Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #765 - Joey Diaz on Following Your Instincts

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how following his instincts helped him overcome his self doubt, his fear as a young comedian, and how much he has changed and adapted over his 20+ year comedy career. This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.      

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The second you understand me. It's a brand new day a brand new week in a brand new month Tell me it doesn't feel like Christmas was yesterday. I Does it feels like Christmas was two days ago and it's March 2nd number one I want to thank everybody who came out to the show in Vegas Friday night. Thank you very much for supporting us Dean Delray and Freddy Correa were great Freddy Correa didn't disappoint in Dean Delray and it's weird how Freddy, you know, you do I had a weird I Just turned 57 guys, so

For a week, I was walking on clouds, you know, I think you could have felt it if you watched the podcast Maybe you couldn't for a week. I was walking on clouds not because I was happy. I was trying to 57 But because I couldn't believe I made it to 57 and the funniest thing about that is that now What I didn't see happen to me I'm watching in front of me happen to kids that I met 10 years ago on a joke I had a one-man show and I had an open mic or I met them at it the improv doing a spot or Or in Santa Barbara or I like I met Freddy and Reno Seven years ago or something he opened for me or something and then he we talked a little bit

He wanted to further his career and he moved to Vegas and he chases it He's got a house and a wife and a day job. He starts his day job. No, yeah, you know I mean this guy chases it. So when you watch people grow, it's And you're growing at the same time It's kind of weird. It kind of you you like man. I'm getting old Me and Freddy worked seven years ago six years ago and Reno five years whatever the hell it was. It's so weird our For a week. I was I wouldn't listen birthdays. I don't care about birthdays. I stopped caring about birthdays I was 13. All right, it was just

It's a truth. I could care less people having birthday parties and you know, let's meet me at a restaurant. It's 730. Are you crazy? It's Wednesday. I got time to meet you at 730 kids could get third and 50. I'm not one of those people. I care less but It was just weird that that that for some reason I never thought I'd make it past 50 and now I'm 57 years old and You know, I haven't had like what do you call that a men at 50 have a midlife crisis a mid-life crisis The only midlife crisis I've had is watching you people with your expressions on your faces I'm up on stage Last night. I had a spot at the store Saturday night. I had a follow Benji Ruffalo

whatever his name is who I think is hilarious and You know, I don't think they were prepared for me. It was so weird how they were not prepared for me I wasn't a weird spot in the lineup Adam put me up at 845 which is like It was just too early for me like a for you know, like Dracula don't come out on midnight like that's Like I'm safe after 945 at the store a 45

There's still a little ripe for me and I went up there and I wanted to try new jokes and And I I didn't do the best set of my life But I imposed my will like I let it be known that I was in the room They didn't really take the ride with me too much on the way home I felt happy like I was like, oh my god because It's tough To understand what the mindset was with Mitzi sure I don't give Mitzi sure enough credit all the time because I Didn't realize the power of Mitzi sure till after I tape my Netflix special

I heard everything she told me throughout the years hit my fucking head I'm gonna tell you guys a funny story that a lot of people don't know that me and Ari were talking about sunday morning Do you know that in like 1995 she threw the industry out of there What do you mean? How could she told the industry to take a hike? So like any agents so you understand like people at home that don't understand think about if You have people who control you at work You know how like you have bosses if you work in a cubicle or you're a plumber or whatever the hell you are

You have a boss and then he has bosses, right? Like she wouldn't let those bosses come to the job site Like she told them no comps for industry if you want to get in here you pay like everybody else So it shunned the industry away from the store. So for years if you told an agent or a manager You know, I'm doing a showcase come see me and they go to the store They go now we're not going down there and then make up an excuse That they have dinner at the improv do it at the improv call them when it's at the improv And that was because in 95 she threw them out

In 99 she threw them out again Because they were going to do the show called the night of a thousand Guido's Domareira and all these people were going to come and they wanted to set a hundred A hundred seats aside for the industry and at 3 30 she said fuck you you're paying for tickets People were livid Like comics were crying the whole thing but That was missy

I asked the one that I go. Why don't you want the industry here because she goes it creeps you guys out And I was like it does she goes. Yeah creeps you guys out when I shot the netflix special I realized she was right. It creeped me to fuck out It creeped me out when somebody When you feel Somebody has control over you like you creep. I don't know. It's the weirdest feeling You know, I learned to get up on stage in front of her That was horrible for me

That was horrible guys. You have no idea how horrible that is. That was the hardest thing You had to do in your life in those days When you were on stage and you saw her walked in and she sit down I would die. I would die right on stage. It's like a couple weeks ago Lee went down to San Diego or his mom and they were having a good night And Steve Simone was very nice in the ass lead to open up the show And before this for the last three weeks, I have been laughing at this by myself because I know

I tell you guys that If you're an accountant or a banker Once somebody comes to you with a problem, you've been doing it so long. You could figure it out You could tell them the answer just with just from listening to what they're telling you, you know Lee calls me up. I got how'd you do that monday night? He had gone up at the comedy store. He did great I think it was a tuesday or wednesday. He went to la joya and he said he did the same set But on the way up there's something happened on the way to dance when he got to la joya Lee was already his mom was in the audience

He's ready to go up on stage and the guy was playing the piano. He's singing songs Right the guy just sits there for an hour la joya and between you and me you want to shoot yourself He's the nicest guy in the world. I love the debt. I've known him for 20 years 20 plus years He's vicky bobblex husband, but he's up there playing the piano Oh, that old black magic got me in his spell and after 20 minutes you want to shoot yourself You're like, why am I listening to this bar mitzvah music for So anyway, he plays the music. He does a great job with it. He really does. He's playing the piano He's like a one-man band

And every once in a while he brings his guitar player friend who lives in the street days from dying from cancer Was he down there that no no just playing the guitar He's got like a guitar friend that looks like he's three days away from chemo. Like he's done He just even the chemo threw him out there like listen. We can't do that witch This guy's a relic and he's up there like Playing the electric guitar you think you're in a dream You think you're like I'm living in a dream. This is not Lou Lou lose the piano player the piano player. That's his name. So it wasn't Lou who messed up your name

Yeah, that's what i'm saying. I thought you were saying it was the guitar. No, no The guy's name is lou and he's and I love Lou Lou For years every time you saw Lou you're like Lou So lee's about to go on stage He's on the side. He's at la hoia comedy store. His heart is into it And all of a sudden lugo's are you guys ready for a beautiful night la hoia and they clap? Yay, you know Steve Simone's in the house let him hear it again Are you ready for a great night at the comedy store? Yeah

Coming to the stage mr. Lee swat Listen to me And it was funny because I always ask him how he did and he goes I did okay You know, I sucked. I didn't do good or whatever this time. He's like I bomped But then as the story got deep he goes Oh the guy called my name wrong on the way up to the stage right there. I knew exactly what happened He cracked him. He just sometimes you just crack as a comic You hear your name called the wrong and you can't figure it out because you

You already went through it with him 20 times what your name was. How do you pronounce that? How do you pronounce that? How do you pronounce that? Hey, look at my name is joey dears. You can't mess that up Yes, you can Go to utah montana Wyoming you will hear dialects of my name that you've never heard before Especially when I used to do those rooms and riverfront wyoming and all those Oh my god, I remember there's a hindu hotel that does comedy in wyoming

The nicest family in the world the nice and they run the hotel the hotel smells funny You can't wait to get the hell out of there was no late check-in Like this day stay my friend you could stay and you're like, I gotta get out of here the smell of your sandals Give me a headache the whole hotel got the corona virus Because the smell of the sand. I didn't even know what hummus smelled like. I don't even I don't think there was hummus then there were nice people and I still remember going up there and the guy brought me like Diaz

Right, like I knew I know this story All right, and you could sit with me for days and go, you know, I thought about it. I really didn't crack what the listen I've been there because I was doing comedy at that time about Four years and I had never heard my name And I'm all fired up. I'm about to feature and stuff and also the guy the hindu brought you up Like he he was the house emcee. Oh, and he was also the hotel the the front desk clerk You have no idea. This is what people don't know

This is what people don't know and you're sitting there going What and there's a bunch of white people in the room and he's up there hinduing it up like Coming to the stage And you're like, this is not happening. This cannot be happening in my life Why did I get into comedy and also in the guy called like just hacked up my name like, uh This man his name is joey The disease or something as soon as I heard this is It's like disease. I went up there and just died a slow death

I mean, I ran upstairs and packed my bags and I ran the hell out of that hotel I was I didn't even spend the night. Oh, no, I drove like I just like I couldn't get over the bombing And I couldn't get over the smell and him calling me this is Where did he get this is the diseases? So people have no idea how fear like You have to be so Cool to to cover up your fear Like I am constantly I'm scared every like I was scared in vegas to the point

Why was that? I was I was having the heart palpitations in my room at seven o'clock. Really? I swear to god friday night in vegas guys. I was having the heart palpitations But you know what that means that means I care That's all that means that I really care that I want to go up. I know it's las vegas I know people bought plane tickets. I know people got rooms. I know people going to other shows I'm one of the many things they're doing and I don't want to let them down. I swear to you guys friday I was a mess at seven o'clock Because the show started at nine. I couldn't wait to get that that show

Started I took my heart was pounding so much. I didn't eat dinner I took blood pressure medication And I doubled up on an aspirin I'm like, I'm not gonna make it tonight Jesus I was like, I'm not gonna make it through tonight. This is too much So I got up about I went in the shower

And guess what I did I walked around the hotel like but on the 28th And then I walked the stairs to the 29th floor north. Oh, I walked downstairs to the 27th floor And I just walked around I didn't think about the set and then I met security upstairs at the quarter to nine They're like, where are you coming from? You're not in your room. I was like, I was downstairs in the lobby No, I wasn't I was walking around the lobby scared because if I went down I'd see people right and they'd stop me and

She was walking around like the hotel room area. Yeah, like the room was like a fucking pizza Like Bobby Weinstein with a con. You know what I'm saying? Oh my god I'm walking to the hotel. I went from the 28th floor To the 27th floor to the 26th floor and then I walked back up to the 28th floor And if that wasn't gonna kill me nothing was because I hate stairs more than anything in life, right Stanley? I fucking hate stairs. I didn't take the elevator up I forced myself to walk up the stairs And my anxiety went away and then once I saw dean

And the club manager in security Then we had another long walk And that helped ease my nerves a little more. It's amazing How fear plays into my world and how you know What you guys don't understand is for years. I try to teach my daughter my daughter has a problem around dogs Guess who had the same problem? I did and I try to tell her that

People read fear people really read fear. I learned how to not I was always scared until this day. I'm scared But when I used to walk around the Bronx when I was a five-year-old and a six-year-old I was petrified Like I was petrified. I was like a kidnapped I was petrified to get hit or somebody hit me with a car Like I was always scared of things that you shouldn't be thinking about but the thing I was scared of the most was dogs And I would react funny to dogs. So because of that fear the dogs. I always got bit And I couldn't and I kept I

I started getting bit by dogs when I was around four And it went till the age of eight How how many times do you get bit? I probably got bit Without exaggeration. I've tried to count it. I got bit on my face I got bitten the leg once by a doleman pension. I got bitten the leg again by a dog at Sacred heart school for boys. That's when I was really scared of dogs. He just came up to me In those days, you know, and this is how fearful I was A dog would see me from 30 feet and he would feel my fear

And he would run up to me and bite me Jesus, that's how fearful I was like the dog would read my fear And just run up to be and bite me So that's the type of fear I had So somewhere along the line at an early age I had to learn how to control my fear from within from inside Like my heart would beat and I would get crazy and that dog would read my fear And he'd come up to me and in my business. I can't be I can't let the audience know I'm scared

You know by the time I get there and I get involved and I smoked that joint in the green room And I talked to the club manager and then I listened to the guy in front of me doing comedy Then the field levels down a little bit every every Duh Every show for me is different how much fear Gets into the show and now at this point I welcome it, but friday's fear Was the worst I've had since tonight That I had to follow morgan murphy at the store

And I told paul to go up in front of me and he said why and I go because I'm having an anxiety attack And he just looked at me like I was having three heads And it goes back to to mitzi shore and everything we were talking about earlier but just to The fear I had I had to contain it as a at a young age And I still have the same fear like you know then my mother died and all this stuff happened to me But you don't think I had fear when I walked into that prison You don't think I you know

I've always had fear and I've always learned how to control it But I've always learned how to flip Like I've always learned how to flip it Into self-confidence Even though I don't have any self-confidence Somebody gave me Shit like three weeks ago. They sent me like a facebook thing. They're like, why do you always post? Disgusting things in the morning like sayings and stuff

And at first I got a little offended But then I took the time I said I don't have the time to explain to this guy why But since he asked I should tell him When I wake up in the morning When I open my eyes and I walked to take that first pee of the morning I can't tell you I wake up like I'm waking up in a world that Like the world got Like we got a bomb dropped on us the night before

And I didn't know when I wake up in the morning. I wake up very scared You know, I remember when I first went out into a real world how scared I used to be Like when I used to have to go to work or have to fill out job applications Or I'd have to anything in that realm. I was petrified when I first got out into the real world like 16 17 and a half once I started like Getting a job not delivering papers and other that stuff. But once I started like, uh Once I lost the lumber job And I had to go into the real world and do all that stuff

I used to be really fearful Because I had no self-confidence had no high school diploma. I had no no no college education I didn't have anything and I'd be really fearful and for me to Make myself go to those things or to go meet people or to even do something like what made me Walk into colorado mountain college when I was 18 years old with no high school diploma And sign up for classes and I lied on the application. Do you have a high school diploma? Yeah, you know Yeah, like they didn't even check it out in the 80s Like what possessed me to go in there because I was so fearful

And I wouldn't dog when I go to those places. I don't say a word Like I don't say a word like I'm not funny. I don't try to be funny. I'm just happy that I'm in there that my fear Uh that I overcame my fear to go into those places but part of my point was from 18 to 25 Even so in my 30s my early 30s dog. I used to have to say things to myself To fire myself up and those things are what I write in the morning Those things I write of the fire me up. Believe it or not. They defy me the hell up

When I get up in the morning and I and I pee and then I have my coffee and as I'm thinking about my coffee I'm like, I already have fear about the spot. I have to do that night Like that at 8 30 in the morning. I'm already fearful. I'm like, oh my god. I gotta go to the store tonight. Oh my god. I gotta fly to You know columbus tonight. Oh my god. I already have fear like this fear is in me So I have to say something to myself I'm not the type of guy to look in the mirror. I don't want to look at myself and go you could do this So instead of doing all that stupid stupid bullshit I just say to myself as I'm going in this shower like, you know what?

Somebody's gonna have to suck my dick today Like playing in simple if I get up to go do this. Somebody's have to suck my dick. Somebody's got to pay me Somebody's got to fucking pay for this shit. I'm going out there to get my fucking lunchbox back All those things I say to myself would overcome the little fucking fear I had That's the part at the bottom. The hard part for me is I have fears but like I don't Like I I guess I don't know if this is what it is But to me it seems like like myself was steaming so low that like I if if if if someone else isn't

Motivating me or if the thing isn't motivating me me saying that stuff to me doesn't motivate me I'm like, who am I to say that like like I don't even like I don't believe myself when I when I say that I don't believe myself either, but if it gets me out the door Right, I don't believe myself either guys But if it gets me out the door, that's all that matters If I could lie to myself and convince myself that something good's gonna happen and gets me out the door I don't care about anything else. I just want to get out the door That's what once I get out of the door. I figure it out once I get there. I'll figure it out

It's getting out that door that used to scare me To death like a people. I know a lot of people Who think because this is all it is it's a thought That you lack self-confidence It's just a thought That comes through your mind. How do I know? Because I experienced it for years when I was a young kid. I experienced it. I would walk around my head down you know

Right that that's no self-confidence You'd walk around looking at the floor. I wouldn't look around then I got hit in the head with a lunchbox and you know, I got beat up a few times out of the a street and Then you'd learn how to you get self-confidence. You You know people always go, oh, you know, you I don't have a self-confidence to go up to women You you can't you can't even think about it Women like aggressive men. Yeah, they'll tell you no, but they want an aggressive man What's aggressive that you go up to them rip their shirt off? No, we're not savages here

Just go up and talk to them go up and say something that somebody else wouldn't say You know, they've already heard all the lines, right? They've already heard, you know All the stupid pickup lines if they still exist. I don't even know pickup lines exist. That's how old I am I don't even know how to pick up anybody. You know, whatever pickup lines still exist. I don't even know But tell them something that they've never heard before Blow their mind with something. I'm not talking about going over and trying to be Shakespeare Or trying to drop like some lines from a doors movie or something Go over and be yourself

What do you have to offer that person a ton in your head? You don't think so. I don't think so So bless you till today. I still sit there and I'm like Why do people come to my shelves? And it all goes back to getting locked up and you know sleeping in a rocket ship it goes all back to those feelings No, because I go up there and I put my arm on the line I go up there and I say things that I normally wouldn't say in front of people That's why you're paying because I wouldn't say these things. This is somebody who's in that was taking all my brain No, this is why I am

The person who you want to hear you wouldn't pay 25 dollars to go see Do you know what I'm saying? Like the person that you want to know I gotta be me. I gotta go up there and be you know, so much has happened in the last 18 months That that's what excites me so much in my life And I'm not talking about accomplishments. I've had no customers the last day I'd have had one really really good accomplishment The breakthrough I had on my stand-up comedy and it took me 25 years to break through

What are you talking about breakthrough? What are you saying joey? You're you're you're what are you saying that what I'm saying is I don't care about the tickets sold I don't care about the shows. It's what I do on stage that what matters If you notice, I don't sell shirts or shows I don't want to do nothing at a show The only thing I go to do when I come to your city Is to give you the best possible show I could give you people get mad at me when I go Oh, you know, I got this podcast if you can swing by bro

I didn't come to fucking cleveland to do a fucking podcast I'm coming to cleveland to do four shows and all that's on my mind Is fucking you motherfuckers up. Will I fuck you up all four shows? I don't know I don't know but I'll tell you what I'm going out there in the back of my mind To fuck you guys up because it doesn't matter. I pulled the way the safety net The safety net disappeared three years ago. I think after I shot the Netflix thing All that stuff went away because everything mitzsche sure had taught me Since 1997 to 2004

Came back to me and that and I and since then I've lived on what she taught me those last Those seven years of seeing her Every sunday every other sunday, you know every third sunday I'd see her and she'd make a note about my stand-up Plus she'd drop a gem on me And you know what? I didn't believe in a lot of her gems today Everything I do is based off her teachings to me and stand up everything I do No more thinking about what I know. I went back to her school of thought

Which was to be an animal on stage You're not performing for them. You're performing for you You're going up there to knock it out of the park Don't give them what they want. Give them what you want and explain to them Why it's funny Explain to them how it crashes and collides with your world. That's all that matters to me I don't want to sell CDs after a show. I don't want to sell t-shirts I don't want to go to the rock and roll hall museum. I come to your town to fuck you up for those four shows

That's all I'm focused on in the daytime. I go to you You know, whatever one of your restaurants, whatever you have to offer that's something different I try my hardest always to go to one of those places But at the same time My focus is on resting so I am prepared to give you a hundred percent And that's how I remember telling me. What do you do on game shows? Oh, I go do this and she's like you relax when you do a show that night I want you to collect your thoughts when it's a big show

But when you come here, you're coming here to work out She goes, I want you to be off the cuff more when you come down here Or say your jokes, but I want you to say them out of order Force yourself to say them out of order So you're always working about a different level like sometimes your opener will be your closer Just she always taught me that stuff and I wouldn't have confidence in doing it But I'd listen to I do it and it would work And I see myself now I've been saying this for months on the podcast to Lee

To whatever because I see it. I know what has to be done Those little bar rooms that we hate as comics all those little shit rooms that we hate as comics They have to be done and you'll feel them not now But you'll feel the difference in 20 years When you're at one of the three major clubs when you're at the comedy cellar in new york When you're on stage And you're controlling the audience like moses made the red part c You'll you wouldn't you're not going to think about

Your house or your car or your family When you're on stage, you're thinking about what gave you the ability to part that ocean like that To make people laugh, you know a couple of weeks ago Two or three months ago you went into the show with Jesus trail and you came back and you were very very very impressed You were very impressed with what he had done. Yeah, and I said to you that It's it's it's a it's a thing that goes off in your head. You know my daughter mercy goes to bully buster. She goes to And I look at the kids in there And every week I've been looking at these kids for the last 18 months every

Monday and wednesday And friday i'm there with my daughter. I'm there with her on fridays. I'm not there if i'm out of town But obviously if she's got a class i'm pretty much there watching And I don't You know, I go to the watcher not to be a fighter or whatever. I just go to the watcher to support her I'm not one of those parents that's going to drop your kid off and go run errands. I don't go there to Uh, I don't get on the phone when I take her there My attention is on her and I look at the other kids and what they're doing

And it's so weird how I could tell the kids That have it And even though they don't have it today They got something. I'm gonna I could tell you that Sunday the switch is going to turn there's a little boy in there with glasses. It's a cute little kid For the 11 months that kid messed up The coach would call him up And say do this technique and he would do it and mess it up

But I could tell on the walk back to his seat How sad he was that he got it wrong I would watch this kid and I see how sad it is How sad it was that he got it wrong and when the coach called him again, he tried again And this time it'd be 50 on and 50 off and he wouldn't have it But I could tell on the walk back to his chair Whether he was happy or and there's another little boy in the class and little boy would always beat him And that would eat him alive. I would see if that would eat him alive

And I remember one day touching his head, you know, because his mom is nice His mom just had another baby And I remember just touching his head and telling him one day this isn't a click And you're gonna become a savage. Well, guess what it clicked It took like 16 months for this kid for it to click He is a savage now He's a little boy. Now, there's a new little boy in that class that's like four. He just turned four He's the most beautiful little boy you have seen in your life

This little kid throws little weak punches and little faggy kicks But I'm telling you right now that kid's gonna be a killer in 10 years Why? Because he's gonna put it together You could always tell the people that are gonna put it together It's not gonna happen for you overnight And this happened listen, how do I know? Because I still remember

starting comedy in 91 And in 96 seeing people More comics would talk to me And the word on the street was and then it was Doug Stanhope Who told me the story? I bumped into Doug Stanhope in 96 in Seattle 97 one of those years now. I think it was 90 It was new year's 96. So it was the summer of 96

I bumped into Doug Stanhope And he immediately remembered me and he started talking to me I had had a brief encounter with Stanhope in 91 at the broker. Listen to the years. I'm telling you guys. It's 2020 In 91 I met Doug Stanhope when I was maybe Into comedy Maybe eight or nine months And then Stanhope came back maybe a year later And he came back as a headliner and now I was doing comedy maybe 18 months

And he stayed on my house I invite him to stay over the house and I was divorced and they had a night off Comics always had that week sucked. That was a triple one that sucked because Tuesday was Boulder Wednesday, you had off but Thursday you had Craig Friday you had Pueblo and saturday you had Colorado Springs or something don't quote me on this But there was always that Wednesday night off If the comic was cool on Tuesday night Any of the two comics I'd say hey, what are you guys doing tomorrow?

And they're like nothing. We're gonna find a cheap hotel. Don't worry about it. Just stay at my house So I would open up my house to tons of comics, you know, I remember I Some I remember Some I don't remember some of them are dead some of them are out of the business some of them, you know Whatever but a lot of guys used to spend the night at my house if they were cool, you know Uh And they would help me too like they would give me leads From they were from or whatever, you know, it was a two-way street. I was learning about the business

I was asking them questions And they would give me answers So they got to get they got to stay for free and I got to ask them stupid questions all night about comedy How do you get good? What are the bookers? What's my next move? You know, and I remember meeting stan hope and let's say In two or three years, I think I was at the broker for Maybe two years no stream we did comedy every week

Except maybe the Christmas break. I don't think so. I think we even did new years that something Because I remember going wow I'm doing comedy two years and I'm doing my first new years like people are like you won't do new years Like five years. I'm like look at me doing new years my second year in the business. Oh, uh So you think all those comics? I had a I had a two bedroom condo and a couch downstairs So I would invite them to stay over So when I bumped into stan hope years later five or six years later

I remember getting off stage one night him getting off stage because we worked together new years 97 And when he got off stage he goes I heard a nasty rumor about you And I was like, oh my god here and I kidnapped somebody or That I went to prison at that time. I didn't really talk about that type of stuff. I was still very embarrassed about it And I go, what did you hear and he goes the word on the street is the host from the broker got really funny Oh, and I go really who told you that he goes. That's what everybody's saying on those triple ones That the host from the broker Got really funny over the years like when I was at the broker that I didn't have a chance

Like I tried I didn't have a chance. I still remember coming out with Cups I'm Madonna did a book table book 1991 or 92 it was 92 Madonna did like a vogue video And either some some something that she did had like cones I still remember coming out the vogue With two cups on my tits. I thought that was funny. So please guys Have patience and support your local open mics. That's why you don't open mics because you're supporting the future

Somebody must can you imagine that till this day? I still think about that and I want to take my car and crash it into a wall I came out the vogue. How many times did you do it? All you need to do that mistake is once that's true. Okay, you think that's funny and do it twice shame on you The good thing is I did it one time I came out the vogue and I would spin the cups around and then make believe I was dancing. It was horrible Leah was horrible And then when I got to Seattle, you know, I get my fourth year in I used to do this Spanish comedy show

I think josh will still has pictures a girl will come off stage and play the maracas And I would do comedy. No. Oh, please in between your jokes. It was like spoken words like No, she played the maracas while I was up on stage. Oh, no. Yeah, I called it like salsa comedy And I wore like a ruffled Tuxedo really puffy shirt yet and like the shirt with like a we go into a wedding Like that type of stuff. I mean guys I've done it all. Okay. You're not gonna come to me with no story about nothing. I've done it all I've walked down. There's no bigger loser than me. I have done it all

You know, I just I just remembered that because I I found like the I know a girl that has all that stuff I know a girl that one day she's gonna sell that stuff and make a ton of money She's got all the pictures of that my ex-girlfriend Of you in the shirt and the shirt Of her on stage playing the maracas with a white dress on I hope that if you went to those shows you never told people about it Or if you did see those shows in 96 and 95 in seattle, you just stopped thinking about it

You just got it out of your mind because dog There's why I go to tell you listen We all have something we want to do and there's a price to pay And the price is to put in the work and make a ton of mistakes and get called a fool and somewhere another breaking out You know, I can go on here forever At least you try I mean In some way, that's a good thing Because at least you had the balls to try it because all your all your goal was just to be funny

My goal was just to become a decent human being man My goal was I had been such a stiff For so long In 1995 at the age of 33 I had just gone through so much, you know And I was sick and tired. I knew what I wanted to do And I knew what I didn't want to do and I said, you know what I don't know anything to anybody. I don't have parents I don't have to impress anybody

I don't have to get a college degree. I don't have to do anything How do I make myself happy? How do I make myself productive? How do I make myself a good person? Like what can I do to stop stealing? What can I do to stop this drug abuse? What can I do that? Stopped the way, you know, I forgot to say I tried to rob somebody and I had been doing it for years What can I do to avoid all this? You know, the only thing I could do and to dive myself into it without thinking twice about it was comedy

Guys, I hate it working I hate it working. I hated arguing with you about money. I hated all that stuff But when you're a laborer, you have no leg to stand on When you don't know about some you have to know like to stand on and you have to pay your price before people pay you in society And I got it. I just didn't want to do it Like I understood that but that's fine. That doesn't work for me I want you to make me vice vice president of the company today and I'll keep working on it But I knew I was never going to be satisfied even if they gave me that

Because I had had that I had had a bunch of tone up. I had talked myself into great jobs That after a month of being I'm like, this is great But it's not what I want to do Like this is a great salesman's job This is a kush salesman's job or whatever, but this is not what I want to do. I did that 20 times lee I did that 20 times. I almost talked myself into being a rep for a pharmaceutical company with no college degree One of them bolder

How? Just a fake resume. Oh Jesus All all I knew is if I get myself into the room I could talk that guy in to give me the job That's what I did though Do you understand me? So that's what I knew But I still remember going to the interview and the guy asked me about what I studied me You know, that's why I asked you do people when you go to

You know when you went to editing jobs interviews if they asked you about college You know, look at what's going on in this country right now Because they push college so much You know kids are in debt this This college debt is so much but What it also did was it took kids away from going to trade school My buddy in vegas that I grew up with I've known this kid since the sixth grade

Okay We spoke Friday night I invited him to the show I left his name on the door because I thought he would come And he goes cocoa. I can't come to your show because I am so tired. He goes I cannot find help I go, what do you mean? He goes, I'm looking for a mechanic. I'm willing to pay him 45 dollars an hour And I cannot find the mechanic Because 45 an hour 45 an hour, but he wants a mechanically like an experienced one. Yeah, somebody who

I was gonna go to mechanic school today No an experienced mechanic Because there was a gap somewhere in society where everybody was pushed into college And nobody was pushed into learning trades Yeah And right now the country's suffering because a lot of people aren't there to fill those gaps We got a tons of attorneys. We got tons of doctors. We got tons of lawyers. We got tons of dentists But we don't have enough mechanics

You know and that take I'm not talking about you go on to school and getting certified in mechanics If you know anything about my friend His father owned the gas station on 26th Street when we were growing up on in union city on kennedy boulevard So he grew up into in it. You know what I'm saying? So mario could fix anything Like you give mario that computer and he'll fix it in three days In three days, there's people that have an aptitude for that So they go on my wife and I were talking about this the other day how In school when I was growing up they had auto body class. Yeah auto. Do you had to I took it?

Yeah, to fix doors or to be a mechanic. No, there was a small Oil chain stuff to be honest. I took it for like two weeks and I switched to video class Why because I wanted to do I wanted to do video stuff. Yeah, I knew it was gonna be for me You know, they used to be an auto You did watch out. Yeah, see my wife says that today. They don't have that anymore. Oh, I'm sure they don't I'm sure I'm sure they got rid of all of them. Are you serious because of the budgets? Yeah So my wife said that they don't teach that anymore. They don't have that on curriculums If anybody's seen that differently, please notify me on twitter. Maybe I'm talking out of place

Or maybe my wife doesn't know what she's talking about. It's uh, because I grew up in a very uh Rich town I was the poor kid in a rich town and I think maybe The richer towns might still have it because they have the budgets But a lot of most of those kids they don't want to do that It's it's looked down upon in a in a weird way But yeah, like now that now that you hear about it, like Wow, I could make 45 an hour

Being a mechanic a mechanic. That's a lot of money Because that a lot of people didn't go into that trade You know, it's like a family trade like that that attitude Listen, I got I got a flat tie by a new call You know My tie, you know, I got a flat tie. I'm looking for a new call Because I don't I don't want to change your flat, you know, it's not my aptitude I have zero aptitude for screwdrivers. I could listen if you put a gun to my head

I could cut stuff. I can measure stuff. I did it before for years I know how to install stuff, you know, if if you put a gun to my head But is it really what I want to do for a living? No, I don't know I saw people who were way better than I did and I had the aptitude. Yeah I know how to measure 44 through 66 cut it And put it up against a wall with sheet rocks or whatever I don't all with the years roofing and doing all that. I know little things. I know a lot more that I

Let you hunt like about different things because I haven't been putting that position in years When was the last time I had a roof or or do construction or dig out, you know, it's not in my world anymore I'm a comic. So I didn't have the aptitude for it It's not like I said, you know, we're talking about this the other day the other night at At the Las Vegas. I had a a car for a while One of those cars that you're supposed to work on like a hobby right and I got rid of it Like I sold and people like you sold that car. You could have made so much money I just wanted out of my life

That car was for somebody who on saturdays wanted to get up and go to the junk ship Right, they were going to get under a hood and take the carburetor out of another Kamaro and put it in that one You know, it just wasn't for me. I knew that I learned that those cars are for somebody who They go to the auto part store every saturday and they know I have a relationship with bill and you know, that just wasn't me But going back to it that was why I jumped into at 33 I was like, what the hell am I doing with my life? If I'm gonna do something I'm gonna enjoy it End of story

It's not gonna be about because for years, you know, you have your guidance council. What area needs more? What are they saying? Well, they're saying to get into this, you know We do everything in our lives We let our jobs control us because yeah, obviously we want the money But at the end of the day, you're gonna find out what makes you Happier is better than that money. You have to be happy doing it before you can make any money And for years, I didn't believe that Listen, I know a thousand millionaires today and they're the fucking

Angry about something. I don't know what they're angry about, you know Money doesn't buy you happiness, you know, but so Don't go for something that you're going for it if you're a young kid Don't go for it just because well, it's gonna make me money If you like working on cars tell your mom and dad. This is what I want to do What am I gonna pay? How many kids are unemployed? How much money can we have banks made on kids on these student loans? Yeah, and what are you gonna do? I mean if you could do it again, would you ever get on the college? No, yeah, it's it's tough because like

If you to get any sort of job you sort of need a degree but Not really who's gonna call Who's gonna call and check to see if you went to st. Paul the ministeroni Did you ever know that? It is funny people do get caught now, which I think is hysterical Um people actually called to see if you went to that college At a certain point it comes out at a certain point and that's something I wouldn't want to live with but it's also I think what you you talked about before I think is a smart move is

There's no reason to jump right from high school to college I was in a huge rush I jumped from high school to college and even took summer courses and I graduated in three years instead of four years Because I was I wanted to be out. I wanted to be in the in the real world making money and It's like what I got I had I don't now looking back. I'm like, what was my rush? Like and I liked video stuff, but What what I've learned

in 12 years being out of high school or something is that you can't Like the idea that you're gonna plan for your whole life at 18 is the stupidest thing It's dumbest thing in the world It's the dumbest thing in the world Even at 25. Yeah, even at 25 You're still not gonna know and if you know god bless you. I'm not saying that you're wrong in the field that you picked God bless you. I'm just but how many people pick a field?

And now they're stuck in that field and they don't want to do it, but this is all they know Yeah, you know Well, what if you pick a field and then the field like that happened my cousin my cousin went to school For film he went to Ithaca a very good school And two years after he graduated they switched from film to digital So his entire his entire four-year degree was gone and now he's a he's happy, but he's a high school principal now Because he had to switch So you got that something you got to improvise in your career too. Yeah, you got to improvise and jump

I mean, you don't know what day the day's gonna come I mean, I didn't like I said, I didn't know I sit here I'm going on 29 years on july 18th of Me going on stage the first time And I sit here baffled people I sit here Thinking what gave me the illusion that I could ever be a comedian

30 years ago And it baffles me It really does baffle me Like I'm gonna come up on a 30th anniversary. I couldn't do anything for 30 days I couldn't stay sober for 30 days The only thing I did longer than 30 days was time I You know, I mean I think about this stuff for 57 and I want to just cry like I want to cry

Because I can't believe I'm here I cannot believe I am here And not because it was a war or not because The people gonna know just the whole thing I do not believe or this seems like a dream like I'm waiting To get woken up by my mother to tell me that breakfast is ready And for me to go so lee was fake Yeah

Mercy was fake. Yep Colorado was fake stand-up was fake. Yeah, you not you didn't die. No You were drunk last night. You just slept 13 hours Like I'm still waiting for my mother to wake me up from this dream I think about that a lot sometimes like what if I just woke up and it wasn't real This has to be a dream all these people that I met It has to be a dream You know, I didn't believe it in 1982 that my mom was going on. I thought it was a dream with 2020. I'm still sitting here going

This is just a bad joke that somebody's playing on somebody Any minute now some kid's gonna kick me and I'm gonna wake up in that rocket ship From a hangover and they're gonna go wake up And I'm gonna go where am I and I'm like you're in north bergen on 88. She would you think you were North hollywood driving to the college store and I'm gonna go no I thought oh, yeah, that's what's gonna happen. I'm fearing that That this is just an all or 12 hour sleep Because this couldn't have happened

I never saw this coming. I never planned for this I never expected this At what point Like in the last five years, have you started planning for it or like At what point did this become a reality or is it still not a reality at all? You know, only I'm at home at six o'clock every night six six thirty Eat dinner and listen to my daughter say prayers And then three two hours later

I'm at the best comedy club in the world telling dirty jokes Talking to the best comics working today from bill bird and mark maren to Whitney Cummings to alley wong to tom sagura and I get my car. How do you think I feel? How do you think I feel like I just you know, I I could just call andrew dice clay I still remember putting Renting out the halfway house to watch andrew on new year's eve 89 190 or something like that. I still remember renting

The downstairs room conference room at the halfway house to watch andrew dice clay How can I have andrew dice clay's number on my phone? How can I just talk to him and ask him for advice like I do How can I just call him and ask him for wisdom like I do? I mean Are you crazy? This has to be a dream This is a joke either Either this is a joke that started when When my mother died or this is a joke. We're in 88

And I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna go to court this morning And I'm gonna go. Whoa. So wait a second. I didn't do this already Like I didn't do my time. No You've been sleeping since friday. You you do the three day of coke and you And now you've been sleeping. That's what I'm waiting for To be woken up and for them to say, hey, come on get up. You're running late for court What are you talking about? You're getting sentenced this morning Now for me to go, what about whitney comings? Who?

Right. What about joe rogan? Who? Who's joe rogan? My friend from boston the ufc What's the ufc? Yeah, like like that's what i'm waiting on any day now Yeah, like this. So there's not an octagon where people fight and people yet. What are you talking about? Like that's what i'm waiting on. What about the movie gladiator? What are you talking about? Russell crow when he stabbed the guy that that movie come out. What are you talking about? You're going to court in five minutes. You're running late

That's how I feel guys That's how It hasn't ever sunk in it I think the life's just playing a joke. I mean, I just went along that now at this point I'm just going okay. Yeah, it's like that episode of the twilight zone when the guy Rob is the bank and he's about to jump over the fence and he gets shot I haven't seen that and he lands on the floor and he and he wakes up and sabastian cabot Is dressed in white

He says get up. Come on. Let's go before the cops come and he goes. Who are you? And he goes i'm your guardian angel, you know, okay He takes him back to this hotel and he takes him to the penthouse and he goes you live here you know The guy's like, what are you talking about? I'm a criminal because you live here. This is your house You know and get get ready We're going to the ball tonight You know and he goes to this ball and there's all these hot women

He's taking three of them home a night He's shooting dice and he's winning at dice and And he comes home one night and pick the the guy is there and he tells him like Oh my god, this place is great I can't believe Uh, you know heaven It's so great. If I would have known this I would have robbed that bank 20 years ago and got shot This is tremendous. I'm having the best time of my life and I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not in heaven

You're in hell That's what I feel like Like one of these days some guy's gonna appear You know I was thinking about something that happened when I was a kid About two months before my mom died Santeria has like three different sectors Of it, you know, it has the the saints

It has the uh And it has this other sector that I grew up on call it peritismo And peritismo is the It's when somebody A certain time of the month Passes the spirit I wasn't too much into that That one was a tough one for me to women passes the spirit like

The spirit of potchukko comes into lee on the third wednesday every month. Okay, so me your father Your brother steve simone Eric Couple chicks we come over here And once a month you pass that spirit We'll play some music for you We'll put some Stuff on and all some will beg to the god to bring this spirit to pass it through you

And that spirit passes through you and it speaks to you to people That was the craziest thing I ever saw in my life growing up All right, but there was one particular spirit A lady that was a friend of my mom's that passed this spirit Like once every two months and stuff and i'm immersing Some to me once and talking to me and me sitting there going I can't believe these people believe this shit, you know It was creepy as can be till this day. I don't know right or wrong from it

It's something I don't like practicing once my mom died I never went to another one. I also said petty deep more things ever again. It's like a seance of spanish people Okay, but instead of with a weegee board It's like a person like a spirit comes into me and I talk to people And right before my mom died a Cuban lady lived across the street from my mom A big fat black Cuban lady And i'm very big called a goda that means fat in spanish And i mean on Sundays my mom would be cooking and she'd be in the living room watching Yankee games

And she could tell when the lady would Take the little off the pot and dip bread in and eat And my mom would yell back to like my mom had got great hearing and she was saying oh, god So La la la cosilla tranquila, you know, whatever the kitchen she would say that I forget what how you call a pot That's a son. You know stop eating that shit, you know Because she would dip and then she did all the bread then when the food came she would anyway once a month that lady passed the spirit Maybe two or three months before my mom died. I got home. I'm like, what the fuck is my mom?

What the fuck is her but the purse is there everything was there I'm like, oh, they're probably across the street. So I went across the street looking for my mom and sure enough The lady's there and she's got like white powder on her face. She's dark skin And she's got like this white stuff you put on it's called kakarilla It's seashell powder that they compact Okay And if they use a lot I use a lot at home to clean my house like the To clean the front door and on monday's I use it

But she had it like blown in her face It was like a black chick with like fucking dough in her face Like, you know, but when a baker makes and they have that powder in the flour She went and she was like I'm happy your ear your father has a message for you. I was like, ah And that's the last time I talked to that lady and my mother died. I don't know what that happened to that lady but the point of the story is that I still feel like I'm gonna wake up one day and this was just all the dream

This couldn't have happened Not where I came from not how low in the position I was in life. Here's what I think about though. Like let's say it was Would you go for comedy? Do you think? Like if you woke up it was a dream, you'd be like, all right. I know what I gotta do Oh, yeah, this this is definitely it, you know I mean, I'm talking about all those rooms. I did with rogan that didn't happen All those gigs I did with dunking and and you know, every time I opened up for paul mooney, none of that ever happened Me meeting rich and prior at the store never happened. Like none of that happened

Mitchie shore people would say like who's Mitchie shore if it's 1988 people like Yeah, I don't think the commie store came up open till yeah, it was open already. Yeah, it was open But I'm like what like who? Like what where would I wake up? at this point I don't really let's see woke up like going on going to court. That's what I think like this is just a big jump amen

That's how weird this is for me When I look at night at my daughter and my wife And I know I got a second chance to be a dad and I got a second chance of being a human being I can't believe it that life turned out like this I really can and I'm happy. I'm happy. I went for it I mean, listen, I'd be depressed if I woke up and this was a dream I'd be sad if it didn't happen then I'd have to live to make it happen I'd have to invent a Joe Rogan and invent a a burkreicher and invent a thomso girl like

But I just don't know. I just it's so surreal for me Let's see. Let's see what the hell is, you know I guess it's time to go see if you guys live in your dream. I don't know This has just been a Tremendous experience and I'm talking like if I'm dying tomorrow. I hope I don't die tomorrow Knock on wood, but it's the truth. This has just been and it's not Out of reach anybody could do this you know, I think back what

The purpose was of when you came to me and said, hey, I think you should start a podcast And what I always want to let people know is that There are no rules There's no rules I'm happy that I never believed in the rules. I'm happy that I defied authority I'm very happy I wasn't part of the status quo I'm very happy that when people told me what was funny. I didn't agree with them and say that is funny

I'm gonna watch every week because you watch it I'm very happy. I was the renegade that I was You know, I'm very happy that I didn't listen to my guidance counselor I'm very happy that I lived off my instinct You know, your instinct is there use it It's there for a reason Don't be scared of it and don't double guess it if your instinct tells you something

It's for a reason that that was put In your heart by god instinct will save you Thousands of years of misery, you know And listen, I put a lot of misery in my life, but my instinct got me I went through 30 years of misery I could have gone through 50 if it wasn't for my instinct. So Trust your instincts, you know, that's what they're there to tell you. This is not good. This is good

Be honest, you know, I was always very honest with myself in the beginning You know, we'll laugh and play about me coming out with the fake tits with the cups and uh You know me having the girl playing maraca. They were just experiments And and even if they weren't an experiment, I took something out of them I took something out of everything I did. I remember In 2000 After josh wolf got his deal

I was like, I'm gonna get myself a deal from doing a one-man show And without rehearsing at league Without nothing I Me I thought that I could write a one-man show one night Oh, no. Oh, yeah, I got tons of these I got tons of mistake stories And how

I there's no way for me even to explain that to people what's like to write an hour show in one night Oh, you should have thought you should have seen me. I thought I was uh, you know The guy that wrote the book about pal's angels. I thought I was like johnny author And then my cocaine deranged comedy I was still green. I was a regular at the store already and stuff. I knew the ropes But for some reason I thought I was gonna go tell this nitty this witty story At the hbo workspace and hbo was gonna give me a show So what I did was I took a but again

Listen to the story before you call me a retard because I'm calling myself a retard, but I took a sheet of paper and I wrote a story of a line for the sopranos I wrote a storyline of who big pussy's brother is I forget if I look I could guarantee I still have it It was a sheet of paper with a picture on me on the corner and then the storyline of what was my name I was like charlie bumping saro I had just come out of jail for 12 years. I was in a different crew

And now I come back and cause it was like it was like jackie aprile's character in the sopranos Right. I just got out of jail. I'm going to cause traffic So I got my manager to send it to the sopranos To send them like flyers like I made I got an hbo workspace in new york wasn't it? It was like an east village or something like that They had tapes So what they did is hbo taped everything and then they sent the to hbo in my fucking lottery ticket Creepy mind. I figured once they see the tape I get a call from hbo So I scheduled this thing I had just started dating terry. This had to be

Either august or september of 2000 and I I don't know if this is why her and I got married is because of this reason right there We were dating a month I was sleeping at saline in a host's house. God rest her soul She's the one who Ralphie stayed with For three months before Ralphie moved to LA and then saline followed In fact, I owe her son my call

I keep meaning to call them and saline had a house Ricky cruise from miami lived there Stacey book a little lived there another friend of ours that lives in santa barbara And I would sleep where whatever apartment was open In those days in the building jody had an apartment Gavin had an apartment Ralphie had an apartment and saline had an apartment

So anybody who and gentry had an apartment So anybody who was out of town there was always somebody out of town. That's whose apartment. I would sleep at So Ralphie was out of town. I'd stay at his bed for five days If saline was going to want to work to shoot I'd go to stay on her couch for three days If Gavin left the door open I'd sleep on his couch for one day, you know, it was So on this particular night, I was staying on saline's couch Terry had come home Because of those days we after the county store there was still people up

Right. So in those days after the comedy store too, we went we went out and we would still find comedy store people around We went to saline's house one night. We stayed there. My flight was like at 8 30 in the morning So I figured why go to bed Right. So we went back over there or some of us partied then everybody went to sleep me and terry stayed alone And we just slept on the couch like one hour when I got up I remember that I had somebody was giving me a ride to the airport already They were going to the airport or something right, but I remember terry asking me. Do you have money? And I basically lee had like maybe 18 dollars

And like two joints and like eight cigarettes And I was going to new york and I would get taken care of once I was in new york. I had friends that would give me money and But she asked me if I had money and I was like no And she gave me whatever money she made that night wait. You're seeing She gave me plus she gave me her cigarettes and she said she had changed at the house And that she was going to go to write the work Anyways, and she was going to sleep all day because when I got to new york, I never forgot that gesture that she did

She gave me every dollar she had Every dollar she gave me the whole thing in her wallet 66 dollars 42 whatever the fuck it was And she gave me a cigarette because of that. It's the reason why we're married today No, because I never forgot that gesture that gesture You know, this is a town where you tell a girl that you're broke. They leave you You know, you tell a girl you're broke in this town. They leave you She raised she put her hand down so

Nine years later. I said to myself, how can I not marry this woman? But anyway, it's monday The second of march and you got yourself a whole new church episode on a monday morning And that's it and that's that i'm happy you guys listen today. Uh, I don't know what the hell we talked about for the last hour I hope it's interesting and I hope it gets you going on a monday morning. Do not forget Uh Thursday the 12th of march. I am at levity live in nyak new york with my man anju nandiao Sitting in the front row

What else do I have in march? I got march 27th at arlington theater in santa barbara california just two little dates Because i'm finishing up some shooting in new york and uh, so I just got two little dates for this month So I got may 12th at nyak march march march 12th at levity live and march 27th at the arlington theater And santa barbara california before we go I want to mention our sponsors number one on it as usual

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I want to thank manscape. I want to thank honor.com But most importantly I want to thank you guys for always having our back and listening This is the first monday of the month podcast We always just do us and just do a very informal one Just to let you know we love you and we still care about you Do not forget march 12th nyack new york and march 27th up there in uh santa barb a beautiful city And that's it and that's that have a great day. We'll be back wednesday Stay black and have a great week. Kick this muley saiyette