Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #697 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

Agostino Zoida, a stand up comedian and the host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Agostino will be headlining the House of Comedy in Minnesota July 5-7 2019. Get your tickets here: https://bit.ly/2RMWr0Q This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH

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Keep your fucking nuts clean. Lee kick this motherfucking mule Who the fuck you think you're dealing with motherfuckers? It's joey d is monday morning coming at you slinging dick and telling your psychiatrist to suck my nutsack We're going deep this motherfucking week. Kick it mule. Lee You Dedicated to all the fucking beautiful ladies out there. You filthy fucking animal. I love you I've never been in love before I'm looking for a man that'll do it anywhere

This is the first song Harvey's gonna play at the court hearing He's just gonna put this on and they're just gonna crack On the church today, he's my little brother The Agostino Zoida, what's happening brother? Thank you for having me. What's happening with you? I've just been thinking about you lately and I've been watching you And uh, you got your first headline week this week and I wanted to celebrate it with you Thank you very proud of you. I've known you for 10 years now. Yeah, you were just getting hair on your dick when I met you And look at you your headlining you're a big shot now

Look at you all going out and doing the town and shit But it's weird because you made me think a lot about comedy when you told me that You had gotten your first headline spot. I was like I still remember getting my first feature spot. It was Labor Day 1995 I was doing comedy four years Was I ready? Fucking no, you know, I had I had featured

Bar shows and headline bar shows, but you're not official to you're in a club Like you could talk all this shit you want. I got 92 minutes. It's great Unless the punch line. I should you ain't shit. You know what I am like Yeah, little clubs will hire you to headline. You're really not a headliner, but you're learning how to have totally, you know But I still remember getting my first nod To feature. I think I was more excited to feature than to headline Like the feature to me was everything like it was featuring is fun, man It's it's the best job in the fucking plan. There's no pressure. No pressure. You're right. Like like you're on stage

I'm just sitting there eating dinner Watching you I don't have to worry about I did my 20 and I had a blast your practice Yeah, that's all you're doing as long as you know who you are Before you go up on that stage on what your purpose is to that show As a feature act it'll make your life a lot easier, you know There's a lot of comics that go up one blow away the headline. No, you're not. You're just making an asshole of yourself You're just gonna work dirty year and filthy year But to get that first feature spot like I I

I stopped my life like I was supposed to go back to colorado and be a dad and be a fucking Work at the sports betting service. They had already moved me up into an office with three guys And when john fox who was booking the comedy underground, that's the first club Ever to really feature me. I'm lying to you the first club to really feature me was joey's And dearborn michigan in detroit But it wasn't really it was like a co-MC type deal Like I was really an mc glorified like I got 20 minutes

It was a club that only did two man shows Yeah, so I had already done time and then he did feature me that summer He featured me the summer of 94, but it was just a disaster It was just a train wreck like I why they didn't boo me And really I was like on a bombing streak like I was just on a bombing how many nights The weekend the first time I featured At joey's was labor day Of 95

And I met carol In michigan. That's how I met the stripper girl that I loved with and stuff And uh, I was a feature that weekend and it was just a disaster. I could be as honest as I can with you I'm really a room and going I don't know if they're even gonna let me like I was waiting for the call my hotel room Like it was that type of situation like I'm waiting for the call for them to find me. Yeah Well, no, they let me go up on friday two shows. I was like, all right. We're halfway there And then they let me go up on saturday and then sunday. They paid me. I was like, are you fucking kidding me?

I fucking sucked You know it was 250 dollars. Yeah, you know the feature then it's the same money now But in seattle like that with the reason why I made seattle I was so happy about seattle because it was considered an a club It was really considered one of the top clubs in the country because of the contest So in an a club is when you're really really really a feature now. I'm legitimized like now. It's over Now they can't stop me type deal. Yeah, and When I did the seattle club, I was a little better

I had improved a lot that summer just by living in seattle And doubling my spots and being more comfortable on stage. So But I got 250 bucks. I'll never forget And they mailed you a check took a month Yeah took a month A month to get a check from john fox a month For 250 dollars and he'd give you an advance of 50 dollars only on thursday So you got a check for 200 everybody was paying 50 dollars to spot the feature that

It was fucking brutal. Why do you think it went bad? You just weren't funny Like you're saying that it went awful. It just wasn't right. Listen I don't think I was ready. Uh-huh, but then I don't think anybody else is ready Do you know what I am when you get thrown up there the first time? You're probably getting thrown up there because somebody didn't show up. It's not because of your own merit You're in a good position like you were there Yeah, you were there at the rung at the right place. Yeah, right time. Yeah, I'm saying you want me to what? How many how many time you got uh, uh, and then your mind your ego's like 20. I got a strong 20. Okay, you got fucking eight

You know, you got eight and you still got 12 more to go But that's as much as I don't like seeing that happen to comics That's what needs to happen. Yeah time to time to bring you you need reality checks. You need reality checks To give you if not, you just go up there and you do great every night. It's you think it's that easy to be a comic Talk I've been doing comedy 28 years. I still get reality checks every once in a while. I get off the stage and go I gotta have a long talk of myself. I want to continue doing this shit. That is unacceptable so I'm kind of an I'm interested because I know there's a lot of young comics who listen to this and I'm I had a

Situation happen this weekend. I don't know if I made the right decision and I've been asking people I got asked to do a bar show And they said do you want a headline and do 30 to 45 and I'm nowhere near being a headliner And I I think to be honest if I did every joke I ever wrote I might have 25 Might if I did every joke I ever wrote so my initial reaction was I said listen I don't mind going up last but I don't have 30 to 45 I have about 20 to 25 tops and she said fine. I'm still doing it But I wasn't sure should I should I have just said yes

I'll do it and try to do it Or is it better to say to be honest with people when they ask you to do it? I'd rather be honest. Yeah, honesty has always worked for me listen If you're opening up for lua ck I don't give a fuck if you let yourself on fire. They're not there to see you right. Yeah, you know what I'm saying So when those feature spots You have to pay louis so much that you got to save on the feature Just use a bum feature

Pay him 50 bucks to have the guys just happy to be there now. He's got a credit I opened up a lua ck. Totally. Yeah, and they don't care, you know, let him go do 15 fucking minutes and shit like that Me for me. I'd rather be honest. You apply for a job That you fucking need it's got insurance and dental and benefits And the guy asks you do you know how to do this if you say I've done it before You got a tricky situation there. I mean listen, don't get me wrong. There's some shit That you can learn in two minutes. You don't need to be a fucking genius You know, I'm saying there's some shit digging the trench

You know, there's just some shit that you don't need to be a genius And you could pick up there's some jobs that you can't lie on With comedy for me I took a nap to that Uh, yesterday when I got back from columbus, I took a nap and when I got up For some reason I just started thinking about my past like about being a thief and Being a creepy guy and all that shit and I thought about stand up. I could look both of you guys in the eye Like I was a thief for all my fucking life

All my life. I couldn't be trusted. You couldn't leave a dime out in front of me. You know that type of shit I never stole a job Like when I got into comedy, I got into comedy to renew my life. You know, people say art is life. It really is Art is life. You know, I met you 10 years ago. What were you doing? You were working at the house Yeah, you were a young kid. You know, I went down there. You took care of me. You really took care of me I never forgot that in my life. I wasn't doing spots at the store then That's right. I remember that you weren't going there. I was only coming to you on thursdays fridays and saturdays I call you 10 30. Yeah, and you ask

Helen whatever the fucking name is Sometimes monday's even monday we set the contest. I have you come close it. That's right monday nights I would go down there and fucking do time 10 15 minutes before gabriel's thing Yeah, that's where I got the material for gabriel. What was it stand up? Stand up revolution work that with you and you took care of me and you you know You got to see comedy from a different angle from the bottom floor Yeah, and that's why you're on the show tonight because of what you've done in the last nine fucking years, you know Uh, you got divorced you got that albatross off your fucking neck

And when you got married with you, I was a little concerned I was like, bro. Are you trying to do comedy? Why are you putting this weight back in your life? But she's trying not to be a great partner for you. She's very understanding, you know a lot of women In the beginning comedy is great. He's so funny. Oh my god But I don't see jen at fucking bars with you or nothing. So you eliminated that Yeah, if jen was at shows with you like at the comedy store I'd have to pull you aside and say something to you. Yeah, you handle your business by yourself And she gets it too. Like, you know, I just gotta go down there and do my thing, you know, she totally gets it

So we you know, I love when people come to the comedy store To see me but I have friends that call me go. Can I write down with you? I really don't like that And I'm to the point like Lee, I don't mind but I have because I could talk to Lee in the car Yeah, you know, Lee doesn't have to bother me. Leo just looks like the fucking window. Yeah, I used to go with you all the time. Yeah I like it because I don't have to get a spot. I could just go with the paid regular Embarking a lot That is tremendous. That is really really I told the chug about this on stage. This is great Wait, do you smell this about I don't smell it. All right, you'll smell it. This is gonna creep through your

Even if you had a congested fucking can't wait car. Where's gonna get you come I was gonna get like a my 600 pound life got one down a plane and you're gonna be stranded on the tarmac That's your car That's fucking you cuckoo. No, you fuck you. I smell one of your little Jew farts one time Yeah, I did one fart to get you back It was hummus and god knows what was in that lizard meat and I can never I fart all day and I get here I have no farts. It's your fucking problem. You got to save your farts and condense them like I do I'm gonna put them in the fucking back clip. Anyway. Yeah, so why don't you like people to go down there with you?

Because you're focusing. Yeah, you're focusing. Yeah, you're driving. You're thinking of of material to say I don't even put the rocking radio on on the way down. I don't listen to the radio. It's all In my head just thinking about should I I have an idea, you know before I leave I write some down But it's not really It's just a little roadmap to have in my head the percentages. Are you doing better? Uh looking over your material before you go on stage or you get Higher percentage of doing better if you look over your material. Everybody knows that's funny I said something this

Wednesday on the podcast that really made a lot of sense And I got a lot of emails of it. I got a lot of calls about it It was a very funny line And I thought about what he said He said that there's actually comics There's comedians that actually think about what they're gonna say before I go they go on stage, you know That's a confusing line for a lot of young comics. Like they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Everybody always says to look over your material to have you set list, you know what I'm saying?

And I thought about what he said I talked to rogan about it. Me and rogan were laughing about that line. He's like, oh my god, that was set because Mike one by one podcast put it on whatever and it was just him talking about, you know They look at their fucking iPhones, you know, they just have to think you know, you shouldn't think about it It's really true and it works for me this weekend in columbus Don't think about it. It should be organic. I have a route I always make it as organic as I can when I go on stage because I have a route. I'm gonna take I just fuck it up on purpose

I fuck it up on purpose to make my dick get hard to make me excited because if I run the set the same way every night I'm gonna die. Yeah, I'm gonna die. I'm not that type of comic. So I have a route But I'm thinking about what he said. Just be funny They don't give a fuck about jokes Just go up there and be funny And you know what I wrote like five jokes this week because I kept the light in my mind You weren't so kept to your script. Yeah

And that's always been the case whenever I stick to my script. I eat a bag of dicks That's so interesting eat a bag of dicks whenever I stick to my script. I eat a bag of dicks. It's not organic It's not organic. Yeah, I have a route. Look at I'm gonna go to the county store tonight. I'm gonna take the fucking Laurel canyon and hook a ride on sunset and go to the county store, right? But I go up the fucking to Laurel canyon and there's two Priuses that are crashing into each other There's an electrical fire and I can't get through What do you do? You hire a helicopter? No, you make a u-turn and you go down two blocks past the school What's it? What's a high school?

The expensive one on Laurel canyon would cost money to go Denzel's kids. Oh, I don't know the name starts at the sea or something like that And you get right by the boxing place, right? Yeah on the 101 south Right or wrong. Yeah, I'm taking all to the exit. Uh-huh. So the same thing happens for your material You know if you go up there and those first three fucking jokes that you brilliantly wrote Don't work Talk about your day get away from that material and then slide back into it I just said this to someone about you the other day is that you're never as dangerous

As when you're not working on something And what I mean by that is like when you're working on something you have something coming up Like you're you're very scripted you personally. I've noticed that when you don't have anything coming up. No, that's the one you're the most dangerous I don't want to that's why I don't ever want to shoot a special game like with netflix Yeah, don't ever want to shoot a special you gotta you you're just like I don't have anything to prepare for you can just do whatever the fuck you want Like that's when you're at your best. Yeah, no, that's I don't want to do a spell I don't even want to be putting that box again. That's how it's either you or the priest was like fucking huge huge

I'm owing to with specials Because I had to be confined to something in my mind I confided myself to be honest to you nobody confided me I could blame whoever the fuck I want nobody can find to be me I tried to become a stand-up comic and I forgot about who the fuck I was I didn't realize it till when I got on the plane back from vegas after the netflix special I never used that material again. I wasn't even my material Yeah, that was weird. You didn't even do both shows. You didn't do your material Do you know something like I've never really done that material again? Like it's just done like I I was so sick of feeling like that

I was so sick of feeling like a stand-up comic about to go on stage You know, I had a friend years ago that went on let him and I saw what they would put him through Not let him in the tonight show what the tonight show put him through and I decided like my fourth year of comedy I don't want to be on let him in the tonight show Like I knew it. I don't even a couple months ago. They were looking for edgier comics for the tonight show They put robert kelly on a bunch of people were making tapes. I didn't make a tape I don't even want to be in that position your approach to One guy asked me you should make a tape and looking for edgier comics on leno

On uh, whatever that is the other show. I just didn't want to I just don't ever want to work on those restraints no more I'm too old I'm too old. I'm too set in my ways. I want to work the way I work in the original If I don't work like that across the country People shouldn't pay to come see me. That's the way they want to see me work. I want to work at the store No predetermined nothing. Just go out there and be a fucking savage Put my in my mind. I'm on the corner with six of my buddies And we already smoked dope and we're about to go eat a fucking deli sandwich

This is the shit we would do if I put myself there. That's when I'm dangerous That's when I'm dangerous once that leg goes back I'm the fucking quarter back from new england. What's this right leg goes back? You're done Don't let that right leg go back for more than three seconds That's a touchdown. Yeah It won't the more time you give brady. You're done once he steps back Absolutely, you're done when you play tom brady. Don't let him step back. You want to beat the new england patriot? Don't let him step back

Beat him to that second leg and you'll beat the patriots all the time. Nobody's figured that out tough to do Yeah, tough to do but that's the same thing with me. I realized that once that leg goes back I got you. I feel comfortable and For a while I did edibles and I did Xanax to try to relax on stage. None of that shit works I don't want to be relaxed on stage. I want to be up there like an animal when I get those anxiety panic attacks now I just breathe through. Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it Fuck it. I was just talking about this with a guest on my podcast recently

It's uh, we're talking about like not being under any influence when you're on stage and a lot of people do it for the nerves Before they go on stage But I to me there's never been I'd never been in the habit. I mean you've known me a long time I don't do anything before I go on stage I there's nothing better than the feeling Of just being on stage and nothing else substituting it, you know, I want to feel that moment I like smoking pot and going on stage I didn't like drinking and going on stage between you and I I don't like when comics drink on stage

Yeah, I just don't like when they have one up there with them There's certain comics to the boozes. Yeah, I don't mind make it away with you. I'm saying Bert is the real deal Ron White. Ron White is the real deal. Yeah, he makes it look good. There's guys that go up there to drink to be cool Yeah, I see right through that. He'd actually have a drink and the audience sees right through that. Yeah, you follow me Yeah, so if I see right through it, they'll see right through it You know a lot of young comics bring a drink up A lot of young comics. I've noticed that even at open mikes. Yeah Don't bring a drink. Don't bring a drink up. Why fed you with them bring a water

You're doing 40 minutes 20 minutes. You're gonna get thirsty. Yeah, but to bring a drink up and I don't like nothing I like when they bring a water when they're doing five Yeah And a towel. Yeah How many years have you been doing comedy now 10 but we had a conversation once that this was all you love There's a child. Yeah, like you know every fucking comedy album by you watch all the special I still do you make notes the whole fucking I just watched gaffigan's new one today How was it very good a little different than what he normally does but still gaffigan

It's on netflix. It's on prime. You got prime amazon prime. Yeah, it's free on prime That's right amazon is shooting specials now. Yeah, it's really good You've always been a big student of the game like you've always I've noticed that about you've always been a big student like you I enjoy it if you play football you'd watch a lot of film You watch a lot of game film. Yeah, you're one of those guys And now to see that you're headlining. I mean I'm happy for you. I'm genuinely happy for you when I thought about Booking this week. I go, oh, that's right. Yeah, I saw it on twitter the other day

You're gonna be on And whatever and I go, you know when I want to celebrate and bring a mom because I know What do you think of your journey so far this ten years? I think it's just the beginning um, I I think that you know, you get into Little moments of like man, this is so hard and I just I think I haven't seen anything yet I think that it's just the beginning of and I'm now I'm starting a new chapter and I'm going to go through the challenges of that And I'm going to start hitting things of uh, you know, that's that's one of the cool things about being a feature As we said, there's no pressure

And now you're going to start feeling the pressure of ticket sales before I could just show up And if it didn't sell out, I'm like, ah, that's on the headliner for right now Don't worry about ticket sale. Yeah for right now for your next two years. Just for three years You're gonna still feature a lot And then this year you're gonna headline twice Next year you'll headline five times next year You're going to a club with me on friday and saturday, but you'll headline thursday, right? You know i'm saying and you'll get 22 people

Who cares? Yeah, just learn how to headline. That's something that I didn't know how to do I didn't learn how to headline till I until I was headline of five years or something like that That's when I actually put time into learning how to headline Anybody can do 40 minutes. That's what we're we're lied to that. Oh, you just go up then do 40 minutes No, it's not 40 minutes. It's it's got to be crafted. You have to know when to pull back when to attack They drop tabs when they drop the check that's a complete different world There's so many variables that you have to learn how to work around And then after you suck 200 bags of dicks as a headline like I did

You know, then you real man, I saw the headline in 2005 Like once I got the longest yard that bumped me up automatically So a bunch of a rooms had aligned me. So I was done with featuring the only person I would feature for was rogan That was it. You don't want me as a headline. I'm not working. You know, that's the next decision You may your three years from that decision when you go, you know, I'm not featuring no more How'd you feel in 2005 when they bumped up to headline because of the movie? Did you feel you were ready for it or did you feel that the movie kind of gave you that bump? I was cheated. I cheated the national the public

I Moved up because of the movie. Right. I moved up because of the movie and the bigger The size of the role. I just bumped myself up Uh bill burr hooked me up with his booking agent and he started booking me as a headline Wow, and I saw I have no shame in saying this I saw Thousands of people walk out over those years, you know thousands Thousands. Yeah, I walked thousands of people. So you're going to go see the guy from the longest yard. Yeah I don't know what your act is like all my act is like especially then when I was doing coke and I was really unorthodox and

30% of my you know 25 minutes of my material was cocaine So at first it was funny, but after you watch it on tape like somebody take me in Atlanta one time I almost drew the fucking tape on started crying, you know Since the drug had taken all my mind my drug My induced of comedy was cocaine induced Every joke had something to do with cocaine and stuff like that. I didn't know what I was doing I walked thousands of people

because of They were offended or because you they would they didn't like your material like they just did funny from 2005 2004 Then it got to the point where I was going in on Thursday or Wednesday for Rogan and me and Ari We call that line and we get 22 people And there'd be one guy that go crazy over us. We love you more than Joe Rogan that type of shit, you know I'm not going to see him. I'm gonna come and see you guys, you know There was that type of shit, but I say from 2006

in 2004 To 2011 I was just doing 45 minutes That's it. I was just doing 45 minutes people were walking out because The material was obnoxious the material wasn't good. I was very rated You know, I was just big and fat You know, I was sweaty There'd be puddles under my chest. It was just a gross Scene it was just

When I snored a coke, I would sweat a lot like I would sweat just coming up here. You would see me right now I'd be sweating my body I did so much blow was set at it at a temperature that I was always sweating And you don't you don't you didn't do blow before you performed. So it was all the night before always from the night before Or just whatever was going on my body and yeah, I don't sweat like that anymore on stage I did, you know, whatever I didn't And New Orleans was hot in human human places. I sweat but not like that But from 2004

To 2010 or 11 It was just a horror show And I got cleaned up from coke in 2007 And I started carrying a little more, you know, and then When I thought about because there was about two years I thought about quit From 2009 to 2011 I was ready to hang up the clothes not because I was angry or nothing I didn't think it was for me. I just didn't think it was for me. I didn't think I had the aptitude

To become a headliner. I didn't want to put the timing anymore I'd already done my time I felt that I had gotten what I was going to get from this town. Do you know what I'm saying? So I was like, I'm done. I'll just work I'll wait till Greg Garcia calls me one of my other buddies and puts me in the tv show. I'll keep my insurance up Wow, and I'll get a day job. That's what I was thinking about doing. You were gonna stay in california though Yeah, I was gonna stay in the valley and then when I moved up here and I wasn't going to the store no more I said I have to do something with my life

So I made a promise to myself But I would drive I didn't tell this to anybody I would drive to the Irvine Improv On Thursday nights or whenever a comic got in And I would park in the back And I would go to the front And I would talk to a couple of the door guys or whatever. They know who I was And if they were sold out, I would sit at the comics table

Yeah, and I would watch the headline and I wouldn't say anything to the headline I would just run out before the show in and get in my car and leave Just watching the show watched. I just wanted to watch headliners and learn I watched Ralphie for two nights And that was a man. I mean I stayed around for him. He was my friend I didn't do guest spots. I didn't ask him for guest spots. I just wanted to see headliners The guy that open minds the most at that time is Greg Geraldo Watching Greg that weekend. I think I went on Thursday Wednesday. I want to get on sunday

And watching Greg really really Let me know that I was fucking up as a headline And I you know, I want to see Burr. I want to see everybody I want to see everybody. I could you know a couple of women. I forget who I want to see Eliza Okay, I went down there and saw Eliza do 45 or 50 And I didn't say nothing anybody. I wasn't allowed. You know, I wasn't going to the store I really wasn't doing a lot of comedy. I would only open a ferrogan I would book a couple weekends on my own

To make a few bucks during the week I'd book a couple one-nighters But I wasn't killing myself. I wasn't taking planes is what I'm trying to say But I basically went down and watched how the hell and I was doing comedy Fuck 17 years at that point 15 years or something. Wow So looking back Like when you guys talking about like you you jumped the line a little bit with the movie Do you wish that you had said no, let me feature a little bit more? No. No, no You know when I went to alberto crane for jiu-jitsu, I wasn't even close to being a blue belt. I'm still not I'm still a horrible blue belt

Sometimes when you push somebody they see the They see it a little faster You know, sometimes they see the The rainbow a little faster It was time for me to start headlining like it was time for me to start headlining I was in a state of limbo. That's why I was thinking about quitting because a lot of people didn't want me in front of them Do you know what I am like? There wasn't I couldn't call an improv and go can you book me as a feature?

Because the headlining would complain The headliner whoever it was would say I don't want to follow him all weekend So I was at that point. So the only person who would follow me would be rogan You know, yeah, I'd catch a couple off weeks and I'd get into an argument with the headlining You know midweek. He doesn't like that. I improvise. He doesn't like that. I curse. Yeah Improvise you can't do that. There was a comic I worked. I've heard that before too. That told me not to improvise Why I heard guys didn't like it. I've had guys tell me don't do crowd work before me I I've heard crowd work but improvise same shit same shit. Okay same shit

I thought I thought I'd just go off whatever you want. No, you know, you know, and it was it was rough Sometimes it's because they do crowd work as they're go to when they Don't want to do material. But the main thing is because you're at you rattle up the audience. Oh, yeah, totally That's what now they feel like they can talk goes up and now lead people going to talk to Lee So they broke the fourth wall so to speak. Right. So that's what happened That's why a lot of headlines don't like it unless you're really really good at that They don't like it because you're really really good at it But no, it's a 50 50 shot when you improvise. They just didn't like it. So I was I had to

You know Comedy Central didn't like me So that wasn't going to push me up. I just needed a push. I needed that push that Nobody could give you. It's just a push of comedy. You're just waiting around. There's a bunch of feature acts now They're just waiting For a home run to happen and then they move up They're already like fucking blowing out Be headliners like they go up on stage with a like a headliner like when I'm telling like When I was like 2007 2008

I would work clubs where those features are deadly They were on orthodox also those B-room features are deadly They're on orthodox. They don't have a car. They got a DUI They got out of jail for beating up that girlfriend. Those guys are deadly Those guys are fueled off of cocaine and rage You know, they're mad because the guys they started with didn't they all made and they didn't You know guys like that. So you really have to have your game up on top But what's the what was the lesson you took from how long did you work at the high for?

I think like five years What was the lesson you learned out of the high working at a comedy club in the beginning? Um, did you work there before you got on stage you got on stage before you worked? I got on stage before I worked there. Okay. So I was a comic first Um, I definitely I learned many things. I learned a lot what not to do also. Um, you'll learn things Like you see comics do stuff and I see what pissed the owners off that the comics did So I know how to be respectful when I go to a club. I think when you work at a comedy club you You have an upper hand when you start to go to comedy clubs

Because I hear the door guys at the store all the time complain that some comic walks past them and just goes like You know, I'm a comic, you know, and that's rude and and and and those are the guys are going to put you up on Mondays You know So I learned that when you because I worked the door you you walk up and you go, hey, I'm lee Nice to meet you. I'm a comic. What's your name? Cool, man. Nice to meet you. Can I hang out for a little bit? Like, you know, I mean I learned little things like that and then obviously Watching the comics

Did you ask a lot of headline of questions? Did you because when I worked at a comedy club I asked questions See I worked in a comedy club and I had the balls to get up on stage Yeah, that was the final test to see if I wanted to do comedy. I'm very You know anal also So I went to a comedy club and got a job like nine months I started as a door guy Then I became a sound guy and then I was the door guy combination sound guy combination bar back

Yeah, and they were running me ragged, but to me it was an education because I got to ask questions That's all I did. I just asked the headliner if I get one question Out of the headline that that made my job, you know, the 200 a week they paid me or whatever they paid me Worth it's while I would ask road questions about booking Are you ever scared? You know, the biggest fear is what you're about to go through right now In the next three years Like I said this year you'll headline twice next year you'll headline four times

But in the following year if you do your work correctly you'll headline 10 times Now there comes a time that you have to quit your job Like you have to and that's one of the hardest things for a comic That's one of the scariest Things for anybody is going into the unknown not knowing. Yeah, it's me saying to you. Listen I need john wednesday and you know, I got I got a job. Well, you can't online here Yeah, you're gonna get three of those and then you have to make a decision You're gonna get three of those people gonna go. I need your wednesday morning for press and you're gonna go

I got a day job. I can't be there till friday And then you're gonna ask yourself why did god put me on this planet? To fucking work in a fucking office or to do fucking comedy. I want to do fucking comedy So now you got to decide what the fuck you want to do that is the hardest Decision for a human being never mind a comedian who's on that cusp Because you have to make that cusp once you're making about a thousand a month off comedy There's only one way to double that thousand to two thousand that's by putting your day job. Yeah That that's that's a very scary thing for a person. So that was very scary for me

Like I already had a wife. I already had a child And I'm like I want to do comedy what and they're like in the beginning you're not going to make no money when I took the course When I took the stand-up comedy course for three weeks the first week you spoke about money and I wasn't important But he also gave us a chart of what they were paying you in comedy clubs In 1980 and what they were paying you in comedy clubs in 1990 And then people left the class in 1980 an mc got 1500 a week in a plane ticket. Wow A feature act got that's pretty good. 2,500 a week in a plane ticket. I'm like a headliner got like three

1,500 in a headliner 2,500 a headliner got like five thousand a week I've heard that before. Yeah, I've asked those questions. There were people Like the comic strip, you know, Paso, he wanted to be an aspiring comic He couldn't make it as a comic. He didn't want to put the work in. I mean, he's a great guy Bart I'm gonna say nothing bad about him But Bart told me these stories that he would just come up to the comedy store the notebook With a notebook with a calendar And as you got off stage you go leak. Come here. Here's a plane ticket

What are you doing? October 12th or the 16th nothing You're an El Paso with me. Wow the Agostino. What are you doing? You know, he would just give you a plane ticket in those days mc's got plane tickets So the boom was an 85 or something and then it crashed when I got into it people saying don't get into comic It's really bad. Yeah, don't get into it. It's the downtime. Don't get into I just wanted to be happy I didn't get into it because of downs or the stock market or the dow was up I got into it because I needed something to fill the voids in my life. I just needed something Yeah, don't get into comedy right now, but yeah by the time you were gonna get paid anyway

It wasn't gonna be nowhere near that era So but I remember Jeff Harms the guy took the teacher. I'm very grateful to today But teaching that class for 33 dollars. Wow 33 dollars And then the last week you had to do a little three minutes in front of him And when I got on stage, you said don't leave until I talked to you and he was listen, man You could do something like this. He goes. Why don't you get a job? Because I was like, I don't know if I can do this. Shit. I got a wife and a kid He goes, so do I

So did roseanne because roseanne had broken at that time I started at roseanne was breaking out of Denver. So Denver was the hotbed All these comics were moving to Denver now thinking that that was the hotbed. I lived there. So I was just doing comedy there But when I got into comedy roseanne was on fire. So everybody was trying to Whatever the fuck, you know, that was 91 91 July of 91 Where did you take the class in boulder the University of Colorado in boulder? I found it by mistake. Huh by mistake. I just wanted to be a comic. I didn't know where to start And I looked at the paper and there it was

I was like fuck So I took that class in like 90 And I didn't get on stage till 91 Damn, I think I think that class April of 90 Yeah, April of 90 it took me a year What month and 91 did you get on stage? You remember July July July or June? I think it's June 18th or July 18th one of those It's July because it was football season

And the next day I had to do I got on stage on a tuesday and a guy named Bill Bill Bauer And another guy that committed suicide great guy in Denver Asked me to do the Denver Broncos training camp and really So my second gig ever Was doing five minutes in front of a bunch of rookies from the Broncos

And it didn't go well. Was that first one a mic or a show the first one was a comedy works On a tuesday, I went to the county where some gone on stage legitimately. How'd you get on comedy works? It's not an open mic Yeah, oh it was an open mic. That's funny. I started on a tuesday too because I started the at the hallowed improv That was my first time ever on stage because they have mics still every tuesday. What were you doing for work then? Nothing. I was collecting unemployment. I got fired from my mall job And uh, I was like 20 and I just stopped working and I was collecting unemployment I was like, you know what? I've always wanted to start stand-ups. This is a perfect time And I just and I just went up there. How did you feel and drive back to the improv? I felt incredible. I felt great

I I mean not because I did well, but because I just felt like this huge accomplishment I was so blinded by my feeling of accomplishment that I thought I did well And then the second time I went on stage, I ate a bag of dicks like I actually realized. Oh, like I'm not that good You know, I love when comics have when people say to me, yeah, I want to get into comedy. What do I do first? I always say get on stage. Get on stage. Just get on stage. Don't sit there and write I love when people go, I'm writing. I'm getting it together. I'm putting it together. You lost. I'm putting a set together That's what I did. You know, I for a year and a half was putting a set together. I wasn't doing nothing I every time I'd open a notebook. I'd cry like a little pussy. Really? Yeah, I would cry the notebook would boo me

Like I would open up the notebook and they would go boo After the beginning and I would close it like it was a fucking horror show And I would say fucking I'm not right. Yeah, you just you know, you're mentally scared. You have fear Of not Of not knowing what's I mean, we all do this isn't just for comedy If you were a fucking plumber and tomorrow I promoted you to head plumber and gave you a new construction job You wouldn't sleep that night. It's yeah fucking up. It's like anything else in life. You know, yeah, it's fear You know, it's like when your boss says to you, hey, I gotta go to court today for a fucking

Shit, you got to run the job today. You got to lay this pipe and you're like, you're not prepared to lay this shit by yourself You're not prepared to hang the sheet rock by yourself. You're not prepared to hang these lights But guess what you do it You do it you might drill a hole. That's bad You might have to come back and spackle it or you you did it off mark or three inches off or something But then you learn for the next time what you learn for the next time And you just get better and better each time you do it I don't have a problem

With a comic car on the club and going high. My name is Johnny boom butts I've been doing comedy for two years and I think I got 12 minutes and I like to come down and let me see I don't have a problem with that at all. I have a problem with the guy That calls the club and lies Yeah, follow me. Yeah, I'd rather that guy go how many minutes you got 12 You know what let's try featuring you the first time. I won't give you a feature money I'll give you mc plus and just come and try it You know, you you're never gonna know you can lift 300 pounds till you try to lift. Yeah

So that's you know, this this is but don't lie and say I've lifted it before You know, don't fucking set up a showcase with mitzsche sure When you're doing comedy two and a half years And go in there and expect it because That's why most comics don't do comedy where they're from That's why 50 percent of comics When you go to them where you from they go Baltimore you play, uh That club in Baltimore McGooby's they'll go no that fucking guy's a scumbag. He hates me because you started that

He remembers you going up there doing dinosaur jokes for the sign and a fucking three-piece pseudon That's all he remembers. That's why I tell people Be scared of where you go because that's the fucking thing they're gonna remember and that was a set you work so hard on It's getting ready and I'll get on the stage When you get on stage and you do it for the first time that set you're never gonna say it again And you work so hard to get it ready. It's a waste of time That's it's ridiculous to hear that I'm gonna get that set ready and then I'll start it's like, you know You're never gonna say those jokes again. Wait to join jujitsu

I just read that yet Some guys like hey man, I gotta lose 50 pounds before and then I can go in there Put that heavy gi on dude and you'll sweat that 50 pounds off Why are you gonna lose the 50 pounds before you lose your jitsu? That's gonna make a fucking difference. Just go in there fat and fucking sweat it off Put an extra t-shirt on and put an extra gi on and fucking go for it. Yeah And then if you like it, you're gonna want to lose the 50 pounds. It's just fear It's natural human fear

We all have to have a little bit of fear to make this thing work We're all scared of going into bigger positions all of us. Nobody's null and void of this People tell you I got it. No, you don't when you're walking into that firm the next day And you're the fucking lead attorney on a case you're gonna feel it. I don't give a fuck what you tell me You know I'm saying yeah, but everybody gets a chance And either you go through that wall Or you don't go through that. Well, when was the first time you featured? Probably with you

Really? I think so. Where at I featured once at at some bar with greg wilson, remember When I was really really young and I only did like We were we were like late and they're and they were like, well, you guys are like an hour late and and uh He can only do five and I just did five but other than that. I think the first time was with you had to be at an improv Because that's pretty much where I feature for you the most in the beginning. There's a lot of improv's Yeah Was it hard for you to climb out of the open mic pit? You went from being an open mic to a feature, right?

Um, oh you MC'd a lot. I MC'd with you. I think a little bit too I MC'd with you a little bit before I featured I don't like MC, but you know everybody tells you that's what you gotta do You got to work your way up to feature. I didn't I didn't MC very often very much I think I went to feature pretty soon. I think working at a comic club had a lot to do with that I learned pretty quick. I got a lot of stage time. I had a lot of material You got up every night when you worked it Not on the shows. I got up every single day at the open mic and then during the week I get up every night

How can you describe your journey for people? What do you think so far after 10 years? man, um Peaks and valleys, you know It's so weird how when you're having a bad month or week Did you feel like it's over? It's so weird. I don't know I've done a bunch of things jobs my whole life and there's nothing else like that when you're having a bad week or month You feel like that's it. It's over. You're done Everything else you just feel like it's a bad week. It's bad, but this really feels it feels horrible. I mean, but uh

I mean, it's a journey, you know, you constantly talking to yourself and going like Oh, what do you care about what that guy's doing? And you know, it's wrong to look at other comics and compare it to yourself But then there's a little person inside of you going Well, how come that fucking guy gets up every week at the store and I don't you know what I mean? Like you can't help it. There's just so much emotion and and uh Thank god we have so much podcast now

It's it's never I don't think it's ever been I don't want to say easier but to start stand-up An audience has never been more educated on stand-up because the podcast like you know What you're going into There wasn't podcasts when I started no one was telling us this Like bro, there's gonna be hard times no one was saying that you just went in That first time I went up on stage Afterward, I asked the guy who was working at the improv and I was like, so what next?

Like I remember saying that to him. So what do I do next? He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, how do I get on uh when I first started juice was big Comedy juice was just blowing up and then improv had the posters comedy just all over the wall And I'd be like, how do I get on that? The guy was like, bro Today was your first day Give him a breather, you know, but I think of a lot of comics today. They got podcasts like you know And and now I know how uh, that's why I say this is just the beginning

I'm sure I think that I've hit hard times But I don't think I've hit anything yet like it's just gonna be It just as much as they're gonna be highs. There's gonna be lows So in the last 10 years, that's uh, I think I'm building thick skin And getting ready for it. You know when you make the conscious decision to be a musician When you make the conscious decision that you want to be an artist that you want to To stand up that you want to do something

That's not in the realm of everybody else You know me and like yeah Most people go to college. They come out. They graduate. They get a fucking job And that's that's what they do and I'm fine with that. You know, I'm saying they become doctors lawyers, whatever When you make the conscious decision to go, you know what man? I love music so much I'm gonna teach the guitar in the daytime or the bass or the drums To to to you know, help my income like dry instead of driving uber. Yeah, I could teach the guitar You know, it teach the bass and eventually I'll get enough kids in there to

Cover my nut and then you do the band, you know, you do the band thing But once you make a decision, this is what I want people to know That a lot of people don't know once You jump into music art I don't care. Just not the daily grind Which I'm not saying is bad either. I'm not putting anybody down What I'm trying to state is once you get into that world of arts You know when you go to prison and you come out if you look deep enough

You could get a handicap sticker When you go to prison, you come out and say you're disabled because you can't get a job because you're a felon And they'll disable you and they'll give you 800 a month and they'll Find you a fucking what do you call those lower section eight section eight apartment and they'll do all that for you When we get on stage or we throw mud at that first picture Or we play the guitar You become a different you go into a different category of human being I don't know if you know this you become a different category of a human being

So what applies for different human beings doesn't apply for you That's why that girl sleeps in her car Even though she's broke and she does comedy That's why kennison and and and carla bow would walk from westwood To the comedy store and sunset and eat the fruit for the drinks You know, what makes people do that? You know, what makes Duff and four other guys live in a garage And do music normal people don't do that. Yeah, if your mother comes over she'll go leave get up

What are you doing living in a fucking office with five guys? Eating cereal and drinking fucking whiskey. That's what you're living off of Because your dream is that you don't give a fuck I gained 418 pounds. I didn't give a fuck about my health because my dream was you don't become like normal people You're not that normal no more You become, you know, how many doctors are there? How many lawyers are there how many stand-up comics are there not too many So there's something wrong with us disqualifies us as something wrong

So it pertains to normal human beings doesn't pertain to us You know people must look at us and go you did what? You drove to michigan for 250 dollars Who would do that? That's what happens when you become a guitar player a drummer a bass, you know Won't I become an artist and us three have an art fucking exhibit in fucking las vegas We're gonna drive. Yeah, the agustino's Prius And you know what one of us isn't gonna have money for a hotel room

So one of us is sleeping on somebody's fucking floor You wouldn't do that from the other on the any other conditions Nobody would pick a career where they're gonna starve for 10 years Because even a doctor when he graduates has a paying job Even a lawyer when they graduate law school when they pass the bar They get you know, whatever 80,000 a year to start Depending on what market you're with when you become an artist You become a different type of human being the regular rules don't apply to you

That's the hardest part for me Like from the from school to any job I had You always said what's next you always kind of know what's next You're like, okay. I'm gonna go find guy. This is the promotion I get and then I do that job or Someone will tell me when I'm going to the next grade or someone will tell me when I'm getting a blue belt No No one's gonna tell me and that's why I get anxiety About like did I do the right thing with this gig because should I have done this?

Should I've taken that gig? like it's That's the hard part for me is The anxiety that I get when no one's telling you what to do. You have to make every decision For your every decision for yourself And it's completely different than than you're doing and then the Agostino did and that's the craziest Why do you think I tell you every Monday to call John Rizzo and Johnny rock? You think I don't like you

No, I know Don't even call him no more. You can't call him no more because he can't do nothing for you And I don't want you to feel bad I had a problem when I was 19 and 20 and 21. I had a big problem The kids I hung out with all came from money The families had money So I was always felt I was always made to feel like a fucking bumpy. Somebody always had to pick up my dinner You know what they spent in the night? I made in the week

Yeah, do you know what I am like what they spent on coke and drinking on a night? And I tried to catch up with them I tried to keep up with them and I'd always have to steal and do this and do that and do The same thing as with comedy okay, if if you hang out with Rogan and Dave Chappelle And you hear them talk all day. You're gonna feel bad about yourself. Yeah Yeah, you're gonna feel bad about yourself

if you hear the agostino and Steve Simone talk all day. They're your friends. They love you But you're gonna feel weird about them They had talked about managers. They talk about agents. They talk about auditions They talk about showcasing for Montreal. They talk about things that So right away it makes your psyche want to speed up the process It makes your psyche make you feel I gotta get there. I gotta get there This is why I tell you every monday

Call johnny rock call rizzo get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of hollywood Get the fuck out of hollywood with these kids with the fucking headshots Go to the mexican bars Learn how to do comedy learn how to go down there and for them and for you to go I'm here and then they go there's a dodgy game on Go have a margarine and wait for the dodgy game to finish, you know This is why I tell you to get a dose of realism To get a dose of realism because every open miker in l.a. Whether he tells you or not

They'll all tell you the same shit. I don't want to be rich or famous. I don't want to be it Then why are you doing this? Why are you at barney's beannery? You know Why are you sleeping and you're fucking you follow me? Yeah, so it always puts that pressure on you I don't ever want you to hang out with people that you can't They can't You get lost in the what's that movie that came out lost in the Translation you get lost in translation

They're not trying to be scumbags to you You know, it's like when you're 10 and you want to hang out with your 18 year old brother He's getting his dick sucked. He's going to clubs. You can't go You can't go. You're not allowed. What do you want me to tell you? I want to go I want to be like you. Yeah, I know, but you can't go. They don't let you That's why I tell you Because you so you're not around old guys You're around kids your age

That are all looking for the same thing and you understand each other. I don't understand you right now And you don't understand me and the agustino when I talk to him. I don't know what the fuck i'm talking about I don't know what the fuck he's talking about Because we're all at different levels of comedy Nothing wrong with me the agustino being friends and you and I being friends It's if when you're around me and fucking tom sagura all day. How bad are you gonna feel? It's just natural I learned from being a kid like, you know, I hung out with people who their families had money

And here I am trying to run with them now. Give them a drink. I buy around the drink. I'd be broke $30. I'm broke. Damn They're buying 10 rounds of fucking night plus blow plus dinner at the diner afterward So it's the same thing applies I got stuck in a phase at one point and I caught myself doing it Of giving a shit more about what my peers thought than what the audience thought It's like like the audience at the show. Yeah, like you got into comedy to be an artist At be you're a performing artist to give you

My show on stage and I you want to be the best at it at one point you get caught up With hearing guys and how well they're doing And then it becomes about Not being an artist anymore It becomes about I want to be as good as these guys and then you start focusing on your peers too much And then I got I went into that little phase where when I was on stage and joey was in the room I wasn't worried about making the people laugh. I was worried about joey being in the room Right

And then all of a sudden I caught myself doing it and I'm like I gotta stop doing that Stop thinking about what he thinks and what he thinks and what he thinks I gotta do My performance on the stage and if they laugh Then whoever else in the back of the room is watching could go fuck themselves. They go fuck themselves. They laugh. Nothing bothers me more Nothing you have no idea how much this bothers me When I'm about to go on stage and the comic goes you go on stage come on go in there and watch Do me a favor Don't

Yeah, I'd rather you not be in the fucking room because now I'm worried about a comic. Hey dog 28 years still same thing Yeah, there's certain comics I freeze up in front of Freeze up in front of I know the feeling because I know they're critiquing me They're watching me my every move and they're saying something to me. This is how far back I've been opening for you I opened for you once in Ontario improv And you didn't even sit in the green room Because it wasn't sold out. That's how long I've known you when you weren't sent out to Ontario

You were sitting in the booth in the way back of the room over there Watching the show and I felt nervous as fuck that you were sitting there watching the entire show That's how long I've known you now. You can't sit back there. The fucking sells out You know what I mean? And he was just there watching. I'm like fuck. Why is he sitting there watching? He used to fuck with me And then on the drive home. I think I drove with you that that time on the drive home You went like, you know, you're a very good writer and I was like, oh, you know, it made me feel good But then again, I don't want to get caught up thinking about what other comics think about me

what about Do you guys I mean and obviously you want to do well But I had an issue where you were saying when you go through bad periods the first four to five months of this year I wasn't happy with what I was doing And I felt the issue for me was is I started to get some cool shows Like I started to do some shows and so I was constantly working on the stuff that I knew worked And for whatever reason I felt like everything I was writing didn't work And I was always trying to do very like I was always trying to do too. Well, I think on stage

I didn't I didn't want to take a chance. Well, I got bad news for you. That's gonna come and go You know Like right now you're gonna think I'm doing good and you'll go back and look at last week's video and you'll be like I can't believe that was me. I'm better now. Oh my god, but next year you're gonna look at you right now I think that you're shit now. Oh, I'm sure. Oh, yeah. No, I'm But it's It was hard for me to to make that transition to be like I can I have to write you stuff got stuck in my For the microphone. Sorry. No, it's okay. Everybody just

It's hard When how long did it take you guys to get over that to I want to do amazing every set I mean, you always want to do amazing every set. We nobody's paying to go see you I know think about people paying to go see you. That's even more anxiety about when somebody goes to see you They had to get a babysitter They had to pay $30 for tickets. They went to dinner and they're coming to see you Dude, I'm just surprised that you can remember a full hour of material not you in general Just people can remember a full hour. That's what you get on stage overnight for Jesus

Think of I'm not I didn't say that to put you down. No, no, I need to see you I know what I'm saying is everybody wants to do good. Listen, whether you play baseball the harmonica the flute You suck dick. You take it in the ass. You want to do good at what you do You always want to do good at what you do, but you also have to remember it's a process And you're learning and that's what people forget They get caught up somewhere for a short period of time. Don't get happening to me. It happens to everybody. Nobody fucking gets Nobody falls out of this you get caught up in this shit and you forget the end and listen about three weeks ago I got off the plane from new york feeling good about myself about being in the movie

And I went on facebook and somebody found a funny is funny set of me Did you see it when I had a A red shirt with his I don't even know what that is funny. It's funny. It was funny was a show they taped at the improv in 98 I watched three minutes of that set And I wanted a headbutt the fucking computer screen It was an hour and guys he was the scary thing. This is I'm not ashamed to say this I was already in l.a And I was fucking god awful

God already passed at the store pass at the store doing spots at the store You know fucking fight banging it out people burying me bombing And I watched that tape and I felt bad for myself like I was like If I would have watched that for reals like when it came out, I would have probably quit Like that ad on tv on talamundo or something. I don't know where the fucking ad And I'm sure people do socks at that fucking thing Hey listen man, that's what this is all about. It's about growing You know what you look at

It's a couple months ago. I'd listen to I got all the cds I taped on my iPod on the plane I put one of them on I almost had a fucking heart attack If I could have jumped out of the plane without a parachute, I wouldn't you know That's natural. We all want to do better, you know, but you also have to see where you're at You also have to see where your materials at and you also have to know that Even Dave Chappelle bombs Even Dave Chappelle bombs He doesn't bomb as much as we do

Because people pay $80 to see him and they're not going to tell people that he ate a bag of dog Do you follow me? Dave Chappelle could go into a stage right now charge you guys a hundred bucks a ticket And do a whole hour of Workout material and make you laugh 10 times. You're not going to tell your friends. He sucked. Yeah, because then you look like you got beat You look like you got beat So always remember that that we could you know, everybody bombs Everybody bomb, you know, I still remember being at the store and chris rock getting a standing ovation on the way up He's not gonna bomb

Right. He's not gonna bomb If he says boo, they're gonna laugh just out of impulse, you know, your mind is trained That's why I always tell you said something interesting to me the other day that you're having a hard time with bar shows big difference You know dice said that the other day about dice Tonight somebody wrote some stupid shit on facebook that they didn't like the podcast So he was on and he was douchey And I'm like listen, bro. I don't put nobody on that. I don't love and I judge them by what's in their heart Dice when it comes to stand-up comedy

He's like Einstein 40 years. He's like Einstein He will tell you things that your head will fucking blow up He will tell you the psychology, you know, who else is good at that? Ralphie may Ralphie may was very good at the psychology of the audience Something that you don't need to think of for 10 years but the psychology of the audience is basically When you go to a comedy club, you're predetermined to laugh Oh my god, we're gonna see my favorite comic chrystalia. Yeah, we're going to a comedy club

When you go to a bar to do drugs on a tuesday and my bellow And joe dears is on stage doing pussy jokes Totally different set of mind. Yeah Totally different. You're going into battleground instead of So the psyche of the person going to watch comedy is also very different He's going to a fucking he's going to watch a dodger game at the local pub And he gets there And he hears chitter chatter from the back. There's 20 people in the back

And there's these fucking jerk off comedians in the back But three weeks, he's just going to look back and go fucking assholes. Yeah And one day he's going to actually go back there Because maybe alley wong is back there and he's like he saw alley wong on a tiki, you know what I'm saying? So you have to win people over. So the psyche of the person going to watch comedy When you go into these places to do comedy, I don't want you to think about it As a as a young comic and I'm talking a young comic up to seven years 10 years You don't have to think about the psyche of the audience. Just think about going up there getting your footing under you

And making people laugh as best as you can That's it making people laugh as best as you can Dice set it best the other way. Stop thinking Stop thinking about it. There's nothing to think about thinking always gets you in trouble Especially as a man think about when you go home at night. You're tired You fucked and dug a trench. You killed your wife. You worked 10 hours. You fucked 20 women You're tired. You go home and also you think of something and now you're wide awake Only a thought could get keep you wide awake that fucking sugar or met

Thinking is the worst thing in the fucking world for you. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking? What is it to think about? Like everything go down there and do 15 minutes and shut your mouth. Just be funny Don't think about tomorrow. What do you have to worry about tomorrow? Or what they're gonna think about every time and I'm telling you from experience every time I've thought It gets you in trouble. What are you thinking about? All you need is tonight. What are you doing tonight? Well, I'm working on this new bed about dogs getting hit by cars. Ah, you lost

Just go down there and be organic Just go down there and do the fucking job You know, I got one thing I got a handle about you at the Agostino 10 years you just put your head down. You're taking shit from all angles. You know Here there and it doesn't matter One thing that really got to me last year was a fucking jerk off with the comedy store If you go into the comedy store and mitzi sure hates you and throws you out. Do you think you're done with comedy? No He's just not gonna work the store. You could still end up being lewis ck or davis chappelle

Yeah, if the improv throws you out, you could still be lewis ck or davis chappelle If the laugh factor throws you out if the funny bone throws you out and bans you from the funny bone chain You could still be lewis ck or davis chappelle If the improv throws you out, you could still there's no excuses if you really want it If you really want it, there's no excuses You know Look at louis ck got fired from every network. He was had business with it has even stopped him Like he found a way to still get on stage and work out when nobody wants. I don't when it comes to comics

I'll tell you who's doing the work and who's not I'll tell you because I've been there. I know what it is to do the work I know what it is to do the work And then there's a difference between doing the work and working smarter So for my first three years I did the work Once I saw leg was ammo and I went back to colorado I started working smarter And that's when you start improving and leaps and bounds

That's where the improvement comes. Oh every 90 days. You're like Oh I got a new five minutes I I you know, I fucking did this I tried a new joke in the middle of my set I opened up with my closer Wait till you start forcing yourself to do that Open up with your closer and take whatever's coming to you like a man I've done that for years on those triple runs open up with your closer and take what's coming to you

Take the beating take the fit. It's like sitting down and somebody's smacking you with a glove They don't really smack you with their hand. They just backhand you like the french. Yeah, that's those That's what those are Open up with your closer and take a chance And see where you end up. Those are my favorite fucking spots. That's where you That's what I miss about Denver There you go I'm not gonna smile any of this

Your face Yeah, I'll give you $1,000 you throw that term is doing this face right now smell that no take a whiff Take a whiff of that out of that. You're breathing it already. It's already going into your lungs. What's the difference? Yeah, that's probably why I got asthma. Yeah, you got that DNA. Yeah, he had bronchitis. Now. He's got asthma The bronchitis my mother said I got bronchitis You got nothing you got that you got lungs made for a 120 and you're walking around at 280 And your lungs are like little peanuts and you can't breathe the same problem I got I'm a fat fuck my lungs are made for somebody want 90 and I'm 300 pounds

Sure, you're gonna breathe heavy your lungs are the size of your little head Think every time you walk up the stairs and you take a shit. What happens to your lungs? No, that's why that's part of it. That's why I asked you to stretch out your lungs to smoke more reefer No, that's why I'm the offer and now you're like a half a flag. Yeah I gotta ask him Two weeks ago was bronchitis. Remember when he was getting bronchitis every 90 days? No, I wasn't I only got it once a year No, you didn't yeah, I never got it before I started smoking weed. No, no, I know you never got it You were tip-top magoo. You were ball of help said la smogly ball of help. No the fuck

Let me ask you something What little things would you say that you picked up from sitting in the back at the improvism watching headliners that you remember that you Specifically went like, okay, that's the difference that a headliner is doing. What did you learn? Confidence I learned uh Not that I use it, but I learned how they structure their jokes. Hmm I always wanted to do callbacks And that's what I got. I worked on callbacks a lot more, you know

And I just learned how to be a headliner You know a headliner is 45 minutes. It's three 15 minute pieces There's a beginning a middle and an ending just like a book You know, I was going up there and pulling the Rodney for 45 minutes Okay, which I still kind of do which is Open line open close No, nothing open close all dirty There wasn't a beginning a middle or an ending

Everything has a beginning a middle and an ending. Mm-hmm. And that's what I got out of it. And that was at the 15 year mark I'm doing comedy what 20 some years So this had to be 2009 2010 18 year mark Right before I met you was when I when I met you. Yeah, I had just finished that little tour headliners And I was still on the fence about quitting I was still very much on the fence about getting a day job

Doing little spots here and there and just opening up a road and I was very content I was doing San Jose, you know, everybody was taking care of me. Irvine was taking care of me. I had my room in Brea Yeah, I remember that that was fun. Brea every month. I had the dirty show in Brea So I had things going on. I just Didn't know, you know, and that's what I'm saying that When you pick this life You never know what's going to come from day to day. So stop guessing and stop trying to guess Stop guessing and stop trying to guess. This is every day something different

Just like I I I watch you and I'm very proud of you. I'm looking you in the eye and telling you this because You did the work, you know You did the work. I watched you do the work regardless of what people are doing Just do a little piece and you got your day job, you know, I'm saying to keep you together But now that you're gonna start the headline Now in two or three years that day job has to go away Yeah, how you it's like the flying one line is you gotta pull the net away You could have a net from uh, Steve Simone and I were talking about how many guys we saw

That didn't make it in this town because they kept their fucking day jobs I could personally name three people who would have had careers today If they would have quit their day jobs What's a career? A career is making six figures a year. Maybe Shooting tv show and maybe a stand-up thing for Comedy Central That's a career where I come from. Yeah Doing what you love getting six figures and that's a career, you know, I'm saying

That that's But they never quit their day job You're telling your mind that you don't have enough confidence In what you're doing up there. I mean even Rodney Rodney did it and then he had to go back to work for a few years if you know Rodney's story But those two years he kept writing And he stacked those fucking notebooks up at work. So when he came back he had 22 hours of material So every time he had a special or some spot on tv he showed up with an extra six minutes people thought he was a genius

No, he just never stopped writing Just because he didn't perform he kept writing He kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept writing he kept putting all those one-liners boy Just talking them away in a notebook So he had a day job. Yeah day job selling aluminum siding He had a day job he went back to a day job And then he fucking quit that read the wikipedia read his web page tonight. It's really interesting I want you to you have to give yourself that confidence

You tell if you if you keep your day job, you're telling me you don't have the confidence in your stand-up to take it to that level You know, like I said, I didn't get in this to be Kevin Hart or Louis CK But i'm pretty happy now That we ended up where we did I didn't get in this to Be on tv. I didn't think I could book a headshot when I got here I honest to God guys honest to God. I swear to mercy that I never thought I thought I'd be an extra I thought I'd be an extra so

This is just one of these fucking, you know, and like I said in the beginning life is art same thing Life is art. You're gonna have struggles people gonna come and go you know When you have a day job, right this three weeks, you don't sell no insurance You quit. No, you're going through a cold spell, bro Maybe you're not reading the pitch, right? Maybe you're going off the pitch and you're not asking them to buy

Maybe you're talking too much instead of focusing on the clothes. Everything has an answer You know, I told I think I've had discussions with Poteas that I've been on a bombing streak You know, there's times I go on a bombing streak And what do you do you quit? No, it's like when you're a baseball player and you You go all for 15 They don't bench you they know that eventually you're gonna get your eye back Yeah, it's so weird. That's the crazy one to me is that baseball you're like an all-star

If you fail seven out of ten times 300 is the best you can hope for And hitting if I if I bombed Seven out of ten times. I don't know if I'd be a comic like yeah, you would You really because maybe those three times you got standing ovations and somebody died in the audience Okay, you know I'm saying man last time I went to a lisa ad show I got a diabetic seizure and the guy just died of a heart attack. That'd be pretty exciting I went to see him. He bombed. Yeah, but last time I went to see him. He killed the mother fuck

But also don't you Enjoy what you're doing regardless if you like you would you just quit if you had seven bombs in a row Don't you like being a comic like you didn't do it to be the best in the world You did it because you enjoy it like I enjoy I enjoy Going on stage trying something. I don't know what's gonna happen And seeing why it didn't work and then Fixing it up put it back. I enjoy it. I enjoy the fail. It's like part of it. It's like

It's fun That's the job to me. I'm still at a place now where I used to get upset with myself if I bombed at an open mic Which isn't even really a thing but I don't know if I'd quit if I bombed seven times in a row But it it takes it out of me when I get upset with myself and then also And who knows maybe it's just the further along you make more uh concessions I don't know if I'd be

living in a car Like I don't know if if if I love stand up enough like that that's when I see people doing them like that's a different level of of commitment that I like I I'd be like, okay Well, it's time to get a job and maybe do it a little bit at night Like that that's a different level that to be honest. I don't know if I have Well soon find out You know that this is what this is this is I

I had nothing else when I got into comedy. So I had nothing else to love. Hmm. I had nothing else to love I tried to love a thousand things and no nobody loved me back You know what I am nobody loved me back and I'm not saying that people love me when I do calm people still fucking hate me I don't you don't see my pictures of improv. You don't see nothing. I'm not even consider the fucking stand up I really don't give a fuck I still remember bombing two weeks on a row on a triple run and getting bad reports every night Like, you know, you get into a club and I'm going, you know, there's a Mormon audience

They don't want to get cursed. I didn't know that just my set in those days I was doing stand-up four or five years The material I had I had what are you telling me? I can't do my material I'd bomb And I never thought I'd quit because I knew that I had to go through this I knew that I had to go through this, you know, when you walk into a boxing gym You're not going to be the best boxer in that place the first fucking year The first year you're going to get beat up every fucking time you go to sport

Once a week, you're going to get beat up But after the first year you're going to start throwing a couple of jabs and connecting Then after two years your combos will be connecting, you know what I'm saying? Then after three years One of the guys in the gym is fucking doing an amateur fight and you get there and they scratch him Because he's overweight, but you made weight so you get in there without even preparing him and you win now what? Now your life changes now. I won What you know, I'm saying this is what the beauty is about life life is art Art mimics life life mimics art, you know, even if you work at a bank whether you're an investment bank or whatever

You got ups and downs bro life ain't fucking easy You know, think of the person today that has Two kids think of a fucking family that has two kids And both parents have to work and they still put shit on their credit card You know every time I go to a dodger game the first thing I think about is how lucky am I that I could take my wife My uncle and my daughter to a baseball game This family is a four. They can't afford a fucking and they both work hard. I think those people feel Both parents work and they can't afford a fucking dodger game because if they got a flat tire during the week

That goes their fucking month That goes their month the tire is what $70 $30 $40 dollars. You know what I'm saying? That's how hard they work So life is art. You're gonna have a hard time with everything you fucking do Whether it's making posters whether it's whatever Pick what you love It's all gonna suck. Yeah, so you might as well pick what you love If I'm an I hate it work, listen, let's get it on you. I hate it going to work I hate it. I hate it

I'll take the job. Oh, yeah, I'll take it. I'll take it for three weeks And another Thursday when that person says no, I don't want to buy and they hang up on you And you're like god damn it. I've only made two hundred eight dollars this week What the fuck I could make two hundred eight dollars in one night selling coke I would quit I never gave it a chance. This is the only thing I didn't quit Yeah, was it hard for you to start asking for money for stand-up? Or that wasn't an issue when I got into stand-up day. I knew there was no money right now I understand that I asked questions. So everybody that told me

I put it in my mind that the first 10 years. I'm not making a dime I had it already said that for 10 years. I'm not making any money. I don't want to make no money I don't even want to think about it. I didn't want to think about it I don't want because money is what ruins you with comedy Money is what ruins comedy I want you to fall in love with comedy before you start fucking with the money aspect of it Because if you really love comedy the money won't mean nothing to you You're just happy that you're doing what they're paying me what?

20 and all the sushi I could eat an open bar. Oh, yeah in a hotel room. I'm going right I'm going and if you don't do it somebody else will and you lose the stage time. Yeah You know, there was a lady in Seattle Laura Crocker. God rest her soul. She's dead. Fuck her but She was a booker when I was up there and she managed josh wolf. She didn't like me She didn't like me. She booked all these rooms and she didn't like me But I didn't like her either. So I would call her up every wednesday and go can I do a showcase? She had like 22 rooms. I would call every week and say can I do a showcase there?

And there was nothing she could say to me. She'd go. Yeah, you could do it I wasn't getting paid. I was better than all three comics that she had paid I was better than the headline of the feature and the mc. She paid I didn't let it bother me. I looked at that as a spot I looked at that as a spot So I don't have to go to fuck on the fourth wall and pay them five dollars. It's a spot I didn't care that she didn't pay me. I didn't give a frenchman's fuck Guess what when I got into the fucking store as a regular that night

In my mind, I thanked her for being a cunt to me And for making me fight that hard to do those guest spots every week Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so If you're getting into comedy This is why so many people get into podcasting and quit and so many people get into comedy and quit Because I think this is abundance of money. Listen guys If you're getting into a podcast today to make money You got a better chance of ubering

Got a better chance of ubering you do a podcast because you want to do it from your heart You enjoy getting your message out there The same thing would stand up when you get into stand up. I've seen all I've seen all the guys that were concerned with money all of them. So wait a second You do the comedy story night for 15 dollars. You're a sap I did the home brewery last week for 50 bucks. Great. Yeah do it for 50 bucks What do you want from me? You make 35 more than me, but you do that one gig once every three months. Good for you Good for you when you're in town. We don't see you. I didn't worry about money and I had child support

I had a cocaine problem. I had rent I had a thousand things and I didn't worry about money The money will come if god wants me to have the money under 29th of the month I'll get a call saying go to the ha ha and pick up 500. You're opening up for monster brother this weekend And if you put the work in If you put the work into whatever career you're in love with I guarantee like right now with your situation Okay, and about a year or two you're gonna have to quit the start headline

If you go out every night Right every day and believe in what you're doing I guarantee you as a man That you will make your nut every month I will make that promise to anybody who listens to that podcast If you go into something blind that you really love And you really put the work into it every day Every day nine to ten at night

I guarantee you'll make your nut whether it's 1500 a month or 4 000 a month. You know how I know Because I've been there and that's when I was doing blow That's before I was doing you understand me. That's what I really had problems. That's when I was snorting 300 a week Remember my drug bill a month used to be 2000 a month damn and I was making $15 spots So don't come to me with none of your fucking stories But I knew that every month I did the work Every month I did the work and every month I go like fuck

What am I gonna tell terry? It's the 20th and rent doesn't even look like it's coming in my future And on the 25th I get a call from shoe bird Or somebody going hey, and you know like you hang up the phone and you like I get it But if you quit your day job And you put a hundred percent in i'm not talking about going to the coffee shop in the daytime and hanging with your fucking loser buddies And talking about you know, well ron jezz on that special wasn't any good. He was overrated. You're not going nowhere

You might as well hang yourself. You might as well pull up brody stevens. You're not going nowhere But if you like the way I was working in seattle Like me josh and and and fucking the brody the way we're working in seattle. We're making a living I was paying rent every month I was making a hundred dollars a second. So I don't know what you're talking about 50s I was getting 25 from donna richards on friday to host an ab base But at the end of the month if you put the working You will make you nothing then some

Because I was paying child support rent snorting Sucking fucking drinking, you know, and there's some months are the better than others Yeah, you're gonna have one month out of 12 that you didn't have you're gonna have to borrow 200 or That's you know I went to columbus this weekend and I went to Atlanta last Two weeks in a row. I lost my luggage Really? Yeah

Atlanta lost a big suitcase This week I lost a little suitcase one of my boxing gloves to go to muay thai Do I look upset to you? Not upset. You know why I fly 30 times a year. Yeah, and they lost it once. Yeah twice This is what happens. It's a law of percentages. Yeah, it's the law of percentages. This works in flying This works in comedy and this works in life That's why when people come up to me they're like, I'm in the comedy for eight years Should I quit my job? It's up to you

It's up to you Know that if you quit your day job You're working eight hours a day, right? Yeah, you're gonna have to work 10 doing comedy. Yeah That's the phones. That's working the phones emails Getting in your car going down and talking to this guy and see if you get up next week for his show How many times, you know, it's telling him he goes like come on that guy. He never hit me back get down there Drive down there. Show the guy you want to do the room That's it. It's like hardly never happens over the phone, man. No. No, you gotta go down there

It sounds crazy, but like 90% of the gigs I gotta go down is because he was like, dude Gotta go down and they're like, I was just thinking about you gotta go down. You gotta get out of out of sight out of mind Gotta get out of house And then you ask yourself how come that guy got spots and I didn't because they went there You know many fucking times since I've been in this town I've said to myself i'm taking the night off And the store like when I first got here I would take like Whatever night nypd blue was on

And that was your shit. No, it wasn't my shit the girl I dated that was her shit So I wanted to take a night off because I was so condensed with comedy Do you know how many times I would say like I'm taking the night off? And at six o'clock I go Night off Fuck you And I go down there And all the nights that was the biggest night I get like an audition

Somebody would give me a gig and on the drive home. I'm like, that's why I went out last night. Yeah, I do that As a comic they come like once 90 I started comedy in 91 And yeah, it was the first two or three years. I fucked around for the first two years. I fucked around I didn't know what I was doing. I was snorting and doing this But in 93 There was no more tv in my house TV disappeared TV disappeared

Gave it away brand new sony trinitron Because if you're a real comic, you're not gonna watch tv You're not gonna binge watch tv. You're not gonna watch game of thrones when you're a real comic, you don't watch big Those first 10 years those first 12 years, you don't do nothing. I don't do nothing. That was my first 12 years Nothing. I didn't know anything baseball Football I didn't know nothing. I didn't know about sports I lost touch with everything All I thought about especially when I got here

When I got here, I really turned it on because I knew this was the major leagues This ain't the minor leagues. This ain't triple a ball. This ain't double a ball. This ain't single a ball This is hardball. This is real fucking ball here And you got to turn it up I didn't know nothing about staying and staying in staying in My wife left october 91 and from the night my life my wife left So 2004 I never stayed in

I'm not saying I drank every night. I'm not saying that I parted every night I'm telling you that I did not stay in every night because even if I didn't have a spot I want to see the headliner one of the nights Like even if I didn't have a spot like we were talking about being an open micro house sunday through thursday You have a lot of action that on the weekends. You don't have nothing saturday friday at deliver pizzas Yeah, you're not gonna if you're not gonna go do comedy. You might as well make money. Yeah

Go deliver pizza go uber go do something And then saturday I would pay and go see a headliner at the comedy works I go see whoever was hot bobby collins The kid from boston boston commons All those guys I used to go see him at the company you'd pay. Yeah Yeah Wow Jackie flinn, you know all those comics steve mcgrew

Just I can't remember how many fucking god the guy, you know, you you must be a redneck I paid to see sign felt in concert at the theater in denver. Did you really? Yeah, can't picture you doing it Yeah, yeah, no, I did it after I got into comedy. I knew that you gotta go watch what these guys are doing You got to go watch you got to go fucking pay attention when you're a Double-a baseball player you go watch the dodgers on your days off. You want to go see what fucking what's his name is doing How much was that sign felt ticket you remember? A girl bought a phone for a date I told the girl I really wanted to go and I got her a job and she got a first check and she to repay me

Oh, okay. She paid for the ticket. I had a really good time Sign felt was clean and you know, whatever the fuck it was. Did you like him? Yeah, I always like sign felt. I always like sign felt. He had a joke about how does the hair crawl up the wall in the shower That's my favorite joke of his You would take a shower when there's a hair right across from you. Yeah, how does it climb up the wall? I was fucking dying. I love that Yeah, I guess you know, I want to tell you I'm really proud of you. Thank you I'll keep doing what you're doing. Obviously. It's working. What's the name of your podcast homeschooled like a motherfucker

And you have a website and everything. Yeah homeschooled pod Dot com or also augustino comedian.com same thing. Listen guys I know a lot of you just came out to support me in minneapolis. It's fourth of july weekend You're gonna watch fireworks on thursday night friday saturday and sunday friday saturday and sunday friday saturday sunday the wall of america If you're not doing anything, it's a personal fucking friend of mine. I love him to death. He's a hard worker He's like my little brother. He covered my ass years ago when I was doing Spots at the store. I'm very proud. Thank you. I'm very happy that you had lining and uh

I wish this is the beginning of great things for you, man. I appreciate it. Thank you very much for being on the other date You got um right now. That's it. Just those. Let's just focus on those right now. Yeah I'm just focusing on the motherfucking wreck room this friday night in uh, huntington beach friday first show sold out second show It's myself and cake wiggly and my man little gay in I love that little gay guy. Oh, he's awesome I haven't seen him in a while. I haven't seen him in a while, but he's gonna host for me and then uh July 10th through the 12th. I'm at the motherfucking charlotte comedy zone With my main man out of fucking louisville brad landing. That's my dog out of louisville

I love him to death and that's it and that's that it's fourth of july week But we want to give you a little something to start off your fucking monday morning with real quick I want to read a little message from our sponsors and i'll let you go out and get your fucking fireworks. I'm very upset They confiscated $50,000 worth of fireworks in a ship today in southern california that were coming my way I was in the blow up police building. I was in the buy a quarter stick of dynamite, but they fucked it up And uh, that's it and that's that but number one listen Hiring is hard. You know hiring is a is a challenge It's hard to find qualified candidates. It takes a long time too many applicants blah blah blah blah blah. Listen

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And that's it and that's that don't forget the rec room friday 10 o'clock show and then charlotte the comedy zone July 10th to the 12th. I love you motherfuckers. We'll see you wednesday morning Tip top magoo ready to fucking go kick this motherfucking mule I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart

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Fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding From a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you profile