Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #705 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Whitney Cummings, a stand up comedian, author, and creator of "2 Broke Girls" and "Whitney, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  Whitney's new special, "Can I Touch It?" will be streaming on Netflix July 30, 2019.  This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

greetings from podcastville it's Monday July 29th get your motherfucking shit together after year is over and you're still sitting there fucking waiting for your cousin to get you he's gonna give me a job go fuck you and your cousin the church what's happened now is brought to you by CBD lion calm listen to me no more liquor store fucking CBD's you go into a fucking record store they got CDs CBD's and what do you expect you're buying what do you think you're fucking by you're buying shit that's what you're buying listen Uncle Joey's here to tell you the way to go is CBD lion you're lucky you motherfuckers got me and I

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mule Lee Monday morning mother fuckers when I'm pulling out today are you fucking kidding me or what oh yeah Monday the 29th of July cock suck is this is your new thing if you're on what's the thing where you get sex this is your new catchphrase you're ready this is it right here sitting at home with my dick come hard I got the black book for my freak to call that's it Whitney Cummings the Christ killer Uncle Joey baby you down with it I arrived at a house

got on the door not having no idea what the night had to store I'm like a dog and eat a freak without warning my appetite for sex goes me so on Monday morning cock suckers Whitney Cummings here's the deal with the wedding you're the fucking best okay I've been following weddings for you yeah I love because well okay let's take it back to my favorite wedding of all time is the godfather yeah that's a wedding your father you dance or your friends tons of food you invite a singer to sing whatever the kids and that's a wedding but that's not gonna happen no more no in this country so what are you gonna do I don't know what was the fat black chick from the view they got married the first one a chair shepherd no one

got married over open looking motherfucker got married pigeons every all the black people had a dressed in white he was fucking him he was fucking the janitor you know the whole time that was a different one there was one before that did that so the more money you spend on your wedding the more likely that you are going to yep I don't want to see you kissing no star Jones solid Joe spent eight million dollars lawyer right yes like she spent a million dollars on a wedding what are you trying to prove you can see Joe Mambo listen to your relatives bomb with their shitty speeches and then it's a lot everybody had dressed in white and they released a hundred pigeons those weddings I give me evil and gory and the black

dude from the San Antonio Spurs got married on a ranch and they shot grenades what are you trying to prove yeah yeah it's a lot man you don't want you got three friends you owe it to yeah that would be heartbroken if they didn't go your mom your grandmother yeah you know I was you from the nation's capital I would get married the nation's capital really easy the white house on the lawn that's too faggy a little bit more class what are the flowers the trees no cherry you know tribe blossom so I got married on a Wednesday my reasoning for this because I don't want to have to have my friends are all comics I don't want them to have to travel they're one weekend off don't don't make nobody travel yeah you don't want to do it to me but we do we travel

too much I want to do it so comics can just go home as a matter of fact fuck comics I just told you that you're my only friend you got three girl female comic yeah you got Chelsea you got another one yeah friends or maybe any girlfriends from high school yeah your parents your grandparents this guy his fucking parents and nobody needs to know nothing yeah everyone's dead though I don't want to take a picture you know I don't want to see the picture you want to picture the truth preparing me for the fact that you're not coming to my wedding no no this feels like an elaborate you really want the pictures from your wedding and people magazine tell me the truth if they pay money I would do it if they remain to cover your spread I'm mercenary like what was the what

didn't I don't have to marry the dude they gave a million dollars and she divorced a dude he lost his MBA career the little faggy white dude that's like everyone Chris yes Humphries yeah oh yeah I'll fucking for a million bucks I'll do anything I'll do literally anything like she married him but somebody paid for the wedding off the books they had the first crack at the wedding oh yeah you get the rights to the photos I'm not that famous but if if they paid money for photos I'd get we give them away for free on Instagram why not get money for them but they did the wedding for that reason and you didn't have the wedding on the reality show also it was films for the show they needed a finale you know I looked at it the first time I got married it was great but where was it

Boulder oh gorgeous I got married in Boulder where I had a hotel a real nice hotel by Chautauk with a whole thing but the problem was like a real buddy from Jersey came and it was the day that Colorado played Nebraska oh in Colorado you know rule number one take notes don't get married during baseball season if you want people to go okay that's real that is actually fucking great advice that rule number one don't get married don't feel no one's giving me that don't get married during the Yankee Red Sox weekend no bad idea people gonna come to your wedding and they're gonna be on the phones yeah say you look beautiful and then you're gonna do what my friends did is there a bar yeah over there is there a TV no guess what my gorilla buddy did he

coked up out of his mind in front of my in-laws took the fucking bellman gave him a yardstick made him go to fucking Home Depot and get an extension for it and he went upstairs rented a room brought the TV down to the fucking table at the wedding and connected it and me and my buddies watching Nebraska Colorado with half the wedding and she's dancing you know dancing little girl nobody gave a fuck let me give a fuck about that he's little girl the score is 1313 you got a cover by three that's all i'm worried about that's so i don't give a fucking what day of a week the week to say saturday saturday no college football saturday so you're fucked if Ohio State's playing what you know yeah duke duke or one of anybody you know any of those

mother fuckers you're done what about sundays that's nfl that's nfl what time is that why you do all day all day all day you do a nighttime way everyone's wasted no everyone's fucking wasted and angry and i remember more women get beat up on sunday that's right after the nfl because they walk in the front of the tv you don't want to get married he bet pittsburgh machine i don't want to get my ass kicked on my nothing day no i don't you don't want that so okay so what what months do i have available to get married june december or april may and june because it's not in the dc area right i don't think i don't have any there's nothing left for me in dc and fuck dc because i don't want all my friends to have to go there yeah we'll do it and we'll do it sportsman's lodge

no i'm kidding that was one of the first places i did stand up with sportsman's there used to be a friday at saturday open mic show is there and it was outside on a patio so you do something still there you'd have to time your jokes in between cars is driving by so you'd have to get your punchline on the red light sand and barbara gorgeous overpriced a little bit to me i still don't gotta pay for a plane ticket to be out that's right you can drive and you can drive home that night who would come home they got a fucking restaurant next to the you're gonna cater it from the italian restaurant there's one underneath the best western hotel it's best italian restaurant town they give you a lasagna with a meatball in the middle oh they got the spaghetti with the ink

the squid squid ink in it what's it called i forget the name of the restaurant santa barbara people like oh hi people really like but it caught on fire a friend of mine had to move her whole wedding because it caught on all right then we go orange county that's not a bad idea la joya everyone could go to spots after i said orange county i didn't say la joya nobody could do spots that's what maybe la joya and we can have a show that night in comics all the addicts that need to go fucking get on stage no it's your wedding don't come here if you want to do comedy go fuck your mother i'm not let's go fuck your mother okay i'm not a big wedding person i'm me neither i'm just i don't get it special day i wouldn't want to come up to

you at seven and go i gotta go i gotta six year old i gotta go i feel like it's gonna be like a roast where everyone gets to get up and like a party no why not why not or do it during the day so people can bring their kids listen to what i did what did my wife i which one the denver one second one which was here yeah the second one i did here i went to wilsh's little chapel oh right on wilsh and lebrer they make it look like the plain patrick's seat i've seen it they have i don't even know your parents don't even know they'll think you're like oh my god she's nittley yeah it'll be good you walk in you get your friends we went from there how many people yeah maybe four i had a good little girl who my wife went to see today she's 12 or 13 was a flower girl

and uh we got married down there and then we had the reception at the hollywood bowl because my wife worked at the hollywood bowl so they gave her the house this is a special house where the bands could sit in oh shit a lot of people don't know that right never heard it i had it there i got simplicity pastrami from langus with the fucking bread so there's no bullshit no wolfgang puck none of that i got fried chicken from routes yes please in the certain routes in hollywood the black dude makes the best the one on the rock and roll house he used to make the best he would make it for your fresh and fish he would fry the fish and they also went to el cochinito and got a cable that would cuban pork chunks with white rice black beans and bananas so everybody

had something to do your wife have any resistance to this plan no because i made it on a wednesday before thanksgiving oh that's smart as shit so everybody could come i got married at one and at seven i wanted job no one had to take off i was home by eight o'clock and number one i don't want you dressed up and please don't bring a gift your presence is more important to me yeah some stupid gift and who officiated uh the fucking guy down there did just whoever a friend of mine came from jersey and we went down there and then we all went to the thing i was clean then we smoked tons of pot and we just grogan showed eddie bravo red band philippe raffi see i like that i just want simple i don't even have fucking pressure in my life but that was the main thing i sent out on

the emails no gifts i don't like gifts make me uncomfortable me too i gotta i gotta pretend i like it's like makes me feel like i have to perform yeah no and then they get that other thing where they i gotta buy your glass at a fucking mall at the woollen hills with your name month yeah for twenty three thousand hey i like the woollen hills i like the woollen hills no it's the corny glasses what's that what's that called when you get read things remembered no when you get registered uh registry so you know i'd rather give whitney a yard a couple thousand for a wedding no whitney wants these fucking forks on them i'm not that person at all so that's what i'm saying so you have to decide if i want something i have it what you want to do i get what i you know i would hate

for you to have this big illustrious million-dollar wedding never would never a year find out you don't like the fucking guy would never well here's the thing that's the thing i like him if i spend a bunch of money on the wedding i'll stop i love where this is you know i just think that it makes future resentments i'm gonna re-marry my wife no way where rooster-tea feathers oh yeah let's plan it i'm gonna marry you somewhere around the first uh the magic bag in destroy it no to make a 20 year i like that play at me too that's a dope theater me too i'm marrying her can we plan it no please me and rogan can plan it no no no with any look i don't want anybody there i was gonna say if anyone's invited don't tell them that day he like come over yeah come

right haca cafe 215 that's what i do i do everything that day so i don't put pressure on you that's the most possible pressure jump down the fireman's pole and get to my my renewal of my vows so fucking crazy i just want to do it with her have the baby there so she gets to see it you know so she gets always remember how much her dad loved the mom in case something happens come on yeah man and that's a 20 year anniversary why not where where you're gonna do it i don't know i don't know who's the side will burn that bridge you could do at my house no i haven't even thought about like i we just discussed it this year because i thought we were together 20 years that's wild it's next year oh god i'll give you some time so we'll be married for 10 but get together for 10

together for 20 what's the what is how do you stay married that long what is the secret i was married when i was young and i hated it i thought it was a suckers thing i thought that a woman the truth you want to throw the cards on the table if i married you with me is because i knew you were gonna cook and do laundry and i can ask you to fuck you i didn't know what came with it what responsibility is a man what responsibility came and then i ended up homeless with no kid i lost my kid and you realize what it is it's 50 50 yep i didn't start making money with my comedy till i started asking her for advice why because we're whores so and when then we ask who do we ask for advice other whores yes that's so true so you gotta ask somebody who's out of the business

that's right look at you and go what do they want to pay you to do what that's insane time to go fuck themselves you're like yeah but it's NBC tell them to go fuck themselves so when you have my agent he's allowed to talk to me like that who's that no i just mean like yeah you're like why would you ever let someone treat you like that because they're an agent and we need like just the dumb like my wife called like if i fuck up my wife calls me spider like from good fellas the guy who likes that he's like you're fucking up spider go get it handled you know like so she's you need a sane person's point of view so yeah no i wanted just what was the question stay married 20 years that's fucking insane i give her the respect she deserves i still do the date nights i don't do

stupid things with my friends like i you know guys who go on trips you think about you think ahead of time of like what's the aftermath of my choices then i see the guy you let him get a divorce or my wife cheated on me well next time you go play softball with the guys you're a grown fucking man yeah you had from zero to 20 to do all the athletes you want yes you suck dick at it now you want to play flag football when you're 40 your wife gave birth 10 years ago once you're married for 10 years the pussy gets way better remember the pussy oh yeah because no more outside condoms no more fucking stress once i know you at once you start dating somebody and you're with them 10 years the pussy is tremendous what about the butthole i don't fuck my wife in the ass that's

disgusting so 20 years the pussy's even better it's used to you it's like a temper pete you know when you first meet a girl and you go down and you sniff that pussy it snips tremendous but it's got like outside odors you can smell like different chowders you know i'm saying like toilet that guy used fucking hard but then the more you're with her the ph starts to adjust and the pussy gets tighter and adjust it gets like it's like fucking the it's like putting your hand in the hollywood for all the fame you know what i'm saying you put your hand in it it's like a baseball that starts to memorize your hands like a fine wine especially when they stay with the same man for all those years i'm like a cheap tequila but then when the when the husband dies that pussy's

tremendous and she's 50 52 and she's out of tantaliz she won't stay giving that hot pussy out you got a monkey kidding me because now that's the problem these 51 you know in cuban you call them melio temples what's that midway lot they're at the midway point these melio temples that pussy's good they can compete with 30 year olds really all those 50 year olds that have been married from 18 30 there's not all sorts of miscellaneous no they had a divorce and for four years they didn't think they had it and then now they started going to the gym and yoga get the key girls how many 50 year olds do you know in hollywood uh-huh jennifer aniston's are out to push 50 jennifer lope has just turned 50 as well they're not looking so slamming slamming and yes there's things that go on

there but 50 is the new 20 she she doesn't drink alcohol yeah yeah you start you really do start taking care of yourself at 40 you start taking care of yourself you understand that you can't do five shows unless you're in great shape you cannot go up on stage if i'm tired a lot of people are in better shape at 50 now than 20 that you know i want you to do that i want you to get to that isn't it go to get to that no i rolled twice it was fucking 97 degrees i'm like but when i got up my gi was drenched my underwear is with drenched you know you get that old out everything helps everything helps because we have to actually do two hours a night an hour show you're standing yeah yeah you know everything fucking helps this tour was the first time i really was like oh

shit you got a like i this is the first tour i've ever brought my own microphone which i know is corny and everyone's gonna make fun of me i never did it in la what why because i kept getting sick yes yes and i i was so embarrassed because i had seen someone do you remember there used to be a guy that came around the comedy store who brought a microphone on stage with a speaker and everyone used to clown him so hard i think it was more like the open mic circuit you probably never met him and i kept getting bronchitis and i never had that before and i don't know if it was because i was flying or i was just trying to do too much i also was doing clubs this round and doing like six shows a weekend you remember i was doing like five

clock shows 7 15 show 9 30 shows i started getting sick and so i brought my own microphone because and a doctor pointed it out he was just like do you share microphones with 300 road comics like i have like a microphone on my throat that says bobby lee's ball sweat on it of course i was getting sick so i started bringing my own microphone and that actually really helped what kind of mic did that's a good idea i don't remember i was so embarrassed um but i mean my opener could use that it wasn't like a thing but um i just brought it with me in my bag and put it up and uh i don't remember the brand i can send it to you okay that's great that's a great idea you haven't gotten six cents i'm very worried that's one thing that worries me a lot about having something going on

the road and you could smell the flu dude because i happens to come here all the time you see someone and you're like go home what you're gonna get everybody sick one person's got strep throat everyone's got fucking strep throat no but if i had a really really talk about the keys i mean we struggled the first six years like anybody on the couple finding your identity were you touring a lot at the time yeah i had no respect for her whatsoever birthdays christmas you got to have ritual it's like it's you got to figure out what and i think everyone with or like women you have every woman values something different i value stuff like that i do i didn't have holidays growing up birthdays weren't celebrated christmas was everyone was fighting so now it means a lot

to me and sometimes i know it's stupid but like a real birthday dinner just means a lot to me yeah and it doesn't matter why let's just do something fucking special and it's save us two months of fighting you know sometimes you just gotta just do it i've been here a long time when i saw comics come go but i also saw how comics ended relationships i saw i've seen a lot of relationships and and i look at and no matter how much amount of money the relationship ends usually a relationship ends because of uh of stress over money these couples have always had money so what was it that was missing it's time together i love going on the road i really do i really do but i have a six-year-old and like i was gonna go to miami thanksgiving weekend which i'm still

going the palm beach improv no the miami i was gonna do a theater make let me just do the club yeah six sets and do a great oh it's oh it's great but i was only going down wednesday see this is what i do now i was gonna go down wednesday sell out two shows yeah thursday who gives a fuck go to boston market where i can't go to turkey and then friday and saturday do two apiece and i go you know what is the change i'm gonna make wednesday worth it being away from my daughter for thanksgiving she's gonna be in better late thirties i'm taking a ten o'clock red eye and i get to miami at six southwest uh southwest mint jeb blue mint jeb blue mint i got my own i got foray fine private i'm by myself i shoot down i got the other one i got the uh the yeah it's two and four the little uh

spritzer the little mint spritzer i'm getting a little bag with the lotion and i got the plane taking back just in case i want to come back because i'm in new york friday yeah and i'm like really i'm gonna come all the way back to do two podcasts and then i go maybe i'll do sunday in miami wake up late check out late take like a one o'clock flight to the city get into new york at four get something to eat sleep and then tuesday do all that serious radio yeah and then do town hall friday that's a thought yes that's a thought that's what my thinking was for thanksgiving but i don't want to be gone past the holiday these little things i have to do because i have a family are you in your relationship kind of like i am a little bit of a loner like just by nature i think that's

part of the reason i'm good at touring and like i don't get that lonely on the road i just don't and i think sometimes when i'm touring a lot and i come home i still sort of feel like i'm alone in a hotel and my dude will be like hey what are you doing i'm like like i it takes me a second to adjust i just i need a lot of alone time which is maybe part of the reason i can be a stand up you know so that is something that i think we struggle with a lot i'm an only child just okay so i like my like i hate when i walk in the house and they both attack that's right i'd like give me 10 minutes i love my daughter and i love them but if i go to do kickboxing for an hour when i get back at 10 30 from 9 to 10 30 in the morning everybody's calling when i walk in as soon as i get in the car

i'm just hitting the phone hey what's up you have an audition hey what's up we gotta push the meeting back hey what's up so when i walk in i gotta start sending an email and they both jump me so sundays they both go to church they leave at fucking 9 30 so i take the first flight out so i walk in at 10 so i got from 10 to 1 by myself i empty my suitcase yeah i just need to be out i give myself an hour i go on youtube and watch three videos even though i have my wife and my daughter i love them very much my wife knows i need my shit and my wife needs her shit yeah after we you gotta need the same shit at the same time that's the key like next week i'm not going to because i gotta go to the god of the following week yeah i'm going out tonight so i go out tonight

tuesday and then do you have you uh when you're in town do you got do shows every night no tuesday thursday sat monday is her wednesday's are theirs how did you decide that i saw i looked at the and thought about two things i thought about relationship and i thought about because we have big questions that we don't answer i thought about the whatever returns what do i get by going out six diminishing marginal returns between you know not sleeping not waking up with her tuesday thursday sat there i can handle because i could still wake up with her take her to camp be a part there yeah you know years ago leds up and went on tour for a year and a half gone and they come back and now they played family for a year

and a half it's pretty tough to play family after you've been gone for a year and a half yeah it's like going to war it's like they say when people come back from war they have to do a week in germany to it's called neutralization it's just your all sudden jarring you take that's why i hate when people go i'm coming i'm going to boston from saturday to sunday wait a second when do you go back to work monday come back saturday yeah my mother's i don't give a fuck what your mother's cooking come back saturday because you're gonna need a vacation from the vacation yeah what good is it getting off the plane at eight and you got to be a working nine yeah i'm just saving you aggravation time and parts of your life so we got the dinner tell them to make it on saturday

yeah it's the same dinner she's gonna make sunday with uncle louis she can make saturday saturday at four you're out you get here at 11 o'clock you drive with the 405 it's empty yeah and now sunday you do your laundry yeah you look at your mail i just i'm so slow in my like i'm just i like i'm meditative at home i like to light a candle i like to brush my teeth i like to i don't like rushing at home meaning and i don't like feeling rushed and i don't like feeling pressure so it's like that's what i've been adjusting to being in a relationship and also i don't like being on or feeling like i have to deliver or perform or be interesting so it's been a little bit of an adjustment at home going from like dating and like putting on my best self and being like charming

and funny and telling great stories and then cohabitating and being like oh no i'm boring like most of the time like i'm not super fun to live with you know i wish people really knew like you like i wish people really knew they think i'm out shopping with fucking tiffany adish and bebly hills jumping up and down yelling that way they're squeezing waiters ass you know and that's not you know it surprises me when like i appreciate when people reach out to do things like you know it's like the other day too short reached out fuck crazy too short crazy went out to his party thursday on one in the afternoon yeah i can't go i wish i could go to downtown at one o'clock and smoke dope i still gotta drive back on the 101 at four and i gotta be home for dinner

i gotta be home for dinner i believe let me tell you the pet peeves i had grown up pet peeves i had grown up were going to whitney's house to call for her in the morning my parents were very nice dad was very nice mom was nice his siblings were nice but while i was sitting there waiting for you i would hear whitney hurry up can you please give me the brush out of the bathroom jesus christ who took a shit this early isn't there a role and people running and people standing up eating a carrot and your mother eating a cereal because she's got a missed a train in 15 minutes when i saw it as a kid i go i do not want that no hectic my house in the morning this is very sick what's that they're saying friends and i say qua she and i say qua

yeah in my house you wake up you get a cup of coffee you go outside i sit i have my coffee in the morning yeah i sit no phone no no talking no news no i don't even turn the news on no i want negative no toxic pollution and you're all in the dumpster nope i'm good i've let in my water i don't need to know don't tell me i go outside i got a little vitamin d i drink my coffee at about 20 do two buckets to get the the fucking vh going in the pussy to get life tolerable and then you fucking open up social media i go to work promoting right and i have the notebook i write my uh whatever for the day what i plan to do while i'm feeling what i thought about last night said do you sleep like a motherfucker yeah eight hours seven and a half wow seven and a half

can you nap cbd all do you ingest it yes huh it's really helped the the 2,500 milligrams i pop at night oh shit no t hc no the little gel caps under my oh okay now before i go to bed so suns anarchy comes on 11 i walk in from the commune still 11 i pop it i go in i do some stuff i look at my notebook for the next day and by 1145 i'm already feeling yeah right now and i go let me watch the end of sunday anarchy and i'll watch that and then i'll lay down and i am i'm older so i pee i've died due to you pee every hour on the hour every hour at night oh my god in the middle of the night for a while there was terrible there's nights that i just and then i went on strike i wouldn't drink water after six yeah and people like you get that my doctor

told me you get that bar attack i'm like fuck can you like a little catheter no so now no so now i just started doing the cbd and like cryotherapy oh yeah you go in the thing yeah the whole thing cryo makes you sleep also very good so to steam doesn't it steam and cry steam and cry do you do before you go to bed or just anytime during the day i'm gonna do it today because you burn like 2000 calories when you do it right oh wait because you're so yeah your body's working so hard to stay cold one today i usually do the like how many minutes does it go three three someone died in one of those be fucking kick in vegas i think some yeah because they're doing drugs the night before someone was found dead in a cryo freeze in vegas yeah there's a thing there's a guy that i met

when i first started going to cryo and i just bumped into him about two months ago in the part like hey i don't see them i got a heart condition they don't want me to go in i think it's the best thing i do i try to go in there three times a week yeah good for inflammation it's not even for your breathing oh it focuses your flight to fight response well see that i love i love that it's just you realize what is mental what is perception so you have to go in clothes i put music on and i focus on the breathing yeah i make sure that keep your amygdala deactivated don't go in there right from yoga class because you're underwear sweaty and then you're gonna freeze i made the mistake i said let me go there one day and my fucking two nuts became one

but i could feel i could feel the one hug the one um nut was like i'm cold and the other guy's like i'm cold too let's hug and just hug together don't they go in your body like up inside your body it was like a little head and i went into the bathroom i looked at the freeze look like uh disney's head it was just a little frozen fucking if i would put a wig on it a little hemorrhoid oh yeah look like your nut just becomes one i got great nuts i really do but what is them what is great nuts mean big big a lot of meat to put in your mouth but but high up like tight high and tight um 56 i got broke you know what i'm saying or like just symmetrical they're symmetrical i mean it's beauty is in the eye of the bottle you know what i'm saying i mean it's like chicken

gizzard what's the one man's chicken there's another man's like an elephant ear what the fucking show of the picture of my nuts it's hidden from youtube like oh you want to see that one okay you know do we have pictures of joey's nuts yeah let me find out i didn't know that the album cover the album cover of my cd yeah i didn't know that oh something i called it where i get my balls that's right and i what is this an updated is this a tip this is the best story how recent is this photo this has to be about seven eight years okay so we need a new one but it's probably the only difference is gray hairs and a couple wrinkles like you ran the russia couple yeah i like if i put the russian app on my nuts right now that's what it would get like a couple wrinkles and some fucking gray hair

the best was for me i'm sitting there one day i'm like i really want to call this album something what kind of picture can i get the forces i want i was working madonna what would madonna can i tell you people don't think about that one of the hardest things i think about doing stand-up is naming your specials yes what would madonna do what would madonna do so i took a picture hold on i went to felicia's house would take a picture of her balls i went to felicia's like a felicia i got a high first and i got a big favor she's like what is it shall we tell me that's not beautiful right there that actually is a fucking unbelievable set of balls look at that it looks like dolly parts tits like it looks like a beautiful butt i'm gonna leave

them to you i want you to take them out of the sack and put a string in between them and play that game them in the 70s they have to crack a ball would they would it's right right with clack yeah the clack oh yeah the it looks like a how good kim kardashians but how somebody has not asked me to model my bulbous can i tell you something beyond me i actually thought you were joking but i do think you do have beautiful loss beautiful bulbous and you're lucky you didn't see him from the left hand i got a beauty mark on the left side like that i think i see it it's like even you'd say something what's the name ivers loren she had that that beauty mark on the side of her face it's on the left side it also it looks like mount rushmore like there's these

beautiful it looks like two redwoods like a redwood look at the heart in those nuts unbelievable i'm veins of steel you can i tell you something i'm not even joking i'd be the first to clown on them they are very very well constructed i wipe them they set of balls do you shave them i shave them i keep them but you got to hold it when you shave you had to hold them out right yeah i got to beg my wife and fucking close my eyes and pray she doesn't yeah she shaves your balls sometimes she shaves my balls for me because you know you can't put them in your mouth you do a happy marriage that's the key to a happy marriage you got to have them shave your balls do you shave everything sometimes i shave everything just depending on the occasion there's no shampoo my the hair gets

long and it's like i get split ends you can use a regular shampoo i don't want to use use a different shampoo on your ball your pubes in your head i put conditioner on my head i get soap anti-fungal soap and i wash my helmet okay i pull the skin back okay when circumcised germs develop on that and then i uh i you have to a lot of people like a lot of guys don't know that no a lot of guys don't do it and they don't know it and it stinks it stinks terribly you gotta shampoo the pubic hair and i put like well a borsam conditioner oh but i still get this well a balsam i don't even think they still made that where do you buy that it's not like fucking uh you know holly berries fucking makes a fucking ball thing so you fucking yeah that's good to know and then you use a razor or

electric razor or regular razor called manscape oh that it comes with them detachments so you can shave your nuts it's just for nuts just for nuts huh and then you take it off and you shave around it uh-huh it's the summertime it's you don't want to have that fucking oniony smell on top of a 56 year old no i don't want to smell the scallops oh man dick i like harry i like harry everything people don't know how stinky their asshole gets either oh my ass is fucking hard in between i call that uh stinkville no the stink zone the stinkville in between your asshole and your nutsack there's one it says the bog of eternal stench and you and it's still it stays with you and sometimes you're watching tv at night and you're like man i got a little itch down and you

scratch and then you let me see what's going on down in nutville it's like under your nuts a little bit it's like a little piece of meat and if you go too south you'll scratch like the top of your asshole like a little bit and you take that with your fingers and just a little whiff and it smells like different like war so i get the luffa oh that's what i did was let me tell you how convenient i am i'm a fat dude so i've never i grew up in the east coast and i hated humidity so i learned how to bathe so i take a luffa i pick up my nuts and i luffa underneath i luffa the dead skin then what you do is i cut a little luffa oh and i take that one i learned how to wrap it around my finger and i put it like two inches in my asshole and clean the fucking you know because

they get barnacles you get barnacles and clout i think those are herpes but yeah whatever the fucking is you clean around like i don't stick my finger in my ass i knuckle it you know that i go like this like i get yeah it's like how you express anal glands in a dog you go like this yeah you take it out and i wash it but you know there's these um uh the korean spots have these like gloves that are luffa gloves okay that you can go in and do whatever you gotta do in the crevices you can get them for 20 cents on amazon you can get 50 once it's a glove that's all luffa and you can just get everything you don't have to be doing arts and crafts with your luffa how often do you change the finger one i cut it like every three weeks oh okay no no that's i don't have a dirty

stinky wrist i know but i think yeah i think maybe is that but we have the day i don't know i have the day i don't understand how the days work i don't know how you bought this fucking house in 2019 and i don't know the day is beyond me but i don't understand what it's washing your shit or your balls just tomorrow call the plumber i but i don't even understand where are you supposed to sit on it yeah but doesn't i've tried it before and it went everywhere right because you have to learn how i felt like a squirter for the first time you turn on the hot first then you turn but do you have to have a towel yeah why don't you just gonna shower because maybe you're on a move maybe you ever come home with a guy and you're you're swapping spit things are kind of getting

hot oh we were baby wipes but baby wipes but maybe once i taste baby wipe oh yeah i bet i could tell you baby why i knew a girl in college who used to put chaps to cheer chaps they're gonna put you that's brilliant yeah that's a good one let's make give me a number pretty good pretty good i want to be on facebook pretty it's like it's pretty good well uh so what you do is you you go in the bathroom you turn it on you sit you take the sweat off your ass and you get a a towel and you can put like a summer's eve vaginal scrub and you just get it in there clean your nuts wait on mine are yours i've washed my balls with summer's eve vaginal scrub summer's eve vaginal scrub will shine your nuts like and i'm i was just i was trying to be funny

i used to date a girl and she had it but summer's eve is just soap the best thing is just antibacterial why not use summer's eve it cleans every is this one of your advertisers no not at all this feels fishy no do they sponsor i haven't bought it i haven't bought summer's eve as a man since i got married because i didn't want my wife to it does feel if i saw it but if i saw summer's eve at guys house i think they were cheating yeah vaginal scrub it's the best thing does it have little um scrub your seeds and you put the old one i don't know this is 95 there was a girl i used to date i'm not planting seeds in my years i used to date on sunday night she had a boyfriend she was happily in love but on sunday morning she would break up with him every weekend okay

and her and i would go on a date and we play hooker roofie who first and we would go out and i'd try to roofie huh she tried to roof this was tremendous tremendous she was like a real i loved her sounds like a very good something she was a real woman she just was down where it happened to her she got married what do you think that happens are you able to stay in touch with exes yes i stay in touch with her she's just getting separated because she caught him having an affair with the waitress at their restaurant no no but she was with him i loved her she was like one of my best friends oh cool one night we went out we did a couple lines of coke i noticed she her body was banging i ate a pussy then we stayed friends and i never say none to nobody like i didn't

say nothing yeah and then one night we went out we went out from parents house i was trying her father grew weed in that town that's really busy so i went he invited me to the house she was there with a boyfriend and the boyfriend was acting like an asshole she's like get home and she's like what are you not doing i go i don't know i'm gonna go maybe get a gram of coke she's like you mind if i come with you and then she goes and we take it right up to the bus stop the bus stop was a strip club there was a strip club oh shit face him in uh now leave below wait there is a strip club there's a strip club called the bus stop the bus stop that is hands down the saddest name i've ever heard i said that it was run by like gangsters but when the guy died he left it to the

church so the church really owns the bus stop at least they did in 95 it was amazing there was little factory behind the back there was this guy like with a missing eye got your roofies direct i don't know what a roofie is the fucking rapper is that is it row hip no and it's a pill and people supposedly break them in half and put them in drinks and put them in your drinks right her and i were soldiers we get a grandma blow and then she'd take hers and i'd take mine and we go to why would you want to do blow and isn't that an upper and a downer you do the blow and it gets you all fucking psyched up but then you get dead deck from doing the oh so you take the roofie to calm it down a little bit get your was viagra back in the day

a thing yet 95 maybe but i've never taken my really i would not you don't need it you're just fucking yes i'm scared of my heart not with those balls no i'm scared of what what it would do to my because it takes the blood away from everything no one needs to fuck for four hours maybe you do i don't know no four hours why a long time fuck out of here who's time for that yeast infection waiting to happen no i would do uh i would fucking i would never take i heard that there was gay men in hollywood that would take viagra and ecstasy and you put it into a liquid form and you take the turkey baster and you put it up your ass that's rogan on tuesday really yeah after i spring up the piranha thing this is 95 97 98 there was a gay ecstasy viagra

up your ass well anything you put up your asshole is going to go into your bloodstream yes faster faster like a lot of people i know you should do coke in their ass yeah with a finger and put a coke with a luffa and you get fucked up on coke jesus what's the difference between the feeling of going up your nose and going up your ass i don't know i never put it up my ass oh you never did it once no i would have a if anything i would have somebody blow it in me with a straw like a chinese shit they're good with straws you know what i'm saying too bad i don't give a fuck about the dolphins turtles get that straw blow it up my ass like a stab it can be an eco-friendly paper straw you can't clean that oh no they wouldn't melt it would dissolve but what if you have

shit in your butt sorry no you take a little bit you put the finger in there then you put the straw chinese style like coke rock up their fucking ass and it's all over the shop who you think you're dealing with joy bananas you're always slinging so a cocaine plus and you do the cocaine to get amped up and then you do the roofie to get your dick functioning yes huh i wouldn't have thought that to make it kinkier huh wouldn't you forget all the stuff you did yeah sometimes don't roofies make you sleepy that yeah that made you not remember not with the coke that rigor mortis not with the coke that's sleepy dick not with the coke so with the coke and we get it's like doing a quailude i have never done a quailude pass you out our quailudes amazing tremendous

tremendous i just gave the last one i had to jordan belford the wolf of wall street came on the show last week what it's a pill right it's a pill and how have quailudes gone like out of style what's the is classy cotton the new version i listen you know all you hear about is the or period problem the or period problem the or period problem we've had a problem with pills whether it was two monos or quailudes or valium or xanax it's percussed what's happened that i had a conversation with one of my dear friends because my dear friends has a child that struggles with an opioid addiction and he's like i don't know what to do with him and i always say you know what you're being a fucking hypocrite for starters and he's like no coax you don't

understand we were doing coke big fucking different like a coke heroin pills but it's true you know these pills are leading these kids the heroin because it's cheaper and it's cheaper that's exactly right it's laced with fentanyl that fentanyl shit is unbelievable you know what man i take the leaves i drink two expressos and i smoke a joint i'm good what would you say if you were like okay i have to i you're gonna die in 20 minutes what's the drug you do i need a piece of cheesecake i get a new york egg cream like smoke a cigarette like a fucking animal i would smoke a cigarette like if i got that old like i would get more enjoyment hmm off one say what marbro i've been a real reds i really i don't know i mean i knew

that i didn't know marijuana yeah i knew at the age of 12 that marijuana did something to me somebody sat across here and said she had a dd and a bunch of stuff and since she started smoking pot she's gotten it together i think i decided the same thing well i always had like low self esteem like i always had all these things from my father dying yeah once i found pot i found the home hmm i found me down it takes away the background noise for me i do at night before i go to bed i had to take it easy because i was not the vapes i can never quite tell how much i'm doing and i tried a couple different brands and now i just do like three or four hits before i go to bed i was doing more during rozan because i was stressed out for obvious fucking reasons

and i was starting to forget shit and i didn't i didn't feel like i was quick so for me like four hits before i go to bed is like the perfect amount where i can still be like quick and optimal did you ever do drugs growing up you know i didn't really i did like i tried everything except heroin i never did great with coiloads but i was never a i was always addicted to dramatic situations and bad relationships and not drugs i was i was addicted to drug addicts not alcohol alcohol never did grew up in an alcoholic home and i was always the one pouring the alcohol so i became the people pleaser i just never i never got a taste for it you ever have a drink i do sometimes i can't wine gives me fucking migraines me too i can't so i'd read my thing is just not worth it you know because

i'm like ah this is fucking fun but then tomorrow night i was and i'm always in stand-up at night so i'm always just like haven't but tequila is what i can do and not get a headache the next day here's out here i did time guys i did a lot of bad things but it's so weird how my mind works when i was 17 years old i saw car accident 17 i saw a car accident i drove up on it me and a friend of mine on a hit of acid and i saw a horrible experience and i heard the yells and i heard the screams and they had to get the jaws of life and cut you know all that shit i'll never forget either the guy said something the guy took out a bottle and he goes there with drinking and that stayed with me like i have a statement i hope it doesn't offend anybody it's 2019 if you get a DUI

just fucking kill yourself because you're that fucking stupid yeah and selfish i am just like a kid in new york you hear about this thing in new york yesterday two days ago guy went on an eight hour shift and forgot his two one-year-old twins were in the car now how do you forget for eight hours that you know me and my wife and i'm like we're to a point now where we know not to leave anything in the fucking car just don't leave anything in the car your dog your cat just not even for a minute nothing bothers me more than when i go lee do you want to ride or you went and you go Joe do you want to ride yeah and all of a sudden you go click click with your fucking car i open your car and you want to put a suitcase in the back of the trunk look at your favorite

start this fucking car started and then do whatever the fuck you want get the air in here for that minute i'm sitting here like those guys we fucking like those twins i'm sitting there waiting to fucking die because you want to put that then your mother calls the twins die hold on we're here get start the fucking car start the goddamn ac and then you can do whatever the fuck you want you can walk talk as well as i got the acyon i've been with people who have said i'm gonna go inside for a minute and they've turned off the car i'm like what do you know the reason i have the car i have is because i can turn my acyon while i'm walking in the car it's on before i get in there yeah it drives me fucking nuts nothing drives me crazy i've worked too hard then people putting me

in their car and then going hold on i gotta take something out of the trunk think start the fuck so we all know that that like all that type of shit like if you got a dui did they give him a blood test and he had been drinking the guy that left it there's gotta be a by the way he was doing an eight hour shift so what you're telling me i don't know so what you're telling me isn't that eight hours you didn't talk to your ex-wife or your wife your wife didn't call you and say how the babies are doing because i know when i'm on the road i talked to my wife every two hours i was mercy doing what's going on how did she like universal did the kid pick on it she's smacking back i'm checking so for eight hours so something had to be done when they walked out he either was

doing drugs for eight hours passed out passed out something was wrong and i feel the same way about duis i'm sorry if you're an out here you're recovering i'm not here to hurt nobody's feelings but in today's day and age again i'm like i'm dead one of the most powerful things i heard when i was going to a a meetings when i was in alanon but i was going to open a a meetings you know helps you understand the disease and this woman was sharing and she was like everyone out driving tonight is safer because i'm in here hundreds of people are safer because i'm here it's like it just blew my mind just thinking about it she's like i just didn't want to kill anybody and i could do coke and drive i'm mario andretti you gotta see me i used to do coke and i would

do 90 down fountain on a thursday night i could smoke and join and i won't smoke in the car yeah very seldom do i smoke when i'm driving yeah i'll smoke when we get to our destination i'll smoke before i leave the house i think they give us a great deal here by letting you smoke yeah by we yeah you gotta smoke it in the fucking car too you know i'm saying like yeah yeah now you're getting greedy yeah now we're getting greedy so leave the pot at home you smoke you go for a car ride but the du i like that i cannot even sip i was like maybe i should get gin and tonic with an extra lime in this bitch i like my fear because i fall apart if a cop pulls me over and i have alcohol in my breath i will fall apart i can murder somebody you come and question me

yeah and i'm joe cool haven't you but when it comes to alcohol i i start stuttering really oh my god is that because your tolerance is low i just know the fear i get from getting pulled over with alcohol because i don't have a ground to stand on oh well oh that's i've told people for years i didn't have a license for 10 years i got pulled over every friday coming home from ira vine in ontario because that'd be doing 90 no license no california life what did you do tell them the truth tell them the truth i go i lost it on the plane i haven't got a chance to get on my california license they didn't smell out they have a rule in la on fridays and saturdays if you're speeding but you're a gentleman really if you don't have alcohol on your breath 90 percent of times i'll let you go

especially after 10 o'clock is that la pd or is that all of it all of it they don't have time to be fucking around that's so true well they have a background check yeah i got bigger fist difference they do the background check that then we get pulled over together me you and how cool were they yeah i don't have a problem with them never ever ever because without alcohol on your breath on a friday and saturday you don't have a leg to stand on because even if we go to the comedy store and witness says at 8 30 hey joey have a tequila with me my show got picked up boom and i do the 8 30 show when i do joe's 10 o'clock show and i get in the car 12 if i get pulled over he's gonna ask me a question yeah and then what if i tell him no because it was four hours ago

and then i get out my trip roll so as soon as you tell the cop yes he's gonna take you out of the car yeah so just don't drink and he won't take you out of the fucking car i don't know how people drink and do stand up it blows my mind that somebody comics do it i could smoke pot not right away and do stand up the coke i learned my first year that's not gonna work really why not cocaine the night before so many comics did so much i mean we're like the first generation of comics that aren't doing cocaine right we're the first generation of comics that really aren't doing anything that's why if you have a problem today in the comedy world like a alcohol a drug problem your career is not going to last no because there's so many good comics that aren't causing better

drinking jama juice and doing yoga for 20 years ago mitch was on the road causing problems george lopez is on the road what was what was mitch like mitch was a sweetheart mitch was just was his comedy at the time alternative comment like what did he feel like could he go on stage after anybody do you know what i mean like today that'd be considered like alternative comedy don't you think he was alternative but he was on a different level his writing charisma he was starting to do turn around and not do comedy in front of him he was just doing was he as a person was he fun really we used to play tennis every day what at 98 me him stanhope would go to gorky park on vista and for fountain there's a park there there used to be a russian park and they used to

sell drugs there but me stanhope nick depolo oh yeah because nick depolo and mitch headberg lived in the same building on syria bonita and sunset oh yeah that's a famous building so you had what wolf was on vista then you have el compadre and ralfie may was on schrader and then you had syria bonita you had mitch and nick and then uncursed the two couldn't be two more dissimilar comments and they were neighbors so whenever mitch had been playing the guitar nick would throw him down from the wall he fucking hated mitch like he would torture mitch could not be more different and then curson had dug stanhope which he still has that apartment oh he kept that apartment after all these years because it's rank control that's why he will not leave that place

i don't know what are the updates still there funny so all those guys used to get together we drink iced tea and at 3 30 we'd go to gorky park and i still remember like he was killing mitch headberg was already killing at the improv he was a big improv guy lat factory i kind of remember i don't remember him at the store but i still remember him and i having a conversation about him going to new york and me telling him that i think it was a good idea because there's nobody else like him that huh everybody in new york talks to the audience and you know how you know and was steven right still performing it like wasn't the closest thing he was stylistically right to steven right steven right was performing but mitch was just mitch was just climbing like a swagger about him you know

all that shit you know you have to move walking down the street the guy gives you a sign he's really saying hey you drove us away from me you know yeah he was just you know the thing about going to the restaurant mr and mrs smith yeah clever as shit he was on like a year or two roll then he got the big deal yeah and this is something this is how big the deal was like when they signed mitch in montreal on paper it's supposed to be the biggest deal ever given by now they probably broke his interest was the interest was so high on mitch that they closed the improv on monday tuesday and wednesday just to showcase mitch to people or to no industry people industry wow so everybody came back to tell their perspectives that the mitch headberg train was

open it was time to write their checks so monday was showrunner tuesday was writers and wednesday was the network you take a fucking kid this way to god that's how powerful he was they do not do shit like that and fox gave him the deal they started working him into the 70s show oh right that must have been chris all bright they were doing it right they were doing this one they were doing right they were working him into to do like a sitcom yes fox they were doing it right because they take whitney whitney's never done a school play then she goes to read the pile and they're like yeah and then you have a sister that's the next thing like you're playing your sister and you're playing that's right yeah that's right you know and then you get recast

dress yeah so you know there's just so many things that wow but then he moved to new york and that's what he was really that's where you really think of doing all those spots yeah yeah and he had carolines and all those places he was starting a little seller it was 98 97 and that's when comedy central was doing like yes they were the specials premium blends yes comedy central really had those spare comedy central presents where it was almost like the tonight show if you didn't want you were just huge and then i guess the drugs got a hold of him and you for a couple years you just heard stories you know but i was in my own drug war you know pablo francisco i dearly love he was causing having but when you're on the road no one can say anything i still

remember fucking george lopez falling off a stool in miami and he couldn't do radio on thursday and friday you know everybody was pretty much they still remember it's out in 99 in miami at the improv opening up but also audience they bring you drug like i mean that's i remember talking some comic struggling like i just got sober but people send me shots and the club owners give you drug you know i mean it just seems like it was probably even harder back then it was very hard for a lot of people you know let's be honest i went on the road to do drugs i didn't go on the road to do comedy comedy was just how i was gonna make money because it just felt like you didn't have any accountability on the road i was a feature no radio no nothing after i do that 20 minutes

i sit by the bathroom yeah and i just wait for the pigeons to come out one by one we loved you are you there no what's the story let's do a bump i came with my boyfriend so we'll get to jack let's get the fuck out of here the next thing you know i'm gone yeah there's no responsibility that was i was into i was into snorting and getting high and comedy was 30 percent of that journey at that it's so weird i don't think i know anyone that does cocaine no weird no like i don't know any of like not that i would call them out right now on your show but i don't know anyone who's a stand up that really does cocaine and it's out there i'm sure they're out there but i don't see it you know i don't see it either i don't i don't see everyone's juicing and everyone's fucking ketoed

paleo and like everyone's working out with rogan you know you and i both know that be a successful stand up to do what you want to do on the road and those shows and those theaters and the traveling and you know if you land down the sample and you're not in shape you're gonna die well also we're in this new thing now where people see you and they take pictures of you all the time and there's no i get to behave a different way after the show or in the airport it's everything it's gotta be very camp you know who gave me amazing advice actually when i first started stand up andrew dice clay was at the comedy star and i was such a young idiot i was like 25 and i was like i'd done maybe like a couple months of stand up and i was like excuse me but what's

it do you have like some advice for me and he was like sleep eight hours a night that's all i said it's the truth just sleep it's the truth you have to take so much care of yourself you could take care of the people that pay to come and see you that's right you know they're saving money all year i got homeless on the way so look at you with a nice white shirt on the way you can't sell a ten thousand dollar truck with a ten dollar presentation do you think i dress too sloppy on stage you're making me think i should dress up more no i think you dress very womanly oh really yeah i don't want to see your tits when i'm up there okay i want you to cover them because why i got the distraction yeah just i were like nice hoodies but i sometimes i feel like am i a

little sloppy you told me something once that stayed with me a long time and you got a lot of respect from me you said that when you came to this town you had two choices you could just suck dick i want to be one of the guys and you put your head up in a ponytail and you looked as unassuming as you could and that goes a long way you know i've seen girls that there was a girl at the comedy store that had to take you know she was into old guys like she was like no name she was like 28 hot but her boyfriend's were like 60 yeah because they fucked her once a week and they got and one guy gave her a set of tits they were fucking beautiful she's a comic or waitress she's done oh no she's a Betty for she would only show up once a week and there was a beautiful

fucking Porsche fucking Jesus oh yeah she was she was 24 hot to try so go i mean good for her guys but whatever they did they did the tit transfer in Mexico transfer whatever the fuck they did the implant they did in Mexico like what's that they didn't know what to do with this vein wait what is this true this is a true story what vein i don't know women have a vein that goes i have big tits there was no vein problem but she had a vein that for some reason the silicone pushed it out so the vein came right through it was like you were doing comedy with Arnold Schwarzenegger she sucked too many dicks that vein was so this was here the cleavage and this vein came from here all the way down like a fucking like a body built

this arm but you look at a bodybuilder how their vein looked yeah yeah so she went on stage with cleavage and everybody would come out and go Jesus Christ that vein on a tent you know sure because that's all they see is the vein on a tent cover that fucking vein i don't but i don't i don't understand no i'm sorry maybe she didn't transfer maybe she got a cheap maybe she got a cheap sugar daddy and he sent to the mexico you know how they are in mexico you can't get your tits done in mini malls you got to get you got to go to the real i knew a chick they got a tits done and i swear to god one was up here you got to be careful the guy didn't use the thing with the little chemical thing in there you know how you use the you know what the key to good fake tits is

what is that they uh when you go out on anesthesia they hang you basically on a crucifix and do it while you're standing up really yeah so that they fall right so most of the time they have you on a bed and they do it and then your little fucking two alligator eyes you know but the good surgeons put you up on the wall and do it while you're standing up that's the most horrified i've ever seen joey ds but that's the ones that fall well because most people have them but the good ones don't seem fake you know and also under the muscle is the key well now we've come over the muscle just looks like joey's nut sex how was it preparing for this next special yeah coming on Netflix you saw you saw me a lot i feel like preparing yeah so

a few times at uh sycamore flappers a bunch sycamore i like that place i it's weird i feel like and tell me if i'm crazy or if this is normal like i feel like the more people know me as a stand up the scarier i am in a way to disappoint so i feel like i can't do a shit at you know i have to do a shit at the comedy store improv places like that so this round i really started going to like little shitholes i went to flappers i went to bars like i kind of was like you know the more success i get is to stand up the shittier venues i'm going to because i want to be able to just try out new shit and fuck around and not like if i'm following you or rogan i don't feel like i can try out new shit you know like i want to deliver because i mean you know following this guy is

fucking nightmare it's like like riding an earthquake um so i i it was it was fun but also a lot of work and the stuff that i was talking about like i was scared this is the first time i've ever put a special out and i was like scared like what if the pc police get me what if i get canceled am i allowed and that's i called the special can i touch it um for a lot of reasons but i was a little worried i wasn't going to say the right term or get backflash in the comments i was like i gotta fucking shake that shit off this is i think just because of what's going on and all this i'm going to pull up a tweet that you sent eight years ago and now you're homophobic i you know i was scared which was they pulled my tweets i mean you're you're a fucking you know i mean we have to

i don't think people even bother with you we really have to stop living yeah you're a very decent girl you know it's not like you took your dick out and showed it to someone it's not like you you know you're sargento who you're marching but in the meantime you're rapist hypocrite yeah yeah you know what if you said something 20 years ago i said yeah god knows what my state of mind was so if you take it seriously you want to do that i used to do the roast shame on you we used to do the most sexist racist offensive shit ever you know but i think i just i definitely i think the biggest part of this special is i wanted to make sure that i it didn't just work in new york and la because we get a little myopic now so i did 43 cities everywhere in between new york and la a

lot of us go san francisco new york la got it let me tape it it's like that doesn't represent everybody so i definitely especially talking about the stuff that's in the news like i talk a lot about the sexual harassment stuff and i'm so glad you know that i did as big of a tour as i did is i was sick and it was hard but you know i was talking about the me too stuff and sexual harassment and i was like so does me too made it to houston i'm pretty sure it was houston and this and i was talking about like when your ass gets grabbed at work you know and this woman just yelled out take the compliment and move on it's like thank you it's true there's different points of you about this not right not wrong i can't judge but i want to make sure that the special doesn't feel

like uh you know i don't know i want to appeal to everybody and i think how long did you prepare for year and a half okay so 18 months about but i did i was doing two shows a night at flappers then i go to the comedy store and then i was doing six shows a weekend see i've changed my whole outlook i'm just doing the store from now on really yeah in la where were you doing put you would do hot cafe everything and i just after the netflix special i saw so many holes in my game and i was like that's it interesting that's it if they don't like the aid material they don't get they'll get something i know i have i've been doing this for 20 years i'll come up with 15 minutes yeah and now if we're going down and worrying about who you're following but it used to be a

comedy story you go on and fuck around there was 10 people 10 germans in the audience that got a group on now it's every i come off stage it's every person that runs a fucking network yeah it's that's the way everyone's filming it's like but they just want you to beat them yourself you always could use eight minutes of material yeah and substitute some material in there so you don't look i had to stop going to the other places yeah because even if i killed that flappers on the drive home i'm like did that count i'm a bully yeah interesting i'm over there with a bunch on now there's a poor girl over there has been doing comedy for two years yeah she's yeah yeah yeah and i went down and bullied her so she now she has to follow me like you know you are i mean

in everyone who's listening is a fan of yours and you know you are well i would say the heart one of the hardest comments to follow right now yes i told you about the time that i had to follow you and i started stretching in the hallway for netflix yeah i was i started doing like oh and it's the first time i ever was like hey do you want to go next i just you get like i was trying to get someone else to go just to fucking get the energy back to fucking earth i always i after the netflix special i always want to act i always want to feel the way i feel before i go up at the store i always want to feel that panic oh well do you feel panic before you go on at the store oh my god do you get that from him he's he's told me about it i wouldn't surprise i wouldn't have guessed it but

yeah he's told me three years ago i wouldn't think you were capable of that emotion because i was there think about being there when mitzi was there i had to showcase for mitzi twice when she was the only person in the room when you would have when she would walk back and forth no didn't do that and she would do a spot and you got in your car and you're like this might be my last night at the store like i live through that wait like showcasing for her just no no like her being there on a saturday and you got an eleven o'clock spot when you walk in she's in the booth sitting with with elinor and andrew and paul redriguez and she's like hi honey we're here to watch you and you're like okay and you have to go on the main room and don maria is in front of you oh fuck fuck and

you're like no so if you thought you stretched that and i think of my job now you go up there so i would i would always be honest with her if i saw her one day i would always tell her uh i did great in the original home i ate a bag of dicks in the main room i always eat dicks in the main room and she would go that's fine what is that i the main room i oh i prefer the original room to the main room is that we all do we all is that sure okay we all do i just at that in time the more you do these stupid sam triply shows broken shows and nothing not that they're stupid no but it's getting your people more mellow comic every time they do a show and they call you do it because you're not going down anywhere yeah you might as well jump on that show yeah and you'll

see you'll do this it's either or yeah either destroy the original yeah yeah yeah bag of dicks in the main room you can't have both or destroy in the main room god doesn't get in the original room they're like it's the worst you come off such a high in the or and then you have nine dicks down your throat in two minutes in in the fucking main room you're like damn it new junk work in the 20 seconds ago just 20 seconds who fucked this up and now they just stared me down like i rocked i know it's crazy where did you tape this at dc sydney harman hall how many shows did i did two shows but we did i learned this the hard way because the first show is always a camera rehearsal so i did a practice show on friday that was just for cameras to see what i was do because

i'd move around a lot in the cameras they got at the camera people got to know how to follow me and um and then i did two taped shows on saturday and i use mostly from the second show saturday it comes out tuesday comes out tuesday august i mean july 30th yeah july 30th midnight yep i'm fucking so happy for you it's it's it's nuts like for me like i i have some crazy as shit happen at the end of the show because i you know i think i have a robot in it i don't know if i've seen that part of it there's a robot in the show which is insane because i kind of just was like okay so my fourth special i want it to be super memorable there's so much so many great specials now so many great comics like i just want to do something really memorable so it's kind of a crazy

experiment at the end that'll make you feel weird now you've done comedy specials for who two for comedy central one for hbo this one's for netflix i was the heo i saw the i love the hbm thank you you said something to me where you said that you appreciated i just i fucked around with the crowd just because i really like that i just feel like it i think what is tricky about specials is you do every single night you get to do something different and then you're like oh i gotta pick a tape like i just if it feels right i just do it and it's taping even though it fucks up the continuity it feels weird to not trust your gut while performing i don't want it to ever feel rehearsed so i had fucked around with some of the audience and i just like fuck it

leave it that's what happened she's got balls that's what happened what am i not gonna just another show i try to treat it like just another show um and uh what am i saying it was uh it was good i'm i'm proud of it i it's it's gonna get me in some trouble good you know i say that some feminists are your assholes perfect people are gonna be mad at me but that's what comedy is like i just i can't we're not here to take care of your feelings we're here to make you laugh and make you think and the self-righteous indignation shit's gotten a little much fucking crazy it's gotten crazy i'm gonna piss some people off and maybe that's okay i just read all the change in fucking halloween what the saturday because too many people complaining that they don't want halloween

to fall on a wednesday so they want to change it to saturday who's they who are these people the same cock suckers to change columbus day these columbus fucking alone but they had to make ambiguous day they cancel columbus day yeah they cancel them out what do you call it you don't it's gone indigenous people did indigenous people day that's because columbus killed a bunch of fucking people who gives a fuck was two thousand years ago were you there no but i knew once they changed columbus day then they'd want to go for it's they're coming for you wait you're gonna see mong luther king's these black yeah fucking nazi day they're gonna do everything yep these mother fucker we can't celebrate nazi day anymore no ah so it's a sad movie damn i love you i love you so much congratulations

thank you for taking the time on your busy schedule do anything for you i know you got all these shows on tap and i love you i you see i retweeted everything i love you i love you thank you you're the best they find you beside that instagram what are we doing i don't do the tiktoks i don't do the snapchats i do instagram and twitter 36 years old what about the website whitneycomings.com that's it no no problem at all i love you you look gorgeous as usually oh gosh the best cheekbones in the business i really people think they're fake i love them best cheekbones in the business best balls in the business between us we're fucking unstoppable with team i love you i love you so much what's your next date anything uh july 30th netflix

streaming my special that's it i'll book dates in a couple months take your time but hurry up cock suckers the lincoln the lincoln thee the next uh friday all best theater in the world saturday i met uh whatever but that's sold out but dc you got tons of tickets left all right i want to thank my beautiful whitneycomings i want to thank the christ killer but most importantly i want to thank you motherfuckers for always having our back don't forget about me they're right don't forget that what uncle joey told you in the beginning of the show some is here uncle joey's here you got to be a gentleman you got to clean your bumper before she sucks the fucking pelt tailpipe it's summer guys it's time to trim the fucking weeds and let the fucking tree stand tall like a fucking

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you little motherfuckers for always being there for me don't forget the 9th of august the lincoln theater in dc we still got a few tickets available the bogat is sold out and then the fucking friday the 13th in september i'm at the majestic theater in dallas smelling like gunpowder like the kennedys tickets are left and then the next night i'm at san antonio texas at the aztec theater i love you mother fuckers have a great week it's monday grab your fucking dick and go out there knock door to door you know what i'm saying tell him uncle joey sent you whitney comings the christ killer i love you take this fucking mule i want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart

some somebody twice as smart as i you or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company wait and see i mean i want to be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so and that's when i'll discover that revenge is sweet as i sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart