Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #722 - April Macie

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

April Macie, a stand up comedian seen on Last Comic Standing and recently released her special as part of 'Tiffany Haddish: She Ready' on Netflix, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:    Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.

It's Thursday the 26th of September you bad mother fuckers greetings from podcastville The church of what's happened now is brought to you by My bookie listen if we're going on week three week four I don't fucking know if you find the yardstick on the street when you pick it up or would you keep walking? Obviously you bend over and pick it up. So why do you keep picking winners and you're not betting? Let me tell you something. There's no more fucking calling your bookie and talking cold and The gray Cavalier. I got the answer to all your fucking dilemmas my bookie listen

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It works with memory and focus and it's the way to go Go to audit.com right now and get some alpha brain and register Take it into the haunted house. Lee take this motherfucking mule Oh, shit Oh, shit, it's a thursday morning motherfuckers. Let's do this April macy The christ killer Uncle joey

My honey, you need it. I'm gonna give you my love I'm gonna give you my love They just don't do it like this no more They just don't do it like this no more Hold on to love What the fuck you've been April macy. Oh, I've been traveling. I've been on the road since 2006 My face has been on the road every weekend almost I always do that you did a lot of the troops and all that stuff Yeah, I've I've been to 67 countries

Wow Iraq, saudi, kawaii, jabuti I've been to korea four times almost got beat up But by a store owner who accused me being too fat to fit his garments and then ita Ita had to step in and save me from this korean man who wanted to beat me down in his store. Jesus Did you go with steve smone because I know he did a lot of those tours No, I've always done like lady tours a lot of lady tours and you really like them I I do I've seen pictures of you shooting guns and I I didn't hit anything

I was like, oh, what did I hit the guy was like nothing, ma'am. You didn't you didn't hit a thing I'll not forget like when I first met you You know, I mean, you're still very beautiful and I'm bumping into you and another friend of mine and you're like, yeah We're going over there to do tours and I'm like, I feel so bad for these soldiers I brought my tits over they were happy She's a backbreaker, you know what I'm saying Soldiers and we go fucking a wall. It's like that one fucking soldier in apocalypse now when when they landed I don't want to go. I don't want to go

Off the helicopter those are guys when you leave. I'm coming with you. Oh, I would have brought a few back No You kept going. I'm like, she must be going over there just torture me I never banged one. I never banged one, but there was one in a commissary where I was like, oh, yeah, that's the one I'd sit on his face. That's That's the one Are you allowed do they tell you not to I mean, you just don't I don't I don't know if any other ladies did But I didn't want to like sneak off in a base in Iraq with my helmet and my kevlar vest and just pound some stranger

Saved like not appropriate When you do these things are you scared at all anything? I was only scared in Saudi because like when you do Iraq you're on u.s. Military bases and installations They do all the clearance and you're flying in black hawks and there's like dudes that are you know They have a bunch of guns on them But when you go to Saudi you're just like with this Korean dude who's your mwr rep Taking you to downtown riyadh and then I came this some guy came up to me in downtown riyadh And he's like you steal I'll cut your hands off and I was like, oh you can just say that to a whiteface lady

In Saudi so I was a little scared I was a little more scared because you're not not on base and they can't have uniform soldiers with you at all So you're just whatever mwr rep you get You do clubs and then mix in Um, I mean I've traveled throughout I've done like shows in europe and australia and southeast asia And then every state here. I'm always peddling my dick jokes from town to town You've been in every state all 52. Yeah, yeah, yeah all states I think i'm missing a couple

I'm missing hawaii You do all those i've done them all i've done them all you've never done hawaii. No, okay. I did like I've done new mexico, texas Oklahoma I don't think i've been to arkansas okay Done some weird shows in little rock. I did. No, I did a little rock. Yeah, so there you go I did a little rock the funny ball

I think you'd be surprised if you go through and you're like, oh, I think I probably have at some point in your life I knew I was close years ago. I knew there were just a couple states missing but now Because I even went to alaska. Yeah, no, I did alaska, but it was my last one I did some weird theater But I think like some eldebarge cover band was in town and we got upstaged by some weird cover band that Our show is a real stanker. It's a fun town Not that you remind me. I gotta get it. It was beautiful It is fucking beautiful. I want to do some dog sleds and the fish is fucking delicious

Yeah, right out of there was a place right across that grilled fish for you. It was still flapping No japanese people. They were white. They were just cooking big fat dudes Eight fish all fucking day, but I remember that I went up there with a stripper Okay, I dated a stripper at the time. Yeah, this is 95 when I went to alaska 96 I opened up a Todd Jordan. He's still a dear friend of mine And we stayed at the condo, but the big attraction was the strip club there. Okay, because in 95 there was Three women to every one man There was some statistic in those years if you look it up

I think might be the other way around people were moving to Alaska because there was tons of pussy Yeah, and nobody to fuck it And what happens is when the ships come in Those chicks make 20 000 a night Really? Yeah when the fishing boats or the sailors or something just that was the reputation so I dated a stripper and Half the girls from Seattle at that time we were living in Seattle myself Josh Wolfe a couple of us were living up there

And she was saying that just how if you live in Seattle or when I think up and let's just keep it a specific northwest so I don't get fucking You could if you're a young man and you're in shape you get a job on a fishing for a few months for a few months It's dangerous work, but people approach me when I live in Seattle Tons of work make your money and come back. Yeah, you go out for 30 days. You come back with I don't know 10 grand I'm just drawing about that something that you would not make if you worked two jobs here Yeah, you just went for 60 days and you come back and then people would just get addicted It's you know 60 days 20 thousand dollars. You work for 60 days. Yeah, you shit in a little room. You smell feet

You smell ass But you sacrifice you you know, if you watch that show, what's that the king crab fisherman The deadly is catch deadly is catch. Yeah That was an option for men for the strippers in seattle Just wait it out. They would get flown up to Alaska The club would come to seattle and go Give me the ten dollars bitches because they want when the ships come in whoever it Whoever whatever it was whether it was the big fishing boats or the

Service, I don't know what it is. So don't quote me. They wanted the chicks to be ready up there Yeah, you're all horned up if you've been on a boat with dudes catching fish and they have cash And it was like three the strip club was like a downstairs But it looked like an old hookah house Like they would have VIP rooms and then they would stand outside and it was a pretty neat place And I don't even like like an old brothel another strip club. Yeah, it was like an old brothel style But that's all I remember from fucking Alaska. The choco Charlie's just dying I just got some boots. That's all I remember. There were no titties. Just I bought a pair of boots some winter boots

So like As people have been doing in a while for a new comic. Do you guys wish you had spent more time? Traveling any all these places because not many people get to go to every 50 state Like that's like a weird thing that comics Get to do and it doesn't seem that weird, but like Do you wish you had Experienced more of these places or are you just no? I feel like when I I mean, it's if it's a good city If I'm going to some shithole, you're like, oh, I'm just gonna hide out in my courtyard

Marriott and eat snacks off my tits all day But I feel like if you're in a good city you always go and Because most people want to show you around Especially if you're going to a comedy club or you're doing a military thing You're like climbing on planes or they're having you run with That's dark the dogs that drug dogs that bite people like I feel like you're always involved in some shenanigans on the road I don't feel I feel like I've done a ton of shit. Okay. I don't think I've laid down enough in the last 17 years I really like you. Yeah, and I know that when you travel you really enjoy yourself

No, but you yourself have met other people That you know they travel so that they seem interesting. Yeah Those motherfuckers. I don't like I just like travel. I like to travel But I don't I'm scared of international travel just on a personal level. Are you don't trust it Really, I went to Jamaica. I saw the chickens. I wouldn't eat food I start myself in those countries. I don't like is there anywhere like that you would want to go I Love to go to England. Okay. Really. I love to see like Birmingham England. I love to see like the studios

Where they recorded pink Ford albums on zapp on all that stuff I'd love to go to the motherland of Ireland. Okay I'd love to go to israel and go to the wall and pray and meet some hard Jews don't fuck around Um, let me plan a trip for you to ireland in the uk I think I like to go. I got no passport. Remember I got 89 families So I see

All right. All right for me to travel I could travel Okay, but it's gonna cost me and a year of courts and downtown and pay for At the end of the week. How much do I really want to travel? Not not that much when people travel the first thing I say to them is how is the food? You know, England's not England's kind of shitty. I don't trust not People over here. Can you imagine me in another fucking country? That's how I lose weight. I just gobble another country I'll gobble anything. You give me a food cart. You give me a man with dirty hands I'll eat whatever like I never get sick. I see where Anthony Bordain used to go and the chubby little gay dude

I've got each creepy shit You know, that shit drives me crazy. I walk down the street. I see a chicken's leg You're not gonna do it. Different than barbecue sauce. I'm on a plane. Yeah, I'll try I get creeped out by all that stuff But I will tell you my personal opinion on something and whether you agree with me or not I love the united states of america And when I became a comic The thought of going to some places Always like you have these pre disposition like oh, I saw this on tv, alabama

They hate black people and you can't be out after midnight whatever you may think and Today one of the things that makes me the happiest about being a comic Is that before I could look you in the face and go oh my god con last year what were all these jerks off from hollywood good visa Abyssal whatever the fuck these fucking hoops go to Before you allowed to go to a visa. I want you to go to north dakota. Okay. I want you to go to south dakota I've been

You see I'm saying to you. Yeah, I want you to go to You know like northern mini northern minnesota Where people off go fishing and off you that holla holla that fish that they have that special But then they're mad at milk What's what wisconsin? Has a fish and they'll tell you you know to all those places And I had the best times of my life. There was no cocaine involved later on that night I hooked up with the bartender or something

But one of the things that makes me proudest about being a comic Is that I could look you in the eye and tell you this is a fucking beautiful country And the people that live in it Like I went to texas a couple weeks ago in texas people motherfucking texas people Texas barbecue then you go to pittsburgh and thank they got a certain flavor Then you go to chicago and chicago people are alive jack like, you know, they're alive and then you go to san francisco And everybody's kind of weird and hippie-ish so every place has this identity So the country's gorgeous like i've copped coke in south snake river south dakota

The one mexican dishwash we made eye contact when it was all over you know what i'm saying You know how strange is for all love in the night. I knew he was a drug dealer when we make contact He was the only mexican at the south dakota. We made eye contact when he came by and said come on start He was all excited. You're latino. He took me to his house for dinner He was the only spanish guy in like a 12 mile region He got stuck up there because his wife was in the army Okay, so he moved from like new york. He saw me invited me to his house got me weed Got me coke and fenamines

I mean, I still you know, and it's a fucking weird story, but it just goes to show you people Everybody's great around people like everybody has the same set of wants and needs instead of emotions And you want to feel loved and accepted no matter where you go But that's how I feel about other countries other other than the language barrier this in france No, I mean france is a little snooty like I was in paris one time And I asked how far the walk was to the eiffel tower and the woman that She was it was like an expensive hotel. I'm like but you just answer the question She was like I did not know I did not know how fast you walk and I was like, ah, what about this like a medium pace

How long do you think it'll take me at a medium pace you dumb coos like I feel like france is a little snotty, but most places like Mediterranean's very warm italians are very warm. The swiss are nice people like I feel like malaysia was lovely I had a lovely uber driver in malaysia I feel like you have conversations with these people and everybody wants to see their kids do well and wants love and Wants a better life for when you were not in it lia the men handsy They're a little grabby. I heard they grab they're real grabby my friend when he goes on another go there good They're little and he's italian. He was like greece. We motherfuckers. They touch your wife. They always

They're more aggressive And I find because we I own a bar in florence italy with my husband and ours is like the non rapey bar apparently There's like a few rapey bars where italian like older italian dudes just kind of lurk outside and wait for the college students to like Come you know stumbling out find out who's the weak one Wait for it Yeah, that is crazy. Yeah, I didn't know you're on the bar. Yeah, we bought a bar in restaurant in florence. Do you do comedy there? No No, you're like ardi buko's wife. I just sit I just sit and drink I drink a lot more and what kind of food

American fair because there's like 15 000 american students to get lucky bar in restaurant in florence It's just an american bar. You don't have hummus on the menu. No, we don't no We have a fried macaroni and cheese balls. That's why I love this potato skins always stayed with you always some type of pride Fucking polish people are tough. You never seen like the the organization of polish concerned citizens No, no lobbying outside like a bonds and nobles because they sell polish joke books They're just taking a hockey stick to the pad a lot There's a hundred polish joke books. Nobody gives a shit not one polish person has ever raised their hand

No, but black people want reparation Everybody wants a little different joke books and slavery Then life how to change a life while jokes. Yeah It's still the same. They profit it all fucking. That's true. You know Fuck it's still the same every fucking race is suffering I feel like I'll pull it a lot a lot of a lot of alcoholism and polish families I feel like I'm just riddled just chock full of alcoholics in our family strong polish stock

It's crazy because my ex-wife was polish and I was around their family for six years And they really rubbed off on me. They were very influential who I am today the father was self-made I think he went into the army first and he didn't like how he was treated Uh, because he was polish was like the 40s or 50s and he Got out and got a job at fisher price or something and then he went to college. He went to the university of buffalo Because he was so ashamed of how polish people were treated They used to call him dum payas, which means dumb ass or donkey or something like that

and So you could tell he always Went for intelligence like I met him right before I went to prison And he didn't fucking like me before I got in trouble He wouldn't pay attention to me. But I would always read These magazines that he had these air force magazines and he would go take a week. They were great. They were great articles So we became kind of tight because I read because of his love But I got to really meet him and I understood what his whole motivation was

He didn't like how polish people were portrayed. Yeah, and he wanted to change that, you know, and that's why we were laughing earlier He changed his name But we get together with the rest of the family They would hate on that side of the family that changed their name because they kept The kruzynski name or the whatever, you know pat benetize. I have a pollock really Mine's machae check. Yeah, like they're fucking these names are huge. It's a lot. It's a lot of but I really respect polish people because I got I learned a lot from that family. They were first the second generation polish or something You know, I learned all the dishes. I learned the language

That brought my ex-wife had two brothers that were world-class skiers but Just didn't have they were polish. Yeah, they just didn't have the motivation to They'd rather be on a roof and drink. Yeah, that's it. That sounds like most of my uncle's but I learned something from them One weekend we all went skiing. Yeah, and I'm a no-froze type of guy. I don't I don't like looking like something You ever go to a comic show in the comic. It's got a suit on with sneakers. Yeah So cutting edge on a Wednesday. Yeah, like, you know, I hate I've always hated outfits That's why I don't like the hats. They go tea and the earring. I still got the same head. Do I have an high school?

There's no markings, you know, and I got arrested they got nothing They always look for that one scar the knife scar There's nothing I don't need for you to know who the fuck I am By putting two earrings in my eyeballs, you know, do you remember that guy that it was a comic that used to bring his own microphone and he would unscrew and then put like an old-timey microphone for Essentially open mics. You're like, what is this guy fucking dealing with his life? Do you remember that dude? I remember the story, but I can't pick this Dicks just bring his own

Goldfucking microphone for a three-minute spot But I remember my brother-in-law took me We weren't brother-in-laws yet. We were just I was dating their sister And I went to Breckenridge with them one day. It was like a two-hour drive from Boulder or something. I think I don't know And we went to this tournament when we got there all these people had on I swear to god. It was beautiful They had on suits Expensive goggles and the fucking retard helmets. It was 1987. It's 1986 Nobody gave a fuck about a bump to the head then everybody was getting hit on the head now

Oh, you know The next day I can't remember I can't take it no more For 2000 years they've been playing football all of a sudden now. I hear people. I'm gonna shoot somebody I don't know What the fuck they're saying And I'll never forget that it was like, I don't know I could be exaggerating. Let's say 25 people in this competition and they all had expensive gear and sponsored by whoever

My brother-in-law's basically took this sneakers off You know Rufa jeans A t-shirt and a fucking flannel Oh, they put goggles on no no retard helmet nothing Just headed right down joe was his name and then polish is juju. Yeah, if your name is joe juju or something like that So he went up there broke the record They gave him a trophy. He threw the skis in the back and he got in his truck and drove on drove away And he used to drive with a bomb in 1986

He already had a bomb in the car and he would bring a gallon of water He would fill it with He was heavy my brother-in-law joe. I still think about I still think about but all those little things they work ethic. Yeah, they drank all night That's I that's most of my family like my dad my dad's still working I love all that 60 64 and like, you know, I love all that shit stayed with my mom even though she yelled at him every day He's like, all right, I just couldn't imagine waking up one day without my son's you're like, all right It's that's admirable. I get it. Just working just still churning away

I don't give a fuck if you're an alcoholic as long as you're a functioning alcohol If you're a functioning alcoholic, you have no beef with me My mom's my dad doesn't really drink anymore because of the diabetes But my mom's a real real boozer real aria booze wagon just always starts at 10 You hear the cheap beer 10 in the morning. You hear it crack open how old 64 but her mom died of cirrhosis of the liver. So I feel like it's Yeah, they're all real boozy. I can't believe I didn't come out boozy real No, I'm not a real boozer. My mom could put them away jack

From dusk to dawn. Yeah, that's mine. Like a like a case every two days every day and a half my mom's breakfast was uh Tomato juice How the fuck do you exist? Yeah, that's my mom. My mom. Just you hear it crack I'll be sleeping on the couch and like, oh shit. There it goes starting early I Everyone has their thing though. I think everybody does have their thing. It's just uh knowing it Seeing if it becomes a problem. I prefer weed

I listen weed has never been a problem to nobody Unless you go to the fucking top with it and you fall asleep at work or you know, it affects drug tests I I don't even I've never even considered weed To be anything like like anything like since I was a kid like I My godfather smoked it and nothing happened to him. He would giggle So wait a second. You're telling me that something that makes you giggle is bad. He would giggle Yeah, I just ordered a McFlurry a $10 uber eats McFlurry. That's my only guilty thing We're like, I'm just paying for overpriced McDonald's deliveries

Right now I would love especially after my long drug career I would love to look people in the eye And say that I'm sober, but I had a hard time when I was sober. Yeah It really went against who I was for some reason. It just bothered me I did it for a month here a month down. I got locked up. I did it and I could do it It just didn't feel like me. So right now I go, you know what? I don't need pills I don't need this. I don't need that. I like my reefer To me right now, listen, I did like eight bonk hits before I got

Yeah, do they look like I did the eight bonk hits? It really doesn't do nothing to me no more. It's a teddy bear. It's the last piece of my My past I just can't drive. I feel like I just get real weird and paranoid. I mean, so So don't drive. I try to avoid as much as anybody can. I should have ubered here Who was the weed like an Italy? It's not as good. It's shitty and they roll it with tobacco, which always makes me furious. I'm like, why do I need just fucked up? Yeah, the tobacco those Egyptians they rolled the weed with tobacco a piece of ash in it You

With no filter you're going night night your lungs burn, but it makes you tough I feel like I already feel like a real strong sturdy, bro. I've been tough And you've never stopped you uh, I you have a lot of respect, you know Nothing pisses me off one. I'm married. I'm 56. I'm an adult I wouldn't listen. I don't even want my wife to suck my dick. So when I say this I say this out of pure honesty and respect Nothing bothered me more wasn't that dude said that women aren't funny

When people make that statement, you know Because we're all hypocrites when we say that because we all grew up on I love lucy. Yeah. So right there you lost shut up Don't make that statement. I just do not ever make that statement around me I feel like you can somebody can not be your sensibility But if people make like I never understand how people can hate comics I'm like, how do you hate a person who's soul intention is so good and all they want to do is bring joy And happiness to strangers and sacrifice their life traveling around the world and to say a woman's not funny It's like well, she's making she's making people laugh or her somebody wrote her a check her tax returns are an indication that that person's funny

I feel like if you're making money You're making people laugh. So how can you fucking say that? No, it drives me crazy and it's women like you that have always I go look at this bitch, you know Wow, these bitches are complaining that I don't get spots because I'm a female I'm just going back out there. I'm a helicopter in Croatia. Yeah Surround the best soldiers that are dying of fucking torment. Yeah, I'm doing weird shows in slow venial I'm just doing shows wherever I can and that's the proof in the pudding to me

And there's two differences. You're and I don't like to say this, but it's the truth. You're in the hot category So you were handled. I'll take it. You can say it again if you want Well, you won like the sexy comic. Yeah. Yeah, Howard Stern. I know you hosted the avianse, you know So you were handled differently So you and I both know, you know, we all you know the deal you came into the club You're great. We want to help you a week later We're calling you for a piece of ass. You don't give them a piece of ass Then no more no book. Yeah, and there's no more help. What a sad fucking state of affair of a human being you are

Yeah, no, but that happens so much to women And you can't bring another like I find the trouble now is like if I want to bring a friend with me Another lady comic. They're like, wow, we can't have two ladies on show. That's a lady show And you're like, oh, I just have to be alone in a hotel room There's only a few clubs where you're allowed to bring your opener as a woman if you want another woman So you're just lonely Like how can you say a woman's not funny who's willing to be lonely for 17 years? Like I was on the road There were years. It was like 40 42 weekends a year. I know

Like just churning it out every just coming back on monday flying back out tuesday night Just enough time to just enough time to do laundry and repack with where they still could smoke for three Yeah, three shows three show saturdays Three show fucking saturdays. Oh, there's only three places that do that now. Really? Yeah Tampa does it punchline in atlanta does it and st. Louis funny bone and oh and zany's does it st Louis just stopped zany's. I won't do a midnight show. Miami's doing it. It's hard Miami improv is doing it. I think they called three weeks ago. It's it's not I said, thank you, but no It's only an hour and a half. Listen

It's when you've talked for that long That third show on every level on every level. I don't want the consumer to put up with that I don't want the consumer to put up with that again. We're going back to the lord diminishing returns How good is joey gonna be for the third show? No, it's your time. How long is joey gonna be not only is he tied You're tired. Yeah, you're ten sheets into the wind Because you started partying on fucking I went to guns and roses Uh Saturday night

We took me and my wife and I were talking about this and I want to clarify this on the podcast That I was not trying to be an asshole But this is reality This was a girl at the guns and roses concert the other night. It's just started concert just started concert just fucking started she's passed out and this poor bitch Is passed on the count next to me. Okay I took two pictures of and people got pissed off and me go help her

Whatever first officer of my business number two. She had a boyfriend. Yeah, let him she came with a boyfriend What happened was two things happened and I'll explain to you what happened because I've been to a thousand fucking concerts a Either you started getting high too early or b. You know what happens when you go to a concert your adrenaline goes up Yeah When you walk into like a concert that you're a fan of Your adrenaline goes up and after three songs your adrenaline crashes She was passed out. I mean this is guns and roses to palladium. It can't be any louder

It's not like she was playing the fucking login with the guy with the harmonica. This bitch was out And she passed out with her boyfriend and the boyfriend got up and went To another section with other people and left her there And I didn't include that in the tweet because i'm not a crime stopper Yeah, yeah, but she she's gonna get a rogue fingerblasting on the way You don't know what's gonna happen. Listen, you gotta be prepared as a woman today. Yeah with all this shit that you read about Bitch, it's like getting a dui today. You come to me and say dui. I gotta stop talking to you for 90 days

You're a 90 day personal suspension from uncle joey Because I got everything available to you. You can get an uber. You get a lift and get raped. Yeah You know what i'm saying lift is like the bottom of the fucking tier lift will give you a ride for three dollars You're gonna have to blow the guy or You might blow him and not know it till the morning till you you wake up on fucking. Yeah You wake up somewhere, but there's no option to have a dui anymore Not in today's society

We have too many options for you now to get a dui If you tell a bar that you're having they'll figure it out They'll figure it out to get you somebody will get you home. Yes, we do that at our bar. We get people drunk lady across the street They can't they can't continue. So how do you know what the fuck we're talking about talking about that drunk lady passed out And yeah, yeah, and then her boyfriend skedaddling. I have a daughter I felt horrible looking at her, but I'm gonna prepare my daughter never to let her guide down and in front and never get that's what happens

I did that in college at a fraternity party and I asked this guy I was like, hey, do you know where I can lay down? And then he gave me a room But he's like make sure you lock the door behind me and then it was like turns out He was a nice guy like i'm the one chicken college that found the one really nice guy that must have had a ton of sisters And he was like don't ever fucking do that again Don't drink stuff out of the garbage can at a fraternity house the whatever Punch there. Yeah, whatever punch they're making and never ask somebody if you can lay down

Or you're gonna have just a pile of gang rape. We live in some weird fucking times now It's so weird that You could just say something go for the meeting and you're done And you don't even have to get arrested or nothing. There's no proof presented you know I just remember this when I lived in color on 83. I worked with a guy at sport calin He was a general manager that has I had extra cash because I was robbing drug dealers

I wouldn't have the cash in the house in case somebody broke in And one year his father died and he didn't have it's a true story. He didn't have the money to go home So I said take the money, you know We'll figure it out and We always he was always nice to me came back and he did pay me back But about three months later He was a line judge at ski events But he really couldn't tell sport calin the company because it was a conflict of interest

Not that they were doing anything wrong. He just felt there was nobody's business I'm saying some people just don't need to know all your business So he would take off vacations like March 21st through 29th and go to I don't know summit Mountain and judge races or whatever And he went to a bar On a monday on a tuesday if i'm saying this correctly And he started talking to a woman

And they started getting a little cozy, but a girl that he had slept with Before came in And he excused himself everybody was surrounding me. He went with that girl Left and went home with a boom The next day he woke up and went The ski thing That night that girl that he had been talking to that he left at the bar The next morning she went to the cops

And said that she had been raped by that guy What That he had busted into the whole tower room and raped her that night So when they went to sport calin to look for him They couldn't find them and it even looked more suspicious They like he took a vacation. Where is he? He didn't say So the cops knocked on my door and they're like, how well do you know? I go, he's my neighbor. We talked. I mean, he's

I go, what is this concern? They go, wow, he's in charge of them. I go, whatever it is. I'm not Uh, whatever, but he ain't the type of guy that Yeah, it's breaking doors. I didn't know about rape. Yeah, I didn't know about the rape. I didn't know So I guess she positively identified him from because they had no mugs on them He had never been arrested the guy never had a crossing ticket She identified him from the store Like boy of the month type pictures, whatever they do

Cops will look them from kind of no one day. I I went outside and there he was unloading his car I go get in the fucking house Go cops are looking for you for rape. He's like, what are you talking about? I go Did you meet some chick and they told me the whole story and then he turned himself in They got him arrested this chick swore up and down in the bible how it was done The lock, uh, he had a mask on a ski mask. So they raided his house and find the math They did a whole write up in the fucking paper about it About him did they use his name for oh, yeah

Oh my god, they buried him sport cam didn't know what to do Me i'm like this guy might smoke pot once in a while Whatever bling no fucking tree jumper. Yeah He ain't gonna smoke a pot and then climb it and fucking breaking into houses. No, it was too small of a community And you know, they kept and then they the people were like, what are you talking about? He had 800 witnesses He was at a thing a ski Summit for four days or whatever it was. Yeah 1983 guys When he came back, they pressed charges on him rape. She was from texas. They flew her back

She identified him and the whole thing and then he pulled the ace out of the car And he was like, this is where I was this night. This is where I was the night before with this girl And the chick said no, I want to press charges. He's the one that raped me. It was something wild And he ended up going to court Witnesses and I got dismissed but then there was a civil and he ended up suing her Or like defamation all the old something big in texas Yeah for defamation and then

Before they cut the check she came clean and said that She had flown her boyfriend from texas and didn't want the parents To know so the maid had seen him going into the room Just fucking people make up That's insane. It was fucking crazy. That's insane. I don't know how we got to this story. Yeah, I smoked a reef I think it's all started with that woman passed out. Yeah with the woman being passed out. So it's just I don't know. I didn't I didn't take the picture. I took the picture because I thought it was funny that

She's all she was all fucked up by the show and it was the second song And she's gonna wake up on song. I don't know that was the second song. Jesus second song It was late when you posted that. I figured it was the end of the concert. Oh my god No, I kept posting the pictures Showing them guns and roses and I would go she's still out There's a roses a picture of us. She's still out And then she one point she was this way on the couch With her head back and then did the boyfriend ever come back? He came back

Like an hour later and he picked her up and she was like all fucked up and then he just held her and made believe he loved it Like he had been there the whole night. What a good guy Well, but I was in post and picked as being fucking preferred. No, I was with my wife But so I have a friend who like we're both open micers But she is on the road a lot until like sleeping our car And she got mad at me once because I was like be careful Like it made me like it made me nervous to think about A friend of mine sleeping in her car like a rest stop and she's like you wouldn't say that to a guy

I'm like, yeah, because you don't have any upper body strength as a woman Okay, so was it like as a woman comic a female comic on the road. Did you ever want into anything weird or Oh my god, what do you mean all the fucking time every god every god damn I didn't even see from club owners like the one guy in Kansas City On the wig the craig craig laser died. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he used to be like All right, we're gonna let me pop you in the asshole like you just have to deal with that shit for all week for 10 years You have no idea what these women call me so much

So like when I bring them when I bring you guys when I bring you guys when I bring women on the podcast It's because I love you and it's basically out of respect because Nobody has Women have a clue. Yeah, women know what workplace harassment isn't trust me. I'm not sitting being an angel. I've harassed Because when I want to blow job, I want to blow job I'm not gonna sit and be joe angel But as a comic You know

Listen any fucking industry where a woman starts at the low end of the totem pole. There's always an asshole Right, there's always an asshole flop, you know flexing his muscles for this poor woman I'm sure I've done it when I was younger But then you get sisters and you have daughters and you meet women I mean Comic chicks are the coolest motherfuckers if you like I think I like if I'm like if you fought the battle like you'd you'd be fighting every fucking day So eventually you just learned to grow kind of a thick skin and just ass is what it is

You never I mean, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna battle dead craig glazier and stanford and something. He did die He died. He died and I'm sad because he owed me money and then piece He was super creepy But I feel like he had a magic shell heart like he was one of those guys that I do believe the In his parents like for to have three drug addict sons and that dad must have been such a fucking asshole Like I always had a soft spot my heart for him because I was like he was just a fucked up dude Who wanted love and some attention? All of them are gone. All three of those brothers

He died right before my wedding and I cried because he had owed me money And if I had known he was dying he died of cancer I wouldn't have asked him for my money back and that was the one with the wig Yeah, there's a lot of them with the wigs, but he was one of them with a he was he had a really yeah Really bad the king of stank King of stank the wig would stink The sweat would come off him under the wig that clout, you know

listen I do comedy every weekend not every weekend. I do comedy every other weekend on the road And it's very easy for me to take lee or whatever, but I won't I refuse Because I want him To see the beauty of stand There's a whole thing. It's not just about getting on stage if you think it's just about writing jokes and getting on stage Quit now There's a whole culture of the journey of getting better like the journey of getting better the journey of meeting people

The journey of understanding female comics and how they work with you you can work with them or you can work against them It could be a bad fucking week You know, I love women opening for me. You know why because a lot of girlfriends buy their boyfriends tickets for me And then they sit through another idiot in front of me cursing I like to bring a woman so they have something. Yeah, so you know, I don't really like joey But at least I got abroad that's throwing heat up there women are always I think the social planners for most couples Like my husband isn't a planner He just shows up and he puts on his pants and he kind of goes where he's told

But going back to that journey that journey is so important And when I see a comic in LA and he thinks he's having and I know he didn't have that journey that we had I know he's gonna have to pay for it somewhere along the line Because those are the shows you learn the most from like bowling alleys and get to the get to the laundromat and drive This sucks. This is for one out of every 15 That you get really good here. But that journey That journey is the one that you cannot those vivid those nights and you know what it is to take a bus Yeah

From north caroline at the buffalo and Every city you stop and you have to go out and sneak two hits on your joint Get back and get back on the bus Eat a bus stop that stuff comes back later on That's what I look at some of the things I was willing to do like I remember driving I had a show in tola may california. It was like seven half eight hour drive Did my show at this indian casino for whatever little money I was getting drove back to the airport to fly to albuquerque Didn't know that roswell was four and a half hours from albuquerque

And then cried at the rental car place because I was so fucking tired And they weren't going to rent me a car because I thought I was unstable And then I had to convince them that I had a comedy show that I had to get to And then they rented me a car and I just remember power A lot of powering through just to like drive and get it done and go and pick up your 150 200 bucks when you first start and That's all you had I feel it now When I go on stage in the main room

And i'm rocking and rolling up there. I go back. I could say wow i'm happy I did that work I'm happy. I did those Mormon rooms in utah for triple's partner You know, it's such a beautiful journey life is a journey You don't base it on one thing, you know, that's what I like about european shows now It's like i'll do these weird shows and like rica You know croatia or slovenia and I feel like i'm new again because you have to find that language barrier as to what hits with another culture And i'm like, I haven't felt that sense of new where you're like, oh, this is a bar

I'm doing these weird bar shows and croatia And you just not as good as you remember being in the states because there's they just don't understand what the fuck You're saying half the time So you have to kind of figure out comedy in a new way Are you doing 50 50 now? Like is it 50 50 for your tour or are you doing 60? I'm still touring more than i'm spending time with my husband. So but are you doing I'm talking about percentages of state to out of a country. Um, no mostly here like i'll come back I came back for three weeks. I'll go back for a week to see my husband

I'll come back for two weeks. I'll go back for two weeks to see my husband I'll come back for three weeks on the road. I'll go back Just back and forth between italy and mostly shows on the road like i'm hardly in la Just every once a month, maybe like three days to whatever meetings and things I have to catch up with Check my mail How is your experience with Netflix? It's been really good. When did you shoot those? We shot it in march and then it aired august 13 Where'd you shoot that? Uh here in los angeles. That's cool. That's shit

And you know tiffany since the beginning of time. Yeah, she was in my wedding. Yeah, no shit in greece. How long ago? Uh one year ago. We got married september 2nd. So she could afford the greece. Yeah. Yeah, everybody We had a good turnout for a greece 58 people for an internet for yeah Some of his friends his friends are a little shittier than mine. I feel like I got better friends At least friend your friends came out. Yeah, I had a lot of friends. Um, I had 14 bridesmaids Um from pennsylvania from pennsylvania. I had a few of my teachers elementary school teacher friends I feel like I had friends from every chapter of my life my college friends friends I first met when I came out here comedy friends. So I love you to death. You sent me an invite to your wedding

I'm coming. Yeah You could suck my dick you get married at the vfw like the rest of the country come to italy We'll show you around girls in pittsburgh do you understand everybody in pennsylvania gets married to vfw some fire You want to get married in greece? Go fuck you. My husband can't get into the country with his filthy iranian passport I love it. I love it that you you do all these adventurous things your life has really Has been a fucking adventure. No, I forget sometimes how cool it is I I feel like my shitty childhood afforded me a really good adult life Like, you know as a female comic, I think when people also get mad at female comics

I'm like you don't realize what it took to become a female comic like both my grandparents died of aids My aunt shot herself in the face like you don't become a lady comic if you've had a whole bag of normal Like you grew up with homemade pudding and hugs You know you had to take a few a few beatings to become a lady comic And then you get more of them when you come here. Ah, so many and I've seen Listen, I've seen a lot of men come and go but I've seen a lot of women come and go and it's This just does something to you and some of the women don't realize like you're I don't know. What are you 29 now?

Yeah Overies I got like 17 eggs left. Yeah, the ovaries haven't asked for sperm milk yet to produce There's a lot of women. I mean it's just One day at 33 they've been doing comedy for 10 years and they're done rocking and rolling The ovary when the ovaries call the ovaries call, you know when nature calls nature calls No, and I'm not and a lot of women have bounced back on me now What do we have? We have four five chicks that have shot specials pregnant. Yeah, you know No, I want one kid. I I want a dollhouse and it feels unstable as a woman to have a dollhouse

If you don't have a kid, you can't just be an adult woman with a dollhouse. You need you need that baby Hey, I had one at 50. You did and she was 44. Yeah. All right. All right. I still knocked her up at 44 We weren't planning it You know, they were talking about it this morning at the gym now like, you know You did it the right way and I'm like, I didn't do anything the right way Whoever controls this motherfucking world did that I didn't know after 12 years After two years, if I don't get you pregnant, it's loads of hoi I'm just shooting loads and you're still fucking

The midget falls out right or wrong. You shoot a half with it, huh? And then the other half in the toilet when you pee you close it You shut the toilet turn off the light. You come back three days. There's a little sea monkey There's like a little hand Yeah How do you save half of it? Because you shot the other half and mama snatch. Yeah. Well, yeah, so I'm asking you. How do you keep half of it? It's just the back of your dick. That's why you have to pee after you have sex

Because in between the suction your body automatically wants to clean out whatever that she has her dirty badge So you don't get a UTI, you know, it's so weird what people Know about sperm like I don't know how many Like sperm is the we all you need is one little aggressive little guy That's it. Yeah That's it. Now my loads are gallon and a half. You ever see the size of my nuts? You know what the chance is unfortunately half right now. I'm holding like two pints right now. I'm a pint over

I'm gonna think I'll give mama stab in this episode before we pick up yum yum But it's true like one little It's just I didn't know this I learned when I went to prison. They made you watch a film They showed all the black people before you have kids watch these videos and shit because I swear to god It was so racist. They made all the black inmates go to this thing because that's hysterical if you had more than like 19 kids At one point they're like, we gotta we gotta explain to you what happens. Maybe you're not getting this

The reason why you have this was way before the term baby mama. Okay You know, there were guys and then I just can't you know, there's women that Fucking meet guys in jail And we'll give you like a half the hand job and get knocked up all you need is a little bit And the pressure that see what guys don't know is when we're banging it. Yeah, right and we start getting that little ticklish You already You already shooting little platelets of love little little pre-agulatory By the time you start twitching

Yeah, and you pull it out. You're like, oh, we missed it. Well, give her a minute look inside that little hole And you'll see a little teardrop A little spooch a little spooch special. Oh my god. It's a good day. What to a family. It's a family podcast No, I just love the way you describe it. What do you mean? It's getting a little ticklish a little teardrop Yeah, you always get that little jiggle in your legs As a kid you don't know what's going on You thought the doggy style and you and you're standing up you get that little lightheadedness and And all of a sudden you get that little ticklish thing. You already came

You've already pre-agulated it By the time you pull out and you see it shooting in the air and you're like, oh, yeah Oh, yeah, she's already got a little centimeter. That's swimming his way through. Yeah, that's not good. No So after two years, I mean two three years and me date my wife. I did knock her up. I'm like, this is never gonna happen Yeah, so it's Lloyd's a hole. There ain't no pulling out here Shoot it. You're gonna walk a little funny a little squeaky A little drippy. Yeah underwear is gonna be a little drippy in about two hours at work You're gonna feel it slipping out of your leg

A little baby joey with no ears My I need I feel like my husband needs a baby. You're like, uh, how old is your husband? 34 So he's I mean, I've never met a dude where I'm like this dude should be a dad because I've dated comics Where you're like this this guy can't be the father of my child this guy's Weeping in his pillow every night. So this is the first stable dude where I'm like, he needs a baby How happy you're not the one involved with comedies So I didn't know that this is what it's like. Like he'll literally ask me. He's like, what did they do to you?

And I'm like, oh god, I got stories. I got stories about these animals I dated I had a brief affair with a comic for about six months And I think back at it now that was just horrific. Yeah It was just Oh, we were uh, I mean I had a dude who fucked a hooker in my room We had hooked up and then I didn't sleep with him and then He we were in two different rooms in vegas and like he was like, oh ask for my room key And then he went downstairs and got a hooker and fucked her in my room after we made out

So I'm like, I didn't even know that was in the realm of possibilities of shit that could happen And then I just took like a silkwood shower and cried and then didn't date people for like a year and a half after Yeah comics Pretty bad two comics. Just not good. I had a girl rachel came in there wilson And she's like, but you're arguing she goes look at raffi in line to look at I think there's three power couples now, right? rich and bunny tommy christina tommy christina I go that's that's a

Rarity. Yeah, they did it the right way or they plan going on the road You know, it's why I think when you start going on the road together and you're involved together That's when it gets ugly. It's too much. If you if you're a comic and then you become a tv writer And i'm a comic or just a road comic. I think it'll work Yeah, if you have some sort of different thing to pull from some different interests But if we're both road comics you and I both know and you could admit this audience It's there when you date a comic after a while It's there a little bit of a competition. Yeah, of course

Or especially I think as a woman like I've dated a comics where he just I'd come home and he'd still not be on the road And you're like, oh this dude's just sitting on the couch and I'm Hurling my body every week and I'm tired my face is getting tired and this asshole's just sitting on the fucking couch You're like get up go and try to get more work And then they blame you or you would see that's that's the thing that started to scare me When I had my briefing count and this is 98 It was it went from us just just having fun to Why do you get those calls and I don't?

And I'm never gonna be good. I can't have it. I can't have that now my my husband just thinks it's cool Like he watched my special like he's like, oh, it's better every time like it does it really But he thinks it's neat And I've never had that with a dude where there was no level of competition He just thinks what I do is cool and he's encouraging and he believes when I you know He has room to believe because he doesn't if you're a comic and you have to like fight for your own dreams But he doesn't have to do that. He has his own separate thing so he can fight for me to have my dreams That's pretty fucking neat. What's your response been so far from the Netflix? It's been great all positive

There's one useless twat that hated me, but other than that as far as the shows the people People have been coming out and they're yeah, they're coming out which is nice I feel like my numbers went up even in tamp on a hurricane. My numbers were up from the last year. You do side split Yeah, I do side splitters good club. Yeah, do you do it? Do you know I've never done it? Oh, I like it I've only done the improper. Okay. Now. I like side splitters. I feel like the independent clubs It's like I like when you go back and the staff's still the same because at least there's some sense of family You're not as lonely. I think or like the chain more corporate clubs I feel like the turnover is high

Like I know that I go back and it's always the same dude at the bar or the same waitress staff And you like you just know what you're getting there's uh Even that even just going To different comedy clubs and see him like I had a list Like when I was coming up there was a com a comic newspaper called just for last And it came out of san francisco. It was published by john fox and it was a bunch of comics who Put your money where your mouth is you say you want to be a writer write me an interview every week

You went to view you read an article about the state of comedy I'll write an article about this and they put a paper together, but at the last two pages were every club state by state, you know Bama, you know Connecticut and you could just circle the clubs And go something damn gonna play there, you know I don't even know if they have those lists anymore like all the clubs

And you don't really have a list of all the clubs because they all open and shut Yeah, so quickly sometimes, you know Uh, you don't like the chains Oh, I do. I mean like I like I like all of them. I don't really care if I like a club I don't care if it's a chain or not No, I mean, I don't care about that. I just feel like with the staff it feels more like a family like if I go to Zany's and there's You know three zane it's like well burthas is always going to be there if I go to tampa

It's always bobby jute like it's always going to be the same Is burt still there? Yeah, burt's still there still dressing up still has a pocket square still looks fancy Yeah, that's that's what I like though relationship at the different comic club owners and I love featuring I really had a good time featuring. I learned a lot Yeah featuring and I and I embraced it like most people feature Again with the headline you're not going nowhere. Yeah, see might as well Have a beautiful tremendous feature the best you can be

Be too hard to follow and yeah three four years of feature work three four years And that's a perfect spot perfect spot. You're done. No pressure You can hang out by the bathroom and pick out drunk chicks When they go to puke you can rub their back as they puke and help them Come on. I got a room to put you in like that trap We ain't locking the door, you know You know, it's just it's a different Attitude you're just going in to be a killer and some headliners your friends with

And some are just dicks. Yeah, and some on the borderline and you get to see different comics And who what type of comic do you want to be like? You know like one of the memories that sticks out my mind today big time comic Opened up for him in Dallas. I went outside And there was a huge line and I went back and I go, you know, there's a huge line out there for you Fuck those assholes Why If I ever had lined, yeah

I would definitely be out there, but this is way before pictures. They just want to shake your hand and meet you He didn't want to meet nobody I don't understand that if they're coming out you have to forget Like I feel like people forget that the people that come to comedy shows That might be they might have three kids that might be their entertainment for the next three months They might not get another break So how dare people when people are paying for two tickets drinks, maybe a babysitter gas prices That might be their most expensive evening out

As a family like that's their date night. So you you're there to entertain them That's a bother me about two show nights. Yeah, especially from me. I don't like two show nights anymore No, just one not because now I do like Either comedy clubs or like medium theaters. Yeah So sometimes they add a second show and Like new york sold out in june for december. I'm from jersey. Yeah, it's gonna sell out. So Yeah, the second show, but I don't like it because the theater doesn't want you going out Because people trying to leave and then people trying to get in

And then they're trying to take pictures and now you have this madness Like no walkie. I did 420. I felt terrible. I did two shows. I should have done two shows And that's what like this week. I'm in chicago. I'm doing one show. Why I want to sit there for an hour afterward And chat with people and take people I don't sell merch Yeah, I don't sell merch because I don't want to take them for everything they got I rather them come up to me and say, hey, I didn't like the podcast with you and lee or The podcast helped me or now I booked a trick ticket to florans Because april macy's got a restaurant there. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, so I don't want there to be a gap between us and them

Well, I think that's all they're looking for most of the time It's just a human connection and I like that's what kind of stand-up comedy is You have like a group think mentality where people come in and everybody's not kind on the same team to enjoy their night So when I shake your hand and take a picture of you, that's a completion of the circle That's a completion of feeling connected to you That's it. Yeah, I put out a podcast you listen to it one day. You made a comment I replied to you as a gentleman and now we start a little dialogue in between us. We're not best friends But we acknowledge each other on facebook and you put a picture you ugly kid up

I'll say If I put a picture of my ugly kid up you'll say yeah, and you really you really Human interaction and then all of a sudden that person will say to you. Hey, I see you're coming to Chicago I live in whatever i'm doing the two-hour drive and you meet them after the show and you shake their hand And you give them a hug and you take a picture. It's two minutes and people are happy and that's it It's the people that come in and go can I ask you a question about joe rogan get the fuck out of here Can I ask you a question about episode 22 of the podcast? Listen? I just did an hour on stage

I don't know about it. Yeah, you know, yes, I got a guy. Can you leave a message on my phone? I go, why would I want to do that? I go if I do it for you, I gotta do it for everybody else because I won't tell nobody except the people that call you you fucking moron You fucking idiot. I go, you know, I don't want to do cameo. I don't want to do none of that shit But I want to meet people who listen to the podcast I also feel like sometimes there's audience members that you do really connect with like in tampa There was this couple's in a racial older couple They were in their 60s and then they would come every time I was there and then

He got sick. He had brain cancer and they weren't there for a few years And I remember when they came back because he got well I cried. I'm like, oh my god frank and and jr. Back And there was something like so human about it. We're like, oh, I'm so glad to see these audience members because I had wondered Every time I'd be like, I wonder if they're gonna come I wonder if he had passed away and to see them back in the audience was so satisfying And to know he got through whatever illness he had had and they were back to enjoying life So you're like, well, that's nice

It's fucking i'm still in awe just seeing you because I hadn't seen you in so long It's been years and I look at you and like do you remember you walking in one night? Yeah, like a little hat on You wore like some little fucking uh I think it was like a french store this Little pants on, I used to put on some fucking tremendous outfits I'm like, this chick's got the balls of a fucking elephant. I didn't know I've always dressed like an asshole. Oh, no, you look beautiful I just I just always love your style and how you uh, it's great to see that you're still out there doing your thing Oh, what else can I do?

No with a comic anymore. I got no life skills. This is it. This is the only thing I've ever been cut at What now look at me. I dropped out. I went to university of florida for two and a half years And I was pretty fucked up. I mean, I I had a bad weird childhood So everybody died and then so when I was 17 My parents never let me do anything like I was not equipped for life at 17 My dad was snow. No boys. There was a lot of like snow boys. And then I was just Gobbling wieners Yes, it was forbidden. So I'm just gobbling dick meat for years. Do you think that's uh,

Just because I have a daughter I think if you're really overprotective like boys weren't allowed to call my house My parents were married really young and they had me young So I think they just tried to prevent me from making the same mistakes they did But in doing that if you tell somebody you can't have tangerines, they're gonna want to fucking rub tangerines on their face It's the same if men are forbidden You're like give me all the and I had abandonment issues from A lot of deaths, but then I was just gobbling wieners a lot of deaths like my grandparents died my aunt died

Like I just dealt with a lot of a lot of tragedy as a kid So I think when you have abandonment shit and it's forbidden. It was like the perfect combination To just take all have all the dicks Just collect them. Don't do it. Don't be overprotective with your daughter. Is there We'll be getting I come from a different world April so I'm very like I know what the world is about. I know who's out there My wife is a little bit on the whatever side I don't fucking play, you know, I'm raising her to

Be tough what two and two is when we do the podcast We do a 15 minute podcast. I make a read our homework assignment. It's 10 minutes But the other 20 minutes. I'm just talking to her. Yeah, I'm just saying little things to her just so she knows I write every journal every day. I write You know in the journal what I'm feeling. I just started writing about my life, you know, it's really sweet But I went to prison. Yeah, I don't want so many times on the wrong shit. Yeah, you got it from the horse. It's not it's on paper And this is my second notebook. So Hopefully when I die, she gets the fucking notebooks and she learns the truth. Oh, that's beautiful

Before some Jericho says well on youtube He said he robbed a jewelry store. I got the proof here fucking Jericho It wasn't a jewelry store. It was a liquor store. You dumb fucking. Yeah, but that's really it's really sweet I think that because of my exposure To I've been exposed to You've been exposed to a lot of fucking things that you went home and said wow What happened here? What's wrong? What happened? Yeah, what happened here?

When you're especially when you live in LA And you see how people act and you see the things that people will do for fame Or just for a little bit of success You have to ask yourself what happened here, you know And like I said, I've been a lot of I've only been with like one comic maybe two or something like that sexually But I have a lot of comic friends. There's women and you look at them and go they're my friends I got there back no matter what But something happened something happened. It's got nothing to do with me. I'm not gonna ask

I don't I don't need to do an intervention. I don't need to be that much of a friend, but I know that Well, I think any anybody that requires that constant stream of validation It's it's not a normal thing to want to need like the constant nightly adoration And love from somebody so you're like, well, where didn't they get it early on during the formative years? Like why do you I mean? I know for me. It's like I obviously didn't have enough love growing up So now I need it from everybody I meet Every audience every every fan You want that adoration? See for me? I think I had a parent

I had a mother and a stepfather who were an audience Trust me. I always had an audience. Yeah, like I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I wasn't loved I think with me My comedy comes from the same place where your comedy comes from And it's from being pain and having to talk yourself off a ledge all the time You know, that's like, I'm very good at talking people off ledges Why because I've been years. I talked myself off of the ledges You know, what's a ledge Joey a tough time in your life when you have to make a tough decision

When some people just fucking tie a knot Some people jump off a building No, and I feel like that was my escape and plus it was the escape from my parents Like I feel like our house was so filled with sadness That like I was the pressure valve where I could like if I could get a laugh out of somebody Like you didn't see that in the house Like if when people have AIDS when people are like have mental illness Like you're constantly dealing with all of this pile of shit

If you can get somebody to smile in their day So it was so satisfying early growing up getting laughs out of my parents because I don't think they had A tremendous amount of happiness themselves. So I think that kind of trickles into Adult life now people have hard lives. That's why I think you see comedy or people write you The most satisfying thing is once people like I haven't laughed in months To know somebody else was going through something tragic and they connected enough with you Paid their entertainment dollar and you gave them a little release from that pain for a little bit I think is a really beautiful thing

Everybody's just like comics Where can these savages find you just april macy.com April macy on social media mace they can find me on tiffany haddish presents. They ready streaming on netflix and Just driving around town. That's about it. I'm happy you didn't jump off a plane. Oh, look at thank you would have jumped off Oh, I was gonna do that today. Did you see them? No, no women showed no no me and Ida. Ida and I were gonna do that today We're gonna touch you. They were gonna land first and lay on their backs I'll wait for me to fall on their dicks

All of them. They were all gonna lay and see who got lucky We're gonna get like a raffle ticket by connor. See who got lucky and shit You see where they're going? Oh, it was like jim jeffrey. I saw them all last night Chris paul and jim jeffreys martin morano Titus and titus go. I don't think I didn't see titus in the picture. I didn't want to go I felt like I need to get past beers in my life. She's like what time are we doing it at one o'clock the only problem is I have mercy has Whatever the fuck

adorable Yeah, I was gonna jump out of a plane So it was uh, I have to get over there But you were like, I'm gonna jump out of a plane. I was like, no, no I like what you said you want to sell tickets So you come and do this if you want to be in the if you want to jump out of a plane join the fucking air force You get mad at you for riding a bike. There's no way he's gonna let you jump out of Yeah

Because I'm so scared. I wanted to do it. Did you yeah, no, no I want to get past beers in life. Like I feel like I know I do the same thing certain boundaries that like keep you held Hold you back. I'm like, well either I die or I've just worked past a fear next I'll get into a tank with a shark or something It was funny because this morning I was thinking about when I went on Because I went I got up school breakfast And then I went somewhere then I got back and I went on twitter and I saw the pictures So I had to go to the bathroom and when I was walking to the bathroom

I was thinking about What the fuck would happen Like I would love to jump off a plane like I can't believe I said something to her About going on a plane because well, I didn't see I to eat the sites. I knew so well, we were gonna do it together We were kind of two lady hand holders And I said, you know what that's something I always wanted to do. I just I gotta do it with the right people. That's why I felt like the golden nights. I feel like if you're gonna jump you might as well jump with Army dudes who are jumping all the time. Oh, did Bronston Jones do that? I don't know a couple p

Yeah, one twist. Yeah, I think Bronston he did with the army. He lost a little bunch of weight over the past month Oh, nice. He didn't pull the fucking uh, lee on the zipline You lie to the people with the zipline the same thing they make you wait. God damn it Don't be bullshit. You know, that's been telling me real quick before we got some time. You have any dates coming up? I do. I'm uh this weekend. I'm in uh with tiffany hattish at the indiana university auditorium with eid and shantae I'm at rooster tea feathers in sonny veil and then i'm at penguins and then Is that fucking place still open? The same account there. I don't know the one that was flooded. Yeah, I don't know. What his name is he was uptight

He didn't want to pay jeff johnson. Is that he's still there? Yeah, I think so. Oh my god, send them my love Uh, I will be in chicago this weekend at the chicago theater. There's still a few tickets left october 11th the uptown theater in kansas city And denver the second show's been added at the paramount Tickets are still available real fucking quick. Let me just mention the sponsors and I'll get you motherfuckers out of here All right, the church of what's happened now is brought to you today by upstart Most of us find out the hard way that getting into debt is easy Getting out of debt is hard, especially if your credit cards if your credit score isn't great

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Catch me on instagram on my for it mad flavor world Now you like that cock suckers. I love you motherfuckers Don't forget honor is running the contest 30 count 90 count alpha brain or the powder you get a raffle ticket Details on monday for all you motherfuckers. I love you. Don't forget to support april macy. She's A fucking savage. I got none but respect for her. She's hung in this motherfucker She's thick and thin. She's taking slowed shots to the face. He's done it all

She don't give a fuck. She still shows up to the dance. I'm very happy You were prettier than ever You're always welcome to visit us here Thanks, and for you motherfuckers. I love you. I'll be seeing bobblingus and josh from 10th planet And all by boys friday in chicago the chicago tita eight o'clock cake quigley and dean del rail be there Fucking around so i'll see you cock suckers then have a great week. Have a great weekend and i'll see you For rasha shana happy rasha shana to the jewish community. I love you guys and don't forget 1 800 gambler Kick this fucking mule

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