Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #718 - Eleanor Kerrigan

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Eleanor Kerrigan, a stand up comedian seen on Showtime and heard as the cohost of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Vincero Watches - Get yours at Vincerowatches.com/church and our listeners get 15% off and worldwide FREE shipping when you use promo code CHURCH.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble.   Dollar Shave Club - Get the ultimate starter set with everything you need for an amazing shower, shave, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth for just $5. Go to www.dollarshaveclub.com/church  

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Give it a shot. Take a chance. Columbus did. Kick this motherfucking muley. Church of what's happening now, motherfuckers, it's always family. We got Eleanor Martinez, AKA Eleanor Kerrigan, AKA Tic Tac Titties. I love it.

We got the Christ killer. One child grows up to be somebody they just got young for Joey. Another child grows up to be somebody you just love to burn it. Mom loves the bulls of them, you see it's in the blood. Both kids are good to mom. Blood's thicker than the mud. It's a family affair.

Blood is thicker than the mud, motherfuckers. Only Sly Stone could drop shit like that. It's fucking Thursday morning. How are you, Eleanor Kerrigan? I'm so good to be here. I love it. You look beautiful. It's been a while.

I got bangs instead of Botox. You feeling it? You feeling it? I wanted to get you on. I miss you. I always see, you know, we're always crossing the ships in the night. I know.

I love it. And thank you so much for sending people out to West Nayak. I greatly appreciate that. That's a great club. A lot of people walked up and they were like, we've heard you on the church. Joe Diaz did not disappoint.

And I was like, oh, that's awesome. That's a great club. And it attracts the wild side of New York still. Yeah, it's like an odd. It doesn't attract the Manhattan crowd. It attracts the Brooklyn crowd, the Stike the Peep, the Bronx, a lot of Irish from the Bronx. A lot of filth.

I love these filth. Northern Jersey. Yeah, filthy motherfuckers that get down. They hit people with bottles. I love the fucking food in Nayak, the pizza joint, and the Chinese restaurant that delivers right to the hotel with egg rolls. They got a barbecue joint that don't fuck around me

and fucking Matt Pultron. Pultron. Tore that fucking weekend up. So I'm happy it worked out for you. And it was Labor Day weekend, which is usually a New God's weekend. We did decent numbers, man. You know, it's crazy that some people just

don't want to go to a fucking other barbecue. You know, they want to go on the air conditioning and watch some comedy and laugh. Go in the mall. And especially now, so I usually don't take that weekend. Most people don't. They had a fallout. That's how I got it.

It's an uphill fucking battle. But when I heard you got it, I'm like, it's an uphill battle, but that's a good area to have an uphill battle. That's right. There's a lot of people that just go fuck it. What am I gonna do? Watch a Yankee game?

Let me go to watch some comedy. Why bother with that? What else is going on? I was just about to shit on the Yankee. No, what is the fucking thing with Bill Burr coming out? Not until January. Jesus God, no. I know, it takes forever.

How'd you feel about the shooting? Comedy Central. The shooting was phenomenal. If it comes out as good as it felt, I'll be thrilled. How did you feel? I felt great. How many minutes? I did about eight, but I think they're gonna shave it

to like six. Were you prepared? I'm not sure. Totally prepared. When I saw you, how close was that to you shooting? At the second one? I probably did so many, I don't know. I probably did it a thousand times.

Yeah, it was great. It literally felt like, if I do that joke, the bit that I used just on there, because it's like a little chunk of a piece, if I start to say it in my act, I get angry. I'm like, don't ever say that again. No, I did. That's how many times you did it.

You're like, it's the dead. It's out there, get rid of it. But I love it, and I'm glad, because it's not dirty. I mean, it's edgy, but I'm still edgy. It's just not dirty, so I can use it on every platform. Can use it, when clubs call, they're like, hey, do you have a piece? I'm like, yeah, here, oh, this is kind of dirty.

Yeah, well, all right, if you could cut that. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just can't run commercial ads, or commercial for clubs that you're coming up doing. I'm doing Harveys this weekend, and Harveys, they ran my showtime thing with Dice. They're like, we don't care, we just beep it. You know, because there's a couple curses in there.

That's what people think is dirty, which is funny to me, because I'm like. Did they think, Harveys is pretty basically a clean club? Oh no. He used to, but. Clean comedy club? Well, he saw my shit. Is that why he put me as rated R, which is hilarious?

Yes, yes. He literally, it says rated R, and I'm like. Yes. Jesus, I'm not taking my pants off, buddy. I worked at Harveys in 95 and 96. I think it was different owners, but yeah. And then in 97, Stan Hope put Harvey together. The guy, it wasn't his Harveys name,

whatever the guy's name, is it new owners? I think, yeah. Okay. That's what somebody told me. Okay, so he put him together. So what the fuck's the big deal? Do one dirty show once a year. Yeah.

Just one. Okay, you believe in clean comedy, so do I. But just one. So it was okay. So he would book either me and Stan Hope together. Yeah. And then the year I canceled, I got a movie or something, it was Stan Hope and the Crazy Kid from Seattle.

And I mean like, waitress's heads were blowing up. You know, for new years. Am I gonna get arrested? What am I like, Bruce? No, no, no, no, because it's new owners and Portland's expanded a lot. You know, Helium's down. Helium's competitive.

Somebody wrote that. Why can't you do Helium? I'm like, you call them. Helium is very competitive. You know, when Helium came into town, it, you know, Harveys was making a live. Listen, there's a couple different styles of comedy club. And once you identify with who you are

in that comedy club as a comedy club owner, you dictate the market. There's comedy clubs that they want Joe Rogan and Dave Chappelle and Lisa Lampinelli and Sebastian and Joey Diaz and they'll pay the Vic. Yeah. They'll pay the Vic, you know, they'll pay it. Jay Leno, they'll pay it.

They want the best top notch entertainer. The stand is doing it with Dice in New York in a couple weeks. And then. We're doing. Then you have clubs that I respected a lot because they made me who I am today. Yeah.

That the club owner has a rule. And the rule is, I don't give a fuck if you've been on Lena. I don't give a fuck how many Netflix specials you have. I don't give a fuck if you've been on HBO. I don't give a fuck if your mother blue, Haiti people is 1750 with no plane ticket. That's hilarious.

Most comics go, no. And then there's a handful of comics that will say, yes. Nobody knows who they are. They, they're local comics. They're phenomenal comics. Yeah. Great comics. They have a reason why they haven't expanded. Maybe they have a school teaching job.

Maybe they have a day job. Just anything. These guys will travel Thursday, Friday, Saturday, they're great comics with no credits. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. They're still, they still put the time in. They still slay.

They still did the open mic somewhere along the line. They decided that California was not in their future. New York was not in their future. They want to raise their children somewhere. They want to raise their children. And these guys become top notch comics and there's a home for them. You know, in Houston, it used to be the laugh spot.

Laugh. It used to be the last stop was the big popular one. The last stop was for the older comics. The Kippa Dot is rest in peace. The guys that had their heyday and now their show got taken off TV. And because of social media, they lost their core audience. So these clubs specialize in their phenomenal clubs.

You just work with guys that don't want nothing to do with LA or came to LA and failed miserably and they're miserable. That's a bad experience, but at least you'll go home. If that ever happens to me, I'll never act this way. Yeah. You know, but those clubs are great clubs. Yeah.

Some of the best. I'll give you the best one. I'll give you the home. And he reached out to me a couple of weeks ago. The home that had that for me was the Comic Strip and El Paso. Oh, I've heard great things about that. I featured, he had a club. When I first met him, Bart Reed had a club

on the side of the town that was popular. Okay. But he had a rule. It was $1,500 a week comics. Every once in a while, he would bend for somebody and maybe do 70, 30. Yeah. Maybe if they were a Spanish act.

Freddie Soto. He did 80, 20. But besides that, he don't want those guys. He don't want to deal with that. He didn't want to even want to open the door for that. And guess what? He would, the formula worked for 20 years. He made tons of money.

People came and they watched and they learned and they became fans of yours. And then Facebook and everything came along. But there was a dark period there in comedy. Oh my God. And once Seintel gets canceled, I don't know how to get over hold this Jerry no more. It's not like Jerry's tweeting every day.

What was he sending out pageants across the country? I'm still alive. Game of Thrones. So that's the difference that you have between then and now. You have a TV show now. You're pretty good on that show. You have a couple funny lines.

You go on the road while you're doing the show. Once that show ends, you still retain that audience through social media and Twitter. That's a difference between 20 years ago and now. I see what's his name on Twitter a lot now. Who? The dad, the one that was from the store. That's really dirty.

But he played a dad. Bob Saget. Bob Saget. The dad? And I see how he's using social media. He's great on it. Yeah, he's hilarious, but he's always been dirty. That's what people get.

Yeah. Oh, shit. He's always been hilarious, but to go back to the original idea, those rooms are the ones that, those are your bread and butter. Yeah. The improvs aren't gonna lie, you know?

There's a level of the improvs are like, you know what, nobody's brought you in here with them, you're not, you didn't go to Montreal, you didn't do nothing, and you have to accept that. You have to go, that's fine. I'll work a little hard and I'll be in there next year. So for this year, I'll do the Looney Bins and there's a thousand of those clubs.

House of Comedy is one of my favorites. All of them, they're secondary clubs. They know it, you know it. They're great clubs, they treat you better. They treat you better than the big clubs. The big clubs take you for granted. The secondary clubs treat you like a king. They pick you up on Sunday and take you to breakfast

and pick you up Saturday and they take you to your museum. Feel ya. It's, yeah. Whatever you need. It's fucking great. So it's, whatever you wanna do with this career, you could do that. People always go, I wanna do comedy,

but I don't wanna do television or film. Fine. Then don't, then you don't move out here. Yeah. Don't bother yourself. There's no reason to come out here. Yeah. If you're just gonna come out here

and do spots at the store, that might happen and might not happen. It's definitely not gonna happen. I'm gonna say this, it's not gonna happen anymore. It's so hard. I just had a friend showcase the other night for Adam and he's like, he's terrific. He's great.

Excellent. Where am I gonna put him? I got 40,000 comics calling a week. Like, we're oversaturated. Oversaturated. Everywhere, but everybody, this is my problem with that. Now everybody wants to be part of the store.

For years, we were the pieces of shit in the corner. I wasn't a stand up then, but I would have to defend it on a regular basis. And it was ridiculous. And now every one of those motherfuckers are like, oh, you know, I'm better than this guy. I should be in front of that girl. I should be there.

Go fuck yourself. You weren't in it when we were grinding and pushing that club along, keeping it up. You were coming in every night. There was nobody in the audience. Joe Rogan, every night, nobody in that fucking audience. Just you guys honed your craft there. What made that?

I heard it was the Tupac. I heard that after the Kenneson thing, the club started turning, went to the dark side. After the Kenneson died and that whole thing. That was 91 or two. Yes, so after Kenneson died. I started at 93. Okay, so the rumor, this is why.

It's my fault. You knew it. The rumor I heard was that the store got dark. It became a darker audience. So it scared away the white people. And this is the truth. No, no, no. I mean, look at now.

Listen, I'm not racist. How big of a difference is from having one show of what was it called? Fat Tuesday? Fat Tuesday. Well, yeah. So one room made money. Because that show.

It kept us open for seven years. It's scared, but the original room would be dead. Yeah. Because in the white community, everybody knew not to go to the cottage on Tuesday. No, you're absolutely right. And if there was very sad, very sad. So all those people that way that they are not racist.

I'm not racist. Look at that being out here to tell you. I would be with tables in the LR. There wouldn't be no Belly room show on Tuesday. No. No, you couldn't give a Belly room show on Tuesday. Very rarely. You're right.

I'm thinking about it. No, no. I was telling Rogan and the African-American doorman and he opened up Pajol last week. Derek. Oh, Derek Poston. Terrific. We were talking about three minutes.

Yeah. And when I met him, he invented the three minutes. You know, and all this shit. You sure? Show who you are. All this shit. Yeah. You know, how the system went and you didn't know

why you were there. And I remember tons of comics going, what the fuck? She's making me follow this guy every night. Yeah. And she had a plan. Just shutting. Shut your mouth and follow the plan. Tons of people disappeared because they didn't want

to do a plan. Yep. And I could have disappeared a thousand times, but I was like, nobody else will take me. Mitty's vision. But yeah, she would take a shot on people. She took a shot with me. She loved oddballs.

She loved edge. Fucking live factory hated me. And the improv Belly put up with me, but Richard Cooper was an Alki. And from time to time, I'd buy him a drink and he'd give me like a Tuesday, 11, 15, following David White. Well, sure, you were afraid to come to the store.

But it was the fucking Tuesday night that, you know, nobody, and I was telling Derek, I go, Derek, that's when you could see how racist LA was. So how racist everybody is though, not just LA. It didn't really like that night. And to describe to Lee, Lee, there'd be 450 African-Americans in the main room and 500 of them standing outside.

It was packed. And then they're like- Lee, when I tell you everywhere, brothers, so people would be driving from Iowa, you know, you gotta- We're here visiting LA. You're here visiting LA? They told us to come to the counties

when they pull up in a jungle boogie. And they're like, what the fuck is this? I didn't know Cool and the Gang was playing. This is the wrong place. These are the riots. And I'm talking about, Eleanor, tell them that we had those bank robbers that hung out at the store.

Oh my God. The black guys from St. Louis that used to give us money all the time as cell phones. Those black people were real black people. You get killed down there on a Tuesday night. They would make Corey Holt ship behind the bar. You think I'm fucking, you think I'm fucking gay? So like the word goes around to the audience

that like don't go down on Tuesday nights. I think so, because here's the thing, Fat Tuesday would be packed. We're so big. And then the OR there'd be like maybe eight people. And one night I had this guy and I remembered his drink. He ordered a rare coffee drink that we had on the back of the menus that nobody read.

And Mitchy named them. There were WC Fields, Lauren Hardy, and they were coffee drinks. But it's basically like a Mexican coffee and Irish coffee just named after famous comics. So this guy got a Joey Brown. And I was like, oh, Joey Brown. Yeah, you're the Joey Brown.

Cause nobody says the name. So he goes, wow, you remember my drink. And he goes, you know what? Forget the coffee. We're gonna get a bottle of champagne. There was three of us. And he goes, you know, it's really dead in here cause there was nobody in the OR.

And by the way, I was working the original room and the main room. That's how dead the OR. Like, yeah, that's just an afterthought, the original room. My main focus is the main room. So I bring him the champagne. He goes, it's really dead in here.

Is there, does it pick up? What? And I go, well, you know, everybody's next door, the main room. He goes, yeah, that sounds more exciting. Can I go there? And I go, I'm just gonna lay this out there. It's a predominantly black show.

If you're, if you're fine with that, I mean, they're hilarious. They're some of the greatest comics in the world. And the comics were always mixed. It wasn't always just black, whatever. It was all everybody. They put me up. Yeah, they put funny up is what they did.

Yeah. They took good care of me. So I brought him over and I gave him Mitzi's little booth in the main room. And he had the best time. He tipped me a thousand dollars. So Mitzi called me the next day. By the way, I made a thousand dollars,

1,037 that night. Thank you, that Tuesday. Cause if that guy didn't come in, I would have made $37. Anyway, Mitzi called me the next day and she says, Jesus Christ, what did you do for that? Cause it was on a credit card. So I had to wait to get paid by the comedy store for it.

I go, well, you know, there was nobody in the original room and I just brought him over. What else did you do to help? She didn't believe me. I go, Mitzi, I swear to God, I remember to drink. He was in, he came in like three other times. And I knew him cause he tipped heavily. And he said Joey Brown,

but he had the best time in Fatu's. He was like, thank you so much. He tipped the door girls. Cause remember God used to have the door girls. You know, I can't think of her name. Yes. Stunning. The real stunning.

Yes. Stunning. That's right. That's right. That's right. Yeah. That wings daughter. I mean, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous girls.

Bringing you to your tables or something. Yeah. So, you know, everybody would calm down, you know, this beautiful girl. One of my favorite things I saw on Fatu's day was they used to do the birthday dance. Do you remember that? Yes.

Guy Tory would do the birthday dance and they would go absolutely ballistic, right? So this guy comes up, the girls were like, yeah, God, they're in a long table in the back of the main room. And they were like, yeah, go up at your birthday. So the guy walks up. He's with his girlfriend and a bunch of other people.

He's on stage and guys got like seven other people. So they do this dance. And another girl whose birthday it was starts grinding on the guy that walked from the back and his girlfriend, I was putting drinks down on their table and she was like, oh, this bitch. And she was like, bitch, you better back up. And the girl started grinding even harder on the guy.

This bitch from the back of the main room, she never touched the floor. She got to that fucking stage. Joe, I shit you not. She went on every fucking table and beat the piss out of that girl on stage. Right during the show. Everybody was in shock.

She never touched the floor. She went on the tables from the back of the main room. Crying. I couldn't even help. I had to try a drinks and I just put it down laughing. Because what the fuck were you gonna do? I never saw anybody. I was waiting for her to just take off her weave.

But she just went all intact and right to that girl, beat the shit out of her. Guy was in shock. It was amazing. I never really saw any violence or anything bad. But it took him a minute to break it up. But it was just funny how she didn't fucking touch it. The floor.

One night I was there and I was talking to Eddie Griffin and Mitzi. Oh. And they were telling me a story about Tupac. Okay. Was in the main room. He was a frequenter. Tupac was at the store to go see Eddie.

Or to go to Fat Tuesday. Well, we used to have Monday nights too that Eddie used to run in. Every room was black on Monday nights. Every room. Right. Original room. So something happened.

That was the early 90s. And there was a shootout. Yes. And they say if you look across the street. Yeah, it was an old Western style. I was waiting tables that night. Across the street at the shuttle. What's the hotel across the street?

It's the Sky Bar Mondrian. Mondrian. And House of Blues was almost built. It wasn't built yet. They're still bullet holes. Yeah. In the wall. They were like a Western.

The shootout started. Old out Western. The shootout started in the original room. But they went out the side door. It was the main room actually. No, that's what I'm saying. It was the main room, but they went out the side door. Oh, I see.

That goes right onto the sunset. Yes. The front door. The shootout, because Mitchy and Eddie were telling me. It was insane. Eddie wasn't in the room. No. What happened was the next morning,

Mitchy called Eddie and banned him. That's the story they were telling me. And Eddie goes, what are you banning me for? Yeah, he didn't do anything. And she goes, because Tupac came in here, your friend, and got into a shootout. He goes, well, now I'm responsible for Tupac getting into a shootout.

So it was to that degree the store. Jesus. It was some games. We didn't do metal detectors. They were searching you something. We had security for searching. Because I was, at that time, at 96, I started making visits to LA and showcasing.

I go to a Laugh Factory for the Latino Laugh Festival. I came back in 96, and I still remember driving by there and seeing Richard Pryor. Yeah. Like his name was on the big circle. Yeah, remember, and he came back in 2000. That's when he came back. Like 2001.

96 or something like that. 2000, I mean, 96, he would come in sporadically. Right, he was coming sporadically. In 2001, 2002, he was doing every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday just to feel better about himself. Because he was really sick at that point. But Chui used to carry him up on stage. Like, it was kind of sad, but it was awesome.

Because he would kind of come to life, if that makes sense, while he was up on stage. And I remember watching this big black guy, Treadlocks, in the front. He was right in front of Richard. Just watch him. And Richard told in court, what be Goldberg, Chevy Chase, everybody's in there.

And this guy just starts crying, because he's realizing, this guy's gonna pat. Like, this is the end of days for the greatest comic that ever lived through that man's eyes. You know what I mean? And I was like, putting drinks down, like. Like, why am I crying? What is this, a movie?

I gotta make money. All these years, all these years, were you watching this? Unbelievable. It was comedy on your radar. Never. Never. I mean, yesterday, we were talking about podcasting

and the podcasting world, and now. You guys sucked me in, there's some vortexes, this is bullshit. And now, acting was such an, acting in schools, was such a scam. And my wife brought, I remember, when Freddie and Eleanor signed up in school, and they weren't allowed to audition for two years.

Audition for two years, yeah. Freddie quit because of it, yeah? Sherry Shepard quit because of it. Yeah, we were off the back. Bob O'shack, we were all in there. But it's really weird how you was stand up ever on your radar. No, and like, you're saying, watching the greats,

even Eddie Griffin, like, every night, when we had those Monday nights, that was the early 90s. That shootout was like, 94, 95. Because, 94 maybe, because they got rid of it right away. And that night of the shootout, we had locked everybody in the office. Mittie included, she was there.

So, we get everybody in the office, right? And I'm fresh out of South Philly, so I'm still half a hood rat. And, you know, I'm strapped, I'm a mess. Because I was thinking the riots. You know, I was dealing with, like, coming into, oh, they have riots, whatever, just pay attention, keep your head up.

So, when that shootout happened, I'm like, holy shit, it's in the place I work, my mother's gonna kill me. She told me to not do that, not come here because of this. And, like, South Philly's any better. Anyway, so, we, so, we're in the office, everybody's in, I'm making sure everybody's there. And Mittie looks at me, she's like,

go out and get me a kvassier. I'm like, what? They're shooting. She's like, just go get it. And she's shaking like a leaf. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna come back with a fucking bullet and a kvassier. Like, I'm a nervous wreck, like,

but she's looking at me, because I'm, like, the tough girl, whatever, from South Philly, but I still don't wanna be in the middle of a shootout, bitch. Like, so, I remember, like, looking under the cabinets for kvassier, because Mr. Pete locked everything. They were all, she didn't send the bartender out,

she sent me out, I'm like, bitch, I will fuck you up. But I got her little kvassier, all nervous, like, looking behind me, and I brought, oh, he ain't saying anything. What was 95 like? 90? That was Messier, Rogan. Yeah, Messier, yep, Martin was always there. Chris Rock, like, in 93,

I met Chris Rock because my first ex-fiance was his agent. Yeah, so Billy, we were friends before we started dating, but he was always at the store, and he'd be like, hey, Chris is doing a show. I remember Chris, like, pulling out a sandwich board with his picture on it to put on the sidewalks, so people would come in to the OR to see him. Oh, 93? I'm like, crazy.

Chappelle, too, he was always there. But he was underage, and he was 20, 19 or 20, something like that. Not 93, he was. That's 93, the Robin Hood Melanthites. He maybe just turned 21, because he just used to sit on the patio and smoke weed until he was loud on.

No shit. Yeah, he's only 44. Are you serious? He's 43 or 44, yeah. I'm almost positive, right? 46. Oh, look, I made him younger. So in 93, he's 20?

Yeah, he was born in August of 73. So I just, I just remember being like, I'm gonna go in, but, because the other underage people we had were Ares Spears and Jannika Berger. Do you remember Jannika? No. She was in and out, because they were both 19,

and Ares went on stage and shit on her, and she waited for him. She grew up in LA. She was a little hood rat. She was funny. And she waited for him, and when he got off, she fucking attacked him, and they had a fist fight on the back of the stairs in the original room.

It was probably the best thing I've ever seen. Again, couldn't help, because I was laughing too hard. Sorry, it's just funny when a white girl just attacks, but they were the same age. So Mitzi banned them both. And Ares would do Fat Tuesday, but he never did the OR again. Isn't that weird?

Yeah, I told Ares, and he goes, yeah, they banned me, because I'm black. I'm like, why'd they ban Jannika then? Because she's white. He goes, oh, she got banned? Like, he didn't know. All those years, he just never came back. He just assumed.

Did she ever come back? No, and Jannika's huge. She worked, she was on Shameless the past couple of years. She's an actress, she's been in a lot of shit, and she's also a producer. I always want to get her on the Comedy Store podcast, because she literally was there for maybe eight months, maybe a year, but she was a funny standup.

And she was just a young girl. Just a young girl, 19 years old. But Ares, we know him. He stayed in the comedy game, obviously, but it's just funny how Jannika, no one, you'd have to Google her to figure out who she is. Dave Chappelle, Smoke and Pearl London. That was my favorite, because he was the nicest guy.

I really liked him. Like, if he was in town, there was a few guys she loved that would come from New York that she would always automatically put on. Chappelle was one, Jeff Ross was one. It's hell she liked. Burr, she didn't. It took her a long time to like Burr,

which is weird to me, because I'd be like, this guy's great. Like, you know what I mean? Like, she would do that. But I think the darkness started because her health was declining. And she wasn't as involved. The Monday nights went away,

Fat Tuesday started up, and that was one night a week. But we were still not getting anything on Fridays and Saturdays. Remember the main room was only open on Saturdays? When I first started, there was two shows in the main room, Friday, Saturday. In the OR, there was three shows. We used to do a seven, a 10, and a 12, always.

Every night? A Friday and Saturday. Okay. So we used to have to change our shirts in the middle of shifts. Like, very first start at 93. But then that went all the way down to one. Then it went down to, and Terri'll tell you that was like,

because when she came, it was really bad, unfortunately. We would have, we used to have like three girls in the original room, waiting tables. And then sometimes with prior, we would have four. But Mitzi only liked three of us. Like, she only trusted three of us, so she got rid of the fourth one. But, you know, it was just too clustered.

But then it went down to two. And then it went down to one. One person waiting in a whole room, waiting tables. That's how slow it was. So it was, you know, and we had some great nights, some bad nights. We had, like Rogan always says, nobody was in there. And I'm like, he's right, to an extent,

as from a comics point of view. But as a waitress, I would have been homeless. Like, I was making money. It was my only job in LA for 12 years. You know, we would talk that night. So I paid rent, you know. That night we also spoke about the change. Yeah, but I think you guys are the change,

I gotta be honest. No, no, Adam taking, getting rid of Tommy, Adam taking over, making those calls on like spade and, you know, getting a little bit more of a comedy element versus this development thing that Mitzi used to do. And she would just pass people and forget and just keep putting them on the lineup because obviously her health was declining

and she wasn't fully aware of what she was doing. And the lineups, we joke about how she, we would hand it into her. Like the comics would call in and she wouldn't get past the A's. So the lineups would be on MetaMed, Aaron Cater, like she would just go down the first thing. Like she wouldn't flip through alphabetically

all the comics. So we were like, shit, we have to write it different. You know what I mean? Like it happened a lot. That the town coordinators Duncan went, he was like, I gotta get out of here. This is crazy. So he quit and then, you know, we got,

Tommy got moved up and Tommy figured out how like just putting his favorites in front of her or whatever and then getting rid of what he didn't like. So it was his fucked up power. Then once they got rid of him, Adam taking over and putting on, you know, solid, hard-hitting comics and Eric Anderson also, he's the vice president of the comedy store, which hasn't been a title

since Mike Becker when it was really run in the 80s and not early 90s, you know? So Eric Anderson coming in really also cleaned some shit up. And then you guys with the podcast, I gotta be honest, Joe Rogan, Joe Diaz, you guys, Mark Marin, Greg Fitzsimmons, and then just people hitting, you know? We had the Chelsea Peretti's, Leslie Jones,

you know, all those great comics that were just kind of like not being recognized. The Leah Sebastian, all grown, all grown Whitney, Eliza, Fortune, Feemster, like seriously. All grown comics at the store that. And they were there through the shit. Through the shit. Yeah, Leslie was really there through the shit.

Monday nights was a show when I first started. Yeah. And it was dead on Monday nights. Cause we had open mic on Sundays. First Monday I ever walked in there, there was six people in the audience, Don Barris was on stage, Eddie Griffin was there with Tumak, the black guy from the show,

Gunna Harlem, that movie, the karate movie. I can't think about Eddie Griffin. I have so many great memories with him. And I was so impressed by seeing Eddie Griffin. He would date Eric Abadou for a while. Yeah, cause I loved him. And at that time it was Mondays with men's and most. Yeah.

Tuesdays, the original room was dead. I think I got three spots at Fat Tuesday. And the last time I bombed really hard and they were like that. They were a tough audience. They were a tough audience. And then Wednesday you had the original room. Wednesdays was 30 people.

Thursdays, Thursdays, Thursdays was 60 to 80. Fridays was good and Saturdays was good. And then Sundays was the open mic and they were, they were family night. It was like going home to eat spaghetti on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The shows, there wasn't a big audience, but you got to see everybody.

You got to see people who didn't get spots during the week. Yeah, Sunday was always open mic. I was sharpening up a little bit. So it was kind of a weird night, but I always enjoyed it because the stars weren't there. Yeah, it was fun. So it was our night. Yeah.

You know, one, I knew- Certain comics just throw in heat, you know. But what happened was, what happened was, oh yeah, you got to go up there and throw heat. What happened was- A lot of delusionals come out on the potluck night. Potluck night, you had the crazy guy. Yeah, that's my favorite.

You had the crazy guys that Mitzi didn't really want around. She passed them, but they don't get spots. They stunk and she decided, I don't want them around, but she didn't have the balls to say. Sure. So they would come up every night and get cocktails, there were 20 of them. There was one guy in particular, Michael something.

He cried the blues every night. I know exactly who you're talking about. Michael Pace or something like that, something. When I was there- I know his name, I just don't want to say it because he's still full force. What's the blonde bartender? What's the bartender from Boston?

The manager from Boston that was really small and cute. She's on Facebook now. She was the manager and she was such a sweet girl. Oh, yes. Janet. Janet. Janet. Janet Sao Bo.

Yes. Everybody would attack her. And she was so little and frail. All those guys that weren't getting spots. And she would just be like- Would torment her like, can you talk to Mitzi for us? So then I got the job of hosting on Sundays. And at first I felt compassion for them.

But after a few months I realized why they were getting spots. Because they were paying the fucking asses. And at that point I would look at them and go, they would come to me and complain to me about Mitzi's not giving me spots. I don't know what to do. Why are you getting spots? And I would have to fucking talk them off the ledge.

I'd just listen. It's awful. If you're not getting fucking spots. Go somewhere else. Go somewhere else. But it's that we don't want to go nowhere. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Yeah.

It's the same. So they got so annoying. It was like eight of them that were there. And they get there on Sunday at eight in the morning and sign up. So they knew they were going to be number one until I got there. So I would call down there at five

and I'd go, read me the list. And they'd read me the list and I'd go, that's not happening. Is Mitzi going to be down there tonight? Yes, she is. That's not going to happen. And I get on the phone. I call Andrew. Andrew, are you busy?

Yeah, what's up? How would you like to do an hour tonight? What are you talking about? Come down to the store. I'll put you up at 10 o'clock sharp. You could do a fucking hour. Really? And here we go.

I'll be there. And I would automate them. Yeah. Mooney, Eddie, show. So I would look at their schedules and I would see when they were home on Sundays. And I'd call them at five. What are you doing tonight?

Come bump these motherfuckers. Come down to the store. Do me a favor. Come at 10. Eddie, do the joke about the flying the tree with Ben Franklin and Benton cocaine. But do it at the two hour mark. So I would basically go up there.

I would get my shit off. I would get my tent off in front of Mitzi. Get your $25. Oh, I'd get my tent off in front of Mitzi. And kill the cover of my next week's earnings. Because you had to cover. I had to make sure I got spots next week. That's right.

I had to get spots next week. So I got to blow up this fucking room. So I would go up there, blow it up for eight minutes, and then Brigetti Griffin and all those four guys would just be in the back, heartbroken. And they would come up to me and say, how long do you think he's going to do? And I tell them, 10 minutes.

Sit around. And I'd go outside. And at the one hour mark, they would start to break. And I would always have a backup. Somebody would hang, though. Oh, they would hang. But then the thing would switch again. And I'd blame it on Mitzi.

Yeah, always blame it on Mitzi. So I'd get the list, go inside. And just start scratching names, putting this guy for number 89. Because I knew Mitzi didn't want to see him. I moved this guy to 78. Do you think there's a group of like 10 guys who just hate you from the store?

No. I could have been something. There's about 50 of them that hate me. No, they couldn't. If you didn't get the hint, I was trying to help you. By not hurting your feelings. I was trying to tell you that, listen, she just did the list.

Because when she walked in, she would look at that list and look at it and go, oh, man. Yeah, yeah. And she wouldn't say nothing. So that, like if Sergio Love was first, she would have a heart attack. She didn't want Sergio Love up first. You know what I'm saying?

There was just certain motherfuckers. She didn't want up first. Me lucky jobs, chicken, chicken. I love Sergio. Me too. I love Sergio. I'm just telling you the truth, guys. Because it was her thing.

She did not want Sergio going up first, jumping up and down. She did not want. Motherfucker, come from Calcutta. Yeah, motherfucker, come from Calcutta. Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. Yeah. It was fucking him and Lopez.

What was him and Sanchez at the war? Oh, yes. They were both doing the same thing. No parking in my parking and the whole fucking deal. How hilarious. This was going on for months. People killing each other at the parking lot. And you're just trying to regulate the thing

so you don't get fired. You're like, I don't get it. Go in the parking lot and kill each other. Those eight guys, there was. I felt bad for them. There were great comics, but there was time to move on from the store. One thing I appreciated about Adam.

I was there the night when the guy that played the Vi- What was the guy that played the harmonica? Charlie Fleischer. I was there the night he threw about. And I heard the conversation. And my heart felt in my knees. Hallelujah. And I went home and I wasn't upset.

I just thought about, I had said a prayer for him and I thought about when that would be my day. When the talent coordinator would come up to me and say, Joey, you're not relevant no more. Do you pray, cause I do, that I know before they come up to you? Like I pray that I recognize. Yes, I will.

My down. I will, because I'm the type of guy I will. I'm critical of everything. Same. I vote, my main line is I'd rather walk out on my feet than crawl out on my knees. Exactly. When the Tommy situation, when that went down,

I knew two things were gonna happen. There was gonna be two things that were gonna happen from the Tommy situation. No. And remember that the Tommy situation was a coked out Joe Diaz. And a coked out Joe Diaz with 26 years of cocaine under his belt, where his fucking thinking

wasn't that sharp, only one thing. I'm gonna go down there one night and I'm gonna take two of those motherfuckers. And I'm gonna grab one by this side of the head and the other one on the other side. And I'm gonna bang their heads together till one of them dies. Jesus.

I knew this was really gonna happen. That's how he felt, yeah. They were on my territory. I'm not a gang member, I don't belong to the mafia, I don't belong to anything. I'm a comic and I'm a comedy store comic. And they were causing problem on my turf. You're a red and black.

And at that time I wasn't healthy enough mentally to take on that war. I wasn't ready comically to take on that war. I just wasn't prepared. I was too much of a drug addict. They came up to me pretty much. Both of those jerk ops came up to me and told me to my face.

They're like, when Joe Rogan ends the man of whatever tour, the real men of comedy tour. Oh yeah, yeah. 45 minutes is gonna stop up here. Him doing 45 is gonna stop. And the other jerk off with the hat on was next to him like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is that one?

It's Caperulo. Who the fuck is it? Oh, I forgot about him. I'm sorry, you're right. I'm sorry, you're right. What the fuck is gonna go down? You're out, yes. And I looked at him and I go, okay.

And I went home that night. And I did not understand till I got home that night that there was a declaration of war, what they were doing. Absolutely, and that's what they declared. And I almost got in the car and went back there. Because Tommy had no right to do that. And he's listening to Caperulo and that's bullshit.

Both of them were sucking each other's dick and they fucking, and there was like four or five. John's feminine. I could see the thing building. I could see where it was going, even though I was coked out, even though my judgment was not on. I could tell that at one point, I saw two things.

The first one was the night that Paulie threw Joe out because of the Tommy's store show on a Friday night. When I thought, I turned my back so I wouldn't have to lie for the life of the test. That's how slick I am, because I thought Joe was definitely gonna hit Paulie and the other guy. He's growing weed now.

His mother still comes to the store, he's a really sweet Dean. I thought, I thought him and- Joe, you can't come here and do that. I thought him and Dean were gonna go down. And then I attacked Dean. One of my cocaine rages, I went down. He's not gonna feel anything anyway.

No, no, Dean's a great guy. No, we love Dean, we tease him all the time. Dean's a great guy. In fact, he sent me weed, he's growing an Afghanistan seed. Dean's a great guy, he's just sucked into that world. So one night he came up to me and I went after Dean very unprofessionally

in one of my drug hazes. And I'll never forget that I went off on him, I said a bunch of things. And I looked, I caught myself. It was a cocaine haze the night before. Yeah. I was frustrated. I wasn't getting nowhere,

I was sick and tired of doing coke. And poor Steve Byrne was standing right there. No. So when I finished yelling, he was just a young kid. And I looked at Steve Byrne and he's such a sweetheart of a man. He could tell what I was going through. He's quite the nicest guy.

And I still remember what I uttered. What? I go and I looked at him and I go, you don't fucking get it. That when fucking Mitchie dies, this place is done. We're gonna be filled up with assholes like that. That's what my cocaine mind was. Well, you weren't wrong if they didn't fix it.

And I remember I got in my car and left it. I said, my day's down there a number. Once I got into it with him and then I got into it with the other. And I didn't get into it with the other guys. They came and gave me like a slight threat. Yeah. I had a package in my pocket.

I was just happy I was getting a spot. See, in those days, Tommy was giving me 12, 45 spots. Yeah. But once Rogan started getting pulled, Rogan said, no, I want Joey in front of me. Yeah. And that really pissed people off. Yeah.

That really, you know, and listen, people had the right to get pissed off. Trust me when I'm telling you, the store at that time was a ship being run by four or five guys that thought they could do whatever they wanted. Eddie, Paulie, Andrew, Rogan. It was like five guys

that were getting a little bit off course. That we were forgotten why we're here for anyway. Right. This is 15 minutes. We're a family. Nobody's here to do better than anybody. Exactly. A couple of, you know,

it's trying to get that people come in and do 80 minutes and do four hours. And that's disrespect. There was comics that quit because of that. Like Nancy Pimento, the girl who created Shameless. She was a great comic. She was also the first writer, female writer on South Park with Tray Parker

and those guys. Where was Nancy Pimento? She created Shameless. Like she's the head writer of Shameless. I don't know if she created it, but she's one of the head writers on that show, Shameless. Forgot about me completely. One of my favorite people on the planet.

I've had her on my, I'm trying to get her on the store podcast, but she's great. Caroline was so tight. How great is she? Open micers. But she quit because Mooney, every time she had a showcase,

Mooney would come in and bump her. So they would not stay to see her. And then she sold her movie, Sweetest Thing. Right, she sold it, right. She's brilliant. She's still around. She just doesn't do a stand-up. She's, you know, wealthy.

Yeah. I mean, like in a good way though, she channels it a different way. She writes, you know? And she's, I think she just sold another show cause Shameless is ending. Shameless is a great show. She's been writing on that since the beginning.

Too concocted for me. I love it. Crazy white dude, the black dude, the chick with the hair. Too pre-meditated for me. You know what I'm saying? Everybody's got the hairdo. William H. Macy's character is the best character

I've ever seen on television. That's great. Better than Tony Soprano, not really. No, but an alcoholic white guy who's too smart for, I love it. Leave me the fuck alone. Oh, I love it. It's just a different way.

Fuck came with his cunt wife. She's trying to fuck him. Get that kid into school. Oh yeah, that's fucked up. She's gone for a month. If I was that judge, I'd give her six months. I would too. I agree with you.

I would be surprised if she walks out there with six months. If she get, she should get six months. But something very interesting happened yesterday or the day before that nobody caught on. They're sweeping it under the carpet. What happened to just letting your kids fucking figure it out? It's bullshit, man.

Something very interesting happened. What? Lin Swan retired as the head athletic director of USC. That's not good. That's not good. Did you hear this new bitch's defense? That she not only gave money to them, but she also gave money to USC's department

and she thought she was building a building. I believe it. And all of a sudden out of nowhere. Because Lin Swan has never done a thing that's been negative. He quit as the head athletic director of USC. That sounds like some Sam Tripoli shit right there. They didn't put it on the front page. Right, they buried it.

They put it all the way to the bottom. I didn't know it. Look at what happened yesterday, guys. Nobody remembers. Anybody remember a guy by the name of Todd Morinovich? Todd Morinovich was a quarterback who played for maybe UFC, or Stanford or one of those.

I may be wrong. And Todd Morinovich was a white kid. That sounds familiar. Oh, yeah. Tremendous quarterback. Not the best, but... Did he go to the NFL? Let me tell you the story.

Oh, wow. Let me tell you the story, tic-tac titties. Tic-tac titties. Todd Morinovich's father has become a really good trainer right now and he's helping MMA people. I know he was about 10 years ago. Eight years ago. Yeah, I know his name, I know.

Um... He was an alignment, that says, at the beginning? Offensive alignment? A quarterback or alignment? Well, no, hold on. He's a former quarterback for the NFL and the CFL, like Canadian football league. CFL, yeah.

Okay. He played for the LA Raiders. Okay. Yeah. What college? What college? If he came from the CFL. USC.

Listen, he played for UFC and he was touted to go high. You ready? Ready. Pay attention. And one day, one day he was writing his bicycle on Venice Beach or somewhere in this area. People could correct me. I'm just trying to state a story.

Yeah. And he got mysteriously pulled over by the cops and they found the grandma coconut sock. So, the word on the street was that the Raiders planted it so he could go lower in the draft and they could draft. Because that was how Davis was playing them up. Damn, yeah, yeah.

How Davis was a gangster. So look what happens yesterday. Everybody's jumping up and down. Antonio Brown. Yeah, yeah. And now that came out. That's crazy. And all of a sudden.

Like they didn't know that. Like nobody knew. The Raiders had that ace in there. Of course. Apps of fucking Lutley. They had that ace in there. Absolutely. They waited.

Oh, he signed. Look at him flying like a bird. Oh yeah, wait till he signs the contract. And we dropped that in New England. They played. This is the way the game is played. Listen, NFL has. I said that at you.

Fuck New England. NFL has. NFL has their own center security people and liaison. Of course. Fuck Philly. A lot of people don't know they have their own liaisons. Yeah. And they do like this weekend and not on to rush.

Ballers. Oh, ballers. So with the high security, well, not this year because they got that fucking. I haven't watched. I haven't watched. Yeah, yeah. It ain't great.

It's just an OK show. Sounding like we fucking white people now in Hollywood. It's great. No, it's not. I was into it. I just. You watch it from 7.30 to 8. You go, OK, now I can watch 60 minutes

and not feel like a piece of shit. Other than the Sopranos. What's your favorite show? Because Sopranos, to me, broke them all. Like that's the greatest. The wire. To me, to me, it goes as ordered. The greatest comedy of all time is The Honeymooners.

A comedy 101 where the funny guy and the guy next to him are just playing off each other. Perfect. Yeah. Second tight comes the odd couple. I love all that shit. Oh, yeah. I do not like Siamese Night Live.

I don't give a fuck who to cast. I'm with you on that. I didn't like it. I always thought it was two-pop culture and two-played-out. That's all just sucking each other off. It's just like Benny Hill, I think, was brilliant. Benny Hill. I could cry.

OK. But were they, you know, for a guy like me, would change my life? Ricky Ricardo, I put it down yesterday on All Things Cuban. Sure. If it wasn't for Desi Arnaz, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't. I put it just like this, the Cuban expression.

You are going to mess up your little team ballad. See. And Desi Arnaz let it be known that you could do whatever the fuck you want in 1950. He's brilliant. It took CB. I already was married to Lucy for 10 years. Yes.

Or CBS would even consider him putting them on. Like, he fought barriers. He fucking created the cameras. He created. They fucking three cameras. Well, all these motherfuckers stand in slabs. Fuckin' pluses, man. And all these acting coaches.

Let's write a book. Goodbye. Boom. Welcome back, guys, over there. Why is that guy standing there? Why don't we see him? Give him a camera. A Cuban had to fucking put that together.

And then he on the studio. He's the only on the tape. Only a Cuban wants to watch every angle. He did fucking. He covered the spread from A to Z. I don't know how we got on the topic of it. Why don't we do a reboot of Lucy? But what I really, I don't know if you guys are married.

I didn't watch TV for a long fucking time. Yeah. Once you get into comedy, there's no TV. Sure. Well, yeah, I was working nights. When I got into comedy in 91, that was the end. The baseball, football. I still watch sports, but I didn't get into shows

until Sopranos. Once I got into comedy, then I was in Cleveland doing the weekend, coked up. I don't know what the fuck. I was working the Cleveland improv. OK. And I went back to the room. I got some coke.

I went back to the, it wasn't a hotel room. It was a condo across the street from the haven of debt. The bar had everything. Everyone was sugar in the pills, Puerto Rican hookers. Was Miss Sugar in the pills? Happy pills. Happy pills, you know. So I fucking went back up and I caught like episode three

of the Sopranos and I was pissed. I was when I saw that on my, that's the show they're talking about, I tell you why I was pissed. Because you weren't on it? No. Oh, no, I was in New York. I went to my buddy's. I had a spot from the lab.

Remember the old days? Well, no, because you weren't doing comedy. In the old days, the lab factory made tapes. So I made a tape on that night. But the problem with the tape was the quality was good, but the volume was low. So you had to go get. So I figured out a guy on, what's that?

Post office and sunset. You make the, Wilcox? Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. That he could take the volume and raise it up. So I finally got this great tape together. It was like a fucking 18 minute tape. How hard is it to get an 18 minute tape? I got the tape.

I got the tape. I took it to New York. I made duplicates. I called my manager at the time, Ken Phillips, that morning. And I go, what are you up there doing? He goes, all right, you have a couple of jobs. Go drop a tape off at this place. Go drop a tape of global entertainment,

global at that time, both governors. They booked like six or seven clubs. And they also had the other Jimmy. Yeah, they also had an agency who sent you out to for auditions. They had a bunch of people. So I went to global and dropped off a tape. That was the, that's why I totally,

that's why I made one of those lean mistakes. I was in Jersey and I agreed to a guest spot at the seven o'clock show on Long Island. Oh boy. Oh boy. And it was. I would have done the same thing. But yeah.

It was deep in the jungle. And I barely made it. And I got dyed up by, you know, cause now you're there. I made it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, you're next. Well, guess what's going to happen? I went all the way three hours to die a slow death.

And when I got off. For five minutes. And it's so crazy because you go to the get work. We're so fucking nuts. And when you get off, you don't even bother asking the people. Yeah. I already know the result.

I'm not going to waste your time. I already know I ate a bag of dicks. Thank you. You don't pay for guests, but don't worry. Thanks. Oh my God. And I remember I went. Walk home.

I dropped the tape at every place. And he also told me, he goes, write this address down. Drop your tape off. There's this new show in Sopranos and then looking for guys like you. And I dropped the three tapes off and I got lazy. And I said, I don't want to go in for a song,

show about singing. And I never wanted to drop them off. Can you believe that? I never wanted to. The only reason I'm laughing is because Wills told Sebastian that he was in a spinoff of the Sopranos called the baritones. How sad was that?

Sebastian went home and told his family that he knows a guy who's going to be on the spinoff. Oh, he did. Yes, he did. He told it. You can listen to it on the Comedy Store podcast because he told that story. We, me and Rick were dying.

He was so excited because Wills told him he would get them on. The baritones. If you've noticed. Amazing. If you've noticed, one good thing happened about the success of Sebastian. I love the success of Sebastian.

You know what the success of Sebastian did for us? What? We didn't have to put up with no more knucklehead Italians. Because for 10 years, we had a string of knucklehead Italians in this town. Yeah. So you didn't go to auditions.

No. I went though. But they would audition for Mitzi. Well, not the ones. Oh yeah, you got all those knuckleheads. But when I had it from two directions in the acting world, I would walk in and be Frank Stallone.

Oh, OK. That's the first moral I had to put up with. OK. I love Frank. And people talking to Frank. There's nothing to talk to Frank about. In fact, you're not a watch the Rocky movie and it was him singing at the end.

He got an Oscar for that. God awful. For what song? That's a great song. Not that one. The other one that he did. Oh, the Bee Gees. Oh.

Not the fucking Bee Gees. I'm sorry. It's one movie. Oh, Rocky. I know it was the end of Rambo. I was going to say when you're a soldier. I know my shit. I know my Stallone.

That's my pseudo brother-in-law. This is God awful. Poor Frank Stallone. Whoever told him he had anything. He's good. No, he's not. I have a tape. I'll send it to you.

Please, leave me alone. Leave me alone. Before the podcast started, Joey, you were just saying how like all it is is sticking it out. Like you said, Greg Garcia was an extra on a TV show 20 something years ago. Oh, Jeff, I mean, Andy.

No, Greg Garcia just posted today. Greg Garcia. The director of fucking 20 shows. If you don't know who Greg Garcia is, you should be ashamed of yourself. It's I'm mixing it. 23 years ago, he was an extra on 90210. Oh, yes.

So 90210? Yeah, so now today he's he has three shows and syndication. My name is Earl fucking. Yes. The show with the gay guy that was trying to be straight. And the other one that he did for Fox. He's got three shows.

Yes, I know exactly who you're talking about now. So like the reason I'm breaking it up is. I went to a comedy world by accident. Oh, okay. Like I went to an open mic two nights ago with Agassino and we were joking because right when we were sitting there, a guy went up with a chicken costume on. The joke did his entire thing about being a chicken.

He's like, okay, I had to go and make sense. Sit through the chicken guy. Like how many guys will stick through it in and be like the crazy people? Be like the Frank Stallone. Like how many people will wait it out? Well, Frank Stallone had a brother. Why he might be bad example.

But he also got an Oscar for a song. So he's not like he didn't do anything. But are there some crazy people who just stick it out and just remain crazy and don't get anywhere? Oh, hell yeah. Like just 30 years of craziness. Every Monday night at the comedy show. One day, Lana Turner.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say, Robert, well, you're my provider. But yeah, go there. Lana Turner. Lana Turner, as sad as it sounds. I love Ralph. He did that. He was my brother, Lana Turner.

Yeah, she's, I've done some showcases with her. Somebody told me two nights ago that they saw her and that she should have taken my advice to sell both houses and move to Florida, close to her family and go on the cruise ships. And she was really fine. Yeah, she's good cruise ship. She's perfect for the cruise ship.

They have rated our shows and family shows. And that would have saved her a lot of time and aggravation because at one point, I mean. Again. Listen, nobody wants to give up. Right. But I'm gonna be honest. How hard would it be?

2009, I married Terry. I was off the blow and I started thinking about it. And I got a call from the funny bone. Some lady who worked there and she goes, they really wanna book to you. We feel that because you open for Joe, that you have this underlying following that's about to burst.

I didn't feel it. They gave me a number and I said, I'll do that if I don't have to work Sundays. And they said, you have to work Sundays. And I said, I don't wanna do it. I lived up the corner. Good for you. And I said, I'm gonna get a job selling cars over here.

I wasn't doing spots at the store, but I was still doing spots at flappers. Yeah. This was during the Rogan. 2010, I would open up for Rogan. Rogan had two weeks of work for me that were easy. Rogan does it easy. There's no drama.

There's no getting on the plane. The best. There's no tour bus. There's no stupidity. Just straight up gangsta company. Same as Dice. And I was pretty content. I knew my standing.

I knew I wasn't one of the boys in the circle. There was never gonna be a picture of me at the improv. There was never gonna be. I'm with you on that. I'm never gonna be on a Comedy Central show. There's things that you accept. I'm never gonna be on Fallon. I'm never gonna be on Letterman.

Sure. I'm never gonna be on this. And you have to accept them. When I got into comedy this fifth year, I heard all the rumors about television and what you needed. And at that time, at the five year mark, I already knew I didn't wanna do Letterman.

Yeah. I had too many books on Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor and Renegades that we don't adjust to rules. So, you know what? I don't adjust to rules in modern day. I'm not gonna definitely adjust to them in comedy. Not for him, yeah. So, I knew right off the bat.

I had, you have to be that honest with yourself and know what's going through and what's not gonna work for you. And then comes the main word in your life, which is called adapt. You adapt to whatever they put in front of you. Mick Jagger said it best. You don't get what you want,

what you get, what you get, what you need. If you really put it onto the universe, listen Lord, I just need 2200 a month to take care of my wife and to keep me and a couple hot dogs, like a smoke pot. And all I need to do is that, I don't wanna be a star,

I don't wanna be Kevin All right. It could be done. You could work for that goal. There's tons of comedy clubs that, there's always a career in comedy. Don't tell me there is, Nancy Pimento. Nancy Pimento. You know where I met Nancy Pimento?

Punchline, Punchline, San Francisco. Really? 1996, drove down from Seattle, 11 hours to do a guest set. You know, at the 11, I was doing comedy. 11 hours to do a guest set. Eight years to do a guest set in San Francisco. Sleeping on the fucking car

and I went right back to Seattle. You know? That's hilarious. And I met Nancy Pimento. I met, oh my God. There's probably four people that I'm still friends on from that particular open mic. And then I saw Nancy Pimento at the improv.

And she was part of the fun group. We call her the fun bunch. Doug Benson. Oh, that one. Rich Boss's wife. That's somebody different. Abonnie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a whole different segment. That whole crew hung out together. And I didn't see it no more. You know what was out that time? The chick that ate goat cheese with the omelettes that came on the show. I hope so. What's her name?

I don't know. She used to be on the fucking Chelsea Handler show. She's the fashion Hollywood chick. Heather. Heather McDonald was part of that group. She never was a store girl, but I know her. No, no, no, no, no. She was an improv girl.

She was an improv girl. So was Pimento. Right, but they used to do. Yeah, they were all an improv girl. Pimento was a store girl. Mitzi passed. But she would hang out at the store with the nice white people.

Trust me. She was good with the group. She was in a little click of guys. Right. That would go in the right direction. Yeah, they were going. That's why she ended up writing that script. Yeah.

But I know Nancy Pimento from 96. That's amazing. At the San Francisco Punchline, we were auditioning for the San Francisco Comedy Competition. Oh, OK. So you went not just for a guest spot. You went it was a big audition. No, there's no fucking guest spots in those days.

Well, you said I 11 hours for a guest spot. I go oh shit. Yeah, but you're right. An audition is a spot. It's a spot. A spot is a spot. You're not getting paid. You're not getting paid.

Yeah. That's it. You're not getting paid. But the gas is yours. The hotel is yours. Everything is yours. The food is yours. Yeah.

The whole package is yours. Welcome to the real world. There ain't nothing. The Bluebird happened the same day. That still exists. That's still you have. You have no choice. York to do basically an audition.

You have no choice. With Lana. Yeah. For Jenny McCarthy. I think she didn't like me. I'm going to go with she didn't like me. I had a great set, by the way. I was shitting on.

There's some people that kept saying the word. I'm not trying to be a mean person. I know my limitations. Listen, Netflix is never going to give me a special. You see the tears on my eyes. None. Why would they not give you a special? Your degenerates think it propelled a whole another.

They're doing another one. But it wasn't me. They're the only one they're doing. Yes, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. All of you. Jay, you. Yes.

They didn't even. Liza. I don't. They didn't even stand behind or nothing. It didn't really matter. But that's one of my pointers. You have to accept the little things in your career and they make you stronger.

Yeah. That's it. You're not going to be invited to everything. You're not going to be one of the boys. You're not going to be invited to the, oh, you know. Yeah, that's how Dice says. You know how bad I want to go to Montreal? As bad as I want 10 guys to rape me in the bathroom.

OK. I knew that in 1999. I was that smart to know that. Nice. Yeah, I agree. I don't believe I fit in festivals. I got to get on a plane in LA with these same morons, with these same jack-offs.

I see four nights a week and go to Montreal to now see them in their element and a bar with their fight, their fake suits on, and all the bullshit. I'd rather not go. It would be the last place I'd want to go. The last. I'm way beyond that. It's like one of those things that sometimes got,

like I tell my wife, something happened in my house last week. My wife wanted to be involved in the school thing, you know. And she wanted to run for something. Now me, I kept my mouth shut. I don't have to fear her affairs like that. But I know my wife. I know Tyree. I know that I have a little bit of money put away.

I put away every month. Sometimes I go on the road and they say to me, do you want your travel money? And I go give it to me in cash. Yeah. I take that cash and I put it in a bank account that nobody knows about. Smart.

Because I know. Well, now they know. But yeah. I know that one day I'm going to hear the door slam. And I'm going to hear stomping how she stomps when she's bad. And she's going to come up to me and she's going to say, we're going to pull her out of that fucking school. I hate those fucking snowflakes.

I feel it coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fact that it was really weak is I had to go to Dean Delray's house. Yeah. And on the way back, I drove past Immaculate Heart on Sunset, which goes up the AFI. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have a Jewish friend who sends his daughter there.

He's like. It's a great school. He's like, they're progressive Catholics. They get the girls in order. They don't have to wear uniforms. Very progressive. And I already said, you know what? That's $35,000 a year.

I'm going to have to suck 10 dicks to make $35,000. But I already feel. Yeah. I already let her know. I go, if you don't know this, then you don't know you. I've been with you for 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any day now.

Any day. What's that song? But I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Any dynamic. Won't be wrong. I won't be afraid. Any day now.

She's going to walk into the door and I'm going to hear stomping. And I'm going to hear Mercy saying, mommy, but no. Mommy, but I want to stay there. And she's going to come in because that already happened last year. She went to pick her up one day. And they couldn't find Mercy and Peak. And the principal was like, well, and Terry went.

I told her to get out of my face and went whenever we got the kid. And then on the way out, the principal was like, Mrs. Diaz, we want to explain to you. And she's like, I told you to get out of my face. I just told her to get out of my face. So I already know my wife. Yeah. She's going to come in.

You know where it's headed. Yeah. This is just a few weeks. Tonight, we're going to a PTA day. I'm dead. Tonight, I got to bring your three Cuban cameras and film from every angle. I got to take her to self-defense class at four.

And then we're going to the house. Get her warmed up. We're changing. I'm popping the 100-milligrams. I was going to say, there's no way he's going so. Oh, no. No, and I might take you with me. Just so you can see what I live through.

I don't have kids. No, just so you can get prepared. Remember that case? Remember when Kenison would walk up to you and go, hi, how are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're doing good tonight. Yeah, how you feel?

Are you married? Yeah. I want you to remember this face. Ah, that's what I'm going to take you. It's my favorite. You're not falling in love? Yeah, yeah. Eventually, you want to take a couple of them.

Come to this PTA party with me. Get the fuck out of here. You walk out there like, fuck that. I'll never deal with those fucking snowflakes again. So anyway, my wife ran for this thing. And she was very excited. And last Tuesday when she came home, I saw she was kind of sad.

They took her, you know, just walked her off the ledge. I took her for coffee, and we talked about it. And I told her, I said, listen, I learned something with, if I learned something, the biggest lesson I learned in comedy that is part of life. And this for you people too is sometimes you want something. You want it so bad, you could taste it. But you don't get it.

And you're pissed at people, and you're angry, and you hate the world, and you think your life is over. Oh my God, I didn't get that move, and my life is over. Guess what? Some nine out of 10, God did you a favor. Trust me. I'm here to tell you, I'm not Johnny religious. You don't see me with a cross on my neck.

You don't see me preaching the Bible. I'm telling you that if you're a good person, karma will avoid you out of that. I never forget there was a movie, Fucko Made, you know, Fresh Prince of Philly. Will Smith? Why are you going, Fucko? Will Smith made a movie that when I read the script,

it was so powerful, the tears were running down my eyes. Oh, wow. Like on page 15. Pursuit of happiness, maybe? No, no, it was about him. I forget what the fuck it was, but reading the script, I didn't even sleep that night. Wow.

I knew the part I wanted. I knew the part I wanted. I circled it. I knew how I was gonna play it, and I went after this part. Longest yard style, American gangsta style. All those movies I got, I sent the tape in, I went after it.

I called producers, I called directors. You know me, I tell you one time, make a call. You don't call me, I was calling producers. I was seeing one of the projects producers didn't talk to the friends of theirs. I fucking involved myself in this movie. I wanted these three scenes. They were gonna change my life.

It was a hotel clerk. He ate something. Look at his movies, something. He ate something. It was about him being, he's dying. Number four, maybe? No. I'm just thinking of number.

Little snitch. I'll never forget that. I didn't get that movie in guys. I got no, I don't know what depression is. I went into a coke funk depression. I get depressed. But you don't get depressed? Well, you mask it.

No, no, not about stuff like this. Ah, okay. I wouldn't let myself get depressed because I know it's percentages. But for some reason, this one, this one. I'll tell you, I can tell you all of that, bro. What are you thinking of my movie? Started, what movies did he make from 2001 up?

Ali, Madam Black 2, Bad Boys 2, iRobot, Shirt Tail, Hitch. Hitch was good. I am legend, Hancock, seven pounds? Seven pounds. When the body dies, you lose seven pounds. Oh, yes. So you lose your soul.

Oh, I never heard of that one. Yeah, exactly. It was an independent, independent self. It was gonna change my whole fucking life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was gonna change my whole fucking life. When they told me, when I went in there, I bro, I knew that script.

I know, you know how you know lines? Yeah. I knew the script inside and out. That's amazing. I know Will Smith's line. I knew everybody's lines in the fucking movie. When I walked out of there, I was like, I got this. I got this.

And it was one of those movies that got cast around a holiday or something. So it was like a break. Oh, shit. Bro, please, I'll tell you the next one. It sounds like an independent project. No, it wasn't no independent. It has a good cast, but.

Will Smith don't do nothing independent. They pay him $20. Yeah, but if it didn't, yeah. No, it just didn't. It just didn't hit. It just didn't hit. Interesting. It came out on the weekend with a Disney movie.

It got better. I see what you're saying. The marketing doesn't, wasn't done right. Nobody knew about it. So I didn't lose. What was the sequel to get shorty? Yes. The sequel to get shorty.

I lost that role to a guy that died. No. A week after he did the movie. And I loved him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get me. Be cool. Be cool.

Be cool. Oh my God. Be cool. Be cool. I went down there. I read for, it was, it was what's her name? Partner from the Sopranos. Oh, okay.

The Georgian walking. I went down there. It was on, it was down by Santa Monica, all the way by Fort Street. Okay. I went down there, walked in, read with her on the way back. They beat me.

As it turned around, Travolta's gonna be here now. He wants to read with you. I read with Travolta. And then I came back again and read with. Jesus Christ. Whoever else was the star was at that movie because they added some. Vince Vaughn and with Thurman.

Keep going. Cedric the Entertainer, Andre Benjamin. Steven Tyler. Robert Pastorelli. Robert Pastorelli. He died a week later. Oh, Jesus. He's the one that got it.

Right, right, right. Robert Pastorelli, you know who he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's an old, he was a. Oh, and everything. He did a, he did the Arnold movie. He was the one that was the witness relocation plan in the Arnold movie.

What's the one where Arnold finds people with Vanessa Williams? Oh, what's that one? I'm thinking Terminator, but that's wrong. No, nobody remembers these fucking people. But anyway, I fucking read for that with Pastorelli. I read for that with Travolta. I mean.

I love how many things she's read for. She called me at the house and she told me how great of a job was. Eraser. It was December. Yes. Now I see it. It was December 18th.

It was like a Thursday. And I knew this town shuts down that Friday. And I was going to Sony to read for everybody. For this. Oh, for the, oh, I see what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had this backwards and forwards. I hired a coach.

I had the black velour warm up with the gold chain, the white beater. Stop hitting on me. I kept switching outfits. That's hysteric. To give different looks. Oh yeah, you know me, dog. I'm way ahead of the fucking sphere.

Yeah, yeah. So on this one, I wanted to play the guy like a gangster with like Pastorelli was going to play it. I fucking, God, I ate breakfast. Went over my sides, put it down the notebook, wrote my lines down the notebook. Fucking went in the shower. I'm on the shower.

I hear the phone ring. And I fucking answer. It's my agent. I go, what's up? She goes, listen, I'm sorry. They booked a role out of New York last night. You're not going to get it. I remember going, okay, hang on the phone.

And just crying. Just crying. Like this movie's going to change my life. Steven Tyler's in the fucking movie. Yeah. Everybody's in the movie. The movie bombed. It did bomb because it was horrible.

I've seen it on cable, but I never. Got off Vince Vaughn. You can't even remember the name of it. Ruin that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Vince Vaughn, a bunch of them just ruined it. So sometimes when you don't, I learned this from comedy. Sure.

Sometimes when you don't get something, at the end they're really doing you a fucking favor. Yeah. It's a cliche to say like one door closes, another one opens, but it's a real thing. Like. Like I know for, I told him, I told him after the strike in 2007, all that was calling me

where everybody wanted to make a movie on YouTube. Everybody. Oh, YouTube. Serious. Oh yeah. Show me. Most low budget. A hundred dollars a day.

It's actually up there now. YouTube, YouTube, YouTube. One day I said, you know what? I'm not doing these normal. A year people kept calling me, all right, we'll give you two hundred a day. It's a you, no, no, no, no, boom. I got a call from fucking the Travolta,

the De Niro salon movie. Yeah. It didn't do nothing, but by me holding out. Oh yeah. I proved to myself and we go back to the universe, takes care of yourself. The universe will take care of yourself if you stick to your guns.

This is what I'm not doing anymore. I'm not doing it. I don't give a fuck. No matter what. My cousin works for Warner Brothers. It's sold, listen. Sell it and then we'll do second series. But until then, but then all these people are gone now.

Like they don't do nothing no more. But the question I want to say to you was, how funny is it that Sebastian hit and that whole Italian coupe disappeared of comics. Jimmy and Joey, wheels, the marino. I mean, I love him. Did you ever showcase to be a Jimmy? Oh, about eight times.

That was the role I wanted all my life. To be fucking Jimmy. My favorite thing. I just saw him. I really liked him. I love them, but. I love them, but it was the night of 1,000 Guido's. They tried everything.

Everything you could think of. They tried fucking everything. When I remember Jimmy and Joey were in, I forget which Joey or Jimmy he was on, but Jimmy and Joey were in the OR on stage. And Dice was like, you can't say, oh, that's my thing. Like, cause they would tell a joke and go, oh. And Dice was like, that's my thing.

And he's totally fucking with them. But they went on stage doing that thing and they tell a joke and Dice was sitting in Mitzi's seat in the back of the OR. And you'd hear them like, tell whatever, you know, why don't Italians join the witness protection? No witness. Oh, oh, like they would stop. And Andrew goes, what'd I say?

And then they do another joke and try not to do it with the O on the end of it. Oh my God. It was the saddest and greatest thing I've ever seen. Cause he was just fucking with them, but he sat there to make sure they wouldn't do it. Nobody gets that Dice is a fucking goof. 90% of the time he's fucking with you.

He was fucking with all those guys for a while. He's the effects master. And then he called me the one day in the Apollo cause I told him, I said, fucking Marino's not doing you. It's a form of flattery. Get over it. No, he's not. Him and Luca doing me.

That's how I met Dice. Well, so, yeah, somebody. Scott, Scott. Scott. Day. Day, Scott Day. Scott Day. I love Scott Day.

Scott Day waited for 11 and he Dice purposely called Scott and told him to put up Marino and Luca and that he was gonna meet him down there at 10 30 on a Tuesday and he sat there and he's like, look at them. Look at them. They're doing me and you let them do that. I remember when Luca would go in his pocket

and take his lighter out to light a cigarette and he had a flame, a barbecue lighter. Yeah, yeah. He would take it out and light it. But the funniest line Luca would have is, I don't know if you guys know it. I'm a Gambino captain. I used to be a hit man for the Gambino's.

I can't tell you how many times people came up to me after the show will go. Is that true? Did you believe in the Gambino's? He's an idiot and I love Luca. I love Luca too. I miss Luca. Me too.

I haven't seen him in forever. I miss Luca too, but that whole Italian scene. But sometimes that Marino would tell people that Dice stole his act. Like he's told club owners that recently. And I'm like, what? And I like Marino. He's funny.

He does his own, whatever. He doesn't look Italian. My style is Dice too. My style is Dice. Everybody. I can tell him after that. My Dice inspired the show to me, but so did fucking Rodney.

Right. And so did Bill Hicks and so did Pryor. Yeah. So when you see me sometimes, I feel what I'm doing Pryor on stage. I know it. When I catch myself and go, ooh, you can't do that. Yeah, yeah.

I feel that way. Ooh, you can't do that. Pull back a little. There's a lot of people I'm inspired by. I know exactly what Hicks would say. I know his mind thought. Yeah. When I say those little tags at the end, that's Hicks.

Yeah. I'm just emulating Hicks. Hicks wouldn't let you go down without a fight. He's, you're absolutely right. So he would give me little tags at the end. Yeah, yeah. You throw jokes, those little tags at the end, that's Hicks. Yeah.

You know, Susie Call. You know that whole thing. I rarer too. I rarer does that. I rarer too. That's my, that's the style. And I catch myself because I watched so long. 12 years at the store as a waitress.

Watched them so long. Sometimes I'll catch myself like, fuck. That's very I rarity. You know, like don't say it like that. See how you say it. I mean to the people that taught you the game. Exactly. But I, we do emulate people.

We do look up to people. Judy Gold is one of my favorites. So you can see that of me. My new favorite is Jessica Kersen. Do you know Jessica? I tried last night. Oh my God. I didn't say a lot of it because we weren't the original.

So hectic. I was about to go up. Right. But I didn't say a lot. God. But she's been at it for 20 years. She has, but I didn't know her until I started doing stand up. She's been ripping up 10 years ago.

She was ripping it up, but she's a lesbian. Yeah. Right? She's a lesbian. I like to see that in there. Yeah. But she's Jersey girl. Yeah.

She lays it down for you. She said that, you know, people tell me I'm triggered. I'm triggered from what you said. She goes, yeah, I have kids. You'll get triggered all day. Yeah. Oh yeah, please. That's a great life.

I'm triggered. I'm triggered. She's just brilliant. She's just always been, but I didn't know her because she didn't come to LA. That's my other problem. If you didn't come to the comedy store, I really didn't know your stand up.

You know what I mean? So my influences are all basically comedy store people. You know what I mean? So some of it's fucked up. That's what Rogan's favorite thing was, is that you would come in and when I was waiting tables, people would be like, oh, how's the show going to be tonight? All right, and I show them the lineup and I go,

right here, you're going to want to go take a piss. Out here, after this guy, you're going to want to shoot yourself in the face. Like I would fuck with people, but they would laugh and tip me more. So I was working the table, not knowing it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I was doing stand up.

I didn't know I was doing that, but I was just trying to make money. So I was like, yeah, you're going to take a long walk around the building because both of these are terrible. They would always fucking at the end of the night be like, you're absolutely right. That was awful. I sat through it.

I should have listened to you. I should have taken a break because the guy after him or the girl after him was great. But that, you know, Mitty had her fucking nuts that she would just throw in there to fuck with people. Is that another one? Who would fuck with people on a regular basis?

Like she just, she put a nonchalably on. I don't know how you say his name. Do you remember that fucking guy? He couldn't do 15 minutes. He looked like a genie. Came out of a bottle. She had a nonchalably. His name's on the wall.

Hilarious. She had a couple of people. He could do a solid six. There was a kid that wore like a. A Unitard? Frank Leverman? He wouldn't talk. Leverman I loved.

There was another guy. Leverman went up in a singlet. Like a wrestling singlet? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I play paddle tennis, ping pong, whatever the fuck. No one, with himself, on stage. It's so funny to hear this now.

Cause for comics like me, like this store is like, oh, it's like going to do a set on heaven. And to hear people doing that on the stores. Yeah, but he was, in his country, he's huge. In Germany, this guy's fucking huge, right? Oh, yes. Leverman is crazy as they come. I owe him an email.

This fucking crazy motherfucker. With his hair real high. Yes. A sweetheart. A sweetheart, but fucking bizarro. But fucking out there, out there, out there. He was only in town. He only lived here for like six weeks, right?

Yeah. A couple months. A couple months. He just came in, he had spots every night. But he was huge in Germany. I'm surprised. Co-Kings, we could deal with these people. Fucking Nazis were coming in all the time to see him.

There was more German tourists. I remember that now that you say it. He fucking loved him. He wore like a shiny suit. He would switch it up, a singlet, a shiny suit, all kinds of shit. Oh my God. He'd be like, hey, I don't know, you know,

whatever, I don't know. But he'd be like, I was in the hot tub with girls and putty shots. And I'm like, oh, that's great, man. He's like, now I'm going to go on stage. And then he wouldn't say a fucking word while he was on stage. He would just make noises or do weird shit

or play the fucking table tennis. She loved him. There was another guy. She told me it was going to be the next Jim Carrey. And then Lauren Peltz, you don't remember Lauren, the little waitress, one of my best friends. We worked there for six years together. She backed Mitzi up.

She goes, this guy's going to be huge. I never saw him again. He was fucking retarded from the minute I saw him. But Mitzi was like that. She liked that, like, bizarro. That's what the main room was for. Because she would have like more of a show-y kind of thing. It would be like a regular standup.

It would be like Janice Hart, who was doing like song parodies and Val Pappas and Monica Gaines that were doing characters and shit like that. Frank Lemmer, no, Frankie Pace. Frankie Pace with Duos fucking little, put a stupid shit on his head and dance around. Then it would be Don Mairara, John Mulrooney, Sherry Shepherd, Rita Jones.

You know what I mean? Like, she always liked a bizarre kind of eclectic comedy taste. She was fucking nuts. But some of those people just disappeared and none. I never saw him again. I have no idea where he is. He's probably running CIA or something. He was so fucking weird.

That other kid, I can't think of his name. I have no idea what happened to him. The next Jim Carrey. But she would do that. She passed Jimmy and Jolie. Then she saw them again and she was like, oh, no. I messed up. Sorry.

But with Sebastian, he bombed on her showcase for her. He had just graduated Sandy Seashore's class and he didn't do well in her graduation thing either. Then showcase for Mitzi didn't do well. She passed them. I remember looking at the paper like, oh shit, she's okay. Cause that guy didn't do well. Then she kept putting them on, kept putting them on,

moving them further back in the lineup, further back in the lineup. You know, he'd be 1 a.m. to, you know, 1 30 late night, sometimes just the belly room, you know? But she kept them in the loop and people were pissed. Like, who the fuck is this guy, you know? Mitzi just passed him cause he's good looking, you know? But she didn't.

I asked her, I said, did you pass him cause he was cute? Cause she's done that before. Luca, you're welcome. And so she did that a million times. She goes, no, I don't like that one. I like that way. So three years, two years later, we're sitting in an OR, Sebastian's fucking annihilating.

And she looked at me, she goes, I surprised myself with that one. She saw something. I don't know what she saw. But sometimes you see it, sometimes don't. Everybody can have that one or two great sets. Like there's comics I know that are pretty awful, but I've seen them have great sets once at least.

That's the lesson we learned from her that what you walked in there, you walked out a different person. If you stuck with it, and if you didn't, what she did. And he stuck with it. And he stuck with it. Sebastian, I mean, cause you were talking about Sundays when he would come in at like stage 11, 12.

He was a waiter. Right, but he would have the day off. The day off. But to sign up, I'm saying, remember when they used to come sign up on Sundays? So he would, I'd see him in the parking lot during the day. I go, what are you doing? He goes, bronze it up while I wait to go on.

Bronzeing up. But he would, he would like lay out in the, to wait for the sign up sheet to come down, sign up, go to four seasons and come back later that night. Four seasons? This is why I think that you got up the system so fast and you've become so funny because you saw the proper way to do it.

And you did not. True, but got thrown to the wolves quick. But you have to get through it. Which is great. You have to get thrown to the wolves quickly. You have to. Yeah. I would throw, I throw people to the wolves all the time.

Yeah. Because I want them to know what they get involved in. Yeah. Time to time you need to get thrown to the wolves. And I look at those bite marks and they make me to do better. Makes you go home and really think about what you're doing, what you're like.

And if you want to do this. And if you want to do this. And this is. It's a long, ugly haul. There's a thousand people that want to be a comic. Yeah. Doing it and doing it correctly. It's a whole other story.

And that's where we were lucky. Yeah. We were lucky. Yeah. I didn't pay attention. I just put my head down and kept going down there. But you were one of my favorites from the minute you walked in.

Like as far as you like on stage just fucking. It fit who I was. The comic's role was made for me. It's like a Holtzman thing to it. Like you just. From the third day I was did comedy from my third set. People came up to me and said, is Mitzi seeing you yet?

Yeah. The straw was made for a guy like me. I belong there. That's why today I don't go anywhere else. Like the Simone would say the Lambda misfit toys is what we are at the Comedy Star. That's it. And you don't want.

We're just water guns, shoot jelly. And you don't want, man, if you don't belong there, that's fine too. I'm not mad at you. You belong at the improv, it suits you well. Find your place. You have to find your place. And complain that you're not in one place.

Don't do that. Nothing bothers me more than that. There's three, there's. There's a million. Four of the comedy clubs in LA. And 96, seven rooms. Go with who backs you. You're key of crying, wasting time.

Go with who backs you, man. Don't worry about the comedy school. When you get that funny, the comedy still finds you. That's right. They'll find you. They'll call you. And even if you are that, like you think you're that funny, which is fine.

Cause a lot of people do think that they're that funny. They work elsewhere. You can't make it unless you're in at the comedy store. I'm like, what are you talking about? What are you talking about? There's a million comics that have come on. How many times did Harry showcase? Seven years.

I don't know how many times, but seven. Him and Shanling are neck and neck. I think it was like 18. Wasn't that something crazy? Him and Shanling are neck and neck for not getting passed for the seven year mark. Gary Shanling, look at him. Yeah, he's in a group with Gary.

I'm Gary, I remember him, God rest his soul. He was hosting the Emmys, I think it was. And he was in the comedy store and he was in, me and Mitz are walking down the hall and she spotted him. I didn't know it was him at first. You know, you walk, it gets a little darker. And of course I'm trying to probably save someone's job while I'm walking, you know, I'm like, well Mitz,

you know, they didn't mean it. They just sat down and, you know, they're human. And, you know, so, and she's all Gary and she yells, he comes over and he, as soon as he saw her, he automatically started sweating. I was like, this motherfucker is hosting the Emmys. Does that ever go away? It didn't go away with her.

No matter what, they still had that fear. I remember Eddie, like he came over, he was talking to Gary, sweating, wiping his brow. Yeah, I'm hosting the Emmys, oh yeah, it's nice. Like it was nothing, like, yeah, good, you're a little gig. You wanna do a spot in the oar? No, no, he's just sweating, I'm gonna go. I was just meeting a friend who was so panicked and he left.

But like, I was thinking of like Eddie Griffin and Dice in the 90s. They had a big fight in the kitchen, or maybe it was 2000, it could have been 2000. Cause I think Andrew and I maybe just started dating or it was right before. So maybe it was like early 2000s. They had a big fight, Mitz came in, she was like,

why happened? And I'm like, you know, they just had a stupid argument over stage time, blah, blah, blah, it's no big deal. I tried to squash it. I wanna talk to both of them. So I'm like, what are they, eight? Okay, Eddie Griffin and Andrew Dice Clay, you want me to, so they come in, she's sitting on the white couches.

Remember in the kitchen, we had those white couches and she would always sit on the far back one so she could look at herself in the mirror across. I don't know if you knew that, but that's what you would do if she would look at herself. Right? So she's sitting on her bench. These two come in like school boys.

I've never seen them like, hey, Mitzy, like all of a sudden the leather jacket's off, Eddie's big hats are off, like nothing. They were just two kids, afraid to get in trouble with Mitzy Shore. And they both sat down and she goes, why'd he happen? And they're like, well, you go, you tell it. Like I'm like, I'm watching these motherfuckers squirm

because this is how powerful this woman is in their career and in what they want to be accepted by. It was the greatest thing I've ever seen. I was like, this is fucking awesome. I don't understand. I had the same relationship, but with me, I always won. Oh, you got, you were good with her though. Cause you were funny.

I used to get her before she could say anything to me. If I did something wrong, I'd go up to her hug her, talk to her and then she'd go, oh, don't take your dick out of the original room. No, no, no. I told her, I took it out a week later. Of course. She's like, Jolly, what I say, no, you're not getting banned.

Just what I say, no, you were, I remember I told you, I was running on a thin line at that point. But she loved it because she knew you were part of her, like that kind of comic she loved. Oh, she loved all that shit. It's a troubled soul and they got a lot to say. And it's fucking great. She loved, I don't know if you remember,

they accused me one time, one of the managers, I dated a girl named Carol. So one of the, I wrote Carol, of course. So one of the, I have Fred, Freddie was starting to blow up and the white kid with the glasses, his buddy. Oshack.

Oshack came to me one day. Freddie Soto and Oshack. He really likes you and I can't do this job anymore. Do you mind driving two days a week? Cause Freddie was blowing up. He was opening for Carlos. So now I'm not only, I didn't, I was a telemarketer and then ends Mitchell did away with the telemarketing.

Me and Shema, the guy that was dating Kelly Kirsten. So I started driving. Vazios. Vazios. So I started driving, I started driving the van. Did you know that? Do you remember that? And I had to go get a tongue sandwiches.

Always. I had to go to. That's her favorite. What's that? Chin Chin, it's fucking Chinese chicken salad. And I used to have to go to that hardware store. Oh, Coontz. Oh, she loves that fucking place.

I'm about to admit, the fucking aisles are too small. But one day, one day I actually went to the bank and they gave me a hundred over. And I took the hundred and I had to go right to La Jolla. That's why I go right to La Jolla. They didn't say nothing to me. The bank made the mistake. And then another time, I would never steal

from the company store. I already knew if I wanted, if you steal from here, there's no coming back. It's gonna come back, yeah. There's no coming back. So this guy liked Carol. He would always flirt whenever I brought Carol. Now I just say nothing.

I was just giving this guy the opportunity. And one day, he just came up to me, he goes, hey man, there was a carton of Marlboro Reds missing. And I go, well, I didn't, I don't know. You gave me with a list and the person gave it to me. And he just started on me. I think you robbed it. Did you rob it?

And I go, why would I rob a carton of cigarettes? I work for Mitsy Show. And I still remember the guy's face. He was talking to me. Was he a manager or something? He was a manager. And this one, the managers didn't matter. You're right.

This one, managers didn't matter. I've had people come up to me. You could smack them. I was a manager. I don't remember you. That's how many happened. I fired three of them myself. I was a waitress.

She was a waitress. She ran the place. She, Eleanor really ran the place. The nerve of me to fire fucking people. The managers were just standing there taking orders. So this manager kept up. The nerve. He kept up on it.

And he got the ones guys here. What a piece of shit. He got the one guys here. And they were on it for about two or three weeks. They were on this thing with the fucking, the carton of cigarettes. And I swear to God at the time, I smoked Camelites. Even there.

You know, why would I steal Marlboro Reds? So finally I got a call from Missy and she goes, that's guy and let's fix this. So I went down there at five o'clock. Like, the meeting was four on a Friday. Oh, geez. We had to pick up checks anyway. Yeah.

So I had to go pick up my check. And I went down there and it was me, him and Belinda. Oh, good stuff. What was her name? What was her last name? Good stuff. Who the fuck cares? Belinda.

What a piece of shit. Good stuff. Cause me and my wife were trying to figure out her name. I'll never forget that I sat down as calm as I could. And Missy goes, do you want to tell me what happened? And I write out, right with Belinda sitting there and the manager said, well you're sitting because he was sitting next to Missy.

I said, Missy, before I came here, I was a criminal. And I accept that for what it is. But now I'm a comic. This fucking piece of shit, just like that. He keeps fucking saying that I stole a pack of fucking carton of cigarettes. Missy, I'm looking you in the eye telling you, I didn't steal the carton of cigarettes.

Now I'm looking you in the eye. And if you say it again, and he went to say, it's like, don't even say it or I'll fucking smack you in the fucking face right here, you motherfucker. I just went off on one of those deer's tangents. And Belinda just thumbs up. Missy's pussy just blew. You could see the steam coming out of her pussy.

Hanukkah Bush was out. She loved comics and stuck up for themselves. And I'm threatened. I didn't give a fuck. I told her, we'll take it. I'll beat you in here. You turn on the lights, bitch. Missy's like, oh, stop, stop, stop.

And he's like, you're not going to touch me. I'll dial 911. I go, Missy, you see we got to deal with these fucking pussies. And that was it. It was never mentioned. The guy got fired. And I saw him in Rob's like a year later,

he shook my hand. Piece of shit. Where are you this weekend? A Harvey's comedy club. Yes. What night are you there? Thursday, tonight, through Sunday. You're fucking beautiful.

That's who I am, man. I'm happy you can make it through the day. I was in the mood for family today. I love you. Thank you for having me. I like two people who called me. I'm like, I'm not in the mood to interview you. Fuck them.

I just want to talk to family. It's fucking mid-September. I'm headed to Dallas. It's sold the fuck out. Which one are you doing? San Antonio sold the fuck out. The Majestic Theater, the Aztec Dean is gone. It's over.

The only thing that's left in your fucking future is Chicago on September 27th. And those motherfuckers are going fast. Then after that, I got Kansas City on October 11th. I forget the name of the theater. And the fucking Paramount Theater in Denver. We just added a second show at 9.30. So there you have it.

If you want to go see me. Can I plug other ones? Those are the dates. Yeah. We're also gonna go. Uncle Vinnie's 18th Point Pleasant. That's a good one. That's September 18th and 21st.

And then Mr. and Mrs. America with Dyson Roseanne. The 19th and the 20th Paramount Long Island with Dyson Roseanne and Hard Rock Atlantic City with Dyson Roseanne. Also the Roar Comedy Club in Springfield, Massachusetts. I'm excited about that. Well, don't give them too many because you gotta assume they're retarded.

Listen, don't be retarded. Go to my goddamn website. But I really want you to go see Dyson Roseanne. That sounds like a fucking great show. It's gonna be great. Sounds like a great show. I'm happy you're being a part of that. Before I leave, a real quick word from our sponsors,

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