Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #714 - Dan Cummins

Episode Date: August 29, 2019

Dan Cummins, a stand up comedian seen on Comedy Central and heard as the host of the "Timesuck" podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your first month for just $5 while supplies last.    Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH  

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Com slash church the church is also brought to you by you ready for this So now you got your helmet and tip top water right now I got you some hymns and you got the helmet now. You got to be a gentleman Everybody wants to get that pole sucked, but it looks like a fucking it looks like the Amazon jungle down there Half of it is burning your balls got mold on it I'm here to tell you Uncle Joe. He's gonna fucking help you out. The fall is coming put away the white fucking clothes All right It's time to fucking trim your fucking nut sack and the fucking trees little lawn around the tree

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That's C H U R C H. That's Manscape comm use promo code church For 20% off your first order and keep your fucking nut sack Smelling tip-top fucking magoo. All right Lee kick this motherfucking meal. Oh shit We got Dan Cummings in the motherfucking house We're not fucking around Labor Day weekend shave your nut sack. I Bet you didn't get your dick sucked all night or something. You know why does it smell like dick down there?

It's fucking Labor Day bitches. I Got Dan Cummings I got the Christ killer Your uncle Joey's here mother fuckers Oh What's up DC good to see man, thanks for having this band should have showed up at the VMAs and just blew them Oh my god, everybody's torturing the fucking like the the attendant nobody want nobody wants to watch that shit No Chris Cornell his voice was one of a kind Chris Cornell powered up with soundguard and at the VMAs on Sunday

Poor Miley Cyrus. She was the only good act Miley Cyrus was the only one that Everybody else was up there jumping up and down those Chinese kids are blinded I've never seen those fucking little communists before I didn't watch it. I'm not stadiums and shit. I mean care. What the fuck would they come? I think they're Korean whatever the fuck they are those are the 12 kids that were stuck in the cave They gave five minute record contract and shit those are the 12 kids. I guarantee Where'd they come from? I don't even know these little Chinese kids were jumping up and down. Oh, yeah They're here. What the fuck do these play? Hey pop?

How old am I? I don't even know nobody. I knew Miley Cyrus. You're the skinny whore. I don't like her at all Who the skinny? I don't watch. I don't watch the whore the one there. She's trying to get her music back No, I feel bad throwing out is it Taylor Taylor Swift She's a skinny hole No She's a fucking whore with that skinny little pussy write this song and she looks like she can't she looks like she could suck a Good dick Taylor's got a look like she'll mop that dick up after you manscape your helmet She'll suck that motherfucker, but she's got like a little tiny pussy like Kate Quigley like you like cake

He's got a great ass, but he pussy looks like she needs to grow a bush to fill it in like Bumper it goes down. I don't like pussies that go down. That means you got no meat there You got to have some fucking meat that I can bite into like like Jaws Like a healthy labia. Yeah How do you know what the fuck we're talking about? It's good to see you Taylor Swift, I'm sorry Yeah, yeah, I didn't watch severe me but that's not but I'm the same way like I watch it because it's Sebastian, right

Right, I was on a flight. I was on a flight for the poor kid. Yeah, and he was great I mean listen when I'm so many calls you up All I read about the last two days is criticism of Dave Chappelle and the criticism of Sebastian how bad the VMAs will listen the VMAs are bad every fucking year, right? I mean, it's just kids whatever the fuck they are But Sebastian was great for anybody who's a comic you have no idea what it's like Yeah, yeah, and the handcuffs that are put on you and that's a situation. Yeah, no idea So before you open your mouth about Sebastian fucking jump through a glass window

See what it feels like and then get back, you know, I didn't I didn't hear about like the Chappelle thing But I did read this yesterday. What's I feel bad worse with names. I've never just met him personally But the Saturday Night Live young Pete. Oh my god, not even it's Davidson. Yeah. Yes. Yes, Davidson He there was some article about him I was reading this yesterday And I was outraged about the writer of the article and also the campus But he did a college show and he just called them entitled assholes and went on a rant and And then the college like went off on him about how unprofessional and how terrible and any comic who's done college gigs It's like, no, but no, they were fucking entitled assholes probably on their phone being pieces of shit

And then it just said that the college can't like, you know Take responsibility for their own students being dickheads and just go the easy route of just being like, oh my god He ruined everybody's night by by saying some horrible things about our beloved students But yeah, people just like to pick on comics. I mean the nicest guy in comedy Made a statement 18 months ago. He's the nicest Cleanest comic of all time Jerry Sainto. Yeah, and this guy made a public statement That said you could not pay him enough to do a college Yeah, yeah, and you have to think about that now. I know a lot of college kids come to my shows

Right, I have no problems when you come to my show, but I know if I went to the university know the dame and did my act things thrown at me Because it's the wrong kids coming to those shows that there's awesome kids at those campuses But the ones who aren't fucking partying on a Friday night who want to come to the whether or not sell an alcohol Not do you have to have been on I mean like who cut that type of stupid? They tend to be more outraged in my opinion because I used to tons of colleges and I'm like oh this I know that there's people here who would love what's happening, but not these fuckers You know that they came tonight and then the administrators are the ones that get me

I did one the last one I only did one in the last two years, but I told them I'm like I get to say whatever I want No censorship at all and they let me do that and it was a blast did they take the ride the kids They did they did because I went hard at the beginning extra hard just to let them know just to let them know Right there was some of the picture of their their founder of their college And I just fucking reamed about what a creepy ass looking lady She would look like and she's fucking torturing kids in her fucking basement on some people Island But like but she looked fucking creepy

And then they were like shocked at first and then they loosened up and then we had a great time and because I had that freedom But like you're talking about the handcuffs, you know like Sebastian's like a lot of these people don't understand They're told you can't say this you can't do that Oh my god And it's like they just take all of your Arsenal away from you and then want you to go to battle and it's like I got no weapons She was great. Yeah, whether he's my friend or not. I thought he was great Listen, I watch those shows

Because he We're all together. We're all connected. Yeah, and when one of us rises we all yeah brings comedy up We all rise up, you know, it's like an anything. This is how you have to look at it Yeah, if you want to succeed in any field You have to be happy Sincerely happy for the people around you the people that you came up with right you hold any type of of of Anger or issues You're just not gonna grow. Yeah

This is like this is not why I haven't talked about this all day You know why because for a while when you get here and things aren't happening, right you fall into that Why are things happening for Dan? Yeah more spots here. I'm funny you're here and right at the end You're supposed to be all hand-in-hand. Yeah, and it really isn't like that. I wish that all comedians Hold each other hand-in-hand around the world. Yeah, it would never happen Because but that's why the world is the world but as long as we have a little circle Yeah, like I have my little circle. Yeah, we'll hold hands to the debt. That's the way it is That's all the way we started. You know me and Josh Wolf. We know each other from day one. I gotta yeah

Yeah, I had no choice but to have his back. Yeah, you know Brody It was a huge kick in my stomach, especially for me because I knew him for 20 years I should have been checking on him more. What the fuck was wrong with me? You know, we're a family Sabat, you know when I sit there and the first thing I read on Twitter on a Monday morning or a Tuesday morning from vice-land is how bad fucking Chappelle show is I think to myself vice-land first off I love what you're trying to do

But have you watched your fucking show lately that show about eating weed with those three little half a fag you got on there That is the worst fucking show I've ever seen in my goddamn life You know, I did an episode of Danny Brown. It was great. I love the Danny Brown show awesome Yeah, weed has some great drug shows, but fucking 50% of your shit is totally fucking garbage So for you to put down Chappelle before you put down Chappelle go clean up your own fucking backyard Especially with that fucking weed show you got that weed culture with those three little half a fags That never smoked a bong in their life. You get me. I'll get some three hard-hitting niggas Just like fucking he said in pub fiction

What did Ving Ving say I'll get some hard-hitting niggas and we'll do that weed fucking show and yo show you what a weed culture is They did Cuban food. I wouldn't even eat that Cuban food never mind I wouldn't eat that Cuban food if he had gold in it the shit they made That they're fucking terrible that weed culture show. It's the worst show I've ever seen in my fucking life Are you angry because Dave didn't do it? That's the only reason What are they what are they should not I didn't I didn't hear this article So what did they do like what show is his stand his new stand-up? I knew he did a new special call sticks and stones Well, is that out already? Yeah, it came out. Oh shit. I haven't even said I'm sitting there the other night going

You know what man? I think that it came out too quickly. Yeah, maybe Dave didn't prepare his material. Oh my god Fucking murdered he murders it. Yeah, I just I thought I thought athlete Had the specialty Until I watched Dave Chappelle. Wow Anthony. I love you to death, but holy shit Dave Chappelle special was fired. Wow. I watched the first 45 minutes. That's a lot from gojoe, right? I took the first piece smoke break at 45 minutes. That's fucking good. That's been years Since I've sat and watched the special after 25 minutes. Yeah, I gotta see that That's not me. I saw the previous three, but I that's great. Well, now I know what I gotta watch

What do you record it? Atlanta and he says a bit in there about I'm gonna do an impersonation, you know In 25 years you're gonna do and he goes I'm talking about you guys and he just pointed to all the little Nitches we have in our society now, you know About how people come back and attack you after 20 years. Oh, right, right, right Michael Jackson's been dead for 10 years He's got two court cases How the fuck does this happen, you know, and I shoot your damn one. I'm sitting there I'm like two more accusers have come up in the case the the the there's a chiropractor at the University of Michigan or something. Oh

Yeah, yeah for 10 years and now you want to come out go home go home Go waste your time go to church go hang out with some of those pedophile priest kids and go talk about your issues The guy's been dead for fucking 20 years now You want to come out and say while he was touching your footy-fingered you go fuck yourself, right? This is what's what you can't even give those people light Yeah, that I'll tell those people to go away like what kills me is when it's not even something that major that happened 20 What when somebody tweeted the lyrics of a song that had like racist language and they're an athlete now And then now they come back and like and then the person goes and cries does an apology

I wish more people would just be like no fuck. Yeah, it's fucking 15 I was my song, you know the song I liked or whatever or I said something or whatever I was 15 and I said some dumb shit like all 15 year olds do go fuck yourself like what it makes me upset when they when they Actually do the press conference apologies. I wish more people would say no, I'm not gonna apologize for what I said I don't owe you that that's what I don't owe you an apology from 15 years ago That's what fuck all lost the chick who pulled the head up the Trump. Oh Was she apologized? That's when she lost Kathy. Oh Kathy Crippen. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's right. That's right. You never apologized, right?

Yeah, I thought it was funny. You don't like it throw the albums away In fact go on TV and burn those albums. I dare you because I'm gonna sell a million more Yeah, I remember when it did the quiet ride and they do it to one of those bands. They took their albums and they oh, yeah Yes, Matt. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, no the black dudes. Oh July crew no, and W. A and w a to live crew and w a oh Tipper Gore all that kind of when they said the ice cube look at them. They're burning our albums and he goes I don't care. They pay for Yeah, yeah, you know, I mean

Today one article came out from variety That said it didn't really meant that it say something about Sebastian. Oh, the whole thing was So I used to love you Sebastian, but but the Safe space until you came on a safe space and the thing the thing that upset me and I stopped reading the article Well, she was like I used to love watching the VMA's and I'm a fan of you But people get triggered and then she spent she spent like least favorite words She spent like three or four paragraphs talking about her organization for safe spaces and I'm like, oh, you're just trying to get You have nothing against Sebastian. You just want to get a little bit of no no variety for your thing

So I was like, okay, I'm gonna stop reading this now, but the headline is Sebastian ruin the VMAs. It's not a safe space anymore. That's why I know I hope that Sebastian's management I know they did they got a tremendous envelope from because Do those things you're gonna lose if you get If you get George Burns and pull them out of the grave have it in Costello right of the grave Pull out all the great comics out of the grave and have them write an hour for you and you do the Oscars Guess what you're still gonna get some form of hatred. Yeah, yeah, yeah host the Emmys

You're gonna get some form of hate. Oh, yeah, if you host whatever so that formula is right You're gonna hate me. You got to pay me everything. I want the whole cash, right? Yeah, I want the door I want the leftover vodka. I want the left over I'm fucking the help, you know, I'm saying people hate I want a hand from Ariana Grande I mean, I'm just going off. Yeah, I list my writer is fucking 20 pages because you're gonna you're gonna get tormented Right, it's just a huge meaning meaningless torment like I look at like on itunes What I like to do is you get mad about trolls or whatever There is not a single album that has ever been made of note that got you know a lot of exposure

That's only five stars you can look at like the greatest I like you know the the stones exile on a major whatever you want to find out there They're like this is a fucking beautiful amazing album and you're gonna find some one story Really didn't appreciate this one. I mean people just want to hate you just gonna find and I would hope Sebastian's looking at like He just got seen by so many new people that of course since they weren't part of his fan base initially It's like the more people who hate you that's almost like the better because you're just reaching so many new people And the ones who don't hate you. They're just not gonna say they're not gonna go online It's just the way human nature is and talk about how much they love you

So I would hope that for every person that's given like backlash She hope that he knows that there are thousands who are just like that guy's fucking great They're gonna come see him. They're gonna buy his stuff. They're gonna come to his shows. Yeah YouTube kind of changed recently on the Contents I don't like when you actually post stuff and then actually show it used to show you how many likes and dislikes you had Yeah, and like sometimes like you look at the dislikes. Oh, that kind of so what but now what it does It actually shows you the percentage of likes versus dislikes. Oh, okay. It's like it's like 97 95% likes. Oh, okay Then I guess those way better. Yeah, okay. You gotta understand one thing when you post up and I learned this Six or seven I stopped paying attention

To what anybody really said on the internet years ago. Yeah, well, sometimes I'll say something back to them to throw them off Right and sometimes you realize people just say something nasty to you. So you could just tell them off Yeah, they'll disappear. They'll quit Twitter. Yeah, people. I've told them others suck my dick They don't even say nothing But I really learned a lot a couple months ago. What video hit a billion downloads It was a November rain member. They made a big deal about it November rain first video ever on YouTube To hit him guns and roses. Yeah, November rain hit a billion a billion views or something and I went on there I think it was a billion. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah number was and I went on there and they still had a

150,000 hates Right then go to the Beatles white out Yes, and go see one of the greatest albums ever put on vinyl and watch the percentage of thumbs down Yeah, and I sit there and I go I wonder who would give the Beatles wide out the front down I am you know, yeah, so you have to start talking about this whole process of who has the time, right? When somebody writes something or has an article, I really don't have the time, right? Because you're busy creating doing things right stuff. Yeah, you have to think about all those considerations

Before you let those comments online. Yeah affect you. Yeah, I'm sure people like Sebastian Are either off, you know, I mean you really cannot get in fact I never read the comments of my right right, right? I knew that I Felt in my heart. Yep. The job I did wasn't who I was so I let it go on the plane ride home Yeah, yeah, yeah, just didn't go in my favor this time. You know saying I rolled the six and I rolled the seven And that's just the way life is sometimes I just got it like Sebastian said at the end of his monologue if you don't win this year We're caught the next year, right, right, right?

Well, it's like you just said Chabelle had the best special of the year. He doesn't have a website He doesn't have any social media. Yeah, so it shows you what's really important Thanks folks on the craft nothing. He has no Twitter. No, he doesn't do any of that stuff He says it's mystique the Chappelle mystique. How does he sell out 18 shows? I don't people know just fucking word of mouth. It's great. He hasn't he has no social media He took he used to call. I mean four or five years after the Chappelle show went went away comedy works in Denver and Punchline in San Francisco He would just call him up like on a Monday night and be like, hey

I want to do Tuesday and Wednesday to show, you know, whatever show each night And they would just send it out to their email list or whatever on their stuff and they would be sold out in minutes You know, and it's just like yeah, he doesn't do any of that. Nothing It's amazing website. Nothing. No Dave Chappelle calm. Nope. He might own it, but there's nothing out there Are you fucking serious? Yeah, he doesn't do any of that. Let me double check I mean if it's even if it's out there It's brand new because I checked the past just because I was amazed too and I'm like what no social media profile Just please come back later

Nothing, it's amazing, you know, I stopped looking. I remember a couple years ago with YouTube Something went up. It was this it was you did that this is not happening that story And they told me to promote it when it went out So I just wanted to make sure that it was because I don't generally look at the YouTube anyway As far as comments, but I just want to make sure that before I'm tweeting or whatever posting that it's actually there that I'm sending a link to a real video and first comment that was left what some guy he said something to the effect of Dan Cummins is the worst comic of all time. I hate every bit. He's ever done

I hate it when I hear him on Pandora and I hate but it's like and what cracked me up I started laughing so I'm like, let me get this straight. I'm the comic you fucking hate more than anybody else on earth and The second a new video of mine comes out. You're like, let me check this out It's like you're just an idiot. You're an idiot like your opinion means nothing. Yeah. Yeah, and that's just that troll nature They just want a day You know, it's very very rare that you see a feedback on there where you're like it's constructive in any way You know, I think he's given a good effort But really, you know, I think you know, he could have maybe just kind of shortened this and maybe if he actually tried and worked on his

Timing it's just never like fucking sucks fucking piece of shit. Just dumb. Just dumb vapid hate. It's crazy to me that Who would raise a child? That would Be that devious to go out of their way. Yeah, make up a different email Go right where they're like I always think about where their life is. Oh, yeah Like okay, if Dan Cummings wants to say Joey, I saw your last special. I wasn't happy with it I could go Dan. Guess what neither was I You know, but when I go back to your website and there's all your Twitter or your yeah

There's no picture There's a picture of like a Russian girl that you could tell it's not you right and you know, it's a fake website Right. I don't have the balls to put themself out there. I think about that. I think about What their life is like. Yep, I think about All it's like my was a fucking junkie in a thief All the time I put into scamming if I would have put into something positive, right? I could have done something positive You're doing something. That's halfway positive. Yeah. Yeah, you're actually Getting you're figuring something right, but you're figuring it out for the wrong way like for the wrong thing

If you figured this much out and you use this in a positive way the answer that you're looking for yeah Would yeah, be happy. Oh my god. I'm think I won't say his name I won't say his name, but he's describing the person we've had a problem with like like there's like you say like I what is going on in this person's life? I know a person that I I Worked with him years ago in a little way. It didn't work out We worked on a few projects together and not even like a bad find out just you know, like in LA You you work tons of collaborations. Sometimes people just disappear, right? And you put pitches together you go right disappear and this guy it didn't work out

parted ways really don't see him for a long long time and then Similar project comes a lot, but it was about me Basically was like he was gonna do a project about me didn't work out Some other people want to do a project about the podcasts. I've been doing now So about me but different and again, it's my life like you'd know when you know You don't know get the rights to your life in perpetuity for the whole rest of your life So this guy finds out not gonna work with him again It's been ten years since he's and I know this person's they're not in a good place

Things haven't worked out for ten years. They're very they're angry. They're frustrated. You look at their other content This person in particular mooched off their their family It but then shit talked them all the time to just an angry person Not getting what they want in the world but not doing dick about it in a positive way Just fucking hating hating hating and then now that person's exactly that person who creates fake aliases To threaten and harass me and my wife, you know like that, you know Just and I'm like and I think of him now when I see other troll comments on the web I'm like, I know you I know you this is about this is you this isn't about me all the shit

You're saying when you're that angry it's about you You know that person that person is so fucking miserable and unhappy with their life That it would be hard to step back and take you know some fucking responsibility and be a man and be like, you know What I made some fucking terrible choices. I was lazy. I didn't do this. I didn't do that That takes some balls that takes some like self-awareness some painful self-reflection much easier to be like man Everybody's just trying to fuck me over and the world fucking sucks and everybody who gets ahead They're a piece of shit because they fucked over other people to do that So fuck you and fuck that person like so they're those opinions mean nothing to me because I just think about this one person

Like are you just a version of this dude? Yep, I'm like, I know you I know who you are and I know that personal because I was that person at one time Yeah, yeah, I was an angry youth Frustrated yeah, there was things I wanted I couldn't get I couldn't figure out how to get right right away You turn on the fucking world. It's not the world for a bitch, right? What did you do this morning between eight and ten? Oh, yeah, you sat there and watched the guy the toe or whatever the game is Right. What's the name of that that match right? The price is right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you are looking for a job Were you right right one of these things? No, you watch the prices, right?

Yeah, now go watch the prices fucking right right right wake up at eight and you Really in your heart feel that you work that day. Yeah after a year of doing that you won't be frustrated Right. You're frustrated is because you're just not doing what you're supposed to be doing and it's a week if you've been frustrated Yeah, you know, then I got you by 20 years Yeah, now you stick you start thinking about the manifestation of feelings that you've had in your life Like I'm writing a book. I'm trying to that's awesome I'll be buying it. I'll be buying it manifestation You start understanding the manifestations that you went through from a certain age. It's fucking scary

And you don't feel like they're part of your life You feel like they were part of another life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you feel like there was a deja vu You feel all these things you feel guilt. You're sorry feel all these feelings because you see the manifestations of things You know, my dad died when I was three There was an insecurity and then the immigrant thing that turned into a different insecurity Manifestation in New York can't speak English. Oh, yeah. Hello, you know, look at spic boy You know and then and then I got wheels in Jersey and I started going But those feelings were still there and then your mother dies, right?

You're a Catholic and you really really believe in God and you really believe in the Holy Ghost And you really believe and you've tried to do everything right to that age and now you question God and now you're fucking killing cats You're running over pigeons, you know, you see a mouse you step on it There's a certain anger you get and then Like I look at my life and it went from sorrow That became anger to became fury. Yeah, fury Furies when there's a homeless guy on the corner You just run up to him and kick him in the fucking head for no reason when he's sleeping

Not that I kicked the homeless guy in head. I'm just saying yeah, I know what it's like. Yeah to see somebody and go I wanted to stab that person, right? They didn't do anything to you and we see it every day in the news Yeah, somebody gets killed, but that's somebody who's going that's somebody that that manifestation went to fury Then I got happy and I went to prison and actually going to prison Yeah, I kind of made me happy because it slowed everything down. It led me process all those Manifestations that I went out into the real world. Yeah, I read that I got divorced and I lost a child and now you're angry again Then I met then I had comedy So the anger manifested

It would manifest for 23 hours except for the one hour a day. I did comedy I would be happy because it would yeah, so you start looking at the manifestations of your feelings and how You just go so when I see these people that write a negative comment or fuck you in your podcast, right man There's a thousand things. I don't like There's a thousand things. I don't like but I don't have the balls to go on Twitter and go. Hey, I don't like your podcast. I Just don't have the balls. I know that that person's trying very hard. I know that right as a you just keep Yeah I had one moment with it with a heckler years ago, and it's only it's the only time this works this way

But this guy he came in I don't know he came in late to the show Everybody else having fun and he just he didn't like it. You know, he was just causing problems So, you know, I don't know 30 40 minutes. I'm like, dude, what's what's going on, man? Yeah, you fucking you know funny and I just I had to stop and I'm like, you know what man I'm like everyone was having a good time here. I'm like, you're not having a good time I'm like, you know what I do when I'm not having a good time at like a movie or someplace I fucking leave you remember when you came in here and they nailed your ass to the seat and they told you they'd fucking Execute you if you tried to leave early. No, that never happened. You could just walk away

Right now then you get to go do something that you like I get it I'm like, I don't think I'm funny all the time like there's plenty things. I don't think it's funny I'm like, I don't have to be for everybody. I don't need to be for you But you don't have to be here and it was like a little light bulb. He just kind of And he's fucking got up and he left and I just wish more people get that same thing There's plenty stuff that I don't like but then I just don't look at it anymore. I can't tell you I don't watch it anymore. I went in the 80s and got up. Oh, yeah, I've walked out of the theater. Exactly. I've won I've never said I'm not gonna waste another hour. Never. I boycotted Tom Hanks

He is when he cried at the Oscars When he won for Philadelphia with the spots on his neck and shit and he won I boycotted him Marlon Brando sent an Indian When he won the fucking Godfather, right? He didn't fucking cry on the Oscars Oh, you're gonna cry on the I boycotted Tom Hanks for about eight years I didn't have a petition signed what brought you back. What brought you back to the league of their own Brought me back He knows I got

I will boycott your ass for 16 and 90 to 100 I see something negative behavior on your part. I will boycott your ass on my television So think you saw her there was somebody else I boycotted I boycotted a couple people in my time just for Different fucking acts right singing a song Comics I'll boycott a comic sure right. Yeah, there was one comic. I knew in love for 20 years He had an opening joke That was funny 20 years ago, and he got a shot at a TV spot. Yeah, and he did the joke the old joke Boys got it

Don't even call no more cocksucker. I bumped into him. He's like you change your number. I didn't even talk to I act like a mute boycotted him for six months and kept it to the six-month date I'll put it in the book. I'll put it in the book. I picture like a board boycotted till February 12th of I picture like printed out little pictures of the people that you boycat and he's fucking rest them on the board You got a date under it boycotted. I boy. Yeah, I go to a restaurant I see fingerprints on the glass when you push the glass in that means you didn't wash your pussy That means you don't if you can't wipe the glass down if eight employees are there and they can't wipe the glass if there's Ten cents of fingerprints that means you guys don't wash your hands after your pee

And I have the woman here don't watch this snatch after one of these Mexican bus boys shoots a load of fucking pimiento and that pussy still wash them So I don't want to do business with you. That's it. It's that easy and I refuse to go back in there Yeah, people go Joey, but they don't clean the glass right like I boy concert like if you eat ranch Dressing you can't sit at the table. I love you to that but you go over there with your friends And when you finish like I come over here now just based you like Tom Hanks eating some fucking ranch Yeah, when you're fucking sticking them back on the board ranch over there You want to eat hummus go over there with your friends. Don't sit at this table because I am not

Talking to you leave the other Thomas. I've been boycotted a few times He knows he could hummus and I don't see him If I ever see him put a chip and hummus in front of me like I never did coke in front of Joe I'm out of the chair. I never would do coke around Joe. Yeah, I knew he loved me that much and it bothered him in his soul To see me coked up. Yeah, so you just so when he was around no matter how bad I wanted to do aligned No matter how much coke I had my pocket. I would not do it out of respect. Yeah, I was raised I think you only caught me twice doing coke. Yeah, even make eye contact. Yeah. Yeah, because I knew I would let him down Now Lee has that hummus respect. I help people out some some comics have come in here with like snacks

You're like, you know, I'm like, trust me. It's not worth it. It's just oh, no, no I won't I had it. I used to have a friend that used to that's who used to call it 86 in you. Yeah. Yeah 68 I Seated you so I go, you don't sound coke. No more. I sixty-eight to me 86 86 and 68 68 86 you don't what I mean. I say 86 When he told me one time I said Eric is because the guy was looking for Eric. I go Eric is looking for you. No, no I 86 that yeah, yeah, he cannot Michael came from me. No Michael. Damn

You're a cold-blooded motherfucker like your uncle Joey Yeah, I'll boycott people. I love it Not a ton of people but there's definitely been a I Coming up more like in comedy is as I started to worry about like meeting some of the acts I admired or whatever because my thing was always is just are they a nice person? I know like a nice person can have an off day and be grouchy or whatever But then there's sometimes people just do things that are just like dick moves and I won't say his name You know, there was one guy worked with you know a long time ago

But he he pretended that the the college I was working at with him open it up for him He acted like the kids told him to tell me to cut some jokes out of my act and to cut my time and I went to them later. It turns out it was not true at all He just didn't like it and he wanted to kind of like he doesn't like and he did and this isn't cocky at all He didn't like that I did well even though he did better than me like he had nothing to be insecure about and I just thought man This is somebody who is you know selling out theaters already at this point I'm like, you're gonna I was just you know, I drove up my Hyundai fucking hatchback

You know, I'm used to making a hundred bucks a night and stuff like that And you're gonna take what little thing I have just to have fun on stage for 15 minutes away from me Because you didn't like that guy I went I threw away his fucking albums never listened to him since Like I boycotted him for 15 plus years, but I'm just like fuck you you fucking asshole That's the bully type thing people whose powers again, that's the stuff where I'm like, yeah, you're dead to me When I was a feature act, I had a lot of problems as a feature Just people couldn't follow you And then they talk shit about you. I said the Omni pop crew. Oh, yeah, man. Oh my god. Oh my god

Oh that name those motherfuckers alive because Omni pop had a good booker. Yeah time But he was taking feature acts and trying to make him into headline. Yeah, why the misto around today I know you're talking about yeah, and I would go on those B room routes and they'd have to follow me And I would light them on fire and I would light them on fire, you know 20 minutes. No responsibilities You're a dead man. You know the same right? I got a package in my pocket. I've been talking to one of the waitresses Yeah, suck dick. You see you're done You're done, you know, yeah, but Omni pop was putting out, you know, too too many of these feature acts and right, right

I'm old-school. I'm very old-school. And here's the rule. I have You want em see you got it you want a feature you got it, but Once you consider yourself a headlining, I Don't want to hear one complaint out of your mouth. I Don't want to hear that Dan Cummings talks to the audience. Oh, right, right, right? Here that Dan Cummings is too dirty, right? I don't want to hear that Dan Cummings if you once you sign that contract the headline

Dan Cummings comes out and says with a drum roll and takes his pants off and takes a flare Right and sticks it in his ass and does a half hour of playing the drums with a flat fucking solid closer I better figure out how you know who's gonna follow that Fucking Jesus can't follow if I went on stage rip my pants off suck a flare up my ass with gasoline But I'm saying the word like yeah, I'm gonna do a presentation a lit flare And just want to excuse me ladies and gentlemen took my pants off right put a flare in my ass Yeah, let it on fire and then started playing the snare drums right right until you heard this No one was that what comic would want to follow that they couldn't you don't you'd have to have your dick

Do your act to follow that your dick would have to talk you'd have to go on stage and go Ready for this one get a fucking what do you think a meat tenderizing just hit your dick like ten times Who runs this motherfucker I do whose house is this hose house? What's that expression? I don't know what the whatever the fuck movie does he hit him something, but I would you know Nothing bothered me more. I got a hand. I got ten comics That would go to management Yeah, yeah and complain behind my back that they would I had one guy that told me I couldn't improvise I Couldn't talk to the audience

And I couldn't be dirty. Oh my god And I finally turned to him on Friday and told him exactly how I felt good for you And if he didn't like it to fucking quit and if we wanted to throw hands Let's do it until this day. He's never spoken to me again Like a careless, I've had yeah, I've had comics that have tried to get me in trouble during the week They didn't think I knew But I Wanted to one day and I before I brought him on stage. Oh, wow. That's the walk. Yeah. I actually mentioned it

Because you know how I work On stage before you brought him up on stage, right? Last time I saw this guy So It and it made me It just made me think that when if I ever got to that level, yeah, I would never act that way I am proud that I am proud. Yeah, I've never asked somebody to change anything about their act I've never told the club to ask them to change. I've never said don't sell don't come up to this Just do your time. That's the only thing I want your time and do whatever the fuck you want

And I've had people ask me like now. I'm you know, I bring John Huck or Mary Santora and different people around to open and it's great But you know, sometimes the first time they work with you're like, hey is there anything and I almost feel I feel bad I feel that they're asking that because because clearly that they've somebody else that they've worked with has told them not to do something Which happened to me, you know early on to him like no no, I'm like I've always fucking hated that It's like don't worry. You do what you do your stuff. I'm gonna be fine I'm gonna talk about what I want to talk about when I get up there. I'm not finally Sometimes about comedy. Yeah, I'm very rough only because Lee knows I look at this is a religion

This is the religion that saved me Christianity the same as the Jehovah's didn't say of me, you know Catholics didn't say me. This is a real religion if you look at it. Yeah one thing you know, I love when I go into a Club and a host comes up to me and he calls me mr. Diaz right there. He already lost Right because we're comics. There's no mr. Diaz And then they say is there anything particularly you want me to say and I look on the face and I go nothing and their expression It's like I took 20 pounds off him. Right. I know if I know anything about comedy. Yeah, I know that they're just

Trying to remember their own jokes. Yep for Christ's sake. Why are you picking on me? Yep? I'm just trying to remember my jokes. You want me to go up there now and talk about your guest appearance I'm willing right right and how you did the tonight show eight times with letterman and without letterman And how you want You know Just fuck it. And then if you mess it up on Thursday. Oh my god, Lee Excuse me. Can I see you after the show? Uh, hi, Dan. It's Diaz Diaz

Right. Can you say that real quick for me? Right, right? Can you repeat Diaz? No, no Diaz Diaz. It's a syllable. Yeah, wait. Do you get those people? Yeah. Yeah, and I know you fucking had them Oh, yeah, so when that's done to you you go up. Yeah, the first thing you say to yourself is I'm not saying I'm gonna be a feature act But if I do become a feature act, I'm not gonna treat right exactly exactly got treated Then when I became a feature. Yep I started getting that hush treatment The only one that said something to me

That backed his words Why? That I don't mind If if and I told this to him day one and I told this to people and here's another problem we have And I did too When you work with a popular headliner a very good headliner as a feature or an mc Right and you start doing it for a while. Guess what happens? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they pick up your cadence. They start sounding like you that's that's yeah, that that warrants a discussion

Right, right So by the end of the week That's saying Right They're saying faggot. They're saying little things that they don't know they're saying But they're saying it me. I'm a professional right. I don't really go up to them don't stop saying that because Richard Jenny came up to me and he goes

That was a very much he just taught me how to write. Yeah. Yeah. He just taught me how to write But don't come up to me and tell me I can't do The joke about the one leg in china man, right, right because you're you follow me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the bit is too strong That's what right, right. Don't tell me I can't improvise right Listen, there's a school of thought because they're trying to sabotage you if Dan Cummings is improvising now The audience is going to talk to me when I go on stage That's the other train of thought My train of thought now is I'm such a professional. I'm

My base is so strong That I'll shut the heckler down like if you go on stage for half an hour. Yeah, you ever work with new york comics Oh, yeah, you work with somebody right to be here. How you doing? Hey, what do you do for a living? Yeah, sure. You came with him. Oh, no shit. What do you do? What do you do? You guys know each other? That's 50 50 work. Yeah 50 percent of that sometimes you're gonna have a standing ovation And sometimes gonna be a long night, but what happens is now you train the audience to talk So the headline is gonna go up there now for 10 minutes. He's gonna deal with cha cha You just steam right through and they know you're not fucking around right exactly

So I would never go up to Dan and say Dan don't talk to the audience right right. I'm so confident in my Base and my presence right I'm not I'm not gonna the first when all that stuff's insecurity like when you're talking about the people That you know that need the very specific introduction and you can't say this it's all about they're just same thing They're just super insecure. I never worked with the guy who did the very long, but I've heard horror stories Of like the hand guy. There's one guy. I don't even remember his name because I never met him I just heard about him from a few other people that he printed out This long fucking that guy and expected people to memorize it and it was like this ridiculous shit like you may Love like the simpsons like you may remember him from but it was like you may you know, you've seen him on

This show this show this show he's been on you know Conan three times and he was in this movie and that movie But it was like fucking 15 things and and if you fucked it up I guess this guy would like go off on people It's fucking that's crazy. That's got the lunatic He would go hide the audience doesn't care. They don't fucking care. They just want you to be funny I have one thing I say the time when people ask I say one thing the host of time suck Just mention my podcast. That is it and sometimes I'm like, would you want me to come to central?

I'm like, no, I don't fucking care and they don't care. They just want to hear what jokes I have and they're gonna like them And they're not but they're not gonna leave going man. I'm sure glad I saw that guy who's on Conan twice Oh, that was so great. One of the greatest experiences I had was to host 18 months. I was an in-house host of the triple gig Which one I did so many of those. Oh, I didn't do that one bolder. This is I think I was gone before. Yeah You were still playing with a handball Discovering why you had one hair on your nutsack when the rest of it was coming out when I started Remember when you got that one little patch of hair? I remember the first. Oh, shit

Oh, here we go. He's starting and then you got two hairs and you're like, oh, shit Pussy's on the way then the sides filled in remember the sides filled in Oh, I'll be eating some ass in no time. I had like a little mustache above my dick But that little ball spot stayed bald for a long time You were like you had you had like Yeah, you know mine came on yours. It came in opposite. I guess mine came in on the sides too I came in on the sides first and then the bush. I took a long time. I had a rubbed rogaine on it Before it was rogaine. You had a mix like gasoline with a hindu piss

I don't remember the ball. I remember the little thin dusting up top. It was just a little dusting Yeah, but when you looked at it looked like him when you looked in the mirror it was bald No, it was sad. It was sad. So you couldn't take a half. You couldn't show up It's like showing up with three bullets when you got six Spaces you were showing up with a nice dick and like a bozo hairdo He had the bozo hairdo at the ball spot in the middle But that ball spot took forever you estimated you're like, okay, it's june 14th This i'll be ready to skip my dick

Sometimes the fuck no, I remember I was super late actually. I went to a small school. I do remember now that you were talking about this uh P. E. I don't even think kids like necessarily are in the shower in the locker room all naked together anymore But it might like, you know, I was going to school like everybody's naked and I was like I was the last kid Like everybody I had nothing little baldy. I had a weird I didn't grow at all Uh from like fourth grade to about eighth grade and by the time eighth grade I was the smallest kid in my class boy or girl And I just hit and then puberty hit like I hit very late. So I just remember that's what my memories

They've just been like, ah, fuck I got nothing still and I remember panicking thinking I was just never gonna have a hair I didn't get bald hair till I was 14 What look at my legs? I have no hair on my legs. Oh, yeah I have I'm one pineal. I'm I think I got one little long asshole hair I got enough Years I don't have threes you could braid them now. I'm losing my hair on top But my eyebrows have been on fire

They've been on a growth spurt Like this time I'll find an eyebrow just fucking gravitate I'll tell my wife to cut them before I go on the road And when you know, you go on the road every whole hotel has that good mirror. Yeah, I look all right, right, right, right Yes, she has coming out of my ears. Like I'm losing the hair on my dome But your hair looks good. I mean from this angle. Oh, no, no your hairline's low Oh, the hairline's low, but look at the eyebrows. They're on fire Solid solid eyebrows Elvis's hairdo when he was 21 when he got out of the service

They're on fire I've been thinking I've been going bald for my whole adult life because it's high It's a high hairline. It's definitely a little thinner for sure But what's funny is I just looked at her day and I was like, man, it's definitely going now It's finally going and then I looked at a thing from like five years ago And I'm like, oh shit, I thought it was going then and then I looked at a picture from like 10 years ago my high school History teacher like a sophomore year. He was like he was bald and he was like, ah, you don't got much time left

Like he thought But yeah, just high high. I always had this crazy high hairline Thinner I I was put on propitia in middle school. No And then it came out that it takes it kills your dick. So they took me off of it They get you propitia. You started going bald in middle school. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah I was I was like I was gone by like 25. I was gone You got you got a you got a solid shaved head though. It's lucky. Well, I think it's weird But I also I've also always had I have shoulder hair back hair

But leg hair I have hair chest hair It like it gets I got two back shavers in case one goes Because it's terrible. You want to just you just glue it? Just glue it up there I don't know The ball hair on their head ball hair leg hair put all of them patch Don't put it into the stem self. Don't try to grow it. Just crazy crazy Your ball hair on the head. I look like a willy-willy if I do that

And just make it work. I was cold my head last night I was such a visual. I can't believe I'm losing my head, but I need you know I wasn't a I wasn't a handsome guy growing up. So I couldn't be bald. Thank God At least I had hair like girls that say well at least the guys got heads got a Nice dick and eats my ass only spits in my pussy and he does nasty things Good-looking guys just bring you home and fuck you and flex that chest and they come on you and they call you a dirty bitch I couldn't do that. I was an ugly dude out of your ass and get in there and flip your over Make them tell you I jerk off to your pet fat little pictures and all that shit

You got to tell them shit you got to work the I'm trying not to say thanks. Yeah. Yeah, she says go ahead. What's going on with you brother? Oh my god, it's pretty good, man. Actually actually my wife and I we just We started the podcast that'll launch in a few weeks. I'm a horror fan So I loved horror before comedy actually like a horror movies my favorite Stephen King all that kind of stuff And I just love a scary I got your first guest. Yeah Well, you know our structure is just I just find these stories and then you put them in my kind of narrative voice But I just try to scare she doesn't know what the story is gonna be

We sit in a dark studio with a bunch of a cult candle shit around us It's fucking creepy room and I just try to scare the shit out of her with two stories a week So that's that's the new one and then the and then the other podcast has been going well, man And the tour ends going well the trailer for that new it that trailer scared me. I haven't seen the trailer I'm gonna watch TV. I saw a bus bench today. It's just that was creepy. That's the one with the clown. Yeah, Pennywise Pennywise, I Felt so bad. You know clowns had a parade after that. No, I don't know why for real dog After that movie came out

Clowns had a demonstration down like we're not we're not creepy when I creep because a bunch of clowns started losing work When that movie came out, they started getting canceled for magicians good and like Marvel comics So a bunch of magicians went downtown and protested that movie because yeah, we're losing all their summer work That was one of the funniest things that is fucking right in my life a bunch of guys with like the rubber noses With sticks and big feet Fucking saying listen. Come on. Give us a break. They're not creepy. We're not creepy Me too me too. I don't know what it is about clowns. I have a clown store I did it on an album years ago, but it's all true true story. I hated clowns because I had the craziest

Clown story. I was always watching movies being a horror stuff Well, you know my parents weren't paying attention whenever like that or mom would be gone I would just first thing I do put on HBO and just see what I could watch and I watched that movie Poltergeist, you know the one with the little girl. She died later. Yeah, the little girl and there's a There's a clown of antriloquist clown doll in that movie under the boys bed. You remember that Lee and I would never see that Okay, try to strangle him when the house goes crazy and it's all and there's a poltergeist activity in the house this This this been trillicles though. Well, that wasn't a prop made for that movie That was an actual ventriloquist clown doll that you could buy to store that I had that was like my favorite toy

For whatever reason prior to that movie and I had it in my room So I fucking see that but I don't want to tell my parents Because I'll get in trouble for watching something I'm not supposed to watch So I just take the clown doll and I take him downstairs like little kid mentality and I fucking beat the shit out of him Like I just you know, I hooked his little clown thing like hung him around a doorknob Just fucking worked him like fuck you stupid clown. Fuck you can't give me what about that throw him in the trash thing I killed him. I go to bed. My mom found the clown doll in the trash and thought it was just misplaced So she doesn't know that I'm terrified and she puts that fucker back in my room on like a little chair

So then I wake up at a middle of night and I see that son of a bitch back in the room Like he's fucking watching me and it it gave me reoccurring nightmares for fucking years Like I was paralyzed and I still don't want to get in trouble I so afraid that I fucking dealt with it for several like like days until finally I broke down For the whiplash you're about to get this podcast tomorrow the midget association's gonna come after you Beating up a little fucking When you were ten years old and then then your arguments gonna be I didn't beat up a midget There's a doll and they're gonna say could have been a difference. What have you had a cocktails?

Do you know your your doll story triggered me? I Always hated those went to a quiz doll. How they're creepy. I don't know why I like this when I first met Duncan He had a ventriloquist little homo, what ever? And he'd bring him on the road with us and dog. I would make sure I was on the floor with him Like I would tell them at the desk. Don't put me on the same floor with him. Seriously. Yeah I just don't like all that shit. You have like my grandma had all those weird porcelain dolls around the house Do you have something like that around where you grew up like a bunch of dolls or creepy? Oh, I hate dolls because I broke one of my mother's dolls on time

Japanese dolls that you can switch the wigs on Yeah, I don't know. I think I know it's like porcelain porcelain. Yeah Yeah, my father a lot of money. Okay. Okay. Yeah, my mom told me not to throw the ball in the house I broke the fucking doll and I tried to crazy glue the fucking Elmas glue back the doll they got it look like somebody came up look like Annabelle Like we're thinking about it now think of doll would come on it I had fucking Elvis glue all over her and shit my mom's like what happened to my doll and I had a pain out of my pocket I don't know what it is. I just I've never been hip to clowns. Where about that statue you had when he came home at night

I had this statue in my house This is San Lazaro. This is like one of the patrons say to Cuba Okay, and my mother believed so much in them and my father that they had a six foot statue of the mother in the house So if you open the door of the living room, he was in between the kitchen and The fucking living room and there were nights that I would come down to get water And I would open my door He had a gold crown oh, yeah, and two crutches and if you go to my house I still have crutches in my house when I got my knee operated out of respect for the saint because of your Cuban you have to

You have to celebrate the saint on December 17, but like two weeks before my mother died I had a party and Eddie Borelli and his boys walked in but the Red Devil was there He was he took one of the crutches from the saint and he goes you take one more step I'll hit you over the head with this fucking crutch. So it's tremendous. That's what I think about. I'm sorry to draw you No, it was our candles and stuff underneath it. No, no, no, no candles nothing the offering is You had a purple cape if you see a Cuban person person dress like a purple they made a promise They made a promise to for their knees or okay, yeah, you know when when When that's why you can't hit a dog if you're Cuban

That's why when Michael Vic got sentenced to prison There were a couple prisons they couldn't put them in because they were abaquas in those prison and they dedicate their life to this saint Wow, so you got to help dogs and stuff like me the other night I don't know if I told you leave that night Sunday night. I'm going to the comedy store. I get in my little Subaru I started up I'm looking I go in reverse Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's that dog the fuck is there a dog do? You turn out of my driveway and I pull up my two feet and he's like six feet from me and I lower the window my

What are you doing this neighbor cocksucker are you lost? And I'm like puppy don't come here I'm starting to talk to him in Spanish because of my Cuban roots and next thing you know, I realized that's not a dog That's a coyote. Ah, so I close my window and I call my wife and go get out of here I just put the car in reverse when backwards like that dude that robbed the cop car and date. Yes, they Robbed the cop car backwards that would chase them. He's doing 90 miles. Holy shit 90 in reverse backwards. Yeah, he ended up killing the family It's a fucking shame But I fucking went back the last three nights. I've seen that fucking coyote. I saw him Sunday Monday and Tuesday night

But my neighborhood is going crazy. You think the Crips moved into town I'm knocking out my door Coyote I saw some white dude run I pulled up next to my dog You better look out for a coyote because those studio city streets are dark. Yeah They're fucking dark. Like if I go to Lee Street in the middle, that's the easiest place to mug somebody Like if you're looking to rape somebody just go to fucking what are you? Addison in between cofax and Laurel Canyon. That's rapist paradise there. That's like rapist paradise

You you hide under a bush in the third block You can rape a little fag a little boy or a woman and get out of there with the minutes. I've told the cops that I Just you randomly officer. I need to talk to you. No, I told the cop one day because there was a there was a There was a home invasion a block away from cofax grammar school And I saw a cop on my block and I got I stopped him down. I go, would you do me a favor? Do you mind going down around this block a lot more? He goes like what are you talking about? I go, I've lived in this house for a year and a half

It's the first time I see it coming down this block. We have a security service. Yeah That he belongs to the school. So we rent them off. So and he does patrols But I trust him like I trust Lee with a gun. You know I'm saying yeah He's just a guy that they gave a job to fade dollars. If I tell Lee to watch my house and he sees three fucking Burglars, what's Lee gonna do beat him up? No, he's gonna shoot him and call 911. That's what this guy has to do Yeah, so I told the cops and I go something else. I go This is like one of the fucking best neighbors around and there's no street lights I'll go in between

Like where Felicia used to live The only times I would take Felicia home at night and I almost hit somebody walking a dog Just that dark, huh? You probably because it's a nice neighborhood. They don't want to it ruins the aesthetic or something the aesthetic That's what that's what they'll say. They don't have sidewalks in these neighborhoods. No, it's crazy Studio City, North Hollywood that that crossover. Yeah, my neighborhood. That's like fucking I'm happy my block that the two blocks east because of the school We have that security and the security parks on my corner

So he sees everything he parks right there because that's a parking lot for the school So I'm pretty lucky, but what about the people four blocks on me? What about the people across? Riverside like where Felicia used to live I don't try I used to drive Felicia home. Yeah, and make sure she'd get her door That's how much I don't trust and her. So yeah, I live in Idaho now and it is funny. Just think I'm like, oh, yeah like I don't have these thoughts anymore because There's there's no sidewalks and so many of the neighborhoods there and like so much of it is just dark It's just you're just like yeah, that's just I'm like, oh, yeah, do you even lock your door when he left your house?

I'm not like could could you I mean you could I mean play I'm I do because I'm a little more paranoid than that We luck, but you could I mean you could like yeah, you don't hear about the whole you look cordillane That's the scheme place. Yeah, you know, it's funny. I don't do any of the stuff that you're supposed to do there I don't ski on snowboarding. It's not about the boys Yes. Oh, yeah, my son and daughter they want to get into I think they want to get into abschinis of events in Monroe my daughter my daughter does How long have you lived in cordillane if you don't mind me asking? We've been up there three years and they're fucking skied yet. No, cuz I haven't done it. I know I gotta take them

Kids they don't want to ski. They want to try but they they What do we do? You know, it's funny. They're they like to be home They do we do like a lot of like they're always doing like lessons of some kind or some kind of sports So honestly on top of all that stuff. They just want to like be home Have you taken it to be here tubing is the best cuz tubing you don't have to what we're done. He just goes. Oh my god There's a huge sled hill. Oh, I love that. We do that. We do that. That's easy Just go down, you know, but even on that like yeah, we do that a couple times a year. Yeah, that's fun But uh, yeah, I gotta we gotta actually do the snowboarding or ski, but it is beautiful up there

We do like, you know, it's just nice like get out in the lake or bike rides or you know hikes or whatever Just right be out in the yard. I mean honestly, we got a trampoline in the back I was the best. I don't know what 300 bucks spent my life Like they just want to go do those kind of things. Yeah dogs. You're happy. I am You know, we got a nice like we have a little podcast studio that is literally less than two minute drive from my house So get up in the morning go down there. We got a couple employees now That's what we do in time sock where we're gonna do our scared to death thing So it's like a family business

We have a couple people to work for us that we really like and it's just easy, you know, it's like yes I mean, I had to like, you know, accept that I'm not gonna be able to You know go on auditions or things like that, but I really wasn't doing that anyway And I said, that's not what I I never cared about that just for me I like stand like I still do stand up actually is going better than ever because of the podcast I'm getting more of my fans to the shows than I ever did when I lived here. So for me, it's worked out I wouldn't recommend it for any for everybody, you know, if somebody really wants to You know be in a scene and and come up that way and be part of that or if they're really into like trying to act

Or trying to write or trying to produce. I mean you got to accept that you're not gonna do that kind of stuff But you know, but the game has changed so much though to what's random is I do like Skype auditions I don't even try to do auditions, but everyone else. Well, somebody wants you for a host or something is Skype It's it's crazy. You don't need to leave. Yeah, you don't yeah Yeah, you know, I come down every once in a while for meetings and stuff and even on that stuff I just I love doing I love having my own business and I love kind of being my own brand now And I just want to like go further with that. So for me, I love it and it gives me more time I love to like write and create and stuff like that and I'm not sitting in traffic

I'm not I just get to you know be the office is set up like I like it's an environment conducive to me being creative A bunch of weird shit on the walls all that kind of stuff and it's it's great But I but it would drive some people fucking crazy get to work out up there during the week Is there any way to go and do comedy during the week? No, but you know what? I never did that much when I was down here either It's like I like to think think think constantly and then I the last couple albums I've made have all just been from the road just throwing stuff in the middle Yeah, I never just I think it's because of where I started there wasn't that option Where did you spoke in okay when I got and so I basically my open mics were kind of like triple gigs

I did a little bit of these rooms and spoke in like these weekend rooms and then triple was desperate for features that would Would be willing to drive people to all these Montana gigs and Idaho gigs and all that kind of stuff And so looking back I didn't realize how crazy it was and I had a guitar early on which I ended up dropping like four years in but I got All this road time and these weird little bars all over the Northwest and I just learned to develop new bits in that Atmosphere and then that just became part of my process and then when I started featuring in clubs and stuff same thing I would just every week It was a goal to get a new bit to work and that stuck in my head and then and then it was when I went to LA

I had kids I went to LA came to LA after I was divorced So when my kids were here, you know, I had to be with them the whole time and when I wasn't with them the whole time I was doing gigs on the road the whole time. So it just never fit lifestyle wise To to really work things out on a regular basis in the club So I just never developed that where you have to know what you shoot your special one your new special way It's gonna be October 17th, I think it's it's a crowfoot ballroom. It's like a little rock club and Pontiac, Michigan little suburb of Detroit and Yeah, I think I think I think it's almost I mean, it's not a big place

But I think it's almost all that you know, I wanted something different Well part of it was markets we'd already burned, you know, because there was and then markets We'd already filmed that we just want to do something different and I've like recorded stuff and Portland, Oregon Salt Lake City and Spokane, Washington and Minneapolis and And last time I was through Detroit I said a blast and it just but a lot of it was like routing worked out Well, you know routing there's a there's a couple other cities that maybe like the next time around, you know Denver I love but but we already had Denver kind of on the books

by the time we decided to kind of try and do the special so so Mostly was based on venue availability Honestly out of markets that I liked we looked at Atlanta and then in Detroit with the final two and then Detroit just gave us the It's a great comedy city. I've had a blast. It's always every time I've been there. I've had a blast I've had a great time in the whole state of Michigan. Yeah, you know what me whole state of Michigan Oh, yeah, you know, they talk about you at Dr. Grins. Yeah, Bob. Yeah, I love those guys I love those guys a fun place. I when I was Grand Rapids The comedy yeah, I did from Niles. I did from it's called Niles, Michigan, which is really called misshawak

Yeah, I don't know that I've been to Indiana. Okay, so you play Notre Dame. Yeah I've done all the way from misshawaka all the way up to ish for me To what each for me. I don't even know I mean is the tip where it's fucking penguin weather All year round and then you got Mackinac Island. Oh, yeah When I was in the big vacation place right in the late 90s I say 30% of my road work was in the state of Michigan the other 30 in Texas Wow, that's random Texas

You could you could live in Texas and do was there like a David Tribble of Texas or what you were doing clubs in Texas In Texas, I was doing No, at the time I wasn't in Texas at all. There was a guy named initials He fired me early on I told him to suck my dick because he would give you He would sign you up for five nights and the week of the gig he called you and tell you there's two nights Yeah, and it's thursday and thursday. So what am I tuesday and friday? So what the fuck am I supposed to do for three nights all the way out in the fucking Tucson, Arizona? Walk to the fucking gig

TJ something so I I moved to seattle and I called him like a man and I told him that I couldn't do the gig because yeah, he goes you took it if you cancel you'll never work an improv again And I said okay, and then the night of the gig. I said nobody threatens uncle joey and I waited till seven o'clock. He texted the Peep me And he goes, where are you? I'm ten minutes out And he goes, okay, why you're in seattle, right? I'm in seattle and then he called back and he goes Where the fuck are you and I go, you know where I am? I'm in seattle You ever threaten me again? I'll get in the car and go down there and knock the fuck

I just went off. Fuck you. That's fucking great. He's like, you'll never work again. You'll never work an improv You're not right. Yeah I called him years later. Yeah. Oh, that's great. You did in houston. He had he had a room in starkville, Mississippi And it was open somebody said they're looking for a lighter. I called him like, oh, you got just to see And he goes, what's your name? I told him. He goes, man, your name sounds familiar to me He goes, he goes call me tomorrow. I'll let you know And the next day I called him. I go, you remember who I am. He goes, I never forgot who the fuck you were I go still 20 years later. Fuck you cuckuck

I had tripling those days, but I also had the grand rapids guy john yoda. Yeah, the yoders. Yeah John yoda was very very very good to me. Oh, that's great. I only know his uh, sons Right james and those got yeah, mm-hmm the first time they gave me a check that had tears in their eyes The first time the sun's in that was the biggest check I had ever received. Oh, you had tears. Oh, they had tears Oh, because they were so happy for you. Yeah. Yeah Oh, ha ha took me a second because they're sad that they had to give you that much money You could send them the message. I loved the death. What happened was it was the very beginning of the podcast Yeah, and what for people don't know

Uh, the legend the floyd mayweather is from grand rapids michigan. Floyd phillips Oh, oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, floyd mayweather. That's right. And the floyd phillips comedy. I thought you're yeah I thought you're joking around the comic. I missed the kidney. I love when he's a good man. But yeah, floyd mayweather God rest his soul, but floyd weather A lot of people don't know it's got the more churches per capita in the country. Huh, so the two yoda boys who were sweethearts Believe that dirty comedy wouldn't do well So they laughed at my agent they laughed at anybody In fact, they learned the hard way because they think they got leno for the comedy festival grand rap

Oh, yeah, uh, uh-huh the gilda fester. Yeah, I'm gonna take it or something. That's a fucking working class community Who's gonna pay a yardstick to see jay leno? That was 20 years ago. I always said that don't feel so good myself you know I'm saying So when they called for me there was two clubs that laughed at me It was them and carolines. Okay And they really laughed at me carolines carolines like deez isn't worth it. He's like He's a ham and egga and my grand rapids was like we'll book them

but Dirty comedy doesn't fly over here So they went ahead and gave me like 90 of the door. Oh That's awesome. And you killed it. And when they had to give me that check On saturday night, you could see them like their head was down Like it was like they had tears in their eyes. They didn't call my manager back for like a month They didn't want to hear my name, but You cannot you know, there was a lot of comedy clubs like that. They who else was like that? He changed his tune

He's my brother today. Keith Stubbs. Oh, yeah, man. I love you. I love Keith He brought dug stand hoping in 2001 and the chamber of commerce went fucking nuts They wrote a letter they accused to close them down. I mean, it was fun. Yeah, well, he was fighting that the culture there Yeah, for a long time. He was very scared. Yeah, finally called him in 2014. I said hey help, you know That was a long time ago. Right, right shot. Yeah, and he goes, I don't know if it'll work So he put me in the little room. Oh, yeah And then he had at the eps in the big room and it was like he's like, I'm sorry Can you stay for saturday?

And I'm like, I can't because he thought it wasn't gonna work, but he was a nice guy Yeah, yeah, he's he's great. It was the guys that were like negative about and the yoda's one is negative Sure, sure. Yeah, but there's a lot of people just I get on a business level There's a lot of people that dirty comedy will not work on our market, right and you'd be fucking surprised Yeah, funny comedy works in every market. He works in every market, you know, so it's really weird what you go through at every level Whether you're an emcee a feature or a fucking headline. Yeah, I still go through fucking that. I mean that Orange county don't lie me What how many magic clubs? Oh, well, yeah

They won't have me even in that club. That's a very business model I was very happy because at least they called me and told me to my face. Yeah. Yeah like men Instead of me having me a email that yeah, they don't email you They're a rare club that way. They're a rare club. They're very good Richard and the guys down there, but they have a different and I used to do spots here and there but And with me too, they'd be like, hey, but you can't you know, you got to do very clean and blah blah They had they have a very rare business model and good for them where they can pack that room just kind of regardless You know, or at least they used to used to just be like and they're nice people and they're nice people

Oh, they feed you and they give you a steak good food. Good food when you when you're broke in those days I'm a Ralphie would bring home a piece of salmon from a cheap piece of salmon. Yeah, I ate the baked potato Ah But isn't it cool now when you're talking about like these markets and stuff what I love is uh, you know Because like the podcast world and because how things have changed online Well, and like we use specifically like You know, you have with you youtube and the podcast such a big consistent following that You don't need to worry about any club because there's alt venues in every city

Where you're following is they don't care if you're at, you know, fucking scoots McGee's Laugh, you know chuckle shack or You know, uh Don's rock club like whatever they'll just go to a venue that you want to go And so I just feel like comics have more freedom than they've ever had that way Where it's like if you build that following online and you get those fans that just want to see you You can work wherever those fans are Andrew. It's it's amazing Andrew. I don't know him. I know of him, but I don't know him Andrew Schultz if you're a comedian and you're not doing what Andrew Schultz is doing today

If you're at a stuck level and you're real frustrated. I want you to follow Andrew Schultz And do everything he does For beta. I know he's been killing it. He's doing a new special the same day. It's probably the one here on youtube Oh, you put on yeah on youtube. Yeah, yeah, you just go for it Yep, no good for him. Good for him a year. I hope it's not gonna work for you Andrew Schultz is putting the time. Sure. Sure. So before you go mimicking Put in 10 years and then he figured this out by doing it, right? If you mimic Andrew Schultz, you will have success today

Yeah, everything to the t the way he puts his material up his social media his relationship with the audience Nobody's doing that. Yeah He's doing a fucking sensational job. That's awesome. What I mean is and that's the freedom That we have today is coming to have that direct relationship with fans. We were dependent on agents. Yeah for everything a booking this yep that fucking uh Christ should put a video of him up dancing. I saw it. It's so funny and america's got talent. Yep. I saw him post about that too Yeah, so I mean

You control your fucking destiny. Yeah, you control your fucking destiny. So you're at the store tonight Eight o'clock. Yes. You know, I'm you know, I've actually never performed on that stage before and you're the main rule I know I you ain't fucking around. I'm excited. I'm excited for you. I'm sorry. I have a pta meeting I love it. I love it. I love you're going to a pta meeting out this Thursday. I got a pta meeting So I got I love you're a good dad, man. Huh? I love that you're a good dad for real It's all I got left Well, I was you got plenty you got plenty I'm so many, you know, when you don't have a father and then you have a lot of fathers like I

Not that my mother was a whore. I just had a lot of people who I looked up to as fathers Yeah, I I put the what with the perfect father beat together What would the ideal situation be in my head, you know, and I try my hardest She's a girl So they have a couple more gaps to fill As a female you have to fill those gaps with them But if you're consistent with them, you're gonna get a heavy fucking hitter I've seen this formula done before, you know

I've seen it's funny because we're talking about colleges. I have a niece that just started medical school. That's awesome. She loves me. I love her You know, she's a fucking gangster Doesn't get high doesn't drink One time I brought my sister weed, but I dropped it and she found it and sold it at school I mean, she's a gangster. She's a gangster. I love her to death It's so weird that she'll live and die for me this niece. I have five nieces that I'm tight with but She doesn't like my comment

You know what I am because she's a college student right right right four year old You know, we go out to dinner. She just shakes her head sometimes. She accepts me Yes, she loves you. She accepts me. Yeah, it's so weird where they're sent to humorous. Sure. Sure my college is early Right, but no, I wanted to always be a good dad. I've always wanted to be when you don't have a dad you can't wait to be a dad and I lost my first daughter not out of being a good dad I lost because not having a good relationship with my wife and what was going on with the drugs and the comedy So when I got the second chance I rise to the occasion

I rose to that's awesome, man. You have to yeah. Yeah, well, you know what? You don't have to though, but you did you chose to that's what yeah You know, I saw a lot of people around in this town that their fathers were successful But now these kids are walking around lost Because at the end of the day, they didn't know their fathers were they were always on the road and they they have Memories of their fathers, but I guarantee you know, right? It's not the memories that and it's the little things You know for years. I thought you had to buy your kids all this stuff and spend all this money in disney You know, my daughter if I just sit there and watch duck tales of her and never explain it to me

Yeah, let her explain the characters. It means more to her Than anything in the world and a trip around the fucking world. It's just yeah Amazing what you learn, you know, so I think that it's a good balance for comedy It's really been a great balance for me. Yeah this age Because kids don't they don't care if you killed or if you ate it Whatever they just want dad to love them and want to spend time with dad. It's beautiful. That's it Yeah, that's it. So I try to put as much time as I can in you know Yeah, I started the podcast with the science. I love that. I love that because she won't shut the fuck up

You know, I call her eight ball. She won't shut the fuck up I think she's been doing both. She was four. She won't shut up. She's like all night. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, just pop up something out of the blue and just run with it. You're like, whoa That's awesome, man, but I'm happy you're shooting this special. Oh, thanks man. What's the name of the uh Location where you shoot? Uh, Pontiac crowfoot ballroom and people put a links up to know before the Oh, yeah, he's on sale one of them. Yeah, we don't have uh, yeah, we got a couple tickets left. It's a it's a smaller Yeah, but uh, yeah that and then uh scared to death that that trailers out now that just went out Lindsay and I are really excited about that and time sucks doing well

Man, uh, it's so different now. Isn't that isn't that crazy? Like I think about I'm excited about the special Don't get me wrong. I love standing up. I'm excited that special But uh, I've gotten so into like podcast stuff and like that stuff even I don't love it more But I just love that you can create your own project to continually Kind of promote talk about and have that no one can take from you You know, you can just put stuff out that you that you're passionate about and people can find it right away

It's it's the best man. It's the fucking best There's no excuses Right, there isn't no one's stopping you No, it's you you don't have to pay to have a youtube account No, I can't I don't go to montreal doesn't matter Doesn't matter You know I talking about it's crazy now where no excuses no more. Yeah, it's just such a different business It's all on you now. Yep, you don't make it. It's your fault because

You have every tool twitch You could take your dick out and hit it and people donate right there's a fucking thing that you can stab a woman and they'll donate You have a thousand ways to become You know what that changed our lives our thing is uh For times the patreon we have had a crazy amount of subscribers more than I ever expected And they just it's the most beautiful thing They're they're paying five bucks a month because they just want to hear it

They get an extra podcast a week and it's a different like this little auxiliary podcast It goes with it's like a little clubhouse vibe They just want that and they want to support the regular show And that was something that five years ago. I wouldn't have been ready I would have felt weird about it for whatever reason just my own stupid shit I'd be like, well, no, he's supposed to do a show and then you know There's there's a different route and then I realized there's no rules I kept thinking about that. I I didn't hear him say this to me

But rory scoble really funny comic somebody told me they were asking him advice and he was like who told you there were rules And I and I needed to hear that and I was like there's no fucking rules And it's this and this is thing now where They have changed our life like, you know, like uh less than 6,000 fans over You know total to do that have changed our whole life. They allowed us to hire a couple people They allowed us to have a studio they allowed us to buy equipment to take chances on other shows And now that's where all of my energy is And it's just and what's weird now is now people are wanting to do auditions and things that I don't even want to do

I don't want to do because I'm like, no, I fucking I got this. I got my thing. This is what I want Yeah, this is it. No, it's beautiful. It's been uh, It's it's been great for comedians. It's a wonderful time to be an artist. Yes. Yes Let's just say yeah, it's a wonderful time to be an artist And if you're thinking about it, I'll tell you you have no fucking excuse Yeah, your phone has everything now you can edit videos. You can shoot videos in 4k You can do all that stuff electrify yourself with that fucking thing You could do whatever the fuck you want. You can do that closing bit where you smash your fucking dick in front of the audience

With your phone. It's everything's right there. I mean dates. You can show it up your ass. Uh, you can light it on fire. Um Yeah, the happy murder tool that we call it but the dates, uh, yeah throughout the rest of the year I can't remember. What's your website? Dan Cummins dot tv. Okay. They're all on there. No Dave Chappelle shit. I don't have I can't pull that off. I can't pull that off. I fucking took everything down people stop seeing me Isn't it I've ever heard my life before I know we gotta stop but the Dave Chappelle. I don't know this might be a myth But since just talking about mystique of Dave Chappelle. I heard this story I don't know why they would lie if it wasn't true

But they said that Dave Chappelle was in uh, Portland, Oregon And he went down to a park with like a little portable speaker and a mic This is like a couple years after the Chappelle show went away and just started in some kind of Maybe there was like a speaker's day where people were kind of like a hide park situation But anyway, just started doing just telling stories And within like An hour there was over a thousand people that are just gathered around to fucking witness and then he's fucking like a weird Pied piper, but I used to hear stories. That was the weirdest story. I wasn't there. Don't know if it's true

But I just I love the mystique. I love what he shows talking about comics holding hands earlier It's just so cool to see what one person can accomplish through comedy and what he's doing right now It's just it's like magical a new cheer frame. Yes It's not like other comics that have had success and you know, there's scumbags No, this this guy they're pulling the wool over people's eyes. Nope. He's a real deal. Kevin Hart's the real deal. Oh, that's great You know, there's a lot Russell Peters. It's just yeah Yes, yeah, yeah, you know, we're living in a system, you know, I guess because of the but They have nothing to be angry about right right, you know, yeah

I wish them all the luck in the world. Yeah, man. Me too. Me too It made me so happy to watch especially on night and cheer and laugh. It's awesome. It's awesome. You know, you were coming Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you tonight. The motherfucking store eight o'clock Dead coming smashing his dick smashing his fucking right in a fire Don't forget the 13th of September. I am in Dallas. There's a few tickets left San Antonio sold out on the 14th and I got the chicago tita on the 27th Tremendous fucking show. That's it. And that's that. Oh shit. Hold on. I gotta do a little word for my sponsors first off number one

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I want to thank zip recruiter And I want to thank my bookie ag for being great sponsors this week But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for following the podcast Supporting us and always being fucking family to us So without further ado have a happy weekend. Don't forget to follow Dan Cummings. We're at Dan Cummings comedy or time suck or yeah. No, what's the name of the website? Dan Cummings dot tv Dan Cummings dot tv Have a great weekend. Be safe. Don't get bit by a shark and get your dick sucked. I'll leave you with that

Lee kick this fucking meal Oh Mama told me When I was young Set beside me My only son And listen closely To what I say

And if you do this, it'll help you some sunny day So Well take your time Don't live too fast Troubles will come And they will pass We'll find a woman And you'll find love

And don't forget son There is someone up above And this simple Kind of me Will be something You love and understand There will be a simple Kind of me

Oh, won't you do this for the son if you can Get your lust For the rich friends gold All that you need Is in your soul And you can do this If you try All that I want for you my son

Will be satisfied And this simple Kind of me Will be something You love and understand There will be a simple Kind of me Oh, won't you do this for the son if you can

Oh, yes I will Oh Oh Don't you worry You'll find yourself Follow your heart And nothing else You can do this

Oh baby If you try All that I want for you my son Will be satisfied And this simple Kind of me Will be something You love and understand

There will be a simple Kind of me Oh, won't you do this for the son if you can Baby, this simple This simple, baby Will be something You love and understand Baby, this simple