Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #726 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

Greg Fitzsimmons, a stand up comedian and the host of the "Fitzdog Radio" podcast and cohost of the "Childish" podcast alongside Alison Rosen, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Kettle Bell Kitchen - Go to kettlebellkitchen.com and use code church to get $25 off each of your first two orders. MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your complete hair kit for just $5 while supplies last. 

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No, there's no shit about sober October making me laugh about fucking Ari. I just got hit don't bomb It's yeah, what are we gonna do? It's a beautiful day to be alive. It's eight degrees outside. We got our legs. Yep We got our arms. We got our house, right? No, Ed No, right now this fun. You ever get one drop on you fall down the flight of stairs Well, what's that your dick? I'm getting to the point now where you get it there and once you bang out one then you're done done Like done. It used to be one that would stay half of the tension

Yeah, and you go back in there for the second stab and that lasts a little longer We see stars. Yeah that got cut out now I got I got a 24-hour shot clock on mine now. It resets 24 hours, it's it's and the worst is I'll go to my office I got an office like this about the same size. Just fucking all business and little couch and You know, I'll watch some Japanese hidden camera massage porn lesbians And I work one out and I come home that night and the wife throws a move on me after the kids go to bed And I got a look her right in the eye and go too late, sweetie

too late Now one's gone No, I usually don't bang one out in the daytime. No late night type of dude. Really? Yeah I don't know. I'm not a daytime banger out. I Like late night when I got nothing to do at night. You bored You might as well bang one out. I go take a pee and I'll bang one out standing up. No shit. Yeah, I'm old school I'll standing up you land it all in the water. Is it all over the place? Yeah, no, I landed right in the toilet and then I closed it. It's a little space see monkey remember in the 70s

The water and you closed I got a back bathroom. I'll come in that toilet. I'll put the lid down I go away. I come back two days later. I got like a half a kid in there There's like a hand with a fly on it in there telling me help me help me Flush them down the toilet. You got a herd of fucking horses. I got a back bathroom that gets those retarded flies. Yeah Okay, what do you mean they're slow they get big I don't know what happens I open up the door and I take a shit and while I'm taking a shit You know, I love taking a shit with the back door open. Yeah

When we rented this house and I saw the layout Nobody comes to that bathroom You have to walk through too too many mazes So it's my bathroom. I got a couple kettlebells on the floor. I got some club weights and shit I got two punching back two gloves in there I got my bong in there. I got that like while watching the back door of my santeria stuff And I got this shitter and it's perfect And I opened the back door and the sun comes in at six in the morning after my first cup of coffee

And as I'm fucking smoking bong hits this shit flying out of my ass when you cough What's better than coughing out of bong? It's nothing better. No, it comes right out And for some reason lately as you get older you get those extended pieces of shit What the ones that aren't long no more they they're like six inches, but the middle has like a four inch gap Yeah, like a mushroom, right? So your ass stretches out for a minute. Yeah, it's like fucking you guys are both saying yes Like what are you talking about as you get older your body changes. Okay, you're young guys. So your shit's changed So like last week last monday, and I gotta be honest. Yeah, I'm on that. I do not do pain pills

But I had an altoid can That people give me on the road People give me the different pills that put in my little altoid like it ends hydrocodone. I got everything in there Do you know what each one is? Not really not really You know, I have an idea But not really So some nights, you know, so when we had the last night before so about tolba

We came in here and we and I like six codeine trees And I ate them. Let me tell you how much I don't eat pain pills They clogged me up all week. Oh, yeah, that's the problem They destructed me all week coffee. I could feel the shit in my stomach I finally said fuck this the other morning. I ran over the pizza the mexican place up there They got a fruit salad whenever you eat there at the end They give you a fruit cup with the mexican cream on top and makes you fucking your dick hard just eating it Yeah, give you a couple blueberries raspberries and strawberries and uh

Melon the green melon, right? It's tremendous. I just went up there and said give me a Fruit thing with no cream on it. Give me half the cream I ate the whole fucking thing And friday night I was on that throne. Like I said, they were coming out in chunks. Yeah, you could hear it It's like people throwing sheet rock ball for you. Yeah And your asshole is Three times I went in there and it was like 10 minutes of bar bar like Flushing I had to get up and fucking get the pogo stick and push it down

Whatever the fuck you call that load in a cannon. Yeah the fucking I got the big extended one for gorillas The ones they use at the gorilla cage and the bronco I'm pushing down on this motherfucker But for some reason I I attract these flies And they go against the bathroom window and they kind of get retarded. Yeah, right? So after a few days, they just come into my lair and I got a little weed container A glass container that's empty weed and I put them in there I take one of their wings off to fuck them up a little bit

And I put little holes and I feed them weed. I just give them weed And for three or four days, they're just eating weed. They don't know and I just put more flies in there I got about eight of them in there right now and they're fucking do you let them out? No, no, they're in there. I'm like, I'm like that dude and Hannibal like the That collected the bugs and put them up chubby chick's pussy. Yeah And then he would drop them off in the weeds off the 170 What's remember the put the cream on the skin that dude the creepy dude Drop the lotion in the bucket drop the lotion in the bucket. I don't remember bugs going in the pussy in that movie

It was a moth. It was a moth. Oh god. I don't remember that you would put moths in their mouths or something Yeah, that's how they found them. They found the moth in the mouth and right They they figured out that the moth got sent from some other country. Yeah No, I used to take those vikin and I got a I got shoulder surgery. This is probably going back five years I got shoulder surgery just from repeated throwing shit my entire life Just the right the right shoulder needed to be rebuilt and they gave me I had the surgeon right me vikin. I had the general practitioner right me hydrocodone. I had uh Somebody in physical therapy right me somebody I was filling every everyone for

Fucking nine months. These guys kept refilling it and then I go into people's medicine cabinets If I came to your house for dinner I'd excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I would rifle through your shit and I would take your hydrocodone If there's anybody out there friends family that have had me over in the last five years And you think you got a little hydrocodone left when you get a a backache You're gonna have to refill that that's gone. Thank you for the honesty. Yeah, that's why I don't put my shit in the bathroom I Go to open houses. I got my medication in the weirdest places. Yeah, like my blood pressure medications in the kitchen next to the refrigerator

So I'm reminded to take it. Yeah, and all my men and men met the met the little do pills I got them hit You know what I'm saying those are hidden because I don't want mercy to find them. I know you gotta get a safe I don't first of all, I don't have them To put up in my like some people take them and they put them in their medicine cabinet. Yeah I don't have The anxiety shit the doctor gives me. Yeah, I don't put it in there. I don't even take it on the road I wash more of those anxiety pills that are you tell me you put them in your pocket before you come to the store that I take

Yeah, you know, so But it was interesting before the podcast that I went to come at the friars club. Oh, right. What are the requirements? well Back in the day the requirements were that you had to be a man I don't know what the I don't think there was ever a race Restrictions there's a lot of private clubs in New York that had race restrictions You know, you had the the union club and the players club There was a whole like circuit of private clubs. They're mostly in like old beautiful brownstones like five-story brownstones

And the friars club Was founded as a club for entertainers. It was for comedians borscht belt guys that were on the road Broadway actors songwriters entertainment attorneys agents And they they all joined this club and they would just hang out and they had a The joey louis bar you came in on the left and it was one of these old time New york bar is with the fucking red padded

Rubber on the edge of the bar and then some deep black booths in the back And they serve you the fucking peanuts that everybody's pissy hands been rifling through all day But you eat them anyway and guys just come in there After work have a couple of drinks And then during the day guys that come in for lunch the dining room was fucking beautiful I think was the frank Sinatra dining room And you get the dover soul and they they take the bones out right at the table They come over and they filet it for you right at the table and you just put it on your account

Nobody you don't bring money to the friars club. Everything is just they know your number. They throw it down Then you go upstairs and they got uh A card room guys play cards all day betting all fucking like these. Yeah, they're working at night. They're comics So they have their lunch they play cards and then upstairs they get a steam room That's the best steam room in the city and you walk in You get your little locker And then they give you a robe and you walk into the steam room Guy comes in he's got a towel and then he's got a washcloth that they they uh, it's got ice cubes on it

And he hands you that the glass of water and then when you get out You walk into the shower you take a shower big fucking big shower with the the power Nozzle that blows that should it. It's like a civil rights riot in the 60s You're getting blasted against the German shepherds are barking underneath the stall And then you come out and this polish guy takes a towel not making this up And he fucking pats you dry your whole body You just stand there with your arms out this guy pats you dry everything but your dick

And then he wraps the towel around your waist hands you another glass of water And then you go back and you go sit and you put the robe on and they got these, uh, these lazy boys Sitting outside by the gym big screen tv variety magazine Hollywood reporter and you sit down and you fucking watch a little msnbc Read variety put a towel on your head taking nap And then you go out to your show that night Do you have to let the guy dry you off? Why wouldn't you?

I don't know that seems fucking great feeling How long have you been a member of this for I joined in 93 One of the requirements You got to have somebody recommend you and second you and then they review you and then you come in and They have a little ceremony, but they swear you in and Read to the rules and all that stuff. So I joined my father was a fryer my whole life I watched I watched the oj chase and the fryer's club. I watched, you know The 86 Mets win the world series in that fryer's club. They had a they have a tv viewing room. That's fantastic

You know and the waiters are everywhere and fucking black jackets and bow ties getting you drinks and uh And then my I sponsored this woman sarah furan Funny comedic actress kind of quirky and I uh I submitted her she got accepted. She goes to the ceremony. She brings her friend erin And i'm there and I talked to erin. She's with a guy, but I talked to her for like 20 minutes And then after the ceremony I said to sarah furan. I said i'm going to marry your friend someday and uh three years later

I started dating erin took her to the fryer's club proposed In a melton burl room. I proposed to her She said yes the rest is history It's a beautiful story. Yeah Now can I ask you a question? Yeah, you're a pretty smart guy. We love each other We really do. I know what you're gonna say right now. Why the fuck don't I want to go there?

I Gotta call last night from josh wolf Well, let's start the story straight. Yeah, they're watching tv and Well, you know when we come back. I'm gonna show you the first new hollywood marijuana restaurant cafe and uh They flashed to it

They show a bunch of white kids online vapor and they show people inside ha ha ha and smoking a blunt and they got high powered fans and Right there the food's all got pot in it. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know but right then I knew like you would never see me close to that. Yeah, I knew what that decision Last night. I suppose talking to josh wolf and he goes Have you gone to it? Yeah, that's great And he goes you should go and I go josh, how long do I know you? You do know that I would never step foot in that fucking place

You know, I've been smoking dope since I was 12. I got nothing to prove to no But I got like a little restaurant And smoked dope to show these assholes that I smoked dope. Yeah, fuck out of my face And that's all anyone's talking about is smoking dope every night. It's it's but no back to the Why do I feel this way? I mean, you're a smart guy like I sit at home at nights Like I schedule myself because I know I'm at an age I can't go out two nights in a row at the county store. It's too much exciting for me. Yeah

So now thursday gotta take a nap So I'd rather go to the store tuesday and thursday and space it out, but when I'm sitting at home wednesday, it's eight o'clock My daughter's going to bed at 8 30. My wife doesn't give a frenchman's fuck What I do And I got 20 options And I don't want to do any of It's so weird not to offend you, you know, I ideally love you I've seen like pictures in the fries club and how they act and billy crystal

I would stab myself in the eye after five minutes and I don't like nothing. I shit. Yeah, you know, it's like I still remember Wanting to go to montreal so bad And saving up the money and I talked slain and to put me on during the dirty show I took a flight to detroit When I checked into the whole town room detroit because I was going to go to montreal in the morning I was like, who the fuck am I to go there? Didn't invite me. I'm not a part of those people

And even if I go there, I don't want to be there. Like, oh my god, you have such a great time at the bar Yeah, it's the same jerk. I could see on tuesday at the county store. Right I just see them now getting drunk in there in their environment. I don't want to I don't know what it is about me like Do not want to go there. Well, you're an outsider That's your that's your identity is you did it your way And maybe you weren't embraced by the mainstream. You weren't given those same kind of breaks that somebody else might have gotten And I don't know why I mean some people could say it's uh Maybe because people are afraid of you you know, you're aggressive on stage

You say shit. Nobody else says it's not politically correct. It could be racist. You know, you're not you're not white and you know, you're I'm not You're a felon Do you're an outlaw isn't insecurity that I have Or is it a character that I've created For me, it feels like like I've always felt this way I remember the night you came down and this this might

This might have felt like that environment to you is I was doing a I do a benefit show every year for the best buddies We're doing it the improv and it was like For whatever reason I ended up booking. I usually book it because I'm I'm at somebody's house and they got people over and I think Oh, I got to book this fucking thing except for you who I just call for any time I do a benefit I call you straight out of the gate And I was there and so it was Zach Alfinakis and it was sarah silverman And I think it might have been brian posane

So it was kind of like I think it might have represented like that kind of largo world or that alternative comedy world That maybe you never felt a part of and I remember seeing you You didn't come in the room. You were standing in the back You don't want to come until you went on and I think you were feeling like a little bit trepidatious You know and I hadn't seen you like that before and you went on stage and you fucking Ripped it apart and you were doing the bit about The chick pissing in your face and you just didn't give a fuck and I'm sitting with them in the corner And I'm curious to see what their reaction is going to be to you. You know because this is not largo. This is not you know

pro-feminist, you know with their use And they they're fucking jaws were slacked They were like what what just blew on stage What fucking storm just settled over the microphone at the improv now and they they fucking loved it They were like this is unbelievable and I remember you walking out and and I I knew that I don't know that you saw them or how they reacted But I think you felt really good that you just did

What you do And that whatever anxiety you were feeling before that didn't come on stage with you It was pure joe ideas on that stage Well, I always have anxiety Yeah, you know Once I walk into The battle zone. Yeah the commie store The anxiety goes up 150 percent right. It's like when michael, you know one of the greatest things about the godfather

Is what whatever the director was or whatever the idea he got When michael goes into the bathroom Before he shoots a lot to get the gun. Yeah and the bronze to train That train If I know greg quid Simmons is sitting in this office And I got to put a hit on greg quid Simmons And I have to do it myself at nine o'clock at night when he's doing a podcast with Lee As I walk up those stairs your adrenaline

Go so high because I've been in that situation before where I robbed somebody or Rob jewelry When anytime I did anything that was that creepy Like robbing a house or robbing a drug dealer You go deaf You hear a zz like that's all I would hear Like your heart is pounding so much There's so much adrenaline going into your body

That that's what you hear you kind of hear a simulation of what michael heard On that train The other night I went to the store My wife made chicken collards for lunch She went to church. She made chicken collards when she came back. I had like two chicken collards Like four or eight two chicken collards because what do you want for dinner? She gave me the menu for dinner. I was like, you know what? Don't worry about it. I gotta go to the store anyway. I'll stop at joe's pizza and get dinner

I'm just gonna slice. I got I had 14 points left So I get to the comedy store the other night Some dear kid that I've known for 20 years was talking to me. I really couldn't hear him Even with the hearing aids, huh? I couldn't hear him and to be honest with you. I didn't want to hear There's nothing to talk about when I walked in there was two boxes at joe's pizza On the piano in the main room I didn't eat in the green room in the green room. Yeah, I didn't touch him, right

You know, and I remember going on stage and getting over with then when I came back I could hear the kid Now I could have a conversation with him. Right. Why are you talking to me? Right? I'm about to go to war. Yeah, what are you talking about? I like it here. He sounded like Charlie Brown And he kept talking until he finally got it that this guy doesn't want to be bothered or He's not even hearing. Yeah, like I'm going up in the main room. I don't know time for just more talk Right, I don't give a fuck about Whatever the fuck where we met when I go I did a guest spot on your show in st. Louis four years ago

And you're supposed to remember I got a jog my memory about somebody It's like good if I if I remembered you it means you were memorable if I don't remember you Let's not rehash something that wasn't that important in the first place. That's why I hate doing two shows Because I want to talk to the people After the first show the crowd, but if you have a second show you really can't yeah, because that's an hour of Also, it's fucking jeopardy. Right You know It's Wesley

Uh, do you remember what you said in episode 274 the rogan podcast? Why did you say this on greg fit simons's podcast? Just take the picture and shut your fucking mouth I don't even know what the fuck I just said on stage And you want to know what's with the fucking questions Take the fucking picture right and then they get the camera out and it's the the the fucking lock is on the girlfriend's trying to open it Yeah, she doesn't know the code Eight minutes with your stupid fucking question, which I have no idea what you're saying We're in a room with 300 people on a line waiting to take pictures. I got no fucking idea what you said

Come over here. Let me put my arm around you. Let me give you a compliment. Take a picture. Let's get the fuck out of here Yeah, right and then they come back and they tell you stories. I can't fucking hear you Even with the fucking earpiece. I can't fucking hear you. There's 300 people in the fucking room So before I go on like I really like the comedy store After my little Netflix debacle, I made a decision. I'm only going to the comedy store and I have a Like tonight I love my friends But you know what leave me a fucking loan on tuesday

You don't want to come to the store on a tuesday night It's chaos. It's chaos It's two sold out shows in the main room One in the original room and three sold out shows in the belly room that's a total of 1200 people in that building not to mention a hundred comics lurking To suck on blood or whatever the fuck they do down there and the staff and the waitresses You know, you want to come down in a fucking tuesday night and talk

I wanted to bring you a script. You know what? Tuesday night's my work night, right? You know, I like about tuesday night What I told you that night when I called you when we saw magic that night, right? I go in that I get two orders I fucking get high. I take an edible sometimes and I want to sit in the original room and watch the three comics before me And I want to learn and I don't want to be bothered. Guess what? Get the fuck out of here with your stupid fucking questions. Yeah I'm watching alley one get the fuck out of here because I watch alley one. Is this okay? Yeah You know, I like when I see you you just sit next to me

We hug each other and we both watch and laugh right right. There's people that come I never forget one night I'm sitting there minding my own business And somebody bent over and whispered in my ear. Oh, you're taking a charlotte with you And I just gave him a look Like Val Kilmer gave that white guy at the diner and heat Remember when the guy was like, man, I had to go down and Val Kilmer looked at him like what the fuck are you fucking talking about? Like I swear to god. Yeah, I haven't seen this guy and he's a sweetheart of a guy Right sweetheart of a guy. Oh, and here's what I get. There's this female comic at the store

And uh, I'm outside and somebody goes, uh, oh, you know so-and-so and I look at our go I don't think I don't think we met I'm Greg and she goes Doesn't shake my hand. Yeah, we met before we met before and I've been and I've been a comic here for such and such amount of time And I go, oh, sorry about that. I just you know, I don't have a great memory. I have fucking Terrible memory. I have no facial recognition whatsoever and forget names So that becomes her thing now every time I see her she does this. Oh, yeah, you don't remember. Do you remember me this time? It's like, hey look, sweetie You know

I I do my best just because some people have photographic memories You got a guy like pat nozz wall that guy can remember the fucking third track On a you know on a fucking Aerosmith album that flopped in the 80s and you know his every word to it He can name every person that was on a show. I don't have that memory. I don't remember shit So you're gonna hold it against me. It's not that I don't like you. You're perfectly fine. I watched rack choose funny Did I remember the first time I met her? No fucking let it go I have a phenomenal

long-term memory really Words speeches Like this time i'm reading a book Like a crime book or something and they describe a conversation. I always think about that conversation How do you fucking remember something that was said in the room 30 years ago, right? I guess what I still remember specific conversations I had with people lines from movies Oh, yeah lines from movies. I'm great

Asked me what I did yesterday the other day before now at this age. I'm starting to forget. Yeah When you go to this, you know, when you go on the road You see some waitresses at some clubs They're there every 18 months You know, when you go to the fucking funny bone in columbus to manage her with the glasses, she's great She's been there for 30 something. Yeah You know, so you wreck marcy marcy The the cook in columbus the big black drill right right, you know, you just become

and But have you ever gone to an improv and a waiter? For the last four years you've gone to miami and he works in miami But all of a sudden he transfers to the university of tempeh and you do tempeh and you see him He throws your whole fucking week off. Yeah, because you're like, I know this motherfucker. You should be in miami Where's the rest of the I mean, that's the worst, right? You know, we're at an age now where I try my hardest I try my hardest, you know what?

There's people I give hugs to And talk to and I don't know their names at the county store. Yeah There's two guys in particularly that I get I'm confused all the time I just don't know their name Fahima moi. Yeah, I could say that all fucking day Make him follow me when I'm on stage and you gotta introduce him cannot bring you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It's the most in but I could see All fucking day long fahima moi fahima moi

Bring me up on stage. Yeah when I go, jeff who's up next fahima moi I've fucking my insides crack. Yeah, because I know or the worst is they just say fahim They don't tell you the last name and then sometimes you space on the last night. I brought you up I said an intro about you. Yeah, and as I was doing the intro, I was I almost forgot your name I'm just laughing. I did that to Eric might like my best open mic buddy The first time I did the belly room. I forgot his name as I was bringing him up. I thought it was just me I'm glad to hear that dude. I used to be I used to be at an agency and

And I had I had a few different agents, you know, they cover you one one person does tv one person For your writing and another person books your stand-up. So you got three different agents at one agency And the woman that booked my acting which was not a lot because I've never done a lot of acting But she was my acting agent. I was trying to do more You know sitcom auditions and stuff And uh, she's black And I'm walking down the hallway with my stand-up agent and uh, and I see her and I go, uh, hey robin

Which is the assistant. I thought it was the assistant. I go, hey robin Which is the assistant's name Now it was the agent And she goes no, I'm the other black woman in the office your agent And I was like All right, and then I walked down the hall. I said to my stand-up agent. I go I think I have to leave the agency and I did I switched agencies Why because she the look in her eyes

She was so fucking she was so pissed off and I knew there was no recovery from it I was kind of halfway out the door anyway. I used it as an excuse, but It was awkward Yeah, why can't we wear a name tag? I yeah, I love that I'm I've been terrible at names. That was my when I was a kid I worked at movie theaters and cvs and you had name tags and then I went to restaurants No name tags. I worked at like it's it's it's there's so many people It's not even just because you guys made a lot of you being a teacher when you got

Oh my god, you know when you got five different classes a day coming in 30 kids in each It's 150 kids you got to learn fast because by by week three You got to know these fucking kids names. You know, there's like parent teacher conferences where these parents all come in They want to know how their kid's doing You know, what is what does he look like? This is the one with the clunky glasses or the acne. I don't know. He seems to be doing all right I don't know his name

what a shame that it's I I wouldn't get mad at somebody if I still remember being an open miker and an mc and fucking up a credit And a comic just destroying me. Yeah, and me wanting to knock the motherfucker out, but he had every right to but You bombed anyway. I wouldn't want them to remember my name You bombed anyway, what was the they get off stage all mad at you you fucked up

My I was on mbc not abc. Yeah doesn't matter You were playing a fucking you closed with a tina turn a fucking song What are your chances? What are your chances? You're going to deep murky waters of a cruise ship. Yeah, where you had it, you know, I had it nowhere knocking off Those are the people that I've I've never forgotten. Yeah, people. Yeah, it also taught me how to tree comics Like now when comics come up to mr. Diaz, what he wants to say nothing

And their faces just drop you say nothing nothing Yeah, really? I I studied you a wikipedia. I know everything nothing And they're like and then afterwards like thank god You know, there's my eighth time on stage. I was all nervous normally I'm not here to make you nervous But I remember working with comics that came there purposely to make me nervous And I think about them now and that's why they ended up zeros

Yeah, because they were the boost of feature and the fucking mc. You don't have to say nothing about me, bro Yeah, I know I remember being at your level And having a hard time remembering what I had to say. Yeah, now I gotta remember Seeing on the crocodile hunt with a and e the show's not even on anymore. Right. Nobody cared. Yeah. There was a different generation Yeah, they're already here. They're sitting in their seats. They're gonna watch, you know, I worked I began I hope you don't think I'm cynical people but sometimes you have to be honest with yourself I started as a host Just to let people know

At a broker it was called the broker in and it was tribbles, colorado run So tuesday was braboulder. What a great start to a week You're like i'm in heaven. Oh From there, wednesday you got off and thursday you went to craig colorado and on the call sheet For the week like they would fax you the call sheet for the week

It would have tuesday october 8th boulder They would have the address contact Steve harvey you're to get one room and one voucher for a free meal pick up partial payment You'll pick up 65 hours and then for craig it would go craig colorado A buck hill hotel The bar is uh six miles from the The vfw hall and it would go but it would be outlined in red

And it said this room is active If bottles erupt or violence Run back to the altar Like i'll never forget that yeah thursday was gunnison and Sad for friday was gunnison And saturday was colorado springs or something but the point i'm getting to is When you work those triple runs and again i'm not taking away from anybody You work with a lot of frustrated headliners

Especially from here I worked with dug stanhope as a feature there I worked with maybe out of all those days 28 years ago because this is when i had this job my first two years of comedy Still in the business today. I think there's maybe three of them Whether they were feature acts my age There was three of them and they're still on that same circuit Those three guys they're still around no no no stanhope is still around

There's one guy who was really hot because it just Wasn't for broken down la comics It was also for comics on the upswing that wanted to work out material So we got a lot of san francisco guys That were really good young comics But half the month it was guys that they would walk in And tell you how long you've been doing a kid Six months quit now

To get the la you gotta suck dick you gotta be that's run by faggots Yeah, you know they did but they were just and you could see that they were just broken Men yeah, you could even at that point I would Cater to him and be nice to him But I could tell like that's where I met the guy that replaced chico and the man Oh, yeah, what do you think he felt like he went on to become a great script writer And he went on to teach acting class and stuff like that

But when I met him he was in that transition Like he was a big shot at the store You know, he was on mbc And now he was working on triple ones And that's a card hold, you know, that's a cold hard reality. Yeah, right And you look at, you know, it's just a weird age my age right now. I'll triple one guys Like it was I was working with a lot of guys my yeah that I was in LA for 20 years And you gotta be a fucking faggot. Yeah, you gotta suck dick and you gotta do it all the excuses

Mitsy sure doesn't know what she's doing. Yeah, bud Friedman made me audition eight times to catch her and then you watch their acting You're like Are you fucking kidding me? Right, people put so much more effort Into where they are Who's holding them back? What they need to do to get their social media and not any on their fucking writing of their apps It was such an education

Yeah To me the different I'm gonna tell you who else was very good one of the headlines that Did the best job ever Tony something he would proclaim to be bill Hicks's sponsor Tony visage Okay

He came into that broken one in an hour And took the fucking roof off I bumped into him years later and I gave him a big hug because he was very encouraging He was bill Hicks's alcohol sponsor before but Hicks died And he was around he lives in Houston. I think he's still around Texas Tony visage But besides that all those comics disappeared. Yeah, I remember that we had the two-year anniversary It was a big young comic from san francisco who was very witty and very smart And when I moved to la I bumped into him

He lived around the block from me and his roommate was one of those fucking knuckleheads that's still around here He's working something. He's got to be doing something dumb But he made a mistake one night. We were at the store And I had been at the store maybe three years And in those days they used to have a room in orange county on thursday nights. It was like an hour drive from here It was a dinner theater Do you remember that 20 years ago? No, I wasn't around Well, how long have you been in town 20 years, but I didn't start at the store. No, no, no, no about 20 years ago

There was a room in orange county That was a dinner place. Oh, I thought it was one of the store. In fact, we did in fact I did it with rogan about 10 years ago 20 years ago was very fucking popular It was thursday nights. You had to take the 405 north And uh cut somewhere I don't remember where it was and you had yeah the 405 south And then you had to take off like it was like an hour fucking drive

But it was big time to get that gig Like the guy who booked it had left the other club igbies right whoever was booking igbies Was now the booker down there and it was a place that served you dinner It was a dinner theater place but on thursdays they did comedy and I mean everybody went down there and I remember What the fuck is my point of the story Talking about a guy at the store approached you I had been on that circuit. So I'll never forget that that was the

He was sunk away in charge of booking that room. That's why he would go to the store on friday nights Okay, and I'll never forget that one night. He was buying coke from chewy and so was I And while we were standing Buying the coke from chewy Chewy said to me joey that was out of a spot tonight. I go. Thank you, Joey And the kid made a remark. He goes I could follow him And about a month later they booked me in that room and he had to follow me

And it was if you think I buried gelato at the store This was even worse. This kid was reaching when he got off stage. He threw chairs and complained about me And I reminded him You said you could follow me. You learned a big lesson. He's still around. He's a half a moutage I think he's giving hollywood tours You know what I'm saying? Like if you go to hollywood, he's wearing a costume And when you go to hollywood tour at 2 in the afternoon, he's got a red shirt on You want to see where david spade lives?

Let the fuck out of here He'll suck my dick I'll never forget him making that stupid remark And it had to be 1999. Yeah, like he just made a stew. He goes, I bet I could follow him Right. I'm just not a regular at the store because mitchie like he he wanted to be a regular He would hang out down there and then give regular shit for being regular. Yeah. Yeah There's no better feeling. I remember starting out with rogan and boston There was there was a couple guys that had that attitude towards us

And then that was that was all we did was it made you stronger. It made you go I'm gonna fucking bury that guy. So oh, yeah, he's that was the greatest Motivated a right new shit and work on your edge and work on you know taking on an audience and figuring out how to Get inside them get inside them and fucking explode them from the inside You know to make contact with them as a young comic all you're doing is you're throwing shit at them You're just you're you're you're just like a it's a slap fight You're not getting through and then you start to develop your voice And then you start to develop your confidence and then you start to develop your understanding of what a crowd is

And then suddenly you find your way in you find your way to to to connect to them in a way that they go Oh, this guy's in charge They give over and you're the alpha And then the and then you start to learn how to take that energy and fucking explode that crowd And you can't that takes time It takes it takes getting grounded on stage And not being afraid to bomb so you can take that risk To really show them who you are and connect

And that's when you that's when you blow a guy off when you talk about rogan What year were you guys talking about 89 start around 89 and you guys are not part of the clique at all well rogan was not at all he was in no clique at all and uh I was um I I played around with like catcher rising star had like david cross louis ck jenny ditulio jenny garofalo

Some of the like alternative people and some people that would john groff who's like one of the biggest show runners and In la now people that Brian keily people that are great writers were we're hanging out a catcher rising star and it was There was a guy there robin horton who was like curating that vibe. It was in harvard square So you had all these harvard kids coming in and it was like david cross did a thing called cross comedy where it was Do you ever see mr. Show that he did with bob odin kirk? It was the it was the predecessor to mr. Show so it was sketches mixed with some stand up and You know connecting sketches to each other in sort of like tangential ways

It was interesting and I used to do spots over there rogan was Would never be caught dead over there and they they couldn't stand him he couldn't stand them and he kind of went out and He wasn't he wasn't into it to make friends. He was into it to try to destroy And I was like him and I were we're tight. We were we were going out on gigs together like Maine vermont new hampshire, Connecticut every night never a fucking hotel You would drive five hours up to maine and they would hand you some cash at the end of the night

Get back in the car in a fucking snowstorm and drive back to boston so we spent a lot of time in cars together and uh And so we were tight and there was a bunch of guys tom codder was part of our clique tom codder and algae charm and uh, guy named mike mcdonald is down in florida now and uh We were like more of like kinnison fans. I think and hicks fans and I think those guys were more like, um You know, maybe steven wright fans and uh

so But then you had the guys that were The standards of boston don gavin steve swinney and lennie clark. These guys never left boston But they could go you put their name up in front of they were when we were starting out There were six full-time clubs in downtown boston. I'm talking seven nights a week Hot crowds sold out. It was fucking we were the luckiest comics in the world We were it's like malcolm gladwell talks about you know in outliers how You know whether whether or not the beat you know the beatles started out because they the happenstance

Of being able to play in hamburg germany where they had to play For six hours a night and they did it for weeks at a time For years at a time and that's how they got they like they say you got to do 10 000 hours before you get great at something And we were in boston playing in front of these great crowds downtown Then we go out on the road and play tough saloons Hackalors, you know working-class factory people in wister massachusetts That were broke drinking fucking punch out of those giant bowls with straws The aku aku. I didn't know you knew that place. Fuck. Yeah, no shit. I performed there

Oh, fuck. It was hysterical because every time I did it I tell you with tony v Yeah, the greatest and it was an experience because he said to me uh, we play a game up here called Count the puke things the puke circles Because the aku aku would give you the punch balls. Yeah, scorpion balls. Scorpion balls. The food was delicious. Yeah brown rice And the shrimp and lobster sauce on fire. Yeah, and then you'd go up and perform But by the end of the night three people would puke. Oh, yeah

And it would be egg roll powder and the the cabbage Mixed with fucking pineapple juice and it would stink to all hell And the chinese guy would have to they don't have no more rollers. It was like a box Puerto rican's use them and shit and like you can't fucking use them if you have like confetti because They don't pick up confetti These chinese guys would be pissed. I did the aku aku 10 times from

I loved it. Oh, it's some fucking greatest. I loved it because stanhope was from worcester Yeah, and I loved it because of the vibe it had. Yeah, like when I first read about the boston scene about like I never like jarogan had uh nick Lenny and Lenny Clark and his brother Mike Clark. Yeah, I haven't listened to it yet Yeah, but I loved all that like listening to all those stories like he told me a story that you guys used to play softball Yeah, three days a week playing with Jeanine Garofalo. Yep him get into an argument with the fucking

The joke that the check bounced a favorito. He's bouncing checks now. I heard in vegas. Yeah, no boss He's back in boston. They chased him out of vegas went to boston started booking rooms first week frank santa reaney Santarelli And the soprano showed up with the sunglasses Boom bounced a check on him and it's been all downhill ever since Before you know, if any favorito be doing open mics and fucking Massachusetts because he got bounced out of boston. That's why he was in vegas

He was teaching classes to comics and he collected all the fucking money all the money then he came out here Yeah, left with the money without teaching the class. He didn't teach the class The story about the benefit. Yeah, I heard that one too. They fucking He does the waitress had the benefit. This is all allegedly No, this is the people who told me we're right on right remember this is club 56 the owner was the old jew Used to be called chick land up on root 93 north What next to what's what's what? Where's where's fucking jay Leno from?

Uh, I don't know. This was the town that nancy carrigan was from And over and over right and over mass. Yeah, that's what jay Leno's from. How is he and it was grill 93 And what was it? What was the restaurant chick land before chick? Oh, uh, I can't remember from 99 to 2002 It became he did a great job of their booking comic john tovin No, no, no, no, it was this jewish guy. Oh, yeah, and there was dick darty There was this club 56 and then there was that that plays downtown the famous place And on monday's comedy stop. No the bigger comedy connection

Yes, and on monday's I would go down there And the really cool guy would host the irish guy where I got arrested. So he's dead He was good. Oh kevin nox. Kevin. Yeah And that was my route. Yeah, no shit. Do you think you know shit? I was going there as a feature act dude And I would Thursdays a kid up there would get me like a gig in the neighborhood And then fridays and saturdays. I would do 56 Sundays, they'd get me something in new hampshire By the airport or something. Yeah, and then monday. I would stay and go to the comedy connection

And the guy with the gammon problem Any favorita? No, the other guy with the game the manager. They had a gammon problem Billy downs wherever managed that parkly. Yes. We'll manage that place Had a gammon problem. Yeah the guy who got me into boston was the guy that was an attorney That came out of paul de angelo paul de angelo was the one who made the call for me Right, who's the gay guy from boston really good looking was out here for a while Good friends with chris maguire sweetheart

Sweetheart of jimmy la letta jimmy la letta. Yeah, they were all regulars at the store. Yeah, right? What's the other guy that used to dress up like dracula? Oh dom Fig Dominic fig. Yeah, he's still he only comes around halloween. Yeah. Yeah, you got a face. You got a facebook message I'm back if you want to do that. Let me tell you about the the aku aku and wister I remember I used to play with billy burr billy used to be back when he was billy He used to open for me a little squeaky voice billy burr. He was fucking sweet He wasn't as aggressive as he is now. He was just he was just a sweet kid. What year is this 93?

94 maybe and uh, I drive out with him one week and uh, I go up There's a place called cheapies donuts across the street from the aku aku and I just remember I remember the name because I thought when you're when you're shopping for donuts is cost Is that is that big on your list that they're cheap donuts? You just buy some fucking donuts So I buy a dozen donuts because I know how bad late show friday is right? So I figure i'll give out some treats I'll keep I'll keep them fucking focused. So I go up there and I go up and uh, and I do this bit I used to have this bit where it was I would read a deadbeat father's day card written to a deadbeat dad

So I'm reading the card and some guy in the back stands up and he goes Hey, I'm a deadbeat dad and I don't appreciate that And so a guy in front of him turns around and he goes Shut up and sit down asshole Now two parties of wister guys fucking hair slick back They still got their varsity jackets on even though they're in their 40s They're drinking those fucking scorpion bowls and they collapse on each other like a rugby match and shit tables are flying People are throwing fucking plates. They call they call the police and I stay on stage. I'm calling it like a fight

He hits him with a left. Oh, he's down. Watch out for the scorpion bowl. Oh, he's got your back brother Don't worry about it smitties here And then they keep fighting the fight went on so fucking long That the police showed up and the fight was still it was like a seven-minute fight Just rolling around the room and they had those xylophone doors They broke through the xylophone door and then they start dragging guys out the donuts didn't help And and they don't know so then they all fucking leave and now the crowd is in disarray People's drinks are knocked over and I just started hanging out donuts. I'm like, it's gonna be all right everybody

We're gonna I got 20 minutes left. We're gonna finish this shit up And then like you said before chicken the front row throws up on the stage. Oh my god Just when you think it couldn't get worse. She throws up on the stage everybody threw up there Everybody threw up the guarantee three throw-ups. Yeah, the chinese waiters don't like used to it Yeah, I was gonna add did they did they card back then or was that like high school kids? It was a mix of underage kids And you know Worcester's like a dilapidated Like defunct factory town all those factories are out of business and a lot of people aren't welfare

It's it's it's taking a tick up lately. They're coming back But it was a sad fucking place just big brick factories with no fucking smoke coming out of those smokestacks They're cold cold factories With sad people I gotta be honest with you For a guy like me And you're gonna be in chocolate

At the time Being a regular at the comedy store And being able to perform in boston I thought I was a movie star. Yeah Once I had accomplished Those two things even if it was an open mic At the comedy connection connection. That was one of my all-time favorite. Yeah, that was a fuck Is it the top of annual hall, right? That was yeah, that was

That was you could rock that place. I still remember going there for the week And went rogue and and just being and having just eaten downstairs. Yeah going across the street to the hotel We did a two-day stint Where all we did was me him eddy And and that's what you know, I mean god bless when we were broke. Yeah, Joe would pay for everything We were eating lobster claws That fear factor money we were tearing that shit up jack That he was taking care of all of us with that fear factor money and it was just uh

I know there was a lot of coke floating around in those days. All right, both nights. I disappeared in those days Once joe got off the show the second he go his ds. Fuck he left again They would start because I didn't have a call a phone. I would have a pager. Yeah, my page would be blowing up I just turned it off I put no bother in the room. I get back the hotel would make me change rooms So rogan would think I was in two away that make them change me Because I don't want nobody knocking on my door I would disappear dude. They used to pay people in coke

They'd give you a hundred dollar packet a coke after you set that and guys would do it at the bar There was not making this up and there's a film about it. It's called when stand-up stood out And it's about boston back in the 80s. Where where is it? Where is it at because I saw it's on youtube I think I think you're watching on youtube. Yeah, this guy france alameda made it. Yes And it's about how much coke was around in those days and that the comics actually staged a protest because The club owner told them at the the old comedy connection, which was on warrenton street told them they couldn't do lines at the bar While the show was going on But they wanted to watch the other comics because they were all they were all doing new shit every night

Fucking around and they want to see each other and do blow and they they told them they couldn't and so they picketed They refused to do the club And they had to give in and go all right fine. You guys can do coke at the bar I'm not sure if that's in the movie, but it's about that time now Now while you're up there rogan dan cooks already at the comedy connection. He was an impromptu He did stand up in front of an impromptu. I heard yeah, they were called They were called God I can't remember the name, but it was bobby kelly

And uh And dain and I think one other kid might have been two other kids, but it's definitely definitely bobby and dain Something the monkeys al and the monkeys it was called And they used to go up and they were silly because like the thing about boston is You really could do anything because it was a closed community So there wasn't a lot of people that came to town like you're a rarity not many people were brought into boston It was very rare. I had to beg that guy. Yeah, he paid me Break even money because he goes i'm loaded with feats. That's right. What do I need you for? Yeah

He didn't need me at all So you're in a world where you have to be different than the other Hundred comics in town if you had the same voice as somebody else They'd come down on you. It was not it was not acceptable So it forced people to develop their own thing And so al and the monkeys was like the only sketch group i'd ever seen in boston nobody else did it and uh and so uh

And then they branched out and started doing their own thing but uh I think they felt they felt hacky But I thought they were funny, you know, they were goofballs. That's just a great, you know looking back Like that was just a great scene to tell you dang cook janine bill burr patricio neil Patrice was in boston too louis ck. Yep louis ck mark maren um And maren was already a veteran

Well, maren maren dav cross louis they all started about two years ahead of uh me and rogan and then uh me and rogan's class was like us billy was a couple years after us bobby kelly was a couple years After us patrice was a few years after us and then um Yeah, and then there were guys like I said so many guys that went out to be big writers brian kelly who I think is the best writer i've ever met has been writing monologue jokes for conan since day one every fucking day For 25 years that dude shows up sharpens his pencil and writes 50 fucking monologue jokes

And he's a machine and you got to read his twitter feed brian kelly k i l e y check out his twitter feed fucking golden jokes every day And he came out of that like I said jonathan groff came out of that um, and then you got you know guys that never left but that are Some of the comics I consider the best comics i've ever seen don gavin steve sweeney lenny clark You mentioned him before tony v Mike donovan guys that

Fucking destroy that are craftsmen that have beautiful jokes Timing and they have personas that are unlike anybody you've ever seen before So crowds in boston are always good to this day. It's my my best market. I go back. I sell out all my shows Rockin crowds. It's it's still an amazing place to do stand up I'm interested to see what you think happened because i'm from there and I remember Early high school. They still had the comedy connection on top of fainter hall, but then that closed And through college there was literally nothing like I left before left boston opened So like it seemed like there was like a 10 years or something where there's literally not a comedy club

yeah, there was a guy that came in and uh, I'm not gonna say his name, but he had one of the bigger clubs and he started Running the other clubs out of business on purpose He was buying up a lot of advertising in the local paper Telling comics if they worked the other place they couldn't work his place Bringing it out of town headliners changed the whole table reset the table Changed the scene and started paying the opening acts to feature acts no money at all And so a lot of good comics left town because of that or just stopped doing it

It was bad. It was bad for the city, but now the city's having to resurgence a guy named john tobin Who runs laugh boston is fucking great dude great knows comedy and he goes back to that club You were talking about the grill 93. Yeah, the uh, the um What was it called the club we were talking about before we're very sick Yeah, yeah, he was he started out as a door guy there Then he became the manager then he started booking clubs downtown and now he's got rooms all over the place He's got a room in Worcester. He's got one in springfield. He's got one in I think Cape Cod And he's opened them all over the place and this guy's really fucking sharp

And so there's there's been a real good bounce back. Well, you have an interesting Like I loved my open mic story. Like I loved it. Yeah, like looking back on it. I Really enjoyed myself like I had In Denver remember I got on stage When rosanne was the queen and she had just left Denver, maybe Four years. So yeah rose then it was hot Roseanne left heat You know people were looking at Denver. You had steve mcgrew. Yeah, what the time, you know, he just missed the boat

He was just too late for the boat on so many different levels But he had three different hours york with steve mcgrew. Oh, yeah, and one week. He has three different hours. Yeah, right What the fuck? Yeah, you know, so it was Todd Jordan and rick burns and they had this big thing going You got the comedy works You know, once I got banned from the comedy was was forced my hand to go to seattle That's why I hooked up with josh wolf and brody stevens and that was a scene that It made me who I am today that comedy underground was a phenomenal club, right?

and it's so weird you look back and You see that josh wolf is still in the business and you know Brody was still in the business. I mean You look at the percentages. I mean with you You know patrice o'neill god rest his soul, but it's patrice burr dame robert kelly Rogan janine still doing something. Yeah, david crossy. They always throw him a fucking show It's gonna get cancelled. Right, you know marron. Yeah solid marin louis louis solid

You know And the generation before us you had fucking steven right you had Uh, you had uh j leno paula poundstone kevin meany Lenny clark Lenny clark Lenny clark was dice pushed me on stage Lenny clark Taught me how to add class like I saw that picture of him rogan and his brother. Yeah, and I still remember I used to shop at fashion bar

when I was a car sales They had you know suits and then they had off the rack I bought off the rack I became friends with the guy the guy's name was bob shorts great guy jewish guy from brooklyn Always had a jew story always had a great racist fucking black joke I remember being a friend of them when the blacks went to war with the jews and the broncs In like 93 and I'll never forget going into fashion bar and there were white people all over

He's like thank god. We're beating up those fucking whatever they call black people. He was just yelling at bolder He goes there was we're fucking fucking them up and like I don't know some part of bushwick somewhere in brooklyn Yeah, blacks got into it with jews And he was talking about blame when they make a long story. Oh, I know what it was. It was when that jewish guy got He got he got chased through the streets. He got hit by a car and died and then there was like race wars Right 91 92 it was uh Out by coney island. What's that area? Whatever. Yeah. Yeah. It was 91 92 and when I saw him go off

I took a liking to him. Yeah, I always bought off the rack there When I saw lennie clark and his rodney danger field special I had just gotten separated. We're just talking about this the other day and I didn't give a fuck I went in and I went bob take the card today We're going over to the real suits and I bought like four fucking suits at the time 1987 let's say there was 600 a piece And I started wearing suits because of lennie But I started bombing even more. Yeah, like I was on a bombing streak. Yeah, I'm saying I'm doing comedy three years

I see lennie inspires me to take it a different way Now i'm doing a combination of dice lennie and kennison And i'm sprinkling in the little hicks in there, right? And I still got the prior element going But I pushed the lennie as much as I could with the suit But the percentage of bombings I had a notebook in those days And I remember every time I wore a suit. It was just bomb. Yeah bomb bomb. Are you logged how you did each time?

Oh, you have to okay. I had to have if you know anything about me. I'm captain fucking Records. Yeah, everything gets logged in how much I got paid who else went on stage How the joke I did tried or I would write fucked you you suck quit You're just a sack of shit criminal. You're never gonna amount to anything. Yeah, I mean, I would just torment myself Wow, you still have all those notebooks. Yeah Shit, I would love to read I think I'm missing uh I'm missing 97

Through 99. That's what I my car got code. Okay, and they took like two years in notebooks Yeah, and those are really interesting because those are my first two years And what I was feeling and I would write like I would I would be brutally honest Would you write down if you'd done coke that night or anything? You could see it in the handwriting. Yeah When he's logging in at 4 30 in the morning you could see the ink fucking no, no it was no computer Everything was done by hand. Yeah, all these notebooks were October 8th comedy store

Sam Tripoli show I and then I would put 15 minutes I tried a new joke, but I bombed What do I expect how much work do I put into this? I suck 10 o'clock show Did a lot better. I redeemed myself It's time. You put a little bit more effort into this. I got paid 15 bucks Sam Tripoli

Kevin Fitzgerald and Lisa yeah, we're on the show I just just to cover my ass. Yeah Somebody once told me just just whatever just as a log and then at the end of the month I would take the page and go I did 22 sets my goal for next month is 27 sets I did 26 sets. I bombed 21 times

I did okay 23 times and I did excellent three times If I don't pick this number up by this date, I should just shoot myself Like I was that honest like yeah Well, they say success comes from writing down your goals. That's the thing you read every every all the time you read that Right now when I walk in the door at 10 o'clock at night, whether my wife is up The baby that's fine I'm 56 And I still have the same habit I had

10 years ago even without the coke I'm doing the same things I did at night when I walk in from doing the set That I did would only accept the coke So I walk in I pee I wash my hands. I get the comedy star off of me I you know, whatever I get a beer I get not a beer, but I get like a water I'll do a few bomb hits And then I'll open up that notebook. That's the first thing I do. There's nothing else you have to do. Yeah, go to the notebook Go to the set list you had that you were going to do that new joke you were going to try

I didn't try it. So now you have something to complain about. Yeah, so tonight. All right, october 8 sam trippley show I'll write what he paid me and how I did And then the original show obviously the sets going to be different So I'm going to write what I did differently And once I do that then I go to the journal side of the notebook And I close out my day. I was my day today did this I did this I spent time with my family You know I'm saying just to always keep that dial right? That's great. You know at this point right now The performance is there

You know, I could still bat 327 any given night I just need to write You know, I don't have to perform as much as I had to 10 years ago I could just write and get the same result But this is what works for me now When I was when you know when you first got into it. I didn't watch tv for the first 10 years of comedy I didn't even know what the tv was. I watched MTV in the daytime I didn't know and you watch Seinfeld. Yeah, I know I remember never seeing Seinfeld and everybody was talking about it

I never watched friends and watch tv. That's right friends. Yep. Never saw an episode of friends If you're a real comic, you don't know anything about what's on tv if you're real Yeah, you have no idea and you missed your cousin's wedding and you missed your buddy's 30th birthday party You don't know the cape you didn't do that. It's really weird when you try to Still try to be normal during an open mic because you can't yeah because you have to force your principles to think that way Like everything is a no Like what are you doing saturday november 14th? Your uncles are getting together good sending them to go fuck themselves. Yeah, right?

I'm not going and and the thing is is it wasn't even a discipline. It was just in my mind going to long island to my Cousin's wedding Just never felt like no, but i'm getting spots to stand up new york. They're giving me fucking three spots on a saturday night I used to I used to drive from new york from boston. I would finish my sets On a saturday night at the akku akku and wuster late show get get off stage at midnight I'd get in the car and I would drive three and a half hours I would get to new york at 3 30 in the morning. I'd crash on friends couches

It was always a hassle calling friends. Hey, can I stay at your place? Can I stay at your place? Wearing out the fucking welcome at all your friends places having nights where you couldn't find a place to stay And so you go down and you get a hotel that you can't afford And you stay there all so you can hang out at the club and maybe get a spot at 1 30 in the morning I did that for two years And when I finally broke in and I moved to new york and I was getting three four five sets a night 100 bucks a spot and I get invited to a cousin's wedding in long island Not even a thought

Not even an option. I'm so fucking excited to do those shows. It's everything. It's sexual It's physical. It's mental. It's creative. It's this inflow of Energy and acceptance from the crowd that you've never had before and you're doing it In the most romantic city in the world You're in fucking new york city On the pavement hailing cabs to get across down to run in do a set get out grab a bagel And a light and sweet coffee from a deli go down to the village walk past fucking homeless people and street musicians So you can duck into the basement of a club pull out your piece of paper before you go on

Do your new shit at the end of the night you got fucking 600 bucks cash in your pocket and you're at a friend's couch Knocking at the door fucking two in the morning. Hey guys Hey, how was your night? It was great. I fucking did six shows. I want to hear every detail They think it's the most fascinating thing That or sit at a table With a friend of the bride and make small talk. Oh come on This goes back to Yeah, no, no, I was in the main room and I said

I have to be honest with you people you know, it's like uh People who don't have kids really don't understand until you have a kid You know Then you get it. I still remember Ralphie telling me I can't meet you till I have to stay home with the kids and be like What are you talking about? You Ralphie may fuck you kids

I regret that so much now. Yeah, because I'm so the opposite. Let me tell you something I'm telling you Lee and the people in fucking podcastville In reality when I was 20 If you really think I gave a fuck boy, were you wrong?

At 56 with a child I really don't give a fuck Like I really don't give a fuck It's so weird and that's why we started this conversation off with the You know why Don't I want to have a go to the friars club? Is it insecurity? Is it that I don't belong there?

like I don't know like whenever I see like pictures of the old comedians What's that fucking guy's name? That was an analyze that that played the gangster. He's an old-time guy. He was also in casino He tells the old guy if Bobby slayton. No Bobby slayton was in casino. Was it? No. He was the old guy that told Alan king. Oh, yeah, yeah, right Alan king always hangs out the friars. He looks like a friars guy. He was the dean

Right. He looked like yeah every time I see him. He's got like that I don't know. It just has And I'm not insulting you in any way. Greg. This is how I feel. It just It just wouldn't be a place that I'd fit in. I don't know why but I know that going in. It's like this weed Cafe, yeah, I don't fit in there But alan king when my dad died after being a member of the friars club for fucking 30 years that place Wept for him alan king did the memorial for my dad. He hosted it. He got up and he cried

Talking about my dad who's beautiful and all so what did your dad do? He was a radio guy. No, yeah, he was from Boston, New York He was a bronx guy spent his entire life living in New York and he did uh, I must listen to him Yeah, I'm sure you did. He was he was sinatra. He played sinatra, tony bennett victimone the fucking Aretha franklin. What station was it? W. N. E. W. Oh, please. Yeah And W. N. E. W. played rock. Well, there's FM and am he was on am okay the FM side FM side was What was the girl's name? Oh, she's still around. Uh meg meg griffin

She had like that. Oh, thank the voice allison steel the night the night bird allison steel she was best friends with uh uh, what's her name from um Jefferson airplane grace slick That was her best friend. The two of them were fucking the rock and roll kings in new york queens in new york And she was she was just that's the night out allison steel You know, like I heard all those like the only place Like people always ask stupid questions on facebook like what's the left piece?

Would you want to get high with none of them? Um, you know, no, wait, who do you want to get high with? No, no, like this people Don't you want to get high with snoop dog? Oh, yeah Don't you want to get high with dj khalid? Oh, yeah, it's on my bucket list The fuck I don't want to get high with nobody. All right. I'm gonna fuck along but I wish I could have a conversation with like jackie gleason You know, like that that's the end of regular bar. Yeah, I don't need to belong to some fucking organization

You know, I am like, I'm one of those guys. I just The other day I took my daughter to swimming Right here in no, oh We have a saturday class we go to And before I got there my wife called me. She goes, you know, there's no parking I like what do you mean? There's no parking. I pulled in And there was a parking when I parked right in as I'm getting out of the car Some little mexicans. Excuse me. Excuse me. You know me. I played deaf. I don't stop for nobody. I just keep walking

I know that I gave up. Yeah, he just let me park there You know, I'm not the one he's yelling. You just keep walking like you own the joint I walked into the why I don't think his ice paperwork is up to date So he couldn't go into the why with me. Yeah, he's not gonna dig in No, he couldn't dig in so please uh So, uh So what's that have to do with that? I sit down and

My wife goes there's nobody on my wife is like the queen of panic. There's no parking anywhere. I'd say I'm parked right there Yeah, she goes, well the valet who gets a fuck about the valet Why do you fucking buy into this shit? And the guy behind who goes oh, yeah, because it's next to the mason's Oh, so she goes the guy goes to the Illuminati's having a meeting so they rented out both parking lots. You know what? Those people over there could suck my dick one night Me and we a stone to the gills with our friend One of Lee's great friends gay guy. It was hilarious. Oh the one you met with boys ahoy. Oh, yeah, right, right. Eric. Yeah

He's around the podcast. Okay, so We'll we'll drive down 711 street whatever that that going uh, we're just going to do some we're going to eat pizza We're going to do something We're coming from the ice house and we're driving and they're all out there the mason's And there's a bunch of tortures And they're standing out in the front like saluting each other whatever the Nazi thing is And all of a sudden I beeped over and I go

Vote for me Vote for me And they all were like And the best part is he turned around and did it again I had to make a U-turn And there's standing up there like oh, yeah, I love this french souffle And I'm like beep beep go fuck yourselves you cock sucker They had him on the walking talkies. I was tormenting them we were hollering

I almost crashed the car behind so much because white people cannot handle that shit When you beep I still remember being 18 and being in the car with my best friend, Roger Okay, and he had a christland new yorker 1982 brand new And we would cruise in the afternoon and he was the king of beeping and saying shit to people At the bus stop, huh? You hot cock sucker. Yeah. No, I'll blow next time get immigration. He'd take off

He'd just say thanks to people. All right. I'll never forget one day We were driving, you know also when your car stops Like a car in front of you stops and now it's like doing like eight everybody was doing 60 Now you're doing it. It's because a family was leaving and they were getting in the car And another family was waving to them Like they're like, okay. Yeah, good luck. I'll never forget Roger pulling up the family on beeping fuck you There was kids grandma

They were all waving and my friend's like fuck you you motherfucker Oh These kids just an agent of chaos. Oh my god, I love seeing people walk real tight I see you walk on like a shimmy tonight when you head down I'll beep at you and say something and you gotta see The best is when he gets me high and then he's on the on the highway beeping at people Oh It's hysterical

On the 134. Yeah, that's not a lot of smart people on 134. Now if you had it that way, you're pretty stupid. Fuck. Yeah One way or another you know what I'm saying you failed to get on the 101 of the 405 405 is like the hip people one on one. They're the hip people. That's why they're in traffic Yeah, they got time to burn if you're on the 134 you're in retard bill you're going up by usc They got to pay their kids to get into the school Liv's one retired all of a sudden because that's just going to go down There's no bigger fucking payola school in usc. Oh, yeah, Hollywood. Oh, yeah, not just payola, but that but the Legacy, you know, if your parent went all of a sudden you get in automatically. What the fuck is that all about?

How how how do I get knocked out? I worked my ass off in high school I joined the fucking model un club and I went to fucking tokyo to debate global warming with a bunch of kids from around the world No, I'm just saying like if I'm that kid if I wasted my fucking weekend So I could go and pretend I'm in the un so I get credit towards college Get fucking straight a's not even a's anymore. You got to get a 4.3 There's no more 4.0 now. It's like because when you take an ap class you get extra points and my kid, uh I'm doing a kind of do the joke. I'm doing on stage about it Okay, can I do a joke? What do you want? Who am I?

So my kid just my kid just got into college and uh You know, I was actually kind of surprised because he's not Not that bright of a kid. He had all d's and c's really low sat scores So we had to hire one of those fancy hollywood college placement Centers 175 thousand dollars But he got in the usc. He's on the rowing team Which is exciting because he's never rowed before and we just told him his indian name is uh him row slow

It never works, but I fucking love it. I do it every night I think you you had me there for a minute. I thought you did pay an enrichment center 175 thousand dollars. I listen If you come to me with that scam I'm dropping my daughter routes You get the job because 175 to get you into college. It's not worth the fight. I can it's really not now There was just this article. We actually hired this This woman she works with a lot of kids that uh, my kid went to uh,

Santa Monica high school big big public high school very diverse and so They actually look for kids from that school because they want they actually want diversity of states and they want specifically kids that can handle like that kind of uh community So we hire this woman to cost two grand and she went out and she knows every fucking school in the country She knows which ones have good professors good programs The ones that's right They they give your kid an assessment test figure out what his strengths are help them find a major Locate schools that that are that are a good value for the money and that are giving money to kids

Just because they're from certain types of schools so We worked with her for six months. She she gave us a list of schools Flew them out me and him would take these fucking weekends boston one weekend Chicago one weekend new york one weekend philly one weekend having a blast. He's got fake idea I'm taking them to bars We'd go to whatever the college bar was for that college because I said I want you to see what it's gonna what your nightlife's gonna be like So we go in me and him at a college bar fucking 53 year old ball guy

Standing around while kids are doing jello shots and my son is just taking it all in talking to some girls feeling it out That's what we did every fucking weekend for like for like a month. It was great And uh, so we found this school in chicago. He's going to de paul university biggest catholic school in the country de paul de paul Yeah, great basketball program. Yeah, they won the they they were in the finals the nca is one year Division one school Right, that's what they were called. That's right. Yeah So he's got this school and they gave him a fucking chunk of money and it's not an expensive school, but it's a great school

And uh, he's loving life. He's fucking living it up. He's up there. He's got his roommates or uh, he's got three roommates They're all african-american Half the floor is gay He's on a gay floor for whatever reason they put him on that and he's hanging out with these gay kids every night till Three o'clock in the morning. They're watching fucking movie marathons or playing board games And then you know, he goes out to boy's town, which is the gay area chicago I go, what'd you do last night? He goes Yeah, I was out to I was out in boy's town until four in the morning. I go, are you gonna dance on the dark side sun

He's like, I don't know dad I like I don't know So he's gonna he's getting a good education. He's living it up And you have a daughter also. Yeah, she's 16. Okay. So now you have to go through this shit. Yeah the year and a half Right, right, right. So welcome to it all over again. Yep Yeah, this is this is what it's all about. Yeah, the final stages and I really applaud you because You've pulled it off While doing your craft right a lot of people say fucking i'm just gonna raise my family not do this shit

You played the card the right way and I commend you for it. Thanks, man. You looked around you you saw Kids forgotten comics from years ago and how fucked up they are, you know, when you talk to comics kids Or they tell you there's something missing there And I didn't want that from my daughter at all either. I told her yesterday in the car there was a little problem yesterday at the at the self-defense school some little girl said something to One of the teachers and I asked my daughter what she says was she said a bad word like, you know I don't need this

I could be anywhere. I could be in a dodger game But I could be on the road making money, but I work my schedule The way I do is spend time with you you know We lose money guys like you and I Just spend time. Oh, yeah. Yeah for halloween today. Somebody's call me. We need your october 31st Nope, never work on halloween. Just cancel it. Nope I'm doing the david spade show on the 30th up. Oh nice. 1 30. Yeah. Yeah. I'm back over the hill by 4 30

Stopping Joe's pizza. You know what I'm saying? It's right. They shoot in hollywood. So that shit. I don't mind But I'm not doing that. No, no, no halloween halloween valentine's day christmas. Thanksgiving Easter school concerts mother's day father's day mother's day father's day I look at the year before I put them all on dates Right and I ship them to the age and I go don't book on that dates. There's no office. Don't even worry about But they want you to that day won't tell them it's gonna have to be a different day Mother's day. Yeah, it's father's day. I chose this one. I could go on the road every fucking weekend like a like an animal But you know what?

I'd much rather Her know who the fuck I am. Yeah. Yeah, you're a good dad. You spent a lot of quality time with her Hey, listen, I'm gonna leave here now go run some errands and I'm back here doing a podcast science podcast with her You're doing a what I do a science podcast with her with who my daughter. No Yeah, we I don't put them up because It's fucking bad But it's just her talking about science on the microphone. Yeah, I put the earphones on no shit I make believe she's on cbs. That's fucking great. She's on the espn

That's great. How old is she now? Oh my god We go back to meet her and her mother watching on the phone and mother downloads it And we oh my god You think kids watched it? Yeah, how many views two million? Wow So she thinks she's she thinks she's a fucking mbc She's like, well, when do I start doing the reads for stamps.com? I started them. So I give it 20 a month Really? Yeah The church or what's happened now. You got to give 10 to your mother for the bank account and you keep that

I love it That's it when you want to see a toy you want. You don't need us. You spend you at your own $10. All right We should know it's like i'm undercutting her Tremendously, but you can't give them everything but you got teaching about how you were down once she's 18. You should you should post those Oh, yeah, well, she'll post them way before that. My wife downloads them. Yeah, they're in the cloud. They're in this they're in that I mean That's You know for years I was under the illusion that it was about money. That's what we spoke about Monday

Money that everything oh if you have a child I'm gonna forget when I had my first child the daughter doesn't talk to me for her third birthday Guess what this fucking idiot did Why? Guess what I bought for our third birthday party and I invited a bunch of white kids to our party Why? 150 dollar paella

We should have parents loved you. Yeah, right. It sounds like a good party three of the parents hated everybody was looking for fish Pizza from dominos right right and little chicken fucking. You don't even know if it's a rat or a mouse or whatever the fuck Yeah, I was in shock Because I was my mom would have these huge birthday parties for me, you know With a band and a piñata and 200 people And I thought it was all they want to do is just your time. Mm-hmm. That's all they want They don't know anything about money. I think of the men cheese whatever they get yogurt That's like most expensive date with it last night after karate we went to yum yum donuts

I get the brand muffin because I'm an old man. I got a shit blood And she gets the blue donut with sprinkles and we watched descendants three And then I gotta fucking give her a kiss tell her good night I'm going down to the store to rip into some fucking assholes like a savage It's like being the mafia. I eat dinner with her. She prays and she doesn't know in two hours I'm gonna be at the store talking about eating my wife's asshole and how I don't get fucking the flu Because I eat my wife's asshole. That's my fucking life. Welcome to my fucking world You got any dates coming up? Oh, yeah, you kidding me? Oh, he's going into the fucking notebook

He's working the fucking scroll. Let me tell you something. You want to if you want to check them out You go to fitsdog.com for tickets. I'm working Oh, my favorite club in the country, San Francisco punchline almost went out of business, but they're back November 8th through the And I'm sorry the 7th through the 9th Then I'm going to be going out to the kc improv November 15 through 17

Then I'll be at the den for comedy works downtown November 21 through 23 Then I'm going to be hitting the uh great great great. Just give them two or three days since tonight We think they're sitting there with a feather Philly Cincinnati, it's all on fitsdog.com man. You got a heavy schedule. Yeah the fall and well, I don't work in the summer That's right summer. I got the kids. They're out of school I got you know clubs where people don't show up because they'd rather be at the fucking beach And you walk in there in the room's three quarter full and no one looks at you like we can't draw last week

Yeah, right, but it's rodeo week right right right now. I don't do this Uriah heap is playing at the state fair. Yeah, no Now I'm at movie night with my kids. We're on the beach taking little weekend trips That's the summer. I'm upset that I gotta leave this weekend, but not really. I'm going to Kansas City on friday to the uptown theater And saturday night. I will be at the paramount theater in Denver. We added a second show 9 30 Uh, we got a few tickets left there a few tickets left in Kansas City I'm excited. I'm gonna eat some green chili on saturday. Oh, yeah

That's what I go to colorado for my grandmother fucking chili. Where do I get it? Uh, sam's number four. What's this number? It's right next to the club sam's number three or sam's number three Next to the den for comedy works. Yeah, no shit. Nice bowl of green chili. It's really good. We're two tortillas. Stop it Stop and open for breakfast and they open for breakfast. You get a little two eggs baking with potatoes with toast You're fucking sad. I don't want toast. Give me a bowl of green chili too And you have that little green chili for breakfast. You dick is nice and spicy. It's good. Keep the bowels moving with that Oh, you take a shit smoke comes out of it. You know what I'm saying? There's a little smoke. Looks like grandpa's basement Fuck it

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Uptown motherfucking theater Friday night eight o'clock the paramount theater seven o'clock is sold out 9 30 tickets are available. All right. See you Tuesday morning. I love you. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Please Kick this motherfucking mule Little something for irish Oh Amps in the trunk and I got more bombs in this cup set of junkies don't extract show enough I got pop from the kids on the hill with my mom and my pops. I came to get down. I came to get down So get down to see and jump around jump around

Jump around jump around Jump up jump up and get down I'll serve your ass like John Mackinac with your girl steps up. I'm snacking the home word to your arms I came to drop bombs. I got more rhymes and the bottle's got Psalms and just like the radical sun I've returned anyone stepping on me. You'll get burned because I got clerics, but you ain't got none If you come your battle with a shotgun, but if you don't you're a fool because I do to the death trying to step to me You take a last breath. I got the skill come get your pill because when I shoot the gift I shoot the kill I came to get down. I came to get down. So get out your seat and jump around jump around

Jump around Jump around Jump up jump up and get down I'm the cream of the crop I rise to the top I never eat a pig because a pig is a cop. I better yet a terminator Like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to play me out like is it my name was Saga But I ain't going out like no park, bitch Get used to one style here when I might switch it up up and around

Then buck buck get down put out your head and then you wake up in the door and it's dead I'm coming to get you. I'm coming to get you spitting out lyrics. Hold me. I want you. I came to get down I came to get down. So get out your seat and jump around jump around Jump around jump around Jump up jump up and get down The best CHICOTA grab the foreside