Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #719 - Joey Diaz Setting the Record Straight

Episode Date: September 17, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about his decision to follow his dreams and leave Colorado. Some may say he abandoned his daughter, here's the real story.   This podcast is brought to you by:  Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $50 off your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

You jumpin' up and down for it, you're fuckin' flies. This is Guy in Boulder in 1981. I'm on a fuckin', my nose is wide open. Maybe 92, I'm walkin' around, my nose is wide open. I'm doin' comedy, I'm gettin' a divorce. And they're just comin' to me. I got these people who wanna do scams and I'm runnin' scams on them, you know.

But the only person I was runnin' a scam was on myself. But there was this one dude, no names. He comes to me one day. He's like, hey, I need a pound of weed. I gave him some blowball number 800 without even showin' him the pound of weed. He gave me the 800. I didn't see him for about three weeks.

He came up to me and I'm like, what are you talkin' about? The guy was supposed to bring it to the bar, no. I left, I go, oh fuck, I gotta set this up all over again. I'm sorry, the guy lives up in the fuckin' mountains. I mean, this went on for fuckin' years. I owed this guy the 800 for years. Then I went to New York and he was part of the circle

I hung out with so he knew I had gone to New York and I was datin' the chicken in the village and I would go over there on Sundays. And one afternoon early we swapped and spit in the phone rings and it's this fuckin' kid lookin' for his 800. So I started makin' money orders to pay my child support but I would take the receipt and write his name on it

and make a copy of it and mail it to him. And say, I told you, I sent you the fuckin' money order. I told Lee, this guy chased me down till about fuckin' 96. God knows when he's gonna show up. He hasn't even tortured me on social media. I wish he would at least torture me on social media but never give up.

You care for what you wish for? No, the moral story is never give up. Somebody owes you 800, you hunt them down til the fuckin' day is over, alright? That's it and that's that. Greetings from Podcast Ville. It's Tuesday the 17th of motherfuckin' September. The church always brought to you by my bookie.

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and get 20% off your first order. It's that fuckin' simple, all right? Lee, take this motherfuckin' mule. Rick O'Caseyck, R-I-P, you bad motherfucker. These two first dollars destroyed me, guys. When I got the news last night, I got the next year because Candio was there for me. When you pick a soundtrack of your life,

and the old guys in the room are like, fuck it, 99, like 81, like 12, like 12, like 12. That's the same, it's all inside of me and mine. Oh, shit. And this out, the first one is a fuckin' masterpiece. Let's start the finish. Start the fuckin' finish. It's so easy to throw up your problems.

It's so easy to play up your breakdown. It's so easy to fly through a window. It's so easy to breathe with the sound. Are you fuckin' kidding me? They can't do this today if they fuckin' wanted this. Jesus Christ, this is like my freshman year. This was it. This Ted Nugent, anyway, Rick O'Caseyck,

God bless you, hope you're making the journey nice and easy. I'd like to thank Dallas and San Antonio for fuckin' a great two shows, great weekend. Listen, if you guys ain't got no energy, my show's gonna suck. You guys went in there ready to kill a motherfucker. Both he is in San Antonio and Dallas. I knew I was in Texas as soon as I fuckin' landed.

You understand what I'm sayin'? The warmth of tech, you know when every city has a certain special something, Texas is just fuckin' sensational. Thank you very much if you came out to one of the motherfuckin' badass shows. I wanted to talk to you guys about something, a mistake I made on the podcast last week.

Lee had asked me, we were talkin' about quitting things. When you come to terms with whatever you're doin' isn't working or you think isn't working. Because sometimes you'll think that somethin''s not workin' right and it's because you're not, again, you're not giving it your 100%. If you give somethin' 20 years, 100%,

you still don't get nowhere. It's time to evaluate your game. When you evaluate it anyway, every five years you're evaluated, something happens and now you gotta bounce off that. So it's pretty much day to day and it's all improvised. But Lee asked me a question. He said if I thought there was somebody

who should give up and I said a name, I'm very sorry for giving out that name because I'm in no position to crush anybody's fuckin' dream. I just said in a hypothetical way, I set a plan up. If that would've happened to me, this is what I do. Nobody said for her to quit comedy. What I meant for her was to, there's a different way to do this.

Sometimes you come to terms, well listen, sometimes you're out here in LA, you're on a fuckin' roll, you're poppin' a show every year, you're in the circle, everything goes all right and guess what, your fuckin' mom has a heart attack. So what are you gonna do? You gonna sit out here like a mutt? No, you gotta go on a plane, you gotta cancel a weekend,

you gotta go see your fuckin' mom and then while you're there, you understand that your mom is sicker than what you anticipate. Now what? Now you gotta get your girlfriend to move into your house and walk your dog every day and guess what? Now you have to change up your game. Nobody's saying that you have to quit comedy

but now you have to set up a plan to how is this gonna make me, I still gotta go on the road, I have to put auditions on tape and now you're like, I'm stuck here with mom for six, eight or nine months or a year. Do you quit? No, you just revamp your fuckin' game

and you figure out a way to make it work for you. Those are one, that's one of, and this happens, I'm talkin' about whether you're an electrician, whatever, you're always gonna have to make changes somewhere along the line so you have to improvise, it's a day-to-day thing. Why do you think I hate makin' plans?

What are you doin' next Thursday? I have no fuckin' idea but I'm not makin' plans til next Wednesday because I don't know what I'm doin' next Thursday. What if we make this whole plan, this whole hour on the books and I'm poppin' on edition Tuesday and I'm fucked. So call me next Wednesday and we'll fuckin' ease the pain.

I live like a fuckin' animal, do I like it? No, but that's the way I have to live. Now, I'm talkin' about the suggestion that you come out here and you give it your all, what you think is your all for 20 years and you don't get to a certain place and you've gone through your savings, you've gone through your inheritance,

things like this, yes, there's times that I haven't say maybe I made a bad call but out of all this, I got one gift. What if I take that gift and do something else with it? Well, okay, then take your comedy on cruise ships. Maybe you're better for corporate events but there's never, you never quit, you know? Once a month, I always get an email from somebody

who wants to be queued or a tweet or something like, hey, something there, you know, they at least, they didn't abandon their daughter, you know? Let me tell you something. There was every decision I've made since I was a kid was based on one thing. When I was about 11, I used to hang out at this guy's house and one day he said, remember,

you always wanna walk out on your feet then crawl out on your knees. I knew exactly what he meant by that at the age of 11 and it stuck with me. And one of the first things I quit was basketball when I was in love with it. I was in love with it, but freshman, he didn't start me and I got turned around and blah, blah, blah, blah.

I got a lung infection and yes, I got a bad taste in my mouth and I quit. Do I regret quitting today? Yes, I did but before I quit, I was also very honest with myself. I took a look around on my family tree and there was nobody really over fucking six foot two in my tree, I wasn't the fastest guy in the world.

I could jump 40 inches and grab fucking rebounds like a motherfucker, but I knew this was gonna be a hard uphill battle that at that age, I wasn't prepared to fight and I didn't really wanna go through the disappointment. So I continued to play basketball, I just didn't play it at a high school level, okay? You know, I quit a thousand jobs.

Every job wasn't good. Thank God I found comedy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I had another situation popping into my life. Like I told you the last time I got married, divorced, there was a very big mistake because a lot of people that didn't have to get hurt got hurt by our actions. When I went back, I went back to New York in 93

to regroup, again, like I told you guys, this is a life of regrouping. I had lost everything in the divorce, I was living with a friend of mine, I had my own bedroom, I lived from day to day, there was days, I just ate, I had a shoplift, the cheese that comes in the red wrapper, the Gouda cheese, I would shoplift two of those

and I'd have enough for a box of crackers and a little container for a Swiss orange juice. And I'd live off that all fucking day, you know? And the end of 92, I had it really fucking hard, but it was all something I created upon myself. I had gone through the credit cards, I had written checks, I had bounced checks, I had fucking a car that they were looking for

to get repossessed, I had to hide it in the garage. It was just a life of fucking hell. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. Do you know what it is to go to an open mic or a fucking comedy club? And the comedy club owner, when you walks in, gives you a piece of paper and says, hey, you just got a call and it's a 1-800 number.

And in your mind, you're thinking it's HBO. Somebody saw you from a fucking TV show or something when you call it, they're like, hey, it's Marty, what happened to the $40? You were gonna send me off for the discover card payment. I mean, my life got to that fucking point. So, and my wife and I were not agreeing on things at the time and the boyfriend was getting involved.

And I said, you know what, let me just take a breather. When you wanna take a breather in your life, you go right back to your home, you walk the streets you grew up in and it brings you back and gets your compass centered. Sometimes you have to get your compass centered. So I went back then, I got my compass centered, I kept doing comedy and I learned one thing,

that in New York, the open mic world is a fucking jungle. Colorado, now that I had been on the Colorado scene and the New York scene, Colorado, I was getting a lot more action in Colorado. It was a lot better level of work. Yeah, I could do three open mics in one night, but what good is it if it's for a room full of comics? In Colorado, I was doing one show a night,

but it was for a real audience. And I was at the third year level, so it was a big difference, going from this point to this point. After I regrouped in New York, I put a little money away. I did a little drug heist with my man, D. Rago. God bless us all. And I gave me a little bit of cash

to go back to Colorado with the intention of getting an attorney, fighting for my daughter and doing comedy, that was the plan. And the plan was to stay in Colorado. I was not looking to be famous. I was not looking to be George Carlin or any of the hot comics in that day, Jackie Flynn, or nothing like that.

I just wanted to be a comic, make a living, live from city to city, do triple runs for the rest of my life, because I never thought I would be that good to be at that level. I was very, that's the attitude I went back home to Denver with. Did you go to Denver just because of your daughter?

Did you think about going to other places? No, I went to Denver because I wanted to be a father. And I went back to Denver because I knew that when I went back to Denver first, why didn't I have to kill myself as hard to make a living, make a living. I was making in New York. There was a lot of movement in my life.

And again, going back to New York and addictions, New York, the addiction was fed on every block. It was too easy to get anything. I get anything at any time. That's not good for me. I knew that wasn't good at all. If it was, I gotta miss it, fuck yeah. But in Colorado, you gotta work a little harder,

but that wasn't the decision in that. The main decision was to go back and be a father. First off, I prayed to God that she had cooled down a little bit, that this seventh to eight month window had given her a chance to step back and look at this for what it was that maybe this guy just needs a chance, but no. So as I got back, we started in the little money I put away

instead of it going to furniture and clothes that went to an attorney's retainer. And for the next five, 12, and three. For the next 18 months, I lived in the state of fucking horror, anger,

confusion, and shock. Not to mention, I'm an open micro. I didn't quit because I was going through all this shit with her and my ex-wife. I just kept doing comedy. I knew that the closer, the more comedy I did, the closer I get to my goal. My goal was to become a functioning human being.

Nevermind the coke, that was fine. I had accepted the addiction. I just wanted to be a human being that worked, paid his bills. I wasn't looking for much money. I kept my nut lower every month. I finally learned the value of keeping your nut low when I got divorced.

I didn't have a car payment. I had a pager. I had a fucking $400 apartment in Boulder. I mean, my nut was basically 800 a month, 900 a month. I could fucking find $900 a month. That's my gift. I could find $900 a month. So I started doing well financially.

What's well, Joey? Well was 25, 3000 a month. That was, you know, hustling, selling drugs, selling cars, and a little bit of comedy. Picking up a five here, a 10 here, a 30 here. So this whole time I'm making fucking strides in my comedy life. I'm getting healthier in Boulder.

I'm walking, I'm hiking, I'm swimming at North Hollywood Pool, North Boulder YMCA, whatever they had there, like a North Boulder something. I'm doing everything in my life to cover the spread, but what kept getting worse was my relationship with my ex-wife and my ex-wife's husband. This kept getting worse and worse, worse and worse. And it would get good for a month

and then it would go downhill. Listen, it was putting a big fucking stress on me. It was putting a big stress on her, but the person that was getting stressed out by this the most was my daughter, Jacqueline. You know, it's so funny now, in hindsight, my daughter has girlfriends. She's six years old, she's in the first grade.

And one of her girlfriends is her parents went through a divorce. You could see it in the kid. The kid is walking around angry, heartbroken, throws fits. It's horrible, but it's not her fault. You know, she's in the middle of a divorce that's messy. They yell at each other, they curse at each other,

they don't talk to each other. So this leaks down into your child. I started to notice that a little bit. Now there's another side of the story. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to frustrate me and break me. They were trying to push me for me to make a bad move.

I saw this, you know, when somebody does this to you constantly and you're checking yourself, eventually one day you can't check yourself no more. You know, we're all fucking human, okay? So the one day she called me, he called me a spick behind my back and I found out. Now, if it was anybody else who called me a spick, I would not even confront you.

Because I don't confront people who call me a spick. You're using, you're telling me with your words, how ignorant you fucking are. So now the 10 times I don't react to racial slurs. I never have, you know, first of all, they said it so much in Jersey, I just got fucking used to it. But that was an excuse for me to like this motherfucker.

Now, before I went into this light up mode, there was three or four months where I was living a horrible life because I was preparing their death. I was designing their death. This is murder one. This is not involuntary manslaughter. This is not manslaughter.

I could tell you on this microphone right now as a man that in 1995, I was designing my ex-wife and her husband today's death. It was on my mind constantly. And it was starting to get up there with the comedy. At that time, my whole passion was comedy and being a father. That was my passion.

I didn't have money to stay healthy. I lifted weights at the house. I swam at the Y. I walked, you know, it was a different life. I stay healthy because I was broke to be honest with you because 60% of my income went to fucking cocaine. But my main objective was writing, doing those gene parade workbooks

and I would do everything, you know, when the daytime was on, wasn't busy hustling. And I really, really, really wanted the responsibility of being a father. But the more I had stayed there, I could see this possibility was getting taken from me. Every day it was getting taken from me. Now there was a point where she wouldn't tell the mother

what we did in our afternoon and our weekends because she was scared the mother would use it against me. So she stopped telling the mother. So the judge made me and her have to write a letter together and hand it to the mom when we exchanged visitation. There were all these little things that I could see that were affecting this little fucking five-year-old girl

in a way that, listen, I'm no child psychiatrist, but I know when people change. I could tell that whenever we made the exchange, she'd always put her head down and, you know, it was just rough on her as a five-year-old. But in my mind, I was still designing their death. I was designing their death and by designing their death, I was gonna make them disappear

and then I would have to get custody and that's how when you have that much anger in your heart and you have that much frustration and whatever, this is where your head goes. People talk about where suicide come from, where's this side come? You know, I know it's suicide prevention month, either this month or next month,

you start getting these evil thoughts. My evil thoughts were not in harming myself, but I wanted to harm two people in the worst way ever, murder, and they were gonna disappear. And my genius plot was to tie them to a tree and rub honey on them and let the bears get them. That was my genius plot, okay? Me and another Vietnam bet.

Right now I'd be fucking getting the electric chair. But something didn't sound right about it. You know, first off, I grew up without a mother. Horrible existence. Finding out that your mother got fucking stabbed by your ex-husband, by your ex-husband and your father is not a good way to fucking grow up. That's not a good way to grow up.

You know, nevermind that your mom is gone and she was killed by your father. That's not a smart way to fucking grow up. And even though these little flashes popped into my mind, the passion for me to murder them was fucking stronger. I mean, I look back at the situation today and I'm in shock with these words, but they were frustrating me so fucking much.

I didn't know what to do, how to start this, how to end this. And this whole time I got two felonies. You know what happens when you get a third felony, they give you that fucking, whatever life of the felon sends and you get 25 fucking years. So I knew in Colorado I was threatened on sin fucking skin.

So I didn't came the luckiest day of my life. Really, when you look at it, he called me a spick behind my back. I drove there in front of my daughter. I raised my hand to this fucking guy. You know, it would satisfy. The only person that satisfied was my inner desire to get revenge.

After the cops came and everything I looked over and then the car was this pool little five-year-old girl crying. I felt good for what I had done, but now that feeling had gone away once I saw that little fucking girl crying. So from that moment on for about a month, you know, now we haven't got a court.

I didn't get to see it for two weeks. Then when I did see it, we kind of, I remember her saying to me that the morning after I hit him, she went downstairs for breakfast and she was sitting there looking at John's black eye and she started giggling. And yet on the outside I giggled, but inside it broke my heart

because she didn't need to see that. She didn't need to see that at all. And here I was wanting to fucking kill him. She just saw me smack the guy and now she's reacting to it. You know, I had to tell her that I was unapologized and I apologized to him one day and the charges were dropped. And then in the middle of all that one day,

they fucking took me to court for something completely irrelevant. And that's when I won the fucking case and I went off on her. And even though I went off on her, I didn't feel fucking good about it. So now I got all these fucking signs telling me this is not gonna fucking work.

But then life gave me the biggest sign of all. I got banned from the comedy works. Now that was another month of thought. Now I knew I had to change my life at that time. I was already doing triple runs. And, but the goal was to work out of the comedy works, not McKelvie's, not Whitsend, not the other club. Your goal at that time was to be at the comedy works.

And my foot was three quarters in and I get fucking thrown out of there. So now I'm faced with a decision in this little one bedroom apartment with nothing in the refrigerator but beer. My decision was what I really wanted out of this life. My decision was that I wanna fucking go to jail because I didn't go to jail that day.

That case got thrown out. But the direction where we were going, I was gonna go to jail. And guess what? At one point that I accepted it, I thought, fuck it, I'll get a fax machine sent in. I'll write jokes for Jay Leno and I'll make $35 a day writing fucking jokes.

Good luck. This is how demented my mind was. When I think back at these times, I have to shake my head and I think, but I also think of people that think about that, those type of thoughts in a different way. And they do them to themselves. That's what that taught me.

Especially when you question somebody doing suicide, you start thinking to yourself like, wait a second, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was committing suicide in a different way because I was gonna go to jail for the rest of my life. That's suicide. You've been locked in a fucking cell the rest of your life. Yeah, you still got communication.

You still got TV. You still make fucking three pennies an hour and you're still eating. But being in jail, you have no life. You wasted a fucking life. You wasted a life because of a fucking impulsive fucking action that you did. You wasted a life and you probably ruined the lives

of three or four others. So I knew all these things. But I was faced with a tough fucking decision, man. I really wanted to be a fucking dad. I really did. But was the desire of me being a dad to beat her? What did I really, really, really want to be a dad? That was the fucking question.

So I looked around my apartment. I looked at my fucking refrigerator. I remember going to the bank that night and putting my ATM card in. I couldn't even take a 20 out because I had like $18 for years. I had an ATM card with $18 on it. Not even enough to take a fucking 20 out.

I could buy like a slice of pizza if I was in a bind. I looked around my apartment. I had to borrow a car to pick her up on Wednesdays or rent one and borrow one to pick up on her to get her one on the weekends. I was living this fucking life. I was borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Was I really a fucking father?

What if, what if I paid her back? What if I beat her in court and got more visitation? Did I really have the time to be a dad? I want it to be a comic. I want it to be a comic. And it broke my fucking heart. It broke my fucking heart. But in the middle of that whole process,

I came up with something else. I'm never gonna be her dad the way things are going, the way I want to be her dad. I'm just gonna be that man. I'm not gonna have a say in her first communion. I'm not gonna have, I mean, at that point already, she was five. I had never been invited to an event.

If there was an event that this kid had at school or at the fucking reunion or at the Girl Scouts or whatever the fuck you even involved with, I was never invited. I was just a guy she saw on Wednesdays and Saturdays. That's what I felt like and that's what it felt like at the time. So I had to decide what I wanted to do.

And I came up with a decision. I came up with the same decision. I came up with 1985. In 1985, I was fucking lying to myself for six years about this money I was gonna get. My dad was gonna give me, I would lie to my friends and tell them, oh, fuck it any day, now I'm getting a half a mil or 28 mil.

There was nothing coming to me. The only thing I was gonna get was fucking dick. That's all I was gonna get. I wasn't gonna get nothing. And finally in 1985, I had the balls to tell myself, I'm lying to myself, if the money's gonna be there, I'll get it someday in the future. If I got the money coming to me, I'll earn it.

I'll go out there and earn it. It'll come to me. I'll get a half of it. I kept adding these numbers that my stepfather's gonna give me this amount of number in my head and I just drove myself crazy with it. But when I got on that People's Express flight, I'll never forget looking at the pavement

in Newark Airport and saying, I'm never gonna come back here unless I get my life together. Unless I get my life together. And the next time, it took me six years to come back. And the next time I come back, I'm gonna come back here a man, now leave here like I left the fucking punk. I still walked out of here with my legs.

I didn't crawl here on my knees, but I walked out of here a fucking punk. But I made that decision that if the money was gonna come to me, it would come to me, I would earn it at some point in my life. And I left it at that. I never worried about the money again. Never, ever, ever did I worry about money again.

It was just something that we used every day. I was too involved with fucking money and how I wanted that quick fucking pay. Everybody wants that quick big chunk. You're not gonna get it. You're not gonna get it. Not the way you're thinking. So forget about it right now.

You're not gonna get it. Not the way you're thinking. These people that think they're gonna come up with $200,000 in three weeks, they're gonna hit the lot. Very few. There's a way to do it, very few can accomplish it. I couldn't.

So you work and you strangle out. And today here we are, I'm 56. So I had to make the same decision for Jackie, myself, and what was right for the situation at hand. I cut a deal with myself. I knew I had nowhere to go comedically in Colorado. I could have spent another two or three years developing. I knew that.

I knew that big time before I could make a move. I had put those plans upon myself. I knew it was a seven year until you get the fuck out of here. That's why I was just buying time. But I couldn't live there anymore because something bad was gonna happen. Somewhere along the line, something bad was gonna happen

and it was gonna ruin all the work I had put into comedy already. So I made a deal with myself. I said, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go to Seattle. I'm gonna come back every couple months and see my daughter. I'm gonna pay my child support. I'm gonna call her during the week.

I'm gonna set up a schedule to call her during the week. And I'll come back in September to work, to be a sports betting service again. And, you know, razor and then do comedy on the side. Let me just go to Seattle for a few months to get my feet wet. This situation is not getting any better here. It's getting worse.

I'm having horrible fucking thoughts, you know? And let me tell you something. I was living with these thoughts since like Christmas. They were haunting me, guys. Haunting me. Haunting me. Haunting me. It changed who I was.

The only thing that didn't change was that I didn't stop doing comedy. But if you came and spoke to me when I was off stage, you knew there was something off. Because after two minutes of talking to me, I would bring it to my ex-wife and my kids and give you the ear beating that you'd never even asked for in your fucking life.

I'm sorry if I gave you an ear beating that time of my life, but I gave out a lot of them because it was all that was on my mind. I could talk about it all fucking day. How mad I was, how she took this picture at Cuban, sold it for $37. I was just angry.

And now that they were trying to take away my kid and I could see where it was going. And she had already made offers to me. Why don't you just sign the paperwork, give her a production, and you don't have to pay child support. And you lose all your rights. That's what she wanted from day one.

So we were not in a good place. So my plan really, really, really, between us is family. There was no abandonment here, there was nothing. The plan was to come back in September. As soon as I left that phone schedule we discussed on the phone, the phone would ring for hours.

There was no answer. I would leave messages, da, da, da, da, da. I called the boss in Seattle and I asked him what he wanted me back. And he told me he wanted me back. Labor Day weekend, the first week of football. I go, how much time? Cause I was already experienced.

There's no reason to train me. And there's no reason to sit there during preseason football. I told him I'd get my timing back after a week or two. And then I'd get going. Well, I had never done a feature spot before in my life. I'd always hosted. I had done a short feature weekend in Michigan

where I had to do 15 minutes. But I had never done a 30 minute spot. I was in comedy four years already and nobody had ever hired me to do a 30 minute spot. And it's all I ever wanted in this fucking life was a 30 minute fucking spot. If I could just do one fucking 30 minute spot, I could prove that I'm a fucking feature act.

I didn't have any problem with what I'm saying, but I could just prove to myself because with comedy, art, music, when you're first starting out, it's the little things. You know, when I talk to Lee some nights, I go, how'd you do tonight? Do you straw him? I go, I got in the pause break to Lee right now.

That's big. That's what keeps him waking up every day to go do it again and try it again. It's little things that keep you going. And then the more you get into comedy, you'll notice or the more you get into art or plumbing or whatever, you'll notice that the gaps

for successful things happening widens. Like now little things happen, but they don't happen every other week. They start happening once a month and it just builds your doubt and doubt and doubt. So I had all these things going on. I mean, it was a fucking horrible feeling. And then one June fucking day,

I had already met the stripper late Memorial Day weekend. She was on her way to visit me. And like the first week of June, I picked the baby up and I took her across the street. There was like a little bicycle field and all this shit. It was by North Boulder Park there.

And we went around the block because that's why I was always taking a play at North Boulder Park. It was right behind where I lived there. And I took her to North Boulder Park. And while she took off on the bike, Jackie come back and she just sped away with me with this fucking helmet

to the point where I had to chase her. And she's like, no, leave me alone. No, leave me alone. And finally, when I did catch up to her and stop I go, what's the matter? And she spit in my face. And at that moment, I knew that this was not going,

whatever thoughts I had, were fucking confirmed. I have to go away. I have to do something with my life. When I say do something with my life, you did not hear the word getting clean. Getting clean was not my vocabulary. I wanted to do something with my life

so I could prove to myself and to my daughter that I was a good person, that I wasn't the person that they were drawing me out to be. So when the stripper came, she stayed for a week. She went to Seattle. Her first phone call was when I got here, I looked in the paper and all there is is comedy places.

She goes, I walked past the comedy underground. I walked past giggles. And it was like a week of thinking about it and where I was. And the last couple visits with my daughter were not the best visits. Ever since that smack the John's face, it was just, it was not happening.

You know, I was working by myself. She had the mother, the boyfriend, my, her grandmother and grandfather. I had a lot of people working against me at this time, but I wasn't giving them any reasons to give me a chance to be honest with you. So I did the easiest thing in the back of my mind. I was only going to Seattle,

clean up two months, tighten my shit up, maybe make a little money and came back. I didn't even come close. I put away enough money to leave on September 5th. I was on leave like on September 3rd. And then leave Carol up there, which I knew she'd cheat on me a thousand times. I would leave Carol up there

and I would come back in February after football season. But then something weird happened. I used to write her letters. As a matter of fact, guys, I have a box of letters that I found that I made copies of over the years. I went to a, after we went to court a couple of times, we both had to go see like a marriage counselor

and shit like that to report back to the court. And I explained to them my fears about me, my daughter being taken away from me, how little things were starting. And he goes, name one of them to me. And I go, when I was in New York, I would mail her letters and she would tell me she never got the letters. And he goes, well, then do yourself a favor.

Before you mail her a letter, make a copy of it and save them for her. And one day when you reconnect with her, show her the letters with the dates on the letters that you sent them, you know? So I took his advice and this is what I did, you know? And she had said something to me like I sent her, in those days, I don't know what was populist

and type of toy or something she wanted. I sent her a toy with the letter or something. And she said she didn't receive it. This was the seventh time I had sent something and she didn't receive it. It was just getting too coincidental. And then I got a call from John Foxx to book her this comedy underground.

And he goes, what are you doing on Labor Day weekend? And I go, I'll be back to Boulder by then. He goes, oh, it was a shame. I was gonna offer you the weekend at the comedy underground. And I said, can I call you back in one hour? But mark me in, I got it. I just got a double check with a date.

And I hang up the phone. He goes, you have one hour to call me back. They paid $250 for five shows. It was $15 a show to do 30 minutes on Labor Day weekend. The headline, it was Lori Kilmartin, who I still see around town fucking kicking it. She's a tank, she's a beautiful woman. The funny thing was that required thought.

I really had to think about hard for an hour. And that's when it came to me that I was just never gonna be, I wasn't even fucking father material. Who the fuck was I to be a father to a little girl? I wasn't father fucking material. I was never gonna get to be this girl's father. But I only have one shot at my dream.

I only have one shot at this fucking dream. That's it, one shot. I was 33 years old, 32 years old. I had nothing else going on. But I was already making waves locally in Denver. I was already getting high as a feature in Denver. People were paying me at bars to be the guy before the headliner in Denver.

I was starting at 50s and 40s and 65s and 75s. I was already really earning my stripes. I had worked very, very hard to get to where I've gotten. If you talk to an open mic comic, they'll tell you how hard it is to come up with 25 minutes. And now you're not doing open mics no more. In New York I was doing laundry mats and fucking hamburger, Harries and all this shit.

Now I was doing bars in Denver with 80, 90 people with a real headliner that the bar paid 200 bucks during a fucking Wednesday night or a Tuesday night on an off night. So I was just working my ass off. And here I got a call and I had to decide. I said, okay, what I'll do is I'll take the feature week and then I'll leave right after that.

And right after the feature week, for some reason, John Fox came up to the week and watched me and he goes, hey, I just wanna ask you, do you wanna do a Seattle comedy competition? So here I was with another tough decision. What is the case, Seattle comedy competition? It's in November.

You know, I stayed and did the Seattle comedy competition. I took the sixth. Was I ready to go back? I got beat by Aisha Taylor. She took a fifth. Was I prepared to go back to Boulder or whatever? Yeah, I was gonna go back to the holidays. But then I got arrested.

I got arrested in Seattle for domestic violence, assault, you know, some stupid shit at a bar with the strippers ex fucking boyfriend. So they called it domestic violence. How embarrassing that is. And I sat in jail for 30 days and my ex-wife found out about that. I had a call and she had to accept the charges,

collect call. I had Josh Wolfe send my daughter a teddy bear. I had to pay Josh Wolfe to fucking send my daughter a white teddy bear. And Josh Wolfe did it and then I had to call a friend of mine in Boulder to call my wife to let him know that she was gonna expect to collect call from me.

That I was in a fucking thing up in Seattle when she asked me what you got arrested for and I told her, she said, well it doesn't look like you really ever get this kid and she giggled and I knew what time it was. So there was no abandonment at all at no point. I think maybe a month after that I went back to Boulder to visit her.

I booked a plane. I flew from SeaTac Airport into Denver and I rented a car. I borrowed a friend of mine's credit card, rented a car. In those days you could use somebody's card and I went to Boulder and I stayed on a friend's floor and I was there for five days.

How many times I saw my daughter in five days, zero. I would do that every six months and three visits. You know how many times I saw, zero. There was always an excuse. There was always, you have to hire an attorney and start from scratch again. There was always something, there was no abandonment. And then while I was in Seattle at some point

I got a call one day that she's moving to England because her stepfather got a job in fucking England and then I didn't have contact with her and then I moved to LA and that's when we started contact. There was never, never ever no abandonment guys. So before you try to fucking be cute and throw that jab at me, there was never no abandonment. I never had nothing to work with in the first place.

The only thing I had that was going for me was the comedy. And even though my mind was in a dark place and my heart was broken and I was sad, I would force myself to go on fucking stage. And remember the pain I was going through then dug up the pain from my mother. I was living with triple fucking pain and I would still smoke a joint.

I'd cry a little bit, smoke a joint and I would force myself to go on fucking stage. I accepted it for what it was. I finally got a hold of her in England. We spoke a couple of times and then when she moved back to the States it was radio fucking silence. I left a few messages and there was radio silence.

I let her in the mail one day saying that I owed $92,000 to child support. What they didn't know what my ex-wife was accounted. I didn't have a back account. I would have to cash all my checks of the check cash in place on Whitley in Hollywood. It's still there. I knew everybody in there.

I was friends with everybody. I used to go and I used to go behind the glass. That's how much they knew me. And I looked at the bill and it said that I hadn't paid child support in like fucking a year. And my wife was fucking the real deal. She's like, I see you mail the money orders.

How the fuck did she get? Because I was mailing them to a house. I was supposed to be mailing them to some PO box in Boulder that was legit. And then they would kind of check and send it to her. So I was sending her the money. So obviously she said she didn't get the money. She said she had never gotten the money.

Now at that time she didn't need the money. She would have just taken those and ripped them up. I didn't even bother checking the things. We went back to the check cash in place. Said none of those money orders had ever been cashed. So what we did was we got a list of the money orders and my wife drew up an affidavit and we got a note of a republic.

We had to send it to fucking Boulder child services and then they knocked off the fucking 90,000 off the bill. They accused my wife of some shit. And that's what I lived with. But then something really weird happened. I got baseball. I got a couple movies. And I wouldn't call a brag.

I just thought that by this time that would be enough to improve myself to that. That I had changed even though I was snorting coat. There was no rest. There was nothing. I was living in Los Angeles for all they knew. You know, I was living with pain. That's what had me fucking doing glory night

and all that shit was living with pain or what I had done and guilt and then something happened in 2004. I booked the fucking longest yard. And I took a couple pictures on set. Wrote like a two or three page letter. And I sent the fucking letter and I called and again there was no fucking response.

So the dream worked out for me on my end. I got to where I had to go. The only part of the dream was me winning her over at the end. You know, and I hope you guys don't understand this. It's just because I had gotten three or four movies. I could win her over. It wasn't because of the movies.

I wanted her to know that I had changed my life around and I had worked hard to get to where I'd got. But by that time it was too late. Our relationship was damaged goods. And then came another series of more pain and more addiction and more whatever. And then I think after writing about it for a year in journals and notebooks and whatnot,

I finally loosened up the pain and I loosened up the addiction. I came to terms with what I had. And after about two years of being clean, I started taking a route. Now I was the complete person. Now I was doing comedy. Wasn't successful by no means.

But I was doing comedy. I had been in a few movies. I had done the work and I was clean. It was time for me to confront her like a man and whatever. By confronting I don't want no problems. I did not want to stop her at school and embarrass her and again to an argument.

I just reached out. But before I reached out this time, I wanted to confirm some suspicions, some suspicions. So I called a few friends of mine. They referred me to a private investigator. I gave the private investigator retainer and I had him confirm my suspicions. And my suspicions were all true.

You know, even when they had her in high school, they had her living out by Truman University. Wherever the fuck that is. Because that's where she went to school was at Truman University. So they had given out that address so I couldn't hunt her down in Colorado. The first thing the guy said to me was,

they're trying to hide her and they hit her really good. Doesn't have a Facebook page, has a Twitter page, private, no tweets, no nothing. I've send endless tweets, endless whatever. The relationship just went kaput and there was nothing I could do about it. But I wanted to know what I believed in my heart fully. And I wanted you guys to understand

why I am in my heart with this situation. I never abandoned that child. If you know anything about me and my loyalty issues to my friends in Jersey, you know that I don't abandon nobody. I don't abandon anybody. Unless you abandon yourself from me. And that's exactly what she did.

And you guys, when you check my Twitter, I hit her on Twitter every three months. I thought of calling the mother last Monday on the 30th anniversary between you and I. And I said, what would I get from it? A joke. To feel bad or how to say something bad for me to insult her.

You know what? In some situations you gotta let dogs lie. You know, I think the fourth or the second step of AA is to call all the people you hurt and apologize. Till this day, even in my personal life, I apologize to as many people as I could. There's still a few people that an apology isn't really gonna change what happened to our relationship

because I ruined when I did the action that I did. So that's how I live with myself today. I live with myself that I knew that I didn't abandon her. I did the commitment of my child support and I tried. I still remember going to Houston for the first time. And there was a fucking thing that was really popular then. Like a bunch of these little stuffed animals that had them in all different horses.

Beanie babies? Beanie babies and they were rare ones. People were collecting this item and she wanted a specific beanie baby. And Leo tell you, I don't want to get on no buses. I don't want to do nothing. I was so fucking broke as a feature act that I hopped on a bus and went across town

to a different mall before my flight. Just to get her this little beanie baby white horse or whatever. And again, I sent it and something must have happened to it in the mail. We never got it. So it was always something. So I never gave up.

And in my heart, I never gave up. Hey, it's not my fault that a 50 God decided to give me another chance and throw a door to my way. It's not my fucking fault. So I guess the void that was left by Jacqueline is now filled by mercy. My ex-wife got what she wanted. She wanted me to be away from her

and to be raised without me in her life. And for her to raise her on her own with another man to start a family and be a different human being. And my wife got that. And guess what I got? I got the career that I wanted. I got off cocaine and I got it. So all parties involved were happy.

You and I both know that's not the truth. You and I both know that there's gonna be blowback at my daughter, on my daughter. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. But at some day, the skeletons you sweep in the closet will come back to bite you in the ass. They always do.

That's why you gotta check on them. That's why you gotta check on your skeletons from time to time because you don't want them checking on you. So how long can she walk around knowing that her real father is out there? You understand me? So somewhere along the line,

they're gonna pay for this and also because this comes back to bite you in the ass later when you abandon a child. Or you don't abandon a child. You abandon somebody. They don't want me to contact her or they don't. I don't have a restraining or nothing like that. I get on a plane right now.

I know exactly where she lives. I know exactly where she works. I know where she sells real estate. I get on a plane today and stalk her and tell them what I'm telling you people. I do not wanna do that. That would just create more of a fucking, that would just fit into the illusion that they think

this is what they want me to do. To really embarrass myself or her to call the cops on me. This is what they bait me to do by doing what they're doing. Me, I'm old enough to know that sometimes you gotta plant the seed and let it fucking grow. And watch it. Keep your honor, water it, feed it, make sure it has sunlight and see where it ends up.

I know this now that I'm at this age. I wouldn't wanna not be a father now because I wanna go to Denver and stab somebody. All those feelings have gone away. They're long gone. The anger, the frustration, the confusion about all this, it's gone away. I made peace with it.

So before you think you're being cute next time, you throw a message at me about a bandit, Jackie, if you know anything about me, I don't abandon anything. 28 years, I don't abandon comedy. I mean, George Kolodinsky, Timmy Holloway, James V, Askelies, Devo, you know, fucking Gia, Lube's, you know, the Gallows, all these people. It's been 40-something years

and my loyalty still stands to them. I'm very hurt because I don't speak to my daughter. I would love to have her in my life. I don't think we could be that close. I don't think we could repair. I think it would be a slow process, you know, but just to have her call or check in, let me know what she's feeling.

If I could help her out with anything, that would be a great feeling too. But for today, we'll leave it where it is. Why, okay, I understand what you're saying, everything you're saying, but people say crazy shit to you online and person all the time. Why did this one strike a nerve?

It made me laugh. It made me laugh that there's people walking around that, you know, with all the stories I tell on here about being a fiend and finger banging Indians and getting yeast infections and fucking kidnapping people in a trunk of a car, that that's what you would pick. You know, that's the most hurtful thing you could say. 20 years ago was the most hurtful thing

that you could say to me. Not now. When you say a statement like that to me today, like the guy who said it the other day, I told him I would hate to be him because how angry do you have to be deep down inside to make that statement at somebody? Maybe he was having a bad day.

Maybe his wife left him for the Mexican loan more, man. Who knows? But for somebody to make that statement, when we were talking about something completely different, something completely different, he could attack me at 20 different levels. That's the level he thought. And I even answered him correctly.

I said, you know, like I said, I didn't say, fuck you or suck my dick or nothing because I felt that bad for him. I felt that if that's where his head is at, Jesus fucking Christ. It's a Thursday morning. Thursday, and I looked at his profile pic and I'm like, he was a fucking stiff, but that doesn't matter.

Me being that guy on a Thursday morning, I'm not even responding to me. You know, at that age, I'm not even responding to me. I'm going, I'm getting my dick sucked. I'm making money. I'm jumping up and down. He ain't doing that, obviously. He's finding the time to be spiteful.

So it's like Steve's announces or you can do his pray for those motherfuckers. That's all you could fucking do. Listen, it's Tuesday, get your shit together. It's the fucking 17th of the month already. Before you know it's gonna be Halloween and when you wake up, there's gonna be fucking Christmas advertising

because ain't nobody makes money selling turkeys, you know what I'm saying? Halloween candy's already out? Halloween fucking candy's around. I know you got, I know you got, I know you bought it. I got a taste test the first batch, yeah. Sure, just to make sure the chocolate's good.

I know how you are. Just to get my kids. For the kids, you don't want them to get upset? But that's it, and that's that. That's your Tuesday fucking morning podcast or late Monday night. I was the fuck you want to use it. I just wanted to get that out

and let you know where I was in my world because that's what I've, you know, I've been writing this shit out lately because in between the book and the one-man show, for a lot of people don't know, there's Wednesday at the commies, so it's already sold out. The third Wednesday of every month.

I'm gonna go up there. I mean, right now I think I counted last, I think I got something like 40, something stories written out. And I'm writing a book at the same time. And I think I got up to 88 stories that I have to move around and find where they work at this one-man show.

So September, October, November, and December, the third Sunday of every, Wednesday of every month at eight o'clock or 7.30, I checked the website. I will be working out my one-man show. It's just a night of fucking stories. Chronological, I'm gonna mix them around. I got shit I wanna try.

So it's just gonna be a workshop. I really wanna do it at the world famous commie store. What my intentions with this workshop is to get it kind of down by maybe March or April and then maybe put it somewhere in New York City for like a three-week run off, off Broadway. That's what I like to do. I've always liked that idea.

I suggested this to Richard Jenney because he was such a great storyteller. I thought he could wipe, I thought he could fucking pick up Legosomo and wipe his ass with him. So now instead of Jenney doing it, God rest his soul, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is and I'm gonna try the same fucking thing.

Hopefully in a few weeks by doing that at the store, in fact, I gotta call a guy to Leg. I'll pick up a director to help me with a couple things. You know, this first three months isn't gonna be movement of lights or, is that you in the darkness? It's not gonna be none of that shit. This is just gonna be a fat fuck telling stories.

Some are gonna be funny. Some are gonna make you cry. Some are gonna make your fucking jaw drop and eventually we'll put them all together and then we'll fucking put it on off, off, off, off, off, off Broadway and work ourselves to Broadway. All right, together as a podcast and the church family is how you do it.

So I appreciate all your motherfucking support. Again, I had a great time in Texas this weekend. Majestic Theater was beautiful and the Aztec Theater was sensational. It was a taco truck outside the Aztec Theater so they got us three fucking tacos. They were tremendous with salsa and a lot of lettuce. It was just a great fucking weekend.

Listen, you never go wrong in Texas but next up is another city where I never fucking go wrong and that's Chicago, baby boy. We're doing the Chicago Theater. Kate Quigley, Dean Doe Rizzy, we're going in there and we're gonna light that fucking town on fire. Edible juice, vapors. Kate Quigley's gonna show her monkey.

It's gonna be fucking tremendous. Even if I gotta shoot a bottle rocket out of it. We're doing something with Kate Quigley's monkey that weekend. It's over. She's fucking roller skating with a bikini on. We're doing something. You're gonna know we get the town when we get the town. So go to chicagotheater.com, whatever the fuck it is,

Chicago Theater. Do not go to these other companies. Some girl came up to me and broke my heart and fuck whatever. She said she paid $400 for tickets at some place. If you pay any more than $35 for me without the fucking ticket, whatever service fee. Listen, please don't do that.

Please don't do that. I'll be back. I'll be back. You see me on the schedule and improv. Could get a ticket and get a plane and spend the weekend with your lover and come down and make me one of the things you wanna see. But do not pay oversize.

I am not worth $200. It is not worth it. Do not put more money in a scalper's hand than when you're putting in my fucking hand. Why would you do something like that? Do not. I'm telling you right now. When it's sold out, it's sold out.

Don't go to those secondary fucking websites because they just wanna rob you. I don't get nothing from that. My agent doesn't get nothing from that. Nobody makes a fucking dime from that. So either you pay the $28.50 plus the service fee or the $32 plus the service fee. You know, I don't keep my tickets over $35.00.

What they do in Vegas is completely different at the, you know, Vegas, everybody's tickets are fucking $80.00. So whatever Treasure Island does, I'll be there after February 28th. But I'm not worried about that. What I'm telling you, motherfuckers, is next Friday at 27th, Chicago, motherfucking theater. But now to a word from our sponsors.

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Look at their second party, third party lab results for yourself. On the way out of check, I'll have to you buy a bottle of that tincture and put it under your tongue, put in code word church, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 20% off delivered to your house. Again, I wanna thank you guys. I want you to have a great weekend, a great week.

We'll be back either Wednesday or Thursday morning. My surprise you this week. And that's it and that's that, motherfuckers. Don't forget the Chicago Theater, September 27th, 8 p.m. Kate Quigley, Dean Doe Rizzy, who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Kick this mule, Lee. Rick O'Casey, rest in peace.

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