Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #696 - Andrew 'Dice' Clay

Episode Date: June 27, 2019

Andrew 'Dice' Clay, an iconic stand up comedian and actor seen most recently in "A Star is Born," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get your first month for just $5.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your portable bidet.  

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prescription products are subject to doctor approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine its prescription is appropriate see the website for full details and safety information but for right now go to four hymns dot com slash church that's four hymns dot com slash church listen the summer's here wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does who gots nothing it does not remove all this shit if you got shit on any other part of your body would you just wipe it off with dry paper fuck no water cleans cock sucker better than dry paper so thank God for Tushy Tushy is a portable bidet

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he's got the Christkiller and you got your uncle Joey Diaz motherfuckers and you what's the story I love that I love that that's the jam and I love how I can kick in with that it really is that's a jam in a decade years ago when you asked me in a century you know we're gonna come out with us and it was like instant I didn't ever there was no thought yeah I've done a lot of lovely fucking breaks that's it yeah I do love it I do love it great to have you on the show you great spin in beautiful thank you congratulations on a star is born

now here's the fucking crazy thing a lot of people don't know I know this because we had Nick Longa sitting there oh okay you also want to do the guessbook so anyway the green book the green book yeah guess book the green book any way you call it you're gonna either be in one Academy Award nominated film or fucking tool well you know what honestly I was really happy for Nick because you know just like us the guy struggled and struggled and I know all about the movie and what the movie was about about his dad and like he couldn't even believe like when it was gonna get made you know what I mean like when

there was a deal falling into place and then all of a sudden Spielberg signed on you know I think what's it called Amblin you know and Nick's coming to me going you know Spielberg's now producing this like I was just thrilled for him because there's a guy just like us you know did whatever he had to do to pay his rent you know and you know now he's he's the winner not just the best picture the best screenplay and he's just cooking now as a matter of fact he was talking about you cuz she both did the sopranos pretty yes yes how was that great he was great he's like the greatest guy right sweetheart of a man you know just a

sweetheart I remember I shot a film with him in 2012 oh okay so you know that's how we met and he was explaining his the story to me about his father blah blah blah until this day I've always said any mob movie I've ever seen his father's got the best line any movie opening of the Pope of Greenwich Village Mickey Rook walks into the restaurant and the major D says to him or the way that goes the guy wants to talk to you in the back that's how the movie opens it's still rolling he goes into the bathroom and there's a guy shaking his dick rips the paper off the thing and he goes oh how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're

looking to bother that it fucking just just threw me off that's like our movie yeah somebody wants to borrow money they're there 10 minutes before like no but the Pope is like a Bible to us you know I lost my fucking mind but it's now talking to you about the film me a favor don't cook Mickey's first line tell me a favor don't cook Charlie I'm coming I'm coming Charlie well he says to him after they cut his thumb off and he's in the room with the punching bag oh wait wait wait a minute and I haven't done this in a long time and he's a little stoned out from taking all the pills because Mickey's going how many

you know I don't know I took them all I don't fucking know and then he's like hitting the the there's a heavy bag and Mickey's telling him how his girlfriend dumped them you know and Eric Roberts character is like what's his name again in the movie every time it's Charlie Charlie he's all Paulie Paulie there you go sometimes you got a smack on you know you got to say you put your coat on and you don't say good night to no body and that's just a humble little you know and then he passes out from the thumb you know I mean you don't smack them then knock them out he's what does he say no he goes sometimes you got a smack no no

you smack her and say you put it's not about knocking them out it's just your clothes you gotta smack it on and you don't say good night yeah you put your coat on and you don't say good night tight no body and that's just a humble little you don't hit them like you're in the old country but you give them a little whack he says something right yeah well I don't have the exact script in front of me I'm sorry I haven't thought of it dirty five years ago wow so nobody's got the right script in front of yeah it's dirty five fucking years ago you've shown me the clip of that I have seems pretty close I have been waiting for

the sequel to that there's no sequel they had it and it's so funny because the guy that was like a PA on that movie was the producer on Spider-Man 2 did what you know and I went up to him and shook his hand he's like how did you even see that did you know who the original cast was supposed to be for Pope no it was supposed to be Pacino and James Kahn that's it was gonna do that movie and what happened they fell out and Mickey and and Eric Roberts did it and that's the only way I could ever see that movie now like it even when I think of how great Pacino and James Kahn I'm sure they would have done but you just see the

scene like we're doing the scenes from the movie there's so many great lines in that movie when they're at the fucking horse table and then milk in the hole whatever the fuck they're doing the foot and he goes it's like your mother's mozzarella not for nothing but I went to your mother's store last week tough mozzarella and the guy gets and he gets nuts the cacuzzo's have never made a bad piece of mozzarella yeah because that's real Italian not for nothing but your mother's mozzarella is a kind of tough it was kind of tough I used to do all that on stage all the impressions he cut his thumb off with a knife Frankie

Vincent's uh-huh I love Frank I got to work with Frank Vincent I got to work with Mickey before you sit there and you go what a fuck happened all these years I was a good fucking here for movies no but he Frank did a ton of movies Frank was amazing amazing you know you know you know he was supposed to be Scorsese was looking at him for when they were doing the raging bull okay and so they were looking at a film like a B movie with Frank Vincent and in the background was Pesci you know like doing something on stage because him and Frank were partners like a comedy team and and Scorsese was like who's that guy and

they both obviously wound up in the movie but it made Pesci's career because he wasn't even being thought of at the time from what I know from the stories I've been told so they both wound up becoming these big-time actors he put him in everything Frankie Vincent except I think Mean Streets yeah is Frankie Vincent no no this is all this is all post post mean street you know this was once it became like raging bull time no I was it was a good film which ever one came first raging bull raging bull came first okay 80 180 okay and then good and then he was like a restaurant waiter or something Joe Pesci a manager at a

restaurant and him and Frankie was a drummer yeah Frankie Vincent was a drummer or something and they were like in some we had like a little drum battle yeah you crack a joke and I hit the symbol well they were a team they were team yeah that's why I heard but we did we did this movie that never came out me and Frank Vincent we did Linux stop of Mexico it's called the good life was this crazy thing that we went through in Mexico for like two months but there was a set of drums so we were going back and forth he was a good drummer he was like a real jazz drummer you know great guy just a great guy like he's the

way you would have wanted him to be when you meet him you know he didn't play the you know when I'm not on screen I'm this quiet asshole like some of these actors are you know he had the personality Pesci the greatest you know all these guys and when I first met you you were just getting off the set of a movie with Stallone and his brother that's the movie the good life and you were playing golf or something like that yeah you tortured the movie never came out you tortured the brother to no end because he wasn't being a team player would you torture Frank if if I get into that story we will not get to talk

about anything else and I love you know Frank give me one torture chamber you put the Frank okay you know my world Frank a to the rap music okay no but Frank happens to be like a great great singer like he's got that Sinatra style singing like he can do that with the big band okay and but I didn't know too much of it back then all right so anyway Frank would go off and piss all over Harry Connick who was the biggest at the time with the big band stuff okay and so me and Frank would argue over this and I'm saying how great Connick is you know and Frank would piss all over it and one day in the makeup trail at this this

act of Peter Dobson was also doing the movie with us so I loved entertaining Dobson by fighting with Frank all day and night you know and the reason the fighting would happen would be because he wasn't being a team player with us like Frank would be like do you understand this movie is my fucking shot you know and I'm the lead in this move and then he'd leave my room and I'd look at Peter Dobson and go I'm gonna turn this movie into a fucking Jerry Lewis movie and the movie the movie was supposed to be follow the kind of movie this was supposed to be good fellas on a golf course okay okay it's a very tough movie you know

and I'm behind Frank doing impersonation of him smoking he doesn't even see me doing this shit I'm mocking him on screen because of the way he treated us okay so now he's with the Connick bullshit so one day I come in to make up this is and it's 110 degrees in Exotpa Mexico you ever been to Exotpa no nobody has you understand there's nothing there I didn't eat food for five weeks everybody was winding up in the fucking hospital Don Barris broke his like ankle in a hole in the floor or something so every day I would eat at five o'clock I would have pasta and garlic bread and coke with purified ice and I wouldn't eat till

the next day at the same time that's all I would eat because everybody was falling at the waist and going to the hospital but it was a beautiful island in Mexico okay so I come into to make up and Frank's there and he's blasting that it's distorted his his cassette tape okay of his music that's how loud he was playing and I don't say a fucking word because you know when I have a thing about me and I really made it like a big thing when I did entourage about nobody fucks with dice dice does the fucking in the long run for always and forever dice does the fucking that's just the way it is I don't care if it's an executive a

showrunner or an actor whoever wants to fuck with me learns that in the end I will do the fucking that's it it's how I've lived my life so I'm letting the music just blast and Peter's there and he's not saying nothing and I'm doing my hair and makeup and so now when I'm done with the makeup you know Frank's still sitting there and Peter's still sitting there and as I'm passing the the distorted cassette player I lower the volume okay and I go you know something Frank you know I'm gonna say it and I'll say in front of this whole trailer full of people you do sing better than Harry Connick Jr. I go the

differences Harry Connick Jr. sings the songs people want to hear and that's why he did nine nights at Madison Square Garden and I cranked the music and fuck you he's trying to yell at me and I just walked the fuck out you know it's like come on but Frank really does in all honesty he's like an unbelievable crooner all kidding aside with a 16-piece orchestra this guy swings like Sinatra you know and I even have him on like all my playlists like you know how you make playlists on your iPod all that and I would call this fucking moron and I'd go you know once we became friends again it only took like three years after

the movie and I go Frank why are you not in Las Vegas with the orchestra just swinging five nights a week well dice if you got me an agent why the fuck do I need to get you an agent I go you're a Stallone you're your sly's brother he can't get you a personal appearance agent you're one of the best I go and I love like Michael Buble I love all these guys but he sings better Frank is better he's just a better singer you know you either feel something when you perform or you don't you know and he's one of those guys when he gets on stage he just feels it you know and then he'll pick up the acoustic guitar no not the

acoustic who gives a fuck about you with an acoustic guitar swing motherfucker just fucking swing he's amazing he really is amazing he put an album out maybe 12 years ago I used to work out at this gym and they threw the cassette out the fucking DVD yeah whatever he walked the gym they put rap music yeah no he's actually a great guy he reads like a book a day like you know but you know and then you know that movie never came out there was a lot of problems and Dennis Harper was in the movie you know sly was in the movie they did it he did a cameo you know and you know I it just became a mess and you know I you know I

had like a so nothing now what happened I get a call there's a long time ago so I guess I can select 30 years and so I you know I get a call I'm sitting at the pool with my you know wife at the time I gotta whisper this and so now I get a call like from Sly's attorney that there's a problem and there might be a big lawsuit with the movie so I'm trying to tell the attorney like well you know if there's a problem you know call me whatever like I'm blowing it off because you know it was like a little indiscretion with me and like one of the producers like a little like like a little onset affair it was an accident you

know and you know so so I couldn't be sitting on the phone next to the woman I love going I can't talk about it now because you know there was a you know thing with the producer you know but if you need me I'm with you you know it's crazy what would go on I just you know I'm no fucking good I just can't help myself I left you know but the marriage didn't work out I don't believe I'm cheating on your wife but if you bump into a blowjob so I don't look at it I never look at it like cheating a little bird that just comes down and sucks your dick and flies away no but how does this sound Joey it's not cheating if you're

in another state and your wife can't get there in time you know like I've called different wives and girlfriends and go I will wait till midnight to blow my cork but you got to be there and be ready to catch it you know or else I got no choice you leave me no choice you know I'm nice like that I don't want to cheat on you know what I mean they do it to themselves you know how are you gonna get from across the country I got a load that's boiling in my balls you know what I mean I got a complete face full of paste for you you know what I mean so where are you there where are you with your cock holder you know and

your mouth where the fuck are you you know what I mean you know cuz cuz I'm a guy I really do enjoy sex I you know it's the reason I date you know you know I don't mind blowing my own load but you know I'd rather have somebody there yeah that if I'm bored with myself all right come over here don't be shy you know what I mean move the pillows out from between us I do hate sharing a bedroom with a girl oh yeah you know I mean and trust me I'm not doing any like stage material here I'm not showcasing foot whoever's listening this is just who I am but like you know like let's say you have an argument like with your chick okay what

do you do you turn you back to her right always you know like like that's gonna stop you know all of a sudden she opens up the laptop with the glow like a like a UFO just landed in the fucking bedroom so you're not gonna be able to sleep but if you have your own bedroom and not everybody could afford it you know but if you have enough bedrooms it's like have your own fucking bedroom so when you do have an argument you just go over there you know instead of being in the same room and hearing the heavy breathing are you really gonna be like walk out of the room just walk out of the room I don't care where you sleep you

know what I mean so it's very hard to share a bedroom you know that's what I believe in him I don't even know what we're talking about this stuff because the fuck because I was no fucking good you know I tell my sons all the time I go you know I'm you know a smoker you know which I quit now you know I'm a gambler you know I you know I would I cheat on all my girls you know because you know because they just don't allow you to bang other chicks without any repercussion you know I just never understood that you know the whole Mormon thing always threw me off going so why could some jerk-off guy living in

fucking Utah be able to fuck ten chicks to take a pick this one for tonight or this and you know and I'm the nicest guy in the world and I get one and then all of a sudden you know because I'm not the guy that bangs him that time at a month I could live without it that time at a month but give me like a little room right you know you know let me go have a few laughs I didn't create this cycle that you go through and now today you know how they all want you to really understand what they who the fuck cares what you go through I'm not a girl I'm never gonna understand this shit just tell me when I could hop the fuck back

on that's all I want to know yeah you know like if I start dating a girl I like ask her like I know when that kind of time in a month like like do you really get like in a bad mood like one to ten like you know like give me the answers to the test that I need to know if I can make this a serious relationship you know like between one and ten how bad is it do you go seven days is it a three-day like quickie you know because I'm not waiting seven fucking days and watching you angry for seven days there's no way I'm living with you if that's the fucking thing you know just live on your own and come see

me when you when you when wait when you're available to do whatever I need done are you done with marriage now are you writing it off I mean I you should never say done you know what I mean like I'm not looking for it because you know I would like to know you know it's like two years since me and my ex broke up so it's time like you know I like having somebody but number one she's got to be hot as balls you know what I mean that's you know I'm not gonna settle for anything less you know I mean why go with something that looks like fucking livestock you know what I mean I'm in fucking show business I'm dice so you

know you know I want to be picky about who the next one is and but marriage I don't know maybe you know I would marry like maybe I don't know like a like something different like somebody number one wealthier than me you know I mean 22 year old Chinese it's not even about the age just have a lot more money than me like if I met like an armless billionaire beautiful there's something I haven't been with you know what I mean like like she won't have to turn her car like with her teeth you know what I mean like you know what I mean to make that the illegal you turns that would be different but be nice you know if I met

like like all the girls I've ever married you know and there've been a ton of them and engagements and all kinds of shit and but I would actually I got a thing like I actually need to really be crazy about the girl I married because you know like when you meet these women that looking for a guy like with a lot of money and they spend their life like looking you know to collect diamonds and cars and money it's like you're wasting your time on earth being with somebody you're not even really into yeah you know what I mean we're most of the women from LA or was it it's women from anywhere like you know a lot of mothers

do teach that girl oh it's just as easy to marry rich as it how about marrying just what you love you know I mean because any girl I ever married I was in love with that's it till I hated them you know till it fell apart you know cuz as Joey even knows my relationships have been like I was with my son's mom for 16 years that's a that's a long run you know even my last relationship was nine years that that's a long run you know so yeah I never went you know with a girl for her money you know like yeah when I came out here I was dating Sandy Shaw for a little while Mitzi was like oh you'll marry my daughter I was 21

fucking years old you know and you know forget about Jewish girls you know yeah cuz my first girl was a Jewish girl and she just wrecked it for all the other Jewish girls just awful to be with we get an argument if I would look at a girl in another car okay I had a 69 Le Mans and we're driving down Kings Highway in Brooklyn she'd open the door to throw herself out of the fucking car moving go I'd have to grant what the fuck is right this was not a one-time event okay this went on at least once a week where she's throwing herself out of the car a moving car and um so one night I asked how to marry me you know

cuz I wanted a guarantee getting blown it was New Year's Eve right and so she goes let's go tell my parents whatever so I go it's two in the morning we don't have that you know let's do this instead you know cuz now you're gonna be married and now let's go so we go wake the parents up and we're sitting there and I actually re sort of did this in my first special dice man cometh right where this girl calls me she goes what's he ever gonna be he's like a nothing that's how this girl would act because her father I don't want to name names or anything but her father at that time was a top NBA ref in the country and back

then referees was famous as the players you know and I don't even follow sports but he was like if you heard his name it was like fuck you know you know and the guy made like 50 grand a year and you know all the perks whatever so we wake the parents we're gonna get married and she starts in with me it's three in the morning about the ring now I'm working in a clothing store I'm bringing home like 200 a week and I'm you know I wasn't thinking this far I wanted to blow a job you know I mean I'm not thinking about spending 30 grand on a ring you know and she goes what do you mean you're not gonna get me I go I can't

afford an expensive ring right now and she starts a fight in front of her parents and all of a sudden you know I'm an explosive personality so I'm just like fuck you fuck huh I'm yelling at the parents I go you keep this no good fucking bitch I'm out of this relationship and I go to leave the apartment which had a bunch of steps leading to the front door that she's now wrapped her arms around my neck and letting defeat drag on the steps and I'm screaming at her father get this fucking animal off of me before she gets fucking hurt and the father's fucking pulling her off for me you know and I'm

like this is three in the morning this is three in the fucking morning happy new year Andrew happy fucking new year you know and you know so after I went with that girl I swore off like Jewish girls and on my way to LA first it was San Diego where my sister lives and that's where I met Sandy who was you know she was a great chick you know and I guess she liked my attitude because you know I knew and I was in comedy for six months I don't know about spots I don't know about I was headlining pips after my audition on a Wednesday night I was headlining Friday Saturday you know because I had an act where it turned

from Jerry Lewis and to John Travolta from Greece so it would just kill so when I come into the comedy store because my sister goes oh there's a comedy store in in in La Jolla you know and I go yeah but what if the one in LA's when she goes no I think they're connected like you know so I go over there and remember John the bartender yes okay so it's daytime so I come over to this guy and I go yeah I'd like to uh where do I sign up I want to go on tonight you know I just came from a Tahoe in Vegas you know I was performing there you know it was a sandy hacket thing and you know I made it like it was a gig but it was just a

showcase and he goes oh you can't just sign up you know you got a you got to talk to the manager and I go well where is he goes no it's a it's a she she's in her office knock on the door you know be be nice with her you know I'm like yeah okay you know like I'm not even thinking Mitzi comedy you know it means nothing to me you know so it's sandy and yeah can I help you I go yeah where do I sign up for tonight you know she goes what do you mean where do you sign up you know it doesn't it doesn't work like I go honey you know I just did Vegas I just did Tahoe you know I want to go on like what do I got to do and she liked me

immediately you know because like I was might as well been from another planet because I was from Brooklyn and I never went I never left Brooklyn till I came out here and she goes well why don't you come back tonight about 9 o'clock and I'll get you on and I and I went on and dazzled her and next thing you know we're in her that she had this great Riviera and next thing you know we're walking the beach and you know where they keep the condos and you know and then I come to LA and I showcase for Mitzi I did 28 minutes which the MC you know Rob Aguayo do you remember yeah he was an MC back then but I don't know who's the boss

who's the owner I just went on and I did my whole act I give a fuck with the three minutes and this guy starts screaming at me as I'm leaving the stage and I go are you the owner and he goes no but I'll make sure you know I go get out of my way you know unless the owner tells him I go I didn't come 3,000 miles to do three minutes okay so move out of my way I'm warning you you know and then I'm in the bathroom like taking like putting all my Jerry Lewis stuff back in the bag and there's a guy next to me this is my first experience here and how you doing you know you know in the regular bathroom in the original room I go yeah

good you know oh you know me and you we sort of wear our hair the same way you know because I had a lot more hair back then I go yeah you know great you know can I help you with something because I don't do that you know you know he was like coming on to me and who was it fucking with me Gary Shanling that's how I met Gary Shanling and he started laughing I am Gary yeah okay goodbye yeah and uh and then the next day I get a call I was staying with my friend in Alhambra where I just banged this other chick on the couch that he set up for me to his wife and I get a call you got to come to the comedy store and sign papers

you're a paid regular you know and I didn't even know what that all meant I just it was Mitchell Walt is that kept calling my father in Brooklyn he he saw me a pips in Brooklyn he was one of Mitzi's main guys you know Mitchell yes so when he saw the act I was doing he kept calling my father at his office going you don't understand I have prepped Mitzi your son needs to come out here and that's the reason I even came to LA was because of Mitchell you know and you know because he did a whole number but he kept calling my father till I finally said you know what let me go out for two weeks and I didn't go

back to Brooklyn for nine months you know for the first visit you know because Mitzi was like you you can't go back there you know you're a star what year was this it was 79 February 79's when I came out here Jesus yeah I started September 13 78 at Pips in Brooklyn so like you know half a year later I'm in LA so I don't know if there's a comedy boom starting to happen I just figured you know I'll go to LA and just become like one of the biggest stars in the world what do I give a shit I got I have no academic skills so this is what I am it's just I just project myself to the shit so from

the 79 to 87 what was going on I just well I did the Travolta act till I did the Don Kirschner rock concert which I did the Jerry Lewis the Travolta and I ended with Stallone it was amazing how we got away with using all that music you know just not paying a nickel for you know the rocky theme and grease and all the music I used because the producer was Tom Lynch who was 23 years old and I go don't we have to pay like to use he goes just don't worry just do your act and he wound up producing my first special Dice Man Comet and yeah because I took off in it was September 13th okay exactly ten years later

February 13 88 is when I add on the Rodney special on a Saturday and Monday I was the biggest comic in the world you know that was what came first a Rodney special or the advice make no Rodney special I never even really even needed my own special because before my special hit I was an arena's already it was ridiculous no shit and and what I did I predicted and I put this up on my Instagram where I put the ad on my Instagram of I took a full-page ad and variety you know on a Thursday the special was gonna add the Saturday the 13th the Rodney thing so on the 11th because you know Friday how everybody

closes down and show business so I took a full page I spent about 3,500 bucks on a full page half the pages my picture real attitude picture not even in a leather I'm just sitting on a chair backwards and the other side I wrote this whole long poem about I'm like in bold letters I never studied much in school but when I turned on the tube and then I listed everybody like there was Elvis the king buddy rich with hands like lightning Travolta sang and Dan's sly knocked me out Brando made me pout I mentioned all these heroes of mine and at the end I write Murphy and Pryor both great no doubt but in 88 it's dice they'll shout I

never studied much in school dot dot dot but I did study with big bold writing Rodney Dangerfield nothing goes right Saturday and I predicted what it was gonna be to the entire industry and it's exactly how it came down because number one Rodney let me edit my shot because he showed me an edit of my you know what I did and I looked at him and I'm like that's not he goes okay man what don't you work on it all right work on it with the director and I worked on it for a couple hours I show it to Rodney he goes you're happy now man okay all right and that's what he let air because I knew what was going to affect the

public you know I just you know I didn't care what any of the comics we're gonna do on that show I couldn't kill it what's his name Barry Sobel shows up and what's Barry Sobel known for wearing leather jacket no the something that baseball jacket baseball Jack okay so he shows up in a motorcycle jacket that they're all trying to fucking throw me off you know all these fucking guys so I go over to Rodney and I go what what's with Sobel and he goes what do you mean man because Rodney looked at me like I'm gonna be the guy you know that's it like he knew that I was gonna blow up if I did the right set and I go why is he

in a motorcycle jacket that's not what he wears hey Barry come here man you know and Barry's like yeah Rodney he goes what's with the jacket you know goes where's the baseball jacket he goes now I'm gonna wear this he goes well you could wear it but it's not gonna be on TV okay man so go get your baseball jacket dice whiz the leather jacket you know and that was it you know and I came up there we did two shows on two different nights in the first show when I left the stage I came over to my father and my mother and Trini you know and I said done biggest comic in the world I didn't give a shit about the

cameras I played to America that's how you got to do it you know all the other comics worried about what everybody else is doing all I cared about I was so fucking prepared you know I would see these guys fucking around at the comedy still you know the late-night crowds with three people and they're fucking around you know shimmo I ran right they're just fucking around I'm like you dumb fucks man when you get the shot of a lifetime in front of you I don't care if there's nobody in the room I'm running the set you know and that's it because the one thing I know is when you do a shot like that you're gonna be

a little nervous so at least be prepared at least know what's coming out of your mouth no you're not gonna fuck it up you know and Rodney to this day you know without him I wouldn't ever happen you know the greatest and let me do exactly what I wanted to do and edit it exactly the way I wanted to edit it and the rest became history you know how far so you didn't shoot nice man coming for the year and a half no it it had nine months later you know on New Year's Eve 80 so the Rodney thing it's February 13th 88 so we're going into 89 so the Dice Man cometh add New Year's Eve 89 going into 90 at midnight you sure it

wasn't before that yeah because it's nine months after the Rodney special because I got locked up in 88 yeah but that's when I hit or I got locked up I think that the roommate showed me the fucking the special probably sort of Rodney thing because that had a New Year's Eve and then I got out of February of 89 okay after the Rodney's but after my special the Dice Man cometh okay so which had New Year's Eve going into into the next year and New Year's Eve 89 90 I rented out the conference room at the halfway house and I put your special on no you would tell me this stuff I got food and people couldn't believe it they were

blown away that I'm telling you guys get ready for this shit no it was how fucking on IMDB says January 1st 1989 so I think which means midnight right right so yeah I think 88 yeah so not 88 going into 89 not 89 going into 90 I think right I saw it 89 going into 90 okay yeah that's that's when it was that's crazy because February we're gonna sit here like three dummies trying to figure out a date so if the Rodney thing at February 13 88 right yeah so it makes sense 88 going into 89 right yeah nine months later so you knew like were you having bad sets at that point like if you had not done well do you think you

would have known or or do or or do you was that set just something so special like you're like okay I know that that's gonna kick ass the set on on Rodney like you know I was prepared you know I remember you know I was so prepared from everything from the material to what I was wearing the belt buckle was this fucking big you know it was ridiculous and I walked from the Regency Hotel to Rodney Dangerfields Club like I told Trini I go I gotta feel the street you know and as I'm walking you can imagine people looking at this guy that looked like a superhero walking the streets with the belt buckle and the

leather and the glasses it was a whole thing and I come into the club and Rodney standing there and he goes how do you feel man you ready and I'm wearing these dark glasses and I go tonight they pay tonight they get disciplined and he just starts laughing his ass off go okay man tonight they're gonna pay all right man you got some issues you know the way he would you know he just loved how dead serious I was like I couldn't give a fuck who was doing that show you know one of the first things Joey showed me like eight years ago started working together it's it's the world of comedy see this you know back then like you know

nobody got behind me at all you know when I went through the controversy with the news and all that and journalists and they were just coming down on me every comic and his mother was on fucking television shows that weren't even real shows like they were creating morning shows just to talk about this comic that shouldn't even be allowed to perform okay so I had fucking nobody behind me which leads me to the to the Roseanne thing you know and I was like so I was never one of the pack you know what I mean when George Slaughter did the the comedy awards for instance you know the first year they were doing the comedy

awards I think that was 1990 and you know who Tim Jones was right he passed away recently the blackhead yeah no he did a little while ago yeah great guy you know and we always liked each other but we never had much to say to each other we drive to La Jolla together and Tim would always look at me and goes we're just two talkable motherfuckers you know because we wouldn't say a word but we just liked each other what did he die for if you don't I don't know I don't know what a sweetheart you know great guy I mean I haven't seen them since the day I haven't seen them in 10 years but I tell you we both had a pretty bad drug

problem no he's just a nice guy and nice guy and this guy comes over to me so it's the night of it's the year 2000 okay and they're doing the comedy awards which I wasn't invited to I was never invited to anything and I didn't know they're having the party for the comedy awards at the comedy store like after party so I'm seeing all these limos pull up because I said to Trini I just want to get out you know I'll go over to the comedy store because it bothered me you know and here comes Tim Jones over to me at the comedy store and he goes why weren't you at the comedy awards and go wasn't invited and he goes that's

unreal to me he goes how don't they give an award to a guy that has sold more tickets than any comic ever from the day the first joke was told and they didn't give you an award for that because I was doing 80,000 people a week yeah it was ridiculous and I had to leave the store when I saw that George Slaughter because that's what I wanted to do I want to fucking slaughter him you know and I came home that night this is this is kind of funny well it's not funny it's it you know I'm actually meeting with these people tonight they want to do like the dice biopic you know and there's a lot of drama in it obviously you know and

it's these guys that did a straight out of Compton you know so so I'm looking around I'm sitting around this room that in the house I had a house in Beverly Hills so we called the daddy's den where I could smoke my cigarettes I make my phone calls till all I was at a night and it's just bugging the fuck out of me you know all of it no matter how big I was as a comic it's just bothering me and I go inside and I sit on the bed and I guess Trini felt me sit on the bed and she goes are you alright how was you how was your set and I'm just sitting there and I go I'm going back to the garden I go these boys aren't going to grow up without seeing that

and that's it and she goes all right why don't you just you know lay down whatever happened you'll tell me tomorrow and what what wound up happening to go back to the garden this is in 2000 I needed something because I had no heat you know I was living off my my past fame but as far as like I was done I was blackboard from the movie industry the only kind of movies I could do were like B movies you know and um you know which maybe one of them will talk about Brain Smash it with Terry Hatcher that was a special movie and um so I get a I get a a record deal just to have something to promote you know and and I got the deal like in two weeks through this producer and so we put the the record out and at that time I was doing

opium anthony when they were on FM like on the same station as Stern but in the afternoon and since I wasn't talking to Stern at the time I would just do their show okay so my agent calls me up and he goes all right the record I hear is off the shelves you know what's the move like we would always strategize I go book the garden and he goes you want to book the garden he goes last time you were at Westbury you did half a house meaning 1500 people and now I'm telling him to book you know 18,000 like what's going on he thought I'm losing it he goes why don't we do the beacon and if the beacon sells out you know which he didn't think it was you know that it would take months to sell it out he goes we can move the show to the garden so I said Dennis I go the

beacon's gonna sell out in 20 minutes I go you don't understand I'm doing this radio show you go so you do he goes well why the garden like what's so important I go because my my sons who were six and ten at the time need to see that because it'll do something for them you know in the long run is how I thought about it like something will go in that you know like we all looked at our own fathers in whatever way and he goes so you want me to call Ron Dell's name book Madison Square Garden because you need a photo op with your sons I go call it whatever you want I go but it'll sell out there's no problem because you run afternoon drive I don't get it you know so we booked the beacon like he says and everybody's taking bets on opion anthony how long it'll take I'm saying 20

minute it's sold out in 35 minutes beacon theater which would at that time was 3,300 seats so now I call my agent and he don't know what to say because you can't move the show the beacon owns the show so he calls Ron delzner and so now the the beacon is going to be october 20th 2000 so he calls up Ron delzner and delzner who's a legendary promoter which we all know says look obviously dice knows something we don't he feels something we let's put 10,000 seats on sale at the garden look how fast he sold the beacon but the only available date was the following Saturday which is the 26th now of october first day on sale we do over 7,000 tickets which is ridiculous you know but then it gets announced that the Mets are going to play the

Yankees and I'm not even into sports but I know how big a subway series is going to be the bottom line is I get a call the day of the garden which you know Trini's there my sons are there you know they're going to see this now you know so delz it's Ron delzner and he goes would you mind if we open up the back he goes we're clean he did the sellout you know so we did the last night of the world series the Mets playing the Yankees we did over 14,000 people at the garden and my boys got to see it and now they're rocking and rolling okay so where I was going with this whole thing was about you know how even back then just nobody ever stood the only one that ever stood up for me was Eddie Murphy you know he did come you know one time he came out on a cineo and talked about

how he doesn't give a shit what anybody thinks he's coming to see me at the amphitheater and um but other than that all you know the Jay Leno's these fucking Jerkoffs let him in nobody backed me up you know that bad mouth of me I remember coming over to Leno when he said something nasty about me and I just came out in an interview in Penthouse which I was the first guy ever put on the cover of Penthouse you know other than Bob Gucci on himself I was the first male on the cover of Penthouse and it did great and uh you know and I came over to Leno at that time and he goes whoever thought we both get to you know where we got to and I go let me tell you something I knew exactly where I was going maybe you didn't I go but I'm telling you if I ever hear you say anything nasty about

me again I go you're a guy I stood in front of that comedy store with for 10 years and bullshitted about vintage cars and my old Cadillac and then the minute I made it you wanted to open up your fucking mouth I go if I come looking for you again it's not going to be any talk involved believe me just keep your fucking mouth shut you know and I never respected Leno because and it wasn't even me it was course his whole reign on the Tonight Show he never helped other comedians you know he didn't do what Johnny Carson did he didn't look to make comics look great and sit him down and get him deals and you know when Johnny brought you out if he liked you the next day you got to deal with the network you know he would say how great you are these guys wanted to

sit above look down on you and now now let him in on fucking Netflix looking like 145 year old Santa Claus what the fuck is that looks like he's got hay all over his fucking face just go to your house and stay in your fucking house nobody wants to look at you like that you fucking jerk off asshole guy that's what I think of those kind of guys no seriously like picture if you're Johnny Carson if he walked over to me I would I would shake in my boots I go so nice to have met you like whether I was on a show or not it's it's Johnny Carson who loved comedy when Don Rickles was on when Rodney was on when any comic came on Carson he looked at it this is their moment I'm on every fucking night for what an hour and a half you know let them shine not these assholes you

know you know get get them on get them off you know not how great they are honestly if Jay Leno walked over to me I said get the fuck out of here I'm having coffee who are you you know no respect that's what I'd give them because they don't earn it you know you got to earn that kind of shit so now here we are years later okay and Roseanne has her little problem you know when she was on the fucking Ambien or whatever the fuck it was which I personally have been on Ambien I haven't been on it in 16 17 years because it does make you say shit it does turn you into characters it does make you eat every fucking thing in the refrigerator maybe including a shelf or two you know that's what Ambien does yeah I had a neighbor move out when I lived in Franklin Tower wasn't it

I first started going with uh with tic-tac tits you know uh Eleanor whatever and I say that with love because nobody loves Eleanor more than me I loved her so much I ignored the tits I treated those tits like you know how girls get giant tits put on today that's how I treated those fucking tic-tac tits like like you know she wore a bra like everybody else but she could take a shirt off maybe one is hanging out like it's almost like if the bra could talk it would be saying something like what's our job exactly you know what I mean but when I would put those tits in my mouth I would open my mouth like I'm putting a fucking watermelon in my mouth exactly you know make her feel great about those fucking tits you know she's gonna kill me for this anyway

anyway so I had an apartment at Franklin Towers and you know five in the morning two of the characters that I would become their worlds crossed somehow this this this kernel from the marines and Marvin who was a very street-wise uh African-American man I'll say politically correct and like the kernel this is five in the morning would be like you are in my army son and you will do as told and Marvin would be like motherfucker bulls shit motherfucker I'll go A wall and shit and he would come because when you're on Ambien and you did this by like without knowing no you got to understand when you're on Ambien you ever take it Joey no okay no that surprised somebody gave me one all right about six months ago and I took it and I thought I was gonna start

saying racial slurs no to sit the people at one desk and call the names no this is what happens if you lay down and take an Ambien you're gonna be out cold in five minutes but let's say by chance you took the Ambien it was oh fuck I forgot to make this call now the Ambien takes effect so you're half asleep and you're half awake you know you're just hallucinating on this fucking thing so that's what would happen to me so I'm in the living room five in the morning motherfucker you don't talk to me like that bitch anybody you will be putting a brink do you understand I am a kernel in the United States Army you know so now the lady next door would be leaving notes on the door like I don't know who all these people are you know but it has to stop I haven't slept in two months

and as I'm yelling the kernel yelling at Marvin all of a sudden here comes Eleanor going she would call them by Marvin you need to lay down and go to sleep you have to go to sleep this is what's going on you know I put Max to sleep that way we were talking about it like Marvin yeah I go a little man you're gonna go to school you ain't gonna wind up like me you know shit I never had the opportunity you had and shit and Max is 12 years old in his bed looking at Marvin like laughing like my father's nuts you know so what happened is this woman moved out you know because of Marvin in the kernel you know and uh and a pornography actress moved in that uh the whole apartment Nikki uh sick started dating her at the time it was great better better for me you know who gives

a fuck about that lady speaking of even sort of lady that moved out speaking of Eleanor you and her on your Instagram has to be like one of the funniest things in the entire world you know we are meeting with people people want to make a show out of it now like they can't even believe what what goes on with us it's really let me just finish this story then we could go back to uh Eleanor tic-tac this no no I didn't say that that was Joey Eleanor um how people will be calling a tic-tac text I'm in so much trouble anyway so what happened but she knows that you know how I feel about them I don't know whatever I say now is going to be the point is that's not what sold Eleanor to me you know what I mean like when I like to like I didn't even look at the tits you know what I mean

like you ever see her in a sweatshirt you see what I mean that it was more of the ass you know because her ass was rounded in a good way you know like like any girl I go with like tits is an extra like I don't I don't hunt for if I saw a girl with the biggest tits in the world going holy shit now she walks by me and she's got no ass I go that girl's being punished by god you know because you know to have tits like that in a face like that and no fucking ass that girl's never getting married that girl's gonna have to pay her own rent for the rest of her fucking life she's got no fucking ass do you understand I don't want to fucking emmery board you understand what I'm saying I don't want a two by four rent I'll take a big fat ass like I don't know like anybody you know

and the tits are extra whatever you know it evens it out better right you know what I mean if you it's a pity on girls without a fat ass thank god they could throw an ass in today you know what I mean yeah but it's probably easier to throw tits in right I'm just saying if the girl has tits right no I understand and she's got no ass look at me when I'm trying to explain something you know it's a fucking pity right no yeah like you get all excited look at this chick walking towards me and then he goes no fucking ass like I would look at Joey and go there's no ass here right this girl's got to probably work three fucking jobs just to pay for a car and she's probably driving a fucking Prius which sucks right you know what I mean or a mini Cooper

I don't want to talk about cars the point I'm getting at when Roseanne I'm gonna lose my tranket of thought trank it is that a word people know what I mean my my thought pattern okay Roseanne was on like an ambient whatever you know and she lost her job whatever and when I saw that that really bothered me because I had no Roseanne for 33 years with friends all these years and I'm like fuck this you know and I waited for the right time and we spoke and I said just come to Vegas I'm gonna bring you on in Vegas and the minute she came on standing ovation okay just the standing out coming on and going off and what's great about Harry Basil is he films everything at the lair factory so we got it all you know and that's when

I said Roseanne I said I don't give a fuck I go nobody ever got behind me okay all these fucking comics these fucking cock suckers in their hearts you know and I'm not talking about you you know no no I know I'm talking about the generation before you know you know you know one nut belza you know what I mean people like that belza would be on tv going he shouldn't be allowed to perform and I'm going he's filthier than me yeah but I took care of him a long time ago on the stern show yeah yeah that was that was and I love belza to this day I love him you know what I mean I mean he's a you know he did a great job with suv whatever you know the law and order thing you know but I'm saying why would a guy like that be going against a guy like me

when you're filthy on stage you know it's one thing if it was Seinfeld who didn't come up against me you know because he's smart and he knows what I would do dies does the fucking okay but you know honestly I've always you know I've always loved that crew of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry Miller and Paul Reiser like that's a different kind of that's cleaner comedy and Seinfeld's the best of that you know who's going to be better than that I mean he actually thinks about what he's going to say on stage that's unbelievable to me I watched these fucking guys go on with the fuck it used to be notepads now it's the iPhone let me go over yeah just give him a fucking thrill they're so excited you're up there do the two new bits and just fucking entertain them I want to

fucking choke these guys to death anyway so when I saw that with Rosanna I said I'm not going to be the guy that didn't help you know and I called her I said we're going to do a tour and everybody dumped her you know her manager her agents everybody so I call my agent Pete Papilotto you know who I'm with you know him and Dennis for 30 years I mean Pete was a 20 year old when I was with Dennis at first and he was minted by Dennis Offer and now he's like one of the greatest like I'm with Gersh for like movies and stuff but for personal appearance I've always been other than for like a year or two on and off with with Dennis Offer and Pete Papilotto Pete being my major agent right now so I call up Pete and I go listen I got an idea you know

I go I want to go out with Roseanne you got a problem handling huh like would that be good for you you know and my agents they don't handle comics they handle rock stars they have like you know Motley Crue Metallica Billy Joel who just did what what is he on his 60th show at the garden you know once a month I mean that's you know that's my other agent that's Dennis Offer that's who used to strategize with me for all the arenas we did that together you know so he's handled you know everybody you know uh what's his name I passed away that I loved uh what would you do uh what Joe Khaka you know he's handled everybody it's all rock stars it's amazing but they probably have you know a quarter of the rock stars in the world okay so I call Pete and I go

would you handle Roseanne you know and he goes done I don't have a problem with her that's the difference you know so now we're going on sale putting a few shows on sale one is the Paramount the Paramount which is which I got a call today going we picked too small of a fucking place because it's it's like three quarters sold out already it's on presale it doesn't even go on sale till tomorrow or Friday so they are holding some tickets for the general public we might have to add a show to that you know and the Atlantic City uh it's it's um hard rock hard rock live which is it is a small arena which is also just the tickets are flying already it's presales so I'm like this is going to be the biggest comedy tour you know to hit America in a long time you know

and it's Eleanor of course all right so Eleanor listen when you hear the thing about the pin tit thing I'll just pay you more money for the shows because Eleanor will open the shows you know and then it's Roseanne and myself and maybe we'll do a little something at the you know I just love her like we were dancing when we did the Las Vegas thing I put on this like crazy song and we started doing like the uh you know like the dance whatever it is question yeah you said a line in uh the fucking movie stars stars born you said a line that I watched the movie up to that part and I've seen the movie so many times on HBO I just watched it up to that part in the beginning and when you said it it was coming from dice you said it so naturally and it was the story of dice

you said when Lady Gaga goes in the back you tell your friends you go you know I knew a thousand guys who were better than fucking Sinatra that could out sing them under the fucking table but with Sinatra when he went on stage with those blue eyes and that fucking shark skin suit and those leather shoes he became Sinatra that's right and all those other guys just went to the wayside yeah just went nowhere and that's what you did in your life yeah when you hit the stage there's no fucking pad there's no no there's no drama there's no free will yeah I just love to perform like and that was actually written in the script I did that right no no none of that I know that but when that was said it written that I did but not that when you said it it was just I was like that's

that's a line that only he could say and only he could understand because if a regular actor had to say that line he would not understand what he'd be saying yeah because it's you know it's organic I you know it's just organic and you know I've gone through 40 how long you doing comedy now 28 yeah I'm doing it 41 you know like you know it's like when I think of like even the arena days let's say that's like a different lifetime ago you know like when when I get on instagram why don't you have the black and your hair I got because I don't want to be that you know I hardly wear the leathers anymore I like going on in a t-shirt and my jeans you know you know because I've seen you know you know I got a little angry with Sebastian for a while because forget about

Dice Influenced he was doing Dice on stage in specials and and I love the guy he opened for me years ago and I you know I would only have people open for me they saw potential in you know and even back then I'd say it's too dicey and then through the years he got dicey but then he came back to himself you know and originally what got me mad at him was when he was on Mark Marin talking and Mark Marin was asking him about opening for me and you know asking him to tell some stories which we have a lot of about hanging with me and he wouldn't tell any stories he wouldn't tell anything and I'm like you know what the fuck is this you know I took you one to my wing so it got me it started getting me angry and then comics would get me angrier going he's like dice

light when he's up there you know with the leather jacket and but before he did the garden which he did four nights which is unbelievable you know I do love the guy so when he went on the Howard Stern show and Stern questioned him about me he answered Stern the right way so I wrote a whole thing on Instagram about how great the guy is and and to him like I'm with you you know like I wouldn't want him to think like I wasn't behind him because there have been other comics now like Bill Burr has talked to me about the influence I was in his life and how he saw me at um oh fuck Boston not the Boston Garden I think the Boston Centrum and Bill's one of the funniest you know that and he uh you know he plays drums and when I was doing the arenas I would end with a giant

drum solo I would play it to uh I had like an eight-piece band so I would do the Elvis thing I would do the Travolta thing doing grease lightning uh I would even do some songs on my I would do Love Won't Let Me Wait by Luther Vandross you know just with a keyboard player and then I would do Soul Sacrifice with the band from Santana and I'd go into a big drum solo so Bill I saw him he was filming Bill Burr Presents which Eleanor did a spot on for Comedy Central so I went to the taping and I'm going I want you to play the drums on stage he goes nah I won't do it because that's what you did and I got but I also did arenas and you're doing that you know so play the drums if you want to play the drums I said I'll come up with you one night we'll do a double

drum solo you know but I I loved the influence I brought and I you know when I was doing the arenas I didn't think that others were ever gonna do it like you know you got to be a certain kind of performer to be able to entertain 20,000 people I geared myself for that my whole life you know I didn't study comics I studied Elvis that's who I studied Elvis Buddy Rich like the greatest of the greats so when I made it I knew how to perform you know and but but other comics have come along Rogan he's doing arenas you know you're doing big theaters you know Chappelle's doing it but I love you know you know Kevin Hart is spoken about me in detail about what I did for him you know like you know when I'm 30 years old I'm not thinking about a guy that's you know

you know two years old or 10 years old going I want to be that but that's who I was watching Elvis do the 68 comeback special when I was 12 you know going oh I could be that but and I didn't mean as a singer just the whole image of that person and that's what I became and stand up and now because so many comics all wearing leather jackets on stage I'm going fuck that I'll find something else you know because I've always set a trend I don't I don't follow you know I can't have every other comic wearing a motorcycle jacket on stage and be going up with the motorcycle jacket so I went to the t-shirts and I'll cut them out you know I cut them a certain way and you know and trust me it's a it's a lot easier because some of my leathers weighed like 20 pounds Jesus how many

altogether you got a couple hundred you know I have all they'll still yeah I have them all I you know now and then I'll give a leather away like one if I like somebody I'll give them like leathers that I wore in concert but not like the dice rules or the dice man cometh or the MTV jack I have all of that stuff yeah you don't get that's for my sons you know you don't give that stuff away you know it's funny how Richard Pry introduced me to comedy danger field made me thought about doing comedy and you pushed me over the edge you pushed me that's a cool thing you pushed me over the edge it's like I knew once I saw you you let me know I could do it you would let me know why you were shooting you could do this that's you know would you like to

buy a flower for the lady yeah so I could plant it in your ass all that stuff was what I was thinking so at first I was pissed at you for like the first week this motherfucker stole my shit you don't even know me and he stole my shit right out of my fucking head well it's street it's street humor it was so it was so relatable to me and then I showed everybody who would listen it was that type of campaign like anybody who would listen my in-laws were from Buffalo Catholic I remember having my father-in-law in the room with the door locked fucking out fucking howling it's so crazy now do you have dates for this special anywhere for this tour yeah well they go on sale tomorrow I'm only putting this is what's so nuts we just should have released

like 20 dates but you know they'll be more next week you know because these are just these are gonna be sold out tomorrow you know and like I said one of them you know is a cut-down arena and you know when my agent called me today he goes the pre-sales are ridiculous you know that's exciting news because I want this to be giant because like I said I just didn't like you know them squashing this girl who's entertained millions of people her whole adult life and because you know we're living in a in a world where you just say something and you lose a career not even do something you say something and you're being held accountable you know when people are getting off of murder you know they're walking you know but yet you said something and everybody

oh they should they shouldn't be on tv you know so I was like fuck that we're gonna tour you know you know like you know and that's why the name is so great mr and mrs america you know and I look at it like making america laugh again you know because people you know mediocre has become the new great my son max told me and he goes like when I watch these comedy specials like I'll give it up if somebody's great I want to laugh my ball like me too like I'll be honest when I watched um I'll bring back Sebastian again and I hope he hears this because I watched him it was at Radio City Musical was his last special and I sat there with my son Dylan laughing like an idiot because now I'm not you know it's hard to watch someone if you pissed off at them and you haven't

talked to them about it you know so like once once my mind was cleared and I heard how he spoke to Howard and it was all great and he even said something about me in Hollywood reporter like a week ago like I'm you know I was his childhood hero so it's a that's the shit he should have been saying on Marin just say it what's the big deal you know so so we watched him at Radio City and I'm going hysterical and he was being himself you know what I mean that's what I loved he like came back to his voice like you know when I'm talking about money on stage you know and I go so I paid the guy in cash but now you turn on a comedian and he's doing it exactly like I'm going what are you an impersonator that would make me angry you know and I got every right to get angry at that

but when I see the guy come back to himself because you know fame is a funny place when you start getting famous and you know about it now when all of a sudden you can walk through them all and people fucking know you or you know in a movie theater and people know okay I get a picture with you it's a funny place to be you know so everybody goes through different things when they become you know famous and how how much fame so I I'm a guy that I think handled it pretty good because I never became reclusive you know I go by myself everywhere I carry a pipe you know what I mean I don't need a team of security when I have a pipe you know when people see the pipe wrapped around my wrist they go ah maybe he doesn't want to take

a picture right now maybe he had a fight with his chick right now you know and he just doesn't look like he's a picture-taking guy at this moment he's got a two-foot pipe with a leather strap around his wrist so but I'm saying I I always people used to ask me you actually bring in your own cleaning and go to the gross yeah why wouldn't I like I never understood that much when you become reclusive it's the worst fucking thing because you can't go back from that you get you know what are you gonna reteach yourself how to be amongst people I want to sit at a coffee shop I'm gonna sit around all afraid like an asshole I remember calling Howard Stern this is great he uh we went house hunting in Long Island which he regretted people always regret hanging

with me after a while they're always thrilled to meet me and then it gets to the point where they say things like I'm sorry I ever said hello to this guy you understand you know but the first time they meet you it's an honor and then it gets bad you know then it's the four in the morning calls you know what are you doing what do you mean what am I doing I'm sleeping you know what would I be doing at 4 30 a.m. you know I gotta get up in an hour for a shoot you know I go put you up already you never finished telling me the story about like one time I called Daniel Baldwin right and uh I didn't know he's in New York how the fuck do I know where he is and uh and it was five in the morning you know and I go what are you doing and he goes dice I gotta get

up in an hour I go yeah but you wrote now you're up you know so you would tell me the story how you met the the redheaded girl and he goes can't we do this another time I go put you all right you're not gonna be able to go to sleep after we talked you know so we might as well bullshit a half hour and then you can you guys I'm hanging the phone up dice you know you'll have to hear about the redhead another all right that's up to you but don't call me back once you can't sleep don't call me back and I hang up fuck you too never call them again I mean I've seen them since but I won't call if he wants to talk late at night you gotta call me but it but it so I go house hunting with Howard Stern this is like around you know I wanted to live on the east coast because I couldn't get

my parents to to move out here so I wanted to be around family that was like you know it was overwhelming to do what I was doing so he takes me house hunting in Long Island he gets a real estate agent and if and you know and I'm always filming with the video camera why are you filming I go why not why can't what are you kidding well don't film me well why not you're who I'm with you know and then if we pull up to a house that I didn't like the outside the woman would get out and I go I'm not going in there you know he goes can't you just go in she made the appointment you know I don't like the outside so there's no reason to it's a waste of time I'm lying to her if I go in all right let me go tell her so he goes and we do the whole house hunting thing

then at the end of the day he goes let's get something eat I go yeah let's go to a diner you know and he go oh no no no he goes I get this great little Italian place we go downstairs I go how it's four in the afternoon I don't want to go to an Italian place I want to go to a diner and have a burger I go nobody's gonna bother us and you got to understand this wasn't the Howard Stern you know that became big throughout the whole country you know he was only big really you know probably New York Philly you know he was building so I get him to go to a diner which is empty by the way nobody there other than the waitress and at the end she asked for both their autographs it wasn't the cell phones where you got to stand there now right and then

they go oh it came out blurry can't go fuck yourself I'm not taking another one okay that's it I'm leaving so it was just autographs and then I called him about an hour later I went to Kings Plaza shopping center in Brooklyn where I had an apartment in Brooklyn not even a house in a brick building okay and I call him up I go how would you know where I am right now recluse I go I mean Kings Plaza buying black jeans for Nassau Coliseum nobody's bothering me don't just stay in don't become reclusive it's it's just not a good thing if you don't know how to walk out of your house by yourself you know I don't like I like guys like Axel or reclusive it's like and what good is any of it yeah you know if you can't just go you know I just

got to get out of here I don't need a team with me I don't need a bunch of people looking around pulling up and fucking SUVs I want a nice coffee I want a slurpee you know I don't need a team I need my car I need me and I need the pipe that's it without a team that you're unnoticed without a team you're unnoticed you walk in you people don't even know you're gonna see me in Vegas I'm all over the place people don't even know I throw on a baseball hat yeah people I have no idea you know I stand at a table I'm losing hundreds of thousands nobody even notices other than the casino beautiful you lost hundreds of thousands of course don't you know exactly look at the life I get to lead that's why I could lose a hundred grand get on stage you'd never you'd think I won a hundred

grand wow yeah I've got the gambling end of my life was you know I quit now so I don't gamble now but yeah I've gone you know I've lost a half a million at a clip I've won a half a million at a clip in minutes this isn't like how much are you betting a hand uh well when when when those kind of plays would happen I'd be playing all six spots at like 10 grand a hand cheese so let's say you just lost one hand there's 60 000 yeah you know but let's say you get a winning hand a couple blackjacks a couple double downs you're winning a hundred thousand in a minute yeah but you don't play with what you don't have you you can't have fear when it comes to gambling because that's all it is as you're taking a chance so you got to have brass balls and you got to be willing to lose

not win lose everything in front of you to win that's the only way you do win because anybody playing scared is going to lose always in life at anything you know if you go on a stage and you don't open up you're never going to make it you know if you're afraid of the crowd you're never going to make it you know there are rules of engagement with everything you know you know same thing with banging banging to a fucking harder who gives a shit you know if she can't take this kind of bang she shouldn't be my chick right you know what i mean with everything you just do the best you could with everything that's how i look at life andrew you're fucking beautiful fucking beautiful what what a philosophy uh you know where now if these people want to go

is there going to be a website from mr and mrs america it's on sale it's on sale you could call you know who are they live nation i don't know not live nation paramount theater the paramount theater and what are the cities that you're hitting do you know and the hard rock no that's going to be more on sale now because this is just this is escalating quicker quicker than i thought it was going to be absolutely you know roseanne ready around yeah yeah she we were on the phone the other night all excited she's complete because she did a couple shows already you know this uh this month and just on her own just to get a feet wet and she got standing o's and you know you know she loves it like we love it you know and she's always been a great great comic i was

talking about how you know you know when years ago when people would heckle her she's the first girl i ever saw look at somebody in the crowd and go suck my fucking dick you know and this is a woman yeah we've had some fun times together you know she's great that that was one time i went gambling with roseanne when i was doing the dunes like i could do the dunes comedy store mitzi wouldn't even believe me till i would show her like the money or the chips in between you know we got i got 1500 a week when i did the comedy store at the dunes hotel this is before my career took off you got a hundred a set you did 15 sets for the week so in between sets i go out when 20 30 000 i would take like 200 bucks and just parlay it and just win and go back to do my next show and the comics

would come to mitzi because mitzi didn't want to see that she didn't want you know she wanted you under her thumb that's how she was that's just you know she loved being the mother of the comics whatever so she'd tell like uh you know who whatever comic would run back to and go to you dice just won 30 000 in between no he didn't no he didn't i come back there i go mitzi what's this fake i go of course why would i lie about when i took 200 i just beat them that's all it's not a big deal common sense makes you win stupid sense makes you lose that's it you're either on your game or off your game and she'd go how did you do that i go i i don't even know i just know how to do it you know i was crazy shit one time with kennison you're gonna love this because there was

he always had a thing with me because you know he wasn't a sharp looking guy and i was that's the bottom line you know and it was always the two of us on late at night at the store and i loved the guy you know like i was thrilled when he made it you know but he couldn't handle my success because i made his success look like uh he was a club comic you know i'm doing two nights at the garden and he's you know it didn't matter anymore with him that's what happened so we're at the dunes hotel and he's already making it i'm not i'm doing well making it as an actor because i was doing the michael man show crime story so it was almost like a showdown in the middle of the casino and the one thing that's very real about me on stage and off is my confidence it's just there

so we meet in the middle of the casino he's coming from the front door and he was dating uh tamayo at suki at the time and i'm with trini we've been dating like i don't know a year so we meet in the middle of the casino it's just this face off you know yeah he's like how you doing this and that you know i'm going great just did a killer show you know win some money here you know because how do you know you're gonna win i go i always win sam at anything i do i go i'll show you i swear god this is true trini if she was sitting here she'd go yeah it's exactly how it came down i go watch this trick and there's a slot machine right here let's say okay say take out ten bucks i go watch this and i put the ten in you know and

i just play for the whole amount a big machine right ten thousand dollars right there and then i go that's what i'm talking about i always fucking win and he i thought he might pass out because the look in his face was like this isn't a movie like a setup in a movie where a guy walks over he puts in one a dollar and wins you know all this ten thousand dollars just right there with you know with the bells going off and the money falling out i go it's who i am you know nice you're a fucking savage i like that i'm happy you took the fucking time this is great i'll always do your show i always have one when i come i love it i've been sitting here in awe brother you know and i'm happy that i followed your lead because here i am because

of you brother well you i'm you know i talk about you a lot because i'm really proud of what you're accomplishing you know and keep building on you know it just started for you like about five years ago as far as your bill yeah you know you know and i hear it all you know because kate opens for me sometimes so we'll talk about you elinor i see you yeah elinor he's a fucking true kate i'll yell it when we're on the road like he gets to the point that i'll go do you know anything about the history of comedy you know like i'll get mad at how i go ask joey about like i'll tell her like a part of my history that sounds like unreal i go just ask joey all right because he knows it all he he's he's seen me do this what i go what do you think here's here's an example i'm playing some

club in arizona and when elinor can't do the gigs i i have kate do and i don't want to i don't want to bring up money but she told me like what you charge at the door i go really i go i i think you should do more you know what i mean it's traveling across the country whatever she goes what what do you charge i go i don't know at least 50 you know i go it's a club so they need to make money to to afford me you know it's 300 seats whatever the fuck it is and she go oh no you're not charging that so i go and i don't even know what they're charging so a little while later with the manager at a club i go and i'm with kate and i go can you tell me i go because i i only care like this is what i'm getting for the weekend i'm all good with it okay how much you're charging you

know at the door he goes well um you know the the golden circle 75 around the stage and then you know general admissions 55 you know and she goes no and the guy goes yeah it's nice you know like what do you know so i'll always say to her because i know you're close with i go yes joey who knows my whole history you don't know anything you know you're too busy just taking pictures you know i mean you should learn who you're opening for it might be good you know so i yell at her about that stuff but she's funny as fuck i still remember going to see four fucking family in the movie then pay it so yeah i know the but that's what i'm saying see she doesn't know this stuff she'll like bring up do you know you were on cnn with uh i go yeah what 90 million hits something

like that you know when i cursed out a guy on cnn for opening his mouth some newscast it up oh yeah yeah i don't it's not 90 million but it's millions of hits that that got and you never heard from that guy again yeah oh the one that you just stopped the interview yeah when he goes weren't you running a gym this is cnn we pulled up we're going running a gym where the fuck you get your information and that was it once i cursed now i'm gonna destroy the guy you know i mean but that's why but i'll be honest with all the movies and all that you know that's all great and you know i actually get bored on a movie set i hate the waiting around i can't take it like i'd even come over to bradley when we were doing the stars born that scene you were talking about

with the uh sing people on under the table you know sinatra whatever and i went you want to get out of here ready you know you know and he's looking at me go what do you mean get out of here we're filming a scene and i yeah how much you're gonna film looks to me like you got it you know what are you gonna film the toast and now you got it get the fuck out of here go for coffee or something you know it's done like you know how much you know i know you you knew what this shit but like how long you want to hang around here you know it gets really boring to me you know so the live thing is you know it's nothing like it it's just nothing like it clubs are the absolute greatest to perform in but you know i'm gonna go into these bigger places again because this is a

bigger than life show so you have to you know as you're still doing it brother yeah and i applaud you that that listen if you want to get tickets for dice and the mr and mrs america tour they go on pre-sale them or the no they're on tomorrow morning they go on friday they go on fucking sale open up at the palm on theta the hard rock cafe in atlantic city and there'll be more hard rock live hard rock live if you need dates if he tweets him i'll retweet him for you all right thank you that's it and that's that the show is brought to you by him for hymns.com a one-stop shop for hair loss skincare and sexual wellness for men men need all the help they could get now for you young guys you know from time to time things are slipping but with age comes wisdom but getting older

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