Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #767 - Brian Redban

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

Brian Redban, a stand up comedian, the creator of the Deathsquad network, and heard on "The Joe Rogan Experience" and "Kill Tony" podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

Greetings, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 9th of March. Hold on one second You can't stop Monday off without a motherfucking bong it Greetings from podcastville the church of what's happening now is brought to you by and I want to welcome to the church of what's happening now Draft Kings guys, it's conference tournament time March madness. Who's going to be repping the Big East? Huh, the world will know by Sunday But if your third eye is tingling now, you better go to draft Kings sportbook and cashing on that feeling listen NCAA is coming. This is money motherfuckers. These brackets come out next Sunday. You're not gonna know what's gonna happen You know how it goes March madness. All I see is fucking money

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You should fucking go down at that calm and get shroom tech immune just to get the party started You don't know who's breathing on you who ate a lizard for breakfast and didn't tell you shit like that Go down at that calm right now press in church Bam and get this motherfucking party started get what 10% off delivered right to your house today in studio Or what the fuck we call this the bat cave Is my main man mr. Brian red band about uncle Joey you got the Christ killer here on my side looking good Still fucking cough and what are you gonna do? He's got the fucking thousand month cough this poor bastard. I have that yeah the dry cough

Yeah, it never ends. I don't know Whenever I get a little bit of it ends when you eat somebody's ass home Then it goes away before you haven't eaten nobody's snatching a year A year for a year for more. Yeah, we need nobody's asshole in the fucking a year. Where was that at the strip club? Oh, I did eat an asshole the strip club. Yeah No, you lick the fucking Plug, which is right now. I'm surprised you're not sitting in a room with Chinese people looking at each other It is freaky traveling right now I was in Vancouver and man like the plane was half Chinese

You're as good as dead You're as good as dead. Yeah those places next week. I go right into the zone I gotta go to LAX that zone number one hot spot More fucking Chinese people crawl through there in Canada wait till it starts spreading in Canada, and I got I'm not racist to Chinese I'm just telling you what the fuck going on these people bringing them from planes. Yeah, I knew it would be from planes It's easy. That's the quickest way. I gotta go to jet blue Kennedy and back That's five and a half hours of sitting in that radiation. Yeah, you know, you come off the fucking plane

You're going in the fucking dark. So I take my life into my hands next week for this But guess what after that? I don't have to get on the plane again till the first of May So I got a long time to this no April 17th and 18th and Reno I'm gonna take jet X Because why fuck around for the extra 50 bucks and then from Reno to Portland I take whatever and then Portland about to fly into Burbank and then we'll figure out if it's worth going to LAX or not If it's not we cancel every day that LAX is nothing you could do. Yeah Nothing you could do. I had the mask on you gotta get a mask in the class. It's my age

Yeah, it's killin people my age They're going for me do I have respiratory problems listen to my heavy breathing. I'm the perfect fucking candidate. So I can't That's it. I'll end this whole fucking turn touring thing and it's a reality It's a reality that might spread by the summer and might they say it ends in April Then they'll pick back up in September when it gets cold in October and then you know, who the fuck knows But we don't really know nothing people coming in then I get tested They're saying that they go on the news ain't nobody even said boo to me Nobody said boo to me here. I am sweating bullets and fucking my eyes are dilated. Nobody even looked into my eyes

Let him the hypnotist. There's nobody nothing nothing a swab. Are you telling nothing? Well, even before the coronavirus there's always someone sick on a plane. Oh, there's always a motherfucker That's why I take those jet blue seats solo There's a reason There's a reason if I have to go to these coasts, I'm not sitting somebody because you always get bad luck I always get but I don't sit with this when I go on a plane there ain't nobody I want to talk to that sits next to me Every once in a while an older woman that's married you could talk to them because they know you don't want no action So, you know, nobody's hit on this fucking old bat 50 fucking years. You know, they know you just talking to them like where you

What do you do for a living? I tell them, you know, I'm an undercover D. A. H. I'm never telling on the comic And then sometimes they're like wait a second. I've seen you in a movie then they got me Until that time I'm always undercover D. A. H. You're the worst undercover agent there. No, I tell them right off the bat And then somebody will come up to me and fuck my shit up. Hey Joey. We love you. I'm Rogan. God damn it Oh this lady I was a D. A. H. I was going deep deep deep undercover in the Gambino fucking family. What's up Brian red man?

Not much it is weird like those planes. Do you think they spray him down? Not even nothing nothing nothing how many times have you sat there and seen 20 nationalities from all over the world walk Off a plane and within two minutes. They're like morning a1 You got to get somebody in there with a can of Lysol real Lysol spray the plane You know get people wipe the planes down. This is part of the airlines industry. This is where we're getting fucking fucked in the ass For years. I've been saying that we think that now I've been handy wiping those planes My wife told me about this three years ago. I get on a plane when everybody's seatin I wipe my seat down the handle that tray your hands again

Especially if you're a window guy because I'm like oh the guy that's always leaning my cheek on the wind I haven't touched the door knob since I'm five I don't know how people touch a door knob. It's the most disgusting fucking thing in the world Yeah, you know, I don't touch a fucking door knob. I use my sweater That's scared keep going to 7-Eleven and pushing that handle. That's the first place you're gonna get it You know 7-Eleven those places so you also have to be conscientious You got to wash your fucking hands. Listen, I love you to death Brian. I'm not smoking a joint with you That's true, too

Especially like you go that you're on the road smoking all these fans and stuff. That's never gonna happen It killed Ralphie May Because he got that bronchitis and think Lee if you got bronchitis and you had to fly the travel Every time you're not playing it's three hours of fire and fucking going into your weakened immunity weakened immunity Once I hear a cough the claim right gets canceled It's not worth I'd rather can't why why would I go to Columbus, Ohio and perform sick and coughing and tearing

They don't want to see that Joey Diaz. I don't want them to see that Joey Diaz. We'll do it next May When it's now flu season we fucked up. Sorry Yeah, right over. I mean you're a hundred percent right, you know, listen the reason why the flu gets spread How many times I go to karate with my daughter and the kid next to her? And then there you go. Well, it's also our tea season. It's really bad My arches killing me sneezes. I open up a car with yeah, whether it's allergies chin chin juice Whatever the fuck it is. I'm at the comedy store. Somebody sneezes. I move out of the fucking area You know, there's a thousand things, you know, now you gotta go to comedy store and finger pump Tuesday nights after them immigrants

They just came through whatever port God knows you got a finger pump I know hugs listen. Yeah, we're going up straight up gangsters We're doing pictures with with fun unless you got a fucking body suit on Unless you got like horns like if you're going to hunt for bees, you know those guys I'm gonna be ads and shit with the white suit We need to start wearing gloves again like like ice atoners remember when I sit on her was really good Like why aren't we wearing gloves because oh jay fucked it up? If you walk around with gloves a couple months ago you a lot of people celebrated you on being the

Podfather and I was thinking about and I'm like, you know, I still remember Busting your balls When you and Joe go up to the room and bust my balls like come on come up to the room and do a podcast Oh, yeah a cop's who's up at 14 years old Who's up at midnight a bunch of 14 year olds and you guys would smoke and I'd lose my mind Yeah, you didn't you hated it. I remember you were like close that close turn that camera Oh my god The eyes watching this you want to you want to give them the evidence to come here and hang us

We they legal DC and here we are smoking with chimneys They're gonna see us and then somebody called Joe's management said that their kid did DMT Because he watched one of the podcast Oh shit, no way Do you remember that you don't know I don't remember that So all that talk had to go away like all this was fucking like I still remember it going down Then you guys started doing on a couch Those pop up from time to time

Of us sitting together on a couch Is that weird Me next to Ari with hair with a t-shirt I think eventually there's gonna be like a history book written about it Because those early podcasts like the fleshlight days of the Joe Rogan podcast are why I'm here That's how I find all you guys Those pod those podcasts are legendary Some of them don't hold up well though

They're like an old movie where you sit back and watch and we're bitching at about something like you know some crazy conspiracy There's something like ages aren't real and you're like what the fuck are we talking about Yeah, I don't look at it like that I just I miss those days It's funny what my pops up on my screen once a month every time I open up YouTube And let's say I'm scrolling for a certain but like the first home page One thing always pops up that I go wow And it's like a nice box crown the chronicle One popped up about 10 days ago

I am fucking high as a kite And it was right around the time my wife was pregnant I said I had to go home because I got a pregnant wife I watched it for a few weeks Isn't that weird it's like a time capsule There had to be seven of us in that room barking into a microphone Rogan me you I watched the one when Doug Stano called me Joey Jingle

That's right And I was dying And then I did one with me Stan Yeah, and you got mad about it I remember did it I'm not Joey I didn't take your money No I'm sure I got mad

I'm not gonna accuse me of something I didn't do If I did it I did it But the reason I adore Stan Hope on Rogan Is because I egg him on to light cigarettes Oh yeah Like I'll pull him in the side and go listen Rogan loves me He loves to smell the cigarettes And Doug Stano will look at me going like you're fucking crazy

He doesn't like cigarettes, yes he does He just don't like telling people Because every time Doug Stano takes a cigarette out He'll talk to Joe like this for a minute Then he goes every time he does that noise Joe spied and jumped a little bit And I would fucking die Because I know it's eating away at Joe every time he here

And isn't that crazy for the early episodes We're in Joe's house and we're lighting up cigarettes Inside of his house You know how insane that sounds nowadays Wait you're smoking cigarettes in Rogan's house In his office Oh my god Look at what this is fucking become

It's insane When you sit back and look at the years And the big podcast I was supposed to be big and disappeared And the concept podcast But still this is what America still wants to hear Is the basic what's happening into your conversation podcast You know just three people

Two guys talking shit You know I love when people contact you And say hey this guy would be perfect on your podcast You know I Gabriel got a million fucking downloads Because I've known him for 20 years And that comes through over the microphone People feel the love You know when I go on Rogan

I'm like this dumbest guest I'm like this dumbest guest I don't know I've been on there a lot And I get fucking more hits than those geniuses I like my ass off They're like geniuses with glasses Talking about biochemics And you gotta read the post to those

I love when Joe has scientific knowledge You're a fucking dummy You know that You're probably sitting there with your glasses on You got 20-20 vision You just want people to think you're smart It's so weird that I go on there Because we're not saying nothing that they haven't heard already

They feel the love going through the microphone They feel this guy really cares for this guy When Ralphie would come on here You know when you come on here When Eddie comes on here They feel that Those podcasts we get great numbers Because we'd be sitting at home

I was going to eat two garlic pills for the day I ate them last night You gotta watch out for those things They make me burp in like non-stop No they don't make that clean What do you mean they're cleaning you far out of me for eight hours? I'd rather fart than burp I'd rather it to go out than to me to go in and smell burp all fucking day

You know what that was like the hot restaurant When I came here That's the worst restaurant? The garlic one The garlic one and it's Stinking roast? Yeah it's gotta be an outside patio That's the only way I'll go there next time

Last time I left there on paper it's a great restaurant It really is The minute you get there they give you a huge piece of bread With a roasted garlic And you squeeze the garlic clothes out It's better than fucking butter It's better than butter You sit there going how could this be

And then you get everything fucking Yeah that place is great But now watching those early That's ten years ago More so It's even longer now Some of those are like when me you and that one dude Used to do it

Would just be like in a van Somewhere here in North Hollywood we'd go get some food And just put an MP3 recorder down in between us all Remember when we used to do it You probably don't even remember this Like where we used to just record at a restaurant And there's a picture of us outside in the parking lot doing a podcast With a little MP3 recorder

I still remember me you and Ari on my steps Talking about cats That's right cats Podcasts Podcasts You know you think about all this shit And you go wow It's like we were doing comedy

We were open micros of podcast We were open micros That was our first five years We did craziness We did live podcast I mean you guys have turned Kill Tony into a fucking machine Yeah huge monster now I watch Kill Tony sometimes

And I die a laughter But I'm also watching what you guys are doing international And I tell you what pisses me off That not even true TV has reached out Oh yeah This is a show that is could be fucking enormous I think they're kind of scared of it Because it's one of the last shows that I think is still raw

And like there's nothing PC about it Like we actually lean against it You know it's and I think you know they look at them like Well there's a reason for the internet because of this show You know we can I mean let's get internet company involved And Monday nights you pay per view And you really have real people

I agree Real opinions and say you know what Go shoot yourself I mean you know people want to see that guy That's got the balls to tell a young comic To shoot down his dreams I don't have the balls to tell a comic To shoot down his dreams

I'd say something whatever But I'd end it on a positive note I'd always end it on a positive note I don't have the balls to tell somebody Especially nowadays you don't know who you're talking to We got that purse house murderer on I know Last month

So you don't know like half these people You know But I tell you Do or die I think of when I think about kill Tony sometimes I think about the people who used to say shit to me When I first started saying comic I gotta tell you something

70% of the feedback They would say something to me But it would always be probably They go lose that joke That hurts That hurts When you fucking stay up one night And you think a joke is good

And it is a good joke You just said it in the wrong place And it ain't such a bag of dicks That the guy you're working with Is like just get rid of that joke And that that hurts You know like that hurts Nobody wants to hear that

But there's certain people that I've known for 20 years That we should just put on kill Tony Just to tell them why They've been here for 20 years And nothing has happened And we get that too Some of these guys

We've been doing comedy for 20 years And you're like what the hell Because this is what happened You know that joke you do You never got rid of it You never got rid of it You know when you're doing I told him yesterday

Your friends fall four years When you think you're writing for a special Just write and get on stage every night That's it This is how Just get over those three years home Where finally people start I'm seeing in clubs and LA

You know we're in the heart of comedy here It's not like there's a shortage of comics here You know everybody's chasing The same fucking nickel when you're in LA So the only way to go Is to be creative You gotta be creative Also

And find that fucking way But it's three or four fucking years You know I don't know I just always felt Kill Tony should be on TV HBO I agree

Friday It's a TV show It even feels like a TV show When we're doing it I could see it When I watch it I'm like this is a TV show Have you thought about doing like

A tournament Nationwide or something Like Best of or Well the fact that Cassius Morris showed up Oh yeah he came It's so upset that he didn't go on Because I would love There's a few people like Like last night

Dumbfounded I don't know if you know Dumbfounded Jonathan Park He put his name in the bucket And I was like oh man I would love this I've seen You know somebody that I love as a rapper

Do one minute on Kill Tony And then you had Cassius We've known since when he was 14 I would love to have seen him And that's the only bad thing about it Did he reach out to you? Oh no I knew he was there But you know the whole thing is

It's a bucket You know like And there's been so many times where I'm like Maybe we could just bend the rules But then that defeats the purpose Yeah And I tell you some of these shows You go to the middle of nowhere

And these people are like Never done comedy before Never wants to do comedy They just are a fan They want to sign up And then it's just like And they want to get people to say Shut up

Well yeah we just want people to actually Only sign up if you want to Actually try to do comedy Not just because you're a fan And you just want to be on stage You know because then it becomes like Any gross bar show And Myrtle Beach or something like that

You know like That's there's negatives part of it But when it works it works When that buckets You know sometimes that buckets amazing The shit that comes out of it Before you guys did this And I've been just talking about this recently

I mentioned it to Lee How you got status in comedy 30 years ago When I got into comedy it was very simple Nobody was giving away specials except HBO And Showtime once in a while And if Showtime were offering you special I think you took it

But you called HBO and said This is your last chance This is your last chance I'm threatening you I'm gonna go showtime Showtime's got my back you know So the only way you got ahead You think I'm kidding you

The only way you got ahead was with The Johnny Walker Red Competition Comedy Competition Which was Nationwide HBO had a national competition Which was Nationwide And I did the Beck's Comedy Competition The Rocky Mountain Edition

So they had it in California The Rocky Mountains Iowa, Chicago, New York They would do six cities And then we were supposed to do a national champion But then Beck's just said We're gonna do that next year And I don't think they ever did the contest

I don't think they did the contest There's the only bad thing about the contest part Then you start feeling like all the other shows Like America's got talent or idol Or whatever and shit like that So what we do is we give out the golden ticket So if we find somebody in a city And they're just so freaking amazing

We give them a golden ticket meaning Anytime we're in that city Or anytime anywhere near You get to go up automatically if you come to the show And a lot of these people come to LA A golden ticket winner here You might remember her from Alabama Blah, blah, blah

So that's kind of cool Because we actually have starting a little gang Of comics that Preacher Lawson I don't know if you know Preacher Lawson Before he blew the fuck up He used to be on Kill Tony He was almost like a golden ticket winner We kept on having him on

And just watching the show He's amazing He's amazing I love Preacher He's a funny kid One of the nicest people ever He's great But yeah, it's interesting seeing that happen

I think this is the best thing you caught on This is a It's fun And it combines comedy And you guys make it fun Yeah Like fucking Jeremiah walking Oh god, he's

What won't he do? He's a psycho What would you like to do? It's so fun I know he's so He wouldn't let him let him It's so fun He will

He will It's amazing being on the road with him It's so weird when you go on the road with somebody And you get to see the real him You know, the real person Like who would ever think Jeremiah would be the person That would bring empty water bottles

And it's filling up his water bottles everywhere he goes And, you know, he's very particular With everything at the air It's fun being on the road with some of these guys I don't know what happened I just saw a video on Instagram Joel, the drummer Who's the nicest guy

Possibly in the universe Was running around at your show With like a strap on dildo Oh yeah People challenge him for So our drummer Amazing drummer He, you know

He's sponsored by one of the biggest drum companies ever He, uh If we find out somebody that's pulled out of the bucket Uh, knows how to play drums And if they know how to play drums, good We have a competition where he Whoever that guy is And Joel, they'll have a drum off

And if the guy If the crowd votes the guy better at drums Then that guy gets Joel's job And he's now working for us And Joel has to just quit, you know And so Joel has to fight for his life From the drums Some of these people are like

Dude, I've been playing drums for 40 years You know, like I'm the best drummer ever And Joel's in the back Sweating like trying to put on a costume Cause like Joel The only reason Joel's won And he's like undefeated is that He makes it a show

Like he puts on a strap on dildo While the guy's playing You know, he takes off his shirt He does backflips and stuff Like he's selling it, you know Where the other guy's just like You know 20 years ago Bleacher's fun house

Remember how they blew it up with Paris Hilton It was Medjits running around Yeah, they're always at the comments right now The only like The only, who is Those Bleacher people Like the little guy And uh

Yeah, they're there once a week on us Come on Yeah So that show doesn't exist anymore? I don't I think it might I don't know They loved Rob Kelly

Mm-hmm Tripoli Callan Like they loved I always see them in there with They never called me Who else? With Jeff Ross

I always see them They always come to hang out with Jeff Okay Yeah That was a crazy time in Vegas And that's what you guys have had You've had a little bit of that It's like Cirque du Soleil

Mm-hmm Meets fucking Like Gong Show almost Well, Gong Show Meets fucking real comics Mm-hmm Meets it's uh It's gonna be a TV show someday

Yeah And it's great because it's The show We can take it anywhere You know like And it's It works anywhere You know like

We've even gone overseas to like Australia, Europe Ireland And it I saw the shows in England Yeah Yeah, we were in England We all had

Food poisoning I saw that show And I was blown away It was a theater Yeah It was a fucking theater Internationally Yeah

So I was like Jesus Christ This is This is either You guys have to do A show Or The best of every city around the world

And make a theatrical release movie Like fucking And practical jokers Mm-hmm I'm not blowing smoke up here Oh no, I agree I agree I'm not into

If I don't think it's a good idea It's just getting a camera crew You gotta fly them Yeah That's where your investment comes in We've had some talks With some companies already And you know

Of course the only thing that kind of sucks Is they still want to change little things And it's like Nowadays with YouTube And you know Podcasts and stuff It's like How much do you need these guys anymore

Or to make it a show When we just put up three this week You know That's the only thing that's Nowadays it's not so cut and dry anymore Where it's like Hey dude You were giving you

You know a thing on Hulu You know what I would love Is them just to repeat our shit on Hulu Maybe Up our production a little You know our cameras And stuff like that But just take our product

And just replay it Instead of You know like We're selling it to them Kind of like how you do it Like how you make a special And then you sold it to Whatever

Didn't you do that? No I don't have the balls to do that Somebody did that I forget who it was They just make their own specials And then sell them I forget

I thought you did that Joe Yeah Joe does that right Joe does Yeah So that's the way to do it You make the product If you want it

You buy it If you don't Get out of here Cause like Every TV show Or every Hollywood thing It's like Well you know we think

We need to have You know behind the scenes Feature Ed Of this and that And I'm like An idol like You know Johnny was born in Alabama

No No They want to see the trumpet Yeah Trump bones And a couple fucking people Slip it Yeah

And the one guy who goes up And does edibles Right Like there's also gotta be Three guys who slip edibles To You know Well I had this great idea

And I wish Tony Tony did not like it But I had this idea Cause you know the popularity Of hot ones and stuff Where people are eating Hot shit on the internet I mean

Any video on YouTube Is somebody eating a hot pepper Like I had this idea Where I would bring something Super spicy Every week And if anyone wants To eat this spicy thing

You get to do two minutes But you have to do it Right after you eat it So people were like Taking like I got this chocolate Just one little teeny piece You're on fire

You're crying It's you know And everything And this guy had to do Two minutes right after it He's like So anyways Oh that a bar

Oh my god I loved it I think we did it three times I might try to bring that back Once but Listen man They turned hot wings into a tea Oh yeah

That's my friend Sean man Yeah I congratulate him That's amazing Listen That just goes to show you You never know You were on hot ones I forgot about that

And you were sweating so bad How bad was that last The last couple of them One through six ain't dick Right I forgot Here's what fucked with me I'm a fucking asshole

Like everybody else We're all fucking Weak in somewhere I'm gonna tell you the truth Just so you know I watched Who was on there before me And I watched their episodes

And I watched their reactions But nobody's reaction bothered me more than DJ Khalid Oh god Because he is Ali Baba Trying to be

Fucking Fat Joe You know He talks The whole thing I thought he's around The chicken You know what I'm saying

Like I'm like Yeah Arab But you're swinging with the Brothers You gotta be used to eating that Chicken You can't show up with You know

That you never seen Khalid Green's with Humbus next to him So I'm not trying to be racist Or anything But think about it Fucking

DJ Khalid DJ Khalid after like five He could not even five I think he quit after like Two or three Four He's like This is too hot for me brother

Fucking black dude If a guy who's trying to be Black Because if I'm walking around Trying to be Fucking black I would have snorted those Fucking wings

You know what I'm saying Hell yeah So when he tapped it Four I was like I'm dead But one Is flavorful

Like two Three Four Once you get to six Yeah it's whenever There's one that just Yeah It's like

Taking a little bit Too much wasabi It's like Taking a little bit Of rolling to the Mustard A little bit too much And you put it in your mouth

And you feel like this Like It's like plastic surgery You went through like 20 napkins There's like A big napkin You just can't believe

That you did that to yourself That's what it is You do need milk Or ice cream But I went unprepared I should have brought like Blue cheese I did bring my own blue cheese

Yeah that was cool That you brought blue cheese That's right Because just in case But It was fine Because you haven't hated The truth

Nine and ten ain't shit Right It's only that one It's seven and eight Yeah It's that a murder Murder Murder

And then eight Nine are like By the time you do those Three Eight Nine are more peppery Mm-hmm So it's more flavor

And your mouth is on fire Yeah Your mouth is burnt And that one My daughter saw it She goes Daddy The other day

The hot one's commercial came And she goes Daddy you did that She goes Because I saw you with the sweaty shirt God damn it That's why So I found it on YouTube

And Doug I was a complete V Yeah In sweat Yeah I mean my whole body It just It just shocks your central nervous system

To go through that But I still do that to myself Once in a while But not to that level That level You know who has a psycho on that I think it was Chong He didn't break a single tear

He didn't act Like any of those Wings had anything on them That or I have a theory That they just gave them all wings And he forgot to act You know because like We can only get them on the show

If we didn't sauce the wings up You know because he He was trying to sell something The whole time It was a little weird But he didn't react At any of those wings And it made me go

I wonder if they They had some special wings For him or something I'm sure they didn't But if you look at it It's pretty crazy How he doesn't even flinch With those hot wings

Well it's great Because you were saying how Like all the shows have failed And all that That's true But even when When you went to film it It was like three cameras

In a zoom recorder And it's like This guy had an idea Now it's a TV game show Like that It is pretty wild Anything can turn out to that Me and my daughter

Watched the Jonas Brothers It was good It was crazy Yes He was going You know I enjoy it It's a fun show

He's such a good interviewer Too I think Let me tell you something I started getting Weird calls after that show Like really weird calls From people I grew up with Oh wow

Saying hey man You're fucking great Like my kid sees you on there Like shit like that That video Did a lot I think I think Arie a lot

Like When you look at the steps To what helped me It was those stories Those stories You never know What it's going to be in this town Until you do it

Just make sure you're prepared And you go out there And you do them And that's it But I think those stories Those 15 minute segues On Arie's Story telling show

Help my career more than anything Just telling the truth More than a special More than two shitty specials I did more than you know I think people would like that Like raw roughness of that show That show is so perfect

For Arie That show is perfect Yeah That show is a perfect show You don't know What's going to turn the meter With some people Or you don't know

What's going to complete The circle for some meter For me I feel that That Story telling show Fucking healed me Like I had those stories in me They were good to say them

Sometimes they pop up When I watch them And I get sad You know what I still A couple weeks ago We were having a conversation They tried to write a piece

About Ralphie And They were referring to On video They got them And they asked them questions And he's saying A bunch of shit

That if you know any comic Or anybody was on pills You know he'd be saying Remember when I did Those tapes for you In 2006 At the House of Blues When I was saying that

I wanted to die Oh yeah yeah Do you remember you still got those You should put this up For those people These people They're up right now Joey Diaz ready to die

I think it's Joe Joe's show 11 Like I was done Like I was eating fucking That's the weekend We went in like on Thursday And I didn't see you guys

Still sad Right Like I was doing Eight ball They were delivering it to the room The guy had a come down package And they give you those fucking Vicodin's and shit

My friends were in town I wouldn't go to their hotel And see them I told them I was busy with Joe The UFC I was working The UFC

I don't work the fucking UFC That's right I remember that I was in my room Slowing up a stone And then I was forced To go down Saturday To do this fucking show

And these guys Got a camera And they're fucking That's right They're asking me stupid Fucking questions And I was dumb Like I just wanted a quick coke

I didn't think it was possible That's what was going on Spirit left me Like fucking Thursday night We flew in I basically snorted All night Thursday

Friday Joe did something And I blew you guys off Because I was too busy In my room getting high Wouldn't that be the way it is? And Saturday Yeah, and Saturday I fucking finally came out

And I took a shower I was in that room For two days straight Fuck No room service Just eating like her It's a Mandalay Bay I think it was Mandalay Bay

Yeah, like eating fucking Chocolate bars And the refrigerator The paranoia Jerking off in the corner So Mirrors and the cameras Wouldn't see me

That's right And then You don't know what it's like To call this drug dealer Four in the morning He answers And I'm like I need another one

I'll be there in two minutes Don't I need to go downstairs? No, I know all the security guards He would come right to my room Ask me if I wanted to come down Package the The extra package Four sleeping pills

Two Vicodin's Two Percocets Two Xanax I need the whole fucking thing What are you thinking To feel like in the morning? Damn What do you think is gonna

Come out of your mouth in the morning? You have not a stitch Of happiness in your life Wow All the dopamine Has been taken out of your brain I was on a roll for two days The things I said on those tapes

Like with just I always think about that Like, that was the darkest time Of my life That last year Before I quit Coke Ooh Ooh

Isn't that crazy You made it out of that I mean, how insane is that, Joe? Dog I mean, I even thought You were a goner During those times When you thought

You were dying and stuff like I was like, oh man He's only gonna last A couple months We all kind of Thought that anything Yeah Because you sold it so well

It wasn't that I sold it so well It was what I was basically Fucking going through Yeah Like I mean So I did a big movie I opened up for Rogan on the road Longest yard, right?

I do spots at the store And this is it This is my life Everybody does a movie in this town People call them up People invite them to dinner You go to meetings I got nothing

I got one meeting with Tom Hanks Who told me I was funny Or something like that And said he called me And I never heard from him again Really? Yeah That fucking asshole

No, I'm not mad Let me get that water Everyone knows Tom Hanks is the biggest dick No, no, no I'm just kidding You have no idea What it's like to be at a bar in Houston Yeah

Like when that movie came out I was in Houston And I actually went to see it With the University of Houston football team And the Texans We all went to a private screening in Houston And then I did like a Q&A And they all came to the show

And when I'm at the show that night I'm fucking coked up And I'm at the old Houston last stop Our favorite fucking bar in the world Right there With Pete We're drinking Yeagers And remember we were fucking

Going to the bathroom and doing blow And Joe was talking abroad So you don't see nothing This is 20 fucking years ago This is how long this was We were kids Red man And uh

What the fuck we talking about? You're a huge book Tom Hanks Tom Hanks So I got a call from this guy Rest in peace Bill Dukamit No

Something Dukamit It was a private call Like what the fuck's a private call Remember I was the last one to get a cell phone Right So I didn't know what a private call was So I answered It's like hey it's Dukamit

How you doing? I go good He goes congratulations on the movie Cause Dukamit was in Groundhog Day Isn't that Tom Hanks? No, that's Bill Murray That's Bill Murray But he did something with Tom Hanks

Big or something He goes I just got a call from a friend of mine Tom Hanks You know the name? I go yeah And at that time I was just finished boycotting him Cause I had boycotted him for a long time Why?

Because of one movie Cause the one about the AIDS when he was one of the He cried about at the So I was pissed off at him So I didn't fucking hang out with Tom Hanks So he came back with Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell The baseball movie Oh yeah

And then I gave him a little audience I never saw Boris Gump I never saw a bunch of movies cause he was on off He was on 86 I was on 86 for 2 or 3 years There's no crying in baseball Yeah there's no crying in the fucking yaskas Going up there and crying

Like you know people Like you have a fucking fucking ass Knock it off Tom Hanks So yeah I got to meet Tom Hanks at Sony That's awesome He bought lunch and asked me a few questions And I'm like oh my god I'm gonna go home and get like an offer

For like a million dollars Nothing I even called a receptionist Said the gift thank you for lunch I never heard nothing God I want to know what happened in that conversation Wouldn't you love a copy of that conversation? So Jolly tell me about yourself

What the fuck are you What do you remember what you talked about Maybe you freaked him out Maybe you poured Tom Hanks He asked me about whatever He said he had read an interview That I had been in prison What did I do

Oh there you go How did I feel No no but he was like really It was You ever do research That's what he was doing He was just doing research And he asked me a bunch of questions

He told me we talked about the comedy He stood out for a little bit He's still crazy you know stuff like that You know he was really nice He was like oh he sat down with me And like an office They brought that regular Sony lunch The ones they make for the executives

I don't know what it was I had a choice like Salisbury steak Right Mushroom soup or something And you know I didn't know what to expect I want to see the time frame now To see what role that he might have been in research I'm trying to think of one

Let's see after League of Your Own We're going to find out that he's a Castaway But I mean I'm not even anywhere near that I can't imagine how tough it is being in this town And thinking oh this is going to happen This is going to happen And it just

It just doesn't Like no wonder people go crazy It doesn't happen because you don't make it happen And that's what makes people go crazy They don't even give a shot at making it happen They You know it's really weird for a guy like me I

I know who I am I'm 57 years old The charade is over Look at me The only role I'm good for is grandpa from the Munsters If they remake the Munsters grandpa I'm fucking grandpa I'm going to be the best grandpa there ever was on the Munsters

Alright Besides that look at me I got made me another two years on stage Before I fall off the fucking stage I'm old I can't walk around I can't see right You know

I'm free You could be a good landlord for a 3's company Reboot I'm free right now I'm as free as a whistle Lawrence Let's let it skin it That free bird

I'm a free bird You can't get mad at what I say Because you can't take nothing from me I go to the comic store Which is my church And I'm a Mitchie Schrupp protege I'm exactly what you wanted you to do on stage To be a wild man and not care

You know that you know There was a time when she didn't want the industry in there She threw them out You know that right I would love that She paid them She made them pay for tickets The industry knew they weren't invited at the comic store

She said Make you comics act creepy And it does All of a sudden they're like Oh hi how are you Who's showcasing? Lee oh hi how are you People who have never spoken

In those days When you went to the comic store And there was an asterisk next to your name That means somebody was coming to see you And four people would actually come down there To wait to see who was coming to see you And as soon as two guys These people would never say hello to you

They'll never talk to you They'll never cheer for you You've asked them for gigs and they've told you now While those two people are there They'll come up to you and go Lee How you doing buddy great to see you And all of a sudden they just stand there You're like

Red band this is Lee Lee this is Red band Oh from CIA yeah Maybe I should send you a tape and your insides Fracture Because this is your meeting And this motherfucker who's never said hello to you In this whole fucking life

Now in front of those agents Is being cool to you Right So Mitzi didn't like all that shit So she used to say it makes people creepy I agree So she would make them pay and take the asterisk down I talked to her about take the asterisk down

I can't even mention the name to the people There's someone still around That would show up on those nights and be your buddy And buy you a drink And cut it on your fucking spring scripts You have no idea I can mention names to you That your head would blow up

That happened to me once Being here I got a script for you Oh yeah So I think you'll be great for this one It's the worst You don't get me this Just give it back and listen

Say it to CIA And don't take care of the rest But I don't know I used to torture Rogan people Rogan people are the best The ones that call you and ask you for his number And you're like Yeah I got his number

Hold on grab a pen And you make him hold And they're looking at that partner going We got Rogan I'm waiting yeah Joey you know we love you right Yeah we just want Rogan's number Because we have a gig for him

And we want to see what he thinks Yeah let me get it Grab a pen Sure take your time Alright here it is you ready 310-888-888 That's William Morris That's his number

And you can hear him crack over them Hilarious But what about his personal number I can't give you that Call Suspin Management out of New York Or call William Morris Have a good day like just hang up on it Yeah I usually give out the Planned Parenthood number

I'll just like find some I had a half a fucking fact producer called me About a month ago He didn't even call me I've known this guy for 25 years Always been a sweetheart of a guy I've never really done business with him He's always doing stupid shows

So there's no reason for me to Be not like I don't talk to him whatever He's asked me about it To do a couple of his shows And I've always told him I'm busy on the road that week About a month ago I don't know where he Facebooks me Which really bothers me

And he goes hey man I need a big favor from you We missed out on this casting notice And we need a guy in two days To fill a host position I think it'll pay $15,000 Is there any way you give me Rogan's info And I go

I'm going to tell you two pieces of advice First of all Rogan doesn't want to do anything Before you even call him And number two IMDBM You know You're a producer Why are you making this fucking email

Nothing bothers me more than that That somebody who says they're a film producer And he is He's a TV show little time producer And IMDBM somebody So again He hits me back Well we're not going to have time

Is there any way you can get his number from here Listen Contact his agent And then they said to me We call CAA ten times Nobody will call us back about Joe Rogan And I go If you're this fucking stupid

I can't let him do business with you He's a WME so you never even looked You just I just caught you in a lie I just caught you in a lie Why would you try to fucking lie to Uncle Joe You know what I'm saying Like why would you

Don't do it Don't do it Don't do it Do whatever you want to do to whatever people I see you coming at me a mile away It's your small time I see how the Facebook messages start I have these guys that

You don't hear from them every six months They start with the hey how you doing Hey what's going on with the podcast Is there any way we can do lunch Nope I don't do lunch I don't do lunch I don't know when I'm going to eat lunch

I have no fucking idea I have no idea I can't stop locking you in for lunch I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow Until it happens One thing that Rogan definitely has taught me That my favorite thing that Rogan's taught me Is just to ignore everything

You know what I mean You'll talk to the people you love I'll answer the phone if Joey calls But although ninety nine percent Of the other people that call Nope you're not getting any response from me You know but I always thought

That's so rude People are texting you Or emailing you Not until you get to that position Yeah it's too much When you get to that position Of I went to Vegas last weekend

I get home But also I get home Twenty three text messages Because it doesn't come on my phone Until I get home to a certain area Then a bunch of text messages You should have seen these text messages That I get

Like I don't get a lot of them I guarantee that Treat the house cause There's text messages that come on my iPad That I don't get on my iPhone I open up my fucking iPad And I have ten text messages on there From

I don't even know who these people are You in town What type of reply Like I'm gonna say yes I don't know who you are You're never gonna get a phone call That's the worst The worst

If you look at your own text history And you don't have a conversation going already You have to say Hey this is Bob What's going on Are you in town I have so many of those I missed opportunities

I would wonder if Any of those are important Like oh dude That's David Lee Roth I can't believe he texted me But you know I'm sure that's not gonna be Somebody like that

But half these people Who are they I'm nowhere near Any of either of your levels But every three months Someone just gets my phone number somehow And it's scary Like they'll text me

They'll call me And they'll want to do something Like do you not see how This is kind of scary Do you respond to those No It's scary I block their number sometimes

But I'm like no Like how do you not see That this is kind of creepy If I don't know your number First of all You're in no danger Me picking up the phone No danger me picking up the phone

You have no danger And texting You have no danger Getting a hold of me I'm telling you Because it's very weird That's why I called you today When I text you

Oh yeah yeah My hearing My hearing aids Went into that system I'm getting text messages I just got to marry Christmas Two weeks ago I just got to marry Christmas text

Are you serious February 26th Wait you're hearing aids Connected to your phone Yeah That's awesome I want to get one man That's the new shit

And the other night Somebody called me on my wife's phone My wife's like My niece wants to talk to you I couldn't understand it It's so weird that with a regular iPhone Now I couldn't hear If I didn't have the system

Connected through my phone I hate it that it's through my phone Because it's fucked up a lot of shit But I'd rather hear than hear from them Do you know what I'm saying Like for a while there bro People would tell me I called Jay Time just late Joey

Something's going on And then we figured out There was something wrong with the We left it on autopilot Fly Airplane mode Something was going on Rogan told me a couple of times

He called me I just wasn't getting Tax matches is all over the place Tax matches is all over the place I always keep my shit in airplane mode Because of podcasts usually So there's sometimes where I'm like Shit I've had this on for six hours

I hope no one called me Yeah that's what happens It's great to be away from your phone And having it on the airplane mode I think Do you think we've gone a little bit too far You and I are both tech guys I love tech But I think some tech has gone a little bit too far

Like I think maybe like the original iPhones were enough Like some of the smart TVs Some of the stuff that's going on I think it's just a waste I think all the digital assistants Have gone too far now I have Alexa and Google

Like in all my appliances now Like my TV, my arm clock So like sometimes I'll just be talking And I have nowhere you hear I don't know what you're talking about I'm like wait I wasn't talking to you Like why are you listening to me right now Yeah it's creepy

Why do you have that yeah Why uh Honestly because it's nowadays Everything's so connected Where I'm just so you know like What's the weather No fucking excuse for it What's the weather

You go on your fucking YouTube And you Google five day weather for it I know Or it's horrible Or my security cameras So like if something goes off I'd be like you know show me my security My TV will just flip onto my security camera

You know so No no no Get that thing out of the house Alexa and then I have Google also They're both of them Yeah no your whole life is being Your whole life is being fucking Listened to and invaded

And you know you're a communist You're living a communist environment If you really think about it You're supporting a communist environment For being what For being a yuppie No it's more just Was that what it means that

It's more like music and stuff Just so I can listen to music I think about me growing up And my stepdad Getting out of jail in 1969 And never going back again Until he died in 2006 And he was still a bookmaker

And he learned lessons But he wouldn't even let me talk to Next to a phone that was hung up To understand me That was a paranoia he had And he was right He was right You know

And now you look at these computers They're watching you when you're jerking off And you're about to put a butt plug up your ass They got you Yeah Who's watching you Who knows But why give them more

What they already know Listen to your credit cards In the computer file Guess what One day instead of coming up with a Ukrainian You bought a blender in the Ukraine That's just the way life is Do you see those rain cameras getting hacked now

Yeah And they can talk to you Like they're just talking to you Yeah Jesus You have no security What So ever anymore

So I don't add to that millennial image Or whatever I avoid that stuff I don't want somebody in my house Taper You don't know who the fuck is listening If anybody's listening at all Maybe there's no reason for a paranoia

But you have to assume Then listen It's like when you walk into a hotel room in Vegas You have to assume There's somebody in that room Watching you jerk off And stick a finger up your ass And smell your fingers

Do you think it's in Vegas I know for a fact Yeah I know for a fact It's drilled into my psyche Especially after the shooting I know for a fact that In 1983

A buddy of mine went to Vegas And walked into a bathroom stall Closed the door behind him Did a line of coke in the stall Real quiet He was a cop Walked out of the store Washed his hands

And when he walked out Two cops away from They knew he had done cocaine Wow There was cameras in the ceiling I know that A year or so After that

A girl I went to high school with And very dear friends with Went to Vegas for her honeymoon And for her five-year anniversary She turned the TV on Like the Poconos in the ordered porn And there was them on there On their wedding night

No shit She sued the hotel By three million dollars Back in 1988 or 89 So if I'm telling you This was going on 30 years ago What do you think is going on today You have to assume

When you go to Vegas They're watching you fuck that chick They're watching you fuck that hooker They're watching you They got you down They have those scanners you could buy now That will show you If there's any hidden cameras

Or microphones It's like a radioactive It's an electrical thing But you the asshole that you are Not you red man I'm talking about you the asshole Being Joe American It's like when

I don't know if you know this Like right now technology is really weird You know how they busted The Gambino crime family They had a snitch That told them that Paul Castellano Spoke mainly in the kitchen And there was a TV in the kitchen

Where they wouldn't Where they would be They would watch when they were in the kitchen Before people would come over And then they go turn the TV off What they did was They knew that there was a TV So the feds actually

Discrambled the TV And they're sitting there hitting it And they're moving the antenna And they got cable This is Paul Castellano's house It's that now It's a four million dollar house In 1980

What do you think it's worth today It's a mansion And the fucking cable don't work But the other rooms All the TVs worked So they called the fucking TV repair man Only it was an FBI guy That picked up the phone

They went in this house And they put bugs in Now this is how dumb they were When they had the bugs in the TV They knew what time They would say Oh Paul Lee Everything's taking care of with the sweeper

He's coming around three o'clock today No problem At three o'clock they shut off the bugs And the sweeper can't pick up the electric Frequency So once the guy would leave They would turn the bugs back on again The feds installed the bugs

While Paul Castellano and Tommy Bellotti Were in the room Into the TV And Tommy Bellotti's like Hurry up with that thing Fuck off You know And you're like

Yeah sure He doesn't know that you're installing a fucking bug That's gonna go down a fucking Virginia They're gonna be listening to every conversation In this fucking room That's how they do a bug Then they had

They were bugging you with parabolic microphones You know the microphones the NFL uses Right They'll go two blocks away Turn on a frequency And bounce it off that glass And right now we're in here Talking about killing somebody

And they'll listen to us through that fucking glass Without a why or without anything That was two thirty years ago What the fuck do you think they're doing today? They just turn on the phone Yeah they just turn on phones Turn on cameras Everything

That's why I put the phone in the office And I put the phone in the office So they don't hear what my family chatter is They don't have to hear what my family chatter is I tell my wife to put hers on the charger In our office We're phone free in the fucking house And it's not paranoia

It's just You know they're listening to you and watching you How much are you going to let them? How much information are you gonna give them About yourself online? Every time you sign up for another stupid website Do you really need them to send you peanut butter online? Do you really need peanut butter?

You gotta trade a joke down the corner But you want a special peanut butter Now you have to tell them like What's your Give me three things from your life So they can ask you Your first dog, Fifi Your first girlfriend's name, Amelia

Now they know everything Yeah They put it together with all that shit You know So the more things you sign up for You go here Look at me There is a joke

The more shit you open up The more shit they got on you And I'm not talking I don't sell drugs I don't I don't I don't do dick You can listen to my phone lines or you want

You're gonna hear the most boring conversation You're gonna hear a conversation Me and my 50 year old friends complaining About how tired we are And how many expressions we gotta drink a day And you hear me and Tripoli Or me and you Or me and you

That's it There's no I don't even I don't even have women that I talk to Like whack off You can listen to me all day It's the most boring And shit in the world

But I think your house No And they told you 15 times Alexa goes right to the fucking Governor's house And he's listening Every type you fuck That little Chinese girl

He masturbates to you That camera that you think you're watching the door with They're watching you When you got a doggie style Make them born Fucking them calling Trump over Trump Look at that man Look at the red man over there

And fucking that little Chinese girl She's Korean, all right I would never fuck a Chinese girl What's the question on that? Listen The whole hand is all over Like I said yesterday Those Asian people

They ain't a dog They ain't a bat And that's how this fucking thing started And when I say Asian So nobody gets offended That's how you ever go to Chinatown The shit that hangs from the windows There's animals

You don't even know what to fuck on And go to China That's where you see the real good shit And you're like How the fuck do they eat chicken's feet For hard-ons They'll eat anything for hard-on Chinese people If you tell them a piece of shit on bread

We'll get your dick hard You'll see Chinese people eating dick on bread That's what they do There's a soup that's made out of bull's balls It's like $2,000 That's one night It puts your dick like in magical places You go to the restaurant

You see a bunch of fucking Chinese people praying And a bunch of old people drinking the soup Looking at their old wives Like, I'm like, give it to you tonight You know, it's fucking not Who the fuck knows? I don't even know anymore I'm just happy to be doing what I'm doing

It's all end soon Who the fuck knows? In two weeks you might be all walking around With space suits down there Yeah You know You have to think a way how far this could go Can you imagine they have to close Disneyland?

Comedy store has to shut down for a couple weeks They're talking about canceling the Olympics Because it's in Japan Oh, they should definitely do that That's canceled They just haven't announced that That's done You better move that over the fucking door

Australia better fucking raise their hand Yeah, they're canceling all They like the electronic shows and stuff like that All the trade shows And the company that makes iPhone cameras I guess they've been shut down So they're not going to have All the new iPhones are probably going to be delayed this year

They're just losing money left and right Wow, that's what you get It's like the AIDS scare in the 80s When we were scared of mosquitoes Remember that? When we were like Every news channel was like Dude, there's mosquitoes with AIDS

And if they bite you You're going to have AIDS There was points of time Where everyone was scared of getting mosquito bites You couldn't buy mosquito repellent at stores They were sold out everywhere Kind of like how hand sanitizer Sold out everywhere right now

Everyone was putting off all over So they wouldn't get AIDS mosquitoes Oh, my God It really is crazy I went to Walgreens the other day To get something completely off color And while I was there People were like

Is there any more hand sanitizer? People had masks on coming in Because these people had an overly paranoid night Listen, I understand it I get it I get it You know, and especially Who and what it's hitting

Whatever You know our friend Jimmy Schuber Is in Korea today Oh, she is Shooting a TV show Is he shooting a Korean show? He's a white guy on? It's an American show

That shoots in Korea Wow He's going to have to be in quarantine Listen to me They really got the cancellation notice from me I would have had them waiting for the plane With their little masks on There was no way for me to come out

Mr. Diaz ready to bow There would have been no Mr. Diaz I would have put like a mule on there Send me to Korea I would have sent him to Korea He even told me Jimmy Schuber said I'm telling you

They even got me a first class ticket Like a bird They're giving you money to fly there Go look up a flight for Korea It's $122 Really? For first class and back Who the fuck is going to fly to Korea today?

They're crazy That's pretty cheap It's $100 right now Look at the prices of shit It's dropping Plane prices are dropping They know people are going to go You know what?

This is how we're going to spread this In these planes One person per plane And that's it I got a flight in New York next week You don't think I'm fucking nervous You want me to look you in the eye And tell you I'm not nervous?

I've been flying a lot too The last couple of weeks it sucks And you've been internationally too That's why I got a light saw This motherfucker Yeah Luckily right before all this happened I had bought these really nice masks

With the little air filters And stuff like that Because my girlfriend's allergies are so bad That she's been miserable So I was like you know what I might buy one of these cool Asian masks And literally the week after This coronavirus started coming out

And now you can't get these masks They're like back ordered for months Now to get them Have you noticed that? All the hospitals are running out of these masks Because everyone keeps on buying them But it's ridiculous They're saying not to buy them

Because hospital care workers need them And stuff like that Amen We got to be cautious Now you don't have to You office up at the Ice House for more No the Ice House sold their comedy club To the Laker owners

You know the family of the Lakers And so when that happened They were pretty much Well we have to empty out this place And that gave me an excuse to get out of there I've been there for like nine years Eight years And now I have an office down the street from my house

So it's way easier It's great How big is the office? It's probably like maybe four times bigger than this But do you stand up for that? I could But it would be a small little room But that's a cool thing about it

It's a storefront So like if I didn't want to do podcasts I'd like to make it a taco shop the next day Or a little stand up comedy club It's actually a retail location It's a little taco comedy That's right Yeah, Jesus Trey over there

Have you watched his new show? You're on it, right? Yeah I love that man Jesus is awesome for that He's a good guy So like the first episode with Fluffy Wasn't Fluffy?

Yeah, so great man Fluffy is so cool Like his Volkswagen All his Volkswagen's he has I'm so jealous of that It really is amazing what he's done With his life man Yeah

And he's as humble as they come He's so funny too He's as sweet as they come You know The Spanish comics fucking hate him Like the old school Mexican guy Really? Yeah

Why? That's just You know Machismo jealousy is Is a motherfucker You know But It's just weird how life is

When you're When you're that on top People still take shots at you And stuff like that So it's a And I see it on his face His feelings get hurt, you know It's a

It's tough When your family has never seen The money you've amassed And everybody's waiting For their part And you're like What the fuck were you I'm the one that has to kind of play

And go to Australia To pick up this envelope It's a It's really weird It's a really weird feeling That happens So It's just

That he's humbled, you know What are you gonna do? Yeah His compound look badass though I was I was raised in one of those Volkswagen buses And you know Like the big

Bus And he has like Maybe a hundred of those buses Every single color Every color Is one that's a fish tank The whole bus has just been made into a fish tank It's

It's an investment That's the way he's a collector Yeah I love him for that That's You know, that's a beautiful place What would you If you were

Crazy, crazy rich What would you Would you have any collections of any kind Like what would be in your Huge Warehouse At this age Cats?

Just cats I would like to Learn to grow Like if I moved somewhere I'd want some dirt So I'd learn how to grow vegetables I've seen when my wife has done The last couple of years

And she's grown a ton of shit back there That's good too Tomatoes Yeah Peppers You know I think that's important too To know

Like I mean I grew up always having a garden Yeah, in Ohio I'd really like to learn How to do that now I always sit there and wonder Like I don't have a hobby How detracting it is

Yeah, I live for eights And yeah, I go to boxing class And fucking Kick boxing That's not a hobby Like You know what I really I'm thinking of doing again

Collecting coins Coins? Yeah, like Just go to a coin shop And buy those books And you fill up those pennies Yeah, they're little slots So that makes you

Look for those pennies That's why the other day My wife went to My wife's got a jar Filled Like it's got to be I don't know what it's worth You got to

I had to pick up the keg And I go Let's not take it down there Let's empty it And go through those pennies Because that's what those companies do There's no money A coin stock

Right A coin stock doesn't take your chains They take your chains Because you're making mistakes Yeah Those silver dollars That 1943 penny That's worth a million dollars

The copper penny All that shit You just throw it in there That's how they make that money They don't make that money By you throwing fucking money And they're taking them Giving you a dollar

That's not their money Their real money Is by taking the Coins that award something And they get what they're worth Think about that Oh yeah I've always thought that

So when I was a kid And I was really Insecure Before I was learning the language There was a short time But that's what I did I collected pennies I had to fucking magnifying glass

By the way I gotta tell you guys a story Fucking karma's a motherfucker So about a year ago I would take weed cans Little weed containers When they're finished And I would put holes in the top

And from time to time I would catch a fly in my bathroom And put it in there And feed it weed Right That's hilarious And I'd just feed them weed For like four days

I'd go to take a shit in my backyard I'd open up my back door A fly would come in The back door is locked So they can't get out And get in So I stalk them I'd just lock the door

Boom I'd get another fly I'd take this one wing off Throw them in the tank Close it And then I'd feed them Little pizza weed And they'd be in there

Like fucking around Like Let us out Let us out I must have got about six flies Took their wings off Or both their wings It depended on how I felt that day

Those little dirty bastards I'd wash my hands a thousand times And I'd put them in the fucking tank And I'd put weed in there Well, fucking They were getting stronger and stronger From time to time I'd put like a gummy bear in there

Like a CBD gummy bear Like I was just developing these flies To be savages, right? Just balls Just balls out So one day I took these flies And I just threw them out into the wilderness And they didn't know where they were

They landed on my patio floor Just looking at me like What the fuck are we gonna do now? We're wingless We don't know nothing When I was about eight, six months ago God, I'm sitting there And I hear like this buzzing

Like there's a fly in my room I look over This motherfucker was a gigantic fly Like a horse fly Like a horse fly He was so big He was having a hard time flying Like he couldn't even fly

He hopped But he would hop by three feet So I went over I'm like, what the fuck is that? It's because I got spiders too Every once in a while you'll see a spider But that's a big fucking spider When I got closer

It was a THC fly His head got all big His eyes were all fucked up still He was making a fucking different fly noise It was going like So I clocked him and he fell But I lost him I couldn't stamp him and kill him

Fucking a half hour later I'm on the computer And he just lands on the desk He's coming back to get me So I tried to fling him off the desk To step on him And again he disappeared So he's on the loose right now

One of my And then from time to time I take a shit And take a little scoop of the shit And put him there once a week Just so he'd eat my shit That's the one that got back I had these flies

Under experiment That's hilarious Okay, he said you don't have a hobby You do have a hobby You do have a hobby You torture flies It's like me when I was a kid I took daddy long legs

And I took all Took all their legs off And then they were just like A little ball And they couldn't do anything Just rolling around I used to stomp on anthills I hated anthills

I hate anthills But have you seen that? Like they pour metal down the anthill now And you can like See how far down they go That's pretty cool It's pretty cool I like, I fucking

One time I was in Miami, Florida Must have been eight years old And I was helping my godfather Rake leaves He had this huge Like fucking property With every type of tree Papaya, mongos

Avocados And I was raking leaves And he had the garbage can And he goes Don't put your hand in there Let me go get your gloves I'm like, fuck you I put my hand in there

And when I pulled them out Both my hands Were covered with red beads And they started biting me If you ever saw me fall apart Like a little bitch That was a dad That was on video

I just drive Red ants Like I read And it got me so hard But I just passed out I thought I was gonna die So I passed out He came out

Wiped the ants off me And woke me up there I thought they're two people What's wrong with you Get up, you fucking little fag What's wrong with you Red ant bitch When I lived in Cuba

I got bit by a scorpion You know what I'm saying Like shit like that I lived You'll be fine I had blood everywhere And shit Red ants suck

Fucking never done with that Dog both hands I was maybe eighth Nine, whatever Damn Yeah, now that's some good fucking Yeah, but the flies All those flies came back to get me

He's still in your office? Yes You're gonna find it He's gonna have maggot friends He grew into another fly's ass And being weird They morphed You gotta see the size

Of this fucking thing It's gigantic We're gonna go over to Diaz's house And it's just gonna be dead flies And shit everywhere You know what happened was A fucking dead possum fell into the wall So we started getting flies in the house

They had to come and take the dead possum out The house smelled terrible for a week We almost had to go to the hotel room one night I had to sit there by myself And kill each fly one by one I was sweeping them into the backyard I just stood there And they were all gathered by the window

And they get retarded You ever see how they get by glasses And I would kill them by the dozens And they would circle the room I'd be sitting there I don't use a fly swatter I use a jigsaw puzzle book They're perfect

You know one of those faggy puzzles You know six across Yeah that type of shit Fucking possums So there was a possum We have a lot of possums where I live And there was one time I was going out to my car And there was a possum

Like a smaller possum Like a baby And he was just laying right in front of my car And I was like late to a spot So I called Janice My girlfriend And I was like hey Janice There's a possum in the driveway

Can you like throw it away or something I think it's dead And she texted me back And she's holding it like a baby And she goes I think it's sick And I'm like wait Do you have the possum in our house She goes yeah he's still breathing

And then my friend goes to me and goes He wasn't dead you know They play possum And I was like oh my god Get this possum out of our house Oh my god I'm surprised you still live there after you had rats Oh don't even get me started on my rats

How are they gone then Oh yeah the rats are gone We found a hole The sides of a nickel In my neighbor's screen door So they were coming through this tiny tiny hole Through into my neighbor's house Going underneath his sink

Underneath her house Coming out from underneath my sink So it was all from this one little teeny hole And so yeah thank god we found it Now no problems How big were these rats Well they were big They were probably about this

I saw the footage Yeah and the gross thing is when we found them dead They were so bloated That they looked like a small chihuahua I mean that's how big they were Because they were so bloated And then I had my girlfriend take it out to the trash can And once split open

And just maggots came pouring out of it It was yeah I think about it all the time It's so fucking gross That poison just makes them swell up or something Yeah I think when they just when they die That's like what happened is They uh I started smelling that death smell

And then I went underneath the sink And one of my traps had killed it But I thought I already got rid of the rat And this is like it's mom or something like that And had killed it And had been in there for like a week And just being in the week underneath my sink Had just made it like

Maggots started growing inside of it And it was so inflated Because the maggots inside of it I could thank God for my girlfriend Because I could not have done anything with it I would have had to hire somebody Just come in to take it away Cats, cats, cats

Cats, cats, cats Cats, cats, cats Cats, cats, cats And so I got them cats Cats, cats, I hate fucking mice cats Cats, cats, I hate fucking rats cats Cats, cats, I don't want to see a fuck Listen to me

I got two cats Across the street from my house That have been out there For professional hunters Yesterday me and my wife Watched the one little black and white one Sitting out there And the white one came out

And sat over here to get some in front of him And he said Oh, you're my fucking vision And he got around And sat around and went back to his spot Then this cat bit him in the head They're the cutest couple But those two cats

Live right across the street And I can't tell you how many nights I'm coming home from the commie store And I'll see the one black and white one Dragging a six foot rat And he's still half alive But she squashed his fucking head They are the best hunters

They are Disneyland lets them out at night Listen, you don't want a mice Just get some cats Let them pee a little around It's gonna smell for a week But after that Everything goes away

We don't have a mouse If I see a mouse, I move the next day There's no movies There's no fucking nothing And we didn't grow up with rats in Ohio We grew up with mice But none of my family houses had mice Feel mice

And they came in December for a week I got cold out I can live with that I get it It's cold out You're homeless I'm Christian You want to come in

You know what I'm saying For a week But once you start reproducing And my fucking Rogan told me once That he had to be home on a certain day Because the people coming to infumigate His ceiling And I go, what are you talking about?

That's a fucking mouse What do you mean rats? I can see the ghetto having rats But you have rats Because oh my god I can hear them wrestling up there Fighting How can you sleep with that?

I shoot myself So I know they got to go to Rogan's Once a fucking week and said Traps There's bats up there Isn't that crazy? Like no matter how What kind of house you have

If you live in Los Angeles You have to deal with these creatures Like the ceiling of the house Is a business out here Where you have to go to your Somebody comes to your house Once a month looks at every single crack And corner of your house

To make sure that there's not a way To get in there Or a bat Or a posse I had a bat in my house when I was a kid Bat? Yeah I lived in the suburbs

And flew in one We had to get them to come to the house It was like that scene from the office It was terrifying Oh my god How'd you get that? Someone I was a little kid

I was like six or seven They came in and they got it I don't know I just remember We had a Our first floor was a circle And I just remembered Flying all the way around

And someone came in with a bat I don't know how they got it But Probably That's why That's why I'm the way I am That's why you have fraternity Anywhere

Where are you this weekend, my brother? I'm going to be Not a bad boy, thanks Yeah I'm going to be in We're going to We have Kiltonian Ventura And then we also are going to

Washington We have a bunch of dates Boston's coming back up Even though we were just in Swansea last week And Legion of Skanks South We're going to be in Houston Coming up

And that's going to be like That seems like a lot of fun It's going to be a lot of fun But you know I've been to all the Skankfest And they party So I'm just I'm hoping that the Houston

You know I just don't want a bunch of Houston cops to be there And stuff, you know Because they're a little Strict in Houston You know, when it comes to partying And

We're having it at the compound Right at that place Yeah, yeah That secret group Yeah, so that should be fine They stay themselves Yeah, yeah That's a blast

Yeah I love that What a great club that's become That's a real blast They've really done a good job Those guys And I commend them And

They hip They get it And they're in You know And that's why they're doing Skankfest down there They hip They gather and they're in

Yeah So I can't wait for all that That's good How many shows are you doing The podcast And stand up For the Skankfest Yeah, I think we're doing

I usually do a death squad Show there And then we usually do Comedy shows Usually it's It's so great doing a comedy Festival You know

Like that Because it's all just You don't have to do any Of these bullshit shows It's all just cool shows You know With cool comics You know

The way I look at it We do a comedy festival Every Tuesday at the Comedy Comedy story Yeah, really You know I mean every Tuesday

That's the best Is that your favorite day There Comedy story It's not my favorite It's the one I'm forced to go Right When you're in the mafia

You have to come in One night a week Pay your dues Pay your respects It's Tuesday night at the store That's what it became Yeah Tuesday night is the night

Before Thanksgiving For comics We leave on Wednesday We start leaving on Thursday Tuesday night is Thanksgiving The night before Thanksgiving At the store You go down there

You see Whitney Cummings Eliza with the dog Motive motion cashier I see you I see the black kid That runs a Moses Who I love to death Oh yeah, he's good

I see your boy That we're just talking about That's a He's a savage You know The white kid Then You check out

Jeremiah Watkins I see Ally Wong Sometimes I see Bill Burr Sometimes I see everybody I see Ron White At the bar In the back Drinking a fucking whatever

He's a man Right there Yeah So Where else would I want to be On a Tuesday night? Yeah You know

It's going to be interesting When they do a show For Netflix You know How it's going to compare To the store People coming to the store From other countries

To feel the experience Of the store Trust me I'm telling you I see it I see the t-shirts I heard about the number Of t-shirts they're selling now

It's a complete different world It's corporate It's really hard to explain To people with the comedy stories Become Mitzy Shaw's not there This is a little corporate But I'll tell you what's

There more now That wasn't before How much the comics love each other Yeah People are hanging there The comics hang to hang Well, comics used to Hang to hate

Now comics hang to hang And see people And hug people You know I get brought up At Benji Affilo And I give them a hug And I tell them I love them

I know in the U.S. That you were a kid Now you're fucking I knew Benji How many years How many years I know Benji He was a little fucking I thought it was a cinema

My D And doing tour quiz Of what it was Baby Benji Baby Benji Santo I know these guys When they were kids

When I first met them They were kids And now I'm seeing them Do great things What's great things down At the store at 8.45 And they're bringing me up And then I get off

And I bring off Justin Martindale And I give him the hug And I'm back there cheering for him There's a love at the Comedy Store That is incorporating You know

And that's what That's what people pay That ticket for This morning The show was already sold out And guess what There was no lining That's when you have to

Pack something When there's no lineup And the show's already sold out I wanted to see what time My spot was Because I definitely know I got a 9.25 But you know what I'm saying

Like that's how crazy it is That Tuesday night The fucking There was no lineup And already it said Sold out for Tuesday and Thursday I'm like Wow

Wow This is fucking great So But it's great to see What you're doing It's great seeing you all What's the name of your little podcast network? Desquad

Desquad Yep We're doing Oldsmann now We're doing David Lucas And Williams podcast Doing Kill Tony Doing Desquad Chronicles Once in a while

But yeah It's all the same thing Desquad Chronicles Would stand up And I'll be that one Friday Right I need to make that I need to

I think that's a good idea I need to put my video games in storage And 10 Golden Tickets Could come and sit And watch the show From the Burbank area Yeah I'd love to be a part of that

But I have to be like Friday at 9 The Tuba I want to see the drum With the fake dick You have to go up and do Like professionals Have to do three minutes And I would be involved in something like that

I miss you Yeah, I miss you too, guys I miss both of you I could see that The last couple of years The original click Has been getting involved In their own things

And that's great to see But I can also tell that We miss each other I got a really emotional call From Rogan the other night Well, we need to all get together Sometimes take a week

I'm looking along the road with Rogan I'm doing a couple of dates on this tour Just to Break it up Just to add a little dimension To my life And I already got the dates picked out Go to Papadose

No, no, I'm not going to I'm going to Texas on my own I'm going to Austin on my own And El Paso, so I'm pretty lucky That's sea life I hope that This disease doesn't spread

And you're not allowed to fly It looks like Lee's driving the fucking rental That's right To Denver You want to go to the stage in Houston? I'd do that Are you a good driver, Lee? You have no chance

I don't have any tickets I'm down Well, he just got one on the way to Reno I did get one I forgot about that But I paid it off He paid it off And he had to pay an attorney

It was a nightmare They always get you They thought you were sleeping While you were driving or something No, it was three in the morning And it was one of the back roads We'll go from 65 to 25 When it doesn't tell you

And they were just waiting there for me Oh, a speed trap Motherfuckers Fucking bullshit And now let me talk to you about the sponsors All right I want to thank Ryan Redband I want to thank the Christ Killer

Most importantly I want to thank you motherfuckers As far as this Thursday's concerned Listen, man New York City put a state of emergency I don't know if we're going to do this I don't know if I'm getting flown in for the movies So I'll detail you

Keep you posted on Twitter and Facebook But Santa Barbara never fear Uncle Joey's here And he ain't queer He's coming The 27th of March On a fucking Friday night Get your tickets at ArlingtonTita.com

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And that's that My heart goes out to the nation We don't know what's going on With this coronavirus My heart goes out to the world I don't know what's going on You know I'm sitting here I'm supposed to go to New York

And shoot this film We don't know I got levity On Thursday night I was all excited to go up to Nyack And get that fucking Pizza right on the fucking corner there By the hotel

I wasn't spending the night I was just gonna go up there I think they got us up in New York But anyway I'll keep you guys posted Posted Have a good Monday Sling some dick

Tell the coronavirus To suck your dick You're prepared You understand me You're taking your vitamin C You're getting some vitamin D And don't let people breathe on you You don't need to do dick

You understand me Like if you don't want to come to the show Thursday I get it You don't want to come get a fat fuck You don't know where I'm coming I'm coming from a plane I might be a fucking corona holder You know what I'm saying

You don't fucking know So mind your business Don't let people breathe on you Smoke by yourself And have a good day And a good week I'll see you motherfuckers Wednesday

Tip top Motherfucker Magoo Have a great day Love you