Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #747 - Joey Diaz on the importance being grateful

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about the upcoming holidays, getting ready for next year, and why being grateful is important.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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Santa's left It's a state of mind I Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm done, bro I see you there with your shy reader I got my eye on you I shake your tail feathering in my face

As I go into what I do Well, look at your hands when you're playing The magic is in my hands So when I doubt I whip it out I got me a rock and roll, man It's a free throw Getting this day started Merry Christmas to all you guys and your families

Thank you very much for listening I know For a fact that for some people 60% of people listen to this podcast They're probably jumping up and down right now They won't even listen to this podcast By Monday But there's a lot of people

40% of you that need this podcast This time of the year isn't the best time of the year For everybody, you know And I get it, I get it I'm not I have a family, I have a wife, I have a kid I have dear friends, but It seems like you're missing something

When you're not around your family Or a family member is gone It doesn't feel like Christmas anymore But it still is It still is, you know Last week I did the one man show at the comedy store And I covered a certain time in my life

From 93 to 95 And I'll never forget Christmas in 94 Christmas in 94 will always stick with me forever For a thousand reasons I made something out of nothing I woke up For $3,000 in my pocket

And stole a Christmas tree Got $180 cash Got Chinese food Stole a bike and made Jackie My first sibling That was the last time We saw each other

But I still remember her leaving that night And me feeling like death I remember putting up the decorations At duck tape I didn't even have money to buy Christmas tape I had that little stuff You put it on your apartment, I don't know You know, the glitter stuff

I put it up with duck tape I got Chinese food delivered Because it's the only people that are open On Christmas Day And we had a nice day together I had a thousand gifts for her And a bike and this and that and this I remember her leaving

And me Breaking down like I usually did And it was Christmas so there was no way to go To comedy or anything And for a minute there I'm not saying I felt suicidal But I just didn't feel good You know that you don't feel that day that you don't

Christmas day, some people get up And it's not Christmas day for them I can imagine Especially after growing up as a kid And having presents under the tree Because it's a whole week, it's a little different It's not Christmas day For some people

And I'm really sorry you feel this way It's something that The holidays kind of bring them down We were going to take this week off But like I said, no, no, no, no We need to talk about this And why you feel this way And it was so weird that night

When she left with her mother I sat there And You know, it's just looking around I was probably getting ready To make the call to get a package You know, you might the go thing When things got bad

A package would make her feel better And somewhere along that I remember looking up Looking at this little apartment Maybe the size of this office And going What do I feel bad about You know

I think I was getting dressed To head to a party or something like that Somebody had invited me over to a Christmas party Because you're never really alone On Christmas unless you really want to be Somebody always reaches out And says, hey man You want to stop by

And as bad as you feel As bad as you feel You stop And you get a bottle And you get an apple pie or whatever Once you get to that place Something about that place You'll see the magic of Christmas

And the magic of Christmas Somebody on the phone yesterday And I go, listen, what are you going to do for Christmas They said, I don't know you And I go, what are you going to do You're going to sit by yourself And I go, there's a problem Swing by, I go

It'll change your whole perspective On Christmas, you know For some people it's just hitting a table And going Looking up and looking at strangers You've been in that position On a Christmas day where you pop your head up And you're looking at all strangers

And you ask yourself How did I even get here Well, the universe took care of you Again, the universe takes care of you As much as you don't think it's Taking care of you, the universe is taking care of you I've been You know what Christmas is on the road, Lee

Do you know what it's like To go out on the road And Christmas is on A Thursday And you're in Ohio So you do Tuesday and Wednesday And on Christmas day You pretty much stay in your room

And watch the parade of roses There's no budget for you to fly To see mom or to see your brothers Nothing Christmas is where you buy yourself I did four or five of those On the road Where you're there

You're in Fuck not Indiana And It's you and the headliner on Christmas day And he's got a friend In town And it's you and this apartment And you're sitting there going

Jesus What has my life become And all of a sudden something stops And he says wait a second You're doing what you would Wanted to do This is part of the bargain So you get up off the couch

You go down to the nearest Walmart That's open till one There's a bunch of old senior citizens They got three days away from the grave And you look at their faces And they're happy to see you And they're welcoming you And you go in, you buy a dollar Christmas tree

You buy a bunch of treats You go back to the house And you watch Christmas programming And you eat your little snacks And you smoke a couple of joints And you take a couple of sips of your beer And it wasn't all that bad Just by stepping out of the house

And making you see some guy That's got three days left on his life Saying Merry Christmas to you That does something to you All these little things do something to you And that's why I don't want you to The number one rule for tomorrow today is I don't want you to be alone

You spent some time with Uncle Joey Get out of the house Somebody invited you somewhere Even if it was just to watch a game Because you never know what could happen When you're watching a game, whatever it's there Football game tomorrow, there's got to be something A college bowl game

The lakes are playing, the clip is There's something going on, you know Do not be alone But back to 94, I'm sitting there And all of a sudden Something happened that made me Open my calendar I don't know what it was

To see what I had the week ahead I've always had a calendar And I remember having like three spots That week Like having like three real spots Like two guest sets of clubs And like one paid gig And it all

Swirled at me then That I was grateful I had never been grateful before You have no idea How being grateful On Christmas Day Makes you feel Because

Most of us are sitting there thinking about What we don't have And you really have to think about What you do have You know, there's a guy that's part of the church family Since day one I met him through Rogan And I don't know if he knows this

Excuse me, hold on Yo, mercy You want to crinkle that paper a little more? What? You want to crinkle that paper a little more? Alright then Jesus Christ I'm over here trying to do a podcast

And you're over there crinkling papers and stuff Uh So I got to deal with This is what happens when you don't have school And you got to drag your daughter with you But I don't mind, I'm going to have it with me all day In places Get her out of the house

Give the mama a breather Because I'm not your tormenta mama At some point I got to get her to the park To do a thousand little zip recruiter things And go back and forth On the monkey bars I'm not sure you'll be jumping up and down all night Tonight's a bad energy day

But In the middle of all this Once I became grateful Christmas has changed Joey and I and Lee were talking about Mindsets When you do things you don't want to do It all changes depending on

How you go into it Listen, going to the gym sucks You go into it Next thing you know you look at the clock, you're halfway there Next thing you know you look at the clock and the guy's going Alright we got it, alright last minutes Let's turn up the heat a little bit And you're out of there

And you were like what was so bad about that You know It's getting yourself there I don't even know how we got on the topic You were saying something about someone from Rogan For what? Someone you met through Rogan Inspires you?

Yeah and his name is Kern Michael I met Michael Kern At a Rogan concert And this kid's in a wheelchair I don't know what his condition is or whatever God bless him The guy doesn't give up You think the guy's not grateful

So next time you sit You're sitting there in pity of yourself Because you lost your job Your girlfriend dumped you She got pregnant by a different Puerto Rican You know what Go look up Kern Michael's page And see if there's any pity in his page

See if there's once Has there been pity on his fucking page See if there's a picture of him All mangled up No, it's pictures of him walking It's pictures of him with no shirt on Then he shows up to show the bitches For all you motherfuckers

That are waiting for the next coming of life This guy's in the wheelchair Getting his dead dick sucked What are you doing? You know, you think about it You really have to look at something like Kern Michael To really appreciate life and go What am I doing with my life?

This guy is in a wheelchair And he's walking around Like Jesus Remember when Jesus was hitting those people in the head And they started walking So I look at that guy there and I go What am I doing with my life? I gotta go make people laugh and I'm depressed

I gotta go make people laugh And I have anxiety, I'm scared I mean, you have to This, and I'm not Saying this in a negative way but While you're sitting there falling And pity for yourself on Christmas There's somebody else

That's an attempt That's somebody else that's in a shelter There's somebody else That's under observation For psychiatric reasons For whatever it may be And here you are Sitting in your apartment

Watching the Rose Bowl Parade Like, you know, thinking that Thinking about pulling a criss-corn out No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Look at it from a different angle Look at it from how great for you Are to have what you have Your mother might be an outkeeper

Guess what? At least you got a mother You don't see me going to my mother's house So whatever you might be Thinking that Joey's going to Burke Rices or Tom Segura's And they're gonna be jumping up and down You got your mother I don't have a mother

So we all have our little Personal Vietnam's But from December 23rd To January 6th, they all go away Listen, what are they gonna do? Put you in That is prison? What are they gonna do? Put you in jail? Because they're gonna evict you

They can't, listen Be grateful for what you have And Christmas and the rest of the year It'll be better, you know why I'm grateful For what's on this day Because I know I'm getting One day closer To a new start

Listen, just like you I'm not fond about Christmas You don't see me with Santa hats on I got a daughter that don't like Christmas She don't like Santa Claus She's, she don't ask To take pictures of Santa Claus I got a picture of her when she was two

Making sure I'm between her And talking to Santa Claus That's how much she hates Santa Claus I didn't teach her to hate the Santa Claus I never even, you're supposed to love Santa Claus She wrote Santa Claus a letter She talks about Santa But she can just have mother fucker at arms distance

And that's just the way life is sometimes I don't know what it is She keeps that dude Far, far, far away from her And Like I was saying, Christmas day for me Is no one thing Once Christmas comes

I know I'm three, four days away from her I'm unhatching my plan For the new year You're unhatching a new venture 2020 For you should be a new business You're opening up a new business How excited are you?

You ever go down to the bank And you get the paperwork approved Then you find the location And you got to deal with the landlord And you got to build the bathroom Because midget's got to use a midget bathroom And you got to deal with the sign Oh yeah

And finally that day has come That you're going to do the grand opening Soft party Well guess what, that's the 2020 You're getting a chance to open up Your own business Think about that No matter how bad Christmas feels

No matter how bad of a year you had this year No matter how good of a year you had this year Think about this 2020, you're opening up a whole new restaurant Oh my god Am I excited? I got go-go girls while you eat meatball While you're eating a hamburger

Women are going to come by and cut their pubes With their face That's the idea I got for a new restaurant I'm bullshitting you people What I'm trying to say to you is You have a new chance to be a new you For 2020 That thing you've been thinking about doing

That's been on the back burner for the last year It's time to execute it So today and tomorrow You walk down the CVS You get yourself the cheapest notebook they have And you write down This business you're starting This business that's called you

If your name is John Smith It's the John Smith And I'm the CEO of my company How is it going to be different this year? Well maybe John Smith has a high paying job That makes 120,000 a year With full benefits Maybe John Smith is happier

With what he has But maybe John Smith just wants a little more He's in a relationship He's got a kid He's married, he wants a little bit more out of life As you get older If you don't want more You're retarded

When you're 38 One day you're going to wake up and go You know what? When I was 6 I wanted to play the fucking flute in a band And you're going to go on internet flute And who's got a flute club around here In my neighborhood And you're going to sit around with 6 other potential fags

And play the fucking flute until you're happy I'm not saying you're gay What I'm saying is that There's no flute or the guitar Because that's what human nature is Wanting more There's nothing wrong with wanting more So John Smith could be a guy

That's making 120,000 a year With full benefits But there's something missing from his life Because it's better to want than to have See we get lied to We're going to go to college And then we're going to find the life of our dreams And you know

All you jerk-offs watch Office Space And you think that it's just a fucking party That you go there and then after When you get drinks and ha ha ha And it's Michelobre time What's that new one? Makers Mark The Puerto Rican with his mother Everybody knows Puerto Ricans drink Coke 45

Knock it off with fucking Makers Mark Not commercial You know Everybody thinks that this is going to be a life Lee and I have had this conversation We've seen college students Around us that have graduated And think it's this TV show

Well it's not It's a challenge And a lot of you guys are college graduates And you're sitting there thinking about your next meal Because that piece of paper didn't do dick Now what needs to come into balance Is that piece of paper that they called Good Old American Common Sense

And that's what's going on with John Smith John Smith knows he's making a ton of money For his fucking company He sits in a goddamn cubicle all day And he wants just a little bit more out of life Just a little bit more So John Smith's going to take a shot this year

He's going to take a class That's three hours a week on Fucking gemology And then once the class is over He's going to meet somebody in that stupid class Who has the same needs and interests That he has in the same position And maybe they get a boot at a fucking

A gem convention Twice a year to start off with This is what 2020 should be meaning to you right now Oh it's a new decade I don't give a fuck if it's a new decade To me it's just another fucking day In a new year

And it means another day in a new year That you get the chance to do What you really really Really really really Really Wanted to do Not what your parents wanted Not what your cunt wife is pushing

In the direction Of all that What you really want to do What is it that's going to add to my life Or how am I going to change We have so many different options For 2020 It's ridiculous

How good 2020 looks right now And I got nothing going on It's not like you don't see me shoot the Netflix special You don't see me on no fucking Selling a lifestyle I got nothing I just know that I'm going to be a better person Better stand up comic

I'm going to keep going after that fucking store And I'm going to keep getting better And fucking better and keep writing I'm starting to write a new hour You know we do have hopefully the book Will come out this year I've been working on putting together A vocal book

Audio book Audio book because listen As far as the writing is concerned You got a better chance to fucking Jesus Coming down and raping you with his dick Because it takes me three days To write a paragraph It's a great paragraph but it takes three days

At the end of the time At the end of the week it's a lot of diminishing returns By the time you get Joey Diaz's life story Joey Diaz will die And whoever replaces his fucking life Will be writing his life story And even he can't write it So I said forget all that

We're going to switch it up So yeah I have things I'm looking forward to doing I don't have all the opportunities That a lot of other guys have But I got one opportunity The only one that's ahead of me And that's being fun here What can I do to be funny

Go deeper into my gut Say what I deeper feel in my heart And learn how to transfer it to a paper You don't think I'm excited about 2020 right now You're out of your mind And not You know

We think excitement and action is financial It's a lucrative We're going to be at bars Dressed in white like Don Johnson by him No no no no I'm talking about personal growth Is the best feeling You could ever have in your life

Personal growth Knowing that you're going for something With everything you got Yeah you got your day job I get it but guess what What do you do at night You talk to the kids for two minutes And wife for two minutes

Who if you're like me after ten minutes You want to stab them in the neck anyway Because you got from seven to ten on this couch Doing nothing say forget it Two nights a week I got to go do something I'm going to take money out of my savings I'm going to take a fucking class at the local college Something

2020 should add something else To your fucking life Something else that you want to do What else do you want to do There's got to be something else you want to do Listen I'm not even talking about that I'm just talking about

Look at 2020 as a new beginning for your life Be grateful For what you have Hey you know what man I got a thousand Regrets And I wish I had a thousand things But you know what sometimes

It's better to want than to have It's funny Again I'm really down here I'm not saying anything off-color I watched the Eddie Murphy on SNL I didn't watch the whole episode

Because that's not going to happen I haven't really heard anything That it was groundbreaking And what I did see Was a lot of Smoke and mirrors I'm not saying nothing bad about Eddie at all By no means

But it's funny that was one point I saw this on Facebook Of Tracy Morgan Chris Rock and Eddie And Dave Chappelle walking on stage And Chappelle Put a cigarette out and he lit it And he goes, is that allowed?

And the audience got a big laugh And I thought that was cute I took the whole thing was great But do you want me to tell you something And this is the funniest Fucking thing in the world I wouldn't want to be one of those guys Who paid me

Like I wouldn't want to have to be I don't I didn't get into comedy To be that guy Is there another Comedian who you would Like try to be like, oh if I could have their career That I'd be happy? Or is it just personal to you?

I really admire Doug Stan Hope's career And Andrew Schultz's career And I patterned it From both of theirs I think that My special days have come to an end I've come to that

I think that I really just want to work on my live act You know, I don't ever have aspirations I'm going on a late night show Like I've never watched them So I have no aspirations If it was Johnny Carson And somebody would come to me

And say They want you to do six minutes clean For him I would do it But that stuff You know, somebody told me a very interesting thing The other day And you know me guys I'm raised Cuban

Santeria and Catholic But I love a couple things in the Buddhist religion I really do And A dear friend of mine Said to me write something Write it down seven times what you really want And I did it

I did it at the end and I stood up till two I got really high And I wrote it down just to see what the answer was And after seven times It got shorter and shorter and shorter The other night my daughter was on some app Called ABC something ABC

Not the kid one that you see commercialized Mercy Mercy Thank God She don't know like a lot of fire in her ass hole She wouldn't know Not that I would do that She's my beautiful little daughter

But it's some ABC something It goes by grades And I let her use my computer And I heard dad I was watching World News tonight And I didn't know if she had just gotten stuck And then 20 minutes later I heard dad

And I go over and she goes dad I don't know how to Put this into a file And this app This kid's app had A page to write this letter to Santa Claus I don't know I knew she had written a letter to Santa Claus But I think she

She wanted to double check he got it So she wrote it to him On the internet on the fucking cloud And when I read the letter I got a taste of how to get up And wipe my tears from my face She wrote Dear Santa

I've been a good girl This year I really tried I made a few mistakes At this point I'll take Whatever you give me I'll take anything that you give me But what I really want For Christmas is to be happy

This is from The mind Of a six year old And this is what we fucking forget guys That's it That's it do you know what I felt Like when I read that That

I took a page out of a Six year olds Like that's it Last Sunday night when I got home From my second set at the store And I did my closing arguments For the day in my notebook I wrote that it's Sunday

That it doesn't matter if they bomb Japan Young come cool and send some missile over here If they impeach Trump Nothing really matters It's fucking Christmas It's Christmas It's time to be happy It's time to

All that shit that you put through throughout the year Hating your boss Being mad at this person All that stuff goes away And let me tell you something It took me 56 years to realize that I'm no fucking genius But I'm telling you right now about four years ago

It came to me It doesn't matter It doesn't matter all the hard work And all the suffering you put in this year Ends on the 22nd or 23rd You have to put your mind somewhere else You have to put your mind on the good things that happen Yeah, but Joey, your cat died

Yeah, but Joey, you ate a bag of dicks And blew all the ends Yeah, Joey, you missed a flight in Atlanta Dog, I had a thousand shortcomings this year But I'll tell you what's shortcoming I didn't have I wrote a new 20, 30 minutes I'll tell you what's shortcomings I didn't have I didn't give up on my health

I had a lot of shortcomings But there's a lot of things I didn't do I didn't stop being Who the fuck I was Who the fuck I believed in I could care less about the cancer culture Or whatever the other culture You got the only culture I got

Is the culture that comes up between my fucking legs That looks like yoga But it tastes like death milk So, that's the only culture I think about But I really want you to think about this year While you're sitting there today Listening to a few podcasts

Forget about everything else, man It's about what you have And it's about three days from now When your fucking plan Gets hatched Can you imagine that? This thing you've been dreaming about for years That you've been scared to try

And because you might fail Who gives a fuck You know how many times you gotta fail Before you really think it If you try it the first time It's just gonna flourish That's the problem with people We've become too

We think that after one or two tries That that's it, my life is done Bitch, your life is starting And you got 19 more failures Before you even move Another inch on this fucking field This football field we're playing on You're trying to move

It's an inch and again, you watch games You think you can go in there Stand behind where the quarterback is And actually drop and throw a ball No, you can't The first three times they give you the ball You don't have to put your head down And move forward and you're just going for the game of inches

So right now If you're in the position In your life That you're playing in the game of inches This is what it is Some people are playing the game of six inches Some people are playing the game of feet I play in the game of inches

I play in the game of inches And I'll never ever change that No disrespect I go to Super Bowl 91 The Giants against the New England Patriots The New England Patriots missed the field goal The New England Patriots missed the field goal

But you know what the New England Patriots Missed that day, they missed the I think Belichick Was still the coach of the Giants then Oh wow, wow, okay That was 91 when Scott Norwood Mixed the field goal You have to watch that game

To understand Check and see if Belichick was a giant coach In 91 Just For my own sanity To the people at the house Understand What I'm trying to talk about here

You know what I'm saying Said it was Roy Hamley Of the Giants And who is his assistant I don't think Belichick was In In New England still I still thought it was Parcells

And he was a Disciple of Parcells So I wasn't sure But anyway when you What I'm still looking For his assistants It's really funny when you watch that game in

1990 The Giants The Giants Couldn't beat New England If they wanted to 10 years over It's like when the Giants beat When they beat the Denver Broncos

They had Phil Simms at the quarterback Phil Simms won 23 for 25 Phil Simms couldn't Hit 23 people in a whole fucking decade Never mind the Super Bowl Do you mean the season Like the Super Bowl in 1991 So it was the 1990 season

Whatever the hell was The Giants Parcells was The coach in 1990 Unbelievable Do you mean 1991 Whatever the Giants played The New England Patriots

And he missed the field goal And the guy was going to shoot Oh that was the Buffalo Bills I'm sorry Yeah it was 90 Okay if you watch that game I know I'm not retarded here thank god I know Ray Hanley was the coach

I knew If you watch that game The Giants couldn't Beat New England They had a quarterback I think Jeff Ostela That guy Couldn't even pass a ball Couldn't even pass a ball

It was a shame New England could have beat them A thousand times But you know how the Giants Beat them They didn't give them the ball That works That's how much they broke it down

This was way before the sign Stealing and the helicopters Were camera on it I mean Pelicheks like NASA This guy's got Drones with you know He's got a lot of tricks But this is the advantage of what

Guys Is not east cheating But when winning becomes that much To you that's a problem But that's a complete different episode I'm trying to talk to you right now About that Super Bowl Because that Super Bowl watching that Super Bowl

I was still married I was still very unhappy I think the Tethers were over This family from Boulder Who they were both trying to be millionaires Now they got 19 fucking kids And the wife is still a cunt And the husband's a cunt too

They turned on me during the divorce I never forgot you filthy fucks Anyway They were over the house With onion dip like normal Americans This was way before hummus Before suicide bombers And people were getting blown up

And this is you know This is when America was America And fucking The Giants played New England the Super Bowl And They beat them with a guy named O.J. Anderson That was a 36 year old running back

Wow And what their objective was Was to run out the clock Take as much time as they could In between plays And let this guy run 3 yards at a time 3 yards at a time 3 yards at a time

They changed the offensive line 3 yards at a time Put in another skinny black guy Let him run 1 yard O.J. take a breather 3 more And then they'll beat them Joey your fucking point

How many times does a guy run for 3 yards A thousand times They took the ball away But what I'm going back to is They had a plan For that game They had a plan for that game When I ate the dick with Netflix

On the way home They had a plan for my podcast My stand up And my personal life And I stuck to them To the best of my ability And I'm reaping some of the rewards Some of them

You can't be per- You know if you go for 4 and you get 3 out of 4 You can't complain You got 3 out of 4 It's like I totally Lee and I were talking about a weight watcher diet And I go Lee It's called a lifestyle change

It's your lifestyle change It's not a diet Diets are ugly words Diet is the n word of health Don't use diet It's a lifestyle change Instead of eating that piece of toast I'm going to eat an apple

Instead of drinking that smoothie I'm going to drink water It's a lifestyle change What we were talking about A particular thing about the weight watch How it teaches you to Make deals with yourself Make deals with yourself

Like I'll do this And I won't do this It's kind of the same thing I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about The one thing I wanted to talk to you about And not to disagree with you But at the beginning we were like Don't be alone

I've been alone on a lot of holidays And like these people who are working tomorrow And they'll be alone And they're new I definitely see what you're saying How we could be talking about it on the last podcast Where if you have some mental health It's not good to isolate

And I agree with that But I think there are some people And like almost I'm looking forward to spending a day Going over my notes Or just doing nothing for a few hours To me I sometimes enjoy

No I haven't You don't want to sit alone I don't mind you waking up at 9 And looking through your notes Jerking off one time And maybe taking a bag of clothes That you don't need and getting it ready And taking it to the fucking Salvation Army

On the 26th Maybe taking your time Taking a shower But you know what? Take care of yourself The worst thing to scenario go to Denny's Get the 4x4 dive Go out I know some people like to be alone

You're talking to the person that invented being alone You're talking to somebody who's an only child You had a brother And you like being alone Think about somebody who was raised being alone I love being alone Yes they had a prime example Yes they had

Not much on the plate It was Monday What I needed to do was lift I lift every Monday at 10 with a trader I had nothing else to do My wife was going to Universal We were running a bunch of things Nobody really knew because there's no school this week

I did what I had to do I went and lifted I went home and I made 15 calls 15 emails I had to end up motherfucking a few people Whatever But then I forced myself to get the hell out of the house Because I know I'm going to be in the house all week

I'm going to be in the house all week It's Christmas I forced myself to call Down to the comedy store Thursday night And don't get me wrong If Christmas Eve, Christmas night Things ain't going good Or there's a midnight showing

I will be at the comedy store Christmas night Tonight just sitting around To watch comedy I try to get on stage But I'm not there to step on somebody's toes Somebody always cancels on Christmas Right

Because they realized they went somewhere And had two cocktails Some nights they'll be six But some nights they'll just pull an open mic up there On Christmas Because nobody shows up down there So depending on how I feel tonight I might shoot down there

That's just the way it is I didn't call in for it I'll definitely be down at them all night Then I got Calusa Thursday They opened up some tickets for San Francisco So if you want to go Get your tickets right now I know you got a little envelope for Christmas

Grandma gave you a 50 a savings bond If you trade it in you get $21 Who cares about the 30 year growth You ain't got time for that stuff anyway You know what I'm saying What I'm trying to say to you is this man Be grateful for what you have Don't worry about what you don't have

It's Christmas day You're the best you can There's no use crying over spilt milk at this point Over the year The year is done and gone And it's never going to come back again You know what? My cats are never going to come back Netflix

Is never going to give me another special There's a thousand things that aren't going to happen But you know what? 2020 is coming And I know there's going to be a good year for you guys And for myself Whether it's Barbara Lingus I know Hubs is having a hard time up there

I know a thousand of you guys Scott Cunningham I want to congratulate you On the birth of your new child I'm watching, guys I'm watching, you know what I'm saying Lauren Rosenkirch still supporting After all these years

I'm watching you guys And we still got a tight knit family This is more than a podcast This is a state of mind And this is two people who have no reason We do all our communication online Can you believe that? Can you believe that?

All the communication online And then I come to your hometown You shake my hand and we take a picture And we move on for the rest of the year But listen Today is not the day to worry about what happened Three months ago Today is not the day to worry about what happened

Six months ago Today is not the day to worry about what happened 20 years ago What happened Acknowledge it and make the best of what the day is It's Christmas Is it born today? I don't know if the reporter can show it up

I don't know what happened I'm not here to chronologically What ever the word is Chronologically Christmas and what it means And sharing You know what, you're broke You don't have money to give nobody gifts

That's fine A smile and a hug just does Just as well A smile and a hug You got a wallet You got a wallet You felt worse than what you already did You know, a bad gift

No gift is a bad gift I'm going to tell you it's always a good gift A handshake A look in an eye and tell somebody you love them Thank you for doing What you do Always a great gift A hug and just saying, hey man

I remember what you did for me this year You made me laugh at my roughest time That's the best gift That's a Christmas gift that never ever fails A handshake Telling somebody you love them And giving them a hug and going, hey This is what it's all about at the end of the week

I wanted to buy you a helicopter But my funds were short I'm barely making a rent, you know what I'm saying If I wanted to give the gifts That I wanted to the people I wouldn't eat, I'd be homeless There's people that deserve great gifts Is here, but you know what

They're going to get the gift of my friendship And that's the best gift you could ever have And the gift that you're going to give me By listening By, you know, taking little notes By whatever is the gift of your friendship That's all you need to worry about This Christmas

Tonight when you're eating dinner Or when you're not eating dinner Look around you See what you have And see how good you really have it You were waking up this morning Feeling bad about yourself You got 2020

Make the best of it Write down your goals and go for it That's it, I know you're successful I know you have a job But I also know and I actually You wanted to play the ukulele And put a wig on backwards and sing like Lady Gaga I never told anybody that

You don't need to tell me, I know your deepest secrets I see you lurking outside of gay bars Thinking what's going to happen I go in there with this little virgin ass But hey, take a chance Columbus did 2020s around the corner You're going to hear from us next week

We're going to do a couple of podcasts for you We're not going to leave you out in the cold New Year's Eve And during the week So we will definitely be back Like I said, I got a couple of tickets open For San Francisco We have

Fresno We have Bakersfield in January And we also have the second show Added at the Tabernacle Theater Atlanta, Georgia, which I'm excited about Get to go hang out with Gladys Knight Stand online

Eat some whatever the hell Black soul food and I'm ready to go You know what I'm saying, I show up on stage With a big dick on Afro And a picture of Black Panther It was the last time you showed up With a picture of Black Panther Before we leave real quick

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Get Manscape And keep your ugots clean You understand me? Listen I'll see you guys in San Francisco If not, we'll talk next week We're gonna rock your world I love you guys with all my heart I want you to remember what I said

Be grateful today With what you have And what you don't have Because maybe what you have You don't need anybody Sometimes it's better to want Than to have I love you guys

Thank you for supporting the podcast I want to thank the Christ Killer Thank you guys for being savages And for always having my back I love you guys Have a merry, merry Christmas Hug your families and have a great, safe day Take this meal, Lee

I hope you've had fun I hope you've had fun I hope you've had fun The near and the dear ones The near and the dear ones The near and the dear ones The old and the young The old and the young

A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas

A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas

A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas

A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas A merry, merry Christmas Let's close the curtain one, without any fear

So this is close my faith, that happily burn Oh, you know I hate you, and the long just begun And I'm so happy, cause one day, when we have you We'll head over to the world, nearer than the people wanted But, oh rather now, oh, let me make this life And a happy new year Let's hope this other one, without any fear What is all of us in you?

What is all of us?