Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #717 - The 30 year anniversary of the #2nd worst mistake Joey Diaz ever made

Episode Date: September 9, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about the difference between small mistakes and mistakes that change your life forever. Today is the 30 year anniversary of one of the biggest mistakes in his life. Joey talks about what lead up to making that decision, when he knew he made a mistake, and how that mistake still shapes how he lives his life today.  This podcast is brought to you by:  MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Express VPN - Get 3 months free when you buy a one year package. Go to www.expressvpn.com/church to learn more and protect your privacy.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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I'm walking around like the sound the fucking music. I feel great. Yeah fucking CBD line Go to CBD line calm right now and press in church and get 20% off your first order All right, it's fucking Monday morning. We're playing for fucking keeps take this motherfucking mule leak Beautiful beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. I don't know what the fuck you're thinking Oh, whatever it is, it's gonna change Whip that bitch what Oh It's Monday you bad motherfuckers. Thank you for being here on the church today is myself and the Christ killer

Whoo, I want to thank you guys for supporting the last couple weeks. We've had some heavy-duty guests with some heavy-duty messages and I always like when a guest has a message for you guys that you guys take something away whether it was rich Ross Eliza James or fucking Matt Schultz, whatever Andrew Andrew Schultz my favorite new fucking Little man from New York when I want to talk to you guys about today. I'm mistakes You know when you make a mistake like I own it the wrong shoes You know, you make a right turn and you're fucking

You know you get back on that's a fucking mistake, you know Today is 9919 This is a really weird day for me 9 9 89 Was the day I got married 30 fucking years ago today today So for the last week, I have really been thinking about this Like where I was as a human being then and where I was as a human being today because now I could gauge it through that marriage and what my thought process was and it's so weird that

That was the second biggest mistake of my life. She was a great girl and we weren't supposed to be married I dated her for four years before we got married and it was just The whole four years like the whole four years. I was trying to You know prepare this podcast and write a little bit last night. I was just thinking about It was just a great. I mean we were together for four years and we lived in five different states In four years, so like did you think like a year in like yeah, we're having fun, but I won't marry I was 22 years old. No, okay. I wasn't even thinking about fucking marriage

I was 22 years old when you're 23 years old. You shouldn't be thinking about marriage You haven't found my girl. You're going away from on weekends. Everybody works. Everybody's got energy to do shit You're basically fucking you're in love you young nobody's talking about marriage, you know, somebody talks about it. You shut it down. I Know I was too busy. I was doing drugs. I was doing crimes. She was just my Bonnie and Clyde whatever We were just a Bonnie and Clyde team And I was with her for a long time and the reason why I want to talk about this is important because When you marry somebody It's a fucking big big big big

decision You know, I was speaking to a friend of mine two weeks ago a very dear dear friend I've known him since grammar school and it was one of the saddest calls I ever had Because he told me he's 60 years old and he's alone. He doesn't know what he did on This planet to be alone. He had been married five times The left he got married two times in one year He married one chicken at last six months the last chick she married. Are you ready for this one? I mean, I love him to daily and

He's family and stuff, but I had a laugh She told him that she was going home to visit her father They got married and they were together like two weeks and she told him she was going home to visit her father And then he got divorced thing in the mail You know he sees So now you're 60 and you're alone You know what nobody wants to die alone when you're 20, you're like, I don't give a fuck. I don't need no bitch

I don't need no man. I'll die like Charles Bronson in a bunker. No, you listen Nobody wants to die alone that and it's so weird that I started before I started dating this girl I had been on a and I'm not ashamed to say that I had been celibate for eight months and Without a girlfriend for a year like I was on a really bad Cold streak in my life. I was getting my life together. We're part of Those part of that. Yeah, I was four months. I was homeless. So it's tough to get pussy when you're homeless, you know, I'm saying but It was one of those years I was just having a bad year and and it was funny I Hadn't touched a woman for like eight months and in three days. I was in three women when I got the bone

Whoa, like it was that fast. I met a girl on the plane the next day. I went to get an apartment I met a girl on the hill I ended up fooling around with and then I met some other girl and we dated for like two nights And I never saw her again. She lived on the other side of town. It was like when you don't need it It's it's there. It was just a weird a weird time in my life. So I was just Enjoying bold. I was just living bolder, but back to the case here What I met her, you know, we just dated and then I went we almost broke up

right before I Went to prison. I got locked up November 18th when I got charged. That was the day I kidnapped that dude Like November 5th, she had a hair thing She was cutting hair and she had like a competition and she wanted me to go and I didn't go I just didn't want to go. It was like a mile away It was like an hour away and I didn't want to go and that really hurt her feelings and that left us some limbo We weren't limbo for about two weeks And I had seen her once or twice, but the relationship wasn't on good terms and all of a sudden I got arrested

So all of a sudden She stayed loyal and she stuck it out with me, you know We worked together on getting all the paperwork done everything that was due and you know She helped me get my GED. She drove me to this place. I mean, it was just crazy after the So that made this a little tighter, you know, and then I got sentenced and she didn't turn her back on me then and Wow It's funny because while I was in prison

you know For four years I was with her every day and then I get locked up and Now I'm not with her And I gotta be honest with you it wasn't like I was missing her during the week and When she'd come to see me on Sundays, I was more concerned with what she brought me Than seeing her like it was just really weird so I thought When I got out

That we would To be honest here to be strictly honest here because I was such a loser my mental phase is when I got out I'd fuck up and we'd break up Like I didn't want to break up with her especially after she was so nice to me and stuck it out with me in prison and stuff But I knew that the electricity wasn't there Like it's not like I was writing a love letters every fucking day from prison I wrote her a letter from time to time and I'm being as honest as I can here But if we were to be and this has happened to a lot of the people listening to this podcast at this point

You're too far involved and Something inside he doesn't want to say stop like a stop We shouldn't be together, but I Was weird while I was in prison She would come on Mondays and I would tell not to wear underwear and shit like that and we would have sex We would eat something And between you and me guys I couldn't wait for her to get up and leave That's not good. No, and it was it was fucking with me. I just thought it was maybe something

I was going through Because I was locked up and then boom I get out And again, she's my world and we're hanging out and she was a beautiful girl guys And she had a great family Who adopted me as part of their family and they really came through For me when the fucking when I got locked up. That's when they really showed their true colors I mean I always had my doubts that they even liked me when I got locked up The mother and dad bent over backwards for me

So in my mind I had a debt to pay them and the debt was to come out of prison And be a fucking good guy like that dad my ex-wife's dad And mom for that case with good Fucking white people out of buffalo. I mean solid Fucking polish people out of buffalo solid. I mean I think about them. There's not a week that goes by. I don't think about him or her In some way they had become my parents. I was really tight with her and after I got locked up After the first time I went to county and it was her father who bailed me out

It was my girlfriend's father who bailed me out and then we became tight We became my father and son. I would go up there every Saturday and cut fire firewood with him and we'd fucking bail hay and fucking Shovel snow and kill snakes, you know, this was endless before I got locked up. I was very tight with him So now I went to prison. He's sitting there with me in prison When I when I was looking to get out The judge was going to community corrections had ruled me out They voted not to have me in community corrections

What that means is they didn't want me to be like Jeffrey Epstein They didn't want me to go to work every day like have a work release program He fucking wrote a letter and and paid my attorney to do a special hearing To go in front of the community corrections board to accept me into a halfway house I mean, so these are all the little things they did for me So on the back of my mind, I was indebted to their family in a big way And I had to pay that debt So I put my head down. I got out of prison. I got a good job and

listen, man I it's not like I was robbing or kidnapping All that shit was behind me The only thing I was still fighting were my demons who were the drugs And everybody knew that like uh, she knew it. I don't think the parents knew it The parents had known of my drug use But didn't know my drug use at the time She knew about my drug use and we

You know sometimes We think it's gonna get better You ever you go buy a car And you walk in and you go I want the car to be Baby powder blue and the guy goes I don't have it in blue I have it in fucking Canary yellow And you're like, well, I really don't like that color but the guy says to you what if

I lower the price six hundred dollars. Would you like to color better and you're like, yeah You lower it for six hundred I would and you take the car You take the car you drive the car You're happy with the car, but at the end of the day, it's not the car you wanted Yeah, you save six hundred and you know, you want out the dinner with three and you put three in the bank But it's not really the car you wanted That's I want you to think about that. It's not the car you wanted We do this in life sometimes

We go along with something. It's not really what I wanted But let me go along with it. You know, when you serve an apprenticeship Nobody wants to serve a fucking apprenticeship. Nobody wants to do four fucking years digging wires and shit to to fucking For eight bucks an hour to get spiked bit by spiders and snakes and shit like that But you know at the end of the four years, you're gonna have a career You know

That's why if you get into one of those careers, you want to make sure you love all this shit, but What i'm trying to say is this that I was indebted to their family So when I got out, I tried my hardest. The only problem I had was my addiction I thought that in time Like buying a car and saving 600 I thought that in time I would get used to the car

You know what i'm saying and we all do that. We all do this at one point in our lives And we learn a valuable lesson. I didn't do it with a car. I did it with a human being What bothers me the most about This 30 years and looking backwards That I did something that I didn't want to do that I was raised not to do Which is to tell people what you feel And if you don't want to do something don't do it, you know

I got caught in a fog that I if I would have sat her down like a man and said listen I love you But i'm not crazy gaga over you like i'm not I don't know it was I think it was too soon after my mom's death Something was not right for my feelings torture well, I don't necessarily believe in soulmates, but I think there's some things that it just worked with someone It could be like a job like the same thing with a car

Everyone's taking like Jobs or gone to the same school a school you don't really want to go to all that shit We all do those things we all do those type of things But they involve us Like i'm a firm believer and listen I don't mind walking down a dark alley, but i'm not taking you with me I don't want you to do it to me. So I don't do it to people Yeah, me picking the wrong car. That's on me for later

me Putting somebody through what I did Was not the right case So instead of me sitting her down and I didn't I didn't How the fuck do you know When you're in love totally in love with somebody You really don't I don't know. It's like when you first meet somebody it was first that first year

You're walking on clouds. You're whistling, you know, and then you get into an argument. I don't fucking know I don't know if we were used to each other I don't know because I lived with her for a while that we had already felt through a married couple I knew I loved her, but I didn't know So i'm in a halfway house. It's 89 We're seeing each other, you know, uh every other day we're going to You know in between the halfway house because I I had Excuse me. I had time to leave the halfway house and come home every day

You know, I had hours throughout the day so I'd meet her in certain times Sometimes we had sex sometimes we just had lunch And one day we were by a mother's house and went for a hike and I gave her a stab in the mountains You know, we were just walking around. It was a nice day in april or something I just gave her a stab and a month later she came back to me told me she was pregnant and I got to tell you here. I was out of prison, you know, uh I Really didn't have it together by no means

I knew how to make Money I knew how to make, you know 60,000 a year 70,000 a year That's what I was capable of making but I didn't know anything else about life. I knew nothing else Uh when she told me she had the baby I could Honestly tell you guys at one point at all. I had not even one point. I think of aborting the baby or anything I'm from the old school, you know, she told me she was pregnant I asked her what she wanted to do and she said that she would feel better if we got married

So it was like something that I didn't have a time to think about it. It's it's it's funny We have a running joke li and I that I bust his balls. So Every couple weeks I go I'm showing the woman. I'm gonna I love my town, you know There was a one night li and I were having a discussion about something And I'm like li what a fuck are you and he's like, I'm in Boston with Paul and I'm I'm showing the girl I love that I'm possibly gonna marry in my hometown and I'm like this poor bastard and till this dad busts his balls about it because

He doesn't know how close he came to being me And whether he understands or not that I was busting his balls when you said that to me that This is possibly the girl I'm gonna marry. I remember having that knot in my stomach like I did when I got married Because you don't know about this knot till you get married It's it's a terrible knot and we all know about the knot when we're doing something we don't really want to do You know, it was the same knot

well, I mean Because you and I get what you're saying that it's not it's not nice to bring her along but You guys were both young And I like I didn't I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to marry Paula until after we broke up

Well, like like looking back at you like, yeah, yeah, but no, but here's the funny thing that guys like you and I believe society. Yeah, okay This is why I I wanted to do this podcast Because I wanted to tell you that society I wanted to tell you all the wrongs of society You know the little unwritten rules of society that Are meant to be broken They're not solid in paper. They're not

These are unwritten rules that we believe that I've broken that I know for a fact you could break them, you know You were young when you met paul Because you had just been out of a relationship for a year. I mean, there's so many different situations that go into a relationship When you see them, you know When I fuck when she told me I had to marry her like she didn't tell me I had to marry that we should get married I went along with it. I went and got the rings of her. We shut up the thing And for three months I worked So drugs and I did everything I could to make a dime

Everything I could to make a dollar. I sold the eclipse cars. Mitsubishi eclipses at sticker price I was selling tons of blow at the halfway house. I was loan shark and money at the halfway house I was doing a thousand things Because I didn't even know what a husband was Do you know what I am like? How could you you're 25? I didn't know what a husband was No, but that's not no excuse. See that's the excuse. We always tell ourselves We're 25. We're 18. We're 19 There's tons of 19 year olds that made it work

There's a ton of girls that I went to high school with that is still With the guys they dated in high school. Are they happy? They're together because like that's the thing because you hear all those it's like 50% divorce And I and my parents didn't have a good marriage it's like I see people my age or younger getting married. I'm like Why like I feel like maybe if you waited longer and learned what you actually wanted

Marriages would last longer. Well, this is what we're getting to here is that I married her And I mean guys I got to tell you something that whole summer I was excited I couldn't wait For September 9th to come Like Jesus Christ my parents orphaned

My fucking I dropped out of high school. I mean I failed everywhere else basically Fuck I got this right. I went to prison. I got out Uh, she's got a great family. She's a great girl Fuck I hit a home run Now all I got to do is cover a certain not every month And I can basically do whatever I want. I got a chick that does laundry for me And somebody to suck your dick

And you know and when you're 25 and you're an animal like me, that's what you're thinking about I'm not going to sit here and pamper it up for anybody to make you feel good. That's what we think of young men We uh, we got somebody to do laundry and somebody to cook for us And you know now we could still run our game. Oh I'm still going to go to vegas and lee on a weekend to drink really you can't do that shit. We get married, you know But I the whole summer I was all psyched for the wedding I had a best man. I had a fucking uh I had uh, some of my friends were coming out from jersey. We rented this fucking

Courtyard Marriott and it was on It was fucking on I was still in the halfway house guys I'm in a fucking halfway house And I had to get a judge Because I got released from the halfway house maybe a week before I got married so they uh since

Then they wanted to look at my this is some crazy shit They wanted to look at my guest list from the wedding So they made me hire A boulder police officer This is crazy shit because I was still in the community corrections And then there was going to be alcohol being served There was some crazy shit at my wedding. So you weren't allowed to drink at your wedding? No, but I still snorted coke Nobody really knew towards the end. I still was snorting coke

My friends showed up And we got to we got married at this place called sacred heart and boulder And the the priest's name was father tom. I love this motherfucker And uh, you know, I did the marriage classes. I did the whole fucking thing Lee I mean, I was all in Number two, you got to remember my other thought of process at the end of the day guys. No matter what the fuck I tell you I'm cat Marriage is a fucking sacrament

So I had skipped all the confirmation Right. I had done baptism my first communion And I don't know what else that's it. I still had seven more to go the last two You know, you get buried in the anointing of the sick But marriage is up there somewhere. So I took the classes. I mean guys, I was all in I thought I was all in And Wedding day came

We got to the church my best man showed up. He was up for two days before he got He had coke rings around his nose So they wouldn't let him stand The priest came up to me because the priest father tom was a drug counselor up in san francisco And he knew what people on drugs look like. So he pulled me aside. He was listening. This guy can't stand then He's got rings around his nose joey. So I go, okay. So I had my best friend george Who I still talk about in the podcast all star frames and cliffside park I had him

stand in for Mike runny And I got wet married and stuff, but I don't know if you guys follow college football What was uh, saturday's biggest college football game was nebraska, colorado at colorado Let me tell you something when nebraska plays colorado Colorado the whole state shoots shuts down but boulder

Really shuts down When they play in boulder The city completely run down If you put a mask on like the hamburgler And the jacket and get a gun with a bag you could rob every business because nobody gives a fuck the cops don't even react When the colorado buffalo is playing Colorado is a big time football state and it's a cow

cop It's a fun cowboy. It's a it's a football city I got married if you look at the camp if you today's september 9th Who played on september 7th, nebraska, colorado at colorado? Well, so I I got married on the day of the colorado nebraska wedding unbeknownst to me. I never even thought about it When you get married on the day nobody's paying attention. Even the priest wasn't paying attention He just he just read off a cue card. What's the score? You know say like nobody gives a fuck So I didn't know so we get back to the courtyard married my friends are coked up to the gills

They're fucking doing bumps They are there's a little lounge and they kept telling the guy at the lounge. Where's the tv? And the guy's like we got no tv and they're like, how the fuck don't you have a tv in the lounge? Here's my girlfriend's family Her family came in from buffalo. They're all nice white polish people They ain't bothering nobody. Here's my friends out of their mind having an argument with the hotel staff About no fucking tv at the bar

So one of my buddies said fuck this he sent one of the fucking guys bellman to a hardware store mc mc mc mc dukkins mc guckins mc guckins He sent them to a hardware store in bolder named mc guckins Where he got an extension cord and my other buddy paid for a hotel room They took the tv out of the hotel room and put it on the table at the wedding And while we were dancing half the people were circled around the table watching the football game At the divorce my wife brought that issue up. That's how hot my wife got about my friends I don't blame her football so my wife

But by her getting hot at that wedding It kind of pissed me off a little bit that day I don't know why like for her to like and I get it. It's your biggest day and some more about But she knew when she was marrying. She knew that I was a savage And she knew she hadn't met half my friends already. She knew they were savages Here's what what went Here's what gets fucking weird. So I marry her. I say yes, we're at the reception guys. We're having a great time The food is great, you know, family's great

And we were going to go to san francisco now. I was on probation They told me they looked at my face friday and said When you get back on tuesday What time do you get back? I was like, I think I get back like I do. They want you. They they said to me right out the back And they got a george a judge to sign the order They were like, we want you to go home unpack And be in our office by five

To submit a urine sample Whoa, and I said that's going to be no problem. If I got high on friday night I would have been fine. Oh, is that fast? We'll go. Yeah 72 hours at that time So that friday my bachelor party Was basically me george and my brother-in-law joe and we got like two eight balls and four cases of beer And we just sat in my living room and got high watching mtv videos. That was my bad support. There was no girls

There was no strippers Nobody got jizzling that it's nothing like that It was just three guys. We just sat there all night and talked And then at one time george left and my brother-in-law told me he was happy that we did not print abortion That that meant a lot to him and blah blah blah So I was really happy and now came the day of the wedding I had to keep it under control, but at about six o'clock I did my first line, you know just to join in

I wasn't allowed to drink at my wedding, but I snuck a couple glasses of champagne just to get a little alcohol on me and then we the plan was to take like the Seven o'clock flight out of then denver stapleton and go to san francisco And then sunday We're going to go to the Yankees against the oklanes with kenseko and that whole team and then monday night We're going to go to monday night football. It was a giant against the san francisco 49ers for the season opener Okay, so and this is laurence tail and joe montana. This is tremendous So on the plane we get on the fucking plane the seven o'clock plane to san francisco

And it's not too full It's kind of on the empty side So we sit in the back She had what do you call those stockings with the Nylums no the ones that girls wear to look sexy uh Oh, I there's another word for nylon. I know you don't tell them pantyhose Pantyhose with the fucking clips and the whole weapons and the whole like garter thing

She had a garter belt on and she was beautiful. She max wife was a beautiful girl And right there on the plane dogs. We started fucking on the plane. Jesus like an aisle like 18 There was nobody around us And I just went through over doggy style in the aisle and we just started fucking And then she got on top me and we started fucking and oh, yeah Who are the flight attendants they were minding their own business This is like the late flight out. I think we 69 the little bit of the flight We did it all me and her

she was She had to be let me see She was four months pregnant. Oh my god, we were doing everything she didn't do blow She didn't know about my drug use. See I was lying to her already like she did not know What a fuck weekend she knew because she was doing coke with me for four years She knew that I would get pale and my neck would start fucking rumbling around and shit. So After we finished having sex on the plane She made a comment

And if I tell you this guys you're not gonna believe this but right there I knew the marriage was over Wow, like as I was sitting there looking at her I started realizing the mistake I had made Like one minute we were having sex and now we were sitting She was sitting by the window and I was in the aisle seat We had the middle one open and it just gave us like we had that That last 45 minutes to reflect on what we had done And it wasn't pretty

Do you think she was feeling the same way? I looking back Looking back I don't know but I think you know we both weren't Look I saw her after we broke up and stuff and You know for four years I made her life hell But I could tell she was a little happier. She had uh She was more secure than who she was With me there was no security blanket

I'm the type of guy that I could leave at two o'clock. I'm not go get arrested for something You won't see me for 10 years. Right. That was my life, you know But I knew at that moment That that marriage wasn't gonna work on that plane and then to add to put the What did they say were you underlined the word? To emphasize, you know to emphasize What I did We drove to the hotel. I rented the 240zx the Nissan. That's what they gave me her it's

We drove to the hotel. We checked in like I said, she was four months pregnant So this was a long day for her. She checked out. She she said I'm going to sleep I went into the other room sat there for 10 minutes. I was like fuck this and I went and I went to The shitty district of san francisco by the tenderloin And there was a bar where a friend of mine hung out that I knew from five years earlier

Four years early his name was bamboosie I went over and I picked up an eight ball from And I went back to the fucking car Into the garage at the hotel. I must have bought a 12 pack And I just drank and snorted the whole eight ball. That's Lee. It was midnight And anybody who's listening to this knows I did three that was how high my tolerance was in 1990 I did an eight ball from 12 o'clock at night to six in the morning

And I was just drinking beers pissing outside the car. There was no cameras downstairs. I must have pissed 20 times I pretty much finished the eighth ball. I must have jerked off three times in the car I got on the elevator. I went in I took my clothes off. I laid down Because I laid down and she goes, how did you sleep? She didn't even know I was gone. Fuck I told I I didn't sleep good because I sleep one more hour I took one hour sleep and then we had to get up and go to oakland to watch the fucking cruise that afternoon game My point being that

I fucking knew like on my honeymoon. That was that was my fucking honeymoon You know, I pretty much went to do a fucking eight ball. How long because you said that was your home, but how long did you stay married? I stayed mad. I mean, I got back in the honeymoon in september September whatever we got back, uh, the night We must have got back the 12th And we were separated 11 months later Wow Let me see

No, we were separated. We got separated in 91 Because the baby was born in 90 So just over a year so 18 months so we pretty much lasted The marriage lasted two years until we call me class And here's the sad thing That once we we got home and was like we got right back to our shitty fucking lives Her life she was a struggling hairdresser She was striving to get customers and shit like that

and I was just a fucking junkie trying to Find something to make money with I had no problems making money But the unhappiness of what I had done and once the baby was born I was really unhappy like I was unhappy with myself. I was on I wasn't unhappy with the child I was not on how I really loved that child with all my heart I just didn't like our home I could you could tell there was no love in that home

You know, I had never lived Well when my mom died I lived in homes You know, I lived at the benders who had a great home and there was a lot of love I lived with the runnies Who weren't as financially off as as well as the benders But there was still a lot of love in the home, you know You could tell when there's no love in a home and it's a horrible home And it's a horrible horrible feeling

To be involved in a home where there's no love You know, it's gonna bust in any day And I think with us Like when we got back we realized what we're gonna do but we kept playing out to see If this would change if like having the kid would change it something would change, you know And and I gotta be honest here. I got frustrated by life. I was listening to Ozzy's Boneyard the other day and there's a guy Billy something who interviews Ozzy every once in a while

And they were talking about jobs And how many jobs Ozzy had had and he talked about working for a butcher and this and that and this and And it's weird how He made a statement that I don't want anybody who's listening to get offended by the statement But it's a feeling you get and if you're an artist right now or There's something that you want to know. This is the feeling that'll hit you first The first thing that comes to your mind is is this it?

One morning one day when you get home And you kiss your kids and you hug them and you look at your wife and your wife tells you Uh, they don't be ready in five minutes, hon And you take off your construction boots And you take off your socks and you Stretch out your feet a little bit You take off your sweaty shirt and you look at your fucking hands At one point every man asks himself is this it

Is this as good as my life is gonna get This is it. I'm gonna work six days a week. I'm gonna have one day off And this is what I'm gonna do Every man at one point has to every human being has to I mean if you have a living fucking Anything in your mind you have to ask yourself A question is this it? I go to work five days a week I give my wife money on friday all my money for these three fucking retarded kids. I get ahead with her

She's getting fatter by the fucking day My boss sucks. My foreman's busting my balls. I'm behind on my credit card. I owe my parents $2,000, you know Just you put all the Problems of the world that you're gonna have anyway, but you ask yourself Is this it is this as good as I gonna get and two things happen from there You put your head down and you go, this is it Or you pick your head up and you go How can I make my life

More enjoyable to live When I die, I want to be on that deathbed going Jesus christ This ride was worth it I don't want to be on a deathbed going wow. I was cool I fucking was in prison for 40 of my 60 years I knew I didn't want that, you know but I know That me living with her in the situation I could speak for her also

If my ex-wife was sitting across from me, she'd tell you too. She was just as happy as I was There's nothing worse than having a home That doesn't have love in it and then being unhappy I was as unhappy as she was if bro I'm gonna tell you something right now and you motherfuckers know how I feel about Scientology I can't stand those motherfuckers when I see them with their little blue shirts and the little pens in their pockets Hollywood boulevard. I want to take the pen and stab them in the neck like john wick I was so weak at that point that the Scientologists could have got me

Wow I was so emotionally weak That that's when you join cults That's when you join Pablo's church of uh Eskibarism on the corner and some guy comes in a Cadillac And he pulls up with three hoes all of them got diamonds on meanwhile You're fucking working at mcdonald's and you're giving them half your stipend every week, you know what i'm saying? That's when those people come into your life at your weakest like I was emotionally

That weak because I didn't have an answer for my unhappiness I did not have an answer for my unhappiness I keep thinking about like your friend that you brought up at the beginning who's been married five times Like do you think like like him looking at you like he'd be like oh, I would never have gotten divorced like like he's just looking for He's looking the same thing that you're talking about but he's just doing it by marrying The first woman who talks to him listen Any education

When you Last night the boston uh two nights ago quite saturday night. Oh, I don't know Whatever the boston redsox lost to the Yankees five to one at home. I think it was saturday night Somebody on the boston redsox learned something from that loss Learned something they said okay. I'm not gonna throw the ball this way from now on Jesus, I should have thrown the ball to first Every time you lose you learn You're making me holla lately

You were making me holla the other night because Lee calls me on the way back from his gigs and he tells me his experiences and I laugh because These are the experiences that you get the other night. He was having a good setting so he said something to the waitress And that the set went kaputz, you know He said he went up to a show the other night and there was it was an outdoor show You know, this is why I say to you that you have to do this journey This journey is so important because

You live and you learn from a journey when That unhappiness I had with that woman And it wasn't listen I could sit here and tell you she made me unhappy. No, no, no, no I was unhappy with myself This is going back to frustration Because I knew I wasn't doing the right things And then I was unhappy in my marriage. My hope my home wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at all. Nothing was right

The only thing I had lingering in my mind was that stand-up shit I had that stand-up shit as an ace in the hole like maybe that could save me But it's not gonna save me Stand-up isn't gonna save me stand-up isn't gonna do anything for me Stand-up is just gonna be something I try and do for a year and then I quit like everything else I've quit my life. That's what I'm gonna do. That's the same shit. I'm gonna do all the time stand-up was just something But I was looking for so much like I just needed something to fill this fucking void in my heart Here I had a and here's the funny thing

I had a job Was I getting was I was I was I getting rich not really but I was keeping the lights on And they were paying me a lot more than I was qualified. I'll tell you that much. I'm honest enough to tell you that They were paying me a ton more than I was qualified So I took it. I did the best job. I could I worked hard and everybody else and I shut my mouth I had a car. I mean I had a home. I had a beautiful wife. I had a daughter. I don't know how long it went I didn't even touch What do you mean? Like we didn't have sex like the last year before

We separated. Wow. It was to that point Like we were just sleeping together. We were just two roommates I had a baby Lesbians have more action than we were. You know, I mean it was that uncomfortable and I saw the movie punchline and I fucking Got on stage on whatever July 18th and When I got on stage, I knew this is what I wanted to do

and through the grace of God three months later She found the fucking Because I didn't have even though I was unhappy and Frustrated I didn't have the courage of the balls to tell I want to get a divorce

I didn't tell her and the reasons were there were two reasons number one I was a loser. I couldn't imagine living through this life Without somebody to fall back on I couldn't imagine. I could not imagine. I didn't have the The self-confident. I had the confidence who the fuck am I kid? I just had fear to fall back on myself You know, it's really weird when a woman leaves a man and And she has a kid and

You know, she makes a statement and and she doesn't she fucking gets two jobs and she raises those daughters or those sons And everybody's happy and they become they get this certain freedom You know, I was fucking scared To to go pull the trigger because I had her father to lose. I had the mother to lose I would have lost my daughter. I would have lost all the security that I had Because that's what I looked at them as as fucking security I didn't look at them as You know, and don't get me wrong till today

Mr. Mr. King Ray King rest his soul He was I learned a lot from him How much of it or maybe none at all Because you you you didn't have your mom and your dad wasn't there and he said you had a great relationship with her family How much were you just like like wanting a family at that point? They fit the they filled the void for a long time. I mean I would just walk in there I could go up there without her and hang with them parents and I would I would get mad at the other brothers and sisters for not spending as much time

With their family as they could. I mean there were just a lot of uh Things that I was scared to break off the relationship You know when I came home that october 15th And she said she wanted to talk to me in the kitchen And tell me that you know, she didn't want to date me. You know, she didn't want a separation I was very sad because of my daughter, but at the same time I was very happy

because I would have never pulled the plug I mean and don't get me wrong I Wanted to do comedy I wasn't in love with her. I was in love with her, but Very we would it was just like a forceful love. It was like I was in love with her from a debt

You know, I owe her a debt. That's the only reason why I was in love with her So That was the second time in my life I did something against What I wanted to do I learned and I learned the hard Way this was not just A mistake. This was Something that stuck with me forever

You know, I was ready. Listen You have those guys like, hey man, what are we doing tonight? They're like, ah, we're gonna go over to to Johnny's place But before we go to Johnny's place We're gonna go over to pick a leasing ball because that fucking moron works there and he'll give us a few drinks for free I'm the type of guy if I don't like that moron. I'm not going over there get free drinks from

I don't care the fuck if he gives you free drinks. If you don't like them, don't hang out with You don't have to deal with them at no level. There's so many people That walker especially in hollywood. They're just your friend because It makes them look good that they don't really like you. They don't care about who you are. They don't care about your family They don't care about nothing like that. I wasn't raised if I don't like you. We don't like each other You go your way and I'll go the other way. We won't even have to fucking talk. It's it's understood but No

You know when my mother died, I loved the balsanos. I loved the balsanos. I love the garcias I loved everybody I hung out with john bender asked me to move with him. Hey I loved john like a brother, but I didn't love john enough that I wanted to hang out with him every day Do you know what i'm saying? Right? So when I moved in with him I thought he wanted me to hang out with him every day. I didn't want to hang out with nobody I had my buddies I hung out with and I did stuff with that was a big mistake me moving in with john because Yeah, three quarters to me was using him in a way

Three quarters of me was you and don't get me wrong. I love this father jimmy bender senior God rest his soul. I love his brothers. I love the sister I just John I love john like a brother. I just did not want to hang out with him And because of my behavior and whatever that added to it But that was a big mistake And the second big mistake that I made and I learned from the most Was getting married

When I wasn't head over heels because thinking about it now today 30 years later I was not head over heels. Let me tell you something. I've been with my wife now This july will be 20 years And I could look you all in the face and tell you one thing I'm not perfect But I'm in love with my wife I love my wife And I loved her before she had that kid

I when I realized how much I loved my wife I called her on the phone and proposed her while she was at work and we got married Six weeks later You know, I knew what love was from not From knowing what Not loving somebody was It took me nine years to propose to my wife Wow

nine years because one I was so Pissed off At the work at the sacrament of marriage That we I got married and I fucked it up. I'm the type of guy that once I do one thing one time That's what I fuck it up. I don't want to be involved with it no more So I got married I fucked it up And I never wanted to get married again because I didn't want to ruin somebody's time

I didn't want to fucking My wife now is a sweetheart. We're complete opposite. You guys have seen her on the previous podcast I've had her on twice if you see her and I standing together You will walk up to her and go. What are you doing with this lunatic? You don't belong with this guy We mixed and I truly was in love with her. It took me eight it took me

four years To realize I was in love with her It took me seven or eight to realize how much in love with her. I was I proposed to her And now I'm very very much in love. Do you follow me? Do not get me wrong. I'm not the perfect husband You know, like we've said before on the podcast if I see a flying blowjob Flying around the ante just comes down and bites me in the dick. I'm not gonna turn it down. I'm not I'm not the fucking poster boy

For whatever. I'm a good husband. I provide. I love it very much. I'm home with them Fucking 80% of the time my wife knows where I am Every fucking minute of the day. I mean I live in my own personal fucking prison and between meetings Uh, the kickbox in school the gym cryo the weed store here. I'm only in a couple fucking places. I don't do much But having that failure Made me a better husband today, but I gotta tell you something I didn't like that failure

That was one of the failures I didn't like I don't mind the prison thing the prison thing wasn't a failure That was a flaw in my personality and I adjusted and I never went back to prison again Those are complete different things. I consider my first marriage a failure. I got an f You ever get an f in school an f minus? That's the lowest thing you could get. You understand? I got an f minus That's why I learned that if I ever did it again I'd get an a plus And today as a husband

I don't get an a plus I got an a All right, like before I didn't take the garbage out on the way out I was supposed to take the garbage out, but I really had one hand on the duffel bag And I was carrying something else and I got something for you that I forgot to give you A box of a meal keto food. Oh nice new kettlebell food. They gave us sent this food to sample So I want to give you that but anyway back to the story that the failure I had as a husband the first time made me a

Like now I look at all the little things All the little things of of marriage that I focus on that even consider focusing on the first time If you're going to get married and you're young Just do me a big favor Do yourself a worksheet Write it out. I'm and for you women are listening. You're going off Joey's putting a fucking a fucking

What was that a snake in my coil? Somebody's putting a fucking a snag in my nail. Well, no, I'm not I'm talking to you too You don't want to marry the wrong fucking guy You don't want to marry somebody because they have money or they're good-looking or their parents own a company or You know, their mother is so sweet Look to the main purpose of this marriage and that's do you love this person? To spend the rest of your life with them and to look them in the face every fucking day

Don't say to yourself. Oh, I'll learn to love her You know, I remember when Lee first fall and moved in A couple months went by you guys were happy. I didn't say none to you And then one night I said something to you and you gave me a little like nine minute speech About the things you didn't like but you were tolerating Yeah, it's true and I told you go there and have it just tell it no more You know, we laughed about you know, what's she doing here and all that stuff with the mother

But I was being serious with you because it was such When you marry somebody get that shit out of the way early If they put their feet on your furniture, you don't like to tell them right off the bat I don't want that freedom in front, you know There were all little things that I already knew that Lee it wasn't gonna work for Lee before Lee moved her in I told Lee it wasn't gonna work for him because Lee likes his space But I'm I'm glad I did it because what if we got married without her without us living together

I I think I think it's important to like really test things out. Well, no, no, no you have to I think before you marry somebody I got no qualms at that I got no qualms at that. What if you date somebody for four years? And then you marry him and then you find that when they shit it smells like a giant in there You gotta open up every window and light matches. You gotta walk around the house Like you're looking for Frankenstein with one of those torches with no, no, no, no, no I I'm you know

But at the time you didn't need for the movement. I can just tell You you were just not going to adjust Right. I looked at you and I had seen that No offense, even though you're Jewish you've never said well to save money. I want a roommate situation Right. Most people in this town would say I want a roommate situation. You never even thought You were like if I could pay the full big I'll fucking pay it Just not to have somebody in my space that lets me know something about you That lets me know that

Your space is really fucking Important to you, you know and guess what? Why I know is because when I got married I knew how important That space was to me. Yeah, you're not ready to get married unless you could share that space Yeah It's a big adjustment. It's a big fucking space to shoot. You start getting mad. I started getting mad about the way she would put Stuff in cabinets. It's it's crazy. It's crazy. It

Marriage is a crazy thing if you've been married and you fail. Hey, you learn something out Don't get turned off by it. Don't say I'm never getting married again. It's all about the state It's just a piece of paper. Fuck that. It's not It's a lifestyle and it could be beautiful The problem is you got to put the work into it You got to put the work into it. The only difference between my marriage now You want a hundred percent difference? How listen when I first had jack one

I love that little girl anybody who knows anything about me knows. I love women how I feel about that I love that little girl Me and the mother did not see eye to eye From that kid being six months old I knew when that child was six months old. I had to figure out what I was going to do Because I didn't like the mother anymore and today Look at where I am today. So today we're out. We 30 years to the anniversary I paid for this mistake. I paid for this mistake. Dealing

This was not like making a right turn and ending off and fucking Van Nuys This was a mistake that followed me for 30 years. It was such a bad mistake. Hey, I chalk it up to experience I chalk it up to one of the things you do in life and I chalk it up to just The person who I was then 30 Fucking years ago today right now Well Monday god knows what a fuck I was I was Probably headed over to the reception

And I was such a different person Such a different person But till this day I'm paying for that mistake I would not want any of you guys to go through what I went through with this mistake So before women guys Before you think of getting married, even though you have a great time. Well, we have a great time. We went away. We went to

Pismo beach Pismo beach. Yeah, fuck you Pismo beach. I still like people. Yeah, that's right. I see how much you go now every other week Who goes on vacations by yourself? Yeah, I know. No, you might as well because every time you've gone with somebody else It's been a fucking disaster What vacation it's a beach an hour and a half away. What vacation? Pismo's an hour and a half away It's not a vacation. Nope. Don't they have an open mic in pismo? I thought they had the best pizza in pismo

He went all the way to pismo to get the worst pizza in the fucking world and sit in the room Call them up. See if they'll do an open mic since you fucker. I'm sure they would did the pizza, but Listen, man, just for today If you're not in love with something don't fucking do it And I know it's tough I know you're saying joy. What the fuck are you talking about? Listen, if you're not totally in fucking love Don't do it. And if you think you're you you've been in love you've been dating somebody And you break up and have the two weeks you're like

This isn't that bad I don't even I didn't even like her that much. I just like the way she sucked my dick or you know for women. Oh, I I just like them because his family had money and I would have been financially secure Listen financial security blow jobs Jobs houses nothing Beats happiness. I'd rather

Be unhappy I'd rather live in a shithole with somebody I love Then live in a mansion with somebody I don't want to be around Because whether you have a shack a one bedroom shack Or you have a 14 bedroom mansion The most important thing is for it to feel like a home and for it to be happy

What good is having all that shit? That's why when I see people having weddings with pigeons People dressing in white. I could call the days on that divorce Because there's too much pomp. There's too much circumstance. There's too much smoke and mirrors I want to you know This isn't about smoking mirrors a home You know when a home is right And I know a lot of you motherfuckers. I spoke on the sarah tiana I spoke to a lot of people and even lee for when your house was good. It was good. Yeah when it was a home

It was a home somewhere along the line your father straight off the reservation Your mother was unhappy. Your mother was more of a mom and your dad was john trawleton And uh, oh it sounded that lie. He was doing the disco and and shit People break up for certain fucking reasons. I don't think your dad looks at There's a mistake. You know, he had two beautiful boys from it Whatever whatever right. No, no, like there's always a you I mean there's always positives to it There's always a fucking silver. But I just from my point of view as a kid

Is like because I hear that a lot. Oh, let's stay together for the kids to me I had wished my parents got divorced 10 years before they did you could feel it. Oh, it was the word It's a lot of anxiety in the house. You can It never call it a start being bad because like there's gonna be a fight against it I get I get the thought process behind stay together for the kids But I don't yeah, I don't know. I'm happy. I didn't do it either So this day listen, I lost a child

And I failed as a father But listen when I went for it, I went for it and here we are today And I could I go to my house and we fucking laugh I could stand up at night and without being high me and my daughter and my wife are giggling And you can't put a price on that And that's what this podcast is about today. You listen if you're gonna get into a relationship a serial relationship Don't marry that person especially men. I hear it all the time from guys. I had a marry if she was a piece of ass And then two years later, you're in fucking court

And listen marry somebody because you love them marry somebody because you They make you feel complete marry somebody Because you're on a team I dated terry for three years Four years I listen I was 40 something years old I was a mediocre comic. I was a regular. I opened up for rogan

I really had nothing going on. You know, I was booking some movies And you know what man? I was taking terry for granted like we all do we all take people in our lives for granted sometimes And when I was shooting the longest yard We went from Santa Fe, New Mexico to here And I had to be at redondo college every morning at 4 45 Or 5 45. I don't know. I got there when I wanted to because the they would put tattoos on you and Shoulder pads and all that shit But I don't I still remember one particular one that I got up

And my football pants my t-shirt my socks My sneakers were all laid out on the couch and my wife today Was in the kitchen Making me breakfast and it had to be four in the morning and she had to be at work at eight, you know And I remember looking at it going This is what I've been looking for all my life. Like this is She's doing this. I don't have money. I don't have anything to offer

And she's doing this and that's when I started falling in love with my wife. Like that's when I started realizing The love was there, you know, I I Then I started working at it. I started cleaning up my act. I stopped going to certain places Just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But then the last thing came up And I realized that she was a sweet girl and I didn't want her You know, I find I knew that it wouldn't last with me doing coke. I didn't want her to I was very embarrassed about my drug used around her. I hit it from her as much as she could but

After four years five years, she knew it was out and one of the reasons why I quit coke was because I didn't want her to Find me on the fucking floor. Let me tell you something If you think I gave I did I didn't give a fuck what my ex-wife did Like if she fucking found me, I didn't give a fuck more power to her more power to if she found me dead and it ruined her life I didn't give a fuck about it. I didn't think about like that. Well, when I started thinking about my wife terry like this These are all the things that made me call her up Even though I was against marriage 150 percent. I was never gonna do it again

I was never gonna fucking do it again. I did it I did it And I did it the right way from day one And not because i'm better than you guys and not because i'm smarter than you guys But it's not because I read a book on marriage It's because I failed at a marriage And I knew what it would take

To make a marriage work So this podcast today Is dedicated to fucking marriages Before you get fucking married And get married just to have the wedding in long island and Van Halen's gonna play in your wedding and all that dumb shit Remember there's more To a marriage than the fucking wedding

There's being with that person for the rest of your fucking life The wedding is dick compared to being with that person The rest of your fucking life. So before you make that decision Keep your eyes open because you don't want it to be what I did My first marriage has wanted me Till today 30 fucking years later 30 years later and it's gonna haunt me on the 40th anniversary and on the 50th anniversary And yeah, it taught me to be a better man. But at the same time

It reminds me of the mistake that I made So By me making this mistake. I wish you guys Don't make the same mistake. And that's it motherfuckers. It's monday morning. I want you to go out there Write your fucking goals and put a knife on these motherfuckers and tell them it belongs to you. You want it back It's that fucking simple before we get the fuck out of here. Let me read you some dates I'm gonna be in Dallas friday. I think there's 13 tickets left San Antonio sold out

Chicago September 27th at the chicago theater Tickets are moving. So you better get on it. Don't contact me. Are you gonna add a second show doubt it It's a big fucking theater But when it goes it goes and then I got kansas city On the 11th and we just added a new show in denver on the 12th the second show at the paramount theater And that's all that's happening Let's read To a word from our sponsors first off

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Express vpn. Go there right now and check this out. It's gonna really help you out Put your internet privacy. You're gonna be happy. You know I know you're listening and what's tonight, baby? It's monday night football Listen, I know this weekend you fucked up. Yeah. I like the chiefs. I like the titans I like the vikings. I like the eagles, but bitch you didn't bet him So what's fucking good is it shut the fuck up? If you're not gonna bet shut I went five for five in my head Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Let me ask you something if you found 100 hours on the street

Would you pick it up or would you keep walking like a fucking mook that you are? Of course, you take the fucking money. So why do you keep picking winners and not betting with these motherfuckers? Tell me why are you a fucking pussy? You said you went five. I went five for five. Let's go That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast. It's easy and they pay when you win Let's face it Where you're betting is just as important as who you're betting on if you're trying to bet on the nfl Baseball mma whatever my bookies got it Listen, I won't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best

Do the smart thing if you're gonna bet football this season Bet with my bookie whether it's college football Pro football basketball when it comes down the corner baseball It's my bookie. Do you know you could bet on a game after kickoff? Did you know that? If by the second half it looks like your bet is gonna lose You can always take the other side if you're that kind of guy likes to bet A little and win a lot you got to try a parlay if all your picks come through You multiply your winnings and no matter who you bet

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When creating your account to claim your bonus listen my book is simple you win I'm sorry you play you win You get fucking paid and don't forget to go to my flavors world Every thursday i'll be dropping a little video with my bookie to help you make make picks Teach you how to make bets Shit like that you'll be saying uncle joey's my bookie So don't forget my mad flavors world on thursday and that's it. That's that we'll see you motherfuckers thursday morning Tip top magoo ready to fucking go. I hope you learned something today. I hope you don't make the same mistakes

I made that's why I talk about these subjects from time to time Have a great fucking week. Enjoy yourself. See you thursday morning ready to go and if not I'll see you friday night in dallas or saturday night in san antonio get ready to rock or I'll see you in chicago at the theater at the chicago theater September 27th. That's it. That's that lisa. Yeah, check this motherfucking music I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart as I

I Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet

As I sit there applauding from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you You