Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #724 - Crystal Powell

Episode Date: October 3, 2019

Crystal Powell, a stand up comedian seen on "Kevin Hart's: Hart in the City" and performed LIVE at Super Bowl LI, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:    Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $25 off each of your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your complete hair kit for just $5 while supplies last.   

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One of my favorites crystal powell It's rasha shawna the christ killers got his shirt on And your uncle joey's ready to rock this motherfucker on a thursday Coming down from that battery asses from monday night Cause you're running for your health. I got a real friend dropping bombs on your mom the fuck car line. What? Oh shit It's like a jungle. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under this motherfucker. You understand me? It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under. That's my question It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under

Oh Shit move those hips motherfuckers. It's thursday. Maybe if you're lucky you get a little sucky sucky Take it leave Fuckin 40 years ahead of this time The crystal powell's in the house today comedian Fucking tremendous all around young woman. Thank you hails out of the great state of texas The one that god created personally created texas person had to

Not much happy to be here. Thank you for having me. You look beautiful as usual never missing a beat Bringing that sisterhood into the motherfucking church because we need people calling this motherfucker At the time the spirits start complaining They want some black people and chinese this month A spirit came to me and they're like we need a black dude on a chinese chick or something Let my people go. It's good to have you. It's good to see you here. We met through kina over at bully busters And it was really funny. I live in a weird world right now. I live in a world that People think I could fucking heal all the problems that I can't yeah, and you know what man

I'm not looking to do your podcast I'm not looking to be on your show. I'm not looking to do your show right now. I'm just looking for friends Yeah, and it's so weird how when people approach you It's always something and by the way And it gets old. I cannot say nothing, you know a couple weeks ago sam triply asked me Do you get perturbed? When people bother you to do rooms and stuff like that. I don't know you have to get Preterved when they stop calling you that's when you get mad right now. I love what's going on

It's the people think they're pulling the wool over your eyes That kills me, you know last week you and I had a conversation that my wife and I talked about for two days It disturbed us so much really and it had nothing to do with us, but It's my biggest fucking pet pee Fucking with comics. Yeah, I don't like it I don't like it and you know what 20 years ago. I was the type of dude. I want to burn his house. I hit him with a fight Now because of whatever You could blast him on facebook the situation was you went to do a show and he used to not to put it on blast

Let's talk about yeah, let's talk about it. We got to educate comics here and what happened I don't know if you've been doing comedy for now. I've been doing comedy nine years now Where'd you start? I started actually right here in los angeles Yeah, ha ha because I've always lived in the valley So ha ha was and this was the original one not the new one that we have now And so that was kind of like my home club So I would just go around there doing open mics and just kept on staying in the valley And then I moved away moved back to houston because I got married. I failed for the dick

So I moved away It went back to houston But it was actually better for me because I was like a big fish in a little pine because I was coming from la So that's when I actually started getting to the houston improv And then that's when I did comedy central with kevin and when I came back. I was stronger, but It what happened in houston. It was just it was unfortunate and you know now my personality Non-confrontational. I don't like to argue. I don't want no beef But I do feel like if we it hadn't been a full cast of women

It was my birthday show So it was only females on the show and they duped us at the end and I don't back to houston How long were you married for? Um, I was married for five years. I'm actually separated now as we're still not divorced But I was married for five years So it's a blessing for me because you know people don't leave leave wants to take hand of date You're not going after you get separated. Yeah, I'm gonna try to wait. I'm a wait I'm a you know, I got some shit in me, but I'm gonna wait till I'm at least fully divorced at least

I don't put that on him. I don't want them problems. No, I was gonna send at least at least he saved me from some embarrassment So those five years you went back to houston. Yeah It was like You were running amok because you had seen What the major leagues exactly and now you're in the minor leagues and you appreciate it a lot more. It's a fucking You know, I went back to new york in 93 and did nine months on this new york circuit and it

Fucking happened me right back into reality, you know in colorado I was getting calls from friends. They had bar shows in new york. Everything was a bringer show So I had to sell drugs just to get my friends to come to the fucking shows You know, I would I'll get the coke for you. Where you gonna meet me? I'm stuck in new york. You have to come to the new york comedy club. Just pay the 10 bucks I'll take care of you. I'm taking care of you. Just pay the 10 bucks. You're one of my bringers And then I said fuck this. I went to colorado and like it It focused everything in

It was like I was doing comedy for two years unbalanced Going to new york and seeing the struggle Put me into perspective and I went back to colorado like a fucking, you know Maniac. Yeah, like one of dunk cones fucking missiles out of korea I went back and I didn't look back because I knew how the struggle was So you were back there for five years. You got to you did all those cody What those fucking room tacks of dina All of that on row

All of that whole, you know, we even get close, you know, oklahoma dallas that whole southern southern route But you're exactly right. It made me appreciate especially now being back in la like this is the big leagues Like you can call, you know in in the south in texas and even like compare new york to denver like It makes you appreciate the struggle when you get back to the the bigger cities like los angeles I try to have pity parties, you know every now and then be like, ah, but then I'll be like, but you're in the major leagues Like this is this is the mecca. So you're not in tally hasley florida talking about man. I can't get up You're in los angeles california at the comedy store You know, you're at these monumental places

So I just have to put on my big girl panties and and and keep it pushing, you know, I gotta come with the conclusion I'm getting older No, you're getting I'm getting older, you know, and I can't lie to you. I feel it from time to time You know, I fake the funk Oh, yeah, you see me out. You know, and it's really weird when people like I am go joey and I'm like, I really wanted to But I'm gonna point my life where you have to conserve energy because I don't know what's coming I'm gonna point my life. I might get a call tomorrow and they're like, hey dog This dude fell out of a movie and your name came up. We need you eight weeks Atlanta, george

Let's go and if I'm burnt out, I'm gonna go on to a situation burnt out So I look at like when I was an open mic, I was burnt out when you're an open mic He's supposed to be burnt out. No sleep three hours drinking smoking Fucking that chick It's what it is. It's five years of hell basically, you know, it's you know, for you in texas That means you better get used to driving everywhere Everywhere and then I remember driving 11 hours one time From houston, this is after a long time. Texas is big. So Texas is big you a day to get just across it

I was in houston and my buddy was at the barn. He goes, hey man The headliner fell out midland The whole team fell out midland You want to go and I'm like, fuck let's go until I went home and looked at that Wait, where are we going and I agreed to do the fucking drive with this dude. We left them like before doing coke And then at like four I slept for three hours and I woke up and drove because this is 11 hours, right? Yeah, that's a midland. Yeah, that area. That's like 11 12 hours. Yeah. Oh my god You know and you're still not even at the end of the state

I used to go to fucking houston Pay a girl rent like a douche to sleep on the couch And I would live with her from monday to wednesday She lived on westheimer And I would fucking she did down the block from taco cabana Them motherfucking tacos for breakfast will just rock your world She lived in the gay area like westheimer, but she was close to montrose

Which is some of the best food in the country as far as i'm concerned with i mean that place will fat you the fuck up if you let it And I would spend my whole summer. I would book You know froggy bottoms and Out with what's texas data Lubbock. Yeah, love it. Who goes to love? Yeah, I was gonna love it Oklahoma city. Yeah, all of that. It's just texas arcana Texas arcana is where the magician went up Jerry roger said a magician. It's so red neck a magician went up

He ripped the paper in there and people in the audience were like he's satan He's the son of the devil They started throwing holy water and shit because they're not you know texas these move, you know There's some of these knackadoches. I I never really had a room a problem in texas with a red neck room One night in conroe the dude in front of me started talking shit and that flipped the show But I never had a problem in texas. I did you could say whatever the fuck you want on the outside of texas Austin you got to be a little careful. They're a little uptight. You can't talk about like in houston You can't say bush on state man. Trump either or trump either

Austin you could say shit about trump. Yeah, you could talk about bush and they'll all clap It's a college hippie town. It's a college hippie town. Yeah, so how was it like for you those five years being married? You know what? It's crazy. That's really kind of Being married when I used to hear people say being married. It was the hardest shit I was ever going to do it got me closer to god However, it made me focus more on just comedy But in my situation it was tough because i'm a woman You know as you can see and so my husband at the time couldn't handle

You know if I'm if I get off set if I get off stage You already know if I do a great job the host is supposed to come up and piggyback off of what I said Let's make this shit even funnier blah blah blah But you know the host would come up after me and be like god damn you see the titties on this bitch I want to fuck shit out of her meanwhile You know my you know he was from new orlin So I got him coming from the back of the stage wanting to kick everybody ass and in his rightful So somebody's disrespecting his queen, but I'm up here to do a job

So I need you to hold all of that inside and it caused me it caused That's really the reason one of the reasons that I am we separated because he just He couldn't handle the disrespect and he'd get mad at me because I wouldn't let him go Why the fuck would you take him to your god damn show? Well, you know shit at that you gonna tell your husband no you can't go Yeah, you know well it got to that at the end it was like and if you can't yeah Because he couldn't handle it. He could not handle that is the toughest Yeah part of being a comic

Is you become a it's like I always think about this. I'm gonna meet dinner with my wife and the daughter And she's saying prayers before we eat I'm like, what if I go to him in the mafia right now? And tonight I gotta go shoot somebody Yeah Like when I joined the mafia, I didn't have this When I got into comedy, I didn't have this Yeah

Now I got this and I gotta make this work Yeah You know when I got married I did a whole podcast about 30 years ago. I made a mistake I got married I wasn't ready to get married I wasn't ready to get mad. I wasn't ready to be a fucking dad And it caused lives and it caused anguish whatever But when you get into comedy, I feel bad for A comedy partner

Has to be a certain type of person Yes And it's like you gotta look at them after the third date and go let me answer something Do I come to your engineering office with you? No, you ain't coming to comedy with me. I ain't cheating on you. I ain't looking for pussy. Yeah It's just a job. That was our problem. Yes And that's the big problem that went and then then you have the problem when they're dating you As a man and now you're in

Oklahoma with Kevin Hart and Riza Jay and you know Six other brothers. What's he fucking thinking? Yeah, exactly especially when he can't go. Yeah, especially when you come home and go Kevin gave me a $2 a bonus Did he? Yeah, what did you do to get that? That motherfucker just made a sex tape You know And think about guys Guys get married the chick is white. Oh my god. It doesn't matter. I love him. He's not gonna do that

It's so much fun Wait till you knock the bitch up And she's home with two ugly kids And you're on the road selling t-shirts and hats trying to make ends meet because you and I both know it a feature You got to fly to fought flower and stay for three weeks to break even because if you go back and forth with the plane ticket You lost you lost so once you go to florida, you got to make sure you do miami for a lot of that west palm And then during the week you got to find somewhere to crash or that quality comes out of your pocket

You're staying in miami next to fucking The survivors from Bermuda Fucking yelling and screaming doing santeria next thing You know, I mean that's the reality of it that you don't know these things. So How do you explain that? You know when i'm calling you and i'm like, uh, hi crystal How are you doing? You got that crying baby on your thing? And you've been alone all week and i'm like i'm here with lee. We're eating tacos in miami. You're like, I don't give a fuck Fuck this baby. It's in my fucking crazy. You're not gonna believe who I met. I met bill cosby

You're like bill cosby my fucking ass Get your fucking ass home and you best say send that money home You gotta send that money home because i'm sitting here by myself with no money So on monday you got to send money home. See how happy that bitch is Go up to half the 10 years and go. So how is it being married to a comedian? That woman or that man has to be so secure. Yes, that's the key word. Yep. You see my wife. You met my wife My wife is over it Go to my wife and tell her you want to suck my dick. She's gonna say, you know, my wife will say how long

Take him suck his dick and take the laundry. You might as well do the laundry while you suck his dick. Please My wife will tell you yeah, she couldn't even my wife let it go after like three years Really? She had to you have to let it go. She's involved. We're partners She's my comedy. She does the paperwork. She makes the call off to the agent. She does the commercial But as far as We don't I don't want her. I don't want her at shows I don't want to hold something back because you feel you do that. Yeah me say something like I took a shit in the backyard one time I didn't tell her immediately

I told the joke a couple times another one back After about a year later You know After we moved from that apartment. I said hey, I took a shit in the back And she said was that shit that night that she came upstairs yelling that there was a bear in the garden I said, yeah, that was the same thing. I was the bear. Yeah, most women can Most guys can't yeah, it's like I'm not fucking my gonna go on facebook at 11 o'clock at night after I worked at 12 I was shipped at the dodge store

Get on there and there you are with your cut off shirt Looking fine in the motherfucker and I'm me and Leah hugging Yeah, think about that. So that's why I give it to porno husbands. Oh, I can't even imagine Common area. All right. What do you want for dinner? What do you want for dinner? How about fucking the antibiotics? And that shit you put on that shit you put on it bubbles up What's that liquid that you put up and it bubbles up all the infections? Uh peroxide And monkey blood turpentine all of it get all the five years were they hard for you very hard

Where's your ex now? He's in houston. Yeah, you communicate. We still communicate because the fact My brother told me this because it was so funny. My family from the south My mother was the oldest of four boys. So all my family's been married for a hundred years Say they don't believe my book. It can stab me in your throat Drag you down the street and fuck a bitch in front of your face and they like well, you need to work it out So my brother was like, you know what he showed up at a comedy show and my brother didn't know I didn't have time to tell him and he just said hey Whatever you decide if we love him. I love him if you hate him

I hate him But you don't make another if he wants to be with you and he wants to work this shit out You don't make another big gesture because I moved out here And then I moved back to houston and then when it didn't work out I moved back So we've been in communication, but I'm like if you want to make this work You got to come out here because I'm not moving anymore because I'm really really blessed to even be able to get back Into comedy because when you leave la you don't get a lot of people don't get to come back. This is hard Like I like did some things I ain't proud of to get back here

You know you leave the line and go to the bathroom and you come back and you're like that was my spot They're like no No, it ain't and you got to start the fucking back exactly what I had to do because by the time you left and you came back It was a thousand motherfuckers. Yep. That's exactly the thousand motherfuckers So I'm really blessed with that part to be able to get back and we communicate and don't get me wrong You know, I'm older. So it ain't shit in these streets. I don't you know, I don't have time for the the games I don't have time. No, you can't borrow my car. No, you can't now if you my man And we've been rocking you can have whatever I have and I'll even get out there in them trenches with you to help

But if you just somebody trying to date me these brothers at nowadays and white boys just men, you know Look, let me borrow your car. Can I borrow some money or can you help me get on this show man? I'm out here struggling myself. So it's nothing out here as far as like dating especially in california I said, I need to go to new york or to texas to find because I like men. I like men men I don't need nobody that I can look at and be like a bitch. I can open hand slap the shit out of him I can't have it because i'm the bitch that'll push it that far So I need a man man and preferably nobody in the industry like I want a man who got some my hands Don't need to be rougher than theirs

Like I get it your hands probably a little soft from the lotion and shit and I understand that But I need it to be a callus somewhere just one you got let me see I got some spray that is a little something like that Yeah, yeah, they solved they solved and that's okay. I want you to get exhausted, but I need a man man I need a man like a man. It's so crazy when you Say the word man When you're 18, you think you're a man. Yeah, you walk around telling bitches. I'm a more fucking man and shit and

I didn't become a man until I got off cocaine When I was 44 years old 45 years old I became a man really you think Wow, I know for a fact there's a definition to a man. Yeah, and that's to Just be an all-around good guy support his wife. Yeah Provide be a good husband to your wife Listen, listen you're all fucking sinners and we're all gonna make mistakes. Yeah I'm not gonna tell you a bunch of shit. I'm not but The difference between this marriage and my first marriage in my day

Really, you know And a week before my mother died She got mad at me and she said I want you to grow up to be a man And I always knew what she did and when I found the dead it rang in my head And she wasn't talking about fucking bitches Or Being money or nothing like that Being a man is just a certain quality

It's a certain thing and I just became a man and since this is the 45 Now I'm 56 now. I've been a man for 11 fucking years. You look good joy. Huh? You look good It's not even about looking good. I know but I'm saying for 56. She looked great. It's it's it's It's uh, it's really weird that I I now I'm a man Before that I wasn't a man at all. I couldn't control myself. I couldn't support a family Couldn't support a man. I'm not ashamed to say that Yeah, couldn't support a family couldn't do nothing a man Looks, you know, you spit out three kids. You better get ready. I have three fucking jobs

You know what that football you used to watch on sunday that don't exist no more Yeah, let's go get it take that t-shirt and give it back because I don't know what you're talking about, you know men look at things will look Men look at things That need to be done And they do it they get it done. Yeah, this is not tomorrow. It's not today This is not this right now and unfortunately with ours He lot in my um, he had a business. He had a daycare and he I saw him work this from

Zero students to 300 but the problem you made this very good comment like about when before you joined that mafia You didn't have your family when I used to date him way back in the day. I was a school teacher I was working at a collection agency. So then we got back together years later and I said, oh, I'm a comedian He's like and if you've never heard of me, you're like, okay, so I'm going on the road everywhere I can I'm hunting stages So instead of him sticking home to stay with his business He started following me on the road and then the business started to to You know fall short and then he lost the business and I don't care what we've had heated arguments and it's my fault

You know, oh, I'm out here supporting your dreams and following your dreams, but you don't you don't care about my dreams I know what the fuck yeah, so it my five years was tough, man I don't care what you got to do. You got to do your job first. Yeah You got to put yourself. It's a way to put yourself first without being selfish. I don't care what you want to do I don't care what I want to do. I don't have no say in my life Do you think I have a say in my life? I would do oh wife and that baby. Yeah, I do What needs to be done? I don't have to say Rambo whatever came out. I've been dying to go see Rambo kill some motherfuckers

Have I had a chance to go see Rambo? I could tell my wife and daughter at six o'clock tonight dinner. I'm going to see Rambo I'm taking time away from them So I got to find a way to see fucking Rambo in the movie theater That's the difference between being a man And a boy. Yeah Is doing what needs to be done. We really don't give a fuck what you like What you don't like, you know when I was a kid you should have heard me

I don't like steak with fat on it I don't like the white bread with the things on it. I don't like that when my mother died. No All that shit I didn't like I had to like quick. Yeah, I had to figure it out quick So I became a junior man Like I know how to do my laundry. I ran my own ship. Yeah, but I wasn't no man. I couldn't cover a rent I couldn't make a car payment anymore. I wasn't consistent in my actions. I'd have a job for two weeks and quit Regardless of the consequences. Wow. That's not a man. Yeah, you know, these are all little things that men don't do

This is what I'm doing. I'm gonna do it three times a week until they put me in a casket And this is what you do. It doesn't matter what you want to do. What time you have Who's waiting for you? It comes to the point now where it's my family first and the envelope second and you come dirt Everybody everything else that comes that comes dirt my family's first The bag the envelope. Yep. My envelope is second And everybody else you gotta wait for you to do my podcast and Santa Monica. Well, that's three hours

I don't have three hours. I gotta go see Rambo first Okay, so before I do your fucking podcast, I'm gonna go watch Rambo first When I get three hours free like Saturday, my daughter's gotta play date Party a girl's party If you don't think I'm going to see Rambo on Saturday and taking 10 edibles I'm getting fucked up because I don't even have a spot set. I got date night with the wife So I'm just taking that I'm gonna take that hunger from those edibles and take it right into date man I'm gonna cast like that 420 Rambo

Fuck yeah, I'm taking a gun with me because the Joker's gonna be out And a bunch of motherfuckers gonna be shooting people to Joker Jesus, so I hope the Joker the Joker better not be playing with Rambo because I'll tell you what I feel like shooting all these Joker people because the original Joker was Cesar Romero. Let's leave it there All right, Cesar Romero was a Cuban dude on the Batman. He was cousins with Fidel Castro somewhere or another Cesar Romero check them out. Look at my Wikipedia Cesar Romero the original Joker anything after that is background motherfucking music He was he was cousins with Fidel's wife. Wow

Cousins with Fidel Castro. I thought you're making that up. No, I'm not making it fucking up. Why would I make something like that out? Wikipedia that motherfucker You know those people are crazy and they mess in the movie up like I know that all the the big wigs for this movie They're like cringing because it's making people not want to go to the movie. Let me ask you a question If you run a studio, you want a motherfucker to get shot because that'll draw them up Let they tell people not to eat opiates because they'll kill you. What do people eat chewing them up? You looking for fentanyl Everybody wants the best. Yeah, everybody wants to be act. There's gonna be lines for this fucking movie

That's crazy. His mom is the daughter of Jose marti his mom Is the daughter of Jose marti. Jose marti is like a great philosopher in cuba That wrote all these things, but he's like second. Look at the joke. Look at his face. Wow. Yeah, that's the joke That's a cuban dude dog. That's the original fucking joker. Wow, and he did it to the tea in 1960. Why are we? Why are we still fucking with it? We just did the Joker a couple years ago. That's my fucking old D Yes, yeah, what the fuck is wrong? Yeah, so why are we still doing it like kids? We're like we've become

Like that's what you're talking about. You're between men and kids. Yeah, there's men at home going I wouldn't see that if you fucking Fuck me up the ass. Rambo's also like seven. I'm excited to see rambo too, but he's also like 70 years old. Yeah I heard it's From the beginning and he kills more people than john wick. Really? Okay Now john wick is 56. He's old age if rambo out kills him at 70. I don't know. He looked like he kind of saved me though Who's that? Sebastian. Yeah, he looked like he barely hanging on. He's barely hanging on. I mean, so can he really save us?

It was like man my hero's that man right there. Charles Bronson is my hero. Yeah, he shot more white people and more immigrants He would shoot you in the new york. I mean this motherfucker would shoot you In the new york minute. Okay. What was the point? I'm sorry. He's old. I don't know Oh, yeah, he was old towards the end. They made death wish for I walked out of the movie theater with tears in my eyes. It was my shame on me for even going Death wish one was good. Death wish two was good. Jimmy Page played the soundtrack But three he was chasing motherfuckers. They wouldn't even let him show him run

In the 70s there was a show on Called canon these are the original Ralphie make okay the guy weighed 500 pounds And he was a cop and you would shoot him and he would go like this Come on, bro. I'm fucking eight and I'm watching this going. Come on. Yeah something this motherfucker's gotta get hit with something He just go like this 500 fucking pounds He was agile. Yeah, so you did your five years in houston and you did everything the joke joint Joke joint kin was yeah, and you know what? It's crazy. I got over there with kin at the joke joint because

A dude a promoter tried to blackball me from the improv Just nonsense. So I started going over there. That's what made me it was the best thing though Because it made me start producing my own shows and I was over there with kin at the joke joint And that's what actually so I got to see both sides of it I got to see okay now I got the stage side but now I got the other side when it comes to booking comics Making sure they get in making sure they make their flights on time Making sure regardless of what the door does that everybody gets their money because I never want to be that person Because I'm a comedian as well

So if you're doing a show with me regardless if I got to go in the back and be like Shit, let me sell some shit You're gonna get your money because that's the worst feeling in the world to get that. What'd you tell me? Does that let me let me let me hollet you when you hear that shit you already know here come some bullshits So as soon as I tell you I'm gonna pay your money and then at the end of the gig I look at you and I go Can I talk to you for a second? That's it bad. You already know it's bad. It's bad So what happened last weekend when you went to houston? Well went to houston I was worried because as we all know that it was underwater

But that was more of the kingwood the con road the north side of houston But the media had it thinking that houston was underwater So it was my birthday So I had hit everybody and said hey, I don't have to do this show. I'm just doing this as a celebration So let me know if y'all are still coming everybody was like no, bitch. We coming we coming so all my friends flew in town I had kiana dancy kelly cales. They all flew in town plus. I had some local girls We had well over a hundred people in there because we're in there counting because we already know like we count like how many people In here cool

I didn't even want to start taking shots and celebrate until I knew that we were good Man at the end of the night that man passed us $400 For like five comics and he was like man. I'm sorry and I was like no I was like that's not that's this isn't what's going on. We counted so it was Just let the people at home and the tickets were supposed to be 25 dollars on the flyer How much were they at the door? He went from 10 to 20 to nothing He even was telling people if you get a bottle

If you get a bottle, I'll let you in for free and I was like and then he was like well your people aren't used to paying They were upset about 20 dollars. I said that's a lie. I was like because my people that come see me They're used to going to comedy clubs where they know they're going to pay 20 Plus a two-item minimum and my home girl was like girl I came up there and gave them 25 dollars and they were like oh are you with somebody and she was like no And she's like they gave her half her money back and they just didn't have good business And also I was supposed to have I got so many learning lessons out of this and that's what the biggest deal It hurts, but it won't happen no more

It it kicked my ass, but I learned from it. I was supposed to have a door girl They were late picking us up. They told my door girl. Oh, you're good. You don't have to be up here So I didn't have anybody up there that was saying hey, this is wrong. This is what supposed to be It's 25 dollars now. I could see if the show had started. We well into the show Okay, then you probably want to take that down, but they just They just completely messed over us didn't pay us at the end of the day They didn't know what they were doing with the door. They charged some people 10 I think they might have only charged one person 25 dollars

Because I remember I was in there in the back of the 400 that I did get it was hella tens And he was like I'd rather take something than nothing. I was like, well, you don't know comedy I was like because my people are used to paying 20 dollars at the door and they know they got it by two items Whether some water and some nasty cheese nachos, but you got to get two items And so he just messed over us and then he kept saying oh, we're gonna bring y'all back And I'm like, do you really think I want to work with you again after you fucked over me? And then you fucked over me for pennies Imagine if it's a big envelope. You'll kill a bitch. Damn

You act you're doing this over a couple of thousand dollars. That's not cool. Danny lied about the about the uh About the bar and because of the fact that I knew the guy in the back. I was back there drinking He was like, oh, no, no, no, where'd you get a thousand? He goes. Oh, y'all did well over 2000 Oh well over 2000 at the bar. So he was like, oh, well, you're right Then the door should have definitely been y'all should have had more than that from the door You fuck think So, I mean, what do you do like? How do you feel after something man? Y'all like let me tell you something. What got me to hear you, you know

Have lost your mother I lost my that's what got me into comedy. My mother was 56. She had a massive heart attack in texas You know when you're in college, you don't know who you don't say which city you're from you just say Oh, I'm from california. My roommate was from california So when my mother passed away, I was mad at my family. I have a sister that teeter totters back and forth with uh drug addiction So my family was the family small country town. We gonna hide it So my mama did everything in the world to hide the fact that my sister was smoking crack But everybody knew it. So the doctor had been telling her hey take a break, you know need so when she passed away

I said fuck it to my whole family Call my college roommate. She was actually in belay, oh california I'm like, where's the hollywood sign like where the fuck so I was in the wrong Area and that night when it happened I was in there crying my girlfriend's was like, bitch don't cry it's your birthday And I was like this is the worst birthday that I've ever had like I can't believe I'm still going through this Shit and then I had to Have a moment where I'm like, bitch you lost you buried your mama a day before your birthday 11 years ago

So you'll be okay. So strap it up learn don't let nobody fuck over you like that again and just keep it pushing So for a second it it deterred me like man, should I not be doing shows like should I not be trying to produce shows? But I can't let that deter me. I gotta keep going because and just learn from it This life you're living. Yeah, you're talking about I pretty basically lived from Let's just be conservative when I started getting paid Maybe 95

It's Maybe 2012 Wow So for 17 years Every time I took a gig I had to be careful Because checks bounce checks bounce

You know and you learn along the way, you know, he's your friend you take a check next thing, you know You go to the restaurant your ATM card don't work. Jesus Christ. What happened? Yeah, taking a date that you just met and now your card don't work and You run to the ATM and the ATM telling you you have zero money nothing And now you realize that that check you got for $600 Bounced and everything else that you paid for bounced your bills that you had coming out And then you call the guy and the guy's like, oh, we paid you from the wrong account you know, so for

Whatever until 2000 whatever every gig I got wiser And I got stronger again Not a racist comment by no means I'll say it I don't do business With latino or black bookers And I ain't racist. That's been smart. Yeah My friend here crystal power was african-american. She knows i'm not

Racist but the problem that you have is you want your money Like you guys when you paint the wall, you want your money when you go to work for eight hours a day You want your money? What would happen if you worked all week? And the guy tells you at the end of the week. Hey, I know you get 12 an hour, but this week I can only pay you six Would you just take the check? Could you imagine living like in that fear for 17 years? So now I know when people are lying Now when people contact me I say great

Let me give you a number call him and they'll hit me back and go We don't want to do it through him. So you ain't real. Yeah. Have a good life. Thank you Yeah, and people get mad at me. I've lost Friends comedy friends over this situation, but I've also explained to them I got beat So much. Yeah for so many years at so many different levels that You know, you got to cover yourself and you got a family so you can't take them. You can't take those out once

Mercy was born. I had to play for keeps. I'm playing for keeps. Yeah cover yourself. I'm sorry You got everybody around me got to pull their own. Yeah, because I got a baby. Yeah, I'm playing for keeps I ain't got time to be nickin adding All festival pay my money. Oh, you know, then I can't do your festival Okay, anytime I leave you got to pay my money festivals For different levels. It's really good But when they're using you as a draw for their festival, they got to pay me the paper Yep, dog. I just went through something four months ago. Why call the mother fuck out of goodness of my heart

This is just to let you know that the hustle never ends But what they don't know is I'm from that that hustle You think you're gonna put it on me? I see it coming. Yeah a mile away. I leave the house I called the booker and I said to him, listen, I didn't call him for spots this week Can I do your show on saturday night as a guest? You know, he goes, absolutely. How much time you want to do? I go, I go I just want to go in there and do 10

You know I go on twitter next day. It's like I can't wait to see you saturday night because I don't put you on the flyer He put me on the fly. I said I kind of call him back and I wait, you know me I waited till saturday Okay, and called me back at five and said hey not for nothing I see you put me on the fly. You're drunk. Yeah Yeah, I go, didn't I call you and tell you to put me on the special gas? He goes. Yeah, it was kind of a mistake I go, let me tell you the big mistake

You're not gonna see me tonight Since you want to be crooked. Yeah And he called and called he still calls every week. I don't answer the phone He brought me weed one day and wrote me a letter through the letter away There's no business and that's good to hear there's no business The strongest word that a comic needs to learn at some point is no Not your first 10 years Your first 10 years you got to take everything. Okay. I take everything because that's how you're gonna learn what you want

And what you don't want Okay, you know, you're gonna learn what you what you will do And what you won't do I'm gonna tell you something I decided when I was a feature act and you're gonna look at me and say joey You're crazy and ballsy and I stuck to it. I ain't working sundays Really I decided that seven years into the business You're working on sundays. I ain't doing no more. I woke up. I woke up at the addison improv one day on a sunday football was on

I had to walk to some fucking restaurant. I didn't mind But when I walked back, I gotta do all this all day for a seven o'clock show for people Who don't really want to see comedy because I was working like with the shitty headliners or they gave away a hundred tickets And I said right now I'm not working Sunday and I remember telling people I don't work Sunday I remember telling rogan leaving them there I would tell rogan bring somebody else because I gotta leave on sunday. What do you mean? I don't work Sunday That's dope. I don't work Sunday. That's why I respect Chick-fil-A

Okay Yeah, because they like I'm not I'm not Dollars on a sunday, but you know what your fat fucks. They don't care. Yeah, they stick to their rule That's that you know, I'm doing a bit right now where people hate Chick-fil-A It's not politically correct to eat a chick-fil-a Because their insurance don't cover your abortion and they just don't like gay people I like gay people. I can't agree with them with that But I'm that's not gonna mean I'm the boycott the best motherfuckers

The best motherfuckers Christian sandwich Because they hate gay people. You know what I'm saying? That's they're right. If they don't you know, that's they're right Okay, and I got nothing as gay people. Yeah, and you know when you go to austin all these dumb white people Oh my god, I went to a barbecue and I waited on the line for an hour listen Go to Chick-fil-A That could be a line all the way down to Burbank They take you in 10 minutes because they got computers the guy comes up to you by the time you get to your thing

You fuck you get to your table your orders right there. Yeah, they do it right plus I respect That they got up one day and said we ain't working on sentence And everybody else burger king everybody else is selling their soul. They don't do it. I have to that's the type of guy Yeah, there's one day I go. I'm not doing that no more and I will never do it again Regardless of what you pay me Yeah, regardless of what you say all money ain't good money. No. Yeah, no Everything has to end. Yeah, and you control it You know after the strike in 2007 all I got hit was youtube movies

Not for nothing. Yeah, I've done some fucking movies. Yeah a lot Why the fuck what I want to do a youtube movie for a hundred dollars a day And really be basically what's carrying your film Yeah, you know like I got to work with all you the director's nephew Because he invested 2000 in the movie The dude's wife could see in that, you know for the years I did all those movies They didn't go nowhere. Look at my imdb. I got 20 movies. Nobody's seen her though Because they didn't go nowhere. There was a favor and I wasn't thinking

I was using as an acting tool To get better at acting to learn my way around the set. Yeah, you'd learn all these things but After a while I didn't want to do youtube films no more. I didn't want to do youtube films And I was getting sick and tired of doing a hundred dollar a day films So from 2010 Even though I needed the money you said no no

And so that's hard for yeah, no because you want to work But you're proving to yourself. It's a discipline. Okay that we've lost in this country. It's a discipline Okay, this is a discipline. Now when you're raising japan old school, it's a discipline You know that this is what needs to be done I'm sticking to this, you know people call me all the time. Hey, we'll pay you this much to read the joy karate video I'm doing it I'm not smoking on periscope no more. Once I move on with something. I move on with something. I'm done. Yeah There ain't no coming back. There's no well and think about it whenever they give you money and you do something

it's like When you go back with that old boyfriend And this time and this time He got a bitch pregnant like this time. He took it to the next level Meanwhile, he's telling you you're the one and you're how do you feel when you live that when you leave that? How do you feel? You know worthless. Yeah walking in there. You were fucking up. Mm-hmm. Then why are you contradicting yourself? Yeah You sit down and you go that's it and that's it

This is what i'm doing. This is how i'm gonna do you don't want to live that life no more You put an end to it And you move and you don't look back. Yeah, and I still remember fucking being bro jack In 2011 and get the call from the funny bones And then go and listen, you know, because I was hoping for rogue and you know If I get the funny bones if they get a hundred people to come see They fucking like all fireworks the funny bones. You know great clubs. Yeah great clubs. I love working them But they're not the improvs. Yeah, and they're not a theater or whatever

So the funny bone chain called me some lady I knew and she goes listen They want to offer you like four or five weeks And I was like, that's great Wednesday through Sunday This amount of money and I go everything's great, but poppa don't work Sunday. I'll never forget saying that Wow, she was like good though Then you're gonna get well, let's call you back and they called me back and they go we'll accept it But it's 1200 flat Wow, so it's gonna be 400 for a plane ticket. So I'm walking with eight

And I got to be there from wednesday through sunday morning. I said, fuck it. I'll get a job at this four dealership And I went there and talked to them about a job and went to piss in the bottle and everything I mean once I make my mind up about something I ain't doing it You know, you you get to the point where you're just not doing it no more Yeah, you know, I was just getting sick and tired of being sick and tired And I had to change everything around There's a dude. There's a booker out of new york. I love dealing And I would use him a lot like I would use him as like my part-time booker

If I was doing anything from toronto Down to texas I would call him and go. Hey, I'm looking to be in this area these couple weeks Can you book me and he would always call me? I got you something. Uh, it's only a feature spot at pace 450 I Get down there dog. No hotel in 350 This guy would do this to me constantly I said my one night in baltimore. No pay. They mail you a check and no hotel Here I am sleeping on a fucking park bench until the bus went back at seven in the morning the next day

And see you know, I got I got thousands of these Thousands of these and I need to hear them because I'll be over here having a little pity party with And I was in LA already that happened to me 2002 One I was in LA already. I had already done mad tv basketball They gave me a gig. I didn't you know, you don't ask these questions You're so enthused with the gig. Yes, you don't ask you're excited and then when you get there They hit you with a by the way. Oh, there's no hotel. What do you mean?

You're calling the dude in new york. He ain't answering on saturday He's out playing golf with the rest of his fucking goofy buddies. Yeah, and here I am in baltimore And we finished the gig. I hung out the gig as long as I could Y'all need help with some dishes And I took my little luggage and I made the like you have a ride. I'm like, yeah, I may believe I was heartbroken I like $4 in my pocket and a bus ticket that god had a bought a return bus ticket back to new york I got a thousand

Thousands though. So is it when the latino kings of comedy got popular? The dude some black dude. Oh, I promote earthwind fire on the road and arita franklin I've done concerts with everybody. He took uh, you know those those toy fucking Bouncy houses He took one. He made it out of a castle And he called us the knights of comedy the latino knights of comedy and we went to alabama All the you know like off parts of houston

Every gig I still remember running in dallas This is when I was 400 pounds drug addicted and um, you know how dallas is i'm thinking of an airport dallas is You've got to connect the flame dallas. You better be in shape. You blow This is 30 minutes to get from deed And sitting on the plane and thinking i was gonna get a heart attack sitting next to him in the back Like we he would buy us the cheapest cheapest plane tickets right by the bathroom And he'd be sitting with us. How you guys doing having a good time

And every fucking show Hey, man, can I holla at you? I know I told you I was gonna pay 800 but I can only give you 550 And then you go home heartbroken. You needed the money and I'll catch on the next one Yeah, that's it call you for the next one Then this one he told you 800 again and he would give you eight But what about the two from the last one catch you next time player And then he did again that next time he was a hundred short It was like me alex ray moondo was a couple of us

Then I would get deposits from him. You know, how much is the gig 800. Give me five Why ain't gotta play it? Well, you gotta get it for me to do the gig So I don't have no point and then the one time I got the deposit from him That's tonight. I'm in my room and I hit banging on the door I opened the door and there's two white dudes or black dudes a bunch of cops And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, mr. Diaz Do you know where ba ba ba is whatever the book his name is? I'm like, well, no, I don't he left

He didn't pay the hotel He didn't pay the fucking radio promotion and he didn't pay the concert hall. We want to know where he is It's theft he left Thank god. I got my deposit from him because I learned if not, I wouldn't even have gotten that and you'd have been there Was nothing for the plane ticket to five at least and did they make you feel like you're a diva or jerk for asking for a deposit They're like, oh man, you don't trust me. You have to ask for deposit Wow, especially if it's over 500 bucks and you don't know the people that's how you know if they're real. Yeah You know, see if that happens to you like the great like I have no I feel like I should not even

Listen, I was getting tortured even after the longest yard I'll never forget going to Addison after the longest yard selling out Saturday night And Addison that's different Arlington. He never told me the number. We said, let's see how the night the week goes And I will tell you people the number It was Tuesday through Saturday then it was Wednesday through Saturday I had a line Wednesday Thursday two friday and both shows just sold out on saturday and one on sunday. That's Wednesday Thursday. That's uh,

Wednesday Thursday This motherfucker Trey blue was his name looked at me and gave me a check for 1200 hours And I looked at him and I passed the check back and I said, this is one of your white dudes from the improv You'd be giving him a lot more rethink that over before you give me that Rethink that over before you give me that And he changed it. He made the proper adjustments and I never fucked with him again After the longest yard this motherfucker try now if a booker would have called me in there

I would have got 25 plus the plane ticket plus transport. I didn't have a booker So I do everything myself. This is the this is the disadvantages of not having a book Not everybody will book you till you start selling tickets, especially now. Nobody's gonna just sign you because you sell 10 tickets They know when you sell tickets, there's a computer And they look at it every monday and they start looking at it. Oh, look I can leave selling tickets. He sold 80 tickets in michigan Go on his website. Where is he next week? He's in wisconsin. He lives in wisconsin 110

Now they'll start talking to you Because this is the mafia There's nothing different than the mafia calmly When you're a salesman It's the biggest envelope Okay

If you were managed by three arts and you called Your manager and he's the same manager kevin hard has yeah, who's gonna get that call answered back first Kevin Okay, then yeah, why? Because he's the draw like he not people are gonna come and see him Without a doubt buds and seeds this business like any other business like any other thing in the world Is based on money I've seen the funniest guys at the store. I've seen a thousand funny guys

And they couldn't figure out they were frustrated. They did a special for comedy central It's not till you get a claw cross a certain way and reach the masses and make them spend money for you That you have nothing you could be the funniest kind of America and be a regular at the store Then you go to montreal and they'll give you a deal for being funny They'll try to develop a show around you you have no life stories And then when your show doesn't get picked up you get thrown out to the rules and they gotta start from scratch anyway And that's why kevin hard gets so much respect out of a guy like me Because kevin got a deal put a show on abc on it wasn't the best show in the world

He got cancelled kevin sreeling's got her and he sat down in front of a notebook And he wrote a plan and the number one thing on this plan is i'm going on the road for a year straight No weekends off and i'm getting 1500 a week from every club And i'm giving away every ticket for free I don't want not a dime over 1500 I want to give every plane ticket. I want to fill in every ticket I will tweet tickets free tickets for me for a year. This was before twitter facebook or anything

kevin did this He did this for about 18 months every weekend. Wow every weekend Give him away the tickets because he knew exposure Exposure exposure what happens at his show? You know, it's like I don't like sending tapes because I know I don't do good in tapes I don't do good when I do a special I know my strengths and my weaknesses. He knew his He knew that if they just came to see me if I can get him to see me if I could retain

2200 people if I if I could retain 20 percent, which is high So if the club has 500 seats and you do six shows, that's 3000 people. Yeah, what's 10 percent? It's 300 people. Yeah, so if I could retain 20 percent Wow, I got something to work with next time around I'll take another punch to the face next time around But the next time after that, I'm gonna be doing the punching I get punched So this is that's The secret is that you have to learn how to lay down for a while get kicked in the stomach

Yeah, somebody grab you titty What, you know, yeah, it's gone. It happens or somebody smacks your ass Or they wait to give you an envelope everybody else to save money now Yeah, they're gonna, you know, I told you I started a club mix. Yeah till this day I could I tell you two stories to that story I thank Kwame Because comedy works was just giving me one spot a month Kwame was giving me a spot every Sunday

And I'm talking about opening up a dl. Yeah opening up a bernie mac opening up a set of the entertainer I didn't know who these mouth black motherfuckers were you if you want me to tell you I know who they were I knew Richard Pryor I knew Richard Pryor Guy Tory, I knew Mont Lawrence I knew those guys from comedy jam when I started comedy these other black motherfuckers. I don't know these guys Yeah, and because of them today. I'm so friends with cedric. Yeah, still friends with dl. We're talking 1994 Club mix on east cofax

I didn't go one sunday. They said you hear what happened last night. They shot four motherfuckers We drove up there. They were still casings around everywhere machine guns It was a fucking crip hangout or blood hangout. You know, they'd be sitting opposite each other You know you're trying to do fucking comedy. Yeah, but and he was always go it's the same deal $40 Do you know I did that room for a year that motherfucker never gave me $40 He never even I think the highest he ever gave me was 20 and two drink tickets But you want me to be mad at him you want me to come on here and talk shit about

At that time I talked shit about him, but knowing what I know now Put me up every sunday. Yeah To the exposure everybody got to see every sunday. It's a cat's 22 wash. Yeah, you know what other than seattle is a woman who hated me She just hated me bro. Not everybody likes everybody There were three main bookers pat wilson donna richards and this other lady. She's dead now. God rest her soul Fucker, but He's right. She didn't like me. She didn't like me

But she had 30 rooms This bitch had sunday through thursday sold up sold up three of those weeks Like she could book you three weeks like if you do the seattle comedy competition You would call her and the week that you went and you have off she would put you in the room So you would make anywhere from 125 to 50 dollars in that

Whether you feature the mc. She didn't really care about that. She just always like, uh, you know what? You're a good feature. Hold headlined them. I'll give you the 150. She hated me And you know what? I fucking hated her So guess what I did? I used it to my advantage I knew she hated me, but every week I'd call every week Every monday at 904 And I'd look at what schedule she'd have I wouldn't give her veils

I just knew her schedules. So I would say thursday night. I want to do the parakeet bar I want to do a guest part and she would go That's fine And I would go down and blow up the room and the owner would ask me Why don't you work this and I go because she don't like me And that would be it but because of her I did 16 more sets a month Because I would torment her on monday. So I would do monday, tuesday, monday and thursday

And if she had a sunday show, I'd got it on that again I was the best guest spot holder and people would say to me. Why do you do this? Don't you want to get paid? I'm getting paid. I'm gonna get paid in 20 years Right now. I'm just clocking it. Yeah. I'm just clocking and this gets paid for you. You're gonna get paid for this not today But one day in 20 years. It's like when your grandmother gives you that $20 savings bond And you go to cash that motherfucking at the mailbox and they give you a dollar and you're like, what the fuck? 30 years it becomes $20. It's the same thing That's what we don't understand

So, yeah, she she used to tell her friends fucking joey deers is a sap He does my shows for free 20 minutes. I've been look at him now But in the meantime, I just got stronger and they weren't my shows They had nothing to do with me. So I could go there was no pressure. Yeah. Yeah, there's no pressure. Oh, so who's laughing? Yeah, I remember coming down and like calling like thank you For letting me do all those guests. I'm a regular at the store now, bitch and you're still up in seattle getting rained on by Fish slapped in your face

So that's the thing that's the That's the other thing That as long as you get as long as you get half of what you got coming to you, you know And some people pay you before you get there some people pay on time The club in boston six weeks to pay you they mailed your check So you have to decide how many times you're gonna do that? First time I did it. I woke up monday morning. There was an overnight Felix the check was there. Nice second time. I did it took about six weeks

Third time I did it. I did christmas. So he paid me in march Never picked up his calls again Even though I liked going to boston even though I liked the crab cakes even though I could do that Fucking thing on monday night even though I could do this room on tuesday. I just didn't do his room anymore Even though he'd pay me 600 bucks. I refused to do his room You decide It comes to a point where how much harder do you want? And it comes to men this comes to men and women

You got a boyfriend crystal you call 11 o'clock. He comes over with a bottle You talk for 10 minutes. He gives you what you want. You take what you need and that motherfucker knows to go home Yeah, you got other motherfuckers. They come over you got a cigarette. You got a light. Yeah, you ain't got no wine Yeah, I bought your car tomorrow. I got an interview. So you got to realize how important is this dick Or this pussy. I want the drama list pussy. Yeah They're coming at ready ready. May he got his own shit. Come over suck it and leave please. Please About your family. I don't have money here about your mother's lumbago I don't care about your family's dog. I don't give a fuck about none of that. Yeah, it's the same with comedy

How much drama do you want? In the beginning you gotta take all the comedy they want comedy is an abusive partner in the beginning This is domestic violence at its highest. This comedy makes oj look like a fucking Comedy makes oj look like a fucking nothing Because if you're doing it right you're suffering if you're if because there's nothing worse than wanting There's nothing worse than wanting You know, and I tell people all the time. I don't know how many times I used to get home from those open mics in 94 95 crying Crying because I had nothing else going on. It's not like I had to I couldn't become a rocket engineer

I was 30 years old. Yeah, it was running out of time. We're gonna learn to be a chef for 30 We're gonna get a job at Chili's and learn how to be a waiter. There was nothing else So I would come home at night and there was a newspaper and I would circle all the club like someday I'm gonna show those motherfuckers Someday I'm gonna work giggles and then you get into the business. You're like, I don't want to work fucking giggles They fucking rock people and shit. Yeah, it's just weird. So the first 10 years You have to put up with an abusive partner. This is abuse. Yeah, he doesn't care if you're tired He doesn't care if you're sick

He doesn't care if your mother's in town or about your feelings. Nothing about your feelings because That's when you have to go out and do comedy You never seen an open mic or drive up to a comedy an open mic without Ferrari. Have you ever never So What makes you think that? You do comedy when your life is the hardest when you can't pay the rent go do comedy. You'll be a funny motherfucker That's the funniest When it's the 29th and you ain't got the rent on the 31st like fucking I ain't got shit to lose. Oh my god

You'll be the funniest guy in that room because you learned This is the struggle you need to go through you need to go through these struggles He you lost 600 but you learned you got a $6,000 valuable lesson. Yeah So how long have you been back in that right now? February will be two years. Really? Yeah, and how's it now? What did you hook up with Kevin and he put you in his little special that was uh Four years ago that was like my second year in houston and then

And that changed a lot for me because I used to you know on mondays I'm emailing my veils All of that and I would never get anything back as soon as I did hard of the sitting People started emailing me. So I've been back here two two years will be february But it's been three since I did uh hard of the sitting So you hooked up with him in houston. I hooked up. There's no way no hook up Yeah, there's no way I would have got hard of the city in la because you got to realize it's a pecanort Like it's a hundred motherfuckers. That's ahead of me. I see but in houston. It's just a few of us

So the pickings is slim There's no way I'd got hard of the city in los angeles If I'd have done it here because it's too many people ahead. So he came to houston. That's what he does Uh-huh. He does it in each little city like he did houston. He did dallas. He did seattle He goes around he actually he's never done one in in actual in la He's never done one He goes around to all these smart small little talons or to cities and then he does like a contest No, he just does a showcase

He you have to you know, you have to submit for it Like I think it was like 300 of us and then he'll pick like yeah, it's big and then right after that It was great because they had the houston super bowl and it was 800 800 of us that To apply applied for that and I was the only comedian out of it. So I was like, all right So stuff started moving and I'll tell you when I came back to la I came back to la with credits I was stronger, but it still didn't matter, but you get in line You get in line and I ain't gonna lie you can ask kita

I'll be telling her if you tell him I'm gonna punch you in your head and she was like no I'll be at the comic store crying like just but then I'll that's why I'm so happy and so blessed That you know, kita even connected us and all this stuff that you're telling me today because I need to hear it because I'll be in my own head and just be like Man, I can't believe I'm going through this and it's like every great person They they've all gone through it. So it makes you no different and then I have to remember like I said earlier I'm in Los Angeles getting told no if I was in Tallahassee, florida, and they were like no you can't get on then okay, but you need to take that personal because it's what you and

In bucky but out here. I'm you know joy is going up You know, Whitney Cummings is going up Alicia Cooper is going up So bitch get in line and and and put your big girl boots on and just wait your turn But in the time in that be ready. So when they do call you they're gonna be like that bitch punny One thing about you I've fallen in love with this day one is that Every time I talk to you you're up to something. I'm trying man. You don't ask You just do You know, I saw a flyer with you at the Portland County festival. I was so happy for you. Yeah, you know

You know, I see that you're in North Carolina. You do this a couple weeks ago somebody yelled white power In palm horror, Florida. We talked on the phone. Yeah, Chris. How's it going because As an old economic I can't help everybody But there's the people that I see who are going out of their way for themselves I gotta give them the love they deserve and I preach man when I see people going out of their way You get it from me I have to man. I'll give you my heart because I know I was where you were at

I know exactly What it is to just make the rent And thank god you got a name, but I feed you Man, I can't wait till I don't know that it's the first like a bitch start breaking out around the 27 28 That'd be like, oh shit. The first is coming. I can't wait till the day where I'm like, oh, shit. It's the first Oh, rid do I didn't even know because now I you got to start preparing for that like all shit is coming And you know, it is and the thing with me. I went to college and was a school teacher for about six days Nope because see my mama was a school teacher and I had one of mama's dad

She could give you a look like bitch play with me in these white people house if you want to I'm about to bust your ass One of them kind of moms and that's how teachers aren't now like they don't pay you no money And they expect you to raise people's children. So I stopped doing that. So the thing about it is I like I was comfortable but now deciding I'm choosing to struggle Like I got a degree like I can go out there and work, but I'm choosing to struggle because this is what I want to do What do you have to do a good health and nutrition? you know Preview

The fucking craziest thing is how Once you fall in love with comedy You be mad, but you love it once you fall in love with comedy I see it in people's eyes I see The pain in your eyes Because I had that same pain. Yeah, and when I was going Were you doing it eight years now nine nine when I was at the four-year mark. I was going through the force

with a kid And I would have to drop that kid off and force myself to go do comedy Because like I said, nobody pulls up to an open mic on a Maserati not at all Nobody fucking pulls up with flowers and clothes working bad drinks and food Yeah You sign up with everybody listen. You got three fucking heads And you got to sit there and take it like with this punishment So I know what it was like. I know the struggle. I know to be here and

Finally, I got a little window. I got the comedy store. So at least I can negotiate from the comedy store So ABC didn't like me. Nobody liked me at the comedy store like All you need is one more fucking like just one all didn't like me Nobody liked me. So I did what I do best I took what I had instead of bitching about what I didn't have. Yeah Instead of bitching about what you ain't got I'm getting minted by the best there is in the business plus the 10 motherfuckers that are hanging out That I'm learning. I'm taking a little bit from each one. They don't even know what I'm learning from each one

Whether it was Rogan or Dave Tyree or or You know at that time who there was a lot of people hanging out at the store andrew and he and he griffin I learned the thumb from a ton from as crazy as he is Paul mooney with his Richard prior raping ass You know, I learned from him who I love dearly rich. Uh, Paul mooney I learned from watching these guys And then I got blessed to go on the road with richard jenny. Wow and Joe Rogan and and you know Bobby slayton

And I got to see different types And I got to learn what things I wanted to do on the road and what I didn't want to do I went on the road with stanhope. I went on the road with everybody call those men see it took me no pass And you'd learn You'd learn from each one of them. You shut your fucking mouth You take what they give you they give you seven minutes You know in those days those Spanish acts would take 20 wrote 20 comics on the road with them Carlos had six or seven openness and just until about two or three years ago

Fluffy had like five motherfuckers Really you had to put up with five motherfuckers for 10 minutes a piece Before you went up because they were sharing Okay, you know, they were at a point where they were making millions of dollars a year And they could take four guys out train them, you know guys that were serious Yeah, these are we and we're a team. Mm-hmm with team fucking what at with team crystal. Yeah I sell shirts. You make sure crystal fine. You make sure nobody fucks with crystal. You're the driver You're in charge of the fucking make a left on make a left on navigation. Yeah, you know

Everybody got a job. Mm-hmm. You know Call and everybody eats. I remember a time when I go on the road with rogan with six of us Wow, three of us are going on stage one of us be hanging out a bodyguard and a friend And eddie brah will just to talk shit with him play jiu-jitsu with You know, but he was also on fear factor making six figures in that person So his road money he didn't give a fuck. He broke even But to have that Rogan is successful today. Yes

60% of it is his town But the other 40% came from his generosity And him Giving you have to give back. Yeah, you tell me that you have to get back. You have to give back to the young comics And say, oh, amen. You had a good sad. Oh, hey, that was good. You know, I'm never gonna come up to you and go Hey add this tag. Yeah You tell I don't like looking at him. I own shit. Don't ask me to look at yours. Yeah

Last night I was on you know last night. I have a red sweatshirt. I have a red hooded sweatshirt That's like size five X. Mm-hmm. I gotta tell you something. It's the most comfortable thing in the world That good cotton. Okay. What I know. I don't have to go out That's what you got. Oh and my wife sees I put the red sweatshirt on and she's like, oh, oh He ain't put it right. Yeah Yesterday I was so fucking tired at seven o'clock. I did the potgast with my daughter I had to fucking work out in the morning. I had to meet some guy and take any of beaten, you know And last night at seven my wife goes, how come you got your red sweatshirt on? I go, you better give me a reason

I just did not want to go to the comic store last night. Wow for about three minutes. Yeah And then The balls send that message directly to your brain And it said listen you fucking piece of shit go do what you gotta do You know, you were in prison Who the fuck are you to make a decision about what you're gonna do and what you're not gonna do Nobody asked for your fucking opinion. You're gonna take a three shot of espresso You're gonna take a fucking half his antics for your anxiety. You're gonna wash your pussy

You're gonna put that gray shit in your head to kill the gray And you're gonna drive down to the store with you fucking like it or not Okay, do you think I wanted to go to the store last night? I didn't want to go to the store I'm tired. I was high from the night before I had pills running through my system the night before and Vicodin's and fucking the edibles. I was tired Then I got up at nine and went in kickbox with a bunch of kids and got beat up and shit Yeah, then I met this kid Then I had to go to take an ear beating in Burbank and I got stuck in traffic

And then I had no pockets with my daughter Which your ears just after that she won't shut the fuck up So I love it a death, but I did not feel like I had the red sweat shirt on last night Which means pop ain't gonna know I've never even seen that sweatshirt. That says brewing football or brewing alumni When you see that, I got these thin little sweat pants Oh, I like doing that for the wife. Yeah Oh

I take the socks off and I got these little slippers And I just sit there scratching my ball spider-man style when you take that nutsack and just scratch it this way the whole thing And I'll sit there and switch hands and watch world news tonight Smell my fingers and clean out your toes and that's when you do that little gorilla type shit Gorillas do See if it smells I was to that point and

That's when your balls Go up and go. I gotta do this. Nobody asked you for your fucking advice I think I even called myself a cunt Like I was like nobody asked you for your advice you cunt if it was up to you you'd be in a fucking prison So go to but it ain't up to you. Yeah, it ain't up to you. You see a little girl in the room That's who the boss is and the other boss is that fucking redhead in the room Get in that shower wash your pussy and get your ass down there and do the spot

And then when I got in that fucking car was like boy, do I feel a lot better? Yeah, why don't you go? Yeah, why don't you cut motherfuckers off on a little candy? Like I'm at it down there I left my house. My spot was a 1030. I left it like five to 10 That's how much procrastination I have the same problems. Hey, bro. I bleed when I cut too I'm no better than you. No better than me. No better. I have doubts. I have insecurities I have anxiety You know, I have the same fears you have. I'm just more experienced. I'm controlling them

And that's what happens three years of company And you're vocal about it. I know some people that are on your level that would never Be honest and transparent about having anxiety or having doubts or Procrastination so for you to even just be that transparent that just shows You know, like you said, that's part of being a man because everyone they won't do that Like I've had trust me, especially as a woman I've had men and I can say this and be honest it keeps a test to it Like you were so nice to me that first day

I had to come home. I was like, oh, I'll never forget. I text Keith. I was like, bitch. I'm dying I was like, I'm in parts of the comedy store that I didn't even know these secret compartments Were were part of and I had to ask myself that night I was like, man, I was like, when is the other shoe gonna drop because I've had men To come in my life and be like, hey, I'm gonna help And then when they're taking the back room, yeah, yeah, yeah, what you gonna do, bitch By the way, yeah So just for you to just be that transparent and then like you said and you told me flat out like I ain't got no money to give you

But I do believe in giving back and trying to help and that that's more that's better than any type of advice That you can get from a legend because I think you're legendary Like I like just to follow your work and for you to even just be taking the time that's insane to me That's insane. But most most people when they get to a certain level like I had to do one time I was at a show and I was pacing I was pacing and he was like, man, he was like, you not cut out for this shit if you back here nervous And I'm like, dude, but now I know that just means I want to do well That means I want to do well so badly that I'm sitting here like thinking, okay

But that was part of it for wilmington last weekend I was like, okay, bitch, you getting there because I landed at 7 18 The show started at 7 I landed at 7 18 I walked through the door with my luggage, bitch didn't get the washing up and all for nothing I had my carry on and they said, okay, we're gonna give you five minutes I got a glass of water right when I sat down. They were like, and you ready for your headline I was like damn what happened to five minutes But I went up there and I killed it and I was just sitting there thinking

Man, bitch, you all right because usually I got to have a kumbaya moment. I got to get in my head I got to like sit there and talk to myself I got to go take a dump twice because my bubble guts is fucked up But shit, I didn't have time and I went straight to it and it was one of my best shows So it's just part of it But a lot of times, you know people that are experienced or when they get to a certain level They I feel like sometimes they lose the love of comedy Because they don't want to do this shit no more

But they want to be open and honest and say, man, I I have those same doubts to hear that You know, it was hard for you to go to the comedy store. What like your joey did like man We all have doubts I feel that the day you don't get nervous before you go on stage Quit because it ain't for you no more If you don't think I was nervous watching Ali Wong last night and then Theo went up to hell and if you don't think I If I if I was mad enough to tell you that fear didn't run through my heart for a minute

I'm lying to you Wow and say yeah, they won't do that. Yeah two weeks ago. I was watching nicky glazer. Mm-hmm prepping for the The fucking roast. Yeah, I see nicky glazer go up. She's done. Well sometimes she has a rough not really a rough set But she tries a lot of stuff because she's a writer She leveled the room so hard. I was like, I hope I don't have to follow this bitch I hope Joe Rogan's in the neighborhood and then Joe Rogan went up and That motherfucker proceeded to destroy And I'm sitting there going I'm dead

I'm dead. You never I would never imagine that but you're dying. You're dying right now. The light is on Your insides are cracking. He's wrapping up and also that's my time ladies and gentlemen. Thank you Right at that point when he says thank you Everything locks up I have to become a paraplegic right there if I have to Everything she just locked up when I just go But I don't yeah, I don't I fucking get up my pants are usually falling my ass crackers up I pull up my pants real high

And I just dodge to that fucking stage go get it as I'm walking to that stage. Mm-hmm. I'm dying inside I'm like, bitch. I can just run out this fucking door and nobody would ever see me again and shit. I'm good I'm good. I'll get a job doing something else Until he shakes my hand and once I grab that microphone And I go keep it going for crystal power one more time Then you cool. Yeah. Now I'm there Man, thanks joy. Yeah, man. Thank you like yeah, this is the truth. This is uh You're a hard worker

I admire you and I know you got a future in this town You know, I sat here and watch the fucking tiffani had his struggle I sat here. I sat I sat here and watch you get married I sat here and watch to move to Ontario. I sat here And you know, I've I've been running with tiffani had his since 2004 2003 Look at tiffani had his hosting how to be a fourth grader. Yeah, whatever the fuck was a little cute Yeah, a little beautiful dimple that she refuses to take off. Yeah the little I dimple. I love it She's the sexiest thing in the world. So I've seen it

I've seen it. Plus. I've seen the people would he go That I'm coming to this town and they've pushed him up and Whiten them all up and he's gonna be a star but they can't cover the spread and then you see a girl like Tiffany had his that was with an agency that were lost kept telling us she wasn't ready Had a baby sitting there kids You're not ready. Yeah She woke up one day left him went to another agency when I said she ready

And what happened? Yeah So this is the reason why we stay here every day because the lottery ticket could be tomorrow But if you don't work with that lottery ticket that lottery ticket is not going to taste that good And it'll be it can be taken that easy. Yeah taken from you that easy When you work for it that lottery ticket goes in your pocket you walk over the bank of america you slip that motherfucking the atm machine like Yeah, it feels better hit harder time in you put the time in and you know that you don't know The doubts I have are not because let me tell you what the doubts I have are The doubts I have before I go on stage and I thought I'm gonna bomb

Or be funny is that these motherfuckers don't want to hear from an old motherfucker like me Look at me. They don't want to talk to some old people. These are all young like Anything negative that could come into my mind will come into my mind. Look at your bummy ass adidas shoes With your run dmc from the 82 Yeah, I swear to god about a week ago. I was on I was getting ready to go on stage And something just made me look down. I saw my adidas and I'm like i'm 56 years old still wearing run dmc Bum ass sneakers. What the fuck is wrong? I started an argument with myself right there in missy's chair

You're a loser. You got lead jeans on Everything to deter me From going yeah from but that's us. Yeah, we get in our own fucking way. That's us That's I picked on myself for having adidas on here. Who the fuck For having adidas on I'm like, what the fuck am I living? I gotta go get these brendan shop sneakers All these dudes got these pink sneakers. They look cool. I'm wearing adidas like fuck it. I run dmc in 85 That was 30 years ago. Joe get your shit together with those are legends Where can we uh your website? Yeah, it's crystal power comedy

Um and all my ag stuff all my social media is crystal p comedy, but man Yeah, crystal p comedy on all socials. I love you man. I love your moxie. I love what you've done You've never played the race card on me. You've never played the woman card on me I know that I got a big set of balls, but we're like I told Whitney Cummings I bet if I threw my balls on the table, you'd go hold on one second. Let me show you something That should have we gotta be though. There was a little peanuts. Yeah, there was a little uh Uh, uh, Chick-fil-a nuggets. I got real pistachios. Yeah, that's why I have my iranian That's why you're sitting in that chair. I appreciate it. Keep doing what your mother fucking doing and I promise you

You don't make me cry here, man This motherfucker will come your way this shit will come in if you do the work might take 20 Might take 15 years might take 32 years Yeah, I have a hashtag you can't lose if you don't quit just you know, and it's okay And even if you quit they can't beat you Even if you quit yeah, they can't beat you That's the beautiful even if I quit they can't beat me That's the mom even if I quit they can't beat me even if I give up they can't beat me

So I ain't like I know where to go. Yeah, this is it. I'm like Richard Gean officer the gentleman I got nowhere else to go And with that note, don't forget next motherfucking Friday night Kansas City at the uptown theater Then saturday night two shows that the first show sold out and they had a second show at the paramount theater And that's how we fucking do it. You cock suckers, but Before I let you go a word from my sponsors. Listen There's two good games on tonight. Maybe one. It's maybe one night. Tonight's the night

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They're having our back and support. That's like I said Next week I'll be in Kansas City on the 11th and then saturday night the first show sold out And there's still a couple tickets left to the late short the paramount theater in Denver where you at next week beautiful I'm in spokane, washington Oh Saturday night. I'm in what's the name of the venue. I don't know the it's a private event. It's not on your website No, it's a private one, but yeah, I'll be in spokane next weekend. Crystal Powell. It was a pleasure. You wanted pretty sisters working up there today And you're always welcome. I appreciate you more than you know, I love me. I love you back

Don't forget about us. I want to thank the christ killer. I want to thank Crystal Powell, but again you motherfuckers for always having my back And don't forget to keep your eyes open on ari thompson gore rogan and fucking Sober october the original berg christia Make sure that that stinky drinks and smoking joints me. I don't give a fuck about sober october I'm leaving here to go do like 22 buckets. All right Stay black see in kansas city kick this motherfucking muley We enjoy you're the best. That's it, baby

You're the best I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I I Somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me

Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company See Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart two bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So far So

And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there a plodden from a front row seat When somebody breaks your heart like you Like you Um