Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #704 - Brendan Schaub

Episode Date: July 26, 2019

Brendan Schaub, former UFC fighter, cohost of "The Fighter and the Kid" and "The King and The Sting" podcasts and host of "Below The Belt" on Showtime, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you.     Vincero Watches - Get yours at Vincerowatches.com and our listeners get 15% off and worldwide FREE shipping when you use promo code CHURCH.

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It's the easy way to compare all the top insurers and find the best value for you All right policy genius delegate what you hate Especially if you hate getting life insurance Lee take this motherfucking mule the revolution is televised Oh shit Thursday July 26 25th, it don't matter motherfucker The church of what's happened now Brendan sharp the Christ killer I Brendan sharp in the motherfucking. What's up, brother? What's up my man? Love you, man Love you too. You look great. What's going on? How's the baby baby's good?

You had another one coming in November. How old is your son now three and a half three and a half? That's fun. It's fun. He's a critter though. They can't He's in like a summer camp right now. He's in like pre-school He learns to hang out with other kids. Yes mama break potty train him now though. It's a piece man They come up filthy. It's tremendous. It's great on their own. It's great. It's amazing when you see the evolution How they pick up shit on their own then one day they'll tell you daddy You don't need to go in the bathroom no more on my privacy Your heart just breaks like daddy get the fuck out. He's also yeah, he's either gonna be

Just a badass athlete or serial killer because he does certain shit like when you're potty train You got to get rid of everything. You gotta make him realize like when he takes a shit All right, you keep doing that man. We're gonna take your shit away. So we've been taking toys I've been taking his iPad taking all the stuff then hit the last straw is he has this like We call the Yahya, but it's like a past fire. He's that since he's one day old and he only gets it renown them But it's his that's his rider die. It's a lion He's obsessed with it and not my girl goes my girls fuck and not Mexican Nazi fucking she runs a tight ship I don't agree with all that. She runs a tight fucking ship. She goes if he should spats again

I'm gonna take that Yahya. I'm gonna throw it in the trash in front of him. I went. Oh, it's gonna be a world war That's his shit. Yeah, and so he should just pants on what I looked on what damn dude You messed up and I go my girl smells it. She goes, that's it. I tell you that's it She opens up the trash can grabs his past fire goes like this and he comes over and I seem like looking she drops in the trash I went odds there goes my night. It's gonna be world war fucking three. He just looks at both of us and goes I have others Dang Gangster, I just turn around cuz I was laughing how tough is she oh, bro Spanish woman

The only reason why I picked the day care We went to like six day cares and they were all nice and shit some of my goat cheese some of them gave a fuck Yeah, tofu I walked into one. I saw two Spanish women. I looked at my wife. Oh, this is what this is it These two Spanish women don't play and I try to explain to my wife about the Spanish culture your girls. What ethnicity she's why this can be No, no, I like my white girls nice pale with dirty feet Yeah, I don't like I don't like I you know, I love I love all women Yeah, but I always liked Irish woman. All right, it was a kid But the other day we went to a party about a month and a half ago

We got out of the car my my daughter goes look it's Carlos A friend from school and Carlos his mom was there with another little baby and Carlos just happened to walk in the street They say hello to mercy. There was no cars coming on after that. She goes Carlos But out there Carlos can't walk and I put out that means wait and this bitch said uno Dos and that kid knows what's up, and the kid three is it made me nervous My wife looked at me and she was like, holy shit. I go. I told you oh Spanish moms give you what they got a short fuse and then shit starts flying Oh, dude, it gives me chills up my spine when Mike when Mike can mess up and I'm like I just look I'm gonna do it your mom

You know no And she speaks Spanish when she starts slaying Spanish. He understands Spanish better than English Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're saying good all I know is he screwed when she starts slaying that Spanish and he understands That he gets tears in his eyes. I'm like dude, you know, you fucked up, right? Yeah, I thought my daughter a lot of Spanish Because she won't want to talk it now whether she gets older. Oh Spanish friend now she knows what I'm talking about. No, he my son understands Spanish better than English He speaks both. He's fluent, but he definitely understands Spanish better and then

Like his his nanny only speaks Spanish to him his grandma who watches only speaks Spanish. He only gets his English from me TV and then when he goes to school, but he understands it all man You love being a dad. Nothing better, brother Nothing better when you do that last show explain to people When you do that last show on Saturday night call and they put the check in your hand that all you give a fuck about Like people calling you let's go for a drink. There's a woman giving on blow jobs on the main street And you're like that's all fine and dandy, but all I can think about is get on that plane Get the fuck home to the kid. I'm sorry. I know you've made plans. I I'm not kind of a Gregor

I'm not showing up to the VIP Soon as they get that check the weekend is over all I'm thinking about It's coming home to my fucking child and are you old-school joy like I some some comics will have You know the the check wire to CAA or their agency and then they get the percentage I need the physical check like I'm from 1983 I want my money. Give me. I want the physical check because when you wire it. I don't feel like I get I want my money I need as soon as I get off stage. I need the manager hand me the check. I'm like Maurice Wiggins. I want my money I want my money. I want my money when you shoot a movie. This is something for young comics and actors to know

You get that way. You're hungry. You're starving an agent signs you You go to a commercial agent. They sign you and while you're signing you don't realize you sign a piece of paper That says that all their checks go to the Company first. Yes, you get a check in the mail. Well By law theater and television movie and film is ten days Ten days you should have your check if you're a screen actors gill performer If you're a screen actors gill commercial actor commercial checks at 30 days, okay? But in reality, let me tell you what happens. They get the check four days later

100% the commercial company sticks the Money in the bank and they save it for two cuts later Then they mail you the check and you get the five-day travel. They'll make it 32 days But they have your money. So what I do is when I do a movie TV Anything I ripped that paper up and I give it to the people and they look at me and go But if this has to be this way, no, I get the money and I pay the commission and because they come they work for you They were so long a lot of young comics and actors don't know this CAA works for your whoever WMI

They work for you. So the check comes to me and then I'll pay them the commission for setting up the gig I don't want not opposite. No, give me my fucking I and I have to have it I'm very I'm very like I love like when people contact me now again And you know a lot of people gonna listen to this and go Joe's a dick. No, I'm not a dick I'm gonna tell you this story When somebody calls you and says hey, I got a gig for your pace 500 And you take that gig and also you get home in your check bounces You got to go through a process when you have an agency

You just call the agent and go a to check bounce go do your job and hang up the phone and that agency will soon That agency will fucking get out of them. They won't they'll pull all the talent. Yeah, so now people call me No, hey, man, I got this gig for you pays this and I go you gotta call CAA and they're like in shock They're like, well, can't we do it off the books? I go nothing Nothing with me is off the books Everything runs to see a some guy approached me a month ago. I have a movie for you I can give you this amount I go go through CAA because I really didn't want to go through an agent Then I go you really not real. No, you're not real. You know CAA is not gonna play. No shit

They're not any agent coloring book Daniel Haas fucking innovative. I rather them go through them It's like if listen in my world I give you ten thousand dollars. You're gonna pick up a kilo if you get mugged on the way that Brendan as much as I love you That's on you. We got a set up a payment plan right now. That's my 10 G's. I well, you got beat up You big broke your arm next time bring new chucks. I don't know what the fuck to tell you Yeah, but that's my 10 G's which which I found out I have a I'm sure I can tell us to have a good buddy who's in the dark side of business And he got pinched and he was telling me I go you were talking about it and he goes

I'm in for let's say a million. He was I'm in for I'm I got pinched in for a million. I go Oh, not that big of deal. He was no, no So the government takes that right have to pay them a million But that stuff that I was responsible for that means I can make two million because I gotta give that I gotta Get that money back to these guys who I was pushing the ship for so it's gonna cost me two million So I had come up with something to get two million. I was like, damn you live a crazy life my mom So that's why you're stressed. Yeah, you're responsible. You know why Brendan because when I was really hungry I don't know how many times I came home and put a check in the bank

Went to fucking get a sandwich and the check bounce I can't tell you as a matter of fact to be honest here. It got to the point where I would tell people cash There's a fucking famous story And we're best friends now. Joe Malosh is Gabriel's manager. We're best friends. I love Joe Malosh Gabriel, uh, he plays manager. He's great. One of the best guys in the business And joe used to book bakersfield theaters and stuff And one night, you know, it was valentine's day joe calls me at five And he goes I got this gig somebody canceled. It's 500 bucks

Look 500 bucks in those days to me was how long goes this joint? This is 2001 There's my me and my girl's first valentine. So the deal was I said to her mom the phone at five I go, I'm gonna take the gig But when I get up there, it's five benjamin franklin's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I get up there I do the show this motherfucker gives me a check and I threw it back at him and this is when I was Me deep in the g-bow coke a day

I already called the drug dealer and told him I was coming up the way down with the balance of this check With the with the 500 cash. He went to give me a check and I threw it at him And I packed them I'd have they had all separators and the headliner goes forget it I'll give you the five out of my father's The headliner gave me the five and he kept the check and for a long time That was a running story and now we're best friends. I apologize I had to but that's how serious I was. I was to the point. Well, listen

Why you give me a check? Have you ever had any gigs where they just didn't pay you Joey when you're coming up? Obviously not now. Good luck with that now. Um, I had gigs where people try to run game Brendan I'm gonna give you 500 to do this theater and a plane ticket And then the theater is three quarters pack and When you get to the hotel you have to get I'll call you in the hotel room. I'll pay you then I have already your door knocks

And they open up the door and pretty soon they're telling you man. I gotta tell you what happened The radio money they wanted all their money up front. So I know I told you five I'm gonna give you four but I'll catch on the next one That was happening a lot like and that was tough to explain if it's tough to live with But I had no because I needed that 400 bucks. Yeah, you and then what happens is there's a day that you go. No I'm not taking those no more and you have to stick to your word Even if you're starving On even if you're hungry. I had a situation eight years ago

Right before I met Lee right before this whole thing started I was doing something I was doing a podcast with Felicia and I started getting a little bit of heat I was selling 100 tickets a show And I got a call from a guy one day and he goes, hey, I'll give you 200 bucks to come up and do this show When I get up there, he was charging 25 And I was the guy from the longest yard Oh, hell no and and the b.i.p. Greet me, you know And I'm like and I did it and on the way home. I go this guy pulled the quick one on me

So he called me three months later. He's like, let's do it again. We did great. I go. Yeah, you did great Now the dough now the dough is 80 percent of the door. This is before an agent anybody I was in no position to ask for 80 percent of the door. I go to 80 percent of the door And he goes, all right, I got to get back here. I got to talk to my partners So I talked to a friend of mine rick ramos and rick ramos goes, what did you tell that kid? He says you get a little bit too big for your britches And I didn't say nothing to the kid Well, once this revolution started I saw him at the store about three years ago

And I went up to him like a man. I go, hey, I haven't seen you know, I got five minutes I go, you remember when I did that gig for you for the small 200? Yeah, yeah I go remember one that you call me the next time and you said 80 percent of the door and you said I was getting too big for my britches I go, no, I wasn't getting big for my britches, but this was the result Yeah, that's what I was because I started turning down shitty gigs Because waiting, you know in 2007 there was a strike in this town I used to work on a movie once a month or a tv show people would just call you

Hey, what are you doing the mob right now? I got a scene. It's a jala. It's you and fucking Tony Soprano. It's two two minutes. I'll give you 800 dollars. I would do all those But then when the strike came I started getting youtube movies. Is that the rider strike you talked about? Yeah, which riders make the world go round by the way You know, there's nothing without them. Yeah, so there was a rider strike So when they came back a lot of work went away to different other countries like Canada started shooting and you know Virginia so got away from here. So every movie I shot from 2008 to 10 was a hundred dollar a day movie That means you got to bring your own clothes

Since it's a hundred dollar a day that you're a strip club owner You're not gonna let you shoot in the daytime So you got to go in there when they're closed at two in the morning Now you're up all night for what and you're just doing that to pay the bills at the time at the time I was doing that to supplement you got seven forms income You know, you got stand up. I had my stand up I had opening up for rogan and I had filming tv That was my

Stream of income. So I would get my own work I would open up for rogan from time to time and then I was doing movies And one day I go I went right over here to the no-hold dinosaur that took me out I want to do this with you and do this with you and it's a series a mini series And I who else is in this thing? They told me all these bums and losers that were in it The guy that was next to me was only in it because his brother-in-law was putting up the money That type of shit and I went home and I made a constant choice. I said, uh

I'm not doing those no more. You're done with it for a year. I kept getting calls And there were like 500 300 a thousand And I would go I'm not doing it and finally one day I got a call to do the stall on denaro movie and I go This is what happens when you stick to your guns. Yep. You have to Stick To your guns. Yeah, no, it's a powerful word Just so the listeners know too whenever especially with torque. He's been in the business so long Joey gives me more advice on touring and where to go where to say no than anyone I know why not because

I watch I've been I sat here and I watched 20,000 careers go down the tube And for all different various of reasons I saw careers go down because of drugs I saw a lot of careers down go down because of wrong management And I saw a lot of careers go down because of the hustle The shuffle is lisa yak. It's got a great 20 minutes He goes to the improv one night A certain agency and management see him. They get him a Montreal showcase

Lisa at Goes to Montreal. They give him a half million dollar deal. He's going to do a show. He's been doing comedy for three years What show is he going to give you? Yeah. Oh, I come from a Jewish house. My mother smacked me when I was four You know the show don't go we gets 250,000 after taxes and his commissions But now He I send them out for four things. He don't book them and guess what he ain't selling tickets So now you go to the bottom of the pile of the agency now It's Lee's decision on what he's going to do. Does he pack up and leave or does he push through and do stand up and forget about the tv show

Yeah, you know, there's they had those people for a while that were just putting you through a tomato grinder And these people out of all those and half million dollar deals A lot of them are gone down They were going to be stars because they got pushed through a thing My utmost respect for Joe Rogan isn't his podcast Isn't his mma skills is none of that shit when I got here in 98 and 97 and 98 and 99 Joe was on a show called I learned a lot from Joe Rogan. He was on the show called news radio

Huge hell by the way table read on tuesday blocking on wednesday blocking on thursday They shot on friday. The shoot started at six o'clock at night Joe Rogan's name would be on the list every one of those nights. He would go from mbc Straight to the fucking studio There was nights that You notice to shoot a tv show and then have to go do a $15 spot nightmare So when I saw that I learned a lot from Joe that a lot of people didn't learn No matter if you're in a tv show

You still got to flex that muscle Because those people that started with you so me brandon and lee started a month apart were goombas And we move here together and we're doing everything together. We got a house together You're your regular at the improv lee's at the lab factory. I'm at the comedy store lee gets a deal tv show for a year He looks down at us Your stiffs are still doing stand-up. Yeah All this and at the end of the year lee's tv goes show gets

Guess what? We're like charlie We're in the bush Yeah, we're in the bush like charlie. Yeah, you're out fucking around Remember when park was down? Yeah, he goes charlie's in the bush. You were too busy going to The will turn to hang out with mike. Yeah, this guy and you know, you didn't do stand-ups Now your tv show guts cancel and those two roommates are yours are a fucking Have a head of you

A head of head of you And but that's the the thing but a lot of comics too not this day and age but back especially From a while ago a lot of them we're doing stand-up to get movies and tv But now it's really not that way is it like no matter what let's say now that you would let's say you said something Ridiculous on here or on an interview on tv. You're doing press you say something outlandish They can't take stand-up away from they can't take this podcast way for me. They can't take nothing. There's nothing you can do You know itunes could ban you youtube could ban you for whether there's a will there's a way For you to get your message out or your voice out

Stand-up you never stop Stand-up is your three times a week four five six seven Because you're only gonna get better and better and comedy gets better your writing gets better You know the people that don't sell tickets today, you know, david tell us funny that he's ever been No, it's one of the greats if he was funny 20 years ago. Can you imagine what he's doing now? Yeah, louis ck those guys were when i was A feature act those guys were already headlining thinking about bill burr. He took him a while Then the philly bit comes out. I thought he wasn't big before that but that philly bit comes out and then just

But it's a time. It's time. It's just time. Yeah stand-up is like mma You know, you know, I know you shot a special. Yes, sir And I know you got a lot of shit from a lot of people, you know, you made me laugh with the special. I was very proud of you Thank you, sir I mean three years. Yeah, it's insane. So I told somebody I go i'm 56 years old What if tomorrow the ufc called me and said joey? We want you to fight deniseva Because nobody knows how old denisever is

We have no I got that guy. I mean, he's not around anymore, but that's a great rapper. He was a janitor in arschwitz Yeah, that's doing throwing spinning kicks down the hallway. They made him cloth They made him he was old enough to sweep the joint like Hitler was dead already You can tell like he did construction at arschwitz, you know, you ever talk to him. He's like that that he's All the way He's a nazi from you ever see when he got in trouble for having like the german nazi theme shirts Yeah, no shit. What'd you think he's doing? I think you jinxed him running. He's gonna say something crazy on the podcast today. Denisever's a nazi

He's not around and he's well documented. He's a great guy. He's a nazi. We don't know that Yeah, I know he has a great spinning kick When he fought, yeah, but when he spins kick he leaves the Hitler hand Did you ever see like some people used when you do a when you do a leg kick your momentum comes from the arm When he knows the thing think of his spinning kick, he opens up with his eye With his eye, which gives him the momentum to throw that spinning ball around that is powerful Oh, oh that motherfucker don't even have a birth certificate. It's just and then what do they give you the swat stick with the ssr or something like that

Let's say right now you call me up. We go listen. We don't know how old denisever is Just drop down to 265. We're gonna let you fight him He'll fight you at any weight, but you got to be 265. You can't be bigger than rory nelson You got to fight at 265 and You have six months to train. Yeah No smokers No ifl

You know, you were thrown into the weeds of debt my friend Oh, I that's my integrity and I love that about you that they picked you up one day and they said You're gonna overlap mc and feature and just start headlining Ah, it well, I can see how you think that joy, but it was a little different than that because Remember I was on the road with callan for four years. Okay, so so when most guys doing open mics I was doing 15 20 minutes. I mean you're talking For four years with brian callan opened up doing our live fighting the kids How are you feeling that on stage? I mean, it's all you know, it's a you're new but but that was in front

You know my first stand-up ever my open mic was in braille, Ontario. Sorry, Ontario 600 people sold out So that was my first open mic people asked your crowd. It's my crowd but 600 people expecting a show So yeah crowd for like two minutes. It's my crowd. Yeah at first like, oh, there's shop from the podcast We know how it is. That's fucking pivot after three minutes Yeah, that's guy from uh, you know entourage. Yeah, no, but they're there to laugh So after two three minutes, you gotta do your shit. So I was throwing in this training camp You know I'm saying this so my open mics were torn torn with count

TIG man, there's wing torn torn torn torn torn and then I do a live Find kid the comedy store and then they go, man We love you do a set in the belly room and then it just starts going from there Then I'm doing, you know shit spots in the belly room and laugh factor. I'm doing Armenian night stuff like that and then I think Three like two years into that and then uh, you're Armenian. No, but they thought I was I think that's why they invited Oh, you were training over there with Abu Dhabi and fucking the head movement with uh, yeah, yeah Ronda's yeah, yeah to to vorky and what the fuck it is. But then uh

And then driving uber by the way, that makes sense. He picked me up He's an uber comfort Yep, so I doing that and then uh Ari's show on this is not happening. I mean they had auditions or something At the comedy store and Justin was I was there. I was yeah, yeah, yeah, and yeah, thank you Yeah, I remember you're like, yeah, you're this is good And then I did that and then they went I remember Comedy Central whoever's running it because Ari was already out People think Ari was like, oh shot be on the show. That's not how it went. They had those auditions

It happened that one and then you you liked it. I remember Ari asked you to host, right? Right And then they went we like it, but it's just it's missing something So I kept working on work on it then they had another audition for it Did it then again? We like it. We like it. It's missing something and I'm trying to figure it out and burt kreischer I'm forever in debt to burt kreischer. I fucking love that guy with all my heart Bert uh has me on his podcast and then uh, some he said oh someone's telling about the story you did on This is not happening. Tell it to me. Just tell it to me. Don't just tell it to me how you're doing I tell him and then he's like, man, you ever thought about this or what if you put this here?

We've put this here. I went man, it's really I didn't think of it like that He was think I want you don't think of it as a bit think it was a story. It's after story. Yeah And then so took the notes from burp went back in the drawing board Call me store laugh factory improv bombing right people know who I am there bomb bombing and I get that final Uh, this is not happening. They'll there you go And then I got that then I got that and then just kept kept kept on keeping on them But all the all that stems is the the showtime special everything stem the the rock is that is that bit that I done This is not happening

Because I toured with that for whatever three and a half, you know four years. How is the Walk through the walk down the path to fighting compared to Shitting in the back waiting for your name to be called. Is there any comparisons to that feeling? Now are you going to get punched in the face now people people think there's gonna I mean you're talking fucking apples avocados, man I mean in the back I could train as hard as I want. I got all my fucking teas I'm I'm sorry dot my eyes crossed my teas. I'm ready to go

But the guys I'm fighting are world-class men those motherfuckers are pretty good So matter how good I am That guy might be better that night and I'm fucking terrified even though I'm in the best shape of my life I'm ready to go. We got the game plan. I do some things better than him. Shit happens in comedy I mean you got to try new shit and you're gonna bomb some nights But in comedy if you do it long enough you keep going keep going you're working on your work You can come up with 15 minutes that in general, you know that you get you pull that ace out of your fucking back pocket with any crowd It's gonna be pretty funny

In fighting, there's no that I'm not pulling. I'm gonna find a midget that went off on the bagel shop. Yeah Right now they want them to fight people like a little you in the face and tell the viewers for sure If you contacted me and offered me a million dollars to fight that midget I'd have to pay somebody 200 grand To push me down like I don't know how people do that. Uh that walk to the octagon Oh, it's the most terrifying thing joint in the world and that camera in front of me I would not picture this joey the fuck out like get that camera Joey picture this so

You're warming up in the back and I I was fortunate where I was fought. I guess fortunate, but I always had to wait So let's say it's a 7 p.m. Paper view all my fights were paper view at least Main slots I never went early So I had to sit in the back in my fucking joggers While you've seen guy come in after and then and then you can see him before going This is my moment to go get knocked the fuck out come back to the locker room and you're just like, oh man, all right And so you're waiting and then your coaches go All right, you're six fights away. Let's start warming up and then you start warming up. They wrap your hands

That's when you knew it's real And then what I would do I'd always I'd always look at the at the lineup And the two fights before me if they were smaller weight classes I'd know typically it's going to go to decision. So I get some time I got 30 minutes five minutes between each fight So I get about 45 minutes to warm up. I'm gonna be good if it's heavy weights middle weights or light heavy weights Better have your shit ready because it's something you get knocked out pretty fast So you don't you have no idea what's gonna happen. Wow

So I'd always like, okay, I better start warming up a little harder a little harder And they're just pacing back and forth and then you know, it's like what am I doing? God, what am I doing? This is awful. This awful and then Fire in the hole shabby are up And then you just you're walking it's just like and then it because it's his team there There's a huge black curtain. You're walking through the arena. It's so it's so lonely It's so fucking cold man And there's a black curtain and usually their team would be in front of me there

And they're all talking he's nervous pacing back and forth and then you're just there like, uh, here we go man Here we go. And then he walks out his song plays you hear him talking shit about knocking you out And then the black curtain closes and then the camera's in your face And then you're walk out music hits and then you start walking hit that crowd I would have a heart attack like I would I would probably when I'm like pressure's up right now Yeah, when I look at the lineup when I saw my name, I would call a friend and only Meet me around the back in 10 minutes, but I can't get in I don't give a fuck Tell them I had an emergency and I would tell coach coach. I gotta go to bed

Shit cut these hand things off. Oh, there's a fighter. I won't I won't say his name We had the same manager. I won't say his name Not that famous a fighter but fighter who before a fight went I don't want to do this And the coach was like, what the fuck you talking about? You have to do this and he goes now I'm good cut my fucking wraps off. They went you have to you signed up for this You have to do this. You went I don't want to do this. They talk him into it. He goes out there You know kind of just half-assed it and then got hit with the body and left But they were telling like if you don't go out there, you're you're ruined for the rest of your life

Your reputation of kids. You're just gonna be that bitch. You didn't go out there, man But that goes to everyone's I don't give a fuck who you're unless you're john jones Who's who's just a assassin or maybe con or someone or Nate Diaz or Jorge mazalov, but no It has to be fear. There's always gotta be a little fear But I don't think any one of them go because what I would do is when we're in the bus driving there and you're in traffic In, you know, I thought in new york in new jersey. I found anaheim and we go by these people I just stare out and think of everything I'd rather be doing I'd watch someone walk down the the street and I'd go

I would give any amount of money to be that person walked right now. I'm not gonna have to fucking do this Well, it blows my mind a lot of fighters talk about taking naps in the locker room before their fight Because you get drowsy because the the drill is so high and you don't sleep during the week. I get tired during stand-up Me too. I gotta do me too walk A secret Joey Diaz secret. Here we go. I do a four shot Expresso before I go to the comedy store

Four shot Cuban express. Oh, yeah, but that's isn't that a little bit different than Then you're about to go fight like I would think no wow fear is fear When I go to comic one, then you heard the story when I had to follow megan mooney Megan the cute girl that goes to the comedy store the writer from Bisbee and I went in there and I fucking got an anxiety attack. I went to Paulie. You did. Oh my god When was this Joey? 18 months ago. Wow. I get to the comedy store You know that little run up the fucking original room stairs. Yeah, I could do that 20 times even though I'm a fat fuck one day I'm in the back

Joey you're next. Okay I could walk. Hey, how you doing? Hey, it's a 10. How many steps from the kitchen to the fucking original room 10 7 15 7 and I walked up those steps and I got to the top steps my lungs closed I couldn't breathe I'm watching Megan mooney killing. I'm like fuck. I'm not good enough What if I bombed the fucking comedy store and I just started going off and I started breathing So I had a look around

And I saw the light coming from the outside by the door and then I looked and I could tell that the stairway That's what saved me the stairway. So Paulie is back there. So I go Paulie Paulie, you might have to go up there right now something's happening. I'm getting like a heart attack or anxiety and he goes What are you talking about bud? And I go Paulie Just go up there and he goes I already went up. I go you're the only one that's here And I'm about to have a fucking heart attack and I went up there And I blacked out pretty much for 12 minutes. Have you had has this happened before Joey? Never. What the fuck? And when I came out of it, I was up on stage

It looked like Las Vegas. There were bodies everywhere. It was one of the best sets I've ever had in my life. Amazing, man And what were you conscious of it while it was going on? No, I don't know about the light came on Interesting and I looked at them and they looked at me and they clapped and I go Thank you for coming out for coming up to the stage Such and such and when I walked off Paulie sure looked at me goes you should have anxiety sets Anxiety that's funny things more often. I want to grow in the next day and told them the truth. They go That's the first time I the anxiety Wow, that's crazy. I went to the doctor and I got the pills

The anxiety pills I keep them in my drug pops just in case you get one Have you ever had one doing like you that's the first one you've never had them before your shows? I had them lightly But nothing crazy to that extent the the only time I've been close that joy and I and I haven't been close to that but On what a Tuesday night Tuesday night at a spot in the belly room spot in the main room But spot in the belly room was 8 30 was and it was just new material night. That's whatever and then had a spot in the main room Uh, but not till 10 30. So I'm watching the other comics. Um, Tony rock went on just absolutely crushed and Sebastian's neck and then destroyed your

So it goes Tony rock Sebastian. That's supposed to be feel to close it out. I'm watching the show and uh, Tony's just killing I'm having such a good time and then sam and uh, someone else from comes to our counter go Hey Callan cancelled and seals run late. We need you to go on after Sebastian. We do we do three sets tonight And what you know, we need you to go on We have no one to go after Sebastian the the show's running short. So we need you to we need to extend it We need to do 15 minutes I'm like, oh, yeah, no in hell. Oh, yeah, no problem. But inside I'm like won't fucking Sebastian, man

Sebastian I gotta follow that motherfucker tonight, dude, and then I I go on the back Dude, I'm I'm sleepy talking about my hands were sweating It's tough to make me real. My hands were sweating. I was pacing the back. That's the closest I've Could feel my breathing was hindered and that was the first time I was like, oh I'm I'm at partial a little bit of anxiety right now partial a bit of anxiety. Oh, I get it all the time First night, that's why I like going in Thursday some times to cities So I get the big chunk of my anxiety going on Thursday My anxiety at the economy store

The reason somebody asked me that do you cancel much at the economy store and I go I force myself To go down there more For the anxiety beat just to deal with it than the yeah, so what I started doing you're gonna dial after When I was a kid, I had a coach that trained again. He was such a good strength Uh conditioning coach In 84 you could look him up his name is I rule if he went to the olympics as a trainer strength conditioning coach And throughout my high school. He never believed in Uh

Waits the way other people did he always believed in a 10 count on the way down You didn't do five sets of six bench presses with him You let's say you max 360 he would give you 300 and just do him at 10 20 seconds to uh Back up and down that's so hard and just do them until you max That's it. So so no Isolation exercises. It's rolling squatting

dead lifting Bench pressing I bet he was jacked And then he would get jacked the highest lifts. He gets jacked for six months Who later I found out he didn't win a v for recuperation But then what he would do is he would train for a marathon so he would run 26 miles to take the muscle off So this is what he did every year him every year and now you got to see him at 75 Could it be ira merchants? No, his name is ira wolf. Okay. R. A. W. O. L. F. M. Okay, ira merchants. Okay, I put wolf and didn't pop up. So, uh

I know a coach that does that stuff So the first three months he doesn't we want you to get formed So I've been doing it for a year now steady twice a week. You doing it twice a week I go to two different places because they give you two different flavors So I go to the squat machine would give me Fucking anxiety like you've never had before

Well, for sure when I put 400 on those racks and I got to do 10 seconds up and down big boy and they open up with it Because if you know anything about lifting you should open up with the squat because it opens everything up and releases all your teeth All the testosterone all the muscle building. Yeah, human. You can feel the warmth take over your body But you gotta open up with a heavy squat a couple stretches throw some punches and go into it And by the fourth one it would just be flying to fight response. Whatever that's called. Yeah, you really like I jujitsu I'm not gonna jujitsu. You know I go to jujitsu to get on the bottom. Sure. So somebody get on top of me So I don't panic. Yeah This is what I had to do to make my stand up better

Because my panic attack like especially when I went back to the store So wait a second. I got to go behind the lyza fucking Cindy woo Alley one. I got a follow. Crystallia. Yo, Sebastian monster. Yo rogan ron whiteman. I got to go up Fuck you. That was a different level of anxiety. And you know that rogan sits back there and watches you You know what I am joey, we all sit back. I don't need that shit I don't need that shit. So I this is so crazy that because because you're the guy. No one wants to follow

You have no idea So I'm in the back of my mind when I go to the store. I don't even put the radio on in the drive down There's no radio on on my drive. Yeah, maybe if you call me and go, can you give me a ride to the store? I'd like to but I'd rather not like him I'll give a ride to the store because I could talk to him about what I'm going through But most people, you know, you needlessly Yeah, I mean, you know, I honestly I used to go to the store with him a lot more reason in the last year or two I don't really go down with him. Oh, yeah

High level high level. So I had to attack it I had to attack the fight of flight response The other thing I do to tackle my flight of flight response Uh cryotherapy That's the best thing if you don't want to freak out The but you do the one with the head out. No, I go into the fucking closet. Yeah, that's the move first 30 seconds You have to feel you get forced to breathe how you're supposed to if you don't breathe Are you supposed to you fly out of that thing trouble? It's cold. But the only way you're doing how often

I do the Novelthor bed once a week and I do the cry out twice a week. God damn, Joey I go it's right down the corner. It's right down the block from the weed store So I go to the weed store first. I take a little cbd water I go over the cry of the cryo burns 800 calories. Yeah for three minutes You cannot fucking, you know, and you feel like a new man You know any time the novelthor bed I only do on the Lord's day on sunday Because it makes me sleep good on sunday night. But the thing

You know, I've taken people to that cryotherapy and they've run out of that I see people running out of that. I saw two lesbians last week. They were all happy. It's a beast. Yeah I ran out. We can't breathe in there because you lost your breathing in the beginning You have to go away here. You say this man with anxiety at the county. You have to so I had to do all these things To tackle my anxiety for stand-up if I want to take it to the level that I want You're at that level though, Joey Like if you if you I would imagine if you gave all the regulars at the comic store, you gave them a list Said who who's the most scariest person to follow? You're in the top three

Easily because of the easily because he is the secret You're like a fucking the energy cubing tidal wave the energy concept of it I am suffering so much inside And I have so much anxiety inside. I got two options. You unleash it. I could either go up dango Ah Or do my comedy So how does my comedy come out like a farm yellow? I take that mic I gotta fucking I'm going. There's no measuring with me. You suck them right in the mouth

You know, oh, he's he's he's measuring they love it when the audience booze. That's when you know, you're doing your job I got I got I'm at the comedy store. I'm following a beast and I got three bees behind me I told him the idea. I don't go to the comedy store to be the best comic. I go to the comedy store to be remembered Big difference preach because I'm giving you a sample. You only do the comedy store I don't see you at the impromptu laugh at you. No, because I only go to winkel john smith I only go to jackson smith And if I leave jackson smith, I'm going to at&t and I'm not going to go anywhere else from now After I did my netflix special

I realized that I was going to too many places that weren't drawing me out of me What do you mean, Joey? They weren't drawing who joey d is is I want to go to a place that brendan sharp comes out The brendan sharp wants to go up there and talk about masturbation and not feel like brendan sharp I want him to have that freedom The comedy store since it's home for me Right in your house, you'll jerk off anyway, right when your wife says she's going to rob No, you you're banging one out anywhere. The comedy store is where I am myself. She

What she preached was yourself to come out when you come here Oh, hey me yourself and you don't feel that at the impromptu laugh factor anywhere else I love the impromptu. The impromptu made me who I am. I started the dirty show at the impromptu laugh Is that where you started joey's the impromptu? Well, no, no, I'm a comedy store guy But no, I know the guy who put me on the map. He gave me a show monthly That's your next thing like what you're doing at the comedy store. Yeah start doing a show monthly And if you get bored and you don't want to come to the comedy store, you're close to Irvine Call everybody and go I want to do the fucking stinging king on Wednesday night by myself

And bring joey and lee and brian and give them all 200 and you keep the rest or whatever and So I what are we talking about? I had a just about why you only go to this Yeah, I'll say you see a home because it's home I go to the comedy store because let's let's take this back to an art. Let's take it back to MMA So everybody understands what I'm coming from metal sharpens metal. I don't want to spar. I'm not putting anybody down here I don't want to spar against denisever. I want to spar against john. You want john jones I want john jones every night every you want a john jones I don't give a fuck if john jones beats me up every day because I know in one year you're gonna get better

I'm gonna get a punch in on them You will you have no option but to get better I know one day at the gate at the gate before he closed that elbow I'm gonna get him on an uppercut and that's where it starts. Well, you have no option That's what your confidence is for now. Not only are you gonna have to cut the next goal I'm gonna have is I'm gonna get him on an uppercut and slip out of that thing and get back to fighting in the middle So I'm gonna take him back to the middle. So I'm not against my back So with the comedy store mitzi trained me to be a certain type of sniper

She trained me to be a killer mitzi sure trains you to be a killer Yeah, richard prive killers have come out of there. She wants the kennis's You know, that's the best man. There's a time. She wouldn't let rogan here in the main room I know she didn't want him to do a joke in the main room. She didn't pass jay sifo It would destroy it would destroy the joe rogan's out in a cold bed would destroy three comics My three comics couldn't follow him the audience got ruffled So she would only put joe in the original home. She wants killers

And I always want to perform like I'm performing in the original room I'll do the shows to sam and I'll do your shows And I really enjoy the main room because I've gotten better over the years in the main room But oh our job my what about the belly room? You'd fucking explode that place. I like it also, but guess what oh ours your shit. Um I want to be a jack jackson wink. Yeah, and that's it I got great friends at at&t I've got great friends in milwaukee. Yeah with uh rufus rufus. I've got great great friends a k a k a

I love you talking about the ice house Ice house is a k white k doesn't have the pizzazz they used anymore They got those guys got older up there now. Yeah, it could be bbc But they're all but not all could be could beb is the only really one But all I've always just got his jaw broken look back the modeling shoes not there anymore Right you went to Ralph Lauren. Yeah, he's you know, he's at uh, he's at uh, whatever the guy in florida, right? Yeah, Florida, but I when I got after I shot my netflix special I was so upset with myself. Why because I wasn't training properly

When I knock you out when I fight you Let's be honest here. Let me just throw one fight out When you fought no gara. Yeah, and you woke up And you were sitting on the mat you put your hand up and you look around and the doctor comes over And ask you are you okay? Are you thinking about pussy? Are you thinking about what happened? Or are you thinking about where you went wrong where I went wrong? Okay, 100 and it goes back to How many times at least tell me to cover my fucking What I threw right hand how many times they tell me to keep my fucking thing right here when I throw that little jab

And he told me to double it up But for some reason I doubled it up. You know what though he went this way And I went to chase him and I put my hand down and he caught me with that fucking left of his What you know, but you know that but when you're on the floor You're not thinking about the money. You're not thinking about your fucking wife or your kid You're thinking about what went wrong. How's this relate to your special Joey talk to me. How does it relate to my special? Yeah before I fucking trained for my special Instead of going to the store and following Whitney Cummings and Eliza and Ali Wong

I decided to go to the other rooms because I figured that the people who like me are gonna go to the commie store They're gonna laugh at whatever I have to say So I can't really judge my material from that. This is this is how fear works Fear works in mysterious ways fear will talk you out of shit If you let it if you let and I let it and I let it at The 26 year mark. Yeah, that's that's what's crazy. So who the fuck do you think you are at the 10 year mark? We're comedy at the 26 year mark of comedy. I realized how Much I let fear

talk me out of my game On that fucking flight that's southwest from From vegas to lax if I could have opened the door and jumped out without a parachute. I would have I mean if I was flying southwest because I fucked up. I knew where I did the things wrong I didn't jump enough rope. I didn't shadow box Instead of going to adi used to do jujitsu I went and worked the gi up at this place with a bunch of blue belts But why it what but why don't because it was just I was just fear

I was I was scared that if I would go down to the store I would have to follow rogan and then I would be off or you know when I got to the store I could not follow delir. He was unfollowable And every time I went down I had to follow delir wasn't as scared as I was when I was to have to follow Damarera or paul mooney But it was real scary. So I had a I can't change My material delir. So I got a flow off his energy. You gotta be joey. You have to be joey But with crystal lia's energy and then turn into joey

So I have to go like if you have if you follow I lived on a dead end street He had no fire hydrants If he kills it that type of material, I'm gonna go up there and become him for 30 seconds I'm gonna ride on his energy So I'm gonna go up there and keep it low also. How you doing? Let's keep it going one more time for brendan sharp Some guy called me a spic yesterday. Let me tell you what then you're going and then you go But the first 30 I want them to feel like nothing changed

When brendan destroys the room where there's bodies everywhere And I go on stage and I go, let's keep it going for brendan. He did a great job. You just lost. Yeah You just lost go brendan. Go fuck yourself. Take the train to lax You know what I'm saying? You got to go up there like fuck brendan. Yep. Not fuck brendan. He's my brother, but That's your mentality. That's your mentality is I got away from that. I got became a pussy. How joey You've been doing this so long. I got scared. I got a daughter I got mouths to feed and I You know, you got justin you got your agents you got your managers

You have all this and I'm not gonna say the word pressure because I don't fold the pressure you have You are thinking about the other people in your life. You're doing stuff for them Instead of being a stand up bitch. It's you a microphone a brick wall That's it. You ever seen people who do speeches and you got eight movies behind them They got eight white dudes a black guy in mexican I don't ever want to stand behind a president or politician. You ever see those assholes look like ass It was a fire today in calabasas. Yeah, there's eight white guys behind and then the token black So they don't call black guy. Yeah, like

That don't exist in our world So I was putting myself in the sphere and I'm not badmouthing anybody but I was going to flappers I was going to the haha I was going to the improv and I was adjusting to their style in the room I had a guest here last night. We came over in a smoke spot. She's a dear friend of mine I explained to her. She goes, what happened? Is she a comic? Yeah, and I told her I said, this is what happened to me I would go to the flappers

And instead of them making me close they would put me in front of lee I can't go. What do I get? What do I gain by going up and blowing up flappers need a pressure lee's been waiting three months with his spot They did that to you Someone like me like somebody like me a girl that brought everybody from work. Oh, no You know I'm going to chow without it going up there. She's gonna follow Joey Diaz And before I go up there. She comes up to me. She's like, this is the third time I've been on stage

With you and I'm looking at her like I have a daughter Someday my my daughter doesn't do comedy does she need a gorilla to go up and embarrass her in front of everybody So I would go up there and do material that was For flappers I would go to the ha ha and do ha ha material because you're a good person I would go to I would go to you know, I would go Do you know that the uh two weeks ago was the first time I ever ran the light the comics for the 21 minutes and 22 years Really first time I ever right now. You have to get off early. You have to have respect for other comics

Have to and so I don't like that. It doesn't do me any right by me I don't fuck that man. Whoa, if you talk shit Then I'm gonna go up there and sizzle your motherfucker world then I could sizzle your world But if you don't the comic store is my fucking Jackson wink. Yeah, you can that's basically it And I want to and anywhere I go. I want to fight how I do it Jackson wink When I go to Milwaukee, I got a spar with Uh, the x-champ tyrant. No

Pettis pettis. I got a spar with pettis. I got spettis pettis by a hundred pounds I got a spar a little different so you can take a little lighter Because you can take certain shots Right, you don't have to be on point because at the comic store you get knocked the fuck out I want to be you're not getting knocked out anywhere else. I don't want to get knocked out no more So I got to go to the economy store because at the end of the day metal Sharpens metal You want to be the best you gotta go get beat up every day. Well, you gotta be a you gotta swim

If I should take you to autos right now. I told jitsu. I don't know what belt you are I don't know how shape you form the u.s. See there's a blue belt that autos is going to tie your shit up Spider guard. Yeah, he's gonna put this arm here and this arm here and and whatever so for a year You know, you have to eat shit. You know, did you listen to jazz on that con rogan? um Three years I didn't between specials Yeah, he says every three years three years one In the store

One at the club and one year at theaters. Yeah, so he told he tours to get the full effect Then he does on the road and he does theaters and then what after this theater shoots a special shoots a special He's a fucking assassin. Now. He's a guy that can shoot a special every 18 months and get him for a good penny He's an assassin, but he's smart and he knows he's in here for the long journey And where were you at you think every three are you with jazz on it done three years? I think it should be every three years two years to shoot a special think about it Think about it. How many jokes you've done have said And then a year later now that joke is 20 minutes and you already use 10 minutes of it on the special

And you got 30 more that now are really really good. You know, you don't know where this joke is gonna go How many times have you written a joke tried it four times? Doesn't work. Oh, it's not goes away But then something happens you add two and now you add that four now you got seven So write the fucking thing down and and you know, so comedy is very complex But the fear of comedy got so much me before that's crazy. You said that Joey 26 years I live on fear. I'm motivated by fear. I like being scared I do my best work when I'm minus 400

That's why I do my bad. I don't like being a favorite. I've never been a good favorite. I fall apart at the seams You make me an underdog. I'm gonna fuck you up. I'll figure out a way to fuck you up because that's why I am an underdog So I always want to go in there minus when you know, we had Jordan Belfort the near the other day Have you looked at his wikipedia? Have you seen his wikipedia underneath this is uh, you know, everybody, uh, uh, celebrity How much you money you work network celebrity net worth it says minus a million dollars Print it up show Minus that means that motherfucker's gonna be doing his word best work the rest of 100 percent because he's minus

What do you got to lose? I'm not gonna lose but I didn't think like your netflix special was a loss I don't think it suffered. I I mean Yeah, it was it wasn't bad But it wasn't joey ds Sorry charlie and neither was siso Wasn't joey ds That's because you're a great joey and anybody who knows me from the store knows that That's not joey ds. It was yeah, you're right. I'm impressed. Jesus. That's a lot worse than he thinks

So you're just gonna take ownership now. You have to take ownership if you don't you'll never grow You'll never ever ever grow if you don't take ownership because you could I mean even joe rogan like His specials on netflix, but you know, he controls it all Look what he's minus a hundred million So I'm fucked with it I don't know. Oh my god, joey. I haven't paid rent in three months Let me show you this a hundred that worth. He's minus a hundred million dollars. That's what just 56. No No, he's the wolf of wall street. He's the wolf of wall street guy. Oh, shit

He has restitution. He's a hundred minus a hundred million Okay, you can't nobody's come back from that But he does his best work now at minus. Yeah That's gonna take a while to pay off. But like with with rogan on netflix There's certain guys that like a rogan or a chappelle where netflix is the distribute distributor, but Rogan control everything. He edits it. He doesn't own it. He can't own it from netflix, but he edits it He's he watches and then sends him go. This is the final product. There you go, man I'm shooting four of them. I'm shooting five of them. Here's the final product. I edited mine with netflix. They're very good

I sent them notes. They were very good. They accommodated me as much as possible I just didn't like what had happened. I like netflix. I love netflix. No, it's a joey thing Nothing against netflix. It's a joey thing. Yeah, and I know for a fact. I don't want to do an hour I'd like to keep it at 25 minutes my next whatever I do and I'm in no rush right now I barely got a good 50 minutes right now say 15 or 50 50 So before I shoot anything, I want to know the 50. Yeah I'm fucking around with that's lurking and they can chop it and you know, no, I don't want to shoot the hour 50 I want to know I'm saying you have to but then you cut the best two hours to 25

You take the best bits. I'm gonna do 50 and then add 50 ready for you So we're gonna get rid of that 50 and I'm already I'm not gonna go through that. Yes. I'm not gonna go back out there Saying the same jokes are starting from scratch. No way. So that's what I want to do What I wanted to talk to you about before I get you out of here The other night when you and I and Adam in the comic store, the talent booker Had a great we had a great conversation and I tell people all the time I go I'm gonna tell you something. I don't know much about what Joe Rogan talks about or man or moon, but I know how

Comedy works a little bit for where my real Expert tea, I know a little bit about gambling and a lot of read lines But my real expertise is if you ever get arrested Call me get a phd and I'll do the whole thing for you. I'll get the I'll get you the three attorneys or rotate them We'll fly a one, you know, whatever be involved. You and I were talking about Epstein First of all, Adam bought up Epstein. We're talking about it and you called it to I had to tweet out last night I saw that shit. I went holy fuck to a tee when you were talking about Epstein Like what the fuck is he gonna do?

He went, oh, he'll try and off himself or something to try kill him before he even gets the trial Right now. Come on. Bill in there show enough Joey called somebody beat him to a tee beat him for oh really an ex cop. That's an under jail beat him You can't commit suicide in there because they got a camera in there Look, there's a guy that shot the Gambino boss in a jail in New Jersey 20 years ago, they would have brought him out of a body bag, but now they have They put you in the cell with a camera So nothing's gonna happen. I could only get to you on the transfer

Or I could get to you on your destination or if they want someone to get to you, right? Like a whitey boulder situation like a whitey boat whitey boulder situation, you know, like that, but there's no cameras Yeah, there's got to be no cameras. So they'll wait for you to get to the destination They'll sit tight like the Gambino's right now. They're like we can't do them. Why would we? He ain't worth the wait. Yeah, wait till we get it because there's always somebody trying to make a name in there You know, if I know Brendon's in Attica And I know the rat that ratted on Brendon. Even if I don't know Brendon, I'm gonna stab this motherfucker I'm gonna note the Brendon down. Yo, yeah, I'm over here in Ordway

And I got your back dog. So you get out. Don't forget who did this fucking. Yeah, and I don't even take the eight-year charge in prison I'm already there. They're just gonna add it to my sentence They're not gonna give you so with that with Epstein someone gotta hold them just beat the fuck out of something supposedly somebody beat them First like threw four punches and they got broken up And then they put them in a jail cell and they found them unconscious and he tried but the problem with Epstein is he knows With the bodies ahead See when he would have those parties he would tape He would tape them. They said a bunch of people a bunch of people

So they tried to burn the island the other day now. I always tell people lesson number one about hustling Because I'm coming at you as a thief now. Yes If you want somebody to find something don't put it in your safe So if I kick Brendon's door down one night, I put a silencer to your head And I go, I know you got a half million dollars here You're really gonna have 37 and you're safe And I'll leave you alone. Yeah, but you're gonna have a half a million dollars in the ceiling somewhere So you're gonna spot money in different places. So

Yeah, if he's smart and he is very smart very smart He put a couple tapes in there of him fucking 30 year old pigs whatever Getting his dick sucked and probably some other famous people doing it too, but not really the famous people. He's got those tapes hidden He knew this day was coming. He prepared. Oh, he knows And he knew with trump getting elected that because trump went up against him like in 2003 Trump testified against him to the fbi. I heard he did something at the trump party. It's like I told rogan What if I go to Brendon's house from there and Brendon opens up the door and I'm fucking a 16 year old Brendon's not gonna get mad at me. Please don't pull me aside after wearing good dog. Listen, my wife knows

I'll never come to my house ever again. You can't do that in my house, you know, so Uh Something like that similar happening. I have a friend in new york. That's a cop He was telling me the political angle. I don't care. I just know one thing. I saw pictures of all those Be I read an article time Where he had all those people at his summer home Plus the guy from the guy that gives law advice. You call it to a fucking tea. That's what you call to it So dead men don't tell tales. I got peace so bad joey. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go real quick

Why you go pee? Thank you for reminding me. All right. Well, my boy, uh, Brendon's in the bathroom. I'm gonna read a little something to you guys Just let you know what's crack or lacking the church is sponsored by policy genius. I'm welcoming them Listen, like I told you in the beginning of the show part of adulthood is having to do things you really don't want to do All right, but another part of adulthood is learning to delegate What you hate and why you can't delegate a visit to the in-laws and stuff like that You could delegate shopping for insurance Policy genius is the easy way to shop for life insurance online in just two minutes. Listen two minutes

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Even just doing the the mere act of doing an hour It's a it's a lot of fucking like like no matter a specialist in that like just doing an hour But the thing is hard to need to worry about now. So that's I don't worry about fear. I can't control What are you guys talking about? He's talking about that. He's he's fearful doing an hour. You got belly 20 hour So I'm saying like the fact that you were able to do an hour the fear the fucking that's The fear is going down there

The fear is what happens in between. Well, how often are you getting up every day? I do I do it a lot. I do it every day But I'm I'm doing a lot of shorter five minute sets and the longest that I did I did the couple weeks ago I did 27 but like that's what I'm fearful about it Like I'll get I'm not I don't get to do like those really cool rooms a lot of times sometimes I do But what what I'm fearful about now is when someone calls me and says we want you to do 25 Like because that's like every joke I've ever written like so to me

seeing people someone like you who's Headlining every week doing two hours a night Like you just even the fact that you can fill that time Because you have to fill that time that like that's a a complex like Scary to me in an accomplishment. Like that's where I get nervous Is just filling the time I need to fill no, don't worry about the time You just go up there and start this time to go up at the comedy store and I got 18 minutes I do two jokes and the light turns blue. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck just happened

Especially this new shit, you know. Yeah, it's it's a real fucking struggle. Yeah, but no I don't think I think that they'll kill him before the trial because I've seen his ace in the pocket It's gonna be what he's gotten those waltz what he's got hidden somewhere the broad The broad that was booking the chicks for him's got to disappear Well, they say now like there's a ton of people and start coming out snitching on them There's a ton of people and put like he had orgies or like 14 underage girls and shit on the island Now they got the workers snitching on them. You're like there was young girls, you know topless. We're never comfortable with it Yeah, it's uh, it's gonna this is gonna be very very interesting

So he survived now now. They got him in real solitary With somebody checking them every 15 minutes It's not nothing could be done to him. You know I'm saying they tapped all his phones I mean, this is the people that are looking to get them isn't the mafia. It's not a guy named joy bananas It's not a guy named It's heavy-duty people. I don't want their name. Yeah some real people with Families and legitimate career have a lot to lose a lot to lose So that's why I knew he would not make there's no way he's not gonna write a book

No, he's not gonna do nothing nothing nothing the only one who's happy as fuck right now is harvey weinstein he's been throwing parties and Fuck it He's been as happy as fuck and then we compared his case to harvey. You don't even hear about harvey no more never Harvey planned this just he played them like a fiddle He played the harvests challenge like a film because he worked the system. There's a way to work the system Brendan and it's Really weird like people think that you need oh you need money to play the system

No, you don't you just need to think you just need Something of value that they need like when I got locked up. I didn't have any money But I played that fucking system jack for everything I had I fucking made contacts before I got locked in I made contact I reached out to people that had been at that prison that had been at that prison Told me everything about the thing what guards would take money Jesus worked on the way here. I was thinking about a guard at camp george west where I was at

That he would monitor the laundry area And you could tell him don't go there from 10 to 11 give him like 25 bucks That's it 25 50 bucks Don't go there from 10 to 11, and he wouldn't check and we would play cards or we would play dice or Like we know somebody we're gonna fuck somebody out. Did you see that showtime series the uh, dana more those two Yeah, yeah, I got hired that I think they offered me that you don't want to do it The one the best series ever seen brother These are the total they want to do it dog because you know what you shot Canada at the canadian border

The canadian border so you needed to fly into canada and then drive three hours. Nah, the hotel was a motel hotel lagrand There's nothing out to this prison. Yeah, they shot at that. I'm all they shot it at dana more So when you shoot at all those those little cities in new york, there ain't shit out there They don't have nothing gas station nightmare. They do that for a reason So all the hotels in the chute were an hour. So that means you already in the car two hours Oh, yeah wake up how early they started Gold and it shot september 14th through february 3rd, which meant

By october snowing up there In september, it's already 30 right in september. It's already 30 By december you got heat on and it's fucking freezing. You ever do the old, but no the old bananas in Not not nyak. There's another town up there. I've done buffalo in the winter Buffalo in the winter, but they have another town up to that bananas used to have two clubs banana had Uh, have you done bananas yet right across from the fort lee bridge going into new york bananas is he owned by helium But bananas had that one another one and i'm totally a thousand times this one There was just a gas station

That's it Just a gas station there was a hotel and a gas station and that was your life For three days and that's why you didn't want to do that danimora and they put you in the basement So even with the heat at 90 You'd be freezing in that whole tyroom. No, no, I didn't want to do danimora because the truth. All right You want to know the truth? Yeah, the truth was it was 8 000 a week So after two taxes new york and la taxes. What's that? Two commissions. How many weeks are you where you're gonna be there?

They wanted me in there for fucking eight weeks and guess what the dude who took the role They only he only showed them he's when they got lit on fire or something. Oh, yeah That was the role they wanted me. No, no the guy that asked you for toothbrush Uh, what do you want? Let me get two toothbrush. Let me get a comb. Oh, yeah I would give them to you. Yeah, that's and I met with ben stiller They just and call really ben stiller wants to meet me on the sunday. I met him in hollywood. Oh, damn That's cool. I did the whole thing that they made the oven I

That's was that yeah, they ran after everything two commissions and taxes That's three To be away from my wife. Oh, there's no fucking eight hours Not a chance you got a drive to buffy and then take another connecting flight from buffy to chicago and then come here and It just didn't work out the numbers just weren't without imagine if you told ben stiller white couldn't do it But I get it like like he's a real artist, you know, no, I gave them a I gave them a legit Like I just was complicated. But he I'm sure even if if he let's say you heard this podcast He'd be like, I get it. No, there's a million. I did this in hollywood. Yeah, I'm saying like there's a million people you could

Choose from it's just It's so funny people contact me from movies all the time The problem is They're not worth it to me. No the math doesn't add up. It's not about the money. I love the projects But I got a podcast I got a wife. I got a daughter. Yes, that daughter has to fucking do Certain things and my wife can't do it all from Monday to Thursday You know, I did it for the Sopranos for the three weeks and it was tight

It was remember, I called you had to do pot. I had to do that podcast on eight days I had to do 20 fucking things to be gone for three weeks. You just can't leave the podcast alone and not give them something So when I go away from well, and then they don't shoot nothing here no more because they don't give them a fucking tax break Even sam trippley shot a tv show in new york and long island Yeah, it was not when I was in new york sam trippley was the studio with me I was in whatever and sam tipley was in montauk All the way at the end. Theo was at carolines and me and trippley made plans to meet theo and trippley called me goes bro I'm two hours out of new york's. I go you didn't know that

Why'd you think you were 10 minutes? You're in montauk. He was at the tip. I slipped He was all the way the fuck out there because now a lot of shootings in atlanta, Vancouver china, I can't go to Canada I can't leave the country For a while there they were offering me every movie here in 2005 For a year everything you auditioned for you were shooting in romania And I would just not even show up like i'm not going to romania I would ask for the quality production company and ask them if they're gonna shoot any scenes here

From 2000 to 2005 Everything was shot in romania I heard some crazy stories about people going over there the hotels you could order hookers The hookers are right downstairs at the hotels. You've ordered like red service pizza They got a menu in your room and you order the hookers and they build your room. What sounds fantastic I heard craziness about well, I'll shoot a movie in romania No, you're not Fucking hours, what do you got going on my brother?

Uh, i'm on the road ben. I'm on uh, i'm in nashville next week thursday friday saturday zany's one of my favorite clubs National great club great club and then after i'm in uh, portland helium portland another great club They got tater tots the best with fucking ranch dressing and i don't eat ranch, but they put spice What's that japanese shit? They put sriracha sriracha to have a sriracha mayonnaise or something Fucking i remember one day i was doing pictures at helium portland I kept looking and a waitress put fucking potato tots down and shit that were going to a table She goes i'm gonna leave these here for one second the best i gotta bring drinks to another thing Dog i started eating them like uber eats, you know when you order uber eats and you think your pizza's fresh

And that fucking little mexicans been eating pepperonis off your pizza With his little his little fence fingers all over your fucking Those little fence fingers all over your fucking sets. Fuck that. We're all sorry Uh, so nashville next week portland after that then i'm in houston dember. You're beautiful But when are you gonna go to denver? I'm in dember uh, september hometown and then how many works downtown How's it feel to go back to denver for you now? Um, i've mixed feelings Yeah, it's home. So i you know, i once bought any up for tickets and it's just You know, it's easier when it's not a uh the home

You know, like when it whenever i fight at home, there's always more pressure Terrible Everyone's in you up for tickets. You want to do it, but you can't you want to do what you see a million people You're only there for three days, but yet your shows and it's just it's a beast when donald seroni fought at home Two or three fights ago i've met against him Yeah, and he lost because i know i was at all at home I fucking hate hate it when i go to certain clubs because i mean i can't shouldn't say this but Like i'm going to book out an expo that sold out. It's fucking sold out on the site

And my friends are still calling. I know is there any way you got is there any tickets? Is there a time? I'm not taking master bow. I don't want to deal with it You know, and you don't mind giving away free tickets, but that coin you have 430. I know i'm friday I know and you're home I know and they're calling and calling and calling you feel like a douchebag But you don't because they don't know that's what I think for fighters Fighting at home. It's a lot of fucking pressure night man. I don't like everyone wants to get same same on the road Say i'm doing stand-up everyone wants tickets. Good problem. I'm gonna do denman this year

October 12th and then next year i'm taking it to bolder old school wants to you do Many saints and newer comes out i'm doing the bolder theater God i'd love to do that right down down by pro street once and for all not bolder But maybe the fox the fox is on pro theater fox on yeah, that's the one i'm doing I saw the papines that my thoughts are there and i saw charo crow there god damn no i saw sure how big is it My thousand it's not bad. It's gonna be i'd love to do that. I want to call us there I went to see charo crow at the bolder theater before when she was doing the damn before

The album The album had just come out all i want to do is have some fun And she i don't think it was the fox she did something and she was the opening act Oh, damn and the next time she came back she came back to the fox and she was the mother fucking headliner Love it. Where'd you grow up? Arvada? Uh aurora aurora You miss it. No, hell no, you don't miss colorado at all. Nothing about it Nothing i miss it

But i missed the old colorado. I don't miss it. Have you one last time went? Denver's a crazy man 25,000 people move there a month. It's booming real estate expensive 25,000 and it's got the highest emergency room visits in the country From all the tourists that go there in that high out trying to hike and shit I can try to hike and try to fucking eat in edible mind your business when you go to I remember the first time I went to Denver. I was ready to pop an edible. I went I forgot i'm in high altitude super hot. You know the first time I took a bong hit I fell over and broke my head and asked in colorado. Yeah, damn and they kept saying don't do it

And i'm like step out of new york city. I'm from salami. I'm from sanatraville If you could do it say you can do it anywhere. Yeah, I took that bong and I hit it next thing. No, they had ice on my head Always a pleasure mr. Shot. I love you man. Thank you very much I will be the bogata so God, but i'll be at the lincoln motherfucking theater the night before In washington dc and then texas i'm coming slinging dick and giving out kalachi's september 13th the In dallas at the fucking majestic theater and september 14 one of those dates around there

I'll just give you the the the the fucking theater and the other ones at the astec theater, all right And san antony. I love you guys have a great weekend. Sorry. We're late with the podcast But fucking you guys weren't doing nothing with your fucking world anyway. I love you guys. Thank you very much for support Thank you for supporting brendan myself and the christ killer and now for a word from our sponsors All right. I want to thank my man brendan sharp. I want to thank my man The christ killer, but most importantly. I want to thank you guys for listening I also want to thank vencero watches. Why because they're the best of the best of the best value low price

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ero watches dot com promo code church ch u r c h And i'm going to give you 15 off and free shipping worldwide I want to thank all you guys all week. I want to thank vencero. I want to thank Policy genius. I want to thank zipper crew that I want to thank dollar shave club I want to thank I mean listen all you guys are part of the family. I want to thank express vpn I want to thank cbd lyon But most importantly, I want to thank the church family for always having my back

Don't forget We got the link in theta August whatever the hell it is ninth I don't know the night before the book got the book got us sold out That's all you need to know dallas and san antonio. I'll see you savages in september beside that I'll see you motherfuckers tip top magoo Brighten early monday morning That's it and that's that have a great weekend to remember

If this weekend ain't working for you next weekend's gonna be a better week. I love you uncle joey d is here stay black Kick this fucking mule Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

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