while. Like I got mad at my mother for dying. So why wouldn't I get mad at her for dying? Well, listen, you're the first person who ever said, remember when we were in Seattle when Cobain killed himself and you were when people were mourning and all that shit, right? You were like, what are they? Why are they mourning?

Can I grab it? Why are they mourning that coward? You were like, fuck that guy. Like you were, you were legit. It was the first time I had ever heard someone say like, why are they more, why are they mourning this fucking guy? Like he chose. It was the first time I'd ever heard anyone say that. So, but I still don't get mad. Like for Brody, I feel bad just knowing that he had that mask the whole time. Just knowing that that was, he was living with that shit all the time. That's, that's tough for me. Open that door a little bit. Let's get out now. What was I saying? I, uh, when he shot himself, I was in Boulder and I still remember that I had bought a batch of Coke that week and I was so greedy I cut it with not cut. I don't

remember what I cut it with, but when I went to take it to the guy, the guy was like, this isn't what I wanted. This is yours. And I learned a big lesson not to cut Coke with like fucking weird shit, but I wasn't going to throw away the Coke. So I started snorting the Coke and I swear to God by the end of the week, I had like Batman marks. Like both of these were raw. Like it was just pink skin. I couldn't even leave the house. This was all burnt because whatever powder I put in there, burnt the outside of my nose and it dripped. Where did we get Coke in Seattle? I don't, I don't remember. We weren't getting it from, uh, Lionel, right? Oh, you know where I was getting it. Remember that waitress, uh, Sharon, we were getting it from a

couple of different people. I was getting Coke from Seattle. Lionel was getting it from that one. Then I got arrested. When I got arrested one time for the stolen car in Seattle, that drug dealer came up to me and he goes, when you got arrested, did you say anything? And I go, what are you talking about? I think I arrested for drugs. He goes, well, I, ever since you got arrested, I see cops in my rearview mirror or something. Listen, you're just reading too many comic books. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Nobody, it was a stolen car vehicle. There was nothing, nothing to talk about. They didn't even talk to me. The cops, what are you talking about? They let me out. They were the dealership and every

said, oh, we found the fucking car. It's not stolen. They let me out of there. But I remember like he was a burly guy. There was a bunch of drug dealers up there. I was in bad shape up there. Yeah. Like I was in really bad shape up there. Now you think back at it. But it's just really weird. The other day I saw that picture of Brody and I'm like, fuck, I'm kind of angry at him. That thing he had on was just a mask the whole time. He was broken inside. Yeah. But so how can you be mad at somebody who's broken like that? You know what I mean? He let me down. He broke my heart. It's like a girl breaking your heart. I don't care how much you love him when she breaks your heart. The first two months you're kind of angry. He broke my heart.

He broke my heart on a fucking Friday before a gig. You're gonna kill yourself. Kill yourself on a Sunday. Give me a couple of days to fucking recover. You're gonna kill yourself on a fucking Thursday night before all the comedians have to work on Friday. So I'm actually, that's the reason why. I'm mad at him because he killed himself on a Thursday night and he fucked up my Friday. He made me test my wit by going on stage. That was tough. That was tough. I love him with all my heart. I hope God has him in his hand when he's curing him. But for right now, I'm a little angry. I was mad at Ralphie too for a couple of days. You knew you were heavy and you're eating those jalapeno poppers. But he wanted... Yeah, no, no. There's two different stories and stuff.

Here's the thing with Brody for me is that I actually thought about him also when I was in New Zealand. Sure you did. I think about him every time I'm on the run. Yeah. And it's one of the things that made me so grateful. It's one of the reasons that I called you because you and I started together. And it was important for me. I didn't call anybody else. I didn't call Beth. That wasn't something I needed to share with her. But it was something I needed to share with you because we've been doing this since basically our day once. So who else would I tell that? And the reason I thought of Brody is because he was the other person I would have called to say, this is a fucking amazing experience. Look where we all are. It made me think about him a lot.

We were on stage and said to yourself, wow, I'm doing this because of the work I did in 95 and 90 seconds. Do you ever see that? I do see, not while I'm on stage, doesn't that? I see that. When I'm on stage and I'm smooth, I'm like, this is because of the work I did in 95 through 99. This is, I worked really hard. I think I worked really hard through 2002 where I remember I came to LA bomb one night and said, fuck it, I'm going on the road. I can't be talking this nonsense. I got to go on the road, hide and come back another level. And that's exactly why I came back another level because I was on the road for eight fucking months every night. You're on stage every night. Big show, little show, bar show, when you get to a town, I'm gonna say, hey, I got a one nighter

in Poughkeepsie. It pays 100 tomorrow night. You're like, wow, I didn't expect that. Now I could stay at a hotel and eat. That's the fucking challenge. That's part of the fucking journey is to see what's out there. What's behind the fucking corner? Yeah, you can also tell somebody what you could before who had spent some time on the road. You could tell. Oh, you could tell. Yeah. You could always tell. There's just a difference also, but if you craft your set three, five minutes at a time,

like you do, you have to do here seven minutes at a time. It's a different than going on the road and crafting your set out there. Right. No, the road material and LA material, two different shows, two different shows. The road is something completely different. You could experiment and take it a little deeper here in LA. You have to cut it down to what they know. There's more universal, whatever the problem. The best thing about Seattle to Joe was that we experimented a lot. Like there was a lot. There was a sense of just get up there and do whatever the fuck you want to do. You know what I mean? There was zero judgment. There were some weird motherfuckers that came to that open mic.

There were some weird fucking people who came to that open mic. It was a mental health thing that I didn't see then. Now you look back on it. The kid with the handcuff, he ended up killing himself. Yeah. You know, Rita. Oh, Rita. Oh, God rest her soul. There was a lot of people up there that the open mic was a mental health. Do you remember that guy who used to do impersonations? Yeah. Oh, we cracked him. Every time he did an impersonation, he would turn his back to you and you'd go, okay, this is my impersonation of Denzel Washington. And he'd turn his back and then he'd turn around and do it. And then there was that.

And then you said to him. Do an impersonation of a comic. And his fucking soul cracked. He fucked him up. And do you remember that other dude who did impersonations? But he naturally sounded like Jimmy Stewart. So every impersonation just sounded like Jimmy Stewart doing an impersonation. And we were like, Hey, why don't you do a Jimmy Stewart impersonation? He was like, nah, I don't do that very well. He was in town this week. I'm talking about. But I'm thinking of going. Count Hopkins. Give him a hug. Is he? No, he was in Seattle not too long ago. No. Brad Upton. He's funny, man.

As flappers, I think. Is he really? I'm going to stop buying him. He's fucking funny. He was very good to me. Yeah. The guy that, you know, when a comic is very clean, they avoid you like to play and they make a judgmental move that they don't want to follow you or be around you. He was a guy that was spotless, funny, professional, the real deal. And he encouraged me. He used to encourage me to go off, go off. I don't give a fuck. Go off. So those people like that, that's all part of this fucking journey. You know, you, me, Brody, Tana, you have those memories in your heart forever plus the most important thing.

No matter what happens, when I go on stage and I bomb or I don't get depressed, I look for bombs because on the way home, I know I did the work. We have to end of the day. That's the most important thing. People know when you're going to have bad sets and you have to understand that. But I always know that no matter what happens, when I do the podcast that I always did the work. You know, I see what I do when I do a movie now. Like I could just quit, stand up and act. I'm not going to make any money, but I'm good at it now because I've been doing it for 20 years in a thousand different situations. You know, I did a hundred dollar a day movies. I did general hospital. I did all these different

types of stuff. And now I go on a fucking set and I'm unstoppable, but I did my time. Like I hate shit. I did the costars. Hey, don't park there. You know, all those stupid like shit that nobody's going to see, but you still do it just to learn, just to get the experience. When do you go to Europe? I go to the UK in July. July what? You don't know? It's on my website, committeeandjoshwolf.com. Go to committeeandjoshwolf.com. New York City this fall and weekend, 20 versus 20 second at the Gotham. So not fall this day.

No, I'm flying back here fall this day. Okay. Where are you this weekend? I do Charlotte on Thursday, Atlanta on Friday, Nashville on Saturday. Really? Yeah. That's a nice little schedule. Yeah, it's right there too. Those are easy trips. No, no, no, no, no. They're just tiny little like theaters and I'm with Saratiana. Okay, good, good, good. So these guys will come on and see you. Yeah, I love the Saratiana. You guys, she's the best.

It's good to see you. I was happy you made time for me. I'm happy you call from New Zealand because it made me realize how lucky I was and that we've been in this struggle since 95. But it doesn't matter whether you're Kevin Hart. Doesn't matter. I didn't go out and start this to be Kevin Hart. I started this to be Joe Diaz and I didn't care whether I failed as long as I know that I tried. So thank you for reminding me of what we got and don't forget Saturday the 15th. I'm at the motherfucking ice house and then the 28th through the 30th.

I'm at the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio with my man Steve motherfucking Simone. Before I leave, I want to talk to you people about give some shout outs to my sponsors here. Listen, picking a reliable CBD company is like, you know, what the fuck? You know, they're everywhere. Everybody's got billboards. You're trying this out. You go to the weed store. You're trying that out. Lucky for you motherfuckers. I found CBD lion. They make CBD products from start to finish. Do you understand me? Start to finish. CBD lion has you covered. You know why? Because they come to vape.

They come in cartridges. They have shadows. They got gummies and they got the tincture. All you got to do is what I do. Put it under your fucking tongue. Let it sit in there for 30 seconds. Bam! You sleep like nappy new new time. Their products are fucking clean, Bobby. And they're not like the fakes making fucking false advertisements. Go to CBD lion.com and check out the third party lab results yourself. You know, Uncle Joey, don't fuck around, especially when it comes to this stuff. I'm 56. I got pains. You never even fucking heard before.

I put two of these things under my tongue. The next day I'm flying around like fucking Peter Pan. You understand me? I suggest you go to CBD lion.com right now. Press in church and check out and get not 10%, but 20% off your order. Who does that for you? Nobody. Uncle Joey does it for you. CBD lion.com. The best CBD product money can fucking buy. And you're getting 20% off from your Uncle Joey. I also want to thank Honit. Listen, when it comes to supplements,

nobody does what Honit does. You know why? Because they're flagship product. If you don't like it, they don't even want the product back. They give you a 100% money back guarantee. When you go buy Coke, you don't like the Coke. They give you a guarantee. No, you did a lie. Honit don't even want it back. They just tell you keep it, you fuck. That's why I believe in their company. That's why I've been working with them for seven years. And it's not just that. It's the shroom tech. It's the shroom tech immune,

the shroom tech sport. This is phenomenal fucking supplements. Go to Honit.com and then check out. Press in church. I'll get your 10% off your order delivered right to your house. Uncle Joey's going to take care of you, whether it's CBD, whether it's supplements, we got you. I want to thank Honit. I want to thank CBDline.com. I want to thank Josh Wolf. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for having my back. And I'm very sorry about Atlanta.

I will get a makeup date and let you guys know as soon as it comes in. That's it. And that's that. You'll fucking hear from us on Wednesday morning. Tip Top Magoo. I love you motherfuckers. I want to thank Josh. I want to thank the fucking flying Jew. But like I said, I want to thank you guys. I'll see you Saturday night at the motherfucking ice house.

730 Tip Top Magoo. Stay black. Kick this fucking meal. Pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody twice as smart as I. Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean I want to be around.

To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine. And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. As I sit there applauding from a front row seat. When somebody breaks your heart like you, like you, profile.