Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #723 - Ari Shaffir and the night before Sober October

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Ari Shaffir, comedian and host of the, "Skeptic Tank" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Check out Ari's double special, "Double Negative," on Netflix. This podcast is brought to you by:  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. Onnit.com - Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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We got the fucking ultimate Ari Shafir Now the Christ killer at least I had happy Rosh Hashanah to you motherfuckers An uncle Joey here to the old-school Iron Maiden Happy Rosh Hashanah to you motherfuckers uncle Joey a direct if you came to the Chicago show at the Chicago theater I love you at all my heart. Thank you very much for showing up if you went to any of your favorite shows in Brea This past weekend. I thank you very much for supporting us. Yeah, thank you We love that you got our backs and whatnot, but it's motherfucking October. I heard that Chicago show was nuts

It was great. They were great. The theater is a great theater. I didn't completely settle out But it wasn't about that. It was about fucking doing the good show. Yeah, I only booked that so all my energy went into that How was it? It was tremendous. Yeah, you know listen, that's very fortunate. Yeah To still be in the game. Yeah, never mind selling a ticket or two. We're very fortunate One on a cruise ship headed to fucking Norway Cracking jokes for a bunch of people with coupons, you know, I'm saying so I give thanks every morning when I wake up And I know you do and Lee does we're very thankful You know, they even be a part of this fucking machine. So yeah, I don't give a fuck about be having hard of Louis CK

Amy Schumer, I'm just happy to put along be a dad Do a podcast twice so we can talk to people like you we go to the store on Tuesday nights It's like a little fucking mafia reunion It's where they're now I'm surprised the cops don't raid the joint on Tuesday just like the old school days Yeah, you gotta get all you kill is out of this fucking place. You guys all want it You can't commiserate you're gonna share fucking secrets about Netflix and shit What's going on my man, I don't know what is your point where there's for sober October What lay it out for me? So no drinking no smoking. I know sucky. No fucky. What's going on?

Yeah, nothing nothing nothing and I don't know. I don't understand It doesn't do anything for for fucking Bert. I don't understand what we're doing anymore. I Hate it Why do you hate it? I cuz I hate it Joey. It's a time of a comment Jewish people love that shit. They take a week off. It is the body around the time of the tournament You don't get her so it's a time of atonement take the month off If I wish if I could do it. Yeah, I would do it. What is that? What does that mean? What does that mean if you could do it? I'm not strong enough to do it. I

Don't like rules like yeah, I mean either made me. I want to do stuff when it comes up What made me go crazy when I was in the halfway house was the rules you telling me I can't do it If you just say Joey knock it off for a few days Yeah, I can knock off weed for three four days. Well at this point my life. It's become a teddy bear It's become something that I do in the morning to wake up and eat and it's not that I smoke bottle all day I don't give a fuck about 420. I don't give a fuck about the movement I've been smoking dope before the fuck that movement So first legal everywhere and I don't smoke vapors. I don't do nothing. I don't want to burn nothing with a blowtorch

I just want to smoke a fucking joint of paper Speaking of which what happened to that joint? So you hide it over there. Why do you try to hide it on Russia shut? I know I'm Russia shut. I know that's what you want. You want me to like it? No, I want you to okay Look at it like it's a museum. Yeah, I want you to fucking like it What's going on with you dog? It's good to be here dude. I've been in the hell of Mexican food Like every day is a taco truck by Simone's I go fucking nuts It's either that or in and out every time in the way home. I'm getting fat out here

There's no good Mexican like that in LA in New York. I mean, I'm getting fucking bad So is it weird that you're not walking? What yeah, yeah, maybe a little bit too for sure And you believe it's gonna be 93 degrees in New York tomorrow. Is it really 90 degrees or something like that today? Yeah, it's supposed to be 90 fuck yeah, that's why October is so fucking nice I've got a huge snowstorm And fucking Montana. Yeah, well fucking a foot now for snow when you're here Can is it the truth like you can't even understand how people could be under snow?

Like you walk outside in shorts, and then you're like you see on Twitter people like this this place covered in snow And you're like what? That's not making any sense. We're from the East Coast and maybe it's different like it to me It's weird when I see them at 60 degrees wearing like beanies and winter coats It is cold air, but that's what's weird for me. I'll tell you what was the problem. I was telling my wife to stay out there We are as much as we hate to say it living in California Except for the traffic and the food. We are completely spoiled We walk out of our house eight days out of ten and the sun is fucking just gorgeous gorgeous

Just gorgeous. It's not it's something that you cannot even describe. Yes, it's expensive to pay to live here. Yes There's traffic. Yes Gases four hours a gallon. Yeah, but hey on yeah on the worst day You'll never freeze to just outside. No, that'll never ever have her. No, no No, I mean it gets hot here like September is the hottest month. That's it It's all downhill after tomorrow tomorrow is a hooded sweatshirt. It's already starting to get cold Oh, yeah, it's cold. It's gonna get cold at night last week. Keep a hoodie in your car But do you ever look at the weather out here? I don't look at the weather. I don't think I've ever

Know we take it for granted. I lived in two of the best places on the country I live in Boulder, Colorado. Yeah 13 years and I've been here for 22 I'm pretty fucking damn fortunate smoke the thing up. I am put away You're sitting there like it's a bug. You're looking at it smoke it smoke that fucking thing It's the last night of almost all this by myself. Okay, that's a boy. You need to smoke much good for the lungs Haven't done dick people asking us to get high and I tell him we don't want to do it no more He gets bronchitis. He brings cough drop. I think it's just as money at a place Speaking of which it's time for another edible. No way. I already took so much more than I ever showed up

How many points did you take tonight? That was up to that was that was not that was so many Hold on we did not five ten fifteen twenty twenty a lot. What's five? What's five points five points is heroin and a line of coke you your tolerance? Your tolerance is crazy nobody let no coke here. Nobody let no pop we did a couple fucking tootsie roots Because we don't need people to know what we did and it gets out a great vine of blood just note that we did something all right How much of those count for they were about so many I'm saying if I did a half a nootsie noots that would be too much I You ate two or one two of which ones the edibles the other thing the edibles. Oh, okay, so that's not tootsie roots

Oh, that's an edible. Okay tootsie roots is big farmer. Oh, okay, so we did some pills from the big farm But you don't need to know what they are. It's only you said don't tell anybody No, no, no don't tell nobody nothing Right now what did they take what did they take it's only a bucket Illegal as a motherfucker. Oh, we couldn't get the dunking dust. You cannot know I couldn't get there fucking I wouldn't have done the coke, but you know, yeah, I'll bring it. I'll get it. Yeah, I mean I get it I've left it behind that picture of Lee for years. Yeah, just hit that picture. There might be a coke Open it up. So you say it's the high coke behind there and shit like that if the cops from they find the buying leaves picture

There you go What's behind there see what that is? Oh, no, what do you put behind there? What is it It's a check for a lot of money to Lee from February Oh my god There you go, there's always something It's just going on here, you know many times I lose least check yeah My wife will leave it on the thing. I lose everybody's check and not even in like a Jewish way

How'd you lose it back there because I just left it there for him and I forgot to give it to him I don't want to leave it on the table. I probably forgot it. I told my wife So you don't know how many things I lose and fine. I'm an old fucking man. Let's get down to the basic I'm an old fucking man I've been fighting shit lately. Yeah, I even forgot I had that little tin of Altoids I found that then I swear to God about three weeks ago I was going through my closet and I found the jacket. Yeah people with roots of game They send me a bunch of great t-shirts and stuff and it's like, I don't know what type of jacket. It's like a mom

I'll eat jacket and I saw a baggie sticking out of the pocket Three or four different pills and then there's an out toy thing in there with these fucking other pills So I called my buddy and I asked him what those pills when he told me what they were I knew what the other skinny white ones were. Yeah, my buddy always gives them to me when I go to New York He's gives me like that. Yeah, and I put them in a pocket. I forget. I even have the shit Like I just forget. You know me fucking containers a week today

I went for a notebook. Yeah for the one-man show and I found that a fucking That'll kill a normal human forgets. They have Louie in their house, I just forgot for like seasons It was still fresh. I had to put it under the heater But I forget shit or The time you ever find something just like where did I get this from I got it if I can make a memory I'll know if it's DMT or MDMA Oh, no, I still got the Molly from the other day. Do you know?

We still got the Molly. We're gonna snort this tonight. You're gonna be squeezing your own titties Let me tell you something. You'll be rubbing yourself down the whole thing bubble bath When you gave me this yeah, birds. I took it home. I put it in the drawer. Yeah, just a drawer Let's pretend tonight when I went looking for it while I was looking for that. I Found three other things. I found like a another orphan pill. I Found like fuck. What's that? It's candy. What kind of just straight candy. Just delicious candy. We'll give it to me It's so sweet though a candy's usually come in those small bags You want some candy with a boy?

Do you ever get nervous that you're gonna forget something in a like an airport bag? Ace just randomly. Oh dog before to get the rolling papers. I went in my suitcase And I have a baggie that just has like Shit an extra tube You know just in case something breaks down a strap in my sleep apnea mask got next to brush You know, it's just stupid shit extra. We call those things for your phone. What? Charger yeah, I got fucking video charge. I got everything in there, you know, and I found fucking weed It's the best two grammars are fucking this great weed. I was wondering what happened to it

This weed I took it on the road and I rolled it in joints. I was having heart attacks outside I don't know where the fuck I was Chicago Dallas. I think I was in Dallas when I went to Dallas I brought this weed. It's been in there for fucking a month So what are you taking it with you? What do you got there my friend? Oh? Shit, this is normal how candies how many points is that this is How many points have we done how many points for a bomb here one right? Yeah, at least one one Yeah, so we eat with two and then we share the joint. That's three. Yeah, and then what else we do? Yeah, two two two two two roots count before five six four points apiece, right the two that's eight

Edibles are like three. No, no, no six There's was no way cuz no one's gonna take 200 milligrams off your lid. Yeah, no, that's let me check Yeah, 200 milligrams is big points on that. Yeah, I think it was one point for 25 milligrams One point for 25 milligrams. Yeah One point for 25 milligrams Yeah, you want to snort this Molly Lee, what do you want? I don't know what that is both or whatever I Believe points

Dude, I've done more drugs this year than I've ever done You left animals off I did leave animals off because it's all about the tolerance for edibles So if one bowl is one point has to be at least be a point of milligram, right? I'm a point every five milligrams One no way every five million every 10 milligrams for you 50 For you a hundred I get a hundred mil. Okay one point one point. Oh, no, it's there. Okay 50 That's fair. I guess that's two four points

What are they well, what are his points his points need to be adjusted then three points Because they don't do nothing to me. They don't do nothing to you. You would just load up. It's gentlemen's game. Yeah I'm eating listen. Let me taste it. I started with this no no leave it there for the roaches. Yeah fucking eat it first off This a bx extract. Oh, that's good. I love these out. Yeah, it's like the best edible. I've eaten years You know why why it's clean Bobby? There's no sugar. There's no cookie. There's no brownie. You know what hangers when you drink booze It's not the alcohol. I get you know, it's the sugar Is that true? Yeah, it's the sugar like when you drink you ever go out and drink like menu clout is one night

Get a habit the next day you wake up feeling like that. Yeah, you got a headache from the hangover But you overdose your body with sugar like when I would go to Miami. I would drink those cabs. Those things are all sugar So we were eating edibles. Jesus Lee and I were eating two cookies a night You're gonna be a fat fuck and then eating a fucking like tonight. I feel bad for what's in my kitchen Everything's going Two of these you're eating everything. Yeah, you start with apples. You try to be nice You start with apples next thing you know, you're in peanut butter and saltines and catnip It's a fucking nightmare. Oh

Yeah, fuck it. We're crushing the points tonight people So bucktober starts to tomorrow. It's Monday the 30th whatever the 31st. It don't matter We're going deep. There's a real all-hulls eve. Okay, fuck Tonight's the second night of Rosh Hashanah. What usually happens So same thing pray forgiveness you get got buttered up Russia's when you get got buttered up He opens the books from Rosh Hashanah and then he's like thinking about it for about 10 days And then you don't keep poor he fucking closed them. So right now is when you're like, okay, remember we've been having a good year You know now you start asking forgiveness from everybody. Hey, don't let it when it goes judgment time

You forgive me for everything. I've done to you and we're gay Same like same. Yeah And then like so God's like all right, take that out take that out, you know And then he just judges you for everything. So you're the whole time. You're like, come on. Come on. Go easy on me Please please. I love you, you know, and he's like, all right And then by the Yom Kippur, boom, he's shut and then that your fate is sealed for the year I love that. Yeah, nothing nothing. I love more when somebody tells you History or religious and they put it into their own words and they put a humor to it

Yeah, like what really fucking happened like I had a buddy that that was a specialty He knew everything about everything when it came to history So when he'd tell you about my car during this he would tell you in a comical way and it made more sense Yeah, yeah, yeah, what a fucking professor tells you with that fucking dramatic voice during class But that's pretty interesting and this new I watched your 20 at the story and that it's very Oh, it's all that stuff Jewish. Yeah, it's very like, you know, yeah Well, a lot of people haven't been down this the last 20 is very interesting. Yeah, I try to do it Like you said like a normal way, you know, where it's just like real like this is really what's happening

you know Not like you have to say this prayer, but like it's pretty much just like come on go easy on us It's like, you know, we'll talk that's really what it is Hey, when you're in new york and they Jews come up to you a little on the hard side and say something or they love it They love it almost always. They love it once in a while. They'll say something But usually they love it and if they say especially the religious girls I see the girls in the wigs and they come out and I keep an eye on it when I'm going up in New York in Manhattan There's frontier Jews the frontier Jews come out

Those are like top of the line like I'm not supposed to go here, but it's not illegal You know, so they even have the fucking all the things and they'll like I'll go out to a comedy club you know And uh, and so once in a while, I see him and then I wait for him Especially the girls when I talk about the girl stuff. They die laughing Because somebody's finally including him. I think you know Yeah, but once in a while people are like, uh, don't you aren't you worried about them coming after us?

Like that's really cool. No, I thought some people would every every 20 shows Yeah, there's got to be one guy after a show that says maybe yeah, maybe probably that Usually though if I get walkouts is because I'm too dirty It's usually that How often do you go walkouts? I don't know sometimes you remember people are like, they're not even angry They're just like, this is just not for me. This is like a lot more fucks I thought they go in thinking probably one to zero fucks and then once four minutes goes into the opener They're already like, oh my gosh. Who's the person you've ever seen the most walked out the most walkouts

Dice would get a lot where at the store at the store people were just like Yeah, I loved it. He loved it. He said he got walkouts in his Vegas shows People like that's it's only for him, you know, he's not like popping in people are still like, I didn't know it'd be like this I think you gotta get a couple walkouts or you're not doing your job a couple you can't be for everybody, you know I had a lady say something to me in Chicago. Yeah About a joke I say about fucking what's the name Rose McGowan. Yeah, she goes, you know, that's not an appropriate joke You know I'm done with

That bothered me last week the thing about that kid was signed on right now Not that it bothered me for the but I didn't bother me or anger me It just bothers me about the future comics now And what they're thinking and what they're being what's being said to them And how that's really going to change the face of comedy of people who just really want to go up to and say something Yeah, they in LA times came out that circulated On twitter and facebook. I read what and they spoke about the comedy store and dog. Let me tell you something

And Ari knows on sunday nights. I had intensive talks with missy sure I used to have Intensive talks. Yeah Yeah, I mean it's at a time and it was horrible between because there was a comic on stage But she talked to me and she told me She called it like fluff or something. She didn't like it. She wanted you to be yourself Yeah, she wanted you to say whatever the fuck you want to say Nothing was taboo up there

I mean remember watching kennis in the first time and going wow. He does that joke about the fucking people live out in the sand And he's like, you know, we're humanitarian. We try to help you. Why don't you go somewhere where shit grows? You're in the fucking desert You know, you know He does something that is just even I was like wow Wow

That's what she wants Missy sure wanted ruckus Missy sure Yeah, she liked ruckus. Make sure she sure Wanted you to create ruckus If you watch kennis in like that You've never seen that about The sand won't you grow?

Once or what? Go ahead, please It's we're gonna hold off. I think what gives a fuck With some video about the sand something about doesn't grow here That we give him them a lot of aid Who? Oh, it's kennis. Oh, kennis. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got an idea go to where the fucking sand Don't go where the sand is all that shit. Yeah, that's to me. That was the most taboo shit I ever fucking heard. Yeah that and richard prior was it something I said was the biggest crazy

Really crazy shit. I've ever heard Jesus on the railroad depot When he told Jesus not to go down there messing with them jews without no money I heard that in 72 or 71. I was a kid. I almost died Don't go he goes. I made I met jesus down in the railroad depot I told that motherfucker don't go down there messing with those jews without no money That's a fucking funny fucking joke So like how do you or I guess maybe doesn't matter but so if you if you that if that works at the store

there's a lot of clubs where They're gonna go they're gonna freak out if you say something like that. No, they're not Because let me see sure one for me was to keep working on that bit So when you do go on the road That joke comes off just like you're the original Right now the training I did the last year after my netflix debacle which I said a thousand times It's just a train at the county store. I was wasting my time doing spots everywhere else I'm a marine

Why am I going hanging out with the air force guys? I'm a fucking marine. Why am I going over to this club and hanging out with fucking army fucking whatever their medics I was raised to be a killer. Missy sure created killers. That was what she wanted. Look at her resume When you watch those rodney tapes, there were all her killers. There were handcrafted killers That's what she wanted you to be. That's why whenever people are in the bind they go to the commie store You want to find fucking talent to do a project? You go to that fucking commie store. Yeah, there's a chick There's an old man a young guy a chinese guy a black guy. There's everything you need rolled up at one fucking stop

You know, and that's what she that's what after the netflix thing. I was like i'm wasting my time with all this bullshit Nobody wants to hear joy dears talking about his daughter. Yeah, here or there But nobody that's not what i'm about What do you mean? It's not what i'm about. Oh, yeah If i am going to talk about my daughter it's something in uh That you know the world we live in today i'm raising in the world we live in i don't give a fuck about What they're telling me that i'm raised i'm telling you how to raise a fucking kid

So they're better than everybody else because nobody else is raising their kids. Yeah with that kind of integrity I see kids losing their minds all the fucking time i'm around them more Now more than ever i'm like wow who the fuck's raising this kid unannoyed So i see the fucking whatever, you know But i don't i don't How can you fire me from a tv show? Because that puts something on twitter. What about the guy kidnapped 30 years ago?

You really you know what i mean? You're really gonna give a fuck. They call it the cancel culture. So what are you gonna cancel? What are you gonna cancel on this? a gig wear Unless you rape somebody Or you fucking even if you take your dick out now louis ck proved you're still selling out Yeah, so you got to rape the bitch and get caught with the fucking kid you know 23 and me's got to be there with the fucking

kid and and then you got uh You got you know like if you fucking Even sexual harassment they give you a little break now They push it back in. Yeah, even what's his name is back arie from fucking uh joint piven. Yeah, i've seen him around Yeah, well, he's doing stand-up. Yeah, but they gave him a series or a movie. They put him in a movie Yeah, he's in a back end. Yeah, they use your back and they give me About everybody good. Listen how how bad was Robert? Did you know that harpy wine scene it is out? like around town

We knew somebody who was a waitress and he came in and she was like none of the waitress was like Hey, we don't really want to serve him and they were like you have to and they were like we don't really want to Yeah Like this fucking stuff. We don't like that guy. So but he's just out going out. What's he gonna do? Well, I guess yeah, I always thought he was like gone in time. No, he's in new york, right? I guess so. Yeah, he's in new york. He's in safe haven. Yeah He goes to a temple once a week. Can you imagine if you were sitting at one of those like Uh at like communal tables and you go out at one of those small places

And you have to just sit next to other people and then harpy wine scene is right next to you imagine like Hey You know what believe it or not it was this one extra one time she sucked my dick like she wanted to voucher You don't think you'd stay in your house. I would stay in my house. I would for a while. I guess I wonder In lucy k. I mean, what what do you feel like? What do you go through? How long can you stay at the house with I get fidgety after like a couple days With maybe three or four. Yeah, I get three or four days. I feel like now. Let me give you another side Let me tell you for a month after I got out of fucking county jail. Yeah, what what prison?

You feel like shit You go to the supermarket the chick knows you were in jail You go to the gas station The fucking guy knows you're in jail In your mind So I can't imagine being lucy k. Yeah, who got all this shit taken from him one day or being rv wine stain Who got everything taken from you? What do you do? What do you do in in lucy k situation? What do you do?

Exactly what he did he dropped off the face of the earth for a month or two And then he said what am I gonna I can't stay in this fucking house You gotta go out I gotta go out and they took him back at the at the comedy cell Yeah, they accepted him back So that's it little by little. He didn't bother nobody Somebody tried to fuck with him along the way and tape one of his sets That he was working out shit and they made a big deal about it for no fucking reason And he's back. He's just selling out toronto. Yeah, there was an article today that he

Doesn't want tape record is nobody taking notes You know, whatever everybody has their own thing, but We've become The judge the jury. What's that expression and executioner executioner They ever see one of those things whenever it gets mad about something and you're just like in your head You're just like, I don't even see what you guys are even talking about. I don't see what you're talking about Like sometimes you're like, uh, is this the right reaction? Is this the wrong reaction? And then other times you're like

Wait, I'm not even sure I see where you guys ever talk like what are you even talking about? It seems like a fucking made-up anger Sometimes, you know where it's like I don't really think you think about this as the bustro. Yeah, it's for no reason. Look at this guy the prime minister Trudell, okay. Take a look at his poor bastard now He's sitting there at home six months ago watching world news tonight just like my fucking fat ass And he's watching but that guy went through in georgia That is a in college

He fucked him put on blackface And they tried to accuse him now and then the guy was like man Not only that I put on blackface one time for michael jackson Who said that the governor of georgia. How are you? Oh, yeah, yeah, you know and he didn't mean it You could tell he had no fucking anguish in his heart again. They tried to blow it up. I don't know who was the right or the left I don't even know what that means But then you got a guy like true dough that's sitting at home that jerk off sees this Instead of going. Hey, you know what going to his defense and going. Hey, you know what?

Years ago, I got drunk and some chicks put blackface on me and released those photos. Look what he went through last week. Yeah Is that his story that he got drunk and I don't know But I'd rather go to the punch before they do or do you mean go to the punch get there before they do they're gonna find out Yeah, listen, you know what? I'm sorry, but you know, I've been not on yahoo They were blackmailing him who's running for governor of uh, jewslam way back Major of Jerusalem and uh, his opponent Took a bunch of pictures of him cheating on his wife

And sent it to him said drop out or these go to the fucking press and then he called the press conference himself With his wife said this guy's blackmailing me. That's private matter. Shit And he fucking shot up and beat the guy. That's it. Yeah Beat them before they don't feel ashamed. That's what that john ronston book says no the ones who don't actually feel any shame It doesn't really touch them listen if you Nothing bothers me more when you look at a guy and he's got veins coming out of his neck and they got popped for steroids At least telling you he didn't do it. Yeah, you hit 22 or months a year 18 19 20

18 again 47 Then back to me and they look you straight in the eye and they're telling you this I don't get mad at those people Yeah, I feel bad for them because this is what they have to do to keep it together You know, I've got tons of skeletons of flowers that we all do Yeah, you know, if I feel I've pretty much released pretty much all the skeletons of my closet Except a few aces i'm holding on to in case the judge needs to renegotiate my escape to nicaragua. Yeah

You gotta have some stuff to sell Well, I mean Because like your question is why not just come out with it Like I see if i'm truto and I see how angry everyone's getting i'm like fogless I bet I forgot about it though. I bet he can be like, yeah, that's bullshit. You guys shouldn't work black places And they're like, what about you? It's like, no, I never do that. And they're like, remember this and he'd be like Oh, yeah That's right. I think everybody's got some of those things

So you're like, whatever it wasn't a big deal. No, we made a big deal over the time And then he was like he forgot about it because it was so inconsequential. It wasn't like he was at a clan rally doing it You know, he was doing it out in public or no one thought it was a bad thing Well killed me about the thing what signed that life was that the the guy said that he Went back to episode 114 And the guy had said something right so either when the guy got put on sign out live He had listened to all his stuff or he was somebody who put on that podcast Said fuck i'm offended a week later the poor kid gets put on sign out live and he raises his hands

Do you think it was that or do you think it's someone like Okay, these are the people who got snl Let me let me get one. Yeah, the fastest way to a good story is to just get to get somebody So it but what did you do? Did you listen to every fucking yeah, you went quickly. Here's what I know because he stopped I mean Yeah, he could have gotten way worse stuff When it was like i'm sure you know when it was like when he said this it was like, well, I found something quickly go it's like

You're just rushing to try to hurt somebody. It's not your thing Don't it's not for you. Don't listen to it. It's obviously not for you. Just don't listen to it You're only coming here to be angry. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's like don't listen to it. Just don't come It's ah they always get on comedy. It's in fucking 80 seat basements Just don't come here. It's the smallest amount of people i'll be watching About three months ago. I went up to a wages at the store That's worth at the store for about 20 years. I know this issue is a young girl

Yeah, and we always hug now kiss for years. I see her and it's great to see About a couple months ago or whatever. I saw that one night I said hey Again, I beat it to the punch She's a sweetheart. I like I Remember that morning you picked me up for radio. I asked you for a blood job like 20 times and like uh You could have fucking said something and she goes, you know, I didn't say anything

I go why she goes because you were the best one in the whole You were the commas ones She goes I can name names of guys ripping my shirt off Damn, really, you know, you pick up a comic at six in the morning to do radio He's coming down off that fucking margin dust at five o'clock. He starts jerking off All sudden a single girl picks up to do ready. You're throwing out all the curves You don't even want to do ready. You just take your dick out and start whacking off in the car Jesus, I remember my shirt. I fucking snorted till she picked me up

Really? We went to like three radio stations The last radio station on my list Come on, come on. Come on. Let's go back to the house. I heard you suck a tremendous dick She had blown some other comic and I heard about I'm like, I heard you suck a tremendous dick I can't haven't even had a drink yet and all this shit. Oh my god. Yeah. It's like what eight in the morning It was like five six in the morning, but it was like six at night night. Yeah Fucking crazy. She said, you know what? I think going back you were one of the

Commerce ones and she names some names. I'm like, really? She goes all these motherfuckers Sabaches So does that mean not like that stuff used to work like because if you did it that means like a certain amount of times that kind of If you said that's where she'd be like, yeah I'll come over What a lot of people don't understand is you can't you can't put like comedy club um

Like behavior you can't judge it against an office behavior We hang out til fucking four a the place closes at two. We all hang out till four. I'm doing like Drinking and doing coke. It's like it's not it's just a party every night You're just partying People are hooking up left and right I mean not really really like every day, but like you know We're all fucking young want to be comics want to be actors and actresses

You know, I did comedy for three years before I got into a scene. Yeah, you're like when you fall into a scene I started in 91 and I knew comedians and I say hello to them at different shows in Denver but it wasn't till like late 93 that I got into like what you got into In 98 at the store to that scene 2000. Yeah, Freddy Duncan Bobby Lee you lived and died for one another. Yeah. Yeah nobody had money When you got your first commercial you took everybody to paint down for sandwiches. Yeah, right, right? You know when you lived and died for Bobby take us to Jerry's

Yeah, like all that type of shit going to carnies all that nasty shit that's around there But it's weird. I didn't get into that till like my third year in comedy And it was a party five nights a week Wasn't me last week. I yelled at you. You caught me at five to ten on home. I'm like, what are you doing home? All right, it was a party every night 31 years old. Yeah every night. It's a party every night after I felt like the third and a half year It's a party you get together with it's six guys and you go do whatever they open mics and you go

Then you go straight to Jerry's or something. Yeah, or straight to somewhere else Or a diner and you go hang out together for three hours to burst special Yeah, you talk in the parking lot And there's always four chicks in the group Give to the married one that just broke up with a boyfriend Yeah, one little sucky dick if you keep her out past three o'clock and everybody's well known She's already done some of the comics and i'm not putting those women down. No, they say hey, they're great. They're great That's the society we're in and when I was an open mic every year there was there was one girl two out of every three years

There was at least somebody you could say like you just look at her across the bar and she look at you and you're just like Not actually like yeah, I just go you just go to the back That's it. That's it. It was such my 94 95 I was having such a great time in Denver. Yeah, I was part of a clique And when they got a gig they would and I was part of like four clicks for one click that we were all the same We had all been doing comedy for three and a half years Maybe one guy was doing six years and he was featuring already. Oh like, you know It's Jackie Flynn asked me to open for him last week at the comedy store. You're like, oh, you know

That type of shit, you know, there was just a little click of you that click. I hung out with them from november of 93 To june of 95 who's in your clip? at that time jeff sergeant jimmy a beta andy paiden this black dude There were a couple chicks that were comics to only remember their names. I don't even know if they're doing it. Yeah, you know I wasn't in with features and headliners

I was in with guys that were beginning to have one. We're beginning to feature feature triple runs Oh, really? Like you come back and we'd hug you congratulations. I wasn't you're like, oh my god Wait till you go to Boise and you're like, oh, I can't wait to go to Boise, you know Those are the people my point is that you were with them Right when I first met you you ran with those guys till four or five in the morning Yeah, but my those guys were like open mics together. We're like, hey, we're better than these like crazy people Yeah, yeah, I mean you guys had it going on. You guys worked at the store. You guys were tight I'll never forget that you you had that little click of savage. Yeah, right as easy

John caparulo, caparulo Yeah, uh, uh, uh, the the spanish could rick ramos almost. Yeah, you know, this is like this is like fan Mike black. Yeah, carbony painter painter crushed Painter changed everybody. He was so fucking dark We couldn't believe it. He was so he was like When you would do the employee section It was like a question if you go pre painter or post painter because he would either destroy

Like Level the place where like no one else could go on to that level of laughter for like three more comics Or he would bomb so bad That like every one of the audience felt like weird for a while He made me like this awesome. It's terrible. I saw him do some creepy stuff And then I heard it was creepy offstage No, he just liked to fuck a lot. Right. Yeah, he like put it out there for everybody. He put it out there oddly very christian Very christian would not say hell say heck dropping heck as in stories of like

Did he got into a big fight with carbony about they were watching porn? It was early porn where there's not many rules and there was a porn of a dog eating out a girl A woman. Excuse me. Excuse my bad. A woman. They sold on the internet. It was just on the internet okay, I don't know when like people had passwords and stuff and uh Carbony was disgusted by it and painter was like, um, uh, she's got nice tits And then Carbony said, what are you talking about? She's gonna eat out by a dog Painter was like that has nothing to do with the quality of her tits They got to a screaming match over it. That is disturbing. A dog eating out a woman. I can't watch that

I can't watch that in the early days of the internet like you would download something It would say like regular porn and the worst one I saw was like a german shepherd fucking lady from like You see some crazy stuff the days of like lime wire You have to download your porn Yeah, it was days like that so you to get a porn and you have it like hey, let's watch my porn I guess Oh my god, and then Yoshi would come around And giving you boxes of porn when you saw Yoshi, it's like Yoshi you already ate or you're coming in He's like already ate like

Can we go to your car? It's like, yeah, maybe just hand your CDs I had a neighbor that I would give those He would jump up and down when I gave because I don't watch porn. I don't know what Yoshi was giving me He was just giving me this homemade shit Some black guy fucking a white chick, you know, she's She didn't want to be there. I don't want to watch that shit. I really don't guys. I can't I don't want to see a fucking chick getting eaten out by a dog Even though

If I had a crazy chick come on my house and we were doing coke and shit I'd ask Like my dog eat your pussy while I put my dick in your mouth. That would be a tremendous fucking video But they throw you in jail Yeah, they'll still mess up. Yeah, definitely another jab. You must well fuck a five-year-old can't really fuck a dog anymore It really has changed I don't want to watch that. I really don't I don't want to just come across it I want to I want to know what I'm getting into. He wants to produce it

Oh, it's like you can look away when you see it and suddenly it's that suddenly. It's a horse fucking video You're just like, uh, you know, you can't just look away So now you're watching it like I don't know a broken in you all those years I never turned down the video with a horse. I saw it was disturbing the second time The first time you get because it's like your brain can't make sense of it And then the second time you see it about halfway through you're like, oh Then it all hits you like in the middle And so then you're like is it the one where he dies at the end? He dies afterwards

Allegedly, no one really knows that's what they said, but you can see that definitely that could have happened How big was the horse's dick far bigger than his ass No, shit. It was like It was like that. It was about that but thicker At his but about that long now. He had a friend with him right see I wouldn't call that a friend. Yeah, but he had a guy obviously He went to some broken out a bit about that. Right. Yeah, I had a hysterical bit. Yeah, but looking back

Somebody calls you up. It's sorry. Can I meet you for coffee and Starbucks? I have to run something by you Yeah, and you like maybe wants to borrow money. Sure. Yeah, I'm always there for you. What do you need buddy? Yeah, let's sure. Let's talk I don't know if you know this, but I'm beyond gay. You're like, I don't know What do you mean? And you're like, are you into bondage? Not really Do you like the fucking groups? Not really? I've done it, but I'm not so then what do you mean by beyond gay? Oh my god I went to pennsylvania with my friends from high school Yeah, sure the homecoming when I went on the fucking horse. I noticed how big his dick was and

I had taken a shit one time that was 18 19 inches and I figured I could put the horse's dick up my ass So that night I went when everybody was sleeping. I went to the stable And I Vaseline my ass. I didn't eat no lunch or dinner because I wanted an empty stomach on purpose on purpose and I Moved the horse up. I went dog. You saw it was a fucking nightmare. It was like being a downward dog Oh, and I had to go on downward dog and finally I got the tip of my asshole But I don't know horses have some type of infections So I ended up in the hospital an infection and I

read up on the line and oh In those days of encyclopedia online And you have to take a special shot For a horse to fuck you in the ass. I mean where you're sitting they go. So what are we getting that here? So, yeah, why'd you get me in the back for this like the reason why I need your force to be meant to look at I want to go to this barn. I've known you for a long time. Please don't share this with nobody else No, I wouldn't know right away. You're like, well, I got a secret to tell you A couple nights ago. I went home and I had peanut butter on my balls

My girlfriend she wow licked it and I kind of like it myself So now I just buy dogs that are abandoned. I haven't licked my balls and I kill them Drop on the corner. So there's no evidence. You know, this is two fucking minds This is two people that met and just think about that It's like heroin people in LA Like I did blow for 20 years in LA And I think one person in 22 years ever came up to me and said hey Do you want to do heroin? It was a chick, you know, whatever that was crazy and I knew and I was doing other drugs

But heroin people attract heroin people you do any heroin? I did it not with her that night. I did it a couple years after. What was it like? tremendous, oh tremendous Remember I told the story on your fucking show. Yeah, but which one I went to gunt his house And he gave me a line of white heroin when I I sold the me and deedy sold him out like a No, it was a cabinet to put dishes and he was a beaver collector

An arm was out of the call. I think that's why I'm funny. Yeah, and we went over there and we went over in the afternoon Gunter brown looked just like tony. I owe me and he was a pervert and I didn't know he was a pervert till that day He got there. Don't they have to be like a Saturday or a Sunday? And he answered the door with a robot. Yeah, and no shoes on just a row. He's like, what's up? And I'm like, we want to know if you want to buy this and he goes, yeah, it looks interesting I know you like those type of pieces And he was I'm kind of busy right now. Can you come back in a few hours? And I'll square with you. He goes make it like eight o'clock and I'm like, fuck

I don't this is not going to pay me but I knew got to have money got that family money He lived on the corner next to this family called the denny's who were just as crazy They had like three boys And their sister one of them were twins. She was twins with mike Who was my buddy and he was a fucking nightmare. I called him the devil He's in jail right now for killing his wife in north carolina that when we were kids we called him the devil Like when they call you the devil when you're 15 You got problems. So yeah, and people would say where you going? I'm going to this place with denny

You really want to hang out with the devil like that's how bad he was. There was always something Always something with mike denny's and he had a brother Who had a Played the guitar and he had fake teeth And he had long hand. He thought he was jimmy page But in real life, he had a chick Down the man. He would just tell her suck his dick What and she would suck your dick and one night he took her to a party in my hometown

My junior year. I was not there And she sucked like 18 dicks. So they called the marathon woman But now there was a big push a lot like all these guys got to die. Let's break that record Let's break that record and they took her back to a house by franklin school one night jimmy denny was his name And this chick must have sucked 20 cocks and broke her record. I was not around And the next day they kept calling the marathon woman at school Marathon woman. I mean and everybody knew and she walked around like nothing happened. Yeah, and thinking back now you could see She was

Crazy looking. Yeah, he was good looking He was good looking as a matter of fact But look thinking back you could see that there was something wrong there At an early age she was 17 18. It's weird when you see a crazy person They still have their looks and then you're just like can't make sense of it You're like, oh, you're about you're gonna be homeless in like a year You know where it's like you're on just in the very beginnings of crazy And it's like it's all gonna go to shit

Oh my god That was a crazy fucking name. Did you ever hear what happened to her? Do marathon woman Not really Lee you look like somebody drew you and then stopped when they got to the eyes. Yeah, that's how I feel They I know I saw her high school. Yeah, I remember her high school Picture the yearbook picture really disturbed me Really she put like she had a saying under her name like it was like her name That all the people on that whole list

She put like a saying. Oh, right. Well, it's her live forever or something. I'm like, how are you gonna fucking be 28? And tell your husband you suck 40 Dixie junior year in high school That is probably something that wouldn't she probably suck 30 Dix because there were dudes over there for seconds But that was a There was a ton of dudes talking about the next thing she would swallow to Swallow and load. She had a stomach ache for a week We're getting back to dr. Brown. So the night I went over there without deedy And I remember going in he gave me the 60 which was did he was a crazy friend of mine

He's still around now. I just talked to him last week He moved from the shore back up north with his brother. Good friend of mine solid I mean his brother with dear friends of mine. He told me I in fact, I told the reason did he wasn't with me because That guy gun to live close to me and I was headed to deities And we were going to deities to get coke afterward But I go by gunter and he says come in come in. He's still got a robot There's beer bottles everywhere

And he's like sit around and he goes hey, listen to this. I remember Led Zeppelin live was on That live album from the garden And we were just talking the way you and me on he just gave me a beer I didn't know if he was lonely and in the middle of the conversation he goes listen There's a check back there in the bathroom. She passed out I've been doing drugs no fucking day If you want to she likes to suck dick while you sit on the toilet And I'm like that's okay

Now she's like he is the crazy thing guys that I'm a young man I'm maybe 17 my mother was dead and Like when you're 17 you'll take a blowjob from a man from anything you'll take a blowjob from anything Yeah, well, he was like she's passed out in the bathroom, but I'll wake her up. You want your dick sucked? And I'm like no, that's okay. That's how scary it was. All right, and he was an avid beetle collector What was the part that freaked you out like which one like the chick passed out in the fucking bathroom? Sometimes just leaps in like a sexual experience. You're like, I'm not ready for this fucking leap. I wasn't ready for that

I was ready. You know we When I was 17, I had hopes and dreams that it would I wouldn't go to you know Go and throw roses up in the air and something He's gonna suck, you know, I didn't think I was gonna get my dick sucked on the street of some dirty chick I remember the toilet That's what she wanted that's what turned her on to suck your dick while you sat in the toilet And I go no, that's okay And I go i'm thinking about it and he goes no no no sit around wait

You want to do a line of coke? We did a line of coke. I think we started talking about music And he goes you ever do heroin? I go no And right there. I knew he was gonna ask me I just knew it. You know when you get that ball in your neck and you're like Now between you and I at that age This is something that even though I didn't want to live anymore because I didn't have a mother. Yeah, I didn't want to go out by heroin You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I don't mind getting fucked up and getting hit by a car I'll be getting fucked up and jumping off a bridge But dying the heroin I just didn't want that on my record. I just didn't want that tarnish as crazy as it sounds Yeah, my mom was like he's like you want to do a line just a little line or something I'll make sure why not And I did it I don't know remember if I got sick I think I got sick

But I didn't trip Like when I told the story on your show people would yell at me the next day like you don't trip on All right, but something heroin, but it was something like you just feel this fucking Lumping your stomach. My body went numb. I felt like you know before you feel like before you have surgery Yeah, that feeling that everything's funny and like everything's distant and then I went out I went somewhere Like I went somewhere for a while And then I came back and I started going on it out of it and it was just a tiny bit, but I had never done it before

You know, I don't remember if I did get sick now Because I got sick a bunch of times doing that stuff You always puke when you do that and that's when it kicks in once you puke Oh, really? Yeah, that chinese heroin from china town. It kicks in once you puke once you puke That's when you know like that's what I heard. Wow. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the heroin. Yeah, that's what some of that was the first time And I remember like I felt really shitty about myself that night. I don't remember walking home I don't remember that shit. It was a long fucking time ago And I didn't do heroin again till

I was locked up how did you how did it feel when you were on it though? That night. Yeah I don't know. I just was fucked up. I'm right Like I was getting fucked up every night those days At that age I was getting I was doing something. Yeah, how old? 17 16 and a half Like I still remember snort angel dust

And like taking the head ass and going home like at 10 o'clock and like fucking having a nervous breakdown Yeah, watching tv and the exorcist was on me turning it off Fuck this I had master reality. I'm like all that shit was too heavy for my little 17 year old mind, but So I didn't do it again until I went to prison And that time it really didn't work because they had to melt mexican Harrowing into my nose. I don't do like comes like a goop So they had to melt it down to a liquid and then they scooped it up with like a dropper

And I had to bend my head back and they put it in my nose because I didn't want to shoot it I'm a pussy. I didn't want to shoot it. Oh, why does that seem worse? I know. I don't know. Listen when you're young That's the mistake you made. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. I can't imagine you make Oh I dropped it in my nose like this this brown tasting shit. Oh, and I don't remember if anything happened and then In 93 in new york, I did a line with my brother and that fucked me up The next morning he told me because you did a line that could have killed the horse. Well, thanks for telling me Thanks for telling me and I didn't touch it again until 2007

Really? Yeah But I did it right. I didn't do a lot. I was just a little little key And what was that too? That was it. I would get fucked up for like three four hours. I would just pass out and go to sleep. Damn It's fucking crazy. Yeah, they it's so rocked over You could save that shit for next month, bitch. That's right So what's your plan? When do you start missing rifa? I'll probably start on by me. I said I've been enjoying it in la smoking in the car I was about to in and out and the guy was taking my cash and he was like damn that smells good

I was like, yeah, it's good. You just sit in line and just like smoke listen to the radio Dude, I got home yesterday. I put my car in I smoked some new songs on the radio and I just pulled in and just listen to the radio I didn't even like move. I didn't even turn the car off for like 40 minutes. I just sat there listening to the radio You know, you're not allowed to smoke weed in the car and drive. You do know that When when who said that? I got a new tax. No, someone. No one said that. Who said that? No, that's not a real thing

No, they have to first of all, they have to catch you which is not going to happen because I'm an excellent speed driver When I'm on the weed Yeah, so what do you gotta do a lute them a lute them for five just get to an underpass You gotta get to an underpass. That's what you're losing. The helicopter's got you. You gotta get to a garage or some kind They can't bash you. So you take the ticket Right, the thing goes up Then you ease ease when the thing goes down then they have to take a ticket Otherwise and then you can quickly go get out of that car and fucking bolt. What fucking ticket are you talking about?

That ticket to let you into the garage No, that's that you watch into what we saw our car chase yesterday What you have to do is you have to get to where okay, the helicopter's got you You got to get off from where they can see you, right? Okay, the helicopter's got a fucking spot. I don't agree. So you got to go underground of some kind At a garage There's a thing that comes up to let you into the garage. You got to get in one of those

Take the ticket and then when the thing goes down as you go Then the cop behind you now, he's got to wait a second. He's got to get a ticket and things go up You take that 15 seconds Bolt go fast and then jump out that car Put in a spot jump out run somewhere else and that's your only shot. That's your only shot Are they going to lock down the whole building and do they know what you look like? I don't think so I did that already. Well, how's it not going to work because they'll sit and wait and bait you in that area But you what you were in the office building. I'm just here at warby parker's store

The office building if you escape by an hour away, they bring a fucking dog And that dog gets you sent and they start sniffing around. Oh, shit There's so many. Oh, so they get where the car is they smell that and then they go Oh, you're dead. They got a scent on you. It's your car. They know who you are And then if you zombie your car, it's not your car. Oh, oh, it is. Oh, no, no It is a scenario. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they would get you Think you would a rental car. You still had to put your car down. Yeah, my thing is this this is my thing They've given us the gift

A leather smoke. Yeah, they're giving you the gift of us going to a store Yeah, the least we could do is say, you know what? I'm like, I don't like smoking in my car I don't like it in the car. If I get pulled up, I got no light to stand up on I'm dead and now they have a test So if you get pulled over and you got red eyes, they got like a litmus test. Really? Or some swipe of your tongue or there's something So those days are long gone. Wow. So you got to put viseen in your eyes. I mean Well, you can't afford a fucking DUI right now. Why does it be the perfect time to get one? No, I don't drive very much

It would be the perfect time to get a DUI. You never want to lose your driving privilege I know but of all the times to get it when I live in a city where I don't need it is a it's a helpful time It's a fucking horrible. We live in an age of uber. It's a Horrible blemish on your right. That's true. It's 2000 but not now specific. It's 2019. I ubered here I know all right. That's what I'm saying. If you get a DUI in today's society, you're asshole. You should be shot Because it's everywhere. Yeah, your brother-in-law got a little uh, no, I'm sorry a DUI He got to go to classes. He I'm just saying all right your brother-in-law. Everybody's brother-in-law got a fucking DUI that listens to this podcast He's a fucking loser and he drank one night and he fucking got a DUI

Yeah, you're not 22 and now he's got to pay a fine. He's got to take classes. He got points on his license Uber insurance goes up That's why uber is so fucking pop. It reminds me though of the kinesin bit And the question is but what are you gonna do with your car? How are you gonna eat your car home? You got to just say like I'm too kind of maybe I'll get a ticket What do you mean like it? Let's say you drove somewhere and then you started doing hella drugs and you got to get home People always like put my cars on the street. I can't leave it out in the morning

We'll figure that out when we burn that bridge and we get to it well for right now shut your mouth do the coke And let's enjoy the evening We'll figure that out in the morning. Maybe the dentist will leave out of his spot We'll put you in the building. I did too much tonight already. What'd you do? We still got to take another habit But we're running away. I already realized I Worth it. We're running light here gentlemen. You know what I am? This is a light night 200 milligrams. Wait, you ready? It's the mixing. It's the problem. What mix it? We got a couple tutu-tuts About this is so back home. But you look at him bring beer

What I even got cbd or to calm you down if anybody loses there Nerve coming on anything. It starts twitching. Let me know. I got nice cbd off from cbdline.com When are you gonna get a heroin sponsor? So I'm talking about the Turks as we speak I'm talking to a division of ices as we speak. Is it gonna be like a dealer or are you gonna get like the Distributor who's like everything the jingle the whole thing I could see you in an opium den like an old china town opium den. I can see you just down there And I've been that have you and Duncan

One on the left and one on the right Put our shoes off Get a foot rub on chinese woman. Little chinese guy comes you smoke opium when you start hallucinating He puts a towel on you with cold water does it's gonna be all right You have no idea You have no idea jack. That's a party for some people They just rub your head with a cold towel. Wow, it's gonna be all right. You start sweating profusiously They put ice pack on your neck. Did I see those guys in york gacked out you ever see them? Yeah

They're fucking On heroin or yeah, I guess. I don't know. Is that heroin? Yeah, methadone too. They're over. They're all the way over Those our head almost hits the ground, but it doesn't hit the ground Or they're standing up and they're bent over and they look like a fucking human question mark. They're just like I don't even know how they stand. Can I ask you a question? Is that big in new york again? Yeah, and then they just stand where in the village or in the west side of east side village west side um A lot of near nyu a little unrelated. I think but like

It's a college. There's got to be somebody selling agent. Yeah, maybe they have people giving away The money or something. I don't know. What do you mean giving away money? I mean, why that's why the homeless people are there I Don't know. I'm saying like people are donating to them. I don't know why they're there But yeah, there's a park or two where you can you can still score Really? Yeah, there's a park near my house. I guess that's what you'd get like if you wanted to get You're just kind of a dealer, but that's where all the homeless like junkies are What do you have you ever got weed there? No, I've gotten it at the other park near the cellar

Really? Yeah, uh, it's Joey you would be so angry You think there's any sort of reaction to any bad jokes in the world You would never stop you wouldn't stop yelling about it for four months about how bad the weed was it was like smoking air There is nothing and they did a switch on you that I saw but even when they let me smell They're like, hey smell this and I smelled it and then I saw him do the switch

But I'm like, hey dude, the shit you just had me smell also smelled like nothing Like I know you're gonna switch to something worse, but like it was already below the level I've had winded in Indonesia. I've had weed that was It was okay. It was not as bad as that, but it was slightly worse. It was almost as bad Well, they don't check it out of lax now. So yeah, they don't check it take it with you 28.5 grams Is what that's what you're allowed to take on your luggage 28.5 is that an ounce 28.5 grams. They've 28.5. They even give you five for the baggie

Yeah, it's an ass. Yeah, okay out so you could travel with it. You have to break it apart like women's breast milk Yeah, you can put in 28.5 put in two baggies and put in your travel kit. Yeah The edibles if you fly, I mean unless you want to be a fucking showoff Yeah, you take these you empty it and you put them in your regular right They're part of your blood pressure We all have that package where you take a pill for your extension or your leg or whatever the fuck it is You just put one in there So I have these all mixed in

Right. Yeah, so you know I have edibles you lose track of them though, huh? I lose track sometimes sometimes like, you know, which one's with these what happened was I took the 25s one day and Swit's into the hundreds and game one delete and he ain't like 225 200 So now I got I remember the fucking switch So you're the devil So now I'm at the house and I have that switch bottle next to me Yeah, but I got a closet full of abx

100 milligrams 50s and 25s why they even make those hundreds? I mean they're making for you. I guess no they make these for everybody. These are for everybody Joshua said he ate two of them one night. Yeah, he was planning to drive home from san diego Yeah, and on stage he got like a nervous breakdown. He went back to his room Layed on the bed. He goes for 10 minutes. I'll be all right And he woke up the next day attending the fucking morning when the sneak is on That's how good these fucking things are When they first started coming around it took me a long time to adjust to 100 milligrams

I just started popping too. What are you talking about? You've been on 250s and this is nothing That's why these are so fucking strong. Why would you? Well, we first got all right when we were doing the stars, right? We built such a tolerance to that cac from the stars that yes, we would eat 2000 milligrams But it really wasn't 2000 milligrams anymore for us. It was more like a thousand after a certain that's still quite a lot though It's don't minimize. That's a nothing. That's still quite a lot. It's fucking but the other thing is you don't really know It's a mere bag of shells Because you don't know because I mean

He's one of the ones that didn't come back when it became legal So like it said 2000, but maybe it was 1500 because like these I believe these are 100 Acting like that's nothing because the number is slightly off It's still so far more than any other person in the world takes. Well. Yeah, I've come to terms with that We'll give this fuck what people take. We're working our own fuck. That's right. You got your own We've walked through the beat of our own drums. So We go deep it took me it took me maybe six months To be able to handle one of these like I know if I took one of these I'd fuck up on stage

Really because our pure thc. Oh, yeah, you take one of these. I am fucking up on stage You're gonna get a bunk from but I'm saying if if I okay, but selfishly I'm saying it's if I normally take 20 of a normal one You gave me 200 which is 10 times that of the pure stuff. I'm saying isn't that maybe too much? It is Let's take another one. What the fuck it's so bak toba mañana Oh, let's take it. Let's do a mystery pill It's time for the mystery pill Some people got the cowbell. I got the altoid can you know I'm saying there's the mystery

No, I'd rather do the edible pills. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are we doing? The other one hasn't even kicked in yet What other one the little red orange thing I forgot about that, but who gives a fuck. What are we doing crazy pick the pill? No way. No way I'm coasting for a little bit pick a pill or an edible. What are we doing here? It's so bak toba. We got to go rough All right, what are we doing here? Let's do another bong it let's smoke some weed first and then we'll get back to pills All right, we'll do a pill of the bong here. You gotta wait for that candy to kick in. What candy candy? Yeah, it's not gonna kick in. It's gonna kick out. What is it speed? I mean, uh, ecstasy

Is it really out? Give me another piece. He needs to go home and rub his chest and his dick Wack off on his stomach. One was last time he wacked off on your stomach today and just left it there today Today we're coming to America. Coming to an egg white omelette. Shit. You know what I'm saying on your stomach Science cock suckers you guys one of the stoner podcast you got it. You look cock suckers I would never guess that's what that was. How come oh, I want you guys to go off the rails again People are begging me to go. What off the rails to eat a bunch of animals to get leaf fucked up So you guys got a couple minutes to decide Fucking pill or fucking, you know, somebody gave me somebody in Maui once

Got me Maui. Wow because they listened to our acid podcast from a long time ago. Why don't you have a tv in here anymore? That's what you need for real Why did I miss that? Any of us We watched adventure time after last month you fucking bolted we watched adventure time. I never seen anything so fucking brilliant It was like What? Well, that's a time that we're gonna do one with our adventure time

It's either a pill or edible. Take your fucking picker wants to smoke some grief for you Joey if you could heavenly have one drug one more time in your life Go all out. Not just like one line, but like a night of coke or night of mushrooms or night after like one Obviously it goes with weed Which one would you do? If I could still do them the way I used to do them. Yeah One night with xanax some weed would have brought in some booze. Nice What would you do a valium?

Like 30 milligram of valium and you come one time Yeah, chicks come easy when they eat valium xanax. I see they're relaxed I mean, what would you like? I knew I knew a chick. They would have to eat a xanax to come Oh, really? Yes any time I got xanax that went to one sourced, uh But if you I'm too old to do cocaine and I don't want that feeling ever again Coke sucks. I don't want every once in a while. It's around and it's like fucking if there's nothing else and Everybody's doing it. I guess we were talking about a bird's the other day. I'll tell you what what coke is tremendous

If you use it how we discussed it birds I thought about after we had the discussion my friend that was doing that My friend that was doing that as a multi-millionaire He went to boston college got a tremendous degree works on wall street and This was 93 when he came up to me one night He's like a youth school coach for me. I'm like anytime. Yeah, he goes buy me a 30 a gram was 30 back down 178 street Right, so we wanted one already

He would buy a gram I would give it to him at nine o'clock at night. We bar bounce No, we go to a couple bounces on the lower west side By 20th street 15th street down there. He knew a couple places. It's a good fellow's pizza. Yeah down there And then had about 11 30 12 o'clock He would go to the bathroom And take two key bumps out of the gram and give me the rest Whoa

And that would take them to 230. Yeah And he would go home and never got addicted Never had a problem jealous of that And he would tell I asked him why you would do that and he would tell me because it lets me drink a little longer Straightens me up. Yeah By the time I get home my dick will get hard. Yeah, you know, sometimes you write you use it What do you mean you use it for like what you got to use it for like we went to a ufc and edinbro in scotland So it starts at like 4 a.m.

And it's like and they all have coke and it's like, yeah, how otherwise I'm gonna be dead asleep Sure Just keep you up for a little while. So you did the coke and went to the ufc and watched it. No on tv, you know And everybody's going crazy because we're all coked up and it's fucking perfect. And then, you know, you get some breakfast and go to sleep That's crazy. Yeah, it's great. We watched diaz and mcgregor Two two the hyped up one It was crazy. Yeah these guys had fucking

Fake mcgregor tattoos on sloths and nicotine Are you taking your world tour 2020 overseas again? No No, next year. I will yeah for sure Yeah, next year. I will for sure. I saw you released tour dates. I retweeted them today coming to a date I've only got a few left. I'm doing this show this fucking jewish material. I'm almost done And did you find that a synagogue yet that will take you not one of them are gonna let me I know reform one not one of them

Not one Every one of them was like some of them were just like no way Like some of them don't look that good. So it's like uh, other ones of them like they're like, yeah, sure. We'd love to have that It's not gonna be blue. Is it I'm like, oh, all right, forget it And then the one that I really wanted to do they were like First they were asking me like no holocaust jokes, right? I'm like, yeah, for sure. You gotta like one It's fucking shit about juice Anyway, every one of them was like, no, we don't want to do this

So I'll do it. I'm better. Let's get the backlash back like no because all it takes these days is one or two members of a congregation To be like, well, I don't like this at all. It's the same in any scene any see There's not the comedy thing. It's any scene if you have kids in a school Anywhere there's people who are like, ah, what about don't say this And it's just like uh, so it's just easier not to deal with those people So like as cool as it would be if you had a progressive rabbi to be like, that'd be cool to have in here I get it. I get this is like reverential you know, but like

All it takes is like two people in here the other congregation would be super angry and it's gonna make my life miserable Let me ask you this. Have you googled like a band in churches? Yeah, there's one but the fire code is too low and then Yeah, I could look across the country, but then it's also got to work like acoustically some of them are like super echoey You know, if it's too echoey, then it's like Would you consider the band in church? No, I thought about that, but it's like that's not what I'm talking about You know, it's not just religious. It's a Jewish parking lot of the of the temple Yeah, there's that too, but then I've been I've thought about all this then it's like it doesn't look like anything

You know or like a Jewish recal center. It doesn't look like anything May as well just do it at a theater You know So we'll see I'll get it soon by boston or new york in the winter and then dunzo

Yeah, I wish you could I mean listen, I know it is the thing that I applaud you for you know, um Yeah, I mean at this point in the And what's going on? I don't want to shoot a special. I've already gotten in the theater or nothing Right. I think all the theaters have been beat up I think we've seen every theater. I mean, I understand what Lisa I almost kicked them at least in the parking lot, but then again Not really right because until they we got through something different. No, I know I think what we got to do is boost it up

It's a hundred percent make it great from start to finish And that's the way you stand out Mainstream comic is not going to stand out. It's too. It's it's what everybody watches, but it's too boring Nothing's you know, it's like well, that's way different You know, so no one really talks about it because everybody sees everything now What happened in Edinburgh where you see five shows a day or six straight days? You know, you see 30 shows and six days something like that

Eventually you just get bored So the things that everybody talks about are the ones that has a big powerpoint presentation Or a big, you know plant in the audience or something like that So that's what everybody talks about but everybody really likes all the other ones. They go see, you know But it's just not doesn't stand out. So a special I think to make this stand out Don't just like do something wacky You gotta do we it's gotta be like the best It's gotta be like so funny the whole way. I think and then people are gonna be like, oh, what?

Yeah, first was great First is great that airbag thing I felt bad about what i'm doing. I'm like boy, he makes me look at what i'm doing like a fucking Yeah, second shit. I mean, this is brilliant. I mean he took in layers He actually improvised a little bit which a lot of people don't do which I actually like on the special. Yeah, if you just you know improvise a little bit go off book a little bit A little bit show the people you are human take a chance. Yeah, take a chance, you know Um, yeah, I think his was the best. I've seen it. It was great. It was great

Yeah, fucking funny and like and he really showed who he was too. Yeah, that's like Albert Hall Let's zep one play that it was really pretty. I don't normally like looking at the You know, it was beautiful the audience, but it was like they had a few shots behind and was like fuck. Look at this Fucking beautiful It was shot beautiful. I think might find a great job Hey, this is what it is. So now you have to see are you at mind that level to shoot at that theater I say you shoot in kind of this this shows you normally do but a little bit better But you just did that Chicago theater or whatever it's called

Chicago theater Chicago theater Damn, bro You know, I have that on my on my wall still the the double poster of us The the three of us. No me and you The playing card. Oh, we went to the house of blues house of blue Chicago. It was for the guys We were walking out of there Just in our age and said look down the corner That's where you and already started a couple years ago. Not even the Chicago theater

Just tiny little 400 seats together 400 seats. Yeah, yeah, 400 600 seats or something. We did two shows Well, no, we did I think we just did one. Yeah, st. Louis. That's right. What was that place? I don't know what that played then we did buffalo The kid booked this in buffalo Years ago eight years ago Bright more than I think showed up. You know, I saw in st. Louis. It really got me thinking So, uh, I went on Did 35 whatever it was in my time then you went on

And then I was just walking out the back just looking at how it looked at, you know in the room And so they had a deck outside And you could go and there was you could see it through this big bay windows like garage door windows You know, but clear and you could they were pumping it out so you could hear it too And I was just standing behind everybody. I heard these two kids you started going to some story There's two kids go like I forgot what story it was. It was like the something story But I hadn't heard it before maybe I had but They were like, oh, he's doing the this story and they got a little excited about it

And then I was like, oh, so then I was like thinking about you and burt and stuff like that about What burt talks about the machine and it's like, yeah, people like what like a hit sometimes You know We had this discussion on burt's the other day. Yeah, when poor kid was on molly and you were fucked up Looking like uh, you know, you reminded me of fucking Wednesday That crazy guy from assman the writer Oh, and that fucking shot is what's his name shot his ashes out of a cannon Hunter s

You were laughing you had a cocktail in your hand You had no shirt on but one of the things we were discussing Was specials. Yeah against the storytelling show For me I know pound for pound Nothing helped my career more than no storytelling show. Yeah I'm telling you this right off the bat because I see when I get on stage and I'm taking pictures

There's always somebody who's got to be for me for that saying the story and I'm like For not saying what? Oh, yeah, that was six years ago. Right. We really wanted you to say that we came here You know for a long time. I was telling you I had two gay people come to my show Yeah I even had lesbian girls come in once with the fucking With the cornrows And they were like the the guy that was supposed to be the male the one that was supposed to be the male She said we wanted to hear the Martin the fag story, bro, you know, my my god

You know, they were gay and they said fag nobody said no, you know, I am like this guy So I think it also got you when you would do them was just the live ones all the time And you're like, you know every like four months you'd do one five months, you know, five times we did it It was like, can you do a story with this? You're like, yeah, I'll think of something You know, and you're always like Run to it, you know, really get something good And it's so weird when you think of a story when you want to tell like I love This is what I do love about getting on stage

I love getting on stage Focusing on a handful of jokes that I think I'm gonna say But then somewhere along the line, I have an opening And you go into something and I go into something along I fucking love that. Yeah I love that like just to and it's what Bill Hicks said where you Write to justify what you're telling them You know I'm writing to I'm I'm telling you this story. Yeah to justify what I'm about to tell you

So, you know, I'm going to shock. This is why I think this way So sometimes telling a piece from your life Like when when the senator got accused Of choking that girl 32 years ago. Who? The guy in the supreme court, whatever his name is that's fine. No Kevin Kevin all Okay, you have to think about that 32

Years ago when you were a 20 year old, let's just say 20 21 you between the ages of 21 and 22 Yeah, 18 and 22 You covered a girl's mouth at a party. Yeah, did he fuck you? No, he covered your mouth A guy like me gets really insulted by that. That's just typical bullshit. Why did you raise your hand for? What is the point of you raising your hand that he fucking he has no that he put a lewis he can you know So what you're telling me is he covered your mouth at a fucking party and you remember now 32 years later Well right now why you're laughing at me?

32 years ago. I was going to a gay bar to buy quailutes And I'd see two gay guys sticking their fingers up there as my bar mitzvah was 32 years ago Yeah, so I studied so hard, right? So when you tell somebody a story that opened, you know, I tell a story when I was 12 I had a fucking friend of my mother's who I called an aunt Yeah One day I went to a house to take a pee and it was during that puberty age When you got a hard on all the time and when I went to wash my hands

I saw she had a douchebag hanging. Yeah with the hose And I remember sniffing the fucking hose and whacking went off and Getting all dizzy any magazine my mother asking me not even have a magazine Oh, just your imagination just from the odor of the douchebags The willy wonka jerk off the pussy to to get the water in there. Yeah, you never seen your mother's hot water bag What most you're too young A water bag mother in america had a red hot water bag. Yeah, you filled it up with hot water It's supposed to be for your neck. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah the red one with the red one

Yeah, but if you look at the bottom, there's a hose. Okay, and you could there's like a little thing You would smell that No, and then you have a like a little Four-foot hose and then it would have something that looked like a skinny penis Yeah With the end of it having little holes so it would sprinkle your pussy So women would take like vinegar and whatever the fuck they would put Yeah, you stick it in your snatch and let the fucking thing drain out and then it would kill all the germs and everything

But that stick would smell like pussy and vinegar when I was 12 I didn't know a pussy smelled like so I would smell the stick and just bang went on The bathroom all red and shit and my mother would ask me what's going on with you and I would make a leave Like that. So are you gonna judge me for that? I did it one time That was my point You know what I'm saying? So right to let you know about cavern or covering somebody's mouth Yeah, that ain't dick, you know, and I told the story about when we lived in aspen Well, the last one was me kato and jimmy burkle. We did everything together

And kato would come over at eight with the new exotic weed So he would get weed from umbolk county This is when i'm a 19 year old kid This guy was already getting weed sent to him in a box from umbolk county All different strands every three days. He'd come in with a different strand and sell it to us In fact, I would give him money and go if you find anything just get it for me get it for i'm in the market And i'm him taking me him taking me to the woody creek divern And seeing uh hunter s thompson

I haven't seen him. What at the bar just there at 83. Yeah, that's what he's called woody creek divern So kato would take me down there. So it was halloween night it was on a monday night and I think he was from somewhere in minneapolis. I think minnesota was playing we could even look it up Minnesota was playing or something. So we Aspen has a big halloween parade. Yeah And our big plan was me. I'm 19 kato's 21 And jimmy's probably 23

And one of us had a plan to dress up like an abortion So we all got flannel underwear long underwear from the 80s. Remember used to go down to your ankles Then you had the white shirt that was thick We put that on white. We put like abortion And we put hangers around our neck What? Yeah, we were going to go to a parade dressed up as abortion So think about it when you think about cabin on

Well, guess what happened we ate quailutes. Yeah We ate quailutes and we started drinking And we're just getting ready to leave and all of a sudden next thing, you know, I'm getting woken up It's four in the morning like dog. We passed out. What the fuck So thank god. We never made it to aspen Because somebody would have fucking taken the picture and somebody would have been released Me with a hanger around my neck Which was worse years after years bringing an abortion on a fucking party

You know, we all are allowed to make those mistakes Didn't buy a lex house. We had a party once halloween party who's always have and somebody came in 2001 halloween 2001 as the world trade center mid attack so this was 55 days later 60 days later. No 50 days later And it was him in this big world trade thing a

Plane in it and then the nose out with an explosion all coming out It was an amazing amazing Um costume, but the timing people were Angry like a couple people were very angry. Yeah It was great. I mean, I'm a cop. It was so great Oh my god at the same time. How would you feel?

Horrible father had died then. I was not sure horrible I think you're gonna get in the head with a bottle of iron again. That's the kind of party it was Yeah, so for you to wear that you better be able to back that shit You better have a strong head in the helmet You know i'm saying because you're gonna get hit across somewhere Like you have to go to a party where people understand you That's a bunch of your friends. You just can't go like a bar in midtown There was a comics party that lady was invited randomly

Yeah, I can't even we all loved it. You walk into new york. Yeah, halloween with that outfit. Oh, yeah That'd be ballsy. This is this is the fucking I think it is all over best coast. Yeah, I think that's The smart thing would just be to call a cop And wait for the cop outside. I go look up. I can't get out of here. I woke up like this. This is the shit we train for To take these fucking morons now. What are you talking about? Listen? Let's take them in the back. I'll give you as each a nickel Let's take them to the Bronx and we're killing them in front of Yankee Stadium with the fucking alpha down. We'll make a statement That's what they would do in New York in the old days like if that was the 80s

Yeah, and you wore that fucking suit. Yeah, you're dead. That's by the way, that's what those people do online when they get angry at jokes It's the same thing like we really hate that. We'll do anything to you. Fuck. Yeah There's listen, there's some things that We were talking about the same thing Didn't holtson make a joke about someone in the original room And then people walked out Yeah, all the time So he said something really fucked up one time gotta walk some people. No, do you see have you ever I saw

Stan home walk in the room once in the most brilliant way. What'd he do? He just walked I think the room sat 220. Yeah, he probably walked 30 people. Wow. What's he was saying? What just horrible stuff or just like just go or all fucking masterfully. Yeah, it was 1997 And people were just not ready for Doug Statham. Oh, yeah, he came up But way before people were really commenting on shit on and on stage His opening joke not his opening joke, but one of his bits in the middle with the highlight of the set Was when you're drinking at a bar and somebody comes up to you and wants to buy Saw you roses at a bar. Oh, yeah, he's like, I come over here. He comes to you with a bucket of cunts

And he would say Cunts And the fucking feel the women's shoulders if you sat behind a woman Lee, you'd see a shoulder go like And then he would flow from there You know, why would he buy a rose and he could buy a bucket of cunts? And then he'd rather take a bucket of cunts home and right there. Oh my god, you see people slam the tabs down. Wow And then as they were walking out, he would attack them like please don't go nowhere

You haven't even heard me fucking the none in the ass routine And they would go, that's it. You're an embarrassment to comedy and the other people would be laughing in the audience That's one type of walking people I once saw two comics from seattle walker Really walker room everybody on purpose. I mean if there was 80 people 70 got up. Wow really walker room walker room remitton

Washington is a little island Across from seattle. You have to take a ferry there. Yeah, and it's very It's very military. That's the deepest point in the united states So that's where they have all the submarines watch out A lot of people on the planet. It's it's either birmingham washington or Well, I just say well in wellington bremsen bremsen bremsen bremsen somebody please correct me. Well, I'll listen to this There was a guy up there that was a great. He had a little bar. He feeds you He was like at the time in seattle. He was the comedy magic show

If you took the ferry over there, he paid for the ferry really he'd give you 10 bucks to take the ferry That's cool. I don't know the ucb ever did fucking sweetheart of a guy He feeds you. I don't know how many wednesdays. He put me up me josh wolf fridays And then one day he he called and he goes do you want to be a part of the show? What show this particular show? And it was like a dirty fucking show. Oh, he wanted like a dirty real R-rated show and said no

I don't know why I said no. I just didn't want to I don't know. I just it just wasn't for me. Yeah, the other two comics weren't for me that were They made a path amongst each other To walk the fucking room. Like if you don't I'm gonna walk them because they're like fuck these people I don't think sometimes if you hate the crowd you're just like no, no, no It was about they had something that happened with a bunch of kids Oh, the oklahoma bombing. Okay, and she she finally made a joke about the oklahoma bombing about the day. Wasn't there a daycare? Yeah

and bro You've never seen That many people walking dude, you got to try it. It's so hard to do it like the day after or two days after but man It goes south almost every time but sometimes you hit and it's so good When you get hit a tragedy joke when everyone's still feeling it. It's the best feeling But it goes it goes south a lot. You have to Be when you have a tragedy the problem with a tragedy. Yeah You better have a plan b

And plan b better be strong. For example, kevin kneeling Yeah Kevin kneeling. I mean what two or three months after fucking board dame died. Yeah, he had the most brilliant board dame joke I don't remember. Yeah, he's like, I don't fucking like board dame He committed suicide or something I don't know what the joke was but it was brilliant. Yeah, and when he says it But the beat to that was so strong That they forgot about and they took the ride with it. Yeah, because it's three months later

I wanted the day after I wanted when you're still feeling it. Yeah, no, I remember that you can make a 9-11 joke now One of the funniest things I ever heard was chris mcguyre Yeah, was that some gay him and his girlfriend went some gay riders house the friends of theirs that were gay And then we were eating dinner And one of the guys asked chris mcguyre. So I guess there was like three or four gay guys The one guy asked chris mcguyre. In the world at the time? In this dinner. It's fucking dinner The one gay guy asked chris mcguyre. So are you still opening

The joe rogan he goes, yeah from time to time the other guy goes, I can't stand joe rogan He said he called Let me call the queen a cunt two days after she died the queen of england remember Yeah, when she got hit run off the car. Oh, oh princess died princess. Oh, yeah gays love princess die called her a cunt All these gay guys is in the audience. There was a gay comic from boston That was fucking hilarious And he was a sweetheart of a guy and that's who they were with Oh, yeah, he brought his gay friends to watch him dude

Rogan went up and called that princess Diana cunt. Oh, they hated it and they fucking he's like He said that when the guy said cunt the other two gay guys went At the table and I was fucking One of the worst audience members is the two drunk gay young gay They are so self-absorbed when they get too drunk They'll hear they don't pay attention and they hear one thing they don't like and they go No, and they make it all about them because they don't like it not being about them in life

And they just fucking try their best and you just demean them. Just go shut up prissy pants We're sorry. We're not gonna be mad like you. There's no reason you're mad. Just go upstairs prissy pants. Sorry They're just angry. They just get so mad They're bad uh of the drunks sober. They're fucking great and uh one on one. They're also great The two drunk gay is one of the worst audience members the uh Latino too drunk. There's a problem a lot If you do anything where you show any bravado, then they're like they feel like they gotta do something

Like ice house kind of like, you know I'm gonna tell you who taught me how to deal with gay people. Okay. I never touched the subject When I was first starting out not until I got to the comedy store And the guy who knows how to work a gay you know who the best gay crowd worker Mr. Andrew dice clay really Mr. Andrew dice clay takes it so far He gets them to laugh at themselves. Yeah, and I've seen him do it. I saw him do that an open mic set on a sunday night He just destroyed these gay guys. They were Asian. Yeah, and he goes. I but what what do you do for a living?

What are you on the restaurant? Don't you? You know, like he just was just fucking berating He goes, what happens when I open up a fortune cookie at your restaurant? What does this say a chick suck my dick? I mean and they were on board. Yeah, and then one time I saw him destroy a table of gay guys Just and I was like, oh like I was shocked I thought there was gonna be a stampede And he just kept going and going and riding them and then he closed with the he didn't close the show But he closed the the bit he goes, let me tell you something UK fox He goes pretty soon. They're gonna build a building

The casino just for you faggots And I forget what he said it was gonna be called But he goes every 20 minutes It's gonna burst and cum's gonna fly on the top of the building And all you faggots are gonna be on the bottom letting sperm hit you and come on And right there That's how you deal with gay guys go right out about two months later. I'm in Miami And I think it's like Margaret show at lining. So I was doomed. Oh, yeah, I get out there

There's a table and I just was dying my material was dying because I was tiptoeing Yeah, yeah, you're going to go around them if there's a table of flamboyant gay man in front of you Don't tip don't let them run the room. Don't let them run the room Yeah, and right away I attacked them and I told them you're all faggots. Would you come here in a Volkswagen? All 18 of you is fucking each other up the ass at the same time And they were on board. Yeah, and all my fears about talking gay stuff went away You know, it's like when you go up and there's uh four black people in the audience. Yeah, guess what? They want you to attack them if they sat in the front for to drive you go to Idaho

And there's four black dudes in the second row. You see them. So you see the ones that are they want to get attacked Get go for it. They want you to fucking go out. Look at you four black motherfuckers living in this KKK town You have to address the elephant in the room. Yeah, there's white people all around four fucking black guys in Omaha, Nebraska You have to address that. Yeah, you have to then so watching andrew Yeah, work her room. Let me know how to address things. Yeah work around it And they're like a dog an audience like a dog. You got to train it. You got to fucking Punch it in the nose when it's not acting right. You got to reward them when they're acting well After I saw that that's the night I made that lesbian come up to show me a pussy

Oh, yeah, I take out my pussy if you take out your dick And I took out my deal Deal and it was a deal breaker lesbians like love too. Yeah, I'm not listen. I don't I don't I even from my When that walking happened Yeah, when that what that walking in seattle happened. It was 1996. Yeah, I was doing 5e I was I was a comic for five years That the five year mark

I I was stupid. I was a loser. I was addicted to coke But I knew that walking people. Oh walking you out. Okay, wasn't Why I got into this business. No, you don't want to try but sometimes You got to do it. Take that monkey. We'll talk about it. So, okay So I remember when we went to La Jolla once me you and Kelly Kirsten. You remember that? Yes. Okay. Hold on There you go like a doctor, Kelly It's tremendous um

I went on first Ah And then Kelly Kirsten went And I guess these people bought tickets for the wrong show. They bought tickets for Yeah For the main room of the comedy store where it was more clean Started at night our show starts at 8 and 10 or 8 and 10 30 Whatever, but they sat through me and they were like, well, this is way too dirty. That's when I was really dirty too

Uh, they sat through me and they took it like or maybe it's just the opener and then Kelly went on and she's fucking filthy She's a writer now. I think and she's filthy and then these two old people this couple they come out and they're like, listen This is what what is this? This is not we signed up for this is dirty. You said to be clean and they're like we never said to be cleaned Where did you call this hit the nine o'clock show? It's like that's La you call the la comedy store. No, we didn't it's like well We don't have a nine o'clock show and they do and it's a clean comedy show And they kept talking and we were sitting down by Where the the end of the bars with the stained glasses there and you just got up and you were headlining

But that's when they didn't come for anybody. You were just been there the longest, you know And kelly second longest and I was the newest it was just like they just send you down together So you hadn't been on yet and you get up and you go over you're like get the fuck out of here Get the fuck out if you're not gonna take it beat it get the fuck out and you start screaming at him all the way into the fucking sidewalk Yeah, you had up to here you're listening to him listening to him complain complain complain And then you're like get just get the fuck like they're not customers anymore, you know, you're just complaining on your way out fucking beat it Oh, it's so great to see yummy. No, like I'm so sorry. Mr. Misty as it comes There are many times I've seen people just get up and walk up

They turn around wait just let me get my tab That's okay. They walk out. I'm fine. That's cool. It's not for me. I don't like it a favor just leave I forgot I had to make a phone call. Whatever. It's okay. Don't don't stop at the desk girl or the desk person And break their fucking balls. Yeah, you didn't like it. What do you want? You want your 2250 back? Yeah, or you stop at the joint. Yes. I'm on your way out like a fucking coward. You can't even see them I mean this is gone. I love new york city Yeah, I love everything about new york city is where I was raised if you watch my walk It's my walk. It's my talk you can tell by the way he when I fucking read that

They had to put up a sign for bluish ck going to like Tommy's cell. It's not real I nearly it's not real. It's just people think they're supposed to be mad about something. It's not none of it's real I came from a society. You don't want to Let's go Yeah, oh no, it's not for me. I did actually me and my girlfriend Kate Let's go we went to see a comedy show at the comedy factory outlet in baltimore This guy was like They were this is like racists in the crowd. They just kept yelling at this black dude headliner

And he kept like dealing with it And they just kept like it was just got awkward. I don't know how much they intended or whatever But it's like, you know baltimore is like on the edge of like redneck and city and it was just like Weird and then she was like, let's just go and I was like, yeah, all right, and then we're like, hey, man It's not you we got here. This is fucking weird And he was like, yeah, he was cool about it the comic But I remember doing that just like, yeah, we're just gonna leave like it wasn't like a a thing

You know, I can't imagine like this movie is boring. I'm gonna go but as soon as like this sucks We just go just go. It's all right. You got a bad movie Mercy's godfather Yeah, I can name ten situate because he had the same tolerance I had really the reason why him and I got one Shut up. No friends after 40 years Is because I don't know how many times we were somewhere six minutes And then and we just looked at each other

Do me and my girlfriend do a shitty movie the other day and we both kept looking each other But nobody can make the call to be like you want to go, right? We're not the one that's sure enough to ask we just kept looking Just go up and go after you were like, I thought I wanted to go like I thought I wanted to go No, yeah, I never understood Go looking today. We live. It's your time. Today. We live with youtube Yeah, so it takes you two minutes to look up the comic and say I don't want to go see it It's not like the old days

I'll tell you who used to get a lot of slack. Who and I started working out. No, who our brother rogan Get a lot of slack for what when he was on news radio. Yeah People would go see him and you could ask him tomorrow. Yeah, you're gonna be on that one You can ask him I think one of the every five shows Some fucking body would scream out what no, no, no, no, no not even scream out. What? I'm talking, uh He would fucking

Somebody would come up to him and the worst place ever was in miami Someone comes over what it would be like three white chicks. Oh the white chicks. Hey them a white couple and they go, excuse me Can we talk to you for a second? We really weren't I was right there. I witnessed them saying we really were not happy with your performance We came to see joe from news radio and we came to hear all this abuse and women and they're all mad He would fucking launch that's when he didn't smoke pot He didn't give a fuck. He didn't give a fuck. He didn't have girls in the bar. He was a comedy store guy He would he would he would fucking say and I remember this one girl one day Said horrible things to him

And joe took it. It was me chris maguire and joe. I'll never forget this Yeah, and this bitch just wouldn't stop it joe Like if I had any time I would write a letter and let me say this is a forceful trail and he's like i'm a fucking fiction Whatever i'm a character. Yeah, i'm a fake fucking character of a tv show lady She said some more shit there and he's like, you know what were you a victim of dodgeball? She just walked out of there like she just ran out. That's the third group drunk white chicks, right? There's a when they're they're worse. They're so bad. That's the third group There you can't even deal with them. They're so fucking annoying

So just go right now at this point in your career. Yeah, are you still having problems at shows or people walk out? I don't think so, but I like to hear about I hear about once in a while It's not a problem and they're never like yelling. He's usually religious people for this hour It's religious people when it's just like, you know, they came for the for the saturday night And it's just like it's just too much, you know, does it bother you? No, if 20 people walked out of your show I would find it interesting But I really think like if you walk the line you want to walk the line, right? The line is fun You want to walk the line that means some people the line is on a straight line

It's more like waves so some people have to be over that line. Otherwise, you're not at the line yet You know that when people walk out, I mean Eleanor we're talking about this if people walked out in vegas It's like you need that because if you want everyone else to be like, oh Oh Like one of those laughs It's only that laugh because you know, some people are going to be like no That's not cool You know, you need those people walking out to make everyone else really enjoy it because it's like a line walker joke

Is it one specific joke? No, it's just that type of humor. No, I'm saying is it when they walk out of your shows? Oh, is it one? No, I don't think so. I think I think this if it's this year It's just because it's like too dirty or like they just really don't know what they're getting into But right, but they're adults about it mostly. They're just like, oh, it's not for me About three years ago. It's too much shitting on god. They're like, oh, I decided it's not what I signed up for five years ago Somebody ran out of a show mine in lexington And they were like, fuck you. Fuck you mad. Why? That was that time and then in st. Louis had a bunch of people walk out

But because the fucking pipes every time somebody flushed the toilet It smelled like shit in the club and I'm saying these people walk out of my heart breaking Yeah, you know, listen I'm trying to run a business here. Yeah, I'm not trying to serve shitty hamburgers. I understand That we live in a world. We all can't live in a life. Yeah, but in today's world with all everything we have available to us I yelled at Lee two years ago for going to see bad center And he goes, I don't see it. I go what's going with bad center the movie bad center too You couldn't tell it was going to be bad just by the trailer

Two is never good. Just the 20 there's no two that's ever good But I could tell A movie now from the trailer. Yeah, for sure You could and 90 percent of you over 30 years old and you can't tell From the trailer if this movie's gonna suck, you know, you can almost trail from the billboard You can tell from the where there's you could see I could tell from a trailer Our trail is cut. Yeah about what type of movie it's gonna be if these are the highlight right right movie And I'm gonna tell you what movie start the the most what what this is

I am when I did the movie with the narrow and Stallone It was the boxing movie. Yeah the trailer. Yeah, let you know that That was the movie me having a scene with him Kevin hard arguing with him The trailer let you know this is how honest I am. I'm not trying to like no, dude How about how annoying is it when you know I did it one movie and it was so bad How annoying is it when you know you just did a bad movie? First off

It's just that you don't know what's going to be a bad movie till you're shooting it Yeah, right till you're there if the experience is bad if the energy is bad That's going to come across on the film. Yeah, I did 20 of those But I knew that was getting into them 100 holiday movies. Right, you know those movies that you learn how to act in They're not gonna be any good You just shoot them to get the 700 hours for the seven days and over time and whatever I'll tell you what First time I saw a longer shot. I was not very happy

Really not very happy because it wasn't that comedy comedy. He was more like action comedy. I saw him Stick his finger in his mouth and put it in The reps here. I almost cried. You're like, no, I'm not part of that type of humor. Oh, no I almost cried. Yeah, and then you're like, what am I gonna do? Can I do you get the hot sweats and they're like, oh, fuck I gotta sit down. Oh my god I did analyze that the second one. That wasn't good. I remember you doing that. That was a big thing for us young commas Yeah, that was like what because that let's every that lifts everybody up. Yeah, you know It was two days with the narrow it wasn't everything was not the opening

That was the second one. Yeah, the opening the opening scene. Yeah, the opening scene. Yeah, right out the bad Boom, that's your idea two fucking years. All I got was one day One scene two lines One day one scene two lines and then I started booking two days couple scenes But you're always in the opening I booked three movies where credits ran through me

You know, like it was a fucking nightmare. You got two days, but credits ran through you. Yeah You're never gonna get the result that you want And then I got robbed a Rodney movie And that was like 11 days. Oh, yeah, harry basal The one of the worst movies ever put on tape Like even the tape I never saw it the camera kept turning off as they were shooting it. It's so everybody was in it Everybody everybody all star cast for the time. Yeah, I mean the whole top level LA comedy scene. Yeah Yeah, plus harlin plus, right? That's what I mean. Like the high level guy from the cherry chase movies

The one that escaped into Canada that were looking for him and shit That guy when he quade. Oh, yeah the fat chick the chick from cheers That was the bartender that ate all the color. No She ate all the cakes and shit christie Christianity christiality. Oh, yeah, christiology and me had a fucking allergy Me and her had a great scene where I'm whacking off and she's watching me and I'm watching her And I gotta whack off. I mean it was a fun movie to shoot But when I left there, I did not think I was in the one in oscar for my but you know what I'm saying, right?

Right, right, right. I've always known, you know, uh You always have a fucking idea This soprano movie. I can't even tell you because I don't know what he really I don't know really I don't know. I don't know what you mean with the days. We didn't shoot We weren't allowed to be there you know How many days were you on that thing eight?

Wow, how fun was that fun? That's your fucking thing You know, I've been thinking about like this year. Yeah, like the other day I just got paid for something in january, by the way Yeah, so did he in february on that check I just got the fucking check That's hysterical. Congratulations. You finally pay your car payment. I must have came here one day Hit it and then a week later told my wife. I still haven't paid them. I don't know what happened to the check And there it is. She's gonna die in the morning. I got about three checks like that

You know, how many times my wife will give me a check for the feature act on the road Really? I will put it in my wallet and then get to the airport go to give it to them and the check is gone And then I just found if you pay the feature check out of your own check You don't just have a club or the place pay them. Sometimes I give them both. Oh, right. Okay. You know, give them both Check. Yeah, they're fighting for their fucking lives. Whatever that. What are you gonna give them? Venmo? They're gonna get 50 fucking dollars. No, I'm saying What's a check? What's Venmo? Venmo is a way you can just do that without writing anything. No, no, my wife is an accountant

Everything gets a bit better There's no Venmo my fucking house My fucking home You know, there's fucking Venmo. I don't even I remember one night. I went to do a gig You know me dog. You know how I am about my money at accounting show. Yeah, it was one of those sunday night shows I don't know what promoter it was. He just hired me at the store sent me an email Don't I get down there at the end the two white kids are like, okay Give us your Venmo address. I go

What do you mean? There's no Venmo in the world All I know is everybody gives you an envelope with yardsticks. You better get it and they were like, hold on weekend. It's on the way 10 minutes. I had my envelope Whoa, because they were like, we'll just send it to you Venmo and you're like, no, that's not gonna work with joey Diaz No, no, no, they're trying to switch it out at the stand now to Venmo straight till you get the money in your account You can use it as your credit. I don't want it. Yeah But sometimes you like the cash in your hand. I used to give you 15 dollars a night and then people would rob the box

Right, so they stopped they gave you a check Oh, they used to give you the money. Yeah, I like the money in your hand. It's so nice Then the improv in your hand. Oh my god when I first moved here the improv Will put the checks right by the door So you could walk in and go to your home and I get my checks and she'd go go ahead And you just go through the checks. Yeah, I can't tell you how many comics checks I stole How do you steal their checks because they're right there? No, but I mean, how do you cash them? Just sign my name and put it in your account. Wow

And so it's great into your account. I would straight into your account Like I would sign names that I knew weren't gonna ask for them. Right, right, right Like I'm not gonna steal Lee's check. Right. I know he's eating doing out of it. He's asking about it Right, but you know Ron white. He's not coming in for his check. He's there with guys that had stacks of check You see it. They hadn't cut in a while that would collect So you know when I was really mad at bobby lee I would go in there I couldn't steal his checks, but I went in there and I just tore them up and I threw them away

So he wouldn't get them Just to punish him. I would go and tear his checks up hundreds of dollars and I'm like, he'll never get it I went down there with my night All those mc was at the store and paul mooney Ripped up his check in his face ripped up cut man. See us check You've been doing my jokes. This is my money That's what he said. He turned barrio into not only sent hood into barrio. I do the same joke I

Feel great you ready for another edible. No, not yet. First of all, I gotta be edible. I gotta piss. I gotta piss How do we do the piss not go? Are you doing that? I'm doing that. Okay by the time you get back. We'll be ready to go This break is brought to you by cbdline.com CBD line is the best cbd out there. How do I know? Because I tried it first and then I reached out to them And asked if I would be interested in them You know, maybe sponsoring the podcast. That's how it started

I did the tincture and they put me on a different fucking level And then they sent me the gummies. They sent me the vapor pens. They sent me the chatter I tried everything except the shadow. You guys know, I don't smoke shadow. I'll tell you what I was fucking impressed. The good thing about cbdline is listen, they're not like this gas station cbd shit You see everywhere if you live in california, it's all over the fucking place. They got cbd stores They don't even know what they're selling with cbd line. You go to their web page and you read the third party lab results It's right there in front of you. They do everything themselves from start to finish That's a real company. They care about you. Listen. I live on the tincture when I go home now tonight

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Deliver right to your house. All right. Go to cbdline.com Tell them uncle joey sent you how is your fear sit down? Let me have a water though. Take a water right from that. I don't want you to dehydrate What do you feel Lee you're feeling good Sure. Oh, yeah No, thank you. How many points did that put us over there that acid? Yeah, oh, how many what that's you somebody gave me a quarter piece of acid I meant to bring it in today. Somebody gave me a hit acid in Chicago. Really

It'll move on I had two more on an envelope and I knew where the one was the ones in my bag But the two I had one that I gave to Lee I just found them the other day. Hey, I said I'll save them for today and then I came find I know you're a handyman All right, I think I have a project for you that you'd like. It's easy Prove your life It's a drug box And you just make a regular box but you put some like Levels in it

And you write before you put the levels in it like the separators you write DMT you write MDMA You know Acid and then when when you have the drugs you just put it right there in the box In the little area marked You know DMT and then later when you're like, where was that? Oh, it's right there. You don't have to know the difference scene Two of them because it's already in the area. Do you see what I'm saying? In a box. I think it's time to eat another

Choose your poison. What do you want? No, no Let's take the acid No, I only have one hit. So you gotta chop it up. Let's chop it up into three. No What do you want pills? Oh, what do you like? We did it We did it down. No, I like it up. This is it. So that's you gotta give me the 200 milligrams part of the opiate crisis Do you see chappelle's bill about the opiates the bit about the opiate? Yeah, who gives a fuck? I'm living in here I'm telling you. Do you want to be part of the opiate crisis in that? Let's do one more. What the fuck it's a it's a how long did that one last?

How long does which one last? Hey, I'll give you a half of one. How's that? You want an edible instead? Sure. All right. This is mystery box. He's going deep. See you got you got to closely a different way Christ Do you not do do do you just slow down in the edibles? Uh, a little bit. You did we all slowed down a little bit. I still take them when I fly Yeah, I still take them on the road They're funniest response I ever had with you as you were eating the one of the cookies a day

I think uh an anti delores cookie a day And you're like, yeah, I had to stop and it was like why it was like too much too much weed You're like, no the calories the calories another cookie seven cookies a week. I was getting fat. Yeah Fucking banana bread that banana bread was you know, it was sick and rich. What are we doing like? What are you pressing buttons for these the fucking thing? What are you doing? Lee? Let's do this. Lee I'm gonna do it. It's on a puke. You're not gonna puke. You'll be fun. Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Wow, there you go. It's all over but the shop you're still having a good time doing comedy

Yeah, you're still loving living in new york. Yeah, it's also really fucking fun and cool Oh, do you find cool bars? and like There's just shit to do It's great It's great. He's just out among people. I don't know man Who does this bar we went to they play? Everyone picks a song. They have a bunch of like

fucking vinyl albums And then everyone picks a song from their list of vinyl albums they have And then the rate the dj plays those songs only one after another while you eat this like really great meal Yeah, and it's just wonderful and then your song comes on like 20 minutes. Like ah, that's the one I chose Yeah, it's great Yeah, there's like It's just so much fun. What's going on with the storytelling show we bringing it back Who knows maybe someday

Pretty nice, huh? I started sending out the right way store one fucking recently. I had a month. Yeah, I did. Oh, you do really? Yeah I'm trying to put this one man show together harry So I thought I could I'm like, oh, I could fit it all in one night. Oh was I ever fucking did I make a mistake? Yeah, I'm gonna break it up into sections And do all four sections lee taped the first one for me And I picked out some gems and I got rid of some other shit that could just to save time Let me tell you something

I don't see this one man show being in the two hours You know, I think we should do now for a while what I want to do is just like Do a bunch of material have fun and then like twerking the same places that you know a year later But with like new material but not like or special just like new material And then eventually you get this like a bunch of great material and then you're like And then it's like that's how to do a crushing hour jazz on that cast the fucking recipe three years three years One year in clubs one year in theaters and you tape the fucking day

You're patient You know, you're gonna naturally write and on top of that I only I do 18 months in between the cities To make sure they come out me to write Yeah cargo theater, dude. Yeah, there's no reason to fucking go. You know, I saw the weigh-ins there I bet you did the weigh-ins one year because they couldn't get the stadium for for both the first night and the second night So they couldn't do the weigh-ins at this at the place they were doing the united center So they did the weigh-ins at the ufc I mean that was before joker play it

We both looked at it like this would be cool one day to do but he wasn't even like though He did like a couple 1000s eaters And that was like that was way bigger now that you do it with us a little after that time. No, no, it was dunking Yeah, maybe it was me you me dunking and that was the chicago theater Yeah, I remember we were like wow you did that one that they hit the ufc and that's pretty cool And you did that now by yourself. Yes What are you gonna do It's pretty cool

That's pretty cool. That was two days ago. Now we gotta do something else That's why I don't worry about the fuck or whatever where people like can you believe this what's happening? It's like everything's going better than ever Listen here or there some people catch a cold real bad you get like hard walkouts Of the whole like everybody getting mad at you online, you know, I mean, but it's like that sucks We could do one time my favorite audience member ever is at the comedy store in the main room Where it's like a little more clean than I am or you are you know um

But not because that's what we thought Yeah, that's what really as long as you go in there with that who gives a fuck they they fucking suck it up Yeah, I used to be hate that fucking main room because I always thought I had to play a certain tone to that main room Ever since I threw that tone out the window I've become a way better comment Yeah, I would do it once I got to like I'll do this like the or actually where I'm gonna do some crowd work a little bit First and then get into it, you know Instead of this presentation or whatever what the scary thing is that you

As a young comic when you got into the store you looked at the main room as this distant thing Like you couldn't like what like you look at it. There's all the heavy hitters were there So it's like I guess I gotta put on a show and she'd always make you fucking Follow somebody who's gonna torture you he's heish Oh, is that what you had to follow? No, but no, but I can imagine following that he thinks before I got in there Oh my god, tell me about he's he's had characters. He had cutouts It was the biggest fucking show and he crushed

Oh my god, he had a fucking gospel band behind him He would just go come out come back that that fucking Japanese American fight in the planes He would crush so hard turn around come back with some fucking massive. It was like half Carrot top half like fucking Iron maiden the level of fucking run around he had You know, I believe when he was oh With with the tabernacle choir. Yeah, the tabernacle choir. We're moving on

They were they were all like fucking statues. Okay, so he didn't he didn't travel with the choir. No, he strapped them on Oh, you couldn't help it man. He killed you. He doubled you over And they'd be like fucking people clapping behind them and shit. You have no idea. It's a vagus show That would work in la. Yes. That's how good it was Not the original room. It was stopped in the main room in the main room He couldn't relate to the room in the original room I saw him try a couple times and he killed in there too But no, it's easier for the main room because he had the space behind the stage

But a vagus style act shouldn't work in la and it was so fucking strong that it was like no people there were like This is fucking great But it's a vagus style comedy act That worked in this fucking city of He always went up early. So thank god. I never had to follow that motherfucker. He always went up at like 9 45 I wasn't really I was gonna say they'd close with him now at two in the morning. Why would you close with him? He's fucking does this big magical clean spot clothes, but who could I mean you're saying it was hard to follow You're not gonna follow. You're not gonna close him. He wasn't that the late part of the half

Was for the index. Yeah the company store. Yeah, he was up at 9 45. Yeah, I didn't really ever follow It was where it was fucking mitzvah You didn't have a choice. It was mitzvah mitzvah put him on because he was such a big act He was going on the road that I remember his main room was alabama the birmingham And that was the biggest room in the country at the time. Yeah at the time in the late 90s That seat like 430 I don't know if you've ever been there. That's a big fucking room So that was one of his big sweet heart of a guy. He types. Yeah, sweet heart of a guy. Yeah, just basketball

I think he's on ships now Well, he disappeared from the store Where'd he go what happened to him? He made me move. Maybe he got married to a pasadena once But yeah, I always assumed he was like Doing massive theaters. I don't know. Is he not He should have you know, I don't know what happened to him. I don't he killed There was something. Oh my god. We were like a him and sanchez him

There was three or four, but you know, you always used to kill Luke Torres Luke Torres would kill in the middle. There you are Luke Torres got a standing ovation one night in the original They I'll tell you who else used to kill in the original room in those days. Pierre Black pier black pier. Yeah There was a lot of guys at the store in those days too. It just wasn't the place to be Right. No, we weren't getting Sarasota. I mean, Louis C. K wouldn't go in there You know, bill burr was in new york by that time

Nobody was really going in there Brogan was going in there But see it was going in there during the weekend bumping My lunch was gone. Dyson griffin. We're coming in and you and griffin. Yeah, those are our big fucking torture chambers And you'd have to sit there all night and wait for eddie griffin to come on If you wait in line wait in line wait in line and then eddie griffin shows up It's like, well, let's go to between one and six hours Once eddie griffin showed up for a guy like me. It was milletime bitch. Give me the money

No, there was no money. Well, fuck. Who's gonna give you money? There's no money. You got 15 dollars If you didn't go up, let's say you didn't give me the 15 that's bullshit Worker's rights. That's bullshit at the comedy sale. They'll give you money If chapelle goes on and goes and does the fucking whatever They'll be like you can get paid which they should have to do The time's filled. Anyway, the time that you would have done is filled. So give me that money It's already we don't like it. We don't get to go up. Give me the money at least remember that tuesday nights because of the

Guy tori show Yeah, it was so intimidating that nobody white will go there on tuesday in the whole building Yeah, the word got out that listen you're overpowered in there That's when the manager got held at gunpoint and who eddie griffin had to talk him down Yeah, no, there was a scary point there, but tuesday nights guys like me I needed that 15 dollars. Yeah That was 30 dollars out of my pocket every two weeks. Yeah, I was saying it's a that's a big amount of money That was 30 dollars. I gotta get it and you would stay by the union. You would do felipe's room

But all night you had to keep calling the comedy store on tuesdays and they go We have four people come on down And you'd pray that two more people walked in. Yeah, you know many times I pulled in and you had to They'd had to move at the bar come on in guys. No, you had to fucking go into the original room Pull out of the parking lot. There'd be black people everywhere It was it was guy tories night and then you had to walk and they tell you the show just got canceled Oh Because they can never call you by the way

They get the shows canceled that people are still on the lineup an hour from that And I'm like you can at least call them they haven't left yet. They would call you they would never call 30 minutes Nobody cared But those times listen if you have a spot nobody cared they never called you you got a spot at one o'clock. Yeah You're there at 11 30. Right. Well, what's he gonna do? What are you gonna do? I mean, that's true. That's true Unless you got a spot somewhere else. That's true If you got a spot like one o'clock You already did a spot and you're at the store at 11 30 go hang out with your friends

You're gonna go see get a joint. Yeah fucking have a drink with this guy. All reason down So you knew already you knew. Yeah, you know, damn. It's a different place now. It's a different fucking place You miss it when you go to New York. I miss the idea of it though I mean, it's a little it's it's a little different I know I still like it though. What are you there tomorrow night? Um, yeah, I'll be there tomorrow night. I like hanging out there It's just like it's a little too popular So it's it's lost some of that vibe

But like just hang out and chill out Try to have a talk with somebody you get interrupted 25 times It's just like listen you get interrupted down there. Well, it's crazy or not Whether you want or not every time you start a conversation Get ready to get interrupted by somebody with a fucking question and it's not even The people who come to the show them. I can't it's comics comics a lot I was trying to talk to rogan one day about something. We just got a fucking female comic Can I just tell you how I feel about you? Just why would you do that? I don't know you

Why would you tell me that? I didn't have a conversation didn't even excuse us? All she wanted to do is to see if she'd get on the podcast And he immediately fucking turned his head and we walked away and she just ruined this conversation We're talking about comedy or something. It was getting good too. We're talking about specials and some shit You can't have a fucking conversation down there Unless you and even in the back If you go back there on one of the big popular shows there's 80 people back there. It's across the globe Nobody knows how to fucking act in the world. I don't know nobody knows how to act

There's a fucking universal room. If you're not going on stage get the fuck out of the green room. Oh, yeah Oh, that's my haven. So what do I got to do when I do the main room? Somebody should go in there and punish them No, you're not in this place. You're not a regular You can't You know be the judge or whatever if you don't like regular or not, you know what I'd pay regular or not Are you with somebody? You know what I do? I get a chair and I sit by the piano Yeah, and I sit down listen to the ghost. Yeah, that's a comic con stage and I go fuck it Who's better than me? I'm at the comic store

What do you got this weekend? Texas where san anton dallas houston san antonio? Lol, hello. Well, yeah one night one night and then you go to where addison one night. Oh shit this day All right. Yeah, I like doing this juice shit in in cowboy towns. Okay, and then houston for two nights Friday saturday and friday saturday Then me and bridge a conquest This is the guy who's opening for me there Both cowboy fans both going driving back from houston to dallas for our very first

dallas cowboy game at Texas stadium. You know I've been there before I've never been there never even checked the tour wanted to all this time Couldn't afford to stay an extra day for a while and then like You know Boom, so we're doing it. It lined up with what I was doing. You got a nice ticket. No, I didn't have a ticket yet I still gotta get a ticket. How are you gonna get a fucking ticket? They're expensive as fuck. Oh, they don't fuck around Damn, welcome to down. I thought for fucking when they have 198,000 seats, you know, you'd have a couple 20 dollar ones No, I was pipe dream. Well, it's gonna be a break-even week for me

Yeah, oh, I can't wait to go to these yankee games. You know, it's the Yankees year this year Who do you claim baseball friday? Who do you claim baseball? I'll claim nobody. I got no fucking time to play games What was your joke? That says minus seven. Yeah That's it. I'm taking the seven I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I know the Yankees are playing friday. The series starts in new york Fucking I do not Want to be in new york doing comedy. It's gonna be crazy friday night friday saturday

Dude, I can't wait those the Yankee games are so fucking fun in the playoffs. Do you go? Oh, I go every time I can Every time I'm in town. They're whatever they are. They're whatever they are. They're whatever they gotta be Yeah, I gotta go sometimes 75 sometimes like 350 You gotta do it whatever they're in the playoffs and that's your team and you're at home And you have enough money to spend on the tickets for the first time in your life. What do you take when you take the girl whoever No, I was good She's an ace fan. I was gonna take her on ace the one last year, but they were screaming at anybody with green I'm glad I did not

Whoa, speaking of green. Who's ready for an animal? What are we doing? I know hurry. What are you doing? You're gonna stay at that museum? It's I feel like I'm in a great place right now. You got the fucking you got the What time is it? What time is it? Show me the real time. You got a 10 28. You got an hour and a half to your pumpkin breaks There you go. Eat that fucking thing I don't worry about none. We'll give you something to calm you down to I got some free to go You fall asleep in the uber nobody'll bother you in the uber

Fuck yeah, you fall asleep on a lift you wake up with a dick up your ass And you can't press charges because you turn the camera off. He's got a fucking tolerance. He looks like a fucking nothing He looks like a fucking japanese rendition of a thing. Don't worry about it. Leave him alone. Eat your little pill there It's tuesday nights monday night Either you want to you know If that bitch can't swim she's bound to drizzan, you know, so you want to really make it happen Take a needle pop and drink the juice. That's what I did there at the airport. Really? I ate two of them Why? That's a great question. You're not gonna believe this

One of them fell out of my pocket. So I put it. I have I have earphones Yeah, and I have an earphone case So I put the caps on the earphone case and as I got on the plane From chicago on saturday I opened up to take the earphones and the thing was starting to leak the earphones pierced it So I really wanted to leak all over the bag I took the pill I squeezed it under my tongue and I ate the pill and I took my finger and wiped the thc juice

Rub it under my tongue I was asleep. I woke up Justin was behind me You guys fly back together. Yeah, that's nice. Justin. Okay quickly. Oh, that's nice and I did Justin was in road two. I wasn't gonna switch with him, but you don't want to sit next to your friends on the plane At night, you won't shut the fuck up. He wanted I know he wants to sleep So I woke up, bro. I woke up when the lady was asking. What do you want for breakfast? I said, what do you got? She said some cheddar cheese. I'm gonna

Forget it. Give me the oatmeal when you take the oatmeal American Airlines. You take your life into your own Really? You think you're like the chinese guy and then Bruce Lee move That's America went downhill It wasn't bad. I give you a little cup of fruit. I don't touch the greek yogurt. I don't like greek yogurt I like the regular malookia yogurt the vanilla. They don't give you that. I didn't touch the bun Bro, I was so high. I thought I had a move But I woke up in the iPod and played through What do you mean? Like I fell asleep my iPod on and it had played every till every song was gone

Yeah, the Beatles I ran it in the 120 when you just run that one system. It's called like random shuffle. Yeah shuffle. Yeah Oh my god all the way through it Oh, you have no idea we're like I said And I remember sitting down and putting my glasses on eating that edible Yeah, I don't because even the plane high is the best high And you wake up and you're there. Ah, and then it's just like you're like what wait. Where am I? What's happening? I was fucked up. Yeah, they're all in the aisle and you're like wait And I'm thinking should I get up to go to the back?

Fucked up to get up. I'm gonna sit right here. So I just do my legs like this I do my lap calf raises Because the calf muscle is the is the heart of the leg you want to keep your blood going So I'll just sit there and the calf raises in my chair I was fucked up. I was passed. She said that we were delayed because she goes she didn't know that Joey I go know what she goes we sat the thing for 45 minutes I That's all you have no clue

It's the best. I just remember waking up the lady Fucking asked me what I want for breakfast. Yeah passing out again Her tapping me on the thing me waking up. I'm giving me breakfast being hired and fucked. Yeah. I don't know what was playing. I think it was uh Down in the hole I woke up. I had hailed half the oatmeal I fucking ate the fruit. Yeah, I like looking out the window right then and no, I said I think the ousie Oh, you do. Yeah, okay Dude, I do it like an adult now. I fucking snack up before I get multiple different nuts

multiple sweets Maybe an orange if I feel like eating some healthy and then fucking straight candy I'm ready anytime I wake up. I got snack food ready to go Ready to fucking crush a protein bar a protein bar that's what and I bring xanx So I don't have to bring the service cat. What's a service cat? I got a service cat No, you do not. Yes, I do you bring super bad on the road with you so you can get the better seeds. I've had it. Yes Super bad on the road, you know, I'm like jar jar newborn 74 showing up with a cat dog

Yeah, I said I got sick and tired of these people showing up with ugly dogs If you could travel with your ugly dog, I'm bringing a service cat I'm sorry to bring a xanx or the cat. What do you want me to do? Oh, I'd be so mad. I'd be so mad I'd be like, no, come on. I'm allergic to these Oh my god, I gotta tell you this then we'll wrap it up. What you know, I'm getting a dog a friend of mine called me His father's like a cardiologist. I'm thinking because I'm gonna send you these pills They help clean out the black around your heart start eating when he sent them

It's just high-powered garlic. Yeah and Three four hours after you eat these things. Yeah, your asshole does not fart. It has explosions Explosions that you actually go off the chair a little bit like an inch or two. Yeah, like that loud or anything. So I had about four of them. I got on this plane and I sat next to she took the inside window I love everybody. But this bitch was the most annoying lesbian ever She's one of those white chicks that would complain in a comedy show. Yeah She had all her talking loud and it all was on face time

You know, she was just annoying. Yeah And then to make things worse. She took out like a paper And started reading the fucking paper. It's just like plenty of people don't like me You're the only one making a problem. She took her shoes off And it's oh feet It's mother feet garbage people. But by the looks of her I could tell you what a pussy smelled like it smelled like nuke Oh, and I said fuck this. I'm putting this bitch in a different orbit. I started fart And I could see her after the third fart. She would wave the newspaper like to get air inside between

I was farting I I was fart with this one leg up So it was ricochet and off the back of my calf. Yeah, it would go straight in our direction I drove after the third or fourth one, bro. She fell asleep with the newspaper I Did you just take a fucking he'd take a bag of weed and put it in his crotch And then we're on the airline like we're in the air We take it out when you're sleeping and put the whole fucking like a baggy that big

If illegal weed and put it under your nose, you know, what the fuck are you doing? It's so fragrant and that was Let me put it back in sometimes I would take the bag and spin it around the ear. Oh my god. It was crazy Yeah, it's so enticed people everybody going You know where he's coming from There's a secret on the subway when you get a bunch of weed you gotta take it back and you reek of weed You go stand by a black dude and then everyone just assumes it's the black dude who's got the weed I don't know what you think go all this shit up yourself. You're a regular fucking refined stein

I'm in new york, you know what you figure it out. Um, uh, this has to use the motherhood of adventure I told Thursday night. Where are you? San Antonio, okay, Dallas, Houston from chicago Yeah, two shows four shows you doing six shows all together. Yeah, you're fucking beautiful, baby. You're back out there Yeah, fuck these bitches Yeah, my last time when tonight you last hurrah We did 300 milligrams of afx fucking minerals. We did two toots roots And then another we did a couple bong hits. Yeah, and now we'll take a little

To go what's it go? Where are we going? I don't understand. We just took a hell of drugs. Where are we going? This is a light night for me guys. I want If it was up to me with silly two edibles apiece, we'd be running at 500 milligrams You wake up tomorrow after freedom You wake up tomorrow morning. You look out the window. They ain't nothing to do tomorrow You go right back to sleep because if you get up on this thc juicing you smoke 11 you go back to sleep Anyway, oh fuck lee. I won't see him tomorrow till fucking He'll be he's an anti son anyway. So he's like

Jewish vampire You don't see him on the sun at all So thursday lol friday adison. No thursday lol friday adison wednesday lol friday adison. No, no wednesday lol thursday adison friday saturday houston But if you're not there, I got a special on netflix called double negative And watch that and then you know, this is the next thing i'm doing. So what's your plan for yoke? What give me your Prediction to sober october

Okay, who's gonna win? I'm gonna win because I am the only one who has a real life and who's not getting serious trouble with their wife So what do you mean? How are you gonna get in trouble with your wife by getting healthy and stop doing drugs? It's very annoying Whatever you have to do. It's just very annoying Um Yeah, well, it's no fun. It's no fun when I have a glass of wine with dinner. Do you have to work out also? There's some blessings we're doing. What kind of lessons all sorts of lessons like what? um

Plan is whatever fucking lessons you gotta do jujitsu or fucking taibo or anything You gotta do 10 of them I hate that shit so much for the whole month for the whole month Yeah, that's a piece of cake. Yeah, it's just annoying to have to learn. So what are you choosing? Uh, I'll probably do a jujitsu class I'll probably do a couple like uh spin classes or something maybe uh Maybe um, like a language class. Maybe a couple spanish classes

Yeah, that counts for exercise. Yeah class. I don't know fucking class. No, no, no, it's gotta be x Why why does it have to be exercise? You know, you know, why can't you work on yourself? It's a human being You know, Joe, why do they revere the fucking body when it's the mind that we all know we should revere because Joe muscles Wants it to be a muscles. He understands You gotta pay into this. Is he gonna read your fucking mental health is rogan gonna. He should everybody should what about what? Would it burk right? The only thing burk right your fucking reads is recipes. I know If it's longer the word longer than ragu. I'm not interested a fucking ice cube Two mint leaves. That's it and sagura. What the fuck does he read? I don't know. Okay, then

So what are you talking about? What is the athletic challenge this year? Do you have to wear bracelets? Yeah Back for the bracelets. Yeah, there's some bracelets. Okay. I gotta see exactly what they do tomorrow So you put them on tomorrow. Yeah, it's official on the first. Yeah, they measure everything Oh, Jesus Christ Are they drawing blood because if it's up to Joe I have what's a mic once a week. He's that motherfucker and put it back in he was telling me once already

I want to show you we draw your blood to show that you're clean. Yeah, but can you be like I'm not gonna be No, I'm not giving anybody blood. I don't care what you fucking pay me. Yeah, you know how long it takes me Every time I gotta even think about giving blood. I gotta fucking drive. Yeah, my god. Fuck that Listen, I'm happy you came up. I'm happy. I got to see it's been a long time since you've been on the church I think the last good one was the acid church but this was quite as enjoyable I could see your face and your eyeballs

changing As we speak, you know what I'm saying? Don't forget me you bad motherfuckers next week friday night the uptown theater in kansas city Followed by the next night at the paramount theater First show sold out. We had the second show Do what you need to do denver come out and support. I did time in your fucking state I don't care if you gotta drive from gunnison. I'm gonna be in denver talking about your beautiful state I started there. I can't wait to go home. I'm gonna fucking get off the plane

Never big bowl of green chili. Oh, that's it's good. Go back and take a nap the first shows at seven Second shows at 9 30. Which one wears it out the paramount theater. I gotta fucking I gotta fucking eight 9 30 flight out of out of Colorado that gets me here like a 10 something verb bank Are you fucking kidding me or what? That means I get up in the morning. I go for a bowl of green chili before the airport. I'll be up early anyway In kansas city. I can't wait. I'm gonna get there the night before I'm gonna go to that kickbox in school. Yeah

That way I went last time my boy takes me for some fucking barbecue I go to you know, I'm just worried about next week. I'm not even going nowhere this weekend this weekend I'm at the store but next week and friday night The 11th. I'm in kansas city in the 12th. I'm at the paramount theater real quick Listen, we're a couple weeks into football season and there's no better time to put place a bet You're like winning money, correct? Who doesn't I'll tell you where to put your money down at you ready? My bookie dot ag If you're trying to bet on the nfl

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Go to honor.com right now. I'm pressing church. Bam I get 10 percent taken off and delivered right to your house. Listen. I want to thank my bookie I want to thank honor. I want to thank cbd lion But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having my back and for supporting aria and pray and myself Lisa. Yeah, the next couple years. You guys are fucking troopers. I want to thank bobblingus and uh brian morton From zanies who came out to the show and said hello, you know, I love you guys with all my heart Have a good fucking day. It's sober october

I don't know nothing about that shit me. I'm gonna keep smoking reefer until they put me in the fucking casket. All right Stay black. See you in kansas city. Lee kick this fucking mule Oh Oh Oh Yeah Oh Oh

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