Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #744 - Jesus Trejo

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Jesus Trejo, a comedian and actor seen on Netflix' "Mr. Iglesias," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Look for Jesus' debut comedy special on SHOWTIME; and his show on Complex, "Taco's con Todo" in early 2020.  This podcast is brought to you by: Behind The Irishman podcast - Go behind the scenes with host Sebastian Maniscalco and learn about Martin Scorsese's new Netflix movie "The Irishman." http://smarturl.it/behindtheirishman MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.

Greetings, Cotsuckers, it's December 16th. Welcome to Podcastsville. It's the church of what's happening now. Brought to you by MyBookie.ag. What the fuck? We're in heavy's duty bowl season. We're fucking going crazy. Did you have the fucking Patriots yesterday?

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How it was made into an official podcast with my main man, Sebastian Maniscalco. The Irishman has De Niro. It has Pacino. It's got Joe Pesci. And again, Sebastian Maniscalco. All three episodes are out right now. Today, Monday, spoiler alert.

Watch the Irishman on Netflix before you listen to the podcast. Search for Behind the Irishman. Wherever else you listen to podcasts. Watch the movie. Then go to Behind the Irishman. The church is also brought to you by, and I'm hooking you up. I think like fucking Thursday or Friday is the last day you could order a gift and get it because Amazon

or wherever the fuck they live is going to shut you down. But listen, you're sitting there right now. It's Monday morning. You're like, when am I going to get my uncle? For fucking Christmas. And then picture your uncle and ask yourself, does his asshole stink like fucking death? It probably does.

He's a truck driver. He gets in and out. He drinks a lot of coffee. He's fucked up. That's when Hello Tushy comes in. You're like, Joey, what's Hello Tushy? Hello Tushy is a portable bidet that takes you 10 minutes to install

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So do me a favor. They started $79. Go to hellotushy.com slash church and get 10% off your order. Kick this motherfucking muley. It's Monday morning. Oh shit. And you thought it was safe.

Fuck it. Little Carlos on a Monday morning, you know what I'm saying? You motherfucking spic haters out there suck my dick. There you go. Spine. Are you kidding me or what? Changed the fucking game this fucking little Mexican. Get the syringes.

Here we go. Here's the shot of heroin. Nicky six. Here we go. And most people didn't know what he was saying. They just, I love this. I love this. Now that it's just some onion dip.

Anyway, what's happening you bad motherfuckers? I got myself, I got Jesus Trejo and my main man, the Christ killing the fucking house. What's happening? What's up you guys? Thank you guys for having me again. Absolutely. This is a blessing man.

We had a good time Friday. We shot a little fucking video and we laughed our asses off. You're right, Joey. Oh, we're right together. We fucking just. Oh man. I like going off anymore.

I don't like just plain calming no more. This is my life ain't no Saturday Night Live edition. That's the worst fucking show on television. I swear to fucking God. It's not worth that. If you watch Saturday Night Live, shoot yourself. If you wake up, if you go to work on Mondays and tell your friends,

how good is Alec Bolton this weekend? Take a fucking black cock and shove it up your ass. It's over. You're a dumb fuck, okay? I fucking hate you Saturday Night Live people. I have for a long fucking time. I'm happy. It's a holiday season.

I feel honest. It's like a week away from Hanukkah. I can't, you know, right? You're like a week away from Hanukkah. I honestly don't know what it is this year. It changes every year. It's like the 27, 26 something. Maybe the 20, who cares?

Who gives a fuck? But we're close. We're close. That's all that matters. Yeah. Polish that beanie. Polish that beanie nice. It's holiday season.

Forgiveness. What's this fucking? What's Hanukkah? Oh, we're just happy that the oil lasted for eight days instead of one. We just want presents. Okay. That's it man.

It's not as good as Christmas though. It sucks compared to Christmas. What's going on with you? Haze, just trying. Chillin' man. I just, it was a showtime. Yeah man. Midnight spots at the store.

You're having a fucking. Yeah man, I'm just happy man. I'm just happy to be able to, you know, do my thing, do comedy. Things are looking up, you know? Just a blessing, man. It beats pushing along more. Not that there's anything wrong with that,

but it's like, hey man, I've been able to kind of, you know, make a living from my IP, intellectual property, you know what I mean? Just think about some and manifest it, make it happen. You were talking about the fields earlier. Yeah man. Talk to me.

It's crazy. I mean, you're out there working. I mean, I remember going out there work with my dad. Is this in Mexico or here? No, no, here. I'm born and raised here. Okay. I'm born and raised here in Long Beach, California.

But, you know, my parents came from Mexico. And yeah, my dad's from Sinaloa. And my mom's from Jalisco. So, I mean, I pretty much had the upbringing of a immigrant, you know? Spanish, my first language. And I have command of English to like, what, fifth grade? Cause I could speak English,

but it's like, it still was a little rough, you know? You just kind of figure it out. So, you just kind of learn English, translating for your folks, you know? In the morning, before we went out to go work, we would go to a donor shop or 7-Eleven and I ordered everything for my dad for the guys he was, he brought to work with him.

And then, you know, we drink coffee, laugh it up. It's about to be 7 a.m. That's when you can start. That's when- It was your father's company. Yeah, it was a landscaping business. Also, it was a landscaping business. Yeah, it was.

Yeah, we're gardeners and stuff. We're cooking fucking cherries and stuff like that. Oh, no, no, yeah. I mean, we did a little bit of that, like, you know, taking out grass, putting out sod, you know, taking trees out. So, we'd like, we would work the fields as far as like, planting stuff and-

I'll hold you now. 33. Do you think about that work ethic when you're doing comedy? Like, do you? Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. I'm so grateful.

My dad was a hard ass. Tough love all day. The definition of tough love, you type it in, my dad comes out, arms folded, you know? And things to that, I think I was able to apply it to comedy, you know? It was like, if I was able to be out there and working with my dad 12 hours, no problem, you know?

We just stop for water breaks, eat, listen to the radio in between spots. If I could do that, I could, I could, yeah, I could go on the road, I could do this, I could do that. I don't stop, even to a fault. I mean, we were talking about this earlier, how sometimes you're like, man, I need a break today.

Like, I just need to sleep in a little bit. And yeah, I've been able to transfer that into comedy and it just been, you know, it's been a blessing that I can multitask that way and not feel the fatigue. What's the dude who walks on charcoals and shit? The dudes that walk on charcoals? Isn't that Tony Robbins?

Yeah, Tony Robbins, for example. You go to a Tony Robbins seminar, he speaks about triggers for performance, you know? And it's so weird, like, I have a problem, you know? We all have insecurities and we doubt ourselves. I have a lot of doubt and even before you go on stage, I have a little insecurity, you know, just little touches and I think that one of the triggers,

one of the jobs that I always go back to is hot carry. Hot carry. For a minute, when you work for a cement guy that builds bricks, you know, like your shirts off, you could taste the salt from your body on your skin. Like you've been sweating since 9.15 and it's four o'clock and you don't give a fuck, you're outside, you're picking up bricks, you're mixing mortar

and it's easy, it's hard, but at the same time, you just enjoy what you're doing, that it's easy. Right. And I compare that before I walk on stage sometimes. Like I think of all these things, like I'm so petrified before I go on stage, that's why I was asking you, how is working that field that immigrant mentality

helped your comedy? I mean, last night you did five spots. Yeah, easy. Five fucking spots. People go move to New York to do five spots at night. And just to be clear, I mean, these spots weren't like packed with people. I mean, there is.

No, they never are. Yeah, they never are. They never are. One of them was the ice house was packed, but you know, it's great. I think just that mentality, it's like, you know, just moving forward and not being phased because it's like, I know,

I know what it's like to have to go to work with your dad and be sick. You know, it's like, you have the flu or you have this or you have a headache. It don't matter. It don't matter, man. It doesn't matter. My dad had to go to work.

No matter what. It doesn't matter. That's what people understand that we've become very pusified, you know. Pussified. You're sick, come on down. Right. Puck here and then go back home.

Then we're cool. I was raised under that mentality. You know, I put my hamstring. For the first week, I didn't do nothing. Then after that, I knew I got two options. Just think of curling me and I could sit here and I got an excuse not to work out. Or I could work around it.

Yeah, do other things that you can do. And the first two or three days, I was very scared. You know, and then I realized you have to give the light of blood for it to heal. You know, like you have to, it's so weird how the show must go on. You don't have time to bleed. You know, I tell people that me and Rogan

really have nothing in common except for one thing. And it builds our bond so much. And that's called the religion of comedy. Religion of comedy. I'm a Catholic. Yeah. I was a real guy and I believe I'm a Buddhist. But I was raised.

When did you start comedy? There's two questions I have for you, right? Okay. Don't answer them. When did you start comedy? And when did you start doing comedy? There's always two questions. Right.

There's always two dates. For me, I started comedy July of 91. When did I really start comedy? When did the religion sink in? And I was like, this is it. That's a great question. Rain, snow, shine, birthdays, anniversaries, no weddings. I'm selling every possession I got just to fucking force

because this is what I want to do. I started comedy July of 91. I started doing stand up October of 93. That's when I go, okay, I just got, I baptized myself and I'm in the religion of comedy. What does that mean that nothing else matters? Everything has revolved. Comedy is first.

Cocaine was a tight second. Neck and neck. Pussy was a toaster, you know? But the comedy of religion, the religion of comedy was first. That was it. I drove to wherever I had to go. Whatever hustle I had to do, when did it snap for you?

So I'm 33 now. I started comedy when I was 20, right? So I had just turned 20. Like I went up for the first time when I was 20, right? Kind of did it, bombed my ass off real bad. Got scared, didn't do it for a whole year. And I came back at 21 because that's when I can get into the bar, legally.

And I go up there and I bombed harder than the first time. I'm like, fuck all this shit. I'm gonna stick with school, you know? I think my dad's onto something with this school shit. You were going to college. Yeah, yeah, I was going to college. I ended up graduating, but I remember even when I graduated, I grabbed my diploma, gave it to my folks.

I'm like, this is for you. I'm gonna go park cars and my dad threw a fit. He said, if that's what you wanted to do, he's like, why the fuck are you wasting time and money? He's like, you're gonna, all my sacrifice, you're gonna go park cars at the store. Why did you want to park cars at the store? Because I can get stage time and I want it to get passed.

And that's how Mitzi had the system in play. You know, you do potluck, which back then was Sunday and Monday. So if you got Sunday, you weren't gonna get up Monday. So that freed up my Monday, I could do another open mic. But you do the open mic until you're basically tapped. And they're like, hey, do you want to work here? Fuck yeah, I do want to work here.

And that meant I had a guaranteed spot on potluck, Sunday and Monday now, right? And that was three minutes of stage time. That's six minutes between the two. And then you get one development spot in the belly room. That's another three. I'm up to nine minutes. Maybe run the light every once in a while.

That's 10 minutes. You feel me? A week, sign me in. So I worked a store, you know, I hung out for a year begging Tommy to let me work there. I mean, begging, hey Tommy, hey Tommy. And as soon as I was coming up to the stairs, Tommy was like, well, I know, I know what you're gonna say.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday. Hey, just putting it out there, man. I was annoying. I've never been that annoying with anything in my life. But when you want to get into the religion of comedy, that's what it takes, you know? Why did you want to do it so bad? You wanted to be around the 24 seven.

You wanted to chew it, live it, spin it. It was what I wanted to do. And then like the, just the track record of the comedy store, I mean, you know, some of the guys who I looked up to came out of the comedy store. It's like, you have Richard Pryor coming out of there. And then somebody who I became enamored with.

And I never got to me, but got arrested. So Freddie Soto. I'm like, I identified so much with Freddie Soto. I was like, well, where did he come out of the comedy store? Well, what did he do? He drove Richard Pryor around and he worked the store. Yeah, that's where I needed to be. You know, you have Jim Carrey coming out of there,

Sam Kinnison. I mean, the list goes on and on. It's like, it's all day. And I was like, I need to get in there, you know? Rogan was there, Shafir was there, you're there. It's like, it's tried and true. I need to get in, you know? And I got in and I did it.

I did every job. I parked cars for a long time. I did maintenance work during the day. I unclogged the toilets. How long did it take you to get passed? A little over two years. So it's like in under three years. Good for you.

Yeah, so I started when I was 20, but I started started comedy, September 7th, 2012. That's when I got passed. And I knew that that's when it started because I was on the road. I was on the road, I was on the road. I think I was in Chicago. We were driving cross country, me and my homie, Kyle Ray.

And we were just driving across town. We had a gig in Des Moines, Iowa at the Funny Bone. And then we had a gig at Pittsburgh Improv, right? And there were a week apart. So it was this week at Des Moines, a week in the middle, free. And then the following week, it was Pittsburgh. So we drove.

It took us a month to go there and back. So we do Des Moines. We were opening for Sticharino. And we drive to Iowa. We do the show. Then we go to Chicago. And we stay there for a whole week. And we're sleeping in the car.

One of the best times of our lives. We're sleeping in the car, eating fucking gas station hot dogs and coffee in the morning, splitting a pack of donuts here and there, buying gas station bananas just to eat healthy. And then so we do Pittsburgh. And then on the way back, we're in Chicago. And I remember this, we were at a coffee shop

at a boarder's bookstore at some mall who knows where. I couldn't tell you. And the names go up. And I think it was maybe Brenton, who sent a picture of them painting my name on the wall because I already got passed, right? So they're painting the names on the wall. And I couldn't be there for the names night ceremony.

And I was bummed out. I was like, fuck, man. I'm on the road doing open mics in Chicago in between, just kind of waiting for the gig. Because I was so bummed out. And again, Kyle was like, this is what you want to be doing. I was like, you want to be a comic, right? I said, yeah.

And I started thinking about it. It's like, if I really want to be a comic, I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm on the road doing comedy as opposed to being in town at the store and seeing my name go up. I got a picture of my name half written on the wall. And I was like, all right. That night we went to downtown Chicago

and we did some show at a bar that I ate shit at. But I got off stage feeling great. And I'm like, wow, they have no idea. Like, I just started comedy right now. Like, this is the day. And yeah, to answer your question, it was September 7th, 2012. That's crazy.

12 year difference of thinking of procrastinating. But if you started at the store in 2009. Yeah, yeah, that's around when I started. I don't know exactly when I started, but I was doing open mics in Long Beach. I was driving back and forth, you know, just, you know, I was working. I was working jobs here and there.

I was working at a steel factory. I was working in retail. I was working like whatever I could get my hands on, working with my dad on weekends, but during the week. And then eventually I got a job as an ABA instructor. I was working with autistic kids at just three to seven. I was going to school. I was like, essentially hands on teaching, you know,

and I would get out at 530 or six o'clock. That's peak traffic hours here in LA. So it would take me, if I got out at five, it would take me damn near two hours to get to the store. But that's where I needed to go to go do my spots. Then I'm working there at the store. And I remember during those times, Chappelle was popping in so it would go late.

We were there at three, four in the morning. I got to drive home, sleep, be at school at seven in the morning and do it again. And it was those weeks where he would pop in multiple times. And I'm like, this is just what it is. I remember one time a Dom Barris caught me sleeping in his car. I moved his car because I'm moving cars around

and he had the heaters on and it was cold. I just stood there and I was like knocked out. He opens the door. He said, what the fuck are you doing? Sleeping in my car. I was like, oh, my bad, my bad. Let me go sit in my car, but I mean. What makes us do that?

Great. The hustle. You know, there's something bigger. The sacrifice, the, what makes you, what possesses somebody to. Look, if I go home and my door doesn't work, like I go to turn the key or my key breaks in the door. That's one thing.

I know I got to sleep in my car, right? But you know what I'm saying? Like, fuck, fuck. You call the locksmith. He wants 800 because it's 2 30 in the morning. You know, but now the landlord, you know, you get him at eight. So what do you do?

You crawl in your car, you put your hooded sweatshirt out and you go to sleep. What we know. Okay. So you get pissed off for eight minutes. Right. You put the music on the heater and you pass out. What makes you get in the car knowing

you're going to sleep at a truck station? And some chick is going to come up to you, some chubby chicken, four in the morning, knock on your glass and go, are you looking for a date? And you're like, not really. You're filthy animal. And there's a bunch of guys shooting meth. I mean, when I used to pull into those truck stops,

they were crazy. Really? And I would have a knife. What's the name of that truck stop? I don't think we stopped there. I mean, you name it, you name it. You know, I mean, you go to some truck stops and see gang activity, like a guy going into the bathroom

and then like a guy going in and walking out, but that guy's still in there and another guy going out and that guy's still in there and another guy going out. And you're like, wow. And you're that Rome, like your joints. That's a different kind of bathroom attendant. Yeah. You're growing your joints and you have a box of chains

so you could get like, what are those fucking chips to like a cone? Oh, bugles? Bugles. I still remember living off of bugles and like Subway veggie and cheese. Like, it's so funny. It's so fucking crazy.

Like what makes you, I've asked the last three comics life, come on here. Like, yeah. I can answer that question for sure. And it's knowing that there's this book by David Lynch. And I don't remember the exact title, but it's like finding the big fish or catching the big fish.

And it's just the thought, you know, you let all these little fishes go by. It's like you're fishing, you catch one, you let it go. And that's a day job. It's this opportunity. It's an office job. I mean, you let all those fishes go because you know there was a big fish coming

and that's comedy. And for me, seeing guys like you, Rogan, you know, look at Delia, Brandon's job, like Theo Vaughn, you guys caught the big fish. And I know that. Yeah, I mean, it's like, and I know that they're- How did we catch the big fish? Because you guys are doing what you love

on your own terms. That's the big fish. You guys are doing comedy. You guys are doing what seems right to you. Yeah, I mean, look at your podcast. How amazing this is. I mean, I'm blessed that this is my second time here. The first time I was on here, your audience was so warm.

No, they're very warm. They're receptive. On Twitter, they're like, welcome to the church. They like hard work. They believe in all the shit. This is our thing. You get to create-

This is our thing. People are on your wavelength. Nobody's telling you, hey, Joey, the sponsors thing, you can't read it like that. No, they're happy to do business with you. They're happy to listen to you week after week. You caught the big fish. You have a wife, you have a kid, you have a family.

But do these things just happen? Are they luck? No. Are they persistence? You know, I believe in the universe. I believe the universe has a certain strength. And I believe that if the universe sees that you're really fucking suffering, you know,

but you're not bitchin', you're not. The universe- Perspective. The universe hates crybabies, bro. Right. And guess what? I was the biggest crybaby of them all because I know what it is to be in love.

I know what it is to break up with somebody. I know what it is to be cheated on and those feelings you get. In 1994, I fell in love with Kamlee so hard, like nothing else mattered. Right. Like you fall, like it's like falling in love with a woman, you know?

I was watching the, when you watch the Motley Crue movie, he talks about falling in love and it gave him a warmth that he never had grown up. And that woman was called heroin. For me, it was cocaine. Right. But the real true addiction was the love I had for comedy, not to be a comedy star, not to even live in LA,

just to be good. Right. Just to be a good comedian. I didn't know what time was. I didn't know what time limits were, hours, 45 minutes. I didn't know. Right. I didn't care about all that shit.

When most people, it's really weird when you're 16 and you find your mother on the floor and there's no one, you're the only person that has to take care of you. You learn real quick what things you need to drop from your life for you to survive. Yeah. Like there was no more football on Sundays.

There was, you know, when I got to high school, I did the thing that I hated. I did the thing that was uncool to do in the 70s. The most uncool thing you could do in the 70s was labeled you a loser more than putting a tattoo on your forehead that said loser was quitting high school. And because of my mother's death and because of various other things, I quit high school.

Yeah. And it was fucking painful. You know what I'm saying? When you're already tagged to be a loser, like people quit high school were losers or not necessarily, their parents had a business and they were getting groomed to take over the business when they're 40.

You're still a fucking moron. You know what I'm saying? For quitting school. But pain I think makes a thing called, it's like situations like the one you described gives you a sense of urgency that I think people don't really move with. And we've talked about my parents' health and stuff.

From a very young age, I figured out that, hey man, this is gonna be different. I can't be up playing video games. I can't do this and that. I can't be hanging out. I can't, you know, you sacrifice because you know that if there's gonna be some kind of relief to the, if you're gonna stop the pain somehow,

it's gonna be through hard work. And that's what you figured out. And I think a lot of people have figured out when you find the thing that you love to do and that you know that that thing's gonna provide for your loved ones, most importantly. And then you can get a little kickback from that too. It's like, great.

And I came here with a lot of people and 50% of these people are still here today. And I look at what they're doing, and I look at what I'm doing. And I'm not here to judge nobody, but I see the differences in career paths. And I question, you know, like it makes me feel shitty,

but I question what path that we take, that we ended up in different paths. You know, like, you know, why am I still at the comedy store when most of the guys I got put up with aren't even allowed on sunset? The guys I got passed with, like they're not even allowed on sunset. I don't even think they're doing comedy.

One guy I know for sure is in and out of a fucking cuckoo farm. That same night I got passed, he's in and out of a fucking insane asylum right now. Comedy just ate him up and chewed him up and spit him out. Every 90 days you see him on Facebook, I'm back. And he draws a picture of a guy with a missing leg or something,

but it's just like, you feel guilty, you said a name, you know, Freddie. I was there with Freddie, you know. I was trying to find my identity. And I saw Freddie go from driver to being on tour with everybody, you know, with Carlos and then doing his own tour and run. I still remember being at the Houston Comedy Festival with him

and then being on the floor under mine and fucking, it was all held down there, you know. And it's, I think about Freddie from time to time. I see Corey now a lot. Yeah. Corey's been up there shaking those titties. So, you know, 15 years later, you gotta come out and shake those titties, you know what I'm saying?

He's dead and buried. Do you struggle with the, like the survivor's remorse or I don't know what you call it, survivor's guilt of sorts? Like, you were kind of touching on that. It's like guys who you started with or got passed with and is that something you struggle with? Yeah, sometimes. I don't know if it's luck.

I don't know what I did right because I did everything wrong. But you see, I did everything wrong but I did one thing right. I put my head down and I kept going. I kept going. I never gave up. And every year I added to my arsenal.

I saw what people weren't doing and I tried to add to my arsenal. Early on I knew I wasn't gonna be Louis C.K. They would not let me be Louis C.K. And I wasn't gonna let myself be Louis. Sure, like not by taking my dick out. I mean, on the silent level, like, you know, the addiction problems I had wasn't gonna let me be Louis C.K.

But I kept showing up at the store, following Mooney every night. I didn't give a fuck about that. I didn't, when I was following Mooney all those years and going to Felipe's and all those guys' rooms and heading up at the store, I wasn't thinking of doing theaters on the weekend. I just want to be funny.

That's where people get lost. They start looking past that. And your goal is just shut your fucking... Do me a favor. Just shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up. Until you do half-time a Buffalo Saber game. Until that time, don't say a fucking word

because you don't know dick. And that's where I would go down to the store early and the guys that weren't getting up. It's just negative, it's negative and it's a reverse guilt that you're on and down and on. Well, Mitzi likes you. Yeah, what do you want me to do?

Yeah. Are you insinuating that I fucked her in either ass? No, I didn't. I come here on Sundays and I make sure on Sundays my game is on top because she's in here. See, in the old days, she would come in during the week. They would tell you, like when you got there at nine, like Mitzi's coming.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You know. Then she'd sit there and you're like, thank God, please. And you would actually get people to go talk to her. You may say, go talk to her. Mitzi's giving away spots, go talk to her.

I would trick people to go and talk to her. Like, when I was on stage. Mitzi's looking for somebody for the whole year, go talk to her. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's what you do. And when you wanted her to see somebody, you stood next to her and body blocked her. Hi, Mitzi, get the fuck out of here.

You know what I'm saying? Go take a fucking hike. You're in no danger getting a spot. Mitzi'll die before she gives you a spot in this fucking dump. You know what I'm saying? Like, they would just, whenever she was there, she'd create this fucking energy and they were coming from all over the place.

So when, you know, think about a fucking, think about parking cars. Right. Mitzi comes in at 9.30 on a Tuesday. At 9.45, there's no comedians in the building. Oh, shit. And she's sitting in there and she's like, ah, bring me water.

Pick my feet up, you know. And she, people are picking a little Jewish feet up and she put it on the stool and she sits back. There's nobody there. It's 9.45, there's nobody to talk to her. And she watches your whole set and you die a death of fucking 10 Katrina survivors. Like, you die like one of those fags in Orlando.

You just get fucking shot in the head, dog. And you walk off that stage. Remember how I said that you didn't even want, you would just look at the carpet and walk out and go. Looks like I'll be parked in cars for a long fucking time. I better get used to it. I better learn how to drive a Tesla. Because I tell people all the time,

I used to leave there going with tears. I still remember going down that hill to fountain and making that left turn. Down on my synagogue? Yeah, the tears just going down my face. Like, it's like, I want to be at the store no more. It goes, have they ever unpassed somebody? Like painted over their name on the wall or no?

I saw her throw a few people out there. I knew she threw Jerry Seinfeld out there. He was on there last week, he came for the store. Yeah, he came again. I remember the time he came in and he told the story on stage. This was maybe a few years ago, but it was like 30 years ago, just he came to LA.

He was too polished for her. That's who it was. He was too polished for her. She didn't want you polished. He basically quoted her and said that it's like, you come here to LA, he's like, no one's gonna, no one has told you no.

He's like, I want to be that person to tell you no. He's like, and he would drive down Doheny in his Porsche and she would be out there watering the lawn and they just kind of lock eyes. He's like, but she never would let him play. And then, you know, this was a few years ago and he went on stage. He said, this is my first time in a long time.

Crazy. And now he went up recently actually within a week, right? Fucking Jews, hating Jews. It's a whole fucking horror show. Do you think Mitzi's like strong aura built better comics at the store? It was that fear of, I better not bomb? Yeah.

No other club had that. I mean, Bud Freeman wasn't doing that to comics, right? Bud Freeman was out there with this fucking monocle eating dinner with 10 people, not bothering anybody. I'll never forget being in Miami and Bud Freeman was talking to one of the owners, his name was Stan. And this had to be 99.

I walk in, I cover it for somebody. They got canceled and I was the feature and I could cover, I would sell tickets down there. I had like a little white, like from doing feature work, people would come and they knew I snored a Coke and I'll never forget that Bud Freeman looked at me, he was standing right next to me, and he goes, hey, look who it is.

And he goes, what's this kid's name again? Ha, ha, ha, ha. And those are the things you really can't explain to people. Right. Like you feel like going, go fuck yourself, but you're like, I'm working, I'm getting 1200. You know what I'm saying? I can't blow this.

This is the biggest paycheck I'll ever see in my life. Right, right, right. That's so funny, man. Yeah, the store is such a, like I've, I mean, you've been there longer than I have and seen the transformation, but there's something very special about that place, you know?

I'm a different person. I have a loyalty problem. If you did something for me, substantial at some point, my inner Catholic, Cuban, Indian roots make me very loyal to you. I call certain people who were there certain parts of my life and I tell them whenever something good happens,

because I didn't want to let them down. They were there for me. They covered me at a certain spot in my life. In my life, I have a teacher named Mr. T. I call him first. He was my fucking, you know, sophomore year teacher. I took him to the premiere of fucking something I did, you know, and I think the longest yard.

I mean, he was such an impact on me comic wise, but there's always been, I say about 12 people, Jim Handy. He got me into comedy. He was a car manager at a car place. All those people, I try to call them when something good happens, because in the back of my mind, I'm doing something good for them.

I want them to be proud of me. I don't give a fuck about anybody else. I don't give a fuck about the jokes. I want them to know what they did for me. It was not in vain. I want them to know. And when Mitzi died, you know, it was like Mitzi and Brody and it was just like a weird thing.

But it was three deaths. Let's be honest. It was the death of me on Netflix. It was the death of Mitzi and then the death of Brody. It was three deaths. And I say it how it is. I tell you how it is. I was there.

I know how I felt when I got off that stage, you know, whatever, I don't care if Netflix is never gonna use me again, but it was three deaths in one. But Mitzi's death affected me. Because after she died, I didn't go to the funeral. I didn't want to be around all that. But I did think about what she meant to me.

And I said, wow, she changed my whole life because of the store. I mean, I could take it this deep because of the store I have a daughter. I mean, I met my wife at the store. I met Joe Rogan at the store. I met Ari at the store. I met Paul Mooney at the store.

I met Eddie Griffin at the store. You know, not to insult anybody. The night I saw you and we had a really good time at the improv a couple of weeks ago, the first time you were hosting. That's the first time I stepped out of the store in a year. Wow. Because after Mitzi died and after my death on Netflix, R.I.P.

I fucking. I fucking. This is how you have to be though. You have to be able to laugh. You can't live forever thinking that you're a fucking, fucking Johnny funny, you know? I'm a special bomber. I bomb on specials, but I kill at the original world.

You know what I'm saying? Devastate. Yeah. The original room, I'll shoot you down, but I bomb on specials. That's my thing, but that's my thing. Some people, next time I shoot a special, I got to call a bomber alert and have like three Iranians

there with long beads and shit and fucking give it out. Hummus chips and shit so they can get the blame. But Mitzi's death fucked me up. Yeah. Because I realized what she had done to me. Her Sunday night talks. You know, I was the oldest. So in between, I would have to go with the list

and go, do you want Hays just to go on? God no. You know, she would say, I don't want three Schwarz's in a row. Like I don't want three black guys in a row or three Mexicans in a row. So I would change it up with her. You know, I don't want three pieces of pussy.

This girl's too pretty. Put her up at the end. Like she just had the signs. Right. She just had signs. Like she had done it all before. Just trust what I'm saying to you. You know, and every once in a while, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Next week, I want you to dress like Fidel Castro and put a handcuff on. See you next Sunday. She's forget by Wednesday. Oh, okay. I want you to do Latina on night and dress up like Ricky Ricardo and get a blonde and shake her ass and spank it.

You know? She was crazy. You know what I'm saying? Every once in a while she had, but every once in a while she would just say, next time you're saying that joke, say that word, even if it's offensive. Like shit like that.

Like, fuck him. Wow. And you're like, really? And she goes, yeah, that's the word that's needed there. Why pussy to joke up. Right. And I would call. Wow.

You know what she called my wife, the farmer girl. The farmer girl. She called my wife, the farmer girl. And she called me fat. Why she do that? Cause she was a farmer girl, like me that puff. And she called me fat baby. Fat baby.

And then she put my name on the list as fat baby. I still have the schedules in my house. So you got brought up as fat baby? Fat baby. Wow. So she brought me up as fat baby. They didn't bring me up as fat baby. They brought me up as Joey Diaz,

but nobody would know who I was in those days. So she's like, his name is fat baby on the schedule. So it was a fat baby on the schedule. When did you fully ditch the fat baby? Like how long before? When she stopped coming around. Okay. That's when the name took a deathly.

Like I was like, you just want to wait. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. Listen, call me spick, negified, fucking, whatever. As long as you give me six parts a week at the company store. Remember, at this time, I didn't go to Montreal. Right.

I had fucking Shamook, his son, his grandfather, who was an agent. You know, I had fucking Johnny Rotten as a manager. Nobody talked to me. Nobody booked me for anything. That's why I started doing movies. Because they said, I'll figure out going through the back door. You look at my MDB.

It's like I got like a 6,000. I'm impeccable on my MDB. I've been shooting shit since 2003 and never stopped. What gave you the foresight, or what let you know that that was like the, I guess back door way in? I knew they didn't want me for no comedy thing. Nobody wanted to talk to me as far as a comedian.

Nobody. Not even fucking shitty C. Lee labels. Wow. I finally a guy by the name of Vic Dunlop. God rest his soul. Oh, I remember. Big time comedy, Mexican Cuban comic from the store. Big time, 70s, Kenison, fist fights.

Staten Puerto Ricans lost his leg in Vietnam. You know, he'd lost like something in Vietnam, like an arm or something. Nobody knew because he had a shirt on. Real tough guy. Nobody knew because he had a shirt on. You know, again, he was the guy that if, if I got the soprano movie, I would have called Vic Dunlop.

Vic Dunlop was one of those guys that was, he was the original cast member of Richard Price show. You know, like one of those guys. He'd been snorting coke at the store with a lame boo's lard. A lame boo's? I meant a lame boo's. Yeah, all those crazy motherfuckers. I mean, he had stories forever.

He had like this little side company in Vegas. If you have an album, I call the blue album. It's me with two chicks on the cover. That's who put that CD out. He gave me the first chance. They would pay you like $7 a minute. So I just did like 2000 minutes. Like they were back there with flares.

That lights giving me fucking sirens. I wouldn't get off. I'm the $7 a minute. Watch me go, motherfucker. And then he called me. He called me. He's like, we kept like 58 minutes. I was on the fucking couch.

I'm like, all right. So they paid you on minutes. They gave you an advance like 750. They paid you on minutes. And then every truck stop you go to in the country. The CD was there. The CD was there. They make that money.

Now they're really pushing it. And now I'm not mad at them. I won't help them push it because they won't pay me anymore. But they did give me a start. That was my first formal CD. They did a photo shoot. It was the craziest thing because it was like,

I taped it, they did a photo shoot. Then they stopped answering my calls for six months. Hello, hello. Nobody would call me. What? Then one day in the mail, I got a box of 100 of them. And they were like, good luck. That's it.

You'll never see another dime again. Well, you could sell them at the show. Because that's what they gave me. 100 of them to sell them at the show. Do you know how many I sold out of those 100? How many? Two. I threw the rest away.

Really? I didn't have the heart. I took them out one time in La Jolla. And I needed Coke money really bad. And I'm like, please. What were you selling them for? 10. And some guy came and gave me 40 dollars.

And I gave him like the 10 I had. 40 is the magical number. Take them all. Take them. If you think I'm gonna stand back and sell these things, I don't give a fuck if you take them across so you can get two dollars a piece.

And then I found a guy on Sunset. Yeah. Oh, what the fuck is the name of that place? Amoeba? They do pizza on Curson. Sierra Bonita and Sunset. Gaucho? Not Gaucho.

Oh, the Italian place? Yeah, kind of Italian. Next door to that. Okay. Mi Vox? Yeah, Chibo. Chibo. Chibo.

Next door to Chibo, like in 98, there was this little like half a daughter guy with a nine-patch. He wasn't all there. Oh my God. Something happened. Something happened to him. So like 99 or something.

I walked by one of these, like, hey, you. He's not ever made class. He goes, come here, give me your autograph. I want you to give me the guy from the Sopranos. And I'm like, uh-uh-uh. And then I tried to be mafia. I go, maybe. He's like, you know, my favorite big pussy gave me a hug.

He goes, what else do you do? I go, I'm a comedian. He goes, nah, really? He goes, you got anything to sell? So I went home. And I went back to his thing and I got these CDs. And he goes, well, I usually take these on consignment, but you're a Hollywood star.

I'll give you like five dollars a piece. He took like 50 of them at five dollars a piece. And I'm like, I'll never walk on this side of the street again, because somebody's gonna come in here and he's gonna tell them this is the guy from the Sopranos. And they're gonna go, that's not the fucking guy from the Sopranos. Hi.

So he's like, come back in six months. We'll sell them for 15 and we'll split it down the middle. But I'll give you five up front. He caught me like a check. I went to the bank and fucking they cashed on me. Ooh, done. Then he went out of business. And I never heard from him again.

That was the check that took him under. He's like, shit. He took him for that money, bro. I took him for that, I didn't have the balls to sell CDs afterwards. But Victor Lopp was one of those guys that, you know, Rogan is one of those guys and when something good happens, I have to call him.

I took Friday. I knew he was in Vegas. I knew he was getting ready for the weigh-in. And I called him, he answered. We must have talked something about stand-up for like 35 minutes. Yeah. But it's a free-for-all.

So I was listening to Ted Nugent, free-for-all. And I'm like, we're doing comedy right now. It's a free-for-all. Like, cause I don't really give a fuck. Like, I don't really give a fuck. All I want to do is have a great hour when I go on the road. Right.

That's it. I don't care about a special. I don't care about nothing. I just want to lay it on them. I just want them to leave and go, Jesus Christ. Where'd that fucking old man get all that energy from? He's lying to us. He's doing blow, you know, but I'm not.

I'm just going up there and talking, just giving it to you, biting into your fucking neck. That was all for Mitzi's death. Once Mitzi died, it took me about a month to realize what she had done for me and what I had to do for her now in her honor. What I have to do something for her. And my job is to be a comedy store marine.

I'm that sniper that has to fucking kill you. You're the guy I call. And there's eight of them up there at the comedy store that she created and built around Sebastian. You know, there was a lot of guys that she really guided. She made snipers out of them. And we're like the last guys that come in to fucking shoot you out of.

Like when we come in, that guy's dying. One of these eight guys is going to take this head off. So we're good here. That's how funny and consistent I want to be. Like my whole mind has to be turned to funny. Like I don't even have time to get sad no more. If I get sad about something, I flip it into a fucking joke. Like that's how serious I am.

Ever since she died, it did something to me. It was like my mother dying. Because at the end of the day, she replaced my mother at some point in my life. That comedy store is your family. The night I fell at the comedy store, the pain I had in my leg, you know, the thoughts about the two weeks I had to cancel.

And, you know, I can't live. Nothing compared to the overwhelming love I got that night from the employees there, how they picked me up and they fucking girls were fucking carrying me and they moved my car over and they called. The next day they sent soup. It made me realize I'm part of something. I'm nearly part of something that's big.

It's big. It's so big that it overwhelms me still after 22 years. Like I don't take the comedy store for granted. I'm 56, I'm still getting spots at the fucking store. Suck my dick. So when I go to St. Louis, Kansas City, fucking Fresno next year, Bakersfield. I'm representing the comedy store.

That's it. I don't want to sell T-shirts. I don't want to sell CDs after a show. Mitzi didn't like none of that shit. Mitzi didn't like selling food. Yeah, she didn't push for the food for a long time. She didn't push for the food forever. People can't laugh if they have food in their mouth.

She lost money so you could have a better show. A pure comedy established. Do you understand me? So that's why, when people go to me, you're leaving so much money on the table, not bringing somebody and giving them $10 an hour. Why would I want to do that? I don't want nobody to be a fucking shirt salesman, okay?

That's number one. I'm not turning anybody into a shirt salesman. I'm not disrespecting a comic, the damn sure, and making them a shirt salesman. If I have to sell these shirts, I have to go out there. And that takes energy away from me for the people who paid 25 hours or 35 hours for the second show.

You know what? Let's eliminate the shirts and let's give them the best show I could give them. If they want to sell a shirt, call my wife. My wife will sell you whatever. Enough money. My wife will give you a picture of a pussy with me autographed. You know what I'm saying?

Call my wife 800 for a picture of a pussy with an autograph from Joey Diaz. My wife will do it. She don't give a fuck. Ah! Yeah. It comes in black and white, too. It comes in black and white.

We got full color, all of it, yeah. At least I had, I'm ashamed of you. Why? You never told me that Misha Tate had nude pictures. I didn't know it was Misha Tate. I had over the podcast sent me nude pictures. You have to see a little pussy. Before she was pregnant or after.

I don't know. It was delicious. It looks like. You ever go walk past a bakery and look at a cupcake? Yeah. And go, that's mother fucker. Just do it. Take a look at it.

Push it in and show fucking Hayes' trailer. You're gonna die. You're gonna die. Somebody sent me a link and they go, Joey, did you see these? I almost fell backwards off my shirt. There's a picture of her laying backwards and her pussy is shaved and it's just laying there.

And you ever walk past like a bakery and look at the donut and go, wow. That's a pretty fucking donut. That's the same thing. A pussy. Pretty donut. A pussy looks so. Turn on the screen.

I have to find it first. We should tape nude. Google it and spell me shit with a capitol and tape and make sure you spell nude with a capitol. So don't think rude. I never saw none like that. Yeah. Top knots.

Some guy sent it to me on messenger. I don't get messenger all the time. I don't get messenger. Top self. No, no, no. Wait till you see this one picture Not this one. Not this one with the goods.

Look at this, Lee. Lee, look at this. You're gonna whack Lee's turning red already. Oh, yeah, I already walked it. Yeah. Keep scrolling. Forget this. Keep going up.

Forget all these. Look at the one on the far right. Look at that fucking cake. Look at that. Can you imagine walking by and seeing that little sand dab? Look at that shit. Tell me you're not gonna stick your tongue in there and go fucking submit me, you dirty bitch.

Look at that. No disrespect. You have a, if me should be listening, you have a fucking tremendous little pop dark picture. That is some beautiful little pussy. Look at this, guys. Look at this guy's hair on it. Yeah, it's not on the video version.

We're taking it down. The video version? No, you think YouTube lets this stuff up? Oh, I didn't know. Then take it down. Look at that. Look at that picture. That I don't like.

I don't like. That's too real. No, I see like a foot. I could smell it. I don't like it. Look at the ass. Look at the fart. That's, he's farting like that.

Look at that. Tremendous me should take. Fucking beautiful. I never saw it. I would never even disrespect me should take. I do a podcast. I do a radio show once in a while. So somebody just sent me this.

They're like, hey man, you do a radio show. Did you see these nudes? When I saw that picture. As Uncle Joy would say, tremendous. Did you see that little crumb bun? That little crumb bun? You're walking, minding your business. You're thinking about going on vacation.

Yeah. You look at your stop at a bakery window and you're like, man, that fucking apple turnover looks good. The mama's making meatloaf. Fuck bottom up. Fuck. Oh man.

A little digit on a bear claw. Hey, it's Monday morning. Monday morning baby. Right now people sit in the cubicle. They didn't get no pussy on Monday. Fuck it. Go download it on your phone. Bang went out in the bathroom.

You come out with sticky fingers. Next thing you know, the T sticks. You know what I'm saying? You don't even circle so much the T sticks on your computer. It don't even take capital T's for a year. Everybody's name is a TTTTT. You got a copy and paste to have it on the clipboard because you can't push the button.

Oh man. How is it shooting your showtime special? When does that get released, do you think? Showtime special, it should be like the end of first quarter next year. So I think like March, end of March. Okay. You're excited about it?

I'm excited, man. This is a big dream come true. I mean, since I started comedy, that was like, you know, you dream of having a special and, you know, it came a little earlier than I expected, you know, 13 years in. I thought maybe it was going to be a little later, but it's like, I'm happy it's here.

13 years. It takes your seventh to become an attorney. Right. But you know, it's like, it takes a while to find your voice. And it was just like, all right, well, I can't pass up the opportunity. I gave it my best shot. I would go down to the WeWork spot.

I got a little WeWork community space, the cheap thing I would go down there. People would leave the office after five, so I get to use all the whiteboards and I'd write up the whole set from left to right, the whole thing. And just to get ready before every weekend, I do that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,

before every weekend I would go on the road to get ready. And I just broke it down 20 minutes at a time. And I just took it very serious. There's nothing fucking getting in the way. It's so crazy. Nothing got in the way, man. It's so crazy how I lived in a building in 2000 when I lived in Ralph and May.

I lived in Ralph and May and a bunch of people in this building and they would have little parties and stuff and it never really, like I said to myself, I didn't come here to go to parties. I didn't come here to go to barbecues. I came here to basically get on fucking stage. What's that? That's me.

I would just write the whole fucking thing down. I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I would get obsessive, man. He was like fucking Matt Damon in the movie about Boston when he does the math work. Oh yeah. Yeah. With the suicide kid. Robin Williams, whatever it is, fuck it, baby, son of a bitch.

Good one, honey. You're a suicide kid. Oh my goodness. It's Monday morning, people. Monday morning, wake up, y'all. You got nine fucking shoplifting days left and I can't make a fucking off-color joke about suicide, boy, number one, you know what I'm saying?

But yeah, Showtime special coming out soon. It's the name of it is Stay at Home, Son. Catch that, bro. What is it? Stay at Home, Son. Stay at Home, Son. Yeah. You tight with your father.

Yep, tight with my mom and dad, you know. You live with them still? Yeah. You're a bad motherfucker. You saved on rent. You said, fuck this bitch. No, no, thank you. Thank you for listening to your uncle Joey.

I've been telling people forever, listen, do me a favor. There's nothing out there. I wish I could help you. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could give you better advice. If your mother and father is still alive, go over there one day to eat and tell them you want to look at the basement that you think

you're looking for a trophy. And just paint it, put a bed down there and move in. This time I'm moving and they're going to argue, you cannot move in. We told you, you're a grown man. I don't give a fuck. You're not getting me out either. Monk, man, let me talk to you.

I'll give you this. I'll help you to the laundry after this video. I won't put no holes in this motherfucker. You know, I always respect you. Move home with your parents. Save the fucking 1,800. It's no fun having a roommate. And trust me, living with a bunch of bitch

ain't no fun either. She's a broke bitch. You're gonna end up paying doubles. She's always fucking broke. She can't pay the phone bill. Mind your business. Fuck chicks and cars and live with your parents. And the cars.

Yeah. That's the move, huh? That's the move. Just fuck them in cars, pop them in bathrooms. Lovely, man. You move in with your parents, bro. You'll find a way to fuck people outside and they'll go for it. Yeah, yeah.

You get creative. When you need pussy and you live with mom, you'll fuck a bitch in under the garage. You understand me? Why not take some of that money and save it to get a hotel for one night? Because you're too cheap. You're living like a doctor.

My mom fucking turns that pillow shit up at me. If my mom was still alive, I'd have like a little bell next to me. When I get in bed at night, I just ring it. And she puts the blanket over me and sana coletorlana. She knows that sana ois, that sana manniana. Santa coletorlana, yeah? Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Like, isn't that weird? Live with your fucking parents. Do not leave. There's nothing. I want to go to California. Listen, you know what California is? 1800 for a studio apartment. Oh, I want to go to New York.

Yeah, you're gonna get, what's your budget? 1800. That's three rats in a one bedroom. No, that's three rats in Brooklyn in a studio apartment, a basement apartment, and you're gonna freeze. Stay at home with your mother. I don't care if you live in Iowa, Dubuque, Montana.

Stay there, build your own little comedy community. If you build it, they'll come. Yep, that's real. Look at all these comedy festivals everywhere. There's like, there's a festival everywhere. Build it, they'll come. Comedy is alive in gay games. Comedy scene's everywhere.

You know, everybody wants to do this and get themselves in a fucking predicament. And you know what? This career is tough enough. You're right. Comedy is tough enough. So anything you could cut out of your life that will give you-

Keep low head low. Low overhead. So you could live on 900 a month. You know, when 900's like, and you're living like, what's the guy on Gilligan's Island? The Howls, remember they were rich? Oh, the rich, yeah. Mumfie, you know.

Yeah. When you make 900, you call them bitches mumfie. That's when you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, your tax returns, like I made 9,600. Or you do show up and they'll give you food stamps. Right. But you're living at home with mom. So you're like, I don't mean no food stamps.

9,600, my car's bought and paid for. You got one of those old Toyota's, you're driving by sound. You know, you got the general, general key. 60,000 a month, you got basic coverage. $30 a month, a dollar a month. You gotta leave the country. You know what I'm saying? Like, you got basic, basic, basic coverage.

Yeah, man. You know, it's weird. Stay at home. Trust me, I don't give a fuck. Don't tell me about your style. Well, if I move to New York. I'm gonna have a stay time. Yeah, you're gonna live with three fucking stinky dudes

and one of them is not gonna have the rent every month. Right. Stay at home. Comedy does teach you that. I will say, it makes you really smart with your money. It teaches you how to keep your overhead low, low, low. Cause you know, you know, then nothing. You know what I used to do?

I started out my 24 hour fitness, but I knew that I needed a gym membership and you pay the extra 10 bucks to get it at $45 a month. I would fly in to do colleges. So there's a 24 hour fitness near every major airport in the country. That's a fact, right? So you fly in to whatever Kansas city,

you're about to go do a gig somewhere. You go in there, you take your morning deuce, workout, shower, go do the gig, you come back, you spend an extra 10 bucks on the rental of the vehicle. So it's like a SUV. You can sleep in there. You go back to the gym, workout, shower up, you return that and you just save yourself

a buck 50 on a hotel. I mean, I used to, 24 hour fitnesses were my go-to. You were broke, but you were in shape like a motherfucker. Back then, I used to live in an office and I had no shower. Yeah. So I had to join the gym. Yeah. And I'm a clean dude.

So I'm on them two shower, minimum a day. Yeah. I'm saying never mind three, but I just wouldn't go in there and shower. You just can't go in there and go to shower. No, no, no. You gotta play it off a little bit. So you gotta do something.

You gotta walk on the treadmill. Yes, I would hit the punching bag in the morning. And I would hit the punching bag in the morning and lift weights at night. Right. You know, and then take a shower. And they had Q-tips. It was one of those gyms.

Yeah, yeah. Q-tips, bow dryer. Mouthwash. The odorant. You open the odorant, there's like a dead hair on there. You take it off with toilet paper. And you daily double, baby. Man.

And then you would steal like shaving cream. Like they would leave like that. Raises. The really good fucking shaving cream edge. Oh. The one that was green and it turned a different color. I used to rob edge from that gym on a costume. That's why we did it a couple ago.

We got to put a camera back there. Something keeps stealing the edge. How much shaving cream do you need? Doug, when you're a comic, you take everything. Just in case. Doug, I ain't gonna say to do his name. He's a millionaire today. I still remember doing a gig with him for a weekend.

And every time we go to eat, he'd steal every package of sugar. That's great. Every type. The cancer sugar, the blue pack, the pink pack, and the regular sugar and the brown cane sugar. Just in case. When you're on the road, you have everything in your trunk.

Yeah. When my car got towed, my apartment, the one I lived in in Hollywood, when I would sleep in the car and shower at Ralphie Mays. Everything was in there. Everything that would be necessary in case of an emergency. Flares,

pliers, a Frisbee, a basketball, a football, I had a towel for the window, I had a pillow, you know, a set of changing clothes, blankets, and you have them tucked away perfectly. I mean, there is so much shit in your trunk that if you take it, I mean, it's perfect. You know, whatever deficiencies your car had, you always prepared for it.

I had a car that the radiator would blow. Okay. So I would have to put those capsules in the radiator and sit tight for a half hour, and then start the car that wouldn't leak anymore, it would plug the radiator. Right, it would have the little shavings in there. So you just learn all these math things,

and you learn about overhead. Yeah. And you start, I mean, I think I still have the notebook from like 98 when I was homeless. I mean, I wouldn't even file for taxes. I mean, I didn't file for taxes from 91 to 2003, and then I went down there and I told them the truth, and they gave me a number, and I paid it all.

They do, because you only go back seven years. Okay. So they don't give a fuck. If you made 300,000 in one year, but they'll find you. Oh, they'll find you. Yeah. Their books are tight. Their books are tight.

They got eyes everywhere. But you really do learn that I'm getting, I'm picking up $500 this week. Right. That's what I'm picking up for, you know. There's some clubs that are still paying features, 75 bucks. That's real.

But you knew exactly where that money was gonna go. You know, it's like, even on the road, it's like, even if I wasn't staying at one of the nice hotels that you would stay at when you were like featuring and you're doing a one nighter, you keep your hotel cards, you know, walking and strolling at like 730 in the morning, little holiday in, get your little continental breakfast,

get the fuck out of there. Yeah, I mean, with a muffin in your pocket and a yogurt. Are you staying here? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. You got the paper underneath your arm. Yeah, I'm just waiting for a... You got them all underneath your thing

and you're coming through the back. Yeah. So you watch for somebody to go out the back door and you come right in and you walk through the front. Yeah. Are you staying here? If they ask, most times they didn't ask because they can't, you know what I mean?

But you're there and in cases like, are you a guest here? Yeah, absolutely. How's your day going? You know, real friendly? Great. Sorry, have a great day. I got nailed one time.

No way. I said like 631. It only goes up to 400. That's all the guys let me eat. Uh-huh. They let me eat the older and they let me get nice and fat. And then the hotel manager came over

and he goes, what's your last name? I go, Diaz. He goes, we have Mackenzie in 631. Are you sure that you're ruining them? Let me see your key. This hat, this was at a Marriott, like those... I forget what it's called. I got married at one of those.

Those Marriott, it wasn't a Marquis. It's the... Those extended stage joints? Yeah, like one of those. There's one in Boulder. I got married at Marriott Courtyard. Oh, Courtyard. Courtyard Marriott.

Okay, yeah. All of those when they nailed me. I still remember being one behind. I still remember living behind one in Detroit. Wow. And the guy was, because after a while, like I said, the universe takes care of you. Okay, so you go to the gig, you know, like I told Lee,

some night you go to a gig, you pull up on a Thursday, you get in there and the guy says to you, where are you going to stay? I don't know, I'm going to find the hotel after this. Don't worry about it. My mom's got a basement. Come on over there, let's go eat, you know, all right. What?

What? But sometimes you, you know, two out of 52 weeks, you're going to go somewhere and nobody's going to talk to you after the show. Right. And you're like, I got $125. The room is 80. What's the play here?

Yeah. What's the play here? I got a gig tomorrow night. I could live it in the car, I think that cold out. I could go get a nice steak. Yeah. Maybe you could get something nice, you know, like, and I'm not talking about a nice steak.

I'm talking about a sizzler steak. Right, right. You can still smell the hair on it, like the guy's hair is from his leg. A norm steak, you know what I mean? Yeah, like a norm steak. Like you can go get one of those, then you go back to your car.

Like I still remember all those times. Yeah, like I eat. I remember one time we were on the road. It was again, Cal Ray and I. So we stopped in Boulder, Colorado. Right. We got no money, which by the way, we didn't even have money in Chicago

to get through the toll road. You know how you throw the change in the basket? We're digging in the cushions. I mean, we're throwing at it to see if it opens. Just penny here. Finally, it opens. We're like, we're good. We do the gig.

Now we have money, right? So we got a hotel room. And then I think it was going to be our second day. We're really tired. He's like, hey, man, I'd like to go at a hotel or some rest out. We can shower, blah, blah, we'll split it. Great, 80 bucks for the room.

He finds his spot on his phone. We go in there and the guy smoking a cigarette inside. Sketchy, sketchy spot. So we get the room for 80 bucks. We go around back. We go in there. We open the door. There's a dog in there.

There's some swim flippers on the ground. And there's a lit cigarette and an ashtray in the room. Kyle loses it. He's like, what the fuck is this? He slams the door. We go downstairs. Hey, man, you gave us a room and there's a dog in there. He's like, what the fuck?

There's no dogs allowed here. He's like, oh, you're worried about dogs? There's other shit going on here. You're worried about a dog. And he's like, well, we can give you another room. He's like, I want my money back. He's like, no refunds, man. He's like, you motherfucker, cusses him out.

So he gives us another room. We stay the night. And he's looking at these reviews. And one of the reviews was, hey, look underneath the bed. One time I found a used needle, full-on needle above us. And we're like looking. We didn't find anything, but it was bad. The doors did not lock, right?

And he was like, upset. So we shower up. We get ready. We sleep with our clothes on because this place is so sketchy. If shit happens, we're covering ourselves with the blanket feet out just in case you got to jump up. And he was so scared. He's like, the door doesn't lock.

I'm like, fuck, let's just sleep. We put a door up against the door handle of the door. I'm like, look, if somebody opens the door, this thing will tip back or make enough noise. We'll pop out of bed. So we just sleep. We're fucking in our clothes. He's in his bed.

I'm in my bed. We sleep. Sixth story in the morning, Uncle Joey. Sixth story in the morning, the chair. Boom, boom, boom, boom. We're both on our feet. Wait, what the fuck? Kyle runs to the door because it doesn't close,

but you put the little chain on there. So it opened up this much. And if they would have pushed a little bit, that thing would have came right the fuck up, right? So Kyle runs to the door and the door's open. This buddy starts yelling. I don't know what he's yelling. He's just like, bark, bark, bark.

Kind of barking through the thing. And you just hear a step. And he opens it. And we pose, pop out. It was a cleaning lady, poor little cleaning lady. He's like, let's get the fuck out of here, man. We're already dressed. We just got our bags, got in the car and kept driving.

But that was the most miserable stay ever. And bolder. Bolder Colorado, man. I wonder where the fuck you stay. It was a little motel off the, yeah, off the road somewhere. It was bad in it. And he's like, man, that was a worse $80 spent. Well, we paid 40 a piece.

It was crazy, man. But those stories are great. What you explain to people is that all those stories involve problem solving. They involve problem solving and disappointment. Lots of it. Yeah. So once you get that 25 times in two years,

once you get deeper into this, they don't seem as bad as what they really are. Right. You know, like I lost an eye. Well, fuck it. Last week, I lost an ear. You know, like, right? You were not surprised by anything, no more.

And that's what I explain to people. That journey toughens your skin. All that stuff toughens your skin. You know, you get to a place. Sorry, there's only one room. You have to stay in the room with the feature. You go in there to fucking his feet stink. He's smoking Marlboro Reds.

You go to your car. You know, you're going to fight with the kid and tell him not to smoke or whatever that all that stuff toughens you up. For later, right? When that movie guy tells you, no, you didn't get the movie, right? You know, all those little things because they're big things. First starting comedy, right? And you look at the itinerary and you got to drive 12 hours

in between gigs. You're like for a hundred dollar spot. You're like, I'll do it. But fuck fuck all these things prepare you for later. Right. Disappointment later. So disappointment isn't that intense on you. Yeah.

And that's the difference going back to the thing. It was like a lot of comments are postified. You know, like you were saying, it's like when somebody's like, hey, man, you know, your spot got canceled at or you're going up at 1 30 in the morning like, oh, it's like, really? That's what you're choosing to get upset about. I'm not going to lie to anybody. Yeah, I got upset one time at the store.

Like there was one time when things weren't going great. Yeah. And I got really frustrated and I go, fuck. I got to wait because I think it was a one o'clock spot. Like I was so used to 1245 1230 now, it's one o'clock. Fuck. And I go, you know, I think I'm just going to stop calling up here. And they said, right now take that.

Take a billboard, not a billboard, like a truck board and put it up outside and tell them you have a 115 spot at the store and you don't want to do it. See how many people signed up? And I was like, I get it. Touche. Yeah. And that was the last time I complained about time. You're there.

You're there. Yeah. You're there. It's great. Yeah. Okay. You're a comic. You're not supposed to be on those two or three.

One of those. All right. Let's get to work anyway. If you're getting home, you're not doing it right. Two or three anyway, because you and your guys got to go on need afterwards and talk. Right. But what happened?

Yeah. You bombed like this. No, I didn't. That joke works. Fuck you. No. That's part of. That's part of the gig.

The gig. Yeah. That's part of the night. What was your go-to spot after a show? Like where you would meet up with when I first got here? Was the hot spot? The hot spot after the show? Santa Monica and Fairfax, past the acting school.

In the middle is a 7-Eleven, and there used to be a little fucking photo shop place. That's where the security hut is. But in there, there's a Mexican restaurant. Where the key shop? Yes. Yes. Okay.

I know exactly where. It's a gas station right there. Right. Yeah. Next. They used to. But there's a Mexican spot there. Mexican spot.

Now it's really bad, I think. Okay. About when you're a regular in the beginning, and that 15 is fucking gold, our big thing was to go down there and sit there to read. And the Mexican lady would chase us out. And that's how I got fat. I would sit there and she had like grape juice. And she would just give me unlimited.

Like I drink 12 grape juices. I just drank 25 Coca-Cola's at the store. Yeah. You know, I just really drank 19 coax at the store with a lime in it. Last night? No, no. This is no. Oh, sure.

Sure. You know, that was part of the, that was part of it. So we would go there. I was never a Norm's guy. If Rogan would take us out to eat, we'd go to the standard and get the blue cheese burger. Oh, that sounds great. Fucking delicious.

But Rogan had to take you there. That's when Rogan was like, you want for a hamburger and you act like you weren't hungry? No. No, I'm okay. Rogan was like, you hungry? No. The subtle nod?

Yeah, I was like, nah, no. And then sometimes he found somebody to go with him and you're like, fuck, just the son of a fucking free meal. Cause some fucking guy would say, yeah, but if he really wanted you to go, he'd go, come on, just sit with me and talk to me. You're like, oh, okay, I'll go. And the waitress would come. You want a menu?

I mean, while you're dying inside, you can't wait for them to bring chips with sauce or something. Yeah, yeah. You're looking at the waitress's fingers. You're like, I'm fucking dying here. What about the first time somebody took you to dinner and you were broke? Oh, and you didn't know you were looking at those numbers. You're like, you assume that they're going to pay for dinner because

they're a big time headliner and you're sitting there going, oh, and they're like, water, water. And you're like, okay, I'll get the steak and you're sitting there going, I hope he doesn't give me the fucking check and make these split this. Those are the worst. I remember when I got the longest yard before they gave it to me, they called me and they said, we want to meet you at the Four Seasons

Hotel in Beverly Hills. Guys, I had like eight dollars in my pocket. I get their valets, 20. It's fucking June. And it's 98 degrees. It's one of those days. Like I have two horrible audition or meeting memories. That was one of them.

When I got there and they're like, 20 to park. I'm like, 20. And I went in my pocket and I had eight and I had a bunch of quarters and I go, I'll be right back. Let me go to the ATM. What a fucking ATM. There was no ATM then. I just went to some fucking place and found two hour parking.

Yeah. And had a walk to the meeting. And by the time I got there, I mean, I was dressed. I was trying to sweat. I had a sit in the hallway and they're like, what are you here for? You know, it's a fucking Four Seasons. I'm walking in there with a big daddy sweat gear on that. For free.

Every factor in town has big daddy gear. Yeah. Steve Simone knew the company guy. So every fat fuck had big daddy. That's how I, when they sent me a box of clothes. I'm like, I don't need to buy clothes for a year. Yeah. I wore a big daddy shirt underwear swept there and they were thick.

Yeah. All sweat, your ass sweat. It was that black velour. Oh yeah. And I'll never forget walking in there and they're like, eat. And I got the lobster ravioli. I'll never forget this at the Four Seasons. I'm looking for Sebastian and Sebastian ain't there just in case I can borrow 20 from Sebastian.

You know what I'm saying? Like 40. I don't know what the bunch was. Yeah. And it was Adam, Chris and Peter Siegel. And they're like, eat, mange. And I'm like, okay. And the whole time I'm like, I hope they don't go four ways.

I hope they don't go four ways on this track because I got eight dollars. And when I saw Adam picking up, the heartburn went away. Like just getting heartburn and shit. They're like, have some cheesecake. I'm like, that's another $22. I'm going to be washing dishes. I'm like Sebastian, I'm looking for Sebastian because he was a waiter then. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm looking for Sebastian. I said, Sebastian, listen, if it goes on, can we put this on the tab? I can pay you tonight or something. Like that's how petrified I was. There was no Sebastian. And another time, right after 9-11, they changed the whole Sony thing. Okay. It used to be that you have an audition in front of a gate 11.

They would let you drive after 9-11. They made you go that way park and then walk back. Yeah. And it was Spider-Man too. It was April. It was 95 degrees. And there I am with a sweatshirt with a black big daddy velour warm-up suit on. And I'm 390.

390 pounds. And I could feel the sweat dripping down my back and my ass. I could feel the sweat of my back mixing with the leftover shit in my ass. When your ass gets spicy, you have to have that spicy ass. You're like, why is my ass on fire? And you wipe your ass and there's still a little shit on the paper. No residue on it? Yeah.

Like, oh my God. Fucking horrendous. Trey Ho, I want to thank you for doing what you're doing. I want to congratulate you on being a regular. I want to congratulate you on your work. Thank you, John. Appreciate it, man. I thank you for...

When I got the call that you were doing videos for these guys, I was very happy because people don't understand. It's this simple. Keep doing what you're doing. And then you'll see a conveyor belt. They'll see, like, a toy store or whatever. It's like Detroit. All of a sudden, one day, you actually fall under the conveyor belt. I don't know how many times that conveyor belt has to go around before you get off.

That's your decision. It's your decision when you get on the conveyor belt. And it's your decision. Once you're on the conveyor belt, that does not mean you're in bad shape. That means you're Dean Delray. You're Hazel's Trey Ho. You're Kate Quigley. You're Steve Simone.

You're... You know, I still remember Renez easy when he got 20 fucking screen tests and couldn't book a TV show. He was on the conveyor belt. You're on the conveyor belt. You worked. You did the work to get into the comedy store. You did the work to get into the improv. You did the work to get into the laugh factor.

You did the work to get a manager to hire you. You did all that work. Now you're on the conveyor belt. That conveyor belt could go for eight years or it could go for 12 years. The rest is up to you. For me, that conveyor belt took like 17 years because I was a fucking addict. I was fat. I didn't give a fuck, you know.

So it took longer than others. For some people, it could be three years. For some people, they hit three years. They got an HBO special. They get cocky and then they get back on the conveyor belt. And now they're on that conveyor belt for 10 years. They got to pay that due on the conveyor belt. So just because you got a little success and you fell off the conveyor belt, didn't mean.

You know what I'm saying? I fell off the conveyor belt six years ago. And I had to go back on after the RIP Netflix. And I had to go back on the conveyor belt. And then I had to decide when I got off the conveyor belt again. What did I have to do to get off the conveyor belt? This is what needs to be done. Boom.

Now I'm off the fucking conveyor belt. You did that. You got on the conveyor belt. Congratulations. It took you how many years? 13th. Okay. Now you're on the conveyor belt.

Now you decide when you get off. And it's hard work. And it takes one person to see you. Right? You're at the store. You're up there 130. Your girlfriend dumped you. Your mother's shoulder.

She slipped. She broke. You're on stage. You get off. Chappelle's going on. He tells you not to leave. You sit through his three-hour fucking set. And he tells you you're doing the North American tour with him.

You're doing 23 nights. Right. Your life could change in that quick of a thing. Yeah. So now you got the 23 nights with Chappelle. So now you have to think about it. It's not just 23 nights with Chappelle. You're going up in front of the cream or the fucking crop audiences that are paying

a hundred and something dollars to see Chappelle. Your goal is to retain 5% of that audience every night. Now you have a new dilemma. You're always set with dilemmas. You're always set with dilemmas. It's not really an accomplishment. It's an accomplishment wrapped around a move. You know, Rogan's going to take you out now for a year.

It's 10,000 people a week that are going to see you in an arena. If you can retain 5% of that, it's 500 people. Next time you do an improv, now you call an improv and say, let me get one night. Out of those 500 people, 200 of them, their pussies are hurting. They can't make it. But 300 will show up. You just started your fucking career with 300 people. Wow.

And there it is. That's all it is. And this all applies to everything. This is not just comedy. When we talk about this, we say comedy. This applies to every kind of life, whether you're a attorney, a carpenter, you're a union carpenter. You fall into the conveyor belt.

You get to work every day. You stay an hour late. You work the overtime. You work Saturdays. When do you get made a foreman? The same fucking thing. Right. The same fucking thing.

And what happens is, for comedy, like my religion is comedy. For some people, their religion is art, like Jennifer Jones. For some people, their religion is accounting, like Bob. Well, yes. Well, Lingus, you know, everybody has their own religion. They believe in what's a roof over your head and you believe in it and you get better at it every day that you do it. You know, you're on the conveyor belt.

Congratulations, brother. Thank you. You got a little fucking show. What is the taco show? Come on. Start airing. So Tacos Contoso comes out on Complex. The trailer is going to drop end of February.

I mean, end of January and it should be out January and it's going to be just, you know, comedy going around L.A. and looking at some of the best taco spots out here and really dive it into the history. It's done in the right way and there's some great people behind it. Justin Bolas has been putting his all into this project and also I'm very grateful for people like you who took time out of your busy schedule to come out. How much did we laugh? Bro.

You want some talk for me? Oh, I couldn't breathe. You and Shab fucking died. Oh, man. You died. I was telling you earlier, that's when I knew I had to quit smoking cigarettes because I was laughing so hard. I mean, you were going on one of these amazing rants and I was laughing so hard I couldn't

catch my breath. There was a hot two minutes where I'm like, I'm going to die right now. You know, that story I told is the truth. Right now I got four flies and a weed thing and I put holes in it and I feed them weed and they take everyone so I want to take a shit and it doesn't hit the water. Yeah. I take like a piece of stick and I put shit in their little cans so they survive on habitat. But they're reading weed most of the time.

I cut one wing off to give them like a little, I'm like a half a Hitler. Like I cut one wing off. You know what I'm saying? I got my own little private fly-wash. Lee, can I tell you something, Lee? Please. I saw Joey move like Mr. Miyagi. There was a fly on the table.

He's looking at it. He puts his hand up, just waits like two, three seconds. And he thinks he has big hands. You'd think like they would fly away. He does. He gets like Mr. Miyagi. I killed him. I hate flies all my life, especially when I'm eating.

Got him. You guys have to see the episode once it comes out. But I mean, I was blown away how quick you were. Oh, I hate flies. That's my left hand. You gotta see my right hand. The right. The flies.

And sometimes I scoop them up out of the air. A couple weeks ago, a possum died in my wall. Dog, I had 300 flies in my house that would gather around the window. And I'd just sit there for about an hour and let them gather like they were there. Son bathing, like fucking talking, like they're mingling. And my wife has a fly swatter. She's an amateur. She's over there at the point that Adam, I said, what's the master of work?

I went and got a book that bent. Oh, okay. I started taking either of them out of the row. A book that bent. Not the first editions. The great Freddie Soto had a joke of his father with step on roaches and he would leave him there as a warning to tell the other flies that we don't fuck around in this house. That's right, yeah.

At least sweep them up. No, no, no, no, no, no. Leave them there. That way the flies know I'm not fucking around. And they got to the point that I go, how many more days are we going to have flies? And she's like two more because they took the possum out and then the gnats turned into flies. I don't fucking know the whole scientific fucking whatever.

Four or five days, bro. I must have killed 50 flies a day. Just going after them. I would walk in close to the door and make believe I was going into the kitchen. And I come back with that book fly that I'm like fucking Greenheart. What's his name? Braveheart. Braveheart Greenheart.

I don't fucking know. I would be smacking them. I never go down for the time. And then I'd step on them. You dirty bastards. And I'd sweep them outside. Once they were half alive, I'd take a half a wing off and burn them. You ever light them on fire?

No, never. I don't give a fuck. I hope you fly them of America. Fly and raise the nets. I was going to say Peter's going to be upset with us. Peter. That sucked my dick too. Anyway, you have any website they can go and see?

Yes. Tell me. Yeah. Heysustrayho.com. My Instagram. At Heysustrayho. Number one. Twitter.

At Heysustrayho. Where are you from New Years? I'm going to be at the Ontario improv doing both shows. So please come out. No shit. Yeah. And I'm at I'm doing the weekend at Sacramento punchline. This coming weekend.

I'm doing Thursday one show Friday to Saturday to and Sunday. I'm back home. So please, please go check that out. I will love nothing more to see you guys there. Heysustrayho, thank you again for being a gentleman. Thank you guys. Being a hard worker. Thank you for being.

Thank you for what you do, man. I'm a true Mexican. You know, Mexicans don't break their back. You can throw a Mexican off a roof. You ever see a Mexican with a broken back? Never. Never. You see a Mexican with a Jugo chain and neck brace?

Never. They ain't got time for one. You never see a fucking Mexican with a Jewish gold chain. That's what they call it. Oh, that's what they call it. A brace. Yeah. I don't know who they are.

I think they are his juniors. You've never seen a fucking Mexican walking down the street with a neck brace saying, I sue. I sue. No, they don't sue nobody. They ain't got time to go to court. That's eight hours off the clock. That means they lose 50 to get 50,000 in two years.

Forget it. I'll get the 50 out of my own. It's so funny. It's just as Mexican people were so stubborn, my dad, they gave him a neck brace because he had some problems with his vertebrae just from working so many years. He put it on. He took it off and he's like, man, my neck hurts. I'm like, you're supposed to wear the braces.

That's so uncomfortable. Hilarious. Put it on. I'll bring you comfort. No, it itches. Okay. We'll deal with it. It's hysterical.

You love your parents. I love that a bunch. I love it, man. All day. You love your motherfucking parents. AsusTrail.com. AsusTrail.com. Yes, sir.

Okay. My dates. I got a few tickets left at the center performing arts in San Francisco on the 28. Colusus sold out. The 21st is sold out. Then we start on the, I think the 15th and 16th. I'm in Fresno and Bakersfield and the 25th of January. I'm at the Tabernacle Theater.

They added a second show. That's all I got for you. But before we go anywhere, the church is sponsored by Netflix, new podcasts behind the Irishman. I've told you all about the Irishman a couple of weeks ago on Netflix. Some of you is liked it, whatever. Listen, I think it was a tremendous movie. Now you can hear about how it was made with the official podcast. Listen to me.

Pesci was tremendous. De Niro was tremendous. Sebastian was great. I mean, I loved everybody in the movie. The other guy, the one that was married to Lorraine Brocco that plays Angelo Bruno. He was great. On this podcast, you're going to hear from Charlie Brant, the author of I Heard You Paint Houses.

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Take advantage of all these deals. You're looking to make a little guiness. That's my bookie.ag. Pressing code CHURCH and start winning today. Gambler's anonymous. 1-800-GAMBLER. Anyway, listen, if you don't want to make money with my bookie.ag, if you want to listen to the Irishman, that's all great and dandy.

But right now you're sitting there thinking about what to get for people. Don't give them a fucking gift card. I know Russians right now on the computer stealing off all the money off your gift card. That's what they do all day long. All day long they steal money off gift cards. Everybody has an asshole. Everybody deserves the gift of Tushy. Wiping your butt with dry toilet paper.

Come on. What are we fucking caveman? It removes the shit, but it leaves the Staminka juice. You ever come on your girlfriend's foot and you take the come off, but the foot is stained? Like she's like, like it's bleached. Like if it's other people with the purple bed box on their faces and shit, it's the same fucking day. Water cleans better than dry paper.

I like the idea that this is written down on the paper somehow. No, it's not. This is me talking to you motherfuckers. Listen, Tushy is a fucking portable bidet. It connects right to your toilet. It takes you 10 minutes. You don't even need, I think you need like a wrench or something like that. No plug or no nut.

They started $79. All right. You get a 90 day guarantee, 60 day guarantee. It don't matter. I've had one for four years. If my big stinky ass hasn't fucking fucked up that Tushy, your little skinny bony ass will be fucking tremendous. You're like, Joey, why a bidet and why Tushy?

Why? Because it sprays water directly into your fucking asshole. Think about nice warm water going into your asshole. How would you feel? You're going through a rough time. Your grandmother died. They left you the patio furniture. Forget all that.

Think about getting hot water. Spray it up your asshole. Who's better than you? You know why you need that? Because all day long you're sitting there like a mook with bacteria grown in your asshole. And that creates nasty things like hemorrhoids. In fact, they popped mine yesterday. Tuesday I went to live some weights and fucking, I had a little.

So you know what? With the wife, my ass, there was a little blood. Thank God I had Tushy. So no more hemorrhoids. No more yeast infections. No more UTI. But most importantly, no more HG assholes. Listen, there's nothing.

Listen, I'd rather do 10 years in jail and have an HG asshole and no arms. You imagine having no arms and having an HG asshole. You could always get somebody to scratch your back. You'll die before somebody scratches your asshole. Not even your mother. Your mother looking insane. You fucking retarded. Anyway, listen, go to hellotushy.com right now.

Pressing church and get 10% off your order. Listen, there's nothing like a Tushy per day. I know you got people that you need a present for. This is the best present. You know what? They started $79. So give it a shot. Take a chance, Columbus.

Go to hellotushy.com and press in church and get 10% off your motherfucking order. All right. You never use the Tushy. Now is the best time. Start the year with a clean asshole. You've never done that before. You felt the animal. I'll see you guys Wednesday.

You got nine shoplifting days before fucking Christmas. Thank you, Jesus trail for coming on. Thank you, Christ killer. But most importantly, thank all you motherfuckers. And don't forget to look at me. You have to look at Misha Tate's pussy, especially that up close one. It looks like a little bagel with no locks. It looks like an everything bagel.

It's got everything on there. A little air, a little stumble, a little everything. Kick this fucking meal, Lee. To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody is twice as smart as I. Somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company. Wait and see.

I mean, I want to be around. To see how he does it. When he breaks your heart to bits. Let's see if the puzzle fits. So far. That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet. As I sit there applauding from a front row seat. When somebody breaks your heart like you.

Like you. Goodbye.