Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #706 - Joey Diaz on Respect
Episode Date: August 1, 2019Joey Diaz talks with Lee about respect, and how when he was younger not having respect for himself or the world hurt his life. Joey and Lee also talk about how and why he started to respect things ...again, and how that has improved his life. This podcast is brought to you by: Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit.  Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Â
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are you kidding me Thursday morning August 1st wash your pussy and salute the
flag motherfuckers it's a whole new fucking day and a whole that new fucking
month it's the first and the rent is new motherfuckers
it's fucking Thursday morning this is the type of music I put on the morning
when I want to stab a motherfucker when I'm leaving the house ready to fucking
take care of business this is the type of shit I put on this the almond brother's
whipping post I remind myself that I'm a piece of shit I'm going after the
earned what's coming to me understand me to earn to take back what fucking
belongs to me anyway we got no guests it's Uncle Joey and the fucking crowd the
crazy fucking Jew over here I want to talk to you people about something real
serious I'll get you in and out of here today I got things to do and people to
see myself you know every couple weeks we do a one and we pick a topic and I
tell you what topic has been lacking completely lately and it lacked for my
life from a long fucking time and I had a little bit of it but it wasn't till I
got burnt and realized I was a piece of shit without it that you don't even
think about that word is called respect I'm not telling my respect like in the
movies like on the Sopranos on a mafia movie that there's so much respect was
the mafia they all read on each other was that respect my point is just a
respect of hat when I was younger I was taught to respect people with white
hair you know older people and I did that I listened to my mother and I
paid attention but I had no respect for society what did that mean I live
fires I threw things out my window you know I fucking threw fucking rocks off
the bridge in Union City when cars are going under the underpass I mean I had
no respect and I was a kid and I was stupid and we all stupid when it comes
to that point but I also had no respect when I turned 16 17 18 first one I
didn't have respect for myself because I was doing drugs so when you're fucking
doing shit you're not supposed to be doing a thief and you have taken away
the respect for yourself and once you take away the respect for yourself
what's left here you're really gonna respect somebody who tells you to be
there eight in the morning no because you took away the respect from your life
by doing by crossing personal lines that you're not supposed to fucking cross so
it's so weird how it took me going to jail it took me doing a lot of things to
get that respect and it wasn't and if you I could say if you want me to tell you
it was jail that took me respect it wasn't it was one thing it was the
religion that got me to where I am today and it's called comedy comedy taught me
that you had to have so much respect I love when you guys put a get you know
Johnny Watson or put Joe bananas on the show listen first of all I don't know
these people I don't know these people I don't know but you invite somebody to
your house you didn't know no I don't know these fucking people alright I got
my little back cave here it's fenced off we got cameras here I don't want nobody
here I don't want you don't want me your house I don't want you at my fucking
house alright when I look at different comics that I bring in here they might
you might not agree with them because they're female they're male maybe they're
prop act but I've known them a lot longer than you do and they gained my
respect by something that they did do you think Rogan gained my respect by going
to the UFC or he gained my respect because he could throw a kick or oh he
he did DMT that's not how he got my respect he got my respect because when
he was on the show making an enormous amount of money on NBC called news
radio after he would tape on Fridays he would still come down to the comedy show
to pick up his $15 check there's people that can't fucking walk after taping a
fucking TV show for 12 hours nevermind drive to the comedy store afterwards
and do a $15 set why would you be making fucking I don't even know what he was
making but why would you be that's when they were paying on sitcoms why would
you be making all that money and then stop what you're doing and go to the
comedy store for $15 that showed me a different type of respect that showed me
that even when you get a TV show you have to continue grinding because if that
show gets canceled then you're gonna be a fucking mutt you were too busy spending
money hanging out with Jennifer Aniston at the fucking whatever you're a big
shot now but you turn your back on the most important thing which is comedy
that's a complete different story respect it is huge when you become a
comedian it's huge it becomes bigger why do you think I tell you motherfuckers to
respect little things because little things become big things I've sat here
with Lee and totally a thousand reasons why you eat the certain things you do
as it's not even for your health that's how I started with respect you're from
the East Coast how you gonna eat fucking was that pizza you used to go to stand
online with those fucking Gentiles oh pizza ref how you gonna do that yeah and
you have to put your foot down as an East Coast and I'm not eating that I'm not
eating that I don't care if it's the last pizza on earth I'm not eating and
that's it and you don't eat it starts with little things you know little things
of respect bro I will not even look at that motherfucker who played Charles
Bronson the mechanic I think that was the biggest breach of disrespect in the
history of fucking film and then to chop up the movie and you're sitting there
going Joe are you fucking serious I am fucking serious I am fucking serious you
know I have a dear dear dear dear friend listen to the podcast his name is
George his mom was a fucking tremendous cook rest in peace I loved it with all
my heart let me tell you how fucking crazy I am okay when 1933 which made me
30 years old when I got serious about stand-up that was when I really really
really jumped into stand-up was in 1993 I she asked me one day you know what do
you want to eat or something she made a spaghetti and clam sauce I don't know
what that she was half Panamanian in some else but didn't matter she made a
spaghetti and clam sauce that would knock your fucking socks off the sauce was
creamier than usual you ever get spaghetti and clam sauce it's like pasta
with a broth on top and they throw a bunch of clams that's not spaghetti and
clam sauce that's some fucking malfunction that you fucking learn
somewhere along the line you know it's got a lot of clams yeah but it's just a
fucking chicken soup broth I'm talking about when it goes into the pasta when
you bite the pasta these fucking idiots forgot what that is but anyway to make a
long story short we're talking one day and she says to me that what do you want
I want you to make me spaghetti and clam sauce all right so the next day I saw
my buddy Chrissy fish and I asked him for a bag of muscle a bag of clams and he
gave me a beautiful bag of these fucking clams they were fucking fresh I just got
them from the from the fish market he had just gotten from the fish market that
morning took the fucking crabs I borrowed his truck I took the clams
bought his truck drove to Mitzi's at about 12 o'clock she was just getting
ready for her danical mitts here's the clams for the spaghetti and clam sauce
boom she's like that fucking beautiful where'd you get these they were like
those nice cherry stones whatever fuck I come back that night eight o'clock now
listen I'm the type of dude that once you tell me you're making something that's
all I'm thinking about okay if you tell me you're gonna make me chicken cutlets
with cream corn and mashed potatoes and I get over your house and there's a salad
we don't talk that's not what was on the menu that's not how you got me here you
lied to me I'll eat the chicken cutlets when I eat the salad but now I got to
put you on a to watch list like you're a fucking terrorist because you fucked
with my emotions all day I was thinking about those mashed potatoes and the
fucking cranberry juice with the seltzer in it you know I'm saying then
you have like fucking Diet Coke I need this what happened to the cranberry juice
with the cells anyway they make a long story short I get to fucking Mitzi's
house late o'clock I stop I got off the bus and walk like a mile to get an extra
piece of nice bread I get to a house I go Mitz and George was there I don't know
George was there grandma was there I go Mitz what's up she goes I'm in the back
help yourself it's beautiful now when I walked in I snout this weird odor right
I snout this odor that I knew I did not like but it didn't matter because I was
there for the spaghetti and clam sauce when I opened the pot to the spaghetti and
clam sauce the odor hit me in my face and this the thing was like green I
slammed the thing down she came in she's like you're gonna get a plate I go
Mitz what is this and she goes that's spaghetti and clam sauce but I tried a
new recipe I put curry in it I fucking took my hat put it on I walked out of
there and I didn't talk to her for probably two years after that that's how
serious I am that she insulted me that dearly a couple years before that I
went to Thanksgiving at some fucking bitches house over here some skinny
little white bitch here in LA she was a casting director Thanksgiving at nine
o'clock who has Thanksgiving at nine o'clock at night so all day long you
have to sit there and eat crackers by yourself I knew there was a rat but I
had agreed to it and all my friends were gonna go up there so I went with these
fucking morons my wife was my girlfriend at the time we had been dating for about
two years she advised me not to do it the lights have Thanksgiving in the house
me I was trying to be Johnny nice guy I get up there and she served those
potatoes that come from a box you know those mashed potatoes instant mashed
potatoes when I see instant mashed potatoes I think I'm prison and I think
a papillon I think of bad situations in my life because I grew up I'm 56 years
old and I can tell you that seriously seriously I don't know anybody who ever
used box mashed potatoes they're so easy to make why would you listen just shut
up no I'm saying regular mashed potatoes are easy yeah oh sorry oh no no no tell
me that the no no no no I'm not that lazy like I'm not gonna fucking talk to
you like if you use mashed potatoes out of a box I can't come over to your house
I really can't it's just a lack of respect like you just really you can't put
a potato and boil it and chop it up even fucking mortadella over here just
said it's easy to make mashed potatoes a little sour cream a little milk even
me that's a fucking the worst cook in the world I could put together mashed
potatoes let me tell you something and then she stuffed the turkey no no it
didn't end there it didn't end there like my blood pressure didn't fucking go
over 2,000 years ago 20 years it had to be 15 years ago she was dating a guy
named Vinnie a real fucking loser and I was planning on robbing Vinnie Vinnie had
owed the government money and he was stashing 200 large in the trunk of his
car and drive around with it oh no and then this girl was flapping her mouth
telling people she didn't know I was ready to take this guy out he just had a
secured gate I had to figure out how to get to the secure gate and hide and then
I would call her she come down with him and I clock him in the head but she's a
nice kid she's from Texas you know she was like a Jersey girl I could set him
up and we'd split the money because what the guy wasn't gonna say none the guy
weighed 80 pounds and that's what if he had two rocks in his pocket I swear to
God this is how broke I was at the time she told me one day she's like he has a
lot of money because he owes the IRS money so he keeps in the trunk of his
car I'm like that's all I needed to know I walked I walked over there a couple
nights in case to that he parked his car right next to the fucking sliding
gate so all I had to do is wait for the gate to open slide and hide under the
car was a little fat at the time so if I got under the fucking car it would have
tipped it over like it happens it would have been fucking on two legs so I would
have to hide behind the car with a pipe and hit him and make sure there was no
cameras and dress in black and then I couldn't put my wife in on it so that
means I had a walk I couldn't borrow her car you really thought this whole thing
out oh yeah no no this is what people like me do so okay so they lived you
know when you make okay it's they lived on orange between Hollywood Boulevard
and Franklin okay so the 101 has access right there all I got to do is go up
fucking boom and I'm on the 101 that wasn't the problem I didn't want to do
it in a car because the only car I had access to was see if I was in Jersey I
could borrow any of my friends card not even tell him right let them get a call
let them get surprised and they get mad at me and then it all goes away because
it wasn't them I would switch the plates and get a different plate and borrow
their car and I thought about doing the same thing with my wife it takes you 10
minutes to steal plates with me but you know the packages they stole from your
house yeah you can steal plates in the fucking parking garage oh no just
steal two plates put them on your fucking car because you're only going
around the corner so you drive side streets but it was Terry's car and it
was in her name and she didn't need the fucking dough so I just figured since
they only lived about a mile from my house it was even easier I could bang
them on the head take the package put it in my own bag drop his bag there with
gloves walk out onto Franklin walk down Franklin to Highland and just hoof it
down the block to fucking Hollywood Boulevard there I am with 800 people
good luck yeah this was way before technology and the face stuff and he
wouldn't have caught me and he wouldn't have said nothing so what did you put it
on turkey to make you hate him so much a fucking a duck I hope you've been a
drunken drunken and I didn't get the surprise so I tasted it and it tasted
like fucking somebody's asshole so I put the fork down and probably I was
ready to start fucking crying and my wife saw me that I was ready to cry so I
basically got up and went outside and smoked like 18 cigarettes because I was
so angry and I grabbed my wife and I said let's get the fuck out of here the
point is I didn't talk to Stacy from November of that year to like the
following June and when she called me I was still so mad like she kept calling
me she kept calling me like why isn't you talking to me what's the problem and
when I was I was all fucked up and she called me and I saw it was her and she
kept I don't know how I knew what she wanted oh when she called me she goes I
need to know why you are so angry at me I go what you need to do is got a cook
book and I hung up on it and I hung up on it that's how pissed off I was at it
because I know her really well I love her to death but I thought that she knew
better she's from fucking Texas who makes fucking mashed potatoes out of a box
in Texas that's what happens to white people from Texas when they come up here
they start hanging with these fucking granola heads and these fucking these
non-gluten head motherfuckers and then they become soft I've seen it a thousand
times some Texans are fucking tough to the death I love Texans I ain't saying
nothing bad about Texans but she's one of those Texans that's like from Houston
from the yuppie side you know they jump up and down and all that shit I still
love her I still talk to her three times a week I break the balls but my point is
that little things become big things little things become big things and it's
a joke for some people and it's a joke but I take it that seriously because if
I didn't take the little things that seriously I wouldn't take the big things
that seriously you know when you become a comedian there's there's different
protocols that you have to do and you have to respect and if you go outside
those protocols then we have nothing it's like everything else in life you
know I love the UFC I love to watch fights who doesn't who doesn't want to
see a fight but I'll tell you what I didn't like I didn't like the UFC when
they started with the trash talking because like I've always said what
Lisa I act to get away with and what Joe Diaz to get away with is two different
things with Joe Diaz to get away with Joe Rogan to get away with is to come
three completely different things so even with the UFC that little lack of
respect and no disrespect from it started with child son in and this and
silver and if you look and listen to the tapes and whatever as much as I like
channel there was some awkward things said that you know listen you want to
call me fat ugly you went to prison that's that's understandable I put that
out there so these are my choices once you go beyond that barrier then it
becomes personal and now you're baiting me and now I understand what you're
doing psychologically didn't work for channel you know it didn't work for
fucking McGregor against Khabib you know it just it's a respect thing you
know Mazvedal got asked the same thing a couple weeks ago when he gave his
answer and I put over it that it was white privilege and people got pissed off
at me I wasn't it's the truth some people could say some things and some
well let's let's just do this let's nobody say nothing let's nobody say
nothing let's go back to being gentlemen and we won't have this fucking problem
there's somewhere it's a martial art there has to be a respect there's
something I hate more anything in life more than anything in life when I go to
a martial arts class and it only happens in California when I was in Jersey as a
kid as a child where do you think I got that thing is from you couldn't be you
had a if a martial arts class started for you had to be there at 345 not 355 not
350 not 351 not 348 345 you had to go in the bag take your slippers off put your
fucking gi on or if you walk them with your gi you see those fat little kids
with a gear on the McDonald's after class and you want to smack the parents take
the gear off now everybody knows your little fat fag it takes karate they
gonna pick on him even one it's unbelievable take the fucking gear off
you got him in the fucking McDonald's with a karate suit on like he's fucking
bunk hung home take the fucking suit off right give the kid a break he looks
like a dummy as it is now you got a karate suit on the fucking kid in a
fucking Burger King your fucking mutt anyway so I don't know some fucking
Chinaman I don't fucking know what are you bothering me for you know he's
sure he dressed up like the Korean dictator at fucking Dan Tanner's with
that fucking Eddie Munster suit on you need that shit in your life just wear
the cloak and bow that's all you need to do fucking it's serious so you broke my
fucking train the dog suckers so what I'm trying to say is here yeah you had to
get there early to get you know you gotta get there early you know in
California these people walk in after the warm-ups they walk in during the
warm-ups oh god forbid there's a celebrity in the class you gotta see how he
acts you think he does the warm-up no he'll take he'll take two hair barbells
and start doing curls just to show that he's a celebrity that's why most of the
celebrities just the fucking teachers tell them they got to do privates because
they can do whatever the fuck you want if remember if you book a prayer with
John Jock it's 400 hours an hour if you show up at 10 after 4 that's 10 minutes
out of your time he's still gonna stop the fucking thing at 5 4 o'clock he's
only gonna give you a dead hour and that's a respect you have to give people
but most importantly it's a respect that you give around you let me tell you
something comedy I've had a few fallouts of people but it's just like life
it's just like I know the people listen to the podcast are very nice people but
I know that you don't like some of the people in your office I know that maybe
your boss you don't like them we're not programmed to like everybody God wants
us to love everybody and we do in a sense until they rear-end us and then
they got no insurance you know I'm saying so they rear-end you they got no
insurance you're gonna get fucking pissed off Adam but you can respect everyone
doesn't mean you have to like them absolutely absolutely so just listen
there's a thousand comics I don't want to hang out with I don't want to take them
to dinner I basically I barely want to see them at the club but I respect them
for what they did I knew about a situation in their life where they were
down just like every other fucking comic and they took a pot a negative and
turned it into a positive you know I could tell you 30 of those fucking
stories and why these people are my personal heroes from Felipe Esparza to
Kevin Hart to Bill Burr you know I saw these guys in a flip moment 10 years
ago you came to me when Kevin Hart show failed on ABC and told me he was gonna
sell more tickets than any fucking band in the fucking world last year I'd say
to you I could see it and I wish it does but I can't see it but he knew
something I didn't when I saw Bill Burr after the show got canceled in 98 and he
was upset that this was the biggest shot of his life and it's blown I under you
know I knew at first off when Bill Burr told me that I knew his world wasn't
over there was no fucking way I just know it he was too funny even back fucking
then he was hysterical so I knew his world wasn't over he regrouped took a
plan and now you have to give him the respect he fucking deserves just
cuz you may not like a fucking comic well I saw a special and he see you
could name me any comic and I'll show you a certain respect level that I have
for them Jim Carrey I'm not a big fucking Jim Carrey fan oh yeah I'm a fan of
his first fucking two movies but after that I heard a couple things I've seen
him a couple times he put me on his TV show I'm not a big Jim Carrey fan as a
fucking like I'm supposed to fall over myself like most people are but I will
tell you fucking that he lived in a van for a long time with his fucking family
and that every dime he has today he deserves for what he went through I know
what it is to sleep in a van I know it is to sleep in a park I know what it is
to sleep in a fucking apartment I know what it is to sleep in a house you know
when I went on the road with Joe Rogan I know what it is to sleep on the four
seasons and I also know what it is to go on the road on the triple run and know
how to sleep on a Motel 6 that smells like fucking you know like you're in
fucking Baghdad you know between the gunpowder and the sandal dust you don't
know what's worst you know so my point is that you get to respect certain people
even if you don't like them for what they've done you know when you get when
you have when you're a comedian you get certain times like when Lee goes with me
in the ice house last week Lee got 10 minutes Rachel got 15 you know now you
get a thing called the light Lee the guy will come up to Lee and Lee how many
minutes you're doing Lee a look at me I'll give him 10 give Rachel 20 and I'll
give me a light at 40 okay when that light comes on that means to wrap it the
fuck up that means no matter where you were wrap it the fuck up listen if you
do 11 and destroy them if you do 13 and the place looks like the fucking
garlic festival you know running out like Godzilla's showing up right I'm not
mad at you oh that's a good thing okay you know it when I go on stage if I got
light at 40 and I do and I'm supposed to get off at 50 and I do 56 I'm not
really mad at me at all like I understand those things you're in a
momentum type era it's when I give Lee the light and he not he doesn't just
wrap it up but he starts another bit another bit right and he'll do 21 and
yeah he did okay and I'm proud of him at all but he did something along the line
that you're not supposed to do he went over his light okay so when you go over
your light you're telling me as a comic that you really don't give a fuck about
you or the rest of the show let me tell you something I know when I'm fucking
bombing nobody has to tell me when I did New Orleans this year I felt I wasn't
getting the reception maybe my timing was off the humidity I failed you guys
you know when I went to Charlotte I had good sets and when I went to Columbus I
had great sets but last night I ate two dicks I went out to the comedy store I
did Rogan show didn't really connect with them and the original room I didn't
really connect with them either I get that I'm gonna tell you what I don't like
if I'm having a bad set just out it just out of your time don't stay up there
and make it worse and run the light and then ruin the show for you them and the
comics behind you because you're part of something bigger than you when you go
up there and run the light you're telling me that you don't give a fuck
about us that you don't give a fuck about the other comics well listen I'm not
gonna lie to you when I was a feature act and I be went to the comedy store and
I got really good at featuring what's really good as featuring a deadly 25 I
had a deadly 25 if you gave me 35 I wouldn't even be close and how good I
was I had that 25 minute spot to a fucking death sentence and from the 21st
minute to the 28th or the 29th look from the 21st minute to the 25th you were
gonna roll you were gonna die now there was a couple clubs I was going to where
the owner would pull me aside and say listen this headliner tonight is gonna
have a hard time following you I want you to whip him a little bit because he
sucks dick and he's been asking me for more money so if you whip him a little
bit I did that and I got to tell you something that I didn't know then but I
know now or I realized years later that was wrong that was wrong because I
shouldn't have been going up there as a feature act and trying to steal the show
a couple of weeks ago Lee asked me what was the difference between going on the
road and doing a show at the comedy store and I said when I go on the road I
go to give you a show when I go to the comedy store I go to be remembered I
did not say I'm going there to take over the show or to be the funniest guy
but I say those words no no I said to be remembered what does that mean to do
the best I could do to believe my heart on the fucking stage and to make you
laugh okay when I'm bailing when I'm dying was that light comes on I know I
died I know I failed you as a comic and I felt myself as a comic I feel bad
enough I'm getting the fuck off there but you ever go to a room where the guy
is bombing or the woman is bombing and she gets a light and then she extends
it and now you just you just you ever nail the coffin all the way around the
coffins already shut now you just nail in the middle the fuck with the guy like
to be to be like a Chinese torture bed or whatever the fuck they call like a
better nails that's disrespectful because you're really ruining the show I'm gonna
tell you guys something okay right off the bat and I don't know what you guys
think like right now they're getting me that they want me to add second shows to
these theaters and I don't want to do it and I'll tell you why because I don't get
to see you guys after the show I don't like to show nights because I cannot
shake your hand the shows we have so much little time in between shows that
they need to seat and I don't it's just too crowded in these comedy clubs I
stick around for the second show and I shake hands I take pictures when I go
to a theater I come out the reason why I'm not adding an extra shows in the
Borgata is because of that I don't want to you guys sold that out in the fucking
week what am I gonna do let you guys come in for the early show I want to come
out there I want to walk around I want to gamble a little bit I want to talk
some shit you know now when I do those two show nights let me tell you something
if you came to Columbus or you came to Charlotte this year any of my shows you
guys know that when I finish at 52 or 56 I still got another 15 minutes left you
do know that I got another 15 minutes left especially if I open up with
material out of the air and I buy myself time I got another 15 minutes left that
I could give you but I can't give it to you do you know why because there's
people outside standing online and they could be out there in the fucking rain
and you ever show up somewhere and there's a long line and like what's
going on well the comic went late so now the show's gonna run late now these
poor fucking people are standing outside so yeah by me doing some more time and
you guys getting a longer show I'm fucking the people in the second show
because I'm making them stand out there like fucking mooks on the middle of
street Lisa yet do I stand online anywhere no I refuse I don't I don't need
to go there that bad when I fly I have clear that's to avoid the line when I
fly I cut what I tell you guys when I got first-class ticket or not I got on
the first-class line there's always three people on there I don't give a fuck
I'm not standing on that fucking line and if you don't let me in I'll leave for an
hour when I come back and try it again but I'll stand I don't want to stand
online me going to Austin to stand online for barbecue you got a better
chance of seeing your mom in a high school porno then fucking thinking I'm
gonna go to Austin to stand online for your fucking meat you're out of your
fucking mind you better hire more people or fucking get your productivity
levels up but me standing online is not a cool fucking thing for me it never has
and if you like standing online you know what you better rethink your fucking life
I don't want to stand online so I know when I'm on stage I got extra fucking time
but guess what I gotta respect those people out there and you know what out
of respect I'll give them the same 54-minute show because I don't want
to know it nothing like I don't want you to bump into one of them and to one of
them to say well he did an hour and 15 oh fuck he only did 52 with us he went
it was so fast so I'm always thinking about the respect the respect factor I
didn't have that train of thought when I was a fucking civilian I didn't give a
fuck about nothing fences doors windows I didn't give a fuck about rules but for
you to get anywhere in life it starts with responsibility and responsibilities
cousins to respect responsibility is a direct cousin to fucking respect
because without responsibility you won't have no respect without respect
you won't have no fucking responsibility I could say to you guys you know what
I'm coming to fucking double god DC next week the Lincoln the Lincoln theater do
I have to get on stage tonight I don't have to do shit I could go into
fucking Lincoln into DC next Friday without doing a fucking set till then
they take my chances and I don't really give a fuck whether you like me or not
or whether you're happy or not do you think I would do something like that to you guys
not at all I'm doing two shows tomorrow night I'm doing a show Sunday night and I'll do two
shows Tuesday night then I get on a plane so I'll do I'll do another show Thursday night
so I'm ready for you guys and I'm not saying I'm not gonna bomb I might bomb the percentages
on the wall but guess what I bombed twice last night so I got those two bombs out of the way
for the fucking week or two you know what I'm saying so that's my percentages I don't have to
get on stage I don't even have to write do you think I would do that to you guys I want to show up
there so you guys can go last time he was here he said that joke but I didn't hear that that whole
new first dirty was all fucking new that's called respect you know what guys I get calls from
fucking people all the time Joey your ticket price is too low why don't the fuck you do your ticket
price is high you could you could charge 45 dollars you could do this first of all somebody
tweeted me something yesterday that they paid for a fucking ticket they got an 18 that dollar
fucking service fee do you think I make any money out of that service fee do you think I'm happy
about that 18 fucking dollars on top of what they charge you mean to play that fucking theater
no I'm not happy about it but there's nothing we could do it's a cost to do in business
Pearl Jam went to war with fucking ticket master in the 90s a lot of yous were too young to remember
and they lost and they could only do four ticket master shows a year and they had to go on tour with
fucking different bands and it was a nightmare oh what would you want me to play some fucking
rock and roll club were you gonna get hit in the head with a fucking bottle so I got no fucking
choice yeah I could go back to the club and after I saw the $18 service charge I will go back to a
club and guess what I'll keep my tickets moderately why it's called respect I'm not waiting if I
charge you 45 what's that gonna do it's not gonna make me a break me it's not gonna turn
me into a fucking multi-millionaire so why would I break you because I know in my heart that you
have a babysitter you have drinks before a restaurant you have so many hidden costs beside
that $30 ticket parking a condom you know whatever the fuck you there's cost so if I fucking say
yeah $48 50 I saw some ticket prices this year for shit that I almost fucking died I almost
fucking died I don't know how these fucking people could sleep at night I see listen the stones
they want 900 they deserve 900 that's 50 years bitch when you're doing something 50 years whether
it's sucking dick or playing fucking the drums I'll give you fucking 900 a ticket you know I'm
saying they want like 900 a ticket the stones deserve it but I see ticket prices that I don't
know how people could sleep at night when I go to a Dodger game do you know how guilty I feel
because I know the normal family of four cannot go to these games at these ticket prices unless
they sit with animals and so their two little kids gotta hear fuck shit cocksuck a cunt fat fuck
pitch or fucking night and smoke pot and see syringes you never know what the fuck you're
gonna see at these stadiums again head with a bottle so the normal american family you know
when I was a kid you know how guilty I feel that I went to 200 fucking nick games growing up minimum
200 nick games I don't know how many fucking concerts I went to 1250 a ticket 850 a ticket
five dollars a ticket now a fucking lakin game is $300 a family of four what are you gonna get
$1200 for from plus $50 to park plus that $18 hot dog that's not respecting your fans
that's not respecting nothing that's just going you see what we we we get robbed at every fucking
level of our day whether it's flying there's always that hidden fucking fee you know so
respect to me has always has been all around this game whether it's doing my time on stage
listen man I can look you's all on the face and tell you in 22 years I ran the light one time at
the comedy store there was a month ago I didn't I saw the light I thought I saw it I didn't see
you know how many joints I smoke on a day I didn't know what I fucking saw you know how many times
I've come off before I even saw the light because people have flashed yeah a picture at me and I
thought it was a light like you know so I've been in all those places but I ran the light for the
first time in 22 years at the store a month ago on a Saturday night at 915 because I was closing
the show I didn't really know how much distance I had that was the first time ever nobody's ever
had to come up to me and say something to me nobody's had to come up to me that's and I and
you know what if you know anything about me I'm the type of guy that would do 25 and walk off
and go what the fuck are you looking at but that really wouldn't make me a comic as it is already
I'm not part of the team you don't see my pictures that have these joints nobody talks to me I don't
get invited to festivals the only one that invites me to festivals is my fucking man Jay and fucking
crazy man the fucking Louis Jake Gomez don't be awesome fan you think I get invited to
the big sky festival all these little festivals will I go anyway not really but you know I'm saying
I mean nobody thinks to me for that shoot which is good because I won't go anyway but that that's
big for me so where I mean I know it's gonna you're gonna say respect but going back
40 years you were breaking into things and now like so what what change happened that now you
feel bad for people because they can't afford to go to a doctor like like that's a big switch when
I didn't have respect for myself I obviously didn't have respect for nothing around me okay
as I got older as I saw the loser that I was it was proven to me I know for a fact
that when I started respecting things I came around more as a human being than what I was
you know to some people I joke around I was in bad shape guys from the ages of 19 to
31 or 32 I was not a normal individual I did a lot of bad things I robbed a lot of things I
robbed fucking Christmas I mean it didn't stop my fingers I was sticky fingers I know what it is to
be sticky fingered you know it would make my dick get hard I don't know why I don't know why
does it make my dick get hard like that to let no I goof around I tell you guys I robbed
lives and sell and I don't have the heart I know it's bad karma whatever for years I had no respect
for anything through the years from doing comedy I learned respect I learned how cheering against
somebody is not good you know when they're on stage you cheer for them to do well you cheer for
your friends the comics around you you know you help other comics the people that are around you you
throw them gigs are you give them a sheet of paper with a bunch of booker's numbers on it
you know when I started people would give me booker's numbers constantly here you go man call
them do the work call them send the tape call them you know uh so because of that respect I got
in the comedy world it taught me something like it just taught me to tighten my game
and the respect that I had to have for people you know
like I said just because I don't agree with your politics if you did something like I don't like
politics but one of my favorite guy in politics is Russ Perot God rest his soul I respect something
that he did he went to an American family that their family had gotten kidnapped and I ran or
one of those countries in 80 something 70s and he told him he promised him he'd be home by Christmas
day and he kept his promise that's what a man does that's that made me respect him
you know I went to prison I don't I don't I'm it pities me it makes me sad when we give people
respect who did something disrespectful kind of in a way to get to where they were
or if I was still selling coke or I was a thief or I still burnt people and I wouldn't deserve your
respect but because of the time I put in the years of sacrifice the sleeping on Greyhound buses
you know this was this was not I mean you guys have been posting pictures of me in scare tactics
and today somebody posted a picture of me in something old it's not like I just popped up on
YouTube one day and I'm a YouTube sensation I've been busting my own doing this is 1991
and that means something that really means something even today if I was doing comedy
and I was still fighting for my life and bars with Lee and getting $200 a night and all that
type of shit guess what guys I would still respect myself the way I am now for two putting in the
work and sticking with it you know what man when you come to me and you say you quit because you
didn't think you had the chops I'll tell you what the truth of the matter is over the years I've
met people in this town that I've had deep philosophical deep conversations I gave them
hours of my time I gave them hours of my soul I turned them on to things and one day I bumped
into them and they go I don't do comedy no more was I mad at them not at all was I upset with
them I don't know what their situation is you know I bumped into Stephanie Escajada Stephanie
Escajada used to be Duncan's girl from very funny comic she got sick for a while she got back
she fell in love and she got married I've always loved Stephanie Escajada me and Stephanie Escajada
went to fucking La Jolla we used to go together as a pair as a couple like not as a couple couple
but she was my feature actor I would take her down and she's left the living room
and she's a Spanish girl came from great stock of families of doctors in Mexico and
they ran a hospital just great phenomenal woman fucking guess what man she met a guy
and they fell in love and she got knocked up and she had a kid he's a writer and if you watch tv at
night she's in every two commercial breaks she's in a fucking commercial when I bumped into her
I gave her a hug I gave her a kiss I got in the car was I mad at her for quitting because she
goes I don't go down anymore I gave it up she goes I miss it she goes I still write jokes and I
still tell myself I'm gonna go up but she's like Joey I'm a mom did I get mad at her no I didn't
get mad at her at all was I disappointed no I wasn't disappointed at all guess what she's still
booking commercials she's still taking what she learned that the comics store and applying her
trade and every time I see her on tv I fucking cheer for her you know but I bumped into people
that came here and they and I'm not saying they took something from you personally they took 10
minutes of your time I saw them at the store talking to rogue and I saw them asking questions here
and one day out of nowhere left field they're like I quit comedy be a producer I can't deal with you
because you put so much time into it you put so much time into it in the last fucking minute
you just gave it all up did I lose respect for you
listen no no no not at all but I lost I lost it's a little bit of respect for you
not that I won't talk to you not that I won't help you if you're in a jam
but I lost a little bit of respect for you because of how you're gonna feel
if you don't think I feel terrible about myself for what I did when I was 15 years old when I
quit basketball you got nothing coming one confession I can make to you guys is that I was just
recently I recently got comfortable watching basketball again maybe 10 years ago for years I
didn't even watch the NBA I didn't even watch college because even though I turned out to be
fucking five ten and five hundred fucking pounds I was still mad at myself for quitting basketball
when I was 15 years old till this day I'm still mad at a couple things that I did I never forgave
myself I never forgave myself over quitting karate I never forgave myself over quitting basketball
you know a couple things but those are the most two because I just gave up on them that was the
type of person I was then I had no respect for myself I just gave up one day just gave up just
gave up no fight no nothing I put an end date and I gave it up and I'm late I stuck to the end date
you know at least I was good about that I respected the date for karate was February 19 1979 and that's
a day my my life changed forever my fucking mother died six months later and for fucking basketball
I don't know what I quit basketball like that was it once freshman year ended I was so fucking
upset that I just quit I just quit completely and started doing drugs if you don't think I lost
respect over myself with it took me years to gain self-respect and even with comedy you think
when I did the longest yard I had self-respect I was still a sack of shit even though I accomplished
something that a few people could accomplish without an agent sending a tape and going in there
taking what was mine because I didn't take no for a fucking answer I didn't give a fuck if they like
big pussy or serigoo so whatever the fuck they want it they're not comics and they never fucking
and that was the first time in my mind that I really gained respect because I said to myself
fuck that they're not taking that from me that belongs to me and I'm gonna get it one way or
the other and I fucking got it did that does that make me better than you not at all not at all
I'm still that fucking guy that quit basketball and quit fucking karate and was robbing and stuff
like that it made it a little better what gave me the respect that I have for myself today
is that I stuck with comedy and I stuck with it when I was in the lowest lowest part of my life
when I had to walk away from a daughter and living in a fucking basement and sleeping in a car
and through all that I saw something and today I could live with myself a lot better than I did
when I was fucking dirty how's that one for you so whatever you're trying to do in your life I know
we spoke about frustration and respect should be in there too learn what you should respect which
should be everything which should be everything I mean I'm at the point of 80 percent I respect
things now socially and around me I can't respect that 20 percent because it wouldn't make me a
comic it's like I told Lydia down the phone in the daytime he's mush that's his name take a look at
him smile for the camera that's mush when he gets on stage he's Lisa at he eats ass he sucked cock
if he has to jump off the building you know when I'm walking around the daytime now I'm just Joey
Diaz I'm just Joey Diaz and I have a child and I talk to my wife and I love my wife and we have
coffee in the morning and we try to hang out at night when I go on stage I'm Joey Coco Diaz
and I'm I'm kind of responsible for what he says but I don't want to be responsible for what he says
because that's what makes me fucking dangerous so thank you for listening thank you for taking
the time and I hope this conversation helped you a little bit before we go do not forget next Friday
I'm at the Lincoln Theater and Saturday I'm at the Bogart it's all sold out I can't ready I can't
wait to see you motherfuckers I just added the 24th to August to the ice house a little workout
before my Labor Day weekend and we got San Antonio we got Dallas we got Chicago at the Chicago
Theater go to Joey Diaz.net for all your dates real quick before you leave listen I talked here at
the beginning of the show about a few things I want to reiterate here I want to talk to you guys
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motherfucking the neck you know I'm saying anyway I want to thank I want to thank Upstart.com I want
to thank honor.com but most importantly I want to thank you guys for another great week of the
church don't forget it's August 1st motherfuckers it's on bitch we got five more fucking months to
justify our existence before 2020 comes in five months 2020 what the fuck are you thinking
do me a favor Lincoln Theater next uh Friday night the 9th of August there's still tickets
available and that's it and that's that we'll see you bright narrowly Monday morning tip top
motherfucking Magoo ready to get you started for another week all right I love you cock suckers
stay black and see you Monday morning ready to go kick this motherfucking muley
yeah
is it my turn to wish you were lying here
I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping
oh
is it my turn to buy
hands
tell you I love you
is it my turn to totally understand to watch you walk out of my life
so
baby
anything
Yeah, baby, since I've died without you
Since I've died without you
Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done
But now I'm under water and I'm drowning
It's my turn to be the one to cry
Is it really amazing how something's completely turned around?
So take a little piece of my heart
And piece of my soul
And piece of my soul
Take a little piece of my mind
Cause if you're gone
It's alright, I'll die without you
Music
I can't get away
Every feeling that I feel
I'm a sacrifice
Whatever, baby, whatever, baby
But to take a fall
Oh, that I, oh
Is there anything that I would not do
Since I've died without you
Cause since I've died without you
Cause since I've died without you
Since I've died without you
Since I've died without you
Since I've died without you
Yeah, baby, I'm inside, and I would love to do the same
I'm inside, I'm inside, and I would love to do the same