Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #706 - Joey Diaz on Respect

Episode Date: August 1, 2019

Joey Diaz talks with Lee about respect, and how when he was younger not having respect for himself or the world hurt his life. Joey and Lee also talk about how and why he started to respect things again, and how that has improved his life.  This podcast is brought to you by:  Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit.    Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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month it's the first and the rent is new motherfuckers it's fucking Thursday morning this is the type of music I put on the morning when I want to stab a motherfucker when I'm leaving the house ready to fucking take care of business this is the type of shit I put on this the almond brother's whipping post I remind myself that I'm a piece of shit I'm going after the earned what's coming to me understand me to earn to take back what fucking belongs to me anyway we got no guests it's Uncle Joey and the fucking crowd the crazy fucking Jew over here I want to talk to you people about something real

serious I'll get you in and out of here today I got things to do and people to see myself you know every couple weeks we do a one and we pick a topic and I tell you what topic has been lacking completely lately and it lacked for my life from a long fucking time and I had a little bit of it but it wasn't till I got burnt and realized I was a piece of shit without it that you don't even think about that word is called respect I'm not telling my respect like in the movies like on the Sopranos on a mafia movie that there's so much respect was the mafia they all read on each other was that respect my point is just a

respect of hat when I was younger I was taught to respect people with white hair you know older people and I did that I listened to my mother and I paid attention but I had no respect for society what did that mean I live fires I threw things out my window you know I fucking threw fucking rocks off the bridge in Union City when cars are going under the underpass I mean I had no respect and I was a kid and I was stupid and we all stupid when it comes to that point but I also had no respect when I turned 16 17 18 first one I didn't have respect for myself because I was doing drugs so when you're fucking

doing shit you're not supposed to be doing a thief and you have taken away the respect for yourself and once you take away the respect for yourself what's left here you're really gonna respect somebody who tells you to be there eight in the morning no because you took away the respect from your life by doing by crossing personal lines that you're not supposed to fucking cross so it's so weird how it took me going to jail it took me doing a lot of things to get that respect and it wasn't and if you I could say if you want me to tell you it was jail that took me respect it wasn't it was one thing it was the

religion that got me to where I am today and it's called comedy comedy taught me that you had to have so much respect I love when you guys put a get you know Johnny Watson or put Joe bananas on the show listen first of all I don't know these people I don't know these people I don't know but you invite somebody to your house you didn't know no I don't know these fucking people alright I got my little back cave here it's fenced off we got cameras here I don't want nobody here I don't want you don't want me your house I don't want you at my fucking house alright when I look at different comics that I bring in here they might

you might not agree with them because they're female they're male maybe they're prop act but I've known them a lot longer than you do and they gained my respect by something that they did do you think Rogan gained my respect by going to the UFC or he gained my respect because he could throw a kick or oh he he did DMT that's not how he got my respect he got my respect because when he was on the show making an enormous amount of money on NBC called news radio after he would tape on Fridays he would still come down to the comedy show to pick up his $15 check there's people that can't fucking walk after taping a

fucking TV show for 12 hours nevermind drive to the comedy store afterwards and do a $15 set why would you be making fucking I don't even know what he was making but why would you be that's when they were paying on sitcoms why would you be making all that money and then stop what you're doing and go to the comedy store for $15 that showed me a different type of respect that showed me that even when you get a TV show you have to continue grinding because if that show gets canceled then you're gonna be a fucking mutt you were too busy spending money hanging out with Jennifer Aniston at the fucking whatever you're a big

shot now but you turn your back on the most important thing which is comedy that's a complete different story respect it is huge when you become a comedian it's huge it becomes bigger why do you think I tell you motherfuckers to respect little things because little things become big things I've sat here with Lee and totally a thousand reasons why you eat the certain things you do as it's not even for your health that's how I started with respect you're from the East Coast how you gonna eat fucking was that pizza you used to go to stand online with those fucking Gentiles oh pizza ref how you gonna do that yeah and

you have to put your foot down as an East Coast and I'm not eating that I'm not eating that I don't care if it's the last pizza on earth I'm not eating and that's it and you don't eat it starts with little things you know little things of respect bro I will not even look at that motherfucker who played Charles Bronson the mechanic I think that was the biggest breach of disrespect in the history of fucking film and then to chop up the movie and you're sitting there going Joe are you fucking serious I am fucking serious I am fucking serious you know I have a dear dear dear dear friend listen to the podcast his name is

George his mom was a fucking tremendous cook rest in peace I loved it with all my heart let me tell you how fucking crazy I am okay when 1933 which made me 30 years old when I got serious about stand-up that was when I really really really jumped into stand-up was in 1993 I she asked me one day you know what do you want to eat or something she made a spaghetti and clam sauce I don't know what that she was half Panamanian in some else but didn't matter she made a spaghetti and clam sauce that would knock your fucking socks off the sauce was creamier than usual you ever get spaghetti and clam sauce it's like pasta

with a broth on top and they throw a bunch of clams that's not spaghetti and clam sauce that's some fucking malfunction that you fucking learn somewhere along the line you know it's got a lot of clams yeah but it's just a fucking chicken soup broth I'm talking about when it goes into the pasta when you bite the pasta these fucking idiots forgot what that is but anyway to make a long story short we're talking one day and she says to me that what do you want I want you to make me spaghetti and clam sauce all right so the next day I saw my buddy Chrissy fish and I asked him for a bag of muscle a bag of clams and he

gave me a beautiful bag of these fucking clams they were fucking fresh I just got them from the from the fish market he had just gotten from the fish market that morning took the fucking crabs I borrowed his truck I took the clams bought his truck drove to Mitzi's at about 12 o'clock she was just getting ready for her danical mitts here's the clams for the spaghetti and clam sauce boom she's like that fucking beautiful where'd you get these they were like those nice cherry stones whatever fuck I come back that night eight o'clock now listen I'm the type of dude that once you tell me you're making something that's

all I'm thinking about okay if you tell me you're gonna make me chicken cutlets with cream corn and mashed potatoes and I get over your house and there's a salad we don't talk that's not what was on the menu that's not how you got me here you lied to me I'll eat the chicken cutlets when I eat the salad but now I got to put you on a to watch list like you're a fucking terrorist because you fucked with my emotions all day I was thinking about those mashed potatoes and the fucking cranberry juice with the seltzer in it you know I'm saying then you have like fucking Diet Coke I need this what happened to the cranberry juice

with the cells anyway they make a long story short I get to fucking Mitzi's house late o'clock I stop I got off the bus and walk like a mile to get an extra piece of nice bread I get to a house I go Mitz and George was there I don't know George was there grandma was there I go Mitz what's up she goes I'm in the back help yourself it's beautiful now when I walked in I snout this weird odor right I snout this odor that I knew I did not like but it didn't matter because I was there for the spaghetti and clam sauce when I opened the pot to the spaghetti and clam sauce the odor hit me in my face and this the thing was like green I

slammed the thing down she came in she's like you're gonna get a plate I go Mitz what is this and she goes that's spaghetti and clam sauce but I tried a new recipe I put curry in it I fucking took my hat put it on I walked out of there and I didn't talk to her for probably two years after that that's how serious I am that she insulted me that dearly a couple years before that I went to Thanksgiving at some fucking bitches house over here some skinny little white bitch here in LA she was a casting director Thanksgiving at nine o'clock who has Thanksgiving at nine o'clock at night so all day long you

have to sit there and eat crackers by yourself I knew there was a rat but I had agreed to it and all my friends were gonna go up there so I went with these fucking morons my wife was my girlfriend at the time we had been dating for about two years she advised me not to do it the lights have Thanksgiving in the house me I was trying to be Johnny nice guy I get up there and she served those potatoes that come from a box you know those mashed potatoes instant mashed potatoes when I see instant mashed potatoes I think I'm prison and I think a papillon I think of bad situations in my life because I grew up I'm 56 years

old and I can tell you that seriously seriously I don't know anybody who ever used box mashed potatoes they're so easy to make why would you listen just shut up no I'm saying regular mashed potatoes are easy yeah oh sorry oh no no no tell me that the no no no no I'm not that lazy like I'm not gonna fucking talk to you like if you use mashed potatoes out of a box I can't come over to your house I really can't it's just a lack of respect like you just really you can't put a potato and boil it and chop it up even fucking mortadella over here just said it's easy to make mashed potatoes a little sour cream a little milk even

me that's a fucking the worst cook in the world I could put together mashed potatoes let me tell you something and then she stuffed the turkey no no it didn't end there it didn't end there like my blood pressure didn't fucking go over 2,000 years ago 20 years it had to be 15 years ago she was dating a guy named Vinnie a real fucking loser and I was planning on robbing Vinnie Vinnie had owed the government money and he was stashing 200 large in the trunk of his car and drive around with it oh no and then this girl was flapping her mouth telling people she didn't know I was ready to take this guy out he just had a

secured gate I had to figure out how to get to the secure gate and hide and then I would call her she come down with him and I clock him in the head but she's a nice kid she's from Texas you know she was like a Jersey girl I could set him up and we'd split the money because what the guy wasn't gonna say none the guy weighed 80 pounds and that's what if he had two rocks in his pocket I swear to God this is how broke I was at the time she told me one day she's like he has a lot of money because he owes the IRS money so he keeps in the trunk of his car I'm like that's all I needed to know I walked I walked over there a couple

nights in case to that he parked his car right next to the fucking sliding gate so all I had to do is wait for the gate to open slide and hide under the car was a little fat at the time so if I got under the fucking car it would have tipped it over like it happens it would have been fucking on two legs so I would have to hide behind the car with a pipe and hit him and make sure there was no cameras and dress in black and then I couldn't put my wife in on it so that means I had a walk I couldn't borrow her car you really thought this whole thing out oh yeah no no this is what people like me do so okay so they lived you

know when you make okay it's they lived on orange between Hollywood Boulevard and Franklin okay so the 101 has access right there all I got to do is go up fucking boom and I'm on the 101 that wasn't the problem I didn't want to do it in a car because the only car I had access to was see if I was in Jersey I could borrow any of my friends card not even tell him right let them get a call let them get surprised and they get mad at me and then it all goes away because it wasn't them I would switch the plates and get a different plate and borrow their car and I thought about doing the same thing with my wife it takes you 10

minutes to steal plates with me but you know the packages they stole from your house yeah you can steal plates in the fucking parking garage oh no just steal two plates put them on your fucking car because you're only going around the corner so you drive side streets but it was Terry's car and it was in her name and she didn't need the fucking dough so I just figured since they only lived about a mile from my house it was even easier I could bang them on the head take the package put it in my own bag drop his bag there with gloves walk out onto Franklin walk down Franklin to Highland and just hoof it

down the block to fucking Hollywood Boulevard there I am with 800 people good luck yeah this was way before technology and the face stuff and he wouldn't have caught me and he wouldn't have said nothing so what did you put it on turkey to make you hate him so much a fucking a duck I hope you've been a drunken drunken and I didn't get the surprise so I tasted it and it tasted like fucking somebody's asshole so I put the fork down and probably I was ready to start fucking crying and my wife saw me that I was ready to cry so I basically got up and went outside and smoked like 18 cigarettes because I was

so angry and I grabbed my wife and I said let's get the fuck out of here the point is I didn't talk to Stacy from November of that year to like the following June and when she called me I was still so mad like she kept calling me she kept calling me like why isn't you talking to me what's the problem and when I was I was all fucked up and she called me and I saw it was her and she kept I don't know how I knew what she wanted oh when she called me she goes I need to know why you are so angry at me I go what you need to do is got a cook book and I hung up on it and I hung up on it that's how pissed off I was at it

because I know her really well I love her to death but I thought that she knew better she's from fucking Texas who makes fucking mashed potatoes out of a box in Texas that's what happens to white people from Texas when they come up here they start hanging with these fucking granola heads and these fucking these non-gluten head motherfuckers and then they become soft I've seen it a thousand times some Texans are fucking tough to the death I love Texans I ain't saying nothing bad about Texans but she's one of those Texans that's like from Houston from the yuppie side you know they jump up and down and all that shit I still

love her I still talk to her three times a week I break the balls but my point is that little things become big things little things become big things and it's a joke for some people and it's a joke but I take it that seriously because if I didn't take the little things that seriously I wouldn't take the big things that seriously you know when you become a comedian there's there's different protocols that you have to do and you have to respect and if you go outside those protocols then we have nothing it's like everything else in life you know I love the UFC I love to watch fights who doesn't who doesn't want to

see a fight but I'll tell you what I didn't like I didn't like the UFC when they started with the trash talking because like I've always said what Lisa I act to get away with and what Joe Diaz to get away with is two different things with Joe Diaz to get away with Joe Rogan to get away with is to come three completely different things so even with the UFC that little lack of respect and no disrespect from it started with child son in and this and silver and if you look and listen to the tapes and whatever as much as I like channel there was some awkward things said that you know listen you want to

call me fat ugly you went to prison that's that's understandable I put that out there so these are my choices once you go beyond that barrier then it becomes personal and now you're baiting me and now I understand what you're doing psychologically didn't work for channel you know it didn't work for fucking McGregor against Khabib you know it just it's a respect thing you know Mazvedal got asked the same thing a couple weeks ago when he gave his answer and I put over it that it was white privilege and people got pissed off at me I wasn't it's the truth some people could say some things and some

well let's let's just do this let's nobody say nothing let's nobody say nothing let's go back to being gentlemen and we won't have this fucking problem there's somewhere it's a martial art there has to be a respect there's something I hate more anything in life more than anything in life when I go to a martial arts class and it only happens in California when I was in Jersey as a kid as a child where do you think I got that thing is from you couldn't be you had a if a martial arts class started for you had to be there at 345 not 355 not 350 not 351 not 348 345 you had to go in the bag take your slippers off put your

fucking gi on or if you walk them with your gi you see those fat little kids with a gear on the McDonald's after class and you want to smack the parents take the gear off now everybody knows your little fat fag it takes karate they gonna pick on him even one it's unbelievable take the fucking gear off you got him in the fucking McDonald's with a karate suit on like he's fucking bunk hung home take the fucking suit off right give the kid a break he looks like a dummy as it is now you got a karate suit on the fucking kid in a fucking Burger King your fucking mutt anyway so I don't know some fucking

Chinaman I don't fucking know what are you bothering me for you know he's sure he dressed up like the Korean dictator at fucking Dan Tanner's with that fucking Eddie Munster suit on you need that shit in your life just wear the cloak and bow that's all you need to do fucking it's serious so you broke my fucking train the dog suckers so what I'm trying to say is here yeah you had to get there early to get you know you gotta get there early you know in California these people walk in after the warm-ups they walk in during the warm-ups oh god forbid there's a celebrity in the class you gotta see how he

acts you think he does the warm-up no he'll take he'll take two hair barbells and start doing curls just to show that he's a celebrity that's why most of the celebrities just the fucking teachers tell them they got to do privates because they can do whatever the fuck you want if remember if you book a prayer with John Jock it's 400 hours an hour if you show up at 10 after 4 that's 10 minutes out of your time he's still gonna stop the fucking thing at 5 4 o'clock he's only gonna give you a dead hour and that's a respect you have to give people but most importantly it's a respect that you give around you let me tell you

something comedy I've had a few fallouts of people but it's just like life it's just like I know the people listen to the podcast are very nice people but I know that you don't like some of the people in your office I know that maybe your boss you don't like them we're not programmed to like everybody God wants us to love everybody and we do in a sense until they rear-end us and then they got no insurance you know I'm saying so they rear-end you they got no insurance you're gonna get fucking pissed off Adam but you can respect everyone doesn't mean you have to like them absolutely absolutely so just listen

there's a thousand comics I don't want to hang out with I don't want to take them to dinner I basically I barely want to see them at the club but I respect them for what they did I knew about a situation in their life where they were down just like every other fucking comic and they took a pot a negative and turned it into a positive you know I could tell you 30 of those fucking stories and why these people are my personal heroes from Felipe Esparza to Kevin Hart to Bill Burr you know I saw these guys in a flip moment 10 years ago you came to me when Kevin Hart show failed on ABC and told me he was gonna

sell more tickets than any fucking band in the fucking world last year I'd say to you I could see it and I wish it does but I can't see it but he knew something I didn't when I saw Bill Burr after the show got canceled in 98 and he was upset that this was the biggest shot of his life and it's blown I under you know I knew at first off when Bill Burr told me that I knew his world wasn't over there was no fucking way I just know it he was too funny even back fucking then he was hysterical so I knew his world wasn't over he regrouped took a plan and now you have to give him the respect he fucking deserves just

cuz you may not like a fucking comic well I saw a special and he see you could name me any comic and I'll show you a certain respect level that I have for them Jim Carrey I'm not a big fucking Jim Carrey fan oh yeah I'm a fan of his first fucking two movies but after that I heard a couple things I've seen him a couple times he put me on his TV show I'm not a big Jim Carrey fan as a fucking like I'm supposed to fall over myself like most people are but I will tell you fucking that he lived in a van for a long time with his fucking family and that every dime he has today he deserves for what he went through I know

what it is to sleep in a van I know it is to sleep in a park I know what it is to sleep in a fucking apartment I know what it is to sleep in a house you know when I went on the road with Joe Rogan I know what it is to sleep on the four seasons and I also know what it is to go on the road on the triple run and know how to sleep on a Motel 6 that smells like fucking you know like you're in fucking Baghdad you know between the gunpowder and the sandal dust you don't know what's worst you know so my point is that you get to respect certain people even if you don't like them for what they've done you know when you get when

you have when you're a comedian you get certain times like when Lee goes with me in the ice house last week Lee got 10 minutes Rachel got 15 you know now you get a thing called the light Lee the guy will come up to Lee and Lee how many minutes you're doing Lee a look at me I'll give him 10 give Rachel 20 and I'll give me a light at 40 okay when that light comes on that means to wrap it the fuck up that means no matter where you were wrap it the fuck up listen if you do 11 and destroy them if you do 13 and the place looks like the fucking garlic festival you know running out like Godzilla's showing up right I'm not

mad at you oh that's a good thing okay you know it when I go on stage if I got light at 40 and I do and I'm supposed to get off at 50 and I do 56 I'm not really mad at me at all like I understand those things you're in a momentum type era it's when I give Lee the light and he not he doesn't just wrap it up but he starts another bit another bit right and he'll do 21 and yeah he did okay and I'm proud of him at all but he did something along the line that you're not supposed to do he went over his light okay so when you go over your light you're telling me as a comic that you really don't give a fuck about

you or the rest of the show let me tell you something I know when I'm fucking bombing nobody has to tell me when I did New Orleans this year I felt I wasn't getting the reception maybe my timing was off the humidity I failed you guys you know when I went to Charlotte I had good sets and when I went to Columbus I had great sets but last night I ate two dicks I went out to the comedy store I did Rogan show didn't really connect with them and the original room I didn't really connect with them either I get that I'm gonna tell you what I don't like if I'm having a bad set just out it just out of your time don't stay up there

and make it worse and run the light and then ruin the show for you them and the comics behind you because you're part of something bigger than you when you go up there and run the light you're telling me that you don't give a fuck about us that you don't give a fuck about the other comics well listen I'm not gonna lie to you when I was a feature act and I be went to the comedy store and I got really good at featuring what's really good as featuring a deadly 25 I had a deadly 25 if you gave me 35 I wouldn't even be close and how good I was I had that 25 minute spot to a fucking death sentence and from the 21st

minute to the 28th or the 29th look from the 21st minute to the 25th you were gonna roll you were gonna die now there was a couple clubs I was going to where the owner would pull me aside and say listen this headliner tonight is gonna have a hard time following you I want you to whip him a little bit because he sucks dick and he's been asking me for more money so if you whip him a little bit I did that and I got to tell you something that I didn't know then but I know now or I realized years later that was wrong that was wrong because I shouldn't have been going up there as a feature act and trying to steal the show

a couple of weeks ago Lee asked me what was the difference between going on the road and doing a show at the comedy store and I said when I go on the road I go to give you a show when I go to the comedy store I go to be remembered I did not say I'm going there to take over the show or to be the funniest guy but I say those words no no I said to be remembered what does that mean to do the best I could do to believe my heart on the fucking stage and to make you laugh okay when I'm bailing when I'm dying was that light comes on I know I died I know I failed you as a comic and I felt myself as a comic I feel bad

enough I'm getting the fuck off there but you ever go to a room where the guy is bombing or the woman is bombing and she gets a light and then she extends it and now you just you just you ever nail the coffin all the way around the coffins already shut now you just nail in the middle the fuck with the guy like to be to be like a Chinese torture bed or whatever the fuck they call like a better nails that's disrespectful because you're really ruining the show I'm gonna tell you guys something okay right off the bat and I don't know what you guys think like right now they're getting me that they want me to add second shows to

these theaters and I don't want to do it and I'll tell you why because I don't get to see you guys after the show I don't like to show nights because I cannot shake your hand the shows we have so much little time in between shows that they need to seat and I don't it's just too crowded in these comedy clubs I stick around for the second show and I shake hands I take pictures when I go to a theater I come out the reason why I'm not adding an extra shows in the Borgata is because of that I don't want to you guys sold that out in the fucking week what am I gonna do let you guys come in for the early show I want to come

out there I want to walk around I want to gamble a little bit I want to talk some shit you know now when I do those two show nights let me tell you something if you came to Columbus or you came to Charlotte this year any of my shows you guys know that when I finish at 52 or 56 I still got another 15 minutes left you do know that I got another 15 minutes left especially if I open up with material out of the air and I buy myself time I got another 15 minutes left that I could give you but I can't give it to you do you know why because there's people outside standing online and they could be out there in the fucking rain

and you ever show up somewhere and there's a long line and like what's going on well the comic went late so now the show's gonna run late now these poor fucking people are standing outside so yeah by me doing some more time and you guys getting a longer show I'm fucking the people in the second show because I'm making them stand out there like fucking mooks on the middle of street Lisa yet do I stand online anywhere no I refuse I don't I don't need to go there that bad when I fly I have clear that's to avoid the line when I fly I cut what I tell you guys when I got first-class ticket or not I got on

the first-class line there's always three people on there I don't give a fuck I'm not standing on that fucking line and if you don't let me in I'll leave for an hour when I come back and try it again but I'll stand I don't want to stand online me going to Austin to stand online for barbecue you got a better chance of seeing your mom in a high school porno then fucking thinking I'm gonna go to Austin to stand online for your fucking meat you're out of your fucking mind you better hire more people or fucking get your productivity levels up but me standing online is not a cool fucking thing for me it never has

and if you like standing online you know what you better rethink your fucking life I don't want to stand online so I know when I'm on stage I got extra fucking time but guess what I gotta respect those people out there and you know what out of respect I'll give them the same 54-minute show because I don't want to know it nothing like I don't want you to bump into one of them and to one of them to say well he did an hour and 15 oh fuck he only did 52 with us he went it was so fast so I'm always thinking about the respect the respect factor I didn't have that train of thought when I was a fucking civilian I didn't give a

fuck about nothing fences doors windows I didn't give a fuck about rules but for you to get anywhere in life it starts with responsibility and responsibilities cousins to respect responsibility is a direct cousin to fucking respect because without responsibility you won't have no respect without respect you won't have no fucking responsibility I could say to you guys you know what I'm coming to fucking double god DC next week the Lincoln the Lincoln theater do I have to get on stage tonight I don't have to do shit I could go into fucking Lincoln into DC next Friday without doing a fucking set till then

they take my chances and I don't really give a fuck whether you like me or not or whether you're happy or not do you think I would do something like that to you guys not at all I'm doing two shows tomorrow night I'm doing a show Sunday night and I'll do two shows Tuesday night then I get on a plane so I'll do I'll do another show Thursday night so I'm ready for you guys and I'm not saying I'm not gonna bomb I might bomb the percentages on the wall but guess what I bombed twice last night so I got those two bombs out of the way for the fucking week or two you know what I'm saying so that's my percentages I don't have to get on stage I don't even have to write do you think I would do that to you guys I want to show up

there so you guys can go last time he was here he said that joke but I didn't hear that that whole new first dirty was all fucking new that's called respect you know what guys I get calls from fucking people all the time Joey your ticket price is too low why don't the fuck you do your ticket price is high you could you could charge 45 dollars you could do this first of all somebody tweeted me something yesterday that they paid for a fucking ticket they got an 18 that dollar fucking service fee do you think I make any money out of that service fee do you think I'm happy about that 18 fucking dollars on top of what they charge you mean to play that fucking theater no I'm not happy about it but there's nothing we could do it's a cost to do in business

Pearl Jam went to war with fucking ticket master in the 90s a lot of yous were too young to remember and they lost and they could only do four ticket master shows a year and they had to go on tour with fucking different bands and it was a nightmare oh what would you want me to play some fucking rock and roll club were you gonna get hit in the head with a fucking bottle so I got no fucking choice yeah I could go back to the club and after I saw the $18 service charge I will go back to a club and guess what I'll keep my tickets moderately why it's called respect I'm not waiting if I charge you 45 what's that gonna do it's not gonna make me a break me it's not gonna turn me into a fucking multi-millionaire so why would I break you because I know in my heart that you

have a babysitter you have drinks before a restaurant you have so many hidden costs beside that $30 ticket parking a condom you know whatever the fuck you there's cost so if I fucking say yeah $48 50 I saw some ticket prices this year for shit that I almost fucking died I almost fucking died I don't know how these fucking people could sleep at night I see listen the stones they want 900 they deserve 900 that's 50 years bitch when you're doing something 50 years whether it's sucking dick or playing fucking the drums I'll give you fucking 900 a ticket you know I'm saying they want like 900 a ticket the stones deserve it but I see ticket prices that I don't know how people could sleep at night when I go to a Dodger game do you know how guilty I feel

because I know the normal family of four cannot go to these games at these ticket prices unless they sit with animals and so their two little kids gotta hear fuck shit cocksuck a cunt fat fuck pitch or fucking night and smoke pot and see syringes you never know what the fuck you're gonna see at these stadiums again head with a bottle so the normal american family you know when I was a kid you know how guilty I feel that I went to 200 fucking nick games growing up minimum 200 nick games I don't know how many fucking concerts I went to 1250 a ticket 850 a ticket five dollars a ticket now a fucking lakin game is $300 a family of four what are you gonna get $1200 for from plus $50 to park plus that $18 hot dog that's not respecting your fans

that's not respecting nothing that's just going you see what we we we get robbed at every fucking level of our day whether it's flying there's always that hidden fucking fee you know so respect to me has always has been all around this game whether it's doing my time on stage listen man I can look you's all on the face and tell you in 22 years I ran the light one time at the comedy store there was a month ago I didn't I saw the light I thought I saw it I didn't see you know how many joints I smoke on a day I didn't know what I fucking saw you know how many times I've come off before I even saw the light because people have flashed yeah a picture at me and I thought it was a light like you know so I've been in all those places but I ran the light for the

first time in 22 years at the store a month ago on a Saturday night at 915 because I was closing the show I didn't really know how much distance I had that was the first time ever nobody's ever had to come up to me and say something to me nobody's had to come up to me that's and I and you know what if you know anything about me I'm the type of guy that would do 25 and walk off and go what the fuck are you looking at but that really wouldn't make me a comic as it is already I'm not part of the team you don't see my pictures that have these joints nobody talks to me I don't get invited to festivals the only one that invites me to festivals is my fucking man Jay and fucking crazy man the fucking Louis Jake Gomez don't be awesome fan you think I get invited to

the big sky festival all these little festivals will I go anyway not really but you know I'm saying I mean nobody thinks to me for that shoot which is good because I won't go anyway but that that's big for me so where I mean I know it's gonna you're gonna say respect but going back 40 years you were breaking into things and now like so what what change happened that now you feel bad for people because they can't afford to go to a doctor like like that's a big switch when I didn't have respect for myself I obviously didn't have respect for nothing around me okay as I got older as I saw the loser that I was it was proven to me I know for a fact that when I started respecting things I came around more as a human being than what I was

you know to some people I joke around I was in bad shape guys from the ages of 19 to 31 or 32 I was not a normal individual I did a lot of bad things I robbed a lot of things I robbed fucking Christmas I mean it didn't stop my fingers I was sticky fingers I know what it is to be sticky fingered you know it would make my dick get hard I don't know why I don't know why does it make my dick get hard like that to let no I goof around I tell you guys I robbed lives and sell and I don't have the heart I know it's bad karma whatever for years I had no respect for anything through the years from doing comedy I learned respect I learned how cheering against somebody is not good you know when they're on stage you cheer for them to do well you cheer for

your friends the comics around you you know you help other comics the people that are around you you throw them gigs are you give them a sheet of paper with a bunch of booker's numbers on it you know when I started people would give me booker's numbers constantly here you go man call them do the work call them send the tape call them you know uh so because of that respect I got in the comedy world it taught me something like it just taught me to tighten my game and the respect that I had to have for people you know like I said just because I don't agree with your politics if you did something like I don't like politics but one of my favorite guy in politics is Russ Perot God rest his soul I respect something

that he did he went to an American family that their family had gotten kidnapped and I ran or one of those countries in 80 something 70s and he told him he promised him he'd be home by Christmas day and he kept his promise that's what a man does that's that made me respect him you know I went to prison I don't I don't I'm it pities me it makes me sad when we give people respect who did something disrespectful kind of in a way to get to where they were or if I was still selling coke or I was a thief or I still burnt people and I wouldn't deserve your respect but because of the time I put in the years of sacrifice the sleeping on Greyhound buses you know this was this was not I mean you guys have been posting pictures of me in scare tactics

and today somebody posted a picture of me in something old it's not like I just popped up on YouTube one day and I'm a YouTube sensation I've been busting my own doing this is 1991 and that means something that really means something even today if I was doing comedy and I was still fighting for my life and bars with Lee and getting $200 a night and all that type of shit guess what guys I would still respect myself the way I am now for two putting in the work and sticking with it you know what man when you come to me and you say you quit because you didn't think you had the chops I'll tell you what the truth of the matter is over the years I've met people in this town that I've had deep philosophical deep conversations I gave them

hours of my time I gave them hours of my soul I turned them on to things and one day I bumped into them and they go I don't do comedy no more was I mad at them not at all was I upset with them I don't know what their situation is you know I bumped into Stephanie Escajada Stephanie Escajada used to be Duncan's girl from very funny comic she got sick for a while she got back she fell in love and she got married I've always loved Stephanie Escajada me and Stephanie Escajada went to fucking La Jolla we used to go together as a pair as a couple like not as a couple couple but she was my feature actor I would take her down and she's left the living room and she's a Spanish girl came from great stock of families of doctors in Mexico and

they ran a hospital just great phenomenal woman fucking guess what man she met a guy and they fell in love and she got knocked up and she had a kid he's a writer and if you watch tv at night she's in every two commercial breaks she's in a fucking commercial when I bumped into her I gave her a hug I gave her a kiss I got in the car was I mad at her for quitting because she goes I don't go down anymore I gave it up she goes I miss it she goes I still write jokes and I still tell myself I'm gonna go up but she's like Joey I'm a mom did I get mad at her no I didn't get mad at her at all was I disappointed no I wasn't disappointed at all guess what she's still booking commercials she's still taking what she learned that the comics store and applying her

trade and every time I see her on tv I fucking cheer for her you know but I bumped into people that came here and they and I'm not saying they took something from you personally they took 10 minutes of your time I saw them at the store talking to rogue and I saw them asking questions here and one day out of nowhere left field they're like I quit comedy be a producer I can't deal with you because you put so much time into it you put so much time into it in the last fucking minute you just gave it all up did I lose respect for you listen no no no not at all but I lost I lost it's a little bit of respect for you not that I won't talk to you not that I won't help you if you're in a jam

but I lost a little bit of respect for you because of how you're gonna feel if you don't think I feel terrible about myself for what I did when I was 15 years old when I quit basketball you got nothing coming one confession I can make to you guys is that I was just recently I recently got comfortable watching basketball again maybe 10 years ago for years I didn't even watch the NBA I didn't even watch college because even though I turned out to be fucking five ten and five hundred fucking pounds I was still mad at myself for quitting basketball when I was 15 years old till this day I'm still mad at a couple things that I did I never forgave myself I never forgave myself over quitting karate I never forgave myself over quitting basketball

you know a couple things but those are the most two because I just gave up on them that was the type of person I was then I had no respect for myself I just gave up one day just gave up just gave up no fight no nothing I put an end date and I gave it up and I'm late I stuck to the end date you know at least I was good about that I respected the date for karate was February 19 1979 and that's a day my my life changed forever my fucking mother died six months later and for fucking basketball I don't know what I quit basketball like that was it once freshman year ended I was so fucking upset that I just quit I just quit completely and started doing drugs if you don't think I lost respect over myself with it took me years to gain self-respect and even with comedy you think

when I did the longest yard I had self-respect I was still a sack of shit even though I accomplished something that a few people could accomplish without an agent sending a tape and going in there taking what was mine because I didn't take no for a fucking answer I didn't give a fuck if they like big pussy or serigoo so whatever the fuck they want it they're not comics and they never fucking and that was the first time in my mind that I really gained respect because I said to myself fuck that they're not taking that from me that belongs to me and I'm gonna get it one way or the other and I fucking got it did that does that make me better than you not at all not at all I'm still that fucking guy that quit basketball and quit fucking karate and was robbing and stuff

like that it made it a little better what gave me the respect that I have for myself today is that I stuck with comedy and I stuck with it when I was in the lowest lowest part of my life when I had to walk away from a daughter and living in a fucking basement and sleeping in a car and through all that I saw something and today I could live with myself a lot better than I did when I was fucking dirty how's that one for you so whatever you're trying to do in your life I know we spoke about frustration and respect should be in there too learn what you should respect which should be everything which should be everything I mean I'm at the point of 80 percent I respect things now socially and around me I can't respect that 20 percent because it wouldn't make me a

comic it's like I told Lydia down the phone in the daytime he's mush that's his name take a look at him smile for the camera that's mush when he gets on stage he's Lisa at he eats ass he sucked cock if he has to jump off the building you know when I'm walking around the daytime now I'm just Joey Diaz I'm just Joey Diaz and I have a child and I talk to my wife and I love my wife and we have coffee in the morning and we try to hang out at night when I go on stage I'm Joey Coco Diaz and I'm I'm kind of responsible for what he says but I don't want to be responsible for what he says because that's what makes me fucking dangerous so thank you for listening thank you for taking the time and I hope this conversation helped you a little bit before we go do not forget next Friday

I'm at the Lincoln Theater and Saturday I'm at the Bogart it's all sold out I can't ready I can't wait to see you motherfuckers I just added the 24th to August to the ice house a little workout before my Labor Day weekend and we got San Antonio we got Dallas we got Chicago at the Chicago Theater go to Joey Diaz.net for all your dates real quick before you leave listen I talked here at the beginning of the show about a few things I want to reiterate here I want to talk to you guys about Upstart okay listen I know you're at that age you got out of college or listen most of us have found out the hard way getting out getting into debt is easy getting out of debt is the hard part especially if your FICO score isn't just great thankfully there's Upstart.com what Upstart.com

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do me a favor Lincoln Theater next uh Friday night the 9th of August there's still tickets available and that's it and that's that we'll see you bright narrowly Monday morning tip top motherfucking Magoo ready to get you started for another week all right I love you cock suckers stay black and see you Monday morning ready to go kick this motherfucking muley yeah is it my turn to wish you were lying here I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping oh

is it my turn to buy hands tell you I love you is it my turn to totally understand to watch you walk out of my life so baby anything Yeah, baby, since I've died without you

Since I've died without you Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done But now I'm under water and I'm drowning It's my turn to be the one to cry Is it really amazing how something's completely turned around? So take a little piece of my heart And piece of my soul And piece of my soul

Take a little piece of my mind Cause if you're gone It's alright, I'll die without you Music I can't get away Every feeling that I feel I'm a sacrifice Whatever, baby, whatever, baby

But to take a fall Oh, that I, oh Is there anything that I would not do Since I've died without you Cause since I've died without you Cause since I've died without you Since I've died without you Since I've died without you

Since I've died without you Yeah, baby, I'm inside, and I would love to do the same I'm inside, I'm inside, and I would love to do the same