Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #769 - Joey Diaz on What Happens When Your Plans Change

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how you have to be able to adapt. The Corona virus has made the next couple of months hard for a lot of people. Save your money, take care of yourselves, and be smart. We will come out of this stronger than ever! This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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zip recruiter for free the church family go to zip recruiter right now so zip recruiter the smartest way to hire the church is also brought to you by on it listen i went on there yesterday they got tons of shroom tech immune left if i was you i don't know what you're sitting there listening to me for why you're listening to me dial up on it.com and get shroom tech immune right now today no games pressing code church and get 10% off delivered right to your crib with no drama listen you gotta stay healthy it's monday the 16th of march for starters i'm very sorry about nyack on thursday night i'm very sorry i had to cancel but listen i'm the last guy that wants to get anybody i don't go take people down dark streets i don't i like to if i go down a dark street i go by myself

i've been like that for 57 years you know the thing is in new rochelle it's growing like a pimple and and and you know it's 10 minutes from there from nyack i'm not there was no way first of all i was supposed to go back to shoot a movie right i was gonna go back and i was supposed to shoot today and tomorrow so a lot of the podcast you've been listening to have been pre-recorded because i thought i was going to be gone for 10 days but what happened was ah my knee had been hurting for like the last six months my knees been hurting everything hurts i'm getting old but i called my doctor my knee doctor dr nicola and i went down and they did x-rays they did an MRI and i my arthritis and my knees is really bad so he said the the right one was worse than the left one

so he's going to shoot me in the right one first with this nova cyst it's like a gel that goes in between your knee and it and it foams in there to lose you know to lighten up the pain of arthritis but he ordered two shots but he said he was only going to give me one because sometimes you get a real allergic reaction to oh shit look at my leg it's still bruised and that was a week ago yesterday so when tuesday morning when i woke up and my leg he told me he's only going to give you one in case you guys know uh an allergic reaction to it right so i go down there monday he shoots me in the knee i don't pass out nothing my wife tries me back it's a good day and i i don't think we did anything monday i think i just relaxed because i didn't know i didn't want to put anybody

in a bad position if i made plans and i didn't know if i was gonna pass out or so i got home but tuesday morning when i woke up my knee was swollen and i didn't even know it i got up and went to boxing oh i boxed for an hour i went there and did drills and the whole thing and after class that's when the teacher said you know your knees bruised right and i go no and i looked at it and the whole side of it was purple over the bandaid i still had left the band i forgot i even got the shot on tuesday morning i don't know what that was wrong with me and i got home i called the doctor and he goes it's gonna swell up and right away he goes just put ice on it and don't fly for a couple days i'm like oh no but by monday after i listened to the rogan podcast that was the best podcast

he ever did in his life and just the fact that he called me afterwards and explained to me that he was having the same doubts i was having because i listen i got a gd man i'm not a genius but i knew last monday that new york was going to be bad i mean i spent three weeks in new york in may and that had been the first time i had spent quality time in the city in 25 years so i didn't know what the city was about and me and my wife were having a conversation two days ago and i remember my second week on the set of the sopranos i had tuesday off i had just returned from 420 i went to milwaukee and i was smoking those vapors pens for some reason i got vapors to go to new york and i had a headache so that monday i still remember i was across the street from the garden and during the day

they have like a little thing on the side of the street in the garden it's like food trucks you could buy your food in this building and go outside they got tremendous steak sandwiches they got everything in there it's like a little lunch place then you go outside and sit on the side of the garden there's a street and there was a beautiful day it was april 22nd you know whatever it was and i'm sitting there and i'm like man i'm talking to my wife and my wife remembered the conversation and i go you know what man there's a lot of people walking these streets you know what if and she goes what do you mean i can't imagine like godzilla attacking or somebody dropping a bomb here we had this conversation yeah so when i saw the map tuesday and i soon saw a new road shell

had already been contaminated and whatnot i'm like this is easy to pull the plug well the scariest thing for me about that broken podcast was everyone saying oh wash your hands wash your hands and the thing is transmitted through your breath through your mouth so there's no way you like you can wash your hands all day it doesn't mean anything you know what man but i'd rather be safe than sorry oh yeah i don't touch my unit unless i wash my hands i'm one of those guys even without this like normally even without this i don't touch my unit unless i wash my hands whether i'm in an airport i've been doing this for years you don't want to put your unit in somebody's mouth and they got germs you know i've been vigilant about this since day one

you know it doesn't take a genius you know i went to atlanta on the 24th and i saw the invasion of asians at the airport i have nothing against them i'm not saying nothing wrong and then i went to vegas on the 29th that has to be dead of february vegas was at 14 percent this weekend vegas is shutting down today casino shut down today airlines will probably shut down tomorrow that's it but when i woke up wednesday i i called her tuesday night and told them the truth because i wasn't supposed to shoot till monday there was no reason for me to be lurking around the city on the ferries or whatnot there was no reason for me right and once i saw my knee swollen i just called them up and i said listen i'm not coming in today i'm coming in saturday so i switched it

by saturday we would know i knew for a fact they called me back and said they were gonna fly me in sunday with john burnt all we were gonna fly in shoot the movie and fly back on tuesday night after the movie there was going to be no wasted time but i knew thursday that this wasn't happening they were already starting to shut tv shows they were starting to shut a bunch of stuff and then friday i got the call in the afternoon that they pulled down production that's it that's what i was wondering i was wondering if they're keeping like because i they never canceled post when i was working in post ever so i wonder if they're shutting that stuff down well post you work by yourself yeah but i don't know still right you by yourself you're fine post is fine

they don't want you to be in a big circle i mean listen an office is an office every office is filthy there's nothing you could do about that even our little office there's tons of germs in here just from us that's why i came in here last week like two nights i wiped everything down i we brought extra wipes me and mercy came in one night we wiped everything down we sprayed we sprayed the couches you know i knew last week i knew last week that this is not you know am i scared no i'm not scared but i'm prepared i'm 57 you guys have been hearing me for years you guys make fun of my of my fucking emphysema you guys know i have like mild and i have the beginnings of emphysema from smoking since i'm 12 so i fit right in that age group i'm not i'm not doing it i'm not doing it i'm not i

know i'm not getting on a plane you know and right now what people do not realize is that every day we shut down people are gonna hurt y'all yeah well did you see what happened on jet blue oh yeah a guy this is why this is why because it's not what you do it's what other people do around you so before that happens just shut it down yeah i knew march second i wasn't going back to the store when i went to the store on march second after my vegas trip yeah and they told me that vegas was at 50% that weekend february 29th vegas was at 50% wow even though we sold out thank you very much we were at 50% las vegas the whole city of las vegas so when i got back that was when the scare started getting a little bit more i could see the airport was dead

you know and i remember going to that comedy store tuesday night and i had two shows and i'm going into that main room for sarah mellow's show and she had 20 people in that green room and my anxiety shot up my anxiety shot up i got out of there and i went to the hallway and i stayed there by the door and i breathed and i made a mental note not to go back down there until they figured until we figured out what this was thank god the comedy store you know is their geniuses and they said we're closing it down we know we know what i told them i said tuesdays and thursdays and wednesdays is half international audience it's a death sentence for us yeah you know it's an international audience i have nothing against them i'm i'm glad

they come in support and they come to the comedy store and they see the beauty that i see but at the same time we all have to protect ourselves i've had every every show except for one next week all the way to the middle of april has been canceled yeah there's no there's no reason there's no reason i have uh you know santa barbers obviously canceled i'm very sorry we will make that up some other time of the year i'm not worried about it april i have reno and portland portland's already been canceled nobody knows what they're gonna do a reno but i doubt i'm gonna get on a plane it's it's over for me for my age it's over so what we'll do is uh what i'm gonna do is when i come back is lower my ticket prices back to 25 dollars you know

because when i get back on the road i'm gonna lower them to 25 bucks that's it we're gonna go through a hard time in this country we're gonna go through whether it's one week two week three weeks four weeks we're gonna suffer yeah the first week that we're open at the store we're probably gonna do benefits for the waitstaff and for the employees the commie store the gentleman they're gonna pay everybody but i told the commie store that our first weekend and we should just be doing benefits for the waitstaff because they got used to a certain lifestyle also and there's kids and they have families also so uh that's the first thing we're doing at the store is benefits for the waitstaff and the employees who you know a lot of those people live off tips

yeah you know what about you know minimum wage people going to cvs going to the course like you said they're shutting down the grocery store now early that's a whole shift of people that's gone it's uh i remember when i first moved here and you you do that math we like oh i only have a week left of of money to think about having a month with no work like imagine if you just moved to la like in in in september after graduating like it's pretty crazy i can't imagine the uh the what you know just the effects of all this i just can't imagine it and my heart goes out to america my heart goes out to the world i know what it is to struggle i know it is that you know so this is what i'm thinking about again i'm very sorry about nyak

but man i couldn't live it myself if i saw that somebody got affected during one of my shows or that they went to a show and they all went to an improv that night and now my name goes out negatively like that because i wanted to make a few fucking dollars that's not what it's about this is not the time to do fucking stand up or to put other people's lives at risk i will not i don't listen i don't like people breathing on my neck you see how i get i don't even like people stand next to me you know you go with me to a restaurant yeah you see when they sit next to people i always tell the way to know go why are we the restaurant is empty and you got me on top of a couple that's nice people they're gonna hear us two gorillas talking about the language i talk

no i don't like i don't like being around people that's one thing i've never liked is sitting on top of people sitting next to people i've always hated that stuff so flying you know i don't know what's gonna happen right now and i'm a big right i almost never cook but i haven't cooked since last week i don't trust i i mean it's hard to trust anybody now what are you talking about you don't eat out since last week right i know i am only i i never cook but i have i've only been cooking since last week i don't i don't trust any of these restaurants it's not the trust is you rather be safe than sorry you still gotta support a couple of these places just take your food to go like they're doing in hoboken the restaurant's are staying open and then what do they have a i was

gonna ask you about that they have a curfew in all hoboken yeah 1010 they're gonna have a curfew everywhere pretty soon i think so yeah for a couple weeks man for a couple weeks you gotta support listen i gotta still support cactus i still gotta support sushi dan someway you know those are my restaurants i still gotta support uh the barbeque place i don't go there a lot you know uh i'll try to do privates or something at the gym once this dies down this week it's gonna be punching the bag in the backyard and doing kettlebells yeah i'm not going into no gym or anything like that you know and and people and the thing that i kept hearing from people was oh this happens every four years before an election it does it does it does but is this something like this

happened to you in your lifetime i can't remember anything like this i don't i don't remember seeing anything like this in my life but you know what listen man uh you can't get depressed you can't let it get you down you know why because you can't control this guys you can't control this this is beyond your control so before you get depressed and go into a funk and get scared and whatever listen i'd rather you get a notebook and start writing what you're feeling because if you don't think i was going through this last week when the fear i had of going to new york i cannot tell you and it wasn't new york or the state or the people it was being on those planes what have i always said for years you gotta assume they don't do nothing they don't clean they don't get what they

don't care these people do not care anymore you know this was uh i think this was a wake-up call these people were getting greedy and acting greedy i mean jesus christ you're trying not to you still want to have a fight dana white and an angle you know just it just never ends you got to think of people you got to think of the guy behind you you got to think of the guy in front you got to think of the guy next to you i know you how many toilet paper rolls do you need that's pretty crazy i went to wargreens yeah then i know the girl there you know i always go there i went there she goes this is the first time i saw you buy something other than nicotine gum because i bought like 10 notebooks you know i went to wargreens and bought some stuff and she

goes you know i've never seen people's behavior it really teaches you what people are all about yeah this is the time when you're more human these are the times when you stop the people more you know check on people more you know it's gonna cost you a couple dollars it's gonna cost me a couple dollars it's gonna cost everybody a couple dollars i'm prepared but i don't want none of my friends to go without either you know this is gonna be a time this is uh it's not a joke but i don't want you to get down because you can't control this you cannot control this you cannot control this this was way beyond your control i know you want to get married april fourth i know you want to have a big wedding but it don't look like it because you got grandparents and you got

parents and you got people you invited who are over the age of 50 and are susceptible to this so you can't think about you i don't care what you were thinking oh there was a lady yesterday who on the news and they came from new zealand and she was like well uh you know we came all the way here for an extended weekend what a waste did the poor retarded kid you were with go to disneyland two days yeah then that's enough that's enough so the kid was complaining because he couldn't go to disneyland yesterday and today so you went Thursday and Friday yeah that's enough little kid be satisfied at least you have the coronavirus that that that calls in disneyland thank god thank god you've been to disneyland not a lot that's a germ bomb that's a germ

bomb that's a germ bomb listen i go to new york this is no joke this is no not to make a laugh or anything like this this is how susceptible like i remember about two years ago i was having a conversation with somebody they were like ah i i wish i had the opportunity to smoke with snoop dog and i was like why do people think i don't want to smoke with anybody like i've never wanted to smoke with anybody i knew when i was 13 that if i would smoke in large circles i would get sick when my friends would smoke in large circles i would have to think about what i was doing i would get sick so by the age of 15 i already knew not to smoke in large circles so when i went out it would be me and villo lubes you know it'd be like three of us we we'd go through 20 numbers

we'd go through a half of oz but it would be three of us and once you build the time as to each three is you could smoke all the time but i'm not going to go to kentucky and smoke with people that was never going to happen i made that mistake in the beginning like in the very beginning when i went out to utah and stuff and i got sick and then it brought me back to what happened to raffi when he got his lungs he got bronchitis and i stopped smoking with people a long time ago when i go down to the kami store on tuesday nights and i see gino from speed weed and he gives me a number i don't share it with nobody nobody gets that i smoke by myself i don't care who gets mad because i'm the one that gets acceptable to that stuff yeah that's my bomb you

know that's my bomb pretty much it was mine and yours you quit smoking that's my bomb i clean that thing out you got to see the bomb in my house it's spotless tip top magoo i got to bring this one home and clean it the way i clean the one at the house because it has been a while since i cleaned it thorough but now i'm more cautious than ever i'm not gonna get on no five and a half hour flight not for a while not for a while it makes you think about how much like i didn't think about this and someone mentioned it online like when you when you're getting gas i never once wiped that thing down oh yeah there's just so much that you throw in my car i got paper towels for that stuff really you don't think about it filthy people right now when you were a sweatshirt when

you go to the store cover your hand with the sweatshirt you tell me that and then you gotta wash your sweatshirt so when i go home tonight the sweatshirt will get washed this is the way i'm living the next couple weeks every day the sweatshirt gets washed the sweatpants get washed if i sit on the park bench or something it gets washed you know i've been going to the park over here and just to walk around just to loosen up because that's it you know i wanted to reduce stress i wanted to so i just been walking around but now everything gets washed every day everything every hooded sweatshirt i change hooded sweatshirts every day i throw them in the hamper until this is over and this is going to be a crucial week america and the world i

you know the one in my san america this is going to be a crucial week this week and next week a very crucial i hope so i mean that guy the rogan podcast said it was a couple months yeah but these next two weeks are how we control everything these next two weeks are how we're going to be able to stop this you know and uh i know the laugh factory's still open and the ice house is still open good for them as far as i'm concerned like i told joe rogan i'm starting i'm scratch i'm done i'm done yeah done done i will i just went like i told you i bought ten new notebooks because i'm starting from scratch this is just a great time to write and if you keep that muscle active will be fine hopefully this week we'll come down here one night and do a little a little uh stand-up comedy

and let it be fun and uh get the party started and that's it that's basically it you know it's funny it's just uh you have to be cautious like do you have friends back home who still have to work every day yeah like your ups buddy yeah what are they doing what are they saying i haven't talked to my buddy from uh federal express you know i've spoken to george i've spoken to timmy you know timmy's a truck driver so they're by themselves somebody loads the truck for them they pull up get out and somebody unloads the truck okay so that's good he doesn't lose any money i know i know and speaking of which especially with planes down thank god for all the truck drivers with all the grocery stores empty right now like if that got shut down can you imagine thank god for what we do have just be

thankful for what you do have stop complaining and like i said this is something that's beyond your control this is just doesn't reflect on you you know if you got to stay in for a week and eat tv dinner so be it this doesn't reflect on you right now this is what they're calling for is to have the least amount of contact with people i've been trying to i haven't puffed in that much no you haven't been going to the wheat store no no don't you say a little loudest dummy that's why i said puff because she's here uh no i haven't i haven't been puffing that much do they is it all contained like do they have to touch it there or no i don't know i don't know i have not been puffing that smile i don't know what they're doing crazy and it affects everything i got i got so much stuff at

the house i don't need to go anywhere so i'm good to go i'm good to go well at least you're prepared you have to be this is it you have to be but i haven't been puffing this much i've been eating edibles i've been down in the edibles throughout the daytime to calm me down a little bit and uh that's all you can do you know i'd rather be up than down i didn't want to go down and for a while that last week i was starting to go down and i could feel myself and i caught myself like thursday and i said no like i said i had a really weird incident the night of the u of c fight right with uh uh chang and joanna and romero and the other one my anxiety level was so high that night that i had to force myself to go out to watch the fight at a friend's house

what was the anxiety about fear oh you just saw all this coming i just felt something that i hadn't felt since i was a kid you know when i came from cuba it was 1966 and from the time i went to like first grade kindergarten second grade there was always talk of the russian attack on us yeah so we had a thing called a fallout shelter in this country you had one of those every building had one you had fallout shelters when you walked into a building it actually had this sign that had like a circle with a nuclear thing going through it and it had fallout shelter and they had like tang rice that you added water to bottled water you know this is like way before like tanks or water i don't know if it was bottled water but tanks or water and i remember that fear it

instilled in me like i still remember getting like uh immunized and all that stuff and i'm telling you to prevent you from getting this and prevent you from getting that all that came back like all that fear from being a kid and it just just you know listen you know i'm the type of guy i'm scared of everything as it is i live and fear so for a couple days there it had me friday once i realized i didn't have to go to new york and i knew i could control my output i was happy i'm very happy we went to the park she's not allowed to touch the metal so like i said i'm going to different parks just to walk and get vitamin d because your immune system is the most important thing right now so vitamin c vitamin d breathing getting those lungs healthy that's the most important thing

on my mind right now and that's what everybody should be thinking about you know like when i talked to my friend who's a cop in hoboken he was like it was like people were out like nothing was going on and i don't expect you to become a hermit i don't expect people to change their lives drastically but you gotta try a little bit oh man because there's no same paddy day parade grow up grow up there was a girl yesterday from my hometown that was putting up on saturday she was putting up all the parties she was going to and i wish i could grab this girl by the neck and say to her you couldn't be this retarded like her and her husband dumped her for a younger girl so she's trying to prove now she's my age she's trying to prove that she still has

something and she's i mean i just look at her facebook to feel sorry for because you can't be this embarrassing she went to every dump bar in jersey like i went to high school with her and she was putting up flyers like since wednesday come to club sensation with dj vinny in like in like radiation park new jersey you know in like is that really a park no no it's like radio you got you got you know new jerseys were canceled was invented out by the meadowland sea caucus okay monarchy all that stuff and now you're gonna add covid to it and i'm gonna go spend it with dj vinny at some bar are you crazy i'm supposed to go bomb threats in these places oh my god i was so frustrated and everywhere she went she put a video up and the places were dead oh yeah the

places were dead and she's like pushing it like look at us having a good time and she showed her girlfriend who was a mortadelle like i wouldn't even have stepped out of the house with the girl she was with between her and the girl they could stop birdshitting me there that's how ugly they both thought they were just both sitting there and all these young guys around like nobody's gonna hit on you go home go home what are you doing at this bar in ackensack new jersey with a bunch of guys listening to ac dc i shook me all night long oh my god it was the most embarrassing thing they should all and not one of those 19 people wanted to live you could tell they had death on their mind you could tell they're out there drinking and hugging each other i'm like you people don't

want to live i could tell because you cannot be in a bar like that no i could not believe that yesterday she went to not one bar she put up like six videos i saw them last night i called my wife in the office i go this is a chick that'll be dead in 10 days look at it you'll be happy about it come on oh i'm gonna be jumping up and down i'm the first one to send the roses because you can't be this done like i can see going out for a purpose like if you got a purpose but you're going to dive bars that are filthy in northern jersey those bars are filthy filthy we're building movie theaters i don't trust those either no listen there's nowhere to go we went to the movies last week we went to see onward oh yeah and we wiped everything down we sat by the by the door there we were by ourselves

there was only eight eleven people in the movie but i was thinking about going to arc light last night i'm like no i wasn't gonna go see the you know the movie about basketball i don't know what that is with the guy from the town what's your boy from boston uh bad aphelix bad aphelix new movie okay and i was like what am i retarded i'm gonna go there and breathe on myself no no it's okay two weeks two weeks gotta take off completely two weeks i go i'm not going into a restaurant i'm ordering i'm opening up the door i'm putting the door stop on it so there's oxygen because that's the most important thing is air like that's why i said go to cactus because it's outside smart you know and i'll i'll drive there if i see too many people i'll drive right past i don't know i've done

that eight thousand times i don't i'll i'll stop there when it's dead when it's completely dead i've not gotten a cryotherapy since wednesday is he gonna survive in that cold who the virus i don't know what it does but why check it out why again why find out i don't know what it does and what it doesn't do do i look like johnny scientist to you i don't know so mind your business you want to get reconditioned drink milk you know drink a protein shake that's it there's no cryotherapy there's nothing that we get to the bottom of this which will probably be next week hopefully and i'm pretty excited yeah i'm looking what you can look at this two ways you can look at this from a negative standpoint and get yourself sick about it or you can look at it from a positive standpoint

and see a future for yourself and see that yeah it's going to be rough financially but you're still going to be alive and that's what this is all about is you existing and being a human being so that's fine it's going to be rough but if you do the right steps right now it'll make it easier later plus there's a lot to do if i have to do my taxes there's a lot of stuff i mean taxes got extended really yeah nice taxes don't tell me that i'm procrastinating again now yeah taxes got extended a lot of things got extended they're trying to work i just don't want the american public to think they're gonna get a check in the mail for five grand that's not gonna happen no nobody's that good so relax hold on to your money you know we get refunds on whatever you bought that you

don't want like my tickets get rid of them get rid of them get your money get your money back right now i'm telling you get your 30 dollars back right now because i ain't coming anywhere get your money now like may april get your money back don't even waste your time i'm i'm trying to be honest with you i got three dates in april they're at the store i'll honor those if i gotta get on a plane it doesn't look like you're gonna see me i'm just telling you that right now five and a half hours to florida and may i don't see it get your money back now i don't see it i don't see it i was very excited about going to austin and sent in and el paso till i saw dfw airport last night and i could tell austin get your money back get your money back because

it's not happening at least i'm honest i just love the perspective from a elegant established comic in a new like me i'm like i don't want to cancel i don't want to cancel the bar show and you're looking at the airline you're like doesn't look good i'm not going on it i'm not going listen lax and kennedy are both germ germ bombs you know tomorrow when they announce how many tsa agents got yeah this and they closed the airports that's that's a different level that means if you're thinking about uberin you better get a bicycle you better listen the only people who are gonna make money right now are gonna be chinese people with the rickshaws you like people who pull you it's a perfect time for you to start your business listen if you're gonna

start a rickshaw business tomorrow is that day get that mask and just get a rickshaw run up and down your street for a few days practice get those legs in shape because listen that's the uber rickshaw that's the new that's the new setting seven dollars get you to the moon oh you know what i'm saying just keep running money just keep running dog it's all over the shot that's the new setting you'll see tomorrow uber uber what is it called again rickshaw the uber rickshaw a bib is showing up in 2.3 minutes to pick you up you look up the corny see a bib running down the street with sandals on dying man i did not know you lived up here yeah well damn down a little bit easier just just let me hop up there and let's get this party started oh wait

till they have uber horse that's coming out on the day now they just drop a horse in front of your house i like that that's perfect uber pony uber horse uber tank wait for like 12.99 you get a tank per per minute uber tank uber horse and uber rickshaw right now if you're thinking about starting a new business and you want to get in shape or you crossfitters there you go no more crossfit you can spend your time picking me and lay up what do you call that rickshaw and us around town yeah i'll tip you heavy i'm heavy with the tip i want to see you make laurel canyon when you gotta go up and down that hill just make one low canyon with me and i'll pay you whatever you want but that's it that's the futures right now rickshaw rent out your horse whatever and you'll see it

yeah you'll see it people start getting smart though somebody's only got a car but like a little hitch a u-haul hitch in the back and you can sit back there you can breathe and get sun well they're already doing it that have you seen the uber drivers have like they put up panels in their cars so they can sit there not and like and not have like the people breathe on them oh my god that's terrible yeah smart so glass like that's not glass it's like plastic forget it you're getting the covid you might as well go to drive yourself to you might as well uber yourself to the hospital right now that's shielding and do nothing to protect nobody but yeah that's it it's gonna be horseback rickshaw and uh and tank uber tank i would love to see

you on horseback i think i think it'll work for you listen i don't need to go anywhere that desperately you understand me my Subaru works great no get me there i filled it up just in case yeah i'm gonna do the same fill your car up these are just little things you could do you know it's funny people well what's gonna happen with the netflix festival not the netflix netflix is the only thing that's people are gonna really watch a lot of netflix but there's no netflix festival now people are you think so it's a month away you know people have been hitting me up why aren't you waiting for your name on the list netflix suck no netflix offered me a show the problem is i had to do i'm doing a show already at the woltern in november so i didn't want to do two shows

at the woltern and then fuck myself right people were hitting me up for like three days talking about tickets for bird i'm coming on the netflix no netflix is a great company netflix gave me a great opportunity you know anybody who put me on this stage gave me a great opportunity i'm not mad at netflix not like that that's why i didn't take the the festival i didn't take the festival because i already had a date at the woltern theater the festival came out of nowhere it's la and to me there's a comedy festival every night the comedy store yeah so why would i sign up for a comedy festival i don't know nothing against netflix i just thought that i think i had one of the dates already booked and i just i'm doing the woltern by myself the day

before thanksgiving why would i worry about that you know so i got no ill regard to netflix or whatever i don't know why people are saying that shit to me i just figured no and i you know it's you know it's so weird how when i shot degenerates i was very excited i was very happy it wasn't till i was coming home that i realized it was what i didn't want to do it's so weird when i when you become a comic like when you become a an artist or whatever you have to at anything in life you have to decide once you decide you're going to do it what things you will and what things you won't do that's the when i moved to la and people were telling me about tv and i always knew i wasn't going to do letterman i always knew i wasn't going to do reno i always knew i wasn't going to do

tonight show i always knew i wasn't going to do chemo i accepted that i always accepted the doug stanhope rap i liked that he played the underground comic i like that it felt that's why when we started doing the podcast i wanted i i emphasized so much on listening because i wanted people to listen to the podcast like they were listening to something dirty like the the government didn't let them listen it was like listen to rock music in cuban 79 right it just wasn't allowed you know and it was so weird that after i did the generits on the plane ride i went through all these emotions for a few weeks and i was angry i was mad i was happy i was sad and that's why i tell people you don't know what you got you know you don't you better be careful

what you wish for because it just might happen when i wished for a netflix special i didn't i wasn't specific yeah that's a big one so when they contact me and said they wanted me to be a part of something i said yes off the bat and once i got there you know i was like why are we shooting in a pool when we have 2 000 stages in vegas there was just so many little things that worked against me you know i felt like netflix um i just ate a bag of shit on this special so till this day i'll say that and i just moved forward i came up with a different plan and this plan is working for me more than the plan before so once i did that and i realized i didn't want to ever be put in that position again that's it i don't want to be put in that position again i rather just do my spots at

the commie store all these things i do when i stick to them they work out for me you know it's like i tell people when you make a decision and you stick to it eventually that thing will work out for you but you have to stick to that decision once you go away from that all the houses the cards fall and you got to start all over again you know years ago i used to get mad oh nobody ever puts me in movies stop doing these hung holiday movies when i stopped saying no to them nobody called me ever again for them and i booked a stall on movie and i booked a couple other movies why because i stopped doing those you decide what you're not and gonna do and it'll make your life that much easier down the line later on you know and that's why i didn't do the festival

i have nothing against netflix i think netflix is a great company they gave a ton of my friends a platform you know so when you get into something like comedy or art or when you become a plumber you decide somewhere along the line whether you want to be a residential plumber a commercial plumber a new construction plumber you know do you want to rip these walls down and find rats in there okay so then you want a new construction you know what i'm saying well you don't have to find rats you know when i was an electrician in colorado i did new construction and i loved it you know very once in a while you have to go into cross spaces oh that's where everything is when electricity you have to go through a cross space

any inferior cross space then i could okay then i could now it's a different story i know i'll never forget working as an electrician for one day in hoboken for eight bucks an hour i broke down one day i was getting i think 15 when i started an aspen as an apprentice and when i went to hoboken uh new jersey in 83 i figured i'd do electricity while i was there and i went to one company they hired me in hoboken and it was to remember it was like uh when you gutter when you gut these these little brown stones i'll never forget the guy going all right you go downstairs we shut the power and me hearing like snakes and lizards and rats and crocodiles under there i was like i gotta go for lunch the guy goes where you going

i gotta go get a soda i got something in my throat bro i walked up to that thing and i got on that number 22 bus i think that's the bus that takes you to hoboken from union city number 22 i think that's it and i got on that 22 and i never went to hoboken again bro i forget that i got a job electrical supply warehouse i'm not doing this no more i'm not i knew that wasn't for me you know i just you just you have to decide what you're gonna do with what you got you know and the same thing goes to stand up people think it's better to want than to have sometimes you know you gotta be careful what you want what you wish for because it just might come true but you have to be specific yeah it sounds sort of like like the resistance thing that we've talked about with that book

how if you if you don't stick to your guns like stuff will come up that seems good but it's really getting in the way is that is that it's a lot of diminishing with it it's like a dear dear friend of mine once told me something he goes man i've been around a lot of people and you're the only person i know that when you say no you mean no like it's you have to stick to your guns in life you know it's really weird when you stick to something that's it this is what i'm doing this is how i'm doing it and i'm gonna do it like this until it breaks or until it's proven to me that this doesn't work that's how we do everything in this life all of us you know when we find when we're spinning our wheels we go we're spinning our

wheels you know at least for me that's how it's always worked i've always caught on while i'm spinning my wheels like ah something's not right here you know with stand up i'm like anybody else when i got into stand up i did anything that was thrown at me i never said no to anything anything for the first till 2004 2000 yeah 2005 was when i started saying no to things because i had to i was it was it was too much i was getting taken advantage of i just wanted to be a good guy and get on stage i never cared about anything else but what was in front of me being funny i never cared about wearing the hat to be cool or bringing the drink up on stage to be cool or sipping from my straw to be cool or bringing a beer on that never you don't need none of that your

job is to be funny that's it everybody over you know what am i gonna come up to what song am i gonna come out to this ain't a dance this is stand up comedy but somewhere along the line you forget and then you get back on course you know and that's it that's what i personally think about that but no i have nothing against netflix i just knew what i wanted to do and i knew what i didn't want to do and now who knows what's gonna happen with this whole corona vid thing whatever though you know like i said i just want you people to uh i appreciate everything you've done for me over the years uh listen to the podcast supporting the show you know laughing at my stupid jokes on twitter whatever uh i wanted to stay that way i really care about you guys man and uh the reason

i do this podcast is to let you know you got this whatever people tell you society tells you whatever you got this i don't care what anybody you got this you know how i know because they told me a society told me a bunch of things i couldn't do and guess what i did them even though they told me i couldn't do them you got this so you know stay vigilant these next couple weeks keep your eyes open and just play it by ear and don't get down getting down ain't gonna have nobody you know uh you got credit cards use them not for stupid stuff not for stupid stuff you know the credit card companies are gonna give you a break on payments now and stuff like that use everything that's allowed to you you know and that's stuff you can do work online there's a lot of places

that you can do like if you're like look at fiverr fiverr has a bunch of stuff you can do writing stuff edit stuff if you're an artist you can sell your people still need stuff done so there's always what's fiber fiverr fiv err like anytime i have any artwork that i've done for they're instructed five bucks but it goes you can say your own prices and the people do thousands of things they edit writing they do video stuff it's it's amazing it's from all over the world so you can you have to sometimes check see if they're from india or whatever but even even though i've done like 10 things to them i love it and you can say you can make some money that way you can do these uh surveys and make a little bit of money they have online surveys you could do it's not great but

listen man even if you just get no hamburger from wendy's that you know for years i lived on the double double menu you know the wapo not the wapo the wendy's jr jr bacon cheeseburger i take off the burger the bacon i like a good bacon there and i have a cup of chili and uh i eat a salad that was my thing at that wendy's so don't let this get you down hang in there and that's basically it man we covered it all today it's a beautiful monday and all i can tell you is it's gonna be a beautiful fucking day to be alive but only you can ruin it or make it worse or you could make it better stay in mind your business listen to podcast grab your notebook do push-ups you're in prison you're in prison that's it you

always want to be a badass and go to prison you're in prison that's what this is all about now you do your push-ups you do your sit-ups you drink a lot of water give this a time to think think about your future you know i looked at the the downside of this at first and then i looked at the bright side of this this is great this is great if you take care of yourself look out for your loved ones and uh just you don't know that there's gonna be an out to this the most important thing is you not getting whatever's going around that's the most important thing about this whole next two weeks so please just mind your business you don't you know yes that i wrote because that's what people gonna do did i tell you i have the corona and i call that get the hell out of my face i don't even

want to talk to you right now you know save on time save on energy when you go to the supermarket they say face masks don't work i don't know if they work or they don't but i'd rather be safe than sorry did those guys wear face masks on saturday during the fight companion or they just took a picture with them i didn't see that and watch the fight companion so i didn't know what they were doing if we're about gloves i have gloves in the car what kind of gloves like it starts with an n they roll out of out of the other ones but i have a box of gloves like uh plastic yeah like you're like doctors and food for food prep people or something that's the case yeah that's smart these are all smart things like you know uh i want you to be around man and like i said refund

tickets do whatever you can i'm telling you i'm telling you the truth get your money back you know the improv is closed to april first so i know what you could do with the improv but for right now get your money back and not just from me from all these stifs get your money back you know that's it we want our money back we don't know what's gonna happen i don't want nobody breathing on my neck because i want to see some guy jump up and down on stage like an asshole watch netflix that's what you got netflix for watching my netflix put youtube on there's no way you need to go save your money you know if you got motley crew tickets and all that get a refund that's four hundred dollars you don't know what's gonna happen there you don't want to be in no arena

getting breathed down by some x covid because what are they gonna call these people once they get the covid dude what do you put on them do you put like a bug on their head or something like i had the vid whatever so you don't know who you're dealing with let's go down a dark path i don't know if we're gonna start putting signs of people sure you gotta put like a tattoo on their forehead like ash when like ash when is that i had the covid just to let you know man can you imagine walking into a concert and this guy just got out of a hospital bed but he's too stupid to go through a debunked period so he wants to go see zz top so here you're jumping next year with covid germs in july and you're like oh this is great poison and next thing you know you're gonna go home and

you're gonna have but no no we got to put covid on their forehead something to let us know they had the vid you know i'm saying something just start running them over i'm telling you not you can't run them over i'm just saying what are you telling me if you saw one you wouldn't at least let's try to scare them a little bit more like a covid person like walking like the yeah listen these people it's not like they're there like a walking dead that would be great if they're like walking dead because you can hit them with the car and get away with it but no i'm not talking about nobody with a car that leap with those words in my mouth if you have the covid i feel bad for you but don't talk to me but if you're an ex covid stay to yourself stay in your own corner right put a little

tattoo on your head we gotta put something on them to identify these covid motherfuckers who had it because i don't want to be bumping into them i don't want to be shaking hands with you had the vid that thing's gonna live in you if you had the vid it's gonna live in you for like a year and i don't want no part of it so don't be touching my chopsticks don't do nothing don't do nothing oh i'm so sorry about this ladies and gentlemen like we said we all have our breaking points oh i can't wait for like two weeks to do with this podcast is gonna be like listen but think about it anyway don't think about none all right don't worry about none get your refund have a great monday uncle joey loves you we'll be back wednesday with a fun one this one

is really gonna get you on wednesday so make sure you listen to this one it's my man sam triply dropping knowledge as of right now i got no dates okay it's over i got april 20th at the store 420 and that's it that's all i'm doing right now so don't even worry about nothing the tour i don't know what's gonna happen with the tour we're gonna wait on that to see how many people drop dead and uh and that's it that's all i can tell you right now i hope i didn't offend nobody i'm just trying to be as honest as i can as usual the church what's happening now is brought to you by on it listen what kind of company does this they got that best product out for brain okay if you don't like alpha brain or if it don't work for you they'll give you your money back

and then i want the product back that's how much they believe in a product who does that in today's world nobody that's why i'm that's why i do business with a company like on it go to on it dot com right now start with shroom tech immune if you haven't gotten shroom tech immune yet shame on you i can't wait for your eyeball to pop out do go get that shroom tech immune today alpha brain the protein get your systems are going while lee corpse again for the third week in a row with his light bronchitis corona that he got on himself somewhere i wonder where he got it from but anyway go to honor dot com right now and press in church and get 10 off your order start with shroom tech immune the church is also brought to you by zip recruiter listen

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stay healthy and have a great monday