Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #695 - Earl Skakel

Episode Date: June 25, 2019

Earl Skakel, a stand up comedian, actor heard on "The Jellies", and host of the "Inappropriate Earl" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio!  This podcast is brought to you by:   Vincero Watches - Get yours at Vincerowatches.com and our listeners get 15% off when they use promo code CHURCH.   Upstart.com - The revolutionary lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Check them out at www.upstart.com/church   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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There you go the church of what's happened now mother fuckers Earl Staker the Christ killer Uncle Joey Oh Equal opportunity music gays and jumping up and down. I love it I What's up girls cake, dude, I love Judas Priest. I love Judas Priest We're all my fucking heart. I seen them open up with this song once and it blew me the fuck away on this tour

Oh, they're gonna be like 83 or something 83 84 They blew me the fuck out of it. They came out to silence no motorcycle And you just heard that little Glenn tipped and guitar was like Jesus Christ. What's up, brother, dude? It's an honor. It's an honor for you to be I saw you the other night I've been thinking a lot about yeah, and I keep seeing and forgetting because I'm at the store on Comedy business not on podcast business and when I get in the car and I slam the door and I'm driving up world came I'm like fuck. I didn't ask her when he was available And I saw you the other night briefly and I was gonna get right back to you in there

And you know how the stories? Oh, yeah, you just disappear into a fucking crowd and there you go You don't know if you're gonna see him anymore like Paulie. Well, I mean, I didn't you know I know you've got a thousand people hitting you up to be on it. I'm shy with I'm just you know, I don't ask It's just cuz I'm good. I don't want to be a pain in the ass. No, it's weird. I Always like finding a hook for people That's what people understand like sometimes some people come to me go I want to be in the podcast. Yeah, I want to have you on the podcast also

Let me wait for a hook There's got to be something a topic something happens in your life Something happens at the store a generality. Sure and we get you in there I'd rather get you in there the hook and just walk you in and Not fucking have anything to talk to you about. Yeah, I mean I get it You know, it's still I mean I've wanted to come on for a long time. Yeah, it's you know, it's the weirdest thing I like to have people on the show that I know. Yeah, for sure. They'll have some sort of relationship with or I know a lot about it's the people who hit you up that you don't know at all

Like you just don't know these people like I want to be on your show. Oh, who the fuck are you? You know, I don't even know you So it wouldn't work. We'd be we'd have to play catch up for an hour before the show started Right and then do the fucking show most people have a background This I like all I need is one thing to relate to and we could spread out the podcast, you know So I'm sorry if it took long to get to you. Oh, no I mean the reason why I wanted to be on is because you keep it real, you know, you're gonna see gonna do Well, there's a lot of people who don't what else are you gonna do? I mean, I cannot

I'm older already, you know, well, I'm gonna come in here and fucking You know, yes, that was at the park with my daughter. I'm sitting there and My daughter's playing with some girl and the husband is talking to my wife and the guy's wife is standing there staring off into fucking Jupiter And we're sitting there having a good time and a fucking guy walks on here some fucking Far and I don't know and he's coming in with a white wife and They start yakking and talking and he's loud and he's a noxious the guy and he's like, I wish they sold beer at the park You know, what are you fucking talking about? Shut the fuck up

He's like I like to tie one on at the park, you know, I just I didn't know my fucking point was but It's just weird how you know who's gonna work on the podcast for you, you know, who's not Oh, sure, you know, you don't want to have a bad podcast you at least people want Them to get something out of the podcast. My point was about that guy Was that he was the biggest fake? Right. He was a typical You know studio city fake fucking dad

The wife had the yoga bag for everybody knows she went to yoga, you know, they had the crib Out loud. He talked about auditions and the new movie he got in Japan, you know, people won't don't do that That's not how I grew up with people Shut the fuck up. I remember when they went away. I finally looked at my wife I'm like, thank God that motherfucker got the fuck away from me My wife came you look like what I don't even want to hear that shit right fucking Sunday Save it somewhere else, you know, I can't be that type of person. Well, that's why I love you I can never be I can never

Oh one credit cards and being a vacation and jump up and down and tell people I'm having a good time You owe fucking 20,000 on credit cards. What good time to jab, you know, they're eating everything you're eating You're looking at like a fucking bumpy, you know people who You know Drive a car to impress people. I'm over that shit. Like I'm over all that shit, you know, like I was over that when I was 21 right, you know, so The only way I know how to treat people is just

You know, the way you're supposed to be treated nice and simple. Yes If I like you, I like it. If I don't like you keep fucking walking You know, why fuck with people? Why give somebody a False whatever you may not like somebody or something one take, you know, the greatest thing about Earth is that we're all not perfect And we all don't have to like the same movies and we all don't like to have to like the same music That's the best thing about being an American. I think about being in this planet is that you have that option Because in some places you don't well, no, we all have that option of You don't like that person you you were raised well enough not to tell that person you don't like them

But you avoid them, but I find the older I get it's harder for me to hold When I don't like someone in like if I don't like someone they know Well, they know because of your body language. Yeah, absolutely No shit like that, but I don't have the heart to tell somebody let's never don't like unless they're getting on my last function I'm trying to have a good time. Then you have to tell people exactly, but I Wouldn't want somebody to tell me they didn't like me. So I use it the same way You know when somebody's in your corner when I dumb, you know, we're not talking 10 anymore You know when somebody lives and breathes for you, and you know when somebody's in the Queens

Absolutely, there's a big fucking difference when you know that person will live and die for me But that person's just a hello goodbye. Good to see you. What are we doing lunch? Let's get together. I love your podcast You know when you're gonna have me on I'm gonna have you on yours and all that shit people want to hear out of you it is kind of weird though like my My my go-to is always like I I Don't talk I try to say hi and get out of the way like I don't I don't really stick around But it is kind of weird sometimes when you feel like you're putting out like hey I'm not really a huge fan of you and they just stick around and like they won't they can't take a hint

Like I never want to be an issue. I never want to have someone like oh, he's overstaying his welcome So like I but there's some people who do the opposite of that Well, they just don't get social cues like someone has their back turned to you They don't want to talk to you right. It's pretty good. I mean I Don't know I was raised just to be Straightforward people. Yeah, thank you. Listen. You gotta lie to get a piece of pussy. You gotta lie to get a job You know I'm saying I'm like, yeah, you ever you ever go to move the moon before all the time I was just there last week, you know, whatever to get a job

So, you know when we all first start dating a girl or girls for women don't listen When you start dating a guy all of a sudden you love the Boston Red Sox too, you know, I'm nothing Gives you permission to go buy a hat to wear the game with us to look like a fucking idiot. Take the fucking hat off You like hockey and fucking ice skating, you know, it's the same thing we do, you know on the first day You like cats. I love cats. You don't fucking like cats. You'll kick that motherfucker. She's gone around But we all have to tell those little white lies. I get that But to be dishonest with somebody like the guys I have respect for the most and call me as bookers Were the people who looked me in the face and said listen, you're too blue to work on my club

Right as a feature act get some credits and call me back With I am very tight with those people today Because they told me what their business called for And what I needed to be to work in their business. It's the people who come up to you at the store and go, hey You want to go to my club in san antonio and you're like, yeah Send the tape and I'll get you in there and you send the tape and I never pick up the phone Then you don't see him for three or four years and you see him And they don't talk to you. They give you some excuse. I never got any messages

I never got your tape And then one day you get booked on comedy central premium blend And they put an offer in me Hey, Joey. Yeah, how you doing, man? It's great to see all your success and you sit there and you want to smack them Say something to him because now I have people contacting me that would not even answer the phone for me Oh, yeah, it's very funny and they're happy for my success. They're all happy I look at them. I'm gonna take their fucking envelope I don't give a fuck. Don't even hit me with that. We all know what this is

We all know what this is. This is no likey. Nobody's likey. Nobody We all know what this is. Okay You come in you watch the first show for 10 minutes You wait till after the show you tell me how the sensational set that you like the particular joke And then I don't see you the rest of the weekend. You make your money and I make mine That's exactly what we are and when you understand that It makes everything when you understand exactly what position you're in It makes your life your career that much easier

Sure, you know, you're working a restaurant and you're a dishwasher And you're like, I know how to make this give this place And you go up to the owner. You're like, why don't you do a happy hour on tacos? And he looks at you like you're you got three fucking heads like going to the back kitchen But you're a fucking retard. You're a dishwasher, you know It's kind of the same fucking thing, you know Well, I just wish uh You know like adam at the comedy store when he showcased me he was like

Dude, I know everyone's telling me I gotta pass you because they love you and you've been up here forever But if you don't do well, I can't pass you And that's great. That's all I wanted to hear adam is very Very very honest. Oh, I love adam has been thrown and I give my props to adam Absolutely in a big way. He's done for people adam is the talent coordinator at the comedy store Before we started the podcast Earl and I were talking about the comedy store when I first got there And if you knew what the comedy store was then and you know what the comedy store is now It's still a fucking major art hub in Los Angeles on the west coast

But now it has rules that are enforced There was always loose rules Mitsy always had rules for certain people certain people get away with certain things Well leek could get away with I can't get away with him. Earl could get away with I can you know what I'm saying? Oh, absolutely With adam it's pretty blatant and I've heard adam Be honest with people Like one of my first two months at the store. I was just standing by the wall And there was no school comic there and he was bugging adam

And adam answered him like listen, there's just no room for you here The industry wants younger acts blah blah blah blah My heart sunk For the guy. So my heart sunk for the guy. He's been around for 30 years Great comic movies the whole thing, but it's true You're 60 and there's no room for you here anymore. Oh, yeah, it's time to move on Some other talent coordinator will go. Hey calling for spots on monday and pass the buck. That's what tommy would have done Right pass the buck to paulia peter

Or whatever. I really appreciate adam. Oh, I mean adam has turned That place around the first talent coordinator when I was there also helped my career immensely He broke it down All right, and I loved him. I still talked to him on facebook. He lives in africa where the fuck you live scott day scott day did not play Scott they knew what the time it was down there. He knew that the place was run He kept a little bit of semblance and he would give you advice You want more spots? Don't call him for thursday friday saturday

Let me know you're available the whole fucking week and you're like, oh, I got it now He would tell you little things. He would talk to you at night. He would still be there at 10, you know, right? Which for you that's very rare of adam I gotta take my hands off the adam tommy was there to steal Wow Yeah at night But the guys before tommy the talent coordinators They really didn't hang till after 8 30 8 30 they would be there having a drink

And they'd fucking believe they didn't have really relationships with agents They didn't have relationships of management The guy after fucking My guy scott day that left was there and I missed the movie Because he didn't really like me and paramount called for me for an audition. They didn't know how to get a hold of me He never said nothing to me. I found that years later from paramount Yeah, they hired me for something different and said we wanted you for this We called the store three times and left messages. We didn't know how to get a hold of you

So there was a lot of that shit going on where I don't like Earl mitzvahs to Earl, but I'm not an Earl favorite Right, so when william morris calls here looking for Earl skakel I tell him I don't know what his number is. I don't even know what he's talking about How And I think I know the answer, but I'd be interested to hear to you guys talk about it How much of this business is fair and how much of it is stuff like that just who who likes you Like is there any fairness in this business? There's yourself to a simple question. Is life fair? Not really then why would fucking economy be fair?

Yeah, I mean, there's also what you consider fair. Nothing is fair. And that's what you consider fair And in this business, you're gonna see a lot of different things like in any business You know, it's like when you work for a loan company you quit high school While you were in high school, you work for a fucking lumberyard Okay, you start in the back. They promote you to the cutter Next, you know, you're loading next know your driver Next, you know, you're running the place in the back You're actually the general manager. He talked you out of college

To be his general manager and the thing Then another guy leaves now they move you inside And you're a fucking, you know, the whole business from the inside and the outside Now you're the general manager you're there for 20 years and the owner's about to retire Who's gonna be the fucking number one man You hopefully we'll guess what happens. He's got a son right who's a retard And he went to Harvard and you know any time in the 20 years of his existence. He walked into that lumberyard Three zero, right twice to pick up checks to go out down the shore with his buddies

And now that fucking jerk off Is gonna come in and be your boss and not only is it gonna be your boss He's gonna come in and change the system around because he's a college boy. He learned by that and fucking The people who deliver for you, you know Uber delivers So he's gonna cut the lumberyards and have uber eats or live his fucking plywood. It's amazing So is that fair that you gave your whole life for a company? And now this this guy had a much son and now he comes in

Never spent the summer you never loaded a roof with you in the summers never came in on the summer job Is that fair not really all right then, you know, I'm not saying nothing racist here Not saying nothing racist Me and our scapegoat the agents We've been working the streets of our life for 10 fucking years in san francisco. Okay Lee is Puerto Rican he just graduated Emerson with a social social economics degree and the fucking a law degree

All of a sudden you come in Me and Earl put transfers to go to miami Guess who gets the job you because you're spanish and they need one extra guy down there So me and our scapegoat gotta keep sucking dick and sacramento Smoking meth with a bunch of dirty white people till I teeter it up. You follow me So everybody catches a break at the end of the day I gotta explain some to you before you get negativity in your mind

Even an old dog gets a warm spot on the sidewalk At the end of the day it all fucking evens out I think so you're gonna be shafted in this fucking life You have to accept that you're gonna be fucked in this life You go home and drink and jump up and down but eventually Somebody's gonna be in your position And you're gonna fuck them for it all evens out So all that bitching and crying you did when you were 31 how you got fucked and you deserved it

And you went to brown for four years and you were a genius and you were part of the chess club That all goes out the window because it all evens out For years I cried now i'm sitting here telling you what there was nothing to cry about There was nothing at all to cry about this whole thing evens out You just have to give it a shot And keep trying You know there's gonna be those auditions you go in eight times They make you take your shirt off

They make you dance They make you come in early in the morning and read from the stars in the movie And you're not gonna get it. They're gonna go with a penguin You're gonna be there all week long all week long three times with the same three white guys The same three white guys. This is nine episodes of modern family league This could change your life forever get you a theatrical agent get your spots in town You go in monday. They love you. You go on tuesday for producers. They love you You go on wednesday for networking producers. They love you same three guys me you and erl all three days

You you wish erl gets hit by a bus And if joey dears could get hit by a bolt of lightning you would give up your fucking pension to the jewish gods That's how you feel after the third day that you see erl skakel and fucking joe dears the same audition And they're both going for the same thing you're going Guess what these motherfuckers do to you? They make you come back again on thursday and they make you reread the fucking thing And then guess what they do to your friday? They make you come down again And read with the star of the fucking tv show

At 10 in the morning So now the rest of the fucking day you can't even fucking focus On what's going on? You're thinking about you heard erl and he sounded better in the audition and joey dears brought in a white shirt And fucking you fucked up and you're thinking all this now It's saturday morning your girlfriend wants to suck your dick But you can't let her suck your dick because all you're thinking about is this role And how it's going to change your fucking life and how you're going to get spots now and people going to respect you

And you're going to get eight episodes our modern fucking family and sunday when you go to your parents house You know you want to hear their fucking voice When they're feeding you the potato pancakes and they're lighting candles on the yarmulke or whatever you fucking blowing them out Fuck you. You can't even focus and monday morning at eight fucking 30 the first call is your agent You're about to answer it. You got the fucking roll. You pick up the phone. They go. Hey We just want to tell you they went with somebody else and you go goddamn it It was joey because of the white shirt and they're like, no, they changed their mind. They went with a black guy And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you talking about? Is that worse? That it's it's not it's i'm not saying a black guy could say a chinese one. I'm just saying They change it to a woman they do that to you But then one day guess what we're sitting in this room Elsekakel Well one night steven spielberg walks into the school store and falls in love with her What's the right to story? It's possible fucking page blockbuster

85 million dollar budget And one day your phone rings and it's her and he goes. I want you to shoot 11 days on my movie And you sit there and go do after addition. No, no, no, just go to wardrobe get fitted. You start next monday And that's how life works and remember that tv show that you read for a modern family, right? Well the season you were going to read for it wasn't hot no more The gay guy got shot during the all season Everybody watches the show no more So you're all that panicking and crying you did and all that stardom you built up in your head

What's for nothing Well, how how hard is it then to win the good things happen? How hard is it for you to keep a keep a level head and not get too excited because eventually it's gonna end Right like do you have to worry about that? When I got here, I saw a very important lesson. I saw a man by the name of tom rhodes With long hair At the improv and his show had just been canceled And you know look on his face like his show had been canceled

But he went up on stage and rocked the mic And at that moment I said no matter what you do you always be a stand-up They can't take that away from you right there at that moment. It was my Seventh comedy year of doing comedy. Maybe eight years of doing comedy I realized at that moment that we were something special because we did comedy If I fuck jesse smell that up the ass I won't ever work on tv no more, right? They'll never hire me on tv no more They find the picture me with jesse fucking them with a rope around his neck

Wherever the trump hat on I'm not working ever again. You don't know that. I don't know. I know that for a fact in today's climate Well, I got a movie no voice over you got a better chance of fucking hitting the fucking wacko wacko wackbot But I can always do stand-up in small clubs And close with the story about the time when I fucked jesse smell it up the ass and I would let do it Cheese and always make a living and have a t-shirt with jesse with The thing on you understand me. So right there I put it I figured it out I figured out and then over the years I saw people who got built up to be stars

And it fell apart and they couldn't handle it Oh, yeah, and then I figured out that this business is about hard work and staying here I believe that staying here Staying here and now your comedy Shifts now your life shifts when you first started comedy You bombed nine times out of every 10 sets And after 90 days you bomb eight times after every And so on and so on and the more you do it the less the bombings come

Well, now the percentage has changed for you Once you get to la in the major leagues and once read something that Who did uh, who's the bald guy that's good looking that does the car movies? Oh, yeah, Benz diesel Benz diesel said something interesting goes. I I'm not a star. I just stayed here I guess when he moved here he moved here with nine people After three years three of them left You know he kept plugging sure two more years went by two more got married and left He hung in that's it

That's it. This is what the what did you start comedy? So long ago. I literally don't remember but I obviously 99 ish Here and yeah, you know, I but I went to the store You're originally from where Bell Air, California. No shit. You went to high school. Where Notre Dame High in the valley No shit. So college I didn't really uh, smc the junior college in Santa Monica. I never really finished. It just wasn't for me What did you do at that time? I became a fitness trainer. I used to be a lot bigger

Uh, and then I knew I wanted to do comedy. I just knew it When did you know you wanted to do comedy? What a probably the fourth grade play I did when I got a big laugh I was like that. I'll never forget it. It's probably the most genuine laugh I've ever gotten It was just a one line in the fourth grade play and I just I want that now as an adult Did you go home and buy an album after that? Um You know all in the family was like my first comedy Inspiration, you know, it wasn't traditional stand-up You know, I loved what Archie Bunker not what he was saying

But how he would say it and still be likeable And then there was a show called the white shadow Tremendous, which was like an ensemble all in the family It was a white basketball coach with an all-black team on cbs On monday nights. Yeah at like nine o'clock. It was an hour dramedy. He was one of the first He was great. He came to the store one day. Can raise the coach It's ken Howard ken Howard when I first got that sugars in 80 times I was ready to give my hand job because I loved

The white shadow, you know, how old are you if you don't mind 50 so 50 so you grew up at a time when Archie Bunker to me was The people I was living right right so to me it was just another day Sure paradise. I didn't look at it as an edgy show That's the way You know I had friends you went to the house When their dad walked in hungers jacking up

They would just walk up to you and look at you and say Get the fuck out of my chair and you accepted it. You didn't run home and tell your mom Mr. Skake will tell me to get the fuck out of his chair and you sat in the other chain you watched tv with them You know, right one of the best episodes. I think I ever saw Of him, especially with comedic timing Was uh When the Puerto Rican found the wallet Okay, it is cam was I think sammy davis left us. He left us briefcase briefcase

But there was something with the Puerto Rican came through from, you know, who it was cheek on the man Yeah, freddy prince. No, no, no, it wasn't freddy prince. It was the guy that played The spanish guy in fact that guy made a career Out of playing hector Sanford and son I don't want no Puerto Ricans in my house. I was talking about the guy hector hector did Sampling son Hector did

The Puerto Rican All in the family Hector also Was in a few episodes of miami rice in the beginning. Oh hector fucking hector rocked But in that episode He comes to the door They invite him in And he looks at either he goes either. Don't you stand there?

Or from something to drink And she goes, what would you like? I got milk. I got beer And he goes, I don't know. He goes off from whatever Puerto Ricans like Right way to the side. And also he looks him straight in the face. He goes, how about some pineapple juice? And I I don't know how old I was I fucking lost it There was two parts in television history that I lost it. I watched them live I'm very fortunate

The friday night with red fox When he went into the courtroom And he was like, look at all these niggas in here. There's no niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie. That was NBC prime I know It was they was sampling the southern eight o'clock and cheek on the man at 8 30 And if you were anything of a comedy family like I was for me it started with JJ Walker. Oh, sure. It was good times Then there was it was white shadow and then and I was a basketball player, right? So I related to white shadow, you know

uh Then it was the NBC lineup Which was fucking deadly comedy, right? And if you paid attention it went on to become Miami vice Fridays at nine and crime story. Oh, I love that show. They had to do dice clay I try and turn so many people on the crime story and it was only around for two seasons But two seasons Michael man. He had two shows on back to back right crime story was his yeah crime story at uh Miami vice was his but that's when vice kind of started going downhill is when he left to do crime story. He left it to other people and uh

isn't zedo left uh Miami vice and midway through season three and it was never the same because he was the comic relief with uh swytec So, you know, they were like the two detectives who would like zedo died from the old d Yeah, the uh, they put a box in episode and the guy in that episode was peppy serna We all he's uh legendary. I peppy serna was who got his arm cut off In uh in scarface. Yeah, and I did a movie with him and one day we were talking like how was that seen to do because I don't know But they had two arms and I took one And I he made it for 75 grand

He took the one arm from the From the uh, yeah peppy serna. Who else is in that? episode Let me uh, mark brieland was the boxer mark brieland. Jesus christ. I mean, I'm like a new Miami vice is probably my favorite show of all time. So are you serious? Uh, oh, yeah, I mean it took me three or four episodes. No The pilot came on september of 84 Which was like on a sunday night. It was a sunday night two hour premiere

And I was at a bar called gregory's seven day weekend heavy duty bar bottles at the door You know fucking the loud loud jukebox and for that For some reason cocaine was an all-time eye Cocaine was an all-time eye people were getting high for days It was september of 84 and people Was snorting with both fucking hands in my neighborhood Everybody was on coke

The whole country was pretty much on coke and all of a sudden they released this show Called miami vice about these two cops in miami That are chasing the the one cop is chasing a guy named calderone down to miami and he teams up with crocket when his Up tart with his partner who was played by jimmy smits And the pilot is blown up. Yeah, so now crocket needs a partner You know tootie the black girl. Oh, yeah, she was a waitress at the store. Really? Bro, you have no fucking idea how much history the store has to that

So one night i'm sitting there In the front and chewy the x-door man is talking to a black guy The black guy happened to be the black guy in far as gum Oh, yeah, the shrimp guy. I guess so tell me his name. Oh, I because he was also in the great santini Okay, so that black dude isn't a pilot of miami vice He plays calderones middleman and there's a scene

Where he Him and crocket are working together. This was a legendary night for a guy like me Like i've had many legendary nights at the store, but on this particular night He was standing six feet from me And I didn't know how to approach him. There was no No way in my world. I was gonna approach this guy He did not know how big of a fan. I was his what's his name. It's not michael t I was gonna say is it mickey? Hold on. Michael t. William. So michael t. Michael t

mckelty williams. Oh, yeah, that williamson mckelty williamson. There you go. So mckelty williamson has a line in miami. He meets Don johnson first with the other guy by themselves. He meets don and then He can you see him leave a barbecue place And he gets in this fucking beautiful Mercedes Benz and before he gets in He wipes the side panel with his suit and he gets in And he's about to get into a barbecue and don johnson's convertible Don johnson jumps in the 450 slc and smacks the chicken out of his hand

And the guy just looks at don johnson and he goes barbecue on my postery I've killed for less and he goes save me the tough talk leon. His name is leon So the night progresses by the robot and he gets he's getting closer to me and out of nowhere He goes, you had a good set tonight. I watch it Chewie said to go on and watch it and you were gonna be good And he he said michael t and I go, I know y'all and I looked him straight in the face and I go Barbecue on my upholstery I've killed for less

And he looked at me all the way and I go Miami vice 84 and he goes, oh shit I go, that's how long I've been a fan of yours, you know and So he proceeded to tell me he auditioned for it And didn't hear anything and one night he went up to the comedy store And the black girl at the comedy store had just done trading motherfucking places No 48 hours tutti Is the chick that eddie murphy meets at the bar

In 48 hours when he goes up to nick nolte and goes come on dog I just need an hour to get me some agambo And nick nolte said what are you talking about? He was like, you know some agambo some trim It's it's tutti And then on the way out he gives him money and she goes I'm not a pro when you get out look me up and we'll date I had a nice time with you That's the first time you ever see tutti when she shot that she was at the comedy store Eddie murphy met her at the comedy store and gave her a row of that

So now michael t goes up to the comedy store meets tutti And in the process of dating she gets The audition for miami vice They both get it Leon gets killed in the pilot. Yeah, he's the car and which she ended up becoming a waitress That's why it was cool to be a waitress after the word got out That waitresses were born at the comedy store now. They're doing tv series

A bunch of spying actresses started getting waitressing jobs at the store. Oh, that's crazy. Does it make sense? A lot of people go in there Why not? Yeah, why not even take that? Years ago, vana chubbock was a great acting school But one tolly berry and the white chick won the academy award back to back They were both her students her money went up to the roof It went from 200 a fucking month to 255 And now every hot chicken time Was signing up for vana chubbock's class Whatever that fuck. What's the hot white chick six foot tall?

I'm charlie's Yeah, so charlie's It was charlie's and holly berry academy of woodwind is back to back and they were both in In my acting class women's To get into that class and if you got into the thursday night class and a vana chubbock Agents would be up there. Give me that fucking checks Fuck so you had to work yourself up into the thursday night class

I don't know how we got on this. Forgive me. I know. No, please I mean, my amy by I could talk for hours on my amy vice What made you get into my amy vice? Did you see the pilot? Oh, yeah I was into dallas at the time You know jr and all that and I just wanted a new show. I was a not-so-landing type of motherfucker Wednesday nights was not-so-landing. I think thursday was dallas and wednesdays. I stayed in i had a night off from coke I think it was a shitty ladies night or something. It wasn't it. I wasn't into it. I mean friday was Dallas, so that's why it was a big deal. Dallas is friday. Miami. It was dallas duke's a hazard on channel two

And then that's why it was a big deal at miami vice was such a big show because it was directly taking on those two shows so But I just love the show and like You know, greggory sierra was the original captain on miami vice And he lived here and he didn't want to go to miami. He wanted more money for the plane tickets and stuff So they just killed him. They blew him up. Not jimmy smits. Gregory sierra He died on the like the third episode in he died on the boat

Yeah, that's what i'm talking about that. He was the spanish guy. No, that was jimmy smits died Yes, jimmy smits died when he got blown up by the car, but then in episode three They send the columbian the argentinian the argentinian in episode three To go shoot a hit list Crockett tubs And he had the captain on there. So when the captain went to save Crockett

The guy was Watchtower and he killed that guy. Yeah, Gregory sierra is the guy who i'm talking about. I wasn't cheeky on the man Oh, okay. Look up Gregory sierra on high mdb And i was that guy was the token fucking spanish guy here And the 70s and 80s and that guy ain't worth 10 million dollars. I don't know who the fuck is Is he dead? No, I think he's alive But can you imagine if he stayed on vice like he just didn't want to travel and he's so I think he hit him up for more money. It says he's still alive

He's still he's still working. He took a long time off actually, but he just did something last year What's his tv credits? Oh my god. It's probably like an hour to read his tv credits. Yeah, oh my god. Oh, wow Yeah, he started working in the 60s or early 70s. Yeah 69 it takes a thief Um Tremendous mod squad. I reckon i'm not recognized squad was another great show on abc the flying nun tremendous He was in beneath the planet of the apes. Yeah, this guy's in everywhere. It was in the bill cosby show. Oh, watch out um Mission impossible all the family

What year was that do you think because right now i'm in 72 keep going he was in the waltons All in the family 73 told you who the fuck you think you're dealing with sanford and son 75 a y 50 Told you every hit colombo Every hit show he was the token spanish guy. Yeah, and that's only not only up to 74 He didn't stop working gun smoke sanford and son in 72 75 the sanford and son Um 12 yep, I do not want no Puerto ricas

In my house barney miller. He did 35 episodes. I'm telling your dog. I think he was a sheriff or not a sheriff A cop or detective in the fucking room him and fish. Yeah, this was crazy I looked up to that guy growing up. I was like, that's the guy Yeah, like how much work does he get as a spanish guy soap? He didn't soap was such a good show. I'm telling you that's for the time Like that's why I love all these shows like soap all in the family white shadow This is when there's only three networks No, no showtime or hbo's believe it or not. You're looking at a guy that really really really

I think if there was a show that Broke me before the honeymoons the show honeymoons broke me that broke me comically Sanford and son and archie bunker were great. The honeymoons took Benny Hill my combination was Benny Hill. The honeymoons came out 11 Uh Odd couple. Yeah, that's why I came out at midnight. You couldn't beat that you just stayed in just to watch that shit That's weird, but I always felt that Gregory Sierra

Sierra was one of those guys that you know, you just looked up to You you had it if you watch television. I just told you I just knew who he was On two or three shows. I didn't know he was in all that That was a lot more than I anticipated. He worked constantly guys Like they had no Spanish people that fit his mode. He's like the true definition of character actor You don't know his name. You're like, I know that face and uh

It's like that episode of the white shadow where the russian kid tries to defect from the basketball team that guy for kid his name john something He's his imdb page has to be a 500 credits. He's he's like go white guy. You can play polish russian jewish. He works constantly to this day Did you act a lot? Not really up until recently like I was in I'm dying up here just playing a bitter late night comic so I really wasn't acting uh

but uh You know, no, I was too scared. I was trying to get into comedy and let alone start acting. I'm like, oh boy What was the first place you got on stage at? Comedy store you went up to ended the three minutes and I'll be completely honest with you. I paid dave tyree to write for me Because I saw him open up for eddie griffin Yes, and I was in the main room and I was just like, well, this guy's pretty dirty He had a bit about uh, fingering a girl. It's like feeding a horse and

It's like that's kind of humor. I want to do so I paid him And I still have the jokes he gave me they were all stolen jokes Like I didn't know any better back then but they were all like, you know, hey, I bought a liquor cabinet I didn't even drink. You know, I was like, I've heard that in a joke book before So he kind of ripped me off, but like Serves me right You know, I should have just gone out there and talked about, you know, I don't know growing up in bel-air It's a weird angle to have most comics are poor or you know, come from a poor background

I was lucky enough to come from a semi Uh, not wealthy, but you know, what'd your parents do if you don't mind me asking? Oh, no, no my dad, uh He was like MacGyver You would get the reference because I told uh, jesse maple is so that today and she's like, who's MacGyver? He was like good at everything Scratch golfer at the worst golf swing you've ever seen, but he could have been a pro He's on the cover of life magazine And I think 64 if we're killing a whale

How do you put money in the bank? How do you feed you guys? His his dad and the depression Would drive by oil refineries And he would see that they would just throw away their waste And he'd go into all these refineries and go can I have your waste? They thought you're crazy go take it and he turned it into graphite and so

His company was the largest privately owned company in like the 60s in america But then my dad went uh real deep on an oil Drilling exposition in the amazon that didn't quite work out. So, you know, we grew up You know Not as wealthy as we could have And then mom was in the thoroughbred racing business She raced them more She raised and she was from carter'sville georgia

So she had a horse farm and they raised like champion thoroughbreds and So there's a lot of money and so I grew up on horse racing You know, I don't know what's going on at santa anita these days, but 28 horses 30 two died this weekend who died It's like the dominican republic Santa anita is like the dominican republic every two days Another horse dies and somebody's having a sale on tacos in la Somebody's giving away free samples. You know i'm saying of a marinated horse

I don't you know, I was gonna I got past this this year and after all the deaths I had a boy caught it in my heart. I was like, you know what? Uh In my heart, I shouldn't give a fuck about the horses But I'll tell you who love horses and who loved the races my mom right She wouldn't have gone for that shit. So I ripped up the passes. That was all we always did it once a year Yeah, we we were a couple times. Yeah always always. I love but went out there in the sun Oh, it's beautiful. I can't have these, you know, they had a problem when they shot that hbo series. Yeah luck

Horses were croaking. I loved it. Oh, you like the show. Oh, yeah, the show was great. Yeah Oh, he's very realistic But just uh, the horses were dying. They couldn't know that's why they canceled after two seasons There was a problem. So something's going on in san anita. Either it's the liquor cabinet You know the fucking it's not good, but isn't it just that horses? You can't really heal them So if they get an injury then you have to put them down 20 30 horses in six months Well, I think there's a lot of drugs and yeah, I'll do it basically give them horse steroids Oh, okay, and you know, they just get so big and muscular that once they break down they're beyond repair

Which is yeah, I can't watch horse racing anymore. I get Because it is kind of animal abuse or whipping the horse to go faster. Yeah, you know I never really looked at it that way And the horse don't gotta dime like, you know, if you make a million dollars in the horse, well, you're gonna put him in the penthouse Yeah, he's still gonna be in a three-dollar fucking barn surrounded by mice and a little goat That's where the abuses I got a horse that wins me a million dollars a million dollars there Through 30 000 here. I got the horse in a nice stable. I got him a nice little horse that he could tie up and fuck

You're my freezer filled with fucking stakes. Yeah, they like I think they're like, hey, I think they're cheap I don't know. I I'm gonna be honest when I was a kid. I had a friend and One time he went to the metal and they told me he was in the state take me down there and you talked to the trainers and I didn't like it That's why I found out about that drug you shoot horses If they bleed through their nose You shoot them with a drug

So lasix Oh, okay, lasix. So when you go on the bedding form It tells you what horses have lasix and they're pretty much it raises their rods to win So I would bet the horses on that drug to make the bleeding stop But after I learned all that stuff It just wasn't I never wanted to go to the back. I don't know where you go at the back stretch Yeah, I don't stand and talk to the horses. Yeah, I don't want the trainers That's not my back. Like I don't want to I don't like I don't like cooking. I don't want to see raw meat. Right, right, right

I don't want to look behind the curtain I've seen enough times behind the curtain, you know, and it's negligent part of me is negligent for doing, you know But at the same time it's going to keep going no matter how I feel People are not going to stop betting horses or horses. Oh, no I mean it's not going to stop But I just won't go to this place because there's something going on in this place I mean, yeah, it's weird. I mean, but as a kid like the first two athletes I followed were horses There was seattle slew Jesus who was the 78 triple crown winner

And I cried when he lost he was like undefeated and then he lost at san anita and I remember crying like oh He's not the best anymore. And then there was a white horse uh named vigers Who his thing was Dead last by a lot He was like the white guy in the hundred-yard dash in the olympics just like And he would win he would just get this bolt of energy and you there'd be some races He was so far back you couldn't see him in the camera shot

And then as soon as they hit the home stretch you just saw like this white bolt of lightning It was like watching jordan play basketball. It's the most and then uh I got into hockey in the 80s, but like, you know, where were your mom's tables at? Cartersville, georgia So how far from the house? Well, I grew up in bel-air. So uh, she kept it there and uh, you know, my mom was a weird person like Possibly, uh, you know molested by someone and you know, her dad was killed at nine And her dad was like the bear bryant of uh, georgia high school football coaches. So

Uh, you know, she was a very private person like, you know, she's still with us No, I lost both my parents two months apart in 98. What'd they leave you? I'm just kidding. You're fun Well, they let me a couple bucks. I'm not good. I can't lie down called joey and lee inside joe I don't mean to be offensive like please. I love it when somebody's parents just die like after a day Right like when they're heartbroken And they're confused and you go up to them And you shake their hand, you know, I love your dog. I know what you're going through. I'm very sorry for your pain

They don't thank you for coming And they go how was everything else going and how bad and you wait till they're fucking alone, you know How much is in the well We got coming and they're looking and they go you son of a bitch They laugh right because you're trying to break the absolutely after a day or two I usually catch people a day and a half after their parents die And I call them or if I can approach them And I approach them

I wish you around back there And I always say to them like what what did mom leave you under the mattress? And they look at you for a split second and they go You motherfucker. I knew you're gonna make me laugh. That's why you know, right? I love doing that to people I love it because I remember how I felt When my mother died People would leave the funeral parlor and go jesus christ. I've never seen so many spicks in my life On the other circumstances. I should have not I should have said fuck you. They're my family

But I had a laugh because they were honest Yeah, no, it's you know, you were very you know, you asked me Why i'm so honest in my words and my heart to people I was surrounded with that when I was growing up. There was no Today we're scared to talk to our friends We're scared to talk to our friends We live in a society where we are petrified. It's not like the old days when I go eat skakel. Come in for a second What happened to that joke? Well, I didn't like it. Well, who gives a fuck what you like that was killing

Thank you uncle joey. I didn't know. Yeah, put it back where it belonged Well, I really don't like it because my girlfriend's parents are black. There's a fuck. It's a joke You know what i'm saying like people don't do that no more No, there's two and your close friends are really scared to say it the hey, bro You're putting on some weight. Hey, bro. I saw you had six kids instead of two Right, you know what i'm saying we live in a society. We can't do that no more Now we need that more than ever After brody passed we need shit

Called out on ourselves more than ever. I'm not talking about some guy from fucking Tommy's underground cafe calling out eroskakel or eric griffin I'm talking about comedy store guys going. Hey bro, come here for a second Yeah, and I left and you were slurring you want to slur go to your mother's house Have three drinks and get the fuck out of here. They'll look at you a little weird for three or four days But if there anything which they usually are because they're at the comedy store They'll come up to you. No, thank you for telling me that that there started calling me And that's it. You know tell nobody nobody knows nothing

We're living in a society. That's not accepted fucking Archie bunkers said whatever he wanted Meathead get off my couch stupid commies You know, he used words that We don't want to use we're living in a petrified society Hey dog, Joey last time I saw you looked pretty good. You put on some weight. What are you fat shaming me?

No, I'm your brother. I'm telling you that you're 56. I don't want to see you fucking die Yeah, I mean don't fuck yourself three days later. I'll call you and go. Hey dog. I got on the scale I gotta push the butter to the side. I put a little it's too much butter on the muffins, you know what I'm saying That's what people do. That's what you do That's not accepted no more I pretty much fuck with people. I don't say a lot of things About 10 years ago. So many came up to me and they go, you know, your problem is bro. You're not a mentor to these young guys I was like, first of all, what the fuck am I to criticize somebody's act?

Or tell somebody what they should be doing if you're doing something funny. I'm gonna fucking tell you If you're doing something funny, I'm gonna tell you if I see you when I get to know you And we have a mutual respect for each other as teammates at the store Come with it Come with it. Joey the other night. You did that job. Why'd you get rid of it? Sometimes I just forget it Sometimes, you know, that's what we have to have especially after Brody's gone now We have to take care of each other more at the store We're a family

But like don't text me ask me how I'm doing call me. You want to hear my voice? You want to hear my fucking voice, you know what I'm saying? You see somebody's little box at the store at nine o'clock Pick up the phone at one. See what he sounds like I want Is he slurring? Is he talking about something stupid? Is he talking about a flat earth? Do we need to send? Do I need to send three Jews in the fucking flute over there? You know what I'm saying? I mean So

I'm happy you're part of the comedy store family. So first time you went up. We're at the store Where'd you start going on after that after Tyree sold you bum jokes? It's like I didn't know any better like no, I'm not mad at you. We all like we all get caught by a member Punchline the movie. Oh, yeah, Tom Hank sells the chick jokes. That's how they meet I mean, I just remember she gave 300 bucks from the cookie jar that her and husband was saving for vacation I gave Dave a lot more than that and she paid. Yeah, she paid him 300. He tried to get a faith and then she paid him five And she told him fuck off and she would write her own jokes and then one night he picked her up at a diner and said

this is what the fuck you do Wipe jokes. That's what they want to hear. They don't want to hear that shit you're talking about And he took her out of Jersey and started taking her to clubs in New York Keeping her out till two in the morning. She's killing. She's killing. That's a great movie guys. Oh, I love if you guys are fans of comedy Please watch punchline because I guarantee you'll see Why 200 comics Called an open mic the next day. Oh for sure 100 comics Didn't go online like a guy like me. You wanted the yellow pages

And you look for comedy clubs. There's four of them And you called one the phone was disconnected You called the other one. They didn't do an open mic and finally a third one didn't open mic on tuesdays You got to call on monday It's three minutes and you only get one open mic a month and you're like, okay Uh, can I buy clicking there? I go You're like, oh my god I was telling somebody I went to a I never got on stage. I kept pussying out

Pussying out pussying out and finally I got my five minutes ready Me in the back of my mind. This is the first time I felt out of place. This is why rule number one Don't go nowhere. You don't belong so I I read in the in the Because at the time I was a doorman at wit's end That was a small comedy club in westminster, colorado

A sea room nobody big ever But just for laughs used to release a publication And then the publication Johnny walker Comedy competition. Do you remember that at all? Yeah, johnny ward Every year lee they had For the people at home. They had a contest HBO had a contest

And johnny walker had a contest around the country. Yes. Okay. And then the winner they did a A show on cbs. Oh, shit. You were the johnny walker red Champion of the year you got 20 weeks of guaranteed work from the improvs And every other club I don't know what they were gonna pay you But now you were a half of a household name, right? So there was uh The hbo one and then johnny walker and johnny walker. So I find out about the johnny walker competition Guess who's going down there?

Uncle joey and guess what i'm doing. I'm planning on winning the whole thing That's how delusional I was in the cocaine and the blow and the pills like and I was living a normal life like I was Doing a day job and then at night. I would lose my mind. I called and I had a piss in the bottle then I was I would do cocaine between the piss test. I was on a rocket ship. I love it I go down until the comedy works sign up was at 9 a.m I get that is 40 fucking people lord. I sign up. I go downstairs into a basement judges haven't showed yet Half hour wait. I'm looking at these guys This guy's got an mbc shirt on

This guy's got a late night with david let him in t-shirt on This guy's got this shirt on I got so scared. I fucking ripped up my fucking paperwork and left And you hadn't been on stage yet. Nope. Oh chicken that So what made you kept going back after the your first appearance at the spot? Well, the first appearance speaking of brody brody was hosting And I I didn't know him what you was this is probably 99 or 2000 And it was the sunday night open mic

And let's you'd be up there. She was not up there yet at this particular night But there was a guy on stage from the hoia bombing pretty bad even back then it was it was bad and uh The guy knew he was bombing and I he kind of walked off stage real meekly And brody's like I can't do a good impression of brody But he's like, where are you from kid and the guy's like, well, hoia And brody's like, well that drive just got a lot longer And I was like, I don't think I'm ready for this place. Uh, and I went up and not bombed

uh with tyree's jokes I was like, I think I'm gonna go open mics and stuff and come back And I I don't think I came back till like 2009 so Because I felt okay nine years and I'm ready to be seen with at least I thought I was at that time to be seen with you know People who are going up there and the lineups and uh, I probably wasn't even back then ready to You know, you just want to start at the comedy store. It's like the mba. It's like

but I probably uh You know what I got passed in 2013 And that's when I felt okay. I belong here So it took you four years to get back. Yeah, well hanging out up there 13 overall four when I Uh, because Tommy and I just never clicked for which is weird because we both like the same shitty 80s music and You know, David Lee Ross solo albums and uh, but I just I didn't connect with him You know So, uh, where we doing open mics at the valley like there's a lot of rooms in the valley. I used to run mics

Uh, uh, of real like a speed freak bar called McReds on Tuesday nights and uh, like tv comics would come in like the ian bag and people of that nature, uh but uh, did the improv a few times probably wasn't ready to be honest, uh, but then, uh You know, I'd start opening up for rob schneider and that showed me the good side of the business You know and he was very good to me So it's like oh, there are good people in this business. What years what would what was making you go back night after night? What did you feel?

I mean, I I always say you have to be delusional to think you're gonna make it But it has to be based in reality. Like, you know, I probably can never play in the mba because I have no vertical leap But with comedy I've always been told I'm funny and All my friends were agents and managers like I see him and william morris and like dude Just get into comedy. You're the funniest person. We know We'll help you and then they all left to get into real estate. So It's fucking bastards that fucking crazy. Yeah So but the one still is in the business. He you know makes a call for me here and there

So because I'm at the point now I feel where I can't get any further on my own You need a little you need a little phone call here or there, you know, so You know, that's what I'm Trying to you know, I'm not a great network or schmoozer You know, I'm just pretty open honest. That's not really the best way to network You when I go to the comedy store and I see you I know I'm not gonna hear a bullshit story. You show up with love. Yeah Respect I give you the respect I watch you sometimes like I was there one night. I was watching you made me laugh

I didn't know much about your background Who passed you adam? I was the first person at me and kandace thompson were the first two people adam passed How did what was the process now then? Uh, well, I I was under a lot of pressure just because everyone was going up to adam going Hey, you know, tommy really fucked Earl over. He's been up here for four years You know, he's really funny or whatever they were saying and and like People like brian scolaro were like hey adam like, you know, we're all Open for me here. He's great. You got to pass him and like that's the worst way to get in

You know, it's like people asking you to be on your podcast, you know You don't want people. Hey put her along. I'll put her along when I'm ready Which is how this happened And so adam just came up to me and he's like dude. I know everyone loves you I'm gonna showcase you. Uh, but if you don't do well, I can't pass you And which I I don't want to get in through any other way other than okay, this guy belongs So it it worked out that night and uh You know, but it's still there's so much pressure at the store now

Like the line-ups are crazy, you know, like they're like all-star line-ups every night So, uh, how many spots do you get in a week? I would say on average two Oh, I'm not good. Yeah, I mean no, listen that's That's two spots that two people would give a finger for it in the oh, I mean, you know, always remember that that I never Looked at it that way. I looked at it as fuck I got a 115 spot You know, what the fuck is going on my fucking life I remember saying something brian holds from one night

He's like, why are you mad about because I would have coke in my pocket And I couldn't do it. I got off stage. So the monkey was scratching So the later I got on stage the pisser I would get the pissier I would get in those days Until one night that holds when he goes, you know, what if you don't want to do your spot? Don't do it Put a sign out there And say I don't want my 115 spot. See how many people sign up for it? And it all came into perspective Oh, yeah, I mean I like the store because

Seattle, you know, okay I moved to seattle when I was doing comedy four years Two years jerking off on myself Two years with my heart so open mind Whatever we need sleeping the car Sleep on that couch whatever gig you got Wherever we need to sleep wherever we need to shower This is what I need. I need a sandwich

A soda coffee But besides that, I'm not big, you know, you pick up 75 bucks Bubba bubba bubba, whatever the fuck it was. What the fuck was that doing? You moved to seattle when I moved to seattle, but when you move to seattle, it's the same thing When you there's open mics around town But you have to move into the club. So go to the underground And the first time carl looks at you checks you out and goes, okay. I kind of like you Lee. You're gonna go first So for three weeks you go first

The second the last two times you've been killing and he moves you up to number five Six minutes and yeah, you do about a month and a half of that number five now number six can't deal with you no more So now he moves you up to nine And now you've been there going for three years But you're going up night. You're not going up first no more You think because you still got your job at King comes That you're not making strides You're like i'm still a fucking kink goes

But you just moved up nine notches Then next thing, you know, you're number 12 Then next thing, you know, you're following the guy. That's the guest So if alley one comes in you're following that guy And they leave you there until you get it right And once you get it right now you start closing the night out And now it's time for you to start doing 30 minutes in front of headliners Now you get to the store like see i've seen you guys

Get to the store and start from scratch. Oh, yeah and become stars I mean, I love it like I I still get chills when I walk by and see my name those four years What were you thinking when you up there battling up? I mean, I'll be honest with you at times. I thought I quit and Uh, you know, I don't know necessarily how serious I was but because I love doing stand-up like Uh, but I was like, you know, you can only be told no so many times before you're like, Jesus Maybe this isn't for me. And I knew as long as Tommy was there Uh, I would never get past when Tommy was there. Were you getting spots there at all? No, to be honest. There was nothing like that then like he uh one night nobody showed up

I think sabash it was supposed to go on and and he didn't show up and uh, I think Dave mischewitz was hosting And he's like Tommy Earl's the only comic up here. You got we gotta put him up for the show is over. So he put me on and uh I don't want to say I killed but I did pretty well and uh next night they didn't show up again. It was You know and and went on did well and and did nothing and Tommy's eyes, you know Didn't uh, he's just I don't think he liked me and I like puzzled still like

You know why but uh, you know, just luckily he was uh, had some shady accounting methods and was fired. So You know, it's crazy when you when you have a comic when you're a comic or anything a chef and you have a dream And everything is going right and all of a sudden you get this bump in the road You got some guy that's in front of you and on top of that. He doesn't like you. Yeah Any particular reason what a fucking nightmare that is when you get to that point in your life And he is what's holding you back to your dream

and eventually You say fuck your dream and you're talking to go fuck himself And you take a different avenue by you doing that you get stronger. Sure and three years from now you realize that guy Got fired. These are the business and you're like, wow I was right for doing what I was doing because at the end of the week it didn't really matter I'm still here and he's not. Oh, yeah, but it's so weird when you make those personal decisions in your life with A comic booker a comedy club owner and I've lived it and seen it

The guys that would break balls. They were comedy club owners That would break balls because they they thought That club was the end all be all those guys today are gone gone But then there's guys like the guys in Nashville Right, you know the guys that run the Tampa the Miami improv, you know joe They run tempi, you know those guys have been around And they've always been really decent and cool, you know, you would you enjoy going there the week

You know, you expect they know what to expect and you know what to expect It was the guys that would break Your fucking balls The whole weekend from the minute You got in To the minute you fucking left And when I think of those guys the number one guy of all time Rest in peace the little prick

Danny Mer guy from tempi right. Oh, yeah never in my life That I met and I and I genuinely Read him it took me two years to read him right and once I read him I left him alone and things worked out because Okay You're a carpenter and They're building this huge three year building Three years when you're a carpenter straight work

That's stability We we could even be talking about electrician We could be talking about whatever the fuck, right? What we call We need a job for three years of stability Well, the guy from the tempi improv the tempi improv. Well that fucking guy when he The club was great the comics would all get their dick sucked

There was a time when comics were going down and coming back with their dick leaking From six below jobs as they piece as it's a college town never for me I'm never saying that it happened to me. It didn't happen to me. I'm saying that tempi was a hot comedy club So they ran it on time Danny Mer did a good job that way but he fucking ruled with an iron head his staff hated him There was no hang at the club afterward and if you were a big-time headliner he'd want to hang with you

So he'd already set the night up for you So it's me you and skake. I take you you guys down with me I plan us to do the fucking night And then go to this burger joint It'll come to you one ham on stage And say so you guys ready to go out and you're like, what are you talking about? And he'll go I got limo outside They're waiting to take us three to a strip club

And Scottsdale and you know and you three look at each other and you're like, I don't think that's the plan He would do creepy things like that Then you get on stage and he would make you go out there with you And he got like a VIP booth and he would start snort and blow And I'd tell him not to do blow in front of rogue and it was horrible. Right. I remember one night I he wouldn't pay me because I didn't tell him where they were all the guys. Well I didn't know where they were. Mike Young was fucking Mike Young we get booked and light on

And tell him yeah, I'm gonna bring down Leonardo DiCaprio and the guys from entourage And then he would disappear So he thought Mike Young was at the entourage guys and he wasn't showing up He must have called Mike Young 80 times And the line of the year was like if you don't call me right back, you'll never be on letterman You're a club owner and to be Arizona But that's how powerful he thought he was

And those guys like he wouldn't let you drink on stage. Right. Right. He didn't want women in the green room You know, he didn't want thousands of things that any other improv owner You know many times people quit that club George Lopez quit on a Friday night What hit a week in the gigs book and sold out weekend Went up there on a Friday night The guy was a known coke fiend god rest his soul

You know, I read this joint love peasant up there He got on stage and Dan was breaking his balls and finally In front of the owner and for everybody he went up there And he goes, how you guys doing? This is a great club. I loved you The general manager owner here Dan Mer He goes, this is my impersonation name And he got on his hands and knees and opened up a

Aspen bottle and put it on the thing and then Made believe he was doing a line of coke and his nose got all white And Dan Mer was in the back of his wake flew off He only had like eight hands left and four shot out of his cranium. Oh my god And fucking he he had a guy that was arguing with George and George. He goes, bitch. I quit And he quit on a Friday night. I didn't know there was an option. I love him. He had wars with everybody Jesus, he he threatened me and rogan one night for what the show was on thursday

We were taking the winds and I flight in The winds and I flight was delayed and they pushed us on a different flight He started calling us to see where we were going Like where you guys had him when you get here? Who knows? We're going to the hotel check in That's it. I don't fucking know Well, I've got reservations before And he don't wake up. What? You know, maybe we don't want to and I know rogan didn't want to go to get him

And I would just laugh But I remember that I must have shut off my phone when I got the tempi I put it on And I had 20 messages from You better call me back right now. If not, it's contempt of contract The show's not till thursday at eight We're coming in the night earlier Just to fucking come in out of you know, he went off Jesus and the last thing I I played the messages for joe. Are you gonna hear this fucking lunatic?

And joe's like i'm straightening him out tonight And we got to the hotel there. He is with some driver I made plans and cost of it The Fuji the best steak in town and joe's like knock it off We're not going there when I think I don't want to hang out with you. You're fucking creepy Joe just went off on him and that was it He never bothered us again. Hello and goodbye. All right He banned me because they fucked the chick upstairs and he thought it was me

What happened was a chick went into the green room. She got hammered and she passed out and we left And one of the 18 year old waiters came up and started fucking He had never got he was a virginity or something like that So he kept booking joe, but he wouldn't let joe bring me What because he says it was me that brought the chicken to the green room Where reality she was there to see the star from fear factor you know i'm saying And joe left it at like the chick was annoying hot

Most hot chicks aren't she fell down and fucking passed out Jesus And and then now he's gone and you can go to you do the intangible Now he's dead Okay, now this is that don't feel so good myself All that drama was because of nothing, but my point being it's like when the catcher rising stars were out here You had to call that guy send him a tape

send them avails Get a reference It was a year process right kevin carney That was his name kevin carney He booked you in princeton vegas at the Excalibur with the kids with the swords And he booked you at rino And all that shit and one day i got a call from jimmy shuber

And he goes what are you doing tomorrow? I go not and he goes you're featuring for me arena I catch a rising star So for two years this guy drove me crazy And all of a sudden a headliner calls you and gets you in I was never mad at kevin carney after that. We became dear friends that he booked me But the point being is that comedy is very weird like that Sometimes you can't get in the guy don't take your calls all of a sudden bill burr calls me says i'm bringing him with me And that's the end of the discussion. There's no tape

Yeah, there's no fucking critique. There's no nothing. Have you ever noticed that? Oh, yeah Like if you go into a club, you got to send them the tape if i bring you with me You don't say boo you go up there like you're not second i'm fine He won't say boo because you got to say something to me and i'll tell him to fuck off Yeah, i mean that's happened a lot when i was with schneider like Who's this guy? Oh, i'm the guy whose email she didn't return for you know two years Oh, you're with rob. Uh, you want to headline an off night? I'm like Oh, yeah, I do but it's crazy

How would I get it? It elevates you and you get it and you have to look I'm still there's some people that i'm in shock that they talked to me But there's some people who did pull for me 20 years ago that Jeff wilson was a runs live nation I became friends with 20 years ago Do they have a call them bothering? What live nation room could i fill? of a kitty pond

You know saying what live nation room can i fill? And for years i heard people going i heard jeff will say nice things about you and i would sit there and go he never books me That's how life is sometimes And now jeff wilson my number one to go guy Number one i love him with all my heart Because that's how it is sometimes We cannot get angry at anybody There's people that are genuinely out there waiting for something for you

And they're looking out for you and here you are going fucking deez told me He was going to take me on the caribbean cruise with him and now i haven't heard from him Well, maybe deez is working on something else And deez is going to call you and go hey What are you doing tomorrow? Well, i'm taking my girlfriend for dinner One of the first class flight to hawaii and then we're going to japan We're getting some sushi and then we're rolling down to the philippines, but but but but what?

But what start packing? Tell the chinese to give me back that passport Tell bel-air you're leaving the property to get the fucking arm machine gun jews toting around that no fucking crap my god Right of wrong. That's what this life is. Oh, yeah, that's what this life is guys. That's why i always tell people keep loose Stay loose and this is not leave. What are you doing august 8th? I have no fucking idea Are you booking me for a gig? No, i'm coming to town. Call me on the 7th I'll let you know if i'm here right because you don't know what's gonna happen the rolling stones my bumping team when you're eating hotdog And go you're a comedian. I thought I saw you on youtube. Yeah, that was me

Come on the road with us and do 10 That's how quick this could change. Oh, absolutely. I still remember freddy soto being at the comic store What's his name came in song took him on the road. They did 2000 fucking dates Uh, uh, what's the blue? Yeah Baby, he was married to jennifer lopez John uh John uh, she just left him. Yeah, John something. No, I know you got him. Hold on. You just left him for the bug guys Good lucky guy, but kind of like uh

Uh, it's mark anthony. Yeah, there you go mark anthony walking to the comic store on sunday night Open mic. So freddy on stage started talking to him when that song became a hit. Who do you think was the open? Freddy that's wild. Yeah doing 40 minutes in front of in front of 2000 20 000 people that want to hear music You want to talk about your life flashing in front of you? You're up there at the 10th minute. They're booing you The freddy used to tell me it was the roughest time of his life, but the paycheck Oh, yeah, it was so good to travel the food Catering, you know room service and marked in care mark, which is like I like him. Yeah marked one of the comedy guy

Mark liked him. He thought he was funny. Well, I still remember being at the improv with joe And chris mcguire getting fucking lit On cocktails. I'm doing metal in the new powder in the bathroom and I turned around there's freddy soda He's like, what are you guys doing? You want to go to mark anthony's party on this is when South beach was very hot and exclusive He goes, I'll get it mark to send the car for us right now And we looked at each other like I don't think so. We were I was too fucked up. I couldn't show So we just go freddy fuck it just stay with us

We kept freddy out all through fucking coconut grove to bus six in the morning. What are you nuts or what? Those are the good old days. Oh, yeah, he's I gotta leave. I gotta catch another flight to fucking they were leaving for like peru It was crazy. It's crazy the opportunities you have at the store You know, oh, it's like you never know who's in the crowd watching now the improv gives you spots a little more lately Uh, but you know, I'm dear friends of the page and I'm just shy and asking for things She's a sweetheart. If you just call her for spots, but I can't do that. I'm like, I'm so fucking shy This is a business. Oh, I know and this is a business and You're always a piece of a puzzle

You're always putting together a puzzle for somebody That's why I always feel when I got mad at Lee. I got very mad at Lee a couple weeks ago because They were looking for a fat guy to dance on that show And Lee goes, well, I didn't want to expose myself for $300. I go It's not 300 hours. It's getting your foot in the door. Sure. Well, it's it may be an under five on paper Which means under five lines and trust me. There's companies that come back Hey fat man dance. You want me to dance? I'll dance. That's 350 But what if I say to you where you from?

Boston, do you know how to dance? Yeah, what type of dancers do you do? That turns into 1100 But you're not gonna know till you get there because they want to read what type of personality you have right So What we talking about the store opportunity store But you're right though. No, I know I'm right because I went through it I don't know how many times I showed up to something And they told me it was gonna be one thing and don't get me wrong

I got lied to The check took eight weeks They told me 250. I only got 175 Now I had to call the guy for the 75 hours and I had to wait for the next pay period for him to cut the check You know when you're broke 75 hours There's a lot of fucking money. Fuck. Yeah, you follow me. But then somewhere along the line

You going for a co-star They don't that's why I always Like when they say co-star possible recovery that means we don't know what we're looking for That's what they're telling me And so basically what I'm hearing is at the beginning you kind of have to do everything you do You do whatever the fuck they call you to do bro. I I did a pilot You want me to be embarrassed? I did a pilot for the guys from sinfone when sinfone cancelled they try to do another pilot like a like a

Comedy pop-up pilot right like instead of America's funniest videos videos It was funny and die right with a host One of the pilot episode it was me getting hit in the face with a fucking pie and a diaper When I got there, I knew I was gonna get hit in the face with a pie, but I don't know I was gonna get humiliated Right and I took the humiliation I didn't like how the producers acted Obviously took 30 fucking days to pay me

You know This is part of it But this all that 250 or that 300 all goes into a funnel Then you get two checks at the store for 15 a week. That's 30 five times four. That's a small 120 right? No That's a small 160. No, that's a small 120 Four times 30 is a small 120, right, you know it all go when you're first Doing all these things and people always laugh at you. Are you making any money? And you say them is it all about money right now? I'm punching it. Yeah, absolutely. I'm punching it

You have an agent now. I have a voiceover agent. Uh, you have a very unique voice I'm the only white guy right now in an all-black cartoon. So but I got it at the comedy store You know one night in the crowd skinny black kids watching me had no idea who he was I'm making fun of him. Hey, it's roger from what's happening and you know stupid stuff like that and it was tyler the creator and uh, he's Three seasons in on the cartoon. So it's like You know amazing like he goes back to what you were saying, you know the stores so much opportunity there

This was on like a Tuesday night During roast battle. I I thought he was just some black dude Because I'm a metalhead. So I don't know a lot about rappers and stuff and you know, he he's amazing to me. So You know, it's a nice I always tell people my secret I'm following the scale of 10 15 I get there at 9 15 I say hello the waitress is itchy richie The mexicans making the potato chips the best potato chips in the town

uh Couple comics come in I say hello I take my two waters and I go into the original room when I sit in the back And 10 out of 10 times it's bobby lee I look at bobby lee and I absorb his material for three minutes And then I see bobby lee from when I first met him Well, when bobby would drive from the san diego I strum him meet his dad

And his uncle and no at his brother You just had to be 20 years ago I remember going down there and doing the hoy and he was a star on the hoy him shea matash Couple guys were stars on the hoy I strummed the bobby, you know being a doorman. I think Opening up for freddy. You know So when you see this

You're like jesus christ. Not only did I grow But these people around me grew sir What did they do different than the other guys they stayed the other guys disappeared They either lost in mind. They paid they bought into the hide There's 10 guys up there. I was groomed with From joe rogan to bobby to You know, it's it's my bobby to still see these guys And when you see them do well your heart

Ben giaffalo. Oh, yeah I saw that kid mumbling stumbling on stage years ago He goes up before me now on saturday nights at 9 15. I gotta think twice before I go up there I gotta think twice like i'm like this guy is dangerous more dangerous than ron white Little josh Yeah, josh marten. A couple weeks ago. I saw him have the saturday year in the original So it lets me know That that's the right place. Oh for sure. It's the rights. It's like joining a jujitsu school martial arts school

You're gonna get bombarded the first year at the comic store The original room is one of the toughest rooms to get. Oh, what time do you usually go up? Uh, now that the cartoon's doing so well, uh, and I I didn't care when I went on. I was so happy to be in there. I didn't care if I went on at 130 But now around midnight So I love it. Who who took the brody spot over? Holtzman, I guess is up there every night now. Uh, he does the main room. He closes out the main room Friday and saturdays And uh, sometimes what about during the week? Who's doing the midnight spot? Um

Let me see. Well barris, of course, uh closes it out every night, but uh You know, I guess it's the newer past people have to go on later on in the or So Felicia goes up a couple times a week, right? I think yeah, she's 30 the poor thing But that's about that 130 spot builds a long character. Oh, it can be pretty brutal Every level of that store builds a different muscle in you And again, it's like any other job you get When the boy says to you go around the building clean and make sure that those certain things aren't there And then one day you're stepping something and it's because that thing explodes and sure

So you see the levels of everything and that's what the store does for you It really is a four to six year college program. Oh, and maybe even longer at the six year At the 60 year You've gotten the rhythm of both rooms you're killing in the original room And you start getting stuck It's a tough time after six or seven years You start to battle yourself You know when you first get there you look at the walls and you go

Why is that a murphy not down here every night? Why isn't damon wanes not down here every night? Why isn't this broad and then one day you go all I get it This is another process the process is to get out of here Jay Leno said it best The process is to get out of the store Always go to the store, but to get out of there to something bigger or better And that's what any murphy went on to do prior They always kept the comedy store at their home at this point my life at 56

I couldn't imagine going anywhere else to do comedy anymore. What's the best? It's the best for a guy like me right to keep my savagery strong Especially in the original room. I gotta raise my voice When I get off stage in the original room 30% just drops out of me I'm wiped out. That's it. The week is over The week is over turn out the lights the party's over And I love that and I but I still remember to go up there

And knowing I was going up there to bomb following dama rara You know how many times you know how many years I went down there knowing I was gonna go down there to bomb Oh, yeah, I mean it's I feel the same way. You know saturday night your spots at 12 30 But at around nine you start calling up just to get the rhythm of the room You're watching the u of c at your friend's house It ends at 10 10 30. So you're still gonna make your spot at the store In fact, you'll be early. I'll buy some powder from lee

I'll get my pills ready. I'll get a drink of me and shit Maybe I'll get a waitress to you know, see if she give her a little blast of coke To get a follow me around. Can I get more after the spot? Check out we'll get out of here. Oh, I had a thousand methods up there And what are we talking about? Just about how you say Going you reach up like a crescendo You you do reach a level there and you never get comfortable. You get frustrated. Oh, yeah, I got very frustrated

By 2004 I was very frustrated In my personal career because I was killing at the store, but nothing was happening It's tough do you feel like oh, that's how I feel right now. I mean now some things are happening, uh, but uh You know, it's you always want more I think you do any road work at all Well, now I can because I have credits but before no one would Feature or headline me because it's like well, too. We just can't bring you up as hey, he's a funny guy But now, you know with the cartoon and you know, I'm dying up here and You know roast battle. I'm pretty popular on that show. Uh

So yeah, I'd love doing the road, you know, because I just I love comedy I'm not in this business to be famous or to make money You know, I realize it's a side effect Of the business, but I just love performing. I get a sexual high from it I've seen the people who have gotten into it for money They give up first It's the people who fall in love with it and go, you know what? This is what I want to do

Yeah, I mean a few and it's gonna take nine years or it could take nine months But I'm gonna die trying. I can't imagine being 54 Medium situation in your life You're not starving You're paying your bills. You put a little money away. You have credit card debt like the rest of America And you look at your life you think, you know, I did okay, but I really wanted to be a guitar player I wish I would have tried one time, you know

I I know I'm never gonna have that fear Like yeah, I could have been an attorney right up the valley college tomorrow and Go on the road 10 weeks see you and do the podcast and go to school law school, you know Yeah, for me, I think it's too late. I'm 56 I'm good. There's nothing I want to do nothing. I want to try. I don't want to go over the seas I don't want to see china. I don't want to know nothing Shit's gonna get ugly pretty soon over there real fast real fast

Uh, you feel you're happy. Is this what you want to do? Oh, absolutely. I you're my age. Well, you're 50 now when you're 57 Are you gonna look at the mirror one day and say, you know what? It really doesn't matter what ended up happening I still did what my dream was since the fourth grade. Absolutely. I mean the only thing I regret is not starting earlier because I started at 30 So I think I started at 18. I started at like fucking 29 28 Well, you know, that's the only thing where I'm like, yeah, you know, I wish I maybe would start it But what would you have to talk about at 21? Not much, but uh, I don't know. I just uh

You know 27 you've had hard you had you've had heartbreak An uncle has died a parent has died. You've lost a cat your girlfriend cheated on you with the neighbor Some other girl gave you gonorrhea. You had like experience at 27. You know what I'm saying? You have $60,000 in debt and student loans. You're looking at life a little different than 21 I like people who have gone on stage while they were in college. I have nothing against that I really don't I I have more power to them. They got their feet went earlier But I think they really found their voice Once you got to pay your own bills

Is when you start finding your real voice and I may be wrong. Oh, no, I don't know But I just wish maybe maybe just a little earlier. No, I'm perfect when I did it when I did it I'm perfect. I have no fucking regrets. I started at 28. I got serious about that 30 30 I'm like, okay. If this is what we're gonna do We got to pull up our fucking sleep. I get it. I get the work pattern This shit I've been doing for the last three years Are getting on stage every two weeks and telling people I'm a comic that that's not gonna work Right, you got to do this 18 times a night and

You know put your fucking glasses on and go deep. Oh, yeah, you know the deeper the better I mean, I've always had the work ethic, but uh, I guess now it's trying to navigate the other side of the business, you know, the networking the I like to call it palming, you know, hey, how are you brother? The networking is done on stage As a comic if I'm an agent and you come up to me and said eroskake or comedian and I go joe d and ca How's it going? Good. Try to put my career together. Are you on the one up tonight? No Then why the fuck are you here? Right, that's always been my opinion. Don't go no way. You don't belong

But if I go down to see chrystalia And I walk in the room I get settled I sit I catch my hair and I look up when I see eroskake. Oh And I approach him You see what I'm talking about. Oh, I got it. Yeah, no, it's um It's interesting for me to listen you guys talk about this stuff because for now Like I take it seriously, but I don't I don't even think I'm really in the business of stand-up. It's still just It's more than a hobby, but I'm I'm

For me getting paid is a bonus So it's good. It's interesting to hear you guys talking about When I like when you act when you basically go pro at it and how you have to Figure out how to get paid how to get how it turns into more than just something you enjoy doing I'm just uncomfortable promoting myself like even this weekend the clusterfest. I had a icm agent Asked me about the cartoon. I'm like I was almost embarrassed like oh, it's It's going okay, you know, it's going good, you know, I'm not I just I wish I could talk myself up a little more because I think to get

To that next next level of you and rogan and delia you've got to self promote more Yeah, I have a problem with that too And I think a lot of I hear a lot of people say they have problems with it But um, and you don't want to be the guy who who over does it But I think I think you don't want to wish you had done it or or you you can't get no one's gonna do it for you There's too many people here. Yeah, I mean you have to do it yourself because you know There's 10 other people who will do it for themselves Look at it. Look at it as letting the guy know what you're doing

And letting that person know what you're looking to do right without Don't come up to me and say hi heros cake. Oh, yeah, you look very funny tonight. I know Anything else going on in your life? Yeah. Well, my film just took second place in the chicago film festival That's when I say good night You know, so I rather you say to me Yeah, I'm working on a one-man show about my wife She got hit by a motorcycle In the head when she was walking

You know, I'd rather you tell me about your future Right and let me know what you're doing on a little basis not you're throwing it at me Right, right. You know, I've been fortunate enough lately I don't book a lot of stuff, but I booked this cartoon and to be honest here. It's black So i'm very lucky there. They gave me the second season. You're not boasting You're letting me know number one. You're an earner Yeah, I don't listen I don't give a fuck if you got the voice of sinatra

And you could bend over at the same time put roman candle up your ass home Oh flowers out That's quite a show That would be a good show If you can't sell tickets I really don't have any interest in you. I learned a long time ago I get calls. I tell we Every three days from an old acquaintance from town

That's found out the podcast is doing well. I'm getting more spots or whatever And they'll try to sell me on a project they have And that was me 15 years ago People would come to me and say I could pitch And I would come up with something and then we pitched and the people say thank you for coming here Because the guy I was with was a fucking asshole and the whole thing sucked, but that's not it Even if I walked in there what I love lucy. I was a nobody And people don't want to do business at nobody's. I don't I don't give a fuck if you have the next american idol

I don't give a fuck if you have the next american family. It's very weird how this town works If you have a little bit of heat In the old days they threw you 150 thousand to hold you for a year to see what you were going to do with that move Can you put a rider together? Can you put a pitch together? What shows do you have in mind? What's episode seven going to be about? What's episode nine going to be about? Do you really think you could do that a year? Not really You come up with a half cocktail idea and then when the idea doesn't work. I guess who's fault it is

So now when cbs goes we're looking for a new guy lee comes in and says oh my god I see the cutest white guy his name is ralskake with their name was shown in bc. Yeah next You This is a very weird town. They want to do business with you on the way up They don't want to do business with you on the way down I remember booking the longest yard and trying to get a radio show Guy's name was goomba johnny back in new jersey Big fucking radio show he did a year of time

Because he was shaking down the girls at goddys place I remember calling them as a man and then pick up I met him in a show He got into comedy not the best comedian But because the radio show he was selling 300 tickets a fucking show And he would do these shows and he invited me to do a show and he gave me his number And I go hey, I'm living in this movie. I like to come on and promote it And I called him he was a jersey guy so I thought we had a common bond And when I call and I never got mad at him. It just made me understand where I stood

When I called him he goes, yeah, listen Uh, I talked to the producers and it's not a good idea The bottom line is one on business and making stars You have to be a star to come on the radio show and he really had he had banjo We called in and people like that. I didn't hang up on him. I understood what that meant And it was the truth. I don't give a fuck if you're gonna move it out of the silo There's 80 other people in that movie All when you're out of the silo right, you know

Then it hurt my feelings for three seconds Then you understand the business side of it. Sure because no man in this comedy shit as we learned Now you're at the comedy store Oh, I'm psyched, you know It doesn't never gets old seeing my now we got to take it to the next level. Listen. I'm trying so and how many years have you been doing comedy? I'll say 20 20 and now you're gonna take it to the next level And let me tell you something you can't you know, I know because I took it to the next level at the 16th year right

18th year maybe the 20th year 19th year was where you figure it out And now people call me can you give me you want to come in with an idea? 20 years ago, you weren't calling me. I was the same comedy right It's doing the same raunchy jokes the same raunchy fucking material You know, I've you know many times I've seen Lee come in With no management no agency And do a set in two days later

See you come in with two Jews and a black guy. Everybody's got a suit on one black guy's got a yarmulke on Jews don't have a yarmulke, but the black guy's got a yarmulke on And you're doing exactly the same jokes as Lee pretty much in the same vein And cbs is coming to see you you're in town for a meeting with robin williams state You know, I've seen it a thousand times We never know what's gonna work. It's not up to us The only thing we could control is our growth

Our writing And never to stop doing what we believe in absolutely and what we think we could aspire to be I don't want to know what you really want to be. I want you to keep that to yourself And every day, you know, you go you see somebody you go wow some day. I'm gonna be as good as sebastian Huh, I go down there. They go. How come I couldn't be delir? You know, many times I watch John millenia jerk off all alone myself and throw it in my face So why couldn't I be John millenia? You got to figure out who

skate Yeah, I mean lisa yad has to figure out who lisa yad is But quickly you figure that on stage not a portrait to the audience The quick of this party starts But I see a lot and you're a good warm guy and Never a negative energy out of you Uh, how was this festival this weekend? It's fun. I did a roast battle Uh, it was a tough battle just because I had to battle a transgender comic in san francisco

This is definitely an away game But I got to do todd barry's crowd work show which was super fun You got a website and stuff like that. No, just twitter and instagram url skakel And when does your pub casket released? Usually every tuesday. It's just called inappropriate url And my last name which is kind of weird is just spelled s k a k e l I got a hard time saying this like a fucking tongue twister Yeah, I mean it's I get skankle skunkle skakel

And every time I'm saying it I think I'm saying it wrong. That's what it sounds like skanky. Yeah, I mean it's like skanky's cousin skakel Yeah, it's when you go to the hospital and your leg has finally fallen off And they're like do I have uh, whatever? No, you got kankl. Yeah, whatever. Oh skakel. You have a kankl I mean a skakel So how was your experience at whatever fest? Oh skankfest new york was awesome. New york was uh My first time being there and doing comedy and it uh It was just amazing. It was like I did 11 spots in four days Not all of them went great

I'm kind of bummed about that But I got to do show I got to do a whole bunch of clubs and rooms and thank you to felipe and louis j Gomez and everybody I it uh It was kind of a glimpse ahead to see like what what this could be if I keep going And it showed me how much I love new york and And I got to like like quentin the host at danger field was great to me. Everyone was great. Like it's um Sometimes you hear about some negative stuff about comedians and comedy

This was uh an overall an amazing weekend I got what you guys are talking about who will see what happens But I got I got off stage at a small club the broadway comedy club and this guy was like, oh, i'm an agent Here's my card. Are you are you sag and i'm not anything so that that was amazing? I had one of the best sets of my Year and a half the midnight show at skankfest so I uh, I couldn't be happier That's great. Congratulations. There's a lot of fun

You know, but i'm like the old guy in comedy and i'm seeing all this Like i'm sitting down looking at all you guys Going oh that guy just got on the rotation belt All this is is a rotation belt. You're like a keyboard arm and cookie They put you on the belt and you let piece of dough with three m&m's and a piece of arm and And then depending on how slow you go through the oven That no offense. That's how That's how quick. How dare you that's how quick you fucking stay

But before you hit that If you say i'm gonna jump off the fucking belt Do you know i'm saying oh, absolutely mean at the time you start getting them Getting at the rotation at the improv getting rotation at the laugh factory Now you're placed on a rotation belt And think of the factory being three fucking miles away And it's a fucking another year process in that cave of developing and forming And now let's see how fast convey about it's all up to you and it's this is such a great

Life that we live. I love it because no matter what art what career you pick You pick it you put your head down You're gonna eat shit no matter what you do When you're a doctor, what do you think you walk in there and they give you like it's tv Two guys put the gloves on you And they give you a scissor and you're in there giving orders. No you're cleaning our guts You're washing people's nutsack You're jerking people off so they can

Don't have a heart attack. What hospital is this? I don't know if that's a medical procedure These guys don't know about it. We gotta go to mix it up Huh, that sounds like that sounds like a porno i've seen before But anyways cake. I'm happy. I wanted you're always on the podcast to come in and talk about yourself And then we went off on some tangents and i'm sorry next time we'll get you Oh, we could talk about miami vice the whole because that's so many like Miami vice was a masterpiece Well, the first three seasons were actually kind of dark like it gets

Most of the publicity is for the music and the clothes and like every episode looked like a music video But if you break down the characters, you know crocket was a you know a dark soul, you know Tubbs was always looking for calderone and revenge and swightech would had a gambling problem and You know, so it wasn't just a fluff show the chick jena Fell from the father from taken Yeah, he brought the weapons from the ira and they didn't believe it. That was a very good episode ted newton

Was a very good episode when he would lure drug dealers. He would send the chick out to the beach And she would fall in love with you and then she'd make him She'd come back with a black eye ted newton would fucking walk around with no shirt on And he would say so tell me about the guy and she would say he's cute I think he's got the money And then he goes you ready to work and when he would open up with him smacking her in the face And then she would run to earl's cake on go Joey beat me. We gotta get away from him

But i'm scared I know he's got a gun and eight kilos of coke And I know he needs to sell it and she would know that earl's cake was in the business So she would set you up. You met him out in the desert at construction site He'd get out of the car and blast you And then bury you on the dirt and he had tons of bodies out there. That was a scam He would take the money from you go to his car Shoot you pull away and then bury you when it was a tremendous episode another great episode frank zappa

Yeah on the boat. I don't know who he was working for You know, that's how they by tuesday. They were a great marketing machine Because by tuesday, they'd show you who's gonna be on on friday Your whole week was planned around that friday night. I didn't leave the house till I still remember the It's the pilot Two hours and then the first episode opens up with a columbian guy Getting a drink of water. You see the water pouring into the glass And all of a sudden before he goes to drink it a guy smacks the glass out of his hand

It says tell me who the fuck he is the guy's like, I don't know They call the Argentina and he's got a hit list. All right. And all of a sudden you see crock and tubs in that boat Just going out for the Bahamas That's how the first episode is And they go down there and he falls in love with calderon's daughter Yeah, and he knocks her up and they shoot calderon Episode one two or three

No, it had to be like episode four or five. He was a little yeah, they shoot calderon. They get calderon. They come back And then season three That's my favorite season is When crocket and Tubs go to a diner And crocket has the tubs has to make a call And a carpool. Yes, they put two guns to his head. They put him in a van They take him away and he walks into a house. It's gorgeous

It's a chick that comes out It's a chick. He had the affair with calderon's daughter And no, she's got a kid, but she's got a brother who's played by John Leguizamo 1987 It's 2019 John Leguizamo 1987 Played calderon's son tremendous episode. Oh, there's so many good ones tremendous episode

And next thing, you know calderon takes the kid And ties the sister up in the Cadillac Is this on netflix i haven't seen it This is on cbs until well, you know now it's on i just bought all five seasons. I think it's on amazon prime Or lulu lulu or amazon prime put him and they put the the baby in the car with the sister and are surrounded by dynamite And when they attack they blow up their baby And the fucking thing

But before that whole scene goes down Who was the guy that popped into the scene? He was a commissioner Leah Yacocca This is how strong this show is the president of fucking chrysler Is on this episode and people went nuts He played like this fucking crazy guy I don't have to check it out like yeah going there and bomb him. It's a free zone. I don't care what you do So when they bomb him they bomb him

They think calderon's dead. They go through the rubbish They find paperwork They do this whole thing They show tubs depressed And the episode ends with them being in a funeral parlor They're outside and they're burying the sister and the baby Everybody's there and a flower truck pulls up Late and puts a stand up

And when tubs takes the fucking thing off it he opens it up and it's her hearing And it says i'll be back That's how the season. I mean this was they were fucking with the insides. It's a dark a dark show episode Tony almano That was the first Tony arcaro Tony arcaro Was the guy that's still around That they buried him in the wall. Yeah

They buried him in the wall Bruce mcgill and the cop had a nervous breakdown And he kept saying that he knew what Tony arcaro was and they were like he was dead And finally he took him to the thing Yeah, but the top and the dire straits song. Yes the dire Whatever the name of that. Oh, that's a great song. Yeah, it's very haunting But uh and the guy who was his partner Right, it was david strathorn. Yes, he's in the new godzilla movie. I

We can surprise don't you could go for but i'm talking about there was a guy's name was tony amato Tony amato was played by bruce willis He played an episode as a guns dealer that beat his wife Tubbs got involved uh crocke got involved with the wife And at the end of his bodyguard Was another guy from the comedy store. He's banned from the comedy store. His name is viny kerlo Oh, wow, he punched dice in the face. They called mitzi a cunt That'll do it the good old something to dice. He either smacked dice

He did but viny kerlo was almost a world champion. He could have fought fucking the guy from boston That movie no Whatever his name is the top the guy from boston From brockton mass All right, right the eighties the toughest guy not marvin hag Yes, he could have fought him. He was up next to fight him. I mean, I was a text cob guy myself. Yeah, he played I think text cob was on miami vice too. Yes He was sold with fucking uh

Went when they killed swight tech Yeah, but my favorite ever from miami vice was a guy by the name of charlie barnett I was just I on my parents graves I was just gonna say my favorite episodes are the ones with charlie barnett and martin ferrero Izzy and the nougman Let the nougi boogie. Let the nougi boogie. Well, mr. Calder. No Maybe you're not familiar. Mr. Calder own style. Maybe you're not familiar. Mr. Nougman style Mr. Nougman was dave chappelle's mentor. Yeah

He opened up dave would open up for him in washington square park He auditioned for cyanide live. He got it, but there was a problem. He couldn't read. Yeah So they gave the role to eddie murphy instead. So eddie murphy was born from charlie barnett's Not being able to read but everybody respected When charlie barnett was on miami vice, they would basically call and go come down And just do your own lines. Oh him and izzy had such great chemistry him and izzy were tremendous They had just watched the one before chan came on About the pirates. Oh, that was another the college fun kids that became pirates

And izzy and the nougman's that ever since it was coming up. He's yelling at the white girl You got to go underneath and all this stuff and he died of hiv but He was great dc cab. Yeah with the barbarian brother. Yeah, barbarian brothers david and peter paul 36 eggs a day they we don't do steroids We just keep 36 eggs a day. Jesus. I worked out once next to them a cold shim in venus. No, you did. Yeah I mean, I where are they today? Oh, I don't think they know where they are. Uh, I would guess out here eating eggs

Uh, yeah, probably cold shim and venus. They were throwing weights at each other And I mean like 40 pound dumbbells like it was a baseball. I was like, wow, it's like roid rage Uh, so You know, but yeah dc cap bill mar Gary bucey adam ballwin, uh, who's like tea. Yeah, uh, we're seeing that dc cap. Yeah Look it up. Mr. T Max the guy from barney miller, um bald guy max bear. I think, uh Uh, great cast

I saw bill mar once at the uh store and you know, i'm sure he's used to people. Hey, I love you unpolitically Incorrect, and I just looked at him like dc cap, bro, and he looked at me like don't bring that up It's a great moment Mr. T is dc cap. He's on the he's on the cover. Oh, wow. I mean, it's been a hot minute since I've seen it, but you know I'm much more familiar with miami vice You know, I like that you're a student of the game. I like that you're really a student of the game and uh Well, I mean the old time shows I have some meetings the next couple weeks and they're very loose meetings

I'm going into vp's or whatever talking to them And it's very loose meetings until I was doing something. What do you tell these people? What do you tell people what's wrong with television? You know And my big thing is to let them know that when I came to this country TV was my everything. So everything from television emotions how to act how to speak different things And the shows had more heart room 222 and oh my god squad and Mission impossible was just a brilliant show that Why they can't remake it perfectly?

baffles me I would I wanted to pitch that show the last four years And the first guy I would take Is jackson sons of anarchy. Oh charlie hunnam. He's an english guy with an english accent white people love all that shit He's the lead he's hot Give him a female lead and a cast of three that nobody's ever seen before so you keep them at scale Give charlie hunnam charlie hunnam one seven fifteen episode And he'll get it he got it on fx. He'll get it on cbs

So you got to pay his fucking toll. He's with caa so That was the mission impossible and do it the same way it's 2019 obviously you can't get a tape recorder And you can't get a fucking phone, but you can sit down. There's a cell phone there You open it up and you press the button. It's lisa yak on mr. Diaz. Good morning It's tuesday april 26 Today, we're looking at a guy named herald skakel international gun smuggler. We want you to go to his building

Get us to proof and don't get any agents killed just say for self-destruct in 30 seconds Then they will put the phone down and also the smoke starts coming out of it. Also you hear Your head would go fucking crazy They've never done that but even if they do get it they would miss something They would try to add comedy to it or add a love story to it Go with the original recipe, but number one don't lose the patois of the show Well, I think it's like uh, like i'm a huge bad newsbearers. Right the first one. I need the seven The golden era tv was those 70s. Oh 100. So ones that really broke through was the jefferson's

The good times to sample the sons you need to go back to that blueprint What television is never going to be able to compete With streaming, but I don't think you can because like if you like the bad newsbearers to me is a perfect example The original one none of those kids were actors. They were kids And in the remake with billy bob thorton, they were clearly kids. All right We need a good-looking kid to play tan or boil and you know We need the fat catcher but that fat catcher in the original one You can tell he's just a fat kid with no acting ability. It was great making him a transgender kid. Oh watch out

How funny would that be? That's 2019 Now he's not a fat kid. He's a black kid That wants to that identifies as a female. He wants his rights I mean the coach has to look at you and go But your name is charlie Yeah, but my name is really iran I mean that's definitely It's coming it's a character. I didn't see maybe it could work

Listen, man, they just got to do something with tv because it's not competing with what the fuck is going on Well, I just don't stream it. Everybody has a different show. They're watching Congratulations to gabriel glaces. Yes, that flick series Mr. Iglesias I haven't watched it yet. I got a flight this week and that's all I'll let it go or else kakal. Thank you very much for coming on Don't forget you any dates coming up anywhere else kakal. Uh, just a cartoon on adult swim right now What's under the cartoon? It's called the jellies by tyler the creator and uh, But I just I mean this from the bottom of my heart and then some of your fans may think of this as ass kissing

I'm a horrible ass kisser, but If everyone in comedy were like you be a lot easier business to navigate. We're trying brother We're trying to convert them young so when they get up to that point They know to get out get off when the light comes on They know to be respectful And most of all they're fucking savages because that's what I need you to be Fuck all that christianity. I need you throw away the cross I like the bible on fly if you want to be a comic. There's no rules. Bitches. There's no borders

I want to thank girls cake. Well, don't forget friday and saturday thing saturday is already sold out Columbus the funny bone. I'm coming in conch suckers. I'm doing Louis Louis tie on saturday morning I'm gonna get some fucking lunch in town And that's it and that's that the funny bone go for tickets right now And then july 5th. We had an extra show at the rec room in huntington Beach so july 5th The fourth you sit there. You watch firecrackers. You hang out with chinese people

And then the fifth you come see uncle joey. All right. I love you mother fuckers one more time for earl skakel One more time for my knees lee syat And now for a word for my sponsors. All right. I want to thank my main man earl skakel I want to thank the flying juba most importantly. I want to thank you guys. Listen as most of you have found out the hard way Getting into debt is easy getting out of debt is hard. Especially if your fico score isn't great Thankfully now this upstart.com The revolutionary lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score And offers you smarter interest rates to help you pay off your high interest credit card debt

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I want to thank vencero watches. I want to thank cbdline.com and most importantly I want to thank upstart. Get your life together. It all starts with upstart I want to thank my man L. Skakel. I want to thank the flying jew But I want to thank you motherfuckers. I'll see you this weekend. Columbus, Ohio funny bone Columbus funny bone.com. There's only tickets for friday available Do what you gotta do. I love you motherfuckers. See you thursday hit it lisa. Yeah Oh Stupid things you said

I Had a world into our sins The roll-ups could find us when we Made our plans on a secret leave To run away, help her to be the happy birds of paradise Oh We're happy together I thought about you

Stuck home and roll Me and my hotel room You in your home This is the life they say that dreams are made of Well, don't forget to please you for giving me I had to have a soup and you did give me Come and derive the dreams and I'll live with me and dream Oh

Oh