Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #728 - Rick Ingraham

Episode Date: October 16, 2019

Rick Ingraham, a stand up comedian and the co host of "The Comedy Store Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you. Check them out at www.policygenius.com   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble.

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Wednesday Thursday morning whatever the fuck you want Where's Dean Delray? Me Are you fucking kidding me or what they fucking rock you don't come out with none We're fucking this is like the back of fire of the Batman's car when he pulls up Flames that come on that jet engine. You start with the jet engine. I like that we're getting them a pleasure to have Oh, thanks for having me on man deserve to be on this podcast for a long time. It's been you. I appreciate it And here we are you're shooting your first special for all things comedy on Friday

Yeah, Thursday night Thursday night. Yeah a little blessing from Alan fucking the king of comedy Bill Burr Yeah, they're they're helping me out. They're really good people. They are man. They're doing great things We also in comedy came back from your city. Yeah, great city when I was a Q 39 Great barbecue like I was telling you before the show Nothing bothers me when somebody thinks they're smart or they're swarming And they talk to you about how they go into the prance or Bali or some shit. Yeah, that's all great We'll go to Kansas City first You know, I think if I was president of the United States, there'd be a 30 state requirement before you were able to leave

The United States to check out you have to visit your country We have to offer you go dropping your money over there with those coffee bastards My my mom went to Europe for the she'd left America for the first time ever this last summer She went with my sister to go watch the women's soccer games in France, whatever And my dad did not go because he said now there's there's still too much in America. I want to see So he's he's full-blooded American with me. I think that's the biggest blessing That I've gotten from comedy that I've gotten to see what We're really about as American people. Yeah, you know, I know when I see you when I see these people around my neighborhood that

Raised their kids a certain way than two weeks later. I'm in Kansas City, St. Louis, you know Yeah, I'm in a part of the country real America And you see how people act how people, you know, these people don't take care of themselves You know, you see the difference. Yeah, there's people whose ankles look like they're about to die like thought, you know, but They're nice people who warms. Yeah, it's real nice to go to breakfast and to look at your tab and it's $7 and 87 cents Yeah, and you look like you're robbing the joint you looking around at cameras Yeah, but since they got you there must have messed up, right? You walked out on a $22 tab, but and you look at it. You see two eggs bacon home fries. Yeah a toast

Coffee included, right, you know, take a cup to go. Yeah, you know, you're like, wow, I live in LA Well, this is $22 at eat. Yeah, you get that $45 brunch. Yeah, or you're like, it's literally just kale and egg whites Yeah, no, you see what America who's still holding it down. You see you don't pay The tax bracket we we were discussing this two days ago the tax brackets that we pay So it's pretty interesting. It's also interesting to see how Kansas City is a comedy town But there's still they were chiefs people at the airport With full chief regalia on Thursday night like the employees. Yeah Then Friday when I went to Q 39 and I walked around the city. I saw more fucking red shirts red Friday red Friday

Yeah, man this and you like if they act like this on a Friday What are these savages act like on a fucking Sunday? Yeah, they're out of control tremendous a couple years ago when they won the World Series I saw how emotional you were and I looked into it was the last time they won Yeah, 30 years. I still remember everybody used to hit great home runs at the old Kansas City With a water fountain. We still got it. Well, that's still the stadium They just they just rebuilt it instead of when I was a kid every time somebody hit a good home run It was at that fucking stadium. Yeah, like Pete Rose played there Johnny Bench played there Yeah, and that would that stadium has still a lot of fucking history

Yeah, and the Royals and the Yankees were like rivals 70s and 80s. Yeah, so it's the American League West versus American League East I know not everyone likes sports. You know, you don't have to like sports But like I still get choked up like there's a guy on the Celtics now named taco who's they're going crazy Like when they go crazy like I remember for that Kansas City World Series there was a guy from like Japan or China or something the Korean he was a Korean Korean They flew him in and yeah He just let he fell in love with the team and the city fell in love with him like When when like that's how I know I like the city like when like the stadium is full at the beginning and it's full at the end

Yeah, like small stuff like that I don't do that. You're not when the Dodgers when they hit the Grand Slam you can see people I hate that there are yellow seats all throughout Dodger Stadium. You can see people leaving and that's a style It's like when you do a UFC in Vegas. Yeah, it's the last fight You think those two seats next to your empty you tell your buddies come down and you'll see some guy come in for The last fight right go do that same UFC fight in the prelims. It's back that prelim time, right? Those people paid two hundred ninety eight dollars. They get every minute. That's Yeah, you know I'm saying they get every minute that's coming to the middle of middle America

They don't fuck around sports, you know, because that's that's what they have to do tax all week. That's yeah I mean, it's just I love it. I love this time of the year. I love to see the college You know, I'm not I don't know who's playing when yeah, I just know that if I sit down and I see two teams I go, oh shit. It's an old rivalry, you know, right? I'll stay whatever Colorado, Nebraska that's that's the country man. Yeah, if you can get people talking shit. I'm in I'm in yeah Speaking of talking shit, I Torture leave for eating lizard meat all the time. I think I actually mouse meat last night So you know me I talk about my successes

Limited and I speak about my failures on this podcast But I have an excuse like when we used to go get the lizard meat over at the taco place. He had been warned Okay, he had been warned repeatedly and he by you by that kept going back He kept going back his father ended up in the hospital never been the same again Doesn't matter if Lee's eating at it. They got lizard meat fucking Lee There's a Cuban thing called Boca Litos They're tremendous. You need a thousand of them. Of course. It's this fucking thing They make like ham spread on white bread and they cut the edges off and they're all triangles and they cut them in half

When you go to a Cuban birthday party, they got tables full of them and they have like little olives and that's like a Pimento Okay, and you start eating them when you're high and you just can't stop and the next thing you just shit fucking seeds From all the Pimento's you know those little red shoes that covered around your shit So I told my wife around this there's a web page. There's a Facebook page Called all things Cuban and they had a recipe for it. So I sent it to my wife And I know it includes the devil ham Does anybody know what I'm very nervous? Exactly. That's how fucking you don't even want to know it sounds authentic The devil ham was big in the 70s. It was a spread that you just put on bread

And you ate it and it really tastes like Vienna sausages Crushed them But god knows it was crushed in like that's why I don't like hummus because everybody thinks it's just got bundles I don't know. It's ice is sperm And it's like fucking A rabbi a lot of a lot of yeah, yeah, like you don't know what else goes in Some of that hair is duck butter from the show. Yeah, you eat that hummus and go this doesn't taste the same no because there's no ice It's so just wet. That's

That's what they're trying to do again to your DNA So they try to radicalize you so the next thing, you know, you're fucking kneeling fucking praying at lunchtime, you know I'm saying but seen it a thousand times so last night about six o'clock. It's london night. I'm off I pop 300 milligrams of those capsules. I'm solo I'm watching the washington saturday is whatever National just kicked the fuck out of st. Louis. Yeah, and finally my daughter goes to bed My wife goes to bed. It's 9 15 What a great time to write

At 11 o'clock son's anarchy comes on it gives me an hour 45 to take care of little just little things I wanted to write out a joke and whatever. Oh my god About 10 30 the hunger they just fucking stopped I opened up with a banana. Okay. I'm on weight watch. It's helping to put a banana. No biggie Still hungry open up with an apple Oh, not doing not doing it now. I got a protein ball I Filled me up for a little while, but it just wasn't cotton and I needed something disgusting

pizza I need the tool to sandwich. Yeah, I need something so I go on the cabinet That's some substance. My wife doesn't get no more co-cuts. We're on a no-co cut fucking thing for like the last eight months I'm more salami Salami was my savior at night before sons anarchy little salami little american cheese on white bread Must nobody gets that feeling sir. There's nothing There's fucking hot dogs. I don't know how to use the stove. It's one of those new eight stoves So I look at the cabinet and the cabinet behold

She actually went and bought the recipe for that thing There was that fucking devil damn Took it out popped it open Just spread it on white bread And as I was eating it the first two bites were marijuana based Like you know But by the time I got to the third bite It started tasting weird that tasted rodents

and eyeballs Vienna sausage, they had a little bit of Vienna sausage just a little bit next to it. Yeah, but everything else is just bad Yeah, I took the can away. I threw the fucking bread away And I made toast and I went to bed And my grandpa used to refer to mystery things like that is it's It's nothing but lips and assholes. That's all yeah, and they give it to you in prison mental institutions And if you're on the white trash side of life, you go home and there's devil Wow, man, we got the fancy stuff without kool-aid devil ham and potato chips

We're going deep into the murky water not eating spam tonight dog six a.m. My eyes just open I swear to god my eyes just opened the fire guts And it felt like it was concrete So I walked over first and tried to get coffee to really open it up. I knew I had an apple and a banana in there So I knew I was safe. That's when you're covered. You got a right Little little apple is there to fucking open up the asshole I drank a coffee couldn't even finish the coffee. I run to the bathroom And it was one of those 20 minute bricks to come out. Oh, yeah

But once the brick came out it was like pop. I was like a Like a fucking demolition derby and then I got up and it started squirting like I started squirting I had to squirt 15 minutes I did another express so get that little baby rat foot. Sure. Maybe it was like a claw that got caught Yeah, a little talent hooked in there. So wait, how much did you eat? Like how many scoops three bites? That's it. Oh my god the fuck I've half the can It was like I just made a thin sandwich just to test the ground. We're talking like bubonic plague rat meat I mean, this is fucking nasty guys. I get destroyed my internal systems the devil cancel my nine o'clock boxing class

I had to cancel my not because I kept playing it out. Let me see how I feel at 10 Right at 10. I was feeling then I started puking When I had a shit the first time I puked breakfast and I go, that's it I canceled my 11 o'clock doctors and I fucking went and laid down Because you that's that's how I tested it if something doesn't taste good when you're high That's how you know, it's not like it's not. Yeah, that's that's what I should have labeled just It's it's something that you brought from your childhood. Yeah that does not work anymore Well, your body the problem. They probably don't make it anymore. So it was probably a jar from your childhood

It probably is. No, they still make it. They still make it. It's big. It's big because you added the dishes right white people A lot of white people midwest. Yeah That it makes them feel cultured when you go to prison you eat that shit once a week All right You could order that from the commissary gods of devil's hammer the night Put it on a fuck is it like the stuff you get at cvs and it's like I think I might have seen that. I didn't know it was a spread White hand with a devil on it with a little devil on it. That's how you know, but where the devil

That devil got in to me this morning like the exorcist. I'm surprised my head didn't space He was trying to tear through his fucking christ my I was It was bad. I went to sleep about 10 45. I got up at 12 30 exactly jumped in the shower Shaved got out had some chicken soup made it by one two two two buckets Yeah, I'm surprised they didn't get a call from you today. I was like, no, I wonder what's going on. He must be busy No, yeah, I was out cold He was busy surviving it sounds like I got a big day. Yeah, I got spots at the store. I got there

This is the last day. You really want to fucking get sick. So yeah So thursday night, huh thursday night one hour. Yep gonna do an hour and uh Yeah, I mean it's just it's hard for me to get to opportunities to do extended time, especially in l.a. So I kind of been talking to you know, brenton over at all things comedy about trying to work something out and He uh hit me up a couple weeks ago. I was like, hey, you know, we got this date at the comedy store Would you want to do it then? and uh, I said sure so gonna get a couple cameras and

and just uh try and catch some of that magic because You know the comedy stores I mean, it's it's an incredible lineup. Did you start did you start in kansas city? Yeah, I did come on stage Yeah, I did. I did open mic in kansas city for like two years when I was in college at stanford and suns in uh down to west port in kansas city um the late craig lasers comedy club back then and uh You know as we like I started chris porter was

Doing the open mics back then there a guy named mike baldwin my buddy john schiezer pretty much the same See the same people dustin kaufman the guy who now owns the comedy club in kansas city And uh, but it's like I could get up once maybe twice a week And I you know, I was I wanted to be on saturday night live back then so I did impressions and shit like that and uh Always had my plan though, you know, I wanted to move to new york or l.a As soon as I was old enough to get into the clubs

So I was just kind of wasting time in college until I turned 21 and once I turned 21 started making the the plan to move and um You know lucked into a situation where my my girlfriend at the time Cheated on me and that really motivated me to get the fuck out as well. So Um things just kind of fell into place and moved out here I actually came out for a weekend over christmas the year before I moved out Um comic named freeze love

Yeah, he uh Some some sort of a friend of a friend Told me to go down to the comedy store and meet this guy named freeze love and he would show me around the comedy clubs or whatever So I went down there. I was only 20 couldn't get in the club Kind of was hanging out on the patio freeze showed up talked to me for a little bit He said well, let's go in. I said, yeah, they won't let me in he said You're with me now. It's cool walk by the back door guy Guy said, yeah, he doesn't have an id and freeze said yeah, he doesn't need one

We just walked right past them. They let me in performed to the belly room. I was hooked. I'm like, oh, this is oh, you did perform Yeah, they let me perform. I did like seven minutes at the end of a show up there like right around midnight or something 10 people and uh Never even went to new york. I was so enamored by los angeles and End of december and it was like 75 degrees and i'm just loving it got to perform and uh moved out Uh, uh, end of the end of the following summer

Came out I was still 21 Uh Started working the door. I did open mics comedy store the laugh factory all that bullshit was this uh 2002 okay, so uh You know, I do the sit outside all day waiting to do the open mics and Uh, rent is easy and elinor asked me if I wanted a job there and uh Started working the door there and I was working the door there

What a great six nights a week and I was my all-time favorite door staff. Yeah, there's yeah, it was a good crew Auri. Yeah, skippy simon rent is easy cap Cap yeah, cap. Yeah Duncan was a talent down Duncan was a talent coordinator Duncan when I got passed when mitzi passed me I it was a complete fluke. It was I'd worked the door there for maybe four months I had like maybe five minutes of okay material But mitzi just saw something and was like oh, you're a regular

but I was I was showcasing to keep my job as a doorman so I didn't even think like hey I might become a paid regular tonight and Duncan was sitting with her because Duncan's talent coordinator So Duncan comes down. Hey, man. He did great, man. It's who wants you to be a regular And I and knowing Duncan. I'm just like god damn it. Duncan's fucking with me it's how I truthfully didn't Think it was real at all like at no point was I like this might be legit. It's just like

Still fucking with the new guy. So And he's like, yeah calling your avails tomorrow. I'm like, all right, man And then the next day the comedy store called me and they said, yeah, you're gonna put in your avails. I was like This is real And then Duncan was like, why'd you think I was fucking with you? I go because you're Duncan You're Duncan Trussell. Why wouldn't I think you were fucking with me? And then mitzi gave me a spot immediately opening the show and then just bombed so hard for

Eight people or whatever the first night Was she in the room? No, no, no one was there. Yeah, thank god Yeah, I just remember I did my my five minutes and then Then I'm just trying to throw shit at the wall and As soon as that light came on I was so excited just to bring up Argus and not have to perform anymore Then are you oh, wow? You know, we bring up a lot of young pups here at the club and you know, I tried to smooth things over basically being like

you know, he's a kid give him give him some Slack at that time he had seen it all Yeah, yeah at that time he had seen it all like and I talked to him a bunch because you know, I was a door guy so You know, he'd get there 15 minutes for a set and tell us old stories and stuff so he uh He covered for me and then mitzi would just give me Opening spots for the first year or so

And then a couple times she was there. She'd watch me. It was nerve-wracking, but She'll always be splashing when you bomb and she'd watch it. Oh I'm done. I'm done. I might as well move. You got in your car. Yeah, I better look around because this is the last time Yeah, I couldn't even do that. I had to go back to the back door I still live by that code even though she's gone. Yeah Like if I could down there and I have bad night. I'm like, she knows sucking at him's not gonna call me back Yeah, even though there's no chance, but it's just it's such a psychological beating Yeah, that we'd give ourselves when she was around on Saturday nights

It used to just destroy like the first three or two months I'd pray to god Yeah, I'm gonna go see fat baby. No, you don't want to go see. Yeah, that's a I remember that I remember being like, who's fat, baby? And they'd be like because they would be on the lineup and she'd like she'd put you last sometimes Who the fuck is fat, baby? That's what she wants Joey Diaz to go by You just go up and destroy his fat baby and nobody knew my name Wait, she wanted you to go by I thought that was just turning in for you. She wanted you to go by that

It was on the lineup. It was on the one fat, baby Oh, no Because I posted an old lineup a couple months ago and the first thing people know is like, well, who's that baby? I'm like, that's what Mitzi That's what she called Joey Diaz Would they make you bring like coming up next to the stage fat baby? No. Okay. Thank god. The comics film is joe But if mitzi was there then you had to do it mitzi won And I even saw him once go up in the giant diaper

Me? Yeah. Did I? Yeah, no shirt on and uh I mean literally destroyed the room And in a time when people weren't destroying a room because comedy was in a very grave situation And like the mid aughts Early 2000s. It was 2000 to 2003 People are not looking to laugh. They were not they were not going to the store. No one was there And it was post 9 11. So everyone was just like, yeah, I don't know things aren't good

But it was it was tough times I got to even pre 9 11 was funny in that place just robbing up a vie on sundays So good just robbing up a vie on sundays people have to understand that That's one of those comedy store specific things that People who've been around like actually been around get because I remember robbing williams coming in one night He was doing press for rv And this was He was there like two nights in a five month period of time one was my 25th birthday

Where I just got hammered with them and then the next day people were like, you know, he was sober, right? I was like, oh, fuck and you drank one. I drank smoked. I mean we got fucking hammered And you get down and I was like, this is the most wasted. I've been in 30 years. I'm like, cool, man I'm not thinking anything of it the next night down bears like I was telling jimmy kimmel about you guys last night and You know, he said robin's been in You know, he's been sober for decades. I'm like, oh No one told me no one said anything. I just thought we were having fun And then he came back a couple months later and uh, you know, I said look dude, I'm sorry

I didn't know he's on I needed to get it out my system when I'm back being sober and blah blah blah I'm like, all right, and I truly felt bad but same time. I'm like that was awesome. Yeah But he comes back and he's hanging out and it's late night and robert william at provide goes on stage and robin's down and by the main room and he walks down the hall and he looks and he goes Holy fuck That guy is still here I go, yeah, and he goes, I feel like I just saw a ghost. I can't I can't believe that this is still a thing

Just like 30 years of being a paranoid schizophrenic Doing the same johnny karson style psychopath though comedy said about marijuana and Oh putt putt look putt look wouldn't he put his finger on there his nose He would do that down barris because he was a nut because don's a nazi skippy simon was a nazi Uh, there was a lot of rambling about how because robert William at provide believed he was supposed to take over the tonight show for johnny karson

And so when j. Leno took over He felt that it was because j is part of a nazi conspiracy against him Of course And so he he will ramble about how j. Leno is evil and mavis his wife mavis is evil And he looked but he wouldn't say j. Leno because that would be evil. So he always referred to him as lemon jello And I'm not about to go watch lemon jello perform the tonight show And I would just sit in the front row and laugh at everything he said That was my role in the mayhem was to be his biggest fan

And then don barris at some point would be like you think that guy's funny Okay, he's my favorite comic. He'll show you favorite comic and don would come down Physically pick me up and at that point I weighed about a buck 45 And he would pick me up over like up to his shoulders and just heath me at robert apriviah And I'd just go flailing and robert Nazi Nazi attack Nazi attack And he always called me eric no matter how many times I told him my name was rick I'm really sorry about that eric. He would lock himself in the bathroom. He'd have in that corner. Yeah, and that kept him

Same same outfit every day same outfit stuffed shoes. Yeah green green corduroy suit The same outfit trash bags. I never smelled them. Oh, it was rancid rancid But I know the night that I was out of town They looked the bathroom on fire to get him out. Yeah, and I got the call from quarry Saying what did you like robert apriviah on fire? I go. I'm in miami. Yeah, I'm not there Who the fuck would do something like this? I go. Why would you think I would? It's gotta be joey. Yeah, it's gotta be joey. I wouldn't like I didn't even Something like a robert. It's how I knew he was crazy. Yeah, and by the time robert came in I was doing coke

Yeah, so he was starting to creep me out Understandably. Yeah, but it's funny the The story I'm gonna tell you now. It's gonna explain a lot of things to you I have a lot of respect for the dorm in there. Yeah more than some of the comics in some situations. Yeah Because you wanted that bad Right, you're there watching mark warren's come in Eddie griffer and joe rogan, you know all these names At that time. Yeah. Yeah, that's those those are the we were doing dice and those guys were the

Because I had the door on sundays She would let me work the door on sunday and host Okay, and then I would host the second part of the thing and then I would give down barista The late late do these and I disappeared and got a package of coke But that was you guys were young Yeah, one of my best nights there and you know, I understand a lot by the story I walk in one night And a kid by the name of johnny cap rule comes up and he's working the door

But he's working the back door and he's watching the comics And he says to me I want to know how to get more spots in here And I'd watched him during the open mic. I'm like, this is a funny fucking kid. Yeah, I go So I decided to go into joey dears mode I go John, I don't know if you know this You got a grease dunk Uh

I only make eight dollars on that time. She's paying shift. I got 25 a shift a shift nine hour shift 25 bucks. Yeah, he goes. I'm getting shift work. I need those 15 dollars. Yeah Oh So this one out for like two or three nights, right come back to me. So how do I give it to him? I said just don't come Be a check So I call dunking that date how dunking what's going on And I go tonight come down with campus down with straight the man on the 15 dollar rule And I'll never forget him. He was a kid. Yeah, he was a sweet

Sweet kid and he was like joey So what do I have to do first? I go first off. You have to give him something like a token of his appreciation Going full godfather of 50 And he looked at me like he was like, yeah, I'm not to call my mother Mary like that's how young you guys. Yeah Like that's how and I'm fucking dying and I come to dunking. Kepparillo's working at the golf course at the time make extra money. Yeah And dunking came over I go dunking telling the rules breaking down from And he goes, yeah, you want spots? I go get all your 15 dollars

And since Diaz brought you in Diaz gets five dollars. So And at first you could tell he was not happy with it. Yeah, that's my ho ho. And he was like, okay, and looks like I'm gonna have to Fuck you That's how much I loved that kid. Yeah, he was a kid. Yeah, Ari was a kid Yeah, I still remember being on a fucking hailstorm and getting a call in the original room box In those days people run out and go joey, you got a call. Yeah original. You go like, what?

There's no cell phones and I'm the fucking cell phone. Yeah, I had a pager Yeah, I remember getting on that call and it was like Austin texas had a fall out on sunday night And I had called her one night margie out of the blue and said, can I get it? And she called me and she goes, can you Come to austin be there tuesday night and i'm like Tuesday night, I got like minus 18 in the back account. All right, mitzvi's checked on friday And I think I called right from the college store. I went to that remember when the back phone was in the kitchen

Yeah, yeah, that back from the adult nine you get long distance and she'll right You can make long distance call from there and then they started saying somebody keeps making long distance calls from the bar Yeah, it was me Yo, we used to do it from the phone room from the phone room, too Because that was the I went that called whoever you're gonna call like one 800. Hi nine four one one Delta the number one 800 two two two and then you could easily be connected for an extra additional 20 cents Yeah I got to get to austin and they gave me like it was this is

Plain tickets were all 200 right it was 200 to go everywhere and I remember go arie was a dawn man But he was booking commercials. Yeah And I go arie I need 200 hours and arie gave to me goes. I'm never gonna see this And I go, I promise you you're gonna see this at that time me and arie were friends. Yeah, not brothers, right friends And I remember before I left I got a sack check Like a residual I couldn't wait to see him that too is that I go easy too alone. He's like I wrote it off And ever since then we've become friends. That's how we became friends. I remember uh back then they didn't have weed stores everywhere So you still had to like get weed from people

And so I worked at this shitty restaurant manhattan beach But I just knew a bunch of stoner south bay kids who grew pot And so one of them grew this white widow. I was just crazy good And I would bring it up to the store and smoke everyone out And I smoked joey out one night and he was just like that shit is fucking crazy. I'm like, yeah And you're like, you got to get me some of that. I'm like, all right so I worked at the restaurant the next day brought some up for you and uh I remember you were like

you said, uh I didn't bring money, but can I get you next time I see you and I'm like, all right Didn't think anything of it And I'd already at that point like wheels had fucked me over before and mike rick uh and some other guys I just remember being like, uh You know, I want these guys to like me. So It's cool, whatever and I didn't see you for like eight months But you would call me like every couple months you'd be like, hey, I'm gonna be at the store

And are you there and I'd be like now I'm on the road of paulie and you'd be like, all right. Well, I got you still I remember being like this guy really gonna still give me that money Yeah, and I almost it was almost a year. It's probably like nine or ten months before I saw you I went on the road. Yeah, you're on the road too. I went on I ate a bag of dick at the improv one night And it just cracked me like here. I was it's okay if me to bomb at the county store, right home But the bomb away. Yeah And the other side of hollywood. I bombed them between nick de paolo and doug stanhope Well, yeah, I was a regular killer. So I didn't deserve to be at the store

She was just right bringing me along me. I thought I could be due spots at the improv I get sandwiched in between two killers. Yeah, and I just went on uh, I went on In fact, one of the two I went on two long one was like nine months. Yeah, and then I was just thinking about this The one I started when I because I was away for new year's 2000 Okay, that's gonna be 20 years ago, right started with a belly room show That's the first time I ever told stories on stage. So I've been doing comedy about Eight years And I did a belly room show Mitchie kept saying do a belly room show you got finals ahead and whatever the fuck right

I did a belly room show got like 40 people I think I made like a hundred bucks or something like yeah something shitty 80 bucks or something, right? But I spent it all on blow And somebody snuck a bottle of tequila and we were crazy. Yeah, you know, and we just went outside and God, I am at afterward and the next day I think I I would start with like I would fly into like buffalo And just do a weekend buffalo for Yoda go with Toronto, right? This is pre 9 11. Yeah. Yeah, that will let me into Toronto

Right to a couple one night is for yuck yucks come back And then go city to city Buffalo Rockchester Syracuse, right New Jersey northern New Jersey real touring DC. Yeah, but featuring an mc Yeah, just banging it out 300 one week 150 one week you're going week to week. Nobody knows nothing. This is and some of the weeks I had There were weeks that went there two weeks open and I just knew something would happen, right? I would end up somewhere that sunday night at the club somebody's gonna say hey, what are you gonna do next? Well I'm looking for a spot. I'm looking for a spot. Well, I got a one night around Tuesday and my buddy one's on friday

If you want to sleep on my couch, you could and there you go. Boom, right? You're gonna pick up 300 and you know So I went out just going out. It's something I went out in the world joey d is Yeah, there's no tours that yeah, you had anchors Yeah, and while you were out you were hoping Yeah, and not premiere clubs half the shows or just fucking bars and coffee house Mormons do not use curse words, right? You don't even know that Mormons till you get there You're working on a new bit of sticking your dick up your wife's ass without her knowing And you get there and there's a fucking Mormon note

There's a Mormons tonight. Yeah, you cannot use any R rated material and just made you switch it up Yeah, what did you learn all those early years at the store? I mean you learned from every facet you do. Yeah, you learned Things to do what not to do. Yeah you From watching comics both good and bad you learn what you should never do What is a good path to take? My problem early on and I would do okay. I always did okay You know, I'd bomb some nights and I would do great some nights, but most time I was just doing okay then

I I was doing what a lot of young comics do which is I was I was almost imitating The comics I really liked so I wasn't writing jokes from my perspective It would be like I would be doing a bit and looking back now. I'm like, you know what? I still think that bit would have been funny if I was Sebastian but Being me

I I'm nothing like Sebastian and so it just comes off differently and would never work as me But I wasn't writing from my perspective. I'm watching Sebastian crush every night and going I need to write jokes like that and so then working at the store and Doing those late night spots and doing even when I had got opening spots or whatever I never got good spots. So that's out of the question But I just I was learning It took me two or three years of learning just to be myself on stage

You know, not what I thought I should be Just actually be who I am people would always go you're so much funnier offstage And so it took me a long time to think about Bobby. Yeah. Oh drives me mad drives me crazy And I know people were doing the same shit to you because you're just such a funny person like in a conversation where you're like How do I translate it? And it just took it it took bombing a lot to learn to finally be me And then once I was me then it was you know

At that point I started doing a lot of crowd work because it I just felt like such a fraud doing the same jokes every night And once I started doing crowd work it really started kind of Opening up my ability to To do while I started having more sets where I was kind of crushing And there's more and more comedians started hating me for doing it that I'm the type of person that I kind of get a kick out of pissing people off. So it was like Oh, this this is what I want to do So then for years, that's all I was doing. It was just doing crowd work

And I you know was convincing myself. Well, you know, someone will let me do Comedy central with this kind of thing And then it took another five years before I'm like, oh, no one no one's ever gonna let me do that on comedy central Because they want to know every word you're gonna say to start writing jokes again Getting back into doing some material, but I still I'm very heavy With crowd work because I feel like that's that's my specialty. Yeah, that's what I'm good at and it's it's not just Talking to people and you know making fun of them all that some of it

But talking to people inspires random stupid funny things in my brain that You know kind of become bits, I guess And it's just it's kind of developed into How comedy works most authentically for me So you look very organic up there doing it. Yeah, which is the number one thing when you do comedy. Yeah Is you want it to be as organic as it could be? You know that takes years to learn. Yeah, what is organic for those words to naturally come out of you When you see Doug Stanhope say that word

You try to mimic that word. It's not naturally coming out of you. It's a funny word. There's words of the funny Yeah But uh That process that you learned at the store I picked up a bad habit in New York when I went to New York in 93 everybody spoke to the audience That I used to go up there would I would take a 30 minute gig Knowing I had eight minutes of material Counting on 22 minutes of hey, how you doing? Where you from right?

Like I'm pretty good at it. Yeah, I got pretty good at a 30 a comedy 40 a comedy. I was still writing But that was my go-to Was improvising and then by the time I went to Seattle, I was really doing it Right. I was fucking making a living of it, but I knew two things. It was 50 50 Right. It was either going to destroy or it was going to be a long night Right, then I got that light at this comedy store. It didn't take me like two years to find my voice at the store I'm lucky that she stuck it out with me for two years As a comic you go through a lot of shit

Like that going from a road feature to becoming a comedy store regular There's a lot of mysticism that goes through your head, right? So the first thing they tell you is not to talk to the audience Well, okay And then it's like you have this You know, you're not supposed to talk to the audience, but you do it and I kept doing that at the store I kept going through all these phases of tonight I'm going to say a bit and let them pause before I go into the next one. Like I did experimental shit Sure. I two years it caused bombing

Experimental in the comedy world means bombing. Yeah, don't ever get those words confused Yeah, well the scientist is doing an experiment. He's doing it for something positive When the comedian is experimenting That's the equivalent of I'm saying we're gonna go bomb. Oh, yeah I'm gonna be experimenting with some things unless you got a cat a lab codon You either suck and dick or you're bombing my family world. Yeah, and that was the thing that I wanted my percentages to get higher so little by little I went away from talking to the audience And that time in jersey when I was already a regular

I was already a regular And I was doing analyze that and I took the week in jersey for a film I called the guy and told him i'm shooting this movie. So right away he wanted to hire me Sure, and he made me a feature for a headliner And that was the big that was if that was 202 if I think analyze that came out in 203 Yeah, I was still doing the thing But now I was doing that the story Which is making me fucking deadly. Oh, yeah craft is home. Rito started coming in. Yeah

And he was very good at that But venny favorito really wasn't improvising. He was pre-right. No, it was all set. Yeah. Yeah. It's like don rickles style using it Pre but that's the gift. Yeah. Yeah to make it seem like it's happening today. Yeah What the first time you go see venny favorito the next night you're like Oh He's doing it word for word. That's not fucking improvising you bum. Charles Fleischer would do that too. Yes Charles Fleischer would do that like my first time watching my holy fuck This dude is quick and the second night. I'm like, wait a goddamn second. Wow, and it hurts you. Yeah

Like it hurts your feelings. Like if you go see your favorite comic bomb, that's one thing Yeah, but to see your favorite bombic your comic Do you think you've like been duped that yeah You're like, I want my $20 this guy fucking lied to me. I saw the line on the pigeon Yeah, saying when it flew away. Well as a young comic who I don't really do any crowd work it it seems like such a risk to do all crowd work because

I mean I do Bits for weeks and months before I tried out a real show and for you to just say what's on top of your head at a real show for the first time Like I used to 50 50 to me it's even like 25 70 Like there's such a big risk of it bombing that I would like I don't even want to take that risk So to to hear that like you're just completely going up there cold Is it amazing? Explain to him that improvising is a something you choose. Yes improvising is something that one night

You realize you're in a jam. Yeah You're in a jam. You do it. Yeah, you definitely are doing it. You know You're you're teaching yourself to swim. You're you're drowning, but it's uh You know, it's one of those it's one of those things where it's truly You either have the mind and it's gonna work Or you don't like I've had so many comics tell me like dude anyone could do crowd work and blah blah blah and I go All right, I've never seen you do crowd work. They go I can do it And then they go up and they do like two minutes of bombing doing crowd work

And they just go straight back to the material and they're like, yeah, I see it just wasn't working I'm like, yeah, it's because because you can't do it But I don't I'm not gonna say who it was. I don't even remember the guy's name But I saw one guy do like 25 minutes of Possibly like the worst crowd working it it hurts as an audience. Yeah, because he it would so I had to give you a compliment. I started going to the store before I even met joey and When I would see you on the on the lineup, I loved it

But I would also be like, okay, I'm missing the back a little bit because because he's fucking because you're good Yeah, and then I don't know how many years ago you didn't stop but you you didn't do it as you didn't do as much I was kind of was like sad. I was like, oh, yeah, I missed I missed the crowd work Yeah, that's what a lot of people would tell me when I started because there was a couple years where I was just trying to do material And it was fine because now I'm more sure of who I am. So my material is more Authentically me I guess but People would be like, yeah, I just you know, it was nice because I'm at the store all the time

You see the comics doing the same bits, but it was cool because I knew at least you would be different Right, and I'd be like, yeah but it just It I it truly makes me feel better When I am going up there Free-minded just like this is what I want to do You know, I'm like not having it all planned out like it. I feel more accomplished doing a set of almost all crowd work than I do

material not that I think doing material is bad because I do like doing that as well now, but it's you know I've watched so many people Bomb doing it. There's a guy a door guy remember jimmy pidd. Yes Love jimmy pidd chicago chicago. Nice kid. Nice kid. Super funny offstage. Great kid. Great kid. He's still contacting me Yeah, I didn't talk to him this time. He lives in florida now. I think that's yeah He was in buffalo for a while and I live in florida

I remember watching him do crowd work one night in the or and all the comics in the back just dying but it just There's just nothing to it There's no substance to his crowd work. He'd be like, yeah, where are you from? Someone be like, uh new orleans new orleans ain't never been there And then that was the end of it world. It's like What that's your reference? Is that you've never been there?

But it would it Literally was destroying all the comics in the back all of us just losing our shit laughing in the crowd just like what the fuck is going on Have you ever thought of something? so quickly That was your words Insights almost break Yeah, that you're like you walk off there and I'll never forget being on the store and dying and improvising. Yeah

And just looking at something going where you're from and then going dead mark and me going I did a book report on you once And the audience went crazy and I went crazy. I'm like, how do I even forget that? Yeah, like no, how do I remember? I still sixth grade. I did a book report on Denmark Yeah, I don't get the encyclopedia rip the pages. Yeah staple them and take them home. Yeah But no, it's uh, that's just brain association though. And that's you know, that's one of those things like just saying a grown man You especially saying that you did a book report on something is fucking hysterical And it's the truth. It was the truth and and you're just saying the lineup there because that's what you're thinking like Denmark

I don't know shit about you other than the fucking book report, but you saying that it's fucking hysterical That's an experience. Hold on one second. I gotta ask you some more questions. Yeah And now for a word from our sponsors. Listen the church of what's happened now is sponsored to you by policy genius Halloween is right around the corner But you the thing that really scares uncle joey Shopping for life insurance. I hate this shit But getting life insurance doesn't need to be difficult or expensive Right now prices are the lowest they've been in 20 years. That's where policy genius comes in

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This is toba take the scariness out of buying life insurance. You need it head to policy genius dot com Today and compare quotes and apply in minutes. You can do the whole thing on your phone right now five minutes Policy genius the way to buy life insurance Get it at policy genius dot com and tell them uncle joey sent you Stay black another issue. I want to be about was There's three guys at the store But I knew and this is why I did what I did early on There's three guys at the store that if you looked at on paper

They were not going to do well on the road And that she you You know I had Intensive extensive conversations with him. Yeah about road work and people people try to take him on the road Yeah, and it was just Do I I I did uh riddles in chicago once and uh You know, I said the guy who owned it and booked it Would come to the comedy store and hang out. Just love comedy. Yeah, brand brand. He's done that. Yeah, he's out

He's got it out and checks. Yeah He uh, he said, uh, you know, I brought so-and-so and so-and-so and they were great And uh, you know, I love brian holtman. So I brought him out and uh, the crowd just hated him He said it was just brutal. It's so bad That's just outside and so it was so bad that holtman was just begging. I'm not I'm not performing tomorrow He was like, oh, come on. Just tell me, you know, you can do the feature. I'm not performing here. Forget it he said holtman Bob I'm so bad the two shows on friday night that

I think he eventually did it but brand essentially had to be like convinced and like dude just Just come tomorrow. It'll be fine And I think he had a feature instead of headline to switch the feature in the headliner But chicago was just not down with brian holtman ready. Yeah, and they That you know, you've had some problems on the road Yeah, and my first couple years on the road, you know I had tons of people telling me not to call back really

We enjoyed you for the weekend, but you're not really our cup of tea, right? We got a lot of complaints, you know Yeah, and then it went from so then I became a regular at the store and I started trimming off the fat Right, you learn from watching other guys that are at your level. That's what's really important at the store That yeah, you guys listen to you the class that you were with this You know and just because You were a dog guy, you know, you had brent with you that walked in with you and sebastian. Yeah It was a hell of a class. It really was. Yeah. Yeah was one of the most one of the best classes that were walking there Yeah, it was great. And I was like the fresh yeah

Yeah, like you you guys meshed with us right away. We were like 10 years older, but yeah It was the best class like that rick ramo was right the guy that got really chubby Uh jason luke. Oh jason jalu. Yeah jalo, you know, this is family. Yeah richie rich. They're richie taylor Richie taylor what the funniest man to never do comedy dog, you know richie taylor was the shit on sundays Yeah sundays was a different night up there. It was getting your dick going deep night And doing eight ball on sundays at the store. You were fucking up. You weren't doing it, right?

Like people were fucking getting fucked up Yeah, I still remember being out there four in the morning with eddie griffin Talking about a thousand samurai has killed bruce lee, but one of them touched him And in the rain and he died and i'm right. Oh my god. This is the reason I snore coke I mean, yeah eddie was always there till That reasoning was why when I bombed after nick de palo and stanhope that night I just took off And those first those

I did the The first tour it slipped my memory. It was like nine months. Yeah stayed out there And then the tour of 2000 started The First week in november It went all the way till april. I stayed out of LA completely Wow, so I would even know I had a couch at josh wilts house Right, I just disappeared every six weeks. I'd send clothes home

I'd go to a new walmart and get a couple new shirts I'd send cds home get new batteries for the dvd player And I just had gray hound will travel. Wow No car hound in it. No credit card There was no atm card. Right. It was cash Huff a notebook a pen And have couch will travel Right, and I knew that if I came back before that I wouldn't stay at the store. I had to be

So I took what I learned at the store You know on the road you can expand it expand on it And then when you come back to LA you cut it back down, right? All of a sudden you lose 20 minutes You can't do that joke about the pika no more So I got to write that off. Yeah all these jokes that you picked up in nine months on the road. Sure It's it was a real experience for me. And that's why I think I Dough until rogan started taking me out that cemented me with people right until then I was really going out to get beat up Yeah, until from from 91

2001 or two I was going on the road to get beat up like I stayed in rooms that the glass was broken Right at alaska, you know, we stayed in the back room of a A band room. Yeah with beds and come on the beds And I did it the snow was coming through the fuck a window. I did I wonder if it's the same place because I did Oh, yeah, no, I did a place called the shed and They just put you in a

little condo above the bar and I was there I think it was february and the the window in the living room was shattered So it was just like negative 10 degrees air In the living room of the condo. I just remember being like yeah, did you the window's broken? Like yeah, it's been broken since like september. I'm like Why would we And so I just remember like in the the bedroom

I'd close the door and then I'd stuff the towel on the door so the cold air wouldn't blow in And then I just had every blanket and the condo on me just dying like is this worth it? Oh my god, uh kipsy new york had a bananas And they just hated the comic so they would put you downstairs It's you know, the windows will come with snow. Yeah The windows will come you can't even see it on there all day freezing to give you 30% off at the restaurant You didn't want to eat their food. It was so bad. And there was an extra gas station. That was your life. Jesus You left monday you either ate at the restaurant

Or you ate at the gas station. There was like indian people and they would give you those hindu eggs, right? With the curry dust on them, you know, yeah You're waking up with a fucking hangover from the night before and also you gotta eat these curried fucking eggs. Fuck you I'll just eat Cheetos the fucking gas station with a hot dog. Yeah, and that shit didn't look too good One of the worst weeks ever was the old canter city club Sanford and sons when it was a block away from my hooters. Yeah a gas station Yeah How's hooters breakfast?

Breakfast at the hotel and that was it was continental It was yogurt a banana a little box cereal. Maybe yeah a little box of cereal There was no eggs then. Yeah, there was no toast and there was no muffins then that free breakfast. No So you lived on you stole like 10 bananas. Yeah, and you brought them up to the room and hopefully The headliner if you went to the radio with him, he'd stop somewhere And that's you got like CVS or yeah, you got like, you know bottle of waters or fucking You know, it was you know, you're living on five miles a week and the plane ticket comes out of that, right? That's your toughest period of your life. Yeah

That's why I say you got to do 15 of those Yeah, gotta do 15 of those on your room to really grow to really grow make sure you want it It's not how to get a hundred a set time five, you know, yeah, Tom Segura said something months ago. He goes, I can't believe Comedy clubs are still paying a hundred a set to feature. Yeah, so I'm paying a hundred a set and they cut out the hotel. Yeah That's why I can't like it's not worth it for me to feature anymore Because I can make I do if I do main room Friday and Saturday at the comedy store I'll make about six hundred bucks five to six hundred bucks And I don't have to fly anywhere go anywhere and if I someone wants me to come feature in

Indianapolis to see, you know, well, we need to see you. It's like I'm gonna end up spending money I got to pay for child care Like it's just it's endless. I'm gonna lose money to go do it. So the feature world has been The chief the feature world was never really a great world to be in Yeah, especially when you get into the Midwest with some of the bookers that just do one night But the feature world is just to improve Yeah to go to different cities to learn the different cultures time. Yeah, you know, you go into deeper holds Yeah, or I wouldn't go at this level right now. Sure you go with the deeper holes like you go into

Billings Montana, right the other one in Montana where you know, I'm thinking about going to billings next year because I used to go there Well, nobody goes to billings. Yeah, let's have a thousand fucking comedy fans that are ready. Yeah, Montana is fun It's a little back country, but it's fun. It's fun. They were doing 150 miles an hour till a couple years Yeah, they're not going to get offended by jokes, which is beautiful. No, no, they're waiting for somebody to come up there Yeah, you look up Montana. There's really no comedy room. No, I guarantee it's whatever triple Yeah, there's no population to Keep something like I I guarantee you could draw there, but There would never be a club that could just you know

Book you and then have three weeks of guys who weren't known Because there wouldn't be a crowd to go do it But all those cities are small and they're looking for something to do on a Friday night very true Even the one they opened up in alabama, then they opened up a club in alabama. Yeah, zany's open one He's open it's uh right over it's right over it's four hours in Tennessee. Yeah, and it was great It's the same I got a same company that has one in arizona, right and right. Yeah with levity. Yeah, it's great It's a great room. Yeah, philly He brings cheesesteaks and you know, hilarious eyes

Uh, but even those clubs I've always admired those clubs because They're starting from scratch. They're providing something. Yeah, it's very easy to open up a club in Atlanta But then you got to go hand to hand combat six other clubs. Yeah, you open up something where nobody else is Well, you're the only fucking thing. Yeah, it's gonna take you six minutes to establish yourself Yeah, especially if you open up in june Right like montana, utah Uh, you know, there's cities that you're not gonna draw during the summer. Buffalo. Everyone's gonna be out Buffalo every august he goes in his pocket. He loses every august. Yeah

The club in alaska that I performed at didn't do shows at all during the summer Yeah, because you know, they get 20 hours a daylight during the summer So everyone is outside the whole time and then during the winter they get two hours a day of sunlight So people are ready to laugh because you can't go outside There's a negative 30 degrees when I landed and I just remember being like what the fuck am I doing here What was the date you walked into the store? um It would have been beginning of october of

2002 I had lived in la for four days the first time I did open mic the comedy store And uh, it took me about two months to get a job And then I started working right right before new year's 2002 And uh, I worked there for two and a half years until Paulie fired me while I was on the road with Paulie So I didn't get a door shift covered. He called me on like, uh

On tuesday said dude, we're going to charlotte bro. I go, oh, all right So yeah, right. It's easy book to commercial dude. You got to go with me. I went, all right, cool I got my thursday shift covered. I got my saturday shift covered But no one would cover my friday shifts. I'm like, all right told dean. No one will do it See if you can find someone Didn't think anything of it What charlotte did shows thursday night things are great. It shows friday night things are great Saturday afternoon meet paulie for lunch. He's like, dude, you didn't get your door shift covered. I go, yeah, no one would do it

I told dean sorry, dude Fired me on the road and I'm like, oh that sucks. And then the other part of me was like I worked nine hours a night for 25 dollars. I I don't think this is a loss necessarily I was already established at the store. So I was going to get my times. Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, all right, whatever That's cool I started working another random shit jobs when I was in town and stuff but

And then paulie still took me on the road with him for another year probably before I got good enough that he had to fire me classic classic Headline or move I guess so you've been going in and out of that dump in 17 years. Yeah When I say dump, I say it like it's a beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. It's a beautiful place. You become a man in there Absolutely. You have a family now. You have a wife and a child. Yeah, my wife had the comedy store. Are you happy that you chose this path? Absolutely. There's anything else I would rather be doing starting for you. Were you reaching to be an engineer? I mean, I could tell you another stupid You're from good stock. I mean, yeah, looking to do it first

Honestly growing up I wanted to You know, I guess I was like a lot of kids. I wanted to be an athlete But I was always tiny By the time I was in high school. It was very apparent. I was never going to Play basketball or baseball the things I loved Um, I was a distance runner not a lot of money in distance running. So Um, I went to college for film school That's how you know, I'm gonna go to college. Yeah. I went first year. I went to a small arts college called college of Santa Fe in New Mexico

and uh Just was kind of shady. It's so shady Like ryan mervis went there Annie letterman went there It's so shady that it's the only college I've ever heard of that closed Like they just straight closed the college Maybe 10 years ago. Yes. It's not working So they closed it and then they reopened it under a different name and then

They had it went bankrupt again and they miraculously burned to the ground. But Uh, went there for a year made some friends the guy whose couch I slept on when I first moved to la was a guy I met Freshman year college at college of Santa Fe And uh, then I transferred to k u Went to k u for Lawrence. Yeah up in Lawrence. Look at you fucking loving it. Look at your baseline in that Oh, dude, so hot Hot hot hot Tons of drugs

totally into it and uh Like people always say do you have a lot of friends Lawrence? I got you know what? I knew 18 drug dealers and I probably had five friends, but you know, I was always calling somebody Yeah, I definitely had a good time and uh, I started doing comedy when I was at k u and I was doing like I said when I was 21. I was out. You never finished never finished told my parents, you know I'm really saved the money. Don't worry about nothing. Yeah I just said I don't know what the point of doing this is when we get a film degree from k u and then move to la It's worth the same as nothing

So it's not like someone's gonna be like you graduated from university of Kansas film school come direct a movie It's just like they had no connections There was I was literally getting nothing out of it. I went to film school there for two years I never saw a camera It was basically just film history. I had to take 10 000 classes about We're gonna show you citizen kane today. Notice the lighting. How impressive is the lighting? I don't give a fuck about citizen kane Show me a fucking goddamn movie that would inspire anybody today

But look they did a zoom Can you imagine the zoom? This was groundbreaking. I'm like, yeah, but that was 70 years ago Who gives a fuck about the first time someone zoomed a lens? Teach me how to make a fucking movie Well, if you make it to senior year, you might get into classes. I was like, I might get into classes I'm not waiting around for this shit. It's crazy that if you just come out here at 18 Yeah, get a job as an a d. Yeah, you'll move up faster by the time you're fucking 21 You'll have somebody teaching you the business. It's that guaranteed people. I'm telling you if you got half a heartbeat

Yeah, if you really won't don't say that you I've always wanted to shoot movies and come out here and they make you Do a cable and you fucking choke. Yeah, I'm talking if you're ready and willing to shoot movies You just come out here. You get a job. I know people who've done it. Yeah 20 people. That's that's the easiest route Yeah, that's the easiest you start they teach you all over again. Anyways, they teach you all over again Anyway, before you waste that 80,000 hang out with your buddies in Manhattan and shoot short films Listen, I know a thousand people who shoot short films. You know what they end up in the short toilet You know, I've shot 20 short films. I can't tell you where they all been I saw a kid on facebook the other day

That I I love daily, but he's retarded because god made him Yeah, well, especially comedy wise. Yeah, and he's always shooting these movies And it's like why do you keep posting on facebook? Yeah, no, he took a picture with the chick That the movie was shot in vegas and you could tell the chick had sucked 80 dicks, but she just got out of rehab to shoot this film. Yeah, and she wasn't in a drug rehab She was a sperm rehab. Sure how to get it out of your stomach You get to see it They put a tight dress on and she had rolls and she had lumps and I'm like, uh, all those movies

You're just wasting your time. You know, they want to watch them 2007 to 2010 I would get a request to do it. I was weak Yeah, and I would say buy me we'll make it easy for you We'll shoot it close to your house. Listen. It's not even warranted. Yeah, because well, what's what are you gonna do with it? Yeah, my cousin's sister's boyfriend works for and that Netflix and she said if we bring them this in six weeks, then when you do it, do you bring it to them? They quit They went over the tnn. They're not even working. Whatever no more. So now you got this stupid thing I know a thousand people conservatively. Yeah between short films

Specials films that they remortgaged their homes for Yeah, you don't know what you're doing. It never ends. Yeah I used to get a lot of people about yeah, we're gonna do this short film And I got so what's the deal? Well, we're gonna try and enter it into some festivals Okay, and then the other thing I noticed like I knew some people who made short films that they used basically to try and You know sell an idea to a studio or whatever it was And so then I'd have friends were like, yeah, I got this small part in the short and you know, they're pitching it to so and so And then they make it and it's kind of crappy about what, you know, it looks nice

I guess they used to write equipment and then they pitch it to whatever Studio they were selling it for and they buy it for a little bit of money And any extra money they have they used to hire people who are not the people who made the short film Yes, so you basically just gave someone else a break and to be listen the the adage is this This is it and write it down if you want because it works The first time shame on you second time

shame on me I did 20 of them. I did them for The experience behind the camera. Yeah struggling comic Montreal didn't want me couldn't find an agent the only way I could get it is through the back door Yeah, that's still where I am. So it's funny that I'm not doing it. I did one That was very mobby that was that had foxed Uh You know fox has different divisions. Yeah, and fox

I mean fucking great food Red bulls on the set, you know, yeah, uh red camera. I mean these people spent money on the short film Which was an idea that Fox had picked up and they were gonna sell it and then they felt that the Movie the idea for tv Was a bit rough. It was too gay gangsters Okay, but they were wrong. Yeah, it would have worked with the the headquarters was a pink pussy cat on On the Santa Monica bar. We had a movie theater and you know

And there was a great idea all the way through and won the gay film festival. I was like Fuck yeah They still play it on the gay network What's the logo logo they still play at people help me if I just saw you on logo. Oh my god You know, I did that one then I did another one that While I was shooting it. I heard whimpers and a friend of mine that They were negotiating that script for a bigger studio The director was unsettled. So he wanted to shoot it

Immediately, right with the making a low budget, which a lot of people didn't get paid, which I was one of those people He sold the movie They did it and they did exactly what you you know, I mean these people gonna pay me a hundred a day and they were like Hi, uh, we're starting rehearsal on monday the 18th. I'm like Rehearsal for what what is this? Oklahoma? Yeah, but I didn't sign up for a play rehearsal. Yeah, no rehearsals for a hundred dollars a day Yeah, I went back and forth for eight hours. Yeah, like popular rehearse for a hundred a day When I did spider-man 2 they paid me scale. There was no rehearsing. Yeah, so you want to rehearse you come down to my house And I'll do the rehearsals. I'll read line with you. They were furious

And I mean it was it was a horrible lingo. Yeah, a fucking monkey could do it. Yeah You didn't need no fucking acting classes And I remember I went back and forth to them like listen. I've been here 10 11 12 years a lot of rehearsals Yeah, sure enough. I did the movie We did did the film from screening that I go I don't want to go But I bumped into the three other mobsters one day at an audition. We were all there for commercial Yeah Did they call you and I'm like, no, they didn't call none of us

I go, what'd you expect? Look at the director. He was a scumbag. Yeah, he was out of ufc film school We thought he was fucking johnny bananas. Yeah, I just checked on him about three years ago. That was it, man Yeah, he was done. That was it. He went he went from I was I'm gonna be quentin tarantino That's crazy. He's worked living in a fucking one bedroom. That's crazy granada hills How you quit your dream after that much commitment? Yeah, I looked at it was 2009 Yeah, disappeared after 2009 Did that one to the studio film must have fucked it up with the studio Yeah, and then they they all talk so once you really fuck someone over

So how excited are you for tomorrow night? I'm excited, man, you know Like I said, I just wanted to be able to do an extended set here for a long time and Film it have something put out so I can hopefully start building somewhat of a fan base and how was your baby now? She's three little beautiful beautiful little bastard I see the pictures that you put up and did she so we taught her I taught her my name because I think it's important You know if they get lost or whatever be able to say mommy daddy's name whatever so I she knows my name and The other day she comes in I'm cooking her dinner

You know I cook and do all that stuff for and she comes in she goes dad I need my muppet baby off the shelf. I go all right. I'll get it for you in a second. I'm cooking this give me two minutes She goes fine Take a few steps back stands in the kitchen just staring at me disappointed Just sitting there and then she goes rick Get the muppet baby off the shelf I go. Whoa. Whoa. We don't you don't call me rick. She goes. That's your name It is but you you call me daddy. I'm daddy

Fine Just attitude. I'm like, where did this come from? Yeah, she's in preschool. There's another girl named julia. So She broke something. I think at preschool and blamed the other julia She said no, it wasn't me. It was the other julia Got away with it. And so then at home she started She was standing on one of her toys or breaking or something like get off that you're gonna break it. She goes I didn't do it. It was the other julia. I go doesn't julia isn't here. It was you. It was you. No, it wasn't me Just wouldn't give up the lie. You gotta love it. I'm like, yeah, you're not gonna you're learning life quick city girl

Where are you living? I live out of Calabasas. Really? Yeah, okay. You like it up there? Love it. It's nice You like to drive it's a bit of a drive. How many nights you come down the start out? Um, like three or four So can you believe you've gone this? Can you believe you and I are here 17 years later having this conversation? Uh, it's it's kind of what I used to look like you like he's not he's not gonna make it That baby that baby will not when I first met you my days were numbered Yeah, no, my skin was green and should I just saw another picture? Yeah, I remember one night

I was standing up in the front patio with Duncan trestle and You walked up pour and sweat and you go And you guys do coke Duncan goes I do And you go you got to take this. I can't if I if I hold onto this I'm gonna do it all and you hand dunk in a bag Duncan's like thanks and then you walk away. I'm just like, whoa, and then Duncan's like, all right. I'm out of here. I guess Duncan just disappeared with a bag of well was my drug buddy in those days. Whatever I had that I didn't want

I was dying. Yeah heroine Move the loop pills. Just give it to Duncan. Duncan was like Mikey on the life commercial. Yeah I don't want to eat you either you eat the Mikey make you eat it. Fuck. Yeah Oh, he was he took it immediately. I do I'm like, well, are we no I guess don't get taken in. Okay What time tomorrow night? Um, it's uh 10 30 on thursday 10 30 main room main room thursday Yep, I'll I richard prior on sunset. That's right. No pressure biggest names. I gotta live up to that hype Um, but yeah, should be good. Hopefully people will come out

It's good to know that you're having a hard time. I might take you out with me a couple weeks and fuck around and Go talk to my people go torment people on the road. Yeah High-powered fucking savage like yourself. Yeah, I don't I'm terrible at all of the business side So, you know, I've never had a manager or an agent or anything I've always just been flying solo and you know, fucking up the world the best I can Are you over there at all things comedy? They'll take good care of you those guys are the best comedy managers there are Yeah, they're good. They're the best people in the world those guys. So All right, mother fuckers me. I'll be I got no dates for you. I got dick

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Thursday night the motherfucking comedy store 1030 show all things comedy a lot of people walk around a lot of action Go support this guy. This guy's earning this fucking stripes. He's not some fucking mook that Fucking put a thing up on youtube and now they like him because he's singing arab songs or playing with his cat This motherfucker is the real deal. I love him with all my heart. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me I want to thank you guys for listening I want to thank you guys for the love and for fucking always having a back And don't forget you got the world by the balls. It's up to you. Why fuck around like the rest of these non-gluten motherfuckers Take what's yours. Go get a gun. Whatever you need to do

Fucking eat some ass trick-or-treat. I love you, motherfucker. See you monday morning tip top magoo Take this fucking meal. Lee little ufo Maybe now your time is cold From the back streets No more High in the sky God knows when I'm coming out of my mind If I help those who help themselves

That's the way it goes Right in the thoughts, wants to be taught And now it shows God knows when I'm coming out of my mind If I help those who help themselves That's the way it goes Right in the thoughts, wants to be taught And now it shows

Right in the thoughts, wants to be taught And now it shows Right in the thoughts, wants to be taught And now it shows Right in the thoughts, wants to be taught One touch to the end Better now you know or never Waiting to read tomorrow

Lights on, lights out in the wind One touch to the end God knows when I'm coming out of my mind This fire Again coming There is no end a thousand times under your feet

your ass is growing time has set for fight lights out, lights out in London for the time to chill the end better now you know we'll never wait till tomorrow lights out, lights out in London for the time to chill the end

better now you know we'll never wait till tomorrow lights out, lights out in London lights out, lights out in London lights out, lights out in London