Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #731 - Pablo Francisco

Episode Date: October 29, 2019

Pablo Francisco, a stand up comedian with many specials and appearances on "MADtv" and "The Tonight Show," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Athletic Greens - Get 20 free travel packs worth $79 when you go to www.athleticgreens.com/church MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Check out Joey's Instagram @madflavors_world on Thursday for a new video where Joey teaches you how to gamble. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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They're saying what's he saying joey? Don't worry Get up dance with us move those hips That's the best fucking piece of ass you'll ever get your gentile cops under that spanish pussy comes to non blue So fucking you'll be split the seeds. Here you go Here we go Why not? Here we go It's tuesday. You're feeling down. Go fuck yourself get up

You Are you kidding me or what boss stop the syringes Oh Are you fucking kidding me or what you got to get that fucking blood bouncing You know whether you have spanish blood or not one of your grandmother's Suck the spanish dick at one time or another Stop getting yourself. It's a church. What's happened now? We're coming out the gate on a tuesday morning for starters

I want to thank you if you came to the stress factory In new brunsett this week and you motherfuckers were off the chain if cameras were there. Fuck everybody We would have a great special But that's what made it better. No cameras were there. No nothing just you savages It was great to see my family. It was great to see Kids that I was 15 with uh, you know We talked about robbing a van and we did a bunch of shits He just said I love it one of my friends shows up and he sits in the front row

Now you guys can ask him if what the fuck i'm talking about is true and this kid was right He didn't live next door to me. He lived next door to the next door Okay, so him and I and his brother God rest his soul We fucking ran together every day And he used to have a lot of acne and I remember one day he had a pimple above his lip And it was a white head with a black head in it And he bit into a hamburger and the pimple broke

You'll never forget that. Oh as long as I could live to be 180 Oh god And I still remember that pimple busting like a little package of mustard Right on his hip and he just ate it Because he didn't know it that little mustard seed I like 40 years later. He still can't live it down with him. I didn't say it Oh, you didn't bring that out. His skin looked great. He looked great. That was in and out It looked fucking tremendous

His skin looked tremendous. But at that time we We would torture him all the fucking day. What do you call him? I don't even know but he used to be funny Like he was a naturally funny guy and we had a kid that had big ears And I remember one day we were sitting there with stone to the gills And the kid was very sensitive And everybody would call him big ears and he would lose his mind And my friend this kid Michael was doing something and I saw him take two albums

Out of their covers like two regular right, you know that you put on a photograph, right? And he took a newspaper and he opened it up So it was like a newspaper with us an album cover on this and an album on this side And he goes who am I sabbatino reading the paper? Let me tell you something. We fucking died a laughter But I told the story about my first me too experience Which I had never told before it happened in 1979 so you can't press charges What happened those come on me him? Carlos Perez Dominic special on this other kid

My mother was in home And we got fucked up on crystal thc aka angel dust divided by the square root Divided by the square root. We drank a bunch of shit. We drank like a case of nips In an hour and a half. That's eight beers a piece There's like five of us. We drank like nine or ten beers We did like a pint of southern comfort. We were felt good stuff and we smoked a bunch of dope They were going to a party, right? But I had a crush on this lady There was two girls in my neighborhood named the cartonelli sisters

Who were finer one was better than the other one the older one was engaged The kid that was basically my brother, right? And the other one was just a beautiful beautiful girl that dated a couple guys in the name But I never had any sexual encounters. We grew up together We were we were goombas. I really like Kathy But our mother, you know, the apple don't fall far from the tree, right? The mother was banging when I was 13 Yes, the mother like was the hottest thing on the planet to me like yeah fair of force. Yeah, those fair of force

Sure lad kind of look in yeah, but this motherfucker was in front of me every day She had big real fucking titties and she'd wear a halter top Oh, yes, and she had a flat stomach with shorts and she wear flip-flops And her feet were always dirty, but she had Two french poodles that were blind, right? So she'd have to cross the street with them and put lame down on the park Right and we'd be playing basketball and I throw the basketball over just so it slide next to her So you could see her titties and you're at that age when you're just going home

Like I would see her tits and have to go behind the tree and bang one out You're at that age where you just got a jerk off because you can't take it no more you got to bang one out Outside No inside in the mausoleum. Yeah outside like I mean that's how hot she was leaving you're 13 And you're a young man 13 14 you're going through a bag of fucking emotions and I came from a catholic neighborhood Right, so it wasn't like girls were giving up shit and I wasn't looking to get it because I came from a catholic neighborhood Right, so you're walking around, but you're you're inside to telling you something different You want you want to fucking suck and you know, but you don't know about coming in mild jet and coming in people's eyeballs

You just want to crack a nut when you're 13, you know So I mean I she was the the prettiest thing I had ever seen in my life. Was she single? No, she was divorced. She was divorced like mr. Cardinale, but now she had if she was 37 36 Her husband was about 55. Well, he had Doremi. So but he knew how fine she was Right, so he would sit on the balcony and watch her while she would walk the dogs Right, and if you got too close to he would go hey get the fuck away from my wife because that's how fucking fine she was So for a year I kept I mean I know since I was 10 You know, I developed around there, but she was just banging and there was no fake tits back then

That was 1975. So yeah, this happened this incident happened 79 She had big fucking juicy titties, but I also know there's something else that whenever I was playing basketball at night And she would walk the dog her husband wouldn't come on the balcony So this would be my chance to get her alone. So I'd really right so at night I would talk to I would go to the basketball courts Just to watch her come out like a 1030, right? And then I talked to her. How you doing miss cardinale? And we talk a little bit and I check around that night. She was even Some night she just wore a bikini top. Yeah, great. Like she just had a great body guys So I'm going through all this shit at home puberty bagging jerking off

And after about six months I said that's it Like I've had enough. I'm fucking fey Like I'm just I'm fucking fey. I don't know how I'm gonna do it I'm fucking fey. I mean I was in love with her So what I went out with those guys to my house. My mother wasn't home. We got fucked up We listened to both sides of Led Zeppelin through We were fired up And they went to a party

And I went and hidden face bushes Until she came down the stairs and I had like little flowers. You should not hire a bush. I swear to my mother's grave Why would I like you you want the fucking truth? I'll tell you the truth. You're a kid. You don't fucking know Flowers, you don't fucking know That's why I think it's unfair Listen if a producer that's 50 and you're 40 on the set But if you're gonna come at me for something I did in college or high school You're just learning your masculinity, right? If he didn't stick it up your ass and beat you to death with Paul

I don't want to hear it You know what I'm saying if he grabbed your teddy and took his dick out in front of you when you're 18 He a man doesn't even know his masculinity. They don't even know that you get these feelings You know, I think about it now because I wrote a joke about it one night. I was thinking about You know, how hard it was for me at that age like The hard-ons and the fucking And the wanting to have sex but you can't because you're catholic You know going to hell me like all that, you know, have a recti or would you forgive in or not?

Who the fuck knows? I mean, I'm just saying that you just feel like You're in the middle of this thing, you don't know whether you could fuck or suck or be evil and then one day you go fuck it I'll just start, you know sucking titties and talking about in confession And then I would go to confession on Sundays and on Saturdays at five and you have to tell on yourself. You'd have to say like I Yeah, like I suck some girls titties, huh? Yeah, the Lord says you cannot fornicate to your marriage. You would have to fuck the ruling or go give me five our fathers Go give me five our fathers. That's you suck at it for five our fathers. Fuck I keep sucking titties and banging banging bitch

And then you just forget to mention it because what are you going to talk about it for? Oh my god So, you know, I was going through this thing and I was in love with faith. So I got flowers Like a bouquet of like dandy lines like some bullshit bouquet and I just hit in the weeds And I saw her come out with her hot pants and the flip-flops And a little hall at the top and I didn't know whether to tackle I was thinking about tackling and giving her the flowers because the dogs are blind They're like on the bark. They're just going to be walking around like what's going on

You know what I'm saying? They got like little blind sticks So I was creeping up on as you turned around And she goes cocoa. What are you doing out? And I go fade listen I'm in love with you And I just blew her mind like she knew me as a little kid. She's like what are you talking about? Flowers in awe. I go fade. I just want to run away with you. You said that really? Yeah, I said those exact Stupid words, you know, right? That's a good one. Listen. We don't even good line

We never like I never forget when I say it good when I say a good joke. I forget it Yeah, it's when you say something stupid to somebody that reminds you for the rest of your life Like you're sitting like I hope they don't remember in 83. Yeah, you run away with me. You drive you run away with me And she's like, what are you talking about? I quite just run away with you and we'll go somewhere and I'll get a job I'm like I'm just gonna be with you. She's like, are you fuck? She didn't say that She knew I was young and she's like, well, that's very sweet of you She goes, what I'll do is this

If you if me and my husband ever have a problem I will keep you in mind like she's just Oh, okay. I was kind of surprised you didn't murder the poor guy. No, and I just stood there like beat red And she took my flowers and I go for it. I really love you And then she got it. She got it. I could tell I'm scared was she had that Harvey Weinstein's face too She was a little scared, you know, I'm 13 And I like it. Can I kiss you? And she goes, yeah, kiss me on the cheek and I kissed her on the cheek

And then I sat there for like three more minutes to stare it down And she's like, are you okay? I want your clothes. I want your tits and I after she let me kiss her My dick was hard. My face was red. You know, my blood was how tall were you 13 adrenaline? I was 5 10 Okay, and I fucking Said the Can I touch your leg? Like that's my me too story. Yeah, and I bent all and I touched like right above her knee cap without her seeing Yes, or she said yes. She said yes. She's like, yes

You know, like if it lets you go like type deal if it if it if this if touching my leg Makes you get the fuck out of here Oh, go ahead and I touched like above her knee cap I felt oh, I re-sperm my head come out of my pants and I just ran home Like fucking like steve's a guy you know Like a fag I ran the fuck home And I just fucking here we go goop or like three days later. I'm like, I'm sorry. She's like, ah, that happens all the time

And that was it and then but About two years ago. I'm at lunch with her son-in-law. Okay, and I go. How the fuck is fade though? And he goes she's still 80 and she's still alive. She goes she lives with us And I go I ever tell you the story. I almost raped the one that is no That I told that him and I are laughing. He's like, I gotta tell you something I go, how's she looking these days? Yeah, right? And he goes. She don't look fucking bad for 80 She still has great tits. She's does a great ass. She's sprinkled up But he goes she's horny as fuck. I go, how do you know he goes? She's always talking about that dinner

Yeah, so one night i'm gonna sit after I tell him this Oh god, I forget about him in a month later. It's called and it's bobby I go, what's up bobby goes hold on somebody wants to talk to you and he put her on the phone She's like, what the hell are you when I need you now? I'm horny and I'm like I'm like, how you doing? Like thank you for telling bobby that story. I had forgotten about it and shit Holy Yeah, that's uh

How would you tag that man just jump in there pull those diapers down? I didn't fuck it off. She's 88 who the fuck knows What's going on with you? Not much man. Just uh, you look good. Thanks, man. You're working on your build Yeah, I'm working on doing a few pull-ups and then I uh, you know, how's the program working? Program's working. Okay, you know, I See here. I hit the meetings once in a while, but man Just going to the meetings, you know, you just got to get the right one because I'm just sick and tired of hi It's my birthday. You know those those kind of meetings and then uh, the ones I'm going to are just pretty good I mean, you got the your regulars and stuff like that. But uh, you clean you're drinking Uh, I'm clean but not drink. I'm drinking water. But uh, okay, you keep it away from the evil

Yeah, I can walk through where I'd ate pretty well, you know and just walk right past the liquor But uh, why why do why do they have yellow caps, you know, always thinking why why don't they put yellow caps on vodka? I wonder you know, just pondering just You know, like how long you've been clean from the powerful Shove, I would say more than I'd say over a year and how do you feel about it? Well, I feel I can get up or more, you know, I get up early in the morning now

I noticed that this morning. You got me back at 8 35 8 35 But then I go back and take a little nap get a little surreal hit take a nap and then uh And then I just uh, I get a heart on that. So I take the vitamins and stuff like that You set me the garlic. I take the garlic. Yeah, three of those. How good are the farts? Yeah, yeah, it's a tear gas. Oh my god. I farted on the other that is pork bastard Right, and it's so I have you do was the thing for those Pablo. What's that? I have you to thank for the garlic tabs the garlic tab. Yeah, but the older list, but no, no, they're not and they really work

Oh, after you can feel it when you sent me that I thought and the powdered that you sent me great Thank you for the water. Yeah, who the fuck sends you I know I had a case of the water. I got a case of water in the man. Who's who sends you water? Pablo? That's the guy that this is the type of guy this motherfucker is But the uh, I read up on the garlic and I gotta tell you something. I felt the results You feel it after about three weeks later, right? I felt the results at kickboxing When I have to do anything Cardio, right? I feel that it

Uh, I always have I'm old and I smoke pot my lungs are in bad shape. Right. I always have uh A fear the first 15 minutes. Okay after you do cardio when I'm well kickboxing Okay, like if I'm doing the myths or something right the first three or four rounds I have a weird feeling to me right and then the next three or four rounds once I get to the six of the seven I loosen up right Since I started the pills. I think I'm getting more blood flow. Yeah Because I'm I have more endurance in the seventh and eighth and ninth round. Right. I'm kicking and punching harder Right, so I could feel that I'm just not doing it for form

I'm actually feeling a difference. You feel clear. Okay, and then I watched that documentary the game changer Yeah, yeah, yeah, and uh, I've been really thinking did you watch it? Yeah, what did you think? Um It makes sense. It makes sense. So the whole thing is that that plant-based diet Really helps with your blood pressure and then all the stuff in the meat it uh It's it's it's it's very frustrating as someone who struggles with weight how they were saying like Oh doctors, you just just say have chicken and fish and and even that's not really good for you. So it's like it's uh It's amazing how how little we know and how how like

It can have that big of a difference like the blood pressure that they showed how it went down and All that it's uh, and it was interesting how they were saying Oh, well, we think we're meat eaters, but Maybe they had the occasional meat, but it's most of the time was probably just veggies and it's uh I don't know. It's I like It's kind of weird. It got me to think and they didn't really talk about this But we're like the only like

Animals that eat for pleasure everyone else just see if you see a dog They just eat what they're eating. It doesn't really matter and where they were like meat tastes good, but That obviously they had some negative things for you I don't meet for me at my age at night. I feel it Do I feel it the next day? No, I don't I don't know what the fuck people are stomachs full I feel sugar the next day I had dessert the other night for the first you know four four ways

We shared spoons and I had dessert And I felt the sugar the next day. In fact, I felt the sugar that I had to go work out just to sweat it out a little bit Yeah, you can take a long one besides that it uh Feels really good. It's weird that You haven't transferred because the whole thing about really ending up an addiction is transferring that addiction Yeah, you can take it and put something in its place. Yeah Uh You know for me it was going back to working out, you know, like I like and I enjoy it

It keeps my powder dry. Right. It keeps my powder dry Whether it's a half hour or an hour and a half a class Hit in the bag at the Y just something that I could put the phone away. Right. That's that's We're essentially escaping right when we're doing a 12 hour fucking run, right? I'm saying So now I do little escapes. What's an escape not having any responsibility for an hour, right? And that's you leave your phone in the car I know my wife is home if something happens at the school or something's gonna pick the kid up Right, that's peace of mind. Absolutely that little hour

Means so much in your life, you know, when you're a young comic Your mind is Obsessed right with succeeding and the industry and your agents And then one day you turn to be 40 and you hear 15 20 years and you see as long as you Stay active and stay true and keep writing. Right. You're always gonna have a job. Yeah, you know, you're always gonna have work and you got some years Becoming kevin hard is a lottery ticket. Yeah, you know Becoming successful just being successful and happy

Is what you're striving for, you know, I'm saying to really have I'm uh, like I told you in the beginning, you know, I got a lot of emails from people Who are struggling with addiction, you know when they listen to the show And they feel better it overcomes them if anybody had an addiction He couldn't shake for a long time beside me. It's you. Oh, yeah, man. It was fun. It was It was all about having fun, man for me. I didn't go my daddy It was all about having fun with me. I mean the thing was I didn't have no problems With my childhood, you know, my daddy and touched me my ass or anything like that

I just was basically having a good time and it just Rolled over and my friends were you when you started drinking started drinking 15 years old It was the first time he did a line of coke. Uh, I did a line of coke at my history teacher's house he used to used to be a Free enterprise in history at our house at our high school And he ended up living down the street from us and we just partied with him And I did metallica's master of puppets came out and I was like to my first line. I was like lips got numb

Teacher was there. It was all good. How old were you? I was uh, 16 Six fucking thing. Yeah, dude rat came out and it was just the best modeling crew just doing lines and just Little potting lines all the time. I could take it too. I was good. I had a good, you know Metabolism back there but then after a while man. Oh god going in this class stone and my god thinking you're gonna get busted and you're just like Just looking around like that and your friends are looking dude your eyes are red I'm like, oh god And I was I thought I was gonna get busted in English class first first period And I was just like my blazing. I was going. Oh my god. I got so stoned and everyone's looking at me going

Man, are you stoned man? If you look high and then the teacher comes and goes, you know what? It's gonna be a movie today and the lights go down. I went. Oh saved saved by the whole thing. So That's how I mean never got high in in high school, right only like with that one time But on the weekends, I'll just go before this. What's the longest you've been cleaning before this? Don't it's two years. There was one major relapse that time uh Found it in my house, you know, it was in between some books and just came out and just had the day off and

It's been you know, a year and a half. Why not do a little bit maintain it? You know, I just Did two days with it and drank. Oh my god tons of beer and then just went back to sober again, but You know just just doing a bomb right now. Who I'm like I kind of use I'm trying to get caught in mouth with that kind of stuff, you know, it's so weird. I'm about Two weeks away from not doing coke for 12 years. You know who I really two weeks away Wow, you're counting that high Good lord, man. Get for you man

When I was the old me, you know, uh I think they told a story on Ari and red bands podcast right about me slamming the computer on red bands finger And I called Brian. Yeah, dad. I go, how do you know this Brian? That was my third month of sobriety I was January Of 2008 and we were at cobs comedy club, right and you know, I got clean like november 10th or something like that of 2007 would just blow just blow right just blow alcohol You know, I wasn't I wasn't really a drinker. Right. My thing was that coke came by myself and how would you come down?

Just do you smoke weed? I smoke weed. I Maybe a pill Okay, whatever you had, you know, but the pills would take me somewhere else. It's funny I watched dolemite last night. Okay, okay, and he says a line in the beginning of that Direct the diner and he gets upset and he goes to his car And he goes, you know, I've been here all this time and nothing has happened in my life and he goes Whatever i'm selling all these buying right and the way he said it and the way he meant it As a comic you get to that point, right? Yeah, well, you're like whatever i'm selling

You don't want to buy whether it's a script right my act You know, i'm just fucking death, you know, and right he becomes you know for me that was uh What made me quit like I was like I either have to fucking Do this or i'm they're not buying what i'm selling no more Right, like yeah, i'm lucked out and picked up some movies and shit like that But i'm not gonna pick them out anymore because the word's gonna get out Right, right the word's gonna get out that this is a big problem

I had already had problems that settle along the shore and I Had problems and I said this other movie I quit this Job over, you know, and I could lie to everybody and say that yeah, I had another job doing mountain dew but I canceled that fucking movie that time and the people came to my house and I pushed the producer That was all cocaine induced wow You know that was all cocaine induced, you know, yeah, you know, I was going coke till six You're gonna come bang on my door at nine. Oh, no, I'll stab me in the lungs and then when I tell you to go away

You keep banging on my door I got a banging headache. I feel bad enough The dealer's already called me twice because I didn't put the $50 in the saddle and took the coat Right, you know, I need you knocking up my daughter go do a a fucking movie Down the corner about the dumbest thing I've ever heard about my life, you know, the word's gonna get out Yeah, I want you the word's gonna get out and I didn't want it to get out and if it did get out, I wanted to correct it with those people You know, right like after I got clean, I wrote a letter to adam like a year later, right and he put me in the movie

You know, I could write Adam a letter and next to dominant one of his movies school, man Like a apology letter or whatever, right? You know, but I'm at that whole incident and cops happened because I was still running A little shaky 90 days ain't shit. Right, right 90 days. This thing could turn in any minute. I know now from talking to Other people who have gone with who we've gone through that It could change any day. So I have to check myself every day, right? I I've I've had it around

I know people have had in their pocket. Yeah, I know it's in certain places that I frequent But it doesn't affect me. I can't think of going back to that line. Oh, yeah, it's uh I can't think of first of all, I think I would die of a heart attack Yeah, man, right off the bat like at this age With what I've done and how hard I've done to repair everything the garlic builds the cardio, right? I think that like this podcast would not still be In fact, if I was doing well, they don't know what people go a lot quicker

No, no, no nobody would show This poor kid would still be here two years ago sitting here waiting for him who shows When you're on coke, it's a 50 50. It's just a 50 50 chance. You're gonna show up. You're not gonna do it You do any plans with me. It's 50 50. Yeah, and like so I know you now or at least I feel like I know you pretty well And like you're You're punctual you you get mad like, you know one other people you're very on your calendar Like what do you what do you feel bad about it in the time? But you're just like, I can't leave the house right now I'm too fucked up or

It's just yeah changes to the point where you think you could you can probably ninja to your way out of it You know get out of the In the situation, you know, you can probably blame it on traffic But I I'd said stupid, you know had stupid excuses. Hey, man, my arm fell off And I really believed itself. Hey, man, my arm fell off, but you know, you get sick all the time. It says, you know, I just remember You know, there's a time where I could not sleep Stop doing coke at four And getting the car at six fifteen and go on a plane ride feel a little creepy at the airport

but this time went on The addiction turned into something different and it got to the point That if I was high till four I wouldn't even leave the house. It's like I would call the comedy club and say I'm getting on the plane I'm headed to the airport, but I wasn't even leaving the fucking house I did it to about four or five comedy clubs before they caught on, you know I think I did it to Joe one time, you know, I mean

And you see how I am about comedy now and you're like, I can't see that It wasn't me. It was Whatever I was doing that was I mean the last year I canceled eight gigs the friday So like so let's say you were supposed to leave friday Thursday night or thursday or on the day you're like, okay, I'm not gonna get high tonight I'm not gonna get high and then at the last second you're like, fuck it. Fuck it. Let me go get a package I'll be fine. All depends how good the show is, you know, if you if you rock you want to breathe up

No, no, no, but I'm talking about even getting down there. Oh get down there. I wouldn't even make it to the plane Like I would leave and I'd have the owner of the club waiting for me at the airport Calling me going, where are you? My plane got delayed. We got debunked to oklahoma And now there's a tornado and they're still gonna go we'll come in tonight. We'll replace you tonight Coming for tomorrow And I would still make up a story like

It was that bad and I think of my life now, you know, if you made it If you made plans with me to see me at one in the afternoon It was all 50 50 Even even on the day. Yeah, I didn't do it in the daytime But when you wake up at eight And you have the depression from the night before Or you go to bed at eight in the morning I go to bed at eight You know, I would I would the last year I would stay up until Terry would wake up to go to work

And then the last half hour she would that was just faking that was sleep where my eyes closed Meanwhile, my heart pounding in the fucking bed and she's getting ready around me And as soon as she would leave I was like it was like a breath of fucking relief I could open my eyes and jerk off one more time and Try to fall back to sleep. So I don't I don't I don't dread those things I don't dread fucking over people Because that's the only part towards the end. You're fucking yourself over

But more or less you're fucking people over I mean and it just this isn't just Myself, you know, I heard he'll tell you I think he'll tell you I already will tell you the last year The last day of crashing he just didn't show You know Rest in peace. I love them with all my heart. I mean, it's well documented And this is where our fucking world falls apart at the end of the phoenix Would disappear for three days

Come back and pay for the production I know a friend he did it to his movie And he gave 120 000 for the day of production And I know for a fact he did a movie in New Orleans and he went out and supposedly somebody slipped them pill in his At the strip club they couldn't get a hold of him. He had to pay for the whole day of production on a schrumpen movie

250 000 You know, that's your nature to disappear I would disappear for three days leave where you could and there was no cell phones in the 80s You just call the house, right? I don't really disappear. Is there a way to describe it to someone like I'm trying to like Because to me the only I I can't even I can't even wrap my head around it. Who's an attractive? Let's just say cake quickly. Okay cake quickly. Okay, friday you go out

You get your paycheck for 800 for two weeks And you go out and spend 500 on coke a bag Because joey's supposed to buy split it with you But I got fucked up and I performed and spent the money from that coke So now you're stuck with the whole seven grams And you go to the comedy store and hold your bump into cake quickly. She's got a dress on You could tell she's got a thong on you got two lines in here

So cake quickly is looking completely different than what she looks like to you now Great quickly is now your friend. Yeah when you look at her on cocaine. She looks like a victim like she's just an ass she's just uh When uh, what do cheaters go after? Yeah, those because Ellen pray. Yeah, that's what she is She's just pray So now let's pretend you went to Pablo. Mm-hmm. You said Pablo. Give me that seven grams on the arm I'm gonna sell it to joe Diaz. I'm gonna make a profit So now even though you got it in your pocket and you're gonna make a profit on joe Diaz and you still are Pablo 500

You don't look at Kate. I'm just using Kate as an example because everybody knows that She's a pretty girl. I could use a thousand other girls, but She's coming with whatever You know, they got a thong on they bent over Do you know they do coke you give them a package you make them go to the bathroom They do two bumps. They come back. They tell you the coke is great And then they come back give you two more now. It's three in the morning now What we're gonna go I live in studio city and I got another seven grams of that

Kate quickly or whoever it is gonna come up there with you. Yep Now the first gram that you do you're okay because you're in profit Yeah, yeah, right. You're just losing a little profit. You still got Pablo's money tomorrow But next you know, you talk Kate to taking the top off and you want to do two bumps off of tits She's not pretty soon Fuck fuck joey's Pablo Now we're moving on to fucking Pablo's money Even though you and Pablo are best friends you grew up with Pablo

That addiction makes you tell Pablo to go fuck himself Even though in real life, you would never tell pop pop was your best friend And joey's your best friend, but you're just selling your soul right now for Kate a pussy and that cocaine Now, you know how long that lasts to do all that coke? Friday from three in the morning To saturday night at six in the morning Yeah So you guys pretty basically staying all afternoon. Maybe go for a walk to get beer

Right and go right back to do that coke every 20 minutes And talk shit fuck suck Whatever you gotta do now sunday morning Kate you wake up at two in the afternoon. Kate's gone You look at your phone. You got six missed messages from Pablo joey hasn't caught joey called last night because he got money the night before So it's you give up so much For this addiction like you sell for a lot of effort into nothing

It's a lot of effort into nothing And besides fucking your friend now you gotta go face Pablo And make up a lot of Pablo that the cops pulled joe over and took it Bitches took it or shit. You got no money and you're paying $50 a week for 18 weeks What you've you've talked to me or to told stories about times when Like when you didn't even want the girls to come over. So it's just you by yourself It was out. There was a point where The because the addiction keeps growing. That's what people don't understand. Pablo's clean a year

But inside of him that addiction is growing. Oh, yeah, if he that's why so many Well, I'm lying to you like when people go back to heroin they shoot the amount they were shooting Before they went to rehab And they got a heart attack. They OD because it was their uh, the tolerance went low You know your tolerance goes lower and lower But your desire for keeps growing keeps growing. So when you're an addict as as they describe an addict You know, I hear a lot of words when people describe addicts Can't describe addicts they describe disease

But in my world, I was an addict Okay, I was an addict. I would wake up at eight in the morning First thing I thought about was coke. The second thing was comedy And how was I gonna get the money for the coke to do the comedy? Even cocaine company And that's that's an addict. That's an addict And guess what I have the rent money, but the rent's not due to the fifth So even though it's the 29th and I got the rent money, I'm good till monday, bitch

All bets are off and guess what it's halloween thursday I'm gonna tell you I'm gonna stay clean for halloween. I'm buying an eight ball and ten quailoos just to start the party off And that's how you think that's how you think So I know I was sensitive at the 90 day mark I'm trying to think back to because after You know, I spoke to burp two days ago and I said, how's it going? And he goes, I feel good and he said something that made me very happy. He goes

I think I'm gonna give this a shot Yeah, I really want to give this a shot. I'm feeling that much better You know, do you feel the change? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Why do you see changes? I started enjoying, uh Going out and uh seeing, you know, I like taking long walks now, you know, check out the neighborhood I'm getting into More of the animals out there. I know it sounds crazy But that's I'm recognizing a lot of things that I missed when I was growing up, you know Just the the reaction of people and how they talk to each other sometimes sometimes I would just stay in my room

Just watch tv and get on the internet. But uh I feel I feel more strength, you know, I feel more more it definitely builds up your confidence. But uh, it's uh You go back and you see your friends still doing it, you know, and they're they're older than you and And they still, you know, pull out a bump. It's like it kind of trips me out because one man I go if you can still you still keep it in a file, you know, you still do that little bump and yeah, man but they just still they continue they stand one spot but They get more they get more aware about how it had some good times on it had some bad times on it, right? And uh They still have a fight about how they screwed up and they always say it's not coke or pot

But I felt a change in it in a a more responsible, you know, I can And uh spoke a lot of cigarettes. So that's not too too good. But uh other than that, man, I feel I feel that I'm having my shoes go by quicker, you know, I don't have to feel like I'm struggling through them And are you bringing a sober part number down the road? Yeah, it's easy. Yeah, I bring a fairy diamond No, fairy diamond goes with me on the road Is he really? Yeah, he's great. He's fantastic. Man. We're playing Ontario this week but uh Is he sober? Oh, yeah, he's completely sober man. How old is Barry now? I don't know what I don't know how old he is, but uh

Good guy. No good funny, dude. Good guy. Hilarious First time I saw him was in that movie with Tom Hanks. Oh, yeah, that's the part. That's the party and I fell in love with him I know he was a wild man and right you see him up at the store and uh It's a wild wild. Yeah, he's got he's still a wild man But uh, you know for me I think the first two years I was on egg shelves until I could Actually believe that I was clean Like actually believe like this is not right. I have you know more than 18 dollars in my atm account

I Get up early in the morning You said the word confidence. I started counting on myself. Right. Yeah So the more I could count on myself The better I could make myself like I figured out everybody in LA You have a meeting with with somebody at Jerry's diner You're 15 minutes late. Everybody else is 20 minutes late And people are like, oh, sorry the traffic. Well, bitch, you grew up in LA, right? You should know that you grew up in LA

And my responsibilities to be there, you know, so I started getting sharper and those things right. Yeah I grew balls back. I wasn't an addict anymore. Right. So when you told me to go fuck myself now My first reaction used to be go for an hour. Go. You know what? I'm gonna end up in jail and then I can't snort So let me just walk away from this situation. We made Which didn't make me look bad. It made me feel bad because I should have choked those fucking guys for saying that to me, right? You know, I realized that I wasn't an addict no more. That was a man again You know, I'll make a statement to people. I didn't become a man till I was 44

When I made the decision to get out of my life like that was when I became a man. I didn't know it till like 47 But all these little things I would made me better, you know, and I want the same for you, you know, and that's why I want you to come on the podcast every six weeks and report Yeah, man, this will give you something even if you realize we don't give a fuck man. He gives them, you know I tried to quit from I think I started quitting in 2004, right? You know for anybody who knows anything about quitting drugs or whatever If you do a gold cult turkey, god bless you

But I started quitting like in 2004 right by 2007. I was on heroin And I'm like this shit ain't really working. Yeah, my system isn't working So I have to figure out another system Wow, I knew rehab was not the answer. Right. I knew at that level rehab was not the answer. Very expensive. I knew that Uh, people had gone in and out of rehabs and I figured out something one day that was just amazing. I go, you know what? When you watch Carlitos white, right, he says that he had a counselor in prison that told him that You know, you could run and run and run but one day he thought that you just can't run them right and

You know the life I was living It was running every day. I was hustling a package. Really, you know, so a coke trying to make this You know, it's stressful. Right. It's stressful. That's too much stress Oh, yeah, I got to think about too much to put on too much to think about too much energy They're gonna be there. We're gonna not be there. Will I make my set? Right, you know, you call the guys and meet your 7 11 and magnolia 8 30 you got 9 15 And fucking ox not, you know, you really make yourself allow that You're gonna meet him at 8 30 and make it to ox not in 10 minutes like shit like that. Yeah, all thing you're late

I'll never forget doing something towards the end. That was the improv's got really pissed at me Like the improv's had heard bits and pieces of what I was doing But one night they gave me a chance. I forget the guy's name fred ed Okay, was it the oxner or was this is Ontario, okay He was one of the oldest or something of marketing a senior vp. Okay. He was an older guy hanging around the improv's I don't think he liked me You know as it was and I had gotten the longest yard and they were trying to

The you know, I spoke to Hartman one day, right? You know, he said, okay, we'll start giving you break off nights whatever He came through Hartman came through and they gave me a Wednesday and Thursday at the Ontario improv and all I had to do was Wednesday and Thursday and do radio Thursday morning, right? Oh No, I'm lying to you. I had to do they wanted me to go into Ontario. They got me a hotel

Yeah, get your hotel on a Tuesday, right? And they wanted me to get up for radio Wednesday and Thursday, right? You did you like to get a two-piece or Wednesday? Yeah, usually it's yeah both and I drove from hollywood to Ontario checked in Went to my room set up the sleep at the machine the whole thing Lay down Ready to go to sleep. I said I need a bump

And I got back in my car drove the hour 10 To hollywood right got a package right and drove the hour 10 back to Ontario And I stayed up till eight. I didn't get back to Ontario till midnight 12 30 You know how to stop me in those days. I'm stopping get one beer Oh, god, like just one beer to kill the initial bump and then I go on water after that, right? And I you know the radio guys were outside calling. I'm not answering The hotel's banging on the door. I got the lock. They can't open Yeah, I think I just I'm sick. I got the flu, but they knew what time it was

I ended up having like 24 people there on Wednesday 12 on Thursday and I got a call like a week later like Lose our number right like the fucking improv is always lose their number Like, you know, like this type of shit like this and this is like february of 2000s Yeah, we're connected 20 years ago. I was worried I couldn't open ferrogan at the improv But they were like no, no, no, you could open you still show your balls. No, no, no at that time. No and they were like They were like, you know, it's so funny how

You do something a couple times and people go crazy over it I stopped showing my balls in like 2002, right? Once I got mad tv. I can't be showing my balls. Let's go to the clip Yeah, I showed my balls and bray, uh I would take I would open up my zipper and just let my balls hang out. No, I couldn't believe it Yeah, people would go nuts. Yeah Some people would watch they go for a minute And then they would just go like what that almond milk No, I would just let the two balls out. Can you imagine what would happen if you did that now?

They throw you under the chair And you know, this is just to show you how crazy I was There was a video of me that rogan and christin wire made Of me jumping through rogan's poster And I was naked and I would dance and they shot them brayer And the old brand the movie. Yeah the movie theater. Yeah, and oh my god I gotta call that Tuesday from the improv like are you fucking nuts? You shot it right under the improv sign

Like I was just, you know, it was like one disaster After another right those that is the scrap no result of an addiction It's that your life is a fucking zigzag So you know you get flat ties. Yeah, you you just you know, you get the curse of bad Plains planes change at the last minute, you know, it's not your fault But then sometimes you've got to change them yourself and they don't believe you Yeah, no, no, no, and then everything that could happen is going to happen Right. So on top of what I'm creating in my life

Life is not throwing curveballs down my fucking throat No, you know You plan on is this what you want to do? Yeah, that most definitely man. I want to get into you know Whenever I come to right now, I'm just saving my money. How old are you now? I'm 50 years old, you know problem when I saw that Documentary for Rachel. Yeah, and it said that he got sober at the age of 60 My heart stopped Like oh my god, I can't do this don't 60 no no no way man Like yeah, I think I don't know what the age was somebody check it for me

Or whatever what, you know at the end it said that he did heroin to the age of 60 something You know that that petrified me like I just had a lot of signs right of that telling me to stop the race, you know Yeah, religion gets involved too You know he's thinking about you know your life and you're the older you get and you're gonna key Or you're gonna still be doing this and you know, you see your friends do I see my friends do it and I've you know, I'm drinking You know, it's like oh man, I'm back to same, you know going back to that same Lifestyle sometimes I just got well that's the next topic. We've got a couple the next topic that I had to

Change I was just talking to somebody last night about this My brother was on the phone with me And he asked me some questions about some shit About a particular person or something like no, I haven't spoken to that person in years And he asked me why not and I said because My relationship with that person Was strictly cocaine right buying no, I wasn't buying it wasn't a dealer It was a chemical somebody I had grown up with or

Somebody I had known chemical friendship and I said to him, you know, it's weird And I hate to say this on the podcast, but Someday you'll have to do it when it's a you know You you know how they say you have growth spurts When you're a kid Yeah, okay Like Dennis Rodman had like a seven inch growth spurts when he was 19 years old. Oh really? Yeah

It's the weirdest things we have growth spurts in life. Okay Part of that growth is looking around, you know And in 2007 I actually had a look around When I got off the coke and see who was working right and who wasn't working what was working and wasn't working It's a tough decision to make right especially when you're a person like me that cares about his friends Right, but you also have to care about your future. This is what I want to do right So these don't don't worry about it. I in 66 He got clean at 66. I know in 66. I'm just trying to see how old he was

Well that he died like when in 80 We Charles I'm not sure. Oh, yeah at 66. Yeah, I guess He got clean at 66 years. I think so. I'm I'm gonna talk about something like that 64. Don't worry about it Just to prove I just didn't want to be that I knew that if at 64 if I was still doing coke, right? I saw a joe Diaz with no hair No teeth You know, I saw a joe Diaz that was 400 pounds

I knew nothing would get better, right? So I that's when I started thinking about being getting sober trying right, you know Like how the fuck can I live a couple lives? Like I have a couple friends now that are hitting our age, right? And they're still drinking like, you know, yeah 1988 and They have no successes in their life. I could tell they're not happy Some of them we just fell by the wayside, right? Because a lot of things what happens now also is that people like hey, man

I was tight with you for years doing commie and now I'm not even in your fucking world Right in your radar anymore. I'm still like an open miker that's why I lost them because We just don't really You know, you lose them, but there was two things for me to get clean, right and There was a point with comedy But I said I gotta take all these people out of the roller decks, right? They just they just bring me down

Three people Like the name but I wouldn't because there was like three agents in particular, right three people who Had all the potential to help me here. I was friends with them I was kissing their ass I would work hard for them or whatever and we weren't getting nowhere and one day I said, you know what? Not only am I not gonna work with them no more I'm cutting them out because they're the kiss of debt. They got this guy on the roster Or this guy on the roster, you know, I don't want to be at the same roster as screech

Yeah, you know, so who do you got Joe Diaz Pablo and screech? I'll call you back tomorrow. You know, I just For me to make these leaps in life You have to leave some luggage behind right and sometimes luggage is people Sometimes you can't take those people. You can't take them with you and even though you love them, whatever You party, but it's the only thing you have in common. Yeah, that's why that's it. That's it. That's it It's like Right, I'm doing nothing. Right. I'm not coming over. Yeah, all I'm getting a call is for this and

That's the rest of the time And I lost, you know 20 20 of those people. Oh, yeah, okay and People that I actually loved that I still think about today and I I know they're still doing it. It's not like kids. I grew up with nothing like that It's people that I met along the journey That every time I would go to Pittsburgh, they would show up with an eight ball

Every time I would show up to an Asheville, they would show up on an eight ball every time I showed up to Atlanta They would show up on an eight ball every time I showed up into Miami. They brought. Oh, yeah After ship, you know, there were certain people in every market that I had that Like and it was rough to say them No, I'm coming in I'm going out And they're like, well, am I gonna see you? Not really Well, don't you want a party? I got this chick that lets me fuck her in front of people I really don't you know, I had all that creepiness. Yeah

I had a pound of creepiness, you know, it's not even peer pressure. It's like it's just if I mean they expect, you know Hey, listen, I'm going back to the hotel. They can't even take that it's no I had this success of The only success I had was in finding cocaine. I was like a successful treasure on That's the only success I ever had. There was a period there where I would bump into cocaine even if I didn't want it. It was like a curse Wow, like you really want it. We're gonna give it to you So everybody I met had coke

I go to an airport get a flight delay and the guy next to me would say you want a bump Tell me you don't have a bump. Not only do I have a bump I gotta have found some it would delay for nine hours You know, I got a thousand of those stories getting delayed in Aspen in Denver And having to put your coke in the locker What and then put taking like a grandma at the time I'm gonna go to the bar and snorkeling those days the airports didn't close. Yeah

The bars were open 24 hours in an airport till five. They were closed for one hour They were closed for one hour for the janitor to come and wipe down the bar and steam it Another bartender would come and see you would buy six beers and just sit there until 6 a.m God, those are the those are the day those were the days your flight's at eight You're gonna sleep on the flight. You're gonna get sleep on the flight. I mean, it was crazy. It was a crazy world But uh, so like A year in How often are you feeling the urge to be like fuck it? Let's just get some more coke a year in you're still skittish. Are you skittish, mom?

Are you skittish? Yeah, I get skittish. You know big time, man For me, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. And this is because Everybody works differently Do I believe in the 12 step program? I fucking do 100% right? Absolutely whether it's food whether it's gambling Whether it's you know, why because You get to be around people who have the same problems or you and they have the answers right to your questions One of those persons one of those meetings

It's gonna get so I have the answer to your questions. Trust me I went to a thousand those meetings. I didn't want to go to If I tell you that sometimes I was bored. That's the truth But I gotta tell you that sometimes I took some great info out there Yeah, first of all, I stopped feeling pity for myself because Even though I was homeless this motherfucker lost an eyeball You know, he did so much coke his fucking nose collapsed. Oh guy You know, I mean, so when you go to you know, you know playing a kazoo right through his step down when I went to

One of the first times I went to weight watches, right? The girl said to me she goes if you think these are bad and holly would go to the Control groups they call them or something. It was like on Wednesday night. It wasn't a woman's group. It was like a weight watches group Fucking I went down there And I was the fattest guy in the room when I felt good when I left because I heard people crying And I could tell that these people go home at night and he's a whole bag of cool. Yeah Like they're crying even though they go home. I don't know what we're doing. You know what you're fucking doing

You're going home at night. You're in the whole box of fucking donuts. That's what you're doing, you know And you you know, so going to a 12 Step I think is great for anybody. It wasn't gonna work for me Like I knew I wasn't gonna go to the meetings I knew that one day I'm gonna get up and go fuck all you motherfucker. Yeah I just worked the 12 steps without going to meetings. I did the evaluation. I did step four, right? I did all those things, you know, I gave myself up to a higher god You know, once I started doing those things I started doing those things in my life

I took those 12 steps and I worked them In different aspects of my life again, right? You can't apologize to everybody Right, but you get apologized to most people and they'll take your apology and that takes a ton of weight off You know, I'm big time, you know, you know, I called all those club owners that are probably still waiting for me at the airport Yeah, but it's uh, it's keep the club open till nine. Tell them that the show you take my week's pay man You just it's just crazy. I remember guys going so are you gonna be here or not? I would be playing with them at this point Yeah, yeah, my pain's coming to the day 40. All right, we'll push the show back till nine Just cancel you can't be this dumb

Once the guy's not there before cancel, right? But go go go Tomorrow night. Sorry people. We'll give you a 15 back. We'll give you a coupon off To come see Ralph Carey play the drums or whatever the fuck it is How long did it take you to earn that trust back for some of those clubs? 50% of those clubs aren't even around. Oh, okay Okay The other 50% it took a while it took a while it took a while it's showing up with other people Sorry, you're not gonna hire me anymore as a personal thing

But if I see paul blows down now come down and when paul blows down, I won't drink I'll do 20 minutes for paul blow and I'll get my car and go home And it took about two years and then the guy from then From the improv call me like in 2009, right? And he said will you start a room here and I go well that mad at me and he goes I'll take care of that And the rest is history. There was never a problem there anymore Once I got off the coke It's crazy how like something that's so

Like just a night can like fuck up years of your life. Yeah. Well, yeah, it's uh, heavy stuff sometimes those nights You know could be a manager just starting and he's giving out refunds, you know, he's like that too much and uh Yeah, it's just um Your word and your promises you make to these guys just about you know, I'm gonna be right there and then you don't show up Yeah, it's It gets um and we do a tough job not again. I'm not patting myself in the back uh breaking my hand to pat myself in the back, but

We go to a place that's called the road And the road is a great place to do comedy and for musicians and stuff But it also has a lot of pitfalls Yes, tell you what pitfalls pitfalls are you know me Pablo Artie Lang

Once the word gets out that you party people come to those shows with the intention You can say anything you thought of party on the radio. You can just say get some theorem off. Yeah, yeah You know, I've had people say to me I've been on the road for 20 years And not one time have I gotten coke Talk about it on the radio Good I haven't done coke in four days, but I'm ready to rock them everybody'll laugh and giggle But there's some motherfucker at the house going. I know exactly what he's talking about. Absolutely. Yeah I'm going down there to bring him some shit to kill his wig

The next thing you know, you know and women You know women show up with coke with drugs or whatever You know, and I've had road stories where your tunnel dropped women who've shown up with dates Yeah, and have combination drugs too. You get crystal in there Yeah, they'll say in that box like fucking buster rhymes, man Drop drop this fucking thing off and come back and get here with coke and it's you see addiction Like I sit here thinking about it now, you know, I always tell my book agent. I want to write a couple books I got a couple books in me because it took me and I think every addict has this that they look back at their drug use

And go I could write a book. Yeah on the steps of the detox You know, it's like when you quit smoking say there's a guide somewhere I think it's online The seven first days what happens within 24 hours. You don't smoke cigarettes. What happens between 24 hours 74 hours A week three months nine months 12 years. They tell you what happens to you. Do you think you saved Like I know I know for a fact Pablo that when I went up on When I got high the night before

Mike call me on stage the next day would also be 50 50 I felt that disconnected. Yeah, it's uh, it does take it away. Sometimes man. That's it's kind of spooky It's I try to think about it and then like it would take it away Just when I would get on stage and then I get it back, but Yeah, I started finding out that uh, I couldn't uh You know stay my couldn't last too long man I'm gonna do like 20 minutes, you know when I'm supposed to do a half hour or whichever but uh, You know, it's just good god man and forgetting a lot of things, you know, and you ever get high and go on stage

Oh many times in the night before. Oh, yeah many times. I had to get good stats But you know, did I have a good set? You know, sometimes I just go up there and just tell the jokes real quick Jumping the topic the topic spinning around get an idea write it down So I had other friends that were doing it too with me, you know on the road and uh, you know, it would be It'd be like, uh, we challenge each other, but then we drink and it was just a game of just You know that it was in a game. It was just partying in june shows, you know, it's like

It's incredible the people you meet there. They come right in the green room. They start partying He's gonna let them do it But like you know, you you're on stage during the first show. Man, I know they're doing bumps back there You know in the second show comes. Okay. I want to do bump with them and then everything starts changing So how's your life changing the last year save money? I got money now, but uh, and uh, What else, you know, just My health is better, you know, I've got more strength and uh

You know The idea is coming a little bit more clear, but uh, than that man. It's just I'm still smoking cigarettes, you know, so Just listen, listen, we all can't be on a percent perfect. Yeah, but yeah cigarettes. Okay, just remember listen Cigarettes don't make you cancel a gig Cigarettes don't make you get a jet get a jet, you know to cigarettes don't make you do a lot of things that cocaine would You know the impulse That you get from doing coke like right now Between you and I I still have

three or four qualities left from doing coke That and I haven't done coke in 12 years like after effects That sometimes I laugh when I'm doing you know I have more control now my My body and my mind I see sometimes that you have still after

Effects like there's still some reason to Not with your speech, but uh with yeah, yeah with my speech my speech I find myself, you know, yeah, but I was I was always like that since I was third grade, but uh It's uh, I'd have noticed that, you know, I still haven't articulated some of my My language. No, it takes time. Yeah, I know that sometimes with your speech and with your Uh, I have the same thing the same little manic Yeah presence that you have because I noticed it Yeah, people you're making people nervous. I go man. I'm feeling good right now. I'm you know journalized, but uh

Yeah, it's yeah. No, it takes it takes it takes a while to lose all those. Oh, absolutely Listen, man. I'm happy you're putting it together. That's what I want. Thanks, man You know, there's a lot of people That listen to these podcasts and they get different things from them You know, I think this is the the one that hits home the hardest with this podcast Is when people come on here and share their struggles to let people know that we put our pants on one leg at a time I don't ever want this podcast When I listen to a podcast and I feel like I'm getting talked down to me. That's the end of my podcast

That's the end of this podcast. I've always wanted this podcast To let people know that You know, it's like when motley crew got clean, right? They went on the road with uh Sober coaches and right the guys cook meals soon, you know, that cost $5,000. Oh, yeah, man big time That cost $5,000 a day So for somebody who right now is in ohio and is eating opiates The way joey, you're not doing nothing good for me I mean, you're talking about if I sat here and said caught david rafael. Yes, you know

You know, he'll go everywhere with you and hold your hand Not everybody's financially strapped. Oh, absolutely to do that. I know a coach from here right now that Is in new york With you know, and he tells me these situations. He's a soba coach a professional Six-figure a fucking yeah gangsta Okay, but him and I have hard tarts Right, so in fact, I know two guys one of them is a comic, but I don't really know him as well

I have hard tarts But the thing he tells me the most about his soba coaching is It's like anything else. He gets a lot of uh His biggest age group is 19 to 25. Okay, and it's rich parents. Yep rich parents that Not that they've given up on the child but The child has put them through so much over the last five to 16 car crashes

Yeah, that theft whatever credit card, you know, that he got they just want to a breather And they have these soba coaches you go to a meeting with every day And then sometimes he drops a urine on you. Yeah, he drops a urine on you. He cooks for you He trains you. I mean this guy gets big money. Yeah, you know, he started here and now he's like nationally known, you know so But not everybody could afford that, you know, oh, yeah, so You've been I don't know how many react four or five. Yeah four or five They never really seemed to work. They just slow you down a little bit. Yep

They just slow the process down And you learn what to tell them to get yourself out of it. Oh, yeah You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's expensive Betty Ford turned into barely afford. Yeah barely afford and You know, you learn what to tell them to get out of there, but you and I both know That you you're gonna have Chico pick you up and he's taking you at the first spot you're going to May not be the first spot. Maybe you'll get some tacos first to get the proper nourishment But the second spot you're going to Is to fuck in my man's house to pick up a package. How do I know because I've done it?

You know, when I was in the halfway house, I would have to go see a drug counselor I blow smoke up his ass for an hour, right? And I remember still going right from there the drug dealer's house. I'm going to this motherfucker You celebrate because you went to the yeah, this guy didn't work today. You know, I went to acupuncture To deal with cocaine issues. I told her the truth in the beginning really and every week Needle in you. Yeah She'd stick a needle in me Oh, yeah, that you would you would take it to go

It was a needle that would stick staying you for three days. What goes in your nerve your cocaine nerve in your earlobe It's like a staple and she would leave it in there and it would fall out after three days We just click and I still remember Snorting coke and be playing with it like going lord, please Take this feeling away and I would do a line of coke and Fucking hold on to my ear and but really in a way I learned about acupuncture Because if I was you Pablo, I'd go to acupuncture. I'll tell you what Because acupuncture helps you build up your cheek

And if it helps you a little fucking chakra zones and it builds up your cheek It was just a cheek. There's times I sit there at night And I go, how the fuck Did I get clean? I'll tell you what else I still have from my cocaine days. What's that the 8 p.m anxiety From 7 45 you go would you get paranoid you get about 8 20? I get into a weird mood Well combination of death and no no I just get into a

I get itself agitating That's a little a little effect from my cocaine days because by 8 20. I wanted to know I had it Oh, I was gonna get it or it was on the way or it was in my pocket. Well for me to rest So till this day from 7 45 To 8 fucking 20 at night That's when is it? I just don't get an aggravated like if my wife gets up from the living room too many times I thought

This is because you have an open window during that time you could probably just don't know That's the only and it's not like I'm getting up to go get blown. That's the least of my problem Nothing like that. No Nothing like that Just it's the old anxiety. I would get Ready to sit with the coke. You know, I'm not gonna pick up the coke at 10. It's new years You're uh, it's new years. You're you're 20 years old. Right. Okay. You're eight. You're 19 What's the difference between new years when you're 19 new years with your 30?

You don't start drinking at two in the afternoon, right? You know as I and so it's like I would start getting excited about cocaine accorded a once I knew We picked it up from Pablo. It's on the way to the comedy store Unless he gets hits blindsided by a truck. Oh my god. I'm getting my cocaine That's it. My sweaty palms wouldn't be no more I get in the shower happy. I'd wash my balls good But I know I was getting my package. Can't you rumble and take care of that anxiety? Yeah Do you write every day about your

Progress, uh, you know, I don't stand you a journal. I don't do that. I just I think it's time Pablo Maybe I should but I hate that, you know, I look like you know What it was a jeopardy contestants, you know, I just draw like that, you know, I can't I pen it. It's just bad type it out No, you don't even type it out right here with your hand like you're in the sixth grade All right, today is my fucking today Here cocaine today We met almost stories. Yes. It's been two years Yes, it's our last encounter. Yes. I like your joy. There's no lying in you. They're right

Can't say that's the rest of your Organization, okay talking about Omar Suarez. You really got a good place Okay, yeah, so What a little scarface action, you know, but uh, yeah, you know a lot to watch car face either You can't watch car face. Can I watch Carlitos way? There right was because you might go Because you might go off the fucking deep end with Tony's, you know, even a lot No, I don't even want you standing next to people with white suits on Oh, I'm saying because you never know. All right. You might get a flashback from vietnam. Yeah, you know, keep me posted

I want you on the show every six weeks. Okay, man If you relapse you let us know because You're our own little human experiment right on man. Our goal in the church is to keep Pablo sober There you go. So from now on every time you do a show, there'll be a church representative. They're reporting back to me Because that's what they usually do. They report back to me. Yeah, watch out. He does have some spies I have tons of spies and they report back to me. They're ready to spy. You're a great comic. So they'll come watch Hey, man, they'll come watch him. Let's go. Holy fuck. Get a urine test after this show I was gonna say they'll bring a urine test for you. You still got Pablo Francisco. What is it dot com?

Yep.com Pablo Francisco dot com you go to my twitter Pablo underscore Francisco Check me out come check me out at ontario improv this week too. It's gonna be fun Thursday through saturday Same yeah, you do sundays too. You do sundays too. We got two shows on we have one on thursday two on friday two on saturday One on sunday. You've always been a beat. I remember when they used to every cancellation An Irvine they gave you and I think I caught two of those feature acts, you know, it's tremendous It's fun like you work with Pablo and Irvine again. Not for nothing. Well, we just did last month. Yeah Memories but they fucking loved that was 98 Pablo. Wow. It seems like yesterday, man It was yesterday. It was yesterday, man. That's 21 fucking years

You were a kid Pablo Still got the 280z x2. He gave me work And I still love you for that old man You still got the 280 still got the 280 years 280z x is 81 and I still got that bad boy rebuilt the engine looking sweet. You drive it. Yes, I do But I not today full time. No, not full time. Just you know, sometimes in melrose and you know, take it back But uh, it was my pizza my pizza car, you know, so uh It's looking good runs great go here right to to new york in no time. So it's all good, man

It's all keep telling yourself that right on bro. I'll get to new york You'll break down in kansas city when you're crying. What am I gonna do? And then you're done once you break down in kansas city Or you need to see a black guy with that look on his eye and you're done There you go, man. You end up in a fucking crack haven You want to rock or you want to out or you got to look at things From the bright side from time to time You know what I'm saying? Don't forget to go see my man Pablo

over and on Did I say pop? Yeah Pablo over in the Ontario improv this weekend me. I got dick I got the Omaha funny bone the 9th and the 10th the fucking November and then we got Miami Thanksgiving weekend the 29th and 30th. There's still tickets left For uh, the second show At town hall in new york city. That's it for the year. You motherfuckers are fucked if you don't come see me and uh

Either oh my the brass. I don't know how far oh my is out of your way The other place the Miami improv Thanksgiving weekend Or the town hall in new york city Go get your tickets, but Before we go anywhere. I gotta talk to people about something like I told you before the The show started that you know, sometimes I run heavy And I gotta tell you something the thing that covers me the most the thing that's made a big difference

Is cbd lion and I use the tincture under my tongue at night before I go to sleep. I sleep better I don't get up last night. I went to bed at 12 and I got up a fucking quarter eight And I hadn't gotten up at all all night. I slept steady and that's cbd lion Whether it's the tincture I go with those raspberry gummies any of the gummies whether it's the strawberry the raspberry The orange they're fucking delicious. You're gonna love them. Do me a favor Listen go to their website. They got third party test lab results. So you know what you're getting This isn't some fucking liquor store cbd Or this isn't you get cbd at your cat check cash in place

This is the real deal holy for you getting that from your uncle joey. So go to cbd lion Dot com right now and press in church and get 20% off your first order also bitches I don't know how what else to tell you Listen, if you found the yard sick on the street, will you pick it up? Or would you keep walking like the mook that you are you'd pick it up? So why do you keep picking winners and you're not fucking betting on them? You had a feeling houston was going to come back. You knew it

But you don't even got the fucking balls. That's why I go to my book. It's fast It's easy and they pay when you win. I mean, let's face it Where your betting is just as important as who you're betting on If you're trying to bet on the nfl baseball mma, whatever My bookies got it. I wouldn't be telling you guys to bet with them if they weren't the best I'll do the smart thing if you're gonna get that football basketball season, which is right now Bet with my bookie Do you know you can still bet on games after they fucking start?

Listen, if you're the type of guy Or a woman that likes to bet a little and win a lot Try a parlay if at all your picks come through you'll multiply your winnings That's what i'm trying to tell you No matter how you bet the nfl season has that time of the year. You got mba nfl college fucking hl Ufc you got this weekend ds versus mazdevall You got you know, you got a bunch of shit. You can this is it my bookie dot ag right now

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Fucking tremendous and when you take a shit You're gonna see what i'm talking about. I want to thank my booky. I want to thank athletic greens. I also want to thank cbd lion dot com For being the animals that they are and I want to thank my brother Pablo Francisco For coming in and rocking this motherfucker. Don't forget to set your dvrs for wednesday. I'm gonna be on david spade show Wednesday night Tape it live it fucking love it if I don't see you in Omaha I'll see you in miami

Stay black have a great fucking tuesday and tell them all to suck your dick uncle joey sent you Kick this fucking meal leak I want to be around To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I For somebody who Will swear to be true as you used to do with me

Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company? Wait and see I mean I want to be around To see how he does it when he breaks your heart to bits Let's see if the puzzle fits So fine And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding

From a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you