Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #729 - Matt Fulchiron

Episode Date: October 22, 2019

Matt Fulchiron, comedian, host of the "Full Charge Power Hour" and cohost of the NEW "Road Heads" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church

Greetings from PodcastVille. It's so Brock Tobel, motherfuckers. Uncle Joey's still here and slinging dick. The church of what's happening now is brought to you by my bookie. Listen. We're going into the fucking hurricane. We're going into major hurricane money season right now. Basketball starts next fucking week.

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Grab that fucking pen again. ZipRecruiter.com slash church. That's ZipRecruiter.com. I'm going to give it to you for free. That's it. It's Tuesday. You know how I show up. I show up like the three wise men, but it gives.

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It's Uncle Joey. It's the full charge, man. What's up? What's up? And the motherfucking Christ killer coming at you. I want this computer to blow up. Light this shit up. It's Tuesday morning.

You're walking around. You don't feel good. You saw the Yankees lost. Go fuck your mother. Pick it up, bitch. It's Tuesday. What? Get that bun.

Get that syringe. I don't give a fuck what you need. Oh shit. The church of what's happened now. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here coming off a tremendous fucking weekend. I stayed at home with my family. I went to see the Angelina Jolie movie

with the girls on Friday night. Whatever. Malevenant. Maleficent. Maleficent and then two Saturday. I want to give a big thanks to make my hand and hook me up with tremendous tickets and backstage passes.

See Pat Benatar. Nice. Fucking tremendous. Neil Gerardo. 63 still shredding the fucking guitar. It just inspires the shit out of you. That's beautiful, man. Sitting there.

I took 250 milligrams. You know me. Yeah, I know you. I took half his Alex to calm down the horse. Right. Because you just can't walk into a place on 250 milligrams. No. It's impossible.

Yeah. So why not take 100 milligrams? Because why be a half a fact? You know what I'm saying? You're going to see Pat Benatar. You got to respectfully. You're going to take 100 milligrams to go see Pat Benatar. She's not going to want to play for that.

Huh? She's not going to want to play for that if you're only on 100. The whole fucking place. Just shut it down. Let me tell you something. There was, you could smell sperm in that place. Yeah.

And from all the chicks that hit you with their best shot in 1981. Yeah. They were all there. All those hot chicks from 81. Yeah. Were still there selling it. How they hold up. Shaking it.

They're holding up. They're holding up. They lost a finger. Yeah. In the war or something with the hepatitis. They will be invincible. But they're invincible. Yeah.

It was great. It was great. But it taught me humility. It taught me that you really have to love what you do in your life. Yes. I'm sitting in the small theater, Saban Theater. I think I asked my agent today what it sat. He said 1800.

Let's be honest with you. She sold maybe 1400 seats. Okay. There was 400 comps. That was two of them. You know, there was a whole area. She's coming home. You know what, man?

I saw her play the metal bands. She's 66 years old. Yeah. And on her, whatever, she's worth $32 million. So you've got to ask yourself, you're 66 years old. What would make you do a six month light tour? They do a light tour, two, three shows a week for six months. Then they take off.

That's a page from your book. The light tour. The light. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's light. Just to keep alive and just to stay.

This is our art. This is an art. We've got to keep doing it. Last night I went home. That declassified was on CNN. Fucking less than zero. Yeah. County, Junior's best fucking performance.

Yeah. I had met with these kids. Their parents died. I knew their mom. She passed away and they just reached out and wanted to talk to me. Yeah. To come out the lunch of my wife and the father came and, you know, so I was just, it was just a deep day.

I went to the fucking gym. I did a thousand things yesterday. Yeah. And last time I'm sitting there, I don't want to go to a fucking comedy store. I'm going to go to a comedy store for $15 fucking dollars on a Sunday night. I got to go to Laurel Canyon and at nine o'clock I go, who the fuck am I? What am I a fucking? And again, we go back to what you want to do and what needs to be done.

Right. You know, I looked at my Twitter. I saw they put the schedule up. I saw it was just me and Whitney Cummings and Rick Ingram. Yeah. You know, it was going to be a light show. Fucking show was sold out. Nice.

I go, what am I going to do? I'm going to cancel. What's my excuse? Because my knee hurts. I got to something happen to my knee. My knee is bruised. I go, I'm not going to cancel. Fucking Pat Belintar went down there for peanuts yesterday.

It's 66 years old and my husband's 63 and he was up there playing the piano. So it just teaches you humility that it's not always going to be fucking an arena. Yeah. It's not always going to be a theater. But you understood that the reason why you keep doing this because you love this. Yeah. That happened to me recently. I went to a coffee shop gig just to keep sharp on an off week and I saw the audience and

it was like 12 people and I was almost like, fuck this. I'm going home. But then I was like, I'm here. I'm going to feel way worse if I don't go up. I'm going up. I had a great time and a story. I was glad I did it. And you didn't do it for the paycheck.

No way. You didn't do it. That's when you know you're on to something. Yeah. We've been, I've been talking about this on this podcast for a few weeks now since Andrew Schultz came in. Uh huh. Because in LA lately, I haven't seen more and more people.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Right. So it's like, this is how much you have to love this shit. I want to see guns and roses a couple of weeks ago. It was Citibank. That means Citibank gave him eight mil. For eight mil, I'll let you shit in my mouth.

Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like for eight mil right now on the stage, I'll let you shit in my mouth. I'll fucking drink white vinegar for a year. Yeah. And I'll have more bitches than you. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. But I'll be next. Make up the contracts. I either have an island right next to his sharing bitches or the moving them over. Yeah. Like Jeffrey Epstein on a helicopter from island to island. Everybody's sucking dick for Halloween. There's no candy.

You know what I'm saying? We got no candy here. Everybody's sucking dick. You want chocolate? Let me put in your ass first. It's nice and candy coated for you. The fuck. You know, but listen, you know, they got eight million for it.

They did the Palladium. It was a great show. Yeah. I learned a lot. I learned about performance. Axl Rose is great. But then you went to Benatar and you learned about humility. Yeah.

You go out there. Fuck. Some people would say, why are we going to go down there for 14 on the seats? I got a house in Calabasas. She got a butler's. Yeah. You know, the whole thing. But that's when you know, wow, she did this for love.

And then here I was in the same spot last time. Like I fucking Robert Downey Jr. He hasn't even died yet. And I leave. You know what I'm saying? I got to watch this little flag die. Yeah. After they take him to the hotel, they fuck him to death.

Yeah, right. Because I think less than zero is at the end that quailudes. But the beginning of Viagra and some people still had them together. Yeah. And on the way down, I'm thinking about what would have happened to women? They would have been women missing limbs today. Right. If quailudes and Viagra would have been around together.

Not that Cosby would have fucked you all night long. Right. I'm not saying nothing about Cosby. Sure. But just with a broad in general, doing an eight ball, eating quailudes and fucking and sucking. Yeah. When I was 21, that's six bangings.

Right. You know, like, and I didn't come quick then. Like it was like eight minutes. That's 48 minutes of fucking. With Viagra, you're getting a bat put in you. Yeah. For fucking 40 minutes. The next day, you're not walking.

Right. You're blinking. You got fucking PTSD. Right. And you're pussy. Yeah. You're not shit, right? Thank God those drugs didn't overlap.

Yeah. So I couldn't leave until Robert Downey died. Right. And I'm sitting there. People are like, why did Robert Downey die? That's the fucking movie. What are you bothering me for? I was going to say, like, how did Pat Benenton make you think about all this stuff?

Because I was sitting there having a good time at my house last night. It was the Lord's Day. And I got a spot at the store and I'm like, why do I stick my foot in my mouth and commit to this shit? Right. You know, I don't like doing nothing on Sunday. Yeah. But Sundays at the store.

Yeah. There's nobody there to bother you. Nobody. You mean like comics? What do you mean? Everybody. There's nobody there. I took 20 pictures last night.

Mm-hmm. But there was nobody there. Like, I don't have to talk to people. Right. You know, when you go to the store on a Tuesday night, you got to prepare yourself mentally. It's like going to the train station. Me, you went and Philly. You know, there's noises.

Yeah. Bus is leaving for Connecticut. Train is leaving for Australia. Right. Every two minutes. Who books that? Who books that? Who books that?

Yeah, you know. You have to be prepared. Not that it's a pain in the ass to me, but I'm older. Right. When I wake up now in the morning, like, let's say you come in when you bring your girlfriend in. Yeah. This is the first time I meet him.

We get high. We giggle and shit like that. Yeah. I'll think about my night all day. And I don't drink. Right. You know, I feel like I'm eating Kweylood in memory erases. Yeah.

I don't remember until, like, 4 o'clock that fucking man was there last night. Uh-huh. And then I'll call you and go, man. It was good to see you last night. I was about to call you fuck. I ended up getting drunk with Lewis Gomez, you know, whatever the fuck it is. But like for me, I wake up in the mornings and that's how overwhelming it is. It's 1200 people compared to 600 people.

Yeah. Instead of that being nine waitresses, there was three, one bartender, you know, it's just a slower night. The shows are still packed. Yeah. The boat sold out. Main room was sold out. The original room was sold out.

Just it was not that much, you know. Commotion. I talked to Whitney. Yeah. I talked to Dean. I talked to some girl Dean was talking to. I spoke to an English guy. I went on stage.

I came off. I took a couple of pictures. Uh-huh. I brought up Rick Ingram. Uh-huh. And I looked around and there was nobody around. That's awesome. The hallway was completely empty.

I said, let me go. I was on the hill at 10 fucking 30. I go, ain't I happy I fucking followed through instead of fucking canceling. You know, I wasn't fucking happy. So you just learn little things every fucking day, man. That's it. Yeah. That's a lot nicer.

I know what you mean when you go there and there's eight billion people and they want to talk your ear off and nothing against them. It's just one guy after the next guy after the next guy after the next guy gets a little exhausting. I love Lee. Yeah. Lovely to death. I don't even bring him to the store on Tuesdays.

Oh yeah? I got to be responsible for him. I lose him. Right. You know. You get lost in the crowd, Lee. Yeah. There's not a chair for him.

He's fucking sold out. They got no chair for him. He's got to sit in the hallway and then some guy comes up to him that's from Singapore. You, Lee Syed, I see you from podcasts. You eat a lot of edibles. And I know all of a sudden I walk into this. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

So it's very hard to bring people like Tuesdays and I love my friends, but one of my worst nightmares is at eight o'clock in my phone, the ring of phone, one of my friends will say, what time are you leaving for the storm? Like, fuck. I'll be there about nine thirty. We're going to be there with a group of eight from work. Fuck. Cause it's Tuesday night.

There's going to be enough people down there. And usually I get like 10 surprises when I go down. And look at the last two is I went down and there was a kid that I went to third grade with. No, sure. Yeah. And the girl I went to high school with, this is me when I was in the fucking hospital. Yeah.

You know. It's a comedy story. This is what it is. So, enough about the comedy story. What's going on with you brother? I am living in New York and I'm traveling around the world and doing stand up comedy. You miss California? A little bit.

How long have you been gone for? I've been gone for a year and a half. That's it. That's it. It's been like two years. Yeah. But only one winter or this is going to be your third winter. This is going to be kind of my third winter.

I was going back and forth for a while. So you could say almost two years, really. But yeah, I've been there for a while now. I miss the Mexican food. I miss my friends. I don't miss the traffic in LA. But you've created a sign for yourself and I always tell my wife. What's that?

Well, you showed me the gift of travel again. Right. You showed me the gift of the train. Right. And how important. Oh, yeah. What a gift it is. It's great in the Northeast.

I'll never forget when I met you in Providence and he was sitting there like James Bond. Right. I walked him to the hotel. He was sitting there like James Bond, but they're trying to throw him out in the hotel in Providence. Right. The hotel in Providence is going to shake him down. My flight was delayed.

Oh, sure. So I got in late and it was really weird that I go, I'm sorry if I kept you here. I think we ordered food. Something like that. We were eating in the lobby. Yeah, we were eating in the lobby. Yeah. And I said to him, why did you get in?

He goes, I took the train. It was like nothing. I just got off two planes. It's so easy. Because it's right in the middle of the city. I just took a fucking plane. And he goes, I just took a train, got out and walked the block. Yeah, that's it.

It always drops you off right in the city, no matter where you are. It was a block away from the hotel. I'm like, really? Mm-hmm. So this is the advantages of being a comic in New York and getting work. Yeah, the cities are so close together and they're so easy to get to. You know, you don't have to drive if you don't want to. You can take the trains.

Take buses if you want. I'm hearing more and more. What? I've heard it more and more from people who I think are smart. People are telling me that they're not even driving to San Diego no more. Oh, no, I heard the trains great. I've been taking the train for a while. I heard that train.

To San Diego. It's a blast. You Uber. It's beautiful. You Uber to wherever you need to go. Uber back and take the train back. My friend's husband just got a job in fucking Santa Cruz. You know, unemployed for eight months.

Vegas can't be choosy. Yeah. It's a great paying job. He was telling me it was the only sacrifices. I have to get up two days a week at four in the morning and take the train down. He goes, listen to two hours. I'm on the computer. There's Wi-Fi.

Yeah, you're not driving. You're not cursing. You're not sweating. You're not doing nothing. Yeah. So I really enjoy it. Me too. Every single train ride I took with you, that station we were at where I bought the fucking

bubble gum. Hell yeah. The Chick-fil-A. Yeah, dude. The cash out of the ATM. That was DC. Yeah. So I stopped.

I'm like, look at this place. This is like Congress. We're rolling. I also make the loop. And I'm like, we're going to Congress. What are we going to vote for Vito or something? It was the fucking train station. Yeah.

Then the next day, I think I dropped you off at the Philly one. Yeah. Not a homeless person around. And I was scared for his life. Why? Like I'm like, you really want to go to Philly at five in the fucking morning? He's like, yeah, I'll take the bus to the hospital. I'm like, are you fucking retarded?

Because the bus to New York sucks. But the train from Philly to New York is easy. You know what I mean? That's why I went into Philly. There's no train from Atlantic City to New York, unfortunately. So dude, we never talked about this. Remember when we were on the way to the airport and the train station in the limo and it just pulls off on the side of the highway and then our driver gets out to go to talk to the guy

and then everybody gets out of the limo and starts walking towards our limo. Do you remember this? And we were both like, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? We were both going like, this is going to be like, pop, pop, like it was this weird scenario. We were on the side of the road in the highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got stuck or something.

But the guy got in a car and he didn't even say a word to us. He just got in the car. He was wearing pajamas. It was the weirdest fucking thing to happen at five in the morning. Do you remember this? We didn't know what the fuck was going. Yeah, yeah. We didn't know what the fuck was going on.

We were both going, what the fuck, what the fuck? And then he got in and I just said, oh, okay, we're not going to die. And I went back to sleep. I don't know if you remember that or not. I didn't know. No, it's kind of just, you know, you don't, when you're up at five in the fucking morning and you go to bed at 1.30, you're really just walking on a cloud. It's really scary and you don't really know until you're in Detroit airport.

That's the airport that lets you know you're in a twilight zone. You're awake, but not really. They have purple lights that have, when you connect there, there is a walk of death. That is underneath the airport that you better be in shape. It's the walk of death. And they have Nia and that's what you realize. You're in a fucking twilight zone at five in the morning. Yeah, you're awake, but you're not really grasping, even if you drink coffee and whatever.

And that's why I don't do a lot. Like I used to have a bad habit of getting up and calling people. And then I get off the phone and I'd say, fuck, I said a lot of wrong things. I'm not fully awake. Get some coffee in here, write, you know, book, listen to some music, take your shit. Yeah, and then make your calls. Yeah, I would get up and whatever, you know, I was doing blow. I get up in a bed. Oh, yeah.

So I'd wake up the next morning, call the agent and just unravel a lot. I'm like, how come I'm not? How come I'm not in for the lead of Superman? You weigh 400 pounds. Did you ever think about that? But in my cocaine mind, I should have read for Superman, you know, I'm I'm exaggerating. Yeah, but I'm just I get the point. Yeah, in those days, I would get up and unleash on the agents at 9 0 1.

Right, man. What the fuck? I haven't gotten out in two days. Yeah, like Joey, what the fuck? You went on for three additional days. We got him, give a fuck. Yeah, last week was last week. Bitch kept me something. Yeah, you know, last week was last week.

Oh, yeah, I'm a terror. Yeah, I was theatrical into it. Yeah, the worst thing I ever did was get breakdowns. Uh-huh. That's the worst thing. That's the reality. You started figuring out you were right for about a million projects. You're right for about a million projects. But you don't know why they're not calling you in.

Right. And you confused. You confused. You're still going on IMDb, looking for names and numbers. And you're like back full time. Why aren't you fucking calling me? Right. And I always believe that. I mean, I got to be honest, because I bust these balls about this. I always believe that I lost a few jobs

because of my behavior in those days and how aggressive I was. But I would also not be able to sleep if I wasn't that aggressive. Right. Yeah. What is the what is the medium? What is the middle ground? Because you can't just sit around, but then you can't intimidate or overdo it with people to get annoyed with you. They get annoyed with you. Yeah. And I remember being at

there was a casting agent in town named Rick Pagano. And I did a movie from and a couple of things happened on the set. That shit was supposed to happen. They did not involve me. But in those days, I kind of took the blame for it. And I'll never forget he had a project that I was perfect for. The pay was perfect. The role was perfect.

And finally, I go to the little farmers market in Hollywood on Sundays. Yeah, by like Cole and all those right creepy streets. I saw and I fucking one of them, I go, Rick, no disrespect. I've sent you 18 envelopes. You know, I called your office 16 times. I'm perfect for that role. He goes, did you ever think that the director had a nephew that was perfect for that role was because that's what happened.

Right. And I'm like, so you couldn't fucking call me. And, you know, I was a little upset with him now. He never put me in nothing again. But that's what that taught me that you don't know what's going on with that project. Of course not. The director is thinking about something. The producers thinking about somebody, they put it. Why they put it out to taunt me is what pisses me off. Right. It's like, you know, that commercial with mayhem.

They made 200 people read for that. Two hundred regular people like me, you and Lee. Yeah. Go to fucking 200 South Lebray. And I knew like three guys that went to the call back. Yeah. When they saw the guy that got hired, they were heartbroken. Because they're like, why'd you waste our time? Because they just hired him, you think, without an audition? They already know. They already had him.

They know. Yeah. They just this is a write off sitting and watching you for a week. I keep Lee happy. Yeah, go find somebody. Yeah. You're doing great, Lee. Go find somebody. I already got somebody. I already signed somebody. Right. But part of the casting sag program, you have to have some. Yeah, I just make that when you write something, if you're a writer, you're a writer, when you're writing something,

aren't you writing it with somebody in fucking mind? Of course. OK, then then what the fuck are you talking about? Right. When I'm writing the role of mush, I'm thinking about Lee. Right. When I sold the show to Fox, yeah. Mush and my telemarketing office was Lee. Right. That's it. I was based off Lee, a kid out of college, young, I knew his father, his father made me take him and he's not a salesman. Right. And every day I'm like, what type of Jew are you?

I'm flying. You're not fucking sale. I know Jews that sell fucking in their sleep. I get the only Jew that can't fucking fucking sell, but I love him. He's like my god, nephew or whatever, pilot. When you write, you already have somebody in mind. Yeah. Mayhem, the guy I had for I had a guy called something. I gave him like a prison name. It was Nick Tatoro. Right. It was Nick Tatoro's character. Was it going to be Nick?

No, I don't know if the network will say no. Right. That's what people don't know. Yeah, that you could write for people. I could write and go, this is going to what's it got to do? The star is born Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper. I could write a role for Bradley Cooper. That doesn't mean Bradley Cooper is going to take it. Right. So everything adjusts after that. Bradley Cooper turned it down and somebody else who looks like Bradley Cooper turned it down.

So now I got to switch this character around. I got to make him a garbage man to look like Johnny LaLaca or whatever the fuck. So getting the breakdowns. It pissed me off because every day there'd be eight submissions. And I was getting them. I was so addicted, like my addicted personality from cocaine had become. I knew I would. There was no way they were going to look at me as a comic.

There was no way my door was going to be open as a comic. This is 20 years ago. You're talking about 2000 to 2005. I was already blackballed in this town. Yeah, I was a cokehead and I was a store comic. Yeah, dirty. I'm not with Rogan cause problems. But you were getting acting work at that time. No, no. I decided to attack acting. Yeah.

Because I couldn't open a door in comedy. Yeah, couldn't get a manager, couldn't get an agent. Right. Never went to Montreal. Nobody ever talked to me about nothing. Right. But I'm doing spots at the store. So something's got to be there. Something's happening. Something's happening. You got some talent. You got some ability.

Nobody's talking to me. Right. So in my mind I go, let me open up a different door. Let me open up the acting door. So I take an acting class, I talk to the actors. They told me about this thing called the breakdown. So we get them, but you're not supposed to know. Okay. Then I met somebody who goes, you want them?

I'll send them to you every morning at three in the morning. So I would wake up at six. Sometimes I would sleep an hour after doing coke. Is that when you started waking up early? I know you like to wake up early. No, I've always woke up early. But that's the early break. Catch is the fucking work. Yeah.

Okay. So you get up at six and there would be a hundred and four or five pages that 160 pages of breakdown. Right. And you've got to sit there with glasses. Yeah. A notebook and a pen. It's exhausting.

And write it down and scroll. And they're looking for midgets. They're looking for fucking vaudevillians. And they're looking for somebody to swallow a sword. You know, you'd read this shit. You know, I'll never forget that I read for one and I actually read it and went, wow. And then I actually got the call for it.

And I was like, what? And it was like a commercial with alligators. And you were going to actually go into an ocean like a river and shoot this with the alligators. You were just going to be in a metal case. Was it for Jackass 3? It was for something crazy. And you submitted for this?

I didn't. You couldn't submit from it. But you could call your agent and be like, hey. But you call your agent. So that's what you do. You type the information down. And when your agent gets to work, the first email, Joe Diaz, what's he want?

This is what you submit me for today. I'll call you in an hour. And I would call him and go, what happened with this? We called and let the message. What happened with this? They didn't return our call. What happened with this? There's nobody answering.

Now I got to go to work. Now I got to get an envelope, put it in there, and drive it down there personally. You would do that? Oh, yeah. You bring an envelope down there. Bring a fucking headshot. Fucking headshot, a fucking bio.

Oh, okay. Who repasses to find the store. I thought you meant an envelope full of money. No, no. Who had money? I had no money. Well, I think I'm looking for a job for it because I had money, I had money.

I wouldn't fucking go down there. I'd say, fuck the job. Right. So in those days, in those days, there would either be a large mount. Large mount has an office of like eight castings. They're main offices. And then when they get called to do something at NBC,

they cast you from NBC. But I would find out where they're main offices. Uh-huh. And I would hit their main offices. Problem is with the main offices, there's no receptionists. So you just leave it in a dry. That's a 50-50. You're just leaving it somewhere?

You leave it under the door. Gotcha. You zip it under the door. If there's a receptionist, you have way there because at least you have contact. Right. So you're the nicest person. You could be with the receptionist.

Right. God forbid she watches at your broken pocket. Ha-ha-ha-ha. You're not gonna believe who came into the office. Yeah. You follow me. I do. There's always, you know,

when people always go to me, I'm having the hardest time finding an agent. Have you been down there? Right. No, I sent referrals. Yeah, you're down there. Yeah. That's good advice.

You gotta get 25 numbers and you're gonna do five Monday, five Tuesday, five Wednesday, five Thursday. Right. Friday, they don't wanna see nobody. Right. Friday. No, no, not even myself. So you don't wanna see nobody.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. So you bring it down Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. Yeah. And you're never gonna know. I know a kid who walked into three yards with a headshot and he got a call the next day. Yeah. Unseen, they signed up.

So don't tell me. Right. No, you gotta do. It was a check and he was a good looking. Right. And you gotta do stuff like that. She ran back there and told him, you gotta see this guy.

He's hot, he's Spanish. Three yards signed up. Yeah. But if he was sent to submission, he wouldn't have seen that receptionist. He's in a pile. He's in a pile. He's in a pile.

You know, literally or a few years ago. You're trying not to end up in the pile. Right. So you have to do the things that don't end up in the pile. Yeah. And this is what everything. What doesn't, what, where?

If I'm gonna spin my wheels in that direction, why do I want them to spin in that direction? I'm wasting my fucking time. I heard something that was very interesting once to me. I heard that a casting director's job was to find the right actor for that job. The quickest, most efficient way. That turned me around at that time as an actor.

I said, oh, they're looking for me. I gotta present myself. I'm like my own zip recruiter. You know what I'm saying? I gotta fucking pop up. You gotta find your own candidates. Well, I'm a candidate for this. You might not know about me

because I'm not with CAA or Innovative. I'm with the coloring book. So they got no juice. Right. You know, they got no juice to get me in here. So I gotta create my own juice. And that's what I would do. I would just go down there.

And then I started putting the auditions on tape for that more already. Like for a movie that was in pre-production. Just send it to him. You have a friend that, you know, you've been here for 10 years. Everybody has a friend that was a comic that gave up and became an agent.

Right. And he ends up in Litt at ICM. So he had this call. So see if you got this script for American Gangster. I was just reading it. It sent me on the mail. Don't give it to nobody else. I won't, just send it to me.

They do that all the time. Right. So I would get those scripts in the book room and send the package. That's cool. And sometimes you get it. And sometimes you don't. But that happens anyways.

The longest yard, bro. I dropped it off on a Tuesday. What, the tape? They wouldn't see me. Uh-huh. They wouldn't, they didn't want to. There you are, right there in the poster, dude. There I am in the poster.

Not that poster. Whatever, you're on the plaque. They took out that poster. When that movie came out, Big Pussy got arrested for domestic violence. I didn't miss that. So the first set of posters, I'm in. Yeah.

Once he got arrested, they didn't want me to confuse him with Pussy. You look too much like him. So they took me out of the poster. That's one story. The other story is the fucking producers hated me so much at the end of the movie where they just pulled me out of there

and I didn't give a fuck. I still got the original ones with me in them. Some of my daughter will sell them when she's fucking dirty. Who the fuck, bro? Did you create chaos on the set? Or was that, did they dislike you for shit, for dumb reasons?

I think I was there because of Adam. Uh-huh. Okay, I wasn't there because everybody agreed on me. Gotcha. And then once I got on there, not in New Mexico, but once we got up here, you could only hide a problem for so long before it comes out.

Gotcha. You know, when you come in and you have bags under your eyes and your nose is leaking. Wasn't that the movie you showed up on and you were completely broke? You had like 35 cents in your pocket and then you just got all this,

you were loving the per diem. The first day. The first day when I got there, I think I had $25 and I gave the limo driver a five. They sent the limo to come get me, to the table, right? And then straight to the airport. I'm thinking we're going to LAX,

we're headed to fucking Van Nuys, a private jet. Oh, yeah. You know, and I'm like, I got fucking $20 in a joint. Yeah, that's always so funny. No ATM card. You know, when you get to a hotel,

you gotta give them an ATM card. I get to a hotel, yeah. That's what happened to me. I was taping live at Gotham for Comedy Central. I spent all my money just getting from JFK to Midtown. And then they asked me for, you know, at the hotel, the incidentals. I'm like, I got nothing.

Luckily, my friend who was also taping, lived with his dad and he had tons of money on his credit card and I got to sleep indoors that night. But that's so weird though, you're going to tape TV. It's the weirdest business. I've taken Greyhound buses and private jets in the same month, several times.

You know, it's nutty. Just, this is what keeps you, you know, Pachino and the devil's advocate. And he goes, you take the subway. Well, what's his name? John Wick says, you take the subway, you fucking load it. And he goes, I always want to keep my head to the ground. Right.

You know? So it's really nice to take private jets and all that stuff. Yeah. But you always want to end up on the Greyhound adventure. Always. It's like, I told my man, Reno, Tahoe, and back to the ghetto, you know?

And as long as you know that going in, listen man, I take UberX. I wake up some mornings and says $10 on UberX. I'll take an UberX with 10 Puerto Ricans. We'll fit. I'll get 10 Puerto Ricans. You love the value. You never get over that.

Don't even tell me. How about XL? Fuck XL. I get 10 off on UberX today. I'm powering everybody in the neighborhood. We're sitting on laps. We're breathing on one another. I don't give a fuck.

When I went to New York to shoot that movie, I became like platinum. So I get all these fucking weird things. Like 25 hours off if you get this car. Really? Boom, yeah. I'll get that car if you're pushing me to that car. Fuck it, I'll take it.

Uber's been very, very, very, very good to me. I love Uber. You know how America's been many, many, many good to people? Yes. Like baseball. America has been very, very, very good to me. Yeah. America, very good.

Yeah. Very good. Ha, ha, ha. Uber has been very, very, very good to me. I love Uber. I just don't do the planned ride no more. Oh, the scheduled ride? They fucked you.

They fucked you over? That's not good. They fucked you. That's not good. They canceled, they charged you like five hours. Yeah. Now you're waiting for the airport. I gotta call again.

Yeah. You muggle this fuck. That happened to me. I'm trying to catch a flight. Somebody's coming to get me for 20 minutes and then they cancel when they're one minute away. I'm like, now I gotta start from scratch. You motherfucker.

I'm fucking starting Monday. You, that Uber LAX is non-existent. Well, I'm Burbank all day. So I ain't worried about it. You going jet blue? Yeah. Burbank to JFK. Like the mother fucker.

Come on, man. What the fuck else? And that's a red-eye too. I don't even remember. There's one there. Yeah, there's a 958. I think it's a little earlier than that. Right, there's two of them.

Yeah. They just added another one. One a day, JFK, Burbank, Burbank, JFK. It's beautiful. They just don't have mint. They just don't have mint. So wait, why can't you Uber to LAX? Because they're gonna drop you off at a terminal

and then you have to take a bus. No. LAX, yes, brother. That's worthless. But if you just take the bus. So I can't imagine how big the lines are gonna be to wait for the bus. I've walked on to LAX property before.

That's how broke I've been. I just walked on, like running across roads. I've seen people doing that. Getting pinned for being ISIS, just fucking. Yeah, it's terrible. That's starting Monday. You can't take an Uber to LAX? 29th.

All right. There goes Lee's life. So you have to go to a terminal and then take a bus that circles the terminals. They're gonna guarantee you that you had a terminal every three minutes and all that stuff, but. That's no good.

That's no good. Fuck LAX all together now. And other people are saying that what they should do is make a site where they park the cars right across like the parking garages to put it there. It's gonna be a lot easier. But see, we're talking from a consumer side, which I have to be honest with you.

Unless you fly into LAX, I heard LAX at night is unbearable. Oh my God. LAX is terrible, man. I heard unbearable. After six o'clock during the week and I heard Sunday nights is, it takes you an hour to get out. People were thinking of flying out to LAX.

Sunday nights, you can't get out of there. I know I fly in early. You know, I leave at six or more. And I'll tell you at nine in the morning, you gotta see what it looks like out there to get an Uber. And the taxis, they look like they got AIDS. 20 taxis and you can't blame them. Because I know when I take an Uber,

it's $30 cheaper. Yeah. I forbid I take the Uber tax, it's $40. Right. What about JFK's not great, though, either. JFK? Yeah, but you know, I don't have to take a car out of JFK. I can get on a train.

Once again, the train saves the day. You take the train from JFK back. Yeah, absolutely. If it's at a decent hour, definitely. And it's only like seven, seven, eight bucks to get it all the way home. Wow. What kind of train is it?

There's a, you get on the air train. That takes you to the subway. Take the subway home. The regular subway. The regular subway. Take the e-train. Take the e-train. And you got people looking at you.

It's a pain in the ass. It's a pain in the ass, but it's cheap. And I kind of like it better than waiting for a taxi. If I'm in the mood, let's put it that way. You know. By the way, I have a new travel podcast called Roadheads. Really? It came out today.

It's all about this stuff. Yeah. It's all about traveling and traveling with no money. Which I've done several times. Millions of times, it feels like. You ever jump over a counter at Denver Airport and steal a pack of cigarettes? No, that's you.

And go into the bathroom and spark it up. No, you did that. How'd that go? I got away with it. I'm here, right? Right. Remember you wrote some of the airports that, I can't tell you how many times out of terminal 48, 49,

American, that last convenience store, I just went to the airport to shop with them. Really? That last convenience store at American Airlines Terminal. It was this before 9-11? This was till about eight years ago. Oh, okay. Till about 2010, I made it a habit, just fuck it.

I couldn't afford to eat at the hamburger stand or nothing. Right. So I would go into one of those things, take one of those turkey Swiss sandwiches. Yeah. Been there for two days. I'd take a Rocky Mountain post. What do you call those?

New York Post? Yeah. Last they sell the New York Post. Really? For $3. Okay. $3 for a newspaper. Yeah.

So I'd take a fucking can of soda, put it in my pocket, there'd be a line of people there, and I'd just take the newspaper, put that stale turkey sandwich on my eye, with the little side packets of mayonnaise, and I'd trickle my way to the door little by little, and walk out. For years, I lived, I still remember.

But you jumped behind the counter to get the cigarettes? In Denver one time? Yeah. When I went to shoot, I don't like this. I don't like that. Yeah. They, I went to the audition. They didn't pay for the audition,

they paid for my flight to shoot, but they didn't pay for my flight to the audition. Right. So my buddy threw me a, a pat, buddy pass. Mm-hmm. Through front tier. Fly standby?

Through front tier airlines. Oh my God. Which was completely my nightmare. No kidding. I was supposed to audition that afternoon at two, when I got off the plane at 11 in the morning, there was no luggage. My luggage was in Tallahassee.

Farmed. So it was one of those type of deals. I basically went to New York, got a borrow on house from my friend, got a warm-up suit. For some reason, my stepfather gave me a ring that day, because it was my birthday. Uh-huh.

He gave me a ring. The only thing he ever gave me after my mom died was a nice big gold diamond ring. And I wore the ring to the audition, had it by a warm-up suit and sneakers. I didn't get my luggage, so I got back to LA. Geez. So that night, I slept in the fucking warm-up suit.

Yeah. Got my own. The next day I had to go to another buddy of mine, borrow another hundred and go back to Models. Yeah. Models and I got like warm-up pants, because I swore on your pants. Yeah.

And there was no jeans. Sure. I'd be easier with sweats and a hooded sweatshirt. Yeah. They have to buy a belt and pants and fucking garter belts and suspenders and shit. So at that time I was in 418, I was like 370 or something. Okay.

360. Uh-huh. And I stayed another day, and then the guy who'd drawn me to the airport, I didn't have the nerve to ask him. He had just drove me for free. Yeah. And I didn't have the nerve to ask him

until he gave me 10 bucks to eat something. Yeah. And I got on that plane with like two bucks. Mm-hmm. I think I ate whatever, something at Newark. I didn't shoplift at Newark. But once I got to Denver, I had no fucking choice and I was smoking that.

I damn right you were. And I had a connecting airline. A connecting flight. Yeah. You cannot walk out of Denver, smoke and walk back. I know. It's an hour. Uh-huh.

You will miss your flight. Yeah. So I had to do that Newark one night and I fucking almost died. And I'll never forget Newark, but I was walking. I saw them walking towards me with the dog. I had the reefer in my pocket. Uh-huh.

I ran into the bathroom and they hit the reefer in a toilet roll. Yeah. And somebody in the toilet, you know, like a toilet, but I put it in the roll. Gotcha. When I walked out, once the dog passed by, I went back in.

Holy shit. I took the weed out, rolled it in the bathroom and ran back outside in Newark. This has to be 2002. Okay. I'm outside smoking the fucking number and my head's on a swivel. And I'm smoking a number and as I'm gonna go

through the road your way, the cop with the dog is 10 feet away from me. I gently flick the roach and I make believe, like, I don't know what he's saying. And all of a sudden he's like, man, I love your show on HB. Ah! This poor bastard, this poor bastard.

But wouldn't arrest me even if he wanted to. You're right. You know, I just got a thousand of those hairline stories, but on the way back and then I couldn't take it. Right. Like I hadn't smoked in like fucking 10 hours. And I had no money and I went through a store that was closing.

So they had gone somewhere and the gate was open. Right. Just barely. Yeah. The gate was half open. Right. This is how crazy I was. And I just went, looked around.

Yeah. I reached over, I took a pack of Marlboro lights. I took a fucking lighter. Yeah. And I ran in the fucking bathroom and smoked in the store. Dude. I smoked like two of them in the store. That's insanity.

I got on the plane. That's craziness. I stood on the going to Lubbock to do froggy bottoms. Uh-huh. Transferring in Houston. I was in Houston and my flight was scheduled for like, let's say 10 in the morning. And the only reason why I was going early

was because they wanted me to do radio. Uh-huh. I just wanted to get a hotel and get settled in Snorke-Colk and Lubbock and then no. I'll never forget staying at that airport all day broke because they kept saying Southwest will give you a $250 voucher if you get off this flight. Yeah.

So that whole day I was at that airport where maybe two bucks, no phone. I used to have a pager. Right. I would just have change in my pocket. If I had to call somebody in the calling card. Yeah. And I would just shoplift at those airports.

No kidding. I'm very ashamed to say it, but it's the truth. Yeah, you were hungry, man. Hey man, you gotta survive as a comic. Right. And nevermind when you start getting on buses. I got hours of, you know, when you pull into Charlotte, when you're connecting from Charlotte, you're going to DC.

Yeah. I got bad news for you. There's nothing open in Charlotte at the bus station. No kidding. They just have a little area open and you look up and there's a vending machine. Yeah, I know. Now you're eating Reese's Pieces for dinner.

Yeah, you're eating potato chips, sour cream and onion. Hopefully they, some of them would have the sausage with the piece of cheese. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Or some cheese and crackers or something. Oh yeah, yeah. It was a fucking stick. That resembled food.

People have no idea when you travel as a comic and you're working for 500 a week. You gotta make everything count. And the bus is $90 and, you know, and you're just like eating chips and sandwiches. You know, I got big at that time. Yes, I was very lazy, but my diet, I was only eating onion rings

and the cheeseburgers from the club and jalapenos. I was trying to take all my payment and beer and food for a while. You know what I mean? Cause I wasn't getting paid enough. I'm like, just give me more food. Give me more beer.

I don't know why. I mean, I know I can't put that in my ATM, but I was just like, just keep it coming. I put on tons of weight a couple of years ago. Just a couple of years is a comic. Well, you're just stuck. Yeah. You're just stuck in limbo.

You're just stuck for years, yeah. You just finally say to yourself, I'm very happy paying rent and eating. Yeah. However that is. Right. If it means I gotta go down to the Hermosa. What's that comedy club?

Comedy and magic. Yeah. I got Ralphie being broke as fuck going. Yeah. That's the only reason I call down there and play. They feed you. They feed you something nice. And they give you something to go.

Exactly. Which is really rare. You can get two dinners if you want. Yeah. Salmon. Yeah. When you're broke. Steak.

Steak. When you're fucked and broke. Get the fuck out of here. Stop it. Yeah. I get it. I'll go down there. Sometimes when I don't even have a spot.

What's up, Full Charge? What do you want to eat? Steak motherfucker. I'll go down there. I don't have any comedy magic. I don't even have a spot sometimes. I probably shouldn't put that out there. Now everybody's going to do it.

But I've done it. Why not? I was hungry. They always ask you, you're hungry and you always play it off at first. They make you eat. You always play it off at first. Oh no, I'm fine.

You can have a hole in your stomach. You're ready to shit blood. But your fucking ego is like, nah. Maybe I'll get something later. Joe, you gotta eat. And also the weight to come over. You sure? Yeah.

You made special and you're like, I just ate 20 minutes ago. Meanwhile, you haven't eaten. 20 days ago. Since you ate that fucking dry cereal at 11 o'clock in the morning with no milk. You even thought about putting water in it so it would expand in your stomach

like that fucking special K. You know what I mean? Boxes are dry, special K. I used to just buy the fucking boxes. Did you eat it with your hands or what? This is a point where I don't really know what happened to me because I wasn't eating enough to justify the weight I was gaining.

But it was metabolism. Sitting on those buses for eight hours. And stress can do it too. Sitting on those buses. Well, the sleep apnea. When the sleep apnea came on, I had that initial yeah. Because your body's releasing cortisol.

So it's releasing like a danger that the cortisol gets you fat and makes your back swell. Like when you see people with the hunch, that's cortisol. And that's because they have sleep apnea or is there? Because they have stress. Stress, stress, stress. At least it's cortisol in your body, which is bad.

But you learn all about those things from going out and you learn about your body and what it can handle. And I gotta be honest with you, the other night I got a Pat Benatar night. I got so high, I came home. I was looking at the refrigerator and I used to eat like a protein bar or an apple. I found my daughter's Halloween can.

From like a year ago. And I had like, you know those three little, they're little. Yeah. You know, there were no points. There were like two points apiece. I had like three of those. They're fluffy in the middle and chocolate outside. Oh.

Not a $100,000 bar. Not a Hershey's bar. It's not a Milky Way, is it? Babe Ruth. Is it Babe Ruth? No, no, it's like a Milky Way. Three Musketeers? Yeah, three Musketeers.

That's some bullshit right there, but it's delicious. It's called Nougat. Nougat. Nougat is. I had three of those before I went to bed and I fell asleep. I don't know how with the sugar content. But just the three of those choices at night.

Oh yeah. I didn't feel too good the next day. Well, it's heaven while it's happening. I had two mistakes last week. I ate that and one night I had double pan. Out of a can, I had nuts, double hands in prison. It just destroyed my internal combustion system. My shit was coming out.

You see how black this table is? Yeah, I do. That's how it came out for two days. The tar shit. Like it just destroyed my internal. I had to go back to probiotics. I had to drink that fucking shit. K.O.

That's how my body can't handle it. No kidding, dude. No. That's worse than spam. I'm not kidding you guys. I'm not making shit up here. My body shut down on that. Like sardines.

When I was in prison, I ate more sardines than Gilligan. I was eating sardines like it was my island. You know what I'm saying? Man, once I got out of the prison, I ate so many fucking sardines. How you fish? Right. I ain't fucking with no sardines.

Those days are over. Damn, Lee, I could go for that happy hour. Let's do it. Oh, you're a fucking deja vu over there. We started in about an hour. What's the name of it? Sushi Den. Damn, I haven't been there a couple weeks.

Yeah. They got a nice happy hour, because I keep it simple now. Sure. No more compound sushi. It's too many points. Gotcha. I just keep it with the spicy tuna.

Six points. You gave me shit for months for eating spicy tuna. What the? But now he's not. No, that spicy tuna is delicious. This mutt just eats spicy tuna shrimp, and there's one other thing.

Regular tuna and shrimp tempura. That's it. That's all he eats. Yeah. So I can't take him away. He's an embarrassed man. Sure, right. That's an entry-level white person shit.

I can't take him to nobody. I eat the real deal. I get the fucking blue crab. Yeah. That blue crab. Oh, yeah. Oh my God, with spider roe, with the crab and then shit.

Yeah, you speak in my language. Vitamin D almost killed him last week. Forget about it if he gave him a blue crab. I put him out in the sun for six minutes. You should have seen him. Yeah, you always leave out the way. We're smoking one of those crazy joints. But what's that got to do with breaking out?

Because I was coughing. It wasn't the Vitamin D. How many, just when does coughing burn calories? It does a little bit. He wasn't doing nothing. Trust me. He took two hits. I looked down.

I looked up. As I go on to New York, you look up. You see a beautiful city. You look down, your back's a gun. Same fucking thing. I look up. I look up. He's sweating profusiously from Vitamin D.

So you don't go outside that much? You're a vampire. I don't, bro. He hates the sun. Is that right? I mean, when I walk from the car to somewhere else. Yeah. That's it, huh?

But it's different. When I was in New York, I walked. It's fun. Right. Here, the boring is fucked. Nothing to do. Not that I like walking anyways. I'm not trying to say I love walking in New York.

But at least in New York, you go to a store. There's people shitting on the floor. Like it's fun. There's stuff to see. Here, you got homeless down the corner from here. Yeah, I got a homeless. I got homeless people shitting in my fucking. You got Popeye's chicken down the corner.

Yeah. So am I gonna walk to Popeye's chicken? And you got a hot dog standing across the street from there. You look like a doctor. You got fucking Johns across the street from there. Oh yeah. That's a barrel laughs, Johns. What's Johns?

They pretended it's Vaughn's, which is nice. Oh, I love that shit. But it's Johns. Yeah, the ripoff. I love that. 8,000 Russian people who they hate your car every time you go in there. They have two cashiers that don't speak English.

I hate Johns. Every time I go in there, I see somebody get hit by a car. Those Russian Jews are ruthless. There's white people can't handle those Russian Jews. Every time you go in there, you see a fucking ambulance is what they got. There's a Russian Jew going down over there.

Everything's stale. I don't go in there. My wife goes in there, I suppose. The bread's good. The bread's really good. The bread's really good. And the co-cuts. Yeah, I don't know.

They have that ham that Ari likes from Spain. It sells out by lunchtime. But they have it. Yeah, Johns always looks like it's been raided. It always looks like somebody came in and grabbed a bunch of shit. There's two places in Hollywood I do not like. Johns and the one Felipe Goops on.

What's that? Food for less. Food for less, yeah. I love that joke, though. I love that joke. That joke's fucking creepy. He's right. Food for less in Hollywood,

you gotta be out of your mind to go there. And at that area, then, it was really bad. When we used to have to park under the food for less and walk upstairs, you'd fear for your life. Ladies and gentlemen, you'd fear for your life. And this is Uncle Joey telling you. And my wife, she's a sweetheart. She used to go, let's go there, it's seven.

And I go, listen, that's not happening. We go to food for less Saturdays when it's the most people ever. Right, witnesses. Because that area isn't a good area. No kidding. Anyway, that's Western. Let me tell you how crazy Western is.

Let's talk about Western, because when I first moved here, the Pussycat Theater was right there. Am I right about that? The Porno Theater. Right on Western and Sunset, but it was actually on Western. Western and Sunset.

So just north of Sunset, the Pussycat Theater is one of the last Porno theaters still around. In the late 90s, it was still around. Wow. I don't. Now it's a UCB. I just know that I used to go to Sprint over there.

Hollywood in Western has the lumber place, the hardware store. Right, all that. And you go in there and there's Mexicans outside. And they have a Mexican food catering truck. Those Mexicans could not slip, because the Mexicans that were landscapers and builders that were hungry would stab them.

If you ever want good Mexican food in Hollywood, you can get about all those cliche restaurants. The truck. Go to the truck at, what's the name of that? Home Depot or? Home Depot. And I'm not trying to be funny here. I know.

They have a carne asada. Yeah. Oh, like a thing on a bone, a thin steak on a bone there with rice and beans, leaf. Yeah, sounds delicious. It sounds delicious. But I used to be there, used to be the Sprint there. There's a Hawaiian restaurant thing there.

Yeah. And next to the Hawaiian restaurant thing, there's like a thing where you buy sheds. Uh-huh. And then across the street there's a McDonald's. Right on Sunset in Hollywood. Yes. There's a McDonald's.

And McDonald's is food for less. Yeah. That was that neighborhood. That street after sunset, go past sunset at night and see what you see for those next three blocks. Right. It's not. Mad Max.

It's not pretty. Yeah. So one night I go to El Compadre to cop Coke. Mm-hmm. I'm listening. This has to be, I quit doing Coke in 2007, 2004. You know, like I said, sometimes you don't need material. Right.

In your life, you just have comedy at peace. And that time I had a lot of comedy that came to me. And one night I was walking into El Compadre through the back door to cop from the Armenian. But before I could get to the Armenian, a kid came up to me on a bicycle, a Mexican dude. He's like, hey, how you doing? He starts talking to me and shit.

Yeah. This is a true story. He says, talk to me and shit. Come on, start. I thought I knew. Uh-huh. I think he knew me from the longest yard. Okay.

So it was like 2005. Okay. Because I dealt with him for two years only. And I dealt with him in extreme situation. Uh-huh. So this is how this guy sold Jacob. He would talk, he talked to me that first time. He's like, hey, how's it going?

He goes, what are you looking for? Like what are you looking for? And I didn't know if the Armenian was there. I didn't know. Right. But he goes, you know, and he goes in his pocket. Bro, right outside. It's gotta be 830 at night.

There's people on the balcony at El Compadre where the parking lot. Yeah. He goes in his pocket, takes out a coke rock, and just fucking puts it in my nose. Really? He goes here, like this. That's delivery right there.

He puts it right in my nose with his fucking eight, with his little HIV finger, whatever it was. Right. His hepatitis. See, because that's how you get hepatitis by snorting coke with $100 bills. Yeah. That's how a lot of people have hepatitis today.

No kidding. The question is, did you snort coke from a straw or intravenous? Right. Because when you put your straw on your nose and then you put it in your nose, that's how people would get hepatitis. Hep C, you get hepatitis C?

The hep. Yeah, the hep. So what we're talking about is this. You all right? Bro, no problem. Yeah, I'm fine. This guy had like hepatitis C or whatever. It doesn't really matter.

He put the coke rock in my nose and immediately I was fucked up. And he goes, what do you want? And they go, what's a gram? And he goes, yeah, he just said, so I gave him 60 bucks and no rapping, no nothing. He just took a bag out and he goes, I'm out, I'm out.

I put my hand out, he just put a chunk on my hand. Wow. And I just closed and I go, that's a lot of coke. It's not about the first time deal. Yeah. And he goes, if you want to find me, I'm on Sunset in the Western. Coke for less.

So I go, Sunset in the Western, right? I go, okay, no worry, I'll keep that in mind. I take the coke home, it's fire. It's fire. Nice. So in those days, I had like three or four drug dealers because I didn't want them to know how much coke I was really drinking.

Right. You don't want to be judged by your drug dealer. I had your immediate open podger, I had the guitar player at open podger. I had my black buddy D Money and I had John Blaze, the bartender at one of those Hollywood clubs. Yeah, sounds familiar.

So I had four different drug dealers and nobody knew. Nobody knew I had tabs. I always had a tab with D Money and I wouldn't have a tab with John Blaze. I always had a tab with the Armenian but the guitar player at open podger wouldn't give me a tab. Yeah.

So it was nice where you're all tapped up. Right. The other two dealers aren't around. Yeah. I gotta pay for this? So one night I'm sitting there in my apartment, I'm drawing, I'm about to jerk off for the eighth time. Sure.

I gotta get some more coke. And also I heard, come to Sunset in the Western. I'm always there. I'm like... You're a little flashback. Yeah. Like in a movie. Like I heard like that voice like you can do it.

You're like when he's about to lose, he's swimming. Yeah. And you get like a vision of your father. Yeah. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yeah. What's he say? What's Spider-Man?

The Uncle Ben. Yeah. I don't know. The Uncle Ben's responsibility. What the Uncle Ben? With great power comes great responsibility. Yeah. So I'm sitting there and I hear, you know,

I hear like... Right. The two Sunsets in Western. That comes with more hookups. Yeah. With great power comes responsibility. I heard his voice. Give me that whole Spider-Man speech.

Yeah. So I got in my car and I went to the street past Western Uh-huh. On the Hollywood Boulevard. Like you made a right. Yeah. Down the Sunset.

And I drove up and I'm like looking around. I don't know what they yell for. It's two in the morning. That part of town is kind of empty. I get the Hollywood in Western at that light. It was a red light. And I'm like, okay, I look at the McDonald's. It's open then.

I think they closed it. Yeah. That's why I bought breakfast for my wife and her two girlfriends. My daughter Mercy was born. I got the call at like four. We're gonna go in the labor and I stopped at McDonald's and I brought breakfast.

They're like, ew. It's fucking smells. So I'm sitting there eating like McMuffins. The whole fucking deal. So I'm at that light. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't even know if I should make a noise. If I got a beep.

Right. So dog, the light changes. I'm like the second car in the lane. The light changes and I'm driving. But guess what? What? At the next light, there's a red light. At the next corner, there's a red light.

Who do you think comes up to me in this little bicycle? Yoda. Yoda. He comes up and goes, hey, how you doing? You come here and you find me. It's two in the fucking morning. He goes, pull over, pull over. So right there by sunset,

we just pulled over on this bicycle. He came around, opened up the fucking car door. First thing he does is make sure you're not a cop. He puts a coke rock in your nose. Oh really? There's no conversation. Gotcha. There's no conversation.

What does that accomplish? Like if you got a coke rock in your nose, you can't be a cop. But if he puts it in and you snort it, he knows you're not a cop in his mind. Gotcha. So he would give you a little taste. Yeah.

Wow. I'm ready to buy. And you're like 50 and he'd give you a little coke thing with no package, no nothing. You'd just be driving home on sunset. A handful of coke. Like a handful of coke, like a delivery boy from Domino's.

Windows rolled up. I don't think I'm fucking kidding you. To no see. How many times that guy gave me coke in the palm of my hand with not a fucking, but that's how bad Western used to be. So food for us is right there and there's something else right there too that's kind of scary. Everything over there is sketchy.

But now they're making a shopping mall out of it, aren't they? Okay. But you know what that McDonald's is? Yeah. Across the street from that. To let you guys know how fucking crazy Hollywood is. Yeah.

Was one of the biggest casting offices in this town. Right. Really? Yeah. That right across the street from that McDonald's. If you look, there's like a bunch of like, you know, sell your kids that those type of buildings. Like get a loan tonight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sell your daughter to the Mexican cartel. Oh, right. And then there's like a little house that's very, you'd think like, who would live there? 20 years ago. So Walter was going to do a movie for fucking the director from Drugstore Cowboy.

Gus Van Sant. Gus Van Sant. We're going to do a movie about a singer that used to standups. And we all, we went to the studio first and read, but the final callback was at that house. I remember going there like at 10 in the morning, I'm like, what the fuck is this shit?

Right. Like, what is this? And that was the first time ever that I went into a room. True, Walter was in the room. No shit. And I go out of all the studios and shit I've been to. There's never an after there. Right.

I come to the haunted house. I've been in Weston Boulevard. And there's fucking Chevalta here with Gus Van Sant. That's crazy, man. I was laughing the other day cause I've been watching Cheers. And Joey always says how old LA is. They had a scene in LA by that clown liquor store. It looks the same.

It looks the same. We're not changing that. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. The whole block. The clown is on violin? Yeah. Yeah, that's scary. The whole drunk clown?

The whole block looks the same. From like 1990. Cheers was 1990 and that block still looks the same. I think that was a little earlier. Well, no, no. I'm in the last couple of seasons now. Cheers was like early 80s to early 90s. That's funny cause last night they had less than zero on.

Yeah. And they scrolled through different places at Beverly Hills. And none of those places are there. Oh yeah, Beverly Hills. But when they scrolled through Hollywood, I saw Hollywood neon. That's all I remember. But there's times like when you watch Leet the Weapon.

The first Leet the Weapon is hilarious. That's the name of where I lived it. One minute he's on Shredder. And two minutes later he's fighting. What's his name under the 101? It's impossible. It is impossible. It's impossible.

I'm gonna go ahead for him. I'll cut him off on Vine. What are you talking about? You're not anywhere near Vine. It will take you 35 minutes to cut him off on Vine. You need a helicopter. When you watch Pretty Women. Watch Pretty Women.

You'll die when they go down Hollywood Boulevard. You're like, oh my God, that's still there? Yeah. The one with Valley Girl. Valley Girl will really kill you. Yeah. Swat. What?

When they were shooting Swat, I lived in that neighborhood. I don't know Swat. Swat, the last one they just shot in 2005. Yeah, with the Irish guy. On the corner of, they shoot that on Wilcox. Look at the sign, that's Wilcox and Hollywood Boulevard. I lived right around the fucking corner. When they did the bus and the people escape

and all that, so it's really weird when you live on the East Coast and you've never come out here. Yeah, the best case scenario is that show 24. Jack Bauer would go from like Simi Valley to Venice Beach in like 15 minutes. You know, he'd be all over the place in that scenario. Oh, you got less than zero.

She went from Beverly Hills to Yuma. Yeah. Yuma. What's the beach? What's the beach? The Yuma Beach. The Yuma Beach? I think so.

They're like, where's Adrian? Well, he likes to go to the Yuma Beach. And like, it took him like eight minutes. There was no traffic. In no scene, less than zero was there traffic. I know. And there was like eight people on the beach. Yeah.

Jumping up and down. Which is funny, because I actually did read the book, believe it or not. And they mentioned traffic in that book a lot. I think it was when traffic was just starting in the 80s. Like LA was starting to get out of control in the 70s, I think, and all the smog and everything. I ended up reading that book.

After or before the movie? I didn't see the movie when it came out. I read the book first, and then I didn't see the movie until like the year 2000 or something. So you were, when you read the book, was the movie out yet? Yeah, the movie has been out forever. And the book is nothing like the movie. How long did the book come out before the movie?

I really don't know. But I don't think it was that long. I remember I rented that. When I finally did rent that movie, it was like, it was a weird thing with my video store clerk. I was like, hey, where's less than zero? I want to watch that movie.

And he's like, it's in the GNL section. And he's like looking at the table. I'm like GNL, he's like gay and lesbian. And I was like, all right. And he just seemed like really weird with me after that. We were like boys until that moment. And then all of a sudden he thought that was fucking weird. The guy that turned me on to that movie,

like I wouldn't like those type of movies. Like I don't like those Hollywood type movies. And the guy that turned me on to that movie was a big time cokehead who smoked it. And when that went to his house to do something, he goes, hey, you're watching less than zero. He goes, you gotta watch it. And he has that shit down to a science.

He's gotta be getting high. He looks like he's getting high in that movie. I'm like, really? And I watched the movie. And he's got the shit around his gum and he's sweating. He goes to his father's house. It just last night disturbed me.

Oh yeah? Cause now I'm seeing what it reminded me of me at that age. Less than zero is a movie about a fucking kid who's a junkie and he's got, he lives in this unrealistic fucking world of Beverly Hills where the first Christmas party, there's 200 TVs at the Christmas party. They just have people dancing.

This is just unrealistic. But it probably does happen. These are the sons of movie stars. There's no parents around none of the movies. When he went back to his house, he went into a gym that topples fucking golds in Venice. You know what I'm saying? They have tons of money.

But I watched the movie and I was thinking of canceling my spot at the store. Like I said, until he started throwing the figure, $50,000 or so. And then he went to his friend, Andrew McCarty, and he goes, I need the $50,000. They gotta put me to suck dick. Cause remember he was finally fucking dick.

That's why I was in the GNL section. Right. They would just pick him up and just drop him off the suck dick. Right. And the bullies from Karate Kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it Zapka?

I don't know who it was. Was it the main guy? I forget. Or was it Spare, or was it, ah, fuck, whatever. One of those fucking guys that was big in those 80s. Yeah. Is the guy that's driving them. Then he escapes and he goes, what's his name?

But it's weird. You ready for this? This is scary. This is why I had to get out of the house last night. Because when he started talking about $50,000, I still know a guy of 40 grand. Oh my God. Fuck.

40? Probably. Is the guitar player? No. No, no, no, no, no. That's a lot of money. How long does that take to write up that annual? Is there interest?

Two months. What? But I was front in the quarter, four ounces at a time. Uh-huh. So listen to him. He's stressing out Luke. Oh, no, no, no. This movie was stressing me out.

Just thinking about it. Right. That I owed this one guy 40. I owed her partner, his partner, $20. And I owed their friend another. I was in the family. Why am I nervous? Jesus Christ.

I was in the $30,000 league. Yeah. 1986, I'm 23 years old. Yeah. And that's exactly what I owed. Hazy Shade of Winter. I was behind $100,000 in cocaine money. That's insane.

You can't even fucking imagine that. I can't. And he had borrowed money for a restaurant in that movie. He wanted to borrow $50,000 for a restaurant to open up a business or something. It failed. This was, I would just go to somebody and go, I need that.

Again, they would go, where's the money from the original? I gave it out. I'm waiting on the front. I had to pay for this. Just give it to me again. Next time I see you, I'll pay you the whole time. And I would show up again with a story. And they kept giving you?

Then I would go back to the guy and go, listen, I've been bullshitting you. I got robbed two weeks ago. I just didn't have the heart to tell you. You got to make me start over again. He would give me another half a kilo. Holy shit. It was just because...

Were you keeping track of what you owed? Or was he? Oh yeah, I was keeping track. I knew in my mind he wasn't going to see Dick. Right. I knew in my mind he wasn't going to see Dick. And then one day I went to a bar and I bumped into it. Him and her were getting it together.

So they would get it cheaper. So I bumped into her and she's like, why don't you ever get shit from me? I'm like, I would, but I'm with this other girl. And he goes, no, now and you're from me. Follow me home. I'll give you a half a kilo. Okay.

Yeah. I'm going to turn it down. You know, in those days, people come up to you and go, can you, you know anybody who does coke? No. Why? I was going to give you a couple of ounces to see if you can move.

Just leave me here, maybe. The fuck out of here. I was going to be in that bag as soon as you walked up the fucking door. I was going to say, how much of that 100 grand did you snort and how much did you sell? All of it. You snorted all of it?

You know, somebody gives you fucking. Somebody gives you... Oh my God. Eight ounces of coke. They want 1200 a piece. Okay. What's eight times 12? 96.

96. Okay. So now you got to give him $9,600. Let's say you bump into it. I'm just saying this as just, let's say you bump into cake quickly. You have $9,600 worth of cocaine in your pocket. You throw a cut on that.

And you're going to make 15,000 and you're still going to keep an eye on for yourself to fucking go crazy. But guess what? You go to the comic store, you give a little bit to this guy, you give a little bit to that guy. You sell most of it.

And now you start getting all that cash, right? It's not your cash. So now you're at the comic store. It's 10 to two. You got $6,000 in your pocket. Cake quickly is looking bad in the motherfucker. And she's like, well, I really can't go to my place because then you're like, fuck, let's go to the standard.

It's not your money. But what do you give a fuck? It's four in the morning. Cake quickly is dead. And you got six ounces of cocaine in your pocket. You're going to light a pussy on fire. You're going to do everything at the hub and make a mop.

You know what I'm saying, okay? So what are you going to do? You're going to play fucking. Well, I can't take you home because my mother, no. You're going to whip out the six grand. You're going to whip out that six grand and you're going to get the best room at that stand. This is cake quickly.

You got the body of a thoroughbred, okay? And you're going to go up there and guess what? What are you going to do when you go there? What are you going to do? You might have some coke on you. You might want to break that out. What are you going to drink? Pink guys, water?

No, so that refrigerator, that's $8 a bottle. You're doing the whole thing and you're getting another case. You're going to call them and say, look, I got this little blonde up here. Send me up another refrigerator because this is going down. How much is the refrigerator? 800, don't matter.

Bring one up. It's not my money, don't matter. And that ounce that you were supposed to sell, cake quickly is a fucking vacuum. And for you to eat an ounce, there goes that ounce, Jack. Plus the one you're going to take on in the morning. And what are you going to do on the level

when they call you? Mr. Sayada, you check it out and you look over and she's passed out with no panties on. Are you going to check out now? I'm going to stay here for another day. By the way, you got room service, send up 18 eggs, baking, everything. Because I got a blonde next to me

and I still got half a bag left. And she doesn't even know what country she's at. Now you're 40 grand in debt. And now you're 40, that's how good you are. You just dropped 6,000. I can't tell you how anxious I am for you. You just dropped six Gs. In 12 hours.

That whole fucking night. You know how many nights I went out? I remember one night I went out with four ounces of Coke. The guy's like, what time am I going to be on? All right, let's just go to New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, 84, 85. This guy, I'd been working this pigeon for a month. He had heard all the rumors.

He was watching me like a hawk. He was giving me an eight ball at a time. And then I worked myself up to a quarter. But I knew the day was coming. I was going to get him off guard. And then the hour and I was getting him up to a half ounce. And he, what time are you going to meet me with this money? I'm going to see you tonight for the third.

He knew. Never to give me the Coke and say tomorrow. No matter how or you're not going to get it. If you're going to give it to me at midnight, you better get to that ball or any ball in that vicinity by three, because I'm at one of those balls trying to pick up. Trying to hook up with somebody and take him to a hotel. So he would meet me again at 2, 230.

So for like three, two months, I had to be by the ball with him. Then New Year's, he's like, did I tell you, man, I'm going away at five o'clock. And I'm going to have to give you more. And by this time, we're fine. And he gave me two ounces. Big mistake. He goes, call me at midnight.

And I go, I'll call you with the money at midnight. Sure. The fuck out of here. By eight in the morning, I was in the car to Crestkill. I never saw that motherfucker again. Because that's when he was, and I was broke. That ounce he gave me, that went that night. Because once, it's like I told somebody the other day,

just do a bump. A buddy of mine struggled with drugs, a young kid. And I said, listen, I'd rather you do a bump a week. Delusion month. Right. And he goes, I can't throw a bump. I always turn into an A-ball, then so be it. It always does.

Nobody just does a bump. Once you open up the bump, you just walked into Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. Now you got two hours to fucking kill him. I'm saying, so it's just, that's how fat. Lee, I went through, Lee, I was making money and still out snorting and outspending my makings. Like it was, I had three different drug dealers at once.

So how do you feel walking around with $100,000? And it's not like Capital One, wherever they call you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's get something straight. What? Nobody in 1986, not me, I never had more than $8,000. No, no, no, I'm saying that you owed $100,000

to someone who, it's not like Capital One, where they call you like, hey, we want this money. It's like, they're gonna. They swing a bat at you. Yeah, like how do you feel? First of all, these three people were not gonna swing a bat at me. Oh my God.

They were gonna threaten me. You're gonna give Lee a heart attack. And try to talk to me, they were not gonna swing a bat at me. Okay. They were gonna let me work it off. Gotcha. We're gonna get them more and more and more in a hole.

Right. The last lady, yeah, it was just gonna keep getting them. There's no coming back from that. Were you the exception? Do other people get away with stuff like that? Or was it just you? Listen, if you don't try it, no, in those days, you gotta remember what it turned from 1980 to 84,

it went from everybody having acid to everybody having coke, then they flooded the market. Then people will come up to your house, like your brother-in-law is a Spanish dude that's married to your wife. Sure. And he's always been a nice guy.

But all of a sudden they started driving a Cadillac, and all of a sudden they go on a Puerto Rico, and you're like, what are they doing? And one day he comes up to you and he's like, hey man, I don't know if you'd get rid of this. And you're like, I have a few friends, I know Lee, I know Joey, and they're fucking Renee, whatever, they snore a little coke.

But he leaves you a fucking four ounces. Yeah. Okay, what you're gonna sell us is an eight ball a week. Pretty soon you're gonna start doing a bump, and then you wanna do a bump, then you go on the road, and pretty soon you snore an ounce. Right. So now you gotta cut the coke

to make the profit back from shitty coke. It was always, your question was, how do I walk around? How do you feel, yeah? How today? No, no, no, that day, when you check out of the hotel finally, and you're just going to pink dot, are you looking over your shoulder, or are you? No, not at all, not at all.

So you don't think that guy cares about that money anymore? Oh no, I bumped into him. Okay. I left in 86 in the middle of the night. When I left Snowmass, I owed him 40, the chick 20. The other chick, like 30. I had like 10 people, I owed 5,000 to them. Wow.

You know, like 10 people, I would say invest with me. Give me 5,000, I'll give you back 7,502 days. Burn God. Right. But it was, and I think about it today because how stupid can you be? You know what I'm saying? How stupid can you be?

I had like four, five people I owed 5,000 less to. Yeah. The video store, I just cleaned out. Oh yeah. The video store, I worked at, I just took everything good. Projectors, I took everything that night. And would you go back to work, or was that the last day?

They wrote my wife a letter to video people. Oh yeah? Like Christmas, we left Thanksgiving week. Thanksgiving of 86, I just snapped. I just snapped. I went to city market in Snowmass. I go to the turkey. I was supposed to pick it up on Thursday.

I must have invited 15 people to my house. But Thanksgiving day on Thursday, okay? I had this whole thing planned. I had this, this, and I was on the spring for the whole thing. Even though I owed $80,000, I'm springing for $2,000. And I finally got my last investor. Him and his sister were partners on this restaurant called Paula Friends.

Okay. And he was the cook in the back. The real fucking Momo. And he was like, hey, how do I invest with you? I want to do that. And I held them off. He was like my last, he was like the one I was gonna hit. But I held them off for so long

that he couldn't wait to give me the money. Like I was gonna give you $500, but I'm willing to give you $1,000 now. Hold on to it. Went through something big comes up, you know what I'm saying? Like I had three of those guys that were dying to give me money. I knew they were grapes.

I knew they were always gonna be grapes. They just want to give away that money. Yeah, they couldn't wait to be in a Coke business. They couldn't wait. But they were so anxious, I had to hold them off. Like to make them even hungry. Like, come on, man, we can be more. We're missing out on millions.

So there were guys like that. They would buy Coke from me. And then they would turn their customers on to me like their friends. And they would go, I could sell so much more. Let me be your part. And I'm like, hold on. And then I would just sell them like a line up.

Listen, when we go, when we go deep, you know what I'm saying? I got these meals coming up from Columbia. I would just do the speech from Scarface. I'd have nothing. I had nothing. I barely had food in the fucking house. And I would tell them, listen, I got these meals coming up. When I get these kids six kilos,

can you come up with like 4,000? Yeah. And then we'll make a ton of money. And I'd leave them at that. They'd see me a week later. Man, I thought about your proposition. How about I give you a 10,000? And I'm like, oh, these poor bastards.

You're like the Bernie made off of Coke. This is the crazy. What the fuck? This is horrible. Yeah. And I had all these people. And I had people that I paid back. There were people that I made a lot of money with.

There were people that I respected and they gave me 5,000. And I already had the Coke sold. By the time I got back, I'd give them their 6,200 or 6,500. That's what I did with people. I could see why you went to the store last night. That's a lot to think about. What do you mean? There's fucking debt.

Oh, just in the past. So this is 1986. So I scheduled this big Thanksgiving dinner. Now, at that time, my paranoia had skyrocketed. I knew the DEA was watching me. I knew the local council were watching me. So I couldn't snort in my house anymore. OK.

So I would go to league and go league. Come here. I'm watching you leave me alone in your house tonight. What are you talking about? I'll go to the stand-in. I want you to get a hold down and get the fuck out. Don't come back. I'm bringing a chick over and I want you to come back.

And you go, OK, give me 200 bucks. So I would go to his house. That's how bad my paranoia was. And while I was at his house, I'd still go crazy. Looking out the windows? I'd still go through the windows, taking the phones out. Oh, my god. Taking them apart.

I was one of those guys ripping up carpets. Holy shit. I became what's his name? What's the guy that Eddie? What's the fire that broke his fireplace? Oh. Because Tony Ferguson, he said there was Martians living in the state.

FBI bugged his fireplace. I was one of those people. I thought you were talking about mayhem. So Thanksgiving of 86, that Thursday I was supposed to have a big party. But that Wednesday afternoon, I picked up two ounces of this coke. Yeah.

That was fucking phenomenal. I went to my buddy Kato's house and I gave him like an eight bomb. I go, Kato, you got to go. He's like, where am I going to go? I go, fucking the hell. I don't give a fuck. You want this eight ball or not?

Yeah. He took the eight ball and he disappeared. And fucking I stayed in his apartment all night Wednesday snorting. Forget about Thanksgiving. I fucking snorted. What do you do when you snort cocaine by yourself? You just hang it out?

Jerk off. I had a girl that would come over and suck my dick. I'd put coke on her pussy and put coke on her titties. She was like married. She lived on like D24. I mean, it was just terrible. She would come over. So there was like three or four different condominium

things up in snowmast. There was the creek side. There was the battleship. And then I used to, I did construction work on one that had four apartments. So I stole the keys to all four of them. So I would go into different apartments when the people out of town just snort coke.

I was crazy. So that whole day Thanksgiving, I didn't come home. My poor girlfriend at the time was like... She had a host without you? Oh yeah. With your friends? With my friends. No turkey because I never picked up the turkey.

I ordered the turkey from the guy's special. That guy never talked to me again. Oh my God. I waited all day for you with the turkey. I couldn't kill him because he was gonna kill him and then give him to me. Oh my God. I was one of those assholes.

You lived with a live turkey all day? Oh yeah. Holy shit. I fucking walked in my house Friday at 11 o'clock. And my girlfriend ended up becoming my wife. Which is heartbroken. She's like, listen man, I've had fucking 50 people here, people calling for you.

And then I went on a fucking scab in John. I said, okay, we're out of here Saturday night. Let me just beat these guys. And I went to that dude from Paul to France. I got him for like six months. I got him for like six months. I got him for like six months. I got him for like 6,000 or something.

I had another guy I went to for like 2,000. Then I had this bag of pot I bought. I bought this bag of weed. Yeah. Did you even smoke pot back then? Oh yeah. I was my main thing. I had this bag of pot that I bought for fucking 300 bucks.

That looked like it would put you on Mars, but did nothing to you. Okay. You could smoke for two hours straight. Nothing, absolutely nothing. But it looked tremendous. Gotcha. So the lady, Neely, that I owed maybe 25th at the time.

Yeah. I was all packed up. Packed up at six or seven cash in my pocket. My girlfriend's crying at the house. I don't want to leave here. We had a dog, Hercules. We had a Mazda, a two door Mazda. The thing was fucking bouncing from all our clothes and shit.

And she's like, what are we gonna do for coke? I got one last idea. Give me that pound of weed. I took that pound of weed and I knocked on, and then it was Neely. I knocked on the door. What's that expression? My head, my heart, my head.

Yeah. My, my, my hat. Your hat in your hand. My hand. Yeah. And she goes, you better have my mother. I go, what can I talk to you for now? That's a no.

I don't know where the fuck you've been for the last week, but you, your bill is fucking growing and I'm charging you inches. And I'm like, listen. She goes, what's in the bag? I go, listen, I got a problem. I'm trying to solve this. Okay.

I'm really working hard. She goes, I found out you owe somebody else. She didn't know about Jay. Right. Jay was the guy I owed 40 to 50. Yeah. So I go, listen. You see this weed here?

This came from a Y. This pound is like 12, one of ours. This is an attic talking. Yeah. I could sell you out of your pants then. Right. This is what I'm going to do. Give me two ounces of coke.

I ain't giving you shit. Listen to me. I'm going to give you two ounces of coke and the keys to my house. I was leaving anyway. I will be back here in an hour with your $4,000. Yeah. She looked at me, looked at me back and forth.

Like, why would I lie to you? I'm trying to make money here. Plus I'm not a thousand off our tab. This is how good of a deal I've got. And she looked at me and she's like, if you're not back here in an hour with my money, I swear to God, they got to shoot you in the fucking head. I'm like, fine.

Give me the ounces and give me the glass. Don't give me the shit. You give the Russians. Right. Give me the glass. So she's like, I mean, this coke was beautiful. And she goes, when are you going to be back here? I go, nine o'clock.

Fuck you. I got my car headed south, Jack. Holy shit. That bitch is still waiting for that pound of weed. So now this is 86. I go to Aspen. I go to Boulder. Did you drive there?

Dropped to Boulder from Aspen that night. Gotcha. We stopped at four different hotels. Checked in and checked out. We were going to a hotel, empty our stuff, do two lines of coke, get paranoid and go. Really?

It was horrible. Horrible. I was there with this girl. Yeah. When I put this poor girl through no one that she don't let me talk to her, my kid. Oh my God. Four hotels.

We could stop. That's a lot. Do a line of coke, fucking look at each other for a minute and then go. We got to go. Would you get your money back every time or you just lost that money? We would just leave.

We got to do nothing. Wow. So we did that. We got back to Boulder. We finished the coke for two days. We fucked and sucked. Uh-huh. And we had like, you know, $60.

I mean, knowing this is how much an addict that we could have sold an ounce to start a new life. I made $2,000. We just didn't, you know? That's the mind of an addict. Sure. So I lived in Boulder. Got arrested in 88.

Got married in 89. Got separated in 91. In 91, I'm already doing comedy. Maybe that November, I'm feeling down about myself. I go, let me go up to Aspen. So four years later, I'm gonna go to a place where I owe a hundred grand. There's 50 people pissed off at me.

You know, they backtraced and realized what I had, the damage I had done. Yeah. 83. Yes. Shoplifting and doing all this damage. And I rent the car and I go to Aspen. And I go, let me go to Snowmass first.

The place where I actually owed the fucking money. Right. And I go to Snowmass Mall, whatever the mall is called up in the top. Yeah. Walking right there. What a surprise. And I get out of the car and I'm not in the mall.

I walk, it's an outdoor mall. I'm gonna go to get a bowl of stew at the stew pot. Yeah. And I'm not in the mall. Two minutes. Fuck. When I see the guy, I owe 40,000. Jesus Christ.

Walks up to me with this new girl and he's like, man, how are you doing? Great to see you. I gave him a hug. Like nothing happened. My heart was beating a little bit. I didn't have a weapon on me. I didn't know what was going on.

Yeah. He asked me what was going on. I said, I lived in fucking Oldenham. I'm doing stand-up comedy. And he goes, that's great. He goes, can I ask you something? What about him to that money you owed me? I go, brother, it was drug money.

It was water under the bridge. He shook my hand and he walked away. Wow. He just let you out. 40,000 dollars. Dude. What can I do? What can he do?

What can you do? What can you do as a human being? Like what can you do? Like there was a one guy owed money to him bold. I knew exactly how much I owed him, 1600. He was a sweetheart of a guy. I called him back on that three years ago. I sent him the money.

Oh, cool. Yeah. I sent him the 1650 and I put the extra 100 on top. Nice. He was so happy. Yeah, that's great. You know, there was some people who I beat that I feel bad about.

There's other people who played the game and weren't prepared for it. Right. You know, in my world, after the first 10,000, I gotta put a bullet in your leg. Right. You're not the words gonna get out that you could beat me.

Yeah. And that can't get out because that's my business. Yeah. Since he didn't shoot me or didn't smack me, didn't do nothing. So what are you gonna do? What's the chick gonna do? Right.

What's she gonna do? No, she's not willing to do it. And what's the other one gonna do? Yeah. The last one, the one I told you, I gave the week that she was here now. Oh, yeah. She was in that life.

She's somebody's personal manager. No kidding. Personal assistant or some shit. Oh my God. Have you run into her? What do I give a fuck? I thought of the same story. That was 30 years ago.

Suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940. You're gonna come hit me up percentage of 30 years ago. Go fuck yourself. I love how you tell them it's water under the bridge. I know. I love water under the bridge.

I love water, yeah. That's what I'm gonna say to Citibank. What do you want? Yeah. You got into the drug business. Obviously, you weren't prepared to cover the spread. Right. And somebody beat you.

You got fucked. And you got fucked. And that's just... But you were wide open. Oh. Looking poorly. Oh, yeah. Me, it's gonna be fine.

You did none of this. I used to have fun. This is all Joe liked fun to me, you know? People knocking on your door. If you're in there, we're gonna kill you. And I'm gonna giggle in the back. God. With a gun.

You ain't gonna do nothing. Because if you bust that door, I'm gonna shoot you right in the fucking head. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you don't know what to say. So, you really like Scarface doing lines and holding a gun and watching your door? That's so funny.

I was that sick at one time. That's so funny. But you didn't go to AA or anything, did you? You just figured it out. I just figured it out. Yeah. I tried going a couple months, but it wasn't for me.

Got you. I just, but you get to a point where you're crawling on the floor. I used to remember dumping an ounce in the toilet, flushing it, and then the Coke stuck to the side of the toilet and the whole towel, and me taking my finger and licking it off the toilet. I mean, and sticking it in my nose, cocaine juice.

I would stick it in my nose. I mean, this is the sickness. This is the mind of an addict. Right. I'm happy you never got into that shit that way. You know, reefer is the only way. Reefers the shit. Reefer never made nobody,

well, you couldn't owe somebody $40,000 if you wanted to. No way. Unless you bought the farm. Right. You know what I'm saying? Let's say, come up and go give me the farm. Come up here in a week and I'll have your cash. I'll give you for the farm, for the crops.

But just going through that last night, it's just a sick life. Yeah. It seems like so long ago. Woo, it's gonna be finally. Nah, fuck it. And now Joey died for your sins. Now you're doing weed tie and drinking smoothies.

What's that got to do with it? That's just crazy how things can change. Things have to change. I guess so. You can't. You have to evolve. I mean, listen, I didn't, I did some, you know, that girl. When I talk about it here and how she took my daughter

and all that shit, I don't even want people to think I wasn't innocent. I'm saying that girl smartened up one day and said, what the fuck was I going through? I put, I pulled girl through six years of hell. Right. I still remember being in her brother's wedding party. And hug leaving on Wednesday going,

so you're flying in Saturday morning and be like, ah, we're gonna, and she's like, bring the coke. I had this pink coke. It was so good. I had two ounces. You flew with it? No, I gave it to a friend of mine. Oh, okay.

The hold is safe. It was so good that I gave it to you and said, hold it in your safe. You didn't get high. It was another Christian friend of mine. Right. I go, hold it to your safe till this date. I don't want that coke around.

I will pick it up on this day at this time. And I went up to that house at one o'clock on a Friday. I was supposed to be on a plane on Saturday morning at eight to get the boulder at like 10. And the wedding was at one. When I got to my buddies, I went home at three o'clock. So let me just do a blast. I did a blast.

Do you know, she came back on Wednesday and I had not. I was still snoring. Come on. Ah! 40 later. Two days later. Oh man. Tuesday I'm exaggerating.

Tuesday she walked in and I was doing the talent of the last half ounce. Right. Never made it to the wedding. Dude. The fucking dog didn't pee. Oh. I didn't let the dog out for the first 24 hours.

I was by the door just looking at me. Yeah. With pee coming out of his fucking ears. Yeah. I mean, it was a different fucking world. Yeah. And it's going to be November 8th. It's going to be 12 years that I'm awake in that world.

Yeah man. Yeah, that's, it becomes a job. You never got hooked on nothing Matthew. No. I mean, I used to be way more into booze than I am now. I used to drink a lot, but I don't know. I didn't, it didn't really disrupt my life as far as I know. But, you know, they put me in a lot of bad moods.

That's for fucking sure. Real quick, before I go any further, I got to read a quick ad before I forget because I always fucking forget. Yeah. Listen, the church of what's happened now is sponsored by Upstart. Most of us find out the hard way,

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This is the way to go. Upstart. Matt, what's on tap for you? The podcast just came out today. Roadheads on iTunes. You have another podcast also. The Full Charge Power Hour, that's a lot of fun if you want to listen to that.

How do you do that with? I do that with a guy, a friend of mine named Craig Coleman. Okay. And I got a movie reviewer. That's a little out of his mind. He's the star of the show, because he says the craziest fucking things. Check that out, thefullcharge.com.

And fuck, I'm doing a show with you coming up, aren't I? What? Maybe. I think he told me New York and Massachusetts, but if I'm wrong, I don't know. Yeah, you could do it. You could do it. Oh, okay, okay, I thought you mentioned that.

Oh, okay, well, I'm doing that. I'm in Atlantic City. If you don't want to do that, it's fine. I just, okay, Atlantic City, first week in November, I'm doing the Bergada, and I'm going to Australia with Tom Segura in January. You got the world by the back. Yeah, man, it's exciting.

And you're right there in the middle of it. You're still coming up with new material. You're always killing in front of me. Thanks, man. That's why I use you. Thank you. Because you're a fucking savage. Thank you, man.

I appreciate that. We met a long time ago. Absolutely. Pain, fucking comedy. Comedy store, baby. Pot luck. Pot luck doesn't we met? Yeah.

Yeah. Pot fucking luck, man, full truck. The years are going, buddy, but we're still in the fucking game, man. Just keep going. And that's all that fucking matter. What else is there to do? What do you got scheduled for this week?

What are you doing this? This week, I'm at, yeah, I'm doing the Ice House on Tuesday. I'm doing the Laugh Factory tonight. I'm doing the Long Beach Laugh Factory on Wednesday, and I'm doing the Ontario Improv all weekend for Chris Porter, opening for Chris Porter. Really?

Yeah. Okay, good feeling, man. So check me out if you can. So you're rocking the fucking road. Oh, dude, I do the standup comedy. I can't stop. This is why I fucking love you, man. I'm happy you came on.

Yeah, this is the best. I love hanging with you. I'm happy you came back for a few fucking days. Listen, don't go nowhere. Do not forget, 11 fucking eight and 11, nine. November eight and ninth, I'm at the Funny Bone in Omaha, Nebraska. And then November 29th and 30th,

I'm at the motherfucking Miami Improv. And do not forget, we just added a second show in New York City at Town Hall on the sixth. That's it, and that's that. Real quick before you get the fuck out of here. Let me talk to you about a few fucking things, caucuses like this. All right, number one, like I told you in the beginning,

listen, we're six, seven weeks into football and you're still fucking around. All right, why you keep picking winners and not betting them is beyond me. That's why I go to my bookie. It's fast, it's easy, and they pay when you win. Let's face it, where you're betting is just as important as where you're betting on.

So stop fucking around. If you're trying to be on the NFL, the World Series, UFC, whatever, my bookies got it. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they're not the fucking best out there. So do the smart thing. If you're gonna bet this football season, bet with my bookie.

Did you know you can bet on games after kickoff? You got options with my bookie. And by the second half, it looks like your bet's gonna lose. Who gives a fuck? You can always take the other side. That's the kind of shit my bookie does. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little

and win a lot, you better fucking parlay. If the picks come through, you multiply your fucking winnings. And no matter how you bet, the NFL season is the best time of the year because right now you got to fucking listen. Starting next week is just basketball. The lines are soft.

If you're not betting NBA next week, go fuck yourself. I'm telling you, you can make money. Everybody knows about the NFL lines. You're fucking dead. But with basketball, you can make money. So double your deposit today. Use promo code church to get 100% bonus

on your initial deposit. Like, Joey, what the fuck are you talking about? What I'm telling you is if you give me a nickel, I'll match a nickel. That's what my bookie does for you. Who else does that for you? Nobody. Go to mybookie.ag.

That's my bookie. Grab that fucking pentagon, you dumb fuck. MYBOOKIE.AG. And don't forget to use promo code church when creating your account to claim the bonus. And don't forget, with my bookie, you play, you win, you get paid. Don't forget to check my Instagram Thursday.

I'm dropping a video for my bookie on there, how to make bets and whatnot, all right? You'll be saying, Uncle Joey is my fucking bookie. Go to Mad Flavors World. Right now, go to mybookie.ag and the code church and W deposit. It's that easy. The church would also love to thank Zip Recruit.

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All right, so do me a favor. Go to Upstart.com slash church. I wanna thank Upstart. I wanna thank Zip Recruiter and I wanna thank my bookie, but most importantly, I wanna thank you motherfuckers for always having my back. Do not forget about my man, Matt Pultron this week. If you're in the LA area, come by.

This guy's my main man. We go on the road together. He's my brother and he's funny as fuck. And don't forget two weeks, the funny bone Omaha, Nebraska. Get those fucking steaks ready, cocktuckers. Get those steaks ready. And Thanksgiving weekend,

I'll be at the fucking Miami Improv. Friday and Saturday, December 6th with Matt Pultron in Manhattan. Rocking you motherfuckers. Second show's been at it. Cut the shit. Go to joeydeas.net for all the details and everything you got going on.

And that's it and that's that. It's fucking Tuesday. Go out there and knock them out of a park. Look somebody out and tell them suck your dick. It's that type of day, all right? I wanna thank Matt Pultron. Thank you Joe. I wanna thank you guys.

I wanna thank the fucking crazy Christ killer. But I wanna thank you guys for being loyal and for always being family. From oaky spooky to my man in Chicago, to fucking all you cocksuckers out there. I know who's watching. To Kern Michael, all you motherfuckers. Stay black, have a great day.

Kick this fucking meal, Leigh. A little Tony Bennett for these cock suckers. You're a poet, Joe. You know how I feel. You know how I feel. I wanna be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Sun somebody twice as smart as I.

Or somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see. I mean, I wanna be around to see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits.

Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine. And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. As I sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you, like you.

Broke by.