Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #756 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: January 29, 2020

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian, actress seen on MTV and Playboy TV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

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What's up? Where the fuck you been? You look beautiful. I love you. Are those hair extensions or? No, no, it's my hair. It looks beautiful long. Oh, I love you.

Thank you. I was just working out and then you called me. Here we are. I called because it was just one of those couple days, man. I love that. But we have the best podcast when we just were both like, we just need to pick me up. Let's do it. I just need to pick me up.

I want the month and not strong. It's a rough week in L.A. You know, you were talking about gay bars before. I was just getting out of the fucking. Let's get into the gaze. We moved here and we didn't have a kid. So when we moved here one night, my wife and I were sitting here. Nobody invited us to a Super Bowl party.

OK. And we said, let's take a walk around the neighborhood. We walked around the neighborhood. We walked into this fucking bar and we're sitting there and the game turns on. And they got people bringing food. All these guys are bringing food like cakes and for the Super Bowl. And they got a pool table and they had all the food on top of there. And after about 20 minutes and maybe 30 minutes, I don't know.

I'm having a tequila. Whatever the fuck I'm having, I probably got an edible of me. And all of a sudden my wife goes, you do know we're in a gay bar. And I go, how do you know? And she goes, well, fucking beside the chubby lesbian over there with the military haircut and the flag hanging. She's the only one as a tarp hanging over the thing. And again, I didn't get to get up and leave.

I had a fucking great time. Sure. I ended up watching the Super Bowl. I ate some food. One guy recognized me from the store. He was an open miker. I'm surprised you're even here. You know, I shit. Tom, my wife was here.

He looked at me, we're sure that type of shit. That's hilarious. But then I didn't know. I don't, you know, I don't know nothing about the gay culture. Yeah. But then more and more when we met Eric and then you have a gay friend, the Chinese guy or whatever the fuck. Yeah, Korean. You guys are telling this fucking like if you want to be a conservative gay guy, like if you want to be like, you know, the people that buy

we know when they, you know, in the Boston Red Sox, go to the World Series. Right. Yeah. And people buy Boston hats. Oh, so yeah, they're fair weather. Those are the gay people that go to Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah, you're right. West Hall, they come to the valley. They come to the valley. Yeah, I didn't. Is this true? It's true.

I didn't discover now. There's no bar called the mouthful. No, OK. There's there's. So every time there's a mouth, a bar called the mouth. That's your friend, your gay friend, you talk about. OK, all I know is I have a gay uncle and his husband who live up the street from here. And after so, I was taking them out to a gay bar after I met up with you one night.

You were like, you got to take them to the mouthful. I heard there's a teepee in the back. They get their dick sucked or something like that. Yes. Yeah. My uncle and me spent the whole night trying to find this. We're like googling mouthful Los Angeles, West. It's not. There's no place, but there's a place like that. I think the mouthful is like not the real name of the place. They keep switching them out.

They switch names because, no, the gay bar that I went to here in the back has a flag. So now, which one did you go to? I went to the one around the corner on Burbank Boulevard, the bullet one. That's the one. No, no, no. He was I went to the one right over here. There's one before the bullet, which has a flag outside. That's the one where I got robbed. There's one on Burbank Boulevard after Vineland and all that shit.

Yeah, I dropped Eric off. It's bigger. That's the bullet. Oh, wait. That's the bullet. That's the one with three rooms. Now, let me tell you what happened. OK, right. Let me tell you what happened. That used to be a Mexican restaurant across the street.

Lizzie, you know, but no, that one. The bullet used to be like a Mexican. Oh, yeah. Teenian restaurant. Like a and all of a sudden what they did was they took this gay bar over here and they switched them because that's why they started selling tacos in front of there at night. That place is that crazy over there. Dude. So I dropped Eric off in there one night. I knew that was the bullet bar, but I knew that somebody in my circle

has mentioned, let me tell you what this gay bar is. I'm going to tell you what the gay bar is. You have to go. But if they realize lower canyon. And after two or three blocks, you got to make a left. And you go into a neighborhood and it's like warehouses and recording studios and back there you park because one night I went to do Eddie Bravo's podcast. It was there.

His podcast started at eleven. Yeah. And when we came out, me, we were small. You couldn't smoke in the studio. This has to be five, six years ago. So I'm putting all these pieces together now. And at the corner, it was a hobby. It was it's on the corner. It's on it. It's on like a dead end type street.

Nobody knows they're there. The purple lights are there. There must have been 20 guys outside with their fucking hats on. And then when I got in the car that night to leave, I said, let me see what the fuck it is. You can't you. And it's like it's a weird neighborhood in North Hollywood. It's half residential, but a couple warehouses.

I wonder if it's the same. So this is why I thought that was the mouthful. It's really hidden where John Evan has his jujitsu. Right, you know, is that there across the street is a strip club that nobody talks about. I hear if you go in there with a hundred bucks till around the world. I don't know what the name of the club is. What's around the world?

Don't look at balls in your asshole and suck. But it's by a woman who's got shot twice. Just out of prison. It's not something when I used to go train jujitsu with John Evan, I would see guys going in there for lunchtime. And I asked John about that one time. I go, Professor, do you ever go over there after class at night? And he goes, that's not the kind of strip club.

But you're right, there's two. Because I always went to strip clubs. I go to strip clubs on the road. Now, what do you hear about the strip clubs in Nevada? I've been to two bars. Lisa, he went to one where there was videos. Yeah, that's the one I thought you were talking about. Yeah, the gay bar.

That's the gay bar where there's two in the valley that I've been to that are both you got to understand, like for the people listening, like most of us go to gay bars where like straight girls go because guys don't flirt with you, but the gay guys love you and everything's happy and bubbly and rainbows. These are like if if like the seediest gay dudes like a gay mob ran a club. That's how you have to even go down the one you're talking about with the videos. You have to go down a little side alley thing to walk in.

And then there's three rooms. If they think you're straight or if you're they didn't even what like they wouldn't let me in the back room. The back room is like the sex like everybody's fucking. I think that's your teepee. I think he might. I think you might have gone to his side one because the one that we're talking about the bullet, you just go right on Burbank

and they let me right in. Did they charge you a cover? No. It was it was an off night after I've only went once. Wait, but there's this one with the video screens and the porn playing everywhere. That's the same one I want to Burbank by the by the Chinese by our old office sort of. They probably didn't let you in the back.

Somebody's got to tell you about the back. It's no, I went to the back with the tent. I didn't go in the tent. You went all the way back there. Yeah, they totally gave you a gay pass. They would not let me in my body took me on a tour. I was with two gay dudes and a guy was very like you never think at a gay bar a guy's going to step to you and be mean

because, you know, that happens at straight bars. I love it. I had the best experience. Everyone was so nice to me there. He took me around. It was it was raining. So I don't think anyone was in the tent that night. But I was so I didn't get to see the tent. It's it looks it looks like one of those homeless tents under the bridges.

It's like it's barely standing up. I can't imagine what it smells like in that man's feet. Men's ass and like dead sperm on the floor. Because the jizz just comes out of their mouth. Well, do you want me to show you the pictures? I don't know. Not the tent, but I know you hate Yelp, but they have the best Yelp. Really? All right.

Let's read the Yelp because they have they have this is what goes on. And guys like me don't know this should exist. So when I found out about all these stories and then my gay neighbor and his stories, I was like, there's a secret foundation, dude. There's like a secret island of my guy goes on in the valley. My gay bestie. He'll do like, you know, some people have a like party for a week

and then take two or three weeks and not do anything at all. And then we'll do like a bender. He does that with fucking dudes. And it's the funniest. I mean, we were on the road together at two in the afternoon. He's like, hey, do you mind if I go up the street? This guy on Grindr, he wants to hook up. I'll be back in like an hour.

I'm like, you're just trying to stranger to go fuck like an appointment. He's like, yeah, but I'll be back. Then he comes back. Then later he's like, I have a date. I'm like, what? He's like in an hour. He went on two fuck dates before the show and another one after the show. Is this it?

This is my favorite. He opened the entire world. I can't tell if this is the one. Wait, this is in Santa, Florida. No, this is in Burbank. Oh, my God. Just knowing that leave. Look at the mask.

Oh, my God. Why were you on? Did you know what I deal with? Did you review this? I looked it up because look at this stuff. I they had a photo. Love the dog. Oh, this is awesome.

No. I love this. I love all this shit. I grew up in that New York was eccentric with this shit. No, this is awesome. They were doing this when you weren't allowed to be gay in New York. When I was a kid, you couldn't tell people you could be gay in New York. On the ground bars.

And that's where we go. I would go to one in Guttenberg, New Jersey to get Coke. And they would fucking be doing disgusting stuff in there. I was that guy. I know that guy. Sorry. There's whatever. Oh, my God. Who's that? I know him. Let's read the. Who is that?

Let's see. Let's see. I don't check the review. I was immediately contacted by Malin. Wait, let's read some of the reviews. Yeah, just visited for the. Hold on. Just say yes to everything. That's the best.

The staff bartenders. Oh, my God. How is there a young review for gay bars? Ladies and gentlemen, I am learning something. Just say yes to everything. The staff, the bartenders, even the patrons, all great, all smiles, all loving and downright needed is the part of town. I can only hope this on the wall stays.

That's a gay guy's review as it is. My reviews might be generous with the use of adjectives. But I take the bullet over the we hold joint hands down to no hesitation. Come on by and see the valley. Vibes are all about I wanted to go. But as soon as I walk on the side of the place, need. Reek the cigarette smoke. How is that legal?

You're getting fucked in the ass. What do you give a fuck? Keep scrolling. I've been prolonged, you know, hiatus because can you go a little down more? You know, I'm blind the other way. Dive bar. You're going away. Go up more.

The other high. There you go. I've been a prolonged you up. Hiatus because I found this. So this thing's strategy around this mob like even and their user base consists of goons threatening to use the platform. Whatever the fuck are these people being paid to see the menu? Brenda, not your fashion.

No, the outfit not withstanding. I simply adore this place. Making all the mistake about it. This place is a dive. Someone Ralph inside a while back ago. And it's not like throw up for a solid bathroom. Force constantly covered in an inch of putrid but light and preps entered urine. You can live out your brisket fantasies and get caramel crushed both in the

semi covered patio, but the character top knots. This one, one of the dying breed of gay bars. Everyone now wants fancy cocktails and they'll drink by themselves. Tucked away in a corner while thumbing through the hookup action drug drag performance. This place has a runch, runchy old school, skin flicks and locals that actually strike a conversation with you. It has a special night that caters to many whims and subcultures of the LGBT community. Under Bear is a personal favorite to Ugar Hazret men.

It has some of the nicest bartenders that have ever met the gay bar and a decent Sunday beer brand while you may be hard pressed of Sauvignon Bay beverage. You had a cheap bar. This place is legit and there's always parking around the neighborhood. That's the dive bar. Welcome all the chief drinks. Awesome place to just have a drink and chill, who wears some nice special events and there's a color also adult movies play on the screen.

This one, a few gay bars in the valley would probably the best. The staff is beyond friendly and will greet you with a smile and stiff poor. And this neighborhood bar, great events, bad nights with soul music Sundays, drag bend up bingo movie nights, even PJ underwear events. It's a great scene without the we hoe attitude. Went for under bear night for the first time. I will be back under bear night. We got to look this up.

Still the best leave. I let a gay bar in the entire Los Angeles area. Intimate, friendly and full of good times. He's growing. You missed the best part. I want to look for the under bear night. I will be back had so much fun. Hot guys, yummy shots.

Also the tent, the tent. This is fucking crazy, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, but here's the best. I went on a trans night and I've never gotten hit on more in my life. Not at a straight bar. What's a trans night? Trans night is just it's the name of Kate. We're not offending anything.

No, no, no, that was what they called it. Trans night. It was like the performers. There were dancers and they were all transgender dancers. I don't know if they were post-op, pre-op, what, but I just thought it was interesting that I got hit on more than I ever have at a straight bar, a sports bar. And I was like, I wonder if they think I'm trans or if they think I'm a girl. Like I wanted to ask people, but I didn't want to offend anyone.

So I just didn't. But I've never gotten more action. Like I left feeling like a million bucks. I mean, I didn't hook up, but I felt great about it. Can you imagine a guy with a big fucking dick? What would you do if he had tits and he took you home and he had like a 12 inch cock? If I didn't notice the tits before I got there, you mean?

No, no, he's transgender. Depends what he looks like. No, but he's saying I would, I wouldn't if I saw the tits right away, I wouldn't probably go home with her because I would think it was a girl and I only go home with girls when it's like a guy girl scenario. Well, this is it. This is the perfect combination. That's like in and out the burger with the fries.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, but if I went home with a hot guy and then it turned out he was he had little boobs, little ones I didn't notice. I mean, at that point, I'd probably be drunk enough. I'd probably still do it if I was turned on. It depends. But if I go home with a stranger, I'm pretty desperate in the first place. How's it been when you have a boyfriend or is this no boyfriend?

I have a crush. No boyfriend. But I did have my first ever real legit one night stand in Phoenix. Oops, I shouldn't have said where. Give me a copy. I thought that he said when he came in. I said that wasn't a football player. But the only reason I said that is because that I feel like shouldn't

count because that's like an accomplishment. You know what I mean? That'd be like if you hooked up with like a like Victoria's Secret Model, that doesn't count as a one night stand. That's like never going to happen. But I mean, you wouldn't call that a one night stand. You'd call that like a bucket list goal. And I've only hooked up with Lee.

Anyway, you hooked up with whole fucking football. No, I have not. As your fucking phone number. Yeah, phone number, but I don't hook up with that. No, they just have your phone number because they want to talk to you about. Friends. I'm surprised you haven't sucked Antonio Brown's dick. I'm really.

No, they heard him yelling at his wife. No, that could have been Kate right now. You fucking dirty whore. Poppy, I love you when he told the kid, Poppy, I love you. You fucking credit his cops. I'm surprised you haven't dated Antonio Brown. I was so I was actually you should fucking look them down. Get his number.

I'm just trying to do better. You just want a blind date with one of Pauli Shor's friends and you can't do blind date with Antonio Brown. I mean, I'll go for you. I'll go for you. He's a little bit of money left. You can take it all. It's not a blind date because I know what he looks like.

He's a handsome dude. He's got burnt black feet. Joey, he does. He burnt his feet in a fucking frostbite in a fucking cryotherapy when there were no socks on which. Listen, I go in there and I'm scared. I got to wear the fucking high so I couldn't even go to freeze because I couldn't put my chubby fucking hamstring sock.

It's got to be above the hamstring. It's got to be above the Achilles tendon because your Achilles tendon or freeze in the cryotherapy. How he went in there barefoot is beyond me. That is the guy that you're looking for. That is the guy we should have fixed you up with a long time. I'm not going to lie. Get Antonio Brown on the phone.

Let's get him on the Twitter. We have somebody who wants to take it. I'm trying to do better, Joey. He just got off house arrest. Yeah, he's perfect for you. Guys, I'm trying so hard. How sad is it that I asked a guy the other day that I'm just talking to?

I said, I said, I only have one question. Have you ever been to jail for hitting a woman? And he said, no. But then I was thinking how sad it is that that's where my love life is at, that that's my bare minimum for what I need out of a guy. So back to this hookup. How did it go down?

OK, I never hooked up on the road. Don't miss out a fucking detail here because I got to investigate this. OK, I never hook up. You know, I've hooked up on the road, but even when I have, it's always like on the second or third time I meet the guy, like I make these poor guys actually like it's almost like they have to date me to even hook up on the road. They come two nights or three nights.

This was the first ever like. We did the show Sunday night after the show. We were planning fully to drive back to LA. The car was packed. We were like, we gave the condo keys back. We were leaving. And then what happened was there was a guy in the audience in my show who I thought was cute and that never happens.

And we started talking and we had a mutual friend. So then I said to Aiden, my opener, I said, listen, I kind of want to talk to this guy a little longer. Can we just do one drink down the street? Half an hour at the Blue Martini and we'll bounce. And he's like, OK, we go into the Blue Martini. It was a private party for some kind of like R&B hip hop group. And it was just packed with like hot, young black dudes.

And, you know, it's not like I only like black, you know, I kind of like black dudes. So when I walked in and saw you there with a guy already. Well, yeah, I wasn't there with a guy. It was a group. He had his whole group of friends. But when we came in, I talked to him for a little while. The guy came in with and then I started to get distracted

by other people and then Aiden's like, hey, Kate, we should probably get up and get going. And I said, Aiden, I think I'm going to fuck somebody here. I never do that. I've never done it. And he was like, do you feel like you really need it? And I was like, I kind of do. It's been like a month.

I'm really horny. Which means two hours. No, Joey. It had been like a month. The last guy was. Last night I called Legally. How much money we got? Tell me the truth.

I'm thinking of opening up a restaurant with you and Steve Simone. Whatever number you told me, I told them it's 10,000 more. Come on. Because I know you, mother. I don't lie about this stuff. It's not that you lie. It's that, you know, you never want to show me your full hand. No, I don't. I show you. I tell you, you know that.

I tell you everything. I really hadn't. The last guy was the guy that I put. How does a one night stand to happen? I mean, that's what's crazy. It's been so fucking weird now with me, too. And and how you have to be careful with people. You know, we say these stories on the road, not to interrupt you or anything like that.

That's okay. We had this situation a couple of weeks ago that I thought of a guest on the podcast, a former guest of ours on the podcast, not a bad guy, musician, gets accused of dating a 16 and a 17 year old girl. I read the article. And the first thing I remember was you really, really want me to tell you? I remember thinking about Paris Hilton on David Letterman. She doesn't interview on David Letterman when she was hot, when she was getting into trouble.

This had happened years ago. And he goes, so when did you start being a party diva? And she was I was basically 14. I'm sure she was. She goes, what would you do when she goes, I would sneak out of my window at night and go to all the top clubs in the city? You know, let me ask you a question, Kate. Let's be honest amongst us as human beings.

I mean, not me because it never happened to me. One time it happened to me. But when you're 15, Kate, do you go out to fuck a 15 year old guy when you went out? You went out. I was on a mission. Every guy had to be like four years old. Yeah, you're a freshman. You go for the seniors.

And after that, it's kind of weird, you know? So I'm thinking of these allegations that he dated it through high school. I'm thinking about Don Johnson marrying Melanie Griffin when she was 17. I'm thinking about the 70s when it was rumored that if right now in the 70s, you could actually charge Jimmy Page with statutory rape because he dated a 14 year old that he took with him on the road. That's a little young. When he was on the States, you know, if a girl, you know,

but if she looks 18, maybe I have a daughter. So I get it. I get the whole thing. But this is something that, you know, right now we have it. We're going through some tough times now. You got to watch which, you know, listen, we're entertainers. If you want me to fucking sit here as a comedian and tell you that in 28 years, especially on those fucking triple runs, let me tell you something.

Those triple runs are pure. It's a three week sex run. Yeah, there's no way that someone didn't lie to you about their age. I'm telling you right now, I am not a good looking guy. And I'm telling you, I'm not even talking about dating a younger woman. I'm talking about as comedians here. When you go on a triple run, I will send you on a triple run that you will come back and go fucking Billings, Montana.

I've seen it. I've seen it because when I would go on the road with Jack and even, even like the local host, not to be a dick to say like the host, but I mean, like, if you're on stage at a comedy club after the show, the audience girls that are there that are single and buzzed will flirt with you. It doesn't matter what you look like. Oh, my God. It doesn't matter what you did.

I have stories that upon stories. Oh, I've seen it. It's crazy. And you sit there and go, how did this even happen? I'm not even a good looking guy. What would have happened if I look like George Michael? I would have fucking everybody. Anybody.

All you had to do in those days, Lee, was do the triple gig, kill, kill, which you don't even really have to kill. And you go to the bar and after it would be ladies night that the show has to end the 10th. Totally. You're in Billings, Montana. Oh, there's nothing. The bar closes at two. There's only two bars in the town.

It's ladies night. There's 90 women there and there's a certain type of woman that has a fetish that she will take you home, lead, light your asshole on fire, suck your dick, let it come on a faith. And the next day she goes to work and you leave. She'll give you a number. You call it a bum number. What that means is she has a fetish that she just likes to fuck and move on.

I don't even know if it's like even a fetish as much as because this time when I did it, I can tell you the secret to how the guy got laid because like people can use this, which I can't believe it worked on me in hindsight. I must have been drunk as shit. We're at the club and there's a guy that's trying to talk to me the whole night who's totally cock-blocking me. And by the way, Aiden, my gay bestie kind of fucked me because when he left to go back to the condo, he handed the keys to this guy and he said,

can you make sure she gets back safe? So I was so cock-blocked, right? So this guy won't leave me alone. And there's this guy I see over his shoulder that's checking me out and he's hot. And so I keep kind of smiling at him, hoping I'll come over. So he waits for the dude that's watching me to go to the bathroom. He comes up. He's like, is that your guy?

I'm like, no, he's totally cock-blocking me. Like I kind of want to get out of here. Like this sucks. And he's like, let me get your number. He's like, I'm here with some buddies. We're going to leave soon. I'll text you. He walks off.

Then my dude that's watching me comes back and the bar starts closing down. So he's like, OK, it's time to go. So I didn't know what to do because I wanted to go home with the other guy or at least go do after-party something. So I made up a story. Oh, God, he's going to listen to this or whatever. I made up a story that my friend was going to come pick me up. And we were going to go out to some after-party.

So I was like, you can just give me the condo keys and take off. And so he did. And then I looked for the other guy and he was talking to another chick. And the chick and him were all like about to leave together. So then I was like, fuck, if they leave that, what am I going to do? I'm like, I got to get him. It became an instant competition. He was brilliant because what happened is then I kind of walked up.

I was like, hey, I just wanted to say goodbye. And he was in a group. It wasn't just him and a chick. But he turned around. He's like, oh, you're leaving. I'm like, yeah, he's like, oh, I'll go with you. I only walked up to him because he was with a chick. If I hadn't seen him or if he'd been like just with boys, I probably wouldn't

have, but he was with another chick and made me like, oh, shit, I kind of. She's hot. Maybe he's hot. Maybe I should bang this guy. So I get him. We leave. We take a Uber and here's what's funny. I was trying to go to after parties. I was nervous to go home with a stranger, but the Uber ride around,

he was so like nice and funny. Like first of all, he wanted food more than he wanted sex. He was like, I really want to get like Carl's Jr. Like he just wanted food so bad. I'm like, this guy's safe. Like no, any guy that wants a burger more than he wants to fuck a stranger is like not that desperate to get laid. Not going to rape you, right?

So we go, he buys me food. Then we go to his place and he was just he was really respectful. He's kind of distant. He asked me a lot of questions. He stayed on kind of farther away from me until he kind of like until I felt safe. And then he was like, you know, I don't expect anything. You can go anytime if you don't want to stay the night. Like don't feel pressure, whatever.

That's the move. That's the move. That's the word. I told my girlfriend yesterday, I go, there was this guy I went home with once. And I literally was in bed with him making out. And I said, look, this is only like the second time we've hung out. I just I don't think I want to sleep with you yet. I kind of like you. And he goes, hey, I want you to do whatever makes you want to stick around for a long time.

If that means we wait, we wait. He's like, I just think you're amazing. So whatever whatever makes you want to stay. And I fucked him. Some guys are slicker than slick. It's when you got it. I never fucked him again. You know, the whole sex game is such a psychological fucking game.

At the end of the day, it really is like that whole. I'm happy I'm out of it. It's embarrassing. Isn't that a one by the way? Which one? The one you just mentioned. No, but no, that one's not because that's a person that I'm actually like still friends with. It doesn't matter.

Well, we we made out a few times after that, but we never had sex again. Well, because you don't really do the apps that much, right? Because that's like I've had probably more one night stands than relationships, I would guess. Well, guys get more one night stands off those apps. I think I don't know. I mean, I could never hit up a dude on an app and I got to have the chemistry. That's what I got to talk to you for a little.

But even the girls on the app, they always say they want a relationship. I go expecting a relationship, like expecting it to be a date, at least. And then like you hook up like the first or the second time and then you never hear from them. My thing is that's weird is even with the NFL guy, by the way, there's only one even with the NFL guy. Like I when I meet these guys, I make them talk to me for like two hours. I got to feel like I know him a little before I can fuck.

Hold on. Let's go back to the one night stand. So now he says, buh-bye, you can leave. What do you do? You take your shirt off, take your panties off. He's cute. I kind of liked him. But here's the other thing. I started to like him. He has kids. He's divorced. He's a sweet guy. But I like there were things about him I liked. He's not in the business. He works in like corporate America.

And so then I started thinking maybe I could date this guy. Like Phoenix isn't that far. So then I was like, I'll just stay the night and he's real hot. And then I'm like, and if we don't date, you know, who cares? I'll just, he seems safe. So what was the next move? So then we started making out and then, you know, I was one that was like, you want to go upstairs?

We were making out for so long. Like, see, are we going to take me upstairs? I had to do everything. That was the one thing. I like guys to make the move. And there's been a lot of guys that I've gone out many times with. And they never made the move because they were chicken shit. And it never happened.

And I would have probably fucked them. But in this case, I was just really horny. I don't know. I'm getting to that age. I'm horny. It's like, and I'm not saying this. Like people always talk shit. Like Kate just talks about sex. I'm just saying because my age, it's. How old are you?

Don't make me tell that. Thirty seven. I don't want to tell. I'm not telling. Thirty seven. I'm not telling. Yes, it's, it's, it's, uh, I spilled some so upset. I'm an old man now, but I've been through, you know, we,

I've lived all those years. And I'll never forget sleeping with women my age for a while. Like, you know, until I was 21. No, I'm lying to you guys till I was 19. And then when I was 19, I went to Versailles, Colorado. I've been there. And two girls moved that next to us. And they couldn't be honest.

They were sisters. One was 29 and the other one was 26. They were Italian girls. I'm no walking. And I could look you straight in the face, Kate, and tell you that I was like at 19. I'm like, I'm not fucking my neighbors. And there was fly.

Just, I just knew that it was, it was only four houses on that block. We were connected. Not because of their age, because you just didn't want to fuck your neighbors. They were both beautiful. They were both beautiful. I mean, just looking at them, they were both beautiful.

Honestly, I think it's probably the best. They came over and knocked on the door and said, Hi, we're Mimi and Lily. We moved the next door. We're four guys that are fucking killers. Okay, from Northburg in New Jersey, one guy could fuck anything. And I'll never forget that these girls used to come over. Every night at six, smoke power.

They would make a potato salad or whatever they did. They would make like a potato salad. I swear to God, I don't know how they did it. You're so Jersey. This was the crazy, this is not Jersey. This is the salt. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

And then another woman would come home with my friend. She was married, happily married, and she would come over to our house every night. Every night at six o'clock, we would have four or five women watching TV with us, and nobody would hit on these women. It was like we had become a family. That's cool.

It was the weirdest thing. I have that with people. But the 29-year-old, I would look at her and she would say things to me. Like? You need to get a girlfriend. Like, she would just say little things. Because otherwise she would... No, no, no, no, no.

It was the weirdest thing. Like, I'd never hit on her. That's weird. I never looked at her like that. In fact, if anything, I liked her younger sister. A younger sister, I saw her sunbathing one day, and she had the hairiest pussy I had ever seen. You love that.

It was coming through... You want, like, an afro going out of it. It was coming through the shorts. At that time, I was 19. I was very easily impressed. I was very easily impressed. How much hair would you, like, love down there? Like, you want, like, tons.

Like, she had, like, a couple of pubes sticking out of the bikini-type hair. Like, she was Italian. I knew what it would smell like. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say ooh. You know, I mean, she was a beautiful girl. And this is just what happens. This is what happens in life.

I control myself. We were neighbors for months. What choice do you have? And then one day, I started talking to the older sister. At night, she was a liquor chick. She worked... She was a wine expert. She was 29.

She was 29. Her and I had nothing to talk about in common. But I think I hit the bag outside and she would pull up at a quarter to 10. And then she would bring me like an apple and stuff like that. And we would talk and she would smoke a cigar and talk to me. And she would say, I wish I could date a guy. Well, and we became friends and that went on for two months. And then we all went to Glenwood Springs and I saw her in a bikini.

And I was like, if I thought the younger sister was hot, what do we got here? Nice. And I was like, you know what? I got to be cool. But she also cut hair. That was her thing. She cut hair. So I needed a haircut.

So she had cut my hair. And one day we're having a conversation. I see her and I go, you're up today? She goes, yeah, go, if I give you 10 bucks, give me a haircut. She's like, absolutely come over. Her sister was upstairs. Tia, Leah, something's coming back to me now. This hot woman is cutting my hair with this brunette haircut.

Her boobs are like pushing on in the back of her head. She had great boobs. She had great boobs. I would keep my hands to my side. I was embarrassed. I was kind of nervous. And she asked me, what is the point with you? Why don't you at least go out and try to get a girlfriend?

I go, what is it with you and me getting a fucking girlfriend? Yeah, what is it? She goes, you're a young guy and you're fun to be around. You should have 20 girlfriends. And she's just flirting. And I go, no, I go. Okay, would you go on a date with me? And she goes, in a fucking heartbeat.

Damn. And I go, you're full of shit. Cougar. She goes, try me. She goes, try me. You were 19? I was 19. You couldn't even drink it legally.

And she fucking, she had on like a, like a shorts or something. She goes, try me. And I go, what do you mean? And she grabbed my hand and put it on like a pussy. And she goes, so what are you gonna take me on a date? And I was like, tonight. You know what? And I took it to like a bar.

I took it to a bar, like a country western bar in Carbondale. Like a gentleman. And I was real legit. And I'm like, she let me touch her pussy. I don't know what my next step is. Like I did not know what my next step was as a man. I had never been involved in this situation before. Wait.

I was always the aggressor. Oh, I see. That's when I realized I'm the aggressor. That's a fun position for a woman. Occasionally. That's why women love Halloween. While we were eating, while we were drinking, she said to me, we're going to have, we started snorting.

And she goes, by the way, I stopped at the pharmacy and I got a sponge. And I go, a sponge. Why would somebody tell me? I didn't even know what it is. I didn't know what a sponge was, right? It's 1983. I'm a dumb fuck. I'm telling you who uses those also.

I'm a dumb fuck. Yeah. She goes, I got a sponge. So we'll be safe tonight. I sat there just staring at my drink like a little girl, bro. Were you nervous, intimidated because of age? I don't think I want to come home. Like I'm trying to get, I was like you last week,

trying to get out of it. I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of it. I wasn't trying to get, oh, I was trying to get out of it. I was trying to get out of this shit. I was trying to get out of this shit. I wasn't trying to get away from the other dude. And also, we had to come more beers. We had to come more fucking bumps.

And she goes, you ready to go? And I was like, I guess. I love it. She's given a 19-year-old. Who had the blow? You were her. She did. We copped.

Hilarious. We put like a grab. I mean, that's. 19 hours legal as fuck. You were. I was legal as fuck. She had that. She could do whatever the fuck she wanted.

I loved it. Like, hello isn't legal for either of us. She could have fucked me in the ass with a bill, though. I would have been given a fuck. Oh my God. Yes, you would. She took me home. She goes, let's go upstairs.

We went up. Her sister was there. It was like nothing. It was like nothing happened. Like we went upstairs. We went into the kitchen area. We spoke with her sister. And she goes, we had bedtime.

You ready? And I'm like, I guess. And she took me upstairs. And we went all night on the blow. And then we became like an item. Shut up. Dog. It was like.

You like J.Lo and our little boy friends. She was like, I'll see you. I'll see you tonight. That's. We stayed up the whole night till eight in the morning. I had never done that with a woman before in my whole life. Aw. I was blown away.

She was like your Mrs. Robinson. We fucked. We talked. We fucked. We talked. We fucked. We talked. That's fun.

And then she made breakfast. I went through doors down. She went to work. And then every night I would go over there. Ten, fuck her. We eat. And then I moved. Oh, to where?

And I was like, thank God. I moved to Snowmass Village, which was eight or nine miles up to Valley down the way to Aspen. And I thought that. And I didn't tell nobody. Like my roommates. I grew up with those motherfuckers. Why didn't you tell anybody?

Because in those days, I said nothing. I was raised. I don't know nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially if you're getting such a piece of pussy. Yeah. You keep your mouth shut where I come from. But if some fucking God is giving you pussy,

then you tell your friends. But when she was prime pussy. Really? She was making me do things. When I get that, I'm like, my good friends? I'm like, you're saying to me, you're like, I believe. I'm saying nothing to nobody. And then me and it was four of us.

So two of us moved in together. He was my goomba. I loved Jimmy Berkel. God rest his soul. I wouldn't be if it wasn't for him today. He's the one that talked me into leaving. But it was funny. She worked nights.

So she would say, I'll come over at one and we'll hang till 3 30. I'll take a shower. And then from there, I'll go to your house. I'll go to work. She would work at a place called The Grog Shop. See if it's still there in Aspen. The Grog Shop? The Grog Shop was a wine store.

Oh. That was like fucking. That's not from earlier, actually. Listen, if you went in there, you dropped 100. Whether you wanted to not, in 1983, you dropped 100. It was all the way at the end in the corner. And what street was on Galena? I think it's still there.

It says Durant. Let me check. Durant. Yeah. Dog. I know that name, but like I used to eat it. I love it. So sometimes she'd give me a car.

Durant in spring. Can you give us a GPS coordinates? It was just, it was fucking, Kate, it was weird, Kate. I mean. Like now I see older guys with girls. So then it got to the point where she would, I didn't see her like for like three days. I moved to Snowmass and the first day she called me, she goes, I'm coming up. I didn't even have a phone.

Like I had to go to the supermarket and call her. Hilarious. And she called and she goes, I'll be up. Let's have a picnic. She's like, why is the Piggly Wiggly coming up on callers? Snowmass Village is beautiful. It is beautiful. Let's have a picnic.

And I'm like, picnic. I'm from Jersey. I've never had a picnic in my life. A picnic's just code for fucking outside. She brought apples and breed cheese. At that time in my life, I knew two types of cheeses. Three, I knew fucking American, Swiss, and fucking Who is this?

She's just like a princess. What's that? I swear to God. She brought that up like an airplane. She brought crackers. She brought glasses. She brought wine. And at that age, I didn't even understand that.

I had to make believe and like, but I enjoyed being outside. No, I want to do this. Fuck. And I never said that. You never did it in the park on a picnic. This was wide open. This is Snowmass Village 1983. This was, if this was Aspen, I could have fucked around the street.

Nobody would have cared. There's other people around. Me too. No, Aspen's just a sex pool. No, I mean where you were with her. There was other people. Yeah, where I was, it's families. We were outside.

We just, there was a little lake. Not with families. There was a little lake and it had a little bridge. And I would eat mushrooms and sit there by myself sometimes and try the time. And I'll never forget that. We went back to my apartment and we were doing it in the shower and my roommate came home. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing taking this? She went to take a piss.

You know, and all of a sudden I'm like, what's going on? And I opened my shoulder and he's like, oh my God. And he ran out. I came out. We got dressed. He asked me later. He goes, how long has this been going on? And they go, this is going on since April.

And he goes, you never fucking told me. Oh, there's none at all. I got like a crush on her. She got a crush on me. You're like hanging out. I don't even know what we're doing. And we dated straight till 48 hours. How did it end?

You just moved? That was it? No, no, it ended. She was a white shake dog. And on the weekends, the first two months it was about fucking and us being together and doing blow, then she wanted to start to introduce me to her friends. She liked you liked you? I did not like that.

How come? Because her friends were 30 fucking years old. Because of her age? I was there with 30 years old. That's a problem. I was, what was I? I think at that time I was, let's say I was a hard carrier. I made $10 an hour, 400 hours a week, a hard carrier.

I made cement and built brick walls. I fucking was a hard carrier. I fucking had made 400 a week and my rent was whatever. Why? How could I go in front of 30 year old women who are successful? Well, some guys would take advantage of that and let the woman take care of them. You're a man. No.

You're a real man. She was like a manager up there. She had like a vovo, a family had money. But she would have probably taken all care. I've dated guys that I could tell eventually were kind of using me. I mean, not even younger guys. But you know what's interesting about the whole thing is that I always dated older guys. Always.

I was never. That's what I'm saying. Like that's why I don't, I didn't like that sin interview because I listen. I believe what happened. I'm not doubting anything. But it's so weird when a girl goes to a rock club at the age of 15. What do you expect? You think it's going to happen at the age of 15?

I got to think about all these things because I got a daughter that's seven and 15 is right around the fucking corner. Times are so different. She already asked me the other day if that a girlfriend goes to a sleepaway camp. If she go to a sleepaway camp. I go, are you ready to fucking sleep away from us? And she goes, I don't know. I try and I go, I'll tell you what.

She never done it. I'll take her home for a night. I won't let her do anything. Joey, I won't let her do anything at my house. I offered him this game table. Listen to me. He's like, is there a pussy juice on it? Can I ask mercy?

I'm like, do you think I would fuck on it and give it to your kid? If I put my kid at your house within a week, she come back. You see this rash on Lee's head. She would not. I've never had an STD in my life. So you have this, an STD living somewhere. I've never had an STD. You know my list is not that long.

I have it. How many lists of sperm shots are on that map? Do you know I sat down with my friend? No, I almost never have guys at my place. One, only if I'm dating, dating them. Only if we're dating, I let them come to my house. I don't want guys to have my address. I always go to their place so I can leave.

I know about five guys you told me you fucked in your house. That's five. Uh-uh. Who? Okay, you can't say who. No, you don't. That's five loads on your mattress. No, you don't.

No, you don't. On your back, on your sheets. The guys you probably have. When you fucking do laundry, the fuck. Let me explain some to you. If you send your laundry to DNA 23 and me. You're wrong. You know what they would come back with?

And you sent just one of your sheets. Half the NFL. One of your fucking sheets. No. If you sent one of your sheets to 23 and me, the computer would blow up. They couldn't even decide what nationalities they were. See, you know the problem with my love life?

You say this shit and people believe you. It's because it's true. And I know it's not. You know it's not. You don't fuck them on the street. You know it's not true. You don't fuck them in their house. You know it's not true.

You die, I know for a guy. Joey. Let's go over the who's gone to you house. Let's not say their names, but the one comic I dated. Right, my friend from New York. The one you didn't like. But I love him to death. Your friend from New York.

Yeah, yeah, the guy I think is crazy. He plays cards. I'm not sure. The one that you fucking physically attracted. Oh yeah, that guy, of course. But we dated, dated, dated. And we still, you know, with that's been my longest odd enough thing in my life.

You fucking, you fucking terrorize his home when the man was sleeping. He has done, he put his gun out in front of me and shot a hole in the wall. Well, wouldn't you if I dated you? No. I'm amazing. See you in the fucking light.

I'm loyal. I'm fun. I'm nice. I'm smart. I'm cute. I don't cheat. Who else has been at your house? The comic you were ashamed of me for dating.

Okay, who else? And recently, I mean. The MMA fighter, the young one. Uh-uh. Yeah. The one I just told you about? No. The young, young, young, young, young one

that you robbed a crib with. Robbed a crib with. Don't make me say his name. Don't say his name, but I don't know who you're talking about. I don't think I hooked up with another MMA fighter. Yes, you did at your house. He came on your stomach. So let's just pretend.

Who, no. Let's just pretend six or seven guys. I've never fucked an MMA fighter. Let's say that sperm dripped on your cheek. Oh, wait. I did fuck one, but are you talking about the one? Shh. Don't worry about it.

I don't know who you mean. No names. No names. I'm not saying nothing bad about it. Young. How young? But you got a lot of stuff you're talking about. There's a lot of fucked up sperm on your mattress.

There is not, Joey. And it's like little washrooms. I'm going to kill you. If you separate your two mattresses, smell under them. The wizard. The wizard. That's it. That's bad enough.

That's it. It's like four guys. And he's got, like he's got to have some disease, a VD. He doesn't. I got tested after him. But he's got some of the sperm. He's crazy. From drugs and shit.

So just all that stuff left around your house. From time to time, people may or may not bring powder over there. Joey. There's condom dust. There's nothing in my house like that. They just had a report. Do you know how long he's been said I fucked up my own house? They just filed a report.

I'm going to kill you. That condom is when you pull them apart, release this particle into the air. That could cause some type of carcinogens to your lungs. Of course. They will argue whether or not women. Condoms are bad for you. They could take with a condom.

You shouldn't use condoms. When you bang a young sucker that's raw, or you suck it with a condom. Are you kidding? Who sucks a dick with a condom? Okay. Thank God. Are you insane?

I don't, I only use condoms when it's, someone I know fucks a lot of people. Because this is the way I think of it. And probably I'm going to get complete. I hope I don't get like canceled for this, but whatever. Which I can't see. I mean, I don't, I don't know. What is that to cancel?

You buy the pool? Who cares the fuck? I have to be by the pool. It's canceled. The show. Joey, that's mean. I have stuff happening. What are you going to cancel?

No, it'll work with me. You buy the pool with Paulie's shoe. Listen. Who cares? Joey, that is mean. No, it's the truth. I'm in the same position. What are they going to cancel on me?

This? What are they going to do? Evict me? What are they going to do? What are they going to take? That's a good point. What are they going to do? That's a good point.

There's nothing to take. You stand up no more? You're right. We got nothing to lose. It's going to be uncancellable. That's why the party is. This is my theory on condoms. That's why this party is so good

because you can't fuck with us no more. I actually said to someone, I go, Joey is like unmeetable because everything he says is so offensive that like you're like, what's serious? What's not who the fuck knows? Like it's all like,

you're the only guy who could pull your balls out in front of me after I told you not to. And somehow I thought it was awesome and funny instead of non-consent. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Everybody, we are comedians.

Okay, that's number one. We are comedians. I was just thinking about the time. Where are we going with that? There's a point. I was just thinking about the time. You can't babysit Mercy. No.

You can't babysit Mercy. There's a point. If Mercy goes in your house, she's got to walk in there like one of those Chinese chicks. Condoms. Shut up, Joey. That's not true.

She can't breathe in there. She's going to love my gifts. Let me explain some to you. First off, there's got to be a bunch of ghosts in your house. Because those little sprung loads become ghosts. Like at night, do you hear a little whoo? I have not had that many dudes in my house. It doesn't matter.

They can't. You know why? Because it's a shithole. I don't bring millionaires to my house. And I'm most, most of the guys, they did have money, so I'm embarrassed to bring them to my apartment. So I never let them see it.

That's what guys like to see you in your most miserable way. I'm not miserable. You're not. You're like animals. My place is cute. When Lee used to date his girlfriend, they used to tell her, what are you treating like this?

She lives under a bridge. What are you taking her out to see? My place is cute. It's just, it's just in a bad neighborhood. Okay. You have animals like rats? No. There's a raccoon that hangs out.

Going into your house, I got to go into like a Chinese. I'll bring you in. No, Joey, it's really cute actually. My place is so cute. You ask, you know who's in my apartment? You know who actually, you know who looked at the apartment with me?

Bobby Lee went and looked at it with me before I run. He's like, this place is really cute. But then the neighborhood was downhill. Yeah, but I never fucked him there. Anyway, listen, condoms. No disrespect. I just got to be honest with you. It's like we're in an apartment.

Like people would fuck. That's not true at all. This is the problem is people believe you. And now probably like nice guys that I've talked to will listen to this shit and think it's real. And then they won't date me. Rogan told somebody I have a ho phone. I'm going to kill you guys.

What is a ho phone? A second phone for hoes. I don't have that. I just have two phones. You have, you don't even have a ho phone. You weren't like Batman. They just flash the fucking light into the sky with a dick. A big black dick goes in the sky.

And then you all of a sudden get illuminated. Like there's a big black dick. They call it a ho phone. No, I shine the dick for them to come over. Yeah, they come over. Yeah. That's really funny. I can't use that.

It's hilarious. You can use it. It's yours. Here's the thing. I don't care. Let's talk about this condom thing. Because I'm passionate about this. What happened with condoms?

I think condoms. Here's my argument for condoms. Every STD is curable except for herpes. Well, you have something to say? Yes, that's my nightmare to get herpes. Please don't get them started. He needs herpes. So his whole life will change.

No, he doesn't. I know tons of people have herpes. You can't just catch it without seeing the outbreak. My point was going to be that the only things that are not curable are HIV and herpes. Although HIV is very manageable these days. I don't have it. But very hard to catch HIV, especially as a straight woman.

And herpes, if there's no outbreak, you can't catch. So basically, I'm like, why use condoms? Pregnancy? But I know I'm not going to have the kid. So then why use a condom? The condoms will protect the guy, not me. So this last weekend, you had unprotected sex in Phoenix. Technically.

Girls junior, okay. You have no, you don't wear protection like I could come alone and you know, I want you coming me. You know, nobody is coming. No, pull out. If you want to come to me, you got to put a condom. Nobody pulls out. Everybody pulls out.

The problem is you're wrong. Everybody pulls out. It ejaculates. Pre-adjac. Two times before you even. Yeah, but I got like four more eggs. Okay. I'm just trying to help you out here.

No, and all seriousness. The guy in Phoenix was probably a mistake to not. I do use condoms with guys I don't know normally. I mean, I don't mean don't know. I mean, if I don't know their situation, like who else are fucking if I don't know. But the thing is, this guy told me, you know. He loved you.

No, but he told me like, you know, I'm a family guy. My kids are here all the time, not bringing girls like he, and I believed him because his place did not have any sign of women. But then later. Did he eat your monkey? Oh, it was great. Okay.

Oh, the night was great. It was absolutely great. He was a total gentleman. He was a gentleman through and through, which is why it was like even to the end, like when I left in the morning, he walked me out. Most guys just stay in bed. Did he come in your mouth?

No. He didn't? No, he didn't have time. So why not? Because he pulled out, you know, quick. Well, not quick. The sex wasn't quick. He actually fucked me so long I was starting to get offended.

Why? Because I was like, why did he come by now? This is crazy. Usually they come and then they can go a lot longer again. Like the second time, like you said, and this guy fucked me so long the first time. It kind of made me like. Was he hammered?

Man, maybe a little bit. I guess that could be it. That's what I love about you. I love your honesty. A lot of women wouldn't. Oh, I was worried. I knew her for, I had, like I told you guys, I had a friend that that was her freak and I didn't find out until years later.

For years, her claim to fame was, I don't have a boyfriend. Guys don't hit on me. It came to the conclusion that for years, she was having two-some's out of the road. Two-some's? Bartender and the bus boy come back. That's a three-some. Whatever the fuck. Two-some, two-some, that's me and you.

Years later, stories came out that were just amazing. I don't do it ever. This was the only time I ever hooked up on the road. And I would see her and she would purposely tell me. And one day, a bar, a club owner said, yeah, she was here a couple of weeks ago. She did great, but I was a little suspect about her Friday night. I go, what happened?

He goes, she left with some weird guys and the staff told me some weird stuff happened. I go, what happened? And they're like, wow, it wasn't too good. I don't want to repeat it. And I was like, and then I heard it again. Then I heard it from a club owner in Vegas. I don't ever hook up with anyone who knows anyone ever in a town that could leave a trail.

Like, I don't want any story behind me ever. So if it does happen, which has only happened, it happened there. Happened with the guy in Vegas and the hot tub. But that guy wasn't, you know, that we hung out three times. But like they aren't in any way associated with comedy, the club. I don't want a story. Are you ready to settle down? Well, what does that mean, kids?

One guy. Always, if I like them. I'm gonna miss enough with this. I mean, I'm sure now the guy I like is gonna listen to this. You gotta give your pussy a break once in a while. I don't fuck Joey. Because I'll tell you what happened. Let me tell you what I realized.

I don't. The last time I had sex was with the guy that you say I attacked, which I didn't. And that was months ago. I dated a girl for a long time. When I first started dating that a pussy had a weird ring to it. Because mine doesn't. It tastes like Skittles. And then.

And then after about two years, a pussy changed completely. Three. It got better. The pussy gets better once it's not getting abused. And that's mine has never been abused. You are going to ruin my love life. Who's abused? I didn't say none about it.

No, but you said I have to give it a break, but it always has breaks. I barely fuck it all. Because when you're home alone, you fucking beat it up. Oh, you mean masturbating, even? You got to give it a little breather. Oh, I've never done that. You got dildos. You hit it with a hammer.

What? How long? I don't know. No masturbating? No, you told me you had a little clit with a hammer. I never said I had a little quit. I thought you said one time in a tweet that why is it so hard for guys to find your clit? And I said.

Not mine. You have a little skinny monkey and stuff to go deep in and find that little skinny clam. He's wrong. I was actually wearing overalls in Orlando and I put on a little weight and I had a really bad camel toe and a guy came up to me and said, Joey's wrong. You don't need to lose any weight in your pussy. It took me in the audience.

Wait, you gained a little bit of weight and it went down there? No, but like the it made the pants tighter. You'd see. So he could see camel toe. So then he said that. Is that your lips just got fed though? This is why I say like this guy things are going actually kind of good with this dude. I like and now he's going to listen to this fucking podcast and believe all listen.

He's not going to listen. Of course he's going to listen. No, he's not. Well, he's not now. So I'm going to make sure he doesn't. Don't say that. Don't know. Definitely listen.

Nobody's going to listen to this thing. No guy going to do anything. These people don't know going in. Know what? That you're a fucking animal. The room. I'm an animal. Here's the deal.

I'm an animal and I'm a freak and I like fun, adventurous sex, but I'm not permissuous. There's a difference. I know I always tell stories on here, but that's because we want good stories. But that's my only story from like the last six months. I even told this three and tell me about. There's always three. The last three guys I had sex with.

Let me think. There's always a by the way with you. No, but it's the same over and over. I don't mind. It's the same over and over. I love you to death. Before that guy. It was the hot tub guy.

Every time I come here, it's like I fucked one more dude. Yeah. Never anyone before that. The black dude in Vegas or you puked. That's the hot tub guy. Oh, that's way long ago. Please two years ago. Well, what the fuck we're talking about here.

That's so long ago. That's too strange. And he was a supermodel that doesn't count. I don't count that. That is an achievement. You know, someday when I'm like 60, now it sounds hoarse. But if I'm 60 and I'm like, I fucked this quarterback, this supermodel. This isn't really embarrassing or is it like, wow, good.

It's a short list, but it's a list. It's not long. I'm just wrangling. I'm sitting on it. It's speaking up. Oh Lord, I shouldn't have come here. No, I need this. It's been a, it was a, it's been a solemn week here in that life, you know,

and it's going to be even rougher towards the end of the week. There was no time for preaching or talking about your life or reevaluating this kind of stuff. You know, it just makes you realize that you got to tell people you love them. You got to look at people when they leave and ask them where they're going. And so if they do something, God forbid this, these are the ones you hate. You know, when you look at your mother right now, Kate, you said your mother's going through something.

Well, my mom is lupus. She's just getting to the later stages. If she gets to be 90, by the time she gets to be 90, you know, you're waiting for the call. The same thing with you. I'm more than that. I don't wish, I don't wish to me. Disrespect anybody at this table or even listening. But when people go sudden, yeah, of course, it does something to you.

It's so hard. It's it. Well, it's weird because I was actually thinking about that. I was like, it was fascinating to me because I've met him a few times and it was like interesting to me how much I because I never particularly I'm not saying anything bad about him, but I never particularly was like, he's the greatest guy ever. He was fine. But I still was really broken up when I saw it.

It's still felt. It's interesting how it can affect you when it's such a shock. I woke up in bed and saw his face and was like, what? No, I landed at 9 30. The lady said, get ready to land. I thought we stood an hour. I was watching something. I was watching hustler Jennifer Lopez on the plane.

Of course you were. And I not to a fan of her. I just wanted to see if she deserves. You are a fan of her. You sing along to her songs in the car. You sang along to Jay Lowe. What song? If you have my love and I can't.

Is that her? Well, you sang along to some Jay Lowe. I worked on the road as a teacher. No, you sang along. No, I did not. I have it on tape. I listened. We were.

I worked with a guy. I was a feature act one time in a condo. You know, when you're a feature act and you get put with a headline, that's just crazy. Like you. This guy was like 40 years old. He was married with kids. But the first thing he did when we got to the condo was he put it there. That album was hot.

Which album? That Jay Lowe album. The one I just sang? Yeah. So I didn't even know if that was her. He put the poster up of her in his room. She's hot as shit. All week long, he listened to that album.

Over and over and over and over. And all he would talk about is how talented she was. She is. She drove me fucking nuts. But anyway, it doesn't really matter about the movie. I just put it on because I'll never watch that movie at home. So when the girl opened up, when the stewardess said we'll land there in 30 minutes, the girl opened up the visor.

And I said to myself, fuck, it's fucking foggy in LA. Oh yeah, it was. 20 minutes later, we landed. Me and Steve Simone crossed the street. We got in the car and we drove home. It was actually so foggy that night. That night I went out with Pauly. I was driving toward downtown and the sensor on the car that senses a forward collision,

it kept on saying the sensor can't work because of the fog. I mean, it was so bad. I didn't know all this. So I go home and I put my luggage down. I put Twitter and it says Kobe died. And I'm like, ha ha, you know, because there's always something. I didn't think it was really there. And I called my friend who works for the Lakers when I went to Google,

because I went to Yahoo when it wasn't on the Yahoo page at all. But there was little mentioned on Twitter. I called my friend in his first words where he goes, I'm going to find out who wrote this rumor. I'm going to fucking take a pipe and go beat them. Yeah, I know and believed it. And I go, get back to me. Let me know what you hear.

And that's when he called me. And this is, listen to me, this is weird. I had to go to CVS. I had to go to Walgreens. And I went to Walgreens. And when I walked into Walgreens, the two women behind the counter would cry. And all of a sudden tears rushed to my fucking eyes. I know me too.

Weird. It was like every death I suffered got hit me. Like this one was, this one was like. Because it's so sudden. It's so sudden. It's so unexpected that you're just like, wow, that could be me. And this is the reaction. This is, you go back to being the junkie fat fuck that I was.

As I went on the line, there was a sale for Oreo double thick with two, two for five dollars. Oh my God. I can't say no to that. Two for five, you got to. And I was ready to pick up the two things. I go, this is part of my disease. This is who I am. When things get bad, it was either drugs and then it became the food.

This is who I am. And I go, fuck those Oreos. It was good for you, man. I'm proud of you. No, no, don't be proud. No, but that's growth. But to figure out that you, but I'm 57 years old. No, I know, but that's so bad.

If I would have figured it out at 20, I would have been looking like a Donner's right now. Some people never figured it out. But it was so weird out at that moment. I go, that was what I used to do. Isn't that interesting? I had this. If you would call me in those days and say something like the day we went to Vegas together. And we got the call that Brody died.

Don't make us cry. I swear to God that like I went back to the room and Kate and I called you. That was the worst day ever. I go come right back. I go come because we got food in the room. We had a food. They had already left food for me. I didn't want to eat alone.

Like I called Kate. I go, Kate, do me a favor. I never really want to ask you to come over to my room. I had a huge room. They're not friends. Could have made me cry thinking about it. It was the hardest day. Brett came over and Brett, you know, we were friends and nobody really brought up Brody.

We ate. It was awkward. It was weird because because I tried to avoid it. Well, you flew it after me and like flying together. No, that show you had to change your flight because you got an audition or something came up. You had to do in the morning. So you change your flight.

You go to the bathroom. Oh, you change your flight. So I was there for like two hours and I've never lost. I the only person I ever lost like that was my grandfather. That was sudden. He had a heart attack. He was pretty young. But I never, my grandfather was a little estranged.

I never lost someone that close that I just talked to like two days before. Like it was, I mean, I mean, that was everybody's had that happen, I guess. But the first time that happens to you, it was just so I couldn't get my head around it. I couldn't stop crying. I was like, how are we going to do the shows? I'm hysterical. And then you came in and then you deal with it so different because I remember like, I don't even know this, but like you didn't say anything about it.

I didn't want to talk about it. I know. I didn't want to. I know. And I knew, I knew because I know you. I couldn't get myself started. But do you know that we did Vegas and then we did Tucson and then flying from, it was either Vegas, I feel flying from Vegas to Tucson on the plane.

You started crying, but you didn't say word, but you just put your hand on me. And I, you just, I knew that that was like, you finally let it out. I couldn't let, I had a job to do. I know, you had to do the show. That show was so hard. I couldn't do that. That Vegas show that first night. It was so dedicated to them, but there was to go up there and try to be funny and like,

and don't get me wrong folks. It's my job. It's our job, but also 28 years. That venue is the worst one for that because it was a pitch black. It was a spotlight and you couldn't see one person's face. So there wasn't even like another human to connect to. It was just, I like that. That's how I do too.

Sometimes I don't want to see nobody's faces. But I didn't want them to look at me break down. I wanted to see their faces. So I wasn't like in a void. At the end when I said, I dedicate this show to Brody, as I turned the tears were going to fall out, but I didn't want people to see me cry. And then we went to Tucson.

I avoided even going into my head. I know. I was starting to be like, is he going to bring it up? No, no. Oh, sorry. We went to eat. We did whatever. We smoked pot.

We did the show when I got back to the room that night. I broke down and I broke down because I didn't break down like I was supposed to on Friday. I cried on the plane by myself. But I was sitting there and people were starting to watch me. No one noticed. And like on the plane they were, the two people next to me looked at me. And the tears were coming down. I cried on so many flights.

I controlled myself. And then once I saw you that Sunday, because for me that. That's it. It's so surreal. No, it's so in layers. Like I'm just starting to come to grips. Like a couple of weeks ago, they did, I asked Lee about something and he goes, well, Steve, Simone is doing something for Brody.

What the fuck are they doing for Brody? Well, his anniversary is coming up in two months. Number one, number two, I'm just starting to, like his phone number is still in my thing. I'm still following on social media. I know. I still have a lot of email. Me too. To me, they're not dead.

They just done a vacation. That's how you have to think of it. But eventually I'm going to have to pay the piper. You always have to pay the piper. Do you know what that you mean? I did this with my mother and it came back five years later on. So all this dealing, you got to deal with this shit. When it comes to that, you have to deal with this shit.

What can you do besides cry it out and. Write, fight it. You're going to have bad days. You're going to think about them. It's the weirdest fucking thing because like every time I'm at the light at Starbucks, I think of Brody and I avoid it. I try to get into the song. I thought I think of him every time I see that billboard behind Pink Dot where he had his.

When you go upstairs to the fucking belly room, they got that picture. I know comedy and somebody punches you in the fucking chest before you go up to stairs. His pictures in every room. By the time I get upstairs, I got fucking anxiety from seeing that. That picture is huge. That picture has to come out bigger than I wanted somewhere else because as soon as I think the same, you go to a back bar to have a drink and to talk to your friend. So they got a slice of pizza and they got a big fucking picture of Brody right there.

It's my love, but it just takes it. It's true. Every time you're having a great moment, you see it and it kind of. It's like getting ready to fuck somebody. So when they're titties, you go down and you feel that string and you go, God damn it. I just blew 160. Is that really happened? This bitch happened.

I always warn guys. I always warned them on that before they call you. No, like if I call you and go, would you like to go to dinner on a Friday night? And you agreed with me to go to Dan Tannins and on the way home, I go to reach between your legs and you got a little fuse. Do you want to know the truth? Yes. If it's a date where I would normally have fucked you and I know that I can't because

my period is that bad, I won't go out with you if we're not boyfriend or girlfriend. But if it's like a first date and I wouldn't fuck you anyway, I still will. Because I don't fuck guys on the first date ever. No, not you. Except for Phoenix. I don't. That wasn't a date. Except for the model, except for the sister.

Okay, hold on. That was the, I knew him. Wait, the model, I knew him. If you think the questioning and the fucking Harvey Weinstein case is crazy. You know what? This here was blowing your fucking mind. I knew the model for three years. I saw him all over the place all the time.

I know, I know. Wasn't the first time. There's always a furry listen. It's never as good as the first time. Shot day. I'm saying it wasn't the first time. You know what? If you saw a hot supermodel get naked on a stage in a shower and all the girls were

trying to fuck him, I admit, I've grown up a little. But there was a time when I was very insecure because no one liked me. I got made fun of. I was ugly. I couldn't get any of the boys I wanted. So I admit there's a little piece of me that when I could fuck the hottest male model in the world was like, oh my God, I never could. Like I can't believe I'm going to get to fuck this guy and I did.

So you know what? Fine. I'm not mad at you. But I don't do it often. You're wrong. But I have a whole list and I know the numbers. I know all their names. I feel guilty.

The other night, for example, I see her at the store the other night. I bumped into her for two minutes. What did I do? Oh, yeah. She looked beautiful. She was all done up. Thank you. Now, I know what a woman's going out to do calmly.

And I know what a woman's putting out a scent of must that they want. Dick. I did a show that night. That night she wanted dick. So I knew this. I didn't say nothing to nobody. I really did. She left.

I hooked her. I hooked you up with a black dude with the beard, my friend. I even tried to get you. He's got a big dick. That dude did porn. Are you crazy? He did porn. I wouldn't fuck that guy.

You might as well. He looked like black Santa. He gives you powder. He suck his dick. Joey. He's got like a 22 inch dick coat. No. He did porn for years.

That's all I know. So what? That's even more reason I don't want to. I'm done with porn. When I first met him, he lived in two white chicks. I gotta stop coming here. Someone kill me now. I would go up there to get coke from him.

He would have his girlfriend and her sister sucking his dick in the afternoon. You don't know how many times I'd walk in. I'd go, where are you? And he goes in the couch, but don't come back here. And both of them would be in there. And I'd look in and the girlfriend was really pretty, but the sister was kind of ugly. And she'd be naked.

He would make both the sisters suck his dick at two in the afternoon. And you thought I would take him? You thought you were like, Kate will take this guy home. Kate's got like a 20 inch dick. I don't want a 20 inch dick. That's too big. That's too big. I don't want anything above 10 and that's a little big.

Listen, I'm like Cupid. You're not like Cupid. You know how many couples I've set up that got married? The couple in Fort Lauderdale. I set them up. I set up three couples right now that are happily married. I set up. I see an eye.

I know. What do you think about my little crush guy too young? Who? The fighter? I told you about. He's a sweetheart. You call him a fire. He's a sweetheart but he's not for you.

The dude you needed was Brent from BJJ. Don't say it. Joey. That's what you needed. Joey. To calm you down. What are you? How high are you that you're naming names and shit?

Brent was a nice guy. Brent's my father. He is a nice guy. I love him. He's adorable. You and him were the Cupid from Heaven. Cupid shot an arrow into both your hearts. You went to the other direction.

You want fucking, you want one night stand. I do not want one night stand. I've had lots of boyfriends. I know. That's not what I meant. I meant relationship. This is worse than the law and order. We shouldn't.

I don't want one night stand. I've only fucked 23 people. I can never do a crime with Kate because she's been now she's only fucked 23 people. I have the list at the Bronstons house in Venice. That was last year. Me and Bronston made a list. You know what?

Actually, it's probably like 25 by then. 25. That was the last 18 months. No, I haven't but here I'll tell you the truth. After the wizard. You do two and a half a month. You average two and a half. No, I don't.

What's the hash? No, I don't. No. Here's where you forget. Okay, the guy, let's call him the comic guy that I actually dated, the longest on off dude. Here's my go to when I'm in between guys. So what I do is I date guys I see potential with

and I try not to fuck them until I'm sure. You got like 10 to go guys. No, I don't have any to go guys. I swear to God. Where do you keep this list? Do you know how many nights I've been? So last night I text my buddy Aiden. I have a text and I said, I'm so horny right now.

I would fuck you and you're gay. Let me explain some to you. I have no one. I see you the other night. Right. She leaves. I know and a friend of mine came up to me. He also has a freak radar like me.

Okay. And he goes, Kate Quigley wanted cock tonight. That's exactly what this guy that I know. That's a friend of mine came over to me late and he goes, Kate Quigley was very beautiful tonight. Thanks. But she wanted cock tonight. I know that.

I call her up and she's. I was in bed. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I did not fuck anybody. She was in an Uber. She was in an Uber. She was getting in an Uber.

Which corrected me. She was going home to text and find victims. No, I wasn't. She goes, bro, she's like, no, I didn't. It was Saturday night. She goes on like Reddit and she'll type. You're so full of shit. Blah, I'm looking for dick.

I got power and all this shit. No, I don't. I called her up. I go, you okay? She goes, yeah, I was worried about it. No problem. I'm going to kill you. The next morning I called up.

I go, what's wrong? I did nothing. I told you. I said I did nothing. Because I did nothing. She goes, but I didn't have phone sex with a guy. Oh, yeah, that's right. See, there's always something.

You're like Harvey Weinstein. Oh, I feel bad about that guy. Guys, you know what I'm saying? For me, I'm a 57-year-old man. I'm married. I have a daughter. And I still like to laugh and hear a good story. And when I want a good story,

all I need is to do is call Kate. But wait, let me say something about that. I have friends that fulfill different voids in my life. But think about this. When I want to be depressed, I call Lee. When I want to hear about depression, I call Lee. Like, what are you doing, Lee? Nothing, sitting here.

I just got back from doing two spots, Lee. You know it's 9.45 at night and you're 30 years old. Go out, mug somebody. Get a hook up. Mug somebody. Do something. So I have friends that fulfill different voids. Like, if I want to feel good about myself, I just call Lee.

It's true. When I'm sitting there at 5, when I'm sitting there at 1030 suicidal, ready to decide whether I should eat that next edible. Like, when I'm sitting there at 1030 and I'm like, should I eat another fucking? By the way, I get my edibles till I thank God. I've been waiting.

I'm getting the ATX, 100 milligrams. I'll be ready for New York. Is that as good as I miss the stars of death? I need new animals. Oh, these are better than the stars of death. Good. I want some. When I'm feeling that depressed,

I'm like, I should be doing something in my life. I got married. I got a kid. I call Lee because I know. Because he's doing so much more. No. I have fun by myself. Lee, what are you doing?

I'm sitting here. I got back from birds, backwacked and whatever. He calls me. I don't have a story. And then you're all, if I don't have a story, he's like, what happened to my cake? Where's your story? Yeah.

Like, what the fuck? Wait. But then when I do have a story, he's like, you got to stop. What are you going to settle down? Quit fucking, fucking, whatever. Yeah, she, she fucks the wrong people. I don't always.

I'm getting better. Listen, after the wizard, there's only been two. After the wizard, there was the guy in Vegas. The one guy dated David. After the wizard, did you do a climb? Did you go see a Santeria priest or something? I actually went to a shaman after the wizard. Jim Florentine sent me there.

Yeah. I'm going to have to get a chicken. It's a guy that got already lying sober. Yeah. He helped me. He will clean your pussy. He did it. He cut his head off.

It's done. I got tested. I was fine because, like I said, nothing is really important. And I've never had STD. I've only had one yeast infection my whole life. My pussy is very clean. It tastes good.

You know what? Summer's Eve. Oh, the vaginal scrub? The best shit ever. That's the best shit ever. It makes it taste like Skittles. For what? You use it.

I used to use it years ago. I don't know. I don't think you still use it. 38, that was on the road. I wanted my balls to be in tip top, but good all time. And from fucking chicks, your helmet smells weird. It gets a weird smell to it. Yeah, but now it smells like a pussy.

And one night I was on the road with a girl and we had to share a condo. I thought you were going to say condo. I wanted to go to the bathroom. And I didn't have any soap. So the other thing I had was the Summer's Eve vaginal scrub. The stuff is a bomb. I put it on the fucking antelope.

And I started washing my soap. There's not my whole body. And I washed my balls real good on my dick. Let me tell you something. My balls were never that shiny. You understand. The shit is amazing. It's tremendous.

It's tremendous. I started using it. Get Summer's Eve. Yeah. If you're a man and you want to get your balls licked with no women making faces or nothing, get Summer's Eve vaginal scrub. Shit is that.

You use that. It's amazing. And combine that with man scape, the ributalizer, for your nutsack. Women will love to fucking suck their balls. I even carry the Summer's Eve wipes. You'll think it's 4th of July every day, do you? Yeah, because just in case, like then you have it.

Because the thing is, it also, for men, it's different. But for women, it actually regulates your pH balance. So you stay the way you're supposed to smell. So, you know, I mean, honestly, like a guy even said to me, I like, when I started using them, a girl recommended it to me. I started using them. A month later, this guy goes down and he's like, you're the best tasting pussy.

I was like, wow, Summer's Eve. Like, it works. It works. Let me tell you something. We've done a lot of podcasts in our day. Can I say one thing? What? Can I say one thing?

The reason I had bone sex is because I was horny and had no one to hit up, which just want to point out, ruins your theory that I have a bunch of, this guy was like out of town. But tell me that you didn't call everybody you could before you did. There isn't anyone right now. There's only one guy I can hit up for sex. I guarantee if I go to your, I don't have any guys in town.

You're the type of bitch that'll call 911 to report a fake crime. So you can suck the cops dick. You know what I'm saying? I did tweet that one. And I am mad at you, but that's not a bad idea. I did tweet that once. That's not a bad idea. I did.

That's a fantasy and a half. Looks like fireman. You're a monkey. You open up. I like my UPS guy. You open up the door of your robot with one tin hanging out. Nah, I don't fuck strangers. I'm telling you, I gotta have a connection.

You just said UPS guy. I didn't fuck him. He's just cute. Do you have any similar idea? What are these dates you got on the books? Oh, road dates. I thought you meant like dates. Road dates.

Actually, I've got, oh, Valentine's Day. I'm doing Kansas City. I'm so excited. I'm gonna do comms for single ladies on Valentine's Day. So you can do it. So you're doing Friday and Saturday? Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Kansas City Comedy Club.

Good club. Good people there. And then I'm in Edmonton in March and Akron, Ohio. Well, I'm happy you could add some happiness today because I wanted a complete different podcast. People need it right now. I wanted to go off the rails today. I've been wanting to.

If I could get acid and all that shit. If I didn't have to do some shit this afternoon, I would have fucking got something. Angel dust, animal tranquilizers. I would have gone down some fucking road. But I got responsibilities. I got spots. No, I know it's never.

You have spots. It's never too late. I got spots. I have spots. Tonight. By the way, thank you for giving me the heads up on that one gig. Anyway, let me talk to you people real quick

about something before we even get the fuck out of here. You know me, guys. When it comes to CBD, I'm more of a one company and one company only. CBDline.com. You say Joey, why? Why? Because it's real CBD.

Not that shit you're buying at the corner. These new stores popping up. They're all bullshit. And they just started testing them. And people coming back with fucking. They just read it. They did a test in some area. And there was like iodine with color in it.

No, no, no, no, no. With CBD line, you're getting the real deal. That's why I deal with them. I reached out to them. Their stuff was so good. The tincture 100%. You put under your tongue at night. It comes with different milligrams.

The gummy bears, I recommend with all my fucking heart. Raspberry, strawberry, and orange. Never mind the fucking vapor pen. No vitamin E and no acetalol, whatever the fuck, killing people. You haven't heard about it no more. Because people change the recipes. And they also have the shatter.

So however you want it, they got it. They got some body bombs now that you put in your bathtub. They're fucking tremendous. My wife's been using them. Tremendous. Listen, CBD lion is the real deal. Right now, go to CBD lion.com. Look at that third party lab results and get back to me.

They're not playing around over there. Do you understand me? CBD lion.com. Number two, Valentine's Day is around the corner. Whether you're single, you're not. Listen, can you imagine finally you got a date and pull your pants off when your underwears look like they've been through fucking hell?

You got skid marks. Looks like somebody shot a musket of them. You ever see the men? Next time you judge a man, look at their underwear. Oh, it's disgusting. It's fucking disgusting. I have a rotating stock of meundies. Why?

Because over the years, they kept sending them. I got wrote. I got everything. I got red ones, green ones. What colors do I have on today? I gotta eat them. Let me see them. Let me see them.

Oh, this fucking flag. Take them off. Oh my God, they're so cute. They're flowers. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I love them. Me ain't fucking around here today.

That's what I do for Manscaped. I love Manscaped. Meundies. Meundies. I love meundies. Anyway, meundies right now has matchy underwear for you and your girl for Valentine's Day. They got lots of special prints for you

to get in the mood for Valentine's Day. And if you don't have a special someone, meundies has some even better. If you got a dog and a cat, they can match them too with meundies. All right? They call buddy bands. Band and Dan is made from their signature micro-modal

material so your dog can look just like you. That's Mans' best friend for a reason. Plus, meundies is fucking everything. Socks, loungewear, joggers, robes, slippers, even baby clothes. Personally, I'm in awe on the joggers. You know that because you know how much your fucking Uncle Joey loves comfort and these things are comfortable as fuck.

They hold your nuts perfectly. If you never sweat them, I could smell my balls at nine o'clock at night and go, wow. Wow. When I walk on underwear. You should make a ball candle. I'll mail it right to your house. You and your little buddy and your little bed bugs

and your bed can sniff them. Anyway, I love fucking meundies. Speaking of love, meundies is showing you the love with a killer offer for the church family. You ready? Go to meundies.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you 15% off and free shipping on your first purchase.

Plus, you get meundies 100% satisfaction guarantee. Again, grab your pen that's 15% off and free shipping you and your girlfriend nice matching underwear. Come on, who's better than you? And if you show up to a Tempe Improb that weekend and pull your fucking pants down, I'll send you a shot of fucking tequila

right there from the stage. How's that? Matching me underwear for you and your woman. What are you fucking nuts? That's what meundies does for you. Go to meundies.com right now slash Joey and get 15% off, all right? One more time, meundies.com slash Joey.

15% off for your first purchase, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee and slip into something more comfortable than those fucking shit-stained pieces of shit you got on. Women smell those when you go to the bathroom. You know that when you're naked and you go to the bathroom or when you're going to reach over and smell your underwear to judge you.

And they have every right to fucking judge you. You filthy motherfuckers, go to meundies. Yes, sir. What was the song of the day today? Cashmere. Cashmere by Led Zeppelin. That's the song of the day. Listen, Tempe weekend, Valentine's Day weekend.

The party starts on the 13th, Tempe Improv and then February 29th. I'm at motherfucking Treasure Island. Get your tickets now. That's it and that's that. I want to thank my favorite sister in the world who is like fucking, I got to call Harvey's attorney tonight

and get her in the mix. Are you alone forever? I love you so much. Thank you very much for being a guest today because I wanted happiness in here. I didn't want to drag a fucking dog in here today. I wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to laugh and giggle and act like an asshole.

And I hope you guys enjoyed it. Flying Jew. I love you little brother. I hope you're doing well. It was a 75th anniversary yesterday of what those fucking evil cocksuckers did to your tribe. And I was fucking embarrassed.

I was sitting on the couch crying. Fuck those Nazi motherfuckers. I hope they all burn in fucking hell. Anyway, I love you guys. Go to joeydears.net and get your tour dates and that's it. I'll see you next week. Enjoy your Wednesday.

Oh my God, my life is over. I'm gonna kill you Joey. You loved that one. That was fun. Church, what's happening now?