Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #693 - Andrew Santino

Episode Date: June 18, 2019

Andrew Santino, a stand up comedian, actor seen in "I'm Dying Up Here," and the host of the "Whiskey Ginger" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio!  This podcast is brought to you by:   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. 

Food is big when you're an open mic. Oh man. That's the, that's the fucking cherry on top. Yeah. You care about the food more than the cash sometimes. When you hear that? Yeah. When they go down to you, we got food, you're like,

we got a free dinner for you. All right, fuck the comedy, I'll come down. Oh fuck yeah, we got dinner. Yeah, you can get a steak if you want. Yeah. Most people get the shrimp and you're like, the head's about to blow. I haven't seen shrimp in years.

Yeah. Let's start this fucking thing. Fuck yeah. Whenever you're ready, brother. Let's do it. It's Monday the 17th of June. What the fuck are you doing with your goddamn life? Anyway, the church is brought to you by Onnit.

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Are you fucking kidding me? Andrew Santino. Yeah, baby. The Christ Killer. And your Uncle Joey family. What are you fucking nuts Monday morning? Goddamn. Taking you right to the fucking heart.

I want you, Mr. Santino. Good, brother, that's so fucking. That's what a way to start the show, huh? That's it. We don't fuck around here. Goddamn Metallica though. That thing pushes your heart to the next limit. What's going on in your world?

Nothing, brother. I'm good. I just got back from connecticut, you know? Moving along. Bridgeport, the motherfucking highlight capital. Yeah, bitch, yeah. That's where people die. That's where people die.

That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die. That's where people die on purpose.

Not on accident. That's where people die on purpose. I was about to fucking end it there, right by the water. They built a brand new oyster house. And across the street from the, or across the water from the oyster house, power plant. I was like, brand new,

and they got the ugliest fucking view in the Bay of a power plant. And they're selling, you know, they're trying to sell all this space, condos, all this shit. Shout out Bridgeport. Thanks for coming out to the shows. It was good.

We had a good time. I just, you know, I was like, this is, this city is fucking no joke. It looks like, you know what it looks like? It feels like everybody cleared out, you know? Like they just went somewhere else. Like they built up this little downtown and no one came. Like if you build it, they'll come.

They didn't fucking come. They didn't show up. Nobody showed up. You know, these cities are trying to lure you back. My wife called. Last night we talked for a little while. She went back to visit her family in Tennessee. And she was telling me, she goes,

my mom and dad told me they're about to sell the house and move with this civilization. With us humans, yeah. With us humans, again. You know, there's nothing going on in her town. Well, part of Tennessee. Do you know the name? It's by Mylon.

It's by Mylon and Dyer and Brit. I forget the name, but what the fuck? It's on the tip of my tongue, but she said she took my daughter and her cousins to this other town to a fucking rodeo. And she goes, you know, all the kids I grew up with and all their families, they disappeared because the area is dry at all.

Yeah. And there's nothing you could do. You know, they've taken out all these significant little places that employed, you know, half a million people and gave this town daylight, you know, whether it's Fisher Price Toys or whatever the fuck it is. And now you have these cities where Google's moving in

and all these big companies are moving in and there's some, you know, Reno is on the up, you know, all these little Columbus, Ohio's on the up. All these places, my niece dates a guy outside Indianapolis that they just like a big chain open up a restaurant there. In Indianapolis. Yeah. Somewhere outside Indianapolis. She lands in Indianapolis and drives an hour out.

There's so many headquarters out there. And she goes, yeah, there's nothing out there. Yeah. Until a big company comes in. So they're hoping for Starbucks. Fuck yeah. Google, Amazon, all that shit. You know, Walmart, all those places.

And they'll be there eventually. Yeah. Because people are leaving the big cities. You're not getting the back, when you're intelligent and wonder, because we all have a fucking economic awakening. Yeah. You know. Oh yeah.

I'm paying this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this. And what do I get from it? Sunshine. You know, when you go to anywhere outside of LA, the only thing we miss is sunshine. Yeah, that's it. You go, wow, I could use some fucking sun today. Yeah.

Like we become addicted to the sunlight, like wow. You know, you go to these cities on the weekends, there's no sun. No. Three days, there's no fucking sun. Nothing. When it comes out, people come out just to hang by a building and shit like that.

So eventually, everybody one day goes, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Yeah. And they go to a neighborhood that suits them. You know, last year when I went to Columbus, I noticed that the shows were a little bit more packed than usual. Yeah.

And I noticed that I saw a lot of Yankee hats. I'm like, wow, I don't know these fucking Yankee hats. And then I went to the kickbox one day and I saw a New York style sandwich place and a New York style hot dog place. Couple months later, I'm home and there it is in the New York times, the city where New York shows are escaping by the growth,

by the fucking, you know, 30,000 a month. Damn. They going to Columbus or? Why Columbus? What do you think of this? It's just nicer and cheaper and more livable? Cheaper. You look at your paycheck and you go,

what the fuck am I doing? Yeah. You know, when I was in New York shooting a movie, I would go over to Jersey at night and people come up to me on the ferry and go, oh yeah, listen to the podcast. Nice to meet you. And I would talk to them.

Yeah. There's this one guy that said, by me living in Jersey and working where I work and the tax, he goes, I take a $30,000. I don't know what exactly he was talking about. I don't understand that. But he goes, if I lived in New York, my paycheck would be that much smaller

by me taking this ferry. Even though I have to take the ferry at 18 a whack, nine each way, I still save money on taxes. Yeah, because living in the city is unbelievable, man. And the other side of it is, because you were saying like they wait for big companies, the other side of it is though, is that a lot of people are paying their workers

to work from home. So you could work anywhere for a lot of these companies. Why not move to Ohio or anywhere? If you don't need to be there. Did you, well also people want to escape some, if they're in a place where they're like, I don't, they don't like the environment anymore. Like, did you see the preacher in Knoxville?

Did you see about this preacher in Knoxville? Got water playing. No, no, no, that's funny as shit. That was a funny interview. No, no, this preacher in Knoxville is going on the other day. Leviticus 22 about like killing gays. He's like, we got, dude, this guy was like a,

he's the chief of police. And he's on there being like killed. The Bible says these Sadamites need to be murdered. I mean, he's talking, he's like preaching murder. And this guy's the head of the cops, bro. In Knoxville? Is that where it was? Somewhere like down in the middle.

Yeah. Preaching murder to his church. And he's like, you don't like it? Get out. I was like, this motherfucker is serious about this hate. I mean, that's not like say some foul shit at the house to somebody. Like, you know, I'm not really a fan of fucking Puerto Rican.

No, this is guy, he's on the stand, screaming at a church full of people. Being like, these almost need to get taken down where they live, go to the parade, take them all out at the parade. This motherfucker's crazy. There's some place in this country, it's still 1970. I know, dude.

This motherfucker was nuts. Some people like that. Oh, well, listen, there was enough people there that were loving it. Some people like that. They were cheering it on. Knoxville, yeah. Knoxville.

Some people, you know, there's parts in this country where you gotta be real fucking careful. Damn. Knoxville is, University of Tennessee is a massive college, man. Great, great comedy town. Yeah, man. I haven't been there in 20 years.

Music shop, that was tremendous. I bought a sound guard now, I'm there, that I never had before. Just a great city, but they're just... Behind, something's behind, man. Where are you from in the region? Chicago. What made you leave?

Comedy. Comedy, anything else? I wanted so bad. I mean, nobody leaves. No one leaves. None of my whole family's in Chicago. Nobody leaves. And I really badly wanted,

I wanted to get into the world of comedy so bad. I wanted to either write it or perform it. I didn't know what I was gonna do, but I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. And I knew if I went to New York, it'd be too close to home. You know what I mean? It'd be like, I could just bounce back to Chicago.

It's not that far. And I wanted to come to California because as a kid, you're fascinated with California. It's like, you see all these movies as a kid and California has this allure to it. And I badly wanted to get out to California, but I couldn't afford to go to school out here or anything like that.

So I slowly bounced my way west. I was in Arizona first and then I came out here because that's all I wanted, man. That's the only thing I gave a shit about was like, this is where the thing is that I can get comedy done. Let me ask you a question. Coming from Chicago. Yeah.

I went to every artsy, fartsy city, great art city. You know, great community. One of the kids I did the movie with said, I live in, I'm from Jersey. I went to Chicago because I had a girlfriend. And I ended up staying because the art community was so strong there. Whether I do spoken word or music or stand up.

He was like, it's so tight. And I still remember going to second city. One of the producers out here for CAA that produced a movie I was in, it's from Chicago. And he goes, if you're in Chicago, look me up. I looked them up. I went to his office and his office is in the building at second city.

Was it second city? Second city, yeah. And then down the corner is one of the Zanies. Zanies on, yeah, Old Town on Wells. Yep. It's literally a block away. A block away. I remember him taking me and showing me.

I'm like, that's fucking remarkable, you know, like. And Ramis was living there and all those movies in the 80s, 16 camels. Right. And I think planes, trains and all the mobiles, all those movies. John Hughes, man. It was just something that you,

it's accepted there. How was your family and friends towards the arts where they open minded? Well, you know. Right. That's all. All right. You just fucking said it.

You just said it. You know, like every time I go home and say, how's Hollywood big shot, you know, with all those homos in Hollywood, you know, you're such a, you're a queer because you came out here. That's what it is. You suck a dick out there in Hollywood. You suck a dick by the beach and rollerblades.

Immediately it's all this like, they shit on the idea of this thing. And look, people say that all the time. Comedy in Chicago is incredible. It's an amazing scene. You could stay there. Could have stayed. You could stay.

Yeah. Never leave, make a living. But I thought, I don't want to be home. I want to take a shot. I wanted to take a shot. And I wanted to do it all by myself. So I didn't ask for money or nothing from my family. And I said, I'm going to go do this thing on my own

and see if I can do this. Where'd you go to school at? Arizona State. Tempe. Tempe, baby. So you went down there. Went down there for a couple of years, had some fun. I didn't stand up down there at all.

A little bit, but back then, man, it wasn't, it didn't, you know, the improv was the only club. Now they got fucking eight clubs in Phoenix. It was only the improv. And I used to hook up with a girl who would work, who worked there for a little bit. And she would sneak me in so I could see shows. I saw, I saw Hedberg's last, last West West coast show

before he went back and then he passed away. I saw that. I saw Geraldo. I saw a lot of guys that I was like infatuated with. I mean, that was my way in in terms of like being a fan of comedy. I always was, but I wanted to do it. I was scared.

And then in school, I did a little bit of open mic. I did theater. I did all sorts of shit to try to get myself on stage to get more comfortable with doing comedy. But I didn't really dig my feet into doing stand-up until I got here. Cause there was the opportunity here was so rich, you know? Arizona wasn't like that.

Arizona was a couple, there was like one or two rooms that people could go back of bars. But, you know, the political circuit was so heavy it was hard to crack as a young college kid. Out here, it was like, we're all in the same boat. You know, so I knew I could, if I got to LA opportunities would be more rich. And that college roommates of mine were California kids.

And a buddy of mine said, I got a place in Long Beach we can stay. Cause I had no, I had barely any fucking money. And he said, I got a place in Long Beach. So I loaded up a U-Haul, moved to Long Beach, man. Slept on a guy's lazy boy for a long fucking time. But the recline is nice when you're ready to pass out. I gotta tell you, man.

What type of major did you get? Journalism, journalism in English was my minor. No theater, nothing like that. No, I did, I did plays. I didn't have a theater major though. I didn't want my, because, you know, still in the back of my head, I was like, I got to have like a thing to fall back on something,

you know, like something in the journalistic, radio arts publishing, something I could just grab a job if I needed it. Cause I was scared, you know, like, I don't come from a lot of money. My parents aren't people that are like, we'll give you money, figure out your dreams. That's not how I grew up.

So like, my parents are supportive in the sense of, go do your thing, live your shit, good luck. But you're a man. So if you fail, fucking, it's not on us. You know what I mean? Brothers and sisters. One little sister. What's she doing?

She's living in Chicago, living the dream, you know, doing the thing that like, I wish I had that opportunity to be young in Chicago, like she is, she's 26, 27, but I wanted this so bad. I wanted to be out here in the thing, you know? But I do, there is pieces of me that miss and not having that Chicago youth growing up and like,

being in your mid twenties in downtown Chicago, it's one of the best cities in the world, man. It's just like New York. It's the same shit. It's like endless shit to do. Endless people to meet, endless things to see. You know what I mean? You can keep consuming in cities like that.

And LA wasn't like that. You know, LA was like, work, work, work, work, work, work. And now I'm getting to enjoy the fruits of my labor in my mid thirties. I worked like a dog, you know, until, and now it's like, now I get to have some fucking fun. How many years have you been here? Yeah, it's 13, 13 on the fourth of July.

Wow. Yeah. And, you know, started from the gut bottom. And we were talking about doing shows down in Long, down in Orange County and shit. I had some perillistic shows down there, some terrible, thought I was gonna quit. Shit was terrible, man.

Some fucking, some shows so bad where I was like, this isn't, I can't do comedy. Four people in like a fish house in fucking Tustin. It's like, this is how I quit or die. I mean, you know, getting to doing, what were those shows called? Tribble Runs, did you ever do those? Oh, yeah, man.

Doing those, I got two tickets in one trip. Caught the trip, going to do comedy in Montana cost me $380. Oh yeah. I cried on the side of the fuck, I never cry. I'm like, not, I'm not tough guy. I just, I never really learned how to cry. I never really was a cry guy.

380 when you get 275 for the week. I'm outside of the fucking car losing my mind. I thought I was gonna fucking end it there in the middle of Bazoola, Montana. I was losing my shit. I was so sad. I was so broken up. I lost money.

I had to call my fucking girlfriend. I was like, I'm fucked. I don't even know how I was gonna get home. I was fucked. So if I go to, I do this gig, the second gig. I do this second gig and I end up passing out. I'm doing whippets with locals at a pool hall. A fight broke out.

I woke up under a pool table. Bad news, man. Ended up crying in this fucking hotel room. Like, it was hitting me. Like loads and loads of emotion were hitting me because I thought, this is how everything goes shit. I was by myself, outside of my hotel room was a Pepsi machine.

You open the motel blinds and the Pepsi machine was so loud. I couldn't, it was like, I couldn't sleep at night. I was like, this is it. This is why people fucking get sad over comedy. This is exactly why. I'm out at 175 bucks. A fight broke out at a pool hall.

I bit my head on the pool table doing whippets. I was like, this is the, this is close to whippets, bro. Whippets. It never ends. That's the thing about, you know, for people at home listening, let's say, what were your options? What your options were for your uncle Louis to call you

and say, I got a job for you. You want to, you always been good at carpentry. You want to be a carpenter, don't you? You're like, yeah. Yeah, I guess. You got your job as a union laborer. Right. Downtown Chicago, they're building a new forum down there.

You got your work for two years. So why you go there? Nobody gives you a fucking hammer. They give you a shovel and they give you a garbage bag. And you're just picking up and every once in a while, somebody would go, hey, come here, hold this piece of two by four, while I nail it in and shit like this.

You know, so for two years, what are you doing? Yeah. You know, the only difference is you're making money. Yeah, you're making a living. You're making labor, you're making a living, but you still got to buy work boots and you still got to buy jeans and, you know, a scaffold could fall and then you got to consider

the biggest thing in life in Chicago, the winter, you know, you're out there picking up fucking paper with gloves on and a hooded sweatshirt. Yeah, freezing. So no matter what you decide to do in life, whether you're a dentist or that, you always have those moments, which you go, why would I keep doing this?

Yeah. Why the fuck would I keep doing this? Yeah. This guy keeps throwing bricks from the third floor on my fucking head. I got to walk around with a hard hat. It's dirty below. You know, the carpenters are off,

but I still got to load the job. Right. You know, I got to load the brick and load the fucking 90 pound rolls of tarp up on a roof. And you know, there's so many fucking struggles in life that you go through. The best is when somebody looks you in the eye when you're young and goes, yeah, it's six years.

Six years. It's like when you got a Army recruiter when you're 18, you just got your dick sucked the night before by some skinny chick that was babysitting two doors down. And you're like, so what are we doing here? Okay, we take a test. And if you're fucking past, they send you to Camp Pendleton,

you do jumping jacks for eight weeks, and then they send you off and then you do 20 years. When you're 18 and somebody says 20 years to you, like 20 years, go fuck you, take this feather and shove it up your eyeball or whatever the fuck. And then 20 years passed by and you're a fucking mutt. And you're like, I should have joined that fucking service. And it's the same thing in life.

You know, whether you're a carpenter or a baker, you know, you go to bake, they make you a baker's assistant. What is that? Cleaning the bathrooms, getting the dough together, mushing it with your hands and all that shit, getting it ready. You don't make the bagel, somebody else does. And then one day Hector doesn't come in

and the fucking Mario's car blew up. And guess who's the new bagel chef? You're the new bagel boy. You are, but you've been doing it for three years. And you've been watching and you've been learning and you've been, and this is the same thing with comedy. Yeah. That comedy, probably doing comedy 28 years.

And there's times I'm writing, like I'm getting ready to go to the store and you're just looking at your jokes. And you think about what, let me know that I could even do this at the fifth year mark. Yeah. Because it's a beat. Yeah, you get beat.

It's a beat. Every day. You get beat so bad. It's an abuse fest. Yeah. It's just, you sign up for five years of abuse. Yeah. You know, going to, and it really funny

when you bring one of your friends with you. Like Lee decided to bring his mom to open mice and she gave him a piece of her mind this week, which is really funny thought. Because you don't see it. No. You don't see it. You're in love.

She's sucking 20 dicks on the back door, but she comes out front and tells you she was a nun till last week and you believe it. You don't see that. She's got sperm coming out of her mouth. And you know, somebody came in her eyebrow. You don't see it because we're so in love with what we're doing.

That's the fucking reality check when people are like, I don't know how you do this. You got to sit there every night with these mental health fucking patients. Because that's all an open mic is. 20% of people just got out. They got long sweaters to hide the bracelets. Right, the cuts.

Yeah. Hide all the cuts. You know, it's just, and then you move up and you leave those people behind. Yeah. You keep plugging. You move up a notch and you keep moving. All of a sudden you keep losing the crazies.

All of a sudden you lose Boom Chakalaka. You know what I'm saying? There's no more, hey man, well who's on this album? Right. By this disc. Boom, what the fuck are you talking about? You're in Long Beach. I'm sorry.

Because you're talking about people who like, you think of that time is so long. But I forget the number. But isn't it something like most people, normal people do like seven careers? Or like something crazy like that, like four or five different, totally different careers. Yeah, a lot of people do a lot of different careers.

You have to start over pretty much. We just dig into one and go over and over and over and over and over and over. Basically it's like we're doing all, we're doing temp work with almost no hope that you'll get the job, right? Comedy is like you're a temp and you gotta do temp work again and again and again and again and again and again.

Now most temps go, I'm gonna get a gig or I'm gonna keep applying to get a gig. In your thought processes, I'm probably gonna get an entry level gig at some point. That's why you temp, make money in the meantime. But we're basically temping without really much, I mean, for the majority of comics, the high majority of people that do comedy,

they're never gonna get the job. That's just an unfortunate fact, that's the truth. A small percentage of people get the job. If you're lucky enough to be a professional, that's because you were good, you were one of the best to temp. And you were talking at the beginning how, cause I'm at that point,

is you're excited when you get $20 in a cheeseburger. Can you imagine if like someone, like if your sister was like, I'm gonna have a whole day worth of work and I get 20 bucks in a cheeseburger? No, they quit that job. It sounds like the worst job in the fucking world. But the reason that real comics are comics

and forever will be is because you put in those hours because you knew, you knew you were good enough to get to the next thing. Some people, I've said it before that, I think some people have it and some people don't. And some people get it and some people won't. So some people have it. And some people just don't have it.

And some people get it and then others just don't. So you have to have it and get it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you have to have the thing and you have to get the game. If you have it but you don't get it, you'll probably never fucking make it. You have to have the thing, whatever it is,

that makes you a good comedian and you have to get it. You have to get the struggle, you have to get the pain, you have to get the ups and downs, you have to get over the fact that it ain't fair, it's never gonna be fucking fair. There's no evening of the score and it's not gonna go the way you want.

You just have to get over that. Once you understand that, you get it and you have the passion and you have the talent, all it is is just then it's time. Then it's just plugging in time. Then it's like, well, I just gotta go to work and go to work and go to work and go to work. A friend of mine, I won't mention her name,

but we started together and she quit. And she always used to say, she was like, I fucking can't believe you're out every night. And even today, nothing changed. People that run into me on the street, this guy at breakfast, oh, I'm a big fan. When are you up in LA again?

I said, dude, I'm always up. I'm up almost every fucking night. Really? Wow, shit, oh, okay. He's thinking, I'm like, yeah, I got a show in three weeks. I'm like, no, motherfucker, I'm up every night. Come see me, come see me. Because I won't ever turn that off, working.

That's me working, I'm working to build the things. I wanna keep building. I think when you get content and you, look, you gotta take time for yourself and family and friends, you gotta have some fun and be a human, but I gotta work. That's what comedy was for. Yeah.

For me, that's what comedy was for, was to go socialize with people. Since I was bad at going to bars, you're never gonna see me at a party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's there? And every time I go, I ask myself, what am I doing here? Yeah. So I don't like parties.

I don't like networking. Nobody likes fucking networking. I'm not networking, that those days ended as soon as I got here. Yeah. I'm not gonna go to your house and watch a game for four quarters. Yeah.

If I show up, it's the last quarter to sit there and watch the game or the first three innings. Right. But I will show up to do comedy. Oh, yeah. Because everything that I need is there. I'm getting an envelope. I'm getting food.

I'm getting a cocktail. There's broads. When you're 30 and you're doing comedy. Yeah. Think of all, I just named it to you. There's drugs there. Somebody in that comedy club's got drugs. Always.

There's somebody who's gonna suck a dick. Mm-hmm. You get to do your craft. Yeah. You either get 10 bucks and a burrito or 50 bucks and a dinner or whatever the fuck it is. You're gonna socialize. You're gonna find out what's going on.

Hey, you're not looking for fucking redheads for that fucking new ABC show. Right. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah. What's the name of the show? You wouldn't have found that on the fucking couch. Mm-hmm.

And you're not gonna find that out of the party with your cunt girlfriend. And you're not gonna find that out at dinner with your fucking family. And you're not gonna find out, you know, there's a part of comedy that it's fun for two or three years. Like the first three years for me, it was fun. I'd invite people to shows.

Yeah, come see me. To come to bomb. Yeah. I'm not gonna, you know, we really wanna see you. And you're like, no, you don't. Not now, you don't. No, you don't. Well, tonight, and then they come down and you bomb.

And they go, you are all right. Yeah, and then there comes a time where you look at this as this is real. Like I dated a girl when I first came in. And yeah, we were like olive oil and whatever. We didn't really, there was a lot of things in between us. But one of the things that got her the most about me was, I'm an LA.

This is the NBA. This is the UFC. This is the major leagues. I already did my time in double A ball. Right. In fucking Denver and triple A ball in Seattle. And I did A ball in New York where I got abused for nine months.

You know, you get to sign up and get number 82 on the list. And it's, you know, it's just abuse. And then you get there and you're number 82, but he's got four friends that are going up before. Right. You know, it's just peer abuse, your feelings. And I knew I was in LA. So guess what?

I don't want to go to a restaurant with your family. You know, with her family and her family, you know, she's from Michigan. So they would come out here like every eight weeks. And I'm like, what are they doing here? Seriously. Not going to book at a Beppo again. I'm not doing that.

I'm not doing that. In those days, what time is the store, what time is the comedy store open at night? What time is the first show? Seven, eight. No, no, first show was at nine, 15, right? I was there at nine, 13. Yeah.

Because God forbid there'd be a fallout. And I wasn't there. Okay. For all you motherfuckers that I'm getting off. But get to the store at nine, 15. Yeah, get there. Well, get there. Get there at nine, 15.

And sit it out. Get a drink and talk to people. And wait, somebody will throw you up. If you work your weight gold, somebody will put you up in the belly, the main room, santo. And even if I had a spot at 12, 30 at night, I was there at nine, 15.

Now somebody calls me and says, I have a gig for you. And that's what I would do in those days. I'd do the Mexican gigs and then close it out the store following Paul Mooney. So I would work myself up to go follow Paul Mooney. But there was no vacations. I didn't want nobody visiting me. There was no dinners.

Nope. I asked Josh Wolf, I was going to ask him last week, for years, every two or three weeks he'd have a party with his family. I never made it to one. Not one, even though I lived on his couch. Not one. I always had a spot to do.

Oh, you're hustling. I avoided that. Yeah. Like I don't want to go to Mooney. I'm going to have a great time. I don't know what you're talking about. There's a spot, you know, it's like Tom Rowe and me were talking about bat.

When you play basketball, if you're not playing, the guy that you're going to go up against freshman year, he's practicing right now. You've got to assume that dude is practicing. He's putting in work while you're sitting around. He's putting in work and you're sitting, talking to your dumb friends about going to India

and doing comedy. Get the fuck out of here. Talk to them at the comedy club about it. You're at the club, you're involved. That's how we're like, when I decided to get in, I got in. There was no looking back. There was no nothing.

You know what I'm saying? I still did drugs. After the show. Yeah. You can enjoy yourself after. You can do all the drugs you want after the show. Before the show, you want to do a drink to calm your nerves down

and maybe smoke a joint. I'm with you. Nothing else. Even though I was a junkie, nothing else went in my suit. You kept it clean the whole time. Kept it clean. Coke was in my pocket.

Yeah, just ready. I'm gonna lie to you. Yeah, it was in the on deck circle. It was cocked and ready to go. Cocked and ready to go. But I didn't understand that. Yeah. When I moved back to Boulder in 94,

it was for one mission to do comedy every night. To do comedy every night. There was this guy named Andy Payton. You ready for hustle? The comedy works, didn't like him. They didn't let him perform. They didn't let him perform. They didn't like him.

He was a little older. You know, we were 20, he was, if I was 29, 30, 31, he had to be 46. Yeah. Not the funniest guy in the world, but hard to go. So what did he do? He went out every night.

He went out in the daytime instead of fucking around. He would go up and down Ventura and he would get a Monday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday, and some Thursdays. Damn. Because by Thursdays, people have, they come in anyway. Yeah, they got shit going on.

Nobody wants to go to a bar or a Friday night comedy. They go to the comedy store. Right. And then he went and he would get a newspaper and type a newspaper about the Denver comedy scene. Do a whole segment on you. Do a hoax segment on Lee, what was going on. And he would sell advertising

to all those businesses that he would do the bar at. And every night. And he would lose a Monday and gain a Monday. Right. He was already working on a Monday. He already had a Monday. Right, he already had it in the. He already had a Monday that he kept putting them off.

Three more weeks and we'll do comedy. I'm just waiting for the equipment to come. And boom. And he would call you Monday. Hey, the Australian bar is done. We got a room now up and fucking whatever. It's an hour and a half drive. I'll give you 45 bucks and they give you a dinner done.

Damn. He was that, you know, nobody wants to give me work. I'll create my own work. You know where he is now? He's the mayor of the last time I checked. He was the mayor of a small town in like Wyoming. Damn. Like population 2200 or something like that.

He went up north and we wanted to get away from it all. He just one day, it wasn't for him. He gave it a, he was old enough. He gave it a New York fucking shot. And then that's it. It wasn't for him. Were you yourself staying in LA forever? No.

Where would you, where do you want to end up, end up? In a community. Yeah. In a small, decent community. What part of the country? Well, there's no humidity. Okay. So.

Let's narrow it down to those fucking states. It's got it, well, like, you know, Colorado doesn't have a lot of humidity, doesn't it? Colorado, Nevada. Nevada, yeah. You know, shit like that. Yeah. But for right now, where else am I going to go?

Well, I see people say that to, I say that all the time. I'd love to get the fuck out of here right now today. Yeah, me too. I mean, the acting jobs are lower. I mean, there's no auditions like they used to be. There's no, you know. Yeah.

So in a way, you could do everything you're doing here. Somewhere else. Somewhere else. Yeah. I feel that. I mean, my parents are still wishing on a star that I'll buy a spot in Chicago. And we want to.

I want to. Cause I want to go back a lot. I want to slowly make my way back there. Chicago is a tough city to live in when it's bad, but when it's great. You know, they're shooting things in Chicago. Yeah, they are. That's number one.

Shit's coming back. They're shooting things in Chicago, which always gives you hope. Yeah. You know, when you, when you live in those towns, Seattle, Chicago, Boston, Chris Evans is up in Boston shooting a movie right now. Yeah.

You know, you could be an open mic or anywhere. You know, you could be a professional comic anywhere. Right. I mean, Chappelle's the greatest comic in the country. He lives in fucking. Ohio. Pennsylvania. Some shit.

Yeah. Ohio. Yeah. On a farm. Do you guys ever think cause like the flights, like if you lived in Chicago, you're in the middle instead of having like six hour flights everywhere. Easier to get around. I'll tell you that.

I just took a flight back from New York and that hits you not only money, but it kills a day. You fuck a whole day. I mean, you're done. It's not like you can't do anything else that day. You know, unless you're, unless you're taking the red eye and you're waking up in New York and four or five AM, you know, but it's like that takes, that beats me up.

That's the one thing that's just the travel is killed. You know, like I'm going this weekend, I'm in town, which is good, but then I go to Baltimore with Joe, Atlantic city, then I come back, then I go back, then I come back, then I go back to the East Coast one more time. It's like, it's tough man, but it's gotta be cause I got too much going on,

but this is such a hard location to go from. It's such, it just takes a lot out of you. You're like, just get the travel sucks because it's a lot of shit to do. It's a lot of shit to think about and to do. It's not mindless. If you're rich and you're flying private, it's mindless. But if you're still flying on regular planes,

the airport and traveling takes it out of you. Then you get to a place and you have to learn how to turn it back on again when you're ready to do comedy. You know, you got to get there on Thursday and go, okay, fuck, let's go, let's go. I got to turn it on. I got people that paid to see me, I got to turn it on. But they don't know that that's fucking hard.

They don't know it's a pain in the fucking ass. They get to the hotel and they, oh, we don't have the reservation and all the credit card machine's broken and all the fucking, oh, and the car guy is late. Oh, we sent the wrong car. I mean, these things, they just happen. People don't know that that happens.

It happens all the fucking time. And you just got to keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, but you're absorbing all that. You know what I mean? Over time, that's why when guys get older in the game, it's harder to go do shows. People want people to tour all the time. You know, like Burt right now is on that fucking world tour.

I'm telling you, this is gonna hit him hard when he comes back. He's gonna need to crash. Cause we were sitting up at the improv, me, him, and Joe having a drink, we was smoking a joint and I could tell he was tired. Mentally, physically, he was fucking tired, man. And he's doing it cause he loves to hustle.

He's in the moment, but you can tell it takes it out of you, man. It fucks with you. It fucks with your body, it fucks with your mind. I mean, you want to talk about, it's not healthy to sit on a fucking compressed airplane for half of your life. It's fucked up.

I could stop doing the podcast today and go on the road every week for two or three years. You could. I could. Damn. But, but, but, I could. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

You know, you look at your life right now in a couple of weeks you're going to, with Joe to Baltimore, whatever. Yeah. You get there to first class tickets, you go across the country, you get lunch, dinner. But you earned that. You did triple runs.

Yes. And you know what it's like to get off stage and get in the car and jump on the eight hour drive you have. Oh yeah. So you could get to the hotel. Remember if you drive all night, then they're going to let you check in. Right.

And you call. And you call. Yeah. So it's, you know, all these things build up to that first class ticket. Fuck yeah. It's not just, you have to build up. Yes.

And that's why I stress all those shit things because then when you're, all these other things are easy. I fly easy. Yeah, you do, huh? As difficult as flying is, I fly easy. I give up other parts of my life to have a good time so I could fly drama free. Yeah.

That means clear, the Uber, the whole fucking thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want any drama when I'm, I just shot a movie in New York, didn't pay enough, but I'm too old to sleep on somebody's couch. Yeah, fuck that. That's not gonna happen. Fuck that.

I'm too old to sleep on somebody's floor, have somebody's kid play with me while I'm sleeping, draw crayons on my face. I gotta hear your wife making coffee. I'm too old for that, you know? There's things that you do when you first start out, start counting that people, you become friends with people. So the first time you go to Helium and Philly,

you become friends with the headliner and the MC, but the MC has a house. So you could stay there now. And next time you do Helium, come the week earlier because he's got a week of work for you. And that you only get, you don't get that online. You not only get that by going. They need to see you and you need to see that.

That's where the traveling, and it's hard to see when you're at a trailways waiting for a bus to come. Oh my God. And they dropped you off at four, and you got a two hour way to the train station and everything's closed. The tuna sandwich has been in there

for three fucking days. And you go outside the bus station and those black guys are looking at you like a fucking pork chop. I know you could eat buffet. Where you going, man? Where you going? Where you going?

You got a lighter, you got a cigarette? No, no, I don't have anything, man. Oh my God. So all these lessons, like there's nights, the bus station is right around the corner here. How many times have you driven by Greyhound over there? A bunch, yeah. And that diner, yeah.

It's down the block from that diner. You know how many nights I've been at that light and I've thought about that person at that bus station. And that was me with $2 in your pocket. Yeah. $2. The bus is coming at six a.m. And it's two a.m. bitch.

And you have a joint, you have your iPods, whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, yeah. The I-Man, whatever the discipline is. Discipline, yeah, walkman, yeah, yeah, yeah, walkman. No extra batteries, though. No extra batteries. No, you couldn't afford two more double A's?

What are you fucking nuts? The thing is starting to already, you know, Christina Aguirre is already starting to slow down. If you wanna be with me, baby, there's no, you know, I've been there. Yeah. I did all that shit. Oh, yeah.

How long is the road just exciting? Like, because for me, any time I get to do anything, I'm like, yeah, this is awesome. Like, how long until the boat starts to wear on you? It gets exciting in different ways. It gets exciting in different ways. Okay. It's like, triple, okay?

I get a call from one night, I'm sitting around, it's 1130, I'm getting the Coke ready to snort, and my paycheck goes off. And I know from the area code, it's triple. Right. So I run to a pay phone, me and my buddy run to a pay phone, I call triple, and he gives me a Monday night. All right, a Tuesday night, one night.

Northern California, where was it? It was in Boulder. Boulder, right. I lived in Boulder. I was the house emcee, I had been fired from there now. After being a house emcee for 18 months, I wasn't allowed in there, and he worked it out. The feature canceled.

So he called me the night before. The feature broke down in Ogallala, Nebraska, so I don't know. So I feature, they give me a good report. I call the next day, thank him, and he goes, I'll call you within a week to give you dates. Three weeks went by. And he called me on a Sunday night and midnight.

And he's like, hey, I'm ready to give you work. And grab a pen, you're starting in the Utah. Then you're going here, here. It's called the suck my dick run. And then you're doing the blind man run. Then you're doing the, they had the, what's the people in Utah? The Mormon run.

The Mormon run, yeah. And you have the potato run run. Right. Potato run two. Idaho. And the other one. The one you did. Missoula Montana and all that shit.

The eight ball in at Missoula Montana. And all of a sudden you're like, so what dates are these? Are they in June? Are they in April? They're Tuesday. Yeah. You're like, what? Yeah.

Getting your fucking car now. Getting your car now. Yeah, now. Like right now, you have to be in fucking Ogden, Utah, Tuesday. You have to check in at six. So I basically went home, did laundry, stayed up all night, packed, excited.

I'm going on the road, my shot. I get in my car, I drive to nine hours. I get to Utah. I tell him I'm Joe Diaz, he gives me a key. I get in my room and there's another man in my room. I'm sharing my first road gig. Yeah. I got another guy in my room.

Oh my God. And he's anti LA. If you go to LA, you're gay. Right, you're gay. Everybody's gay. Comedy has to be on the road. Real guys travel on the road. Right, right, right.

So my first night, I'm sleeping next to this guy in a bed. His feet. Same bed? No, next to him. Oh, okay. Because they ran out of hotel room. Okay. So you're always, and then they put you in those hotels

where there's a Hindu owner and you can smell the feet throughout the whole hotel. The bags smell like him. Curried the fuck up. Those are the first year. You know, you like Motel 6? Not really, but yeah. One step below.

Oh my God. Like one step below, the door don't lock, the air conditioner don't work. There's a mouse in your room. Jesus. You know, that type of shit. Then you graduate to a higher level. You know, you keep graduating, you keep scoring it.

The hotel's got a jacuzzi. You're like, oh shit. You know. It's never gonna not be exciting, man. It's just, it's different problems at every level. You know what I mean? And it's all good, but you know, you just deal with it as such.

And not to sound unappreciative, but it's like, you'll still love it. It'll just change the things that you love about it, right? Like when you start selling tickets, you love the engagement with fans and you love being like, damn, I'm really getting a fan base, right? Because before, you know, you don't have a fan base.

You're doing shows and you're trying and you're just working out, but then you get to have fans. Then you start to think, man, I wanna start selling out instead of just selling tickets. Then, you know, it just, it keeps progressing. And you start to learn the ins and outs of all of those levels. So it's like, it'll never not be fun.

Cause especially if you're not having fun at all anymore, you're fucked. I mean, the most, that's what I say. I have a tough time traveling just cause I get, I got, I just get anxious and depressed cause it's part of me a little bit. Like you just get low, you know, I'm a mishome or, you know, if I'm just like, I just don't wanna be on this plane,

but then I know I got a friend either with me or a friend I'm meeting there and I get to do fucking comedy. And the moment you get to do comedy, all that shit's gone. Comedy, comedy trumps all the issues, all the bullshit every time. So it'll never not be fun. Just there's shit that happens sometimes.

There's just shit that you gotta deal with that comes and goes and the crowds weren't that good or you didn't really love the city or, you know, you gotta bounce around or you're out of town five weekends in a row, six weekends, seven, eight, nine, you know, I'm doing 11 weekends in a row, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. But I got it cause I wanna prepare.

I wanna, I wanna try to prep up to do a new hour, but it's, it's fun as shit when I'm doing comedy. The other stuff gets tough sometimes. It's fucking annoying. You know, it's hard, but when you're doing comedy, it's like the only thing that matters. Then you're like, oh, it's all good. This is the most fucking fun,

especially if you're with a friend. And you're at the level now where you can, you're doing it with a lot of friends. That's the best, man, you know? I think as you get up, it gets a little bit more lonely. You just gotta make sure you're still taking someone with you or going with a friend or, you know, that you got people that you can link up with

in different cities. That was important to me. Well, that's what I miss from the open mic world. Yeah. All your friends, man. Four guys in a car. Yep. Going to do a gig.

The guy doesn't know you're bringing an extra guy. Right. You get there. Yeah. You know, these are the things like you, like I did, I don't like doing festivals. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not a festival.

I'm not really good at festivals. But the ones I, the one I did was a bad experience. The Toyota festival in New York in 98. Horrible experience. But the Sopranos called me. That's fucking awesome. When I was on stage, I saw the assistant to the casting director.

She just came down. So what, what didn't I like? There was no money. The Latino live festival was in San Antonio. Me and Bobby Lee broke. You know, they wouldn't pay us while we were there. Oh, they didn't give you money? No.

No per diem, no nothing. They were sending you a check. A manager took us out. Carlos Mancey, his manager at the time, took us out for dinner. That's the only way me and Bobby ate. That's how long I know Bobby Lee on top of me. You know, both of us, no money.

I think a half a joint, you know. And then I did the Seattle Comedy Competition. I did San Francisco, I left the second day. I did San Francisco too. Left. Slept in my fucking car. Yeah, Thursday I got my phone. Fuck that.

Done, I don't need this. Seattle, Seattle was great. It was a camaraderie. Six of us got in the car. We stopped and got a 12 pack. You know, even though, you know, you're not doing too good, man. You know, we're your friends.

You're not doing too good. You're at 12th place. Right. But you're going up before lead of night. Fucking Miriam. Right, right. Say every dirty joke you can't even. You're not going nowhere anyway.

Right, right, right. You're in no danger. You got two nights left. Jesus Christ. You're number 12. You got a better chance. That's how it works. You got a better chance of pulling the brody.

Right. Just go and fucking, just go and disrupt Lee's set. Lead on like dirty in front of him. Right. Go there. Here's 200. Go talk about your mother's ass. Oh God, hemorrhoids.

And watch Lee's face. That's a contest. Yeah. That's camaraderie. That's fun. Sunday, there's no show. All of us went to the Seattle C York game. Eight of us.

No money. Rolling deep. You know, one of us would get a beer and give a sip to each other. Two of us smoking a joint, you know. That's something I'll never forget in my life. Yeah. You know, do you think that'll happen in LA?

In some circles. Yeah, a little bit. In some circles. It's just a lot easier when you're young in a game. When you're young in a game and you got those eight people. What do I tell you every Monday? Did you call Eric? Did you call Viagostino?

Did you call fucking? Those are your, but those are them. I got nothing for you. I can't take you to the store with me. Right. But the Agostino got a Rumen El Centro. They give you three tacos and 25 bucks. What are you looking at me for?

Yeah, that's it. You got a call every Monday. The Agostino fucking Rodrigo. Rodrigo, the other kid, Johnny Rock, every Monday. Those are your friends. Those are who you live and die with. There's no money. There's no nothing.

It's six guys are the comedy buddies. So if one of them gets a gig, you all eat. Yeah. One of them gets a gig. He's gonna go in there and go, hey, do you know who fucking Santino is? No, I don't. He was in, I'm dying up here.

Get him in here. That's what that bond is for. Not to hang out with 18 fucking losers. You have to build that six or seven guys and you live and die with them. There's a girl, the girl's hot. She's a whore. You don't fuck her because she's gonna fuck the manager

for you to come back. You feed her to the manager. Come here, yeah. The manager, boy, she's hot. Can I come back here and feed you? Okay, listen, you have to take a bullet for the team. You have to load the manager. You know, that's the fucking eight years.

So when you come here, you're ready. You have those people. You have those guys in different locations. The one guy's at the improv. Those six guys you hung out with, three of them quit. One of them got married. The other one went to jail for snorting glue. And the other one's father's dying of cancer,

so he's gotta take care of them. So now that that's six, you got three guys that are moving to LA with you. One guy's the last factory guy. The other one's an improv guy and you're a store guy. You're getting spots at the improv now because you ran with him 10 years ago and you lived and died for that guy.

You know, when I lived in Seattle with Josh, well, if I had a feature spot, I didn't give a fuck who that line was. I didn't give a fuck who the MC was. Josh is coming with me. And if I got 200, I threw Josh 50 and bought him lunch and dinner. That's it, it's like, I'm not making money anyway.

Yeah, what's the difference? Why not make somebody else's fucking world on the weekend? Come on, get in the car. That's the balance. That's the balance. That's the whole fucking thing. Wolf was here last week talking about, he did warm-up for free, pre-fontein.

They were paying him 800 a day. He brought me down the second week and gave me 100 a day. And I was there just stealing shit. T-shirts. We were gonna plan to rob the joint. Like they raffled the car, it was a lot of extras. So for you to stay all day, they would make you raffle a car.

You go, let me give him the winning number. We'll raffle the car, I win, and then we'll sell the car and split it. I mean, that's how crazy we were. We breathe for one another as open micers. And that's what that relationship means. And Joe Rogan can't help you. Dave Chappelle can't help you, nobody can't help you.

It's a matter of fact, you don't want anybody to help you because you're having such a great time. That is the best part of this career. Is that those three or four years where you don't really care about money, there ain't no money. No, you don't make any fucking money. What do you think of my house? Yeah, that's my house.

Look how beautiful, look at the yard, look at the yard. Right there, I throw my roaches over there. I got yard, look at my little refrigerator, that's your thing, you're not gonna make no money, but you're building bonds. And that pays off. That pays off bigger than anything in the world. It's very, I was talking to somebody,

and apparently we talked about open mics and there's a clip about it, but I'm going to New York and this guy that I never met, like there's two or three people who, I went from having two spots in four days to I think I had like six or seven spots now, I never met them, and I have to go to Washington Heights, which is I think

like an hour subway ride, like the guy said it's like the last neighborhood in Manhattan, and I get eight minutes, but I'm excited, yeah, it's pretty true. You might get mugged up dead too, but that's all part, and I don't want you to, you go there with the expectation, there's a garden, there's gonna be 35 people,

there's gonna be eight people. Yeah, yeah. You gotta assume there's gonna be eight people and some guys are spitball champions. There's gonna throw a thousand fucking spitballs at you. Right. When did you start acting? 2010 or 11.

What made you? You know, I was like, I only wanted to do stand up. Right, so did I. I really wanted to do stand up. I just wanted to do stand up. Yeah, and an agent had said they wanted me to do commercials. Someone had been like, you should try commercials. You're a redhead, that's great,

they need like some people that look different, you should come out. So I tried to do a couple of commercials, and then I got one. I did like a Mike's Hard Lemonade commercial, and it ran like crazy, and it paid me. It paid me, paid me. And the agent was like, why wouldn't you try to go,

you wanna try to do acting jobs, like real jobs, do you wanna be an actor? And I was just like, I don't know, I don't know if I'm gonna be good at, or I don't know, I didn't know, you know? I also didn't know if that was, I was like, that's not viable. You know, as silly as it was,

I was like, I'm gonna make a living doing comedy, even though that was fucking insane, but I just knew it, I was like, that's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do it. And I went out for a few different things, like a hosting job, I got a hosting job doing something, and I beat out all these guys that had hosted before, for MSN, for Microsoft's homepage.

And I did it for like a year and a half, and it was fucking phenomenal. I didn't love it, but it was phenomenal money, and it got me to quit my day job, because I was working a day job, I had to fucking work this shitty day job, just to get by, because I wasn't making money. I was working in the music industry,

helping bands get visas to get overseas. It was crazy interesting, it was total on accident, I didn't even know how I got it. A friend of a friend maybe set me up, but I was doing, I would get assigned a band, and I'd have to do all their paperwork to travel the world. And I did, Public Enemy, which was amazing,

because I got to meet him, he came in. These local guys named Dilated People as a hip hop group, then I did like, we did Macy Gray, and what is their fucking name, it's a band that they rap and they rap, whatever. Anyway, I did a bunch of different bands, and I was just doing paperwork, I was a paper pusher, all day long, paper pusher, paper, paper, paper.

And this hosting thing got me to quit, and after the hosting thing, this is actually a wild story. My first job was punked on MTV, I did punked, and what happened was this girl was fucking my roommate, and she was like, oh, you're really funny, I seen you one time go up at the comedy store in the belly room, and I was like, oh, thanks.

And she goes, you know, I work for this manager, and one of his clients is looking for writers for a comedy central show. And I was like, pfft, I'd love to throw my hat in the ring, you know? And she's like, let me find out. I got an email, and they were like, send us all these bits tonight,

or come in tomorrow morning. I said, I'll write all night, I can't send you, I don't have anything tonight. So I wrote all night long, I went into their office the next day, and it turned out to be Ashton Kutcher and his partner, this guy, Jason Goldberg, who did punk together. And they were looking for someone to write this new show

for this black guy named Al Sheer, and I wrote a bunch of bits, and they loved him. And they were like, are you repped? And I was like, pfft, no man, I got an, I'm me, I wrote this on my friend's computer, you know? And they were like, well, we want you to do this job. And I was like, yeah. And they offered me like no money.

And I was like, great, I get to write on a thing? Yeah, when do you start? Today, you're here, now. So I started working on this thing, and in the middle of it, they told me they were gonna bring back punked. And I started to run the show at that point, this pilot, I was doing everything for them,

producing it, writing it, and he was like, we're bringing back punked, and we want you to write it and be on it. And fucking, that was like my first job job. And after I did punk, then I got some interest from like, CAA was like, do you wanna try to actually like act and not do like hidden camera stuff? You wanna, so I said, yeah, I tried.

And then I fucking landed a pilot. I landed this pilot that we got one season out of, called Mixology on ABC. It was like the first series I ever did. And it was all because I, it was probably because I didn't know shit about acting, because I was just being me and just having a good time. They were like, just be loose and fuck around.

They threw the words away. It was like, just do it. And the two guys that wrote it were the guys that wrote the hangover, John Lucas and Scott Moore, they wrote the original hangover. And they were like, we just want you to be you and fuck off. We didn't want, you know,

that was my first like entry into the acting world, was doing that show. And then after that, it was like, I just, I fell in love with it, man. I was like, I love doing it, you know, like, it'll never trump comedy for me ever. I've always wanted to stand up, but I, man, I fucking, it's fun.

When it's fun, it's fucking fun. When you get to work with fun people and the rhythms are right and the scenes moving fast and everyone's popping, acting can be fucking really fun. It never will get the same feeling that comedy does ever. I love it. I love it.

I love being around the set. It feels so good, man. Not continuously. No. But it's nice to do like 10 days of Paramount. Yeah, it's great. Try down Melrose, beeping people. How you doing, Cuck Sucker?

I'm going to Paramount today. You know what I'm saying? She's like a king. It's great to go to CBS Rath for two days. When they give you an hour, you walk around a lot and read. Go get some food at the commissary. Yeah, you know, it's just a,

and you know, there's always stick models. Like if you're a comic, you're not supposed to act. Fuck you. Fuck that. Fuck you, bitch. Fuck that. I saw plenty of fucking comedy. That's the perk. Yeah. That's the other perk. That's a huge perk.

And eventually you'll do four episodes of a show as a garbage man or something like that. And they treat you different. They withstand up and I love it. Like I said, I just don't know if I'm ready for it every day, 14 hours a day, six days. So I've done that. I've done it before and I'm dying up here

was two seasons of that. It was a lot of work. It was a lot of work, but it was also, you know, working with Jim Carrey and it was like working under the guise of those guys. And that was impressive to me. Being a part of the world of the original history of the comedy store,

even though we weren't supposed to, you know, we weren't a direct replica, but it was just, it is a lot of work. And when you're done, it feels really good to get back into the swing of comedy. I never stopped doing comedy when I was shooting that show. If I could get off early enough, I would go do spots. And sometimes Adam would pull me aside

and be like, you're tired, bro. Take it a couple of nights off. Yeah, I don't like that. Yeah. When you're here for a long time, you realize, you know, the worst thing in the world is having the 1030. At six o'clock and you're still on the set. Yeah, it's hard.

And there's the same left. Yeah. And they still gotta turn around. And now your leg is tapping. And now you're looking at your clock. And it's a great feeling as a comic to go. I shot today and I stopped by the store and did a set. There's no better feeling.

That's like getting a blow job and getting your ass eaten out with a fucking little straws with a long tongue or something. You can't beat it, but there's not a lot of days that you're gonna pull it off. Something's gonna suffer. Yeah. And that's what I didn't like about it. Like when I went to New York with this thing,

I had a couple of weekends I had a cancel. And you're like, Joey, why did you can't, you know why? Cause you never know. Yeah. It's a move. You get there on Wednesday and the boom breaks. Now they look at you, can you work Friday?

And now I got to call St. Louis and tell them I can't go to fucking St. Louis. I know how this business works. Yeah. I know how this, I've been down this road already. Yeah. Sometimes we actually got, you know, I was here, I did from, from 98 to 2002, I didn't say no.

Yeah, it's hard to say no. I didn't know what the word no meant. If you call me for a spot in San Diego at nine and Lee called me for one in Santa Clarita at seven, I'll make it. I'm doing it. I'll make it. Yeah.

If not, we'll figure out how to fucking make it because I guarantee you're gonna call me and go, don't come down because the Blue Jays are playing. So that, and you're like, whoo, I knew it. Right, right. So take the gig. Yeah, I always take the gig. Take the gig, burn that bridge when you get to it.

It's a $50 gig. It's not like they're there to see you. Those bar gigs, they're not there to see you. Yeah, you just get them to do them. Yeah, you just don't have to do them. So I would, I would line eight of them up at a night. Yeah. And if you did seven out of the eight, fuck.

Somebody's pissed. Fuck yeah. Somebody's calling you going, what the fuck, man? Where are you, man? We waited, next time just move on. Yeah. You know, I wasn't gonna be there. Yeah.

You know, they keep calling you. You know, I'm driving. Yeah, get the fuck over. What are you calling for? Right. And that's why you always have to leave like, you can't like, if I know I'm doing something, I won't call the store.

Yeah, no, I've learned, I've learned my lesson. I won't call the improv because then you're rushing and you get there, now you gotta follow. Or, you know, you were supposed to go up at 10, 15. Now you still gotta go down and it's 11, 30. Yeah. So you're like, what? And I don't wanna do that to everybody.

Bump everyone and fuck up the lineup. That's what I don't like to do. I don't wanna fuck it all up. It's crazy when I'm dying up here, came out. I heard what it was about, but I was so busy in my own world, I never got to watch it. When I got the call to be on it,

I, what do you call that when you watch 15 episodes in two days? Binge. Binge, yeah, you binge watch that. And I fell in love with it. Like, out of all the, listen, we all wanna be a fan of a stand-up show, but it's gotta take us somewhere where it really relates.

You know, like, and that, it related to me. Like, I was happy to be a part of that. I was happy that when they said that you were coming on. I was happy, I was happy. Everything about it, when I got there, I thought it was just another stand-up show. It was a great show, you know? It wasn't 15 years ago.

No. If it was 15 years ago, we would have had that. That show would have been on its fourth season now. Because they give you time to play with. Today they don't give you time to nothing. You got nothing. You got two episodes to make it work. And even if you pick up the last six, they're like,

but the first two episodes were just not clicking. Yeah. They just, it was just, when I got the phone call that we did a second season, I remember when they said we were gonna do a second season, I was up in Mammoth in the summertime for my lady's birthday. And I was surprised as shit.

I had no self-hold service, so I left my phone. I got back to the hotel on my phone at like 1,000 missed calls. And I was like, what the fuck? My agents and managers and all these people, cast members. And I'm like, Jesus, I pick it up. And then when I found out I got a second season, I was blown away. Cause it just, it didn't get received the same way.

People didn't hold on to the show. It was a tough show to make. It was a tough show to talk about. It was pretty, it was, it was pretty sad. It was dreary. It was negative at a lot of times, you know? It didn't have the heart. The thing that J. Leno, I think, said in an interview,

or Letterman, maybe Leno said in an interview, that the one thing about the show that he was bummed about was it didn't show how much fun we had in the seventies. He's like, we had way more fun than that. I think that was our biggest fault, was we didn't show enough fun. Enough really having a good fucking time. Cause comics have fucking,

how much fun do you have when you're fucking around? I mean, like, this is fucking, so we have so much fucking fun that the show sometimes just didn't show enough fun. It was just too dark. Now I always wanted to ask you, cause I'm this stupid. Yeah. Who was the guy that opened the comedy club

that was giving away ribs and shrimp? Who was that supposed to be at that time? Well, her competition was, cause you know, the original club, the Westwood club, there was another guy trying to open up a club, a writer on the corner from her. And I don't remember who it was. I don't remember, but there was a competition

of another club, of someone giving free food. Yeah, what was his name? Oh, I don't even remember his name on a fucking show. But right, he was giving away food, but there was another club like that in Westwood that a guy was trying to open up to boot out the comedy store. Cause people don't know, the original store was,

I mean, Westwood was where the store was. And then it came to Sunset. And I don't remember when, but yeah, she had the club in Westwood. And he, her husband had owned, he had owned the comedy store. She opened up Westwood and then she moved it to Sunset. That's how it went.

But somebody was, someone was trying to take her down. There was another guy trying to open up another club around the corner. But she faced, Mitzi faced, I mean, so much competition of people trying to like, cause there was a lot of like beatnik shows. They told us there was a bunch of other fucking roundabout shows trying to like take down a club.

Cause a club had no business there. It was kind of like, it's never gonna fucking work. Like get the fuck out of here with that. But when she stuck to it, and when she took over Sunset, it was over. She revolutionized it, man. I mean, it was just like, that was the beginning of everything.

What was the auditioning process like for that movie? Cause one of the kids in the soprano said he auditioned for it. Oh, he did? Yeah. Yeah, they came out and saw me do stand up first. They saw me and Eric Griffin together do stand up. And we were at the store first and Jim came to the store. And then they saw me again at like the improv maybe.

They saw me twice do stand up. And then they called me in to go just for the producers and all that stuff. And I did it. And then I got a phone call and they were like, all right, we're gonna show you the network tomorrow. So you gotta come in, do the same thing. And I remember walking in the room and I've been accustomed

to doing enough that I'm just, don't get nervous anymore really. I mean, I just get excited or I get, I just get like anxious and happy. Then I'm like, all right, I gotta fucking kill this. I gotta, you know, focus. And I walked in the room and Eric Griffin's fucking ass was sitting in the chair.

And as soon as I walked in, he goes, this motherfucker. And I started laughing and we were hugging and having a good time. Everybody else was like, you know, like making a more nervous cause we knew each other. And I could just feel that I was like, we're both gonna get this fucking gig. Like I just was like, I just knew,

I've known a few times that I was gonna get the gig. And I knew that time I was gonna get the gig. I could just feel it in my bones, man. Yeah, cause I'm an actor and he said that he was up for one of the roles. Yeah. And what he did was he went and did stand up one night. And he goes, when I got on stage,

I called my agent the next day and I told him I didn't want no part of that show. Yeah. Well, cause listen- It was- It was too real. They had to learn to do stand up. Half of the people on the show had to learn to do stand up.

And that was really fucking hard. What was harder, in my opinion, was us pretending that we're new stand ups in the 70s. That shit was wild, man. Like we had jokes that I would never tell now because it's 1974, but also you have to kind of pretend like you're very new to the game.

Cause none of us were pros yet, you know? When Pryor came on the show, when this guy had to play Richard Pryor, he was supposed to be the only pro. I mean, we were all amateurs trying to get spots on Carson, you know? So you kind of had to act like you were a three or four year comic.

So it was kind of hard to like change the way that you approach the stage. Cause you didn't want to have all this confidence in vigor. Cause then it would have been obvious that you were already a pro. But the idea was these guys aren't pros. I mean, none of those guys were pros, you know? They're except for the top names,

but we were supposed to be Joe Schmoe, who's trying to, you know, who's past at the store, but who's not a pro yet. Right, you're developing. Yeah, you're in her system. Who was the guy that killed himself? Well, that's based on a real guy. They did it differently.

In our show, he got hit by a bus, but in real life, he jumped off the roof of the, with now called the Andes, it's called the Hyatt. Now, was it after the Tonight Show or after Mitzi turned them down? No, and on the show, it was after he did the Tonight Show, but in real life, it was after he didn't get passed. He worked at the store.

His name was Steve Lou Betkin. That was his name. And he jumped off the roof of that hotel next to the store, the Hyatt, and he landed on the fucking parking, the ramp. But he had a note in his pocket that said, my name's Steve Lou Betkin, and I used to work at the comedy store.

It said it in his jacket pocket. And that was because of the strike. There was a comic strike, and that's what that was all about. It was like this kid was just, he was depressed and not all there, and he just knew he was never gonna get past the strike. He just thought, the strike drowned a lot of those guys. The guys that made enough money,

they could survive the strike. That is rumored to be where Letterman and Leno's split happened. Whether or not that's true, I don't know, but that's... Well, Leno went to the store. Leno went to the improv. Well, Leno crossed the picket line and performed for her. Right. Yeah, and Letterman refused to. And that was kind of the beginning of the end, apparently.

That and also the trading off, guest hosting the Tonight Show, and I think they didn't like that each other because they were both competing for the same job. That Leno ended up getting. Leno got the fucking Tonight Show after they both guest hosted, and I think Letterman wanted it.

But here's the big thing. You know who would've got that job if he didn't kill himself, Freddie Prinze. Freddie Prinze, yeah. Freddie Prinze is gonna be the host of the Tonight Show, though. That motherfucker even looked good in the TV. He was phenomenal.

He was phenomenal. And the funny thing is, if you listen to Eddie... What's his first name? Freddie Prinze. Yeah, Freddie. If you listen to Freddie live from Chicago, there's a CD, me and Rogan bought it one time. We didn't throw it out the window. It's terrible. Stand up in the 70s.

Oh, yeah. Was really, you could see where, and it's not that they progressed, or I don't know if it was the subject matter, because Pryor had some brilliant albums in the fucking 70s. That was his, you know, those Bicentennial Nigger and the one before that, those were just masterpiece. But you know why I think that was?

Because they were about him. Pryor did a lot of stuff about Pryor. A lot of other guys did a lot of stuff about what's happening in the world. What's happening in the world, right. And what's happening in the world doesn't, nothing is evergreen, right. Like nothing in comedy politically is evergreen.

Jokes that were funny 20 years ago about what's happening, probably not that fucking funny anymore, because it's not happening. We've moved so much forward, you know what I mean? So when your material is about you, like Pryor did it so well, it lives forever, because it's so personal, you know. Look at about your mom smoking crack

and sucking cock in front of you when you're nine, you know? You know what I mean? How does that, that's powerful now. I just say that now and people go, dude, fuck, that's an image. I'm not talking about Bob Dole, you know what I mean? You know what I mean?

If I could, you talk about stuff that's of the time and it's probably not gonna last. The chances are it won't last because we keep progressing societally so much. Trump jokes, everyone's doing Trump shit now. In 20 years, it'll fucking, it'll be annoying. I don't like tropical, tropical material. Well, because it doesn't, there's not a lot of,

it's hard to hold on to. Yeah. Three weeks. And then it goes away. If I got a topical joke now, I just put it on Twitter. Yeah, throw it up online. I'm just saving for Twitter because you're not gonna get nowhere with it.

At least get a laugh on Twitter for the moment. Right. Unless you're putting out specials every fucking nine months like Louie did and all those guys that put out specials year after year after year, yeah, you could probably be topical. Cause you're like, you know, cause you're shit's happening right now.

Chappelle did a ton of topical stuff in his last two specials cause he was putting them out right away. Boom, boom, you know what I mean? It was like two specials right in a fucking row. But, you know, I think that's a hard thing to do. I think comedy in the seventies, you know, a lot of that old stuff that was of the times,

yeah, it wasn't fucking good. Like it just, it doesn't hold up. You know what I mean? But guys like, you know, I think people revere guys like Hicks got a lot of love because he talked about what was going on, but from such an angry, honest standpoint that he was on this island alone a lot.

I think he liked to just be on this island alone. That's who I'm supposed to play on the show. And I think that's why, that's why he lasted posthumously, you know? He was just so fucking raw and just honest about what was happening and his spin wasn't cheeky or cute. It was sometimes it was shitty and dirty

and not even that funny, you know? He just had an angle and he stuck to it. He just kept going. When you got into comedy, who did you look at as? I mean, when I was a kid, I thought, like Eddie Murphy, like everyone says, was mesmerizing. Delirious.

It was mesmerizing. Delirious and that. I thought that was the craziest shit I'd ever seen in my life. Delirious was too much. Yeah, it was overwhelming. It made me feel like, it also made me feel like I'm probably not funny.

I remember seeing it and being like, there's no fucking way I'll ever be funny. That's funny. That's a new level of funny. I might be ha ha funny. Funny ha ha. Yeah, this motherfucker is, that's what, that's comedy. And then as I started to dive into,

like becoming a big fan of comedy, you know, I liked Carlin a little bit, but the guys that I was falling in love with style wise, that I was like obsessed with when I was young was like, you know, I mean, I loved Geraldo. He was somebody I always- I loved him.

I thought he was so cool. His style was great. So unique in his own shit. I loved Hedberg because I was fascinated by one liner guys. And then, you know, I gravitated to like, then I started to change my tastes

and I gravitated to guys more like Burr. Burr has always been kind of the hero of comedy to me. I'm like, that's the guy. He's the fucking, he to me is the guy, you know? I always loved Chappelle. I liked rock, but even before Bill was famous to the country,

comics always knew him. He's been doing comedy for so long. Now people, everybody knows Bill. I go anywhere and somebody knows Bill Burr, but you could ask someone 15 years ago, those numbers were much different, you know? I mean, fucking Rogan was just talking to me the other day about,

he was like, you know, I only started doing theaters like, I don't know, what did he say? Five, six years ago, he stopped doing clubs. I was like, wow, that's such a short, like I thought it was longer. He's like, no. And now he's doing fucking arenas like that.

I mean, the way your brain works of how long someone's been big in comedy, it doesn't, it's hard to tell, you know what I mean? Unless you're them, it's from an outside perspective, I thought Joe's been doing big shit for so long just cause it feels that way. No, he's like a very old school guy. So he liked the control of it.

It's weird that he's doing arenas because I know that, but you, like, I don't know how long, how many theaters I've done, not on my own, but with other people. And I'm just getting a hang of them now. That tough, right? It's a different beast, man. It's a different animal.

But once you get the hang of them, you're like, okay, I could do this. You know, when you think of Sebastian being at the garden, you're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I still think that. How are you? But when you work yourself up to that, you'll see it, it's nothing.

Yeah. You know, the guys like me and you that have never gone out in front of 18,000 people at one shot and learned to control 18,000 people and see how long it takes them to hear your joke and how long it takes for you to get the laughter back. Right. It's a bigger venue.

You know, it's not. Oh, I'm learning that. It's not a smaller room where it's- It's bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. You're not in the original room. You can't jump on them like that. They, you lose them. Right.

You'll lose them. The bounce system is- Fucking. Which, I gotta tell you, compared to 10 years ago, yeah, you'll hear somebody burp now. You hear their fucking intestines. You know, we have that technology. Yeah.

You know, people said that went to see Sebastian. Yeah, you watched them, but you also watched them out of there. Yeah, that's- You know, what did you do if you had $50 tickets? You watched them out of there. But the sound was great. But as a comic, you think of being in that arena. Yeah.

I'm saying that arena of 15,000 plus people in the room. It's a lot of fucking people. Oh, yeah. We did- A lot of people to control. You did what? 13,000 in San Diego, me and Joe. One show.

On 420. Or two shows. One show. 13,000. 13,000. Yeah, in San Diego. In the round. And then two weeks ago, we did Chicago and that was 9,000.

Jesus. It's one show. One show. So it's that 9,000. 9,000. I still remember going to the Vic with him. Yeah. And then barely selling out the Vic.

Yeah. Maybe six, seven years ago. Yeah, and then look at that. And then last year we did just one year ago, we did Chicago Theater two shows. Sold the fuck out, sold the fuck out. Those are 4,200 a piece or something like that? Chicago Theater is 4,200 or 32.

Maybe 32. 32. And man, going from that to go back the next year to play the UIC Pavilion to do 9,000 was fucking, it was, it was, it just, arenas feel so different. I don't know how to say it, but like clubs to theaters, it's different, but it's still intimate in a way. Theater, but arenas have no intimacy.

None. You can't really connect with the front rows. Theaters, you still can kind of connect with this young, the chunk of people in the orchestra rows, but arenas, the stage is so fucking big. I mean, the stage is 30 feet by 20 feet. It's fucking huge. That's huge.

It's fucking huge. That's huge. I mean, what's the store? The store, the original room stage might be. Four feet by eight. Yeah, man. It's fucking, there's nothing there. The piece of plywood.

Right, it's right there. And even the main room stage is not even that big. It can't be that much big. It's just higher up with a bigger room. What was the size of the stage? 30 feet. 30 feet by 20 feet. Jesus, you gotta run back and forth.

Yeah, it's absurd. But I'm gonna get on stage. How's the education of Joe Rogan been? Phenomenal. It's an education and a half. Phenomenal. Yeah. He's watching, being friends with Joe

and watching Joe grow himself and stand up to get to these next levels and me being there to watch it. I don't know how to, I can't really put it in words. It's beautiful. It's beautiful to watch. Somebody that I like as a human

and as a comedian grow to this next level. I'm physically watching it with my own eyes. I mean, he's never done arenas before. I'm watching him do them now with me. And I texted him today because they just released tickets for him and Chappelle are doing Tacoma, the Tacoma Dome. I think it's like 20, I have no fucking idea.

I think it seats 18,000 or some shit like that. And I texted him, I said, dude, what the fuck? And he goes, right? Is in this fucking, I was like, that's him and Chappelle doing an arena at a scale that I don't think comedy's been this way and not since I've been in the game. I've never heard.

Since the late 90s. Yeah. You gotta remember one thing, grown old sucks. Yeah. Really does. Sure. If you're back, you go to bed earlier, your dick don't get hard when you use it.

Yours does. Mine does, thank God. But I will tell you something. What the best thing about getting old is it's seeing people's growth. Yeah. It keeps you alive. Here, I'm gonna blow your mind.

First time I went out and rode with Joe, he was a $3,000 week comic and he couldn't sell out seven shows at the Improv in Miami. Right. Sold out the weekend. Right. But Thursday was men's amends, Wednesday was men's amends. So that's been a growth of 21 years.

Yeah. If you're not into this for 21 years, it's not gonna work. If you're not all in with both your guns, feet, I don't care what you don't like. Sorry, doesn't really matter. I'm sure along the way Joe didn't like 1,000 things either. Right. But I don't want you to fathom that around your head.

He was a, when he was on news, ask him. When he was on news radio, one of the first gigs he did was Caroline's and he lost money on the gig because the plane ticket was more than what he got. Right, right. Plane ticket was more than they paid him. Now this is at the 98th. He had been doing comedy maybe for 12 years.

So if you're willing to take a loss in comedy in 12 years, what are you talking about? Yeah, you must really fucking care. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's wild. So that's what, watching him doing what he's doing, him watching us, me and Ari were his bag handlers. Yeah.

And it was me, Ari, him and Red Band. Red Band, it was the camera attack, Duncan, me and Ari. Three guys in front of him doing ten a piece. It's wild. Fuck, fuck, and people used to tell him you shouldn't bring Diaz and Ari, they're losers. And he used to go, wait, wait. Just fucking wait.

Just fucking wait. I see it. You guys don't see it because all you're looking at are ticket sales. Right. But I see it from the comedy. They're killing at the comedy store. Shut the fuck up.

And that was the education of Joe Rogan. I think 40% of when I leave on Thursday and come back on Sunday is based on Joe Rogan, how he taught me to live on the road, act. You know, I was telling somebody here the first time he called me and said, let's go work out. I'm like, are you fucking, we're on vacation. Yeah.

Who works on the vacation? Yeah. Work out, go fuck yourself. Work out. You'd see him an hour later, all sweaty, telling you how good he feels. I feel better. I've been over here watching Law and Order,

smoking reef, the sausage sucked from the pizza place. And you're the other sweating like a pig. Guess what? I fucking work out on the road now, you know what I'm saying? You gotta get on the stage, your legs gotta be strong. You know, all those little things I learned from Joe. Joe is an educated, you know, this whole thing is a journey full education.

Yes. That's all this is. That's all. And at the end of it all, you go, Jesus Christ, I'm really fucking happy I did that. And I'm happy I didn't take that construction job. My uncle had, I would have never been a carpenter. True.

You know, and I would have still been freezing my ass off. And that's the thing people have to look at. You have to look at the time. Like I said before, put your head down, put the fireman's hat on. You know, that shit the way it's designed, so shit falls off it. Right.

That's what being a standup is. As a matter of fact, that's what life is. Is you taking hits and keep going forward. Yeah. Your cat dies, you always get cut. You know what I'm saying? You didn't get the promotion you wanted. What are you gonna do?

Fucking put a note on your jacket and jump off a bridge every time that happens. You'll be out of fucking lives. Right. You know, so that's all this is. Take the hit. But the fucking Rogan education was the one that really, he hit the last nail of the work ethic,

how everything had to go for me. I knew what I had to do. He turned the last screw and I was off and running after that. Yeah. And I was off and running after that. He just had certain principles. You know, Rogan's a straight decent guy, very generous. I'm a criminal.

We have nothing in common. Right. We only have one thing in common, Joe and I. That we, how holy we hold the religion of comedy. Yeah. How sacred we hold the religion of comedy. I don't give a fuck about anything, my friend. I really don't.

I give a fuck about that little girl. I give a fuck about my wife, but if she wants to go, she gotta go. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You know, there's so many things in this life that are replaceable. Comedy is never gonna be replaceable in my life

or your life. No. It's never gonna be replaceable. I never wanted it to be replaced like in KLS. Yeah, all the other shit sucks. A baseball game or a basketball. When you fall in love with comedy, nothing else matters. Yeah.

There's only one thing that matters. The pussy you're gonna get afterward and the joint you're gonna smoke before. Where can people find you, brother? Go to andressantino.com for tour dates. I'm going to San Diego this weekend. So come out and see me in lawyer, comedy store. Oh, that's a good one.

Love it, man. Tickets are fucking thinning out. They're almost selling out already. Good for you, man. Dude, that's one of my favorite fucking venues on Earth. Oh, that air. By the way, if you're ever down there, there's a little place called El Pascador,

which is the fish market. It used to be on the other side of La Jolla in a little shack. Now it's big, but it's all fresh cut, fresh caught, fresh cut, fresh cooked. How far from the club? Throw a baseball down the street. Right down the street.

Oh shit. Yeah. It's brand new building. They used to be in a little shit shack. Now it's there, but they catch it, cook it there that day. So if you ever get a chance to go El Pascador, I prop them up every time because every time I go, if you like seafood, fuck me, man.

So when they're out, they're out. It's not like, yeah, we got some more in the back. It's like, that's what they got. It's there, they'll cook it right there that day. They catch it, clean it, cut it, cook it that day. And if they're out, they're out. It's not like, you got some more halibut in the freezer? Like they got what's there and that's it.

And it's some of the best fucking seafood I've ever had in my life. Every time I go to eat there, three meals a day, man. Cause up here, it's like, we got sushi in LA, but there's not a lot of good seafood joints in LA. What are you for breakfast there? I like to get either tuna sashimi, you know, with chips, you know, or I get tacos.

I like tacos in the morning. Breakfast tacos? Fish tacos, hell yeah. Breakfast fish tacos, yeah. I love that shit. You're a bad motherfucker. I love that shit, dude. We don't get that up here like that.

I mean, you can get that stuff. You can get it at Mexican restaurants up here, but there's not a lot of like fisheries and eateries. Like they have, like how the East Coast does. They don't do that up here in LA, unless you're right by the water. I don't live anywhere near the fucking water. But this is that, when I go down there,

that's El Pascador is my fucking spot. So come out and see me in LA, go to andressantino.com for tickets and then Cheeto Santino on Twitter and Instagram and all that jazz. Where'd Cheeto come from? I was playing basketball in East LA. I told this story on fucking, on TV one time.

I was playing basketball when I first moved here. I was playing basketball in East LA with these guys from Boyle Heights and all these Mexican dudes. They were making fun of my legs because I have orange leg hair. And he kept being like, man, you got fucking like orange leg hair dog.

And I was like, yeah, and this dude, we're drinking at the bar afterwards. He's like, it's fucking gross, motherfucker. It looks like if you ate a bag of Cheetos and then you wiped the finger dust all over your motherfucking legs, player, and they all lost it. I mean, everyone was like, Cheeto leg motherfucker.

So they kept calling me Cheeto and it's stuck. Like it was such a term of endearment that was shitting on me. I loved it. I was like, that's so fucking funny. So they would call me Cheeto, Cheeto, Cheeto. And then when I signed up for Twitter and all that shit, I was like,

what am I fucking name gonna be? Andrew Santino on here. It's like something more fun. And Cheeto, Cheeto Santino just, it's cat, it's just catchy. Do you know this couple of weeks ago, I brought you up and I said, Mr. Santino? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I wanted to call you Cheeto, but I'm like, I'm not sure. You could. Fuck, I love that shit. I better be fucking, I better make sure. Because I didn't know who the fuck Cheeto Santino was. I knew it was you, but also non-stage. You got to mind fart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We call those things a brain fart. Yeah. And he's like, who's coming up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like the worst is Faheem Amor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see how I say his name?

Yeah, yeah, Faheem. It's beautiful. Yeah. Get me on stage. Who's up next? Faheem Amor. Coming to the stage for Bebe. I can't say it.

Habib, Habib. Yeah, I loved the kid. And I feel so fucking bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I gotta bring him up, who's up next? Faheem Amor. Oh, you're gonna love this guy, Comedy Central.

Coming to the stage for Bebe Amor. And as I'm walking, I'm like, oh, I'm fucking sorry. And you a couple of weeks ago, I was up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having a great time. I was like, who's my Michael's name? Whatever. Andrew Santino.

Ah, okay. And I'm like, is it Andrew? Oh no, he said Santino. Yeah, he just said Santino. They usually just call out Santino, are ya? Do I use Cheeto? Do I use Andrew? What the fuck do I use?

Right, right, right. When your brain gets stuck in those fucking modes. I don't, people yell to me Cheeto all the time. I get on stage now. People yell Cheeto. I don't know why people, it's stuck for some reason. People love it. People in the street yell Cheeto to me all the fuck.

If they don't call you a nickname, they don't like it. I know that's true. Yeah, I'll take it. I don't give a fuck. I like it. Cheeto. So where can they find you? AndrewSantino.com.

AndrewSantino.com. Go there, look at numbers, look at the dates. And he's a great young man. He's making things happen. Support, bitches. Don't forget, I will be at the Funny Bone in Columbus the 29th and 30th. And then I will be at the rec room in Orange County

on July 5th, one show, eight at seven o'clock, seven or eight o'clock. You got to go on the website. It's gonna be easy after you fucking lit firecrackers and you ran from the Chinese people. You come and hang out with Uncle Joe. And I think Saturday and Eddie Bravo's down there with Sam Trippley.

How you like me now, bitch? But before we go, we always gotta talk to you about a few things. Number one, listen. Why walk around with that stinky, filthy asshole? And why are you still using fucking toilet paper? If you got shit on your leg, would you wipe it off with paper?

No, you wipe it off with paper and a little bit of water to remove and then you'd sanitize your leg with fucking one of those Ajax strips or whatever the fuck. Things develop in your asshole. Things develop germs, odors, stenches. You gotta stay on top of this thing. Ever since I got my fucking Hello Tushy portable bidet,

my life has changed. My personality has changed. I've been more patient. I've been more understanding why because my asshole is clean and I'm confident. If I was single and some chick said, I wanna eat your asshole, I'd give her a bib and tell her go ahead.

My asshole is tip-top magoo. It might have a little wang up there for the 56 years, but there ain't no fucking shit in there, you understand me? And they got a ton of stuff. Go to hellotushy.com right now. They got bamboo towels. They got different colors to match your bathroom.

It comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee. Like I told you before, why kill a tree when you can wipe your ass with nice water? And I'm not talking about toilet water. It's got germs on it, recycled water. This is water that comes out from the same thing as you're drinking water. Why?

It's seven minutes to install a Tushy. That's it. Listen, I've been pushing these people for years. Why? Because it's a good, dependable product. Lee, do you still have your Tushy? Absolutely. How many years has it been?

Three or four, I think. How many shits have you taken? Thousands. Okay. Hundreds of thousands. Listen to me. HelloTushy's the way to go. Go to hellotushy.com right now.

Take a look at the different colors, the different prices. But they start at $69. And they don't get no better than that. I'm sick and tired of you having a stinky fucking asshole. And in the daytime, you got nothing to do. You could dip your nut sack in there. Let the potato water hit your nut sack. And it's like fucking refreshing.

You understand me? So I'm, and listen, oh, ladies, if your pussy stinks, HelloTushy's there to help you too. You push that little bat into the water and put some fucking staminke in there and you're fucking tip top magoo. You go on that date, especially in the human states. Your nut starts stinking up a storm.

Your asshole melts. You don't need it. Go to hellotushy.com right now. Press in. Church. Bam! And get 20% off delivered to your fucking house. You can have it installed between seven minutes.

How many tools to take you? None. None. This is what I'm saying. You could be a complete fucking moron. And still install the Tushy Buddha. You don't need a plumber. You don't need your mother to help you.

You're fucking father-in-law. Fuck that motherfucker. Go to hellotushy.com right now and get your portable Buddha. All right. Number two, honet.com. I love honet. I've been working with honet for seven fucking years now.

I love everything they got. From the shroom tech sport, the shroom tech immune, you don't get sick. The shroom tech sport gives you more oxygen to your lungs. The alpha brain, the protein powder, the fucking sausages, the CMT oil. You cannot lose with honet. Go to honet.com right now and press in.

Church. Bam! 10% off delivered right to the fucking crib. You don't gotta leave your house. That's how good honet is. And I told you, alpha brain, they got a money back guarantee and they don't want the product back.

Who else does that? That's a company that stands behind a product. That's a company that you could trust. Go to honet.com right now and press in. Church. Boom! 10% off delivered right to the fucking crib. I want to thank my man, Andrew Cheeto Santino.

I want to thank the Christ killer. But I want to thank you guys for always having my back and supporting the podcast. That's it and that's that. See you motherfuckers next week, Columbus, Ohio. It's myself and Steve Simone. We're going to rip that fucking town up. And we're going to Stout to work out.

I love my girl over at Stout. Crew Hope is the fucking, the real deal Iggy teaches on Saturdays. It's a fucking party. Sidekicks with Jesus. I love you motherfuckers. See you on Thursday. Ready to rock, tip top.

McGill, don't forget. Lee Sianis at Skank Festival Friday and Saturday. 12 o'clock show on Saturday. Four o'clock show on Friday. Go support. It's up in the cave up there and fucking. Where is it? It's in Brooklyn, the Brooklyn Bazaar.

There you go. Cocksuckers, stay black. I love you. Kick this motherfucking muley. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers.

I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers.

I love you motherfuckers. Oh. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers.

I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers.

I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers.

I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I love you motherfuckers. I always keep it under my finger. That's the spot where you might think that you might see some type of pressure in my mind. Hey! It comes from the water.

It comes from the water. It comes from the water. It comes from the water. It comes from the water. It comes from the water. Like holy water, it only finds you as you think you'll ever try this time with me Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Bring it up, see right through me, cut the rope and tear my knees

Fall in love with every single time Yeah, it comes tomorrow It comes to wash away the sins of you without a storm See, like holy water, it only finds you faster than you'll ever try this time with me Thanks for watching!