Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #713 - Jessica Wellington

Episode Date: August 27, 2019

Jessica Wellington, a comedian, actor seen in "The Mule" and "Grace and Frankie" and cohost of "The Liars Club" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.com -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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cock suckers go to my bookie dot a g kick this motherfucker muley oh shit i got jessica wellington the motherfucker i got the christ killer in the motherfucker 10 days from hanukkah every time he's getting his dicks up he likes a candle oh shit oh shit we're coming in deep back to this morning i don't give a fuck about late for today we go 24 seven oh are you fucking kidding me or what that's how to start a fucking podcast mother fuckers got jessica wellington in the house you got the christ killer what's happened jessica uh i'm good i got my tooth pulled today but other than that i'm good and then you showed up with two fucking

narcos what good is that you get your tooth pulled you stop at right aid you fill the prescription and we have a little norco party in the afternoon everybody hits that everybody hits that dick with the hammer nobody feels nothing you know i'm saying i didn't even think about i did ask felicia if i should bring something because i wanted to try to be classy yeah i was like maybe i'll be like a cheese plate or something but i could have just brought the drugs or drugs or a fucking sandwich that's it we want drugs or a sandwich from fucking casino the spicy italian and you prefer the drugs yes but we always prefer the drugs harrowing barbiturates narcotics whatever you got we're in we won't take them that day or maybe we will take them one night when they need it take is needed

you know what i'm saying i feel like you don't you never keep anything like you just you don't take a bag you take it immediately you never save anything that's what i thought people what is the fuck what's going on jessica wellington it's a pleasure to have you i'm so excited to be here where you from i originally am from north carolina in florida okay two of the worst fucking hellos in florida what part of florida uh lakeland pure hell yeah pure hell you can't go to lakeland you can't go to tampa you can't go to a land you got gay ghosts right gay ghosts you got a fucking landing on all those gay guys that got shot they gotta be ghosts you got a bunch of gay ghosts no land they're flying around you stand on the line at the back your ass holds itchy you're like

what the fuck's going on there's little gay ghosts scratching your ass and the podcast is over already let's love 56 you can't take away my wings you can't take away my wings you know what i'm saying i've done my time what is your ghost gonna sound like oh he's gonna be a bad motherfucker my ghost ain't gonna talk he's he's gonna fuck with your head he's gonna hide your shoes he's gonna take every sock so you're left with only one sock for one foot i'll take your gloves i'll take that's the type of ghost i am you know you trip people yeah i'm trying to write a book and i had to come to a ugly conclusion about my life that i won the battle but i lost the war when i was a kid you know lee like i could torture people forever i could i could change your scenario if i want

god gave me that gift that i could fuck with people's scenario and i don't because it's an ugly gift that but i did it till my stepfather i did it till my stepfather till i broke him it took me five years to figure out his nut and i broke him and so this now for the first time i've admitted that it was me who put the wedging between my stepfather and my mother because i couldn't have my game if he stuck around he wouldn't let me run my game my mom let me run my game so for me to get rid of him i had to fuck with what he loved the most which it was his money i did that was some of my stepmoms to be fair i did but my dad he was a my dad was a great guy until he drank and then he was an asshole like he just jekyll and hide and he would hit women so a lot of it was

me like trying to protect them too but there's a picture of me at my dad's uh it was my third a second stepmother at their wedding at the courthouse and i was totally not for it and i i just like i had an attitude in every picture i wouldn't look at the the camera and all that because i didn't want it to happen um because you know he was a continuation of violence yeah i mean you didn't pull her aside and said get get some eggy in the mouthpiece oh well half the time they would know beforehand now this one i don't think she did but also i was like 12 i don't think it was my spot to be able to tell her you know what i mean but when it did happen i told her how you know i i took care of everything i came in from basketball practice i was so excited to remember

the first time and then i come in and i see my step sisters on the couch crying and i was like oh shit i know what's happening right so then i just went went to the kitchen saw the bottle poured it out and i was like okay let's go no let's just go while he's doing whatever he's doing right now we need to go and um so i you know i helped him in that way you know it's crazy how how much the 70s and the 80s for people don't know this there's a lot of younger people listen to the podcast there was a time in this country where every block had an abuser mm-hmm there was one woman who lived on that block that always wore sunglasses that clothes would be on the front every morning or his clothes in those days the cops would just come and nobody would get arrested yeah you know

there's a there's a there's a horrible horrible domestic violent situation that's always been etched there's still happening with me even in my soul in the 90s when you witnessed domestic violence and it wasn't my house i saw arguments in my house and my son my mother hit him with a fucking thing one night when he left but the people two or three down doors down from me growing up in north barrigan he was he was a drunk and he would get home too and he would just beat her he beat her once a week and it was well known and nobody liked him on the block like none of the kids we'd put we'd flatten his ties we'd do everything good just to fucking annoy him you know and i think uh one of the worst beatings my dad pulled the gun on him and they broke up but

if i knew her she probably went back with him they went to a different neighborhood and the violence continued yeah it's so weird how much the oj thing changed the tone of the country it was acceptable right i just watched something on tv the other day there was a movie shot in the 80s and it was still acceptable what about the longest yard the over into that one that's the 70s in the beginning but it's so weird like up to the 80s it was still i remember 89 i was five and my dad got so drunk that he was uh holding a gun to me and my my stepmom pointing it at us to get on her knees and say her prayers yeah so that was 89 and i remember i called the cops before when i got older and one of my stepmoms she was out on the porch she was raining she had a black

eye and i called the the cops and they come and then she says everything's fine i don't look well i'm gone i'm not staying what happened to your real mother if you don't mind me asking she overdosed how old were you i was 25 did you find her i did not i was living in florida at the time it was kind of a very weird how that happened and where did she go die at in her trailer what kind of drugs harrell no well she did um i think it was just pills at this point my mom had aids but that didn't that didn't kill her uh she had that for like over 10 years um but her drug of choice was crack cocaine you've had an interesting life yeah but your eyes have seen a lot of things that a lot of people haven't seen and uh that's always very interesting in a person you see that

in a person it was really weird because a couple weeks ago you came up to me you go when can i do your podcast and i go when the timing is right you know i just don't book people the timing has to be right and i always knew you were the first door girl at the comedy store but i didn't want to i didn't want to bring you in here for that you know we'll talk about that later on i get on the plane last week and i put on the mule and i was very proud like you know anything about me i cheer when i see a comic i cheer when i see a comic on late night but i cheer more when i see a comic in the movie because i feel that over the years agents have not utilized us how they're supposed to utilize us you ever watch a movie and not to be egotistical go i should be in this movie

yeah like i've done enough work that that could have been my role but the agents don't see it that way the agents have the road so they'll put you on the road first because usually films and tv don't pay a lot of money right so especially in today's system so when i saw you in that i was like god damn you know now i thought back to the auditioning process what was it like to audition for clonese wood you know did you meet him at the audition he was there this might be anti-climatic because i honestly just taped it i was actually in dallas at the time uh doing sets and i went to a place that it taped i sent that in and they just booked me off the tape how crazy is that yeah and i was in how many days you shoot it was just two days two other than nothing yeah

i enjoyed it and clint i did get to be clint because we were in the scene together he was really nice um and he tried to make little jokes he's old yeah he's old when they get all like that it inspires the like i did a movie with dick van dyke oh he used to have a tv series on oh yeah years ago him and his son and i got to be a bookie on one of the episodes really yeah and it was a great fucking experience because i knew one of the writers i forget his name he passed away great guy the irishman he lived in that building in marina del rey where you don't leave where you don't leave you don't leave like they got the movies there's nothing i need no there's a building in marina del rey that you just don't leave they got ballies they got 24 hour fitness they got raps

they got whole foods they got the movie theater they thought you meant like once you're going you don't come out yeah no it's for people who don't want to leave dry cleaning laundry everything you need is in that building you don't leave we would be there writing and eat all the desserts up like cafeteria or what do you want to eat spaghetti i order from this place downstairs everything is in this building so i became dear friends when he wanted to write he was from the bronx and he was one of dick van dyke's closest friends i couldn't believe it yeah and he hired me and i did four days and the first two days i couldn't look at dick van dyke i would cry and i would pray to god that he wouldn't come over to me like i had lines with his son and stuff

and then at one point dick looked at me he goes whoa whoa whoa you know why do you have tears in your eyes i go you don't understand that you're everything to me i learned how to speak english because of you and he was like what he probably doesn't hear that every day no no you know people you know people tell him probably they learned about kami from watching them when you work with a ledge what did you take away from cladice like what was it that made him stand out in front of you seemed i don't know you just seemed easy going you know everything that everybody was telling me it seemed like that was the exact opposite how many takes we did a few but that was mostly for him because he doesn't remember the lines right right so you just you know he had to do him a few times

he directs it yeah somebody else to cinematographer and he tells you the scenes and the cuts to jew uh what's that when they you first go there and they see what the scene is they call it something blocking blocking oh yeah did you block with him how was he at blocking um well he didn't have to do that we did that okay you know um he had stand-ins and all that for that stuff uh which i got to learn on grace and frankie what a stand-in is all about and that's the way to act that is the way to act i didn't have to do anything i was like you mean i don't have to stand in my own light okay i'll go have a coffee i'll be back when it's time to act did anyone do like my first job here was on tv show and i remember someone coming in and before like my boss came up to me like

don't look him in the eye like did they say anything weird to you about clint and then he tried to be cool actually you know what um they all laughed at me and they thought it was the greatest thing because he had this thing of cherries uh that he was carrying around in the scene because he's at a farmers market and he was eating these cherries well we cut and i just uh i just looked at him and we were talking a little bit and he was trying to tell little jokes and i just took one of the cherries and ate it and everybody thought that was just hilarious that i would just go to you know upon myself and eat one of clint's cherries and he thought it was funny you know i was like that's just they're there and i figured it was cool when he said dykes on bikes i know thanks

dykes he giggled or something he giggled and i could just you know when you work with people that caliber you go jesus christ i'm connected to clint eastwood now yeah like i had a scene with clint eastwood like why did i analyze that i didn't have a scene with deniro but i had to move with deniro yeah the grunge match now i'm connected to deniro you know and i'm connected to deniro through death what's the deer hunter because i did a movie with john whatever the white dude and so it's so weird when you start meeting people and making different connections like now you connect this dot with this dot it's really weird you like acting i do do you really like it i'd really do what do you like better stand up or the acting well i love stand up i love making

people laugh but i find that i could i do that in both so i like it even when i'm doing something serious usually there's a part that you could make people laugh did you start auditioning when i got here in like three years ago three four years ago and you've been with the same age since day one i mean you have a great look to you i mean somebody i somebody will sign you you know in a heartbeat you know you and i don't have the ordinary no that's why i love you i watch your podcast all the time because i feel like we have a lot in common and then felicia always throws it in my face like oh joey uh laughs just like that or that's how joey holds his mouth and i'm like what out well that's what joey did he just did acting gigs to get him along until

and i was like okay you know yeah because i normally accepted me as a stand up you know everybody said well you have to book a tv show to to get on so did you take an acting class no i used to do improv though i started with improv okay only like by a few months and i started doing stand-up as well where did you go and study improv i started at the sacramento comedy spot in uh sacramento okay and when i got down here i did i o because that was easy i could hang out at the bar i was actually like the only girl to work the door there too and that was on hollywood boulevard before yeah where are they now they're gone they're only in in chicago there's no ios anymore it's just io really in chicago and what happened to the one in hollywood they were doing so good for a long

i know but something they just didn't do things right i think that no it was yeah they needed to keep the bar open i think longer or something because the bar let me tell you something i started hanging out there yeah i quit the comedy store in 2007 and got clean by 2007 and a half i would start they had a stand-up open mic on friday is it midnight or like 11 they did stand up and i would go over there one guy would say your joey deans from the store yeah and he put me up there was so much industry that hung out there it was it did it was sickening everybody was looking for the next uh they were good at that saturday night live guys so i was i told somebody i go guys you gotta go two spots at the i o like i went three weeks in the world and came back with a

card all three weeks nothing really transpired but election know that people i took classes there i sketched classes there chair minded too because you know he does he wants to do more sketch and stuff the problem with the that i felt was that the people that were teaching the the sketches were bumps yeah that's the problem i had that you know what i could pay this guy 75 bucks to teach man do sketch i could actually pay a guy from sign that live to do a six week course and i'll pay him the 200 a course over a time to learn from somebody who's actually doing it the problem with all the programs in this town that i feel bad for people now is that we don't know so we don't ask right but if i knew what i know now when i come to the acting class i'm gonna go

is this something i could watch you're real seriously but then again i could be wrong because i could be dealing with who's the basketball coach that coach of chicago bulls to all those championships all i know is dean smith's no i love the guy that that coach the lake is two for a while the name of chicago bulls if he was that when he was a nick he wasn't the best player in the world but he had experience he ended up becoming one of the best coaches of all time so that's the other frame of thought that i'm not here putting anybody down and just saying i noticed that a lot of the people that teach courses he had filled jackson filled jackson filled jackson wasn't the best i'm gonna be in a kid and then the next button filled jackson

me shot the tv off like we lost filled jackson's getting put in he was known as a defensive specialist because he had lanky arms and he would throw you off but he ended up becoming one of the best coaches of all time and that's what pisses me off about this town that they have a lot of half cocked people selling people a dream that they're not qualified to sell it really gets under my point well it's most of the time it's because they just didn't get to live their dreams so they're like well that's the best thing well that's what it is you know i know for a long time like a vana chubbock that's a great acting school especially if you're a woman because a vana breaks you down what's her name again a vana chubbock oh sounds like a ice skater a

vana chubbock is a good lady and her coach is a good people chris feels this isn't chris's name chris something he's a great he teaches tuesdays at 10 a.m they have a really structured program they have beginner medium and your goal is to reach thursday night night that's when the heavy hitters go there and when you walk in there on thursday night you look around you're like wow and you've done acting classes oh yeah it's a muscle yeah you know everybody in this town complains well come on don't get booked you know nothing cracked me up more when somebody would go to montreal get a half million dollar deal to act in his own tv show and they can't act and then the network doesn't i know that if i'm if i got a deal from fox i'm calling my manager going any

show i qualify for fox better put me on to nourish me along to make me a star put him up write him into an episode of this write him into an episode of that so by the time his show gets picked up he's established himself it's really like a spinoff of all the other shows you've been on yeah that's my train of thought but that's not the train of thought here why does it surprise you that you think i went to acting class um i think because a lot of stand-ups come from the notion of you just got to get up on stage and do it and not necessarily take a class um that's why i had the same notion but you can't sell a ten thousand dollar piece of presentation with a ten dollar pair of shoes on i know that as a comic if you're doing spotless to store constantly or the improv

constantly the laugh actor or anything that you're doing to store that acting class as a beginning acting class on a a night or an afternoon when nothing's going on even if it costs you a car payment it's not going to pan out that day but it's going to pan out in six months because it teaches you how to get work as an actor i also can't see you with some of those actors i can see slapping them i am not a big i am not i am not a big fan of the phony yeah yeah i am not a big fan of that i think that you could talk all the stanislavski and the training you want and i'll show up with two motherfucking hard-hitting black motherfuckers queen with an ice cube and ask ask ice cube how many acting classes he took before friday do you find what's saying to you

yeah so i i run from two schools of thought you know there's there's uh you'll never see a comic in the harrison ford movie because harrison ford has always felt that our timing is better than anybody else's and we do have exquisite timing but i feel that you should know listen man the first time i got booked in this town i got booked for a cbs pilot started with nine pages of dialogue when we shot the pilot you know many pages out of dialogue zero because i thought my arrogance and what i heard from loser comics was that you don't need an acting class but i also had a mentor named rick dukeman who had done a bunch of movies with tom hanks and a bunch of people and he told me to get into a class just to get myself around did i get into that class no because

the arrogance at the comedy store and all the other spots told me i didn't need an acting class then because you and i have a distinguished look we could book on just looks that's what happened my first movie i did and i sucked right you see what i'm saying and those people will never use you again you'll never get a chance around them again and it's not your fault so i booked four episodes on an mbc show i'm ready to go i had booked baseball i didn't know what i was doing when they told me to step on the mark i had no idea oh yeah you're like go ahead you don't know how many times i had to grab me by the arm and move me up and how many times they would say action and i would talk without action and i i i just those guys if they ever see me they just spit

at me the two guys that's it the trey and matt trey and matt i was just a horror show and i'm but this is what happens for being arrogant this is what happens for being a no at all the one that's finaled me was the four episode arc on a show on mbc if the people weren't as nice as and i got fired from the show from telemundo i got fired the first day i was on a fire in street so i i booked telemundo that that paid for my after baseball paid for my sag oh no but when i went to do this mbc show it was uh sydney portier's daughter it was john astin's son it was a bunch of sons and daughters from movie stars so they were very nice to me but if you don't think i went home feeling humiliated

i went home feeling humiliated well see i was in ignorant bliss i didn't know it was bad at the time yes it's bad it's bad it's bad it's bad you're gonna get the chance and you're gonna fuck it up yeah and you're gonna fuck it up against people that matter now when your tape comes across that death they're never gonna look at that tape again because you weren't prepared you didn't stand right you didn't fucking play and then i was a comic which meant one of my shooting it's a movie go eat a bagel go to your room me i want to shoot right now yeah so for 13 days i'm basically why did like 13 or 14 days i'm basically i bothered them all day long when am i shooting if i want to know what i know now you bring a notebook you bring an ipod you watch tv and you write jokes not me

i do better i would sit there and watch fucking a fucking kickbox and look at the sweat from a pussy black sweats and she would kickbox what's her name kelly jenny mccarty i don't think a sporty spice and i'm sitting and i'm watching that monkey getting nice and sweaty and i would go on the trail and bang went out and look through a little window in the bathroom because i'm a savage but the point being when i done that movie josh wilford got the deal and i called josh like a man i go i can't keep doing this i have the ability to book but i don't know what i'm doing can you lend me money to get into an acting class and judge josh gave me enough money to sign up for about a job for three months that was really nice of him yes see that's what helped me back a lot

is the money so what i would do especially in the beginning was do background stuff whatever i little like commercial things i did for um coffee bean stuff they didn't pay much and there wasn't like any residuals or anything like that but i would do it just to be around and absorb everything and see everything work that's one hand that's one way but the other way i go back to comedy i never want somebody to see me as an extra yeah well that's how i got sag eligible though right no no there's people who yeah get it get a slip how many slips do you need three i got it all in doing uh you're the worst i did like uh featured background on okay yeah the worst i came from the school if you're an open mic and you're an open mic and don't go get fuck around with people

you're not supposed to get seen and the same thing with acting when i fucked up all those scenes i called my agent like a man i said don't send me out for nothing else he's like what are you talking about i go because i'm just i'm just ruining it for you so what i did was every wednesday i would run to curson to seven eleven and i would get that acting newspaper it used to be i think it's out of business now and they had every college short film and then i was getting shot and that wednesday instead of going to bed i would send out the envelopes Thursday morning so i would get the call because they have no money so your auditions usually going to be on saturday and sunday at some fucking library i mean i've been taught

additions at the park you know i mean when they have no money you audition at the park the only problem with the ones where they don't pay at all is getting people to show up well listen it's like stand up nobody's gonna give you nobody nobody shows up to their first open mic in a maserati okay i haven't been doing a shot up here now you think about it synefield has just ended and like the lowest end rider on synefield got nbc is somebody to give money for some sketch show and i remember that i got paid a hundred dollars a day to get hit in the face with pie and after a while i thought the dude was doing on purpose and i go hit me with that pie again i'm gonna break that fucking hand you know i still see the guy at the park he's got a daughter a

granddaughter did he run away from here or something no he still comes home man we still got a shot with that pilot no you don't that's been 18 fucking years yeah you know it's just i did a thousand things let me tell you something let's be correct on something you don't know how many nights i did my one o'clock spot at the store and had a four a.m. call downtown for some fucking no paying job i remember doing a movie with a bunch of chinese people when we went to the fucking review it was just our feet what your feet were in it they just shot people feet like that that was the whole movie there was such a bad cameraman that we shot it right here by vitellos and it was a story about valets that were burglars where you were eating they

would burglarize your house or your car and your keys and take your registration and go to your house and rob you and i was one of the valets and i'll never forget that i shot two fucking nights two nights from two in the morning to seven because they can't afford anything right and i'll never forget they had this fancy you know Puerto Rico little premiere over on sunset like in some fucking dump and i'll never forget leaving the movie going out there goes two nights in my life yeah but the camera guy was the camera guy from bronx tail a spanish guy and i talked to him all night about so i even though i worked for free i picked up something yeah so i worked for free in movies i did that's a dude i'm with friends with now when he's to trano i still remember doing

a movie with him that we had to go into a porno house up in the fucking hills and started midnight two nights in a row 12 to 12 shoots zero money 12 to 12 isn't that prime time for midnight to lunch 12 to 12 hour days i did the mesos for free i played a game mobster that was friday you played a game mobster i love that i played friday saturday and sunday for free i shot that in 2003 and i was shooting movies that there was certain things i would shoot just to you know it all comes down in the pipe like it all goes into a pipe and comes out of the bottom so when i didn't see a future as a standout even though i was a store a regular i attacked the acting and i took acting classes i stayed at a vana chavic for about six months and then all the auditions were on tuesday so it was

defeating the purpose tuesdays are a big audition day because they read you tuesday they call you back wednesday you they tell you thursday you go to wardrobe friday and then you shoot on monday so tuesday used to be a big edition day so i didn't go to him no more and i hooked up with a black gay guy that had AIDS that was brilliant with him i booked a travolta movie with him i booked like i was starting to get more callbacks with him i started just doing private coaching just get a coach pay him the dirty bucks yeah and go in there you know you could go it makes the world a difference yeah you could go to a vana chavic and pay two hundred dollars for a half hour or you go to the other check she wants a buck thirty for a half hour what's the one on holly brayer in between

hollywood boulevard and whatever i just i still get emails from her i go to creation station they do a podcast this chick and she's jewish cute it was funny pretty funny women no that's no no no this is acting fine i know but that's that's a fucking cult in this town i don't know that vana chavic is a great acting class that's not culty leslie kahn is a sweetheart of a woman but her school is a cult they respect her like she runs it like that's what improv feels like she sleeps there from monday to friday she charges a buck twenty for a half hour so if you have an audition and you want to go over the audition with it it's two forty for the hour so you better make sure you're working 12 or 15 days if you book her you know but she'll take you to the next level there's people i realized that

i didn't know it all might you have to come to that conclusion that you don't know it all yourself if you're a young comic i don't want you to be a fucking chico de nero's acting school but you gotta be working the muscle somewhere yeah there's i know for a fact there's an acting class up here in the valley in the garage on saturday's in the garage it's like 80 bucks a week it's saturday you're not you're not going on the road right you might as well go over there on saturday not to do anyway go over there go over there on saturday from two to three and work that muscle learn how to read the scene and then after you do that for six months and you focus on auditioning just take cold reading workshops learn how to cold read that's where your money is because once

you take the cold reading and the three minute you know those three minutes you do at the comedy store how long are your auditions yeah about three to five minutes do you understand why mincey sure is a genius yeah yeah do you see where i'm going with this so the next time you come to me and you go joey i don't know what's going on i keep going in for these movies and they're all one line what's missy three minutes i gotta figure out how to stay in that room for three minutes and do one line do you understand everything there's a plan here don't ask you don't know so do me a favor shut your fucking mouth go to an acting class because this all goes hand in hand while you're talking to your dumb fucking open mic buddies at a coffee shop afterward about

who's special this is exactly what happens you fall into a negativity go to an acting class the cheapest one and learn how actors are getting work yeah now you're about hey listen man for years when i was opening for rogan i was making a great living because i was booking two fucking costars one guest arm up you take a look at my mdb and some of them were bad and some of them were good but i always knew that they were going to come in handy you know watch the the actor studio with the black kid uh that did the movie with uh he was he jim and katie hall was just broke up jamie fox yeah you know jamie fox changed his name to jamie fox so you get a broke mic at the comedy store and shit like that jamie but jamie fox tells a great story about playing the piano

i was grandmother would make him play the piano he didn't want to play piano i don't want to play piano i don't want to play football i want to play football and when he got the call for the ray charles movie he looked up and he thanked his grandmother thank goodness i played the piano nobody missy sure got a plan when she invented that three-minute spot that's a plan that's to teach you how to do a production in three minutes you're gonna figure out that auditions no more their productions i got i got sick of going in for one line costar you know the fireman hey i'll get the baby you know i'll take a hot dog with mustard you ever see those things people those tv shows somebody has to audition for those it's true and you get you go crazy auditioning for those

because you sit there for an hour outside the door listen to hi my name is lisa okay yeah i'll take a size 11 yeah i'll take a size 11 thank you for coming in and everybody who goes in i'll take a size 11 so i would go in earlier and listen even though my spot was at 11 i would go at 10 20 and i wouldn't sign in i would sit there and listen to everybody's audition and i would make sure that whatever i did was gonna be different whatever i do you like to listen to other people gotta listen i do and you'll hear the same shit yeah hey don't touch that that's my bicycle hey don't touch that that's my bicycle hey don't touch that that's my bike hey don't touch that that's my bicycle and then you walk in and go hey that's my bicycle don't touch it

and they'll go that's not the line where it is right now and when you go now on the audition when the producer sees that tape. You and some guys like Clint Eastwood, David Chase, there's some guys that don't want you changing the lines. I remember I went in and I'm not exaggerating. I'm not exaggerating. I lived here at a time when you went out for three auditions a day.

Theatrical and two commercials. Your day started at nine and it started at 200 South Lebray and it ended on Bundy and then fucking, then you had to go to Santa Monica at five o'clock to be a model for your hands. I did do one thing right before my hand. Give it to those. They make you wait and I went behind.

We were running 45 minutes behind. And you're looking at the clock in Santa Monica and you're walking, you put your hand in puddles with soap, then you pull them out and they're like, thank you, that was phenomenal. And you drive home like. I'm on IMDB, it just says hands. Really?

Whose hands were you? I was my own, but I was like buying a dildo or something. Oh, Jesus. And it's just my hand. It's crazy. And when you tell people these stories, they do not believe it. Last week, I'm sitting on the computer and I hear ping,

ping, ping, ping. And I look home when it's for Bank of America deposits. So that means it's SAG. When I get four on the roll, that means it's SAG checks. So I look at one 38 cents. I look at the other one, one penny. I look at the other one, $45. The other one was like $300.

But I looked at that one penny one. Like I deposited the check, it's direct deposit. They deposited the one penny check. The best is when they would mail you. It would cost more than mail it. It costs you to mail a one penny. And people listen going, Joe, you deposited a one penny check?

No, I have direct deposit from the union. I would deposit it. But when I look at those checks, I go, wow, I've been around for a long time. Like I get, what I get in residuals every month, most people, it's nice. When I make on residuals alone every month, like I look at that thing, I'm very proud of that number.

It's not gonna cover me or buy me a house. But it's a lot better than not getting anything. Gas or something. My wife opened them up and go, huh, $4. I go, who sent you fucking $4 for that? Anybody sent you $4 for that? No, so shut the fuck up. At least somebody had the audacity

to send me $4 and 38 cents a day. And someday that $4 will cover a Wendy's burger and a fucking drink. It really does. You know, I never understood the comic that regardless of, I don't like saying other people's words. You know, well, Bill Hicks said not to act. That's great, but Bill Hicks died without insurance.

But even when you do stand up, a lot of times you, you're still saying other people's words when you're telling your story. Cause you can't have it without both sides. So what's the difference really? I would love it. You know, like I just, when I came here, I knew I only had one shot in the majors.

This is the major leagues. This is in New York or Boston or Texas or anywhere else. I'm not disrespecting any other market. Yeah, that's really awesome. This is where decisions are made, you know? So I knew for me to be on top of my game, there were all these things I did. You know, you're looking at me.

I took four or five writing classes in the I.O. Am I a sketch writer? No, but I guarantee I got something out of those five classes. I went for like a semester and a half. He was the head writer of the show that Chelsea became a star on. Chelsea Lately? Before Chelsea Lately, that she became a star on.

There was a girl, Kira Soltanovic. There was a show about girls that were playing nasty tricks on you. Oh yeah. And he was the head writer. This had to be 20 fucking years ago. He was the head writer. That's who taught at I.O.

Girls gone bad, something about. Yeah, it was kind of like a practical joke. Girls behaving badly. Girls behaving badly. I know I didn't get nothing. Ken John was in it too. Yeah, a lot of people did that show. That started a lot of people's career.

But it's funny how I don't regret anything. I can't look you in the face. I took the Christian cap with an acting workshop. He was the vice president of casting at Fox. He was brilliant. I took a workshop by a casting, the guy who casted Godfather II and Donnie Brasko. I still have the paperwork.

It was a birthday present from my wife, 2001. And I still go over that list before I go to the audition. Really? Yes. It's a list to check yourself. Right. You make different notes on the page that you're gonna read so you know where the inflections are,

what the character's thinking the moment before. He teaches you. You know, he told the stories about the girl from sleepers. Fucking hung her shoe around the fucking doorknob with her resume and the tape and put, how do I get my foot in the door? You know, all those things of people who really want it. There's people who say,

I want to go to Hollywood and be a star. There's people who tell you exactly how they're gonna do it. They tell you the steps on how they're gonna do it. You know, I took all, I paid for all those workshops. Even though I was a junkie, I went out of my way. I went to the lady from NYPD Blue had a casting workshop because not only it was worth the 80 bucks or 60 bucks

because if you're decent, at least they get to see you and they keep your memory back. And listen, Christian Kaplan put me in taxi from the reading workshop. From that cold reading workshop, a month or two later, I got a call from him and it was funny, Bobby Slayton had the role. The director was friends with Bobby

and I'd given him the role. I went in there and knocked it off and I got a call an hour later. Bobby's like, can you fucking believe this? I had three days on taxi and they hired somebody else. I go, what room were you playing? He goes, I was playing the bicycle guy in the mechanic shop. I went right over him because I had Christian Kaplan.

That, you know, so they used to have a paper that told you where all that stuff was available to you where you could take all those works up and some of them are ripoffs. Yeah, you gotta be careful. Check with me and I'll let you know. If you see one that's interesting on a Saturday or something, like two to five,

that's like, I can't do an eight hour one. You're not gonna do it. That's too much information. Nobody could do those. But two to five, if they show you a little film, they give you material to prepare and they give you notes on your material, you fucking take a lot home.

And at least you got that covered and now you'll know why those three minutes are so fucking important. She was the first one to do that three minutes at? I don't know. I didn't know I was asking him, meant he was the first one to do that three minutes. But think about it.

How many people leave the county and still going? I couldn't even tell a joke in three minutes. Well, if you wanna get in here. You gotta do three minutes. You better learn. You better fucking learn how to do three minutes. And while learning how to do three minutes, you also learn how to do a good audition.

You learn how to be big in the room, how to play in the room. This is what nobody understands. This is why I tell young comics to shut your fucking mouth. You don't have a fucking clue of what's going on. You don't have a clue of what the plan is in front of you. You have 50% knowledge about what the fuck you.

That's why we're- Oh yeah, as soon as I think I know what's going on. You don't. Yeah, it's left turning like, I don't even know. All you need to do as a comic is go to acting class, write comedy and get on stage. Everything else in this town is foreign to me. Like when people would come to me,

hey, you wanna do, I don't know what you're talking about. And I'll do those 100-hour-day movies and those free movies. But I gotta see that everybody's involved. When you first start out, it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. You just kinda get- I did student ones when I first started. Yeah, you gotta do student films.

It doesn't matter. 15, then come see me. I did 15, 15 to 16 of those fucking bummy things. None of them. Oh, we're gonna take this to the USC festival. Get the fuck outta here. I did one where we shot it, then they actually sold it.

You think they called me? No, they called somebody else. You get beat up, but it's camera time. You learn and you meet different fucking people. You know, somebody sent me, I did scare tactics. Scare taxes is back. Really? Yes, from 2001 and 2002.

It's on Netflix and it's rocking. The people that put it together have been hitting me up lately to retweet it, retweet it, retweet it. And I saw one the other night on MTV where it was me and the guy that shoots Tony Montana in Scarface at the bar, when he's at the bar on the phone, all fucked up, two Colombians get up and unload on him.

I met him on a scare tactic shoot. This is the guy that did one of the greatest movies of all time. And I met him and that's a complete different muscle. That's an improv muscle. That's a muscle that I come in as a tough guy and say, hey, you stole 20 kilos. You're like, I don't know what you're talking about.

I gotta scare you. I watched myself on those. And I was like, wow, that was a complete different muscle. But every muscle that you work all leads to the same. Destination, I hope. Which is the stage. And you're doing great with it. I really gotta, what's this new show?

Felicia says you were Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin. Are you fucking crazy? I know, isn't it crazy? How many episodes? It's just one guest role. I have like seven lines with Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. I play like a biker chick and I scare them. Did you tell Lily you're at the store?

I did. And what did she say? I did, I asked her to do our podcast. Cause I just. You fucked up, but. You should have asked her to do it. You should have asked her to come to the store first and then put the finger in her ass.

But now you can't even get her to the store. Cause she's the one thing she's gonna be bothered cause she has to do a fucking podcast. No, she said she'd be down. I don't know if she was lying to me. Yeah, they'll tell you whatever they want to hear when they're there, try calling her that. She changed her number already.

But Jane, I think she ended up liking me more at the end than Lily did. I thought that was, I just didn't think it was gonna go that way. But they were both great. Oh my God, she looks so fucking good. And she took good care of herself. She's, I don't even want to say how old she is.

Doesn't matter. She is up there and she still looks amazing. I don't know how she does it. How is, when you worked with Clint, you worked with Jane, you worked with Lily, you know, later on in life, I got to work with Rodney towards as loud as he is. Oh nice.

How was their mind? Like, were they sharp? Did you notice anything? I think Jane is sharp. Lily, she still seems sharp to me, but I think she's always been goofy and that's just kind of her personality. She's so cute.

She's such a cutie. And then Clint, I'd say the big thing with him is just seems like he's slowed down. But I think he's with it. Well, he shot that movie, he was 90, wasn't he? Or 89? 89, 88, 89? 88, 89.

Yeah. I watched that movie three times already because it came on HBO the week after I'd seen another fucking plane. Like I finally see it on a fucking plane. Now you want to come on HBO. So I watched it twice just because I'm such a fan of his. And just to see what it's like to shoot at that age.

Like, I wish God gives me the power to just watch my daughter grow. And I could act at 65 just to see how. Like I've done a movie with Paul Savino. You got to shoot him. The older people, you got to shoot them quick. There's no. That's what I was asking you about.

What's that? Paul Savino. Yeah, that's what I was saying to you before after we figured out the name. When I shot with Paul, room number one, you got to shoot Paul. He ain't going to be in all eight hours. You just gonna, it's the law of diminishing returns.

Every hour, I mean, he was falling asleep in between takes. Rodney would fall asleep in between takes, you know. These guys are a little older. Yeah. You can't really run them like you used to 12 hour day. Lily Tomlin doesn't want to do a 12 hour day. No, but well, she did. I was so surprised on what a long day that they did

cause they would, and then at lunch, they would break and they would go do a table read for the next day. And I was like, you're not, you're not going to take a little break at all. Like, come on, they would eat lunch as they're doing a table read. They have not stopped working. And then you got to think about Clint too.

He's down there in that Atlanta, a summer heat. And that's nothing to, you know, scarf about or taught whatever, I can't talk, you know, at 88 in the middle of a summer in Atlanta and he's doing scenes outside. I mean, a lot of us can even handle that on our own. You know, when I look at those older guys, it's because your mind has to stay really sharp.

You still got to know your dialogue and you still got to fucking have your timing. And I just give them a lot of credit. I really do. You know, Clint, I'm watching the other day and I can say, you know, please don't put Clint in like a fighting movie or something, you know, like an arrow, don't do shit like that.

But SNL was right that he did give himself two, three ways, two, three sums. What do you mean? Oh yeah. In the movie. Oh yes, he did. Yes, he did. Yes, he did.

They were fucking pissed out of him. So one day, that motherfucker took his last chick home that had a big ass too, one of those scenes, didn't he? Clint was still slinging dick in that movie. He was. He got how many threesomes in that? Two. Two, three, 88 years old.

Why do you think people at that age still work? Cause like other professions, people retire. Is it just the money's so good or do they actually have to do it? It's love, man. It's love. If you ain't got love for this, it ain't ever gonna work.

That's what most people never really figured out. That they sit here and after 18 years, they figured out, you have to love this. Yeah, cause you take a lot of them for the use. Whether they pay you, they don't pay you, you do it out of love. This is what you do. I don't know what you're talking about.

I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm here to do one thing. I love doing comedy. You have to fall in love with something that it hurts you. It hurts you that you're not even at that level that you have to hurt. It's like when a girl breaks up with you, those first four years, I still remember being nine.

All right, last night I found another notebook. I went through some boxes this weekend and I found my comedy notebook from 2004. No, yes. 2004. Do you know where I was last night, Sunday night, whatever the date was, what was Sunday night's date? Do you know where I was, August 25th, 2004?

That was 25 years ago, right? Yeah, were you in prison? No, I was, I found the, I did two spots that night. I did a spot at some bar, Harpo's or something that I don't remember. But the first spot I did was at 730. It was a climb dancing class. What?

And I came on at 830. Last night, when I saw that, I went in the shower. Usually I drink espresso before I go, that's my secret. Before I go to the commissar, the reason why I go bananas on stage is because I'm a ball of espresso. I drive with no music and I just get myself, I think of all the bad things people did to me as a kid

and by the time I get there, I just blow up. Last night I left the house so fired up without espresso. I didn't even remember I didn't have an espresso until I hit Sunset Boulevard because I was so overwhelmed. With that honk-a-tonk, but donk-a-tonk. 25 years ago. 15.

25 years ago, 1994. Oh, 1994. 94, I was opening up at a fucking line dancing night on a Sunday night. That's hilarious. And here I was 25 years later, not driving to a comedy club, but driving to the world famous comedy store.

Now, do you want me to lie to you and tell you that night I was doing my 10 minutes in front of those comfy bumpkins that I even had the comedy store on my mind? It was nowhere on my radar, in my heart. It wasn't in my soul. I just thought I was just a loser comic. You did, that's kinda sad. It's the truth.

The first four years of comedy, you love five years, you shouldn't feel that great. Things are not blooming in your world. I loved it. I loved it. I loved getting shit on because life is taking 20 shits on you and your personal life. And this was better.

This is solid boops. You know, listen, I could sit there. Riley, let's say I'm sitting there. Somebody's just taking shits on me. That's one thing. But what if I got my tongue up fucking? Charlize Theron's ass. I'll keep taking shit to the head

while I lick a little clip of that. If I'm licking that little clip and I got that finger in her ass working and that little monkey's opening it up and you're reading that thing, I don't give a fuck what you do to me. You can just keep throwing shit on my head. It doesn't really matter.

I mean, it doesn't. I have so many questions. But it's the truth. You know, when you first five years of comedy, you're just taking shit. If there's 52 weeks in a year, you're gonna have one good week, you know, which is seven good days.

I'm exaggerating. I'm being a little negative. You're gonna have 13 good days where you feel good about yourself out of those 365 years. Then by the sixth, seventh year, you start feeling 50 good days. Like somebody's interested in you for a festival.

Somebody wants you to send in a tape, you know what I'm saying? Like you make strides. But the first four years, you should be crying yourself to sleep every night. Your friends are calling you to get married. They're doing this. They're doing that. They're the old skin.

I don't know my first four years. I loved it because I felt like- Where were you? In Sacramento. Okay, you were in a nice place. I didn't even know this was something that I could do. You know, and then all of a sudden it just kind of shows up and I'm like, you mean anybody can do this?

I thought, like I was so ignorant to how comedy worked. I thought somebody saw you on the street and said, hey, you're funny. Come with me. That's what I thought. I thought somebody, I didn't know about specials. I thought a guy showed up and did an hour. And then he got in his car and went home

and- Like how lucky you got pulled off the street to do that. I didn't know there was any work involved. I thought anybody could just go up there and do an hour and just be, that's what I thought. I didn't know anything about the process. You know, I didn't know the process. Yeah, so when I found it,

it was just like, I finally, cause I had gotten out of the Air Force and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. How long were you in the Air Force for? Six years. Oh, so you got benefits and everything now. God bless you. Except for dental.

Small move. Except for dental. But you know, I didn't know what I wanted to do. And then I found comedy and it just felt like my whole life, everything made sense. Like why did I go through all this shit as a kid? And why did I do, you know, it just all made sense because I was supposed to do this.

And I was so happy in the beginning. And you would go to open mics and I would just drink and I, you know, we'd just have fun with my friends and do these open mics. You know, ignorant time, everything worked. And I felt like that was my happiest time. Well, that was your bliss. Yeah.

See, that was my bliss. My first four years were bliss because there was no headshot. Yeah. There was no resume. I didn't have any of that. There was no talking to me about an agent or a casting director.

I knew nothing about that. All I learned how to do was how to go on stage. And I was in Boulder, where I used to have to have poetry readings and they throw me out. Get the fuck out, you know, I'm back in there. I'm open in front of music, anything. It's just, yeah.

So you did your open mic in Sacramento for how long? Four years. And you would do like the punchline and all those places? I didn't do the punchline as much. I ended up at the comedy spot because that's where I started. That's a good spot. And I ended up managing there, so I did a lot there.

But then we would do it open mics in the bars and anywhere else, we'd go to laughs unlimited, do that open mic. And sometimes we would go to San Francisco and try to hit up some places. And how long have you been here for now? I think going on four years now. How long have you been a door girl at the store?

Two and a half years. And now we have the prestigious to say that we have the first female door man. Door man, yep. Door man, how did you talk him into it? I just kept hanging out there and I wasn't shy about letting him know I wanted the job. And then I was working for Tammy upstairs in the belly room.

Bitch. Yep. Love the name of the show she runs. That's the name of the show she runs. I love Tammy, I love the name of the show. I love the name of the show. It's great to go on, you ever go on, you ever go on fucking whatever and it's just bitch.

That's my type of name. I like that. He's so cute. Tammy had me out front making sure people went to the right direction, to the right room. And so since I was standing out there, I was like, you know what? I didn't know how to do this.

I checked IDs at the gates and stuff in the Air Force. I was like, I'm just gonna check IDs for everybody so they can see I can do this job. So I was just helping them out, showing people where to go, checking IDs so they could already see I could do it, you know? And then I just kept telling them I wanted the job. Are you happy you took the job?

Yes. And how long have you been there for now? Two and a half years. What have you learned? Oh, I'm still pretty stubborn, but I do, I mean, look at the people you get to watch go up every night. People you get to learn from,

the people that I've gotten to open for was been amazing. I've gotten to meet Felicia there. And I remember the first time I met her was at the back door and she came up to me and she introduced herself and all this. And I was like, yeah, I know who you are, you know? And then I asked her to do a podcast because at first I thought, well,

our voices would just be cool together, you know? Cause I have more of a deep voice and she's got that soft voice. And I would have never met her, you know, if it wasn't working the door. So it's opened up a lot of doors. Bust of Rhymes kissed me while I was working the door. I mean, you actually watch the comedy some nights

when you have time, you actually watch and look and listen. People always comment because they're like, they can tell when I'm there cause they can hear me laughing. Yeah, I love it. You know, I was a door man also. I didn't know you were a door guy. At the store on Sunday nights,

she would let me double between the emcee and the door. So with emcee and work the door, that's how good I had been. See, I loved this. So she loved me. I never fucked the rest in peace. So I don't want people to say, ah, I didn't fuck that. She was 80 years old, you were eating that ass.

No, she just saw I was a fucking animal. So she liked Cuban people. She was Jewish, but she lived in Miami for a while. And she was really impressed by the work she was doing. When I first met Metzi, she told me, ah, I love it. I got a Cuban here. They break their backs for you and all this shit. You know, she kind of insulted me,

but I don't give a fucking Smitsi show, you know. She would insult me all the fuck she's doing. That's how we feel about Joe Diaz. Yeah. No, that don't give a fuck. But it's how is the experience, it's let you know what you wanted to do in your life. Like you've seen some amazing things up there.

You and I both know it's an amazing, amazing place. Like no other, honestly. It really is. It's such a grunge feel to it too. That people have, you can just feel, you can feel that people have passed through there and the things that have happened there. And the people that come from all around,

you know, they know what they're coming to see. And they see the best comedy in the world. And I'm lucky enough to work there and meet these people and get to know them. I mean, there's a reason why all the open micers are trying to be door guys at the comedy store. How many nights a week are you working? Well, it just changed.

I was doing phones for three nights or three days a week. And now it looks like I'm gonna be starting this week. I'm doing three nights a week again. I would just cover people here and there when I was working phones and do nights, just whenever people needed it. But now it looks like I'm gonna do about three nights a week at the door.

And you act a lot? Yeah, I'm trying. You book a lot. I've been doing better lately. So let's hope that keeps up. But yeah, it's been pretty steady as far as when I first started, you know, doing it. Like I said, the first movie I did that was sucked.

I was not good. I, you could see, you could tell I was like waiting for my lines, okay. But they could fix it when I shouldn't edit it, you know? Like they could fix that. Yeah, but they edited it weird. They were like in a rush. And for some of the funnest scenes that I'd done,

they ended up cutting out. You know, you know, that's how that happens a lot of times. And they made it all just back and forth between these two houses. And I was like, that's not the fun part. You need to break this up a little bit. So whatever, it was fun. It was the first like real set I got to be on.

So that was one of these weeks. Which one? The police would one? No, this was the first movie I did was, it was a legit set. It was low budget sag, but. 100 a day? 125 a day, yeah.

Not bad, okay. It went up a little bit. Yeah, but it was a learning experience. And they had everything, you know, there, that does as far as studio, you know, craft services and somebody there for wardrobe. Like you would have on any big studio production. So it felt like it was larger than it was.

I'm very proud of you for taking that route. A lot of comics are stubborn and they don't know what. I always didn't want to be here 20 years without a union card. Every fucking year I got a union card. And I have every one of them saved. Like they're so special to me. You know, it's so weird that, like I told you,

I went down to the store the other night, so excited because 25 years ago, not only was I driving to a fucking country, Western bar to follow Ake Brake Heart when they played it for a fucking hour, but I would also force myself to go there because I would have to return to my daughter on those nights. So I was fighting the pain in my heart and how bad of a comic I was.

Here I was at a fucking Ake Brake Heart joint when my friends were at the comedy works getting the same information. But I think of all those things. You know, I think about doing Spider-Man 2. And at Spider-Man 2, a lady would knock on my door, walk me to the gate and they'd pay the guy to tell you, don't step on that cable.

And then they would have a guy that would open the door at Sony and you'd walk in. And then another guy would grab you and ask you if you wanted something to drink. And then when you got to the train, another girl would come and she'd fix you up all nice and pretty. And then you got on the train and you're like, wow, I feel like a star.

And then a year later, I did a $100 a day movie where you walked in your thing and your wardrobe is not hung up. There's no lunch. They let you leave the set for lunch. And you're like, what are you talking about? What if I get into a car accident? What if I come back?

Yeah. Like I was like blown away. Like there's no food. There wasn't apple and a banana. And I'd just come back. And then, so I'm very proud of these things. I did, I started with a SAG movie. And then somewhere along the line, it was like scale.

Then it went down to like 450. I could live with those. When I did the Rodney movie, it was 459 a day. But it was Rodney and I worked 11 days. And then I did another movie and it was 250 a day. That's SAG low budget. Then there was SAG ultra low budget, which was 100. Then there's another SAG that's 50.

There is? Yes. I keep going forward. I don't know about, yeah. Miniscule budget. I did a movie with a guy that was a non, he was a featured extra. So he hung out, but I don't understand it

because he had contact with the principals. So when you have contact with the principals, if they hire Jessica off in addition, and I come up to Jessica and say, can I get you a cup of coffee and I'm an extra? All of a sudden I become a principal. Well, that's because you had a line. Because I had a line.

But I did featured like background work, extra work, but I didn't have any lines was the thing. We were in an improv class. So that we just had to like mime our lines or what we might be saying or whatever. So they just don't give you a line and they don't have to make you principal. That's crazy.

That's crazy. I'm waiting to do a soap up. Cause they're gonna call you. That'd be fun. No, it's not. No, I'd like to do it just to know what it's about. Nobody talks to you. Aw.

When you do a soap opera, nobody talks to you. Like when you do a movie, hi, I'm the first AD. I'm Jennifer. Let me walk you to your trailer. Cause Victor's been there for 30 years. Grab services over there. You check in on ABC. You know, at the end of the sunset,

at the end of Hollywood does that. If you're going east, not west towards the beach. If you're going east. On Hollywood Boulevard, instead of staying on Hollywood, go up that little block right by, I forget what, hard, hard,

hillhurst. There's a block location at ABC and you pull back there and you give them your ID and lady looks at you and says, you're in office 12. Thank you. And you look and you're like, I don't even know what office 12 is. And you start walking around and you go to your office

and you sit down and your suit's there, your clothes is there, but there's a teleprompter. And your sides are there and the teleprompter tells you when you come up. You're not even allowed out there. It was very interesting. You said they bought stand-ins. Yeah.

Okay. Because with this, you're not allowed out there. They'll say scene 32 now, 48 is up next. Go out there. You don't basically even block. Like they tell you where to stand on a soap opera. You do your lines. You ever do a line and you go,

hey, the cabin's on fire. If you say Schlade, they won't even make you do a line over. They'll just go, the cabin's on fire. Cut, moving along. But I said fire. You don't know. I did three days on General Hospital. I got in at eight and I was in the car by 9.30.

Wow. Yeah, soap operas rapid fire and they just move. That's why Victor's been in it. What's the, I don't know what his real name is, but he's played Victor for how long? At least 30 years. On General Hospital? I think not, Young and the Restless.

Young and the Restless, yeah. People that have those jobs, they die. That's a year. They're home by five. Don't work Saturday and Sunday. You get there at nine. Some days you don't work, you get paid for a full week. It's not a bad fucking job at all.

But it's weird because what were you saying about stand-ins earlier? Oh, when I did Grayson Frankie, that was my first experience where I had a stand-in. Like somebody was paid to be my stand-in. So I didn't have to go out and, you know, stand in the shot for them to set the cameras and do the lighting and all that.

She did that for me so I could just relax. And I was like, this is the way you're supposed to act. Now, have you ever run anything about Gene Hackman? No. Gene Hackman is a phenomenal actor. Somebody I looked up to and he believes you never leave the set. So because he believes you never leave the set,

I never leave the set. No, I'm still at like- If I'm in the scene, there's times I would stand there and people go, you know, Joe, you could go say now, I would stand there and just wait it out until the casting or the director was like, it's gonna be a while, go sit down.

I'll stand there because I wanna see the action and the pace of the set. Yeah. I don't ever just wanna walk up on the set. I go to the set and I'll sit. Like if I have to shoot it on Thursday, I'll go to the set on the Wednesday. Go get lunch, say hello.

Yeah, I'm there to get fitted. But that's a lot. I'm there to watch the action. The set, how he's directing, the style, how many takes is he doing, how detailed are they, oriented are they? I like going the day before. Like wardrobe, when they tell you,

just come to the set and you have to walk through. I'll sit for two minutes and just watch. I love watching the scene before me and I watch. Even if it doesn't correlate with my scene, I watch it because I wanna know what they're doing. I wanna see the cadence. I wanna pick up the cadence. You know, it's so, Felicia and I had a conversation

the other night that this is, I think life offers this, but our occupation offers it more. We never stop learning. You never stop learning. You never stop learning. And, you know, everything I've done in my life complements everything. You know, everything I've done,

whether it's been the acting class, the podcast, the IO, the road stand up, the comedy store stand up, the stand up and the bars. I have to stand up on a bus on time with a Disney bus in New York, yeah. All those bombings, they all come back to help you later on. They want you, but in a positive way.

It's so weird when you're in town, make an investment in yourself. Take an acting class for 120 days and see the correlation between see why people keep the sets at six minutes and three minutes. I love people come to this town. I couldn't get my shit off in three minutes, huh?

Good luck. Because you're not gonna be able to do anything. You're gonna audition three minutes, you dumb fuck. So it all goes back to hand in hand, you know what I'm saying? Now you have a podcast with Felicia, the Liars Club. Yeah, it's going good. I know it's going good. The reason why I can't do it

is because I ain't going downstairs in that basement. I heard. If you notice anything about me. We'll come to you. If you notice anything about Uncle Joey, Uncle Joey in 22 years has been in that basement three times. Okay.

Yeah, because there's no windows. Yeah, no, I just don't like it down there at all. What happened to you if you were in a basement? Is it all basements? It's just a basement. And I was down there before it was finished. Yeah, it was creepy when it was finished. Is that why you don't like the train in New York?

Well, I don't mind the train in New York. I just felt that, you know, I don't want to be in a fucking subway with people on top of me with lights flying. Fair and comfortable. I don't need that shit right now. When I was 21, I loved the subway. There's action.

Okay. Worst case scenario, you're getting to a fist fight. No, no, no. I love all that shit. The comedy store downstairs, I have my reasons. Just too fucking creepy for me. Too... There wasn't a difference between my comedy store tenure

this time and my comedy store tenure last time. There's one difference. I don't date the waitress no more. If I learned something from Mitzi, sure I learned. I keep it light at the comedy store. I don't want to be involved in nothing. I don't want to be involved in nothing. In the old days, when you got involved with Mitzi

with something, that project failed, your ass was on that fucking shit. So I learned from the old days. I go there, I do my spots, and I leave. You ever see me promote my own show there? No. There's a reason. I take from that place what?

I need to take from that place. I'm gonna start doing a one man show in the belly room. I'm gonna start working it out on Wednesdays, once a month. That I'll do. But you don't see me getting involved in that. I don't go any deeper. I don't want to be any deep. I don't want to go downstairs.

I don't, yeah, not your body. Go upstairs to the bar upstairs. Does it involve climbing stairs? Yeah, I don't need to go upstairs. I can see the hills from here. I don't need to go upstairs and talk to somebody. When it came to the commie store, my longevity was because I kept the light.

Like the other day, I sat in the office and I heard a little bit of gossip and I got in the car. I'm like, that's the first time I've heard gossip here. Since I've been back because I don't let myself get caught up. I don't, it's a business for me. It's not a hangout. It used to be a hangout. But I still never did Coke there.

I used to buy my Coke there. And I wouldn't do it before I go on stage. I'd do it afterward. But I always, even though I was a junkie, I always had a weird respect for the store. Couldn't do Coke in front of Joe Rogan. He would hate me. So when I was at the store,

I always kept at a certain pace. I never did Latino night. Not many times she offered me my own Latino night. Yeah, you could have had that. I do the store a certain way for a reason. I keep it very light. I don't bother you. You don't bother me.

And we all stay friends. All right, you don't have to do the podcast. No. And I keep coming down here. And I keep coming down here three times a week. I won't, you know what I'm saying? Like I don't need to take eight spots a week and do all the belly room spots.

I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. I'm not here to take food out of your mouth. I'm here to help myself, be a better comic, help the show, be better. Fuck the lean Sebastian's down there. Yeah. I gotta go down there and really rock it.

You know what I'm saying? Like that's why, but I never did. I never got into bed with Mitchie Shaw on a business level down there. Whenever people want to do something, I bow out. I keep the comedy store as a place that I don't ever want a problem there. I don't ever want a problem there.

And that's why I've been there. I walked out of there in 2007. I didn't get asked to leave. I walked out of there because I wanted to walk. I walked out on my feet, not walk out on my knees. That's the comedy store. You always want to walk out before they tell you to leave. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? So I walked out on my own two feet because I knew Tommy was going to lose his head. And the other fucking moron was going to get both their heads handed to him. So I had already done my stint. And if you're in any club, if you start the funny bone in Omaha, you got six years

before you could have to move to LA. After six years, the club owner, you've already done New Year's. You've done Thanksgiving. You've done the Fourth of July as a headliner. You've opened for everybody. What's your longevity in the comedy club when you first started?

I had never done New Year's. So this past New Year's, I had hit up Bert. I was like, can I do a guest set with you? I forget where he was. I think it was like San Jose or something. He was like, you can come down, hang out. And then I got there and he was like, you really want to do a set?

And I was like, well, yeah. He's like, have you ever done New Year's? I was like, no. He's like, I don't know if you really want to do this. How about you just sit back and watch this time? And it is different. I've never, still haven't done New Year's. It's a blow hard.

It's a blow hard? Yeah. Because it's people that don't really go to comedy all the time. Yeah. They're just out for the one night. They're out for the one night. It's fucking midnight.

I got to stop what I'm doing to count. I look like Dick Clark D. You know what I'm saying? I'll do New Year's. I've done enough of them. I did the first 20 of them. I did enough of them. I never got the money everybody talked about.

I never got extra money. Oh, wait till New Year's. You're going to make a ton of money and all that. I already else got it. I never got it. I got into, I just dealt with drunk people and people being there again. And a couple of years ago, I just said, it's not worth it.

And I just stopped doing them. I'm not doing it this year either. I'm going away. I'm taking the girl's cane for the week. Oh, nice. Yeah, I'm not going to be here for New Year's. I wasn't here for the New Year's last year either. Not worth it.

Not to me at this level. Right. Not to me at this level. But I did the first 18 years of New Year's. I think I didn't do my first and the second. Everything after that, I worked New Year's. Two or three of them going up a dry storm. I'm a fucking, going up before a host man.

I love host man. Me and Rogan, I would open for Rogan at the improv. And then we'd do two shows and then we'd shoot over to the store on New Year's Eve. And then I'd do the main room at the store for the check there too. And honestly, I hated all three sets. Yeah.

It was just a fucking fun. It's like one big bachelorette party. Yeah. It just wasn't. But you need to do them. So you need to learn how people act on New Year's. One of the biggest debts I ever had was New Year's in Miami. I went on that stage, cocky boy.

And it was not bumblebees and fucking snoring. I went back, I didn't even party. I just went back to my hotel room and cried. But then somebody told me it's a different audience. But that's all bullshit. They're all the same people. It's just, it goes in your head. New Year's, you start thinking differently.

You think they're thinking differently. And it's just people that, I don't like New Year's. You have to really enjoy it to sell it, you know? So I liked doing a New Year's show early to let people go do what they want. Yeah, because it should be like a dinner and a show type thing. Yeah. Get the fuck out.

Nine o'clock, go to your buddy's house, jump up and down with the Filipinos. I don't want to do that. I don't, at 12 o'clock, I'm going to be home. I don't want to be clocking or counting down or whatever. So you do the Liars Club, do you have a website? I do. What's the website?

The Liars Club website or mine? Yours. At funnyjeswellington.com. Listen, man, you're making some great strides. Thank you. And I always wanted to get you on the podcast. I just wanted to be the right time and now is the right time.

Have you seen, you have to look at my Instagram. Me and Felicia did that age app thing. And we took a picture her and I together. And she looks like she's still doing a podcast with you. Because I looked exactly like you. And then it's pretty. It's not good. It's not good.

That's not good. That's not good, but I just appreciate you and I appreciate your heart and your balls as a woman. And nothing pisses me off when people say women ain't funny. And there you are, a fucking trooper working the door. So you have an open invite and you always have a spot in my heart because you're the real deal.

Oh, I've had a great time. Thank you. It's an honor. Yeah. Because I am a fan and I watch it. Yeah. It's gonna have you on too. And hopefully I'll do me a little fame

and maybe get together with Lee and bust a nut. He has a bust. Yeah. Like I said, I need a roommate, so. You and Lee should move it together. Let's do it. You should tip top into his room in the middle of the night. That's a sitcom for sure.

Yeah, I know. That's not a sitcom. That's a porno cock sucker. Anyway, the church and what's happened now is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. So listen, hiring is a challenge. Zip Recruiter makes it easy, nice and easy. Hiring is challenging,

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Church and get 10% off to live it right to your house. Do not forget, the ice house is sold out. There's a few tickets left for the majestic theater in Dallas. I think there might be a few left in San Antonio on the 14th, but the Chicago theater's alive and kicking. That's on the 27th. It's gonna be a fucking tremendous show.

I'm not even gonna tell you who's gonna be on that show. Just go get tickets right after Labor Day. Go enjoy Labor Day, go hang out with your cousins, jump up and down, eat potato tots. And that fucking, when I come in, I'm coming in fucking heavy to Chicago. So don't forget, the Friday the 13th, forget the black cat. It's Uncle Joey in Dallas at the majestic.

Sadly, I'm at the Aztec Theater in San Antonio. I think it's all sold out. And on September 27th, the Chicago Theater bitches, be there or be square, you bad motherfuckers. I'm leaving you with a tremendous song called End This Love by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. All right, I hope you enjoy it. I'll see you motherfuckers Thursday morning, tip top,

motherfucking magoo. Kick this mule, Lee. I think I'm gonna do it. My love, there's only you in my life, the only thing that's right. My first love, you're every breath that I take. You're every step I make. And I want to share all my love with you.

No one else will do. Your eyes, they tell me how much you care. Oh, yes, you will always be my endless love. Two hearts, two hearts that beat as one. How nice is just being loved forever. I'll hold you close in my arms. I can't resist your charms. And I'll be your proof for you.

I am yours. You know I don't mind. I'll be you. You mean the world to me. Oh, I know I'm found in you, my endless love. Oh, oh my love. Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, oh baby.

Oh, oh, no, no, no. Oh, oh, oh, give me love. Oh, love, I'll be there for you, I'll show you You know I don't mind Oh, you know I don't mind Yeah, you You'll be the only one Oh, oh, I can't deny

This love I had this time I'm giving all to you My love You're mine in this love