Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #746 - Annie Lederman

Episode Date: December 23, 2019

Annie Lederman, is a comedian, writer and actor seen on "This Is Not Happening," and as Cheryl in "GTA V," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. Annie hosts the "Meanspiration" podcast, which can be heard everywhere you listen to podcasts.   This podcast is brought to you by: Upstart.com - The revolutionary new lending platform that knows you're more than just a credit score. Go to www.upstart.com/church to see how low your rate is. Checking your rate doesn't affect your credit score.   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000. Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/church for 10% off of your order of portable devices that spray your butt with water.  

greetings from podcastville it's Monday the 23rd of December you bad mother fuckers the church of what's happening now is brought to you by my bookie listen December's a great time for sports fans you got the bowl games you got NBA basketball you got hockey you got college hoops my bookie has a Christmas gift for you and they're giving away 12 days of risk-free gifts free bets free spins futures features and more my bookie's got a little something for everybody so you don't want to miss this promotion do me a favor head over to my bookie dot a g right now today cut this shit it's Monday grandma's gonna

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with my grandmother the important bidet because her ass smells like a goat that's why next time you go over for Christmas dinner look at your grandmother's ass and just play with DD for a minute and say to yourself what does it with her muffler smell like she's 82 listen you're like Joey what's a bidet it sprinkles water into your muffler clean water the same water you brush your teeth with not toilet water we'll get to all that stuff later I'm just trying to educate you right now they started $79 and they call tushies okay and tushies don't play games why because it makes already off the dot

when you buy a tushy you're telling me you give a fuck about the environment you greedy bastard half a row just to wipe your ass two trees are dying in my neighborhood because you want to dry your pussy yeah dry it bitch old school I like the Quakers did you know I'm saying tell them anyway go to hello tushy.com right now you gotta sign that post slash church and get 10% off your first door to get up a day started let's get this party started you got how you gonna get your little muffler licked if it's not gonna be clean if you got UTIs and all that stuff in there let's face it some people waiting for Santa Claus some people

waiting for somebody just bump into you lick your nutsack and stuck that tongue up your muffler in my right hand yeah I'm waiting for someone to lick my ballsack this is what I'm talking about here so go to hello tushy.com slash church it's Monday the 23rd forget Jackie Gleason forget Santa Claus it's all about you take this meal Lee this poor kid oh go mercy there we go it's Monday morning to savage

and we got one black day's baby we all got them here we go oh what everybody's jumping up and down it's Christmas we don't give a fuck you the church what's happening now you understand me all we care about is today my girls here Annie Letterman looking spectacular top comedian savage gangster from Philly part-time Quaker you know the whole thing dropping on me beautiful I'm a violent Quaker so dropping on me what's happening all right just it's it is am I allowed to tell the world that it's Sunday it's whatever you want we're recording on a Sunday I came

from church that's right I came from Quaker meeting I came from church to go to church that's two churches in one dude I double church forget about it that means I can do it's I can do whatever the fuck I want now you can just walk past St. Peter I'm gonna go rob a fucking bank you can just walk past St. Peter tell him go talk to the guy behind me he's got the ticket go punch an old lady like the church toys what's going on beautiful uh nothing I'm feeling good I uh you're one of those girls that doesn't wear makeup and looks good like constantly you have like you have makeup but just a torture I'm wearing so much makeup it's so funny makeup on you just so stunning just stunning yeah you try to be camera ready and I try to make them

you know ready I'm ready I'm ready I've arrived I manage it man I come in I smell good I look good I'm funny I try to have fun no no your hard work time I gotta take my little church name tag off I saw that I saw that I thought that was like a thing from uh you went to visit a prisoner a very good boyfriend that was in jail you know I'm saying I don't know I don't know what your deal is how are you I'm good I'm good what's going on these days these days um just comedy comedy it's so much fun uh I had a good a good weekend I did some special k and I listened to some self-help books and got got a special k it's like a rave drug that now they use for PTSD and depression it's a disassociative so it uh it gives you perspective you can like look at

things from an outside point of view just like a reef yeah well sort of it's a tranquilizer how are you how are you how long are you for uh it lasts like an hour I think that's it yeah but the results it's they use a lot for people that um it's like antidepressants right away you know you have to wait for an antidepressant to kick in and stuff it's like it's it's just it uh it's supposed to uh like reinstate the neuropathways in your brain it's just pharmaceutical or I mean I don't do it I mean I do a raver style okay but they have they're like trying to get a I think they just passed an inhaler so you're just snorting it it's like no you know they're finding out all these things now about mushrooms and people are micro dosing helps with depression and whatnot

you know man when I was at my darkest point and I couldn't figure out life and I I might sound like a loser for saying this the reason why I'm here is because of acid yeah when I lost my mother at 16 I went on a year and a half acid trip looking for an answer it was I was looking for an answer took my mind and took it somewhere I didn't want to be and it gave you answers and every day gave me another day to go right tomorrow I'll take another hit and we'll pick up where we left off you know it was such a deep thread going on in my life and I know that somewhere along the line it's beneficial it wasn't beneficial how I was doing it I'm not a scientist I can't sit here and tell you you know we bumped into somebody who explained ketamine to us that's ketamine then who said that ketamine

that you know it helps with depression all this stuff you know I gotta be strictly honest here here's another drug I gotta tell you that was horrible it's a horrible drug but when I was out and I was focused that's what I did that's that's oh coke I did a line of coke you can't get more focused in that for me coke just like it's it's it's not it's not my drug no it's it's nobody's drug well I'm like I'm nobody's I'm sober other than ayahuasca DMT uh acid mushrooms it's a lot of things special k and you won't not cope you won't do a line I won't do coke you won't do a vicarin you won't do an oxy I want depends on if I if it's actually you won't drink no I don't drink you don't drink no drinking you're doing this stuff I'm trying to like things that exactly that teach

me I want to open you up a little bit you know when you it's I and I I'd say this with confidence that I don't want people to sue me or jump off a building or criticize me sometimes me and Lee are fucking around here and we'll do it we'll drop a hit a set of something and it takes me somewhere different because Lee will say like I walked on a night and I think of Lee and I'll giggle because for Lee it's something different than what it is for me we were talking about mindset the last podcast how you look at things yeah you're gonna go follow Louis CK and Chris Rock you're driving thinking you're gonna die you know I'm like I gotta go follow Lewis yeah and then Chris Rock is going up and then I'm going up yeah let him in it's going on the drive down there

you're gonna lose you're thinking in your mind you're gonna lose but you might program your mindset yeah you know that you might just go down there rock yeah it's how you go in there if you go in there with your shoulder slumped well I'm gonna die already you're gonna die you're gonna die so it's the mindset yeah when I do any type of those things like I can look in the face tell you I've done over a hundred answer trips I never had a bad trip yeah well when people say bad trips like I always say explain to me what it is because these medicines give you what you need it's like what are you talking about a bad trip be brave bitch the other bad trip is you saw the truth yeah you didn't want to see it and you didn't want to say well tell me this don't you see this like

hallucinogens have taught me that life is like as equally hideous as it is gorgeous so it's like it's the same thing so it's like it does hurt but it also you have to feel that pain to feel the like beautiful fizzle of like the light too it's the same thing when my mother died I had such a void and the only thing that filled it there was two things that filled it my friends in the daytime and then once I went home at night those four walls got smaller I am an advocate for people with a touch of mental health to get out of the house I have a touch of mental health issues I have a lot of mental health issues for me to survive I know I gotta get out of the house yeah because the walls are closing up yeah and you'll think about the bad stuff my dad always tells me

whenever I'm depressed he's like go out and he's like go talk to strangers or whatever which is honestly how I got molested as a kid but it's good advice as a girl not as a kid but but it really is true it's like I am a social I really like to talk to people I really I mean I'm just going around chatting with people all day when you know depression starts by sleeping later you know when you look at all the symptoms at first it opens up with sleep sluggishness you're tired you know and then the walls start creeping in on you and then you have to do something about it you know go talk to somebody get medication but I would start with vitamin D yeah that's the cure that's the that's that's the you know uh natural cure we're talking about deck right we're talking

vitamin D son do you you bat both ways or just one I don't mean to be no everyone thinks I'm a lesbian I just I don't know Tim Dylan told me that I should say that I'm by so that I can say all the words yeah you get away with murder so I'm bye yeah okay bye I just thought that you were like I have a lot of respect for you I never thought nothing of you sexually I just thought that you were just with girls oh really yeah that's so funny I don't I try it I don't like the taste I don't care one way or another I love the taste today you know I'm saying that's a good thank you like calories good taste no I I always say that uh because I was on the boys baseball team and stuff I had brothers so I was always like competing as a boy with everyone so um I did all these things

and it's like as I was saying like instead of a dead pool they had a dike pool like everyone was like just betting on how gay I was gonna be and then I wasn't gay are you too beautiful to be gay look at you I got fingered once by a girl who looked like a boy but I wasn't into it really yeah how old were you 24 why did she think she just looked like she looked like a boy I hung out with her all the time this is when I lived in Santa Fe which we were going to talk about I lived in Santa Fe I was bartending at um this place called the cowgirl did you go there I don't remember you definitely did it was it's the spot so I was bartending there and it's funny because that you know they have all these different celebrities that have houses there or they're

in town filming stuff because the tax write out for movies in New Mexico and so I used to wait or I used to um bartend for Sam Shepard do you remember Sam Shepard yes so he would come in and one day and like we always married um uh what's her name so beautiful um yeah piece of ass how the just oh god so gorgeous uh she's an American horror story um I'm jealous of Sam Shepard just absolutely beautiful I'm jealous of Sam Shepard well he's dead now you can get her no I was jealous of him when he was you can get her now his wife is just what the hell is her name stunning Marilyn Reese no no I don't think they were married uh Jessica Lang yes so beautiful talk about aging well I mean that bitch hot right now most man always

rings twice listen titties to her knees and we still want to play with them don't I'm just saying she's the oldest ship it's gorgeous you've seen her lately I didn't see her she looks amazing and I've seen her in um American horror stories she's gorgeous but so Sam would come in and uh one day I got off early and we were having a margarita together this is back when I drank and uh I had this best friend who looked like a boy like she was a lesbian just such a les and I don't know what we're talking about we're talking about like I was like oh I want to do comedy I want to move to New York I want to you know and he was like comedy's so scary and I was like yeah I just want to live like an extraordinary life he goes you are living an extraordinary life you're gay right I was like

no I'm not gay so he thought I was a lesbian because this girl at the time so I was gonna make I was gonna make shirts that said Sam Shepard think I'm gay thinks I'm gay and he was gonna he was like I want 10% but we had this whole thing and then years later I moved to I moved to uh New York and I was working at this restaurant in alphabet city and Sam Shepard walked by and I'm like oh my god Sam I did it I moved to New York I I'm doing stand-up and he goes uh did this used to be a jazz club and I was like oh fuck god damn it no memory of who I was just like alright bitch but um it was really funny but anyway so that girl I had like hung out with her all the time we worked at the same restaurant together I was drinking a lot and she just planted those seeds

you know she was like do you think you're gay and I was like I don't she's like do you think maybe the reason that you don't think you're gay is because you're gay and I was like huh she like Jedi mind tricked me a little bit and I was like I don't know maybe it's homophobia that I never considered being a lesbian but I've been boy crazy since I was little like really little always boy crazy how does how does she finger you well she oh my god first of all very similar how I was so happy last night and you were you say happy fingered you and then and then you told like three different stories I'm like I was like I want to oh my god Lee put your boner away for one second can't help it I'm sorry all right so um so then we were like you know we would just drink

late and I was dating a bartender at a bar a couple things down and he was like kind of like he was like a bro and I don't know she just he showed me we were over there one day and he was he showed us he brought us into the office and he showed both of us two girls one cup and she was like see boys suck and I was like so then that night we like we would make out we get drunk and make out and then we went back to her place and she fingered and I swear I feel like she fingered homophobia into me like it just wasn't I just was like this isn't right I just like I don't want this short finger I was like this fucking how many knuckles are in there Jesus it sucked it was just like I just wasn't into it I was like let's just smoke a new port

how long did you live in Santa Fe seven years and you loved it uh but I mean I would like how to develop to quite a drinking problem there okay I quit drinking right when I was like there's also there is to do that and ski up in there there was nothing to do yeah there's nothing it's like a retirement six the six weeks I was there uh to answer your questions I only went out that whatever the hot club was Adam had a party one night at uh-huh I was there I was go-go dancing at that party I was a go-go dancer at the one club swig it doesn't exist anymore it was owned by two gay guys who um and it was kind of a gay club but because there was it was the only nightclub in Santa Fe in Santa Fe such a small town everyone just went so they had three

podiums and it was originally this gay guy me like a little twink me and then this uh like cross dress or trans transvestite brandy who was Calvin during the day and brandy at night and then they fired the boy and then it was a stripper me and this uh and people come up to me like do you have duct tape too because brandy would have duct duct taped or dick and um so they come up to me and I was like I mean I'm not even really a good dancer I was I would be hammered crying people I didn't like when people touched me or tipped I would get mad when they were like I'm like you're objectifying me like this is your job but it was 50 bucks an hour plus tips and um I would just wear like a slutty little outfit and just dance up there get so hammered just falling off I would fall down

all the time I was crying fake eyelashes stuck to my cheek I had those chicken cutlets like the little like boob things and I would sweat and they would slide up and people like your thing showing like I was a mess why were you crying you don't like that you would I just was like yeah I don't know I just be drunk a mess yeah and I was a I was a nanny by day and so I would go my knees where I'll soar bending down from dancing so I would like have to bend down to hang out with these kids that have glitter all over my face it was ridiculous have like two hours of sleep I was an innkeeper I had to quit that job or I guess I got fired but I showed up wasted for my morning shift and I was too drunk and there's no comedy in Santa there's no comedy I mean the night life

is zero I was there for six weeks and I went to the bar around the corner from the Santa Fe like a redneck type bar the cowgirl because Kate Fletcher's girlfriend the cowgirl yeah Heather I bartended with her yeah and I used to go to one Alberto Crane had the jujitsu place uh-huh Alberto Crane is now here okay he's got one of the biggest schools in Burbank and Glendale all right I met him in Santa Fe in Mexico his first jujitsu school it's unbelievable well Tate got me sober Tate I used to wait on him at the cowgirl and he was annoying as shit because they'd come in also not like ordering drinks and shit and fucking no fucking sales you know but I mean they would tip on stuff but they were always like special needs and annoying but Tate um I might have talked about

this on Rogan but Tate um he put together on the karaoke night he knew I wanted to do stand-up so he put together like a situation where I could go up during karaoke night and do stand-up so I did my first show he put that on for me then when I moved to New York and I realized I had to quit drinking I called him and he helped me get sober and stuff and Tate's a good fuck yeah and then I came out here I didn't even know he was like connected to comedy in any way yeah he's connected yeah he's like one of my best friends for all it's funny he was an extra and the longest year yeah I've watched his ascend and it's it you see you know you see something like Sebastian I met Sebastian with Sebastian was a deaf fucking mute yeah and I was 36 and Sebastian was a kid and he was a waiter

and you try on MTV and you see Sebastian and if you really like him Sebastian like if you guys were friends at the store you get this twinkle in your heart you're like wow that's that's amazing yeah and it lets it convinces you that this is a life yeah that I'm like I try to tell these young guys this is a life this is a great life it's just a journey it's the number one life I still remember nobody known who Sebastian was but he had one fan the club owner in Dallas who kept telling everybody who came through listen the next big thing is Sebastian yeah I'm telling me saying I've had him in here for the last two new years because he's like dice like yeah and in Texas they really like that and when you see Sebastian you know now you see the people who are in the conveyor

belt who are on their way up they don't know it they think they're struggling I didn't get that role I went in four times with producers you're on the but you're getting 1145 spots at the store yeah and you gotta manage on an agent you're on the conveyor belt this is a heaven we're living on I can't believe I like it's not a different when I wake up I'm like am I dreaming I can't believe that it's like and I'm not like financially I'm not killing it right now but it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't fucking matter people have no idea like I always say to myself this every like three or four days when I'm writing in the morning I stop and I go what was I doing 10 years today 10 years ago today and I forced my mind to go where I was 10 years ago today and I go wow

then I go let's go one deeper where was I 20 years ago yeah October of 99 I had New Year's at El Paso for 2000 for 2k the world was gonna end oh yeah I had Houston going up to it New Year's a year and I had a triple tour planned my big thing and I was a regular yeah I was already a regular yeah still getting six spots a week fucking best and I was planning a tour I didn't think I was up to par in LA like I was getting spotless at the store but when I would go to the improv and get sandwiched in between like Patton Oswald I would always like what's that word flutter like a fish I would yeah yeah I just looked at myself I probably did a hit of acid yeah gave me something I took up myself objectively and I said you know what it's time to go on a trailer right yeah and I left

December 20th of 99 I came back in like May like I did a six month that's so fun like the first three weeks were booked yeah everything else and then you just went for it just who's got an opening yeah call the funny bones listen I'm on the road whatever mc yeah you really just have to make enough that's all it is like just in the beginning 300 400 condo 400 condo you're eating subways sandwiches and McDonald's you exercise a little bit you watch tv and you're right you buy a bag of dope that's your big fucking party for the week you buy a $70 bag of dope that lasted yeah you smoke everything you smoke it down to your finger yeah you look at your finger when you're an open mic of that brown yeah it burns because everything you do is to the extreme

when you get a sandwich you got those resin hits when you know those people that said let's go try that I ain't trying nothing that Chinese lunch special gives you a soup a salad a bowl of rice a feather for 695 that's where we're going yeah but let's try the Hindu I don't want to try nothing you don't even take a chance you can't don't even take a chance like you got to go you got $20 to last you for the day yeah that meatball sandwich is 899 it's huge it gives you a little bit of heartburn but half of it for lunch and yeah it's too much you know that's how you look at things you start looking at things like that and you just when I got here nobody was talking to me like no Montreal I had no comedy agent I was with an agency called the coloring book

oh hilarious and you had to make your resume different colors you making that up no so I would have to go to go to Charlie Chan printing I would have to give her 100 resumes every two weeks because in those days you got sent out I would have to give her like 100 resumes what's a resume Joey Diaz sag after 5 foot 10 260 to 290 uh range 40 to 50 uh basketball Bronx County yeah comedy store improv some fake play house yeah some fake acting coach and swimming okay as they were their interest you always have to put swimming number one cast and directors want to know if you could swim I just love to swim all right there you go you learn some from what's so funny when it says

interest on the bottom you have to put swimming number one knitting they want to swimming knitting next no not swimming martial arts uh-huh a language oh like you have to speak in the language you have to do your accents make it up oh then that comes that right comes to bite you in the yeah but what happens when you get the job and then you're like I don't speak this no no no no no you're gonna write on the bottom whatever's gonna get you into the job but it's gonna be very uh blatantly like you're gonna speak you're gonna say Yiddish and then I'm gonna call you I'm gonna fall in love with you you're gonna say a couple Yiddish words in there but you're gonna much harder and then when you get to the set they're gonna say we thought you spec Yiddish and you're gonna go

yeah when I was three I lived in Israel yeah not now I forgot who do you speak Yiddish to all day in north Hollywood you know what I'm saying give me some lines I read the lines bitch you said here you could swim yeah is this fucking improv when I was a kid I was in the master swimming program I was 20 years ago my shoulder broke ah but now what are they gonna do so they'll rewrite the part for you okay you see I'm saying so you always gotta lie about something I told you this update my resume comedy is a girlfriend comedy is a girlfriend you got a data you know kiss her neck bring her flesh the same thing with with the resume comedy is the girlfriend that can finger me that's the only one yeah comedy is your girlfriend so now you gotta bullshit your way into the rooms

so you gotta write that in the bottom I do hate that feeling though when you're like oh they're about to call me out on this fucking shit I just lied about I tell them the truth all the time like I'll put heavy machine operator because I knew how to work a high yeah in college whatever I knew how to work a high level there's no way you can turn it on now though but listen to me but you can you can stretch a lot you can stretch okay let me give you an example I had a I had a dear friend who got called in for sons of anarchy they called me back and he goes at the audition they asked me if I could ride a motorcycle what'd you tell him he said no I hope you tell him yes oh no he goes I did oh I go but he goes it was over 20 years ago I go good enough

he got there the day of the set he was all worried he kept calling me Joey you made me lie I'm in trouble I go no I didn't make you lie I made you be blunt I made you be what's that bold no there's a word where you it's obscure the answer is obscure you never give somebody like February 12th you always go from the 12th to the 18th you give him a vague vague I go you gave him a vague answer he didn't sleep the night before he called me that morning oh that's so funny I feel that he fucking went he told him the truth there's like no worries they're gonna pull you anyway yeah you're not gonna be on the fucking motorcycle nobody's we can't afford that they can't afford that they have guys that yeah like you when you want sons of Anakin they go by yeah you see that wig

not one of them yeah Tate Fletcher is actually every person yeah they're all wigs so you don't have to really okay it'd be nice if you could pop a wheelie if you could pop a wheelie there's some they would be mad though they'd be upset because they don't want you to get hurt right there's some auditions where they go listen we want to ask you like there was an audition I went on where I swear to god you had to do the commercial and alligator oh that's fun in the water with an alligator in the water with an alligator oh that's fun so you the audition I'd be like can I have the fucking book English before you had to sign a way when you went in to let you know that you were gonna work with the other with the thing yeah a guy like me signs that I'm not taking that job I'm not that retarded

to take a scaled job with an alligator well I'm gonna put yes I'm gonna play with you I'm gonna let the casting director fall in love yeah I went into like three calls and they went in for somebody else and I was happy I never saw a commercial again I doubt they shot it I doubt they shot it because at the end of the day they were gonna put you in the water up to your neck with a with a and a like a cage that people couldn't see and the alligator was going to be talking next to you oh I love that I've I'm an adrenaline junkie though oh you know no some people I love something like I mean I listen at the end of the day I think I would do it because it's going to be a trained animal it's fun they said hey they said hey whatever you but no it's definitely gonna bite you no it's

not you know they haven't set up they don't want you to get bitten like think about you know Tom Cruz always does his own stunts that must annoy them so much we're like Tom can we just have someone that's like trained to fucking do this do this we don't have to deal with you it's like so much extra you have to be you know it's like you have extra insurance and all that stuff nobody you they're not going to want you to get hurt yeah but who are those uh tiger trainers in like Vegas oh the guy that got bit yeah I was on tigers yeah I mean it could happen but that's what's fun about it that's fun if that's the truth doesn't make you feel alive no listen did you have you been skydiving no it's boring I would just go straight to the earth I can't get them to run with

his shorts in front of me I can't get them to run the Popeye's chicken naked just run in front of front back I have for them a hundred hours when people waiting there for the spicy chicken but here's a hundred hours just run naked right there's a number you know there's a number a hundred more than a hundred bucks a hundred miles start now that's his first job who gave you ten thousand your first job you got her in your when I was naked no you got her in yourself she at least got 15 hour I got 15 hour an hour for a 12 second job yeah but uh they didn't have camera phones back then nobody's running you're gonna run so fast does he get to wear a bag or some over his head if he wants to yeah you could disguise your face you didn't ask enough questions

listen you should have imagined how you should have negotiated you imagine sitting on a line waiting for a chicken sandwich and also the chubby guy comes running by naked and you just let me just say there's gonna be kids in that line and he's gonna get in decent exposure you know he won't because by the time they catch on listen nobody wants to chase a fat chubby guy nobody wants to even touch that sounds like me in college I chased a lot of fat chubby guys have you seen have you seen an arm tackle that's what it is with a chubby guy when you go to tackle me your arms are gonna slip right off me to grease you can't bear hug me bitch you're not gonna bear hug me you're done nobody wants to chase a homeless car a homeless dirty oh he's gonna talk to you about

like that no no no no I meant to say no I know nobody's gonna chase a naked man it's like we're talking last night what's what are the chances of being a pedophile with a voice box right that would be a good pedophile that if I was like if I had a voice box I'd definitely become a pedophile because you're tremendous a little kid come here oh I thought you were saying because you had like that little hole they could put their dicks in well that's that's a different I never even thought that it's smaller you know with the curtain yeah come on in the 70s they had the hole with a little curtain it's like a peep show surprise I'm like a little a priest put his little kids dick come to poppy's throat that's disgusting it is disgusting Merry Christmas everybody what made

you get into I have to all this I mean I know you got some deep shit later on which is really nobody's business for right now but how long did you want to do comedy for how long was it burning you up I was uh I always made my dad laugh so it was always like a thing where I was always just trying to make my dad laugh my whole life so I kind of started to realize that I had like I just talk shit like nobody I wasn't raised with like boundaries or rules really so I just always talk shit I just always said whatever I think all the time and I started to realize like I could kind of affect the room by doing that and um so then in probably around college I was like oh I think I could like do stand-up I think I could do that as a thing I want to do that so

then I was living in New Mexico obviously there was no stand-up I was just drinking a bunch and I just was like I want to do it and then when the longest yard came in I met like Nick Swartzen and Adam Sandler and people like that and once I could see it you know the arrogance of someone who starts comedy when you just see it like oh I could do that like I just being able to see them in real life and see like their actual size that they're not like as big as I see them on screens they're regular yeah and I was like oh okay well I thought he was very polite and very nice and he was really really sweet and I was just so he was one of the first celebrities I'd met so it was I was so surprised at how little he was and not that he's a little person but like

just compared to what I was used to seeing him I was used to seeing him on big screens it was dare I when I was growing up in Boston like I would get starstruck for people on the news like there was no internet back then so like they were like all everyone with them everyone on tv was like exciting and I wonder if it's different now well it's rare that I get starstruck now because I think what we do is the fucking coolest thing I think like what we do is the number one thing so you know I have a lot of respect for people and I you know and there's celebrities that I get excited to see but I don't get like star I get like starstruck over like I saw I met Jeff probes the host of survivor and I love survivor I got really fucking starstruck

over him it was embarrassing I mean I got I got weird like I was like I have to talk to you about this season like I got really weird um and like I just got normal with Polly like people that were have been in my life since I was a kid usually I'll get starstruck over so if I see like Polly sure like someone I don't get starstruck I get more like I can't believe that I still remember MTV had a show called comedy kamikaze it was on the afternoons at 430 and I still remember saying nick de palo police and michael's Polly sure at his prime you know on MTV when Polly sure pretty much ran and yeah and now I got Polly's number yeah I know it's wild right you know what I am like it's I used to date this girl I brought Dave Chappelle on stage it's like what's my life

what what what the fuck is that I can have you know what I realized too it's about like you have to adjust your like your goals because you can I just realized I get I've gotten literally everything I want I had a very like troubled childhood and then I'm now in this place where it's like I've gotten I can't believe it you were saying about where was I 10 years before where was I 20 years before it's like holy shit it really I would be like yeah I would have gotten more traumatized as a kid if I did I'd have a fucking Netflix special I've been like I need more bad things I mean it's like I can't believe it's all worth it it's every everything that has ever happened in my life is absolutely worth it because at this time so now it's like adjusting and being like ask for more

you know and you got to do the work and stuff but it's like like believe that you can have the things that you want when you like meet these people it's like I fucking idolized your ass it's weird when you like for me I don't know I've never really been so I can't remember seeing Richard Gere at the time I wanted to beat him up from 1979 to 82 I wanted to jack Richard Gere because every woman you talk to like Richard Gere I took a girl to the movies one time Richard Gere showed his ass I you know I just dropped 30 dollars for nothing yeah good night and Richard Gere showed his ass in American Jigolo he did like an upside down headstand and every woman in the movie did it went and that was it you were done well I saw Richard Gere and I wasn't nobody

really do I get James Coburn when I first moved here me and Joe Rogan chased James Coburn in the car on Sunset and he had an Acura NSX but then I got to work with him twice and the stars struck one away yeah it goes away I get sentimental I get sentimental like I got a job I got a call from Dave from Nick Swanson he says I need for you to do one line in my movie but for some reason I got stuck doing that one line with Don Johnson you have no idea with Don Johnson meant to me yeah he was Miami Vice people didn't do anything from on Friday nights from nine and ten yeah to watch Don Johnson he was the shit and to talk to him now that he's grounded and at that time he had just had a kid and he was old and I felt like saying aren't you a selfish

bastard yeah having a kid and two years later I think I had a wife up at 50 and I was like thank god I didn't call Don Johnson out so well now his daughter's in uh 50 shades of gray you believe that that's so embarrassing that's that's just tremendous like that's you know there's so many people that you can't watch your daughter's movie she's getting whipped with a dick the entire movie you can be proud of her he still has to be proud of course he's proud yeah she's a cute kid she's beautiful she's a cute kid she's a great kid she's a cute kid no there's so many people that I'm not I don't get starstruck it doesn't really I mean I get it motivates me to see him like you get motivated like if you especially if they go on stage and kill yeah you know uh I saw what's the

name of the improv and I didn't even know it was her and I had 20 years ago I would have been saw the starstruck the girl that used to be married to Richie Sambora and and Tommy Lee that poor girl that's they put it through hell who Pamela Anderson no oh Heather Locklear oh yeah she was the she was americans you know what I'm saying yeah she didn't deserve to get her peace she married two guys she got hepatitis she got her she got all the ages she got all fucking every hooked on every pill they were hooked on yeah she was a lot of DUIs and stuff DUIs you know it was like a poison she let these momos in her life you know it's a disease this is a weird place here so how long did it take how long did you live in New York bouncing around um I moved to New York I I was

living in New Mexico and I was just drinking really bad and I crashed my scooter really bad and woke up with my face split open and just like really really bad so I knew I needed a change so I decided to move because I was afraid of drinking and driving I was afraid to move to LA because I knew I'd have to drive so I moved to New York to do stand up and then um I start I was there for like a month and a half and then I finally went to an open mic and then after my first open mic I quit drinking and started just going to mics every day and I started doing like five mics a day and just like never stopped just went as hard as possible immediately and uh and then um I got Montreal like two years in really fast and bombed really bad I'll say everyone except one person

bombed in my group but nobody really talks about the bombing I'll always admit my bombs but uh ate it it was so painful but then through that I ended up getting I remember it's I had there was this lawyer there that went um he goes don't worry you have a good look and I was like what are you talking about a good look he's like you have a good look you'll be fine I'm like what do you mean I work all I work hard on my jokes like I'm a comic I just didn't understand like the Hollywood side of things at all and then uh I ended up doing uh I met some bookers there and I started doing like Chelsea lately and stuff so then I was coming out to LA all the time and um like living in my car but doing tv you know and then uh moved out here in 2013 got past at the store right away

only auditioned once thank you um and then uh Tommy let me ask you something before we move any further your performance at Montreal were you prepared unprepared unexperienced for what you were going to walk into not ready for what you were going to walk into what did you tag it to I would say it's a little bit of all the things so I the booker had said to me after my I auditioned my first or it was three years in but I auditioned like my first or second year I auditioned and they were like we really like you you're very new these are the things we want you to work on so then that year I worked on everything they told me and then when they came back I was like way better I mean I just didn't I just everyone was mad at me I didn't stay for anyone sets I just

did five sets a night I worked during the day I just this was always going to be my job so it was just never uh I was there were no distractions it was only comedy so then when I came back I did really well on my um auditions and the booker said do you want to go this year or do you want another year and I said I want it this year I'm gonna kill I'm gonna be awesome but I I'm I'm okay with that I mean it all worked out I think I've gotten everything that I that I need and I want at the right time even though I didn't realize it at the time you know like that it these were experiences it was really it was a it was a very early it's very very good to go to Montreal of course and it's and if and I and I applaud you because after the bombing most

people would have tapped out because they would have thought that life is over now I gotta go back and face these people so here's what I know I knew because I you know I I have a you know a strong sense of injustice you know like I'll battle the battles I don't care being the loud one that gets in trouble or whatever if I see something that needs to be addressed when we went to Montreal I did the unwrapped so there was the wrapped uh the wrapped new faces and then there was the unwrapped new faces which was like a newer thing that we're doing with people that didn't have agents or managers now I had managers and agents that wanted to sign me but the booker was like don't sign with them I want to send you unwrapped so at this point I was like motherfucker if you

don't give me this motherfucking thing you got in the way of my work like you got in the way of me making money and stuff like that so then when I did get it I went you know I was confident in this seven minutes that I had or whatever six minutes that I had and we got there the show was ran two hours late it was all industry in the back talking there was no it was a very it was a near impossible place to succeed in and I know there's you can't blame the audience for everything but it was it was a rough situation and then one kid killed Joe Mackie destroyed he just destroyed and so then all of us were like oh I guess we can't blame the fucking room but it was just a lot of pressure there was um you know like all these networks trying I just didn't know I just had no

clue about that I all I knew was jokes I just knew you do jokes over and over and over again until you get them right and you just keep going that's all I know so the Hollywood side of it was very confusing and it was like which is no good for you yeah it's no there's no reason for it I don't like it I don't like it that's too much pressure to already pressure situation I want you open my career for you to have a day job yeah go out at night learn what it is to sleep on four hours have to go back to that day job you know you do your two or three mics but then you and your friends get together for coffee yeah talk shit yeah in the morning yeah even though you gotta go to work at seven sorry Charlie we had an open mic at Lucky Jackson New York that we would go to

that was like would run to like three we'd be sleeping in the back just I mean I it's just it it always there were these comics that would give me shit you know like and there were female comics that started around the same time that would give me shit about not staying for their sets and stuff and I'm like I don't know you I don't owe you anything I'm not here for like a I have my camaraderie with the people that work as hard as me like my crew is the people that bust their asses as hard as me I don't have time for why would I be staying for you you don't stay for me I don't notice who's in the room when I'm on this is about my work and then those same girls spread rumors that I hooked up with the Booker of Montreal to get in where I'm like no I worked harder than

you know it's like it's just all of those girls don't they don't exist in my world anymore they don't do it it's like there's a you're just you just have it or you don't that drive this two worlds in the beginning there's the people who just talk and they get so involved in the world of comedy that they missed the whole point again funny and finally the world of comedy talks about them doing comedy talks them out of it they get so caught up and this and that and they talk themselves out of comedy and there's people like you and I didn't give a fuck no I didn't give a fuck I look at I look at you Whitney, Nicky, Allie, you all have fucko, Jesse May Paluso, you all have one trait that at one point you said fuck this shit yeah fuck this shit we're doing

it our way and I have and I have a huge respect to you Whitney said something to me once that because you have two choices as a woman in LA you could comb your hair or go suck dick or put your hair up in the hat and go be one of the boys and banging out with them and earn their respect how do you earn their respect not by sucking that dick by being there with them at 2.20 in the morning knocking it out of the park and them going thank you Allie yeah you call them and saying hey listen Joey it's disrespectful I saw your headlining club 48 and Tacoma do you mind if I drive you for a five-minute set yeah that's a woman do sometimes that's what guys have to do that yeah that's part of it you know listen funny doesn't have fucking gender it's hard work dude it's just work it's like

that's what's so and it's just I was so careful to not fuck people in the beginning and then it's so hilarious because they ended up spreading rumors that I fuck people I'm like Jesus Christ there's just it's just a weird thing a stigma that they put on chicks but I don't give a fuck it's I was talking to Rogan about it he's like must have been good if they said that about you must have been good I was like I was fucking good and it's just like you know I still had stuff to learn but it's you know if you're sitting around and you're gossiping and you're thinking about why if you look at someone who got something and you go wow the reason they got that is they must have had some privilege I didn't have like someone must have tried to fuck them or there must have been

something what you're missing is that uh right now you're supposed to be writing jokes like head down write jokes work on your shit why the fuck are you paying attention to what other people have if someone that has something that you want and you have that tang of jealousy think about what are they doing that I'm not doing what is it that like I could be doing that this person is doing Ali Wong I used to do open mics with her in New York this bitch would show up with a fucking camera she had a goddamn gopro or something she would set up her camera she would come in she would somehow get on the list early so she could go like she just you just worked the fucking system there's no like and she wasn't rude or anything it's she was working hard and she would come in

with new jokes crushing hard it's like there's a reason that some of us are at the store and some of us aren't it's like write your jokes what are you fucking talking about you're blaming another thing outside yourself it's you bitch no I have a huge sense of respect for you ladies because I know what it's like I've been there I know what it's like I know it's been like to been taken I know what you need my mother when I see you guys I see my mom in a bookie office I see six guys in an office yelling screaming yeah and my mom right there on the phone yeah I'm going pick up that fucking phone that's money in the register yeah that guy's a sucker and going and looking at her going most women can handle this job well it's just like in the room with this many men it takes a

certain woman that's why I bring her yeah that's why we do a podcast I want to include I wish I lived in Jersey but take it to a social club yeah it'd be comfortable walking into a room with men and reading men reading men from an early age who's gonna mess with me who's not messing with me coming to me going daddy I don't like that guy yeah I don't know I just don't like how he looks at me they see that shit right they see stuff we don't see when yeah so it's uh I have a huge couple years ago it was the paper somebody said women weren't funny like and the guy lost his job let him in and stuff and I know him you know I don't know him well and so this day it's always bothered me that comment because who was the first person you watched on tv that made you laugh Lucio Ball

we grew up on Lucio Ball so for you to make that statement and Carol Burnett I'm just like listen I am a girl and I've been funny my whole fucking life so I'm with me all day and I'm laughing the entire time so I don't you know it's like I can't I don't know what to say to these people but it's it's it's not like a real comment even I don't even really I don't know it bothered me it bothered me because it was a dumb comment but without thought like you have your opinion everybody has their opinion but thought to that opinion I grew up on Lucio Ball so maybe I don't like a lot of like I hear gripes all the fucking time I'm not involved in the comedy store and the comedy world got some comedy and more all right because I have my own family yeah so many things when I hear things

I go really like I don't know I don't know I hear a little thing you know I leave the comedy store at 10 15 before the darkness comes out oh my god I'm like I'm there till like three in the morning I'm like closing it down oh I have listen I used to be there when I used to have Brody was my barometer because Brody would leave I'd be like oh fuck did Brody leave before me I gotta get the fuck out of here did Brody leave before me so now I just have to be like oh fuck like once they like lock the one door and you got to go through the kitchen I'm like I've stayed too long I'm like fucking with Don Barris in the back oh yeah we it's just so fun I mean it's just a complete different life it is just god damn I have fun it's a complete different life down there I love it I mean I know

all the waitress I like I know everyone yeah the waitress is in this is my home I had I was talking to there's this girl that I that um that I had had a falling out with well she had a falling out with me I'm a grown woman I don't have falling out to people but um I was kind of trying to like talk to her like hey do you want to like bury the hatchet or whatever and she was like no and I was like I just want to let you know like this is my house and it's never going to be weird for me so I will always treat you with like love and respect because this is my home and that's what I do to people in my home but like just know that there will never be nothing weird will ever be coming from me because this is the most important this is my space that's how I feel about the

comedy story you know I went to New York to shoot the soprano movie and that was the first time I was away from here for three days and it was weird it was a tough three weeks for me because it got me thinking I got to see a lot of my friends I grew up with I'm tight with my friends I grew up with my family so I got to see lots of them in groups or in individual situations and I started thinking about my life here and I'm like man my life here is kind of weird I don't have that and on November 12th this year I really realized I did have that it took me fucking slipping in the comedy store yeah I realized that the next two days the overwhelming support that I had yeah it was over fucking well me well half of it was them trying not to get

not to sue them yeah no no no no Whitney you saw did you hear what I said to Whitney yeah it's like because Whitney's so codependent I go Whitney I'm so sorry you're going through so Joey fell and he hurt his knee in the kitchen hamstring his hamstring in the kitchen and he's so he's like up on a chair a roller chair with his leg up and Whitney's like by him and I can just see I just know her you know so I go Whitney I'm so sorry you're going through this you know she's just like so empathetic she's uh it was a lot of people it just wasn't Whitney it was the cooks and the bus boys and waitresses and I got calls the next day I would never sue the comedy store but I went home and in my pain leg with the ice on it I was like that's my home

yeah it's family that's my home you know you know when you walk up to the belly room there's that picture of Brody you just touch you just touch kiss that bitch every time you know it's it's home it's something that I'm in the mafia yeah I'm in a different mafia and it's so weird how people go when you're in the mafia if your kid is in the hospital at his death bed and the boss calls they need you you got to leave your kid that's never gonna happen that's a dumb statement but I feel the same way with the comedy store like that's my family like there's comedians then there's the regulars at the comedy store in my mind we breathe from one another you know I like the comedy store now because there's really no bad blood amongst the comedy store I can look here in

the eye and tell you that do people get on your last nerve that's going to happen at the dentist that's going to happen at Ralph's there's people that I don't like there but there's no beefs no and I can't even you know what I'm saying that wrong I love the staff there I love the management there and I love all the comedians it's amazing there's a couple little fucking producers that think this yeah they're annoying but beside that man I got a home yeah you know I got a home I got I love performing there it's amazing I don't give a fuck when I perform oh it's no it's the best I don't give a fuck when I perform and they'll always have our bat like just yeah I don't give a fuck when I perform I really don't yeah when I go up there it's the kill yeah I don't give a

fuck what hurts you what doesn't hurt you what your mother thinks what religion you are yeah I go there you know ever since Mitzi died it drove me crazy yeah like when Mitzi sure died I'm not the type to cry yeah I didn't have to go to rest I didn't have to go to Hollywood and cry and show everybody it just made me stew when somebody dies I just do yeah I just do I take something out of their death so Mitzi it was bringing the basics back I just ate a bag of dicks on Netflix with Christine that Christine the door fell down during her set and then I went up there and I was fucking rattled and on the plane and a couple days later Mitzi died or whatever and it all came together what my plan was yeah how much I had drifted like I'm a Mitzi sure soldier yeah you know

that uh the black drill sergeant an officer and a gentleman you're a drill sergeant all your life Mitzi sure was a drill sergeant and if you listen to her you would get somewhere yeah and that was the main thing was do your thing yeah we already got that fucking money well they also don't here's a thing nobody wants like nobody has time for your like low self-esteem or your like the whole audience just wants you to be yourself to be yourself they just want they're there to watch you and if they're not get the fuck out I had some girl I made a joke uh the people that were leaving I got one on late night and a bunch of people were leaving and I said if you leave during my set you raped me just heads up you'll never work again and this woman goes I was raped don't say I go

bitch everyone on the stage was raped or molested shut the fuck up I was like you should have a better job if you were raped like why are you in the audience like I just was like I was like boom boom boom like shut the who the fuck wasn't are you you shouldn't come out if that really affects you like you should be in your house being a victim are you fine now bitch how are you now are you being raped now oh we live with it just like grow up bitch it's like who the fuck wasn't right we live up you gotta be kidding me we live in the town to fuck the victims oh how long did it take you before you so you how long did you stay in New York till 2013 you come on 2013 come out here come a regular at the store come become a regular at the store and then you know I'm going

on real late and then um and I was in a relationship that I was not happy in and I was comedian he was a rollerblader um he was imagining you on rollerblades actually naked rollerblading in front of the it's worse than just the chicken line um no it was like a younger kid I was like paying his right it was a weird thing uh a good lesson a three-year lesson but um I was I didn't feel like self expressed in that and I didn't feel like I could really like talk about what I was going through because I hated my boyfriend so much she was such a nice guy but I just didn't I was just unhappy so I was it was like three years of feeling like I didn't and I had a tv show on e at that time so I was doing that for like four episodes they gave me a talk show and so I was like kind of

distracted by that but the stand-up just wasn't and I felt so depressed like I had this underlying depression because I didn't feel self expressed on stage and then broke up with him moved back to New York for a year and then I was like I gotta go back to LA I started working on Sasha Baron Cohen show on uh who is America so I moved back for that and then I was like I'm never leaving here I'm at the comedy store why do I fucking leave the comedy store and then I just started really not giving a fuck and um you know what's in your body language it's in everything you do now you book like girl code and all that I used to do girl code yeah how was that all these dirty bitches came from it was so easy well you know Jesse and I didn't listen Jesse Jesse and I didn't they

didn't wouldn't put us on the show together like they thought we're the same which I don't think Jesse and I are like I mean we're like white trash in a fun way but I don't think we're actually that much alike I think we have different we get along really well but I just don't think we're the same type but they so she got cast originally they were coming to see me all the time and then they cast her I guess in the role of the blonde chick and then um she ended up there was something with e or something and so then they ended up having me on so Jesse and I never got to be on together so so the guy who asked her could you get by car twice she's sitting on a gold mine oh my god was she driving or no walking so was it by another Asian woman I don't know I think the

first one was it was it was Asian on Asian attack she got hit twice they're trying to hurt you at this point they're aiming for you bitch if you get hit twice when you're walking around the other night a car missed my door guys by a centimeter I you could hear the door it it just I would have been dead because it takes it off the engine it just hits you you just when you're stepping out of your car you know that's on you I got in a car accident where a girl opened her car into my and she's liable it's all you you have to make sure that there's no car you would have been at fault what happened years ago somebody I was headed to an airport and somebody we pulled over and somebody hit it with a bike I don't even it happened so long ago me and my wife my wife

used to drive me to the airport yeah yeah which has to be 20 years ago in the beginning when yeah we used to leave like 20 minutes before the flight step on it bitch this is fun is that how you are you always late for things no I'm late for flights I like to run I like to run when chasing a lover here before 9-11 I thought I was Johnny cute and I would do the it's only gonna take us a half hour to the airport and don't let me yeah you know and then 9-11 came not all changed and then you mature as a comic because when you're a feature act or you're a non important headliner you know like you just headlining and you're getting the basic scale they don't give a fuck if you show or not they don't give a fuck they can call some other

janitor yeah down the corner they got a local head yeah they don't give a fuck they're gonna give him the same the club owner will just do this yeah it's not like Tracy Morgan yeah it's not like Joe Rogan coming to town people excited who's in town this week I don't know some guy named John Smith that's when you're that person I didn't give a fuck either like I didn't give a fuck but then you start it's your mindset you start thinking about that yeah you start thinking about these people like our babysitters yeah they want to see you they're excited you want to hear a joke about you mugging a hooker and like a wig on fire and you go you know what let me get to the airport a little early yeah what's the farm because it's two different feelings it's being stressed out the whole time

till you get on the plane and you go right or you walk and you know it's like that old expression you could run down there and fuck one of them or walk down there and fuck them all you know I'm sorry so Lee and I were having this conversation last night we live in Los Angeles he was saying that Andrew Dice Clay made tapes two days ago from Los LAX that he had to wait for an hour to get picked up did you see there was a fire last night at LAX at the bus station where the uber people get picked up oh my god did he start it did he go down there and still you knew I was with you all night conksucker last time I spoke to you was at 12 30 don't even say that because the cops are gonna be interrogating me and we did a bunch of edibles and we did some bad pills so I passed on the couch

so don't even say that I'm living on fire conksucker trust me when I saw it live on fire I thought it was me too I was sitting there thinking that I walked down there last night and just liked that obituation that's why trust me I got no problems with my health you know the June becomes out when I get aggravated so I this morning that's what I woke up to mercy we're in the look at that she don't give a win play wasn't the weren't the buses on fire at LAX this morning no she don't care she don't care I told you win places show she's over there she's up levels nine whatever that was somebody lit two buses on fire at the uber lot last night that's so funny so many people who wait for uber were really pissed off last night it does suck when you come back

and you're like waiting for a fucking and you're like and you order the uber and then it's like eight minutes and it's like eight minutes yeah and then you're like wait a second why isn't I moving wait where are you going where the fuck are you going and then it's hours later and you're just like so tired you just want to get home we have no idea what like people have no idea what it's like to go down the LAX and how you feel I was telling me that we're to the point now where I'm not gonna uber I'm not doing that forget it forget it I'm not taking a limo down I'm not Joey bananas I'm not the mafia I'm not toady pro so let's just do this let's just take the first flight out and if it's at 6 a.m that means I gotta be there at 5 I love getting up at 3 a.m

I would just pull an all nighter probably no I can't trust myself to fall asleep and wake up if I'm only gonna sleep an hour no you're not gonna sleep an hour you're gonna cancel your spot at the fucking store no way and you're gonna go to bed at 9 and get five hours sleep so you how the fuck do you go to bed at 9 what are you taking I'll give you those all right all right I'm going to bed early tonight you call me and we'll get you something and you go to bed at 9 and you get up and let's say the alarm is set set for 2 3 you'll get up at 2 30 to give you an extra half hour to drink your coffee and peace write your little log go on the internet tell somebody on twitter that their mother's ass smells like bayone and that they need a bidet from tushy

a bidet from tushy you get your car and your drive down and you go to the airport at 4 30 you park right next to the elevator yeah and you walk in you go through clear because they're not i'm a felon they don't give me that i think i gotta take my shoes off they want to smell my fun guy toes i give it to him and you go in there and you pray that somebody's open you know like when i went for my left boston legal seafood was open bitch have a little morning lobster legal seafood card oh shit we gotta get some seafood bitch yeah i got them all i got legal see i'm gonna i'm gonna g fucking i got sag roll with you and then we're going to go this is i got my little credit cards but i got a thousand of these i got i got about 21 or $22,000 on jersey

mics oh my god you're so funny because i like the turkey and provolone sandwich look jersey mics is good no it's not good come on turkey and provolone is good that's it everything else is box okay now the cheesesteak ain't bad listen cheesesteak you gotta you have to adjust you have to adjust your expectations when you're not in new jersey you miss the east coast uh i do miss the east coast um i'm excited to go back for the holidays but i am very happy here but i do like it's fun to meet east coast people here i got in a fight with this chick in the audience in the main room it was not the same chick you know i i get a pmsc i get a little you heckle me when i'm pms and you're gonna get a bitch um but so i was like fighting with this girl and it was fun i mean

it was fun you know when you like you know when you go too far but it feels good when you lose it and you're like oh god that felt great it was like that you know and afterwards i was like i probably shouldn't have lost my shit so much even though i it ended well and then everyone came up to me afterwards and they're like that was awesome i rose for some reason it was like all east coast people in the audience so everyone fucking loved it they were like so psyched you know now like they're like chill don't why don't yell and in a feeling like we'll fucking beat the shit out of this bitch it's funny that your accent doesn't tell me fully but everything else about your body language your attitude the way you move your hands everything else is very filling i mean it

comes back when i go home like i'll come back from from christmas probably sounding pretty filly aver aver easy eggs over there what are your plans for the future what are your plans for 2020 what do you want to do 2020 i'm trying to go into 2020 with no beef snow like because i honestly i don't really have any ill will towards people but i'm just trying to like drop any sort of like expectations maybe of people like trying to forgive everyone and myself for all my stuff just going really like clean i want to go and clean to 2020 did you mean work wise work wise yeah rich and famous how are you gonna get i don't know we'll see it's gonna happen plan um i'm working on like i'm writing some stuff it's just focusing on stand up i'm writing some other stuff i want to

write a book i got i got plans yeah no i really i don't know i just i'm just happy i just think my set of all you are very happy whenever i see you you make me happy at the store you one of those people that it's always a pleasure to see the other thing was that night i fell i'm laying there even watch like a football player when a play gets broken up and he lands and he holds his knee and then he holds his head okay because the pain is so much that you you have to control yourself like i'm surprised i didn't pass out at the store that like it like right now my leg is healed except for it's it feels like somebody shot me in the ass with a needle and they did it like without training it's like a little numb pain that numb pain yeah but that night i was in pain

and i was breathing out of my nose i was focusing really hard not to not to pass out and they turned me around and you know whitney was talking to me and they're trying to get me pain pills and figure out what it is and ask me if i want to go to the hospital and in the middle of all this animal letterman looks me in the fucking eye and goes hey you want to blow job no i don't care how much pain you are i don't care if you're dying if you're taking your last breath and you ask that man if he wants to blow job he doesn't give a fuck he has to think twice he could be bleeding from your side like didn't hurt any more you could be bleeding from your sides and you'll actually think about it can i bleed and get a blow job at the same time and i look at him like you got to knock

it off because i don't want nobody sucking my dick i'm an old man like i don't it's a shame like i feel bad for a young girl that would suck my dick it's a real injustice to them when they go home and they go like that his sperm was a little chunkier it was so slow i'm 56 it's a different type of fucking dick i go any knock it off and she goes i wasn't gonna suck your dick i wasn't gonna get one of these guys to suck your dick let me tell you something i went from being in pain and that's what people understand when a guy like me like i went to the same doctor for 22 years because i'm scared of doctors but he figured out how to soften me up by telling me funny things the real genius of comedy is changing how somebody feels like i love it i don't love it but i love when

somebody's parent dies and i have to call them or i have to go to their house yeah i know what it feels like to lose a parent but it's such a morbid fucking time in your life it's so morbid that your inner respect for a parent your mom or your dad doesn't even want you like you're like how can i even think of putting on Seinfeld at a moment like yeah you know like you're inner but you're praying for joy to say something i always will on the type of motherfucker that'll come up to you and hug you and say i'm really sorry about your dad i know how much you love them yeah so it's been a real blow to my family my mother can't get over it i go well fuck it at least we're getting that boat down the yacht yeah look at me and you'll go you're such a dirty motherfucker oh my god don't make me laugh

when somebody looks at you says please don't make me laugh please don't my friend yeah you did your job my best friend got a cesarean section she was like you can come over meet the baby but she's like you can't make me laugh and i was like it was the best day of my fucking life i'm such a cunt she was like please stop please stop please stop but i just could i was like don't you dare tell me not to make you laugh i love all that shit oh it was the most fun i love i love like i still remember one particular night my friend had a broken arm my friend was having the month from fucking hell we were 18 he went to you know you know how you throw your car at somebody like he threw the car at somebody he stepped like leaves crossing the streets on the hill yeah when ester coup's going

by and i run our ass over yeah and you stop before you get there he went to stop to hit my friend friend got up my friend threw a punch at him my buddy put his arm up the block and we were so skinny it broke his arm oh my god he was having the month of hell oh so he's got a broken arm he's got a girl from an high school that's hot to try yeah she's available to the highest better she everybody says she sucked a good dick whatever you brought her a ring you outdid him yeah so he bought her a tv oh my god and she was at home she broke up but he was at home watching the tv with the guy oh yeah so he kept calling her up at home calling her a cunt fucking whore and all this shit she actually came up to the bar

threw a fucking beat on him in front of all of us it was so funny we were all kids she jumped out of the car and just started smacking him one time she's a jersey girl so hilarious won't you ever call me a whore your mother's a whore yeah he's getting beat up we pull her off or put her in the car we take him inside we sit down we're sitting there he's just staring at his beard and he goes i should go down and take that fucking tv and next you know my buddy goes just look at the bright side right now her and lou's are probably watching that tv you know popping his head up and just shaking it you know and then laughing yeah you know like that's when you go you know what man that's what it's for it's our gift and that night was another i went home i

told my wife we were both fucking laughing and i said i hit you up that night and i said thank you for making me laugh it's such a difficult it was a dick because i was thinking about Miami yeah i had two weeks so i could not cancel yeah i couldn't cancel like i would have to go up there with stitches there's no way did you have a wheelchair no i i did it i did it i went home i did it the right way i asked it i did it from a to z i ended up an urgent care because it's well too big i did the two days of pain pills i got rid of it i got a steroid but then the healing process has been acupuncture cryotherapy novathor massage nate ellenberger gave us a gun to to bust out your muscles so at night i don't even ask my wife i just bust out my leg muscle yeah and then i stretch

it makes me stretch that hamstring yeah because i stretch i bust it all the way down to my ankle and it's like a fucking machine gun that breaks up all you yeah i think i know what you're talking about and i hang my legs upside down i mean i've worked on this yeah i gave it blood i've been doing leg extensions and still go to but now i've been kickboxing yeah i've kicked twice in 10 days and nothing so far can you roll or no no i'm not gonna roll at all at all that's too yeah it's yeah it's gonna go yeah that's it hip escapes and passing the guard i can't do it that's definitely hang you know when somebody slices through on the pass that how long have you been involved with you jitsu i've been doing it on and off for like a year

what do you think so far i love it it's so fun and you love to know g it's yeah i do no g just no g yeah i mean i never tried g so i don't know i can't there's nothing to compare to it's a lot of fun too i mean i would i would try all of it's it's so fun i mean i can't believe i'm like what the fuck was i doing exercising by myself and like that's so boring and you know black dante oh i know dante is he your boy yeah that's my boy i saw him the other night he was at the store he was at the store yeah that's what i heard i sent a picture to scottie epstein did you see the video that uh that i made with the um i'll send it to you we met scottie and i made a video because he's got these giant we call them dante like they're these big giant black dummies for i guess

striking or whatever so he put them out back and we did a video where i was pretending to blow them and he came back to catch me and he was like dante and he was he was get back in class and i'm blowing them and and i go don't tell my dad don't tell my dad and then they like pan over to the one black student who's just like shaking his head and that's that's fine yeah no it wasn't dante dante hasn't been there in a sec dante if you're listening what the fuck no i'm gonna i called him he said he heard his foot he stepped in glass or something i called him the other night and checked up on him i know you gotta get roommates and whatnot so uh yeah dante's family for 20 years dante's been family since 1997 yeah i still remember him coming over my house falling asleep

with a bag of fish he would go to rouse and you go to rouse you buy fish and they'll cut it up and fry it for you okay then he would be hammered you'd fall asleep and finny my cat would figure out how to go in the bag and i don't forget he woke up he's like get this motherfucking cat out of my fish the cat had been in the fuck and he was head first in there yeah this whole thing was greasy and everything for a week he looked like he was like fucking over this the cat his hair was all greasy around his ears the whole fucking thing but annie no i want to thank you for uh saving my life that night of course you made me fucking laugh you definitely have a fan with me if you ever need anything yeah i love what you do i love how you do it this i love you i feel kindred to

you i feel yes no and i do want to be more i want to i i gotta i gotta study you a little bit because i do want to be more i have so many fucking crazy stories and you know i'm going up and i'm telling these jokes and stuff but there's not like there's just like a lot of untapped stuff so i really gotta like i gotta tap into that when you were younger you had the link one problem no yeah you had any arrest i don't like i never got arrested um but i was like always running for my life i mean i really was like i'd always be like in jersey city running from a tranny or something i mean it was like i just have so many i just almost died a lot it was just a lot of really like hanging out with really dangerous people it wasn't i mean i was drinking and stuff but it was

just i my parents weren't watching me i just was i was just out and um and i ended up going to a school for juvenile delinquents because they had a good art program and it's just like do not send your kids to a fucking school i mean i was like smoking cigarettes in the bathroom in public school but i wasn't that bad you know and then i was with all these young criminals and it was just like i just got taken by them um but i always had like that kind of quaker upbringing i was always like good you know so it was it kept me from going too far but it was a lot of like running like running call the cops call the cops show like that hell it gets old doesn't it it just is a lot and i think that's why i'm such an adrenaline junkie and why things like skydiving aren't fun because

it's just like i just was in i feel like i was like the jungle book kid you know like i just was like in the jungle a lot and so now it's like nothing's really surprises me that much or ask you a personal question are you looking for love at all of course yeah really yeah i think i want to have a kid i've done ayahuasca four times in the past year and most of the times it's like be like you should have a kid so it's like about getting to a place in my career where i'm i feel happy and and good about it and then hopefully finding a partner and someone to like you know make a tribe with or something like that carry the lineage of my people so i'm thinking about i mean i don't know but it's you know i i have a lot to work on i have some

issues oh you're very funny you're a beautiful girl and you have a great career who do i fucking date who dates me who do i it's like who's the is hard if i was 20 years younger better looking and i could keep up with you i try you know saying i give you a world but this is too much you're a backbreaker it's a lot it's a lot i gotta find the right person you're the real deal you need a special uh you need an opposite yeah you need the quiet guy that says she's crazy what can i do you yeah you need to date the guy that's like paulie and good fellas i talk to them all the time they don't listen yeah it's hard brian uh simpson do you know brian simpson another name yeah he does late night he's so funny he's really great you wouldn't

see him just because you leave but he is fucking hilarious he just did david spady did stand up on there but he um he said to me he goes you know what your problem is you're attracted to brilliance and it's true so i end up but it's like i'm brilliant so then i'm like with these other minds and it's like we're all crazy like that comes with like beautiful minds come with a lot of crazy shit so crazy shit yeah it's about i said man figuring that out uh anytime you always have an open door here i love you dearly thanks i'm a fan and uh you need anything you call we got you too i got you if you ever need it if you need a blowjob from a kitchen from a kitchen wigger at the comic store you got no that's what i call them the kitchen wiggers i don't need no look at them

now and look at how they're kitchen wiggers i don't want no blowjobs from nobody you understand my dick is no bueno all right guys it's a wrap on joey's dick yeah no no no any dates you want to promote you at the road i don't have sure and i just i just um right now working on getting a getting back with a road agent right now i got nothing unless you want to take me i like i love to do a couple let's do some dates i like to take uh women with me sometimes because a lot of girlfriends buy tickets for their boyfriends these girls love their men so much that they tolerate me for an hour and i always feel bad i go i don't want to bring two guys because then the girl feels left out when this is a man show a female left out i want this show

i want a woman to go you know what man i took my fucking retarded husband to see joey d is he's disgusting vile he's disgusting but annie leterman was really funny and she was also vile and disgusting but she has tits sort of yeah at least you'll say something that they're like it's not about dick all night you know it's so funny about um what you were saying earlier about people saying like uh or saying like girls being like one of the guys or whatever i always people like you know trolls are the way like it's she's just trying to be one of the or whatever it's like i was raised with boys like i was raised i i mean i just like i had so much trauma to it's like you guys have no fucking clue there's no like fake i'm not trying to do anything

like this is how i am i was raised as a fucking dude i was raised with women yeah my natural aura i get energy from women yeah i can't do anything without women yeah well we all need each other i don't want to fuck them yeah i don't need to fuck them yeah i just need them around i need that vaginal energy yeah it's an energy that a woman has the pussy power you know i was raised by a single mom who was always surrounded by a fucking little crazy bitches friends and i was telling a woman the other i still remember them playing dominoes and me being hurray it's like watching tv but listening to yeah and the one woman going can you believe my fucking husband he fell asleep yeah and i eat my pussy and all of my oh my god what was wrong with him i don't know

he's hanging out with that guy doing you know right there with women i missed that yeah i missed my mother and her friends so my mother once told me my mother when i was like 12 or something my mother didn't like the woman thing my mother was like when you get ready they'll come to you you know yeah like the first time my mom didn't want me to grow up to be a fag yeah but the first time my brother woman over my mom was like you gotta leave the door open the bedroom and i would come down and go what's your fucking problem yeah i'm trying to get a nookie and she go down while i'm here yeah leave the the bed open the bad door the door open but my mom used to always say to me you know what you can't fuck every woman and half of them happy be your friends don't you and your

friends knock it off with yeah and i really learned from that i get i do a lot if six chicks invite me to watch a football game or five guys i go to the church yeah and i don't want to fuck you yeah i just goof yeah i've always dreamed of that you see that yeah that's what i always wanted yeah that's what i love that i love talking to her i know it's precious i don't want her to come to me when she's 13 and say i dated a guy and he fingered me that's not gonna be a yeah i don't i don't you know that yeah i just went somewhere and a friend of mine showed up with his daughter and he was saying horrible things and i'm like and he's like oh she knows everything you know i don't want to know everything but i want her to feel comfortable in a circle right and that's why i admire

all these yeah i admire you all you little fucking bitches all these you with me you know the chinese chick because you figure out a way yeah i love it wing wing alley one ying ying that's my girl i'm a biggest fan i have pictures of her and everything i go to the fucking airport to take pictures of a book oh yeah i love ying ying i love all my heart i love alley wong and she knows it yeah she knows it you know it's funny when you go at this like you know you're protected at the store as a woman you know that if anybody ever lays a hand on you they'll rip it yeah you got like three guys i want to love you i went on a date with this guy and he um he said something we were we were texting yet we hadn't met yet and he goes uh uh said something about my voice i go oh have you heard

my voice before and he goes no i've never heard your voice which by the way bullshit you hit me up i'm a comedian you're not going to check to see what my said it like you didn't check to see so he said he never heard my voice he goes well where can i hear your voice and i was like i don't know did you i just did you can um i just did a tv thing you could listen to me on rogan he goes i'd rather not and i go why and he goes because uh rogan seems like someone who would like beat me up for hitting on a sister and i went uh he would only beat you up if i told him to like what the fuck are you talking about you pussy i got a fucking pussy i was like you've never listened to him have you i had to a beef with a guy around 10 years ago 12 years ago to be exact and then he tried to

clean it up and i smacked him at the ice house about a year later i spit in his face i smacked a bitch last week she pinched me i just backhanded her i go yeah don't come at me with violence i'm a trained i will i'm a weapon this asset no you're i will i have a weapon i have numb chucks bitch i'll so it was funny that i forgot oh wait you were you slapped a guy at ice house i slapped him at the ice house but i forgot what the point in the fucking story sorry i interrupted i'm too fucking high who gives a shit who cares it's monday morning that's all you should worry about i want to hear it it's two days before christmas and that's it man yeah it's the holidays is it see my family so i'll get some dates to you next year dates baby get you out there you're a good

lady i got a lot of respect for you what can they find you where's your website uh my website is annie letterman lederman dot com you can get um all your anne fix there my dates when i get them will be up there and uh i have uh i'll be on david spade again on the 9th of january and uh i make a lot of videos and content on instagram i i love entertaining people so please follow my instagram it's just my name annie lederman she's very interesting i wouldn't have her on if she was a fugazi we'll be it will be a real deal i'll be funny on my head to her toes as you know collusion sold out there's a few tickets left to san francisco at the palace of performing arts uh the 16th i got the baker's field the fox theater the 17th i got fresno i don't know what theater it is

and the 25th of january they added a show at the tabernacle in atlanta there's tickets out there on go to joeydeas.net for merch for christmas and that's it but real funny real real quickly before we end the podcast i just want to talk to you about something listen most of us know how hard it is and how easy it is to get into debt you know what hard is getting out of debt especially when your credit card score isn't that great listen to me upstart they offer you a smarter interest rate to help you pay off your credit card debt upstart is tremendous if you're in debt right now this is the way to go you know why because they go beyond the traditional credit score your upstart interest rate is based on your education job history not your credit history

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your initial deposit and free wages that's what uncle joe is giving you for christmas all right and that's just a start you play you win you get paid my bookie now as always listen the worst thing you want is to bump into a good looking freak she goes down and she licks your bull sack and she smells that ass from a mile away there's nothing worse than that and guys you go down to the woman you can smell her ass before she gets there me i eat it what the fuck i slamming the huts and i'm a soldier at that i don't complain i'm lucky i'm grateful that you give me a piece i call your tongue the tushy they don't care i got a tushy tongue and i got those little i got like a cat tongue she gets two things for the price of one you know what i'm saying yeah mercy tell him daddy got a

cat tongue you know what i'm saying anyway i don't think about it yeah all right it's amazing unconventional gift for anyone in your life everybody has an ass but everybody deserves a gift from tushy you're like joey what's tushy tushy's affordable bidet that you can install within minutes by yourself no plumber no nothing let me ask you son do you think wiping your butt with dry toilet paper does anything no it removes the shit but you got poop on the other part of your body we just we just wipe it off with a dry paper water cleans better than dry paper thankfully now there's a sleek bidet attachment that slips into your existing toilet and it's called tushy and it sprinkles your ass with fresh water all right tushy's pray

she's not even laughing at me she's laughing at that goofy thing yeah tushy sprays directly into your muffler and removes the shit completely so that you're not sitting on bacteria you don't have that spicy ass you know what i'm saying and it creates nasty things like hemorrhoids yeast infections uti's itchy assholes and skid marks you don't need why are you talking shit on me i'm right here because bidet is a common all over the world except in the united states they'd rather kill 10 trees than wash their butts with water water is the answer tushy sprays fresh water in that muffler not toilet water the same water you brush your teeth with all right wet wipes are even worse than toilet paper don't get me started right listen tushy starts at 69 dollars they come in

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asshole i want to thank hello tushy dot com i want to thank my bookie and i want to thank upstart but most importantly i want to thank you savages for listening and supporting the podcast and i want to thank you and wish you guys a merry christmas just in case you don't listen to wednesdays i want you to listen to what i'm telling you right now i want to wish you a merry christmas and a happy holiday and for you and your families to be healthy and for you guys to get ready for 2020 to have a great new year i'm grateful to you guys for all the support that you've given me coming to the shows listening and uh just interacting with me on twitter i'm very grateful for that so go enjoy your day it's monday the rules still apply you stab a motherfucker if they fuck with you

the world ain't gonna give you nothing for dick and you got the world by the ball so go out there and get what's yours i want to thank annie leterman i want to thank the christ killer but most importantly i want to thank you guys i love you have a great christmas eve and we'll talk in the next couple days kick this muley me but somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me me who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company

wait and see i mean i want to be around to see how he does it when he puts your heart to bits let's see if the puzzle fits so far that's when i'll discover that revenge is sweet as i sit there applauding from a front row seat when somebody breaks your heart like you like you oh