Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #759 - Tim Dillon

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Tim Dillon, a stand up comedian, actor, and host of the "Tim Dillon Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/joey to get your first month free.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

I Greetings from podcastville cocksuckers. It's Monday the 10th of February the church of what's happening now is brought to you by hymns the wellness brand for men listen Time waits for no man and that means me too. Well, we're not getting any younger We're getting older even the Mona Lisa fucking fell apart But there's one part of aging you don't have to deal with anymore. Thanks to him. That's fucking hair loss Do you know that 66% of men start losing their hairdo by the age of 35? And if you've noticed a little less grass on your field, it could already be too late

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Yeah, fucking Puerto Ricans. Yeah Send them over here They send the cruise ships Sending cruise ships over here for fucking reasons bad that's part of the terrorist. I asked a woman at my show I said are you well? What's the deal with the coronavirus? She goes are you asking me because I'm Asian? I said yes. Oh, cuz you're drinking a fucking Corona. No, cuz you're fucking Chinese. That's why cuckuck. Yeah Anyway, go to honor calm right now. You want to stay healthy if you travel You want to stay healthy if you fucking you want more energy if you want your mind to work, right alpha brain

The best in the business 100% 100% money back guarantee and they don't want the product back Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke. All right Go to honor calm right now and press in church and get 10% off your order delivered right to your motherfucking house Without further ado my brother from a different mother mr. Tim Dylan. What's happening? Thank you for having me, buddy And the flying Jews here today. Yeah special appearance. Oh, thank you fresh from Israel looking smooth tonight with his little black T Yeah, you look like an extra from uncut gems Yeah, I'd be pissed you got a cause the muck first thing yeah, and give him a backhand Yeah, what's going on nothing much flew in just flew him from Chicago

Fucking great weekend there, you know early show on Saturday one audience member punched another Which is always good. It means they're passionate. They're excited. Yeah, but you know Zany's downtown Chicago is dark You can't see what's going on. So I did a joke and and no joke usually does really well Nobody's laughing and I'm hearing little skirmishes in the crowd. I said what what the fuck happened Did I do the wrong thing a guy and another guy for whatever reason? I don't know how it happened Maybe somebody's interrupting somebody he just fucking clocked them and then him and his chick got up and the guy who did it Him and his chick got up and got out of there the manager had to get involved

So I just you know, I just kind of plowed through with the set. That's tremendous. That's what it is That's comedy. I have a hard time at Zany's downtown. Yeah, you don't like it. No, no, not that I don't like it Yeah of the club. It's they don't like me There's just some clubs you're gonna go to over years. Oh, yeah, well, I don't know if it's psychologically Yeah, or something you while you're on stage You don't have a good time and they don't seem to have a good time. Yeah used to be a club in Baton Rouge, Louisiana They didn't laugh

Right, but after the club they all came up to you and hug you in total. Yeah, great Yeah, I never felt anything like that in my life, right different clubs, you know, Irvine improv I love the club. They just don't love me, right? I could do Irvine I feel like I'm losing with every fucking joke. Well that yeah, Braya. I love Braya Ontario You can light yourself up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I feel that way about like the Northeast. I know I love I listen I love the store, but I feel like I I am like designed for the Northeast and For the Midwest a little bit when I get out here west coast people are a little bit more relaxed They're a little bit more laid-back. I'm a little darker a little bit more aggressive

I feel like they're kind of like what's going on, you know, see, you know beat these beach towns Everybody's doing good. They're surfing all day. They come in. I'm screaming about you know, Disney You know raping your kids or whatever I'm talking about. They don't get that, you know, what about the south? How they doing this out? You know, I've not been to the south a lot. I taped a Netflix thing years ago in Atlanta, which was good I mean, I haven't been to the south a lot. I Did some stuff in New Orleans, which is fun. I I think this year I'm gonna be in the south more than I've ever been. How long have you been doing comedy about ten years? At ten years to 2010 late 2010 when I was like doing comedy I

discovered the south like in 2001 yeah, and I pretty much Scared the shit out of that's right eight of entertainment a ka Charlotte. Yeah, I don't love Charlotte comedy zones Yeah, I just did Charlotte. Okay had Had a string of one-nighters, right? There were triple runs only they paid a hundred dollars more, right? Still dark rooms and I remember going on them and eating shit every night. Yeah from fucking Tennessee to

West Virginia, right? I remember going to Zany's first time and opening for Stanhope had to be 2001 and Going up there and having them seven minutes and then losing Chicago or Nashville Nashville and then watching Stanhope go up and he'd hold them for 14 Right, and then they'd realize what are we laughing at? We're Christians, right? And I so I said, you know what? I hate dick in Nashville. I hate dick in Atlanta I remember waiting all fucking day to do a guest set at Charlotte. Who do I know was black night, right? I walk in there. It's fucking little Africa. I walk into the guest spot They look at me like nah. Yeah, I waited all fucking day at the call, you know, yeah, no money, right?

This is when you gotta sit at the this is when you set the set of Starbucks Yeah, and wait and fucking take a sip every hour You gotta sit there and dehydrate because God forbid you finish that coffee. Yeah, you gotta milk that coffee for hours Yeah, you got to fucking steal a tuna sandwich from the hotel before you leave and shit And now you got to wait cuz you're gonna have enough money just to get the cab The cabs 82 from the fucking cuz the the airport's never close to the comedy club when you yeah, it's funny It's like being a drug addict being a comedian. It's like very similar It's the same thing and the same thing you live the same way live to just accommodate right just to get just to subsist

You live so once I went to Atlanta. I was done. It was like I was too much of a New Yorker They just now that went to Jacksonville Oh Nelly yeah, I did I cover if Jimmy Schubert had a cancel Okay, and I probably had 35 and that's if I tap dance and pull the whistle right right That's if I pulled the whistle All right, seriously, you know, I was living in Seattle. Yeah 30 when I left Seattle I had 18 because I left 12 you left a lot local jokes, right?

So they disappear a go boom. I came down here with 18 was greatest when you see people trying to do local jokes Oh, and they forget the first time They'll try to do like a boss. Yeah, yeah, watch them and then I die New York comedians do subway bits in Iowa people stare at them Like what are you doing? Oh my god? Yeah, I saw a kid once in San Diego That I saw him Boston. I was friends with him in Boston at the at the fucking Comedy club we do the open mics never I was in Boston. He had a bit About the guys on the radio getting drunk Tommy Heinz in Drinking Budweiser and that you know, it was just a brilliant bit if you lived in Boston, right?

Every time he did it if you had to follow him, you were gonna die. Yeah, it was an eight-minute bit about You know this fucking two guys You know, he hit the he hit the backboard like a brick, right speaking of bricks How about a toast for the king of beers? Yeah, Budweiser, right? Just fucking constant and I never forget seeing him. I saw two people do that One was this kid in Boston do that same joke in La Jolla and at the three-minute mark He realized where the fuck he was and why he was dying the death of his life. It's great And you can see it in his face. It's the best. I'm gonna tell you who else I saw this happen to when I first met him

Sherka 2002 Sam Tripoli. Oh, wow Sam Tripoli when I first met Sam He was opening up for Pablo and he was doing a whole bit about Ecstasy of some drugs right shit, and I'll never forget that one night Mitzi just Mitzi sometimes past you but in the beginning she didn't know where to put you like I remember she used to put Stan And fucking Two chicks had to follow him. Yeah, and I'm the one time he had to follow this lesbian chick With the fucking the whole head and I was in there and it was like an eight o'clock comedy listen

20 years ago the eight o'clock show was the mild show The ten o'clock show was a little bit more risque. Nobody knew that That was the term you you ate dick for the first show and some people flipped it some people like some people hate Friday late Yeah, a lot of people complain about Friday late show sucks. I fucking hate it. It's hard to sell It's hard to sell a Friday late show. She put Stan Hope up on time I think the show used to start at 830 And she put Stan Hope up at 845 on a Saturday night And I saw it and I go I have to go down and see this I

Still remember the girl's name that had a follow him. I will not mention it I don't not remember the second girl that had a follow But the first girl was a chubby lesbian Okay, and she went up there and they were like in shock. She had like green hair And he I still remembers him grabbing the mic and going keep it going for whatever her name. Yeah, Shirley McClain Yeah, that's not a regular lesbian. That's a real fucking She's had a kids game with a cockpum And they were frozen right like in those days the report you were hearing about Stan

Oh Were that he was like just leveling the improv right what that meant was even the comics were cracking Yeah, like that. We're not gonna follow that like right comics were complaining more by them back then Yeah, he was causing such a fucking ruckus right, but what I saw him cause at the comic store that night Yeah, it was special. He started with that about the cockpum The softball kid games. That's great. He just ran from there. Sometimes I lie I think that's it's fun to watch that. Oh, it's fucking hilarious. Yeah to watch the audience Yeah, when they don't know what they signed up. Yeah, they get shaken out of their comfort. I fucking love it

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, and I love that Uncomfortable laughter when there's I love bombing. Yeah, there's I don't mind bombing, right? But I like those eight people that are getting it Yeah dying for that life and they're taking the right with you. Yeah, it's your bombing. Those are your people Those are your people. Yeah bombing. Yeah, there's one guy over here that if you do this he fucking giggles I'd rather it's like an outright bomb is good and then obviously killing is good The worst thing in the world is when they're actually having fun, but they're not alive Like they're they're they're there, but they're not there because you can't get mad because I lash out if I'm bombing

I lash out at them a little bit and it's funny to fight with them But it's you know if they're just you know, I wanted the shows this weekend They're all sold out and it's a lot of fans but one of the shows they were having fun But not as much fun as I wanted them to have you see them having fun They were just not and I and I couldn't say hey fuck you because they all bought tickets to see me I just had to you know do as good as and then after the show everybody says we loved it. It was great Thank you so much to take a photo But like during it didn't have that electric energy and then the next show was back to the electric like, you know

Smash and all that stuff So sometimes it's just a psychology of that particular group of people Wait, when did you start doing college 2010? What made you get up? What made me do it the first time? I was in the mortgage business and In 2009 educated No, dropped out of community college to do Percocet and sell subprime mortgages in Long Island Which I still believe is the what I will return to I

believe stand-up is a sabbatical for my true calling which is to work in a strip mall and have great lunches serious lunches and And and take Percocet and and and and telemarket mortgages in the tri-state area All over the country, but the tri-state area we hit because you could go and sit down at the table and have a meeting That I remember we were in the Melville Marriott And there was a CEO of a really big bank there and he was hammered And he looked at me and a few young kids not young we like 24, you know And he said to us he goes boys

There's a cold wind blowing and he was just I mean he was just knocking back booze You know this guy at a family at a big house, and he was leveraged, you know, you know all this was you know, he had you know So he he and I was like looking around the office, and I was like we're done. We're dead in the water It's like it's it's over. It's over. There's no coming back from this My life is done and then I was like it's I'm 25. I've I'm not educated What am I gonna do and I walked into a Coffeehouse tattoo parlor on Long Island Because one of my friends gave me the name of an open mic. He goes go do this open mic and see

What happens any interesting comedy growing up? I mean I loved so I loved like you know, I would see Karlin He'd be great. I remember once when I was coming down from shrooms first year at college somebody showed me bill Hicks his set at Montreal. I think your revelations. I think or relentless I forget which one it was where he's in the black turtleneck and he opens up because I was for the war He goes we had a war in the States and he goes I was in the unenviable position of being for the war but against the troops And I thought that was one of the funniest things I'd ever heard and you come it down from shrooms You're like wait, what the fuck that I even hear that right and I watched that set and I was really like drawn into that

But I mean as a kid I I loved that Chanel I loved all that and I was an actor from when I was six to when I was 12 child actor So I was in plays I auditioned for you know sitcoms in New York all that shit So I was like into theater and stuff like that, but nothing ever worked. I was a failed actor at 11 It's tough, you know, but I took then I took a little break and then 25 I got back in So it was like I always had that bug wanting to be on stage wanting attention Once you got when when you got back on that tattoo place. Yes, how did you feel when you got off the stage? I said, okay. This is where I belong. I fit here. I fit here

I said I fit here which was insane because it was a tattoo parlor cafe And I said the place didn't even make sense, but it's Long Island So nothing makes that like when you would bomb you heard the needle goes And then somebody getting a tattoo would go Next and then you go to the next joke, but it was I said I was like I I'm just gonna keep coming back here And I'm gonna follow everybody here to the next place they go and to the next place they go and then I kept I just kept following People and going where we doing comedy, you know, and that's how I got into it

And then eventually that led me to New York and then it led me, you know years and years later to L.A. Well, what year did you get on stage 2010 2010 September 2010 when did you move to New York? I moved to New York two years after that two years after that all in all in that the first two years I was driving in to New York City and I did a lot of black rooms because black rooms would let you go up You know a lot of the alternative rooms they were, you know more selective They were cunty and you couldn't get in the clubs, but black rooms would let you go up urban urban shows and And they liked me. I was a big white guy. I was funny And you know and they were really fine. My friends loved

Go into these rooms because these guys were killer. I mean we'd see my gaps, you know smoky Suarez These guys are just murderous all my you know Some of my friends would come with me and then when I went to the city I started doing the alternative rooms and you know girls would get up and open a moleskin book my friends stopped coming They were like we've had enough of this But that's what I did primarily for like the first two years was open mics and then I would do You know black rooms and in in Brooklyn and in the Bronx and and then I would do you know Whatever you got you get a club spot here. You get a club spot there, but then I moved in

2012 right before Hurricane Sandy and I moved in with a married couple and Their Marriage they were just getting married and that didn't last that marriage. That was the second divorce I was maybe a part of the first was my parents The second one was I probably shared some blame for both of them because nobody wants a 25-year-old guy Like me moving in with you when you just get married. It's just not what it is. You know, that's not nobody want nobody Whether friends of yours that a cheap room $500 a month and they were comics and they go 500 a month Listen the building was built in 1911. It's a railroad apartment. It's a long hallway in your rooms on one end

Our rooms on the other the showers in the kitchen So somebody's gonna be washing their ass somebody's gonna be making eggs and the bathroom is in the hall of the building But it's on 45th between 8th and 9th Avenue got every subway in the city You have a rooftop you could go up and smoke cigarettes and tell your friends how fucking good you did it to open Mike which I you know would do all the time and they go You can live here $500 a month. So I said done deal in so that's when I went That's when I would consider all in because then you're living in that situation You're living with steam heat and you know, you're 25 you're 27 at that point of 27. I'm not by no means a kid and

I'm you know waking up every day You know because my foot touches the steam pipe and you know gets a you can get a third degree burn And then you're rolling out of bed and that's when I was doing comedy every night And then during the day trying to sell photocopiers in Staten Island Yeah, it's a it's a it's Photo copies the jobs get said. Oh, no the jobs get said but I'm a sales like I'm a sales guy Shit Shit and I always I'm with people that are always also full of shit. My father's full of shit

My grandfather wasn't he was a contractor. He worked, you know, he was real worked with his hands You're not fully shit. You have the gift of gas. Well, I like the way you say it. There's a big difference Right, it's a good big difference in being full of shit, right and being a gift of gas, right? Okay, the gift of gab is You could just talk to people. Yeah, make them at ease. Yes Sell them a product. Yeah, sell them a product. Yeah that they don't need. Yes that they don't need and shouldn't have okay, whether it's you know when

Here's the funny thing What we do is comics when we realize that sales goes into it. That's when everything changes in our game, right? That's true when sales gets into it. You can be the best comedian in the world. You're not selling yourself You're done. You're fine. It's so weird how my background in sales was impeccable. Yeah when I bit into sales I fell in love with it because I was uneducated, right? I was gd. Yeah, and I Knew I didn't want there was one thing there was a couple things. I knew early on a I didn't want a day job Right, that just was not gonna work right world and number two. I didn't want to fucking work for a certain wage every hour Right, I wanted us never to have a ceiling that always made sense to me

Yeah, what does that mean that you're a salesman? That's exactly right someone you're gonna make 800 bucks and you suck it the fuck up and some you make a grand and some Munch you make a grand. Yeah, suck it the fuck up, right and somewhere and then you learn how to balance it You know, right away the first month you make a grant at a steakhouse. You got a porter house for two Fuck yeah, you got a shellfish tower lobster, but some some blue claw crab on that too. Please. Thank you very much Yeah, let's get a couple of Jim Martini's Let's do the cheesecake bring all the appetizers lobster bisque port and cups will drink it while we eat the steak And then it's like then you have then then you realize you have to pay taxes

Because sales is the 1099 they give you a grand you didn't make a grand by the way, you know, oh money So I would get a check and then I would go out and spend money and then I'd realize oh I owe money Like I owe 4,000 of that goes to the government and I didn't pay any of it So that was something to but when I got in the comedy The only job I could get was in Staten Island and it was photocopiers and and selling office equipment sad because when you're selling real estate Of mortgages at least somebody around you's got a lot of money and you could look at them and be like well I want to be back. I want to be you know, my boss this guy Tim

What a big house in a pool But when you when you telemarketing Photocopiers Staten Island everybody there is desperate and they all have that job because it's in walking distance of their house So they could take a bus many of them just had deweys. What do you mean bus half of my halfway houses, right? I'm gonna shelter. Yeah Toothless they're alcoholics. Yeah, half of those telemarketing. Yeah house HBO. Yeah, hasn't developed a show About yeah telemarketers. I know six people who are fucking serious about life and six people who live day to day Day to day shoot heroin, right? They fucking they got HIV

but part of the Sales plan is cash. Yes. Okay, so there's jobs that like I had a great fucking job I got a job at night when I did comedy right before I left for New York. I got a job from Five to nine Yeah, he's perfect five to nine. So those are the those are the prime time bucks hours to pound the phone I'm the phone pound the phone. I think it was ten an hour. Yeah and commission plus commission 25 an appointment Yeah, your appointment setter. He was an assurance guy, right? All I did was just get him in the door. I had a sheet that he had already had contact, of course and it was too well

That's the five perfect. I would try to get three appointments an hour. Yeah, you get three appointments now. That's 75 That's fucking, you know, three four hundred a night. Yeah, that's eight bucks. Yeah, I used to sell Cigars about yeah in the 90s. They weren't saying Michael here Yeah, when I became a regular at the store The biggest job in LA was selling cigars on the phone sunset right across from rock and roll routes Yeah, where the hotel is walk 50 steps that building. There were 20 fucking motherfuckers in there 10 of us were You know

Actors comics. Yeah, you had to be there at six five in the morning Five or six in the morning, but the other 10 Were fucking people who were toothless. Yeah to Janet's fucking drinking while they were fucking Five in the morning. Who is the butter sales drinking? There was listen anybody can have a good day Hunger is hunger hunger is hunger. Yeah, I the best sales with my office hunger is hunger, bitch Was a woman in the cop your office. There was a woman named Ida They go Ida just sets appointments

They said sit next to Ida you train you sit next to the top producer when you train So you sit next to Ida and this was the top Producer at this till and she looked at me. I'll never forget this because this just puts in perspective how fucked everybody was She goes i'm doing good this year and if I do even better i'm gonna get a car And I went oh fuck She's the top She's mount olympus and she doesn't have a fucking car I said she doesn't have a car and she would get on the bus every single day

And she set three or four appointments get on the bus every day make her make her money make her money make her money And that's what she was she was just she was just a you know, she had to give the gap You got the gift of gab They can't you always eat? Yeah, I always say what what's the best motivator hunger? Yeah Who's the best salesman show me the hungriest guy in this motherfucker. There's some cool about a sales office too because It is a level playing field every day. You started zero every day. You started zero. That's a tremendous. Yeah Gift yes, eat somebody. Yeah, but you started zero every morning at eight. Nobody cares black white spanish gay straight asian

It's about making money. It's about numbers on a board fucking line. Yeah, you realize what the bottom line is of life Yeah, I tell people a lot of Listen, there's people who are very intelligent life But if I fucking woke you up at eight And gave you a fucking gun and said Have 500 by five o'clock every day you This is how the life I lived. Yeah, you know, it was yeah jams for me. Yeah I left that eight

I didn't know what I was bumping and a lot of people that have never had to do that If they just college or whatever and they just got you know Certificates and degrees and they got licenses and they just their entire life was just a different track But there's something about having nothing because when you're in one of those offices, you're telemarketing Nobody cares if you come in They don't care if you come in nobody's there's nobody's gonna call you and go. Hey, are you supposed to be or they might do that one day They assume you're not gonna come they assume you're not gonna show up There is no they don't give a shit because somebody's gonna sit in that seat if you don't it's an entire it's entirely on you

There's nobody there that has any investment in what you're doing. You're the only one Now are you doing all this shit? Yeah statin island Yeah, and the people don't know statin island. That was also Yeah, you know, you're leaving 45th street in Manhattan. Yeah to take a train. Yeah. Well, I was taking I was taking up I was taking up in the beginning. I was taking a subway to a boat to a ferry Oh my god, and then the ferry to a bus and I would take a 40 minute bus ride down to Uh, the end of statin island was called Tottenville Which was the end of statin island almost by jersey by the bay on bridge. So I would go down there to reliable office systems

Where I was told that I was you know every and I would steal cereal this bitch would bring in Special k redberry cereal and I would steal a little cup of it and I would down it and I mean in like a minute Down it with milk a minute Just steal a cereal and then go in and sit next to Ida and just pound the phone and try to set appointments three months into that I was setting enough appointments to like you're good at this You gotta come to our city office, which was by Bryant park and Madison Avenue And al called me al brought me and al was the headed out office from long island and al goes You're gonna come here now. You gotta remember do a comedy at night and that's my main focus

So al brings me in and he goes He goes you're gonna you're gonna be good at this. It's gonna be your career. He said this to me now Obviously, you know, I listen anybody else would love to hear that. I hated that I hated that he said that to me as I was sitting in this office Now I couldn't tell him I'm gonna be comedian. He go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's a long island guy. I said, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, me too. We're all gonna be comedians. Shut up. Here's what you're gonna do You're gonna sell these cannon copier, you know, and that guy he was just a good salesman like he sold cannon And all he would say is on the phone. He goes a good machine. It's a good machine. That was his thing people go

It's very expensive because a good machine though. It's good Good machine, right? Am I right people go? Yeah Yeah, I guess it is and he was just like one of these Guys, so they hired me in the city So I started doing it in the city and I started now. I had no Clothes I had like a a suit that didn't fit like an ill-fitting suit. I'm 300 pounds the suit doesn't fit My guts hanging out. I have like the the shirt that's half in half out I have shoes that are basically moccasins

That I'm I'm passing off his dress shoes because I have no fucking money and these sales guys. They don't understand that And and I'm and I'm walking around walking in hedge funds. I'm walking in the law office. They think I'm homeless They think the people are like wait. Whoa, the secretaries are trying to stop me. I'm like, no, no, I'm trying to sell your copier I sold a few of them like said be just because I'm a fun guy And I'd walk in and they'd be like who's this fucking lunatic Somebody came up to me once ago. Your thing's great. You walk in like a mess People take notice of you. I go. It's not my thing. I have no money They go you think what you do is good. You wear ridiculous shoes. Your shirt's got bird shit on it. It's great

They go, this is like a They go, this is like a fucking thing, you know, they thought it was a thing They're like, yeah, this is this is good. You're like a slob And people but but you know the you know, you memorize the pamphlet you can make people laugh So I sold a few of these things But the problem was now you're starting to do good now. They're like, why don't you come out to dinner? Why don't you meet this guy? What and then the problem is like, well, I got to do open mics I'm not even on shows yet. So I got to do open mics like 6 7 p.m. I can't even do things at 8 or 9 p.m. yet

So eventually I I quit that job because I was like I got to get out of the sales world which I'd been in since I was 22 21 really I had been in sales And then I left it when I was like 28 I just bought it off just mortgages and the copiers always been in sales and then the only job I saw guys like on a tour bus and they were just Yelling at that tourist on a bus that was going through Times Square and now he's like well that guy can't have a boss They can't be any background check to do that job

Some of these tour guides in new york. They were lunatics these people, you know one woman I swear to god would just go on and talk about a knee operation And the people and they were trying to learn about the empire stapling She would say she would hear it. She'd go I've had nine operations on the same foot People would but people would tip her at the end. It was like, it's you know, she was an animal But people felt bad for her so they So they fill the tip cup up at the end

So I was like, oh these people are also in their own way con artists degenerates Marginalized figures from society, you know, some of them thought they were historians some of them They were all full of shit, you know, these guys they barely knew anything I I was just like I'll go up there and make my whole goal was like I'll make everybody laugh So I would you know pass a building and be like what the fuck's going on in there, you know, I'm like, you know I was like, you know, what were you making doing that 15 an hour 15 an hour but checks so that's bad. So I know so I 40 hour work weeks. I never left with a check over 350

Okay, but cash tips every day of either no money When I was lazy and didn't want to give the tour and a russian woman punched me in the stomach once Because we were sitting on the thing it was jack. First of all, all the russians are poor. They come in january february They have no fucking money They're they're poor they come the coldest time of the year and then what you'd have to do a tour for one russian couple And the thing with russians is they have beautiful blue eyes like huskies, but they have no souls So when you see because they have a hundred years of atheism

So they have no soul. So there's no, you know, so when you look in their face, you see There's nothing there So I just sat on the bus and this russian woman said to me she goes you give tour and you fuck fuck I said listen to the automated tour I said i'm not doing it today. You're the only people on the bus. She goes you guy pay money You give tour you give tour and I said no You because I could I could put it on the automated when I was being lazy and the automated would be like And the automated was supposed to be hooked up with a gps, but it was never where it should be

So we'd be by central park and they'd be like you are seeing the 9 11 memorial and everybody would look out Like where's 9 11? You know, they had no idea because the gps these companies don't care because these buses There's no repeat business. Right. You just you you you bang them Bill burt has a great thing where he talks about the guys who sell tickets to these buses They're all africans and Haitians and they all have deep machete scars in their faces They make eight or nine grand a month and they send that all back to africa I think burr. I haven't heard a bit but burt somebody told me that burr either talks about it on a podcast It did it does a bit about it

But they're they're aggressive salesmen. They'll fight each other in the street and then once the tickets are sold It's over. You're not going to complain about this. What are you going to go find new office? And complain about what I said or did who gives a shit? So if I was feeling lazy, but if I was really killing it I could walk off the bus with 200 bucks in cash If I was really killing it like pizza here cheesecake here. Here's the best steaks Here's the great sandwich. Here's the best blocks to walk. You want to see mansions? You know, I could kill it if I wanted to and and then a russia woman

You know, she was she had it so she got up and her boyfriend This was hilarious her boyfriend because I guess she hit him too He didn't even he wasn't even like present It's the thing with certain russian people like he just sat there frozen like he was dead And she got up and she goes you give tour and just sucked me in the stomach hard hard like hard You know, it's kind of demoralizing So I had to pick up the fucking microphone now and be like, all right This is the dakota where john lennon lived you fucking cunt, you know, and then I gave the tour for the rest of the

For like the rest great job was you were doing stand-up? Yeah, I was doing stand-up on a bus I'm doing stand-up comedy on a bus all day Saying whatever the hell I want getting some complaints But my boss didn't care because he doesn't give a shit how many tours a day Two to three tours a day it was brutal So in the heat it was brutal because it's a metal bus and everybody gets up there and Everybody's pouring sweat and people because new york's not a pleasant city to be it's beautiful. It's amazing It's three. It's it's the greatest city in the world, but it's not a relaxing vacation

So you're dealing with people that are like They're all stressed out because they got a Broadway show they got to get to they get this they get that They want to see the Statue of Liberty. They want to go up in a helicopter. They want to do 90 all these fat people from Ohio They want to see central park, but they don't want to walk through it So they got they're like, how do I what do we do? I can't walk through. So, you know So they won't go into subway. They think everybody's gonna stab you with an AIDS needle and so I'm like the subway is safer than up here Right now, you know go down there. It's safer than you know, and they She deal with all those people. I would just make them laugh

Every day and then do spots at night. So that was the job and then Once I started getting a little bit going. I did the Montreal comedy festival 2016 I took the bus out. I sold tickets And did it for the new york comedy festival and people bought tickets and I just did like A crazy tour in New York and just basically said this was my fucking life And then fans of like my podcast and she got to sit on the bus and see what I used to do and it was hilarious You know, because I would talk about like human trafficking and drugs and and you know my roommates and

You know everybody on Broadway. They go, it's must be amazing to be on Broadway I said these people are all one broken ankle away from living on the street Then you see a college student like a high school theater group would come And their faces would go down. I said they don't make any money I said, I know the woman in Phantom of the Opera She drinks soup out of a cup and stares at the rain in the food emporium I said every day she wants to put a gun in her mouth. I said, so let me tell you I said and if she falls and sprains her ankle, she's going to be living in the street

And she's going to go have to go to the suburbs and fuck her way into the middle class And then she's going to have to work at your school, which I thought was funny And but one of the kids started crying one of the But I'm like, this is what it is. This is what life is and that was like my tour and that wasn't for everybody You know, I learned a big lesson last year. I had to go to New York and spend 18 days to shoot a movie And I didn't you know, I grew up on 88th street. Right. That was fucking 40 50 years Guys, you know, I left New York in 83. That was a long fucking time. Yeah, you know in my mind I wish it was still the same New York, right? So I don't know where to stay right

They told me you're gonna be picked up on 36 and third every day. You gotta meet there So I figure let me get a hotel close to that. I don't want to stay in Jersey. I have to come over the fair, right, right You know, and I made a mistake I stayed I stayed at a hotel Where all that shit goes down. Yeah The the the fucking black guy with the axe selling. Yeah, where did you do you remember where you stayed? I'd rather not say I think I gave me a rate that were nice people, but I had to leave. Yeah, I had to leave

Yeah, that area and I would work out a danger field and I remember saying that New York before you go to New York, you have to take a tourism class. Yeah Like you have to go somewhere Like before you go to New York. Yeah, you gotta do a little you gotta do something. Yeah And I can't even like even Chicago is too big for you. Right go to let's start somewhere small and right yourself up Yeah, because you cannot be a fucking idiot. Yeah, I saw a lot like I made the mistake and stayed I was there for three weeks The first hotel

Was a cool hotel, but a bit too cool funko joey, right? Yeah, I hate those hotels a bit too cool People drinking upstairs, right? No room service The breakfast was English, you know, yeah, I want lamb chops for breakfast. I'll let you know I want two fucking eggs Try to walk around the corner. It was too hip. The only thing the room's cold, you know, the room was cool Okay, I had a had a fucking I couldn't find anywhere to eat New York City walk five blocks Finally, I found the diner and added a cool little greek diner. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Second week. I stayed in the heart right by the garden That was the biggest mistake. Yeah of all time. That's a problem over there. Oh my god. Yeah getting in and out of there Was a nightmare. Yeah nights that the hotel had 10 elevators Yeah That's how many people were staying in there every time you got in the elevator. You thought you were in Las Vegas people coughing Forget about now with the coronavirus. Yeah, forget about it. Well people in new york gets 50 million tourists every year

Think of that. It's it's crazy 50 to 60 million every year that come in And they come in primarily from july through december That's the big That's the so it's sandwiched into and then in then january february you get a little break january february march you get a little break Coldest huh? Yeah, but then once april may starts they start ramping up again And then once you get to july forget it I mean and I worked in time square And I remember what it felt like to get up every morning and then have to go into time square and be standing with a cup of coffee

On you know 50th and 7th with a tour bus two tour buses and a line of people with tickets All these people and I never check tickets. They used to get mad at me They used to go you got to check these people's ticket. I go. I don't give a fuck They could be showing me anything. They want to ride the bus. They're gonna ride the bus I'm saying nobody wants to do this. Nobody's getting on these for free. I have to explain this to the people on the company I go nobody wants to do this shit except these idiots. Trust me So nobody none of my friends are getting on nobody's getting a better of me They all have fucking ticket and he's like well some of them abuse the ticket and ride for an extra day

It's like buddy. Who gives a fuck? So I never checked anybody's tickets, but you would have to get them in the bus They were hot It was disgusting. There was no bathroom on the bus People come up to you know, arab guys would come up to you always try to make deals They go you want to pull over I get cafe for you. I get cafe for my wife I get cafe for me. I go we can't we're on a tour bus We can pull over for you to get coffee for your wife like this is crazy, you know But it was just that area of new york

is is is like I liked it And now I now I go back to it and I go I I'm in it for a few minutes ago Okay, but it was something about it that gave you energy if you didn't have it Like if you needed energy it was a drug It was a straight shot of adrenaline every single day main line And I would get I'd do two or three mics and then eventually shows every night And I was like awake and I could do it and I was like

I'm sucking all the energy out of the city because that's the that's the center of energy in the city is that area Fucking crazy. Yeah, but at that. Yeah that area just Just it was I feel bad for tour like I was never a fucking tourist, right? Like I would never let myself be a fucking tourist like never ever You know, like my wife tried to be when I took her to new york the first time Yeah, and I had to cut the legs off of that shit. Yeah, what was she trying to do like just dumb shit Yeah, like shit that even if you live in new york, you don't go there Right, right when you when you grow up in new york the first year they take you to the museum of natural history

Right till you can't take it no more. Yeah, look at that fucking whale and then They take you to fucking Radio city Right, yeah, and you go to the fucking empire state building. Yeah, you know what I don't even want to do it again Like that was it. I haven't been in a museum of natural history since I'm you know Seven like the museum of natural history. It's fun. I let them we went to that one. We went to the met Yeah, I took the girls to the met. I took them there, but that other shit will never occur Yeah, like I love I used to tell people I feel bad go eat

I would say go eat. I see you learn more about a city from from restaurants Then you will from all this tourist shit that you do you go to see museum You're going to see artifacts and who cares? I'm going to tell you you're going to go to a cool restaurant You're going to look around watch people see what they do hang out drink a cup of coffee Sit on a bench just watch shit happen. You're going to get more of an idea What the city is then going on some guided tour you and I just start like a fucking Yeah, people like this was gentlemen and got shot in the head. Yeah, if you'd say in the world I'll shoot you in the fucking I think like like that's what you know

This is where fucking viovon made that drug deal. Yeah, I have drive in the cab drive the chicken the back This is the real new york. Yo, it's going to go with That was strawberry shit. This is the real new york. I used to you know, that's what I want to take This is what the fucking my friend louis. Yeah shot everyone in the eighth grade And fucking he puked and we left him here fucking for dead Like it's it's that but that's what I want to hear if I go to a city. That's what I want to hear You know and I would tell you know what I would do too because the apartments in new york city is so expensive I try to make everybody on the bus feel kind of bad

I just pointed to buildings and I go 10 million 20 million 30 million 35 40 million and everybody would just get beaten down You know by the end of the day, they realized that they were fucked They were like god every system's rigged. We're all shot, you know And then every now and then one of these fat broads Would try to like even the scale she go but they don't even have central air in those buildings They have wall unit air conditions and I go but they do have central air in their hamptons estates They take helicopters and land in them because they don't want to be in traffic many of them 20 30 000 square feet and she would go Ha and it was basically me going like I know you're trying to get one up on me

But not today pig not today and I would just make them feel I want their spirits broken by the time they left the bus I wanted them to realize that they had failed and there was nothing that they could do They fucked up They should have did you know that this is you can't understand this because new york is a city that requires Both less and more explanation than any other place on the planet But less explanation meaning you get kind of what it is immediately But more explanation because i'm going to point to a building. I'm going to tell you the average price is 26 million dollars And i'm going to say who the fuck lives there and i'm going to say louise crane lives there

Her family owns the paper that we print our money on you didn't even know that was a thing She owns fucking money You don't even know what and people's minds would melt You know and that's the type of shit I do and I go and next to her is a russian fertilizer magnet And next to him is a chinese amusement park tycoon and then the rest is jews But here's the way And I would just do that and then some people would love it Some people get off the bus and go man, I took two of these buses and these motherfuckers are talking about

Like you know nothing they're talking about nothing that's ever effect You know they're talking about this where george washington was and here's where the red codes and then they go you get on here You're talking about real shit that's actually happening and you're like this is interesting You know, I want to know what's going on. So Some people liked it, but yeah, we should do it. We'll rent the bus to the dylan ds ds dylan Tor I still remember like being in the eighth grade Being in jersey and they took us to philly

To see like the nutcracker suite. Yeah the nutcracker and betsy ross's house. Yeah, like you had to do all that shit Yeah I'll never forget that we went somewhere and the guy said so I think it was betsy ross's house He's like, do you know what happened here? And one of my buddies like who gives this? And he just Because those two people yeah, like they're so into it. There's so into it It's so sad and you can just throw them off. There's nothing worse because when I was doing that job I was doing it as like a means to an end, you know, and then there were people there where that was their full-time gig

Oh my god, that's fucking rough, man I want to take you guys to boston because I this college I went to is right down by the common And they have these walking tours, but they make the tour guides dress up like they're george washington Yeah, see that I wouldn't do that. That's when it gets too much like I listen. I barely wore my uniform Boston's got those stupid duct tours. Yeah, you're excited that the they're like the but the thing goes in the river too I'm like That impresses you we blow up things put a satellite a guy in his phone sends drone strike like But yeah, it was but it's sad because every job you have is a comic every shitty job

You're doing it on your way to hopefully something else, but the guy next to you. That's his that's it I used to take a bus with this guy great guy big guy Lived in statten island and he worked at the telemarketing with me. It was a good telemarket But that was that was it and you go. Yeah, you do a comedy. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool Whatever, but this was his thing, you know, he had a girl and they would just fuck it He would do and it's just like guy like that. You're like, you know, it's a rough road, man. It's a rough road no insurance No savings of money

Just trying to scratch up deals to make a living and it's tough and then also No There like no future that you're looking towards like hey If I go through all this I'll get here because like you said it's every day started zero It takes a very long time to build to where you're starting at five That takes a couple of years to just build up to where you started like, okay. I got a car I got an apartment. So it's tough a lot of those people I met it's like you wonder where they are now, you know When did you start getting hot in new york?

um physically attractive Not it hasn't happened yet, but we we think 2040 is one we're gonna see No, uh, when did things start to work out? in in 2016 I did the montreal comedy festival I had a good set really good set that was one of the nights where it just went well

It just everything that could have went it just went the way it should have went and it was a big um It was a big moment in a sense that like nobody You know, no, I may manager eight like my I had a manager then but like I didn't have an agent I wasn't on the road. I was doing little things. I was taking mega buses to go do bar shows and and restaurants and things like that 2016 I got an agent at w me and they were like, okay, and I'm like, hey, I want to do comedy clubs I want to work on the road. I want to make money to do comedy. That's my main goal. Yeah, I'd love a tv show I'd love everything else and I'll work hard for that

But if you could get me on the road and make make money I'll make these people laugh And I think my first gig was the improv in san antonio, which was like a 400 seat room And I think 13 people came in on a friday to see me Uh, or thursday at thursday show. I think 13 people came in it was like hidden in a mall first fourth floor and it was like The guy said to me and it's a big room. He goes we got nine people

He goes we don't really do the show until we get 11. So at that point. I'm like, you know, I mean I'm like just call this thing. I'll just go eat a fucking burrito the size of a car And go to sleep, you know And then the guy comes back in the green room the manager and he goes listen He goes I got good news and I'm like, I bet it's not he goes another couple walked in So I had to do, you know, I did this show but I did it went good. That was my first weekend and I just kept You know, my you know, and then I did a commie central thing and in a netflix staying at 50 minute Yeah, a half hour commie central 50 minutes on netflix

But it was it started with with with jathon. I know everybody says it that festival doesn't matter anymore And I guess it does it. I mean it's not in terms of like I know a lot of people that never did it That are doing great better than me than there's but for me personally that had an effect Tim remember one thing. Yeah The tonight show doesn't work anymore, right a showtime special isn't working anymore Right an hbl special doesn't work anymore. There's a thousand things that are never gonna work unless But if you figure out how to make them work, then they work then they work great point great point nobody is ever

prepared for We all we all make mistakes with our goals. We go. I can't wait till I'm headlining. I can't wait till I get a netflix special what you prepare for is what you're gonna do with that netflix special I know 80 motherfuckers. I got netflix special right and they're still on ships, right? Yeah cruise ships They could be on a fucking a cuban missile ship that takes From fucking cuban in new york, you know what i'm saying is that Nobody really

Knows you have to be fully involved fully engaged And take every opportunity like it's your last one. Yeah You know when I say to you hey tim, you know, yeah, come down to the improv. I'm doing something friday Give you 200 bucks Yeah, you walk in there nonchalantly and you walk off stage and some lady comes up to you and says We've been trying to cast this show on see that's for the last six years and here you are right and you know like jesus If joey only knows how close I was to cancelling. Yeah, it's true like how close I came to order in that grand Yeah, yeah staying home and getting my dick sucked, but I went out and yeah something happened. Yeah, it's true

People really don't understand people don't understand that it's like you get these opportunities I remember the first time I did comedy and I the first time right before I did it ago Should I just put this off like maybe i'm not ready Maybe I'll do it next week and then I just said fucking i'm gonna do it And then it's like that was one of those moments where i'm like if I put it off then maybe I never would have done it And let me tell you what happened tim dillon for people at home jf l is just the last right It's the Montreal county festival. It's the most prestigious festival You could be invited to in the country and what what

Tim dillon was saying and what's going on is that 20 years ago you went up there And 10 people walked away with a half a million in cash Yeah, another 10 walked away with 200,000 in cash. Yeah another 10 walked away with 50 thousand dollars In a developmental deal which meant that they were going to develop some type of reality shows show around you The networks got hip They gave millions of dollars away to the wrong fucking people right and that business went down the tubes Right these agencies and these management companies started playing games Making up stories about lee sciat. He's going to destroy and then

NBC gives lee sciat a half million dollars and the kids got seven minutes Now the manager has to pull lee sciat aside and go do me a favor stay out of the three clubs Right, what are you talking about? But I just got a half a million. Listen Stay out of the three county clubs. Yeah, you don't want to be bombing all around town Staying staying oxnard as long as you can right as a matter of fact, you're not allowed in oxnard Go to baker's field We don't want to lose this deal. Yeah, I mean everything you think i'm kidding you Can you imagine tricking somebody so that your manager comes to you and says like in a way like

We don't want the networks the big three to see you what they're telling you is you suck And we got you a deal because we lied so go up there and hide before you fucking lose it Yeah, and you have to like you have to fucking so here you have this money in the bank now And you got to hide because you tricked everybody You did your best 30 fucking minutes And now they're bringing people to see you and they're bringing out writers and you're eating dog shit So now that goes the deal so now what happens you got a deal it went sour You were with a good manager or a good agent

So now when people looking you they're gonna go, what are we gonna do with them? Right? You already got a deal. They're already with this agency. So eventually they just they just now you're 28. Yeah Yeah And then they just stopped giving everybody the money then they said just to dried up They just dried up. That's now that's what people mean. There's no money. There's no money in it. Yeah There's no money. I had a good I you know, it was one of those things where it's it's your it's the first thing you do with teeth That was the first thing I did right teeth. Absolutely, right? So the first I was fucking walking around JFL I was looking at people. I'm looking at people people like your name. I think was up there that you're like

I'm looking at guys and I'm like these fucking people are working These guys get paid to do this for a living. There's no day jobs. There's no bullshit They got fan base people come to see them, you know, and then it's like and you you're looking And you're like, I'm gonna be in a root like these guys and me are at the same thing even though we're not in the same Place we're at the same festival, you know And you're like, I I hope this doesn't go bad and it that you know for some people went bad When it's sad to see because a lot of people got picked I got picked, you know Seven years in the comedy and I've been doing it every night

There were some people that got picked two years in because they were right because they were cute and they had a thing and they wore a hat Yeah I saw a few of them, but it was rough and they make you follow like the old bond. Yeah, and it makes you follow somebody who's fine. Yeah, you're like Yeah, so that's it. I mean, I saw so I saw people go out there and dance, you know, and then they the You know, these are like, you know, macho people macho the people that go to that festival. They're somewhat savvy Comedically they've seen comedy. They kind of they're they can be good audiences. They could be a little rough But you they're they're not gonna do like bullshit And so a lot of people went out there and they just were trying to stretch their thing

It didn't work and then you just see people that had some real rough and then it's rough I remember one guy walked up stage. I said, hey, good job, man And he goes, no, it wasn't you fucking know it wasn't I was like, uh I felt bad because he was right and I shouldn't have said that but I didn't I didn't know what to say It's okay. Good set man. He's like, no, it wasn't he's like, you know, it wasn't I was like, uh, uh It felt bad, you know is what it is, you know, but again, this was a good looking just good looking guy who just clicked checked all the boxes And went up there and just had a rough time

But I went up there and I had a joke and I remember when I broke them It was on my second joke I had a joke about pop of the show undercover boss And I was I was saying these fucking demon CEOs go undercover to like fuck with their employee Like it's not enough you working a shitty job. You got your boss Make it, you know, fuck what you want television and like and then I was like and then I was like And then I think I stopped in the middle of my joke and I said, I mean the CEOs I said not network industry CEOs. I say you people are good people, you know I said everybody not in this room not you guys but the other people I did and I just started to be me

Like I broke out of the joke a little bit and I just started to fuck around with them And that's what they were and and and that was so then as soon as that worked Then the rest of the set was confidence like Okay, I'm just gonna do what I do In a bar in the Lower East side of Manhattan when I don't care And it just was it was it just went really really well really really good You've done great for yourself. I mean you've uh, and you've made the right moves

calculated moves Yeah, I love when people come out here to dry. Yeah Yeah What do you want from me? Right. Yeah, I'm out here to dry. What does dry mean joe? You came out here on nothing Yeah, well, I met yeah, well, you know what it is. Yeah Let's start. I when I when I I came out here on all that I met my my producer My collaborator this guy Ben Avery who makes We were sitting in his garage one day and we were like, what can we do that's funny

Because you come out here. You don't get spots immediately. It just doesn't happen You know, you get a spot you drive to Irvine. You try to bake. It's feel I did all that, you know You go to in and out on the way back on the way there. You go to Taco Bell on the way back You do what you have to do to uh, you know the the covina you go here and there, but you don't there's not a lot of spots So we just started making these videos and these fun youtube videos that we put on instagram and twitter where I would just say Wild shit, you know, and it would just you know, like the week rosanne got canceled. I said, I'll be rosanne You know, I'll be fat and racist any dinner. I'm like, what's that show even about? She's fat and she has dinner It's the whole fucking show I'll do that, you know

And then we just started making these videos And then we would go and we would take this desk and we'd put a desk in front of like jolly big And he would film me and it's just like we were having a ton of fun doing it in front of the wall Yeah, we'd put what yeah in front of the pink wall all these instagram people and it was just a way to kind of Get funny out there without waiting for somebody to call me and go. Can you come to the improv at eight o'clock? You know, which which happens now, you know But it's I was out here at the beginning and then I started just coming out here so much that when I went back to new york It felt like I'm on a vacation because you know, I wasn't doing the videos in new york. I wasn't doing anything in new york

I was You know doing stand-up doing my podcast, but I'm like oh when I come to la we can make these videos we could do this crazy shit that's really funny and And it was you know, that was really really helpful And so that when I did when I did roguin when I did joe's show I had some work where people could look at it And because it'd be like, you know, we had a great conversation He's like people were like who is this guy and you could go to my stuff and they were go

Oh, this this is this guy's a lunatic and he's funny and I like that he's Out here. So that That was great that I did I did and I you know, obviously joe's been amazing and she shared those things and everything But that's been just trying to keep up with like all right. So we got to be funny on instagram now We just got to see we got to be funny here. That's okay. I'll think of what you guys have That I didn't have right right. Okay. When I came out here in 98 you waited for commercial auditions

And you waited for theatrical auditions, right? That's what you did all day And if not, you met three guys that uh, it's now a hindu place It used to be a chinese place right across from rock and roll routes Yeah, I know next to the laundry mat in the russian market. There used to be a chinese place We used to take over the room nine of us. Yeah, and we'd throw our ideas off each other. That was then Now you don't have to have a boring day. Right. You could make a video every day. You can go do something crazy Go do something crazy. Have fun. Yeah, you can schedule a podcast at one You can schedule a podcast at three, you know, if you have that time

There's so many and you and they're all going towards the same goal and you could do it Listen, you could do a podcast a big youtube guy. I was talking to a comic in new york the other day I said you got to do this guy's podcast when you come to town He's a youtube guy and the guy guy guy said to me because i'm not doing a youtubers podcast and i'm like you're stupid You're a stupid man. I don't understand Why because that's the other thing I love about la I did you know, logan paul's podcast me and logan paul is nothing in common But he's a nice guy. He's a fun guy. We had a great time. I met him at the ovan show I got fans from doing it. He's a good dude. I like the guy

Why why ever put yourself in like a box and I love new york to death But I think sometimes guys in new york They're obsessed with the purity of it and i'm just going to do stand up and i'm going to stand you on this stage until I'm dead And it's like no you gotta you gotta go out there realize it like Yeah, other there's other people out there. There's other mediums out there. You might not like what they do Who gives a shit who gives a fuck to give you the opportunity they give you an opportunity You have audiences and what happened was new york used to think they were the shit la

Has lapped new york and only in comedy by the way, let's not get excited. I'm not talking city to city Let's not get excited You know, but in comedy la because they were first with the podcasting They went they went big with that. They understood that and and you know more about that to me Maybe it was because it was less station. I don't know but new york guys now look at la and like these I'm going to be honest. I might get in trouble right now for saying it The greatest comics in the country right now are in la right now not not always

Right now The guys that are the best and the guys that are coming up and are kind of Paving the way are in los angeles right at this moment That's crazy. But the best restaurants are in fucking new york. Don't fuck with me on that These restaurants should be burned to the ground firebombed Not all of them joey, but some of them joey, you know, they should be 86 percent. Don't get me This is a neighborhood

Yeah, fucking death. Yeah, people have no idea. Yeah, right. We had an interesting conversation a couple weeks ago Did you act eventually go to wait watches? I didn't go to wait watches. I should we had a great conversation I should try I I want to try it people have had success with it Because I got all these photos. I did zany's I got all these fucking photos of myself I don't want to look at all these people You look good. You look good. That's very sweet. That's also untrue. But I appreciate I appreciate it I appreciate that. Well, you're looking from here on maybe So, but you know what it is when you're a big guy, it's all about the way the camera hits you

Because when I when I put myself on my jacket, I look okay. Listen, I stopped looking at myself in 1990 All right, I stopped looking at myself in 1990. Yeah, I get yeah in the mirror now at night I see grandpa from the months And I laugh for five minutes. I'm like all this shit that doing nobody's redoing grandpa Right. I would kill his grandpa. You would be amazing if he was r-rated because grandpa was a nut Downstairs makes him chemical. Yeah, those some people. That was a good show People forget how good of a show that was when he when when Evonne DeCarlo, yeah used to tell him grandpa

Put your fingers off because he used to light his fingers on fire. Yeah Threaten the bird Grandpa turn your fingers off. There was a thousand episodes that show. Yeah, why I laughed my ass over that's at the point It's just so weird how you And I gotta tell you they all know it. Yeah for the first time in the history of entertainment The entertainer has got Everybody by the ball. That's true

There is no excuse to beat now back no more agents are losing money about what color you are What nationality you are? I don't want to hear none of your excuses. I'm too fat. I'm too skinny. I'm too ugly If you really want it in today's world. Yeah, all you need is that fucking phone Twitter instagram YouTube yeah, go to work. Build the empire do whatever you want to work, bitch Put your money where you're mounted. Yeah, stop blaming it on. Yeah, my agent. That doesn't call me. Nobody calls me Well, you know, there's a lot of there's a lot of younger guys. I think in la That there's just this idea

That they're you know owed something like someone owes you some and it's like growing up in new york I would go to Broadway shows you would walk by a black gospel church And you would hear somebody on that stage who was more talented than anybody That's getting paid money to walk in his stadiums right now. I mean just raw talent raw natural talent, you know I would go to Broadway show I'd see somebody and there was a play called the ferryman that jim gaffkin told me to see three hour play I mean three hours, you know It was about irish family about a bunch of drunken degenerates. I related and it was just so good So good and nobody and listen to some of the actors had careers

But a lot of them no one gives a fuck So coming from new york, you you realize that talent isn't always rewarded with anything But la because it's hollywood and gla and glaring people think that like they're like, hey, i'm kind of half decent at this Where's my maserati and the house and it's like, what are you nuts? Like it that's not what it is The new that's why i'm happy that I came up in new york and I kind of grew up there and I saw that because it's like You realize talent isn't enough You gotta fucking hustle because there's so many talented people in new york. They're just they just atrophy. They fail

You know, but I should go to I should go to weight washers I should we were talking about it. I was It was just interesting because I I've for the last 20 years since I moved to LA I've struggled with weight You know, because your focus is so much into comedy. Yeah, your focus is late night eating That's also there's not a lot of stuff that makes you happy in life. There's not that's people don't really nobody just talks about that There's just not a lot that's makes you happy There's not uh

So, you know, it took me I knew I didn't want to die from being a fat fuck. Yeah, that's why I I don't I listen I made decisions early on. I didn't want to get shot. I didn't want to die in the prison okay I didn't want my girlfriend finding me on the floor from an overdose of cocaine and we're all gonna die from a heart attack or Smoking from this reefer I've been smoking or the edibles or the pills we did for years

I just didn't want to die from diabetes too. I didn't want to lose a fucking foot. Right, right Okay, I didn't want to go out that way. Let me pick. I'm gonna pick my way I know I'm gonna go out. We all know in this room. We're gonna go out, right But pick your own way. I'm gonna go out. Yeah, okay. Do you really want to go out in the fucking hospital? You know, because you fucking didn't want to stop eating in and out burgers really, right? That's what you're fucking telling me that you want to go out in the fucking hospital Do you really want to have to pull up your shirt once a fucking day? And shoot yourself in the fucking stomach crazy when you're on the road and whatever, you know

I I saw Ralph he may come in here and I saw the lump on his neck From where the that that that shit that gets for these quarters all was he that big from eating No, no, he was that big from fucking from ice skating He I see it so much. It's just hard to imagine. You know, I know it's what it is. Yeah, a rest in peace Ralph. He may rest in peace It's great. So Neil. Yeah best rest in peace, you know, our diets are not the best And then we add our sleep habits. Yeah That's bad too to the diet and all that so

You know like 2009 No, I think 2007 I walked into Weight Watchers. I had the balls It was embarrassing, but I finally realized that This was the best part of my week. Right was going to Weight Watchers and Fucking going off Like the ladies started accepting like go off in there because going to Weight Watcher meetings Seemed boring on paper, but they're very funny because you're gonna start getting frustrated Because you're gonna see people that are you right people that go

I don't know what happened last week Every one of my meals I eat bananas and I still gained eight pounds. Well You did something wrong. Yeah, if you ate bananas every meal And I walked my action points and I still gained eight pounds Yeah, you want to reach over and smack up, right? There's people who go and they'll actually lose six ounces Yeah, like they'll say I lost six ounces the last two weeks. Oh my god You know, there's people who go and they gain weight and they'll go I could do the food, but I need my glass of wine every night. You're like

Are you this fucking stupid? What so the system is points the system is points and you based on your weight and everything Your weight your age you get you get points you get points. So you get 41 points a day Okay, okay, you get 41 points a day, then they give you 50 action points In case you go over the 41 Now you look at me going Joey. What's 41 points? Okay 41 points means that if I get six scrambled eggs Scramble them up pull sauce on them

And put black beans on and eat them That's zero Wow That's zero. Wow If I take four chicken breasts and put it on my grill and put salt and pepper on them and Whatever and get a couple white rice with red beans or protein The only thing I'm paying for is the rice the chicken and the beans are free. Okay Seafood free

Piece of salmon would match. What about I had a lobster benedict this morning with on the english muffler with the hollandaise And the side is cereal with strawberries almond milk and a little pastry. You're done Here's my question for you Joey. You're done. Because like we have we have a similar talk Can can Does any of this really work unless like you're ready to lose weight? No, you're like it works If it works, we don't know what to you have to do you have to eat chicken and nutty bread and right We all know what you have to do, but it's just making the decision

Does it work if you Nothing works if you don't want listen, right? Nothing that you do half ass is going to gain any results in life no matter what you do Whether you play the flute whether you suck ass holes Right, you got to do it a hundred percent. You got to either go on with everything you got it. Don't do it at all You know when I went into weight watches, I wouldn't they reluctantly But I kept an open mind and then I learned it's not even a diet. It's just a lifestyle right, okay, so my breakfast right now is

One piece of wheat toast two eggs and two pieces of bacon every morning And I was sustained off that and I smoke weed Yeah, I smoke tons of weed when I get up to make me eat those eggs right, but you know, I know different cheats Right, so give me a cheat bananas. Oh, so two bananas and an apple. That's a cheat You know, that's a little cheat move to hold you over You can't put fruit into a fucking milkshake. That'll kill you Right if you make a protein shake those protein shakes. I make it two points If I eat those eggs and I make a protein shake at 11, I'm good till two o'clock. Right. I'm just buying time

You know I'm saying that's all you're doing and then you learn how to eliminate To make more points. Yeah, like when I first started drinking protein shakes I would use eight ounces of milk Which is four points or whatever the fuck it is Uh quarter scoop of non-sugar ice cream and the protein powder So the protein shake was essentially nine points, right Guess what that protein shake is today two points interesting

I I turned the milk into water and still putting the ice cream in it Right, and then I eliminated the fucking ice cream. So you can you can if you stay on the points 41 points Everyone gets 41. No, no, everybody gets different according to your weight and then they give you 55 extra So right now it's fucking sunday. I start again tomorrow and I have Right now I have 26 action points left now. What's an action point? That means I could do whatever the fuck I want Real means of reality. My wife is making chili For dinner. I got 17 points left

I could eat those 17 points and I could go to joe's Pizza tonight. I have three slices. Oh my god because I got till midnight to eat them Interesting and you're still on your plan. Yeah. Yeah, the thing with me is I'm very light with it So I go between 290 and 294 I'm happy at that weight like I'm happy. I would like to go down to 240 You know, so that's the quite. How do you get to 240 you day? Remember when I first walked into weight watch that was 418, right?

Of course, you know, I was 418 And then you just it's not a diet. See that's the the word So it's a lifestyle. See I did the keto thing for a while. It worked, right? I did keto because I want you to do something you're able to do on the road every day. That's hard And that's where we want that. That's what I tell people. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna do the carnival diet Okay, so that means you're gonna eat a steak for the rest of your fucking life three times a day And a piece of salmon, right? That's what you're telling me, right? It's everybody got something

You know, if you live at home and you're jenna jackson That diet's gonna work for you. Right because you have people cutting shafts for you And doing that. I'm gonna do that The no clubs diet Wait till you get the zany's and it's one in the morning. It's true. What are you gonna eat? I'm on my third show tonight. I mean, do you have any almond milk in Chicago at three in the morning? Yeah, man Wow, yeah, just punching the fucking mouth. I had three shows saturday night between the second and the third show

It's like you got to do something. I didn't there was no food around so I had a banana and four Oreos And two Marlboro lights and I you know, I don't smoke but I I smoke occasionally And you know, that was my snack was putting four Oreos A banana and two Marlboro lights and that got me through the last show, you know Fucking I can take those 26 points. I need Oreos Right, I can go get Oreos and say how many points is each Oreo and eat Oreos. I do all the time I got a donut once a week for six points. Yeah, I got yum yum donuts in the fucking system Damn, so you can go into the system could yum yum. No, that's the other thing. How do you see what points?

What is it? Oh my god, you go to a restaurant. They have it So I go to Weight Watches and say I'm going to PF Chang's right and they got the menu there. Oh, wow Put in and out burger like my celebration for Weight Watches Like if I if I when I used to go to Weight Watches in Hollywood My celebration was Monday Sundays at nine. I would weigh in I always weighed in on the day. I knew I was gonna be in town I always weighed in you don't want to weigh in on fucking Friday, you know, you're gonna go out Thursday night. You weigh in in front of everybody

No, you weigh in when you walk in right you give the chick your card. You sign up for six months Right beep you give the chick your card. You it's not like it's 19 fat people watching Yeah, that's what I thought it was. No, that's what I thought it was Where it's like you got on the scale and everybody's just staring at you like you fucking lied to us The computer's a scale and then she'll type it in and she'll go you had a good week and then you buy fucking Sugar-free brownies or whatever they have they always have snacks there that I take on the road. They're good. Yeah That's so at night. All right, and then you'd learn how to prepare

Tim Dillon, you're going to fucking Chicago this week, bitch. I know you're gonna eat a beef and sauce the same I did it so bad. Yeah. Guess what but guess what right? But give me do me a favor from Monday through Wednesday behave Behave eat the six eggs scrambled. I don't give a fuck eat the chicken breast Get a salad. Listen these people. Well, if you're gonna eat a salad You put the salad there. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right. I'm sacrificing everything right, you know, I mean That's an alloy with tomato. Nobody's fat. Let me put my fucking booties dressing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take the five points for the booties Because I mean lettuce and tomato on you. It's not that it's not the thing I was when I nobody wakes up in the morning

And says, you know what? I think I'm gonna have three fucking salads today because I really want yeah, I can't wait to get my taste on I can't wait to see how that lettuce is tasting today. Right. Right. Let's you go to dan tanis You're gonna dan tanis is good. Get the fucking house salad. I like lascala salad. Oh my god Lascala's got a good salad, but then you follow it up with this spaghetti the cognac spaghetti with the shrimp You gotta watch all that. I know. I know. I'm sorry. I go to Danny tanis with my wife And everything is seafood. I open up with I love so I fill up on the seafood, which is everything is zero Right shrimp cocktails zero, right crab cakes four points. Nothing. Yeah fucking fry calamari's a killer, right, but

That and this and then I get the salad so by the time the fucking steak comes You don't even eat it. I eat the steak. I pay for the points on the steak Yeah, but I filled myself up on the salad and the shrimp cocktail, right So it teaches you How to fucking prepare for the week. Yeah, you know, how are you gonna go to new york? I'm not gonna eat a fucking egg roll, right? Okay. I'm gonna eat two egg rolls So in LA from monday through wednesday, right? I'm gonna be good. I'm with me. It's like if I go to new york I'm gonna eat a bagel

Would like smoked salmon 11 11 points. Yeah salmon is free. Okay, but it's fish bagels 11 Don't only six. Yeah bagels a beast bagels a beast bagels a bad thing a bagels a half a loaf of bread It's really bad. So bagels are 11, but I love going this place. I get you know, wait cream cheese The 11 does not include cream cheese. No. Oh, yeah bagels. I do a fish spread It's baked salmon a white fish And I place called sables on the upper east side smoked fish Oh, that sounds nice. The best and they put salmon gravlox on it. You know, I mean, it's you tomato onion

Potato locker you throwing there Nestle quick all that shit is free chicken and fish are free. Have you know Have you gained weight since you've been in LA because I know you walk along I've lost weight I was doing really good and then the holidays came and I went off the rails. I went off the rails I was doing really good I was heading in the right direction and I and then I went I went off the rails a little bit because I was in New York for a little bit over the holidays and it just kind of to LA

I was okay. But then New York you use a lot of carbs. It was a lot of friends. I hadn't seen in a while comedians Everybody's going out to dinner. Let's go to dinner. Let's do dinner. You want to do dinner? You know, you'd be doing two dinners and I'm not I mean, you know, you because we're out to 1 a.m. Do a comedy every night at 12 30 people go. Let's go. Let's go to the diner And now you're eating again. You ate it It's six or seven now you're eating again at 12 31. I mean, it's just a recipe for fucking disaster You know, you don't go out to a diner at 12 30 at night and order a you know, chicken salad I mean you order mozzarella sticks you're getting you know, a bacon and cheese sandwich

Maybe you're getting uh, whatever, you know, whatever a grilled cheese bacon a tomato french fries You know, I mean, whatever it is. It's a problem My diner my to-go diner grown when I was living in fucking jersey. Yeah, my to-go diner was the Berkshire diner And I love one in there especially on Wednesdays because that cream of turkey soup. Oh, that's great Well winter night and cream of turkey soup and fucking jersey. We wouldn't snort coke on Wednesday Yeah, you'd have the respect for the soup. Fuck. Yeah, that's how strong Wednesdays were Dude, cream of turkey is a sleeper a sleeper. It's a sleeper if it's done. Well, it's a fucking it'll change your life And they had a thing. I see this is the reason I can't don't do that

listen right now, I'm really much saved because Ever since Ralphie died it really woke my eyes up like tomorrow. I have to go to a knee doctor at 11 30 See if I get some guy about dry this in my knees, right? The other thing is it, you know You're young now. Yeah when you're 55 and you're a comic we climb a lot of stairs You go one of the comedy clubs. You walk a lot a lot of airports So I've already had two knee surgeries And tomorrow I'm going for arthritis. I love to sit here and look you in the eye and tell you it's because of my athletic performance It's because you're a fat fuck right right. I'm a fat fuck

So now I gotta go deal with this arthritic thing. So that's why I say to you start it now Yeah, I'm 35. I gotta start you want to start it. I went to weight watches in my 40s And it was phenomenal. I'll tell you now that at 57 if I drink water, I gain weight Really like I have to watch everything. Yeah, and I know that I do a lot better like if I'm hungry now I do a lot better if I eat a steak than if I eat a banana milkshake Right like any sugar now. I'm done sugar is the devil sugar destroys at my age right now who joey dias is today I could if I take one of mercy's candies at night like if I walk by and take two of a star bus I get on the scale the next day. I'm getting the pound right but I could eat a steak and lose a fucking pound right

So these are the things you learn by weighing yourself every day and you know It just Last week I was talking to somebody about sleep. I'm important a couple years ago. I loved Joe Rogan podcast Yeah, I'm Stephen Tyler made me realize how lazy we were Stephen Tyler's 73. He's fucking doing and things a day. He's killing it. Yeah, but he had a guy on there about sleep A guy. Yeah, I watched that about sleep. I watched that and that's part of our problem You know we get back at one that bullshit in the old days Tuesday through sunday you have five days of radio

You're going to better three you're getting up at six for radio right that destroys you. Yeah All many so many aspects, you know, I saw this this thing with Mick Jagger on on Netflix oh la oh la oh la. I don't know if you're a stone fan and the guy asked him do you Are you upset that people mob you and come up to you and ask you for pictures and he goes It's all part of the gig right it can be a better friend to ourselves Is also a part of the gig. Yeah, I didn't know that I wanted the road to rogan Go on the road to rogan when we get that level of discipline

I'm the first time he called me and go. Yeah, let's go to the gym. I'm like, what are you talking about? Ha ha ha like we're on the road. Yeah the gym. We're outlaws. Yeah We go when you go on the road to do drugs to get std right and to fuck and fuck people You don't go on the road to be healthy, right, but he's amazing. Yeah, you just healthy and after a while I watched them I would avoid them Yeah, I started avoiding them for breakfast Right because he would make me go to the gym and then go to eat. Let's go. Let's go eat. Yeah, you know what? Let's go to the gym. He's he's eating eggs

And I'd be on the fucking treadmill right and he's walking throwing weights around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I think I did like four times. I'm like, I'm not doing this no He said to me he goes he goes just cut out carbs and sugar. I go, oh But he's right. Here's the thing. He's always right It's just to say to a guy me cut out carbs sugar. It's a tough thing to do. This is why I like Wait watch, right Right, this is why I could go on the road And eat honestly, right? I love the hotel breakfast when I get up because a cup of oatmeal's five points

Right and you shit nice coffee and you go back to bed like I said If you if you if you ask the guy for a four egg scrambled eggs With two pieces of wheat toast your breakfast is two points, right? So you could eat heavy for dinner and you could that's why I like weight watches, right? Because it's not about carbs It also forces you if you want to work out and it has a meter and you could put your points in there So like this week at the guy of 48

Workout points my goal is 61 But I'm 57 years old. Of course and heavy weights. I go. I went though. I went to a boxing class Right, I didn't go to my Saturday class because I didn't feel too good So I didn't want to go to tempi this week and have the flu You go to some of these schools and the fucking doors are closed and people throwing punches and you're like, what the fuck It's flu season, but it's cold in LA, right? So people don't open the doors these weeks. So I don't want that shit So I just worked out at home. Yeah, I'll get it. I want to go to your I want to go to your meeting wherever your meeting is I want because I'll go to that now

I go to meetings when I go In studio city. Yeah, I'm gonna check. I want to check that one day nights at six I want to check that out the next Monday. You gotta say two fucking words there. Yeah, I'm not gonna say anything I'm not saying I'm not saying I did learn you and you learn I just want to observe and see what this thing is I have such an aversion to cults And I know this I know it's not a cult. I know it's not a cult But when I did weight watchers, I think these fat women in the suburbs who are full of shit like

My mother and her friends were like you can eat whatever you want But you got to be accountable and they would never, you know, and it never made any sense I get by my fat aunt being like I can eat cake, but then I just have to have water It's like that's not how it works you idiot But I I want to see it and observe it and see what it is Accountability is everything. It's like me telling you it's like you telling me the aunt is 37 Right. It's great. Show me the work right And that's that's why I enjoy it because yeah, I'm I'm account. I like being accountable

Yeah, if you go to my house right now or you go to my office, there's a little notebook with monday through friday Monday through sunday. Do you pre do you pre cook any of the meals or no? No, you don't do anything. Okay No, no, no, no Did you ever try to lose weight when you were single joy? Yeah, was it harder? No, okay. It's all the same. Yeah, it's called pushing yourself away from the table That's true. I was an expression they used in jersey. It's time to push yourself away from the table

Hey, that's the best exercise. There's no single no married. No nothing If you want to get healthy you push yourself away from the fucking table 100 they used to call it two things when I was growing up Flushing it's time for you to flush Yeah, that meant you're getting a little big. Yeah time for you to flush. Yeah, and that means you get like four pounds And it's time for you to push yourself away from the table. Yeah, you know, I love food, you know But I avoid desserts like I took my wife's Cuban food the other night. Yeah, I got the fried bananas I got the pork chunks. I paid for them You got to pay for them. Right. So I had to eat like fish for lunch

Right, and I had yogurt with fruit for breakfast. So I prepared for that. Right. So I prepared for that, you know I don't want to die in the whole town room g no in some fucking town Yeah, you know, I'm like you would do york is you know that means being from new york Yeah, I bust people's I bust people's balls. I must leave balls about with dead up here after nine o'clock. I'm kind of happy Right. I'm kind of happy that we're dead up here after nine o'clock. I can't go get a fucking open steak sale Yeah, it's good with onion rings. You can do that new york so easily, you know, and new york is gonna go to cheeseburg at the lux The fries with the fucking gravy. Yeah, you get it all get it all Mozzarella cheese you get anything you want. I'm gonna just go home to die. Right. I like it's nice. LA

There's no you're gonna drive me off and one day you're gonna get a sandwich in new york At three in the morning a beautiful turkey sandwich with everything and you know chips and stuff And then you can't do that in LA. No, you can't do it. Which is good. I I like that too I'm happy because one night you hear about your deals. What happened, right? Fucking he had a heart attack last night. Come on. I was we dropped them off at 3 30. Yeah, we went to eat Yeah Yeah, that's why he died Because you went to eat. Yeah, where'd you go? We we went for steak sandwiches at a diner

We got the extra order of fucking steak fries and then we got them because I used to get a milkshake Yeah, there was a time when I would get the cup of the bowl of turkey soup This isn't uh, this is when I was 20. Yeah I would get the bowl of turkey soup the open steak Ah, I mean, is there anything better than that? No, it's really not one garlic roll or some garlic bread With a little butter on it. Yeah, it's just staking on top. Yeah, there's nothing steak fries And then you get them fucking. Yeah, the mozzarella cheese. Yeah, fucking gravy. Yeah, they brown the cheese Yeah, and then bring me a soda the whole time you're drinking a coke. Yeah, fuck water. I didn't drink water till 10 years ago

I swear to god I swear to god I didn't drink this shit till 10 you the one thing the one reason i'm alive I don't drink soda. I think that's the one reason i'm okay is I don't drink I don't like anything with bubbles. So I don't drink soda. That's my thing and I don't really eat Like, you know, I don't eat shit like chips and Candy and garbage. I don't really eat fast food, but I do but I will eat food

I will eat a bowl of pasta. I will eat a dessert. I will eat something I shouldn't eat, but I don't eat like Chips and snacks. There's no snacks. There's no none of that shit. There's no salty snacky bullshit But if I go out, you know, I love bread I love seafood, but there's something about seafood and bread When you go to restaurants, they put the shrimp cocktail on the table and they put the crab cocktail on the table And a nice warm loaf of bread. I feel like a fucking guy that just got off a boat And i'm just eating the bread and eating it. I don't know what it is, but there's something about that combination It's great. And then, you know, then you're like, oh, fuck

You know, this is why I like wait watch is also I was watching Tom Popp on Conan. Yeah about 14 16 months ago Yeah, and he just got into making bread. Yeah, he makes a lot of bread He makes great bread and he brought a loaf in here one day And he said something he goes, you know what man, I think that at times our country is uh Has forgotten that we're put on this planet to have a good time, right, you know It's okay to eat that piece of bread, right? When I go to dentinas or whatever, you know, I'm eating a piece of bread

Right, I just prepare for it. Prepare to make sure I go to kickboxing that morning. Right. I do something to earn it Yeah, it's make sense. Don't man. And you feel better about it. You feel better about it. Yeah Nobody's telling you not to live. That's the other thing that I don't like Like that. I don't like anything. Well, I'm gonna be a juicer. What do you want to do when you're in Syracuse, New York? Yeah, you're not doing you're a fucking tell me where they don't have juice Right explain to these people. No, no, no, I did marry couple. I live with when I first got into comedy Started juicing and they used to do meth And then they started juicing and they did it the same way they did

I think you go back to meth because this is disgusting. They drink warm Disgusting foamy juices and that you know, I still want you to live, right? You know, it's my birthday in two weeks. You don't think I'm getting a carvel cake From ralph's. Is that what you're trying to tell me? We got fudgy the whale. I this motherfucker You don't think I'm gonna get a carvel cake if we got fudgy the whale and me him and his brother I had a whole fudgy the whale ones. You don't think I'm gonna fucking get a carvel cake. Yeah to celebrate It's the best. I'm dead. It's the best. Yeah, I pop it into fours. Yeah Yeah, one piece is right 12 points

Yeah, wait a minute carvel cakes 12 points for a little tiny size I was about to say we're gonna get one in the car in the way. Oh, we're gonna eat in the car You're not gonna fudgy the whale. How many points is that bastard? Oh, that motherfucker'll set you off. Let me taste I was in brooklyn I was in brooklyn last year I'll even show you. Yeah, this is just I was in brooklyn last year shooting a soprano movie Yeah, and I mean they told us that we were gonna be in this one area for a week And we're driving, you know, everybody's driving looking at going. Oh, look at the varianzano bridge

Everybody's looking at it. You know, like I said, yeah, yeah, yeah tourist some people go to new york Yeah, tourist to look at some shit. Yeah, others of us go to new york the right Make a memory Fudgy the whale Look what I took a picture of Look at this motherfucking place Yeah, there it is the oldest carvels In brookside avenue and queens are some beautiful. Look at that place beautiful

I'm trying to explain to him. It's the best ice cream people don't understand. It's the best the soft serve is the best Look, look at this. Look at the flying saucers There's one carvel in la. It's his Santa Monica. Yeah, there's one. Yeah, I don't have one time So they charge me 450 for the cone. Yeah I will smack you 18 times in the mouth Look at this one. I found so this one was right around the corner. Yeah, I love what you're doing this Yeah, that one was right around the corner from my trail. Oh, wow Do you understand that one day I sat there waiting to shoot?

I'm there for like three hours like joe bumpy in my trailer. Yeah Watching narcos. I go, you know what? It's time to smoke a joint. It was like four days. Yeah, they came in they're like, you know, I shoot until like eight o'clock. Yeah I love the fucking joint. I swear to god guys I walk out of my trailer. I look I see the Sopranos to make up trailer and this shit and there's a busy street I quit there's like one street you have to cross And then like 50 steps and you're on the main street

I swear to god guys, it's new york city. I don't give a fuck. It's brooklyn It's 4 30 afternoon. I sparked this joint I take a hit off and I look to the corner And it's like god said I got a present for you There was a carvel on the corner that one the second one not the old one from 1940. Yeah, the new one the new one I was like, Jesus lord I smoked that joint like a little fucking kid that they Yeah, it felt like I was just out of prison

Yeah, I just smoked this joint. I threw it on the floor. I had my soprano suit on. Yeah. Yeah. I walked down brookdale fucking avenue You're ready and I walked in there. I saw the fucking The flying saucers. Yeah, I got the flying saucers and the lady says to me Hi, can I help you? She was chinese the whole family were chinese A lot they they buy the carvel is a chinese they're very smart And now the two daughters will work. Yeah, they it's a very good culture. The girl goes, what uh, what are you looking for? I go, I want a chocolate milk shake thin Nice because what size I go come on. Give me the and before I said that I go hold down one second

and I pressed in Fucking it won't come in here because the computer's not working The internet will never work in here but I pressed in fucking Let's see if I'll get it. I won't get it. I just pulled it up actually. No, no carvel I always do a vanilla milkshake with chocolate syrup and crunchies Swirled through it. Oh my god, and I tell her I go swirl the crunchies through it. It's it's phenomenal Oh, my god, this bastard didn't like I looked at that when I told her

Give me the large before I said large. I looked down. I think it was 34 I think chocolate shake is 33 points. So that's your that's your day I remember I I said give me a medium Yeah, I gave me a medium and I didn't want to swell up for the camera or nothing. Yeah, of course 25 I basically took it outside and did this And I just drew it in the globby. Yeah, I've done that away from it. I've done that in there I've done that and they were like I've taken a cone

bought it Done like three or four Big big bite to the cone and thrown it out because I also had a milkshake That I wanted ball who the fuck that I used to get the double cone Yes, and the chocolate shake. Yes, I would do and then like a real fucking fat pig Yes, I would dump the cone into the milkshake. Let me tell you that's when you're a fat Disgusting fat body. Yeah, that's when I walked out one day. We call I had one day I walked out of carvel

I had because it was free was sunday day and they go if you buy a thing you get a free sun So I'm like, okay, and I walk out with one cone on one sunday I'm dunking the cone in the sunday and eating it and my friend who's who's who's outside rolls the window down and he goes This is bad And we started we both started laughing we looked at each other. We both started laughing so hard We I started left so hard. It was crying. You know, you're a fat fuck Yeah When you get sunday and they don't have your fucking team helmet and you don't give a fuck right right

Give me the st. Louis. Give me the Cardinals. Yeah, nobody can give me the fucking Toronto. Give me anything. I'll root for the Tampa Bay Rays I don't give me the fucking. Yeah, give me the fucking. You don't have the Yankees in a match. What type of place is this? Yeah What do you have? We have like but that's a grew up. I grew up like, you know, my parents were like Boomers and we were fast food generation of kids. So like we grew up on mckay And I remember I used to be a swimmer when I was a kid I was like an athlete from when I was like six years old till like 11 or 12 Every morning, you know, they you know on the weekend

We had a long course a free port long island My father got me out of bed because my mother was a swim coach You drive me to the and it was an olympic-sized pool and it was freezing and they threw you in the pool And you swam your ass off for for an hour and an hour an hour and a half practice swam your ass off These coaches would scream at your head down go go go go and then after that we go to mcdonald's for breakfast And this is this is the mistake, you know, my parents made, you know after that I go to mcdonald's for breakfast I'm gonna get a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and hot cakes And I would eat both of those things and I remembered and you felt good because you just swam your ass off

And the reward was you had that that flaky bacon egg and cheese biscuit And and and the hot cakes and mcdonald's has the best pancakes for fast food Pancakes nobody, you know, and then that was like that was the reward I remember after I swam in my swam a mile when I was six years old in the bay And this was like a big thing of my town. They had races every summer and I swam a mile After that my mother took me and four other kids. They were all older, but they swam it too. We went to this ice cream parlor in valley stream called ikkens and they had the socket to me sunday It was just 14 scoops of ice cream at every fucking thing they had in the place

And they just threw it all in a fucking ball and they just they slid it on a table of me and these four other kids just went That's how we we grew up going. You did something good. Here's food. Here's food. Here's a ball of ice cream Here's pancakes, you know, my grandmother was irish woman who learned how to make meatballs in brooklyn from an italian lady So my grandmother made the best meatballs in the world You know and and you know, it was one of those things like when when she had a A pot of meatballs the family liked each other and I'm from an irish catholic family of alcoholics, you know So but when there were meatballs on the stove Everybody was like, let's put it to bed for today. We can fight tomorrow. We can fight about whose fault it is

We don't have the mortgage tomorrow Today we got meatballs. So food to me was always like and then my uncle Was the director of operations for a big steakhouse group in new york city smith and woolinski's All these big steakhouses. So when I was a little kid, you know, we weren't we were lower middle class But we got to go to these really nice new york city restaurants and eat the shrimp cocktail and the ribeyes And like you got to see all this real good Food and then so to me going out to dinner became like the fucking luxury item because that's when you're poor Your luxury items a nice meal. I can't buy a maserati

I can't go out and get a house in malibu, but I can go get a nice dinner. So the whole thing It's it get it, you know, you integrate it into your life is like a thing, you know And it's it has psychological components too, you know the whole thing It's very weird what we do tim dillon. Listen, man It's been a real pleasure. Thank you. I've been watching you. I'm gonna go. I went to I went to goth them a couple years ago and I heard Your name and then I remember I think stanhope retweeted something at yours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah me laugh Yeah, and then I heard you were moving outie and you've done everything

Perfectly, you know, I appreciate you're on the conveyor belt. I don't have to tell you I appreciate that it's a matter of whenever the fuck you're ready to blow the fuck up. I appreciate it. Thank you Uh, you made me laugh my ass off today. Yeah, I've never seen nobody else get excited as carvel is I think you and I the only ones that take pictures. We're the only one to take pictures of them and tweet them out I was I'm by the book like like my wife always say, oh, yeah, we're gonna buy this cake from uh, yeah photos. Yeah, it's fine, right? But we're still getting the carbell cake we get ice cream There's nothing better after a party than a carvel ice cream cake

Nothing nothing. There's nothing, you know, that's uh, I went to I was very excited again. I'm a fat fuck Yeah, I was here when there was a uh sabrette truck in front of sag. Oh, wow. I was her only customer She'd be out there smoking Marlboro red. I'm not these other prexied octahons. Yeah, that's funny But I would spend 35 hours. Yeah dogs are 450 a piece right because you got to ship them out here Yeah, it's a whole thing So I still remember going eating sabrette dogs, you know, and I still remember them going there's a rumor in LA what? Uh carvels come in the town and I remember getting in my car and driving all the way to a century city. What is it called? Avenue the americas. Yeah

I remember pulling in there happy as a pig and shit And walking in there and getting up another cone just to try it. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna go and then go all out right and then realize this guy's a fucking shimook right right And then I realized he was a shimook Yeah, I realized the cones were 450. Yeah, and it was an investment. He didn't really love Carvel like no So there's an indian lady in there now. She's a little better in Santa Monica. Yeah, but they don't love carvel either They don't love they don't love carvel. No, they eat goat hooves

Prey no, they don't love there's a dairy queen up here in the valley. You need a fat guy from long island your coach is a baseball team 100% that's he I don't care if he's a pedophile Doesn't matter. He's gotta love carvel. He makes the cake the right way sexual assailant But he's keeping his powder dry. I'll take my daughter in there. I'm all right I'll take my daughter in there I'd rather have him working Yeah, arab dude that don't even know what he's doing. Yeah, they don't why are you fucking making me a locks? Come on, right, right? You're an arab. You hate june. He's right

Are you making fucking locks in new york? And what you would eat it from you? Yeah, i'm cuban right and I wouldn't buy a locks from you. You're fucking arab Yeah, I got nothing against you. Yeah, but you shouldn't be fucking making locks. Yeah, you know, you're not at all with those people Why are you fucking what are you doing? That's uh When I first moved to the valley my wife and I didn't have a child And friday nights was date night and we would go out and lurk into the valley and one night I'm no fucking internet. My wife found the dairy queen. We didn't know that there was one in burbank

Yeah in the mall But there's one you got to drive like a fucking 45 minutes up there And I remember going up there and there were foreigners and I remember I got very insulted because I knew it was an investment. It wasn't something that they grew up saying I want to buy a carvel Right, like I want to buy a carvel. I'd be but I know I would be broke Yeah, and I'd be a I'd be you know, I would die and bro. I could I would love I could tell you I don't have a crystal ball But I can tell you what I'd look like if I had a carvel. I had one of those little bicycles

Yeah, both my legs would be missing You'd be on a scooter and you'd be happy I'd one of those people in Atlantic City Yeah, well with a tube in my nose. Yeah Between the reefer and the ice cream. Yeah, I just fucking killed myself put yourself in a coma Yeah, that's it. I would be I would put myself on a car like I would call wait watching the listen Give me a point system dedicated around three meals around carvel. Yeah. Yeah, like three ounces of another ice cream for breakfast Fucking syrup that type that shit is like you can't you can have it every now and then like like like the few times a year

You know because that type of points you can't you can't just that can't be regular didn't ben and gerry Die of a heart attack, but both of them. Maybe not so like one of the ice cream stores They died of heart attacks, but they they ben and gerry's still alive Uh, yeah, I think they're still alive. Um, yeah, they're all going that way They're all going that way, but I'll hey, I'm gonna hit up a meeting with you monday one one monday. Let's go just for I want to observe I'd like to go To where to your weight watchers made. Okay, you got one monday. It's monday's at six. Okay. You let me know It's very light. Where do you live? I'm a west hollywood a few blocks from the comedy store

But I would also love for you to do me a favor. Yeah, I go there Yeah For you to go to you know, you go when you type the zip code Yeah, and it tells you the closest one. I want you to hit the 10 o'clock. Yeah in hollywood on south and listen on sundays Our process was we go if we lost weight me and rick ramo's we were partners Yeah, he was my partner in it So it's a lot better if you have a friend and you go when you make a deal with them, right? If we both lost weight, we were allowed to stop it in and out

Right because we get out of a meeting at 11. There's nobody there now Right right there in hollywood right there by the show hollywood show outlet. Yeah so I would uh, we would go then get a single You're allowed to get a single cheeseburger with half order fries and a diet coke at 15 points So we would split a fucking order fries Get a one patty cheeseburger and split a diet and each get a diet coke, right? That was our Reward reward. Yeah, you know, so there was always a reward even if we lost a pound

We went in and out. Fuck it No, we put it down our points, but right, but it was since you talked to me I wanted to talk to you about it, but hey What can they find your brother tim j Dylan? D il on on instagram Same handle on twitter tim dylan comedy commas on my live dates or we're announcing a tour You know, you know, I think this week coming up like a 35 city tour Very busy this 2020. I'll be all over the place. We'll come back and promote. Yeah tim dylan show

Is my podcast on apple and youtube and everywhere Podcast do you do a week? I do one from patreon and then I do one for you know, it goes out every sunday for Everybody and then do you still do the crazy videos? Oh, yeah, we do them all the time We got one coming out really soon. Yeah, which should be really fun. And yeah, we do and we do like one a week We're trying to do one a week. Sometimes they pop big. Sometimes they just say, you know, it's get a call following but We see what happens. I appreciate you. No, I appreciate you taking the time brother. Thank you so much You're doing it, right you andrew schultz is a part. There's a handful of you motherfuckers that I'm looking at you. I'm wishing you nothing but

Success, but I don't have to wish you why I appreciate that. I appreciate you're on that path I appreciate well, it's because you guys did that and paved the way for fucking guys. I got so I appreciate it I didn't pave the way for We're all criminals. It's comedy. We're all criminals. Yeah. I just kept getting on stage. Well, I appreciate it I just kept getting on stage. Yeah, that's the way it is. You know, everybody's got a success story Everybody's trying to buy youtube friends. Yeah, get on stage I just wanted to make enough money to open up a mortgage brokerage. No, no, no, me and you're gonna open up a car Bell right there. We're gonna go back to island city

Open up a combination car bell weed shop suicide fucking We won't even judge it. We know how you're feeling. Fudge you the gun. Nothing. He's not even Not even a blow job feels as good to you as a car. They'll shake nothing. Nothing better than a car For the small 35 I appreciate it. We'll just drop you off at the fucking long round express parkway up there by that ice lip fucking airport Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, MacArthur. Nobody goes to that. Nobody knows about small airport in long out southwest or fly It is one flight there. It goes every day to disney world takes a bunch of fat long out of the fucks at disney world

That's the whole reason the airport's open All right. Thank you so much. Thank you very much Listen, I want to tell you, uh, don't forget tempi this weekend. All that's available. It's thursday night. You fucked up Thursday night now 10 o'clock. That's all you got and then the uh, i'm at treasure island in The 27th of february with my man dean del rizzi, but listen Time waits for no man. Now. We're not getting any younger even the moment lisa is starting to get all fucked up So do me a favor. There's one part of aging You don't have to deal with anymore and thanks to him. That's hair loss

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Delivered right to your motherfucking door. Listen do me a favor. Have a great monday See you guys wednesday or thursday the rest of you motherfuckers I'll see you thursday night at the improv in tempi stay black. I love you and have a great day Thank you tim dillon. Thank you. Thank you christ killer uncle joey slashing out of this motherfucker I gotta take two steps to the rear and get out of here later Thank you