Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #707 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Aida Rodriguez, a stand up comedian and actress seen on Comedy Central and Fox, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.   Aida's new Netflix special as part of "Tiffany Haddish Presents: They Ready" will be streaming on Netflix August 13th. This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get your first month for just $5 while supplies last.   

The church of what's happening now would love to send its heart out to El Paso and Dayton, Ohio. We're very sorry for your losses and what happened there this weekend. Greetings from podcastville. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Hems. Listen, summertime is here. Why the hell are you breaking out the baseball cap for the day at a beach or the ballpark? If you're wearing it to hide your thinning hair, you may not have to anymore. Don't sweat hair loss this summer. Do something now while you still can. Listen, 66% of men lose their hair by the age of 35. Why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing when they could turn to medicine and science? 4Hems.com is a one-stop shop for hair loss, skincare, and sexual wellness

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A little narcos music for you. If you got them, snore them, carcass. The Christ Killer. Uncle Joey. And my little girl, Ada. Put the head up, Ada. Get the hell off the phone. What's your last name? Rodriguez. Ada Rodriguez. That's what's cracking here on a Tuesday morning. Listen, I got a thousand fucking names in my head. Ada Rodriguez, Gonzalez, you know me, dog. I love that song. Every time I come, you play a classic. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Joey Bananas? Last time I was. A little Spanish music is good for the fucking soul. Yeah, last time it was, it was, what's the Panamanian's name? That was part of the All Stars. Freddie Mercury. I don't fucking know. You know me. I got a lot of people. I listen to a lot of

motherfuckers, you know me. I don't know what I listen to. How are you? I'm great. How you doing? Good. I like the glasses. Look at you. I like the shirt. Fucking badass. Puerto Rico, man. Jay Bichetti representing the Pittsburgh Pirates. Okay, this is fucking Clemente's. And it's funny. A lot of shit since I wore this shirt has happened in Puerto Rico. I wore it on Rogan for the first time. And also my world got flipped upside down. I started getting emails to make videos and wear this shirt in solidarity to get the fucking governor out. He got caught on tape talking shit and fucking saying faggot. You brought down the governor of Puerto Rico? I didn't bring him down to his chat room or something. Somebody brought him down. There was

a snitch in the house. And he kept saying, I'm not going to leave, bitch. They got the goon squad coming in from the Bronx. You got about a day before. You already know? That motherfucker, they made his ass resign and now they're going to throw his ass off the fucking island. And then the governor that wanted to replace them, she didn't want it. She's like, these motherfuckers ain't fucking around. Don't kill me. I love your recap. Oh, please. Those governors are feeling like a Kennedy right now. They walk around with helmets and spacesuits on and shit. It's tough being a fucking elected official of Puerto Rico. Oh my God. They don't give a fuck down there in PR. They don't. You saw what happened to that reggaeton artist. They shot him in the head

because he was threatening to release a video about another artist being gay and they took care of him, which is horrible. How is El Papi doing? El Papi? Yeah. He's out of the hospital now. But yeah, the Dominican Republic, wasn't it? Wasn't it like 40 people or something crazy? Yeah. Who was he messing with? He was messing with a cartel person though. Who? El Papi? Yeah, that's what they said. He was messing around with somebody's wife. Oh, Jesus. And then they put a hit out on him. So what does all this stuff make you guys feel like? Cuba has its own issues, but it's still home? Is it weird for you to be like, okay, it's probably not safe to go there

right now? I don't ever feel not safe around my people. I can go anywhere in the Caribbean, the Latin-speaking Caribbean, and I'm not going to feel unsafe. Okay. Do you feel unsafe? I ain't going nowhere. I'll go to Puerto Rico. I don't need to go nowhere. No, but I'll go to Puerto Rico, I'll go to Cuba. What people don't know is Puerto Rico over the years has had a decline. Like I used to go to Puerto Rico every year for Christmas, pretty much till 1979 that my mother died. Yeah, they said the crime rate is out of control. The crime rate is unbelievable. I mean, six, eight months ago, one weekend in Puerto Rico, they shot as many people as they did in Chicago. Yeah, that's bad. They're saying that if you're a tourist, you have to stay in Nuevo

San Juan and keep it light in there. You go off those roads, bro. There's people posing with their car fucking broken and a hot chick with a bikini. You go to fucking flicks of flat, 10 Puerto Ricans just out of a bush, niche in the head with a pipe. So you got to mind your business. And it's like that. You just can't say Puerto Rico. It's like that. Listen, I went to New York a few weeks, months ago, to spend, shoot a movie, and I'd walk around those touristy areas, and I'm like, these people are dead giveaway. Like just where you're stopping and how you're looking. And looking up at the buildings. And looking up at the buildings or looking at your fucking phone. You know, so they stick out. I remember the 70s in New York, tourists would get lit up,

lit up. Miami too. And I never forget seeing a family get all their money taken playing three-card Monty. Oh, yeah. That day is still etched in my brain forever. That we want, you know, like what people understand is three-card Monty is three cards on a milk crate upside down with like a velour sheet. And this guy's hustling in. He's got three or four lookouts. And you're trying to find a red card or the black card, whatever it is. And he's shuffling. He's a street magician, guys. These guys are gypsies. Yep. And I'll never forget being in the eighth grade freshman year and going over there with a kid who's dead now. In fact, it was his anniversary, August 3rd of dying, 39 years. Dominic's fishy out. God rest his soul. And I remember

that I saw the family and they always had one guy who they let win. Yeah. So you're watching the guy win and you're like, I could do it. And I remember losing 20 bucks. And after I lost my 20 bucks, my buddy started yelling at me. And to make a long story short, he threw in his money after he yelled at me and he lost. But there was a family there from Germany or Europe somewhere. And I'll tell you what, man, they were fucking, they lost everything. Lee, when I tell you, there was a stack of travelers checks. And when that guy, and once they make a big haul, they go police and they flip the milk crate up and they just disappear. Yep. And I'll never forget the look on this family's face. If I never forgot it and it was 30, 40

years ago, it didn't happen to me and I never forgot it. They just stood there like the dad, the four kids, the two kids holding his wife and the wife and the husband were just looking at you like, what just happened? Like, what just fucking happened? We just lost our vacation money. In six minutes. In six to seven minutes. And it was just like, God, police. And the thing went up and there was no cops. And the guy kept saying, where you going? Where you going? I want to win back my money. And they're like the cops dog. And they just started running. And that was the end of that. Yeah. You know, in Miami, though, when I was growing up in the 80s, the thing, there was a time in a period of the 80s where they would look for the rental cars that to see the rental cars.

And they would get right out of the airport. Yeah. Smashing grab. And now they said they're starting to do it again. They smashed the windows and then they take whatever out of the car. But then people fighting them for the car. So people get shot and they get killed. And it's really, really, it's pretty sad. You got to be on guard. People are the thing is that this has gotten so crazy with the haves having so much and the poor people everywhere, they losing their minds. And that's what happens when people are struggling and hungry. They start stealing. We're living in weird times. Yeah. I mean, we're living in, you know, we, this country had a weekend this last weekend that it's traumatizing. Like I said, in the beginning of the park, my heart goes out to

El Paso and Dayton, two places where I, you know, I cut my comedy teeth in El Paso. Yeah. I mean, I was in El Paso. He used to book me two weeks of the shot, that guy, Bart. Bart. Yeah. You know, my heart goes out to Patrick Candelary and his family. There's a lot of guys that down there. I don't even know how to get old. The guy that used to work with Gabriel's website is down there. I mean, I've been thinking about these people all week and Dayton. I don't know how many times I played that fucking funny bone. The funny bone and Dayton was the first club to headline me after I did last comic standing. Really? Yeah. I was, and I had such a great experience at that club. It was great. I just, I go to Cleveland or Columbus, but I got to make it back to Dayton,

especially now. But you, so what you're trying to tell me is I can't go to a garlic festival. Man, you can't go? I can't go to Walmart now. I got to keep my eyes open in the movie theater. I got to keep my eyes open at a fucking school. At a country concert. Being outside at any concert. Yeah. You know, so I mean. That bar was down the street from where I live now, the one in Thousand Oaks. I live in Woodland Hills. Yeah, that's right. And one of our comedians, Courtney Sherman, she used to hang out at that bar, that bar that got shot up by that guy. Where about last week with a guy in Van Nuys, the guy who killed his girlfriend and her entire family? Right over here. Oh, I didn't even know about it. Right. My wife said she was

driving, they closed the street by the barbecue place on Violent. It's on Violent there, but you know, this has to, I mean, I'm a micro type of dude. Like I've always been a micro type of dude. That's one of my shortcomings in life. Listen, I love to worry about the whales, and I love to save some fucking white kid in Africa. But guess what? I have friends that I have in a hard time. I have friends that can't put their kids through college. That's right. I have homeless people in my fucking neighborhood that I take care of, that when I have a lot of food, I'll go out and hunt them down. I've always believed to be a micro type person. You know what? That's great that they found the wolf in Africa. It's got nothing to do with me and my ability

to get up in the morning and make my life happen. This last weekend really makes you think outside the box, and you go, what's the, like, I hate that fucking target on victory. Really? Oh, I fucking hate that. That place is just scary. Victory Boulevard right here in the valley. Victory environment? Oh, yeah. And they told my wife, yes, they no more with the baby up there. Really? And she even said she goes, I don't like it up there either. I'm not going to airplane. That whole football, they had, one time they had that whole soccer field covered with women doing Zumba. You could hear them inside fucking target. The speakers, that has nothing to do with it. It's just a fucked up neighborhood that I don't like. But we're living in a society now,

like I told my wife, I sat them both down last night, didn't I? I sat them both down, you know, and I said, listen, man, I don't know how your fucking mother raised you, Terry, but my mother raised me. It looks straight the fuck ahead. I go, when you go out from now, and I don't want to see that fucking phone out. That's right. I don't want to see that phone out. It's too late to conduct business. You know, it's too, you got to be looking when you walk into a place now, you have to look for the exit signs. That's right. To see where you stand. Put that fucking phone away. I'm not going to fucking tell you again, ladies and gentlemen. Put that fucking phone away. As soon as you get in, you walk out of your door.

Put that fucking phone away. That phone ain't doing nothing for you. That's why I don't want no text. That's why I don't like when people text. I don't even answer your back. I just erase it. I don't even read it. You don't respond to them. Don't respond to them. And people should know better. If you're not, if you're that stupid and you're going to continue to send me text messages, I can't do business. I'm glad you told me. Oh, no, that's how I figure it out. But I don't like text messages. I like to talk. If you text message a person twice, right? And he don't call you back and you continue to text them. I can't do business. You're that fucking. You can't read the cues. Pick up the fucking phone and call. You don't know how many times I'll go back and forth

with somebody with 10 phone calls and then they'll send the text and those 10 phone calls all one away because we've been talking for three weeks. Now you want to send me a text done, done, free me though. Yeah, I don't like that. I tell you, I was in Chicago this weekend. I was working at Zainiz and I was staying in that area, right? And the lady that worked there was like, let me tell you something. She said, uh, when you walking down the street, make sure you're not on your phone. She said, somebody will push you in the bushes and take your phone from you. Lord knows what happens. She's white. And she said, and if you think that they're black, but it just Latinos, you out of your mind. She said, everybody has lost their minds in the city. They told me,

you think that people are just getting shot on the south side? She said, my fuckers are getting shot all over this city. And don't you think that is just black people? She said, you better stay on guard. And I was like, damn, like that was my welcome to the weekend club. Cause she was like, you a woman. You stayed downtown all weekend. Yeah. She was like, you're a woman and you buy yourself and I, nobody's going to tell you this, but she's like, I'ma tell you. She said, when you walking around, you go into your room, we pay attention to everything around you. She said, they have all lost their mind. We have to go back to basics. Yeah. As an American now, 240 shootings this year, something like that. More shootings than days that we've had in a year.

In a year. I mean, there's more shootings than there have been UFC's and they've been in business for 20 fucking years. So I mean, one year we have to repire. I mean, and you can sit here and talk political rhetoric and whatever. Say it again. I don't even know where to start with this. No, cause there's a problem. It's like prohibition. You try to get all the guns out. You don't know where to start. Yeah, they're going to, if you get the guns out, then the prices go up and the black market increases and then you're going to get stronger. I mean, you don't even know where to start here. It's like the homeless problem. Yeah. Right now, if you fucking pull out of here and head to the one on one to head south, there's a guy that's set up like a fucking circus. Yeah,

they got an encounter. No, you got to see this guy. He's got a three. He's got a circus over there. He's got a dog, a little sheep, a little pony. Now I'm not a fucking governor. I'm not a fucking college graduate, but I know that guy is not homeless. That's a mental health issue. That's right. There's a big difference between mental health and Lee coming to me when they ain't going. I can't afford to rent no more. That's right. I'm moving out and I'm going to take my chances and take showers at the Y and go on the road. And if not, just stay in my car. There's a big difference. That's right. Between homelessness, when you go downtown, there's three categories. There's 33 and a third that really are hard on their luck. Oh, yeah. That just need to reorganize a shelter,

a halfway house of sorts to get them on the right path, a job, a shower. Yeah. And then you have mental health people that they don't want your help. So what we could do is reach out to them, give them medication, shoot them with vaccines and let them live in the fucking weeds. That's if you want to pitch a tent under the 101 and you think that's happiness, who the fuck am I to stop you? Whether people don't realize is like those fires that happened when it was cold. It was the homeless people that were cold in the woods and they set the woods on fire to they built fires and then people's houses burnt down. So that's how it all affects everybody. Like when you say that's not my problem, but your Ellen's house was burnt down. Like it is, all of it is connected

at some point. The black dude, my bodyguard, the guy called my bodyguard, the vets of my rack. It's black and he's got dreads and he's six from four, two, eight. You know, the guy I'm talking about, I try to hook him up by three days a week. I'll see him and I'll make a U turn. I'll give him 20 so he could eat something. You know, that's my way of helping. But from conversations I've had with him, he's not homeless. He's got mental health issues. He's got African American mental health issues. You know, he's not an angry guy. He laughs whenever he sees my daughter. He waves. He just rather live in a fucking park than deal with fucking society. He's never asked me for a dime. Aw, but you know what drives me crazy? He's never asked me for a meal. I'll see him.

But that's who you are. And then I told my wife, if you see him, pull over, let him see the baby and give him a 20. So if he's in the neighborhood and there's a shooting, he just breaks the fucking little white kid in the bath because that black guy, I'll send him into a wall. I would send that black dude into Walmart at first. He would have got that little fucking, he would have got that little spectator and broke his fucking neck right in there. This guy, you could shoot him. He ain't going down. He's like young Frankenstein. I watched Peter Boil and young Frankenstein. They were shooting that motherfucker. He wouldn't go down. That black guy's not going down. I think he's been shot like 18 times. He's been shot more than

Tupac and LeBron and all the rest of these fucking half wits. That dude's a real deal. You know, it's funny though, I was thinking about it. It's like, you see all these people are always, they're patriots and they love the veterans, but a lot of those homeless people are veterans that nobody to care of. And if you ever, I go to the VA's to do comedy and volunteer, it's horrible. Those VA hospitals have been like, I feel, I'm like, man, are we treating the people that have gone to combat for us like that? It's bad. I think that somebody goes to war for us. Somebody goes, somebody leaves our country to go step on fire and soil for us. I think they have the right to be taken care of. That's what I feel. I feel the same way. I feel that they should,

as soon as they come back here, they should not be expected to work. If anybody has seen a car accident, you know how you get affected by it. Never mind. It's like that police chief. Yes. You know, Paso said, you know, he never knew there was going to be an odor of blood, but blood has an odor. You know, what do you expect those people to come back from Vietnam and Iraq and all these wars that we've gotten to, when you come back, you can't cope. Yep. You can't cope. It's a heavy dose of, you know, hearing gunfire could change most people. Yeah. Did you know that? Like just hearing what those people went through with that Walmart to your day or in Dayton, whether you got shot or not, just being involved. That's going to affect

you the rest of your life. Absolutely. You know, that's going to affect you. There's going to be a phobia in this country called like a shooter or something. Yeah. They're going to come up with a name. They're going to come up with a name for it because it does affect you. That's why you say you don't have a, you didn't go to college and you're not, we need somebody like you to be a politician. You are the kind of person that we need an office that will, because of that practicality that we need. All the politics that we've had, that's all about checks. It's people getting checks from this company and that we need somebody like you. We need somebody who thinks like you and say, let's find some solutions for the people. I wish I had the capability,

like I wish to, because why would you get through? It's like I got a big problem with nonprofit organizations. I have a very big problem with nonprofit organizations. I have, I want to help people, but I have a hard time writing a check because why should the CEO of that nonprofit have a better car than I do? You know what I'm saying? If I'm donating to you, why should the CEO and the assistant CEO and the fucking the operators manager have a better car than I have? If you want to be help people, there's a basic salary cap. It's $48,000 a year. Yeah, but that's not, you wanted to help people. That's right. You wanted to be Johnny nonprofit. Right. So now figure it out. If you want to be, make money, then there's businesses you want.

That's why I have a hard time donating to a fucking company. I'm not ashamed. I'll donate to Chris Herron because I know that that shit goes directly to drug people. That dude doesn't have an instance of bone in his fucking body, but anybody else I have a lot of hard time. I rather hand you the money fucking direct. That's right. I rather hand you the money direct. So I know that nobody's saying, you know, when people call you and they're like, hey, we're accepting donations for least, for least benevolently by law, those people only supposed to donate like 28%. There are a lot to keep the rest. I don't, don't quote me on the percentage, but that's, but if you really look into it, you'll be in shock. You'll go, so wait a second,

Joey, I get up every fucking day to go to work and I donated a thousand bucks to the police benevolent system and they're only going to get two 80 out of it. That's right. I'm going to get some fucking fat fuck like me. It's going to be in an office smoking a cigar talk, telling people he's going to go ride his boat on the weekend. Not on my fucking dime. Not on my fucking dime. Yeah. When 9 11 happened, remember they were doing those big fundraisers on NBC and they had all that money. There were 12 black firefighters whose families didn't get any money from none of that money. So like they did a fundraiser and we did a fundraiser and to help those kids because they all lost their fathers and they never got any money. So they were like, some of them were like

struggling to the point where they were going to be homeless and they raised millions and millions of dollars. Millions of dollars. Cali Berry and this one and the other one. I have a big problem with that. Yeah, I really do. I really want to help the source. I don't want to fucking, you know, I just believe that with politics, people get into politics either because you love people. And you really want to see the welfare of people. But I think somewhere greed takes over. And that always, that's, that's our, that's our natural thing. We were, whatever, by greed, you know, I at this point in my life, you know, when you, when you become a comic or anything, when you dedicate your life to an art, there's some part of suffering, unless your family is well

off and they pay your rent. There's some part of suffering. And there's one day where you're like, I don't even care about money no more. It has nothing to do with me. I've learned how to live without money for so long that I would love to be a mayor of a city to bring back what's been, like, you know, again, I'm not here to, why must I pay? Why must, why must an American parent pay anywhere from in this neighborhood? I don't know what it is in the rest of the country. Anywhere from 180 to 300 a week for your child to go to date or camp in the summer, 180 to 300 a week per kid, per kid for your child to go. Nothing, nothing, nothing North American, New Jersey, the most corrupt place on earth. And when I was grown up, there was a six

week program at the park that you went to every day, you play checkers, you threw a Frisbee, you had to fuck him, whatever, but they give you a lunch. They put a hose out in the afternoon so you could with the spinner and you jumped in there and then to kick off then one day a week, you went on a trip. You went to APA and we played basketball at APA. It was where the Nets practiced when they made the switch from New York to New Jersey. They took us to the Yankee game, the bat night ocean and they'd give us like those little prison sandwiches. It wasn't the fucking Beverly Hills Hilton, but it was something better. My daughter has nowhere to go in the summers. That's right. Yeah, nowhere. If we didn't put it in camp, am I mad about paying? Not really. I'm

not cheap, but think about it. There's no local park where they could go to in North Hollywood, a studio city and for six weeks. I'm not asking for all fucking eight weeks. Hey, there's a lot of kids out there and I know my daughter's a pain in the ass, but a four week program from July 15th to August 15th, where you take the museum of arts down in Lung Beach, the aquarium and all that shit. That's what they did. I remember going to summer camp one time in the Bronx. It was fucking phenomenal. They took you to the Bronx Zoo for three days. You walked around, you saw a gorilla stab another gorilla with a pocket knife and shit. I mean, that's the shit that you'll never forget. You know, it takes three days to walk around the

Bronx Zoo. I don't know what it is now. I don't know how the animals are now. Don't quote me on this. Sad. But in the old days, it was a three day trip to the Bronx Zoo. Even the churches in New York, I remember being in the Bronx. They had little activities. Activities. They would give you, I remember, the orange with a ham and cheese sandwich with a juice and a little bag. It was an effort. It wasn't fucking Ruth Chris, but it was better than fucking nothing. We don't have that no more. No, but I want to, it's like what you said. Where is all the money going? Because there's so much money that is put into the government. Yet and still, your friend, you got to give them $20 and make sure that he eats when you see him. There's a man who's building a circus. People getting

shot at every other turn. Where is the money? Where is all this money? I mean, Donald Trump was going to put billions of dollars into creating a military force in space. What about here? Where's the money going? I mean, us, I think New York and California have the highest tax brackets in the country. Yeah, right. And I mean, I don't even, my wife just gives me an idea about the taxes. Just an idea. And then you take it to grammar school. And the first day of grammar school, they're giving you a paper. What you're going to pay? What you're going to pay for donations all year. You have to donate to the grammar school? Yeah. Look, that's cool. Look, there's two private schools in Studio City. All right. There's two private schools that are top notch. Notre Dame

and where Felicia's kids work. Yeah, my son went to Campbell Hall. Campbell Hall. Yeah. It's 34 G's and they tell you to start. And you're like, so wait a second. What do you mean to start? It's 34 G's and then throughout the year, you got to do them. Yeah, it's more than some college. Now did your son or daughter get a scholarship to Campbell Hall? Yeah, he got a scholarship and I had to, I worked two jobs. Yeah, because my friend's kid got a scholarship to Campbell Hall. He got a partial scholarship and then I... She's a fucking attorney now. She's a bad ass attorney now, so she's making big money. Good. But she got a scholarship. She's a Spanish kid. Yeah. And you get scholarships there. Yeah, because I didn't want them to go to... But it was 34 grand and they

hit you up throughout the year. The computer lab, the fucking African monkey exhibit, fucking white people for fucking Asian solidarity. Oh yeah, they do get all fucking month. But you don't go to private school? No, but even in city school, we have to do. So the thing is that the Valley has the best public schools. Yeah. So they have the elementary schools are all really good schools, but they operate like private school. Like a private school. So no matter even if it is a public school, you're still paying for a lot of stuff because they have the best... They got the best schools, like all of them. When I sold the pilot last year to Fox, that was in the pilot of me taking to the school and there was one annoying lady that every time she sees you,

she would ask me for a duke. Because every time I see the lady, it's always a duke. She was asking you straight up in person? Oh, no, they have the lady. They have the lady. They got the lady that comes up and says, hey, hi. As they say, I don't know if you know this. Yeah, hi. I don't know if you know this or you're aware, but August 14th, we're having our fundraiser for moms and we're asking for it's a minimum donation of 200. And I'm like looking at it like, let me answer this. How do you look in the bikini? Because we can end this right now. So after like the first six weeks of seeing this, I grabbed my wife and then I'm not trying to be disrespectful. Pick an amount, give it to them and tell them to leave us the fuck alone. Yeah.

And my wife went, she looked at everything. She gave him an amount and she told the lady to leave. No, then one day my wife went to pick up the kid and that lady came out. She goes, we don't know where Mercy is and my wife like told to get the fuck out of my face. So that lady really don't fuck with us no more. My wife just kind of reject out of her account. My wife was like, I'm not going to tolerate that duke every week. Lee, every time we went in there, every Tuesday or Wednesday, you get duked. You gotta do that face. The lady, how they say, no tiene vergüenza. No shame. No shame. And she'll go right and she's got, and the thing that killed me the most is,

Lee, can I talk to you for a second? Listen, we're having our annual kids day thing. I know you're having a hard time. Your wife's not working. We're looking for a deuce, but if you could throw in $50. Yes. Yes. They don't even give you that, Lee. And let's say while you're going, hmm, like when you're going, let me see where I can fit it in my budget. If they see Ada, they'll just leave you standing there. Hi Ada. Oh my God. I love your shirt. Let me talk to you about what's going on next Tuesday. Next Tuesday, we'll have the fundraiser and we advise that you bring 200 cash and you're sitting there going,

she doesn't even have the class to close me. Yeah. Like she couldn't even, she didn't have to like, I got him for a small 50. Let me keep him over here on ice because I definitely got the small 50. Like they just have no very Hollywood. Does it bother me? No. Does it make me or break me? No. It's how they do it. That's right. It's how they do it. I've been duking out all my life. I know the Duke. I know the Duke. Look, there's a look. You give people that means, listen, things are bad. Duke me something. I ain't got a problem with that. But every fucking week, you know, I ate them and I ate in the morning. If you're going to Duke me, Duke me a two in the afternoon. Let me wake up at least.

The magazines, the gift, that paper, they hit you with 805 with a Duke. You're not even processing your fucking coffee and they're already throwing numbers at your shit. You're walking back like, what the fuck just happened? See, like that, you said something to me a couple of weeks ago, Joe, you said like, you think you took your daughter to Disney or maybe it was the hotel you took her to for the fourth? You're like, listen, it was expensive, but I have no complaints. Like it was a great time. Like that's, that's what gets me. It's like when I pay 5, 600 a month for health insurance and then I get a bill for, for $6 from a doctor. Like, just like the weird stuff where you're like, I'm paying this should take away all the annoyance

and it just doesn't. As an American today, without hiding your emotions as an American today, I hope that you know that you're getting fucked in the ass. Absolutely. If you're an American today and you don't think or feel like you think you're on top of the world, you're getting fucked. Your phone company's fucking you. When we fly, we're getting fucked in the ass. 100%. You know, when we do this, I'm not putting, everybody needs to make a business. Everybody needs to make money. I'm not here against you making money. I've never been against a company making money. That's why you provide the service, but assume to be getting fucked. Didn't last week they just came out with the Marriots. We're hiding a $3 hidden charge. Now, a guy like you and me will go $3. They want

to rob me for $3.82. That's fine. What if they do it to a million customers a year? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. At $3.82. At $3.82, a million customers a year. So, you know, at every level, when you're flying, you're getting fucked, especially in today's world. And I love flying. I love traveling, but I just, it's a cost to do business. And unless you're going to take your little scooter, the Cleveland, that's right. Shut the fuck up. That's all right. You know, I don't bite my words that I was, I have agent, I have a manager and I have a lawyer. They offer me this shitty ass deal, right? A network show offers me this bullshit ass deal. And then I got to run it for them. I said, all right, let's look at this deal. I got to give you 10%. I got to give you 10%. I got to give you

5%. And I got to pay 33% in taxes. Now, when you cut all of that out of there, how much money am I making? Nothing. Nothing. So, do you honestly think this is the best deal for me? Would you take this deal if it was you? And that's, that's everything else that you do. That's the cable company. That's the electricity. We pay for water. They told us water is bad. We're paying for water. Now they got oxygen bars all over. We're going to be paying for air too, because the quality of the air is bad. You know how fucked up it is that you got to pay for natural resources? They've made everything a business. I'm for companies making money too, but they're not for fucking us in the ass. Who's that? I'm for companies. No, I said companies. I said, I'm all for

companies making their money. No, I have nothing against them. They're abusing now. But right now as an American, you know, whether you want to go to a Dodger game, a Laker game, no matter what, you know, you go to an event with your kids, go to a Yankee game. I never even been to a fucking Yankee game at the New Stadium. Yeah. And people are fucking furious. People are furious. You know, you can't think about it. No, even on the airplane, you said it, you got to pay now for more leg room. Right. You got to pay for food because they only give you snacks. Oh my God. I didn't know you had to pay for a seat now. Yeah. Now you could pay even for overhead come the overhead part. You got to pay for that. I like when you when you go to American Airlines, it says, don't

business or something economy business coats and then whatever. And you look at coach and it says 482 and you're like, wow, 482 the boss. Jesus Christ. And you click it. 482 is the row right next to the bathroom where people go shit, the fat dudes go shit. Right in that row. That's a 482 get you. Yeah. Now for an extra 6250, you could sit in row 18a and for an extra 84, you could sit in like 16th B. You got to pay to sit in the emergency aisle. You pay to be a hero because you have to, you have to verbally agree that you will, you will help if there's an emergency. When that really comes up and she's like, are you going to be able to help? Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. But you got to pay for that.

I'll open the door and I'll push people out. Yeah. Fuck you. Something happens. I'm pushing this plane out and I'm worried about, I'm taking my sleep apnea machine because I got weed in that motherfucking apartment and I got floaties and a baggie and I'm jumping off this fucking plane. I'm not worried about this fat kid across. Go fuck yourself. I'm pulling him off the plane. And you got to pay for that. Hold on. Get the fuck out of here. I'm opening this thing up. I'm using grandma as a parachute. I'm grabbing by the leg. I'm grabbing by the head. You got to get out of there, right? Look at Lee. You got to pay for that shit. I'm gonna fuck that dirty bitch. I got shit to do with people to see. But you still got to pay for that. Oh no shit.

And they charged you. I got a fucking email last week. I'm not going to say what that line. I don't know what they were thinking. I don't know what they were thinking. They have a new service that you could get there and buy. And I always knew this was going to happen. Okay. First they had, okay, so you buy a plane ticket and if you buy a regular ticket, you got to stand there like cattle and wait for the kid from El Paso to get out of jail and come and shoot you at the airport. And they got you in those zooms like a fucking, what do you call those things? Like the movie theater lines. Yeah. What do they call it? They call it something, a maze. Oh, the maze. They got you standing there in a maze. So when you get shot, you all fall on each

other from the side, you know. And that's what you pay for when you get a regular ticket. Now when you get a first class ticket, they give you the fly through, which is never really fly through. Now, if you don't want to pay to take your shoes off, you could pay for that service. And then they got came out with clear when you just cut the line and would have whatever, it's one at a nine a year. And unless you fly 20 times or more a year, it comes out to eight, nine dollars. Like I figured out I go for nine dollars to cut through. It's not a bad deal. But do you have to take your shoes off with clear? Sure. Oh, yeah, do. Unless you get, when I fly to LAX, I don't take nothing off. I've been flying out of there so long they know

I'm no danger. So they put me in whatever that's called. What's it called? TSA Pre-Check. TSA Pre-Check. But when I fly back, I got to go through the other line. But now they got a whole new thing. What's the new one? Pop has got a whole new dance for $1,250. Oh, wow. I could walk in and not even see anybody. You check in, you get a little cargo van, they take you to the back. It's $1,250 for you and $100 for the person that flies with it. $1,250 how often? Like how many each flight? Per flight. Fuck you. Oh my, que frescura. Per flight. They don't have any, that's unbelievable. Take you from, you check in the specific place. So let's say you fly, I'm just saying this. Let's say you're flying American to New York. That long flight, you have

to go to one. Delta has one. If you're going to fly from New York, LAX to New York first class, you don't go to regular Delta. You got to Delta one. They only fly to Boston or something like that and they cut you and it's not bad. They offer you a water. They ask if you're hungry, they have like little chips and then like Burt. Burt belongs to the Admiral Club. That's why Burt gets lit. He goes to the Admiral Club. He's in there with Zagonya Weaver, drinking fucking doubles, talking about alien and shit. But now, forget that. So let's say Americans got the Admiral Lounge, you go, you check in, a lady takes you, puts you in a little bus and they have a different Admiral Lounge. Like fuck the Admiral Lounge. That's for white punks.

We're going to take you to where like Obama hangs and shit. You go there and then when it comes down to your plane, they come get you and they zip you and you get on the plane. Nobody knows nothing. It's 1250 per flight. There's two different packages. One was for 1250 and one was for 750 per flight. And I'm like, why would like, I knew this was coming. I just didn't know what level. Well, that just shows you that they don't really care about safety. They care about money. That's right. Remember when you used to be able to take your bottle of water on an airplane? Now you got to throw it away. And then when you get on the other side, a fucking bottle of water costs seven dollars. Yes. In Paris, they don't do that. They wrap

your water up and they send it through the machine. They don't, they don't make you throw your water away. And they got attacks in Paris too. It's just, it's all for profit. They don't, we've lost our minds in this country. It's become, they've become so greedy. It's not even about people anymore. You're right. It ain't about your safety. It's about money. Because what is taking the bottle of water going to do really like for real, let's be real about the bottle of water, right? Because you're going to, you don't, they don't want you taking your own water. They want you to buy it on the other side. It's, I was in Paris last year. I've had a bottle of water. I was going to throw it away and the lady was like, no, no, no, no, no, you don't do that. They put it in a plastic bag,

they check it and then they run it through. But it, because that's, that's money. We, everything here is about money. It ain't about people. Even the, the, like the laws, like if I was, I watched a documentary on like smuggling stuff and like the whole big thing is, oh, we caught this much amount. Like even drugs, we, we found this like billions of dollars worth of coke. They don't really care. They care that they're not getting it. Remember when they do the math, they go check it. They double check that math. Absolutely. They fucking pump it up. Yeah. They pump it up like the guy's going to sell it on the street corner one by one. You know, it's such bullshit. Anyway, enough with the political videos. What's

up with you? Beautiful. Man, I'm just making it another day. You know, one thing about you is I see you out there doing your thing. You don't complain. You always got a different thing going on. You always got a different, I call them mind fucks. Yeah. Some of them work, some of them don't, but the more mind fucks you get, the closer you are to your goal. Right. You got to go through a thousand mind fucks to do anything. You're still here. You know, the last time I spoke to you, you were waiting on Showtime to give you a decision. Yeah. And here you are with a Netflix thing. That's right. See what I'm saying? Like you have so many mind fucks that people, you know, you ever wake up on Friday, well, especially now that we're getting old and you're like,

man, I'm fucking tired. Yes. What the fuck did I do all week? I didn't dig a trench. I didn't deliver fucking boxes for FedEx. That's right. You know, I did a couple of spots. I wrote. I played with the kid. I lifted some weights. Why am I so tired? You're like, oh, maybe because I've been getting mind fucked all fucking week from different fucking ideas and different scenarios and situations. Maybe that's why I'm mind fucked. They make that face that the lady who tries to get you there. Oh my God. Did I tell you it's that time of the year again? It's Halloween for midgets. And this year we're going to do a Halloween thing for little midgets. We're going to get them new hats with new heads and, you know, let the fuck leave me alone, lady. And that's

the business people. It drives me fucking crazy. But, you know, you get so many mind fucks as a, who the fuck am I kidding? As a human being. Look at the mind fucks you got this weekend. Yep. You know, now you don't know where to go. What's safe anymore? What do you buy a gun? Do you buy a fucking bulletproof vest? Do you leave the house anymore? I mean, there's so many fucking questions now, you know, but in comedy, forget about it. Oh man. If you let them take it to the, I get emails that would blow you away. I get emails that would you go to you like, huh? Oh yeah. And it's mind fucks. A lot of them were mine. Hey, listen, I got this, you know, I had a guy last week, let me, let me send you the first 56 pages of my script. Listen,

leave me alone. Yeah. And the script is done. Send it to me. You know, there's people holding on to you in case you blow. Right. So they give you little, little bullshit. And you're like, you know what? I've been mind fucked enough for 20 years. Yeah. How did you put together a Netflix thing? You know what? I sat down and I said, what story do I want to tell? And I told the story of my family. I told the story of my family, my grandmother. No, no, how did you get the Netflix? Oh, Tiffany Haddish. Tiffany Haddish and I have been friends for the last 11 years. And we always talk, we always, she's the one that, that, that's like, fuck that. Don't worry about what they tell you. Go do what you got to do. Right. She would always tell me who cares what they say. You just

keep working and she's eventually something's going to pop. You just got to keep working. But she would always be like, nobody's a victim. We're not going to be victims here. We did last comic standing together and we made a pact that whoever blew up would throw the rope back and she blew up and she threw the rope back without any hesitation, without she just kept her word. She said, Hey man, I'm doing this deal with Netflix. And part of my deal is that they got to give a special to my people because I believe in you and I think you should have a special. And she did it. She took a pay cut and she did it. She just kept her word. That's crazy that the last time Tiffany Haddish did the podcast, she was just regular Tiffany

Haddish five years ago. I put the other office. That's what she did. I put the other office. But I tell you what, Saturday, Friday, no, Thursday, when I got to Chicago and I was going to go to the room, I was on the phone with her. She FaceTimed me. She was falling asleep because she's so tired. She wouldn't get off the phone until I was safe in the room. She said, No, no, no, no, no. When I see you in the room and you close the door, I'll go to sleep. That's who she is. That was Thursday. That's who she still is to me. Where did you shoot the special at? Here at the Nate Holden Theater.

And she hosted? She produced it. And one of the other girls on the special. April Macy's on it. Shantay Wans. Okay. This comedian named Tracy Ashley, who's one of the writers on the last OG, the show that she's on. Marlowe, who opens for her and Flaminro, who's a transgender woman that Tiffany's known for years, who's been doing stand up for 20 years and never got a break. And Tiffany was like,

you're going to get a break today. How do you feel about it? I feel good about it. I feel very good about it. Did you work hard before you shot? I did. I talked to you. I did work really hard about it. I put it together and you're going to hear the stories of the Puerto Ricans and the Cubans that raised me on that special. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to tell my story about where I came from, as opposed to FedEx food and airplane seats. I really wanted to talk about my uncles who I

adored because you know that you and I talk about this. I'm everything I am because those undesirables love me. Those people stack themselves up so I could get out of where I was and that's where I come from. I'm not ashamed of where I come from. I'm proud of it because those criminales, those delincuentes that they used to say of my family, they busted their assets so that I could do well and they were like, it's not going to happen for me, but it could happen for you. So this is what I'm going to do. So I wanted to pay homage to that. My grandmother shot the block up. She threw the drug. She shot the drug dealers off the line. She was like, si no se van, le voy a los mato and she went to jail and her bata or her sandals on and the judge sent her home. He was

like, she's a hero. Why did you arrest her? She is a hero. That's what I was raised in. I wasn't raised in at Campbell Hall like my son. I was raised watching people make crack and doing whatever they had to do to survive, but I never looked down on them. And that was, my story was, this special was I want to uplift these people and I want people to know those are human beings. They did what they had to do. They had honor. They had a code and they did everything that they could so that I could have a better life and I adored them. I adored them all. So that's what I did in my special. My special was that. It's funny because I grew up in that shit too. I know. And it's weird what I took from all of those people. I took a little piece of all of them. Yes.

They each had one little good thing to offer. Absolutely. Whether they were criminals or whatever they did for a living. And I would watch them and just take one little thing from them. And I think about them. This is the problem. This is my biggest, this has probably been my biggest problem that I've never moved forward from that. I've never forgotten where I came from. You know. And I've never forgotten where to fuck. That's why I love you. That's where we connect. I don't give a fuck about this so that I'm not going to come at you with some fucking, this is who I am. This is where I've been. And either you're on the boat or you're fucking not. And I've been like, that's just day one and it's worked. And it keeps you going and you know what, you can sleep at night.

I can sleep at night. I did a lot of shitty things. There's things I sit there sometimes like a while. I was talking to my wife two nights ago and we were talking about when I got, we were talking about before I got, after I got separated and the day that my ex-wife took me to court and we had it at like the reason why I left Colorado and all that stuff. And I said to her, I'm not proud of that day. I don't know. That day has kept me up a lot because I knew the things I said to her were going to ban me from seeing that kid. But I had to get them out. I had to say him. That's why I smacked the boyfriend too. Because who cares if you got two felonies? If you got to come and they, they were going to give me a, you know, you get three felonies,

they give you a life sentence. They call you a, whatever, a felon for life, whatever the fuck. And I, they, they, they got under my skin so much and I let them, but I said, fuck it. I'm going to get it out. And I smacked him and the whole thing. And I'm not proud of those days. I'm not proud of a lot of days. There's, there's 25 days. I wish I could fucking just light on fire, but you can't. But the fact about who you are, you also know though, the thing about you is that you're aware that that's fucked up shit. And that's why you have a conscience. There are people who do fucked up shit and don't think it's messed up. They walk around the world thinking that's just the way it is. You have a conscience about you. That's your

evolution. And that's why you help people and these people follow you and they listen to you because it's real. And we got us, you know, like my mom, people used to talk shit about my mother so much because my mother was explosive, right? Like my mom was braiding my hair one time and I kept saying, aye, aye. And my friend was, my mom was like, what's wrong with your head? And my friend goes, oh, that's cause Ms. Pagliaro is always hitting her in the head with one of those fat pencils. So my mom goes to school the next day. I'm standing in line and I see my mom and I'm like, oh shit, it's going down. My godita don't play that shit, right? My mom was like, who's Ms. Pagliaro? And the girl in behind me goes, that's Ms. Pagliaro right there. She walks up

to Ms. Pagliaro and she hits her in the head with her shoe. She said, next time you want to hit a little girl in the head with a pencil, you come hit me with a pencil, bitch. And she hit her in the head. So they rushed my mother to the office. You know, I'm like, oh, my mother's going to go to jail. I'm going, the mothers are like, that's unbelievable. She's so tacky that, you know what my mom did that day? First of all, she instilled in me the belief that I could count on that bitch and that bitch really had my back. And at any, at any turn she would do whatever she had to do to protect me from this white lady who thought that she could pop all the little Latino kids in the head with a pencil and she used to treat us like shit. But now after that day,

she never looked at me again because she was scared of my mother. The other thing is I learned how smart my mother is because when the principal was like, we're going to call the police, she said, great, because we got two reports to file. And the principal was like, what are you talking about? She said, they're going to arrest me for assault and they're going to arrest that bitch for child abuse. We both going to jail today. So go ahead and call the police because we got witnesses and they sent my mother home. They were like, just go home, Ms. Rodriguez. We just, we'll just handle it. We'll just handle it. But I learned how smart she was. My mom didn't go to high school. You know, my mom grew up in the streets figuring it out. But as a little girl,

I was like, I can, I, my mom became my hero because I was like, she will do anything for me. And that, that's not, so when I think about people who, who look down on her and would say, Oh, look at her. She's a tacky as Puerto Rican woman with all these kids or whatever. My mom was a G and she did what the best she could with what she had. And I bow down to her every day. I adore my mother with all her faults. That bitch is a writer. And in my book, she's the best person on the planet. And I learned so much from her. We're supposed to learn from my moms. We're supposed to take something from them. I listened. My mom was so tacky. I wouldn't even invite her to the shit. She got all this. I 86 my mom from school events. Like I had to. I couldn't

have her. She was that tacky. That's funny. But today I wish I wouldn't have fucking 86 her from those events. You know, today I wish she could come to a comedy show and act like a fucking asshole and yell and scream and all that shit. And we have people not lie that, listen, I'm fucking old. What do you think my daughter's going to be like when she's 10 and I'm 60 and I got to go to the school functions and I'm the oldest mother fuck in the room. She's going to feel weird. You live in Hollywood. You're not going to be the oldest mother fuck in there. Norman Lear has twins that are 25 and he's 100. Are you serious? Yeah. He had kids at 75. Yeah. What a younger woman. Yeah. He has kids that range from 20, the twins are 20 something years old to a daughter

that's like 60. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You're not going to be the oldest dad in the room. Not in LA. Have you been acting at all lately? I haven't been. I've been working on developing a show. I just did a short film. I did a short film with one of these actresses that actually, she's just got nominated for an Emmy, which was really cool. And one of the guys from Chicago Fire, we taped this short that I believe is going to go to some festivals, but not as much as I'd like to. When you start, you are respected as an actor, but I have to prove myself because I'm not respected as a fucking actor. Yeah, you are. Are you fucking kidding me, man? I wish I was. I still get put in little trailers. I still got to walk around the block a mile away. You get

booked though. You work. I don't get, bro, the booking days are done. The booking days are long gone. There's a lot of people in the way of the struggling right now. A lot of people are struggling. A lot of people that for years, you know, they always tell you that everything comes to an end. So I don't feel bad for a lot of people. A lot of people I know had it good for fucking nine years in this time. They spent with three hands. They never thought the day was going to end, and now they're living their own hell. Yeah. You know, this is a privilege for me. You know, like I said to you five years ago, a little black girl sat across from me that had been babysitting and busing her home in this town 15 fucking years. She'd been married.

She was with the worst agents in town. I was with them too. And when she left them, everything changed for her. And God bless her. Look, she remembered you. That's what we were blessed with that. Yeah. We have a gift by living here that we could hit the lottery any day, any time. It's up to you what you want to do. You could hit the lottery or you could sit there like a fucking bumpy. You got to get out. You got to put the effort in. How long was fucking Tiffany here busting her ass? So I've been doing stand up for 11 years. She's been doing it twice as long as me. So she's got I know for a fact 20 years for sure that I still remember being with her in 2004 outside the lab factory with Ralph. He made and her telling the

story. So the things she had to do to eat. Yeah. That I would never repeat. Right. Right. That she said that she had to do to eat. Yeah. And I remember Ralph, he going, how are you on cash today? And her going not too good and bust them out like $200 bills and saying, go get something. Like that's how long I remember that. Yeah. I still remember her babysitting for her agents, kids. Yeah. You go up there in the daytime and she'd be on the floor babysitting. So when you see someone like Tiffany Adish, you know, that's what keeps you here. Yeah. That's what keeps us here. Yeah. It sucks to live here. Yeah. I'm kind of bored. Yeah. The kids eat. They don't eat peanuts and there's no Spanish Puerto Rican kids throwing sticks on the street. Yeah. But guess what? We're

always alive. Like I said, the last time I saw you was at the rap party for dying up here. Yeah. And you were talking to Showtime about a special. Yeah. Look out of nowhere. Look out of nowhere. That's why I tell people with this career, the easiest thing you could do, keep getting on set, keep getting on stage, keep writing and put the fireman's hat on and let everything hit you in the head and roll off and you just keep doing spots. Hi. You know, they're doing a new thing for whatever. Good. I'm going to keep doing my spots. I do three spots and I don't know what you're talking about. That's right. You're getting hit with bricks, people throwing apples at you, your landlord, they don't want you too fat, you're too skinny, you're too old, you're too short.

How many fucking stories can you hear from them and tell you no? You're an inch too tall, you're an inch too dark, you wear glasses, you don't wear glasses, you're allergic to cats. They hit you with every fucking lie they could hit you with here. So if you just put your head down and keep getting on stage, that's it. They're going to come to you and lie to you and tell you they're going to use you. Hey, where are you going to, you know, it's on nobody mind the other day. 20 years ago, and when I tell you this conservatively, 20 years ago, this guy was a fucking zero with eyes out here. Nice guy. You know, those guys are just sweet, but you know, if they stood in the middle of a four or five, a truck wouldn't even hit him. Like if this bastard stood in the

third lane, people would just whizz right through him. Like he has no luck, this guy. He came out here and he gave it a look and they threw things at him. And when I've been towards the end, the kid from 90210 approached him and said, listen, I got this movie and he was all excited. And then something happened. He got a movie in Taiwan. So the project went down the tubes. Do you know, I talked to that kid from 20 years ago, the other day. And the first thing he said to me was like, 90210 was back on TV and that guy called me. He wants to do that thing about 20 years later. So do you understand me? We live in a society where they think it happened at any time. And the mind fucks, you just have to learn how to go around them.

Two, a couple of months ago, I was gone for 15 days, right? Where'd you go? I went to Atlantic City. I went to, I went to Miami for a day. I went and saw my mom and my nephew. I went to Atlantic City. I did Borgata. I went from Borgata to, I can't even remember, but I did 15 days. I went to Vegas for seven days and I went to Atlanta and did the punchline. I did 24 sets in straight, no days off. Within those 15 days of 24 sets, my career was projected to go to the next level. It was about seven mind fucks in that whole time. And what kept me sane was being able to get on stage. That's it. That's it. I don't know what you're talking about. When I came back, nothing had changed. Nothing had changed. You still gotta get on stage. The only thing that

changed was that I came back a better comic because I was on stage 24 days straight. That's it. Nothing's gonna change. Nothing's gonna fucking change. Time changes everything. Time. Every six months, you just keep digging. And every six months, you pop your head up. What's that thing that happens February 3rd? Groundhog day? You're a groundhog. That's all you are. Every six months, you pop your head up. Hey, we need you for this. Okay. If not, back down. Back down and keep fucking digging. But now I don't want to sound biased, but I think that a lot of times that has a lot to do with being Latino. We take this work ethic with us, this immigrant approach to work, whereas you see Latinos, they go to work, like my mom would be, because I'll tell my mom,

oh, mommy, I was talking to Showtime, blah, blah, blah, and my mom would be like, yeah, but do you got your rent money? She don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Because she's like promises. She goes, mija, la promesa viene aquí every day. You're going to hear promises all the time. You were just guaranteed is you showing up. You can't guarantee them to show up. So I think that we do that. Like we just have this mentality about, you know, like my mom, my mom is like the father in coming to America when he walks in the barbershop. He's like, hello, my name is King Joffrey. I'm the king of Zamunda. And the guy was like, yeah, all right, take a seat. There's eight people in front of you. That's how my mom is. I'd be like, mommy,

a Netflix. She'd be like, Netflix, gon' flay, all of that. That's all beautiful. Tiene el dinero para los bile because I don't want you to be on the street. That's all she cares about is like the basics and the fundamentals. The problem that we have here and the problem that we have as Americans and humans is that we get distracted. If I look at my life when I've got distracted, yeah, when you're in this town, you either drink the fucking juice or you don't drink the juice. The other day I was talking to our mutual friend, Nick Titoro, and he says, hey, do you see the trailer for the Irishman? It looks pretty good. I go, who gives a fuck? Are you making any money from me? And he goes, that's why I love talking to you because you know how to stick to

the bullshit. I went to the Avengers for a while and I sat next to a guy with a dog. Why would you be in the Avengers? You're a comic. You know what I'm saying? If you concern yourself with all the little things along the way, you're not going to get to your goal. You go crazy. You go crazy. You go crazy. It has nothing to do with you. It's got nothing to do with you. There's nothing you could do. If right now, Tiffany didn't do that show and Jane Smith did it and you sent the tape like you usually do. The Netflix makes your showcase and then they make your showcase again and they call you and they go, we gave it to a Chinese drum kit that those fucking fountain wontons up in the air and get some, you know, you didn't get that opportunity. Somebody

just called you and gave it to you. Somebody ignorant would say, yeah, but she's friends with Tiffany Haddish. No, I've been here banging that for 20 years. You dumb fuck. And even an old dog gets a warm spot on the sidewalk eventually. If you put the work in, I don't know what your future is going to be. I don't know what my future is going to be, but I knew one thing. If I put the work in and I went to bed every night knowing that I did the best I could today, I'm good with that. That's it. I'm good with that. Whether you're starting a podcast, whatever the fuck you're doing, I just want you to remember that you're doing it for today. And as long as you know that today, you did the best you could be. Like today, I did the best. I was the best that I could be at what

I do today. I did three sets. I lifted. I ain't good. I sent my niece. I helped her out with her problem. I fucking did this. I did that. You know, it doesn't matter what happens. Success will come your way eventually because you put the fucking time in. I believe that. It's the truth. I've seen it. I've seen it here. I have seen it. I have seen it in 22 years. I've seen the people who came in. Everything was a joke. Well, my friend's going to hit. He's friends with Robin Williams. That's great. But you still got to get on stage tonight. And you got to be funny. I'm taking the night off. What are you talking about? Until you're fucking getting an Oscar. There's no nights off. Last night, I took two fucking days. What happened was I took the 50. If you notice, we don't smoke

potty or nothing. What happened? Because we had to do a better job. So I took the 50s and I put them with the hundreds and I mixed them one night. So I didn't know what I was eating. So I just took three of them last night. They could have been 300 milligrams. It could have been 150 milligrams. Anywhere in between. Or it could have been 250 milligrams. I didn't know what it was. And I could not watch TV. My wife went to bed. Did I not call you at 12.30 last night and I was writing a bio and sending emails to fucking send the emails to actors to see if I got them on the podcast? Oh, no, I'm productive every day. Absolutely. I'm productive every day. Just because I'm not at the comic store. I mean, I'm doing something. No, but I mean, you took the

edibles and you were... Oh, that's when I do my best work. You become the lady at the PTA. That's when I do my best work. Sure. He'll call you high as fuck at midnight and then also at six in the morning high as fuck. He takes a bonnet and he's like, why are you up already? It's at seven thirty. You're working. Well, I don't know when you're talking. You know what? I look forward every morning to your tweet. I don't fucking know. That tweet, the daily tweet? Yeah. That needs to be a book. Oh, no. This morning I thought about, I didn't really want to tweet too hard because of what I just wanted to say that it's a beautiful day to be alive. Don't take it for fucking granted. No, my favorite was the other day when you said, they're not giving out charity.

They're not. They're not. Sorry. That's the truth. Everybody wakes up thinking today's the day. I was one of those guys, a bartender's gonna put me in a movie, really? Because I thought if I bartended, somebody would come in and put me in a movie. I'm just gonna be cute and drink junk smoke at the bar and somebody will put me in a movie. Okay. Don't worry about acting class, right? Don't worry about that. Don't worry about putting the work in. Just, you know, do what it is that you do and you'll be fine. No. Whether it's Latino work ethic, whatever work ethic I got it from, I saw people who were stand-ups, got a little bit of a career and for some reason stopped doing stand-up. Yeah. And then when everything stops, you try to come back.

And now those people you were with, they're a foot away from you. You used to be head and head with them, but you completely stopped. That's why you never stopped. That's right. You never stopped. I can't go to jujitsu every day. No more every other day, but I go every Sunday. I go every Sunday and get beat up. Look at my face from yesterday. I got fucked and beat up yesterday. I can't go every day doing all the meetings or writers and shit like that. But guess what? I go every Sunday. You know, if I go twice a week, I go twice a week. You have to, as a stand-up, as an artist, you have to keep doing your thing. Yeah. That's why I hate when people go, well, I had to get a day job. Well, bitch, if you really loved what you like, you'd be doing that

at night or you'd be getting up at, what time you got to be at work, 10? What happened to six and doing what your passion? I'm going to tell you something when I hear people tell me these stories because I just had to tell somebody this the other day. My daughter used to swim, right? Swim practice is at five in the morning at Pierce College and she went to school at a El Camino, which is in Woodland Hills. I lived in Sherman Oaks. I would get off stage and go home at one o'clock in the morning. I would get up at four. I would take my daughter to swim practice. I would sleep in the car while she practiced, then I would drive her to school and then I would drive to work at Edward Jones where I worked and I would work there for eight

hours. I would come home. I would cook dinner. I would do homework with them and then I go do stand-up and then I'd do it all over again. So when I hear people tell me that they don't, they got, well, I want to do my dream. I was like, you got to put the hours in. You got to do the work. There are no excuses. I could sit around and cry and say, oh, I'm a single mother. I don't get child support, blah, blah. What the hell is that going to do? That ain't going to put a steak, fish on the table. I don't have time for that. And now he's in jail and he really can't give you no money. Exactly. You opened up your fucking mouth. What are you going to do? Now he got no driver's license. He got no money because you put the shit kabooch on him and now you got to worry.

No, I tip my hat off to Ada. Ada, you wouldn't have a Netflix special if you haven't been putting in the fucking time all these years. Well, that means a lot to me. They gave you a little window with last comic standing. You bust it through it. You never look back. You know, everybody thinks that, oh, I need a push. No, there's a window. There's some day you're walking, I was a burglar. So I'd walked down the streets looking for a window. When I was a burglar, I would walk down the streets looking for a window. Oh, first of all, I know that everybody, 80% of people don't close the bathroom window. They open and close it to release the steam, especially women. They don't put the lock back on because when they go to put makeup on, they cannot moisture in the fucking room.

So I know that. I know that my percentages were higher if I went through a bathroom window. You know what the chances are on me fitting through a bathroom window. A lot of bathroom windows are small. They're over the tub. You got to land headfirst on the tub. Trust me, I landed a couple of times on my neck breaking into drug dealer houses, going through a bathroom window. But we're all looking for a window where there were a comic, an artist. The window's open. It's not going through the window is what you're going to do on the other side. That's right. That's right. That's, you know, I love when people go, oh, well, Joey's where he's at because Rogue can help them. Really? No. If that's what you think, you're just a

ignorant motherfucker that's been making excuses for yourself all your life. That's right. Rogan opened the window for me. He could have closed it or I could have gone through it and done my own work. And that's exactly what I did. You know, people, windows open up for you. You have to go through that window and know what you're going to do when you're two feet laying on that other side of nine. That's what this town's about. Open windows. That's what life is about. An opportunity, an open window. What would I want to go there and work for eight bucks an hour? I'm going to start as a car washer. But what you didn't know is you started on Monday and the following Monday, the general manager quit, which meant everybody bumped up. And if you

would have taken that job, you would have been at 1250 now. You follow me? So nothing happens if you don't try. And listen, I worked at Edward Jones, which is an investment brokerage for many years. But in between that, because it got so rough, I used to work at Federal Express. And my shift was four to six a.m. and four to six p.m. That's the like an entry shift. And I would go in the morning and I would on the belt with the packages. And then I would go back and I was still doing stand up and I still had a job and I still had two kids. And there were no excuses because that's just that's just life. You know, and if you're sitting around waiting on somebody to give you something, you're going to you're going to be bitter. You're going to sit and wait for a long

time because everybody's trying to get theirs. You know, you're not on the top of a list of somebody else's priorities. And we just sit around waiting on other people to give a shit. You got your own platform. You look what you did. You went and built it. I didn't give them a You wouldn't built it. Listen, I knew that if you put your head down, yes, stay consistent and stuck to the plan because a man without a plan, you got nothing. You stuck to the plan. You got a half hour Netflix special out of it. Let's God knows what's next. So how was your Netflix special? Did it make a difference in your business? Yes, it did. Yeah, it did. I didn't do a good job as I wanted to.

On what? On the special. I didn't think I could I did as well as I did, but it did make a difference. You know, yeah, it's it's not that it made a difference. It's all the things you do around it. Right. You know, you could shoot a movie and let it release at 10 to 25th or you could write a book to go with that movie. God forbid your body, you get in it and all of a sudden next thing you know, the episode you did is coming out. The movie comes out on the 25th. So in the TV show, you did with him comes out on the 18th and then you release a podcast and you release a blog and next thing you know, it's like, oh my God, Joe, he's that busy. No, he's not that busy. He just made everything come out all at one time. Right. Everything was prepared. I learned

that 1987 Richard gear put out one of the worst movies he could ever put out. It was a great movie. It's an Academy Award. What a movie. If he asked me, the one with Andy Garcia, when he fucks his wife. Oh, oh, yeah, that was that was raw. Diane Lane. Yes, raw Richard. No, no, no, it wasn't with Diane Lane. That was the one he did. He did a movie in 87 internal affairs. Oh, internal affairs where he was fucking evil and he throws that Mexican off the balcony. He's fucking just fucking everybody's wife and his partner's wife. He's fucking her in the ass. When you left that movie, you're like, fuck Richard again. Yeah. And he had just won the Academy Award for Office and the gentlemen. And then that came out like maybe two years later or something. He came on

in turn. You see internal affairs. That's a scene where he goes to see his ex-wife. He goes to pay a child support and he's like, are you busy right now? But she's like, no, we're just going to do laundry. And he just opens the bedroom door. Get in there so I can fuck. He's a dog. But what did he do? He made sure pretty women came out three weeks later. He ended up smelling like a fucking rose. He ended up smelling like a fucking rose. Look at the release dates from whatever to whatever. It was just a couple months apart, but it was perfect. He did that perfectly. In your mind, you think he's busy. He just made everything pop out all at once. But no, I'm very proud of you, Ada. I know that. That means a lot to me. Listen, I wouldn't put you on the podcast if I thought

there's so many people out there that are faking the funk and things don't happen. So now they think, oh, well, if I do three podcasts, I'll be back. What was the difference? Internal Affairs came out January 12th, and Pretty Women came out March 23rd. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with, Joey Bananas? Some fucking novice from the fucking street. That was brilliant, that move, you know? But you wouldn't be on the podcast. I don't deal with people who are faking the funk. I know you don't. My shit blows up every week, emails and 80 comics that want to be on. I look at their social media. They ain't doing shit. I look at their website, looks like somebody blew it the fuck up. They don't have a podcast that

they do. They don't let nobody know. So you're doing everything 50%. So I got to do the whole work where you can't come on the podcast. But you, my friend, I'm always hearing good things about you. Oh, thanks. You get pretty every time I see you. And we put you in the hospital one night. You're always welcome to come on the podcast. When somebody goes to the hospital for Uncle Joey, you're in with me. That's in the TV show. You didn't say a word. You shut your mouth. You didn't say nothing. Nothing. What did you take? I don't know nothing. I went to a Chinese restaurant and the guy was giggling. They gave me the egg rolls. You know what I'm saying? You don't know nothing. You didn't know nothing about drugs. Your son called me. What'd you give

my mother? Don't worry about it. Yeah. But you know, we don't, we don't, we don't do that. Like, we never turn on our own. What's the name of the speciality? So that is just my name. They all have our, all of our specials are, are named. So, but it's Tiffany Haddish presents and then it comes out next August 13th, which is Tuesday next week. Well, if you tweet it, I'll retweet it for you. Thank you. And where can they find you at funny either.com? That's my website, funny, a, i, d, a dot com and at funny, a, i, d, a. And you gotta wear your dates on there. All my dates on in it? No, my whole. I listen to the G's, you know? All right. I just want to double check. So if they go there, they want to see you. There's no

fucking problems. People come to my shows because they heard you on your podcast. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No, no, no. Quite a few of them. A couple people have hit me back and said, thank you for turning me on to Ada. So I know that you knocked it out of the park. Ada, where will you be this weekend? This weekend, I'll be at Hyena's in Dallas. Okay. And next weekend? I'll be at Mohegan's son in Connecticut. Oh, shit. That's a good fucking joint. I will be this weekend, Friday night, the Lincoln Theater in DC and Saturday night. I am in the Bogota. Both shows are sold out. So I'll catch you, motherfuckers, next time, next time you should have planned that. And I hate adding shows in Jersey

because I won't get to see my friends. So I couldn't add a shot. I want to hang out with my friends afterward, but I'll be walking around the fucking casino doing my thing. We can't smoke dope there. So I'll just be fucking playing blackjack like I did last time. I lost 40 bucks and I stopped. Anyway, the church is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Listen, you know how challenging hiring is, right? It's hard to find qualified candidates. It takes a long time, too many applications, too many applicants, but guess what? Zip Recruiter makes it easy. All right. There's one place and that's ziprecruiter.com slash church. Hiring used to be hard. We all know that multiple job sites, tax of resumes, confusing review process, but today hiring can be easy

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Grab the pen. Five hours. That's right. I said five hours. While supplies last. Go to fourhems.com slash church slash joey. That's fourhems.com slash joey and get five dollars a trial month for five dollars starting today while supplies last. Again, go to fourhems.com slash joey. That's fourhems.com slash joey. I want to thank Ada Rodriguez. Thank you for having me. I love you. I want to thank the crates killer. I want to thank zip recruiter. I want to thank fourhems. Fourhems. But most importantly, I want to thank you motherfuckers for always supporting us and having our back. We'll be back Thursday morning, Tip Top McWoo, ready to motherfucking rock. Again, go to Ada.com. Funny, Ada. Funny, Ada. Ada. Ada for later. August 13th though. And August 13th,

a Netflix special comes out ready for Freddie. I'm fucking Netflix with my girl Tiffany Haddish. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great week and we'll see you soon in two days. Stay black. Kick this meal, Lee. That's our billboard. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody, twice as smart as I. Oh, somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I want to be around to see how he does it when he makes your heart too

bit. Let's see if the puzzle fits so far. And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. Oh, as I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you, like you.