Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #737 - Adam Ray

Episode Date: November 20, 2019

Adam Ray, a comedian, actor, and co-host of the "About Last Night Podcast," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Policy Genius - Policy Genius helps you compare and find the right home, auto, life or disability insurance for you. Check them out at www.policygenius.com   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 100% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church for a free online consultation.

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your bankroll and that's on the top of the risk-free bet let me repeat that's a guaranteed deposit match and a risk-free bet for Thanksgiving only that's next week a week from tomorrow so stop waiting on the sidelines like a fucking mook jump on the fucking gravy train it's the holidays you make them you need to make some doray me and it starts at my bookie dot ag use code church you play you win you get motherfucking pain take this meal leak what are you nuts or what fucking fired up on a Wednesday morning motherfuckers we got Lisa at the Christ killer we got Adam Ray my little brother

yeah baby your uncle motherfucking Joey D is here bring it in to you on a fucking Wednesday morning you must be what's up my brother Adam right stop doggy always a pleasure to see how really it's truly the best I'm chilling man just enjoying the day enjoying the I like this pre-holiday time it feels good it feels like everybody kind of lets their guard down a little bit and especially in LA where you know the road rage is always at a high level I feel like just everybody on a whole just kind of you know levels out a little bit it loosens up yeah a little bit yeah

up for six weeks it's kind of it's not crazy and then just back to the grind of the bullshit and then like January 16th is traffic people yelling on the flip of a dime people could be like dude yeah go on in dude merge yeah actually you know what you want to swap cars for a day dude I'm driving a fucking you know Toyota Corolla you got a fucking hammer let's swap lives for a cut and then I got my wife in the trunk you can fuck before I drop her off on the 170 trunk fucking people used to be very generous with the trunk fuck yeah but come just pull over pull over fucking real quick dude high five me while you're

fucking her dude you don't have to commit it it's your day yeah even if you do I'll pay for the pay for the creams come January 16th believe it's November 19 it's uh it was just Halloween 10 days ago like that's what it felt like wow dude when he put it in perspective like that yeah people were uh what about last christmas like I feel like last christmas was like two months ago wow wow what are you smoking where christmas felt two months ago I guess it did though huh it really did this year the holidays are the benchmarks for like how you it truly right it's kind of how we view like you know how slower fast times moving do you feel like shit slows down and goes quicker as you get older

because I've heard I've heard both sides of the point I think it's fucking quickened up one minute I was 21 jumping up and down eating gorilla biscuits the next minute I was 37 in some bumfuck room in Craig Colorado getting tomatoes thrown at me the next minute I'm in hollywood I'm 44 years old yeah thinking about quitting cocaine you know the next minute you're having a kid at 50 I mean you know it happened like I wake up in chunks like if I wake up in chunks dude make that t-shirt I'll buy that wake up in chunks yeah that's a great way to put it you know it's like he's fragmented memories there was a guy in Vegas once this 92 year old guy was talking to me at a bar at the Tropicana and he looks over and goes how it is probably like five six

years ago he's how are you I was like oh I'm about 32 he's like I remember being 32 he's like I was actually a pool boy here at the Tropicana 32 what a great time he's like I used to just live by the seat of my pants smoke pot do do drugs buy meth sell meth he's like I remember one time at 32 I met a couple of foreign girls at the pool bought them up to the room paid them to scissor each other in front of me for 30 bucks they bought me lunch I was like I think you're underestimating or overestimate I'm sorry what I'm doing at 32 but I appreciate it this is there's no way there's a similarity in the way you were living to how I'm living but he was like but he goes my point is enjoy it he goes because I remember all that fucking cup watching lesbians eat each other

out next thing you know boom I'm 96 and I was just like I thought you were 92 he's like who knows sounds like you're talking to Joey who like time travel from the future yeah that's what he tells me to do like every day where's your bitches and I don't have any bitches oh yeah every day but what would you do if you oh I would do that I would pay them to scissor each other yeah that's first and foremost before a meal or a shower yeah yeah just get out of the way you know it's like you think how life is so unfair sometimes it can be you know you have all this knowledge you get older and you start picking up this knowledge and you go on never fall for that trap again you know this trap stupid trap yeah I'm not saying that you fall into a trap I mean like just dumb shit yeah you buy

what's those condos that people buy in aruba Tom shares you never go down there and then you like what the fuck is wrong with everything I was gonna go to aruba yeah we all make those weird things but you look back and like when I look at my life I see three different people like I see a kid that was just a geek that just wanted to be accepted and did karate oh no way I see this kid that his mother died and now he's doing drugs and he's doing criminal shit and then I see this kid that's doing comedy on the road and thinking about like I can't wait to feature like thinking about I can't wait to feature like yeah I'm featuring for triple and this guy and that fucking guy but I can't wait to be a legitimate

feature at an A club you put that up on a pedestal it was like things are gonna change yeah and driving like and not seeing anything for miles just tumble bushes and going you know like that's when I think of my life I see like four different joey did oh yeah well that's the one man show that's how you break it up yeah were you a geek before karate or did you do karate because you were like I feel like I got too much you know geek vibes I'm putting out there karate I'll level me out karate because I was a geek I got wow I see that wow really I beat up I didn't like it for what just I beat up at a park and I got hit in the head with a lunchbox I don't like the feeling like you know my father was dead I couldn't speak the language and I was being raised

by a mom so when people would talk about going to a nick game with their dads I felt left out oh I know that's young so when you have that feeling of being you know like an outsider tap and then getting hit with the head with the lunchbox and it wasn't called bullying back then it was called that's a salt by the way getting hit in the head with a lunchbox even if it's your favorite cartoon but it was it was was in central park there ain't no assault this is either what happens or you walk out alive central park the most dangerous park in the world huh well at the time it's too big to really track all the uh encounters right it's too huge too huge even the birds are like dude I don't

fuck it I don't go in there anymore because part of that park ends up in Spanish Harlem like there's a tail end to that park that's in Spanish Harlem so the junkies would go in there and shoot but this was way before like when I got hit there I just went there as a little kid and there were kids my age yeah they wanted to take my lunchbox and then they hit me in the head and I felt so insecure that I joined karate and then the kids that were in karate with me were geeks they went to Bruce Lee movies I moved to Jersey they joined karate and we were geeks we went to Bruce Lee movies we went to Chinatown on Saturday and looked at Chinese magazines oh yeah someday we're gonna go to Hong Kong and fight the masters you know yeah but you

know what dude having that sense of community huge looking back like those guys that were in your world to kind of like you know four or five of us yeah do drugs were very healthy and then when I dipped into drugs in my neighborhood I had to live two laps I lived the drug life with my buddies from North Bergen and I lived the karate life with my buddies from Union City Jesus Christ now if that was karate if that was the plot of Karate Kid I would have watched it at least 15 times that I was getting high and the karate kids didn't know no you were you had to separate you were living separate lives so some Saturdays I go I can't see you guys I gotta work at my mother's ball fuck you I was going to the city with my other buddies to snort angel dust and play

three card Monty and fucking you know go to strip clubs did those guys did the drug buddies know that you had karate skills at your disposal they knew that yeah because in those days you didn't have black bags or Nike bags like you have today you rolled your gear up and you rolled your belt around the gear the controller with the cup in the middle of towel yeah yeah shirt for afterward so you go to karate with your especially once you got a purple belt or a green belt oh yeah show people of course you weren't just a white that's a proud color so you get on the bus with a bunch of green belts and brown belts and you know so that's another part you know like you look at your life and you go like Lee right now even now at 31 there's the podcast that lately then there's

the emison Lee yeah oh and that's two completely people the guy in emison didn't smoke pot the guy in emison didn't hear anti-semitic slurs the guy in emison didn't have uh scissor dreams you know no though that stayed the same but it's oh it's consistent there it is crazy how it's just like like for me like that's completely different people almost I guess too a little bit but do you think people change like like on the inside I still feel similar but I guess it's I act a little bit differently like how like how similar do you think you are or do you think you've changed three or four times uh yeah I think so I think whether you you can see it or not in the mirror like just because your experiences from five years ago are completely

different the people in your life even if they are the same they're different right so you're you're always getting you know new perspectives and new thoughts coming at you and that's just gonna like continue to you know shape and form who you are and what you think about like right like even my uh you know sister has chilled out big time in the last 10 years and it's like she like you know and that's affected me because she was so fucking crazy and off the rails and had to go to a boarding school and now she's like I look at her as like a person with like who has self-worth and like you know and actually a good parent now and it's and that's seeing that happen to her has made me probably you know subconsciously just have even more I don't know

hope or have that bleed into this business where you might get down in certain points but you're like fuck man there's always room to grow and there's always um you know new uh new avenues to to go down and I mean I don't know I don't think you ever level out as a person you know and that's why I think I like to stay the same yep you know I had beliefs and then when I got to stand up I looked over beliefs in a different way if I wanted to be funny because once you become a stand-up you have to look at your beliefs where you actually think is sacred yeah and you have to goof on it a little bit you know I'm saying like you just have to goof on a little bit even though it's sacred to you you know whether it being the audience appreciates that yeah you know whether

being anything you really got to attack yourself yeah and attack all this shit that you're gonna have a hard time saying you know it's not hard to say what you want to say sometimes on stage if you really want to say it you know last week they had a thing about some chick that was from America and she went to Isisville and blew an Isis guy and got pregnant and now she's trying to come back I'm very my beliefs as an American is fuck that bitch let her fucking ride over there she crossed borders to go suck Isis dick now she gets what she's coming down was that true that's what she went there for yeah boarded a plane they called her Isis bride yeah Isis bride she had a long distance relationship with an Isis guy went over there fucking went over to get some some

terrorist cock yeah got pregnant yeah got pregnant and wanted to come back with a terrorist baby yes and I have no you know and I said some things on there and some fucking people hit me up and they were like you know what man some people get offended by your terms but I don't because I know they're coming from your heart yeah you're very anti-terrorist like I just I think that there's people that steal and people that lie and people that have death coming to them if they get hit by a building nobody we can't but I don't think it's fair that Lee and his mom go to a mall on sunday and get shot just for being there yeah I don't believe in that I believe people have things coming to them there's a lot of bad people out there oh karma's real for sure and it is a rich

and it'll come get you but I don't think you should be you you should be at Walmart getting school supplies fuck no it's some 15 year old drives 10 hours to shoot you whether it's homegrown terrorism whatever the etiology all of it you know I was in New York in 94 I was in New York when they tried to bomb the World Trade Center I was packing out I was doing stand-up and I was passing out packages for a phone company a guy would give me 400 a week to just go into a building and pass out intro packages on sunshine communication yeah tells you what you get and stuff like that right and I'll never forget that it was like Adam Ray was supposed to call me at 12 and never called all these people were supposed to call me for coke because it was Friday so

there's Friday coke day it Friday was coke day so what was Wednesday I'd be in the city and you would call me and go Joey do me a favor pick up a gram on the way back or give me 60 bucks yeah because I can't make it to the city so it was coke day so when I realized it was like three o'clock why hasn't nobody gotten to me and then I stopped at a store and somebody goes you don't know what happened they just tried to blow up the World Trade Center and that's the tower that controls all the communication oh so the to the pages this is when they first tried to do it 94 93 yeah I remember that basement with the truck and they went back and asked for the deposit and I just something blew up right there was yeah it wasn't explosion apart yeah but I still remember seeing

people on the a-train and seeing the looks on their faces and like how could something like this happen you know never mind 9-11 never mind the candle Vegas thing never mind all these things you know you're in Vegas and join a country western concert and all of a sudden you're getting shot out by a fucking window yeah for all these acts no matter what you call them I have something against that we went away from what we were talking about but it's like when I got off the coke I got all these strong beliefs back about myself that I had before I started doing code these were beliefs I believe when I was 13 oh wow we're all the way back yeah like it went like those beliefs damn dude started coming out so coke is just blocking so much clarity so much clarity I remember

that was a man again wow so before we were powerful then you come up to me with that stupid goof on your face knock it off because before we became comedians we're men so knock it the fuck off so all that came back to me like all that had covered up all those emotions I think your emotions and your beliefs stay the same thousand percent I agree I goof around a lot on the shit that I have strong beliefs against because it makes me a better comic yeah I have to yeah you know it's like I totally leaves like I don't like eating that for you to become a better comic you're gonna eventually have to eat somebody's ass because that's part of the discipline yeah it's doing things you hate doing stepping out of your comfort zone stepping out of your comfort zone that's how you figure out who you are

and that's the only way to do it that's the only way to do it so I don't care what you want to do what you want to do really makes no difference yeah what do you not want to do what you wanted to do has gotten you to know where wow so if it's gotten you to know where why are we still playing this fucking charade wow dude just do what needs to be doing do outside you I think to become a for me to really start hitting with comic I had to say shit I didn't want to say about the Catholic religion are you kidding me I love Catholicism sure I was raised on that you never said you never blast for me I'm up there talking about pedophile smoke you know so I want people to understand like yeah I'm a church guy I'm a Catholic I don't

ever want to hear a fucking Jesus joke but for me to become a better comic yeah I had to say Jesus joke and I had to come to a conclusion that the Jews killed Jesus you know it was you both yeah the last supper no they went I jacked that motherfucker they knew what time it was you want to buy all this religious shit that the light came in tastes my bread the bread that's my body that's not the way it was yeah Jews didn't even let you pass the bread around you know what I'm saying they came in with knives so what can I say yeah they came in knives I started stabbing motherfuckers so all those things you have that was my first attack it's so funny that you say that even just getting like the the the balls to to split that line and have something that

means so much to you be able to poke fun it's like I just got slim I just did the Dolby with Dan Cook uh last Saturday and in this joke about being Jewish wanting to be in the NBA and I just had this new tag right I uh make fun of how my mom said I could never be in the NBA no Jews in the NBA blah blah blah and then I tag it with I go Jews never be in the NBA we're done showering in groups and then people kind of it gets it gets split with like a lot of ohs but a lot of laughter and then I go fuck you guys it's a good joke I go you don't have to like a here you can laugh on the way home if that's more your speed and then that gets like an also another reaction and but I haven't stopped doing it and I've got a lot of comics friends of mine that I respect

to be like man it's a good tag you know it's a funny uh end to that and you know shit man I've been to the camps of Bar Mitzvah very I'm Jew through and through you know but but again it's like at some point I had that thought for that joke there's gotta be something about your religion you don't like yeah there's gotta be something there's a lot of stuff about it you know what it's a bastion first did that bit about going to a saner oh it's true how bad the food is oh yeah I was like damn this is a good joke yeah yeah I think it would have been a lot better joking for Jew than what I've been yelling a thousand percent fuck that fool yeah fuck nana you know whatever you guys call grandma what do you call grandma no no there's something oh uh booby you're yeah yeah

I know it was some private part you can't say fuck booby you can't say fuck booby this is what I'm saying you have to you have to say you have to you gotta say fuck booby fuck a fucking husband too with his fucking shiny you and your gefilte fish yeah with his Auschwitz shoes it's Auschwitz shoes for a Jew to really break through as a Jew yeah he has to go up there and do one of the weirdest things ever and that's making Auschwitz shoes even though he had an ant oh no cool yeah it doesn't mean you don't respect that experience and that you don't have empathy for that you know and that's what this woman was coming at me for on on facebook she was like I just think you as a Jew to make that joke and to comment on a situation what what and

then she was you know she's like do you even know what the Holocaust is I mean now she's just questioning my you know understanding of historical events and I'm like yeah and you know I just put thanks for coming out glad you enjoyed it it wasn't worth getting into trying to break down to her that you know like you just said we have to take these risks and you have to yeah you know find the funny and things that shouldn't you know that not everyone's thinking of finding some humor in there was a little Jewish guy in Boulder I forget what his name was he he uh came into the internet Ronnie Liebowitz no he came into the uh the deli yeah the deli zone I used to hang out the deli zone it's called the deli zone deli zone I love that it opened up at

eight and they served the mean ham and egg sandwich I forget what his name was and I'd ask him what the fuck you been we were worried about you and he goes don't worry about me worry about yourself he was like I don't know what the fuck I just was gonna tell you all one day we were just talking and I was just he was 93 I'd been doing comedy like two years I was still not doing Catholic jokes no way no way would I do it wasn't even the realm of possibility for you right the possibility I would not even consider doing you'd see people doing it you were like how do they do that yeah that's that I'm not gonna do that I know you dirty mother this guy's up here fucking boobies and one day two of the owners of the deli zone were Jewish and the other two were like one was uh that knew it

that new nationality Albanian oh yeah was Albanian Italian light they always make pizzas one of the best Italian restaurants in jersey told by Albanians that's a big secret but nobody's supposed to know oh my god and I'll never forget he made a statement one day somebody said something was talking about pizza and he goes this place he goes this place bolder is terrible you can't get pizza here you get better pizza in Auschwitz as far as I'm concerned I just looked at them because I had never heard it before in my life from a Jew at a Jew deli but the best Jew jokes I've ever heard have been from Jewish yeah man like a good good solid Jew joke like that there was this guy up in Boston around the comedy club at club 56 and one day he had me like you

know like when people give you a joke you're not prepared for it yeah you think they're telling you like uh like a real story one day he's like a man I was in New York one day and these four guys won a bench uh a priest uh a rabbi and a fucking cardinal and he's telling me this story I'm like really that's weird he's convincing delivery you just like wow what an odd grouping and all of a sudden he goes Jesus came by like oh here's the joke and he goes Jesus went up to a cardinal and says what can I do for you my son and he's like I got a sick hand to say a prayer for it God please he goes up to the priest what can I do for you and he goes I got cancer in my foot healing looks at the rabbi what can I do for you and he goes don't touch me I'm on disability

first time I heard that joke I thought my eyeballs are gonna fly to my fucking head because I grew up in New York and every Jew's on disability don't touch me they all tell you don't touch me I'm on disability that is hilarious that's so funny hilarious yeah it's a common you know and real stereotype that Jews a little you know a little paranoid little uh not stand office because we're very loving and and forward personable people but there is like a fucking family killing the hell it's brilliant oh yeah I'm twitter what he said he said 34 years ago today I was somewhere complaining about something I'm like that is fucking funny that is tremendous oh yeah but it's so weird how you have to

to become a really good comic you got to do like three or four things that you don't really want to talk about like I hate talking about abortion on stage like when I was why just doesn't I don't need to put that bend in people's hearts now do you feel that there's certain things like that that should be off limits or just for you personally you're like I got nothing funny in that just for me personally yeah I think that people got Doug Stanitis when Doug Stanhope got big 20 years ago he had a great abortion bit of something from there all these young cops showed up with the you know and they all had the same line kick the head of an aborted fetus yeah you know those type of lines I don't like those yeah I think you're not going anywhere with those

but any subject could be made to sound brilliant I hate when people go well that's a hacky subject if it's a brilliant joke it's a brilliant funny right I don't give a fuck if it's hacky enough it's a brilliant fucking joke yeah I was just dropping knowledge yeah you know I mean so even just aside from comedy like the reason why I ask the question is like that's sort of what I'm struggling with is like I came here and I don't know if it's my upbringing or what it is but like I'm too naive I still I still trust people like oh let's go do this and all right like like the whole LA stuff like I still I feel like I need to get over and and and grow up a little bit but I don't I don't know if I'm gonna be 50 years old still like oh I trust everybody and everyone like it's just uh

even outside of comedy like it even though you can change a little bit I'm like I feel like I'm still that eight-year-old kid inside who goes to Hebrew school and like eat snacks and watch TV like it's I don't know I don't know if you if that's like what's deep inside of you ever changes like that's what I'm worried about no it changes you mature you look at things differently you look at your mistakes differently yeah you'll be a different person in 10 years I hope so you know I didn't like broccoli when I was eight and I still don't like broccoli all right I didn't like cauliflower when I was eight and I still don't like cauliflower you put a beat on my dish and that red juice touches my mashed potatoes there's only gonna be a disability yeah you know

this I had had yogurt since a fresh I'd never had yogurt until freshman year college because I was so baked and the campus store was closed my buddy went to his dorm room and he's like I got some yogurt so I do to anything I'm fucking starving I start chowing down on this and he's just like dude you're eating that like you've never had yogurt before and I was like I haven't and he fucking he was like are you kidding me so then he opens his second fridge there's like 30 flavors I go you gotta be fuck imagining discovering imagine discovering yogurt for the first time and seeing that there's fucking 90 flavors but I mean you know there's just there's a lot of things that that to me was so crazy that it was such an eye-opening moment too because I was like man if I

haven't had yogurt until I'm 19 like what am I gonna experience or discover like in two years from now you know I'm saying it was and again I had to put myself in a position that was like leaving home to go to school and like smoking pot for the first time and then you know hanging out with kids in the theater school that I didn't necessarily have a lot in common with but we pot brought us together we had some cool conversations that brought us all back to somebody's dorm and then we're hanging out listening to music whatever there's some girls on that floor that somebody was trying to fuck and then and then all of a sudden there's a fucking yogurt smorgasbord and just you know I don't know what the point of that story was but

you know I didn't need I didn't eat sushi till I was 32 there we go that's what I'm talking about 32 32 god damn I live in New York you're god damn in Seattle is that an active choice you've been around it right just been around it I saw desperately seeking Susan and the cab driver Tony Longo had a great line because I tried sushi once wasn't that good till I brought it home and cooked it and the dumbest line in the world yeah I just always remember that I'm like I don't want to eat raw fish yeah and then some girl bought a california roll one night oof and I tasted the basic california roll and I was like fuck this ain't bad yeah and then I went in there and tried a couple things some things I hated and some things I fell in love with and the rest is

fucking history I'd never get sushi on an airplane would you no yeah that seems like a the gamble of all time when I hear people being like you know who's got terrible fucking california rolls dealt the airlines I'm like the fuck are you even rolling the dice you know I don't even like taking sushi to go it doesn't last it doesn't hold it doesn't hold up doesn't something happens on that car ride something in the six minutes oh yeah dude sushi so instead of fucking when it just eat it there keep it at the home base man I'm not gonna lie to you again when things were rough I'd pick up a spicy roll from rouse but it had to be at 9 30 in the morning yeah when they just got done is the chapter on the fucking channel you watch her like a hawk I go in there

and watch that bitch like especially rock and roll rouse because I do the butcher rock and roll rouse yeah yeah you know the butcher I used to this is years ago that's exciting there's a black butcher that was big at rock and roll rouse it's awesome and I used to get them to cook fish for me like I'd pick a fish and eat deep fry in the back and I just taken it to go back that's fucking incredible little nuggets you were homies with the local uh deli guy always gotta be that's the dream you gotta be you gotta make relationships with your local vendors you know if you're a fat fuck you should know the owner of every restaurant you frequent you should get the norms you could take a peek in the kitchen that's all you are always do yeah the peek in the kitchen let me see

what the kitchen looks like make sure the people aren't picking their noses I don't want to eat unless I know somebody at that joint you know yeah my relationship with them you know it's very my loyalty for different products is extraordinary like if I find something that works for me there's no reason to go anywhere yeah but it's better don't take your wife take your mother don't take me I found utopia would you ever start a restaurant or own one or invest in one it would have to be the ideal location I know exactly what I want a restaurant oh yeah I know exactly what I want and what I could cover the spread for the days of carpet joints are done you're just gonna you can't keep up with the Joneses it's it's too much yeah to keep alive a

restaurant the daytime it's too competitive yeah and you know food and salmonella and all that risk I would like a bar that served the late night menu yeah okay if I had if I moved to Louisville Reno Tahoe or something like that I would consider a bar 10 seater called intimate a couple tables I don't want it to be you know Brad Pitt's house I want it to look like you could get if you fall and slip on the floor that could be a drink go into your blood system from the floor you want to hear people be like was that cum or puke but I want the kitchen to be spotless yeah no mice no rats gotta be and I want a place where people go on 11 30 and get an open cheese steak sandwich and a beer on the way home damn something that does not even exist in Los Angeles

you know I went the other night to arty Morton's I want to go up my wife I'm like how does this place close at 10 o'clock if this place closed at 12 30 I know I'd be in here with Lee once a week get an open steak sandwich oh yeah watching the TNT NBA report oh yeah oh you need something something easy on the tube too there's nothing to eat around here there's nothing like closing get 10 in a sit in one of the biggest cities on the planet it never sounded right to me and then you go to New York where you can make reservations at a restaurant at 130 right now and you're like what the fuck yeah I know man what's a treat and it's how it should be everywhere there's because there's people that you know I don't even in a small Midwest you know

I'm going to Omaha in a couple weeks and I know they're big on food and it's like but that's not a place it's going to keep things open till four in the morning because they just I don't know maybe they assume that no one's gonna want to be up that late but I'm like a restaurant by the hotel oh yeah up the corner have you been to Omaha before yeah but not this is my first time on the funny bomb okay what that hotel I'm not gonna say a name of it okay corner from that like 50 yards hit it up dog they got a nice fillet oh that lays on fried gnocchi what with a crab cake on top you literally just named three of my favorite foods oh no no fried gnocchi I've never even known gnocchi comes I just got caught in my I had to go all the way to Omaha in the brass

gotta find out that you can fry gnocchi so they fried the gnocchi they put the sirloin on top so they scrape you if the juice from the steak goes into the fried gnocchi then they put a crab cake on top of there by the way I just felt like I was at the restaurant you were the waiter describing stop stop stop I wanted that both days if you were the person describing that potential meal to me I'd be like dude let's let's put aside eating it can I go in the back and fuck that plate delicious it was delicious I love traveling oh dude I'm gonna get that every night comedy is fucking going to an off like some guy hit me up the other day and I feel really bad like I felt really bad from because I knew where his heart was yeah

but he's like man when you come to Dallas I know where you're gonna get the best burger I'm like listen when I travel the last thing I want to eat is a burger if you travel and get a hamburger yeah you're you're a step you're just a fucking step I don't care what they tell you about the burger like if you travel and actually make a date to go for a burger you should deserve to be smacked you know like when I go to travel I want to get something from the town yes I want to go like when I go to Alba what do you think I go to Albuquerque for how many counties go to Albuquerque not too many of them I do I go down there for Winkle John to see John Jones wow and I go down there for that fucking green chili and that Mexican

stuff because it's classic and classic and specific to when you go to Texas the last thing I want is a fucking hamburger no dude unless it's like you know and even then I don't want the fucking hamburger you got gumbo you got Tex max a fucking burger you know I had a burger in New Jersey and it was 27 miles outside of New York it's called the stage stage like that if you ever do New Brunswick yeah for Vinny I've done it yeah tell Vinny you want to go to the stage the stage to send over a burger from the stage I love that it's 27 miles outside of New York but it was still voted the number one hamburger in New York City holy shit like two years in a row then New Yorkers got jealous and they banned it out but we went in there for dinner the first

night yeah and the second the guy's like nobody's got the burger and we're like not really and the guy's like all of you guys know there's no more burgers in New York City we're like what yeah whatever the next night as Dean have you seen Dean Dean Doug oh yeah oh he fucking got the burger and the fries they came over they were like they want to send you over a burger on the half I said send it and I've made plans because of weight watches yeah you know me I try you're killing it you're killing it I cut it in half okay I said I'm gonna make a deal myself you know I don't know how many calories you burn points you burn when you're on stage and now I do know that when I get on stage after two hours of calmly I'm fucking starving yeah I could eat a fucking

bowl that's why I bring protein bars with me for the whole time good move protein bars protein shakes you know sometimes I'll break for a law and order let's say it's a law and order where the where the mother paid the fucking the hospital clerk the fucking retarded daughter that she was dying and she couldn't have a kid so they wanted the kid you know that classic story it's a good yeah they paid should have won an Emmy they paid the fucking the hotel nurse yeah to fuck the daughter because she was in a coma from a car accident oh my god and she was on light support system so they painted a fucker so they're gonna have a grandchild who writes that you think that was based from a true story yeah they are 25 years of law and order is based

from stories in the paper they tell you at the end that's why they make sure that the names and changes that's all factually accurate huh they take a story from the paper from the New York had lines like some crack mother puts a baby in the microwave oven they'll just take that story to but raise the hot pocket yeah put a hot pocket in there put twins in there to boot so she'd get the flavor from the head onto the hot pocket whatever the fuck you know I don't fuck yeah dude but uh sometimes I'll take like a bag of Doritos up and I'll eat it like three or four chips I'll throw it away just something it's to pump you up for a minute but uh it's a flavor it's a juice star when I eat like I love Tuesdays at the store because I get in that car and I zoom

right over to Joe's on Hollywood Boulevard I put the hazards on and I fly in and I give those Mexicans a $20 bill and I go get me two slices in the box Robbie though like if like if ice is coming like if you know ice is two blocks away how quick how fast would you give me that slice that's how fast I want the guy gives me napkins he charges me he gives me a lemon iced tea dye and I jump in the car and I'm ready to go yeah 16 points but I save him for Tuesdays you do huh oh I basically I'll see you're fired up tonight yeah no especially with this fucking bum leg yeah I believe my wife's cooking for four days somebody stabbed me my wife's a great cook but the same cooking for four or five oh man and I can't eat breakfast no more why not I haven't

had breakfast no week because when you take pills you gotta eat yogurt and compucha gotcha if not you shit those blocks of blood on fuck yeah you know you once they give you muscle relaxers and Vicodin and clogs you up right up so you gotta eat a lot of you eat the shit yogurt Jamie Lee Curtis stuff right yeah gotta eat a lot of yogurt who would have thought that Jamie Lee Curtis would be the face of shit yogurt you know Activa right is that what you shout down on she was a spokesman she gets my wife gets like regular vanilla yogurt okay oh so regular yogurt it's not the stuff with extra fiber I don't like Greek shit oh yeah that shit's nasty and a motherfucker they give it to you I'm Delta and America I'm gonna cut that

shit out and go back to Dan and you know and I have a feeling that Greek yogurt stands that owned by like a hummus company like in behind Greek hummus wasn't big Greek yogurt wasn't big so about three or four years ago everybody was happy with Dan and with the fruit of the bottle yeah dude even yo play was making a pretty good name for themselves if you look at today's article people uh people are not eating yogurt that much because the dietary things are changing I love yogurt yeah when I go to eat and I see our boy Mark Saratala yeah is that his name Saratala when I go to eat I always get the bacon eggs one piece of toast and I get the yogurt bowl it's fucking delicious that's awesome and me and my wife split it just for probiotics yeah

just to clean your fucking yeah yeah you gotta take care of yourself when you're an old fucking bat like what do you guys do a commercial like that like hi I'm Joey Diaz and I'm here for like I don't know shit yogurt or anal pads or just something like what do you like a commercial like that depends on where I am in my life if I need the product but also you know I don't it's you know if anal pads is truly coming with like you know like men's tampons like eight figures I mean men's tampons is that a real thing no I'm just trying to think I'm gonna embarrass are you trying to ask if I would take 50 mil to do a man is it yeah yeah I would see that's a good invention for you Lee right that land came in who wants big but don't have the time

they just pop in their ass and leave it there it's like Benoit balls Benoit balls you put them in your ass and then you come back that night and pull them out while you're eating a pussy there you go but isn't it for after that when you're leaking like no no that's for people who are recorded you want to get the asshole when it's tight so you put the Benoit balls in their ass before she goes to work and you leave a little fuse out like a tampon and then when she comes home from work you tell her abandon ship on the pan is gonna eat that monkey you put a two-finger louis in her pussy you eat that little clip the debt oh and then she's huffing and puffing you just rip that chain out oh shoot that poison arrow through my heart you just rip it out and blood and toys

fall out it's like a fucking Mexican pinata falls out of their ass you're eating that fucking muffler it's tremendous and now forward for my sponsor you can transpose that entire paragraph into some song lyrics oh my the church what's happening now is sponsored by policy genius you're like joey what's policy genius listen tis the season open enrollment is upon you cover your butt for 2020 now today because even if you get insurance through your job you might not be fully covered there's always a by the way most people need 10 times more coverage than what they get through their job but getting life insurance doesn't need to be difficult or expensive that's where policy genius comes in it's the same easy way to shop and compare prices for insurance online just go to

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anyway back to the show so as you were saying a couple weeks ago you and I were at the store oh yeah it was a Sunday night yeah and I don't know who showed me on we're in the main room yeah and I walk in and Bill Burr's up there especially just came out like on the Tuesday before yeah dude and he's a glorious applause when he enters the stage he's just fucking level in the room yeah and I walk in and I go I didn't even say nothing I just walked in I walked back there you were back there yeah I think uh the pothead was back there yeah what's his name um Doug Benson Doug Benson yeah a couple of Sarah Teller was there I think Sarah Teller was there and I'm looking at you and going do you want me to follow Bill and you go no I'm supposed to be up next I'll follow him like

were you sure if you want to follow him and you go yeah no I'm following Bill and you kind of turn your back and and part of me was disappointed because I wanted to follow Bill just to see where I am yeah but the other part of me was so fucking impressed with you you know I've been at the store for 23 years and when I hear the pussy shit that goes down down there it doesn't even go through my ear there was a point where I used to torture people for being picky and selective trying to massage their spots yeah massage their spots and who they're gonna follow and who they're not gonna follow yeah and I gave them shit but then after a while I stopped because I go you're gonna learn the hard way you're gonna learn when you least expect it you come down here you don't follow

nobody well one day APA's don't want to see you CBS for your showcase and you're gonna go down there and guess who you're gonna have to follow motherfucker like Bill Byrne you're gonna go fuck I should have followed him at the store on those nights where I should have followed him now I'm not ready for and it's so weird how I've always loved you I think you're a sweetheart yeah I cheer for you when I see you on different tv shows I don't know if it was the one about the music I saw you on with a nice sweater and your hair was done to the side what was that ballers maybe no yeah yeah it was ballers it was ballers you're playing golf yeah yeah we were like you know super white Trump preppy dudes giving JD Washington some shit and they always dug you and I always knew you were

hard worker but once you said that to me that night I knew you were one of us I knew that you accepted your fate oh man you're like a marine if you get shot you're okay they'll give you a mama flag yeah there's a fuck yeah yeah yeah but it just takes a weird I could tell you thousands stories at the store people calling up and complaining and people who just stopped showing down it because they had to follow a particular person that you just failed you fell on your own with that you're giving up if you're doing that huh you gave up before you even fucking started fuck I never understood what the mentality was behind that yeah that was uh that was crazy and I love it for even acknowledging that because it's like you know I'll be honest I'm back there and

it's like you know birds ripping the room and uh and you know I'd followed you uh a bunch in the OR which to be honest like that's one of those spots too I've never viewed massaging spots as even an option and I think I saw people doing it early on and I was so turned off by it oh man I was like oh and I was like why would you want to go up before you and I'd see people do that and then still be at the bar or they'll be at the bar or they'll be like I got an early flight and then they're hanging out and I'm like oh dude true colors and you're like do I smack this guy yeah like go up to him embarrass and not the other guy you just go hey he's getting it he'll get his okay oh and you know what I know two or three guys I used to see them do that a lot in bar shows and today they're dying

stand-up is one of the most just professions where it's like man the ball don't lie you know I'm saying and if you kind of if you start trying to you know mix and maneuver and just like adjust things the way that if you're worrying about things other than then ripping it on stage and doing doing your job and trying to get the most out of that for you if your head's in other spaces at least that's for me what I figured out I was like if I'm going to be concerned with when I'm up in the lineup then I've already lost for the night as far as whatever I'm going to do on stage because that's I've already kind of put these blocks and barriers up of like oh I can only do well if I'm there or I I can't do the things I want to do because of this and that which is so fucking insane

to even actively do that to yourself and so being at the main room also it's like the store has become this you know real especially now you know when I was working the phones there around 2013 I think and 2010 actually and you know it was it's it's obviously a different energy now it's a different and and so you want to you want to be a part of that even more and you want to be in the thick of it and being in the main room and was packed like that and and the idea of being sandwiched in between you and Burr was like you know just something I was like an outer body experience for a moment because look you know the lineups you you know I'll do the 9 p.m. a lot in the OR and then or 11 15 11 30 and the main room sometimes it just shakes up how it shakes up and there are

times when you're on a certain spot or and Burr or somebody will come in and and even and guess what if you had said to like I I got to get out of here or do you or I got a spot in the OR do you mind if I go next yeah like I'm I'm so easy with that too again because I'm not trying to go I have no ego about it where it's like yeah I'll go after you and then after because I've also again heard the people that go well I don't want to the room will be dead they say you know the they'll be tired of laughing Burr then Joey and then I'm going to go up like so that doesn't even cross my mind but I love you so if you were like dude I got to get out of here my legs hurting can I do this and and then bounce over like fuck yeah dude because you know

so those types of case by case things should always be you know you know present in your mind but but yeah man the challenge of it of like following that and then bringing you up and dude it made me want to like you know you you want to always get great I was watching yeah I mean do that you were confident yeah like rattled because that's what most Americans were most humans were my blaming this on Americans for yeah we lose in our mind before we get there and for years I lost in my mind before I get there yeah I could tell you guys thousand we could sit here till tomorrow on how many things I didn't do because of my fear honest and damn for real yeah I remember going to a comedy contest one time before any of us

started I'm the old man in the room the big contest was HBO came to the town okay and let's say Lee lived in Boston and you lived in Milwaukee HBO showcased everybody then they narrowed it down in three yeah came back and had a big yeah yeah and then if you were really lucky they narrowed down into regions and then you went to national so the big ones with Johnny Walker I don't know if you know this if you go into old archives Johnny Walker booze was huge into comedy yeah in the 80s early 90s if you won Johnny Walker it was Johnny Walker HBO and San Francisco comedy competition I know about that one yeah so you had to do something in those three to make a name huh to make a name yeah to get the ball going yeah Johnny Walker was like guaranteed 20 weeks from

the improv god damn um you know $50,000 cash and you got to do a spot in front of mitzsche on a sunday night I'll take it right that was clean I like that was but I you know many of those contests I went to and just looked around and I got intimidated by t-shirts like guys that have like Minneapolis Conley's own yeah yeah yeah there was a guy that had an mbc shirt and I'm like fuck this I just ran out of it no way get an mbc jacket and I just left because I thought I didn't have a chance it's not so crazy so but I'm not the only person who's done this yeah I've known I know from experience of living in LA people who have just not come back to the store because it wasn't you know listen not the lab factory isn't for everybody the improv on

melrose isn't for everybody and the comedy stores and for everybody I like all three of me too but I've had people come up to me and go dog I can't step foot in the store why it's too dark to this they're creating excuses for themselves because the fear is no you don't think in my mind there's a lot of clubs I don't like now if they're paying the big I like them you know what I'm saying if you want to pay the freight we'll make an exception but if you're not gonna pay the freight there's just clubs that you just don't like some about it of course there's gotta be three clubs right now in your arsenal how long have you been doing comedy for 13 years 13 years there's three clubs that from the minute you walk in you feel creepy and every time you walk in there you go

this is my last time and this mother tell you they call you with a bigger offer and you're like god damn it mother was fucked you know I don't want to go there I want to go to penguins and gonna pay you this yeah you know there's so many fucking places that you don't like and I get that I you know I think that since I've been at the store for the last 16 months I've changed completely as a comic because I was shopping around town too much and I was getting whatever just disenchanted other comedy clubs I feel now that for me to improve and grow I just gotta go to the comedy yeah there's no better place than me following Adam Ray one night you know fucking Brad ain't no party to fucking oh yeah dude uh follow either that's Bobby Lee's no fucking party yeah man

Rogan's no party run white's no party you know forget chris delir yeah if he gets him jumping up and down you got a long 15 minutes ahead of you yeah you know if there's a 70 to 70 percent average of hot chicks in the audience and chris delir goes up you mothers will fuck to shoot yourself like that back there because you ain't get nowhere you know you gotta make time for them to put their pants back on girl you're not getting nowhere so what you do is you go up there you watch them do not go up there like it took me a year to learn how to follow heavy acts like if you go up what you do what was your process my process at first was to go up there and focus too much on Lisa yeah let's keep it going for Lisa had he did a great job tonight

he's a real fucking pro yeah okay here we are and i'm not a pro fuck Lisa yeah you walk in there and say keep it going for Lee and you fly into Lee's energy so those last three or four jokes Lee said while you're sitting in the back of mitzi's chair you're picking up his word yeah is whatever because you're gonna go up there and flip right into his energy so when he walks off stage he's gonna leave that costume and you're gonna walk into that have you ever seen like a play oh yeah yeah yeah yeah how they walk off there's five people holding something and they just zip you up it's like meaning the Indianapolis 500 yeah a pit stop yeah yeah yeah pick you up it's the same thing you've got 20 seconds to get into sleaze costume do his tenacity don't put them down don't go let's

keep it going for chubby motherfucker oh dude you just lost they loved them why would you why would you do that dude why and i've seen it a thousand times oh god i know it's let's keep it going for the mexican well they love that mexican god yeah what are you doing keep it going for the mexican you have to suck his dick but celebrate him for a minute you better and i used to celebrate them like let's keep it going for paul mooney yeah yeah you know i'm forming at the mount i'm giving them their resume oh yeah yeah i'm putting myself down another like who's this guy yeah who the fucking you forget he's fanning out over yeah i'm not being disrespectful to lee i'm just saying you saw lee he killed fuck he's done did i he's on his way up lower okay i honestly think that's

the only way to do it that's how it is to ride the wave you know exactly what i thought that night dude burr gave me a pretty nice intro because i even said he goes he was what do you want me to say about you and i go and i never even thought you know burr was and you know we've been homies for a few years now so so i was like oh and i started to kind of think and i pause and then he just goes you know what nah fuck it at first i go i go i whatever you want and then he goes really and i go actually you know what he goes no no fuck it i got it whatever whatever i want he goes i got it and i'm like oh great now what is he gonna fucking do but he's just such a sweetheart such a pro gives me a nice intro i was on a show with a mutual friend of ours uh from new kids on the

block this guy joy mackentire and he loved that show so he gave me a glowing thing about it he's like i fucking love this show he was on with my buddy joy mack one of the new kids he's fucking hey it's great it's fucking got a podcast with the little fella and then he just goes you know no he was giving up it gives me you know so i'm going out there with a true opportunity to win you know i'm saying and uh and again i stepped out and he fucking murdered and i know you're coming up behind me dude so it's like in my head i'm like i got excited for the crowd i was like dude if i just ride this wave i always got energy so i know i i'm always just gonna take it up a notch and then so it was a i got excited the idea of it going you know burn and i ride that wave

into you and then you just fucking blow the roof off dude and that's what happened but but having any thought different than you know you know and it's again i didn't fucking overly praise burr you know it's just like keep what you gotta say keep it going man bad mother oh shit said something else and then i got right into them what's up you savages yeah dude right into burr's gone he just switched the channel so he's off the stage yeah keep him there like a memorial if you keep talking about him you're not gonna think about him where is he looking for him where what side did he walk out of is maybe i can go say hi to him no man i would go up give him praise man go berth said something really fun bill said something really funny yeah what the fuck are

you talking about what are you rehashing his shit for yeah what are you rehashing trying to move forward man so it was just so much i called rogan the next day i saw something fucking crazy last night fucking i went up to adam ray asked him if i could follow bro he's like no i'm next and he's like he's the real deal i go right now joe said that yeah because we live for that shit that's what yeah being a comic that's what being a human being is yeah is eliminating all the fear from your life to get the most potential from your life yeah the more fear you hide you know and i listen and don't go well joe he just said you know i got fear of fucking hindu food you know it's a real fear of your food real fucking sandals on yeah hindu i don't like Thai food you know

but those insecurities are not teaching me something like i really don't want to travel abroad like i'm just scared like i don't know if i'm scared i don't want to do it like i should i get my visa i know i'm going to learn a fountain of information yeah by going abroad yeah you know and that's what we're scared of sometime that we might learn something that's something good might happen you know i took me 14 months to get on stage the first time why do you think because i was scared too long people in the trunk of a car i break into places i stole jewelry stores i do shit they nobody you know i used to pick pocket people at supermarkets what people looking at the odor and leave their purse open i just walked by with friday when you get paid they please tell me

you made that face too when you did oh yeah take it to go take it to go so i did all these things but i'm scared to go up on a stage and do three minutes something i've been doing all my life except without the stage we've been being social all our lives well that's what's crazy about stand up dude that you truly i mean pick pocketing rob whatever but there's still what is it about getting up there by yourself and and having all these people that's why so there's a select for you that do it and really end up standing out through the test of time because a majority what percentage of the world do you think just could not even fathom i mean do there are people that i respect on a huge level that that aren't in the comedy world right that have other avenues that

they've you know really um you know achieved a lot of greatness in and they look at and they talk to me with this like deity type you know amazement of like i don't know and i'm like what do you mean me like i'm talking like athletes and other people i'm just like a surgeon yeah yeah you're a surgeon i've had surgeons come up to me and go i don't know how you get up on stage every night that was shit you put a heart back together yeah what about when i'm cutting you with a scissor i gotta make sure i ain't the wrong fucking sheet you know i think you know i i mean i gotta make sure i'm using a knife not a spoon it's funny mercy my daughter had an assembly yesterday and at dinner we were talking friday and she goes you know dad i've done it

with other people on stage yeah this time i have to say it by myself i tried to explain to her that next to death the second biggest fear is public speaking because the survey years ago when they asked people what their biggest fear is death and what's your second biggest fear public speaking some people cannot even think about it can you even think of a time when you were though like that where you would put those two in the same boat where you would go death public speaking or were you was it always like was there a point where you ever were like i can't imagine being on a stage talking in front of people me yeah oh was it always something like oh i could do that i could do but i just don't have any robins yeah with the earplug and him doing this thing his

headset and all that in 86 and he would walk through the house like he just doesn't stand up there he'll talk for a while he wants to be a part of the people right he walks through the house and he'll go you you know you have to know how to roll the sheets up and he'll roll his sleeves up right rub your shoulders take his jacket off yeah i thought that was pretty amazing i didn't know how you could do that i didn't make a mental note whether i could do that or not at the time i just knew that that was pretty fucking amazing i always appreciated people who could just i don't know i i can't tell you that i i wasn't or was gonna do it got you i didn't have an opinion for it at all got you but i felt comfortable talking around and then we did like book reports

yeah you had to go up in front of the class yeah i remember kids crying and i don't know what you're crying about oh yeah just go up there and read the fucking sheet and say that you're dead yeah and then in the sixth grade i was expecting you to connect no or make a fucking jaw dropping performance yeah so i think i got over it early like the stand you know and then people tell you you're funny you're funny for you to stand up and you're like then the first time you have to stand up you go up there and realize that what you've been doing all those years is the stand like you thought it was stand i have three kids laughing at fucking kickball recess i thought i could take that energy and the worst is when you invite your employees oh yeah

the people you work with come to one of your second or third performances and you're like i can't wait he's so funny at work and they're all just sitting there waiting to laugh when you're at the comedy works finally and there's no lapse no no and then afterward they're like he was so good and they're always they always do i've seen it in like a belly room shows where there's a guy comes brings 40 employees and he also is so out of his element and so overly ambitious and they're so excited and supportive but you're you know you get a little blue right off the bat and because he thinks like that's what's funny so he's up there talking about like man and you know work's tough and it's tough working across from somebody like Karen and everyone's like yeah Karen he called her

out he's like because all i can think about is boy what does that pussy taste like and everyone's like who hey what like is that the joke like he just you know i'm saying like and then he's breaking the wall a little bit too much because he thinks like oh this is comedy because he's it's what he sees and he hasn't done it enough to really you know have a point of view he's just like this sounds funny and oh man it's the worst in the best times the worst days in my life oh yeah i think what you were saying too about getting like you know even you telling me that you told that to rogan is really cool because you know you you know you want the respect in the on some level of your peers right and and to even get to a point to where i could be at the store and be a

regular and be on a show like that and have an opportunity to be in a place where i'm between two fucking beasts like that two true uh true legends of the game people that are just that people look up to like that on a large scale like you gotta you know i even had there was no doubt in my mind to not you know and and i could almost feel i had to kind of gauge you i was like is he trying to fucking test me right now or is he i was like because i know what i'm going to do my answer is but it's also i had to take a beat once i was walking out and you because you said to me after you like i was fucking i was making sure he's like because if if you uh were going to let me go and you didn't want to seize this moment you're like i was going to go tell uh tell the little guy to

find another tall person to do the podcast with you know yeah it pisses me off but but it just shows me who you are yeah dude it just you just cut through everything i have i can't i can't respect there's a comment and getting that respect is what you want and i do want to say this too because it's like you know hearing that about joe you know there's certain people too that you get in this business where you you know that that have uh that you put up on these pedestals right and having like the store where it's a very there's a good sense of community like there's a the fun and the you know the pressure of some of these rooms and wanting to crush and and i hear comics all the time saying like dude i can't even do new material in the or now because it's packed and it's always

you know i'm following this i'm following that so i i feel like i just got a crush i can't do my shit so there's there's different energies change in every night but but uh i was in the or or one night and this to my point about appreciating that that you even told that to rogan because you know i think we'd been on shows i'd brought him up a few times in the main room but you know everyone's doing their thing not paying attention all the time to what's happening prior to to them being on stage and i'm in the or and jeff scott and i every time i'm up will sometimes do a little uh you know because i got a big musical theater background i used to bring my buddy avie pierce on the road with me and he'd come on stage with his keyboard and after an hour 20 of stand-up we

do about 20 30 of improvised musical crowd work so any crowd work i've done in the show we now do improvising songs off the crowd and you know i've been singing my whole life he sings too joe it fucking blows the roof off and it's something different and it's you know as a white dude it's uh separates me a little bit to be like oh there's another kind of skill set that he's bringing to the table that's not just jokes and to see a white dudes that are doing clubs are on the country and so uh so rogan's back there they're griffin and i you know i don't know if he'd seen me really on stage yet i know he'd heard you know whatever but when i bring him up on on stage in the main room and and he's back there and i'm messing around with jeff a little bit

and it's a small crowd and it's fun or whatever and and then i get off and i see him and uh eric talking in the back and my first thought is and i seem kind of like talking to eric and i was like my first thought was kind of insecure about like i bet he's didn't wasn't a fan of the the musical stuff that we were doing right it was so it was a little different and then it gets up and kind of walks by me and i go to eric i go oh man was joe was he like not uh speaking highly of of of that he's like and eric's like oh what what do you want me to say man you know what do you want me to say and i was like i was on he's like yeah he's like he was you know just kind of you know taking a couple jabs at whatever that was and not in a you know

malicious way but just the way that you kind of you know do with your buddies and and again we chummy enough at that point so i didn't really take it for too much to stop doing it but there was a piece of me too that was like and it was a real good learning moment because it was like it got like you know it aided me for a minute because i was like god man here's this guy that like you know i ain't looking to be best friends with but you get to a point when you're around and uh the store or any club so much where you get to be on a peer level with someone that you want to like have that evolve and grow and you want to hope that there's another instance where i'll be at a bar and and we'll have a chat that'll go 30 40 minutes and we'll learn more about each other

and and you just you know get to pick somebody's brain about comedy or whatever and and in that moment i was like oh man is that like i started getting real insecure about is does he now think i'm that comic because i know i was like he hasn't seen me on stage now he maybe thinks i'm just some guy that fucks around does musical shit in the or in front of 50 people so anyway to circle that all back around the fact that you told that to joe and he uh you know i was pumped about it that was that was that means something to me man so i appreciate it find out somebody says something about me and they will follow me i'll tell joe and me and him laugh our asses off and we figure out a torture for this person so we can sandwich him certain nights and there's a dude at the store

that won't come down on tuesdays no more why not because i'm down there and when i'm down there he gets like if i have a 10 30 and he has to go up behind me he's down there at 8 15 because he's waiting for me to miss that by one minute and he actually complained about me there's been a couple of dudes oh shit have complained about me and i laugh at them and i feel sorry for them yeah that you would let a fat felon old man get in your comedy career like you would let me stand in your way where i would keep following me and figure out how to follow me and i know it's like that night if i would have followed burn i would have ate a bag of dick i would have gone home i would have analyzed it honestly why i followed why i blew you know suck the dick after bill burr was he that powerful

nobody's that powerful it just wasn't that i wasn't that prepared so that's how you learn to follow people that's why i always really like the store yeah because it teaches you how to follow on the ray of people but if mincy sure found out to the great buddy oh yeah that adam ray had a hard time following joey and he's vocalized in a few times and it got back to her you're dead oh yeah oh she would make you drive the lawyer and follow me after i had line like just for principle are you fucking kidding me i love that dude go down there after then you're like i don't want to drive down there to follow joey like it's an exaggeration yeah yeah but what i'm saying is that that's what she did to help you huh i went up to like the first ring i'm like do me a favor i want my career

this last year i want to keep doing spots don't put me in the main room no more and she's like why not go that was the worst experience of my life big mistake she put me in the main room every saturday at 145 that's the spot date oh yeah it's a 300-hour spot yeah when you're broke yeah 300 hours oh that's a lot of sandwiches let me tell you something when you get off the stage you're like i could have sucked three dicks or done that spot because if i would have got a hundred free dicks i'm just gonna say how do you know what you're getting my eyes just sucked it it would have been better than doing that spot because i just died like quarter to spot you're gonna die yeah especially if you have to find a holstman especially with this four people left oh yeah

dude so all these things when you go home after those situations you tell yourself this isn't working yeah i'm not gonna start roller skating again or skateboarding but little do you know that those situations are building you very strong yep and they may not be every night you get every night when you go on stage listen whether you're again whether you're a polymer electrician a carpenter every time you go to work you get something from like for us as comics we either get something ego boosting a new joke there's always something there's always a result to a set always even if you're not purposefully trying to like do a new bit to get something out of it like you grow you grow yeah just from that rap and it's on the nights that you don't think you're

gonna grow when you grow nights that you're like fuck i should cancel oh yeah and then you go down and you have to follow somebody and the joke you were gonna write you changed it before you went up and it worked huh you know there's so many little fucking things you could take out of a set it's not just win or lose it's not like me entering a swim race where i take first second and third and i lose with comedy you might lose by not having a great set yeah but you learn something we're here another great example of that the main room that was where i showcased the one time for mitzi right and all her only feedback by the way was why do you wear a hat because i had a backwards hat on i was like what about the material she was like i just saw the hat and i was like fuck

but it was such a like cutthroat thing to say and i was on this bringer show right and but back then you know you do three minutes for your showcase this was about 2011 and uh and she was still coming around but you know less and less but she was there in the main room watching with tommy and uh and the runner of the bringer show i was supposed to go it's supposed to be a host then one of the bringers and then um comic comic comic that was going to showcase and instead this guy who was wearing the bringer show said i had good energy and he goes you're just going to do a you're going to cold open i'm going to put you up top for your thing and i was like and i started getting in my head and we're talking about massaging spots i was like dude this is not

setting up to win at all this is my showcase like i know i'm supposed to be later on three minutes up top or the drinks are coming in and he's and he made this whole point though of he's like hey if you're ready you're ready then you can go out cold with three minutes and part of me was like yeah i think there's some truth to that but also like fuck you fuck you like this is not where that i'm supposed to be in the showcase it's three minutes i'm going out cold like this is the mitzvah they're waiting so i go out and drinks are coming and and you know when you're also going out first you feel responsibility to play a little bit of host and welcome everybody in but i got three minutes i got no time for chit chat and

how you doing and you guys excited for the show whatever so i just get up and launch into material which nobody was really ready for and it did not go well and i was in my head and i started making excuses right after of oh i was my position it was this and that and then mitzvah being like i didn't like your hat and i'm just like dude nothing about my fucking jokes or performance was critiqued that night uh and it took me man a good probably close to a year to like just look deep inside myself and go dude if you were fucking ready and poised and just like how we just talked about which is fucking crazy what seven eight nine years full circle get another main room you know experience moment to go you know uh are you gonna make excuses or

you're just gonna like jump on uh jump on the on the wagon and take advantage of what's right in front of you and it's like you know i thought for so long i was like dude it was because i didn't get past then because i had to go first and it's like no man if if you had your shit together you would have gone out and done your thing and mitzvah would have uh been like i hope you only wear a hat you know i wouldn't have worried about that yeah she wouldn't have worried about that it's funny cow i think she said things to you also the fuck with you looking back at it now oh for sure right yet to make you go home and go talking what the fuck yeah how should that matter but we're 12 months on that joke about the farting in the cup i fall down the stairs and now i got a fucking worry about

that yeah it's uh it's such a long life is such a great journey you know why fucking live in half cocked and half scared wow yeah dude and that was me till i was like 20 something i was just half scared don't get me wrong i'm kidnapping people robbing apartments and robbing coke do you have a best kidnapping like out of all the kidnaps no i only have one kid okay great you tapped out after that yeah it's a pretty good one but you don't really know it's kidnapping till you do it because kidnapping isn't really me calling adam rey's father and saying i need 250 000 kidnapping is me taking you from one room to another without your consent so if i put a gun to you know let's go in the bedroom let's go see that safe and how much your money got in there that's kidnapped yeah

that's against your fucking will wow but if i'm talking about like all the criminals creepy shit i did like i didn't have fear to do that but my biggest fear was getting on stage and i had a thousand of those fears growing up man like little things that could have catapulted you yeah not just stage little things or additions that you might not go for yeah i don't really want to go to the audition what are you scared of not getting it not getting it or getting it and blowing the fuck up oh shit yeah what are you fucking scared of both way you only got two things that happen blowing the fuck up with them saying no and then you try back again you know she think there's a time that that uh human beings just on a whole like get comfy with facing any of

those fears like do you think somebody at 20 who maybe didn't have the experience you did you think they're faking it if they're like i'm ready to go i want to what do you think some people truly are born and have this uh level of of uh i don't know confidence and just a sense of yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna make the best with whatever happens you know i'm saying listen some of us are born with more talent than other but we could all work to get that talent equal yeah one another yeah yeah works work you know obviously all three of us had a comedy buck now we have to work it and to mold it into like a sculpture right yeah something like that yeah we have to work it to find out it's you what was the question that was the answer that was the answer that was the

answer i didn't know well i'm just i was just curious if you think like people you can if there are even at that young age because you said it what 27 is when you're fears right is that what you said kind of went away well i was just like it took me so long to get on stage like nothing bothers me more when somebody comes up to me and says hey i'm moving to la in 14 months and you're like what's gonna happen in 14 months well i'm gonna i got a new job and i'm gonna pull away 800 a month you're dead you're dead you're not gonna come out you're not gonna put 800 a month because if you know anything about life shit happens i just ripped my fucking hamstring yeah shit happens on a daily yeah so for you to tell me you're gonna put 800 a month away and move

out in 14 months nothing bothers me more than ever since i got into comedy like i started comedy my thing is go like if you come to me and go joey i'm thinking it's starting comedy i'm the type motherfucker that'll drive you to your first open mic just for you to get a little wow because if i gotta hear you tell me 10 times how you getting material ready oh god yeah get ready go up don't worry bro yeah i'm getting it ready three months man you know how long i had that excuse for yeah i use that excuse i'm getting my material ready i got a killer seven minutes ready it's like when you walk into that gym and you go how much is it to join the gym and then like 80 thousand like that's cheap but you see people like sweating blood and people crawling you're like i'll be back

and then every time you walk down that block to get a slice the owner comes out every time he's like hey when are you coming next week yeah and then you run away like next week yeah next week that was me yeah next week that's the same thing to a comic when people hit me up i get hit up once a week hey man i don't know shit i'm getting material ready i'm thinking i'm going on stage i'm gonna feed you for you in five years man yeah i'm gonna feed you for you i don't want you to think about it your first time on stage you're going on stage to die you're just going on stage to get your feet wet and now and get that rush it's so tough to hear i want you to get that rush yeah and then come back to me then we got something to talk about but if you're gonna come up to me

and say i'm getting on stage in a year what kind of material should i write it gotta get a little taste of it first before you start playing it doesn't matter what material you should write because you're not gonna remember it the first time you go up there and 80 eyeballs are looking at you and there's nothing but lights and you can see the people all the way in the back like you could be fucking blind and when you go up on a stage you can see that one head that's popping through the back that one guy that's trying to look like this motherfucker he could see me from all the way back there you little fuck like you could see all that stuff yeah so i don't know that ever since i got into comedy the stall tactic i saw right through it and i never stalled again

i go to a jujitsu school i like it where's the card let's sign up today i want to go home and discuss with my wife and see what plans this is no one-footed one-foot out business you just shot yourself and the people that start i got a buddy that's six months in he's like when's it gonna get better when am i gonna start getting on how do i when do i become a regular when when's the bombing gonna stop i'm like that's up to you man and that's also you know up to just the fucking comedy gods and like the like there's so much that's out of your control control what you can control you know funny is that question when is the bombing i know it's like a woman who gets beat up every night by her husband and she's like when does this end and we come home and just smack you again that's

exactly what comedy is the first two years it is you're a domestic wife you just get domestically abused there's no cop to call the only cop you call Joe Menente or fucking the guy who runs the club there's nobody to call yeah it's such a and i do it again i'm wanting to do it again yeah a thousand percent would you start all over again i'm i know nothing i know nothing different man me neither yeah like i would do it again just in your blood do i know just to get yelled at yeah like i remember going to new york because i love that part of it and you have to that's why we're here you have because you love that part because you knew that this was gonna you know it was built into this you know i still remember going to comic strip and wanting to get spots in new

york and then like lucious you had to sell tickets door to door and you know me dog i'm a great sales man oh yeah i like that and i still remember selling and like doing like i just saw the last pass i gotta nimble up with 400 and i remember being like on 78th street walking to the comic strip and going 400 why would i give it to this fucking guy for the spot i could do a spot anywhere yeah i'm keeping this 400 fucking with his tickets and i went to Harlem and i come back where's your tickets i dropped them here last week okay you could do and i still remember getting like two spots no way from selling tickets and maybe like eight of mine people in there and me just dying like you were walking off the stage knowing you just ate a bag oh shit

there's nothing you could do like there's nothing you could do i just remember how that tasted so you can wash it out never have it back in your mouth again yeah there you go that's the that's the thing that's where it is where can they find your website at man adam rake comedy.com is uh where all my tour dates are and you're traveling a lot brother right now yeah uh i got Omaha funny bone coming up and tempi improv and um dc improv for new years great club yeah first time headline there yeah and feces phenomenal i love it i went there with bobby lee it was my first uh when i was free perfect club yeah it's i mean underground i feel like he shouldn't be there packed intimate great acoustics or killer tempi's great you're doing tempi improv and copper

blues live that's december 5th through the 8th uh and then uh and then 2020 minutes you know uh helium in portland and hyenas and uh baltimore it's all adam rake comedy.com about last night the podcast with brad hopefully we can get you on before uh brad leaves to come with dad oh my yeah my special uh read the room uh it's out and uh i got a comedy music album coming out december 13th uh got a cartoon with seth green coming out on hulu uh called crossing swords and then uh hopefully more shit i don't know i love you i love you too man thank you so good to see you for doing that that night because i was getting every time i thanks for fucking you know checking me every time i get down down there it's always the most obscure guy that comes through for me

and lets me know i'm not fucking crazy and that night you let me know i was because there's it like i said there's a dude who will follow me and when i see him he'll always come up to me like he tries to be cute and go are you gonna use structure this evening and i'll go you know man i'm not sure i'm thinking about it but i really want you to do to me so i'm top of everything that he won't want to follow me i break his balls oh my god i don't break his balls that disrespectful way yeah i tell him you should teach me how to do comedy that's what i'm missing if i had your writing skills there would be no stopping me but he refuses to follow me so like tonight he will not be down there he's never down there that's who's saying that and this time

is like i don't call him for thursday and i see he's down there for thursday and i'll call adam let me get down there right in front of him and adam if i can he's already said to me that he's god damn man you know what i got one date left i'm in miami for thanksgiving but everything sold out all i got for you motherfuckers the new one right second show what's that new miami i've been there it's amazing yeah i'm i'm excited oh good the only tickets that are available right now a town hall second show december 6 december 7 sold out the chevalier theta and boston chevalier theta so all i have for you guys is the second show december 6 10 30 town hall which is going to be fucking off the chain anyway i love that

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ready to rock and don't forget adam ray dot com adam ray comedy dot com adam ray comedy dot com don't forget joey deas dot net the hoodies are coming don't forget tickets for december 6th at town hall and that's it and that's that have a great fucking week i'll see you here's monday morning tip top magoo ready and mother fucking go kick this mule league beautiful do listen to the wind blow walk to the sunrise do run in the shadows

and if you don't love me now you will never love me again i can still hear you saying never break the chain i can still hear you saying listen to the wind blow down dawn's the night run in the shadows down your love down your life do break the silence down the dark down the light

and if you don't love me now you will never love me again i can still hear you saying never break the chain you don't love me now you will never love me again i can still hear you saying never break the chain you don't love me now you will never love me again i can still hear you saying never break the chain you don't love me now you will never love me again i can still hear you saying never break the chain

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